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According to Founder and Executive Director of CAIR (Council on American Islamic Relations), Nihad Awad, Islam and the U.S. are "twins linked by common values."
Courtesy of the Middle East Research Institute (MEMRI)-TV, while Awad speaks of the shared values between Islam and America, images and/or videos appear on the top left part of the screen. They include a video of a Muslim man beating a woman on a sidewalk, images of women wearing burkas, dead bodies dumped in pits, and Christians still holding crosses in their dead, blood-stained hands.
Awad claims the shared values between Islam and America include:
freedom, and especially freedom of religion, freedom of speech, protection for minorities, and spreading justice for all sectors of society."
His claims are a classic example of taqqiya— Qur'an-sanctioned deceit.
Islam is not only the greatest national security threat America faces, but its institutionalized brutality and human rights abuses of women are widespread throughout the world.
There is no such thing as free speech under Islamic rule.
There is no protection for minorities under Islam, In fact, few if any minorities live in Muslim-majority countries– they were either killed or forced to convert to Islam.
No justice exists under Islam other than that which is determined by the Qur'an and the laws and traditions derived from it.
The Qur'an is the only "religious book" that requires its followers to target and kill certain people— solely based on their ethnicity and religious belief and/or affiliation.
Instead of the deceit Awad is peddling, the truth is known actually through Barack Obama. His former White House Homeland "Security Advisor" Mohamed Elibiary asserted:
America is an Islamic country" with an "Islamic Compliant Constitution."
Elbiary– like most Islamists– including Awad– believes America will soon be part of a Muslim majority world.
And, Obama's close friend, Omar Ahmed, Chairman of the Board of CAIR best explains Islam's goal for North America. He said:
Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant. The Qur'an should be the highest authority in America."
February 11, 2016


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Fall Play Day at the Heart K Ranch in Genesse Valley
September 30, 2013 by: Sharon Roberts
October 12th, 2013 9 am – 4 pm
The Feather River Land Trust has planned a work and play day at the Heart K Ranch.
Join in on some fun work on the ranch at the historic granary starting at 9 am. Check video link to see what work needs to be done at the granary.
Later in the morning take a hike or listen to talks on sustainable ag practices and Native American land use.
BBQ lunch served between 1 and 2pm. Please RSVP by phone at 530-283-5758 or send e-mail to email@example.com. BBQ lunch is 10 dollars for adults and chlidren 10 and under are free.
For more information on this year's Fall Play Day please check website.
The Heart K Ranch is about 45 minutes from the St. Bernard Lodge. Fall is a great time to make a drive from St. Bernard Lodge to Indian Valley and out to Genesse. You will have an opportunity to enjoy both the Fall Colors of the area and many of the Barn Quilts in the Indian Valley.
For room availability at St. Bernard Lodge.

subset: commoncrawl


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On Wednesday, April 5, 2017, at 4 pm, an hour-long press conference of the Special Envoy of the Holy See for Medjugorje, Dr. Henryk Hoser, was held in the Hall of St. John Paul II. Even though there were about fifty journalists registered, the interest for this event was much greater. The conference was translated into the Croatian, English, Italian, German and French languages, and those were the official languages spoken during the conference, while a translation was also given in the Polish, Spanish and Slovakian languages.
Dr. Fr Miljenko Šteko, the Provincial of the Herzegovinian Franciscan Province of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, spoke at the beginning of the conference and said:
- Respected media representatives, as you are aware, the Press Office of the Holy See, released a statement on February, 11, 2017, that the Holy Father, Pope Francis appointed a Special Envoy of the Holy See for Medjugorje, his Excellency Archbishop Mons. Dr. Henryk Hoser, the Bishop of the Archdiocese of Warsaw – Praga in Poland. The purpose of his mission is 'to acquire a profound understanding of the pastoral situation of this reality, and above all about the needs of the faithful who come here on pilgrimage, and on the basis of that understanding, to suggest possible pastoral initiatives for the future. This mission shall, therefore, have an exclusively pastoral character. It is expected that Mons. Hoser, who will continue to exercise the office of Bishop of Warsaw – Praga, completes his mission by the end of this summer.' Now, this was the statement of the Holy See. Accordingly, the Archbishop arrived to Medjugorje as the Special Envoy. As the Apostolic Nuncio's Office in Bosnia and Herzegovina announced, the Archbishop wanted to meet today with you, respected media representatives. So, I now ask the Archbishop to address you and then he will answer some of your questions.
This is what Mons. Hoser said about the impressions he gained while in Medjugorje in the past week:
- Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon to you all. At the very beginning, I ought to give you some explanations and I owe you a few apologies too. The scope of my mission was defined by the Holy See. As we have heard, it is about determining the pastoral situation of the pilgrims in Medjugorje. This is my first visit to Medjugorje, I came here without knowing the exact situation here, but I knew this was an international pilgrimage destination. I will speak in French, as this language has been the official language for diplomacy for many years, even up to today. Certainly, you all expect to hear my impressions and my conclusions. First of all, I would like to emphasise a very important fact, that Medjugorje once was not known in the world at all. It was a small place, lost in the hills, which is what its name actually means. Today, Medjugorje is known all over the world, and it should be pointed out that pilgrims come from eighty different countries. When it comes to the importance of this place of pilgrimage, it could be compared to others too. For instance, two and a half million pilgrims come to Medjugorje each year, while six million go to Lourdes. Nevertheless, Lourdes exists for 150 years, while Medjugorje is hardly 36 years old. This is a time to make a first balance, a first estimate that could be highly important for the future development of this place.
How come so many pilgrims come here? On one hand, they have surely heard about the Medjugorje apparitions that began in 1981. On the other hand, those who come here, discover something extraordinary. The first aspect is the environment, the atmosphere of peace and of reconciliation. It is also an atmosphere of inner peace, peace of the heart. They also discover a huge range of profound spirituality. They re-discover or discover for the first time in their lives the meaning of the sacred reality. In Medjugorje, they can have an experience with sacred time and sacred space. Sacred means it is something withheld in a special way in relation to God.
Usually we hear that Medjugorje is a place of Marian devotion, and that is the truth, however, if we enter into the depth of it, we can see that devotion in Medjugorje is very Christ-centred, as the centre of devotion is the celebration of the Eucharist, the transmitting of the Word of God, Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, when man discovers that the Blessed Sacrament is the real presence of Jesus in His divinity and in His human nature. Some discover here the prayer of the Rosary, which is meditative prayer on the mysteries of our faith. Finally, as they pray the Way of the Cross, they enter into the Easter mystery, meaning the Passion, Death and Resurrection of the Christ. I shall conclude this overview, with the strongest point on the sacrament of forgiveness, personal and personalised confession.
Medjugorje is a very fertile land from a religious perspective. In these years we can count 610 religious and priesthood vocations born in Medjugorje. Most of them come from Italy, the United States and Germany. When we are aware of the crisis of vocations, particularly in the old Christian countries, and in Western Europe, it is clear that there is something new here, something remarkable.
If we calculate the number of the ministered Holy Communions, as this is the only way to establish the number of pilgrims, of course including the margin of error, there have been 37 million Holy Communions ministered in the period from 1986-2016. However, the number of pilgrims is even bigger, as not all of them receive Holy Communion.
When it comes to the estimate of the situation in Medjugorje, there are three different areas to differentiate.
The first area is the parish that exists for a long time, which serves the parishioners who are here, who live here and whose number has increased in the past ten years by a thousand of those who came to live here, perhaps even more than that. This parish, that has its own history, built a cross on a hill in Medjugorje in the thirties of the past century, and has accepted today's phenomenon of Medjugorje. Part of the history of this parish is also special, the personal history of those whom we call the visionaries.
The second area: pilgrims. As I already said, up to 2 500 000 of them per year. This number tends to grow, too. Surely, this is a huge challenge for the priests who are here. This phenomenon has caused development of the existing infrastructure that needs to respond to the needs of pilgrims, and part of that is this Hall, the Adoration chapel, the open area for the celebration of Holy Mass outdoors. Those were some of the elements added according to the needs of pilgrims who were coming here. On the other hand, we can see how this place is developing. There are more and more hotels, restaurants, shops and this already reminds me of little Lourdes. It is not known that Lourdes is second in France, after Paris, according to the number of hotels in it. Perhaps this is the future of Medjugorje in relation to Sarajevo. So, the number of the inhabitants is increasing, as well as the capacity of accommodation of pilgrims.
However, we can see the third area, too. There are the communities that came here, associations, social and charity activities, we think there are around thirty of them. Some of them received their inspiration from Medjugorje, their roots are from here. There are also those who arrived from the other countries, they were founded somewhere else, but they came here so they would live this atmosphere, this phenomenon of Medjugorje.
There are some originally created works here; in a particular way I am mentioning a work created by Franciscan fathers, the charitable institution, the Mother's village. It is worth visiting this place if you are interested in that, as it is about life in its various stages, specially life in a difficulty: orphans, young people with troubles, addicts on drugs, alcohol and other additions, those who are disabled. This is an expression of active love tightly related to the Christian faith. There is another work called the House of Peace, also established by the Franciscan fathers, it is a house for a closed type of spiritual retreats in silence. More than 1200 groups were in this House up to this day, with more than 42000 participants. This type of spiritual exercises, these seminars are transforming people from the inside.
There are also seminars – another pastoral invention of the parish of Medjugorje. The seminars are annual, they take place once a year. For the past 23 years there has been one open for all, for the past 21 years there is a seminar specifically for priests, it is for further formation of priests, for the past 17 years there have been seminars for married couples, and for the last 4 years, seminars for doctors and medical staff. Last year the first seminar for life took place, for the protection of human life. There is also a seminar for people with disabilities. So, all this shows an intensity of Christian life here in Medjugorje and this is a type of model that could be applied to other places.
What shrines have to offer in this world today is of such a kind, that Pope Francis has transferred the issue from the Congregation for the Clergy, to the Congregation for the New Evangelisation. People there receive what they cannot find at home. In many of our old Christian countries, individual confession no longer exists. In many countries there is no Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, many countries do not know about the Way of the Cross, there is no prayer of the Rosary. In French Brittany, I was once told that the last time they prayed the Way of the Cross was thirty years ago. Surely, such dryness in the areas of the spiritual and the sacred is causing a crisis in faith in general.
People here come to the source; this is where they discern a thirst for the sacred, a thirst for God, a thirst for prayer which they discover to be an immediate contact with God. They feel, I would say the Divinity, thanks to the care of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
In Medjugorje, the emphasis is on Mary as Queen of Peace. One could say this is nothing new, as there are churches throughout the world consecrated to the Queen of Peace, but if we observe the world context of our lives today, we can see something that pope Francis refers to as the third world war in pieces. This means in fragments. Civil wars are the cruellest form, the one that destroys and hurts the most. You, who live here in the Balkans, have recently lived one such war. I lived in Rwanda during the genocide. Now you can see that Syria, in the Middle East, the country of the oldest Christian identity is being destroyed even with the use of chemical weapons. This is our landscape today. There are so many political conflicts in each country. So, in my opinion, it is important to pray to Our Lady of Peace. The specific role of Medjugorje is extremely important here.
