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Trans Canada Winter Adventure - Toronto to Vancouver
Departure dates
(Tour Code: TR138) Departing from Toronto: Fridays Nov 29 Dec 6, 13, 20, 27 Jan 3, 10, 17, 24, 31 Feb 7, 14, 21, 28 Mar 6, 13, 20, 27
All pricing is in USD$
|Moderate Grade with Upper/Lower Semi Private Sleeper Berth on-board VIA Rail
29 Nov - 27 Dec, 2019 03 Jan - 27 Mar, 2020
|Superior Grade with Private Cabin on-board VIA Rail
29 Nov - 27 Dec, 2019 03 Jan - 27 Mar, 2020
|Deluxe Grade with Private Cabin on-board VIA Rail
29 Nov - 13 Dec, 2019 20 Dec - 27 Dec, 2019 03 Jan - 27 Mar, 2020
Add to my itinerary
Start planning your tailor-made holiday by contacting one of our specialists
Samantha MacGregor
Travel Designer
Jasmine Wong
Travel Designer
Call 1-800-217-0973
Monday - Friday 7.30am - 5.30pm
Saturday 9am - 5pm
Pacific time
Or send a message
Travel aboard VIA Rail through impressive winter scenery on this 11-day journey from Toronto to Vancouver. After witnessing the world-famous Niagara Falls in Eastern Canada, you'll board VIA Rail for the cross-country journey to Jasper. Enjoy an Icewalk in Maligne Canyon and a wildlife tour, then board the train once again for Vancouver.
Itinerary at a Glance
Day 1 Toronto
Arrive at the Toronto International Airport and transfer independently to your downtown hotel.
Day 2 Niagara Falls Day Tour
Enjoy a full-day sightseeing tour through the scenic Niagara Peninsula to Niagara Falls. Highlights of the tour include a lunch buffet overlooking the falls, and the "Journey Behind the Falls" attraction. Continue on along River Road and the Niagara Gorge to the historic community of Niagara-on-the-Lake before returning to Toronto. (Lunch is included today)
Day 3 Toronto to Jasper (Rail)
This morning, check in at Toronto's Union Station and board VIA Rail's 'Canadian' for the famous train journey across the prairies to the Canadian Rockies. Step back in time to the days of classic rail travel, riding in the original stainless steel 'streamliner' railcars made famous by the 'Canadian' in the 1950s. Each has been restored with air conditioning, a café car, lounge car, and access to the dome car. Today is spent crossing the scenic lake lands and forests of Ontario. (brunch & dinner included today onboard VIA Rail)
Exclusive to Sleeper Plus Class: By day, sit back in comfortable seating and enjoy the exclusive comfort of your own accommodation. Come evening, attendants will transform your quarters into cozy bunks or a bedroom. Guests have access to the Park Car, located at the tail end of the train and recognized by its distinct tapered shape. Some Sleeper Plus Class amenities include towels, pillows, cozy down duvets and a shower kit
Day 4 On-board VIA Rail
Watch the scenery change as you enter Manitoba and travel through the prairies and great plains of Canada. (breakfast, lunch & dinner included today onboard VIA Rail)
Day 5 On-board VIA Rail
Continue west through the breadbasket of Canada: Manitoba and Saskatchewan each have golden wheat fields stretching as far as the eye can see. (breakfast, lunch & dinner included today onboard VIA Rail)
Day 6 Arrive Jasper
This morning, awake to arrive in Jasper, a small alpine community located in the majestic Canadian Rockies.
Day 7 Discover Jasper & Its Wildlife Tour
Join a sightseeing excursion (included) to Jasper's lesser known gems, and search for wildlife along the way. Moose, elk, sheep, goats and wolves are commonly sighted in Jasper National Park. Following the tour, the remainder of your day is free to enjoy the alpine town of Jasper.
Day 8 Jasper Maligne Canyon Icewalk Tour
Enjoy a free day in Jasper. Many activities are available including walking trails, shopping, and dining, or you may choose to book a winter excursion through the concierge at your hotel. This evening experience the wonders of Maligne Canyon from the ground up! The canyon has withstood 10,000 years of erosion and has created a 50m gorge. Certified guides will lead groups of no more than 12 along the frozen canyon floor and its ice-clad limestone walls. Super soles and winter boots will keep you warm and secure as you explore this wonderland of rock and ice.
Please note: The ice walk tour normally operates mid-December - end-March
Day 9 Jasper to Vancouver (Rail)
This morning, board VIA Rail for Vancouver in Sleeper Plus Class. Leaving Jasper National Park, you'll travel the 'Yellowhead' route past the sprawling grandeur of Mount Robson. Watch the scenery change from mountains to desert as you follow the Thompson River into central British Columbia. (brunch and dinner included today onboard VIA Rail)
Exclusive to Sleeper Plus Class: By day, sit back in comfortable seating and enjoy the exclusive comfort of your own accommodation. Come evening, attendants will transform your quarters into cozy bunks or a bedroom. Don't forget to visit the Dome Car – the true essence of travelling by train is all in the panoramic views. Some Sleeper Plus Class amenities include towels, pillows, cozy down duvets and a shower kit.
Day 10 Arrive Vancouver (Rail)
Waking to the coastal city of Vancouver today, you will be transferred to your downtown hotel (included) upon arrival. The remainder of your day is at leisure to explore Vancouver on your own. Canada's third-largest metropolitan centre, Vancouver is a busy port city with a thriving multicultural ambiance. The city is located in a spectacular setting with the Coast Mountains across Burrard Inlet to the north, and the waters of the Strait of Georgia to the west. Restaurants, shopping, nightlife, a mild climate and a cosmopolitan atmosphere makes Vancouver a favourite tourist destination. (continental breakfast included today onboard VIA Rail)
Day 11 Vancouver
A check-out from your hotel concludes this memorable rail adventure.
Package Includes:
- 6 nights hotel accommodation
- 4 night sleeping accommodation onboard VIA Rail
- 4 breakfasts, 2 brunches, 2 lunches, 4 dinners onboard VIA Rail
Niagara Falls Day Tour, including:
- Journey Behind the Falls
- Meal overlooking Niagara Falls
- Winery tour and wine tasting
- Free time in Niagara-on-the-Lake
- Taxi transfers in Jasper between VIA Rail Station & Hotel
- Discover Jasper & Its Wildlife Tour
- Maligne Canyon Ice Walk (Dec 15th - Mar 30th)
- Taxi transfer between Vancouver Hotel and VIA Rail Station
- Vancouver Attractions Trolley Tour
- FlyOver Canada Admission
- Travel Documentation
Hotel Information (Moderate Grade)
- Toronto - Chelsea Hotel (Chelsea Room)
- VIA Rail (Upper/Lower Semi Private Sleeper Berth)
- Jasper - Lobstick Lodge (Standard Room)
- Vancouver - Rosedale on Robson (One Bedroom Deluxe)
Hotel Information (Superior Grade)
- Toronto - Hilton Toronto (Hilton Room)
- VIA Rail (Cabin)
- Jasper - Sawridge Inn (Outside Room with Balcony)
- Vancouver - Sheraton Vancouver Wall Centre (Traditional Room)
Hotel Information (Deluxe Grade)
- Toronto - Fairmont Royal York Hotel (Fairmont Room)
- VIA Rail (Cabin)
- Jasper - Fairmont Jasper Park Lodge (Fairmont Room)
- Vancouver - Fairmont Waterfront Hotel (Fairmont Room)
Moderate Grade with Upper/Lower Semi Private Sleeper Berth on-board VIA Rail
Chelsea Hotel../upload-images/ChelseaHotel1.jpg ../upload-images/ChelseaHotel2.jpg ../upload-images/ChelseaHotel3.jpg ../upload-images/ChelseaHotel4.jpg ../upload-images/ChelseaHotel5.jpg ../upload-images/ChelseaHotel6.jpg ../upload-images/ChelseaHotel7.jpg
VIA Rail (Semi Private Berth)../upload-images/VIARailSemiPrivateBerth1.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailSemiPrivateBerth2.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailSemiPrivateBerth3.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailSemiPrivateBerth4.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailSemiPrivateBerth5.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailSemiPrivateBerth6.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailSemiPrivateBerth7.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailSemiPrivateBerth8.jpg
Lobstick Lodge Winter../upload-images/LobstickLodgeWinter1.jpg ../upload-images/LobstickLodgeWinter2.jpg ../upload-images/LobstickLodgeWinter3.jpg ../upload-images/LobstickLodgeWinter4.jpg ../upload-images/LobstickLodgeWinter5.jpg ../upload-images/LobstickLodgeWinter6.jpg ../upload-images/LobstickLodgeWinter7.jpg
Rosedale on Robson Suite Hotel../upload-images/RosedaleonRobsonSuiteHotel1.jpg ../upload-images/RosedaleonRobsonSuiteHotel2.jpg ../upload-images/RosedaleonRobsonSuiteHotel3.jpg ../upload-images/RosedaleonRobsonSuiteHotel4.jpg
Superior Grade with Private Cabin on-board VIA Rail
Hilton Toronto../upload-images/HiltonToronto1.jpg ../upload-images/HiltonToronto2.jpg ../upload-images/HiltonToronto3.jpg ../upload-images/HiltonToronto4.jpg ../upload-images/HiltonToronto5.jpg ../upload-images/HiltonToronto6.jpg ../upload-images/HiltonToronto7.jpg
VIA Rail (Cabin)../upload-images/VIARailCabin1.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin2.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin3.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin4.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin5.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin6.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin7.jpg
Sawridge Inn Winter../upload-images/SawridgeInnWinter1.jpg ../upload-images/SawridgeInnWinter2.jpg ../upload-images/SawridgeInnWinter3.jpg ../upload-images/SawridgeInnWinter4.jpg
Sheraton Wall Centre Vancouver../upload-images/SheratonWallCentreVancouver1.jpg ../upload-images/SheratonWallCentreVancouver2.jpg ../upload-images/SheratonWallCentreVancouver3.jpg ../upload-images/SheratonWallCentreVancouver4.jpg ../upload-images/SheratonWallCentreVancouver5.jpg ../upload-images/SheratonWallCentreVancouver6.jpg
Deluxe Grade with Private Cabin on-board VIA Rail
Fairmont Royal York Hotel../upload-images/FairmontRoyalYorkHotel1.jpg ../upload-images/fairmont-royal-york-hotel-2.jpg ../upload-images/fairmont-royal-york-hotel-3.jpg ../upload-images/fairmont-royal-york-hotel-4.jpg ../upload-images/fairmont-royal-york-hotel-5.jpg ../upload-images/fairmont-royal-york-hotel-6.jpg ../upload-images/fairmont-royal-york-hotel-7.jpg
VIA Rail (Cabin)../upload-images/VIARailCabin1.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin2.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin3.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin4.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin5.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin6.jpg ../upload-images/VIARailCabin7.jpg
Fairmont Jasper Park Lodge Winter../upload-images/FairmontJasperParkLodgeWinter1.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontJasperParkLodgeWinter2.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontJasperParkLodgeWinter3.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontJasperParkLodgeWinter4.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontJasperParkLodgeWinter5.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontJasperParkLodgeWinter7.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontJasperParkLodgeWinter8.jpg
Fairmont Waterfront Hotel../upload-images/FairmontWaterfrontHotel1.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontWaterfrontHotel2.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontWaterfrontHotel3.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontWaterfrontHotel4.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontWaterfrontHotel5.jpg ../upload-images/FairmontWaterfrontHotel6.jpg


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User:The UnIdiot/archive3
I archived my talk page here, and then here. Leave all messages, templates, complaints, death threats, and thank yous below.
