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The Atlantis Infirmary Rulebook
After the surprising success of SGA-1's Off-World Survival Guide, Dr Elizabeth Weir decided that each department should have its own set of rules and regulations. When asked for the reasons behind the idea, the dark haired expedition leader simply smiled and said that it would be a good morale booster for everyone.
What she didn't mention was the fact that now all of the off-world teams were more or less behaving themselves whilst on missions, their idiocy seemed to have spread through the city like wildfire. Quite frankly, she was astounded by the sheer stupidity on display in Earth's best and brightest. To test her plan out, she persuaded Dr Carson Beckett to write a trial version for the medical staff - or at least, that was the official version. She'd actually cornered the loveable Scotsman one evening and blackmailed him.
Carson wasn't too thrilled to be playing guinea pig, but the thought of everyone on base seeing video footage of him blind drunk and singing the X-Rated version of 'I'm a Little Teapot' while in drag made it hard for him to refuse.
And so it was that a couple of weeks later, the first chapter of the Atlantis Infirmary Rulebook appeared...
Rule 1: Never argue with Dr Beckett.
A. He gets mean when he's angry.
There had been an incident involving SGA-4 and several crates of emetics. No one really knew any of the details, other than the fact that Dr Zelenka had overheard a heated argument between Captain Flintlock and Carson. Even more suspicious was that their 'conversation' happened only hours before all of SGA-4 were admitted to the infirmary with severe stomach upsets. 'Food poisoning' was the official diagnosis, but everyone in the city suddenly started to pay much closer attention to this rule.
It also meant that the Chief of Medicine got the pick of desserts at every meal.
Rule 2: Do not bribe the nurses.
A. You're giving the doctors ideas.
B. The nurses won't share with us.
It had all started when Major Lorne had offered Nurse Cindy two boxes of Liquorice Allsorts if she could get him out of having a 'flu shot. The other nurses had gotten wind of it and now had a hugely successful business set up. Needless to say, they were not happy campers when Carson put this rule into force - they'd made a fortune in snacks.
Rule 3: Do not bribe the doctors.
The nurses were bordering on violence when the doctors usurped their racketeering scam, almost leading to all out war between the two sides. Nurse Cindy now had a broken arm, while Dr Lawrence was sporting a full length leg cast. It was only when Elizabeth got really angry that they called a truce of sorts.
On the bright side, it meant that neither group got first dibs on the popcorn supplies any more.
Rule 4: Do not bribe the Scientists.
A. Or the Military.
B. Or any of the Command Staff.
C. Stop it, people!
It seemed that everyone wanted in on the nurses' original scheme, Elizabeth included.
Rule 5: Do not flirt with any of the above.
Carson had been thinking of Major Lorne, Lieutenant Cadman, SGA-7 and SGA-13. Everyone else was thinking of John. Now John was upset and refusing to speak to Carson, SGA-7 were quietly plotting revenge, Lorne and Cadman couldn't stop laughing and Rodney was trying to make everybody else's lives hell for upsetting the feral haired pilot.
Rule 6: Do not try sneaking out of the Infirmary when you think no one's looking.
SGA-13 had tried this to avoid having their booster shots. After a three hour game of cat and mouse that covered most of the city, Carson eventually caught up with them. No one really knew what happened next, but the team spent the rest of the week walking funny.
Rule 7: You can't trick the Ancient scanners, even if you DO have an ATA super gene.
To avoid being placed on medical stand-down, John had tried to get Rodney to fiddle with the scanners to hide a broken bone in his hand. When Rodney's attempt to programme in an earlier scan failed, John attempted to charm the machine with his ATA gene. To cut a long story short, it wasn't successful, leaving John not talking to Rodney, who found the entire incident hilarious, and Carson on the warpath.
Rule 8: Do not start singing to get out of here quicker than normal.
For reasons that were really best left unknown, SGA-3 had decided that it was a good idea to serenade the medical staff so that they could be released a day early. They were very, very wrong, and also provoked the next rule...
Rule 9: Songs from 'The Sound of Music' are hereby banned from the Infirmary.
SGA-3 really should have stuck to something by Andrew Lloyd Webber - or mimed.
Rule 10: The Infirmary beds are NOT to be referred to as 'slabs of bone shattering agony'.
Carson overheard Rodney complaining about the mattresses and made the abrasive physicist come in for an extra set of vitamin shots. Rodney wasn't happy, but John thought it was hysterically funny and finally snapped out of his funk.
Rule 11: Stop trying to charm Nurse Bella.
A. It doesn't work.
B. You're scaring everyone, Ronon.
Nurse Bella, who was 6 foot 2 and built like a wrestler, was often referred to as the Medical Department's 'secret weapon' by John and Rodney. And for good reason - no one argued with her and lived to brag about it.
Ronon, however, tried to charm her in an effort to avoid having to use a wheelchair after an incident with a cliff. Although it didn't work (and left everyone more than a little concerned about the Satedan's current mental state), he came out relatively unscathed. Even more surprising was the fact that since then, Bella had been much more tolerant of his antics.
Rule 12: Do not use Dr Weir's make up as camouflage.
A. It makes you look like something out of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'.
B. She'll go postal.
C. EVERYONE will suffer.
When SGA-5 had returned from P9X-876 with a rather nasty viral infection, they had tried to conceal just how ill they looked by using Elizabeth's make up. Carson was less than amused, Elizabeth was ready to commit murder... and John and Rodney laughed themselves sick.
Rule 13: Hiding Dr Beckett's needles will not work.
A. He has LOTS of spares.
B. He'll find you.
C. Eventually.
Following in the footsteps of SGA-4, SGA-10 had resorted to hiding all of the Medical Department's syringes. It didn't end well and the team now found themselves subject to weekly 'vitamin' shots in rather delicate places.
Rule 14: Crutches were invented for a specific reason.
A. It wasn't to use them in the Atlantis version of the Egg and Spoon Race.
The Marines had gotten bored. When 23 people were admitted to the Infirmary, Carson went into meltdown, Elizabeth got a migraine and John yelled himself hoarse at those involved - mainly because they hadn't asked if he wanted to play.
Rule 15: Do not steal Dr Beckett's tea.
No one knew who had decided to abscond with the Scot's beloved tea stash or the reasons why, but when Carson went catatonic, the tea was promptly returned to his office with a huge banner saying: 'We're sorry, Doc'.
Rule 16: Do not spike said tea either.
As it turned out, the mystery tea thieves had replaced part of the used contents with an off-world equivalent. That would have been fine apart from the fact that the replacement was hallucinogenic. Elizabeth promptly confiscated the stash, replaced it with normal Earth tea and banned anyone from bringing unchecked substances back to the base. Carson was fine, once he'd stopped raving about the 'wee green raccoons of doom'.
Rule 17: Treat the Medical Personnel with respect.
A. That means YOU, Kavanaugh.
The long-haired bane of the Science Department had secretly filmed Dr Beckett's hallucinogenic tea high and decided to broadcast it throughout the city during a rest day. After the amount of death threats he received, he was forced to go into hiding.
Rule 18: Staging elaborate diversions so that you can escape from the Infirmary will not work.
SGA-9 had tried this. Nurse Bella and Ronon formed an unholy alliance and caught them. No one was saying anything about what happened next, but SGA-9 still flinched every time they saw brooms.
Rule 19: Neither does staging a fake Wraith invasion.
Whilst in the isolation ward after touching something they shouldn't have, John and Rodney had gotten bored and decided to stage a jail break by simulating a hologrammatic Wraith fleet. One thing led to another, and when the entire expedition went into hysterics, the boys were forced out of their hiding spot to 'fess up. They were both less than thrilled to discover that Carson had extended their Infirmary stay by a week.
Rule 20: Stop trying to pull rank.
When everything else failed, John tried this trick. He really hadn't learnt his lesson after the fake Wraith attack.
Rule 21: Do not use puppy dog eyes, fluttering eyelashes or excessive pouting whilst in the Infirmary.
John, Lorne, Teyla, Parrish and Cadman were disconsolate when this rule came into force. Everyone else just laughed.
Rule 22: Stop asking SGA-1 for escape tips!
The gang were officially busted. When an apoplectic Carson confronted them, they hastily apologised and promised not to do it again. Unfortunately, Carson saw Rodney cross his fingers behind his back and the team found themselves on domestic duty in the Infirmary for a month.
Thankfully, they only ended up cleaning bedpans for a week because Ronon lost his temper and beaned Rodney with one.
Rule 23: Do not skip pre and post mission check-ups.
Dr Weir enforced this rule when Carson started crying and claiming that no one liked him anymore.
Rule 24: Do not make Dr Beckett cry.
Everybody felt really bad for upsetting the Scotsman and promptly threw him a surprise party.
Rule 25: Sulking will not be tolerated.
SGA-1 were still unhappy about Rule 22 - and because they weren't allowed to go to the party.
Rule 26: Dr Beckett's penlight is strictly off limits.
A. That means EVERYONE.
B. Especially John and Rodney.
C. Period.
Certain well known expedition members (John and Rodney) had decided to invent new games to keep themselves amused during down time. 'Hide the Doc's Flashy Stick of Pain' had become incredibly popular with them. The only problem was that most of the base had started to play it on a regular basis and Carson had almost had a breakdown.
Rule 27: The Infirmary is not to be referred to as 'the pit of unending pain and despair'.
Rodney had struck again.
Rule 28: Gurneys are not skateboards, people!
John was teaching his men some very bad habits. When he, Lorne and Ronon had walked into Carson's lair sporting broken bones, concussions and various contusions, the Scotsman had blown a gasket. It was only thanks to some quick thinking and fast talking on Rodney's part that John's cherished skateboard was saved from the incinerator.
Rule 29: Lighters are hereby banned from the Infirmary.
A. Do not give SGA-12 anything that can start fires, people.
The expedition found out the hard way that SGA-12 were closet pyromaniacs. While recovering in the Infirmary after contracting the Pegasus Galaxy's version of Malaria, they had managed to set fire to several privacy screens and caused the fire extinguishers to go off. Although seeing the entire Medical Department covered in foam was amusing, Elizabeth ordered the rest of the base to keep an eye on SGA-6.
After all, no one actually knew where they'd managed to get the lighter from in the first place.
Rule 30: Dr Beckett's tea stash is strictly off limits.
A. Don't you all remember what happened last time?
The tea thieves had struck again and Carson had skipped the catatonia and gone straight to postal. John and Rodney insisted on this rule to avoid any further bloodshed at the hands of a frighteningly violent Scotsman.
Rule 31: No more sparring after midnight.
After John, Ronon and Teyla had woken him up four nights running with a variety of Bantos rod inflicted cut and bumps, Carson had had enough and put his foot down. They were still sulking.
Rule 32: Stop complaining about the hospital scrubs.
Surprisingly, this wasn't anything to do with Rodney - SGA-6 had moaned for the better part of a day because they couldn't have the funky red scrubs. Oddly enough, when Carson gave them an evil grin and suggested that they might be more comfortable if they were naked, the complaints had ceased.
Rule 33: Do not threaten Dr McKay with lemons.
A. He really IS allergic to them.
B. It upsets Colonel Sheppard.
C. Colonel Sheppard is a scary man when he gets upset.
SGA-3 had heard about the lemon incident with Cameron Mitchell and decided to spike Rodney's coffee with lemon to see what would happen. Thankfully, John was nearby with an epi-pen when Rodney went into severe anaphylactic shock. SGA-3 were now grounded until further notice, mainly so that John couldn't kill them.
Rule 34: Leave the CPR dummy alone.
SGA-8 took a liking to the resuscitation doll for reasons that weren't exactly healthy, leading to Carson having to lock it away when not in use.
Rule 35: No more wrestling matches with Ronon.
In retaliation to Rule 31, John and Ronon had started to have wrestling matches. After Carson saw the state of them, he promptly banned the activity.
Rule 36: No more 'Congratulations on your Early Release' parties.
A. Also, stop referring to Infirmary stays as 'prison sentences'.
B. The same goes for discharges being known as 'Early Parole'.
No one really knew who started the trend - the Military blamed the Scientists, who blamed the Marines, who blamed SGA-1... All that was certain was that Carson was fed up with it and put his foot down when some of the nurses were reduced to tears.
Rule 37: Putting pillows in your bed to imitate yourself doesn't work.
A. We're not THAT stupid, people.
B. You're meant to be bloody adults!
Some of the expedition members really were 12 years old. John was the first person to try this method and even though it didn't work, soon nearly every member of the off-world teams thought they'd give it a go.
Rule 38: If one more person asks to borrow Dr Beckett's stethoscope so that they can play 'Doctors and Nurses', he'll sic Bella on you.
Carson really didn't want to know what people got up to in their spare time. And he was fed up of having to disinfect his stethoscope on a regular basis.
Rule 39: The MRI machine is a delicate piece of MEDICAL equipment.
The Science Department had been experimenting with magnetic fields and decided to use the MRI machine to test out a new gizmo. The resulting explosion destroyed said MRI machine. Carson was beyond anger while Rodney gave those involved the telling off of their lives - he was the one who was going to have to rebuild it at the end of the day. A couple of them still had the scars.
The Rulebook was proving to be a smash success on the base - so much so that Elizabeth asked Carson to carry on with it. The Scotsman agreed, on condition that the incriminating video of him was to be destroyed.
John and Rodney, meanwhile, were less than thrilled to find that the Infirmary's handbook was proving to be more popular with the expedition members than their Off-World Survival Guide. In truth, the thing that they were really annoyed about was the fact that they seemed to be the cause of more rules than either thought was humanly possible. Realising that they'd never be able to pull one over on Beckett, Rodney suggested that they make the physician's life a little bit more difficult. John wasn't convinced to begin with, but was soon swayed to the dark side - especially when the Canadian outlined a couple of his ideas...
Rule 40: Stop smuggling alcohol into the wards.
SGA-11 had convinced SGA-10 to smuggle in some alcohol when they were stuck in the Infirmary on New Year's Eve. Unfortunately, the only booze SGA-10 could find was some of Radek's more potent hooch. A series of stomach pumps and several near-fatal hangovers later, and Carson decided to ban alcohol in any shape or form to avoid repeats.
Rule 41: 'I just wanted some fresh air' is not a valid excuse for discharging yourself without the medical staff's say so.
A. Neither is: 'But my CO said I could go'.
Carson was beginning to wonder about the mental state of the Marines.
Rule 42: Flash-bangs are banned.
The Marines were in trouble yet again. Their military manoeuvres training had spilled over into the Infirmary one day and some bright spark had decided to throw in a couple of flash-bangs. Once Carson could see and hear again, he took his revenge by medically grounding those responsible in order to carry out psych evaluations.
Heightmeyer had a field day with her new 'therapy group'.
Rule 43: So are home-made Cherry Bombs.
Geniuses plus explosive materials equalled one very angry Scotsman and a very sheepish Radek and Rodney. In their defence, they had been planning a spot of revenge on the Marines at the time, but had used inferior quality ammunition. Whilst their Cherry Bombs had been very impressive (and oddly colourful), the fact that they went off in the Infirmary put the Science Department at the very top of the Medical Department's official shit list. The Marines were delighted, seeing as it took the heat off of them, while Heightmeyer had a boatload of new recruits for her therapy group.
John, on the other hand, thought the bombs were cool and promptly ordered two dozen crates worth. He had a somewhat worrying love of both explosions and pretty colours.
Rule 44: Do not refer to Dr Beckett as a 'sheep-bothering, Highland Voodoo Priest'.
A. Only Dr McKay is allowed to call him that.
Some of the new intake of scientists had heard Rodney in mid-rant at Carson while the Scotsman was attempting to patch up a rather nasty burn, courtesy of one of their Cherry Bombs. Unfortunately, they got it into their heads that if their boss could call Carson names then so could they. Beckett wasn't impressed and Rodney went nuclear.
Most of the newbies were talking again, but tended to jump if anyone so much as breathed too loudly.
Rule 45: Stop saying the Athosian Prayer for the Dead every time someone goes into surgery with Dr Cole.
For some reason, SGA-3, 5, 6 and 9 didn't like Dr Cole and had started to mutter the rite whenever she was about to take someone into surgery. The poor woman had a minor breakdown over it and had to spend two months on the mainland recuperating with Halling and company.
Rule 46: Do not test out newly discovered Ancient devices in the Infirmary.
Rodney and John had found a very cool looking device whilst traipsing around in the depths of Atlantis. Neither of them had had a chance to test it because John had tripped over a box and broken his wrist while they were exploring, meaning that they had come straight to the Infirmary to get it fixed. While Carson was applying the plaster cast, John had gotten bored and whipped the device out of Rodney's hands, thinking 'on' as he did so.
When the alarms finally stopped, the smoke cleared and Atlantis decided that there was no need for a medical lockdown, John had tried to sneak off. Unfortunately for him, Carson was three parts Terrier and the Air Force man was in big trouble.
Strangely enough, Rodney managed to escape the incident free of blame - probably because he had stood on the spot, pointing at John and screaming 'It's all HIS fault!' at the top of his voice.
Rule 47: Stop calling Nurse Bella names.
Nurse Bella and Ronon's unlikely alliance was the talk of Atlantis, with many suspecting that there may be something more to it than her not killing him. When the name calling started, the ex-runner became very angry and scarily protective, forcing Carson to enforce this rule to prevent any more 'little accidents'.
Rule 48: The Field Medic course is not an 'optional extra'.
SGA-14 thought they could skip the course to go surfing on the mainland. They had forgotten that Carson had spies everywhere, and were now in the middle of extra first aid courses to teach them a lesson.
The real icing on the proverbial cake was that all the sessions were scheduled for their recreational times.
Rule 49: Rubber gloves are not novelty water balloons.
John and Rodney really should have known better. And they should have been more careful when aiming their water filled rubber gloves. They quickly discovered that a soaking wet Carson could be just as terrifying when angry as the dry version - although he seemed to use more heated Gaelic curses when he was soaked through.
Rule 50: Do not steal Dr Beckett's laptop.
Radek was now officially a dead man. Not only had he 'borrowed without asking', but he'd somehow managed to accidentally wipe Carson's illegal copy of Pacman. The engineer decided that for the foreseeable future, it would be safer to avoid getting sick or injured.
Failing that, he'd already bribed Dr Petrovich to patch him up.
Rule 51: The Wraith retrovirus is not a toy.
SGA-13 had decided to steal a couple of canisters of the retrovirus and taken out a hive ship. While they were successful, Carson was furious and Elizabeth was on the warpath. After all, they now had thirty brand new humans to feed and look after.
SGA-1, meanwhile, were secretly impressed and a little bit jealous that they hadn't come up with the plan first. Still, they called dibs on the new Wraith ship they'd gotten their hands on - and were already planning their first space race with the Daedalus.
Rule 52: Stop hiding the restraints.
The Science Department were starting to really scare Beckett now. When he found the missing equipment hidden in three packing crates in the middle of the labs, he simply stared incredulously at those present and promptly took them back to the Infirmary.
No one dared to ask why the scientists had wanted the restraints in the first place, but John's curiosity got the better of him and he confronted Rodney one evening. After various threats of bodily harm, the Canadian explained that it was part of a payback operation his teams were mounting on the Marines. John wasn't amused but agreed that if they were going to have a fight, he'd side with the geeks.
After all, they were the ones who controlled the hot water.
Rule 53: Paper cuts do not get infected.
Rodney had been rushed into the Infirmary screaming and writhing in agony by a panic-stricken and semi-hysterical John. As Carson began his examination, he discovered that the physicist had simply cut his finger on a sheet of paper. Although in fairness the cut was a particularly nasty one, it was not 'infected' or 'gangrenous' as the boys had insisted. After assuring Rodney that he wasn't about to lose his finger (and snapping John out of headless chicken mode), Carson gave him a band aid and sent them packing.
Rule 54: LSDs are not allowed in the Infirmary.
A. That's cheating, people.
SGA-11 had tried this one afternoon after being cooped up in the ward for too long. Although it was impressively successful for a break-out, Carson and his minions soon found out, resulting in the ban. Now everyone else was wondering how to conceal the small gizmos during their Infirmary stays.
Rule 55: No more wheelchair races.
A. Not unless you ask Dr Beckett if he'd like to participate.
The things that the expedition did to amuse themselves were getting out of hand. Carson wouldn't have minded so much if he'd been invited to join in.
Rule 56: The portable defibrillators are not to be used as 'motivational tools'.
John had been at fault for this. After he'd lost his patience with Rodney during a particularly stressful mission, he'd threatened the scientist with a shock from the life-saving equipment. Rodney had screamed like a girl and fainted, whacking his head on the seats in Jumper One. He was now stuck in the Infirmary with the mother of all concussions, and John was in big trouble.
Rule 57: All Scottish jokes are banned.
After SGA-8 had spent an entire week mocking Carson's accent and making terrible jokes about his nationality, the Scotsman had flipped out. The command staff made sure to enforce this rule whenever any of the newbies got it into their heads that taking the piss out of Beckett was an acceptable past-time.
After all, they still hadn't managed to clean up all the blood from his rampage against SGA-8.
Rule 58: SGA-1 are forbidden from helping the other SGA teams to stage breakouts.
The gang were busted once again, this time in cahoots with Major Lorne's team. Although the idea had been inspired - SGA-3 had decided to disguise themselves in drag, pretending to be nurses - it was a brave man (or a total bampot) that thought he could pull one over on the ever-observant Scotsman. Now all of them were trying hard to keep a low profile - and stay out of range of Carson's radar.
Rule 59: All animals are banned.
A. Except for George and Fred.
The Medics had a mascot - a very big, possibly carnivorous mascot. Fred (as he had been lovingly named) was a wolf the size of a Great Dane that had taken a liking to Carson whilst the doctor was on one of his rare Gate trips. Needless to say, the animal refused to be separated from his new best friend and had followed Beckett back to the city.
Elizabeth banged her head against the desk in her office and added this rule to the list - mainly so that people wouldn't get ideas about bringing any more pets home with them.
They still weren't sure what Fred actually ate.
Rule 60: Do not refer to bed 5F as 'Sheppard's Lucky Cot'.
A. You're giving him ideas.
John had pouted non-stop when this rule went up. He was quite taken with having a bed named after him.
Rule 61: Stop putting bets on SGA-1's injuries.
A. They're getting upset.
B. If you ARE going to set up a secret betting pool, ask Dr Beckett if he wants in.
Radek had been the mastermind behind this scam - and was raking in an absolute fortune. SGA-1 weren't so happy about the arrangement, seeing as how they weren't allowed to bet on each other, while Carson was furious because he hadn't even known about it.
When asked, Beckett would firmly deny that he had placed two crates of medicinal alcohol on the 'Rodney getting electrocuted by a piece of Ancient tech' category. He also turned up for work two weeks later looking incredibly smug as the scientist was rushed into the Infirmary with a burnt hand.
Rule 62: Peanuts are banned.
A. So is Tapioca Pudding.
B. And Green Jello.
C. And Custard.
D. And pea soup.
The expedition members really were children disguised as adults. It had all started when John had come in to visit Rodney bearing gifts to keep him occupied while his hand healed. He'd gotten bored playing chess with his friend and decided to pass time by throwing peanuts at whoever walked past. Things got really interesting when Rodney suggested that different food stuffs could achieve different scores - and that different personnel could have bonus points.
After nailing Carson right between the eyes with a spoonful of pea soup (and gaining a five hundred point bonus), the physician got very angry and posted this ruling. No one ever found out where the boys had gotten the pea soup from though.
Rule 63: No more food fights in the Infirmary.
This rule went hand in hand with the previous one. In retaliation to Carson's perceived 'tyranny' in banning their new favourite game, the boys had started a food fight with Lieutenant Cadman, Sergeant Stackhouse and Dr Carew. The ensuing carnage made feeding time at the zoo look downright civil. Carson wasn't amused at the state of his beloved Infirmary and put everyone responsible on housekeeping.
Rule 64: IV poles are NOT to be used as light sabres.
The Marines really needed to get out more. In their defence, John had started it by twirling a spare stand around and making the noises while he was on KP duty. Things had just progressed from there. Once casualties started appearing, Carson put his foot down.
Rule 65: Tylenol is not candy.
Ronon spent the next week looking very sheepish and avoiding Bella. In his defence, he'd been a bit drunk at the time, and the pills did look a bit like white Smarties...
Rule 66: Contrary to popular belief, Nurse Bella is actually a woman.
Ronon and Bella kissed and made up when the rumour mill started up. Having a six foot Satedan with a sword and unending supply of knives made everyone in the Medical Department very, very nervous. Luckily, there were no fatalities and the next day, Bella found a chocolate cake outside her quarters.
Rule 67: Dr Beckett is not one of the Science Department's lab rats.
A. Go and pick on Colonel Sheppard.
Carson was fed up with being pestered by the Scientists. To back this rule up, he purposely made one of the drones explode near Radek's head. His plan would've been brilliant if it weren't for the fact that the Czech was now shell-shocked and not speaking, while Rodney was on the warpath.
After all, with Radek in La-La land, he didn't have anyone to do his paperwork anymore.
Rule 68: Stop complaining about the Infirmary chairs.
It was a well known fact amongst the expedition that the chairs in the Infirmary were the most uncomfortable in the galaxy. Most of them had the common sense to either bring a pillow to sit on or suffer in silence, but then most of them weren't Rodney McKay.
Rule 69: Do not use band aids as decorations.
Lt Cadman had made a rather fetching necklace and earrings combo using band aids. Although they were very creative and showed the young woman's artistic side, the Medical Department were now running short of supplies. It hadn't helped matters when Major Lorne's team had gotten drunk and kitted out the rec room with band aid streamers.
Rule 70: Paper cuts are not life threatening.
A. They're not fatal injuries either.
B. You're all adults, for God's sake.
Rodney and John were back - only this time, it was John who had the paper cut. Carson banged his head against the nearest wall and left Dr Cole to deal with the troublesome twosome.
Rule 71: Do not replace the saline drips with Dr Zelenka's illegal hooch.
SGA-15 had thought that this would be a great idea for a practical joke. When three members of SGA-9 had nearly died of alcohol poisoning Carson was apoplectic, Elizabeth was ready to decapitate the next person to mention the word 'hooch' and SGA-15 had to spend the next two weeks avoiding Fred like the plague.
Rule 72: Iratus Bugs are not to be mentioned in the presence of either Dr Beckett or Colonel Sheppard.
Rodney had insisted on this rule when he found the men sobbing in a corner. The resulting rant aimed at those responsible was impressive - he managed to call them all morons in twelve different languages before making six grown men cry.
Ronon and Teyla were suitably impressed - the Canadian had broken his personal best.
Rule 73: Do not dress the CPR doll up as a Wraith.
SGA-7 had done this, and Carson had nearly died of fright. Once he was walking and talking (without screaming hysterically), he banned all the off-world teams from going anywhere near the doll unless they were on their field medics refresher course.
Rule 74: Skateboarding anywhere but the north pier is banned.
All of the soldiers and some of the geeks were still sulking over this rule - and John hadn't stopped wailing ever since Beckett confiscated his skateboard. It was only after a very stressed Rodney had literally thrown himself to his knees and begged for it to be returned that Carson relented.
Rule 75: Heavy contact sports are also only to be played on the piers.
A. So is Frisbee.
The Marines were not happy campers. In all fairness to the Medics, however, when twelve people were admitted after a supposedly 'friendly' tag rugby game and another six after the Frisbee championships, Carson decided enough was enough.
He didn't have much more space in the ward for anyone else, and figured that if the games were to be played outside, then falling in the ocean was probably a much less painful place to land than the floor.
He regretted that decision when Lorne nearly drowned.
Rule 76: Do not call Nurse Bella 'the human Pit-bull'.
The rumour mill had struck again, and now everyone was hiding from Ronon. Not even Teyla dared to go near him.
Rule 77: Gurneys are not battering rams.
SGA-5 had been trying to get into a sealed lab in one of the abandoned parts of the city with no luck. Captain Murdoch had suggested using something to bash the door in, so the team had absconded with a gurney. Although it proved to be a very successful battering ram, the rebound on it was a bitch - as the Captain found out the hard way. He'd had a very interesting time trying to explain why his left arm was broken in three places - and how the gurney was now buckled beyond repair.
Rule 78: Leave the medicinal alcohol alone.
A. That includes you, Radek.
Some people never learned their lessons. Radek got caught red-handed sneaking out a crate of medicinal alcohol and had been made to scrub the Infirmary floors for a week.
Rule 79: Iratus Bugs are never EVER to be brought into the City.
A. We're serious people.
C. We like Colonel Sheppard capable of walking and talking.
Some bright spark thought it'd be a good idea to bring a live bug back to study. That would have been fine if it wasn't for the fact that said bug was of the Iratus variety and John happened to catch a glimpse of it. When Teyla and Rodney finally managed to persuade him to come out from underneath his bed, the Air Force man wouldn't say a word for nearly a week - and that was only once he'd stopped twitching and whimpering under his breath.
And the Iratus bug? Ronon took care of that and nobody asked any questions.
The rulebook was gaining in popularity, despite John and Rodney's best efforts. Realising that their tactics weren't working, they bit the bullet and accepted that Carson had won this particular battle...
...For the time being, anyway.
Rule 80: Fake blood and/or appendages are banned.
When SGA-7 had rushed into the Infirmary with a blood soaked Dr Fellows, Carson had nearly had a stroke. It wasn't until he began his proper examination that he discovered the arm that Sergeant Peterson was carrying was a fake one, and that Dr Fellows hadn't actually lost the appendage in a gruesome accident. He sent them packing and posted this rule mainly because he couldn't deal with half of his nurses fainting on the spot.
Rule 81: Stop throwing fake blood at Dr McKay.
SGA-7 weren't happy about Rule 79 and had retaliated by dousing unsuspecting passers-by with buckets of fake blood. After Rodney had gotten a face full and freaked out, John and Carson were livid - and SGA-7 went into hiding on the mainland.
Rule 82: Wheelchairs were not built to perform wheelies.
Despite Rule 55, SGA-6 had been bored and raced each other down the corridors in a couple of appropriated wheelchairs. When Corporal Harmon wound up in the Infirmary with a severe concussion and a fractured clavicle after his wheelie attempt went horribly wrong, Carson banned the latest craze to sweep through Atlantis.
Well, someone had to stay sane.
Rule 83: If you are given instructions by the medics, BLOODY WELL FOLLOW THEM!
Beckett and Heightmeyer had repeatedly told SGA-10 not to drink alcohol on top of their painkillers. However, their words of wisdom went in one ear and out the other. After the team were successfully rescued from the roof of the Jumper Bay (with no recollection whatsoever of how they got there in the first place), the Scotsman got so angry that he couldn't speak for two days.
Rule 84: Crutches are not swords.
A. Or clubs.
B. Or bats.
C. Enough with the violence, already!
Surprisingly enough, this rule wasn't the fault of the Military – the Gate Technicians had gotten very bored whilst on the Night Shift and decided to play Pirates Vs Hockey Players. (It turned out that Chuck, the Canadian technician, had gotten bored of being a Ninja, so opted for a Hockey Player instead). When Elizabeth had called a halt to the mock battle, they had retaliated by playing cricket instead – using the 'borrowed' crutches.
While John and Rodney found the incident hilarious, everyone else was now worried about the mental state of the people responsible for operating the Gate.
Rule 85: All homemade paintball guns are confiscated until further notice.
The Marines were a bunch of trigger-happy psychopaths. After a supposedly 'friendly' game turned violent, Carson made John take away all the guns and lock them in one of the vaults. He really couldn't deal with any more idiocy from the soldiers.
Rule 86: You cannot have an IV containing pure caffeine.
Rodney had sulked for a month when Carson posted this rule.
Rule 87: Dr Weir wishes to remind you all that SGA-1's Survival Guide is classed as mandatory reading.
A. Dr Beckett wishes to remind you that the chapter on First Aid is not to be seen as a set of suggestions.
Elizabeth and Carson had been forced to post this after John and Rodney had started an all-out war with the Medical Department over whose Guide was best. When the number of casualties rose to double figures, enough was enough. Carson locked himself in his office, Elizabeth took a two week break on the mainland - and John and Rodney were insufferably smug.
Rule 88: All horror movies are banned from the Infirmary.
After Dr Cole, Nurse Cindy and Fred the Mascot had all fled the Infirmary in terror, Carson put his foot down and banned anyone from watching any more horror movies while they were recovering. It took him six hours to convince Fred to come out from behind the sofas in the rec room and the poor thing still jumped at the sound of a chainsaw.
Rule 89: Be nice to the medics at all times.
The Chemists had forgotten that the Medical Department were in charge of lots of sharp, pointy objects - and that they knew how to use said objects to inflict massive amounts of agony.
Rule 90: Dr Biro is not to be referred to as the 'Autopsy Witch'.
A. She's not a Gremlin, either.
B. We KNOW she's a bit... different... but that's not an excuse.
Most of the expedition members were uneasy around the mousy woman and had started to call her names. Carson wasn't happy when he found his Pathologist crying in his office, waving her resignation letter around, claiming that she couldn't deal with the stress. His bad mood wasn't improved when it took him four hours to free himself from her bone-crushing hug after he promised to put a stop to the name calling.
Rule 91: Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are not allowed to explore newly found laboratories without a medical team accompanying them.
A. Stop sulking about it.
B. It's for your own good.
It seemed that John and Rodney really couldn't go anywhere or do anything without causing chaos. After their latest outing into the uninhabited sections of the city resulted in the Air Force man nearly losing a leg and McKay three parts dead from blood loss, Carson took matters into his own hands. The boys weren't happy - after all, it wasn't their fault that the lab had exploded.
Well, they were ninety percent sure it wasn't...
Rule 92: Annual vaccinations are NOT voluntary.
A. They're for a reason.
B. Do you REALLY want to catch the Pegasus version of Syphilis?
The off-world teams were really starting to try Beckett's patience. He'd never been in a job where so many grown men and women were scared to death of needles.
Rule 93: Stop calling Nurse Bella names.
A. Seriously.
B. Ronon will hurt you.
It was now official - the rumour mill had a death wish. Once again, Ronon was on the warpath - only this time, he had Fred with him. And as if that wasn't scary enough, the wolf was still upset about the horror movies incident.
Rule 94: No more jokes about bagpipes.
The newbies still hadn't learnt that it wasn't a smart move to mock the Head of Medicine.
Rule 95: The ventilators are not to be used to blow up air beds.
SGA-14 had gotten bored whist in the Infirmary recovering from the 'flu and had decided to use the ventilators to blow up some airbeds. Although the ventilators worked rather well, Carson wasn't overly amused - he now had twenty three airbeds stashed in his office and couldn't get the plugs out to let them down.
Rule 96: The Medical Department are not to be referred to as 'Dr Beckett's Merry Wee Munchkins'.
Everyone was shocked to discover that it was Teyla who had been behind this rule - she'd gotten drunk with Ronon and decided to go around re-naming everything and everyone she saw. John, Rodney and Ronon thought it was hysterical, but the 'Merry Wee Munchkins' didn't see the funny side.
Rule 97: New recruits are not allowed to spar with Ronon in their first three months.
The Medics were fed up of having to put the newbies back together again once the ex-runner had finished with them.
Rule 98: Triggering the medical lockdown is not funny.
John and his ATA super gene had struck again. He'd been having an argument with Rodney in the Infirmary and to prevent the scientist from simply walking out, he'd set off the medical lockdown. To begin with it was amusing, but when John couldn't deactivate it, things got ugly.
Fifteen hours, lots of bad language and several death threats later, Rodney finally managed to persuade the Ancient mainframe that they weren't really suffering from the Plague and everyone got out. John was now avoiding the Medics as if his life depended on it.
Rule 99: Caffeine is not a substitute for regular meals.
The entire Science Department nearly went into meltdown when Carson published this rule.
Rule 100: No one is allowed to have campfires in the Infirmary.
SGA-4 and 9 had decided that they wanted a campfire one evening and (for reasons that were best left unknown) proceeded to start one in the middle of the main ward in the Infirmary. Although the flames were quickly extinguished thanks to Atlantis being sentient, this was the second time that the Medics had gotten covered in the fire retardant foam. To say they weren't happy was an understatement.
On the bright side, at least SGA-12 hadn't been present.
Rule 101: Any attempts to bribe Colonel Sheppard into activating unchecked Ancient Technology will be severely punished.
A. That includes you, Rodney.
Carson was starting to really fear for the sanity of his two friends. After John had been admitted to the Infirmary with a brand new set of fully functioning wings, this rule was posted to avoid any repeats.
As it turned out, Rodney had bet John his entire popcorn stash to think 'on' whilst holding what looked like an ornament. The thing that made Carson really mad was that the scientist already knew what would happen if the device was activated.
The pilot wasn't happy at being returned to normal - he'd really liked the idea of being able to fly without having to use a Jumper.
Rule 102: Base jumping is now banned.
After three members of the expedition were admitted to the Infirmary suffering from near heart attacks, Carson promptly banned this sport. Those responsible spent most of their time walking around in a strop and pouting.
Rule 103: Stop provoking the Science Department.
A. They're geniuses.
B. They can blow us all up.
The Marines really hadn't learnt their lesson after their last smack-down with the geeks. To prevent any carnage, the Command Staff had posted this rule as a gentle reminder. After all, while the Scientists were civilians, they were also geniuses and could make an explosive device out of pretty much anything. Elizabeth was rather fond of staying alive and in one piece.
Rule 104: Stop provoking the Military.
A. They've been taught how to kill you without leaving a mark.
B. Or breaking a sweat.
The Scientists weren't happy about being reprimanded and had taken to winding up the Soldiers as often as possible. Once again, the Command Staff had to intervene. Both sides had now called an uneasy truce.
Rule 105: Never challenge the military to Tag Rugby.
A. All Tag Rugby matches are to be supervised from now on.
The Military were a little too gung-ho about their sports - and frighteningly competitive. After a list of casualties as long as his arm were admitted for a variety of injuries, Beckett had had enough.
Rule 106: By order of Drs Weir and Beckett, Dr Zelenka's vodka is hereby confiscated until further notice.
A. When you're all sobered up, we'll talk about it.
The off-world teams had put on a party to celebrate the fact that no one had been involved in an accident whilst on a mission for nearly a month. John and Rodney had sneaked some of Radek's more potent hooch into the party and spiked the punch. Elizabeth and Carson were less than impressed when the majority of their away teams turned up the next morning with almighty hangovers and confiscated all the alcohol.
Rule 107: Grudge matches should be settled as far away from the Infirmary as humanly possible.
SGA-2 and 3 were having a hard time getting along - and it resulted in a grudge match from hell. After Major Lorne and Dr Parrish were admitted to the Infirmary with broken ribs and concussions, the remaining members of SGA-3 had decided to get back at SGA-2. When Sergeant Stackhouse joined Lorne and Parrish in the Infirmary, enough was enough.
Now both teams were having regular sessions with Heightmeyer to talk through their 'feelings'.
Rule 108: NEVER, under any circumstances whatsoever, say any of the following in the presence of Dr Beckett:
A. 'But I feel fine'.
B. 'It's only a scratch'.
C. 'Just stick a band aid on it and I'm good to go'.
D. 'It's only a flesh wound'.
Carson had reached breaking point with SGA-1 - and John and Ronon in particular. It took Rodney and Teyla nearly two days to get the Scotsman to talk to their team-mates without twitching or growling under his breath.
Rule 109: No more Jumper Races.
John and Rodney were officially dead men walking. The Air Force man had challenged his friend to a Jumper race around the city, and it had ended up with him crashing into one of the piers. Although he totalled the Jumper, he got away with a couple of cuts and bumps. Despite their best efforts at hiding the mess, Elizabeth and Carson found out and went on the warpath.
John was now hiding in Rodney's lab.
Rule 110: Cards are not to be used as weapons.
A. If you're going to play poker on Team Nights, be sensible.
B. Don't make the Command Staff ban cards.
SGA-5 had been playing poker on Team Night and things had gotten a little out of hand. After Captain Laverne had been rushed into the Infirmary covered in oddly shaped cuts, Carson had reached a whole new level of furious.
