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Skip to comments.One more time: FR's God-given Life & Liberty constitutional conservative activism agenda!!
Posted on 11/14/2010 5:13:16 PM PST by Jim RobinsonEdited on 12/15/2010 7:09:46 PM PST by Jim Robinson. [history]
One more time:
As a conservative site, Free Republic is pro-God, pro-life, pro-family, pro-Constitution, pro-Bill of Rights, pro-gun, pro-limited government, pro-private property rights, pro-limited taxes, pro-capitalism, pro-national defense, pro-freedom, and-pro America. We oppose all forms of liberalism, socialism, fascism, pacifism, totalitarianism, anarchism, government enforced atheism, abortionism, feminism, homosexualism, racism, wacko environmentalism, judicial activism, etc. We also oppose the United Nations or any other world government body that may attempt to impose its will or rule over our sovereign nation and sovereign people. We believe in defending our BORDERS, our constitution and our national sovereignty.
Free Republic is private property. It is not a government project, nor is it funded by government or taxpayer money. We are not a publicly owned entity nor are we an IRS tax-free non-profit organization. We pay all applicable taxes on our income. We are not connected to or funded by any political party, news agency, or any other entity. We sell no merchandise, product or service, and we offer no subscriptions or paid memberships. We accept no paid advertising or promotions. We are funded solely by donations (non tax deductible gifts) from our readers and participants.
We aggressively defend our God-given and first amendment guaranteed rights to free speech, free press, free religion, and FREEDOM of ASSOCIATION, as well as our constitutional right to control the use and content of our own personal private property. Despite the wailing of the liberal trolls and other doom & gloom naysayers, we feel no compelling need to allow them a platform to promote their repugnant and obnoxious propaganda from our forum. Free Republic is NOT a liberal debating society. We are conservative activists dedicated to defending our GOD-GIVEN rights, defending our constitution, defending our republic and defending our traditional American way of Life.
Our God-given Life, Liberty and freedoms are NOT negotiable!!
For God, Family, Country, Life and Liberty!!
If you cannot live with the above, fine, but keep your mouth shut about it while on FR. Don't fight against us on ANY of our deeply held beliefs!!
Anti Life & Liberty trolls will be ZOT on sight!!
Preach it, Mr. Robinson!
God bless you, Jim!
This needs to be posted periodically.
Just a bump. Great work you're doing here.
Worth repeating PING!
"ZOT on sight!!":)Bump.
Well said Jim...
This could be one of the greatest RINO purges since Rudy.
Yes Sir!!!!!!!!!!!
Amen Brother!
Thank you.
Beautiful. Thank you sir. God Bless.
I knew there was some reason I liked this place but I couldn't put my finger on it.
BTW, your system clock is running 10 minutes fast.
Post 3...In already but thanks for the ping!
Thanks for posting! :)
"You can't be a fiscal conservative and not be a social conservative. A large part of the expansive government is to take, make up for a disfuctional society because our culture is falling apart. The family's falling apart."
- Sen. Jim DeMint, Bret Baier interview Nov. 9, 2010
This is a great site with the best features in posting and discussion. Honestly, we have the upper hand in the battle of ideas against the economic/political big-government, atheist crowd. Let 'em come. I'd be like Clay's 60's Bum-of-the-Month Club - take on all comers.
Sir Yes Right 100%
Hear! Hear!
No, it's not. We're just that much ahead of everybody else.
Bump and AMEN!
Bump for Life and Liberty!
That's exactly why I have been here for over 10 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pingeroo to a classic!
Long may FR reign. To your health, Mr. R!!
Word That Boss!
You should get that Jim Thompson buddy of yours to walk the streets of Fresno wearing a sandwich sign with those words emblazoned on it.
I noticed that the conspiracy nuts are kept on a short leash as well.
Blogpimps still suck, regardless of ideology.
Freepmail wagglebee to subscribe or unsubscribe from the homosexual agenda or moral absolutes ping list.
FreeRepublic homosexual agenda keyword search
[ Add keyword homosexual agenda to flag FR articles to this ping list ]
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[ Add keyword moral absolutes to flag FR articles to this ping list ]
I wholeheartedly agree with everything Mr. Robinson said.
Thanks for putting the trolls on notice. They are like sludge in an engine, and have to be cleaned out periodically to keep running smoothly.
Apparently this message must be posted quarterly (if not more frequently). Seems to be a lot of 'wishy washy' thinking with some, because they're skerred of voicing the right position: "oh no...we can't say that...whatever the poison is: abortion, homosexuals...etc. BULLCRAP! This is war! We've only begun!
NO MORE COMPROMISE! Pay attention newbies here and in Congress. We are not going to tolerate your depravity any longer.
RINO and Loseatarian purge.
RINO and Loseatarian purge.
Zot them until they glow, then shoot them in the dark! (figuratively speaking on the shooting part, of course.)
Thank you.
Yes! "Anti-Life and Liberty trolls will be ZOT on sight!!"
God Bless you Jim!
Thank You.
Thank you, Jim.
Moreover, I don't know how many times we have to say it, but a pro-life and pro-family position not only is morally right, it is the winning position to take at the polls!
That's why the liberals have to use duckspeak when they talk about these issues: it's not killing a baby, it's "a woman's right to choose." They wouldn't bother with all that twisted language if people really agreed with their ideology.
That's why activist judges have to keep forcing this stuff on us—because people don't naturally want it.
If the conservative movement is to win, and take our country back, then we need the three legged stool. We need to work together. We need to resist all efforts to split and divide the conservative coalition.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.


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* Paintball armors are available in Blue and Black color.
This Chest/Back Protector is lightweight body armor which provides front and back protection with adjustable side straps. This Chest Protector is thick and able to handle point blank shots. This item will fit those who wear small, medium, or large size t-shirts.
*Out of Stock*
Review (0)

subset: commoncrawl


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What an absolutely perfect trip we had! Our Alaska Explorer was exactly what we had hoped for - an up close and personal experience in an incredible place. Captain Brad did a fantastic job of introducing us to Prince William Sound and Camp Denali, of course, was fabulous. All in all it was excellent - a true Alaskan experience.
- Jean Rudnicki, TX


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Shopping on Mackinac Island's Main Street is unavoidable! From the time you step off the ferry, there are gift shops, toy shops, and apparel shops everywhere you turn. Main Street features unique gift and souvenir shops for just about any budget, and is only a few minute walk from Mission Point.
And if we could offer one bit of advice, you must save room for some fudge. Mackinac Island is famous for fudge.
So who has the best fudge on the island? We'll give you a clue... they are located on Mackinac Island!


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I have an issue of installing a WWAN card from Ericsso, the F5521GW, which is not a genuine lenovo WWAN but a generic product, used in Dell notebook, bought it from ebay this week. I suppose that in case it is the same modell (F5521GW) it should be working too.
After installing it I got the "Mobile Network" Menu in "Wireless&Networks", but when activating get the message "WWAN card not detected". I have a 1838-CTO modell and am wondering what the problem could be. Before that I tried with an Ericsson 3507, had the same problem.
Do you have any advice or ideas how to get it working?
many thanks in advance!!!!!
Why do you think that Lenovo's slate has a driver for that card?
to be honest I don't know that.. just expect more or less to use the same WWAN modell, irrespective of the target plattform... was at least my idea... and currently not sure whether the f5521gw should be definitely certified from lenovo or there is a local problem with my TPT (missing drivers, damaged parts whatsoever).
someone managed to intergrate a generic F5521gw in his TPT?
You will have a better chance using that WWAN card on the laptop and buying a Gobi 3000 for the slate tablet. Sometimes even a minor hardware revision is enough to make a device incompatible with an operating system. I have no seen a single F5521GW on a ThinkPad slate tablet yet but oddly KayL has noted that the Ericsson F5521GW should be qualified for these tablets on october last year.
well, I have read diverse posts about people, who successfully installed a F5521GW in their slates .. this one, the goby 3000 and some other huawei WWAN are supposed to be allowed for the TPT.. that is the reason for me to wonder why it is not working. perhaps you are right, that every version of the F5521GW has minor changes that make it useless for other hardware.
still would be thankful if someone has a clue whether there are mods / special drivers for Android or whatever workaround to make this one work
You said that this card comes from a Dell laptop; sometimes computer manufacturers change the vendor or product ID on these devices. Even if the card is the same that runs on the slate tablet, this minor change is enough for the card not attaching to the right driver.


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Tod's Leather Penny Loafer
Sorry, this item is sold out!
Looks like you've got more shoe shopping to do - have fun!
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With an array of handcrafted shoes, Tod's is the perfect blend of tradition and classic style. This leather slip-on features a classic penny loafer style that will take your sophisticated look to new levels.
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Each year, Wine Spectator editors survey the wines reviewed over the previous 12 months and select our Top 100, based on quality, value, availability and excitement.
Our archives contain every Top 100 list back to the debut year, 1988. You may choose a specific year and sort the list by clicking on its header: rank, wine, score or price.
(* In 1998, some wines share the same rank, as the list was divided into top reds, whites and dessert wines.)
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The most exciting wines of the year for quality, value and availability! See top 10 profiles, plus 25+ years of Top 100 lists!
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Sedu Pro Ionic Ceramic Tourmaline Straightener (1", 220-240V, Plug Type C)
- Overview
- Features
- Patented Ultra Smooth 1.0 inch plates
- Ceramic/Tourmaline plates produces 6 times the amount of negative ions to reduce straightening time and frizz
- Infra-red heat technology seals hair's moisture and luster
- Adjustable Temperature control from 240F - 410F
- Fast heat up time, reaches desired temperature in 25 seconds from being turned on
- 9 foot professional cord
- 2 year warranty
- includes FREE heat protective storage pouch/mat
- Two (2) Year Warranty
- Place the appliance on a heatproof mat
- Plug the appliance into a wall outlet
- Select temperature setting. Move the switch to "ON" position. (The styler will be ready to use in 40 - 60 seconds when light starts blinking
- When lowering the temperature, light will temporarily go off while cooling down. Styler is ready to use again when light is blinking.
