text:
Well, that's that then. finished. exactum eam. fini. terminado. afgewerkt. fertig. criochmaithe. skonczone. acabado. fardiga. ferdig. gorffenedig. hotovy. lauk. done...
8 Oct 18
You may have noticed that Mrs May is trying to put a stop to my website. Several prominent people have come to my defence but to no avail. You can do your bit. If you think it's worth saving then e-mail your thoughts to ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; TOO LATE!!
Rhymin' Timin'
BREXIT comes but once ev'ry few years
good job too, considering the tears
looks like going to the wire
before they leave us in the mire
not saying no-one knows what to do
but the whole thing is a ******* to-do
Dave had the right idea of course
leaving Theresa to be pantomime horse
but she finds it all to be a pain
after all, she voted to Remain!
putting ambition before one's belief
is bound to mean one comes to grief
where this all leaves the common man
i'm not allowed to say; 'cos of ban
on talking 'bout just men, not women
add to that gay, trans, those slimming
black, Asian, muslims too
not to mention those erstwhile Sioux
so where does Brexit leave us all?
It's still too difficult to call
but no more jokes 'bout 350 mill
Boris just said that for a thrill
he may be "waiting in the wings"
but that's just what newspaper sings
the truth, as he rests in Pennines
is he's forgotten all his lines...
On a blind date with with a peat digger, the lady waited in vain for him to return after he said he had to go to the bog.
It's Edinburgh Festival time, and as usual, the 'papers are full of the best jokes, so I thought I would conjure some up of my own...
+ (ancient) History is guesswork written down.
+ I was feeling blue, so I watched the film Avatar.
+ A dyslexic woman walked into a bear...
+ MPs are like broken drawing pins: you can't pin them down
+ My wife and I share duties at home: she cooks and I eat; she cleans and I dirty; she goes out to work and I guard the house.
+ My wife said I should exercise more, so I rid her of all her evil spirits.
+ OK, so I haven't really got a wife, but those jokes would not have worked with my dog...
+ Ok, so I haven't got a dog either, but those jokes would have been even worse with my bike
+ A dyslexic man walked into a bra; he immediately knew he had boobed
+ Why did the hedgehog cross the road? Because hedgehogs can't use a footbridge.
+ MPs are like mud wrestling teams: it's difficult to tell whose side they are on
+ Why did the tall man and short woman get on so well? They could talk at length...
In his History paper, the student was asked to write about the 18th century soldier, Cornwallis. He started: "Cornwall is in the south west of England...
Never a dull Moment with Boris:
Boris fell down the stairs on his way to an interview with a newspaper reporter, banging his head badly at the bottom. He was stunned, and could only answer the reporter's questions by reciting Elvis songs...
Reporter: What was it like working as Foreign Sectretary?
Boris: ...if every day was like Christmas
Reporter: And what did you really say to Mrs May?
Boris: I'm leavin'...until it's time for you to go
Reporter: What did she say?
Boris: It won't seem like Christmas (without you)...
I want you, I need you, I love you... fool
Reporter: And what did you say to that?
Boris: It's now or never
Reporter: You have moved out of Carlton Gardens; where are you living now?
Boris: In the ghetto
Reporter: And how do you feel about the situation now?
Boris: All shook up
Reporter: So, ... have you spoken to Mrs May since?
Boris: (shaking his head) Gotta lotta livin' to do
Reporter: There's talk of you wanting her job...
Boris: I'm left, you're right, she's gone
Reporter: You're the Devil in disguise... sorry, couldn't miss that. Do you think Mrs May is aware?
Boris: Don't be cruel...your time hasn't come yet Baby...
I just can't help believing
Reporter: But you would like her job?
Boris: Always on my mind... if I can dream
Reporter: Well, we'd better leave it there, thanks
Boris: I've got a thing about you Baby...are you lonesome tonight?
Reporter: Well, I could meet you for a drink...where?
Boris: Heartbreak Hotel... let me be your teddy bear
Reporter: Calm down
Boris: You make me feel like dancing
Reporter: That wasn't Elvis!
Boris: No, sorry, Leo Sayer. My head is feeling better
A woman sent her husband to the supermarket to buy ingredients for a stew. After half an hour, he rang to say "I can't find a pulse anywhere", so she called an ambulance.
Happy(?) Holidays?
They've had their last asssembly now
partied like they don't know how
tidied desks, they did remember
not back until early September
brought gifts for Head of fudge and sweets
(she told them to in personal tweets)
Headmistress said 'there's no homework
maybe read the life of Alexander Selkirk
but don't forget 'bout Brexit though
and any ideas, then let me know'
'Oh yes Miss, I'll do as you say;
I'll send a text from St Tropez'
'and I'll send tweet from flat in Hove,
but don't expect a thing from Gove'
I don't suppose that Boris will
he's swallowed plenty bitter pill
and so the Politicians lie... on beach
and scoff on magnums, two pounds each
And if the country hits a crisis -
although unlikely to be ISIS -
we can at least be reassured:
Chancellor's in Norfolk Broads
Home Secretary – Norwegian fjord
Nigel has been made a Lord
Boris – put to the sword
Harry Kane, once more has scored
new Brexit plan is mighty flawed
the rest of us...? completely bored
The plumber told the lady " you need a new geyser" so she left her husband and found herself a new man.
Will soon be season - once again - to be folly:
The World Cup's done for four more years
that means there will be no more tears
at least until new season starts
then see your fav'rite team - like Hearts
there's bound to be some things we saw
like human pyramid when they score
or camera shots of luscious 'birds'
ok, no, probably just yobbo herds
and then there'll be the local derbies
and players falling like broken Barbies
but don't laugh when they roll about
he may have hiccups, wind or gout
there'll be no penalty shoot-outs though
they're not much fun in wind and snow
the refs, of course, will speak same lingo
they won't be coming from Santa Domingo
nor Honolulu, Greece, Peru
but more like Burnley or London Zoo
No VAR, no short film clip
ref to decide if dive or trip
and if he gets it wrong again
he can't exactly blame Sinn Fein
he's had three months to get eyes sorted
and out of ground he'll need escorted
and then the fans will let him know
... the football season's in full flow
An unemployed driver was given a small part in a film. He was told to drive fast down the road swerving from side to side, so he ending up making a career out of it.
Give us a Song...
To lighten the mood in the evening at the recent Cabinet meeting at Chequers, Theresa May asked each Member to sing a song. The title had to include the word "I" or "me". Voted the top ten were:
David Davis I surrender
Theresa May I believe in miracles
Liz Truss I don't believe in miracles
Andrea Leadsom Come go with me
Philip Hammond I can see clearly now
Gavin Williamson I don't want nobody (telling me what to do)
Liam Fox I won't back down
David Lidington I don't wanna lose you
Karen Bradley I'll come when you call
Sajid Javid Take a chance on me
A special prize for the worst:
Michael Gove I'm a little christmas cracker
A special prize for the funniest:
Boris Johnson I'm forever blowing bubbles
Special guest appearances:
Jacob Rees-Mogg Oh bury me not on the lone prarie
David Cameron Mama told me not to come
Jeremy Corbyn I'm gonna tear your playhouse down
Nicola Sturgeon I'm not gonna let you (get the best of me)
Donald Trump What's it all about? [Oh it has to have I or me in the title?
Well, everything has Me or I in it}
Overheard in the Pub
A bloke walks into a pub...
Bloke: What's all these flags for? Why is so busy?
Drinker1: It's the football! England are playing tonight!
Bloke: Playing what?
Drinker1 It's the World Cup!
Bloke Oh, not cricket again?
Drinker2 What? No, football. It's the Football World Cup! Where have you been?
Bloke Oh. So who's playing?
Drinker1 England and Belgium
Bloke I thought Belgium were in the EU, and we were leaving the EU, so why did England choose to play Belgium?
Drinker1 This is the WORLD Cup! We didn't choose to play Belgium, they are in our Group
Bloke What Group?
Drinker2 Group G. There are 32 teams, split into eight groups of four, and the top two go into the knockout rounds...
Bloke Knockout rounds!? That's boxing!
Drinker2 NO! In the Group stage you play the other three teams in your Group, so you can still lose and progress to the knockout rounds, where if you lose – you're out of the competition.
Bloke So did we "get out of our Group"?
Drinker2 Not yet, but we will after tonight's game, whether we win or lose
Bloke How come, if we lose...
Drinker1 Because we won our first two games, and that was enough. It's the same for Belgium.
Bloke So why bother playing?
Drinker1 Well, because we have to. Both teams will probably put lots of reserves in tonight. But it might be better if we lose anyway, then we get easier teams in the knockout.
Bloke I won't bother asking why that is. So is Messi Ronaldo playing for England tonight?
Drinker2 Messi Ronaldo!? You're 'avin a laugh? They are two different players and neither of them are English; or Belgian.
Bloke Well, I don't follow football. Much. I did read that in a game last month England must have been bad because they said that even the best player was dire.
Drinker1 That'll be … oh never mind. Why don't you join us at our table and we'll explain things as the game progresses...
Bloke Ok...
Drinker1 By the, way I'm Bob Jennings and this scabby Arsenal fan is Jim. What's your name?
Bloke Er... Wayne. Wayne Rooney.
Video Assistant Refereeing anyone?
VAR is being used at the World Cup Finals for the first time. There has been much discussion of what would have happened at previous World Cups had the system been in use; for example Maradona's "hand of God" goal v England in the Mexico Finals, 1986. But what about other events in history???
In 1066, VAR may have shown that, at the Battle of Hastings, Harold was not killed by an arrow, but poked himself in the eye when trying to eat a ham sandwich during a lull in the fighting, and fell under his own horse...
In 1605, VAR may have shown that Guy Fawkes was just 'having a fag' in the basement when he was on guard duty at the Houses of Parliament. The Guard Commander didn't like him anyway...
In 1962, VAR may have shown that Lee Harvey Oswald was merely watching the motorcade through his new binoculars (given to him by his mate Jack Ruby) when President Kennedy was fatally shot...
In 2003, VAR may have shown that it was Tony Blair that persuaded George Bush to invade Iraqi during their meeting at the White House on 31 January.
In 1974, VAR may have shown that it was a complete stranger who killed Lord Lucan's Nanny and attacked his wife before the aforementioned disappeared...
In 1912, VAR may have shown that the crew of the Titanic at first ignored the iceberg because they thought it was a wigwam thrown overboard by a(nother) passing ship...
In 1962, VAR in the offices of Decca Records may have shown it was Mick Jagger that persuaded Dick Rowe not to sign the new 'rock and roll' band The Beatles. (Decca subsequently signed The Stones)...
In 1446BC (or 1440BC or 1513BC or 1312BC or some other date), VAR on Mount Sinai may have shown that it was not on three stones that Moses received the Ten Commandments from God, but by text on WhatsApp...
In 1969, VAR in Area 51, Nevada, may have shown Neil Armstrong jumping down from his 'spaceship' and pretending it was the Moon. He was meant to say "That's one small step for man, but one giant leap by Bob Beaman", a reference to the American who had annihilated the World long jump record the previous year at the Mexico Olympics, but at the last minute he forgot the athlete's name...
So, Donald Trump was on the plane to Singapore and to while away the time, was remembering some of his favourite ditties.
Ring a ring a G7,
a committee made in pure heaven?
excuse me , excuse me, we don't get on
This 'club' they call G7,
you know, we should let Russia and Israel in, that'll make er... eleven
believe me, believe me it'll be fun
we'll get on fine just like in heaven
Veni, vidi, ego futui eam
Twinkle, twinkle, greatest man
the greatest president that ever ran
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, greatest man
the world is lucky, yes I can!
Mirror mirror on the wall
rest assured I am the fairest of them all. True.
The stars at night, are big and bright,
deep in the heart of Texas,
The prairie sky is wide and high,
deep in the heart of Texas.
The sage in bloom is like perfume,
deep in the heart of Texas,
Reminds me of the one I love:
Baa, baa black sheep
Have you any wool
Yes sir, yes sir
many bags full
One for my master
And one for his dame
And one for each of the other
ladies part of his game
I once had a teacher - Miss Pell - but nobody could write her name properly...
What if?
Unimpressed with the England squad for the forthcoming World Cup, Mrs May decides to send her own team instead...
Goalkeeper: John Bercow Despite lack of height, as Speaker he is good at deflecting
shots on target
Right Back Nigel Farage Right back where he was 5 years ago – anonymous.
Good at organising post-match drinks
Centre Back Phil Hammond Good tackler. Good at set pieces. Gives nothing away
Left Back Dianne Abbott A bit wayward but good at scything down opposition
Right half Michael Gove Scottish, but couldn't even get in their team! Persuaded
Manager he could play better
Centre Half Tony Blair Likes to attack, but also good in (self) defence
Left Half Gavin Williamson Young, untried, but (apparently) good in defence. Best on
right but just had to be in team...
Right Wing Theresa May Unusually, Manager and Captain who picked team.
Spreads the ball well. Good when in the corner
Inside Right Boris Johnson Likes to dribble. Opposition never know what he
will do next, or which way he will turn
Inside Left Tom Watson Vice Captain. Contract pays little but makes up
with bonuses and expenses
Outside Left Jeremy Corbyn Sulks, and tends to argue with team-mates but good at
lobbing balls into centre
Amber Rudd Good at passing (responsibility). Can play in
defence or attack
David Davis Knowledge of foreign teams a bonus. Good with referees
Can't think of another name for a large jug? Ooh-er.
It's True, I tell you...
+ 15% of traffic on the M25 at any one time is going the wrong way.
+ When you have read 30% of The Sun you are nearly halfway.
+ 80% of MPs think they are doing a better job than their predecessor, but 80% of
ex MPs think they did a better job than their successor.
+ Only 75% of Corbyn supporters can spell his name, 20% cannot spell it and 5% cannot spell "it".
+ 19% of viewers watching the Royal Wedding thought Prince Charles was Megan's Dad, 5% thought William was Harry's Dad and 24% - who had watched "The Windsors' Alternative Wedding" - thought Harry would end up marrying Pippa.
+ 100% of cats are not dogs.
+ 40% of US citizens think Mr Trump is doing a good job, 50% a bad job and 10% have never heard of him.
+ 45% of UK Citizens think Mrs May is doing a good job, 45% a bad job and 15% think I should have paid more attention in maths lessons at School.
