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If the stress in your life is more than you can cope with, get help right away.
Everyone faces challenges in their lives. Some issues are financial, some are personal and some are professional. Regardless of the name tag or the name on the door, regardless of the paycheck or the bankroll, everyone experiences adversity.
I run marathons and train with a group of other runners. Over the course of 16 miles or so, people share their stories, the good and the bad. I'm always struck by the fact the struggles are fundamentally the same — the prodigal son, the estranged daughter, the retiree who feels unappreciated, the spouse who wants companionship but receives only rejection.
What I find truly fascinating is that although the issues may be the same, the way people respond varies greatly. Some individuals deal with a crisis head on, with poise and dignity, while others melt down and cease being able to function.
Where do the survivors find their resiliency? What does the hardy person have that the more fragile individual lacks? Is it spiritual energy? Mental fortitude? Creativity? Perseverance?
Please share your thoughts.
Edward T. Creagan, M.D.
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just feel used and abused by the mental health so called pros. I only heard the name Disthymia after a lifetime of meds and struggling, "just keep taking the tablets" seemed to be the mantra
The person who has crumpled to the floor in tears, and the person who keeps on fighting those damn demons of fear, anxiety, depression, are both the same beautiful sensitive and strong resilient human being on different days. Some years I'm a frequent flyer in my VA Psych Ward, and some years I glide through life with barely a bump or five. The way I see it, if I am alive, I'm winning. 56.5 years and satan hasn't taken me yet, even though I have been on the cusp of being one of the 22 on more occasions than I care to remember. Even the strongest among us can tire. Imagine if you will, treading water for 2 to 5 years at a time, no land in sight, sharks around. That is what it is to live through an episode of organic depression. I've had them since I was a child, nine years old was the first time I felt able to put a name to it, I called it "all the time sad". I tried to kill mysellf by overdosing on aspirin when I was 12. Why you would think some are strong and others are "fragile", is beyond me. You need to listen to the stories. ALL of us are strong, the things we've dealt with would likely kill others, it's just that some of us are stronger and that is what you are seeing. When I had the mother of all PTSD breakdowns/severe depression, I finally chose therapy after fighting it for two years. In the VA setting you will have to tell your story over and over again to god knows how many doctors and interns, It got to where I had to disassociate to do it, but one time I came to in the middle, the sound of the psychologists tears brought me back. I felt guilty for making her cry. We are very sensitive people, it's as if we have no skin, no covering for our raw nerves. You may notice that those of us who are very sensitive have a corresponding sensitivity to pain as well. So yeah, to live we have GOT to be strong. Don't ever think we aren't no matter what we look like on the outside. Choosing life each day, voluntarily living in emotional, mental, and physical pain and torment, his huge, and if I manage a shower and clean clothes during an episode of depression, that was far far larger than you will ever understand. Then, if I am dealing with PTSD symptoms too, leaving the house is enormous. I cannot remember the last time I felt safe enough to leave the house without my boyfriend or my friend. Still, if I choose life, I AM kickass strong, why? Do you know any normal people who would choose this life?
For all those people who are still in Denial with there mental illness and your family members who also suffer with you, friends or colleges. There is hope for all of you, just remember this illness that I , you and your loved one suffers from ,we and we alone will always suffer from this this unexplainable devastating condition. You just can't explain a feeling like this. stop trying to hide that your mind is ill, because we do have a bueitiful mind it just has a glitch , a hurdle so please go get help we are worth it, and confide in GOD he will hold you up.
Today at 55 I finally had my question answered, what the hell is wrong with me. I gotta admit ,it was truly astonishingly exuberant. Yeah!!finall im marking it up that great big hill. Thanks to all those caring educated people, who painlessly thru sleeps nights and sacrificed part there life to help intelligent people like me, this day is my day of celebration to the start of freedom, I just can't convey enough in words to thank everyone single one of you for all your hard work. Hats off to you!!! Thank you also universe. [Now I am going to dance jig of JOY
I find the comment about those meeting crisis head on "with poise and dignity" as opposed to "cease being able to function" highly offensive. I have been dealing with this for years, and have been through many situations in varying degrees of crisis. I have apparently made it through them all as I am still here. Some I am proud of how I was able to handle them, others not so much. It depended on my mental state at the time and how much was going on. When you feel dead inside there is nothing, no joy, no hope and certainly no poise and dignity. You get through one day, one hour, one second at a time. That is how it is for me and the strength and courage it takes to keep going is something that no one can see or measure.
A study at the time of the AT&T divestiture in the early 1980s showed that some executives, threatened by loss of their jobs, were "hardy", responded by what were called the 3 Cs:
Commitment: see it through, not give up, stick head in sand (AKA denial), etc.
Control: of what they could control, letting go of what they could not control.
Challenge: looking for what good could come of this situation.
Apparently it worked for them; typically they ended up in higher paying jobs elsewhere.
But I find this applies to any life crisis.
Pardon me but I find your definition of resiliency quite contrived and pretentious. As I understand the definition of resiliency to make the ability to quickly become whole after experiencing trauma. Now as I see it, and I suffer from this disorder to explain it away as such is such a narrow view of what really happens. I've suffered the torture's of the damned, torture's of the damned! Does that not make me resilient by the mere posting of this comment? Truth at any age, mental stability or not you will forever be scarred whether you ststaind damage mental or physical and no matter how much you recover, the scars remain. In short o fond your assessment to be remedial at best and again, pardon me
Creativity and Spiritual aspects that hardy persons have and more fragile lacks.
"Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape."
Reading all the varied comments makes me think that resiliency is not just one 'thing', or trait or behaviour. Rather, it is a collection of traits/conditions/experiences, on a continuum, just like most aspects of human behaviour. We all have some measure of natural resilience, but it can also be learned through experiences such as meditating (whether faith-based or not), or from relationships with others (read people or creator). Depending on our personality, whether we are more internally driven or externally influenced, and the nature of our support system, we can overcome adversity given the tools necessary (both physical and psychological). And some people just need a little more or less help from others along the way.
I have lived with a medical condition for the last five years that forced me to change my occupation, learn to break tasks down into sizable portions, and find creative ways to do things while I manage wearing a compression garment from the waist down and daily give myself treaments. Some would see my strength but I have struggled emotionally, physically and financially from this and the road to wholistic well being is in process. Spiritually it all matters and has helped me to learn what it means to be human and who I am beyond my physical body. Thank God for wonderful supportive friends, neighbors and my physicians at the Mayo Clinic for restoring hope when there was none!
I have learned a new perspective that will help remind me to not give up when life is hard...remember that sometimes a person may not have control in what happens in their life; good or bad. What makes the real difference in a positive outcome is that we have the control and power in how we DEAL with or cope with situations. Perhaps attitude has a lot to do with resiliency.
I find it interesting that the question was basically, "where do you get your resiliency." And some people's answer was basically just bragging about a strong resiliency, with no answer. It's like being given money & then bragging about it as if it was earned. They just assume we all feel the same, perhaps some have a tougher fight & less energy to brag about it. I think energy & inspiration are big factors.
I have a nephew who is I and out of jail because of bipolar disease, my younger sister has a rare cancer-40% cancer of living, my mother died Last year, and my other sister is in a bad relationship and afraid she will be homeless. I am good at listening to their problems and being support, but it was just too much last year. On the bright side I discovered that I have sleep apnea which exasperates depression, so with treatment I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Is that being resilient? I don't know. I do know I don't my depression out on my husband-he is understanding and I can do my work well (it will be better now that I feel happy) is that resident?
My resiliency comes from my faith. Also, for me, failure is not an option, giving up is also not an option. I may have to do something different to accomplish my goal, but something inside of me would not allow me to just give up and throw in the towel on my life, no matter how depressing it may appear at the time. I refuse to give up, especially when the odds are against me!
I find resiliency in my children. I am far from perfect, but in all my failures in my spousal relationship, I have pushed forward for their needs. Sadly because of that, one day I will deal with empty nest syndrome. Sadly finances keep a lot of people from "starting over"
I agree with what Mike said on August 18th. The flip side however,
is that you will NEVER be able to help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. It doesn't matter how much you plede or beg, you CHANGE change people's minds for them, do anything for them, until they decide to help themselves.
I sure wish I were one of those who could just "shake it off".
Once you understand and accept that life is difficult and not fair and experiences of life are unique, you realise that there remains nothing to lose and from that moment you starts feeling bliss and serenity in life.
Agree with BARBARA that The ability to survive depends on a strong will to keep going no matter what, no matter that you do not know what comes next.
Everyone will experience adversity at sometime in their lives. Sometime ago, I realize that the ability to 'quiet' or slow down one's mind is very important. Over the years, I have strived to emulate the philosophy as written in the Desiderata. I don't read it everyday, but usually it's when I need a 'course correction' ... much like you would use a compass to navigate through both calm and rough seas.
When I am faced with a crisis, I always keep in mind that there's always a way by being creative.
Things or actions done when you were a child, with no controls available to you, can't be changed or time wasted on thinking about them. What you do with your life as an adult, that makes all the difference. Things happen to me as a child and an adult, I was the victim. But now I am a confident adult that uses good to do good, and make a better way for myself and my family. I have achieved success and feel anyone can do it. Just don't live with negativity. Surround your self with positive motivated people, it's contagious
All i would like to say is read or watch THE SECRET,it help me on so many ways.Enjoy
I've had a bucket load of problems in my life, many of them threatened to wipe me out as a person. Strangely I tend not to look outside myself for help but rather to keep walking. Being African by birth I resort to the stories I'm told within my culture (Euro-African-Colonial culture)and one such example is how to eat and elephant viz. one bite at a time. This is only half helpful considering I have no intention of eating an elephant at any time in my life, however, I have my own version of it. I imagine that the problem is so big that I can't go even one more step with my feet, so I untie my shoe laces and use the laces to pick each foot up one at a time. Somehow this gives me the extra stretch in the elastic(another comment in this blog). If your feet don't work - use your hands and if they don't work, imagine you can etc etc. Each time you are taking only one bite or the whole elephant. If all else fails - read other people's blogs they know stuff we as individuals don't. LOL Yeah that too - Laugh yourself out of it.
I would say, self centeredness. I'm a bit more fragile, caring, etc with a conscious. I mourn heavily because I care deeply, etc. The individuals you refer to are tougher because all they care about is themselves, what others can do for them, etc.....when a hardship happens, they can just blow it off and make some money
Wish I could remember where this quote comes from but I keep it posted: "Crisis is Opportunity in Working Clothes"...Which also leaves you on your own or finding when you have to ask for help. I don't know where resilience comes from either but everyone seems to have some. The elderly folks I know are remarkably resilient despite how they may look, respond or act. Blogs surely are welcome in this arena aren't they?
I broke my back and became paralized 6mos ago. I'm gaining movement in my legs and have a great chance to walk again. I exorcise and push them hard and often. Not giving up on that chance because I have hope. However, all of the 'what ifs' and lack of pacience drive me insane. I can't figure out how to turn it off to sleep at night. I know there's a butt load of examples to be positive like standing, or walking short distances with a walker. But for me its not enough. Until I can walk and gain control of my bladder and bowels, how will this ever be OK? I try so hard to be positive but the negative thoughts always creep in. Persevering all the while but doing it the hard way. I NEED mind control...
I came here for some "help." Oddly the headline was totally wrong, given the Doc here seems obtuse and the only answers to it is in the comments. Thank goodness a few people here are selfless and share their good ideas for de-stressing.
