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(RED BANK, NJ) -— Two River Theater Company, under the leadership of Artistic Director John Dias, continues its season with Herb Gardner's comedy A Thousand Clowns, directed by Davis McCallum. Performances will begin at Two River Theater, 21 Bridge Avenue, on Tuesday, February 1 and continue through Sunday, February 20. The opening night performance is Saturday, February 5 at 8pm.
Herb Gardner received a 1963 Tony Award nomination for A Thousand Clowns and won the Variety Critics Poll as Outstanding New Playwright. For his 1965 film adaptation of the play, which was a nominee for Best Picture, he received an Academy Award nomination for Best Adapted Screenplay and won the Best Screenplay Award from the Writers Guild. In this classic—and subversive—comedy, a whip-smart kid named Nick lives with his far-from-conventional uncle in 1960s New York. When child services knocks on his door, Uncle Murray is forced to make a decision: hold on to the kid, or hold on to his life of free-spirited fun.
Matthew Gumley, a veteran of four Broadway productions (Elf, The Addams Family, Mary Poppins and Beauty and the Beast) plays Nick and Michael Nathanson (The Lion King National Tour and Romeo and Juliet at Lincoln Center Theater) plays Murray. Also featured in the cast are Crystal Finn (Sandra Markowitz), Brad Heberlee (Albert Amundson), Tony Award nominee and Asbury Park resident Lou Liberatore (Arnold Burns), and Nick Sullivan (Leo Herman).
Tickets are available from www.trtc.org, over the phone from 732.345.1400 or at the Two River Theater Box Office, 21 Bridge Avenue. Single ticket prices start at $35. Discounts are available for groups, seniors, students, and patrons aged 30 and under. This production is sponsored in part by RBC Wealth Management.
Says Artistic Director John Dias, "I'm very excited to have Davis McCallum at Two River to direct A Thousand Clowns; he is someone whose work, intelligence and spirit I have admired for a very long time. His vision for this play captures the moment in a time that is so beautifully evoked by Herb Gardner, the early 1960s, with a dynamic immediacy and a real understanding of the characters—and the conflicts they face as the world changes around them."
Herb Gardner made his Broadway debut with A Thousand Clowns. He received the 1986 Tony Award, Outer Critics Circle Award and John Gassner Playwriting Award for I'm Not Rappaport and was a 1992 Pulitzer Prize finalist for Conversations with My Father. One of the contributing writers to Free to Be...You and Me, he wrote the screenplays for Who Is Harry Kellerman and Why Is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me?, which starred Dustin Hoffman, and adaptations of his plays I'm Not Rappaport, The Goodbye People (both of which he also directed) and Thieves. At the beginning of his career he wrote a comic strip, "The Nebbishes," which started in the Chicago Tribune and was syndicated in more than 40 newspapers; he retired the cartoon to concentrate on writing fiction and published his only novel, A Piece of the Action, in 1958. In 2000, he was awarded the Lifetime Achievement Award from the Writers Guild of America. He died in 2003 at the age of 68.
Davis McCallum directed Namaste Man at Two River Theater earlier this season as part of the "Flashes of Brilliance" series. Other recent work in New York includes world premieres of Sam Hunter's A Bright New Boise (Partial Comfort) and Five Genocides (Clubbed Thumb), Greg Moss's punkplay (Clubbed Thumb), Charles Mee's Queens Boulevard (Signature Theatre), Quiara Alegría Hudes' Elliot, A Soldier's Fugue (P73; Pulitzer Prize finalist), Laura Marks' Unbound: The Journals of Fanny Kemble, and Rob Urbinati's West Moon Street (Prospect Theater Company). For the Acting Company, he directed The Turn of the Screw (adapted by Jeffrey Hatcher), Jane Eyre (adapted by Polly Teale) and Shakespeare's The Tempest and Henry V, the last of which was co-produced by The Guthrie and presented in New York at the New Victory. His regional credits include the Old Globe, Oregon Shakespeare Festival, Williamstown and many other theaters.
The creative team for A Thousand Clowns includes scenic designer Jason Simms, costume designer Jessica Ford, lighting designer Matthew Richards, composer/sound designer Mark Bennett and ukulele coach Paul Heaney. The casting is by Janet Foster, C.S.A. and the stage manager is Amanda Michaels.


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When you read history it is easy to forget that the people you are eavesdropping on didn't, for the most part, think of themselves as actors in a historical drama. They were just people going about their daily lives, trying to make their way in the world. They didn't know that a major technological innovation was just a few years off, or a big war, or an economic depression, or a change in social mores.
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Beginning today and running all week, Cinema Styles is celebrating the 50th anniversary of Plan 9 From Outer Space with a brilliant blogathon dedicated not only to Ed Wood but any and all filmmakers who have created something that is, somehow, more than the sum of its tacky parts. The Spirit of Ed Wood Blogathon celebrates the so-bad-it's-good school of movies, the low-budget but big-hearted classics, and some of the classiest schlock ever made.
I'll be posting my own Frankenstein-flavored contribution later this week. I am also posting Ed Wood related images on Monster Crazy. First ones are up already.
Be sure to check Cinema Styles every day (just click the badge up there on the right-hand menu) for a continuously updated list of links to participating blogs.
I'll bet my badge that we haven't seen the last of those weirdies.


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by John Calvin (compiled by John H. Kromminga)
Bible Text:
When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained; What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? —Psalm 8:3, 4
My readers, however, must be careful to note the design of the Psalmist, which is to enhance by this comparison the infinite goodness of God; for it is, indeed, a wonderful thing that the Creator of heaven, whose glory is so surpassingly great as to ravish us with the highest admiration, condescends so far as graciously to take upon him the care of the human race. That the Psalmist makes this contrast may be inferred from the Hebrew word, which expresses the frailty of man rather than any strength or power which he possesses.
We see that miserable men, in moving upon the earth, are mingled with the vilest creatures; and, therefore, God, with very good reason, might despise them and reckon them of no account if he were to stand upon the consideration of his own greatness or dignity.
The Psalmist, therefore, speaking interrogatively, abases their condition, intimating that God's wonderful goodness is displayed the more brightly in that so glorious a Creator, whose majesty shines resplendently in the heavens, graciously condescends to adorn a creature so miserable and vile as man is with the greatest glory, and to enrich him with numberless blessings.
If he had a mind to exercise his liberality towards any, he was under no necessity of choosing men who are but dust and clay, in order to prefer them above all other creatures, seeing he had a sufficient number in heaven towards whom to show himself liberal. Whoever, therefore, is not astonished and deeply affected at this miracle, is more than ungrateful and stupid. —Commentaries
John Calvin was the premier theologian of the Reformation, but also a pious and godly Christian pastor who endeavored throughout his life to point men and women to Christ. We are grateful to Reformation Heritage Books for permission to use John Calvin's Thine Is My Heart as our daily devotional for 2013 on the OPC Web site. You can currently obtain a printed copy of that book from Reformation Heritage Books.
Dr. Joel Beeke, who is editorial director of Reformation Heritage Books, has this to say:
"Calvin shows us the piety of a Reformed theologian who speaks from the heart. Having tasted the goodness and grace of God in Jesus Christ, he pursued piety by seeking to know and do God's will every day. He communed with Christ, practicing repentance, self-denial, and cross-bearing. Moreover, his theology worked itself out in heart-felt, Christ-honoring piety. The selections of this devotional bear this out, and hopefully will be used by God to direct pious hearts in our own day."
These devotional readings from John Calvin were compiled by John H. Kromminga. Be sure to read his "Introduction" to John Calvin's Thine Is My Heart.


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These alphabet bricks are painted in a special way. A is on one
brick, B on two bricks, and so on. How many bricks will be painted
by the time they have got to other letters of the alphabet?
Which comes next in each pattern of dominoes?
Buzzy Bee was building a honeycomb. She decided to decorate the honeycomb with a pattern using numbers. Can you discover Buzzy's pattern and fill in the empty cells for her?


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OAK PARK, IL (RNN) - More than 100 people were arrested for trespassing at a rally outside McDonald's headquarters Wednesday, according to WLS. The protest, which drew more than 1,000 people, including about 325 McDonald's workers in uniform, was a continuation of demonstrations earlier this week for better wages.
"I'm here fighting for $15 an a union, so that my path does not become my children's future." Melinda Topel, a 43-year-old McDonald's store employee told Bloomberg.
Employees of fast food restaurants, and groups supporting them, have held multiple protests in recent months in an effort to raise their wage to $15 an hour. The job usually pays minimum wage ($7.25) or slightly above it.
"Nothing more inspiring than seeing workers stand together to fight for better future for their fams," tweeted Mary Kay Henry, president of the Service Employees International Union.