- Turn the power off after usage
- Allow appliance to cool and keep out of reach of children. NEVER wrap cord around the iron since this will cause cord to break prematurely. Avoid jerking bending or twisting cord, especially at plug and iron connection points. A heatproof pouch is suggested for storing purposes. Do not store iron at full heat in pouch, allow to cool. Unplug iron prior to storing in pouch.
- About the brand
Rated the Best Hair Straightener on the market and preferred by top hair stylists around the world, Sedu flat iron straightens, smoothes and tames frizzy or rebellious hair for long-lasting results. Sedu's patented ultra-smooth ceramic/tourmaline plates guarantee smooth straightening motion without pulling or breaking of hair.
Attention: This hair straightener is NOT for use in USA/Canada. (Click here to see models designed for USA/Canada/Mexico).
This model works in the following countries:
Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Andorra, Argentina, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Azores, Balearic Islands, Bangladesh, Belarus, Bolivia, Bosnia, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cambodia, Cameroon, Canary Islands, Cape Verde, Central African Republic, Chile, China, Comoros, Congo, Ivory Coast, Croatia, Denmark, Djibouti, East Timor, Egypt, Equatorial Guinea, Eritrea, Faeroe Islands, Finland, French Guiana, Gabon, Georgia, Germany, Gibraltar, Greece, Greenland, Guadeloupe, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Isle of Man, Israel, Italy, Kazakhstan, Korea (South), Laos, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Madagascar, Madeira, Mali, Martinique, Mauritania, Mauritius, Monaco, Mongolia, Montenegro, Morocco, Mozambique, Myanmar (formerly Burma), Nepal, Netherlands, Niger, Norway, Pakistan, Paraguay, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Rwanda, St. Vincent (Windward Is.), Senegal, Serbia, Slovenia, Somalia, Spain, Sudan, Sweden, Syria, Tajikistan, Thailand, Togo, Tunisia, Turkey, Ukraine, Uruguay, Uzbekistan, Vietnam, Zambia
Sedu is a world-renowned beauty brand with a reputation for unsurpassed quality and reliability. Its hair styling tools have always been developed with a focus on long-term maintenance of healthy hair. Each Sedu product is designed with the professional stylist in mind and features only the essentials, striking the perfect balance between high performance and effortless results.
Cut Straightening Time In HalfI have really thick, curly, ratty-looking hair.Its not really tangly but I think you get the idea.Before using this, it took about 2 hours to straighten my hair. And straightening my hair about everyday, fried it pretty bad. I recommend this straightener to anybody,all my friends love using it, and they all have nearly perfect straight hair. I also recommend using the Sedu moisturizing spray if you straighten your hair everyday!Mar 21, 2009Danielle / Oklahoma City, OK
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Had It For Almost 3 Years So Far......and it still works great. No problems whatsoever. It does the job and I love the long cord. Because its been so reliable, Im thinking about buying a Sedu hair dryer.Mar 15, 2009April
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BrokeThe flat iron was by far the best ive used, but it broke on me within 2 months of using it. I took very good care of the flat iron, and one morning it refused to turn on, and i couldnt get it to work from then on.Jan 30, 2009Alsie / Ewa, Hawaii
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No Swivel Cord But Way Better Than My ChiThe CHI tends to make my hair feel like straw, but this Sedu is AMAZING.. never dries out my already dry and died hair and is REALLY light. It doesnt FEEL as hot as the CHI but it DOES work way faster in my opinion. The only bad thing about this is that it doesnt have a swivel cord. When I curl my hair, it gets all tangled and I have to unravel it every so often. No biggie, I still love this straightner!Jan 21, 2009Jenn / Houston, Tx
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Broke After 2 Months!!This flat iron worked GREAT... for TWO MONTHS. Thats it- 2 months. It completely DIED on me on my 2-month anniversary of taking it out of the box... very disappointing! (side note: its definitely NOT the electrical outlet that broke it b/c I use my blowdryer from the same outlet and it still works fine). I just bought a new one in China (where Im living now) for less than 1/2 the price, and it works fine.Jan 12, 2009Corinna / Canada
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Simply The Best!!!I already bought 1 for me,1 for my sister,1 for my cousin and now im back to buy another one for my second sis!!!!Well this iron is just the best!!!Ive tried 110 v and a 220-240v toothey work the besstttt!!!!Jan 6, 2009Kirann / Tn
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Alrighttt. :)Well this is my cousins straightner, but I love it.My sisters hair is oh so curlyy. As in frizzyy curly. And we always have trouble finding a straightner that will actually straighten her hair. We tried it with this one and we were amazed at how straight it came out. She fell in love with it. Were now looking on this site to buy a straightner. Its in between this one and the pink Solia one. But I def. recommend this one to anyone. :DDec 14, 2008Brenda / Fort Worth
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JunkThe 1st one lasted less than 6mo & the 2sd one lasted 8 days. Im sending it back for a full refund.Nov 8, 2008Norilis Sikes / Jacksonville, FL
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DissapointedOk I was so stoked about buying this iron because of the good reviews, so when I got it I used it right away and Im so dissapointed! I dont even have the worst curly hair (more like wavy) and takes me more than an hour to get it really straight and soft but it only lasts for an hour or so. When I straigtenen my hair in the morning its perfectly straight but after being outside for 5 minutes my hair gets really curly at the ends (even more than my own curls). So I have to straightenen my hair at least every day and now Im loosing a lot of hair during straightening. I actually have this problem with every iron (and Ive had like 7 different brands) and was really hoping the Sedu could fix my problem but Im still in search for my perfect flat iron...Nov 7, 2008Yvette / NetherlandsHAIR TYPECurly Hair
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Worked Great In GreeceThis straightener worked very well, considering Ive burnt out all my flat irons trying to convert them to the 220 voltage! (I go once a year). I definitely do not recommend converting appliances meant for the us 120 voltage...not only does it ruin your appliance, its very dangerous! 220 is VERY powerful and its very easy to electrocute yourself. Ive purchased 2 flat irons in the past, while over there, but they definitely didnt match the quality of a product you can get in the USA. This year I said, forget it....I need a good flat iron that is the proper voltage. Well worth the $$. Glad I bought it!! I can use it in the years to come. The only con is it does not curl as well as my chi does. It could be the water, temperature, atmosphere, etc. over there...those factors definitely make your hair different, but overall, I was happy! A+!Oct 9, 2008Ek / NJ
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These quality Photo Albums have a leatherette cover enhanced with artisan embossing. The Bamboo style spine includes a metal label holder to chronicle special getaways. The look of hand-tooled leather creates a distinctive housing. Flex pages hold 2 photo sizes: (2) 4x6 or (1) 5x7. Holds up to 200 photos. Photo safe pages are acid, lignin and PVC free. CD storage pocket included. Available in Black and Red Embossed.
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Showing 1-24 of 55 items found in Shopping
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A Hundred Acres Orchard and Market
A fun-filled orchard featuring apples, berries, melons. The indoor market is filled with jams, jellies, sauces, dips, salsas, candy and homemade "take n bake" pies. Also unique is the Krazy Kernel Kettle Korn, produced right in Princeton! Specialty cheeses, such as Antonella, Buffalo Wing Jack, and Tomato Basil Yellow Cheddar are also available. Pair these cheeses with some of the wines that are sold in the new wine shop, or enjoy your purchase on the newly constructed outdoor patio area. The Cider Mill banquet room has been expanded to accommodate 200 guests, so plan your wedding, reception, party, or reunion here!
Full of color gift store with amazing variety of handmade clothing, specialty food items, colorful embellishments and jewelry, run by two of the most wonderful women you could meet. This shop is simply perfect!
Located in the historic North End of Princeton, IL, Anne's Antiques is a quaint antique shop featuring vintage oak and walnut furniture, handmade quilts, pottery and glassware
Annie's Little Pots and Pottery Center
Annies Little Pots is a "must-see" shop in Princeton, Illinois. Discover many local artists along with Ann Dittmer's beautiful hand-made pottery, created in her on-site studio. Besides Princeton's own handmade pottery, you'll find Metal Sculpture, Home & Garden decor, soaps, candles, jewelry, and original paintings. Want to try your hand at the Pottery Wheel? Schedule a Pottery Class. The Pottery Cellar located in the basement of Annies Little Pots features a fun Paint Your Own Pottery Studio.
Open 7 days, 5:00 AM - 3:00 PM. Junction of Routes 6 and 178, right off of I-80. fishing licenses, guide service available for Illinois River and LaSalle Lake. Live bait and tackle.
Austin Parker Naturals & Jaya Juice Bar
You will find hand picked, tried and true quality items that you can trust and rely on to assist you in natural lifestyles. Our guidelines for product selection include being vegan, gluten free, undesirable additive free, and as organic as possible.
B L Kassabaum Artist's Gallery
Limited edition prints, originals, conservation framing, appraisal art & photo restoration, cards.
Custom work, Sterling Silver, Semi-precious stones. Featuring Swarovski Crystal.
Enter this 1860's once-upon-a-time hardware store and find another state of mind! Submerge yourself in the laid-back, fun atmosphere and enjoy the attentive service. You won't find nuts and bolts anymore, but you will find a world full of unusual gifts such as imported glass and serveware and home decor, some with more than a little attitude. Features a variety of wines, gourmet mixes and condiments, homemade gourmet chocolates and espresso drinks. Become a fan on facebook!