Rule 111: Sleep is not an optional activity.
Rodney's bad habits were starting to rub off on the rest of the Science Department - much to Beckett's dismay.
Rule 112: Pole vaulting is banned.
John was less than amused when Carson banned this sport - it had taken him ages to build the bars.
Rule 113: No running in the halls during lunch time.
A. Even if the cooks have made chocolate brownies.
B. It'll only end in tears.
Carson had banged his head against the wall so hard that he'd nearly given himself a concussion after he was forced to post this rule. It seemed that the entire expedition had left all of their common sense back in the Milky Way.
Rule 114: Stop asking the Science Department to build cool new weapons for you.
Although the Scientists thought it was fun to have a go at building a fully functioning death ray, the rest of the expedition did not. And when Lieutenant Tremaine nearly had his head blown off by said death ray, the Command Staff freaked out.
Rule 115: The Medical Department would like to remind all Military personnel that flash-bangs are only to be used in combat situations whilst off-world.
A. Ending a grudge match with the Scientists doesn't count.
B. Remember Rule 42?
SGA-12 had been sulking over Rule 29 and decided to wind the geeks up. When the rest of the Military had joined in and the flash-bangs had made a re-appearance, John, Rodney and Carson were not impressed.
Rule 116: By order of Dr Beckett, Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are banned from participating in the Atlantis Olympics until further notice.
The official reason was that they cheated in the games the year before, but the truth was that they were two of the most accident prone people in Atlantis. At the previous games, John had managed to break his leg in the Triple Jump, while Rodney had dislocated his shoulder trying out for the Discus.
They were still sulking.
Rule 117: No more water balloon fights!
SGA-1 and 10 had decided to have a water balloon fight that had resulted in Dr Phillipos from SGA-13 slipping off the West Pier. Carson wasn't happy and SGA-13 were out for blood over the injuries suffered by their resident geek.
Rule 118: Dr Zelenka's alcohol is not to be taken off base.
The off-world teams had decided to retaliate against the ban on alcohol in the city. They reasoned that if the alcohol wasn't on base, it wasn't classed as contraband. Their plan would've worked perfectly if they hadn't chosen to go to M9S-883 - a planet where the inhabitants were all frighteningly tee-total. When SGA-14 and 15 barely escaped execution, Elizabeth and Carson quickly posted this rule to avoid any repeats.
Rule 119: Do not, under any circumstances WHATSOEVER, leave Ancient items lying around.
A. Especially if they're left in places where Colonel Sheppard might 'accidentally' pick them up.
B. You know he can't sit still for more than five minutes, people.
Whether the Scientists had made an honest mistake or not was still waiting on the jury's verdict, but once again, John found himself a guest in the Infirmary. This time, he'd activated a small cube that had given him the ability to walk on the walls and ceilings.
And once again, he was super pissed when Carson 'fixed' him. What the Scotsman didn't know, however, was that Rodney had managed to smuggle the device out of the lab for 'further experiments'.
Rule 120: Do not run whilst carrying Sulphuric Acid.
Radek and Miko had gotten a bit tipsy one night and raced each other through the corridor whilst carrying Sulphuric Acid. Needless to say, the resulting mess wasn't pretty and Carson had to post this rule to remind everyone that even the geeks could have their blonde moments. Rodney wasn't happy - not only could Radek not do his paperwork for two weeks, but Miko couldn't fetch his morning coffee.
Rule 121: Please be careful when playing with sharp objects.
Corporal Sanchez and Dr Anders had been having a mock sword fight after watching 'Pirates of the Caribbean' one too many times. That wouldn't have been a problem, but their 'swords' were actually Ancient devices that could transform into whatever object the user was thinking of. Thankfully, John and Rodney managed to switch them off before anyone lost a limb.
Rule 122: Bandages are not to be used for Halloween costumes.
A. I don't care if they make really cool mummies.
Halloween on Atlantis usually involved a huge masquerade ball. The theme this year had been 'Classic Monsters' - and Major Lorne had decided to go as the Mummy. While his costume was impressive (and very cool), the fact that he'd 'borrowed' all of the Medical Department's bandages was not. They weren't happy and Lorne got the unenviable task of sterilising all the dressings he'd been wearing.
Rule 123: All pillow fights must be supervised.
SGA-10 and 11 had had a pillow fight. Captain Bowers now had to be sent back to Earth for dental surgery, having had three of his teeth knocked out.
Rule 124: The Science Department are NEVER to be given Decaf coffee.
The Marines decided to substitute the Scientists normal coffee for the caffeine free version... and all hell had broken loose. Once the blood had been cleared up, the Command Staff quickly posted this rule. It turned out that Radek was even more terrifying than Rodney when he was deprived of coffee.
Rule 125: Ice Hockey is now on the list of banned sports.
The Canadian contingent were on the warpath after Carson put this rule up, claiming that their American cousins were simply too girly to play properly. The fact that nearly half of the American personnel were now in the Infirmary with injuries ranging from cuts to broken limbs didn't seem to bother them.
Rule 126: Emergency medical kits are not meant to be turned into explosives.
Rodney and John had gotten drunk and bored - which was always a very dangerous combination. The physicist had managed to turn one of the Jumper's medical kits into a fully functioning nuclear bomb - and the rest of the expedition freaked out. Luckily, they managed to jettison it into deep space before it exploded, but everyone was now a little bit more cautious around the boys.
Rule 127: Jet-skiing around the city is to be suspended until further notice.
A. The same goes for Diving Club.
Carson was convinced that the Marines were trying to get him sent to the funny farm. When it turned out that the whales were not the only sentient beings inhabiting the ocean of Lantea, the Command Staff banned any and all water sports. After all, although the dolphin-like creatures seemed friendly, they had learnt the hard way in the past that looks could be deceptive.
Rule 128: Any attempts to purposely injure Colonel Sheppard or Dr McKay just to get them dosed up on pain medication will not be tolerated.
A. You all know that they don't know what they're doing and can be... suggestible.
B. I don't care if it's funny.
It was a well known fact among the crew members that when John and Rodney were on the good drugs, they could be persuaded to do pretty much anything. After SGA-4 decided to get a bit too rough in their 'friendly' game of football, the boys ended up being admitted to the Infirmary - and were dosed to the gills with enough painkillers to fell a small herd of buffalo.
The fun really started when SGA-4 got them to dance the conga through the ward... wearing two of Elizabeth's slinkier pyjama sets.
Rule 129: Do not touch buttons you don't understand.
SGA-6 found a control console with a big red button - and couldn't help but press it. It took Carson and his teams five days to work out how to turn them back into humans. (Although the Scotsman had to admit that they made the most adorable little kittens, he'd had to lock Fred in his quarters to prevent the wolf from accidentally eating any of them).
Rule 130: SGA-12 must be supervised when using anything made of metal.
A. Or glass.
B. Or plastic.
C. In fact, don't let them out of your sight for a second.
SGA-12 were well known as pyromaniacs, but now it seemed that they couldn't touch anything without the world going to hell in a hand-basket.
Rule 131: Stop hiding bugs in Colonel Sheppard's locker.
Lieutenant Cadman and Katie Brown thought it would be funny to do this - and regretted it when John freaked out. After the Air Force man started shrieking 'KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!' at the top of his voice, they sent for Rodney, Teyla and Ronon.
Rule 132: Do not start fights with other crew members.
A. Even if you ARE sticking up for a team-mate.
Rodney hadn't taken the bug joke too well and had started a fight with Cadman. Luckily, Teyla managed to step in before the Lieutenant damaged the Canadian too badly. Carson simply stared at the lot of them as if they'd dropped out of the sky.
Rule 133: Do not mock/annoy/upset natives with sharp, pointy objects when off-world.
SGA-14 and 15 had obviously forgotten to read the section on 'Natives' in SGA-1's Survival Guide.
Rule 134: The Medical Department would like to remind you all that while they are skilled surgeons, they are NOT vets.
SGA-2 had 'borrowed' Fred when visiting the locals on P8X-777. When they returned with a number of cuts and bruises and an injured Fred, Carson was beyond furious. Thankfully, the spear thrown at the wolf had just grazed his side, but the Scotsman was adamant that his beloved pet was never going off-world ever again - unless he was there.
Rule 135: Stop eating strange food when off-world!
SGA-13 had decided to sample the local cuisine on their latest mission - and had come back to Atlantis covered in a green rash. Carson locked himself in his office for a whole week.
Rule 136: No more Easter Egg hunts.
The Marines got a little bit too enthusiastic and now the Infirmary was packed with innocent civilians who'd been unlucky enough to get in the way. The Marines were sulking too - because John had made them give all their chocolate to the patients.
Rule 137: Never lie to the Medical staff.
When Ronon declared that the gaping four inch gash in his leg was nothing to worry about, one of the new doctors believed him. After Bella had rushed the Satedan in for an emergency operation to remove a chunk of metal from said gash, Carson put this rule up to prevent any repeats.
Rule 138: Dr Weir would like to remind the Medical Department that they are meant to be the responsible people who patch people up.
A. That means that the Medical Department are not allowed to cause accidents.
B. Or pick fights.
C. Or generally do stupid things.
The Medics had started a grudge match with the Cooks, with both sides recruiting able-bodied volunteers from the other departments. After things got a little bit too bloody for Elizabeth's liking, she was forced to bring the two sides in for peace talks.
Rule 139: Pillow fights are hereby banned from the Infirmary.
A. Pillows can cause damage, children.
B. See Rule 123.
Some people never learned. Once again, SGA-11 decided to start a pillow fight, but this time they picked on SGA-1... who had Ronon. Now all of SGA-11 were patients in the Infirmary and Carson was slowly but surely losing what little sanity he had left.
Rule 140: The Medical Department are not to provoke supply wars.
A. Also note that the Medical Department are not to induce mass rioting.
The Medics' uneasy truce with the Cooks was shattered when it was discovered that the Cooks had been hiding the expedition's supply of chocolate fudge cake. The Medics decided to let the rest of the city know - and mass rioting broke out. After John's men had broken up the fights and Rodney's teams had put the last of the fires out, Elizabeth made them apologise to everyone - and confiscated all the chocolate fudge cake.
Rule 141: Stop smuggling junk food over to the Athosian children.
A. Their parents keep giving me funny looks.
B. Don't make me have to use the stomach pumps, people...
The Soldiers had started to sneak out junk food to the Athosian children - and had made them all sick from the overdose of sugar. Now Halling and the other adults were out for blood and Carson was on the rampage. After all, he was the one in the firing line...
Rule 142: Prank wars are permanently banned.
A. That includes you, SGA-1.
SGA-1 had started a prank war with SGA-3... which had escalated. Once Rodney was conscious again, and Lorne stopped seeing double, Elizabeth and Carson instituted a city-wide ban on prank wars. They then decided that both teams would have two months housekeeping duties to teach them a lesson.
Rule 143: Do not provoke Fred.
For reasons best left unknown, SGA-15 took some kind of perverse pleasure in winding the seven foot tall alien wolf up. After Fred retaliated and put three quarters of the team in the Infirmary, Carson laid the law down - and gave Fred extra helpings at dinner.
Rule 144: Dr Beckett is not allowed to yell at Colonel Sheppard.
A. He's also not allowed to throw things at Dr McKay.
Carson had gotten stressed out and yelled at John. The Air Force man had spent the rest of the week pouting. When Rodney confronted Carson about the incident, the Scotsman threw a pillow at the scientist's head. Now both the boys were sulking and Elizabeth was furious.
Rule 145: All off-world teams are hereby banned from soaking themselves in Tabasco Sauce.
A. There's no conclusive proof that it acts as a successful Wraith deterrent.
B. Treating skin rashes and hives is not fun.
C. And you're stinking out Atlantis!
No one really knew who had started the rumour about the Tabasco Sauce, but it had spread through the city like wildfire. Now that nearly all the off-world teams were literally showering in the stuff, Elizabeth was ready to commit murder and Carson wasn't all that far behind.
On the bright side, the Cooks now knew which crew members kept stealing the chocolate brownies...
Rule 146: The Medical Department would like to remind all personnel that they are not to antagonise wild animals whilst off-world.
A. And leave the plants alone too.
Carson had decided to beat SGA-4, 7, 9 and 13 round their heads with SGA-1's Survival Guide until they'd gotten the message.
Rule 147: Do not test new equipment in busy communal areas.
Kavanaugh decided to test an unchecked Ancient device in the middle of the mess hall. Luckily, most people managed to duck out of the way of the sharp spikes and flying shrapnel. Unfortunately for the Chemist, Carson saw the whole thing and went berserk.
Rule 148: The Jumper Bay is not to be used for abseiling practice.
A. It scares Dr Weir.
B. You'll give Colonel Sheppard ideas.
Corporal Winters decided that the roof opening to the Jumper Bay was the perfect height to practice abseiling. Unfortunately, Elizabeth happened to walk in at the same time that he leapt down from the ceiling. Now the expedition leader was on medication for her blood pressure and everyone was trying to persuade John that there were much safer past-times - like antagonising the Wraith.
Rule 149: Do not antagonise the explosives experts.
The Xenobiologists had wound the explosives experts up... which resulted in a chunk of the north pier being blown to smithereens and seven of the scientists in the Infirmary.
Rule 150: No more pogo-stick races.
John had been miffed that he couldn't try abseiling so had taken up pogo-stick racing with Rodney. It wasn't a smart move - which was proved when they both ended up limping into the Infirmary.
Carson wondered if it would've been safer to let the Air Force man chuck himself off the roof with only a bit of rope between him and a messy death.
Rule 151: All rubber band wars are to cease immediately.
The Marines had started it by flinging rubber bands at the Scientists. The geeks had retaliated in true 'insane yet ingenious' method - by building an eight foot tall robot that propelled rubber bands at a velocity that came close to the speed of sound. 'Genghis', as they'd so lovingly called the contraption, was swiftly confiscated by the Command Staff and the rubber band war ceased.
Rule 152: Do not mention Gate travel around Dr Beckett.
Carson really didn't like Gate travel. He liked it even less when people talked about it in front of him - as SGA-5 found out the hard way. After the rest of the Command Staff saw the state of the team, they posted this rule to prevent any more casualties.
Rule 153: Please note that syringes are NOT darts.
A. I don't CARE if they stick in the dart board better, just pack it in!
SGA-8 were pushing their luck with the Medics. After Dr Thompson managed to break the team's darts, she decided that syringes would be an ideal replacement. Although they worked brilliantly (and were surprisingly aerodynamic), Carson was less than impressed. When Dr Thompson came into the Infirmary with two needles sticking out of her leg, the Scotsman simply raised an eyebrow and gave her his 'I told you so' look - before proceeding to remove them as slowly as possible.
Oddly enough, nobody else tried SGA-8's idea out.
Rule 154: If you really have to take wasabi paste on missions, for the love of God Almighty, DO NOT share it with natives!
A. They don't know what it is.
B. They will think you have poisoned them.
C. And they will chase you with spears and axes - right, SGA-2?
For God only knew what reason, SGA-2 had decided to introduce the natives of M5S-111 to wasabi paste. Unsurprisingly, it didn't go down as well as they'd hoped - the locals declared them to be demons and things just went south from there. When they got back to the city sporting a variety of injuries that could only be inflicted by weapons of the sharp and pointy variety, Carson went very quiet.
And then he smiled...
Rule 155: Shaking a bottle of Coke and using it as impromptu fire extinguisher is very ingenious, but it's also a waste of perfectly good supplies.
A. Please use a proper fire extinguisher next time.
When a small fire broke out in the mess hall, John leapt to the rescue and doused the flames with Beckett's bottle of Coca-Cola. While it worked a treat, he found himself tackled to the floor by the physician, who was screaming a rather colourful selection of Gaelic curses at him. As it turned out, the Scotsman had an addiction to the fizzy drink that rivalled Rodney's love of coffee.
Carson had given John his entire stash of fudge to make up for the black eye.
Rule 156: Please note that all SGA teams are not allowed to take sugar off-world with them.
A. Unless it's in an MRE or a Power Bar.
B. Sugar does scary things to the Scientists.
When Major Lorne had been placed in charge of a science team during an off-world mission, he thought it'd be no problem. Then he discovered that said geeks were all on a sugar high of epic proportions... It turned out that they'd smuggled out seventeen tubs of frosting and had devoured the contents in less than half an hour.
After a bedraggled looking Lorne returned to Atlantis with the scientists, he promptly stunned them all and went to bed with a migraine.
Rule 157: The Command Staff would like to remind all Atlantis personnel with the ATA gene that using it to make other people's lives hell is not professional.
A. That means YOU, Colonel Sheppard.
B. We don't CARE what Kavanaugh did.
C. And don't try to blame Atlantis - we know you too well.
After the long haired Chemist had tripped Rodney up in the mess hall, John had decided to get a little payback. In short, he'd taken to harassing the man by remotely closing doors in his face and turning off the lights. When Kavanaugh paid his nineteenth visit in twelve hours to the Infirmary, Carson had had enough and his staff were on the verge of mutiny.
He called the Colonel aside, had a quiet word (or rather, gave him a none-too-subtle warning that if he had to suffer then he was going to drag John along kicking and screaming) and posted this rule.
Rule 158: Dr Beckett's computer is strictly OFF-LIMITS.
A. I mean it, people.
B. And no, Rodney, I haven't forgiven you yet.
Rodney had a death wish. Whilst stuck in the Infirmary after getting tangled up in some alien version of Poison Ivy, he'd gotten bored and stolen Beckett's laptop. In his defence, he'd asked repeatedly for a computer but the Scotsman had denied him one. So, he'd taken Carson's computer in order to get some work done and put it back when John snuck his in.
The thing he hadn't accounted for was the fact that the plant he'd touched (and subsequent rash it produced) was highly contagious. Now Carson was stuck in Isolation with him and kept twitching...
Rule 159: Dr Beckett is not allowed to hit his patients.
The computer incident, as it was now known, had turned ugly. John happened to walk into Isolation in time to see Carson decking his geek. In a manfully heroic yet utterly stupid move, he separated the two and got Elizabeth to add this rule in.
And the reason why was his move stupid? He was now stuck in Isolation with the other two, trying his hardest not to scratch.
A week after John and Rodney were released, they met up in the Canadian's lab.
"How you doing, buddy?" Sheppard asked, frowning as he caught McKay trying to discreetly scratch between his shoulder blades.
The scientist glared at him. "Peachy, thanks," he snapped. "I'm still itching all over! That stuff Carson gave me is useless! And have you seen my face lately?"
John cast a critical eye over his friend - Beckett had caught him good and proper, and the resulting black eye was still visible. "Look at the bright side," he replied, giving his team-mate a grin. "At least I was there before things got worse."
Rodney sniffed and nodded. "I suppose," he conceded after a moment. "Thanks, by the way. I really thought that he was going to throttle me."
John chuckled and sank down into one of the chairs next to the workbench. "I've been thinking..."
"Did it hurt much? You shouldn't over-excite yourself, you know..."
The Air Force man gave him a mock offended look. "Funny, McKay," he drawled lazily. "Like I was saying, I was thinking we should get him back."
Rodney's ace broke into a savage grin. "And what were you thinking of exactly?"
John's own grin turned wicked. "Well..."
Rule 160: Any and all food catapults are to be dismantled immediately.
John and Rodney's payback had been impressive to say the least. The Canadian had managed to rig together two sizable catapults, which the boys then wheeled into the mess hall... After a food fight that was a worthy contender for a Guinness World Record, Carson apologised and they called a truce before ganging up on the Cooks.
Elizabeth was less than amused, however, especially since she'd walked in at the wrong moment - and got a face full of Macaroni Cheese. Surprisingly, there had been no casualties up until that point...
Rule 161: Dr Weir is not allowed to hit crew members with the fire extinguishers.
A. It's not very diplomatic, Elizabeth.
B. Even if it feels good.
Rodney and John were back under the care of Carson, each sporting massive concussions from the life-saving equipment. Elizabeth had been in to apologise and grovel, pleading temporary insanity for her actions. Although Rodney wasn't amused, John was secretly impressed and was thinking of asking the dark haired expedition leader if she wanted to join the baseball team...
Rule 162: Stink bombs are not permitted anywhere in the city by order of Drs Weir and Beckett.
SGA-15 had decided that releasing stink bombs into the main ventilation shafts throughout Atlantis would be funny. When thirty two people were admitted to the Infirmary suffering from uncontrollable vomiting, the Command Staff went spare. (Those that weren't throwing up, anyway).
Rule 163: The heart monitors are not to be used as musical instruments.
A. Even if they do beep in time to your favourite punk rock song.
Drs Parrish, Williams and Brandenburg were closet punks. When they had taken to practicing their songs in the Infirmary using the heart monitors as a backing track, Carson actually started rocking on the spot... and not because of the music.
Rule 164: By order of Drs Weir and Beckett, all repairs, upgrades or performance tuning of the Jumpers are to be supervised by Drs McKay and Zelenka.
A. Or a competent representative designated personally by them.
The new group of engineers had decided to repair the inertial dampeners on Jumper Six by themselves. As it turned out, the 'malfunction' was only a slight one to begin with... Carson and his teams were not pleased when they had to deal with SGA-2, who were all suffering from severe motion sickness.
Rule 165: The next person to bring back anything even vaguely resembling an Iratus bug is officially on Dr Beckett's shit list.
A. Colonel Sheppard is on the verge of a complete breakdown.
B. Please don't break him. Nobody else wants to do all the really dangerous stuff.
While on Earth leave, someone found a stuffed toy that was scarily similar to an Iratus Bug. Nobody ever found out what possessed said person to bring the wretched thing back to Atlantis, but agreed that it was a stunning display of stupidity to use it as the main part of a 'harmless' practical joke inside Jumper One.
John was found in the ship, cowering on top of the main control console screaming incoherently - and spent the next week in the Infirmary curled up in a tight ball. Elizabeth was impressively furious and the rest of SGA-1 were out for blood, but it was Carson's reaction that really caught everyone's attention. The Chief of Medicine sent out a public message that stated that while he was a patient man, enough was enough. In secret, he had ordered a special set of very large needles - ones that were more commonly used on horses - to be delivered by the Daedalus on the next supply run.
The next person who was stupid enough to bring anything into Atlantis that was even vaguely Iratus-shaped was going to find out if the needles worked as well on humans.
Rule 166: Dr Beckett is not allowed to randomly sedate crew members when he feels like it.
A. Even if it's Rodney.
B. ESPECIALLY if it's Rodney.
C. 'But he was annoying me' is NOT a valid excuse.
Rodney had been pestering Carson for the better part of a week, for no better reason than the scientist being bored. Things had turned ugly when Beckett snapped and sedated McKay. Although it was now remarkably peaceful, John and Elizabeth weren't pleased.
Rule 167: Dr McKay is not allowed to sabotage Dr Beckett's shower.
A. We KNOW what he did was wrong, Rodney.
B. Getting revenge isn't very professional.
Rodney had awoken with the mother of all headaches to find that he'd been out for almost two days. In retaliation, he'd messed around with the Scotsman's shower controls. Carson now had a shower that only sprayed out cold water and turned his hair orange.
Rule 168: Dr Beckett is not allowed to permanently dye anyone an odd colour.
The revenge war between Carson and Rodney had sunk to a new low. Rodney was now a rather fetching shade of purple.
Rule 169: Laser Tag is banned.
A. Permanently.
When the Marines had asked Dr Weir if they could set up a Laser Tag course, the expedition leader had agreed - mostly to let them do something to burn off their excess energy. Unfortunately, she hadn't realised that the Marines had asked to Scientists to build the Laser guns...
When twelve people were admitted to the Infirmary with a variety of unusual injuries, the sport was added to the banned list - and the guns were locked away in a place where the Marines would never, EVER find them.
Rule 170: Do not drag race the Puddle Jumpers.
A. We know it was you, John.
Since the ban on racing Jumpers had come into force, the crew members had started to look for other ways to pass their time. John, however, had gotten extremely bored one afternoon while writing up mission reports and persuaded Lorne to have a drag race with him. Using the Jumpers. Elizabeth was now in the Infirmary gibbering quietly to herself and Carson was on the verge of knocking heads.
Rule 171: All personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to cartwheel through the Gate.
Lieutenant Cadman had decided to show off and cartwheel through the Gate when SGA-4 were sent to M4X-357. While it looked impressive, she ended up in the Infirmary with a broken leg and a punctured lung. It turned out that M4X-357 was a planet that had a surprisingly high ratio of cliffs.
Rule 172: Dr Beckett is not allowed to play the bagpipes, even if he thinks they sound good.
A. ESPECIALLY if it's at 4 am.
Carson had been very drunk and a little bit homesick one night, and decided to treat the rest of the city to a rendition of a traditional Scottish lament. The resulting cacophony made everyone think they were under attack.
Rule 173: Please be careful when playing with paper airplanes.
The Gate technicians had decided to make and fly paper airplanes. Unfortunately, they managed to maim themselves in some rather inventive ways and were now residents in the Infirmary.
Rule 174: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to invade the Infirmary.
A. Even if you're on a heroic 'rescue mission'.
Chuck, one of the few people to escape unharmed from the Great Paper Plane Disaster, had led a small group to bust out their colleagues. It didn't end well.
Rule 175: The Medics are not allowed to seal the Infirmary off and declare it a separate country.
Carson's minions had gone completely loopy. Now no one could get in or out without a passport.
Rule 176: The Marines are not allowed to use 'excessive force' until further notice.
On the bright side, the Infirmary was now back to normal.
Rule 177: Roller-skating is strictly prohibited.
John and Rodney had been racing each other along the pier. Needless to say, it had ended badly when John had lost his concentration and skated off the edge of the pier. Even worse, he managed to drag Rodney along with him. Now they were both in the Infirmary suffering from colds - and Rodney wasn't talking to John.
After all, he'd been 'distracted' by the very pretty Dr Rodriguez.
Rule 178: Sporks are not to be used as weapons.
A. Play nice with the other children, Rodney.
Rodney had had his revenge on John by attacking him with a spork. After Carson's eye started twitching, the boys hastily made up and quietly plotted how they could escape.
Rule 179: The French personnel are not allowed to cook for the foreseeable future.
After a bet with the Russian contingent, the French crew members had decided to cook a traditional French meal for the expedition. Three quarters of the crew were now in the Infirmary with food poisoning thanks to the 'frog legs' – it turned out that the alien version that the French team had used weren't suitable for eating.
Rule 180: You are not allowed to attack other crew members with shaving cream.
A. Even if you think they poisoned you on purpose.
The English contingent had taken revenge by attacking the French teams with shaving cream. Although nobody was hurt, the Command Staff were worried that they were going to have a recreation of Waterloo on Atlantis.
Rule 181:Skateboards are not allowed to be ridden through the Gate.
A. And yes, that means YOU, John.
John had been showing off in front of Dr Rodriguez again, and decided to ride his skateboard through the Gate. He was currently in the Infirmary waiting for his broken arm to be plastered and staring at the shattered remains of his beloved skateboard that were lying on his lap.
Rule 182: Do not give Dr McKay Morphine.
A. I'm bloody serious, people!
SGA-5 had decided that it would be funny to get Rodney looped up on Morphine. Two days later, the Canadian was still lying in his Infirmary bed talking complete gibberish.
Rule 183: Please do not provoke Ronon.
A. Especially if he's asleep.
Radek had woken Ronon up by throwing a bucket of water over him from a distance. He thought it would be safer - he was very, very wrong. He was now sporting an impressive leg cast.
Rule 184: You are not allowed to freak out the new crew members by telling them horror stories about 'side effects' caused by the ATA gene therapy.
A. It's not fair.
B. It's not mature.
Some of the original members had decided that the newbies were in need of some good old fashioned ribbing. So they'd proceeded to tell them in graphic details about some of the more horrific 'side effects' from having the ATA gene therapy. Now Heightmeyer had three new groups and the Command Staff were not impressed.
Rule 185: Drs Weir and Beckett wish to remind all crew members that they are not allowed to stun the Cooks.
A. Even if they HAVE hidden the chocolate fudge cake.
B. Have you forgotten about the riots?
The Cooks weren't making very many friends among the rest of the expedition.
Rule 186: You are not allowed to superglue Rodney to his laptop.
Miko and Radek had been bored. Now Rodney was stuck and they were in hiding.
Rule 187: You are not allowed to superglue John to the controls of Jumper One.
Miko and Radek had struck again - and John had to fly around the city until the glue wore off.
Rule 188: Superglue is now classed as a contraband item.
The Command Staff had had enough. When asked, though, they would firmly deny that the new rule had anything to do with them being stuck to their chairs in the conference room for nearly two days.
Rule 189: No more Extreme Frisbee matches.
A. Even if you ARE playing it on the pier.
The Marines were up to no good once more - and seven people were admitted to the ward with injuries ranging from cuts and concussions to pneumonia.
Rule 190: Bungee Jumping off of the towers is now banned.
A. Doing it to 'impress the ladies' is NOT a viable excuse, John.
John really needed to get over his school boy crush on Dr Rodriguez. He'd decided to impress her by bungee jumping off the main tower. Although it looked extraordinary and he managed to avoid any injuries, seventeen people had fainted on the spot.
Rule 191: Paper-plate Frisbee is now banned.
In retaliation to Rule 189, the Marines had decided to play a 'safe' version of the sport, using paper plates. After Carson and his staff spent the entire morning attending to paper cuts, the Scotsman was on the verge of strangling the Marines.
Rule 192: Duct tape was not invented to be used as a thief deterrent.
The Cooks had taken being stunned badly and had stolen the Science Department's entire stash of Duct tape to create an elaborate trap to stop anyone from sneaking midnight snacks. John, Rodney, Lorne, Ronon and Bella were now in the Infirmary having the wretched stuff removed.
Rule 193: Mess with Colonel Sheppard's hair at your own peril.
Unfortunately, John had come off the worst after the Duct tape incident and had needed to have his hair cut. He was now stalking through the city being snappish.
Rule 194: Colonel Sheppard is not allowed to order his 'Friendly Marines' to beat up people.
A. I don't care if they made fun of your hair.
John was in BIG trouble with Elizabeth and Carson, especially since his Marines had gotten a bit too enthusiastic.
Rule 195: The Scientists are not allowed to build working replicas of light sabres.
Carson was now having regular sessions with Heightmeyer.
Rule 196: Personnel are not allowed to refer to any of the Medical Department's equipment as 'the machine that goes PING!'
SGA-10 had thought it would be funny to do this. After Carson nearly threw the scanner at them, they decided to pack it in.
Rule 197: Don't patronise Fred.
A. He happens to be an extremely intelligent alien wolf.
B. And he bites.
Kavanaugh had done this and was now in the Infirmary with a variety of bite marks all over him. Fred, meanwhile, just lay next to the Chemist's bed and growled.
Rule 198: Dr Beckett is not allowed to talk the cooks into making Haggis.
A. It's disgusting.
B. You'll cause another riot.
C. Would it help if we promised to stay out of trouble?
To get his own back on the rest of the expedition, Carson had somehow managed to bribe the Cooks into making nothing but Haggis for a whole week. While his plan worked, he hadn't accounted for the number of people who turned up at the Infirmary complaining of stomach problems.
Rule 199: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to imitate movies while on base.
A. Swinging from one balcony to another is not a good idea.
B. Even if Tarzan could do it.
C. You are NOT Tarzan.
The Command Staff were amazed at how stupid SGA-6 had been, and less than impressed to find the entire team out of commission for a month while they recovered from their latest
Carson couldn't believe just how popular his Rulebook was becoming - or how long, for that matter. What surprised him even more was the fact that people were coming to him with suggestions for entries. And that most of the really stupid things were being done by his two best friends...
Rule 200: Standing on the spot and screaming is not particularly helpful.
A. We may be good, but we're not bloody mind readers.
Dr Grayson had somehow managed to impale his hand on a sharp spike while in the lab. Carson hadn't been overly impressed by the panicked message he got over the radio - which consisted of guttural screams.
Rule 201: The Medical Department are not allowed to waste supplies by inventing new games.
A. We don't CARE if it's a really cool game!
The Medics were gleefully trying to send the rest of the expedition insane. A group of doctors had decided to tie sponges to their feet and race down wet hallways. Then the nurses got involved and before long, everyone else had locked themselves in their quarters.
Rule 203: 'He started it!' is not an excuse.
A. Neither is 'But he did it first!'
B. Enough!
John and Rodney had struck again, and this time it involved a water fight that ended up with both of them having to be fished out of the ocean next to the south pier. The argument had started while they were in the Infirmary being checked over, and now everyone was convinced that they were actually related.
(And for once, it was John's fault.)
Rule 204: Do not steal Dr Beckett's lab coat.
There were some very strange people on Atlantis. Someone had taken Carson's beloved lab coat only to return it the next day. The incident would've gone unnoticed if said person hadn't dyed it neon pink. Now the Scotsman was wandering around Atlantis with Fred, doing on the spot searches of random personnel.
Rule 205: Only Dr Zelenka is allowed to make alcohol.
A. We mean it, people.
B. We can't cope with any more explosions.
Some of the newer members had tried their hand at making a still. Now Carson had a bunch of new patients and Radek was gloating.
Rule 206: Do not shout around Fred.
A. He doesn't like it.
Carson had been livid when he found the alien wolf hiding under his bed. His anger had reached new heights when he discovered that Major Lorne and Dr Parrish were to blame - they'd had a massive argument next to Fred.
Rule 207: Dr Beckett is not 'The Highlander'.
A. Stop giving him ideas.
Some of the SGA teams had started calling Carson this and the Scotsman had let it go to his head. It had taken Elizabeth the better part of three hours to convince him that he wasn't really immortal and that carrying a huge Satedan sword around wasn't a good idea.
After all, Ronon wasn't happy when other people took his 'baby' away from him.
Rule 208: Remote controlled car races are not to be held in the hallways.
A. Or busy communal areas.
B. Or the Infirmary.
The Marines had bribed the Scientists into making them a bunch of remote controlled cars. They had then taken to racing said cars anywhere they could. Needless to say, there were a lot of injuries and Carson was angry.
The Marines were upset because John took their new toys away. John was upset because Carson had shouted at him.
Rule 209: Face painting is now on the list of prohibited activities.
Teyla, Cadman and Katie Brown had been extremely bored, and had decided to paint John, Rodney and Lorne's faces. While they looked impressive as Wraith, Ronon had been startled and now the three men were in the Infirmary. Carson just thanked the deities in the sky that the ex runner hadn't had his blaster with him at the time.
Rule 210: You are not allowed to re-paint the Infirmary.
John and Rodney had decided to re-paint the Infirmary a rather fetching shade of blue, claiming that it 'brought out the colour of Carson's eyes'. While most of the expedition liked the new look, the Medics were less than impressed... and Beckett was starting to feel seriously worried about the pair.
Rule 211: Colonel Sheppard is not allowed to skateboard anywhere in the city.
After John had managed to persuade Rodney to fix his skateboard - in reality, he'd threatened to hang him upside down from the top tower if he didn't - he had started to skate everywhere. When Dr Weir caught him using the banisters as impromptu grind rails, she was very angry.
John, meanwhile, found himself in the Infirmary recovering and refusing point blank to explain how he got injured in the first place.
Rule 212: Do not meddle with the Transporter controls.
A. We'll sic Rodney and Radek on you.
SGA-14 had bribed Miko into messing with the Transporter controls. After most of the expedition reported to the Infirmary with motion sickness and dizzy spells, Carson got so angry that he spoke nothing but Gaelic for seventy two hours.
Rule 213: If you are on medication, you are not allowed back on duty until Dr Beckett clears you.
Major Lorne had been given some meds for a migraine. Unfortunately, the drugs did strange things to him and it took John and his Marines five hours to talk Evan down from the balcony railing.
Rule 214: Keep your shoelaces tied at all times.
A. We shouldn't have to tell you this, people!
Captain Bobbins had decided to waltz around the Gate Room with her shoes untied, claiming she was starting a new fashion trend. It wasn't a problem until she tripped at the top of the stairs and created Atlantis' very first human pile-up. Carson was on the verge of spitting fire.
Rule 215: Drs Weir and Beckett would like to remind all personnel that the MALPs are not to be used as impromptu go-carts.
A. Stop breaking them!
B. We don't have many left.
C. The SGC are tight-fisted.
The Marines and the Scientists had gotten bored and raced each other using the MALPs. Needless to say, half of them ended up in the Infirmary and the Command Staff had to explain to Stargate Command why they needed six brand new MALPs.
Rule 216: You are not allowed to use clipboards to surf down the stairs.
A. I don't care if they did it on Jackass.
B. I'm sick of patching you all up!
The Marines had taken the MALP racing ban badly... and come up with something equally stupid. Carson was now growling under his breath and eyeing up his bigger needles.
Rule 217: Do not call Dr Beckett a 'mother hen'.
A. Especially if it's to his face.
B. Do you REALLY want to get on his bad side?
Carson wasn't impressed at the newest rumour to come from the rumour mill. Neither were the Command Staff - they were fed up of having to clean up after the Scotsman's rampages.
Rule 218: Do not run around the Infirmary chanting, 'Beam me up, Scotty!'
A. Carson will go postal.
Major Jordan of SGA-8, who was a closet Trekkie, had done this. He was still limping.
Rule 219: For the love of everything holy, please, PLEASE stop hiding Dr McKay's coffee.
A. Pack it in, John.
B. This is no way to deal with coffee addiction.
John and Rodney were pushing their luck. When John hid Rodney's coffee stash, the resulting carnage scared the rest of the expedition - and Carson wasn't impressed when the scientist lost the ability to form coherent sentences. John hastily gave back all the coffee and promised he'd never, ever do it again. Carson figured that he was serious - he didn't cross his fingers behind his back once.
Rule 220: Senior personnel are reminded that we are in the lost city of Atlantis, not a college frat house.
A. That means you can't haze the newbies.
B. It's bad for morale.
Carson had been inundated with patients, most of whom were the new intake of staff. Neither he nor Elizabeth were pleased and shared said displeasure with John. The Air Force man simply gave them his best 'who, me?' look and went into hiding.
Rule 221: Bean bags are not meant to be used as weapons.
A. Just because they're not technically pillows doesn't mean that you can have pillow fights with them.
B. The pillow fights were banned for a reason, remember?
The Botanists had persuaded the Daedalus to ship in a bunch of beanbags for the rec room. SGA-1, 3 and 6 had gotten into a fight over whose turn it was to use the rec room and had grabbed the nearest thing to hand. Now all three teams were in the Infirmary with an impressive collection of bruises, cuts and broken bones and Carson was going prematurely grey.
Rule 222: Bonfires are to be supervised at all times.
It had been firework's night and some of the SGA teams decided to build a bonfire on the north pier. Unfortunately, they'd left SGA-12 in charge of watching the fire while the fireworks were set up...
Carson spent the next day and a half dealing with burnt appendages.
Rule 223: Do not criticize the Athosians.
A. Teyla is seriously scary when she gets mad.
B. She has sticks.
C. They hurt - A LOT.
The newbies had decided to mock the Athosians and Teyla found out about it. Luckily, Ronon and John managed to stop her from actually killing anyone, but now most of the guilty party were limping and Carson wasn't pleased.
Rule 224: Do not eat Tuttleroot soup.
A. We have different reactions to native foodstuffs.
SGA-9 had decided to take Teyla up on her invitation to attend one of the Athosians harvest ceremonies on the mainland. When the team returned to the city suffering from severe allergic reactions, Carson hastily posted this rule.
Rule 225: Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are no longer allowed to play Badminton unless they are supervised.
John and Rodney had been playing a doubles match against Lorne and Parrish. When both of the boys decided to try and take a return volley, they had almost decapitated each other. It turned out that running in reverse with your head back and arm extended was incredibly dangerous, especially if your partner was doing the same thing. Carson rolled his eyes and muttered about 'boys and their toys' under his breath.