They also seek the right to unionize without fear of retaliation.
Kendal Fells of the activist group Fast Food Forward told USA Today it would be "the largest labor protest that McDonald's has ever faced."
Riot police could be seen standing nearby the ralliers, but most arrests were peaceful.
"We respect everyone's rights to peacefully protest," said McDonald's spokeswoman Heidi Barker Sa Shekhem to USA Today. "We are focused on welcoming our shareholders to McDonald's annual meeting."
The gatherings outside the headquarters are expected to carry on through Thursday, when the corporation's annual shareholders meeting is scheduled.
The more than 3 million fast-food and counter workers in the U.S. earn a median hourly wage of $8.81, or $18,330 per year based on a 40-hour work week without vacation, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Income inequality has become an issue brought up on the federal level as well. In April, a bill stalled in the U.S. Senate calling for a raise of the federal minimum wage from $7.25 to $10.10 an hour.
Democratic senators pledged to bring the issue up for vote again this year before November elections. Twenty-one states and Washington, DC, have minimum wages higher than the federal minimum wage.
Copyright 2014 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.
News from around the world about soccer.


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Jerry Norris, 73
Jerry Duane Norris was born Aug. 28, 1939, in Brewster. He was the second child born to Dan and Mary Cuplin Norris.Jerry spent his early childhood in Brewster and attended elementary school there. When Jerry was a teenager his family moved to California. He graduated from John Marshall High School in 1958. During this time he worked with his father in the family owned machine shop. He attended two years at LA Community College and studied engineering. Jerry decided that his true calling was becoming a tool and die maker, so he went back to working in the machine shop. He spent his life doing this and became a very talented machinist and tool and die maker. He owned and created Zan Products and was self-employed until retirement. During that time he made stop motion camera parts for his brother's business that earned an Academy Award and worked on several other products.He served his country in the Army for three years during the Vietnam War. He was discharged with honors. The Veteran's Administration and his local service officer, Linda, were very much appreciated during his illness.Jerry loved to hunt and fish and enjoyed both for most of his life. He was very active in the Brewster community and served as the mayor for many years. He also was a volunteer fireman and made time to help his friends and neighbors.Two children were born to his first marriage to Alice; Kim and Jerry Jr. He later married Helen Jackson and welcomed her son, Jeff, to the family also. Jerry and Helen were married for 32 years. Helen cared for him after he was diagnosed with ALS which allowed him to remain in Brewster until shortly before his death at the VA Hospice in Grand Island, Oct. 18, 2012.In addition to his parents, Jerry was preceded in death by his brother, Dan.He is survived by his wife of 32 years, Helen; one daughter, Kim and husband Joe McMurtry of Johnstown Colo.; two sons, Jerry and wife Karyn Norris of Maple Grove, Minn., and Jeff and wife Tammy Hillebrand of Edison; one sister, Ruth Norris of Crete; one step- brother, Don and Donna Baker of Brewster; one granddaughter, Heather and husband Scott Jackson of Tulsa Okla.; three grandsons, Destry Hillebrand of Edison, Derek and Daniel Norris of Minnesota; two great-granddaughters, Kara and Caley with a sister Carter on the way of Tulsa; sister-in-law, Carol Norris of California; nephews, Eric and Ryan Norris; nieces, Sjon Iwanski and Janina Bakker, and many other relatives and friends. Also beloved friend Jim Avis and family of Shelby.Graveside services were at the Brewster Cemetery with military honors Oct. 22, 2012. Govier Brothers Mortuary of Broken Bow was in charge of arrangements.Published in Custer County Chief, Oct. 25, 2012


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First of all, I have a correction to make. In last week's column I wrote that Colleen was going to skip the month of July for having another Monterey Fair Board Meeting and was going to have it Aug. 19. That was incorrect; the new date for the next fair meeting is Aug. 21 at 11. Sorry for the confusion this may have caused anyone. Hope to see more there than last time.
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I have done the full update to Gnome 3.2 with equo. But now I can only get Failback working. The gnome-shell Desktop is apparently not being activated. Anyone knows why?
Edit: I also tried enabling/disabling Force Fallback but still no cookie.
Also is it normal Gnome 3.x shows Graphics Driver: VESA: BARTS ?


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The game is set in a modern world. Players will take part in the political, economical and social life of a big city. They will run businesses, engage in commerce, and suffer the consequences of confrontations with criminal groups and shadowy law enforcement figures. Powerful AI will support the constantly changing atmosphere of the streets and enable players to feel the live pulse of the Megapolis.
CrimeCraft, a massively multiplayer third-person shooter, role-playing game is a unique forerunner into a genre dominated by fantasy and sci-fi themes as it transports gamers into a lawless city filled with gangs, crime and street-style justice.
With two titles completed in the last three months, the company has made significant staffing changes as it transitions from launch team to live team in the ongoing support of CrimeCraft. Vogster's New York-area headquarters remains fully operational and committed to the development and production of existing and future titles.
"Vogster has seen a number of releases this year. As an independent developer, we need to be very strategic in our use of available resources and shift from already launched titles to support the ongoing development and growth of CrimeCraft," stated Daniel Prousline, vice president of development at Vogster. "We regret the necessary staffing changes and the talented employees that this impacts, but it is an unavoidable step in moving to the operational stage of CrimeCraft and optimizing for the development of yet to be announced titles."
CrimeCraft "Most Wanted" Tournament
First up is the CrimeCraft "Most Wanted" in-game tournament taking place from September 15th through October 15th. All players who have a currently active CrimeCraft account are eligible to compete. At the end of the tournament period every player from the PVP leaderboard will be entered into a weighted random drawing to win a cutting-edge Alienware Area 51 M17x gaming laptop. The second place winner will receive a high-performance ATI 3870 X2 graphics adapter with 512 MB of video RAM. Third, fourth and fifth place winners will receive a variety of premium CrimeCraftbranded clothing items. For more information about prizes, legal requirements and detailed rules, as well as other upcoming tournaments, please visit the official website.
New CrimeCraft Content
The fast-paced combat of CrimeCraft will receive additional enhancements in the form of a new PvE mode that pits players against AI gang bosses across 14 maps; a new NPC gang; a new PvP loot system, as well as an in-game newspaper that will contain player-generated content and proclaim the victories and defeats of the denizens of Sunrise City. Additionally, billboards for the "Most Wanted" players in CrimeCraft will appear in common areas to further spread player notoriety and build the reputation of the most lethal gangs. These features will be rolled out in the first major content update that will drop into the game in October.
Offering real-world prizes via our in-game co-marketing partners – such as cutting-edge gaming systems from Alienware and graphics adapters from ATI – coupled with ever-expanding in-game content, reflects our commitment to continually increase the value gamers enjoy from their purchase and the persistent world of CrimeCraft," said Mario Kroll, Director of Marketing at Vogster.Adds Executive Producer Matt McEnerney: "As an independent development house filled with folks who are passionate gamers, we know that the people who play CrimeCraft and the exploits of the gangs they form are the key to an exciting experience. They provide much of the lore and back story for our gritty, gang-themed game. We are excited to roll out content and enhancements to further challenge and excite our dedicated fan base."
Winning in CrimeCraft takes more than guts and guns. In CrimeCraft, player success comes from being prepared and choosing a specific set of skills, then developing those skills to the point where mastery turns you into an unstoppable force of destruction.
There are approximately 40 different skills your character can specialize in. Each of these skills can be combined in thousands of combinations as you advance your character from starting newcomer to gang kingpin. CrimeCraft takes the character advancement of an RPG and blends it into the explosive action of a shooter.
All versions of CrimeCraft will include two months of premium subscription time and a stipend of gold bars that can be used for in-game micro-transactions to outfit your character in the latest fashion. After the included two month subscription time has expired, there will be a low monthly fee of $9.99 that provides continued access to the game as well as a monthly allotment of gold bars. In addition to providing a persistent world with a secure and developer-managed gaming environment, CrimeCraft will continue to evolve and grow after launch with an aggressive addition of content including: new weapons, combat areas, skills, gameplay types and monthly contests for significant real world and virtual prizes.
Key Features :
- Crime – Perform various "tasks" and "jobs" for money and experience which can be used to help you gain a reputation, learn new trade skills and perform new abilities in battle.
- Craft - Use the loot gained from battle to create your own weapons, clothing and performance boosts.
- Unreal Technology - Explore the vast world of Sunrise City beautifully rendered by the powerful Unreal Engine 3.
- Intense TPS Action – Battle other players or AI enemies with a wide range of weapons, explosives, abilities, and enhancements at your disposal.
- Deep RPG Gameplay – Over 40 skills to specialize in as your character progresses over 50 levels of advancement.