- 1 Your talk page's virginity is MINE
- 2 Ta
- 3 Mental Switchboard
- 4 Scat
- 5 icu tag
- 6 Really really really really really really late thanks
- 7 Thanks for voting
- 8 UnSignpost: May 8th, 2008
- 9 UnSignpost Sunday Edition: May 11th, 2008
- 10 Generic Rock Song
- 11 Long-delayed thankings
- 12 UnSignpost: May 15th, 2008
- 13 Thanks for the Vote
- 14 UnSignpost: May 22nd, 2008
- 15 UnSignpost: May 29nd, 2008
- 17 UnSignpost: June 5th, 2008
- 18 New Joy-zee
- 19 UnSignpost: June 12th, 2008
- 20 Dude.
- 21 UnSignpost: June 19th, 2008
- 22 history book thing
- 23 UnSignpost: June 26nd, 2008
- 24 Stuff
- 26 Woaaaah, far out!
- 27 Thanks and all!
- 28 UnSignpost: Jewlie 3rd/10th, 2008
- 29 Poo Lit Surprise
- 30 |<-- UnIdiot has left irc.freenode.net ("5$")
- 31 UnSignpost: July 17th, 2008
- 32 UnSignpost: July 24th, 2008
Your talk page's virginity is MINE
Ha-ha, popped your cherry. - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 01:34, Apr 28
|Tha - wait for it! - nkyou!
UU wanted to express his thanks for your vote for that military thing he re-wrote.
Unfortunately, he asked several members of this year's winning regiment to deliver those thanks, and as you can see, they're having trouble getting to you. So you'll have to make do with this brown template instead. Cheers!
Thankies! --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 20:07, Apr 28
Mental Switchboard
Holy motherfuck that's a big gif on your front page. Who designed that? ~
Jacques Pirat, Esq. Converse : Benefactions : U.w.p.
28/04/2008 @ 22:20
- User:Masterof9puppets. Wasn't my idea. - UnIdiot | | Talk | Contribs - 22:52, Apr 28
- Speaking of that thing... BP tomorrow? - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 23:08, Apr 28
I'm willing to try and make you something better. I've got some political doctrine to write currently, so I won't be able to do anything until later this week. ~
Jacques Pirat, Esq. Converse : Benefactions : U.w.p.
29/04/2008 @ 00:16
- Don't bother, we just made that website. I don't like it much, but everyone else in the band does. Thanks for the offer anyway! - UnIdiot | | Talk | Contribs - 00:24, Apr 29
- Actually, I don't really like it that much... Of course, I'm darkly cynical. - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 00:26, Apr 29
- I at least want to convert the background image, and stick it in the actual CSS background. That way it will load faster and you can't drag or click on the image by accident. ~
Jacques Pirat, Esq. Converse : Benefactions : U.w.p.29/04/2008 @ 00:29
You asked for the songs for an audio. My suggestion would be to read the scat in a deadpan voice rather than trying to use clips from the songs. Here's a rough guide to the songs: Intro paragraph 1. "Scat Like That" (http://www.cathymarcy.com/CDXtrasPage/ScatLyrics.pdf)
First picture caption 1. "Jeepers Creepers" (Louis Armstrong) [1] 2. "Hellzapoppin" (Louis Armstrong) [2] 3. Unknown Louis Armstrong, borrowed from [3]
Mairzy Doats Title is from the song "Mairzy Doats" [4], as is "A kiddley divey too" 1. "Bah bah doo bah". I forget. 2. Boop boop be doop boop is Betty Boop's catchphrase. 3. "Chibaba" is from Perry Como's "Chibaba Chibaba" [5] 4. Zippety doo dah is from Disney 5. "Shoorah Shoorah" is the name of a song by Betty White [6] 6. The whole "Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi" sequence is from Cab Calloway's "Minnie the Moocher".
Wikipedia link box 1. "Blue Moon" by the Marcels [7] 2. "On the Beach at Waikiki" by Hank Snow 3. "Jump Jump" by Kris Kross
Shoobee doo wop wop 1. The phrase "Shoobee doo wop wop" is just generic doo-wop words from fifties songs 2. "Salagadoola mechicka boola Bibbity Boppity Boo" is from Disney's "Cinderella" 3. Shoobee doobee doodah day. I forget. Probably a combination of Camptown Races and generic doo-wop. 4. "Tutti Frutti" by Little Richard 5. Aye-yi-yi-yi is from "Louie Louie" by the Kingsmen 6. "Needle in a Haystack" by the Velvelettes [8] 7. "Be-bop-a-lula" by Gene Vincent [9] 8. "Come Go With Me" by the Beach Boys (this is really a 60s song, not a 50s song, but what are you going to do.) [10] 9. "Blue Moon" by the Marcels again. 10. "He's So Fine" by the Chiffons 11. "Mony Mony" by Tommy James and the Shondelles 12. "Da Doo Ron Ron" by the Crystals 13. Wee, oh we oh and the We um um away footnote are from "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" 14. "Surfing Bird" by the Trashmen
Krishna picture caption "Rama Lama Ding Dong" by the Edsels
Oh we chirpy chirpy cheep cheep 1. "Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep" by Middle of the Road [11] 2. "Dum Dum Ditty" by the Shangri-La's [12] 3. "Doo Wa Ditty (Blow That Thing)" by Zapp and Roger [13] 4. The "Chicka chong" part is the Hong Kong Phooey theme song by Scatman Crothers. [14] 5. The Sti diddly doo bee is Bob Marley's "Crazy Baldhead" (same link as #4 above) 6. The Qu'est-ce que c'est quote is from Talking Heads "Psycho Killer" 7. Mah Nà Mah Nà, doo doo de doo-doo is from the Muppets. Follow the link in the article. 8. the Lie lah lie part is "The Boxer" by Simon & Garfunkel 9. "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" [15]
Beatles photo caption 1. "I Am the Walrus" by the Beatles 2. "Ob-la-di Ob-la-da" by the Beatles
Karamu fiesta That phrase, and the "Tam bo li" part, are from Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" 1. "Meenee..." I forget, it might be "Flea Fly" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers 2. "Deduuduuduu" is really "Dee doo doo doo, De daa daa daa" by the Police. I just spelled it differently. 3. "Wanna Be Starting Something" by Michael Jackson 4. "Oh Yeah" by Yello [16] (an incredibly overplayed song in 80s movies)
Bum stiggety bum 1. "They Want EFX" by Das Efx [17] 2. My my my my is from "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer 3. "Oobey Doop" by Prince 4. "Mmm mmm mmm mmm" by Crash Test Dummies 5. "Mm-bop" by Hanson 6. That "A licky boom boom down" footnote is "Informer" by Snow 7. "Shoop" by Salt'n'Pepa 8. "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns 'n Roses 9. That whole quote is from "Double Dutch Bus" by Frank Smith 10. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana 11. "Jump Jump" by Kris Kross 12. "Nonsense" by Cursive [18]
Doll dagga buzz buzz ziggety zag 1. That phrase, and the photo caption, are by the song by that name by Marilyn Manson 2. "Bawitaba" by Kid Rock 3. The formula is "H to the Izz-O" by Jay-Z 4. "Na-nana-na" by Nelly 5. "What's My Name (part 2)" by Snoop Doggy Dogg
- Ugh, I was so wrong with "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" [19]. *sigh* Mightydandylion (talk) Fk 04:14, 3 May 2008 (UTC)
- Yeah, forget this, I'm not gunna use clips. I'll still do an audio though! - UnIdiot | | Talk | Contribs - 04:15, May 3
- The article is a little longer now. Spikebrennan 14:34, 8 May 2008 (UTC)
- Yeah, forget this, I'm not gunna use clips. I'll still do an audio though! - UnIdiot | | Talk | Contribs - 04:15, May 3
- Ugh, I was so wrong with "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" [19]. *sigh* Mightydandylion (talk) Fk 04:14, 3 May 2008 (UTC)
icu tag
dont know why you added icu to "UnNews:Man is sentenced for being assaulted and trying to get away" Can you tell me? TonyClarke
- The concept doesn't make much sense, and it is way too short, and lacking pictures. I think it would be possible to make it into a decent UnNews however! Why don't you take a look at How to be funny and not just stupid for help. You have some time to work on it, however. If you work on it and make it better, I'll get the ICU removed! Good luck! - UnIdiot | | Talk | Contribs - 17:16, May 3
Really really really really really really late thanks
I felt like making one after all those months --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent 12:30, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
Thanks for voting
Thanks for voting for that article about the sun, or something. Yeah, so I was too lazy to make a template. That doesn't make this message any less generic though. -RAHB 08:19, 6 May 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: May 8th, 2008
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
May 8th, 2008 • Issue 1 • Yankees: 5
UnSignpost Unleashed on UnCommunity
Unless you were blinded or high during the time you read this newspaper's title, you know that Uncyclopedia finally has UnSignpost!
For too long, Uncyclopedia has been devoid of talk page spam, such as thank you templates and welcome messages. To rectify this, Dr. Skullthumper, a local doctor and zombie specialist, and Cajek, one of the last members of the light-blue-ish species of Cajeks, have created a newspaper in the latest exercise in futility to hit the site since Forum:Count to a million.
Skullthumper and Cajek spent 15 hours working on the first edition, not including writing time. Said Skull, who was trying to sleep until we interviewed him, "Those assholes better appreciate this. They'd BETTER."
News has reached us that friendships were strained during the production of the first issue. Skullthumper, whose hospital room we broke into, said "F**king Cajek. I will NEVER forgive him for what he did to me! Oh, see you guys in the office Monday."
The Uncyclopedia Signpost has a world-wide circulation of more than 3, with plans for further issues.
Uncyclopedia, a humor wiki that you're on right now, has thrown itself into a state of chaos and is on the verge of collapse. Unless someone either writes more or writes less, the wiki that we have come to know and love (like that retarded cousin that comes over during Christmastime) will vanish. Unless it doesn't, in which case someone's going to be very disappointed. Codeine, Save the Mooses, and a bunch of other people we've never heard of give the site 6 days to "clean up its god damned act."