+ 12% of people who voted for UKIP in the 2016 General Election, thought the party was offering more sleep.
+ Due to a mix-up at an online ticket bureau, 200 Royal Wedding guests arrived at Wembley for the FA Cup Final, whilst 200 Man Utd fans arrived at Windsor... The wedding guests quickly realised the error and arranged coaches to take them to Windsor, but the Man Utd fans only realised when the congregation did not fight back.
What is 2 times 2 for?
According to Mark Twain, it was Disraeli who first suggested:
"There are lies, damned lies and statistics".
I humbly suggest "there are lies, damned lies and...
… the Leave Campaign.
… Prince Charles' insistence that he knows how the 'other half' live.
… George Bush and Tony Blair's reasons for invading Iraq.
… The House of Lords' attendance records.
… Philip Green's autobiography.
… Donald Trump's golf score card.
… MP's expenses (yawn).
… The e-mail informing you that you have won a cruise/car/helicopter.
… Russia's insistence that it had nothing to do with the Salisbury poisoning.
… Mrs May's promise that there will be an agreeable BREXIT.
… Alex Salmond's RT radio programme.
… UKI Party.
How Many???
how many nukes could a nuclear nation launch
if a nuclear nation could launch nukes?
a nuclear nation would likely launch all the nukes it could
if a nuclear nation could launch nukes
then how many tantrums could that man trump throw
if that man trump could throw tantrums?
to be sure, that man trump would throw all the tantrums he could
if that man trump could throw tantrums
please then, how many press-ups could president putin perform
if president putin could perform press-ups?
probably, president putin would perform all the press-ups he could
if president putin could perform press-ups
moreover, how many members might Mrs May mimic
if Mrs May could mimic members?
maybe Mrs May might mimic all the members she could
if Mrs May could mimic members
but then how many beastly blunders could Boris bellow
if Boris could bellow beastly blunders?
bloody obvious that Boris would bellow as many beastly blunders he could
if Boris could bellow beastly blunders
finally, how many fine fellows (and females) could Finch flatter
if Finch could flatter fine fellows (and females)?
flippin 'ell, Finch would flatter all the fine fellows (and females) he could
if Finch could flatter fine fellows (and females); but he cannot...
When asked who was his worst-ever sitter, Leonardo da Vinci replied "that moaner Lisa..."
a(nother) new UKIP ditty...
Our Nigel went over the ocean, our Nigel went over the seas.
our Nigel went over the ocean, now we're down on our knees
come back, come back, oh come back our Nigel to us, to us
come back, come back, we'll even send our own bus
Last night as I studied the voting, last night as I looked at our loss
last night as I studied the voting, I wish you were still UKIP boss
come back, come back, oh come back our Nigel, today, today
come back, come back, we'll let you get your own way
I heard on your radio show, you didn't really want to exit
I heard on your radio show, you blame it all on brexit
come back, come back, oh come back our Nigel tonight
come back, come back, oh Nigel for once get it right
I am sure you would come back to us, I am sure you would come back now,
I am sure you would come back to us, so Nigel forget your old Frau
so... come back, come back, oh come back our Nigel at once, at once
come back, come back, oh Nigel don't be such a dunce
Confused? Given that he is bald, how can William be "hair" to the throne?
By Jingo, a luvverly song...
(with apologies to the Sherman Brothers)
even though the sound of it is something quite ferocious
if you say it loud enough you'll always sound ridiculocious
because I was afraid to sing when I just joined the House
the Speaker gave me nose a tweak and said I was a louse
then one day Boris taught a word that saved me aching nose
the biggest word I ever heard and this is how it goes:
even though the sound of it is something quite ferocious
if you say it loud enough you'll always sound ridiculocious
so when the vote's not gone your way, there's no need for dismay
just sing this word or shout it out from Dover to Calais
but better use it carefully or it may cause mayhem
one night I said it to me boss and now she's the PM!
even though the sound of it is something quite ferocious
if you say it loud enough you'll always sound ridiculocious
Men dips are not a form of exercise but a range of hills in SW England
Who's a little teapot?...
I'm a silly President bald and big; here's my charisma here's my wig
When I get all fed up hear me frig: "Sack yet another one and call thingumajig!"
I am a football Manager, was a half-back; here's my millions here's my mac
When my team is losing hear me yak: "Get yer bloody finger out or i'll get the sack!"
I am a party leader dreaded and feared; here's my bike and here's my beard
When I get all harrassed hear me go weird: "Get me another notebook this one's dog-eared!"
I am a Cabinet Minister feeble and weak; here's my silly voice and here's my beak
When I get all flustered hear me squeak: "Close down my Twitter there's been another leak!"
I am a nice President the smartest of men; here's my palace here's my doyenne
When I don't get my own way hear me then: "Send for the Gendarme they're on strike again!"
I am an ex-Prime Minister bold and brash: here's my CV and here's my cash
When I get ignored then hear me thrash: "Everyone but me just talks balderdash!"
I am a single Mum and a bit of a slob; I have five kids but I aint got a job
When they ask about their Dad you can hear me sob: "I dunno eh, but I think his name was Bob"
I am a female newsreader sexy and cute; here's my t-shirt – I don't wear a suit
when I'm underpaid hear me shoot: "I'll split on you Sir if I don't get more loot!"
I am a football fan, gentle and kind; here's my team shirt – the best you'll find
When my team are losing hear me grind: "What's the matter Ref, are you …..... blind?"
I'm a little Dictator short and stout; here's my rocket, here's my dugout
When I get all lonely hear me shout: "Fire another one and knock them out!"
I am a young NEET but I don't give a stuff; here's my bed and a nice bit of rough
When I'm told to get a job you can hear me bluff: "I can't work today cos me girl's up the duff"
I am a pretty thing with my own Sugar Daddy; here's my Butler and here's my Caddy
When someone says NO, see me get in a paddy: "So don't bother me you silly young laddie"
I'm a white van man so watch it eh!; here's me speedin' on the motorway
When someone cuts me up I politely say: "You. Move. Now. Touche!"
Not to be outdone by these Cockney Geezers, Sister Squeaker (Mr Speaker) asked me to come up with some:
Government Rhymin' Slang
Cat 'n mouse (House)
Odd-Bod Black Rod
Bunch o' Broads House of Lords
Jack's Surprises tax rises
Crap Selection snap election
Opposition abolition coalition
Hunky Dorey Tory
Scary stories Tories
Love thy neighbour Labour
Bob-a-job Nick's old mob
Indigestion crime Question time
Fixing fences MPs' expenses
Plumber regress Summer recess
Plenty of Jars Members' Bars
Nobbly Knees (MPs)
Minor Morris Boris
Yukky mauve Gove
Moaner Lisa Theresa
JustlikeMavis David Davis
Gimme more gin Jeremy Corbyn
Prince Mabel Vince Cable
Twee Smog Jacob Rees-Mogg
Great Pleasurer Mr Treasurer
Out & About (Out and About)
Clowning suite Downing Street
Slumber pen Number ten
Binge eating Cabinet meeting
Pig pen Big Ben
Mars bars Ministerial cars
Just a bit Shabby Westminster Abbey
Beans and Peaches Queen's speeches
Pussy Cat Time
Prime Minister, Prime Minister, what did you do?
I went to Brussels to meet the EU
Prime Minister, Prime Minister, what did you there?
I frightened the lot of them with my grey hair
Prime Minister, Prime Minister, did Boris go too?
No, I cleverly sent him away, to Peru
Prime Minister, Prime Minister, who then did you take?
I just took myself, a flask and some cake
Prime Minister, Prime Minister, what about Brexit
What Donald (Tusk) said was quite explicit
Prime Minister, Prime Minister, does he fancy you still?
He insists on teaching me skiing, downhill
Prime Minister, Prime Minister, was the trip a success?
It made me realise that Brexit's a mess
Prime Minister, Prime Minister, what happens next?
Told Donald if he wants a date, send me a text
Man of the Moment?
Rats it's Putin
he'll be coming round the Urals when he comes
he'll be coming round the Urals when he comes
he'll be coming round the Urals
coming round the Urals
he'll be coming round the Urals when he comes
he'll be driving a white Lada when he comes
he'll be driving a white Lada when he comes
he'll be driving a white Lada
driving a white Lada
he'll be driving a white Lada when he comes
he'll be wearing white pyjamas when he comes
he'll be wearing white pyjamas when he comes
he'll be wearing white pyjamas
oh, sorry it's a judo suit
he'll be wearing his white judo suit when he comes
he'll be hoping to met Boris when he comes
he'll be hoping to met Boris when he comes
hoping to met Boris when he comes
hoping to met Boris
he'll be hoping to met Boris when he comes
he'll be bringing a small packet when he comes
he'll be bringing a small packet when he comes
he'll be bringing a small packet
bringing a small packet
he'll be bringing a small packet when he comes
oh, Theresa will expel him when he comes
oh, Theresa will expel him when he comes
oh, Theresa will expel him
Theresa will expel him
oh, Theresa will expel him when he comes
he'll be back in time for breakfast when he comes
he'll be back in time for breakfast when he comes
he'll be back in time for breakfast
back in time for breakfast
he'll be back in time for breakfast when he comes
So, everyone is blaming Russia for the "attack" on Sergei Skripal,
but what would other countries use to kill their ex-double agents?
Afghanistan a poison-tipped kite
Argentina a battleship
Australia a poison-tipped boomerang
Belgium poisoned chocolates
Canada suicide mountie
China a tank in Trafalgar Square
Colombia drug overdose
Cuba exploding cigar
Egypt crocodile
France poisoned snails
Germany gift of tainted lederhosen
Iceland poisoned fish fingers (sorry that's the shop)
India poisoned curry
Japan suicide geisha girl
Madeira poisoned cake
Malaysia peashooter
Mexico poisoned taco
Netherlands tainted tulips
North Korea water pistol
Spain suicide flamenco dancers
Switzerland exploding cuckoo clock
US alligator
The recent furore regarding Jeremy Corbyn's "friendliness" with East Europeans during the 'Cold War' got me thinking. About the games people play...
I Spy Jeremy Corbyn ...naturally
Blind Man's Bluff Michael Gove both, perhaps
Musical Chairs The Cabinet next!
Hide & Seek Vince Cable who/what/when/where?
Monopoly Philip Hammond relying on the bank?
Hopscotch Nichola Sturgeon ...between the lines
British Bulldog Nigel Farage bully for him
Piggy-in-the-middle David Davis "She says...they say"
Conkers Michael Barnier (EU) strings attached
French Cricket Jacob Rees-Mogg made-up name
Kiss and Chase Jeffrey Archer innocent m'lud?
Leapfrog Gavin Williamson jumped the queue
Marbles Nick Clegg lost his?
Pooh sticks Tony Blair "Iraq?... water under the bridge"
Ring a ring a roses UKIP ...we all fall down
Rock-Paper-Scissors Kim Jong-un a game of bluff
Simon says Donald Trump ...naturally
Snakes & Ladders Theresa May up... and down...
Truth or Dare Boris Johnson neither really
A song by "Anon"...
(with apologoies to Messrs Gamble, Huff, Gilbert and Billy Paul)
Me and Mrs May
We've got a thing going on
We both know that it's stupid
But we met on OK-Cupid
...can't let it go now
We always meet in Downing Street
Nine thirty and no one knows she'll be there
Holding hands, making all kinds of BREXIT plans
While the Cabinet plays a game of mahjong
Me... and... Mrs... Mrs May
We've got a thing going on
We both know that it's stupid
But we met on OK-Cupid
...can't let it go now
We got to be extra careful
We can't do this in Blackpool
Because she's got BREXIT obligations
and West Brom face relegation
Me... and... Mrs... Mrs May
We've got a thing going on
We both know that it's stupid
But we met on OK-Cupid
...can't let it go now
Well, it's time for us to be achieving
We fail so much, we fail so much, besides
... she'll vote her way and I'll vote mine
Tomorrow we'll eat
Grilled lemon plaice, with some thyme
Me... and... Mrs... Mrs May
We've got a thing going on
We both know that it's stupid
But we met on OK-Cupid
...can't let it go now
Winter Polyimpians
Imagine... Politicians put out a team in the Winter Olympics:
Downhill Theresa May speaks for itself...
Ski Jumping David Davis a leap into the unknown
Curling Gavin Williamson a new broom...
Slalom Nichola Sturgeon need to be good at turning
Bobsleigh Michael Gove need a ride?
Figure Skating Philip Hammond ...on thin ice
Luge Diane Abbott ...head first
Skeleton Boris Johnson . .. feet first
Snowboarding Jeremy Corbyn slippery with jumps
Speed Skating John Bercow a l o n g sprint
Short Track Skating Jacob Rees-Mogg may well get knocked over
Biathlon Amber Rudd need to be a good shot
Ice Hockey Lib-Dems free-for-all
Rheindeer racing UKIP discontinued
Twinkle, twinkle Mrs May
your cab'net is in disarray
up above the world so high
all you've done is nidify
twinkle twinkle Mrs May
please make Boris go away
Confused? You won't find any apes in an apiary
It's 2022...
Boris's Bridge is falling down,
falling down, falling down.
Boris's Bridge is falling down,
My PM
Build it up with mars bars,
buy some multi-packs
Build it up with mars bars,
Chancellor dear
Mars bars will melt and break
melt and break, melt and break,
mars bars will melt and break,
My PM
Build it up with money saved from the EU,
where is it anyway, anyway?