- Personalize - Amazing depth in the variety of clothes, weapons, items, and skills available to distinguish your character and your crew from the masses playing online.
- Team Up - Form virtual gangs to build a reputation, assign rankings, pool money and goods, and buy gang hideouts.
- Underground Economy - Control the quality and cost of manufactured items that you create, modify, or repair. Then sell, trade, or auction them to other players on the open black market.
More articles about CrimeCraft


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LAKELAND | In 1984 the Bennigan's brand was on fire, luring a then-21-year-old Eric Belvin into the bar and restaurant trade. As a server at the now-defunct South Lakeland tavern, Belvin saw potential in working behind the bar.
LAKELAND | In 1984 the Bennigan's brand was on fire, luring a then-21-year-old Eric Belvin into the bar and restaurant trade. As a server at the now-defunct South Lakeland tavern, Belvin saw potential in working behind the bar.
Yearning to earn more money by bartending, Belvin appealed to bar manager Robert Snow so he could get behind the counter and start mixing whiskey sours and pulling taps.
The friendship that developed between master barkeep and apprentice blossomed over the years into a partnership in one of Central Florida's up-and-coming chain of bars, known locally by brand names Linksters Taproom and Paddy�wagon Irish Pub.
Other brands under Sarasota-based parent company Linksters Management Group include Smokin' Joe's, Legends Sports Pub and the Old Venice Pub.
Belvin, 52, and Snow, 58, both of Lakeland, are managing partners in the Polk County branch of a corporation founded in 2001 by Sarasota's Tom Elliott and Rich Kunzle. The group operates 16 bars, including five in Polk — three Linksters and two Paddywagons.
If zoning is approved, a third Paddywagon will open later this year on Cypress Gardens Boulevard in Winter Haven. The group's first franchised bar is set to open soon in downtown Tampa. It too will be a Paddy�wagon.
Belvin and Snow say they are happy with the simplicity of their formula, which eschews food so patrons can light up a smoke. The pair recently talked shop with The Ledger.
Q. Why Polk?
SNOW: Liquor licenses in Polk County are a lot more accessible and financially easy on the build-out. You can buy a license in Polk for about $45,000.
Q. It took you guys nearly three years to open a Linksters in downtown Lakeland. What took so long?
BELVIN: There could only be one liquor license on this block face, and at the time, Lillian's (Music Store) was there. We (eventually) went in and bought out Lillian's. We gave them $25,000 to just go away. We went to the (city's) planning and zoning board (to move into Lillian's space) and they denied us. Since we had previous (zoning) approval in this space (our current location), Tommy (Elliott) and Rich (Kunzle) commenced to buy it. We opened April 18, 2007.
Q. Your clientele hews to the Miller and Bud crowd. Have you considered crafts?
BELVIN: We have more craft beers in the Paddywagon. We're trying to get into a little more of the craft segment — that seems to be the growing trend. The Brewz Crewz (annual craft beer festival) in Lakeland has kind of opened the eyes of some people.
SNOW: One of our big crafts is Goose Island out of Chicago. We just had a successful run with their winter ale.
BELVIN: We have a craft beer of the week every week. We buy a case and we sell it until it's gone; we're usually sold out by Thursday.
Q. What's the deal with catering to smokers?
BELVIN: The law reads if more than 10 percent of our income is derived by food, then you can't smoke, so that's why we don't have food. That and the cost of the kitchen and kitchen staff. We feel like 70 percent of our clientele smoke.
Q. Can I get a Belgian ale at one of your bars?
BELVIN: You talking a Belgian or Belgian type? Is Hacker-Pschorr Belgian? What would be a Belgian?
Q. How about Chimay?
SNOW: No, we don't have Chimay. It's very expensive.
BELVIN: When we say we specialize in craft beer, most of those are American crafts.
Q. OK, Bud or Bud Light?
BELVIN: We're both Bud Light guys.
SNOW: Don't quote that, because we like to play both ends, you know what I mean? When we do our charity events, we like to hit them all.
BELVIN: We're both session beer addicts.
[ Eric Pera can be reached at email@example.com or 863-802-7528. ]


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Marguerite A. Bergstrom Left Her Mark on Island Hospitality, Housing and Politics
By MANDY LOCKE
Marguerite A. Bergstrom, a celebrated Island humanitarian, died in her Wing Road home Tuesday at the age of 81.
Better known by those who loved her as Bergie, Ms. Bergstrom was a war veteran, a retired nurse and hospital administrator, former innkeeper, veteran Tisbury official, affordable housing champion and prominent church leader.
Ms. Bergstrom was born on Jan. 4, 1922 in Natick to Eric G. and Alice Isackson Bergstrom. After her mother died during Ms. Bergstrom's infancy, her father married Alice's sister, Elisabeth, who became surrogate mother to Ms. Bergstrom and her two brothers. Ms. Bergstrom's parents moved to Oak Bluffs in the early 1950s - marking the her first exposure to the Island she would call home for the last 33 years.
As a young girl in Natick, Ms. Bergstrom dreamed of becoming a medical missionary in China.
"We had this fascinating missionary in my home town, who had been to China. He made it sound wonderful, so I wanted to be a medical missionary and go to China. So I went into training, but by the time I got out, Uncle Sam was having a little conflict, so I answered his bugle call," she said in a 1986 interview with the Martha's Vineyard Times.
The call took her all the way to England in 1943 as a first lieutenant in the United States Army Nursing Corps. In 1947, the army shipped Ms. Bergstrom home with a cane, after an injury caused by an ambulance accident she rarely discussed. Ms. Bergstrom tolerated a severe limp from the age of 23.
Back in the United States, the veteran took advantage of the GI Bill, graduating from Boston University in 1952 with a degree in nursing. She went on to earn a master's of science in nursing administration from Boston University in 1955. She worked briefly as a nursing service administrator at New England Medical Center before taking a post as director of nursing service at Morton Hospital in Taunton until 1970.
That's when Ms. Bergstrom found her way to the Island, ending a relationship with Martha's Vineyard that she described as one similar to a "carpetbagger." She ran the now defunct 28-bed Vineyard Haven Nursing Home, a post she held for just six months before the state closed its doors.
Ms. Bergstrom and her now-deceased partner Lydia Palmer turned their attention to the hospitality business - purchasing the nursing home building, now the Hanover House, and operating what Ms. Bergstrom often jokingly described as the first affordable housing on the Island.
"After the state came and closed it, Mary Cronig asked if we wanted to buy it. We didn't have a nickel to our name, but it was the deal of the century - $38,000," she said in an interview with the Gazette last summer.
Called Aidylberg - a nickname derived from the backward spelling of Ms. Palmer's first name and part of Ms. Bergstrom's last name - the casual bed-and-breakfast hosted young summer workers for $10 a week. Through the 1970s, Ms. Bergstrom could be seen tending rose bushes in front of Aidylberg, while Ms. Palmer, a longtime Edgartown school teacher, prepared pancakes for the guests.
True to her habit of fighting from the front lines, Ms. Bergstrom stepped into Tisbury politics in 1972 - leading the board of health during an era that brought a sewer system to the downtown area, free influenza vaccines and cleanup of the Tisbury landfill. Ms. Bergstrom's friend Arlene Bodge, a retired nurse and minister, remembers the former Navy nurse loading her station wagon with flu vaccines she'd secured through a grant from the state and setting up a portable nursing station near the former West Tisbury town hall. They lined up kids and adults alike to brace them for the winter of 1973 with a flu vaccine. Ms. Bergstom, whose fingers were already crippled with arthritis, took down patient information, while Ms. Bodge, decked in her white nurse's uniform, gave the shots.
Ms. Bergstrom reluctantly stepped down from her post on the board of health for an eight-year period to work as Tisbury's executive secretary. A disciplined and principled public servant, Ms. Bergstrom managed to fit 60 hours worth of work into her 40-hour week. Ms. Bergstom strolled down through the offices of town hall, making suggestions to other town hall staff that, in her no-nonsense tone, sounded more like orders than recommendations. In these moments, say folks who knew her well, it was better to comply than question.
"It's just better to do it than to cross her," said Marcia Cini, a close friend of Ms. Bergstrom.
It was during her town hall tenure that she encountered Carol Lashnits, a young assistant to the Tisbury planning board. Their conversations about housing for the Island's elderly became a crusade of sorts - leading to the creation of a nonprofit organization that has housed more than 300 elderly and disabled Islanders since 1981. Ms. Bergstrom, Ms. Lashnits and the late Margaret Love - a dynamic trio spanning three generations - led Island Elderly Housing, a group that has secured millions of dollars in grants for elderly housing on the Vineyard. Until her death this week, Ms. Bergstrom served as chairman of the board but worked like a full-time staff member.