Rule 226: The Marines are reminded that they are not allowed to push the Scientists off of balconies.
A. Even if it IS Kavanaugh.
B. We KNOW Colonel Sheppard did it to Dr McKay.
C. Rodney was wearing a personal shield at the time.
The Marines had gotten pissed off with Kavanaugh and decided to push him off of the balcony in the Gate Room. Although it was funny, Carson wasn't happy - he now had to put up with the long-haired git for the better part of a month while all the broken bones mended.
Rule 227: Skeet shooting is not allowed.
A group of Marines had decided to have a competition at clay pigeon shooting. (The fact that they didn't have any clay pigeons and had to improvise didn't seem to bother them too much). Everything went fine until some of the teams got a little bit trigger happy. Jumper Three, which was returning from the mainland, took some fire and landed very quickly and uncomfortably. Surprisingly, other than calming the shocked passengers, Carson hadn't had to do much, so left John and Rodney in charge of punishment.
They did an admirable job.
Rule 228: Dr McKay is no longer allowed to bring gifts back from Earth unless they've been checked by his team-mates.
A. Don't sulk, Rodney.
B. You should know better than to antagonise Carson.
On his last trip back to Earth, Rodney had stumbled across a 'Voodoo Witch Doctor' play set - containing a small rag doll, pins, fake herbs, some very realistic looking needles and a rubber chicken with a detachable head. In a display of stupidity that put the rest of the base to shame (and proving that even his survival instinct wasn't one hundred percent infallible), he decided to deliver his gift personally to Beckett. The good doctor smiled amiably and took it as his cue...
During the next couple of days, nobody saw Rodney sitting down. Or moving quickly.
Rule 229: Any and all games of 'Dunk the Scientist' are to cease IMMEDIATELY.
A. Radek's getting water-logged.
B. And Rodney's getting angry.
C. Not to mention that Carson's started twitching again...
The Marines were now notorious for doing stupid things when bored. Their latest form of amusement was to chuck random scientists off of the pier. Unfortunately, they picked on Radek one too many times and Rodney went postal. Carson and John had had to scrape the Soldiers off of the floor.
Rule 230: Whoever started Laser Tag up again is in SERIOUS trouble.
A. We banned this sport, remember?
B. We've got enough problems with hostile enemies wanting to kill us without you lot adding to it!
Laser Tag was back again.
Nobody knew who'd managed to break out the guns from the vaults, but chaos soon reigned in the city. It got so bad that the Command Staff were forced to bring 'Genghis' out of storage. Unsurprisingly, when faced with a massive robot that spat out rubber bands at speeds that caused serious injury the game soon stopped and the guns were left outside Elizabeth's office.
The best part was that there was a note taped to them reading: 'We're all very, VERY sorry, Dr Weir. We promise never to do it again. Honest. Cross our hearts and hope to die. (Though we'd prefer to stay alive). PS: Can you please call the robot off?'
Rule 231: Playing soccer tournaments in the Gate Room is now officially banned.
A. This is not up for discussion.
B. You'll make Carson cry again.
SGA-7 and 11 had decided to have a footie match in the Gate Room and soon there was a fully fledged Football Championship up and running. Unfortunately, soldiers and competitive sports did not play well together and Carson quickly had his hands full. When his bottom lip started trembling, Elizabeth put her foot down.
Rule 232: Do not run with Wraith Stunners.
Corporal Doughty had done this - and ended up bumping into Radek. The weapon discharged and now both men were recovering from the pins and needles effect.
Rule 233: If you are going to play Scrabble, please be sensible.
John and Rodney were in trouble yet again. Their game of Scrabble had turned violent after an argument about whether the words 'Wraith', 'Genii' and 'Asurans' could be used, seeing as how they weren't in the dictionary. Rodney accused John of cheating and things had just degenerated from there, really.
John was now in the Infirmary with Rodney, trying to explain why his geek had Scrabble pieces jammed up his nose. Carson reached a whole new level of livid.
Rule 234: Crew members' flag patches are not to be defaced.
The English still hadn't forgiven the French for trying to poison them with alien frogs and had vandalised all the French flag patches on base. The resulting fight was not pretty and now Carson was left with a full ward. He really was awestruck at how stupid his colleagues could be.
Rule 235: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to fight over lollipops.
A. Grow up, you lot!
B. And why don't I get one?
No one knew where the now infamous lollipop stash had come from, but certain members took exception to the fact that they didn't have one - namely John and Rodney. After a massive brawl in the mess that pit John, Rodney, Carson, the Medics and the Scientists against everyone else on base, Elizabeth went mental.
Rule 236: Sugar is hereby rationed to three spoonfuls a day until further notice.
The Scientists had struck again, and now everyone was worried about the so-called geniuses responsible for the maintenance of the city. Carson simply banged his head against the wall, muttering 'I told you so' to anyone that walked past while Fred was chasing the now rather bouncy geeks around the city.
Rule 237: The city's self destruct mechanism is not a toy.
A. Leave it alone, SGA-12!
B. We told you to WATCH them, people!
The pyromaniac team had decided that the self-destruct sequence made an interesting toy. After most of the Command Staff were admitted to the Infirmary with stress, Carson rounded the team up. No one knew what happened next as SGA-12 still weren't speaking.
At all.
Rule 238: Rubber chickens are strictly forbidden on Atlantis.
A. Don't ask.
It had all started when SGA-2 had been forced to stay in the Infirmary with a 'flu-like disease. Corporal Jenkins got very bored, very fast and went exploring. He soon found the rubber chicken left from Rodney's now infamous Witch Doctor present.
The ensuing game of 'Toss the Chicken' soon involved his entire team and most of the Infirmary staff. Things only went south when Ronon appeared in search of Nurse Bella. Noticing an oddly shaped missile coming his way, his survival instincts kicked into high gear - meaning that the Satedan promptly incinerated it with his blaster. The surprisingly thick cloud of acrid black smoke triggered an immediate reaction from the city's systems, and Atlantis dumped a colossal amount of fire retardant foam in the Infirmary.
Everyone involved found the incident hilarious - except for the cleaning staff, of course. Elizabeth had to do a LOT of fast talking to prevent them from going on strike. On the bright side, Carson took everything rather well, reflecting on the escapade quite philosophically.
But then again, he'd been the one who threw the chicken the wrong way.
Rule 239: Do not chase each other around Atlantis with sticks.
A. Or anything that can be used as a potential weapon.
Rodney had heard what happened to the rubber chicken he'd bought for Carson and wasn't amused when he found the Scotsman in mourning for the inanimate object. In a surprising show of stamina, stupidity disguised as bravery and anger, he'd chased Ronon and Corporal Jenkins around the city with a pair of Hockey sticks.
John had been too shocked to do anything but watch, while Elizabeth hid under her desk and contemplated becoming an alcoholic.
Rule 240: Dr Weir would like to remind everyone that the ban on constructing non-regulation weapons is still in place.
John got so jealous of Ronon's blaster that he talked Rodney into reverse-engineering a similar weapon for him. The Canadian used a souped-up Wraith stunner as the basis for said weapon - which turned out to be a big mistake. The energy pulse emitted when the contraption exploded stunned both of them, and everybody else in a fifty metre radius. Carson wasn't a happy camper when he had to treat two concussions, four broken bones, a dislocated shoulder and a full spectrum of cuts and bruises.
Rule 241: The French personnel are now banned from the kitchens.
A. Indefinitely.
B. We like being able to eat without fear of being ill afterwards.
Sergeant Stackhouse of SGA-2 was awarded a promotion to Lieutenant for his services on Atlantis, and the Command Staff put on a ceremony to celebrate. Unfortunately, they enlisted the French teams to cater for the event. Carson's staff had to deal with complaints of bad stomachs and projectile vomiting from three quarters of the attendees - including the Scotsman.
Rule 242: Dr McKay, Lieutenant Cadman and vast quantities of C4 are not to be left together.
A. This is a dangerous combination, people.
When Atlantis decided to go into lockdown for no apparent reason, Rodney and Laura got trapped in the Armoury. Putting a tap-dancing explosives expert and a claustrophobic genius who could build atomic bombs in a room filled with scarily large amounts of C4 turned out to be a very dangerous thing to do.
Luckily, no one was badly hurt in the ensuing explosion, but Carson threw a fit when he heard that Rodney had nearly blown himself up again.
Rule 243: All alcohol is banned until further notice.
A. Do not let Colonel Sheppard or Dr McKay tell you otherwise.
B. They're the ones whose fault this is.
John and Rodney plus alcohol equalled two very stupid people and a big mess. The boys had gotten drunk one evening while watching the Back to the Future films and decided to try and build their very own De Lorean. One thing led to another and now both of them were in the Infirmary with hangovers that could topple a herd of elephants and some very interesting burn marks.
It wasn't until later that morning that Elizabeth discovered the remains of what used to be one of the Biologists labs...
Rule 244: Teyla and Ronon are not allowed to fight each other until further notice.
A. Just... no.
Just when Elizabeth and Carson thought that they were safe from SGA-1, the other two members of the team turned up in the Infirmary. Rather than coming to visit their team-mates, they were there to get patched up after a sparring session ended badly. After seeing the state of them, Carson posted this rule - after all, they were both frighteningly strong and there had been an awful lot of blood.
He still wasn't convinced that it was all theirs.
Rule 245: Personnel are not allowed to play Johnny Cash whilst in the Infirmary.
A. It's far too bloody depressing.
John's love of the 'Man in Black's' music had a negative effect on everyone. When Rodney and Ronon started to plot revenge, Carson took away John's CD player and albums to prevent any fatalities. After all, when the Satedan and the scientist got together the results were spectacular... and terrifying.
Rule 246: Dr Beckett's stash of home-made scones is strictly off-limits to ALL personnel.
Carson's mum sent him a regular care package that contained a batch of her home-made scones. That would have been fine but some of the Medics decided that since Carson was loathe to sharing said scones with them that they were going to help themselves while he wasn't looking.
When the Scotsman discovered a couple of crumbs left in the container, he broke the Hippocratic Oath nine different ways and now two of his med teams were on enforced leave until all their broken bones had healed.
Rule 247: Goa'uld costumes are not to be worn in the city.
A. It's not funny.
B. You're creepy as a Goa'uld, John.
For a joke, General O'Neil had sent John a Goa'uld costume that came with a mask equipped with a built in voice changer. Alongside the Anubis Drone outfit was a whole host of replica Goa'uld weaponry, including a pain stick, a hand ribbon and Zat'nik'tel. The Air Force man promptly decided to play dress up and scared the hell out of nearly everyone on the base. After nearly being decapitated by Ronon, John quickly realised the error of his ways and tried to get the helmet off. Unfortunately, it got stuck...
After three hours, Rodney and Radek finally managed to cut the wretched thing off, but not without busting John's nose. Carson and Elizabeth were not amused - and both John and General O'Neill were in the doghouse.
Rule 248: Dr McKay is a doctor of Science, not Medicine.
A. Isn't that right, Rodney?
The Canadian had been extremely bored one afternoon while cataloguing Ancient artefacts and had wandered down to the Infirmary to see if Carson wanted to join him for a late lunch. When he strode in to the Scotsman's office, a wicked idea formed in his head...
Three hours later, Carson came round to find that Rodney had drugged his tea and gone off to play Doctors for the afternoon. Before he had a chance to strangle his friend, the man in question ran into his office and slammed the door shut, dragging a crate across in front of it. He then hid under the desk, sobbing.
As it turned out, the Marines had found yet another way to damage themselves and Rodney had gone mental at them in what was, by all accounts, a scarily good impression of Carson. (He'd even done the Scottish accent). Unfortunately, he didn't have as much clout and now the Marines were out for blood.
Namely, his.
So Carson walked out to face them (albeit woozily) and ten minutes later, the problem went away...
Rule 249: I said no more revenge wars!
Carson had decided to re-pay Rodney for his little 'stunt' and proceeded to spend the next week calling the scientist in for extra 'vitamin' shots and random check-ups. That wouldn't have been a problem, but he'd started to do it late at night (or rather, early in the morning) and Rodney was walking around looking as though he'd give a zombie a heart attack.
When two Wraith cruisers decided to get a little bit too close for comfort, Rodney was a fraction too slow getting the cloak up. Thankfully, the Daedalus was in orbit and took care of the problem, but John and Elizabeth were furious.
Rule 250: Motorbikes are banned.
A. Don't even think about starting with me.
SGA-8 had returned from their latest mission the proud owners of a contraption eerily similar to an Earth motorbike. Apparently, they'd made one hell of an impression on M9G-003 - so much so that the leader of the Trastarians had given them the gift. Everyone on base thought it was very cool, and soon a rota had appeared for those who wanted a go.
The problems only started when SGA-8's geek, Dr Wilson, bet his team leader that she couldn't ride it through the Infirmary without being caught. Captain Petrov was not a woman to back down from a dare and pulled it off... almost. She would've gotten away with it if she hadn't decided to go back and do a 'lap of honour'.
Carson was VERY angry and SGA-8 were on KP duty for the next two months. The 'motorbike', meanwhile, was confiscated by John and Rodney...
Rule 251: SGA-2 is no longer allowed to participate in science competitions.
When Rodney suggested holding a science fair in the city, Elizabeth agreed, thinking it would be a good morale booster. SGA-2's resident geek, Dr Singh, decided to make a working model of a volcano for the First Atlantis Science Fair and the rest of the team happily lent him a helping hand, scrounging materials from all over the city.
The presentation of the volcano went beyond the wildest expectations of, well, everyone. The quarter of the city that had been used to hold the fair was uninhabitable for the next month. The maintenance crews were forced to clean up ridiculous amounts of foam, Carson had a field day treating all the burns and personnel suffering from smoke inhalation, and Elizabeth seriously considered banishing the 'Frightful Four' (as they'd now become known) from the city. Luckily for the newly promoted Lieutenant Stackhouse and his cohorts, John and Rodney were too impressed to let this happen.
They were secretly glad that this time someone else was in the doghouse.
Rule 252: Frisbee in any shape or form is now officially banned by order of Dr Beckett.
The expedition hadn't been happy when the Scotsman had stopped them from playing Frisbee, and even less thrilled when he banned the paper-plate version. Unfortunately for the Scotsman, there were a lot of things that worked just as well...
It was Rodney, surprisingly enough, that had kicked off the trend. He'd gotten so angry with Kavanaugh that he'd thrown a CD at him. A couple of passing Soldiers saw how well said disc flew and before anyone could blink, CD and DVD Frisbee was the latest sporting craze to sweep through the city.
After Carson had to deal with more than his fair share of cuts, gashes and slices, he'd reached the end of his tether. And when Major Lorne arrived with half a DVD stuck in his lower leg, the Scotsman saw red.
Rule 253: Creating a hologram of yourself so that you can escape the Infirmary is not prohibited.
After almost six months of nobody trying to bust out early, Carson was surprised when John pulled this stunt. He'd gotten Rodney to create a very convincing hologram of himself so that he could sneak out to watch the new Harry Potter film. It was so convincing, in fact, that it took Beckett nearly an hour and a half to realise what had happened - what with it being interactive and all - but when he did...
To say he wasn't happy would have been a serious understatement. The boys were in serious trouble - and John didn't even get to watch the end of the film.
Rule 254: Oreo wars are to cease immediately.
A. They're just COOKIES for Heaven's sakes!
The Marines and the Scientists had gone to war again - this time over the limited Oreo supplies. John, Rodney and Carson were in charge of riot control, with a few volunteers from the other SGA teams - all of the Marines had mutinied - and Elizabeth sent a desperate message to the SGC, begging for more supplies of the snack. Thankfully, General Landry didn't question the plea and shipped out seventeen crates worth on the Daedalus.
Two weeks later and the war ground to a halt, but the damage had already been done. John, Rodney and Carson were now patients in the Infirmary and their volunteers were the walking wounded. On the bright side, the base now had enough Oreos for each member and the Air Force man managed to blackmail his Marines into giving them half their supplies.
Rule 255: SGA-2 is no longer allowed to participate in any kind of competition.
During the Atlantis Dance Festival, the team's 2IC Staff Sergeant Flora Estevez, turned out to be the best Salsa dancer on base. She also proved to be incredibly short-tempered too, when she broke her partner's nose for stepping on her feet one time too many.
After the ensuing battle with the security detail, SGA-2, 7 and 12 were escorted to the Brig to cool off for a while, and an exhausted and extremely pissed off Carson posted this new rule.
SGA-1, meanwhile, were starting to feel strangely inadequate...
Rule 256: By request of Colonel Sheppard, Dr McKay is no longer allowed to use anything in the kitchen.
A. Especially the oven.
Jeannie Miller had sent her big brother their secret family recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Rodney immediately went to the kitchens and made a batch of star-shaped cookies as a treat for the team's Movie Night.
The next day, John was in bed with severe stomach cramps, Teyla had an appointment with the dentist and Ronon was happily playing with his brand new set of hand-made shurikens.
Rule 257: SGA-2 is no longer allowed to play with chemicals.
A. We're very proud of you, but it's for your own good.
B. And stop gloating about 'pulling a Sheppard'.
C. You're giving the other teams ideas.
When the city was faced with a surprise attack by one of Michael's Hive ships, Elizabeth had to release SGA-2, 7 and 12 from the brig early. Desperate to redeem his team, Lt Stackhouse came up with an idea that would have made John proud.
Lacking a true nuclear warhead, the team filled Jumper Five with the chemicals they had used to create the 'super-volcano' at the Science Fair and flew out of the Jumper Bay. After stealthily sneaking into the Hive's Dart Bay, they promptly blew an enormous hole in the side of the Wraith ship. The now badly damaged Hive limped out of the Lantean system and the Daedalus broke her own record as Colonel Caldwell double-timed it from Earth to retrieve the drifting Jumper and its banged up crew.
Although Elizabeth was proud of SGA-2, she had to enforce this rule in case it gave John any stupid ideas. And Carson wasn't happy when the Daedalus beamed down a very battered SGA-2.
Rule 258: Remember; only Drs McKay and Zelenka are allowed to modify, upgrade and/or repair the Puddle Jumpers.
Sometimes, Carson wondered what he'd done in a past life to deserve SGA-2 as a personal nemesis. (Secretly, he was convinced he'd been responsible for killing hundreds of small fluffy animals and maybe even children). Not long after they were released from the Infirmary with all the burns and broken bones healed, the team went on a supposedly 'easy' off-world mission. Although he wasn't happy, Elizabeth persuaded him that they could afford to cut Stackhouse and his team some slack - after all, they had practically destroyed a Hive ship.
On P7X-112, SGA-2 found an abandoned Ancient outpost that made Dr Singh go giddy with excitement. Unfortunately, said outpost was surrounded by large herds of extremely aggressive, Buffalo-like animals. Normally, the team would've waited for them to move away, or (if they'd gotten bored with that) tried to scare them off with gunfire. But apparently, those options were far too mundane and simple for the 'Four Riders of the Apocalypse' - as Elizabeth had acidly described them after their last explosive stunt.
The team's resident 'fix-it' man, Corporal Jenkins instead rigged Dr Singh's iPod up to the cloak field frequency modulator. This ingenious and effective modification turned the ship's cloak generator into a giant loud-speaker (and impressed the hell out of Rodney and Radek). Unfortunately, nobody on board thought about the consequences before activating the ungodly contraption.
As it turned out, sitting inside the Jumper-turned-boom-box wasn't very healthy - and the team were now back in the Infirmary with burst eardrums and killer headaches. Carson wasn't particularly worried about them - much worse was the maniacal gleam in John's eyes once he learnt about the new function available for his beloved ships. That made Beckett very, very worried indeed...
Rule 259: We said motorbikes were banned!
A. That rule includes you, John!
John and Rodney decided to test out SGA-8's confiscated alien motorbike on one of the piers. Unfortunately, the boys hadn't learnt that vehicles and water weren't a good combination...
After a record breaking five hour lecture off of Carson and several of Elizabeth's dreaded 'mother' looks, the two of them slunk away to lick their wounds in private and to figure out how to retrieve the bike from the bottom of the ocean before SGA-8 found out...
Rule 260: Kiddie-scooter racing is hereby banned.
A. It's not a proper sport anyway.
B. You're adults!
SGA-5's 2IC, Sergeant Domino, had brought his team back a set of kiddie-scooters after visiting Earth for his nephew's tenth birthday. The team then proceeded to race each other up and down the halls, through the mess, the Infirmary, the conference room...
After a massive collision that involved all four of them plus one of Radek's engineering teams, Carson was verging on a homicidal rage.
Rule 261: You are not allowed to strangle other personnel.
A. Leave Kavanaugh alone, people!
B. We KNOW he's annoying.
C. If you don't stop it, he'll only whine even more.
Captain Peterson had been having a very bad day, which was only made worse when he was assigned to help out Kavanaugh with the plumbing. After hearing the Chemist whine and bitch for the better part of an entire morning, the normally good-natured Captain snapped and proceeded to try and throttle the long-haired scientist.
Radek happened to walk in on it and swiftly broke up the fight, but now Kavanaugh was back in the Infirmary, making Carson's life a living hell.
Rule 262: Personnel are not allowed to use the Puddle Jumpers for water skiing.
SGA-3 had been rather bored one afternoon, so Major Lorne decided to rig up a harness to the back of Jumper Three and take his team water skiing around the city. To start with, it was a lot of fun and drew quite an audience, but the dolphin-like creatures made an appearance.
The Biologists had assumed that they were friendly, and they were - to an extent. What the expedition members didn't realise was that they were also extremely territorial and had rather sharp teeth. After SGA-3 were admitted to the Infirmary with bite marks that wouldn't have looked out of place in 'Jaws', Carson put his foot down.
Rule 263: The same goes for 'tubing'.
After the water-skiing ban, SGA-4 decided to try tubing instead.
Tubing was similar to water skiing except that inner-tubes were towed behind a motor boat, and people held on, trying to see how long they could last. The faster the boat went, the harder it became to stay on the tubes, as the 'tuber' was following in its wake and hit all the waves the boat produced.
Anyways, SGA-4 had the day off, and borrowed Jumper Seven to try out their sport around the beach of the mainland, reasoning that the 'Dolphi-Sharks' (as they had become known) didn't go there. Things only went wrong when they were joined by SGA-5, who suggested an Extreme Tube War. Jumper Seven had three tubes attached to it and set off, with Captain Lawson, Dr Fingle and Corporal Harding trying their luck.
To begin with, the three managed to jump over each other with relatively ease, but Corporal Burke (who was piloting Jumper Seven) zoned out and started to pick up speed without realising. He also gained altitude, resulting in his three colleagues hanging from the tubes in mid-air. Reasoning that it would be safer to simply let go and land in the water, they did so... and hit a hidden reef.
When Carson caught sight of the two teams arriving in his Infirmary, soaking wet and bleeding from various places, he twitched quite a lot. Then he locked himself in his office and refused to come out for nearly three days.
Rule 264: Do not TP the Gate Room.
A. Ever.
SGA-1 and 6 had been having an argument over the velocity that could be achieved by a flying roll of toilet paper. To settle the argument, they tested it out in the Gate Room, and soon the entire Gate was only just visible under a mass of toilet paper. Bored with that, they moved onto the mess hall, and the conference room and the Infirmary...
Elizabeth and Carson were seething when they called the teams in to explain their actions. Unfortunately, John's insistence that the activity was legal in California only incensed them further... Thanks to some fast talking and quick thinking from Rodney, nobody was hurt too badly, but the teams found themselves on the clean-up detail.
Rule 265: There's no such thing as a 'paper tiger'.
A. I've already told you about paper cuts.
Carson still couldn't understand how the Marines, who were fearless when facing down enemies off-world, could be reduced to tears when confronted with a paper cut.
Rule 266: Dr Beckett would like to remind all personnel that six monthly medical assessments are compulsory.
SGA-9 decided to skip their medicals, much to the annoyance of Carson. Now they couldn't sit down properly and were refusing to say anything about the subject. Everyone else decided to do as they were told.
Rule 267: Do not redecorate the Jumpers.
A. Especially not Jumper One.
SGA-11 had re-painted John's Jumper. When the Air Force man had been confronted by his now neon-pink and yellow striped ship, he had flipped out spectacularly and chased SGA-11 around the city with a P-90. Thankfully, the team's injuries were only minor, but Carson posted this rule to prevent anyone else from getting equally stupid ideas.
Rule 268: Any personnel carrying a gun in the city must keep the safety on AT ALL TIMES.
A couple of scientists hadn't and were now in the Infirmary being treated for gunshot wounds. Carson was seething and John wouldn't stop banging his head against the door.
Rule 269: Red Bull is banned.
A. And so are any other energy drinks.
The Science Department were in deep trouble. After consuming more energy drinks than the Command Staff thought possible, those responsible ended up as Carson's patients. The Scotsman was not impressed when he had to deal with withdrawal symptoms and mild arrhythmia.
Rule 270: Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are, under no circumstances whatsoever, allowed to make unauthorised modifications to the critical systems on Atlantis.
A. While it is acknowledge that your actions yielded impressive results, they severely drained our ZPM, damaged the eco-system of the planet and forced Carson to drug half of the Biology Department senseless.
B. That was to stop them committing suicide... or murder, if you two catch my drift.
This time, Elizabeth decided, Atlantis' top two troublemakers had really outdone themselves. When the Hive ship that SGA-2 had previously sent packing returned for round two, the boys decided that it was the right time to try the 'little surprise' they had been working on since SGA-2's adventure on 'Prairie Planet'. Said 'surprise' turned out to be a set of sonic nullifiers scattered around the city at strategic points and John's CD player plugged into the force field frequency modulator of Atlantis.
The results of Johnny Cash blaring at full volume from a city-sized, ZPM powered loud speaker were truly awe-inspiring. The apocalyptic shockwave literally ripped the attacking Hive Ship into tiny pieces, created a sizeable tsunami and killed all sea-life unlucky enough to be in a fourteen mile radius of the city. It was very fortunate that Rodney's claims of brilliance were true - thanks to the nullifiers, the rest of the expedition felt nothing but a minute tremor.
All hell broke loose only when Elizabeth discovered that the ZPM had lost almost fifteen percent of its remaining power and the Biology Department literally caught the smell of thousands of tonnes worth of dead life-forms floating around Atlantis.
And the song title? Busted.
Rule 271: No more pyjama parties.
Dr Kingston had decided to throw a pyjama party. Everything was going great until a fight broke out over who had the coolest pyjamas. Now seven people were in the Infirmary and the Command Staff were wondering if the SGC would notice if they started killing people.
Rule 272: SGA-1 is not allowed to visit planets with waterfalls for the foreseeable future.
SGA-1 had a thing about cliffs and waterfalls. After they were all admitted with a variety of injuries ranging from broken bones to acute hypothermia, Carson gave them a lecture and left Fred to guard them. Needless to say, there were no escape attempts... and no moaning either.
Rule 273: All newbies are to listen to experienced personnel, regardless of rank.
Some of the newbies had argued with SGA-13 about Wraith fighting techniques. The resulting fight that broke out beat all records - and Carson wouldn't stop smiling as he patched the now-very-sorry-looking new recruits up.
Rule 274: You will not die if you catch a cold.
A. Isn't that right, boys?
Following their adventures on 'Waterfall Planet', John and Rodney had massive colds. Instead of gritting their teeth and getting on with it, they were being pathetic. Carson started growling again.
Rule 275: You are not allowed to 'Jumper Surf'.
A. It'll only end in tears.
B. Especially if Carson catches you.
SGA-14 had heard about 'car surfing' back on Earth and decided to try it out using Jumper Nine in place of a car. It was impressive to begin with, but they hadn't taken into consideration the fact that alien spaceships tended to move a lot quicker than your average Volkswagen.
Now they were all trying desperately hard to think of a sensible excuse to explain away their injuries to a Scotsman who was ready to tear their heads off.
Rule 276: Do not mock other people's accents.
Airman Jones had chosen (rather unwisely) to take the piss out of the Australian contingent. When they wheeled him into the Infirmary in a bloodied heap, Carson wasn't impressed.
Rule 277: If you sleep-walk, you are to inform Drs Weir and Beckett immediately.
Dr Van Guiting had a habit of sleepwalking. Unfortunately, she managed to walk off the balcony in the west tower. Luckily, she got away with a few broken bones, but Carson and Elizabeth hastily put this rule up to prevent any more sleep-related accidents.
Rule 278: Do not overload the city's systems.
A. Atlantis is sentient, remember?
Radek and Miko were at fault for this one. They'd plugged too many pieces of equipment into the mains in the lab and Atlantis had retaliated. Thankfully, they'd only received small zaps, but their burns were very painful.
Their ears were sore too, especially after Carson and Rodney had finished with them.
Rule 279: Darth Vader costumes are now banned.
A. We know it was you, John.
B. Don't you remember what happened the last time?
Disappointed that his Anubis Super soldier costume had bitten the dust, John had moped and whined incessantly for the better part of a month until Rodney couldn't take any more. Eventually, the Canadian cracked and agreed to build John his very own Darth Vader costume, reasoning that since it was a fictitious character, no one would freak out. He managed to salvage the voice changer from the old costume's helmet and re-modelled it. It took a bit of doing, but he even managed to bribe Miko into making John a suitable cloak.
The best bit was that John had managed to rescue one of the light sabres from the Marines' ill-fated games - which Rodney adapted to emit bolts of very cool-looking but harmless 'lightning'.
And so, the wild-haired Colonel had gleefully run around Atlantis, declaring that the city was now under the Empire's control and that all non-obedience would be punished. While most people saw the funny side, Elizabeth and Carson did not.
When John activated his 'lightning' effect, the light sabre backfired. As soon as the smoke had cleared, they found him in a heap on the floor and once again, Rodney had to cut the helmet off. Luckily, there were no broken bones, but now John was sporting two black eyes - earning him the new nickname of 'Lt Col Raccoon Boy'.
Rule 280: Do not move your Infirmary bed to be next to your friend.
A. Or to annoy your neighbour.
B. Or 'because the light is better in the far corner'.
Most of the expedition had caught the Pegasus version of Measles and had been confined to the Infirmary. The ward was packed out and John had decided that he didn't like being on the other side of the room. So he grabbed a crutch and 'paddled' over to Rodney's bed.
Later that afternoon, both of them had decided to spin around as fast as they could to try and make Kavanaugh dizzy. And when Carson came in and found both of them over in the far corner, he demanded an explanation. Rodney had claimed that the light was better over there.
Needless to say, Beckett hadn't been amused
Rule 281: Plastic bags do not make good parachutes.
SGA-4 had gotten drunk one night, and Lt Cadman divulged that as a kid, she'd always wanted to find out if plastic bags could be used as parachutes. So her team-mates found some and they proceeded to test the theory out by jumping off the top of the stairs in the Gate Room.
Unsurprisingly, it turned out that plastic bags were as good at being fully functioning parachutes as a wet llama, and all four of them had to be taken to the Infirmary. Carson dreaded to think where they'd found the plastic bags from in the first place...
Rule 282: If you are going to roast marshmallows, please be sensible.
SGA-12 and fires were not a sensible combination - and the rest of the expedition really needed to start remembering that fact. The team started a bonfire to roast marshmallows and it turned into a scene from a disaster movie. Carson was beyond anger as he patched up the worst of the burns.
Rule 283: Moving Infirmary beds is now banned.
A. Unless you have permission from one of the Medics.
John and Rodney were really starting to try the Scotsman's patience. When they'd played a game of musical chairs using the beds, the outcome was very messy.
Rule 284: Don't build wings.
A. If God had intended for you to be capable of unassisted flight, he'd have already given you a pair.
Sergeant Domino wanted to fly and the Scientists wanted to test out their latest toy - a set of adult sized wings that could be strapped on using a harness. Amazingly, the wings worked great - for all of five minutes. After re-setting the Sergeant's clavicle, Carson went nuclear and the Scientists went into hiding.
Rule 285: No more Thumb Wars.
SGA-2 and 8 had had a Thumb War... and were now off-duty for the next six weeks while their broken appendages healed.
Rule 286: Do not blow the toilets up!
Radek had decided to blow Kavanaugh's toilet up. While it was extremely funny, it resulted in the Chemist being admitted to the Infirmary again. Thankfully, Carson had done a deal with the medics on the Daedalus, who promptly beamed him aboard.
Rule 287: You are not allowed to use your team-mates as battering rams.
A. Even if they ARE annoying you.
Lieutenant Smith had used SGA-14's resident geek, Dr Marisole, as a battering ram when the scientist couldn't get a door open. At least, that was the official version of events. It actually turned out that Dr Marisole had been winding the rest of his team up all day and they'd finally gotten fed up. Carson was less than impressed and Lieutenant Smith bore the brunt of his displeasure. The poor man would never look at a catheter in the same way again.
Rule 288: Stop fighting over Monopoly.
A. And Trivial Pursuits.
B. We already banned Scrabble.
John and Rodney really couldn't play any games without it descending into utter insanity. After the Scrabble Episode, they had been forced to play other games - with similar results. They couldn't play Monopoly because John kept stealing from the bank. Trivial Pursuits was out because Rodney knew all the answers. And both games had little pieces that fit well in a person's nose, ear, throat...
Rule 289: Do not pull pranks concerning head lice.
SGA-15 had started a rumour that they'd picked up a funky alien version of head lice... and the Medics freaked out. After twenty four people had to have their heads shaved, the team came clean - and Carson got his well-deserved payback. Now they had to wear beanies to hide the fact that they were completely bald.
Rule 290: The 'Icarus Device' is banned.
A. Stop pouting, John.
John and Rodney managed to sneak the machine that had given John a set of fully functioning wings out of storage. They then activated said device and were now both sporting a set of impressive looking wings. Carson had agreed to let them keep their new additions for a little while, but quickly changed his mind after the boys started to swoop down over people's heads. He explained to them in no uncertain terms that they'd know how game birds felt during shooting season if they didn't pack it in.
They reluctantly reversed the effects and handed over the Icarus Device. Carson was extremely happy, but the boys weren't.
Rule 291: The Infirmary beds are not to be used as go carts.
A. Or 'pirate ships'.
B. Or surfboards.
C. Or drinks trolleys.
When Carson started crying again, Elizabeth intervened. Everyone was in fear of her dreaded 'mother' look.
Rule 292: Stop referring to the ATA carriers as 'mutants'.
A. It's not their fault that the gene therapy didn't work on you, Radek.
The Czech still wasn't happy that he couldn't activate Ancient technology and had started acting like a five year old. When Rodney retaliated and electrocuted him, Carson had to step in before things got really ugly.
Like if one of them decided to build a nuclear warhead, for instance.
Rule 293: No hang-gliding off of the towers.
The Marines had started this. To begin with, it was a nice, safe way to spend an afternoon. Or it was, until one of the soldiers skimmed a little too close to the surface of the ocean that the 'Dolphi-sharks' inhabited...
The result wouldn't have looked out of place in a horror movie, but Carson managed to save the man's leg. He then banned the sport, claiming that it was for their own good.
Rule 294: Stop poking each other!
Lorne and Cadman started poking each other in a briefing. Now they were covered in bruises and Carson was verging on resorting to medieval medical practices. He was rather taken with the idea of blood-letting...
Rule 295: The Science Department are to dismantle their home-made 'tanning salon' immediately.
Carson was scared at how the brightest people on Earth could be so irresponsible. He'd had to treat more cases of sunburn than he could count and was beginning to worry that people would get skin cancer. And when one of the tanning beds 'accidentally' caught fire, he smiled innocently.
After all, he wasn't too sorry to see it go.
Rule 296: Marbles are now banned.
Corporal Rodriguez had brought back a set of marbles from his last Earth visit. After half a dozen people reported to Beckett with injuries that could only be sustained from slipping on said marbles, the Scotsman banned them.
He then got his own back by freezing them and leaving them in the Corporal's bed.
Rule 297: Never tape your team-mate's mouth shut.
Ronon had done this to Rodney. Rodney wasn't happy about it and proceeded to dye the ex runner's hair a fetching shade of fuchsia. Before long, John and Bella got involved and all four of them ended up in the Infirmary. Carson simply smiled and then locked himself in his office again.
Rule 298: Teyla is no longer allowed Popcorn unless supervised.
It turned out that Teyla had a love for the snack that rivalled Ronon's. When the Scientists rigged a popcorn popper, the Athosian promptly stole it. (She actually claimed that she had 'acquired it in the name of the Athosian people', convincing most people that she'd been watching far too many movies). After a brief scuffle with John and his men that left three people with broken bones and Lorne with a black eye, they managed to get it off her. Shocked by her addiction, Carson hastily posted this rule - mainly to save himself from the young woman's wrath.
After all, if he'd merely banned her from eating the snack, he'd have ended up a patient himself.
Rule 299: Base jumping off of the towers is now banned.
A. Don't argue about this one, kids.
B. You'll lose.
After the bans on bungee jumping, hang-gliding and abseiling, the Marines were starting to get tetchy. So they started base jumping off of the towers in the city, much to Carson's dismay. After eleven people were carried into the Infirmary, he seriously considered locking them all up in a padded cell.
Rule 300: Ping-pong is now on the list of banned sports.
Carson was in the verge of banning Ronon from playing any Earth sports - especially after he nearly blinded Major Lorne during a supposedly 'friendly' ping-pong match.
Rule 301: You are not allowed to use the CPR doll in escape attempts.
Captain Dobbins had dressed the CPR doll up as himself in order to sneak out of the Infirmary early. Although he'd done a respectable job (he'd even done to the trouble of dying the doll's hair), Carson wasn't fooled and sent Bella and Ronon to fetch him. The Captain ended up staying in the Infirmary for an extra week.
Ronon and Bella just smiled when asked what they'd done to him.
Rule 302: Do not fly stolen Darts through the Gate.
SGA-10 had stolen a Dart in a daring raid on one of the Wraith planets. Their original idea of dialling the Alpha site didn't work out too well and they ended up crashing into the stairs in the Gate Room. Carson (who had nearly been impaled by the ship) had been left a wide-eyed, rocking mess, prompting Elizabeth to post this rule in his stead. She couldn't have the off-world teams breaking the city's Chief of Medicine.
Rule 303: Stop racing the Jumpers and the Darts!
John and Rodney plus alien spaceships plus way too much energy equalled a very bad idea. They'd decided to race the newly acquired Dart against a Jumper – and nearly crashed into the main tower. Dr Cole had to sedate Carson to prevent him from doing something he'd regret.
She also didn't want to see the loveable Scotsman end up in prison for double murder.
Rule 304: Do not refer to those members of staff who have been given small amounts of Wraith DNA as 'wanna-be vampires'.
A. Or 'hybrids'.
B. It's to help them fly the Cruiser we stole.
SGA-13 were jealous because they hadn't taken to the modified retrovirus that Carson had developed. When they nearly caused a riot over the name calling, the Scotsman called them in for medicals and grounded them for a month.
Rule 305: Vodka jelly is now a contraband item.
Radek had given everyone the mumps after using an alien version of his favourite drink (his own brand was still in lockup). Carson threw a bedpan at him and Elizabeth had to have them separated.
Rule 306: SGA-1 are forbidden from drinking the alien wine brought back from M0G-300.
A. It does strange things to them.
SGA-1 had decided to go dancing on the western pier one night after imbibing an unknown quantity of the rather sweet tasting wine. That was fine – they were all adults, after all, and if they wanted to dance, then there wasn't anything to stop them. The only problem was that (for God only knew what reason) they'd decided to do so completely naked.
Carson grinned evilly at them the next morning and told them that the surveillance camera had caught everything. And he really meant everything...
Rule 307: Trampolines are not to be used next to open windows.
A. Or anything solid, for that matter.
Ronon decided to try out SGA-11's trampoline... next to an open window. He'd been a bit too enthusiastic and managed to ricochet off one of the walls before falling into the ocean. Carson wasn't happy, and Bella was still giving him the evil eye.
Rule 308: Do not suck alien Helium.
