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Hope After Miscarriage
It was a cool rainy September morning just like this one.
On that morning, five years ago, hope was fading and fear was taking over my heart. I had been in agony for almost a week. My first appointment with my OB was not scheduled for another month, and I couldn't get in to see anyone. I had been calling relentlessly and had found no one to help me. Is this normal? Should this be happening?
No one seemed to care that my baby was dying.
I can well remember the day that I found out I was pregnant. I just had a feeling. We hadn't been trying…but we knew it was possible. I was at work, and I asked a friend if I could borrow a pregnancy test. Crazily enough, she had one with her. I couldn't believe what the test seemed to be indicating and shouted, "Is that a second line?!" It was unmistakable. The second and third tests confirmed it. I was pregnant.
I told my husband on his birthday. Along with the usual birthday gifts, there was one more special present– a bib that said, "World's greatest dad." Oh, and I included the pregnancy test… because what guy doesn't want to hold something that you peed on? After the initial shock wore off, we laughed and cried and I told him that I wanted to invite our families to a special dinner. We would pretend that it was to celebrate his birthday, but we would give each of our parents a little present once they arrived. Continuing the trend, I bought four more little bibs – 2 grandma bibs and 2 grandad bibs.
The day came, and we passed out the presents. I wish that we had taken pictures, because that moment of pure joy was irreplaceable. It would be the last time that we would say, "We are pregnant" without the quiet little fear that whispers, "but what if it happens again."
I was so proud as I called to schedule my first appointment. I was moving into the ranks of "mother" a coveted title that I had dreamt of from childhood. The receptionist asked how far along I thought I might be. She told me that they didn't usually schedule the first appointment until around 12 weeks, so we set the appointment for early October. I didn't realize that they waited to schedule the first appointment until the end of the first 12 weeks for a reason. Did you know that the majority of pregnancies that will spontaneously end on their own will happen before 12 weeks? I didn't.
I knew something was wrong the moment I woke up – I hurt. I remembered hearing that your body makes room for the baby and stretching can cause discomfort… but this was different. This was pain, and immediately, fear warned me what could happen next.
The phone rang 5 times. "Hello. This is Becky Thompson, and I am pregnant….
Yes, I know that my appointment isn't for another month…
No. I haven't been seen yet, but I am experiencing some discomfort and beyond that there some "other" indications that I might be losing the baby….
I know that there are no available appointments. I was just wondering if this was an emergency or if I could speak with a nurse."
I left my name and number and prayed that someone would return my call. Three days went by full of unreturned calls and desperate voicemails.
No one seemed to care that I might be losing this baby. I felt helpless and unheard.
I spent my days at home lying flat on the couch as though it might stop it. As I laid there, I prayed. I asked God to heal my body and protect my child. I told Him all about how I had made plans for this baby. I stood on the promise of scripture, and I declared His Word over our lives. I told Him that I had a girl's name picked out. She would be my sweet Kaylin Joy, and I desperately wanted to meet her.
There is a story in the Bible that tells about King Nebuchadnezzar who built a statue of himself and declared that all of the people bow and worship it. Three men of God defied the king and were threatened with death. Their response? "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not… we want you to know, O king that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." – Daniel 3:17
But even if He does not…
I made the decision to live right there on those words.
Even if He does not… He is still able and good and worthy of my devotion.
When the phone rang that Wednesday evening, a man's voice was on the other end. "Hello. I am returning a call for Becky Thompson. I am going to prescribe you some medicine for the pain and some medicine that you can take the next time that you are pregnant to help you keep the baby."
My hope refused to hear him.
"Thank you so much for calling me back! Do I need to come in?"
He continued, "No. It is likely that you are miscarrying. We will just be more proactive next time. In the meantime, I will get you started on some pain meds."
I cut him off. "Proactive?! Next time? I have been calling for a week! I have been nothing BUT proactive. I am not concerned with my next pregnancy. I am concerned with what needs to happen to keep THIS baby. Can you do anything to help me?"
I honestly do not remember what he told me, but we were supposed to be in his office the next morning for an ultrasound.
That night, we prayed. We prayed harder than we have ever prayed. I laid my head against my husband's chest and cried out for God to save the life of my sweet baby. I pleaded for Him to intervene.
The pain the next morning was unbearable. My body trembled from it, and beyond the physical agony my heart ached. Hope was fading and the voice of fear seemed louder than ever. I looked out the window on the way to the hospital and thought back over the week. I was exhausted and felt defeated…. And then we arrived at the doctor's office.
My husband helped me through the door and guided me into a chair. As if the physical pain was not enough, the room was full of greatly pregnant women – Women with hope in their eyes and joy in their hearts. I was a picture of hopelessness – fear was winning. "You will never know that joy. It is over for you," it sneered.
They couldn't have called my name soon enough. I couldn't wait to get out of that room.
The nurses had no clue why I was there. Each one that entered congratulated me on my pregnancy. I told at least three different nurses that I thought I was losing the baby, that I had "shown signs of it" for a week, and that this appointment was to basically confirm my fears. None of them were prepared to counsel that. Who is?
The doctor came in, and I wanted to punch him. He was big and jolly and didn't have a concern on his face. I didn't realize how angry I was with him. How had he abandoned us? How had he just ignored our calls? Rationality played no part in this meeting or my feelings towards him. I needed someone to blame.
The screen came to life as the ultrasound began. "See that little sphere there? That is your baby." He continued and sounded a little surprised, "See that little flash? That is the baby's heartbeat."
Hope sprang to life inside of me!
"Your baby is still alive. I don't see why you shouldn't be able to continue taking that medicine I prescribed and keep the child."
I cried and laughed and hugged and thanked and suddenly, that man was a saint. I left with renewed hope. I walked out with my head raised and my heart set on new life. I called everyone. We had told everyone so early that we had a huge team to share our additional good news!
But as we left, something didn't feel right. The pain had escalated and was absolutely unbearable. I recognize it now as labor. I told my husband that I would just keep making phone calls and stay in the car while he picked up our lunch.
We made one more stop and the extreme tightening of my abdomen became intolerable. We rushed to get the pain medicine. I made the last "good news" call and my husband walked into the drug store to pick up my relief…. And then… it happened.
Right there, in the Walgreens parking lot, I lost the baby.
When my husband returned to the car, he understood instantly what my lips couldn't say. I was frantic and just wanted to get to the hospital.
More phone calls. Hysterical words sobbed from my throat as I told my momma it was over. I have tried to remember what happened in those few minutes on the way to the hospital, but I was honestly in shock and remember very little of it.
I can tell you very factually what happened when we arrived at the hospital.
My husband helped me into the emergency room. I walked past the front desk and into a little bathroom. It was cold. I put the baby into a napkin and carefully placed it in my purse. A wheel chair was waiting for me when I got out. I sat down and waited. My husband knelt beside me. My parents arrived. I sat longer. Apparently, almost an hour went by while I sat in a wheelchair with my baby in my purse. I began to feel lightheaded and numb. There was no privacy… But privacy couldn't provide what my heart needed. My baby was gone.
I was jolted back to reality by yelling. My mom directed my husband to get the car and help me into it… however much time had passed was too much. We were leaving and the hospital was made aware of how displeased we were.
We drove to another hospital near our home. I was immediately taken into an exam room and the last words I heard my momma say as they wheeled me around the corner were, "Don't let them take the baby."
It was the first thing I told the nurse. "I want to keep the baby. You can't have it." I couldn't imagine my child being shipped off to some lab.
Her soft words echoed in my heart, "Honey, what are you going to do with it?"
I couldn't answer her. I just sobbed. It wasn't just a ball of cells. It was my baby. It was hopes and dreams. It was a future and a life, and if it was a girl, it was my sweet Kaylin Joy.
I knew she was right. They would be able to tell me what had gone wrong. I handed her that sweet little life, and suddenly a stillness came over me.
For the first time in over a week, it was quiet. There was no rushing. There was nothing left to fight for. I didn't have to convince someone I needed help. I didn't have to plead a case of desperation. Hope was gone. Fear was gone. My baby was gone. It was all over. My body that was designed to protect my child had betrayed it. I sat there with a cold numbness. My baby had died.
When God made woman, He made her to bring forth new life. Yes, He made her to birth children, but when God made woman, He made her heart fertile as well. It is in the heart of a woman that dreams and visions are born. It is in a woman's heart that she makes plans for a future. I might dare say that the soft ground of a woman's heart is the most fertile thing about her.
At home, I slept for a long time. I was exhausted. The struggle had ended and left me shattered. It took a few days for my appetite and strength to return. I was heartbroken. So, I withdrew my hope. But what the enemy intended for evil, the Lord has used for good… Because as I withdrew hope, I pulled it back into the fertile ground of my heart… and there, without me knowing it… it began to grow new life.
About a week later, I returned to my job at a Christian University. Chapel service would be held that morning and the faculty and staff were encouraged to attend. As the music began, I remembered my promise to myself and God. Even if He does not… He is still worthy. He is still good… and then a miracle happened. Hope began to rise.
I told God exactly how I felt. I poured out my heart to Him. I told Him that I was heartbroken… but He already saw it. I told Him that I was discouraged… but He already knew it. I told him that I still loved Him and that I knew that He was still good… but I needed help to say it….and He helped me to praise. He helped me hold my arms up and sing of His goodness and faithfulness. The words sprang up out of my heart, and I sang as though it was the only way I would keep breathing.
Praise became my weapon against grief.
The goodness of God had not changed because of the brokenness of this world. He still loved me. He saw me in all of it, and He was right there with me. Because even though the baby had died, I couldn't lose my Jesus too. I couldn't believe that He had done this TO me. I couldn't make Him the bad guy and blame Him and yet run to find comfort and peace in Him. I needed Him more than ever… and when I blessed His name, I found peace. Because the truth is, He is good.
When bad things happen, God is still good.
I asked Him to show me where He was while all of this was happening, and He did.
He was right there with me as I discovered that I was pregnant. He shared in my joy.
He was with me when the pain began, and He held me close.
As frustrations led to desperation, He told me, "You are not alone."
As fear whispered in the waiting room, "You will never know their joy." He whispered, "My daughter. That is a lie. Joy will be yours."
He held me as that little life slipped into His arms.
He wept with me at the brokenness of this world…
He promised that the story wasn't finished and that one day, I would meet my sweet baby in Heaven.
And then, He gently put the broken pieces of my heart back together and sang with me as I remembered how to praise.
He is my friend. He is my comforter. He is my healer and my redeemer. He is my refuge. He is my joy.
These are the faces of my beautiful children.
I have trusted God through grief, and I have rejoiced with Him in gladness. This one thing I know, His worthiness is not dependent upon the outcome of our prayer. He is good and His goodness endures forever.
Friends, there is hope after miscarriage. There is hope after death. There is hope after devastation. There is hope when the prayer isn't answered. There is hope when the bills aren't paid and the baby is hungry. There is hope when your husband leaves and says he is done. There is hope after cancer. There is hope during cancer. There is hope when the war is raging. There is hope in Christ alone. My prayer is that you would come to know that hope as well.
I revisit this story of God's faithfulness at least once a year. It is a time for me to praise Him again specifically for guiding me through such a painful time. I thank Him that I didn't lose my faith, but that through this, our relationship became deeper. As I was praying the other evening, I saw her. An image flashed before my eyes of a little brown haired girl sitting backwards in a chair pulled up to a big table. She looked a lot like my sweet 2 year old, but had a long brown pony tail. She was about 5 years old and was just beautiful.
Yes, the baby died well before we knew who or what it was, but I believe with all of my heart that the Lord gave me a little glimpse into heaven. While there are times that my heart still aches to know the child, there is no greater peace than the assurance that she is held safely in the arms of Jesus… the same arms that hold me today.
"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. They that go forth weeping bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." Psalm 126
This post was adapted and included in my book Hope Unfolding: Grace-Filled Truth for the Momma's Heart. You can find your copy here.
271 Comments
Jennifer on September 1, 2013 at 9:58 pm
Oh Becky…This is written so beautifully and honestly. Thank you so much for shedding light on this touchy, tough subject. I too know all too well how it feels to say goodbye before saying hello. Loosing my daughter was the hardest, most trying time in my life bar none. God changed my heart through it ….life and every breath is so much more precious because of my sweet little Lexi Faith. She taught me more faith in her short 35 weeks then anyone could in a lifetime. God only allows trials and faith tests to happen to those he knows can handle it…and you are so strong! I love reading your blog about your family and especially how honest and open you are about your relationship with God, such a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much for this post. Keep blogging away and share that beautiful spirit inside you to the world who is in desperate need of that light!
Lexy Hjelm on October 27, 2016 at 4:48 pm
Exactly what I wanted to post. Our babies are looking after us and can't wait to meet us either. I feel it.
robin reusch on September 1, 2013 at 10:47 pm
Sweetheart, thank you for sharing again. Even as I reread this I KNOW this is the testimony God wants you to give at our conference. He is going to use you in a mighty way. Love you,
Aunt Robin
Debi McMurray on September 2, 2013 at 8:30 am
This was so good. I went through something very similar when I lost a baby through a tubal pregnancy. I had the sorrow, the depression, the pain, the suffering, even knowing it was a 10 week baby boy. I lost my left ovary and tube and didn't know if I would have a baby again. I left the hospital sorrowful and depressed. However, God turned my sorrow to joy when in just 8 weeks God turned and gave me another pregnancy. I had to spend part of it on bed rest due to it being a high risk pregnancy and some bleeding but today that son is a 28 year old lawyer. I also have had two more since him, a girl and a boy. They are all healthy. The enemy cannot take what the Lord wants to give you. Children are a heritage of the Lord. Thank you for sharing. As I read this, I cried remembering my own past and how good God was to me. Thank you for sharing this.
sarah beth on September 2, 2013 at 12:38 pm
this is just beautiful and encouraging. after losing four babies to miscarriage, God orchestrated an outrageous, fast-paced, redemptive adoption and my gorgeous little girl sleeps in the next room as i write this. we don't know if we'll ever "have" babies – there are no answers for us yet. but we HAVE a great God, who is in the business of buying up grief and ashes, exchanging them for joy and beauty.
thanks so much for sharing this!!
Lisa on September 7, 2013 at 8:04 am
Thank you for sharing this. It is so beautifully and honestly written. And it offers so much hope and truth.
I've lived out a similar story in the past year. And God gave me hope again in so many unexpected ways.
"He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together." – Colossians 1:17 Thankful for a God who does hold us together through such painful moments in life… and then offers new beginnings.
Miss Wiliams (Lisa)
Sharee on September 11, 2013 at 5:29 pm
I saw you post this story a few days ago, and I have been putting off reading it. I knew I would cry, I always do. It reminds me of those hard times. All miscarriage stories do, but yours is different. Yours has a joyful ending. My life is great today and I wouldn't have my oldest two if I had birthed the 3 that are waiting for Matt and I but God is good all the time and all the time God is good. thank you for sharing. I know I am not alone in the pain and grief that comes from miscarriage but at times it feels that way. God bless you and your beautiful family!
Sherry on October 27, 2013 at 8:56 pm
Hi, I love your story…I too had miss-carried but I had a different attitude. I at the time of my pregnancy was working at a club and became pregnant by my boyfriend at the time. At the time I did not want to be a mom I was drinking and doing drugs…and at 12 weeks lost my baby. Sad to say at the time I had no remorse for not taking care of my body so my baby could survive….
I love your story maybe the people around you needed to see how important life is …even from the moment of conception…and watch someone cry in desperation knowing that your baby is a real life at that time and worth fighting for…
Giselle on January 16, 2014 at 10:13 pm
After re-reading this for the second time, I sit here shaking and crying in wonder and thankfulness to our God. Let me back track here…I stumbled across your blog one day on Facebook while nearing an end to my almost two week miscarriage. Reading your post that day brought healing. I was able to let go of anger I wasn't even aware I was holding towards God the father. Weeks have passed since then healing has taken place but grief strikes sharply and randomly. Today you reposted hope after miscarriage. After reading it again, I glanced at the date. God pursued you to write this the very day I woke up with intense pain. The very day I started to miscarry. He knew I needed this. He knew it all and provided for me. Thank you for listening to Gods voice and following his promptings. Thank you for allowing him to work through you. What an awesome God we serve.
T on January 27, 2014 at 12:01 am
Thank you so much for this.
Before I got married in 2012 I knew a sweet little girl was waiting for her chance to come to earth. She was our baby. I even knew her name…Emmeline. It sounds crazy, but I felt her with me. I knew her, even before I conceived her. We were married in July, I found out in August I was pregnant. But something was wrong. I could tell. My mom didn't quite meet my eyes one time when I was telling her all my symptoms. She knew, too.
A few days before my husband's birthday we were babysitting our nephews and I started feeling a lot of pain. I ran to the bathroom and there was so much blood. I frantically called my mom who said, "I had a feeling this would happen. But you were so happy, I didn't want to say anything. Take it easy, sweetie, it's all going to be okay."
I came out of the bathroom and told my husband I was miscarrying. "Oh, okay." He said. I cried for such a long time after that. It took 11 days for the bleeding to stop, but there was still a hole in my heart. I don't think that will ever fully heal. My baby, my Emmeline, gone.
Over 17 months later, and we now have a happy, healthy baby boy. Over 17 months later, and I have come to the realization that God was not without mercy and love during that time. He let Emmeline be so close to me in spirit so I could know her a little before she went back Home. That was for me. The miscarriage was for my husband, to see if he was prepared to be a father, to make sure he could step up and parent this rambunctious little monkey we are blessed with. We will see our sweet Emmeline again, and we will be together as a family soon. But for now, we have peace, finally, and understanding. God is love, and I can think of no better place for that precious angel who was too perfect for an earthly life than in His arms.
Thank you again for your post. I loved it, and the sweet reminders contained therein.
Theresa Walker on January 27, 2014 at 2:47 pm
I just discovered this story from a link to another story. I am here to say, yes there IS hope after miscarriage. We miscarried twice- April 10th, 1993 (Easter weekend and 4 days before our oldest sons 2nd birthday) and February 1997. My first miscarriage, I know God was preparing me. Something didn't "feel" right. Still heartbreaking. But he carried us through. We believe that the 2 we lost here on earth, were girls. We have 3 boys- Seth, 22; Caleb, 18 and Isaac, almost 15. We also have a beautiful, precious grand baby born February 14, 2013. February used to be hard for me…easier as time went on, but still a little heartbreak. When our son told us they were expecting, I told him the baby would be a girl. I just knew. She is our light! Her middle name is Starr and she shines! She loves church and singing and music. I know God sent her to us…February isn't hard anymore and I KNOW that we will see our baby girls when we get to heaven…they are waiting, wrapped in his arms. There is hope. And I was able to cry with our cousin when she lost one of her babies. They are waiting for us…God bless!
Leah S. on January 27, 2014 at 6:20 pm
Wow, beautifully written! There are so many women who can benefit from your experience. It's hard to understand these situations but your bravery in sharing your story is a step in seeing God's goodness through it all.
God bless. Beautiful children!
Patrice on January 27, 2014 at 7:58 pm
Oh God…dear, i read your words and I can say that I felt exactly like you 3 years ago, when I lost my little Gloria with 10 weeks of pregnancy , and I believe with all my heart that ot was a girl, and that she is waiting for me in Heaven. And is so shocking to hear from everyone that "oh this is normal, soon you will have another pregnancy", like you dont care about this one you are losing in this moment, its just a cell…I felt this way…but God gave me strenght and hope and now I have another little daughter , Natalia, she have 1 year and 3 months. Our Lord is great!
Jill on January 27, 2014 at 11:12 pm
This is beautiful written. I had a very similar experience with my ob/gyn during a miscarriage. You described the pain and emptyness perfectly. God's design is greater than ours, and there are many surprises waiting in heaven.
dee on January 27, 2014 at 11:16 pm
This story brought back my memory of my miscarriage. While I was reading I almost cried. The part no one seemed to care that your baby was dying is the exact. Thats exactly how I felt bleeding for over a day trying to get help to save my babies. Yes, when I miscarried two babies and I didnt even know it was twins. I found out the sad way.
Ashley White on January 28, 2014 at 9:39 am
Words cannot express how your story has touched me. Having gone through a miscarriage myself and still awaiting God's promise of a child, I know what heartbreak is.
Only difference is that in my story I wasn't given false hope. Whey they did an ultrasound they said my baby had no heartbeat. I was forewarned of a miscarriage and you were not. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through but as you did, I too stand on God's promises.
Our babies are having a blast in Heaven and we will see them again. God bless you.
Beth on January 28, 2014 at 11:55 am
Beautifully written! I am so glad that I stumbled upon this today! I personally had 3 miscarriages and then went on to become a momma twice through adoption. My sister just had a miscarriage this past fall and as I help her navigate through this loss, I found that your post nailed it on the head. God is good! And there is hope after miscarriage! Your post has helped her a great deal today and I thank you for sharing your story!
Dear Amanda on January 28, 2014 at 12:38 pm
Thanks for posting this. I lost my baby at 7 weeks about a year ago. We spend most of our days trying to forget, but I really thinks its good to remember sometimes, to have a good cry and to pray for my precious child who lives on with Jesus.
I named my child Sparrow for the verse: Matthew 10:29
"Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father."
The world might see a baby as something worthless at 7 weeks. We treat him or her like she is worthless. But he or she is not – the Father knows it and, oh boy do I know it!
Justine Froelker on January 29, 2014 at 9:01 am
Thank for this! I have just started writing a blog on my IVF journey, lost babies and moving forward into a childfree life. It is, needless to say, brutal but amazingly miraculous! Would love you thoughts and feedback, Ever Upward http://www.jlbf4.wordpress.com.
Thank you again, with love,
Jessica on January 29, 2014 at 11:42 am
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is so powerful because of your faith lived out in those most awful moments – because of God's promise of joy in the midst of pain. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I tried for 4 years and honestly thought we wouldn't be able to have a child, which is ironic because I am actually a children's pastor at a church in the Chicago area. It is hard for any woman, but there was an extra pinch with being around kids all the time and not being able to have one of my own. We were blessed to find a doctor who figured out that it was actually a thyroid problem and as soon as she got me to the right level of medication for that condition, I got pregnant immediately! At 11 weeks, I experienced some severe bleeding and we thought that was it – we rushed to the emergency room at 10:30pm to find out what was wrong. Those in the emergency room were not compassionate at all, especially the Physician's Assistant. She assumed I had miscarried already and sent me to have an ultrasound "to see what was left in my uterus". I was mortified, grief-stricken and devastated. It was one of the scariest times going in for the ultrasound, even as my hope had diminished to a sliver. My mom and husband were with me and I am fortunate enough to have a mom who used to be an ultrasound technician. As soon as they put the transducer down on my abdomen, my mom started crying and the woman doing the exam said, "I'm just going to put your mind at ease…the baby is fine. That's the heartbeat." All 3 of us burst into tears of relief and joy. I haven't had any problems since and we are praying through the rest of the pregnancy with our baby boy. But your reminder is important – even if God doesn't, He is still worthy of honor and praise. Thank you again for sharing your story and for sharing your awesome faith.
Mary on January 29, 2014 at 2:11 pm
thank you. thank you. I had two miscarriages in 2012. We had a 5 month old daughter at the time of finding out we were expecting! I also dealt with trying to get in to see a doctor when I was spotting/knew I was miscarrying. Our first miscarriage I labored at home and was passing out. Two months later I got pregnant again. The ultrasound showed our baby but no heartbeat. Woke up in the middle of the night to contractions 1-3 mins apart. My husband told me it sounded like our daughter's birth. I was that uncomfortable! But no baby to look forward to. I was farther along this time, and I wasn't able to "labor" everything so I went in to see the doctor. I had an "in office" D&C and awake the entire time. She said I was dilated, and since I was still nursing (11 month old) it would be best to do the D&C so I wouldn't have to be put to sleep later. Painful yes.
