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Hawai'i, welcome to the guild~!
Hello everyone. Ich bin Markis.
How is everyone? A friend of mine directed me here and I thought I'd have a look around. The place looks interesting enough and I must say I'm impressed by the number of active users in this community.
A bit about myself:
I enjoy writing, drawing, and roleplaying. My style is usually of a rather dark sort; sweet characters give in to corruption, all that is just falls to vice, the sins of the father carrying on to the son: that sort of deal. My drawings happen to be of a mixture of scifi and fantasy as well as a bit of surrealism. My roleplays match both of those styles equally and I feel that I create unique and interesting characters, rather than the same old copy/paste that you see quite a bit of these days.
I am a soldier, recently returning home from a deployment so I'm quite happy to be back. My creativity died a bit there, but now that I'm home I feel as though it can flare to life a bit now that it's not trapped in that dank, dark environment. I started off roleplaying in the Yahoo Chatrooms when I was around the age of ten and have been improving my skill and tempering my ability for the last 13 years or so. I consider myself decent.
I look forward to enjoying a few collaborative group roleplays with you guys.


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Joined: 29 Nov 2007
Posts: 1
Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 4:03 pm
Post subject: new member - are there online meetings here somewhere?
ain't no way to tell my story briefly :}
suffice to say my first bone was broken by my mother in the hospital right after my birth, (got one of those every couple of years)... forced to be her safety life for multi suicide attempts, .... beaten awake... etc yada yada... right thru to my request for a restraining order (AGAIN!) 2 years ago when at her age of 75 yrs old she came after me with a sledgehammer...
I am a survivor of child abuse, cancer and drug addiction with decades of counseling & 12 step recovery... but the core issue for me is living with this year after year after year...
so now I've survived it, the courts have finally protected me and I have found I am not alone in dealing with this....
sure could use some help in learning to thrive!
thanks for listening
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Joined: 06 Dec 2007
Posts: 1
Location: NJ
Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:37 am
Post subject: Hiya
Like the previous poster, I am a surviving victim of child abuse, both Mother and Father. Alcoholic/drug addicts..myself becoming an alcoholic.
I'm in AA for recovery and in therapy for dealing with the numerous forms of abuse by my parents.
I pray that I am a good parent and never carryover the abuse to my twin girls.
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Joined: 11 Dec 2007
Posts: 9
Location: Some where on the West Coast
Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 1:33 am
Post subject:
Hey, this is my third post today. :-x I guess I've proved that I'm not a spam bot! :-p
May I please post here as well. I am working on these steps too...*sighs*
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Joined: 18 Dec 2007
Posts: 1
Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:10 am
Post subject: Newbie
Hello, I am new to the site. Glad that I found it. Hope to find hope and healing here. Also interested in starting face-to-face group in my area.[/i]
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Joined: 19 Dec 2007
Posts: 4
Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:27 am
Post subject: newcomer
I'm 38 years old.
I've been trying to cope with being molested by my brother for years now, but deep down I knew there was something else.
Last week, I had a terrible nightmare about my father trying to touch me. When I awoke, I told myself that it was just a nightmare and tried to forget about it. I can't! Everyday since that nightmare, I'm haunted by fragments of memories. Not complete memories.
Most of my life, I've felt physically uncomfortable around my father. I wear baggy clothes and hide my body behind tables and walls when I have to make some kind of conversation. I know that these events are the reason why I've never been comfortable with sex and why I've never been able to sustain any kind of long term, intimate relationship.
It would help me to be able to share with others and figure out how to start the healing process.
TY, Sue
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Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 23
Location: CA
Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 6:03 am
Post subject: your father
I am no professional,
At this time I think you should take it easy on your father. A dream is much different than an actual memory.
What your brother did is very real.
My understanding (which is limited), is that female inherently look to fathers as protective figures. Perhaps your nightmares/feelings towards your father result from lack of protection.
Unless you have real memories I presume your dad to be innocent.
As far as an active interaction I have not found this or any other website to be very (what I am looking for-interactive)
I very highly recommend, however, looking at the ASCA (24) step program. You need to come to terms with the issues involving your brother (the fruggin prack).
I have more to say so respond if you are interested. On this discussion board I have tried to reach out but have not got much back.
Presume dad is innocent till you have a real memory.
David B.
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Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Posts: 4
Location: California
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 7:02 am
Post subject: I am ready to begin
I am 41. I am finally coming to grips that I am a mess and the mechanisms I built to make it are tearing me apart.
My father was a V Vet. Brain Tumor. VA did surgery & sent him home.
He came home different than he left. From the time I was very young I remember being physically abused by my father. I was punched in the face, head, and more. I was kicked. Up stairs, downstairs into walls and more. I stood up to him when he went after my mother and brothers beginning at age 5. My mother left and came back time after time. I am the eldest. I am the only one that made it out somewhat okay.
I had bruises on my spine until I was 19. Serious back spasms. I had uncontrollable nose bleeds when I was young and had my nose cavities packed with gauze. I ended up in the hospital numerous times.
The doctors and teachers tried to intervene but only delayed the next beating. When I was around 7 my father pushed my mother through Hollywood glass doors. He went to do more harm. I dialed 911. Police came, said it was a family matter and did not intervene. They left.
My father picked me up by the neck and began chocking me in his room holding me up off the floor. He locked the door. My mother got his service revolver and shot the door handle off. The last thing I remember is my mother saying put that baby down and me falling. Not long after he dug graves for us in the backyard. My mother left for the last time. He came and took us one day while we waited in line for school. I don't remember much of that day. I often placed myself in between my father and mother or little brothers and often was hit or kicked instead of them.
FBI and other agents came at one point because a gas station and a nurse among others burned down or disappeared.
I lived in fear each day of my life. We had a special gate for escape built in my aunt's fence in Westminster. But it didn't end there. My mother began beating me and saying things to me. Something I would wake up with her hitting me. My job was to watch my brothers from when I was very young, clean the house and feed them. While we were still with my father he would take off.Many nights my mother left me to care for my baby brothers while she went to look for him and bring him home. My father would give us his pills. One day he gave my second brother his pills and my brother saw things and had his stomach pumped. Another time mine was. When we finally left my mother moved to Tenn for 1 year when someone broke into our house. Then while we were in Tenn someone poisoned our dog and we moved back to CA again to my aunt's house.
He ran down the street naked. He dripped poop all over the house at times.
While we were at my Aunt's house living still I was around 10 my cousin who was a few years older than me took my brothers somewhere. I went to find them. My cousin was raping my youngest brother who was 5 and my second brother 7 was holding him down. I said I was going to tell. He threatened to rape me. When my aunt and mother came home I told. They beat me and locked me in a room with the washer and dryer for weeks. My cousin and brother started coming in and touching me. (I finally remembered this around a year ago).
I waited and one day when the door was unlocked I called the police.
They took me and took pictures.
I got put in a Garden Grove Shelter and they let my mom come and get me. She sent me to Illinois to be with an aunt. I was treated badly there too and became to want to die.
I was 11. I was sent back to CA and it continued. One day my mother was hitting me in front of a friend. My friend told me it wasn't okay. She said to come to her house if it happened again. I ran away to her house.
They took me to a shelter in Los Alamitos. In a few days my mom, aunt and uncle came and took me by force. Again locked me up.
I ran again, and again. Finally the state placed me in foster care. It was short term. I was sent to a group home- bad stuff, I ran away. Another place and finally Albert Sitton home. I was there a while.
I prayed a lot. I should mention that there was religious mania with my father as well after the surgery. I had religion shoved down my throat.
I prayed for a true church and a husband that would love me forever. I was 11.
The admin of the place came one day and said I was a good kid. What did I want? I said I wanted to go as far away from my parents as possible. They asked which direction.
I chose a place in central CA of two that were offered to me. I met my husband that first weekend (we didn't know that until 5 years later) and am in the same church now and feel my prayer was answered.
But the first home wasn't good, I ran away. A teacher took me in.
Then my social worker stepped in and said I was a good kid.
She and her husband moved me in with them.
I grew up there. I had my first panic attack there. They said they wanted a daughter but never accepted me for that.
So I started having relationship issues that were very noticeable when I was in my early thirties.
No one can quite put their finger on it- I just have some sort of tone that makes them think I am arrogant- or I come on too strongly even when I do not think I do. I have no happiness, never really have. I have 3 children and have had a hard life. My relationship is still intact 25 years later but it has been hard. I got cancer 6 years ago Thy CA, and now celiac disease.
This thing about me is costing me jobs and friends. I have an underlying sense of anger and doom. I feel sad. I need to fix myself. I don't know how to adjust my tone. Emotionally when my defenses are reached I am about a 3 or 4 year old level. I am very black and white in every thing I do. Help me. Does anyone else out there have such a background? Both my brothers have fried their brains on drugs to escape. I do not do drugs, do not drink, and am fairly strait laced. I seem to also practice self sabotage. Other than my husband and children I am alone in this world. I hide much of this from them. No one ever really helped when it was really needed, and I have never known love from a family for me. I have always put the other foot forward and kept moving. Bad things seem to find me. I have no sense of humor and when I try people find me offensive most of the time. I want to fix myself. I need to as much as I can. I need peace and harmony.
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Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 23
Location: CA
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 10:39 am
Post subject: Try art?
I am an artist, my history not so bad.
But maybe try to let you emotions out creatively?
Get a large sketch pad of paper (like big size from art supply place, 24 inch minimum) and pencils and differnt sizes of pens and just let your arms flail about. Do not judge the beauty of your work, just let yourself express yourself on the pages (use a lot of paper) And keep it to your self, hide your pictures until you are sure. Take classes at community colleges to get basic drawing techniques?
The "devil will find work for idle hands to do", stay positive and keep your hands busy.
I can ramble on about creative expression, just do it.
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Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Posts: 4
Location: California
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 6:07 pm
Post subject: Artist
Thanks David. I will think about this. I have at times had artistic outlets. My problem in a nutshell is I do not project what I intend to to others. If I could fix this- my tone- my method I would win half of my battle.
Beyond that when pushed to anger or frustration sometimes I respond as a child. I also view things in a black and white way, very rigid. A dear friend recently told me I am like a freight train.
I have so much information I know I vomit emotionally on people also sometimes when I talk to them. It overwhelms them. I collect data and experiences it seems and I am also a perfectionist. I go overboard.
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Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 23
Location: CA
Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 3:40 am
Post subject: perfectionism
Debbie? With artwork think only of yourself, do not care what others think.
Black and white, perfectionism? My perfectionistic (am I making new words?) I think come from trying to be overly correct due to bad actions against me when I was totally innocent. I was 3-5 years old and it was a neighbor. And to this day I fear unresonable repercussions for my actions. All actions. I think too much.
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Joined: 21 Dec 2007
Posts: 4
Location: Appalachian Mountains
Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 6:27 pm
Post subject: sharing here
may I post here?
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Joined: 19 Dec 2007
Posts: 3
Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 6:35 pm
Post subject: Bad things follow you around
littlesaddebbie, I am so sorry to hear about the awful abuse that you have suffered and my heart goes out to you. I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a neighbor, emotional abuse at the hands of my mother and father. I have been reading the posts and the thing that is most obvious to me is that there is a deep sense of despair and sadness here. I have recently been having flashbacks, intense anger, and thoughts of retaliation. However, I do not want the abuse to own me, I want to be me again and I feel that we can all do that if we find the right frame of mind. Arrogance, self-sabotage, self-hate are all things that we share collectively, and we certainly have a right to feel these things. The problem is that they are all negative feelings that we then turn in on ourselves and that just makes things worse. I have been reading about regaining self-esteem, working on gaining some as over the years I have been lacking in this. I suggest that we use this site as a place to encourage and support each other. Let's give each other ideas on how to achieve a level of normalcy in our behaviors and thoughts. As I mentioned before a good place to start is acquiring self-esteem. Start telling yourself on a daily basis, I am a good person, I deserve to be happy, I want to be happy. I no longer want the abuse to own me and destroy my life. A good way to start is to recognize your behaviors, be very aware of how you react to certain things. If they are bad reactions ask yourself why. Why do I react the way I do to this? Recognize the behavior and then make a concerted effort to overcome it, if you can do this you are regaining some control over your thoughts and actions. I have started to do this on a daily basis and it is slowly working for me. Thanks.
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Joined: 21 Dec 2007
Posts: 4
Location: Appalachian Mountains
Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 6:38 pm
Post subject: permission to post
Okay, so this is the last area where I will request permission to share. I'm not impatient, just very weary. I suppose that I am on a different time zone than the moderators, although I suppose that I could just look up locations on their profiles to be sure. I have several memories that I have always carried with me, and am two years into therapy.
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Joined: 19 Dec 2007
Posts: 4
Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 11:46 pm
Post subject: Thank you Pippy!
Thank you Pippy for giving me some constructive ideas on how to deal with my behaviour. Last night, I pulled out "Courage To Change" which is a well known book in Al-Anon.
Each time I open that little book, I feel like whatever I've just read is exactly what I was meant to read. This morning, I meditated before leaving for work to really ground myself and centre my energy. Lately, I've been so filled with rage that I'm lashing out at people who don't deserve to be on the wrong end of my anger. I too have felt like retaliating somehow, or seeking some kind of revenge.
When I read the passage from "Courage To Change", it talked about forgiving myself, taking care of myself, loving myself. I won't allow the perverse actions and the sick people who abused me to control my life any longer. The best revenge is living well!
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Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 23
Location: CA
Posted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 4:39 am
Post subject: althea you are posting here
althea, you are posting here. do not give up.
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text:
When I first told my parents that my best friend was gay, they were visibly a little unsettled.
Six months later, my dad was introducing my friend to a co-worker of his.
The co-worker asked "Is he gay?"
My dad's response was simply, "Yeah. Do you have a problem with that?"
His acceptance and tolerance GMH.