SGA-9 had brought back an alien version of Helium, which nearly everybody decided to have a go with. Unlike regular Earth Helium, the chemicals in the Pegasus version lasted much, much longer... and gave the user migraines. Carson nearly ran out of painkillers and Elizabeth actually gated off-world to get away from the sound.
Rule 309: Chocolate covered coffee beans are to be eaten in moderation.
Rodney had been working too many late nights. He also had an addiction to coffee that was bordering on psychotic. When Carson walked into the lab to find the Canadian spinning around in his chair and singing the theme tune to The Muppet Show, he put his foot down.
And then proceeded to peel Rodney off of the ceiling...
Rule 310: The Botanists are not allowed to create plant versions of chemical weapons.
The Botanists were normally well behaved, so everyone was shocked to find that they'd been responsible for this rule. A group of them decided to try and create chemical warfare weapons to use against the Wraith, using a whole range of strange alien plants. When they accidentally knocked the vials over and released the gas they'd created, Atlantis freaked out and went into lockdown. Unfortunately, it was a little bit too late and now Carson was stuck with a ward full of people. His patients had suddenly developed a whole range of symptoms, from green and purple spots to (in Ronon and Teyla's case) actual horns and claws.
Rule 311: The 'Gecko Machine' has been confiscated indefinitely.
A. Puppy dog eyes won't help you this time, John.
B. Nor will pouting.
The Ancient device that had given John the ability to walk on the walls and ceiling had been 'rescued' by Rodney, much to the Air Force man's delight. The boys decided to activate it and see how many people they could freak out before being caught. Or by lunch time (whichever came first). After Carson was called out to his fifteenth case of acute shock, he got very angry and made them reverse the effects. Then he snatched the 'Gecko Device' (as it had been lovingly called) and locked it in his office.
John was still sulking.
Rule 312: Snowball fights are to be supervised.
Much to the delight of the expedition, a freak weather front had made it snow on Lantea. The Marines had decided to start a snowball fight with the Scientists - and the Command Staff almost had to get Genghis out again.
Rule 313: Ice skating on the ocean is banned.
SGA-6 decided that they wanted to go skating, and did so on the now-frozen ocean. Unfortunately, although the surface was indeed made of ice, it wasn't as thick as everyone had originally thought. The team had to be rescued and spent the next week and a half recovering from hypothermia.
Carson was starting to look longingly at the Armoury...
Rule 314: Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are not allowed to wear costumes.
A. Ever again.
The boys had decided that it would be cool to run around in Storm Trooper costumes. John should have known better, seeing as his last two outings while in fancy dress hadn't ended well. Surprisingly, nobody had minded much, not even when the two of them started singing the Imperial March theme as loudly as they could.
They really should have known better. When Colonel Caldwell beamed down for a surprise visit, he materialised right next to Rodney. The scientist was so surprised that he tripped up and crashed into John...
Now both of them were in the Infirmary with concussions (their helmets had been really rather hard) and bruises. And worst of all, Carson had invented some very interesting lyrics for the Imperial March, which he sang as loudly as he could.
Rule 315: For the sake of Dr Beckett's sanity, do not touch sparkly and shiny things.
SGA-12 had struck again, this time managing to turn themselves into miniature dragons. Unfortunately, this wasn't the best shape to be, seeing as how the entire team were pyromaniacs and now they had all the fire their insane little hearts desired...
Rodney set about trying to reverse the effects of machine, while John was trying to keep them away from Ronon. It turned out that the Satedan was giving them ideas. Carson, meanwhile, rounded up one of his teams, armed them with hoses and set them on SGA-12. After all, they were starting to get really fed up of being covered in foam - and the alarm was driving everybody insane.
Rule 316: Orbital sky diving is not an extreme sport.
A. It's suicide.
Carson really didn't want to know what had led SGA-3 to believe that this was a good idea. After Major Lorne and his team had to be rescued by SGA-1 and a well-placed Jumper, Elizabeth wigged out and Carson wasn't that far behind her.
Rule 317: Do not swap Dr McKay's pistol for a paint-ball firing replica.
A. Especially not during a Wraith invasion of the city.
One of the newbies thought it'd be amusing to do this. In their defence, it would have been if the Wraith hadn't decided to try and invade the city a couple of hours later. Rodney didn't realise what was wrong until he got cornered by a scarily tall male Wraith...
Thankfully, John and Ronon had been just around the corner and took out the Wraith when they heard their geek's cries - before any life-sucking took place. Unfortunately, Rodney was now a gibbering wreck and Carson had to sedate him for a week before he eventually calmed down. Despite that, John was proud of his friend - judging from the amount of paint covering the corpse, if the Canadian had had a real gun, the Wraith would have been toast.
The newbie who pulled the stunt was quickly located. Elizabeth let the rest of SGA-1 dish out the punishment, and the poor man wasn't the same ever again.
To be fair, though, no one was after having to spar with Ronon and Teyla at the same time.
Rule 318: No more bumper stickers for the Jumpers.
SGA-7 thought it would be cool to give each of the Jumpers their own bumper stickers. John, unsurprisingly, agreed - much to Elizabeth's dismay. The trouble started when the off-world teams got into a massive fight over who got the coolest sticker - and said fight turned into an all-out base war. Both Genghis and Fred were called upon to put an end to the hostilities... and Carson let Bella patch up the worst of the trouble makers.
Rule 319: Personnel are reminded that the Infirmary beds are not to be used as toys.
A. I know you all act like overgrown children, but enough.
B. And if I catch whoever was responsible for the mess, they are in SERIOUS trouble.
No one was sure who'd been the genius behind Atlantis' newest invention - John and Rodney were pleading the Fifth and SGA-5 had been off-world at the time. Regardless of the culprits, the craze that was driving Carson nuts was a pretty cool one.
Someone had decided to attach a fire extinguisher to an Infirmary bed, aiming it so that the nozzle pointed to the back. They'd also managed to rig up a crude steering method and an impromptu braking system. The idea behind it was that once the 'driver' released the valve on the extinguisher, the pressure would propel the bed forwards at a respectable speed.
It worked - and now numerous personnel were patients after a series of mildly perilous drag races. Carson just hoped to the Gods of Pegasus that John and Rodney didn't get involved, or he was sure there'd be fatalities.
Elizabeth was starting to regret her suggestion. With over three hundred entries and no signs of any let-up in the stupid things people were doing, it seemed that there would be no end to Carson's ever-growing list.
Everyone else, on the other hand, had started to act like five year olds, just to see how far they could push their luck...
Rule 320: All Boxing Club members are reminded that they are supposed to be a recreational group.
A. That means that they are not allowed to threaten, injure or main anyone.
The members of Atlantis' Boxing Club took a perverse pleasure in tormenting everyone who wasn't a member. After the ninth person with a bloody nose walked into the Infirmary, Carson went and had a little 'friendly' chat with said club...
Soon, everyone on base was impressed at how the members of Boxing Club all flinched in unison whenever the Scotsman smiled at them.
Rule 321: NO MORE PETS!
SGA-1 had brought back a small, tiger-like creature which they had named Angus. SGA-4 and 5 were the proud owners of two alien raccoons named Bill and Ben. SGA-10 had adopted a lemur-like animal, which had been christened Smoky. Although Fred was delighted to have some playmates, Carson was less than thrilled - he had to give the beasts a once over to make sure that they weren't carrying any illnesses or the like.
The real reason for his unhappiness was the fact that Angus made him sneeze, Bill and Ben made a mess of the Infirmary, and Smoky bit him on the nose.
Rule 322: No more games of Tag.
The Marines were going to find themselves locked in a padded cell if they kept it up. (Unfortunately, Carson had yet to discover their new game of 'Not-Tag'...)
Rule 323: If you need a haircut, go to our resident barber, Dr Lees.
A fight had started when Kavanaugh had asked Miko to trim his hair. When Miko had given him a buzz cut that a jarhead would've been proud of, he chased her around the lab, throwing tools at her. Rodney had walked in and found himself up close and personal with a spanner. The fight soon stopped as the two of them got him to Carson - and Rodney outdid himself. He managed to yell at them for being complete idiots even while Carson was stitching his face.
Rule 324: Be nice to the Medics.
A. Remember Rule 1?
B. They have Fred, too.
Kavanaugh wasn't having a good day. After Rodney had finished ranting at him for being a complete moron, he decided to insult Carson. The Scotsman got very angry and set Fred on the long-haired Chemist...
Soon after, John and Ronon were called in to break it up and Kavanaugh ended up being admitted to the Infirmary. Technically, he hadn't been injured by Fred (the alien wolf had simply given him a warning) but Carson insisted that he needed a full round of rabies shots.
Rule 325: Yodelling is strictly prohibited.
The Bavarian personnel had formed a yodelling club. To begin with everyone tolerated it, seeing as how it was regarded as a good example of the expedition's cultural diversity. However, when they took to yodelling in the early hours of the morning over the PA system, all hell broke loose. After Carson had patched up the worst of their injuries, he posted this rule.
Rule 326: Do not scare Novak.
A. Hermiod doesn't like it.
B. Pissing off an Asgard is very, VERY stupid.
SGA-6 had made some very realistic looking Wraith masks, complete with full costumes. They then decided to wear them when they were requested aboard the Daedalus. When Novak came face to face with the four 'Wraith' who had just beamed into engineering, she freaked out and had to be sedated.
Hermiod wasn't amused and decided to punish the team by sending them to and from the city via the beaming technology... two hundred times. Carson wasn't thrilled when the team were admitted suffering some unpleasant side-effects from being de- and re-materialised so many times.
Rule 327: No more 'magic' wands!
A. You are NOT Harry Potter or Professor Lupin.
B. Seriously, stop it!
John and Rodney were starting to seriously worry everyone. After watching the latest Harry Potter film, they decided to make some working wands, using the shape changing devices previously confiscated from Corporal Sanchez and Dr Anders. Carson got very angry when half his staff ended up petrified, and wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine when he was given a tail and matching ears.
Rule 228: The PA system is strictly off limits to Colonel Sheppard.
Four words - John and Johnny Cash. After the ensuing bloodbath, Carson locked the pilot in isolation for a week to teach him a lesson.
Rule 229: Any and all pranks involving Dr McKay's coffee are to cease immediately.
A. Please?
SGA-13 started moving Rodney's coffee around in the lab. When they got bored with that, they began to mess around with the amount of coffee in the jar, taking half away only to return it later that day. And when they mixed in a substantial amount of the hallucinogenic alien tea that had sent Carson fruit loops, the results were... well, spectacular.
Beckett had them all scrubbing the Infirmary with tooth brushes when he found his friend having a staring contest with Angus and singing most of the songs from 'Cats' - in French.
Rule 330: Do not play with snakes whilst off-world.
A. Even if they do look remarkably similar to harmless Earth ones.
SGA-3 had the worst kind of luck when it came to native wild-life. When Lorne spotted what he thought was a harmless grass snake, he ended up in the Infirmary. It turned out that said snake had a bite equivalent to that of a black Mamba, but luckily, the effects weren't as immediate. Evan was also grateful that his team were so paranoid - as soon as he'd been bitten, they raced back through the Gate with their team leader and the now stunned snake. Carson had been able to make an anti-venom serum, but posted this rule as a not-so-subtle reminder that they were living in an ALIEN galaxy.
Rule 331: All magic eight balls are to be handed in to Dr Beckett IMMEDIATELY.
Why people couldn't use things for the reasons they were intended, the Scotsman would never know. SGA-8 and 9 had started to use magic eight balls to play catch with - and ended up with an impressive collection of bruises. SGA-4 had used theirs as a football, while SGA-7 decided that the object could be put to better use as a Frisbee.
And the Marines had nearly started a base war when they chose to only do as their magic eight ball instructed.
Rule 332: If you are going to grow your own crystals using a kit, then please be careful.
A. Following the instructions helps too.
The Geologists had started to grow their own crystals to decorate their lab... and it had gotten out of hand. When John and his men had to literally cut their way through six inches of quartz to free the Geologists, Carson was livid. His temper wasn't helped when he saw the injuries caused by said crystal.
Rule 333: No more mud wrestling.
A. Just no.
Quite why SGA-14 and 15 chose to start a mud wrestling contest, Carson would never know, but he wasn't laughing when both teams reported to him with all manner of injuries. And when he saw the mess they made in the ward, none of them were laughing either...
Rule 334: Cricket games are to be supervised at all times.
The English and Australian personnel decided to stage their own version of the Ashes test on base. To begin with, it was all taken in good fun, with the matches proving to be a big crowd pleaser. Even better was the fact that so far, no one had gotten hurt. Carson should have kept his mouth shut.
After the final, it was discovered that the English team were sore losers and set on their Aussie counterparts with their cricket bats. In the free-for-all that followed, fourteen people were seriously injured and Carson's ensuing rant was a record-breaker.
Rule 335: SGA-12 are not allowed anywhere near the kitchen supplies.
It was amazing what could be done with a naked flame and a small amount of flour. SGA-12 had gotten bored and decided to go in search of a late night snack. Unfortunately, one of the cooks had left a lighter on the side and the team were drawn like a moth to a light bulb...
The Command Staff were shocked to discover that the ceiling had been scorched, while the Scientists were far too excited when they heard about the ten foot high flames. Thankfully, none of SGA-12 had been hurt, but everyone was very wary around them - and Carson threatened to chop their hands off if they so much as looked at another lighter again.
Rule 336: What you do in your free time is your own choice.
A. Let's keep it that way, okay?
When John was late for a meeting, Elizabeth sent Rodney and Carson to see if he was okay. When the two of them broke into his quarters, they were shocked to find the Air Force man handcuffed to his bed, covered in some very... interesting bruises. Unsurprisingly, they didn't buy his story of being mugged by a passing group of midget aliens with sharp teeth...
Rule 337: Personnel are reminded that they are not to dress up as Wraith.
A. If you have any questions, please see Colonel Sheppard for a list of reasons why this is a stupid idea.
John decided to borrow one of SGA-6's Wraith costumes to get revenge on Rodney and Carson. (He also didn't want the rest of the base finding out the details of his date with the ever gorgeous Dr Rodriguez, who had a real fetish for biting.) When he chased the pair up and down the city, everybody freaked out and John found himself stunned several times and locked in the brig.
Needless to say, he wasn't overly happy when he woke up. His mood wasn't helped when he had to spend the next forty-two hours in the Infirmary under observation after the multiple stunnings.
Rule 338: Do not tease SGA-12 about their time as dragons.
A. They're still a bit tetchy about it.
Although the team had been human-shaped for a couple of months, some of the expedition took every opportunity they could get to torment SGA-12. The jokes ranged from renditions of 'Puff the Magic Dragon' to bits of coal being left outside their respective quarters.
When the team eventually snapped, it wasn't pretty and Carson had to lock them in Isolation until they'd calmed down.
Rule 339: Stop licking strange objects!
Dr Cottonby of SGA-14 had licked an Ancient device following on from a bet he had going with Captain Tucker. When his team rushed the poor man into the Infirmary, Carson nearly had a stroke.
Dr Cottonby was now completely white from head to foot, and had a very nice set of fangs to go along with his snout and claws.
Rule 340: Those personnel engaged in playing Pirates Vs Hockey Players are reminded that while we tolerate this foolishness, you are not allowed to actually hurt anyone.
A. If you carry on, we'll ban it.
Pirates Vs Hockey Players was starting to get violent and Carson wasn't too far behind himself. When Chuck was admitted with a broken arm, concussion and internal bleeding, the Scotsman threatened to take a hockey stick and shove it where the sun didn't shine.
Rule 341: Keep Angus away from Fred!
SGA-1's pet tiger was teaching the alien wolf some very bad habits. After Carson had been pounced on by Fred one too many times, he yelled at John and Rodney. Unfortunately, Angus overheard the heated words and went in for the kill...
The boys managed to separate the two before there were any fatalities and spent the next week not talking to Carson, claiming that he'd hurt Angus' feelings.
Rule 342: The Infirmary is not a recreational area.
Carson went postal when the Marines' game of 'Not-Tag' spilled over into his beloved Infirmary. The Command Staff refused to take any responsibility for what happened next, declaring that everyone had already been warned accordingly.
They also denied filming the incident to use as a training video for the new recruits...
Rule 343: Do not pass comment on Ronon and Bella's blossoming relationship.
A. Do you REALLY want them mad at you?
The rumour mill had a death wish. After Ronon and Bella had to be restrained, Carson posted this rule to prevent any unwanted deaths on base. (The actual reason behind the rule was to prevent him from having to do any unnecessary paperwork that a murder would have caused.)
Rule 344: Roller skates are not to be left in the hallways.
A. The same goes for skateboards.
B. And magic eight balls.
Carson tripped over Rodney's roller skates, John's skateboard and SGA-4's magic eight ball in the space of ten minutes. Now he was hobbling around on a pair of crutches and threatening to hit the next person who did something stupid.
Rule 345: Dr Beckett wishes to remind all personnel that eating strange foods is not a good idea.
Thirty two cases of projectile vomiting. Enough said.
Rule 346: Leave the plants in Lab Three alone.
A. Haven't you people ever seen 'The Day of the Triffids'?
The Botanists had discovered a plant that was eerily similar to a Triffid. When the Marines decided to 'investigate' said plant, they were nearly eaten alive and Carson had to physically stop himself from strangling them.
Rule 347: Pogo sticks are only to be used if wearing the proper safety equipment.
Some people never learned. This time it was the Scientists, who had decided to have a contest to see who could pogo for the longest. When Radek nearly put his eye out, Carson considered letting Fred chase him around the city.
Rule 348: Personnel are not allowed to compare Dr Beckett with the hologram doctor from 'Star Trek Voyager'.
A. Or any of the other doctors from the 'Star Trek' series.
B. Apart from Julian Bashir - he likes that one.
Needless to say, the Scotsman wasn't overly amused when these references started - and vented said displeasure on everyone else. Elizabeth posted this rule to stop any injuries from happening - their official accident book was already twelve volumes long and the IOA were starting to ask awkward questions.
Rule 349: Do not feed people's pets.
SGA-11 had fed Angus some leftover chocolate, which made the tiger more than a bit hyperactive. Three hours later, John and Rodney finally managed to persuade their pet to stop trying to eat Carson...
Rule 350: SGA-7 are not allowed to have sharp objects for the foreseeable future.
Carson couldn't cope. SGA-1 were banned from pretty much anything. SGA-2 weren't allowed to play with chemicals, while SGA-3 and 4 had problems with wildlife. SGA-5 weren't allowed to touch native food stuffs. SGA-6 had a thing for starting fights with anyone who disagreed with them. SGA-8 was usually the team who ended up provoking the locals, and SGA-9 weren't allowed to go near fireworks. SGA-10 and 11 were well-known for having an unhealthy relationship with explosives. SGA-12 were pyromaniacs. SGA-13 lived up to their namesake, being one of the unluckier teams, while SGA-14 and 15 had a nasty habit of breaking/crashing/generally messing up the Jumpers.
And now SGA-7 had proved that they couldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.
Rule 351: Claiming that you have a phobia of hospitals is not an excuse for missing pre and post mission check-ups.
Rodney had started this up and now all his science teams were using the excuse. Carson wasn't thrilled.
Rule 352: Never 'cry wolf'.
Captain Laverne was an even bigger hypochondriac than Rodney. After two months of being called out at all hours because the young man was convinced he'd either caught a deadly disease or was going to lose a limb, Carson had reached the end of his tether. Luckily, although he was fed up, he didn't forbid his teams from treating the Captain...
It was a good job he didn't, too, when Laverne got his leg trapped in a malfunctioning door. He learnt his lesson and Carson got to say 'I told you so'.
Rule 353: All music is to be played at a sensible level.
The Medics got a bit too lively after the Christmas party and decided to play a selection of Christmas songs over the PA system. Someone managed to get the volume stuck at FULL and soon most of the expedition were reporting to the Infirmary with burst ear drums.
John and Rodney valiantly managed to switch it off and then went and yelled at the Medics for spilling mulled wine over the controls. They knew that no one could hear them - it just made them feel better.
Rule 354: Do not mention the 'Paintball' Incident in the presence of Dr Beckett.
The 'Paintball Incident' had been ugly. The Marines (being Marines) hadn't known when to quit and half of them ended up in the Infirmary with a variety of injuries. That wouldn't have been a problem if the game hadn't spilled over into the ward...
Carson refused to tell anyone what had actually happened, and had made Rodney destroy the video footage and swear secrecy on pain of death. The Scotsman still twitched whenever anyone mentioned it...
Rule 355: The Scientists are not allowed to make tear gas.
The Scientists had been given an afternoon off - which was always a very dangerous thing to do. Instead of relaxing and watching movies like normal people, they had invented their very own tear gas. Carson nearly pulled his hair out when he found out.
Rule 356: The Marines are not allowed to use the Scientists' tear gas.
Whenever the Scientists invented something, the Marines got very excited. The Scientists loved the fact that the Marines were willing guinea pigs and promptly handed over their new weapon for testing... Two weeks later, the smell hadn't quite gone away and people were still suspiciously misty eyed.
Rule 357: Dr Beckett is not to be referred to as the 'Scottish King of the Needle People'.
Teyla had gotten drunk again.
Rule 358: No more war games.
A. Ever.
B. I don't CARE if it's for 'training purposes'.
Carson was on the verge of actual violence, and John hadn't come out of hiding. The Air Force man had decided to make the war games mandatory, claiming that they would be excellent training for combat situations whilst off-world. Unfortunately, the Marines got over-excited and a lot of people got injured.
Rule 359: Climbing buildings in Atlantis without the proper safety gear is strictly prohibited.
Laura Cadman and Miko Kusanagi had dared each other to see who could climb higher up the central tower. Surprisingly, the timid Japanese scientist won by a whole two floors. After that, it was only a matter of mounting a rescue operation - which involved two Jumpers, four teams... and Carson reluctantly letting John use the 'Gecko Device' again.
Unexpectedly, Beckett didn't complain while having to tend to the rope burns and sprained muscles of the two unfortunate climbers... but then again, he got to spend more time with Laura.
Everyone on base was an idiot as far as Carson was concerned.
Personally, he blamed Elizabeth for making him write the Rulebook in the first place. The number of accidents was up over two hundred percent and rising, and he was seriously considering running off to pick a fight with a passing Wraith. He let out a sigh as he stared at his laptop, where he was compiling the latest Rules. "What's up, doc?"
Beckett spun around to see John hovering in the doorway to his office, a cheeky grin on his boyish face. "Hullo, lad," he answered, rubbing a hand over his face. "I was just adding the latest instalment to this growing nightmare of mine."
John chuckled and moved closer to peer at the screen over his friend's shoulder. "Aw, but we love it, Carson," he replied innocently, ignoring the strangled growl. "And besides, you obviously haven't heard the latest..."
Carson lowered his head to the desk and started banging it as John started talking...
Rule 360: Those members who own pets are reminded that they have a responsibility to care for them.
A. That means you have to wash and groom them.
B. Have you SEEN the size of the fleas they're carrying?
It was official - Atlantis had an infestation of scarily large fleas thanks to the troupe of alien beasts and Carson was half a breath away from literally killing all of their respective owners. (Well, that wasn't strictly true - Rodney had been taking excellent care of Angus and had an uncanny knack for shooting the fleas on the spot. He hadn't missed one yet.)
The fact that there were fleas the size of mice didn't bother the Scotsman. It wasn't that he was annoyed about being inundated with patients who had ugly looking bite marks, or even the knowledge that the expedition had found Bella's only weak spot (she was terrified of fleas.)
No, the thing that pushed his stress levels far higher than any human being should ever experience was the fact that his beloved alien wolf Fred now had them. Smoky, Bill and Ben were banned from the Infirmary and their respective owners were trying to figure out the best way to go on the lam.
Rule 361: If you find food that it well past its sell-by date, for the love of God, DO NOT EAT IT!
SGA-15 were normally fairly sensible compared to the other off-world teams, and everyone was shocked to discover that they'd been the cause of this particular rule. Sgt Jergen had been suggested a game of Truth or Dare, which ended up with all of his team under Carson's care after eating some MREs that were well past their use-by date.
Apparently, the new species of fungus covering said military rations hadn't put the team off...
Several stomach pumps, more vomit than Carson had ever seen in his life (not to mention what was happening at the other end) and fifteen ruined bedpans later, and the Scotsman was beginning to wonder how SGA-15 ever passed boot camp.
Rule 362: Do not run whilst carrying fizzy drinks.
A. Especially not if it's Coca-Cola.
John hadn't learnt his lesson from the incident in the mess hall, where he'd used Carson's bottle of Coke to put out a fire. This time, he was jogging down the hall with a bottle of said drink in his hands. He was trying to appease Carson after the SGA-15's latest show of idiocy. Unfortunately, despite his high IQ, the Air Force man had forgotten his basic physics.
Like, for instance, if you shake up a bottle of fizzy pop and then open it, the contents will spray everywhere.
A drenched Carson was too angry to speak. Not only had he been soaked through with the sticky liquid, John had wasted an entire bottle of his favourite drink. Ronon had to break up the ensuing fight and Rodney hastily added this rule in to let everyone know that getting between Beckett and his Coca-Cola was very dangerous indeed.
Rule 363: All 'Trust' games are suspended indefinitely.
The explosives experts had challenged the Marines to a game of Trust, which was about as safe as asking a Wraith to give you a hug. The explosives experts started it first by purposely not catching their Marine counterparts. The Marines had then retaliated by falling over when the person they were meant to be catching did.
By the time Carson broke it up, both sides were openly cheating by calling names out to distract the people on catching duties. After treating the worst of the injuries, Beckett banned the sport and called them all some rather rude names. In Gaelic. With gestures.
Rule 364: Chairs were made for sitting in, not rocking.
A. Or for playing 'forts'.
B. Or as impromptu footballs.
C. Don't make me ban sitting, children.
Carson yelled himself hoarse at John and Rodney, threw a bedpan at Lorne and then locked himself in his office and let Fred chase them and the rest of the perpetrators around the city.
For three days.
Rule 365: 'Human Dominos' is not to be played anywhere on base.
Having been banned from playing Trust, the explosives experts started a craze for human dominos. When several people were involuntarily crushed, Carson started laughing hysterically. Drs Cole and Morrison dealt with the casualties and then craftily sedated their boss before he lost it completely.
Rule 366: Stop jumping out of moving Jumpers, John!
Rodney had insisted that Carson post this rule after the feral-haired pilot went on another of his suicide missions. As soon as John woke up again, he had to face Carson and Rodney - who were both extremely pissed off.
A part of him really wished he'd been more successful at the suicide part...
Rule 367: Paper plane slingshots are not to be used in the Gate Room.
Chuck had designed and built a fully functioning paper plane sling shot that propelled the handmade crafts at an impressive speed. Said slingshot was promptly confiscated by Carson after a 'battle' in the Gate Room resulted in three people bleeding severely, and someone else being almost blinded.
Chuck was still upset.
Rule 368: The male expedition members are reminded that the ladies' bathroom is strictly off limits.
A. Don't upset the girls.
B. They get aggressive when it's... THAT time of the month.
C. And what the hell were you doing in there anyway?
Women and PMT - quite possibly the most dangerous combination in existence, and yet still some of the male members of staff pushed their luck. Carson shook his head sadly as he finished patching up Corporal Sanchez, who had been rescued last minute from being lynched, and advised him to find somewhere quiet to hide for the next four days.
Rule 369: Personnel are not allowed to bite each other.
A. Even if you got bitten first.
SGA-12 needed serious professional help. To be fair, it wasn't their fault that the 'fight' started - SGA-8 had been teasing them about the time they spent as dragons. Captain Gregory of SGA-12 snapped and bit SGA-8's technical adviser, Dr Tin. It got ugly after that, and Carson was disturbed to say the least.
Rule 370: Dr Beckett wishes to remind all expedition members that, while funny, tampering with a colleague's shower is not professional.
A. Even if it's Kavanaugh's.
Radek had messed around with the Chemist's shower, intending to set it so that it only gave out cold water. Unfortunately, he pressed the wrong button (he hadn't been wearing his glasses at the time) and Kavanaugh was back in the Infirmary with second degree burns down his back.
Radek was still hiding.
Rule 371: Do not fly kites while drunk.
A. Or if the Marines are around.
B. You know how trigger-happy they can be.
SGA-14 had thought it would be a nice way to spend their afternoon off, and it was - to begin with. Then they decided that it would be much better to have a few beers while flying their kites. Due to their inebriation, they didn't spot the Marines until it was too late.
Later that day, the team was in the Infirmary getting the bollocking of their lives from Beckett. Across the ward, John was doing the same with his Marines. It really wasn't SGA-14's hangovers any...
Rule 372: No more silly string.
Carson didn't even want to know who'd done it or where they'd gotten it, but he was amazed to find that the product could be used to trip people up if enough of it was sprayed. He confiscated all the supplies and stashed them in his office, reasoning that they might come in handy the next time SGA-1 were his guests.
Rule 373: Please refrain from painting the Daedalus.
A. Yes, it looked very impressive in that lovely shade of pink, but Colonel Caldwell wasn't impressed.
B. And Hermiod actually swore in English.
The crew of the Daedalus were not to be messed with. EVER.
After twenty-three people were admitted with 'beaming bends', Carson went berserk. Elizabeth, meanwhile, had to try and broker peace talks with the Colonel and the Asgard... which was a lot easier said than done.
Rule 374: Do not bring live Wraith back into the city.
In his defence, John hadn't known that the Wraith drone had leapt through the Gate after him. He honestly thought he'd killed them all, but then again, the Wraith were as persistent as they were menacing. Thankfully, the Gate Room guards soon took care of their unwanted house guest, but not before John had been flung with considerable force into one of the windows.
Carson told him off as he patched up the worst of the cuts, but it was mainly worry not anger. He certainly taught John a lesson he'd never forget though, when he pulled out a large bore needle to administer the antibiotics...
Rule 375: Ronon's sparring sessions are not to be used as impromptu betting games.
A. We know it was you, Colonel Sheppard.
B. And we know how much money you made...
Rodney, Carson, Teyla and Elizabeth were furious. John had fled to the mainland until they'd calmed down. Ronon, on the other hand, didn't see what all the fuss was about.
Rule 376: Under no circumstances whatsoever should anyone administer the Wraith retrovirus to Colonel Sheppard.
When one of the new Medics accidentally administered the retrovirus to John, everyone freaked out. Bug-Sheppard was back...
Thankfully, Carson still had some supplies of the antidote from the last time John had transformed, and the Colonel was back to normal in no time. Unfortunately, his hair was still slightly blue...
Rule 377: The Gate Technicians are reminded that I banned paper planes for a reason.
A. I don't CARE if your version of the Daedalus was cool.
B. Pack it in or I'll send Bella down there to break it up.
Chuck was proving to be one hell of a rebel. In retaliation for Carson confiscating his paper plane slingshot, the Canadian technician built a very impressive paper replica of the Daedalus. Even cooler was the fact that he'd bribed Miko into creating a miniature version of the Asgard beaming weapon...
When Carson started to hear reports of casualties, he flipped out completely. Chuck was now on KP duty for six months and had had more 'vitamin' shots than were really necessary.
Rule 378: Elastic band slingshots are not to be used in public.
A. We still have Genghis and we're not afraid to use him.
The madness continued and this time, the Command Staff were ready. After treating a variety of odd injuries, Carson found out that the Marines had elastic band slingshots that were closely modelled on Chuck's paper plane version.
Oddly enough, when they threatened to switch the robot on, the culprits stopped.
Rule 379: 'Cops and Robbers' is only to be played in wide open spaces.
SGA-11 and 13 decided to play 'Cops and Robbers' – in the middle of the conference room. After Dr Yale nearly got himself impaled on one of the tables, Carson posted this rule.
Rule 380: Arithmophobia is not an excuse.
A. You'll just have to close your eyes and think happy thoughts.
B. If you're very good, I'll give you a lollipop.
C. And if one more person claims that they suffer from Trypanophobia...
Carson accepted that some people had a genuine phobia of needles and he tolerated that. However, three quarters of the base suddenly developed the affliction. And when people started to use Trypanophobia (the irrational fear of medical procedures involving needles) as an excuse, he was starting to get a little bit annoyed.
Rule 381: The Marines are not allowed to play Hide and Seek.
A. Especially if it's in the dark.
The Marines plus beer plus an unhealthy obsession with children's games equalled a lot of casualties and an irate Scotsman.
Rule 382: Would all male expedition members kindly remember not to touch the chocolate brownies when it's 'you know when' time.
A. The girls get mean.
B. And you'd be surprised at just how much damage a set of nails can do.
As if the bathroom incident hadn't been a big enough warning, now Carson had casualties from the 'Brownie Caper'. He was seriously considering ordering all the men on base to sit through the sex education videos again...
Rule 383: You cannot make popcorn using Tava Beans, so stop trying.
A. The Daedalus is only a week away and Colonel Caldwell has assured us that there is plenty of popcorn in the cargo hold.
B. Dr Beckett is on the verge of going spare, so suck it up and stop whining or be prepared to suffer the consequences.
Due to a nameless clerk's mistake with a requisition form, all the popcorn supplies intended for Atlantis ended up in Rammstein Air Base. Needless to say, there was nearly a mutiny when it was discovered that instead of goodies, they had twenty extra boxes of shaving cream. Deprived of their favourite snack, members of the expedition started searching for an adequate surrogate...
Soon the Infirmary was swamped with indigestion cases, and a seething Carson had demanded an intervention from Elizabeth. The dark haired woman was sure that General Landry was going to request psych evals for everyone in the city if they kept it up.
Rule 384: The next person to mess with the medical supplies will be fed to Fred - with the Command Staff's blessing.
A. Hands off, you lot, or there'll be hell to pay.
Someone had been feeling mischievous and applied a generous amount of itching powder to all the fresh sheets, towels and scrubs in the Infirmary's storage. Inevitably, SGA-1 landed themselves in Beckett's care again (after pissing off some natives who had really big swords) and were the first to discover the sabotage. The next week was hell on Earth for the good doctor and his staff, and before his patients were released, the Scotsman started to look at his bigger scalpels and bone saws with a terrifying longing...
Rule 385: Innocent until proven guilty is in force on Atlantis too, John,
A. You have no proof against Dr Kavanaugh, so stop harassing him.
Convinced that the pony-tailed Chemist was the culprit behind the 'Itching Powder Misery', Sheppard decided to take revenge on him - and the rest of his team went along with his evil scheme happily. Over the course of the next week, Kavanaugh found a very hungry Angus locked in his room and his entire laundry got mixed with used diapers. Ronon, meanwhile, had started to use the Chemist's lab as his favourite spot for practicing his knife throwing, and finally, his quarters were spectacularly jettisoned from the city. Rodney had smiled innocently and claimed it was due to a 'security system malfunction' and then went to join the rest of his team as they happily watched it sinking in the ocean.
Rule 386: Do not throw blue Jello around.
A. I've already banned food fights.
B. You'll upset Ronon and Dr McKay.
C. You REALLY don't want to upset Ronon and Dr McKay.
SGA-5 and 9 had been having an argument over the merits of different desserts and one thing had led to another. When the rest of the mess hall joined in, the resulting food fight was spectacular. It was only when everyone was cleaning up that they discovered that the last crate of blue Jello had been nobly sacrificed to the cause...
When Rodney and Ronon heard about the incident, everyone went into hiding. After all, the Satedan could kill a man with one hand, while McKay knew the inner workings of the city inside out. And after three people were admitted to the Infirmary following 'accidents', Carson put his foot down.
Rule 387: Dr Simpson and Dr Kavanaugh are not allowed to be left alone together.
A. Seriously.
B. It's not what you think, people...
Dr Simpson and Dr Kavanaugh had a very clear cut working relationship - they hated each other. To be fair, most of the expedition wasn't overly fond of the pony-tailed man, but Dr Simpson loathed him with a passion that was frightening to behold.
When the two of them got stuck in a malfunctioning transporter, Carson was shocked to find Kavanaugh unconscious when the doors were finally freed. Simpson simply gave him a sweet smile and escorted the med team to the Infirmary - where she was given some ice for her now bruised knuckles.
Rule 388: All off-world teams are reminded that they are not to imitate characters from movies whilst on missions.
A. Don't make me ban the DVD player...
SGA-10 had been assigned to check out M6S-234 - which turned out to be a rainforest planet. And when they found some sturdy looking vines, they simply couldn't resist the urge to swing on them a la Tarzan...
Carson's unbridled Scottish wrath was soon unleashed when the team limped through the Gate with an assortment of broken appendages. And their 'but you only said we couldn't swing off the balconies in the city' argument wasn't working as well as they'd hoped.
Rule 389: All newly found Ancient devices are to be reported and deposited in Lab One, under Dr McKay's care.
SGA-2 had struck again. On his latest mission, Lt Stackhouse found and activated a small, handheld device that instantly turned his skin and hair bright green. After Dr Singh confirmed that the effects were harmless and temporary, the team decided to work on their reputation by pulling a prank on the Medical Department. They smuggled the device back to Atlantis and soon became regular guests in the Infirmary as victims of a mysterious, pigmentation altering condition.
The prank ran for a record breaking two weeks, until Carson became so depressed and discouraged by his inability to discover a successful treatment that he decided to tender his resignation from the Chief of Medicine position.
The next morning, SGA-2 waited in his office with the now neatly packed up device, Sgt Estevez's famous apple pie and a big banner saying 'We're very sorry, Doc. Please don't leave us'.
Rule 390: Never mess with a soldier's geek.
A. You'll get hurt.
Dr Parrish had been the victim of a prank gone bad and was now in the Infirmary with a broken leg. When Lorne found out about the damage inflicted on his geek, he went on the warpath. Thankfully, the Major soon found out the identity of the person responsible without too many innocent casualties.
Needless to say, Carson wasn't too happy to have to patch the unfortunate Dr Trevanian up - and was even less impressed when he found out why he was doing so...
After the loveable Scot had finished with him, Dr Trevanian couldn't sit for a week and a half.
Rule 391: Puppets are not allowed off-world.
Dr Peters turned out to be not only a talented linguist, but a gifted ventriloquist. He had even brought a puppet from Earth, which he often used to entertain both the Athosian children and many expedition members with great success.
Unfortunately, his decision to take the puppet on an off-world mission when he was asked to act as SGA-3's geek until Dr Parrish was cleared for duty again turned out to be a massive mistake. The priests on P5Y-10 pronounced the 'talking wood' a form of black magic and ordered Peters and the rest of SGA-3 to be burned at the stake for heresy.
Luckily, SGA-1 and 7 were able to rescue Lorne's team in time - and Carson was so relieved that he only had to deal with first and second degree burns that he didn't even rant at them.
Parrish, on the other hand, gave Lorne an earful and made his team-mate promise not to go on any more missions until he was back on his feet.
Rule 392: Hair dye is to be used in moderation.
After the Bug-Sheppard incident, John's hair was still blue. Carson was shocked when the rest of SGA-1 dyed their hair to match their team leader's, claiming that they were doing it out of solidarity. Nobody really objected to the new look of Atlantis' premiere away team, but the rest of the off-world teams decide that they wanted in on the trend. Now each SGA team had a set hair colour and Carson was fed up of having to treat all the skin allergies and peroxide-induced headaches.
Rule 393: The rule concerning new pets is now extended to artificial ones.
It had all started when SGA-2 became jealous of some of the other teams (or their pets, to be precise). Despite the fact that Dr Singh wasn't keen of animals and Sgt Estevez never had anything bigger than a hamster, but the other two members were animal lovers through and through. Although they came from different backgrounds (Stackhouse was born and raised in the suburbs while Jenkins was a farm boy), they had always had dogs around before joining the military.
The sight of Fred and Angus (although he was more of a cat) trotting around the city happily with their respective owners awakened happy memories and spurred their competitiveness. Since they couldn't bring back any animals to Atlantis without breaking a direct order, the four conspirators decided to use a newly found loop hole in the 'no new pets' rule. Acquiring the help of Radek, who didn't like animals but secretly wanted to one-up and irritate Rodney, the team got to work.