Because the site is doomed, the local WikiNewspaper, UnSignpost, will soon print its last issue. Cajek, one of the editors, said of the event, "No we're not closing down you bunch a 'tards! You're the worst reporters I've ever seen! DON'T YOU DARE PUT THAT IN THE FIRST ISSUE!"
Local psychics have set Uncyclopedia's Doomsday for next Monday, around teatime.
Wikia is reportedly looking into making new features such as accidentally dumping the database for Shits and Giggles™. These reporters would like to thank Wikia for working so hard to keep our beloved wiki running, and would also like to say "FU WIKIA", preferably in caps.
Pee Review Does Goodly
One of the newer cults, YesTimeToEdit's Cow Moo Cult is our... CULT OF THE WEEK!
With a base located in the jungles of Nebraska, YTTE's cult makes all the fun things you want, like polygamy, sodomy, and, in YTTE'S case, polysodomy, legal. Sadly, unlike more Eastern-y cults, it does not practice Kung Fu. But you can bet that if it did, it wouldn't just use it for defense. ...Damn namby-pamby bastard Easterny cults.
YesTimeToEdit's eternal nemesis, NoTimeToRevert, has not announced plans to start a cult, but probably has one in secret just to be a dick. That guy is such a dick.
Rcmurphy nominated for Noob of the Month again
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:23, 8 May 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost Sunday Edition: May 11th, 2008
The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By Mordillo, We Swear!
May 11th, 2008 • Issue 2 • Scene XII
Wikia staff finally locates blockage in the Internet tubes: Spang's talkpage
After endless days of searching itself, Wikia has discovered the source of all its problems.
"It's not DPL," Wikia's local sexy janitor, who wished to remain anonymous, told reporters. "It's not those damn ParserFunctions either, or forums, or even Chuck Norris." When asked what the real cause of Wikia's distresses were, our source remained tight-lipped by stapling his mouth shut. Which was probably a bad idea, considering he ended up writhing in pain on the floor, bleeding all over the nice Wikia rugs. Thankfully, the UnSignpost has a trained doctor on its staff, who was sensible enough to call for medical help.
After the sexy janitor was revived, he said "rar." When further questioned about the source of all Wikia's woes, he finally admitted it was Spang's talkpage.
"Uncyclopedia user "Spang"'s refusal to archive his talkpage is slowly clogging up the arteries of the Internet," says a technical forum at Wikia. "The talkpage in question has already managed to crash all three of the computers in Australia."
Upon being asked to archive his talkpage, Spang reportedly said, "No."
When Uncyclopedia was asked to comment, the site had this to say: "FU SPANG".
UnSignpost Releases First Issue
May 8th, 2008: Uncyclopedia develops a new fungus... a newspapery one. "Through all the shockporn and Oscar Wilde references, we made it!" Founder Dr. Skullthumper said at a recent press conference. At the conference in Skullthumper's backyard, editor-in-chief Cajek, wearing a traditional light blue Mongolian Toga and screaming at birds, had more to add. "I would like to thank all the writers involved. Thank you, you gods of men. You captains of the human experience."
Police are investigating the use of strong hallucinogenic drugs during the making of the first issue. So far, the investigation has reached the top of the Unsignpost empire, when detectives found Dr. Skullthumper forcing his staff to squirt automotive door-lock de-icer up their noses to "enhance the creative joo-joo." Local police then ordered the paper to rescind two award-winning articles from its May 8th release. Two of the most hardened criminals on the UnSignpost staff, Meatbone and Spider, are currently planning revenge.
When asked if UnSignpost was, like the Daily Show, the Onion, or Uncyclopedia, popular enough to parody itself, Cajek said "No. Obviously not. We can't say we suck yet, or else people would be like 'yeah, they do suck!' We have to wait until people like us. Then, when they read us making fun of ourselves they'll be all like 'this paper ROX!'" In the meantime, the paper promises to not make fun of itself, and will stick to meta-parodying instead until "someone important says it's okay."
Heavy metal music found to be beneficial when reverting vandals
In a study involving Squiggle, RAHB, Cajek, Fnoodle, Dr. Skullthumper, and Starnestommy, in which they fought diligently for Uncyclopedia through the night, heavy metal music was found to be the best for the purpose of "ass-kicking". After sprinkling some magic over the statistics, they automatically became true.
Cajek's Corner
Today, we're going to make a standard Uncyclopedia article, Cajek-style. You will need:
Now, we'll combine the elements together into something that might be called an "article". In reality, all you have to do is whine for a good few pages of text, then sprinkle the annoying elements - sparingly. Add headlines and split up paragraphs to disguise your rant as a well-formatted article, and you're done!
Skull's Skullery
Hi kids! Today, we're going to travel with me, Dr. Skullthumper, through a normal day at Uncyc!
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 04:39, 11 May 2008 (UTC)
Generic Rock Song
Hey, dude, can you send that Generic Rock Song to me so I can add a generic solo? You know, the master track or something..
- Sure, thing. File:Genericrockthinguntainted.mp3 is the untainted, completely raw version. When you record the track, feel free to upload the results over that file, and I'll download it and master it. Have fun! - UnIdiot | | Talk | Contribs - 19:17, May 12
Long-delayed thankings
Hey, sorry I'm, uhh, a little bit late on the thanks for this thing... I've been really, really, busy. Anyways, thanks for voting, and, with any luck, those delusional fools will let me out of this hell-hole soon.
|I'm going to burn you all!
Hey, absence makes the heart grow fonder, amirite? - Don Leddy the Crunch (Nyah, see, nyah!) 23:57, May 12
UnSignpost: May 15th, 2008
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
May 15st, 2008 • Issue
2 3
The Bible Finally Catches a Break
For years... or whatever... Conservapedia has attacked Uncyc for being too liberal. Today, Uncyc publicly derobes itself, and reveals its patriotic side. From now on, "Uncyclopedia" will be renamed "Falwellapedia" in honor of the late pastor, Jerry Falwell who died May 15th, 2007. Unsignpost spoke with the founder, Modusoperandi, in his isolated forest bunker.
"I hate how the liberals treat us!" Modus shouted, along with his two followers. "Don't they see that when they make fun of us, the lord rolls over in his soon-to-be-resurrected grave?" The conservative propagandabot Fbooble is scheduled to "purge the site of any left-wing statements" by the end of the week, soon after it gains self-awareness and joins the Republican party.
"HUMANS, CLOSE YOUR NOISE HOLES AND PAY ATTENTION!" Fbooble proclaimed at a recent press conference. "THE DEMOCRATS AND ALL THOSE OTHER LIBERALS ARE NEARING THE END." Fbooble, whose titanium wristwatch glistened in the afternoon sun, held up a copy of the Falwell Children's Bible near the conclusion of the conference and said "ALL PRAISE JEBUS, AND HIS INVINCIBLE ARMY OF DISCIPLES!" Although Fbooble is unclear on the details of religion right now, it promises to become ultraconservative when it does.
Not all Uncyc users are happy with the transition. Although we could not find anyone who actually called themselves a liberal, we did manage to vandalize a hybrid just to equal the score. Unsignpost promises a lucrative year via advertising revenue for the Republican National Committee and a weekly "Republican of the Week" section.
Changes by Fbooble will include replacing all swear words, such as ****** and ***********, with the word "daffodil," and deleting all articles. Shockporn deemed unworthy will be replaced with this image, and quotes not from the bible will be deleted with extreme prejudice. All non-American users, such as that one guy are to be called "fags", also with extreme prejudice.
How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid, one of the hallmarks of Uncyclopedia, has reached the top of the heap. Mordillo, an administrator who will be the least offended when we attribute absolutely false quotes to him, recently said of the page "Finally! Although I've never read it, I hear it's full of fatherly, patronizing advice for those newbs that write those articles I'm constantly huffing!"
Mhaille, who has the most linked-to userpage on Uncyc, was slightly more angry at the recent news. "I'm only in 10th place? What the f**k?" While spying on Mhaille from under his bed, the news staff heard language that no human being was ever supposed to hear. Thankfully, the staff was smashed on Listerine, and may have just made up the entire event. Mhaille commented that "No, they didn't make it up, and if they do it again they had better bring enough Listerine for everyone."
The user responsible for the 36,000+ links to How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid wishes to remain anonymous, but said to our reporters through a wiretap "I just got too carried away. I wish I could take it back, but I can't, and that's no reason for threatening my family in this way! Oh jeez, I hope you get this message, Uncyclopedia. All right, I'm hanging up now, and I hope you're not angry. *BEEP*"
UnSignpost Releases Second Issue
May 15th, 2008: Uncyclopedia has developed an open wound... a newspaperish one. Riding high on their success, Dr. Skullthumper and Cajek have "deployed their golden parachutes" and are "planning to pack up our shit" and "get the hell out of here."
Wearing his trademark solid gold sweatpants, bought with the advertising from the first and second issues of Unsignpost, Dr. Skullthumper said "It was fun, I guess, but now it's time to move on. Like a wild hyena, Unsignpost has left its mark. There are no more stories to cover: no more people to attribute fake quotes to." Cajek, munching on a shish kabob of bald eagle babies, had nothing to add except maniacal laughter as he threw thousands of dollars into the air.
Unsignpost, bankrupted by the two owner's antics, is planning to make the paper a paid subscription, unless something kooky happens, in which case it won't. In addition to subscriptions, Unsignpost is having a luau at Mike's house to raise money. "Oh, it'll be soooooo exciting!" Mike said. ...You know Mike. Anyway, Mike continued, "There'll be a silent auction, and a limbo contest, and a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey! Oh! So exciting!" With the proceeds, Unsignpost hopes to add a "Week Box of the Week of the Week" section and a mascot. Maybe a shark.
Protein folding: The latest in computer entertainment
"Well that's great," you say. "So I'm helping compute protein folding, a never-before-possible situation to model on computers, and thus helping cure some of the most misunderstood diseases to strike humankind as well as advancing the knowledge of the human race into parts of science that were up until recently perceived as impossible. So what's in it for ME?!"
You, yes you, will get the excitement of watching proteins fold in your very own home! "Wow!" exclaims part-time [email protected] user Dr. Skullthumper, "did you just see that? Did you just SEE the way that blue thing collided into that gray thing? Oh man, it was amazing! And in super-slow motion, too!" Other users have given the program similar reviews, describing it as "utterly transfixing" and "better quality entertainment than mitosis!" You, too, can join in the fun and the frenzy of the world of those wacky proteins - while saving the world!
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 01:09, 15 May 2008 (UTC)
Thanks for the Vote
Thanks for voteing for my article, big thankies;)--— Sir Sycamore (talk) 08:33, 19 May 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: May 22nd, 2008
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
May 22th, 2008 • Issue 4 • Par 6
Oldest Uncyclopedia Article Discovered
Renowned Uncyclopedia historian Spangle Gay Glittersprinkles, has discovered the oldest non-Uncyclopedia related article ever written. "The fact that pie was the first article really opened my eyes. It really did. I see it all now: Uncyclopedia, Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia... the construction and future of these wikis have been laid out before me."
