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2-7-14 UPDATE: The Tama County Attorney's Office has now released information which accuses Gordon Lasley Jr., 25, of two counts of 1st degree murder in the deaths of his parents, Gordon Lasley Sr., 60, and Kim Lasley, 57. The complaint is signed by Meskwaki Nation Tribal Police Detective Craig Karr. Lasley's bond was set at $2 million cash following an appearance Thursday before Tama County Magistrate Ann Kuhter.
The complaint states a machete was believed used in the killings.
The County Attorney's news release says:
Article Photos
Meskwaki Nation Tribal Police vehicle and an Iowa Division of Criminal Investigation crime scene unit are seen parked outside the residence where the investigation of two deaths, believed homicide victims, were found late Wednesday night, Feb. 5.
Chronicle/News-Herald/John Speer
On the night of February 5th, 2014; the Meskwaki Nation Tribal Police Department initiated a homicide investigation. The Meskwaki Nation Police Department was assisted by the Office of the Tama County Sheriff, the F.B.I., the D.C.I. and the Office of the Iowa State Medical Examiner in the investigation. Gordon Lasley Jr. has been charged with two counts of Murder in the First Degree. Gordon Lasley Jr. is accused of murdering Gordon Sr. and Kim Johnson Lasley; his parents. Gordon Lasley Jr. was arrested by a Deputy Tama County Sheriff in rural Tama County during the early morning hours of February 6, 2014. Gordon Lasley appeared for initial appearance before a Tama County Magistrate late in the afternoon of February 6, 2014.
The arrest complaint says Gordon Lasley Jr. was driving a car registered to his mother when apprehended by the deputy sheriff. There was blood on him and in the car, it said. A machete was found on the davenport of the residence. Kim Lasley's body was found in the basement and Gordon Lasley Sr.'s body was in the living room.
EARLIER UPDATE: The names of the victims of an apparent homicide on the Meskwaki Settlement west of Tama were released shortly after 10 a.m. in a press release handout by the Sac and Fox Tribe. Gordon Lasley Sr. and Kim Lasley, husband and wife are named as the victims.
A suspect in the deaths is being held in the Tama County Jail in Toledo. No charges have yet been filed.
Investigation of the murders conducted since early this morning (Feb. 6) involved Meskwaki Nation Tribal Police assisted by the FBI, agents of the Iowa division of Criminal Investigation, Tama County Sheriff's Office and Tama and Toledo Police. Tribal Police were first summoned to a residence on Meskwaki Road in the late evening of Feb. 5 according to the news release.
The U.A. Attorney and Tama County Attorney's Office are being consulted for a venue for charges.
In a statement accompanying the news release, Judith Bender, Tribal Chairwoman said, "The Sac and Fox Tribe is a very close knit community and we are all shocked and saddened by this. Our thought and prayers go out ot the family and all those affected by this horrific event."
Earlier: Details are few so far in the reported murders of two persons on the Meskwaki Settlement west of Tama. Public Affairs Specialist Sandy Breault of the FBI Office in Omaha told The Chronicle/News-Herald a statement will be issued later this morning. The deaths were believed reported early Thursday morning, Feb. 6. The Tama County Medical Examiner's Office does not investigate deaths on the Settlement, they are referred to the State Medical Examiner.


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"... The short position in GLD increased by 7.89 percent...and now stands at 23.8 million shares, or 2.38 million ounces....and increase of 1.74 million shares.
"As of the end of November, SLV was owed over 596 tonnes of silver...and GLD was owed 74 tonnes of gold. If the shorts had to cover these positions by depositing the required amount of each metal in each ETF, the price of gold and silver would be much higher...especially silver.
"Since the metal wasn't available...or if it was, it wasn't available at current prices...the authorized participants shorted the shares rather than be forced to drive the price up by purchasing the silver and gold in the open market. ..."

subset: commoncrawl


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The laser from the mouse will heat up the chocolate inside of counterfeit coins, thus exposing the fakes and creating a mess.
And that's why Spain will never get to host the world Dreidel championships.
Not to mention the fact that they expelled us Jews in 1492...
My mouse has a laser diode.
Newer Mac mice are cybernetic, touch sensitive because it has a real piece of scrotum skin stretched over the surface.
Newer Mac mice are cybernetic, touch sensitive because it has a real piece of scrotum skin stretched over the surface.
Mmmm, my mouse has only one ball.
Mmmm, my mouse has only one ball.
I call Godwin!
- Hitler has only got one ball ;
Goering has two, but very small.
- Your mouse has only one ball.
- Therefore, your mouse is Hitler, and you've been a Hitler-massaging Nazi Party member for a significant time.
- Q.E.D. Civilised argument is over and we can get down to the rioting. Pass me the Molotov Cocktail.
No, you fool, the unlit one.
I read your comment and laughed hard enough to sneeze snot all over my lunch. Now I'm going to go get some chocolate to make it okay. Fortunately, it's not counterfeit.
A real mouse works for that too - they'll happily gnaw through the metallic shell to get at the tasty chocolate inside.
Geesh, can you get me a mouse that detects North Korean bogus US$100 bills?
Hey, it costs me only €1.80 to produce each one. You realise there's a recession going on, right?
Printing money is Mafia
Minting coins _and_ printing money is Maciavellian.
Just how much Gold and Silver is inside the gravity well of earth?
I think the economists/bankers/politcos are hiding something that makes a big crashing noise in the Dark.
I don't know about €2 coins, but loads of £1 coins are counterfeit -- perhaps 5% [greenend.org.uk]. The €2 (and 1) are bi-metallic though, so presumably harder to fake.
Under UK law (as that page explains), once you know a coin is counterfeit it's illegal to give it to anyone (except the police) or to keep it. Daft, but it means it's in my interest not to identify counterfeits. (Unless, possibly, I checked every time I was given change. But that's not realistic.)
This guy [thisislondon.co.uk] earnt £300000/year, and 5 years in jail.
In what ways does it defer, if any, from the techniques used in vending machines?
If it's better, patent and sell to vending companies? Yeah... patents are evil; but maybe a novel application of an existing technology isn't so evil in this case--provided it really is novel and not just a poor-man's vending machine detector, in which case the vending machine companies may already have a patent on it...
I've got a great algorithm for scanning notes with the sensor from an optical mouse; the only thing I can't figure out is how to make sure the mouse knows where it is on the paper...
Actually, you know accurately movement, you're just missing a starting point.
So the simple answer is to assume a square piece of paper whose edge is 2 bills wide - and start at the center. Then you can scan in any bill, regardless of whether it was portrait, landscape, or what corner they started scanning at. Assume that's your
Vending machines rely on mechanical factors, mostly: Weight, size, metallic composition (measured by conductivity characteristics).
This one seems to focus on the graphics on the faces. It's complementary.
"It's complementary"
'What a lovely counterfeit'?
Complement: to make complete.
Compliment: to tell a falsehood.
I don't know where you learned the meaning of compliment, but I am in awe.
Stop lying.
If you're going to go grammar nazi on him you should have picked "defer" instead.
Correct, he meant "differ". If I were being a grammar Nazi I'd ding him on "For all intensive purposes" in his sig, too, which should be "For all intents and purposes."
Fortunately I'm not being a grammar Nazi tonight so I won't mention either of those.
Vending machines rely on mechanical factors, mostly: Weight, size, metallic composition (measured by conductivity characteristics).
This one seems to focus on the graphics on the faces. It's complementary.
And magnetic, don't forget magnetic characteristics. Also for size, don't forget to separately include thickness, diameter, and shape.
