text:
black sheep, child abuse, childhood, estranged, manipulation, mean mothers, narcissists, parental alienation, scapegoat, unforgivable
Video post by @JANICELEVINSON.
Source: Narcissism Why you were the target and why you were so special
16 Wednesday Dec 2015
Posted Childless momma, Complex Post Traumatic Disorder, Cruelty, damage, Depression, destroyed, devastation, emotional vampires, grief, loss, Narcissistic mother, Narcissists suck, Parental Alienation Syndrome, senseless cruelty, Sociopath Mother, sociopaths, Survivor, The Golden Child vs the Scapegoatin
black sheep, child abuse, childhood, estranged, manipulation, mean mothers, narcissists, parental alienation, scapegoat, unforgivable
Video post by @JANICELEVINSON.
Source: Narcissism Why you were the target and why you were so special
07 Monday Apr 2014
black sheep, child abuse, childhood, children, DENIAL, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, estranged, fear, frustration, grief, history, hopes, invisible, life, loss, loveless, manipulation, mean mothers, Mother, nightmares, parent issues, rain, sadness, sociopath, the ex, trust, unacceptable, unforgivable, unforgiven
I've reflected a lot on the "exposing your children to your narcissist abuser" issue. As stupid as it sounds (and it IS sheer ignorance), I was shocked to find that meme! To know that someone else in this world made even that critical, senseless, ridiculous error after living a lifetime of abuse, just astounds me. In the same way that I'm still frequently overwhelmed with disbelief (literal "OMFG" moments) when I read someone's words that explain situations, feelings, events, etc. that I truly not only believed were unique to MY life, but also never discussed because describing and explaining the sometimes subtle nuances of narcissistic abuse feels impossible.
…Then you read words that actually sound like they're coming from your own life…your own thoughts…things you've never discussed…and thus, couldn't possibly be copied! It's a real contradiction. I always feel shock first at identifying so well with someone's words, then I feel guilt that those words from that persons torturous hell actually make me feel validated on so many levels. Then, I feel horrified that ANY other person experienced ANY thing like my life and I'm overcome with gigantic waves of compassion for that person and my heart hurts for them and my head rages with their injustices.
It's a strange process.
As far as the exposure issue, I don't feel, for myself, that's forgivable. I sadly have realized it's one thing I may never totally absolve myself from. And worse yet, it makes me furiously angry at God! Madder at God than maybe anything else I've been mad at God for.
My narcissist mother made this choice easy for me. I can actually thank her for that. Yes, I was still living mostly in denial (desperately trying to blame myself for all the senseless pain she inflicted in my lifetime and the life handicaps that result from that). I was still praying for the miracle that it WAS my fault, I could fix me, and she would someday maybe love me.
She made that easy. Her cruelty during my first pregnancy was blatant. Or perhaps, it was the same as it always had been and I simply was becoming more aware with wisdom, experience, therapy, and age? In spite of that blatant cruelty, I still desperately begged…and begged…pleaded and jumped hoops, essentially shoving my head so far up her ass in the desperate need for a mother's love while experiencing all the fears a soon-to-be mother experiences. In short, I had never wanted or need a mother more than I did while pregnant. The sheer terror of being a mom, knowing how to be a mom, and ironically the fear of ensuring I didn't repeat my mother's example…all made me pathetically desperate for her love and acceptance.
And as any true narcissist will do, the more they sense that power of your desperation, the more cruel they become. And she did become more cruel; more openly, hatefully shamelessly cruel. Which of course, pushed me in said desperation to REALLY step up my efforts to be loved by her. Which is a snowball effect of endless insanity right there. The harder I begged, the crueler she became…the harder I begged…the crueler she became…and on and on and on…
I stupidly never intended to keep her from my child. Even when my sister gave me a blatant, chilling warning of what would happen someday if I didn't. I STILL kept praying maybe we would FINALLY bond in motherhood. FINALLY! I might have a mother at last…and my daughter might still have a grandmother! YAY! There was hope!
No. she used it all to hurt me more even while I was finally the adult who could be and should have been safe at last from her terror…independent and ready to become a mother myself. At the time when she finally no longer held ANY power over me (other than that desperate for a mother's love thing), I willingly HANDED that monster all the power to continue hurting me.
I called her when my narcissistic sex addict fiancé (identical to my mother) was cruel or abusive. She would antagonize and aggravate those feelings. I called her when I was reflecting on my fears of being a mother. She would pick, pick, pick at those fears…deepening them into absolute gaping terrors. I called her when I was scared of my baby's safety in my womb, she would encourage that fear and add a few more for good measure. I called her over trivial little struggles pregnant women have, like, Mom…I stood in the shower today and cried because I couldn't reach to shave my legs….knowing Mark (Narcissist fiancé) would tell me how disgusting I was because I was fat(i.e. 8 months pregnant) and couldn't shave my legs. My mother said, "Most husbands would be happy to help with that. It's too bad no one loves you enough to help you with that."
I called her when my cheating violent fiancé went into 30 day sex rehab treatment and I had no food. After almost four straight days without food, I started having nightmares about my starving fetus. I would literally picture those kids on the Ethiopia commercials inside my womb, crying and begging for food. So I finally felt scared and guilty enough to swallow my pride and call my mother to ask if she'd send me $40 for food for the remaining 3 weeks my fiancé would be away dealing with the fact that he couldn't keep his dick in his pants or stop beating me up after he put it inside yet another chick. My mother said, "Oh, you don't have any food? That's too bad. That's what welfare is for. Go apply for welfare." I said, "I only need a little bit of food, Mom. Mark will get food when he gets released. I feel bad applying for welfare." She said, "People like you are why welfare was created. I don't know what to tell you except to apply for welfare". I got really quiet because I didn't know what to say to this and so she changed the subject. She started telling me how she and her wealthy husband had bought too many Omaha steaks that year and they had had to give a TON away to his employees. Following that up with, "I thought about sending you some, but you don't eat very much red meat, remember?" Which threw me into confusion because I had been a part time vegetarian TEN YEARS earlier for about 6 months.
I then had to spend the next year hearing my step-father talk about what a real piece of shit my fiancé was because a "decent human being wouldn't let a dog go hungry, much less a pregnant woman"…and always wondering how he could say that with a straight face, never realizing that mother certainly hadn't told him I called her asking for money for food when I was pregnant and hadn't eaten in nearly a week! After all, he would have wanted to help me! We couldn't tell him that kind of thing…we were "blaming that on Mark". So, I blamed that entirely on Mark too….all but forgetting that excruciatingly painful and humiliating "go get on welfare…I can't believe we bought too many Omaha steaks" conversation I'd had with her. After all, it was only Mark's fault.
Fucking cruelty. And I let that monster around my children.
05 Saturday Apr 2014
adapting, black sheep, childhood, children, Daddy, DENIAL, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, estranged, fear, frustration, grief, history, hopes, invisible, life, loss, loveless, manipulation, mean mothers, Mother, nightmares, nostalgia, parent issues, rape, sadness, sexual abuse, sociopath, suicidal, the ex, trust, unacceptable, unforgivable, unforgiven
Loss – true, deep, profound, crippling loss – is a loss beyond imagination and to a great degree, that loss is more profound and crippling when it's an unnatural loss. The loss is exponentially pervasive into one's life when it's a loss brought on by betrayal, deceit, hatred, or brought on with the sheer intent to punish you for some unknown and/or unintentional "misdeed" of sorts, even sometimes a "misdeed" that's merely fictional – a fabrication created solely from the dark billowing folds of a sick and twisted mind of a sociopath. I mean, there just ain't no sunshine after this kind of loss.
People say; move on with your life. Let go of the pain. Recreate yourself. Recreate a life for you that you love. Have faith. Everything happens for a reason.
(Which by the way, I could now happily punch myself in the throat repeatedly for EVER thinking "everything happens for a reason" is EVER appropriate to say to ANY one! Except maybe (big maybe here) in the case of divorce or breaking up with a sociopathic narcissist. In THOSE cases of using the term "loss" so loosely, then yes, it really does happen "for a reason" and you are truly better off. Other than that, then everyone who falls back on that phrase (myself included), can fuck off!)
So, you look in every hidden corner of your life, your heart, and your mind…stretching your limbs and your definitions to find that possibility. You become a detective of possibilities, looking for them anywhere and in anything:
Maybe this book will help. Maybe that book will release my mind from its torment for a moment…or this movie…or a conversation with this person about the struggle….or a conversation with that person about anything but the struggle? Maybe art, perhaps painting or coloring or creating a DIY project will provide a moment of relief?
Maybe God? Worshipping Him, being grateful for the many wonderful things you know are there but no longer bring any joy, forcing yourself to look for that joy and insist it is there? Maybe singing to Him, or listening to music praising Him?
Maybe a new pet, a colorful squawking bird or an innocent playful puppy or a soft fluffy cuddly kitten?
Maybe reminiscing? Or not allowing yourself to reminisce, removing as many painful reminders of all the places joy once stood? Maybe cleaning until your skin is raw, bleeding, and cracked and looks like your heart feels? Maybe not cleaning? Living in squalor, letting everything get and stay as messy and unkempt as your life and your thoughts feel?
Maybe music? Country music? Classic rock? Reggae? Heavy metal? Classical? Gospel? Hard rock? Really loud music? Really soft, subtle background music?
Maybe gardening? Putting your time into cultivating a beautiful plant which signifies life? Or growing tomatoes to remind you to survive, you must eat? Maybe plotting the revenge you don't believe in and would never seek? Maybe imagining karma or refusing to allow yourself to believe you "don't deserve" this kind of pain? Or forcing yourself to think you deserve this and much worse? If "much worse" exists? Maybe fantasizing about how "much worse" might be or feel?
Maybe too much time on Facebook or Twitter or blogging or Pinterest? Maybe joining support groups and reaching out to help others who are hurting? Maybe volunteering for a domestic violence shelter or the humane society? Maybe do daily affirmations in the mirror? Or practicing the Law of Attraction?
Maybe drinking too much wine? Or not allowing yourself to have any alcohol? Maybe writing letters? Or emails? Or joining causes you believe in? Laughing foolishly about the silliest stuff your brain can think of?
Maybe planning your suicide? Writing your will? Organizing vast piles of paperwork? Maybe dancing like no one is watching? Playing in the rain? Hand writing letters to lonely souls in prison? Reaching out to long-lost friends? Reconnecting with friends you've grown distant from? Maybe having sex with an old boyfriend? Or going on a date with someone new? Maybe drinking more tea? Making infused waters? Maybe browsing through hundreds of old photos? Or hiding every reminiscent photo?
Maybe living in another state? Or another state again? Or the same state where you lost everything? Maybe changing your name? maybe writing of the abuse you've never spoken of? Maybe writing of anything but your grief, sorrow, pain, or past abuse? Maybe writing the stories of your multiple rapes? Your mounting dealings with injustices? Maybe giving compassion to others who've endured similar experiences and not even speaking of your own?
Maybe get a tattoo? Alter your flesh somehow to tell yourself you are now officially and physically not the exact same body who experienced these things at all?
After a while, you listen to everyone tell you how to move on, let go, live again. And you are a detective of
joy survival; madly and frantically searching for brief any flashing moment of joy happiness serenity peace relief to alleviate the pain and sorrow that has somehow infused itself into every recess of your brain.
Maybe beg for a lobotomy?
02 Wednesday Apr 2014
Posted Abuse, Children's Father, Coping, Daddy, family, Fears, grief, Letters, loss, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Sociopath Mother, Survivorin
adapting, black sheep, childhood, children, Daddy, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, fear, frustration, grief, history, hopes, life, loss, mean mothers, nostalgia, parent issues, sadness, safety, sociopath, trust, unforgivable
Humans of New York (http://www.humansofnewyork.com) posted this photo with the caption "Dad let go of her hand, but she never let go of Dad's hand."