The reason why some are more resilient than others is because they have more rubber left in their rubber band. Each of us were given just so much rubber to snap back and eventually with too much stress, you can run out of it and will be an over-extended rubber band or you snap and break in 2 and will never be able to recover as a healthy person might.
A person who has people close die, a divorce, a job loss or other major stress and have them overlap before they have recovered and healed will have even less rubber than those around them.
Think of those who are not coping well this way, rather than look down upon them. if you have recovered and are well, give them some time and use your excess rubber to help them rather then tell them to "get well" or "get over it" or "quit being so negative" or "look on the bright side"
Do not abandon them.... which is advocated by society... (if someone is negative, surround yourself with only positive people...) perhaps they are too poor to buy the nutritional foods they need to cope, perhaps they have gone through many hardships at once and haven't taken (or know) the steps or know the steps to healing.
Helping others can help you if you are dow
There is a wonderful book out on resilience called "Search for Man's Meaning" by Viktor Frankl- written a while ago- it cuts to the absolute essence of "Carrying On"...It's called - a purpose! Today folks either have not accepted/found their purpose or lack the tools to pursue that purpose
I believe resiliency it s an skill which you can learn, It is training of your mind. I have been a victim of quite a bad relationship which after years of going to court and conflicts eventually came to an end. It took me over a year to train myself and fight my inner sadness negative thoughts to overcome the setback. I still have my weak moments were I find it hard to cope with my toddler, work and family however I can easily snap out of it and start over again. I am naturally an unhappy and pessimistic person but I have trained myself to look at things with quite a neutural point of view rather than personally and emotionally.
It may seem paradoxical but I believe resilience comes from humility. A true sense of perspective of ourselves and others.
The ability to survive depends on a strong will to keep going no matter what, no matter that you do not know what comes next.
Did it ever occur to the author that even those who appear less able to cope with life's challenges may also demonstrate "poise and dignity?"
It's all relative. And what you see on the surface during your runs may not be a good indicator of reality - a person talking out their stress may be handling it better and more thoroughly than the person focused on keeping up an appearance of competence. Food for thought...
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the comments of others about their person experience and ways of coping with life's challenges. I have come to learn that happiness and resilience is a choice. I used to be depressed more than not. I chose to hold on to past offenses and abandonment from my mom and then would be angry and bitter and would take it out on myself and my loved ones. I was wrapped up in it and miserable. I discovered that through all of this I had a very loyal and best friend who never ever let me down or abandoned me, Jehovah God. He has truly taught me through his word the bible and answered prayers how to rely on him, make good choices, love myself and others and that life is an endurance race not a speed race. Its not how many times you fall that he looks at but how many times you get back up!
Since rawing closer tomy heavenly father, I now have many mothers and sisters and brothers that support me and cheer me on and vice versa. I wish that everyone would give him an opportunity to show his love and strength in your behalf:) all it takes prayer and faith. Give him an inch and he will take you 10,000 miles:) I've experienced it! Thanks for this article and all the encouraging comments. ~Vania
Keep Calm and Carry On!
divorced after 30 years of marriage & dating since 9th grade. the demise of my marriage came over a decade ago. the reality of drug & alcohol abuse took its toll. My spouse at the time would use anything that was going wrong in my world to feel that he had cause to vanish from me in a chemically induce world. It did not matter how often I pleaded to him to not take that pill and keep me company, maybe set & talk.... the simplest of affections is what I was reduced to asking for, and being met with the vacant stare and no results spiraled me into years of feeling worthless and alone. I vanished from the world. Hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, therapy for YEARS, still believing the problem was in me, mental health, physical health. Seeking help for myself only fueled his ideas that it was me, nothing he needed to work on. I was simply broken in his eyes, and he felt justified in disappearing into addiction and verbal & psychological abuse. The day I "snapped to" I found myself locked in my car waiting for the police to arrive, scared. He was arrested, I was taken to a safe house. Since I have been getting weekly counseling, I still feel emotionally weak, Shopping one day I walked by a card that made me stop & turn back. Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Be not a slave of your own past ~ plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, swim far, so you shall come back with self respect, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old. hangs
I went through the hardest time in my life over a period of 4 years. I went from having a hand full of servants and help, more than enough money, than I knew what to do with and a loving partner to homeless, unemployed and destitute.
When I look back, I took each day as it came, there were times I felt I should take my own like there was just no point in going on. What stopped me was my son I did not want him to grow up like me, orphaned. I am a single mother. That is all that stopped me on that route.
Beyond that point, some days I just lost all hope. Strange enough the next morning I would go at it again with renewed hope, tried until I made it, after a million tries & failure.
In the middle of the slums, in the company of people I never though'd have anything to do with. I found compassion, and unbearable humanity, that does not exist amongst my own kind. I found little things to amuse myself, like how happy and care free people who have nothing are. Today I work a dead end job, earning not even 1% of what I use to earn, but I have hope, that if I save enough I will start my own business again.
What I can say is that resilient is imbedded in one's personality; it is also build over time through the hardships we encounter. I had a tough childhood, made it through pure hard work, perseverance and hope.
That still stands true to me; through every situation that I encounter, will pass and I will make it, simply because I made it before. And that somewhere out ther
I had no interest in going to a support group although I knew I had to change. I founded and attended a group and became a part of the administration for 20+ years. My key to success was my partner. Without him, I may have given up. He was my inspiration, my drive and my hope. The motto was, "You are not alone." I wasn't. Utilize your partner with agreeable terms. My skills were utilized and am moving on with my experience and knowledge.
We can go from resilient to fragile at any given time and then revert back in the process of ' coping '. I am strong ( told many times by others ) but also sensitive. If I became too resilient and too toughened to life's knocks I would worry I would lose my sensitivity / empathy for others.
Getting knocked over or knocked down makes us wiser the next time. Faith gives us hope and strength to keep standing up because God is watching and will take care of you if you take care of yourself. Who said life was fair? We all have good and bad days, some we manage well and some we fall off board. The challenge and key is to get up when you are ready and move again, with more skills, more tools, more experience and hope that you dont fall down again in the same place!
Choice. Choosing not to give up. Choosing to be optimistic. Choosing to use anger as a tool to make a positive change. Choosing to look beyond ourselves. Resilience.
I think that knowing the truth about life and what's obvious really opens your eyes and see life how it really is in order to understand the problems we come across.in my case knowing the truth about our Bible,for instance knowing the name of our God,Jehovah,is a missing link to society.the list goes on and on.
"Every time you meet a situation you think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than you were before."
? Eleanor Roosevelt
Surround yourself with as many uplifting people as possible. As always, there will always be those who are not.
Don't be a victim.
Bad marriage, divorce her.
Bad job, leave it and get a different one
No second thoughts, no second chances.
The only person you need to empower is yourself.
I will soon be 79 years old and for the past few years depression has been my problem but I didn't recognize the cause. Recently my doctor told my daughter about counseling one of the local hospitals offers and she convinced me to attend the sessions. Finally I have realized how to cope and I look forward to going three days a week to counseling. It really has helped me. If you have such a place to attend (your doctor would know), and if you're having a problem coping with something in your life, this type of counseling would be beneficial to you and I would encourage you to look into it. With the help of God and counseling you can find the resilience you need.
At age 55, I have been pointed to as an example of resiliency--both my parents were alcoholics, abuse ran the gamut in our household, yet I avoided substance abuse and have led a relatively successful life. But I have never been comfortable with the idea that anything I did earned this as compared to my siblings. I see my strength, faith, and optimism as gifts of personality and even chance. It bothers me when the resilient are held up against the less fortunate as if they--the resilient ones--had earned what they had over the less resilient. Sure, it's been hard. I'm proud of my persistence and willingness to seek help. But I do not see those struggling with the same challenges and failing as weaker or having chosen poorly. I've had plenty of weaknesses and poor choices but my temperment and fate have insulated me.
Hardiness may relate to both nature and nurture. Parents who cope well set an example for their children. However, a child who is predisposed to pessimism may not benefit from that example when a stressful situation arises.
"Change is the only constant" by Heraclitus. Many times I remind myself to be patient and endure. The situation/s will change. Sunshine on your face always helps.
We have to live life understanding that on the journey of life there will be changes,disappointments and sometimes loss,we are not always able to predict these events but we have to develop coping strategies quickly when the do occur.The fact is Perseverance is an attitude a frame of mind one develop in times of adversity.Having faith in God or a higher power,faith knowing that you are not alone,faith that the storm will pass eventually.Find purpose in the adversity,there is always a lesson we can learn from every life changing experience.
I have a practice of observing myself for anger. I believe feeling anger is rooted in a basic fears of "some need not being met". Repressing fear and frustration is expressed as anger. Subsequently, anger accumulates and becomes more frequent and disables our coping mechanisms and we become depressed.
Here is how I help myself.. as soon as I notice an angry or fearful thought, I envision myself tossing it up away from myself with a big exhalation and I say to myself "let of your anger" The first day I started this I must have done it over a hundred times!! I had no idea how much I was beating myself up with angry thoughts! It's not going to solve every problem but it has helped me regain some control over myself with has helped to reduce my anxiety and depression. I can see the glass as half full again.
it turns inweard and becomes diablingdepression. depression comes from repressed anger. If I'm at work, home or driving and a angry thought omes from anger
I never understood in my whole life of 25 years what it meant to remain standing even when you felt the circumstances in your life had the upper hand with more power to push you down. Till I met Christ, he showed me that even when you feel like life is caving in be still and hold on to hope, constantly believing that things will change for the better. I never was strong enough to face the battle, but he opened my eyes to see that some of the obstacles we face in life don't have as much power as we think they do over our emotions and thought patterns during those times when we feel like we have no more strength to fight the battle. Jesus is stronger than the circumstances; his power alone can change or get you through any situation. He can enable you with his grace and wisdom to withstand the storms of life.
I have been a counselor in the mental health field for 24 years. I have a doctoral degree and own a private practice where I practice with 9 other clinicians. We frequently speak of resiliency we see in our clients and in one another when we go through our own trials. While all of the posted comments are clearly beneficial, we have identified one primary source of resiliency that many of our clients have in common. That is God. I have been amazed and inspired by the resiliency, faith, and testimony of others. It has spurred me to grow in my own spirituality, and has been of more benefit to me as a care provider than any continuing education class has ever been.
I was once told that stress, disapoointment, anger is increased when your expectations of the person or situation is farther away from what you get. In my case it's relationships....I go for the underdog so to speak and eventually they don't improve their situation that they SAY they wanted to improve and it frustrates me as I expect them to do what they say. And the more and more they don't do as they promised the more angry I get and unfortunately I'm not very composed but fly off the handle. If the expectation level wasn't so different from the reality the anger wouldn't be so severe. So I take that to mean that I should find someone more my equal than try to change someone who SAYS they want to change their life but don't do the required steps to do so. Easier said than done sometimes!
I have definitely had my fair share of stress in my life,probably more than most. I believe positive makes positive and negative makes negative. At the time I am a care taker, counselor for family members who are not well or having problems and need my help. Some times the stress is so trying, and the rest of my life gets put on hold, It can be so demanding and tiring at times all I can do is cry. But the positive is I am where I need to be and those close to me are still with me.If I wasn't here for them I am not sure they would be here today! I think god never gives you any thing you don't work hard for! When the stress is more than I can handle I make time to have a few hours away from every thing. Those few hours rejuvenate me and my well being. I know that making the wrong decisions under stress can have a negative reaction in my life and consequences I may regret. So when the stress gets too much, I take my self out of it for a while. It makes you feel much better when there is nothing you can do about the situation other than helping them heal.
