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MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers - Part 2 here's to a peaceful 2013(811 Posts)
This is a continuation of this thread which I set up as a safe space for struggling parents of challenging teenagers.
This is meant to be a welcoming thread, where everyone can come and moan, whinge, bash ideas off each other and support each other as we face a new year and new challenges
Newbies in particular - come and join in. When ds1 started going off the rails I felt very lonely as there was no-one in real life I could talk to. Being able to be open and honest on here has helped me cope over the last few years.
Many of us have extremely challenging teenagers, some are involved in alcohol and drugs, some are violent, some are struggling with depression, anxiety and various SN. This thread isn't here to judge people and tell them how to parent or to simplify and minimise their difficulties.
So if you think we should simply tell them to come home and night, and take their phones away if they don't, you are probably in the wrong place. Also if you think a few joints or a couple of pills are harmless, go and start a thread about it somewhere else.
The mantra of this thread is - don't look back, guilt is a wasted emotion. You are where you are now, carry on from here. You may not be able to change them, but you can change how you react to their behaviour, so pick your battles, take a step back and try not be too emotionally involved, and FFS, be nice to yourself.
So here goes: here's to a calm, peaceful and positive 2013.
my worry is will he skive off work (if he gets a job) to go and smoke cannabis - 2 of his friends will be continuing at college this year and obviously they smoke cannabis too. we will have no control over this but we are wondering if this is what is coming next. I know i am getting ahead of myself but it is hard to look at anything positively. For the last 4 years there has been nothing positive to find in him. And everything is linked to cannabis.
Don't look ahead.
I strongly believe that kids will stop smoking dope when they find something more interesting to do. So rather than put our efforts into stopping them smoking (which we will fail at), we should put our efforts into encouraging them to find something more interesting.
If he finds a job/sport/group of friends/college course he likes, he will use less.
If he finds a girlfriend who doesn't like it, or decides he wants to travel to a country where it isn't available he will stop. etc.
<clings to straws and tries to convince self >
I need help/reassurance here please. I 'phoned 999 today because dh's nephew who we have brought up for the last 7 years punched Dh in the face after a calm request for nephew to smoke outdoors not in him bedroom. He has been taken to cells and the police have been lovely. Nephew had contact with his mother yesterday which I'm sure was a catalyst but we promised ourselves that the next time he was violent we would press charges. So should we do it or let the police scare him a bit then let him home? Really not sure, nephew is desperate to join the Navy so an arrest could ruin that but I worry his temper would let him down anyway.
Is this the first time he's been taken away and put in cells?
If so, don't press charges, just let him have a fright.
Have you called 999 before? Because if you haven't he might not have thought you would really do it, so he really needs one strike. If he has been physically violent before you might have to press charges, though, to make it sink in.
First time for 999 but not first time he has been violent. Dh's brother has gone to the police station to see if he can scare nephew about a record stopping him joining the navy. I don't want him back in the house tonight so bil is going to take him back to his house for a couple of nights. Our ds's are only 9 and 7 and were so scared, will take a while for them to get over today...
Then if it's first time for 999 I wouldn't press charges. With luck, the police explaining to him what would happen if you pressed charges, and what will happen next time (whether you press charges or not - they won't be so nice a second time) may well be enough to stop him.
Just as a matter of interest, what led up to it? Did your dh go into his room or try to force him to go outside? Not that I'm saying you shouldn't do that, but you want to make sure he doesn't justify the violence in his own head by saying "they pushed me to do it".
I would sit down with him when he comes home as well, and go over the house rules (including smoking) and discuss what is and isn't ok. We've had to give in on the smoking in the house and I hate it, but ds is 19 now and smokes in his own room. Stopping him would mean constant rows and I have other more important battles to fight [sigh].
And, by the way, it is very good for your younger children to see you call 999 and to see him taken away. It sends them a very strong message that you will keep them safe
Thank you all for your support last week. I did come back and read all your replies and was trying to detach. But the situation has become unbearable and In not sure how my relationship with dp can actually survive This current situation. Some of you must have dp's who are step parents how do they cope.?
Foot face I'm afraid you end up having to "choose" between them. I chose my DH because my son's behaviour was intolerable to me too. He went into care when he was 16.
Footface, you can either choose for you and your dh to split up (which you might have to, sadly). Or you can just carry on your life but not giving your ss any headspace at all. So a ban on discussing him, a ban on having him in your house, a ban on supporting him financially etc until you get your head sorted and decide what you can and can't cope with. The latter would need your dp onside - he would have to realise that in order to maintain his relationship with you, it has to be carried out entirely separately from his relationship with his son.
In our case, at one stage it looked like we would separate, with dh taking ds1. Thankfully it never (quite) got to that stage. He is 19 now (like your ss) and if he was still doing the things he was doing at 14/15 I would not have him living here.