Menswear -- suits from Hart, Schaffner and Marx, Austin Reed, Palm Beach, Sportswear from Ralph Lauren Polo.
Bakery opens at 6:00am and Market opens at 9:00 to 5:00pm, Monday- Saturday, and Sunday 6:00 to 4:00 pm. May is spring bedding plants, summer is fresh picked vegetables and fruits. After Labor Day, on weekends, pumpkins, pedal cars, pony and wagon rides, corn maze, animal barn, jumping pillow, food stands and the last weekend in Sept. a Craft Show with live music and over 100 crafters.
Premier bridal salon in the Tri-county area. Full service from brides to flower girls.
Family owned store specializing in diamonds, remounts, diamond setting, watches, fine jewelry, jewelry repair, watch repair, custom design.
Handcrafted, homemade cakes and sweets baked to order. Graduation, birthday, wedding and other cakes are our specialty.
This outfitter in the Illinois Valley offers canoe equipment, instruction, and transportation to help you fully enjoy this scenic stretch of the Vermilion River. Venture out on your own, or choose from excursions that include everything from picnics along the river to overnight camping trips.
Unique gifts including antiques, carvings, prints, candles, clothing, florals, jewelry, garden supplies and a year-round Christmas Room. Wine tastings.
Their handmade products are made in small batches to ensure that your family and theirs only get the best. They use the best ingredients they can get their hands on. They are not 100% organic but very close. Their products change with the seasons.
Clark St. Studio & Village Pottery
Wheel-thrown pottery by resident potter.
Lets Go Antiquing! Come and visit Utica's newest and largest antique store. Located one block west of historic downtown. Also located inside is a premier art gallery featuring local artists and a unique gift station.
Country at Heart Antiques and Collectibles.
Country and primitive furniture, Victorian, oak and walnut furniture. Linens, vintage clothing, jewelry, pottery and porcelain.
Portrait studio and gallery conveniently located in downtown Utica. Providing photographic services to the area, including a gallery of local artists. Open Monday-Saturday.
CITY:North Utica
Gift & antique shop featuring seasonal and everyday gifts, we also have a rental & retail costume company. Costumes-makeup-wigs-accessories. Open year round!
Enter and enjoy a 3,500 sq ft. building full of unique gifts, florals, and home décor.
Ellis Ace Hardware, Rental & RadioShack
Founded in 1872, Ellis Hardware is Illinois' Oldest Family Owned Hardware Store. Ellis Ace Hardware, Rental and RadioShack received the Illinois Historical Society"s Centennial Award in the fall of 2009. At Ellis' you're a neighbor, not just a number. We have over 30 departments with brands you love like Stihl, Toro, Craftsman, Weber and so much more! M-F 8:00am - 8:00pm, Saturday 8:00am - 5:00pm, Sunday 9:00am- 4:00pm. Follow us on Facebook at facebook.com/ellisace & twitter at twitter.com/ellisace & Instagram #ellishardware.


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Carrie Underwood "The Blown Away Tour" with special guest Hunter Hayes. $1 from each ticket will be donated to the Red Cross.
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Compared with the billions of other stars in the universe, the sun is unremarkable. But for Earth and the other planets that revolve around it, the sun is a powerful center of attention. It holds the solar system together; pours life-giving light, heat, and energy on Earth; and generates space weather.
The sun is a big star. At about 864,000 miles (1.4 million kilometers) wide, it could hold 109 planet Earths across its surface. If the sun were a hollow ball, more than a million Earths could stuff inside it. But the sun isn't hollow. It's filled with scorching hot gases that account for more than 99.8 percent of the total mass in the solar system. How hot? The temperature is about 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit (5,500 degrees Celsius) on the surface and more than 28 million degrees Fahrenheit (15.5 million Celsius) at the core.
Deep in the sun's core, nuclear fusion reactions convert hydrogen to helium, which generates energy. Particles of light called photons carry this energy through the sun's spherical shell, called the radiative zone, to the top layer of the solar interior, the convection zone. There, boiling motions of gases (like in a lava lamp) transfer the energy to the surface. This journey takes more than a million years.
The sun's surface, or atmosphere, is divided into three regions: the photosphere, the chromosphere, and the solar corona. The photosphere is the visible surface of the sun and the lowest layer of the atmosphere. Just above the photosphere are the chromosphere and the corona, which also emit visible light but are only seen during a solar eclipse, when the moon passes between the Earth and sun.
Solar Wind and Flares
In addition to light, the sun radiates heat and a steady stream of charged particles known as the solar wind. The wind blows about 280 miles (450 kilometers) a second throughout the solar system. Every so often, a patch of particles will burst from the sun in a solar flare, which can disrupt satellite communications and knock out power on Earth. Flares usually stem from the activity of sunspots, cool regions of the photosphere related to a shifting magnetic field inside the sun.
Like many energy sources, the sun is not forever. It is already about 4.5 billion years old and has used up nearly half of the hydrogen in its core. The sun will continue to burn through the hydrogen for another five billion years or so, and then helium will become its primary fuel. The sun will expand to about a hundred times its current size, swallowing Earth and other planets. It will burn as a red giant for another billion years and then collapse into a white dwarf about the size of planet Earth.
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text: You're searching through Zazzle Canada's iPhone 4 Music Player cases area, in which you can find a massive selection of Music Player iPhone case designs ready to be personalised or purchased as is. Most custom cases are made within 24 hours after the order is placed. Made to protect your iPhone 4 in style, Zazzle's iPhone 4 cases are printed in full colour. Compatible with both the Verizon and AT&T models of the iPhone 4, our universal custom iPhone 4 cases offer the perfect fit for your phone no matter your carrier. Add your own photos and text for free. To see other related products, visit the main music player area.


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Jose Eber
Jose Eber Infrared Hair Dryer
- Overview
- Features
- Far infrared that infuses the heat inside of the cuticle and not on the surface of the hair shaft, decreasing drying time by 50%.
- Offered with both a wide and narrow nozzle attachment for greater styling
- Ergonomic comfort grip for maximum control and easier handling
- Antimicrobial properties that cleanse and prepare the hair for a return to shine and manageability
- 4 speed/heat settings
- Folica is an authorized retailer of Jose Eber products. Jose Eber will honor the lifetime warranty on this item for Folica customers. Please register your product with Jose Eber.
- About the brand
The Jose Eber Infrared Hair Dryer uses an innovative far infrared light to infuse a gentle heat deep inside the hair cuticle, not on the surface of the hair shaft, reducing drying time by half,not only does it decrease drying time, but it eliminates the risk of hot spots, burns,and damage with its even heat distribution. Incorporating antimicrobial properties via Ultra Violet technology, the Infrared Blow Dryer helps to cleanse the hair as it dries.
Jose Eber is Beverly Hills' "hairdresser to the stars". Jose Eber designed the tools he uses on his celebrity clientele with exacting specifications to deliver the same professional results at home. Folica is an authorized retailer of Jose Eber products.
Highly Recommend!!I have had this blow dryer for almost 2 years now and it is a total game changer!!! Before I purchased the Jose Eber dryer, I had been using $30 Conair dryers from Target. The difference was absolutely amazing. With the cheaper dryer, my wavy/curly long hair took 15 minutes to blow dry straight. There are times when I swear to you my entire head is dry in 2 minutes (and straight!!!!) after being wrapped in a towel after my shower. 2 is my current record, but it rarely takes more than 5 minutes. I noticed some of the reviews complained about the weight, but that is actually one thing I love about this dryer- unlike cheaper ones from other brands, this guy is substantial to say the least...once you adjust to the weight, it actually becomes reassuring to have. Also- the infrared light definitely makes a difference!!! My hair feels soft after I blow dry it, instead of feeling fried or like I got struck with a giant dose of humidity. I bought mine from joseeber.com, and it came with a life time warranty (not sure if Folica offers that as well) so while it is a considerable amount of money, it's worth every penny PLUS it will never break down, or you get a new one. Win win. LOVE IT!!Jul 14, 2014Tori
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Arrived DefectiveI was disappointed that this dryer arrived not working. The first thing I noticed it how heavy this dryer is. Then when I turned it on it sounded funny and started blowing out pieces of plastic.
I will be returning it for a refund.Jul 8, 2014Lisa / DenverHAIR TYPEBlonde / Normal Hair / Color Treated Hair
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I Wanted To Love It So Much.UGH. I was so so so excited to get my Jose Eber dryer. The only problem is... its WAY TOO HEAVY. I have had shoulder injuries in the past and really need something lightweight. I love how it made my hair feel, the infrared technology and everything about it except for the weight. Unfortunately its too hard on my shoulder and I have to ship it back. If you need something lightweight, this isn't for you.Jul 21, 2013Laura / United StatesHAIR TYPELight Brown / Fine or Thin Hair
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"love The Waves And Shine"I am amazed by how this hairdryer protects color and adds highlights!!!!!! Can you believe this???? The natural waves are beautiful too as is the lightness and bounce of hair once it is dry. Loved how fast it dries too. It is a keeper!!May 7, 2013ConnieHAIR TYPEBlonde / Normal Hair / Curly Hair / Color Treated Hair
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Heavy, Awkwardly Designed HandleI had high hopes for this dryer, but unfortunately returned it because it didn't live up to my expectations. Overall, it produced a good end result, but I have a few issues that made it not worth keeping. The dryer "blows" much harder that the hair dryers I'm used to (T3 and Sultra) which I wasn't a huge fan of because it felt harder to control where it was drying. It's also the heaviest hair dryer I've ever used which, when you have hair that takes a while to blow out, can be an issue. Finally, the design of the handle is such that, with a normal grip, you are pressing the "cold shot" button so you have to hold it awkwardly to avoid doing so.
