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Fuel Consumption/Emissions*
Fuel Consumption/Emissions*
Passau, Germany
We build sports cars. Always have done. It's in our genes to advance. To never stand still, unless it's to enjoy a brief moment of pleasure.
A single ingredient doesn't constitute a recipe. The same applies to success. And here's such a story. Three students. One idea. Combined with gut feel, strategy, the necessary stamina and a dash of humour. And the courage to prevail. Together with the
The first thing in common between the
The time was right.
Why should you have to relinquish the comfort of a saloon car if you want to drive one of the best sports cars? Why shouldn't you be able to take advantage of e-mobility without economising on driving performance and pleasure? These are the questions that underlie the
But just like Thomas Edison and many other great inventors down the ages, the young entrepreneurs first had to confront the doubts of the general public. "People are always a little reluctant when they encounter something new," says Max and grins. A specially commissioned survey from the first year proves this theory: over 1,000 people were asked whether they were willing to buy muesli online. Not a single person answered this question with "Yes". However, this was no reason for the three founders to give up. Because the desire for individuality suddenly became modern. And 10 years later, business is better than ever before. This goes to show that you should not be put off easily and should give luck a chance. With imagination, intelligence and a strong will. Because it is all about striking the right chord – and offering something where people do not yet know how much they are going to like it. That is then really innovation.
Perfect interaction.
We meet Max, who is also representing his two co-founders. He attaches great importance to the fact that the mymuesli project is not a one-man show. It is immediately apparent that he fully embodies the team spirit. The three friends realised their plan together right from the start and never wanted anything else. They value the interaction of individual components very highly. Each individual makes their own contribution. And all of them work in harmony. Sometimes an idea is even realised without a business plan, tried out because they enjoy what they do. And because they are driven by the goal of turning a small idea into something big. There is a rule of thumb for decisions, a combination of gut feeling and strategic understanding. Max says that they may not be in agreement about every detail. But they complement each other perfectly, encourage and support each other. Each one of them has his own competencies and passion. "And none of us wants to just do his own thing." That is important because the whole is what counts and that is far more than the sum of its part. We immediately think of the
For the founders, each individual employee plays an equal part in the company's success. Whether in management, production, purchasing or sales. At the start, they were not sure if they should even give themselves titles. "For a long time I was Head of Customer-Wow-Experience", says Daniel, Director of Marketing, who we meet briefly. When the three founders speak of "we", they mean their whole company. That has not changed up to the present day. If you ask the people who work in the company, they talk about one big family with shining eyes. In spite of the impressive growth and size of the company, they have remained true to themselves deep down. Everyone can make a contribution. Everyone enjoys the same respect. Some employees have even been with the company right from the start. They take pleasure in recalling how a small manufacturing facility has become a large production site with just under 700 employees. With the corresponding equipment and individual installations. And the first shop in a pedestrian precinct. They have the feeling that they are part of something great. And they all work with pleasure and passion towards a joint goal: making sure that the mymuesli idea is always filled with new life. Things are also sometimes serious. "The young guys from back then are naturally the bosses today. And as such they sometimes have to take decisive action. But on the whole they are still the lads from before."
Entrepreneurial spirit.
With the
Start-up or medium-sized company, that is the question. And here too, the right combination wins. A medium-sized company stands for an established state of affairs. It is a sign of success. However, they still do not want to fully give up their start-up title. Why should they, when they can still see new development potential. Their role models are companies that have maintained an unmistakeable design language over many years, just like
Only the best ingredients.
One reason for the importance attached to quality is love of the product. Customers should be rewarded for their curiosity and desire to try something new. A principle that we share not just in our hybrid models. Max is already particularly looking forward to the first fully electric
© 2019 Dr. Ing. h.c. F.
* Data determined in accordance with the measurement method required by law. Since September 01, 2017 certain new cars have been type approved in accordance with the Worldwide Harmonized Light Vehicles Test Procedure (WLTP), a more realistic test procedure to measure fuel consumption and CO2 emissions. From September 01, 2018 the WLTP will replace the New European Driving Cycle (NEDC). Due to the more realistic test conditions, the fuel consumption and CO2 emission values determined in accordance with the WLTP will, in many cases, be higher than those determined in accordance with the NEDC. This may lead to corresponding changes in vehicle taxation from September 01, 2018. You can find more information on the difference between WLTP and NEDC at www.porsche.com/wltp.
Currently, we are still obliged to provide the NEDC values, irrespective of the testing method used. The additional reporting of the WLTP values is voluntary until their obligatory use. As far as new cars, which are type approved in accordance with the WLTP, are concerned, the NEDC values will therefore be derived from the WLTP values during the transition period. To the extent that NEDC values are given as ranges, these do not relate to a single, individual car and do not constitute part of the offer. They are intended solely as a means of comparing different types of vehicle. Extra features and accessories (attachments, tyre formats etc.) can change relevant vehicle parameters such as weight, rolling resistance and aerodynamics and, in addition to weather and traffic conditions, as well as individual handling, can effect the fuel consumption, electricity consumption, CO2 emissions and performance values of a car.
** Important information about the all-electric


text:
tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40843250405117498942019-08-24T09:05:10.417-04:00Wandering Thoughts of a Broken ManThe struggles and thoughts of a Christian guy trying to deal with his broken sinful nature.AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-32771426155089853742011-09-12T10:55:00.006-04:002011-09-12T22:30:23.918-04:00Normal?Its been awhile! I am still alive! :) My summer went really well! Things continue to improve in the social department although slowly at times but still I am thankful. I am definitely getting much closer to a few people which is great. I still have alot I want to improve but things are getting better slowly and I am very thankful for that!

I had a rather silly little thing happen in the last week that suddenly made me think on all I missed by having SSA growing up. I was at a BBQ recently and one of the people there was talking about his teenage son and all the girls he was starting to be interested in and suddenly adding as friends on his Facebook. Everyone there was like "oh looks like he is a "normal" teenage boy and he is starting to notice girls". They made several jokes and laughed about his new found interest in girls. Several people joked saying "oh we all know what that was like growing up" I just laughed along pretending that was my experience growing up as well. I was not really upset by this or anything it just made me think how unlike my own life was compared to everyone else at the barbecue. I just felt sort of like an outsider pretending I too had those feelings growing up and understood perfectly what they were all laughing and smiling about as they reminisced about their own teenage years and when they first started noticing the opposite sex. Several people shared about their dating adventures with the opposite sex growing up and I really did not have much to add and just sort of smiled and nodded and pretended I understood what a "normal" teenage experience was.

Was just interesting thats all. Sometimes its hard to relate when you feel so different and your teenage years where so unlike what most people would call "normal". But I still had alot of fun and I was glad I was invited to the cookout! It was just a momentary thing where I suddenly felt different but it soon passed and I had a good time again. I said a quick prayer just telling God about my hurts growing up and how I felt different and then let it pass. Unlike the past where I would have dwelt on my differences the whole time I let it pass and was able to have fun again! :)AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-84412257142547165782011-06-13T13:01:00.009-04:002011-06-13T18:29:10.124-04:00Out of a Far Country Review
I just finished reading "Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son's Journey to God. A Broken Mother's Search for Hope" by Christopher Yuan and his mother Angela. It is a very powerful modern day prodigal son story! It would be a great book for anyone to read IMO not just those struggling with homosexuality that really shows God's love, grace, and mercy.

I don't directly relate with all of Chris' story since I was a Christian from a young age. But I still related to alot of his story and it was amazing to see this journey that he was on and how God used his struggles with drugs and homosexuality to bring both him and his mother to the point where they realized their only hope was Jesus!

I was really moved by this story and was cheering Christopher and his mother on as I read it! The writing style was very unique one chapter would be from Christopher's perspective and the next from his mother Angela's and we got to often see both perspectives of the same events. I really felt like I got to know both him and his mother as I read their stories.

Angela's unending faithfulness in prayer and love for her son was pretty amazing. It made me really question my own prayer life and inspires me to try and do a better job spending time with the Lord in prayer. Time and time again Christopher pushed her away but she just kept on praying and reaching out to him because of her love for him and her wanting him to find Jesus's love as she had.

Through the whole book what Christopher was searching for was love and acceptance. "But when I stepped into the gay community I was exposed to a world of outcasts who had come together and become family. They stood up for one another, supported one another. They laughed with me, cried with me, and accepted me for who I was-gay" Its really what we all are searching for I think, love and acceptance. If only the church would do a better job of providing this support and love for the SSA struggler. I think things are slowly improving but there is a long way to go.