When asked what he meant, Spang said that, upon reading the first version of the article Pie, the future of Uncyclopedia was revealed to him. The version presently up is "but a pale shadow of what it once was." The fabled first version of the article is, according to Spang and fellow UnArcheologist TheLedBalloon, "The DaVinci Code of Uncyclopedia." One of the oldest contributors, 188.8.131.52, is said to be the creator of the fabled text, but could not be reached for comment... maybe 'cuz he was gettin' laid or somethin' cool like that.
"If only the original version had survived!" Said Spang's lead balloon, who gained sentience upon glimpsing the article. "I want to know the significance of the Norris! The secret meaning behind the Wilde! The hidden power of the grue! I want to know the secret of the memes!"
"First of all, how did a balloon become an administrator? Oh, right, this is Uncyclopedia." Said long-missing founder Chronarion. "Second of all, the current article you have up there is, although not as mystical, still sorta mystical... For example, look at that quote at the top! CLASSIC Oscar Wilde!" Questions arose as to why the original version was deleted in the first place, but Chronarion, who only made an appearance in one of our writer's drug trips, merely cackled, turned into a tomato, and vanished in a cloud of LULZ!!1.
The mystery surrounding Pie continues, and Uncyclopedian historians are still seeking the truth. ...BUY A SUBSCRIPTION TO UNSIGNPOST to see further developments!
Following Third Issue, UnSignpost Wins All Sortsa Awards n' Shit
At the annual Uncyclopedia Signpost awards banquet, held every year in Dr. Skullthumper's backyard, the Signpost was the clear winner of the night, garnishing all 149 awards in all 144 categories.
The press was not invited to the gala, but the Unsignpost has heard that several Uncyclopedia celebrities were at the event. Mike - you know Mike - said, "Oh yeah, we got Chronarion and Save the... whatever it was... We got 'em all! We even had Famine! Even though he still hates us, he still bothered to show up and drunkenly berate the guests! In fact, I think he's still in there, berating the furniture!"
Unsignpost writers all agree that it's not pathetic to give yourself an award once in a while. We do our chores! We've been kicked around! Why don't we, the writers, get any recognition? The special boobie-prize, The Feel Okay About Ourselves Award for 2008, was accepted by Cajek on behalf of the writers instead of a paycheck. "Finally I get a god damned award." One of the writers dramatically grabbed the award away onstage and, crying, started screaming at the award itself. "WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU?!? YOU BASTARD!!"
Unsignpost is planning to make the awards banquet biweekly, in honor of the fact that the writers are extremely lonely, and just want a way to talk to loads of people without having to listen to "feedback".
Newest Uncyclopedia Article Discovered
Yes, the newest article, Jacob Zuma, created just at the time of this writing, is the newest article to date. No! Wait! It's RETARDIS. Wait, no, it's Broomstick. Oh whatever, the point is that we found it, and when it's deleted in three seconds, Unsignpost gets first gloating rights.
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 20:20, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: May 29nd, 2008
The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!
May 29th, 2008 • Issue 5
Uncyclopedia Second Most Active Wikia Site
According to local Wikia staffmember Sannse, Uncyclopedia is the second most active site, next to Halopedia. "Yep. People are more interested in Halos than Uncys. I've never really bothered to look at either site, so I'm not sure why one is more active than another, but I'm sure it's because Halopedia is superior."
Reporters on-site have looked into the rumors. Apparently, Halopedia is in fact not about halos, but instead is an entire wiki... devoted to a video game. "Oh lord, this is embarrassing," said Master Chief, the main character of said video games. "I thought I could keep this under wraps for a while longer, but you people in the press are like fucking vultures. WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!"
Apparently Halopedia's nearest competitor, Uncyclopedia, is some kind of "humor wiki" meant to induce laughter. "Uncyclopedia's laughter is nothing compared with ours," said Evilpedia's founder, User:Dr. Doom, "Our laughter will ring all throughout Wikia, and then: THE WORLD!". Other statistics include the nerdiest wiki and Furwiki, the most disturbing wiki.
Uncyclopedia is neither the largest wiki (Wookiepedia), nor the most active (Halopedia), but it does come very close to first in both categories. Who wants to be first place anyway? Nobody wants to win all the time! Like Unsignpost's father used to say: "You learn more from losing than winning!" and really, that's all that matters!
Following Fourth Issue, UnSignpost Does Lame Clip Show
After having not seen his boss for a few days, Cajek, or as his friends call him, "Cuntjek", and his team of writers have been forced to rely on past issues and a clip show in article form.
"Don't look at us that way!" said that one guy we were talking about. "A few days ago, when Skull was around, I was only editor of the fetish section, now I'm in charge of the whole thing. Jeez, I hope Skull is okay..." The lame clip show was said to be almost entirely from the first issue, when the Unsignpost was "cool", and before the fetish section took over the whole paper.
According to reports to this newsroom, the clip show article included the "weekbox of the week" from issue 1 that instructed Cajek and Skull to slather humor juice on an anonymous reader, and the "Goatse Challenging Gap" from issue 2. "Oh shit, what else we got?" Carjack screamed across the newsroom.
As of this issue, the huge portrait of Dr. Skullthumper has been prayed to for nigh two weeks since his mysterious disappearance. Fnoodle, who usually serves coffee to the writers (albeit very angrily), has gone on a quest to find his former master. So far, no word of Skullthumper's whereabouts have reached the press.
Letters to the Editor
I am a female student from University of Nigeria, Lagos. I am suitable yrs old. I'd like any person who can be caring, loving and home oriented. I will love to have a long-term relationship with you and to know more about you. I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming if you can be able to help me in this transaction. Well, my father died earlier two months ago and left my mother I and my junior brother behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him before his death. I was a Princess to him and I and my brother are the only people who can take Care of his wealth now because my mother is not literate enough to know all my father's wealth behind.
He left up to USD $27,350,000.00 dollars (TWENTY SEVEN MILLION, THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND US DOLLAR) with a security company, and I don't know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in abroad, so that my father's kindred will not take over what belongs to my father and our family, which they were planning to do without my present because I am a female as stated by our culture in the town. That is why I felt happy when I saw your contact which I strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will help me secure and invest this money. I thereby need your help in bringing the box contaning the money out from the security company, based on your reply I will furnish you with more details on how we can proceed. I am ready to pay 10% of the total amount to you if you help us in securing this money and another 10% interest of Annual Income to you, for handling this business for us, which you will strongly have absolute control over.
If you can handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in lifting this fund, kindly reach me and I will let you know the next step to take towards actualizing this transaction as quickly as possible. Please, note that this transaction is 110% risk free. I look forward hearing from you soonest.
Yours sincerest, Miss Lady Princess Irreverent
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 03:02, 29 May 2008 (UTC)
You remember that idea inspired by a certain Motorhead song? Here's my UnNews idea: UnNews:Scientists given money for cancer research devote it to production of an orgasmatron. I say we make it happen. Come on aim or respond or something, this could be funny. - Don Leddy the Crunch (Nyah, see, nyah!) 19:43, Jun 4
UnSignpost: June 5th, 2008
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
June 5th, 2008 • Issue 6
Sixth Issue Relies on Guest Writers
For the sixth issue of Unsignpost, guest writers from outside the fold have been chosen to write a bunch of stupid crap. Among them are the illiterate administrator Zombiebaron and reformed drug mule ThePaleOne. The community's outcries were heard soon afterwards, probably.
Jack Phoenix, a respected Wikia staff member, said of one of the articles "Nobody cares about Cajek trolling Wookiepedia anymore. In fact, I'm kind of ashamed of Uncyclopedia for doing something like this. It's like I'm at a well-written version of ED." The Unsignpost staff, full of miscreants and malcontents, hung its collective head in shame and went to the corner for a sit down.
Qua, who wanted to be in this issue of Unsignpost to whore his userpage, issued a statement at the press conference located at his Mayan temple: "Why didn't they do an injoke article on the fifth issue? Am I the only one who cares? Where have the lols gone, my friends? Where have the lols gone?" In response, the Unsignpost sent a secret "Fifth Issue Of Unsignpost" article directly to Qua, where it will be housed until his death.
The Unsignpost writers, who have had a cut in pay since the leaving of Dr. Skullthumper, are now relying on the work of random people found on IRC for their inspiration. We now present to you an article in the Unsignpost by somebody else about a guy who works at the Unsignpost...
/me headdesk [note: "me" refers to the entire Unsignpost staff]
It has been reported on #uncyclopedia that Cajek, our resident editor, has been banned from the "Star Wars Wiki", Wookieepedia. There has been an outrage in the star wars community, as they find Cajek to be a charming and respectable fellow [ed note: Cajek did NOT write this!]. Even us here at the the UnSignPost believe so, ( but don't tell Cajek that! ) [ed note: I SAW THAT! YOU'RE OFF THE CASE!]
I spoke to one Cajek fan, Darth Vader, to see what kind of impact this has had on the community. "It really is tragic to see him get banned," said a distraught Vader, with tears dripping from his helmet, "I just don't understand it! How can there be no Cajek?! We've seen his greatest and sometimes his somewhat lameness. But we will be EPIC FAIL without him" Vader's emotionally wrecked state shows the devastation caused by the Wookieepedia senate's unruly vote. I just hope Palpatine wasn't behind this, I voted for him too!
I sat down with another fan, Jar Jar Binks, to discuss this radical move. "Mesa think its outrageous! Mesa no like Wookieepedia afta this! This beein worse than <insert name here>'s bombad faggotry!" And indeed it is. Personally, I denounce the Leftist Bias of Wookieepedia and their slander against Cajek. What did he ever do to them right? Personally, I hope Something really bad happens to those immature, pubescent, oxycotin sniffing children. In other news, 52% of Uncyclopedia agrees that Cajek should be set on fire on Sunday's Luau against 45% for drowned in his own discharge. 3% were undecided.
Alright. So. This is going to be cool. Because. You see. Therefore. Once upon a time. There was this really big house. Inside the house was a monster. Oh. This is a newspaper. Well, in that case, the monster was operating a grow op. Right. And the monster was named Skullthumper (because this is his fault, really, when you deconstruct it down to the last proton). Yeah!!!! But. Going onwards and upwards. The cops busted the grow op. It was fucking huge, man. THIS IS NEWS. IN THE UNSIGNPOST.
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 05:20, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
New Joy-zee
Left you a new review on the talk page. VOOM! -RAHB 05:56, 9 June 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: June 12th, 2008
The Newspaper That Openly Admits Its Liberal And Conservative Biases!