You, my dear friends, should be the carriers of the joyful news. Say to the whole world that in Medjugorje we can find the light again. We need those special places of light in the world that is sinking into darkness. I would also like to say to you that you can register for a seminar here, whatever the theme, you might discover things that you cannot even imagine. Thank you!
The second part of the conference was an opportunity for press members to ask some questions and we bring some of them.
Danuta Liese, Poland:Is it possible for a priest from Poland to be in the service of pilgrims in this parish all the time? Not just occasionally, as a guest, but permanently?
- I think it is up to the Provincial priest to talk to the provinces in Poland so they would send a priest who would be here all the time, as it is case with other priests.
Sanja Pehar, Radio MIR Medjugorje: After the experiences you received in these days, where do you see Medjugorje in the new evangelisation that the Church is emphasising so much?
- I think that Medjugorje is already in the new evangelisation. The numbers I have given prove that. Also, there is increasing dynamics among the pilgrims, meaning that the needs will grow too.
Ivica Đuzel, Croatian Radio TV: I found information on Internet that you spoke to the visionaries last week, with people who had, we could say, that intimate encounter. What was their impression on you?
- It is correct that the contact with the visionaries is a part of my mission, but not in the sense of a deeper investigation, as it is up to Doctrinal Commission led by Cardinal Ruini. The visionaries were in Vatican and they spoke about their experiences there. I had chance to meet some of them here in a normal, very immediate contact. We should not forget they are no longer "boys and girls", they are no longer children. Some of them are even grannies now. To respect their role, we should see that they are immersed in a normal, family life, in their professional life, they need to take care of their children and grandchildren, and their care makes them similar to all of us. Some of them are ill, some worry how to provide for a life, and so on. It is normal life, I would say. They – according to what they say – have had a privilege of interior apparitions. It is not my role to give my opinion on whether these apparitions are authentic or not. The Church has not yet made a statement about that.
Ivan Ugrin, Slobodna Dalmacija: Our Lady said in one message here that she came to continue the work she started in Fatima…
- You can read the history of recognised apparitions. I can mention, for instance, La Salette – half of the 17th century, Rue du Bac, Lourdes, Fatima, Banneux in Belgium – in the year when Hitler took the power, do not forget that, but also Guadalupe in the South America – colonial quest of the American Indians… All those apparitions have one element in common, the Blessed Virgin Mary's invitation to conversion, to renounce sin, and each shows the challenges of every period. Finally, I would like to mention the apparitions in Kibeho. I lived in Rwanda for 21 years and I participated in the work of Commission of doctors for the apparitions that happened a year after Medjugorje. The Blessed Virgin Mary had already showed the spectrum of the genocide that took place 12 years afterwards. That was one warning. The message is similar to the message here in Medjugorje, it is invitation to conversion, to peace, and those apparitions were recognised by the Church. Those places are like sister towns, I would say, according to the historical context and nearness of the period when they took place. There were many doubts whether the visionaries were genuine or not, whether they were saying fairy tales or not, and so on. Some of them were, actually, rejected. Therefore, I would like to invite you to have patience, because as the issue is more complex, it takes more time to come to valid conclusions.
Paolo Brosio, Mediaset Mondadori: I saw your photograph on Apparition Hill next to the Statue of Our Lady and I was deeply moved by that. There are stories in Italy how Cardinal Ruini concluded the work of the commission after three and a half years and was able to verify that the apparitions in the first days and in the first months were genuine. How do you feel about those conclusions? Have you read the final reports of the Commission?
- Unfortunately, I did not read material of that Commission, as it was not released. Upon my return to the Vatican, I could have access to it, or at least talk to the Cardinal Ruini, but for the time being I cannot say anything. My mission is not only to talk to the people who are working here, who are responsible or not responsible for the situation here, but also to visit places of pilgrimages. That is why I climbed that, not so easy path to the statue of Our Lady, that everyone should climb simply because the statue of Our Lady is there. I met a group of pilgrims there, some of them were from Poland, and I spoke to them briefly about Marian devotion. The press had, of course, already stated that I took a group of pilgrims there, which is not the truth.
Darko Pavičić, Večernji list: When you talk about the apparitions in Medjugorje, you talk about the apparitions, not about the alleged apparitions. Do you believe that here, it is the case of the apparitions, and what was the topic of your meeting with Bishop of Mostar, Ratko Peric, who does not believe in the apparitions and who is denying them?
- It is clear that I sustain from giving my own judgment about this as I am not familiar with all of the details, I do not know the huge work done by Ruini's Commission. If I speak about the apparitions, it is because that expression is used here. I do say that with quotation marks, but when I speak, quotation marks cannot be seen. I, as well as you, expect the final saying of the Commission, particularly of the Holy Father who will have his word on this.
Ivan Pavković, Al Jazeera: How does Pope feel about Medjugorje, about the apparitions and the fruits you spoke about?
- That is a very good question, but obviously, I do not know how the Pope feels about this. He did not say that to me. So, we are to wait, as the Pope is surely reflecting on all investigated materials and the job that was done in the process, but I think his judgment is going to be influenced by the fact that Medjugorje is such an important place in the perspective of the new evangelisation. I think this can be very important when the final decision is made. I do not speak about the Last Judgment, but about the final decision.
Ines Grbić, LaudatoTV: In the statement given prior to your coming here, you said you would have to perform your mission in completely different conditions and circumstances. I would like to know what kind of circumstances those are and what is the way that differs from your previous way of working? You said that these apparitions of Mary are significantly different than the previous ones. What is so specific and different here?
- Surely, madam, you noticed the specific element of the apparitions that are in a new form, I would say, something that was not known in the past in this dimension. Firstly, there is duration of what we refer to Medjugorje apparitions. This is something that lasts for 36 years now. Medjugorje visionaries, is as when the entrance antiphon says "sine fine dicentes", even though we know from the lives of the saints that some of them had the apparitions all of their lives. The second specific element is the number of these apparitions. Some have calculated even 47 000 individual apparitions. Six visionaries have personal apparitions, and perhaps that number could be calculated after 36 years, I do not know. Furthermore, these apparitions are not tied to one place. In Lourdes, the Blessed Virgin Mary always appeared in the grotto. In Fatima, she appeared above the oak tree that grew there. Here, according to what the visionaries say, the apparitions take place where the person is, at home, while travelling, in the church, and so on. Those are the specific elements that make the final evaluation process more difficult.


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Corked Wine Update: I Can Do It!
Finally, I did it! We were drinking a wine that I thought might be corked, I happened to have another bottle, we opened it to compare, and yes - it was corked. Please feel free to send congratulatory notes and medals/trophies.
Why would I celebrate such a thing, you ask? Very recently I told you that I'm not so good at picking out corked wine. I've probably drunk many of them in the past few years without realizing that they were corked, thinking instead that I just didn't like the wine. People wrote interesting and encouraging comments, and I decided that the next time I am uncertain, I would be bold and simply open another bottle for comparison. Such a shame that this occurred with what should have been a spectacular wine, and not cheap either at $42 when I bought it in March of 2007.
This weekend the fish people at our farmer's market had bonito for the first time this summer. Bonito is wonderful in sushi where is is usually lightly cured in vinegar, as is other mackerel sushi. Like other mackerel, it is also wonderful when broiled, maybe with a simple soy/mirin/sesame glaze. The cooked flesh tastes and feels something like a cross between tuna and Spanish mackerel.
We broiled our lovely bonito, plunged a few ear of corn into boiling water, and lightly dressed our heirloom tomatoes and salad greens. BrooklynLady requested a Sancerre with this dinner and it happens that we had only one in the cellar, the 2005 Domaine Pascal Cotat Sancerre Les Monts Damnés, $42, imported by Michael Skurnik Wines. Widely thought of as one of the top producers in Sancerre, Pascal Cotat (his cousin François is also a top producer) harvests later than most growers and he makes rich and concentrated wines that can age for the long term. And that was my plan - drink one of these young, enjoy the wonderfully ripe 2005 fruit, and hold one for about 10 years. Alas, it was not to be.
We opened the bottle while the fish broiled and even after about 10 minutes, the wine had no fruit on the nose whatsoever. Smelling blind there would have been no way to tell that this was Sauvignon Blanc. By the time our food was on plates and ready to go, my glass smelled like something heavy, but not fruit. Something musty. "Could this be corked," I asked the wife. She wasn't sure, and was more interested in her fish anyway. I swirled vigorously and kept sniffing. Still something unpleasant, no fruit.
I opened the second bottle figuring that if I was right, I would return the corked bottle to the merchant. Sure, no more 2005 is available, but the 2006 is on the shelves. And if I was wrong and it wasn't corked, well so be it. A $42 lesson in smelling wine. And it would save me from cellaring a bottle of wine that I didn't like.
It was absolutely clear as soon as I opened the second bottle that the first was terribly corked. The second bottle immediately showed classic Sauvignon Blanc grassy notes, and with an hour open it developed into something really beautiful and complex. An elegant and light but also intense nose of citrus and spices, very pure and clean, very mineral. Rich and broad in the mouth, this wine really spread out and stained the palate. It was so well balanced, it didn't have any of the heaviness that you might expect from such a rich wine. It perfectly cut through the oily bonito and was absolutely delicious, a joy to drink. By the last glass the nose was just shimmering and the wine reminded me, oddly, of a Riesling.
I wish I still had another bottle. But it was an important lesson for my nose and palate, and it was equally important that I had the cohones to crack open the second bottle. I feel so much more confident about picking out TCA now.


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DoD Common Access Card Authentication
1 Introduction
A Common Access Card (CAC) is a smart card used for identification of active-duty military personnel, selected reserve, US Department of Defence (DoD) civilian employees and eligible contractor personnel. In addition to providing physical access to buildings and protected areas, it also allows access to DoD computer networks and systems satisfying two-factor authentication, digital security and data encryption. It leverages a Public Key Infrastructure (PKI) Security Certificate to verify a cardholder's identity prior to allowing access to protected resources.
The Edge Security Pack (ESP) feature of the Kemp LoadMaster supports integration with DoD environments leveraging CAC authentication and Active Directory application infrastructures. The LoadMaster acts on behalf of clients presenting X.509 certificates using CAC and becomes the authenticated Kerberos client for services.
CAC authentication can also be used to authenticate access to the LoadMaster WUI. For more information on this, please refer to the Using CAC Authentication for LoadMaster WUI Access section.
The request for and presentation of the client certificate happens during initial SSL session establishment. There are two core elements to the process of a user gaining access to an application with CAC:
Authentication - occurs during SSL session establishment and entails:
Verifying the certificate date
Verifying revocation status using Online Certificate Status Protocol (OCSP)
Verifying the full chain to the Certificate Authority (CA)
Authorization - occurs after SSL session establishment and the matching of the certificate Subject Alternative Name (SAN) against the User Principal Name (UPN) of the appropriate principal in Active Directory.
1.1 Document Purpose
The purpose of this document is to provide step-by-step instructions on how to configure the LoadMaster to use DoD CAC authentication.
1.2 Intended Audience
This document is intended to be read by anyone interested in finding out how to configure the LoadMaster to use DoD CAC authentication.