Who goes the distance and why is the subject of positive psychology, well known to the guys from Harvard: Tal Ben Shahar, Shawn Achor.
At 69 yrs of age, and having experienced my share of adversity. Am healthy, active, myFaith and strong belief in my God...my heavenly father. Have helped with a strong sense of enjoyment over beauty of nature..appreciation....optimism...and hope..forgiveness, as well as desire to help and encourage others. A desire to form new friendships, Learn new things..curiousity.... I might add my daughter...who does not share my strong faith.says..my having no bitterness or envy...over circumstances from a broken marriage...said "God did that" ( meaning its the only reason she can think of that i did not feel long term negative feelings)..am told i also look younger than my biological age. Although i dont worry about natural aging either.
Love this post! when you have a doub you can ask away...
Therapists get paid for a reason...less stress for you...let your friends consult them. Stay off the phone at night. Enjoy parks. Free and social. Keep your things moving...if you add one give two away.
My help comes from the Lord. I am 53 a mother of 21 and 16 yr old daughters. My husband of 21 years left us after he just couldnt deal with all the mess that was continually going on in our lives. There was no communication or love between us only pain and suffering. Our oldest daughter went away to college three weeks later. The next week we had to put our home of 10 years up for sale. Our 16 year old daughter was slipping away in anger and desperation. That was all two years ago. Today, because of our Savior, we are still here and healing. Without Him, we would have never made it through. I am eternally grateful.
My childhood wasn't very good after my mother died of breast cancer in 1972..I was 7. My stepmother abused me which led to low self esteem and accepting being in abusive relationships with men, until I became depressed and found a wonderful counselor who helped me with self esteem, stress, and that gave me the courage to break the cycle of abuse I had been in. At age 32 I was a divorced single mother with a small child when I learned I had cervical cancer, stage IV. I was working and going to college. Spirituality and family and friend's support helped me get through this, along with alot of tears. Once the tears were gone, I actually felt stronger and knew which people in my life were going to be there for me through the worst time in my life. Having someone to take care of (my son was a toddler at the time) helped me to focus on loving him and the task at hand, rather than feeling sorry for myself. In sports and school I always had the ability to concentrate and focus. Now, at age 47, I have alot of medical/chronic pain issues and try to get through every day using the coping mechanisms I did when I had cancer. I can't work, but once my son leaves for college, I plan to get back into writing, which I've done off and on since I learned to read and write..I love it. I believe that being idle leads to depression. I am careful not to overwork myself though, as that leads to stress. I hope the methods I used to cope can help someone else.
I have had a pretty bad child hood, been bullied all through school then been in an abusive relationship with an ex partner. I refuse point blank to allow anyone to make me feel low or useless. I'm not sure how I never crumble but I do believe its all in the mind and you can definitely control how you take a situation
I did not mean to suggest that one should bend to all pressures of the world, or that one should be meek or fickle or have nothing they would stand for whether standing firm may result in being broken or not. But, being resilient also involves (and this is critical; critical enough that I could not sleep without posting this addendum) pride in one's self. Confidence. Knowing you are worthy of getting back up, and therefore owe it to the rest of us to do so. More importantly though, knowing that you owe it to yourself to get back up. Everyone of value will doubt their value, and so remember that your doubts of your worth prove your worth. Also remember that confidence is a self-fulfilling prophecy; unfortunately, self-deprecation is as well.
Since when were the insights of the intelligent and the wise allowed to be posted on the internet?? Anyway, here's my two cents, as succinctly and efficiently as I can think to put it: The oak may seem to be a pillar of fortitude, but in a strong enough wind it will either stand straight or be destroyed. The willow will bend and yield to the wind, but when the wind passes it is still a willow rather than firewood or fertilizer. Be the willow, because no one can control the wind.
Hope-- It's the restoration of hope that restores the path to resiliency. Been there. Know that.
I've had my share of unbelievable experiences in my life. I believe it takes a combination of all the things that you mentioned . Mental strength that I gained in Martial Arts , survival from hearing my grandma's life difficulties made me feel I can't survive anything , a positive mental attitude together with, a self improved sense of humor, courage to say," this situation (whatever it is ),might bring me down , but when I get up it will be war". I brought all this out of my head when my beautiful 4 year old daughter was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma ,an aggressive form of cancer .he had a bone marrow transplant in 1992 donated from her sweet 8 year old sister . I was temporarily insane and she is still here , she is 25 yrs old but we won that fight !She is a Miracle of Science .
Prior to training martial arts, health was average but stress was above average. Through physical and mental training I have seen many positive changes. Exercise releases endorphins in the brain, making me feel happy and confident. Mental training by fighting through obstacles in class, ie trying to do something I wasn't able to do before and seeing that I am able if I am patient and I give it my best shot. I've learnt to hone my energy. I've learnt how breathing properly will assist all of my muscles to relax while still maintaining efficiency (same for my brain and heart, they're muscles too, read up on it :p) I have trained myself to be more disciplined, not wanting to give up, to keep pushing and this has projected into my career as well, when previously I might have turned away from projects/opportunities or other in the workplace, now I am confident in my abilities to take on the next challenge, I have earned respect for myself and peers and if I come across a situation I cannot handle alone, whether at home, work or in class, I will no longer shy away from asking for help. To sum up, I believe in me and in ability that is within all of us, if we'd only commit more. I believe strongly that all schools should teach martial arts, maybe it will help develop good qualities in kids and continue to spread positivity. Overall, you need a positive outlet, exercise more, sleep more regularly, eat right and smile. Enjoy!
Making the decision to not accept defeat - to get up and fight - not someone else, but whatever adversity we are facing.
D-man talks about "knowing you have another fight in you". To take on a fight, you have to believe not only that you can win, but that you can do it without giving up your soul. Most of those I've met that call themselves "resilient" are fighters, and are willing to inflict pain to win. When inflicting pain is repugnant, then "winning" is meaningless, at best. So for me, resiliency is to be able to "suffer the slings and arrows" without taking up arms. To some, this might look like giving up, but I try to pay attention to the people and situations that offer comfort, not conflict.
I think that the source of the survivors is a combination of all: spiritual energy, mental fortitude, creativity and perseverance, and of course to love and feel loved and to have the support of your family or loved ones.
Getting knocked down and feeling the need to get back up again, knowing you have another fight in you... That is how I see it. I get knocked down multiple times in a day sometimes. It can be the smallest things that come out of nowhere or a decision I was waiting for that did not go my way that floors me, who knows. Resiliency is getting up, wiping yourself off and moving on with your life. I think I'll always have one more fight in me, and at times getting up is the toughest thing I have ever done, at least it feels like it... I have always felt better after getting up, always. I am grateful I have another fight left in me today!
Positive energy, Creativity.
Dr. Jack Block wrote first on this, if you're interested. But resilience can be described as a fixed trait if your intent is that of the personality psychologist. If you wish to understand actual behavior, it is better to understand resilience as an attribute that while having a fixed range (high, med,low) it is still a range within which the so-called trait can vary tremendously.
And to the extent that you restrict discussion of a personality trait as something that inherently does not vary over time, you've artificially constrained discussion based on a false presupposition.
This is areal I have a friend,really not me.My friend comes from a horrific abusive childhood.Alcoholic father,watching sibblings physically abused,and no memories before 10 years old.A bad marriage and she relives events everyday,and talks repeatedly about these events no matter what anyone is talking about.I very much care for her and wish I could help,it is so negative and she gets upset if you ask her to stay on the positive.Any ideas,she was in couselling for 3 years,but it was not a good experience as even the counsellor would fall asleep and essentially not hear her!! Amazing!!
I think faith in God and who God made you to be and confidence in that helps you become more resilient. being a go getter and being a 'tough cookie' with a gentle forgiving heart also helps. compassion, wisdom and knowing the facts and being a problem solver and not a victim or problem maker will help as well. gratitude for simple blessings is also a virtue as well as patience with others as well as yourself. that is it. also don't let circumstances rule you!!! take positive action on them!
Perseverance and strength are great if you've got them, but what if you don't? I suggest brainstorming solutions without limits.
If you don't want to move ever again, make a game out of trying to remain completely still as long as you can. Tomorrow, if you still feel like you don't ever want to move again, try to remain completely still even longer. It may make you itch to want to move.
If you're too tired to clean the kitchen, stay in bed. But think about a genie cleaning your kitchen. Imagine in detail what that genie is doing, step-by-step. Is the genie cleaning the floor with wet socks on her feet? How funny! But, you might be able to do that. Is the genie sitting down on the kitchen floor after washing just one plate? That could be done...
Also, brainstorm on how you can reward yourself after getting tasks done. Play in a puddle in a rainstorm? That's free. Try to sing and dance at the same time like a real pop star? Write 'I hate cleaning the kitchen!' until you fill a whole piece of paper? Pound your pillow as hard as you can for five minutes because you hate always having to do chores? All these rewards are pretty much free. And fairly safe.
Try to be really flexible in how you do things, and you may be able to get more done, happier, than you might expect.
Life is not a set of destinations. It is a constant ride-in and out dark and light places. Sometimes what we are here for isn't revealed until much later in our lives-later than we would like. In the meantime, practice, perfect yourself for the big game waiting for you in the end. Both my parents had horrendous childhoods-abuse, alcoholism, poverty, etc. Not until their late 50's are they now realizing their glory as amazing grandparents. It wasn't easy. They worked 50+ years at putting the horrors behind them, healing them and becoming the better people that they worked hard for. Some people can rebound each circumstance w/o event but some need time-. If you keep working at it-reading helpful books, watching helpful tv shows, taking classes to better yourself, surround yourself w/ good, positive people, do what you enjoy-even if it's just feeling the sun on your face one beautiful summer day. Eventually you will get to your light at the end of the tunnel. Karma. What you put out is what you get back. Do your best everyday. Sometimes it may only be getting out of bed but other days it may be volunteering to help others. The road till your end is long, it is a mixed bag, but open your mind to the little things that are put in your life to enjoy, appreciate them, take joy and strength them. Don't underestimate the help a good doctor and/or anti-depressant can give. If you can't find a good Dr or med, keep going to a diff. Dr. until you find the help you need
For Kris that posted on October 19th - you already have resilience :) Look at what you have been through and here you are still on this earth living. Give yourself some credit.
The sincere will and desire to rise above the hurt!
Personally, resilience was given when I **actually** ask for it. If anyone wants something, the first attempt is asking for it. This shows how much they really want the requested.
Being in a stressful and hurtful situation is not wanted- plain and simple. Its the desire to survive the pain, that's the crucial first step to overcoming it!!!
I have witnessed that people who have a religiousness faith, practice it on a regular basis seem more able to handle stress. Those who meditate seem to cut down their stress too.
Take time to enjoy family and make many friends to spend time with too. Find friends to do work activities. This can be fun too. Have work parties and have simple meals with such gatherings or get a plate of food from the local grocery store.
We all have to deal with life struggles and being pushed beyond our limits. Pushed to our breaking point. We are knocked down over and over, some people get up, dust themselves off and move forward. Each time we get knocked down our resiliency is tested. There are some who quit and never get up again, some that lay there and wait for someone to help them get up, and those who never stop getting up and never quit. Those who stand on the side of the road looking for hand out and those who stand outside of home depot ready to work for it. What makes a person give up on themselfs, quit trying, and expect others to carry their weight? Each one of us has a choice. I've been push to my breaking point, at least thats how I felt. But I realize now that I never stopped getting up and kept moving forward until I found the way out. Even when I thought I could not take anymore, I kept getting up! Where there's a will there's a way....