text:
I am on a severe food budget - approx $330 a month for 4 people (2 adults, 2 preschool boys growing like weeds). I am trying to go as paleo as possible within that budget. My hubby will join me... eventually (has a serious cereal habit, but we have talked about going full Paleo after the holidays) and I think I can get the boys on board. We do get some help in the form of WIC, but that means I have to get the foods they "prescribe" (low fat milk, cheese, cereal, eggs - yay - juice, produce - yay). As our budget is severe, I am not going to waste essential calories for my kids :)
I know budget questions have been asked before, and I am working through them. I have an idea - after a month of "flirting" with Paleo of what I want to get when I go shopping next month - I shop at a warehouse store and a high quality grocery store 1x a month - we live so far out in the country that it takes too much gas to do anything else.
Here is my list with prices I am fairly certain on. I think the amounts I am thinking will get us through the month. I was wondering if anyone had suggestions or tweaks on how to maximize our nutrition - foods that I need to add or take away... any suggestions will be taken under grateful advisement!
• Paleo grocery list quantities
• Coconut oil 58oz $35.00
• ground meat - bison 8lbs $45.00
• chicken 10lbs $20.00
• cauliflower 10lbs, frozen $12.00
• broccoli 12lbs, frozen $12.00
• bacon 8lbs $20.00
• sausage, breakfast links 2 24 piece boxes $20.00
• coconut flour 2lbs $10.00
• olive oil 16oz bottle $10.00
• eggs 8 dozen $20.00
• butter 8lbs $20.00
• onions 10lbs $10.00
• chicken sausage 4 6-link packs $20.00
• walnuts 2lbs $12.00
• almonds 2lbs $10.00
• curry paste 1 2oz jar $3.00
• coconut milk 3 1/2 gallons $10.00


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OK. . .The Dark night has sparked some thoughts about the actual performance of the Actor as The Bat Himself, his voice etc.
I loved West in the 66 series . . .that is a given.
Kilmer surprised me and I enjoyed him more than I thought I would, but definately a bit more of a pretty boy than seems appropriate to play Bruce Wayne.
Clooney. . .well his voice was the same whether he was Bruce or the Bat. . .and that just didn't seem to work at all for me.
What do you think????
Also What about the Animated Series. . .which portrayals did you like/not like?