Considering the cost, it was not worth keeping for me. Going to try something else!Mar 27, 2013Kate P. / San Francisco, CAHAIR TYPEBlonde / Curly Hair
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AmazingI found this blow dryer to be absolutely amazing! I have relaxed shoulder length hair and let me tell you, I was kind of apprehensive because I always look for extensive reviews on products, but couldn't find anything. So I saw a lot of the major benefits of it and decided to give it a try. I used it and my hair was dry within 20 minutes when it usually takes me 40. My hair was straight and very airy and soft as well and to my surprise the dryer did not get hot on my whatsoever! I couldn't believe how silky and straight it got with really no heat. There was some warmth from the infra red glow, but that was it. I washed and blow dried my hair and 3 days later it still felt clean. Not to mention I sweated and slept and woke up and my hair was still straight. Super unheard of, I didn't even think that was possible! I can honestly say it is a HUGE investment to purchase when its no heat damage so that my hair can still be healthy, there's a lifetime guarantee warranty, and it even keeps your hair cleaner longer. Absolutely ingenious. I don't understand why this isn't more talked about. I thought about even trying out the jose eber line of flat irons, because my results were so great from the blow dryer.Mar 12, 2013Lindsey P.HAIR TYPEDark Brown / Color Treated Hair / Thick or Coarse Hair / Relaxed Hair
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Jose Eber Blow DryerThe blow dryer works awesome, but both my daughter, and mine just quit working. The reset button does not work..so sad for such a great product..Jan 3, 2013Cindy M.HAIR TYPELight Brown / Fine or Thin Hair
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Glad I Spent The MoneyI too did much research before investing in this blow dryer-because frankly am usually more frugal then that. But I do really love it! It exceeded my expectations for drying time. It really was so much faster-in fact, I really needed to start with my bangs and sides, because they dried too quickly! I also felt like my hair really was softer and straighter then normal. On my 10 year olds hair, which is very thick, it didn't have that 'fried' look afterwards. For a normal day, I didn't need to flat iron either of our hair (which we usually do). Not stick straight, but good enough and super soft. It is a bit heavy and I didn't love the placement of the cool shot button, kept pushing it accidentally. Only minor complaints!Sep 17, 2012Tara
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Not Disappointed At All!After doing my research, I finally decided to splurge on this blow dryer. I promise you it's worth every penny!
My hair is: mid-length, layered, black hair. It's very thick and coarse and has the tendency to get dry underneath.
I bought this product with the promise of reducing drying time to 50% and promoting shiny hair. It is also microbial, which can help for any future dandruff days, which is horrible on black hair. One blog I follow also said it leaves your hair feeling as soft as it feels after being flat-ironed. It is also 1 of 3 online sites that are approved retailers on the Jose Eber website, which will honor the LIFETIME WARRANTY with product registration. (I ordered from folica.com because the Jose Eber website does not ship to Canada, and folica.com does!)
My results were amazing. I was already amazed with how dry my hair got in 3 minutes. I was able to get my hair totally dry in 5 minutes. The cold shot in the end made for super shiny hair on my thick, coarse hair. And while it did not look "flat-ironed" (I did not use a brush while blow drying, and I have lots of layers), it DID feel as soft as flat-ironed hair. I also used it on my 5 year old daughter who has long, thin black hair and her hair was blow dried in 5 minutes as well and not "fried" like I've seen in comments in other blow dryers with promised quick dry times. So I believe this tool is good for any hair type.
Side notes: It's not noisy at all, and has the nice purr that blow dryers in nice salons have. My daughter LOVED the infrared glow it gives when it's on.
Final thoughts: Why are you wasting you time thinking about it... seriously, BUY IT! You can't go wrong with a life time warranty and this place being an approved retailer where you know the warranty will be honored :)Aug 10, 2012Lorna S.HAIR TYPEBlack / Dry Hair / Color Treated Hair / Thick or Coarse Hair
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Kylie Kohl >> See More Amateurs
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Galleries in Full HD!
Down to Earth, midwestern-beauty Kylie Kohl dreams of adopting children one day with her future husband. Kylie may not have found Mr. Right just yet, but she has no doubt he's right around the corner. Head to the members area now and check out Kylie's pictorials and sexy vid...
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Water resistant and ready to go, the Salomon Speedcross 3 CS is a trail shoe built for speed, offering moderate cushioning and a semi-soft ride.
Stay fast, stay light, stay dry in the Salomon Speedcross 3 CS. This trail performance shoe has a breathable, water-resistant upper that keeps moisture out while letting feet breathe at the same time, keeping feet dry and light. Aggressive lugs dig in deep for grip on softer ground while still offering good traction on tough surfaces. The cushioned midsole offers comfort through any distance, to keep you going from one trail to the next.
Model Number:
Weight: 11.1 oz (size 9)
Stack Height: Heel (29mm), Forefoot (18mm); includes 5mm average lug height
Available Widths: D=Medium
How It Fits (based on width D)
The Speedcross 3 CS is a water-resistant minimum feature, moderate neutral trail shoe designed for racing and daily training.
Injected EVA runs the length of the shoe for underfoot cushion.
Mud and Snow Contagrip has an aggressive lug pattern designed to dig in deep on softer ground for excellent traction.
Comments: Excellent shoe! I have had these for 6 months, trail run twice a week, and recently used them for training and completion of my first 50 miler. These shoes are durable, comfortable, and effective for a wide varity of terrain, weather, and distances. I have yet to receive a blister or hot spot even when running in 3-5 inches of mud. I will be purchasing more Salomon Speedcross without hesitation.
From: Michael, Salem MA, USA
Comments: fantastic shoe, the traction is incredible and the cushion/protection is great - I normally run in minimal type shoes but this is a great addition to my shoe rotation - may not be the lightest shoe around but the cushioning, traction and lacing system immediately make this my favorite mountain trail running shoe.
From: Herman, Santa Fe, NM USA


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Nation Radio - May 5, 2012
May 06 2012 12:52PM
With winter finally loosing it's icy grip in Canda (well, except in Calgary apparently) and all the great white north teams out of the playoffs, thoughts are unviersally turning to the upcoming draft and free agency. Those topics plus the WHL playoffs and World Hockey Championships are explored today with Corey Graham, Scott Cullen, Jim Byers and others.
This is Nation Radio.
TSN's numbers man and fantasy guru Scott Cullen joins Allan to talk the playoffs, Team Canada in the WHC and the Oilers potential draft choices.
In part two, we welcome Oil Kings PbP voice and regular guest Corey Graham. He discusses the WHL finals, including Portland's firepower, the crowds in Edmonton and a "missed" goal call in game 2 of the series.
Segment three features an open session and reader emails. Lowetide shares his thoughts on NHL afternoon games, the draft and his top 10.
OKC PbP man Jim Byers is guest #3 this week. He looks at the Barons playoff push and provides updates on Colton Teubert and Alex Plante.
Nations overlord Kent Wilson checks in to talk about the Flames Roman Cervenka signing as well as the possibility of Calgary trading Kiprusoff this summer. Valuing "content over style" in player evaluations is also discussed.
Finally, Benjamin Massey of Copper 'n Blue and Eightysixforever shares some thoughts on Edmonton FC and the Vancouver Whitecaps. LT wraps things up with more draft talk.
Whole show.
Looking forward to the Oil Kings game tonight. Should be an interesting matchup. Also, the game tonight is 6PM Pacific, 7PM Mountain.
I find it interesting the big strong teams are in the playoffs.
I guess you cannot teach size.
Fast small team is what the Oilers have been for years. This philosophy works well in the regular season. i could see this team making the playoffs in 2yrs. Of course they will lose first round . But this is the team Lowe and management is building.
May 06 2012, 04:07PM
@ Jeff
I agree with you but the smaller quicker thing is not working regular season wise. Adjust this to read 'pre season'.
@ Jeff
I agree with you but the smaller quicker thing is not working regular season wise. Adjust this to read 'pre season'.
It really only works at all if your goalie has a .965 save percentage over a 15 game stretch.
Then it all goes all to hell.
Okay, but if you think the Oil's big problem was size I think you are confused. A team of 21 small, good hockey players would win more than they lost. By all means lets get some size, but let's not pretend the problem is we're too small.
Take a look at playoffs team most are big talented players.
Why do you think Vancouver went for size this year. They were trying to win the cup.
Size with talent are not the only thing you need to win a Cup but it beats what comes in second.
May 07 2012, 04:16PM
Seriously? You used the Canucks as an example? Not saying the point is invalid but dont use a team who got punted in 5 games to a 8 seed as an example of winning with size.
From Stevezie: "By all means lets get some size, but let's not pretend the problem is we're too small."
Right on. The problems with this rebuilding are many, imbalance, lack of a strong core of veterans, not hard to play against, not strong on the puck, not protective of their stars, etc. etc. etc. Probably the greatest problem rests with the management, or lack of good management.
When we see the results of the Coyotes' rebuild, it is impressive. Obviously, they have a good management team and excellent coaches, and the Oilers don't.


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We might be reading a lot more about the aftermath of that suit, a severe rebuke from the courts to the state and developer Forest City Ratner, and a reminder about the lack of accountability regarding Atlantic Yards.
MAS, which has the ear of city elites (see this 8/6/06 New York Times editorial on AY or its role in debating the expansion of NYU), would have joined the press release--or sent out its own--announcing the unanimous victory April 12 in appellate court by the community coalitions challenging the state.
The New York Times, which has so far ignored the news, would have had to take it more seriously, at least in a news story, if not an editorial.