People that demonstrate a belief in there ability to succeed, have an optimistic viewpoint, and a tenacity for life 'go the distance'.
I'm appreciative of people who strive for the best within themselves with a sense of humility and compassion for others.
Resilience is aquired through practice. Listen to your thoughts. When going through a hard time take note of what activities relieved your suffering for the moment. You will want to revisit these activities next time you find yourself in need.
I think that resilience is tied into self esteem. When you have self esteem you are more resilient and able to plan, set goals,and accomplish them while coping with life's up and downs. I also think that resilience allows you to be able to finish your goals that builds self esteem and helps you to not become discouraged when things get tough. People who have had poor role models like me at a young age,alcoholic codependent parents, or have had a major trauma like rape or molestation may or may not have the resiliency to cope with life's ups and downs. My mom was an alcoholic and my dad looked the other way. My brother was the good son and my other brother was the lost child. My one brother the hero, is a slave to his job and the brother who was ignored is laid back and spends times with his family and kids. I was scapegoated and raped as an adult. I finally have found a good psychologist and have forgiven the people who have hurt me. I am now left with building the self esteem I have never had. I know I need to love myself. Then I will be able to set realistic goals that I can accomplish and that will help me become more resilient. I have spent my life sabotaging myself. How do you start building the self esteem that you never had because you were scapegoated all your life by your parents, brothers and others outside your family? Self esteem is what will give me resiliency. Are there any pearls of wisdoms or suggestions?
I am a therapist who works with individuals who suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I trained at the VA hospital with veterans. We know more about resilience now than ever before. Often, to heal from a traumatic event, we need safe coping skills, hope (often found in spirituality, empathic support, and talking about the trauma in a safe environment.
Resiliency CAN be environmental, but it doesn't explain why one sibling turns out one way while another commits suicide. We do know that hope plays a large factor, as does the emotional support one received as a child. If a child grows up feeling supported in times of trouble, they usually feel hope of recovering.
We have learned that Veterans who develop PTSD usually had depression at a younger age, or a traumatic incident or childhood. They have an overworked amygdala that constantly emits cortisol leaving them in a state of constant hyper-arousal. Impulsivity can trigger depression, and witnessing or experiencing trauma can be debilitating. From my personal experience of working with traumatized individuals, the one common trait that plays a part in recovery is hopefulness. However an individual learns or is taught to have hope is a curious matter, but it does factor into resiliency.
We all have moments of feeling hopelessness, but often it passes if we aren't impulsive or don't have poor coping skills. But we cannot as a society teach young men/women to be warriors and expect them to be the same without help.
I have found that, like a young tree, resiliency is not "being strong against", it is the ability to "move with". In the book of Eccles. a very pragmatic verse states that there is a time for everything. A time to grieve, a time to dance. Grieve when it is time. Dance when it is time. Move with it. Let yourself be guided even into the deep valleys. That is resiliency. When you are weak, you are strong.
Thom - thank you. I am you, you are me. I know I can achieve, accomplish, impress, but only for so long and then I throw in the towel. I feel as though I sort of "fake" who I am, just for the sake of the moment or where I am in my life at any one given time. Right now, I am so down and out it is literally painful. My thoughts race with unreasonable irrational, roller coaster views of every thing from the commercial I just watched about age defying make-up to wondering why I can't get off my ass and clean my kitchen. My heart pounds with anxiety, I cannot sleep at night. I tried seeing a psychiatrist, but she could only give me encouragement and "positive" words which doing even go into one ear, let alone out the other. I hate feeling like this and want nothing more than to sit in my house and do nothing. I don't know why, I can't explain it. I take antidepressants, I try to be grateful for what I have, who I am, but nothing seems to lift me out of this.
I usually was resilient and helped my family through a lot of tough times ( like 7 deaths in one month). I did this for over 4 decades. Then my health broke just in time to be faced with half a dozen bad things at once with no support. I found myself not able to be the resilient one any more. Even a person who often sees the silver lining in a cloud can have a serious set of circumstances that knocks them down. It isn`t so much the person themself. It`s the whole mix. Anyone who believes otherwise is just hoping for a false sense of security. God bless anyone who`s struggling. All I can say is try to hang in there.
i think that people who are of the resilient type personality have been given more strength than the average person.ask someone who has just realized that after many years is a lesbian.and i will now find out who my real friends are after they read this!
lol hey that was capped at like 1500 characters :0 lol... my bottom line is this... yes my passed away in 2005 having thought i was an alchaholic because i was painfully thin from the trauma i had endured of which she did not know because she had her own to deal with. i split with my husband of 8-9 years in 2007 and the road ahead of my 2 daughters and i was traumatic as daddy was suicidal and we began our journey, me at age what about 29 just over a quarter of a mil in debt... my girls were emotionally shattered and it has taken 5 painstaking years to say we did it!!! we have just about paid off all debts, my girls have blossomed into wonderful confident children... how do we do, it's not strength or courage or resilience... it's borne out of sheer necessity! we do what we must to survive... my girls and i had a 5 year plan and kept reviewing it - it was multi-layered covering aspects like finance, spirituality, self confidence, even building up wardrobes lol but we dreamed a little each day and now we are living our dream... we decided to build our castle, to reach for the stars and that our future was unwritten... and here we are today happy to share the 'secret'... "YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DREAM BIG AND LIVE YOUR DREAM" no matter what the nightmare of right now holds, just believe
my lil welcome to the real world was pretty much a welcome to 'heart break hotel'.. at the age of 24 i lost my brother in a tagic car accident. my mother was diagnosed with cancer a month to the anniversary of h-and-go is death so it was literally a case of putting your mourning on hold to 'be there' or 'live each valuable moment' with a loved one faced with a terminal illness... by that point in my 1 year marriage i realised my husband was a compulsive gambler and being a 'new mommy' i had to make a very difficult choice an leave my family and mother who needed me to save my 'marriage' and 'new family unit'. the guilt i carried was profound.. my mom was a fighter though her illness had her touch and go just about every 2nd month so the trauma of going through that 'loss' and emotion so often was difficult to say the least. back at home my now ex-husband's gambling condition worsened and he chose every major turning point in my mothers illness to throw another heart wrenching 'truth' at me like babe i know this is difficult for you but i have to tell you something... boom! there goes not only my ONLY possible pillar of support in my spouse but now also the grocery budget! How do u juggle trying to 'help someone through an addiction', 'watching your mother die from a distance knowing if it got really bad you wouldn't even be able to say goodbye' and the very immediate 'what am i going to feed my 3 year old child'... here i am today not just having survived but thrived
Cat I hope you feel differently today than a year ago when you posted. I was in your shoes once not too long ago. Humanity can be horrible to others. They take without asking. I hope so I found something better to identify myself with besides my awful parents. Some find religion and God and that's good, but some of us find something in between the hatred and the good. Our survival is strong and won't let us give up because we hope for something out there that is better than what we've experienced. When i look at the sky and see the stars and the moon and sun i hope. The trees and flowers and flying birds and animals are so beautiful, and so i hope. Nature loved us first; it gives and gives and we receive. We don't realize it because we focus too much on "humans" and what they've done to us. But, there is something greater to identify yourself with that we can see. I am like a river of lava that makes more essential earth because I am a great mother that has given so much to my children in hopes they will develop more of themselves in their children as well. I don't know you Cat, but all of us are like the universe in many ways. You may be the shining star ever so loyal to those around you or maybe you're like a blade of grass shimmering in the sunlight adorning the landscape. You are something more than what was done to you. Think about the beauty you possess that is like the beauty you see around you. Identify yourself and reunite with your universe and live.
For Thom, I hear you. Embrace yourself and accept who you are just the way you are. By you I mean your true self and what I hear is that you are a good person. Focus on that and run with it. You are worthy and have much to contribute. Stay on the good path of yourself and don't focus on failures for we all have those. Sounds like your many talents can be challenging at times because you don't know which one to pick, pick one it doesn't matter which and do that. Your children will see and will do and if you change to another talent they will see how special you are with change and starting over and will love you for that too. Keep focused on your true goodness and so what if you're moody, aren't we all? Give more without expecting anything in return and you'll learn the gift of that as well. Love yourself by accepting everything as part of you and today be what you want to be more of and soon in the future you will look in the mirror and see the person you want to see. Don't lament just do what's in your heart not what your memories say. You are not the past but the present and you sound as if you are a good person who cares about the future of his children in every way. They will love you for who you've become by caring about yourself. They will in turn learn to love and accept themselves as well. Love is greater than anything. Hope this helps some and if I overstepped, pardon me.
Thank you most earnestly for this blog post, which has generated so many wise coments. I know I will survive the coming death from breast cancer of my dearest friend but right now I don't want to. But I will, and I will honor all the joy she brought into my life and all the joy I brought into hers.
There is no light unless juxtaposed with darkness, no beauty without ugliness, no joy without pain.
my form of resiliency comes from a positive outlook on the things that life has to offer and that the people in your life are there to help balance you. so if somone disagrees with you or argues with you or even makes fun or insults you, you should take it as a new different point of view and draw the positive from it
From my experience faith in God and a belief that He grants supernatural grace/hope/love/comfort/peace/wisdom. My relationship with Jesus has helped me to overcome trauma. Thank you.
As an academic who studies resilience in adolescents, I know how easy it can be to intellectualize hardship, perseverance, and success, and view resilience as distinct from its messy human context. The reality is that resilience is not always a straight line through or directly over, it is more a zig zag of steps: backward, sideways, forward and sometimes back again. Based on my research and personal experience, the best advice I could give in order to facilitate resilience is to hold on to what you know is true and possible, even when you feel overwhelmed , powerless, and lost. Resilient people are able do what needs to be done even when they don't feel like it because they know that eventually the dust WILL settle in one way or another, and when that moment comes they will be in a position to take advantage and move on. What allows them to remain "on task" when things fall apart? Deep, conscious, and unyielding beliefs in who they are and what (or usually who) is most important to them.
I am ruthless, tenacious endlessly patient in the face of adversity. I WILL NOT BE OVERCOME no matter how long it takes. Informing this behavior is the solid y belief that there is a way out, over, around, under, through my circumstances including looking at them from manyperspectives. Critical to this process is a willingness to reconsider my goals, strategies, tactics,preferred circumstances, and changing, my mindset, behaviors, relationships, job, and moving elsewhere. Plus, I assiduously scan the terrain for people and processes that can help me sort, synthesize and analyze all the data for greater clarity leading to the best decisions. Once again, like a sunflower, I KNOW stretching for the light will lead me out of the morass, and that's where I go. This served me through a brutally vicious childhood, Vietnam, PTSD, failed relationships, job losses, generalized anxiety disorder, low self esteem such that I served and, highly successfully, I might add, as a diplomat for the U.S. abroad for 30 years, speak four foreign languages (Chinese, French, Spanish, Portuguese) and among many adventures hitchhiked into Tibet and, at 60, went skydiving from 14,000 ft. exit velocity 185 Life is good. God is better.