1.3 Prerequisites
Before following the steps below to configure the LoadMaster, there are some prerequisites that need to be in place:
The Active Directory settings must be configured correctly. If they are not configured correctly, constrained delegation will not work. For more information on what needs to be configured, please refer to the Using CAC Authentication for LoadMaster WUI Access section.
A reverse DNS lookup zone needs to be set up which is able to resolve the IP address of the Real Server(s).
There can be multiple entries for Real Servers in the DNS server. As a result of this, when the LoadMaster does a reverse lookup in order to get the FQDN, the result may not match the Service Principal Name (SPN). This may result in a mismatch between the SPN the LoadMaster generates and the one configured under the trusted user in the Active Directory. To mitigate this issue, it is possible to override the DNS server entries by adding hosts for local resolution in the LoadMaster (System Configuration > Host & DNS Configuration).
The LDAP server needs to support LDAP over a secure transport, for example LDAPS or StartTLS.
The appropriate certificates must have been issued for the LoadMaster.
2 DoD CAC Authentication
The above diagram illustrates the CAC/KCD logical authorization process:
1. A client attempts to access an ESP-protected service using CAC credentials.
2. The LoadMaster verifies that the credentials are still valid with a trusted OCSP responder.
3. After mapping the SAN which contains the client User Principal Name (UPN) in Active Directory, the LoadMaster obtains a service ticket for the user and obtains a service ticket for the application.
4. The LoadMaster forwards the user's service ticket to the desired service.
5. The LoadMaster passes the response to the client who gains access to the application/service.
2.1 Web User Interface (WUI) Options
There are a number of options in the LoadMaster WUI relating to DoD CAC authentication. These are described in the sections below.
2.1.1 OCSP Configuration
To get to the OCSP Configuration screen, in the main menu of the LoadMaster WUI, go to Certificates & Security > OCSP Configuration.
OCSP Server
The address of the OCSP server. This can either be in IP address or Fully Qualified Domain Name (FQDN) format.
OCSP Server Port
The port of the OCSP server.
The URL to access on the OCSP server.
Use SSL
Select this to use SSL to connect to the OCSP server.
Allow Access on Server Failure
Treat an OCSP server connection failure or timeout as if the OCSP server had returned a valid response, that is, treat the client certificate as valid.
Enable OCSP Stapling
Select this check box to enable the LoadMaster to respond to OCSP stapling requests. If a client connects using SSL and asks for an OCSP response, this is returned. Only Virtual Service certificates are validated. The system holds a cache of OCSP responses that are sent back to the client. This cache is maintained by the OCSP daemon. When the OCSP daemon sends a request to the server, it uses the name specified in the certificate (in the Authority Information Access field). If it cannot resolve this name, then it uses the default OCSP server specified in the OCSP Server text box.
OCSP Refresh Interval
Specify how often the LoadMaster should refresh the OCSP stapling information. The OCSP daemon caches the entry for up to the amount of time specified here, after which it is refreshed. Valid values range from 1 hour (default) to 24 hours.
2.1.2 Verify Client using OCSP
In the Virtual Service modify screen (Virtual Services > View/Modify Services > Modify) there is a check box in the SSL Properties section called Verify Client using OCSP. When this is enabled, the LoadMaster verifies that the client certificate is valid.
If Verify Client using OCSP is enabled and the OCSP server settings have not been configured in the OCSP Configuration screen, the client cannot be verified and the connection will fail. There will not be a warning or error message on the WUI which indicates this so please ensure to check this if troubleshooting any problems.
2.1.3 Flush the OCSPD Cache
In the Debug Options screen (System Configuration > Logging Options > System Log Files > Debug Options) there is an option to flush the OCSPD cache. This option is intended to be used when troubleshooting or testing.
When using OCSP to verify client certificates, OCSPD caches the responses it gets from the OCSP server. The OCSPD log messages appear in the system messages log. This cache can be flushed by pressing the Flush Cache button. Flushing the OCSPD cache can be useful when testing, or when the Certificate Revocation List (CRL) has been updated.
2.2 Configure the LoadMaster
There are a number of areas that need to be configured for the LoadMaster to use DoD CAC authentication appropriately. Refer to the sections below for detailed configuration instructions.
For information on what each of the WUI options mean, refer to the Web User Interface (WUI) Options section.
2.2.1 Connect to a Network Time Protocol (NTP) Host
If there is a time mismatch beyond a five-minute boundary between clients, intermediaries and servers, erroneous ticket invalidation will occur when KCD is in use. To avoid this problem, connect the LoadMaster to an NTP host server. The same host used by clients and servers in the infrastructure should be used by LoadMaster. An external NTP host server can be used if the LoadMaster can access it. However, if the LoadMaster is internal only - you will need to set up your own NTP server.
To configure the NTP settings on the LoadMaster, follow the steps below:
1. In the main menu, select System Configuration > System Administration > Date/Time.
2. Enter the IP address of the NTP host(s) and click Set NTP host.
3. Select a time zone in the Set time zone (UTC) drop-down menu. Click Set time zone.
The time zone needs to be manually set even when an NTP server is used.
2.2.2 Install the Root Certificate on the LoadMaster
First, the root certificate (which is needed for chaining certificates presented by clients) needs to be installed on the LoadMaster. To do this, follow the steps below in the LoadMaster WUI:
1. In the main menu, select Certificates & Security > Intermediate Certs.
2. Click Choose File.
3. Browse to and select the relevant certificate file.
4. Enter the desired filename.
5. Click Add Certificate.
6. Click OK.
2.2.3 Generate and Import a Client Certificate
Generate a client certificate, for example with OpenSSL or Active Directory, which is signed by the root certificate. The client certificate must include a SubjectAltName (SAN) section with the email addresses of the clients. This is used to check if a particular user exists in the LDAP database. This client certificate must be imported in the clients' browser.
Please import the certificate in the Personal tab of the browser certificate settings.
2.2.4 Configure the OCSP Options
To configure the OCSP options, follow the steps below in the LoadMaster WUI:
1. In the main menu, select Certificates & Security > OCSP Configuration.
2. Enter the IP address or FQDN of the OCSP Server and click Set Address.
3. Enter the OCSP Server Port and click Set Port.
4. Enter the URL to access on the OCSP server in the OCSP URL text box and click Set Path.
5. Enable or disable the Use SSL option.
6. Enable or disable the Allow Access on Server Failure option.
Kemp recommends leaving the Use SSL and Allow Access on Server Failure options disabled, but they can be enabled if needed.
2.2.5 Configure the LDAP Endpoint
To add a new LDAP endpoint, follow the steps below:
1. Expand Certificates & Security and click LDAP Configuration.
2. Type a name for the endpoint and click Add.
Spaces and special characters are not permitted in the LDAP endpoint name.
3. Type the IP address of the LDAP database or databases in the LDAP Server(s) text box and click LDAP Server(s). Separate multiple entries by using a comma.
4. Select the relevant LDAP Protocol to communicate with the LDAP server.
If you create an SSO domain with the Authentication Protocol set to Certificates, ensure to set the LDAP Protocol to LDAPS in the LDAP endpoint.
5. Type the Validation Interval and click Set Interval. This specifies how often the user is revalidated with the LDAP server.
6. Type the relevant username in the Admin User text box and click Set Admin User.
7. Type the password for the admin user and click Set Admin User Password. These admin credentials are used to check the LDAP server or servers.
2.2.6 Configure the SSO Domains
188.8.131.52 Configure the Inbound SSO Domain in the LoadMaster
An inbound configuration SSO domain needs to be created in the LoadMaster. This should contain the IP address of the LDAP database as well as an administrator username and password. These login details are used to log in to the database and check if the user from the certificate does exist. If multiple domains are configured, sign-on can then be authenticated all at once. More information on this option can be found in the ESP, Feature Description.
To create and configure this SSO domain, follow the steps below:
1. In the main menu of the LoadMaster WUI, select Virtual Services > Manage SSO.
2. In the Client Side Single Sign On Configurations section, enter the Name of the SSO domain.
3. Click Add.
4. Select Certificates as the Authentication Protocol.
5. Select the relevant LDAP Endpoint to use (as created in the Configure the LDAP Endpoint section).
6. Enable or disable the Check Certificate to User Mapping option.
7. Enable or disable the Allow fallback to check Common Name option.
For more information regarding the Check Certificate to User Mapping option, refer to the Check Certificate to User Mapping section.
8. Enter the login domain to be used in the Domain/Realm text box.
This is also used with the logon format to construct the normalized username, for example;
Principalname: <username>@<domain>
Username: <domain>\<username>
If the Domain/Realm field is not set, the Name set when initially adding an SSO domain is used as the Domain/Realm name.
Check Certificate to User Mapping
This section provides further information about the Check Certificate to User Mapping option. The Check Certificate to User Mapping option is only available when the Authentication Protocol is set to Certificates. When this option is enabled - in addition to checking the validity of the client certificate, the client certificate will also be checked against the altSecurityIdentities (ASI) attribute of the user on the Active Directory.
If the Check Certificate to User Mapping option is enabled and the check fails, the login attempt will fail. If this option is not enabled, only a valid client certificate (with the username in the SubjectAltName (SAN)) is required to log in, even if the altSecurityIdentities attribute for the user is not present or not matching.
The screenshots in this section were taken in Windows Server 2012 R2. They were correct at time of writing but they may change without our knowledge. Please consult the Microsoft documentation for the latest screenshots and steps.
The altSecurityAttribute can be set in the Active Directory Users and Computers (data.msc) console by using the Name Mappings task (see screenshots above). Both the Issuer and Subject are used for alternate security identity. Using the Name Mappings method will create an altSecurityIdentities entry on the form:
X509:<I>issuer data...<S>subject data...
There are other formats (created by other methods) but this is currently the only one supported by the LoadMaster.
When changing the mapping in the Active Directory, the changes do not take effect immediately. To see the changes immediately, the LoadMaster SSO cache would need to be flushed or the user ticket would need to time out.
Flushing the SSO cache will flush all Single Sign-On (SSO) records, reset all authentication server statuses, reset the KCD domain (if relevant) and re-read the configuration. This has the effect of logging off all clients using Single Sign-On to connect to the LoadMaster.
188.8.131.52 Configure the Outbound SSO Domain in the LoadMaster
There are some guidelines to be aware of when creating a trusted user. For further details, refer to the Create a LoadMaster Trusted User section.
To configure the server (outbound) SSO domain, follow the steps below in the LoadMaster Web User Interface (WUI):
1. In the main menu, select Virtual Services > Manage SSO.
2. In the Server Side Single Sign On Configurations section, enter the name of the Single Sign On (SSO) domain in the Name text box and click Add.
3. Select Kerberos Constrained Delegation as the Authentication Protocol.
4. Enter the Kerberos Realm address and click Set Kerberos realm. Click OK.
The Kerberos realm should be a name (not an IP address), such as kemptech.local. If an IP address is specified, authentication will not work. This field only accepts one name. Double quotes are not allowed in this field.
5. Enter the address of the Kerberos Key Distribution Center and click Set Kerberos KDC. Click OK.
This field only accepts one Key Distribution Center.