This book to me was really a love story of Gods love for Christopher and showed how God is willing to chase us to the ends of the earth if he has to in order for us to realize His love for us. No matter where he ran, God kept chasing him whether to bath houses, gay clubs, drug dens, or prison. Really brought me to tears several times reading it and seeing how God would not give up. Through the whole book you could just see how God was there for Christopher even on his darkest days in a lonely prison cell. I loved the story how another prisoner in the past had written "If your bored, read Jeremiah 29:11" on the roof of the metal bunk of his prison bed.
Here is that verse:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

After reading that verse he wrote in the book that "...the world would be happy for me to be locked away for good. And yet God was saying something completely different. He wanted to be a part of my life-no matter who I was or what I had done. He didn't see me as a criminal. He didn't see me as a felon. He didn't see me as a number. But rather, he saw me-and he saw hope." Christopher had finally found the acceptance he had always been searching for! Not from man but from his creator! Gods love is so amazing!!

I also found it amazing that God uses Christopher's struggle with homosexuality to in effect save his mother too. From reading this book I think it is doubtful that she would have humbled herself and sought after God if not for this struggle in Christopher's life that shattered her "perfect" world and dreams for her son. She likely would have continued to try and keep up appearances that everything in her life was just fine rather then admit she was a sinner in need of a savior. One of my favorite lines in the book was when she wrote "I no longer had to be perfect. My Father in heaven loved me anyway. It was all I could do to keep from shouting, "I'm a sinner!, I'm a sinner!, I'm a sinner!" Love that so much!! Its pretty amazing how God uses our very struggles and weaknesses to draw us to him. We can never know His full plan and why he allows us to struggle with certain things. Really makes me think about my own struggles with SSA. Who knows where I would be without them? God has a plan for me and will continue to use my struggles to draw me to him and be a testimony of His love for even me with my sins and all and His love for all sinners.

One of my favorite chapters was the one titled "Holy Sexuality". Its a great chapter for those like me who struggle with same sex attractions. It talked about how the goal is not heterosexuality but instead holy sexuality. Like Christopher for a very long time in my life I thought God saw me as an abomination and that in order for him to be pleased with me I had to change my attractions somehow and become straight. I am finally learning over the past year that is not true at all. All God wants is for me to trust him and do my best to obey. Like Christopher said in the book "God never said, "Be heterosexual for I am heterosexual." He said, "Be Holy for I am holy."  I also loved his view that marriage could one day be possible since we don't have to be attracted to ALL women which is very overwhelming for the SSA individual but just to one. I too could see that happening one day possibly for me and it gives me hope. If it never happens I am sure God will provide for me in my single life to even if at times there are struggles of loneliness. After all as this quote so perfectly says "Change is not the absence of struggles change is the freedom to choose holiness in the midst of our struggles."

Anyways this is by far one of the best books I have read on homosexuality and Gods love for the SSA struggler, you should consider reading it! It goes so far beyond just that one issue though. This book gives hope to all sinners and prodigals no matter what they struggle with that God loves them and wants nothing more then for them to surrender and admit they need him. He is ready to accept us with open arms even with all the dirt and filth and sins and everything that we struggle with just like the prodigal sons father did in the Bible when he finally came home.AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-35214131043442532182011-06-08T16:31:00.003-04:002011-06-08T16:39:16.452-04:00OkayLove this song by Lisa Gungor.

Maybe someday things really will finally be okay?

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maybeAJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-36402290833866447542011-05-30T17:03:00.012-04:002011-05-30T20:15:23.789-04:00Wandering Thoughts for May 30th, 20111. Hey everyone! Long time no blog! Hope everyone from the US is having a Happy Memorial Day! Just wanted to post because its been so long. Things are pretty good here overall I suppose. Still going to my small group every week etc.... Its still been good and I am getting alot out of the meetings and the sharing we do. It is nice to feel accepted yet still I have trouble getting closer as I wish for. I have not really talked about any issues regarding SSA and myself much since the day I shared. I still find it incredibly hard to talk about and get emotional when I do. I guess I have alot of wounds still to deal with. But its good as they have not brought it up much really. I know they accept me where I am and love me which is cool so maybe there is nothing else to be said about my struggles with SSA for the time being? I appreciate all the advice many of you gave me in my last post. It was and is very helpful to me. I have to realize I may never be able to connect with others completely how I hope to but I am going to keep trying of least. I do know that I am showing more of my real self very slowly when I go to the small group so that is good. Of least I am making progress although its slow for me. Even with my struggles in the open with my small group I often feel I am not important enough for others to care about or that I am a bother or something and that if I share how I am really feeling at times when I am down or feeling lonely they will be annoyed or think I am to much trouble. Have to work on that as I know its probably not true and likely it is from years of low self esteem and shame.

2. I just got the book "Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son's Journey to God. A Broken Mother's Search for Hope" by Christopher Yuan and his mother Angela Yuan. I plan to write a review for it here when I am done reading it so check back for that! Looking forward to reading it!

3. I really love this video that I saw posted over on Dave's blog http://gayandevangelical.wordpress.com Its titled "The Church is Your Family: Reflections for Singles & Those Struggling with Homosexuality." It is a talk given by professor Matt Jenson at Biola University. Its all about how the church has to be family for those who are single or struggling with homosexuality and not act like singleness is a disease or something that should be looked down on. Really good stuff you should watch it! Its something the church really has to work on I think just providing a family like atmosphere for those who don't have families of their own because of their brokenness or for other reasons. That means more then just meeting Sunday mornings!! Check out the video below:

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OK that's it for now. Just wanted to post a few small updates so you know I am still alive. :)

-AJAJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-85307563022435852272011-04-15T11:17:00.002-04:002011-04-15T11:30:59.665-04:00Shattered WallsSorry for not posting about my big night of sharing sooner. Ok here it goes.

Ok so that night I was sort of hoping my small group leader had forgotten that I had asked to share that night lol. But he emailed me a few hours before the meeting to ask if I still wanted to share so I was like oh man this is it I am really sharing. I was now in panic mode a bit and was like wow this is really happening. I then just spent a few quite moments with God telling him I am going to obey and do this even though it is very scary and that I trust Him that its for my good.

So I get to my small group and I am a nervous wreck. I just say hi to everyone and try to act normal. We sang a worship song after everyone was settled and I could not really even focus on it. Not sure what song it was. Then the leader asked if so and so wanted to share. I thought it was going to be me but no someone else wanted to share something too. So while she shared I was hoping that the time would run out or something and I would not have time to share lol. It was a cool story but I could not focus to much on it as I was to nervous about me sharing very shortly.

After she was done sharing the leader was like "AJ did you want to share something?" Gulp here it is! I replied softly yea and got written notes out of my pocket that I had written to read to the group since I knew I would never be able to be coherent and explain everything right without writing it down. Everyone seemed excited I was sharing as I am a pretty quiet guy and they have been interested in knowing more about me.

I got pretty emotional right away. Before I even started sharing. I told them how hard it was for me to share this but that I felt God wanted me too. And that I have never told anyone else about this struggle I have. So the first 2 paragraphs were about my history and about this being really hard for me to talk about and something that I have never shared and has filled me with shame. So I got through those and then got to childhood stuff and how I have always been sensitive and shy and had not many male friends and could not connect with guys and have had a lonely childhood.

Then I got to paragraph 3. This was the big one where SSA was mentioned and me having to say the words that I have kept hidden from everyone my entire life. I broke down again and they passed me the tissues :).

I recovered and said the words that I have dreaded saying my whole life it seems. I was like "I struggle with SSA and have since I was 12 or 13. I quickly glanced up to see if anyone had a horrified expression or whatever. But all I saw was love, care, and concern on their faces. So I continued and read the whole story. I told about all the pain and confusion I had growing up. The overwhelming shame and guilt. The wondering if God could love me or if I could even be a Christian and struggle with this. The loneliness. Everything. I threw it all out there. Of course I got emotional many other times while reading it.

And then the last page or so was about the ways God is working in my life and I told them all about that too!! And how I know God never abandoned me and how he gave me courage to share tonight and the truth I am learning about how much he loves me and how he choose me even knowing I would struggle with this. I mentioned getting support online from fellow SSA strugglers and how God used them to help me realize I am not a unique sinner beyond His love but just a sinner like everyone.

I then ended it saying I am sharing this because I want to be real for the first time in my life and hope to gain freedom by sharing. And that I would love to be able to count on them for support and prayers when I am feeling down. That I want to let them in and learn to love them better as Christ loves us and that I want to accept their love and not hide my struggles anymore.

Anyways to say there was a good reaction to my story would be an understatement! After I was done reading everyone just was sort of sitting in stunned silence for a few seconds. I saw several people where crying themselves at my story. Anyways then they all came over to me and hugged me one by one. Even the guys. I was afraid they would not do that once they knew but they hugged me longer then before they knew!! And it was so amazing and it was like God was hugging me when they all showed me Christ's love like that.