But the physical part is just part of being a mom.
The heart though. The heart breaks. Two sweet babies. Two babies I never got to meet. See their first smile. Hear their first word. I pray my sweet Grandma gets to though. She always wanted to meet my babies but passed away before she ever got to.
Thanks again for this post. It touches deep to the soul!
Abby on January 29, 2014 at 2:56 pm
Becky, thank you so much for sharing. I just wrote my own blog about my miscarriage experience a couple of months ago, and thought that brought me the "closure" I needed. But then I read your wonderful blog and sobbed. I cried with sadness, but also with the same hope that burns through what you wrote here. Thank you for reminding me to put my hope in Jesus, and that he walks with me in the joy and in the pain.
Kelly on January 29, 2014 at 8:06 pm
I don't think it's a coincidence that I stumbled across this blog and blog post today. This blog post truly touched my soul. I have two beautiful children ages 7 and 2. In August we were surprised but ecstatic to find out we were pregnant with our 3rd. I never thought I wanted 3 children, but it was in God's plans. At my first appointment we saw the baby but I wasn't as far along as originally thought due to longer cycles. The midwife thought she saw a heartbeat but wasn't sure. I was to come back in 2 weeks. The Saturday before my appointment the pain started. That evening it got worse. I called and they said I'm miscarrying and they will see me Monday. I went to my appt and got pain pills and passed the baby at home. The next month was full of problems for me. I ended up having a D&C in October. I was and still am devastated. We have decided to try for a 3rd again and I am terrified. I don't want to lose another baby, but I also know it is all in God's hands.
I don't normally post long comments like this on blogs, but I felt compelled tonight. Thank you for sharing your story and for giving me hope. Xo
Jini on January 30, 2014 at 1:43 am
Thank you for sharing your story. I just recently suffered a miscarriage in October. We had been trying for 6 years. Two early miscarriages later and we finally got a positive pregnancy test in September. Because of my history, we were fortunate enough to have an early ultrasound at 7 weeks 2 days. We were blessed with the most beautiful sight ever, our gorgeous baby and it's glorious fluttering heart! That was on a Thursday. The following Monday at 1am was when my miscarriage started. We had an ultrasound on Tuesday that confirmed our worst fears, we had lost our baby that we had longed for at 8 weeks gestation. When I passed the baby, I saved it and we wrapped it in one of my husband's grandmother's quilt blocks and placed it in a cushioned box. We had our own memorial/burial service for him or her (I like to think it was a boy) and laid him to rest in a lovely spot in my mother in law's flower garden. It was nice to have that closure. Through it all though, from when I first was fearing the worst, I never blamed God. I was never angry with Him for "taking my baby". All I could do was pray that if it was His will, please help me keep the baby. But if it wasn't His will, all I could do was thank Him for the 8 weeks He had entrusted me with His angel! I still have had no bitterness towards Him. I know he has a plan for us and I love when people share stories like ours. I especially love hearing endings like yours (that you have two beautiful, healthy children), it gives me hope for my future. I am so grateful that the Lord allowed me those 8 short weeks with my child, it showed me that I can get pregnant! We are preparing to start fertility medications in February. All I can do is keep praising Him and thanking Him and just keep reminding myself "but even if He does not".
Again, thank you for sharing. God bless!
Rebecca on January 30, 2014 at 4:16 am
I can't tell you how much I can relate to your story. I also told my husband that I was pregnant on his birthday. His 30th to be exact. We also list our first child a day before our first ultrasound. You honestly took every emotion that I felt through out our journey to become parents, and wrote it so beautifully. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Congrats on your little blessings! We lost our first three, but we now have a 2 year old and a six month old. I believe in my heart that God has a plan. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this:). God bless you.
Debbie Crowder on January 30, 2014 at 7:53 am
My daughter lost a baby several years ago, she doesn't talk about it and i know she is feeling this pain too. She just said something to me about it and referenced your article and said this helped her it was exactly how she felt. She has yet to be blessed with another child but i am still hopeful that will happen. That you for writing this. You helped alot of people i believe that still don't know how to grieve.
Edward on January 30, 2014 at 10:48 am
Becky, God is the only one who can know and understand the pain that you went through during this time. Thank you so much for sharing this difficult story. I hope that others can understand that no matter what tough roads may come, God will always be there to guide you through anything you may face, holding you in his arms as his child. My wife and I have been through a difficult time in our life with our newest daughter. I have always held faith in God, but it had not been as strong as it should be. Our daughter was born with spina-biffida and has been in the hospital for many visits over the past 16 months. One thing that this has done for me and my family is that we now have put our full faith in God to guide us through the rest of our days. Having spent many days and nights in the hospital has shown us that no matter what we are currently going through, many others have endured much more. With that, we believe God was leading us to do more for those in need. We have begun a non-profit organization for special needs kids. God has blessed us with many opportunities to let this grow and he continues to bless our work. I can't thank you enough how after reading this it strengthened my resolve to continually look to God for guidance, support and love. God has blessed you with a wonderful family. Have a wonderful day.
Jenny M on January 30, 2014 at 1:37 pm
Just wanted to say thanks. Five months and a week ago, I had a very very similar experience. The only real difference was that mine happened at a stupid Cracker Barrel. Thank you for your words of comfort and encouragement. I'm still waiting for God to look like the good guy again. But in time, I know things will change. I miss my little girl so much, and nothing seems to fill the emptiness. Thanks for your words of hope.
Ellen on January 30, 2014 at 3:53 pm
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for writing this.
I'm a mom to a happy 10 month baby boy, but we lost his older brother or sister right before. People asked about how I was recovering physically, but all I could think about was my baby.
I know I will meet my baby one day in heaven, that I will recognize my child. And I feel tremendously blessed for our baby boy..but I never forget the one I lost.
Thank you for your testimony of our God's goodness! He is always good!
Rachael on January 30, 2014 at 4:32 pm
Thanks for sharing your story. I just returned from my doctor's office where I got an ultrasound which should have been the first time I saw my baby but instead it was to make sure there were no complications with my miscarriage and that there was nothing left. It has definitely been a battle to trust in God's goodness instead of believing the lie that he looked away and didn't help me in my time of need. I know he is going to continue to heal be and teach me about his goodness through this situation. And, through the rest of my life here.
Funnily enough, I just did a Bible teaching (the day before I miscarried) on that very same passage in Daniel. It's interesting how sometimes things can go to your head, but not to your heart…seems like God's trying to get through to me. "Even if he does not…" I know he is there imploring me to to continue to cast my cares upon him because he cares for me (and you all) like 1 Peter 5:7 says. Even though sometimes it's hard because I don't feel him. I'm pretty confident that when I look back, I'll be able to see how he's carried me through… Thank you for another reminder of that.
KLB on January 30, 2014 at 5:24 pm
thank you SO much for sharing this! a couple of months ago, i had my 4th miscarriage. i was 12 weeks along and started spotting. an emergency ultrasound determined my baby had passed at 7 weeks, only a few days after i found out i was expecting. i have 6 beautiful and healthy children already and often feel like it's silly to grieve as hard as i have been but my heart was and still is broken. i never named the 3 other losses from years ago but this baby is named samara esmund. both names mean protected by god. i know that god is protecting and watching over my entire family, including my angel babies. i love them and i miss them and i always will. my heart breaks over and over when i hear of other's losses and am so grateful for opportunities to lift and support and comfort each other.
Chelsea on January 30, 2014 at 7:37 pm
I've been struggling to write this same story lately. If I've learned anything fr miss carrying its that we are not alone. You are very strong, and so blessed! Those kids are beautiful and as we all know, worth the struggles and heartache!
Liana on January 31, 2014 at 9:27 am
I cried reading this, as I recently suffered a miscarriage. Your words expressed everything I felt from feeling like the doctors didn't care that I was losing my precious baby to wanting and needing to continue praising God in the midst of the heartache but feeling so broken and far from Him. Thank you for your words of encouragement and hope.
Annie on January 31, 2014 at 9:30 am
I thank the Lord that I stumbled across this article. Thank you for writing this beautiful piece. I am amazed at how similar our stories are. I have two beautiful boys, and then this past summer we had 3 miscarriages. The second one I was 16 weeks and went through such similar situations, emotions, etc. I remember feeling like the hospital and doctors did not care at all during the entire 6 weeks that I knew something was not right. "There's your baby's heartbeat, it's fine". Then when I returned with labor pains they still did not seem to care. It was over. I treasure the sight of our tiny son, what a gift from God he was, for the short time I had him. We named him Job, in honor of the verse that gave us such comfort "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, May the name of the LORD be PRAISED!" We felt his comforting hand on us, strengthening us through this trial. And now we continue with hope for whatever the future might hold. PS> I also just read your piece on remembering that we are our husband's before our children, and that too rings home so much. Thank you for these beautiful pieces. Lord's blessings to you.
Becky on January 31, 2014 at 3:46 pm
Hi Becky, God led me to your blog today through FB and I couldn't be more thankful. I have a very heavy broken-heart these days as my due date approaches. I miscarried in early September, when I was 18 weeks pregnant. Our little baby girl Mallory watches us from Heaven. I've been struggling with my faith a little bit – I haven't really talked with God about it too much. Imagine, the most devastating thing happen in your world, and you can't bring yourself to talk about it with God. I thank you for sharing your heart ache, and for your words of encouragement. They spoke to my heart.
Erin on January 31, 2014 at 8:17 pm
HI! I loved reading this post about miscarriage. You really spoke truth! I'm sure you know this, but you are NOT alone! I love how God is such a God of LOVE and protection. I've had a few miscarriages, but the most recent was by far the most traumatic. Thankfully, I was able to see Jesus EVERY SINGLE step of the way. I don't think I've ever felt him so close.
I do not usually comment or respond to blogs, but feel led to share my experience with you. If you have time, feel free to read my blog: http://weserind.blogspot.com/2012/11/birth-of-baby-5.html The 2 posts from December and the one from FEbruary also deal with this loss.
Your family is beautiful! God is so good!
Be blessed,
Lesley on February 1, 2014 at 1:18 am
I accidentally found this post when another article you wrote was shared by a friend via facebook.
I had a miscarriage 3 years ago and reading about your experience helped remind me of God's faithfulness in my life "even if" I also lost a baby.
The Sunday before my OB told me she couldn't see the heartbeat anymore thru ultrasound, our pastor spoke about having an "even if" faith in his sermon thru the life of Daniel. It was so timely because my husband and I comforted each other with it the moment we entertained the possibility of losing our baby. We told one another that even if we were losing the baby after many years of waiting and already getting a heartbeat the first ultrasound, we would remain in faith and continue to trust and love Him. We cried, grieved and felt very very sad, but were quick to get back fueled by our faith. There was still hope.
3 years after and we remain childless. My last IVF attempt had been unsuccessful. Sometimes I become accepting of the possibility that I may never conceive. However, deep inside my heart and my husband's is still the desire to become parents.
Perhaps through your blog, God is reminding me again not to lose hope. I want to hear Him more clearly. I have been asking Him, until when should I wait? Will He take away the desire from my heart if there's no baby coming?
Tina on February 1, 2014 at 9:46 am
Thanks for the post.Believe it or not, I could relate SO much to your post, even though I have never been pregnant. My miscarriage is that of a very sweet and hopeful dream I had in my heart a long time ago.And even though, years later, the dream is coming true, I can still hear the enemy constantly tell me that "you will never know the joy of this dream." I was in tears when I read this: "He whispered, 'My daughter. That is a lie. Joy will be yours.'" How I want to dwell on those words and make them mine. In 2013, I struggled with depression because I believed that I will never know joy when it comes to this dream. Ironically, this was happening while God was opening doors for my dream to come true. Forgive me, Lord Jesus for believing the father of lies, instead of You, the Only Truth. Also, recently, in other area, I have been listening to Fear that there is no hope regarding some area in my life. Lord Jesus, You are my hope. Thanks for sharing.
Joy M. on February 1, 2014 at 4:50 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this. I've never been in a relationship or been pregnant, but as I was reading this I could feel the heartache and cried as if it had been me. I couldn't place why the pain felt so close to home, until I realized it was similar to the grief I am praying through now, and though my situation yd different and I'm asking God to provide a godly husband, my heart cry to be standing on the foundation that even in our worst times he is faithful still resonates deeply in my heart. Thank you for your transparency, through it God has begun to allow me to heal.
Kendra on February 2, 2014 at 12:48 am
Please, everyone reading this, please know that being ignored by your OBGYN's office when you first call with pain and questions is NOT best medical practice. It is not. While faith in Christ is good, listen to that tiny voice inside you and if your doctor will not honor that you know your body please find yourself a doctor who does. If Christ is in all of us, he is that little voice who nudges us. The heartache you describe so well mimics my own, but I had a wonderful doctor who called me back that day, had me come in to discuss everything with her & the NP. There was nothing to be changed, but I was treated with loving respect and that alone quelled my immediate fears, protected my health and spared me having a miscarriage in a way that endangered me, scared my child or my husband. While miscarriage is common in the first trimester I never had to wait until 12 weeks to be seen. 3 pregnancies and I was seen at 8 weeks each time. Miscarriage is painful. Miscarriage becomes more physically concerning with each week into the pregnancy. It distresses me that you were so treated and I just want others to know that it doesn't have to be that way. -K
Kendra on February 2, 2014 at 12:55 am
*In saying "there was nothing to be changed", I'm referring to the course of the pregnancy. They did treat me for the miscarriage, helping me prepare for the bleeding (thus decreasing the anemia I experienced) and the pain. I was given the parameters for what was a normal miscarriage and what required me to get to the hospital,and a few things to do to help my healing.
Priscilla on February 2, 2014 at 2:26 pm
Thank you for sharing this inspiring story. I too, have miscarried, and I was never the same. I find it admirable and I think it's beautiful how strong you are to continue trusting in God. My relationship with Him hasn't been the same since I've lost my first son even though I still pray and believe. I'll try to do better.
Ashley on February 2, 2014 at 9:01 pm
Thank you for your honesty in this post, and praise God for leading me to find it. I miscarried last June when we were 12 weeks along. My doctor had warned me about the risk of losing the baby like you talked about in your post, but after 8 weeks and a successful sonogram, we thought we were good to go. We bought books, a blanket, and even settled on a name, Mason. (Just like you knew your baby was a sweet girl, I knew in my heart I was carrying a boy. So we chose Mason.) We were planning to move to have more space, and I had decided on a nautical nursery theme with navy and red and lots of stripes. Then my stomach hurt beyond anything I had experienced before, and an ER visit told me that Mason was gone. I couldn't return to work for 2 weeks because I couldn't stop crying for long enough to get myself ready. I begged God to make the hurt end, but I always told myself, right now my belly would be this big. Right now, Mason would have these characteristics developed. I felt alone, much like you did when the first doctor wasn't much help. I knew my pain wouldn't vanish immediately, but I underestimated how quickly God would turn my heart around. After my due date finally passed, it's like God shooed away the dark clouds that hung over my head, and I found a renewed sense of hope. I look forward to meeting Mason in heaven instead of wondering what might have been. It gives me encouragement to see the photo of your two beautiful kids because there IS hope and there IS a future for me. And no matter where we end up, God is always good. The world is fallen, but He never fails us. And when my heart aches, I can be reminded that there will come a day without the grief and sickness and death. So thank you for opening your heart on this difficult topic to share with the world. Praise God for the wisdom He has given you on this experience, and bless you for sharing it with the rest of us.
Erin on February 3, 2014 at 10:31 am
I lost my first baby (Mary Angelica) at 7 weeks just last Thursday (5 days ago). My husband and I went through a couple days of numbing sorrow, and then I felt a little more normal for a couple days. However, the past couple days I have been crying at the drop of a hat, with absolutely no warning. I don't know if this is normal part of grieving or a hormonal thing. I am a faithful Christian and trust in God's plan, but I am still so sorrowful. How long can I expect this grief to last?
Hollie on February 4, 2014 at 8:29 am
Thank you. I'm so blessed to have found this. I went through this same thing a year ago. Your testimony helped me so much.
Joy on February 4, 2014 at 9:05 pm
I too miscarried in the first trimester with our first baby, Xavier Innocent. Much of your story is the same as mine – knowing something wasn't right, inattentive nurses who didn't care to help or even confirm the miscarriage. I also felt that strong urge that you felt to keep the baby. Luckily, I had confirmation via ultrasound that there was no heartbeat before I passed the baby and was able to pass the baby at home and keep him. I think the instinct you had was correct – what will the medical community do to your child once they run their "tests"? They will dispose of your child with their medical waste. I am blessed enough that my parish church values the lives of all the unborn and has a cemetery for those babies who die before birth near the regular cemetery. We had a burial for our baby and it was heart-wrenching and healing all at the same time. Here's a link to the cemetery:
Katie on February 5, 2014 at 9:34 am
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can relate to so many of those emotions. I just walked through my 2nd miscarriage about 3 months ago, and I can really relate to what you described. I felt very abandoned by God after my 2nd loss, but like you, I needed to praise and give thanks through the tears that I felt like would not stop – and I felt like missing my closeness with Jesus was almost worse than the pain of my losses.
Writing has helped so much with my healing, and thank you so much for writing about your experience. Incredibly beautiful, poignant, touching and so well written. So glad to see the blessings for you on the other side.
farihan on February 6, 2014 at 9:21 pm
speechless… i feel you. every sentence i read, it reminded me of my on similar experience. how i manage to lift my hope seeing my baby on the ultrasound, and to lose him/her the very next day.
though we're already blessed with 2nd bundle of joy now, my our angle will always be remembered. he was our 1st taste of heaven..
Mindy on February 7, 2014 at 4:35 am
Thank you. I just experienced my 1st miscarriage on New Years Day. I needed this. My husband and I long to start a family, but through this i've learned that I need to trust in God's timing, and trust the plan he has for me. I have hope that I will someday have a child, but that still doesn't make it any easier to go through the emotional roller coaster of finally knowing that you conceived and now it's gone. So I wait, I trust, and I give thanks for the blessings he does give me. My emotions are still raw, but I'm doing my best to hold tight to my faith and his love. Thank you for helping me continue to do that!
Angel Joshua on February 7, 2014 at 5:59 pm
Praise our Lord…He is our only constant strength…
Thank you for letting me know about something that has been deeply rooted in your heart and mind. I salute the courage to have written down every thought of yours during this tough period.
I am sure this post will be encouraging for many lovely women who think they have come to the end of their lives.
I am sending this post to my sister-in-law who had suffered the loss of her dear child 3 years back. This writing of yours will also bring the courage to talk her mind out after these many years.
I will pray for her peace in a special way. I remember how hard it would have been for her as we were both pregnant with our first child and when I had my son with so many complications she lost her child. I can never forget the day it happened I still feel that it would have been very hard for her to see my son in her arms.
She is blessed with a beautiful girl now but am sure she still has that pain lurking within as she has never spoken her heart out after the loss of her first child.
Jessica on February 8, 2014 at 6:11 pm
Thanks for sharing your story. I recently wrote about my own miscarriage on my blog, and although you were farther along than I was, I do understand the pain. It's encouraging to see your beautiful children and the reminder that God is good *all the time.* My husband and I keep praying that one day God will bless us with children, but we also pray for the strength to trust Him no matter what happens.
Mark on February 8, 2014 at 10:01 pm
Powerful article, and you write beautifully. Thank you for sharing your story.
Nicole on February 10, 2014 at 3:01 pm
Thank-you for writing this! This is very similar to my story, and was such a tough thing to go through. I feel like my lost little one was a girl as well. It is still hard everyday, but I was able to get pregnant again shortly after and have a 6 month old baby boy to get me through the tough times and a handsome almost 3 year old boy.
C on February 12, 2014 at 7:48 am
I have to say your story really encourages me. I have had multiple miscarriages. My husband has children from a previous marriage and at this time is unable to have anymore. I do not have any of my own. It is our desire to become parents together. We have researched all of our options and continue to be met with barriers that prevent us from either having or adopting. We both during all of our barriers have said God will provide when he deems fit. We know that if we continue to move forward and continue to leave it in his hands he will provide the opportunity for me to become a mother either naturally or through adoption. God is good all the time!
Lindsay on February 12, 2014 at 9:46 am
I've recently experienced this pain. Just a month and a half ago and it still lies heavily on my heart. I chose to believe in Gods faithfulness and goodness, and I do believe He is the only reason I have come to where I am now. He has never left my side. Thank you for sharing your story. God is always good.
Bianca on February 12, 2014 at 10:34 am
your words could have been mine. I lost a sweet life last april and have been trying to get pregnant ever since. thank you so much for sharing this, i really needed it today.
Leslie on February 22, 2014 at 10:48 pm
Thank you for this. I got about half way through before I was sobbing uncontrollably praying my baby and husband didn't wake up. I'm supposed to be working late tonight, but instead I'm finding some much needed healing. Your story echoes mine in a few places and while each of my miscarriages didn't devastate me as I expected, I realize now that maybe I shouldn't have been so strong at the time. Although I know I will carry the memories and cherish the lives I've lost, I have carried the pain and brokenness too long. I didn't realize how this deep agony seeps into many other aspects of life. Maybe now, I can find more and more thorough healing. I just didn't realize I still needed it. Thank you for reiterating hope in way you did. I really needed the reminder and the hope today.
Kayla on February 23, 2014 at 4:57 pm
It was by the grace of God I was led to your blog post. My friend posted the link on Facebook. I'd like to just share what I posted on her link:
This is one of the best things I've ever read in my life. While I didn't experience the physical pain she did, I identify with every other point. I don't share much of my story often anymore… When I took the first pregnancy test and it was positive, I was overjoyed. But I knew in my heart that because of the condition of my body and my organs that I had to remember the chance of loss. As I laid on the bed alone that day, before I told JR, I prayed so hard and cried and told God, "I'll praise you either way." I don't think I really understood what that meant until I had to do it. God put that covenant between us in my heart. I love the part where she said
"The goodness of God had not changed because of the brokenness of this world. He still loved me. He saw me in all of it, and He was right there with me. Because even though the baby had died, I couldn't lose my Jesus too. I couldn't believe that He had done this TO me. I couldn't make Him the bad guy and blame Him and yet run to find comfort and peace in Him. I needed Him more than ever… and when I blessed His name, I found peace. Because the truth is, He is good."
Even within the past 6 months, I've had to remind myself, and JR, that I can't choose to turn on God because He is goodness. I can't turn him away, because he is everything I need.
So, even though I wasn't prepared to shed tears this evening, I'm so grateful you shared this. So grateful.
Thank you for sharing your hope. Blessings to you!
Rachael on February 23, 2014 at 9:52 pm
I just want to say thank you…you have shared such a personal story, and you have made a difference in doing so Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
mel on February 24, 2014 at 3:43 pm
thank you for sharing this. i too lost our first little one very similar to that. seeing their heartbeat, feeling filled with hope and joy only to lose our little one an hour later. your testimony was different than all the others that i've read. and i've read a lot. but the peace that only Jesus can bring is so evident in your story. the hope that only He can bring after such a silent loss is so beautiful too. thank you for sharing this. 5 years and two healthy pregnancies later my heart still aches for that first born in heaven with Jesus, but your post brought so much comfort that they are with Him and there's no where better to be! thank you for sharing your story 🙂
Elizabeth on March 2, 2014 at 11:05 pm
I sat here and read this with tears streaming down my face. I miscarried my only daughter on April 27, 2013. My husband drove me to my emergency appointment where the doctor told us our child had a strong heartbeat and she was 11 weeks. Early the next morning, I woke up to cramping and bleeding. My husband drove me to the hospital ER where I was told I "might" lose the baby but we would just "wait and see". As soon as I got home, she was born. Rather than go back to the cold, uncaring hospital we had just left, my hubby took me to our closest hospital which was a Catholic one. They showed care and compassion for this devastated, grieving mother. I know my little Charlotte Joy is in Heaven waiting for me, but the pain of her death is still very strong. I have yet to have any other children, but I'm thankful that I know I'm not alone with my grief.