After a week of furious tinkering and brainstorming, SGA-2 proudly presented their newest 'member' to the unsuspecting population of Atlantis. The mechanical beast that trotted between Lt Stackhouse and Corporal Jenkins was a sight to behold. It looked like something out of a James Cameron movie and could only be described as 'Cujo meets Terminator'. Only slightly smaller than Fred, it easily weighed three hundred kilos, had a titanium skeleton, Kevlar reinforced carbon plating, a full set of broad spectrum scanners, a control system salvaged from an un-repairable Jumper and an impressive set of laser sharpened fangs. 'Milo' – as the team had lovingly called their mascot - was met with amazed silence but everything was fine... until the 'mecha-dog' came into the vicinity of Colonel Sheppard.
The Ancient based systems that made up Milo reacted immediately to the pilot's super strong ATA gene - and John was instantly flattened on the floor by a now happily yapping and excitable mass of metal and plastic. Luckily for Stackhouse and his team, their CO took the incident with good humour - contrary to Carson, who had to fix his friend's four cracked ribs and a dislocated shoulder. Elizabeth wasn't thrilled either, but as a dog person, she couldn't order Jenkins to dismantle Milo. Instead, she demanded more safeguards to be installed and posted this rule to prevent any attempts to create an artificial menagerie in the future.
Rule 394: Doors were not designed to be run into.
A. You're meant to open them first.
Dr Harper had been very excited by his latest find - so excited, in fact, that he forgot to think 'open' at the doors of his lab. Now he was sat on a cot with a bloody nose and a very sheepish expression. Carson just sighed and shook his head.
Rule 395: Watch where you're going.
The Scotsman was beginning to wonder if someone had put stupid juice in the water. After treating three people who had tripped over their own feet and two others who had 'forgotten' that there were stairs, he was less than impressed.
Rule 396: Leave Angus alone.
A. Rodney gets upset when people pick on his 'cat'.
B. He's friends with Milo.
When Kavanaugh had dumped three gallons of ice water on Angus, SGA-1's miniature tiger, the poor animal ran into Rodney's quarters and refused to move from behind the scientist's closet. Two hours later, McKay finally managed to persuade his 'cat' to come out and went postal when he saw what had been done. He scooped Angus up (no mean feat considering that the alien tiger weighed about as much as Ronon) and took him down to the Infirmary, demanding that Carson treat him for hypothermia.
For once, the Canadian's diagnosis was pretty accurate - Angus was indeed suffering from mild hypothermia, and a nasty case of shock. Once he was satisfied that his beloved pet was going to be alright, he radioed John...
After a brief conversation with SGA-2, the boys went to pay Kavanaugh a visit - with Milo in tow. No one really knew what happened, but for the next week, the Chemist refused to come out of his quarters and neither John nor Rodney were telling. They were also surprised at how well Milo and Rodney seemed to be getting along, and made sure to pay close attention to this rule.
Rule 397: Personnel are reminded that sleep deprivation is not a pretty sight.
SGA-5 and 9 had put bets on who could stay awake the longest. When they all ended up under Carson's care for sleep deprivation related injuries, he sedated them all and posted this rule.
After all, having Rodney to deal with was bad enough.
Rule 398: Stop running into the walls!
A. And yes, it still counts even if you apologise to the wall afterwards.
The Military contingent was starting to really worry Beckett.
Rule 399: If you are going to chew bubble gum, be careful.
Some of the off-world teams had decided that they wanted to have a bubble gum contest, with the winner being the person who could blow the biggest bubble before it popped. To begin with, it was fairly amusing, but it soon degenerated when SGA-3 accused SGA-7 of cheating. Carson had never had to remove bubble gum from someone's nose before...
Rule 400: Personnel are reminded that they are not to stare directly at the sun.
SGA-11 had done this and had nearly gone blind. Carson had then treated them and nearly gone postal.
Rule 401: Juggling with oranges is prohibited.
A. Dr McKay's allergic to them, remember?
The Marines had started a Juggling Club - and were surprisingly very good at it. The only problem came when they started juggling oranges and lemons in the mess - and in the vicinity of Rodney. Thankfully, his allergic reaction was only a mild case of hives, but Carson's real problem came when he had to prise John off of the soldier whose idea it was in the first place.
Treating a badly bruised trachea was not how he envisioned spending his Saturday afternoon.
Rule 402: Do not fight over bubble wrap.
A. Yes, we know everyone loves to pop the bubbles, but really...
B. Just... no.
Elizabeth asked Carson what had happened, but the Scotsman was keeping mum. (He'd been the one to start the fight in the first place...)
Rule 403: No more gross games!
John had played a mean trick on Dr Cannock - he'd poured water into his hand, made a sneezing noise and thrown said water onto the back of the poor man's neck. Dr Cannock had freaked out completely and had needed to be treated for a panic attack by a very angry Carson.
Rule 404: Spinning in computer chairs in strictly prohibited.
SGA-5 had been bored while waiting in the labs and had decided to have a competition to see who could spin the longest. Carson was beyond anger when he had to treat the team for dizziness and 'spinning chair' related injuries.
Rule 405: The comms system is not to be used for prank calls.
The Botanists had gotten drunk and started to make prank calls over the comms system. Their idiocy soon spread when John and Rodney decided that they wanted in - and set out to annoy the hell out of as many people as possible. Nobody knew where they'd gotten the voice changer from, or that Rodney had an impressive talent for mimicking people's accents, but when Carson got hold of them, he made them wish they'd never been born.
Rule 406: Holding your breath to get your own way is childish.
Dr Tin had done this when Elizabeth wouldn't let him study the Ancient lab on M9R-999. He'd turned an impressive shade of blue before he passed out and was taken to Carson for concussion.
Rule 407: No more 'holding your breath competitions'!
Dr Tin's scene in Elizabeth's office had inspired the Marines to do this - with disastrous consequences. Carson had to be physically restrained.
Rule 408: Do not lick people.
A. Some people happen to suffer from Queunliskanphobia.
B. And no, I didn't just make that up.
For God only knew what reason, Lt Fellows had licked Dr Harper, which resulted in her having a massive, hysteria induced panic attack. After she'd been treated by a very concerned Carson, it emerged that she had an almost paralysing fear of saliva.
Rule 409: No pinching people.
The Marines got bored and decided to test Carson's now infamous patience...
Rule 410: All pinching wars are to cease immediately.
...And paid the price spectacularly. No one was really sure what the Scotsman had done, but suddenly, the Marines were behaving themselves and keeping out of mischief.
They all seemed to have a strange limp though.
Rule 411: Do not let SGA-12 have magnifying glasses.
SGA-12 managed to set fire to half the city before anyone realised what had happened.
Rule 412: Dr Singh is not allowed to pilot the Jumpers by order of Colonel Sheppard and Dr Beckett.
A. We know about the incident on P6X-700.
B. Consider yourself lucky to still be with us, Doctor...
Dr Singh, SGA-2's short, bushy bearded Indian Geologist, had piloting skills that made even Carson look like a pro. No one other than the Command Staff knew all the details about what had happened on P6X-700, other than it involved an ostrich farm. And that Dr Singh was now never allowed to touch the flight controls of a Jumper ever again, not even in an emergency.
It later transpired that Stackhouse had only agreed with the rule so that Sgt Estevez wouldn't stop baking her famous cookies.
Rule 413: Juggling with knives is banned.
A. You're giving Ronon ideas, people.
The Juggling Club was going to be in BIG trouble when Carson got his hands on them.
Rule 414: Do not hide under a sheet and claim you are a ghost.
A. It won't end well.
B. Especially if Carson catches you.
SGA-8 had decided to spend the day pretending to be ghosts. While they looked pretty cool, they'd used the sheets from the Infirmary stores, and Carson was furious.
Rule 415: Personnel are not allowed to build fully functioning replicas of the Doctor's sonic screwdriver.
A. We're not living in a sci-fi show, children!
The Scientists had been watching too much Dr Who again. After nearly blowing up the lab, Carson confiscated the device and patched up the worst of the injuries before spending a record breaking seven hours yelling at Rodney.
Rule 416: Never, under any circumstances whatsoever, leave fake spiders in Dr Beckett's office.
Carson was actually terrified of spiders. When someone left a rubber Tarantula on the desk in his office, he turned into a gibbering wreck and had to spend the next twelve hours under sedation.
Rule 417: Pencils are meant to be used for writing/drawing.
Carson was baffled when he had to treat SGA-6 - who had gotten pencils stuck up their nose. When asked for an explanation, they had sheepishly replied that they were playing Walrus...
Rule 418: The same goes for paintbrushes too, Major Lorne.
Lorne, on the other hand, had gotten into a scrap with Sgt Kemp that left both men with various injuries. Carson was not impressed when he had to remove a paintbrush from Lorne's ear and another from Kemp's nose.
Rule 419: Do not re-enact scenes from 'Shaun of the Dead'.
The Marines, a couple of cricket bats and SGA-7's fake blood. Carson took to his bed with the mother of all migraines.
Rule 420: The Science Department are banned from watching any/all of the 'Saw'
A. Remember what we said about giving them ideas?
B. We know it was you, Colonel.
C. And claiming they were 'Wraith traps' is not a valid excuse.
John was a very bad influence on Rodney's band of geeks. After two of them nearly ended up being decapitated by a working replica of the Pendulum Trap from Saw IV, Carson reached a whole new level of enraged.
Rule 421: All trapezes are to be dismantled immediately.
A. You're not a part of the Cirque du Soleil.
The Xenobiologists were still sulking - and hobbling around with slings and crutches.
Rule 422: If you value your life, never fish off the East Pier.
A. The Dolphi-Sharks don't like it.
B. They have nasty teeth...
Carson and Rodney had gone fishing one afternoon, and ended up being nearly eaten by the Dolphi-Sharks. Needless to say, the Scotsman quickly posted this rule, got Rodney to delete all the video footage and vowed to go to the mainland next time.
Rule 423: If you value your life, do not play fetch with Milo.
Rodney and John thought it would be a good way to spend the afternoon... and both ended up in the Infirmary with a very sorry looking metal dog.
Rule 424: Jackass/Dirty Sanchez/any other stupid shows where people do idiotic things are now banned.
A. That includes you too, Marines.
After setting more bones in one afternoon than he had in his entire career so far, Carson had had enough. He yelled at Elizabeth. Elizabeth yelled at John. John yelled at his Marines.
Rule 425: Do not set up traps in the corridors.
A. We'll set the zoo on you.
The Scientists still hadn't dismantled all the traps left over from their 'Saw' phase. Quite why they decided to turn Corridor 13 into a living death trap, no one was sure, but Carson was furious when the casualties started flooding in.
Rule 426: All personnel are reminded that the no pets rule is still in force.
A. 'It just followed me' is not an excuse.
B. Having said that, SGA-3 are allowed to keep their new 'friend'.
SGA-3 had been followed home by a blue badger-like creature that they promptly named 'Red'. When Elizabeth ordered them to return Red to his home planet, they had rebelled and started a base war - and everyone found out that the badger had a mean bite. Even worse, Angus and Fred formed an almost inseparable friendship with their newest animal companion and had howled for hours before the expedition leader relented.
Rule 427: Do not run with needles.
In a cruel twist of fate, Carson had actually been behind this rule. When one of the Botanists became infected with a bizarre and somewhat dangerous version of Rabies and flipped out, he'd been running down the corridor with a sedative loaded syringe. Unfortunately, he tripped... and ended up giving himself the dose, knocking himself out cold. Thankfully, Dr Morrison had another dose at the ready and the unfortunate Botanist was soon cured.
Carson, however, was still a bit of a laughing stock.
Rule 428: The 'Shape Shift Machine' is hereby confiscated.
Rodney and John had stumbled across an Ancient device that allowed the user to turn into an animal of their choice. Word soon spread and soon most of the expedition was queuing up to have a go. When people started acting out 'The Once and Future King', Carson hid in his room.
Rule 429: Catnip is not allowed on base.
A. The bigger the 'cat', the more spectacular the results.
Nobody knew where SGA-10 had gotten said catnip from, but they weren't really in any condition to tell anyone. After feeding a large dose to Angus, the small tiger had become positively kittenish, chasing his tails, shadows, and anything else that happened to move. Unfortunately, SGA-10 happened to move...
After being chased up and down the hallways for several hours, Sgt Harris got the bright idea to stun Angus so that they could escape.
Needless to say, Rodney was NOT happy when he found out what had happened - and John wasn't too far behind him. Carson wasn't sure what the boys had actually done, but SGA-10 were now in the Infirmary under heavy sedation until the screaming stopped.
Rule 430: Never stun Ronon.
A. He doesn't like it.
B. He'll find you.
C. We're not scraping up your remains when he does.
Some of the newbies thought it would be funny to stun the Satedan. When the ex runner came to, he went on the warpath, and the newbies fled in terror.
Nobody had found them yet.
Rule 431: Whipped cream is to be used for its intended purpose.
A. That does not include juvenile pranks.
SGA-4 had decided to retaliate after the silly string ban by using whipped cream for as many new and different purposes as humanly possible. When twelve people were admitted to Carson having fallen down the stairs, the Scotsman was mad. And when the number steadily rose after it came to light that SGA-4 had also used said whipped cream tins as Frisbees, he was half a heartbeat away from violence.
Rule 432: If you are going to play with Lego, DO NOT BUILD MOVING SPIDERS!
A. One word, children - REPLICATORS!
Some of the geeks had gotten their hands on some Lego sets that could be built into battery powered, moveable spiders. Unfortunately, their results looked scarily like Replicator bugs and the whole city freaked out. Carson was beside himself with fury when the geeks 'fessed up, and had them scrubbing the Infirmary floors with toothbrushes - for three months.
Rule 433: Do not hide Dr Zelenka's glasses.
Rodney had done this after an argument with his 2IC went too far. The Czech's response startled everyone on base and left Rodney with broken ribs and a dislocated knee.
Rule 434: If you eat the last of the blue Jello, make sure that the new supplies have come in.
A. Or that you have a very good escape plan...
When one of the Marines ate the last tub of blue Jello, Rodney and Ronon were less than thrilled to find that it would be three whole weeks before the next batch of supplies was due. Eventually, Carson had to sedate them both for the safety of everyone in the city.
Rule 435: Do not rename the Daedalus.
A. If you try and call it the Enterprise one more time, Hermiod will not be held accountable for his actions.
The geeks had done this... and were now all in the Infirmary with beaming bends. Carson was not impressed and Rodney was on the verge of killing them all.
He now had to cover all their duties until they got better.
Rule 436: Do not talk in made up languages.
A. It annoys people and makes Carson very busy.
The Russian contingent had gotten into a bitch fight with the Australians, and now both sides were trying to wind each other up by refusing to speak in anything but gibberish. After several fights broke out, Carson and his teams were inundated and John's men had to be called in.
Rule 437: Do not test out new inventions until you are sure that they won't backfire.
A. Or unless you're not in the city.
Rodney and Radek had decided to give their newly invented wormhole drive a go... and the results were messy to say the least. Thankfully, Carson managed to save Radek's arm and got Rodney's internal organs back in the right place.
Rule 438: Personnel are not allowed to make fun of Red.
A. He BITES, people!
The little blue badger had a very short temper, and apparently didn't like it when people teased him. Carson was soon flooded with patients, all of whom had bite marks and were suspiciously quiet about where they'd acquired them...
Rule 439: Do not tease Colonel Caldwell about his new hairstyle.
The commander of the Daedalus had been in the city on a visit and had been in the lab when John accidentally activated an untested Ancient device. After the smoke cleared and the fires were put out, everyone was amazed to see that Caldwell was now the proud owner of a set of long, blond curls. Carson wasn't having much luck at reversing the effect and was doing his best to keep the damage to a minimum - apparently, the Colonel was a bit touchy when it came to hair-related conversations...
"How are you feeling today, lads?"
Rodney and John groaned in unison and sank down further in their cots. During the 'Great Hair Incident of Atlantis', they'd been unlucky enough to have their comments on Caldwell's new hair-do overheard by the man in question... who had ordered Hermiod to give them 'the Daedalus Special'. After being repeatedly beamed to and from the city and the spaceship, they'd developed beaming bends and had required specialist medical care for almost a week.
Thankfully, the worst of the symptoms had passed, but they now felt like they'd been on the mother of all benders. Carson had assured them that the feeling would fade quickly, but as he'd been grinning at the time, the boys were dubious. "G'way, C'rs'n," Rodney moaned, burying his head under his pillow. "You're talkin' too loud an' my brain hurts."
"I'm with the genius, doc," John agreed, looking decidedly green around the edges. "You're very incon... inscons... unkind, y'know."
Carson gave him a bewildered look. "What the devil are you talking about, son?" he asked. The pilot cocooned himself in his bedding and buried his head under his blanket. "Y'shouldn't make the 'firm'ry spin round like tha'," he answered, his words both slurred and muffled. "'S downright rude."
The Scotsman bit back a chuckle and patted his friend on the leg, provoking a deep groan. "You'll feel better soon, Colonel," he replied, sneaking a glance over to Rodney's bed. The Canadian had curled up in a tight ball in the middle of the mattress and had pulled all of his bedding and pillows into a structure that vaguely resembled a fort. "Once this last bout of giddiness and nausea passes, you'll be right as rain."
The boys both made a feeble, negative sound. "Now, come on with the pair of you!" Beckett scolded mildly. "You're both grown men, not wee bairns." He sighed when there was no response, before a wicked thought popped into his head. "And besides," he continued, his voice dripping with honey, "it's almost lunchtime. I hear that the cooks have made mystery meatloaf..."
His laughter drowned out the sound of retching as he wandered back into his office to update his rulebook.
Rule 440: Dr Beckett is not allowed to call Dr Kavanaugh 'Pumpkin Positive'.
Carson had gotten so fed up with the whiny, pony-tailed man that when Kavanaugh appeared in the Infirmary with a paper cut and loudly demanded immediate treatment, Beckett made this 'diagnosis'. The Scotsman was convinced that if he was to shove his penlight in Kavanaugh's mouth, the Chemist's head (being almost totally devoid of a brain) would light up and gleam like a Halloween pumpkin.
Although Kavanaugh wasn't amused, everyone else thought it was hysterical and were now taking it in turns to leave carved Jack-o'-lanterns outside the Chemist's quarters.
Rule 441: The Psychiatry Department are not to be referred to as 'The Freud Squad'.
Rodney was up to his usual tricks.
Rule 442: Do not throw Jack-o'-Lanterns around.
Kavanaugh had taken revenge on Carson by throwing his now rather large collection of carved pumpkins around. After five people were effectively hospitalized, Carson quietly plotted his revenge.
Rule 443: Dr Beckett is not allowed to force-feed Dr Kavanaugh pumpkin soup.
A. Or Pumpkin pie.
B. Or any other meals containing pumpkin.
C. We think he's got the point, Carson.
The rest of the Medical Department were not amused with their boss when Kavanaugh reported to the Infirmary looking decidedly ill. And they were even less impressed with having to clean up all the bright orange vomit.
Rule 444: The Juggling Club are not allowed to juggle with any of the following:
A. P-90s.
B. Wraith stunners.
C. The Science Department's tools.
D. Grenades or Flash bangs.
E. Bill and Ben.
The worst out of this list was actually the last option - it turned out that although they were very playful alien raccoons, Bill and Ben did not like being thrown around in the air and manhandled by people other than their respective owners. And when SGA-4 and 5 found out what had been done to their mascots, they took revenge.
Carson now had a very full ward and was running out of bandages.
Rule 445: SGA-15 are not allowed to sing extracts from 'My Fair Lady' in the Infirmary.
SGA-15 decided to sing songs from 'My Fair Lady' while they were waiting for their booster shots, and everyone was incredibly scared at how good Captain Brightman was as Eliza.
SGA-15 was an all-male team.
Rule 446: The bedpans are not to be used as emergency flowerpots.
A. Stop whining, Parrish, I know it was you.
Dr Parrish had run out of flowerpots, so Lorne had snarkily suggested that he use a couple of Carson's bedpans. He then had to explain to Elizabeth and John the reason why his team was now on medical stand down while waiting for the Botanist to recover from a cracked cheek bone.
Beckett wasn't saying anything.
Rule 447: If you want to remain amongst the living, do not tamper with the air-venting systems.
Nobody would admit to this, and for good reason - when Carson caught the culprit they were going to end up on a slab. Someone had messed around with the environmental controls and now the air-conditioned air smelt of nothing but bad body odour, cheesy socks and garlic. Rodney and Radek had tried valiantly to fix it, but the smell had overcome them and they were now under the Scotsman's care until the nausea passed.
To prevent a riot, John suggested that they turned the air conditioning off and opened all the windows, which led to the next rule...
Rule 448: Be careful when playing next to open windows on the balconies.
A. It's a bloody long way down, children.
Sgt Domino had been jogging along the pier when he ended up being flattened by Corporal Bobson, who had fallen from one of the open windows a couple of floors above. Luckily, both men got away with relatively straight-forward broken bones, but Carson was furious. His temper wasn't helped when he discovered that Corporal Bobson had been playing Blind Man's bluff with SGA-6.
Rule 449: Drs Kavanaugh and Simpson are to be supervised at all times.
A. We told you about this already!
The stench pervading the city was starting to send even the more rational, well -behaved people a little bit nutty. Dr Simpson was a shining example of this - normally, the red-head was cool, calm and collected... unless she was in close proximity to Kavanaugh. When the Chemist walked into her lab demanding the use of her spanner set, she saw red. Now Kavanaugh was once again under Carson's care and the Scotsman was ready to throttle the man.
Rule 450: Do not insult Colonel Sheppard in front of Dr McKay and vice versa.
A. They're the only people who are allowed to tease each other.
B. It gets messy otherwise.
It was a well known fact that John and Rodney had a somewhat... unusual relationship. They would drive each other nuts one minute and be plotting mayhem the next as if there'd been no fighting. Most of the personnel on base were secretly convinced that they were brothers who'd been separated at birth.
The newer recruits, however, had failed to learn one of the more important survival tips for life in the Pegasus Galaxy - you didn't make fun of John in front of Rodney or vice versa. Not unless you had a serious death wish and a pressing need to meet your maker.
One morning, Corporal Allen decided to take the piss out of Rodney, not realising that John was standing right behind him. Needless to say, the young man learnt his lesson very quickly and it was only an intervention from Elizabeth that prevented him from sustaining serious injuries. Unfortunately, some of his colleagues paid no attention...
Now Carson had three patients with severe bruising and muscle damage from an overly physical 'sparring' session with John, and four more who had a nasty skin rash, courtesy of a 'malfunction' with their showers. When Beckett confronted the boys, John feigned innocence while Rodney just smiled savagely...
Rule 451: Do not play dead.
SGA-13 had decided to play dead to avoid a weekly briefing. To be fair, they did really well at maintaining their act - it wasn't until Dr Biro started to sharpen her bone saws that they had a spontaneous (and miraculous) recovery. Carson was hopping mad - Biro had almost died of fright when they all jumped to their feet.
After all, she wasn't used to corpses being so spry.
Rule 452: Do not pretend to faint.
The newbies were in trouble again. After hearing John teasing Rodney about fainting, they started to 'faint' in front of the Canadian to wind him up. Unfortunately for them, John got wind of it and soon they all ended up passing out for real - the pilot booked them in for extended 'training' sessions with Ronon.
Rule 453: Do not play your national anthem at 5am.
A. Especially not if it's over the PA system.
B. I'll send Bella to hunt you down and kill you.
Carson was convinced that the entire expedition had been secretly replaced with pod people, whose sole point of existence was to drive him completely insane. The Americans and the Germans got into a fight over whose national anthem was better, and pretty soon the whole base was dragged into it. The American personnel had sided with the Canadians, English, Russians and Spanish, while the German contingent had the French, Irish, Swedish and pretty much everyone else on their team.
When things eventually came to a head with both sides playing their national anthems at various volumes over the PA in the early hours of the morning, Carson went apocalyptic... and proved that the Scottish national anthem was the best.
Rule 454: Do not play with matches.
A. You'll give SGA-12 ideas.
B. You KNOW how they get when there's fire around...
SGA-9, who really should have known better, had been playing with a box of matches. Somehow, said matched ended up in SGA-12's hands...
Luckily, there were no major injuries and the Command Staff managed to get the worst of the fires put out without too much structural damage. Unfortunately, SGA-12 now had to deal with not only a very angry Scotsman, but Rodney as well. The Canadian was feeling decidedly murderous after discovering what they'd done to his city.
Rule 455: Murder Mystery parties are banned until further notice.
Carson didn't want to know. He reasoned that some things were better left as unknown - like the reasons why twelve people were now in the Infirmary with injuries that looked suspiciously like the ones from Cluedo...
Rule 456: Do not have lemon juice drinking competitions.
The newbies plus lemon juice shots in the vicinity of Rodney equalled a very angry John and an equally pissed Carson. Now none of the guilty party could sit properly, and they were all limping to varying degrees.
Rule 457: 'Spin the Bottle' is only to be played when there is a sensible adult in the room.
A. Dr McKay and Colonel Sheppard do not count.
SGA-1, 3 and 7 had had a game of Spin the Bottle, which ended up with most of them in the Infirmary. From what Carson could gather, the worst of their combined injuries had happened when SGA-3 had dared Dr Parrish to kiss Teyla...
Rule 458: All Truth or Dare games are now suspended.
The Marines, who had been suspiciously quiet for a while, now had yet another recreational activity added to their ever growing banned sports/games list. According to his various sources, Carson had found out that they had dared each other to hop around the edge of the west pier, which had been coated in motor oil. Needless to say, he wasn't amused and the Marines were in deep trouble.
Rule 459: No more water balloon wars!
SGA-5 and 9 had a water balloon fight that escalated into a base-wide war. After the Medical Department's resources were stretched to their limits, Carson got out his shinty stick and went on the rampage.
Rule 460: Under no circumstances should personnel call Dr Zelenka 'Sparky, King of Electricity'.
A. He WILL hurt you.
There had been an accident in Lab One that ended up with Radek getting a hefty jolt from a supposedly dead circuit board. Upon examination, Carson found that the Czech hadn't been too badly injured - other than some mild burns. The problems came when some of the other personnel christened him Sparky and even made up a theme song for the newly crowned 'King of Electricity'.
The accident book had never had such a massive entry for one day before.
Rule 461: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to tamper with the IT equipment.
A. If I find the person responsible for programming my computer to bleat like a sheep every time I press a bloody key, I'll send you into a whole new world of hurt.
Rodney was bored, Carson wasn't impressed and John was trying to keep his geek in one piece.
Rule 462: Skipping is not allowed.
The female personnel dared the male members of the expedition to skip for a whole day rather than walking. After treating his seventeenth patient with a sprained ankle, Carson went and had quiet words with the ladies...
Rule 463: Do not tease Ronon or Teyla in front of Colonel Sheppard or Dr McKay.
A. It won't end well.
B. If you don't believe me, go and talk to Dr Potts.
C. I THINK he's talking again...
The newbies were going to wind up dead quicker by staying in the city than being eaten by the Wraith if they kept it up. Knowing that they couldn't torment John or Rodney, they had started to pick on Teyla and Ronon... with disastrous results. Dr Potts was so traumatised by what John and Rodney did to him that he lost the ability to speak. They boys were keeping mum, but their team-mates couldn't stop smiling...
Rule 464: I SAID DON'T FIDDLE WITH MY KEYBOARD!
Rodney was going to be in a lot of pain if Carson ever found out that he was responsible for making the Scotsman's laptop play the theme tune from 'The Twilight Zone' every time he opened a document.
Rule 465: Do not get drunk and sing '99 Bottles of Beer' at midnight.
The Marines and the Scientists had formed an unholy coalition, which resulted in them drinking most of Radek's supplies of Vodka and singing the ever popular song as loudly as they could. Unfortunately (since the Scientists were involved), their impromptu performance ended up being broadcast over the PA system as well as on all the radio channels.
The next morning, they were all confined to their quarters to prevent Carson from flipping out. Apparently, Scotsmen and sleep deprivation were not a good combination.
Rule 466: Do not call the Surgeons 'slashers'.
A. They're a sensitive bunch.
B. They all have very sharp objects.
This time it was John who been re-naming things - and had been chased down the hall by the offended surgeons, who had been carrying their bone saws at the time.
Rule 467: The terms 'blood suckers', 'leeches' and/or 'vampires' are not to be used when talking about the Phlebotomists.
Rodney and John's tricks had been taken up by the Marines, who thought it'd be funny. After having more blood tests than they thought was humanly possible, they quickly apologised.
Rule 468: Do not attempt to build replicas.
A. And yes, that includes Wall-E.
B. Okay, the ORIGINAL replica of Wall-E can stay - the rest have to go.
John and Rodney were going to end up banned from watching anything if they kept it up. After watching Wall-E, the feral-haired soldier decided that they should have their very own version and convinced Rodney to build one. The problems only started when all the other Scientists decided to go with the flow...
After a mutiny that resulted in several casualties, Elizabeth and Carson dished out some tough love. They originally ordered all of the Wall-E's to be dismantled, but when confronted by John and Rodney (complete with matching puppy dog eyes and pouts), they relented.
Rule 469: Paddleball is not allowed to be played in the Infirmary.
SGA-14 had found some paddleball racquets from somewhere and had a contest. It hadn't ended well, and now all of them were under Carson's care with a variety of amusing and intriguing injuries. The Scotsman shouted at them in Gaelic for a whopping six hours - but they were not to be put off. They simply bribed SGA-4 into sneaking their racquets into the Infirmary and carried on.
After some of the nurses complained, Carson promptly confiscated the whole lot and locked them in his office before threatening to feed the team to the zoo. Oddly enough, when they caught sight of Angus and Fred staring at them in a 'we bet you'd taste good' kind of way, they stopped complaining.
Rule 470: Do not feed the Dolphi-sharks.
The Marine Biologists had done this and were nearly eaten. Rodney was furious, Elizabeth was seriously considering asking for danger money and Carson had started rocking again, muttering under his breath about how and why it was always him who 'ended up with the stupid ones'.
Rule 471: No more cutlery wars!
It was amazing how everyday items could be turned into potentially lethal weapons. After several fork fights, a couple of duels with knives and even a case of a spork attack, Carson's ward was packed out and he was on the verge of taking said cutlery and ramming it down certain people's throats.
John and Rodney protested, claiming that SGA-3 had started it, thank you very much, and that for once, they were just innocent bystanders.
Then they went and hid in the Jumper Bay for three days until the Scotsman had calmed down.
Rule 472: Do not explore the ventilation system unless you have a good reason to be in there.
A. Boredom is NOT a good reason.
SGA-2 had gotten bored and figured that they should try and do something constructive. Usually, that meant that something was bound to explode or catch on fire, or that they'd all end up in either a lot of trouble or seriously injured... It was becoming frighteningly commonplace to them by now.
Nevertheless, Lt Stackhouse persuaded his team that checking out the miles of ventilation shafts would not only be a cool way to spend an afternoon, but would also earn them some much needed brownie points. After all, he reasoned, no one had really had time to properly map the system, and they still didn't know where half the shafts led to.
After wheedling, begging, bribing and eventually threatening the rest of his team, they agreed and set off...
Twelve hours later, Rodney, John, Carson and SGA-3 were still trying to get them out of section 11C. It turned out that some of the vents were smaller than they looked, and Corporal Jenkins had gotten himself stuck. When Stackhouse and Dr Singh tried to pull him out, all three of them ended up getting jammed in even tighter. Luckily, Sgt Estevez had the good sense to back up and go for help.
Eventually, after much hard work, several bouts of very bad language and a couple of small fights, their combined efforts paid off and the rest of SGA-2 were freed. Unfortunately, they now had to face their very angry rescuers, all of whom had been called into help on their one and only day off...
Rule 473: Zombie hunts are strictly forbidden.
A. The same goes for sniper wars too.
When the latest madness spread through the city, Carson seriously considered running away to the mainland and becoming a hermit. After some of the 'players' had gotten a little bit too keen, he'd been rushed off his feet trying to patch up some pretty nasty injuries. And when John had been carried in by Rodney, he'd nearly had a heart attack - both of them had been made up to look like incredibly convincing zombies.
Rule 474: Bouncy balls are not to be played with indoors.
Captain Laverne had acquired number a small, rubber balls from his last trip to Earth and now nearly everyone on base had one. It turned out that in this case, size really didn't matter - they caused an almighty amount of damage to equipment and people alike. Carson had been lost for words as the casualties started pouring in - and when he saw that a very sheepish looking Elizabeth was amongst them.
Rule 475: I SAID THAT ELASTIC BAND SLINGSHOTS WERE BANNED!
The Marines had gone into hiding, and the Scientists were trying to bribe the Command Staff into keeping Genghis in storage.
Rule 476: If you want a bubble bath, order a recognised brand from Earth.
A. DO NOT make your own versions.
The Scientists were now hiding with the Marines. When they'd run out of bubble bath, they'd decided to invent their own. While it worked, and smelt relatively pleasant, they'd been a bit too enthusiastic with some of their measurements, resulting in three quarters of the city being covered in bubbles. Carson had been swamped with injuries ranging from sprained ligaments from slips and trips, to skin allergies and even a case of near drowning.
Rule 477: Highlighters are to only be used for their intended function.
A. Doodling on the face of your sleeping CO is not what they were invented for.
B. Even if it was funny.
Lorne got bored in a meeting and drew on John's face while the Air Force man was catching a very crafty catnap. When he woke up and saw the resulting mess, he very calmly walked to the Armoury and signed out a bazooka. He then proceeded to chase Evan around the city.
Carson wasn't entirely convinced about John's motivational techniques.
Rule 478: Never mess around with other people's alarm clocks.
Radek and Rodney were having a bit of a rough patch - and the sneaky Czech decided to dish out a bit of 'correctional medicine' to his boss, courtesy of a rigged alarm clock. The Canadian now had a clock that went off on the hour, every hour, and blared out the theme tune from Fraggle Rock.
It wasn't the choice of music that Rodney objected to (he and John were actually closet fans of the puppet show), but rather the volume at which his alarm clock played said theme tune. When he reported to Carson with bleeding ears, unable to hear anything whatsoever, the Scotsman put an end to the bitch fight. After his little 'intervention', Radek couldn't look at a catheter without whimpering.
Rule 479: Tipex is not to be used as face paint.
Lorne really hadn't learnt his lesson, and found himself in the Infirmary after he'd drawn all over Cadman's face with the correctional fluid. Laura was now hiding under a paper bag and Carson was furious - hence why the Major was in the Infirmary. The Scotsman had sent Bella after him...
Rule 480: Do not call Hermiod 'Scotty'.
A. He'll beam you into space.
When they discovered that calling Carson 'Scotty' bought them a one way ticket to pain street, SGA-7 decided to try it out on the Daedalus' Asgard delegate. The thinking behind their 'brilliant' scheme was that since he was an alien, Hermiod would just dismiss it as strange Earthling behaviour.
Unbeknownst to them, Hermiod was actually scarily au fait with Earth pop culture and all its associated references, and didn't take the jibe too well. Thankfully, Novak managed to re-direct the now dematerialised SGA-7 back to Lantea rather than the depths of space... and they ended up in the middle of the ocean.
Carson now had them in the Infirmary, all suffering from hypothermia and some unpleasant side effects from the hijacked teleportation - and he couldn't stop laughing.
Rule 481: Dr McKay is not allowed to name Ancient devices without Colonel Sheppard's approval.
Rodney had decided to name an Ancient device that SGA-1 had found on a recent off-world mission. That would have been fine apart from the fact that John was claiming owner's rights on said device, seeing as how he was the one who found it in the first place. The Air Force man objected to his friend calling the small, oddly shaped gizmo the 'Bottle Opener Device', despite the Canadian's claims that it looked like one, ergo it was one.
When Rodney ended up in the Infirmary with some interesting bruises, Carson intervened. John had come by to apologise, stating that he'd gotten caught up in the heat of the moment, he hadn't meant to give Rodney a black eye, and, more importantly, that it wouldn't happen again.
McKay took some small consolation from the fact that Radek had discovered the actual purpose of the device - it was indeed an Ancient version of a bottle opener, much to John's annoyance.
Rule 482: STAY AWAY FROM DR ZELENKA'S VODKA!
A drunk (bordering on paralytic) Chuck had accidentally let a Wraith into the city after he failed to close the Gate shield. Luckily, no one was hurt, but Carson nearly burst an artery when he heard about the incident.
Rule 483: Dr McKay is not allowed to touch the DHD if he's been drinking.
A. The man is dangerous when he's drunk.
Rodney had gotten drunk after losing spectacularly at an illegal game of 'Spin the Bottle', and as a result had scrambled up the DHD. No one could figure out what he'd done (not even Radek) and to complicate matters even further, his fiddling had been sent through to every other Gate in Pegasus. As a result, everyone in the Galaxy ended up dialling the wrong planet, and several civil wars broke out on a variety of different planets - mainly over who'd angered which God and therefore damned the Ring of the Ancestors.
Rodney was now in the Infirmary with acute alcohol poisoning and Elizabeth was on the verge of killing him.
Rule 484: Magician's Club is not allowed to recruit for 'glamorous assistants'.
A. It's sexist.
B. The girls will give you a hiding if they find out.
After Juggling Club was eventually disbanded for becoming far too violent for a recreational group, the members reformed to create the newly founded 'Magician's Club'. It wasn't their tricks that were causing chaos (they'd wisely chosen to stick to cards for the time being), but the A4 adverts that suddenly appeared on walls up and down the city, asking for assistants.
When the female contingent saw said posters, they were not amused at the descriptions of what made the 'perfect glamorous assistant' and started a mob up. After several casualties were admitted to Carson, he put his foot down to stop the numbers from rising.
He also wanted his nurses to come back from their 'strike'.
Rule 485: If you think something's dead, do not move closer to it.
A. And don't poke it either.
B. Have none of you ever watched a horror movie before?
SGA-1 had started this trend, when Rodney bet Ronon three crates worth of blue Jello that the Wraith he had just 'killed' wasn't actually dead. Wanting to wipe the smug look off of the scientist's face, and spurred on by the thought of having all the Jello he could eat for a month, the ex runner casually strode up to his downed prey and nudged it with his foot.
After the heart-attack inducing five minutes that followed, Rodney had said 'I told you so' more times than anyone thought was humanly possible to a now very sheepish Ronon, and John had nearly gone grey. Teyla was not impressed and promised them all a sound thumping if they ever did something so stupid again.
Unfortunately, word of their 'adventure' had spread among the other off-world teams, and now it seemed that everyone was having a go. When Carson had had enough of treating panic attacks, hysteria and several more serious injuries, he rounded up all the SGA teams and screamed at them for five hours.
He then scheduled them in for surprise physicals and extra booster shots.
Rule 486: The photocopiers are to be used for official use only.
A. The term 'official' does not include making copies of intimate parts of your anatomy.
B. We know it was you, Elizabeth.
C. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Everyone was shocked to find out what the leader of the expedition did for kicks. Elizabeth, meanwhile, was hiding in her room, mainly to avoid Carson. She'd had to see the Scotsman when she'd felt a muscle twinge in her thigh, much to his amusement. Apparently, she wasn't as flexible as she was when she was in college...
Rule 487: All crew members are reminded that Lab One is out of bounds to everyone except authorised personnel.
A. If you ARE allowed to go in there, do not attempt to play drums on anything you see on Dr McKay's workbench.
B. Chances are, you'll blow us all up.
C. We don't WANT to be blown up.
D. It's messy.
E. And you'll upset Carson.
Dr Parrish had decided to practice his drum solo for his punk band when he was waiting for the test results on a new species of Peace Lily he'd discovered. Although it was a very impressive drum solo, he accidentally knocked over a stack of test tubes with a variety of brightly coloured liquids in them - which had promptly reacted violently with each other, caused a mild explosion and set the lab on fire.