Build it up with money saved from the EU
Chancellor dear
£3.50 saved from the EU is not enough
not enough, not enough
£3.50 saved from the EU is not enough
My PM
Build it up with Boris bikes,
get on yer bike
build it up with Boris bikes
Chancellor dear
Boris bikes have all been stolen
all been stolen, all been stolen
Boris bikes have all been stolen
My PM
Then build it up with Boris buses
they cost enough
Then build it up with Boris buses
Chancellor dear
Boris bus drivers are all on strike
all on strike, all on strike,
Boris bus drivers are all on strike
My PM
Then tear it down and start again,
get the builders in
tear it down and start again
Chancellor dear
But the Contractors have gone bust
they've caved in, caved in,
But the Contractors have gone bust
My PM
Early Man. Look out for Aardman's new film, coming soon. The main character is a caveman named Dug. No, not this one:
Oh when the Spurs go marching on
oh when the Spurs go marching on
I wanna be in that number
when the Spurs go marching on
Oh when the sun refuses to shine
oh when MPs refuse resign
I just return to my slumber
when MPs refuse resign
Oh when the moon, the moon turns red
oh when The Queen moves to Birkenhead
I'll dance the street the rumba
when The Queen moves to Birkenhead
Oh when that trumpet, it sounds that call
when the PM hands over to Timothy Spall
I'll slice myself a piece of cucumber
when the PM hands over to Timothy Spall
Oh when the stars, fall from the sky
when women wear a suit and tie
I'll swinm across the river Humber
when women wear a suit and tie
Oh when the drums begin to bang
when young Harry loses his posh twang
I'll watch a bit of "Outnumbered"
when young Harry loses his posh twang
Oh when the horsemen begin to ride
when Jeremy is qualified
i'll go and burn some rottten lumber
when Jeremy is qualified
Oh when the fire begins to blaze
when Nigel gets deserve'd praise (?)
I promise to disencumber
when Nigel gets deserve'd praise (?)
In the style of "Quartermaster Stores":
Oh it's inappropriate behaviour when people ask a favour
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
Oh it's inappropriate behaviour when people ask a favour
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
mine eyes are dim, I cannot see
I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me
We do as we're told or Theresa will scold
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
We do as we're told or Theresa will scold
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
mine eyes are dim, I cannot see
I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me
We don't refer to Brexit, we prefer to call it Britshit
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
We don't refer to Brexit, we prefer to call it Britshit
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
mine eyes are dim, I cannot see
I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me
We laugh at Boris too, 'cos he doesn't have a clue
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
We laugh at Boris too, 'cos he doesn't have a clue
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
mine eyes are dim, I cannot see
I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me
We loved your budget Phil, now don't forget your pill
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
We loved your budget Phil, now don't forget your pill
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
mine eyes are dim, I cannot see
I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me
Our jobs are not for life , because we've ALL got a wife
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
Our jobs are not for life , because we've ALL got a wife
in the cabinet, in the cabinet
mine eyes are dim, I cannot see
I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me
Banging a nail into a piece of wood is NOT a lumbar puncture.
Abbreviations - new meanings
Good sense of humour
Generally short of hearing
Never snogged
Own house and car
Only have a cat
sense of humour
Suffering of herpes
Very good sense of humour
Virgin gingerly seeks old husband
Young at heart
Yes am hungarian
Tall dark handsome
Totally drippy headcase
Would like to meet
Willy little tongue massive
Buying a car?
Electric front windows
Eminently f...... worthless
Full service history
Filled several holes
Heated rear window
Heavy rain? – watch (out)
Left hand drive
Large handling deficiency
Central heating
Clutch hopeless
Lights spray and wipe
Loose wheels (and) steering
Power assisted steering
Piston absolutely shot
Right hand drive
Radiator has defects
Good condition
Generally crap
House hunting?
gas central heating
Garden shelters homeless
Off street parking
Oven stinks permanently
First time buyer
Full (of) terrible botches
Full (of) holes
Lots (of) holes
Double glazing
Deadly gas (installation)
Carpets and curtains
Cheap and cheerful
Offers in the region of
Other idiots ran off
Or (very) near offer
Only (very) nonsensical offers
Price on application
Price obscenely artificial
nothing new on here for ages...
have a look at the other pages...
Conservatories Manifesto – Slogan Typos
FORWARned to get her!
FlawWould get her
yOuR boreD? whatever
FOResaw blue weaTHER
yOuRsWoulD? no nevER
DimLeb Manifesto – Slogan Typos
WORKING FOR who?
twerKING FOR YOU
WORKING FOR YOU two
IrKING, you too?
quirKING FOR YOU
WORKING? poOR YOU
Laybore Manifesto – Slogan Typos
FOR gerMANY - NOT crewe
FOR THE MAN - NOT THE M wimmin, phew
FOR THE M - NOT you
FORget MANY - s'NOT true
FOuR a penny – kNOT THE clew
mORe of THE bennie – NOT THE glue
FOR her when e's – got THE Flu
thereFORe THE MANY – not a clue
not THE MANY - for A FEW
Who's in the Zoo? (at Election Time)
I love going to the zoo, especially at Election time, how about you?
Zoo, zoo, who is in the zoo at Election time to visit?
I love going to the zoo
how about you?
Let's go see what Theresa says:
"In tough times, everyone has to take their share of the pain;
Why, only last week, I walked across the road in the rain!"
"If you are from an ordinary working class family, life is just
much harder than many people in politics realise;
Last week a young mother of five told me she could not afford £130
on a new pair of shoes. Now that was a surprise"
Look who's over there by the swings. It's Jeremy Corbyn! What does he say?
"'United we stand, divided we fall' is one of the oldest
and truest slogans on the Labour movement;
If we don't want to fall there must be a dramatic improvement".
"Labour Party members must all be free to criticise and oppose
injustice and abuse wherever we find it;
I will not tolerate any member of my party who, referring
to our manifesto, offers discredit"
Over there, by the pond, Tim Farron has lost his tongue, so Nick Clegg will
speak on behalf of the LibDems. I wonder what he says?
"You see people literally in a different galaxy who are
paying extraorinarily low rates of tax;
Bloody Martians".
"We need to teach our kids, because there is such a celebrity culture at the
moment, that however rich you are, however famous you are, however
glamorous you are, everyone has to live by the same rules;
That's why I'm sending my kids to proper posh schools".
And just when you thought it was safe, something has crawled out
from under a stone over there. It's Tony Blair. What does he say?
"I want my son to grow up in a place where the people are more powerful
than the government and not the other way around;
As soon as he is old enough he will be moonbound".
"The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes;
That' why I couldn't say no to George, I guess".
One Brexit has been finalised, we will be in a position to sort out
our immigration problem; by reparation, repatriation, or even maybe
On the (Election) Buses...
The wheels on the SNP bus go round and round, round and round
The wheels on the SNP bus go round and round, all over the Country
The Press on the SNP bus would rather listen to Motown, rather listen to Motown
The Press on the SNP bus would rather listen to Motown all over the County
The Leader on the SNP bus does not come cheap, does not come cheap
The Leader on the SNP bus does not come cheap all over the Country
The manifesto on the SNP bus serves the same old dish, same old dish
The manifesto on the SNP bus serves the same old dish all over the Country
MPs on the SNP bus worry that their number of seats will shrink, number of seats will shrink
MPs on the SNP bus worry that their number of seats will shrink all over the Country
Alex is not on the SNP bus due to lack of headroom, lack of headroom
Alex is not on the SNP bus due to lack of headroom, all over the Country
The new buzz word on the SNP bus? Indyref2far, Indyref2far
The new buzz word on the SNP bus? Indyref2far all over the Country
The wheels on the UKIP bus go round and round, round and round
The wheels on the UKIP bus go round and round all over the Country
The Leader on the UKIP bus is heading for a splashdown, heading for a splashdown
The Leader on the UKIP bus is heading for a splashdown all over the South
The UKIP bus is also heading for the scrapheap, heading for the scrapheap
The UKIP bus is also heading for the scrapheap all over the South East
The Press on the UKIP bus are not Polish, Press are not Polish
The Press on the UKIP bus are not Polish all over the County
Nigel's on the UKIP bus but only for the drink, only for the drink
Nigel's on the UKIP bus but only for the drink all over the Town
The mood on the UKIP bus is doom and gloom, doom and gloom
The mood on the UKIP bus is doom and gloom all round the village
£10 of petrol in the UKIP bus won't get them very far, won't get them very far
£10 of petrol in the UKIP bus won't get them very far; just up the road
The wheels on the Labour bus go round and round, round and round
The wheels on the Labour bus go round and round, all over the Country
The mood on the Labour bus goes up and down, up and down
The mood on the Labour bus goes up and down all over the Country
The language on the Labour bus goes bleep, bleep, bleep; bleep, bleep
The language on the Labour bus goes bleep, bleep, bleep all over the Country
The pollsters on the Labour bus go I wish, I wish, I wish; I wish, I wish,
I wish
The pollsters on the Labour bus go I wish, I wish I wish all over the Country
The Leader on the Labour bus goes rethink, rethink, rethink; rethink,
rethink, rethink
The Leader on the bus goes rethink, rethink all over the Country
Union members on the Labour bus suggest new broom, new broom, new
Union members on the Labour bus suggest new broom, new broom all over the Country
The Press on the Labour bus go ha ha ha, ha ha ha
The Press on the Labour bus go ha ha ha all over the Country
The wheels on the Tory bus go round and round, round and round
The wheels on the Tory bus go round and round, all over the Country
Boris on the Tory bus acts the clown, acts the clown
Boris on the Tory bus acts the clown all over the Country
The old codgers on the Tory bus go sleep, sleep, sleep; sleep, sleep, sleep
The old codgers on the Tory bus go sleep, sleep, sleep all over the Country
The Leader on the Tory bus is schoolmarmish, schoolmarmish, schoolmarmish
The Leader on the Tory bus is schoolmarmish, schoolmarmish all over the Country
The manifesto on the Tory bus is written in pencil not ink, pencil not ink
The manifesto on the Tory bus is written in pencil not ink all over the Country
The Press on the Tory bus are locked in a box room, box room
The Press on the Tory bus are locked in a box room all over the Country
Discussions on the Tory bus go blah, blah, blah; blah, blah, blah
Discussions on the Tory bus go blah, blah, blah all over the Country
The wheels on the LibDem minibus go round and round round and round
The wheels on the LibDem minibus go round and round all over the Country
The Leader on the LibDem minibus always wears a frown, wears a frown
The Leader on the LibDem minibus always wears a frown all over the Country
The Presss for the Libdem minibus follow in a jeep, follow in a jeep
The Presss for the Libdem minibus follow in a jeep all over the Country
Optimists on the LibDem minibus are made to feel foolish, made to feel foolish
Optimists on the LibDem minibus are made to feel foolish all over the Country
On the LibDem minibus there's no room for a sink, no room for a sink
On the LibDem minibus there's no room for a sink all over the Country
With so few MPs on the LibDem minibus there's still plenty of room, plenty of room
With so few MPs on the LibDem minibus there's still plenty of room all over the Country
After the Election on the Libdem minibus, they'll only need a car, need a car
After the Election on the Libdem minibus, they'll only need a car all over the Country
don't forget to view the pictoons in "Gallery"
Rhymin' Leaders - the Bleeders
Jeremy Corbyn sat in the "New Inn"
writing his list of 'to do'
there came Mr Beckett
said "what about Brexit?"
the reply? "I haven't a clue!"
LibDem Tim Farron sat with young Karen
reciting the LibDem MPs
there came a young voter
said "that's a small quota,
I can't vote for any of these"
Theresa May laid in the hay
answering questions galore
there came quite an awkward one
she replied "look here Son,
I 'aint gonna answer no more"
UKIP's Paul Nuttall sat on a small wall
wondering where he should 'stand'
there came his advisor
who was none the wiser
but said "how 'bout West Noddyland?"
Nicola Sturgeon sat on the lap of a surgeon
admiring her new shiny shoe
there came a young Pete
"what if you lose lots of seats?"
"Nae bother - it's indyref2!"
Two Green Party Leaders sat under some bird feeders
hoping to get votes from the young
there came with a swoop
a crow for a poop
"I've a funny taste on my tongue"
Some people live in luxury;
others hope for luck surely.
Election Stuff...
Thursday the 8th June: Election Day. It's also the day of the Diamond League Athletics Meeting in Rome. What if MPs and Athletes got their diaries mixed up? What would the UK's representation in Rome look like?
Well, according to most, it should be a short sprint for THERESA MAY back to No 10 so she is a must for the 100 metres, maybe doubling up with the 200m. PHILIP HAMMOND, with a bit more stamina, will do the 400m. Long distance runners? Forget it. For JEREMY CORBYN, he knows there are too many obstacles to stop him getting to No 10 so he might be good at the 3,000m steeplechase. There are 28 hurdles and 7 water jumps for him to clear: great practice! Talking of hurdles, it looks like TONY BLAIR is our man for the 110m hurdles; its renowned for its false starts. The hammer requires a large man who can throw heavy things about whilst emitting a curious unitelligible sounding noise: BORIS. Remember the Lib Dems? TIM FARRON has a hard job to get them back to 'winning ways'; it's the high jump for him if he fails. But to make the Lib Dems feel wanted, NICK CLEGG can drive the coach to Rome, and the remainder can form the relay squads (4 plus 3 reserves). NICHOLA STURGEON, of course, is not an MP (being a MSP) so is not elligible to take part but she could continue her subservience to ALEX SALMOND, collecting the javelin for him after he has launched it at several of the opposition. What needs a good run up... a spring in the step...a great height... and a sharp, thumping landing the other side? It's ED MILIBAND for the pole vault. Of course, it was NIGEL FARAGE who greatly influenced the need for Brexit and the Election, so he can be a Starter (of course he can be trusted with a gun). There's just time to name the manager, who must be good a organising juveniles on a foreign trip: JUSTINE GREENING.
OK, an election rhyme (probably the first of some)
(with apologies to Edward Lear)
The PM and the cabinet 'went to the Country'
in a dutiful, pristine showboat
she took some ideas, and some 'oh dears'
wrapped up in an old five pound note
the Chancellor looked up to the stars above
and sang and danced with a twirl
'Oh lovely PM! Oh PM my love
What a beautiful PM you are girl
a pearl, a pearl
what a beautiful PM you are girl!'
PM said to the Chancellor, 'You silly bastardl!
What stupid words you sing!
I'm a married woman, and we have an election to win
and a bigger majority to swing'
They rallied away, for six weeks and a day
to the land where the electorate groans
And there in a wood Nichola stood
saying 'indy ref2 you knows
you knows, you knows
we'll have indyref2 you knows'
Dear Nichola, are you willing to sell
for this old five pound note, your indyref2?'
Said Nichola, 'I will'
So Nichola took it away, and the PM won the next day
and celebrated – quite perky - with the set from Notting Hill
They dined on mints, and danced to Prince
dressed in onesy ball pantaloons
and with a great handstand, via the Strand,
she returned home on the 8th June
the 8 June, the 8th June
the PM returned to No 10 on the 8th June
(a footnote to the tale: PM was no mate
the £5 by now was out of date!)