Vending machine detectors are usually just magnets (at least in the US). Very few countries make their coins with enough iron, nickel, or cobalt to be magnetic, so a magnet can pick out most slugs (the usual form of counterfeiting used on vending machines). I know; I own vending machines.
Also, it's OT, but your sig annoys the crap out of me. I use whom correctly all the time, "intensive purposes" is retarded. Begging the question, though, seems to have actually changed meanings over the years, so, being a descriptivist, I'll give you that one.
My understanding was that the coin falls into a balanced cradle that measures the diameter and weight. If it's the wrong size it is rejected (and can fall through to another cradle that tests for a different value coin---and so on). If it is the right size but the wrong weight the cradle tips too far or not far enough and deposits it in the reject slot.
If it's the right size and weight then the coin drops between two magnets onto a little anvil. If the metallic composition is right the coin will slow just enough passing through the magnets to hit the anvil at the right place and speed to bounce into the accept slot. Anything else and it misses.
The end result is a very quick, accurate but cheap analysis of the coin's weight, size and metallic composition.
I know that's the way it used to work. Have they dumbed down the machines recently?
I once was present (1990s) when a colleague dropped a silver quarter into a vending machine. I immediately recognized the sound as the quarter was tossed into the rejected coin bin and traded it for a clad quarter.
Unfortunately my modest collection of silver coins and a few silver certificates was stolen. What's really irritating is the thieves probably didn't even recognize their value, and I expect just spent them as cash.
Then again perhaps I should be glad they didn't profit more than they did, and event
I couldn't see how "just magnets" (as described in the comment I replied to) would work if only because there needs to be some way to sort by coin type. Every vending machine I use figures out the value of the coins I've fed it.
I know that's the way it used to work. Have they dumbed down the machines recently?
yes, as a result of the 'no vending machine left behind' policy, all vending machines now house a child left behind by the no child left behind policy, who bites each coin between his teeth to test its authenticity.
Vending machine detectors are usually just magnets (at least in the US). Very few countries make their coins with enough iron, nickel, or cobalt to be magnetic
Now all the British machines that don't accept 1p or 2p coins make sense! Thanks. (These coins are copper plated steel.)
the usual form of counterfeiting used on vending machines
Before the introduction of the Euro replaced 16 different sets of coins with one, a popular method in Europe was to put a low value foreign coins in a machine that recognised it as a higher value. IIRC old British 5p coins would be recognised in Germany as 1DM.
Also, it's OT, but your sig annoys the crap out of me. I use whom correctly all the time, "intensive purposes" is retarded. Begging the question, though,
A successful sig, I believe. You do know it was a deliberate troll, don't you? Or perhaps just a gentle stir (don't mod him down for that folks, it's humour). People who can't recognise the humour of deliberate mistakes have never read a book to a child (oh, the glee with which they correct you!) and that's a situation for whomever up with which I can certainly put.
For all intensive purposes, "whom" is no longer a word. That begs the question, "who cares?"
"intensive purposes" is retarded
Perhaps the poster was going for "for all intents and purposes"?
If so, ouch.
I think you need to recalibrate your humour/sarcasm detector on the subject of the parent poster's sig. It's obvious it's a joke.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the teller of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Patents are good, software patents are evil (and invalid in the EU)! This is mostly software so they can bottle up the code and sell it, but if the hardware is interesting enough (it;s not really using a standard mouse), they could patent that.
It's not "for all intensive purposes". It's "for all ant, ents, and porpoises." Get it right next time, OK?
Did you know that there are more than 260 different euro coins from 19 countries to present day!
Let us imagine creating an obviously fake denomination, say the 2.50 Euro coin, and try seeing if anyone will call them on it.
We could make all sorts of fake (Not counterfeit) coins each one of "logical" but otherwise bogus coins, and start using them.
Of course, one would have to NOT actually complete the purchase with those coins or be subject to arrest for fraud (or similar charges).
Some one did something similar in the states several years ago. They made $200 bill with President Bush's portrait and bought some ice cream at dairy queen accepting the change. Don't know if they were ever found but this person was http://money.cnn.com/2004/09/02/news/funny/200_bill/ and I found several other stories while finding that link so yes people would accept them, unless your average cashier in Europe is smarter than over here. Admittedly not a difficult task. On the other side of the coin w
The only denominations for Euro coins are €0.01, 0.02, 0.05, 0.1, 0.2, 0.5, 1 and 2 -- eight different coins. All e.g. €1 coins look the same on one side (a map of Europe), but have different national sides -- an eagle for Germany, a harp for Ireland, etc.
Just leave them on the sidewalk. Someone will pick it up and either get a laugh, or be the laugh.
Every year here in Canada we mint a 50-cent coin. I almost never see one outside of a collector's set, however. In fact, it's so unusual to see one in circulation I've seen cashiers refuse to believe they are real money.
Ironically, US coins are widely accepted in Canada. There are so many US pennies in any random pile of "Canadian" pennies that no one could be bothered to sort them out.
Also, although US dollars trade for more than Canadian dollars, it's not possible to obtain an exchange rate for coinage. T
Ironically, US coins are widely accepted in Canada.
Whats ironic about it?
We have a coin of our own that is not always accepted, whereas we readily accept US (foreign) coins.
You don't see the irony in that?
Ironically, US coins are widely accepted in Canada.
Whats ironic about it?
That Canadian legal tender is refused by cashiers (i.e. the 50-cent coin), yet foreign coins are accepted.
Each state just changes the picture of the coins (except 1€ coin)
1€ coins also have different "picture" (i.e., national) sides: http://www.ecb.int/euro/coins/1euro/html/index.en.html [ecb.int]
Well, the original members (plus maybe one or two others) produced a set of 8 coins each. Then after the EU expanded, eventually the common design was changed to not only show EU, but all of Europe on the 10c, 20c, 50c, E1 and E2 coins. Some of the newest Eurozone members will only have minted these coins though (plus the 1c, 2c and 5c which haven't changed in common design). Also there are commemmorative E2 coins - e.g. Treaty of Rome coins of similar but individual design by each state, and then national
If you compare a counterfeit-coin-detecting expert with a purpose-built handheld device, the answer is pretty obvious.
Until the day the people who print counterfeit coins buy a purpose-built handheld device, of course, and there's no expert around to reprogram the device because he jumped off a bridge after losing his job.
That is why you would get busted. The most frequently counter fitted bills are the smaller denominations ones, fives, and tens. The reason people don't subject them to nearly the scrutiny. All and all there is not that much counterfeiting going on, and chances are if you accept a small bill there is very little change tendered so you are only out the inventory. If you accept a large bill like a 50 or a 100 you stand to loose quite a bit; you probably give not only your inventory but tender real currency
That is why you would get busted. The most frequently counter fitted bills are the smaller denominations ones, fives, and tens. The reason people don't subject them to nearly the scrutiny. All and all there is not that much counterfeiting going on, and chances are if you accept a small bill there is very little change tendered so you are only out the inventory. If you accept a large bill like a 50 or a 100 you stand to loose quite a bit; you probably give not only your inventory but tender real currency as change; so even though those are fakes less often they get looked at more.
Actually, the most counterfeited bill is the $20; probably because it is the highest denomination in common circulation. The $100 is the next.
Counterfeit $100s can be identified by the absence of cocaine residue.:)
Sure would be nice to see this for US paper currency. Many cash registers are PC based at the motherboard level, and could support an optical mouse just fine. What a great bit of Open Source software it would be to create and release a program people could run in business, etc.