"Berg and Margaret had so much faith. If you thought about every micromanaging detail, you'd never get started. Instead, we just thought about how to make peoples' lives better," Ms. Lashnits said this week.
To sit on a committee with Ms. Bergstrom, nearly always fierce and blunt, was an experience unto itself.
"Berg was always forceful and in charge, regardless of whether she was in charge or not. She said exactly what was on her mind, which made it a pleasure to serve with her," said John Early, a longtime member of the IEH board.
Ms. Bergstrom's departure comes at a bittersweet moment for Island Elderly Housing. Just last year, she donated her $1 million Wing Road property to the agency for the creation of low-income elderly housing. The project - christened Aidylberg in memory of her and Ms. Palmer's bed-and-breakfast venture - will appear before the Martha's Vineyard Commission in July. Ten units, in two barnlike structures, will be erected on the two acres behind her home.
Last month, Ms. Bergstrom rallied for one last battle - pushing hard for approval of a Hillside Village III building that was stalled in front of the Martha's Vineyard Commission. In a tongue-in-cheek response to an outpouring of neighborhood protest regarding the building, Ms. Bergstrom matter-of-factly announced during the MVC public hearing that she should rename Aidylberg "In My Backyard."
This was Ms. Bergstrom's signature - an edgy humor that pushed the envelope. But because she matched her convictions with action, Ms. Bergstrom managed to convert her opponents more often than alienate them.
Ms. Bergstrom's other legacy lives in the $300,000 renovation of Trinity United Methodist Church of the Camp Ground. As chairman of the church board of trustees, she also appointed herself clerk of the works for the major restoration project a few years ago.
"Berg had a determination to get all things done properly. She was over there day after day. She never got over being a supervisor or a boss. I don't know how to say that with love, but that's all we felt for her. She had a great rapport with the carpenters, but boy, did they fear her," said Albion Hart, Ms. Bergstrom's vice-chairman on the board of trustees.
Her tough exterior - with white hair slicked straight back and the blue seersucker blazer she reserved for nice occasions - often gave way to a soft heart. She read every piece of mail solicitation word for word - making her way onto enough political and nonprofit group mailing lists that she needed two post office boxes.
"She got mail from everyone - from Kerry and Clinton to funds for Native American children. They knew she was a softie. She couldn't not put a check in their return envelopes," Ms. Lashnits said, noting that until the day she died, Ms. Bergstrom remembered to mark the graduation of all her friends' and IEH staff members' children with a check.
It's these small gestures of unsolicited kindness that friends say they'll remember. Every Christmas, Ms. Bergstrom and Ms. Palmer delivered shoe boxes full of craft supplies to the children of friends. Ms. Bodge remembers gifts of tools when she tried to landscape the former Webb Campground she owned. Every return trip from off-Island, Ms. Bergstrom would bring a trunk full of potatoes for the soup suppers at the Old Whaling Church. She and Ms. Palmer prepared meals every Sunday for a table full of elderly women.
Ms. Bergstrom is predeceased by her partner of 40 years, Lydia Palmer; her parents Eric and Elisabeth Bergstrom. She had two brothers, Edward and Frederic Bergstrom. She is survived by several nieces and nephews, including Elizabeth Stoker of Morris, Conn., Daniel Bergstrom and Kurt Bergstrom of Southington, Conn., Frederic Bergstrom Jr. of Middletown, Conn., and Stephen Bergstrom of Westerly, R.I.
Funeral services are being held today at 10 a.m. at Trinity United Methodist Church. Interment will follow at the Oak Grove Cemetery. Friends are then invited to a reception at the Hillside Village community room following the ceremony.
Memorial gifts may be made to Island Elderly Housing, Trinity United Methodist Church or a charity of choice.


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Nov. 27, 2009
Complete Release in PDF Format
The Schedule
Saturday, November 28, 2009 at 7:30 p.m.
UC Santa Barbara at Loyola Marymount
at LMU's Gersten Pavilion (4,156)
Radio: KIST 1490 AM in Santa Barbara
On-Line Audio: UCSBgauchos.com
Game available on Gametracker
Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 7:00 p.m.
UC Santa Barbara vs. Santa Clara University
at UCSB's Thunderdome (6,000)
Radio: KIST 1490 AM in Santa Barbara
On-Line Audio: UCSBgauchos.com
Game available on Gametracker
Huddle Up!
There will be a Gaucho Huddle - L.A. Style! - held prior to the UCSB-Loyola Marymount game. The cost for the Huddle and a ticket to the game is just $20. For more information click here.
Great Seats Still Available
Men's and women's basketball season tickets are still available, giving fans an opportunity to catch the Gauchos all season long. Single game tickets are now also available.
Season tickets are only $125 for men's basketball and $100 for women's basketball (35% lower than last year). Similar to the successful men's soccer family plan, a new Family Plan season ticket is now available for both men's and women's basketball. Family plans, which include five season tickets (two adults and three youth season tickets), are $300 for men's basketball, $225 for women's basketball or get the combo plan (both men's and women's) for just $400. That's just $2.66 per game! UCSB faculty/staff will also receive 50% off pricing on all season tickets.
Click here to learn more about season ticket packages and single game tickets. Or, buy today by clicking here.
Listen To Gaucho Basketball All Season
All men's basketball games are broadcast live on AM 1490 KIST and available for free online via audio streaming. Fans from all over the world can also hear the Gauchos' online by clicking here.
The Gaucho Record
UC Santa Barbara enters its game at Loyola Marymount with a 3-0 record. After opening the season on Nov. 14 with an easy 85-57 win over Cal State Los Angeles, the Gauchos had to grind out a 66-57 win on Nov. 17 against Weber State. In their last game, on Nov. 23, UCSB led from start-to-finish in beating San Francisco, 76-65. UCSB finished the 2008-09 season with a 16-15 overall record and an 8-8 record in Big West Conference play. At one point last season, the Gauchos had records of 8-13 overall and 2-7 in the Big West before ending with eight wins in 10 games.
3-0 For The First Time Since...
You have to go all the way back to the 2006-07 season for the last time UCSB began the year with a 3-0 record. That season, the Gauchos actually went 4-0 before losing their first game. Additionally, this 3-0 start is the second in the 12-year tenure of head coach Bob Williams.
Gauchos Move To 3-0 With Start-To-Finish Win Over San Francisco
Orlando Johnson scored a UCSB career-high 25 points and added nine rebounds, and James Nunnally had a season-high 20 points as the Gauchos led from start-to-finish in a 76-65 win over visiting San Francisco on Nov. 23. Nunnally got UCSB off to a fast start by making two three-pointers in the opening two minutes and finished with 14 of his 20 points in the first half. Johnson scored 19 of his 25 in the second half. San Francisco pulled within four points at 59-55 with 5:45 remaining in the game, but the Dons got no closer. They fouled the Gauchos repeatedly down the stretch, but Santa Barbara made 11 of its last 12 shots from the free throw line to ice the victory. Jaimé Serna had his best offensive game of the season, scoring 13 points and collecting seven rebounds. San Francisco made 47.9% of its shots, but just 2-of-11 from beyond the three-point arc, 18.2%. UCSB shot 47.1% overall and 33.3% (6-of-18) from three-point territory. The Gauchos also had a season-low 10 turnovers.
Joyner Returns In Limited Role
Junior point guard Justin Joyner, who missed all of the 2008-09 season while recovering from wrist surgery, missed the first two regular season games of 2009-10 with a sprained ankle. Joyner improved enough to make a brief, and I do mean brief, appearance against San Francisco. He played two minutes in the game against the Dons, his first action since March of 2008. Joyner will play a progressively greater role as his ankle get closer to 100-percent and his conditioning improves. In his first two years in Santa Barbara, Joyner played in 60 of a possible 61 games, starting 58 times. He averaged 3.3 assists in those 60 games and just 1.8 turnovers. As a sophomore in 2007-08, he started all 32 games and quarterbacked a Gaucho team that set a school record with 23 wins. That year, Joyner had a Big West-leading 2.1-to-1.0 assist to turnover ratio with 116 assists and just 56 turnovers.
Gauchos Look For Better Road Fortune
The Gauchos hope to be a better road team in 2009-10 than they were in 2008-09. Last year, UCSB was 3-10 in true road games. The wins came at Utah Valley, Cal Poly, and UC Irvine. The Gauchos were also 3-1 in neutral court games in 2008-09 so overall, they posted a 6-11 record in games away from the Thunderdome.