From Russia, with love
(with apologies to Lionel Bart, Matt Munro)
From Russia with love to you G7
we've travelled around to bomb, burn them to heaven
much wiser since our goodbye to you
we laugh at your feeble threat of thumbscrew
and we're not scared of your woollen glove
you must return from Russia with love
We've seen places, faces that smiled for a mo
but only until Assad bombed them so
still our hands are tied with pride
we do like to be beside the (Syrian) seaside
you would not let your love for us show above
you must return from Russia with love
To Russia you flew but there and then
we suddenly knew you'd care again
our kowtowing to you is definitely through
but then, we're sure, you always knew
Mr Putin is no mere turtledove
to you G7, from Russia with love
(Another) Brexit Song
(with apologies to Fred McFarlane, Allen George, Chaz Mishan, David Delazyn, Jason Desrouleaux, William Attaway, Irvine Burgie)
Brexit, Breeexit, Brexit come and I wanna go home
Brexit, I say Breeexit, Brexit come and I wanna go home
Brexit come and I wanna go home
Work all night for the JD Sports
earn £2 and three liquorice allsorts
workers rights? I could write a tome
(Brexit come but I can't go home)
Wife works all day in Banker's house
treated like a slave by his dolly bird spouse
even cleans the hair from her dirty comb
(Brexit come, they won't let us go home)
Get my dinner from the local food bank
piece of stale cheese, some discarded lamb shank
out-of-date bread that tastes like foam
(Brexit come and I wanna go home)
Work in the fields on my only day off
pinch some lunch from the farmer's pig trough
might be better off as a garden gnome
(Brexit come and I better go home)
Share a small flat with another three mates
...and my wife and three kids, that makes eight
not much space to walk or roam
(Brexit come and I maybe go home)
Didn't get a vote for the referendum
seems like most people chose at random
maybe suffering from UKIP syndrome
(Brexit come and I may need to go home)
Come, Mr Taxman, how much do I owe?
can you wait until I win the rollover lotto
might try begging outside Brighton Dome
(Brexit come, can't afford to go home)
Came to the UK to start a new life
Nicola said I should have gone to Fife
probably be better off going to Rome
(Brexit come and I better go home)
Went on a rally with other immigrants
got beaten up by some local vagrants
hit on the head by a tube of hard chrome
(Brexit come now I'm really goin' home)
Brexit talks, they do not go well
makes it more expensive to buy and sell
Everybody fall out with the UK
doesn't matter if you are straight or gay
A long as you're not from east of Dover
you are very welcome to come over
Brexit come, now they're sending me home
Brexit come, now they're sending me home
MAKE News
The discovery of more oil west of Shetland has come at an appropriate time, as
Scotland prepares to leave the UK. Prime Minister-elect Sturgeon says that the
money generated by the oil will fund the new 350 mile bridge planned to join
Scotland to the rest of the EU; from Dunbar in never-neverlands – sorry,
Scotland - to Harlingen in the Netherlands. Meanwhile, President-elect Salmond is
drawing up plans for "Alex's Wall"; a two foot high double wall following the current
English-Scottish border. Although the wall will be funded by central government,
Mr Salmond is hoping local communities along the route will sponsor the flowers
which will be planted inside.
President Trump has made a 'miner' alteration to ex-President Obama's "Clean Power
Plan". Using a stick of charcoal to sign the Order, the President repeated his
pre-election promise that "...the minors are coming back", although it is believed he
was confusing the good news for coal miners with the increased spending on nursery places.
Following the naming this week of "Cristiano Ronaldo Airport" in Madeira, there are plans
to pay a similar tribute to Wayne Rooney, the ex-England striker. Some ideas are: renaming
the hotel in Salford where he had sex with a prostitute in 2010 as "Wayne's Place";
renaming the hotel in Watford where he was allegedly drunk whilst on 'International duty'
as "Wayne's Bar" and renaming a back passage in Croxteth, Liverpool, where he grew up,
as "Rooney Way".
Meanwhile, old people are searching their houses for any 'threepenny bits' (last seen
pre-decimal in 1971) after it was discovered that they will fit all vending machines when
they are converted to take the new £1 coins. A spokesperson for the Royal Mint, when
asked for comment, said "...bugger".
A friend of mine works for the Chancellor in the Exchequer.
Another friend used to work as a quality controller
in a cake factory. He's an ex-checker.
Not on your Nellie
To New York
a travelling circus came
they brought an intelligent? man
Donald Trump was his name
one dark night
he slipped out in the pouring rain
and off he ran to Washington
and was often seen again
Asif the American voted for Trump
and said hello to the circus
on it went with a trumpety-trump
trump, trump, trump
so Asif the American packed his case
and trundled back to his birthplace
off he went with a trumpety-trump
trump, trump, trump
Night by night
he danced the circus way
when Trump was leading the big parade
he looked so proud and gay
No more tricks for him to perform
he was best when he could coquet
they tried to teach him etiquette
but he just could not reform
Day by day
he danced the circus way
when Trump was leading the big parade
he looked so proud and gay
No more tricks for him to perform
he was best when he could write new rules
they tried to stop him making them fools
but he was just getting warm
The head of the Senate was calling
just out of jail
they met one night in the dodgy light
on the bridge to Annandale
so Trump the President packed up his desk
and said goodbye to the circus
off he went with a trumpety-trum
Trump, trump, trump.
It's not fair that George Osbourne get all the fun. What if? Magazine Editors:
Attitude-Nichola Sturgeon Birdwatch- Silvio Berlusconi
Buses-John Major Carp talk-Nigel Farage
Comic Heroes-Donald Trump delicious.-Anne Widdecombe
Diver-Jamie Vardy Earthmovers-George W Bush
Exclusively British-Andy Murray Felt-Madonna
Focus-George Osbourne(!) Gamesmaster-Jose Mourinho
Grow Your Own-James Nesbitt Gurgle-Jeremy Corbyn
Holiday Living-Prince Harry How It Works-Stephen Hawking
Let's Talk-Bono Making Money-Rupert Murdoch
Mens' Fitness-Vladimir Putin Money Observer-Sir Philip Green
Photoshop Creative-Cliff Richard Word Search-David Beckham
Racing Ahead-Lance Armstrong Real Crime-Jeffrey Archer
Chap-Boris Johnson Lady-Vanessa Feltz
People's Friend-Robert Mugabe People's Friend Special-Kim Jung-un
Uncut-Sarah Ferguson Yarn-Tony Blair
Trout & Salmon-Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmon
I hate words that are pronounced the same but spelt
differently, but that does not make me homophobic.
Georgie Rhymin' Time
Georgie Osbourne, greedy is he
had a job, or two or three
when another came along
he took that too, "what's wrong?"
Show him the way
Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I did a little job about an hour ago
And it's gone right to my head
Everywhere I roam, see
to Tatton, Westminster, Derry St or Chelsea
You can always hear me singing this song
show me the way to go home
Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
my constituents are hassling me
And it's gone right to my head
but I'm on my way to the House of P
'cos need to put in my expenses, see
so you can always hear me singing this song
show me the way to go home
Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I must make an editorial decision
And it's gone right to my head
shall I allow a joke about Donald T
or will he set the CIA on me?
I would rather be singing the same old song
show me the way to go home
Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
my investment advice is right up the creek
And it's gone right to my head
Every time they ask my advice Honey
I just tell them to borrow more money
I'm sick of singing this bleedin' song
show me the way to go home
Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I'm so confused about my work
And it's gone right to my head
I don't know whether I'm coming or went
and all that money still gets spent
I've forgotten about the bloody song
just show me the way to go home
MAKE News
Yesterday it was announced that a second vote to allow women members of Muirfield Golf Club was successful. This follows last year's vote when the (obviously male) members voted against such a move. Rather like indyref2 then. If at first you don't suceed... I understand that Scotland have also applied for a rematch of the Calcutta Cup match played last Saturday because they weren't happy with that result either (England 61 Scotland 21).
Talking of equality for women, apparently there is movement afoot to get some equality for women whose husbands are given a Knighthood. At present, of course, they are given the title "Lady", but in order to be equal to men whose wives are given a Damehood, in future they may get no title, just plain old "Mrs".
Meanwhile, George Osbourne, MP, having secured a £650,000 per annum job for an American finance company - four days a month - has put forward a suggestion that Parliament moves to a 'three day week'. "I will find it difficult to carry out my weekly job for Blackrock, in addition to the (very) lucrative speeches I give, nip into the House of Commons now and then for the odd vote, AND still find time to pop up to the local office in Knutsford to sort out my Constituents' problems. Bear in mind - as SNP Member Mhairi Black says, Parliament is a waste of time, as nothing gets done - so three days a week should be ample to sort out the Country's problems. I may even be tempted to do a stint as a football 'pundit' too; I try and seek out Mokkersfield's result each week you know. Sorry, that should read Macclesfield".
There was uproar at the Church of England yesterday as it was announced by the European Court of Justice that Employers can now ban the wearing of any "...political, philosophical or religious sign...". This means that vicars must now wear 'smart casual' clothing when taking Services, although the Archbishop of Canterbury - because of his stature - can wear a suit.
Following the increasing furore over footballers suffering brain damage from heading the ball, it has now been disclosed that female players are much more likely to suffer than males. To this end, the FA has made immediate plans to redesign goals so that they are only two feet high, which will dispense with the need to head the ball. In order to allow teams to train new, shorter goalkeepers, the new goals will not be brought in until next season, said Ed Sunn, FA spokesman.
a pucklie rhyme
Wee Nicola Sturgeon rins through the toun
upstairs and doonstairs in her nicht goun
tirlin at the window cryin' at the lock
are you ready for another vote for it's noo time Jock
Hey Nicola Sturgeon are ye comin' ben?
ma wife wants to see ye, don't ye hen?
she wants tae clype ye aboot yer referendum
kis ye can take it see, and stick it up yer bum
Twickers chorus
Swing low, sweet victorious English coach
Coming for to carry them to the pub
next week we'll be at it again
against the Irish; ah there's the rub
Swing low, sweet Scottish team coach
Coming for to carry them home
thankfully next week is an easier game
at Murrayfield to the team from Rome
Donald's wormy song
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me
I think I'll appoint a new official
Big fat juicy ones,
Eensie weensy squeensy ones
See how they wiggle and squirm!
Down goes the first one
down goes the second one
Oh how they wriggle and squirm
away goes the first one,
away goes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm!
I bite off the heads, and suck out the juice,
And throw the skins away!
Nobody knows how fat I grow,
On new officials three times a day!
Not many like Owen Farrell, the England No 10,
because they think he is a bit standoff-ish.
TOP Knews
Some Coppers are bent!
PM says NI rise "fair"!
Footballer tried to win match!
Two-year-old did not recognise Queen!
UK and Scottish Governments disagree on 'indyref2'!
Lernin Inglish
I was sat on a bridge
eating a sandwich
(containing spinach)
thinking about our language...
I remember, when in Wichita
we got on well, had rapport
I looked at the floor
picked up an oar
my hand was sore
and then I saw
what I thought was your
pet labrador
but stared in awe
recognising the dinosaur
I was the only heir
but did not care
a cross I must bear
I may be millionaire
but no, not debonair
I watched a film, a premiere
about a town's new lady mayor
who lived in the square
I knew her family, they're...
living abroad, France somewhere
Top Knews
Richest pupils dominate top schools!
Sax(ophone) to be taught in all schools!?
Teacher came out (as gay)!
BBC to have cookery show!
Some children don't sleep very well!
Football fans invade pitch!
Scottish MPs differ on need for second referendum!
Cars recalled due to defect!
NHS Managers earn lots of money!
Smart meters aren't always accurate!
UKIP hierarchy argue!
Trump claims are false!
Fruit and veg served in Scottish schoools may have to be cut!
Depending on your occupation/hobby, you can easily get a thick lip,
trench foot, cauliflower ear, housemaids' knees, tennis elbow, smokers'
cough, be all thumbs, turn a blind eye; but you would have to go on a
dating website to get a mountaineer.
have you looked at my 'pictoons' in the Gallery?
Overheard on the Golf Course (Trump International Golf Club, Florida):
DT: Hello Roly
RM: It's Rory Mr President
DT: Oh, call me Donald on the course Rawry. So your from an Island, which one?
RM: Not an island, Ireland
DT: But that's an 'island' too 'aint it?
RM: Well, yessir I suppose it is
DT: Is that the one that has a "North" and "South"? Which are you?
RM: North
DT: Is that the one with the dreaded IRA?
RM: No, that's the South, Eire
DT: Airer? What's that?
RM: That's the Irish for Southern Ireland... Sir... er..., I think there's a man in that tree over there...
DT: Oh, don't worry about him. He'll only shoot if you play really well...
on to the third hole:
on to the fifth hole:
DT: So that's a four for you and a three for me
RM: Did you include the bit where you kicked the ball closer to the hole?
DT: Oh, you noticed? Nah, I was just scraping some mud off my shoe
RM: Er, OK but why did you kick mine further away?
DT: I thought it was mine - to give you a chance
So what do you think of my proposition - to persuade Nigella Farage to come and be my White House cook?
RM: I think you are getting the two mixed up. Nigella is a cook, Nigel is a ... a politician.
DT: Oh, right; but Nigella is the pretty one?
RM: Yes, gorgeous!
DT: You like her? I can arrange for her to fancy you. She loves me. True. She told me on the phone, but I reminded her that Melania is my first love. You know, I shouldn't tell you, but all the gorgeous women of the world love me. They just keep on calling...
RM: No thanks, I'm very happy with Erica
on to the ninth hole:
on to the 15th hole:
RM: Er, your Aide has just broken my best putter. I -
DT: It was an accident. He was just trying to see how tough it was. Not very tough was it? So this North and South Island. Are they both in this Brickshit thing?
RM: That's just the North. The South is not part of the UK
DT: Oh, like Scotland
RM: Yes, Scotland is... part of the UK
DT: But little Nicola told me herself – when she rang the other day – God that women adores me - that they were leaving. She and her fishy friend Salmon were going to organise it, she said. True.
RM: Well, I don't know about that Sir. It's a hot topic.
DT: Well, good luck with that.
On to the 18th hole
On to the 19th hole
Rory finds himself alone at the bar. The barman pours him another drink, then goes back to watching TV.