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. -- Thomas Tusser


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GEORGETOWN, Ky. (WKYT) - It's a Texas case that has ties right here in the Bluegrass. A mother arrested after police say her neglect of her three children lead to the death of one and the severe medical conditions of two others.
Today, a twist in the case as police in Abilene, Texas now say the Child Protective Services office may have tampered with evidence in the case against Tiffany Klapheke.
"Right now, we are investigating the specific occurrences associated with the Klapheke investigation, of which we became concerned with in the hours following this child's death," stated Police Chief Stan Standridge.
Police also stated in the press conference that records requested for the Klapheke case were never delivered until a district attorney made a follow up request from a district attorney. Even more, investigators believe the records were incomplete and maybe even tampered with.
Abilene police also said that the case is not with case workers, but with several CPS supervisors who police say may have told employees not to cooperate with the police investigation.
Chief Standridge also said this may not be the only case, "At this point, it's too early to say how long this may have been occurring."
The Houston Chronicle newspaper also reported that CPS closed the case without making a final home visit to Klapheke. The case was reportedly closed just six days before 22-month-old Tamryn died.
"To find out that six days earlier, someone could've gone out there and Tamryn would still be alive is just devastating to me," said Tina Romano, Klapheke's adopted mother.
Romano says she was aware her daughter was having trouble and even made a referral to CPS, herself.
"I believe 100% that had they gone out there, that Tiffany's issues and the children not being cared for would have been obvious."
The Romanos also say that CPS didn't make a visit in nearly a year's time to check on their daughter and grandchildren.
"They just need to do their jobs. Don't be incompetent about it just do what you're supposed to do," stated Scott Romano, Klapheke's step-father.
For this Georgetown couple, the two months since Klapheke's arrest have been hard and this wrinkle in the case only re-opens the wounds.
"It's day-to-day that we struggle with missing our granddaughter and worrying about our other granddaughters," explained Scott Romano, who said the two other girls are doing well and still in foster care.
Police say they have not made any arrests at this time, and the investigation is ongoing.
Parents of Abilene mother disgusted by CPS allegation.


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For most of his life, Frank W. "Bill" Stamos didn't, or couldn't, talk about his time in the Navy during the Korean War. Especially the firefight at Hungnam.
For most of his life, Frank W. "Bill" Stamos didn't, or couldn't, talk about his time in the Navy during the Korean War. Especially the firefight at Hungnam.
Nov., 11, 1951. He was serving aboard the frigate USS Gloucester, a 303-foot gunboat patrolling the coast of North Korea and bombing coastal installations with three 3-inch main batteries "up close and personal" - from about a quarter-mile away.
"Our shell hit and exploded, and then we had a direct hit on an ammo dump," Stamos recalled. "Then all hell broke loose."
Another sailor said, " 'Do you see all the fish jumping in the water?' And I said, 'We're under fire!' "
As shells exploded around the ship, Stamos ran to his battle station. The general quarters alarm sounded. He swiveled a 20 mm gun toward the black rocks of the mountainous Hungnam shore and fired at fiery points of light that indicated shore batteries.
"Then, when that spark went out, I looked for another spark," Stamos remembered.
Or the phone talker would receive targeting orders from the bridge and yell in his ear: "140 degrees! 200 yards!"
After firing two 60-round clips, "The barrels would get cherry red, and the guy, the loader, wore asbestos gloves, he'd replace the barrel," dunking the glowing one into a tube of water there in the gun tub.
The North Korean batteries included some 4.9-inch guns, big guns that could punch a hole in a ship, causing death and destruction. Air bursts rained shrapnel.
"I was scared," Stamos said. "I was always leaning on the trigger. I didn't care what I was shooting at."
It was Stamos' first battle. He was 19. His regular duty was first class machinist mate. He'd joined the Navy because "There was a war on. And my family participates."
He followed in the footsteps of his two brothers.
"After I got there, I said, 'What have I done?' You know, we were macho."
He heard and felt the direct hit. A Korean shell hit the fantail. The ship zigzagged out of range at flank speed. An officer stormed down from the bridge and barked at him to stop firing. The engagement ended.
Sonar recorded hundreds of near-misses.
Stamos went aft to view the damage.
The shell had hit the aft 20 mm gun tub. The explosion killed one man and maimed 11. Stamos saw arms and legs blown off. He knew all of the casualties personally.
"We were all brothers," he said.
The horror sickened and terrified him. It didn't help that the U.S. government didn't even classify the Korean conflict as a war, that the war for years seemed denied due honor.
"I buried all this inside me," Stamos said.
After a six-year hitch, he came home to Lodi. He married, worked as a machinist and built up a business importing foreign auto parts and machines. He raised two kids. He reached retirement age in the late 1980s.
He turned 81.
A letter arrived - from the president of South Korea, Park Geun-hye. "Wow," Stamos said. "The president of South Korea."
The letter invited Stamos to be one of a handful of U.S. veterans to fly to Seoul and stay for a week at Korea's expense. And to receive the Ambassador for Peace Medal.
His wife was afraid to go. "She said, 'I'm not going to be in South Korea when that madman (North Korea's bellicose leader, Kim Jong-un) shoots missiles."
But he went, though with some reserve. He had received the Presidential Citation for his later service in the Navy. But Ambassador for Peace?
"I said, 'I don't deserve that. We went there to intimidate, to kill and to break things,'" Stamos said.
But a funny thing happened in Seoul. "They treated us like royalty." At the awards ceremony, he was seated between a Korean general and the Italian ambassador.
"I told them, 'I'm just an enlisted man, an E6. I'm honored to dine with such dignitaries.' And they said, 'No, we're honored to dine with you.' "
There were tours of the city, military ceremonies, dinners. In between, he encountered regular Seoul residents. And, lo and behold, the Korean War was not invisible to them. Many see it as the foundation of their freedom and prosperity.
"They stop you in the streets. The see that Korean war vet and they say, 'Thank you for saving our country.' I was moved."
He's back home now. Changed. "Even now, I get emotional. It seems like a different life. It isn't real. But I can talk about it now. The South Korean people healed me."
Contact columnist Michael Fitzgerald at (209) 546-8270 or email@example.com. Visit his blog at recordnet.com/fitzgeraldblog.


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It is $3.12/gal in Big Spring (where we have a refinery ) and down the road about 90 miles east in Tye (near Abilene) it was $2.95 on 12/23.My sister in San Antonio has gotten it as cheap as $2.88 at a cheap place she knows, but usually about 2.90 or 2.92
$3.35 this morning in my area of Maryland.
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DeKALB – The right combination of managers and investors will have to come together in the next six weeks to keep the music playing at The House Cafe.
The owner of the cafe, which also serves as an art and music venue, is leaving the business for personal reasons, according to Fareed Haque, who owns the building at 263 E. Lincoln Highway in DeKalb. The House Cafe has leased space there for the past 12 years.
Haque said The House Cafe owner Jan Pascolini has decided not to renew her lease, which expires Nov. 1. He stressed that the cafe is financially sound, even thriving.
"This is a successful business," Haque said. "The House has not had any financial problems whatsoever. Jan has been a model tenant, but there are some changes in her life and she is not renewing her lease."
Attempts to reach Pascolini at the cafe late this week were not successful.
Haque said "a number of parties" have shown interest in taking over The House, but are seeking financial backing. He is hopeful that investors interested in owning a piece of the business might step forward to finance a potential owner.
Haque said some people have approached him with "radically different" ideas for the space. Those options are still on the table, but he would like to see The House Cafe continue.