The Opponents
UCSB and Loyola Marymount have played 81 times dating back to 1948. The Lions have gone 46-35 all-time, but the Gauchos have won the last two. On Dec. 1, 2007, UCSB won at Loyola Marymount, 63-56, and in that game current Gaucho Orlando Johnson played 17 minutes for LMU and scored seven points. Last year, on Dec. 13, 2008, Santa Barbara won at the Thunderdome, 81-61. UCSB and Santa Clara have played 23 times in a series that goes back to 1964. The Broncos hold an all-time advantage of 14-9 over the Gauchos. The teams have not played since Dec. 29, 2001, when Santa Clara defeated UCSB in the championship game of the Cable Car Classic, 61-59. The Broncos have won the last three games in the series.
Probable Starters - Quick Fact
G 20 Will Brew, Jr. - Had career-high six assists vs. San Francisco.
G 33 Orlando Johnson - 25 points vs. USF was one short of his LMU high.
G 42 James Powell - Needs 67 points to become 23rd Gaucho to hit 1,000 for career.
F 0 Jaimé Serna - Season-highs of 13 points and seven rebounds vs. USF.
F 32 Jon Pastorek - Had a game-high 11 rebounds in win over Weber State.
Probable Reserves - Quick Fact
G 1 Chris Brew - Expected to redshirt the 2009-10 season.
G 3 Jordan Weiner - Seven of his eight field goal attempts have been three-pointers.
G 4 Paul Roemer - Continues to play despite torn tendon in right middle finger.
G 11 Justin Joyner - UCSB is 42-19 in games that he plays in during his career.
F 15 Sam Phippen - Had career-high 14 points in opener vs. CSLA.
G 21 James Nunnally - Started game vs. USF and had 20 points, tying his 2nd highest ever.
F 25 Lucas Devenny - Played season-low four minutes vs. San Francisco.
C 55 Greg Somogyi - Made his first field goal of the season in win over San Francisco.
Gauchos Try To Stay Ahead Of The Game
In its Nov. 14 season opener against Cal State Los Angeles, UCSB fell behind by as many as five points in the first half. When James Powell made a mid-range jumps shot with 13:58 to play, it tied the score with the Golden Eagles, 14-14. A lay-up by Lucas Devenny at 13:20 put the Gauchos up for good in that game, an 85-57 win, and they haven't been behind since. If you disregard 0-0 scores as the ball went up for the tip-off, UCSB has been ahead of its opponents for the last 113 minutes and 20 seconds. In the last two games, wins over Weber State and San Francisco, Santa Barbara had very fast starts. Against Weber State, the Gauchos jumped to a 14-0 lead and against San Francisco it was 12-4.
In its win over San Francisco, UCSB scored 76 points, winning 76-65. Of the 76 points, four were scored by senior James Powell, three by junior Jordan Weiner and two apiece by juniors Jon Pastorek and Sam Phippen. The upper-class foursome combined for 11 points. The Gauchos sophomore class, however, picked up the slack. Sophomores Orlando Johnson (25), James Nunnally (20), Jaimé Serna (13), Will Brew, Jr., (5), and Greg Somogyi (2) combined for 65 points, 85.5% of the team's total. That same group, plus freshman Lucas Devenny, totaled 22 of the Gauchos' 31 rebounds, 71.0%, and eight of 13 assists, 61.5%. Through three games, UCSB's top three scorers are sophomores Johnson (21.0 ppg), Nunnally (13.5 ppg) and Serna (8.0 ppg).
Depth Charges
Through three games UCSB has used 14 players. Ten players have played in all three games and 11 players have played in two or more games. James Nunnally sat out the opener and Justin Joyner missed the first two games, if that were not the case, the Gauchos could easily have had 12 players play in each of the first three games.
Gauchos Try To Stay Ahead Of The Game
In its Nov. 14 season opener against Cal State Los Angeles, UCSB fell behind by as many as five points in the first half. When James Powell made a mid-range jumps shot with 13:58 to play, it tied the score with the Golden Eagles, 14-14. A lay-up by Lucas Devenny at 13:20 put the Gauchos up for good in that game, an 85-57 win, and they haven't been behind since. If you disregard 0-0 scores as the ball went up for the tip-off, UCSB has been ahead of its opponents for the last 113 minutes and 20 seconds. In the last two games, wins over Weber State and San Francisco, Santa Barbara had very fast starts. Against Weber State, the Gauchos jumped to a 14-0 lead and against San Francisco it was 12-4.
A Three For All? Try A Three For Few
Whether it has been outstanding perimeter defense or just lousy shooting by its opponents, UCSB's three-point field goal defense has been sterling through three games. Actually, it has probably been a little of both. In the opener, Cal State Los Angeles made 4-of-17 shots from outside the three-point arc, 23.5%. That has been the high-water mark for a Gaucho opponent this season. Weber State hit 7-of-38, 18.4%, and then San Francisco made just 2-of-11, 18.2%. In the last two games, Weber State and San Francisco combined to make 9-of-49, 18.4%. Weber State's' 31 missed three-point attempts were the most by a UCSB opponent in school history.
In 2008-09, UCSB averaged 20.6 free throws per game and shot 69.4% from the line. It's early, but through three games in 2009-10, the Gauchos are going to the free throw line with frightening regularity. Actually, it probably hasn't frightened anyone, but they are shooting a bunch of free throws. In its first three contests, Santa Barbara has attempted exactly 100 free throws, making 69. Let me get my calculator out. Give me a second. Hmmmm. That means the Gauchos are making 69.0% of their free throws. The number that jumps out, however, are the 33.3 free throw attempts per game. Last year, the most charity shots attempted by UCSB in a game were 35 in a win over UC Davis. This year, the Gauchos have been at or over 30 in each game and they attempted a high of 39 in the win over Weber State. In that one, they made 27, the most since they hit 32 in an overtime game at Cal State Northridge on Mar. 4, 2006.
Taking Care Of Business...And The Ball
UCSB had 17 turnovers in the first game of the season against Cal State Los Angeles, but since then the Gauchos have been pretty sure-handed with the ball. In the games against Weber State and San Francisco, they had a total of 22 turnovers, 11.0 per game. Overall, through three games, Santa Barbara is at 13.0 turnovers per game, a drop from last year's 15.6.
Johnson Continues His Fast Start, Sets Newcomer Standard
Orlando Johnson's fast start to the 2009-10 season continues. In the Gauchos' win over San Francisco, the sophomore transfer scored 25 points and had nine rebounds. The 25 points were one shy of his career-high of 26 set during his freshman year at Loyola Marymount when he had 26 against Wagner. Johnson is leading the Big West in scoring at 21.0 points per game and he is also among the league-leaders at 8.0 rebounds per game, tops on the team. He is shooting 60.6% from the field and was a perfect 7-for-7 in the opener against Cal State Los Angeles. Also, Johnson has led UCSB in scoring in each of his first three games, the first time a newcomer has done that in program history. Finally, the Seaside, Calif., native had 19 points and 10 rebounds on Nov. 17 against Weber State, the Gauchos' first double-double of the season.
Second To Nunnally
Sophomore James Nunnally received his first start of the season on Nov. 23 against San Francisco and responded with 20 points, four rebounds, and two assists. He made 3-of-4 three-point attempts in the game. Nunnally, who was suspended for the opener because of "time-related issues," returned against Weber State but struggled with his shooting (1-for-6 from the field) and finished with seven points. Against San Francisco, he made 6-of-10 from the floor. For Nunnally, it was the third time in his career that he has scored 20 or more points and the three three-point baskets equaled his personal best. Dating back to the 2008-09 season, Nunnally has scored 105 points in his last seven games, an average of 15.0 per game. Finally, in each of the last two games, he made 5-of-6 free throws, totaling 10-of-12.
Something's Brewing
Sophomore Will Brew, Jr., made just 1-of-5 shots in the win over San Francisco, but the most significant part of his stat line were his six assists and just two turnovers. Brew, who is among the top-five in the Big West in assists, had a career-high six against San Francisco. He is averaging 4.0 assists per game. In his last two games, Brew has eight assists and just two turnovers and on the season he has 12 assists and just four turnovers. In each of the three games this season, he has had a better than 2-to-1 assist to turnover ratio. Brew is also averaging 5.0 points, 2.3 rebounds, and 1.3 steals per game.
Yes, Serna!
He wears zero on his jersey, but Jaimé Serna has been anything but for UCSB. After missing several practices with an arm injury and not playing in the exhibition game against Sonoma State, Serna has started to get back in a groove. In the opener against Cal State Los Angeles, he played just 10 minutes before fouling out, scoring two points and collecting a pair of rebounds. Against Weber State, he was in the starting lineup, played 22 minutes and had nine points and three rebounds. In the win over San Francisco, Serna played one of his best games as a Gaucho. He made 6-of-7 field goal attempts and scored 13 points, equaling the second highest total of his career. He also had seven rebounds.