Thank you both for your replies. I think I have to take the bull by the horns and say xyz with happen or dc's and me will ask you to leave.
Midwife your ds sounds very similar, sometimes it's overwhelming
It is overwhelming. He is so abusive that I have to have periods of no contact to re establish boundaries
feeling guilty as hell throughout
I sorry to hear that midwife, sometimes just sometimes I feel like cutting contact completely
I can't do that forever of course & I do worry myself sick but when I get abusive text after text because I won't give him money I don't know what else to do.
You need two phones Midwife. You need to get a new phone and number and leave your old SIM in an old phone that you can check (or preferably get someone else to check) periodically.
The only way I could survive through the worst times was by not thinking about it. Continual texts would have driven me completely mad.
He's gone quiet since the texts last weekend because he is sulking that I have said no & therefore don't care about him
even though deep down he knows he was wrong
One thing I've been thinking about - I'm actually really scared that he will become an abusive partner to women in the future. He has such anger issues & can be so nasty & violent. It's a horrible thought.
If that does happen you can be a supportive mil to those women - not like most of the mil's on the relationships board who seem to support their sons, no matter what .
I remember posting on an adoption thread once that if ds got a girl pregnant, and she was one of the gang he was hanging around with at the time, I would support the child being taken into care. NOT that I wouldn't love a grandchild, not that I couldn't look after one, but that he was not suitable at the time to be a partner or a parent.
It would have been an awful thing to do, but I know it would have been the only thing to do.
He is improving though, all the time . Maybe yours will too? Going by the 2/3rds of chronological age I am clinging too, your ds is about 14/15 in his head, so still has some growing up to do [hopeful]
Yes emotionally he is about 13 I reckon. I hope he does grow up before he gets someone pregnant!!
Things not good. I've been signed off work I had a complete melt down yesterday , just collapsed and couldn't stop crying.
DD has refused to go to school. She has controlled assessments today one if which requires cooking ingredients. Now she's told me she is going so mad rush to shops to buy stuff.
She is being shunned by all her friends at school so that isn't helping. She's still adamant that because she's behaved for 3 days she should get an I phone. Her birthday is Saturday and I have bought her nothing.
I'm wrung out. She's alternates between totally ignoring me and screaming at me.
You have to just wait it out Doin.
Could she go somewhere else for a few days? It must be almost half term, so maybe she could go somewhere for half term and you could have a proper break.
Being signed off work is good. And we have all had days of uncontrollable crying; sometimes you have to reach rock bottom before you can start to climb . Time off work is time for you to be nice to yourself, get yourself together a bit. Have you talked to the gp about counselling, because I really think you need someone irl to talk to.
Buy her something for her birthday, and a card, but not an iphone.
Can the school sort the problems at school? Do you know why she isn't getting on with her friends and could the school do some sort of intervention to sort that out?
There is nowhere for her to go maryz . I'm dreading half term because shell be with her boyfriend and he's not a great influence . I took her to school at 11 but she says she won't stay all day .
She has always had trouble with friendships, even in junior school, i I think it's some sort of insecurity thing . She has said shell go and see the counsellor on Friday so that's a blessing. I am waiting for a call from the home /school liaison officer who is meant to be a support for me. GP is not much use. He actually said he doesn't know what to suggest . There is a drug centre near us where I think anyone can walk in and get advice/ help so I might try them.
Do try the drug centre. At worst you will get a cup of tea and some sympathy .
After going through loads of official channels, I found the voluntary-run family support centre was the most helpful, because the people there really understood.
I think you need (just for a little while) to try very hard to look after yourself, I really do.
If you can't stop her being with her boyfriend, maybe don't even try? I know it's really difficult, but every fight you have with her that she wins is proof to her that she can do as she likes. Maybe just take a step back and only fight fights you can win (even if atm that seems none at all).
One fight you can win is being absolutely determined that she cannot control your reactions to her behaviour, that you can walk away and refuse to discuss things. Do you have a "safe space" in your house where you can go if she kicks off?
Detach, detach, detach, that's the best advice I can give you. It won't fix her, but at the moment you are in a horrible position, and really until you are coping better yourself you aren't physically or emotionally able to deal with her.
Can't post too much, I'm exhausted. DD attacked me today. I found her in a cafe with 2 young men. We had appt at school and she didn't want me to go . She barred the front door and wouldn't let me out. I got the phone and said I'd call the police if she didn't move. She then went for me . I did get out of the house and went to meeting with pastoral manager and a police woman.
After a lit if pleading I've managed to get her dad to have her tonight.