Needless to say the rest of the meeting was about me. So we all talked and they asked me questions and they told me they love me and it has no effect on how they feel about me. One person even cried and apologized to me for the way the church treats people with this struggle and how its not right. I was like wow its not your fault but I appreciated her doing that and caring so much!

And one of the guys was like I love you even more now that you were so vulnerable and shared your story. That was a pretty crazy thing to hear. I am sure I teared up yet again lol. In my story I had mentioned I had pretty much accepted that I wont be healed of this the way I hoped and the leader after told me not to give up hope and just getting this in the open is a huge thing and God rewards those who take risks. He agreed with me though that its likely I will of least struggle with temptations for it even if I do someday experience some healing much like an alcoholic still struggles with being tempted to alcohol.

They all said how brave I was to share this and how inspiring it was to see someone be so vulnerable and honest. The leader said this is what Christian community is all about and that I was an amazing example to others in the group about being real and honest and vulnerable. Was so funny to hear him say that since my whole life I have been the opposite of real. And now suddenly I was an example to others on how to be real! Wow how one night can change everything.

After all that they then all prayed for me and laid hands on me and just spoke Gods love to me and how I am not a mistake. It was very healing and amazing!

Later that night afterwards several of the people from my group texted me later and thanked me again for being so vulnerable and real and said how proud they were of me and how my story actually encouraged them! And how it showed them that maybe they have to be more honest with the group about their own struggles. It challenged them to be more vulnerable and real. I was like wow who knew my own story could affect others who have totally different struggles? I guess thats why God asks us to share and be real so we can encourage one another on our journeys. Glad I finally obeyed God and did what He wanted. It was the scariest night of my life but also among the best too as I felt Gods love for me through his people.

I admit that several times since sharing I have felt rather weird or exposed you could say knowing that a rather large group of people know about me now. But I think that's just Satan trying to make me feel shame again so I have been shaking it off. I know God is proud of me for sharing and it was the right thing to do! I am finally free with this group of people which feels amazing. No need to hide anymore they know all about me now and still love me not the same but MORE!! Satan had me convinced for so long they would judge and reject me. The truth was the opposite happened. He really is a master liar and deceiver. Thankful God broke through my shame and allowed me to see the truth!! And also amazed that my own story challenged and encouraged others who have totally different struggles.

So ya I dont know whats next but hopefully I become closer with them through this and learn to be honest when I am feeling down and get rid of the "everything is fine" mentality that I had for so long and just learn to be real. Its still a process as already at church when I saw them and they asked how I was I immediately went back to "Im fine" but I did manage to catch myself and said more after that. It does feel weird to be known struggles and all and I felt rather weird at church when I saw them wondering what they think about me. But those feelings passed quickly and so far its been great to be real. Will keep you all updated on things!AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-49639640740499646192011-03-29T10:53:00.003-04:002011-03-29T11:02:08.583-04:00Looking Back Moving ForwardWow guys I just realized a couple of days ago was the one year anniversary of my blog. The last year has been so incredible. I have had more growth this year then in many of the years before it combined. A year ago I was a lonely, confused, and hurting person filled with so much shame I could barely stand never mind move forward with my life. God found me at my weakest point and broke through my intense shame and low self worth to begin to show me His true love for me. He used many of you guys to help me more than you will ever know. Without your support, encouragement, prayers and advice I would still be in that place. I really do love you guys and thank you for responding to a hurting stranger with Christ's love.

I have poured out my soul on this blog and often the posts have been incredibly raw. Sometimes I want to go back and delete them after the fact but then decided to leave them up in case some day another hurting person finds them and they are a help in some way like others blogs have helped me so much.

In the last year I have grown so much. My confidence has grown. I actually go to social events and manage to enjoy them even though I am still quiet but even going is something I never used to do. I shared with a couple of family members about my struggles with SSA after much help and encouragement from several of you who kept pushing me and encouraging me and gave me tons of advice. My relationship with these family members is so much better now that I have shared this and we are more open and honest then ever before and it is so much deeper!

Then I joined a small group at church which is another thing that has always filled me with fear since I always assumed I would have to wear a mask and not share my real struggle. Still I went (after much encouragement from you all) and it has been so amazing for me. To see that these other Christians have very real struggles that they have to deal with has been such a help to me. They have hurts and pains just like me. It may be a different struggle but me having this does not make me worst then them. We all have something to deal with. Seeing them be so vulnerable and real has given me courage!

And moving forward there is another very HUGE thing happening in the near future. I am sharing with my small group about my struggles. The date is already set and I told the leader I want to share my whole story to the group so there is no backing out! I will be sharing next week and this is a pretty scary thing but something I know God wants for me. He has been with me every step of the way on this journey and He won't abandon me now. I know that I will get some freedom after sharing and can finally let them in to see the real me that I always have hidden both the good, and the hurt and pain, everything. Basically I will finally be showing my humanness and weakness and need for a savior and not be pretending I have no problems and "everything is fine". Its great to finally be joining the human race lol. :) Also me being vulnerable with this group will help me to get closer to them as well and show them I trust them. I am hoping it also gives others in the group courage to share struggles that they have and have been ashamed to share.

I will be sharing both my pain growing up with this struggle, my hurts, rejections, feelings of being "less than" other guys and wondering if God could even love me because of this. And also the incredible ways God is working in my life now and how he led me to a group of strangers with the same struggles who showed me the truth of Gods love and how he has used them to encourage and change me. I also will share about my renewed love and thankfulness to Him for how he rescued me from my prison of shame and lies that Satan had been convincing me where the truth about myself. I am going to share how I learned I am worth something to God and loved by Him how I am now. And that I know he won't abandon me on this journey as I move forward even though it will be hard and lonely at times.

Anyways a year ago I never would have dreamed I would be doing this. I never would have even considered going to a small group never minding sharing my biggest secret that has filled me with shame for most of my life! That just shows the power of Gods love and how he can change a scared and shame filled person into a brave person as for me this is a pretty brave thing to do! I know God is giving me the courage to do this as on my own I never would be able to.

Anyways the last year has been the most painful and also the best year of my life because it was the year God finally got through to me and showed me my worth as his Child. I am tearing up as I write this thinking about all I went through this year and how much courage it took and how out of character it was for me. God truly was with me all the way and gave me the courage to do it. Thank you so much those who have commented, emailed, chatted, messaged, talked, and become friends with me for the encouragement and support you have given me. I can never repay you for it.

Praying this year is even more amazing and filled with more growth for both me and you all too! A huge step will be happening next week for me so I have a feeling everything is going to be different pretty quick! I am going to get messy and show people the real me the hurts and pains and the good stuff too. :) I of course would appreciate prayers that it goes well when I share with my group.

Love you guys,

-AJAJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-86240354992771825472011-03-11T09:25:00.001-05:002011-03-11T09:30:17.939-05:00Pray the Gay Away?Earlier in the week the documentary "Pray the Gay away?" hosted by Lisa Ling aired on Oprah's network OWN. Its worth watching and gives all sides to the debate on whether its possible to be Christian and gay. I feel overall it was pretty fair in its handling of exodus and those who choose not to act on their attractions. I was afraid it would be edited in a negative light and look down on those who choose not to embrace the gay lifestyle despite their attractions. Worth watching if for no other reason then to see what its like when one struggles with this and the way it makes you question your faith at times and look for answers.

The episode is now online at Oprah.com! Here is the link to watch the full episode: Pray the Gay Away? Full Episode

Also after this episode aired they had a special with host Gayle King where she interviewed Lisa Ling and got updates from many of the people that appeared in her documentary "Pray the Gay Away?"

Here is the link to watch the special that featured discussions on the documentary "Pray the Gay Away?" and updates from people who were interviewed in it: Pray the Gay Away? The Conversation Continues...AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-34633917557569508902011-03-03T15:44:00.009-05:002011-03-03T16:21:08.108-05:00Wandering Thoughts for March 3rdSome random thoughts and links for you all!

-First a surprising editorial on the front page of CNN today titled "My Take: The Bible really does condemn homosexuality". Not something I expected to see on the front page of CNN. It is in response to this article that was posted on CNN.com last week: "My Take: The Bible's surprisingly mixed messages on sexuality"

-There is going to be an interesting episode of "Our America With Lisa Ling" on the Oprah Network OWN airing next week. The title of the episode is "Pray the Gay Away?" Here is the episode Synopsis: "Can prayer make you straight?" Host Lisa Ling explores that notion as she observes some 1100 participants at a Freedom Conference sponsored by the evangelical organization Exodus International, which offers advice on combating same-sex attractions. "I have chosen to live my life through the filter of my faith," says Exodus president Alan Chambers, "not through the filter of my sexuality."