My earliest and perhaps most innocently poignant memory is of having to let go of my dad's hand. I guess myself at around three. My mother and father were viciously arguing. My sister and I were hiding on the stairway. My heart was racing; scared of the fighting and petrified I'd get caught for sitting on those steps listening to all the loud yelling I didn't understand and be punished for my curiosity. Two policemen showed up. They appeared larger than life and what frightened me most was the Billy club each had dangling from his belt. Menacing, baseball bat looking clubs as big as my leg, which I knew were there to be used. In my confusion for sitting on the stairway…or maybe it was the automatic assumption I'd carry with me for the rest of my life that as usual, I'D done something wrong …whatever it was, somehow I knew instantly that Billy club was to beat me with. The minute I saw it, I ran as fast as my legs could fumble themselves up those stairs in my panic, too scared now to even worry about being quiet!
I ran straight to the top of the stairs and turned into the first door on the left, my parent's bedroom. My bedroom was straight ahead and the same distance to run, but somehow I felt sure that Billy club would come looking for me in MY room. So, I thought I was quite clever to hide in my parent's room where they at least wouldn't come first looking for me, maybe buying myself a few precious seconds before the beating.
The yelling downstairs had ceased. I could still hear talking; the policemen and my parents' voices, but no more yelling. I wanted so much to hear what they were saying…to know what I had done this time…and get a clue as to how bad the Billy club beating might be….ohhhhh, how I wanted to know! Sheer terror kept me hiding behind the leather rocking chair in the corner of my parents' bedroom, though. I didn't DARE peek out and be nosy with the Billy club policeman man there, no matter how overwhelming my curiosity was!
My sister had gone under their bed. I stayed behind the chair for what felt like my last eternal moments before my inevitable death, making myself as small as I could to hide completely and occasionally putting my head sideways against the floor to peek under it and see my sister under the bed.
That lasted forever and I must be missing some time in there because the next thing I recall is my mother standing in front of my dad by the big wooden front door downstairs. My mother facing my dad directly, his face looked sad and hurt, not angry and mean like my mother's and I knew something was horribly awfully wrong. My dad smiled and laughed perpetually. I'd never seen this look on his face ever. Not once on my entire three years! My mother held mine and my sister's hands on either side of her, facing him and saying to us, who do you want to go with? This was a hard question. I didn't want to hurt either of my parents' feelings and I didn't know what the right answer was. I love my mommy so much and I love my daddy too! And forever without one of them seemed an impossible choice. At that moment, I really believed this was the most final and permanent decision I'd ever have to make in my lifetime. My sister immediately piped up with, I'm going with you, Mommy. She either knew the right answer because she was an older, wiser five years old or it simply wasn't the dilemma for her that it was for me? I didn't know. I was looking at my dad's face right that moment, still that sad look that was hauntingly unknown to me and I knew I couldn't leave my daddy alone no matter what. My sister had already picked mother. I couldn't leave my daddy alone with that expression on his face and I could feel the hot anger seething off my mother, while my dad felt quietly just hurt and defeated maybe…somehow seeming much safer than the alternative. I stepped over to my obviously wounded gigantic daddy and said, I'll stay with you, Daddy.
It was decided. My sister left with our raging, seething mother and I stayed with our wounded, broken hearted Daddy, just knowing I could love on him enough with hugs and kisses to chase that sad look away and bring back his usual jolly smile. Strange that the few seconds it took me to make that choice feeling afraid because I believed it would be forever and I'd answer wrong, was immediately replaced with as much confidence as any three-year-old could have after answering such a question. I knew I belonged with my daddy. I loved and adored my mommy like crazy as any child does, but I knew the minute I took those few steps over to stand by my daddy's side, that that was exactly where I belonged in this world, even if it DID mean I'd never see my beloved mother's face again. I felt sad, but I was no longer afraid that I'd answered the question wrong. Yes, I belonged with Daddy; my happy, laughing, loving daddy with the smile that lifted my heart high in the air full of joy every day.
I didn't understand this was only for the night…or a few days…or whatever it ended up being. I can't recall. The last thing I remember is feeling that odd confidence that I'd made the right choice and knowing I would be safe forever right next to my daddy, holding tight to his great big warm hand.
But it wasn't forever. Not too long after this painful choice…a night…or two or three days…my mother returned and took me with her and my sister far away from our house any my dad (to be with another wealthy much older man whom I'd later in life discover she had already been seeing and cheating on my dad with way back then). And, my daddy had to let go of my hand. I never let go of his though. Over the next 14 years, I held onto my daddy's hand once in a while in person when I was allowed to see him, but every day and night I held onto his hand in my prayers, in my dreams, in my thoughts when I was scared, and in my heart when I felt unloved and unwanted or confused and beaten. And I continued to hold it the 27 years following that as I trudged my way through life, love, rape, abuse, and many scary choices.
Forty-one years later from the year I made that first great big life choice to hold my dad's hand, I'm still holding that big warm hand in my mind and my heart. My daddy is gone. He let go of my hand again to go to heaven but I haven't let go of Daddy's hand.
28 Friday Mar 2014
Posted Abuse, Daddy, Darlene Higgins, Depression, family, Fears, Sociopath Mother, Survivor, Words to a Sociopathin
adapting, adolescence, black sheep, child abuse, childhood, Childhood prayers, children, confusion, Daddy, Darlene Higgins, DENIAL, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, estranged, fear, frustration, God, grief, history, hopes, invisible, life, loss, loveless, manipulation, mean mothers, Mother, narcissistic mother, parent issues, suicidal, trust, unacceptable, unforgivable
That pre-adolescent time is so awkward and ignorant. As a female, before you understand what's happening to your body or ever know it's changing at all, your vagina secretes a light discharge caused by hormonal changes. Healthy, hormonal discharge of a young girl anywhere between maybe 9 and 13 depending on how early your body changes.
I didn't notice that. I was somewhere around 9. It's not as though your panties are actually wet. It's just a little bit of moisture that gets into your panties. So, you throw your panties into the dirty laundry like usual. You just toss them in there, clueless that you've done anything wrong…clueless that your body has gotten you in trouble. Clueless until Saturday morning when you're in your room reading and suddenly you hear your mother scream your name all the way from the basement. You still don't know you're in trouble…you're not sure why she's screaming so angrily. Still ignorant and innocent, you zip downstairs to see what she needs or what you've done this time, feeling fairly confident it can't be too bad because you know you've not done anything wrong or broken any rules. So at this point, you're mostly curious and maybe the hateful scream of your name was merely to reach the volume level to get your attention.
But as you stand half the size of your 5'2 raging mother, while she shoves your dirty panties in your face screaming, "I'M NOT STUPID! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" you realize you've certainly done something wrong or shameful or disgraceful or broken the rules somehow. You know you didn't pee your pants or anything(you're very proud of the fact that you've not done THAT in a LONG time!), so what could be possibly be wrong with your dirty panties? Then she shows you the tiny spot in your panties that have been sitting in the dirty clothes for a few days now, and that delicate smudge of moisture that your changing body discharged while you were swinging on the maypoles at recess has become the tiniest little dried off-white crusty smudge. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE BOYS, YOU LITTLE SLUT?" And you don't know what you've done or what a "slut" even is. You just know that boys are wayyyyy yukky…and you DO know you're in serious trouble by your mom's expression. You're not sure why your panties did that yet (that knowledge won't come for another 3 or 4 years)…you only know that those are your panties (you can't possibly deny that – you're the only 9 year old girl in the house) and your body did something disgustingly wrong in them. Your body betrayed you. It got you in trouble. And it's so embarrassing and humiliating that your dirty panties are so disgustingly unacceptable and apparently tell stories you don't even know, that all you can do is cry and plead "I'm sorry Mommy" and silently vow to have a LONG talk with God about this horrifying indiscretion later after you've tucked all your stuffed animals safely in your bed.
Only later that night, after you tuck all your stuffed animals carefully under your covers, God doesn't tell you. He doesn't answer your pleads to understand why your body did something so disgusting and shameful against your will. He doesn't even tell you what "boys" had to do with it! Mr. Bananas, your beloved stuffed monkey, doesn't know either or he's not talking if he does. So the best you know to do is beg God to stop your body from ever doing THAT again.
But God doesn't stop it. So, further punishment will come. You aren't going to be allowed to play neighborhood football outside or go sledding with them when it snows with the neighbors for a while…a REALLY long while. And all you can do then is pray that God sends your daddy and maybe your daddy will know why your body is doing that disgusting horrible "slutty" thing and understand that you're not doing it on purpose. Even though, you're too embarrassed about your shameful panties to ever tell you daddy…or ask him…
After all, your daddy loves you. You know it. Be
24 Monday Mar 2014
Posted Abuse, Coping, Daddy, Depression, family, Fears, friendship, grief, Hypergraphia, Letters, Lexi and Savannah, loss, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Sociopath Motherin
adapting, black sheep, childhood, children, Daddy, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, estranged, fear, frustration, generosity, grief, hopes, invisible, Mother, nightmares, nostalgia, parent issues, rape, sadness, safety, sexual abuse, sister, sociopath, suicidal, the ex, trust, unacceptable, unforgivable, unforgiven
It's pity party time… I've officially spent my second birthday and the second anniversary of my dad's death alone. Without one single phone call on either day…not a "checking in to see how you are", not a "hey, I'm thinkin of you"…not a single friend or family member thought of me on the two most significant days of my life.
After 44 years of life, millions of friends, several boyfriends, one husband, and two children of my own, I now realize what I feared most from my earliest days is literally true. My mother, my sister and all those other people over 44 years couldn't ALL be wrong about me; I'm not someone who can be loved. I'm just not…
I suppose I could write of how it's my mother's fault. How being raised by a narcissistic sociopathic woman damaged me so cruelly, left me with huge holes in my soul that can't be filled, making me so desperate and needy for the one thing that scared me most, love. I found it crazy ironic to discover at 26 that I have a flap in my heart which doesn't close properly. What a perfect description of me…it was almost an explanation at last for what I am that I can't seem to help or change. The pieces of me that are so just wrong that they'll never be right finally made literal, physical sense when the doctors told me that back when I was pregnant with Savannah Grace.
I suppose I could write how it's other people's fault, as well. How being so painfully insecure and desperately needy for love and approval for as long as I can remember being alive led me directly to the kinds of people who would manipulate and abuse that…furthering the unlovable clause I was born with. Seriously, WHO gets molested as a 6 year old by a teacher and a babysitter? And WHO is ridiculous enough to get raped *three* times in 44 years? And WHO is blessed enough to have had so many wonderful men profess the most beautiful depths of undying love and still ends up alone? What kind of idiot runs so fast and so often over a lifetime from the very thing she has been praying for since the tender age of 4? I certainly could never convince myself that it was all THEM…that there was something inadequate with every one of THEM. No, the common denominator there is me…and only me. I chased, pushed, argued, and crazied every one of them away from me, even the most tenacious of them. I could try to blame any one of a hundred girlfriends who shit on me, stabbed me in the back, devastated and used me…..but again, who's the common denominator there? Me.
And what about my daddy? I was fortunate that my mother kicked me out with just a trash bag full of clothes at 16 for lying about smoking a cigarette. Thus, I spent the majority of my life, from 16 to 42, with a most amazing parent who demonstrated love, acceptance, kindness, honesty, integrity, and joy. So many children don't have that kind of example or love in their life from ANY where growing up, at ANY age. Hell, I was fortunate that my daddy somehow always found the strength and ability to love me at all. Why didn't that fix those fucking holes I was born and raised with? Not everyone who is unloved by her mother is blessed enough to be unconditionally loved by her father. If the cause of this unending and irreparable unlovability issue isn't ME, at my very core, then that shower of my daddy's true blessings would have repaired that. It should have, right?