Doinmummy- can dd dad not have long term? I'm really sorry thus is happening. Being barred from leaving the house or room is awful. My ss used to do it. I wish I had called the police now. Did she move when you told her you were calli g the police
Her dad said he can only have her tonight. She would not budge when I asked her to move so I got the phone and tried to ring the police. That's when she attacked me. Police searched her room and found more evidence of drugs. She'd run off by then.
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Re: On which OS is Mathematica best implemented?
On 2008-05-22 04:25:07 +0930, LeftCoast_Dave <I.am at nul.domain.com> said:
> On which OS is it "ahead" by and large
> /these/ days?
Being originally written on the Mac I find its windowing metaphor makes
more sense still on Mac OS X (there's no shortcut in Windows to cycle
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Has anybody figured out how to play any music or internet radio using Bluetooth method? I have 2010 Soul + w/ upgraded stereo / Droid X phone, and it pairs / syncs contacts fine, but the only way i can get cell phone's internet music(RadioTime) on car speakers is by using an aux in cable... which also means that i can't get my cell phone's navigation to play over the car speakers. Has anybody got their cell phone navigation to play over the car speakers? Via bluetooth or cable ? Thanks
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California Employment Law
Have California Employment Law Questions? Ask a Lawyer.
Good morning Donald, I'm Doug, and I'm very sorry to hear of your situation, and the confusion. My goal is to provide you with excellent service today. In order to give you a clear and concise answer, I will need some additional information about the circumstances, please.1. What sort of work are you doing?2. Did you ever sign an agreement (non-solicitation agreement) not to take the customer contacts you have and use them in a competing business against your former employer?3. Did your former employer let other competitors know who your company's customers were?Doug
1) I am in customer service & sales
2) I signed a seperation agreement when I left so I could get my sevberance.
3) I do not know if they did or not.
I can email you the sereration agreement and the letter I received yesterday.
Hi Donald,If you have a computer file of the agreement you can attach it using the paper clip icon in the message box tool bar. Otherwise you will have to contact customer service to arrange to get it to me. I cannot receive emails directly from you.But it probably isn't necessary that I see the who document. I only need to know if you signed an agreement not to use or disclose trade secrets and/or company information you gained while working there.Doug
Yes I did.
But I only called on theclients and did not disclose secrets and / or company information.
Good morning, Thank you for the additional information. I'm very sorry, but by contacting the clients, you violated the contract with your former employer. Not only that, because you did so for your new employer, if you do not cease doing so as demanded in the form letter---and it is a form letter because their attorney specifically drafted it for them to send out before they incur legal fees fin suing their former employees-----they will in all likelihood sue both you and your new employer.
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Now, CA does not allow is a non-compete agreement which would prevent you from going to work for a competitor. So you cannot be told that you cannot go to work for a competitor in CA---like you can in virtually all other states. However, your former employer's client list, contact numbers and contracts with the customers are considered the property of your former employer and you can be sued for interfering with the business relationship they have with their customers, and for theft of trade secrets based on your use of the information you have acquired while working for the former employer.
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A fundraiser will be held Saturday for Colin Albright, the 25-year-old cyclist whose throat was slashed by a driver who may have believed Mr. Albright had cut him off at a red light.
Mr. Albright, who was released from the hospital Monday, is suffering from blood loss and a wound to the shoulder after he was attacked Sept. 5 as he carried his bike up South Side Slope steps shortly before 11 p.m.
"Pretty much every wound was very close to fatal," he said.
One missed his carotid artery by three millimeters. Another was headed to his brain stem but deflected off his skull.
"The one in the shoulder was on track for a lung but caught the tip of a bone," he said.
At least some of his medical expenses are covered by his father's insurance. But Mr. Albright and his wife have been struggling financially since July 2011, when a house he owned in Garfield suffered a fire the day he had quit his job to begin renovating it. He tried to repair the fire damage but finally had to find a buyer. He was to have sent papers to the closing company the day after the attack.
When Chris Matrozza thinks of his friend, "he's pretty much being Job at the moment," he said. That's the biblical story of a man who suffers so God can show Satan the strength of faith and love. Both men attend Hot Metal Bridge Faith Community, a South Side congregation of the Presbyterian Church (USA) and the United Methodist Church.
Mr. Albright had been working at Pro Bikes in Squirrel Hill, but his wife just lost a temporary job, Mr. Matrozza said. So Mr. Matrozza organized a fundraiser Saturday from 5 to 10 p.m., in OTB Bicycle Cafe, on the South Side.
Many local businesses have donated raffle items, including a KHS Flite 100 road bike from Iron City Bikes.
Mr. Albright hopes the incident will move others to reflect on the destructiveness of anger, and to try to heal the world.
As he was bleeding and thought he might die, "I was at peace with that," he said.