And MAS would have been on the right side of history in this case, recognizing that BrooklynSpeaks, formed in September 2006 as an alternative to the Develop Don't Destroy Brooklyn (DDDB) opposition strategy, had found negotiation to be fruitless.
(In the lawsuit, one coalition, including three elected officials, was led by BrooklynSpeaks members; the other involved DDDB and allies.)
Finding the middle ground, raising money
The MAS usually represents a respectable middle ground, not an easy position, I'd suggest, between the "development-at-any costs Bloomberg administration" (in the words of the New York Observer's Matt Chaban) and neighborhood residents or semi-idealistic urban planners.
The MAS also has its ties to some real estate developers; both the Related Companies and Forest City Ratner served as sponsors for the Second Annual Summit for NYC last October, and Forest City's MaryAnne Gilmartin made a presentation about the company's new Frank Gehry tower.
That relationship with Forest City came after MAS left BrooklynSpeaks. While I doubt the MAS move was driven by a desire for support from the developer, I'm confident Forest City wouldn't have offered such support had it been facing MAS in court.
The split from BrooklynSpeaks
In January 2010, I asked MAS why it had left BrooklynSpeaks, and was told:
MAS was one of the creators of Brooklyn Speaks, and we are extremely proud of our association with the group. The Brooklyn Speaks coalition has given a powerful voice to community stakeholders concerned with the Atlantic Yards project and its impact on the surrounding neighborhood.Generally speaking, litigation is likely not the best way to improve projects. But when dialogue doesn't work, and the state is actively mendacious, litigation may be the best option.
Without commenting on the recent SEIS lawsuit, MAS maintains the same position it had when Brooklyn Speaks was founded: we do not believe that litigation is the best way to improve the project. Because Brooklyn Speaks was so closely associated with the litigation brought by certain of its member organizations, we felt it was inappropriate to remain a member of the coalition.
Through ongoing conversations with ESDC and Forest City Ratner Companies MAS continues to advocate for implementation of the design principles we articulated, with Brooklyn Speaks, when the project was in its nascent stage. We are also continuing to work towards a governance structure that will fully engage local residents and the community.
It seems the dialogue with ESDC and Forest City has been rather quiet, as has any discussion regarding a governance structure. I've described the MAS posture as a fundamental question of pragmatism vs. principle. Hindsight suggests that, in this case, principle was the wiser move.
Room for improvement
MAS supplied a significant part of the analysis behind BrooklynSpeaks's critique of AY (such as open space that seems private) as well as BrooklynSpeaks's quite reasonable governance proposal to form a subsidiary to oversee Atlantic Yards, just as subsidiaries have been formed to oversee other long-term projects, such as Battery Park City.
That governance proposal has been attenuated in the legislature, but even that hasn't passed, due in part to Forest City Ratner's opposition.
A comment
Mary Campbell Gallagher sent this comment:
You are too kind to the Municipal Art Society (MAS). The MAS can swing a lot of weight, and if it had supported the Atlantic Yards litigation from the start instead of joining Brooklyn Speaks, we would not be talking about recycling Atlantic Yards hearings now. Brooklyn Speaks never had a prayer of directly influencing Atlantic Yards. I said from the moment that the MAS joined Brooklyn Speaks that if Atlantic Yards got built, in any form, I'd blame it on the Municipal Art Society. Leaving Brooklyn Speaks was just the MAS's last gasp.


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(March 02) Today we're celebrating. . . Dr. Seuss' Birthday / Read Across America Day
Dr. Seuss' Birthday / Read Across America Day
Yes its true, yes its true or
so that it seems,
That today's a big day,
the kind even in dreams,
For all little girls and all little boys
Will wake up bright and early to read with much joy!
And they'll read. And they'll read. And when they'll get to the parts
were their giggles begin and the laughter, it starts
And they'll giggle and giggle with laughter for sure!
Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
(and we know that the Grinch would have hated the noise!)
So a big birthday thanks
for the magic and more
Thanks for that Cat in the Hat
and the rest of the score
We loved all your stories
we loved them galore
Let's sing! And Let's sing!
And then sing! Sing! Some more!
That's about as good as it gets as my rhyming's quite sad
but lets just give some thanks for the fun we've all had
Its a big celebration out here on the tubes
Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday to youse!
Celebrate Dr. Seuss' Birthday today by taking part in Read Across America Day and encouraging the reading of books.


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2015 was a big year. I started a brand new full time job in February which meant that my travel schedule changed quite a bit. I still had the opportunity to take some amazing trips and spent quite a bit of time exploring Copenhagen in greater depth. I also made it home to the US for the first time in two years for a road trip through Southwestern Colorado. In addition to these trips I also took a 19 day trip through Cambodia, Vietnam and Thailand – however, that trip ended on December 29th, which means that while the photos were taken in 2015, they'll be included in my 2016 roundup as I've got about 150 GB of photos to sort through! In 2015 I also upgraded from my Canon 600D to a Canon 6D which brought with it exciting new opportunities but also some growing pains.
Each is linked to the related album on flickr and uploaded in full-resolution. If you'd like to license one of these photos please reach out to me directly. Want to use one for your computer desktop or background? Be my guest as all photos are uploaded under a CC non-commercial license. Want to help support me or send a thank you? Shop camera gear (and everything else) over on Amazon through my affiliate link or contribute to my new camera gear fund via PayPal.
Your support and feedback is inspiring! Thank you for allowing me to share a taste of how I see the world with you!
Gefion Fountain – Copenhagen – Denmark
Malaga – Spain
West Fork of the Dolores – Colorado – USA


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Skechers Wild Onez Girls Toddler & Youth Light-up Sneaker
Sorry, this item is sold out!
Looks like you've got more shoe shopping to do - have fun!
Looks like you've got more shoe shopping to do - have fun!
Item # 269005
She'll look purrfectly stylish in these super fun Twinkle Toes: Shuffles Wild Onez sneakers from Skechers.
- Animal print canvas upper
- Lightly padded collar
- Fabric lining, cushioned insole
- Flexible rubber traction sole
- Lighted technology
- Imported
- View more Skechers
- Online Exclusive!
By: Alvis
Location: Michigan
March 14, 2013
"My daughter LOVES these shoes. I do think they run a little on the big side. She has a narrow foot, but the 12 seems a little long. Will be keeping these for sure."
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Calvin Klein Jeans Alysha Gladiator Sandal
Sorry, this item is sold out!
Looks like you've got more shoe shopping to do - have fun!
Looks like you've got more shoe shopping to do - have fun!
Item # 299062
This gladiator sandal from Calvin Klein Jeans is perfect for the gals who aren't ready to lose the open toe! The caged Alysha flat is a bit closed while still showing lots of skin.
- Leather upper
- Tassel details
- Back zipper closure
- Synthetic sole
- Imported
- View more Women's Calvin Klein Jeans Shoes
By: anniebananas
Location: Kentucky
March 05, 2014
Too long...
"I love the style and metallic finish on the sandal. Easy to get on and off...just slip in and zip up the back. My only problem is that they are way too long. I wear an 8 and ordered an 8. There is close to 2 inches of space from the tip of my toe to the tip of the sandal. Looks very funny. I will either return them or see if my best friend wants them. They will probably fit her perfectly and they're too cute to send back!"
Click anywhere to close this.


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SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
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joeboo posted 8/12/2012 22:48 PM
Is she willing to discuss the abuse with you?Yes/No. She has referred to it, but does not discuss it. I don't press her for details, and she doesn't offer to discuss. She has a problem with lying to anyone about anything and everything, especially if she feels it might make her look bad, so I am not sure if she would discuss it with an IC honestly.
It sounds as if a qualified counselor could help her. I think I need to learn more about this so I have adequate information to encourage her to get help.
This book was helpful for meThank you for the book recommendation. This sounds like a great place to start.
Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child
By Laura Davis
atsenaotie posted 8/13/2012 09:13 AM
MSK99 asked:
Does anyone have any history/information/research on a linkage between being sexually molested and being a wayward later in life?
Not a linkage, but it certainly was a factor for FWW. She was SAb and raped as an adolescent. These are among the factors in her FOO that led to her not forming emotionally intimate connections. As she explained it in MC, she wore an emotional body condom to keep anyone (including me) from getting inside and connecting. She was much more comfortable with her AP relationships because except for one of them, they did not want a deep emotional connection. The one who did want more of a commitment from her she dumped hard.
Her history also figures into our relationship. My primary love language is touch, and after sex, I feel deeply connected and loved. For FWW sex is a fun physical activity, nothing more, no emotional connection. Sex with her AP was fine because she could "be in control" scheduling it when she wanted, they finished and that was that. Now as we are trying to R I know she is trying to be better with touching and sex, but it is a huge struggle. Sex 3x a month is good for us, but usually once a month or less. This leaves me frustrated and feeling rejected even though I can rationalize the reasons. FWW is very good at noticing my emotions, and when I feel rejected, she feels rejected and withdraws. Pre dday this led to her looking for affirmation outside the M, and post dday I still worry we will not survive over the long haul.
In addition, she has been deeply ashamed of her past and unwilling to share much of it with me until after dday. She feared, and I believe still fears, that if I knew who she really was I would leave her.
So not necessarily a if this then that relationship between SA and adultery, but it certainly contributed to the environment in my M.
atsenaotie posted 8/13/2012 09:18 AM
Yes/No. She has referred to it, but does not discuss it.
I don't press her for details, and she doesn't offer to discuss. She has a problem with lying to anyone about anything and everything, especially if she feels it might make her look bad, so I am not sure if she would discuss it with an IC honestly.
This very much describes my situation with FWW. For a long time I felt this was OUR problem and frustrated that I had to rely on her alone to "fix" it. I now see this as her problem to manage in a way that OUR relationship provides more positive than negatives.