The Bob Williams File
2009-10 is Bob Williams's12th season as head coach at UC Santa Barbara. In 2008-09, Wiliams guided the Gauchos to a 16-15 overall record and an 8-8 mark in the Big West Conference. The record, however, doesn't tell the entire story. UCSB was forced to overcome a myriad of injuries and at one point stood at 8-13 overall and 2-7 in league play.
In 2007-08, Williams guided the Gauchos to a 23-9 overall record. The 23 wins were a school record, and UCSB also won its second Big West regular season title with a 12-4 conference record. Following the campaign, the Gauchos were awarded a bid to the National Invitation Tournament. It was the third time that a Williams-coached UCSB team advanced to postseason play.
The 2002 Gauchos won the school's first Big West Tournament title, advancing to the NCAA Tournament, and in 2003, they won the league's regular season championship and played in the NIT. Williams has been selected Big West Coach of the Year twice, in 1998-99 and 2002-03.
In 1998-99, he took over a UCSB program that had not recorded a winning season in five years, and after seeing his team lose its first eight games that year - extending a two-season losing streak to 16 straight games - the Gauchos turned things around, winning 15 of their final 20 games and finishing on top in the Big West's Western Division.
Williams has a UCSB record of 180-146. He guided the program to nine winning seasons in his first 11 years - including the last four in a row - and a pair of 20 win seasons. He has a career record of 108-72 in Big West games.
Prior to his arrival at UCSB, Williams spent eight years at UC Davis and in those eight years, his teams recorded 20 or more wins five times and a 158-76 record. In Williams's final season, the Aggies went 31-2, won the NCAA Division II National Championship and he was named NABC Division II Coach of the Year. Including two seasons at Menlo College, Williams has an overall career record of 371-246 (.602) at four-year schools.
It's Not `Goodbye,' It's See You Later. REAL Later!
Following the game against Santa Clara, UCSB will be off until it hosts San Diego State on Saturday, Dec. 5 in the Thunderdome. Tip-off for the game against the Aztecs is 7:00 p.m. After that game, the Gauchos will hit the road for six games in a row, not returning home until Friday, Jan. 8 when they host UC Davis at 8:00 p.m. in an ESPN-televised game. Santa Barbara will play at Montana State on Dec. 18 and at Arizona State on Dec. 21. Following a 10-second break for Christmas, the Gauchos will head to the Bay Area to take part in the Golden Bear Classic at Cal. On Dec. 28, they will play Furman and on Dec. 29, they will play either Cal or Utah Valley. After a five-second break for New Years, UCSB opens Big West play on Jan. 2 at UC Irvine and Jan. 4 at UC Riverside.
Talk'n Gauchos
UCSB Athletics has a new weekly radio show called Talk'n Gauchos which airs every Tuesday from 6-7 p.m. on AM 1490 KIST. The show is broadcast live from State & A Bar and Grill, located on the corner of State Street and Anapamu Street in Santa Barbara. Fans are encouraged to attend the show for free gear and ticket giveaways or to even e-mail a question in to one of the guests and have it read live over the air. The show also airs live online via audio streaming and fans can click here to check out the entire lineup of live audio streaming online.


text:
The Olympic Games are weeks away, and NBC is teaming up with Adobe for two apps that will provide easy access to game details as well as live streaming from London. The free Adobe AIR-powered apps - NBC Olympics Live Extra and NBC Olympics - are now available for iOS and Android. The first will allow for live streaming of more than 3,500 hours of Olympic content, while the second provides more indepth details about the athlethes, the games, and more. In a nod to the TV Everywhere model, access to the "vast majority" of streaming content will be limited to U.S. users with a pay TV subscription. In order to watch, users will be asked to sign in with their cable login, whether that is Time Warner Cable, Comcast, Cablevision, or a smaller regional provider. Ashley Still, director of product management for Video Solutions at Adobe, said that 97 percent of all households that pay for TV can access the live streaming content. If you're at home and also get Internet access via your TV provider, the app will automatically recognize that you are allowed to watch the live streaming content. Those who don't currently have a login for their cable provider can contact the company; NBC has a list of contact numbers on its website. The same authentication can be used across multiple devices...
Scooped by
Peter Rosenberg
onto TV Everywhere


text:
SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives
Caught him sexting again.
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MylarPineapples posted 6/17/2013 10:09 AM
Hi, I'm new to SI. Father's Day morning I looked at my husband's text history and discovered a very explicit sexting conversation with one of his coworkers, complete with photos. This is not the first time he's done this, and I just don't know where to go from here.
I have no evidence that my husband has ever had a physical affair, but I have caught him sexting with other women multiple times. The first few times were over 10 years ago, and were just very flirtatious text messages with women he worked with. There was also some facebook flirting with women he knew from high school. I flipped out, and he denied he'd done anything wrong and insisted it was no big deal, that he was just "having fun". Then in 2008, I discovered he had developed a sort of EA with a neighbor who was getting a divorce. She had sent him provocative photos of herself, and he texted her CONSTANTLY for about a month. I later discovered he was actually texting her while sitting at the table with me having a romantic date night, and once had her in our house with our kids while I was at work. I also learned he had taken her out on one occasion (telling me he was going out with friends), but he insisted nothing physical ever happened. It took weeks of research and hysterics for me to get all the info out of him, and it was devastating. He eventually apologized, admitted how wrong he was, and agreed to never do it again. He cut off contact with the woman and she moved away.
I gradually gained trust back, and after a few years felt like our marriage was fantastic - and he agreed. I never even thought about looking at his phone anymore, or at his cell bill. Then, 5 months ago, my world fell apart again. His phone received a text while he was sleeping, and it kept giving little alert beeps because no one had acknowledged it. So I picked up the phone and pushed the button - and up popped a photo of one of his coworkers, topless and in a very sexual pose. There were no other messages from her on the phone (he had deleted them, but she sent this one after he had fallen asleep) so he initially tried to tell me she must have sent it to him by accident. But then I looked up his cell usage records and printed out the log of their texts messages. Just the log of their text usage alone for the previous 3 weeks filled 25 printed pages.
I was devastated. Again, he insisted nothing physical had ever happened, it was just flirting for fun, she was nothing to him, he never intended to take it any further. I discovered he had cancelled plans with our son one day because he was hoping to make plans with her. He insisted it was platonic, nothing sexual intended. He apologized, begged and pleaded, freaked out and panicked, said he couldn't lose me over something so stupid. He texted her and told her I knew and he didn't want to lose his marriage. But then the cell records revealed that he called her the next day (which he deleted off his phone history) and didn't tell me about it. He said he only called to explain why he wouldn't be able to talk to her anymore - but he already had, so WTF?
But as far as I can tell, he never texted her or called her since. He has been very loving and attentive, sex has been great, and I thought it was just a stupid mistake that we were putting behind us.
Then Sunday morning, I was up getting his Father's Day presents ready while everyone else was asleep. The previous week he had mentioned to me that a different girl at work had broken up with her boyfriend and had been sleeping around since - I actually asked him if she had been flirting with him at all, and he totally denied it... I saw his phone sitting there and thought I would just reassure myself. There was a few innocent seeming text messages from her, but nothing inappropriate. Then I looked at the history section, and found that he had deleted a LOT of messages from one day a few weeks prior. It only displayed the first line or so of the messages, but it was enough - VERY explicit and graphic sexting messages. I could also see from the log that she had sent numerous picture messages, and from their messages I could figure out what the pictures were of. They planned that he would sneak over to her house after I went to work, and he was telling her what he wanted to do to her. (He later sent another message saying he wouldn't be able to come over after all.)
I am just over it. He is apologetic, says he did it because he was "BORED". Says it is nothing to do with me, and he doesn't know what is wrong with him. He says I am beautiful and sexy and he loves me and can't lose me. I told him I don't want him in my bed anymore, so he said he will sleep in the basement. He says he is going to go to counseling to fix whatever is wrong with him.
I feel like I am at a crossroads here. I really really love this man. Aside from this, he is really a wonderful husband - I have been blind-sided by this crap every single time, because he is always so loving and attentive. But at this point, I feel like there is no hope that this is going to stop happening. Do I divorce him, and throw my children's father out of our house? Or do I stay married to him and just try to accept that this is the type of man he is and try to ignore it??
Sorry this got so long. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.
1Faith posted 6/17/2013 11:12 AM
Dear Mylar
So sorry that you are dealing with this again.
((gently))Your husband is a serial cheater. He has had many EA and I am hard pressed from what you have written to believe there has never been anything physical.
Aside from this, he is really a wonderful husband
That is your co-dependency talking. That is like an abused woman saying "he's really great when he's not beating me"
Great husbands do not seek attention from OW outside their marriage. Great husbands do not put their own selfish needs before their wives and family. He is selfish and arrogant.
He has repeatedly disrespected you.
do I stay married to him and just try to accept that this is the type of man he is and try to ignore it??