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ROSEBORO — Mrs. Barbara Ann Westbrook, 64, of 507 W. Pinewood St., died on Friday, Dec. 28, 2012 at Sampson Regional Medical Center.
The funeral will be held at 2 p.m. Monday, Dec. 31, 2012 at Butler Funeral Home with Pastor Lillie N. Council officiating. Burial will follow at the Hall Family Cemetery in Wade.
The family will receive friends from 12:30 to 1:45 p.m. on Monday afternoon at Butler Funeral Home in Roseboro and other times at the home of her daughter, 505 Woodrow St., Clinton.
Services entrusted to Butler Funeral Home, 401 W. Roseboro St., Roseboro.


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Romeo and Juliet (Quarto 1, 1597)
Not Peer Reviewed
The Prologue.
¶Tvvo houshold Frends alike in dignitie,
¶(In faire Verona, where we lay our Scene)
¶From ciuill broyles broke into enmitie,
.5VVhose ciuill warre makes ciuill hands vncleane.
¶From forth the fatall loynes of these two foes,
.10(Through the continuing of their Fathers strife,
¶Is now the two howres traffique of our Stage.
.15The which if you with patient eares attend,
¶VVhat here we want wee'l studie to amend.


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Soon he finds himself pinned between trigger-happy FBI agents, shape-shifiting motorcycle gang members, a threatened mobster boss, and an heir to an ancient curse along with his primal fiance. Throw in environmental activists and a pair of young werewolves in love and you have something of Fool Moon.
©2002 Jim Butcher; (P)2002 Buzzy Multimedia
"I'm liking Harry more and more"
I was looking for another engaging series to try after reading all of Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse books and found Jim Butcher's books.
Harry Dresden, a wizard/detective in Chicago, is a very quirky, compelling main character who gets himself in one unbelievable predicament after another. I found the writing style of this second Dresden book to be decidedly improved from the first (Storm Front). Although there is still some hackneyed detective-genre prose to make me cringe at times, I am won over by Jim Butcher's talent for painting these characters, creating an intriguing paranormal universe, and some twisty-turny storylines that keep you guessing.
Fool Moon (nice pun, BTW) is about Harry's search to discover the source of a recent spate of killings, presumably by a werewolf. You will learn more about the different flavors of werewolf than you ever thought you wanted to know, and how they kill their prey (warning: not for the squeamish!)
I'm going to download the rest of the Dresden series because I just have to know what happens next to Harry and how he'll get out of it!
"One of the best books I've read in a long time!"
I first discovered The Dresden Files series on NetFlix and was instantly hooked. I was nervous about reading Jim Butcher's books after seeing the series, worrying that my preconceptions and possible knowledge of plotlines might take away from the experience, but there's so much more to the characters and stories that I didn't even think of the TV series as I listened. Wonderful characters, wonderful stories, wonderful prose. I liked Marster's narration better in the second book. In fact, as much as I loved the first book, I found the second far more enjoyable, suspenseful, and thought provoking.
Professor Opus
"Another great novel of the Dresden Files"
This novel is a turning point in the series. It is the second book in the Dresden Files and paves a strong foundation for turning a fairly light fantasy series into a substantial series with characters that live and breath. Murphy and Dresden begin to define the kind of friendship that will blossom into something very special.
Harry becomes something a bit more than just a brooding wizard as he begins to realize his responsibilities not just to trying to make a living but to his friends and his community of wizards.
James Marsten continues his excellent talent of reading these books and I disagree with a previous review that his delivery was shaky. His performance was stronger than the first book, Storm Front, and it continues to get better through the rest of the series.
I hope Audible gets all of the series. You should, too!
"Pretty good story line but poor reader"
Well I liked the story enough to put up with the reader's constant deep breaths and swallowing sounds..As soon as I would get engaged in the story, he would do something to remind me yet again that he was the reader and not the character...you can even hear him swallow every few minutes!
new reader please
"Howling entertainment"
With all the undead books out there it was surprising to find a werewolf story that is actually original. Lots of suspense and lots of laughs mixed together - very enjoyable detective story fun. Some adult content, tastefully written, but not for pre-teens.
"Couldn't stop yelling at the book"
I found Harry Dresden always feeling responsible for all of the other free-willed adults in the book, really really annoying. Couldn't stop myself from yelling at him whenever he started ruminating on his predicaments and how everyone else was in the position they were because of him. How self-centered. I rather like the character of Karen Murphy and was hoping she'd kick his butt, and if she did I'd continue the series. But my annoyance level is so high, I don't see myself enjoying any more of the series if the main character continues this way. I like the narrator, except for all the close up breathing and swallowing noises. Bummed I didn't like this more. Was looking forward to enjoying the series.
"Yeah, this is what you can do with your vampires!"
Found the Harry Dresden books by accident and have been hooked ever since. Marsters is the perfect narrator, nice and dry. The writing is tight and funny and suspenseful.
"Keeps you interested"
The second of the series, builds from the first with the characters becoming your friends, and we learn a little more from Harry's past. As with the first, this is a narrative told by Harry, mainly about the everyday life of the wizard. So happens, he has a very unusual life that lands him in trouble from day to day, and wizardry doesn't do much to pay the bills. This episode has him hunting for a werewolf murderer that has gone on a rampage the last couple of full moons.
It's a good story, with a few laughs here and there, along with all the crime solving. The narrator is superb, who scares me away from reading one of these books. He knows exactly how to deliver Harry, and all the characters with perfection.
"Good story, Great hero, interesting plot"
I like this series of fantasy novels, the hero is likable, the scenarios dangerous, exciting. Sometimes the "just in time" and "everything that happens is about me" plot lines gets to be too much though.
The reading is fantastic. Marsters really gets you into the characters perfectly.
I do wish the women in the story could remain clothed more often. For some reason they are always taking off their tops, which I understand can be appealing if you are an adolescent boy.
"Okay book"
This book really shows how useless and a whimp Dresden really is. I was really fed up with his character, so much baggage but I really LOVED James Marsters. His reading of the book is what kept me going.
It is a great story line but I would like Dresden to be less whimpy and be a bit stronger than what he is. People have stated the 3rd book is where things get better, I'm hoping so because Marsters can only keep my interest for so long if the stories keep showing Dresden to be so useless and a whimp.


text: Please feel free to bring your favorite non-alcoholic drink along with any munchies and/or desserts you'd like to indulge in while you're painting your masterpiece! We do require payment by credit card to guarantee your reservation. We also require 24 hour notice for all cancellations. If you choose to not pay online, please call the store, credit cards are used to hold the reservation and you can pay differently once you arrive. If we have a no show/ no cancellation, then the credit card that holds the reservation will be charged. Painting With A Twist reserves the right to cancel, postpone and change instructors or class locations in unforeseen circumstances. Classes with insufficient enrollment may be canceled; registrants will be notified approximately 24 hours before the class is scheduled to begin and refunds will be processed. Our regular scheduled classes are intended for painters 16 years old and up. Please let us know in the Special Requests sections when reserving a seat if you have any special needs or requests (such as being seated next to friends, in front of class, requesting to paint in a different color palette or handicap accessible). NOTE: We do not allow non-paying party members to sit in on a class. All guests must be a paid, fully participating customer. We are sorry if this causes an inconvenience.