Bre on March 28, 2014 at 2:17 pm
Thank you for sharing. I wish I'd read this before my miscarriages. My first miscarriage was followed with rage at God- the lie that 'He robbed me of my baby and my joy' pushed me into depression. Looking back at the 2nd miscarriage,in my 2nd trimester,I see now that like your blog says He was there holding me, loving me, weeping with me, whispering words of hope… I was so broken I barely remember the weeks following the lose (other than the pain of grief).. but I KNOW, in hindsight, He had to have had me wrapped so tightly and securely in His arms. And He has my babies up in heaven someday I will hold them in my arms, and kiss them… Now, in my 4th pregnancy I am filled with hope. My mission has to put my full and complete trust in God throughout the pregnancy, and thanks to discovering this message I feel encouraged and better equipped to do that!
God bless you for ministering to my heart and the hearts of others who are searching for encouragement!!
Ariana on March 29, 2014 at 9:17 am
Having just lost my pregnancy a few weeks ago, I was so glad I came across this post. Not only is it great to find something I can relate to so much, I have also been wondering and searching for what God was trying to show me through this. I loved your perspective that He is still so great, faithful, and worthy in through the bad times too, something so simple that I didn't realize I was struggling with until I read your post. I am convinced that this is exactly what I needed to come across this whole time. As my husband and I will begin to try again, I am now convinced that this is what I need to keep in my mind and heart. Thanks for sharing!
Trisha on March 29, 2014 at 12:20 pm
Thanks for sharing. I have had a stillbirth at 32 weeks, and miscarriages at 12 weeks and 8 weeks. I also have 3 perfect little boys. I think it so important for people to know that we can let these experiences make us bitter or better. My experiences have definitely made me better. I have never felt more all-encompassing peace, love, and faith than at the time of my stillbirth. God carries us through all pain and difficulty and makes us stronger and leaves us with hope. He is always there for us, we just have to turn to him.
Reeca Reddin on March 29, 2014 at 11:44 pm
I am the mother of two beautiful children. My children are quite far apart in age, 10 and 16. About two years ago I developed heavy bleeding and became quite anemic. After a year of medication, my doctor suggested endometrial ablation to controll the loss.. My husband and I weren't planning for more kids, but I was still very reluctant to do domething sp permanent. I cried before and for several days after the procedure. There are no periods after such a procedure, so I thought nothing was out of the ordinary in my case. About six months later I became ill, and took a pregnancy test just to cover all the bases. I couldn't believe it, two positive tests. I went in for an ultrasound and there he was. My little Jonah. My doctor informed me that I'd be high risk, and I expected that. What made this all the more miraculous was that both of my husbands brothers had babies on the way too! We didn't tell the whole family until we were sure we were out of the woods so to speak. After about six weeks things started to go downhill. Jonah had no heartbeat. My doctor told me that my body would resolve the pregnancy on its own, so we waited, and prayed. I can remember sitting in church singing It Is Well, with tears streaming, hoping no one noticed. Remember this was a secret. On the next ultrasound my doctor said that although Jonah was gone, my gestational sac continued to grow. This would need outside intervention. I was given a prescription to begin labor. I could do it a home, with my husband, and it should all be over by morning. After a full night of active labor, not a single spot of blood, nothing. I had to go into the hospital and have him removed. I work in the hospital. None of my coworkers knew about what we were going through, it was all kind of overwhelming for me. I took a few days off, and cried a lot. I though this baby was a miracle, and I wanted to meet him do badly. It's been several moths since then. Jonah would have been born this month. I just don't feel the same anymore. I can't even hold my new nieces, and none of the family knows why. We didn't want to upset my sister in laws with miscarriage talk during their pregnancies. Bringing it up now seems somehow wrong. I just don't know how to get around this. I know he's safe with God, but that doesn't change how I feel now. Lost and out of place.
Tara E on March 30, 2014 at 2:12 pm
i'm crying… this touches close to home. i have a 4 year old boy, and a precious 9 month old girl. between them, i had 3 miscarriages… one after the other. when i had the first, as hard as it was, i moved on fairly quickly. when the second and then the third was lost… i was brought to my knees. wow. thankfully, i knew the truth that God is GOOD and He did not cause those miscarriages… that like you said, He wept with me. i grew so much through that time, but it was a dark time. He held me so close during that time… and like you said, "Praise became my weapon against grief." Praise God we were given our feisty, happy little rainbow baby girl. what a blessing.
Katie Rawlins on March 31, 2014 at 7:01 pm
Beautifully written. It is similar to the story with my son, Liam. Your post is a wonderful reminder that God is faithful. Thank you for sharing.
Bobbie on March 31, 2014 at 7:26 pm
During the darkest of times, it is difficult to see the good. I lost my first three pregnancies and often found myself questioning why? It was especially difficult because, at the time, I was a high school teacher and we seemed to be experiencing a high number of teen pregnancies. In 2007 our son was born and I tell him that he is my special angel. He saved me! I would end up losing our fourth baby in early 2008, only to be extremely blessed later that year with our little girl.
I truly believe God works in mysterious ways, yet at times it is very difficult to understand why. I thank God everyday for my children and know that we have four little angels watching over us.
Thank you for your story and for sharing it. I know for us, when we started our journey ten years ago, it was rarely talked about.
God bless you all and, if possible, NEVER give up!
Kellie on March 31, 2014 at 7:38 pm
Thank you for this. It was a year ago yesterday that I suffered this unthinkable experience while across the country visiting my sister-in-law. This is a great reminder that there is hope after a miscarriage even when it doesn't feel like it at times.
Amanda on March 31, 2014 at 8:10 pm
This so amazingly resonates with me. It so clearly mirrors my first miscarriage. I am the proud mommy of 2 angel babies and the most beautiful blonde-haired blue-eyed 21-month-old baby girl. God is faithful!
Catherine on April 1, 2014 at 8:15 am
So beautifully written. I read this and felt as though you read my mind. My would be due date is approaching and there is a new wave of sadness that comes with that. However, like you, I believe God continues to carry me through and build my faith in Him through that experience. Thank you for sharing in such a beautifully honest way.
Stephanie on April 1, 2014 at 8:37 am
You are so brave. This story broke my heart, but I feel blessed to have been able to read it. Thank you.
Angela on April 1, 2014 at 9:01 am
Thank you so much for sharing your story! This is my first time stumbling upon your blog, but I found out I was pregnant the same weekend you wrote this entry last year. We were not trying at all but were still ecstatic about the surprise. Within a week I miscarried. I felt ashamed and didn't want to tell anyone what happened. I felt like I would be the lone case of miscarriage amongst my coworkers, friends, and family. However, God comforted me and reminded me that there is nothing wrong with me. When I accepted that fact, I didn't try to hide my miscarriage from people. When I was honest about my heartache and loss, that's when others opened up too about their own miscarriages. I would have never known if I kept this all to myself. Talking about it with these other women helped so much in the healing process. I openly told even my 7th grade students that I would be taking an extra week off because I lost my baby (instead of just saying I was "sick"), and some parents even emailed me to encourage me and share their own stories. Anyway. My point is that I firmly believe in the importance of sharing our burdens with others as God commands us to encourage one another. Your story encouraged me; thank you!
Chris on April 1, 2014 at 9:50 am
I am so thankful I clicked on the link to your April Fools post today, as it led me to this. Reading this was so good for my heart. Having shared this experience a few months ago, I identified with so much of what you shared. The isolation you feel from friends and family after having shared something with them that is no longer true… When you feel like the hospital doesn't have any idea as to how to help women who miscarry, but only those who are progressing through a healthy pregnancy. Feeling like you have been betrayed.
And yet none of the pain (physically, emotionally, spiritually) can be compared with the hope we have in Christ. SUPER hard to let this sink in during the moments of grief and fear… But I know that I need to cling to passages like Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."
THANK YOU for sharing your story so others may turn their gaze from their present (HARD) circumstances to Christ. Thank you!!
Courtney Frazier on April 1, 2014 at 4:09 pm
Such a beautiful story and I bawled my eyes out. I'm pregnant now and when people ask me what gender I'm hoping for I just say I don't care as long as my baby is full term and is healthy
Libby on April 1, 2014 at 4:11 pm
Someone posted your 'Don't April Fool's Pregnancy' post to FB. I read that and this. This made my heart ache for all the miscarriages my husband and I have suffered. And even though I firmly believe that God has spoken to us through very specific signs that we will have children someday, some way, I sometimes allow the doubt to creep in and whisper the lies."My daughter. That is a lie. Joy will be yours." That helped. So much. It's been almost 4.5 years since we started trying and every day can be a challenge. Some pregnant friends don't realize how callous they are when they complain how fertile they are or how fat their body is compared to mine. As if I wouldn't trade them all I possess for a baby. Thank you for the encouragement.
Kristin on April 1, 2014 at 4:30 pm
Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story. I recently lost my second child due to an ectopic pregnancy. We named her Parker Emma. I'm sure god has a special place for these children in heaven.
Alena@TheHomemadeCreative on April 1, 2014 at 4:31 pm
I lost our honeymoon baby at about 10 weeks. I understand what you mean about that "feeling" because I had it to. I named my lost little one Esther Marie.
Alison grooms on April 1, 2014 at 4:48 pm
I had a miscarriage in May 2013, I am expecting my first daughter May 2014. God is good. Just like you, praise was my weapon against grief. I think it is time for me to be brave and tell my story just like you did. God has been way too good to me to keep this story a secret any longer.
I learned at my last appointment that my baby will be full term on the exact date that I had my D & C last year.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Mae Beth Easley on April 1, 2014 at 5:49 pm
Thank you for sharing!!! I just happened to come across your page on Facebook. I suffered 4 losses after my one and only daughter. It's been tough and through it all I have grown so much closer to God. After reading you story I'm am certain that God showed me your story for a reason. I will never give up hope for a second child. Thanks for being a light in a world of darkness!!
God Bless,
Mae Beth Easley
Danielle on April 1, 2014 at 6:08 pm
So beautifully written! I spent more than 4 years angry with God- the time in my life when I really needed Him, I didn't feel Him. I lost 5 babies in 4.5 years. I was too hurt to feel His love. It wasn't until my daughter was several months old that I was able to feel Him and His love. So very nicely worded. Congrats on your lovely family. 🙂
Kristi on April 1, 2014 at 7:07 pm
Your story is beautiful, amazing and heartbreaking, we experienced a miscarriage between our 4 year old daughter and our 1 year old twins and it an experience like no other. Thank for sharing your story so beautifully.
Candace on April 1, 2014 at 8:03 pm
Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing this. I needed the reminder to just hope. I needed the confirmation that miscarriages really are hard, and that it's okay to have a hard time. But mostly I needed the reminder of why we have hope and from whom it comes. Thank you.
Kimber on April 1, 2014 at 9:02 pm
I sit here in tears. I miscarried my first child as well and remember the hopelessness. I went on to have a beautiful boy, David, and his brother Josiah. When Josiah was 10 weeks old, David drowned. I remember crying out to God to do a miracle as he was life flighted over head. That miracle never came and it has been a journey back to trust in God again. I'm pregnant again. Another boy. Isaac. Thank you for reminding me to praise Him "even if He does not."
Woshondria Fizer on April 1, 2014 at 9:48 pm
I'm at work reading your testimony trying to hold back my tears. On October 14, 2007 at 8:00am, I went into preterm labor. By 9:20am I gave birth to a beautiful 1lb 3oz baby boy, my little Joshua. This was the worst pain I ever felt. I'm not talking about physically. Spiritually it felt like someone tore my soul into pieces and wanted me to put the pieces back together again. I thought it could've happened because I wasn't married to his father. Or maybe because I terminated a pregnancy 13 years prior. Whatever the reason, I was angry. Angry at myself for not knowing I was in labor, especially since I am a nurse. I was angry at God for giving me this blessing then taking it away so suddenly. When I returned back to work after having the baby a co-worker shared a bible verse with me that got me through this terrible time. It helped me put everything into perspective. It renewed my faith and hope in the Lord. It helped me to forgive myself for my past mistakes and walk in the purpose that God has for my life. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future". Everytime I felt sad, depressed, or hopeless I recited that verse. I reminded myself that God's plan for you is always yea and amen. His love for me is unfailing, unwavering, unmoveable, and everlasting. It's not over for me yet. My future is in the hand of the Master. Thanks again for sharing. You definitely encouraged me.
Kari on April 2, 2014 at 7:36 am
One of the most beautiful posts on miscarriage I've ever read and it is so similar to my experience that I am trying to hold it together here at work. It's been almost 6 years yet if I were at home I'd be sobbing. So many words I'd like to say in response to this but I can't formulate them into a coherent sentence. Simply lovely .. thank you for this.
Morgan on April 2, 2014 at 8:04 am
I'm so glad you shared your experience. The worst moment in my life was the morning I felt the pains and knew it couldn't be anything good. I didn't know I was pregnant, but fear turned to horror when the little body slid into my hand. It was too late. I couldn't save my baby, and no doctor or family member believed me. Now I've been trying for years and still haven't been able to bring a child into this world. I know God has a plan for me, even if it is adoption. It hurts to see others with healthy pregnancies and babies, but I am still glad for them. I've been blessed in so many ways, and I just have to trust that God knows what is best.
Crystal on April 2, 2014 at 9:55 am
Thank you for writing your story. I too have had to lose a child after the hope of new life has begun. Thank you for reminding me that although we do not know Gods plan for us, He is worthy. As time passes for me, the unbearable pain becomes less, but knowing that my baby girl is waiting for me, gives me hope. Thank You- Crystal
Ashley on April 2, 2014 at 11:22 am
Your story is so honest and beautifully written. It is so similar to mine that it almost felt as if you were telling my story too. I too went to the hospital bleeding and in pain and was surprisingly shown a tiny baby WITH a heartbeat. Hours later I was in so much pain and had lost our baby at home. Back in that emergency room with my baby in a small container, I just wanted to keep her, but I didn't know how to say it and the doctors took my sweet baby. I too strongly believe that my baby was a girl. Family, friends, and most importantly God, were able to help me through the struggle and grief. That was in September 2011 and I still think of that baby every day. I now have a beautiful daughter who is almost 2 and another baby on the way. There is hope after miscarriage! Thank you for sharing your story. It is beautiful and inspiring. God bless you and your family!
Jennifer Wilson on April 2, 2014 at 8:30 pm
Your story really reached me because I went through 8 miscariges and after 10 years of marriage we had are son and then are little girl. I look at them every day knowing they are from the LORD. Going through the hard day with the kids I just have to tell GOD thanks for the bad days as well as the good day. I could not emaggen a life with out my two kids.
Emily on April 3, 2014 at 8:15 pm
Thank you so much for your words. I'm in the midst of my second miscarriage right now, and searching for hope. I don't feel it much at the moment, but I know I will again. Because I've been there. Here's my story: http://emilyschultz1215.blogspot.com/2013/09/for-week-i-have-thought-of-writing-this.html
Jodi on April 4, 2014 at 10:57 am
What a beautiful post!
Kristi D on April 24, 2014 at 8:34 am
I cried reading this. I too have miscarried and right after seeing my baby and it's flickering, 'healthy' heartbeat. I love how you said that praise was your weapon against grief. Our 'EJ' Heaven Baby is now three. The hope of Heaven is a great reward. Love to you… http://www.kloverhouse.blogspot.com/2014/04/celebrating-our-heaven-baby.html
Corrie on April 25, 2014 at 12:57 pm
Thank you so much for this post. As I read your story, this made tears run down my cheek.
I too had a miscarriage. Although I didn't have traumatic "symptoms" of miscarriage, I felt the same emotional pain.
My husband and I were able to hear the heartbeat and see our little bean at 8 weeks, via ultrasound. I was feeling great, and by week 10 I was already getting a little "bump". My second appointment was week 10, this was just an office visit – I insisted that my husband be there for support and a time for him to learn with me.
Boy was I glad he was there!
The routine doppler tried to pick up the baby's heartbeat, however at week 10 that can too early to hear. But the digital numbers were picking up a number.
My Nurse practitioner then sent me to get a non-emergent U/S to verify the heartbeat and cervix length, we did this while we were already there for time-sake. Not anticipating anything was wrong, since the doppler had picked up a number as the heartrate.
While laying on the U/S table, I remember my husband holding my hand watching the Tech find our baby. We were excited to hear our baby's heartbeat again in only 2 weeks!
Our little bean was still snuggled in my uterus, but something wasnt right.. I didn't see the little heart flutter like I did the last time.. And the tech kept searching for that flutter… Then she clicked "play" for us to listen for a heartbeat, and it was silent with a flat line reading. My heart sank. Tears instantly welled up in my eye. My husband clenching my hand so tightly, then slid his chair as close as he could and just held me, sobbing.
The U/S was complete.
I sat up, tears still flowing, and my first words to him were, "Is this really happening?"
Thankfully our OB office is in the same hospital building, we went straight back to our OB's office.
I then felt the same as you, waiting in the same room with several moms who didnt seem fit (In my eyes) to be mothers. I was angry, with tears still silently dripping down my face.
My NP then explained this happens to nearly 1/5 pregnancies, and the reasons are normally unknown. While crying with us, she then helped us decide to have a D&E (Dilation and Evacuation).
This was a hard decision. Was this considered abortion in God's eyes? What if the U/S was wrong? Maybe I should give my baby more of a chance. What is God's will?
3 days later, a second U/S then concluded there was no heartbeat. My heart again sank, however this time I feared the worst.
It has been almost 3 months since my D&E and I am still coping – which I'm told will never leave, it just gets easier. Through this time, I've found myself clinging closer to God – not blaming God. I can see how some can become bitter and wonder, "why me?" I continue to battle with this, when looking at the 3 others who are due with their babies the same week as my baby was to be born.
{Lord willing, we will be able to start trying again in May.}
Your post has given me new strength, and has inspired me to find a way to help others coping with miscarriage.
I'm truly thankful for your bravery to relive your miscarriage, as you wrote this post. Please know God has great plans for you with this Blog, you will reach many and touch many hearts.
We will see our angels again, when we are walking on those beautiful streets of gold!! -God Bless You
KG on April 30, 2014 at 4:52 pm
Thank you for writing this article. It was like you were writing about me. The hurt is real and the heartache will never dull. Faith. Faith is always the key. Thank you for helping me remember that. God bless you and your family.
Susan wright on May 13, 2014 at 7:28 pm
I'm speechless after reading this and that's a rarity. Not many things really touch me deeply, but this did … In a way I can't describe . The picture you painted for me of you with your baby in the purse at the ER is one I'll never forget
Emilee on May 14, 2014 at 5:15 am
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm sitting here crying and feeling loved that some else understands and is brave enough to share. I just had a miscarriage (fetal demise) in March, we went to my midwife and she couldn't find a heartbeat and so she sent us to the emergency room and they were all so sweet to us as they broke the news. we went home and for 4 days prayed and asked God what he wanted us to do and begged for live to come back into her if it was his will. We finally decided to take pills to induce labor at home and my grandma and hubbie were my nurses. My parents live in Israel and it was so hard not to have them there, but we had the baby at my husband's parents home and they were all such a blessing and comfort. We named her Furaha Grace (she was conceived in Burundi, Africa, so we wanted to give her an African name).
Anyways, thank you for share. We also feel like God wants us to do the same with our story and it is so encouraging to see others doing it. <3
bethany on May 14, 2014 at 8:14 am
Thank you for sharing your heart. I've had 3 miscarriages and with each of them God has taught me so much. Most recently He's been teaching me of the Hope we have in Him, in eternal things. In plans that only He knows He has for us.
Ellen Garrard on May 14, 2014 at 2:04 pm
This was simply beautiful. I was only pregnant twice, and I was blessed each time to carry the pregnancies to term. So, I have never, personally, experienced the loss that you describe. I have, however, a niece that had three miscarriages before she was delivered of a healthy baby boy. So, I have seen how devastating the loss of that longed-for child is on a woman. Bless you for your strength, bless you for your faith, and bless you for sharing your story.
Katrina Cordova on May 14, 2014 at 3:34 pm
My husband and I have a beautiful three yr old daughter, and in the last year, I have lost 2 babies. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being so raw. I wish more people would be open about their pain and grief. God bless you.
Elizabeth on May 14, 2014 at 7:28 pm
Thank you so much for writing your story. I had a miscarriage in December after working through infertility for two years. I'm now struggling with infertility again and feeling hopeless and full of despair. While I can tell myself over and over that God is with us, it is hard not to let your mind go that other place of doubt and despair. Your story is encouraging to me.
Thank you!
Karla on May 14, 2014 at 8:18 pm
I miscarried in early December 2009 at about 3 months pregnant. I react to stress fairly calmly, but my oldest son, who was 8, was having a very hard time. Through prayer, he was told, "there was something wrong with this baby that would not have allowed him to live past birth, so the Lord, in his mercy, allowed him to return home now." I cannot tell you how much peace that has brought to me since then- "the Lord in his mercy…" turned my pain into comfort for our child- for both of our children. May you continue to find strength in Him and his wisdom.
Rachel on May 15, 2014 at 3:14 am
Thank-you so much for sharing your story, and reminding me of the hope we find in God. My husband and I were married just last November, and were overjoyed to discover that we had gotten pregnant right away. Sadly we lost the baby in miscarriage, never even getting to see his little heart beat. It's only been a few months, but I'm starting to lose hope that we'll get pregnant again. So thanks again for the reminder that I can always trust God, He is faithful,and worthy of praise, always, in the times of "no", or "wait" and in the times of "yes".
Dorothy on May 15, 2014 at 6:05 am
3 weeks ago I miscarried my first pregnancy.. My husband and I had successfully completed our first in vitro after 10 years of trying to conceive on our own without luck. The Thursday before Easter I found out it had worked, I was pregnant, but I was told then there could be a problem. I was overjoyed and terrified all at once. After 10 yrs of negative tests and shattered hopes I was finally given the gift of life. We went home for Easter and shared the news (I wanted to wait but we had tried so long I couldn't hold it in). Then, on Easter morning, I began cramping really bad. I remember praying to God and begging him, bargaining with him, anything I thought may get his attention on me, to have mercy on my child since this was the day so many years ago that he gave life back to his own son. I called my dr and was told to lie down until I could make it in the following day. I laid in the backseat of our car on our 3hr drive home, praying thru my tears. The next morning we were given the news that we were going to lose the baby. I understand your description of shock and I was so angry. I tried to be hopeful, explaining to my husband (really to myself) that this was the first pregnancy we've had, yes it was with assistance but now we know it's possible. I've told myself this for 3 weeks now and still I cry myself to sleep and am so scared that this was my only chance from God to know the feeling of pregnancy.. I know God is great but it's hard to remember at times. I'm sorry for the rant on your blog but it was on my heart to share and it was an inspiration to read your story. Sorry for your loss.
Karen on May 15, 2014 at 6:39 am
Thank you!
This was terribly painful to read – I have lost three babies in the last year and it brought everything back, but it was also a gentle chiding for my spirit. I didn't do what you did. When I lost the second I got angry. Angry with God, angry with the world, angry with the women who could have children when I couldn't. I couldn't pray. I couldn't praise. for 4 months I was silent toward God…if I DID speak to Him, it was in anger and pain. The journey back to HIm has been long.
Thank you for sharing your own pain, thank you for the reminder that things Can be different. Thank you for giving me the hope for grace when we manage to get pregnant again.