Yes, it should have. It would have. If it wasn't me, my fault, my issue, my fault, my inadequacy…mine, mine, MINE.
I've never felt good trying to blame any of this on other people anyway. Contrary to many people's beliefs, I've just never been the person who could blame someone for anything at all really and feel confident it wasn't really my fault. When the teacher molested me at 6, I even felt guilty when he got in trouble…even at that tender age; I felt it was me, my fault. After all, I had actually appreciated the special attention he had always given me, hadn't I? I had looked forward to his smiles in the elementary school hallways that made his face beam whenever he saw me….it actually made me think of my daddy's huge grin whenever I got to see HIM! And my favorite was the day he lifted me up to drink from the big drinking fountain. I had appreciated feeling special to a grown-up who saw me every day and still seemed to think I was someone special in this world. I would have never told on him intentionally. Not EVER! And I really didn't want him to get in so much trouble either. Somehow, even way back then, at such a young and innocent age, I just knew it was my fault. Everything was my fault, so that had to be too. All three times I was raped, no matter how cruelly, I still felt deep down it was my fault…that I HAD gotten what I deserved. And I think I was always afraid to tell my mother because I knew she would be sure to bring that to my attention immediately and then all doubt of me "not deserving" to be raped would be totally eliminated. Hell, somehow I've been "asking for it" since the age of 6! I'm sure at 17 and older, I was REALLY asking for it. I just wanted to blame them because I never figured out HOW I "asked for it" and thus, couldn't figure out how to stop "asking for it". I only blamed them in my own mind out of frustration that I couldn't fix what had always been wrong with me.
I've never minded taking the blame for things, actually I usually prefer it. After all, if it's MY fault, then I can fix it. If it's not, then I'm powerless to ever get it right. And yet, in spite of years of therapy, and so many wonderful years with a loving father, a zillion self-help books and strategies, I've never been successful at fixing it. And I still don't feel satisfied trying to put the blame on other people for anything really… It's been my life problem as long as I can remember; therefore, it's still MY problem. My ex-husband even said to me once, "NO one in this world has such chronic shitty luck as you. The shit that happens to you regularly, just doesn't happen to anyone…not even one of then usually, much less a lifetime of them!?" He was so right. I've always known that deep inside too. It's me…it's GOT to be. There is no other logical explanation. Hell, my mother abused the hell out of me physically, mentally, and verbally for 26 years and I was STILL desperate for her to love me. I've counseled so many children whose parents were fiercely abusive and still, they loved them and would do anything for their love. Me? I have two children who tossed me AND my love in the garbage without a second thought or one single look back to just wave good-bye….just threw me in the trash like the worthless garbage I've always been. And in spite of all my mistakes and failings as a mother and a human being, I gave those two children the very best of anything good I have ever had inside me to give, which was still apparently utterly worthless.
And since it seems to get worse the harder I've tried to repair whatever this is I was born with, what does that even really mean? If I own it all, I still can't fix it; if I blame everyone else, I can't fix it either.
I have so many of my daddy's amazing qualities…deep down I think, where most can't see them, but I have them damnit! So, why don't they make me and my life even a fraction as valuable as my daddy was in this world to almost everyone who ever met him? Why can't I fix what's wrong with me?
I realized recently that I've never really been afraid to die… Well, as a mom I was because I felt my children deserved to know the love and nurturing of a mother…the love I never knew and started my desperate journey toward a life of failure lacking. Other than that, I never was afraid to die though. Obviously, my greatest fear is living. And figuring out why I've been forced to do something for 44 years that I'm just not able to do well. I'd rather not do something at all, than try for 44 years just to get worse and worse at the effort.
I did always hope that someday, before he passed or I did, I'd have the opportunity to deserve to matter in this world by giving back to my daddy somehow. I always told him, "someday Daddy, I'm going to get myself together and do something REALLY amazing for you to repay all you've ben and done for me over my life time". It still wouldn't have ever been enough, but I really always hoped I'd have that opportunity and ability someday. I didn't. He is gone and I'm still fucking alive and every bit as unworthy, useless, and unlovable as I was born.
I'm sorry Daddy. I'm sorry I didn't get it together in time to return your wonderfulness to you even a little bit. I'm really sorry. I know it made no difference to you whatsoever, but it really would have made the world of difference to me.
It seems so cruel. So much death all around me over the last two years since my daddy passed. All these beloved people and children dying and leaving behind heartbroken masses of hurting folks who loved and admired them. Yet, on and on and on I go…. 44 years of nothing but worthless efforts to somehow give the world what I always dreamed of. A life of nothing; worth nothing, for nothing, meaning nothing. No one notices or cares I'm alive and who can blame them? I don't. So, why does God take the cherished ones and leave the insignificant failures to continue being a burden.
Yet, on I go…
31 Friday May 2013
Posted Coping, Daddy, Depression, family, Fears, friendship, Lexi and Savannah, loss, Sociopath Mother, Survivorin
adapting, black sheep, childhood, children, Daddy, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, estranged, fear, life, loss, loveless, mean mothers, Mother, nostalgia, the ex, trust, unacceptable, unforgivable
It felt like his innocence was gone. I saw that in him in glimpses before of his cruel apathy, but this time was different. And not just an age thing either, it was a sexual thing… I think any time you go back to someone you had before, it's never the same. And it's certainly never exactly the way you have formed the memories in your mind over the absent time. For me, it's always a bit of a disappointment; it's somehow just less than it was before…or maybe than it had been in your rose colored hindsight.
And yet, not exactly; not with him. No, my every moment with him, comical, serious, sexual, friendly is all blanketed with the velvet validity of everything I remember. All my time with him is though. He is my exception. My exception to every rule. I said to him, "I do want to be friends…and I get sad when I think we can't be. I mean, I love you…I love you either way, you know?" He responded, "I know you do." Yes, he does know.
I'm playing Rose Colored Glasses – the song that in my mind always defined my dad's unconditional and enduring love for my mother. How strange that even as a child with no comprehension of my parents' marriage or romantic love at all really, I always felt that song was my daddy's song for my mother. Maybe it's the conversation we had one day while riding in his red Bonneville with the pin striped velour seats I thought were so soft and pretty. I was maybe 10 or 11 and this song came on the radio and he turned it up and said in his deep joyously loud voice, "Oh baby, your daddy sure burned this one up!" I didn't know what that meant, so I asked him what he meant by that and he laughed and said, "I used to play that one on the jukebox over and over and over again until people would tell me to knock it off!" Wise beyond my years even then about lost or unrequited love, Daddy didn't even have to actually say the words, I knew he meant this happened during the worst of his heartbreak era after my mother left him.
I am undoubtedly my father's daughter. My mother never suffered from silly nostalgic memories or wasted time wallowing in a broken heart from lost love. My sister surely doesn't suffer that affliction either. Neither of them would ever be such ridiculously silly romantics. Just me. Just me…and my daddy. So maybe it's my family legacy that I uphold with this unconditional and enduring love I have for D? Maybe this kind of everlasting depth of devotion just runs in my veins?
Perhaps the only love that could have forever kept me from accepting my love for D again is my daughter's… Her beautiful heart was the only thing which gave me the strength to at least minimize the depth of emotion I have for this man and place it on that tiny back burner. …And as life's cruel steel-fisted irony would have it, I now no longer have hers.
For the love of Pete, will my life ever cease to fully represent the sappiest of country songs? Having been born into a situation of unrequited maternal love, chronic loss, regular betrayal, a thick aura of unrequited love surrounds me as I live my silly old Lifetime Movie life. And I don't fool myself anymore into believing my happy ending might come. I think this is just what my life was meant to be for some reason: a cautionary tale about love and loss – the kind where you cry at the end because your heart aches, not tears of joy that it all turned around and the heroine overcame at the end. Hell, maybe I'm not even the heroine? Maybe I'm just the sideline story going on in the background, as the good guy gets the girl and rides into the sunset hand in hand with the love of his life? Maybe my daddy was the star of the show and it ended bittersweet…or maybe it's one of my daughters' show? And the happy ending will come for her life?
Oh well, I just love him. And just as I feel some sense of resentment at that blasted stubborn truth I can't seem to change no matter what I do(ugh!), I hear another song which perfectly identifies my daddy as well, Here For a Good Time.
Daddy enjoyed life to its fullest all the way to his very last second. He may have felt the acute sting of lost love just like I do, but he never let it stop him from laughing, loving, and living to the fullest for very long. He had hiccups from it and he kept right on going. Unlike him, I have full-on break downs.
So, in his honor, I'm not going to beat myself up today for loving this man the way I do. I'm just not. It isn't going to change anything, so I may as well just embrace it. After all, the unconditional love of my daddy is gone now and my daughters don't care either way anymore. And even brief moments with D give me the bittersweet glimpses of joy my daddy miraculously maintained with his rose-colored love for my mother till the very end of his life. Bittersweet was good enough for my daddy till his dying day, so it's surely good enough for me to appreciate and not resent or fight.
After all, it really just is exactly what it is.
24 Friday May 2013
Posted Abuse, Children's Father, Coping, Depression, family, Fears, grief, Lexi and Savannah, loss, Mark D., RANT, Single Mom, Sociopath Mother, Survivorin
adapting, Audacity, black sheep, children, DENIAL, depression, desperation, Disability, dysfunctional family, estranged, fear, frustration, Gratitude, grief, history, life, loss, loveless, manipulation, mean mothers, nostalgia, parent issues, sadness, the ex, Tragedy, trust, unacceptable, unforgivable
The outrageous audacity of some just sets my throat into gag-mode and it's no exaggeration to say, I've just thrown up a little in my mouth.
And when a person or event has successfully forced bile to rise in my throat, well, it's goodbye Grace. I simply can't balance grace with horrifically disgusting audacity. I just can't. Or perhaps I just won't. Who knows? At any rate, Grace who prefers not to pass judgment; Grace who wants to spread peace and love around with tiny bubble decanters to provoke joyous giggles in others; Grace who smiles through her pain and has become an expert in never letting the depth of her pain show; Grace who feels her mission on earth is to practices radical kindness and unconditional acceptance…Grace jumps out the window tossing maniacal laughter out as she flies, and bellows, FUCK YOU!
Narcissistic sociopaths should be burned like witches from the Salem era. First though, they must be strung up by meat hooks, whipped and taunted while their long line of soundproof ear-plug wearing victims take precious spray bottles filled with rubbing alcohol and lightly mist their wounds. La-dee-da-dee-daaaa…. Frolicking nonchalantly among the hanging perpetrators of gross injustice and catastrophic cruelty…mist…mist…tsk…tsk…absolutely unaware of the piercing shrieks of pain they're inducing. What was that I heard? Ahhh…sweet would be the blissful silence among the filthy bastards as they take a spoonful or two of their own cruel and inhumane medicine.
This would be akin to the depth of absolute uncaring, unconcerned, audacity these mother fuckers maintain as they rip your world into tiny pieces, piss on those pieces, set them on fire, and then go bitch about how ungrateful their victim is…what an incessant whiner their little sacrificial lamb is. For God's sake, why can't their victims suck it up, burn alive and be grateful for the experience. WHY? After all, this experience couldn't possibly be any worse than the irritating hangnail the Narc had just last week! Right?! The betrayal and emotional torture the Narc has imposed upon their victim(s) was nothing near the depth of hut the narc felt that one time he was 6 and got vanilla frosting on his surprise birthday cake rather than the chocolate he'd preferred. Now, that was pain….pain to cry about for years to come; pain great enough to hold the blame for every slander of reputation, slice of innocence, and pound of flesh he took from others over his next 40 years. No one else's "pain" could possibly compare to these delicate infractions the Narc was put through all his life. No, the only acceptable complaining or whining is the Narc's. After all, his pain is just so much more intense and unbearable than anything any one else has endured…ever…ever before or ever since. In fact, I suppose a Narc can't even comprehend that other's feel pain at all since they can't grasp existence outside of himself. And a sociopath might have the emotional intelligence to understand others do in fact feel pain, but hasn't the conscience or soul to care one whit. The Soc is way too busy frantically feeding off power he gets from inflicting pain on another against their will.