He said it offers a place for teens and young adults to hang out, and serves as a link between Northern Illinois University and the DeKalb community.
"The business is successful and has never had a problem meeting its expenses," he said. "I would certainly like to find someone to keep it going and hopefully take it to the next level."
Haque added that if potential investors contact him he can connect them with people looking for financial backing to buy the business.


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Nicole Harris has become quite the crack shot and has a state division title in trap shooting to show for it. Harris, 20, of Yreka, first started trap shooting when she was 16, along with her father, Richard, and younger brother, Nolan, at the Yreka Clay Bird Club. At first, Nicole recalled that it was a challenge to aim, fire and shoot at a fast-moving target. The second time she took part, she did not hit a single target and had a score of zero. But through hard work and dedication she persevered and has steadily improved. On Memorial Day weekend, Harris took 1st in the high lady division at the 2013 California State Trap Shooting Association State Shoot near Lincoln against top competitors from throughout the state. She had a total score of 195 points during the two-day event to earn the title. Her score was one of her best finishes and to accomplish this feat at a state event made it that much more special, Harris said. "It was really a blessing to have it all come together at one event," she said. For Nicole, while it's great to perform well at events, for her, it's about reaching personal goals. "I'm kind of competitive, but for me it's about being competitive with myself," Harris said. "You have goals you want to reach." Trap shooting attempts to mimic hunting a wild bird, so the challenge is the shooter never knows which direction the target will go. Targets are shot between 48 and 52 yards away, as the shooter attempts to aim and fire as quickly as they can as they try to hit the moving target before it hits the ground. Richard Harris said his daughter's determination and hard work to become an excellent shooter has paid off. The key, he said, is that Nicole loves to be out trap shooting no matter how she does. "She has rough days but regardless, she is always having fun," he said. "It's like golf, there's going to be ups and downs for everyone." Nicole Harris concurred those sentiments. "You still have your ups and downs," she said. "You think you got it down and you go into a slump." Her family has enjoyed hunting for years and Nicole honed her skills in the woods with her family hunting game from birds to deer. "It got me to be comfortable with guns," she said. During a recent practice at the Yreka Clay Birds Club, her entire family was there in support as Nicole went out and practiced her trap shooting skills, laughing and joking with her mom, dad and brother before going out to the range to shoot. Richard Harris said that he enjoys trap shooting with his daughter and said it's nice to have something they both enjoy taking part in together. "We're always laughing and teasing each other," he said. Nicole said that it's nice to have her dad being a fellow trap shooter and said the sport has become another way for her family to spend time together. "We just get along well and are always laugh together," she said, "We're here to help each other." While Nolan does not currently shoot, he is at a number of his sister and dad's events. Nicole said that another huge contributor is her mom, Christine. Harris said that her mother is at many events and practices as possible in support of her family and does anything she can to help, such as having meals ready for them. In July, Nicole plans to take part in a Pacific International Trap Shooting Association event in Washington state that features top shooters from around the western United Sates and parts of Canada. "I want to do my best and have fun," she said. For more information on shooting at the Yreka Clay Bird Club, go to http://shootpita.com/clubs/yreka.
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Welcome to Jim Drake's music blog project for 2011!
Listen to Jim Drake's local music show on Hood River's Radio Tierra, 95.1 FM, with a new show every other Thursday, starting March 3, at 6:30 p.m.
Each show is about an hour.
Some shows may be repeated the following week, but I should have 2-3 new programs a month.
Eventually, I hope to have shows archived on the web for podcast download on the Radio Tierra website. http://radiotierra.org/
The show will feature music from my personal collection (and believe me, I've got a lot of CDs) of bands from right here in the Gorge. I'll also play bands that have stopped by to play for us over the years.
Tune in, and enjoy some songs from folks you probably know. Or, sit back and discover new music.
The show is always a fun, relaxed trip through the Gorge's musical archives.
Play List
Sam Hill (I Told You So)
Lincoln Crockett (Gone Away)
Victor Johnson (Mystery)
Onehum-Richard Tillinghast (Ghost Ship)
Hillstomp (Roustabout)
Nancy Cook (We're Only Dancing Tonight)
Stephanie Schneiderman (First Crack)
April Verch (Monarch)
Jack Straw (Potter's Creek)
Hit & Run Bluegrass Band (Home is Where I'll Ever Be)
Scotland Barr & the Slow Drags (Legionnaires' Disease)
Play List
The Gourds (Fossil Contender)
The Ultronz (Housesitter)
Clint Colbert (Outside My Window)
4th Plane Jaiant (Timing)
Kate Gaffney (What Kind of Man)
Eleven Eyes (Late Rent)
Blue Trick (We Don't Know)
John Bunzow (Straight Into the Sun)
The Cascade Trio (Bigfoot Lives!)
Joe Craven (In the Pines)
The Strange Tones (Lock Me Up)
Play List
The Mother Hips (White Falcon Fuzz)
New Monsoon (Copper Mine)
The Clumsy Lovers (Pigeon on the Gate)
Dave Carter/Tracy Grammer (Tillman County)
Eric John Kaiser (La Ruee Vers L'Or)
Mark Hummel (Nickles & Dimes)
Spruce Baugher (Hell & Gone)
Moe Dixon (Bright Side of the Blue)
Laddie Ray Melvin (Something True)
Casey Neill Trio (Okanogan County)
Django's Cadillac (Formosa Please)
Jackson Browne (Casino Nation)
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X-COM: UFO Defense came out in 1994 from one of my favorite game developers: Microprose. It was released with several alternate names in different countries such as the US, Europe (Enemy Unknown), and Japan (Michi Naru Shinryakusha). Im not a big combat strategy game fan, however, this old PC game was and still is one of my favorites.
X-COM stands for eXtraterrestrial COMbat. You are funded by all the major international powers, and depending on how well your performance is defending the people of earth against the invading force of aliens, you will see an increase or decrease of funds. You start the game with a base of operations at any location of your choosing, two fighter planes for aerial combat, a transport plane to deliver your soldiers, and a squad of soldiers aching to get in on the alien killing action. Your mission is simple, you must figure out where the alien threat is coming from, figure out how to get there, and destroy them.
Setting up your base on the global map is pretty simple, and it wont be long before your radars pick up alien activity. First youll send out your jet fighters to take down the alien. If you shoot down the craft over land it will be time for the next big part of the game, alien interception. Youll need to send out a squad of soldiers to take out whatever might be left from alien craft, and bring back any types of technology left. If victorious, your scientists back in the labs will be able to study the alien artifacts and bodies your soldiers collected. Once you understand their technology you will be able to use it.
By the end of the game, you will have studied their weaponry, armor, and propulsion systems and through intimidation of live aliens you have captured, you will be able to figure out where the enemy is and take the battle to them. If you do not defend the planet well enough, however, the governments of the world will sign secret pacts with the aliens and allow them free movement through their countries. The loss of finances from these countries will make it more difficult to study and build the technologies needed to defeat the rising alien threat. If you do not protect the countries well enough the aliens will eventually take over the planet. Game Over.
One of the best aspects of this game is that it is non-linear. There are no set missions, only objectives. However, the longer you take, the tougher the aliens get. Ground combat was my favorite aspect of the game. Although really tough at first, the combat is turn based involving multiple soldiers. Each soldier has unique stats that go up with combat experience making some soldiers better and faster than others. After you have studied the aliens technology, you will get better guns, flying armor, and mind control capabilities.