RM: What are you watching?
Barman: Oh, just The President, giving a speech to some businessmen.
RM: When was that?
Barman: It's live
RM: But I've just played golf with the man, er President! He said he was just going to have to make a phone call!
Barman: Oh, was that you? Hah. The man you played golf with was just one of The President's decoys. Name of Geoff Bennett... He's good eh?
Some new 'cursory rhymes'
Old Mother May went to her in tray
to find if there's any good news
but then she looked sad
all the news was bad
enough to drive her to booze
There was a crooked man who bought a shopping giant
but sold it years later for less than a robin reliant
in the meantime he stripped out all of its assets
left the said shop with nothing but huge debts
when it was suggested that he pay for the pensions
he said straight away "I have no such intentions"
now he's been persuaded to cough up some money
reminding his wife "we've still got billions Honey"
I am a little troublemaker
short and trim
I can't stand her
and I can't stand him
when Theresa says "no chance"
hear me shout
"another referendum;
we want out!"
I used to be a serious thinker; now I'm expensive.
Oscars 2017 - and the winner is...(not)
what if...
Nobel Peace Prize 1939... Adolf Hitler
NME Best New Band 2005... The Smurfs
Booker Prize for Fiction 1997... Labour Party Election Manifesto
Train Operator of the Year 2016/17... Thomas and Friends
BAFTA Award - Best film not in the English Language 1995... Braveheart
British Academy TV Award - Best Comedy 2016... Labour Party Conference
British Academy TV Award - Best Comedy Duo 2016... Nicola Sturgeon, Alex Salmond
Oscar - Best makeup and hairstyling 2017... Donald Trump
HM Queen's New Year's Honours 2017 KBE... Nigel Farage; for innovation towards the fostering of International Relations
Another Trump in the Wall (with apologies to Pink Floyd)
I don't need no education
we don't need no Fort De Gaulle
no retaliation in the Senate
hey! Judges! leave them Bills alone!
all in all it's just a few million dollars for the wall
I don't have no education
what the hell is thought control?
only nihilism in the classroom
teachers left me well alone
all in all it's just another few million dollars for the wall
We don't need no immigration
all we need is border control
no complaining in the Senate
leave my Executive Orders well alone
all in all it's just a another few more million dollars for the wall
TOP Knews
Millionaire striker scores goal!
Woman gets promoted at work!
The seas contain rubbish; seen on land too!
Woman works as a butcher!
Burglar climbed over wall!
There are other planets!
The whole country has weather!
Here's another I wrote earlier...
Bin Laden in my garden
It was a fairly yucky morning
so when I'd finished ya...ya... yawning
I threw away my tear-stained pillow
went over to the bedroom window
I looked outside, then looked again
peering through the sodden rain
It surely must be some mistake
but there he was, stood with my rake
I felt my head, my eyeballs harden
that bloke Bin Laden's in my garden!
I shouted down "Oi, what's your game?"
he asked "how you come to know my name?"
I shouted back "you should be dead -
the Yanks, they shot you in the head!"
he laughed "that was my older brother -
'cos I escaped disguised as Mother"
"I never go to the Pakistan,
'cos I was up in Lindisfarne.
I on my way to timbuktoo
to find a pregnant kangaroo!"
"You must be joking", came my reply
then he stopped, began to cry
"I only wish a simple life,
with twenty kids and busty wife
I didn't mean to cause no harm
just wanted job on local farm"
"It's too late now" I tried to say,
but he was gone – off on his way
I rang the Police: "I beg your pardon
that bloke Bin Laden's in my garden!"
He said "no chance, the man is dead -
the Yanks, they shot him in the head!"
"No, no, they shot his older brother -
and he escaped disguised as Mother.
He's on his way to timbuktoo
via Regents Park – I think the zoo"
"Look 'ere chum" the Copper said
"D'you think I stupid in the head?
Nothing what you say makes sense
in fact I'll charge you with offence"
I listened to the man with fear
"I swear Bin Laden was just here!"
"I'm coming to arrest you now
just when I've saddled up my cow"
That last remark, it made me laugh
and I awoke; was in the bath!
just then my mobile rang in tune
Pink Floyd: "the dark side of the moon"
then whispering voice of my mate Maxy
"That bloke Bin Laden's in my taxi!"
s l o w n e w s day
The BBC, it seems to me, is going slightly crackers
they say we must protect our home appliances from hackers
unfortunately this warning came too late for me today
my toaster threw my breakfast in the air onto the tray
it wasn't even done the way I usually like to eat
it then began attacking me by biting at my feet
I tried to hit hard using a rolling pin I had
but was jumped on by my kettle; which made me flaming mad
I ran out of the kitchen, my head hurting from the bruise
cursing that the BBC should broadcast stupid news
things calmed down, and I now I'm reading some old books
but my microwave is giving me some very funny looks...
Talking of such nonsense
don't think I am just dense
I would also like to report
good news the Chancellor brought
the Government made a surplus
in January's circus
but before you get excited
and the Chancellor is Knighted
it just means that our borrowing
will not be quite so harrowing
and he'll still need to fudge it
when it comes to next month's budget
A man went into the Travel Agent's to book
a holiday. "Where do you want to go", he
was asked. "Cor, phew, I don't know,
somewhere I can ski."
MAKE News
A few people changing jobs next week. First is David Cameron to replace Arsene Wenger as Arsenal Manager. He has - he says - been an Arsenal fan since watching them win the 1936 Cup Final, paying tuppence 'apenny to stand and watch with his Grandad. There was some confusion this week when Mr Wenger issued a statement on Twitter, saying that he would "...definitely manage next season...". Unfortunately, due to the restrictive nature of Twitter, the last words of his statement - "...on the money I have made whilst at Arsenal" were missing.
David Cameron is to be replaced by Paul Nuttall (ex UKIP Leader) just... sorry you didn't know? - just as soon as David Cameron's job has been identified. Meanwhile, applications for UKIP Leader are to be sent on the back of a £50 Note to Nigel Farage c/o European Parliament, Brussels or Strasbourg or Luxembourg or the Pig and Whistle Whitechapel.
Peter Stringfellow and Bilko (Bercow as some people refer to him) meanwhile, are swapping jobs because they are both experienced at working with big girls' blouses. This upset Prince Harry as he was hoping for the Stringfellows job, which he described as "...right up my street" (he recently moved into a flat in Upper St Martins Lane). He (Harry) was due to be replaced by Bob Ajobi - he came 43rd in last year's Britain's Got Talent - who was going to do the job on behalf of Barnardos to highlight how difficult it is for a young single person to live without a regular income.
Tony Blair had been the front Runner for the UKIP job but, unfortunately was arrested yesterday after a visit to Poundland, where he has "an account". Walking past the queue at the till he held up a packet of chocolate chip biscuits, telling the assistant to "put a £1 on my account". Outside, however, he was found to have TWO packets in his bag. In his defence, he told Police that whilst collecting the biscuits, another assistant had said "Bog Off", and he took that to mean 'buy one get one free'. He is said to be consulting his Barrister - the daughter of a "Scouse Git" - about the matter.
Here's one I wrote earlier:
Watch on You Tube with pictures:
I wondered loudly as a cow
that plods in fields with gates of bars
when all at once I saw, somehow
along the road, around the bend
the stalling traffic its way did wend
Continuous the brake lights shine
with the traffic nose to tail
the stretching, never-ending line
along the road to Borrowdale
scores of drivers showing grief
shaking their heads in disbelief
Walkers and bikers saw them, laughed
they out-did the almost statics cars
a driver could not but be daft
to sit in stifling metal jars
I grazed and grazed, with little knowledge
what caused the scene just o'er the hedge
For oft when in the field I lie
in vacant or in lazy moo'd
I see the picture in my eye
which spoils my splendid solitude
and then my head; it ha, ha, ha's
and laughs about the motor cars
Tony Says (with apologies to 1910 Fruitgum Company (honest!))
I'd like to play a game
That is so much fun
And it's not so very hard to do
The name of the game is Tony Blair says
And I would like for you to play it too
Tony Blair says
cut off your right arm
wriggle the knife all about
Tony says
Do it when Tony says
that will teach you to vote out
Tony Blair says
cut off your left arm
hack the bone if it's stiff
Tony says
do it when Tony says
and you'll cause no more mischief
Tony Blair says
pat your self on the back
are you enjoying this fun game?
Tony says
do it when Tony says
...oh you can't? That's a shame
Tony Blair says
it serves you bleedin' right
should not have listened to him
Tony says
you did it when Tony said
now your life will be grim
If you score "under par" when playing golf; that's good.
In any other sport, an "under par" performance is bad...
Corbyn Blues (with apologies to Mick Jones, Joe Strummer/The Clash)
My Honourable friends, you must let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you like much aplenty
I'll be here till 2020
So you must let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
I'll always hesitate
You think I am third rate
One day is fine and the next is cack
So if you want me off your back
Well, come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If I must go then tell me why
I will not wear a suit and tie
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know
The indecision's rather annoying
some of you are merely toying
Exactly who I'm supposed to be
Is anyone better than me?
Come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
Trump Land
If at first you don't suceed, blame someone else and move on
that's what my Daddy told me when he bought and sold Saigon
So, my immigration ban was not so popular. Astonishing.
well, the next one will get through, without admonishing
I'll start with Germany, Britain, the Isle of Man and France
Germany is obvious, with Hitler still around, I cannot take a chance
Britain, well Theresa 'turned me down' you know; true honey
then there's that Speaker clown Bilko, I used to find him funny
the French have a language I don't understand, which I hate
AND they made us pay $15 million for Louisiana! straight!
in fact while we are in Yorup, the not-so-wonderful "EU"
anyone who runs a song contest like that must be full of poo
the Japanese, well what can I say? I was reminded by my barber
we still cannot forgive them - what they did to Pearl Harbour
Africa is incontinent - you heard that right my friends
enough to give anyone - especially us - the bends
Of course I support Israel building wherever they like
We don't want them coming here do we? - go and take a hike
the Muslim population over in the Middle East
they are not coming here to share in our own feast!
Oh, so I forgot to mention that little Isle of Man to you
well, a place that has no beautiful women - barred; true
the Chinese sell us $347 billion more stuff than we sell them each year
until we cut that figure will I let them come and live here?
the Aussies and their kangaroos that play that silly cricket
they and their neighbours are forever on a sticky wicket
and do not forget my friends the great wall with Mexico
it's not just for them; all the southern countries can go-
and that my friends just leaves the home of fried mars bars
the home of my dear mother, who can't make their own cars
when Nichola - who loves me by the way - leaves Britain
the Scots will be welcome - except for those in prison
so there it is - my new executive order - first class
remember - always - think big and kick ass
Reporter: "We are now going over to the live telephone debate between Nichola Sturgeon and Theresa May regarding the possibility of another independent referendum".
I will, so I will, [said Nichola in a huff]
Go on then, [said Theresa, calling her bluff]
This time will be a resounding AYE!
You're as popular as a stale pork pie!
It's all your fault, for the Brickshit
It's what's best for all, you wee dimwit
I've got the Donald on my side
No, he says I'm his new joy and pride
Oh, but we've got Alex, so we have too
That's your problem, silly moo
I warned you it would come to this
Here's my @*&$, give it a kiss
You've just one final, last wee chance
I shall not give a second glance
Tomorrow I shall name the date
Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait, CANNOT WAIT!
You'll be sorry when we've gone
Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait, COME ON!
Reporter: "well that seems to be the end of this debate for now".
Do you think we gave them enough to be getting on with Hon?
Yes, I can see the headlines now, ha ha
Yes, they'll be besides themselves, ha ha, love you Hon
You too wee one, bye
Miss Reid got the sack for mis-reading the news.
Liecester City ack boss Ranieri??
Liecester City sack boss Ranieri?
Liecester City hack boss Ranieri to death?
Liecester City lack boss, Ranieri resigns?
Liecester City pack boss Ranieri's belongings as he moves house?
Liecester City whack boss Ranieri in play fight?
Liecester City crack up at boss Ranieri's joke
Liecester City frack boss Ranieri's back garden?
Liecester City acknowledge boss Ranieri is great?
Liecester City acknowledge boss Ranieri's time is up?
Liecester City rack boss Ranieri's brain for ideas?
Liecester City tack boss Ranieri's horse?
Liecester City black boss Ranieri's training?
Liecester City tackle boss Ranieri in 5-a-side game?
Liecester City crack boss Ranieri's puzzle
Liecester City ack-ack boss Ranieri's plane?
Liecester City BACK boss Ranieri!!!
Overheard in Washington
Reporter: What do you say to Speaker Bercow's insistence that he will not allow
you to speak in the Houses of Parliament when you visit London?
DT: Look, the Queen will see to it that I get to speak to her Lords and Dames. She
loves me. She said I was beautiful and great.
Reporter: She told you that?
DT: Not exactly, she called me the other day, just as I was taking a putt at the 14th,
so I handed the phone to my Secretary who was caddying. She told my secretary "Donald is
beautiful". Unlike her craggy old husband. Period.
Reporter: So what exactly will you say to them?
DT: WEll, I'll remind them that I am a very rich and successful businessman and that all
women love me and if they treat me with respect I can help them. Not to become beautiful
like me but to be successful. Not AS successful as me, but more successful than they have
achieved so far. Simple. And I'll teach them how to attract beautiful women. Not as beautiful
as the women that are attracted to ME, but better than those that are attacted to them presently.
Reporter: What about trade between our two countries?
DT: WEll, I'll tell them that when they do the Brickshit thing we can talk. I can guarantee
that the Scottish - who I love by the way, and they love me - can still send their whisky - which
I love too and it loves me - to America. But, you know there is a difference of about one and one
half billion dollars each month in goods between us, so we need to reduce how much we are paying them...
Reporter: Finally, for now, what will you say to them about NATO and President Putin?
DT: That I'm all for the NATO thing and I'm gonna suggest we expand it to include all the North
Atlantic countries, and maybe even Russia, becuase I love Putin and he loves me. He told me. He said
"Donald, how do manage to get such beautiful women to love you?" I said, "Vlad, you need to work on
that body, and I'll give you a few more tips". But they are personal. Between him and me. Trust me, I'l
l be good for him. I have to go now, I promised Melania I'd let her wax my legs...