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Tag Results
1 post tagged forgive
1 post tagged forgive
I don't tell the following stories. Ever. I have never written them but in private letters or my childhood diary. One was splashed all over the newspapers once, long ago - but only the facts, "just the facts, Miss." I don't breathe life into these by recounting mainly because they're painful enough in the transient, surreal images of reliving, that the retelling about sends me over the edge.
Sometimes though, in the sharing of secrets and shame, there is sweet release and revelation, maybe forgiveness, even acceptance. Of course, other times, there is only humiliation and the feeling of wanting to be swallowed up into the center of the earth and… just dead. I'm betting when I hit "PUBLISH POST," I'll feel a little of both. And I'll be better for it.
I was 5 years old. My step-father grabbed my hand and said he was going to read my palm. I was hesitant, wide-eyed, still as a mouse. He dug his fingernail into a crease in my hand and said, "This is your life line. Oh… I'm sorry, but you're not going to live very long." His laugh was manic, the way it was very late at night when all was dark and quiet. I tried to wiggle my hand away but he held tight. He traced along another crease in my hand and said, "But this is your sex line. You're going to have great sex." I didn't know that word, but I hated the way he looked at me when he said it.
I was 7 years old. A tall, black boy from the big grades shoved me up against the concrete wall outside the playground. With one hand, he held my neck, and with the other, my crotch. His breath was rank as he whispered right into my face, "I want to fuck you, white girl." I went home to my mother and asked her what "fuck" meant. She brought me into her bedroom, and told me about the birds and the bees. I sobbed, hysterically, while she stroked my hair.
I was 11 years old. I wasn't allowed to shave yet because my step-mom said so, but I had the lightest blonde hair showing up on my chicken legs and under my arms, and the boys in intramural P.E. made fun of me about it. I hid from them in the girls bathroom by pretending to my teacher that I had an asthma attack. Funny thing was I never had asthma. Funnier still, I was pretty certain she knew that.
I hated the Indian kids from the reservation because they all hated me. The boys especially were so scary. They spat at me, tossed my book bag on the floor of the bus, groped me when my back was turned; but, one spring during our field trip to Kettleman Hills Waste Management Plant, I let Jake - a 7th grade Tachi boy - hold my hand. The following Friday during our school dance though, he was said to have fingered my best friend Lacey. I didn't know exactly what that meant but it sounded bad, and Lacey never spoke to me again, so I was sure it was true.
I was 13 years old. I was in the back bedroom playing truth or dare with my best friend Diana (pronounced Deeahna because she was very Hispanic and proud of it, or maybe she was Hispanic and very proud of it) and her big brother Juanito. Of course, being me, I wanted a dare. Juanito thought a moment, turned to his little sister and commanded her to leave the room. She argued. A string of angry Spanish words and a flying book sent her out, presumably to tell her grandmother.
Then we were alone.
He said, "lick it." I had absolutely no idea what he was referring to. When he unzipped his pants, I was froze, looked away, instantly began to cry. He laughed at me, and told me to get out of his room. He became my boyfriend a few months later. I couldn't get out of touching it, but I refused to lick it.
I was 14 years old. I was seated outside on the grass at my science teacher's house while Mr. H readied the lawn mower. He had driven me home after softball practice that evening because my mom, sisters and I were having a crawfish dinner at his place that night. He and my mom were dating. Maybe. I didn't know. I went inside to use the restroom, and he shouted to use his because the other toilet was broken. I walked through his bedroom and suddenly he was behind me. He took my wrists in his hands, spun me to face him, and asked, "Have you ever been kissed?"
I stuck my chin out and said, "I have a boyfriend."
He laughed thinly, definitely at me, and I was angry but also embarrassed. He said, "You haven't been kissed by a man." He was holding either side of my face then, and without warning, he stuck his tongue deep in my mouth. My whole body shook with shock and fear and disgust and something maybe like desire, but I could feel his mustache and then his hands were kneading the flesh of my barely-there breasts and I was wishing I could die so I didn't have to know what all of this meant. He shoved me roughly away, and growled, "Get out of here now before I do more than kiss you."
I ran halfway down the block. I think part of me never came back.
I was 16 years old. I wouldn't have sex with my boyfriend no matter how much he pleaded with me, because it was a sin. I was waiting until I was married. Jesus had forgiven me for letting Mr. H defile my body and I was born again, washed clean by his blood, a virgin where it counted. Turned out my boyfriend was gay and he knew I wouldn't even have sex with him, which is why he chose me and pretended to want me and love me and have intentions of marrying me one day. It was a good cover.
I was 19 years old. It was my wedding night. We were in a quaint, little bed and breakfast right down the street from our house. We were both nervous, so we drank beer and played Scrabble. For three hours. As I lay there afterward, I felt disappointed, and proud. Because I had waited. I had voluntarily lost my virginity to my husband. On my wedding night. Then I wept, because I wanted it right back.
I was 20 years old. Nate was a recovering crack addict from my mother's Narcotics Anonymous group. I wanted to divorce my husband, kill my mother, and run far away from everyone I knew - but mostly myself. So I let him. A few months later, I packed my car, moved to Hollywood, and slept on his friend's couch for another few months, all the while letting him… I pretended this was my choice, it was freedom, it was me finally breaking free. But I was lying. So was Nate. He was not recovering at all. He stole my wallet. He stole my car. And even then I knew that was the least of what I had lost to him.
I was 23 years old. My mother was dead because I abandoned her. I was hiding from my family, my memories and my guilt down in San Diego - living with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years, playing at a fairytale. I tried to cry it out in the shower, and when he was at work, but the tears wouldn't stop. He was disgusted by my grief and depression. Toward the end, he wouldn't touch me anymore. I tried to give him a blow job one night and he stopped me, asked me turn and face away from him. He said he wasn't attracted to me because he had seen me cry too many times. And I died inside.
I was 26 years old. I was pregnant. The tissue that once tried to murder me from the inside out with its toxicity… the body that was once so broken and emaciated from chemo and whiskey and guilt… the skinny ankles and freckled nose and long toes and smallish breasts I loathed all my life were all rendered irrelevant… because I was a goddess. I adored my soft, supple skin and the roundness of my tummy and the sway in my buttocks. My husband didn't delight in me anymore, ever, but I delighted in myself enough that I didn't much care.
I was 28 years old. I wore a tiny black nightie and a shy smile. I sauntered into the living room and stood adjacent to the television where his eyes were focused on some CNN news program that was giving me a headache. I said, "Hey baby. You want to come to bed?"
He looked up. Saw me. But didn't. He said, "I'm kind of hungry. I think I'd like a bacon sandwich. Will you make me one?"
I stood rooted to the hardwood floor, my cheeks burning with embarrassment, my chest tight with… hurt so deep and fear so vast… but I said nothing. I walked into our kitchen, rejected and humiliated, crying silent tears as I made my husband his sandwich.
I'm 32 years old.
I'm 5'2 and 127 lbs. My hair is wavy, but not curly enough to be pretty, and I've noticed some grays - which are really more silver, and I'm glad for that. My eye teeth are crooked. Someone said it gives my smile character, but I always feel self-conscious about it. I have an ass that won't quit, but my breasts are mediocre at best. I have a garish scar on my right hip, a cigarette burn mark on the inside of my left wrist, and a dark mole that looks like a chocolate chip near my belly button.
This body is mine. It's mine to photograph, mine to write about, mine to learn and loathe, live and love in.
Yes, I want to be touched. I've always wanted to be touched so very much; but, I'll decide by whom, and I'll damn sure be more discerning… because a body this strong, this wildly fierce, honest, and wide open as mine deserves to be touched by only the most worthy. Or not at all.
xo. Sara LeeAnn