FWW says that her 1+ year IC helped with many things including helping her to forgive herself for her SAb and rape. While our day-to-day relationship is better than pre-dday, it still lacks emotional and physical intimacy. This is a problem for me, and either I will have to adjust and settle, she will have to push through her issues related to sex and intimacy, or we are not going to make it.
FR2012 posted 8/14/2012 21:21 PM
I am glad there is a thread like this.
I am a sexual abuse survivor.
I was molested when I was about 9 years old by a neighbourhood friend. It happened once with him. I talked to a detective a couple days later and he was never seen after that in the neighbourhood. I never got any kind of therapy for it. My mom kept it on the down low. Never spoke of it with me. I had to deal with it all on my own.
The second incidence was my mom's fiance. Didn't molest me but did touch me inappropriately. My mom quickly got rid of him after that.
esposa posted 8/14/2012 21:32 PM
I think I stay because my husband was abused as a child. His affair was complete and utter insanity. He is in therapy working on the abuse issues, but sometimes I wonder what is in this relationship for me. Where do I fit in?
I am very supportive of his process. I have much compassion. But should he get a free pass??? So confused sometimes.
NothngElseMattrs posted 8/14/2012 22:36 PM
While it is sad to see that this affects so many people, it does bring a sense of community to this thread. Thank you to all abuse survivors and spouses that are here looking for answers and support. It is my sincere hope that we all find peace.
atsenaotie, some of the things you said touched on some issues between me and my WH/BH.
My primary love language is touch, and after sex, I feel deeply connected and loved. For FWW sex is a fun physical activity, nothing more, no emotional connection. Sex with her AP was fine because she could "be in control" scheduling it when she wanted, they finished and that was that
My second love language is touch, but I struggle with sex. Sometimes to me it is just a fun physical activity, while my H.. for him it has been sometimes the only way to express/receive love from me (partially due to his Sex Addiction). It is really hard to give up control as a survivor of abuse. Sometimes it seems like we must take control any way we can get it, even if it's over something trivial in our daily lives (I don't mean sex, I'm not saying sex is trivial.. it is absolutely not). I know the need for control has carried over into somewhat OCD behaviors in me.
Have yall discussed what the ideal for you and the ideal for her is as to frequency of quality, meaningful sex together? Your expectations for sex? My H and I are still working on our issues, but in the past, having conversations *not* in the bedroom about our expectations for sex has been helpful. What brings your wife that deep emotional connection, if it isn't sex?
esposa- your H should not get a free pass. His past CSAb does not excuse his A, but it very likely colored the person he is today and his thought processes/ feelings. Is the only reason you stay out of not wanting to abandon him because he has suffered trauma? Maybe you could journal about this. Is your H trying to use his abuse and what he wrongly assumed to be an A on your part (from what your profile says) as "permission"?
caspers1wish posted 8/15/2012 11:51 AM
Welcome to SI. I read your thread in the other forum. Survivors tend to have extremely poor boundaries, and you've had your boundaries violated as a child, and then received no help in processing that and ensuring that you built them back up. Something to think about as you work on the past and present.
I have often felt that my BH went easy on me because of my past traumas. You can still be supportive, but I think it's important that you establish your own sense of self and self-respect, lead by example, survivors need good examples of what self respect looks like.
Your husband's past does not trump your feelings. That sets you up that your feelings will always be secondary to his. You can still be supportive, but it doesn't mean you stuff your own hurt and pain, it doesn't mean his destructive actions don't get addressed. Unless he's truly mentally ill, he's not fragile and too weak. He won't crack, and if he's giving indications that he might buckle under facing what he's done (been there done that), let me say it's completely manipulative.
I don't know how far out of dday you are or how long your husband has been in therapy. If it's been recent, he may need some time to get to a point that he's healthy enough to work on marital issues. It doesn't mean you have to wait until he's ready. It's vital you have your own support in this as much as he does.
atsenaotie posted 8/15/2012 13:41 PM
Hi NothingElseMatters,
Have yall discussed what the ideal for you and the ideal for her is as to frequency of quality, meaningful sex together? Your expectations for sex?
We have, even with the MC. For her, she would be fine never having sex again (her words), but says she things 1 - 2x a month is reasonable. I would like sex 1-2x a week, but find myself accepting 1x a month or less. We have discussed touching other than sex, but that does not happen much either (1-2x a month) and doing things together, but she complained of feeling smothered or obligated to do things with me.
What brings your wife that deep emotional connection, if it isn't sex?
She says words of affirmation and acts of service, but the reality is these are things she likes, not things that bring a deep emotional connection. Just now typing this the reality I have known for a while has sunk in. FWW does not (cannot?) form deep / intimate emotional conections. They frighten her, she fears she will lose control of her. This is why she is happy in a marriage that is like a friendship, and was satisfied with A relationships.
OnceWasEnough posted 8/15/2012 20:53 PM
It may be in your WW's best interest mentally and physically to address her abuse with an IC who specilizes in SAB.
For me, my first mistake was to not address my WH's issues over 20 years ago in the aftermath of his first A. Yes, he had some IC, however he was not honest with his therapist and did not reveal any of his history with his father. (What I knew at that time was very limited).
Jump forward 23 years later, another A and suddenly WH hits rock bottom and his true history is revealed to me. Those compartments in his brain were repressing many events he chose not to deal with. The constant lying was so damaging to our marriage.....
I got him in touch with a very specalized therapist dedicated to men with a history of childhood sex abuse. The therapist worked with him for the next year, eventually transferring him into group therapy with other men with similar histories.
He should still be in that therapy but we had to move due to a job change (his) and FWH has no desire to "start over" as he calls it with another therapist.
I still cannot say what our future might be, there are other issues he refuses to address that I need and have asked for many times.
1. Ask me to marry him again,
2. Buy me a new wedding ring,
3. Renewal of marriage vows on a new date,
I have given myself a deadline of 7/1/2013. If none of the three items occurs, I'm on to a new life.
NothngElseMattrs posted 8/15/2012 21:41 PM
Ats, I read your profile.
Your W connected sexually with the OMs. But she would be fine never having sex again? I don't know how old you two are, but perhaps she is having hormonal issues? Is she depressed? On AD's?
Why do you think she has chosen R?
From your posts, it sounds like she just does not know how to be. I am familiar with this feeling and have felt it before. The only way I overcame periods of extreme disorientation in my life, pre- and post-D-Day, as well as even before I met Mr NEM, I would have some kind of triggered epiphany where I just decided I was sick of slogging through life, just surviving. I would have moments of clarity where it was abundantly apparent to me that I was wasting my life by living it the way that I was.
I really do think it was somewhat related to depression and chemical/hormonal imbalance. Stopping taking some of my medications helped significantly with this, and I noticed a personality change.
Has your W started/stopped/changed any of her meds recently? Is it possible that this has happened that you are not aware of?
atsenaotie posted 8/15/2012 22:15 PM
All of the above.
I am low 50's, FWW is 7 years older than me, and recent hysterectomy. During her As she worked out, shopped at Ann Taylor, and got her hair and nails done. Now she shops at Macy and Penny's, no longer gets her nails done, no longer works out, and hair 1 every couple of months.
FWW started taking testosterone shots and she thought they helped her more than I did, but she stopped them and "keeps meaning" to schedule another. She self medicates a lot with Xanax and other drugs, goes on and off her antidepressants that she insists are only for weight control.
To me she is very negative, about her job, other people, everything; and this is after more than a year of IC that has really helped.
I think this is just who she is. Afraid/incapable of a committed relationship, seeing sex as an obligation, and comfortable with the status quo because she worries what others will think or say if we divorce. Worries how she will care for herself (I earn 2.5x her salary).
I have always been safe for her. I take care of things. I understand if she put kids or family, or job ahead of me. She has said I make her normal. Being normal is a big deal to her.
NothngElseMattrs posted 8/15/2012 22:45 PM
Ats, maybe this is weird... but you are describing my mother, almost to a T. Good thing my parents' ages are different, so I know you and your W could not be my parents and we are not figuring this out on a thread on SI, LOL
Maybe you can get her a gift certificate and give it to her in such a way that a friend/sister/daughters knows and will go with her to get hair/nails/shopping done. My mom has a habit of ending up giving her gift certificates to me or my sisters unless my dad gives it to her in a way that other people know and drag her along for the ride. Or, you could buy her clothes, and let her pick out ones she likes, then return the rest? I don't know how much of a shopper you are, but my dad is a BIG shopper, and my mom is not. She does enjoy that he buys her clothes that he thinks will look nice on her, and she enjoys the control that she gets from being able to pick and choose what she keeps. Gifts is obviously my dad's primary love language (and one of mine... apple... tree.... hmm...). But my mom does get to feel some control at the same time. I don't know how else to explain it, but it does work. If not for dad, she would be wearing the same clothes from 10, 20 + years ago as long as she could still fit in them.
As a woman and a CSAb survivor, I do feel like not taking pride in my appearance is a behavior that occurs when I am feeling especially down and when I am in those periods of "funk" that I end up shaking myself out of. This may be a sign. Your W's recent hysterectomy is a big one... I do think that Dr's and the general public overlook the effect this has on a woman. My mom is SO DIFFERENT since having hers, and her dynamic with my dad is SO DIFFERENT, I can't even put it into words. It makes me sad.
FWW started taking testosterone shots and she thought they helped her more than I did, but she stopped them and "keeps meaning" to schedule another. She self medicates a lot with Xanax and other drugs, goes on and off her antidepressants that she insists are only for weight control.