Oh yeah….bile in the mouth. I got sidetracked for a moment there trying to wrap an adequate description around these two earth roaming, life demolishing monsters.
Can you imagine for a moment this scenario:
Your dear, dear long distance partner/significant other has been involved in a tragic accident. Due to no fault of their own, he or she has abruptly and absolutely lost the ability to walk, talk, feed themselves, go to the bathroom alone or wipe their ass. He/she is alive though, and is successfully regaining the ability to talk and breathe again without outside help. It's slow going, but it's going. The prognosis is long term paralysis and a high unlikelihood that they'll ever live independently again. Your friend also is the single parent of a 20 month old child and has another child on the way.
In addition, this dear friend of yours, has a sociopathic narcissistic mother who flew several states in "grave concern" to arrive at the hospital just shortly after being moved from the ER into a private room. This delightful, loving mother arrives as you are holding your SO's hand…maybe you're grateful they are alive, maybe you're feigning concern, maybe you're grateful that you get to leave this antiseptic hospital after you've done your duty and get back to your life, having others to take care of your 20 month old as you continue frolicking through your own life, just as before…I don't know why you're holding their hand, but you are.
Arrive Sociopathic mother on the scene, who coldly says to you, I'd like a few moments alone with my child. You happen to know your SO has a strained, at best, somewhat abusive relationship with this woman, but you're just grateful you get an excuse to get out of this duty-filled environment for a moment. You release the hand and exit the room.
Sociopathic mother then sets her handbag down on the hospital bed, and leans in somewhat close to whisper in a satanic tone of voice, "You deserve what you fucking get", grabs her bag, looks to her third husband sitting in the corner chair and says, "Let's go".
Fast forward a few weeks later. You've made the three hour drive to visit again. It's perfect in that it's close enough that you can do this duty on your day off from your job and not have to inconvenience your schedule much at all. This time, you know your SO is struggling with depression, fear, anger, and frustration. You know this. So, you thoughtfully decide to set about helping them with a gratitude exercise. Yeah, they're still struggling a little with their ability to speak, but this is still an appropriate exercise, right? I mean really, it's a thoughtful and kind thing to do!
You enter after driving your car, from your house, and off for a day from your job. After you leave here today, you'll go visit your 20 month old daughter, hold her, maybe play with her a bit…you know, those things you might do with your very young child when you only see her a few weeks a months…
Your SO is painfully aware that they may not ever drive a car again, work a job again, live independently again, or God forbid, even play normally with or care for their daughter ever again. But, you've got this covered. You're going to take these precious moments hereto assist with a gratitude list! That's exactly what they need…to count their blessings and remember to be grateful! And gosh, aren't you, in all your health and problem-free normal life, just the person to remind them of this blessings, no matter how disguised or buried…?!
And you are just pissed off to no end to find that this cranky, angry, partner of yours is pissed off and has no interest at this time in doing a gratitude list. Ahhh the nerve of such ingrates! This is, in fact, such an outrageous travesty of character, that 13 years later, you're still telling the story to your new "significant other(s)" about the audacious ingratitude of your former SO.
There's just nothing at all wrong with this little scenario, is there? Well, except for that ungrateful bastard.
22 Wednesday May 2013
Posted Abuse, Coping, Depression, Fears, Survivorin
adapting, black sheep, childhood, DENIAL, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, estranged, fear, frustration, grief, history, hopes, invisible, Just sometimes, life, loss, mean mothers, Mother, nostalgia, sadness, trust, unacceptable, unforgivable
I get stuck there so often. This is where my "crazy" starts. Writing is my primary therapeutic tool to process feelings and events and safe method by which to allow my feelings to flow. I was trained very early to deny or hide my feelings. That has become my automatic response. Hide, deny, belittle, any feelings which aren't "appropriate" to express. So when I'm unable to write, the feelings seem to stagnate and sit still inside me, festering into an un-climb-able mountain to be silently feared as it slowly takes over my mind, growing larger, more shameful, and impossible to overcome each day.
Sometimes I want to list my regrets so I can look at them in black and white…mourn them appropriately and move on. I abhor people who refuse to acknowledge their mistakes and subsequently will never grow or learn from them.
Sometimes I want to list all my blessings to simply keep my mind focused on the positive. Yes, I do buy into the theory of positive thinking. Why focus on the negatives? Simply focus on the blessings and allow those sensations to build within!
Sometimes I want to be like everyone else. Why have I always felt so different from the majority? Am I narcissistic? Am I really so entirely different from others as I've felt all my life? Is this a disguised and distorted vision of myself as being so incredibly different, when maybe in fact I'm merely ordinary and just not all that different after all?
Sometimes I want to embrace my differences and put them on that gratitude list. Some of these "differences" are beautiful. Well, at least on good days, I try to convince myself they are…
Sometimes I want to tell my story. This feels like a necessity to define and understand myself…as though I question my very existence and my own truth without putting it in black and white and hopefully hearing some validation for my struggles.
Sometimes I'm too ashamed to tell the whole sordid story – afraid it's pathetic and will merely present myself as a "victim"….so NOT what I want to be or be seen as! My inner need to always find my blame and my responsibility in every rough event in my life (after all, the only person I can change is myself, right?) often conquers the healthy ability to place blame where it truly lies (yes, sometimes others really just are responsible for their actions which have affected your life, right?).
Sometimes I'm afraid if I don't finally tell my whole truth, that somehow it will mutate into something else, the perspective of those around me. I fear it will become so saturated into my desperate need to find my blame in everything (out of the terrible dread of accidentally placing blame on the wrong shoulders), that not telling it will perpetuate my depression. After all, carrying the weight of everyone's choices is not any healthier than chronically blaming others for your life challenges.
Sometimes I just get stuck and I have to think of these "sometimes" to get my thoughts flowing.
And sometimes I have to write them down as evidence that I actually exist at all.
17 Friday May 2013
Posted Coping, Daddy, Depression, grief, loss, Single Mom, Sociopath Motherin
adapting, black sheep, Daddy, DENIAL, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, estranged, fear, grief, gullibility, hopes, life, loss, loveless, manipulation, mean mothers, Mother, parent issues, sadness, safety, sister, trust, unforgivable
So the latest…. If only I'd written as it's gone along so recording such a flurry of outrageous events would not be such a daunting task.
I did not though. Truth is, simply remembering to breathe through these ordeals has been tiresome and taxing most of the time. And somehow, like all truly emotionally crippling life events, I've found myself often unable to do the one thing which has always brought me a tiny semblance of peace – write. My mind has been boggled. My thoughts run askew. The order and structure of my mind, the quality of my words, descriptions, and sentence structure have all been impacted…nearly dripping with the incredulous pain it's all created in the deepest place of my spirit.
My father passed away on March 23, 2012. A life shaking, altering, traumatic loss of the greatest person I've ever known. In a sense, he was my partner in life. He was my best friend, my confidante, my supporter, my critic, the foundation from which I managed, understood, and lived my life. Subsequently, as a single mother, he was also these things to my two daughters. To simply say this was a tragic blow is like saying Hurricane Katrina was a bad storm. It doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of how this sudden, unexpected event rocked my world.
My dad was on vacation in Los Angeles when he died. He was with my sister (who has claimed we "aren't sisters" since 1998) and my mother (who I've described bits and pieces of in this blog and whom also has not spoken to me or acknowledged my existence since 1998). In his later years, my dad often vacationed with my mother, his ex-wife, who left him around 1973 for a well-off man 25 years her senior. A strange situation indeed, but one which attests to two things: one, my mother is indeed a master manipulator sociopath and two, my dad was capable of levels of forgiveness and acceptance to which I will always aspire.
My dad disliked that my sister and mother were estranged entirely from me. My dad would simply never treat family like that; doing so would have gone against the grain of his heart. He could just never comprehend anyone choosing to eliminate family from their life, much less their heart, but this was the choice of my mother and sister. And since association with such cold-hearted and unloving creatures was far from healthy for me anyway, I never did much about it except learn to accept what is. However, these two women did desire a relationship with my two daughters while simultaneously deleting me from existence in their worlds. Thus, my dad served a unique purpose for their endeavors. His father-like stance in my girls' lives along with my utter devotion, exceeding gratitude, and absolute respect for the man, father, and grandfather my dad was, all assisted in this oddity of a situation in which my father frequently vacationed with his ex-wife. Their relationship was based around my children, assisting in my mother's ability to eliminate me, her daughter, while still affecting a relationship with my children, her only grandchildren. My father was useful to his ex-wife. He was her tool to fashion herself as a grandmother.
And he died on vacation with her. I got the call from my sister. My response was, "Oh my God, no! He is all I have in this world". My sister, I suppose in a rare moment of compassion, responded, "No, you have other family; you have mom and me." I do??!?
In my grief stricken moment of confusion, loss, and utter devastation, my defenses were naturally down and I allowed this to comfort me. I let down my wall of reality and I allowed the innocent delusion of my mother and my sister actually caring about me; caring about my mere existence for the first time in 13 years. I suppose I desperately needed to believe they did. And they, knowing my emotional weakness as well as my close bond with my dad had been cruelly and abruptly severed, would have fully understood how much I needed to buy into that delusion. It worked.
I was devastated, but grateful that perhaps, at best, this might bridge the gap they chose from me and although I'd lost the most important person in my life, I'd maybe gain a mother and a sister. Could it be possible? I'm not typically so stupid. I lean toward the side of too naïve, but I hadn't been naïve about how these two women felt about me in years, as they'd made their feelings very well known. The depth of my desperation is evident in the mere fact that I allowed myself the luxury of believing this might be true. Maybe they did actually care about me? Maybe they were family to me after all? Could it be? Could it be that I'd lost an amazing, accepting, loving father, but gained a mother and a sister??
In hindsight, I'm still kicking myself for buying into this deluded deception. But, c'mon…?! In the world of usual families, this would not be so far-fetched. In defense of my ridiculous stupidity, you have to admit, this could happen. Isn't it normal that sometimes a major loss among normal people in families might draw people together?
I thought it might have…could… would… After all, my sister who'd not spoken to me in over 13 years, was saying that I had a sister and a mother. She was telling me this after telling me directly in 1998 that "we had not been sisters in seven years" and that she "had no interest in being sisters now". I had believed her when she said that. I hadn't understood at all why or how that came about, but she demonstrated very clearly over the next 13 years that she would no longer hold up the pretense that I was family at all, much less a sister of hers. I ceased to exist in her world. It was painful. It boggled my mind. It ripped my heart. But I had no choice but to accept her terms. After all, you can't force someone to be your sister any more that you can force the woman who gave birth to you to be your mother.
And after all this time, right when I'd lost my dad, she was telling me, I did have a mother and a sister. Outrageous? Yes. Odd? Of course. Fantastical? Well, I suppose so, but wouldn't you have wanted to believe in this amazing miracle too?