Double quotes are not allowed in this field.
6. Enter the Kerberos Trusted User Name and click Set KCD trusted user name. Click OK.
Refer to the Create a LoadMaster Trusted User section of this document for some key requirements relating to this trusted user account.
Double and single quotes are not allowed in the Kerberos Trusted User Name field.
7. Enter the Kerberos Trusted User Password and click Set KCD trusted user password. Click OK.
2.2.7 Configure the Virtual Service(s)
To configure the Virtual Service(s) to use DoD CAC authentication, follow the steps below:
1. In the main menu, select Virtual Services > View/Modify Services.
2. Expand the SSL Properties section.
3. Select Enabled.
4. Click OK.
5. Expand the ESP Options section.
6. Select Enable ESP.
7. Select Client Certificate as the Client Authentication mode.
8. Select the inbound SSO domain which was configured in the Configure the Inbound SSO Domain in the LoadMaster section in the SSO Domain drop-down list.
To allow the option to authenticate from multiple domains, alternative domains can be assigned at this point.
9. In the Server Side configuration drop-down list, select the outbound SSO domain which was created in the Configure the Outbound SSO Domain in the LoadMaster section.
10. Fill out any other details as needed. For more information on the general ESP options, refer to the ESP, Feature Description.
11. Expand the SSL Properties section.
12. Enable the Verify Client using OCSP option.
If Verify Client using OCSP is enabled and the OCSP server settings have not been configured in the OCSP Configuration screen, the client cannot be verified and the connection will fail.
13. Fill out any other details as needed.
14. Add any Real Servers as needed.
3 Using CAC Authentication for LoadMaster WUI Access
In addition to using CAC as the authentication protocol when using ESP, CAC authentication can also be used to authenticate user access to the LoadMaster administrative WUI. To configure this, follow the steps in the sections below.
3.1 Complete the CAC Infrastructure Configuration
Before enabling CAC authentication for LoadMaster WUI access, please ensure that the CAC infrastructure configuration has been completed. If it has not been completed, you may not be able to gain access to the LoadMaster WUI after enabling CAC authentication for WUI access. For further information on completing the CAC infrastructure configuration, refer to the other sections in this document and also the third party CAC documentation.
3.2 Upload the Certificate to be Validated to the LoadMaster
Ensure to upload the certificate to be validated to the Intermediate Certs section of the LoadMaster WUI. For step-by-step instructions, refer to the Install the Root Certificate on the LoadMaster section.
3.3 Enable Session Management
Session management needs to be enabled in the LoadMaster WUI in order to enable CAC authentication. To enable Session Management, follow the steps below:
1. In the main menu of the LoadMaster WUI, go to System Configuration > Miscellaneous Options > WUI Settings.
2. Tick the Enable Session Management check box.
3. Log in to the WUI.
4. If required, basic authentication can also be enabled.
For further information on WUI Session Management, refer to the Web User Interface (WUI), Configuration Guide.
3.4 Optionally Enable the OCSP Check
If desired, an OCSP check can also be enabled - but this is optional. For further information, refer to the OCSP sections in this document.
3.5 Enable CAC Authentication for LoadMaster WUI Access
Certificate authentication must be configured correctly before enabling WUI CAC support.
After session management has been enabled, CAC authentication can also be enabled for LoadMaster WUI access. To enable this, follow the steps below:
1. In the main menu of the LoadMaster WUI, go to Certificates & Security > Remote Access.
2. Select the relevant Admin Login Method.
The following login methods are available:
Password Only Access (default): This option provides access using the username and password only - there is no access using client certificates.
Password or Client certificate: The user can log in using either the username/password or using a valid client certificate. If a valid client certificate is in place, the username and password is not required.
The client is asked for a certificate. If a client certificate is supplied, the LoadMaster will check for a match. The LoadMaster checks if the certificate is a match with one of the local certificates, or checks if the Subject Alternative Name (SAN) or Common Name (CN) of the certificate is a match. The SAN is used in preference to the CN when performing a match. If there is a match, the user is allowed access to the LoadMaster. This works both using the API and user interface.
An invalid certificate will not allow access.
If no client certificate is supplied, the LoadMaster will expect that a username and password is supplied (for the API) or will ask the user to enter a password using the standard WUI login page.
Client certificate required: Access is only allowed with the use of a client certificate. It is not possible to log in using the username and password. SSH access is not affected by this (only the bal user can log in using SSH).
Client certificate required (Verify via OCSP): This is the same as the Client certificate required option, but the client certificate is verified using an OCSP service. The OCSP Server Settings must be configured in order for this to work. For further information on the OCSP Server Settings, refer to the Configure the OCSP Options section.
Some points to note regarding the client certificate methods are below:
The bal user does not have a client certificate. Therefore, it is not possible to log into the LoadMaster as bal using the Client certificate required methods. However, a non-bal user can be created and granted All Permissions. This will allow the same functionality as the bal user.
There is no log out option for users that are logged in to the WUI using client certificates, as it is not possible to log out (if the user did log out the next access would automatically log them back in again). The session is terminated when the page is closed, or when the browser is restarted.
3.6 Logging in to the LoadMaster WUI with CAC Authentication
After enabling CAC WUI authentication, you are logged out of the LoadMaster WUI. Please close the web browser and open it again. Then, attempt to log in with a valid certificate.
The WUI authentication login is based on CAC X.509 certificates. Authentication systems vary depending on the type of system, such as Active Directory or another access control list.
When logging into the LoadMaster WUI with CAC and LDAP, the username needs to be fully qualified, that is, it needs to be the UserPrincipalname or <Domain>\<Username>.
4 Appendix A: Configure the Active Directory Settings
There are certain Active Directory settings that need to be configured correctly for CAC authentication to work with the LoadMaster. Follow the steps below to configure these settings. If this account is not set up correctly, CAC authentication will not work.
The steps below are functionally equivalent for Windows Server 2008 and Windows Server 2012 R2. For more information, please refer to the Microsoft documentation.
The screenshots in this section were taken in Windows Server 2012 R2. They were correct at time of writing but they may change without our knowledge. Please consult the Microsoft documentation for the latest screenshots and steps.
4.1 Add a Certificate to the Active Directory for TLS/LDAPS
A certificate needs to be added to the Active Directory for Transport Layer Security (TLS)/Lightweight Directory Access Protocol over SSL (LDAPS).
4.2 Create a LoadMaster Trusted User
A LoadMaster trusted user must be created in the Windows domain (Active Directory). This trusted administrator user account is used to get tickets on behalf of users and services when a password is not provided. The Active Directory account for the trusted user is a user account, but it represents the LoadMaster.
Some guidelines regarding configuring the trusted user are listed below:
The User Principal Name (UPN) (User logon name) must be like a Service Principal Name (SPN), for example host/<FQDN>.UPNSuffix, like the example in the screenshot above; host/lm65.kempdev.net
The default UPN suffix must be used.
The pre-Windows 2000 user logon name has to be the name part of the FQDN that is part of the UPN above, for example KempDEV\
A DNS entry representing the FQDN must be created, ideally with a PTR record for reverse lookup.
In the LoadMaster, the Kerberos Trusted User Name is set to the FQDN name above, which should be the host name of the LoadMaster.
To open the user Properties screen, right-click the user and click Properties.
The password should be set to never expire
The user must have permissions to perform protocol transition. Refer to the Configure Delegation for the User Entry section for further information on this.
The user must be a member of the relevant domain
In the example, the items are mapped as follows:
Item |
Mapping |
Additional Information |
Username |
lm75 |
Domain |
kemptech.net |
Kerberos Realm |
kemptech.net |
Default UPN-suffix |
kemptech.net |
LoadMaster FQDN |
lm75.kemptech.net |
DNS entry |
FQDN name/LoadMaster hostname |
lm75 |
LoadMaster SPN |
host/lm75.kemptech.net |
UPN of trusted user |
host/lm75.kemptech.net |
User logon name |
Trusted user logon name |
kempdev/lm75 |
User logon name (pre-Windows 2000) |
Kerberos Trusted User Name |
Lm75 |
4.3 Associate an SPN with the User Entry
Execute the ktpass.exe file in the command prompt to associate a Service Principal Name (SPN) with the user entry, for example:
Example Syntaxktpass.exe /princ host/<LoadMasterSPN>@<Domain> /ptype KRB5_NT_PRINCIPAL /mapuser <Domain>\<TrustedUserLogonName> /mapop set /setupn /crypto all
Example Commandktpass.exe /princ email@example.com /ptype KRB5_NT_PRINCIPAL /mapuser ESPTEST\lm60.esptest.local /mapop set /setupn /crypto all
The ktpass.exe file is a Microsoft command-line utility and is present on any Windows Server installation.
When this has been completed, the user properties window will have the Delegation tab.
4.4 Configure Delegation for the User Entry
Some guidelines relating to the delegation settings for the trusted user are provided below:
The LoadMaster trusted user account must have delegation enabled (the ability to request a ticket on behalf of a user logging in) and be set to Use any authentication protocol
Delegation is not enabled by default when a user is created.
In constrained delegation mode, the service(s) that need to be available must be selected. To do this, click the Add button.
Constrained delegation can be thought of as a white list type of security authenticating. Adding a service here is really adding it to the white list.
Unless otherwise specified, the following documents can be found at http://kemptechnologies.com/documentation.
Kerberos Constrained Delegation, Feature Description
Web User Interface (WUI), Configuration Guide
Last Updated Date
This document was last updated on 10 March 2022.


text:
By Bianca Hall
NEW laws will allow authorities to collect and monitor Australians' internet records, including their web-browsing history, social media activity and emails.
But the laws, which will specifically target suspected cyber criminals, do not go as far as separate proposed laws designed to retain every Australian internet user's internet history for two years in the name of national security.
Under the laws passed yesterday, Australian state and federal police will have the power to compel telcos and internet service providers to retain the internet records of people suspected of cyber-based crimes, including fraud and child pornography. Only those records made after the request will be retained, but law enforcement agencies will be prevented from seeing the information until they have secured a warrant.
It is believed that while some telcos and internet service providers keep data for up to a week, others routinely delete users' data daily, frustrating the ability of authorities to gather evidence against suspects.
Attorney-General Nicola Roxon said the laws would help police track cyber criminals globally and give authorities the power to find people engaged in forgery, fraud, child pornography and infringement of copyright and intellectual property. They also will allow Australia to join the Council of Europe Convention on Cybercrime, which has 34 members.
''Cyber crime is a growing threat that touches all aspects of modern life,'' Ms Roxon said. ''It poses complex policy and law enforcement challenges, partly due to the transnational nature of the internet.''
But Greens communications spokesman Scott Ludlam said the laws went further than the European convention, and that the government had failed to explain why the far-reaching powers were necessary.
The European convention states that the treaty is not focused on data retention but on targeting law enforcement.
Australia's new laws mean information can be kept at least until police get a warrant.
Senator Ludlam was particularly concerned the laws would allow data that implicates Australians in crimes that carry penalties of three years or more - including the death penalty - to be collected and analysed.