The graphics in X-COM are very good for its time. The sound however can be very poor. One of the games downfalls (even with a collectors edition that came out in 1998) is that the game is not compatible with windows XP. Several patches have been made however by the games huge fan base. No support for XP is offered at this time from Microprose.
X-COM: UFO Defense had two sequels: X-COM: Terror from the Deep and X-COM: Apocalypse. I will be writing a review for both of these titles in the coming weeks. For now, I hope you enjoy playing X-COM.
Buy X-COM Collecters Edition on Amazon.com
Buy X-COM: UFO Defense on Amazon.com


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Recently, while looking for available helps for Greek composition, I noticed that my copy of Dana and Mantey's intermediate grammar for NT Greek had some English to Greek exercises in the back and an English-Greek vocabulary list. I have in the past spent many profitable hours with this grammar, but have never tried the exercises, mainly because I did not have a key. When I was first learning Greek, all my exercises were Greek to English. In the last few months, however, I have been attempting to add Greek for communication to my repertoire, and have done some occasional posting in Greek on ΣΧΟΛΗ, as well as writing some emails and PMs in Greek. I hope to write some in Greek here also in the near future.
Does anybody here know of a source for an answer key for the English to Greek exercises in Dana and Mantey?
Ευχαριστω υμιν,


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The Thomas More Law Center has filed a motion for an en banc rehearing of the appeals court ruling dismissing their silly lawsuit against the federal government for the AIG bailout because a few of the hundreds of subsidiaries for the company market insurance to Muslims. The Worldnutdaily does their usual job of reprinting the press release without even an attempt to examine the arguments:
A battle against federal taxpayer subsidies for Shariah programs is being escalated to the full 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals after a three-judge panel of the court decided that a U.S. Marine had no right to challenge the government's financial support for Islamic law.
No, it isn't being escalated. They've filed a motion, which will almost certainly be denied. Then they'll "escalate" to filing a cert petition with the Supreme Court, which will also almost certainly be denied. Then they'll whine about it. And maybe pray about it. And nothing much else will happen.


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SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives
Husband filed D for "time stamp"
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Regrette posted 1/7/2014 21:16 PM
So..my H just found out about the A 20 days ago when I confessed all. He took a week away which was a scheduled business trip and came back saying he would file for D. Yet he has stayed in the house and maintained a good deal of friendliness and interaction with me, which would daily give me false hope. This hope would be put to rest when I'd descend into my basement apartment for the night and it became clear he wasn't changing his mind. (note: I chose to move out b/c our M was marked by his constant walling off and my fear of abandonment, and if HE moved out of the bedroom I would feel abandoned nightly. This way, I kind of feel like I'm just "on my own.")
So today we had MC session #2 and he announced he would file today. I hyperventilated and had a full blown panic attack in the counselors office ("Hi. Counselor, crazy lady here, nice to meet you and prejudice you right off the bat.") My H said the filing was a formality to "time stamp"'the marriage legally so that if we go forward and D in the future, he can claim (for alimony's sake) that the marriage ended when he found out about the infidelity. That the filing doesn't really decide the future of the relationship. Call me crazy but I find filing to D me is unforgivable. How can I go forward with this Sword of Damocles hanging over my head? The whole problem with the M in the first place was that I always felt that way.
I find this cold business move to be very indicative of the whole relationship, as it was, and also that he is wholly "over me" now. Yet he says he doesn't know...there may still be a future for us (without my prompting him to say it.)
I think he's just saying that so he can stay in the house, play happy families, get his ducks lined up in a row...Meanwhile, I am so gutted I can't function or even accept it's really happening-- I need him to leave and rip the bandaid off at once so I can start to move on (I keep slipping into denial that it's not over.) The MC was little help in this regard, as the focus on this first session (2 counsellors, 1 session each) was on the infidelity.
I'm in total despair and don't know how to act (civil, jovial? resolved, desperate) to maintain dignity. Anyone else deal with "I am leaving you but when I damn well please..?" And how stupid is it to hang onto hope?
gonnabe2016 posted 1/7/2014 21:25 PM
Call me crazy but I find filing to D me is unforgivable
Well, apparently he found you cheating on him unforgiveable.
littlefoggy posted 1/7/2014 21:33 PM
I had a panic attack my first session of MC, too. I don't think it phased my therapist one bit.
We all got our ducks in a row right away. Some states require longer waiting periods, so maybe he is just getting the clock started.
We looked for our STBXs to do the recovery and fix themselves ANYWAY. Despite the D.
We also look for the actions. We get a lot of words. Beautiful wonderful words followed by horrific actions.
Keep doing to do. Fix up yourself. And even if he does do the D... at least you are a better you... GL
jo2love posted 1/7/2014 21:33 PM
This thread has been moved to the WS forum. Please post accordingly.
Dreamboat posted 1/7/2014 21:42 PM
Call me crazy but I find filing to D me is unforgivable.
Gently, you had an LTA. You have known about your A for quite a while. Your BS just found about about your A and is reeling, but trying to hold it together. While I do not know this for a fact, if he is like 99% of BS's then that is exactly what he is doing. He filed for D because it is a solid thing that HE has control of. He has just been informed that he did not have control over his life for years. He is not being cold, he is hanging on by his fingernails.
The MC was little help in this regard, as the focus on this first session (2 counsellors, 1 session each) was on the infidelity.
Good. That is where the focus needs to be right now in order for your BS to heal. Your focus right now should be helping your BS to heal, regardless of whether you stay together or not.
I'm in total despair and don't know how to act
You need to act like a remorseful WS. You need to realize that for years you put your selfish desires over the needs of your family and your husband. You need to realize that you focused only on yourself during the A and that NOW it is time to NOT focus on yourself but rather to focus on your BS and helping him heal. If you are unable to do that then rip off the bandaid yourself and leave. But regardless of whether you leave or not, you need to also get into IC and figure out why your thought it was OK to cheat on a man when you are now terrified that he may actually leave you because you did cheat. You are freaking out right now because you are faced with the consequences of YOUR actions. You must have known, on some level, that if you cheated then and he found out then he would D you but you had an A anyway. You need to figure out why you made such self-destructive decisions.
I am sorry for giving you tough love, but I think you really need it. I do hope that you are able to heal and that your BS is able to heal and if that happens then you have a hope that your M will be able to heal.
Steppenwolf posted 1/7/2014 22:13 PM
Cold business move, huh? Sounds like resentment on your part, and possibly some lacking in the empathy department.
I know how you are feeling though. Hearing the D word and believing it was going to actually happen was the single most difficult epiphany that has ever smacked me in the face. But it was necessary. I wouldn't be working on my issues without it.
NOW it is time to NOT focus on yourself
I disagree with this. Now is exactly the time to focus on yourself. Now is not the time to focus on your desires, but your self needs fixing/healing whatever you want to call it. Meet and surpass the needs of your BS and focus on you. You can absolutely do both. One is action and one is reaction.
ItHappened2Me2 posted 1/7/2014 22:13 PM
No stop sign, so I hope this is ok.
Call me crazy but I find filing to D me is unforgivable.
You had a LTA and you find that him filing for D is unforgivable?
I've read a few of your other postings and you still seem to be in the mindset of the A was his fault.
I KNOW that no marriage is perfect and that both spouses contribute to the state of the marriage -- even the BS. And I "get" that you were very unhappy, but you made the CHOICE to cheat. You could have left him and filed for divorce yourself if the marriage was that bad. You could have dragged his ass to a MC BEFORE you had the affair. Instead, you CHOOSE to have an affair.
He is making a choice about his life now. Your affair may be a dealbreaker for him. It is for a lot of folks.