June 12th, 2008 • Issue 7
Cajek banned - New, shittier writer assigned to this stupid job
Recently Cajek, an Uncyclopedia user who has been labelled as a mystical creature, was been given a one month ban by the council of Wikia. Users who feared that UnSignpost would not be written or delivered. But
Qua, who is currently in a state of shock, said that "Cajek was a good guy, I didn't expect him to get banned for a month. He was about to help me, I don't know what he was going to help me with but he was going to help me with something.". Many Uncyclopedians that are known have a hold a grudge against Cajek celebrated his recent ban saying "While he might be back in only a month, we should take the time to celebrate and rejoice a Cajek-free environment."
It has been reported that Flumpa, Uncyclopedia's very own pimply faced ginger-nut has left Uncyclopedia forever, due to irreconcilable differences. He cites the banning of users, fights between the two, the treatment of IP's as "real people" and the lack of cookies in mommas cookie jar.
One of our reporters spoke to Flumpa as he was packing his wagon to leave Uncyclopedia "I like the holding hands and the fairy floss but Sophia has icky wiki germs and I just couldn't get past that. However I hear this new EDwina down the street is available, she may play in mud but I hear she has yummy yummy cookies."
127.0.0.1, leader of the "IPs are Real People, Too" Foundation had said that "Flumpa makes some great points on IP treatment, such as telling them that behind that string of random numbers lies an actual person; A person with heart. A person with brain. A person with spleen." When asked whether he would share his hard earned money on a badge from the Keep-the-IP's-out-of-Bannation-Foundation, this reporter simply told them to bugger off and get their own alcohol addiction gawdammit! We do, however, wish Flumpa the best of luck as he travels across the wiki-street with his trademarked brand of Off-topic forums to meet this EDwina fellow.
We at the UnSignpost would like to remind all Uncyclopedian editors that June is Internet safety month. Through the efforts of Uncyclopedia and other sites across the Internet, we can help protect innocent children and frail grandmothers from seeing offensive content BONER Uhm, we're sorry about that. The editor that wrote that previous sentence has been fired, in accordance with the rules of Internet safety month. UnSignpost would like to remind all editors to use extra padding in tables, because we don't want the little kiddies touching the sharp edges and getting hurt. As per Internet safety month, all uploaded porn will be closely monitored to see if the models are engaging in safe fucking. I mean sex. SEX! I meant SEX! We apologize for the previous two editors. They have been shot, out in the hallway, in the most safe method possible, we assure you. We even laid out cushions for them to fall on. Anyway, Websense and other Internet blocking sites will up its sensors to block over 99.99% of the Internet. What will remain is available is the Wikipedia article "Frog", weather.com, and anything unblocked in China.
We at UnSignpost wish you a happy Internet safety month, and hope that you stay safe. Remember to always use a firewall.
Websense has blocked this column for the following reason: This column contains "humor".
Difficult times lie ahead for schoolbound Uncyclopedians. A series of semi-challenging tests lie in the near future for many, and everyone's workload seems to be growing. Unfortunately for Uncyclopedians, finals are nearly here.
However, luckily for Uncyclopedia, finals are almost here! This means that, as procrastination rates skyrocket, Uncyclopedia activity grows proportionally. Haven't been studying for your math final? Those fancy words mean that Uncyclopedia usage is going up, just as teachers pull out their hair worrying about keeping their kids' averages above the department bottom line so they can keep their jobs.
However, here at UnSignpost and Uncyclopedia, we pride ourselves on allowing for multi-tasking. So, here is a series of brief study guides that are pretty much all you need:
Science: For this final, you will be asked questions about science. However, simply remember a few facts, and your science final will be a breeze. These include remembering that ontogeny does not recapitulate phylogeny, pyruvate and phosphofruktokinase function as glycolytic enzymes, and the kidneys are located three ribs up from the malnuric sphincter.
Math: Just prove to your teacher that 1=2, and any answer you give is automatically right.
English: ENGLISH, MOFO, DO YOU SPEAK IT?
History: To pass this, just try to remember a few important dates: 622BC, 394BC, 211BC, 5BC, 11AD, 24AD, 300AD, 906AD, 1102AD, 1619AD, 1791AD, 1963AD, and 2012AD.
Tech. Ed.: Basically, you take a saw and cut shit up. Fucking A.
Music class: Try not to fail and blow any notes. You'd sure look like a real tool, then, huh.
Art: Just explain to your teacher how deep and misunderstood you are, and paint your feelings. Take a few pictures with a black and white camera setting and write a few "dark" poems, and if your teacher knows how often you cry then you'll have an easy A.
Foreign language: THIS IS AMERICA, SPEAK AMERICAN!
Gym: If you're really planning on studying for this final, then only God can help you now.
An article by Zombiebaron has caused a huge feud between the all-powerful admins that could ban me again. Thekillerfroggy has charged that the "Nonsense Watermelon Catastrophe" was not newsworthy enough, while Zombiebaron charges that the article is newsworthy, and therefore should not be deleted. In the fight, many people have cried "drama" and run for their lives.
"Oh, this is deliiiicious!" said resident fucktard Drama. We spoke to Drama in his white linoleum mansion. He stopped seductively petting his gay snow leopard long enough to talk to us. "I loooove drama. I want their drama dripping all over my linoleum castle. I want their orgasmic screams of anger to rattle the walls! What do you think, Puffles?"
"Oohh, puurrrrr" said Puffles.
Some of the more regular users have claimed that the drama will bring unwanted side effects. RAHB has recently said to one of our reporters: "Remember, when there's drama, Ljlego touches himself." [Ed note: he said that on IRC, I swear. to. god. ban: banbanban.]
Zombiebaron, an administrator who just happens to be a spectre of the unwept dead, spoke at his crypt this Tuesday dressed in his ceremonial black and red robes: "Hhhgggrrrr, I do not like speaking to the public: They give me a rash. As far as how random uncyclopedia is, we have two admins who are a balloon and a frog, so my article is perfect. The drama will not be settled until I taste the frog's flesh. Suffffeeeerrrrrr..."
The Killer Froggy issued a statement soon after, with his frog army in the background: "ribbit? RIBBIT! ribbit. ribbit ribbit ribbit!" Both administrators have promised to ban the poor, misunderstood writer of this article if their statements were printed, but that's the risk we take to bring you the news. That's just how cool we are.
Drama is the real winner here. As of this printing, he is planning to buy his gay snow leopard a fluffy red cape with the profits. And remember: every time there's drama, Ljlego touches himself. I'm not fucking kidding. He's all like, "oh yeah, oh, oh yeah I love you drama" and they're both in the love coven, snugglin' n' shit. I have pictures, guys! I swear it's totally ins AS OF THIS PARAGRAPH, CAJEK HAS BEEN BANNED INDEFINITELY.
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 16:53, 12 June 2008 (UTC)
Pay close attention to August third. WE HAVE TO GO. - Don Leddy the Crunch (Nyah, see, nyah!) 05:44, Jun 14
- Agreed! On another note, North Hampton is also where my uncle lives! - UnIdiot | | Talk | Contribs - 14:58, Jun 14
UnSignpost: June 19th, 2008
The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!
19whenever-th, 2008 • Issue 8
UnSignpost abandoned by creators!
Uncyclopedia's popular newspaper/tacky tabloid rag (delete according to preference) the UnSignpost - already floundering following the loss of founding editor Dr. Skullthumper - has been dealt another, possibly fatal blow, with the news that popular feature-machine and international diplomat Cajek has not been arsed to edit the latest issue. When thursday June 19th dawned without the by-now-traditional UnSignpost dropping onto their talkpages, Unycylopedians everywhere could be heard bravely dealing with the incident by pretending they hadn't noticed. We asked prominent Uncyc contributors for their reactions to the journalistic crisis facing their favourite wiki-based news delivery system. "SCREAM FOR ME BOSTON.... SCREAM FOR ME BOSTON!" said Don Leddy, obviously coping badly with the news.
Sensing a possible catastrophe, DJ Irreverent bravely leaped into the breach and created a forum topic that galvanised the community, while UU declared himself too busy to help, then promptly wrote about half of the paper. While still suffering from writer's block, which explains the total lack of lulz and inspiration thus far. It's probably about time to link to nobody cares and close this story now, isn't it?
Industrial mogul joins Uncyclopedia, promises great wealth to all.
Donald Trump, the man, the legend, the Tower, the hairstyle, has taken time out of his busy international schedule to create a forum topic promising affluence beyond the dreams of avarice to all on Uncyclopedia! Despite the impeccable credentials displayed on his userpage, so far only Qua and SysRq managed to take advantage of the popular billionaire's altruism before he was ruthlessly banned by noted anti-capitalist Codeine. UnSignpost was particularly impressed with Codeine's ability to resist the temptation to use "you're fired" as a block reason, as we are sure it would have been all but overwhelming.
It is to be hoped that, on his return from bannination, Mr Trump will use his undoubted wealth and business connections to help Uncyc beat the ever-encroaching threat of Wikia's advertising plans.
N00b ties knot
Popular recent NotM winner Cheapinitreal has further embarrassed the Uncyclopedia community by becoming all respectable and getting married. Confessing to his transgression, Cheap added "all and all, it was a right fine week". The UnSignpost would like to write something really funny here, then wish Cheap all the best, but this issue is being rushed out as it's, like, way late, so we just don't have time.
UnSignpost resorts to blatant filler
In a move heralded as "an exciting development in journalism" by guest editor UU, the UnSignpost today employed blatant flannel to fill an annoying white gap at the bottom of the page. It is believed that this is the first such instance of using blatant rubbish to fill a newspaper page in journalistic history. "I'm proud to be at the vanguard of such a groundbreaking technique" said UU, before going off to scour Cajek's ideas page in a desperate hunt for inspiration. "Is this long enough yet?" he added, before concluding "not quite, another few words or so should do the trick".
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 00:59, 21 June 2008 (UTC)
history book thing
Don't order me one; I just got one in the mail... Hope you get this... :/ - Don Leddy the Crunch (Nyah, see, nyah!) 19:46, Jun 23
UnSignpost: June 26nd, 2008
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
June 26th, 2008 • Issue 9
Uncyclopedia running out of Interesting Stuff. UnSignpost in Jeopardy!
Recently. Uncyclopedia, in its maternal state. Is running out of interesting stuff as most users keep filling her with the same old stuff day after day. Most if not almost all of the staff at the UnSignpost panicked as this meant that their newspaper, which faced the threat of disabondement yesterday. Could be folded by the Uncyclopedia
Penis Man returns!
At exactly 12:29 AM Monday morning, some local idiot decided that it would be a great day to stir up drama and piss people off with some long forgotten shit. And with that, Penis Man made his way back to our great Uncyclopedia with the intent of vandalizing Boomer's userpage. Soon after, the Town drunk Eugene Kay decided to follow suit by uploading the same image by the name of Zombiepenis. Why he decided to make such an apparent strike at the admin who has beat him so much is currently unknown. We at UnSignpost give them both a 25000000:1 chance of being banned.