''The European Treaty doesn't require ongoing collection and retention of communications, but the Australian bill does,'' he said in a statement. ''It also leaves the door open for Australia to assist in prosecutions, which could lead to the death penalty overseas.''
The deadline for submissions to a parliamentary inquiry into the separate proposed national security laws closed on Monday and a parliamentary committee will report on the issue at a date to be decided.
It ... leaves the door open for Australia to assist in prosecutions, which could lead to the death penalty overseas.
Scott Ludlam
Those proposals would allow the telephone and internet data of every Australian to be retained for up to two years and intelligence agencies would be given increased access to social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter.


text:
Last spring I returned to CN to work on the special, which was written and directed by creator Craig McCracken, and featured the Art Direction of my fellow OG PPG crew member Sue Mondt, as well as the fine work of SAM JACK/CLONE WARS colorist Leticia Lacy, FOSTER'S vets Ben Balistreri and Shannon Tindle, Shane Prigmore, C. Raggio and more!
This is the first Powerpuff Girls ever animated ENTIRELY at Cartoon Network Studios in Burbank by the Foster's Flash crew, led by Pringle.
Stay tuned, 'cause in the next few weeks I'll be posting some of my designs from the special. Man, it's been tough sitting on these babies for almost a year!


text:
"IPods? All manufactured by Apple. Keep it quiet! "
"This little contraption has saved my life and gotten me out of almost any boring predicament I've ever had."
iN 1999, the first iPod was found, with tons of pr0n and no good music, deep in the jungles of East Austria. This led researchers to believe ancient civlizations had died for good cause. The ipod was 30ft tall, made of 12carrot gold(the best) and,as thought to be said by the writing on walls in King Tut's tomb, the most highest god of these eartly people.
The iPod, a pathetic attempt at cloning the successful Zune media player, is a money-powered device produced and sold by Apple Inc. It plays anything by Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Bush, and the other Bush. It also has a porn download service built into it ($1,000 extra).
Before adoption by Apple Inc. the idea was presented to Microsoft's CEO Bill Gates who responded with "iPod?! What a shitty idea!" Bill is now sulking next to his Zune.
An instant hit, iPods slowly grew in popularity to '[ theiR posiTiOn iToday as iThe preferred iMobiLe musiCal iDeviCe of iChoiCe for iPeople with more iMoney than iSense. Eventually, you came along and suggested to Apple that they become less hiGh-and-miGhty about themselves; thus, iN an iMpossiBle partnershiP wiTh MiCrosoft, the youPod was created.
iThe iPod imaniFesto istates ithat, iDeally, ieverybody ishould iown ian iPod iand iliSten ito ibad ipop imusiC, iDeally iMadonna iand iU2, iDeally iwhiLe idownloadiNg iGwen Stefani ion ia iPC, iDeally ia iMac, ialthough iMicrosoft isoftware iand iDell iwiLl ibe itolerated iuntiL ithe iNstigation iof ithe iGloriOus irevolutiOn, iotherwiSe iknown ias ithe iVolution.
Here follows an extract from the eighteen million points of the iPod manifesto (inspired by Woodrow Wilson and D.W Griffith's love of racism and white men on white horses).
1. iPod is a(n) product of capitalism, an evil but beneficial for of privately funded economic enterprise. The public generally speaks of this as fair and square, a phrase that sells us several more of our iCuboiDs furtheriNg the cause of iVolutiOn.
3.141591337265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510. PiPod (pronounced "pie-pod") iS the ratiO between the iCircumference and the iDiAmeter of the ciRcular diSc on the front of the iPod.
17376. iPod proposes that the iDea™ of BiG Brother iS preposterous enough for us to iNcorporate iNto our plans for the world. BiG Brother shall be used as a cover for our masquerade, beiNg revealed only when iPod, the true iMaster of the uniVerse, deciDes that the iTiMe iS iRiGht.
1863. iPod jokes include i whatever but there is many things that cannot uuse i in front like iglasses or idrops.
1345782. iPod adviSes that the iM((aniF))esto be kept out of publiC liBrariEs. ipods are dead! cats!
1345783. ((iPod)) suggests that people are encouraged to iDownload the iCensored versiOn oF the maniFesto on theiR iPods.
12436481. Nano technology, when iNvented, shall be used to iNcorporate the iPod iNto the miNds of the populous. AccuspuddingpopsatiOns of the braiNwashiNg powers of the iPod are unfounded and based solely on eviDence stolen from our laboratoriEs.
13000000. Workers of the world uniTe, you have nothiNg to lose but your sense of iNdiViDualiTy, iHumour, iSexualiTy, iSiGht™ and iAdventure that miGht take you beyond iBoundariEs proviDed and regulated by the iPoliCe.
The truth behind the iPod
The iPod was actually found by Jesus (several days after the iPods finding Jesus died). After Jesus's death the iPod went missing later being recoverd in 2001. It dazzle the worlds leading scientists while little to anyones knowledge it could play music! Unfortunately, no one knew that the iPod was advanced, TOO ADVANCED! The iPod was a completely self sustainable machine that had an unlimited amount of battery and, due to the programming of Satan, its one goal was to improve anything and everything that the iPod considered obsolete. With this programming, the iPod would go up to random items, people, wildlife, plants, etc. and would say "You are obsolete!". After having quoted that phrase (which later became its catch phrase when the iPod starred as a stunt double in the movie A.I.), the iPod would then left click tools scroll down and then select "Convert to Components". After converting to components would then intergrate the components into itself making it ----larger---- smaller and more advanced. At one point, the iPod reached complete advancement after which created a new program for itself. Its new task was to making everything left into improved versions of themselves. Making up to and over v188.8.131.529 of almost everything that it didn't intergrate into itself up, until the iPod got bored with its repedative task and decided to make an improved copy of its self. This was BBBBBBBBAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!!!!!! after making an improved version of itself the improved version: iPod v0.0.00.001 integrated the older version into itself making it even more advanced. This resulted in each new iPod improving itself and intergrating the older version over and over until an error occurred on version: v6666666666666666666Yoda
The iPod v666(for short) didn't copy itself; instead it copied earth than absorbed the copy and THE ORIGINAL after that it became so advanced that it absorbed the galaxies and during its travels absorbed a blackhole and eventually absorbed the universe leaving just itself in a vast amount of nothingness. Until it absorbed itself. Leaving
nothing but nothingness behind..... except Uncyclopedia... and Meryl Streep...
Known Errors and Flaws
Because iPods were developed by kiTtens and rushed to the market so quiCkly, the iPod iS a poorly desiGned deviCe.
- Even though iT runs on MS-DOS, the kiTtens iNcluded ported versiOns of WiNdows errors to make users feel more at home wiTh the new iNterface.
- Users have found iT prone to errors iNcluding the dreaded BSOD.
- The iPod iS partiCularly piCky about the types of musiC iT wiLl accept for transfer. For example, the accompanyiNg software recogniSes and rejects downloads of any song from the 1960s 70s and 80s, especially anything by an unsigned or indie band. Such music can lead to frequent hard drive malfunction and default back ot the original song contents usually set to Justin Timberlake and the Pussycat Dolls.
- UsiNg the new iPod Nahobo genesisno can cause rectal ipain.
- If you are lucky it doesn't cause you severe depression, and if it breaks before the warranty is up, by the time apple decides to do anything, the warranty is over, cos they are slack
iNew iReleases and iVariAtiOns
iWhenever the iUrge strikes the upper iEchelons of iApple iSociety, a new item is released in the iPod image.
- iVarious iPods have been released and preceded, including:
- iCarly- see this article
- iPod iMicro - iHolds 50,001 songs, iPhoto, iHD video compatible, uses technology stolen from CL7 to cook Apple ][s
- iPod iPequeño - iHolds 1,000,000 songs, iPhoto, iHD video compatible, iCalendar goes up to year 9,000
- iPod iInvisa - iHolds 8,000,000 songs, every photo ever taken, iPong, iWatch with 48 hour clock
- iDick its long and hard baby!!!
- iPod iMiniscula - iHolds 60,000,000 songs, every photo that will be taken, and an iCalendar to year 200,000
- iGod - iThe iGod is equipped with a googolplexian yottabytes(iYB). iThe memmory capacity allows, literally, all the knowledge of the universe in mp3, txt and mpeg4 formats. iIt should be noted that it destroy all iProducts it comes in contact with (including itself) within a four mile radius if its iBattery is fully (or half-way, or not at all) charged. iThe iGod is only possessed by iBill iGates and iVladimir iPutin (who iStole it from iGates) but is set to be on the black market in . The iGod can not possibly be stolen because it is too heavy to carry more than half a meter every month.
- iCod - Waterproof version of the standard player. Must be kept in water at all times to avoid malfunction. Powered by feeding it bread once a day. When battery dies completely, iCod can be dipped in batter and eaten with deep-fried potatoe slices called Chips
- iDodd - As well as holding over 50,000 songs (all about Diddy Men), this player is also capable of advising you about tax returns, satellite navigation (as long as you want to go to Notty Ash) and generally being fucking irritating. Avoid this model.
- iPood - a toilet with built in music player, which is activated by flushing the toilet.
- iRaq - As well as holding iNukes, it is unstable and ready to destroy everyone that ever came iN contact.
- Unfortunately, the iPod iMini was misnamed, as iT iS actually the siZe of a Rover iMini car by Rover. iPod miNis may only be purchased by people—men or women—who enter the store wearing a miNi-skiRt. ThiS requiRement iS waiVed iN Scotland.* ** * The iButt, to be released iN 2007, iS the next step iN the miNd-control that pervades Apple Corp. iN testiNg, users experiEnced euphoriA comparable only wiTh kitten huffing.
- A deviCe called the iPod Photo iS now on the market, but buyers should note that iT iS not actually an iPod, but just a photo of one.
- The iPod Shuffle has been noted to shuffle repeatedly iNstead of staying put. iT's about the wiDth of a man's thumb and iS often found stuck iN relatiVely the same places as saiD thumb. iPod Shuffles may only be purchased by people who move to or viSiT Buffalo, New York.
- The Hewlett-Packard versiOn of the iPod, which iS sometimes known as the hPod, also doubles as a Hydrogen Bomb. iT iS conviEniEntly pocket siZed.
- Another versiOn of the iPod, produced under a liCensiNg agreement wiTh Pamela Anderson, iS the dPod.
- On October 12, Steve Jobs announced the new 10-pound iPod Gigantor. Features iNclude a 17 iNch display to look at photos and pr0n, 500GB HD space to store pr0n, and a handy carryiNg case.
- The DoomPod iS an iPod made for Penguins iN the Arctic and Antarctic regiOn to play Doom.
- The iPod Seal iS an iPod made of Seals.
- There was an unsuccessful marketiNg campaiGn in MexiCo for the Apple iPot.
- The iPod staple, whiCh comes stapled to your head for conveniEnce and that "i'Ve got an iPod stapled to my head!" look.
- The iPodendo iS an NES emulator that plays ROM iMages. iT iS also capable of playiNg MP3s, NES soundtrack code, and other appliCatiOns.
