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I am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
2,499 thoughts on "Hate being a mom"
Hi Ladies,
I never thought this website existed. The stories are ; OMG. Anyways. Do any one of you think that if we were back in the good old days (50s, 60s) where women were not allowed to work or have career, you'd still have this feeling (of not wanting to be a mom?). Could it be that the media or this "system" has made women to believe that they're men and can do everything a guy does? I'm just double checking. Someone I looked up to said that mothers or women are not women anymore. Women's sole purpose is to give birth and to keep a warm home. I went on research and unfortunately read that any work that a woman does, chances are that the guys does it better. Degrees that women get these days are useless, men still land on top with their engineer/physics/computer/ science degrees. Some even suggested that its useless to go for colleges/universities (women); money is wasted this way. The real purpose is simply to bring children in this world and to raise them with unconditional love.
I myself never understood marriage or children. But raising children I did see as a good deed, a sacrifice that can bring you closer to God. My mom is born a housewife born to have kids and worship these kids. One day I realized that I could never be like her…this natural sacrifice this natural thing that she possesses…no resentment no nothing..just pure giving and old fashioned love. How can I be so different (like my dad…who could not sacrifice a minute of his time to his children, even if his life depended on it). Its not only mom, its her entire bloody bloodline…her sisters and brothers…Its like genetic or something. But then she was really raised in my back country where men work and women stay home to take care of kids.
I so understand this part, and part of the reason why I could not get married. You become something non-existent that only slaves away 24/7. But then again i'm scared that my ego is enormous…why can't i sacrifice myself for the good of the world? And what happens when I'm old? No fruits of my labor that I can enjoy. I honestly don't know anymore. I just want to know if in the past there were women like this as well who hated motherhood.
Thank you all for yours stories and may God make your daily sacrifices easier.
You can always just leave, run away, divorce, cheat, or get a job and nanny, if you really don't care about the kids.
All my life I always assumed that I would have children, and that at some point, the biological clock and maternal instinct everyone was talking about would kick in and the time would seem right. The thing is, I'm now almost 37 and those things have never kicked in… although the panic about "time is running out and you better choose" seemed to kick in around 34. Women describing this biological urge to have children is a totally foreign concept to me that I can't even imagine. I feel like there has been some mistake somewhere, and that someone forgot to include my biological clock. It's hard for me to fathom how ANYONE can make the life-changing choice to have children. It's hard for me to fathom how anyone can wake up one day and say, "You know what? Let's give up our free time and dispensable income for AT LEAST the next 18 years." Like… how does anyone do that? I can't even understand. I have nightmares where I discover that I'm pregnant and have a mental breakdown about how my life is basically over. I wake up in a panic and then feel an incredible sense of relief that it wasn't real.
And yet… And yet.
I still struggle every day with whether this is the right thing to do. I feel the pressure from my upcoming birthdays, knowing that soon I will have lost the ability to choose differently. I wonder about whether I'm going to get bored of living the life that I'm living now, doing the same things over and over while the lives of those around me seem to change and evolve with families. I see pictures of me and my siblings as little kids and think about how f****** cute we were, and wonder if my kid would be cute like that. I catch myself having the thoughts I've had all my life, like, "When I have a kid, I'll name it X…" or "When I have a kid, I'll teach it to play soccer." I've had these thoughts for forever… and the thought of closing that window, for good, is a weird, sad thought. I see my grandmother with my family — with my mom and my aunt, my siblings and my cousins, my cousins' kids, my grandmother's great-grandchildren, and I think about how none of us would be here at all if she had decided not to have children. I think about what people might have existed in the future if I chose to have children. It seems like a lot to give up.
The more I think on this issue, the more I don't know how I could give up the life I have and the things I love. The more I think that I'm just not mother material. The more I think that I would feel miserable and trapped, like so many of the women on here. But the choice to me, does not feel like an easy one. I wish I could just make the decision, as some on this board have done, and feel solid and happy in my decision, but I don't think I can do that either. Maybe this whole process is just me working to accept a decision that I've already made. I don't know.
It's a very hard choice for us thinkers. I just had my first baby a week before I turned 42 and my wife was 40. I had the same thoughts all my life about all of the good times to come. I knew it was getting close on the proverbial clock so we went for it. 3 months in and it's a mixed bag, mostly positive. I love him more than life itself, more than I've ever loved any thing or any person. Even more than my dog that died 9 months ago, and that is saying an awful lot. Everybody says it and I concur; the day he was born was the best day of my life. But it's damn hard. My wife would say it's harder for her but I disagree for my own reasons (mainly that I can't whip out my boobs and make him stop crying.) We are making sacrifices and will make many more and for what? It's not an investment. There is no tangible reward. So I don't have an answer really. There is a lot of love and hope for the future and hopefully that will be the big reward.
I feel this exact same way… any changes in the last few months.
You can adopt
I know I'm trailing this thread by about a year, but such an engrossing reply.
You seem like a thoughtful woman. I feel you, except I'm a man, so less time constraints, obviously. Still, I've looked at the question of having children through pretty much the same set of lenses. I think as I get older I might wish I'd built up a family, plus I firmly believe I'd be an awesome dad, but I felt certain as a kid that I didnt want kids, and at 37 yrs old I still have no desire to give up nearly all of my time and energy. Just today I entered the grocery store restroom to find a young dad changing his son's diaper and thought, wow, I'm gonna get some bananas and go on with my completely independent, somewhat-adventurous, somewhat-unpredictable life. But that guy is taking that screaming kid home where he's bound to soil that fresh diaper in, what, 4 hrs? Seriously though, I say, maybe we don't have to think so hard. Maybe whichever thing we wanna do most we're just gonna find ourselves doing. There will always be regrets no matter the path we choose. But lord I cherish my freedom and I can sense the poorly-masked envy of my friends with children. I never feel envy in the other direction.
that is selfish, i mean think of the women you probably pushed down to get your pregnancies, and now suddenly they are not enough. i guess nothing will be enough for someone like you. you could start your own home business. you should be grateful for what you do have.
You're so ignorant. It's perfectly reasonable to hate being a mom and hate being a stay at home mom. Every aspect of that is miserable. You're stuck at home with a child, lose all aspects of socialization, sign your life over to a screaming, whining infant. Your husband loses respect for you because you're just a " stay at home mom". And how the he'll did she push other women down to have a baby? Wtf are you on? How is her having a baby preventing other women from having a baby.
I agree with you.
If you don't like it then why did you do it -.- also its fine then hate it no one stops you but don't use that as an excuse to avoid responsibilities for the children though, they don't know any better yet. They need guidance and parents are the ones suppose to do that. Try getting some hobbies it helps.
Maybe you should read some of the comments if you don't understand why
Spoken like someone who has no idea what they're talking about.
I feel you. I miss me. I miss my hobbies. I miss my independence. I have two kids and, for some insane reason, I am trying to have another. But it just feels like adding years onto my sentence. Honestly, my husband does the bulk of the childcare and home duties, but I still feel like a shell of a person, stretched completely thin, and like a failure at everything. I feel like I give all of myself away and I'm exhausted. I love my children more than anything, but sometimes I really really wish I didn't have them.
If you wish you didn't have them, why are you trying to have another?
Biological urge can be extremely compelling and is totally illogical in today's world. I went through the same thing–absolutely didn't want another child, but was living with my fiancé, and that biological urge was almost impossible to ignore. He had kids from previous relationships, so he didn't want kids, either.
Hi all,
I've been trying to reach a decision on whether or not to have kids for about 6 years now. Soon it will no longer be an option, that's how long I've waited.
Part of me feels it might make for a sad future, especially when I lose my mother, who is my only living relative. I will then be "completely alone in the world".
Another part of me realizes that I am at heart quite a lazy person. I am deeply immersed in my own interests and not only am I not a children enthusiast, I'm not much of a people's person. In general, I like solitude, and my peace and quiet are precious to me.
i find it hard to believe I would change drastically due to motherhood, suddenly becoming an energetic,outgoing person. But perhaps there is a silver lining–when they get older, for example?
Im just wondering outloud here. Does anyone have any advice?
hy frankie, are you sure your name is not Helen?:)))because honestly this msg seems like is written by me,all of it. i don t know where are you from, i m from Rome and here family is a reaaally big deal….i m in the same situation and decided to be child free forever, and honestly is the best decision i ve ever had. i too fear of losing my only living relative, my lovely mom who is my best friend too. i don t have friends because i alienate everyone, like you i like solitude, i don t like company of other people,seems like everyone is stupid these days these future generations feels to be really really retarded… i have the support of my mother who doesn t want grandsons in particular,so this helps me a lot, hope you too have support from your mother. i decided not to have children not because i read the regret comments of the internet, but because by now i m the only one left without a child,every person that i went to school with from 1 grade to university has a child or two or three and they don t seem happy at all. yes, on Facebook everyone is extremely happy post amazing picture,but at the end at the day when i meet one of them downtown, in parks ,supermarket,etc they are not happy at all,they look exhausted ,scream all the time,have that look of desperation on their face even id they try to mask it with no success,and it doesn t get any better, it changes only from sleepless nights to crying, to screaming toddler, to constant supervision,to being pregnant at 14, to ask money for an iphone like they have the right, to no respect teenager… think about the time changing, the new generation change, if now in 2016 children don t have childhood anymore,plays of apple tablets at 2 years old, want to go to disco at 12 years old,have sex, they are annoyed by the time they are 17 because they rush into things like never in history before and decide to have children as well.. think about a child in 2026, i honestly think it gets worse because the technology changes people, you can raise a good kid like we use to be it this bad changing world my dear! back in the day my mom wooded my ass at any occasion i misbehaved and i thank her for that because i m a loving daughter , and respect her and help her very much. now you can educate children anymore like back it the day, you can t yell a little because you risk that neighbors send social workers on you, is outragios, that s why new generations seems like savage animals.
so, like a final conclusion, you can have a baby if you want to never sleep again, be stressed and worried every moment of your like till death, do homework's and school all over again because you have to help you child , have no peace and silence only screams and yelling from you and him both sides, have no money, work like an animal to keep up with demands that this generation has, have no life for yourself and be responsible and life only for another person, no liberty to do whatever you want when you want, have no social life because child free people don t want you near and the only social life you can have is sitting at mcdonalds at a sunday party surrounded by 40 little screaming infants, have only retarded conversations over and over again all day long and watch cartoon every day of your life for like 10 years,god forbid you have a special need kid so you go from no money to really bankruptcy and double no life,occasionally once a week some minute of -of what a cute baby laugh while throwing jelly all over the couch with a spoon. no honey, is doesn t worth it. you could regret having disrespectful children, is better that regretting not having them. if you regret having children you can only kill yourself or live a miserable life till the end of time because there is no turning back, but if at 60 years old you regret not having children it just a matter of days or hours thill you book an amazing retiree 2 week cruise over the carribbean with fiestas and people and the regret disappears. trust me dear, is better this way!hugs and kisses from Rome
I agree that it's down to personal choice and i believe it is a fundamental right to choose wether or not you want kids and for it to be socially accepted. I have a concern for your lack of faith in the future generation. I'm 17 years of age and I am the future generation as you call it. We are not all bad and I bet your parents thought the same about your generation. And since you alienate yourself from people then you don't know how the younger generation are like as you havnt taken the time to get to know anyone. Ignorance is bliss.
Everyone i know who is a parent is miserable. They hate their lives, their hate their spouse and they hate their kids. Oh, they put up the Perfect face, like you said but they're not happy. Worse, once you have kids your don't see your spouse (male or female) the same way again. All the joy and romance are gone. They are now a "parent". At least, this is my experience and if you don't want to have kids…don't. Don't opt for a life of misery because you think it's what you "should" do to please someone else.
I have advice. Your world will completely change with a kid. You will be centered around that child 24/7 and will have to put their needs first for a LONG LONG time. If you can look at the hard times ahead as character-shaping, then you may want to consider it.
I had a friend that wanted a baby SO BAD and when she finally had the kid a few years later she sounded completely disillusioned and said that being a mom was a thankless job.
If you really feel like you need to think about it that much, its probably best not to have a kid just because you dont want to be alone.
Dear, trust me nothing will change, my advice don't have kids I do and hate every sec
Don't have kids. It is miserable, if it's enough to make women who wanted kids their whole life miserable, it will destroy people who were on the fence or completely uninterested. You literally sign your life away and enter a lifelong game of who's the best parent. Where no matter what you do you will be doing it wrong. You will literally have to tote a crying, screaming ungrateful kid EVERYWHERE you go, say goodbye to relaxing date nights, say goodbye to quick 5 minute runs to the grocery store, nothing will ever be quick, nothing will ever be serene, nothing will ever be quiet again for YEARS. And all of that is not even bringing pregnancy and birth into it. A devastating and tramautic experience that your body literally never recovers from, and that you could literally die from. There's A reason why some mothers walk away from labor with ptsd. It is horrible and you will never full recover from it. Notice how mothers say it was miserable but worth it? You can avoid that by just adopting if you change your mind and want a kid. You will never be too old to adopt, you can save a child, give it a happy home, AND you can adopt an older child and forego all the miserable baby and toddler years.
"Another part of me realizes that I am at heart quite a lazy person. I am deeply immersed in my own interests and not only am I not a children enthusiast, I'm not much of a people's person. In general, I like solitude, and my peace and quiet are precious to me"
-I relate to this hugely!! ( after much anguish and deliberation I'm preparing to have a termination after an accidental pregnancy at the age of 41, and I feel TERRIBLE, I've spent the 2 weeks I've known feeling hopelessly conflicted about what to do…so I've been searching in all directions online for clarification of my feelings)
This is me too, I enjoy my own company and my solitary activities A LOT, and am glad to be childfree, the thought of having a small someone demanding my care and attention 24/7 for YEARS makes me panic, and feel very trapped. I actively avoid going to places where there are lots of children, unless I have to, because the screaming and shrieking does my head in. I don't like being around people of any age 24/7 and am very pleased to finally be living alone with my pet- after having to share with roommates for years because of finances. I enjoy being 'auntie' to my friends children but am always relieved when they go to bed and we can have adult time(which my parent friends crave desperately!) Reading this thread has made me feel a sense of clarity I couldn't get to before, so thank you. I don't feel good about having a termination, but feel even worse about the prospect of having a baby I don't actually want- because of society's view that every woman SHOULD want children "the best thing in the world!" (and I SHOULD magically change into "happy fulfilled Mommy" once it arrives…but judging by this thread, and my feelings, It seems highly unlikely!) I'm not sure if it gets easier as they get older. They go through lovely phases, then they become teenagers! I've looked after children as a job, all ages, for many years- mainly because it was a job I could get with no qualifications that paid well-It's never been my calling or something I thought of as a 'career' I was quite good at it but never thought of it as my main job (I had an adult oriented job as well) I did enjoy spending time with the older ones a lot more, it depends on the individual child, so you won't know until they're already here….that's the problem, you have no way of predicting what any individual child is going to be like- so to have one you should REALLY want it- however it turns out. I'm not at that place and am pretty sure I never will be.
I decided I didn't want to be a mother this year, two years before my 30th birthday. It is like a weight had been lifted from my mind. I will be able to pursue my life as I see fit.
I agree, it is an expected social 'norm' and shouldn't be. The freedom to make your own decisions is very important.
Some people call people who don't want to be mothers selfish. I couldn't disagree more. It means that I won't have a child who I resent and who in turn feels resented. Selflessness doesn't just include being a mother. I am very selfless in other ways.
I look forward to a childless future and to being honest with my future partner(s), should the topic of children arise. That way there's no mixed messages and pressure later down the line in the relationship to bear children.
To all the women above who have been so honest about not wanting children, I applaud you. It takes courage to know yourself and strength to vocalise this out loud.
I am glad you spoke your mind Ellie. I feel the same. Many do. And i don't think women need to be made fun of, judged harshly for feeling this way.
I'm mid 30s, don't have kids, thank God. But my gripe is that once all your friends start having kids you have to stop doing some of the stuff you enjoyed unless you do it alone or spend 24/7 with your partner because you're friends priorities change, nights out are off the table, going out for a meal means 9 times out of 10 they bring the kids with them so goodbye adult conversation while they constantly have a minimum of 50% of their attention span on said child.
Life doesn't just change for those who have kids, it changes for everyone!
I'm in my mid 30s and I do have kids and I REGRET it! I wish I never had them! The older they get (they're 12,13,16 yes I was a teen parent) the less I want anything to do with them. Motherhood is the most thankless, exhausting, unrewarding job I've ever had. I want to leave my kids in Texas and go to a whole different state that is how done with being a mother I am. I know this sounds so selfish but it is what it is! Everything is always mom's fault! Everything falls on my shoulders and I am DONE! I am completely fine with them going with the ex and me going about my life! I don't want this role anymore. I've gotten them this far let the ex do the rest. I just want ME back! I want my life back before I decided t ruin it with kids. If you don't have any and you are torn between having them and not PLEASE DON'T! I hate that I feel this way because I do love them. I just don't want them anymore.
I love my two boys but I hate being a stay at home mom/wife. My first child was unplanned and is hell on wheels! He is high energy (4 yrs) annoying and requires tons of attention and stimulation to keep him out of trouble. I swear he is adhd and ocd!!! Drives me insane and brings out a side of me I absolutely hate. I don't like being around him. He does not listen and makes being a mother miserable. What makes it worse is if it wasn't for him I would not be married still. Just before I got pregnant i started college and planned on getting a career and a divorce. I had to put everything on hold because my husband helps with only bringing a paycheck home. Zero support from him and I am 2400 miles away from family and friends-even inlaws! I tried to be a SAHM but I have lost myself and I feel so trapped. My second child (7 mos) was planned and is an angel so far. What a difference!!!! yes, even at that age I could tell I was in for it with my forst born. Hell, I could tell in the womb he was gonna be a tough one!!!! I can only hope my first born does not taint my second sweet baby.
I wanted out of my marriage since the first year. My hubby had a 4 year old (now a teen) and for the first four years I was stuck caring for him when we had him which was 50/50. I was stuck because I quit a job that I had that was based on seniority and had five years invested in. You cannot just quit a job like that and go back you would have to start over at the bottom. I was promised I could go back and get a college degree. Nope, I was tricked. I was told this is what I had to do.
I try to make the best of it I really did but it doesn't help with a demanding husband, an ungrateful child and step-son. My only hope is getting my tubes tied, my second sweet son and my two dogs-my first babies. I should have followed my gut and only had dogs and no kids and no marriage. Sometimes I think getting a divorce will help me to at least have a break and force their father to step up and be a dad. He cannot even feed or bathe them because he "doesnt know how." Lol he does not pay bills, he does not clean, he does not cook, he does absolutely nothing but get up go to work and come home. My lack of education and lack of family support instill fear in me to not get a divorce. I don't know how I can support myself and my children and my dogs on my own. My life sucks and I don't know how to undo the past 10 years of mistakes that I've made to get where I am today. When I met my husband I was fit, I had a secure job, I had confidence, now I haven't had a shower in three days zero sleep in a year overweight and I'm just going to bat shit crazy !!!!
I think you should follow your gut right now. You seem to be the kind of person that knows what to do, but will stick around thinking it will get better. Take care of business NOW so you can get your life back… at least somewhat… sooner rather than later!
"Mistakes" ? Having a family should never be referred to as a mistake you have a responsibility to care for your children despite what you had to give up to have them and if your child is misbehaving then it is all down to the parent. That is the blunt truth. It sound like you have favourites because of your own doing. Being a woman my self I encourage you to seek happiness and divorce your husband because it's sounds like your better off without him. You sound like your practically a single parent already with no income so a divorce won't make a difference. You can even get a divorce online nowadays so there's no exuse. You are a mother and you need to do what's best for your children and it is your duty. You had them so it's your responsibility. Don't complain because there is such a thing called a condom which you could have used in the first place considering you already didnt like the idea of a child with your step child. There's no exuse for being a bad parent and it's selfishness that gets in the way of children not having a propper upbringing!
I started out never wanting children. I didn't want them to feel like I did as a child. Then in my late 20's I began to see family at Christmas with their children and it caused a longing I had never had before. By my early 30's I had romanced the notion of having children to a complete fantasy, I blame it on the old biological clock. No one can prepare you for what being a mother is really like. It never gets easier either, no sleep is replaced by a different concern or worry at each milestone. If you have little support by a partner or family, the stress is twice as bad. It's enough to make you crazy. I have two children 11 and 13, a boy and a girl. I love them very much but I feel my whole life has been robbed. I made the choice to have children and I even have a husband to help but your life is never the same. I had visions of sweet smart children who did their best in school and made good decisions. No one prepares you for when both your children have physically and mental problems making it even more challenging to provide and care for them. I do my very best to make them feel lived and provided for. But honestly my life feels over, I feel unappreciated, and really would advise anyone who questioned whether to have children, to stick to your first instinct. It rarely turns out like people think it will. Unless you want to sacrifice your life fully to others for the rest if it. Don't have children.
I can't agree with you more. I never wanted kids and with two at 16 and almost 20, I still hate it. I tell people all the time, 'if I could turn the clock back, I would NEVER have kids'. I was talked into it and am still sorry to this day. And my kids are good kids, but all they do is cost me money and even though they love me and tell me, it does absolutely nothing for me. It continues to be a thankless job that gives me nothing. Its sucks. If you don't want kids, listen to your heart and don't feel pressured by anyone, society or your biological clock. I hate it!
Ive heard this so many times… too many to count. Its really annoying how society chastises women for speaking the truth about having kids. (usually women… society also represents women as wanting the kids and tricking men into having them *eyeroll*)
You shouldn't feel like your children have robbed you of your life. That's a big burden to put on children you produced. No matter how challenging or difficult, if you love your children then that sacrifice shouldn't be a problem in the grand scheme of things. If you raised them properly with love, care and good morals their happiness and success should be you main concern not "being robbed of your life". Also when parents say they feel unappreciated then join the club because parents don't get medals. Children don't wake up one morning and give their parent a pat on the back you should only deserve appreciation when they are grown up and forfilling their potential. I don't mean
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You can give the kids back. It is NOT the same. Not even close. Day in and day out you need to be "on" for them. As a mother who never had a desire for children but my husband literally demanded one, I hate being a mom. He goes off to work like a happy camper each day and his life has not changed much. Me on the other hand, I have had numerous medical issues, including the need for 8 surgeries after having my child, changed my life so dramatically that I don't even recognize myself, feel trapped, alone and miserable. No family support in the area, little financial support from the husband to pay for the costly care my child has needed – while I was recovering from surgery, pre-school, clothing, shoes, toys, etc. I nursed for 2.5 years, my child NEVER slept the first year. Literally up every 2 hrs until the age of 1 yr, 3 mnths old. Husband slept in a separate room for the first 9 mnths after child was born because he needed his sleep. No help then, barely any help now. My child is now 4yrs, 4mnths old and I'm more miserable now than even before. It DOES NOT get easier, it just changes. Teaching everything a child needs to know is WORK, constant, never ending work. My child has only slept over 1 time at another relatives home. 1 time, I am NEVER without my child. The simplest of things are a challenge and added stress. Taking a shower, going to the bathroom, trying to do your hair, just getting dressed, etc. You have no idea how taxing these once simple, taken for granted tasks can be with a child. Not every child is "easy". Some require much more interaction and attention, are more sensitive or active or born with physical issues. My child is VERY energetic and needs a lot of physical activity. Some kids can sit and play for 1 hr at at a time. My child does not. Movement is key. Stimulation is key. Sometimes, if there is a sibling, it can help but then there are challenges there too. Fighting, more expense, more energy needed for them, etc. For a woman who never had the desire for a child who now has one, I feel sorry for my child. I wish my child had different parents. I wish my husband would be more help. I wish we had family near to help give me a break. I wish my health would be back to before I had my child. I wish people would stop judging women who really don't want kids because truly, it is the child who suffers when these women do have them under pressure. I wish people would understand that not everyone is made to have children and that needs to be OK.
It IS ok. Whats done is done but the takeaway here for women in a similar situation is to walk away. Walk away from that person that demands something you dont want.
I just want to make it absolutely clear that I am not in any way judging you. I am so sorry for your predicament, and I hope that things improve for you.
I too am unhappy being a mother. I wanted a child for so long and now I feel that I never should have done this.
I secretly hate being a mother. I never wanted to be pregnant or ever have children, but I'm a f****** idiot and had careless sex with my ex. Now I feel trapped in a relationship with him and with a child I secretly wish I never had. My dream was to travel the world and focus on my career, now in stuck with a man who is all about himself, who is boring, has no ambition, lazy, depressed, and manipulative. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just leave him. Sometimes I wish religion wasn't a factor in my life so I could have had an abortion and continued on the right path I was once on.
I'm not of childbearing age anymore but would like to share my experience. I accidentally got pregnant after being married for only a month. Didnt like being pregnant and after 10 months (yes.10) had a 9 lb boy who was NOT cute because, well, 10 months. The day after going home I got very sick and had to go back to hospital.Thank God! Tried to be a "good"" new mom and breastfeed butnever liked it much. After he was aboout 5 days old he was really cute. I loved him so much but his dad was a loser. A loser who I got pregnant again when #1 was 7 months old. I divorced him. Never got a dime in child support. Back then the courts didnt care. I was not happy about having second one. Seven years later i was remarried and had #3. Tubes tied. I cant say I was thrilled about being a mom. I probably would have been fine without kids. My parents helped a lot. All of my pregnancies were accidents and after #2 I was told I'd prrobably never have more.Oops. My son died when he was 29. I have a contentious relationship with #2 and #3 wont work. I cant say it gets better. It just changes. My oldest girl is 32 and shes made so many bad financial choices shes still living with me. Every time I try to get away she follows me and blames me for her own irresponsibility. Ive decided to leave the state. Hopefully in June or July. Todays society comes down so hard on women who regret having kidds and question any woman who chooses not to. Parenthood is romanticized on TV. Its not real. And it costs a LOT of money. If one tries to live up to the stereotypes on tv and in magazines and the morning news shows they will go bonkers. I think everyone should be commended for being honest.
I'm so sorry. Youre so right that its romanticized. I'm happy to see women posting their story so others can benefit.
I'd like to do a sort of informal and short poll, if any of you would like to participate, that would be great.
1. Did you feel coerced or pressured into becoming a mother, so that you had a child or children even though you knew in your heart that you didn't really want to ?
2. Before giving birth, did you have a completely different idea of what being a mother would be like (you thought it would be easy and fun) then after having a child or children, did you feel let down or tricked by the reality of child-rearing?
3. Did you have a child with a man whom you have grown to dislike, fear, or even hate, and would like to get away from?
4. Does your child remind you of someone in your life that you dislike, fear, or hate, such as your abusive mother or rejecting father, or your spouse, or someone you feel jealous or envious of, like a sibling or a cousin, etc.? Or, does your child remind you of things about yourself that you don't like or feel ashamed of?
Thanks for participating.
Got pregnant on accident with a guy that I wanted to break up with. He ended up ending the relationship after we found out about the pregnancy.
Honestly, I regretting dating the guy before I found out I was pregnant.
Didn't want a abortion because I felt it was killing. Not that I care if anyone else has had one I just felt it wasn't for me.
Raising a child on my own. It was easy in the beginning. Even though I hated being tied to this little thing at least it was easy.
So although I always regretted dating that guy. It's now turned into I regret being a parent.
I was not the type of person to party and drink. But I was a runner and very active traveller. No more of that.
To be a decent parent, you first need to be a decent person.
Some people say being a parent makes them a better person.
For me, being a parent has taken away my ability to be empathetic. For me being a parent has made me very judgmental. For me being a parent has made me hate other people. For me when I see children, I no longer see cute, I see germ infested tyrants. For me when I see people with children I don't see people who have made a huge commitment, I see people who are stupid for giving up a good life. (See judgemental…)
Probably has nothing to do with your impromptu survey.
Theres a really great video on you tube from a psychologist that discusses having kids and why its a bad idea for most people.
Think about it: most will basically make that child suffer while going through the process of becoming a "better person" and I dare say that a lot of parents with children out of the home are still not that great, so wheres the logic in that?
Can you write the link for this video? Thank you!
This is just making smart decisions. :) All good things, All good things! -Olaf
Honestly, I am 28, I love life, I love dogs, and I enjoy kids, but I would never actually want to have kids of my own. I think they're a nightmare at 2, or at teen years. The only time I like hanging out with kids is around 7 or 8, when they're fairly inquisitive. I don't have kids or dogs, but I like volunteering for PAWS, Animal welfare, or for Boys and Girls Clubs, just to be the "big sister", Or to volunteer with American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
To the original poster, I do hope you've started enjoying life. <3
and by "nightmare", I mean screaming kid… it's rather frustrating being hyper-sensitive to noises, but that's how I am around kids.
But all the more respect to those who want kids and still care for them.
I've been reading this thread for days and am SO GRATEFUL to you all. I don't know what happened to me recently.
I'm 42 and don't have a maternal bone in my body. Never liked anyone's kids or babies (even when I was a child) – an only child from a BIG family of very fertile, non-maternal women who tended to get pregnant at 16 and see it as a disaster. Moved far away to big city and all my friends caved in and had kids in their late 30s, changed massively, now bore me to tears. I'm an introvert and I cherish my own time.
Yet because I have no immediate family (died) and had the BEST parents, I have always thought I would one day recreate the 'bond' with someone else…by having a child. Always ringing in my ears: 'But you don't know what it's like til you have your own!" 'There's no other love like it!' 'It's the hardest and most rewarding job ever!'
To the point where I got my eggs frozen five years ago at great expense and discomfort. Now I have a great house and job and the best, most supportive, but much younger partner, I started taking risks. Kaboom – pregnant. CRIED. And CRIED. And CRIED. Devastated. Felt as if my life was over. Grieved. Felt I'd lost myself. Repulsed by the physical changes. Felt buried alive. Trapped in my own body. Tried to get hit by cars. Cried again. Considered suicide.
Ended up having an early termination this week. I still don't know what hit me. I now feel immense relief (with sadness) but STILL worry that I will regret it. How awful am I to reject this 'gift' I was given that other people pray for?
I normally have no fear of going against the grain, so WHY have I fallen for this all-pervasive 'Motherhood is EVERYTHING' meme? Is everyone lying? Do they really love it? It seems like the sacrifice of everything for this intangible 'bond', these fleeting moments, smiles…a lifetime of worry and responsibility for no thanks.
This thread is amazing because it involves a lot of women who actually WANTED children. I didn't and still ended up thinking I did. I will read it and read it because I still think there's a risk I could end up in the same situation again.
THANK YOU wonderful ladies for your honesty. I hope you all find happiness and that you ARE rewarded for all the care and attention you give so freely. X
Don't feel bad bc you didnt want something others do. You can't be responsible for their lives and choices and they don't need to be responsible for yours. I totally know where you are coming from but its the logical equivalent of saying "don't throw your leftovers out bc a child is starving in Africa". Well, if the solution to that or lack of fertility was that easy- we wouldnt have those problems to begin with!
Do you have a pet?
I've always had dogs. Dogs appreciate you.
A child might never appreciate you. That child might but it's not a guarantee.
I should have terminated my pregnancy.
Hello Cemin, how are you now? Are you still child free or did you succumb to biological block/subliminal societal pressure? Kind regards
I mean biological clock!
Thank you so much for your comment Cemin.
I've been searching in all sorts of directions online, reading people's stories, yours is the comment that's closest to my situation- I've accidentally become pregnant at 41, from a 'casual' relationship I don't really want to be in, after deciding to be childfree, and not expecting this to happen at my age, I also went through the "but it's a miracle/gift" stage of thinking, and obviously parent friends all want you to join their club- so I've heard a LOT of "yes, it's really hard…but it's all worth it, there's no love like it" etc, like every woman hears when they're on the fence about reproducing. I've never pictured myself having children. I love my friends children but I also love returning them to their rightful owners after a few hours of babysitting. I've worked as a nanny and looked after friends babies so I know that taking care of a small baby bores me to tears- within a short space of time, I kept baby entertained and cared for them well but was clock-watching the entire time, waiting for the parent to return. I get on better with older children and even as a child I imagined the only way I'd ever have a child was to adopt an older one, and I wouldn't want to do that without resources and a lot of help either! I've got no family support and am in a very bad position financially, I have a debilitating chronic health condition that means I have little energy and taking proper care of myself difficult some days, I'm an introvert who likes to be alone a lot and do solitary things, I don't cope well with being around anyone 24/7 for long periods of time, unless it's an animal. On the "having a baby!!" pages I keep reading the phrase "you'll never be alone again!" the idea of this makes me absolutely shudder with horror. I actively enjoy spending time alone! Since I found out I was PG I've been going round looking at babies, of course they're cute (when they're not screaming) but they still do nothing for me, despite the raging preg hormones. My initial reaction upon seeing the two lines was "NO!!!" but I've been trying to talk myself in to the possibility of having a baby, simply because the seed of one is inside me. The father wants it and would help, but is in an even worse financial position than I am and has no way of actually supporting a child. I was feeling very conflicted until I found this thread last night, and read some 'why I'm childfree by choice' blogs that made me say "THIS is me!". Now I feel vindicated. Although I'm not happy about it, feel really guilty and know I'm going to be upset I'm booked for a termination next week. I will be 6 weeks pregnant then so it's still early. I simply can't imagine having the enormous responsibility of taking care of a child for 20 years or more, with no money, no permanent home and no support at all where I live (apart from the father, who I wouldn't live with) I feel panicky, trapped and resentful already and it's not even here! So I feel that I'm doing the right thing for the potential child as well as for myself. No innocent child deserves a mother who feels resentful, trapped and desperate to escape. Thank you all for your help in clarifying my decision. I'm in tears all the time right now but I know that the prospect of never having children is better for me than having a child I don't want, all because I made a stupid mistake with contraception. I don't think anyone should have children unless they REALLY want to, every child who is born should be wanted.
I think it's honorable and brave that all of you mothers on here are being honest and really telling the truth about your feelings. All I ever hear about is how wonderful being a mother is, or the "it's hard but I'd never change a thing"… I am 33, no kids, and over the years my interest in having children has gone from yes to maybe to we'll see how both me and the future husband feel to no… Absolutely not. I have no desire to have kids, I have no patience and I'm too selfish with my own time and my relationship with my boyfriend, who, thankfully, feels the same as I do. Thank you all for your candor, as painful as it is, because you're doing the best you can, and as a bonus can perhaps dissuade others from having kids and regretting them as well… For me, you've cemented my feelings, and I am grateful to have read these intimate testimonials from you. Good luck, and I wish you the best.
kinda the same… no patience, no time,too stressed out with managing my own life, how would I manage someone else? :) LOL… But I'm happy.
I think what you moms are doing is commendable. I just wish other moms were as honest as you all are. I personally think it takes a lot of courage to admit that motherhood is not all it's cracked up to be, so kudos to all of you!
Every day I wake up wanting to scream.
Take care of toddler….work for eight hours…come home and take care of toddler and put her to bed… I have no down time. I want to stab myself in the face most of the time. I'm so frustrated. I just want time for myself. I used to be able to actually relax, and read, and have plenty of time to write, and actually go out and have fun.
And I get so frustrated with my daughter. I hate it. She's such a sweet heart. She's a doll. I love her so much. We've been struggling with potty training for, I don't know, the last year! I've tried EVERYTHING. She's stubborn. We talk about it. I asked her one time if she wanted to be a big girl and be able to wear big girl undies and go to the bathroom by herself and she scrunched up her nose at me and said NO!!!!
I think its really healthy to know your own mind and heart about becoming a mother, its really important to choose one way or the other ahead of time. Not every woman is wired for the psychological aspects of motherhood, and that's normal because not everyone is the same. I chose to remain single and childless, I knew that I didn't really want to be a mother pretty early in my life.
I think its great that some women really do want to be mothers because they genuinely like kids, actually enjoy the little sticky kisses and constant neediness when they're babies and enjoy watching their child grow up into an individualized adult. My younger sister knew that she wanted to be a mother; she was a single mother to her son, who is now an adult and a really great guy. (I do love being an Aunt.)
However, I do think that it is terribly and tragically wrong to have a child when you are ambivalent about motherhood, to decide after the fact that you truly hate being a mother, but then for God knows what reason, to decide to keep the baby and not give it up for adoption.
Every child deserves to be wanted and loved to pieces. If you really can't stand being a mother, but your child is already more than a few months old, PLEASE realize that you have chosen this obligation and are now honor-bound to be the loving, tender and nurturing mother that is every child's birth-right.
Unless you try very hard to be loving, your child will pick up on the fact that you don't feel any attachment or love for him or her and it will seriously damage the child's emotional health.
I know, because I was raised by a mother who actually hated me. She blamed me for "chaining" her to my father. I grew up with a broken heart. I never understood why my mother never seemed to want me around her, and I never understood why she was so angry and irritable with me all the time. She made me afraid of her because she would literally scream at me in rage and hit me, and then she accused me of being a "cold, unloving, rejecting" child. I was basically punished for existing. Mother almost neglected me to death when I was a year old, I needed emergency surgery due to dehydration. I grew up deeply depressed, anxious, and with zero self-esteem, and afraid to trust anyone.
Please don't do this to your child. Please either give your infant up for adoption or get your child a good nanny, or let your child be raised by your parents, or something, anything, that will provide the child with a truly loving caregiver who actually wants him or her, someone your child can bond with, love, and trust. Its essential for your child's mental health to be genuinely loved and wanted, by somebody, even if its not you.
I hope this message is not deleted.
Dear Jennyjen,
Your posts echo some of my own experience and emotions. I too never wanted kids, and said so when we got married (my hub said same for him)–and then 4 years into marriage hub suddenly wanted them–bad! After 3 years of hellish discussions (torture), I finally buckled: I started doing fertility treatments to try and have a kid–50% just for my husband b/c I love him like crazy, and 30% because I suck at earning money and was terrified of divorce. The remaining 20% was me convincing myself 'it'll probably be great…like everyone says…you'll get into it…' But all the while 100% of my subconscious, and my gut, were screaming DON'T DO THIS; YOU DON'T WANT THIS; YOU'LL BE MISERABLE AND RESENT THE KID. It's made me sick: I have horrible acid reflux and have to be on meds to have a normal stomach function. Ironically, a symptom of GERD is a hugely puffy stomach–which often makes me look as if I'm 5 months preggers. The fertility treatments have finally come to a close: they failed, and when I found out I involuntarily pumped the air with my fist (I was alone; found out on the phone), while my husband is devastated. Now he wants to try a donor egg or adoption, but now I can put the brakes on and not risk losing him. He knows I tried hard to make his dream come true, even though it literally tore me up inside, and he's very, VERY grateful.
I wish you so much luck and love in figuring out your situation. Talk it out with therapist & BFFs, but don't torture yourself for years like I did (which makes you sick). Just make your decision and stick to it. HONOR YOURSELF and your desires. The alternative is a rough road.
Dear I hate being a mom, I so understand where you're coming from, being a parent is a hard job and once we have the kids we might hate the job. Cuz I hate it too at this point, and I can't have kids.,, long story. U have my support!
I never thought I wanted children when I was younger, but then in my late twenties my bio clock and hormones must have started to go crazy. I began a relationship with a man who already had a son from a previous relationship, and I thought, yeah, I can do this… I can be a mum…. The when I had my own child, I realised what a mistake I had made.