It sounds like you want grace and forgiveness from him and for him to make the changes to make you happy. But him filing for Divorce because you cheated is unforgivable to you?
Have you been to IC? You really don't have a choice on whether he files or not. Or whether
he can stay in the house, play happy families, get his ducks lined up in a row
He didn't have a choice about you cheating on him.
As others have said, if you are really remorseful (not regret -- not "omg, how terrible for ME"), there is still a chance to save your marriage. But you need to work on fixing you -- why did you make THIS choice. And work on helping to heal him. And it is HARD work. The result COULD be a saved marriage. But even if it doesn't save your marriage, you will be a better person for having done the work. And you will be a better mom to your girls for having done the work.
Good luck to you!
[This message edited by ItHappened2Me2 at 10:25 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]
astudentoflife posted 1/7/2014 23:36 PM
To be honest, from your description your husband sounds abusive. That doesn't justify your affair, but you can come to terms with that when you figure out what YOU want. This latest thing the "time stamp" sounds controlling and is indicative of his abusive nature.
You sound resentful and full of pain. I know it is hard to think of yourself when you have embarked on an affair. Some will tell you to work on his feelings, that is not always the correct course, I don't believe. A lot are people who have had affairs perpetrated on them and it is understandable. However, I believe you took the wrong course of action on the right feelings. You now must deal with the issues of remorse, guilt and self doubt your affair has produced for you and the decision whether or not this relationship is right for you and what you need to do about it.
Your BS just found about about your A and is reeling, but trying to hold it together.
I hear this, but Regrette's posts don't bear this out, on the face of it. He took a weeks business trip and came back with this idea. Perhaps Regrette is missing out details, but her husband has maintained a good deal of friendliness and interaction. This doesn't sound as if he is gutted to me. It seems he is using this to ratchet up his control of the situation. I would expect to hear he had lost weight, was questioning himself the whole trip "what did I do?", was calling everyday he was gone, asking where she was, who she was with and acting like someone who was actually hurt, instead of being friendly and interactive. Maybe this is just a wayward rewriting of history, I have no reason to believe that at this point.
Your focus right now should be helping your BS to heal, regardless of whether you stay together or not.
Why is that? On the face of it this man has abused Regrette emotionally for some time. Where is his responsibility to help her heal. Of course her A was wrong, you won't hear me say otherwise. But helping her abuser to heal? She owes him honesty, transparency, but we are in a different world where he has responsibility for his actions as well to help promote healing. Her A does not take away that fact. This is, on the face of it, a dysfunctional relationship which needs a lot of work from both sides.
I will put aside my opinion when I see her husband come and post directly and in line with Regrette and for Regrette to say that her statements about her marriage were made up and apologizes for misinforming us. We have one side of the story to go on.
I will never advocate for an affair under any circumstances. Nor will I simply overlook emotional, verbal or physical abusers getting a break from their responsibilities because someone had an A. They need to stand up and take responsibility for those, if they want to help heal a broken relationship.
They of course have every right to be angry, resentful and hurt by the A, and have a right to end the relationship in a non abusive manner, and I firmly believe the abused has every right to feel hurt and resentful of the abuse, and must find a way to reconcile the damage of their A and find peace and comfort for themselves, even if that means to end the relationship. But in this case to ask someone to focus on healing their abuser and to put their feelings on hold? I don't get that at all. I don't think that person that says that understands the dynamics of abuse to ask that.
Regrette posted 1/8/2014 00:40 AM
Wow astudentoflife thank you so much for that, you have no idea. I am 100% convinced my husband was emotionally abusive and it would be so hard to prove because it was subtle...statements, calm, cold, condescending statements, day in and day out about why this or that need/desire/request can't be met and the message was ALWAYS " you are unworthy." Plus scads and scads of neglect, and his idea of attention was micromanaging how I did stuff when he'd deign to spend time with me. I was horribly unhappy but I believe in MAKING marriage work. Crazy, I know. I just don't have the energy to go out and find/f*ckitup-with someone else. I'm not a romantic...
I don't believe in soul mates and I was the world's most pain-in-the-ass mistress, riddled with guilt & anxiety..I found MM simply b/c I wanted to not feel like a POS.
All this being, said, nothing gives me the excuse to in turn abuse my H. And as far as I'm concerned an A is abuse, on a par with repeatedly punching him in the d*ck, so I get it. I appreciate everyone's comments and the reality check. I need to fix myself and become a better person regardless and I can't control his outcome..it is his right to not forgive me.
I can't however work on healing the BS in my case, other than with honesty, though instead of healing it just...ended the family. He has shown me ZERO hurt. Studentoflife you SO ASTUTELY described what I did NOT get: no sense of insecurity or sexual jealousy or anything. Just a cold, expedient focus on the paperwork and contractual concerns of our M, with " I'm hurt" or "I'm angry" thrown in as explanations for the definitive, surgical action. If anything he has told me " I could've faked this marriage but not you."
My confession upset the status quo. That's what I wanted--thought it would drive everything to a deeper, richer place. Instead it's just gonna give my girls a Daddy that doesn't live at home.
DixieD posted 1/8/2014 01:21 AM
Sounds like your husband has detached to protect himself. Not all BS behave the same after dday. For some it is an immediate deal breaker, especially if the marriage was not good pre-dday. Or they reserve the right to decide, such as the advice here, to give it 6 months and look at the actions of the WS. Personally, I think while he was away he got some sound legal advice to time stamp the D now due to infidelity.
Regrette, I think you purposely tossed a grenade into your marriage hoping to get the outcome you wanted (you admitted that). But you don't get to control this outcome. It was a very passive aggressive act to have what you called a revenge affair because you felt neglected.
And if I understand what you are saying correctly, you are now upset that you didn't crush your husband by having an affair? You want to see his pain. You are right, what you did was abusive. Purposely hoping to cause pain to someone with your actions.
He's said he is hurt and angry. Just because he's not a sobbing snotty mess on the floor doesn't necessarily mean it's not affecting him. A guy who doesn't sound like he's in touch with his emotions to begin with, what's he suppose to look like? There is no script for this.
But in this case to ask someone to focus on healing their abuser and to put their feelings on hold? I don't get that at all. I don't think that person that says that understands the dynamics of abuse to ask that.
Let's go with that idea for a minute;
Maybe now your husband feels like he's been abused by you having an affair, especially if you told him what you said here....that you had an affair ON PURPOSE! So, now you are the abuser in this situation and you are asking HIM to focus on you and put his feelings aside and 'invite you back if he wants you'. There is some seriously flawed thinking there. And, what if your husband is abusive -- when is this tit-for-tat stuff going to end?
You're A has to be dealt with first because it's what blew your marriage apart. You lit the fuse and the bomb went off. Anything about your marriage prior to that bomb takes a back seat. Even if your marriage may be over, and you have no control over that, you still have a giant mess to clean up.
I'm sorry your family is in turmoil.
majortom87 posted 1/8/2014 03:11 AM
Well, everything is abuse nowadays, isn't it? And a BS on a Dday can't react in any way that isn't abuse, ain't that convenient? If the BS screams and shouts and call names, abuse, the A was justified all along. If the BS remains in control of his/her feelings, she/he was neglecting and distant, subtle abusing and the A was justified all along. Isn't this a wonderful world to f*ck around? They need to man/woman up and suck it up, right fellas? You need to tell your husband to move on already, god d@mn it! "It's been like two hours since I told you I've been cheating on you! How much time do you need, you crybaby?"