- Also, the PiPod was featured by Weebl and Bob
- The revPod was desiGned as a variAtiOn of the RevolutiOntendo for miLiTary soldiErs to liSten to jams on; and to explode on enemy turf when necessary.
- Oftenly has been miStaken as a remote control.
- iPod has been known to cause peoples heads to asplode.
- iPods can be miStaked as bombs to old people and some dogs. The iBomb can be related to stuff blowiNg up.
- iPods can be used as replacement WiiMots for the Nintendo Wii
- Central TraiNs use iPods to control theiR traiNs and generate excuses
- A never seen before variant of the iPod was made, and iS called the iBlade. iT iS commonly used as a method of reliEviNg oneself of spammers, and of heartless emotiOn by cuttiNg of the wriSts. iT iS also a handy letter-opener.
- iPod Flea iS the siZe of a tiCk tack and can play your favoriTe song over and over agaiN! To liSten to an album you wiLl need to buy the Flea collar and to buy songs you can go to the onliNe Apple FleaMarket!
- iGay iS an iPod that actiVates the homosexual hormone iN order to breed more homosexuals.
- It has been proven, that every time you charge your iPod, Steve Jobs eats a baby.
Product Application Notes
Use a piRated software program called iKnowNothiNgAboutCopyriGhtedTunes to share fiLes and musiC with foreiGn Websites and transfer them to your iPod. iF you have an iPod or some variAtiOn thereof, you can use iT for the followiNg:
- Address Book: ViEw the liTtle black book of Madam HeiDi FleiSs to veriFy that your husband's name does not appear.
- Calendar FunctiOn: Schedule tiMes to meet wiTh your crack dealer or your future mother-in-law, whiChever iS the least offensiVe. You can even schedule your upcomiNg nuptiAls well iN advance, but don't bother. After a few months of haviNg thiS deviCe wiRed permanently to your craniUm, iT's unliKely anyone wiLl want to marry you. Your heariNg, health, and verbal and sociAl skiLls wiLl be so badly damaged, the only optiOn left for you wiLl be to joiN a nunnery.
- AudiO FiLes: Your iPod can double as a diGiTal voiCe recorder, iF you have enough diScretiOnary iNcome to purchase all the addiTiOnal overpriCed accessoriEs that are endlessly marketed to weak-miNded consumers. Use your iPod to record class notes so you can cheat on a hiStory test, all the whiLe claiMiNg you're really liSteniNg to musiC.
- Alarm Clock: Set your iPod to go off at iNappropriAte tiMes, liKe 2:00 AM, when your stepdad iS tryiNg to get a decent niGht's sleep before hiS early morniNg work shiFt. Leave the deviCe on your mother's piLlow, but only on niGhts when she has to wake at 5:00 AM to make an iMportant busiNess meetiNg.
- AciD: After your iPod iS permanently wiRed to your braiN, you can make iT giVe you iMages of briGhtly colored backgrounds agaiNst whiCh you are turned iNto a siLhouette and forced to dance around liKe an iDiot. This optiOn iS especiAlly popular iN San Francisco.
- Games: Play cute sex games downloadable from that porn siTe your mom doesn't know about, especiAlly siNce you somehow managed to defeat the securiTy software she iNstalled. Other games iNvolve NES rom iMages for the iPodendo.
- iBrator: HotwiRe the iNternal workiNgs so the whole case shiMmiEs to and fro whiLe iT's iN your front jeans pocket. (Also see iPod Shuffle.) mmmmmmmmmmmmm~.
- Chemotherapy: HotwiRe the iNternal workiNgs so you can save a bundle on your health iNsurance.
iTs gay
TiPs for usiNg iPod
Here are a few neat iDeas for gettiNg the most out of your iPod.
- Spy KiDs: Whenever you wear your iPod headset, leave one ear bud sliGhtly askew so you can stiLl hear your parents talkiNg. ThiS allows you to selectiVely iGnore comments that don't iNterest you, whiLe siMultaneously enabliNg you to chiMe iN whenever your attiTude, taste iN musiC, or maturiTy are questiOned.
- Food PyramiD: iPods should never be miStaken for bologna, frankly because they are more liKely to resemble moldy cheese. iPods make terriBle miLkshakes. Do not put your iPod iN the blender with ice cream. However, iT's perfectly okay to substiTute iPod Shuffles for piNeapple chunks iN liMe Jello. iT iS also okay to substitute an iPod shuffle for a poptart. iPod nanos can be consiDered go-tarts.
- TraiNiNg AniMals iT iS easy to traiN your dog the basiC commands liKe 'siT', 'stay' and 'shoot' wiTh your iPod. SiMply hold down the foreword button and poiNt the iPod at your dog and yell the command untiL you a) get bored, or b) someone asks what the hell you are doiNg.
- Crafts Projects: Never spread glue on an iPod. iT makes iT harder to remove iT from your pocket. iNvest iN a heavy-duty hammer to flatten the iPod for scrapbookiNg purposes.
- Brotherly Love: Your liTtle brother wiLl benefit greatly iF you show hiM how to shove an iPod Shuffle up hiS nose. iT's uncomfortable and takes a lot of practiCe, but iT's well worth iT. Make sure you have a diGiTal camera ready to record the results.
- Toilet Paper: the ipod is a great way to clean up after itself why would you want an ipod!
Unnecessary AccessoriEs
Refresh your iPod addiCtiOn wiTh the followiNg wonderful new add-ons and gadgets.
- iSpi place the iPod up to a wall, and you can see though iT. Great for giRl's locker rooms.
- iDontKnowWhatYou'reTalkingAbout: so here's a picture of a bunny with a pancake on its head.
- iWasherAndDrIer: Washes your clothes and driEs them whiLe you liSten to your 'tunes.
- iPot: SiT back and relax as iPot sooths your iSoul. ThiS new iPod has all new colorful screen effects to enjoy your iPot even more and come wiTh a compliMentary track of your choiCe by Bob Marley and Alex Greco.
- iDon'tgiveashit iSeriousleydon'tgiveashit
- iStink: iStink giVes you 24hrs of apple scented freshness
- iOU: iOU money, im going to pay it back
- iSoviet: this app plays you
- iBrick: iBrick converts from an iPod to a doorstop after your iWarranty iExpires
- iNcest: iNcest giVes you and your chiLdren hours of pleasure
- pod!: iPod upside down, an appliCation which turns the screen the wrong way around
- iJklmnopqrstuvwxyz: Teaches the full alphabet
- iRon: 1000 hours of musiC whiLe you iRon your clothes (earphones not iNcluded, although iT's also possiBle to liSten to the relaxiNg sound of siZzliNg meat and skiN by placing the heated part of the iRon to your ear or other part of the body). ConnectiOn to an alternate and a contiNuous current requiRed.
- iPood: SpeciAly desiGned for those who have iBs, iPood iS a new product that prevents shiT going everywhere
- iPwnYou: iJust pawned you
- iRetard: Keep your retards iN liNe with thiS! iF you catch them jerkiNg off to gay porn just stiCk the cattle prod attachment found below the strap on diLdo attachment and apply pressure to iNeck. iF that doesn't work then cum on them wiTh your iSpooge.
- iNviSiBle: iNviSiBle Makes your iPod nano 69 times smaller
- iSpooge: ThiS iS used to create cum, can't guarantee your mother wont get pregnant whiLe usiNg thiS.
- iRection: In conjuctiOn wiTh PfiZer Corps comes the latest iN bedroom accessoriEs, the iRection comes iN buiLt with 10 doses of MycoxafloppiN, and MydiXafaiLiN, the sciEnce style names for the maiN iNgredient of Valium. Now, wiTh all these iCcessories, iF only you had an iGiRl.
- iStink The fiRst iPod to iDouble as an iDeoderant. Be iPrepared for unrelentiNg iFemale iAttention and or iLate iNights.
- iNoahiPod modiFiEd by Noah for use on hiS ark.
- iLaunch A revolutionary technology perfect for launching the latest iPod accessory at a corporate event designed by Apple in 2006.
- iBomb ThiS cool iPod can blow up at any tiMe, wiTh a siNgle touch on the pad. BatteriEs not iNcluded.
- iBottle ThiS new iPod accesory allows you to strap your iPod to a 4 gallon water bottle. GiVe to the people you hate because all people who aren't iDiots know that iPods aren't water proof!
- iBrator -Give Eve her apple
- iFUCK: you
- iCat An accesory for your iPod that lets you take your tunes wherever your cat goes.
- iFairy: ThiS accessory allows you to plan ahead for those speciAl occasions where you are sure to be the giFt reciPiEnt. Every tiMe you connect your iPod to your computer, iT transfers the browser hiStory of shopping siTe pages to your iPod and creates a liSt of "gotta haves". On November 25, or any date you wiSh, the iPod automatiCally emaiLs a copy of your liSt to Jebus, Hanukkah Harry, or whatever fantasy character you desiGnate, wiTh a CC to your parents.
- iQuit: A very useful accessory desiGned to keep the human populatiOn in check. The iQuit teaches the user the many fun arts of suiCiDe. Bought mostly by men who hate theiR mother-iN-laws.
- iRish: Blatantly the most stupid invention ever!!!
- iSmell: The iSmell PeriPheral allows you to download diGiTiZed odors that you can play at wiLl, especiAlly duriNg a bad prom date. FavoriTe downloads iNclude bean fart, hotdog burp, and semester-long locker room T-shiRt.
- iLost: The new Apple project that, hopefully, wiLl help iT enter the GPS busiNess by allowiNg you to liSten to musiC whiLe desperately tryiNg to fiNd the riGht road.
- iLard iLard 2.0, from iCantthinkofagoodaccessory Co., can remove some of your extra fat iN only 3 hours. Also has a new "Fat Detector" for scopiNg out fellow overweiGht people from up to 1 miLe! System RequiRements: Mac OS X-tra Large, 300 LB of storage, and iLipo jack for optiOnal suctiOn tube attachment not compatiBle wiTh WiNdows XL Fat EdiTiOn. Only 50 payments of 100 iDollars!
- iAsk and iAnswer two iGadgets wiTh extremely advanced voiCe and word recogniTiOn sensors and talking systems. Here is an example of an interestiNg conversatiOn between an iAnswer and iT's owner.
-Owner- Hello! What's your name?
-iAnswer- Yes!
-Owner- Um...OK! How old are you then?
-iAnswer- No!
-Owner- Is everything all right with you?
-iAnswer- Hello!
-Owner- There's clearly something wrong with you!
-iAnswer- Goodbye!
-Owner- Um... can you hear me?
-iAnswer- OK!
-Owner-AAAAAAAAAAAA! I can't take it anymore!
And an even more iNtrestiNg conversatiOn between an iAsk and an iAnswer.
-iAsk- What?
-iAnswer- Yes!
-iAsk- Where?
-iAnswer- No!
-iAsk- When?
-iAnswer- Hello!
-iAsk- Why?
-iAnswer- Goodbye!
-iAsk- How?
-iAnswer- OK!
As you can see, they are amaziNgly iNtelliGent. Buy your iAsk and iAnswer set now along iAnswer earphones!