The episode airs Tuesday March 8th at 10pm on OWN. Not sure if I get that channel but if not I hope I can watch it online after. I hope that this documentary is edited and presented in a fair and respectful way for those who chose to share their stories at last years Exodus conference.

-Here are a couple of blog posts I want to recommend! :)

1.First this post titled Drowning, Comatose, & Heart Surgery (part 3) is really great and discusses what hiding our struggle and being in a sort of loveless numb state is like perfectly. I so related with his description and am looking forward to more freedom as I share my story with others hopefully soon. Looking forward to reading part 4! :)

2.Love the song "God is not a white man" by Gungor so wanted to link to gaypks blog since he posted the video to it recently! :) Check the song out there if you have not seen the video! Its cool! Here is the link: http://calledtobegay.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/god-loves-lesbians/

3.Am glad to see Jay posting again!! :) http://thenextadventures.blogspot.com/ His blog was one of the first blogs I found that was about SSA so always great to hear his thoughts.

4.This is a new blog I just started reading in the last couple of weeks. The author is currently sharing his testimony and struggles with SSA in a very honest way. His love for God through all his struggles is so evident and so inspiring! Check it out! http://intheaftermath.xanga.com/

-And finally an update about me lol. I still have not shared with my small group about my struggles with SSA. I am determined to though just have not found the right opportunity yet. The group is great for me though and I feel I am starting to get a bit closer to them which is great news! Please keep praying for me that I will find the right time to share and have courage to do so if you could!

Ok thats it for now. See you next time!

-AJAJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-29706142919247158012011-02-24T16:00:00.001-05:002011-02-24T19:59:45.433-05:00Blessings"God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:12)

I found it interesting how this verse says God will bless those who endure testing and temptations. Just trying to endure and get through each day is sure something those of us who struggle with SSA do alot of but at times we still dont feel blessed. I think that part of the blessing may be in ways we dont expect. Like maybe us realizing how weak and sinful we are as humans every day and that without God who knows where we would be. To wake up every morning and be re-reminded how much we need Jesus is pretty cool even though we are reminded of it by our own sins and desires.

God is very good to us and will provide other blessings on top of that but its just something that came to mind as I read this verse. And of course the greatest blessing comes "Afterward" like it says in this verse when we receive the crown of life. Even if we receive no more blessings in life than that it will be worth it to endure whatever trial you face. But there will be other blessings cuz thats the way God is! :) For one we dont have to endure it alone any longer like many of us have for so long! We have each other to lean on for prayers and support! See another blessing already! :)AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-27668630274383631832011-02-18T10:45:00.005-05:002011-02-18T10:58:30.799-05:00Your Pain versus The PainWow still reading Henri Nouwen's book "The Inner Voice of Love" every so often. I just read an amazing chapter on pain that put things into perspective for me. Sure I struggle with the pain of this struggle with SSA and the loneliness it brings at times but that pain is just a part of the human condition we all share. I may wish often I did not struggle with this but if I did not struggle with SSA it would be something else. We can not avoid the pain as its part of our fallen human condition. Here is an excerpt of this chapter that I typed out for you all to read because I really got alot out of it! :)

"You will deceive yourself into believing that if the people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist. This might be partly true, but the deeper truth is that the situation which brought about your pain was simply the form in which you came in touch with the human condition of suffering. Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity. Paradoxically, therefore, healing means moving from your pain to the pain. When you keep focusing on the specific circumstances of your pain, you easily become angry, resentful, and even vindictive....But real healing comes from realizing that your own particular pain is a share in humanity's pain...Jesus' suffering, concrete as it was, was the suffering of all humanity. His pain was the pain.

Every time you can shift your attention away from the external situation that caused your pain and focus on the pain of humanity in which you participate, your suffering becomes easier to bear. It becomes a "light burden" and an "easy yoke" (Mat 11:30) Once you discover that you are called to live in solidarity with the hungry, the homeless, the prisoners, the refugees, the sick, the dying, your very personal pain begins to be converted into the pain and you will find new strength to live it. Herein lies the hope of all Christians."

-Henri Nouwen, ("The Inner Voice of Love" Pages 103-104)

AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-1161072030893676452011-01-29T08:47:00.004-05:002011-01-29T09:29:49.556-05:00You are MoreI really like the message of this song so wanted to share it! Really great video too. Love how it shows many of the struggles that we face as christians on the blackboard and how it slowly is washed clean because we are remade! By the end of the video the blackboard is washed completely clean because that is how God sees us as pure and holy because of his Sons sacrifice for us! This song goes great with Colossians 1:21-22.

"This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. 22 Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault."

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You are More
By: Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says how did I get here
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love

But don't you know who you are
What has been done for you
Yeah don't you know who you are
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's to weak to try

But don't you know who you are
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you new

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-43815110640569107002011-01-17T11:11:00.008-05:002011-01-17T15:40:14.481-05:00Wandering Thoughts for January 17, 2011Just some updates about my life and some other things and thoughts I want to share!

-I am really struggling with porn again of late. I was doing really good for awhile but fell last week and now am struggling to get out of this cycle again. Here is something I wrote to my accountability partner the other day about my recent struggles.:

"The worst part was that I fell twice. Satan really got me good as after I fell I was like oh well thats over with I fell but now its out of my system. So I figured I would be fine the rest of the night. Well then a few hours later around midnight these thoughts came in my mind (probably from Satan or something) that I already fell once today and since I am going to have to confess it tomorrow why not do it again and enjoy it while you can. So then my lust took over again and sadly I gave into that lie and fell again."

Yup Satan is pretty good at lying to us and my sinful nature is pretty good at just believing it at times sadly. Today is a new day though and I am thankful for God's forgiveness and another chance. Could use prayers about this!

-Here is a really good article called "At the Intersection of Religious and Sexual Identities: A Christian Perspective on Homosexuality" by Dr. Mark Yarhouse that I found out about on a friends blog. I just wanted to post about it here too for my own records and because I thought it was a great article and want others to see it! Dr. Yarhouse has done alot of research on this and this article is very in depth. It explains the struggles Christians with SSA have and how its not a choice to have the feelings but it is to act on it. He also discusses so called "change" therapy and how overall its not all that successful although for some it has helped.

Here is part of the conclusion at the end of this very long article:
"By closing this paper on a discussion of singleness, I do not want to suggest that Christians who experience same-sex attraction cannot experience some reduction in it over time, as that has been reported by some who have had that as their goal. Some find that they are able to marry heterosexually. However, the church would do well to expand the vision of the Christian who is navigating sexual identity issues beyond the expectation of complete heterosexuality or the expectation of heterosexual marriage, even if a modest number of believers do experience a more significant shift. Many others will not experience the same degree of shift, and a Christian's measure of spiritual depth and maturity does not hinge on the eradication of same-sex attraction or an increase in attraction to the opposite sex."

Check out the whole article though as its REALLY long.

-I still have been going to my small group. I am still thinking about maybe sharing my struggle but not sure when the right time would be. I am thinking I probably should get to know them all better but its hard with there being 12 or so people. I have to admit last meeting I did not say to much. I have to really put an effort to say more this week and be more open as that is my new years resolution to be more open and vulnerable with others! If I dont make an effort my natural tendency is to just close up and not say much figuring people don't really care whats on my mind.

-A reader of my blog emailed me a link to the Philip Yancey Talk from the 2011 GCN conference that he recorded! I thought it was a good speech overall and I am glad I got to listen to it. Gave me alot to think about.

Wanted to close with a few verses that I read the other day that have been really speaking to me:

" 8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"

2 Corinthians 4:8-10, 16-17 (NLT)

Ok thats it for now. Wow this post turned out pretty long after all.

-AJAJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-31622364084964722032011-01-08T22:52:00.000-05:002011-01-08T22:53:44.336-05:00The real problem of the Christian life...Read this today and it is so true so wanted to share!

"The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussing and frettings; coming in out of the wind."

C.S. Lewis
AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-20206572005397111672011-01-04T10:04:00.013-05:002011-01-04T10:50:08.604-05:00Philip Yancey's views on the issue of HomosexualityI recently read on a friends blog that Philip Yancey will be the keynote speaker at this years Gay Christian conference. There is alot of controversy about this since some say he is endorsing the homosexual lifestyle by speaking there and others say he is to conservative to be speaking there.

He has mentioned the topic in a few of the books I have read (see this past blog post of mine for one such reference from his book Disappointment with God) But I wanted to find out more about his beliefs rather then a few sentences here or there.