Nobody was injured, much to Carson's relief, but Parrish was going to be butchered once Rodney got his hands on him. He just had to find the Botanist's hiding place first...
Rule 488: Never imitate anyone's accent.
When some of the crew members decided to imitate people's accents, Carson, Radek and Bella were all furious - and it turned out to be a dangerous combination. The combined forces of a Scotsman, a Czech and a feisty Italian were enough to make even the toughest soldier cower behind the nearest piece of furniture.
Rule 489: Pretending you've suddenly gone deaf is not a justifiable excuse for getting out of a meeting.
A. The same goes for 'spontaneous blindness'.
B. I wasn't born yesterday, you balmpots...
When several off-world teams pulled this stunt repeatedly over a three day period, Carson had had enough. He asked them all to report to the Infirmary where he promptly set Bella on them. Strangely enough, their 'medical problems' all disappeared within minutes...
Rule 490: If you wish to remain in a single, human-shaped piece, do not pronounce Dr Zelenka's name wrong every time you talk to them.
The newbies were in a lot of trouble. Radek was getting angry, Rodney was on the warpath, and Carson was sick of having to put the new members back together again.
Rule 491: STOP SINGING 'THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS'!
A. I'll hunt you down and kill you slowly if you don't bloody well pack it in!
John had started this one. He'd sung the song in an attempt to wind Rodney up - and failed miserably. The Canadian started singing in harmony with him and now the entire base was at it. Carson was on the verge of pulling his hair out - apparently, he wasn't a 'Lamb-chops' fan...
Rule 492: The Magician's Club is not allowed to perform dangerous acts.
A. Even if they've seen it done on TV a hundred times.
B. If I hear one more person mention David bloody Copperfield...
The Magician's Club had decided to up the stakes with their tricks, and had persuaded the Science Department to build them a fully functioning set of the more dangerous stage props. After Dr Felix was almost sawed in half when one of their contraptions backfired, Carson went berserk and the Command Staff had to call in Milo and Angus to break up the ensuing carnage.
Rule 493: SGA-2 are not allowed to attack Wraith ships without back-up.
A. It's far too dangerous, even WITH Milo.
B. And what have we told you about giving the other teams ideas?
When Sgt Estevez and Dr Singh were captured in a sudden culling during an off-world mission, their team-mates had neither the time nor the patience to wait for reinforcements from Atlantis. Fearing that the Wraith Cruiser would enter hyperspace with their friends onboard, Stackhouse and Jenkins returned to the Jumper and took off after the retreating Darts.
Sneaking into the Dart hanger was easy, but this time, they didn't have anything that even vaguely resembled a bomb on board their ship. However, they did have Milo, and the robo-dog in Wraith Hunting Mode proved to be far more destructive than any homemade explosive...
When three Jumpers loaded with SGA-1, 3 and a sizeable number of Marines eventually caught up with the drifting Cruiser, they found four very smug Atlanteans releasing the other prisoners from cocoons and one very happy robo-dog guarding a large pile of butchered Wraith.
An astonished Carson still couldn't get over the fact that this time, no one was hurt, burnt or even mildly beaten up.
Rule 494: Hoarding popcorn is STILL forbidden.
While waiting for the results of the analysis on his new rock samples, Dr. Singh accidentally found the Chemistry Department's secret stash of popcorn. Normally, he wouldn't even think about it twice, but this time, Dr. Kavanaugh really got under the normally mild mannered Geologist's skin. The long haired git had been persistently delaying the results for two whole days, under the pretext of being 'understaffed'.
Deciding that such disregard for his work needed to be punished, the Dr Singh promptly planned his vengeance. Using Zelenka's workshop and spare parts, he and the rest of SGA-2 constructed a portable microwave generator...
The next day, they carefully placed their newest invention in the room directly above the Chemist's storage closet and using the narrow beam, nuked the entire crate of corn at once. When Carson arrived at the place of 'explosion', he couldn't stop laughing at the sight in front of him - there were several incredibly disoriented scientists, who were literally swimming in the white fluff that was overflowing the laboratory and spilling into corridors.
His amusement soon stopped though, as the rest of the Expedition happily took advantage of situation and he was swamped in another wave of indigestion cases.
Rule 495: Citrus scented air fresheners are hereby forbidden on Atlantis.
A. Dr McKay really IS deathly allergic to Citrus and we need him in good shape.
B. Don't forget - he's best friends with Colonel Sheppard and Dr Beckett.
C. Angus, Fred and Milo are very fond of him too.
D. Do you REALLY want to piss all of them off?
Some of Rodney's minions tried to keep their acerbic boss away from their workspaces by using lemon-scented air-fresheners and deodorants. It worked rather well until, after being assaulted from all directions by the hateful smell, Rodney experienced a sensory overload, mixed with an outbreak of hives and a severe panic attack. By the time John and Carson got to him, the Canadian was catatonic...
While he was recuperating in the Infirmary, John and Carson rounded up those responsible and locked them in the conference room. They then proceeded to scare the living daylights out of them. After that, Rodney's subordinates were all convinced that Atlantis' Chief Science Officer really was lesser of two evils...
Rule 496: The Military leader of Atlantis has a name that contains two P's.
A. Colonel SHEPPARD has better hair than the game character anyway.
B. And if you wish to remain amongst the living, NEVER call Jumper One 'Normandy'.
The "Mass Effect" craze had finally reached Atlantis.
From John's point of view, it seemed as though every geek and grunt on Atlantis had finished this game at least once. It was becoming common place for random crew members to poke fun at him using game-related jokes and references. And all of this was just because he and game's main character had a similar name and occupation.
Normally it wouldn't be a problem - having McKay on his team had forced the wild-haired Air Force man to build up a natural immunity to mockery. But when he caught SGA-3 painting 'NORMANDY' in big letters on the side of his favourite Jumper, things got ugly very quickly.
Only the presence of the Daedalus (and Hermiod's quick reflexes) saved Major Lorne and his team from serious harm.
Rule 497: Please, for the sake of my sanity and your health, do not give Colonel Caldwell any more pink bows.
A. I don't care if they make him look cute, just stop it.
B. Pretty please?
Caldwell's hair was the cause of much amusement in Atlantis. Unfortunately, the commander of the Daedalus didn't see it that way and everyone soon remembered that he had a frightening temper. Carson posted this rule in an attempt to bring the numbers in his ward back down to a more manageable level.
Rule 498: 'The Smurfs' is not allowed to be viewed in the Infirmary.
Everyone suddenly had a fascination with the children's TV show, much to Carson's dismay. When a Smurf marathon in the Infirmary ended up in a massive fight over why Papa Smurf was the only male to have facial hair, Carson went beyond incensed and the cleaning crews had a LOT of work to do...
Rule 499: Colonel Sheppard is not to be referred to as 'Captain Kirk'.
A. He is not William Shatner.
B. I know Rodney does it all the time, but that doesn't mean YOU can.
John was getting pissed off - and in revenge had sentenced all the offenders to mandatory boot camp with Ronon. Carson broke down and cried when he saw the state of them after two days being taught 'survival skills' by the Satedan.
Rule 500: The Scientists are not to be forced into wearing cowbells whilst on off-world missions.
A. Yes, I understand that they get lost a lot, but cowbells are noisy.
Some of the off-world teams had tried this when they repeatedly lost their respective geeks. It worked rather well - too well in fact. After three teams were nearly massacred to cannibals, and a further two narrowly escaped being eaten by the Wraith, Carson put his foot down.
To top it all off, Rodney wasn't happy over the treatment of his geeks. So much so, in fact, that Beckett didn't even want to know what his friend had done to SGA-3 after Dr Parrish wound up in the Infirmary after the team's latest off-world trip...
Rule 501: Colonel Sheppard's hair is real, not a toupee.
One of the Marines had foolishly started a rumour that John's hair was fake, prompting the now furious Air Force man (aided and abetted by an equally angry Rodney) to dish out some revenge. Carson started to bang his head against the wall when twelve people were carried into the Infirmary.
Rule 502: And while I'm on the subject, he's NOT James Bond.
A. Just like Dr McKay isn't Q.
B. Just so you all know, the next person to refer to Dr Weir as M will get throttled.
C. Because that would make Chuck Miss Moneypenny.
D. Don't go there.
Some people never learned. While John and Rodney liked their new nicknames, Elizabeth and Chuck were less impressed - and Carson had some brand new patients to heal.
Rule 503: SGA-1 are not to be referred to as 'The Smurf Squad'.
A. Yes, I KNOW they've all got blue hair.
B. You're annoying them - and I've already warned you about that.
The 'Smurf Craze' had hit ridiculous levels in the city. When SGA-4 called SGA-1 Smurfs, Atlantis' flagship team hadn't been too amused. And when all the other off-world teams got in on it, the situation became violent. Once again, Milo and Angus were called in to break up the rioting, this time helped by a very eager Fred. Carson made his view point very clear when patching up the injured parties, and everyone listened very carefully.
Mind you, he had been holding one of his bigger needles at the time, and smiling...
Rule 504: All personnel are reminded to keep their rooms tidy to avoid outbreaks of dust bunnies.
A. Some people have allergies, you know...
Some of the expedition members were real slobs. A watery-eyed Carson had glowered and shouted hoarsely at everyone at fault before he'd locked himself in his office to have a sneezing fit.
Rule 505: All SGA teams are reminded that pets are not allowed.
A. SGA-9, you are not keeping that insect.
B. I mean it!
C. I don't care if you've already named it, it's NOT staying and you are NOT going to fetch it back off of its native planet.
D. Colonel Sheppard doesn't like bugs, remember?
SGA-9 had brought back a kitten sized stick insect from P5X-142, which they claimed was a vegetarian called Albert. They were wrong. Thankfully, nobody got hurt when 'Albert' decided it was hungry because Fred and Angus had chased it back through the Gate. SGA-9 had sulked and pouted for a week when Elizabeth banned them from going back to get it.
After all, John was still in shock and Carson kept finding bits of insect scattered around his quarters courtesy of his alien wolf.
Rule 506: All Scientists are hereby banned from drinking alcohol for a month.
The geeks weren't in very good books with the Command Staff. After consuming far too much alcohol and feeling rather mischievous, they had decided to play with the self destruct sequence. The aim of their 'game' was to see who could turn it off the quickest in their somewhat inebriated state...
After Elizabeth, John and Rodney were all admitted to Carson suffering from stress related symptoms, the Scotsman put the entire Science Department through rehab with Heightmeyer and locked up every single drop of alcohol on base.
Rule 507: Do not steal equipment from the Science Department.
A. While it is acknowledged that retort stands make excellent swords, I suggest you refrain from thievery.
The Marines had found a novel use for some of the Science Department's equipment, Carson found a novel use for his set of catheters, and the Command Staff found the entire incident hilarious.
Rule 508: The Science Department are not allowed to test new inventions on personnel.
A. Even if they DID steal your bloody gizmos!
The geeks were not amused to discover that the Marines had broken all the retort stands in their mock Pirate battle and decided to test out their newly built 'Shrink Ray'. The good news was that the device didn't blow the city up. The bad news was that instead of shrinking the Marines, they shrunk John and Rodney... sort of.
In fact, they'd reduced them to five year olds. Unluckily for the geeks, although the boys were five year olds, they both still had their adult minds...
Carson was amazed at how violent they both were as children, especially when he saw the state of the Scientists.
Rule 509: Do not trust ridiculously pretty aliens.
A. They're up to no good - either that, or you'll end up catching something unpleasant.
B. Please note that I am not including Teyla and Ronon in this category.
C. It's not that they're not attractive or anything, just...
D. They can hurt you without even breaking into a sweat.
SGA-5 had been taking lessons from John again. When they came back to Atlantis with a very pretty young woman from M9X-576, Elizabeth was not amused. She was even less amused when it was discovered that the woman was actually a Genii spy... After the crisis was narrowly averted, the expedition leader had to be sedated by Carson before she did something she'd regret.
The Scotsman was thankful that John was still child-sized, as he was convinced that they'd all be Genii slaves by now if he'd been his usual self.
Rule 510: Do not tease Colonel Sheppard or Dr McKay.
A. They can't help the fact that they're stuck with the bodies of children.
B. And yes, I KNOW they're both adorable, but remember what happened to the Science Department?
John and Rodney were gleefully causing chaos now they were pint sized. Even better was the fact that they could get away with it too - all they had to do was start making their bottom lips tremble and no one could resist. Unfortunately, SGA-3 were having a little bit too much fun at their expense...
Carson quickly put this rule up when the entire team were admitted to the Infirmary with some very unusual injuries in their lower legs, and sent prayers up to a whole bunch of deities that Radek would be able to reverse their condition - as soon as possible.
Rule 511: If you are feeling ill, get your arse down to the Infirmary.
Ronon had been to blame for this one when he dismissed Apendicitis as the after effects of a bad batch of Vodka - and Bella got so angry with him that the rest of the expedition (Carson included) went into hiding.
Rule 512: Stair surfing is banned.
The Marines were even more idiotic than the Scientists at times. They were now avoiding the Infirmary like the plague, which Carson didn't mind. It meant that he didn't have to patch them up anymore.
Rule 513: The Military Contingent are not to be referred to as 'walking, talking Action Men'.
A. They don't like it.
Sometimes, Carson feared for the lives of the civilian members of the expedition. Luckily, Elizabeth had nipped it all in the bud before there were any injuries.
Rule 514: For the hundredth time, Jumpers are not toys!
John and Rodney were proving that they were very dangerous as children. Rodney had managed to modify the seats in Jumper One so that John could fly it, and they had then proceeded to fly around the city. When Carson got a hold of them later, they were both in a LOT of trouble... and even though they looked five years old, that didn't stop the Scotsman from using his larger needles.
Rule 515: Do not hoard the coffee.
A. Seriously, no.
B. It's not worth it.
The Marines hid the Scientists coffee supplies. Carson had had more patients to deal with than ever after the war that broke out. Everyone else was surprised to find out that it was the geeks who had gotten their hands on the weapons first, and made a mental note to never come between geniuses and their coffee ever again.
Rule 516: The PA system is not to be abused.
The Scientists went from one extreme to the other.
Atlantis had to endure seventeen hours of a theoretical debate about the scientific inaccuracies in all six of the Star Wars films before the Marines finally managed to break into the Gate Room. The Command Staff didn't even bother to try and break up the ensuing fighting, and Carson never complained once about all the casualties he had to fix.
Rule 517: Do not use kinetic energy to power a Stargate.
SGA-9 had done this when they discovered that the Gate on M9S-777 didn't have a power source. Dr Gravel, their resident physicist, had come up with an ingenious solution however - he theorised that by throwing rocks at the Gate, they could power it manually. Apparently, according to the blond Dutchman, the Gate would be able to draw power from the harmonic reverberation that was caused when the rocks hit it.
While his solution worked, SGA-9 ended up being admitted to the Infirmary when they'd gotten a little bit too excitable with the throwing of said rocks.
Carson fixed them up then threatened to throw them off the pier if they ever did something so stupid again.
Rule 518: Contrary to popular belief, Atlantis is actually sentient.
A. With that little nugget of information in mind, would all personnel please stop pissing the city off?
Atlantis wasn't happy, John was annoyed that everyone kept blaming him for the mood swings, and Carson was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He'd never had to treat injuries caused by a sentient city before.
Rule 519: Dr Zelenka is not allowed to gloat.
A. I know you fixed Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay, but seriously.
B. Enough is enough!
Radek had finally managed to reverse the effects of the 'Shrink Ray' and now John and Rodney were back to normal. When he started gloating about how he'd been able to fix what Rodney couldn't, the Canadian got very angry, claiming that his hands had been too small to hold the tools properly. Radek retaliated and pretty soon, both men had gained several followers and nearly started yet another base war.
Carson eventually broke it up and made both of them have sessions with Heightmeyer to talk through their 'issues'...
Rule 520: Despite the current rumours, Medicine IS a proper science.
A. You'd better start running, Rodney...
Carson had finally had enough of all Rodney's insults and proceeded to chase the physicist around the city with his beloved shinty stick.
Rule 521: Do not start fights over the chocolate brownies.
The Marines had taken the last of the chocolate brownies. The Scientists protested. War reigned until the Medics ganged up with the Command Staff and their assorted pets. The culprits soon found themselves being treated by some very angry people, who were ready to kill them for ruining their first day off in months.
Rule 522: Tesla coil arches are not to be used to freak people out.
A. I'm looking at YOU, Science Department...
The Scientists had scared the hell out of Major Lorne by locking him in a cage and turning on their Tesla Coil machine. Although Evan wasn't injured (the cage had been designed to keep the occupant safe from any harm), he was seriously freaked out.
And when Carson saw the state of him, the Scientists were just as scared...
Rule 523: Do not take Dr McKay's keyboard, pop off all the keys then switch them around to mess with his head.
A. It won't end well.
B. Especially if he catches you.
Dr Simpson had been bored, and since Rodney had recently pissed her off, she proceeded to do this to his keyboard... thirty two times. McKay was baffled by the ever-changing keyboard to begin with yet persevered, but it soon got the better of him. Carson hadn't been impressed when the physicist had a mild nervous breakdown and ended up in the Infirmary claiming that his laptop was trying to send him to the funny farm.
Rule 524: Ceiling fans are not to be messed around with.
A. And just where the hell did you get all that glitter?
The Marines plus glitter plus moving objects equalled a very angry Scotsman with a whopping headache.
Rule 525: No more exploding envelope pranks!
The basic idea behind the prank was that you rigged a plain envelope with party poppers so that when your intended victim opened it, the contents shot out everywhere. Quite who had taught Ronon how to make the exploding envelopes was still a mystery, but the Command Staff quickly banned it when Carson nearly had a stroke.
After all, he was the one who'd been the victim...
Rule 526: Do not drop things off of the balconies.
A. Even if you have rigged them with automatic parachutes.
Beckett was beginning to seriously worry for the sanity of the Atlantis expedition. He was also getting fed up of treating people for concussions caused by falling objects.
Rule 527: Beakers are not to be used as drinking cups.
A. You don't know what's been in them before.
SGA-12 had done this. They ended up reverting back to their dragon forms after the beakers they'd chosen as impromptu mugs turned out to have traces of an experimental DNA shifter in them. Luckily, the effects didn't last long and they were soon human again, but Carson had a ward full of people with second degree burns and Rodney still hadn't managed to put out all the fires.
Rule 528: Magician's club is hereby banned.
The Magician's Club had branched out into high wire acts - with disastrous consequences. Carson banned the group after he saw the state of Lt Brannigan.
Rule 529: Please be careful when playing with spare parts.
John had been bored and decided to try a bit of DIY engineering. Using some metal tubing, tarp and a substantial amount of duct tape, he had eventually succeeded in making an impressive looking hang glider. Unfortunately, he'd not asked for the Scientists' permission to use the duct tape in the first place, nor had he asked Rodney to help him, which prompted the next rule...
Rule 530: Dr McKay is not allowed to sabotage Colonel Sheppard's home-made hang-glider.
A. Play nicely, you two, or I'll make you wish you'd never been born!
Rodney wasn't amused to have been kept in the dark, so he got his own back by sabotaging John's glider. Luckily, the pilot wasn't injured when one of the wings crumpled, but Carson was beyond mad with the pair of them.
After being forced to clean the Infirmary stores three times with nail brushes, the boys put aside their grudge match and started to work on their revenge plan instead...
Rule 531: The crew of the Daedalus are not permitted to imbibe any of Dr Zelenka's secret stash.
Major Marks had attempted to pilot the Daedalus after a particularly heavy drinking session the night before. Unfortunately, he hadn't known that Radek's hooch took forty eight hours to completely leave the blood stream and ended up nearly crashing the huge ship into the control tower of Atlantis.
Carson had a LOT of new patients, but on the bright side, he got to test out his new stomach pump on Major Marks...
Rule 532: DO NOT BEFRIEND THE WRAITH!
For reasons that everyone was sure weren't exactly healthy, Chuck had decided to make friends with a Wraith Drone, whom he christened Jim. John and his merry band of Marines had swiftly killed said Wraith, while Chuck was admitted to the Infirmary until Carson could work out what was wrong with him.
Everyone else was shocked - normally, save for when he was playing Pirates Vs Hockey Players, the Canadian technician was relatively normal.
Rule 533: For the love of everything holy, DO NOT mess around with the Jumpers.
A. I've already warned you about this.
B. And no, I'm not going to hide you when Colonel Sheppard goes postal.
A couple of Jumper technicians had been bored on their shift, and had decided to do a little bit of 'upgrading' to Jumper One. When John and Rodney entered the craft, an ear-splitting alarm sounded, followed by a message on the HUD that announced 'Self-Destruct Sequence Initiated'... Thankfully, Rodney managed to over-ride it and quickly removed the upgrade. He then proceeded to point John in the direction of the technicians and watched the sparks fly.
Carson came down to join him, and even brought some popcorn.
Rule 534: Do not replace Dr Zelenka's vodka with ammonia.
A. Even if it tastes exactly the same.
John and Rodney decided that since the Czech's hooch tasted like paint-stripper, it would be interesting to replace it with something similar and see if anyone could spot the difference. Carson was less than pleased when twenty eight people were admitted to the Infirmary, and Radek wasn't a bundle of joy either when he found out.
Now the boys were hiding from them both.
Rule 535: The Chemistry Department are not allowed to drug the Command Staff.
A. Colonel Sheppard is going to kill you when he wakes up...
It turned out that Chuck had been the test subject for one of Kavanaugh's most evil pranks to date. After John was dragged into the Infirmary by his very worried team-mates, loudly declaring his unending love for one of the Wraith Queens, Carson quickly put two and two together and came up with a long-haired git.
He discovered that Kavanaugh had created a drug that made people become infatuated with the Wraith. After putting John and Chuck through an intense detox routine, they were soon back to their normal selves - and Kavanaugh was about to learn a lesson he'd never forget...
Rule 536: Do not create Puddle Jumper fleets that can be controlled using the weapons chair.
In retaliation for the 'Wraith Love Potion' that he'd been unwillingly subjected to, John got Rodney to create a small fleet of Jumpers that could be controlled by the weapons chair. After a couple of weeks, the task was accomplished... and John proceeded to fly them around outside Kavanaugh's quarters before making them crash spectacularly into the balcony outside the Chemist's room.
While the boys celebrated, Carson handed the gibbering wreck of a man over to Bella.
Rule 537: The Command Staff would like to remind all personnel that the extreme cold weather breathing apparatus are to be used for their original and intended functions.
A. Playing Darth Vader does not rank among those.
The breathing masks that the off-world teams used when in conditions similar to that of the Arctic turned out to have a novel use. After an entire week of endless 'Luke, I am your father' quotes, Carson had had enough and left Bella in charge while he took some R and R on the mainland.
When he got back, he found that there hadn't been a single patient admitted to the Infirmary.
Rule 538: Dr Kavanaugh is not to be used in place of gym equipment.
Although John and Rodney had gotten revenge on the pony-tailed Chemist, Ronon and Teyla wanted in on the action. So they promptly ordered Kavanaugh down to the gym for a 'hand-to-hand combat' session... and used him as a punch-bag for nearly an hour.
Although Carson agreed that the man deserved it, he now had to admit him to his
Infirmary again.
Rule 539: Do not upset Dr Heightmeyer.
A. She's the only one who can keep the Command Staff sane.
Some of the Marines had made Kate break down in tears, and Carson was furious. After all, someone had to keep the rest of the Command Staff on the straight and narrow...
Rule 540: Do not dye Angus' fur.
A. Dr McKay will hurt you.
B. As will Colonel Sheppard.
C. And I'll stand and watch them.
D. I might even sell tickets...
Angus, SGA-1's pet, was a miniature white tiger, whose fur was somewhat thicker than the Earth variety. It was also longer, verging on shaggy, but Rodney had refused to cut it - the last time John had tried, the animal leapt into Rodney's arms and started wailing so loudly that it could be heard over most of the city. So when SGA-5 decided to make the physicist's pet a bit more colourful, all hell broke loose.
Rodney found Angus sat on the floor in the middle of Lab One, looking shell-shocked and sporting a fur coat that now resembled a rainbow. John rushed in when he heard his friend's pain-filled screams, thinking that the physicist had had an accident, only to find McKay pacing up and down. And then John saw Angus...
Needless to say, SGA-5 soon found themselves on the receiving end of the boys' wrath, who had once again teamed up with Milo. Although SGA-2's pet was mechanical, the robo-dog was incredibly fond of Angus because the tiger was friends with John and Rodney. And of course, both the boys had the ATA gene, which meant Milo was ALWAYS on their side...
When the team were admitted to Carson two hours later, they wouldn't (or couldn't) speak. And whenever anyone mentioned hair dye around them, they went pale...
Rule 541: Flying skateboards are forbidden in Atlantis.
A. The same goes for surfboards.
B. Don't make us confiscate all your stuff, John.
After a 'Back to the Future' marathon, John somehow managed to talk Rodney into upgrading his skateboard with parts from a Puddle Jumper's drive and inertial damper. From his wild whooping and laughter, the flying board was a dream come true for the wild-haired pilot - until he took wrong turn, that was. He crashed through the Gate Room window, bounced off the top of the Stargate and landed in a bloodied and bruised heap on the stairs.
After the Colonel regained consciousness, Carson and Elizabeth couldn't bring themselves to yell at him - he was already miserable enough as it was, mourning for his now completely totalled toy. The pair settled on tongue-lashing Rodney instead, much to the Canadian's bewilderment.
Rule 542: Under no circumstances should personnel attempt to repaint the city's insides.
A. Atlantis doesn't like it.
B. You won't like her reaction.
C. And neither do we.
A group of young scientists had decided that corridors near their quarters could use some colour. Using a variety of different spray paints, they started to cover the walls and ceilings in very bright graffiti. Their artistic activity lasted for just two days - until Atlantis' internal sensors reacted to the increased presence of foreign chemicals.
A lockdown trapped the wannabe painters without a way to escape, and then the decontamination procedure started. When the rescue teams finally hauled the very shocked and scared 'artists' to the Infirmary, Carson was torn between tearing his hair out and laughing wildly.
All of them - clothes, hair and skin included - had been bleached snow-white. The 'Albino Squad' instantly became the laughing stock of the expedition... and all the cans of spray paint mysteriously vanished.
Rule 543: DRONES ARE NOT TOYS, PEOPLE!
A. They happen to be extremely volatile weapons.
B. And we don't have an infinite supply of them.
Carson decided that some members of the expedition behaved like they were possessed by some kind of evil entity that hated him personally.
While exploring outskirts of the city, SGA-3 found two headbands that turned out to be remote control systems for the drones. Lorne, being himself, couldn't pass up the opportunity to try them first. Since none of his team mates could pose a real challenge for him, the Major recruited Lt Stackhouse into racing the drones around Atlantis.
Of course, the simple race soon proved to be far too easy for the two pilots - and in mere minutes, two of the Ancient weapons caused citywide chaos and panic as they began streaking between buildings and phasing through walls in a simulated dogfight.
Luckily, Sheppard was near Control Chair room, and the combination of both his own pilot's skills and his ATA gene allowed him to stop both missiles before they did any real damage. No one knew the exact details about what happened when the enraged Colonel caught up with his irresponsible officers, but for the next month, Dr. Beckett had two very quiet and obedient helpers in Infirmary.
Rule 544: Ronon is banned from taking part in the Mixed Martial Arts Competition.
It turned out that the Satedan was scarily good at the extreme fighting - too good in fact. After nine people ended up under Carson's care during the initials heats alone, the Scotsman took the ex runner to aside and very quietly informed him that he was not allowed to compete any further. Amazingly, Ronon just shrugged and accepted Beckett's decision, which surprised everyone on base.
They'd all forgotten two important things - Carson, although considerably smaller than Ronon, could be extremely persuasive at times. He was one of the only people who could get the big man to do as he was told.
And the second thing?
Bella, of course.
Rule 545: Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are no longer allowed to sell their hand-made gliders to any other personnel.
John and Rodney's revenge on Carson finally took shape when the boys went into business together, selling their home-made gliders to the rest of the expedition. As it turned out, John's original outing had sparked a city-wide interest in the device, and they soon had a mass of customers.
And when said customers all ended up in the Infirmary, Carson broke down in tears. The boys were called in to see a very angry Elizabeth, who proceeded to yell at them for three hours and then assigned them to waste disposal for a month.
Rule 546: There is no Rule 546...
Carson went quietly into hiding as the rest of the expedition read this one...
Rule 547: Please would all personnel remember that Red does not like peanut butter.
Red, SGA-3's blue badger, was almost as popular with the rest of the expedition as Fred and Angus were. As a result, everyone would give the amiable little creature snacks and treats. That was fine with both Red and SGA-3, until one of the Chemists gave the badger a peanut butter cookie.
It took the Command Staff an hour and a half to calm Red down, and then they had to extract the unfortunate Chemist so that Carson could patch him up. As it turned out, the blue badger had had an allergic reaction to the peanuts, making him the first alien animal to require the use of antihistamines.
Rule 548: Never touch Dr Beckett's shinty stick without permission.
When Chuck had broken his hockey stick, he borrowed (or rather, took without asking) Carson's shinty stick. When the Scotsman discovered it was missing, he became practically sociopathic until a very frightened Chuck returned it.
Everyone made a mental note to never, EVER touch the stick again, especially when they saw Carson stroking it and muttering 'precious... my precious...' under his breath.
Rule 549: I told you not to mock other people's accents!
A. That includes poking fun at the crew members from Texas.
B. You're also not allowed to poke fun at them just because they come from Texas.
The newbies had found their latest victims - the Texan members of the expedition. After a number of jokes about Texas, and a whole host of bad imitations of certain crew members, the Texans had had enough. They took their revenge - and Carson banged his head against the wall when he saw the state of the newbies.
The only reason that Fred wasn't now chasing the Texans around the city was that the Scotsman was secretly on their side - he'd been made fun of one too many times himself.
Rule 550: No yo-yo's on Atlantis.
A. No.
B. I mean it!
The Marines were going to find themselves shipped back to Earth in body bags if they kept it up. After the supposedly harmless children's toy was turned into a semi-lethal weapon, Carson got so angry that he had to lock himself in his quarters to avoid reverting to physical harm.
The Marines, meanwhile, were all in hiding - John had heard about their latest 'game' and wasn't too impressed with them. Once again, they'd neglected to ask the pilot if he wanted to join in.
Rule 551: Beach parties are perfectly fine as long as someone stays sober.
SGA-7 and 8 had decided to have a beach party on the mainland when they were placed on mandatory leave. To begin with, their idea was a fine one - until they all got more than a little bit tipsy on Radek's 'special' brew and decided to go swimming. After being rescued by Atlantis and being subjected to all manner of painful medical procedures, they vowed never to do it again.
Well, at least not until they'd gotten over their hangovers.
Rule 552: Party hats are not to be used as impromptu slingshots.
A. I don't CARE if they work really well.
B. You'll have someone's eye out.
SGA-14 had found a crate of party hats - the pointed ones with the elastic strap that fitted under a person's chin. And then they found a novel use for said party hats... as slingshots/handheld catapults. When they ended up nearly blinding Chuck after their 'battle' spilled into the control room, Carson's wrath reached a whole new level. He promptly confiscated all the hats and then went to talk to SGA-2 about borrowing Milo...
Rule 553: Any and all 'Sexiest Man on Atlantis' contests are hereby banned until further notice.
A. Even if Dr Weir says it's okay.
The girls had decided that there should be a 'Sexiest Man on Atlantis' contest. After several heats in which they made the guys do all manner of embarrassing tasks, the five finalists were announced. John, Ronon and Lorne were unsurprisingly the top three, but Rodney and Carson had been put through as well. (Apparently, quite a few ladies seemed to prefer the brainy types...)
The problems only started when Carson was crowned the winner, with Rodney a close second. Lorne got into a fight with the Scotsman, while John and Rodney began bickering amongst themselves. Ronon, on the other hand, found it all rather amusing and decided he should have sold tickets. Needless to say, when it was eventually broken up, all of them were admitted to the Infirmary, where Dr Cole let Bella sort them out.
Rule 554: Do not mention eating whales around Dr McKay or Colonel Sheppard.
A. Especially if you're thinking about eating Sam.
B. It's upsetting Rodney.
Rodney didn't like it when people joked about this and neither did John - after all, no one was allowed to mess with his geek and get away with it. When the Air Force man started ordering his Marines to dish out some 'justice', Elizabeth was furious and Carson was swamped with patients.
Rule 556: Teyla is not allowed to get drunk by order of Dr Weir.
A. Please, woman, you're going to give Carson a stroke!
After the Athosian had gotten so drunk that she inadvertently started a civil war between the Medics and the Botanists, Carson was so stressed out that he sedated himself for an entire week.
Rule 557: Smoky is not allowed anywhere near the Infirmary.
A. If I see that wretched alien monkey again, I'm going to shoot the little bugger.
SGA-10's mascot was causing Carson all manner of grief. For some reason, the little alien lemur didn't like the Scotsman and had snuck into the Infirmary on several occasions... resulting in absolute chaos. Carson was getting fed up of having to clean up all the mess, and wasn't exactly thrilled when Smoky bit him repeatedly.
Rule 558: Dr Beckett is not allowed to use Fred to attack other people's mascots.
Carson snapped after Smoky's latest rampage, and sicced Fred on him. SGA-10 were furious when they found their pet hiding on the roof of the Jumper Bay and promptly started a fight with Carson.
John and Rodney, with Milo and Angus in tow, were called to break it up before things got any worse.
Rule 559: You are not allowed to dangle people upside down from the balconies.
A. It's not very nice.
John was still angry with Rodney over the results of the 'Sexiest Man' contest - and had decided to hang his geek upside down off of the central tower's highest balcony after he'd become convinced that the Canadian had somehow rigged the voting. When Elizabeth finally persuaded him to pull Rodney up, they had to take the scientist to Carson to be treated for extreme shock.
The Scotsman was so angry with John that he beat him round the head with his 'Sexiest Man' crown.
Rule 560: Do not steal other people's hair gel.
A. You know Colonel Sheppard can't function like a normal human being without it.
Rodney had taken his revenge on John for the balcony incident by stealing all the Air Force man's supplies of hair gel. Two days later, he promptly handed it back after John had stopped talking and the rest of the Command Staff had gotten scared. Carson was beginning to wonder when a couple of escaped inmates from a lunatic asylum had started to impersonate his friends.
Rule 561: Do not wander around on off-world missions without your radio.
A. It'll just end in tears.
Sergeant Domino had made the mistake of checking out some Ancient ruins on his own, without ensuring that his radio was switched on. When his team-mates couldn't get in contact with him, they jumped to the conclusion that the natives of the planet had captured/beaten/sold/killed him, and launched an attack against the village. Fortunately, no one died, but Sergeant Domino was still sporting two black eyes, a very badly sprained wrist and a broken nose.
Whether it was the natives or his team-mates was still up for debate, but the poor man was still awfully quiet around Carson.
Rule 562: Twister is only to be played during down time.
A. And if you've got a sensible adult supervising.
B. Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are NOT classed as 'sensible adults'.
Twister Madness had struck the city and left a lot of uncomfortable people in its wake. The injuries ranged from sprained muscles and broken bones to concussions and, in one case, internal bleeding. When Carson found out that John and Rodney were responsible, having requisitioned one of the boards from General O'Neill, he was not impressed.
And neither were the boys once the Scotsman had finished with them...
Rule 563: Human Pyramids are banned.
Carson didn't even want to know what had led the technicians to believe that they were accomplished acrobats. (Although secretly, he wondered if they'd been drinking the hallucinogenic tea...) However, the Scotsman was not amused when they all reported to the Infirmary with a myriad of injuries.
Rule 564: Do not 'borrow' Ronon's gun.
A. Ever.
B. Not unless you want to die before you see your next birthday.
Lorne decided that he was going to 'borrow' Ronon's blaster. The resulting smack down between SGA-3's leader and the Satedan was impressive but very messy. Carson swore at them in his native tongue for an hour and a half while he stopped the worst of the bleeding. Then he locked himself in his office and left Bella to sort out the rest.
Rule 565: Depriving the Scientists of caffeine and sugar is an incredibly dangerous thing to do.
A. I've already warned you about this, people.
Lorne and Parrish had had a massive fight that ended up with the pilot stealing all the coffee and sugar supplies that the Science Department had stashed. After a very messy rebellion that left three people in Intensive Care and several more on restricted duties until everything had finished healing, Carson posted this rule.
Then he went and had words with Evan, who found he couldn't walk properly for the next week.
Rule 566: SGA-1 are no longer allowed anywhere near the kitchens without supervision.
It was official - the gang couldn't even make toast without the entire world going to hell in a hand basket. After the team ended up requiring numerous stitches, Carson whacked all of them round the back of the head and called them idiots in both English and Gaelic.
Rule 567: Do not steal other people's mascots.
SGA-1 were angry when SGA-8 tried to 'borrow' Angus. SGA-9 learnt the hard way that Milo wasn't allowed out on loan, while SGA-14 discovered that Smoky was somewhat averse to being lemur-napped.
And if all that wasn't bad enough, the Marines were caught red handed trying to smuggle Fred out of the Infirmary. Carson was less than pleased and joined forced with the other pet owners to take revenge. It wasn't very pretty, and Elizabeth had to spend a week on the mainland to recover from the trauma.
Rule 568: Easter Eggs are to be eaten in moderation.
It turned out that both the Marines and the Scientists just didn't know when to say 'no'. Having consumed more chocolate in three hours than anyone thought was physically possible, Carson found his ward packed with personnel suffering from indigestion, stomach cramps and nausea.
Rule 569: You are not allowed to make Easter Eggs using the chocolate bean things that SGA-1 brought back from their last off-world mission.
SGA-1 had found a plant on P7X-223 that looked remarkably like a cocoa plant. Rodney had brought back some samples, which the Cooks had proceeded to use in order to make more Easter Eggs. Unfortunately, nobody realised until too late that although the beans looked and smelled like cocoa, and tasted amazing, they produced some rather interesting side effects.
Carson was not amused when he woke up the next morning to discover that he'd miraculously grown cat's ears and a matching tail overnight.
Rule 570: DO NOT DRESS FRED UP AS THE EASTER BUNNY!
Carson was not only very angry at the state his alien wolf was in, but was also thoroughly concerned for Elizabeth's mental state.
Rule 571: Building and using a submarine is fine.
A. Unless you happen to be Dr McKay or Colonel Sheppard.
The boys were in trouble once again, this time because they'd built a submarine to explore underneath the city. After said submarine got wedged under the south pier, it took the combined forces of three Jumpers, Radek, a very unhappy Carson in the control chair and even Atlantis herself to get them free.
Rule 572: Personnel are reminded that when they are on trips to the mainland, they are prohibited from playing in the forest after dark.
John had sulked for a week after Carson posted this. He was now stalking through the city, declaring loudly that 'three out of five' wasn't so bad. What he didn't add was that the number were indicative of how many times he'd ended up in the Infirmary.
Rule 573: Chair Stacking, although a very cool sport, is DANGEROUS.
After Twister was unofficially banned by the CMO, the expedition turned to the next best thing - chair stacking. The game was played much like a giant version of Jenga - except that rather than pulling pieces out, the aim was to build the tallest structure possible and then sit on the top. The winner was the person who didn't either fall off or knock the stack down.
Unfortunately, the expedition members weren't very well practiced in this particular game, and Carson soon had his hands full. He was beginning to wonder whether he should just kill the lot of them and be done with it. It would certainly make the city a lot quieter.
Rule 574: Corn starch and water are not to be used near people's stereo systems.
The Marines had bribed the Cooks into lending them some corn starch, claiming that they'd run out of talc for the gym. In actuality, they just wanted to make as big a mess as humanly possible. They'd discovered that when you added water to a certain amount of corn starch, the resulting gloop turned rock solid.
