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Thank you God…someone who sees what I see…
February 12, 2012 in Uncategorized | Tags: %, 5, 7, 99.9, accept, advise, alcoholic, alone, analysis, anxious, ask, asleep, ass, astounded, bar, base, best, brain, building, calmly, can, chair, changed, chuckle, comfortable, communication, confident, corner, correct, correcting, counseling, couple, cozy, crazy, dash, days, daze, deflection, determined, dinner, disappeared, disgust, dream, drink, else, emphatic, entry, everything, eyes, face, fallen, familes, feeling, feelings, fidget, finances, foggy, forbid, forget, forward, friends, friendship, frustration, frustrations, fun, furture, gasket, gathered, God, goodbye, goodness, grough, gut, hallway, hands, happy, heard, hearing, heart, hell, HELP, himself, holy, home, horror, hurt, i love you, indication, initiate, input, intrigued, invest, inviting, issues, jobs, jotting, kicker, kidding, kiss, knew, learn, leave, lies, life, lifetime, look, lose, magazine, man, marriage, married, me, meaningless, mind, mirror, mouth, muster, neither, nervous, no, noise, notebook, notes, one, open, out, outside, over, parent, past, patiently, phone calls, plans, playing, please, polite, privacy, prove, question, read, red, relationship, reply, revealed, rogue, roll, roller, roommate, running, rut, salvation, saying, scribbling, sees, session, shit, shock, silence, sinking, sister, situation, smile, softly, SOMEONE, spilled, sprung, squirming, stating, table, talk, talking, tears, tests, thank you, things, trembled, true, truth, understood, up, us, voice, waiting, waiting room, wake, walked, wall, week, well, whoop, willing, work, writing, wrong, yourself | Leave a comment
When we last left our story, the counseling session had gone well and ROB was anxious to go back. Was I anxious to go back? Let's just say I think that I was anxious about it all, our life, our marriage, our relationship, our friendships, our families and mostly my heart and feelings. Could I continue with this? Would things really change this time or was this just another rogue and I would get hurt once again? It was soon to be my time to say, THANK YOU GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE.
I decided to invest it all…put my full effort into it and move forward. I wanted my marriage, the man I married and most importantly…our happy life. Did ROB want the same? I guess I would learn over the next couple weeks. Our counselor told us that we had to start talking more with each other. Communication in a relationship was everything; without out it, the marriage was more or less a roommate situation. Each day, I tried to come up with things to talk about. Our plans, what was happening with our jobs, finances, families and most importantly what was happening with US. Each day ROB would get up and go to work, he would give me a kiss goodbye with a I LOVE YOU. We would talk a couple of times a day, usually about nothing and then when ROB would get home dinner would be on the table. Things went well for about the first 5 days, then as usual, back to the same old rut. Back to the ever so meaningless conversations, the phone calls of being on the way home and then not showing up and then the lies once again. How can no one SEE WHAT I SEE?
For the next 7 days all I could think about was that next counseling session. How was this to work when we were only going a couple of times and we couldn't keep it together or learn from the past and move forward to correcting the issues and finding the happiness we once had? How was I going to get across that I needed the man I married, the one who cared about me, our future and was willing to do anything to hold onto it? How was I going to get ROB to look in the mirror and wake up?
The day finally came; time to head back to the counselor. What would our conversation consist of? Would ROB & I have to initiate the conversation or would she start the conversation? Why was I so darn nervous? Was my gut trying to tell me something my brain was not willing to accept? I guess I would find out soon.
I walked into the waiting room and just as I thought the sinking feeling started. ROB was not there and I wasn't sure once again if he would even show up. I checked us in and sat in the chair that I thought would become my chair of choice while waiting to enter into our room I thought would be our salvation. As I sat looking at a magazine, in strolls ROB. All confident and sure of himself. I remember him coming over, sitting in the chair next to me, and leaning over to softly ask me if I thought these sessions were helping me? Helping me??? Weren't we there to help each other? Weren't we there to work on US? Why was ROB really there? Was I the one with all the issues? My mind couldn't even muster up a response to his crazy question. I just looked forward and the wall and my hands trembled as I tried to continue to hold the magazine.
As I sat waiting for what felt like a lifetime, I realized it had been less than 5 minutes and I heard our names being called. ROB so confidently sprung out of his chair and took off down the hallway. I followed but still in a very foggy daze after what I had just heard. It kept playing through my mind; Are these sessions helping you?
I made my way into the office and took my usual chair. ROB & I always sat facing each other and the counselor off to one side in a roller chair. The office was very cozy and inviting. Thank goodness for this as I was not ready for what our session today had in store for us.