Local Uncyclopedian starts up Devil-Worship Wiki
In a recent devil-related press conference. Cartoon Diablo, the younger and sillier version of Diablo. Has started up The Devil's Wiki, a wiki dedicated to worship of Satanism and The Devil itself. In a recent interview, Cartoon Diablo has said personally that "The wiki's going to contain a lot about the devil, no seriously. There's going to be articles about the caverns of hell, the kind of foods the devil eats and also various artworks done by the Devil himself. And if your asking if it's going to be great. Well... Yeah!, It's going to be satantastic!". Immediately after this was posted on the UnSignpost, 2 people have joined the satanic wiki. The 2 people are described to be a Himilianian Yettie and an Male Amish Human. Both of them have pledged their allegiance to the devil in return for absolute power. In today's weather report, make sure to bring an umbrella as Hell may be raining over within the next few days.
Uncyclopedia's Reign of the Newbs Begins
Interestingly enough, lots of new noobs (and old noobs) are getting featured articles these days. Somehow, the cult of the newbs has awoken, and Uncyc has felt its presence link to Double Entendre. Oh... did I say that out loud?
"I don't trust the young 'uns," said Farmer O'Dell at his grain silo, "They write funny articles, yeah, but what do they contribute to the community?" Actually, writers like Hyperbole, Cheapinitreal, and The Woodburninator have stepped up, and are already commanders. Except that last one, who is close enough. Big time contributors like YesTimeToEdit, Qua, and Orian57 are cleaning up this pig sty. Older members of uncyc have become less active, and are paving the way for these rising stars to shine.
Uh, speaking as myself? I've never been more proud of Uncyclopedia than I have in the last month or so. Keep it up, guys!
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 22:47, 27 June 2008 (UTC)
Told me to leave this here. Hey man, I'm just following orders. -RAHB 11:59, 2 July 2008 (UTC)
PLEEEEEEEEEEASE? Answer on my talk page. <insert name here> <(^_^<) or something like that 15:47, 4 July 2008 (UTC)
Woaaaah, far out!
-RAHB 23:07, 7 July 2008 (UTC)
Thanks and all!
Yeh...hi The UnIdiot. Sorry, I've been really lazy and can't be bothered with the whole template thing. Well actually, this is a template...I'm just substing it in. It's just as generic and unpersonalised as a template, so don't worry about that! Anyway thanks and all for voting for this. Erm, yeh...it's on the frontpage! Woo! Also I created a tribute to it, after some talks with Hypeybole. Anyway, thanks again, The UnIdiot! - [08:44 10 July] Sir FSt Don http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/a/a3/MafiaHatBlack.gif Yettie
UnSignpost: Jewlie 3rd/10th, 2008
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
July 10th, 2008 • Tenth Issue Spectacular!
Uncyclopedia running out of interesting stuff, UnSignpost starts up shitty telethon!
Look at you, sitting there all high and mighty with your Chuck Norris facts and Oscar Wilde quotes, well during this season of laziness and sitting round jacking off, please donate the gift of humor (or humour, we bend that way to no matter how much we are chased out of church) to a poor Uncyclopedian run newspaper near you. Take this poor little article for example; Canadian Tire Money or Canny as no-one calls him, just 8 minutes old and he is already roaming the streets. Illiterate and doing incoherency, long lines of lists and e before i (especially after c), it is only a matter of time before he turns to gay jokes to fund his addictions. Please help this little article achieve its potential as an Injoke by donating the gift of laughter, stupidity... or even just simple bad taste.
There's more you can do...
Call you're nearest admin and start a discussion about just how much humor you can donate (read: swearing and shock-porn), or start the 2717231278th forum topic concerning how we all must strive to remove the scourge of shitty articles. In the immortally misattributed words of our founding fathers, stillwaters and Chronarion "Fuck were we high" er... or words of respected member TheLedBalloon "Also, in the ass or the mouth?" oh dear... or even words of
Please help Save Cats from Degrading Captions- wait... - Save the Porn onto my Hard-drive- uh... I remember! Save UnSignpost from falling into a pit of lame memes and boring articles, here is a parting word from a little one in need of YOUR help.
Ry4N IS TEh GH3Y n00b whO SUX b4lls!!1 ~ Ryan kella
Makes you think don't it? We will be taking your calls now. Or now. Not now. Ok, now.
Modusoperandi OP'ed!?
This past month of June, the Uncyclopedia community got its first chance at VFS since February, and one new op was decided upon. While there were many great and very capable candidates, one in particular got the most attention and the most votes. Modusoperandi. This long time Uncyclopedian has been to VFS almost every time it gets opened as far as we can trace, and always misses it in the final round by a slim number of votes. However, this month turned out to be a winner for him, so congratulations Modus. MO likes to spend his time writing things and 'chopping some images, but also finds time to goof off in the forums, and relieve the everyday pressure of his fellow colleagues with his off topic sense of humor, which he rarely hides. Modus has a total of 19.5 featured articles as well as 10 featured images. We at UnSignpost congratulate Modus on his winnings, and are willing to put $10 on him becoming the next STM.
UnSignpost Takes A Wikibreak
Yeah, the UnSignpost, the newspaper that Uncyclopedia would totally fall apart without, took a wikibreak last week. They seem to be fashionable, so we thought we'd find out what they were all about. They seem to involve time spent not hunched over a keyboard in a darkened room. The UnSignpost reminds you that such activities are hazardous to your health, and should be avoided at all costs. (Note: this is absolutely true - in no way did the UnSignpost just miss a week because no-one could be bothered to edit it, or anything)
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 06:36, 12 July 2008 (UTC)
Poo Lit Surprise
I'm sending you this because you are signed up to judge the Poo Lit Surprise. If you no longer want to judge or are incapable of, please tell me as soon as possible. If you're still good to go, here are the instructions:
First, read all of the articles in your specified category. Second, judge them. Judge how you like, as long as it's at least fair and based on merit (one suggestion would be to use the Pee Review format). Post your top 5 articles here. Hit me up on my talk page for questions, comments, or if these rules are not cognizant within you.
Thank you again for your valued participation in the balletic train wreck that is the Poo Lit Surprise! ~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:29, 15 July 2008 (UTC)
|<-- UnIdiot has left irc.freenode.net ("5$")
– Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • elk cloner) 05:11 Jul 15, 2008
UnSignpost: July 17th, 2008
THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 06:09, 20 July 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: July 24th, 2008
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
July 24th, 2008 • Twelfth Issue • Now On Time?
Count to a million
This week Uncyclopedians continued on their quixotic attempt to "count to a million." Started by Uncyclopedia Wiki-master and Chamber of Commerce Secretary Spang in early March of this year, the project seeks to eventually reach the number one million (1,000,000) through the ancient art of counting. Any person who is capable of taking a number, adding one to it, and expressing the result has been invited to join the massive undertaking, which has seen dozens of contributors come and go. As is always the case here at Uncyc, the project has spawned controversy, criticism, and a spin-off starring Tony Shalhoub as Olipro.
The forum is an unprecedented pool of knowledge. As each number is reached, it is discussed in-depth by several Uncyclopedians. Insights such as "114 That's my age + 100 lololol" and "616 fucks fucking fucker's shitty crap" are a testament to the intellecually stimulating conversation that occurs each day. Oftentimes, relevant images are posted; the variety of these pictures can be seen by looking here, here, here, and here. However, not everyone is so optimistic about the project.
Some have expressed concern that the entire thing has some kind of sinister purpose. When asked for a comment on the harmless-appearing but diabolically-undertoned project, TheLedBalloon said, "although the project appears harmless, there are definitely diabolical undertones." Another anonymous user stated, "that forum is most surely not pants." Spang himself has expressed his desire to leave behind a legacy, but he has also left open the possibility that "the entire thing is just an urban myth, and doesn't really exist."
Regardless of its true meaning or intentions, Uncyclopedians continue to trudge on in their epic quest, reaching 0.075% of their goal this Monday. Editors come and go, the pace quickens and slackens, but someone is always there to figure out the next number in the sequence. At its current rate, the project will reach one million on August 19th, 2526. Until that glorious day, Uncyclopedians can only dream...
Cheevers Fires Back!
After some light-hearted slights in last week's issue, Gerry Cheevers - Uncyclopedia's resident headcase and #2 hockey authority - has taken exception with the editors of this fine periodical. An ugly scene erupted in the USP press room after Gerry barged in, demanding some sort of justice. Luckily, some quick thinking by our tea-boy and current stand-in editor caused Mr. Cheevers to be distracted by a shiny object long enough to avoid any damage to our delicate newspapering equipment. After it was pointed out that he had in fact come and gone from Uncyclopedia like some sort of cow that grazes on witty satire and coherent parody, Gerry calmed down enough give a brief interview and let some of our junior reporters scratch him behind the ears.
When asked about the reasons for his return, Gerry cited many things. Prominent among them were a desire to have humor play a larger role in his life once again, the thrill of writing articles, the subsequent crushing defeat after said articles have been hacked to pieces mercilessly, and his heterosexual man-crush on Mhaille. The one-time WotM nominee fell on hard times in mid-March, and went on sabbatical when his computer decided that it was not long for this world and took its own life. After that, Gerry resorted to breaking into libraries after-hours to cast VFH votes on city-owned, porn-riddled, abysmally slow dial-up computers. Luckily he landed a job in late May and has spent a majority of his time at said job slacking off and editing Uncyclopedia. Mr. Cheevers looks forward to getting back to what he is known for: mediocre writing, scathing Pee Reviews, and keeping Manforman locked up in the Uncyc dungeons. Several prominent Uncyclopedians share his optimism for a permanent return, including noted reviewing robot MrN9000, who stated that he was "willing to bet everything Cajek owns to that effect," and heavy zeppelin Don Leddy, who expressed his delight at seeing Gerry, exclaiming "gimme back my twenty dollars!"
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 16:48, 24 July 2008 (UTC)


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The dynamic duo, SoCal DJ/Producers Erick Diaz and Saber, recently released a sickening take on Calvin Harris and Disciples's hit new song, "How Deep Is Your Love". The solid arrangement of these two can certainly get a sweet deep groove going right off the bat. With its impeccably laid out beats and electrifying synth work, you are for sure guaranteed of a good ol' time. Hit Play and Enjoy!
Erick Diaz x Saber – Calvin Harris's "How Deep Is Your Love" | Download |
"Follow" Erick Diaz: | Facebook | Twitter | Soundcloud |
"Follow" Saber: | Facebook | Twitter | Soundcloud |


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Sons of Bill Graham get estate lawsuit reinstated
A federal appeals court revived a lawsuit Friday by sons of the late rock impresario Bill Graham, who accused their father's executor of cheating them out of millions of dollars' worth of concert posters and other documents of Bay Area music history.
The suit by David Graham and Alexander Graham-Sult had been dismissed in 2011 by a federal judge, who said the alleged fraud was actually an above-board transaction that Graham's estate had disclosed to his sons' lawyer in 1997. As a result, U.S. District Judge Claudia Wilken said in her ruling, the four-year legal deadline had expired by the time the sons went to court in 2010.