I'm both a BS that became a WS so I know about not reacting well to this kind of news and let me tell you, your attitude is not what it's needed to move forward. To be honest, because I think the best thing for you right now is to read the truth, if your natural reaction to his not spending much time around you is to have an affair, you had the divorce coming. A little bit of begging and asking for forgiveness is required, but that's doesn't grant you automatic reconciliation rights at all. You can be the most apologetic WS in the world and the infidelity still be a dealbreaker. I don't know about your situation but reading you, if I was to choose which one of you is abusing the other, you would be my bet by far.
Sorry to be harsh, I know you're suffering enough as it is, but I can't stand people giving you validation to your wrong choices right now. It's like giving drugs to a quiting junkie, I hope you understand.
Catwoman posted 1/8/2014 04:41 AM
You made choices (both moving away from the marital bed/life and having an affair) and he was supposed to pursue you and make it all better for you?
That's a rather self-centered script, is it not? Do you normally deal with emotional issues by running and hoping to be pursued? If so, this is definitely something you need to address to be a healthy person for the balance of your life--whether or not that life includes your spouse.
Frankly, I think your BS did the right thing by seeking legal advice, and if in your state he would have an advantage by filing to "timestamp" the sequence of events, well, he wouldn't have needed to have that timestamp had the events not existed, correct? I don't see it as controlling or abusive AT ALL. At the end of the day, ending a marriage is wholly a business arrangement (that is how the court sees it) and he has made a move to ensure that the has the advantage entitled to him because of your choices. Cold? Not necessarily. Lawyers cannot deal in emotions--they deal in facts. And personally I think he got some good legal advice that he took. This does not mean it is calculated or mean-spirited.
I know plenty of people who have lived in emotionally abusive relationships who do not have affairs. Continuing to avoid the obvious and blaming your BS for your sequence of very self-centered choices is going to continue to retard your healing. You had other choices you did not take, such as sitting him down and telling him of your concerns and offering to go to MC with him. Why wasn't this a course of action? Or you could have filed for divorce and left if it was that unbearable and he wouldn't change. But you chose the affair and to move out (figuratively, if not literally) of the marriage.
With regards to him not "appearing" like a hurt person, I would have to wonder if he can even feel safe expressing his emotions to you. You have blown his world apart--perhaps he feels that he cannot (for good reason) emotionally invest or be vulnerable to you. So he slaps a coping face on it and moves forward. Sometimes a BS has no choice but to do this.
If you want your marriage, you are going to have to take concrete steps to show him that this is what you want. This includes MC and probably IC for you. Is there currently NC with the MM? If not, that should be the first order of business.
I don't see a lot of hope for your situation unless you stop blaming him for your choices and start realizing that running away from him and hoping he pursues you is a very childish way to deal with marital issues. It is okay to ask for what we want in a relationship. However, right now, your relationship is very delicate. Asking for something for you when you have "overdrawn" your trust and love with your BS is over the top.
What does the MC see in all of this?
Prayingforhope posted 1/8/2014 04:53 AM
I would be curious if there are kids involved here, because being a WS that was in an LTA, the initial reaction from me BS was also "divorce".
It's too overwhelming and I understand that. A one night stand is overwhelming in terms of betrayal, but an LTA must be like an ocean of pain on top of an earthquake of betrayal. I'm watching my BS go through this daily (well, on the days she will see me) and it's horrible, indescribable and certainly UNFORGIVABLE, which she has reminded me 100 times since DDay.
And then there are the kids which complicate everything. No kids the equation looks pretty easy (I think). I hurt her beyond all reasonable doubt and to protect herself now and in the future, she would leave me. But then you get into the family aspect - do we REALLY want to raise children across two households through a nasty, horrendous divorce process. I'm from divorced parents, and without having to read any of the reams of research on how traumatizing it is for children, I lived it. There is no worse memory in my life than my parents divorce.
So now the equation gets really messy, because instead of an "eye for an eye" there are other things to think about - those lovely kids. And then you begin to wonder what is the better path, a divorce? the potential of R? the ability to forgive? etc.
Net, net, no kids and my BS would have filed for D the week after dday. With kids she may still eventually decide on D, but it becomes a MUCH bigger decision.
Good luck with your process. There is some great feedback here, none more important than NOW is the time to wake up, take responsibility for what you have done to your spouse and decide if you're capable of understanding their pain, finding empathy and doing everything possible to help them through their pain and trauma.
WalkinOnEggshelz posted 1/8/2014 07:21 AM
I am curious. You have been given quite a bit of sound advice and plenty to think about from experienced members here, however the only responses you have given are to those that are validating your current thought process. And sadly I believe one of the posters you have related to has been banned from the site. Probably not the healthiest person to get sympathy from.
I can tell you from experience that as a wayward, my perception of a situation has not always been the reality. I have had to step back and look at things from all angles. If you do anything, I hope that you ponder a bit some if the advice you have been given here, even if you don't like it.
The members here have all been there done that. They speak from experience. And I get that hearing the truth sucks. So if you want to fix the things are broken within you please stick around and do the hard work. If you are looking for sympathy and comradery and validation I'm afraid you will get more of that from your girlfriends over a bottle of wine.
Honestly, I hope you have what it takes to stick around. There is a lot of work to be done. And again, I can say from experience that it is worth it.
astudentoflife posted 1/8/2014 07:33 AM
Well, everything is abuse nowadays, isn't it?
No it isn't and no one said it was. What Regrette described is emotional abuse. All the things she described as her husbands actions PRIOR to the affair scream emotional abuse and control to me. Perhaps in your life these things are acceptable, not to me at any rate. I have been there and am still working on my abuse issues and talk to a very good professional who knows abuse inside and out.
From his lips would come the following advice for Regrette. Yes, you made poor choices and you owe your husband honesty and transparency. You owe it to yourself and to your husband not to make this same choice again. How can you help him heal if he as put a wall between both of you? Abuse negates love and affection. That is the consequences of his poor CHOICE to emotionally abuse you. There is a lot of blame to throw around here.
At the end of the day, seek a professional to help you through this, rather than seeking out "help" from an AP. Work on you, your self esteem, because if this is an emotionally abusive relationship, there probably is not a lot of that right now. Your husband either will or won't address his abuse issues and it is your right to decide to stay or leave depending on that.
From an infidelity standpoint, I am not siding with you. What you did was dead wrong. There were many many other choices for you, including the one I just pointed out.
To those whom I sense some anger from in this post towards my posts. I am sorry that you feel that way. I have only read Regrettes story and must take it at face value, just like every other post on this board. Emotional abuse is real. It is damaging, every bit as much as an affair. I've read Regrettes previous posts and on the face of it she is emotionally abused. I have seen what it has done to my wife, thank goodness she decided not to have an affair. I have see the damage that it has done to her and I have compassion for anyone else subject to it. I certainly don't think I have given Regrette a pass on her behavior. Emotional abuse doesn't equal the right to infidelity. It also doesn't equal that he is hurt so she must help him heal. That is an impossibel thing to ask of an abuse victim. He made choices as well and must deal with the outcomes of those choices.
Ideally they will both work on their own issues and develop a healthy marriage.
The points made about her blame shifting and her choices are valid as well, and Regrette can make up her own mind about them if they do apply. Because at the end of the day we are responding to what is written and is as valid as what is written.
Althea posted 1/8/2014 07:40 AM
Regrette, your BH sounds like a controlling, emotionally, unavailable man. There is a book called the Emotionally Unavailable Man that I think will help you.