I have experienced more than my fair share of adversity over the course of my life-time but, somehow I manage to perservere and make it through to the "other side". I have learned to stop asking "why" things happen and have stopped blaming myself for everything that goes wrong. There are things that I have no control over. For example, I have just lost my teaching postion (again) due to budget cuts (this is the 3rd time), the plaster celing in my living room fell down, I have had two flat tires in the past two weeks and now my "boyfriend" went "nuts" last night and got himself arrested & has thrown our relationship away after 7 years. So this certainly is not very positive but, should I sit down and cry and blame myself? No. I will continue to believe that there will be new beginnings. That there are reasons for everything that happens. Sometimes you have to say, "Enough is enough!" I have learned to stand up for myself and say I don't deserve this and don't have to be abused and will continue on in my life with a postive attitude and continue to believe in myself and my strength. I have learned to survive through my experiences and learn from them and try to remain positve and optomistic and look to the future. I guess you can call it mental fortitude. Self-relience. Inner strength. It's hard to explain but, I somehow have always believed that "the sun will come out tomorrow" to be a bit corny and cliche. It
We are dealing with the suicide of our 20 year old son. We find that times of solitude, prayer, reading the Bible and the support of close, caring friends is essential as well as professional counseling. I had never heard of resiliency training when I was a parent. We think our son, who was in the military struggled privately with depression. Now I believe parents need to learn about resiliency and train their children about it when they are growing up. I hope to learn more about this topic and post it at his memorial web site. nathanw.org
I'm able to hang in there because I know I can count on myself to see me through most situations. Additionally, several family members and friends are always there to listen and not judge. They help me hear myself talking which is helpful and clarifying.
to thom, the answer for you is simple. if you don't want your sons to be like you, then you can't be like you. fix your life, now before your kids turn out exactly like you. read all of these posts about being resilient, what do you see mostly people who have had/are having bad, horrible, troubling things happening to them, and they just want to tell someone about it. there is so much sadness and pain in the world, please try for your kids sake not to be a link in that chain,FIX YOUR LIFE, or they will be just like you. I mean this sincerely, not in a mean way. how can we expect our kids to be better than us if we are their role models. If we don't show them the way, how will they find the right path? good luck!
The difference is the individual with a support structure, family amd ot friends keep them from a melt down. From not sharing and hiding withn themselves, little by little. families need to pay loser attention, maybe even make the person talk about the BS going on, tell them they will not leave until it is discussed, and no, they are not going to judge, they are family. My 2 cents.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. It comes and goes so fast, and we must take it seriously enough to roll with the changes, but not so seriously that we are debilitated by life stresses. It's a fine tightrope to walk on. The winners make it through the progressive "stress hoops' life makes us jump through, while the others get stuck in those same hoops.
What makes the diff between a winner and losers per lifes challenges? Willpower. Determination. The singular sense that one will conquer anything thrown in ones path to temporarily derail them. We can't knop for certain the formula for "survival", but we can certainly tap into our own strengths and resources. We all have our own unique mix of the same inside us, just waiting to be tapped into. It's up to us to find that unique mix, and work with it.
Never give up the good fight.
I have a tendency to set the greatest challenges for myself that I can think of. This puts a great amount of stress on me, but I also receive a great payoff at the end--that moment when I have proven to myself that I can do x thing, or that I could survive y, etc. By doing this to myself, I have learned quickly what I can and cannot control.
Those things that I cannot control, I have to accept. I cannot change them. Many times, there is little I can do to affect them, but if I can affect them then I do. Otherwise, I can only plan for the possible outcomes and handle the fall-out.
But here is the real key to surviving anything--absolutely any stress that you put on yourself or is caused by other things in life: Find a reason to keep going!
Anyone can find a million reasons NOT to do something. You need to find a reason TO DO that thing. All you need is one reason, one good reason, to keep pushing forward. Then, grab hold of that reason and don't let it go. Don't let anything break your hold. Focus on that reason until the job is done.
And when the really hard times hit, remember this: "When going through Hell, keep going." If you stop in the middle, you stay in Hell.
I think the deepest resilience arises from developing the capacity to stay with vulnerable feelings. When we can stay with the truth – our disappointment, sadness, loss, fear, shame, or powerlessness – and allow the emotion to take it's own course, it always comes to a stillpoint and then things turn round. We emerge with such greater clarity, openness, and capacity for connection. And having survived yet another uncomfortable situation, we feel even heartier and more adaptive than ever.
My resilience comes from thinking about what I want for myself in life, thinking about the people I love, and knowing that I am equal to the love I give and the goals I work toward.
I give myself time to sit with the meltdown. Everyone melts down at some point. Everyone needs a moment to grieve, time to feel loss. I take that time with the knowledge that a happier self waits for me on the other end. No matter how my life is thrown (in my case, serious physical illness), I remind myself of what makes me happy. Memories of friends, successes at work, feelings of romantic love, moments of tremendous creativity. After taking the time to acknowledge the importance of my anger, my frustration, my confusion, and everything that comes with it, reliving the above memories always brings me back.
If someone told you you were gone to go thru life without anything going bad, they were lying to you. You may not want problems but you will certainly get them.
The happy world belongs to the problem solver.
I am always admire people who have greater problems then I had (and I had a life time of problem)and they found a way to deal with them. You decide.
Thank you for these posts...I am at a very low point in my life.
My entire world has been turned upside down...and I am without answers, at least any that I will accept.
My 23 year old son recently went through a major depressive episode for the first time. As a single parent, I do not know how to protect him. He was suicidal. I suspect this will be a long and possibly painful journey.....I am resilient, to what extent we are about to find out.
Resilience for me comes from my faith in God - that there is a power greater than and bigger than any circumstance I may go through. Even though I may be in deep waters or even in denial because of traumatic events, that I can choose to believe that God is ultimately in control or I can choose to believe that I (mere man) have to figure out how to fix something that I can not fix. Which thought would you rather lock on to? I have passed through horrible losses and unimaginable rejection from loved ones and friends. In some cases, the situations have never gotten any better - I have learned that I can overcome and rise above things that I can not control. That I am free to go on with my life knowing that I have done my best with what I have been given; and always try to see the positive or good in whatever circumstance it may be. This can be difficult for sure, especially when it involves loved ones, nevertheless, with faith it can be done. I have found a bouyancy that comes from deep within my soul - I choose to lock on to the facts of what faith is rather than be tossed around by feelings that can go up and down. There, for me, lies the secret of resliency!
I can't say I have the bravery and good sense of many who post here. My own life is a series of deliberate failures, of quitting or dropping out, of leaving positions of extraordinary privilege and power that I had worked feverishly to attain. Having tried unsuccessfully to resuscitate my wasted career, I am now working with people I neither respect nor like nor trust, and am struggling desperately to provide for a young family, including an elder son who shares my own restlessness, moodiness and intellectual gifts. My only remaining wish in life is for him and his brother to avoid the misery, failures, self-destruction and defeat that have ruined my life. If anyone can tell me how to forestall this, I'd be grateful.
Sorry I ran past the limit. Here is the complete sentence.
A large portion of resilience comes from inner confidence that you will find a way to get through your challenge because you've flexed your "resilience muscle" before. I took my dauhter up a mountain before she graduated high school so that she could begin flexing her resilience muscle and look back on the experience with confidence she can endure long boring slogs and that the view from the top is worth it. The balance of resilience comes from social & spiritual nurturing. I was literally loved, hugged and prayed through three surgeries and 8 chemo treatments. My load was light and my cancer year will remain one of the most positive and joyful years of my life...to date. I am not kidding. If you are lonely, go be a blessing to some one else. Serve, volunteer, rejoin the pack! If you need support, ask people to pray for you. Chisel down your own barriers that prevent people showing you love and care. Let them hug you and bring you dinner. It's a win, win situation. You are allowing them to do something that is good for them too! You cannot fathom how full your bucket will be and consequently will spill over onto others who need it.
At 50 yo, I realize I'v been in resilience training most of my life. Some of the training was outside my control (mother w/personality disorder [paranoia & narcissism], her four turbulent marriages & traumatic divorces, drastic relocations w/resulting lack of stable schooling and social life, a house fire destroying nearly all belongings) & things I chose (college, climbing mountains, training for running/cycling teams, marriage, parenthood). The sum effect of mandatory & elective challenges is described in a piece I wrote about preparing to go through Chemo last February called, "The Frame Shoppe." You will find it at "jensgoliath.blogspot.com" (My blog called "Irreverant Chronicles of a Breast Cancer Patient.") If you scroll down to post #17, you will see photos of my "Name the Drain Contest." I decided to use humor to distract myself (a nurse) from anxiety about the possibility of my mastectomy drains becoming a portal for infection. When the drains were removed, I dressed them up as the contest entries suggested & staged photos (Thelma & Louise, George & Gracie, Marie & Pierre Currie etc.). My philosophy is:Plan A is usually a rough draft. Real adventure begins with Plan B, C & D! And, never let vanity rob you of restorative human communion that comes with self-effacing humor and honesty. A large portion of resilience comes from inner confidence that you will find a way because you've fle
A study I cannot find (or I'd cite it) found four factors that increase resilience. Resilient people believe and act as if a problem is 1. Never permanent. They know that nothing lasts forever and they accept that sometimes we just live through tough times. 2. Never personal. The saying goes, "It's not personal even thought your name's written all over it." They assume that they're doing their human best, and understand that many unknown factors exist which cause problems. They address whatever their own responsibility is and leave the rest to others. 3) Never global. For example, if this boss is always critical, resilient people understand that, if they are doing their own human best, this boss might simply be impossible to please. They make a reasonable effort to work things out, but if no solution comes about, they interview for other jobs, confident that they can find a boss they can work well with. Just because one boss didn't like the way they worked doesn't mean that will be true of every boss.
MOST IMPORTANT: The final piece of resilience is that resilient people have at least one trusted supportive friend to whom they can tell anything/everything.
Research shows that resilience is a learned behavior, not an inborn characteristic. If you can learn and practice the first 3 beliefs/behaviors and develop a good strong relationship with a friend or therapist, your resilience will absolutely increase.
I've been working on this for years and I am far more resilien
I was brought up with a mentally ill abusiev father, suffered dysthymic depression all my life, divorced an abusive husband, lost my mother to cancer, lost my father figure to cancer, lost my only child in a car accident, the list could go on and on. The positive in my life--I was blessed with a wonderful mom I loved dearly, a son that anyone could be proud of even though he's passed, a loving second husband, rescued golden retrievers I adore, a beautiful home, and the thought that even though I don't have those I love (mom, Chris, and Mike) right now....I pray and get through the despair and find something to give me reason every day like doing nice things for others or making beautiful crafts. It doesn't fill the huge hole in my heart, but it gets me through till I can be with them again. I am and was loved very dearly by those I have and had in my lifetime. I won't kid you, holidays are horrible, but they too pass and then I make myself plans to look forward to so I can go on. Pray has been my saving grace....Also, watching funny television shows and exercising helps. I remember my mom always saying, "If your sad go out and buy yourself a new hat", meaning find something to keep you going.
I have been strengthened by all of your hopeful, unfortunate, and inspiring comments. Thank you!
I believe that these (above mentioned) two things -- strengthening/serving others and being grateful -- are crucial. And this is because they both lead to hope which is essential to move forward and experience joy in life. Gratitude and serving others forces me to see life as it actually is instead of falling into my natural inclination of being inward-focused, which is very much a false view of life.
Hope comes because I recognize the goodness that constantly occurs (gratitude). Hope is renewed when I find ways to listen to or fulfill the needs of others (service). Despair is my default companion when I do not consistently remember and do these two things which bring me hope. And unfortunately I deny myself of hope's companionship far too often. But I do recognize that it is ALWAYS a choice, thankfully. I do have control of that.