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- Distributes updates over the network
- Update cache saves internet bandwidth
- Clients update without direct internet access
- Included in the Emsisoft Anti-Malware package!
The problem:
In a corporate environment, imagine a LAN consisting of 100 client workstations. If each of them uses Emsisoft Anti-Malware and downloads up to 50 mb of updates directly from the internet at 9:00am every morning, this results in a considerable overload of the network infrastructure.
The solution:
Instead of downloading updates from the internet, the clients should get their updates from a proxy that is installed on a server in the LAN. The proxy caches all updates and if an update is already present in the cache, it does not need to download the file from the internet again.
Key Features:
- Caching of all updates for Emsisoft Anti-Malware to prevent multiple downloads of the same files from the Internet.
- Use of custom port number.
- Use of custom IP/port bindings.
- Update logging.
- Configurable cache folder.
- File type filters.
- The Update-Proxy is included in the Emsisoft Anti-Malware package and will be updated by the online update feature. File: a2updateproxy.exe
- Rename the config file "a2updateproxy_default.ini" to "a2updateproxy.ini" in order to use it with the proxy. The "_default" file will be updated by the online update.
- Edit the a2updateproxy.ini if you want to change the cache directory or the proxy port number. Default: Port 8080
- Start a2updateproxy.exe. It asks to install as a service on the first run. Without the service it runs in direct output mode.
- Check if the output says something like [ERROR]. Modify the config file or ask our support if you have problems.
- Start Emsisoft Anti-Malware, go to Configuration -> Update Settings, open the Connection settings, activate the "Use proxy server" checkbox and enter your proxy IP and port number into the fields.
- Run an online update to check if it works. With the first update there will be no noticeable difference to regular updates, but when another client downloads the same update, you should see a significant speed increase.
Detection &
0 false alerts
Real-World Protection Test
Will it run on my PC?
Yes - assuming that you're using Windows XP, Vista, 7, 8 or Windows Server (2003, 2008, 2012) - with the latest service pack installed. From Vista onwards all features are fully functional on x64 systems too. Emsisoft Anti-Malware Update-Proxy uses only 1-2 MB RAM.


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Policies that affect the public Certification Policy – The Georgia Archives' policy on certification and authentication of state and county records. Citations – Find guidelines for citing materials in the Georgia Archives in your family history or scholarly publication. Donate materials – Find out how to donate books, photographs, organizational records or personal papers. Stolen (or "Found") Government Records– Policy statement on the sale of government records and what to do if you discover some in a dumpster. Home | Contact the Office | Privacy Statement| Georgia.Gov | Search |
5800 Jonesboro Road


text: As pot goes proper, a look at the strange history of weed Share this story email Share this story «Previous 1 of 14 Photos Next » Read the story «Previous Next » « » Pot Through the Years FILE - In this May 23, 1966, file photo, people roll joints at a marijuana party near the University of California at Berkeley campus in Berkeley, Calif. In 2012, Washington state and Colorado voted to legalize and regulate its recreational use. But before that, the plant, renowned since ancient times for its strong fibers, medical use and mind-altering properties, was a staple crop of the colonies, an "assassin of youth," a counterculture emblem and a widely accepted - if often abused - medicine. On the occasion of "Legalization Day," Thursday, Dec. 6, 2012, when Washington's new law takes effect, AP takes a look back at the cultural and legal status of the "evil weed" in American history. (AP Photo/File)


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Why MS is dropping DVD-video playback in Win8
By Woody Leonhard
Microsoft has announced that Windows 8 won't support DVD-video playback unless you pay extra for Windows Media Center.
Consumers will be displeased, but Microsoft has dropped DVD support for some good reasons and there are good workarounds if you know the secrets.
The full text of this column is posted at windowssecrets.com/woodys-windows/why-ms-is-dropping-dvd-video-playback-in-win8/ (paid content, opens in a new window/tab).
Columnists typically cannot reply to comments here, but do incorporate the best tips into future columns.