When it was first suggested that the harrier should
be discontinued, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown
agreed, thinking it was the bird.
Nichola has been training
whilst it's bleedin' raining
she thinks it's entertaining
for loyal Scots remaining
so in the staff canteen
they made it quite a scene
to change how it has been
last verse "God Save The Queen"
for them who do not knows
or working class 'dunnos'
not been to Royal shows
this is how it goes:
Lord grant that Marshal Wade
May by thy mighty aid Victory bring
May he sedition hush
And like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush
God save the Queen
you may have read about lots of news that is fake
but, not to worry, it doesn't keep me awake
we all know you can't believe all that you read
P.S. did you know Prince Charles is really a Swede?
you just cannot trust what the media say
by the way, the Queen hates Theresa May
in the newspapers there is so much that's trash
I hear that for Nigel to meet Trump he paid 10,000 dollars (cash)
the BBC are as bad - on a slow news day they just make up tales
according to his wife (she told me), Boris paints his toenails
you even hear fake stuff on the local radio news
but believe me - after Brickshit, Prince William will live in Toulouse
anyway, don't think that fake news will have the upper hand
as far as I'm concerned, on this site it's banned...
James Murdoch making a cup of tea for his Father:
"Do you want sugar daddy?"
May had a little problem
May had a little problem
called Brexit so and so
and everywhere that May went
the problem was sure to go
It followed her to Brussels one day
which was against the Article 50 rule
it made the other countries laugh and say:
"you are a silly fool"
And so the President turned it out
but it still lingered on
so they waited patiently
'til May had left and gone
Eventually there was much talk
about the Brexit deal
Britain wanted cheese and chalk
but they just said "get real"
May went back and said "OK"
"we're off despite forbiddance"
hoping they would say "please stay"
but they just said "good riddance!"
So are the electrolyte.
Runner Bean's Jimmy Connors 2017
I waited for the honours list
but missed out once again
it seems unfair I was not told
having waited in the rain
Many names I do not know
deserving cases cannot lose
but turning up for work each day
and cleaning politicians' shoes?
"Services to global tax policy
and tax payers" was one
sounds suspiciously like a job description
and must be rather fun
"tackling tax non-compliance
and tax avoidance" another
surely was a job inherited
on retirement of her mother
But most deserving(?) of them all
"services to immigration policy
(and border security)..."
Just how successful was he?
I'm not a friend of Theresa,
The Queen or Elton John
and that appears to be my loss
my chances all but gone
Perhaps next time I'll try again
and throw some sumptuous parties
but money won't be changing hands
I only give out smarties.
Mussels, like us, have muscles.
No wonder they are confused.
What will you do with your extra second
on New Year's Eve when it's nearly midnight?
give someone near you an extra peck
shout out loud "what the feck!"
pick a bogey from your nose
shout to your partner "I propose!"
give the birthday boy an extra bump
shout out loud "eff off Trump!"
pour yourself even more wine
shout to a stranger "please be mine!"
have an extra drag of your fag
ask your neighbour "fancy a ....?!"
put another chocolate in your mouth
shout out loud "it's great down South!"
have another slurp of beer
ask the milkman "are you queer?!"
kiss the visitor from Fife
ask her nicely "don't tell the wife"
have a sneaky look at nearest exit
shout out loud "I voted Brexit!"
scratch your head behind an ear
shout out loud "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
Sheriffs in the US don't carry a magnum these days
because - due to global warming - it would melt.
A song for Christmas (they can't all be jolly)
thought you'd stay
i thought you'd stay
you went away
now here i lay
what can i say
i miss your way again today
i have no clue
what will i do
i dread that you
are going to
find someone new and make me blue
since we first met
we never let
our passion get
away, and yet
do not forget our lips were wet
this time of year the day draws near since you're not here
and all my fear becoming clear you won't appear
i really pine
your eyes that shine
bodies entwine
i want you mine
and down the line things will be fine
our love was bright
throughout the night
no need for light
since you took flight
you're out of sight that can't be right
i can't let go
i hope you know
i've told you so
despair, although
it waits, pillow for tomorrow
this time of year the day draws near since you're not here
and all my fear becoming clear you won't appear
my heart it screams
where are my dreams
the rain it teems
or so it seems
no smiling beams my eyes cry streams
this time of year the day draws near since you're not here
and all my fear becoming clear you won't appear
the spirits came
and called your name
i feel no shame
i cry the same
for who's to blame this dying game
Soon be christmas, yes it will
bet you can't wait to get the bill
not bothered myself, living alone
will stay in my own comfort zone
I am waiting, licking my chops
for easter eggs to get in the shops
before that though - another line
all that goes with valentine
syrupy cards, chocolate and wine
enough to make a shivery spine
but that's what shops, they do the best
persuade a dog to wear a vest
don't think bargains there for you
if they were, there'd be a queue
How does one wrap a parcel of land?
I've been asked to come up with some new advertising slogans:
(smaller) Mars bars - a mars a day helps you work, rest OR play
(smaller) Kit kats - have a mini-break, have a kit-kat
Nike - Just buy it!
Milk Tray - and all because the lady's not worth decent chocolate
John Lewis - never knowingly understaffed
Tesco - every little helps Lidl get better
Subway - eat it now because it may not be that fresh
KFC - sometimes, licking your finger is not good
Heinz Beans - Beanz meanz Heinz carnt spel
Frosties - they're gr-r-ross
Ronseal - it does exactly what the missus wants
Microsoft - where did you want to go today but couldn't?
Schweppes - Schhh... we sold out to you-know-who
Nigel Farage says that he wants to be the "bridge between the UK and
(new) US Governments when Donald Trump becomes President. So, it got me thinking:
'Bridge over troubled water'?
Meanwhile, Alex Salmond has been banging on (again) about the Scots
having another referendum, which he is confident they would win:
'(E) You to me are Everything'
Theresa May on George Osbourne's continual (unwanted) asides:
'We don't talk anymore'
The EU Leaders that politely ignored Theresa May in Brussels this week:
'Don't stand so close to me'
BA cabin staff, Post Office staff, baggage handlers are among those joining Southern Trains
staff in striking this week:
'Bringing on back the Good Times'
A man went into the hairdressers:
"My hair has receded, can I have it reseeded?"
I'm glad I'm not an expert; oh yes I am
although I thought I would be when I was in my pram
the weatherman tells us there's going to be a storm
but it often turns out to be quite still and warm
the economists tell us we're going down the drain
but everyone has SPEND-SPEND-SPEND on the brain
the scientists - the ones with blackboard and easel
told us to buy cars that run on diesel!
the housing experts tell us that the market is blue
the next thing you know - the opposite is true
the football 'pundits' tell us that Leicester will fatigue
but at the end of the season they win the bleedin' league
the environmentalists tells us that earth is doomed
the next thing you know an extinct flower has bloomed
the market researchers told us Remainers would prevail
but that's not what happened in Wensleydale
Finally - for now - what about the BBC and the Press
they could make you want to go to Dungeoness
The double-agent found himself in Moscow during the winter, but he wouldn't
venture out because even the pavements were treacherous.
The Rolling Stones' album at number 1?
showing the youngsters just how it's done
there is no denying they'll not fade away
when ready they'll go out with a bang - and how
you can then safely say it's all over now
Some woman complaing about wiki site
too many profiles of men is that right?
but what is expected when more men are famous
and more likely to be a complete ignoramus
how many mass murderers and serial killers
were women, or famous for being Priscilla?
how many women led their country to war
or scored a great goal to level the score?
and how many women started their big own business
or a whole country did manage to repress?
if you women want equal this, that and rights
you need to get down the pub more at nights
leave the old man at home with the young baby
arrive home at midnight, or one o'clock maybe
and when he complains about your neglect
start talking about football, to change the subject
and then when you get to the top of the tree
you'll get your own entry on wiki - for free!
I rang the Police: "My friend has just killed his Dad!"
Policeman: "How do you know?"
Me: "He's just returned from golf and said he 'got Pa'.".
This time of year, Time do announce
"Person of the Year", or thereabouts
this year it could have been me, even you
or the girl next door - she's done well too
but no, we've all been brought down with a bump
they've named the President-Elect, Donald Trump
it comes with a caveat: "for better or for worse"
I can't comment further, in a civilised verse
it remains to be seen, in the year still to come
if he acts like Tweedledee or his mate Tweedledum
Meanwhile, back in the Parliament House
they have been arguing, everyman and his spouse
but finally agree on the Brexit timetable
to start when Theresa is ready and able
never mind the Supreme Court is still undecided
some would go further and say they're misguided
but the Scots, Irish, Welsh, Liberal berks
have their own spanner to throw in the works
so at end of another day chewing the cud
this Brexit thing is still clear as mud
And before you go spend that last new blue fiver
on a burger, a pint or another screwdriver
check that the number is not - - -
if it is, it's worth quite a lot of nice cash
twenty grand or more is the sum that they quote
which is quite a lot for a new five pound note
of course if a vegetarian or vegan person, say
found one, they'd most likely give it away!
I drove to the bank today to meet my wife who had gone
to collect some gold, and when I opened my car door in got my wife.
So, Iceland the country (that's very cold)
doesn't like Iceland the shop (they're not as old)
whatever happens next could have repercusions
which could lead to some strange discussions
Brazil could stop us eating nuts (that's nuts)
China could stop us using crockery - no ifs or buts
Jersey could stop us wearing woolies
(particularly bad if Cardigan joined, the bullies)
Japan would stop us blackening our screws
The Virgin Isles - now that's bad news
Panama - no more hats, cigars
Greece - no more lubricating parts of our cars
even the UK could stop us being united (oh, too late)
but no more Jordan - hey that's great!
But what if BIG companies retaliated?
some that are even - surprisingly - hated
Apple could stop us eating fruit from certain trees
Orange would bring the citrus fruit market to its knees
Total (oil) would not allow us to add up
EADS (airbus) would stop us tossing a coin - yup!
Nestle would stop us cuddling into the bosom of a loved one
Alphabet (Google) would ban the ABC - that's no fun
Home Depot would not allow us, well, home - nowhere to stay!
but Johnson and Johnson would ban ... Boris - hooray!
Do you really need any more confusion today?
Because the OPEC blokes decided
to cut production, maybe misguided
so oil is set to rise in cost
just when you need it to offset frost
or drive your car instead of walking
why not cycle? now you're talking
or take the bus, the tube or train
let the driver take the strain
of course you need to pick a day
when they're not striking for more pay
or in the case of southern trains, cor!
they're arguing who shuts the door!
and ticket office closures underground
mean tube strikes for another round
I've been through it in my time
now I just sit here and rhyme
eating lots of bread and honey
trying to be just a trifle funny
I know, some can do it without trying
like Nigel, now he gets me crying
Is a squaddie pressing his uniform a soldering iron?
In case you hadn't noticed, sat in the pubs and bars
the "Trace Gas Orbiter" has arrived quite close to Mars
it's taken lots of pictures, to the scientists' delight
good job it was in daytime and not during the night
it seems they want to send another landing craft
the first one they sent crashed, the driver was quite daft
it's costing lots of money which could best be spent elsewhere
but when the martians invade us - if they bleedin' dare
we'll know just what they look like
just don't give them your name Pike!
The kitchen was getting steamy so I set off to buy an extractor fan.
The man in the shop directed me to a retired farmer up the road.
So Hamilton won the race, but lost the title
the race when he had a puncture was vital
instead of calling his crew on the intercom
he contacted "we-fix-any-puncture.com"
they took a week to fix the bleedin' thing
whilst Lewis sat waiting on the wing
never mind eh, there's always next year
provided Lewis gets his act in gear (!)
So Mourinho sent to stands again
he is fast becoming referees' pain
but kicking water bottle not good example
if his players try a similar sample
they may forget to kick the ball
which in turn could be their downfall
if they slip further down the table
manager's job given to my Aunt Mabel
she's no expert, won't work full-time
but i somehow had to make it rhyme
Meanwhile over in Wisconsin, USA
they're recounting votes, but hey
you didn't expect a simple path
from Trump Tower to White House bath?
I hear from my American lads
they may well find some "hanging chads"
but I have a plan for any trouble there
quite simply, we sould send - Tony Blair
The check-in girl asked if I was going to Thailand.
I answered "yeah, siam".
Hillary is saved from jail
Donald has turned tail
part of the new wall will be fence
that will save a few pence
'Obamacare' will not be busted
the whole thing might just be adjusted
not all muslims will be barred
but their entry will be hard
all illegal immigrants to be sent away?
now only those who criminally stray
is Mr T now going soft?
no, he'll hold his head aloft
he's learning now, despite his gob
it's always easier to do someone else's job
pigeons do not speak pidgin.
Murray took on Djokovic to stay as No 1
it's not about the money - it's just a lot of fun
so this year he's won himself about thirteen mil
looking at the figure just makes me feel quite ill
but before you get too hot there underneath your collars
i should add that the figure is only, just in US dollars
his elder brother Jamie - now he is also handy
world number one in doubles, the same as young Andy
he doesn't earn as much as Andy - that's a bleedin' shame
but not to worry 'cos he says it's just his favourite game
meanwhile, who gets more than Andy?, only poor old Rooney
but to compare their performances would be rather looney
anyway, i'm sure you know, although i've said my bit
anyone could earn that much: just write a Christmas hit
A friend of mine became a Nun; she didn't like
the dress, but soon got in the habit
Important news today from the BBC
about the price of supporting football, you see
tickets, tea and replica shirts
and the cost in your pocket, where it hurts
you have to go 'far' for cheap pie and tea
but only because it's "Forfar" you see
a couple of quid is all it would cost
not much to stomach - even if they've lost
but at the London Stadium - home of West Ham
just a pie costs four pounds, without any jam
if you want to wear someone's replica shirt
fifty pounds is the top wack, if you're a convert
but if you support a european team; you did?
then a shirt will cost you nearly eighty quid
ninety seven pounds to watch the Gunners
for that you'd want to see lots of runners
but if you go and see lowly Crawley Town
you can watch that lot for half a crown
A friend had to pay for his vasectomy,
but at £12.50 it was a snip
What's this I hear?
Nigel to be a life Peer?