I am simply just not maternal enough. I don't want to be around my child all the time. I prefer lying in bed, going to work, watching films and going to the gym, hanging out with my friends, going out to dinner, intelligent conversation, reading books. i dont really like kids anyway, why was i so blinded and weak to fall into societys trap. I just did not konw myself well enough back then, i have made a mortal and incorretable mistake. Its all my fault, i can own up to it, but now i just want to find a solution that will make my sons life better as well as my own, my partners and everyone around me. the latest thing is that My partner now wants to move his stepson in and for me to look after him as well. I am saying hell no and moving out.
What I really want to do is to give up custody of my own son to my partner, but I secretly think that he wouldn't want that because he likes going out to work and spending time with his friends and going to parties etc. and he'd prefer to just have kids every other weekend unless he's got someone around him full time (I.e. me!) to look after them all the time. But I think I would be a better part time parent because he's actually better with kids than me and me seeing my son every other week is fine, and that way he won't pick up on my negative vibe. Should I just come out and say that I don't want my son to come with me when I move out? He'll think I'm a monster, I probably am, but I have learnt that I hate kids, and everything about them, motherhood isn't for me. Or maybe I should threaten him and say that I will call social services and say that I hit my son, then I will be banned from seeing him altogether and then he'd have to look after him 24/7 well see how he likes that then!
God it's good to get this off my chest. I need to decide what to do about this in the next few months or so. I certainly want to get sterilised very, very soon too. I should have done it in the first place. Mea culpa! It's all my big stupid fault. Sometimes it would have been better if I had died before any of this all happened.
I think your story is a perfect example of why the "choice" of being without kids needs to be out there. Sure your bio clock may have been ticking but had you been confronted more openly with the reality of raising a child instead of the "its all unicorns and rainbows" philosphy that seems to be shoved in our faces you may have no made the same decision. I feel for you lady and I am sorry you are put in this position. I don't have kids so saying this is kind of pointless but, try to make the best of it.
I love my children very much. What I hate about being a mother is their idiot fathers. I know my children and I would do better if I had the money to move them far away from their poor-excuse-for-a-man worthless fathers, but I don't have the resources to do that. So, for the childless women doing research – make sure that you absolutely can financially afford to parent on your own if the father becomes a self-serving idiot. And you just never know…ALWAYS BE PREPARED.
I understand completely. Its refreshing to read that I am not the only one who does either. If I could go back and do everything over again I would have chosen a completely different path. I used to have that maternal instinct but for some reason its like it just disappeared. I cant stand being with my kids. I dont want to be a housewife and clean up after everyone anymore. I am so sick of being alone so much. From the outside it looks like a have a good life and alot to be grateful for…but inside I am dying. I only want to take care of myself. I am just so unhappy inside and everyday is a struggle to try to push on. Everyday I just say to myself "One day I will be free…one day". I fantasize about just leaving my family and running off. I hope it gets better. For all of us.
I understand completely. Its refreshing to read that I am not the only one who does either. If I could go back and do everything over again I would have chosen a completely different path. I used to have that maternal instinct but for some reason its like it just disappeared. I cant stand being with my kids. I dont want to be a housewife and clean up after everyone anymore. I am so sick of being alone so much. From the outside it looks like a have a good life and alot to be grateful for…but inside I am dying. I only want to take care of myself. I am just so unhappy inside and everyday is a struggle to try to push on. Everyday I just say to myself "One day I will be free…one day". I fantasize about just leaving my family and running off. I hope it gets better. For all of us.
I have the same fantasy.
Drop son off at preschool.
Go get my dogs and drive off to a new and quiet life.
Or I could win the lotto buy a townhouse and hire a full time nanny. That way I could live by myself in my apartment.
Either way, child free is the best way to be!!!
It's like i wrote this, i feel the same every word
There's a great Facebook page called "I Regret Having Children." Check it out.
There is also a website called Scary Mommy with a Confessions section. If you want nothing but the truth, check it out!
and we gotta be here to support the women and men that want to make this same amazing choice. :) amirite?? lol :)
I think there's nothing wrong with deciding not to have children.
Some women just would rather not be mothers. I think there's nothing wrong with choosing to have an abortion, or choosing to give your child up for adoption at birth if you really, truly do not see yourself as mother material.
What I do think is horribly, horribly wrong is to have children and then chronically resent them, blame them for "ruining" your life, and make their little lives a living hell by punishing them every day for having been born to you. That's just sadistic, cruel, and inhuman.
I was born to a woman who secretly confessed in her therapy journal that she felt pressured into marrying someone she shouldn't, felt pressured to have children, and then hated and resenting me in particular (her firstborn) for having "anchored" her to my father.
Surprise, surprise: as it turns out, my mother was seriously mentally ill; she had borderline personality disorder. A hallmark trait of personality disorder is to never take personal responsibility for your own decisions, but instead to always blame others.
Of course if my mother had chosen differently, I wouldn't be here now. But still, I wish she'd had the humanity, the compassion to either give me up for adoption at birth or the courage to seek therapy. Instead, she "fed and watered" my younger Sister and me, but her resentment and disliked of us leaked out, on a daily basis.
Mother's thinly-masked hatred and resentment showed itself as frequent, intense emotional abuse, physical abuse and emotional neglect; it messed up my Sister and me pretty badly. It really does a number on a child's head to tell the child "I love you" and then treat the child in very unloving, even cruel ways.
Sister still has big blocks of childhood amnesia; I coped by shutting down my ability to feel my emotions. We both still have some PTSD symptoms, but they are lessening with age.
My mother is deceased now; for the first time in our lives, my Sister and I know what peace feels like.
Please. Be courageous. Just admit, "I really don't think I want to be a mother, after all" and give your baby to someone who does, very much, want to be a parent; someone who has the skills, the temperament, and the level of mental health necessary to be a good-enough parent.
Every child DESERVES to be wanted, to be loved, and to have good-enough parents.
The crime: the unforgivable crime, is the hypocrisy.
Hypocrisy is having children you actually resent, dislike, and mistreat (lying to the child: saying that you love your child but behaving in horrifically unloving ways toward the child IS mistreatment; its called "mind-f******") while claiming the honorable title of "Mother."
My mother and father were married but 3 years into that marriage, an accident happened. That would be me.
It's "fun" growing up being the blame for someone's woes.
It's a shame that my son is also an accident and I regret not terminating the pregnancy.
But I don't blame my son.
But he has no respect for me, so the vicious dysfunctional cycle continues.
I've been told I cannot give him up for adoption.
Annie, I agree with what youre saying but you really should be more angry at a culture that pressures women to have kids they dont want.
You seem to be making a correlation between women that dont want kids and mental illness. While that may have been the case with your mother, it doesnt mean its the case for all women… PEOPLE… that don't want kids
Your statement about every child deserving "good-enough" parents…. you realize that many people that want kids aren't necessarily great parents, right?
The real crime is living in a baby culture… everything and everyone praises to high heaven being a parent… as though they pop out a kid and are automatically a great mother or father. Most of the time the child pays the price for the parents process of becoming a "good parent".
I never had kids because I never wanted them. Guess what Annie? I STILL RECEIVE flack for it… even from women that say if they could go back in time they would never have kids again!!
Its a sick society.. I never had kids and never had this problem but you had better believe I am blaming someone else!
I would like to start of by saying I've done everything right…i got pregnant at 17 finished school got 3 jobs worked my ass off even tho i had no where to live other then friends houses baby's father is a waste of space I've gone back to college bought a house got a good job promising career to raise this child i try so hard to put on a smile and make them feel loved but everyday it just gets harder and harder to pretend, it takes everything i have not to run away and everytime i drive through the forest i think i could just turn my wheel and have it all be over withbut i know i brought this kid into the
world and I'm the only one who will take care of it…i feel awful yes but i do what i have to i just wish i could see the good part… see child raising ad something more then just another awful chore as i said I'd want my child to feel unloved but i more and more frequently find myself did
thinking if i didn't have a kid… I'm just trapped And i wish i could just slip into a coma…i would never hurt him i take responsibility for my actions but im just so tired…
I understand u so much I feel like I've lost my identity….I am no longer who I use to be I don't have any free time I'm just so burned out
How to live now, when i trully understand that i hate being a mom of two… What to change in my life to be happy? I love them with all my heart and in the same time I regret not bering childfree. I am a really smart woman, i had the highest grades at uni, I want to do something interesting in my life, i adore travelling, and now i feel like all these opportunities are slipping through my hands… I never thought of suicide i love life too much, but i am really unhappy with the choice i made. And it was my choice, not my husband's, he wanted to wait.
I am jealous of you, childfree women, you can always change your mind. I can't anymore.
And I don't know how to go on like this every day…
Hey. I've been reading this thread for a while now. I really need to speak to someone about this topic because the pressure I feel is not making me sleep at night anymore. A bit of me: 33 (going 34 this year and I can't believe how quickly time has passed), very young looking (I'm asked for my ID always and get the shocked looks) but 33 all the same. I've gone back to living with parents two years ago part because I started a business venture and had to spend my money on it rather than rent, part because my dad is sick and I want to help him as much as I can. I've never felt maternal or wanted kids and I still don't. I lived with this older guy when I was 20 and we talked marriage but he shot himself in the head after 2 years. Then I dated someone else, again wedding talks but he left me for someone younger (I was 25). After that I dated casually but never pushed anything that didn't happen naturally and I still live by that philosophy. Unfortunately, call it time/nature/whatever I fear extinction, being forgotten, alone and depressed and possibly being found dead in my apartment 6 months after my demise. All of this because I've decided not to have kids. I forgot to mention that at this moment I wouldn't have any money to raise any and that I'm an only daughter, so I'm the only one in my family who can carry on the (not so indispensable but young-looking) genes. I feel the pain of you mothers, but at least you don't have to worry about death and loneliness when you get older. Family is always a comfort. I don't know, I'm confused. Sorry for the long message.
Actually being a parent doesn't mean you will not die and no one will find you until 6 months later.
The rate of kids abandoning their parents or kids ending up in jail.
There are no guarantees in life.
Enjoy your single life, you have true freedom.
I agree with this post… you don't need to have kids to complete you. And death is a solitary affair always has been (no matter how you dress it up) funerals are only for the living not the dead.
Hi you really have no guarantees that your kids will be there for you when you get older. I'm 53 and have no regrets about not having children.. no fears of being alone (I am alone, but happily so.)
Enjoy your life NOW. You wont get this time back. I traveled etc etc when I was younger but I have to say that my ONLY regret when looking back was wanting to be "in a relationship" and all the time I wasted seeking one.
Everyone can have a happy and fulfilling life without a partner and definitey without children. Someone posted a few years ago on this blog that many women that "love being a mom" are the ones that had no aspirations and couldnt think of anything better to do, so they became moms. Dont throw your life away wishing for something that isnt. Enjoy your life today!!
Thanks for the great advice Coco.
Youre very welcome.
I feel ya on the fear of dying alone part, but that's what friends are for. I don't have kids and have a hard time making friends but as long as you're not a total recluse you won't die alone. And if you do, who cares? You're dead! :)
Don't worry too much about the fear of dying alone. As I write this, there are old people whose children stashed them away in some nursing home and are never visited by family. These people will die alone, but with the pain of knowing that they have family who rejected them at their greatest time of need. And this may be through no fault of their own–their kids turned out to be horrible people and they now suffer the consequences of it. So family is not always a source of comfort. Family could be the opposite, even children.
So my plan is to surround myself with friends and a loved one who is also on the same page with me about living a child-free lifestyle. Strong, life-affirming friendships are underrated in American culture, but these provide a great source of comfort comparable to what family can provide.
I agree. From my experience, family can be the biggest source of false friends
Wow all these comments make me appreciate everything my mother had to go through in raising me and my sisters even more. I seriously don't know how she did it. She divorced my dad because he had a serious drinking problem and then fought like hell to get sole custody of us. We then moved to a new state and completely started over.
She gave us such a wonderful childhood and now that I am older and married I am really beginning to realize all the hell she went through raising all of us as a single parent. I feel so guilty about all the crap I put her through growing up.
My husband and I have recently made the decision to be child free and I couldn't be happier. To all the struggling parents on here just wait until your kids are grown and understand what you really had to go through to raise them. My mom doesn't know it yet, but this mother's day we are sending her on a cruise. :)
I so identify with the sentiment of loving kids but not the job of parenting. I don't think it is selfish to hate dealing with often CRAZY moods (mine/theirs) 24/7. Not only is parenting hard, it is the only job where you are judged harshly if you don't "enjoy every moment"! Really?! Even the the screaming, pooping ones? Just checking.
Also, what is up with the "if you didn't want kids, you shouldn't have had them". Thanks for the Monday morning quarterbacking. Have you ever gotten into a job that you really wanted only to find it was HELL because of the demands? Can't fire myself here.
Having had three kids in 3 and 1/2 years, I have learned a few things. In the hope that this may help someone even a little, here goes… 1)Don't expect your friends with only one kid or one kid every few years to "get it", they don't. Likewise, those mothers who have family nearby to babysit for free at the drop of a hat. Their parenting experience is light years different than yours (and mine). 2)Become good at knowing how close to the edge you are and walk away. No child ever died from crying. 3)As much as having even more kids around can suck…trading a few hours of alone time for babysitting with another mom can make life bearable. If the kids are two or older,they might even entertain each other a bit. 3)Regardless of how you feel about church, a lot of them have a mother's day out program once a week. Worth looking into. They also have Vacation Bible School in the summer that usually lasts a week. 4) The YMCA will watch your children for 2 hours/ day while you work out (or just sit in the hot tub) (or take a looong shower). Yes, you still need to be in the building, but it helps. They discount membership based on financial need. 5)If hubby or MIL or any resonable adult is in range, suddenly remember that you are missing a key ingredient to tonight's dinner or tomorrow's breakfast or whatever and jet. You coming home an hour later looking sane is all the thanks they'll need ;)
Those are some of my best tricks. My youngest is now three and it DOES GET EASIER in many ways. Be encouraged.
When when does it get easier coz I've been doing this crap for 10 years and its only gotten harder, I have four kids now and bloody hell the babies are the easy part not the older ones they are shit heads who never listen and treat me like dirt
I got a job that I really wanted, and took years to get, and it turned out to be hell on Earth–it was unrelenting, very stressful, thankless and I was surrounded by miserable people who liked to spread their misery. I did it for two years and then left it a few months ago. So I understand COMPLETELY what you mean–that parenthood is like that.
Good luck with everything, and keep your chin up. You'll be able to tolerate it more as your children grow (I think–not a parent here so can't say that from experience).
Me too.
I've known since a very young age that I never wanted children and for a while this was difficult for my husband to accept because he felt (along with family pressure) that it was the right thing to do. I continue to face harsh criticism and judgement from the majority of people when I tell them that this was a choice but I have learned to let it go since they are the ones who have a problem with my decision, not me. At times they can be relentless, spewing out every reason in the world as to why it is so important to reproduce. What I find most interesting is, these are usually the same folks who are the most stressed and miserable in their role of motherhood in real life, but yet, the life they portray on facebook or other social outlets is all lollipops and roses. A friend of mine who is a new first time mom is going through a very tough time and private messaged this site to me and another friend because she could never outwardly admit to others what she is feeling. Do you think that social media outlets like facebook set an unrealistic expectation for mothers? My heart hurts for her and many others on here who have to suffer through this experience in silence but at least this is here for you to vent. Just wish that one day people could be honest about the reality of life without being judged. Wonder what in the heck that world would be like. Hang in there, all of you, and may there be peace in your heart and balance in your lives sometime soon.
I am almost 30 years old, I have been wanting to get a vasectomy for a while now, but Navy protocol (at least at my command) says that I have to be either married/divorced, have at least 2 kids, and 1 of them as to be a boy. The obvious stigma is "you might want kids in the future." This site has given me a bit of comfort in knowing that mindset was correct that there -are- those who chose to have kids but regretted it. I could only imagine the amount of flack any of you would get if you made a public statement (where you identified yourselves) about regretting having kids.
I work in a hospital, so I get a pretty good glimpse of the crap that parents have to go through. It seems like each day I work is its own form of birth control. My biggest motivations is my personal comparison chart.
Person A makes 30k a year and is single.
Person B makes 30k year and has kids.
Person A gets to live it up, buy frivolous things things, travel to new places, spontaneously do things he hasn't done before, and live essentially a debt free/stress free life.
Person B is 1 missed paycheck away from financial ruin, can't see most of their friends because of scheduling issues, hasn't been on a decent vacation in years. Friday nights consist of things that your kids want to do. Your dating life turns to crap because nobody wants to deal with YOUR kids.
I keep hearing from older people that I "have to grow up eventually." Well, I certainly enjoy what's going on in my life, and I don't see the need to make it more "fulfilled" by having kids and adding unnecessary responsibility.
Good luck to all of you. I know I certainly couldn't do it.
You may want to simply go to a health clinic and pay for it yourself.
According to WebMd's Website:
"Fancy American urologists charge up to $1,200 for the in-patient vasectomy procedure, which takes all of 10 minutes, including local anesthetic. Planned Parenthood charges about $100."
Remember the mantra: "Less government in your life."
Thank you for very much validating my point.
Why does the Navy have such silly restrictions on vasectomies? That's a definite and crude type of discrimination against men who are single and want to remain child-free. I wonder how the Navy lawyers validate such an outdated, old-fashioned regulation, when a similar regulation premised on race or gender would be summarily challenged as discriminatory. The fact that you must have at least 1 boy to get a Navy-approved vasectomy also makes this regulation likely discriminatory on the basis of gender and probably unconstitutional.
I'm an early-30s man who is more and more convinced that I may not want kids because, as you mentioned, it leads to a relatively stressless, carefree lifestyle that is suited to exploration, travel and self-actualization.
The world already has over 7 billion people–we don't need to bring more humans to this already overcrowded globe. And I've seen my fair share of irresponsible, extremely selfish parents who clearly should not have children within their vicinity. Yet they keep reproducing, which is just tragic for the innocent parties involved–the unwanted boys and girls.
So good on you for understanding yourself well enough that you're not suited for parenthood. We need more people like you who are honest about this and act very responsibly.
wow. what can i say. i'm of childbearing age and my aunts, cousins and mom have been asking me about my plans of having children. i'm not even married yet but it seems they can't wait to have a new addition to the extended family, so screw marriage–is their logic. to be quite honest, i have always found babies and toddlers adorable and never had problems babysitting them for hours on end. believe me, i can't count the number of times i have undertaken the task of looking after my cousins' and friends' kids if only to grant them a few hours of time to stroll around shopping malls without having to drag their uncontrollable ADHD children. at the same time i never believed i could handle caring for one 24/7. i typed in "regret being a mother" and this page was linked by someone on one of the pages i browsed, by the way. i was scared that if i decided to have one i would immediately regret it. after all i'm not ready to give up my freedom and career. so i searched for answers via the internet. and here i am.
but i do admire your honesty, guys. all around me my mommy friends, cousins and colleagues seem to be enjoying their lives immensely, at least on the surface. some of them would relay their hardships but at the end of the day their kids are their little "pieces of heaven", their "greatest blessings", their "happiness" as if telling the world that all their happiness is encroached on their kids, as if with no regrets whatsoever. i always doubted the genuineness of that but now i know it's genuine for some but not for all of us.
i wish it gets better for all of you; i really do.
Heather… sorry… you sound like you really need help. Please leave the man and the baby… for their sake and yours, and just get a nice little studio apartment, a job you like, and be independent and man-free for a while.
I need this but when you can't afford your own place?
Alisha… Childfree women are on here for one of two reasons:
1) They are wise and researching the downside of being a mother before making a decision. They are actually making a decision rather than just getting pregnant on accident or because you know… first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.
2) They have decided to not have children and these posts are provide comfort in knowing that we made the right decision.
You're tone is really quite rude and ignorant. As a women raised by single mother and helping raise a step-child raised by a single mother half-time, I can guarantee you we have a life – career, disposable income, travel, and free time to research conscious reproduction.
I'm a single mom so I can understand how u moms feel. But my biggest question is y the hell r women on here who have no kids? Y are they sayn anything or even searchn this site? Get a life u childless women or better yet have a baby and then come back and tell us how happy u r after having a child
If your message is directed toward the women here telling mothers how dare they hate being moms because they would give anything to have a child, then I understand your frustration, but if it is also addressed to those childless women who come on here looking for reassurance that they are making the right decision, then you're way out of line. They only want to make sure that there's nothing wrong with their decision or with them for that matter, because let's face it, society judge women who are child free by choice and they have to deal with that everywhere they go. If anything, more child free women should come on here and read the heartbreaking posts.
First off if u lookn for an answer online about not having children then u have issues. My statement goes to any women who are on this site that don't have children especially the ones that have hateful words to women who have children. Don't take what I say personal if you are child free. But since you did……to me it's sad u are searchn a site where women who are stressed disappointed hurt need help on whatever feelings they have from being a mom. I would never go on a "child free" woman page and say anything bout any one. That's their choice not to have children. In fact b4 I had a child I never searched online if I should or shouldn't have one. If u have to search online for ur life answers then u can't think much for yourself then.
Wow, Alisha, so by that logic, nobody should ever ask for opinions or advice or find out what their life might turn out to be if they make a particular decision, because you didn't and you think it's 'sad.'
That makes zero sense to me since I research just about everything from which hair dryer to buy to where to go on vacation. It's called informed decision making. OF COURSE I would look to see if there is anyone who is unhappy that they decided to have a child, because it is generally portrayed as the expected, happy family thing to do once you get married. But having a baby isn't for everyone, even if it is the life script. It is one of the biggest, most life-changing decisions to make, and I wish people more thoughtfully considered it and found out the ramifications. In fact, I know how much daycare costs in my area, and I remind my mother-in-law of that anytime she brings up babies. :)
I have been following this thread for a long time, and I have read zero hateful things written by Childfree people. If anything, we have been supportive of those women who are frustrated in their role as mothers. It is other moms who have said some unsupportive things about fellow moms. I understand being a mom isn't sunshine and Polaroid images all day, which is one of many reasons I don't want children but fully support those who have kids but feel regrets sometimes.
I'd take you more seriously if you actually typed English.
Wow this is hardcore I don't have any kids but you can't assume that we all hate on mothers who have problems yes we don't understand why you hate it because some of us want kids.
Now, I'm childless by choice – and I never wanted women. What I am doing here is: Reading, what others think (and I didn't comment on anything so far).
Since I can think about it people tell me "You will change your mind". Nobody did EVER say this to a girl or woman who WANTS children – but here are my arguments for the next discussion anyone is going to put on me about how I will regret it: There are mothers who regret it and there are women who wanted children and changed her mind.
We all have no idea what we are going to miss or not… we have to make a choice. And it's possible that WE ALL ARE REGRETTING afterwards. And it's possible that we aren't. That's it. So, no, I don't have an issue. But maybe the people I have to collect arguments for because they don't believe me when I'm just telling them?
I'm in my late 20s and deciding whether or not to have children. I am not judging anybody, I am seriously considering my decision.
It is very unusual to hear people say they wouldn't be a parent if they had the choice over. I am keen to know if that is because 100% of mothers are happy, or because any unhappiness is still worth it, or if actually people just feel ashamed or guilty to say it is not worth it in public.
I love children (and have worked as a nanny in the past), but I have many other things I wish to do with my life that I may need to sacrifice so I want to be absolutely sure child-rearing is right for me.
I am just on here to listen to the other side of the story.
I think people simply don't admit that it might not worth having children, because that way they will humiliate their choices as well as children.
I am pregnant and I am not looking forward to becoming a mother, I did it because my spouse wanted desperately, I never wanted to have a child. I feel like some part of me has been taken away from me now. I love being free-spirited but now this is going to change.
Did you have your child yet? How do you feel now ?
Curios to hear. My spouse wants and I don't. I love being free spirit child like person and I am not a morning person. I love to sleep. I am afraid to get pressured into it but also very curious. I choose not to be a mom this lifetime and I am also wish to stop obsession about what if I were and how would it feel like.
Paula, I know your post is from 2013 but as a child-free woman in her 50s that knows other women my age that have had kids, that is ALL they say to me! They tell me that if they had it to do over, they would never have kids.
Mind you, its not the men saying this, its the women that have to work full-time and care for children… its women that were stay at home moms that were 95% responsible for all of the childcare. Its not that they dont love their children… far from it. Its that they wish they had made other choices. I applaud women that are researching before they make the decision to have kids.
>If u have to search online for ur life answers then u can't think much for yourself then.
This is an extremely stupid statement and you should feel like an idiot for typing it. Especially coming from someone who didn't even pay attention in elementary school.
Searching online before making HUGE decisions is never something to feel weak or stupid about…
I am childfree, and what brought me to this site was simple.
I am not particularly maternal, or broody…yet people seem to feel compelled to tell me (regardless of knowing any back-story) how WOOOOOONNNDERRRFUUULL!! it is! How we are selfish, and will die sad and regretful if we don't capitulate and have a baby! How our marriage will fail, how we are not doing out civic duty by producing more merry little workers. How we can not know love until we reproduce.
Sh*t like that stings. And it is hella patronizing.
It makes us (CF) question our decision…or at least feel like we had better research and think about and truly back up our deep unshakable feelings. What if we ARE wrong somehow? Also, we hear one thing…and in front of us SEE the total opposite…miserable, stressed and lonely moms. We see the good stuff too…but all this being preached at,and thinking it over, and all of this pressure…well OF COURSE we start searching the internet for things like "regret having kids?" or "unhappy moms?" because we feel like we are being sold a short story…something in the milk aint clean here. And we know it.
Does this mean we are judging you or gloating or hating your baby? Jesus…of course not. We (or I) DO feel a little vindicated, finding sites like this…sort of like "SEE! I KNEW it! Babies DON'T fart rainbows! People ARE unhappy doing this! JUST LIKE I KNEW I WOULD BE IF I DID IT TOO. SO STOP PRESSURING ME!!" And…just tell the truth! No one will think you are a bad parent if you confide what we all can guess anyways: This not as great as I thought it was going to be.
Maybe YOU would have made a different decision (less kids? CF? Waited longer? Did it earlier? Required more from the man you chose to have a baby with? More prenatal testing? Genetic screening before getting pregnant? etc.) if someone told YOU the truth, not some shite about how "your life will be complete and you will be suffused with joy." Maybe YOU feel grouchy that no one told YOU what the reality was gong to be.
That's why we CF are here…we just want to grasp the reality of the situation.
And if anything… it makes empathy ring through me like a bell. I empathize with the sad Moms…because I sort of dodged a bullet…this would have been me too. And I post on here from time to time because I feel like MY position is misunderstood. I am not a selfish babyhating slut…I am just a normal, average woman who simply made a different choice.Don't hate me for being childfree…and I promise not to judge you for being stressed and overwhelmed.
I come back here for reassurance sometimes, because as I push 40, people are chiming in (especially my M-I-L) with something near to hysteria…HAVE A BABY!!! NOW!!!and I pop back here to simply remind myself why I so carefully came to the decision did. Enough badgering and guilt tripping and I can feel the confidence in my decision wobble a little (almost entirely because I feel so bad disappointing people I love very much by not reproducing…not because I have any waves of broody-ness)and so I read a few posts here and go…
"Ah. Yes. That IS why this is not for me. If these articulate and successful women are driven to near panic with stress and despair…good god. What would I be like?"
Even above 40, if you ever want to have kids, there's always adoption, it's a biblical choice too. :) There's no real limit on when, it's just do you want to, or have the money to… It's always a personal decision, not anyone else's.
Well, you commented a few years ago, so I doubt you still follow this feed. By now you may have even had a child. I still want to reply, because today I Googled I hate being a mom. Let me give you a back story. I have five children. Ages 13,12,6,5,3 and I'm pregnant with an unexpected child. It goes against my belief system to have an abortion, but I've struggled caring for the the children I currently have because my husband works a lot, and therefore every need of theirs falls on me.So I've struggled being excited to be pregnant again. My older two daughters are getting to an age I'm finding extremely difficult to navigate. I always imagined I would be better with teenage girls, but turns out it sucks as bad as everyone told me it would. I had my first daughter when I was 20, and quit working after my third was born. I have a good family, but to be honest….the only truly unselfish person I have in my life is my Grandmother, and she's too old to help much. So, this is coming from my perspective.
First, let me tell you that all of the people telling you how imperfect your life is, how you aren't complete….block all of those people out. The truth is, being a parent isn't about you. It's not about you at all. Your children aren't YOURS like a possession or even a pet. If you are happy and fulfilled in your life right now, and the only reason you feel you should have children is out of fear of missing something….then don't do it. The truth is, yes, you are missing something. Being a parent reintroduces you to all the magic of childhood that you had forgotten along the way, and then there is the intense love…..that's a real thing. There are moments you can look at your child and BURST because you love them so very much. They will do things, say things and bring you so much joy. It's true, you will miss all of that. With those amazing things also comes heartache like you've never known, and frustration and guilt. It's so very hard. Is it worth it? Everyone is different. Today I had a really bad day. To be honest I've had quite a few recently. I feel like all I do is fight with my oldest daughter, and it's exhausting…..and it's only just begun. Is she worth it? Honestly? Every moment with her just flashed before my eyes as I wrote that….and the answer is yes. As hard as it is right now, it is worth it. As alone as I can feel, as heartbreaking as it can be it is worth it.
There are a couple of things you bring up that are so valid. First, yes….having a supportive partner is so very important. It's so hard to know if a man is truly supportive before you actually have a child with him though, because the demands of a child are more than anything he's ever experienced too. He'll have to be unselfish in ways he doesn't understand now. You may have a very supportive partner in the life you have now, because your demands may be far less than what they will be after you have a child. If he isn't ok with running to the store late at night for tampons or flu medicine….you probably need to talk about it.
The amount of children…..this is hard for me to admit, but there are times when the burdens of our large family make me regret having so many children. The reason I hate to admit that is because each of my children are individually amazing, and I never in a million years would want them to think I regret having them. I enjoy each of them, love them very much. It is the guilt of not having enough money or time to do things with them I know they would love, when I probably could have done those things had we not had so many. That being said….we really do laugh a lot, and they are very close to one another. I hope that as adults they love each other and have fun together and forgive me for all the ways I failed them.
In the end, people are telling you the truth in a way. You are missing out. You're missing out on being a parent. I'm missing out on traveling and quiet dinners with my husband and using my youth to enjoy living for me. I'm no more complete than you are. All I ask, is that if you chose not to have children, be kind and patient with people who have made a different choice. Try not to judge them, because there really are things you can't understand if you've never experienced them.
I love Graces heartfelt post, but being child-free does not necessarily mean living for yourself. I have done quite a lot of volunteer work, and some of the extra money that I have can be spent on helping others less fortunate than I am.
My issue isnt with people that choose to have children, my issue is with people that are pressured to have kids or are made to feel like they are selfish, self-centered or not a whole or compassionate human being because they make a conscious decision to not have kids. I also have issues with the family-centric nation that the US has become.
I feel this way too….and at 48 I still have people telling me it may not be too late and there's always egg/embryo donation if all else fails! The pressure is constant.
it's not sad to want to look at all aspects of a serious life decision like motherhood. the fact is, it's not all smiling laughing babies and feeling fulfilled, it's an experience in which you will feel every emotion imaginable. there is actually a big difference between reading what another person has to say about something and using their input to fine-tune what you know about a subject and blindly accepting what you read as ultimate truth, although you seem incapable of distingushing the different ways a person can collect and utilize information. it's just being rational and thinking critically, it's not that difficult to understand.
Alisha sounds like a genius that has amazing grammar and critical thinking skills lol….Seems to me she is bitter/jealous towards childfree women who want to know what the true realities of child-rearing are. We are smart enough to make informed decisions, not to mention we know how to spell, and form proper sentences. But these are the people that are procreating.
I am 36 and childfree by choice.
I am just here because I want to research my choice, this is not the first time I've done this, I've been researching all the time for a long long time. I'm just a natural research kinda person. I research everything, even what shoes to buy.
Just lately though my mom and I talked about it again. (Having kids) She and I have very different opinions. That's why I got to researching again about this topic and I found this site. Your comment is the first one I saw.
I am not here to poo poo moms. I wish all moms in the whole world all the best, I understand that it is tough. So please don't get mad if I am here reading comments because I don't hate moms.
I totally understand! Being a mother is one of the worst or the absolute worst decision that I MADE! No one, but me! I've held that in for 18 yrs.
I would give anything to be a mother, Hard fights, sleepless nights, or not. I have a condition that I cannot have children, I undertand frustration though as you are by yourself raising a child. My wonderful brothers share their 4 children with me almost everyday 1 newborn 1 8 months and 2 at the ages of 6 and 7 and I take them for days at a time all by myself, It gets hard but I wouldnt change it for the world. Every mom has that thought at the back of there mind that is frustration and like they just want to cry and give in.
Foster, I can relate to a degree, because I've been helping with my niece and nephew since day one. I lived with my sister and her husband and would take my niece early in the morning so my sis could get some extra sleep, or watch her during the days so they could work.
Your brothers are lucky to have you, and your nieces and nephews are lucky that you are free to devote your maternal energy towards their well-being. If you DO want to be a parent, hopefully you'll find a way.
But if not, it sounds like you'll always have children to love around you.
Study after study have shown the connection between women's education & their choice to be child free. The higher the education, the more likely that she will not choose children. Your posts are perfectly illustrative of these findings. You can neither write nor reason. And yet sadly, you have reproduced. It would be a relief to all of us interested & sincere readers & writers if you would stop posting.
I'm here to nake sure I don't make that mistake of procreating. Assurance hon😌
Im 26 with six kids under 6 yrs. Of age all one year apart…….:-(
Oh dear ladies, I read an article which spoke about motherhood and this website of confessions…and this is made me feel normal!
I am petrified even of the idea of having children. I am married. I have been married for 7 years and in the beginning we just didn't think about kids, we relocated to another country (how silly of me to agree to that..), so we had to build everything from scratch. Now everything has started to fall into places, business is getting more and more profitable and husband is starting to dream about babies.
And I know that for him to be a dad is just a nice idea of playing and drawing with kids… he doesn't think about sleepless nights, nappies, school runs, mess, nonstop action around the house and no time for ourselves. He can't even feed our dog and forgets to buy food for her, if I ever delegate this task to him…
I feel like I am being cornered and I thought that somehow it will get better that will maybe grown into wanting kids, but I do not.
I have the most wonderful mother, great sister and my childhood was fantastic, mum says that we are the best what happened to her, so I do not know why I am so terrified of having kids.
It is the idea of having to loose yourself to cater nonstop 24/7 for some little person's needs. I am scared dead scared of that.
I need me time, I like to read, to write and do my yoga. Thought of having none of that makes me feel really worried. And I KNOW I will have very little of me time, I see my friends' lives and how they have changed since they have had kids. I do not want to change that way!
And yet, there is stigma attached to that… I almost felt like I was faulty for not wanting children and now I see that I am not alone. That is a HUGE relief.
And yet, the question is what I will do once the time comes to make the final decision…
Ms Laura there is nothing faulty with you honey, at least you are willing to admit you aren't ready for kids.
One thing I tell people and I tell this often
Be sure you really want kids, because after you have them, you still have to love them even as youre cleaning the crap from their mouths.
Nothing wrong with you, some women are just not meant to be mothers. You can't let society judge you and force you into having babies! Sure, the majority of women here are dealing with infants and toddlers, but a child is forever. You will always worry about them, no matter their age.
And if your husband is ready for a kid, then good luck to him. It is proven than even when a mother has a full time job outside of the home, the second shift starts as soon as she walks through the door and she's responsible for at LEAST 80 % of the household responsibilities ( including children), so just ask yourself if you're ready for that. Good luck!
Wow! We are in similar ways. My husband and I have been married 7 years. Just yesterday the last of my child-free friends told me she was 6 weeks pregnant.
I came to this site to see if I was crazy or alone in my doubts. I love to read, write, bake, do yoga, and dance. We just uprooted ourselves and moved to CA and I am having a hard time adjusting. I can't imagine adjusting to being pregnant as well.
When I am around my nephews and nieces I cannot stand being around them for more than 10-20 mins. If they are crying reduce the time to 30 secs.
I had to watch my nephew for a day. IT WAS SO BORING! Cutting crust off bread, getting dirty in the quiet sandbox of a park, watching cartoons with characters that had really annoying personalities, the sticky hands, stinky diapers, trying to act as if his deeds were cute and entertaining, meeting the needs of I want this and that…I thought I would die!
On a plane when a child starts screaming I feel so bad for the mother getting all those disapproving looks from strangers. In the store, the mid-aisle tantrum is birth control enough for me. Or so I think until a mom will sing sweet songs about motherhood, tell me I'm missing out, or I'll regret it when I'm too old. I'm 32, so I guess I'm getting up there according to the culturally-approved stupid biological clock theory.
It makes me sad to see women give up their previous lives to pump milk, change filthy diapers, and cater to every whim of a child in a society that doesn't value their hard work! It also saddens me to see how little help some women get from their spouse/partner. The whole motherhood lifestyle scares me, makes me rather depressed, and has me questioning "Why on Earth should I give up my current lifestyle?"
It is 11:14 a.m. I am enjoying coffee in the morning on my day off while reading commentary made by very brave and honest women. Later I'll go to Trader Joe's and surf every aisle at my own damn pace, then I will go to the gym and take care of my body, and dip in the spa before returning home. I'll make shrimp alfredo and bake some lemon bars that my husband and I can enjoy in the evening and the rest of the night is OURS to indulge in alone.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you. Your post was one I could really relate to. It is healing in a time in my life when everyone around me (except my supportive husband) is asking me what the hell I am waiting for.
Thank you!!! To all the brave women who is spilling the truth all over our neat and tidy societal expectations of motherhood. Love you for your candid honesty.
If you came here to judge these women for their expressions, clearly you are on the wrong site. I am sure there are plenty of ooey, goey, pink, and puffy sites you can coo on. So please take your hate elsewhere.
Ask yourself do you really want to shuttle kid(s) to sports, band practice, art lessons, scout meetings etc. and barely get the errands and house chorses done let alone grab a break to relax?
Hi Laura, After reading your post I definitely would think twice about having kids. Do not worry about society and what others think, it is your life.(BTW there are more and more child-free people stepping forward all the time. You will not be an outcast.) I never wanted children, and honestly do not like most of them. Yes, you may lose friends as they get "knocked up" and go baby-madness. It really sucks – but you will find other friends and interests. I am now in my sixties and have no regrets. I wish you good luck.
I have never in my life wanted children, but god has a very funny sense of humor. I wound up getting pregnant with twins at 20 and being pregnant on my 21st birthday. I had a great pregnancy that was actually the happiest i have ever been in my life. I wound up delivering at 34wks and just feeling like complete and total hell ever since they have been born. Both of my girls have colic. They wake up screaming, if i put them down they scream, if i pick them up they scream, after
I feed them they scream, while im changing diapers they scream. 70% of their life right now is solely based on them screaming and crying, while the other 30% is either them sleeping or for once being happy. My skin crawls when i hear one of them waking up because i know thats another 3 hours of fighting with a screaming miserable baby. Now am i wrong for not finding enjoyment in that? Am i wrong for not being a cup of sunshine? Is it wrong that i dont want to spend every waking moment of MY life wiping 2 peoples asses for another 2 years? That i hate feeling like a servant to 2 whiney miserable beings? Im a stay at home young first time mom, and im tired. I hate that i never get invited anywhere anymore because finding a babysitter is nearly impossible for me. Ive already had two babysitters ask me to pick them up early because the colic is too much. I hate motherhood. Its the most annoying routined thing I've ever experienced in my life. I live in a second floor apartment in the city and have no car. Does anyone know how hard it is to get 2 screaming 5 month olds dressed, and out of the house by yourself? Along with carrying the double stroller outside with the diaper bag and blankets? I cant even take the train anywhere because a lot of stations aren't wheelchair accessible. My stroller is too big for the bus and half of the time if a store doesn't have automatic doors i don't bother. Im not being selfish, i sacrifice everything for these kids. But its only human nature to want to sleep a full 8hrs and go to the store as you please. This has been a horrible life lesson. Sex is not worth losing the rest of your life. Oh and for all of you bitches who think you have all of the answers, come to my house for a month. Then we shall see who has the answers.