He was acutely aware that 11,000 people die daily from malnutrition and contaminated water, and saw no reason why he should be spared if they weren't.
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"I don't want people to forfeit their responsibility for the world that we live in and say, 'God will save people like Colin.' I want people to feel that it's our collective responsibility to create a culture, a society and individuals that do good and not harm to others."
On Wednesday the Pittsburgh police released a sketch of the suspect, a tall, slender white man in his 20s or 30s with dark, receding hair. He was driving a small sedan, possibly a silver or gray 2002 Mercury Cougar.
He had assumed his attacker was on foot. But after calling 911 he followed him down the steps and saw his car. He thought he remembered it from when he had exited the Hot Metal Bridge.
The car was stopped on a red light at Water Street while Mr. Albright raced across Water on a yellow light. Mr. Albright believes that may have prevented the driver from anticipating the green light, making him angry. But the driver said nothing, and Mr. Albright wasn't aware of being followed.


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Bupa Malta appoints branch manager
Health insurer Bupa Malta, part of Global Capital plc's portfolio of insurance and investment operations, has appointed Charles Zarb as the brand's new branch manager.
Mr Zarb started his career in insurance over 25 years ago within insurance broking, and pursued his studies in insurance, obtaining the Associate Diploma of the Chartered Insurance Institute in 1987. He progressed to Fellow in 1990.
Shortly after, he was appointed general manager of a local insurance agency.
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Bupa Malta was the site of Bupa's first international business in 1971. The group now has customers in 190 countries around the world.
It is committed to making quality, patient-centred, affordable healthcare more accessible in the areas of wellness, chronic disease management and ageing.
See our Comments Policy Comments are submitted under the express understanding and condition that the editor may, and is authorised to, disclose any/all of the above personal information to any person or entity requesting the information for the purposes of legal action on grounds that such person or entity is aggrieved by any comment so submitted. Please allow some time for your comment to be moderated.


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EPA rejects request for lead-tackle banPosted on
The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency denied a petition calling for a ban on the manufacture, use and processing of lead in fishing gear.
In a letter to the petitioners – the American Bird Conservancy and a number of other groups – the EPA indicated that the petitioners did not demonstrate that the requested rule is necessary to protect against an unreasonable risk of injury to health or the environment, as required by the Toxic Substances Control Act.
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The EPA's letter also notes that the prevalence of non-lead alternatives in the marketplace continues to increase.
The American Bird Conservancy and a number of other groups petitioned the EPA in August under Section 21 of the law to "prohibit the manufacture, processing and distribution in commerce of lead for shot, bullets and fishing sinkers."
On Aug. 27, the EPA denied the portion of the petition that related to lead in ammunition because the agency does not have the legal authority to regulate this type of product under the law.


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This Friday the 29th 6pm Qualcomm Drag races if anyone wants to come and race or watch. There will be a few of us there running our cars.
This Friday the 29th 6pm Qualcomm Drag races if anyone wants to come and race or watch. There will be a few of us there running our cars.
Monday Bump for Friday night drags
i might roll the unicorn out....depends on when i have enough break in miles
Too bad VW stopped building cars in 1992...they might have been on to something.the VW community ain't what it used to be, it has turned into competition rather than camaraderie....
1990 GLI, 86 cabby, 86 Golf aka the turd
Best BBQ Sauce on the planet
I hope i find my 2 of my Studs for my Slicks. if not looks like i will be running my truck since its slow and doesnt really burnout so i wont get stuck at the line
Well i ordered two studs from Bogart hope they are here by friday
Well I got my mk3 ready. I'll be doing more testing and tuning more than anything...hope the track is prepped well. Got the 25inch slicks ready. I'll be running 25psi....we'll see how it holds up.
i did soch fed ex 2nd day air. Hope they come today or tomorrow at the latest
race time
today is qualcomm drags. There are a few dubs running tonight if you wanna come watch or join in.
Dope! What's entrance fee? Still $5 to spectate? I haven't been in years.
IG: @royal_aloha
i think it's $10 to spectate nowadays. getting ready to head down right now to go watch.
yeah...i got screwd...but it's ok...i'll be ready for the next race.
what happened?
soch is too noisy.....lol.
total bs....there's a bunch of domestics that are louder and they never say **** to them.
That track sucks the Techs there suck!!!!! But like Soch said we will be back in two weeks to run again. since it is the only track in San Diego besides Barona.
This friday th 13th 6pm legal drag races at Qualcomm. dubs come out and play or watch. 2 weeks ago we had a pretty good vw scene there.
2 more days till we get to abuse our cars
Hurry up friday and get here.
one more day till we get beat on or cars
See you guys tomorrow gates open at 5:30
bump for tonight


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