Do you really want to live your life this way? No, you don't have to accept it.
You get to choose how you will live your life. You choose what is acceptable and what is not. If he can't comply then that is HIS decision.
Look up the 180. This stops only when you say it stops. He has continued with his horrible choices because there have been no consequences if he doesn't.
Now is the time for you to take back some power.
He needs IC and you need IC to help you figure out how you navigate through this storm.
Either way, you can do it. You will make it through and come out the other side okay.
Be strong and don't play into his sorry bs. Sorry doesn't cover this.
Keep moving.
NeverAgain2013 posted 6/17/2013 11:25 AM
Awww Mylar, I'm awful sorry you find yourself here.
You know, I know men like your husband. Always on the make, always looking for a cheap thrill, and always sleazing it up behind their wive's backs.
I hate to say it, but there's just no way your husband hasn't taken advantage of every opportunity that's been thrown in his lap. I don't believe for one second that all his sexually explicit conversations with coworkers over the years did NOT eventually lead to hookups outside work.
Unfortunately, these liars will ONLY admit to what they absolutely HAVE to. Over the years, all you've found are his sexually explicit texts to different women - but never a 'smoking gun.' If texts and pics are all you've ever found, then that's ALL he's ever going to admit to. Had you been lucky enough to find one of the texts that discussed plans for meeting - or talked about how hot their meeting 2 nights ago WAS - then he would have only admitted to that one night you found evidence for.
They'll only admit to what you FIND. Keep that in mind.
I think my first order of business would be to make him get a full STD screening - and that would be non negotiable. He can scream 'innocent' all he wants, but I don't think you've been given the whole truth.
I guess my best advice would be to proceed with extreme caution until you're able to find out what he's really been doing all these years. Ugh - I was married to a man like this and left him.
Sorry you find yourself here.
confused615 posted 6/17/2013 12:31 PM
He's fucking her. Im sorry to be blunt,but I think you need someone to just tell you the truth..he is fucking her.
They are adults..not junior high school kids..they are flirting and sending naked pics to each other. The next "logical" step is sex. Why would you think he has NOT had sex with her? Because he says so? but he is a liar and a cheater..you can't believe him.
Put spyware on his phone and a keylogger on his computer...and a VAR in the car. Dont say another word to him...I'd bet within 48 hours of placing the VAR in his car,you will hear the two of them either talking about having sex,or having sex.
doesitgetbetter posted 6/17/2013 12:39 PM
He keeps doing it because you keep letting him get away with it. What has he done to ever work on himself after you've caught him sexting in the past? Has he ever gone to MC with you? Talked about infidelity with the MC? Has he had IC to work on his issues? Specifically the infidelity?
You've let him slide on it for so long that he just keeps doing it. He has no reason to stop because you keep staying and being right there waiting for him. Life at home is unpleasant for a few weeks, but then you "trust" him and he can go right back to getting his rocks off with coworkers.
fourever posted 6/17/2013 12:40 PM
So very sorry. But, I agree with Confused, she's spot on. You are avoiding facing the truth you already know.
Please don't let this go on.
Pull up your Bitch Boots, they are waiting in the closet for you.
Make an appt with an attorney to find out your rights.
Open an account in your name and fund it WELL.
Kick him to the curb until he can tell you the truth.
Contact the other BS, and tell him. (Do not tell your wh you are contacting him until after you do it.)
It only stops when you say it does.
confused615 posted 6/17/2013 12:41 PM
Time to put your bitch boots on.
Ashland13 posted 6/17/2013 12:44 PM
I'm sorry to say that I agree with the others.
This sounds like minimalizing, to toss in a vocab word, but when I learned it, I could go read about it and it helped with my own fog.
Perv will only grudgingly admit if I ask something (and I have to stomp sometimes) and there is no forthcoming information.
I think you have also not discovered what your deal breakers are or what your threshold is for the things WH is doing and your level of pain tolerance.
One thing that helped me towards D, though I kicked and screamed to do it, was the lifting of fog on my own self-respect. He tried to take that away from me and I-we-don't have to let them.
I think the VAR is a good idea and getting more evidence will be in your favor. Perv slept with his phone under his pillow-and worse-so there was never a chance to grab it like you've had, but his behavior changes were a clue.
And FWIW, one thing that pushed my threshold was the lies and the sneaking, not just the A itself-the lies and sneaking your WH are doing are very disrespectful to you and I hate to have it happen to someone else.
I'm sorry for your hard time and hope you can make some decisions.
Tesa posted 6/17/2013 16:25 PM
I could have written this post in 2006, with my 1st husband. I "caught" him in so many inappropriate situations with MANY OW. I hated his phone!
He was my 1st and only and I THOUGHT WE WERE HAPPY. Turns out it was just what I thought.
All I can say is that where there is smoke, there is fire!
Don't let him dragging you through this again. Stand firm because he is definitely a serial offender.
catlover50 posted 6/17/2013 16:50 PM
Sorry Mylar. Hugs to you.
I agree with the advice you are getting, except I don't believe that you have to prove a PA. Isn't his lying and sexting that you have proof of betrayal enough? He knows how it has devastated you in the past. I agree he probably has taken it there, but the known betrayal is bad enough, IMO.
I think that if there is any chance of his "owning his shit" you need to kick him out and start divorce proceedings. He is disrespecting you and taking advantage of your forgiveness. Perhaps there is no changing for him but it will take more than what you have done in the past.
Best of luck. I'm so sorry for your pain.
solus sto posted 6/17/2013 17:29 PM
He keeps doing it because you keep letting him get away with it.No. This is not true, and I'm always very concerned when new members who are in the throes of the pain post-discovery are told this. It reeks of blame--something none of us need when so badly hurt.
The fact is this: Your husband has betrayed you--because he WANTS to. He is not doing it because of your response or non-response. He is cheating BECAUSE HE WANTS TO. It's a choice he is making, and it speaks to his deficiencies, not yours.
Yes, how we respond is important---but not because it drives the behavior of others. We can control only our OWN thoughts, feelings, and actions. Likewise, your husband is fully responsible for his own.
Your response is important, because it influences how you feel about yourself. Fact is, you could do everything "right" (many of us have done so, or darn close), and still find yourself with a cheating spouse.
So please--do NOT internalize any, "He does it because you let him" messages. It's hard enough to get past infidelity without self-blame.
Accept that your husband has chosen to cheat. Consider that you only have uncovered the very tip of the iceberg---but that you may never know the real extent of what he's done. He's got a years-long pattern of very inappropriate behavior at best; the compulsive nature of it suggests that it likely has escalated over time. When others say, "He's fucking her," they're probably right.
You wonder where to go from here. The good news is that you don't have to make any decisions today. Or tomorrow. You can plan and prepare and do things the way that work "best" for you in a situation that is about as far from "best" as can be.
If I were doing it again, I'd set aside the interrogation, the intel-gathering, and so on. You already have amassed massive amounts of information. You know he's cheating. If you're like me, you want to know the extent---but from HIM. And he has shown an uncanny ability to hide and lie and sneak; he's not apt to tell you a thing, unless he is VERY motivated to do so.
So, my focus--in your shoes--would be to provide that motivation. What I wish I'd done was an IMMEDIATE hard 180. This detachment does a couple of things. Most importantly, it gives you strength and distance to make wise choices for yourself. This is critical---especially when near-immobilized by pain. Secondly (but often not at all--so don't hang your hat on this one), the distance and detachment can nudge an on-the-fence WS, who suddenly sees what s/he stands to lose, to get OFF the fence and do what is right.
The latter is really not the intent of the 180 (which is located in the Healing Library under the FAQs for BSs; it is #11). Often, the WS is so self- and -affair-absorbed that s/he does not see the BS's detachment. Sometimes, the WS sees it, and views it negatively; my husband did this---he cited my detachment as further rationale for his bad behavior. (Hence my emphatic insistence that no, your husband is NOT cheating "because you keep letting him get away with it;" cheaters cheat because they CHOOSE to cheat, WANT to cheat, DECIDE to cheat---not because their BSs do or do not do something.)
Use the 180 to gain some breathing room and to gain a little perspective. If you want, as you work to detach using the 180, you can also gather a bit more intel with a voice activated recorder or private investigator. Or, you can work to accept that you will never really know the extent of the infidelity, and go from there. Only you can decide how much more information you need, given what you already know.
Keep in mind that most decisions you make are not irrevocable. There's room for error. If you decide to stay, you can change your mind. If you decide to hold off on filing, you can file later. If you go ahead and file, you can halt the process. The one thing you CAN'T do is un-see evidence or unlearn details. Think hard before you ask for them (from your husband, by gathering electronic intel, or by using a PI). I'm not discouraging you from doing so; I was one who needed as much info as possible--but had to accept that once I had the information, I had to find a way to live with it. Though painful, this was easier for me than the unknown.