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OFPP, SBA trying to fix small business contracting shortcomings
Procurement chief Joe Jordan and SBA Administrator Karen Mills highlighted three long-time challenges in a new memo to senior agency officials. Agencies have until July 9 to detail steps they will take to address three areas.
00GSA IS ELIMINATING VIRTUALLY ALL COMPETITIONgsaconcernVia Obama's blessings and initiative, GSA is incrementally shutting down all competition & destroying small businesses via each schedule. A total of $50 Billion Dollars which will cost tax payers additional billions. To clarify a GSA Schedule can be compared to a department in a store (in this case the store is GSA). Imagine if each store department one by one decided to buy from only 10 or 20 vendors rather than 10,000's and they gave these vendors a long term contract. And the store did this one department at a time, not all it once but over a couple yrs. Just imagine if Walmart decided to do this. Well it doesn't take a genius to figure out that they wouldn't be paying the lowest vendor prices for very long. This is exactly what GSA is doing. Via this socialistic procurement program GSA will definitely pay more in the future for products & services, while simultaneously destroying small businesses, disabled veteran owned companies, ect. Over 17,000 companies will feel GSA's wrath and 100,000's of jobs will be lost. This socialistic procurement program is called Federal Strategic Sourcing Initiative or FSSI. GSA is eliminating competition via this FSSI Program. The first to feel this FSSI wrath has been the GSA Schedule 75 which has shut down all competition via this socialistic FSSI program. This schedule is for office supplies. (Schedule 75) From a selection of 525 Schedule 75 GSA Contractors, orders are given to only 15 companies, including 2 "Big Box" retailers, namely Staples and Office Depot, both of whom have been brought up on fraud charges under 31 USC 3729 and SEC charges and were fined and penalized for millions of dollars already. GSA Schedules 70, 36, 67 are the next victims for eliminating free competition, destroying 1000's of small businesses and 100,000's of jobs. Hence small business vendors are being kicked out of GSA. There are ongoing SBA and congressional hearings going on ( http://smbiz.house.gov/UploadedFiles/Tucker_Testimony.pdf ) Rep. Mick Mulvaney, R-S.C last week read ( http://www.govexec.com/contracting/2012/06/small-businesses-may-get-left-out-gsa-procurement-modernization-lawmakers-fear/56181/ ) And many more hearings have been held. This is the irony, Obama supported The 2010 Small Business Jobs Act giving small businesses a chance to fairly and equally compete for government business. Obama then in 2010 gave the go ahead for GSA to eliminate free competition via the above Federal Strategic Sourcing Initiative. Schedule 75 was the first victim to lose free competition and all other GSA Schedules a total of $70 Billion are next. Keep in mind GSA is the largest and sometimes only way for small businesses to sell to the government. GSA claims by using this socialistic procurement method they will save billions of dollars. They claim GSA employees are overworked and cannot keep up with numerous vendors, auditing and price control, hence eliminating free competition is GSA's answer. GSA is incorrect & they currently have the ability to audit and control prices GSA and DoD both currently utilize very sophisticated web sites for buyers to use which currently have very sophisticated audit, price control abilities and 1,000's of interacting programs. I will prove it: 1) Go to gsaadvantage.gov… 2) In the search box put in: Q5950A Remanufactured Toner & Click the Go Button… 3) Now you will see the Sort By Most Relevant Drop Down Box, Hence select Price – Low to High… 4) Then you will notice all the different companies that offer this item hence to drill down if they are a small business, woman owned, 8A, veteran owned ect. Then click the very top description line that is underlined for given company, hence you will go into another page, hence go to the bottom of that page and see Socio, hence that tells you if it is a small business, vet owned, ect… 5) If they have questions go to mid part of page you will see: $Price EA sold and shipped by ABC Company, LLC Hence click the company name for their phone #, address, email address, phone #, and fax # 6) Also you will notice via gsaadvantage.gov there are symbols for environmental friendly products, Ability One, ect. Everything you need is here 7) DoD EMALL is exactly the same but you need a secure token to enter web site. Only vendors and buyers have a security token… 8) ALL GOVERNMENT BUYERS ARE TRAINED HOW TO NAVIGATE THESE SITES. These are my thoughts Why is GSA slapping competition in the face. Instead they should be slapping buyers hands if they make unnecessary and dumb over cost purchases. What is required is a very strict government buyer purchase program with very strict disciplinary action if purchases are made outside of given web sites allowing free and open competition within these web sites. I wanted to summarize a 21st Century Open market solution vs GSA's Socialistic FSSI Program : I strongly believe GSA should modify existing software to control buyers rather than eliminating competition via the FSSI procurement program. If buyer breaks protocol hence buyer would be disciplined. This software project can be done without additional funding. GSA, DoD & NASA can prioritize this software project via existing employed Software Engineers. It takes the will and priority to make this happen. From what I can see there are some really big holes in the procurement process. 1) Via this GAO report http://www.gao.gov/products/GAO-12-705T most purchases were made outside of GSA procurement web site www.gsaadvantage.gov. A solution to this problem would be take away the buyers PHYSICAL credit card and store the credit card information online via www.gsaadvantage.gov Again this can be done with no additional funding. Amazon.com is a perfect example. I know the government is not a company but I am certain GSA has great software engineers to accomplish this task via a top priority and no additional funding software project. For open market purchases buyer currently utilize fbo.gov and/or other existing procurement sites. The same projects can be accomplished via these sites. 2) An independent software company should be allowed to screen scrape information from gsaadvantage.gov to prove selected FSSI Vendors "DO NOT" offer the lowest prices/ best quality. 3) Via Vendor uploads develop back end software to monitor and reject outrageously priced items. Example a $25,000 toilet seat or $5,000 hammer. Statistical databases exist via the free market to determine low / high prices per item hence halting outrageously priced item(s) uploaded to gsaadvantage.gov. GSA software engineers would need to create software to utilize this database. 4) I believe various government buyers have different volume purchase requirements. FSSI is not a one size fits all solution. Example many government buyers have less than a $3,000 requirement. Internet purchasing may be more advantageous for this type of purchase. Example open competition via gsaadvantage.gov 5) GSA claims its employees are overworked and can no longer handle additional and/or existing vendors. All existing employee manual operations should be analyzed via GSA's Software Engineers to automate current manual human labor. It may be possible to handle unlimited vendors and buyers once this project is completed. Each new additional GSA Human assignment should be analyzed by software engineers for possible automation. 6) I strongly believe an independent software company should be allowed to give alternative 21st Century solutions versus FSSI. 7) There will be very little motivation for these very few FSSI vendors to vigorously compete via price / best quality. All prices are available via gsaadvantage.gov and each vendor will easily identify competitors. 8) Reduce the number of schedule solicitations. Currently GSA claims it costs $3,000 per year, per contract to maintain each contract and numerous GSA employees. There are 40 solicitations (GSA and VA). The solicitations should be consolidated down to a handful—with a goal of a single solicitation (contractors could then choose to consolidate their contracts or maintain separate contracts depending on their business models). The current structure of the schedules often forces companies to submit multiple offers for multiple contracts when a single contract would be more efficient. Consolidating solicitations allows companies to efficiently and effectively consolidate contracts rather than having multiple contracts across schedules and business lines. This approach would provide the opportunity for contractors and GSA to reduce costs associated with seeking, obtaining and managing multiple schedule contracts. It is an opportunity to leverage contractor and GSA resources through a more efficient structure. Consolidating schedules would lead to a more efficient and effective platform for market research by customer agencies. Also all human manual work should be analyzed via GSA software engineers for automation and efficiency. 9) It is this writer's belief FSSI is nothing similar to Corporate volume purchasing. Example lets take Walmart. They currently have 66,000 vendors and counting each day. FSSI eliminates virtually all competition with possible oligopoly price fixing. Keep in mind all vendor prices are available via gsaadvantage.gov Giving very few companies exclusive selling rights via a long term contract and eliminating competition is not the answer. Why have 1,000s of existing GSA software programs go to waste monitoring a few vendors. GSA needs to enhance existing software to truly and easily maintain a vigorous open competitive market via existing web sites (gsaadvantage.gov and other existing procurement sites). Programmatically controlling the buyer via software is the 21st Century Solution.32088{ "Agree":"1","Funny":"1","Insightful":"1","Disagree":"-1","Offensive":"-1","Troll":"-1" }0
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Butcher's Broom, 400 mg, 100 Vegicaps, Christopher's Original Formulas
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Christopher's Butcher's Broom Root Capsule
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A traditional herb for the circulatory and urinary systems. 100% vegetarian capsules.
Ingredients: Butcher's Broom Root.
As a dietary supplement take 2 capsules before each meal with 12 oz of water or as prescribed by your health care professional.
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Fundraising requires a plan that explains your club's goals for the project and how it expects to raise the money needed to make it work. Some projects are financed entirely through fundraising events, such as a charity dinners, bake sales, or car washes. Other times, your club will need to turn to outside funding sources, which may include:
Read more about fundraising in Communities in Action: A Guide to Effective Projects.


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09.Aug.11 Updated: England Athletics Coaching Conference - Midlands and South West - details
Speakers' details added: England Athletics is once again holding three major coaching conferences which cover the whole country - one in each of the north, midlands and south. This year the focus of each is slightly different and is based on input from coaches in each area into what content they would like to see.
08.Aug.11 Coach Development day being organised by Avon Network
The Avon McCain Athletics Network will be holding a Coach Development Day on Saturday 17th September. The day will consist of two strands: one for Endurance coaches and one for track and field.
07.Aug.11 Nominate those behind your success - deadline next week
Athletics benefits from the tremendous efforts and expertise of a dedicated team of volunteers. And we at England Athletics want to ensure that we, and the sport as a whole gives them the recognition they deserve! So whether it is your coach, your club, an official or another volunteer make sure that you nominate them for one of our awards!
01.Aug.11 Devon emerge victorious at SW Inter Counties
Devon Emerge Victorious From South West Inter Counties Championships
Devon emerged victorious from the South West Inter Counties Championships at Exeter, despite Avon winning four out the sprint relay races.


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Absolutely loved our time at this hotel. Staff were exceptionally friendly and helpful, the room and breakfast were the best we had experienced in our 3 weeks trip. We were really treated as valued guests and offered help with trip advice which we took. We intend staying here again!
- Official Description (provided by the hotel):
- The hotel Baita dei Pini in Bormio is open since 1957 and is famous for its long tradition of hospitality and as a place where holiday-makers can devote themselves entirely to relaxing and unwinding, engage in sport and active pursuits in the midst of unspoilt nature surronded by breathtaking mountain scenery, not to mention the superb food and wine.Hotel Baita dei Pini is situated in a superb location, just a short walk from the historic centre. ... more less
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- TripAdvisor is proud to partner with Booking.com, Hotels.com, Priceline, Expedia, Venere and HotelsClick so you can book your Hotel Baita dei Pini reservations with confidence. We help millions of travellers each month to find the perfect hotel for both holiday and business trips, always with the best discounts and special offers.