I've read every comment on this page. And I cried the whole time. I'm so thankful I'm not alone.
I wanted to get pregnant, we tried for six months and I cried every month when I wasn't. I loved my pregnancy and was so excited. Then he was born. I spent the entire first night at the hospital crying, and seven months later I still cry nearly every day. No one told me that the second he was born, I would become the least important person in the world. That I wouldn't have an identity anymore. All I do is feed, change, play, rock. He won't even let me leave the room without crying. My husband works non stop and hes never home and when he is all of our time is taken up by the baby. I miss him so much, I can't remember the last time we got to have some alone time. Imiss my old life, the things I used to do. Now I can barely find time to eat or shower. I look horrible all the time, my hair is a mess ad my clothes are dirty and I just can't do this. I wish I had known what it would be like. I have severe stomach pain from stress and not eating or sleeping enough. I want to kill myself or run away. I love my son but I hate my life every day. I can't do it anymore
I was a young mother. I had one at 17 and 15 months later I had the second. My husband was abusive. I struggled with being a mother at such a young age. I was 19, 2 kids, married. College graduate by 21. Miracle! I am not wired to be a mother. I had a third child at 25. I had much more patience by then and she was a wonderful child. I still hated the anchor I had around my neck. She is now 11. The two oldest ones are 19 & 18. I was so done with kids and glad I was finally at the point where I could just tell them, "get in the car"… Super!!!
Then I started dating a guy after 6 yrs of being single. He had a 7 month old. Supposedly the mother was more active in the kid's life. Not so much. She has had her 72 nights since Dec 7, 2011. I didn't sign up for being the full time mother of another kid. Diapers, messy feedings, baths, and teaching her appropriate behavior. It is a constant battle to teach her because her father over rides my authority. I absolutely hate the situation. I hate being tied to the house for a kid I didn't consciously make the decision to sacrifice my life for. I hate sooo many things. I have goals that I had finally gotten to the point where I had things in place to accomplish. I made the sacrifices throughout the last 20 yrs of my life based on my decisions. Now I am paying for someone else's decision to procreate while that bitch has no responsibilities and just sits around and pops pills and gets high.
I don't like anything about this kid. I have my own issues and I am forced to be the mother figure to her because I date her father who forced his way into my life. We went from dating to him moving himself in. Then his kid and it was always up my ass. I feel like he was suffocating me. My life is not my own. It has been taken over. I am miserable.
Every noise that the kid makes makes me want to vomit. Nothing that she does is cute to me. I hate everything about her. I hate it being forced down my throat. I don't know how to tell him that I am suicidal. I seriously want to check myself into a psych ward just to get away. This whole situation is doing an injustice to my own kid, who has told me that she doesn't like her either.
I don't hate being a mother, I hate what being a mother does to me…Makes me tired, frustrated, (cry sometimes), however if you can't stand your own child so much you think of actually running away, then that doesn't make you evil, that makes you depressed…Go to the doctors and talk to a professional, because I felt like that, and am now on Prozac
Its not a weakness to take anti-depressants, and its not a weakness to struggle with being a Mum!(or indeed a Dad)
Please vocalise your feelings your feelings, and get the help…
So many people like the idea of marriage and children.
They actually hate being parents and married.
Get help and start the road to hapiness.
Hello all,
I thought I would post in case my experience might help someone.
As a teenager and in my early 20's, I believed I never wanted children of my own. Children are loud, always in motion, in constant need of care and attention, a financial drain, and a BIG responsibility. Unfortunately, my husband and I made some rather dumb decisions concerning our birth control method and four months after we were married, we got pregnant. The pull out method does not work.
Prior to being pregnant, I worked as an exercise rider at the local racetrack. I was small, very skinny, and strong. I had to quit my job when I found out I was pregnant. Let's face it, riding racehorses while pregnant was not an option. Since I only had experience working with horses, finding a job was nearly impossible. The first trimester, I was so sick I couldn't move. Every time I got up to go to a different room, I would get sick and throw up. I became a skeleton. My husband had to work a bunch of overtime to make up for the lost income, so I was home alone all day every day. When my husband did come home, all he did was eat and sleep and complain about me complaining. He hated his job, too, so he complained about that as well. Then one day he was five minutes late to overtime work he had signed up for and his company fired him. We lost our health insurance and I had to go on medicare/medicaid. We had already been on food stamps.
So my husband worked two full-time jobs stocking shelves at local grocery stores. I went out looking for a job as soon as I could move without hugging a toilet. It isn't easy going to an interview obviously pregnant and hoping to be taken seriously. Nobody wants to hire pregnant people. I went to so many interviews, but never got a call back until at the beginning of my third trimester I finally got a job working part-time as a cashier for minimum wage. It was only 16 hours or so per week, but between my job and my husband's two jobs, we were finally making headway on the bills. And then my baby was born. Two weeks after she was born, we got evicted from our apartment. We had to move in with my parents and thank God they were able to take us in. But three years living with my parents telling me how to raise my child was not easy.
On top of everything, my daughter had colic. I don't know if you all know what that's like. My daughter screamed. I don't mean that cute little cry like a hunger cry. Or that "I'm scared, come hold me" cry. Or the "I'm tired" or "I'm hot" or "I'm cold" cries. I mean the "bloody murder, somebody's killing a baby" cry. I held her. I rocked her. I fed her. I changed her. I walked with her in my arms. I drove around with her in the car. I gave her gripe water. I gave her anti-colic tablets. I gave her a mixture of baking soda and water via medicine dropper. I changed my diet and I changed her formula (I breastfed and supplemented with formula). I did everything I could possibly think of to stop the crying. Nothing worked. She slept for 30 minutes at a time, then woke up screaming. I got no sleep. I mean that. I got NO sleep. I would nod off on the couch with her screaming in my arms. This went on for five months.
Five months is a long time.
My mom didn't want anything to do with her. My dad tried to help sometimes by taking her and walking with her. He tried to send me to bed, but there's this stupid mother instinct and I could not bear to be away from my baby and I couldn't sleep when someone else was taking care of her. My husband didn't do a thing. He worked, came home, ate, and slept. He would go into the other room if our daughter started wailing.
After five months of absolute hell and sleep deprivation, the screaming suddenly stopped. At this point, I had eaten my way to gaining 40 pounds because I tend to eat when I haven't gotten much sleep. The sleep deprivation was so bad that by the end of the colic, I was hallucinating that I was hearing baby cries when our daughter was fast asleep. It took a full year to recover from it.
Things started getting better when I found a job and could finally get away from our little terror. Nobody tells you that babies rule your life, not the other way around. Baby cries and you jump to make it stop crying. You are constantly interrupted with "I'm hungry," "I'm tired," "I have a dirty diaper," "I woke myself up and I don't know how to get back to sleep." When they get older and learn how to talk, it gets worse. Then it's "When's dinner ready?," "I'm bored," "Can I watch something else? Your show is boring," "Can I have this?," "I don't want to clean my room." No wonder many parents resort to nagging their kids just to get them to pick up their socks off the living room floor.
What I hate most is my kid is constantly wanting me to buy her something every time we go somewhere. We don't have a lot of money and when she asks for things it triggers several emotions. One, I feel angry that she is asking for something that is not an immediate need. Two, I feel angry that I don't make more money to be able to give her everything she wants. Three, I feel guilty for having to tell her no most of the time. Four, I feel guilty when I do tell her yes because I feel like I'm spoiling her.
And then the plot continues. . .
Last year, five years after our daughter was born, I began having regrets about not having another child. I was at work and saw so many pregnant women and I began to envy them. They looked so happy with their swollen bellies, their puffy eyes, waddling gait, and pregnancy acne. I brought up the idea to my husband. Now, I should have known better because my husband DID NOT help me care for our daughter until I started working again and he was forced to care for her. So he had no clue about colic or growth spurts or baby puke or diaper blow-outs. So with a bit of rose-colored glasses, we decided to get pregnant again so that our only child would not grow up so only.
I thought to myself, it couldn't be as bad as the first time. Surely, God wouldn't do that to me again.
Well. . .
We got pregnant. With. Twins.
Two infants. Two babies.
Twice the cost.
Two carseats. One double stroller. A truck load of diapers, wipes, and formula. And lots of second-hand clothes.
When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I felt agony and the elation. My first thought was I could finish my family with one pregnancy and be done with it. Being pregnant is hard on my body and the fact that this was the last time I would go through it was a relief. The agony of it was the twinness of it.
With the twins came so much more morning sickness. I ate nothing for days. I couldn't keep anything down, not even bread and water. I lost so much weight and fluids, they were seriously thinking of putting me on iv fluids. I fought hard against it because I hate needles. My veins are very small and it is difficult for nurses to stick me. I ended up losing 10 to 15 pounds by the end of the first trimester. I looked horrible. By the end of the second trimester, my coworkers gave me a wide berth and made comments like, "wow, you're still here?" because I was as big as a lady pregnant with only one baby at the end of her pregnancy. No, I had three more months to go.
At 28 weeks, I showed signs of premature labor, so I was hospitalized for a week. I went home on strict bedrest.
Anyone been on bedrest? It isn't what it sounds like. Being forced to lie in the same position for all hours day after day, week after week, in the same room, seeing the same walls. I watched the dirt and mess creep across the floor, getting closer and closer and closer, daring me to get up and clean. I hate mess. It drove me crazy to not be able to clean. My meals had to be brought to me. I was not allowed to cook. I was not allowed to drive. I was not allowed to shop. I was not allowed to nap either because the babies were constantly kicking up into my ribs. I had horrible heartburn, but I had to lie down. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't read either because I couldn't concentrate on anything. This went on for seven weeks.
I thought I would find relief when the babies were born. In a way, it was a relief. My organs could finally go back to their normal places. I could finally get off all the medications I had to take to keep the babies inside me. I could finally breathe easy because it was a fast delivery and my twins were safe and healthy.
The phrase "sleeping like a baby" is ridiculous. Babies do not "sleep like a baby." Babies wake up eight to twelve times a day to be changed and fed. There are studies that say babies sleep 16 hours per day when they are infants. What isn't said is that babies sleep in one to two hour increments, longer if you are lucky. Multiply that times two babies.
When you have twins, it is easy to get into a cycle where all you do is take care of babies. When one is done feeding, the other wakes up to be fed. When that one is done feeding, the first is ready to eat again.
No one knows just how important sleep is until you can't sleep.
Right now, my twins are 11 weeks old and my first born daughter is 6 years old. My twins have a stretch where they sleep for 6 hours in a row. Blessed relief! Thank God they do not have colic. I don't think I could go through that again. As bad as it is taking care of twins, they are easy compared to my first.
To someone who is not sure about having children, I would say take the time to make sure about your decision either way. Granted, they are only babies for a short time, but children no matter what their age bring constant interruption to your daily activities. Brushing your teeth, taking a shower, going to the bathroom, getting a snack, all become fragmented because a child will stop you before or after such activities to demand something of you. This constant interruption is very difficult to deal with, especially if you are in the middle of a task that takes a long time. Children are forever. They are always your children no matter their age. Yes, they will grow up and have their own lives, but that doesn't mean they will disappear and suddenly you won't worry about what they are doing or whether they are okay. There isn't a magical separation where you stop feeling responsible for them. Children are expensive, but the more you have the less "start up" cost you have so long as you save your clothing, crib, carseats, bottles, etc. Another thing to consider is where you live. Is your place large enough for a child? Is the school in your district one you would want your child to attend? Will you work or stay home? Who will care for your child if you do work?
Being pregnant and then breastfeeding is also a imposition on your lifestyle choices. You shouldn't smoke, do illegal drugs, or drink alcohol while pregnant. There are also many legal drugs you can't take while pregnant or breastfeeding. But there are other restrictions, too. I lived a very active lifestyle before I got pregnant and I had to give up my career in the horse racing industry. I gained too much weight after my pregnancy to continue in that line of work. I couldn't work with the horses anymore due to concerns for the safety of the baby.
Then there was my friends. I had many friends before my first baby. Because I was the first person in my group to get married and to have a kid, I got cut out of almost all social activities. I didn't get invited for a girls' night out because I couldn't drink and I was so unbelievably tired all the time. I didn't get asked to lunch because I would have to drag my baby along. No one would come over to visit because they didn't want to be around the baby. It was a driving wedge between my friends who wanted to enjoy being young and single and me saddled down with a baby. I felt so alone and deserted.
I hope what I have written may help someone. If you are struggling with infants, God be with you. When I feel I can't handle it anymore, my dad always tells me, "This too shall pass." Babies are not babies forever. Even my colicky little terror is now the sweetest, most loving, most kind six year old who is always willing to do what she can to help me. Hang in there.
Take lots of pictures.
no matter how sweetly you put it calling you child terror shows what little respect you have for children. What if she were to start calling you fat monster? Wouldn't you raise hell?
And very irritating when you women write "we got pregnant". Shows a wacked out identity.
Sorry I haven't appreciated anything you have written.
You are a horrible judgemental person and need to never return to this website.
Hah don't listen to those idiots saying you are "this" or "that". You're honest. Literally I felt like if my life included children, I would have written the same word for word. This is the best story ever. I'm sorry/not sorry you have to deal with this, as they are your choices… but reading your story only solidifies my decision to remain child-free. Good luck. I really hope it gets better for you! Honestly!
i appreciated everything you wrote. We are currently thinking about getting pregnant again; your story helps :P
"my dad always tells me, "This too shall pass."
Easy for him to say! He's not the woman who has her body ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth of multiple children. He's not the woman who doesn't get help from her husband with multiple children and a ton of housework when he returns from work.
I agree Sherry! Infancy will pass, but thats just the beginning!!
I really never thought motherhood would be like this. I was always hesitant about having children because I know I can be on the selfish side. I dont think I would have regrets if I had a normal baby! I ended up having a child that had severe colic, and acid reflux, and is VERY high maintenance!
I decided to be a stay at home mom when the nanny I had lined up fell through and daycare wasnt something my husband and I wanted for our child. It has been 6 months and I'm beginning to regret becoming a mom. She doesnt sleep, she eats every 1.5-2 hours (breastfed). She's not gaining weight like she should. Some days I just feel like a total failure at life and being a mother!
My sister had a baby a couple months ago and he sleeps, and is happy overall. He has caught up to my daughter in weight also!! I know i shouldnt compare but its hard not to! Why did she luck out with a mellow happy baby?!
My mother in law has become a MONSTER IN LAW! Her true colors are shining through and she is overbearing, manipulative, boundary stomping bitch! She absolutely lived only for her two boys and has empty nest syndrome and is trying to transfer her CRAZY to my daughter! She acts like my daughter is HER daughter, and keeps buying baby furniture for her house piece by piece, like my daughter is going to live with her!!! Ugh I really hate her and hate that I have to see her more now that I've had a baby. I didnt like her before and definitely dont like her now!!!
I think if I could just take a vacation from being a mom every couple weeks I would feel a lot better about myself and my daughter!! I know its not my daughters fault and I feel so guilty sometimes for feeling this way. Its just nice to know I'm not alone!!
God help me. I am 25 my husband is a little younger. When we met I was working in a tattoo shop strong independent 19 yr old. I had a miscarriage before we met and at that point knew I didn't want kids. I had nieces and nephews who I loved but was certain I didn't want any of my own. Well I got pregnant then rushed into marriage with a small town Iowa boy who was raised by three sisters who are what I like to call robo moms. My pregnancy was terrible I had to move away from my nice apartment in the city to be with my husband because he refused to meet me halfway, over the last four years I have supported us financially multiple times, had ppd and had another child. My husband ran out to be with a few other women because I was so depressed I "wasn't me anymore" my son is severely adhd and my daughter is just a brat. My husband refuses to let me go anywhere we moved in order to start over and for the first time I am not working at all :( my kids ruin my house, I haven't dressed nice in over a year literally. My husband hates being home because I have ocd and clean constantly. I feel like I am being held under water every minute of everyday. I haven't slept through the night in over. three years because neither one of my kids sleeps. through the night. I try to do fun things with them but. they scream and fight. Neither will potty train no. matter what I do. I am to the point I just want to run. away. My husband keeps asking what I do every day. because the house never seems clean, and I'm always. crying. Why didn't I listen to myself? I love my kids but it takes everything in me not to jump out the window. Please ladies keep being honest because if I'd seen this before maybe things would be different. I'm incapable of being a leave it to beaver mom and that's what my kids deserve.
thank you everyone for all your stories. i am 24 and have never wanted or thought about having kids. i use all the protection i need so i dont have a mistake or accident. my ex tried hiding my birth control pills so i would get pregnant because he's a little older and wanted a baby, i broke up with him and kicked him out. also i didnt have good role models in my life, my mom was on birth control when she got pregnant with me and so she obviously didnt want me, she was never around when i was growing up and my dad left when i was 5. im sorry for everyone who is going through so much crap for these brats. giving up your life sucks. and honestly i am too selfish and love doing what i want when i want without having to drag around a baby. i get angry when i see parents dragging their kids (especially if they have more than 1)around in public with them and the kids are acting bad or yelling and crying.
so thank you for all the words of encouragement and knowing how it really is to be a parent.
OMG dear ladies, after reading all the above I realize how happy I am to have no kids. never wanted them thou. Sending patience and strength your way.
I just want to say "thank you" to all of the women on this site that have been brutally honest about what motherhood is like. It was a shock to take a look at reality and not what the media is always portraying motherhood to be. I have been "on the fence", so to speak, for some time about whether or not to have a child. Your honesty has helped me decide to NOT have children.
my daughter is 2 and I can't control her!!!!sometimes I really wish I could disapear.
Reply to anonymous who said: you women are so lucky to even have the chance to get pregnant! i am a 19 year women with NO chance at ever being a bio mommy! god gave us this gift and your complaining is ludicrous! children are gift yes they are frustrating at times but they will someday be just like you and I god i hope they're more like me than you. you people obviously cant appreciate the fact that being a mommy is what women where put here to do!.
WE NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOOD OR BAD and at 19 you have no way of knowing if this is good or bad for you. I am confident, you will find it is a blessing in disguise.
You have your entire life ahead of you. Make the most of it and take care of you, love yourself. Be your own best friend. Children can never fill that empty void you must be feeling right now. But, you will learn, I hope, to love and trust yourself…and that void will be filled from within.
people are different. Some are happier at giving birth. Please appreciate that fact… and that your comments have not helped much.
And neither have yours. I've been browsing through this page for a while now and it's fairly obvious that you're against the idea of a childfree lifestyle and absolutely nothing will make you feel complete as a woman than a child.
We do not all feel that way. Appreciate that too.
I wanted children. I just did not know it could be so painful. If I had known the pain involved, I would have never never had them.
My son was dx with autism and is now 17. I have fought to get him what he needs. But I am constantly reminded of the things he will never be…those things that were my dreams of parenthood. Don't get me wrong, I love him but I would never do it again. The pain is too great.
Then we worked very hard to make sure that his autism did not negatively effect his 15 yo sister. Only to have her recently tell us that when she graduates HS she will leave and never look back b/c she hates her brother and anyone else with a disability as severe as his.
We have always tried to carve out time just for her w/o him so that she does not feel it is all about him (which, unfortunately, it has to be quite a bit about him b/c he needs are so significant.)
She is a bright beautiful girl who I call my "library card kid." Meaning, if I gave her a library card and plopped her in a library, she would be able to find the answer to anything she needed in life. She will be successful, I have no doubt.
He, on the other hand, will not…not without his parents being strong advocates for him.
Being a parent is more pain then joy and I would not do it again. I have friends who tell me they would do it over and over and their children are their greatest joy.
My husband and I tease that if we get a divorce, neither of us would fight for custody. Who wouldn't want the freedom that comes from not having to worry about your children and their welfare.
This is not how it was supposed to be. It is very painful to me to know that I have worked very hard to show love to both of my children only to have one of them slap me in the face with it…to tell me she never wants to be a part of our lives b/c of "autism."
Autism has crippled our lives. Being a parent sucks.
After reading these posts, and replying to many of them I feel better. It's great to know that I am not alone in my feelings about being a mother. Everything is not for everybody. Parenting is not for me!
OMG… I have been feeling so alone, depressed, sad and alienated! This is such an unspoken subject and pretty much taboo. After all who is going to admit to their friends that they don't like being a parent. Imagine the thoughts going through peoples heads! It's admired to go on about how good it is, not how bad it is. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and extremely guilty for feeling this way but it's one of the only things in life that you can't get rid of if you don't like it and you really have no idea until you are in that situation. I love my daughter as well but wouldn't have had kids if I had of known what is was really going to be like this… :(
Being a mom totally sucks. I have one whom I love to bits but have made it heard to friends & family I would never have another.
Oh you hear 'you'll change your mind' or 'you'll regret it' and even that it's 'cruel' to with hold having kids with a partner.
Oh I just want to scream at them 'SHUT THE F UP!'
Mingling with other mommies has been hell boring, the lack of freedom, constant interruptions – the list goes on & on and I find it hard to justify having kids in this day and age when the planet is seriously having a hard time coping with the population.
@anonymous, your statement irks me. Women are not baby factories. I have never wanted children and I'm glad I never had them. I was never the maternal type. Some people do not want to be tied down by having children. Your statement is really foolish.
I knew I couln't possibly be alone with feeling like this! Although I still feel terrible that there are this many of us miserable in this role, at least I can say I'm not the only one. I never really thought I wanted kids but then when I turned 33 I started to change. I wanted to know what my child would look like if I had one and I didn't want to get old and not have the presence of children in my life. I didn't really plan on getting pregnant but my fiance and I weren't preventing it either. I got pregnant at 34 and from the moment I found out (which was early on, about 7 weeks) I began regretting it. The pregnancy was horrible, everything about it. I was so tired, the heartburn was excruiating & constant daily. I had gestational diabetes so the poking & prodding every day along with weekly visits to the doctor and dietician it was an endless 9 months of misery. I gained 70 lbs, trying to find attire professional enough for my job was horrid, I felt ugly my inner resentment towards this new life grew with my belly. I ended up being in labor for 2 full days before they finally did a C Section. The pain from that and then dealing with this screaming baby was all too consuming for me.
My fiance was in love with this child from the moment he saw him. He got his son and for him this has been his happiness in life. From the get go he has had a huge part in raising our son & I am very grateful beacuse otherwise I fear I'd simply have not made it. But in another regard, his role & opinions can also be overbearing. Our son has been high maintence literally from them pulling him out of me. He did not stop screaming for the first 3 months. I wanted to feed him formula but 'dad' insisted I try and pump & breastfeed. I'd scream saying you feel like sh*t, suffer the pain of incision, be going on NO sleep, never have a break from it (easy for them whn they go right back to work 8 hours a day of freedom)and try pumping for this kid. Had he just listened to me & we'd given him formula I KNOW the beginning would've been easier, the crying subsided some from the moment I caved & sayed screw you to 'dad' & stuck a bottle in the kids mouth. My son is beautiful & I do want the best for him. But I cannot let go of the resentment still. My lack of freedom, my house that I worked so hard on destroyed by this messy obnoxious being. To have to put away decor & swap out furnishings deemed unsafe & the stupid child safety sh*t everywhere! Trying to get ready in the morning for my job & stay clean, ironed, & primped while trying to get this whiny, tantrum throwing kid ready & fed, by the time I'm flying down the interstate (always late) my blood pressure is so high that my entire rest of the day I run on agitation & anxiety. I resent that 'dad' gets to be the fun one & play & doesn't concern himself with the messes or the not fun duties like clipping nails, or cleaning ears or getting boogers out etc. I'm SICK of him and everybody else asking on a daily basis when we'll have another one! The lecture that follows when I say we won't on how "you can't just have one" or "it would be so much easier for you if he had a playmate" and the one I really love "your 2nd one will definitely be more easygoing"-how the hell do you know what my next unborn child's personality is going to be?! What if I go through the misery of pregnancy only again to get an over active, screaming, constant fit throwing kid! The thought of it is nauseating. However, I then let the guilt that I'm the bad guy for not having another badger my thoughts almost daily. My fiance (yea we havn't gotten around to finishing the commitment to marriage yet) about breaks down at the thought of not having more & I know that this new vision of me, as this non Betty Crocker type (he must have hoped I'd morph into once holding my new baby) is a big stand off for wanting to possibly fully commit now. The fear that my daily grumpy mood will eventually just push him to go out and find some 20 something that wants to push out a couple for him & stay at home w/the kids waiting for him to return so they can have "family night" only makes my mental state that much more unbearable. I've rambled on now but boy does it feel good to spew out these thoughts. I must go change a crappy diaper now, my 3rd on this Saturday while dad is working, again. Oh how I remember the days of having weekends 'off' and spending my days actually getting stuff done or even not getting stuff done just laying around reading or maybe some shopping….boy were those the days…
My heart goes out to you Not My Reality, thank you for being so brave and honest, I wish there were more people like you. Although your fiance seems like he is supportive and plays a major role in his son's life, don't let him dictate choices that affect you more than him (such as breastfeeding). Also, don't listen to those rude nosey parkers who insist you MUST have another child, they're idiots. My bf is an only child and the most well-adjusted, happy and sociable person I have ever met. I, on the other hand, grew up with a sister I dispised and wished I was an only child. The myth that having another child will allow your son to have a mate is nonsense. Listen to yourself first and foremost. Take care x
I love my kids..I really, really do. But I hate being a mom. I am sick of saying "no" "stop" "don't do that" "stop hitting each other" "get out of my room" "get out of my stuff" "get dressed" "get in the car" "get out of my way" "stop touching me" "go to bed". I am sick of hearing "mom" "mom" "can I.." "pay attention" "look". I try and retreat to my bedroom but they learned to pick the lock on door. I try to go to friends' houses and end up getting called a thousand times over nothing. I wish for just once I could go to the f-n store by myself. I wish they would behave in the damn store. My life revolves around them…I look forward to them turning 18 so I can finally be free and have me time. I really hate other people's kids. I hate seeing pictures of them, hearing about them, having them dragged to my house where they along with mine destroy my house. I can not stand pregnant women who have no idea what they are getting into. Speaking of pregnant women I was a horrible pregnant woman. I hated everyday of pregnancy. You can't drink, you can't even go a full night without peeing, you get bigger and bigger with no end in sight. Pregnancy ruined my boobs, my thighs, and my stomach. I hate celebrities on tv that lose all the baby weight in a matter of weeks, its a fake. Maybe if we all had trainers and plastic surgeons this would really happen to us all. Someone really should have slapped me when I started to think about having children. Motherhood has turned me into a cynical old hag at 25.
I feel the same exact way with hating other peoples kids. I dont think they are cute, adorable, amazing. I dont care if they said their first word, rolled over sucked their thumb. Nothing. I hate what ive become and whats become of my psysical body. I hate that theres no end in sight.
I have struggled with Motherhood since the day I found out I was pregnant. I was devistated!! Here I was Happily married for 8 years, never ever wanting to have kids, then BAM!! Positive pregnancy test, What?? I took 5 that day. I was at work and they were readily available to me. DAMNIT!!
Having a child has Changed EVERYTHING, from the way I lived my life to the way I loved my husband. It is soooo shitty! I Hate being a mom, I was a really good wife, now I hate being that too. To be responsible for someone else all the time, drives me CRAZY. Motherhood is neither rewarding or fun. I am not insane for thinking this way, I want my life back, my awesome carefree life with no commitments or worries. Why does being a mom come with so many worries? What the hell!! I too feel like this is a jail sentence, I am in lock down 24/7 for the rest of my life.
I have no children, because I know that I can't handle the responsibility of having children. This website confirms it. I do have this to say to the mothers on this forum: Please, please give yourselves some credit. You're doing the hardest, longest, most thankless job that anybody could ever do. If there were any other job where you were spit on, fussed at, had to deal with both literal and figurative crap, and expected to do so with a smile on your face and perfect tolerance, it would be unrealistic.
Hi everyone
I read about this forum on another website and I decided to check it out. I am CF, so I cannot understand your struggles, but I am so glad that you all have found a place to vent your frustrations. Being a parent is hard and this conspiracy of silence and the false idea that having a child should be all you need in this world to be happy is doing a great disservice to people. I see the crushing guilt some of you feel for having these feelings and I know it is easier said than done, but try not to feel so guilty…it is clear many of you on here truly love your children, but this job is damn hard. It is okay to feel the way you do, it is natural I think. Viewing it in that manner may eliminate some of the tension you feel. While I think having children can bring many joys and unique experiences you cannot have otherwise, I gave deep thought to all aspects of it, not just the amazing Kodak moments and I just knew in my gut that it was not the right choice for me. While I hate to see anyone in pain or experiencing unhappiness in his or her life, seeing what you all have wrote here has helped me confirm that I am making the right decision by honoring my intuition and I thank you for your honesty. I only hope that all of you struggling with your choice to have children can learn to make peace with it and rejuvenate the other layers of your identity that have nothing to do with being a mother or a father, parts of you that are equally valid. Parts of you that you have every right to express and nurture.
I too hate with all my heart and soul being a mother. I can not tell you how many times, I have thought about hanging myself in the bathroom with my husbands belt. I hate him and I hate them (the kids that is). I am sorry, but that is just how I feel. If I win the lottery, I swear I'm going to secretly cash in and leave him with all of them. This was the worst decision I ever made in my whole life, but I was young with an older man with nowhere to go and no job and wanted to make him happy so I wouldn't end up on the street. In our first year I was secretly on birth control. He found them and flipped, had a freaking fit. I acted like I was pouring them out, hid them and he found them again. I should have took my chances and hauled ass, but NOOO, scary me said wth, motherhood shouldn't be that bad. Gave him one prayed I wouldn't have another before I finished that prayer I was pregnant with a second. I have hated myself and my life every since. Still a loser with no job and stuck right under his thumb as he planned. Now strapped down with 4 kids actually 5 cause he sucks worse than the kids, I have been so depressed that I am sure it is killing me. I am spiritually already dead. I don't know what it is like to be happy anymore, don't feel it anymore. I hate my life. I resent me, him, them, this. God why me!? Why couldn't I have been barren and just adopted a couple of dogs instead? WHY!?
I have 2 children. My oldest I had at 22 and he was unplanned and unwanted. I felt I had to have him because his father is a really wonderful man and I did not want an abortion to rupture our relationship. We got married and later decided, stupidly to have another because I did not want my eldest to be a lonely only child like my husband and I were. I find that I have had to change my whole life in a direction which I hate. I hate being mother, I hate staying home to watch them, I hate having to sacrifice my happiness for their, and I just want to run away. The only issue is that I truly love my husband and I don't want to leave him. I feel so stupid for making the same mistake twice. I love my children but I wish I never had them. I am becoming so apathetic to life because I feel like it's not what I want. I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped.
both of you should give your children up,they would be better off with out you and you with out them,run away and leave them while they are safe!!!
People assume that mothering is something that everyone woman wants to do. Maybe if we didn't get so far away from the village. It would be so much better if we all knew that there would be a real support system. Not one in spirit but people physically there. My mother was distanced from me when I was little. But when I became a teenager she started to act more like a parent. Maybe you will be happier when your offsprings are more independent. Now that I'm and adult she talks to more than anyone because she likes me now.
It's good to know others find it very hard to be a mum, especially when you weren't planning on it happening! But even with Birth control accidents can happen, so no one is 100% safe!
For me it's the demands on my brain and body – it takes SO MUCH energy & SO MUCH time to care for someone else. I can only just take care of myself, so adding another person is a burden.
You can feel hard on yourself, not wanting to neglect their care, but when you're trying to provide all their needs, you can slowly stop making sure you havet your own time out, & you wear down.
My child is over 5 and I still have days where I wish someone would take them away and I know I wouldn't miss them for days. It would be a relief just to have quiet and do whatever. This thinking probably comes out of tiredness, boredom, exhaustion & feeling like it's never-ending.
Parenting alone is very demanding and tough too, and there aren't always good supports out there to help us. But at times I search out or hire help to get a break.
Today I had to pick up my child from school early, and was so irritated that my time alone would be interrupted. I think my intense reaction is nothing to do with the child, kids get sick right! Its'me that's the problem.
My attitude is low, because I have let go of every other activity but parenting. My schedule allows some time off, but I need a bit more. And it's up to me to make that happen, not expect everyone else to step in, which I was waiting for in the past.
My family never realise how bad it is, because we tend to pretend things are ok, no matter how bad, but that has to change. I'm starting to tell them I'm tired and need company or a break. Otherwise it just gets worse and I find I am shouting more, demanding, and physically pushing my child away. I don't like it, that is a sign that I'm losing it.
Today I need to get some sleep, but also have asked family to help take my child overnight, which will help.
I'm considering joining a group or class to be back with adults and keep speaking up, not pretending I can do it all. I can't.
"NO WAY" – I had trouble when I left my ex with Court and threats and it was tiring dealing with all that. I only just got through by praying and kept thinking what's best for the child? And I fought to make sure the ex couldn't have too much contact, because of abuse happening at those visits. It took 2 years but was worth it.
I often think I should have gone for adoption at the start, but I was too scared of what people would think of me. Now I can see being a mum has helped me grow up and learn a lot about life, that I would never know. And it's healed some sad parts of my childhood.
There's no easy answer, but it's good to share the secret, it might help me and give me hope.
Yesterday I thought oh 'x' number of years till 18, yay! But in some ways thinking like that makes it worse, because you feel trapped.
One day at a time I can manage, 18 years – sounds too much. It's about making a plan – to get time away from mummying, to have fun, mix with good people, break the boredom & I will feel better.
"GIANNA" Your MIL – instead of her just coming around can you ask her to watch the baby while you go out for an hour, then you don't have to listen and you get a little break?? Either she'll be happy or she'll stop visiting so much.
Some people swap roles and the husband stays home to raise the kids while the wife earns the money. Not sure if that's possible for you, but sounds like you need a break!!
I saw an Oprah's lifeclass (on her site) about not letting your child be an excuse to stop living or dreaming. Fit them into the dream.
Sorry for rambling, just had to get it all out! Thanks
Ha, that's easy for Oprah to say…you can fit anyone into anything if you have her money…
that the mistake women on this website are making. They want money and toys to mother their children.
oprah having money or not is neither here nor there in the equation of parenting.
Yesterday I thought oh 'x' number of years till 18, yay!
what are you intending to do at 18 that you havent done already? kick the child out of home.being looser parent is easy.
I hate being a mother. She is now 17 and I know teens can be hard, but I've hated it since she was born. I couldn't wait til she could walk, talk, dress herself, cook for herself and now I can't wait until she's 18. I am counting down the days. She treats me like her father who was an abusive, cheating drunk. I walk around like a zombie planning my escape in 10 months. I can't wait and I don't care what my family thinks. I did my responsibility and sacraficed the last 18 years…my jail sentence will soon be over. What happens to her…I hope she does well…I did all I could but she will NOT be living with me.
Those darn teens! I am on a countdown too. I have two years and two months. I can't wait. I hope I'm still sane by then. My 15 year old daughter is a "one-hit-wonder". One hit(having a child) and I wonder what in the world is wrong with me mentally. Only a crazy person would volunteer to do this; and you know they're crazy to do it more than once. I am so excited to get my tubal ligation. I feel like I've had one too many children, and I only have one daughter.
My son will be 9 in december and i hate being his mother i cant stand the way he treats me or my husband i guess the only way to get away from it is to get a divorce but i have never believed in that so its not somethi g i can do. I cant stand being a mom at all clean cook go here go there all for someone who does t appreciate me or give me respect why would i want to do that for anyone. I love my son but dont like him one bit. I sometimes wish i never had him. Which sounds so aweful to say but its how i feel he is draging me down i want to bet the crap out of him but instead i fi d myself screamng at him. It makes me cry even putting this out there for anyone else to read but these are my true thoughts and emotions why do i feel like this why do i think rhis way??
I can sympathize with you totally. I love my 15 year old daughter, but I do not like her. I actually enjoy my day when she's not around me. She looks like me and her father so I guess they didn't give me the wrong child at the hospital; this can't be my child- I want to wake up from this nightmare! She's disrespectful, ungrateful, always has an attitude, has severe behavior problems, school is a joke to her (second time in ninth grade and failing again), and the list goes on and on. I feel like she is a demon seed, not my child. The children's actions make us react in a way that we wish we didn't have to. It's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, you are human and want and deserve to be treated well by everyone, our children are no exception. Why should they get the privilege of treating us bad but we don't put up with it from anyone else?
I love my 15 year old daughter, but I do not like her.
you messing your daughter big time with all this conditional loving.
"It must take incredible strength and come from a very deep place to finally google "I hate being a Mom" to try to find some support from others who just might feel the same way"
Someone wrote this a in a post quite some time ago and it is true, because I was shocked to find this site when I googled this very subjuect.
I have a 7.5 month old, LOVE LOVE LOVE hime, but I really can't stand being a mother. I think I would feel differently if I had some help (my husband is really good, but he's at work all day, and baby is in bed by the time he gets home). I moved from my native country and had a baby without any support from family or friends. No one visits, and the only people who call are people from back come who obviously can't just jump in the car and drive across the Atlantic Ocean. I'm sick of being along at home all day, day after day with a child who doesn't nap well, and doesn't sleep at night well. By not well, I mean a child who has been waking up crying a MINIMUM of 4-5 times a night. Getting on to 8 months later and I really can't understand why I did this to myself. I had a great job, had friends (who have disappeared from my life since baby was born), had a life, could think straight, could cook dinner with some thought….and now, I barely have the brainwaves to remember to check the mail everyday. I think I would hate all of this much less if I had had this child where I'm from with support of grandparents and other family and friends. Even just to come over and cheer my up…that would be enough.
Playgroups and antenatal friends just don't cut it.
And you know, the husband just really has no clue what it's like to spend your every waking moment with a baby. He wonders why I'm in a bad mood all the time. We haven't had sex since baby was born (well once, but I can't say that it counted).
I keep thinking I should send myself on a little 3 or 4 day vacation somewhere and leave baby with my husband so he can have a taste of what I have to go through…but then I think, how selfish of me…and it would be. Not only that, but I would miss my son terribly and I know he would miss me too…
Oh my God; I could have written that post myself, the only difference is that I work full time so I get a little break. I'm also from another country, so I can relate to every single thing you are going through. When am not working or grocery shopping, am taking care of her. Hopefully it'll get better as they get older and more independent; right now she's so clingy and has bad temper tantrums, really embarrassing! She turned two last November
I feel your pain all of you. Does any else find that the teenage years are the worst? And feel like you spent all this time giving them things and love, food, clothes on their back etc. And now they want nothing to do with you. I disciplined them but yet they sneak out, talk back. It is a nightmare
they are growing up.
at teenage think more on enhancing their independence not curtailing it.
If you dont know that you will learn how
hard it is to climb a waterfall.
Yes! Yes! Yes! -teenage years are the worst so far. A nightmare is an understatement.
Thank you so much for all your honesty. It is perfectly fine in my opinion to feel the way you do, I think it's the toughest job in the universe but unfortunately everybody takes it for granted and the media make it look like it's a piece of cake.