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Measurements54" W x 2" D x 85" H
138 cm W x 6 cm D x 216 cm H
Weight205 lbs
93.0 kg
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subset: commoncrawl


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Mariners SS Ketel Marte leaves game with sprained thumb
CINCINNATI (AP) Mariners shortstop Ketel Marte left in the fifth inning on Saturday because of sprained left thumb.
Seattle's leadoff hitter had an infield single and slid hard while stealing second base off Cincinnati's John Lamb. He also stole third base and was stranded there. He went into the dugout during the half-inning and stayed there, with Shawn O'Malley replacing him in the field.
There was no immediate word on the severity of the injury. The Mariners led the Reds 4-0.
Follow Joe Kay on Twitter: http://twitter.com/apjoekay


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Animal Control Products: Squirrel Traps that kill.


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Not long after finishing a performance in Brooklyn, Lionel Pickens, a local rapper better known by his stage name Chinx, headed back to Queens with a friend. It was early Sunday and they drove to a hookah bar, but finding it closed, they decided to call it a night.
As Mr. Pickens idled at a red light in his silver, late-model Porsche on Queens Boulevard, another car pulled alongside. Without warning, shots began piercing through the half-open driver's side window at close enough range that detectives later found a 9-millimeter shell casing inside the Porsche on the front seat.
Mr. Pickens, 31, was struck at least eight times — and possibly many more — before he managed to pull his car to the curb in front of a Dunkin' Donuts as the other car sped away. Taken to Jamaica Hospital Medical Center, Mr. Pickens died. His friend, Antar Alziadi, 27, survived. The police said he was in stable condition Sunday afternoon with two bullet wounds to the back and a punctured lung.
By late Sunday, no arrests had been made, the police said, and detectives were still searching for video of the killing and the car used by the assailants.
The fatal shooting sent a tremor through the hip-hop community in New York City and beyond. Mr. Pickens, a frequent collaborator with better-known rappers like Meek Mill and French Montana, earned fame through his mix tapes and performances with other known rappers but never broke through with a national audience. He was working toward his first official solo album.
"The hood gotta stop glorifying suckas that kill good people!" Meek Mill wrote on his Twitter account hours after the killing.
Mr. Pickens came up as a musician under the rapper Stack Bundles, who was killed in a 2007 shooting at the age of 24. Among Mr. Pickens's most popular songs was a collaboration with French Montana titled "I'm a Coke Boy."
Mr. Pickens grew up in Far Rockaway, Queens, in what was then the Edgemere public housing project but is now known as Ocean Bay Apartments. On Sunday, residents there shared news and memories as they lamented how another artist from the neighborhood embarked on a seemingly promising music career only to be shot dead in the street.
"The only way out of Far Rockaway is either death or jail," said one resident, who gave his name only as Rich.
"There are no success stories out here," said another resident, who gave his name as Chris. "You're killed when you get successful."
In the mid-2000s, Mr. Pickens spent several years in prison for robbery and drug sales.
On Saturday night, Mr. Pickens performed at a club in Brooklyn. Afterward, in the early hours of Sunday, he and Mr. Alziadi headed for a hookah bar along Queens Boulevard, the police said. By the time they arrived, the bar was closed, the police said, and Mr. Pickens agreed to drive Mr. Alziadi to a nearby subway station.
They were heading west along Queens Boulevard through Briarwood in the four-door Porsche when they hit a red light at 84th Drive, the police said. The gunfire erupted just after 4 a.m.
The police said Mr. Pickens appeared to have 15 bullet wounds, mostly in his lower body, though some may have been exit wounds. Two 9-millimeter shell casings were found in the street and one inside the Porsche, on Mr. Pickens's seat, the police said.
Raymond Rivera, 19, said he was walking with friends down 84th Drive when they heard the sound of gunfire and glass shattering. He said he saw a black Mercedes sedan swing into a fast U-turn and race away from the scene on Queens Boulevard.
By daybreak, seven bullet holes were visible in the two windows on the driver's side of Mr. Pickens's car, its engine still running. A red hat sat on the passenger's side, blood stains visible on the sidewalk next to it.
By the Dunkin' Donuts on Queens Boulevard, a small shrine took shape, one of the candles marked with the victim's name: "R.I.P. Chinx."
Outside Mr. Pickens's home in Ozone Park, a few dozen people gathered on the steps on Sunday afternoon. "Right now, the wounds are still fresh," a person said from behind a closed gate. "We're just asking for some space to mourn this loss."
In a past interview with Hot 97, Mr. Pickens talked about explaining the violent imagery of his lyrics to his two young children, a boy and a girl. "What dad's doing is nothing different than what you see in the movies," he said. "This is a movie with no picture. I'm just talking about it. This is not real."