The only down side to their plan was that they'd chosen to test out their newest past-time on Major Lorne's stereo. Needless to say, Evan wasn't amused when he saw the state of his adored sound system and went postal. Carson couldn't stop laughing when he saw the state of the Marines.
Rule 575: Do not lock Colonel Caldwell in the brig.
A. He's not a Goa'uld anymore, Colonel Sheppard.
For God only knew what reason, John had gotten it into his head that Caldwell was playing host to another snake - and decided to lock him in the brig. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten that he'd already locked their newest Wraith prisoner, Tim, in there. Matters were made even more complicated when it emerged that the Marines had jammed the controls with their corn starch cement...
Rule 576: Do not shoot Dr McKay with a Wraith Stunner.
Rodney had been called upon to try and break Caldwell out before Tim got hungry. While he was successful and the commander of the Daedalus got out unharmed by his cell-mate, he promptly grabbed a Wraith stunner from the nearest guard and fired.
He'd been intending to hit John, but the Air Force man ducked - and the blast hit Rodney right in the face. Carson was not happy when he saw the state of the Canadian, and even less impressed when John and Caldwell reported to him with bruises and matching black eyes.
Rule 577: Do not use corn starch and water to turn people into living statues.
The Marines found a novel use for their newest toy. Carson was less than impressed when he had to 'un-cake' seventeen people in two hours.
Rule 578: Do not leave inflatable sheep lying around in the Infirmary.
A. It's not funny.
Nobody was really sure where 'Dolly' had come from, but Carson failed to see the cause for all the mirth. He vowed and declared that if he ever caught the person responsible, they'd be for it.
SGA-1 were being very, very quiet...
Rule 579: The female contingent are reminded that they are all meant to be mature, sensible adults.
A. Acting like deranged fangirls is not acceptable behaviour, ladies.
B. You're scaring the men.
The Atlantis expedition happened to have several men who were more than a bit good-looking... and some of the ladies had happened to notice this fact. When Carson, John, Rodney, Lorne, Ronon, Parrish, Radek, Sgt Domino, Stackhouse, Corporal Jenkins and half a dozen other lads all went into hiding, Elizabeth put an end to the stalking.
The guys were very relieved, but they still flinched whenever the girls started giggling.
Rule 580: Dr. Beckett is not allowed to sedate people without valid reason.
A. It's very unprofessional, Carson.
B. John and Rodney are really upset with you.
Carson had finally gotten fed up with the constant complaining and whining of his most frequent patients. When the pair entered infirmary for the fifth time in as many hours, he simply sedated them on the spot and proceeded with a very thorough medical examination. He was somewhat perplexed with the results until his 'guests' awakened.
As it turned out, both of them were perfectly fine. John and Rodney just wanted to invite their friend to dinner.
Rule 581: No smoking inside Atlantis.
A. Do you really want to join Albino Squad?
Obviously the various incidents involving smoke and chemicals didn't teach the expedition members anything. When Dr. Benetti found a bag of tobacco inside his regular care package from his family, he immediately lit his pipe... and nearly suffocated when Atlantis filled his room with fire-retardant foam and decontamination chemicals.
Rule 582: The Medics are not allowed to use slang when speaking about their patients.
Carson and his staff were all in BIG trouble when the rest of the expedition finally figured out what some of their medical 'mumbo-jumbo' actually meant. While they agreed that some of it was actually quite funny (like PGT - Pissed Got Thumped), they were less than impressed with other examples (such as AST - Acute Thespian Syndrome, or the ever popular GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room.)
Carson and his teams had to hand over half their Oreo stashes to appease the angry mob.
Rule 583: It is physically impossible to lick your elbow.
It was truly staggering how thick some people could be. When Ronon and Corporal Jenkins were both admitted to the Infirmary with severe neck injuries and pulled shoulders, Carson was startled... until he found out the reason.
Rule 584: Do not dial the DHD with your elbow.
Chuck had been showing off in front of one of the pretty new technicians and had dialled the Gate with his elbow. SGA-13 were startled to discover that they ended up on a completely different planet to the one they were meant to be going to.
Carson was on the verge of asking the SGC for horse tranquilisers.
Rule 585: Stop chasing people with frying pans.
SGA-13 didn't take too kindly to ending up on a Wraith infested planet rather than meeting up with the Raffians on P9X-444. When they finally got back to the city, they vented their displeasure on Chuck by chasing the poor technician around Atlantis with a frying pan for seven hours.
Carson nearly had a nervous breakdown when he saw the state of them.
Rule 586: Bungee jumping from Puddle Jumpers is hereby prohibited.
Only a week after being released following the incident with Ronon's gun, Lorne wound up back in the Infirmary - this time with John and Rodney in tow. When Carson nearly burst an artery, they quickly confessed. John and Lorne had decided to bungee jump from the back of a Jumper that was being piloted by Rodney. Surprisingly, the Canadian's piloting skills weren't the reason for their injuries - they'd collided in mid-jump.
Rule 587: The Science Department are not allowed to build anything until further notice.
Although Carson had banned Laser Tag twice already, he'd forgotten that the Scientists didn't quite understand the meaning of the word 'no'. When he discovered that they'd rebuilt the equipment and had started running the game again, he banged his head against the nearest wall so hard that he literally saw stars.
Rule 588: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to get the crew of the Daedalus drunk.
A. That includes Hermiod, John.
After the incident involving Major Marks, everyone thought that they'd be safe from drunk flying. Unfortunately, John thought it would be funny to see what happened when he got Hermiod drunk. (In his defence, the Asgard had been particularly rude about Rodney's abilities, something which always made the pilot see red.)
After he and Rodney ended up under Carson's care, John realised the error of his ways and promptly sent a message to Caldwell in apology. Rodney, meanwhile, was now in a foul mood with John - Hermiod had decided in his inebriated state to beam them to and from the east pier repeatedly, and they now both had another case of beaming bends.
Carson was so angry that he couldn't find the words to yell at the Air Force man.
Rule 589: Do not sit on top of the Stargate.
John had gotten drunk and decided to sit on top of the Gate. That wasn't a problem until it activated and nearly took both his legs off. When he'd both sobered up and recovered from the shock, he had to deal with an irate Carson who wasn't best pleased with him. It didn't help matters when Rodney got wind of his latest escapade.
Rule 590: The Marines are not allowed to steal inventions created by the Scientists.
The Marines decided that they wanted exclusive access the Laser Tag equipment and stole it. After a base wide 'game' that resulted in nearly two thirds of the expedition being admitted to the Infirmary, Carson just rolled his eyes skyward and muttered incoherently.
Rule 591: The Medics are not allowed to 'confiscate' stolen inventions.
To avoid running out of room on the ward, Carson confiscated the Laser Tag equipment. The next day, he and Bella were admitted to the Infirmary with third degree burns and matching sheepish expressions. When asked how they received their injuries, they both remained stubbornly silent.
Laser Tag, anybody?
Rule 592: Do not touch the DHD crystal.
Rodney had nearly had a heart attack when he discovered that Radek had smashed the control crystal for Atlantis' DHD. When confronted, the Czech protested that he'd only done it because the crystal had 'bitten' him. Carson sighed wearily and let Fred deal with them.
Rule 593: Intelligence contests are now on the banned sports list.
A. Don't ask.
After the crystal fiasco, Rodney and Radek had a grudge to settle, and decided to have an intelligence contest. Lorne and John sold tickets, claiming it was going to be the 'Geek Smack Down of the Century'.
It was a brawl, alright, but not because of Atlantis' top two brains. Ronon had decided that he was bored halfway through and stunned everyone.
Rule 594: Teyla is hereby banned from drinking any and all alcohol until further notice.
The Athosian's behaviour while under the influence was really rather worrying. After she told Carson that Medicine wasn't a proper science and that she never wanted to undergo another voodoo ritual ever again, Carson promptly banned her from alcohol.
He then went and had a 'wee chat' with Rodney.
Rule 595: Do not race the Jumpers and the F302s.
It all started when John bet Caldwell that his Jumper could out fly an F302 any day of the week. Since the commander of the Daedalus was really a boy racer at heart, he accepted the challenge.
When both of them ended up nearly crashing into the south pier, Carson went ballistic.
Rule 596: Do not race the Darts and the F302s.
John and Caldwell's race had sparked a renewed interest in racing that had Carson reaching for his supply of sleeping pills. This time, it was Lorne and John who had the race - which ended when John decided to attempt to beam up Lorne's fighter jet with the Wraith scooping device.
Amazingly, it worked and the Major was restored unharmed, but Beckett was so angry with the pair of them that he nearly had a stroke.
Rule 597: NO MORE SPACE RACES!
John was gleefully corrupting the entire expedition. The Air Force man somehow managed to get a whole fleet together for what was soon termed the 'Great Atlantis Space Race'. Even more surprising than Rodney being among the first to sign up was the fact that Carson wanted in.
He reasoned that if he couldn't beat them, he'd join them. Everything was going relatively well, with no accidents, crashes or injuries... until Carson lost control of Jumper Seven and crashed into Rodney's Dart. Needless to say, Elizabeth was furious when she found that two of her section heads would be out of commission for at least a month and posted this rule.
John, meanwhile, had decided to hide in the one place no one would ever think to look for him - Rodney's room.
Rule 598: No Cannabis plants on Atlantis!
A. You're already daft enough as it is.
B. You don't need illegal drugs to help you act like two year olds!
Parrish had discovered an Ancient version of Cannabis on one of SGA-3's trips off-world and had brought back a sample for testing. What he didn't realise was that the plant had the ability to attach itself to other species of flora and fauna...
Carson was not amused when he had to deal with half the expedition being stoned out of their heads after the Cooks had inadvertently served 'hash cabbage' to everyone.
Rule 599: If Teal'c comes to visit, he is not allowed to spar with Ronon.
A. And Colonel Sheppard is not allowed to sell tickets.
When SG-1's resident Jaffa came for a visit, he and Ronon decided to have a sparring match. Unable to resist such a golden opportunity, John and Lorne sold more tickets.
Unfortunately, Elizabeth just happened to walk in at the wrong moment and took a blow to the face. In a display that scared three quarters of the male personnel, she promptly sprang to her feet and smashed a water jug over Ronon's head.
Carson had the mother of all headaches when the gang turned up at his door...
Rule 600: Dr Weir is not allowed to throw personnel off of the balconies.
A. I don't care if John was annoying you, Elizabeth, it's bloody unprofessional.
B. And you're making my workload impossible.
Elizabeth had decided that John caused far too much trouble and proceeded to throw him off a balcony. Her reasoning was that if he was in the Infirmary, said trouble would go away...
Unfortunately, neither John nor Carson could see the logic in her argument. Instead, they finked her out to Rodney and sat back to watch when the Canadian went spare.
The Rulebook was now so large that Carson decided to post it on Atlantis' internal server rather than re-printing all the newest additions. He found that a lot of people were now e-mailing him with funny things that had happened - and he was still absolutely astounded at just how thick some people could be.
He posted his latest set, took a sip of his tea and stared down at Fred. The alien wolf rested his head on the Scotsman's leg, and Beckett absent-mindedly started to stroke the animal's long dark fur. "Och, lad, I don't know what to do with this bunch," he sighed softly. "Complete bampots, the lot of them. I've half a mind to just chuck them all off the central tower and be done with it."
Fred waggled his head in agreement. In all fairness, though, he liked chasing people around the city when Carson told him to. It was fun.
Beckett stared down at his canine companion and frowned. He still hadn't managed to unglue the rabbit's ears that Elizabeth had stuck on the wolf's head, and they were starting to get a bit ragged. "Come on, Fred," he said, getting to his feet. "Let's see if a bit of old-fashioned soap and elbow grease won't help."
Fred growled but followed his master out of the door, thinking longingly of chasing the Marines rather than his forthcoming bath.
Rule 601: Any and all Medical Jokes are hereby banned.
Carson was getting really sick of all the 'Doctor, Doctor' jokes and teamed up with Bella and Dr Morrison to put an end to it once and for all. After the cleaning crews had finished mopping up all the blood, Elizabeth hastily posted this rule to stop anyone else getting an idea as stupid as their last one.
Rule 602: The male personnel are reminded that the classes held by the ladies are MANDATORY.
After several incidents involving the guys being beaten to a pulp at certain times during the month, Elizabeth and Carson agreed that it would be better for everyone if the ladies started to hold 'Seminars for Males'. The ladies readily agreed, and a week later, there were a variety of classes running from 'Domestic Bliss - You Too Can Do the Housework', 'Wonderful Laundry Techniques' (formerly known as 'Don't Wash My Silks') and the ever popular 'PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut'.
Surprisingly, there were no injuries - and some of the guys found that they had a hitherto undiscovered talent for ironing.
Rule 603: Dr McKay is not 'Bones'.
A. Neither is Dr Beckett.
B. And if we hear the word 'Spock' one more time...
Carson and Rodney teamed up to put a stop to the nicknames. Everyone agreed that they made a frighteningly violent team, and quickly packed it in, much to the relief of the rest of the Command Staff. After all, the cleaning crews were on the verge of mutiny.
Rule 604: Atlantis is NOT the Enterprise.
A. Yes, I know the city is capable of flight, but you need to stop it.
B. Remember what I told you about Atlantis being sentient?
C. She's not a happy camper at the moment...
Unfortunately, those responsible for the nickname craze found a new target - Atlantis. Unsurprisingly, the city didn't take too kindly to being renamed and took its revenge in the form of invisible force fields and temperature controls that went haywire for no apparent reason.
Rodney was at a complete loss, and not even John could sweet-talk Atlantis into behaving, so eventually Carson rounded up all those responsible and pushed them off the east pier. Atlantis approved and the guilty party remembered never to call the city any names ever again.
Rule 605: Dr Beckett is not allowed to send off-world teams to planets without DHDs.
A. Even if they gave him a migraine.
Carson was fed up with having to patch up the same off-world teams again and again. Eventually, he got so angry with SGA-1, 2, 3, 7 and 11 that he sent them all to P8X-000 to 'collect some plant samples'. When the teams got there, they discovered that the planet had no DHD, and no way of being powered kinetically. Elizabeth was furious and promptly sent the Daedalus to go and get them before giving Carson a lecture.
Oddly enough, his excuse that he was sick to the back teeth of having to patch them up wasn't accepted, and when the teams got back two weeks later, he went into hiding until they'd all calmed down.
Rule 606: Sticky notes are only to be used for their intended purpose.
A. Decorating the Gate Room is not one of them.
SGA-4 had gotten bored, so Lt Cadman suggested giving the Gate Room a bit of a makeover. While everyone agreed that their efforts were impressive, the Command Staff were not amused. SGA-4 had used nearly every single post-it note on base and now the Gate Room was a nausea inducing multi-coloured nightmare that gave everyone who looked at it the mother of all migraines.
Carson was not impressed, and not even Laura could cool him off.
Rule 607: I thought I told you lot I'd banned face paint?
SGA-12 obviously hadn't read the previous rule concerning face paint, and now they were all waltzing around the city looking like B-movie monsters. It wouldn't have been a problem except that the paint they'd used had actually been recalled from sale back on Earth due to faulty ingredients.
The team were now in the Infirmary with bright red rashes covering their faces and hands, and looking a whole lot scarier than when they'd been monsters.
Rule 608: Please be sensible if you are going to participate in 'Dress Down Friday' and/or 'Casual Day'.
A. Spandex and leather micro-skirts are NOT appropriate attire.
B. No more rodeo belts or moccasins.
C. Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude.
To begin with, everyone had agreed that Dress Down Friday was a great morale booster... but that was before they saw SGA-15. The all-male team had decided to spend the day in drag, complete with very skimpy micro skirts (no one was entirely sure where they'd gotten them from), rodeo belts and spandex tops. The Command Staff couldn't really make them get changed - they were adults, and if they wanted to dress up like cheap hookers, then there wasn't really anything anyone could do to stop them.
The only problems started when some of the Chemists decided that they were very attractive cross-dressers and made a pass or two. (In their defence, the Chemists had been absolutely out of the skulls on Radek's Easter Hooch, so they weren't technically responsible for their actions.)
After all the geeks concerned ended up in the Infirmary with a very angry SGA-15, Carson was at a loss. He hastily patched the scientists up and locked them in Isolation to prevent any fatalities.
SGA-15, meanwhile, were seriously considering pressing sexual harassment charges.
Rule 609: The Medical Department are to delete their 'answer machine message' from the Comms system immediately.
Fed up of being on call 24/7, the Medical Department had cleverly set up an answer machine to take any incoming radio calls while they got some much needed sleep. The Command Staff were not impressed by the message, and promptly made them delete it. Carson had been walking around with an evil look on his face ever since, and the rest of the expedition made sure that they didn't get sick or injured until he'd cooled down a bit.
Rule 610: Do not take hot beverages into the Control Room.
When Radek had been called into the Control Room, he'd brought along his cup of coffee. He'd managed to leg it all the way from his lab without spilling a single drop, but when he reached the Control Room, he tripped over and his coffee went flying.
Chuck was now in the Infirmary being treated for severe scalding, while Rodney was giving Radek the lecture of his life. Not only had the hot beverage ended up all over poor Chuck, but it had gotten on the Ancient control system and now Atlantis was having another hissy fit.
Rule 611: Dr Kavanaugh is banned from touching ANYTHING ever again.
The pony-tailed idiot had accidentally turned on a machine that made John and Rodney swap bodies. It was very disconcerting for everyone involved, especially when John forgot that Rodney's body suffered from Hypoglycaemia and forgot to eat. Luckily, Carson was on hand with a glucose drip and no real harm was done, but Rodney wasn't amused and promptly took John's body down to the gym to get pummelled by Ronon.
Thankfully, the effects were reversed before things got too bloody or the boys stopped speaking to each other.
And Kavanaugh found himself on waste duty for the next six months.
Rule 612: The Science Department are not allowed to meddle with our environment.
The freak snow that had engulfed the city gave the Scientists an idea - which was ALWAYS a bad thing.
When they created their very own snow maker, the Command Staff twitched a bit, but okayed it. What they didn't know was that the snow maker worked by changing the planet's atmosphere...
After thirty five people were admitted with Pneumonia, Carson let Fred loose in the labs and sold tickets to spectators.
Rule 613: Be careful when touching/moving objects that do not belong to you.
A. Especially when it comes to people's glasses...
Everyone was in fear of their lives after Radek and Miko's glasses got mixed up by some unknown prankster. When Carson had finally had enough of all the cold showers, random fire alarms, emergency decontamination procedures, fire foam tests and medical devices that suddenly went loopy for no reason, he put his foot down. He posted this rule, and then took Fred and Milo out for a walk - through everyone's quarters.
Needless to say, the prankster never did try anything so stupid ever again.
Rule 614: The Scientists are banned from watching comic book movies until further notice.
A. I thought I told you lot that you weren't allowed to invent things?
Comic book movies plus geniuses with the mental age of hyperactive five year olds equalled utter chaos. After watching all three Spiderman movies back to back, they decided to invent their own 'web spinners'. Three hours later, and Carson still hadn't managed to unstick them all.
Rule 615: Colonel Sheppard is reminded that I banned him from wearing fancy dress for a reason.
John was impressed with the 'web spinners' and promptly borrowed them. He also snuck into Carson's office and retrieved the long-time banned 'Gecko' Device...
The next morning, everyone was amazed to see the Military Commander running around in a Spiderman costume. Even more startling was the fact that he could crawl up the walls and spin webs just like the fictional hero...
Carson only put an end to the madness when John nearly broke his neck. Unfortunately, the substance that the Scientists had used to create their 'webs' wasn't as strong as the stuff Peter Parker had used in the comic book and the Air Force man suffered a nasty fall when the web he was swinging from broke. Thankfully, he only had minor injuries, but Carson posted this rule to remind everyone why it was a bad idea.
Rule 616: The Hazmat suits are only to be used in cases of outbreaks of contagions/biological warfare etc.
The Marines wanted to play astronauts and decided that the Hazmat suits made excellent costumes. Needless to say, Carson was not a happy bunny when he found all of them missing - or when the Marines returned them in a very sorry state.
The Scotsman found that he had a lot of 'willing' volunteers for extra vitamin boosters.
Rule 617: The 'Thought Manipulation Machine' has been moved to a secure lock-up.
A. Anyone touches it again and they'll be very sorry.
SGA-2 had found a device that was capable of 'brain-washing' other people. They smuggled it back into the city and decided to test it out - on Kavanaugh. At first, everyone was slightly scared when the Chemist began acting like a relatively normal (and more importantly, nice) human being, but put it down to a change of heart or a lesson finally learnt.
Unfortunately for SGA-2, they didn't know when to quit...
Two weeks later and most of the expedition were in the thrall of the 'Gods of Atlantis', as the team had now proclaimed themselves to be. Well, everyone except Ronon and Rodney, that was. The machine had no effect on Rodney because he was a natural sceptic, while the ex runner was just plain immune. They succeeded in shutting the machine off and then sat back to watch as the rest of the expedition took their revenge on SGA-2.
Rule 618: Do not steal people's clothes.
When Major Lorne was spotted outside his quarters wearing nothing but a very small towel, everyone was amused - after all, it was well known on base that Evan was something of a ladies' man. This time, however, his situation had nothing to do with his latest love interest.
Novak had decided to test out a new modification to the Asgard beaming technology. What she'd intended was that the beam would remove things like bullets or arrow heads with minimal pain to the victim. Unfortunately, she gotten her calibrations a little bit wrong and had ended up stripping Lorne of his clothes.
Carson took pity on the unfortunate pilot and lent him his lab coat to cover his 'crown jewels'.
Rule 619: Dr Beckett is not to be referred to as James Bond.
A. That's Colonel Sheppard's nickname.
B. I know I'm Scottish, but that doesn't automatically make me Sean Connery!
Some of the Medics had started to call Carson James Bond. While the Scotsman was secretly flattered, he wasn't amused when they changed it to Sean Connery. And he wasn't best pleased when he found that he had to go into hiding to avoid a certain Air Force man.
It turned out that John really didn't like sharing.
Rule 620: 'Free Willy' is now on the list of banned movies.
A. I know it was you, Rodney.
B. I've got witnesses.
Rodney had been bored. He'd also recently watched Free Willy and the movie gave him ideas. Carson was not impressed when John dragged their now soaking wet and half drowned friend into the Infirmary.
It turned out that Rodney had tried to recreate the famous scene from the film, by coaxing Sam to jump over the west pier. While the whale had done a masterful job, Rodney hadn't taken into account the amount of water that would be splashed back onto the pier in the whale's wake. The force of the wave was so strong that he ended up being scooped out into the ocean in a matter of seconds. Thankfully, Sam turned out to be a damn fine rescue boat and bumped him back up onto the deck.
Still, despite the fact that he looked worse than he was, Carson put his foot down. He couldn't cope with anyone else deciding that they wanted a go.
Rule 621: 'Riverdance' is not to be performed.
The Marines were going to end up driving the rest of the expedition to the funny farm if they kept it up. They'd gotten hold of a pirated copy of 'Riverdance - the 25 Year Anniversary Tour' and were now convinced that they could dance just as well as, if not better than, most of the cast. Carson just covered his face with his hands when they all hobbled in with injuries ranging from sprains to full leg breaks.
Rule 622: 'I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts' is now on the list of banned songs.
The Medics had been trying to convince Carson to take a vacation, but with no luck. Then Nurse Cindy hit upon the idea that if they drove him absolutely nuts, he'd book a week off to go fishing just to get some peace and quiet. They decided to sing 'I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts', a la Fred Heatherton, in a variety of languages for the better part of three days non-stop.
Their plan was partially successful - it did indeed drive Carson absolutely up the wall. However, instead of taking a break like they'd expected, he started singing it back at them in Gaelic.
Elizabeth ended up posting this rule because she couldn't take any more.
Rule 623: Major Lorne is not to be left in charge of anything.
B. Not even the KP rota.
Lorne had been placed in charge of a rescue mission when SGA-5 were held hostage on M9X-556. As it turned out, the Major was a little bit gung-ho about the operation, and nearly all of his team came back with injuries. Carson was furious as he patched them up, but even his Scottish wrath was nothing compared to that of John, Rodney and Elizabeth. Needless to say, Lorne learnt the hard way about planning and preparation...
Rule 624: Personnel are not to make fun of any blossoming romances between crew members.
It turned out that all the animosity between Simpson and Kavanaugh was actually unresolved sexual tension and the entire expedition nearly choked on their Oreos when they discovered that the pair had started dating.
Everyone was shocked that Simpson had such a bad taste in men – and that Kavanaugh could be considered even vaguely attractive. After his latest prank went awry and left him with cuts and bruises, Simpson stepped in to provide some TLC.
When the rioting started, Carson hastily put this rule up to avoid any bloodshed. He then called Simpson into the Infirmary to check that Kavanaugh hadn't drugged her.
Rule 625: Please be careful if you are going to conceal hidden weapons about your person.
Ronon was a bad influence. When twenty six people were admitted to the Infirmary with injuries in rather unusual places, Carson was very cross. To get his own back, he sent Bella to teach the Satedan a lesson.
Rule 626: The 'rodeo' machine is to be dismantled IMMEDIATELY!
The Command Staff were sure that the Marines were trying to get everyone killed. They'd managed to bodge together a rodeo machine and had started renting it out to people. After said people all ended up under Carson's care, the Scotsman threatened to take a wrench to the Marines unless they took it apart.
Rule 627: All fishing contests are postponed until further notice.
The Command Staff agreed to hold a Fishing Contest on south pier simply because something so innocent couldn't possibly cause any harm, even on Atlantis. How little they knew...
The contest went from fun to a battle for survival in mere minutes when the baits used by the participants to attract attention of fish turned out to be Lantea's equivalent of electric eels. Luckily no one had drowned, but the Infirmary was flooded with victims of electric shock.
The worst case of electrocution happened to be Atlantis' CMO. Carson had caught the biggest fish that day, and received the jolt of his life.
Rule 628: For the last time Rodney - stop building non-regulation weapons for John.
A. Do you really want to kill him somebody?
This time, it was a miniaturised, handheld Rail-gun. It even worked - too well in fact. The powerful recoil broke the pilot's arm in two places and knocked him into nearest wall, while the projectile went clean through four set of walls, missed Chuck's head by an inch, destroyed Elizabeth's laptop, punctured the central tower's outer wall, and still had enough energy to crack Jumper Four's windshield.
Elizabeth was so furious and scared that she threatened to separate the troublemakers by sending one of them back to Earth if they didn't stop acting like children.
Rule 629: Do not try to skip your mandatory psych evals.
A. Heightmeyer is a scary lady when she wants to be.
For some bizarre reason, the Atlantis expedition seemed to think that 'mandatory' actually meant 'voluntary'. After Kate was found sobbing hysterically and threatening to go all Texas Chainsaw massacre on those responsible, the Command Staff quickly posted this rule and had Carson sedate her until she'd calmed down. They then told the rest of the expedition that if they didn't get their arses down to see her pronto, they'd let her have access to the armoury.
Rule 630: Just because the Command Staff does stupid things and gets away with it does not entitle the rest of you to do the same.
Carson had been thinking of Elizabeth sticking rabbit ears on Fred when he posted this. Everyone else was thinking of John and Rodney. Now both of them were sulking and Elizabeth was hiding under her desk, claiming that she couldn't cope any more.
Rule 631: Dr Beckett is not allowed to hit people with a spurtle.
Carson had gotten so angry with John and Rodney after they'd nearly sent Elizabeth loopy that he hit them with a spurtle - which was a Scottish cooking instrument hat closely resembled a wonky rolling pin. (According to Carson, it was used to stir porridge with.) Neither of them was amused and things turned ugly. After all three of them were admitted to the Infirmary, Elizabeth threatened to seal them in the uninhabited section of the city for a month.
Rule 632: Do not get Dr Heightmeyer drunk.
Following on from the mass protests and strikes at psych evaluation time, Kate decided to get over her depression by consuming vast amounts of alcohol. When John entered the Rec Room, he found a very drunk psychologist, who was more than a bit suggestible. Having a sudden flash of evil inspiration, he raced off only to return with a video camera. He then proceeded to ask Kate to tell him all of Rodney's most embarrassing secrets - and filmed the lot.
When he started to play bits of the conversation over the PA system for all and sundry to hear, the Canadian was not overly impressed...
Rule 633: Dr McKay is not allowed to mess around with Atlantis' primary systems to get revenge on a team-mate.
A. Yes, Rodney, I know what John did.
B. I'm dealing with it, alright?
C. Can you PLEASE turn the heating back on?
To get his revenge on his team-mate for the 'drunken head-doctor video nasty', Rodney decided to mess with all of the central controls in Atlantis. (Thankfully, he'd asked the city's permission first, seeing as how Atlantis could be extremely temperamental.) After nearly two weeks of nothing but cold showers, cold food and even colder living conditions, Carson put a stop to it. He called both sides in and declared that unless they put aside their differences, he wouldn't be held accountable for his actions.
The boys agreed and made up - but only because the Scotsman was twitching and holding a laser scalpel at the time.
Rule 634: The ducks native to M5G-718 are not very friendly.
SGA-3 learnt this the hard way - and then had to try and explain the bite marks to Carson.
Rule 635: Never interfere with Girls' Poker Night.
The boys decided to gate crash Girls' Poker Night - with disastrous consequences. After the majority of them were admitted to the Infirmary, Carson just shook his head at them. He then proceeded to tell them that they were very, very stupid before he let Bella and Dr Cole finish up with them...
Rule 636: Fake ZPMs are not to be made.
SGA-10 had made a fake ZPM. When they started juggling with it in the Control Room, Rodney flipped out, thinking that they were using the real one and promptly dived to rescue it when the object slipped. Although everyone thought that his dive was impressive, he was not amused to discover that his rescue had been for naught. He swiftly threw the fake ZPM at SGA-10 and got Angus and Milo to chase them around the city.
After Carson saw the state of Rodney's elbows and chest, he let Fred tag along too.
Rule 637: When asked for the reason/s behind your latest injury, do not say the following in front of Dr Beckett:
A. 'I was pushed.'
B. 'It wasn't MY fault.'
C. 'He started it.'
D. 'Well, funny story about that, doc...'
E. 'I was saving the SOLAR SYSTEM!'
The Command Staff were sure that Carson was going to have a nervous breakdown if the rest of the expedition kept this up. Either that, or he was going to actually murder John and Rodney.
Rule 638: Goa'uld stun grenades are not toys.
The Marines had new toys to play with after Colonel O'Neill shipped out a batch of Goa'uld weapons to the Atlantis expedition. After a base wide 'training exercise' that left nearly all the participants in need of medical attention, Carson posted this rule then threatened to use a pain stick on them if they didn't pack it in.
Rule 639: Do not get SGA-12 drunk!
For God only knew what reason, SGA-5 thought it would be funny to get SGA-12 drunk. After the team nearly burnt down half the city, they realised the error in their judgement and went into hiding before Carson found them.
Rule 640: Do not stand near the Stargate as it is about to activate.
A. It's messy.
Dr Jones had been standing next to the Gate when it activated suddenly. Luckily, the poor man only lost half his hair, but Carson read him the riot act regardless. Elizabeth, meanwhile, was starting to wonder if she shouldn't just chain John and Rodney in front of it.
Rule 641: April Fool's Day pranks are hereby forbidden.
The inflatable sheep made an unwelcome return, along with a couple of the mutant ducks from M5G-718 and more sneezing powder than anyone had ever seen. Carson was not impressed, SGA-1, 2 and 9 were in hiding and Fred was showing a hitherto undiscovered talent as a blood hound.
Rule 642: Do not make the Scientists cry.
A. Rodney will hurt you.
Captain Reynolds had shouted at Miko and made her cry. He then vented on Radek, Simpson and several other geeks, leaving them all in a similar state. When Rodney entered Lab One and found them all, he went beyond postal and Carson had to post this rule as a gentle reminder.
He then had to spend the next four hours putting the unfortunate Captain back together again.
Rule 643: White water rafting is banned.
When SGA-2 had gotten into trouble on an off-world mission, Stackhouse had been left with no other option than to jump into a fast flowing river with the rest of his team. When the water turned into rapids, he realised his error of judgement. Unfortunately, so had the rest of SGA-2, who promptly used him as a makeshift raft.
Carson was not impressed when they carried their team leader back through the Gate looking like he'd swallowed half an ocean.
Rule 644: Pack appropriate weather gear.
A. You'd be amazed at the trouble it can save you from.
SGA-2 weren't the only off-world team to have issues with Mother Nature. SGA-5 had been caught in a freak blizzard on P6X-445 and had managed to return to Atlantis two days later suffering from frostbite and severe hypothermia. Carson cornered John after he'd patched SGA-5 up and made all-weather survival kits mandatory.
John was now sulking because Carson had yelled at him again.
Rule 645: Any and all robots are hereby confiscated until further notice.
The Marines had bribed the Scientists to make them some robot soldiers to play with. While the geeks did an admirable job, they hadn't realised that using Ancient technology wasn't their best idea. When the robots rebelled and turned on the Marines, it took the combined forces of all the pets, Rodney, John, Ronon and Bella to de-activate them.
John promptly locked them in the vaults and yelled at the Marines. Rodney yelled at the Scientists while Carson was too traumatised to even speak.
Rule 646: If you are going to have snacks during Team Movie Nights, SHARE!
SGA-8 had decided that they needed some snacks for their Team Movie Night. They scouted around, called on long forgotten favours, and generally begged, bribed and wheedled, and were rewarded with a feast fit for the God of Couch Potatoes.
The problems started when they got into a fight over who was going to have the last Twinkie Bar... Later that night, Carson was shocked to see all four of them limping into the Infirmary in various states of wounded. His shock was soon replaced by anger when he discovered how said injuries were sustained and ranted at the rest of the Command Staff for an hour and a half about 'adult-sized children'.
Rule 647: The Cooks are not allowed to make 'Suicide Hot Chilli'.
The Cooks got bored one night and decided to try out a new recipe. It was labelled innocently as 'Chilli'...
After ninety three people were all admitted in the space of three hours to Carson's care, the Scotsman went and had a little chat with the Cooks to get to the bottom of the mystery. After all, he reasoned, having that many people suddenly turn up on your doorstep with symptoms ranging from stomach cramps to full blown allergic reactions was not normal. The Cooks eventually admitted that they'd made 'Suicide Hot Chilli' using some of the chilli peppers that SGA-5 had found on M8S-779.
As it turned out, the chillies were roughly three hundred times more potent than the hottest Earth equivalent.
Rule 648: Chocolate tests are hereby prohibited.
When the chocolate supplies began to run low, the Scientists decided that they needed to run some 'scientific' tests on what little supplies were left. Needless to say, mass rioting followed and Carson nearly lost what little sanity he had left.
Rule 649: Personnel are reminded not to tease Dr Beckett about his kilt.
A. He's a bit touchy about it.
B. It's a very nice kilt, Carson.
To celebrate St Andrew's Day, Carson decided to wear his traditional kilt, made in his family's tartan. Although most of the ladies approved, the guys were not so impressed and a whole new wave of Scottish jokes started up. After Carson threatened to get out his Spurtle again, they soon packed it in.
Rule 650: Do not try to outsmart the Science Department.
A. You'll get no sympathy from me if you do this.
The Marines has foolishly believed that they could outwit the Scientists at building weapons of mass destruction. They were wrong, and Carson now had more patients than he could comfortably accommodate.
The Scientists were still gloating.
Rule 651: Do not attach baubles to Ronon's hair.
For reasons best left unknown, SGA-11 thought it would be a good idea to attach some of the leftover Christmas tree decorations to the ex runner's hair. While most people saw the funny side, Ronon unfortunately did not.
SGA-11 were now waiting to be stitched up by a very angry Nurse Bella.
Rule 652: No more blonde jokes.
A. The ladies are getting very angry - and you know what happened last time, gents...
The men were all in hiding after Rodney and Lorne teamed up and challenged John and Carson to a 'blonde-joke-a-thon'. The girls got wind of their little 'game' and went on the warpath, armed to the teeth with all manner of goodies pilfered from the armoury.
No one was really sure if the boys were still in one piece or not, but assumed that they must be, seeing as how Fred and Angus were nowhere to be seen.
Rule 653: No home-made fireworks!
Dr Alphonse had a video of Disney World's 'Illuminations: Reflection of Earth' on his laptop that proved to be surprisingly popular with the rest of the expedition. Unfortunately, it proved to be a little bit too popular with SGA-12, who promptly decided that they wanted to recreate the show live for everyone.
Nobody would admit to letting the pyromaniacs have access to the things that went 'boom', but Carson nearly had a stroke, Elizabeth wouldn't come out of her bedroom, and John and Rodney were being run ragged trying to fix all the damage done to the city.
SGA-12, however, were currently being chased through one of the many corridors of Atlantis by Fred, Angus and Milo.
Rule 654: Personnel are not allowed to dye other crew members' hair.
After the near chaos that SGA-1 had sparked after dying their hair blue to match John's, Carson thought that people would have learnt their lessons by now when it came to hair products.
He couldn't have been more wrong.
When Kavanaugh was admitted to the Infirmary in a comatose state, the Scotsman was more than a little bit suspicious as to how the long haired man had ended up in said condition. It wasn't until later in the mess hall that he got his answer.
John was now the not-so-proud owner of pink streaks in his blue hair, courtesy of none other than the Chemist. He'd taken his revenge (although he refused to admit to what it was he'd actually done to Kavanaugh) and the rest of the Command Staff posted this rule to stop anybody else getting ideas.
They made John have sessions with Heightmeyer to discuss his obvious and very worrying obsession with his locks, and got Rodney to mix up a shampoo that would make the pink streaks turn a dark purple instead.
Rule 655: Poker nights are now banned.
A. I warned you about this.
SGA-4 and 9 got into a fight on poker night that resulted in five of them being hospitalised from their respective injuries. Carson went mental and banned poker nights indefinitely, much to the dismay of everyone else on base. Surprisingly, there were no riots, but he had threatened to sic Fred on the next person to even think about playing the game.
Rule 656: No more pen wars!
A. For God's sake, stop it!
The Atlantis expedition members were worse than a bunch of unruly five years olds at times. After Lorne, Cadman and Radek were all admitted to Carson, the Scotsman was less than impressed to find that he had to forcibly remove a selection of pens from various orifices.
He was even angrier when he found out that the reason said pens were in places that pen should never go was down to a pen fight that got out of hand.
Rule 657: Personnel are not allowed to staple their colleagues to their desks.
A. Even if they were annoying them.
Rodney stapled John to his desk after the Air Force man stole the Canadian's chocolate brownie. Although he wasn't injured, Carson had to be called to Sheppard's office to remove the staples that Rodney had 'borrowed' from Dr Biro.
Rule 658: The same goes for superglue.
A. That's a contraband item, by the way, so the next person I find with it hidden on their person is going to get it.
In retaliation to being stapled to his desk, John super-glued Rodney to his stool in Lab One. Once again, Carson was called in to release the now very angry physicist and posted this rule to nip the fight in the bud before it got out of hand.
He then went and beat John up with his shinty stick until the Air Force man gave him the last of his superglue stash.
Rule 659: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to stun Hermiod.
John had been curious as to the effects that a Wraith stunner would have on an Asgard. So he decided to test his theory out the next time he was onboard the Daedalus. As it turned out, the stunners had the exact same effect on Asgards as they did on humans, and John had to come up with an inventive excuse as to why Hermiod was now unconscious.
Rule 660: Do not make Hermiod angry.
When the Asgard recovered from being stunned by John, he was a very angry little grey man indeed. John found out the hard way that pissing an Asgard off was not only very stupid, but also incredibly painful.
Carson was not impressed when the Air Force man wound up in the Infirmary with his fifth case of beaming bends in three months.
Rule 661: Whoever gave Colonel Sheppard a baby Iratus Bug for his birthday is in SERIOUS trouble.