He is one of my favorite Christian writers so I decided to search to see if I could find more about what his beliefs are about the issue of Homosexuality. Well I searched and was very lucky and happy to see he has a whole page on his website talking about his beliefs on this issue where he answers several questions on his thoughts about homosexuality and the christian that people have sent him.

I think overall he has a very balanced view. He is careful not to outright say what he thinks about christians in homosexual relationships since he says he has found once its out there people wont listen to you who dont agree with you on either side.

"It would be more accurate to say that I intentionally don't take sides on this issue. I've observed that as soon as a person does take sides, communication ends. I hear from gay Christians who are very disappointed that I don't condone their point of view, and I hear from traditional Christians who are very disappointed that I don't condemn homosexual behavior. As long as I get angry letters from both sides, I feel better.

Do I agree with gay Christians' interpretations of the six passages in the Bible that may or may not relate to their behavior? No. They may be right, but so far I'm unconvinced. I also disapprove of sexual promiscuity, whether of the hetero- or homo- variety.

Nevertheless, I start with what I'm sure of: my attitude toward homosexuals. It seems to me that's the clearest message we have. And the atmosphere of judgment and condemnation is so strong that I feel no need to represent a balanced viewpoint myself. So I don't take an official position. I simply try to love the gay individuals I know, and bring a little grace and mercy to a church that puts this particular sin—if indeed it is that—in a special category. I'd rather maintain contact with "gay Christians," who are so isolated, and also conservative Christians, who often have little understanding of the issue."

Also he says while he has been to gay churches and found really committed christians at some of them he does not think its a good idea to build a church around this one issue and be isolated from the rest of the body of Christ.

I really liked this quote
"On an issue like this, I try to start with what I'm absolutely sure of, and work outwards. I'm sure of what my own attitude should be toward gays and lesbians: I should show love and grace. As one person told me, "Christians get very angry toward other Christians who sin differently than they do." When people ask me how I can possibly stay friends with a sinner like Mel, I respond by asking how Mel can possibly stay friends with a sinner like me. After all, Jesus had much to say about greed, hypocrisy, pride and lust—sins I struggle with—but did not mention homosexuality. Even if I conclude that all homosexual behavior is wrong, as many conservative Christians do, I'm still compelled to respond with love.

Do I believe that gay people can be committed Christians? Absolutely. I know far too many of them to doubt that. I also believe that alcoholics and prideful hypocrites can be committed Christians. In short, sinners can, and I've stepped back from ranking other people's sins. It may be helpful for us to think through our relationships with divorced people. Do I feel awkward? Do I avoid talking about their current partner, or former life? Or I think of my greedy friends, or gluttonous friends. How do I handle their weaknesses?"

Here is the link to the page talking about the issue of homosexuality on his web site: http://www.philipyancey.com/q-and-a-topics/homosexuality He has alot of interesting things to say about this subject so check it out!

I am interested in hearing what his speech will be like at the Gay Christian conference later this week. Hopefully they will post a transcript or a video of it somewhere.

What do you think? Do you agree with his beliefs on this subject? Do you think its a good idea for him to speak at this conference?AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-62394442775208347492010-12-23T19:12:00.007-05:002010-12-23T19:44:33.672-05:00Merry ChristmasSince there are only two days until Christmas I just wanted to do a quick blog post to wish you all a Merry Christmas! Hope you all get to spend some time with family and friends this Christmas. Don't forget that even though our burden may seem heavy at times and our struggle seems never ending that God loves us so much that he saw fit to send his son to this crazy, cruel, sinful world to be the savior of us all. He came for you and for me and He loves us more then we can ever imagine.

I want to thank you guys again for caring and taking the time to read my thoughts here and praying for me and giving me advice. God really used you guys to help me change so many things in my life. I am really looking forward to seeing what 2011 has in store for me and you all as well. I still have a loooong way to go in many areas but I am thankful for the progress I have made and for God never abandoning me along the way.

A Christmas song for you all!

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Love you all and hope you have a great Christmas!

-AJAJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-14999154489833277712010-12-15T17:06:00.001-05:002010-12-15T17:10:54.606-05:00Dare to LoveHey all its been awhile again! Just want to post an update if you care to read. First of all I have good news. I did indeed start going to a small group at my church! Last night was my second small group meeting. It has been really amazing. I have never really been in a small group since I was always afraid they would find out about my SSA. Anyways they really share ALOT in this group and are incredibly vulnerable to one another. Its really good for me to hear that other Christians have struggles too. Not that I did not already know that but seeing it and hearing the struggles first hand is just something I needed I guess. They have struggles but still love eachother and pray for one another and support one another. I already know and feel that at some point I will share my struggle with SSA with them. Probably not for awhile but I think I will someday. Its funny last nights meeting the topic was sharing your "impossible" prayer request. So we talked about that for awhile then went around the room and shared our impossible request. Some shared about unsaved loved ones, or family with cancer etc... Others shared personal things they struggle with. Anyways as they were going around the room I was terrified and like no way am I ready to share my "impossible" request. But I did come up with another thing that has always seemed impossible too. I asked them to pray that I feel safe to share about struggles and that I can open up more with them. I explained how I have many walls around myself and I really want to be more open with people in my life. Anyways they then of course pressed me further and we talked for a little while. They asked if it would be easier for me since I am quiet if they made it a point to ask me how I am doing in the group meetings and I said sure that would be great.

I am really happy and thankful to God that he gave me the courage to join this small group. I am finally learning what real Christian fellowship is and its a pretty amazing thing. They share their burdens and struggles with eachother and support eachother just like it says to do in the Bible. I am looking forward to the meetings every week now and I think 2011 could be an amazing year for me where I will finally let people in to see the real me. By real me I am not talking about SSA I just mean me in general. Like I said I may not share the SSA stuff for a long time but I mean I hope to let them see the real me that I show on this blog who I have always been hiding because of fear and shame.

Its been an amazing experience so far and its only been a couple of weeks. Thanks for all your prayers as you all really gave me the strength, encouragement, and self-esteem to do this. Can't wait to see what God has in store for me next! :)

I want to end this post with a quote from "The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom" by Henri Nouwen. This book has had a real impact on me. Its such a short book but so deep I have been reading and re-reading parts of it very very slow.I dont think its a coincidence that I read this part of the book for the first time just as I was joining the small group! Here it is:

"Friendship has been a source of great pain for you. You desired it so much that you often lost yourself in the search for a true friend. Many times you became desperate when a friendship you hoped for didn't materialize, or when a friendship begun with great expectations did not last....But now you must seek friends to whom you can relate from your center, from the place where you know you are deeply loved. Friendship becomes more and more possible when you accept yourself as deeply loved. Then you can be with others in a non-possessive way....Dare to love and to be a real friend. The love you give and receive is a reality that will lead you closer and closer to God as well as to those who God has given you to love."(pages 80-81)

Anyways this chapter really encouraged me to take a step out and trust God and dare to reach out and love and be vulnerable with others. But even more it made me realize I have to love myself first. After all if God loves me even though I sin and fail so often then surely I can love myself too and realize I am worth having as a friend. God is slowly helping me to do just that! I think I have taken a good first step in this journey to be more real with others and I pray God gives me the courage to continue to do so more and more!AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-29915899540684486072010-11-29T00:08:00.001-05:002010-11-29T00:12:31.513-05:00Update TimeWell I promised an update so here is one! :) I realize I have not been blogging as much. Its because alot has been going in in my life. Basically after this post a couple of months ago (Hope?) I decided to really try to change my perceptions and the way I look at things and look at myself. This was thanks in large part to the encouragement and advice you guys gave me which I am very thankful for. So I have been trying my best to reach out and be myself for a change around other Christians. Almost every weekend I have been doing stuff whether game nights, bowling, dinners, or Halloween parties. This has all been in an effort to try and get to know some people better and hopefully let them know me. I admit I still am a very shy guy and after years of hiding so no one could know the "real" me it is only natural that this will take some time for me to get used to this idea of opening up and allowing intimacy. Its at times hard not to lose patience with myself but I am going to keep trying. I have a weird fear of intimacy but also a craving for intimacy. Both sides of me battle it out and I end up just being awkward in social situations. Of course I am introverted by nature so I dont think I will ever be talking non stop or anything like that. But I am a GREAT listener and I know more about whats going on in a group then anyone lol. So I think if I can use my gifts of encouraging and listening people will maybe relate more to me and want to talk. I have not been completely successful yet but I am slowly improving and trying. Anyways everyone has been really nice and goes out of their way to like cheer me on when we went bowling or to try to get me to say more lol :). I feel good when I am around them so I hope I can continue to try and open up more. I just hope they dont see my quietness as me not wanting close relationships as nothing could be further from the truth.