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The KP100 Tone Generator Tone Tracer Kit includes A tough CorduraTM pouch that houses the Tone Tracer (TT100) and the Tone Generator (TG100) for convenience in the field. A closure flap protects the instruments and has both a belt loop on the back as well as a metal clip ring for multiple mounting options. The kit includes one cord set with alligator clips.
The Tone Generator Tracer sets a new standard for field service professionals. Due to its slim, ergonomic design, as well as balanced weighting, the TT100 is the most comfortable tracer available. It can be used with either a wearable headset of a standard cell phone set. Quick-change tips make for easier in-field use.
Test-Um's innovative and unique Multi-Function Tone Generator gives the user a multitude of features not available on any other tone generator. Auto-off, multiple tone capabilities, full talk battery, low battery indicator, and other great features make the TG100 the choice for professionals when tracing lines and finding the right signal path for data and voice installations. Its compact size, only 4 inches in length, allows the TG100 to fit into any existing belt pouch.


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MOON TOWNSHIP, Pa. (4/24/15)--Clearview FCU wanted to make its members feel special in celebrating the 10th anniversary of its community charter. So not only did the Moon Township, Pa.-based credit union return $1 million to its membership, it used some of the money to surprise individual members with gifts.
Part of the $1 million went toward a "thank you" patronage dividend to members. The remainder went toward gifts that in some cases made members' dreams come true.
For example, member Lisa Zoller received a trip to Paris. "I can't believe Clearview would do this!" Zoller said. "I've always wanted to go to Paris, but I never imagined it would finally happen."
"We recognize that our members have a choice when it comes to selecting their financial institution, and we appreciate that they have chosen Clearview," said Mark Brennan, Clearview president/CEO. "This is one small way we can show them our appreciation and thank them for their membership and loyalty."
Some of the gift highlights include:
Other gifts included a $1,000 gift card for home improvements, big-screen TVs, a guitar, $500 Amazon gift cards, iPads, and $250 and $500 Barnes & Noble gift cards.
Clearview also is planning to treat 40 members and their guests to a Pittsburgh Pirates game this summer.


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Create Animated GIFs with Mac OS X Preview.app
If you open an animated GIF in Mac OS X's Preview application, the default application for viewing images and PDFs, you may know that you can see individual frames of the animation, but did you know you can also create animated GIFs with Preview? Here's how.
How To
For this example, we will create an animated GIF of us typing some text into a text editor. Preview sets the interframe delay to 0.1 seconds, and I have not seen a way to change that. That is a reasonable typing speed for this effect.
Open a text editor such as TextEdit, TextMate, BBEdit, etc. Resize the window so that it's a nice, tight size that will look good on a web page.
The first thing you might notice between the screenshot above and the animated GIF at the beginning is that the shadow looks better on this screenshot. That's because GIF images can only contain 256 different colors, and that's not enough to see the subtle changes in the shadow.
Save this opening shot by typing Command-Shift-4. Release those keys and type Space. Now click on the text editor window. That creates a screen capture of just the window you clicked and saves it to the desktop.
Open that file in Preview. Choose Save As from the File menu. Select GIF as the file type. Name the file something meaningful like animation.gif. You can now delete the original screen capture image so you don't accidentally duplicate it during the next steps.
We'll want to see the sidebar so we can add images to the GIF sequence. Click the Sidebar button in the toolbar.
Let's just add one character 'A' to the text editor, and add that to the sequence.
- Type 'A' in the text editor window.
- Type Command-Shift-4.
- Type Space.
- Click on the text editor window.
- Find the captured image on your Desktop, and drag it onto the Preview window, directly over the "animation.gif" image in the sidebar.
Your Preview window should look something like this now:
Now let's capture several frames at once to speed this along. After each character that we type in the text editor, we'll type Command-Shift-4, Space, and click on the text editor window, creating many screenshots saved to the desktop.
Select all of these new screenshots on the desktop, and drag them to the Preview window as shown below so that you tell Preview to add the images to the sequence you began (as opposed to simply opening more files, which it will do if you drag too low on the sidebar).
You've got it now. Continue with more frames, and save your GIF. Drag the GIF image to Safari or other animated GIF-enabled viewer, and enjoy. Unfortunately I haven't found a way to loop the animation in Preview.


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Forensic Science
- Forensics Expand or Collapse
- Research Expand or Collapse
- Reference Materials, Standards, and Guidelines Expand or Collapse
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- Organization of Scientific Area Committees (OSAC)
- National Commission on Forensic Science
- Conferences and Events
- Sign up for E-Mail Updates
Forensic Science Topics
What We Do
Forensic science can be a powerful force in support of justice and public safety. Properly applied, it clears the innocent and helps convict the guilty. NIST is working to strengthen forensic practice through research and improved standards. Our efforts involve three key components:
We conduct scientific research in several forensic disciplines, including DNA, ballistics, fingerprint analysis, trace evidence, and digital, among others. We provide physical reference standards and data that help forensic laboratories validate their analytical methods and ensure accurate test results.
We also support CSAFE, a NIST Center of Excellence in Forensic Science, which is working to develop new statistical methods for use in evidence examination.
We co-chaired, with the Department of Justice, the National Commission on Forensic Science, which formulated recommendations for the U.S. Attorney General on matters such as accreditation requirements for forensic science service providers.
We administer the Organization of Scientific Area Committees for Forensic Science (OSAC), which is facilitating the development of science-based standards and guidelines for a broad array of forensic disciplines.