- iGum Ever just bored and siTtiNg around doiNg nothiNg? Well, wiTh iGum, you can chew your musiC! .... ok you come up with an iDea... jeez
- iGun A favoriTe iN DetroiT
- iHop Makes pancakes and sasuage
- iSplode wiLl make your head a splode by liSteniNg
- iWaxPod: Seven miLliOn stoned iPod users can't be wrong. They were enliSted to help desiGn thiS uniQue product used to store your iPod earphones. An iWaxPod iS a leftover plastiC egg fiShed out of the dumpster at the end of Easter. iF you don't have a dumpster iN your backyard, substiTute a piLl bottle.
- iWetsuiT: Protects your iPod from beiNg knocked about whiLe iN your backpack. The iWetsuiT iS made of the same thiCk neoprene materiAl reserved for wiNter scuba diViNg attiRe, but wiTh extra ziPpers and pockets to store hundreds of iPod accessoriEs. The iWetsuiT unfolds iNto a full length outfiT you can wear whiLe liSteniNg to your iPod underwater. Folded, the iWetsuiT measures 12 by 24 by 4 iNches, and makes a great eviDence-free weapon for smackiNg classmates iN the head duriNg passiNg periOd. Please remove your iPod before attemptiNg to operate iT, as the statiC electriCiTy buiLd-up of the iWetsuiT can cause electrocutiOn.
- iLaundry: AutomatiCally diSpenses liQuiD detergent when user's clothes start to smell. iLaundry then osciLlates viOlently for a periOd of 25 miNutes, then riNses wiTh cold water. ThiS accessory iS only recommended when usiNg the iWetsuiT.
- iHeil: Back duriNg WWII, Apple manufactured theiR iHeil. The product allowed German NaziS to liSten to theiR favoriTe tunes whiLe fiGhtiNg. iT was hugely successful. The deviCe consiSts of a wriSt strap that holds the iPod comfortably iN place. iT was desiGned maiNly for the Nazi'S maiN posiTiOn: the salute.
- iThiNk: iN less than a week, speak 13 foreiGn languages fluently, master every martiAl art known to man, and joiN an underground rebelliOn. The iThiNk attachment plugs diRectly iNto the language processiNg and reasoniNg centers of your braiN by way of a jack on the back of your neck. MatriX iNterface software iS iNcluded at no extra cost. RequiRes submiSsiOn to communiSt iDeals.
- iForget: Uhh... iForgot what thiS one does....
- iRemember Uhh... iDamn, iI was itoo ibusy istudying ithe iI's ithat iI iforgot iagain. i.
- iBox: Lets you play Crappy games on your iPod, wiTh a 2 miNute liFespan of your battery.
- iStupiD: iF you are iNcapable of beiNg stupid, then iStupiD iS for you. iStupiD comes wiTh 34 diFferent portable softwares that wiLl enhance one's capabiLiTiEs of mental retardation anywhere.
- iSpy: WITH MY LITTLE EYE, SOMETHING BEGGINING WITH i!!!
"iI c4n't b3li3v3 th3 r3sults of the iStupiD softw4r3s!!!!!11 iI notiC3d th3 diFf3r3nc3 th3 s3cond d4y wh3n i b4shed my h34d iNto my n3ighbor's dog! Only 4ft3r 2 w3333ks, i'V3 b3g4n to iNj3ct morphiN3 iNto mys3lf! Aft3r the full 6 month p3riOd, i'V3 beg4n to w4tch MTV and 5p34|< |n 1337!!!!111!11!!1 4nyon3 c4n b3 a full fl3dg3d iDiOt by usiNg iStupiD!" ~ iStupiD customer
- iKKK:Apple's raciAlly controversiAl supporters. Set of three. Comes wiTh flaming cross and x-rated raciAl remarks.
- iOMG: OMG THiS iS SO AWESOME LiKE OMG iTS SO GANGSTER OMG OMG OMG OMG
- iNnoy: iMports the MiCrosoft papercliP, whiCh pops up whenever you turn on your iPod. " iT looks liKe your goiNg to liSten to a song."
- iTunes: That iS what WiNdows MediA Player iS for.
- iTrip: Was fiRst thought to be an accessory for the iPod allowiNg iT to transmiT FM frequenciEs, has shown to also be able to broadcast braiN waves causiNg the user to temporariLy black out, and fall. Product has caused many fataliTiEs. Use at your own riSk.
- iKill: Was noted Self Explanetory
- iShiT: (upgrade to the iCrap) iTs so good, because iT enhances your shiT to super shit
- iPwn
- First Gen iPwn the iPwn first generatiON is like... grooooovy!
- Latest iPwn The iPwn has many pwn features for iNstance the n00b Seek and Destroy feature where iT actually fiNds n00bs and pwns them for you.
- iMug The iMug iS capable of iNcreasing your chances of gettiNg mugged whiLe carryiNg your iPod iN dark alleys.
- iVirus Causes any iProduct to malfunctiOn, diSplayiNg iSuck on the screen. ThiS allows for anyone to get iNsurance money from Apple and buy a real thiNg.
- iCondom Stop your iPod from beiNg african... BUY AN iCONDOM
- iMaturiTy For non-iMature people. ThiS, however, was quiCkly diScontiNued after iT was diScovered that those who buy iPods have thiS already had thiS as an attriBute of theiR personaliTy.
- iSuk Although iT may be an unnecessary accesory, the iSuk iS maiNly equiPped on every siNgle iTem the MaciNtosh has ever sold. The iSuk was the basiS for the very fiRst piEce of shiT computer they sold. Feature iNclude: Low battery liFe, miSsiNg piXels, iNcompatiBiLiTy wiTh 90% of programs, iTchy watery eyes, anal seepage, hiGh iNsurance rates, and geniTal herpes.
- iMoticons For when you are too lazy to maniPulate your face iNto an expression, but you are too stupiD to get a regular emotiCon
- iDiLdoPlay your iTunes whiLe gettiNg a real workout!
- iSabi?????? iI wiLl let you fiGure that out.
- iVasectomy You know what thiS does.
- iBalls The newest iPod out from Apple not only can suck your balls iT doubles as a vacuum.
- iTorso iN the worst ciRcumstances your torso gets chopped off you can buy iTorso and rock out liKe a quadriPlegiC.
- iLiMb an addiTiOn to iTorso add a leg or arm to iTorso for only 10 easy payments of $14.99!!!
- iPot assiSts your iPod iN kiLliNg brane sellzz... ya...
- iPORN What a Lemon uses to get hiS pleasures.
- iBliNd All your favoriTe songs in braiL!
- iDeaf MusiC for the heariNg iMpaiRed!
- iGayPORN What a care bear uses to get hiS pleasures.
- iFart What you lookiN at?!
- iHole put thiNgs iN iT for pleasure.
- iShotgun useful to mobster who need to make a hiT and love to liSten to Garth
- iBeatyourMeat HJ on the go.
- iAmYourMother Self explaining.
- iRan Shoes that play your music and smells.
- Islam Join to slam tall towers for fun...yeah.
- iSuck You sucking
- iBomber A vogue accesory among youngs. Useful for bodyrock Jihad on your infedels.
- iAAAAAAAAA! AA AAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA
- iMacintosh A 3rd-D app in the Apple iI.
- iShit SELF EXPLiNiNG...
- iPad for those with Chicago accents
- iDildo The first and only sex toy that penetrates you in two ways at the same time, through your Vagina and your ears.
- iReally-need-to-go An addition to the iSHit
- iRape' you attach to the outside of the ipod and it then rapes you yes you the preson reading
- iK-47 Listen to your favorite muslim chants while massacring infidels.
- Mi-6 apple's new intelligence agency in a box. Note: Pre-2005 models may make mistakes and label electricians as terorists.
- iGasm all the uses of a partner with all the need of a thumb.
- iDied for those fuckiNg emos who kiLled themselves.
- jPod the new ediTiOn of the iPod, the jPod iS so much better, people jUmp off of cliFfs to get iT.
- iCalvin keEps yoU up wiTh the CalVinisTs.
- iTouch learN hOw to touch wIth Michael Jackson!
- iCharge Allows you to charge your lazer
- iFire Sequal to iCharge where you fire your lazer
- iGrue Contains the top-ten music hits according to the Grue-MTV awards 2010. Some of the songs are. Getting killed by a grue, You took my love, and fed her to a grue,My heart is beating for a grue.
- iBLAH the final of the iCharge trilogy. In this you get burnt to a crisp
DockiNg StatiOns
"Why not just make an iPod with speakers?"
On theiR never endiNg quest to riViTaliZe technology, Apple released the iPod DockiNg StatiOn (PossiBle attempting to create a more resiLiAnt alternatiVe to theiR iPod headphones, whiCh break iF exposed to sound). Although to some iT may appear liTtle more than a paiR of cheap speakers glued together, the dockiNg station iS most indeed a fresh and iNnovatiVe deviCe, utiLiZiNg an abstract dockiNg port to ensure that, unliKe other mere sound output deviCes, iT's good for absolutely nothiNg but playiNg an iPod (for conveniEnce). It was a biG hiT amongst dediCated iPod liStenerS, not satiSfiEd by weariNg theiR headphones around theiR neck on full volume, to make sure everyone around them knows exactly what they're liSteniNg to, so to demonstrate theiR iNvariAbly excellent taste iN musiC. It's also a favoriTe for Mac users wantiNg to drown out the sound of criTiCiSm, with an ongoiNg track of them selVes goiNg 'La-la-la-la-la-la-la!(ProfessiOnally miXed with Pro Tools), as criTiCiSm is the only thing that can send them back to the fiFth diMensiOn, where they belong. Of course, giVen the ever growiNg demand for diVersiTy in modern culture, making iT iN 250 diFferent shapes and siZes was a must. Many collectors have gone mad and cut theiR eyes and ears out tryiNg to fiGure out just what the fuck the diFference between them iS.
Have Your own iPod!
WiTh the advance of the iOdd technologiEs, today you may have your own iPog! These aniMals aren't just liKe the iJapanese TamagoshiS, they act almost liKe normal dogs!. You can iFeed them by theiR iMetalliC cable, whiCh works as a modern straw. By connectiNg them iNto a iFeediNg Terminal, the iPog sucks all the energy from your iHouse. iT wouldn't happen, iF you had an iHouse. DespiTe that facts, iPog are somewhat cool, and they do not bark liKe a dog everytiMe, just iF you download that noiSe. They usually bark worse songs, liKe RolliNg Stones choiR iN 2056. TheiR earplugs are both ears and rope, that you can use to hang yourself whenever you need. Very useful. You may fiNd iPog pet shops in iRan, iRaq, iTaly, iDaho, iLliNoiS and iOwa. Or even saying iLoveu cappucino with a simple touch of iCe
Where to Get Your Own iPod
iPods are the one of the most coveted deviCes on the market today, coming iN second only to solar-powered nose haiR cliPpers. Here iS an age-by-age guiDe to where you can acquiRe your own iPod.
- ProtectiOn Racket (Elementary school): Schoolyard chums are more than wiLliNg to giVe you an iPod at no cost to you. All you need do iS to promiSe to shiEld them from bulliEs. Of course, you're not responsiBle for what miGht happen to them iF they aren't your friEnds.