Of course it's only rumour
or maybe it's a bloomer
he's no worse than some others
nominated by their mothers
and he has worked very hard
and all without a bodyguard
he does appear to be disjointed
but he may be disappointed
hoping to assist new president
but can't become a US resident
still, if he gets to be a peer
westminster needs a lot more beer
I had a german sausage at the week-end;
it was the wurst i had ever eaten
Overheard at the US Immigration Control Help Desk:
Operator: Howdee, how can I help you today?
Nigel Farage: Hello, yes, I'm calling about my fast-track residency application
Op: (laughs) Siiir, you would need to know the President in person to get a fast track residency these days
Nigel: WEll, I do, at least Mr Trump: President Elect...
Op (laughs again) Siiir, Donald Trump has as much chance of winning the vote next week as Chicago Cubs winning a World Series. That's Baseball.
Nigel: Where have you been you cretin? Mr Trump DID win the election that was LAST week. And I have been selected personally by Mr Trump to be part of his Team. And by the way, Chicago Cubs did win the World Series. Where have you been you Cretin? Mars?
Op: What? he won!! OMG!! I've been on vacation actually, a little place called England; that's in Oorope. Apparently, they won a world series once. I don't know how because it's difficult to get around the place the roads are soooo tiny. And they've got this thing called Brickshit going on which means they are going to fight NATO. And apparently, the guy that instigated the whole thing was sucking up to Donald Trump in the -
Nigel: Never mind that you Cretin, what about my application?
Op: OK, Sir, what's your full name? And your current Nationality?
Nigel: I'm English and my name is Nigel Pau-
Op: Nigel?? I LOVE your cookin' programmes! You don't sound like you do on the TV though, I -
Nigel: Nigel, not Nigella, you Cretin, Nigel Paul Farage
Op: How do you spell that Frage bit...?
Nigel: FARAGE! F A R A G E. Farage!
Op: Sounds French if you don't mind me saying so Sir
Nigel: It is French, but one of my great Grandparents was actually German and I -
Op: So what is it Sir, are you English, French, German or European?
Nigel: I am a British Citizen
Op: Now you are complicating matters Sir. What's it to be?
NIgel (sighing) For the purposes of my application, I am BRITISH!
Op: Right... OK, I've found you here
Nigel: At last!
Op: There's a note - attached last week - saying that you are a leader of the banned movement Oohkip and -
Nigel: YOU kip. YOU kip, and it's not a 'banned movement' it's a proper political party in the YOU Kay!
Op: OohKay, where the hell is that now?
Nigel: The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland to give it its correct title. It consists of England, Scotland, Wales, North-
Op: What? You are Scottish now? Gee, Sir you are one complicated fella. Hold on, there's another note attached; yesterday.
Nigel: Whatsitsay?
Op: It says, and I am -
Nigel: Hello? ... Hello? ... Hello? .... bugger
to be continued...
I told the builder that I wanted underfloor heating,
so he laid the radiators under the carpet.
President-Elect Trump holds a press conference to allay fears that he may not uphold some of his pre-election "promises".
I am going to build a wall - a wall of flowers, shrubs and trees - along the border with Mexico. The North American Native Plant Society is going to be in charge, and they will choose which plants to use. And Mexico is going to play for it. We are going to play them at various sports and the losers pay for the wall. Simple. Of course, we will win every game. Simple. And the wall is going to be beautiful.
I said I would get rid of Obamacare and I will. I am going to keep the legislation, but call it Trumpcare(s). Of course I do.
I am going to take care of women. As long as they are young and beautiful, and they come to me, then I will take care of them. Melania doesn't mind. Honest, she doesn't.
I am going to ban the importation of muslin to the United States. You know, most of it comes from China, and I am going to make sure that our people get back to producing the stuff in our own factories.
Hillary Clinton IS going to prison! I am going to put Secretary Clinton in charge of the Prison reforms. She is going to sort out the mess that they are in. And she will do a wonderful job.
I am going to "strengthen the military". By the time I take office, all military personnel willl be taking daily weight training in order to increase their strength. Those that fail will be put behind a desk for six months and then discharged. Period.
I am not going to jump into bed with Putin! He's not gay and neither am I! Ask Melania!
I am going to send back - yes, send back - all the Syrian refugees aged 100 plus. They will be on the next plane out of here.
I am going to stop spending money on space. We spend trillions of dollars on it every year. We need to fix our own Country first. So if you have got a spare space in your house, watch out, I'm coming for you.
I am going to bring back 'waterboarding'. My own family love it. Without it The Beach Boys would never be famous!
I am not going to take a vacation whilst I am in the white house. But I have a golfing week-end booked, so I have to leave it there for now. I'll come back next week and tell you more. But in the meantime I will say this to anyone who thinks I will not honor my promises... I am now a fully-fledged "Politician" in the true sense of the word. I will just say this, and you can quote me on this: "They were only promises".
Asked what he thought of Katmandu, Mr Trump said:
"anything that man can do, I can do better. Trust me".
Overheard at the Foreign Office:
Donald Trump: Hello?
Boris: Hello Donald you old Haggis, it's Boris
DT: Remind me...
BJ: (coughs) ...Boris Johnson, Foreign Secretary of the United Kingdom. I am calling to congratulate you on your splendid victory and to say that I am looking forward to working with your administration
DT: Oh yes, Mr Johnson. How's your handicap?
BJ: ER, ... I don't have a handicap, it's just the way I talk
DT: Oh? Is that the same Mr Johnson who would not invite me to London in case I met some of your countrymen?
BJ: WEll (laughs nervously) ... well, of course that was in the heat of the mo. You will, of course be very welcome and I am sure my Prime Minister will be hoping you pay us a visit very soon.
DT: Fancy me then does she? Most women do you know. Well, from what I've seen, I'd be better off with that young princess gal, whatsername?
BJ: Oh... well, I, er am not sure which one you mean -
DT: I didn't mean to win you know. Who the hell expected that?!
BJ: I know the feeling
DT: Your Brickshit thing?
BJ: Yes, er Brexit. I didn't expect to win either. I -
DT: But you came out of it OK. What can I do? Two months and I'm the President of the most beautiful, powerful country on the planet!
BJ: WEll, you could disappear for a while
DT: Yeah! Great idea. But how? I must be the most recognised person on that same planet right now!
BJ: WEll, if you shave your head, grow a beard and lose a bit of weight, no-one would recognise you. You could hide out in my pad near Henley. Who the hell would expect that! You could change your name.
DT: To what?
BJ: I dunno... how about Bob McFartface?
DT: Sounds good. Any golf in the neighbourhood?
BJ: Yes, there's a pitch and putt just round the corner and -
DT: Great! What about Musslims?...
BJ: Ah, well...
Operator: Mr Johnson, shall I put you through to Mr Trump now?
BJ: Oh! Yes! Right. OMBG! Yes! Er... I was just practising... I -
Operator: Of course Sir. Wait a moment...
BJ: (to himself)... OMG - er "Hello Mr Trump. Congrat -
Operator: I'm sorry Sir, he will not speak to you. His Secretary asked me to say that he thinks you are a Dickhead and you should go service the Prime Minister.
BJ: Oh, right. Yes... tell her... er thanks very much.
Dobbin Good
Donald Trump Donald Trump always going swimmin'
Donald Trump Donald Trump with his men and wimmin'
Feared by the good, loved by the bad
Donald Trump Donald Trump Donald Trump
He called Republicans in the House
even though they didn't like his spouse
They voted to help him win his fair share
even though they didn't like his hair
He came to washington with a feather instead of hair
and blasphemed all; he didn't care
His tongue was always ready, and he kept his remarks tall
especially when it came to building his new wall
Donald Trump Donald Trump always going swimming
Donald Trump Donald Trump with his men and wimmin
Feared by the good, loved by the bad
Donald Trump Donald Trump Donald Trump
With Nigel Farage and Ms Conway they had a roguish look,
He captured all the money that the taxman never took
they did the deed the others wouldn't dare
and still they joked about his hair
And on the day, when all said and done
he was quite shocked; it was just fun
but now that he'll be president
he'll must expel many a resident
Donald Trump Donald Trump always going swimming
Donald Trump Donald Trump with his men and wimmin
Feared by the good, loved by the bad
Donald Trump Donald Trump Donald Trump
I went to Bikini in the Marshall Islands
and they charged me a toll
There is less than a week still to go
who isn't sick of the whole goddam show?
But don't you worry; have no fear
you won't read anything about it on here
there's nothing to say about the subject
it would surely show you some disrespect
it seems that both sides are vehemently hated
their own tribal following is not overstated
One side attacks, the others defend
there seems no limit to the money they spend
who will be the main player, no-one can say
it will need a strong arbiter to see fair play
who gets ahead first may still not prevail
another own goal could still see them fail
to the winner - Obama, the loser - Mugabe
ah, there's nothing quite like the North London Derby
I was surprised when the server asked
if I wanted anything on my cheese
sandwhich, and I got myself in a right pickle.
The Pensioner Song
(with apologies to Monty Python)
I'm a pensioner and I'm all right
I forget today but can't sleep at night
I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh
I often lead myself up the garden path
I potter about and I volunteer
but I don't smoke or drink any beer
I've not much hair I have to say
and what there is, it's mostly grey
I potter about and I volunteer
I don't drive a car 'cos it's much too dear
I like to go out riding on my bike
or bus to the fells and go for a hike
I'm a pensioner and I'm all right
I forget today but can't sleep at night
I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh
I often lead myself up the garden path
I potter about and I volunteer
I'm embarrassed by my laughing gear
I don't eat toffee or steaks of beef
'cos I have lost a lot of my teeth
I potter about and I volunteer
I can't remember what I did last year
I don't watch TV, well just a bit
much of it thinks I am a dimwit
I'm a pensioner and I'm all right
I forget today but can't sleep at night
I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh
I often lead myself up the garden path
I potter about and I volunteer
I can touch my toes but not my left ear
I don't have a wife to boss me about
the downside is I have to go without
I potter about and I volunteer
I met a nice lady down Buttermere
she took me to her house and made me glad
but by the next day I'd fogotten what I'd had
I'm a pensioner and I'm all right
I forget today but can't sleep at night
I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh
but now I going off for a bath
The recipe said I should knead the dough, so
I kneed it, but had to wash my trousers after.
The Heathrow Song
Welcoming the first plane to arrive on
the third runway c20whenever
She'll be coming down the runway when she comes
she'll be coming down the runway when she comes
she'll be coming down the runway
coming down the runway
she'll be coming down the runway when she comes
She'll be carrying lots of people when she comes
She'll be carrying lots of people when she comes
she'll be carrying lot of people
carrying lot of people
she'll be carrying lots of people when she comes
It will cost a lot of billions when she comes
It will cost a lot of billions when she comes
it will cost a lot of billions
cost a lot of billions
it will cost a lot of billions when she comes
Oh, we'll all go out to greet her when she comes
Oh, we'll all go out to greet her when she comes
Oh, we'll all go out to greet her
all go out to greet her
we will all go out to greet her when she comes
We will protest loud and clear when she comes
We will protest loud and clear when she comes
We will protest loud and clear
protest loud and clear
we will protest loud and clear when she comes
We will all fly off on holiday when she comes
We will all fly off on holiday when she comes
We will all fly off on holiday
all fly off on holiday
we will all fly off on holiday when she comes
We'll be hypocrites when she comes that's for sure
We'll be hypocrites when she comes that's for sure
We'll be hypocrites when she comes
hypocrites when she comes
we'll be hypocrites when she comes that's for sure
Ford cars have been around since about 1903.
The Norwegian Fjords have been around since the last ice age.
PARTy Leader. MUST:
Have experience of using public transport and able to read timetables (or ask someone to explain).
Be willing to use own house for meetings (with Spouse to do the catering).
Be unknown in the UK (except to the other fifteen party members).
Have a hat to 'throw into the ring'.
Throw one's hat into aforementioned ring on time (i.e. BEFORE the deadline).
Be able to spurn advances of Nigel Farage (he used to be the Party Leader). No, the one before her.
Know what the job entails before you apply.
Name the last time England won the 1966 World Cup.
Not be called Neil Hamilton.
Not be called Christine Hamilton.
Apply to be leader of UKIP (see above).
The Tory Party conference is underway
but try not to let that spoil your day
during the week there will be laughs
good job they don't use a polygraph
MPs would surely go off the scale
as their behaviour goes beyond the pale
still, it gives the Labour 'opposition'
a chance to moan; no juxtaposition
as if anyone has all the answers
'bout letting in more foreign dancers
then next Monday back to the House
where they can openly moan and grouse
People are fussy: they make a pig's ear of things, they eat pigmeat,
they wear pigskin leather, buy a 'pig in a poke', they have pigtails
in their hair, make a pig of themself, use pigment to make paint,
some even live in a 'pigsty'; but serve them pigswill...
Overheard at the Arsenal training ground as a
reporter is introduced to some of the players:
"This is Callum Chambers, we call him Cal for short;
Petr Czech, Pet for short; Mohamed Elneny, Mo for short;
Olivier Giroud, Oli for short; the Manager Arsene Wenger..."
The front wheel on my bike was working fine,
until someone put a spoke in it.
Due to the wonders of (not-so-modern) technology Cliff Richard is to make a record with Elvis. They never met but this is how a phone call conversation may have gone:
Cliff: One night-I could easily (fall in love)-with you-my boy
Elvis: Don't-you're the devil in disguise-too much
Cliff: Do you wanna dance-on the beach-(cos i'm) stuck on you-it's only love
Elvis: I'm looking out the window-in the ghetto-I'm all shook up
Cliff: Please don't tease-I love you- it's now or never-(you are) always on my mind
Elvis: Are you lonesome tonight?-the day I met Marie-she's not you-(she's my) living doll
Cliff: Lucky lips-she's the girl of my best friend-devil woman-let me be your teddy bear
Elvis: Move it-way down-bachelor boy
Cliff: surrender-miss you nights...
Elvis: I just can't help believing-You ain't nothin' but a hound dog
Cliff: ...constantly
Elvis: Alright, OK, you win-it'll be me!
A Bishop can only move diagonally?
"...build a fairer Britain in a peaceful world"
that's what Mr Corbyn said
if he read the papers or watched the news
he'd see that the 'world' is in a state of dread
I'm not one to shout about doom and gloom
but it's not just the markets going bust and boom
there are 'wars' here and there, many years long
bombers and gunmen, knife-wielders too
attacking the people who have done no wrong
but there are two major problems he didn't address
he can read about it most days in our own press
what will he do 'bout the new England boss
it's not just Sam's salary that's at a loss
and what about Rooney - should he should not?
so come on Mr Corbyn, please stop the football rot
Vagabondage: yes, they do it on the streets too apparently.