As we all got comfortable, the counselor started; so both of you, how did these past couple weeks go? A silence fell over the room as she looked back and forth at ROB and I, and we stared at each other. ROB started saying something, I think it went well. We talked and followed your advise. Again, silence. Are you kidding me? Which house was ROB in and how can he seriously sit here and say this? THANK YOU GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE…the counselor looked over to me and asked if this was correct? I remember looking at her and then back to ROB and saying, somewhat if it was only based on the first 5 days. A loud grough from across from me. I guess ROB didn't agree and that's when EVERYTHING changed. Oh if ROB had only known how that sound would open a can of whoop ass on himself like I've never seen before; and it wasn't going to be from me.
Our counselor looked at ROB and asked what the noise was for? He replied to her with, we talked, did more things together, went out, had fun and she says something like that? The counselors reply to that was, WELL ROB, WHY WOULD SHE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT IF IT WASN'T TRUE? True? We were going to base this on the truth? ROB doesn't know what truth is anymore was all that was going through my mind, but I sat quiet waiting for a reply, just as she was patiently waiting. No reply. I started to fidget in the chair. ROB started to get red in the face. Oh, this was not going to be good. Then his reply, I DON'T KNOW WHY and all eyes were on me. HOLY SHIT!!! Tears started running down my face, what the hell was this? Why were there these tears, how was I to get through this. I remember wanting to just dash out of that office when my mouth opened and it all spilled out. Yes, we talked about certain things and when I tried to bring up anything serious or of matter, ROB would turn it all off and either walk away from me or get mad and just sit in silence. Then I started talking about how in the past couple weeks, there were at least 8 nights he didn't come home, but rather went out with friends or to a bar. I never quit understood that, how someone could just go sit at a bar by themself and drink, but my ROB sure could and by the time he left the whole bar knew him and had become his new best friends. And that's when my input in this session ended; and not because I was done, but because this was going to be a moment in time ROB would never forget.
The office we were all in became quiet for a moment. The counselor was jotting something down in her notebook. Man I wished I could get my hands on that notebook and see what she was writing and read what she was really thinking about us, our situation and how she thought she could help us. If I had only known what she was really writing in that notebook, I think I would have fallen over. She looked at ROB and started with the questions. Questions that intrigued me, but what astounded me were the responses.
It started off with family questions, why was ROB so upset with his parents, why was he taking is frustrations out on all his relationships, why didn't he have a better relationships with his sister, did he ever take responsibility for anything bad that happened in his life, why did he always have to drink, how many drinks a week did he have, how often did he drink at home, would he and is he comfortable drinking at home alone, how many times a week did this happen, and here was the kicker…DID HE THINK HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC? I saw the frustration building in ROB as she continued question after question, his question of deflection of WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND SHE IS JUST SITTING THERE…but when that last question hit, I thought he was going to lose his mind and a gasket in that room. With a chuckle, head roll and roll of his eyes, he gave an emphatic, NO! Again, more scribbling in that notebook! What was she writing?
As she calmly sat back, I couldn't believe what I was hearing…ROB, BY WHAT YOU HAVE TOLD ME AND OUR CONVERSATIONS, I BELIEVE I WOULD BE 99.9% CORRECT IN ME ANALYSIS OF YOU BEING AN ALCOHOLIC. What, did I hear that correctly? Had I fallen asleep and this whole thing was a dream? As I sat there and the conversation continued, I knew this was no dream. ROB, in a voice of disgust and horror replied with the most determined NO WAY IN HELL. You have no idea what you are talking about. I am not sure why, but that comment I remember brining a smile to my face, to this day I am not sure why, but I also remember thinking…THANK GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE. The counselor continued stating; I am sure that if you were to take the tests, the results would come back with her assessment being correct. ROB continued to look her in the eye while squirming in the chair saying she had no idea what she was talking about. Her reply, if he was so certain, take the test and prove her wrong. That's when my last remaining hope disappeared. With that ROB said an other stern NO and got up and walked out. I sat there looking at the counselor. Neither one of us saying a thing and I wasn't sure if our session was over, should I also leave or would ROB come back? Who was I kidding, we both knew he wasn't coming back and that's when she said, I don't know if I will see you or both of you again, but if I don't, I wish you well and please look out for yourself. What has been revealed in just these couple of sessions to me, is a clear indication that this won't end well for you. I stood up in shock, gathered my things, said a polite thank you and made my way out of her office. I remember standing in the hallway to gather myself as I was very nervous as to what I was going to have to face once I turned that corner and ran into ROB, whether it be in the waiting room, the entry, outside this office or God forbid in the privacy of our home.
Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!
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