Now I'm going to be real. You are playing games, and acting out like a spoiled teenager. You used the A to get attention, and now you are unhappy because it blew up in your face. Ummm, what? As others have said, there is no textbook reaction to finding out about an affair. I told my WH that he could have the OW and packed up my kids and left. It doesn't mean that I didn't love him or wasn't destroyed by what he did. It means that self preservation told me to get as far away from this man as I could.
Get into IC. Figure out why you are so insecure. Why you stayed with a man who sounds like he ignored you and didn't give you the love, affection, and attention you desired. I read in one of the millions of self help books I read after Dday that we each end up with partner who are on par with us in the emotional health department. If you imagine each of us has a number from 1-100 an 80 would be attracted to an 80, and 20 to a 20 and so on. If you are an 80 and you are with a 20, the relationship won't last. Think hard about this. You may not be controlling, or emotionally distant; but there is something in you that made you want to stay with someone who was. Start working on that, and stop focusing on all of his shortcomings. You can't control his reaction or whether he files for divorce, but you can make yourself a better person and a better parent.
majortom87 posted 1/8/2014 07:59 AM
I do feel anger when I read your post. I think this kind of things minimize what abuse really is. See, I come from a really abusive environment. Not the "he would never take me out to dinner, I'm such a victim!!" or the "ten years she had me without a BJ, how much would I take?", no. The "putting out cigarettes in your arm" kind of abuse. I've seen the real emotional abuse and I know what it is to be afraid of the people you're supposed to love. What Regrette has described IS NOT abuse. It's not a good way to treat your spouse and I would have never taken any of it (maybe because of my issues, mind you), but if that's abuse, having an affair is abuse too and much worse. To make things worse, she doesn't sound like an abused person either. She sound entitled and self-centered, precisely the way an abused person tends not to be, in my experience. If she was sooo bad and dealing with sooo much pain, the divorce should be like a liberation to her. So, Regrette, why aren't you happy? Why aren't you celebrating the fact that you're being freed from that "awful" marriage? It sounds like if you liked to be abused, surely you can explain that to us.
No, I'm angry now and I've been angry for quite a long time reading these kind of forums. I feel like I am attacking you and I apologize, that's not what I want. It's just people use thing that, not being OK by any means, are NOT abuse, as an excuse to feel justified in their poor choices. I may be wrong, but I feel there is an industry of self-help books, therapists and cult-like support groups making a living out of offering the WSs easy ways (the way they liked it) to feel better about themselves, depecriating serious things along the way. Call it as you want but if that's bad, an affair it's in the same category and it's worse. And I'm saying this as a WS and a BS, no high ground here.
knightsbff posted 1/8/2014 08:04 AM
You really have received some good replies. Try to step back and listen. Think things through. Let it sink in.
Your post remind me of feelings and thoughts I struggled with before, during and after my A that I now know to be distorted.
Work on the abandonment in IC. Get your thoughts straightened out. Learn to love yourself (sometimes that means tough love) and you will then see how much you are capable of loving your spouse.
I understand that his filing feels like further abandonment but it was a sound move on his part. Don't focus on that. Focus on the fact that he is still there interacting with you. Use this opportunity to show him by your actions that you are working hard to be a person you both can love. I promise it will be worth it no matter what the outcome of your M. You need to get healthy and help him to heal regardless. You have children who will benefit from having two healthy, healing parents whether they are parenting in one household or two.
Where does this fear of abandonment stem from? That is something that needs looking into and faced.
Stop focusing on what he is doing and what he has done and focus on fixing yourself and supporting him through this trauma. The pre A marital issues will have to wait. The marital issues could turn out to be a deal breaker for either of you but you will not get a chance to see if they can be worked through if you don't handle things better now than you are.
I had myself convinced that my H didn't love me. I was never good enough. I felt judged all the time. I am so glad that I chose to do everything he needed me to so that he could give me a chance to R. I was wrong about how he saw me and we are now working on our martial issues. We love each other more than I ever thought possible and things continue to improve.
I wish you peace and strength to face the scary and tough things you will need to face to become healthy and happy.
Regrette posted 1/8/2014 08:05 AM
I want to address this: "well, everything is abuse now these days, isn't it?"
No, no it isn't. And I'm not under any obligation to suck it up or allow anyone to decide they're gonna minimize it for me: you don't know. My abuse is a fact that is not up for debate. It was constant, insidious and across all areas of the marriage. It can all be put under one umbrella: a lack of commitment on the part of my H. A flat- out REFUSAL to be a husband to me. The neglect was not just "wasn't around much" it was a willful determination to be as minimal in the relationship as possible so he could get the benefits of marriage w/o giving. He gave money. And now he taketh away. Makes perfect sense.
I regret my choices (nobody was a more guilt-addled AP than me) but I regret confessing more than anything. In my mind my H said: go get your needs met elsewhere (He even said as much,) and he is using the A as an excuse to have both feet out the door when all along he had one.
You're right...I threw a grenade into the M. If I didn't have kids I'd be glad I did it. But I think of their future and realize I should've just sucked up my M with grim determination and carried on in A's until the cows came home.
I've been betrayed in the past in relationships where I was deeply in love. I always questioned my true victim status. I always felt only half victimized and the other half of me just felt like I'd "lost" someone's interest. And that the reasons had to do with the RELATIONSHIP.
To say I could've sat him down and detailed my needs from the M is ridiculous. I approached him in a multitude of ways numerous times. I'm not crazy or needy. I wanted a NORMAL amount of love and intimacy and companionship. He WAS WITHOLDING meeting needs b/c that's the kind of M HE wanted...one where he got some needs met at home and most others outside the M.
There are consequences you say? The consequence of neglecting your spouse too much is that they will step outside the marriage. I don't really care if that is the "party line" here or not. It's not to be defiant it's just a fact.
I am not a narcissist, quite the contrary, and my confession was a desperate plea for authenticity. More than anything it seems my confessing upset the status quo and THAT is what enraged my H the most.
Another poster reminded me the M was bad to begin with so surviving the grenade is unlikely. I have to remember that: his reaction is totally the norm.
I do not lack empathy for my H, or need to see him "a snotty, snivelling mess." but I do need to see SOMETHING. Anything. I don't have tolerance for people who can't show their feelings. I think it all comes down to that. To me if you can't show feelings you don't get to have an adult romantic relationship; it's like it's own form of broken vow. You don't get to pass go or collect $200. It's game over for you from the start. Also true if you don't f$ck your spouse.
If you show me ANY vulnerability, I am a deeply empathetic person with a huge sense of responsibility and self-discipline. I am generally not boundariless. But I am disloyal.
I am also abusive. Because while wanting to step outside the M is NORMAL, actually having an LTA is abusive (the gaslighting alone is the abusive part.) That's on me.
Regrette posted 1/8/2014 08:19 AM
Thank you knightsbff, those are some very lovely words and really delivers the same message: I really have a lot of work to do and that's all I should focus on.
Ground control to Major Tom: it is very interesting that I anger you so, because, as a childhood abuse survivor at the hands of my narcissistic and violent mother, I learned pretty early on that I might just be one of those people who spends a lifetime courting abuse. I enrage people. I am a professional victim. I have often thought I might die at the hands of a murderer. These are paranoid thoughts, for sure, but it's what you live with. I am sorry for your cigarette burns but my scars are good enough for me. I understand your ire. Everybody hates a victim.
I have been in IC for 15 years. Only just started MC. Big mistake. Thank you all for your sound advice. If I truly want this I should work hard to clean up my end, otherwise I should be relieved it's over. Ain't nothing in between I suppose...
[This message edited by Regrette at 8:29 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]


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