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Jericho is a platform for writers and artists to challenge commonly-held perceptions and inform a wide readership. Our operation is truly global – with contributors from every corner of the world – and we are committed to providing authoritative analysis through long-form, quality journalism: we don't seek to be the first to break the story, we seek to give it context through careful analysis.
We are determined to create high-quality, thought-provoking and entirely independent journalism. With your help, we can achieve these goals and expand our operations to include new types of content, carry out investigative work and interview high-profile figures from across the globe. To join our project and donate to our cause (and receive rewards for doing so!), please visit our Patreon account. Your contribution shall allow us to:
- Cover our running costs
- Remunerate out editorial team
- Reward our journalists for their high-quality content
- Open new sections of the site
- Create new video journalism channels
- Interview more high-profile, influential figures from around the world
Thank you once again for your interest in supporting our project!
John and Joe, Founders and Editors


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A preferred, entertaining walking tour within famed Artwork Deco historic district in South Seaside. Each day excursions supplied in small group setting. Rated #1 walking tour in Miami Beach on Journey Advisor.
A: Access to personalized excursions from small-scale, diversified, diversified farmers; a six web page brochure offering planning ideas, navigation instruments, contact info, and what you may see, do, hear, eat, and buy at each stop on both days, and a reductions on lodging and wine. This tour additionally brings a way of community by way of assembly like-minded people seeking genuine experiences surrounding native meals, and connects folks/companies to farmers they may have by no means identified existed. We hope you will be part of us and support the trigger for creating a extra vibrant native food scene by the inspiration of sustainable farming on this area!
The Needs fireworks were created to launch the Magical Gatherings idea which is designed to convey household and buddies together at Disney World. During holidays, I moderately suggests to e-book for your resort as there are numerous tourists visiting the realm. The loops are self supported. Deliver a tube and pump, plenty of water and money for snacks (if you stop at a store). Maps might be supplied, and the route intersections might be marked. Details are beneath. The course and BBQ will shut at 2pm.
Anand is the only grandmaster competing in only three events and they all will rely within the total standings. Others gamers have the luxurious to … Read More . . .


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Shipping Information
We have various suppliers locally and internationally. We put a lot of attention into making sure that the items are delivered to our gorgeous customers as quickly as possible. Please expect your order to arrive within 12-26 days.
Expedited Shipping is available at checkout. When your order is ready to be shipped, you will receive a shipment confirmation e-mail. We will send another email with your tracking number as it becomes available so you can see where your amazing new clothes are.


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Please select your form depending on flight type:
*Forms above can be used to request flight permission using RIX GH services only.
Please note our Terms and Conditions for ad-hoc flights.
In order to determine the Value Added Tax (VAT) regime applicable to your flight, please download, complete and send us the VAT Self-Declaration Form.


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Welcome to Crossfields Institute Group
We are an awarding and certification group offering our services to a wide range of education providers, such as schools, colleges and universities, both nationally and internationally. We design and deliver our own specialist higher education programmes in collaboration with partner universities and offer organisational development and leadership consultancy to establishments and individuals. Crossfields Institute Group is a charity and not for profit company.
We work with individuals and organisations to bring a unique vision to life and create a balance of knowledge and understanding. We run adult education courses and conferences in the UK and internationally partnering with small organisations through to universities. Our aim is to work closely with all education providers giving a range of choices for any subject at any level and offer a unique and different approach to education.
Our passion is education in all its forms, and our vision is to inspire, innovate and initiate positive social change towards a better world. If you would like to find out more about Crossfields Institute and what we do then please watch this short film or contact us
Welcome to Crossfields Institute Group


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CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Harvard head coach
Peter Brand announced this week that three women's fencers
will join the Crimson for the upcoming 2009-10 season.
The incoming class includes one sabre, one epee and one foil fencer, with two of the newcomers hailing from New Jersey. The other incoming freshman is a native of Virginia.
Harvard, which placed fifth at the 2009 NCAA Championships, won its third Ivy League title last season, going 6-0 in conference action, and posted a 20-1 overall record. The Crimson earned three All-America selections and four All-Ivy League nods.
Katherine Chou/Foil/Holmdel, N.J./Holmdel
Placed third at 2009 Summer Nationals with under-19 women's foil team … Member of USA Women's Foil Junior National Team at 2009 World Cup in France … Two-time Lucchetti Fencing USA captain … Finished third at 2008 Division IA Summer Nationals and was first at 2007 Division II Summer Nationals … Fenced fifth at 2006 Division II Summer Nationals … National Honor Society … French Honor Society … Volunteered at Bayshore Hospital … Bloustein Scholar … National Merit Finalist … Placed third at New Jersey Music Teacher Association Young Musician Competition … Piano solo winner at Piano Teacher Society of America Young Artist Competition … Nominated for National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine … Piano Teacher Society of America Five Year Carnegie Award … Finished sixth at National French Competition Le Grand Concours.
Nadia Eldeib/Epee/Burke, Va./Edmund Burke
Won the 2007 Virginia state title in the epee … Placed second in under-17 event at the North American Cups … Finished seventh in under-20 at Junior Olympics in 2009 … Outstanding Student Award at Edmund Burke High School.
Elena Helgiu/Sabre/Wayne, N.J./Wayne
Took second at the 2008 Summer National Junior Women's Sabre … Finished in the top 24 at the Junior Women's Sabre in 2009 … Placed in the top 32 at the Division I Women's Sabre and the Junior Women's Sabre in 2008 … State Certamen champion in the Latin competition in 2008 and '09 … Won the gold medal and earned a Summa Cum Laude certificate at the National Latin Exam from 2004-08 … Member of the National Honor Society as well as the Spanish, Italian and Latin National Honor Societies … Helped out former war detainees in Romania during the summer 2008.
Photo courtesy of DSPics.com.
Women's Fencing Bolsters Squad With Addition of Three Newcomers
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Harvard head coach
Peter Brand announced this week that three women's fencers
will join the Crimson for the upcoming 2009-10 season.


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If you like fitness, fashion and fun then here are six accounts you should be following on Instagram. My choices were very difficult to narrow down because there are so many. Here are feeds that really inspire me on a daily basis, enjoy! Let me know who if there is one you think I should be following in the comments. Here we go!
1. Abe Cortes! He's such a beast when it comes to running. If you need some inspiration you will find it here. He's always training for a race. You can find him on Twitter and Facebook too. He's given me tons of tips on warming up and what to do for sore muscles. Abe is very helpful.
2. Meet Chesni Cooper. She is not new to yoga as you can see by her feed. If you love photography and yoga you are going to love her feed. She's such a sweet person. You are going to be amazed by the positions that she is working on.
3. Meet Derrick Johnson, one of the hardest working Olympic weightlifters you will see. His lifts are fun to watch and he doesn't necessarily make them all which I think is neat for him share. His coach is also Ursula Garza Papandrea and she is an awesome coach and lifter.
4. Enter House of Alice Rose which is a fashion feed with some yoga, crossfit and other fun stuff thrown in the mix. These ladies are so positive and their love for fashion is their passion. You will enjoy all the contests and challenges that they publish.
5. Scott McDonald's feed will blow your mind. He looks like he is always having fun training as an acrobat. I would love to go play on some of those trampolines. Just wait until you see some of these positions that he is working on. I'm always amazed at what the body can do.
6. For your funny bone a little humor from the South with Texas humor. They are always posting things that make me laugh. As a native Texan I approve of this feed. Please note the image that explains the use of "Ya'll." Need I say more?
Have fun on Instagram and share your world! Come visit me there too @pamelamkramer. Join the fun at Mama Kat's Losing It and link up for this weeks Writer's Workshop.


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Located in Los Angeles, California, Spectrumlink utilizes the latest Internet technology with lightning fast speed and the highest spectrum frequency (71-95 GHz bands) to service all its customers. Offloading and specialized Internet service for business is the key to growing data demands for Internet solutions we face globally and locally with business Internet service capabilities.
Spectrumlink is taking advantage of the opportunity to become the highly distinguished and recognized Internet service industry leader, expanding in rural and urban areas across the country. The goal of Spectrumlink is to be the leading Internet service industry provider for fast fixed wireless broadband and Wi-Fi services and solutions nationwide. We've worked to establish and specialize in offering superior and highly reliable Internet service for businesses and are now extending our reach to those who need it most.
Achieving Our Internet Service Goal
In order to achieve this goal, Spectrumlink has created a custom built back-haul network with the fastest and latest internet service technology for businesses. Starting with Los Angeles internet service networks, we have developed a mixture of internet services targeting commercial businesses and consumers alike.
In today's breakneck pace of business, companies and consumers need faster internet speeds to keep in touch, do business and stay abreast of the latest business technologies. Starting with Los Angeles internet service, Spectrumlink has grown to provide solid, reliable internet service connections to thousands of businesses nationwide. We are ready to provide exceptional broadband connections to your business as well. Find out what competitors and other businesses already know, Spectrumlink is the next generation of fixed wireless internet service across America.
Contact one of our SpectrumLlnk Los Angeles internet professionals today who will assist you in all of your high speed business internet needs. We work with your company every step of the way to ensure there are no issues with your connection from the moment your link goes live.