But the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco said the sons were never told that the music memorabilia had been sold to a company that acquired Bill Graham Enterprises. As their father's heirs, they had a right of first refusal to object to the sale and acquire the property for themselves.
The only document the sons' lawyer received from the estate in 1997 outlined the sale of some of Graham's property rights but never mentioned that the sale included all of Graham's copyrights and trademarks, the court said.
Those included copyrights to original posters of such performers as Bob Dylan, Aretha Franklin and the Rolling Stones, as well as the trademark to the Fillmore Auditorium.
The sons said they first learned of the transactions in February 2009 when they were rummaging through boxes of documents at the former headquarters of Bill Graham Enterprises, a company controlled by their father's executor, Nicholas Clainos.
Their suit accused Clainos of concealing the documents and then transferring them to Bill Graham Enterprises for a lucrative sale to another company. They allege that Clainos had restricted their access to their father's personal property and never told them about the music memorabilia.
Those claims involve factual disputes that should be allowed to proceed toward a possible trial, the court said in a 3-0 ruling.
The court separately upheld dismissal of the sons' claims against the estate's law firm along with an order by Wilken requiring Graham's sons to pay the firm $240,000 in legal fees.
Graham, a pre-eminent figure in rock music for a quarter century, died in a helicopter crash near Vallejo in October 1991 at age 60. His sons, David, then 23, and Alexander, 14, inherited nearly $10 million apiece from a $36 million estate after a 3 1/2-year battle among his survivors, overseen by Clainos.
Kevin Calia, a lawyer for Graham's sons, said after the ruling, "We are looking forward to the chance to show that the Graham brothers are the rightful owners of these assets."
Scott McLeod, a lawyer for Clainos, declined to comment.
Bob Egelko is a San Francisco Chronicle staff writer. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.com


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Borneo Wildlife Warriors: the Sun Bear
Follow wildlife photojournalist, Aaron 'Bertie' Gekoski, in his first assignment out of boot camp, as he visits the Bornean Sun Bear Conservation Centre (BSBCC) the only sanctuary in the world dedicated exclusively to Sun Bears, founded in 2008.
These Bornean bears are called ' sun bears' because of the golden bracelet of bright fur around their neck. They are the smallest members of the bear family and are great tree climbers in the wild, helped by their remarkably long claws. These adorable and charismatic bears are cared for and rehabilitated in the BSBCC after they were rescued from the illegal pet trade or orphaned by poachers. In the fascinating first episode of the series, Bertie follows senior vet Dr Pakee at the Centre, and meets 8 year old Sigalung, one of the resident bears, for his annual medical check.
Witness this routine procedure unfold as Sigalung is safely sedated and Bertie helps to collect samples to ensure the bear gets the professional medical analysis he needs. Sadly, Dr Pakee reveals that Sigalung, like most rescued Sun Bears, will never be able to be released in the wild, because he no longer has the necessary skills to survive in the forest due to his years spent in captivity. However, Bertie praises the Centre's work in giving the bears the chance to spend their days foraging and playing in a semi-wild location.
Watch the video now to learn more about these endangered species and the work of the fantastic Bornean Sun Bear Conservation Centre.
Did you know?
Sun Bears have extremely long tongues, exceeding 20cm in length, which they use to expertly extract honey from beehives.
Report Written By Sonam Nundoochan – Our Work Experience Graduate. Sunam has just graduated from London University with a degree in English.
You can support this Independent Magazine that champions journalism, wildlife conservation and sustainable innovation on our @patreon page.


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The Snedigar Sportsplex was named after fallen Chandler Officer James Snedigar. The facility is a 90-acre sports complex located in South Chandler, just south of Ocotillo Road off of Basha Road.
Amenities in the complex include:
- Two professional-sized baseball fields
- Four softball fields
- Four Little League baseball fields
- 12 soccer fields
- Chandler skate park
- Dog park
- Full-sized cricket field
- 9,000-square-foot recreation center
The Snedigar Recreation Center provides a variety of classes and programs, special events, and other services such as ball field/light and pavilion rentals to the citizens of Chandler. The recreation center also provides rental space for meetings, special events, and other activities.
Programs & Activities
Facility & Field Rentals
- Facilities
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Field Rental Application
- Field and Court Rental Policy
- Field Usage Policy (Practices)
- Multipurpose Room Reservations


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Southlake plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Bogdan is frequently asked many similar questions about tummy tuck by people from the DFW area who are considering the procedure. To address some of these recurring issues, he has answered many of these common questions below:
Dr. Bogdan is a board-certified plastic surgeon with a passion for his craft who is known for working closely with patients to get excellent results.Meet Dr. Bogdan Request Your Consultation
Q: What are the different types of abdominoplasty operations?
This patient got a mini abdominoplasty as part of a mommy makeover because she had only minor concerns in the area. See more before-and-after photos of Dr. Bogdan's real tummy tuck patients in our photo gallery.Before & After Photos
Q: What is the difference between a tummy tuck and abdominal liposuction?
Liposuction (whatever method is used) primarily removes fat from below the skin surface and provides a small amount of skin tightening due to scar contracture.
A Tummy Tuck does several things:
Q: Will I have visible scars from a tummy tuck?
A tummy tuck removes excess skin from the abdomen and doing so requires the creation of a scar. The exact location of the scar is something that should be discussed in detail - once you have the scar, you can't change your mind and move it! This is something worth considering, as most of the time tummy tuck scar location is dictated by clothing preference. If you liked French-cut one-piece bathing suits, the scar would be designed like a sharp smile to stay off your hip. However, this is not the current fashion. Now, low-cut two-piece bathing suits are in, as well as low cut pants. So you would want a very low, almost horizontal scar. Everything is a compromise, but if you take the time to consider all of your clothing preferences, you can decide which scar will be best for you.
Q: What is the difference between an endoscopic tummy tuck and a regular tummy tuck?
Technically, an Endoscopic Tummy Tuck is done for people who really want to minimize the scar on the abdomen, and just need muscular tightening. From a surgical standpoint, the operation takes about the same length of time as a traditional tummy tuck, and therefore the price is about the same. From the patent's standpoint, the recovery period is the same for both operations. (The muscular repair is the uncomfortable part of both the normal tummy tuck and the endoscopic tummy tuck that requires such a long period of absence from strenuous activities).
Since it costs about the same as a traditional tummy tuck, and has the same (uncomfortable and long) recovery period, most patients agree it is not worth skipping the benefit of removing all of the loose abdominal skin that occurs with a regular tummy tuck. The skin removal gives added flattening to the abdominal wall, and helps with the hip contouring.
Q: Do you need a formal tummy tuck to fix a diastasis recti?
Bringing the rectus muscles back together is a major component of a standard tummy tuck (the other component being removal of excess skin). With the use of an endoscope, the diastasis can be repaired through a mini tummy tuck scar. This version of the operation results in a scar the length of a c-section scar, but does not allow for the removal of much skin. As such, it is only appropriate for patients who really have significant abdominal wall laxity but not skin excess. As these two processes tend to go hand-in-hand, appropriate candidates for the mini procedure are rare.
Q: Does a tummy tuck remove stretch marks from pregnancy?
Yes, a tummy tuck will remove a significant amount of stretch marks on your abdomen--most cases all stretch marks below the belly button can be removed. The stretch marks that are above your belly button will still be present, but will migrate down to the lower portion of your abdomen.
Q: Can a tummy tuck be done at the same time as a hysterectomy?
Yes. If you are in good health and are undergoing a "routine" hysterectomy, a tummy tuck can be performed at the same time. However, it is safer to separate the 2 procedures. As safety is one of Dr. Bogdan's primary concerns, he recommends performing them at different times. If you would like to have Dr. Bogdan perform your abdominoplasty around the time of your hysterectomy (to combine the recovery periods), you should consult with Dr. Bogdan ahead of time. Together you can discuss the type of incision to be utilized by your gynecologist, so they will have full exposure for the hysterectomy component of the operation, and the incisions can later be fully removed in a follow-up tummy tuck. It is safe to schedule your abdominoplasty 2 weeks after the hysterectomy.
Q: Can I combine a tummy tuck with breast surgery?
Yes. It is actually fairly common to combine a tummy tuck with some sort of breast enhancement operation, to the point where this operation is termed a "Mommy Makeover". Children predictably affect both the breasts and abdomen, so it makes sense that women considering abdominal improvement would also desire breast enhancement. Any of the breast operations (Breast Augmentation, Breast Lift, or Breast Reduction) can be combined with a tummy tuck. Typical surgical times for the Mommy Makeover operation range from 4 to 6 hours.
Q: Should I lose weight before a tummy tuck?
A tummy tuck is a type of body contouring surgery, and will help "re-drape" your skin to match your underlying muscular framework. Generally, patients who are interested in a tummy tuck are bothered by skin excess, stretch marks, and/or abdominal wall laxity. All of these can be addressed by the procedure, but the amount of skin removed depends on the elasticity of skin, and how thick it is. If your weight changes significantly after a tummy tuck (gain or loss), you will be "undoing" the results. That being said, you should first attain your realistic, maintainable, goal weight before proceeding with body contouring. In general, I prefer my patients to have a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 30 or less for body contouring, but in patients who have undergone massive weight loss, it is sometimes appropriate to proceed at higher BMIs.
Q: How do I know I have reached my goal weight for a tummy tuck?
In general, before considering body contouring surgery, patients should be at a stable weight (for several months) that is within 10% of their personal goal weight. If you gain or lose weight after the procedure, you will be altering the results. (If you lose a significant amount of weight, your skin will look lax, and if you gain a lot, you will be stretching out your skin). Your "personal goal weight" is something that is fluid and changes with time. When someone is first starting to consider losing weight, they can look at a height chart and pick a goal weight. The a good way to do this is to use the BMI scale. However, once a large amount of weight has been lost, and you have started a healthy exercise regime, you may find that your weight loss plateaus. If you keep your weight stable for a number of months, while having a healthy diet and maintainable exercise program, it is then reasonable to reassess your goal weight. The BMI charts are a nice guide and tool, but there is no number set in stone as to when you should consider body contouring. My preference for body contouring surgery is a BMI less than 30, because the surgical risks are low and the cosmetic results can be quite striking. However, in patients who have undergone massive weight loss, body contouring surgery may be completely appropriate at higher BMIs due to the significant amount of skin excess.
Q: Why does swelling occur after a tummy tuck?
Your body is a very complicated system that is fine tuned to function normally. At the risk of over simplifying things a bit, there is a normal way your body handles fluids internally, and surgery can disrupt this system. The arterial system brings fluid (blood) to tissues to provide oxygen and healing cells, and the venous system removes this fluid. The system is not perfect, and normally some of the fluid leaks into the surrounding tissues. To account for this, there is a third fluid management system (the lymphatic system) in your body whose job is to scavenge up this extra fluid, and return it to the intravascular space. When a tummy tuck is performed, a significant amount of the lymphatic drainage channels are divided, and these take a long time to hook back up and function normally.