Kathryn on May 15, 2014 at 8:45 am
Thank you for being so honest & open. I lost my baby 3 months ago & am still healing. Your words bring comfort & hope. Losing a child is such a hard thing. Thank God we are not alone.
Taylor Zaremba on May 15, 2014 at 8:57 am
This is such a moving and touching story. I had a miscarriage in October 2012, and we are currently trying again. There are some bumps in the road we have learned, but this story has helped restore my hope for my desire to be a mom, and my faith entirely!
Thank you so much for sharing!
Danica on May 15, 2014 at 11:44 am
I've never had a miscarriage but that's because I can't get pregnant. After a couple years of trying, we found out that my Fallopian tubes were destroyed and the surgery to repair them resulted in them being removed because there was no way to repair the extensive damage. We found out that it was likely caused when my appendix ruptured when I was 14 years old. It took a week of inflamed appendix AND a week of ruptured appendix, a million ER and doctor visits, blood tests, X-rays, and cat scans for anyone to treat it. So then I had an intense surgery to clean out the crazy amounts of infection that were hanging out in my abdomen, destroying my chance of ever naturally conceiving.
While my story is different, I relate to a lot of the feelings: the worry that you'll never get a chance; being in a waiting room full of pregnant people, knowing I was only there to find out just how bad it was; having to recognize that God is good even when circumstances aren't; anger at doctors whose lack of care and effort has robbed me of this great thing; feeling distressed, depressed, overwhelmed, and devoid of hope.
But just like you, I've chosen to trust God anyway. I decided early on to trust Him even if I never had a child, but always hope that I would. Finally, finally, finally, and even though it seemed impossible because of the high cost (about $15,000), we are starting IVF next month. I know things can go wrong, and I will trust God in any case, but I choose to believe this is our chance!
Thanks for sharing!
Laura on May 15, 2014 at 8:37 pm
This has empowered me. It has helped me and it will change me for the good. I wish all of the questions around a miscarriage were easily found…but maybe it is more about the journey as I look to find them. What a heartbreak you felt and feel. Thank you for sharing so much of YOU and HER for all of us out here.
Anlee on May 15, 2014 at 9:06 pm
This was a timely read as tomorrow is my due date with a precious baby that I lost at 12 weeks. Fellowship among women who can share the wounds and healing have been so encouraging to my soul. Nothing conceals the a he but I have seen gods goodness through our loss. Thank you for writing out what is so very hard for me to articulate.
Terri on May 15, 2014 at 9:31 pm
This was written so beautifully…it was my heart poured out in your words. I have 2 beautiful daughters…to me they are miracles. I lost 5 before I had them. Those are to this day terrible memories…28+ years ago…but extremely blessed to have my daughters. God bless you!
Whitney on May 15, 2014 at 10:29 pm
W O W. I am so encouraged by the way our stories are similar, as Jesus showed His face in our most trying time, whether we saw it right away or not. I did not have a miscarriage, and for a long time had so much shame for having that voluntary abortion. But SO many times has God revisited the promise that He has REDEEMED and He is GRACIOUS and LOVES ME. I only hope that someday I can tell my story as beautifully as you've shared yours..that someday my story will encourage the soul of another woman (or man) in pain from such a great loss.
Ashlee on May 16, 2014 at 8:43 am
What a beautiful story. I have a daughter, Kaylin Jo… So your name choice took my breath away.
Tanecia Zummer on May 16, 2014 at 9:35 am
Thank you so much for your inspiring story..it helps to know we are not alone in this miscarriage struggle. I have wanted to be a wife and mommy as long as I can remember. I watched my childhood friends get married and have babies as well as my siblings do the same. I finally got married on 9-28-13 which was also my 40th birthday..but in May 2013 I had a knee replacement..went through my pre-op testing which included a pregnancy test that came back negative..so imagine my surprise when 2 weeks after surgery I had "pregnancy" symptoms and took a test..it was positive..I was frantic..not only did I have major surgery but they had me on IV antibiotics and lots of pain medications. I went to the OB and got a lot of blood work done and she scheduled me to come back in 3 weeks for an ultrasound..needless to say the US showed no heart beat..but in my case my body was not aborting on it's own..so I had to take a medication to force my body to abort the baby..that was the HARDEST thing to do because even though two ultrasounds at two different locations confirmed no heart beat I felt like I was "killing" my baby by taking this medication (even though that sweet wanted baby did not have a heart beat)..it's been almost a year and I still cry..my husband and I have decided to "try" to get pregnant as I will be 41 this year..I pray I get pregnant soon..and until I get to heaven to meet the angel we lost I will continue to know that God has it all in control 🙂
Lindsay on May 16, 2014 at 3:56 pm
Such a fantastic post. We had a miscarriage this past June, but a similar story – weren't necessarily trying to get pregnant, but it was definitely a possibility; super surprised when I randomly took a test and it was positive (!); super excited… and then a crushing blow. But you're right – our hearts are God-made to birth dreams. In such a short time, it became so real, so huge, so important. And then it was gone. I knew it was happening, and I too felt ignored by the doctor; we had an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage a day before I was scheduled for my first appointment. I was all alone in a stark hospital room as I was told they couldn't see a heartbeat, and there was no fluid around the baby. The doctors all told me that it's just genes that don't sew up the correct way. But you know what? Psalms says that "He knit me together in my mother's womb" and that's been my prayer ever since. That verse was a gift straight to my heart from God after the doctor visit. God is good! Now we're just enjoying the 'making the baby' part until we get another positive test result!
Donna Wilson on May 16, 2014 at 5:06 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. My whole "career goal" was to be a stay-at-home mother. We planned to have our first child after 2 years of marriage and our second child two years later. God had other plans. After 3 years of trying I got pregnant, but miscarried at 6 weeks. In the next two years I miscarried at 3 months, and then at 5 months. We decided to adopt, and after being approved, were on a waiting list for the next three and a half years. Our precious 8 week-old daughter was placed in arms in 1980, and when she was 14 months old I got pregnant for the 4th time. God allowed us to give birth to our 2nd daughter. Our daughters are now 34 (mother of our 4 grandchildren) and 32 (she and her husband are missionaries). My husband and I will celebrate 44 years of marriage this summer, but I still cannot speak of those years of loss without tears of grief. Only those who have experienced the loss of a child or infertility can understand the pain. Yes, we need to share our stories, because others need to know that there is hope in the Lord (whatever the outcome)!
mary on May 16, 2014 at 6:31 pm
This brought tears to my eyes. Your story is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. I have four little ones in heaven. So much of your story rings true with each of my own experiences. Reading other people's experiences have helped me so much in my healing journey. I have my own blog now with the stories honoring my own wee ones. If you would like to read my story and God's faithfulness go to http://www.choresofopportunity.blogspot.com
Katrina on May 17, 2014 at 3:40 am
I more than feel your pain as I miscarried my second pregnancy. My daughter was 3. I was devastated. I even became angry at God for a while. But He is good. My C section after my first child produced excess scar tissue that over time eventually led to a hysterectomy, leaving me with only one child when my heart wanted more. God had other plans. Rest assured He Knows best! I had gone through a divorce, remarried later and gained two more children. I have three kids now. My beautiful 22 year old daughter and a 20 year old stepson I helped raise since age six,and a ten year old step daughter who is my heart too. She has called me mom since 20 months of age. So yes… god needed my love for children planned His way, not mine and it's ok. Someday I will enter Heaven and He will hand me the baby He took years ago, but for now I take care of the ones He gave me here on earth.
TALICA MALANI on May 17, 2014 at 5:19 pm
Thank you for your great faith and love for our only and wonderful Saviour Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.
I love you for loving our God as you have wonderfully shared.I join with you in my testimony that Jesus is the Christ and He Lives and so is your dear Kaylin. In His Holy Name. Amen.
Lavon on May 17, 2014 at 11:52 pm
Thank you for writing this. I have had two missed miscarriages this year. I needed to read something like this. I know there is hope after miscarriage but it is hard to see while you are going through the pain and suffering. I can't wait until some day show pictures of my children!! There is hope after miscarriage!!! God is good!!!!!
Phillis Bailey on May 18, 2014 at 12:44 am
Thank you for sharing from your heart and soul. I.too, have a beautiful boy in heaven that left this earth all too soon. I was 10 weeks along in a much wanted 3rd pregnancy. We had 3 girls. Oldest was 7 and twins 5. I was very happy to be pregnant again. I started cramping on the weekend. My dr. was out of town and her partner knew my history, but there was no bleeding at first. So we waited til My dr came back on Monday. By then it was too late for progesterone or any thing to stop the pregnancy loss.
I had a sono and the products of conception were already in the cervical opening. So a D&C was done to complete the misscarriage. We never saw a heart beat, so it was termed a blighted ovum. Me as a Labor and delivery nurse, found that term easier to deal with than calling it a baby I had lost.
Approximately 19 yrs later, I was given a spiritual dream one afternoon. I was allowed to see several children in heaven sitting on a grassy hill close to Jesus. While Jesus was teaching them about His father. I knew who several of the children were as they were appropriate ages for the children my friends had lost during pregnancy or shortly after delivery. I saw a young man in the back ground and was given to know that he was the spirit of the boy I had lost, the year before our last son was born. I was also given to know he had been guiding and protecting our son all thru his life.
This is how I learned the pregnancy was a real conception and had a soul and a heart beat even though not witnessed by any one on earth. I have praised the Lord for this testimony and the ability to share it with others for their edification and blessing.
I am not as eliquent as you. but you may use my testimony in any way the spirit leads you.
Shoshana on May 18, 2014 at 5:41 am
I have suffered 2 miscarriages and lost a baby girl at 3 months to birth defects. That was over 40 years ago and the pain from all three losses is still with me. After the death of my baby girl, I was to learn I would never be able to give birth; I would be a childless mother. Or so I thought. Today in my 60's I have raised 4 stepchildren from diapers to parenthood, a foster child, and helped raised 9 step-grandchildren. You do not have to share DNA to be a mother – you just have to share love.
Amy on May 18, 2014 at 10:48 pm
I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I am reminded of my loss this past January. I was especially touched when you said you had a vision of your daughter. I too 'saw' my daughter and she as well was 5. I can't imagine going through that time without the Lord to lean on. Thank you for sharing.
Valerie Murphy on May 19, 2014 at 10:17 pm
Very good point on the views on miscarriage these days, I hadn't really thought of it that way, but it's true, you can't see it both ways, a baby & 'just tissue'. My opinion is that it is definitely 'baby'. After three children, my 4th pregnancy was a little different. My friend's husband asked me how I was feeling at about 3 months, I said fine, but I really don't feel pregnant, even tho I was already wearing maternity clothes! I had my first Dr. visit, he did an ultrasound, and no baby, just tissue. He arranged for the D&C, and as I think back, the sweet gentle ladies there must have thought me an awful calloused woman. I was all, well, not exactly chipper, but 'show me where to go, tell me what to do.' Then I got pregnant again and miscarried again at 3 months. Whoa! TOTALLY different experience. THAT was a baby. I couldn't stop crying for months. I had his name all ready chosen as well. But eventually the tears come less frequently. Then we got pregnant again! Happy day! But we decided to wait a while to tell anyone. At four-ish months we broke the news. At 5 months I miscarried. The hub had said if we miscarried again, that it should be the last go. But when we realized the baby had passed, he said of course we would try again. But, during this last pregnancy, I had an 'abrasion' on my breast. When I told my OB, he said it sounded like Paget's Disease, but I was too young. He referred me to another great doc, when he examined me he said, it looks like Paget's Disease, but you're too young. But I still didn't think I could possibly have breast cancer. But I did. I probably had it for 2 years before detection, as I'd had the symptom off & on for 2 yrs., but constantly while pregnant. (I'd had mammograms & ultrasounds, but only a biopsy can detect Paget's.) It was still small & local & I had a lumpectomy & radiation & have been cancer free 17 years now. I think that baby's purpose was to come gain his body & save my life. So now I'm going to tell you the miracle part of the story. After my first child, you know how everyone always asks you what size family you plan/want to have? I heard distinctly in my brain '5'. An odd #! I hate odd #'s! So I always said 4-6. 🙂 When pregnant with my 3rd & only daughter, someone asked me again. Again I heard '5'! So when I asked my oncologist if I would be able to nurse again, & he informed me I couldn't get pregnant for 5 years, because the same hormones that help the baby to grow also help cancer to grow, & my daughter was now 6, which would mean she'd be 11…& I already had my 5! So I had a tubal at the same time I had my lumpectomy. I know I have 2 little boys waiting for me if I continue to obey the commandments & my covenants to the best of my ability. I also had an aha! moment when the cancer was confirmed. Your first thought always seems to be: 'Why me?' But it came to me just as quickly 'Why not me?' Am I more special than Christ who suffered EVERYTHING? No, I'm not. And so I will go through this the best I can. And I did. It wasn't a picnic, but it was doable. I have a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ & of the Plan of Salvation & of the Comforter attending those who need comfort & care. Thank you for your post. Your children are lovely. All 3. 🙂
Dannielle on May 21, 2014 at 4:36 pm
My friend directed me to your blog and told me I'd find comfort in your story. I did! God is GOOD and FAITHFUL. This has been the theme of my past year. If you knew my story, you would know how much yours has touched me. You are an excellent writer and captured the essence of your "fertile heart" very well. God bless you and your beautiful children!
Dee on May 22, 2014 at 3:49 pm
Thanks so much for writing this. My story is similar to yours. I had 2 miscarriages, 1 in 2007 and 1 in 2008. The first one, I also tried to get a doctor to help me for days before going to an ER, and that's when I first realized that the medical community really doesn't care about the early miscarriages. They believe Satan's lie that the baby is just cells randomly put together and not the divine gift from God we know these children to be, so it's not a big deal to them if it happens early.
So sorry to hear you had to go through something similar but relieved to see you have been blessed as I have by your own children born after the miscarriage. God is good.
Pamela Nipper on May 23, 2014 at 6:45 am
your story was so beautiful I had 3 beautiful sons and got pregnant again God had promised me a baby girl when my second son was about 4 months old but I had a 3rd son so I knew I wasn't done yet…I was pregnant was this the girl??? I started spotting went to bed I had done this with 2 and with 3…went to my doctor he said cervix closed go back to bed it didn't stop…I told my husband the morning before the miscarriage we have a girl name but no boy name just in case…he got in the shower I got out the name book…Patrick jumped off the page…I told him and he agreed it was a good name…the next day I went to the bathroom and the baby slipped out…I too wrapped it in tissue cradled it in a tupperware container…took it to my doctor…he looked…said nothing and examined me when he stood up he said cervix open it is over with tears in his eyes… I had ultra sound everything was gone no d&c…wait 3 months be before you try again…it was Mar.13,1990… I waited and cried and longed for a baby to hold…I knew God was in control and my baby Patrick was in heaven with Jesus…on June 13th we tried and I know I got pregnant my body just churned all night…on March 27,1991 my baby girl was born got had answered my prayer and brought forth his promise…I was so elated…raising 4 children has been my joy in life…I have two wonderful grandsons and now my baby girl is having a baby girl July 2 this year…life does go on after miscarriage and I wait with anticipation to meet my little grown up I guess, Patrick in heaven. Your story is beautiful hope it keeps going on and on Pamela Nipper
Mandy on May 23, 2014 at 12:10 pm
thank you so much for sharing your heart. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have had 4 losses. I have 3 living children. God Bless you mama <3
Carmie on May 25, 2014 at 6:00 pm
Parts of this story are so much like mine. I lost our first baby…for a week i feared what I thought was happening but I clung desperately to hope, trying to convince myself that everything was kind of, sort of normal. Until the last day when I spent most of the day in pain…the next day the doctor confirmed it…I had miscarried the baby. My husband and I were deeply saddened. My excitement for that baby had been barely contained and now it was gone. I had LIFE inside me and suddenly that life was gone. It was a hard time but God has healed us and blessed us now with a beautiful almost 7 month old baby boy. I don't know why God wanted our first baby in heaven with Him…but He did and never once have I been angry with Him for that. God is merciful and good.Thank you for sharing your story!
Lynn Fielding on May 27, 2014 at 7:05 pm
Thank you. thank you but I find myself still seeking help, still seeking to make sense of this world. I have 3 children aged 7, 4 and 3…but I would have 9 (all by my husband)if I had never lost any. I find it hard to love the kids I have. I was never one to hope and dream of being pregnant, or being a mother; I thought pregnancy was humiliating and gross. I foolishly decided to terminate my first 2 pregnancies, one of which were twins. Oh how I miss them. Words cannot describe the guilt of my sins. I keep pleading God not to put any punishment on my husband as he had wanted to keep them… The 3rd pregnancy was destined for the same end, when it ended by itself. The fourth was planned by my husband who decided we needed to start a family. But we lost that one too. The fifth is now whom we know as Massey. When he was born, I wanted nothing to do with him. Until all the nurses abandoned me with him and I kept ringing for help and no one came. I was forced to look after him with any little bit I could and I bonded with him. No one could ever pull him away from me. He was almost three years old when I lost another planned baby. And he had just turned three when our little girl Ariane was born. But she had a deformed oesophagus and had to be air-lifted away for surgery. It was a horrendous snow storm the day I was released from hospital but I still drove the 6 hours to go see her. I could not hold her. She was in that hospital for 6 weeks, having trouble with her lungs collapsing and needing to be taught how to suck. I was not able to breastfeed. Two weeks after she came home, I got pregnant again. This was not planned. I was still in pain from my second C-section. I REALLY did not want another baby. I hate my daughter. I did not want her, why should I, when there was another baby coming? I could not, and would not terminate this one. God had spoken to me. I knew it was wrong to kill a life. But I pleaded Him to take it away. It was a difficult pregnancy. I was not allowed to ride my horses, or lift bags of feed for my rabbits and cats.. Then I started gushing blood and I almost died while my husband sped me off to the hospital. I was airlifted to a hospital 3 hours drive away from my home, from the 2 children that needed me. Sawyer was born 3 months premature. He needed to stay there for 2 whole months. I did not bond with him either. All I wanted to do was sign him away. Now he is three years old. Do I love my kids, yes I do. But I don't feel like I love them the way I should. They annoy me. I swear at them. Yes, the *stupid* Children's Aid came here to help me bond with them. I played all their games and did my homework. Secular, pointless homework. But I feel lately like things are worse. I am so happy and relaxed all day, either here with only one child, or at work as I have started full time, temporarily…but then the kids come home, and I feel like there is a huge pressure weighing down on me. why, oh why do they have to be so loud when they come home? Why do they just throw their stuff everywhere and don't notice I just cleaned and made supper… I end up being really short and impatient and I blow my fuse.. I have taken Anger Management from the Emmaus courses. I might even feel worse. I can't wait till they grow up and all I have is my husband, 2 horses and a dog. Simple. Am I just tired? Do all mothers go through this? I spent an hour online last night trying to figure out if I was really a Christian or not. From the verses I found, I am not. "If you call me 'Master' and yet do not do as I say…the love of God is not in you…" Do you have a suggestion? A book? Encouragement? Don't send the Children's Aid here, please…they always do more harm than good. I need to love my children as much as I cried when I read your story…I need to love my children that are here as much as I miss the ones that God now holds. I want to see them. I don't want to go to hell and never see them again. Most of all, my children are not behaving well at school,..I don't want to be a bad mother whom God will see as responsible for not teaching them to love God; I don't want my kids to go to hell.
Peytyn on May 28, 2014 at 6:38 pm
Thank you so much for this article. It is beautifully written. you have a gift. I cried my eyes out. I too have had two miscarriages, and I felt like I knew exactly what you went through. God was my comfort when I was so saddened and hopeless. Although miscarriage is never something I would wish on anyone, it made me lean so much on Jesus and my faith because you cannot do anything to change the outcome. God is good all the time
Ashley on May 29, 2014 at 11:52 am
Oh wow! Written so beautifully and I must say I feel we are so much alike that it's a bit hmmm….. how to put it nicely. It's a bit shocking! The way you write and think is so like me. I was told since I was 16 that I would have trouble conceiving and here I am after two surgeries I had my first two daughters, Alaina and Bella, but my "miracle" baby. My baby that didn't need a prior procedure. My daughter who had me take four tests to convince me that second line was real. Her name is Caylin Grace. I loved the name Kaylin, but changed the K to a C to stick with the A,B,C theme lol. God Bless you for having the strength to write this, because believe me, you have helped ease so many hearts by doing so. I pray that you find peace knowing that your daughter is in the greatest place possible and you WILL see her again. Much love.
Holly on May 29, 2014 at 5:45 pm
God Bless you for sharing this part of your life journey and story with the world. I know how difficult this had to be to process and put into words, but also how many lives it will bless and touch in such a positive way. You have a beautiful way with words, and sharing the hope we have in Christ. I too share in this hope, and know one day I will see my precious son again, and look to the Lord in times of need because he is our strength when we don't have our own. Your 2 children are adorable and I wish you continued blessings and great joy! Anchored in Christ,
Holly Tusing
Michelle on May 30, 2014 at 12:25 am
Thank you so much for writing this. It touched me more than you can know.
Nicole H on May 30, 2014 at 7:46 am
Thank you for sharing. I have a similar experience. I have learned that God intents everything in our lives for good, to bring Him glory. I have learned that His timing is perfect, unlike our own. And I have learned through my miscarriages how important it is to share our stories that would otherwise go silent, to encourage others, and to proclaim hope when the world says there is nothing left to hope for. Keep on preaching, sister.
Jaime on May 30, 2014 at 2:43 pm
Hi. My name is Jaime. I am 27 years old. Like you, I also lost a child. I was 36 weeks pregnant when we found out that our son was to be born asleep. At the time, I was 21 years old–finishing up my final year of college–doing internships. Overall, it was a stressful time in my life–not to mention, it was an unexpected pregnancy. This left a lot of disappointment and hurtful words exchanged to me when everyone first found out I was pregnant. At the time, I was dating my husband–you know how mom's can be over their little boys. I definitely received discouraging words from his mother.
Anyways…as soon as we lost our son, many people often said "God had a better plan". To me, that was hurtful…and I often felt "How could God have a better plan?" I was in a steady relationship, I knew my husband would step up and be a great dad, I knew I'd be a great mom…so how could God take away my child?" I became Agnostic shortly after because I didn't know what to believe.
Last winter or fall, a friend of mine took me out to dinner and she had expressed that I need to forgive myself, forgive God in order to see my son again in Heaven, etc. Out of pure coincidence, he pastor was at the same restaurant. She asked if I wanted to be saved–I agreed (after much thought). He gave a moving speech to me–one to which I forgot–but I had an out of body experience. Prior to speaking with him…the whole room kinda seemed dark and after speaking with him…the lights seemed brighter. As he was speaking, I thought I saw my son…it was strange and an out of body experience.
Anyways, I do have a long road ahead of me…I want to find who "Jaime" is, I want to find spirituality and develop a better relationship with God, I want to be healthy for future pregnancies, and more importantly, I want to be a mom again someday. I know God will allow my son to bless me with a sibling when the time is right.
Anyways, your blog about your miscarriage is powerful and hits home. Thank you for this incredible post!
Kelly on May 30, 2014 at 9:57 pm
I cried while reading this. I experienced the same loss. I felt the same feelings. When "Heaven Is For Real" came out, it spoke about Colton seeing his sister in Heaven. It all gives me real hope. My husband and I joke about whoever dies first gets to go to heaven and name our first child. Hopefully, it is me. He has horrible taste in names 😉
Krista on June 2, 2014 at 12:10 pm
I wish I could put my experience into words like you have. Over 2 years we lost 2 babies at16 weeks and had a blighted pregnancy. Last summer we were done. But we both felt God tell us to try again. After much trying to convince God he really did not mean that, we obeyed and tried again. I am now holding our 6 week old son.