The key for me is to not always judge myself at the end of the night. I always have a tendency to be like well tonight was a failure since you did not come home with 5 new best friends. Or I am depressed I still am not really close to them. But this takes time even more so with me because of my awkwardness and shyness. So I am really trying not to judge myself and am learning to dismiss the negative thoughts I have about myself as not being good enough for them to want me as a friend.

I have some more pretty exciting news. Well when I went bowling it was not just a random group but it was with a small group at church I am thinking about joining! It was a thing they had planned and they said I could come as a way for me to get to know them a little better. I have been nervous it would not work out and I would not be allowed to join since everything has to be approved. But the leader told me he talked to the church and its all set and I can come anytime. After hearing that I was filled with excitement, thankfulness, and FEAR. Now I have no excuses. I have a small group I am signed up with, they seem to like me, I liked them, so ya why am I afraid? Well its the whole intimacy thing again. I have been hiding from things like this my whole life it seems so people would not find out about my SSA. So if you want to pray for me I would sooo appreciate prayers that I have the courage to actually go now that its all setup.

I know for other people this is no big deal at all to join a small group but for me it is a big deal. It would be really good for me I think. And I could hopefully get to know them better and they get to know me. I admit my biggest fear is still my SSA thing as when people share about their struggles I dont want to act like I have no struggles and am fine when this is not the truth at all.That is what I have done my whole life and it sucks being fake. Yet I would have to really trust someone before telling them of my struggles so it will take time. The question is what do I tell them in the meantime when they are sharing struggles and prayer requests? Still thinking about that. I feel at some point if/when I do go and keep going and like everyone and it feels safe I will probably have to tell them about it. But that is something I am trying to get out of my head since its not something that has to be done anytime soon and its probably Satan putting that thought in my head to further try and discourage me and dissuade me from even going. In the past he has had great success at that but I think I am sick of him and his lies finally. Thank God for that.

So ya there is alot going on. Prayers are greatly appreciated. Very excited, nervous, anxious, and thankful for everything that is going on in my life. God is so patient with me its just amazing to me how all this is happening.

The question is will I go this week? Next Week? hmmm.

Stay tuned...AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-46320886511773056442010-11-24T17:08:00.003-05:002010-11-24T17:14:45.152-05:00ThankfulSome things I am thankful for on this Thanksgiving eve:

-Thankful for you all, my brothers and sisters in Christ, who may or may not struggle with the same things I do but all know what it is like to struggle against sin.

-Thankful to God for doing so much in my life since Thanksgiving of last year! I never would have imagined then that I would have a blog where I talk about my struggles with SSA and my life. Or that I would tell my brother of my struggles and that he would respond with love and compassion.

-Thankful for the support and prayers I have received from you all. Some of you have really changed my life with your encouragement, friendship, and advice and I thank you so much and it means more to me than you will ever know.

-Thankful for having a great family that loves me and showed me Gods love for me from a young age.

-I am thankful for finally realizing over the last months that I am not some sort of different class of sinner for having this struggle but just a sinner like anyone else who struggles and needs a savior.

-I am thankful that my shame has lessened so much since actually talking about my struggles instead of keeping it all inside like I used to.

-Thankful that God loves me more than I could ever know and wants what is best for me even if its painful for me in the short term.

-Thankful I am finally starting to get out more from time to time and hang out with other Christians. Sure I am still as awkward and shy as ever but hopefully friendships will form at some point if I keep trying and trusting God and refrain from judging or looking down on myself when things don't happen as quickly as I wish they would.

-Thankful for God not giving up on me even when I had given up on myself many times over. He has never abandoned me and loves me and every day He shows me more how much thats true.

-I am thankful to be alive!!

Love you all and hope you have a good Thanksgiving Thursday (whether you celebrate it or not) and realize we have much to be thankful for.

 19 How abundant are the good things
 that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
 on those who take refuge in you.

20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
 from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
 from accusing tongues.

 21 Praise be to the LORD,
 for he showed me the wonders of his love
 when I was in a city under siege.

22 In my alarm I said,
 "I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
 when I called to you for help.

 23 Love the LORD, all his faithful people!
 The LORD preserves those who are true to him,
 but the proud he pays back in full.

24 Be strong and take heart,
 all you who hope in the LORD.

-Psalm 31:19-24 (NIV)

-AJAJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-44596208412928248152010-10-28T20:28:00.008-04:002010-10-28T23:31:28.643-04:00Celibacy...A Gift?
"But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. But God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness." (1 Corinthians 7:7)

A friend recently posted this really good sermon about celibacy on a board I frequent. Here is the link to listen to it: http://www.churchrez.org/sermon/imitating-christ-in-celibacy/

It gave me alot to think about. I have always wondered how celibacy could be a gift since it seems so hard and the loneliness at times is so great. What kind of gift would make someone seemingly suffer and feel loneliness was my thought? I have always had the attitude that if its a gift I want to find the receipt so I can return it and get the gift I want instead lol :).

My biggest fear of living a celibate life is loneliness more than any thing else. To not have someone waiting for you after a long hard day of work, or to love you no matter what. The sexual aspect other than failing to M and P at times has not been as hard for me. Of course I have to continue to try and improve those areas with God's help but God has been really helping me lately especially on the P front. So its not the sex but the loneliness that makes the prospect of lifelong celibacy hard for me to accept at times.

Ok I got kind of side tracked for a bit. Back to celibacy and the church. It just has seemed to me that in the church today the single people are sort of swept to the side and sort of ignored while family and the joys of marriage are heavily emphasized, and are center stage. Sure there may be a singles group but even then its just other singles as if the rest of the church does not want to catch the disease of singleness or something. Instead of celibacy being celebrated as something equally as good as marriage many people in church look down on you like your strange, abnormal, or there is something wrong with you for not being married or having a family. Of least that has been my experience.

I have always had trouble seeing it as a gift and something as good as marriage. I guess its because I am lonely alot of the time and don't have a strong community like one needs to live a celibate life. But also because I guess I still hope for marriage to a woman even though its not likely because of my attractions. But this sermon really stressed how lost the church would be without its celibate members. They do so much of the work and devote alot of their life to the church. They dont have families of their own so they are able to go on missions trips easier to the far corners of the world. They have more time to pray, more time to serve, and more time to be there for others in need. They also have more time to get to know and love God one on one! I admit I have not been doing a good job at many of these things at all. I have not been making good use of my celibacy.

I think I have often treated marriage as an idol. I see others who are married and so happy and in love and are blessed with a loving family and I just dream of being them. I have always had a false view that if I could just be married then everything would be happy and care free. That I would then never be alone and always have someone to love. But I have to realize that there is great difficulty in marriage too its just you don't see it from the outside sometimes. I mean most of my relatives have been divorced and are on their second marriage so I guess being married is just as tough as being celibate just in different ways maybe?

Even Jesus says that its better for some not to marry:

10 Jesus' disciples then said to him, "If this is the case, it is better not to marry!"

11 "Not everyone can accept this statement," Jesus said. "Only those whom God helps. 12 Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can." (Matthew 19:10-12)

I guess while I have been living the celibate life, I have not been embracing it and have been wanting healing from my SSA so I can be married to a woman. I have been treating celibacy almost as a curse instead of a gift. I have been resenting this gift. This sermon really made me think about alot of things. I really liked how the pastor said that celibates remind the church of the not yet and the unfulfilled promises and marriage reminds the church of filled promises and the now. And how the church needs both to support each other and be reminders of both Gods faithful promises today and the promises that wont happen until we get to heaven when the church is married to God instead of to one another. I still think that overall the church does not do a good job treating both celibacy and marriage as equally good and the church seems to really push marriage from my experience anyways. But I guess that no church is perfect since it is filled with humans.

Anyways this sermon was really good and gave me so much to think about. If you are like me and have been resenting the gift of celibacy then consider listening to this sermon as it really opened my eyes to alot of things. While I still hope for the gift of marriage I have decided I am going to try to embrace the gift of celibacy whether for a season or for my life and realize that yes it really is a gift that the Lord has seen fit to give me so I better use this gift to honor Him and not resent or reject it. Maybe it means He just wants to have me all to Himself with no marraige to get in the way? Who am I to refuse a gift like that from my Lord??