Thing is, even though I decided I wanted/needed details, that did not guarantee I'd get them! If you decide you want details, prepare yourself for the possibility that you will never get them. It's very frustrating; as you make decisions for yourself, determinations of what you need to best heal, you may find that your husband's intentions do not match. This is what happened for me; I have never been told anything more than I discovered on my own. Making peace with this is something many BSs must do.
Good luck, MP--come here often; there's tons of support.
meplusfour posted 6/17/2013 17:39 PM
Listen to solus sto, she is wise beyond her years. Sending you thoughts and prayers.
jackie89 posted 6/17/2013 19:18 PM
I second that - Listen to Solus Sto - Absolutely great advise!
MylarPineapples posted 6/17/2013 20:01 PM
Wow, thank you for all your replies. I will be rereading them all numerous times, I'm sure.
I completely realize that it seems ridiculous to believe anything he says, and it seems obvious that he MUST have messed around physically with someone in all this. But deep down I really question it - not because I think he's incapable of doing such a thing or whatever, but because I don't think sexual gratification is the reason he does this. I think it's much more about getting his ego stroked, which doesn't require any physical contact and allows him to keep telling himself that since he didn't actually touch any of these women then he's done nothing wrong. That being said, I admit that there is every possibility that I am wrong, and it certainly seems likely that if he hasn't slept with anyone else yet that it seems to be escalating in that direction.
Luckily, there has never been an OBS in any of these scenarios that I know about. He seems to have a distinct type: young, petite brunettes who are very fresh out of bad marriages and are very desperate for attention. This most recent girl had actually had a ONS with my husband's best friend (who is single) just a week before the sexting incident with my husband.
I don't know what I am going to do quite yet. I don't feel hysterical like I have the other times - it almost feels like an emotional callous is developing on my heart or something. But for the timebeing, I am going to stick with not allowing him in my bed, and I will try the 180 thing. That is so hard, because he is my very best friend. I can't believe this is happening.
I might look into the VAR and keyloggers - I'm not sure how all that works, but I assume that if I google it I can figure it out. I agree that I don't think he would ever in a thousand years admit to a PA unless I had hard evidence of it.
Thanks again for all your suggestions and support.
[This message edited by MylarPineapples at 8:02 PM, June 17th (Monday)]
Dare2Trust posted 6/18/2013 02:13 AM
You are dealing with a LIAR and a CHEATER; and I assure you: He's had physical, sexual affairs with these women -and he constantly LIES to you about his sexual involvment.
It's really your call: You can ignore his cheating and continue to live this way - or you can decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and demand that he STOP, seek therapy and CHANGE....or kick his butt to the curb and divorce his cheating ass.
He can STOP...and he can CHANGE. But he must STOP THE LIES - admit he "needs to stop and change."
I'm sincerely sorry for the continuous pain you are going through.
MylarPineapples posted 6/18/2013 08:17 AM
He says he is going to call today and make an appointment to start seeing a counselor. He is being extremely remorseful. I am just really not talking to him about any of this right now. I think today I will go buy a VAR, and then open a bank account in my own name and put some of our savings in it. I don't know what I am going to do about my marriage yet, but I DO know that I don't want to be screwed if he suddenly decides that he is too "bored" staying married to me.
confused615 posted 6/18/2013 08:25 AM
I'll tell you what you do about saving your marriage right now.
Not one damn thing.
HE needs to spring into action and show you he is fighting for you and the marriage.
Your job is to dig for evidence and to watch him. If he is being honest,you will find out. If he is lying,well,you'll find that out too. Watch him. It is not your job to save this marriage right now. You don't have to do anything.
And,honey,most WS will tell you they did it for an ego stroke. Mine did. Read over on the wayward forum. We have some wonderful,remorseful,healed former waywards...the majority of them will tell you they did it for validation and an ego stroke. Please do not base you reason for thinking nothing was physical because you think he wasn't doing it for sexual gratification. The truth is,you don't know his "why" any more than he does. He needs to go to IC and figure that out.
Are you taking care of yourself?
solus sto posted 6/18/2013 11:23 AM
It's great to see you making concrete plans to protect yourself. Don't stop with the bank account, please. More important is your health.
About the ego stroking rationale for sexting, for a moment. Yes, you're right. Infidelity does occur, quite often, as a quest for the ego stroke. But think about how a junkie functions: first, s/he uses just a little bit, and gets the expected high. Then, a little more is needed to get the same high. Eventually, life centers on finding the high, and the need for drug, in higher amounts and strengths, increases. The drug may---and often does--change, in the quest for that high.
It's VERY likely that after 10 years of sexting, your husband is using it not to gain the high of the ego stroke, but to set up the event that will provide the REAL high. It's very likely that he has escalated out of the texting realm.
I'm sorry. I wish this were not true. But it's very uncommon for a person with poor boundaries to draw a decade-long firm boundary around physical infidelity. If he's made the graphic texting okay in his mind, it's not a huge leap to make other things okay in his mind. I truly hope I am wrong, but because the stakes are high, it's important to consider the possibility.
I can't begin to count how many of us have spouses who "only texted," or "only flirted," or "just called 900 numbers," or even "just watched porn" (which is not always problematic, but for a subset does replace emotional and/or physical intimacy and cause real problems for them, and in their relationships).
I can't tell you how many of those spouses, the ones who "just" watched, or "just" listened, or "just" <fill in the blank>, have, in fact, escalated to have physical affairs. Frighteningly, they often escalate to have high-risk sex with high-risk partners.
We don't want you to learn this about your husband. We especially don't want you to learn it the way some of us have: with the diagnosis of an STD.
It's for that reason that I recommend that you take measures to protect yourself. At this point, you do not know the extent of your husband's behaviors. Because of that, you must assume he is like any stranger you'd meet. Would you have unprotected sex with a new man in your life? No.
Well, right now, the man you live with is a stranger. As heart-wrenching as it is, the truth of the matter is that you know no more about his sexual history than you'd know about any random guy you'd meet in bar. (I am so sorry for typing this---literally, I have tears in my eyes; the hardest thing for me to assimilate, post-d-day was that I did not know my husband. I truly, truly hope you discover that you DO know the truth, and can move forward from there. But for now, you cannot make that assumption. The risk is too high.)
You must be tested for STDs. In your shoes, I would not have sex with him until he, too, was tested and the first round of tests came back clear. Then, until the recommended re-tests (which might be spread over 24 months, depending on your doctor's recommendations) are completed, I'd use a condom for every sex act, including oral sex. (I will spare you details of the STD I contracted; suffice it to say it was in my oropharynx, and was next to impossible to diagnose and treat---and caused me over a year of real suffering. I will say this: oral sex without condom is not safe, if your partner has been with others whose sexual histories you do not know.)
Only then, and ONLY if, by that time, you are convinced that NOTHING NEW -- no sexting, no anything--- has taken place, would I resume unprotected sex. I would resign myself to the possibility that, in this marriage with this man, you will never achieve that certainty. He's remorseless, and he's continued the same bad behavior for which he VERY recently expressed "remorse" and offered hollow promises. He's in DEEP, and he's making no real gestures to stop.
I am so, so sorry to belabor these points. I do so only so that you stay safe as you work to heal from this. I genuinely hope that you are able to move forward in the way you'd like to, and that there are no other discoveries to be made.
Know that, if there are, you WILL get through it. You have lots of support, and lots of strength.
MylarPineapples posted 6/18/2013 11:47 AM
I just opened a bank account online and put a few hundred dollars in it for now, just to get one established while I figure out what I'm doing. I am going to go shopping now for VAR. Funny, we used to have a cassette version of a VAR that my husband had bought when he was in the process of catching his first wife cheating. I cannot believe I am going to buy one of these things, and I have no idea how I'm going to hide it in his car. Duct tape it to the underside of the seat, or what?? I was searching online to try to find some sort of app to install on his phone that will forward copies of all his text messages to me, but I can't figure that out. This is exhausting.
MylarPineapples posted 6/18/2013 11:50 AM
Also, I quit smoking a few months ago, and it is KILLING ME - I want to smoke soooo bad. But all I can imagine is that if I did manage to escape any STD's, if I smoke I will end up getting lung cancer as a result of my husband's bullsh*t.
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We now have pictures of the Playstation 3 that Sony refused to repair under warranty because the unit was too dusty. Sony originally claimed that the pictures would not be released without a subpoena, and that the dust presented a threat to their technician's health that could only be alleviated if our tipster paid $150. After our posts, Sony abruptly reversed course and released the pictures to our tipster. Sony's letter, the pictures, and our poll, after the jump.
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