I am so sorry your experience was bad. I was fortunate to be with a Catholic doctor and Hospitall that valued the life of my babies and treated them and us with love and respect. Our babies had tests done and then were buried in a Catholic cemetery with a ceremony they do for parents who lost babies. They made a horrible experience as easy as they could.
We know God is still good through all of this and had changed our hearts in ways nothing else could.
Taryn Dubois on June 3, 2014 at 6:01 am
Hello Becky
I'm really not the type of person to write comments on these sort of things as i'm normally quite private, but i just had to send you a huge thank you!
This write-up really hit home with me, I have been struggling with my faith at the moment after going through my second miscarriage just over a month ago and after almost two years of trying.
I was struggling with the idea of still loving God after he had done something to hurt my husband and I so much. But the words you have written here have given me a new light on how to look at it. "He held me as that little life slipped into His arms." Wow, wow, wow! I actually take comfort in knowing that the little life i had slipped from my care into His. I don't think anywhere else could be better!
As we take the next steps on our journey to become parents, i am holding onto the comfort that God is walking alongside us during the process.
as i wipe the tears away, I just wanted to say thank you again. your words have truly saved a relationship!
I will definitely share this with my friends that are going through the same struggle in hopes that it will shed light on them too.
Kind Regards
Sara on June 3, 2014 at 11:52 am
Wow. I have 3 angel babies and 1 2.5 year old and another daughter on the way. During the 3 losses I had a lot of people did not understand the heartbreak I was going through. Yes it may have been early, but we had big plans for our babies. I do have to give credit to 1 doctor we had, she took time to explain that we were not to blame, and she cried with us and let us grieve our loss.
one thing I will mention, I was angry at God though for a long time. He knew that all I ever wanted was to be a mom and I couldn't understand why it was taking too long and why He would take that joy away from me. I now realize that He was waiting for Kristina and our new baby to come along.
Stephanie on June 3, 2014 at 12:17 pm
I found this article through another one that was posted on my friend's facebook page. I cannot tell you enough how touching I found this article to be. I suffered through a situation similar to your own, having a miscarriage a week before my initial ultrasound. I knew something was wrong for several days but kept waiting for returned phone calls from doctors. I had called everywhere in my town and the only response I received was from a doctor who told me that as early as I was that most likely my fears were founded and that he would call in a prescription for pain medication and that I would still go to my appointment to confirm in a week. My husband and I were at dinner the Monday before my appointment when the unthinkable happened. He rushed me to the emergency room where everything happened in a blur of anger and hurt.
I found your post to be helpful because at the time I found myself blaming God. Latching onto the anger in any place that I could find. I was mad at God, mad at myself for not pushing for an earlier appointment, mad at the inattentive busy doctors. Thank you so much for writing such a touching post. It is heartwarming to see the hope that can spring from such a horrible experience.
Sarah on June 3, 2014 at 12:56 pm
Natalie on June 5, 2014 at 9:54 am
Your heart and your faith are absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story.
Tina Truelove on June 15, 2014 at 11:20 pm
17 years ago, I held my little baby who weighed 40 grams in my hands. My heart still breaks when I think of that very difficult time in our lives. I was 14 weeks along. He was my third child. We had already heard his heartbeat, saw his thriving little body on an ultrasound, made plans and gave him a name. Then, he was gone. I cried then and sometimes I still cry today. The agony of miscarriage travels deep into the heart but I rest in the promise of seeing my son again someday. I love your phrase, "Praise became my weapon against grief." That is such a profound statement and can be applied to every trial we face. Even in the midst of my deepest grief, I also felt like I had been given a glimpse into Heaven but I had a difficult time communicating that to others; after all, a glimpse into Heaven would be a joyful experience and I felt anything but joy at the time. Those who find comfort in the arms of our Heavenly Father understand how such grief can give you a glimpse into Heaven. Thank you for sharing your story. Though it has been 17 years, I have only been able to share mine privately and in person with a few people. Perhaps sometime soon, I will find the courage to share my story publicly as you just did and others will find comfort in my story as so many have found comfort in yours. I am beginning to become more acquainted with your blog and I look forward to reading much more from you.
Jenn on June 16, 2014 at 10:37 am
Thank you for being so BRAVE to share this personal story, on a topic that is so "taboo" in our culture. No one talks about it, so everyone feels so ALONE when they go through it. Opening up about my loss (and infertility, which goes alone the same lines) has become a major goal to me, so that other women don't feel so alone! The "1 in 4" statistic of pregnancy loss is so scary and so REAL! Yet, when it happens to you, you feel like you're the first. Then you talk about it with those close to you and realize…there have been others. And then more time goes by and you find more and more women who have experienced your pain. And everyone deals with it so differently but it's like you have this immediate "bond" with anyone who has ever lost a baby, because its just nothing you could ever understand unless you've been there. 🙁 It definitely helps knowing there are others, though I'm sure anyone who's been there would never wish that experience on friend or enemy.
Thank you for your openness and willingness to share this story! Your children are gorgeous!
Lisa Joy on June 16, 2014 at 5:11 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I sit hear with silent tears streaming, as I remember our own journey. Last fall, we lost 2 babies in less than 2 months. It was the most devastating thing I have ever been through. But, like you shared, God's grace is enough. It really, truly is. He has been SO gentle with me, holding me when I just couldn't, speaking His love and truth to my shattered heart. Like you, God gave me a vision of our sweet baby girl, and led me to the names we chose for and for our precious little boy. I am SO thankful that God's love, His grace, His promises are not dependent on our feelings or our circumstances. Again, thank you so much and God bless!
Victoria on June 17, 2014 at 12:20 am
After reading this, tears streaming down my face, I want to Thank you! Thank you for putting into words almost exactly what I went through in 2009. Yes, my praise became my weapon against the pain and grief. For all I knew was my world had collapsed around me and the only thing I had to hold on to was God, Jesus, and His promises! My faith was my only solace! Then in 2010 due to my faith, my next pregnancy was TWINS! To honor God/Jesus for my blessings, I gave them Hebrew middle names meaning "Answered by God" and "God Promised"! Noting after all my prayers God did answer my request and then promised me one more! Praise His Holy Name. God bless you!
Kevin Kukla on June 17, 2014 at 3:38 pm
Thanks for opening / continuing the dialogue on miscarriage.
I, myself, have lost five babies to miscarriage, including twin boys at 18 weeks.
I wrote a testimony of my experience as a grieving father on my blog. Here is the link: http://prolife365.com/lostfatherhoodbymiscarriage
God bless,
-Kevin Kukla
Jaime on June 23, 2014 at 1:09 am
I came across your site from a article that is circulating on my facebook wall from several friends. My second pregnancy ended in a very unexpected miscarriage. I went in for a regular monthly checkup. Doctor asked me how I was feeling before I laid back to have the doppler pressed on my stomach to listen for that sweet little heartbeat. I felt fine, now complications just tired like I was during my first pregnancy. He turned the doppler on and pressed down. Nothing. My heart stopped, maybe he just missed the baby. He moved the doppler across my belly, once, twice and I just stared at my husband. I couldnt breath. I thought my heart was going to burst. He called the sonogram tech in and she confirmed that the baby was indeed gone. My baby, who had been living inside of me for the last 16 weeks was gone. I cried out thinking it couldnt be true. The worst part was knowing that I would have to deliver a baby I wouldnt get to watch grow up. I spent new years eve and new years day in the hospital. I thank God I wasnt in nearly as much pain as they said I would be. I am writing this now as we have moved past this and are expecting our third child (I will always love my second even though they are not here). I have been terrified this entire pregnancy. It has not been easy but I am trying to forgive myself for being so bitter the last few months about losing the baby that was suppose to be born this month, the month I found out I was pregnant again. There is hope after miscarriage. Find the support you need, whether it be God, family or a friend.
Lindsay on June 23, 2014 at 10:26 am
I am so sorry for your loss. I just miscarried on Mother's Day and completely understand the pain that you experienced. As Christians, we believe that life begins at conception and that no life is unworthy. We have hope in the Resurrection and rest in the fact that your baby is waiting for you in Heaven!
I had many people to guide me through the miscarriage process and I have a prolife OB who understands the sacredness of every life, including the short life of my baby Arielle. I am so sorry for your experience within the hospital.
For other people you know who go through this process, there are many Catholic cemeteries that have started to take miscarried babies pro-bono. There is also a website that sells caskets for miscarried babies. http://www.heavensgain.com. If anything, you can bury the baby in the backyard or on consecrated ground.
Heather on June 24, 2014 at 12:52 pm
Thank you so much for your post. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at about the same point as yours. Of course, I was completely devastated but I felt and still feel very strongly that I will someday be with my precious Lizzie. I have been incredibly blessed with 2 beautiful girls since then and my husband and I have begun talking about the possibility of adopting a baby in the next couple of years. God is so good!
Erin on June 26, 2014 at 2:23 pm
Thanks for sharing your story. It was beautifully written. I to have had to say goodbye before hello. I unfortunately have three babies that i will never get to meet. My husband and i have been dealing with infertility for 5 years. In Nov 2010 i had surgery on my heart shaped uterus. Dr discovered i had a septum that needed to be removed. If i ever where to get pregnant i would miscarry as there was not enough room in there. In March 2011 i got pregnant the cycle after our first failed iui. I was on top of the world. It was short lived. Easter weekend of that year i rushed to the hospital in lots of pain. Dr said it was beginning of miscarriage a few days later my beta levels confirmed it as they where going down so dr's said they where not worried about ectopic pregnancy. However since i had my first ultrasound scheduled for the following wednesday i decided to keep the appt . They did ultrasound and bloodwork. They said there was no evidence of a uterine pregnancy and blood work had confirmed that Beta levels had shot back up. I was forced to end the pregnancy as it was not viable. Thankfully they caught it when they did as it saved both of my tubes. This past Dec 2013 i learned i was pregnant again. This time i suspected twins as i had two eggs. The day after we found out i am pretty sure i passed a fetal sac. I went for my first ultrasound at 5 weeks or so. Because it was so early they could not see heart beat but they did confirm that this one was in the correct spot at least. Christmas that year I thought would be fantastic. Instead in the middle of it all while playing with two of my brand new baby nieces who where born 13 days apart in August 2013 i was having a miscarriage. I had three trips to the er before they could figure it out. Really three trips. I sat there for 3 hours before they saw me even when i told them i was bleeding heavily. Even with all the blood i was losing they where not concerned. Hemoglobin levels where fine as they said. So far 2 pregnancies that and no babies except for the ones i have in heaven. Makes me sad i try to have faith that one day it will happen for us. I keep thinking that maybe there is a reason that both tubes where saved after my ectopic. At least i choose the think that way. I truly believe that there is a reason for everything even if we don't always know why. All i know is that without God i would not be able to go thru all this.
Courtney S on June 28, 2014 at 11:08 pm
Thank you for sharing your heart with us! I know how hard that had to be to write. There are no words to truly show how much my heart needed to hear that!
JA on July 2, 2014 at 12:03 pm
I had a miscarriage in Nov 2013 and recently on June 1st. It has broken my heart into pieces. In November I found out at five weeks and in June in about 6 weeks. It has been hard. I think about my November miscarriage and think " I would have had my baby in July". It breaks my heart but I know that God is holding me and your story has blessed me. Thank you. I feel like I don't feel comfortable to share my story with people and express myself. Thank you for your testimony.
JA on July 2, 2014 at 12:14 pm
I had a miscarriage in Nov 2013 and recently on June 1st. It has broken my heart into pieces. In November I found out at five weeks and in June in about 6 weeks. It has been hard. I think about my November miscarriage and think " I would have had my baby in July". It breaks my heart but I know that God is holding me and your story has blessed me. Thank you. I feel like I don't feel comfortable to share my story with people and express myself. Thank you for your testimony.
Kerry on July 2, 2014 at 12:24 pm
I've read this ever night since I miscarried our baby on Saturday afternoon. It's been less than a week but as much as I hurt and feel like I am about to loose it, i'm also determined to try and find hope from whats happened.
It was fast for me too, like your experience, and I saw what it looked like, like you did too. I didn't know what to expect and so i am taking comfort from your words because I know that I am not alone with how I feel and what has happened.
You have reminded me that our loss is real and no matter what, it was a baby, one we made, so even at 6 weeks, I wont ever let anyone try and pass this experience off as anything other than loss. life changing loss.
Thank you so much for your words. They are keeping me going x
Alissa on July 6, 2014 at 12:38 am
This is the first time I have seen or read your blog. I recently shared my own experience with miscarriages through my own blog with friends and family. One of my dear friends sent me a link to your blog. I must tell you that I love the hope and joy you have in your life through Christ. He has been holding me for the past week as I mourn the loss of my second unborn child. Reading this and finding so many similarities between our feelings of loss and God's goodness has eased the painstaking loneliness that has been trying to bring me into doubt.
Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you for posting this!
Angela white on July 10, 2014 at 6:05 am
Dear Becky,
I so understand how you feel. You article is dead on the money. I too have lost babies due to premature births and pregnancies multiple. There's no way to describe how it makes you feel. Thanks for sharing.
Alisha on July 21, 2014 at 10:19 am
I sent this to my husband with the subject line, "This is my new favorite blogger – she gets me."
Your words were salve to my heart. We miscarried three times, and one, last October, was so similar to this. We are now 20 weeks pregnant (tomorrow!) with our miracle baby girl and praising and trusting and (still) crying our way through it. So, all this to say, I hope you can also feel the bond because we're now practically BFFs. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story!
Ruth on July 21, 2014 at 6:38 pm
I have not experience a miscarriage, but I have lost my newborn son. I wanted to share how my faith has gotten much, much stronger since losing my son. Corbin was born with serious heart defects in 2011. We had no idea, no warning. He had three heart surgeries before he passed away. God was with me the whole time. There was a time when I witnessed a mother come into the Ronald McDonald house we were staying at and was saying goodbye after the death of her son. I heard God tell me "that will be you", but I ignored it. I didn't want to believe it but in my heart I knew Corbin would never come home.
After he passed, I could not sit still. I immediately went to work on getting help on passing a bill that requires every newborn in WV to be screened for heart defects. It passed in just three months and went into effect January 2013. It is my greatest achievement and I give God all the credit. God gave me this child and took him home which gave me the motivation to make a change. I lost my son but he has the greatest legacy I can think of. He is saving lives now. My little Peanut will never truly die..he lives on through all the babies he is helping to save through his bill.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am currently pregnant with my rainbow baby and God has already given me a vision of her…I have seen my daughter and I know she will live.
God bless. Corbin's mom- thecorbinstory.com
Maura on July 23, 2014 at 1:07 pm
Thank you for sharing this. I miscarried about a month ago and I have been struggling with trying to understand God's plan for me and where to go from here. Your testimony reminded me that God is always there and His love never leaves us and that He does indeed have a plan for me. Thank you for being brave enough to write about your experience, it truly is a gift from God
Becky C. on July 24, 2014 at 4:22 pm
A year ago I would not have been able to read this, but I believe God showed me this today as I approach the one year anniversary of the passing of my baby. I sit here today, in front of the computer, 38 weeks pregnant because of God's love and healing strength. Without his amazing love I would not have been able to heal emotionally so effectively. I look forward to seeing whom I believe was my little boy, Nathan, one day. Thank you for sharing your story.
Callie on July 24, 2014 at 11:27 pm
Simply said-thank you….thank you…
Ariel on July 27, 2014 at 11:34 pm
Thank you so much for this. I read this via a friends FB post a few months ago… for some reason it struck chord with me… I couldn't forget about it… I found out why a month ago.
I married my childhood sweetheart last November 2013, after a few months of marriage we decided that we had very little reason to wait before having a baby. I went off the pill (partially because it was making my a bit crazy). I knew before I knew. I used to think people were crazy when they said that, but somehow you just know. I was 4 weeks along and my husband was shocked in the best way. We were thrilled. As excited as he was, for some reason something told me not to get too attached to the idea of having a baby, and I couldn't get this blog post out of my mind. In a way I was prepared when the pain and bleeding started less than a week later but my heart still breaks thinking about the baby that wont be in my arms on March 1st, 2015. This blog entry helped me keep more perspective than I thought possible through the pain. The Lord allowed me to feel the love only a mother knows and has given me the peace that all is not lost. It is still hard to see close friends announce their pregnancies. I am of course full of love and excitement for them… but there is jealousy and sadness that creeps it's way into my heart. "Why couldn't I keep my baby?" I ask my husband through sobs in moments of weakness. He has been all the support he knows how to be. This is not easy, but without knowledge of the Lord and his plan for us I would truly feel lost. Thank you for reminding me to have faith and hope in my God. Yours is a beautiful example.
celeste on July 30, 2014 at 3:55 am
Wept so much, we lost our precious 16 week year old 'Patience Providence Morrison' 15.5.14 to a Partial Molar Pregnancy (Miscarriage) and we love her dearly, and thank God she is with the Lord. Thank you for sharing your story, I am sorry it was so painful and yet God brought good out of it all. Love in Him, Celeste
Julie on August 3, 2014 at 5:52 pm
This is so beautiful. I have had five miscarriages during my life. I never got to hold my children in my arms and after many years of trying IVF, I accepted that children were not meant to be a part of my life. I am facing huge challenges with my elderly parents' failing health but I am hoping that the strength I found then will help me through one of the most difficult times of my life now.
Thank you again for sharing this
Andrea on August 3, 2014 at 9:26 pm
Thank you!
I had one miscarriage between my two children (7yr & 6mo). I do not share with you the experience, or the level of devastation and grief that you did….not every loss is the same or felt in the same way at the same time….but it was heavy and hard and I still grieve over it today…….with hope. Profound hope! Through my tug of war grief that I felt over thankfulness for my precious son, then guilt for being thankful because to have my son required losing a child, God showed me His grace. God showed me that through his grace I did not LOSE a child, I gained a forever child. Without that precious baby, I would have only two children, but because of God's grace I now have three, and yes I only get to know two of them in this life, but the reward is greater in the fact that I will have three FOREVER in the next. So I choose to no longer see it as a loss, but as a devine gift.
My hope is that someone else will read this and find the same feeling of love, and hope and grace, and that their feeling of loss will be a little lighter. God Bless.
Claire on August 4, 2014 at 7:32 am
Thank you so much for sharing your story, it is really encouraging to hear how God has strengthened you during this difficult time and provided you with beautiful children.
Myself and my husband have just been through a miscarriage at 14 weeks. Like you I knew something was wrong and we prayed to God that he would protect the tiny baby even though I was bleeding and in pain. This happened nearly 7 wdeks ago now. We hadn't told loads of people apart from family and close friends as wellas our vicar at church there love and support has been incredible.
God has been with us through the whole journey from pregnancy to lposing the baby we believe our little baby is in heaven with him and one day we will be able to meet them. I've just read the book heaven is for real which has been fantastic for this time, I would recommend it.
Worship has played a huge part of the healing process for me and being anle to cry knowing God is with me.
Your stroy has also helped with how I feel now as we are trying again and hope we will have another baby soon, praying God protects us all and from the fear of what if it helps again.
Thank you for sharing your story, God has truly blessed you and you are a strong woman of faith. Claire x x x
Anya on August 6, 2014 at 9:25 am
Thank you so much for writing this post, i just 2 weeks ago went through this same exact experience with my first pregnancy. I couldn't hold back the tears while reading this.. Its as if you were writing my story.
Your hope and courage is so inspiring. God knows what he is doing even though we don't understand it and maybe never will.
I am excited and so scared to try again, i cant go through through all of that twice.. =/
May God Bless you and your beautiful children.
Carly Hutton on August 11, 2014 at 7:10 pm
I stumbled across your website randomly today…but I believe it was not so random, after all.
I lost my first baby almost 4 weeks ago. It feels surreal to even type that.
In my case, it was a "blighted ovum," which means that the fertilized egg never grew, but there were enough hormones to convince my body that I was growing a baby for almost 8 weeks. I am still reeling from the unpredictable grief, and my hormone levels are finally starting to level off again.
Thank you for sharing your story, and reinforcing that hope and joy God has given you through a picture of your gorgeous children. You've reminded that all the fears and doubts I've almost embraced are indeed lies, and that I can keep praising my God because he is still good.
Ashton on August 14, 2014 at 2:12 am
This post has touched my heart. I don't think it was coincidence that I came across this today. I lost my baby 4 1/2 years ago at 14 weeks. I can't begin to describe the pain I felt, both emotionally and physically. It was such a horrible experience. And the past couple of weeks it has been on my mind a lot… I had bled for over a month and the baby was fine. Already had a scheduled c-section and was all set to deliver at 28 weeks. I can remember telling them that something was wrong..something just wasn't right. That it was absolutely nothing like my first pregnancy. My OB went above and beyond to help me through that time. On March 20th, 2010 I started having sharp pains. By the end of that night, I told my fiance that I believed it was contractions. We rushed to the hospital. After an ultrasound confirmed that everything was fine, I was admitted to the maternity ward. On March 21st, 2010 at 7 pm I gave birth to my angel. He was so tiny, but oh so perfect. He had ten toes and ten fingers and you could just tell that his smile would have been just like his big sister's. But in my heart I knew that it just wasn't meant to be and that my baby boy was now in the arms of Jesus and with my mother in heaven. I tried for months afterwards to blame God. For days, I just laid in the bed and cried. I only left the house for a small funeral that we planned for him. He was placed beside my mother's grave. A year or so later, as we were leaving the cemetery, my daughter asked why she never got to meet her little brother.. or why she couldn't play with him like all her friends did with their brothers and sisters.. I broke down and started crying.. All I could tell her was that her Grams (grandmother) needed to be able to sing and rock her brother to sleep, just like mommy does to her. And that God needed another angel to watch after her… I still wonder what my little boy would look like.. how he would act.. and I ask Why? But then I remember that God has a plan, even if we don't like that plan. God is good. I hope to one day have another child. But if not, I'm okay with that. God not only blessed me with a beautiful daughter, but with a precious angel I will someday get to meet. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Mandy on August 14, 2014 at 11:28 pm
My friend on Facebook reposted your last blog post. I read it and started to explore your site.
This week I experienced a miscarriage, one that was devastating to me, as we have been trying for some time. At the hospital when it all started to happen, I had a vision of a blue eye blonde girl that kept flashing before my eyes when I closed them. Your blog post made me revisit what God was trying to show me. I have found comfort and understanding in what you have written and realized I needed to revisit my relationship with God. Thank you for your strength and determination to write this post without hesitation. Your trust in God is refreshing and honourable.
I have re-read the post many times now, each time I come out with a different connection and thoughtful moment in my prayers to The Lord,
You have helped me more than words can express. Thank you!
Meghan on September 11, 2014 at 10:05 am
I had a miscarriage four years ago, and the pain is still there. This article provided a bit more healing. Thank you!
Alli on September 13, 2014 at 7:06 am
A link on my newfeed brought me to this blog post this morning and for that I am forever grateful. On 9/17/11, I lost my baby at 7w, just two days after we heard the heartbeat for the first time. We had been told that I was going to miscarry because of all of the cramping, etc. I will always cherish those 7 weeks that I had with my sweet baby. Though it was too early to know if we were having another baby boy or if we were finally going to have our sweet girl, something told me a few weeks later while I was driving that we had lost another baby boy. I had this overwhelming sensation of "BLUE" (color) and I suddenly felt at peace. My father died December 2000 and I had asked him and God to show me signs that my baby was okay. I got more than that. I felt better knowing that my baby was with God and with his Grandpa Jody and all of the other sweet babies that had lost their lives too soon.