Lord help me to accept my celibacy as a gift from You. Help me to learn how to use my singleness to serve others and not as an excuse to feel jealousy, resentment, and unhappiness. If you do still have a plan for me to one day be married despite all the obstacles I face help me to not reject that gift either. If I am not to be married or in the meantime before marriage help me to find the community I need to fill my loneliness and to treat this as a gift to be cherished and used for Your glory and not as something that I should want to return! Help me grow and to be able to truthfully accept this as a gift and to be able to thank you for this gift and really mean it. Please forgive me for so often resenting this gift. I love you Father.AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-5809661454817983112010-10-15T17:12:00.006-04:002010-10-17T09:05:01.886-04:00Washed and Waiting Review"Washed and waiting. That is my life- my identity as one who is forgiven and spiritually cleansed and my struggle as one who perseveres with a frustrating thorn in the flesh, looking forward to what God has promised to do. That is what this book is all about."

Just finished reading "Washed and Waiting:Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality" by Wesley Hill. It was an incredible read! He put into words so much of what I feel but have never been able to explain. I encourage anyone who struggles with same sex attractions to read it! Also would be a great book for pastors, friends, and family of those who struggle with homosexuality to read as it really does a great job showing what its like for those who struggle with this. The book is sobering and brutally honest at times about this struggle and the hopes for healing but I found overall I came away encouraged and challenged like never before to realize how much God loves me even if I never experience healing in this life.

Of the three books I have read so far on homosexuality this one was by far the best! The other two I have read "Desires in Conflict" by Joe Dallas and "The Broken Image" by Leanne Payne focused alot on the possible origins of my SSA and on how to go about "healing" or "changing" myself. After reading those books I found I came away even more anxious and worried then before I read them wondering how I was ever going to be able to "change" myself and my attractions. This book does not focus on that at all. Instead it basically says if your attractions never change what then? In a way it sort of reminded me of this amazing post on Karen's blog "Pursue God" from last year.

A huge part of this book is about the loneliness we face as christians who struggle with homosexual desires and so choose to be celibate. Hill described this loneliness so perfectly. Of wanting to fit in with the happy christian couples at church but often feeling like an outsider. Of never really feeling like you belong anywhere: "no relationship seems to satisfy this yawning hunger to be known, to be loved, to be inside some nameless space that remains frustratingly, confusingly, closed." Still he says its better to try and form relationships with people at church then to live hidden your whole life: "We're better off for all that we let in- including all the pain we let into our lives when we open our souls to the fellowship of the church. That pain is better than the pain of isolation." Its something I have to and want to improve on for sure. Anyways this book definitely does not sugar coat the loneliness that a christian with SSA struggles with. It was painful for me to read at times as these thoughts on loneliness I have often deeply felt and thought but never been able to verbalize.

The book then goes on to encourage about Gods love while being realistic about the struggles and loneliness we face as gay christians and gives examples of other gay christians who have been celibate in order to honor God. Its not a long read at all at 150 pages and is only three chapters long with two other mini chapters about famous christians who struggled with SSA. One on the famous christian writer Henri Nouwen and another mini chapter on poet and priest Gerard Manley Hopkins.

Anyways I was really encouraged after reading this book. I was challenged to change my thinking on a lot of the ways I view myself as not pleasing to God because of my attractions and struggles with SSA. The challenge I have is the same as Wesley Hills to learn that:

"The Bible calls the Christian struggle against sin faith (Heb 12:3-4; 10:37-39). It calls the Christian fight against impure cravings holiness (Rom 6:12-13, 22). So I am trying to appropriate these biblical descriptions for myself. I am learning to look at my daily wrestling with disordered desires and call it trust. I am learning to look at my battle to keep from giving in to my temptations and call it sanctification. I am learning to see that my flawed, imperfect, yet never-giving-up faithfulness is precisely the spiritual fruit that God will praise me for on the last day, to the ultimate honor of Jesus Christ.

and that:

"The gospel tells us that our obedience matters to God, that he takes note of it. He sees our struggle to live faithfully with same sex attractions. He helps us with grace through his Son and Spirit. He values our perseverance."

It wont be an easy walk and I will face much loneliness and misunderstanding, but God will be there for me and like a father he is proud of my victories and will lift me from the dust after my stumbles. Do I still hope for healing? Of course! But this book has really taught me to leave it in Gods hands rather than try to force healing myself.

The book closes with a powerful afterword by Kathryn Greene-Mccreight challenging the church to better love and realize the struggles and loneliness of its gay members. Here is a part of it:

Do we (heterosexual Christians) simply cast our glances aside from our brothers and sisters who struggle with homosexual desires? Can we continue to ignore the isolation these brothers and sisters experience within the body of Christ? Are we afraid to hear about the same-sex desire of brothers or sisters for whom Jesus Christ died, even when they choose the narrow path of celibacy, despite the attendant trials of loneliness and solitude. "The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I have no need of you,' nor again the head to the feet, 'I have no need of you.' ...If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it." (I Cor 12:21, 26-27) We who are the body of Christ must show love, joy, hope, and fellowship of the gospel to all who are part of the body."

Anyways to sum it up I highly recommend this book if you are a Christian who struggles with same sex attractions, know someone who struggles with this, or want to have a better understanding of what its like to be a christian and struggle with SSA.AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-42590751257666878262010-10-14T19:27:00.001-04:002010-10-14T19:28:54.601-04:00We will never walk alone againI purchased the new Jars of Clay cd last week and I really like it. The theme of the album is Christian community and how important it is in our walks. Anyways loved this song especially so figured I would share! :)

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Small Rebellions
by: Jars of Clay
God of the break and shatter
Hearts in every form still matter
In our weakness help us see
That alone we'll never be
Lifting any burdens off our shoulders

If our days could be filled with small rebellion
Senseless brutal acts of kindness from us all
If we stand between the fear and firm foundation
Push against the current and the fall
The current and the fall

God of the worn and tattered
All of the your people matter
Give us more than words to speak
Cuz we are hearts and arms that reach
And love climbs up and down the human ladder

If our days could be filled with small rebellion
Senseless brutal acts of kindness from us all
If we stand between the fear and firm foundation
Push against the current and the fall
The current and the fall
Fall

We will never walk alone again
No, we will never walk alone again
No, we will never walk alone again

Give us days to be filled with small rebellion
Senseless brutal acts of kindness from us all
If we stand between the fear and firm foundation
Push against the current and the fall

Give us days to be filled with small rebellion
Senseless brutal acts of kindness from us all
If we stand between the fear and firm foundation
Push against the current and the fall
The current and the fall
The fall
AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-44455472770407558842010-10-04T17:56:00.007-04:002010-10-04T18:10:55.480-04:00Wandering Thoughts for October 4A few wanderings and small things that dont warrant a whole post for each.

-First of all I ordered "Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality" by Wesley Hill last week! It arrived on Friday. I have not had time to read it but have heard great things and I am really looking forward to reading it. If you have never read this amazing article he wrote on Ransom Fellowship titled "A Few Like You": Will the Church be the Church for Homosexual Christians? check it out and maybe you will see why I am excited to read his new book! I will let you know how I liked the book when I finish it.

-I read a really good article by Albert Mohler today titled: Between the Boy and the Bridge — A Haunting Question about all the recent suicides of young men who struggle with homosexuality. It really challenges the church to get involved in the lives of young people struggling with this.

-Had a great weekend and enjoyed church. Went to a cookout with people from church and got to know some people a bit of least. I admit I was still very reserved but of least I went and did talk to some people! :) Also I had a long talk with my brother and he really is encouraging me to join a small group at church. I probably am going to finally do it soon. I know, I know I have said I would before but I think this time I really will. He thinks, and I agree, that it just would be alot easier for me to get to know people and get closer with people in a small group environment like that compared to everyone rushing home after church on a Sunday morning. So I hope I can take this leap of faith as its a big step for me to be vulnerable like that.

-Anyways just overall I have been feeling so much more positive about things lately and feel like my life is starting to improve. I feel like God is really working in my life and I am very slowly starting to open up a bit more to others. I still have a very long way to go but its a start of least. I thank you all for your prayers and encouragement please feel free to continue to pray as it is greatly appreciated!

Here are a couple verses from Psalm 34 I wanted to share that really encouraged me to keep trusting the Lord:

Psalm 34:8

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
 blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
 and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-39488084479451214932010-09-30T16:44:00.021-04:002010-10-01T11:18:09.255-04:00Why are humans so cruel?Ugh why are humans so cruel? Was just reading about this heartbreaking story on the front page of CNN about Tyler Clementi a freshman in college whose roommate secretly taped him making out with another guy and posted it on the internet as some kind of cruel joke for his friends to see. A couple of days later Tyler sadly committed suicide. This just breaks my heart. He apparently was still pretty much in the closet about his sexual attractions so I cant even imagine what it must have been like for him to endure this viscious and hateful invasion of privacy and have his deepest secret be made into some kind of joke by these cruel students in this manner. The insane pain and sense of being violated must have been immense and ultimately unbearable. This kid had his whole life in front of him and was an accomplished musician. I am just so sad about this whole thing. Its a tragedy that never should have happened if these college students who did this to him just thought for one second what they were doing and how it would affect another human being.