I believe you are helping so many people with your comments, you are helping other Moms in the same situation so they won't feel that they alone and are horrible monsters for feeling that way, women (and men) who are still on the fence to make up their mind and last but not least women who maybe wanted kids but for whatever reason couldn't, to make them understand that maybe it was a blessing they didn't have kids. So THANKS.
you women are so lucky to even have the chance to get pregnant! i am a 19 year women with NO chance at ever being a bio mommy! god gave us this gift and your complaining is ludicrous! children are gift yes they are frustrating at times but they will someday be just like you and I god i hope they're more like me than you. you people obviously cant appreciate the fact that being a mommy is what women where put here to do!
Boy, do I pity you. Listen to yourself; could you be anymore self-castigating? Women were put here to have children? Can you even imagine anybody making the same claim for MEN? (And what must you think of yourself, if you can't fulfill your "only purpose"?)
Before you spew your nonsense about setting women back 50 years, here's something to consider:
If you think caring for a child is so important, why aren't you thrilled at the grand opportunity to adopt multiple children? I've often wondered why people who spend a gazillion dollars trying to get pregnant don't save a child or two from the foster care system. Or all those people that continuously fight against abortion – why aren't they adopting tons of children?
Oh right, because you don't care that much about kids. You just want to attack the women on this thread. Well, given your inflammatory/judgmental post, don't expect any sympathy.
Obviously women weren't put here to just have children because you can't. Does that mean you're not a woman? No it does not!! Don't judge us because we hat motherhood. You just think it's so wonderful because you don't have your own. Count yourself blessed. You can always adopt if you really want children.
You're barely an adult with no chance of being a mother and yet you still speak as if you know it all about raising children…to women who have actually been there. You'd better be glad you have YOUR gift (and somewhere down the road you'll see what I mean), because otherwise by now you would have definitely trapped yourself with one (and likely another on the way) with all that parental knowledge we all seemed to have at age 19. It's different once the baby is born, and you realize you know nothing and are in even less of a place to judge.
I accept that reproducing may be one of the things I was created to do, but you can't convince me that putting up with BS is my calling. If women were created to be mothers then why are there so many barren women? All I want is peace, and I've found that's impossible with my child. I don't even care for children all that much. This job is way too stressful for me. Most times I let my daughter sleep until 3:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon because once she gets up my pleasant day will turn sour. I hope she turns out like her since God gave her the life that she is supposed to live. Maybe she'll want children, maybe not. I've already told her that if she has children and they give her grief don't call me because I will be of no solace to her. She'll be getting her just desserts.
Oh get off your high horse! You haven't experienced it so how do you know you wouldn't feel the same? Women were NOT put here to be mommies, get out of the 1950s!! It's judgemental and ignorant people like you who propogate the myth that being a mom is the most rewarding path in the world. For some women that may be true but women need to be told that there are oher paths available and not that their purpose is to procreate.
lol, are you serious? They're complaining because being a mother SUCKS. They aren't "lucky" to have the chance to get pregnant, because as it turns out, that thing you want so very very much isn't anything like what it's cracked up to be. Do you know how many people would LOVE to be in your shoes, knowing they would never have to deal with an unexpected pregnancy?
"What women were put here to do" – that's disgusting sexism. You should be ashamed of yourself.
nope sorry being a mommy is not my sole point in life
I'm guessing you're a religious person and by no means I'm bashing you for it. I'm sorry you can't have babies of your own, but I wasn't put on this earth to have children, so I never will.
Not everyone shares your belief that women were put on this earth solely to reproduce. Some believe we have other capabilities. Not everyone believes in god either, so it's unhelpful for you to judge others. Perhaps an infertility support forum would be a better fit for you.
Holy cow, what's this obsession with god?? God has nothing to do with procreation or non-procreation. It is a biological function. Get with it.
@Anonymous Two
Thank you for putting that straight. I'm sick and tired of hearing "children are a gift from God" – if anyone really believed this nonsense they should never use contraception, since it's all God's will. Hell, just makes me aggressive reading this BS.
"…you people obviously cant appreciate the fact that being a mommy is what women where put here to do!"
Do you realize what you wrote and published on this site? Please stop barfing your 1950's gender roles on us.
I love the honesty of some of the women here. How dare others discriminate against us for speaking out against motherhood? It is not for everyone and those of us who hate it, but still do it because we love our children, should not get judged for the way we feel. You can't change how you feel about some things. No matter what I do I can't MAKE myself enjoy being a mother. There are those times when I am happy because I see my child happy but for the majority I just feel like I want to run away. I can't though…and neither can these women. So we're doing our children right by sacrificing our lives, our freedom, our sanity, our dignity, and our identities to provide the best lives we can for them. We are better because unlike many women.. we will not abandon our children, we will not make them suffer, but we will suffer in silence until we have a chance to be free again. So places like this.. will be our outlets. We can't talk about it openly or we are persecuted for hour honesty. We say we "hate being a mother" and people HEAR "we hate our children".. not the case. Some of us were just never meant to be mothers and through all kinds of different circumstances.. we did it anyways. My pregnancy was totally planned and I thought it was a good idea at the time. I even thought everything through beforehand..I spent months thinking it over before even attempting to become pregnant.. but even after thinking and planning I was in no way prepared for motherhood. Nobody tells you the negatives before you get pregnant.. they convince you it's a wonderful idea and you will love it..even after you have one and proclaim to the world you will NOT have any more because it's "NOT your thing".. you have these jerks trying to say.."Oh you MUST have atleast two!.. That way they will keep each other company!" I think it's a secret shared among parents with multiple children.. they're miserable so they want you to be too. They just don't have the balls to admit they're not perfectly happy. I have no problem saying it openly but.. due to the prospect of losing friends and family over my feelings I have to keep these feelings to myself and it sucks. Especially since those who rant about how they love motherhood are allowed to speak their minds because it's "politically correct" and socially acceptable. They make me want to puke. Glad this place is here for people like me to be able to express our feelings and realize we're not alone.
I could have written everything you just said. Bravo! Especially the distinction between hating your children and hating motherhood. I can (and do!) love my son and do a good job caring for him, and at the same time wish I never had him. I also wish that we could talk like this with people IRL and not just anonymously online…maybe someday.
I totally agree with your post!!
This is the best post I've read so far. I agree with everything that you posted. Glad to know that I'm not alone.
I respect you for being honest. I appreciate the moms who are honest. It makes me think twice about making such a huge decision.
This is, probably, somewhat offtopic.
I have no children and I don't know if I'll ever have them (I'm in my late 20s). In my case, I masquerade as childfree and happy but, deep down, I'm full of doubts. Why do I do this? Because there are some reproductive issues… I'm not sure I'll ever be ABLE to conceive even if I finally decide I want to, and I suppose I want to give the impression that not only I do not care, but I'm actively NOT wanting kids.
I must confess that I read this thread to get to know the negative side, and the doubts you can still have when you've already become a mother. I read your stories and I'm ambivalent the whole time: I feel for you because you have stressful and unhappy moments which seem to last forever, and yet I envy you. I just can't help it. I keep reading and being more and more confused.
I feel like life is rarely fulfilling for anybody, childfree/childless or not. I hope I'm wrong.
people are different.
You probably wont find happiness without a child. Dont listen to everyone else. listen to yourself.
Maybe it would be in all of your children's best interests if you all just walked away from them. Children can tell and feel hatred and animosity, and from what everyone is saying it seems like that's what everyone is feeling. So you don't get to travel and hang out with your old friends anymore, or the dad is a loser. It's not your child's fault yet unfortunately the child is the one that has to spend 18 years of its life suffering because of the crap parent(s) it got dealt. Grow up, stop acting like your life is so horrible and miserable, and be a parent that your child deserves.
And before anyone jumps down my throat about how I don't have kids or how I gave nothing up: yes I did. I found out I was pregnant half way through training as a paramedic. I had to do my last clinical 9.5 months pregnant. I worked on an ambulance until my 9th month. I had to give up an overseas paramedic position making 6 figures and I'm living in a state I hate. But I wouldn't change one thing. Now that I'm a mom I couldn't imagine being anything else. I'm a full time mom and a full time paramedic.
Hip hip hooray!!! You love being a mom. There are many of us who don't like it. That's not to say that we don't take care of our children. My son's needs and most of his wants are met. He has more than a child from a two parent household. It is an unenjoyable situation. I have a stable household, income, and career as well. I finished my Bachelor's and Masters degree after my son was born. I still don't like being a mother!
Lady DC I respect you for being honest. I don't have kids. I am pushing 40 years old. I just don't like being around babies/kids too long. I am nice to my friend's kids. But they aren't mine. I don't have the financial burden of taking care of them. So I am not stressed like my friends. However, if I had my own I think I'd be depressed, seriously! It is just way too much responsibility! All of my money would be gone because children constantly want something.
I hate being a mom when things go south, but then I see that smile or hear the words "mommy I love you" and then I know that I have a little trouble maker that loves me with all her soul :) being a mother is hard work and no one likes hard work but everyone loves to be loved
You must have a lot of time on your hands to be a full time everything. They let you take your kid in the ambulance?
Unfortunately, the law sees walking away from your children as child abandonment and you can find yourself in legal trouble for that. You say that the children suffer for 18 years, what about the parent(s)? The children can feel hatred and animosity- what about the parent(s)? I feel that my daughter dislikes me but why won't she leave. Her father and I aren't together so she could go live with him? I won't be sad. What I wouldn't give to not have to deal with constant attitude, the school call me about my daughter's behavior, walking the hall, skipping class, having to call the police because I have no idea where she is in over 24 hours, called by the police because she's been picked up for truancy, failing every class in school for the second year of high school. For me, parenting is stressful and frustrating. I'm ready to wave the white flag. I accept my failure and want out. I have no idea what type of parent she deserves, maybe a warden, or a drill sargeant? I really don't feel that I am qualified for this job. I can't even get fired.
Good for you that you are making the best of your life; I pray that you don't endure any stresses or frustrations, worries, etc. from your child.
How hard is it to understand that just because you don't like something doesn't mean you're miserable at it. I hate being a parent sometimes, but that doesn't make me a bad parent. I had the best mom in the world all throughout my childhood only to discover as an adult that my mom hated 90% of motherhood duties. That doesn't mean she hated me, just the job. I completely understand that now. Just because I sometimes hate being a parent doesn't mean I don't love my kids, nor does it mean they have a miserable life because they can sense my frustration at times. They have a great life and are both well-adjusted teenagers and I have no qualms telling them about the harsh reality of parenthood. I certainly don't want any pregnant teenagers because they believed in the fairytale facade of motherhood. Kids can still grow into healthy adults even when exposed to the truth. They can know they are loved but also how difficult it is to be a parent, and imo, they should know both aspects so they can gain an appreciation and respect for their parents. With all the parents allowing their kids to live in a bubble and sheltering them from unpleasant realities often leads to kids becoming self-centered and unappreciative of their elders, because in their minds, "mom/dad LOVE sacrificing their entire lives for me, so there's no need for me to consider their feelings".
If you don't like people sharing their feelings toward motherhood, then quit wasting your time here judging others.
people like yall make me sick. i can't have kids and i am helping to raise my bestfriend' daughter since she was a born. her real dad is jerk off loser that never sees her. i enjoy every minute of it. the yelling, the pouting, the laughs, thecries, the fits, the hugs. she is the most precious and beautiful thing in the world. people like yall are the reason they should require licenses to be a parent.
How dare you tell other people how to feel about being a parent! If being a parent sucks, at least there are honest people out there that are truthful about their experience with raising children. It's great that you enjoy helping your friend raise her child, but that doesn't mean everyone else in the world will get that same enjoyment from taking care of a child. You need to stop being so narrow-minded and understand that many people struggle with the decision to become a parent. And you're right, everyone shouldn't become a parent.
I actually agree that we should have to take some sort of class or test to become a parent. Maybe more of us would go in with our eyes open or decide not to have children at all.
BUT many of the women on here have young children and are suffering from some level of PPD whether they want to admit it or not. Since you can't have your own children (I am sorry you can't) then you can't compare your situation.
I truly believe the hormones are crazy! FOR YEARS! I have been much happier the past year or two, but as recently as last month (my youngest is 5) I could feel a shift in my hormones again (for the better). I was scared I was pregnant again because the only time I have been this at peace is when I have been pregnant. And that's because of my hormones changing during that time! Thankfully I think it's just cause I am getting old, but I am very grateful for the shift.
Parenthood has become easier for me with time. But I will never forget how hard those first few years were and how I sometimes struggle to be a happy Mom even now. I still don't feel like it was something I was cut out for, but I love my kids and I have found ways to adapt and things that work for me.
It's a shame you can't have kids, since it sounds like you want them. However, as much as you want kids, some people equally do NOT want kids. Both choices are completely valid. Quit being so judgemental.
Everyone has a right to voice an opinion, however I'm curious how you found yourself on a 'I hate being a mom', board?
We always want what we don't have until we get it and everything that comes along with it. I wish I couldn't have children then I wouldn't have to go through surgery and the possible complications just to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. Now that I have a child and have raised her for 15 years I wish more and more that I wasn't able to have children. All the lying, not going to class, suspension from school every two weeks, report cards full of E's, staying out pass curfew, attitude, and on and on. There are some good things about her I suppose but I'd have to dig real deep to find them. I have friends who tell me stories of their child stealing their car, their money, breaking into their house, using drugs, etc. And then there are the good ones- the ones who obey your rules, want to make something of themselves, are helpful, stay out of trouble, etc. I wish there was a child trade-in program, and then maybe my attitude toward children would be different. Yes, children are a blessing, but this BS isn't. Is this why there are no manuals about raising children except the good stuff? If you had a whiff of this, you'd never do it. I know I wouldn't have. The things I have and do sacrifice for this child are not worth the crap I have to put up with. I wish I could get away.
having a child is 50/50 – its scary. they might be the nicest kid ever, or the worst. such a gamble. i dont have kids, recently got married and already have "when are you having babies?" question thrown at me many times. im 25 – i feel too young to have kids and i think its rude to ask someone when they are having kids in the first place. what if i dont want them, or cant have them? why do people think its ok to ask me this? im so undecided on kids – we like our freedom and our money and travelling and going out whenever we like. its a big sacrifice esp if your not 100% ready.
…And people like "yall" should quit being so egocentric and judgmental and realize that not everyone seeings life the same way you do.
Word Ms I can't have kids so everyone that was able to but is having difficulty adjusting is a loser? ppl that are honest and seeking to find a way to improve their situation starting with be honest about it and yeah venting… those ppl make you sick… you already sound like a bad influence for children…
Why do they make you sick? They are being honest and I appreciate it. I don't have kids and I feel the same way when I am around children. By the way, kids are not always the most beautiful thing in the world. YOu know they grow up to be murderers, drug addicts, etc.
Yeah, you should have to get a license to have a child. With a basic IQ test. But based on your grammar and spelling, you're not going to pass anyway.
Nice job on helping your friend, but I'd be interested to know how much 'help' you're really providing to be sitting on such a high horse.
You do know it's traditional to use a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence, right?
But you can up and leave at any given time and that gives you comfort in the back of your mind. You arent responsible for her 100%. Youll never understand what the woman on here are talking about until ykuve had your own. Oh wait…you cant. Lol.
Hahahahaaa .. I was wondering why no one has pointed at the fact that this person HAS NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO RAISE CHILDREN BECAUSE SHE IS NOT- A MOTHER. Just because you help out doesn't give you the right. It's a nice gesture and all.. but, it doesn't mean sh it ! You have no clue! Most women that don't particularly enjoy being a mom are usually the BEST .. they OVER do it and bend over backwards to be the beat they believe they should be. A lot of the reason its such a difficult task. But you wouldnt know ANYTHING about that because you're just a babysitter
Yeah and we dont want to find out. I ALWAYS send childfree women to this site so they see the truth from women that ARE mothers.
Its always interesting to me how they say their SO's will say "Oh whatever you decide is fine with me, honey". What they dont say is that its fine with them because they probably wont be much involved in the day to day activities of raising a child. OF COURSE they dont care either way.
Wow! So on point with your comment
The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Get over it.
I really hate it too. I feel like I have completely lost any thing that was me. I never imagined having children and puting myself aside for my husband's career would make me feel this bad. I feel guilty for feeling this way but there you have it. Anyway, you're not alone.
actually i put it to you you are not having a life of your own.
The child is just an extra reason not to own up having to account for anything on your own.
Listen to this song
Away From Me – Evanescence. Describes the situation of most of you. Spread the truth out of this site so less unwanted people are brought into the world
i have a kid who is autistic and would give anything to have a normal child.
must be hard.
I trust you will find happiness one way or another.
I have a 11 year old son with Autism also. I understand the constant worry of 'will my son ever be able to live on his own' and 'will the school treat him fair' and it is exhausting.
My thoughts are with you.
I stumbled upon your post while looking for other moms who hate being a stay at home mom. I am the opposite and got pregnant at 20 by a druggie. I am now married to an amazing man who loves her like his own and we now have a newborn together. It is hard and notnwhat I would have wanted with my life. But God knows what we can handle…I just wish he didn't trust me so much. Good luck to your and I will be praying for you
I'm so sorry no way. My prayers and thoughts go out to you.
I too hate motherhood. Love my children just the everyday stuff is so difficult especially in this economy.
I hate being a mother, too. I take care of my baby because I have to. I never wanted kids. I always saw mothers struggling and thought, man I don't want that life. And, now here I am in it and its a nightmare. Like most men, my husband doesn't do much, if anything, for baby care. I have to do and plan for everything. He's also frustrated with me with my postpartum depression, so now we're not even talking. I wish we'd never had a baby because it has literally ruined my once happy marriage and basically every other aspect of my life. I feel bad for the baby because she's fairly happy and she has these two miserable parents. Now I understand why people with kids get divorced. My baby is only 6 months old. I was so happy during my pregnancy, but since she's been born I'm literally living in hell and there is no escape. I wish I could disappear or turn back time and never have had her. She was conceived after id been off the pill for several years, so I thought I wasn't able to have kids. I wish it had been the case. I can't do anything anymore. Not to mention the hell it is when the baby is sick. Being a mom is awful and I don't know why people have more than one. I can't wait until she's grown and gone from my life. I'm a horrible person and I'm probably going to hell.
if you are longing for your child to be gone away at 18….. guess what they already are. Children "read" their parents and know what is going on.
So the hell you started for your child and yourself is already at work. Its not going to come. It already is here.
You're not a horrible person. You're just honest. I hate being a mother as well. I regret having a baby everyday. My son is 9 now but it hasn't gotten any better. Everything is on me, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, after school and weekend activities, discipline, buying clothes and shoes, haircuts, and list goes on and on. It is the worst thing I've ever done. Before having him, I didn't believe in abortions. I always believed in woman's right to choose. Now if I ever get pregnant again, I will run to the abortion clinic!!
We should not use a abortion as a form of birth control. you can just use birth control because abortion is murder. I know God forgives for sin. But it's better to not get pregnant in the 1st place.
Eileen, I agree that it isn't wise to use abortion as birth control, though I'm sure that isn't what Lady DC meant. Accidental pregnancies happen all of the time.
Wow is it that bad?!I don't have any kids. People try to convince me that I am missing out on something.
You're missing out on lack of freedom, spit up, screaming, food stuck in your hair and clothes, tripping over toys, birthday parties for screaming children and small people telling you how much they hate you.
Dear No Way,
Maybe you should have thought of the demands of motherhood while you where having sex. DUH
Having sex does NOT mean someone wants to have a baby. Motherhood DOES suck. No way is expressing how she feels and she's not the only mother with those feelings. If more women were as honest as she is, a lot of other women wouldn't have children and have a bad experience. Now DUH that!!!
Exactly! I love my daughter and would do anything for her, I would die for her…But being a mother is the hardest thing in the world…
A person who knows the way the world works, wouldn't have made such a black and white answer.
oh shut up, Jenny, the point of this confession is that most women are sold a lie about the wonders of motherhood and some discover that they don't enjoy the experience and it is much more negative than advertised. "you should have thought of [that]" is you trying to silence people. knock it off.
Jenny, this is NOT the place to condemn those that have built the courage to express these difficult feelings. People like you are the reason these sights are sought out instead of talking to a friend etc. Did it ever occur to your judgmental unrealistic self that all of us are at least trying to do what's best for our child(ren)? With your readily DUH, this site may have stopped a mother from killing a child or anything. It is the ignorant insensitivity that people like you JENNY that give me the courage to be a better me because the truth is you are probably dealing with far worse demons than any of us. If you do not have anything constructively encouraging to offer… stay offline & plug back into a better setting for your intelligence such as the televison… Peace.
Wow! Just WOW! I'm speechless. And so eternally grateful. Grateful, that is, for so many honest women who are willing to share their true feelings. God bless you all! I'm a 39 y-o fence sitter, and it's so true that we're constantly being spoon-fed a bunch of rosy lil' lies from the 'Cult of Motherhood'…society's "optimists" who refuse to admit to anything they find undesireable about parenting, for fear that it represents a rejection of their old child(ren).
My hubby and I have only been married for 2.5 years. He has a 13 y-o from his first marriage, but I came to the marriage childless (or shall I say 'childfree'?!?!) Obviously time is not on my side, but I can't help but to admit that I have this huge maternal ambivalence that won't quit. Some days, I'm in love with the idea of having a child (yes, I'm admitting that it's the IDEA I'm more enamored with). But other days, I thank the good Lord that I have no children of my own! I know they're a blessing from God, but I'm definitely one of those who enjoys her freedom and independence to much, so it scares me imagine having someone else latched on to me for 18 years or more. I'd be pushing/past 60 before the child(ren) reached a level of independence…and that's under 'normal' circumstances.
Admittedly, I do have some fertility issues, but my fert. specialist has so much as said that it's an easy fix. My egg count/quality is still very good so it's not like there are no chances. But what does it say about me that after getting my count tested, that I've not returned to do the simple surgery he wants to do to "fix" things. I think in my heart of hearts, I don't want kids that badly, and it would devastate me if I just had them for my husband (he wants more kids) and then found out that I just didn't enjoy motherhood. And at my age, Heaven forbid if they weren't normal! Heck, normal kids are demanding enough. I don't know what I'd do if I ended up with a physically or mentally challenged child!
And I've been fortunate to have several women (mothers) in my life to be honest. Most were single mothers, so I'm sure the struggle is even much greater for them, but some have said flat out: "GIRRRRRRL, DON'T DO IT!" Add that to the fact that my stepson, as sweet as he is sometimes, poses the same challenge for me as some of your bio kids do for you. Hubby's the custodial parent so SS is with us about 70% of the time. I find myself staying at work late or going to the library when I get off so I can shorten the time between getting home and his bedtime. And this is a kid that's pretty independent. But I feel smothered! Not to mention he's one of those who feels like he has to report back to his mom whatever he sees and hears in our home, so it's like I live under surveillance when he's there. I try to have fun with him and take him out for 1-on-1 outings occasionally, but it's difficult feeling like I have to censor my words and actions around here. Our town is not a huge one, and I don't need my business taken to his mother's house – and subsequently, all over town. So I find myself longing for the 2 weekends and one-week-a-month that he goes to his moms! I cherish the time that I have with just me and hubby and my goodness, after reading you gals' accounts, I realize just how much even a child of my own would cut into my marriage.
But I LOVE kids to life! Always have! I've been working with kids since before I could drive, but somehow still feel as though I'm not cut out to do it on a permanent basis! I dunno, sometimes I feel like my 'calling' is more like that of the "Village Mother." Some of you may know what I'm talking about: that woman in your family, community, church, etc. who's always nurturing everybody else's kids but never had her own. Kids love her and she them and she's that "other mother" figure that gives frazzled parents a break. That's been my life for a long time. I fawn over other people's kids (I've affectionately termed them OPK's) and they fawn over me. I mean, I've had kids who don't know me from Adam's house cat who are just drawn to me. At church, with family's kids, in public…it's almost akin to the Dr. Doolittle relationship with animals. :-) We just understand each other! It's the sweetest thing. But somehow I think I'd feel suffocated – as several women mentioned – if hubby and I were to have our own! I've been a F/T nanny, a daycare teacher, children's ministry teacher, currently teach Sunday School at the church my husband pastors, regularly take in my siblings and in-laws' kids. And when we're together, I can't imagine life without them! They are SO very dear to me. But they all go home at the appointed hour!!! And maybe that's why I'm able to enjoy them so much.
It doesn't help that I have control issues (confirmed by 2 separate counselors) and a split personality. Kids born to overly controlling parents don't always fare well. Yes, I worry about whether I'd ruin/confuse a child with my temperament. And if I'm just downright honest, much of it is that I'm a creative and free-spirited being. As a writer, actor, music, singer, songwriter…I just feel like I have so much more to offer the world than to be tied down with my own brood. (Sorry if that sounds rude.) It's like I feel like my ultimate destiny is to affect lives on a wide scale…not just for my own offspring. I know that may sound selfish, but it's just how I feel.
But still, somehow reading these stories makes my heart cry for you ladies. Not that you need pity. But I just pray that you'll find strength to endure and that somewhere along your motherhood journey, things will improve and you'll find more of the enjoyment in it that many of you regret not having. If I had the money and life were perfect, I'd build a really, REALLY nice state-of-the-art boarding school/children's home that people could get education/tax vouchers to send their kids to. It would house kids all the way from infancy to 18, and parents who were struggling could bring their kids and leave them for a semester…or two…or a couple years – WITHOUT being judged and without be vilified! We'd have a top-notch staff of nurturing, doting "Village Mothers" who'd love your kids, engage them and give them a quality education. And the best thing is, you could visit but still be able to let them board until you felt ready to give them the mommy they needed. And for those who never felt ready, they could quietly sign over their parental rights. Or not. And it would just be OK. I know it sounds like a pipe dream, but building a children's home has long been looming in my heart.
I've worked as a journalist and every time we had a break a story of another parent killing their child(ren), it tore me to pieces. And I always said that we have to do better about being our brothers/sisters keepers. I agree with the poster who said that it's not meant for parents to do it all along. Indeed it takes a village, and when I read some of your stories, I wish to God I could somehow come help be a part of your village so you could get a break…for however long you need one.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
I love my son, but I hate being a mother. For me, motherhood has been a thankless, monotonous, exhausting, irritating, and oppressive job. I never wanted children, but I buckled into my husband's desire to have a child and became pregnant at age 39. My husband has a romantic view of children and parenthood. He strongly believes that a life without children isn't fulfilling. I agreed to get pregnant after much debate and regarded the decision as a compromise to keep contentment in the marriage. I should have listened to my gut instincts because I am not well suited to parenthood. I never enjoyed spending time around kids or playing with kids. Children, especially the out of control varieties, irritate me. The well behaved children bore me to tears. Motherhood hasn't changed these feelings. Pregnancy was miserable and depressing. Motherhood feels like a prison sentence. I can't wait until I am paroled when my son turns 18 and hopefully goes far away to college. I am blessed with a supportive, loving husband. But despite his best intentions, most of the parenting and household responsibilities fall on my shoulders. I am currently searching for full time work and cannot wait to put my son in daycare or with a nanny. My husband wants me to be a stay at home mom until our son starts school, but I cannot tolerate another 2 years of a childcentric existence without becoming nuttier than a fruitcake. Motherhood seems to be causing my IQ to drop with rapid speed. I expect to become a drooling, blathering idiot if I don't return to the real world soon and get some of elements of my former life back. To make matters worse, my smothering in-laws, who pre-baby demanded tons of time and attention, have intensified the guilt trips to "spend time together" ever sense the baby enter the picture. Weekly visits with the in laws have evolved into visits 4 or more times a week. MIL has tons of parenting expertise that I don't need or want to hear. She is spoiling my son with buying him crap on a daily basis that he doesn't need and uses it as an excuse to "stop by and see the baby". I recently returned a cartload of unnecessary crap to Toys R Us and Baby Gap and used the cash to buy two pairs of sexy boots and a bottle of perfume. This experience was the highlight of my year.
I feel like every day I am just surviving. I have 2 boys – 5 and 3. And I also have a 9 month old baby girl. My 5 year old son has been hell on wheels pretty much from day 1. He just started Kindergarten this year and I LOVE being able to drop him off and basically say SEE YA! until 3:00 pm – I have been waiting years to be able to do this. But, unfortunately, he only goes twice per week. Next year, he will be gone every day and I CAN'T WAIT. The stress and anxiety I experience as a mother is SO OVERWHELMING. I am so tired of cleaning up messes, breaking up fights, listening to whining, etc, etc, etc. I feel like a prisoner in my own home and this is why…….I am at home all the time with my children and I can never relax and I can also never get anything accomplished. Prison! Seriously. I try so hard not to complain to family and friends because I know they are just thinking that I should never have had 3 kids – I made my bed and now I can lie in it. I have so much pain inside my heart and mind.
No offense, but why did you thave 3 kids? I would have stopped at 1 child.
Sorry but thats just nonsense I love having my two my boy is 3 and my girl is 2 they fight like cat and dog and make loads of mess infact theyve ruined my house … but I love them . Hell on wheels just made me laugh typical boys lol hang on in there when it gets too much leave the room make sure there safe amd take a few moments to recover . Absolutely adore my two no matter how much they drive me bonkers.
I bet your son is just a miserable being around you. You're a debbie downer. I know motherhood can be hard, but it just seems to me that you are selfish. You don't want the responsiblity. It might have been better for everyone if you didn't have any children. Too late now. You poor son will have to be around a mother who doesn't enjoy his company. The only thing that is keeping your son happy is the visit from the inlaws. They actually want to spend time with him. Get him nice things…if you don't take them back to get sluty clothes etc. Why don't you try thinking about your son instead of yourself.
Why don't you try not being so judgmental? "Slutty clothes," really? What are YOU wearing that you think sexy boots are "slutty"? A burka? Gianna never wanted children. She decided to have one to keep her husband content. That's incredibly selfless, to give up your body and time to a child for your husband. As far as we know, she's giving her son all the time and attention he needs. She said she loves him. She just hates being a mother. That's what this website is for – confessing the things you're too ashamed to admit. And, hey, it sounds like her son doesn't need more toys. He's being spoiled rotten by his overbearing grandparents. Gianna, on the other hand, could probably use a little spoiling. No shame there. Back off with your judgement.
Don't you dare judge. DON'T YOU EVEN DARE. Not until you walk a mile in her shoes.
Wow Gianna, I am so grateful for stumbling into your post. I have read some different views, but yours is somewhat identical to my most sincere sentiments regarding motherhood. I never wanted to be a mother. I have never been fond of children. I will be 31 this year, my daughter will be 15 & my son will be 10. Before I was raising them, I had to practically raise 4 siblings beneath me & ironically my mother as well. I am not sure of your race, but as a Black Women, I have always been taught that it is my responsibility to make the most of whatever circumstances that are thrown my way. I have always been called "Mary Poppins" for how "perfect" of a mother I have always strive to be but the pressure has caught up with me. I have always put others before me & now that I have discovered I am somebody, being a mother has become that much more difficult. My daughter has tons of problems and I can't help but to feel like I caused them by just trying to rush them to 18 so they can live their life. I never felt (and still don't) that I have what it takes to be a warm fuzzy girly girl mother. In a nutshell, I am grateful to read about others battling the lack of joy in motherhood in a raw & explicit manner. Reading your story has allowed me to exhale some. I really appreciated seeing that even with your husband there you still feel this way bc many are quick to say it's because I am a single mother etc. NO, it's because I GENUINELY HATE BEING A MOTHER.
Your job doesn't necesarily end when child is 18, my mom still looks after my siblings who have mental, health problems.
I hate being a mother too. I never wanted kids but found myself pregnant at 42. 42! What a nightmare. I hated being pregnant. The father is a loser drunk I should have never been with but had come out of a bad relationship and wanted some company. I can't stand having to wake up and feed and change and clothe and carry and shop for. Plus her father is so inept I don't want him around her or even for visits. I got another boyfriend who loves the baby and as soon as the father found out he started harassing him. Then he started with threats and posts on FB then he started contacting the police with false allegations… so many times that they told me to get a restraining order. I did. He keeps breaking it and I keep having him arrested. He made false allegations to CPS and now they come to my house to check on me. I am in court fighting for him to have no visitations with her. CPS and everyone are on my side but this is a living nightmare of a hell. I have degrees too and owned my own business which I had to sell when I got pregnant. The father was so abusive to me during pregnancy. Told me he wished I would die in childbirth. Nutcase. I have all the threats printed out for the court and CPS. They know he is psycho. He called my sister to say he would murder me and my boyfriend and put baby in foster care. He is insane! I dated him when we were younger and he married someone else and we met up again 20 years later after his divorce. I should never have hooked up with him again. I would never have gotten pregnant. The baby is a joy a delight and a good baby, but I hate having to carry her every where I go. I hate being broke all the time. I hate hoping my boyfriend will marry me so we can live as a family and afraid that if he doesn't I will be all alone in this forever. She is a good baby everyone tells me, she sleeps well and all. But she is not gaining weight and the doctors are all concerned. I feed her she eats and drinks milk and all. She is very strong and muscular just not a big fat marshmallow baby like other people have. Thank God or I would have to lug around a 30lb baby everywhere. I got into a car accident when she was 7 weeks old and my back is in pain everyday. Also I gain 40lbs (I am short so I I look very big) I use to be slim and have a nice flat stomach – now I feel like a fat blob. Ever day is the same. What will her father do next? He has called where I worked and threatened them. He has called my boyfriend's job ( a prison) . He has no fear of anything or anyone. Right in the courtroom during our hearing, he was cursing at me in front of he judge and all the attorneys violating the court order. The attorney asked the judge to have him taken into custody. He did nothing. I hate having to deal with courts and CPS and police and doctors and my family calling me telling me what he said when he called them. I hate having to be afraid all the time. Everyone says well why were you with him? It was 2 months and I started seeing all these weird behaviors and I walked away. I found out I was pregnant later on. I had surgery years before and was told it would be very hard or near impossible for me to get pregnant. I did not think it was possible especially at my age. What a sick existence this is. And to think I won't be free of it until I am like 60 and then my life will be over. What a huge mistake. I thank God that my boyfriend is great with her and feeds her and changes her and loves her to pieces like his own or I would be in a nut hut by now.
i'm so sorry. it sounds like you hate being a mom because you are so angry and depressed about your life. if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy.
if your situation was different, you'd be able to enjoy the little things about being a mom more…but with all your stress…it's almost impossible to "stop and smell the roses".
I betcha the father has BPD. You might be going through post partum depression. I have both. It sucks. I KNOW it's hard. Here's the honest to God truth: If YOU don't make a choice NOW to seriously TRY to be a good Mom, by educating yourself, taking pills, relaxing, seeing a therapist, whatever it takes, especially if your boyfriend is willing to take care of your girl – DO IT. Unfortunately, BPD is genetic & absolutely horrifying. You DO NOT want your daughter to get it!!! She might meet every mile stone physically & seem like a perfectly healthy baby but her neural pathways are developing in her brain, even as little as she is, from birth till 3 & if you don't get her the stable & loving environment that she needs, you might end up with a very promiscuous daughter who self mutilates because of the pain she's been through. Once again, I KNOW you DON'T want to hear this. I DON'T either. But if you have bad genes on your side plus a bad upbringing, controlling, unstable, fights, yelling, babies/toddlers develop fear, which then turns into anger & most often it turns inward, because they're in so much pain, they HAVE to hurt themselves to dull the emptiness inside. Try to find something positive about her every day, even if you have to suck it out of nothing. "She slept throught he night!" That's WONDERFUL!!!! Read "Understanding the Bordeline Mother" that could be one reason why you might have not wanted to have children in the first place. And I would highly recommend "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger. I'm not trying to be know it all, you just HAVE to not to start this ugly cycle which will eventually perpetuate itself over & over. When she has a child, she'll project her anger to that child, worse yet, commit suicide herself, like my co worker's daughter at 22 & then her child will be fearful & angry at the world & all alone. If you read that book about borderline mothers, it'll make you want to do something positive RIGHT AWAY! It's like a slap in the face or a bucket of ice cold water – you'll be going, hell, no, I DO NOT WANT THAT FOR MY CHILD! I understand that's not what you wanted & maybe because you didn't think you could be a good Mom or maybe because you didn't want to be like your Mom but you got it! It's a blessing! You will find yourself treasuring your relationship with her someday. Maybe you're not great at taking care of babies, just like I'm not, but maybe you could be the best, wisest, coolest Mom later in her teen years. So what you're older. When all the boyfriends are gone, she'll keep you company! She'll take care of you, simply because you're her Mom. So, I KNOW it SUCKS!!! & you & I would hate everyone who just tells us to SUCK IT UP! because it's NOT EASY, but we have to! We have a choice whether to love or not to love a helpless baby, to care for or not care for them, to stay self centered & angry and project their crying as a rejection onto yourself or try your darnest to be the best Mom you can be! GOD chose YOU for a reason because HE KNEW YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE who could be the BEST MOM for your little girl. No OTHER MOM would do! Please ALWAYS remember that, pray, find a support group, when you're down, keep on picking yourself up & going still. It's not easy, it's horrible, it's scary, it's not just inconvinient, it COULD BE a nightmare or it could be a dream come true! Which one would you like it to be? God bless!
It's good for people to be honest and I'm glad I found this site. MOTHERHOOD ISN'T FOR EVERYONE. I got looked down upon by family and friends since I didn't have kids (mark you I was single then). I told everyone with all honesty that I didn't want kids. I have numerous nieces and nephews and though I love them so much, I hated being around them for more than a few days. Fast forward and here I am with a two year old. Birth control failed me, I decided to keep the baby and marry her dad. Now I feel so trapped, anxious and overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that motherhood brings. I can't do things that I used to enjoy since I don't have any me time. I can't even watch TV shows I like since all she wants are cartoons. Everything I do revolves around her. We have little help since all our relatives are in another country. I love my daughter and she's well taken care of but this is not the path I would have taken given a second chance. All I can do is love her since it's not her fault and pray for the time when she's more independent so I can have more time to myself. She's only two so that's a long way away..
Wow – they're ALL the hallmarks of a psychopath.
You need to move away.
Also – keep an eye on your daughter, she's got a VERY SMALL chance of having the same problem.
My daughter is 6 and I love her deeply but I hate her behavior. It's such that I never want to be around her. I have of course tried various things but so far nothing has helped. I'm really at wits end and I wish that I'd been smarter. There is nothing that I can do now but hope that things get better. I really hate being a parent!
I just happened to stumble on this site and I'm glad I did. I'm a single mom and as muchas I love my son I really hate being a mom. He's only 3, not even in school yet and I just dread the thought of having to help with homework. He's so clingy all the time, I can't go anywhere in the house without him following me, sometimes I just want my own space. I'm 26 and haven't been able to finish college yet. He was definitely unplanned at the time, sometimes I just feel like I have no motherly instincts. I'm glad my mom is around to help give me some free time. I doubt I'd be as sane as I am now without her help. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions with no real emotion at all, pretty much just because I have to….
What a relief it was for me to type in "hate being a mom" and find out that not only are there other mothers out there who feel similar to the way I do, but are able to articulate it in an understanding way. First, before sharing my innermost feelings, I want to give props to all of the mothers who are overwhelmed and under-stimulated and yet you keep trudging on day by day to giving your best effort. And to the moms who love their jobs, kudos to you too – life is full of grace for those fortunate enough to do what they love and love what they do.