KRISTY MAHON on September 18, 2014 at 11:33 am
OMG Becky! These are my words. My experiences written out in an eloquent and truthful manner far better than I could have ever put it. From the joy of seeing that first double pink line, to the emotional pain of sitting in a room full of other pregnant woman to the physical pain of actual labor… I was there. And God was there with me in all of it. I lost my husband in a divorce after my miscarriage. So, I have never experienced a pregnancy since my lost. I do still have faith tho! Faith in God. Faith that one day I will be blessed either with children of my own, or adopted and a daddy to love them. Thank you so much for sharing. <3 Kristy
patricia on September 26, 2014 at 8:07 pm
Thank you so much for this.I lost a baby about a year and a half ago. I would've been 6 weeks when we saw on the ultrasound where our baby had been. I have since had a daughter andI had my son prior to the miscarriage. My entire pregnancy with my daughter was spent half scared I was going to lose her too. I got into a car wreck when I was 7 months pregnant and was terrified for my unborn daughter and I wanted to cry when I heard her heartbeat at the hospital and felt her move. I was heartbroken over losing the baby and had a hard time dealing with it. I found solace in friends at church. One of the things that kept me from being paralyzed by it was knowing that my child was with Jesus and loved ones in heaven and I will meet her one day. God bless you.
Emily on October 1, 2014 at 2:53 pm
I lost a baby around 12 weeks. I had no pain, no problems other than a little bleeding until I had the actual miscarriage. I was so so very sad, but the Lord made Himself known to me in a way that I had never experienced before. I felt His love and grace, and strength and peace that I just will never be able to explain to anyone. Yes I struggled, yes I was sad and disappointed and grieving, but not one time did I feel that He had left me alone in my grief. Three months after I miscarried I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. My son who is 4 years older and she have just completed my life. I consider them gifts everyday. I'm not the best or most grateful mom, but this post blessed my heart. When I was going through my grief I read somewhere that some souls are just too precious to live here on earth. So I know that I have a precious baby waiting in Heaven for me. Thank you.
Angela B on October 4, 2014 at 4:52 am
Thank you so very much for this. I am currently miscarrying my second child. I am hurting, but hopeful. Your post encourages me and reminds me everything is going to be ok. Please keep me in your prayers.
Hannah on October 17, 2014 at 7:50 am
I have read many blogs about miscarriage but yours really spoke to me. I love your authenticity and your willingness to let God use your hurt for good. I have a beautiful 3 year old daughter who I love insanely. My pregnancy and delivery with her was by the book. So perfect. We decided we were ready to have more children when she was around 2 years old. We found out we were pregnant and shared the news with absolutely everyone. We had no fear at all because the first time was perfect. When we went in for our first appointment at 9 weeks, we found out the "pregnancy was not viable." We were devastated and in complete shock. I opted to have a D&C. Eventually we tried again… and again we found out at the first appointment that the "pregnancy was not viable." More heartbreak. We found out we were pregnant again in July of this year. Obviously, we were scared to death. I was very proactive and called the OB and pestered them until they would do some bloodwork for me. Then I had to call and pester them about the results. This went on for days. I finally find out that my progesterone is very low. Thank God I was proactive or we never would have known that! The doctor put me on progesterone pills. I had a scare a few days later and begged the doctor to see me. We went in to confirm miscarriage but he showed us the little bean and the flutter of a heartbeat! We were beyond thrilled! Went in a week later and we saw the bean again and got to hear our babies strong heartbeat. I went shopping that night to buy outfits for a photoshoot to announce the pregnancy. While at the store, I started having bad pain and had to run to the bathroom. I knew this was not a good sign. The next day at work it got real bad. I drove myself to the ER, my husband and mom met me there… and after multiple tests the doctor came in and said that I was in the process of miscarrying. The baby had no heartbeat and was very low down. I sat in silence. My mom came over to me and the flood gates opened. I sobbed. We actually heard the heartbeat this time. Our baby was alive just 24 hours earlier… and now he/she was gone and I was being rolled into the OR for another D&C. The pain and loss was intense.
I am so upset that the doctors are not proactive. It took 2 previous miscarriages and multiple phone calls to the office to get them to even do bloodwork. Now that I've had 3 miscarriages they are finally willing to do further testing.
I know that God uses our hurt and pain for good. I am very open about my miscarriages in hopes that others will feel comfortable opening up about their pain and loss. God has already sent many ladies my way that have just needed someone who knew the heartache. I thank God for the opportunity to share with them and help them. I thank God that my miscarriages serve a purpose. But I still hurt and I still grieve. I still get angry and I still wonder. I still worry God may not gift us with another child. But deep down I know he loves me. I know he loves each of my babies. I know He has a plan. Trust and faith are two very hard things though.
All that to say… thank you. We need to share our stories to let women know they are not alone in there sadness. Just knowing someone else understands is so powerful. Continue to let God use you. 🙂
Jodi on October 23, 2014 at 5:19 am
I am sitting here sobbing after reading your story, and I don't know if it is because of the terrible heartbreak or the renewal of faith that I so desperately need. In 1986 I delivered a full term stillborn son. I had suffered amniotic fluid embolus during delivery. I should not have survived so when I woke up I knew there was no way my son had survived. I was still on a respirator when I wrote a note saying that I wanted to donate his organs. Turns out there was a 10 month old little girl in another state that had been born with a non-functioning liver. I was told they had pretty much given up on finding a donor due to a rare blood type. As it turned out my son and her were a perfect match and his liver gave this little girl a chance at life. My grief was short knowing that Danny did his task and went back home to be with Jesus. I have just been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and I am having a real hard time dealing with the fear. I know that God is there in all things and that no matter the outcome it is His will, but this fear is gripping me tight. Reading your story has helped me to focus on faith and trust in Him and I will try to hang on to this respite as long as I can. Thank you so very much for your story.
Value jones on October 26, 2014 at 8:25 pm
That was a beautiful story. I lost my first baby when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I too often wonder of that lost child. Part of that list child will always be in our hearts & memory.
Today I have a beautiful daughter & son ages 31 & 28. Your story brought me back 32 years ago.
Your faith in God is strong God is a loving & awesome God. In all things give thanks. Thanks for sharing your kids are beautiful, enjoy them they grow up so fast.
Jen Ellis on October 28, 2014 at 12:43 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this. I sobbed through it because I have been there and ever year when the due dates of my lost ones come around I remember them. I have 5 children now and 2 of them would not be here had the other pregnancy continued to full term. And while many do not understand, I love them all and wish that somehow I could have held, raised, and gotten to know them all. But I am so thankful for God's goodness for the ones He has allowed me to know. I look forward to the day that I can come face to face with the ones that have gone on ahead of me to with Him.
Elizabeth on November 3, 2014 at 11:28 am
That last phrase… "While there are times that my heart still aches to know the child, there is no greater peace than the assurance that she is held safely in the arms of Jesus… the same arms that hold me today."
that brought me to tears!! it puts what I feel about my miscarriage to words.
thank you for this post.
Crystal on November 6, 2014 at 2:46 pm
I recently came across your blog and in doing so saw this article posted at the top of the list saying is you are new read this. This article even though written to share your story with others has touched many lives in the process. I have suffered 2 miscarriages one of my sweet Ariana Faith in Aug of 2010 and just recently of my Son Declan James on Sep 30, 2014. In both instances the it felt like my body was betraying me. Did God not create a woman to create sustain and carry a life within her? Why could my body not do so past the 4 month period. But with each loss there comes a peace in knowing that no matter what I will see my children again and that my faith is stronger. I do not blame God but lean into him for the strength to carry me from day to day; to help me function from one small task to another. As I read this article I could not help but relate to every word you spoke with tears streaming down my face. I know that God gave you a great gift as a writer because your words are given to heal those who are broken and hurting in so many ways. Thank you for sharing your life, your joys, your pains, and most importantly you faith and trust in God.
Janelle on November 6, 2014 at 4:46 pm
This is one of the most beautifully documented experiences about miscarriages that I have read. While it reminds me of the pain I felt when I lost my child at 20 weeks, it is yet a reminder that with God and thru God, any and all things are possible. Thank you for being brave enough to share. God bless you & your sweet family!
HEIDI on November 6, 2014 at 4:56 pm
I am with the hundreds of other women thanking you for this post, and crying while reading it! After being told that my husband and I would never conceive without medical intervention, I found out I was pregnant at the end of July. Overjoyed does not even adequately describe how excited I was! At the time, I wasn't aware of how pregnancy weeks were calculated using the start date of your last period, so at my first appt, I was surprised to see the computer screen said 9w 2d, but that was just that much more exciting… until the ultrasound showed a sac without a heartbeat. I went back a week later for another ultrasound- that showed some progress, but still no heartbeat. My husband and I held onto the hope that progress was good, and assumed I had just ovulated late and everything was going fine- that I just wasn't as far along as we had originally thought. My doc had me come in again the following week, and my husband wasn't able to go to that appt with me, unfortunately. I was so excited to go- and I just KNEW the doc was going to give me a due date in April. April is when my Dad passed away, so I was so happy that my family would have something so happy around that time of extreme sadness. That appt ended up being the one I needed him with me the most, because it was when my doc told me there was still no heartbeat, and hadn't been any progress. I was absolutely devastated, but strangely comforted at the same time. I knew (and still know) that God hadn't put the desire for children in my heart so long ago to not bring it to fruition. Up until very recently, I just thought those children were going to come from adoption (which we plan on, whether or not we have biological children). Now we know that despite what doctors tell us, it IS possible for us to conceive naturally! I ended up having a D&C at about 11 weeks, and that was almost 2 months ago. I am nowhere near "over" our miscarriage, and I doubt I ever will be. But I definitely have hope after miscarriage, and for that, I am so very grateful. It's still very helpful though, to read the stories of other women who have been down this road, so again, Thank you!
christabelle on November 6, 2014 at 7:26 pm
This post, this post was so amazing. I found your website after reading a post from the other day about Chick-Fil-A. This post touched me so incredibly deep because last December we found out our son was going to be a big brother and after what felt like weeks of pain and fear, in January I saw the baby's heartbeat, and that afternoon I was sitting in the ER in a mess… but my praise like yours wound up being my biggest weapon against the grief trying to overcome me. The day after our miscarriage was confirmed I had Isaiah 43 spoken to me and I have held so deeply onto that. God is and has remained my refuge and my hope. Thank you so much for writing this, God bless you!!
Gennifer Jackson on November 6, 2014 at 7:40 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this story. Just….thank you. I needed to read this tonight.
Megan on November 6, 2014 at 8:16 pm
Tears are streaming down my face after reading this. Thank you for sharing your story. Years ago I strayed away from The Lord and in that season I engaged in sexual sin and became pregnant. I lost the baby at 8 weeks. I had never been through something so painful and yet I knew that the pregnancy and miscarriage were both results of my lifestyle of disobedience. This event was cataclysmic for my faith and even though it was my sin that brought me down that road, God met me there in mercy. Much healing and restoration took place in the years that followed.
Fast forward 6 years. This year I married an amazing man of God who loved me so much he only kissed me twice before we married. We walked in purity. We made wise choices. God redeemed both of our broken pasts in ways we never imagined possible. Three months into our marriage, I found out I was expecting a baby. Not "our plan" but by virtue of how we approached family planning, we knew it was possible. We were thrilled. But from day one I *knew* something was wrong.
My husband and I went to the Dr ASAP. She didn't even examine me, she just told me everything I was describing was natural and normal and to come back in 3 weeks for my new OB appointment. (Side note: same doc who tried to put me on birth control 4 times in a previous appointment… Never liked her!)
My husband and I laughed and cried and went to target to buy some prenatal vitamins. We laughed some more then parted ways to each put in a half day at work.
And the next time I went to the bathroom, I saw some blood.
The Dr called the next day and said they didn't like my levels.
And when I woke up on the 3rd day, my basal temp had dropped. Within 15 minutes after my husband left for work, I began to cramp and bleed heavily. I held clots of blood in my hand looking to find the baby, but never did. I just kept thinking, I don't want to flush my baby down the toilet. It was heart wrenching and devastating. I went for follow up bloodwork, and by the end of the day they had confirmed what I already knew: there was no life in my womb.
I've struggled so much these past 4 months. It hurts far worse than my previous loss, because this treasure was conceived with my husband, and because unlike my first loss, I didn't do anything to deserve this. It just was something God allowed. And I don't understand why.
I know He is good, and by His grace I will proclaim that until the day I die. But right now, oh how I ache.
Hardly anyone knows my story, and I often feel alone. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding me that I am not alone.
Marissa on November 6, 2014 at 11:50 pm
So sorry for your loss and so glad that the grace of God has carried you through. I cried when reading this article it was very powerful!!
Nicole on November 7, 2014 at 3:58 pm
It almost felt like reading what I'd write if I wrote my experience. I had periodic spotting on and off for 2 months shortly after I found out I was pregnant with my second. I kept going to the doctor asking for help, with this gut feeling that I was going to miscarry – even before the spotting began. And for 2 months they did labs and would send me home telling me everything was fine. It was Mother's Day 2005 and we were standing in Target when it happened. My husband rushed me to the hospital just to be told to sit in the waiting room, which we did for 2 hours.. the whole time, I was sitting, literally, in my 'loss.' Humiliation is not something that needs to be added on top of that kind of grief. I went on to miscarry a second time but then had 2 more beautiful girls after those losses. So I literally can relate to every word you've written. The blessings are so much richer after a loss, don't you think?
Jess on November 7, 2014 at 9:56 pm
Thank you for sharing your story, Im not sure I would be or could be strong enough to share ours details and all. We are pregnant now after a miscarriage and there is never a moment without fear, thank you for making it so I dont feel alone or silly or anything else and weirdly enough this cry this helped so Thank you.
Chris Kirchmeier on November 8, 2014 at 10:51 pm
Thanks for sharing this beautiful story. This came to me the morning my wife and I had to go in for a DNC.
Our eyes never knew you
But our hearts always did
Touched us immensely
Then you went and hid
You had your reasons
We had our love
Your brief stint
Was a gift from above
We will always hold you
Deep within our hearts
The little love that swifted
Off in golden parts
We are watching you go
On this day today
But you will be loved by us
In every human way
Our ode, our tribute,
Our song unheard
Will be shared by us
With no spoken word
Thank you for allowing us
To love deeply once again
Until we see you on the other plane
Keep up your angel's grin
Paula York on November 10, 2014 at 6:25 am
Becky, you have a wonderful gift of expressing God"s love and your experiences. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I believe this story will be an inspiration to many women who have had miscarriages as I did many years ago. I have two grown children and God has been so good to me. I didn't have the maturity in Christ at an early age but I am learning more every day about following God the way that I should. God Bless you!
Donna Sterling on November 10, 2014 at 8:05 am
Dear Becky, I just stumbled upon this site but just wanted to jot a few thoughts. First, I would like to apologize for the heartless doctor that you saw in the very beginning. I too lost a child at 21 weeks. They should have had you come in immediately. I am married to a doctor and what they did was truly unforgivable and unprofessional. Enough said because I am seething about that! I have walked in your shoes and to this day (I am 61) I still think of that life that was once a part of me but was taken for some reason. I truly believe that in "all good time" we will meet our special little cherub. There is a hole in your life forever but just walk around the hole and continue on. Thank you for sharing your story. Many women can relate and perhaps someone who is still grieving because they walked in your shoes will benefit from your story and pay it forward. We are all Sisters! God bless you and your family!
Beth on November 11, 2014 at 11:12 am
I would spring to my feet clapping, if you could see me!
I have gone down this road of baby loss 9 times. Thankfully, I also have 8 living children. My most recent loss was a few months ago. I have been grieving what would have been my due date.
Thank you for the reminder of hope we have in Christ.
Christina on November 11, 2014 at 2:12 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Though I'm reading this a year later, God has used you and your words to minister to me now. I have recently gone through two miscarriages this year, and I do not have any children yet. You have put what I have been feeling into beautiful words and given me hope for the future and what God has planned for me. Thank you for being brave enough to share and allowing God to use you. Blessings!
Leslie Ratzlaff on November 11, 2014 at 2:56 pm
I am a retired RN and worked in a busy ER in Northcentral Kansas. We had a wonderful program for mothers, fathers and all family members when a miscarriage happened. It was started by the OB nurses and they compiled a folder of information, poems, helpful websites and their names and phone numbers in the OB Department if the mother or other family member needed help, to talk, guidance, whatever. Each woman was contacted after a period of time to ensure that she could be helped if she needed it.
Each mother to be was treated with love and compassion as were the family members. There was a form to fill out if a funeral was to be held. These grieving couples were given hope and love at a time when they were the most devastated.
I appreciate your story and hope that maybe you or someone can be instrumental in starting a program like this in the local hospitals.
Love and blessings, Leslie Ratzlaff
Rachel on November 12, 2014 at 3:11 pm
What a beautiful story. I am still healing after 2 miscarriages in 4 months. My husband got a vasectomy after the second and it has brought on so much more pain that I thought it would. We have 5 beautiful children and times are hard. many days I am not sure exactly what we are going to do but the one thing I do know is that God saved me over and over. He let me pound my fists on him while I cried and felt such a deep dispair. In the end he has blessed be and is still helping me on my healing journey. I am glad to of had my faith to get me through. Thank you for sharing your story.
Karen on November 17, 2014 at 11:48 pm
Thank you for sharing this. It helped me cry and mourn my own loss. I had a miscarriage in September at 11 weeks. Already having had 4 successful pregnancies, I wasn't prepared for it.
My story was similar to yours in some ways, which is why it made me cry. I started cramping and bleeding, but, being new to the area, wasn't an established patient yet and didn't feel like any of the doctor's offices I called cared. It was the ultimate in frustration. My baby is dying, I'm reaching out for help, and there is no one to help me. Something should definitely be done differently in the medical field to at least provide comfort and support in these situations.
I tried to rest and keep praying, but I was quickly losing hope each time I saw how much blood there was. The next night I passed what I was pretty sure was the baby. Feeling numb emotionally and in shock, I called the doctor's office the next day to ask if I should still come in. They said I should go the ER. What? I already had the miscarriage, what are they going to do? Why didn't they tell me to go the ER before I lost the baby? Not that there was anything they could have done about it.
So I waited for the appointment the following day, and they brought me in like I was a new OB patient. They wanted to do bloodwork and everything. I kept telling them that I had had a miscarriage. The way the whole thing was handled, you'd think this was the first time they'd ever seen a miscarriage! The reason I came in was for them to confirm the miscarriage on an ultrasound, but there was none in the office. So I had to make an appointment to go to the hospital in a different city the following week just to get an ultrasound!
The miscarriage was an ordeal in and of itself, but the treatment I received seemed to add a great deal of stress to it. After the ultrasound confirmed my fears, I was able to finally grieve. God comforted us as only He can. And I was thankful my body had done things naturally and that I didn't need any procedures.
I held onto God's goodness… I was tempted to doubt… we'd had several disappointments in life recently. I just had to put it all at his feet and not let hope die.
We'll never forget that baby and look forward to seeing him/her in heaven someday. But, we also rejoice in the fact that God has already blessed us with a new baby! At 8 weeks, I'm much more nervous this time around, but I just keep turning it over to him and resting in his grace.
Misty on November 23, 2014 at 12:18 am
I lived this, breathed this, and grew spiritually in this. I had not one, two, but several miscarriages. I know the pain, hope, joy and sorrow. I know the flash of the tiny beating heart on a black and white screen. I know the renewed hope that flash brings, even when hours later that beating heart stops as it leaves it's mother's body. I know your story, becaus you story is my story…even the picture of the big brother holding the little sister. God is good all the time…all the time , God is good! Time does not erase the pain or memories, but it does renew faith and hope. I feel blessed to have children on Earth and in Heaven. In life or death, I will never be without some of my children.
Tracy E on December 1, 2014 at 9:07 pm
I came across this post today because I was looking for something to help me find hope after finding out today that my baby has no heartbeat at my 9 week checkup. This is our first miscarriage and fourth pregnancy. I'm completely shocked, hurt, and devastated. Your post helped so much. I know that our baby is in the arms of Jesus and He is still good even when bad things happen. Thanks for writing this blog!
Rebekah S. on December 17, 2014 at 8:04 am
I am so glad I ran across this post on Pinterest. I was laying in bed the other night after my D&C from my miscarriage. I finally had my big breakdown. I tried to be tough through it all for everyone else, and I found that wasn't such a good idea. It was one in the morning, and my husband tried to comfort me. I just needed to be alone for a bit, so I went downstairs and tried to find hope on Pinterest. Crazy. My husband wanted to hold me to comfort me and I turned to Pinterest. But… I did find this post, and it had helped me so much. Just knowing that there are others who have faced this awful situation and came through it has helped me. I have thanked God everyday for giving me this opportunity to carry a beautiful soul. He has blessed me with one adoption and one son of our own. I would love another, but I realize it is in His hands. I will continue to thank Him everyday. It is getting better. Thank you for your honesty and openness. It helped me so much. And I thank God for leading me to this post and blog.
sheila cameron on January 3, 2015 at 10:38 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your heart! I lost my first baby 34 years ago at 5 weeks gestation and still tear up when I let my heart think of her… I too trust our Wonderful Creator to restore our little ones to us someday!
Sherri Y. on January 5, 2015 at 7:45 pm
Wow, what a beautiful story! My family just celebrated the (would-be) 5th birthday of our son, who was born prematurely at 25 weeks. We have learned this too, that praising in the pain is a beautiful form of worship and it shifts things drastically! Bless you as you continue this journey of praising God and celebrating the life of your little one!
Beckie on January 19, 2015 at 9:52 pm
Your story brings me back to the first time I found out I was pregnant… The days that I knew something wasn't right but was told everything was fine… The wee hours in the morning when I was woken by that intense pain and the devastation when we lost our first baby. We had a terrible experience with thee focal system but after spending an hour crying in my drs office 3 weeks post mc following by a big hug and a referral to the best ob any woman could ask for, my husband and I spent 45 mins in his office and left feeling lighter. 5 weeksater we were back in his office pregnant again with our now 3 year old miracle. This devastating experience still haunts me from time to time but I truly believe everything happens for a reason.
Thank you for sharing your story. When this happened to me, the only people I spoke to for a month, were those who knew what I went through.
Lindsey on January 21, 2015 at 9:28 pm
Thank you for sharing this. I've had 5 miscarriages, my 1st one was exactly as you described. Labor – painful – and I knew the instant the baby was out. I was early in my pregnancy as well. I had 3 miscarriages to begin with and then we were blessed with a beautiful brunette baby girl. One more miscarriage and then a beautiful blonde baby girl! We have had one miscarriage since then and our baby is now 3. We are looking at a 4 year age gap if I get pregnant right NOW. Miscarriage is such a horrible painful thing that for some reason, a lot of people don't understand. I had a very good friend ask me one time, "Why are you so sad?? You can just try again." That was two years ago and I haven't been able to get pregnant since. Praying for all the mamas out there – you are a mama even if you don't have children in your home yet. You are a mama because you ache to hold your babies. There is hope for us all!
Shelly Enright on January 22, 2015 at 6:17 pm
Thank you, thank you for sharing your story! Reading it enabled me to cry yet again and release a little more of the very secret sorrow we carry after loosing a precious child. I knew my girl and loved her deeply from the moment I knew I was pregnant. We were instantly connected and I never felt like anyone could understand that that was the reason it hurt so much to loose her. However, I have found much comfort from your story and all the others that are shared here in the comments. It brings healing to find this understanding. Thank you and may God bless every woman touched by the same experience with peace, comfort and joy knowing our little ones are with Him.
Liz on January 23, 2015 at 11:09 am
Thank you for this. I suffered a miscarriage in October. My news came from the ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. I kind of knew that something was wrong, but that didn't take away the sting of hearing the doctor tell us the news. It is through the prayers of my friends and family that knew that I found peace during those first few weeks. However, now it is tougher to have that peace. Thank you for reminding God is still with me and that I should keep ahold of the small bit of hope that I have right now.