Big Sam's stopped blowin' bubbles
he got himself in troubles
he flew so high, nearly touched the sky
then his dreams did fade and die
the next question's not why but when and who
it could be 'him' or me or you
but it would be quite looney
to select Wayne Rooney
perhaps in these days of 'equal rights'
it could be a woman from the Isle of Wight
but prob'ly best not to go down that route
but to get a young bloke dressed in a suit
then just when you think that he's doing ok
he'll be off out, home, on his way
even if he wins his first away game
he'll miss his mum's knitting, oh what a shame
A dodgy looking bloke approached me in the street, looking
for "the local dealer". I told him I never played cards.
2020 living wage to be £10 an hour
if Labour somehow come to power
the problem is, and here's the rub
there's more chance seeing me down the pub
but much can happen in four years
there will be much more strife and tears
some things of course can be foreseen
England failing at world cup 2016
the guv'nor at the b of E
changing his mind from plan A to B
and most importantly of all
there'll be a new book of Mr Small
no-one will watch premiership football
and Mourinho manager of South Cornwall
A magazine can be quite entertaining,
unless it contains bullets
A mate used to work down the pit; now he's an examiner
There was a ex PM called Blair
who became a multi-millionnaire
he made lots of money
without being funny
that's why he drives us to despair
My teacher once said I was a dolt.
"But I'm only 12" I said.
It's Labour that and Labour this
they really are taking the ****
they can't decide on anyfinck
except they're going down the sink
opposition party? that's a joke
they are letting down the working folk
he'll reunite them Corbyn did quote
if he wins forthcoming vote
I thought that's what he did last year
instead he's made bleedin' pig's ear
Ma might give me something yummy in my sandwich
drivers on the road using the dog and bone
is something i cannot ever condone
it's dangerous at the very least
to text and drive a powerful beast
i hope the police will stamp it out
perhaps sit in bushes at each roundabout
people who do this must be deranged
i hope ... - hold on a sec the lights have changed
Stag dos are OK, but I have never
been a very good shot
so UKIP choose another leader
she must be a (un)lucky bleeder
now I'm not one to play odd games
but who the **** is Diane James?
anyway, with not a little baiting
"We're the opposition party-in-waiting"
shame they've only one MP
what's that you say, "who the **** is he?"
Grub is nice to eat
unless it's a beetle grub
i don't give a fig for bake-off
i prefer to make my own cakes to scoff
i don't care much for Mary Berry
i'd rather watch my mum skin a cherry
i'm not that keen on the others in the show
i'd rather read a book by Defoe
but for all that said, when it goes to channel four
i shall miss it more and more and more
because it keeps the country happy
that makes me a contented chappie
It takes a woman about nine months to go into labour,
but I can sign up in a couple of minutes online.
Mr Cameron is resigning
to do some kitchen designing
he doesn't want to be a "distraction"
which shows his dissatisfaction
of course he wanted to 'remain'
and to leave is such a pain
but there'll be sev'ral leaving parties
with some cake covered in smarties
then he'll go on holiday
to Bognor, maybe Colonsay
and get on with his new life
as husband, Dad with pretty wife
Basil is as daft as a brush
but useful in cooking
the palace of westminster is falling down falling down
mister speaker
build it up with posh new bars posh new bars
mister speaker
the posh new bars will soon run dry soon run dry
mister speaker
then build it up with lots more dosh lots more dosh
mister speaker
the public can't even afford their nosh afford their nosh
mister speaker
let them eat just humble pie humble pie
mister speaker
what about the ministers the ministers
mister speaker
we'll be ok in the new posh bars new posh bars
mister speaker
the more speed you take
the less haste you make
it's nearly twenty years since the 'white van man'
became the butt of jokes, like the caravan
considered inconsiderate and working class
it's even funnier now that it came to pass
that white is the favourite colour for a car
whether you eat burgers or caviar
but fashions, they come and then they go
you'd think clever people would know better, so
a man must be very dumb or just a jerk
to pay thirty grand for new white merc
It's great being an adult
but I don't like being called a dolt
where have all the village bobbies gone
long time passing
gone to squad cars everyone
where have all the squad cars gone
long time passing
been in accidents everyone
where have all the accident cars gone
long time passing
gone to scrap yards everyone
where have all the scrap yard cars gone
long time passing
become 'second-hand bargains' everyone
where have all the 'second-hand bargains' gone
long time passing
gone to young tearaways everyone
where have all the young tearaways gone
long time passing
become village bobbies everyone
when will they ever learn
(with apologies to Pete Seeger)
A salt and pepper pot is useful
Assault and battery is quite violent
Teresa May says Brexit will not be "plain sailing"
that's plain speaking, not wailing
she said that there will be "difficult times"
which is good for me, composing rhymes
there are still plenty of ifs, hows, whats and when
but when it's done we'll know it's then
as soon as someone knows what to do
they will do whatever it is, on cue
then someone else will follow suit
and others will no doubt contribute
then someone will sign on the dotted line
and celebrate with sparkling wine
it'll all work out, just wait and see
and everyone will be carefree
and will the brexiteers get awards?
yes, they'll all be in the House of Lords
Having Acrobat on your computer is useful
unless they are walking on a tightrope
in front of your screen
Mr Corbyn promises, if he is PM
(he's got more chance in Bethlehem)
to spend a lot of money, at least
thirty million in the poor south east
what's the point of promise
he'll never be in office
to be fair, the silly bleeder
may not even be Labour leader
it's like Leicester City, I fear
saying "we'll win the league this year"!!
The Yeti is a 'fearsome creature',
yet he has never been seen.
So Nicola has started a "new conversation"
which sounds very much like the last exhortation
rather than comment all evening long
i thought I'd just show some suitable songs:
'It's the same old song'
'We've only just begun'
'Here I go again'
'I saved the world today'
'Give me just a little more time'
'Dreams can tell a lie'
'A world of our own'
'Feel the need in me'
'The future's so bright I gotta wear shades'
and, finally, if it all goes pear-shaped:
'The bitterest pill (I ever had to swallow)'
It's good to go racing at Ascot
Nicola is a Scot
The Electoral Reform Society
that popular bastion of sobriety
has completed its Brexit report
with the following (obvious) retort:
'the campaign was dogged
by "glaring democratic deficiences"'
(trying rhyming that with fish and chips)
it appears that even 'Remainers', naive
persuaded more people to vote leave
politicians weren't just eating pork pies
but telling us lots of whopping lies
before you shout in condemnation
consider this ERC recommendation:
future referendums to have six month campaigns
seems it never spits it always rains...
sowing crops is easy
but not with a sewing needle
what do I think of that? so-so
One billion pounds in transfer fees
that's a lot for dodgy knees
no doubt some cartilige trouble too
plus a dickie heart or two
all will be revealed i'm sure
when they've played a game or four
did you notice transfer joke?
£89 million for Pogba bloke
but chap moves on for half a crown
from Manchester to Catford Town
the main question that this all leaves
how much today for Jimmy Greaves?
Tarmac makes a good road surface.
It's also a polite way to thank a Jock
overheard in a Dublin bar:
MICK: Murph, are you still working at that greengrocers in the high street?
MURPH: Sure, that I am. Why?
MICK: Well, I heard on the radio that for every apple sold, the greengrocer has to pay one hundred and six euros more in tax. How can he make a profit on that?
MURPH: I don't know. Maybe that's why today he told me to try and sell more pears.
MICK: No! don't sell them in pairs it'll cost twice as much tax!
It's good to belong, unless people are waiting for you...
bhs has closed for good
no more in your neighbourhood
struggled recent years, oh yes
stuck 'tween Primark/M&S
the staff are full of apprehension
there's not enough to pay their pension
meanwhile he - Sir Philip Green
the biggest .... (*) you've ever seen
is doing very well thank you
never short of revenue
likes to splash his dosh about
well, more than me, a lout
he may well yet make recompense
a few bob, well no offence
but two good things about the man
charitable and tottenham fan
PS> *insert your own word here (mine begins with 'c')
PPS> if his lawyer is reading, my name is "chap"
My Mum preferred ajax over vim
I prefer ajax over PSV Eindhoven
So Russia rewards its medallists
(some would say elitists)
with money and a German car
but team GB don't go that far
no matter they could try no harder
they'll make do with brand-new Lada
the team GB, they are still chuffed
but doesn't seem to be enough
there's talk aplenty of awards
like Knighthoods, Dames and House of Lords,
It's all too much, where will it end?
just because we 'spend, spend, spend'
how 'bout "Queens Award for Sport"
like those for Nursing or Export
Enterprise and Volunteers
Business, Bravery sincere
surely that would be as good
and give them street cred in their 'hood
Eating a sponge is lovely, unless your partner
has just washed their private parts with it
Wanted for the Labour Conference
"Security" - must show much ignorance
you must bring your own hard hat
flak jacket, things like that
daisy roots (steel-capped boots)
somewhat 'hard', not 'cute'
doesn't matter if gear is 'used'
must be politic'ly confused
apply in writing if you can
(sssh, preferably a Corbyn fan)
Going to the fair is good fun
have an affair can be too, but dangerous
Tom Cruise fourth on list of earners
not as if he is a learner
this year he earned just £40 million
enough for dolly bird as pillion
but spare a thought - this much is looney
it's three times more than our poor Rooney
Trumping is good if you are playing whist
otherwise it is rude
Nigel went to Mississippi
now i'm not saying he is dippy
but he went to Trump rally
it seems they are quite pally
he offered them advice
they thinking of paradise
that Trump can beat Hillary
forgetting Nigel's pillory
and his own rejection
he never won election
still, ended with all smiles
and Nigel earned air miles
There's a woman I adore, except when she slams it in my face
Down at the station, early in the morning,
See the little puffer trains, all in a row.
Here comes the driver to start up the engine,
Puff! Puff! Peep! Peep! Off we go!
Oh dear there's no seat
I'll have to stay on my feet
but first a picture just for you
me sitting down outside the loo
never mind it costs a bomb
I must behave with aplomb
after all I'm Labour leader
where's that Branson - greedy bleeder
Chuff chuff toot toot nearly there
I'll come back by taxi cab I swear
Murdering a ham sandwich is good
murdering a person is not
Food for thought
Team GB won 67 medals in Rio, courtesy of funding
to the tune of £350 million 2013-17, that's about £87.5
million a year. This is about the same as the club
wages paid to the members of the Euro 16 England
squad for the season 2015/16. And when it came to the
crunch, they were humiliated. Inspired? By who?
Watching Dave is funny
Having Dave as Prime Minister was not
All Night Tube
If you go down to the tube tonight
you're sure of a bleedin' shock
you'd better not wear a frock
for every weirdo that ever there was
will gather there for certain because
night's the time the weirdos are their weirdest
See them really run amok
they love to scare and shock
they may be drunk or high
don't think you can ignore them
watch out for horrid flying phlegm
annoying every passer-by
They'll probably cuss and swear
approch them if you dare
they may look for a fight
by six am they will have fled
and all gone home to bed instead
until to-morrow night...
(with apologies to Jimmy Kennedy)
Heroines are good
Heroin is not
Don't worry if you think
that the weather is a bummer
I hear that next month
will be an Indian summer
No, it was not a forecast
that I saw on the tele
but heard on the wireless
thanks to Radio Delhi
Theresa May, Theresa May walking through the Alps
Theresa May, Theresa May having won some scalps
who's left in charge
not Nige Farage
Theresa May, Theresa May, Theresa May...
I read the news today oh boy
about a journalist who made the 'plane
although the news was rather daft
well I just had to cringe
hence this whinge
He saw some athletes on his flight
they'd won gold medals just the other night
a crowd of passengers sat and clapped
they'd seen their faces before
nobody was really sure
if they would soon be in the House of Lords...
(Apologies to Lennon & McCartney)
Just where were you this last week-end
In the shops with money to spend?
Picnicking with fruit and cream
Or did you support your local team?
On the beach with new frisbee
perhaps you watched sport on TV
with so much choice it's hard to tell
who to watch and what to yell
Prima Donnas tumbling, diving on the floor
or do you not like football anymore?
too many medalists to mention here
but none by name of Vladimir
The Brits are doing jolly good
over in the Rio 'hood
some, of course, are millionaires
others fill in questionnaires
then they get some lottery money
which I think is very funny
for some - like Murray - it's their job
others have to earn a bob
you can't distinguish 'tween the two
all are brilliant at what they do
who's to say which skill is best?
a Murray lob or dive abreast
it's market forces that decree
who vacates in Necker, who Torquay
Laurel & Hardy, "Carry On" franchise
comedy has always put tears in our eyes
Morecombe and Wise, "Only Fools..."
amongst others, set new 'funny' rules
but now, for your pleasure
a comedic act to (not) treasure
for the dumb and the literati
I introduce... the LABOUR PARTY
Theresa, she wants Grammer Schools
but shorely they are just for fools
it done me no arm see, as a rule
to go to bleedin' Secondry School
can rite as good as any Police
as evidunced by this fine peace
GB womens rugby - great
through as group winners to last 8
forget the usual brawn v weed
these young girls are built for speed
not sure about Sir Clive's riposte
just how much did he bleedin' cost?
The biker men, they fell and lost
just how much did their gear cost?
the cobbles done it for the bikers
better off on foot like hikers
"like fish out of water" man from BBC said
should swap with swimmers; they good at tread
the season started at the cottage
down in London village
the toons were in town
but were left with a frown
so Fulham top the table
Newcastle just unable
to shoot and score
Raffa swore
EU Referendum (Afterthought)
The 'activists' were clear: half wanted to "Remain", half wanted to "Leave". The other half did not have a bleedin' clue. Three halves? No wonder there was complete and utter confusion...
the chinamen are hot under the collar
"sign the ******* agreement" they holler
but we don't want their nuclear charms
we'd rather have lots of nice wind farms
nuclear power is so passe
there are better, safer ways today
no, not lighting candles, chump
but setting fire to Donald Trump
dave's in trouble once again
he's giving honours to 'Team Remain'
but his biggest sin is plain to see
he didn't bleedin' include me!