The rest... be what it may, and bring it on! God is with me, when I pray and as I act.
Thank you all for serving me with your time and comments. May you continue to serve and be served by the children of God, all of us, that your minds and feelings might be regularly filled with the hope and joy this life is intended to provide.
I think it has a lot more to do with whether the crisis hits too close to some core part of the individual rather than any particular characteristic they possess. Over a lifetime, I have suffered parental neglect, the painful death of a beloved, bankruptcy, two divorces, mental and physical abuse, mental illness of a cherished child, the list is long, all the while fighting and putting my best into each situation to do my part, make things better for others, overcome. I put myself through grad school unassisted, raised two wonderful children, carved out a successful, well-paid career for myself in a male-dominated industry and never once felt like there wasn't anything I couldn't handle. But nothing, nothing has hit me as hard, harmed my health and sense of well-being as much, as the inexplicable estrangement of my daughter. Her sudden hatred of me and complete departure from my life was the break that tapped into the trunk of my psychic tree. Now broken open, only decay can follow, even with the kindly help of four wonderful physicians/pschiatrists. After 30+ years of being resilient, this trier has pretty much given up. I go through the motions: go to work, try to exercise, do my duty, but this farce will only last so long. It sounds silly, I know, but nothing prepared me for being hated, truly hated, by one of my kids. It just broke me.
First off I want to say "thank you" for all the positive feedback that I've read in these blogs. I've never realized how resilient I was or could be. My family and I are going thru a tough time right now. My fiance was severly injured in a motorcycle accident last September. He broke his neck in three places. He is now a quadrapelegic. Our lives have been forever changed. Despite what happened to him, he has never stopped moving forward. I have learned so much from him as well as those families that we met at the rehab hospital. I found that patience is a key factor on the road to recovery. Renee made a profound statement when she said" resilient people know they can't chose what happens to them but they can choose how they respond." I also loved Kathie's blog concerning Hope and Faith in God and Christ! My heart goes out to everyone who at some point in their life has faced some type of tragedy or trauma. Whether you have made it thru or are still pushing forward, don't stop! Life is still good. Thanks again to everyone. I am on a 12 hour midnight shift this week and I was feeling a little blue when I came in. Not anymore! I hope I am able to encourage someone the way I have been encouraged tonight.
Resilient people have a sense of commitment or purpose in life, they see life as a challenge to embrace and they are in control of their lives (not controlling). They are stress hardy. They possess a sense of humor, they are grateful, they always look for the silver lining, they never give up and they count their blessings. Resilient people know they can't choose what happens to them but they can choose how to respond. They know when they respond positively they inspire themselves and they inspire others as well.
I have always thought of myself as resilient. I am not so sure anymore. Funny how the author talked of the spouse who wants companionship but gets something else instead. That is what I am dealing with, on top of my children getting ready to leave home and not needing me. I have not dealt with these things well at all. I have finally come to the place where I realize I can not CHANGE any of it. I must take the time to enjoy life and let others make their choices. I can not make them for them. This has been very hard because I have spent so much of my adult life dedicating myself to these people...
I am changing the way I think....and it is going to heal me and make me resilient again...
This is a topic I find facinating. My mother survived an unhealthy childhood, loss of her first husband in wwII and many other tradgedies...and yet she was so resilient! I believe her inborn optimism, faith and hope made her more resilient. Her 2 half sisters, my grandmother had much more difficulty alchohol and mental illness. My Mother did not dwell on the past, she chose to live in the now and make her the life the best it could be out of sheer determination. I believe in the power of positive thinking and that guilt, shame, blame and other negative thoughts pull people down and make them vulnerable. Working on the law of attraction, or the ability to change and take control of your thoughts and behaviours and beliefs makes you strong. Learn form yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.
Resiliency is developed with experiences in life esp. difficult ones. It also requires conscious acceptance of the past painful experience, and what had occurred is something we do not have control anymore. We do can influenced on what our future can be or want to be by taking actions now that will likely result to the life we wanted to live.
It requires strong will, determination, the big WHY, and why you want to do it- if our reason and WHY is strong enough then the how will come easier.
Pain will always come back to your memories and you will feel pain, some self-pity even at times, even to the point that you will think of how you will try to end your life and suffering. But having an awareness that it is just an old movie playing in your head and that we can choose to turn it off or keep watching but consciously knowing that it is not our NOW will greatly affect how we view and respond to it.
It can be a reminder of how far we have overcome such an experience and that we are not in that past situation anymore ( it has work for me).
There are so many other people in the world that are in worse situation that i have or that we have through and it makes me appreciate of what i have been through and what i am today. I have forgiven mostly my offender and have maintain reasonable communication with them-it did allow them to move on with life a little easier as well.
Resilient = springing back; rebounding
I am convinced that HOPE is the vital key. But it's not simply hope alone...it's hope in Someone greater than ourselves. Jesus is our hope and our one true source of strength. His Word is Truth and His promises are my anchor in life. Trusting Him is safe for He has said, "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life." (John 14:6) If anyone reading this is without hope, trust Him at His word. Let Him lead you and you will have a living hope that never dies but strengthens you through all things.
Jesus said, "I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life." (John 8:12)
Life comes with many trials and great pain. He knows that. Evil exists on earth, but He will give you the ability to not only endure but to come through it stronger for it.
Jesus said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corin. 12:9
The world will tell you to be strong but God tells us that He uses the weak to show His strength. Lean on Him fully and you will see He is completely trustworthy. He has healed me from childhood abuse and much pain in my life. He is the Great Physician dear one. Let Him heal you. Get a Bible and ask God to lead you into His truth. He will. You'll never regret it and He will transform you, in spite of what you've been through or what you'll go through.
In Christ alone,
Pain is a part of this life, The only help I have found is accepting God's love thru his only son given to us to forgive us and then we can forgive others. We also have to find other christians who are sensitive to those who hurt. You have to ask and seek to find these,but they are there cause I have found them all my life. I had to ask, seek and get prayer and fellowship with others and their prayers. The only good and lasting power is God and he is the most loving eternal friend and savior. There is no one like him. He has brought me thru severe depression and many other things. I'm excited because he hold out Hope and eventually he says there will be no moe pain or sorrow. I am looking forward to it but also fullfilling my purposes on earth with His help and others along side of me. We all have a place.Seek Him with all your heart and you will find Him. I found him at age 20. I am now 53. Love to you and hope to see you in heaven rejoicing! This life is super short.
Stress, depression used to think I could get thru anything not so sure anymore! I used to work full time nights in busy ER Dept., single mom, and runner several days a week, felt good about my life. Then in 2008 my best friend, and running partner died after a 2 year battle with cancer and I seemed to spiral down into a hole.
I have everything to be grateful for, great kids all college educated, yet I am now 53 and life should be great yet, I can't seemed to get past the loss of my friend, menopause, I haven't been able to get into habit of running on regular basis, which is something I want to do, I allow so much to interfere in living life, I don't sleep well, still work full-time nights in ER, help with grandkids seem to avoid ME!
Cat, I saw that a lot of people responded to you, and I just want to say that I have similar feelings. There was a time I thought that I was resilient. My childhood was marked by neglect from a father who distanced himself from what I now believe to be a depressed or bi-polar wife, leaving my upbringing to her. I was the accidental child, born 10 years after my brother. Never dwelt on that; it was what it was. But my father died when I was 17 and my mother hung herself when I was 19....and I thought I was 'resilient' because I didn't cave...got through college, got a job and felt I'd gotten through all that.
But I never understood the 'love and committment' thing. I tried...read a lot of self help books, attempted to implement what I thought I'd learned....but none of my relationships worked out. I married, had a child, but my husband left when our son was one.
Well, all that aside, I also feel I don't have any resilience; I don't want to be perfect, I still try to pick myself up when I fail, but I don't have a lot of hope that my goals are attainable...to the point where I cannot even imagine having goals. I just hope to get through the day.
If it sounds like I feel sorry for myself, I don't; I know how fortunate I am. As a single mother, I have been able to raise my son, keep the house, and hold down a job. But I've kind of given up that I have the ability to find a satisfying job, or a satisfying relationship. My post is too long to continue.....
Being resilient is having ambitions and remaining dedicated to achieving them. A resilient individual is able to withstand failure and pick themselves up when they 'fall.' With resilience also comes a great deal of acceptance. Resilient individuals accept that they are not always going to be perfect, and have confidence in that fact that their goals are attainable if not today in the future.
In fact, I did "die" at one point when I was 14 (recently diagnosed as PTSS) when the only way I could make sense of what was happening to me was to reject everything that had made my life meaningful up to that point.
I'm learning to be "me" again. It's taken me patience and courage to learn to like myself, to love and forgive the child I was, and to accept that I loved, and still love, the perpetrators. None of this is achieved through will power. And Wendy, for those of us who can't "forget what happened", however much we want to, there is no magic wand. If someone lost their leg, would "forgetting what happened" be effective when they tried to walk? Or would "accepting what happened" and hopping or learning to use a prosthesis be more effective?
Wendy, you bring back the question originally posed by Dr Creagan: why are some people more resilient to stress than others?
You, Wendy, can "forget what happened in another life", but some of us can't.
We don't crumble because we want to "fret about that which we cannot change".
I agree that happiness, or joy, can be found by living in the now. But we experience "now" not only through our organs of sensation (eyes, skin etc) but through our brains. Our understanding is part of our interaction with our surroundings. And our understanding is not all conscious, and our thoughts are not all voluntary.
You are fortunate that your unconscious mind allows you to rationally accept your bad experiences as being part of the past.
All abuse survivors want to do that, believe me.
For twenty years I was in denial about being sexually and psychologically abused as a young person. The price of denial was believing it was all my fault for being "bad" and "sexually precocious". I then spent the next twenty years:-
1) deconstructing the now useless fantasies of "good and kindly adults" that had supported my denial of the facts,
2) learning to recognise myself as a continuous entity, buried but not quite dead within those fantasies.
In fact, I did "die" at one point when I was 14 (recently diagnosed as PTSS) when the only way I could make sense of what was happening to me was to reject everything th
I've read the varying comments and been through much of your experiences, abuse does change a person's perception, I know....
To get the "proper perspective" is really impossible until you realize that everyone, every single being alive (with a soul) has the SAME beginning, we all come from the same place, we are made from the same stuff!
In the beginning no one is better than the other...ever!
We have been "brainwashed"/ made by our present circumstances.
Guilt causes people to abuse others (even their own children). Guilt over not being who the parent wanted, guilt over not believing in the same religion, guilt not intended to be laid/carried over to the next generation...and on and on.....
Some of you touched on this idea, but here it is:
We exist, we are here in this place, and in this time- we can fight that, but it is the only fact we can be totally sure of, right? Why oh why waste this time fretting over that which we can not change? Holding grudges while this only hurts us more? Living in the past is contagious....to the future health of us all!
All peoples need to heal from the pain and the only way is to live in the now. Forget what happened in another life, in another time only our lessons learned should be brought forward. We all must stop and think this through...everything..think it through on your own, and trust your instincts again! Do not let anyone tell you that you have to wait for some outside influence to come and save the day.,it'
I see things a bit differently than most people I've met. As I've come of age, things are becoming more real. Things are also getting more sad, too. I still maintain hope. Hope that things can change and will get better. It is in this hope I realize I can do something to make the world better, even if it is just the tiniest bit better. That's what keeps me moving forward. Yeah, mistakes and bad things will happen. That doesn't mean the birds won't stop singing, the sun won't burn, and the world won't turn. The important thing to remember is the fact that one is never truly powerless or helpless or alone. Things might get worse before they get better; just remember to smell the roses along the way and keep faith in a tiny thing. This faith can be in anything. A child's cry; a bird's song; a summer breeze in one's hair; moon lit nights in the winter when snow covers the ground. Find something small to take faith in, something that's always existed to you and will always exist. Hold on to it and smile when you see it. After all, it's a relief to hear or see something familiar when things are tough.