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We've all heard how our world is 'a village', where time and distance matter less and less, and where many of us can connect online, like now. But it's one thing to sit at home checking a country on Wiki, to visit it on holiday, or to pass through on a business trip. It's quite another to live and work abroad, long term.
In this report for ELLE magazine, two women from Romania and two from Moldova talk about the years they've spent in Africa. How does it feel? What are the pros and cons? How do you get a job there?
We're in an SUV, driving on a long, wide and very straight stretch in downtown Bamako. It's chaos out there: honking lorries, swerving cars and buzzing motorbikes. Dana Le Roy points at the road ahead: "Guess what this used to be?" she asks. I shrug, clueless. She explains with a smile: "An airport runway." In the front seat, her husband Jerome chuckles and turns to face me. "How's that for improvisation?" he says. "Welcome to Mali."
The Le Roys know a few things about improvisation. Jerome is a French diplomat who juggles big EC budgets; Dana is a Romanian medical doctor who drifted into media. They've just arrived after four years in Rwanda where Dana produced documentary films for Internews, an American NGO that uses media to boost development in emerging democracies.
Dana has a quick mind, bright eyes and a naughty smile. She enjoys living and working in Africa, even if it is a challenge at times. She talks fast, hardly pausing for breath as she answers my questions. Her enthusiasm is contagious.
What brought you to Africa?
"Jerome's first job with the EC, as senior accountant in Rwanda. We arrived in 2004 and I first got involved with Save the Children, a UK charity promoting children's rights. Often, I was the only foreigner so I had to think on my feet and learn a few local phrases to get through the day. Plus, I did a lot of travelling around the country, living in containers. That was tough!"
"Then I moved to Internews. Initially, my job was to close it down, since its public education film-making project, Justice After Genocide, was complete."
Except being stubborn and determined, you soon had other ideas?
"Yes! The previous manager trained twelve local staff to international standards and installed AVID digital editing suites. They had made thirty-five films about post-genocide justice, shown around the country on mobile screens and in prisons, with public debates afterwards. This made me feel that our bosses in Paris and the USA had the wrong idea. It seemed a waste to close such a project and I wanted to keep it open, to find different subjects for more films that would contribute to Rwanda's stability and development."
After a bit of head scratching, networking and lobbying, it paid off. Over the next three years, Dana helped to secure almost €1m from diverse funders including the EC, World Bank, UNDP, US embassy, UK government and Rwanda's tourism office. During this time, she produced seventeen new films on range of issues such as the demobilisation of child soldiers, a dance festival, and how football helps peace. One of the most powerful is a film about an EC-backed construction project in Kigali, where local people worked for five years to repair a dangerous ravine that had sliced their neighbourhood in two.
I watched the film at Dana and Jerome's cool marble-tiled home in Mali. Needles to say, the bridging of the ravine – a geological divide – provides a perfect metaphor for peace and reconciliation.
Onscreen, you see Hutus and Tutsis, former killers and genocide survivors, sweating side-by-side in mud and rock to rebuild their community with their bare hands. One couple even fell in love on the project and were later married. "When we showed the final film, people were in tears," says Dana, with a sigh of professional satisfaction.
But her favourite film is the one about the fabrics. She and her team got the idea when looking for a story about reconciliation in a huge refugee camp near the border between Rwanda and the Democratic Republic of Congo,
"Those two countries share a long troubled history. In one IDP* camp there were more than 100,000 people living in tents. These were not poor people, but well-fed farmers with large families, who had escaped from conflict. Now they were living on thirty grams of flour a day. Sheer hell."
Of nearby Goma in Congo, Dana says: "The town full of volcanic lava from recent eruptions, everywhere looks gray and depressing. But we noticed a tailor in the camp, making clothes from the brightly patterned 'pagne' fabric that is so popular in so many African countries. Men buy romantic patterns for sweethearts and vice versa. Socially, it's important to look smart. We said: look, that's our story! Because pagne represents a shared culture, not conflict or difference."
How did the locals react?
"They loved it. We filmed in both Congo and Rwanda. They said politicians, not ordinary people, cause conflict. The Rwandans cherished the pagne fabric imported from 'our friends across the border'. Most of these women have seen terrible times, horrific violence. It's hard not to get sad when you talk to them. We wanted to tell a happy, uplifting story for them. I think we succeeded."
As a wife and mother, how do you balance work and home?
"I don't travel so much since we had Theo. It's not easy hearing your 2-year old son on the phone: Mummy you promised, when are you coming home?'
And how do you feel about Romania, these days?
"Hard to say. I love my country and it's not so grey anymore, people in airports are happier, first impressions are better. But Romanians are beeping their cars all the time, nervous and stressed and for what? Coming home from Africa, that's very bizarre.
Violeta Cojocaru sips her mineral water and smiles, shaking her head and staring into her glass as if puzzled by something. Then she tells me why.
"A local shamen will mix a traditional concoction for a new baby, to honour the spirit world. The mother gives it to the baby to drink. The baby gets diarrhea from the dirty water. Sometimes it will die. That's what we are up against. That's why this work matters. That's why I like my job."
We are sitting in the outdoor café at UNICEF in Niamey. It's cool under the large conical roof of thatched grass, but scorching hot in the courtyard beyond, where fat lizards watch us, heads tilted. Violeta is Programme Communication Specialist with UNICEF Niger. She has short brown hair and a serious look. But when I make a comment about the lizards doing press-ups, she laughs hard and loud. You need a sense of humour in Africa, especially in a serious job.
"We target mothers, fathers, grandparents, community leaders, health staff, any sort of caregiver. We try to change specific behaviours and practises, within families and communities."
What kind of behaviour are you seeking to change?
"In Niger, our main concern is child survival. Our research identified seven essential family practises and eight essential services that need to be provided if a kid is to have a decent chance of a healthy life. For example, birth delivery in a safe and clean environment; exclusive breast-feeding to prevent babies drinking dirty water, hand washing; proper drilling of wells; proper use of rehydration salts; access to vaccinations; use of mosquito nets and so on."
But how do you transform theory into practise?
"That's the hard part. It's not enough for us to have the information, we have to get it to people in a way that resonates with them, so they will engage, become curious, adopt new ideas, change how they live and know why."
What works best?
"Radio is the most powerful method, it's popular and well established. Print is only strong in cities and TV has a small audience. But when talking about health issues, anywhere in the world, the most effective communication is interpersonal, either one-to-one or in a group debate. This requires a visual element too, something interactive. If people feel their questions are being addressed, if they can see or hear about other people who changed their own behaviour and benefited, then they are more likely to follow that example. It's not enough just to say 'This is what you must do'. So we use drama and sketches and discussions and broadcast the results on the radio."
But Niger is a massive rural country. Where do you start?
"We have two methods. First, we create a network of local community animators who each have their own area with a specific number of families they are supposed to visit and organise public discussions on specific issues. This is quite hard work for us because we have to monitor them and make sure the work is done properly. The second method is on a larger scale, where we link the community animators to several big international NGOs and work through radio."
How do you measure your results?
"We use KAP studies to monitor Knowledge, Attitudes and Practise. We have a big evaluation going on right now, to assess our reach. Next month we'll find out who listens, what they like, how much they learned."
The friendly waiter clears our table and the lizards dash for cover. Violeta sighs and sits back, perhaps wondering what the assessment will reveal.
It sounds like important work. How did you get into it?
"I was a print journalist in Chisinau with Basapres, the first independent news agency in Moldova. Then I was a stringer for Deutsch Welle, social affairs. When UNICEF opened in Moldova in 1995 I covered their activities. The more I learned, the more interested I became. Plus, after eleven years covering the same beat in a small country like Moldova, I needed a change. I got a job in communications at UNICEF then began to specialise in Behaviour Change. In 2003 I attended a 3-week summer school hosted by New York University and the World Health Organisation. It was a real eye-opener, I learned so much, notably from Everold Hossein, a communications guru with the WHO."
Do you enjoy living in Niger?
"Yes! The people are friendly, Niamey is a very calm city, I don't feel any aggression. It's not crowded or polluted. Plus there are animal reservations, local markets and very rich traditions. It's interesting. It's a bit hot in summer and I miss my husband and daughter, but she's grown up now and we'll all meet soon."