This worries me. Medically, she should not be self-medicating. She should really be under the care of a Dr WRT all these meds that she is/isn't/should/maybe shouldn't be taking. Perhaps she should see a psychiatrist? Is she drinking a worrisome amount too? I will admit, self-medicating with RX and alcohol is something I have been prone to in order to dull the pain of my existence in the deepest doldrums of my past. I don't know if other survivors can attest that they have experienced the same, but it is something that is so easy to slip into (for me, at least).
I have always been safe for her. I take care of things. I understand if she put kids or family, or job ahead of me. She has said I make her normal. Being normal is a big deal to her.
Have you explored this in MC? Do you feel that all your needs are getting met and have you brought this up in MC? In IC?
caspers1wish posted 8/15/2012 23:20 PM
I agree with NEM, that the hysterectomy is a big deal. Factor in going on/off antidepressants, which are known to interfere with sex drive, she sounds chemically out of balance.
Also, I can relate to the lack of self-care...it is much worse in that funk state of mind. Also, as a survivor, I have recognized how my needs went unmet as a child. Abused by one parent, while the non-offending parent did nothing...there is an undercurrent of neglect throughout my childhood...and not just emotional neglect, but other things like seeing a doctor, regular health visits...none, zilch...when in Kinder, it took my mother days to change my bedding if I wet the bed, she took 2 weeks to treat a case of lice...my point is that neglect as a child turns into self neglect as an adult.
In regards to the sex and intimacy issue. My primary language is touch. We have frequent sex. Survivors tend to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other, there is very little in between. My sister has a hard time being sexual, it brings up all these feelings about the abuse she doesn't want to feel and acknowledge.
I'm the opposite, I use sex to self-medicate, to soothe, because I'm bored, tired, I just need to be cuddled. I've had to struggle learning to be intimate without pressuring myself to be sexual.
I really struggle with viewing sex as a meaningful, intimate connection. For me, it's something I can do with anyone, and that right there is the real issue. It's not a special act, and I view it this way out of self-preservation, to protect myself. I can't be sexual or have sex without the flashbacks and physical triggers. I can't view sex as special and sacred and an act of love between two committed people when there are really 3 people going at it...me, my husband, and my abuser. If I were truly able to suppress those things, it would mean shutting down sexually. We've tried it, it was a big fail and we were both miserable for the effort.
Survivors go to great lengths to avoid intimacy, real intimacy. It means being vulnerable, exposing our undersides, literally and figuratively. Abuse, especially repeated abuse, tears down and destroys trust, in anyone else and ourselves.
Putting a voice to some of the thoughts in my head during sex, was a horribly terrifying thing to do, and I figured my husband would run for the hills hearing my darkest thoughts. His acceptance has helped me accept myself, and relax more in the bedroom. But I know what it's like for a survivor to be afraid to really open up to her partner and share and trust and be intimate. It's a very lonely and heart breaking place to be. Those thoughts are there, rattling around in our heads, gnawing at our self worth, laced with guilt and shame, letting them out really brings them out from the darkness so we can live in the light of the day.
I hope your wife finds healing and peace.
vivere posted 8/15/2012 23:43 PM
I have read all 50 pages of Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part I. I identify with so many of the stories told. I am a BS, my husband is a SAbS. I knew nothing of this until 8 months ago...
We had been married 23 years when I found out about my H A's. It's taken 8 months to uncover the details I have to date. (He now swears I know everything but given that he has been forthcoming with nothing unless I have presented irrefutable evidence first, I am sceptical).
After the initial discovery my H developed a life threatening illness. I mention this by means of explanation because his hospitalisation enforced a 2 month hiatus in our 'recovery process'. Now he is healing and although still encumbered by pain, he is able to participate more fully in 'the process' should he choose to do so.
Discoveries (using the TT Method favoured by many WH )are listed below in an effort to condense the post. (Don't want anyone to get bored and give up on me ).
Uncovered LTA, long distance affair. It lasted approx. 10 months before becoming PA x1 sexual encounter? It ended after 12 months, the day I found out.
Uncovered texting persual of another woman during the LTA (nothing eventuated because she stopped returning texts)
Uncovered Prostitute use x2 Before and during LTA.
Confirmation of greater use of pornography by H than previously aware of. All our married life.
H reveals visits to Strip Clubs 3-4 times (something he knows I hate).
H reveals approx. 12 months of SA at age 10. He has never spoken of this since he told his parents when he was 10. The abuse stopped then. The abuser was a trusted adult family friend. It was never spoken of again.
Uncovered actual use of prostitutes much greater than previously admitted to. Last 2-4 years, maybe 15-20 occasions. All but 2 occasions said to be 'Adult massage with hand relief'.
Please believe me, by listing everything I am not minimising my H actions nor the impact they have had on me. I think I have experienced every possible emotion, felt every knife twist in my heart and cried every tear available, all whilst smiling outwardly, maintaining the charade for our beautiful teen-aged children.
I have also discovered many things about me. I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I am codependent or at least have many codependent traits. I held a somewhat idealised view of our marriage and did not see poor communication as a major issue. (Big Mistake!!) Our marriage, whilst ok, could have been much better. I own 50% of our marital issues but none of WH choices. I acknowledge they are his alone.
I have also learned some things about life, indeed, it is not fair. People can tell you that they love you but it wont stop them crushing you. Trust is underrated and now I fear, given way too freely in the past. You can think you know someone intimately, build a life with them, only to have it unravel in front of you, whilst you stand by helplessly and watch. You can't ever unlearn what you have learnt, even if you want to...
Today we are in limbo. We are agreed that until this important academic year is over for our eldest we will not tell anyone anything. 8 months ago that seemed like an impossible task but here we are in August already I have seen an IC just to save my sanity. That and SI have been my much needed sounding board!
I love my H. I would like to travel the road of R. I would like a stronger, more honest and fulfilling marriage with him. I see several obstacles however.
My H needs to love himself before he can love me the way I deserve to be loved, before we can have the marriage we both deserve. He needs to be well for his own sake and for that of our children who look up to him and need him to be present. He needs IC. He is reluctant and I can understand why. He is fearful. He has maintained this secrecy for over 37 years and as he says, opening up and talking about 'it' goes against every grain of his being. I get that, I really do. He says he even regrets telling me now.
I know this decision has to be his. He has to be willing to do the work necessary. I can be there every step of the way, to dry his tears, to listen when he needs to be heard and just to hold him when he needs to be held but I can not do the work required. I have learnt that through my reading since DDay.
I have the luxury of time. I don't have to make any hard and fast decisions just yet. I don't have to act on anything right this minute. Today I sit here typing this feeling relatively calm, resigned even. Tomorrow, I know I will probably be a basketcase, lamenting the direction my life has taken, especially since the recent changes have been well out of my control. Such is the roller coaster.
I am very grateful to SI for this thread. It helps enormously to know that my H and I are not alone. It also helps to read what people have shared with regard to things they have done that were helpful and things which were not. I am guided by what I read both here and from suggested texts by others. I am inspired by what people have posted and it keeps me ever hopeful. Thank you, each and everyone posting.
[This message edited by obliviousnownumb at 11:53 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]
Waiting@home posted 8/16/2012 00:08 AM
Does anyone know where the post is about a SA survivor and being told they are wrong? I read it a couple of days ago and have been searching for the post.
I saw something about how a survivor struggles when told that they are doing something wrong and how they become defensive. I feel this way. A friend made several controlling remarks over the past month. I couldn't stand it any longer so I let them know that I didn't appreciate being judged by them or made to feel that my way of doing things is wrong.
If anyone knows where the blurb is about being defensive, please let me know.
momxgbg posted 8/16/2012 16:30 PM
In regards to the sex and intimacy issue. My primary language is touch. We have frequent sex. Survivors tend to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other, there is very little in between.
I find it very interesting that some abuse survivor's primary language is touch...including mine!!! It floored me and my IC!! I would have never guessed my language was touch, but the more I thought about it and the more I talked to my IC...I discovered that touch HAS to be my primary language...but non-sexual touch.
I need my WH, friends and family to touch me in non-invasive ways and respect my boundries. When they do this, it shows me that I am special to them. That they are really thinking about me and what I need, and that they care.
Don't get me wrong, my WH and I have sex, but it is the hand holding, playing with my hair, patting my knee touches that show me I am special to him. That he values me for more than just sex.
Once I realized that I needed non-sexual, non-hurtful touch...I understood why touch was my primary language. And it made it easier for my WH to really respond to my primary language. He realized how he needed to show me that he loved and valued me.
Hope this realization helps some of you too.
Many hugs to us all.
[This message edited by momxgbg at 4:31 PM, August 16th (Thursday)]
VD2012 posted 8/16/2012 20:51 PM
I don't know exactly what I want to ask, so I'm just going to toss out stuff and hope you folks understand.
During the beginning of my relationship with my fWW I divulged in her all sorts of things that happened to me throughout my life, because its been quite eventful and awful. One such incident happened when I was 6. A guy around the corner of my house had a tent set up in his large front yard and a friend and I went into it late at night, well past when I should have been home. I don't even remember why. Anyways, the guy zipped up the tent and said he was going to show us something and we had to do as he asked. He then proceeded to pull his penis out of his pants and said we had to touch it if we wanted out. I freaked out, may or may not have touched it, and I kicked him square in the mouth, unzipped the tent and went running home. When I got there it was extremely late (well after 12am I'm sure) and my father decided to spank me with his belt before I could explain where I was or what happened. Until I told my fWW, and I guess now, I never told anyone about that. I don't know what happened with my friend and I never saw him around school after that.
Honestly, this has never phased me much. I've always been more upset that I abandoned my friend like that to save my own skin (probably why I have some sort of guardian/protector complex now) than by the fact some sicko tried molesting me. That said, telling her this prompted my wife to tell me very vague stories of when she was also a kid. One of which she was trapped in a house and a guy was going to touch her but her mom showed up and nothing much came of it.