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Binary Options Dominator eBook
- It isn't overly complicated like Forex or Futures Trading
- Doesn't need a ridiculous amount of capital to get started like Stock Trading
- It doesn't make use of complex options strategies like "straddles" and other such schemes
- There's no software to pay for and then spend endless hours to learn
- No monthly fees or any other bothersome expenses that inflates your credit card
- You can trade whenever you want in the day (even at night!)
- You decide how much money you want to make
I'm not going to bore you now with some over-hyped sales copy, that I personally have gotten really tired of. Besides I am not keen on selling it to too may anyway. I want a select few that are really dedicated to make a bundle of cash, day in and day out. I'm not interested in the average Joe from the street getting his hands on this Binary Options Strategy. If you have a passion for trading and want to make money from home, trading Binary Options for a few hours at your desire, then you might be someone I think could take full advantage of this Binary Options Strategy. This is not a push button money maker, it requires some work to get things rolling. If you have no desire to learn and do some work, then this is not for you.
The reason I don't want too many trading this Binary Options Strategy is quite straight-forward. If there were thousands using this technique then it would become common and the market would take notice, adjust itself and distribute the profits elsewhere, where it would be more difficult to make a buck. There is a limited amount of money available to be made at any point in time and the markets will make sure that the only the best traders gets a piece of the action.
Here below I will show you some example trades I have made. The images were made not to give anything away about the Strategy, so they do not really show anything juicy. Well, except for the large amounts of cash that I made. Enjoy! (you can too, you know)
Binary Options Dominator Example #1
As you can see, this gave me (you can do this as well) a nice profit of $850 in 14 minutes. That's not bad at all. When were you last paid $3400 per hour?
Binary Options Dominator Example #2
Another fine trade, this time in the EUR/USD currency pair. In just a few minutes I made $850 again. Get it now? A real Binary Options Strategy.
Binary Options Dominator Example #3
A EUR/JPY trade that went exactly according to plan. Want to make such trades as well, netting a cool $850? You can now!
As you can see these are some really fine trades. You can be doing these all day long with this Binary Options Strategy. After a few weeks of trading daily you will become an expert on spotting the trade setups. It will be a child's play, really. It's the easiest Binary Options Strategy I have traded since I started trading many years ago. It doesn't get any simpler or easier than this. The combination of Binary Options and this Strategy is match made in heaven. Any other trading will be a struggle to learn and master after this. If you think that you can start with this and then move on to, say, Futures, then you will be in for a nasty surprise. Anything else, except fully automated strategies, will be a drag. So be aware of this if you plan to trade or if you are already trading something else. Perhaps it would better if you stay away from this Binary Options Strategy if you have such plans and let others with a passion to make money take advantage of this limited offer.


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Charlotte yellow shrub rose flower
Image Posted on Updated on
Charlotte yellow shrub rose flower
Exquisite flowers of a soft yellow color. The blooms start off beautifully cupped, later opening out to form a rosette shape. Each bloom is packed with numerous small petals, arranged around a classic button eye. There is a medium-strong and very pleasant Tea Rose fragrance. A very free flowering variety which repeats well. Charlotte has excellent green foliage and a compact, bushy habit, with even, upright growth.


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The risk treatment plan is one of the mandatory documents that must be produced as part of a certified ISO 27001 information security management system (ISMS).
It provides a summary of each of the identified risks, the responses that have been designed for each risk, the parties responsible for those risks and the target date for applying the risk treatment.
The risk treatment plan is produced after the risk assessment has been conducted. At its core, it is a detailed schedule describing who is responsible for specific actions in order to bring the risks down to acceptable levels.
ISO 27001:2013 requires organisations to determine controls "from any source", after which they should compare the selected controls with those in Annex A to ensure that they have responded effectively to all risks.
There are four options for responding to a risk:
- Treat: when a risk has been identified as unacceptable and requires a specific control(s) to be applied in order to reduce the risk.
- Tolerate: when a risk has been identified but the likelihood of the risk occurring is either too small or the cost of treating the risk is too high to justify treatment.
- Terminate: when a risk has been identified and, instead of being treated, a decision is made to cease activity that causes the risk (for instance, replacing outdated hardware).
- Transfer: when a risk has been identified that can be transferred to a third party, such as an insurance firm.
vsRisk™ enables the risk assessor to generate a risk treatment plan following a risk assessment, in line with the requirements of ISO 27001. In addition, vsRisk also includes the ability to automatically produce a Statement of Applicability (SoA), risk assessment report, residual risk summary report, risk comments report and control usage report.


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This session included some tickle fights, bubbles, deer watching (that's right, deer watching) and a whole lot of love. Love these cute folks!
Monthly Archives: April 2013
Woo hoo! Spring is here and I am offering mini sessions May 1st through May 31st!
I watched this beautiful girl grow up and I can't believe she is graduating already. Congrats Ash!!
This lovely lady is my sister in law and she is a beauty!


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Hiding from the Taliban in Plain Sight Maria Toorpakai Wazir
2017 Oslo Freedom Forum in New York
September 19, 2017
Hailing from South Waziristan in Pakistan, Maria Toorpakai grew up in a region where women aren't allowed to leave the house without a male guardian. That didn't stop her from burning her dresses, cutting her hair, and taking on the name Ghengis Khan in order to play sports. Despite her gender being leaked and facing threats from the Taliban, she went on to become Pakistan's top squash player and told her story at the Oslo Freedom Forum in New York.


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This mid-size luxury crossover came in U.S. in 2003 and so far we have seen two generations. The second generation of this five-door SUV came in 2010, so it is certainly time for some mid-cycle refreshment, in an effort to hold this crossover fresh till 2018, when third generation is planned to be launched. The 2016 Porsche Cayenne will come with beside some visual upgrades, there might be also some novelties beneath the hood. Beside standard petrol V6 and V8 engines, new model is going to be also supplied as plug-in and diesel variant.
Just like it is case with every mid-cycle update, it is just about all about some design changes, particularly in front fascia. The 2016 Porsche Cayenne is not going to be exception. Most of the modifications are in front and they consist of new bumper, redesigned inlets and slightly changed LED headlights. On the rear end, taillight also gets some revisions, just like exhaust recommendations as well. We also have information and facts that 2016 Cayenne are going to be some 30 pounds lighter as a result of use of some new lightweight materials in its structure. When it is about interior, it is worth to mention that new model will get all new adaptive control system, improved steering wheel multifunction and some new safety features like warning system for lane deviation and sign detection camera traffic.
There will be several selections presented for 2016 Porsche Cayenne. The base engine is naturally aspirated 3.6 liter V6, which tends to make about 300 horses. Cayenne S is equipped with 3.6 liter turbocharged V6, which outputs more than 410 horses. Twin turbo 4.8 liter V8 is reserved for many powerful Cayenne Turbo variant and it tends to make 510 hp. Beside this petrol engines, 2016 Porsche Cayenne is going to be also obtainable in diesel and hybrid variants. Cayenne Diesel is equipped with 3.0 liter V6, while Cayenne Diesel S uses 4.1 V8 engine which has an output of 380 horses. The Cayenne S E-Hybrid will probably be powered with 3.0 liter petrol engine and electromotor. This combination beside terrific economy, outputs 410 horses.
The 2016 Porsche Cayenne will arrive next year using a price of 50.000 dollars for base model. Most powerful and very best equipped models will go as much as 110.000 dollars.
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We are taking preorders for Ultimate Masters until November 30th. Boxes are $300, tax included. Each box contains 24 packs with a special no-border box topper, like the Dark Depths shown. Each pack contains 1 premium foil.
Taking Ultimate Masters Preorders
Core 2019 Store Championship, Sept. 15, 2018 @ 3:00pm
Join us for the Magic Core 2019 Store Championship! $5 entry fee. Standard format.
When: Saturday, Sept. 15, 2018 @ 3:00 pm
What Does a "Standard Deck" Mean?
The following sets are currently Standard legal: Kaladesh, Aether Revolt, Amonkhet, Hour of Devastation, Ixalan, Rivals of Ixalan, Dominaria, and Core 2019.
What Do I Get?
All participants receive a Emmara Soul of the Accord full-art promo card (while supplies last). The Top 8 players each receive an exclusive deck box with Guilds of Ravnica artwork.
The Champion will receive an exclusive playmat as shown above.
Get Guilds of Ravnica Booster Boxes a Week Earlier!
Can't wait for Guilds of Ravnica to arrive. Preorder a booster box before and during the Pre-release(s) on Sept. 29th and receive the booster box that night. No waiting until the street date. You'll be saving money by preordering a box, getting it early, and getting a sweet buy-a-box promo not available from a booster box or bundle! You can place preorders through the prereleases. The foil promo is Standard and Commander legal Impervious Greatwurm. (1 promo for each preordered box purchased)


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Just like I rarely write funny poetry, I almost never write poems for children. However, I wrote this one many years ago and thought I would share it at long last. It was inspired by a book called 'A Child's Garden of Verses' by Robert Louis Stevenson which I won as a school prize when I was about seven (could have been a poetry prize but that is probably wishful thinking!)
If I were a King
If I were a king
And my bed was a throne
And the garden a kingdom
Of my very own
I'd stand on my bed
And proudly I'd say
Sun I command you
To shine every day
Rain you are exiled
From out of this land
And the clouds would disperse
With a wave of my hand