How do you relax?
"I play tennis twice a week and I recently discovered a gardening class. I was having driving lessons too, but my instructor crashed the car!"
And you have a kitten for company?
"Yes, Tigrusa. She runs up my door and stares inside the house."
Perhaps she's wondering what brought you to Africa?
Violeta laughs aloud as she poses for a photograph. Then we say goodbye and she strides back to her office. She knows the answer.
Cezarina Trone brings a salad and cold drinks onto the quiet terrace. She has a deep tan and wears loose linen with her long brown hair swept back. She has the graceful moves and tight skin of a yoga practitioner. A local gardener sprays lush green foliage nearby, the arcs of water glint silver in the late afternoon sun. Sitting on this idyllic, shaded spot, overlooking a swimming pool while exotic birds chirp in the trees, it's hard to believe we are in one of the poorest places on earth.
The Republic of Niger is a huge country, almost 500,000 square miles, dominated by the Sahara desert and scrubland. It has a population of over 14 million. It also has a lot of goats grazing any patch of green.
In the north, a low-level military insurgency simmers among ethnic Tuareg rebels, who want a greater share of political and economic power. Some observers say the place could slide into serious trouble. But for now, it feels safe enough. It's also home for many ex-pats, including my host Cezarina, a Romanian based in the US, who is currently working in Africa as a teacher.
Cezarina seems happy with life in Niger but knows it's not so easy for others. We'll come back to that later. For now, I'm curious to find out what brought her here. Her eyes sparkle as she chats, her infectious laughter echoes around the garden walls.
"I moved from Romania to the USA in 1996, aged 20, to marry an American. My Romanian teaching degree was not valid there so I studied at Southern Illinois University and qualified to teach in elementary schools. Later I got divorced and moved to Ohio, where I began teaching. One day, still trying to find myself, I asked God or the Universe to help me. A minute later, by telephone, I was offered a job teaching in Africa. It was totally unreal, like divine intervention, but just what I needed. So I came. It's been a challenge, but fun!"
You say you have a creative, artistic approach to your teaching at the American International School of Niamey. What do you mean?
"I teach young children and to me that's a big responsibility, because they're tomorrow's adults, right? So, I feel we should empower them as much as possible. When I first arrived, their lessons followed the classic US model, which is OK. But after I noticed they responded very well to creative activities after school, I began to weave those elements into the normal teaching day, using ideas I had developed as a teacher in the US. The response has been amazing."
What do you add, specifically?
"Creative dance, finger painting and yoga, things like that. I consider yoga both an art and a science. It's been proven to be very effective with kids. I integrate the physical exercises with poems, songs, dances and poses… whatever works."
Since AISN charges fees of $10,000 per child per year, parents presumably expect progress. As a teacher, how do you measure success?
"I truly can see and witness the changes in the children as they get a chance to express themselves. It builds their self-confidence, deepens personal relations within the class and at home too. Kids come to me saying: I sang the yoga 'getting-up' song this morning to wake my parents and they got up and did yoga with me! And I'm sitting there smiling because it's just really beautiful to hear that. Little by little we added more elements, such as a website where the kids and their folks can contribute and see photos of our activities. It's great!"
Judging by the comments of two pupils, Cezarina's approach is popular.
Vanessa from 1st Grade says: "It's fun to come to our school because you can learn new things and fun stuff like math, spelling, yoga, arts and crafts, painting, dancing, reading, show and tell, listening to stories, having visitors come over, making new friends, singing, going to the library, gardening!"
Little Khadriana from Kindergarten adds: "I love school because I learn how to read and write. I like our reading cave where Ms. Trone reads books to us. I like when we have Native Amercan names; mine is Dancing Star. I like singing and yoga."
And the grown ups? ASIN Director Ms. Debba Robinsnon clearly approves:
"Cezarina brings an energy and enthusiasm to every activity. With her thoughtful motivational quotes, web sites and a spirit of love and acceptance, she touches all our lives and brightens up the corridors of the school."
We finish our salad and it's time to say goodbye. On the dusty street outside her home Cezarina mentions her plans to teach yoga at a local Muslim school in 2009. But she seems troubled for a moment when she spots a couple of local kids playing in the dirt nearby: "I'd like to do something for these little ones too. That's my dream. The kids at ASIN are privileged and have everything. But poor kids need empowering too. Tomorrow's adults, right?"
Lilia Gheorghiu looks tres mignon, as usual, with a reserved manner and a big, friendly smile. Her husband Ben towers beside her. He's quick-witted with bright blue eyes like Paul Newman. They've been on the road since 1998, living and working in Armenia, Hungary, Slovakia, Kosovo, Rwanda and now the USA. We last met in Kigali, June 2005. Tonight we're in a Thai restaurant in Washington and I've forgotten my tape recorder. How professional.
Lilia is from Moldova, an accountant with a PhD in maths. She's got a new job here in DC, as 'Grants Finance Compliance Officer, International Programs'. She's with an American NGO: Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids.
Cool name, but what does your NGO do?
"We have a number of departments in the US and overseas. We mostly lobby for changes in legislation on tobacco control: more taxation, smoke free zones, banning ads and so on. Overseas we issue financial grants to other NGOs who share our goals. We discuss the best ways they can tackle similar problems in their own countries. For example, how to get the laws changed on taxation."
What is the link between taxation, tobacco and kids?
"Research shows that the more tobacco costs, the less accessible it is to kids and the less they are exposed to it. Also, more people begin smoking as kids than they do as adults. We don't tell people to quit smoking, we make it difficult for kids to start smoking by reducing their exposure to it."
Who started the NGO and who funds it?
"The campaign was started twelve years ago by people who were passionate about tobacco control. They lobbied for donations and it grew, becoming part of a larger body. Bill Gates contributed and Michael Bloomberg, the New York billionaire, gave over $125m. He has specific aims and that's why we don't campaign for smoking cessation, it's too costly and hard to evaluate. Instead we focus on four or five priority issues in priority countries, where smoking is a problem and kids are vulnerable due to a lack of legislation."
How do you measure success?
"It's easy. By checking whether or not a country has changed the laws on taxation, advertising, sales of tobacco, tobacco lobbying etc. For example, India recently went 'smoke-free'."
But why would a government listen to your NGO?
"Because higher tax generates more money for them; smoke-free zones prevent illness, which boosts productivity and reduces the financial burden on health services; a visible commitment to the health of children wins votes at election time and helps politicians get re-elected."
You've lived and worked in Rwanda. How do you find it?
"Good and bad. From a professional point of view, I was successful because most of my colleagues lacked higher education or good accountancy practise. On a personal level, I found it a shock to live among black people, but I adapted and enjoyed the attention. It can be drawback when you wish to blend in, but that's how a black person would probably feel in an all-white place?"
You spent time in Nigeria too, how do they compare?
"Nigeria is huge, you meet a lot of educated, well-informed people. I felt like a small fish in a big pond. Nigerians say whatever they want and it feels like a real democracy. But Rwanda doesn't and unless it becomes more open and democratic, I feel there could be another genocide."
What might a Westerner learn from living in Africa?
"At the local, practical level, Africans have a remarkable ability to improvise and make the most of what they have, they are not wasteful. On a spiritual level we can learn from people who have survived massacres but talk about it in a very calm and dignified way, without tears or anger. How would we react, in their shoes? We should also learn from how some Africans react to foreign aid: they feel it's their right. We are building too much aid dependency. I don't know how to change it but I'm not comfortable with it."
Is Moldova changing?
"Yes! People used to have a Cold War mentality. I used argue with them. Now we have the same old discussions but they agree with me! They see I was right about the rise of China!"
Will people in Eastern Europe ever reduce their tobacco habit?
"For sure, our campaign is very effective. Turkey went smoke-free last year. It just requires a government to see the advantages and change the laws. Russia might take longer, though."
Do you ever feel envy towards you, among people back home?
"Yes. Some people think I married an American then I got good jobs. But my career was already on track when I met Ben, because I had always worked hard. Sure, he broadened my horizons, but I got those jobs because of who I am, not because of who he is."
How do you relax?
"I like balancing our accounts, I like knitting and I dream of a nice home with a big garden."
If extra-terrestrials exist, will we use maths to communicate with them?
"I don't know, I never thought of that!"
(First published in ELLE magazine, February 2009, by S.C. Edipresse A.S. SRL, Romania. Photos by Mike Ormsby & Jerome Le Roy)