I love my kids – all three. I have the best teenager in the world – she is finally at an age where we can really connect. My sons are joys to me – and not a day goes by that my kids don't feel loved. But after almost two decades of being a mom, a sahm, I feel that my edges are beginning to fray. I suffered from PPD with all three children, my husband thought mothering was inherent – that with each birth my nesting instinct would emerge from whatever reserves that men think women have that don't exist in men. I was supposed to turn into a doe eyed Madonna, complete with a wash rag in one hand and laundry on my "can't wait" to do list. My husband is a stupid man, I love him, but he doesn't want to empathize because he would have to do something about it. I don't kid myself about my mothering skills – my mom was a bitch and I have always been a slob. I was pretty insistent about NOT being a mom after my daughter was born – I only had enough in me for one child. Unfortunately, birth control begged to differ and I was blessed twice more with children. I could have had an abortion and am absolutely pro choice, but at 32 I felt that we were adults and supposed to deal with the consequences of our actions. Regardless of my history, since I had my daughter at 21 I have always felt I was never meant to be a mom. She was born before I was married and although I had an adoption couple picked out, with my family pressure I kept her anyway. And most people would feel this was cruel, but I feel that was the biggest mistake I've ever made. She had an opportunity to have a great life but I subjected her to being the daughter of an uneducated, non working single mother. I felt everyone pressuring me was extremely selfish … and let me tell you – none of my family are actively in my life. But trying to stand my ground when I was pretty much a kid myself was impossible.
I love my kids – I ache for them every time I snap at them, every time I neglect their needs, turn them away because I know they deserve so much more. But I am done. I cannot make myself volunteer for one more bake sale, eat lunch at the school, go to Mcdonalds or play outside when I hate being outdoors. I'm constantly being pulled in several different directions, especially with children of such varying ages, and after almost 17 years of being called "momma" I am desperate to rediscover who I used to be before being buried under the tons and tons of mommy debris. I have tons of regrets, but I already know that my biggest one at the end of my life will be not loving what I do. I told my husband it was like living in a Communist country – being forced to work at a job you hate for your entire life. There are no easy escapes – how can one abandon their children and not feel the weight of guilt everyday? How can one continue the mind numbing endless chores of motherhood and not want to run away? All I can do is accept this is the life I have – but accepting isn't the same as enjoying and I can honestly say everyday I hate what I do without a ton of guilt (there is still some residual guilt). Because I, like most of the mothers here, am still doing it. Still wiping butts, still cleaning up spills, still reading, helping with homework. And I resent no one, I just ache for something more. I do know there are many women who would love the life that has been handed to me – but that doesn't make me feel better because there are many women's lives that I would love to have. At this point of my life, I'm ok with the fact that my kids are uninjured, sane, and loved. My house is a mess, chicken nuggets are a food group, and if my husband wants a perfect wife/mother, he more than welcome to go find one.
I just hope that reincarnation exists because in my next life I'm so going to be a belly dancing ninja … with big boobs.
So well put! You made me smile.
"My house is a mess, chicken nuggets are a food group, and if my husband wants a perfect wife/mother, he more than welcome to go find one."
Yes! That! Thank you!
Well put indeed! You made me laugh. And truth be told, I'd be willing to bet you're a great mother…at least the passion in your writing suggests so. I just hope that you, and all the other overworked, frustrated mothers here will soon find a bright ray of hope – or shall I say 'ray of HELP!' :-)
I am reading this because my wife asked me to. She has been depressed for a long time. The kids are great kids but she hates being their mom. It is not what either of us expected. The hours are longer, the sacrifices are greater than what society would have you believe. For some people I guess its all worth it but in our mind it seems we gave up not just our sanity and peace but our relationship as well. They say well if your relationship was strong to begin with a child shouldn't matter. That's total bullshit.Noone can prepare you for how hard having kids is on your romantic partnernship. We didn't know any better wethought it would be just a few sleeless nights.Wrong. The worry, expense, extra hours staying late at work so you can pay bills, the mess, the fighting, the exhaustion, all far greater then we ever knew. My wife feels like we lost each other along the way. I have to admit after reading a lot of thewse I have better understanding of hte womans side of things.It is hard to go to work every day but it is also hard to be left athome to referre two kids who are both very high in their need for attention. We have two boys who do not play quietly. Our patience has been dragged out so far, we do ask for breaks but there are not a lot of family members willing to help adn we cannot always afford a babysitter. We have not been intitmiate in almost a year. We are becoming strangers in some ways. After a long talk we are going to try and work on this. But we do agree no more kids. Originally we said five! Now we are more realistic and realize two is plenty. We defnitely are not the Duggars.
First of all, I hate myself for typing "I regret having a child" into Google search, but like you all I find total comfort in women who feel exactly like I do!!!! It's such a relief, because it makes me feel horrible for even feeling like this. On the surface I try to put on a good show, but it is HARD. I feel like I'm just going through the motions sometimes, and it sucks to find out you are not really maternal at all. I think I'm a good mom, but I don't really enjoy it like everyone tells you you should. Are they hiding this secret too? Everyone thinks you're crazy for not wanting kids, so of course you feel you have to or you'll be a big disappointment because Grandparents want Grandkids. when my daughter was born, I got practically zero help from my husband. Still not so much, and she's now 5. I feel like I'm doing it all on my own, and my life is just the same old shit day after day with no sign of changing. I feel terrible for even saying any of this, but I can't help it. I don't have any doubts I love my girl, but sometimes I wonder, "what if". And I realize if I had it to do over, I wouldn't be a mother. Some people aren't equipped for it, and I'm one of those people. I don't have patience for it. It's a sad fact, but it's the way I feel. Ahhhhh, I feel a little bit better now, now that I know I'm not alone.
I feel like I can relate to most of your guys' posts. I can't stand being stuck at home with my children, they drive me crazy. I would love to get a job and be free! But its so freakin hard to pay for childcare and find someone you trust,its ridiculous. My question is how the heck do we overcome this?? Are we stuck with this secret hate for the rest of our lives? Does it eventually get better? If it does then how the heck am I gonna survive until then?!
I am a mother of two boys, 19 and 3 years old. I can understand the frustration but I don't hate being a mom. I find it to be a privilege. My little guy was born after a particularly hard time in my life and I especially enjoy him so much. I do have sympathy for you girls that are having such a hard time with motherhood. My experience was entirely different from my first son to my second son. I became a mom for the first time at 21 and could really relate to a lot of the things you have all been saying. Looking back, I wasn't ready for all that motherhood entailed at that time. My second child was born when I was 36 and had seen a lot more of the world and went through some serious traumas and I know it was my little one that healed my heart. Every day with him is a miracle that I have been gifted with and I just LOVE everything about being a mother this time except paying through the butt for daycare. A lot of you are young and it doesn't seem like this time will ever end or turn out okay but I can say that for me it did thankfully and my 19 year old and I are really close but honestly I don't think we'll be as close as my little guy and I will be when he is 19. We are only human beings but I do hope that if at any point any of you feel that in all honesty, your kids would be better off with somebody else and you might harm them-please do the right thing and let someone else care for them. Your kids didn't ask to be born but they are here now and deserve the best, even if it isn't you.
I'm not completely in the same boat as everyone else but I'm afraid. I recently moved to a new state to go to school and I began seeing this guy who was 13 yrs older than me and I turned 21 we weren't so careful on my birthday weekend and now I'm 4 months pregnant. We ended up getting married, but I'm so unhappy. Everyone is so excited about me being a mother but I'm not. My parents disowned me so now I can't afford school so this is the first semester in 3 years I haven't gone to school. I feel so hopeless and I wish I had the heart to get an abortion. My husband loves us but he has two children of his own and I feel so trapped. I don't want to be a mother. I'm not ready to give up my dreams.
Wow, I'm not alone! I used to love being a mom. I have 4 girls and couldn't have asked for a better life. However, 4 years ago, my 4 year old (2nd child) was diagnosed with terminal cancer and wasn't expected to make it another 7 months. She proved everyone wrong and knocked the socks off the docs. She still is fighting and is going to attempt 1/2 days at school this week. However, this battle has been so hard on all of us. I feel so guilty to complain, but I regret bringing these children into this world to have to witness such pain and an unstable mom. So many people will tell me I am so strong, but the truth is I have only become numb. I refuse to allow myself to get close to anyone including my husband and children. I just couldn't handle the pain of loss any longer and now I feel I have failed them of there needs. I am so angry I was chosen for this job and hate it everyday. I'm tired and deliberately sleep so I may dream of a different life. I want to run away, but know I would never forgive myself. Actually, I struggle with forgiving myself now for wishing I never had children. Being a mom, stuck behind closed doors, and shut off from the world is no picnic for anyone, whether you care for a child, the ill, or elderly. Eventually, it catches up with us all. Guess, we'll continue to pray for better days, just wonder if I'll ever see it here on earth.
Dear Tired –
Although I can't imagine exactly what you're dealing with, I can send you my most sincerest sympathy. I don't think there is anything wrong with how you feel, I even think it would be expected. The frustration and helplessness, and the anger you must be dealing with can certainly be overwhelming, so how else can you stay sane without "turning off"? I can't offer you anything except my own hope that things turn around for you. Empty words I know, but I can't express to you more eloquently that I wish you the best. I don't know you and I certainly can't comprehend the level of pain you experience – I can only say I am sending love and strength your way. Stay strong.
A friend linked this to me in disbelief that it could actually be real. With the many stories of moms who hurt their kids or are unscrupulous about who watches their children– and are de facto responsible for their children being harmed– I'm having a hard time being shocked. Not to say I'm not disgusted, though.
If you genuinely wish you'd had an abortion, if you really feel your child deserves better and that you would die for them, then do the unselfish thing and tell Child Protective Services how you feel. Send them to foster care where people who want them will be responsible for their care.
Being a mom is hard. If you resent your kid, or wish daily that you weren't a mom, do the selfish thing (which is, incidentally, the most selfless as well) and get rid of them.
I found this thread while searching for something else. Being a parent is hard work and it is not to be taken lightly. The best advice I've ever received that was helpful is "you have to surrender to parenting". You cannot give a child the life they deserve while thinking only about yours and what you gave up.
My son wasn't expected but when I found out I knew what was expected of me. This is tough advice the majority of the whining here stems from woman who won't get over themselves to realize how great their life can be. It just won't be exactly on their terms.
The grass is always greener on the other side. There are plenty of single women out there without children who are as miserable as the majority of you.
Oh get lost! You don't need to be married or have children to take away the misery: neither are an antidepressant. Similarly, not everyone is cut out for motherhood even when they have children. Stop being so judgemental of people whose lives do not mirror your own.
Jessica: How is she being judgemental? And why are you so angry? She seems to be just giving her two cents that yes, life will be different if you have children and if you hold on to your past life, of course you'll be miserable -it's now a different life, as with any major life change.
You wrote: "equally I wish that parents would give people who do not want children a break and lay off the judgements and lies about how wonderful motherhood is."
She isn't saying how wonderful and one-sided it is….you seem to be the one-sided one, explicating only negatives about parenthood and writing catastrophizing statements, such as if a mate wants a child, that he will "dissappear" leaving the mother to do all the childrearing. How do you know? If you want to use fear tactics to encourage women to NOT have children, it can be balanced out by the fact that you, yourself, really don't know.
I enjoyed your previous post standing up for mothers to feel free to vent and CFs not to "show off" the benefits of a CF lifestyle. I completely agree with you on this. But, not every CF leads a charmed life as not every mother is miserable. I think that is part of what the poster was saying. It's not black and white, but the ebb and flow of Life for all of us.
I'm 38 and I don't have kids never wanted them. I'm so glad I never had kids. Motherhood is not for everyone.
I'm so glad I found this place… I do not want to be a mother. I have never wanted to be a mother. I already know I would hate being a mother and all that it implies- the sacrifices, the being vomited on, everything. I also know how horrible I'd feel for resenting being a mother. My mom, my fiance, and my fiance's mom are all trying to pressure me into having kids. They always talk about children/grandchildren or my friends who are ALL having kids. Every girl I went to school with is either married or pregnant and most are both. My fiance desperately wants a child in the next few years.
But the problem is that I don't want to. And my fiance couldn't even take care of himself, much less help me raise a child. He still lives with his parents and is extremely immature. Not in the way all guys are (relatively) immature, but in a profoundly unprepared for life kind of naive mentality way. Yes, we are both young blah blah blah. Yeah, he could change and grow into a mature(ish) man, but… knowing that I would resent being forced to have children isn't going to change. He claims he's ready and that I'm just scared… because I've given him a million reasons having to do with my bad genetics and family history since he is simply unable to accept that 'I don't want to' is a valid reason for not having children.
I've spent so much time crying the last few months as the fights over this have escalated that I've seriously thought about harming myself. I'm afraid of losing my fiance if I don't cave and tell him I will have kids. I've known him since I was about 14. We've been together over two years and have talked around and around the issue but neither of us are willing to compromise. I love him more than I've loved anyone, ever, and losing him terrifies me. But at the same time, I'm almost ready to break off our relationship because I feel like I'm losing my mind over this. Telling them I don't want kids just makes them smile and say that I will change my mind later. Being treated like I have some kind of disease that can be cured by exposure to baby pictures and talking about other people's pregnancies does not make me feel any better. >.<
I'm sorry for self pity and incoherent rant. It's just that this is the first place I've found that seems like someone might understand. And someone understanding is possibly the most wonderful thing that could happen right now.
My advice is simple and to the point: don't do it. Never sacrifice yourself and your desires for someone else. Inevitably, the people who pressurise you will disappear when the child is born, leaving you to do all the hard work.
Wow, a web-site dedicated to how I feel!! Of course ther'll always be the odd (emphasis on word ODD) troll slithering on sites like this, it's part their fault theres such a problem in 1st place;
I fell for all the guff about how fulfilling mthrhood is, har har, how you'll fall in love instantly & never know love like it, blahblah – there were NO negative or cautionary oppinions & I was happy looking after other's kids, I thought I'd be a natural! – so it came as total shock when I had a kid & felt nothing but numb horror. It's EASY for the smug parents who get it all on a plate – would they have the guts we do, to carry on day after joyless day? feeling trapped & buried alive, as I still do 5 years later, tho its also my fault for marrying a moron & now ending up a single parent, something I vowed I'd never be; it can NEVER be healthy for child-care to rest soley on 1 person, but sometimes circumstances conspire. I miss who I was, I feel like I've been in a waking coma for years & turned into something I HATE, a shouting, miserable drudge
Am back jus to see tired mom forum.my kid is giving me so much joy i must say she adds to my life.
mostly its her mother who does all the stuff and its not easy so i pitch in any way to make sure she is less burdened as possible.
i can be corrected but most of the women here-i think-mean they hate the grinding cleaning and cooking and added financial needs and attention.i dont understand why some do birthday party and pta stuff if u dont like. a child is not a human doll but a reality.and then there is the narcistic women who have invaded this topic.the ones who sincerely hate children but give birth anyway.
some children born to some moms here have really drawn out the bad luck card of a mother.too bad they couldnt have a choice about where to be born.
Well yay for you! I take it you're a man, anon?
Yep…I think this is that troll guy who is illiterate. Best ignored.
my daughter is doing well. gives me much joy.
Sure there are expenses.But she is is here and its her right to the best possible mother and father.
That does not mean giving her a credit card and toys. It means I play with her.
I would like for all the childless woman that come on here only to tell us how awesome their life is since they never did the "mistake" we did…PUHLEASE, this is not the place, so, med students, and successful bitches, this is not the place to be. If you are happy, and you dont have a stressful motherhood life, why dif you type "i hate being a mom"? You guys obvioustly ain't moms, and by the sounds of your posts, are happy only having to take care of yourselves…Do us a favour and go away!!! I am jelous of you guys…Its sad but true…Who agrees with me here??
Women who are childless will never understand until they become mothers themselves.
I agree: childless women will never understand but frankly, I wouldn't want to. I agree with the original poster that those who berate your life choices should not post here. I am completely supportive of everyone on this site and would never say 'my life is so much better than yours blah blah blah' because that's completely heartless and who am I or anyone else to compare my circumstances with yours? I hope that any mother on this site who is having a tough time will find solace as time goes on. However, my main gripe is that people are not honest about motherhood in daily life. As someone who has never wanted children, I have been subjected to so much c*ap including 'your life will have no purpose without children' and 'you'll never experience true love until you have a child'. Those two statements make me sick because the implication that all women are put on earth to procreate is very old fashioned and I cannot imagine loving anyone as much as I love my partner. Yes, having a child is a different kind of love but it is one fused with constant worry and thus, one I do not want to experience. So, while I agree that childfree women should absolutely not show off about their lifestyles, equally I wish that parents would give people who do not want children a break and lay off the judgements and lies about how wonderful motherhood is.
I am now 30 years old and i often times feel like i hate my 10 year old duaghter. I love her very much, i feel like i have even given up my life for her to have hers to the fullest, mabe its becuase i resent her as much as i wish it wern`t so.I to miss my life before becoming a single mother. Yes i have been alone for the full 10 years and my duaghter is so different from me, i like to say its cause she is a libra but she is so materialistic, and she won`t listen to me downs me and has been a stuggle every day that goes by, here i feel like i gave up my life and work my butt off to come home to a child that doesn`t care about anything but getting her way about every single thing. before i was a mom i traveled free, i guess you could say i was a hippie, all i had was a van and i sold jewlry i made for gas and food yet thats all i ever wanted. it makes me feel like a bad person to say that was the happiest i will ever be. im very out spoken and when your a single mom you cant help but feel you have had nothing to do with how your kid turns out because you had to work while daycare, school, and sitters and other kids are left to influence them. Then you get home after a day you would rather shoot yourself then go through again, even though you will tomorrow , and you have to deal with this little selfish wanting it all person.I cant help but wonder if you can get that post depression after 10 years and if so i should get some meds. im tired of spending anymore of my life with no joy and happiness and i know its because im a mom because the few times i have gotten out for a day to myself is the only time i have found any releaf but the minute i get home i wish i could run right back out the door, i know i love her very much cause its been 10 years and as misserable as it has been for me im still here.
Your daughter doesnt want to be a hippie like you were.
she want to be a successful monied woman. the same you call materialistic.
she probably cant tell you off as her mother.
but i can. so lay off her n mind your own business.
What a caustic, unintelligible reply. Not helpful at all.
She is a single, working mom of a pre-teen girl -very difficult.
But how would you know?
"Mind your own business?" you advise her. Really?
Her child = her business/her responsibility.
Perhaps come back when you grow some….empathy.
your errors repulse me and telling someone off over the internet is a myth..you really can't tell someone off anonymously.
so i actually told 2 people yesterdy that i hate being a mom. i especially hate being a single mom and u no what they did?? they paid me no mind.
i feel like my mind is racing. i dont sleep good. i'm just not happy. im always broke and i never ever get help w my son. i really wish some1 will take him from me 4 like a mnth so i can relax get my mind right. he's bout 2 b 4yrs old and since he been born i mayb got a break for 2dys for myself and even then i could not go out take care of me caz i had no $. i would never have anotha kid caz ive been though 2 much the past 4 yrs. im lonely caz i dont have a boyfrend. my son"s father is a asshole. and i just hate my life. i think if i had help being a mom it would b more exciting. i just need a damn break! i need a vacation. shit i need a rewind button in life so i can start over again
Ok, so here is my issue. I'm 30yr old. I love my 2 dogs like nothing else you can think of. I have had people tell me, "You'll be such a great mom. Your so mothering." Grrrrr…. I'm sorry but I hate anything to do with babies. I refuse to go to baby showers, I NEVER look at babys and oohh or ahhh.. I never tell my friends "Oh what a sweet little thing." I have no interest I babies. I must sound awful to you gals, but I am starting to think, I am 110% alone on this. My husband is WAYYY more into the whole "baby thing" then me. I can't stand kids until they are atlest 4yrs. I have lots of kids around me, and they have served as great birth control. Now my husband, of 11 years is pushing me everyday! I can't get a brake. He has my mom hounding me when he is not around. Non stop talking about babies.. GRRRRR… After meany fights, I have gave in, I told my husband, I agree to 1 not 3 or 5 just ONE! But I know I will hate the whole thing! Yeah, the whole 9 months will be hell! and There is no way in heck am I breast feeding. I want to get back to work ASAP. I fear my husband will forget me, and be obsessed with the baby, or I will have to do everything (in that case YES I will give it up). I just want to be the bread winner, enjoy my dogs, and horses. I have no need for kids. Can someone tell me, am I just a wacko or is there anyone else that felt this way? Anyone else feel just have a baby to make their husband happy? Will I lose my husband? I have so happy with our life with our 2 dogs, I don't want anything to change. What is the fastest I can get back to work? Do I really have to breast feed or pump? wont they just dry out if not used? Do I really have to do any of that foo-foo bonding stuff? gosh… please don't hate me I just want a safe place to ask questions.
You're not alone. I've been in a similar situation. A while back I googled, "I hate being a mom" because I'd always felt that I would hate being a mom if I ever had kids and wondered if other women that didn't really want kids but had them, ended up hating it. I've learned on this site that they do in fact hate it so THANK YOU for all the honesty here. I too, have gotten and still get the same responses, like, "Oh you'd be a wonderful mom etc". I am very loving towards people and animals but babies don't appeal to me at all. I've never felt incomplete without them since I feel there are so many opportunities and paths to choose in life, not just parenting. I know what you mean about all the pressure…it's exhausting. I've had to really stand my ground and trust my own instincts through all of it. I'm 32 and I finally had to end it with with my ex (who I was with for a long time and loved dearly) but I knew in my heart, mind and soul that I didn't want kids, and for a long time, neither did he. But the pressure got to him and eventually he felt he needed kids so I knew I had to let him go. He moved on and ended up having a child with someone although we have remained friends. He is always stressed out and unhappy, which makes me sad since he was always so funloving and carefree. I've moved on as well, and found someone who shares my views on not wanting kids and it's so much easier.
My advice is, don't have kids for your husband, you will be the one caring for the baby most of the time and it will cause a lot resentment. Trust yourself, respect your intuition, it's a natural gift that helps us make the right decision!
I feel exactly the same way. I LOVE my two dogs more than anything. I always thought there was something wrong with me as I don't oohhh and ahhh over babies. I do not like baby showers, I do not want to hold a baby. It seems like all my friends have babies and they are incapable of having an adult conversation. Even if there children are not there, that is ALL they talk about!
Now you show me a puppy? I will be falling all over myself holding and playing with the puppy!
My advice? If you are not 100% sure, don't do it. Your parents, in laws, and your husband can beg and plead but lets's be honest….you will be doing the overwhelming majority of the work and you will start to resent your husband and your baby. This is a lifelong commitment.
I stumbled on this website as sometimes I question my decision to not have a child. However now I am 100% sure I made the right decision. I do not have the patience or energy to devote to a child.
I am so glad there is this site so woman can honestly and openly discuss this without persecution and judgement.
Please, please don't have a child. You will wreck their little life.
If this is how you really feel, then having a child is the WORST decision you could possibly make. If you read through these posts I think there are several women who had a child just to please a husband/partner…and they're on this board so you can see how well that turned out for them. You're worried about losing your husband…you might lose him if you don't have a baby, and you might lose him if you do have a baby. Maybe try going to some counseling together and figure out why he wants kids so badly and what he thinks he is going to get out of it. And have him come to this site and read everyone's stories. Good luck.
DON'T DO IT!! I have seen and heard this numerous times… unless you wake up each and every morning thinking of nothing else than having and raising a child, you were not meant to have one. Your life will never be the same. I don't know why it's so hard for people to understand that. Each and every thing you listed above that is important to you will suddenly come last in your life. I understand it's complicated, but you will absolutely, 100%, have more regrets that can never be remedied by having a baby than you will sticking your ground and disagreeing with your husband.
Best quote ever:
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the COURAGE to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary"
Good luck
Rezquen, do u hav any children? It's ironic how how u are emphatic to advise "Don't do it!" Well how is that different from the din and pressure from others when they say "You'd be a great mom." ? Hypocritical to giv directives when ur quote is about 'living life' and not following dogma. Your's or the status quo's? And I doubt u hav children because no, parents do not hav to envision waking up to think about nothing but the children and the rest of their lives and interests don't immediately hav go to the wayside. Yes that wil happen if u buy into the untenable goal of "perfect motherhood" for example, which has harmed many mothers here! Many mothers here r challenged by support issues and overwork. The previous poster was articulating how she was on the fence, not just to hav a child for her husband – she also asked about practical issues like breastfeeding which I tried to advise – without telling her what to do!- from my experience as a working mother. Of course its not all 'sunshine and puppy dog tails' but u can't definitively know how she wil feel about having a child. None of us can. Why do ppl assume her husband will leave the childrearing to her? That's a stereotype if I ever heard one and givs him no credit from the get-go. That's why I wrote that the decision is ultimately up to her. And here's another great quote for you (adlib):"We choose to do things not because they are easy, but because they are hard." -JFK Sometimes these 'things' start with making autonomous choices which will, by nature, include aspects of the unkknown.
Its TOTALLY different. Once you have a child you cant just "undo" it like its nothing. YOURE STUCK
Oh man…and the ass-kicker is, usually the hubby and everybody else clamoring for a baby is the LAST person to help out when needed. If you can, try to talk your husband out of it. Let him know EXACTLY how you feel about having kids and if he gives you hell about it, leave him. It's not like you have any kids anchoring you to this guy – and if he can't hear you out after 11 years, it's time you left him anyway in my opinion. If you feel this way now, I can almost guarantee you that having a kid to raise won't change your mind for the positive.
don have kids 4 gods sake.
arent u getting anything from this site of regreting mothers.
myself i like kids more than pets. but kids are not for everyone.
may be you can change mind if you hold your own kid.but it does seem such a slipery road!
I would definitely tell you stick with what you feel. You don't want children at all by what you've written. So just don't give in. It's your life too and if you really dislike it now you will truly hate it when you can't give the baby back. You should have children when you want them 110%. It's not fair to the child if you have it when you knew beforehand you would hate it just by thinking about it. Don't do it. I wish you the best. It's a struggle everyday for me even with help.
Hi there. I will just reply to your specific questions about life with a newborn. Whether u decide to have the child, only u can decide that. As for breastfeeding, u absolutely do NOT hav to do it if ur not inclined. There is a stigma that we r bad mothers if we don't breastfeed. If u don't want to, u can defintely still bond with ur baby and yes your body wil just stop producing milk if u never start in the first place. That is what I would suggest – just start right away with formula and don't try to pump or anything. Get ready from some flack from ur hospital because they wil most likely push breastfeeding and try to guilt u into doing it but its your body. Your choice. Formula is just fine. U may hav to try a few different kinds to see which ur baby agrees with but no baby (that I know of) has died because it was given only formula. A lot of women don't breastfeed; u just don't hear about it because its taboo to not want to give up your entire body for your baby! Going back to work wil b much easier without having to pump. Plus if u use formula, ur husband can start helping right away helping with the night feedings, etc. Obviously, the cost of formula can add up but if u are both working its probably a non issue and may save u a lot of headache in the long run. Good luck!
No, I do not think you're crazy for not wanting kids and the "childfree community" is bigger than you imagine =)
I do think you're crazy, however, for having a child to please your husband. I know, you love him (of course! =) ), but taking such a huge life changing step will change everything. Have you thought about the possibility of you forever resenting him for "making" you do something that has no going back? And something else: no matter how participative a father is, the biggest burden always falls on the mother's shoulder! =(
Hustle yourself to the clinic and get an IUD love, if you don't fall pregnant…then you just don't. You don't have to tell anyone why.
(I live in the Middle East, and you would be SHOCKED at how many women hide birth control pills in the ceiling tiles and whatnot. Their husbands don't want to listen about the whole baby machine thing…so they just take matters into their own hands.It's almost a standing joke amongst my friends. Yes…it's a little duplicitous. But taking the pill in secret…or hating your unwanted baby…Oh, I don't know. I think the former is somehow less horrible. ) It's your body, and I have not read ONE post anywhere online where a woman was nagged into having a baby and then loved it. You need to be into this thing like 110%…clearly. And clearly…you are not into it.
Was he baby crazy before you got married? Cause if he was and you were not…then…you sort of did the wrong thing there. But if this is a new phase, and trust me with some of them it is, he might come around. Borrow a few little guys for a few days. Make sure they are cranky, hungry and loud. Let him enjoy that. Most men just fall for the "Kodak moment" thing…they have NO CLUE what work a kid is. Bottom line is with your ambivalence about the whole thing…the kid deserves better. Any kid deserves parents who really WANT it.
Maybe your husband would be happy with a boat.That and early retirement turned my fence sitter hubs right round.
secrets and games is simply not a healthy way to go in a fulfilling relationship.sorry.
If the man is not able to respect her choice not to have children then, assuming she has her self respect and identity, i don't know what she is doing in his life
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD!!! You're not alone. I dislike babies and feel indifferent towards children: just because we are women does not mean that we MUST love babies and coo over them: I have never done that in my life. Your reasons for having a child are (sorry) frankly ridiculous: bringing a child into the world is not a relationship band-aid, you need to seriously consider what you are doing as you could ruin your own life and the child's. It's all very well for your husband to put pressure on you because he is not the one that has to carry the child and nurture it. If you don't like babies and do not want children of your own, it seems ludacris that you're even considering this.
Thanks for this site to allow us to share our experinces.
I have the same experience and even worse. I got pregnant right after I migrated with my husband to the country where he works. His country is 22 hours by airplane away from my original country. My depression started when I first traveled with him..because I left my family, my job, my friends ,my relatives for the sake of my husband. Then came my unplanned pregnancy which was like a shock to me since I really loved my shape and body alot and I didnt like any change in it especially that I am a very good looking 29 year old woman.
Now I have my daughter taking all of my time.. I regret that I got married and I traveled with my husband, I regret being a mom, I regret losing my job, I regret meeting my husband..I hate my life..I cry every day, i am really desperate and in need of help.. I need to go back to work, any work, not necessary with my degrees…I have lots of university degrees, I spent most of my life studying and working…I cant imagine my life without a job..
I had the worst days of my life in this country..When I first gave birth to my daughter, no one of my family was here beside me to assist me..It was very hard emotionally and physically for me..really so hard. although my husband was helpful but it was not enough for me. My husband and I were alone facing this chalenge, our new born daughter.
I am really feeling sooooooooo hurt..
I can't imagine being so isolated. I have my mom and my husband's family nearby. Sometimes their "advice" is overwhelming and I just want to hide, but it means everything that they can watch our little one during the day so I can work and just get away sometimes.
Is there anyway you can find other moms to share babysitting with? I'm so empathetic and wish you all the patience in the world.
I am a stay at home mom. I am all the time sad because I lost my job for the sake of raising up my son. I have lots of university degrees and I am good looking as well. I just keep on thinking about my degrees how I used to stay up all night studying to get them, and now I am hanging them on the kitchen wall…
I really need to go back to work again because I feel i'm totally isolated..
I hope you find the strength to go back to work. I fully understand wanting to work, and use all that you have worked for.
I really had the same experience and even worse. I got pregnant right after I migrated with my husband into a very different country than the country I was living in, it is also like 22 hours in the airplane to reach to my original country.. I left my family, my job, my relatives, and all of my friends inorder to live with my husband where he works.
I gave birth to my daughter and there was no one of my family to visit me or assit me in the first few month of my daughter's birth. I had the worst depression in my life and I am still suffering from it. Although my husband is very helpful, but this is not enough for me. I am all the time crying, feeling totally isolated..I miss my family, my friends and everything that I left behind. I hate being a stay at home mum after I used to work a full time respectable job. I am 29 years old and a very good looking woman, I even still have my slim perfect body shape that I had before pregnancy. I feel sorry for myself all the time
I had my first child when I was nineteen and she was awesome. I was married and life was pretty cool.We divorced, but remained friends and I still consider my first daughter a total joy. At 21 I remarried and five years later we had the demon. I think this child was sent to me straight from Hell. She is a non stop screaming, whining, complaining, kicking, and hitting nightmare and now I have the unfortunate experience of being a SAHM…..I need help. She hates story time….she doesn't nap. She doesn't sleep through the night. My husband is divorcing me and leaving me soon to deal with this demon 100% on my own. I DO NOT LIKE BEING HER MOTHER AT ALL!!!! I feel guilty saying this but oh well!!!
I'm sorry to hear that ur getting separated but on a practical note, if ur husband is filing for divorce u can file for joint physical custody (not sole) such that u hav her half the time and he is required to hav a room for her at his new residence and raise her half the time. At least u would physically get a break from her and maybe the time u spend together would b less strained and u can look forward to ur days without her and not feel guilty. Her dad can't leave u to "raise her 100 percent" by yourself, unless u let him. This wil effect child support but hopefully then u could work at least part time (I assume your other daughter is in school full time) and diversify ur life, meet people and perhaps b happier. Good luck!
if you believe your child is a demon why are you complaining. The child is just reflecting your feelings and energys towards him.
May be the divorce talk and the like is driving him crazy-children feel these stuff and have no adult way to react.
It will take me a million years to agree that a child can control a parent without his or her approval.
Rose…..oh, I mean, Rosse….probably Rose. It's ok to have a differing opinion but you've already expressed yours, and others have expressed theirs in return. Staying and continuously attemping to take over a post on a site where your opinion threatens a supportive environment is akin to trolling.
You are still entitled to your opinion, but noone needs to hear it more than once from you.
you guys are doing to rose what you dont want done to you… to be judge for your opinion..
i came across this website due to the fact that i am a recipient of somebody that "hates being a mother" and i know there's no doubt that she loves her kids but her actions are affecting not the kids but her family around her.
it is very selfish of her – i'm just talking about this specific person and not generalizing all of you.
it is very selfish and maybe if this person have planned before popping out these kids she would save herself and her family problems.
that's all.
There's a difference between giving an opinion and outright lack of consideration. It was a completely judgmental post. Tact will go a long way, disdain will not.
'Rosse', perhaps YOU'RE the selfish one for not realizing that your mother is a human first. And is therefore allowed to experience a range of emotions. If you take anything away from this site it should be that many women are capable of loving their children without absolutely loving motherhood and that's OK.
You should try having a bit more empathy for the fact that she put her feelings aside to raise you and your siblings in the best way she could.
Another morning wracked by guilt.I hate starting off my days feeling so awful. At the time, I feel like I'm just going to scream. Often I do just scream. Dealing with my 3 yo is the only thing in my life that makes me feel so out of control.
This morning as I attempted to get her dressed, she ripped my nightgown out of my hand and tried to put it on. I gave up the struggle and went downstairs to get her things ready for preschool. I prepare as much as possible the night before to avoid the morning arguments. I rush through the final preparations to get done before she decides she has to come downstairs. I lucked out today. Normally she comes down and gets into everything. What would take 5 minutes becomes 15 minutes of picking up after her, keeping her out of danger, cleaning up, answering unending meaningless questions, and dealing with tantrums. Please just stay upstairs for 5 minutes! If I'm brave enough to try to shower, I'm interrupted every minute. I have to rush upstairs soaking wet because she is shrieking about something or other. Worse yet, she stands at the top of the stairs and tells me she has to hug or kiss me. Now I feel horrible for being annoyed at being interrupted every 60 seconds.
Today was a good day–I managed to distract her long enough to get her dressed without her ripping her shirt or socks off. She grabbed her top for show and tell. On our way out, there was a brief tantrum because I handed her the gummy vitamins instead of serving them to her in the lid.
We get to the car, and we struggle over which side she will enter from. One side is blocked, so I get her to the driver's side as she hits my car with the metal top repeatedly. I take it from her and she is outraged. I have to threaten to put it back in the house in order for her to get into her car seat. On the drive to school, she bangs and bangs the top as she asks nonsensical questions. I keep thinking, "Almost there. Two more miles. Just get there."
My timing was off today. Lately she will sit down and feed herself cereal, a vast improvement from a few weeks ago when I had to sit next to her and feed her yogurt for at least 10 minutes before I could leave, all the while watching other parents dropping off their kids with a kiss and hug and sailing effortlessly off. This morning they were transitioning rooms, so she couldn't have breakfast yet. I tried to get her involved in the activities, but she kept clinging to me and telling me to stay. I cannot stand when people cling to me. I feel like I am suffocating. She won't let me go, wrapping her legs around me. grabbing my fingers. God! Just let me go, please! I have to get out of here. I feel like I barely made it to the school without exploding, and I can't stand one more minute. So the teacher took her to the window to wave at me. I could not drive away fast enough.
Now I feel terrible. I feel like I should have stayed longer. It's always easier in retrospect. I know she is okay and playing with other kids in the playground right now. I am the only one who can't let it go. If I stay there for prolonged periods every morning, when will it end?
After finding this site, I realize how lucky I am. She is in preschool every day. I work odd hours, so 3 evenings a week, I have a beloved sitter that picks her up, bathes her, gives her dinner and gets her to sleep. I used to come home early on one of those nights, but it was such a disaster. It would take me an hour to get her to sleep. Many times I would just scream with frustration as she called me into the bedroom for juice, or to be covered, or for any reason for the 30th time. Then, of course, I would feel terrible. When she would finally fall asleep at 9:30, I still had to prepare things for the next day and go to sleep because she would often be up several times in the night, and eventually come into my bed around 3:30, only to wake up at 5:30, 6 if I was lucky. I resented it so much. So I decided to stay out the extra time until the baby sitter texts me that she is asleep.
I am lucky because her dad has her every other weekend. But my God do I dread the weekends I have her. I would rather work that be home with her. It feels like torture. I count the hours till nap, then till bed time. Now I work several hours every weekend. I hire a babysitter to play with her or watcher her at the park while I work. This way she has a patient caregiver while she plays, and I don't have to suffer through the struggles and subsequent guilt.
It is getting easier as she gets older. Thank God she is potty trained. Many times she sleeps through the night now. I breast fed her for 2 years and had interrupted sleep almost every night, so now I am so grateful.
When we are together, I make it a point to be playful and loving. I take her places she likes. We read and swim and take walks. She has plenty of toys and food and nice clothes.
For a long time I realized I don't like being a mother. I've alluded to this to other moms I know, but no one else will admit to it. I see them depressed, overwhelmed and totally exhausted, but no one has the guts to say it. That's why I am so grateful for this site. I am not the only one. In fact there are many who feel as I do. We love our children but do not like motherhood. I tell myself it's like hating doing the dishes or shopping. No one would say I was a bad person if I disliked those. I wouldn't even be expected to like them. My likes and dislikes make up part of my personality. But if I don't like being a parent, I am a pariah. Thanks to this site, I am coming to grips with my feelings about this. Now that I know I am far from alone, I have hope. Thanks for letting me vent.
Thanks for a very honest, up front look at your daily life. You have no idea, TK, how much your post helps put motherhood into perspective for so many of us on the fencers.
You guys are all amazing, strong women. I only hope that someday soon, we can start talking about these things in an open setting instead of hiding anonymously behind our computer screens about it.
This age can be so insanely hard to deal with. You have to continue to do what you need to do to keep yourself sane and relatively happy. If you spiral down into depression and misery, what good are you for your daughter??? As long as she is being taken care of, kept safe, and given love, which you are doing all three, than she is thriving. Remember, it takes a village to raise a child….way too hard for one person to try to meet all the child's needs without getting seriously depressed. Some moms can do it but I am more like you and need breathing space. You taking care of you is top priority because your daughter needs you around for the long haul. Can you imagine how amazing it would be for her to have the gift of a happy satisfied mother/woman especially as she gets older and needs a role model! Too many moms end up sacrificing their souls for motherhood and up angry, exhausted, and joyless. What good would that do you or your daughter?? You are doing an amazing job it sounds like keeping her safe, healthy, and loved. Try to set aside the guilt when you make decisions for your own well being (ie leaving her at daycare if you need a break) knowing that a happy mama is going to be a good mama for the long haul. You have years and years of mothering her ahead of you so you need to continue to nurture yourself when you can so you can sustain the long journey with her. It takes a village!! So take advantage of every person in her life who takes good care of her and continue to share the responsibility. Good luck and hugs to you!!