Tembre Holland on January 23, 2015 at 2:51 pm
Thank you, thank you thank you. My husband and I have now had two miscarriages, one discovered while at our 16 week gender ultrasound, and another two months ago at 5.5 weeks. Both were so trying to my faith, but I found comfort NOWHERE else but in God's arms. Your story broke my heart, but seeing your joy in the LORD heals me…. I cannot write as eloquently as you (or at least I'm afraid to) but your words are my heart and bring me such comfort. I have shared this in case others can find healing in your words and I thank you so much for this ministry you have. God is using your pain and loss and helping others to seek Him in theirs. You are God's tool. Thank you!
KT on January 23, 2015 at 3:22 pm
I want to thank you for sharing this post! I am a Christian and your testimony and devotion to God is inspiring to me, not only because of your experience, but because of your loyalty and joy in God. I had two miscarriages within eight months of the last year, and those were not easy times. I relied on my faith and husband to get me through. Your post reminded me of my own experiences and also helped me to feel that I am not the only one who goes through a miscarriage. Thank you!
Widi on January 27, 2015 at 1:11 am
Thank you for sharing your almost-mom-to-be experience, it really helped to know there are moms all over the globe that share the same grief, but also the same joy of waiting. I have been experiencing misscarriages…yes, it was more than once, the grief was repeated twice for me.
When i finally got pregnant again, it was 9 months full of fear, there was a lot of doubtfulness if we would be able to keep him safe. But Jesus did, we believe He did. And now our son is almost 3 yo, healthy, smart, handsome, blessing for mommy and daddy 🙂
You were right, by praising Him, it also helped me understand how much He love my children, how much He love me and my husband. And no matter what happened, He is good!
Ray on February 11, 2015 at 7:54 am
Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you had to go through that. And really, what has happened to doctors and nurses. I think they sometimes forget that patients are people and not just names on a chart. I am glad you had Jesus to get you through that time. I lost my baby in December and I know the grief. It is earth shattering. Like you God was my solace. I shared my story and testimony on my blog in hopes that others would be comforted as your post has comforted me. Thanks for being brave and vulnerable.
Shyla Lawson on February 11, 2015 at 12:33 pm
This was beautiful and helped me so much, i cryed and cryed while reading this. I had to miscarriages the first i was about 9 weeks that was a sad time but i knew that before 12 weeks there was always that chance. However my second miscarriage i was 16 weeks , this one was the unbearable one. apparently the baby died at about 13 weeks but i didn't pass it until 16. i started to bleed during the night and went to the emerge, of course there is a long wait blood test but finally i got the ultrasound. That was the saddest moment of my life seeing that there was so heart beat. God was with me through that entire experience he put a calming comfort over me. I am so thankful i found your website i can literary feel the presence of God through your words.
Jessica on February 11, 2015 at 2:57 pm
This is a wonderful post. Thank you so much for sharing! Although I am still fairly young (22) and haven't had the opportunity to have children yet or conceive a child, I can relate to your story. My sister miscarried her fourth child just over one year ago. Her first born lived only for a few short days before he was taken from her and her husband. That was 10 years ago today. It's absolutely heartbreaking. People talk about miscarriages all the time, but until this most recent experience with my sister, I never understood the pain behind it. Your article really showed me that people do mourn for their lost children, whether or not they were brought into this world.
It's odd that I would find this on the 10 year anniversary of my nephew's birth, but I am so glad I did. I have been afraid that if I do ever conceive, the child might have a similar condition to my nephews and might not survive. After reading this, I'm inspired to be brave about the situation. I'm not religious (though I respect your views and agree with a majority of Christian morals), so I'm hesitant to say that I believe God has a bigger plan, but I do really believe that the world and life has a way of making things work out. This article really enforced that point to me.
Thank you so much for sharing. It was just what I needed today.
Bianca on February 11, 2015 at 11:26 pm
I love this story so much! I stumbled on it after being led from Facebook to your post about the 50 Shads of Grey movie. Having been through a miscarriage myself this past July, I often feel somewhat isolated because none of my friends understood how heartbreaking and painful it was to show up to our first ultrasound and be told there was no heartbeat. They called it a missed miscarriage because our baby had actually died around 8 weeks, and we were at our 11 week appointment. I had some symptoms that things were not as they should be, but since it was my first pregnancy and there was no past history of miscarriage, I was put on hormone pills, bed rest, and had blood draws to try and ease my anxiety and fear. But the evening of our ultrasound is when everything started to happen, and in the middle of the night the pain started and long story short, I ended up in the ER due to blood loss and extreme amounts of pain.
I have found so much comfort in your story and just knowing there's someone else that's gone through it who gets it! It's not a fun thing to talk about, but I feel so much better when there are others talking about it. Thank you for writing this! As we are currently trying again, this is the perfect story I needed to calm my fear of this happening again. I want so badly to get pregnant again, but I am also equally as scared of losing another baby.
Andrea on February 12, 2015 at 12:24 am
Thank you for your honest account. I wish I'd had your faith.
I miscarried three times, all from in vitro pregnancies, with no explanation for the loss, all while under the care of a very uncaring doctor. The emotions are overwhelming and experienced all at once – emptiness, grief, confusion, frustration, helplessness, and incredible heartache. Eventually a numbness falls over your whole soul because it's just too painful to feel anything anymore.
The third miscarriage was too much. I was broken, shattered. I never knew you could feel yourself fall apart but I did and I had no one to be angry with but God. I couldn't understand how someone could be so incredibly cruel. It seemed the only lesson He wanted me to learn was to never hope because you will only find pain, to never pray because it is all for naught and God will do what He wants in the end. Here I was praying my heart out for a child and doing so much work to get one, only to have the rug pulled out from under me again and again and again, always returning home empty handed to an empty house feeling the emptiness in my heart. I was absorbed into the blackness of grief and hopelessness. Oh, how I wish I had had your resilience in faith.
I did in vitro a fourth time and got pregnant again. I couldn't let myself feel excited or hopeful. No, too dangerous. I was just wondering when the world would come crashing down again, how long I would get to keep this baby.
To my amazement, I had a ridiculously adorable baby boy who is the source of my joy in life.
I still wrestle with why I had to go through what I did (and I may have more trials ahead as my infertility journey continues) and I try to grasp God's goodness in the face of my little boy. Not much takes away the loss of those others babies, but I do find strength in the stories of others, in knowing there are some who can empathize and truly understand.
I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you experienced. It is a terrible thing that pierces us to the very center and I wish it no one. I am glad you have that wonderful gift of faith and those little ones. Thank you for sharing.
neenee on February 12, 2015 at 10:01 am
Thank you! For the first time in my life someone completely understands the grief of losing a child to miscarriage. I've had several miscarriages and never went on to have children of my own. God has been good to me through it all and I have His peace. I'm grateful to God for you and your obedience.
Katy on February 12, 2015 at 12:19 pm
I know it is a long time after your wrote this post, so I have no idea if you will see this post.
But, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
We lost our first baby this past Saturday. It was pretty far along (12 weeks) and there had been no complications – in fact, when I called the on call OBGYN, she thought it was not a miscarriage, instead a hemorrhage that they could monitor at my apt on Monday. I hung up an called my mom (several states away) to share the good update – and in the middle of talking to her, I said "I have to go" My water was breaking and I was bleeding all over our bed. I knew what was happening.
I know it's only been a week- so I can't expect the grief to be over – but what surprises me is that it is getting worse. As the physical pain of a mini labor has slowed and the shock has worn off, I am heartbroken, completely hopeless.
We talk about when we think we will be ready to try again – and I hope it's soon. I just turned 31, so not too much time to wait to start a family. But, I still so desperately want this baby who I am convinced was a boy. And the truth is that I am scared. I have never known a normal pregnancy, so what if this is all my body can do — lose babies?
I am trying to find hope. I find hope in the fact that the Lord has carried me through pain before. I find hope in your story – your own ability to find hope, your precious babies AND your deep love for your first baby still.
I am so sad – but so thankful for even 12 short weeks with our sweet baby R. We loved that baby so much – and I hope that he/she felt that in his short time here. That will always be our first baby.
Janna on February 13, 2015 at 12:52 am
Thank you… I just lost twins in November. My husband and I have been trying for several years and it was my first pregnancy. Nothing I have experienced in the past comes close to the pain of losing the babies… Even though it was several months ago the pain is fresh. Your words have comforted and challenged me. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless you.
Faye on February 13, 2015 at 2:30 am
Thanks for sharing your story. I suffered two miscarriages within the first year of my marriage: the first was a dangerous ectopic pregnancy and the second at 11.5 weeks. I have never in my life felt so useless and the despair was indescribable. Hearing the statistics as to how common 1st-trimester miscarriage is only made my sick to stomach and my blood boil because my babies were my babies and NOT statistics! I felt exactly as you did – that my body had utterly failed my baby. My body had also failed my husband AND me. I felt trapped inside of this uncoorperative "thing" which I had come to despise. After undergoing a subsequent exploratory surgery, 9 different gynecological problems were identified, namely that a blocked fallopian tube had caused the ectopic pregnancy and a myriad of uterine fibroids had blocked the flow of nutrients to the second baby and thus caused the second miscarriage. After 5 years of various hormone therapies and two additional surgeries, the only option was to undergo a hysterectomy after which another wave of uselessness ensued compounded by the hormonal surges. But with faith and a considerable amount of time, I came to see that I had been in chronic pain for YEARS on end and that the hysterectomy had returned me to full health; the largest source of inflammation in my body had been removed and other concerning health conditions soon disappeared. The surgery also allowed me to finally accept that my husband's mantra of "I didn't marry you to carry the children we might have but to grow old with YOU!", was the truth. It was a long, painful road – physically and emotionally – but at the other end, I found freedom from chronic pain and I am closer to both God and my husband than ever before. Every day I am even more grateful for the gift of my wonderful son from my first marriage, I spoil my nephew to pieces and I adore my husband for being the man that he is. Wishing peace to you and every other woman who has suffered in this way.
Amanda on February 19, 2015 at 8:53 am
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel like I have been on autopilot since I lost my baby, just going through the motions. I finally hit a wall yesterday and stumbled acrossed your story. It was exactly what I needed. Thank you.
Anon on February 28, 2015 at 8:46 pm
This is an older article, but it was one that I needed to read right now.
I've never experienced a loss like this, but your story about praising God and trusting Him even when bad things happen speaks to me. I have an eighteen-month-old and a two month old baby, and since my youngest was born my husband and I have been having marital problems. Well, really it's been going on for a while, but that's when it got really bad… it's been bad enough that he's considered separation. I've been a stay at home mother, but now I'm looking for work because I need a way to support myself and our children without him, and I'm terrified that once I do find work that he will leave, although he says he doesn't want to divorce. I don't want that either. I am determined to fight for this marriage.
I fell away from my faith in my early twenties, but began to turn back to God shortly after we married, and these past couple of months have had to really lean on Him for strength. He has been whispering hope into my heart as I cry out to him to help save our marriage. Whether it will survive or not, I do not know, but He has given me hope that I will be okay no matter the outcome, that if our marriage survives, it will become stronger than ever and we will once again find happiness. If it doesn't, then at least I will know I did all that I could, and though I will grieve the loss, I will move forward and perhaps even find love again someday.
I know all this, and yet there are still times I get discouraged and start to fall into despair. Reading stories like yours reminds me to keep seeking Him, to keep leaning on Him for strength, guidance, and wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing your testimony. <3
Sammie Jo R. on February 28, 2015 at 9:31 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your testimony. My husband and I found out we were expecting our first two days after Christmas this past December. We had only been trying since June 2014. We were so excited and anxious to tell all of our loved ones. So we called them and told them the good news. This would be the first child for us, the first grandchild for both sides of our parents and the first great grand child for my grandparents. It was surreal and we were so happy to finally be parents. We called and scheduled a confirmation appointment that following Monday. That Monday afternoon my husband and I met at the OB doctor office and it was confirmed! My heart was pounding with excitement. We scheduled our first OB appointment for February the 2nd. That day couldn't come fast enough. Finally that Monday rolled around and for some odd reason I just had this fear in the back of my mind that something was wrong. Well our name was called and I went in for an ultrasound my fear came true the ultrasound tech says you are only measuring 7 weeks and 3 days you are suppose to be almost 11 weeks. She also said there was no heartbeat and no blood flow around the baby. My heart dropped – I was trying my best to come up with any possible explanation – well maybe we are too early maybe the baby is just lazy or turned the wrong way. We come out of the us room and went straight to the counsel room with the Dr. He told us of our options and when I heard D&C I lost it. My heart-broke into a million pieces. I was not giving up on this baby. So we scheduled to come back that Thursday. We went Thursday and they took blood to check my HCG levels and we did another ultrasound – no change. I text my pastor and his wife asking to have prayer at church after services that Sunday. We had a wonderful service at church and when it came time to pray we had the whole congregation wrapped around us. You could feel the power of the Holy Spirit in there. I knew God had this and he was going to see us through whatever the outcome. We went back to the doctor the next day and took more blood work that morning. We came back that afternoon to get the results and another ultrasound. The levels went from 39000 on Thursday to 18000 on Monday. The ultrasound showed that the baby had already started attaching itself to the wall and that my body would start going into the miscarriage process anyday so we scheduled a D&C that Thursday morning. I just could not bare the thought of having a miscarriage alone at home, work or anywhere. That Thursday morning was dreaded and I prayed and prayed that God's will be done. Everything went well with the procedure. I had my followup appointment this past Thursday and the doctor says we can try again after 2 cycles. I'm still healing emotionally I have my good days and my bad days. I had a breakdown today while looking at my ultrasound pics and such on my phone. I know that God does everything for a reason and that he has a much greater plan for us. I can't wait to meet my baby one day in Heaven and hold him or her in my arms. If my Husband and I didn't have the strong faith that we have in God I don't know what we would do. God is our life and without him we have nothing. I hope and pray that my testimony can help someone and give them faith to keep trying and don't give up! I'm just blessed and thankful that I do know that I can conceive and I will try again. God Bless <3
Megan on February 28, 2015 at 11:24 pm
There are no words for me to tell you besides thank you. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing this painful story. Reading your story was like I was reliving my first miscarriage all over again. There were many tears shed reading this but there were also a lot of smiles. I remember being so angry with the doctor. I was angry with her for weeks after my miscarriage, I stopped going to church, I stopped hanging out with friends, I even secluded my husband from my pain. I was just so hurt, angry and confused. A stranger reached out to me in walmart one day while I was waiting for the refill on my pain meds (1+ months of loosing the baby before I finally got relief) This stranger or angel in disguise that I would like to call her, just looked at me and smiled. She said "I can see the pain in your eyes. I don't know what happened but whatever it was, has turned your life upside down. When you think your world is ending and that you need to be alone, God is there. He will always be there. Just talk to him sweetie, you'll see" And that's exactly what I did.
Lyndsey on March 1, 2015 at 11:51 am
Becky, I feel as if we are friends. You speak to my heart. The words OF my heart that I have trouble getting out. I too lost a child before being able to say hello. I cried and cried as I read this. I felt like you wrote MY story. December 14th 2012 My baby girl was gone at 9 weeks and the name that stuck out to me was Caelen. How crazy. God brought me to you. And thank you so much for letting me know I was not alone in this.
Cheryl Reese on March 1, 2015 at 4:05 pm
your story touched my heart in so many ways! I am a believer and follower of Jesus Christ and have experienced two miscarriages that broke my heart. I relived my feelings like yours during those miscarriages! This happened 37years ago…I am 70 years old now and fighting cancer. I love what you said that even if He doesn't, that He is still able of my devotion! I am trying, with God's help to be an encourager to others who are suffering right now. I will share this thought with others and pray they can find hope and encouragement in Jesus Christ. Thanks for your story….May God continue to bless you as you raise those two beautiful children!
Courtney on March 3, 2015 at 2:53 pm
This is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. I love your testimony and your hope. I went through a miscarriage two months ago and I know I couldn't have gotten through it the way I did without Heavenly Father and Jesus. Thank you for not being silent. You are right that miscarriage is such a quiet thing. Your children are beautiful. I am so thankful for my 2 year old. Having her is so wonderful.
Thank you again. You sound like such an amazing person.
patricia sawicki on March 5, 2015 at 5:13 pm
It is an honor to serve a baby in the palace of our womb if only for a short while.
Melissa on March 6, 2015 at 1:23 pm
I found your blog after clicking on a link on pintrest; for of all things boot socks. I have two beautiful girls here on earth and a baby boy, Shiloh, in heaven. I want to thank you for writing about your experience with your miscarriage. I am amazed at how many people, even Christians, who don't seem to understand that it is a baby no matter how far along you are. I can not understand an OB/GYN office that doesn't call you back for a week. I also read your post on women who have had abortions and finding forgiveness for them. While I've never had an abortion I totally feel the same way, God's love and forgiveness are amazingly powerful. Just wanted to say keep up the good kingdom work!
Sara on March 18, 2015 at 8:42 am
God works in mysterious ways. I miscarried a month ago and have been so angry at God and have been praying for an answer or a sign of hope. I accidentally came across your blog today and it was eye opening. Your message and positive perspective really hit home in my heart. Thank you for sharing such a painful journey to help others that have sadly walked this path as well.
Jennifer on March 30, 2015 at 9:09 am
Thank you! I needed these words today. He is still worthy, and I am learning to obey and trust through loving Him.
God bless you and your family!
Dee on March 31, 2015 at 6:52 pm
This is beautiful. Thank you. It helped to heal my heart.
Mallory Masters on April 1, 2015 at 12:54 pm
Thank you for sharing this story. I miscarried in January 2014. I was heartbroken, I felt like I had failed at something I was supposed to do as a woman. Now I realize that God had other plans for me and my family. I miscarried my second child. However, I became pregnant again in May 2014 and we welcomed our son in January 2015. I think God everyday for my children and they are more precious to me after losing a child. There is not a day that goes by that I don't tell them how much they mean to me.
Candy on April 1, 2015 at 10:21 pm
Thank you so much for sharing! I found this link through a friend posting your April Fool's Post of her facebook today. While my own story didn't end with a miscarriage,which I'll explain in a minute,my daughter's did. When I was 6 or 7 weeks pregnant with my son,and yes I knew what he was the day I found out I was pregnant.The problem was my husband and I were having problems in our family and he didn't want another kid(I had a 2 yr old daughter already.I wanted my baby and told him so.But when I started having pain I decided to go to the dr after it persisted.I had ligament pain with my first born but didn't think I should being having it with a second since my body had been through the process once before but that's what I was hoping it was but I was wrong.My blood test came back too low so the dr did a vaginal ultrasound(never knew they had that til then) and I saw an egg with the tell of the sperm hang out of it.As far as I was we should have seen more.The dr sent me home with miscarriage info and list of support groups and told me come back that evening and he'll run the test again.I cried all the way home and begged God for my son.I guess He knew I need him bc that night,my blood levels were where they were suppose to be according to how far along I was.So I know the fear of a miscarriage but not the heartache of one,well atleast not my own but I know as a grandma how it feels to loose your first grandbaby. My daughter was 15 and neither of them were ready for a baby even though they were happy about it.I think God knew the timing wasn't right.She lost her at 7 weeks pregnant.I never saw the positive pregnancy test so after she lost her(they didn't know the sex of the baby)I prayed and told God I need confirmation.Now they had came up with a name that would fit both sexes,their school counselor had encouraged them to do that I guess as closer or a healing process.They believed the baby was a boy but I knew different but didn't tell them I only told her I had a dream of the baby in Heaven.About six months later she told me she had a dream of MacKenzie walking with Jesus holding her hand,a blonde hair blue eyed little girl.It was the exact dream I had! That was Nov 2012 that she lost Mackenzie,it hurt her to she other friends and people holding their baby but she couldn't.She got pregnant again sometime Feb 2014.I didn't know what God was doing bc her life was a mess already I couldn't see them bringing a baby into it.But as usual God knew,He saw the future.Near the end of her pregnancy she came back to God and had grown closer and closer to Him since she became a mommy and she is an awesome mommy.I'm a proud momma and grandma.2 years a few weeks after her miscarriage,Piper was born.I love the girl like crazy! And my daughter turned 18 last week and Got Mackenzie's initials tattooed on her.
Marie on April 2, 2015 at 6:48 am
Beautiful post. I experienced a miscarriage at 10.5 weeks last month and it was emotional. We remain hopeful for the future. At 10-12 weeks the baby is only the size of a blueberry and I was told I wouldn't see it, just blood. How did you know when you passed your baby?
Kori on April 3, 2015 at 10:57 am
While I sit her suffering and pleading with God for peace in my heart, and hope
For a brighter future after the loss of my sweet Angel yesterday.
I was not trying to get pregnant, but was overjoyed when I found out knowing
That God had given me a miracle and I was going to be a mother. I went in for my
First ultrasound April 1, 2015 so excited to hear my little baby's heartbeat, that joy was ripped from me when the tech said the words we will never forget "there is no heartbeat". I was in disbelief, how could God do this to me, why why God?!!!
The next day I was in surgery and waking up from the anesthesia was almost worse, I screamed and cried "my baby is gone, it's really gone" how does that happen? I lay here now searching for some peace while I mourn my angel that sleeps with Jesus tonight, I can not lose my faith for it will carry me through.
Thank you for sharing your story, it gives me hope.
Linzy on April 27, 2015 at 9:37 pm
I am grateful to know that one day I will be able to see my baby I lost 6 years ago in Heaven. God has since blessed me and my husband with 2 handsome little boys and a precious little girl. I remember that time of loss all to well, and I know exactly how you felt. I had worked for my ob-gyn at the time, and had the first ultrasound, heard the heartbeat, and saw the tiny little bundle of joy. I woke up one morning to find I was bleeding, not heavily, but it still concerned me. My Dr ordered bloodwork, and at the time my hcg levels were still high, and I was told that some women do have spotting in the beginning of a pregnancy and that it is completely normal. Well, I took that information as hope that I would carry the baby without any further complications. The bleeding kept getting heavier. I hurried and got ready and went in to work one morning, and had them do more bloodwork on me. My Dr took me into an office, shut the door and told me that I had lost the baby. I was completely numb and heartbroken.He told me to take the next few days off from work and had the office manager call my husband to pick me up. It was on a wednesday when it happened, and my husband went to church that evening, he asked me to go, but my heart was heavy and I stayed home and cried. I wish I would have went, looking back on it. God has been there with me thru so much, and even though I lost my baby, Heaven gained another angel. My husband surprised me for my birthday this year with a mother's ring. The jewelry store didn't have one with just 3 stones, but only 4. My husband added the baby we lost as the first stone, the month I lost the baby, which is also my birth month, March.He added the others, and had their names engraved next to their birthstone. When it came to putting a name for the baby we lost, he had them put Nevaeh, which is Heaven spelled backwards, and that is exactly where our baby is. I thank God for holding me during that very difficult time, and giving me that hope of seeing my baby some day. God bless you and your family.
Amanda on June 1, 2015 at 12:30 pm
Thank you for writing this. I lost what I believe to be my baby boy this last month. I had a horrible experience in the hospital and like you wrote it down. What I have not done is learn to be ok with Jesus. I have been blaming him. Your words have helped to open my heart back up and be right with our Lord again. Thank you!
anonymous on June 2, 2015 at 4:35 pm
It was the first day of an overseas mission trip when I miscarried for the third time in less than a year. I was a staff leading a group of 20 troubled teens on their first trip . I did not have my husband there with me . I couldn't let anyone know what was happening. I thought I had dealt with the pain until I read this… I'm sitting here in my office , weeping , wondering will it ever happen again? I feel selfish thinking this, praying this, because I already have a beautiful son. He is a miracle on his own. We were told that devastating news four times during my first AND SECOND trimester. That we had lost him, I even bled and passed tissue. I switched doctors after some advice from the ultrasoud tech. and found our wonderful , sound minded, calm and sweet doctor that delivered Oliver 6 months later.