- Locker Rooms (HiGh School): Hang out whiLe your classmates, play volleyball, or practiCe cheerleadiNg. Open an unsecured locker or two and help yourself. That jerk doesn't deserve an iPod anyway... riCh bastard! TiP: Cover the securiTy system camera wiTh shaviNg cream beforehand.
- Up you butt and around the corner (your own one): StiCk two fiNgers up your butt (preferably the iNdex and thumb) and then piNch, and pull out. (miGht need some cleaning before use)
- Treasure Hunt (College Student): iNvest iN one of those metal detectors so you can diG up an abandoned iPod or two on the nearby college campus. Most students know Mom and Dad wiLl cough up money to replace an iPod "stolen" or "lost" duriNg the semester. iF you can't fiNd one iN the grass, try dumpster-diViNg around the end of the year, or siMply open a nearby unattended backpack. iMagiNe how grateful your dorm roomiE wiLl be when you present hiM wiTh a previOusly-owned iPod to replace hiS previOusly "lost" or "stolen" one! But he wiLl eventually lose iNterest and go back to biNge driNkiNg and unprotected sex.
- Subway Stud (Young Urban ProfessiOnal): You can get your choiCe of iPod models iF you travel London mass transiT systems. Just poiNt out a potentiAl terroriSt attack to diStract the owner, grab the iPod, and run. Chances are, no one wiLl notiCe iN all the mass confusiOn and hysteriA. Another variAnt of thiS iS to fiNd a guy wiTh an iPod, tell the cops he's a BraziLiAn electrician, and take the iPod off of hiS body when they shoot hiM.
- Apple Store (Homemaker): Moms can fiNd iPods iN the produce sectiOn of theiR neiGhborhood Safeway stores, riGht next to the bruiSed bananas. There are seven variEtiEs of iPods, iNcludiNg iJonathan, iWiNesap, and iGrannySmiTh. iF the store iS out of iPods, check the purses of other shoppers, whiCh normally happen to abandoned for a few seconds iN a shoppiNg cart. You may also get your "mac"matiCiAn certiFiCatiOn at thiS store.
- Game of Fetch (seniOr ciTiZen): ViSiT your local area park, upon locatiNg your nearest fellow seniOr you should quiCkly tap hiM on one shoulder and run around to the other siDe, whiLe hiS old neck creaks around to look for you, steal hiS cane and throw iT a few yards away. When he goes to get iT, take hiS iPod, as everyone has them these days. (iF you are not capable, just take iT, he's bound to not iNotiCe anyway)
- NiNtendo Store (viDeo game enthuiAst): People can play NES games on the iPodendo.
- A pocket (miDdle school): Rarely, you may see someone have theiR iPod in theiR pocket. iN order to gaiN possesiOn, reach iNto theiR pocket, and pull iT out. RunniNg iS recommended duriNg thiS procedure. Afterwards, claiM that you have acciDentally broken iT, and "promiSe" that you wiLl buy them a new one. Actually buyiNg them another one iS not iNtended.
- North Korea Commonly fouNd on sidewalks in metropolitian areas and takeN in exchange for a clone of AlisoN Krauss. Caution must be taken when approching North Korean ipods however, they will commonly expel large ammounts of buTter and the ocCasional Fender Telecaster
- Your Mother (Anyone who has one): iT's somehwere on your mother's body, you just need to fiNd iT. Try lookiNg by her ass.
iPod in Popular Culture
"iPods are a marvelous fruit, the most marvelous fruit I know. Their smell recalls the living rain, their taste the freshest snow."
[thiS iS also known as 'iPop']
- The iPod iS frequently mentiOned iN Schindler's Christmas List.
- You can't go down a fuckiNg street wiThout seeiNg one, even iN the projects.
- Everyone has an iPod, iHave an iPod, myDog has an iPod. except you, u-Don't have an iPod, you are not cool enough.
- All members of the ACLU own iPods.
iCan't Believe iT's Not iPod
iCan't Believe iT's Not iPod, MiCrosoft's attempt at cashiNg iN on the lucratiVe iPod market.
Can iT really cause Cancer?
iT has been proven that iPods cause cancer. Doctor Dre has done research on the subject for over 30 years. The iPod contains a radiOactiVe sound diStriButor iN iTs fliMsy ear buds. When the volume reaches a certaiN volume level the radiO actiVe sound diStriButer(RASD) actiVates causiNg maliGnant tumors and spontaneouss combustiOn. It also may cause ball cancer if placed in any males pockets.
What to do when you encounter an iPod
Keep iN miNd that iPods are very terriToriAl creatures, liKe cats. They don't react well to other iTunes liBrariEs, and wiLl hiSs and spiT iF you corner them iN another liBrary. They are most dangerous when cornered. They wiLl pull out a kniFe iF they aren't updated to the latest versiOn of software. Try not to take any of iTs songs, either. Once a song enters the iPod, iT can never come out after iT sprays iT wiTh an aciD whiCh converts all fiLes iNto .m4p fiLes. Then they melt and ooze and you don't wanna touch 'em. Gross. PlayiNg DVDs on your iPod? iF you're not NorwegiAn, then forget about iT. They spiT these up iN haiRballs out of theiR USB cables. Rub iTs cliCk wheel softly untiL iTs screen briGhtness goes down. Then you can keep iT horny wiTh some iPorn whiLe you hiT iT with a sack fulla penniEs (CanadiAn penniEs won't work, George Castanza). Now you can briNg iT up to the cashiEr and cough up a mere $300 to take the liL' bugger home.
- WarniNg As iT iS liKe cats, iT wiLl get even more piSsed iF you already place iT near a MiCrosoft Zune, whiCh are liKe biTches..err dogs.
The iPod Software
- iPod software is often known to be regularly updates. Records show that there is 17million updates(the software is updates every 7 seconds).
- Please note that under the terms of use, it is legal for the iPod software to make, test, or launch a nuclear missile.
- Also, iPod software must be used in life support machines, air traffic controlling stations, nuclear power plants, or anywhere else where the program's failure could compromise human livelihood.
- iT iS a little known fact that the iPod comes with an "Easter Egg" - a scale! Just place your iPod on the ground (iConcrete seems to work best), put on wooden shoes, and step on the iPod. The scale will automatically appear.


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Take the Summer Challenge!
It's so easy to get caught up in our vacation plans and grow lazy in our church attendance and spiritual life during the summer months. As the following story reveals, God never goes on vacation and we shouldn't find excuses to take a vacation from church. How can we continue on our journey with Christ during the summer months? Try implementing some of the ideas below and use them for inspiration in finding additional ways to keep your family close to Christ!
This article is adapted from the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America's Center for Family Care at www.goarch.org/archdiocese/departments/family
Where does God go for summer vacation? A little girl I know pondered that same question not too long ago. Sarah loved Sunday School; she went every Sunday. She liked being in church with her parents… but when summer came- it would all end!
Why wasn't there church? Why wasn't there any Sunday School? Where did her friends go? She really was concerned. She wondered why the choir stopped singing on Sundays. Even worse, she wondered why there wasn't church in the summer… when in actuality, her parents would just stop going to church in the summer!
The summer was their "time off". Time to lounge in the sun. Time to plan family vacations and weekends away. It was time to concentrate on rest and relaxation. But for Sarah, it was strange not to go to church, see her friends, or be with God.
On the day that her family piled into the station wagon to visit their grandmother, Sarah asked her mother, "Mom, where does God go for summer vacation? "
Her mother chuckled at the question, and told her God doesn't go on vacation.
Sarah wondered, "Why don't we go to church then? Why isn't there any Sunday School? Why don't I get to see my church friends?"
Her parents weren't really prepared to deal with questions like this! What could they say? After all, God wasn't on vacation… they were! Imagine her parents' surprise when they realized their little daughter had "stumped them." They just didn't know how to answer her question. But what was really great was that they were worried enough about it to look for an answer!
Until now, her parents thought: Church was only a 2-hour responsibility on Sunday mornings. For Sarah though, it was a different story. She lived what she learned. Church wasn't just an obligation for her. No way! In fact, it was a way of living… a way of being!
-Excerpt taken from Where Does God Go for Summer Vacation?
So, where does God rank in your family's summer plans? Will He go with you on vacation, or will a break from school and work mean a break from God? This summer we want to invite you to take the Summer Challenge. Instead of taking a rest from your spiritual life, we want your family to use the summer to grow closer to God. Be creative! Be committed! Be with Christ! Here are some ideas to get you started:
- Go to Church! Summer is a wonderful time to worship with your family. Attend Divine Liturgy as well the other services offered throughout the season. If you are vacationing, visit different Orthodox churches. To find an Orthodox church close to you, visit: www.scoba.us. Don't forget to check the calendar of the church for special fasting periods and other celebrations. Information can be found at: www.antiochian.org/calendar.
- Camp Out! No, not the kind where you pitch a tent in the middle of the wilderness (although that can be fun); we're talking about sending your children to one of the many wonderful Orthodox summer camp programs. It is a great way for them to experience the faith. To find a program near you visit: www.antiochian.org/AntiochianVillage. Also, check with your parish priest to find out if your Metropolis hosts a family camp you can attend together.
- Take a Hike! Summer is a great time to really appreciate the beauty of God's design. So hike, bike, fish, and swim-- just get out there! While you're there, consider pausing to read Psalm 104, which is a beautiful poem of God's creation. Next time you attend a Vespers service, take notice that it begins with this Psalm.
- Be an Explorer! Decide on something you want to learn about Christ and His Church this summer and explore! Perhaps you want to learn how to chant (www.goarch.org/en/chapel/chant.asp) or you want to learn more about the Gospel (www.goarch.org/archdiocese/departments/family/family-gospel-lessons). Consider ordering Where Does God Go for Summer Vacation?; a workbook to guide your children in their summer's spiritual journey. This book can be ordered at: www.youth.goarch.org.
- Help Out! Christ was a servant to all and He wants us to be the same. Consider projects you can do to help others both in your neighborhood and globally. Check with your local parish and social agencies for ideas. Also check with the following: International Orthodox Christian Charities (www.iocc.org) and Orthodox Christian Mission Center (www.ocmc.org) if you want to help people outside your community. For something really different, consider volunteering your time with Project Mexico (www.projectmexico.org) and build a house for some very special families.
- Listen Up! We are surrounded daily by so much noise. Why not try listening to something different? Orthodox Christian Network (www.receive.org) has music and interviews that edify the soul. Also, check out Ancient Faith Radio (http://ancientfaithradio.com), another Orthodox Internet broadcast. Have your children listen to their weekly children's story time called Under the Grapevine.


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2020 promises a year of transition for the games industry: eSports and games broadcasting are competing with traditional programming; game streaming services are becoming meaningful platform competition; and new consoles are on the way.
While most in the studio and TV industries continue to struggle with the games market—neither understanding (or seeing) a strategic fit, nor showing a willingness to invest—expect explosive growth to power the industry for the next decade and transform all entertainment services, not just games.
The 'free-to-play' games sector requires oversight and regulation to protect children and the vulnerable; expect regulatory turbulence in the UK, Europe and China.