Thank you, Gg. I appreciate your words.
This reply is very nice but at the same time fills me with despair because none of it is remotely possible for me. It would be nice to have a "village…" or even one person who I could really trust.
Wow I'm glad I found this site. Sometimes, well always, I want to run from being a mother. I'd rather be at work than home with my daughter who is 9. I'm glad I didn't have more children.
I have a loving husband, I have an extended family support system who live near by, I have a good job.
I regret most days that I became pregnant. I thought it was what I wanted. I've had and been through postpartum depression including hospitalization.
She is different to other kids, but they can't find anything wrong. We've had assessment after assessment. She doesn't do too well at school but at the same time is fairly bright. I have trouble understanding her, she is very strong willed, as I am too.
Some people ask why I have only one child, and I answer that's all that was right for me. I don't have any more love for another child, but the truth is I don't have much love to give for this child.
I'm glad my daughter has others in her life that can provide her with the love that I can't – Her dad, both her grandmothers, and aunts.
I've never told her or anyone else my true feelings. My father told me he wish he didn't have me on more than one occasion which crushed me. Despite my feelings I never want her to know that I feel anything like that.
Thanks for listening. I'm glad to have this secret off my chest.
I was touched by what you wrote and wanted to write. I'm new here and this is my first comment. Thank you for your honesty. I can relate to much of what you wrote. I'm sorry your father said that to you, it sounds very painful. You sound very sensitive and it is great that your daughter has other people around her that can give her that love.
I'm glad my daughter has others in her life that can provide her with the love that I can't – Her dad, both her grandmothers, and aunts
You know… you really don't believe you are capable of loving your child…. because of your father…. and this strange legacy….. something is driving you to pass it on to your child. Do you ask yourself why?
I too have been feeling like becoming a mother was not the wisest of decisions, at times I feel my baby is better off with someone else but me but I know things will get easier. I know things have gotten better since he was born 5 months ago, as they grow they will be less needy, they can feed themselves, dress themselves, sleep the whole night etc. What we have to remember is our kids will grow! They won't be kids forever! They'll go to school and spend 8 hours there so mommies don't feel your life willk forever be how it is. I take one motherhood just as I take m past jobs I didn't like. I did my job, the best I could even if I didn't like it. I love my child, just not the feeling of being kind of a slave to a little child, to not making my own money, when your a mom you become second in your own life. I can't eat, sleep, shower, even go to the bathroom whenever I want, it's when my baby allows me too and hey when you've lived your entire life doing the basic things in life whenever you wanted it shocks you, annoys you just a little bit. I knew I didn't want to be the old woman with no kids or grankids to come visit. Ladies in 20 years when you have a grown daughter or son that says they love you, who call you or visit and talk about life, music, movies, you won't regret. Remember "this too shall pass" you might dislike being a stay @ home mom but when they go to school you can go back to school or work, stages are temporary and I'm not trying to make anyone mad, I suffer from insomnia so imagine no sleep and with baby all day, I've even thought of taking my life but thoughts like my son being my buddy and friend in a few yrs keeps me going cuz we got no other choice. Things happen for a r
Reason, and leave your kids with their dad's don't think oh he works he's tired, we are tired too and we didn't make the baby ourselves, just hop in the car and leave, maybe if they see what it takes they'll understand. We need our break, breaks mean happier mommies, happier mommies means happier children.
'I knew I didn't want to be the old woman with no kids or grankids to come visit.' Sorry but having kids is no guarantee that they will visit/ take care of you in old age. I see too many people whose children don't care a jot when they get to old age: they have their own lives and often move away. Having children for someone to look after you or visit you when you're old is perhaps the stupidist and least guaranteed reason to bring a person into this world.
I agree with Jessica. I know so many who have children and they are grown, their relationships are bad and one family I was close to growing up her children walk all over her and moved away and barely come to visit her. Though I think she is grateful she also has a lousy husband. Bless her soul.
One family which are my neighbors had two children and both of the kids moved across the country and barely see their elderly parents
Another one hd two grown children who don't even visit on Christmas.
"One family which are my neighbors had two children and both of the kids moved across the country and barely see their elderly parents
Another one hd two grown children who don't even visit on Christmas."
Sometimes there are very good reasons why people don't see their elderly parents. I for one was one of those kids (so were my 3 siblings) and it was because my mom was a terrible, narcissistic parent when we were kids. Just because she got old, does that make me have to owe it to her to go visit at Christmas? I think not! I know this is off topic of the original post, but I just wanted to point out that we don't know everything about our neighbors' family relationships and we don't have to continue on having relationships with our parents if we don't want to.
She was just giving examples of that not all kids have great relationships with their parents. That is all. She was going deep so no need. I agree with Lucy and Jessica. But just don't ha e kids unless you really want them.
If I was you, I'd get a vasectomy PRONTO. There's your solution.
Wow,I can't believe there are others that feel the same!
I too love my son more than anything but now that he's 2 and a half I can't help but feel that motherhood just 'ain't for me :(
The same routine routine everyday,the house work the crying ..it's just all too much.To top it off my son is VERY energetic and it's just so exhausting!!I cry on my own at night also…gone are the days where you had time to yourself..I feel like I have no identity..no voice..like a robot,I've had to put uni on hold,my body is just nit the same,I'm stuck at home all the time and even when I do go out with my son I come back even more stressed!!
My husband wants another but it's soooo not happening,I love my son but for now all I can do is try my best and gave faith that things will get better and that slowly I can finish uni and reach those goals and dreams I had before having a child.
Hang in there all,your all amazing mothers and you know it…we just have to pull through.
Good luck to all
Is it possible to convince a woman who wants to have children for all the wrong reasons to NOT have children? She wants to have children because God says so, because her parents are forcing her to give them grandkids and because all her friends are having them. Because she feels it will not be difficult and wants more love.
Well I'm the guy who's supposed to be the dad in this situation. I have done a lot of research on parenting and the CF lifestyle and I've decided that having kids just isn't wort it. But I don't want wife to leave me. Were together since high school. We shared first relationship, first kiss, breaking virginity and all that. We stuck together even though we went to college in different countries. Been together for 12 years, married for 3. She's my best friend and divorce is completely out of question! This is the first time we've had such a huge argument. For 12 years, we've been so perfect and now I feel like I'm being a total jerk to her. Should I just go ahead and have kids or should I risk losing my only best friend on this planet?
It's your life too so you have to go with your gut feeling. Yes children are gifts from God but it doesn't mean we all are meant to have them. Sometimes you are meant to just help a child that is not your own or whatever.
Just think you have kids for her though you don't want them. You will slowly start to resent it and that will be worse. Don't bring kids into the world unless you 100% want them! And I mean you have to it's not something you can close the door on. Your a parent forever.
You should talk to her and explain how stupid she is for wanting kids.
Have her come to this site and that might bring her back to reality on the "joys" of motherhood.
Unless she has a real desire to have children and knows the implications of having one and what she'll have to sacrifice, it's a no-go. She should absolutley not be doing it for anyone else or for God because ultimately, she will be left to bring up this baby. Your relationship (which sounds amazing btw) will be affected greatly, it's not a decision to be taken lightly. I agree with Jenny: have her visit this site and perhaps speak to people regarding the alternatives. It sounds like she's doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I don't mean to offend in any way but you guys were together for so long….did you guys not talk about having children before you wed?
If she is your 'best friend' and you don't want to lose her then you'll have to meet in the middle somehow,parenting is hard…and at times you do want to run out the house screaming but I think we can all agree that once you have that baby you'll also love like you've never loved before…dispite the difficulties…
It's kind of 'bitter sweet"…
DO NOT HAVE KIDS!!!!! She will regret it and so will you. Your lives will NEVER be the same… just show her this site.
Get snipped and never tell her.
I feel like you ladies do. I love my son so much, but i feel like i'm not the kind of mom i want to be by staying at home with him all the time. I want to work and add income to our family so i can take my son places. He is one year old and loves being out. Also, i think it's unfair that my husband can go have lunch out or bhang out a little after work and i can't do those things. My husband works very hard and always gives me money for things the baby needs but i HATE asking! It makes me feel like i'm a worthless person. He tries to listen to my feelings but just does not get. I feel so bad, it's so un-fair for my son to see him mom cry a lot.
I understand. Don't give up on looking for a job and finding time for yourself. It is still a struggle for me and I work, have a supporting partner, go out and do things with my children, but it is still so difficult and draining. I wish you the best of luck.
Yes, it is unfair and it's time for husband to start being a daddy so you can have some time to be a person. Listening to your feelings is not enough. It's time for you to lay out some expectations for your husband so you can have some you-time. If he won't agree, you need to decide whether or not you can put up with at least 17 more years of his selfish behavior. Being a good mom does not mean being with your children 24 hours a day. It means that you are happy, healthy, and have fulfilling relationships with your husband, your friends, and family. Build the life you want and if hubby doesn't want to be on-board, then cut him loose.
I have a 10 month old son. I love it some days and on others I can't stand it and I want to scream and cry. He was unexpected at a horribly inconvenient time in my life, i had a job, went out, slept in, dad and i were using birth control even…I suggested abortion the day I found out and he cried and begged me not to get one. now, I don't have nearly as many friends as I used to. I'm invited out all the time and I just can't go because I know his dad doesn't like "babysitting". Our relationship has been pulled and strained so much and we're on the brink of splitting. He works full time and I'm home full time. I've tried for months looking for a job and had no luck. Every time i put him down for a nap he flips out, no matter how gently I put him down. With everybody else though, he stays asleep. I'm so tired, and fed up. I just want to pull my hair out and break everything around me. i can't stand this.
Dad doesn't like babysitting? WTF? Why does that responsiblity then default to you. He's a parent and he's the one who persuaded you not to have an abortion. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. I don't see a lot of future for your relationship with him. Put your son down for a nap and walk away. Let him scream and cry and eventually he'll sleep. If you run in there every time he freaks out, then of course he'll continue doing it.
As for your man, split up with him immediately and get some friend/family advice and support with your son and in building your own life. Your man isn't worth all this.
It's not babysitting if it's YOUR kid, or if you're a stepparent. It's called a responsibility and it's your right to ask for him to take over once in a while so that you can get a break. You need it for your sanity. Sorry but that's a dick move on his part. I'm sorry you feel so alone and are having such a hard time getting some help :(
And on that, not everyone sees a pregnancy as gods gift. I am four months pregnant and know I've got a lot to learn. I'd prefer to have a lot to learn though, than to trick myself into believing I know it all. as a recovering catholic, I am furious with the concept of God, especially if all god does is limit the choices of women everywhere.
God doesn't limit it. Man does.
Well said, Lucy. Having faith in something is good. Man, on the other hand, is not so good…
Rose, you bigot, these are honest accounts. You just demonstrated the textbook example of shortsightedness!
Women like you would do well to speak to mothers outside the diminishing circles of church. Time is running out, old lady.
Must you insult all those who attend Church. You know not all of us are cruel and small-minded. I am child free and have no desire to have children and have been living with my boyfriend for 6 years. Trust me my relationship with God is not hurt by what any church goer says to me or whatever the world thinks with if i marry or have kids or on any other issue. Stop putting people in a box.
Ladies, I totally understand how you feel. I have 2 boys and currently pregnant. I love my kids more than life itself and will move heaven and earth for them. But there are times when I feel fed-up and frustrated.
Like some of you I am a stay at home mum, and feels like I'm at it 24/7. With all the housework, and taking care of the family I don't ever get time for myself to take a break.
My husband works hard and when's he at home he's tired. So it's just me and the kids most of the time. I don't have family or friends who I can trust to look after my kids so it can be hard at times.
Just because we feel frustrated, tired and fed-up doesn't mean we love our kids any less. And yes I do miss my days where I didn't have to care for anyone else but myself. I am thankful for my wonderful family but wish I could also have some freedom at times.
We just have to pray and ask God to help us cope during these difficult times.
Good luck to all of you and best wishes x
It is nice to know I am not the only woman who feels this way. I love my daughter with all my heart, but I just cant take being a mother to her! she is a sweet girl and very smart but she never listens to me and it drives me crazy! In the morning I find myself counting the hours to nap time then after nap time I am counting the hours to bedtime! I feel like i have lost my identity, Im no longer me im my husbands wife and my daughter's mother, I feel lost and ashamed to feel the way I do, at the end of the day I cry my eyes out because I wish I could just go back in time
I feel exactly like you do! I too love my daughter, but she is two and at this stage where everything is a battle. At times I feel like a "normal" mom and can enjoy time with her, but most of the time I'm pissed off because she doesn't listen, everything is "No" or "don't want it", I'm tired of the messes, the fits she throws, not having time for me. My hubs works a lot so that I can stay home with her and now I think about when I'm going back to work. The reason I still stay home is that child care is so expensive that most of the money that I would make would go to someone else taking care of her anyway, plus unemployment statistics are the highest where I live. I feel guilty for being in the position to be able to enjoy raising my kid, but truthfully, I don't enjoy it. I'm so glad I found this forum! It's good to know I'm not alone. I think I won't always feel this way, just now that she is a toddler. The bummer is I always wanted to be a mom and now that I am one, I feel like if I knew then what I know now, I would have done everything in my power to not get pregnant! I miss my old life, my body before, being able to do things without worrying about things like naptime, paying for sitters, taking her everywhere, not getting to be as social as I once was, my sex life. It feels selfish, but at the same time, I just can't help it. I am praying that when my daughter is older and can communicate better and understand things better that I won't hate being a mom. I think my real problem is that my hubby works so much that I am with her ALL THE TIME! It's just frustrating to never get a break much. I know I haven't said anything new here, it's just nice to vent. Thanks for listening and letting me get it out and know that you are truly not alone.
Although I love my girls more than words can say…I really do NOT enjoy being a mom. I run a business and I'm just much better at doing that. If I could afford a full-time nanny..I would so have one.
I just can't handle all of the girl drama and whining and complete NEEDINESS all the time. I do have an ADHD child which takes stress to a WHOLE new level.
I just do like being a mom at all. Glad I'm not alone.
I love my son so much, but I regret being a mother more than anything. I couldn't get over the disappointment when I found out I was pregnant, I was depressed my whole pregnancy. I love my child but I so desperately wish I could rewind time. I put him in a pile of his toys or in front of the television because it's all I can do, he is such a burden to me. He is so precious, too. The guilt is truly unbearable. He deserves so much better than me and my husband. I just wait for his nap to come all day. He is 15 months, I BF him at night still. The BF has done nothing to build a real bond. I so regret not going to school and focusing on a career! I hope he will turn out ok with a horrible mother like me.
iam moved by this. it hurts me soo much. please don't have anymore andalso know that it willl get easier
You are a good mother. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Find ways to take a break and a breather.
I am glad to read that I Am not alone. I love
My kids but I am exhausted and everyday is like groundhog day over and over again. I have to ask me husband for a couple hours here and there during the week to get away for a " break", thar means I get to go to the grocery store – whoo hoo, what a grand time that is. I miss my old life of independence but at the exact same time I can't imagine the wreck I would be if something happened to one or both of my kids – I just to death. So I just pray that this is an age thing they are 3 and 12 months. Things will get easier – travel, shopping, my life – when they get a little older.
i love that your getting a break is going to the grocery store, this rings true so much. My break is walking the dog or going upstairs to put the washing away. I get so fed up of the same thing day in day out. I have just enrolled in an evening coarse one day a week just so have a life outside of these 4 walls. I have a 5, 3 and 3 month old. 2 were planned. I love them all but i hate that having ,kids defines you, I hate that my job is being a mum, I want to be a real person too, why is my husbands job not being a dad? its so one sided.
And here I was, feeling like a horrible person for feeling the same way most of you do. I am so glad I am not alone! It doesn't help to vent to my husband, he doesn't understand. I was up crying most of the night, and I didn't know how I was going to make it through today. I am a 28 year old mother of 3. 5,4&,and 9 mo. I love my kids to death, and even though I didn't want kids and all of them were born on birth control, I can't just leave them hanging, but some days it feels like I do. My mother always told me that she regrets having ever met me and wishes that she would have never adopted me. When I had my first child, a beautiful baby boy, I felt like I belonged to someone for the first time. The whole way through my 2nd pregnancy (as horrible as it may sound) I prayed that God would not bring the child into this world. She deserved a better mom than me. I was surprised when I got pregnant a third time as I was told I could not have anymore kids due to complications in the 2nd pregnancy. I didn't ask for this and niether did they. I find myself tuning them out some days and resenting them for taking away who I was. I feel like I was reduced to a maid and I question my self-worth. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore. Everyday is the same. I am a SHM, and a full-time online student. No baby-sitter, and no alone time. I hate being a mom, but love my kids to death and I do not want them to feel like I felt all my life:unwanted. I am glad for everybody's advice and will do my best to show my kids the love they deserve. You guys have made me feel better, and helped me get through my day. More people need to be honest about their feelings as a mother. As long as we can vent here, I think it will prevent us from venting on our kids like some of our mothers have. They should have been able to vent on a site like this!!! Now I understand my mother's frustration. But still, I refuse to take it out on my kids like she took it out on me and my siblings. Best of luck to everybody. (My tubes are permanently tied: no more kids for sure)
I don't have or want kids. I was "lucky" enough to have a mother who was very honest about how much she hated being a parent. (I do not resent her for this) I took a good look around at parents and saw how their actions were so different from the words they spoke. They all looked so miserable! I always knew parenting wasn't for me.
I'm very grateful for sites like this (Someone on Fb posted it as a link) It tells the truth about parenting, and not the b.s. lies that are always shoved down our throat. Hopefully more people will find sites like this and think twice before parenting.
I'm also glad that it gives the parents a chance to vent and get out their frustrations. I'm glad parents can find other parents they can relate to who feel the same way they do. I'm glad there's a support group, even if for now, it's just online.
I also want to say that my heart goes out to all of you. My heart is breaking reading some of these posts. I actually have tears in my eyes! I hope that things get better for all of you. If I could invent a time machine, I would give all of you the first chance to use it. I hope all of you find peace and happiness.
And another thing–don't feed the Childfree trolls on here. They're not worth your time. If you're going to come here to be cruel, don't come here! There's no need to make people feel worse. It makes you look like an ugly human being.
I had my child at 18, i was young, smart, slim and had my whole life ahead of me.
I met a guy and fell in love, i was on the pill but fell pregnant, i wanted an abortion, my boyfriend told me if i had one he would leave me. So i kept our baby. HOW NIAVE… he never even treated me well and here i have given my life up for him.
I had our son my emergency c section, i nearly died a week later. My body looks like a bomb has hit it. Forget bikinis i can only wear baggy clothes.
I have my A levels and applied to uni, passed all entrance tests and was accepted. But i cant even go as we cannot afford childcare. My partner expects my to get a full time job so i can spend all my money on childcare and bills.
My dreams, my life, my freedom everything has been diminished.
I wouldnt like to leave a child without a mum, but i wish i could give him up or just end my own life.
Has anyone tried to speak to their partner about it?
My partner doesnt care and tells me to get over it.
I wish i didnt have a child and i wish i had never met my partner. He is the biggest mistake of my life.
well i had 3 dys without my son. and yes if i could take it back i would have never had a child. i love him like crazy but my freedom my life my everything just sucks right now
It's nice to find these comments and to know I am not alone. I would give my life for my children. But the consistency required to teach them and mother them is usually more than I can bring to the table. I feel like an utter failure . I fail them by being depressed and tired and they deserve better than me.
I think it's interesting how we always say "I would give my life for my child" and *legitimately* mean it, because in my mind I HAVE given up my old life for my child and had to rebuild into this new life that I just do not like. I accept it because I love my child, but if you honestly ask if I feel fulfilled in life I will say no. Having a child did not make my situation in life any better. Money is tight and it's a huge strain on everything. Maybe someday I will be fulfilled after I've gotten her all stable and raised, but to me this is an 18 year prison sentence. Trust me, when she has finally flown off on her own I am flying away from this loser who unfortunately is her father and spending the rest of my days on the road in an RV with a good dog…just the way it should have been. *sigh*
Think hard about having children, ladies who are on the fence. It's not for everyone. It's harder than what they'll tell you it is and you will never be the same person as you were, physically and emotionally. You are literally opening your body up and becoming more than one person for the rest of your life…as strange as it sounds, that is pregnancy and motherhood. Solitude becomes a luxury. You are no longer ever really alone, but ask yourself if that's really what you want.
You are not a failure! Keep being honest about your feelings and vent. That's what this is here for. You're not alone!
For all the moms here complaining. Fine, you don't want to be a mother. But don't EVER let your child see that. And I mean EVER. My mother has told me she wish she had got an abortion and I still don't forgive her to this very day.
I agree that the kids shouldn't feel or know or be told that you wished you had an abortion as that could ruin the kids life for good & really ruin the only relationship you have with your child.
I love my kids & it was very enjoyable when they were little but I hate going through the teen years. They are the most ungrateful & disrepectful ever.
Also I love my kids but I honestly wished I had not had them at the time I did & that I should have had an abortion at the time & my & their lives would have been better today, also I would have been able to go to University, enjoy my 20's & have fun , parties, travel, be able to enjoy being a young adult. Instead becoming a parent so young I lost all my 20's & lost whatever dreams I ever had because I just work my ass off to just feed them & clothe, & care for them, I never get to have fun, don't get to buy myself nice clothes, get my nails done, go out to get a beer or dancing with my girlfriends. Life seems like being a complete slave & no thanks or help. I envy single childfree adults at times. But If I had gone to University young , I could have given my kids SOOOOOO much more in life & more opportunities. Being a single mom is the most horrible thing any women has to go through. Actaully being a parent is hard & not enjoyable only sometimes. For what you give up in your life for your kid you don't really get that back. But such is life.
Thank you for that reminder. I think a lot of us logically 'know' not to say something like that to our kids, but it really makes it 'real' to read it from someone who has been hurt like that, so you might have just helped prevent some damage to other kids. Thank you. Although we feel like we made a big mistake (and it's true, we are all complaining, because it's theraputic), I don't think any of us would ever want to hurt our children. I don't know you and your mom at all and I'm sorry for your pain but it just might help to consider that your mom probably never had a website like this to vent or learn how hurtful that would be to you, and i I know it is so hard to believe but we really do love our children, and maybe your mom loves you desperately too and just hurt you very badly. Thank you.
Clearly no one has said they wished they had an abortion. Sorry that your mother feels that way. I think you and some of the posterswho reply similar to the way you did don't really understand the comments. Just because I hate being a mother doesn't mean I hate my child or don't want her. It just means the duties of motherhood are not my favorite and I miss my old life. I miss when my life also belonged to me. So once again I'm sorry your mother feels that way but I don't think that is what most the moms on here are saying.
that's why i say never let anyone force u into being a mom if that is not what u want.
Agreed. I'm so sorry your mum said that to you. The last time I saw my dad was 16 years ago when I was 11 and his last words were 'I've wasted 11 years of my life on you'. Those words have never stopped hurting me or causing me pain. My heart goes out to you.
Hey, Alonna.
So sorry you had to experience that. My mom said a similar thing to me… that if she lived her life all over again, she will not have kids. Ouch. That really hurts.
The thing is… now that I am a mom, I really do understand where she is coming from. Motherhood, to me, is both a blessing and a curse.
A blessing, because my heart swells with indescribable joy when my little boy runs to me, giggle, laughing, and tells me in his baby babble that he loves me… "Ai Ee Ee!"
A curse, because as tired, overwhelmed, and exhausting it is to be a mom, and I am not talking about physical exhaustion, but mental exhaustion… The constant thinking of him, his safety, his physical and emotional health, his development… Now THAT is exhausting…
I've never wanted to be a mom, but my hubby wanted one so bad… So, I gave in… Do I regret? Sometimes… But most of the times, I am glad to have given birth to the beautiful boy that is my son.
If I'm given a choice again, will I have a kid? Unfortunately, much as I would like to say no, I can't… He's been with me for 16 months, and I cannot imagine my life without him, even though there are many times I wish I am not a mom.
This is the dilemma and conundrum that I have as a mom. Do I feel bad about it? Absolutely not.
I love my son more than life itself, and I know that he knows it, inside and out. And that's all that matters.
Motherhood is tough… And it really sucks, especially in this modern society where we women have been exposed to so much more than being a childbearer and a childrearer.
That being said, I will try my best to consciously choose to enjoy being my son's mom everyday.
To all the moms out there who feels the same as me… hugs to you.
Things do not get better as "they" always say… But it does get easier as you get used to motherhood.
Easy doesn't mean it's better though… We just have to remember that.
I can see how hurt that would make you feel. I don't know how you are supposed to forgive her for saying that, but….for your own peace of mind it would be great for you if you could.
When you're 98 are you still going to hang on to this anger and take it to the grave with you?
How is not forgiving her working for you?
Is there any way you could see the value in your mother speaking something that was true for her? If she just said it to be mean then there's no excuse for that.
Your mother had some regrets. She's human. There are better ways to express it, but I'm guessing what she said was true.
Are you mad that she said it or mad that she felt it?
Alonna, get over yourself. Does it hurt to hear that your mother wished she'd had an abortion? Yes. Does that mean that it has to define your relationship with her for the rest of your lives? No. If you care about her and have a good relationship, then find some strength and joy in that. If you don't, then move on and find meaning and belonging elsewhere. You can't control her feelings, but you can control your attitude and response to them.
I agree Maat. We all say hurtful things to the people we love sometimes. While I don't mean to minimize the awfulness of telling your child you wished you'd had an abortion, perhaps it was said at a moment of extreme emotional duress. Being a mom feels like the hardest thing in the world sometimes, the stress can be so debilitating that it can break you. Some days I feel like I'm on the verge of shattering. I find it sad how many people can't forgive their parents for their mistakes. I was a pretty good kid but I'm certainly guilty of saying some very hurtful things to my mom when I was angry and she never held it against me so I can absolutely forgive her for her mistakes. Moms are not perfect and you only have one.
Yes I hear you all…I have only ONE child and feel like such a failure. She is 5 years old and I love her to death but the past few days have been extremely hard. She is sensitive to everything….the loud movie theatre, the hot sun she starts whining then she pushes buttons in front of people on purpose. Just finished crying…I never get a break she is allergic to pets and my whole family has them….I feel like whatever I do is bad and I can't think straight or do anything for myself anymore bc I am just so consumed by her neediness. At the end of the day all I want to do is just cry. I took her to the park today and I was wearing sunglasses and was so tired that I was just sitting there crying the whole time. I feel like I am in a jail and there is no way out of this. The thought of taking my life has crossed my mind but all I have the guts to do is just pretty much cry it out.
I'm so sorry you feel this way. What you wrote really touched me. I hope you can find some peace.
You are not alone. Please try to talk to someone and find time for yourself, so you can get a break. We all need that.
"Being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do?" How many times have you heard this line, and perhaps even used it yourself? It is. Absolutely. It is hard to wake up every morning and think, I know my day will be just the same as yesterday; dishes, laundry, diapers, bottles, THE CONSTANT crying and whining, oh not to mention I wont be "getting any", and everything else that comes along with parenthood. I have a three year old who I truly believe wants me to make sure I feel like I am a bad parent. I know it's not her intentions, but she does. I feel like I have failed her already. I live in the thoughts of: maybe I don't play with her enough, maybe I do get too angry with her, maybe it would be easier if I just gave her to my mother. I have never been ok with the idea of any mother giving up their child to grand parents-they've raised us, why would they want to do it all over again? But I tell ya lately it has crossed my mind. Not to mention we're expecting in a few months again with the diapers, bottles, etc. I haven't been able to really enjoy this pregnancy because I'm so set on the thought of being a bad mom. This website is so encouraging and to all of you parents-hang in there, I think we're going to be alright!
This is not directed at you specifically but your post just reminds me of the oh so obvious question: If you hate motherhood the first time around then why have more children? I can understand hating being a mother and I can be truly be sympathetic to all the women here. We all make life-changing decisions that we end up regreting, some bigger blunders than others. But repeating them simply doesn't make sense. I see women all the time that seem like there are ready to jump off the highest thing that they can find and end it all. They have one child and are regretfull, tired, sad and angry all the time. Then come up pregnant again and again. This is a mystery to me.
If it's so bad, why on earth are you pregnant again?!?!
Why did you get pregnant a second time if you've been so worried about being a good parent to the child you already have?
Chances are that you are doing a good job parenting. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Do you honestly expect sympathy for another pregnancy? These are choices you make. Learn to live with them.
This is so sad to read, how would all your children feel if they knew that you hated being their mom….be thankful for the gift that god has given you!! How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow and your Childs life was taken?? So sad….I feel bad for all your children
Don't be hard on the women who come here and vent. I am not a mother but I have seen through others how stressful it is and they should freely be able to express their feelings. Let them be.
My daughter is very loved and well taken care of. Just because I hate being a mother doesn't mean I hate my child. Don't feel
Sorry for my child. Your not in my shoes or anyone else's. Just your own. Go be critical elsewhere. Just because women have their dislikes about motherhood doesnt mean they are a bad parent. I love my daughter more than life. I would die with out her. But I miss my life my body my freedom my dam sanity. So please take your pity elsewhere. My child and these women's children dont need it. Thanks.
Thank you, Roses Comment hurt……….. I'm 22 with two little girls under the age of 1…I was going threw these posts to try and find some relief for how lost I'm feeling with this new life and body.
I feel so guilty when I wish I could go back in time and just breath without thinking about anything…… now I cant even use the washroom without my daughter and sleep without my newest addition next to me… every waking minute I am thinking about them and doing stuff for them and excepted to be happy….it's a hard life to get used to….. I feel like I'm a horse being broke and all I want to do is run and breath the air and freedom.
I'm waiting for it to get better, i know it will.. but right now it's hard not to feel alone and a little resentful towards the men who think being a mom is easy when they don't do shit or wake up every two hours, or nurse on and off for 4 hours, while another is destroying the house you just cleaned and crying for attention .
I want a vacation.
i could give you a high five for your comment. i feel the same way. I am a 26 yr old mother of five, and sometimes i can just scream because of the stuff i go through with being a wife and mom. my only freedom is school because that is the only time i don"t have them. my husband just doesnt understand help out because he will watch you struggle with the kids and ask hey honey could you do this and do that. I too dream of this freedom, but don't want to hurt anyone. thanks for sharing.
It's been said a million times on this post…but I will say it again, if these Mom's on here were BAD Mom's they just wouldn't give a sh*t. Clearly they do, and obviously they love and care for their kids…they are just fed up with being a slave to Mommyhood. And Wifehood. And well…just being treated like a slave.
I don't have kids but my husband was a fencesitter, so I started coming here to show him how hard it REALLY is to be a parent, and to clear up any tiny last niggling doubts I might have had as I am being HOUNDED to procreate by miserable but babied-up friends and family. (WTF?)
This site is wonderful for: Letting tired, stressed, freaked out Moms just vent for once and get it all out, and also for telling it like it is to those of us who were dubious about the whole "happy happy joy joy" parenting crap we childfree get spoonfed constantly.
It must take incredible strength and come from a very deep place to finally google "I hate being a Mom" to try to find some support from others who just might feel the same way.
My heart goes out to you frazzled Moms out there…don't let the buttheads on here take this outlet away from you…clearly they just don't get it.
THANK YOU Sept 9 anonymous! I appreciate every single word of your post. You succinctly summarized so much!
You are right-if we did NOT give a **** we would not be agonizing, wrestling, trying….to do this motherhood thing. The paradox of hating this role, grieving the loss of pre-kid life, yet somehow taking care of them every. single. day. and. night.
I was a fence-sitter too, and wish I had listened to my own brain, what I knew I wanted/did not want. More and more, I really think that the pull/desire to have children…the fear of regretting being childless/child-free…the "ticking biological clock"…..all of that is just hormones and our primitive survival instincts. Every living thing on Earth has the instinct to reproduce, to carry on the species…we have the same instincts.
May you continue to enjoy your child free life, regardless of the pressure and judgement you face because of your choices. Many others without kids have shared the same things about questioning/ pressure/ criticizm they face. Do NOT give in! Only YOU can make the choices that are right for YOU!
why. this is a site for people to vent how they feel. no every one is cut out to be a mom, but if the republicans get their antichoice way, this site really will be humming. respect that not everyone wants or needs kids to feel fulfilled or a womanly. i knew early on that i was not mother material and i stood my ground. and i am much happier having done so. i look at my friends who's children are grown, they thought they could retire, but the kids due to the econonmic downturn are trickling back home. many never wanted kids but they did what their families, spouses society said thedy should do. if u know early on that u are not mother material do not let anyone force u to be a mother
rose, get over yourself. We are more than allowed to vent our frustration.
Rose it's called being human and having feelings. No one is posting their names. So get off their backs for not being Donna Reed, sheesh!
Funny how you ended up here too, though, Rose. Something tells me you googled "hate being a mom" for a reason. Trying to make yourself feel better on us isn't going to work, because we're all still going to have miserable days (I am here today). Might as well share your story instead of hiding shame through sanctity.
I am glad there is a place for people to write about how they feel. Being a mom is tough and we need a place to vent and receive support. Rose, find another site to pass your judgments on and leave this one alone.
Please don't say stuff like "how would you feel if your child's life is taken away tomorrow?"
To me, just the fact that you had that thought sends shivers up my spine. No mother, even those who don't enjoy being a mom, wants anything to happen to their child.
I nearly lost my son this year, in March, to Influenza B, and a couple of other conditions that plague him as he was fighting the flu virus. I watched over him day and night then… I prayed fervently that if a life needs to be taken, let it be mine. And guess what, I will never wish such an event to happen to anyone… not even my own worst enemy. So, please refrain from saying this to any mom ever.
And that whole situation of almost losing my son still doesn't change the fact that motherhood sucks, and it is a whole lot of shit work.
Does not enjoying being a mom mean that I don't love my son? No, absolutely not. I love my son to death… and I will willing die for him. No one can dispute that fact.
And only when you are in the shoes of the people who are suffering from this conundrum and dilemma, then you will truly understand the agony of what we go through.
And until then, I suggest that people who feel that we shouldn't be complaining/venting to just live and let live. Let the moms who don't enjoy all the hard work that comes with motherhood vent, let us complain… because then we can go back to our kids with a saner mind, and love them with all we have.
This is a board for letting us write out our inner most frustrations, our innter most struggles… Let it be just that, and don't judge… For some day, there will come a day when you will be faced with a situation that you wish you were not judged.
Please don't get me wrong – I absolutely love my son – He's going on 3 wks old and has been up all night long for days now. I'm feeling so overwhelmed to the point that I regret becoming a Mom – not because I don't love my child – but because I feel inadequate as a mother. I have so little patience at 6:00 AM in the morning when he's been up since 11:00 PM and crying straight through. My husband is very supportive and provides as much help as he can but he works straight days and needs his sleep at night. I know that in time this will get better but there is nothing out there that can prepare you for what you go through with a newborn. I feel horrible feeling so frustrated and wishing I could go back to a time when it was just my husband and I. I even miss working. I think more so for the socialization. Even though I do see friends – it's different – this little man consumes my every thought. I'm afraid that I have post pardum depression – but as long as I get some sleep and eat properly I am in a sound mind. I'm really not sure what to do but talk about my feelings…
Yes…..absolutely. People need to shut up. You can Love your kids and still hate the overwhelming responsibility of being a Mom.
Rose, what a heartless post. Go away and post on a site called 'being a mom is full of rainbows and butterflies' if you think it's that great. Such distainful posts are not welcome on this site and I wonder how you got here in the first place.
I've heard that God works in mysterious ways. If she no longer had her child, that would also be a gift from God, would it not? If her children found out how she felt about being a mother, that would be a good thing if God is a god of truth.
If everything is a product of God's omnipotence, then this site and all the comments on it are here because of God's will.
Just guessing here. I would never be so presumptuous to think that I know what God is thinking….
Rose, Sounds like you belong to a very fundamental view here. I am a pastor's daughter, and a pastor's wife. I have the EXACT same feelings as everyone here. Just because we feel a certain way does not dictate our actions all of the time. Shoulds & shame have NO PLACE here, or in Christ's kingdom… He came because we NEED some help here. This is NOT easy, and Christ acknowledged it. I am thankful for an authentic place where I read & can post alike: My boys are lovely & wonderful & sweet, but I struggle every single day because I feel they'd all be better off without me, and, it'd be nice if my co-creator of these youngins (e.g. hubby) would actually get a taste of what abandonment & single parent hood feels like. Children are worth it, but it doesn't mean that we are to be taken advantage of, merely Donna Day doormats for our families.
You know, Rose, not every woman wakes up and dreams of being a mom, sacrificing her needs, dreams, ambitions for her child's. But we still do it! And fake a smile while doing it. This is a confession board for real feelings! Feelings we can't say in every day life because of judgemental ppl like you thinking we are bad or wrong for a feeling we have no control over!! So don't feel sorry for our children, women who feel like this DO NOT hate their children, But I can tell you we do hate feeling like this. And speaking of God, lets remember there's only one true judge and thats him! So check yourself and let my father do his job!
Don't feel bad for anyone but your self. Being a mother is hard work especially when you are doing it alone. I know because I am a military wife who is raising a toddler alone while hubby serves his country and the army. I wish I could turn back the hands of time too. I would not marry nor would I have a child.
I knew my mother hated being a mom. She made it as blunt as she could because she had no support and no way to vent. Found out much later in life that the first people who condemn women like the ones who post here should be the last. As for my kids dieing -I refused to pass on the pain by not having any. Things might have been different if my mother had a safe place to vent.
In a way,.what your saying is true..Its our fault for giving birth before we were ready…But some woman actually WANT kids, like I did. My story is a little diffrent as I dont hate being a mother. But what I do hate is being a stay at home mom. I can understand those who resent their children and husbands. I even do sometimes (a lot of the times). I have two children, a 5 year old with Aspbergers and a 2 year old with autism. Life is rough sometimes. And I would like for those who complain about their kids, to think of those whos kids are sick like mine. My kids will never leave home, will never have a normal life and I will never have grand children…what I did was talk to my Doctor. Drs are there to help yous, not judge yous. When I got feelings as if my life was ruened I made an apointment. He gave me medication to help with my misery and depression and now I realize that my two sick boys need a healthy mother so I helped myself..You can too. The next time u look at your child with feelings of hate, think of those who struggle just like you, but with kids who have major health problems like mine do…Now I hope u guys know that there are people like me, who are worst off than…think about it, and enjoy your kids because life is too short to dwell on your mistakes….wake up!!
if you hate being stay at home mom then why don't you go out and work.
What joy are you getting in complaining.
I know this post is years old, but in case even one person comes across it from now on, I wanted to respond: I am a 32-year old female Aspie. Aspergers is not a sickness, nor is autism, just to be clear. It's just a type of person. This is not me saying that rearing children on the spectrum is easy or simple, but we are not sick. We are just different; this is important to realize.
As for whether autistic children can be expected to leave home or live independently; it obviously depends. All the autistic people I know have been out and on their own like everyone else since early adulthood. I personally live with my fiance and dog, no kids, I earn my own money (I write YA novels), and I haven't been dependent on my mother or anyone since I moved out at age 19.