Lord have mercy on mankind for the way we treat one another. :(

Update: Just read this new article on CNN about Tyler's life. Sounds like he was a great kid with a promising future. Went to church every week and played his violin for the church services and he never told anyone in high school of his sexual orientation. Just never dated girls or guys. Basically except for the violin part he could have been me in High School. I think thats why this story is affecting me so much. Please keep his family in your prayers as I can not even imagine how devastated they must be.AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-56115727761644012452010-09-27T20:13:00.004-04:002010-09-27T20:35:01.431-04:00Right in Front of MeThis song by Josh Wilson popped up on my pandora radio mix today and it just really caught my attention. Before I knew it I had purchased the CD on Amazon (It didnt hurt that it was on sale for only $4.98!) Anyways really powerful lyrics about wanting a miracle and evidence of God but realizing the evidence is all around us. It just really spoke to me so I wanted to share it. Alot of these lyrics would be a good summary of my life. Wanting a miracle and to be healed of my SSA thinking it would help me fully trust God. Yet at the same time why should I need something like that to trust Him when He has done so much already?? Just the fact I wake up in the morning and the sun rises and sets is a miracle!! Why should God have to prove himself to me when He already has given me and continues to give me so much??

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Right in Front of Me
by: Josh Wilson

Some say we've all been searching for a God for years in vain
And some say belief is just the easy way around our pain
And sometimes I'd like to agree when they're telling me that this is all an accident
Cause it's hard to let this heart believe when my mind is screaming out I need more evidence

But do I really need more evidence?

I want a miracle, something impossible
So would you help me to believe
When You say everything that's right in front of me
Is all the proof I'll ever need

I hear it in the winter wind that blows the icy snow against my skin
And I see it in that summer sun that rises high and then burns out again
And I feel it in my chest in the quiet moments that I trust in what You say

Would you help me trust in what You say?

Maybe this is what it means to question You and still believe
To search and still be satisfied, to know and yet to wonder why
To put my faith in things I doubt, to love what I can't figure out
Maybe this is what it means

To want a miracle, something impossible
But have the faith to still believe
When You say everything that's right in front of me
Is all the proof I'll ever need
Don't need a miracle, something impossible
That makes You easy to believe
When You say everything that's right in front of me
Is all the proof I'll ever need

You're all the proof I'll ever need
So would you help me to believe
AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-4084325040511749894.post-16640917857294946362010-09-19T16:02:00.003-04:002011-09-12T22:27:40.076-04:00Thoughts on HealingI just read a very good article on the Living Hope website written by Ricky Chelette titled "What Does Healing Look Like?" The article is about what healing from unwanted same sex attractions is and what it is not. As I have been learning and realizing more and more since I started my blog and started facing my SSA issues for the first time these attractions are not something you are likely to be healed from 100% in this life. The attractions will likely always be there to some extent because of the way they have been deeply imprinted within us in our developmental years. Some will have less attractions to the same sex over time and others wont experience much change in attractions at all. As it says in this article:

"Real healing is not the absence of struggle against lesser sexual desires, but facing those struggles, acknowledging their allure and immediacy, and choosing to obey the truth found in Christ and His Word. Real healing is predicated on a belief that the Creator knows what is best for His creation and has revealed what is best through His Son, Jesus Christ, and His Word, the Bible."

I really liked how in this article he compared this struggle with SSA to someone having diabetes as in its something you have to manage on a daily basis.

"In the physical world we might compare sexual and relational healing to someone who has diabetes. Diabetes does not often go away (though sometimes it can), but it can be controlled in your life as long as you eat appropriately, exercise, constantly monitor your intake, and submit yourself to the recommendations of the doctor. A person who submits himself to his doctor and disciplines his life will find that he can live a much fuller, happier, longer and more fruitful life. In much the same way, those who struggle with deep sexual and relational issues generally will not find their struggle completely gone. The imprints laid down upon the wet concrete of their formative years will not easily disappear. However, they can live in such a way as to not be governed by the impulses of their sinful, natural flesh and remain obedient to the calling and will of God in their lives. They can walk in freedom and truth!"

Like someone who struggles with diabetes some days are better than others but you always have to monitor yourself if you want to be healthy.

Sure God can heal people instantly of their homosexual attractions if He wanted to but it is more likely that God will use our struggles to draw us to Him and make us realize how much we need a savior. If He just healed everyone of all their struggles instantly would we really still seek Him? Or would life be to easy and our human nature and self reliance take over to make us think we don't need Jesus? Would we think we are entitled for God to fix every struggle we have? Just think how many times in the Old Testament God did some huge miracle like parting the Red Sea and then on the very next page you would see his people complaining and saying God forgot about them. I would like to think I am better than that and if God healed me instantly of my SSA I would always trust Him no matter what. But the truth is I am no better than the Israelites of the Old Testament. I am sure I would find something else to complain about in a short period of time. Questions like: "Sure God you healed me of my SSA but why wont you provide me with a better job? Did you forget about me? Why don't I have more friends? Now that I am attracted to women why don't I have a wife? Don't you love me?"

We will always have struggles with our sinful nature whether its SSA or something else. God never said anywhere that He would heal us of all our struggles in life. In fact everyone has some kind of struggle they have to deal with and a big part of being a follower of Christ is for us to have struggles but still try to live for God. I believe God does heal a small portion of SSA struggler's completely and instantly but I think the reason the numbers of instant healings are apparently so few is that if He just healed everyone of all their struggles with sin then life would be so easy we would not have to depend on Jesus. Rather than me trusting God AFTER I am healed I choose to trust Him now! If I just spend my whole life begging God for healing instead of living the life God has given me in a way that will bring praise to Him than I have wasted my life.

I admit I have spent alot of years and time begging and crying to God for healing and why it took me this long to face myself is a mystery to even me. But I am so thankful that God finally completely broke me one lonely and tear filled night in March which brought me to this point of finally admitting to myself my struggles and finding help online and in admitting my struggle to a couple of people in my life. Doing these things has helped me to find healing in ways I never expected. I still hold out hope to one day be more attracted to females and less attracted to males but that should not be my main goal. Rather as it says in the closing of this article:

"Real healing looks like you and me looking more and more like Jesus."

It should not be my ultimate goal to have 100% heterosexual attractions but instead to try and be more like Jesus. That is a goal that all of us sinners should be striving for!

Check out the whole article "What Does Healing Look Like?" on the Living Hope website its good!AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com

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I know a couple, quite elderly. They have been married for more years than many people get to be alive on this earth. The gentleman has been, until quite recently, very robust for his age. Although he required a small bit of assistance to get into and out of his favorite recliner, he was otherwise very independent. His wife was much more frail. She slept much of the day and rarely ever spoke. When she was awake, she frequently looked at him and smiled, her bright blue eyes twinkling. He would take her hand and raise it to his lips for a kiss, ever the courtly gentleman. He called her "Mama."
Recently, though, he succumbed to various respiratory illnesses, and even though his body was vigorous, it was nearly a century old, so each illness landed him in the hospital for a longer period of time. Each time he came back home, he was a little bit more weak. More devices appeared around him, and the caregivers seemed closer to him for longer periods of time.
Through it all, his wife, still quite frail, looked on him with love, affection, and a growing concern. I knew them only like this, in their increasingly frail old age and decline. I learned a few things about them very quickly, though. Right away I learned that they loved each other with the kind of deep, realistic, daily-work love that is never depicted in poetry. I learned that when they looked at each other, they each saw past their fading physical shells and into a long, shared life of which they were justifiably proud. And I learned that Mama, at least, had gotten everything down to essentials.
Mama rarely spoke. And when she did, she said only "Thank you" or "I love you." In all the time I was near her, these were the only things I heard her say. I have known for a long time that language is only one of many ways we have to communicate, but her limited vocabulary still struck me, especially since her husband was still so engaged in language and conversation.
One day, however, watching her with her long-term caregiver, it dawned on me that she had things exactly right. Her body was frail, she lacked energy to do more than what was absolutely essential. She had distilled her actions down, and I finally realized, she had also distilled down her language.
As I thought about it, if I could only say five words out loud for the rest of my life, could I think of a better collection than "Thank you" and "I love you"? What other five words would serve to express my connection to the people around me? How much more simple could it be? Every time I visited them, and I saw her saying only "thank you" and "I love you," I realized how much she had chosen to convey. With her fading strength, knowing every word was an effort, she chose to say the words that kept her connected to all the people around her, and that told them how much she cared for each of them. Could there be another five words more important?