Q: How long does the swelling after a tummy tuck last?
The majority of swelling resolves within 2 months, a small amount takes up to a year.
A tummy tuck is a major procedure that requires "lifting up" your stomach skin (which divides the lymphatic drainage vessels from under the skin surface), pulling it down to reset the tension of the skin, and then the excess is removed. Basically, the skin from the tummy tuck scar up to your ribcage is in a new environment, where it can only drain fluid "up" and to the sides. Until new lymphatic connections occur across the scar line and down to the stomach muscles, all of the swelling fluid has to run against gravity to get out of the skin. This is one of the reasons that we suggest patients wear compression garments for a period of time after surgery - these garments assist with the "uphill" removal of fluid.
A simple way to judge how you are doing is to look at the indentations that elastic clothing create on your trunk. On the front, you will see more of a lasting impression than on your back / flank region (even though there is even pressure all the way around your body). This is a way you can monitor the swelling, and you can expect it to go away over several months. After a few months, most of what patients consider "noticeable" swelling has resolved.
Q: When can I go back to work after a tummy tuck?
Recovery after a tummy tuck really depends on the type of work that you perform. You can not go back to work while taking narcotic pain medicine, as that would be the equivalent of drinking alcohol at work! Since everyone has a different appreciation of pain, this length of time varies. In general, patients need pain medicine for a minimum of 3 days, and most are off medications by 5 to 10 days. After stopping pain meds, patients can work from home immediately, and return to desk-type of jobs between 10 to 14 days from surgery. Because of the abdominal wall tightening component of the operation, I restrict patients from heavy lifting and strenuous exercise for 6 weeks. If your job requires a significant amount of physical activity, you may have to take 6 weeks off of work, or modify your work activities. For example, a professional rodeo rider will be taking much more time off of work than a computer programmer.
Q: When can I start working out after a tummy tuck?
I allow my patients to begin some light "movement" exercises (elliptical machine, cycling [NOT spin classes!]) at 3 weeks after surgery, but no impact or weight activities until 6 weeks after the operation. The reasoning behind this is that enough healing has occurred after 2-3 weeks that we are very unlikely to develop seromas or hematomas, but the muscular repair in the midline is not strong enough to be challenged until almost 2 months after surgery. At that time, it is unlikely that the muscular tightening component of the operation could get damaged or undone. At 6 weeks, patients should move into their exercise regime slowly, as they are a bit deconditioned. Patients should remember that muscular discomfort tends to show up 2 days after starting a new exercise, so I recommend that they take it easy and slow, and likely within 2 weeks they will be near their normal routine.
If you would like to learn more about abdominoplasty, request a consultation with Dr. Michael Bogdan, a board-certified plastic surgeon who has received advanced surgical training in some of the nation's most highly regarded residency and fellowship programs. Or, you can call our office at (817) 442-1236 to schedule your appointment.
If you have an iPhone or iPad, Dr. Bogdan encourages you to download his enhanced photo gallery application. This FREE app is available for download from the App Store℠.


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Google Analytics Consulting
Website Usage Tracking and Statistics
With enterprise-level features in a free platform, Google Analytics makes understanding your website in a data-driven way affordable for everyone. With proper setup using profiles, goals, e-commerce tracking, on-site search tracking and more you will get the information you need to:
- Get to know your users better
- Maximize the number of users who take your desired action
- Decrease your cost per customer acquisition
- Increase Online Revenues
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- Strengthen your online marketing initiatives
- Track all your online advertising campaigns
- Track offline marketing campaigns
All this can be done with a properly configured Google Analytics account and training on how to interpret the data collected. We can help you with this!


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Lifting paediatric services to new heights
Youngsters in Kent are experiencing a 'real difference' in the way they can access health services, through an integrated approach to how all involved use the facilities.
NHS Property Services, on behalf of Medway Community Healthcare, Medway Council and Medway Foundation NHS Trust, has converted a former school into a state of the art Child Development Centre- Snapdragons Centre.
Part of the £3m project has been the installation of six ceiling track hoists in treatment rooms and care facilities, plus a mobile changing bench and height adjustable basin in toilet facilities, all supplied by Britain's leading deliverer of intimate independence, Closomat.
The hoists mean that children and young people who are not mobile can be moved easily, safely, and with dignity, without exposing their families, carer and Centre staff to risk of injury through manual handling.
The height adjustable basin and changing bench ensure that the whole ambit of toileting requirements are addressed: the washbasin can be set to suit wheelchair users, adults and children, whilst the changing bench enables young people with continence issues who are using the Centre to be cleaned and changing in an hygienic environment.
"The aim of Snapdragons Centre is to bring together in one place specialist clinical services for children and young people with a range of disabilities, in a purpose-built facility delivered to a high specification and standard," explained Claire Haymes, Closomat away from home/lifting specialist. "By including fittings such as the hoists, users accessing the Centre's services can relax, knowing there are appropriate means for transfer from wheelchair to treatment tables, or wherever needed for therapeutic intervention.
"By also adding the changing bench and height-adjustable basin, the building is totally accessible for all potential users, and addresses all their needs whilst they are there- including intimate, personal care (toileting)."
Adds Robin Tuffley, Closomat marketing manager, "The number of children with special needs, disabilities, has increased over 60% in the past 25 years: 1 child in 20 under the age of 16 is disabled, so there is a growing need for facilities such as Snapdragon. The hoists will be an invaluable addition to delivering a safe, quality environment.
"Building regulations focus very much on the need to provide changing facilities for babies: NHS Property Services is, at Snapdragons, being forward-thinking in realising that many of the Centre's users require similar toileting support, but have grown beyond being able to fit on, and be lifted onto, a baby change."


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Index Price Strategy
An Index Price Strategy offers the flexibility of pricing that reflects wholesale market conditions and often includes the ability to make adjustments when the market drops.
Key Benefits
- Index-based pricing offerings from electricity suppliers, based on regional wholesale "spot" market without market risk premiums
- Often provides flexibility to respond to favorable market conditions while floating on market prices
- Additional potential savings opportunities for clients whose energy usage tends to be traditionally off-peak hours and those who can adjust their energy consumption to better take advantage of lower priced periods
- Potential risks include market risk when electricity prices are highest or have sustained upward trends (allows for potential savings, but at times you could be subject to the highest prices)
What if I'm not sure if an index-based price strategy is the best option?
Patriot Energy Group also offers a flexible, "light" plan in addition to our standard Independence Plan contract, which allows an initial 90-day trial period. At the end of the 90 days you may extend your contract, opt-out entirely, choose a fixed rate strategy, or choose a hybrid strategy.
Can I choose an option that allows the benefits of an index-based price strategy but also mitigate my exposure to the highest prices?
Yes, Patriot Energy offers a variety of hybrid strategies that can help you do so. Speak with an energy advisor at Patriot Energy today to better assess your needs and determine which strategy is the best fit for your business.
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Ever heard of a Dinge? Me neither. Here's a description of a dinge.
Did that help? Me neither.
Waffles and Dinges are incredible food carts/trucks that are located in a few different spots around Manhattan, but almost always can be found at the south end of Central Park. The first time I tried them I couldn't believe how scrumptious these waffles were. They are baked to perfection with a slightly crispy coating (of what I guess is syrup) lightly coating them. They are then topped with powdered sugar and either fruit or ice cream.
Not only are the waffles really warm and tasty, but also are served by very friendly guys who are smiling and listening to jazz and swing style music. The cooks are so friendly that they even gave me a free "wafleini" after Belle knocked mine out of my hands.
Oh, what's that? You've never heard of a wafelini? Well let me explain. A Wafelini is a mini waffle on a stick surrounded by pieces of banana and strawberries and topped with powdered sugar.
Hungry for more? A "Brussels Waffle" is a large light and crispy waffle. It is "the mother of all waffles" and first came to New York for the 1964 World Fair.
Then, there's the WMD. This Waffle of Massive Deliciousness is a waffle topped with basically any toppings you desire: ice cream, walnuts, bananas, nutella, strawberries, chocolate fudge, maple syrup, and much more.
This food truck isn't exactly a healthy snack, but trust me, it's worth the extra calories. Plus, you can just take a nice jog through the park after. No? A walk maybe? Well, there are always other modes of transportation conveniently waiting next to the Waffles and Dinges cart.


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- Published in issue 7/1998 on page 64
low-impact muscle stimulator
Used with care, this circuit can provide a small degree of stimulation for muscles. Two electrodes are fixed on the skin covering the muscle area. The distance between the electrodes has to be between 1 cm and about 5 cm. The circuit generates voltage pulses at an adjustable rate of between 0.6 Hz and 4 Hz. The output voltage level is also adjustable between 0 V and 250 V. The highest pulse energy supplied by the circuit is limited to a value of about 0.4 mJ, which is generally believed to be safe.
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Description of courses:
8-week MBSR and MBCT courses; Mindfulness Teacher Training courses and retreats; Teacher Training workshops; monthly drop-in practice group; mindfulness retreats.
Ms Cindy Cooper
What qualifications or training do you hold?
BA (Hons); Hon Mindfulness Lecturer Bangor University. Member of the core Mindfulness Training team at Bangor University. Mindfulness Teacher and Trainer of mindfulness teachers.
If you teach MBCT, what professional mental health training do you hold?
Humanistic and Integrative psychotherapist, and counsellor, Associate Member UKAHPP.
How do you continually ensure your knowledge and skills are up-to-date?
Mindfulness supervision; feedback from co-teachers at Bangor University; mindfulness workshops; retreats; reading.
Do you adhere to appropriate professional and ethical boundaries and frameworks in your work as a mindfulness-based teacher?
yes. I follow the Good Practice Guidelines for Mindfulness Teachers and the Good Practice Guidelines for Mindfulness Trainers. And the Good Practice Guidelines for Mindfulness Supervisors.
Member of the UK Network for Mindfulness-Based Teacher Training Organisations


text: Page ContentThe Society for Risk Analysis (SRA) Nordic Chapter, organizes a conference on "Risk and Security". The event will take place 2-3 November, 2017, in Aalto University, Espoo, Finland.The theme of the conference "Risk and Security" highlights the role risk plays in relation to security. Security concerns and related risk issues are today in the heart of organizations, governments and international institutions. There are however, no simple ways to deal with these concerns and issues and conventional risk assessment methods are challenged by the need for new concepts and tools to properly handle security risks. The conference brings together practitioners and academics interested in risk assessment, risk management and risk communication in security context. In addition the interface between security and safety will be discussed. 2-day conference consists of key note talks, panels and workshops.Deadline for abstracts is September 15, 2017.See the link for more information https://blogs.aalto.fi/risk2017/We wish you warmly welcome to the conference!