Just to let people know that autistic people are not sick, broken, or destined to be helpless or useless. We're just people, people.
It is possible to love your children but not love motherhood.
I have two wonderful gifts from God whom I love and make SURE they never suffer thanks to my personal emotions.
There are many selfish women who just leave and do not go through the battle of doing what is right while trying to establish some sense of self again.
I am glad there is a safe, anonymous place for mothers who feel like this and who are doing the right thing even when it is hard. Please let's keep it this way. If you do not share this feeling then this forum probably isn't for you anyway.
I'm sure the children would feel awful if they knew we felt this way. I know it broke my heart every time my mother tried to diagnose me with some mental disorder to justify why she hated dealing with me or when she'd call up my absentee father and scream at him that he needed to come "deal" with me (which he never did)…I got the message that neither of my parents wanted to be bothered with me. That being said- this website is here for people to vent their frustrations, breakdowns, and feelings of guilt over those same frustrations withOUT having to take them out on the kids. These women aren't cruel, they're honest with themselves, and the fact that they're not posting up real names should indicate to you that they WOULD NEVER WANT THEIR KIDS TO KNOW that sometimes they wish they weren't doing this motherhood thing. I believe in God and prayed to Him for my daughter. Then I had her and realized how hard this is. The dizzying moments of quiet horror when I realize that I no longer belong to myself but I am completely and entirely devoted to someone else who truly needs me are really hard to deal with…and it's hard to deal with alone…and it's hard to feel like a freak when you see everyone else seeming to enjoy motherhood so much. Sometimes I think I am a monster. I never beat my daughter though she frequently acts out and hits me, I rarely even raise my voice to her. I love her and spend every moment with her from the time she gets up in the morning until the time she goes to sleep at night (and then I spend most of the night with her, too!). I wouldn't want to live if my child was taken from me and I'm sure most of these women feel the same way. Like I'd have no purpose and there wouldn't be a point to go on if, God forbid, she was taken. But that's just it…you feel like "This is what I do now. I'm a mom and I belong to my kids. Wait, THIS is all I do?"
Don't feel bad for the kids. I'd be willing to bet they're all well-cared for and loved and getting what they need. It's the moms who aren't getting what they need. And it's so nice to know that I'm not a freak to feel like I wish I could take it back sometimes. Sometimes I think people who say they NEVER feel like this are liars.
I'm not a mother, but accidentally found this site when doing research for my Masters.
I felt I needed to comment.
To have 'down' moments doesn't make a bad person. Being a parent is one of the hardest things I've seen people go through. The fact its such a challenge means that, things arn't always going to be so rosey.
The mother in the post above doesn't mention that she wants her child to die, I think it's more about, she'd have rather postponed motherhood till she felt it was right for her.
It's sad to think that you believe people should be robots; not everyones going to feel the same about this situation. You may have your opinion, but I believe that this is the wrong place for you to post yours.
Wonderful gift from God? Lmfao really? If only god were a woman, then would this be considered a gift, I wonder. It's more like a curse from Satan.
That is fantastic. I quit my career and now at home mom – ten years into it. What a huge mistake. Never thought I would be a house marm getting dinner for the family, cleaning and helping with the homework GAG. Those women burned their bras for equality – and here I sit in this role. pathetic
you quit career because you wanted to.
Did a 1 month suckling baby talk to you to quit.
Who else are you gonna blame.
Rose, just stop it.
I am not a mom. I've always been uninterested in motherhood, barbie dolls, and nearly all things girly. My life choice to not have children is HEAVILY criticized. As if it's truly selfish to no be cut out for motherhood. It isn't. It's hard being a mom, and these posts remind me of why I don't want to have children and will continue to do everything to prevent that from happening. If my "man" says he'll leave me, FINE. I don't need someone in my life if they don't care enough about me to respect my very personal life decisions.
These women are brave. Why? Because even those whose suffer severe post pardum depression are often at risk of being treated like terrible people because they are human and feel over whelmed by the enormous task of permanently being responsible for another life form.
Wanna know about me? I am autistic woman. I'm proud to be autistic and I receive a shit load of flack for that too. People know nothing about autism(for example most autistic adults are high functioning and can't be told apart from peers) and yet they come up to me and say absolutely terrible things like, "But you aren't retarded", or, "Autistic people don't have souls". They really have said these things and much worse all because they didn't "get what I'm experiencing". I KNOW the pain of rejection because self absorbed assholes think they have the right to judge you, feeling like I should question if anyone feels what I feel, sees what I see, and that is why I can see these women eye to eye. They too, feel rejected, albeit for different reasons, we are ultimately very human.
If you are autistic n you write like that then no one knows any damn thing about autism.
am tempted to ask why you think you have autism.
Autistic people can be excellent writers.
I love you
Excellent post Evie. Btw, ignore Anon. He's been trolling here forever.
First of all, Rose, we're not saying we hate our kids, but we just long for the days that we were once single, without being tied down by our kid(s). Nothing wrong with that, my mom used to say it, and it doesn't change the fact that I know deep down inside she loves me. It's like it is always, them them them, but what about me and my needs? My needs never get fulfilled! I am always looking out for someone else, but I don't have anyone to look out for me!
Someone said it really well in the "I don't like being a parent forum" and I feel it really relates to this conversation so am reposting it here:
"A couple different things that need to be untangled from each other:
Whether or not you love your kid isn't really the central issue. Even if it was the central issue, there's no way anyone could MAKE you love your daughter even if you didn't love her. You can't just make yourself love someone you don't. You can't just make yourself enjoy something you don't enjoy. There's no need to defend yourself by saying you love them.
The people who think love by itself will make everything work out are living in a fairy tale.
Being a good parent is not the same thing as enjoying being a parent. Enjoying parenthood helps, but it's not necessary. There are lots of clueless people who get their kicks from being parents but are really sucky parents. Others don't really enjoy their kids but put in the grueling work out of a sense of responsibility.
Regret is not the end of the world. It's a feeling like any other — when you give it all the power, it takes over. Regret is nothing to be ashamed of. It's an honest, real feeling. But, that doesn't mean it has to rule your life for the rest of your life.
Being responsible for your children's welfare is not necessarily the same thing as raising them. Maybe the people who you hire to raise them will be better than you would be at raising them. Who says that the biological parents are always the best people to raise children?
You should be venting on this woman. She needs help. Not someone bashing her because she needs some advice.
I should have said Should NOT!!!!!!!
I am sure most if not all here saying they hate being a mom don't mean they hate it all the time. Just sometimes. Like right now my house is a disgusting mess and both my kids(1yr old and 4 month old) are screaming their heads off. One because she wants to play with pens and other things she can't have and the other cause she expects to be held 24/7 and is upset cause I laid her down after she fell asleep. I am feeling very overwhelmed, stressed, and depressed and I found my way here to realize I'm not alone. I love my kids more than anything, they are awesome. But days like today are very rough. Especially since I have never wanted to be a stay at home mom, I'd much rather work, but right now me staying home is what's best for my family…and some days it truly is like suffering regardless of how much I love my kids. No one can stay sane 24/7 365 with nothing but small kids to talk to all day, no way to leave the house, and no way to get anything done without tons and tons of screaming and fit throwing. It sucks. Sometimes I do feel like I hate my life right now, cause it gets so overwhelming and almost unbearable. Any mother who can't understand feeling that way sometimes is very very lucky.
Yes, it's so Christian to go online and judge others anonymously. Moron.
"This is so sad to read, how would all your children feel if they knew that you hated being their mom….be thankful for the gift that god has given you!! How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow and your Childs life was taken??"
They'd probably feel horrible.
And they don't need you and your patronizing attitude making it worse.
You don't know what any one of these women are going through. You don't know their lives. You don't know their dreams or their desires.
Further, calling motherhood "God's gift" isn't going to make it so and is just one more pathetic attempt at emotionally berating these women because they're not reacting to the role of "mother" in the way you think they should.
Until you have something helpful to say, maybe you should keep your fingers away from the keyboard.
This is what happens when society pressures women to become mothers!!! Being a parent should be completely voluntary decision, so why are women getting harrassed by friends, relatives, and in-laws to have children? I'm up front with everyone I meet about not wanting children because I want to make it abundantly clear. If someone wants to forgo parenthood, they should. These women are just victims of a pressured decision that wasn't fully thought out. Their children are victims as well.
Rose – my mother, aunt and grandmother never wanted to be mothers…they just didn't have the guts to say it. But men can walk away whenever they want!! If a woman does that there must be something wrong with her!!! GOD BLESS YOU!! SOOOO glad your life is perfect.
I agree. It's hard but children are gifts and try to think how you would feel if something happened to them. Be thankful their healthy and they love you and need you.
I knew i couldn't have been the only woman in the world who feels this way. I'm 51 and married with a 9 year old daughter and i love her so much. Sometimes i feel so overwhelmed trying to be a mom and wife. I really hate being a wife! I really do. I don't think i was cut out to be a wife, i can't even stand the word :"Wife" I don't like stuff like the PTA,baby showers,birthday parties, family reunions.I can't help it i'm just not cut out for that stuff. I take my daughter just about everywhere but those functions. Dad likes those things so he does those things with her. I'm more introverted and love to have time to be alone. Everyone is so needy around here. I'm sick of hearing every year from my husband "Happy Mothers Day, what's for dinner" My reply is "My foot up your ass" He is more needier than my daughter! Every time i sat down to take a break it starts. Have you seen my, what ever it is that there looking for. Or one of the dogs want a snack or the husband wants a snack. It's like dude " That's what mc Donalds is for". I just want to live long enough so that one day i can go on a cruise somewhere!I feel like such a odd ball. I wish i didn't feel this way then i wouldn't be such a complicated person to live with. But i only know how to be me. Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble on forever!
I feel exactly the same. I am more of an introverted person, I love time alone and didn't realize how much until I had a kid. I HATE the "mandatory get togethers", I hate watching other people's kids and I hate making small talk with their parents. I hate almost all of it.
You know it's interesting to see things from another perspective. I have a 3 month old beautiful baby girl whim I love to pieces; I wouldn't give her up for anything. But I have always been quite an independent career woman and never the domestic type-having a baby has made me feel trapped into a world I never wanted, full of laundry and cleaning and feeding…I miss my job and a life amongst adults-far from being an introvert,I miss time with my colleges and friends which I know I will not get back in the same way again. Everything I do has to take my darling baby into account first-the simplest tasks are so complicated. I do not regret having her and do love spending time with her but I do not enjoy being a mother-I never realised how hard it would be or how drastically things would change.
You just made me laugh…thank you for that. I am SO with you…wish I could say "my foot up your ass" to my husband but I don't think it would go over real well. :) He is always asking me where HIS stuff is…I usually just say, "it's probably wherever YOU left it." Why don't men keep track of their stuff? Argh. :)
Why not get a divorce and start building the life you want?
Dear "Not Liking It",
I read your story and found it so amusing and funny. I read it when I really needed a good laugh, because I too hate those damn PTA meetings and Mother's Day. LOL! I wish I could go back in time and NOT have children. There, I said it. I have a teenage son who makes my life an absolute living hell. He has been a difficult child since birth. He has been suspended from school over 20 times, talks back to his teachers, has been expelled from school, comes in late. He is a chronic liar, thinks he know everything, very manipulative and just damn disrespectful. I don't like him…period. Now, I am at a point where I am just buying time. He will be 18 in less than two years, and believe me, he will not be staying with me.
This website is awesome and I am sooo happy I found this. I am 22 years old and gave birth to my son this may. I got married last year in august and found out I was pregnant a couple weeks later. I did not want to keep it and wanted a abortion desperately. However my husband pressured me to keep the baby. Basically said keep the baby or I will leave you. I gave in because I loved him and don't believe in divorce. He left for the Marines this March. So he missed the birth and did not meet his son until he was a month old. I am in the US Air Force Reserves and worked full time alot on orders. I got the opportunity to travel some also. Now I feel like I have no options. I love my son to death but hate not having the freedom I once had. Just to think this time last summer I wasn't pregnant. I wish I could go back in time so bad. My husband is very supportive but right now he is in training away from home. I resent him because he gets to do whatever he wants once the work day is over. I'm so mad he left me to care for our son alone after I didn't want a child to begin with. I just went back to drilling once a month and felt like a walking zombie for those two days. I got barely any sleep so Idk how I will return to work full time. I barely have any friends and feel so isolated in the house. Some days I wish I had the guts to just shoot myself in the head. I would rather be dead than feel this way. But I don't want to leave my son motherless. So all I can do is cry every day.
I hope and pray you find some relief and get help with raising the child. I know your highly stressed and need help from others, I would ask around to see if any are many willing to watch the child for a few hours if you need it. I would look around and there should be many willing to help. I hope you find the help you need and also have strength to endure whatever else is before you. God Bless
i love it when men "pressure" their mates intomhaving a baby. if only men could get pregnant. u said you love him that's why u kept the pregnancy, but appaarently he didn't love u enpugh to respect your decision espec since u are the one with the major child care duties. i know u love your child but their is an old saying-why do i have to give up being me to be loved by.
soory about the typos but u get my drift
Hello. I know how you feel, try raising a child alone that you didnt want! My husband talked me into having a baby that I wanted to abort and now he is off doing his own thing. I have been on my own for alomost 2 years now with no money from him, plus we havent seen him for 1 1/2 years now. Im not sure what to do but I HATE IT!
Is there anyway you could put the chd up for adoption?
i totally feel you… and then you dont want to give ur chil dren up for adoption because you know that theyre your responsibility even if you dont want them. you know they didnt ask to be here so do what you have to do for them… but it still doesnt take away from the fact that i wish i could have my life back!
What a horrible situation, I really feel for you. Ultimately, you have to do what you want and never be pressurised into anything because you've been left holding the baby (literally). I feel for you and really hope your husband returns and shares the childcare with you.
You should go to the doctor, it sounds like you may have post partum depression. Because of the shift in hormones, you can feel very depressed and temporary medication can do WONDERS for someone with PPD. Good luck to you.
Ummm… I knew someone would label her as having PPD. She doesn't have PPD, as she felt this way PRIOR TO becoming a mother. What a dildo. Sorry, because I know exactly how she feels.
Jessica, well, she certainly may have PPD so she needs to help herself NOW. How can you say "She doesn't have PPD." How would you know?
Helping someone to realize that they may have PPD isn't a "cop out" in any way. She needs to get help and that may be in the form of medication and therapy at this point esp. to help with suicidal thoughts.
You seem to prefer to attack anyone who is a mother trying to give advice, and side stepping the fact that this woman is now a mother, she can't go back in time, and she is expressing trauma! I don't see you offering anything helpful to this young woman at all.
How the heck would you know, Jessica? You're the CF Jessica that likes to constantly post here and give empathy regarding the woes of parents and receives the reciprocal validation and encouragement to stay CF, right? Whatever, I don't understand your longevitiy on this thread at all. Your advice to 'hang in there' (not verbatim) is moot and empty because you essentially have no idea what its like to be a parent anyway! Nice, encouraging words but so what? More importantly, the woman above most *certainly* could be suffering from PPD- that's not some sort of 'cop out' advice. It's real advice and a real possibility. Wake up!: if you're depressed before kids you are certainly predisposed to PPD. But again, how the heck would you know? So don't shoot down completely viable advice in such an emphatic, judgemental tone and perhaps instead spend your time researching PPD if you really want to be helpful on this site or – here's a thought- go on a CF board and encourage those on the fence, something to which you can speak to. Not us!
I'm 26 and I feel the exact same way. I have two children, both un-planned. I'm married and stay at home. I'm completely socially isolated, we only have one car, hubby works an hour away 6 days a wk so you can imagine, I feel like a prisoner to my own home and family. I'll admit i often fantasize about running away or faking my own death. Where are my materinal instincts? I feel abnormal for feeling this way. I too, cry everyday. I'm so lonely for adult interaction and friendship. I'm not living the life I want, but if i followed my selfish needs, I would in-turn break 3 ppl's hearts. I don't know what to do, I'm out of options. I pray alot, doesn't help tho.
Is there a way that you can make getting some transportation a priority? Not only would it be great for you to get out and about, but also for your kids. Having some social interaction and being able to develop a support/friends network is critical for any mom.
You're not alone. Hang in there!
Does it help to know that you are not alone?
Can you find playground for your kids so you can be around other women? Perhaps you could find something on meetups.com that would be close by. I always wonder why women don't help each other more but that's another topic for another day.
God I feel just the way you do with the same situation. 2 kids at home, a husband who works, one car- hate feeling this way. Makes me feel like an even worse mother. But it is either I just want to sleep forever or get sleep or just not wake up!!!
I really feel your pain. I am in a very similar situation. I just had my first child at 35, and I have been wondering just what I was thinking when I decided to have a child. I NEVER wanted a child. EVER. Most of my friends and people my age are already grandparents, so many days I'm sad that I am just starting and they are moving forward with their lives. I too have thought about leaving it all…I often wonder if I have the guts to do it. You are not abnormal or weird for feeling this way. I think if you had more independence you may feel a little better. You are not alone. I wish I lived near you. I would provide comfort to you and give you a needed break so that you could do some things you want to do. Keep praying. I'm sending love and peace your direction.
this stay at home thing has to go.
every other woman is using it to justify their mediocre co dependent existence
Exactly what is in your life without your husband and children?
I'm so happy to have found this site too! Isn't it nice to know you're not the only one? Sometimes when I'm walking around with my daughter at the zoo and see all the other mothers with their stair-stepper kids, like 3 or 4 kids right in a row and a baby on the way I think "what's wrong with me? why can't I do it like her?" I wonder why I feel so sad and depressed all the time. My daughter is beautiful and wonderful, smart and fun…but she's the ONLY thing in my life. I'm a single mom and I won't complain about that, actually I'd rather do this by myself than also have to handle her biological father and all of his baggage. He's not involved with us at all, haven't even gotten a phone call from him since her first birthday and my feeling is "with a father like that who needs a father?" I'm all she needs and more than enough. I'm a great mom and super patient and she's a VERY involved child. Not much independent play or anything like that…it's pretty much complete interface from her waking moment until I have to rock her to sleep every night for an hour! Then she's awake during the night too, like every 90 minutes she comes to get me. I, too, feel like I can't handle it. I feel like I'm being completely suffocated and there's no way out. I understand loving your children but hating this motherhood gig! It's incredible. I feel terrified when I realize how much of myself is left to me…none, absolutely none at all. It's crazy! I get up with her in the morning and struggle with her over eating a good breakfast, I play with her and then struggle with her to get dressed, then we battle to get into the carseat, and I drop her off to daycare, where we struggle with one another there! I go to work and pick her up and battle over eating dinner (and it's completely mystifying when the daycare lady tells me what a total delight she was, how she ate her lunch, cleaned up her toys and went down for her nap without so much as a sneeze!), then the bedtime (the most completely horrifying moments of my day) begins…and goes on for 2 1/2 hours sometimes. I cry and ask God to help me. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Then I have to go to bed because I know I'll need the energy for the next day…because she'll be waking me up all night long too. When she puts her little arms around me and tells me how much she loves me I'm dying inside because I think about what a horrible person I am for hating this. How can I hate it when she's so beautiful and sweet? I feel like going to work is my only break and I can't imagine if I was a stay-at-home mom (which I was for her first year and a half so I know what that's like, too). I'm so sorry for all the tears you shed and your feelings of helplessness. I know what it's like. Hang in there!
I feel the exact same way!! How do you rid yourself of the guilt that you feel for hating being a mom? I never wanted a child, but now I have one. How do I accept that I am? Will this feeling ever go away or will I always resent this? It's terrifying to think that this could be a life long feeling! How do we deal with it really? I feel suffocated too. I had a fulfilling life before my son was born, now all I do is evolved around him. It seems so boring and one dimensional. My son's father isn't with us right now. He doesn't understand how hard it is to ONLY deal with him and ONLY him! He calls me selfish, but all I do is give every ounce of energy have to making sure my son is provided for. Now I'm starting to resent both of them and I am scared of the feeling. Maybe they would be better off without me, cause I'm starting to get angry all the time. I'm scared of this feeling and I don't know how to deal with it! I'm scared of damaging my son with my shitty attitude….anyway, that's my rant thanks.
Have you tried ignoring it? My son for a while would hold his bowel movements. I could tell that he needed to go. He would say that he needed to go. So of course I would get mad it him when he didn't, it would escalate with me yelling at him and threatening to take away toys/cartoons. Finally I just started ignoring it and let him hold it. That's when he started going on time, when he needed to.
Hey… you're not a horrible person. Atleast you don't have five little brats to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to pieces, but I, like you, wish I wasn't a mother either. I wish I never got married, and I wish I had the freedom that I had before I had all these little ungrateful rugrats. And on top of that, people judging my every move, and mistake that I make. Atleast you have someone supportive of you, yet is far away, though. My husband doesn't support my damn feelings at all. I am about to just say f*** it all, you can have the kids, but in my heart, I don't wanna walk out of them out of guilt, knowing they need me too. I am so unhappy being a mom, though!
I have battled with feeling like I do not want my children from the moment my first daughter was born. Every single day is a massive struggle for me. I find myself unable to cope with my girls and I manage by booking them into expensive child care settings / and offloading them to family whenever possible. The very minute I get them back I want them gone again and I am contemplating putting myself into a clinic of some sort whilst I get my head right. I want the kids to be taken into Foster Care until I feel like I can actually enjoy them and not dread having to look after them. I have absolutely no maternal instincts what so ever and even when the kids are hurt I find myself going through the motions without actually caring about them much. I have to remind myself to kiss them good night because this is not natural to me. I find interaction with them virtually impossible and I will take them out all of the time to avoid it. That way they can amuse themselves. I am seeing a therapist about this because I also have 2 step children and I have come to absolutely hate my step son and my marriage is dangling on by a thread. I have been told that I have suffered post natal depression that was undiagnosed. My oldest daughter also had autism and fed into my pre existing issues. Have been feeling really angry and suicidal as I don't want to loose my husband but my behaviour is pushing him away. Feel like I am beyond help.
My god…i thought i was conpletely alone. Im pretty sure I have no maternal instincts either. Your story sounds identical to mine. Im pretty sure i havent really loved ny daughter since before day one. Thank you fot sharing this…i dont feel so alone now.
Oh honey. I'm so sorry you feel that way. I am 22 years old as well and have a one-year-old. Luckily, I have a husband who helps out a lot and who lets me nap and have some "me" time. But I 100% understand because there are some days where I have little to no sleep and my son behaves horribly. Those are days I just don't enjoy being a mom, though I love my son unconditionally. I am a Christian and that helps me get through the hard times. I know that the Christian walk has never been about me but is about being sacrificial. Being a mom is a beautiful (and hard!) calling.
But, I also know you need to take care of yourself to take care of your children. Don't feel guilty about getting a babysitter once and a while. Go out and spend some time with YOU. It works wonders.
I will say a prayer for you today even though I don't even know your name. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.
I can feel your pain. I also have a son. He is almost 8 months old. I love him sooo much, but I hate being a Mom. I sometimes wish I could just give him to someone that will be a good mom to him. Everyone says that i'm doing a good job, but I just don't feel it. My husband wanted another baby (he has one from his first marriage) so I agreed. If I would have known how hard it was, I would have NEVER done it. Now he is living his life like nothing has changed and I am at home cooking, cleaning, and taking care of my son. I only get out twice a week for and hour to go to dance class. I lost pretty much all of my friends (they don't understand what's it like to be a parent). Its nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hope that you get some time to yourself. Maybe a friend can watch the baby for you so that you can get out. Also, talk to your doctor maybe he can help. I don't have insurance and I don't qualify for assistance. Good luck and God Bless
I am soo happy to have come across this site. Reading your story makes me feel good to know I am not alone. I have been with my husband for 11 yrs, we have been married for 2 years. I NEVER wanted children. As long as we have known each other we both expressed that we did not want children. A year into our marriage he started expressing his desire to have one. I brushed it off for a while and finally decided to have a baby. I knew something was wrong with me when I never felt that "pregnancy bond" :( I feel soooooo guilty for the way I feel. My son is now 4 weeks old and I am consumed with thoughts of what my life USED to be opposed to enjoying my new life as a mom. Some nights I jus wanna get in my car and drive away and never come back! I HATE feeling this way! I love my son but miss the life with my husband soooooo bad! We had such a fun and free relationship and I feel lke we will NEVER have that again! :( The only thing that is getting me through right now is deep prayer and blogs like this. I pray things get better for you!
I completely relate!!!
i hope you get the help you need, my son is five, and i still feel the way you do i just stopped cutting myself, i use to want to just die everyday then i felt bad for feeling that way. i keep saying every year will get better as he gets older but its worse every year. i have to stop myself from thinking about the what ifs or i will go crazy. i wish i could say it gets better but for me it never does. i just keep thinking i was never meant to be a mom, but god doesnt make mistakes so im just waiting to see what he has in store for us.
As a retired war veteran, I know that you have the best medicine available on this planet. You earned it! USE IT!!!
You need it. Go check into the Base Hospital and get this taken care of, NOW! You will be better for it, and immediate family, and the military "family" will appreciate it!
Whatever you do, does intimately affect ALL of us who are part of the military family, or, are parents or grandparents!
Best wishes to you, and your wonderful family in all things! My prayers go out for you!
Hi everyone, I just came back to read some of the new posts since leaving my coomment before. Things are not any better (not that I thought they would be)…I cry almost every day when I leave work, knowing that I have to go home to more of this. I too have the utmost sympathy and respect for all of you that are SAHM's…I was miserable through most of my maternity leave and was counting the days until I could go back to work. I used to look forward to the weekends…now I look forward to Monday. What a change. I don't know how I'm going to make it through 18 years of this. I don't want to do to my child what the parents of mm and Jane did to them. Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this better in any way? Is there anything that helps you cope?
I haven't found a solution. I grab my moments of peace (and they are few and far between) when I can, and daydream of that day when my daughter MOVES OUT!!! And try very hard NOT to think about the fact that I will be in my mid-forties, if I'm still alive. I mean, I even dread the possibility of grandchildren, and having them thrust upon me in my later years. A stiff cocktail on my days off take the edge off a bit, and I am a bit more patient with my daughter and willing to look for the bright side in all of this, but it is a very temporary solution and not practical in the long run. I stay at work long enough to where I'm pretty sure by daughter has already been bathed, fed, and is in bed, and on those particular occasions when my husband is a little late with her nighttime routine and I walk in the house filthy, hot and exhausted and find her still running around with messy hair and stained clothes from a day of playing in the dirt it ruins my whole night and I'm sure the distaste and disappointment is evident on my face. I DREAD her birthday and Christmastime because of the hoops I am expected to jump through- I feel very uncomfortable around other parents and children and I know my daughter looks forward to parties and cake and friends and whatever, and I am loathe to disappoint her, but I literally have nightmares about these occassions and have anxiety attacks prior to any of these miserable events. And when she comes out of her room with a bratty, teary face after a nap and lays on my husband and he baby-talks to her and rubs her back it makes me want to PUKE. She has started to get into a habit of lying, and sometimes I relish the fact that she is misbehaving so I have an excuse to send her to her room. God, I feel awful about this, but how can we help how we FEEL??? Please, let me know if you or ANYONE has found a way to cope! I'm thinking maybe prescription medication??? But then I couldn't do my job. I'm at a loss… I have basically conceded to the fact that I will be unhappy for most of the next 14 years. Unhappy, stressed out, and constantly JUDGED.
I am at work and holding in the tears. I just found this website, it swarmed me with emotions and I feel like I can't type fast enough. I feel like so many of you. I LOVE my son. He is so wonderful. So obviously, you know what I mean, I wouldn't go back now. But if I had never even had the chance to meet him 2 years ago, but could have a "trial run" at being a parent, I would not have. I work and it does not help when I come home and he wants the babysitter more than me. I just turned 36 and I a so depressed about that. I feel so much younger. I feel trapped as well.
I hate working my ass off and never being able to spend it on myself, the kids always need something. The few thing I do buy for myself, the kids tear up. I really wished I would have never gptton pregnant.
As I read these posts it almost as if im reading a diary of mine from 2 years ago! When my son was born I fell into a deep deppression he was an adorable but miserable baby who cried.constantly! I never showered slept ate or for that matter sat down! So 2 years later what did I do? had another one of course! After the birth of my daughter the depression got worse! Id fight just to get out bed! I hated myself and hated being a mother! But then I made a big.decison that changed my life I started to demand getting my needs met 2! I saw a theripist who put me on medication, started showering every other day even if the kids screamed, and made sure I ate 3 meals a day!.fast foward 2 years later! And my outlook us brand new! As.i type this my two lids 2and 4 are happily playing in there sandboxes,while im tanning next to them! Omg how I thought this day would never come! Sure I still have day when I say ok which child am I going to sell on e bay or whete.the hell did my body go? But they are gettting to be less and less! The only advice I can give to u all especially moms with babies is iy willl get better in time u will eat shower and sleep again u r normal for hating life rigjt now,but in time ull start to sew glimpses of ur former self shine through! And in time im sure ull say as.i do now that despite all the bs it is worth it!
Hi all, My ex girlfriend of 2 years really wanted kids, and her mother was relentless to be a nan, I'm 22 and when ever kids were mentioned I got really nervous cause I knew deep down I didn't want them, but I kept saying "when I'm older" just to smooth things over, and I tell you now, if anyone is currently doing this to keep the peace, DONT! you end up digging yourself a massive hole, I climed out and confessed that I didn't want any, just before the hole got too deep!
My ex got very angry, her mum disappointed, but I had a big weight lifted off my shoulders that id been carrying for nearly 2 years.
Very good advice. I agree that this is the kind of thing you have to be honest about as soon as it becomes clear that your partner's preferences are different than your own. No matter how long you've been together or how much you love each other… if you don't agree on wanting kids, then you are incompatible!
Congrats for knowing what YOU want in life and not being pressured to go down a path you do not want, especially something that changes your whole entire life! May YOU continue to make the choices that are right for YOU!
Thank you all so much for being so honest and sharing your stories. I don't have any kids but am on the fence. I hear such glowing reports from friends that I wonder what I'm missing. At the same time, there is a little piece of me that knows it's not the right thing for me. So I thank you for being so forthright. I think I would ultimately regret having them.
I was just reading the new issue of Scientific American and one of the first articles is called, "The Myths of Joyful Parenting". It discusses how parents convince themselves that parenting is "emotionally rewarding" in order to justify the financial burdens etc. It's an interesting read.
I am so glad I found this thread. It is such a relief to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
My question now is, how does everyone DEAL with this on a daily basis? Do you put on a front for your kids/spouse? Or do you let your misery show? I find that I go back and forth…sometimes I can't even be bothered to be a good mother which makes me hate myself more. At least on the days I pretend, I rest assured knowing that my kids aren't suffering from my own unhappiness.
My story is this. I had my first child with my boyfriend of five years (now husband of almost 4 years) when I was 21. Quickly got pregnant less than a year later with our second child. Three months after he was born, I got pregnant a third time. The first and second pregnancy I could have guessed. We eventually wanted to have kids so when I got pregnant the first time, we weren't trying but weren't preventing it, either. We loved her so much we wanted to quickly have another, hopefully a boy. And that's what we got. But the third pregnancy hit me like a punch in the stomach. I remember thinking, "this is it. This is the end of my life." I had a vision of my husband and I a year down the line, broke and struggling to raise 3 kids, living paycheck to paycheck. I knew any quality time I could have with my 2 existing children was going to suffer tremendously. I knew my sanity was going to go out the window. I knew that this was the straw that was going to break the camel's back. I knew I was going to have to cancel a long-awaited vacation we had planned for later that year and timed so that the kids would be decent ages to leave with my mother-in-law. And I was right on all counts.
My youngest is now 18 months. It's been over a year since I gave birth or was pregnant. This is the longest I've gone in the last 4 years without being pregnant! (because I had an IUD placed as soon as my doctor allowed after #3 was born). And not a day goes by that I haven't been depressed. Or felt alone. Or felt like I have made a HUGE mistake by having kids back to back to back…or felt like I will never get to be the person I might have been in another lifetime, a person with her own thoughts and dreams and goals, who might have accomplished those goals. I know it's my fault; no one forced me to get pregnant; I know all about the birds and the bees. I brought this in myself. But that doesn't ease any of the pain I feel. It just keeps me from really confiding in anyone for fear of judgment.
I don't know why, but it's gotten worse these last few months…to the point where my misery is so encompassing it's all I can think about. Sometimes the sadness weighs so heavily on me it's physically challenging to do simple day to day things. It's all I can do to get through my work day (I have a full time job) followed by picking the kids up at the sitters, feeding them dinner, giving them baths (my least favorite time of the day!! Ugh, bathtime = torture), going through the bedtime rituals and then, enjoying an hour to myself during which I eat junk food and watch crap TV before passing out on the couch and having to force myself to go upstairs to bed. Such quality me time.
I've always had suicidal thoughts, but it seems like more and more lately my suicidal fantasies take up so much of my time. One night last month I went home and put the kids to bed and thought, "tonight is the night." And obviously I didn't do it…but I was so consumed by my own depression that I couldn't see going on another day. It's the only thing I can think of doing that will put an end to my pain.
Sometimes it's all I can do to keep from breaking down crying. Even if I'm at work. Even if I'm in line at the store. I just want to cry. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. No excitement, no happiness, nothing except the endless cycle of laundry, housework, baths, naps, mealtimes followed immediately by cleanup & dish washing, breaking up fights, comforting someone who's crying, picking up toys, watching Power Rangers/Dora/Shrek/some other torturous cartoon…over and over again. I even have to relinquish my cell phone constantly, my one link to the outside world (so it seems) because my daughter knows how to work the Netflix app and wants to watch a movie "on your phone!!!" (much more exciting than watching a movie on the regular TV I guess).
This past Saturday the kids were sitting at the table eating lunch and I went into the kitchen to start washing the dishes, and less than 2 minutes later I walk back into the dining room and my son has thrown every single chip from his plate to the floor…ugh…I just lost it. I thought, what is wrong with this kid? All it takes is something like that and I'm back on the path to feeling like my life sucks, I want to die, etc.
I think it's so ironic that these kids I was excited to have are pretty much killing me. They are sucking the life right out of me. I've turned into a hostile robot who has two functions: parenting and sleeping. And you can guess which of those functions gets used more.
I don't know who I am anymore. It's been so long since I got to indulge a hobby that I don't really know what I like to do. I know that sounds weird to say but if you were to give me a day of free time I would probably spend it doing laundry, vacuuming, mopping, because that's what I've been "programmed" to do. I'm not a 26-year-old woman in her own right. I haven't been someone in my own right since my first daughter was born almost 4 years ago. I don't really know myself anymore.
I wish someone had told me this was going to happen. How I'd give ANYTHING to go back and take my time having children, if I decided to have them at all. I see people with no children, or only one child and I'm filled with jealousy. At least with one child you can take them with you to places. Spend quality time without being pulled in two other directions by the other kids. Send them to the grandparent's for an evening. But with 3 kids instead of one, and doing everything on my own (my husband goes to school full time and works part time so he's hardly home), it's chipping away at me. My act of "everything's fine here!" has gotten half-assed due to pure exhaustion, and I don't know how much longer I can keep even that up.
I never thought of myself as ever being someone who could possibly leave their kids. But I fantasize about escaping one day, about going off and living my own life. I wish sometimes that I DIDN'T love my kids, because then it would be easy to be selfish and leave them. But I am tied to them by love, even if the life we live together is miserable.
Well that's all from me for now. All I can say is thank you to everyone for sharing their story on here. It means so much to me, someone who looks in the mirror from day to day and feels like they should be dead, or genuinely has no idea sometimes how to even get through the day…I will think of the other people on this board and know that I'm not alone.
I'm so moved by your story that nearly brought me to tears. I hope you'll have the patience to wait for when they grow. You'll have the time to do anything you want by that time… but for now, I hope you can find peace inside you, I would really love to give you a hug now, help you with your kids… I'm sorry that this is happening to you, I really hope your kids will appreciate your efforts and they will give you back all the support that you need when they get older. *Hugs*
Hi wanna-die-sometimes,
I know this is a couple months old, but how are you doing? Your post really saddened me. Are there no moms in your area with whom you could exchange sitting services for? Of course, I guess that'd be tougher…if you're already struggling with yours, you may not want to be bothered with somebody else's. But it might be worth the tradeoff if she can take yours for a few hours each week.
I sooooo wish that I could help. Though I adore kids to pieces, I have no bio kids, only a 13 y-o SS from hubby's first marriage. But it's stories like yours that keep me running back to get my sisters' children whenever I can…or having them drop them off. Both are divorced mothers and I see how tough their struggle is (one has young twins). It's a delight for me to take them off their hands for a few days so that the mommies can 'regroup.' I'm going to pray that God will send somebody loving and trustworthy in your path to help you on the tough days. ((((((BIG HUGS!))))))
I can't believe I found this site. Amazing. This is a huge social problem! Women are sick of being stuck with all the scutwork while men get to 'babysit' when they feel like it and get lauded like heroes when they do.
Let's face it, watching kids day in and day out is tiresome, messy, loud and often thankless. If you had a fun time as a single…..i.e. dating, attractive to the opposite sex, perhaps very social in college and successful at a career….the losses that accompany motherhood, especially stay at home moms, are rough. Who wouldn't like to be sexy, coveted, rewarded? It's really hard to go from that to frump, spat on, unwashed and foggy from 'mommy brain'. You go from having lively days out with the girls to lame convoy about rashes and poop with other moms on the playground. And you wonder, Who is this nanny/slave I've become? Because while your child love you, for.many years they don't get that you are a PER
This is how a friend of mine felt. She called being a parent a thankless job, said she felt like a terrible mom and that her boyfriend was great with their son. I had to point out to her that he is away from the kid every day, all day and she is with him 24/7 of course hes going to be less stressed. He comes home and plays, she has to deal with all of the crap.
I'm 38 and I don't want kids. I'm glad I stuck to my gut feelings regarding children. Motherhood is definitely not for me. I don't even want to get married.
Thank you all for your posts. I am glad I am not the only one feeling this way. Like many of you, I love my child – she is super smart, witty and funny. I just hate being a mom. I miss the days where I got up, worked out, went to work and came home to a quiet peaceful house. Now I wake up to someone slapping and kicking me in the face yelling out my name constantly. Why cant she just go away?? Why is clinging to me every second of the day?
Why did I decide to have this child? The pregnancy was unplanned, and I didnt even know I was pregnant until about two months in. When I told her dad, he said he was excited and that he would be there. He ultimately disappeared, and I dealt with my pregnancy all by myself. It wasnt until about after a month after her birth that he started to get involved. I gave him another shot and we moved in together. Another mistake – I did everything including getting up at night, feeding her, changing diapers, on top of all the household chores, going to work and pursuing my graduate degree. I felt like I was raising two kids. So I left him. Fast forward one year, and he has since then done a complete 360 – he stopped drinking, much more helpful and is a wonderful dad to our daughter. But I am still upset about all the previous stuff that I will not take him back. So in essence, I am still a single parent.
I didnt sign up for this. I envy my childless friends and wish I could go back and do it over – I would not have gone this route. I want to talk to a therapist. Everyday I am filled with regret, and I feel so bad that I take my anger and frustrations out on my daughter who does not deserves this at all. I just want to overcome this and feel normal again. I want to love doing this as so many other moms do. I want to cherish these moments and want us to be the best of friends. Not blame her for ruining my life.