He is so happy and healthy. But, I have always dreamed of having my children grow up with siblings as best friends, enemies at times and heroes most days as I did with my 6 brothers and sisters. I feel hopeless. I never went to the doctor when I got back, I couldn't . My mother was so angry with me, told me how unhealthy and harmful it could be if I don't. Said I needed to find out why this is happening. But, I can't make myself go. My husband and I don't take cocrateptives for personal beliefs so were not trying but were not , not trying… and every month the day I should start I pray and pray " please don't be late" and the next day I start and I cry and cry because deep down all I want is a little girl . Another little boy… A big family with chaos and messy rooms and big cars and laughter and even fighting …. Children that will be raised knowing that they are children of God put here for purpose and reason. World changers for Christ…. I look at my mom and I hate her… Six kids?! I feel like a failure , I feel like my husband looks at me as that. Although he is the most loving , sweet, heroin of a husband.
I needed this. Today, I NEEDED this. I have trusted God through grief, and I have rejoiced with Him in gladness. This one thing I know, His worthiness is not dependent upon the outcome of our prayer. He is good and His goodness endures forever." This was perfect . Thank you for sharing….. Thank you for stepping out and being vulnerable .
ANGELICA on June 26, 2015 at 11:52 pm
I'm glad that I stumbled across this post today, absolutely beautiful and do humbling. My husband and I lost our baby the day after mothers day this year and it has been tough to get thru. We had no trouble conceiving our daughter who's 3 years old now, so we decided to start trying for baby #2 but we had no idea that it would end in miscarriage. We ate devastated but in the midst of all of it we are holding onto God's word and believing that he will see us thru it.. I started a blog to help me heal and to also help other women. I pray that God gives us our rainbow baby soon, it has been 6 weeks since the miscarriage and I finally stopped bleeding. That part alone was pure torture as it was a reminder of what I lost everytime I went to the bathroom. Your post gives me hope and encouragemental during this dark time. Thank you!
Marguerite on June 30, 2015 at 4:12 pm
Thank you for sharing your story, It is very heartbreaking and encouraging ,very beautiful . I lost my little girl at 21 weeks. We are praising the Lord for His goodness and praying that He will bless us with babies born on this side of eternity
Lauren M. on July 20, 2015 at 2:29 pm
I wish I could call you and talk. I have so many questions that I'd love to ask you about getting through, about the depression that lingers even with the knowledge of God's presence. It's been just over a month and I still break down and cry. I still struggle with mood swings and guilt. I still have a crippling fear of this happening again, and anger and frustration towards the doctor for not scheduling for blood work earlier so that this might be avoided. And annoyance that they don't seem to be proactive about it until I have a second miscarriage.
I feel so alone with waves of anger, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and fear. I feel immune to God, his comfort and grace. I don't want to feel like this.
Did you feel like this? How did you get through it? How long did it take? Were you scared for the unknown future? Whether or not it would ever happen again for you and your husband?
Has anyone else experienced this?
Bethe on August 9, 2015 at 10:00 pm
Somehow I found this tonight. This is my story. I wasn't as far along as you, but I, too, made the frantic calls to my doctor's office, telling them I needed to get in ASAP for treatment because I was pregnant and bleeding. I bled through my first trimester with my first baby, and every single day faced the very real threat of a miscarriage, and yet here she is today with me, a beautiful two-year-old girl. So when I had the same bleeding with baby #2, I just knew we could get in quickly and get treated. And yet the doctor's office wanted to put me off FOR TEN DAYS. I finally got in that day (luckily I'm friends with the doc and called in a favor), and then after a series of tests to see what my hormone levels were doing, and after waiting through a long weekend for test results only to find out that the doc was out unexpectedly and I would have to wait an extra day to find out the news… I finally found out that I had lost my baby. So devastating, and yet I have already seen that God is good, even in the midst of pain. But oh, how I wish I could have held that sweet child and rocked him or her to sleep.
Amanda on August 10, 2015 at 1:18 pm
Thank you so much for sharing such a personal story. I lost my sweet baby 4 weeks ago today. Your words and encouragement really spoke to my soul. While my heart aches to have my baby here with me, I find such comfort knowing he is in the arms of Jesus.
Meredith on August 17, 2015 at 5:54 am
I know it has been years since your post was written, and I do not typically comment on blog posts… Though I enjoy reading them often. But on this day, where my husband and I are experiencing the loss of our first pregnancy – I want to thank you for reminding me of who my God is, and for your courage in sharing your story. Thank you for giving me hope when I feel despair. And, although it is a few years later, your words are still a light for the Lord for those who are grieving.
Mandy on October 15, 2015 at 10:57 am
I've lost 2 of my own. You are so right. They treat you like it doesn't matter. 🙁
Courtney on November 8, 2015 at 6:35 pm
Dear Becky,
Though we do not know each other I feel a connection, as a fellow woman who has just also experienced a loss. Though my story of loss is different from yours the theme remains the same. I am so thankful for your willingness to share your story, as I have been thankful to many other women who have shared with me. It's so hard but you're right – He is good. Throughout this journey so far, His presence has been evident and I know I am blessed. It hurts, a lot. I still cry, a lot. But He is here and He is holding me close as I travel this path. Thank you again for sharing and for your encouragement of embracing Hope.
Your friend in Christ, Courtney
jena on November 10, 2015 at 1:01 am
Thank you ever so much for sharing your story I lost my precious baby this past July and struggle so often with it thank you for sharing that I'm not alone and will make it through😊
Rachel on November 19, 2015 at 10:25 am
I fall in love with your blog all of the time when I read it. It brings so much happiness to me and new perspectives about things in life and society. Thank you for sharing your story. I wanted to share mine with you as well. I am not sure if you will have to opportunity to read it since this was done in 2013 but I want to let you know that I too have experienced loss a couple of times.
My husband and I found out that we were pregnant in March of 07 on our anniversary March 30th. I was so thrilled to tell him. We were foster parents at the time and had a two and a 4 year old. They made us want to start trying to have a family. I was so psyched. I called my doc and he got me right in for an ultrasound. In the ultrasound there was no heartbeat and it was just a ball so he told me that I had lost the baby at around 5 or 6 weeks. So early. I like you was devastated and scheduled for a D&C.
Fast forward to October of 07 and I found myself pregnant again. Once again I was thrilled. Everything was going along great (no morning sickness or anything) and then Thanksgiving day I started bleeding. We ended up at the ER around 8 that evening and had an ultrasound where the baby was fine and they couldn't figure out the bleeding. From that point they did another ultrasound at 11 or 12 weeks and said that my fluid was a little low but they would have to wait until week 12 to know for sure when baby started making it's own fluid. At week 13 still bleeding off and on and I went in for another ultrasound and there was no fluid so the doctor said that it could be a blockage or the baby may not have kidneys. I was devastated. I held onto hope that the ultrasound was incorrect and that we would figure something out.
At week 17 I had another ultrasound where it was confirmed that they couldn't find kidneys in the baby. This is called Potter's Syndrome and is about 1 and 4,000 babies. I had never heard of it before. I went home and researched and decided that this as well could be a mistake and that miracles can happen. The doctors told me to schedule an abortion due to the diagnosis and I decided that God started the babies heart and I was not going to stop it.
During this time, my younger sister was also pregnant. This was the hardest part of this journey for me. The day after my sister's baby shower is when the next event happened.
I went through the entire pregnancy to 33 weeks (no movement due to no amniotic fluid) but videos and pictures of all of the ultrasounds and a recording of babies heartbeat around week 30 or so. At 33 weeks I woke up to some brown stuff that had come out and I called my doctor and he told me to come to the ER right away. When I got there, they wanted to put the monitor on my and I just told them that I didn't want to. I was pretty sure that the baby was gone. Once my doctor was there, he confirmed that baby was gone and I would need to deliver. I delivered him and his dad bathed him and took care of him and prepared him for our family time. We took many pictures through a group called "Now I lay me down to sleep" and we had a casting made of his feet. This is due to hours of extensive research online and trying to make his birth/death as memorable as possible.
The baby could have technically been born alive but would have died shortly after so this is the way that God planned for us to have to deal with this and it was perfect for us. The pictures are beautiful and we called him Justin Lucas. He was born on 5/4/08. That day will forever live in my heart. We had a funeral for him and buried him close to our home.
Then fast forward just 3 months (we weren't waiting any longer) and we found ourselves pregnant again. This time obviously we were freaked out but everything went according to plan and he was born at 35 weeks. The amazing part of this story is that we were on our way to the cemetery for Justin's birthday celebration on 5/4/09 and my water broke. Jerrod Landon was delivered the next morning on 5/5/ and he is a healthy 6 year old now.
We finally decided to complete our family in 2013 and started trying to have another baby. After 3 or 4 months of trying we finally found ourselves pregnant again. Only 6 or 7 weeks into it, I started to bleed. The doctor immediately scheduled me for an ultrasound and determined that my progesterone was low and told me that they weren't sure if the baby would be ok or not but put me on supplements to take daily until 12 weeks. Once we completed that hurdle, the baby was still doing fine. Due to high risk, I had ultrasounds every couple weeks and they watched everything really carefully. I think I stopped the supplements around the 14th week. I was nervous to stop them but did.
I had a few issues but for the most part it was pretty normal, then on December 8th (33 weeks), I woke up around midnight with losing lots of blood. We went to the hospital and they checked everything and everything was fine and they couldn't find the source of the bleeding. They told me to come in the next morning, a Tuesday for another ultrasound. We came in around 8 or 9 a.m. for the ultrasound and they did it and didn't really see anything of concern. The doctor was still worried so decided to do a vaginal ultrasound (this is where the miracle part comes in) they discovered that babies blood vessel was covering the cervix and going into labor or contractions could cause that to break which would kill the baby.
Once again, I found myself in such a scary predicament with my pregnancy. They decided that I had to be hospitalized and they would just watch me but any form of bleeding at all and they would take the baby.
On the following Friday morning, at 7:45 in the morning I woke up to a large amt of blood again. I went into the hallway and screamed at the nurses that I was bleeding really badly and they all jumped into action and rushed me into the OR for an emergency C-section. The last thing I remember is they were listening to the babies heartbeat and it was fine and they were telling me that the blood wasn't from the blood vessel.
On Dec 12th, I gave birth to our second son Dylan Keith and he was truly a miracle baby in every sense of the word. I am so thankful to God for watching over us and our family and not having to deal with loss again. Dylan is now approaching a year and although he did spend 10 days in the hospital, he is perfectly fine now and doing everything ahead of schedule.
I said all of that to say this: God is Good. No matter what you go through God has and will be good to you! My family has experienced several pregnancy losses. My grandma had a still born in her 50's and my mom had 8 miscarriages. My sister lost twins at 6 weeks and had a miscarriage as well.
The lesson here is don't give up and just believe on God. If the true desires of your heart are to have a child, God knows and in some way even if not biological he will turn that desire into your reality.
Once again, thank you for all of your words of encouragement.
Courtney on November 19, 2015 at 12:50 pm
Wow Rachel, thank YOU for sharing your story. What an incredible testimony of faith to be able to tell your story and still say God is good. More women like you need to be celebrated in your commitment to faith in tough times. May the Lord bless you and your family.
Christina on December 14, 2015 at 7:55 pm
This was so touching and heartfelt for me. I cried uncontrollably while reading. On Sept. 1st of this year I miscarried (same month and day of your post). Though I am still hurt because of my loss, I have faith and believe that God will bless my husband and I with our precious little ones real soon. His goodness endures forever! I will continue to praise Him and confess each day. I am going to bookmark this page so I can send an update of my testimony during and after pregnancy! Be blessed!
Kennedy on March 20, 2016 at 11:11 pm
This article helped me so much the past couple days through my miscarriage. I am so grateful to you for your words and example. God is good!
Alicia on March 31, 2016 at 11:46 pm
Thank you. I found this post because a friend linked your post about April Fool's pregnancy announcements – which was also wonderful. Having had a miscarriage three weeks ago, I identify with more of your story than either of us would like. I wasn't able to read the entire post, but the parts I could bring myself to read were helpful and healing. Thank you for sharing such a painful part of your life; it is helping people like myself. <3
sarah on May 19, 2016 at 3:23 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I just so happened upon your blog while looking for anything that could give me some comfort….me and my husband just recently lost our first pregnancy at 10 weeks but the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. Like you, we were given false hope. I went to the ER and they assured me everything was fine…even somehow finding a heartbeat when my OB told me two days later they possibly couldn't have found one as the baby had stopped growing weeks earlier. There is nothing more heartbreaking than hearing the news that your baby has passed. It was even harder with the next weekend being mothers day. We are planning on trying again before too long, but I cannot let go of the fear of trying again just yet. I know that my relationship with God has got me through these last few weeks of despair and grief and I am finally starting to wake each day with a hopeful heart. "The lord is close to the brokenhearted." Psalm 34:18. Do not loose your faith to anyone else who is like me and has recently suffered a miscarriage. God made women strong and he is with us throughout out trials. God bless.
Carla on May 31, 2016 at 12:51 am
Thank you so much for sharing Sarah.
I completely understand your pain and fear of trying again. My husband and I recently lost our first child at around 6 weeks. We both want to try again, butI can't keep that fear and grief out of my mind.
I agree, that if it wasn't for my faith in God I don't know where I would be after this horrible time.
Something I have found very helpful, is I wrote a poem / letter to our child, got a candle which we will light on the date we found out we were pregnant, and also finding people who have gone through miscarriages. I found it even more helpful finding some one who lost their child the same time as me. It has been amazing to be able to walk through this time with her, talk about our feelings, and send each other support. If you can find someone (I know it can be a very demoralising thing telling someone you had a miscarriage, but there are so many people going through it, and going through it with someone who understands in the here and now is an amazing blessing and support).
hope this is helpful, and I am so sorry for your loss
Carla x
Carla on May 22, 2016 at 8:42 pm
Thank you so much for writing this Becky.
I had a miscarriage just over a month ago.
The feelings and emotions you had I can identify with immensely. I didn't have a once of miscarriage, the baby is out kind of thing, mine lasted about 3 or 4 days. Everytime I went to the bathroom I would see the blood and the parts of my baby and would stroke it and apologise for not being able to bring him or her into the world. I didn't want the bleeding to end because I didn't want to loose any connection I suppose I would have with my child.
I slept for days and did nothing for ages, but tried to distract myself from the reality that I had lost my baby.
I thought I was fine, until a few weeks later when the reality of the situation caught up with me, and I felt like I was back at square one in terms of my emotions. Most of my friends and family are really supportive, even to the point that a friend recently fell pregnant and told myself and my husband before most other people because they wanted us to be able to react in what ever way we needed to. This may not have seemed such a big thing to them, but the care they showed us in that situation was so touching and meant so much more then anyone could ever know.
In the first few weeks I believed it was my fault, and additionally, the week it happened at church the congregation was asked to share on Gods love and how amazing he was. everyone was saying how amazing God is etc., and my husband and I were sitting there thinking, how can they say this, God isn't amazing he has just taken our child away, how can you say that he loves us when he has just done such a horrifying thing.
I soon began to remember that God is intact amazing and loves us etc. It was amazing that I felt God saying to me it's ok, you're baby is safe and there was going to be good come from this, and this was re-afirrmed by most people I spoke to.
My first period after the miscarriage was extremely difficult, and I always yearned to see my child, but it obviously didn't happen.
Soon after we lost the baby I wrote a poem / prayer thingy which has helped me to remember where our baby is:
Our baby,
Our child.
I just want to hold you and tell you everything is all right.
I want to touch your feet and feel your fingers wrap around mine.
I want to caress your face, and gaze into your eyes.
I wonder what you look like,
And who you would have been.
I want to hold you tight and tell you
I love you
And I'm sorry I couldn't bring you into this world.
I wonder why such an amazing God would take you away from us,
But then I remember you were never ours to keep.
I know you are in eternity with God, such an awe-inspiring place,
So much more than anything we could ever have given you.
We will meet you one day when we join you in the incredible arms of God.
You will run to us crying 'mummy, daddy' as you jump into our arms,
And lead us to our maker.
We will meet God and only then will everything make sense.
For now, whilst we grieve and struggle with impossible questions,
Know that daddy and I love you oh so very much.
I pray to God and thank him for taking our baby away. Although it hurts, I know God has bigger and better plans then we know.
It's still early days, and am not pregnant yet, but I am beginning to see Gods love for us and that he is almighty and in control.
The amazing this about this pregnancy was that I have endometriosis and was told at 14 I may not be able to have children, so i kind of see this as maybe I'm not ready to have kids yet, but God is showing me that it will happen.
Thanks again Becky for sharing this. I apologise for the rant and TMI.. But it feels good to get it all out 🙂
Lindsay on June 4, 2016 at 8:38 pm
Thank you so much for writing your story, Becky! I am really encouraged to read this after a miscarriage similar to yours just this week.
Krysti on July 7, 2016 at 11:18 pm
I lost my baby today at 11 weeks. I find joy that our babies are in the arms of our risen Lord. We will meet them in glory.
Rachel Gardner on August 4, 2016 at 10:18 pm
Thank you for writing this. God gives the gift of words to provide us peace…I have experienced this and may my story join your eloquent one as a testimony to the peace Jesus provides…ergaogardner.blogspot.com
In Christ,
Ashley on August 6, 2016 at 10:48 am
I just lost my baby on July 26, 2016. It was my first pregnancy and nothing could have prepared me for what happened. Thank you for sharing your story of faith and hope. I was so mad at God because I was standing in faith, speaking the Word over my baby, and standing on all of God's promises. I knew God was good, and it was not His will this happened and it wasn't even that He allowed it to happen, but I couldn't understand. This Wednesday, August 3rd, I had hope again. Something broke off of me. Even though I still didn't understand, I can honestly say, "Lord, it is well with my soul." I still cry and miss my baby, but I know he or she is happy and healthy in the arms of Jesus! My baby will never hurt again, never have to cry, and the first thing my baby ever saw was the face of Jesus! Your story touched my heart, because I went through all of that, too. We have different experiences, but we've lost our babies. We've also seen the faithfulness of God
in the storm. Thank you!
LCB on September 6, 2016 at 5:37 pm
THANK YOU for sharing your story. It was definitely inspiring and hope filled. Reading this provided me with a different perspective on my own situation and for that I thank you. I had miscarriage last December after trying to get pregnant for 6 years. My husband and I were devastated. Before we could process and revel in our new upcoming roles as parents it was cut short. Before my first appointment to confirm the pregnancy it abruptly ended. So, now we are in the midst of our first IVF cycle. If anyone has done this, it's a roller coaster of an ordeal. We just found out that of our 8 embryos only one (1) will be transferred. Thinking we had a "reserve" (I realize how cold that sounds as I type) in case things didn't go as planned. I was completely heartbroken when the doctor's office called to say that only one would be transferred. Reading your post allowed me to do some reflecting/soul searching on our situation. I had a few concerns about the 8 embryos, well the whole IVF process…what do we do with the remaining if things go according to planned? Are we altering God's plans for us? Maybe we weren't meant to be parents…etc. Anyway, after reading this I think this is the Lord's way of taking care of the other babies. Seven of the 8 had chromosomal deficiencies. The more I pondered, the more I don't think I could handle birthing and burying a baby as most with missing or extra chromosomes don't survive. I think this was God's way of protecting us from THAT heartache. So, now I have to trust that this one baby boy will be transferred successfully. My apologies for such a long response. I really just wanted to say thanks for this encouraging post.
Lexy Hjelm on October 27, 2016 at 4:56 pm
Wow. I'm at work. Sobbing. At my desk, trying to hold back. You bring so much reality, love, and peace all together in this. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings on your sleeve. Years later and you've touched more. I needed this. To the core. It was this September that I lost my baby. Your story was sooo similar to mine. Even the "good news" call turning to frantic blurred calls that I still don't want to remember. We named our little one Asher Xavier. We chose to name him with a blessing, it's the moment that I finally felt peace that he will never be forgotten. My husband and I love him and are so grateful that we know we'll be able to meet him again. Please keep sharing. I've only read 3 of your articles and all of them have helped my depression and expression. (This one, Learning grace through your son asking the man if he knew Jesus, and where your dad's secret saved your marriage). You are incredible writer that has helped me feel that love of Jesus. Thank you so much for your light in the world.
Johanna on February 11, 2017 at 10:11 am
This is so beautiful. I had to stop reading a few times because i couldn't see thru my tears. I have two babies in heaven, one was a spontaneous miscarriage (09/11/2015) and the other was just last month… this time ectopic. The baby was perfect, ALMOST into the second trimester, just in the wrong place. My heart is hurting…. I needed to read this today. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
Janae on July 18, 2017 at 11:45 pm
Thank you for writing this, I've been reading your blogs/devotionals for a while. I've always skipped over the ones about miscarriage. It wasn't anything I wanted to read or think about, but now I am so grateful you shared your story. Two weeks ago, after having 3 healthy full term pregnancies I experienced my first miscarriage. Reading this helped. Thank you for being a faithful servant and writing for God. Holding onto hope!
Liz on December 26, 2017 at 3:43 pm
I stumbled across this article today as I was on Pinterest. We lost our baby 2 weeks ago and it has been the worst 2 weeks of my life. We had plans to tell people this week as we were so close to the second trimester.. I'm broken and feel like Christmas was ruined because of this..but I know God has a plan and I trust that he will comfort and help me find my joy. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in this and God will see me through.
Lesley-Anne on February 10, 2018 at 6:44 pm
Thank you for sharing you story. I have been struggling to find peace on my own path to healing and I greatly appreciated my words. I realized I had thought this was done to me… but truth is it was not. God has been here with me the whole time and even as ithers get pregnant and I don't: God is still with me. I need to say "no" to fear and "yes" to hope. Thank you for reminding me where to turn.
Airiga on April 5, 2018 at 8:20 pm
Thank you for this. I am grieving the loss of my daughter as she was due today. I had a miscarriage in October.
- Refreshed Perspective | Unspoken Words - […] read this blog the other day via a friend on Facebook (http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2013/09/01/hope-after-miscarriage/) and it spoke to me in a…
- To My Babies Who Play on Streets of Gold » Scissortail SILK - […] Some of the things that I write never make it to this page. I must be honest and share…
- Kansas Typewriter - […] http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2013/09/01/hope-after-miscarriage/ […]
- Overcomer-Renee | radical7even - […] and eased some of my nervousness. Also my other HIS and part-time therapist suggested this blog( http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2013/09/01/hope-after-miscarriage/). Now it…
- Life After Miscarriage(s) - The Paisley Peanut - […] is different. I recently read a blog post from another girl {Read her story here, and another one here}who…
- What I'm Reading This Summer | Erin Glenys - […] her thoughts, laced with love and kindness too. Reading her posts have challenged how I viewed Miscarriage, Abortion, and…
- heavy hearts. – Nikole Reuter - […] to happen to me… i still wonder. I searched online and discovered multiple blog posts good one here and…
- I lost my baby. - […] "I have trusted God through grief, and I have rejoiced with Him in gladness. This one thing I know,…
- 15.02.2011 Thayu Kiheo (Gift of Peace) - hiscreation - […] to blame for losing our children preterm), I finally stumbled on two thanks to the internet. One is Becky…
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I'm a best-selling author and full-time work at home momma writing and raising my family with my husband, Jared, just outside of Nashville. I connect women with real hope.
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365 prayers to put your momma heart to rest
There is something about a quiet house in the midnight hours that causes stress and anxious thoughts that have been ignored throughout the day to rise to the surface of a mother's heart. We understand how lonely and overwhelming those late-night hours can be. That's why we wrote Midnight Mom Devotional: 365 Prayers to Put Your Momma Heart to Rest.
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