Just maintain hope and faith. Realize things might get worse, but don't let it bother you too much. It'll get better: I promise. I know. Always go forward, firm in your beliefs. There must be no tears, anxieties, or regrets.
Things will get better. I promise because I know.
Hey Cat, Rose, and others,
You're not alone. My older brother made a career of molesting me and keeping me silent through threats and force. Everyone tiptoed around him, fearing he was truly crazy. Well, it turns out he had serious emotional problems, and none of the abuse was my fault. Just remember that: The abuse is NOT YOUR FAULT. It hurts. It hurts a hell of a lot. I endure the taunts, isolation, and hurt daily. When I tried to stay alive and connected by calling a suicide prevention hotline, they gave me the cereal box advice of: "this too shall pass". That doesn't help when the hurt is so deep. The abusers were messed up people who had no business being around children, and it hurts... but please stay around. Don't cash in your chips early, because you have a lot to offer the world. Even sharing your story will connect to others (like me) during our dark hours (like right now). Your family of origin were horrible, but there are other families you can create. Families of survivors who will help you and listen and care. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them.
As children, we survive because we're too young to give up hope. Despair is something children don't feel as easily as adults. Children are buoyant, imaginative, and resilient. If only getting older didn't mean knowing more pain. If only we were allowed to make our own meanings, instead of having others project their damning visions onto us.
Cat. Please know that you're not alone. My sadness is NOTHING compared to yours. I have had a good life. When I go thru pain,as I am now... I try to look at it in metaphors. I look at it as a stepping stone as I climb to the top of life. I see life as a mountain and the pinnacle is death where I get to go somewhere even more magnificent. I look at it as a propellor out of the bayou. I look at it as a surfboard to the top of a wave. Without pain, people would not evolve. Without pain people will coast through life. I look at pain as a gift - a way to ascend to a higher place and consciousness. And that is not a religious interpretation - it is understanding that humans are here to evolve and that we come from life source and we will return to the universe at the end of our evolution. We just will. You don't evaporate.
Pain is something I consider not part of my identity. But instead a force that moves through me or pushes me. Again, I get to choose which way I want to point myself. Forward, or backward. Best to you. You're not alone.
It is God who keeps me going. Gratitude over smallest thing in life gives me power to walk the extra miles. Also, I always remind my self that nothing last forever..sadness, happiness, anger, frustration always revolve. So, i accept those emotions because anyway i am only human and let God does the rest
I think resilience is about accepting that life involves adversity and suffering but also joy and hope. It is also about accepting your reaction to the adversity. This helps resolve the internal struggle triggered by the external event. Sharing the pain helps with other empathic people and helping other people gives more of a sense of control.As they say when your going through hell keep going.
why do some people react well to adversity or emergency and yet fail to thrive in the everyday life? Why can some people help others but are unable to assist themselves in becoming fully present in life?
A normal, (and interesting) part of the life is solving problems. Some of the most interesting parts of life, come from solving problems.
Being able to share a story of how a challenging problem was solved is one of the best parts of life.
Looking at a difficult situation and thinking that to solve this, problem, would almost be heroic, or looked upon with great appreation from others.
(It depends what the problem is but, I would think that to solve a problem is a bit heroic, no?)
I come from a familly with successful parents, and siblings and relatives, etc. most also involved in chairty etc. who often share stories about how they did something that was very hard, but helpfull people who are affected by it.
Maybe think about it something-like that, it could be considered a heroic act.
Cat, what a good writer you are. You obviously know yourself well and are able to relay it. Have you thought to author a book of your experiences and insights. I encourage you. You may ease a portion of the hopelessness in others, and hopefully some of your own, by sharing your pain in words.
Hope fragility will strengthen,and hope the pain will end.Hope that God isn't a Doctor.
Ahh Cat, and others - yet you/we DO survive, and Struggle on. With fragililty or suppleness, some days/moments are tortuous, others sublime. I have a similar but less severe history, suffer from depression/eating disorder/other issues. I wish I could be less sensitive and hurt by others, but would that make me less able to empathize, less sensitive to the beauty in our natural environment?
I don't know how to be more resilient or teach my son to be more so, I only know that for some reason (unknown to me) I keep going, I hope with some greater purpose. I find it easier to obliviate from pain - through eating/exercising/reading and in rare moments of connection through talking with similar souls.
I also trust that every difficulty endured will make the next less painful to work through. Seeking enlightment : ) take care, even though it feels like it mosttimes, you are not alone.
I think hope is important. I can truly sympathize with Cat as I am a survivor of severe childhood abuse/neglect & sexual assault. I am traumatized by my experiences, but up until now have coped exceedingly well - denial and memory repression have been purposeful. But now I am seeking a purpose/reasons for my survival. Lately, I am not trusting of others, feel traumatized and the hardest part is there is few friends/family to really help/support me through this process - I am the scapegoat for the families problems & have ceased contact with them. Also, I have been the victim of social scapegoating aimed at providing info for the perpetrator while the victim becomes socially isolated by friends through duress. Anyway, my hope is to eventually thrive as I have worked very hard just to get on with life, start to feel safe enough so that I can work through my early trauma. What I've realized is that I have to believe in something/anything other than myself. I need to trust, to deal with anger, bitterness and I have started by being around safe people and protecting myself around others. I just have a very strong will to live, hope the body can hold up and want to find a purpose to believe in. x
Resiliency just hit mainstream, around ten years ago. I know many people who are resilient. My mother taught me to be resilient from a very young age. She said " No matter wht you want to do in life, never, ever give up. Never. " Throughout the years other sayings have become my motto. " I was born to survive, because I have been to hell and back." I have learnt to cope with anything life throws at me." When you work, and/or play, give it all you have, and leave everything on the field- every drop of sweat and blood". In sports that I play well, I never talk, but I let the racket do all the talking. In soccer, the feet do all the talking. You get the picture. I have learnt from many people who started from scratch, and eventually found their calling. Resilient people are all these things rolled into one "forward thinking" package. Cat needs someone to talk to, for a few days, or possibly a few weeks. Obviously, in the past, she has had no one to listen to her trials and sufferings. I am a psychologist, and in Cat's case the talking therapy may be a good start. She needs to find one good reason to live. She may need supports, friends, family and help from the entire community. Throughout her life, it seems that no one cared for her, or showed her any compassion, or love. Her condition is tough to correct as one get older, but it is not impossible. Cat should try and geBut Cat can be an inspiration to many people. Cat may try and get
Cat, What a beautifully created and wonderfully crafted daughter of God You are! My heart goes out to the pain you feel inside and the experiences you have gone through. None should have to deal with that kind of treatment. I'd like to ask that anyone reading her post from below says a prayer for her and asks for guidance, courage and for her to be surrounded by people that can cherish her the way she was meant to be. I ask that she find her place in this world whether it be by giving her someone else to be a partner with in this thing we call life or to even use her experiences to help other woman that have been through similar trials, abuses and situations that may seem unbearable. Help her to find faith in others and to know that once her light shines out for the rest of the world to see..she'll have peace and find meaning in life. You are adored by a creator and Christ that loves you and watches over you. It's hard to accept that He does not always intervene or prevent the sin and evil in this world from happening.. know that He cry's out and sheds a tear for every pain..every attempt..every thing in life that hurts us. If each of us Pray for Cat.. Hope is real. Never give up Cat.. Never Ever Give up Hope. You are loved. ~J
I think sometimes it is difficult to say who is more hardy than who else; how do we describe such things?. Sometimes we can feel like we are in control, but this can be a false sense of security; other times it can feel like our more negative feelings outweigh our positive ones, but this can be part of a steep learning curve to new vistas. We all have problems of some kind as said above, in our own group of friends and acquaintances they can seem to be quite individual, but when you reach out and look at a larger group of people, you can see how much in common we share and I think, for me, this gives a sense of strength in itself. During the difficult days or even years, we need to keep going, try to find a sense of hope in something small. Being aware of others' problems, and if we are able, helping them in some way, can be quite helpful to ourselves if we are stuck. Reaching out to others makes us feel human.
The world got out of hand in the days of the garden of Eden. But to make things more fair the wisest man that will ever walk on the earth; a man called King Solomon listed his advice for resilience. Its in the book of proverbs and goes like this: " Do not lean on your own understanding but acknowledge God in all your ways and HE will make your path straight." In other words simply say "God help" as many times a day as it takes to straighten things out. Then others will start asking you "where do you get your resiliency?" Just do it because it works!
Coping is coping, trying to be proactive is a whole different kettle of fish? Docs don't always tell you the truth about your 'medical problems'. And, then you must LEARN to decipher the language, tests and possible prognoses. To what end? To get better, of course! Why does one fight? Well, because accepting a sad status quo is not ACCEPTABLE at all! Why is it that WE as patients must learn to be able to TALK to our doctors?
Too many of us have been abused, either by home sources or even by the medical professionals. No one is likely to give any individual with one or several serious chronic issues a true listening! That or the old 'It's all in your head' thing, when tests truly show otherwise. Medically, at least.
I fight because I must fight! I can't do much in a wheelchair and I can't depend on others to take care of me for the longest run. I am accountable for how well I can and do fight my situations! We each fight our own battles, support groups can and do help? For information, and also for understanding. Then acceptance of you for what you are-now.
Hope, heart and smarts to one and all!
I really feel for Cat. No one should have to go thru so much pain. I used to think that I was a weak person . But now I know that I am stronger than I thought. Yes, I do have a great husband of 21 years who is my rock. But on the other hand we dealt with Infertility and stressful work lives. Then in 2001 we had triplets
(healthy girls). 2003 was a bad year - Partial Thyroid Removal and a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. The birth of my girls helped prepare for almost anything- Bring It On!
I should add I have a history of Mental Ilness in my family(both my maternal grandmother & sister had Nervous Breakdowns). My grandma's triggered by more traumatic circumstances - death of brother. But I can credit my grandma, great aunt & great grandma with shaping the person I am today. My parents were there physically not emotionally. Some people should not have kids. In closing I believe a strong support system is essential (faith, family or friends). Also I believe that you need to reach out to others (even when I want to curl up & die).
I (unfortunately) have NO resilience. I was abused as an infant until I was four years old both emotionally and physically; my mother was severely depressed and suicidal; I lost my virginity through rape and both my first and second loves passed away unexpectedly... For the last 20 years I have been in and out of various laughing academies for the bewildered, put on every medication (with no result), gone through every therapy (also with no result), and am now (at 45 yrs) marked with various and sundry scars from some of my attempts "to cash my chips in early". Due to my very early abuse (among other things), I can only feel "safe" if I am in total control; if I am not in control I suffer unbearable anxiety to the point of brutal panic attacks and seizures. I am the very definition of brittle and fragile as opposed to resilient and supple. And, due to my self-hatred, depression; and suicidal nature, I do not even have sufficient will to want to take care of myself in the least ( i.e. - I'm one of those people who smoke cigarettes hoping it WILL kill me!) So to make a long story short -- though I have tried and tried to bend like the willow, I just end up snapping and shattering like a splinter of glass.