I do know that I will never have any kids again and I feel bad for the next man who walks into my life wanting kids becuase it will never happen!
i am so happy i am not the only person who feels this way. I have two small boys (3mths old & 17 mths old) and i am a single mother (not by choice). i am so fed up. i cry all day, every day. i am so depressed. i love the hell out of my kids, but i just wish i thought it out more before i decided to have them. especially by a deadbeat father! i wish i could take it all back sometimes. i know that is wrong to say, but its how i feel right now. i change diapers, make bottles, clean up messes, cook, clean, and chase after babies all damn day. im all alone and i have NO FRIENDS! i am in the house with my kids every single day. i never get a break. i can never get a babysitter. not even to go to my doctors appointments! i have to drag two crying fussy spoiled babies everywhere i go. i feel like my life is so unfair. i swear it makes me so depressed i just dont know how im going to go on. i am not a teenager (im 25) but i still feel like my life is pretty much over. i keep telling myself that it will get better… but WILL IT? will things ever really change for me? i highly doubt it. i made this bed, and even tho i didnt do it myself i gotta lie down in it! sucks to be me!! i HATE MY LIFE!
Wow… I don't feel quite so alone and EVIL anymore. I am the mother of a beautiful, funny, intelligent 4 1/2 yr old, and I can't STAND being around her for mor than 5 minutes! I was a stay-at-home mom for the first 5 months, MISERABLE, and have been working since. I work long hours (70/wk) and am blessed to have a husband that LOVES being a stay-at-home dad (even though she goes to daycare Mon-Fri.)They have bonded closely, and he has no problem getting "on her level," playing silly (stupid?) games and calling each other made-up names, etc., etc. I have never been able to identify with this type of behavior (even as a child myself) and expect my daughter to act and REACT as an adult would. She never EVER shuts her mouth (if she is awake she is TALKING) and she is my polar opposite in terms of personality (I was always a tomboy, and work in a male-dominated field after a tour in the military and she is ALL GIRL. Princess this, princess that, pink pink pink, puppies and rainbows, UGH!) Having a child is the worst regret of my life, and while I would take a bullet for her and insist on her having "all of the best," I can't help but constantly daydream of life without the crippling burden that is motherhood (and her father actually does 90% of the "mothering") and wistfully reminiscing about the times when I could go on weekend trips on a whim, or sleep until 2pm on a Saturday, or smoke cigarettes in the house because it was, well, MY HOUSE. And worst of all, the Catch 22 here is that if something bad ever happened to her it would ruin my life and I would never be the same. Ahh! Nice to get that off of my chest. Thanks :)
I love your post! Thank you for helping me to not feel as EVIL as well. Only a parent in our position could understand loving our kid(s) that much and regretting the decision to have them just as much.
Im happy to see that I am not the only one in the world that lovrs thier children but hate being a stay at home mom. I resent my husband for making me choose the family (him and our two daugthers) over the military. I loved being in the Army but was forced out because I had no support to stay in. Now I'm a miserable stay at home mom 8 months pregnant with our 3rd child. Will I ever get to do anything for myself? My husband thinks Im selfish for feeling this way but he has a social life outside and is still in the military and going to college. I had to stop going because he said my degree wouldn't pay as much as his and I dont have enough income anymore to pay for child care. I really do hate my life. I pray that it will get better but it makes me sad to think before I can finish college and find a job I like I'll be in my late 30's fighting for entry jobs younger adults are trying to get. I really do feel trap and I feel bad at times for not wanting to get out of bed when I hear my kids cry in the morning. I just need time for myself but nobody seems to undrstand that.
It CAN get better. I assume the third is ur last, right? :) If so, then u hav a few years ahead of u to get into the routine of caring for multiples but I advise u NOT to forget about college. When they r old enough or if u can afford it, put them in daycare and start school. You'll feel better. Since u r a veteran u should hav benefits to cover (most?) of ur college expenses. And even if u r older when u graduate, employers cannot descriminate on the basis of age and again, u r a veteran. This is well respected on a resume. Plus, 30 something isn't that much older. :) u wil hav a lot of experiences to bring to the table that a 21 y/o straight out of college can't even fathom. Hang in there. I disagree with PPs who say it does NOT get easier as they get older. In my experience it does. But everyone's situation is different – how u take charge of the situation/ your attitude towards the various challenges at different ages can make a huge difference. For YOU!
You can divorce your husband? Other than the fact that you continue to have children (probably also because of your husband) ….
YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!! He gets to keep his career and life while you do not! HE is selfish for not sacrificing something in his own life.
I am happy with my decision.. I am never going to have a baby.. Kids are not for me. I can enjoy my life. I´m 34 now and my life has never been better.. :) A childfree life.. Can´t get any better than this. :)
Really? U seem to find joy in gloating about ur decision at 5 in the morning. Don't u hav anything better to do at that hour, like sleep in, cuddle with your SO, or work out? I think any CFers that just come to this site to gloat r in some way trying to get affirmation for their decisions and/or are highly insecure. Be an adult at age 34 and at least say something empathetic to the PARENTS on this thread (for whom it is intended), otherwise, stop trolling it and go on a CF site where u can all sing and dance b self rightious in ur own company, and support folks who are on the fence seeking advice in the proper forum. BTW despite the venting, there are wonderful things about having children but that is NOT what this site is for. And the positives and joys are something that YOU will never get to enjoy in ur lifetime.To sign off, similar to ur insensitive, elementary way: "I'm a parent and I know true pain, strength and true love and have and always will come out the other side. :) I feel closer to understanding the human condition and I don't bash CFers for their choices. Live and let live. Gotta love it!!:)"
Couldn't have said it better myself!!!! Excellent response!
I agree to some extent. I am CF and I wouldn't gloat about being so happy with my decision on such a forum. For a start, my decision is one that I am personally happy with but other people seem to deride and that causes me sadness, which is why I initially came to this site, to find out if what everyone was telling me about how having children is the best thing known to man was true, I wanted to experience another side of the coin. I think your post is a tad insensitive. By all means, be happy about being CF but do you really think this is the place to gloat about it? Where mothers who are struggling are exposing motherhood for what it is and how difficult it can be? Please don't give CF people a bad name, we're already called a dozen and one things from selfish to unnatural and 'rude' is not one I would relish adding to that list.
I highly doubt that shes intending to sound self-righteous. I think the push back is for all of the people in previous comments shaming and criticizing people that are child-free.
Do not listen to the other person who responded to you, they should not be here. You are not gloating, you are helping someone from making the most enormous mistake, like I have made. Just wish I'd seen this site and something like your post before I made my mistake. Congrats and enjoy your life and keep posting!
What a selfish thing to say, missdk. While you're at it, why not visit an orphanage and tell all the children how great it is to have a nice home and loving parents, or how about dropping by a domestic violence shelter and brag to all the women about how fabulous it is to have a husband who doesn't beat you, or maybe you could even swing by the cancer center and boast to all the patients how wonderful it is to be healthy. I am completely disgusted by your disrespect and ignorance. Have some common courtesy for @!%$ sake.
thanks hps! Your examples are great!-I actually laughed, not at the sad situations you highlighted, but at how ridiculous you made the same type thing sound to different people!
Some CF people here are very helpful, some are not!
I agree with Nina. You come to a website where you can clearly see women and men who are struggling with their roles and parents and make it sound as if you're so chipper. Congratulations on not having children, but it makes me sick to think you get some sort of pleasure out of other peoples hardships. I'd really hate to deal with you on a daily basis.
i am SOOOOOOOOO glad that someone made this thread. Maybe it will save people who are thinking of having a baby from making the most horrendous mistake of their lives. i get disgusted because so many of my friends and family pressured me into having a baby, saying "oh just have a baby it will end all your problems!". i am 25, I got married right after i finished college and started an amazing career….everyone was like "have a baby have a baby" including my mom and all of our older family members and friends. i wish i could go back in time and SLAP them in the faces. they didn't tell me that my life would END. i love my daughter because she is a precious innocent being, so i do everything for her and treat her like a princess BUT…ME? there is no more "ME" when u have a baby…I haven't slept in almost a year now, sufferng from severe dleep deprivation because of a "colicy" baby who is now almost 9 months and STILL wakes up every 2 hours!!!! i am exhausted with dark bags under my eyes and i NEVER get to spend time alone with my husband any more….forget about travelling together any more….and i never get to go ANYWHERE by myself any more….i used to enjoy running by the beach in the morning, going to the book store/coffee shop, reading, going to the beach after work with my hubby, going out for dinner dates or even for drinks on weekdays with friends or hubby….now its like we are in a PRSION! me and my hubby love each other so much but we are falling apart because we no longer can do anything TOGETHER if one of us wants to do something we have to take turns watching the crying baby!!!! i havent seen a movie or done ANYTHING in about 7 months….its all about this crying screaming spoiled baby… no matter what u do to make them happy u cannot! babies cannot do ANYTHING by themselves not even BREATHE, so u have to be catering to them every second of every day…and all i hear all day is this little brat crying her head off for no reason…i dance for her, play with her, take her for walks and drives, feed her all kinds of different good foods….its like im a 24 hour SLAVE…when she finally falls asleep its like THANK GOD..and then 1 hour later she is awake crying again!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! she's over 20 lbs and i still have to carry her around all day and i actually tore my right bicep…OH and another thing, i hardly gained any weight during preganncy and so now that she's 9 months i am even skinnier than my pre-pregnancy weight, so thats not my problem BUT i have developed these disgusting man arms with big nasty muscles from having to carry this needy baby everywhere every second!!! so now my body looks unprportional like someone who lifts weights obsessively. oh and another thing people dont tell u–its virtually IMPOSSIBLE to find childcare. i wanted to go back to work but the only childcare we could find for a baby under a year old is 1200 a month!!!!!! thats more than my college tuition was!!! having a baby was the most horrendously disgusting experience of my life and anyone who says otherwise is a LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you so so so much for being so upfront and honest. I am in the situation you were once in: at an age when I'm thinking about marriage and everyone keeps saying kids are precious, will solve all problems blah blah blah. Luckily, I know otherwise because of this site. (And also, isn't 'this will solve all your problems' something that heroin dealers say when dishing out drugs?!) I am so very sorry that you are having a difficult time and hope it improves for you, and soon. But once again, thank you for your honesty. I'm copying and pasting your post into a word doc so I can look back on it whenever I feel pressurised xx
you are welcome Jssica and thank you for your support! yes, don't ever give in to the pressure! don't let people tell you that it will answer your problems. society and our families try to mislead us to believe its some amazingly enlightening experience to have a kid when in reality all it is, is jlike having a 24-hour torturous job that you hate but are forced to do.
not ONE part of raising a baby is fun or rewarding. people will tell you its rewarding and worth it when you see your child grow, these people are in denial….yea sure, its rewarding until they start crying/screaming their head off at you like a maniac at 3 in the morning and nothing will get them to stop… and you haven't slept in months and are so tird you could fall over! there are times when i almost fell down the stairs at 2 a.m. getting my daughter a bottle to try to get her back to sleep because i was so tired/over-worked/sleep deprived! THAT is the reality! the lies of society are just unbelievable! i won't lie to anyone who askss me what its like to have a kid. i will tell everyone that i meet the pure truth. no one deserves to be lied to and misled!
Just want to say again how much I admire you for telling the truth. I wish I knew you in real life so I could give you a hug and offer some help. It's the parents who gloat on about how having a child is the most wonderful, humbling experience that I find very hard to have compassion for. Parents like you, who struggle and are not ashamed to admit it, are in short supply. Thank you again xx
you are waking up to your reality.
Now do the best you can for yourself and for your child.
unfortunately you cant rewind the clock.
No but she can SURE HELP OTHERS TO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE!
I should be happy. According to my mother, "there are women that are not as fortunate as you to be able to stay home and enjoy their children." THAT IS SUCH Bull Sh*t! They choose to work. They would rather work than wake up to changing daipers, cooking, cleaning, entertaining them. I feel bad saying that the best part of my day is when they go to sleep (if they go to sleep.) I am educated and I can choose to work also. I worked before my girls were born and working is so much easier than being a full time mom. At least you can eat lunch in peace and have quiet time throughout the day. But I stuggle with my guilt. What if my mother is right and I miss out on these baby years and I regret because I was selfish? She went back to work a month after all of her children were born because she said she had to (financially.) All I know is that I had a fun life before kids. I traveled, ate out, dressed up to go out and now…all I do is live through reality TV if I don't fall asleep 1st. How depressing.
From experience: I did not have to got back to work full time, but after 18 months as a stay at home mom of twins, I chose to. Do it. Trust me, i cant believe im doing this. I actually don't believe in what I'm doing – meaning, if i'd expected to work full time and put my kids in 40 hour a week daycare, i NEVER would have done this. YES, I feel guilty – thanks to these kids I think I'll have some form of guilt every day for the rest of my life. But let me tell you, they are so happy in "school", and my husband doesn't come home to me in a sobbing heap on the floor between two toddlers watching their 50millionth repeat of Caillou. And I just saw a report on working moms that says there is not detriment shown to young children whose moms work outside the home. Additionally the mothers are far less depressed. I'm so glad I went back to my six figure job (which I immediately quit with no plans to ever go back) before I was out of the market too long. My best friend who owns her own search firm, tells me now she didn't have the heart to tell me how she feared I was losing my skills and marketability. So glad i went back, it's just the lesser of two evils. So sad. Love my kids. Hate my life.
2 years of this and i do it because i have too. if i could go back in time 3 yrs i would . He deserves a mom that actually wants him . I love him deep down after a very long day i kiss him goodnight and i really do love him.
I have to be a good mom , at the end of the day its an i have too not an i want to.
Hang in there, you will make it. My first born had colic and wouldn't sleep for more than an hour each night. Thought I'd kill myself, I was so lonely and overwhelmed. My husband told me it was my job now that I was a SAHM. Then I gave him an ultimatum–be a better father and husband or I would leave. Luckily he did a 180. I have since had another baby. Still do not have anyone to help by day but have learned to enjoy the small things in life. Take it one day at a time. It does get better, I swear.
As I sit here in my once overly adorned pillowed king size bed..rocking my 11 week old baby girl to sleep. I google "I love my daughter but hate being a mother" and poof here this pops up. To my amazement I am not alone. I truly thought I must of missed the "mom gene" cause honestly everyday as I care for my baby I day dream of the life I once lived. I sit at my shore house on the weekends and look out to my old tanning chairs that are screaming my name. But then I look down and see the distorted striped belly that jiggles with hatred. No…no laying out for me. :( or when all I want is to
Just shower with out rushing and can't help but think…hmmm I use to take 2 hours to get dressed. I was once a beautiful well educated girl who had lots of friends and shiny fast car and a hand full of guys in a contact list to call o days when I felt ewwy! Now my day begins and somehow in only 1 short year I am a fat jiggly woman with no makeup wait no shower. What's make up? Sigh….:( my once perfect body has abandoned me. Where did I go?? Somehow in the midst of it all I got lost?, or discarded?? I love my daughter she's beautiful and she's my soul but I use to love me I use to enjoy me. And the truth is I just miss me. God…one more dirty bottle to
Wash one more dirty diaper to change one more toilet to clean or dinner to cook…alil more of me just washes away. And to top it off I also now have 3 unruly annoying step children to care for. One year 4 kids. I just want a bottle of oil my old bikini body a pair of head phones and a us weekly magazine…put me on a beach in the peace and quiet and then I'll smile. No one ever told me that the minute she was born that who I was would die? Parenthood is a sham. Yes we love our children. Would most of us go to the end of the earth for them? OF COURSE!! but at the end of the day that doesn't change the fact that there is a dirty unshowered exhausted worn out sad resentful mother standing in her house crying inside for just one more taste of what life used to be…hmmmmm….gotta go the baby is crying…….. :(
You are right. It's a sham and we have all been lied too, either out of malice/manipulation or just people being numb/dumb/brainwashed. But you know what? Our moms did not have the Internet at our age. They could have never googled anything, because there was no google. Just think how many women we are going to help with sites like these. I honestly feel it's a major revolution that we are right in the middle of. We're going to help so many people cope who've had kids they shouldn't have, and we have the opportunity to speak HONESTLY with our kids some day and NEVER pressure them into having kids or giving us "grandchildren" – ugh!!!!! I get so angry when I think of how many women in my family who KNOW me could have saved me from this – but didn't – or – "couldn't" because they didn't have the words or thought it was taboo. Let's end that. Let's be the LAST generation who let's their kids be totally bamboozled. You can be totally in love with your kids, as I am, but hate your life and be in absolute MOURNING for everything that children take away (steal) from your lives.
Despondent-I have thought the same thing about the many generations of women before us who could never, ever have any voice or support in this whole motherhood thing!
And I pray that this is a major revolution & change. I hope that the decision to be child-free and to honestly say that motherhood is just too hard and sucks all of your life out of you, becomes common knowledge and practice…accepted without judgement or criticizm.
I am honest with fellow parents and the child-free…some people have looked at me with criticizm…so what, I don't care. But I do struggle with how to be honest with my children when they get older, without hurting them or ruining our relationship. I just want them to know the truth and hopefully make decisions based on what THEY want for THEMSELVES.
I really think that OB/GYN offices should have information readily available (from several sources) that shows how much happier people are who never had children!! And, rather than 95% parent/baby magazines, how about some magazines about travel, music, food/wine, recreation, finances…..anything to have a more balanced view of the world, and to show all you will loose if you have a child?
DailyGrind, I love your wish that there could be just ONE printed magazine on newsstands that celebrated the childfree life or the joys of parenting just ONE child without guilt.
I totally agree that too many women (and men too, of course) have been pressured into parenthood without being given ALL the facts of the many hardships it involves. As a result, there are so many unhappy moms and dads now who wish they had never had kids to begin with. A print magazine that talked about all adults would lose after they had even one child could help many folks decide that parenthood is NOT for them and not feel guilty about it. However, there are a few childfree forums online, and for anyone who is either ambivalent or undecided, I would suggest getting BOTH sides of the story. Too many people are only given ONE side (all the "rewards" and NONE of the hardships), and that has gone on for much too long.
I have two beautiful, smart, funny girls, ages 7 and 9. Both babies were not planned with my husband, but he convinced me that "it was going to be great!" Fast forward 5 years later, and he kills himself unexpectedly to everyone (nervous breakdown). So, I have picked up the pieces and have gone forward (4 years later). But, here I am with these two lovely, but selfish, bickering, will not take care of their things, self-centered little people. ANd it drives me bonkers! I never wanted any kiddos – I never wanted to lose my husband that I never wanted to marry in the first place – I never wanted to be the sole provider, an ONLY parent. Worst nightmare sometimes, I swear. It's sweet when they are sweet and get along. But, as they are getting older, I feel like my job of being this bitch of a mother has intensified. Their peers seem not to respect anyone, as culture has become this child-centered, economically driven machine.
I think sometimes of putting them in a boarding school, so I can work and get things done in my life, rather than dealing with the tasking detail of minutia that captures none of my interest whatsoever.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I'm so, so sorry about what you have been through, my heart goes out to you. As if life and parenthood weren't difficult enough. I agree with everything you say: culture nowadays is very child-centric: the family unit sells. It annoys the hell out of me because the Kodak-perfect family is a myth but few people are willing to tell the truth. Thanks for being one of them.
Thank you for your post. My heart goes out to you.
Put them in boarding school if you need to, it can be a good thing for both you and your girls. My parents sent me to one and it was better for everyone. There are some great boarding schools out there with grants and scholarships available. If you decide to go that route, make it sound like a great opportunity for them. Even though I resented my parents at the time for sending me, it turned out to be the best experience and gave my parents a break from 2 rambunctious teenage daughters.
Let me add my voice to the chorus of regret here. Let's hope all of you with little ones actually get them to move out when they turn 18. Mine is 19, still at home, unmotivated, clueless. Between me, his school counselors (when he was in HS) and a professional therapist, no one has gotten through to him. I am at the end of my rope and his wipe of a father doesn't give a poop.
Sorry I ment to say "I have no outlet
I hate being a mom,I hate feeling so ugly I don't look nothing like the way I use to before I had a baby my life sucks no one wants to talk to me because I complain about needind a break,I feel so disincouraged these days that I don't have the energy or drive to do anything . I feel like if I had some sort of life I'd be a happy mom but I feel like a slave that got pregnant by the master and I have no way out. When I do make my bf change a diaper or fix a bottle I don't feel relaxed because he fuse and calls me names it's always a fight when he has to help out facebook is the only form of a social life I have but it makes me depressed because I feel like other moms are happy going to work, finding a babysitter so they can have a drink and have no outlet . I love my baby and the baby I'm haveing now , but I hate my boreing homebound lifestyle .
This just in: i'm currently on a business trip, my spouse let me know that our almost 2 year old daughter is very feverish and sick. I am returning home tomorrow so let the fun times begin. Trip to the doctor, battle to give her the medicine, difficult nights of sleep, constant irritability, etc. Woo freakin hoo. And that's not counting us probably getting sick too afterwards.
Ah the joys of being a parent. I know it's not her fault, i don't blame her. But i still have to do the parent thing and pretend that I'm cool, in control, and supportive .. When all i want to do is run and scream and get my life back.
There's always something with young kids, always that pressure, that weight on my shoulders, whether it's illness, or tantrums, or busy schedules, etc. I can no longer take this, this is unbearable and inhumane. I want to press "pause" on parenthood and unpause whenever I can take some more, then pause again. But I guess this is called single parent with shared custody .. Not sure that this is a better way to go.
Ommmgg thank u for the opportunity to vent (as I watch my ds attempt to climb out the window) this is the worse decision I could have ever made I thought my life was bland..I was a home body and 24 n engaged so y not right? Wrong f*-+$/& wrong. He is the best baby so sweet n an absolutely gorgeous but so time consuming so demanding and needy. I feel like I no longer exist im 26 an I no longer exist wtf. All I do is wake to the same fu—— routine everyday. I can't get shit done for myself no help unless I pay. My darling man works on call so I am basically a single mom cause when he is home he is a zombie. I find myself starring at the time praying for 8pm BEDTIME! !!!That's the highlight of my days. My man wonders y I am so anxious to go to a bar or just to the movies…he doesn't understand the freedom of being able to walk outside without a baby bag n stroller. I can't even wear heels n e more cause I look like an idiot stillettos baby bag baby on hip.
Its gotten so bad that I find myself just allowing my sweet ds to take over I watch him run back n forth up n down n I just let it be im so tired n annoyed I just wanna fade. Talk about a time machine I prayed for one. My body was great purky boons great ass and the dlatest tummy now I have this kangaroo pouch that has taken over my identity n self esteem. Its just a horrible situation. Im praying for intervention. Not to mention as I read above..the constant worries of autism or special needs because of its recent rise. Im always google'n n worring…praying and watching im obcessed. I do love him n wouldn't want a thing to be wrong with him or ever happen to him he is so beautiful….but becoming a mother has only allowed me to see 1st hand that im not a baby person at all. Keep ur head up ..as I prop mine up daily.
I hate being a mom now.I loved being a mom to my infant daughter but now that she is a toddler I hate it. It all went downhill when she was walking at 10 months. All I say is "no!" she always getting into something she shouldn't breaking a putting things in her mouth. I can't stand the constant wining she does. I can't relax at all. I'm ready to pull my hair out and I cry everyday. This is not how my life was supposed to be. Being a mom is not magical. I have a college education that is being wasted while I'm here stuck in a house I hate with a child who is always crying. I can't get anything done because she is a constant shadow behind me. It is so hard because I love her very much I just don't love being a mom.
I am a 22 year old woman. I feel like I'm 95. Literally never any energy, strength or will power. I am 100% drained. I feel like I am bleeding and losing blood from the inside hence always being a zombie. It takes such effort and resolve just to drag myself to the park with my daughter. She never leaves me alone for one second even on the toilet, she's there, when I need to get something done on the laptop she's there, she clings, I just want to sit for a moment, no not allowed, running around after her, cleaning up her shit, having shoes thrown at me, the constant screaming. No peace ever! I'd swap with my partner anyday. At least he gets to leave the house by himself, have a peaceful walk to and from work by himself, an hours lunch by himself. Do I get that? No! The stress is making me ill!
Don't you HATE how they cannot leave you alone for one single second? I am constantly running (no exaggeration) from one room to another just to get some shit done. This is why my house is in such disarray, because I cannot accomplish ANYTHING with them around. I feel like a circus clown who's always setting them up with some stupid damn toy or tv show then RUNNING to the kitchen to try and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher before the twins run in there and ruin the whole pathetic effort. I HATE THIS. It's not cute, it doesn't make me giggle and say "oh well, some day I'll look back on this and laugh" and I most certainly NEVER say thiis pathetic mind-numbing phrase that we've all been subjected to our whole lives: "but they're worth it. It goes by so fast.". BULL!!! They are not 'worth it' and each day is the longest day of my life.
Amen to that sister! Feeling like a circus clown is a perfect description. As a matter of fact, I even look like one most of the time, considering I don't have time to match my damn clothes and they're usually covered in formula, poo or vomit if not all three. If I ever have makeup on it is half-assed from crying or being applied in the dark or the car and I might as well just throw a clown wig on top of this mess on my head since I don't have any @*#&%! time to do that either. Dammit all!!!
I haven't had a break in a long time.My daughter is demanding,combative and difficult.Doesn't eat,drink,listen,go to the bathroom,watch TV or breathe for more than a few seconds at a time without throwing a tantrum.Her behavior is depressing.I love my husband and he helps when he can,but I feel lonely and stuck.How he expects me to tolerate her antics all day everyday with no break and still be upbeat,looking good and in the mood every night is truly beyond me.I'm tired,irritated,annoyed,sleepy and jealous of his freedom,yet hold my emotions inside most of the time for the greater good of my relationship.If only he knew how draining it is for me to deal with that constant screaming and whining everyday while attempting to mop,clean the bathroom,give her a bath,grocery shop,wash dishes,cook,do laundry etc.,right before I can take a quick shower and comb my hair so I atleast look decent when he gets home.Let's not forget straightening up the living room,picking up those damn toys for the 20th time and finally,forcing a smile on my face so he can have some time to relax in a clean,drama-free home.Where's my relaxing?Men and society have deemed me undeserving because I don't earn a paycheck. Lately I find myself crying over the most subtle things.As a mom,you put your life and goals on the backburner for the greater benefit of your family.And right now,at this moment,I resent it.I didn't always feel like this,so these feelings,like my daughters rebellious behavior shall pass.I hope so.Nice to see I'm not alone.
Thank GOD for this site! I challenged depo's "in your system for up to a year" guarantee and ended up with 2 kids under 2. KILL ME NOW. I'm so sick of my husband, who's lost his job but not actively searching for a new one, acting like it's my job to take care of everyone! I dropped out of school to have my 1st, and I'm not going back because of my 2nd. I resent them for it. I love them, but I do NOT love being their mother. (which apparently doesn't make sense to anyone I know. "Motherhood is such a wonderful blessing!" STFU.) Even now my oldest is destroying our dining room, throwing coasters on the ground and climbing on the table. I didn't sign up for this… I wished seriously hard to have 1 of each, and now that I do I want to give them back. Sorry, God, I didn't know what I was asking for. Can I retract my birthday wishes? Ugh, I'm so done with the mess, the screaming, the sleepless nights, the same kids' movies on repeat all day, and complete lack of "me" time. Why didn't I stop at one??? I'm about to call my doctor and change my IUD appointment to getting my tubes tied… behind my husband's back. I have such bad PPD that I smoke pot to deal (Prozac makes me psycho). I don't want to do this anymore. Where's the "Chicken Exit"?
I really hope and pray that all the women who have posted on the site will find some kind of peace and find help throughout their struggles. I am child free and life can be stressful enough and I highly respect you'll who do it without help and have the courage to vent. I must appauld you. I wish more people were honest about motherhood and marriage also. I highly recommend this site to those I know on the fence. I will be praying for each of you to find the courage and strength and find joy again and to just not feel so crushed by all the work being piled on top of you because of your children and also everything else in your life.
Blessings in Christ
Thank you for your support and kind words. I wanted to draw attention to ur post to show how dramatically different it is from the posts from some other CFers to which I have responded. You do not say anything (implicitly or explictly) to the effect of: "CF and loving life!" or "Made the decision long ago, thank GOD I did!:) Signed, CF" These types of posts seem selfish as these CFers seem to take pleasure or affirmation from the pains of others. They r not helpful in any way! Your post, in contrast, is kind and substantive and I believe what should be in the appropriate spirit if CFers want to post here. Thank u for ur words and thoughtfulness.
Thank you also for your kind words. I am sorry so many other CF people have come on here and have said such rude things. I wanted to let you all know that I support all of you and I know it is a struggle and you all should be able to freely share your feelings without being attacked by either rude CF people or those who are parents and say things to you making you feel guilty for venting. I found this website through a daily mail article where a woman talked about regretting being a mother and a person commented about this forum. I am glad I was able to post because I wanted to show I support you ladies and gentlemen too. I see people struggling with kids and I do feel for you all and wish you the best of luck. Always praying for you all. :)
Thank you Angelina – I have found that several CF people have posted very helpful and supportive comments on this site. I am thankful for their perspectives, and that honesty from moms like us helped to confirm their CF choice. I am truly glad for any woman who is "undecided" or "on the fence" who is helped by our stories.
I am also soooooo glad that this site has reached beyond, well, this site!!! I have provided a link to this site on another site about parenting experiences. Oh I pray that voices like ours, and yours, are heard and become "normal" (as normal & expected as having kids!).
all the best to you-
You are very welcome and also Thank you dailygrind. This site has reached beyond thanks to others sharing. I think it is important people share their true feelings and no one should feel guilty or ashamed of not enjoying motherhood. Everyone in the world is different. I knew after babysitting for almost my entire tween teen years that I didn't want to be a mother. I was tired at that age and I can't even imagine every day every moment looking after babies, toddlers, and now that I'm in my mid 20s I've looked after teens and i knew I didn't want kids 100%. I love kids so much but for me I don't want any, I have many siblings that do nd cousins and they do think I'm strange for saying I dont want any though I'm unmarried. But I hope that someday soon people realize that everyone is different and some people simply don't desire children and some do. I support you all. Cheers to you for sharing your feelings.
Here here! I became pregnant at 21 (not planned) My son just turned 2. I love him to death and the older he gets the happier I get. Seriously. I hear all these childless folks in their early to mid 20s talking about how much they want kids – but they think taking care of a dog is too much work… um? Really? Also, since having my child having pets is just an extra chore – I don't enjoy my cat anymore and I stupidly 'rescued' a dog from the pound about 6 months ago which my cat hates so she just stays in the basement on her cat tree all day/night. Part of me wants to get rid of the dog but my bf wants to keep her. Though, if he wasn't around I'd prob still keep her – she is a sweetie just a lot of extra work I hadn't anticipated. My bf wants another child (because my son isn't biologically his & he says he always wanted 2 kids anyway) I never wanted kids at all. I'm glad I didn't have an abortion or put my baby up for adoption but I do wish I had never gotten pregnant. Then again, my son has provided me the ambition to pursue my dream of working with kids that I didn't know I had until he was born. So I'll be getting my MA in School Psychology working on getting that this Fall. :D It's a decent salary that follows a school schedule – so I'll be off in the Summer for 3 months YES! So that'll be awesome spending that time w/my lil man – he'll be about 7 then. I can't wait!
But yes, being a parent is frustrating & ridiculously exhausting – even well past the infant stage. Your house is a constant mess – & if you take any time for yourself the child just messes up the house again. Though I imagine the more independent the child becomes the easier and more enjoyable it becomes to be a parent. I'm alright with just having the one. He can get all my attention & resources and end up in a better place than I. I was an only child to a not-well-off single mother. But she put all her efforts & what little resources she had into me & I've been able to put myself in a better place than she's ever been & I'm very grateful to her for that. I want to do the same for my son. Having another child – I just see that as taking away from little angel & adding more stress, strain, & unnecessary irritation into my life. No thanks!
I am so happy I found this post. I feel totally the same. I love my baby to pieces, but my life is a shadow of what it used to be. Some so-called friends with kids, that I have met in baby-groups keep telling me that I had it easy. Easy pregnancy, straightforward birth and bouncing back to my old figure within 4 month or so. The truth is, I am starving daily. My baby cries all the time, refuses to sleep and literally sucks the life out of me. Every time I sit down, have a shower, brush my teeth eat a small bite or have a sip to drink he´ll scream blue murder. I have no-one to help me during the day. I haven´t slept in half a year and constantly feel that I am passing out because I haven´t eaten. I get to eat late at night when my husband is home and he holds the crying baby for a little while. We constantly play "pass the baby" and it has ruined our relationship and marriage. We constantly fight because our nerves are so thin these day. I used to be pretty, smart and successful. Now I can never leave the house with clean clothes on or even brushed hair. I am constantly thrown up on, screamed at, bitten, scratched, pinched and kicked. I am fed with being peed and poo-ed on.I don´t even need my life back, just A life.
I am fed up with the constant bickering by random strangers, So fed up with conflicting advice. Have you realized that once you have babies, everyone (A) feels obliged to give you unsolicited advice and (B) one specialist will say one thing, while the next will tell you the exact opposite.
And nobody has any help or suggestions for you. I took my baby to the doc several times, because he screams all the time.The doc just smiles at me like I have lost my mind and tells me "Well, that is what babies do!" First it was suppossed to be colic and/or reflux, then teething and now apparently "wrong sleep associations". The doc gives me a patronizing, sorry look and sends me off to another day in hell. WTF doc, I have my own PhD, I am not stupid.
I completely understand your pain when it comes to doctors. My daughter's doctor told me to put her on the basement step or any step in the house for a tantrum spot OH and it has to be when she is having a tantrum anywhere so Im supposed to wisk her out of the store when I am shopping to take her home to a tantrum spot! I dont even have a car so Im suppposed to wait outside the store with a screaming tantruming child 15 to 20 mins finally get down town wait another 20 mins finaly take the bus back up town to my house walk a couple blocks to the house just to take her home to a tantrum spot. Everytime I go she still says thats what worked for her children well I have news for her thats her children through a tantrum my daughter can't hear anything you are saying so there is no negotiating so I completely understand your pain about doctors and peoples advice I have heard so much advice about how to deal with him my kid I have fankly given up sorry to say Ive gone back to the drawing board
Omgosh I feel so bad for you, I totally understand. If it makes you feel any better I had all of that with TWINS. I'm crying right now thinking about the trauma. My husband would leave me crying in the morning to go to work and come home to me sobbing at night – a filthy unshowered puked-on mess. WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE and I wouldn't wish twins on my worst enemy. I miss my wonderful husband, he's right next to me but I miss him. We had such a good marriage and now all we try to do is hate this unbelievably stressful existence. Good luck to you
You need to find a new pediatrician for your child. Now that is real advice you can use.
I can relate… I find it hard to eat a decent meal during the day, and I feel so unhealthy. I barely ever comb my hair, and forget about blow drying – my stupid crying baby doesn't let me OR I'm just too tired to even bother. I'm lucky I can even take a shower in the first place. And about the stranger's & doctor's comments – I get the same thing – best you can do is just grit your teeth, nod your head and smile, and then go punch something later on to get your frustration out. I hate my life and I hate having a child.
Being CF I can't relate to your post but all I wanted to do when I read it was give you a massive hug. I won't patronise you by saying that you need to put time aside for yourself (because I imagine that's very difficult) but hopefully you've found some solace knowing there are people here who understand and others who would love to make you a cup of tea and give you a hug. I hope it gets easier for you.
Thanks to everyone for their understanding replies. I have now changed my doctor for one. Also when I went to a coffee morning for moms, a doula recommended a sling wrap that I could use on my baby (hes six month). It has made my life a lot easier, because it has a calming effect, helps with the reflux and most importantly gives me my other arm back. With him strapped in the sling I can actually do more stuff too as I have my hands free. I get some hours a day where I can use both of my hands now and is has made a huge difference. My backage is much better too. I am still sitting here with greasy hair and haven´t showered for two days feeling utterly grotty. But I am a little less depressed for now.
Thanks again everyone for your digital hugs and cups of tea
People constantly tell me to have children, because they are just wonderful, endless bundles of joy. That is perhaps their way to exact revenge for believing a fairy tale of "joy, joy, joy!", by passing on the pain to new and unsuspecting victims.
One friend has a two-year-old boy who plays a neat trick when his parents are asleep. He climbs of his crib, and yanks hard on their fingers to elicit what seem funny, cartoon-like facial expressions. The parents now sport sprained or even broken fingers. So much for restless sleep….. The fun has now switched to eye-poking.
"Oh, Wonderful Bundles of Joy!
Wonderful Bundles of Joy!
Joy, Joy, Joy!!!!"
I too have friends who have kids who've learned creative new ways to entertain themselves, like painting the bathroom with poo, or better yet, the carpet. And how about picking their nose and wiping it on their parents. The fun never ends. woo hoo.
I'm glad I found this and to know I'm not the only one. I have a 3 month old baby and I love him but motherhood has destroyed my life and my soul. I am an empty, dead shell of a person. My body is disgusting. I read all these things that say you have to make time for yourself, etc, but what's the point of that? I would just have to come back. I know I put myself in this position and I have to do the best I can to survive each day. I put on my happy face with my son and I play with him, smile, cuddle, etc. It's not his fault, he didn't ask to be born and I will do everything I can to make sure he never knows how I really feel. I want him to have a happy childhood even if I am miserable. If I could have one wish it would be to go back in time before I got pregnant, knowing what I know now, and just choose not to do it. If you are trying to decide whether or not to have kids…DON'T.
To Noone, Thank you for understanding! Everything you've written I feel as if I wrote. We will survive one day at a time! But, man! is it hard!!!!!!!!!
I completely understand, my husband got a vasectomy within 2 months we were so sure. In the interest of putting and end to all the lies and sugar coating we have been brainwashed with in this generation,I will tell you it does not get better. It gets worse, even after the sleep depravation is overwith. Do not have another child.
Noone-If your baby is only 3 months, you are just getting through the "4th trimester"=meaning the horribly difficult time of your body sloooooowly adjusting to not being pregnant, and your baby adjusting to the world outside of you. It is a horriblly difficult time and you are most likely severly sleep-deprived too.
Take ANY help you can…even just to get 1 more hour of sleep…just to wash 1 load of laundry…every little bit that you do not have to do helps.
So very many of us here feel exactly the same way you do. And I am trying to be as honest as I can be with others, especially the child-free, and hopefully my children too. ((Hugs to you))
Please get therapy for yourself and make sure your baby is taken care of properly. Be patient with yourself and the child – parenthood is very difficult. Hopefully a little later, you can return to work or school and then you won't find parenting so overwhelming. There is also tons of information about being a good parent and parent readiness online. Good Luck!
I read through the vast majority of comments here. I must admit that I am still fairly perplexed why so many people have multiple children.
I am not holding you all to any higher standard than I do myself. My husband and I tried parenthood, were not impressed, and my husband got a vasectomy before our child was 2 years old. Prior to that, I had an IUD. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, isn't it?
I simply don't understand the rush to have second and third children. My sister and I were barely two years apart, but we are not BFFs, fought endlessly growing up, and can only stand each other in limited doses as adults. My brother and I are five years apart and get along with each other far better. Personality, which you have ZERO control over, has more of an impact on the sibling relationships than age. In my opinion, there is no need to rush into having a second child if you think that they are going to miss out on a relationship due to age. That is just silly.
Here is another thing to consider: children do not NEED siblings. There is nothing wrong with an only child and countless studies show that it is generally to the child's advantage to be an only. I wish more people would