She finally just told me the other day what really happened to her. And it crushed my spirit a bit. I just tried comforting her and held onto her. To think someone could do that to a kid, but also to my wife, just pisses me off. Now, a few things have arisen from this:
1. I absolutely loathe the very essence of my MIL. She's the one my wife told and she got the police involved, and that was that. No therapy, no talking about it ever. She never mentioned it. This woman has mentally traumatized my fWW throughout her life and I've even bourne witness to just how depraved she is mentally. This just worsens it. We have a daughter of our own, and if that ever happens to her... fuck, we'd actually deal with it. Therapy, talking, consoling, prosecution, everything that was needed for her to feel better. The big issue... we've been trying to schedule the first meeting we'll have had with her in over 4 and a half years, and now I dislike her even more than I did. Yay...
2. I honestly, don't quite know how to handle this to be frank. I don't know how to talk about it, don't know what to do. I told her it was very brave of her to tell me, and that I'm proud of her. That I won't pry (I did ask a couple questions for clarification of things but nothing too bad) and if she needs to talk I will listen. I even told her I'm not bothered that she "lied" (as she feels she did) when she first told me, that I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with let alone by yourself. That said, I have no clue exactly how to help her or what to do, if anything. I know "be there for her" is obvious. Just, is there more? We're on a waiting list for a MC that uses a sliding scale, and can't afford other counselling options at the moment.
3. This has really altered the way I've been looking at her A. To be concise, she had an affair with a nearly 20 year older married coworker who fed into her desire for a friend and mentor of sorts. fWW had that with my mother, but she died last year and that was a big part of my fWW's spiraling issues. This man manipulated her and used coercive behaviour to get sex out of her, and strung her along on the hopes of him "listening to her" again like the first time they really talked. She's said emphatically, and texts do back it up a bit and I believe her, that she had no intent to cheat but when he pushed the sex onto her she couldn't say no out of fear of possibly being raped and just because she couldn't and she didn't want to make him upset with her. I honestly have not understood that... Is that possibly linked to her experience as a child? Same reason she says she started sexual texts with him after trying to end it and he refused or convinced her to keep talking to him. Her second sexual encounter happened weeks later and pretty much was a result of him telling her he'll talk to her again but only if they meet (and he apparently knew something about her that would shatter her world), at that point he refused to talk through text, only in person, but to get him to meet in person he wanted her to agree to go down on him. She did. She then did so and says she didn't think he was really serious but when in the situation again did it anyways hoping to get him to talk to her and make him happy. I found out days later.
What could her experience as a child influence with this?
I guess other relevant info to have is she (prior to the A) was only ever with me sexually. We're each other's firsts in every way. She has turned down countless guys prior to me, and has said she wanted to be with me because I looked at her like a person not a sexual object. Any sexual activity we ever started was always initiated by her because that's how I told her it would be, because I respected her and would wait or go at her pace however she felt. We've generally always had a healthy sex life, and prior to early this year she never so much as looked at another guy let alone flirted. Yet she went into overdrive with flirting at work earlier this year and being secretive and all that leading up to and including her A.
It's really stumped me and got me wondering.
When questioned about her A, prior to know about her molestation, she said many things that seemed odd to me. Like being fearful in OM's van and kind of feeling uncomfortable around him. That when they had sex she just wanted it over with... like seriously I gues is, yeah she betrayed me by going out with this guy but then it seemed he sexually assaulted her. Then she continued the relationship for whatever reason until I caught her... Is that normal? It really complicates things.
Same with her behaviour after her night our for "coffee with a friend". She had a super long bath and came out bright pink with obvious scrub marks. She even cried herself asleep with a stuffed animal I got her a long time ago that she only sleeps with when upset. Me being a buffoon just assumed she was upset about us. In the following weeks of her A, while at home, she looked up dozens of stories about women cheating on their mates. She looked at lots of websites (including Project Unbreakable) about rape and such. She even started talking about men being pigs and only wanting one thing (that being sex). And the showers. The constant multi hour long bath/showers with blistering hot water. I even tried to join her one day and burnt myself. It was all odd behaviour, that before D-Day I wasn't sure what to make of it, and after D-Day I figured was a sign of her guilt during the A , but now... now I wonder how this relates to everything.
She's even said since telling me about the molestation, that it's come back into her mind because of the A. Because her experience with the OM reminded her of it.
I really hope all my rambling has made sense...
momxgbg posted 8/16/2012 22:56 PM
Although while I, personally, don't think abuse is a reason for an affair, I do believe abuse can play a part in a WS's reasoning because abuse shapes so much in a person.
I don't know what your WS's abuse was like...so I can't answer for her...but I can give you some insight into me and maybe that will help you understand her.
Now, to answer some of your questions on how this could happen. Speaking strickly from personal experience...as a childhood sexual abuse survivor I have horrible boundries. Really, really horrible. I cannot STAND people around me to be upset, in any way. And the closer, emotionally, I am to this person only exaggerates the feelings. This is something I work very hard on because it can/will/ and does consume my life.
For me, as a child...anyone not happy go lucky ...was danger.
A stranger, my mother, a babysitter...
especially my mom. If she was happy-go lucky...then that meant she was drunk or high and "forgot" about my brother and I...which was absolutely wonderful...
because when she remembered us...the abuse would begin. Sometimes broken bones, sometimes just slaps, sometimes on "loan" to pay for her habits.
So now at 37...I am just learning to set boundries. I have spent my whole life conforming to what I thought someone else wanted in me to keep them happy. Them being happy, to me, meant no pain of any kind... I am just now learning who I REALLY am, because I have spent my whole life changing from minute to minute depending on who I was around. Whether I had known them my whole life or for only a few minutes...I would become whatever kept them happy.
This included doing things I did NOT want to do, because it made them happy. And trust me...sometimes I could have said no and the other person would not have hurt me at all...but my ingrained/learned response is to avoid conflict and unhappiness at any cost.
This even drives my OCD and perfectionism today...because as a child, if I was perfect and did everything just right, then maybe - just maybe...my mom or the babysitter's boyfriend would forget I was there. If nothing drew their attention...sometimes I could disappear.
Even now, to step out of these comfort zones causes me extreme anxiety, to the point I am almost crippled.
It took 2 years! of therapy and my oldest girl developing into a young woman (physically) for me to finally gather enough strength to confront my mom, and to finally say there will be no contact between her, my stepdad and my children. And it still wasn't for me...it was to protect my children.
Along with all of my boundry problems comes the inability to trust that someone would help. My Mom knew about the abuse, hell...she did most of it. But my Dad also knew (my folks were divorced) auynts and uncles knew, I vividly remember telling a teacher and you bet that at least some doctor's knew as they treated broken bones and "other" injuries. But you know what? No one ever took us from her. No one ever saved us, no one helped. It happened over and over and over...for years.
So I also "learned" to never tell, never complain. No one was going to help anyway.
I hope this helps you understand? some with your WS. I want to reiterate that abuse does not cause an A, but the psychological and lingering effects can affect a person for the rest of their life.
It has takem me over 2 years of weekly IC appt.'s to even be able to talk this openly about what happened and be able to step back a bit and realize why I do...what I do.
I hope this helps you a little bit.
Good luck to you both.
[This message edited by momxgbg at 11:06 PM, August 16th (Thursday)]
VD2012 posted 8/17/2012 21:32 PM
Thank you for the response. Yes it did help.
I know that her abuse as a child isn't a reason or excuse for her actions now, but I've just been trying to figure out how exactly that sort of experience would shape someone's mind.
It's made sense of some of the things she told me about the A that made no sense before, and now trying to learn how sexual abuse affects people is enlightening.
It's no excuse for her A obviously, but does help paint a better picture of how she got to that point.
Fractured.Us posted 8/19/2012 03:02 AM
Haaaa, where to start. Seeing the thread the other day in General about being a SAS and A. I told my story. I've only once written about it before that, and was not too long after dday2. I guess the A made me think more about myself. I don't know what I want to say actually. I don't even really know if I still hold anger or resentment from CSA. Perhaps just apathy?
My coping mechanism was, and still is, to compartmentalize. I didn't know what that was until coming to SI and reading about it. I buried everything deep within me to cope. Back then, to survive rest of my chidhood in as much "normalcy" I can muster. Did a damn good job, as not even my best friends ever suspected anything and everyone thought I was so damn emotionally balanced and stable, lol. I had no issues with intimacy, developing relationships, etc. just hid my dark secret very well and NEVER let it show outwardly whatever effects it may have had on me. To this day, I have constant contact with my abuser. No feeling of enmity. Just knowledge that this person no longer can have any hold on me and I am no longer afraid. My long term SA was between age ten until almost 15, when I finally started growing some balls to plan avoidance and develop subtle passive resistance tactics to discourage or make the abuse not possible. Yes, it stopped. I guess he figured he can no longer coerce or scare me into compliance without things blowing up.
There are times the memories pop up, and different scenes play out in my head without me being able stop it. Sometimes during sex, sometimes when alone doing something mundane, or sometimes triggered by what I see or hear. Every one of those instances, I let it play out and ignore while I continue whatever I was doing.
Weird? Lately I have been wondering though if I am just a cold, calculating weirdo. Or is it that I have come to accept that it was something I could not control therefore could not change? I honestly don't know. Before the A, my H never had issues with my intimacy or affection. Ok, except during couple of years after our second child when we had virtually no sex life - that ended up to be due to PPD meds and BC pills.
Now, post A, I sometimes think that I am again trying to box up my emotions and bury it. Maybe right next to some of my childhood memories...
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