A person's perspective makes a big difference. If you are feeling this life IS about you, what you do, how far you get, what others do to you, how they make you feel, etc, then you're going to be easily effected by others or your circumstances. But for those who have mentioned a "bigger picture" view, a deep personal faith, relationship with a higher power, there also seems to be that measure of peace and sheltering confidence that forging ahead isn't scary...maybe even good, with things to be discovered, like greater strength and skills on the other side...like the last time. Personally, a big part of my faith is the sovereign nature of God, who leads me through the whole of my unique life because this life isn't about me...or even really about this life...the biggest picture is that it's about the eternal relationship God wants with us...Pretty much the core of faith and why we're here. All that other "stuff" fades. From that perspective, it becomes easier to have peace and resilience. My children and I have endured much over several years, challenged but risen many times and, without this perspective, I know we would've been in padded rooms. Or, since some of the "circumstances" remain, our days could still be taken captive by stress and anger. I thank God He's "got this", that my now-grown kids thank Him for what His script, so far, has imparted to them, and that the relationship He's nurturing with us is eternal.
I have found that my faith is a key part of my ability to have a hopeful attitude in the face of adversity. Many losses of those I love have cemented the fact that I am not in control of life. Embracing the reality that "control" is an illusion has helped me put my place is life's difficulties in perspective. Having a loving and ever present Lord has been a key part of that realization. He is in control and I only need to trust that He is good no matter what things look like. I deal with not only my chronic health condition but my daughter's as well. It's necessary to maintain a realistic and sustainable positive attitude in order to support the children that don't have our experience.
'resilience' is a frame of mind much likeMahega23 wrote below, a frame of mind that is based in awareness of our inner resources. We all have inner resources to cope, survive and succeed and looking back at life we will find plenty evidence that no matter how challenging, demanding or traumatic the circumstances; we always worked through it.
Being 'resilient' is a frame of mind. It is not easy. In order to face my very trying days I talk myself up. I smile at myself in the mirror and repeat with a smile that I am a happy, good ,strong person. It does help me surmount challenging moments throughout the day. I agree with others that surrendering faith, acceptance of what life dishes us and staying healthy physically are also important. But I have found when I can't seem to draw on those assets I can talk myself into a better place with a self smile and positive words. Even when I feel most miserable it helps me regain perspective. Anecdotal self help at best but it does help me. Perhaps this little 'tool' can help some others.
As a psychologist, I find that the best real-time protection from stress is good lifestyle habits of adequate sleep, good nutrition, including breakfast, and exercise you find pleasant enough to keep up. It is very important to set reachable goals, and only you can determine what those are.
As a society we need to be compassionate with each other about abilities to handle stress. Disruption in care, abuse, and neglect during the first 24 months of a child's life can lead to a life-long difficulty accepting support, and feeling self confident. These problems do respond to counseling and other interventions. We can all help rather than blame the victims of these kinds of situations.
Extreme Emotionalism is a sign of mental illness. Which leads me to believe minimal emotion and logical thinking is the most healthy practically speaking. I have found logical less emotional people handle things better. So if your an emotional person like me, burry that and be logical until the problem resolved. No matter how you feel about the problem or situation let the pure logic side of you take over until problem resolved. This logic verses emotionalism is a concience self awareness battle play in your head while dealing with the crises. When the crises ends well. Then your happy again.
my thoughts:
* maintain positive friendships - those that encourage, care, and lift you up
* faith in Christ Who 'will never leave you or forsake you
* don't take yourself or the circumstances too seriously - things always change - expect the best - look for the good
* believe in your worthiness - because God loves you more than you know
It's all about attitude and doing what reinforces a positive attitude
Answer to me is simple and without hesitation: Jesus Christ.
Philippians 4:13: I can do anything through him who gives me strength.
I think it's a desire to fight and intelligence to know what and how to fight it. Maybe it's "letting go and letting God!"
We often cause our own stress by attempting to rectify situations that can not be changed or assuming that we can somehow make every situation better. For me these were probably due to my upbringing but once I learned that most times when I am agonizing over a difficult relationship or event I am the only one doing so. The individual who may have caused the problem many times goes on without a concern. The only one adversely affected is me. I have learned to be a little selfish; do the things I want to do and not feel guilty about the things I "should" but no longer do. I am happier for it and there seems to be no adverse effect anywhere else.
Mine first is more the spirtual dimension. I begin each day with a prayer that God be with me. It makes me feel I never have to go it alone. The second support is my husband. He makes me laugh and supports me unconditionally. My children are next. All of them seem to love me in spite of my faults. I am extremely grateful for all the above.
I am 71, it is fantastic not having problems, I just deal with them.
Harvard medical did a study of people who had reached 100 a few years ago.
They all had one thing in common their attitude.
In the study they listed 10 elements that summarized their attitude.
Good Luck
My husband, James, passed away on May 2, due to colon cancer, bladder condition, diabetes, and declining health over the past 5 years. He was in hospice at home from July 2009 through April 17, 2010.. That day he could no longer stand, walk or even control his body. He was taken to the hospital by ambulance on that day. I couln't get to the hospital in time the night he passed away-that was about the blackest time of my life. When I got there, with friends his head was still warm and his eyes were slightly open. I wished I died with him, it was agony. Nobody could really console me; I didn't want to hear he was in a better place, because to me, the best place for him was with me. I spent a lot of time in tears the past three months. I will never really "get over it" I have been very glad for hospice and the help we got from them. We were married 46 years and it still wasn't enough time. We lived at the same address for 41 years, and its filled with memories. I'm going through things very slowly, because everything stirs me up. Every night, when done with everything, I climb into bed and read grief or NDE material & end up with something humorous. I have several friends that have gotten me out of the apartment and I got out, sometimes to the library or bookstore. I cry and laugh every day, depending on what has attention at the moment. My blood pressure soared as well as the blood glucose. But that's all due to stress. Goodby for now.
Right now we are going through a stressful situation
involving death. My husband and I draw strength
through our faith in God. We feel that he goes with
us through these things. Also, we are not the first
to experience this. Sharing with friends who have
also had the same experience helps.
I didn't conquer the negative effects of stress until I found and followed my ''inner gut." By
that I mean that I ceased acting on
outside evaluations and began to trust
my own instead. There I found consistency and a framework from which
to approach every upset in life. Yes, I
have a strong spiritual side, and am analytical by nature, but I was raised to
put far more emphasis on the opinions of
others. When that stopped, I felt stronger
and began to enjoy the inner peace for which I always longed. No longer do I try
to make things happen unless they depend entirely upon myself. Otherwise,
I enjoy what I can, laugh whenever I can,
cry when I must and trust that there is a
lesson to be learned with every disappointment in life. I'm a life long student of my own contentment.
I'm age 71. Life has taught me that you have to 'roll with the punches' and not take yourself or temporary situations too seriously. If you lose your curiosity about life you may as well plan on cashing out early, because you are not going to be a happy person to be around and I suggest most 'dull people' don't live very long.
I find that keeping myself busy helps me over stressful periods, and it's good to help someone worse off than yourself. My garden has been a real solace to me in bad times over the years, as has sitting down with a good book if it's wintertime. I have always gone by the saying that "Other people don't make us unhappy. We make ourselves unhappy by wanting from them something they cannot or will not give." Friends help a lot too, and having interests outside the home. I volunteer at the local cancer support centre, and am constantly amazed at the resiliance of those people suffering from that disease. There meditation helps them cope with the various phases of the illness. The worse thing you can do is sit down and feel sorry for yourself. Smile, even though you don't feel like it, take a long walk (great for de-stressing) talk to people and get out of the house. If your life is occupied, then you somehow gain the resiliance to go on.
Tho' it may not be applied by everyone, my resilience often comes from sports metaphors and experiences. The comeback after being 'way down in the weeds' in baseball, golf or curling remind me to keep plugging and take a timely chance to score big and regain an even keel (or lead) once again.
For me, I've learned by hearing from experienced people in support groups, or from therapists and other wise people that one needs to put one foot in front of the other, then put the next foot in front of that foot, and just keep walking. Those are the first few steps to take. Our bodies more easily move forward in that way. It's harder to step backwards. What that means to me is that life is lived in forward motion. I've gathered and carried so very much assistance along the way. My being a mother has taught me so many things. During rough times I've had to take my child's hand, or pick her up and have said, "Come on with me. We can't stop now or we'll never get home. You can sit in the stroller or push it, but we need to keep going. It's a good metaphor: Walk alone, or walk with others. Either way, you won't get home unless you put your face to the wind and put one foot in front of the other.
I agree with all the comments: Most people are doing the best they can with the circumstances they have and the tools they were given or have developed. People need a faith in a power higher than themselves not to become embittered by many of the obstacles/challenges that life puts in our path. If we realize that we are truly all in this together, we become helpers and givers rather than takers and life becomes more pleasurable.
The answer is in the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", part 2, habit 1 : Be proactive.
Really, the survivors stay in control of their life, they ask themselves: "What can I do?". And they find a way (fix it or be out). No self pity, it is that simple. It is one principle you use to lead your life.
PS: I enjoyed watching the DVD :)
When we come to the end of our strength and our selves, how do some break through and some crumble in the exact circumstance? As much as we are a society drilled in self reliance and self preservation. In my experience it comes down to faith. God. When a car falls on a mother's child that rush of adrenaline, to push through her own stregnth and release something outside of her ability is in all of us. We can all tap into the gifts God bestowed indiscriminatly. Love, kindness, strength, perseverance, diligence, patience, and peace. If we were just to ask we would recieve, for it's already ours.
Your posting reminds me of this event: When I was driving age my folks refused to teach me how to drive. I felt resigned to my bicycle and badly done to. My sister's husband told me his parents also refused to teach him how to drive. He however talked a neighbors parents into teaching him to drive! The quality he seems to possess in abundance is a good measure of self reliance in providing for his own needs.
I grew up being taught that life was largely a method of demonstrating our attitudes. Life is not and was not meant to be easy or simple, regardless of whom we are. However, as we go through life we find two massive differences in most people.
Quite simply, some people have problems and others have things to do. When I observe people around me without regard to their economic, political or even various forms of spiritual lives, I quickly see one of these two techniques in use, as they deal with all things in their lives. Again, they "either have problems or they have things to do".
Those "with problems" usually become so mired in a series of situations that they can't cope well or overcome.
Those "with something to do", generally just deal with the situation and move on or modify their life so that they can continue on.
It is amazing how burdensome one method becomes, while the other seems to make new decisions or directions possible, not necessarily easy, but possible and generally quite doable.
Since adversity is inevitable for all, throughout the years, I've learned something important to my survival. In years past, I tried to deny those experiences which caused me pain by pretending that it simply wasn't. However, I've had enough of them now to know that if I do not face my adversarial experiences with optimism and draw on the spirit energy of something bigger than myself, feelings of defeat and fragility can engulf my soul making it virtually impossible to master resiliency. So now, I gather all the spiritual forces I can mutter up and creatively face my adversarial experiences head on.
I like to think I'm resilient when facing obstacles although initially I'm hesitant to face the challenge. I take an inventory of what I'm feeling and where the doubt is trying to emerge from and then I plot simple steps to overcome whatever the adversity is. Of course not all challenges can be overcome and in those incidents I try to remind myself that I've done the best I can with what I have and try to focus on something else more in line with what I'm trying to accomplish.
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