No one was sure who it was that had decided on this 'unusual' gift for the Air Force man's birthday, but the rest of the Command Staff were not impressed. After managing to get John down from the top of his wardrobe and safely dispensing with the baby Iratus Bug, Carson and Rodney went on the warpath.
Even worse, they had Fred, Angus and Milo in tow. The pets were not amused that one of their favourite human playthings was not in any condition to be played with...
Rule 662: Karma is very, VERY real.
A. Don't push your luck!
As it turned out, Kavanaugh had brought the bug back for John. Carson finally got him to admit to it after the Chemist had found himself up close and personal with an adult version while helping out SGA-7. Carson was not happy for several reasons, the foremost being the fact that he had to go through the Gate to deal with the Chemist. After successfully removing the wretched creature, he admitted the pony-tailed git to the Infirmary... and told John and the pets that he was behind the 'present'.
Then he locked the doors and left them to it.
Rule 663: Personnel are not allowed to go joy riding in 'Foxtrot'.
John and Rodney's homemade submarine was proving to be a smash hit with the rest of the personnel. So much so, in fact, that the boys had had to come up with a rota to accommodate all the requests they'd had.
Unfortunately, SGA-6 were a bit on the impatient side, and decided to jump the queue. After they were fished out of the ocean by SGA-1 and Carson, they learnt how to share - mainly due to the fact that John and Rodney were on the verge of homicide and Carson kept smiling at them.
Rule 664: If you go exploring, please refrain from touching anything you don't understand.
John and Rodney were exploring Atlantis and managed to inadvertently activate a device that they happened to find. They had no idea what said device was for - until they got back to the Control Room, that was. It turned out that the little gadget (which looked like an Ancient version of an ocarina) made the off-world activation alarm go off every five minutes. Elizabeth and Carson chased them halfway round the city until Rodney managed to reverse the effects.
Rule 665 Ronon is not allowed to spike Dr McKay's food.
The ex runner and the Canadian were having a bit of a rough patch, and Ronon had sprinkled a couple of drops of lemon juice over Rodney's Coronation Chicken one night in the mess hall. Apparently, he didn't believe that the Canadian was allergic, claiming it was 'all in his head'.
After Carson had calmed down, he managed to get to the bottom of their little tiff - apparently, McKay had been rude about Ronon and Bella's relationship. He resisted the urge to bang their heads together and dealt with Rodney.
Bella got to sort Ronon out.
Rule 666: You are not Tony Stark.
A. Even if you HAVE built a fully functioning replica of the Iron Man suit.
B. I'm not even going to ask...
After John's Spiderman episode, Lorne wanted to try his hand at being a superhero. After watching the new Iron Man movie, he bribed the Science Department into making him a fully functioning replica of the suit.
While it looked impressive and was indeed fully functioning in every sense of the word, they'd had to improvise a bit as far as the missiles went. They'd decided to use some mini drones that they'd found on a recent exploration of the uninhabited parts of the city, forgetting that the miniature weapons could be controlled by the smallest of subconscious thoughts...
After the Major nearly wiped out half the population and succeeded in tearing a chunk from the west pier, Carson and Rodney intervened. The results weren't pretty, and none of them (especially Lorne) were talking.
Rule 667: For the last time, TIE YOUR BLOODY SHOELACES!
SGA-13 were really six year olds. After all of them ended up in the Infirmary with a variety of different injuries, all sustained while running around off-world in undone shoes, Carson threw a bedpan at them and hid in his office.
Rule 668: The ladies wish to remind all male members of staff that they are not to upset them in any way shape or form.
A. I'm told that they have a rather large supply of pink nail polish.
B. And they aren't afraid to use it...
The men were in trouble yet again. This time, it had been Parrish's fault. He'd stolen the last stash of chocolate fudge brownies that the ladies had been keeping aside for their movie night. Unsurprisingly, they weren't too impressed when they found out.
Parrish was now hiding in the Infirmary, refusing to come out of the store cupboard. It turned out that the ladies had given him a complete 'makeover' that had involved copious amounts of pink nail polish...
The rest of the men swore never to touch anything that belonged to any of the females ever again.
Rule 669: Ronon is not allowed to play any board games for the foreseeable future.
A. At least, not until Bella's finished training him.
It turned out that the Satedan's patience was incredibly short. When John, Rodney, Lorne, Parrish, Zelenka and Cadman were all admitted to Carson after Games Night, the Scotsman grabbed Bella and told her to sort her boyfriend out pronto.
Rule 670: You cannot catch Chickenpox from chickens.
A. Even if they ARE alien chickens.
B. I don't care what SGA-8 said.
SGA-8 had been off-world with Halling and some of the other Athosians to secure a trade agreement, and had come back with a flock of chickens. Much to Beckett's amazement, the entire team ended up in the Infirmary three days later, all suffering from the Pegasus version of Chickenpox. The odds of four adults not having caught the disease in their respective childhoods was remarkable enough as it was, but that said adults were all on the same Gate team was nothing short of uncanny.
Carson's amazement soon turned to anger, though, when he found out that SGA-8 had started up a rumour about how they'd managed to catch the disease. Apparently, they'd told SGA-6, who were visiting them, that they'd caught it off of the chickens they'd been haggling for...
Once the mass hysteria had been squashed, Carson posted this rule and then tied socks to SGA-8's hands and feet to stop them scratching.
Rule 671: Do not hack into the Daedalus' mainframe.
A. Even if it was only a bet.
B. ESPECIALLY if it was for a bet.
Rodney and John had decided to place a small wager on the Canadian's chances of being able to hack into the Daedalus' control systems remotely. Never one to pass up an opportunity to demonstrate his brilliance, Rodney accepted and within minutes he was piloting the ship from his laptop.
Caldwell and Hermiod were not overly amused, especially when the boys unknowingly flew the ship into a swarm of Wraith Darts without their shields. A few frantic radio calls later (which demonstrated how many human swear words the Asgard knew), and Rodney restored everything to normal.
That should have been the end of it, but Caldwell wasn't one to forget such a little thing as almost being blown up in the middle of a space battle and beamed down to the city to look for the two culprits. When John and Rodney were carried in to the Infirmary a little while later, Carson reached a whole new level of livid - and Elizabeth went postal at the commander of the Daedalus.
Rule 672: As of right now, Dr McKay is no longer allowed to undertake Jumper Maintenance without being supervised.
A. And no, Rodney, having John there doesn't count.
No sooner than they'd been released from Carson's clutches after the remote controlled spaceship 'game', the boys were in trouble again. In their defence, they'd gotten bored whilst being on light duties. It all started when Rodney happened to mention that he'd been working on a theoretical problem that involved the Jumpers and Asgard hyperdrives. Of course, John (being John) got far too excited over the prospect of potential Jumper upgrades and had persuaded his friend to build a working model.
As it turned out, Rodney already had one - and had been looking for an excuse to do a refit of Jumper One for a little while...
Rule 673: If you are going to test out new modifications to the Puddle Jumpers, please make sure that you have a safety plan in place.
The Asgard hyperdrive was fitted and needed to be tested. After bribing Elizabeth and hiding from Carson, the boys got the green light to test it out. To start with, it worked even better than Rodney anticipated, with no malfunctions, dodgy side-effects or massive power surges.
Unfortunately, the only things he'd forgotten to take into consideration were a) they were in the Pegasus Galaxy, which seemed to have it in for them, and b) John didn't know when to stop playing with a new toy.
The pilot decided to take it out once more, this time without Rodney. Unfortunately, the hyperdrive had reached its breaking point and decided that enough was enough. It gave up the ghost and exploded while John was above the city...
Rule 674: Please would all personnel remember that Atlantis is extremely sensitive.
A. Run, John, run while you still can...
Thankfully, John had had enough sense to make sure that his beloved Jumper was fitted with emergency gear and parachuted from the rear hatch. He managed to land on his own balcony - he would later vow and declare that it was his own brilliant navigational skills that got him there, not merely a fluke, as Rodney insisted.
Unfortunately, when the hyperdrive exploded, it unleashed a small amount of radiation. While it wasn't enough to make John sick, it was all that Atlantis needed to trigger a lockdown. The pilot was startled to find himself quarantined in his own room. His confusion soon turned to dismay when he discovered that Carson was patiently waiting outside his quarters, ready to administer several shots.
He'd already gotten his hands on Rodney...
Rule 675: STOP ARGUING ABOUT HYPERDRIVES FOR THE BLOODY JUMPERS!
For a couple of days after the exploding hyperdrive fiasco, everything was worryingly quiet. Carson should have known that it couldn't possibly last. Much to his consternation, Rodney and Radek turned up at his door with mild concussions and sprained ligaments.
It turned out that they'd been having a debate about what had gone wrong with said hyperdrive that had eventually morphed into the mother of all arguments about who could build a better version. The argument descended rapidly into violence.
Carson was still shocked at how violent the Science Department could be, and had finally figured out who all the other geeks had learned their street fighting techniques from.
Rule 676: Do not race Atlantis against the Daedalus.
A. Hermiod's a sore loser.
The boys had a serious gambling problem.
John had made a bet with Rodney that Atlantis could out-run the Daedalus in a drag race. Caldwell soon got in on it (being a closet boy racer) and the rest of the expedition were startled when they suddenly shot into hyperspace.
Once they were back on Lantea, Elizabeth and Carson rounded up the boys and had a long talk with them. Then they turned the pair of them over to Hermiod - it turned out that the Asgard was frighteningly competitive and didn't take losing very well.
Rule 677: Milo is not to be used as a horse.
A. Yes, he's a very BIG robot dog, but honestly...
John had gotten extremely bored one afternoon and decided that he wanted to play 'Cowboys and Indians'. Unsurprisingly, he soon recruited several other crew members to his little game, including the rest of his team, SGA-2, 3 and some of the cooks. After they'd been divided up equally into Cowboys and Indians and been suitably equipped with 'weapons' (the Cowboys had water pistols while the Indians had toy bows and arrows) the game began.
Everything was going well, with no injuries - until John decided that as head Cowboy, he should have a horse. He quickly found that Milo was more than happy to play along... Unfortunately, he hadn't taken into account several quite important factors. Firstly, riding around on the back of a huge metal dog got extremely uncomfortable after a while. Secondly, he was a fair way from the ground, and the floors of Atlantis were considerably harder than your average field. And lastly, he'd not realised that Milo could run a damn sight quicker than your average horse...
When Rodney and Milo carried the now quite badly injured Air Force man into the Infirmary, Carson went very quiet. Then he started muttering about re-enacting Custer's last stand...
Rule 678: If a medical lockdown is triggered by accident, do not 'forget' how to turn it off.
A. I mean it, Rodney.
B. Do you know how long I was stuck with that bloody woman?
Whilst on a visit to Atlantis, Colonel Carter had inadvertently caused a lockdown in the Infirmary, thanks to her protein marker from her time spent as a Tok'ra host. Atlantis had detected said protein marker and considered her a threat to the other inhabitants. Carson radioed for help and Rodney had dutifully turned up to save the day.
Unfortunately, he was still angry with Carson after the Scotsman had taken Hermiod's side following the great Atlantis Space Race. Seventeen hours later and the Canadian finally relented and let them out.
The job should've only taken about forty minutes... if it hadn't been for the fact that Rodney had conveniently 'forgotten' how to disarm the safety protocols. Needless to say, when Carson was finally free, the Canadian was nowhere to be seen.
Rule 679: Citrus in any shape or form is now a contraband item.
A. How many times do I have to tell you that Dr McKay is allergic?
B. Seriously, you're going to kill the poor lad one of these days.
Once again, Rodney was in the Infirmary following a citrus related incident. This time, it had been Elizabeth of all people, who had caused the anaphylactic shock. Carson had to physically restrain John from tearing the woman to pieces.
In her defence, she hadn't known that the newbies had spiked the vinegar, so John relented and sent Angus after them instead.
And he and Carson took pictures.
Rule 680: Do not lock people in Lab One.
A. Especially not if it's Drs McKay, Zelenka and Kavanaugh.
B. Remember what I said about running, John?
C. You're going to need a REALLY big head start, son...
It was official - John Sheppard was a dead man walking. After an ugly argument with Rodney, the wild haired pilot had locked his geek in Lab One with Kavanaugh. While it seemed like a suitable punishment (and effective way to end said argument) at the time, he hadn't realised that Radek was in there as well...
24 hours later, (and after reports of explosions), Carson made him unlock the doors. Radek was sitting on top of Kavanaugh, beating the long haired man round the head with a stool. Kavanaugh, meanwhile, was trying to throttle Rodney, who was in turn throwing a collection of test tubes and beakers at the Czech.
Once the three men had been separated and wheeled off to the Infirmary to have their numerous injuries seen to, Carson lent John a pair of running shoes. Then he advised the pilot to make himself scarce...
Rule 681: Corridor 13 is now strictly out of bounds.
Corridor 13 was the hallway in which the Scientists had set up their death traps after their 'Saw' addiction. Since said traps were too dangerous to be dismantled (after all, the last thing anyone on the Command Staff wanted was for people to start losing limbs), they were left alone.
The Marines, however, either couldn't read all the warning signs that had been put up, or were incredibly stupid. They'd taken to having races down said corridor, with bets being placed on how far each one could get. After several of them were admitted for emergency surgery and one person nearly lost a leg, Carson posted this rule as a gentle reminder to the rest of the crew.
Rule 682: Any and all Science Fairs (or related activities) are hereby banned until further notice.
Rodney and Radek decided that since both the Medical and Military contingents had their own festivities (namely, the Atlantis Games and the sport-a-thons respectively), the Science Department should also be allowed to do something. After managing to persuade Elizabeth that SGA-2 would not be allowed to either enter or play with dangerous chemicals, the leader of Atlantis finally caved under the pressure and agreed.
Both she and Carson soon realised that they'd made the mother of all bad choices.
After nearly two thirds of the civilians were admitted to the Infirmary and John's men were called upon to put out all the fires, the Scotsman was furious. His temper was not improved when he discovered the reason behind the mass devastation - Rodney and Radek had been running a 'How to Make Explosive Devices Out of Anything' seminar and had gotten a bit too enthusiastic...
Rule 683: 'The Life of Brian' is now on the banned movies list.
It seemed that Monty Python was a cult hit across the base. Following on from SGA-4's Monty Python Film Festival, Carson had to ban 'The Life of Brian'. It turned out that Rodney wasn't too impressed with people shouting 'Welease Wodney!' at him every five minutes and was on the verge of violence.
The Scotsman promptly took those responsible aside and had a quiet chat. After he'd explained that the Canadian could make a bomb out of something as mundane as a toothbrush, they packed it in.
Rule 684: Do not attempt to build replicas of Red Dwarf's Scutters.
SGA-2 were closet fans of the sci-fi show - so much so that Dr Singh and Corporal Jenkins managed to create two authentic (and operational) Scutters, which they named John and Rodney. When all of the team were admitted to Carson, the Scotsman assumed that their new toys had malfunctioned. It wasn't until he examined their injuries more closely that he discovered that they were caused by something a little bit more human...
Apparently, Sheppard and McKay weren't amused - and they were even less impressed when Carson made them have extra vitamin shots.
Rule 685: Do not play Human Kerplunk.
After the chaos caused by the Human Dominos craze, Carson thought that the expedition's need to play stupid games had finally run its course. However, the Marines (being as resourceful as a pack of cunning foxes) soon came up with an adequate replacement - Human Kerplunk. They'd gotten drunk one evening and decided that the best way to pass their time was to duct tape people to the ceiling in the Rec Room, and then peel off the strips one by one until gravity reasserted itself.
While the Marines found it highly amusing, Carson did not. Neither did the victims - and soon, the pets were called into action to break up the lynching mob that were baying for the Marines' blood.
Rule 686: 'Fawlty Towers' is also on the banned DVDs list.
A. The German personnel are still upset, by the way.
The Marines' drunken antics had inspired the British crew members - with disastrous results. After a few of them got together and watched 'Fawlty Towers', they decided to re-enact the infamous 'Don't mention the war' scene... in front of the German personnel. Needless to say, the Germans didn't take it very well, and soon Atlantis was nearly the host to WWIII.
The pets, however, were having a great time chasing the British crew members around the city.
Rule 687: When a woman asks one of following questions, be very careful as to how you answer:
A. 'Does this make my bum look big?'
B. 'Does this colour make me look fat?'
C. 'Is she prettier than me?'
Some of the men had a death wish. At least, that was Carson's professional opinion after Lorne, Kemp and Radek were all admitted to the Infirmary with injuries in some very interesting places. And when he found out that some of the ladies had caused said injuries after the guys had failed to come up with the preferred answer to their questions, he didn't stop laughing for almost a week.
Rule 688: Be careful where you learn to rollerblade.
Parrish wanted to learn how to rollerblade. With Lorne still in the Infirmary following on from the ass-kicking he'd received from Captain Dobbins, John readily agreed to teach the Botanist. Knowing that all sports were banned inside the city, the wild-haired pilot decided to hold his new class on the south pier...
Unfortunately, he hadn't taken into account that a rollerblading novice might not be able to stop when they got to the end of the pier. Parrish promptly ended up in the ocean and a very sheepish looking John had to drag him into the Infirmary to be treated by Carson.
He then had to explain to a very angry Lorne the reason why SGA-3's geek was suffering from a broken leg and hypothermia...
Rule 689: Jumping from a balcony to the floor below is NOT a viable shortcut.
A. Unless you want said shortcut to take you straight to the Infirmary.
B. Just because John and Ronon do it, that doesn't make it safe.
John and Ronon were teaching the rest of the expedition some very dangerous habits. After twelve people were admitted to Carson after they'd tried to imitate the boys, Carson had reached the end of his tether.
He promptly went to see Rodney to beg the use of Angus for half a day. The white tiger had a very enjoyable afternoon sharpening his claws and teeth.
Unsurprisingly, his two new scratching posts weren't as amused.
Rule 690: All personnel are reminded that only qualified members of staff are allowed to touch the gravity controls.
When the techs got bored, the entire expedition suddenly found themselves in conditions similar to that experienced by astronauts in deep space. After thirty five people were admitted to Carson suffering from 'air sickness', the physician shouted at Rodney for two hours until the Canadian finally managed to work out what the techs
had done to the gravity controls.
Rule 691: General O'Neill is hereby banned from sending any Atlantis personnel anything.
A. We'll know if he has, people.
B. Consider yourselves duly warned...
Following on from the 'gifts' sent by O'Neill, Carson and Elizabeth finally realised that if they were to ban him from sending the expedition anything, they'd halve the number of casualties ending up in the ward.
Unfortunately, the General was sneaky - he started using other people's names on the boxes. How he found out about the ban, nobody was really sure, but John and Rodney looked awfully smug...
Rule 692: Do not use off-world plants to dye people's skin.
A. Nor any of the pets.
Carson was not impressed when he went to walk in his office one morning: Fred beat him to it and a bucket of water coloured dye landed on his pet. Although the alien wolf had saved the Scotsman from ending up a rather fetching shade of orange, the culprits were in for one hell of a rough time.
It turned out that the plant dye that the pranksters had chosen was okay for the humans of both galaxies to use. Unfortunately, it wasn't so good for wolf dogs that had an unknown allergic reaction to said plant dye.
It also wasn't too good for Carson's blood pressure.
Rule 693: Do not accept Easter Eggs from Carson for the foreseeable future.
A. Or anything containing chocolate, for that matter.
After the fiasco with Fred, Carson found the culprits on April Fool's Day. SGA-7 were offered some 'chocolate' eggs by the innocent looking Scotsman, which they promptly ate. Three hours later, they were all in the Infirmary and being seen to by Bella.
As it turned out, Carson had mixed the chocolate with extremely potent laxatives and was now highly amused at how SGA-7 all seemed to be walking funny.
Rule 694: As of now, the ladies are no longer allowed to make up the city rules.
A. ESPECIALLY on Casual Friday.
All the male personnel in French maids outfits, mass rioting and a frighteningly large number of casualties. Enough said.
Rule 695: The toy bows and arrows are to be handed in to Dr Beckett immediately.
After the base wide Cowboys and Indians game had been banned, the 'Indians' decided to get a little bit of revenge. Unfortunately for the rest of the city, Rodney, Radek and Lorne ranked among their members, and all of them were unmatched when it came to deviousness that bordered on psychotic.
After a lot of the original 'Cowboys' ended up in the Infirmary, Carson went mental, Rodney, Radek and Evan went into hiding, and John couldn't stop laughing.
Rule 696: As are all the 'modified upgrades'.
It seemed that before they'd decided to go AWOL, the lads had made some modifications to the Indians' weapons. In short, they'd managed to turn said toys into fully functioning and therefore highly dangerous weapons that were capable of rapid fire. Carson nearly went prematurely grey when he found out that Ronon had acquired a set...
Rule 697: If you have to take liquid medication, bloody well take it!
A. If you're not keen on the taste, you could try holding your breath.
B. Or pinching your nose.
C. Or a combination of the above.
John didn't like taking liquid medicine - so much so that Carson had to get Ronon to sit on the pilot until he caved in and took the dose.
Rule 698: If I find the person responsible for sneaking in slotted spoons, they'll be in serious trouble.
John was going to be Atlantis' first walking corpse if Beckett ever found out it was him.
Rule 699: And throwing the contents of your medicine cup over your shoulder won't work either.
A. I wasn't born yesterday, children.
B. Don't make me have to bring out the restraints.
The Air Force man was nowhere to be found after he'd convinced SGA-6 to do this. Carson, meanwhile, was muttering about bone saws and certain manic-haired Lieutenant Colonels...
Rule 700: Do not fake overdoses.
A. If I catch you, I'll make sure you end up in the afterlife.
B. Remember what I said about crying wolf?
SGA-9 faked an overdose on Tylenol to get out of a really long briefing. It wasn't until they were due to be stomach-pumped that they finally came clean. Carson was so angry with them that he made them have it done anyway.
The rest of the Command Staff were now seriously considering sending him for a psych evaluation with Kate.
Rule 701: Wheelchair jousting is hereby prohibited.
Much to everyone's surprise, Carson had actually invented this game, claiming that he'd modified it from 'Trolley Jousting'. After he ended up with a broken leg, everyone else decided that the Medics were dangerous when they were let out to play and banned them from inventing any more games for the foreseeable future.
Carson was still sulking.
Rule 702: Any alcohol made on base is to be closely monitored AT ALL TIMES.
A. Stills don't look after themselves, you know.
B. And they have a tendency to explode...
The Irish, British and Dutch personnel decided that Radek's monopoly on the production of hooch needed to be balanced up a bit, so they had a go themselves. Unfortunately for the rest of Atlantis, they hadn't realised that brewing said illegal booze was a painstaking and time consuming hobby - and that said stills needed to be watched 24/7.
After numerous casualties were admitted to the Infirmary, Carson got a little suspicious as to how his new patients all seemed to have identical injuries. And after Rodney discovered that two of his beloved labs had been more or less destroyed in explosions (caused when the stills went boom), he and the Scotsman were out for blood.
The rest of the Command Staff simply pointed them in the right direction and watched.
Rule 703: Red does not have 'Badger Rabies'.
Kavanaugh had spread this rumour after the little blue badger stole his cherry cupcake. Carson was forced to post this rule after the long haired Chemist was admitted to him, covered from head to toe in bite marks.
Red was now incredibly popular on base.
Rule 704: Do not spin weapons around.
A. Yes, I KNOW Ronon does this quite a lot, but he's allowed to.
B. He's also a very big alien man who can kick your sorry arses from here to the Milky Way and back again.
A couple of the Marines decided to do this - and nearly lost their legs. It seemed that spinning P-90s was a very dangerous thing to do, especially if the safety wasn't engaged...
Rule 706: The Science Department are to dismantle their 'Weather Manipulator' immediately.
After the freak weather incident that had left Atlantis covered in snow, the Scientists decided that they wanted to recreate the conditions to hold the Atlantis Winter Games. The idea was sound in theory, but when they turned on their Weather Manipulator, things didn't exactly go according to plan.
After Carson had to deal with hypothermia, severe sun stroke and pneumonia all in the same afternoon, he was less than happy with the Science Department. The Scientists were less than happy when Elizabeth made them hand over their new toy.
Rule 707: Chewing gum is to be used for its intended purpose only.
Carson was disturbed when he had to cut gum out of Lorne and Parrish's hair - apparently, they'd had a disagreement about something and had resorted to the war tactics of a ten year old.
Rule 708: All personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to blow other people's toilets up.
A. Even if they were being a jerk.
After the long haired menace of the Science Department humiliated Zelenka in front of the rest of the Scientists, the Czech was beyond anger. So he decided to exact some Eastern European justice on the man...
He blew Kavanaugh's toilet up while the Chemist was sat on it. Carson nearly throttled Radek when Kavanaugh was wheeled into the Infirmary screaming like a little girl. John and Rodney, meanwhile, considered selling tickets.
Rule 709: No ball games in the mess.
The Marines decided that they wanted to play baseball - in the Mess Hall. Twenty two casualties later, and Carson was starting to look very longingly at Ronon's blaster...
Rule 710: Do not lock people in the fridges.
A. Or the freezers.
The Scotsman got his revenge on the Marines by locking them all in the freezers in the kitchen. It wasn't until the rest of the Command Staff intervened that he relented and let out the now hypothermic and slightly frostbitten Marines. After assigning Drs Cole and Morrison to deal with the new patients, John, Rodney and Elizabeth quickly got Heightmeyer in to have a little chat with Carson...
Rule 711: All homemade canons are banned until further notice.
A. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Rodney.
B. It's for your own good.
Rodney decided to build a canon. Chaos and destruction ensued... Needless to say, the rest of the Command Staff were not amused with his latest toy and promptly confiscated it after he managed to blow a hole in the wall next to Kavanaugh's quarters. What they hadn't realised was that John liked the canon and snuck it back out again.
Two days later, and neither of the boys could sit properly, while Carson was the picture of innocence.
Rule 712: Do not give people joyrides in the remote controlled Puddle Jumpers.
John blamed Rodney for the pair of them being caught with the supposedly confiscated canon and decided to get his own back. He locked the Canadian in one of his remote controlled Jumpers and took it on the joyride from hell.
Three hours later, he finally let Rodney out (mainly because Elizabeth was threatening to send Ronon and Teyla in to negotiate for the scientist's safe release). Carson reached a whole new level of furious after he saw the state of McKay and made John have booster shots for nearly every illness he could think of.
Rule 713: Dr Weir is hereby banned from consuming any alcohol whatsoever until further notice.
After some intense negotiating, Elizabeth managed to get Carson to withdraw the ban on poker night. She then held Ladies Poker Night, complete with copious amounts of alcohol.
After she was dragged into the Infirmary completely plastered, Carson quickly posted this rule - after all, there was only so much a man could take, and having your boss serenade you with 'Sexy Beast' at four in the morning ranked in the top ten most embarrassing things in the Universe.
Rule 714: All carnivals are to be supervised.
A. I can't believe I just wrote that...
John and Rodney decided to hold a carnival in the city, claiming that everyone needed a bit of a morale boost. The rest of the expedition agreed and soon, they were busy setting up various rides and stalls all across the city. The only problem was that John insisted that they needed a Ferris Wheel to make it a proper carnival. Ronon knew of an off-world market that had machines similar to the Earth device and soon, SGA-1 were gating to said market on their most important mission to date.
While the locals of P6x-918 did indeed have Ferris Wheels, and were more than willing to trade them, John hadn't taken into consideration an important fact. Namely, how they were going to fit said wheel through the Gate. After three hours of arguing, John had had enough and decided that brute force would be the ideal solution, rather than Rodney's more sensible idea of simply dismantling it and re-building it back on Atlantis.
Unsurprisingly, it didn't work, and six hours after they left, SGA-1 finally returned to Atlantis with a broken Ferris Wheel and numerous cuts and bruises. Carson was so angry that he sent them to the isolation room for a week, and only relented when Rodney, Teyla and even Ronon started begging him to let them out.
John, as it turned out, really, really wanted to go to the carnival...
Rule 715: Stop scaring the Military Staff, Teyla.
The Athosian, who had also been at Ladies Poker night, decided to declare her undying love for Major Lorne - in front of the entire base.
Rule 716: Be careful when running around outside.
Unsurprisingly, Lorne was more than a little scared when Teyla made her groundbreaking announcement over the PA system and ran for his life. Unfortunately, he wasn't paying attention to where he was going and ended up running off the north pier.
Carson banged his head against the nearest wall and got Dr Cole to deal with the hypothermic soldier. He then asked Bella to sober Teyla up before he locked himself in his office.
Rule 717: For the love of everything holy, do NOT carry weapons around if you are ill.
After various lectures about good gun practice from John, Rodney decided to make his life simpler and just keep his sidearm with him at all times. He reasoned that since the Military contingent did it and he was on an off-world team, he'd get away with it.
To begin with, nobody minded too much - until Rodney got so ill that he became delirious. He managed to shoot John, Radek, Ronon, Teyla and even Carson before he ran out of ammo and the security detail managed to tackle him.
Needless to say, once he was better, he had a LOT of apologising to do.
Rule 718: Do not use 'superpowers' to fight the Wraith.
A. It doesn't work.
B. You're not superheroes!
Following on from their earlier attempts, John and Lorne decided to fight the Wraith while dressed up as Spiderman and Ironman. After persuading Rodney to make some adjustments (and also to make some more costumes), SGA-1 and Major Lorne went off-world...
The Wraith on M8G-018 were startled when Spiderman, Ironman, the Invisible Woman, the Incredible Hulk and Batman turned up out of nowhere and started kicking their asses, but soon worked out that these new enemies were nothing more than humans in strange clothes.
Luckily, no one was seriously injured, but Carson and Elizabeth were not impressed when the gang limped back to the city looking like something Angus would drag in.
The gang, meanwhile, were less than happy when Carson told them they all needed intensive physicals, just to be certain there was no harm done.
Rule 719: Please remember that toothpicks were not designed as weapons.
It all started when Stackhouse and Kemp got into a fight over the last of the cherry ice cream. After throwing nearly all of the cooking equipment in the kitchens at each other, they decided to settle things by having a toothpick fight...
Carson nearly cried when the two soldiers limped into the Infirmary with numerous little wooden sticks poking out of their bodies.
Rule 720: No bumper car races in the hallways!
There were still some bits of equipment left over from the now infamous 'Atlantis Carnival', including the bumper cars. John and Rodney decided to race each other from Lab One to the Mess Hall - and the ensuing carnage resulted in twenty five people being admitted to Carson.
Amazingly, neither of the boys ranked among the casualties - until Carson got hold of them.
Rule 721: The Marines are not allowed to 'glomp' random crew members.
The Marines had a new game, much to Carson's dismay. They'd somehow heard about 'glomping' and had decided to try it out on unsuspecting civilian passers-by. After several of their victims were admitted to the Infirmary, the Scotsman taught Fred the basics behind 'glomping' and let him have at it with the Marines.
Oddly enough, they stopped doing it.
Rule 722: Crew members are reminded that metal rulers are dangerous.
Miko and Radek were starting to seriously scare the rest of the Science Department. After the two of them had waged a mock 'pirate' battle in Lab Two, using said metal rulers as swords, Carson was flooded with patients.
Rodney, meanwhile, was too busy trying to kill the pair of them to notice how much paperwork he now had to do.
Rule 723: Do not 'borrow' other peoples' hair products.
A. Pack it in, you two, or I'm telling Elizabeth.
When Rodney and John limped into the Infirmary, Carson's internal warning bells started ringing very loudly. And they only got more insistent when neither of the boys would explain how they got said injuries in the first place. Eventually, after some bribery, begging, wheedling and a couple of well timed threats, the Scotsman had a rough idea of what had happened.
It went something like this:
There may have been an incident. Said incident could have involved a piece hair styling equipment and someone's hair. There was a remote possibility that perhaps the equipment was Elizabeth's curling tongs and the hair belonged to John. And maybe Rodney decided to introduce them to each other...
It turned out that John didn't like his new poodle perm and decided to get back at Rodney. Quite what he'd done (or for that matter, how the boys had ended up in the Infirmary) was still up for debate, but Carson had gotten all that he could from the pair of them. To teach them both a lesson, he strapped them to their beds and let Laura and Katie give them a makeover.
Rule 724: Books were designed for READING.
The Marines hadn't quite mastered the basic concept behind books - apparently, they preferred to use them as rugby balls/footballs/Frisbees/whatever. Carson took one look at them and sent Bella to deal with them.
Rule 725: Dr Kavanaugh is NOT a human piñata.
A. Stop it.
B. Or I'll sic Fred and Ronon on you.
Some of the expedition had tried to use Kavanaugh as a human piñata. It hadn't ended well, and now the long-haired bane of the Science Department was making Carson's life hell. While Beckett had no problem with Kavanaugh being taught a lesson, he objected to the fact that said education had resulted in the man being stuck in the Infirmary while he healed.
The Scotsman promptly posted this rule then borrowed Angus and Milo. The trio then tracked down the culprits and gave them a taste of their own medicine.
Rule 726: Do not use electromagnets while Milo is around.
Milo was undergoing his monthly maintenance when a group of Rodney's minions decided to test out a brand new electromagnet in the adjoining laboratory. His Ancient systems proved to be immune to the strong magnetic field, but all of his Earth-made parts turned out to be less durable, and were completely scrambled. The Robo-dog switched to full battle mode and went on mad rampage through City's halls and corridors, chasing imaginary Wraith.
Fortunately, his friend-or-foe recognition system was Ancient based so none of Expedition members was directly attacked - but having a big, black mechanical beast bouncing off walls and tearing to pieces any inanimate objects in his way managed to cause an enormous amount of damage and panic. The havoc didn't abate even when Milo finally crashed through one of windows, fell twenty stories down and plunged in the ocean.
Instead, Sheppard and McKay had to hastily organise a retrieval mission before the robot sank too deep (and to make Stackhouse stop wailing like a three year old girl). All of the Infirmary staff was called upon to take care of over thirty victims... and all the members of SGA-2 grabbed stunners and started chasing the guilty physicists around the City.
Rule 727: From now on only Botany Department is allowed to care for plants in the City.
After the incident with Milo, many potted plants were destroyed and needed to be replaced. The scientists responsible for the robo-dog mayhem were assigned to this duty as punishment - which turned out to be a huge mistake on Elizabeth's part. They may well have been Nobel Prize Winner material, but none of the young prodigies knew a thing about plants.
Instead of asking for advice and help from competent persons, the wannabe gardeners simply raided the Botany Department's greenhouses and placed a variety of alien flora specimens haphazardly around the Atlantis.
In less than two hours, the Infirmary was flooded with victims of allergic reactions, plant bites, skin rashes, poisonous thorns and pollens and even strangulation and whipping when the Marines had to fight off particularly aggressive specimen of ivy from MX-450Y. After order was finally restored, Elizabeth shouted at the culprits for over three hours straight, Rodney swore to make their lives Hell after Katie Brown cried on his shoulder for better part of day, and John just stood there glaring ominously with Ronon and host of very bulky and still dishevelled Marines behind him.
Carson, on the other hand, just sat comfortably and watched the fireworks go off.
Rule 728: Teams sent to M7N-210X are not allowed to eat or drink anything natives might offer them.
A. Remember what happened to SGA-2, people?
B. If you don't remember just ask anyone from Gate Room personnel.
After successfully finishing negotiations for mining privileges, the members of SGA-2 drank a traditional ceremonial tea with the Elders of Asida. Unfortunately said tea had unpredicted and delayed side effects on the Earth-born humans. The psychotropic contents of the drink affected their mental processes and forced them to emulate the people that they subconsciously wanted to be like... And as it turned out whole team carried impressive amount of hero-worship toward SGA-1.
As soon as they stepped inside Gate Room Stackhouse hit on Elizabeth, Sgt Estevez expressed her desire to negotiate a trade agreement for most of Atlantis' weapons, Dr Singh loomed threateningly over security detail (which was no small feat for the short and rather pudgy geologist) and Corporal Jenkins tried to steal the City's ZPM.
Before they all crashed and were carried out to Infirmary, the foursome managed to give Expedition a lot of embarrassing blackmail material.
Rule 729: For the love of all things holy, please remember that GRENADES ARE NOT TOYS.
The Marines were in trouble yet again. This time, they'd decided to play catch with what they thought were de-activated grenades...
As it turned out, said explosives were very, very live. After Carson had finished patching them up, he let John and Rodney loose on them and then sold tickets to the rest of the expedition.
Rule 730: Do not attempt to 'borrow' any drugs from the Medicine Cabinet.
Parrish had a headache and had decided to simply 'borrow' a bottle of Tylenol from the Medicine Cabinet in the Infirmary. What he didn't know was that Carson had recently fitted a new alarm system to prevent said 'borrowing'.
When Rodney finally managed to turn it off, Carson found that he had to deal with a now unconscious Parrish, who had managed to perforate his eardrums thanks to the racket made by the burglar alarm. Elizabeth put her foot down and made the Scotsman remove the device.
Rule 731: You are not allowed to use Were Bear toys to freak other people out.
SGA-4 had gotten a stash of Were Bear toys from a recent trip to Earth. That was fine - although it was a little bit troubling that grown men and women had teddy bears, Elizabeth and the rest of the Command Staff figured that if it made them happy and kept them out of trouble, then so be it.
Unfortunately, they hadn't realised that the toys had been smuggled into Atlantis for a rather more insidious plan...
After Kavanaugh was subjected to random 'attacks' from said toys, he locked himself in Lab Six and refused to come out. While most of the expedition thought it was hilarious, the Command Staff were not amused - especially Kate, who now had to see the long-haired chicken on a regular basis to discuss his issues surrounding cuddly toys.
Rule 732: 'South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut' is now banned.
The Marines had taken to singing the infamous Terrence and Phillip song whilst very drunk - in the early hours of the morning. And as if that wasn't bad enough, Rodney had taken the other memorable song ('Blame Canada') rather personally. No one was really sure what made the physicist snap, but the current favourite was that Kavanaugh had decided to sing the 'They're not even a real country' line repeatedly whilst in the presence of McKay. It took both Ronon and John to physically restrain their friend and thus stop him from throttling the pony-tailed idiot.
Rule 733: No allusions to Only Fools and Horses!
Rodney couldn't understand why his computer suddenly started saying 'you plonker!' and Radek was equally clueless... until Carson heard it and lent them an Only Fools DVD. Needless to say, Rodney's reaction wasn't pretty and several people were hospitalised after the physicist went on the rampage.
The British scientists were now all in hiding.
Rule 734: Do not attempt to wake up Ronon.
A. Especially if he's got his blaster with him.
John had done this when the Satedan was late for a briefing. Ronon had been more than a little startled and had fired his blaster directly at the wild-haired Colonel. Luckily, it hadn't been set to 'kill', but it wasn't exactly on 'stun' either.
As it turned out, when the weapon was set halfway between the two settings, it meant that the victim was propelled at considerable speed away from the big man. Unluckily for John, this meant that he was blasted through the wall.
Carson had to be restrained when Ronon carried a very battered looking John into the Infirmary.
Rule 735: From now on, mashed potatoes are to be used only in Mess Hall as a part of a meal.
A. Seriously folks, do you want to piss off cooks?
B. Do you?
By trial and error, the Maintenance Staff found a universal sealant for almost all the leakages in the City. The sticky, gooey and generally unappetizing mashed potatoes did wonders when generously applied on compromised pipes, valves and tanks around Atlantis.
The techs and cooks alike were happy (for different reasons of course) until Rodney noticed unusual amounts of the icky stuff disappearing from the Mess. His unstoppable curiosity led him to one of flooded areas where he found exactly what technicians were doing and why. Then he shared his discovery with his team, and after that, news travelled through the rumour mill's grapevine like lightning until, unavoidably, it reached the Mess Staff's ears.
After three days of cold, inedible meals, riots erupted around the City. The Infirmary became swamped with victims of various food-related illnesses and Elizabeth hastily enforced this new rule.
Rule 736: You are not allowed to insult your co-workers in Alien languages.
A. It is rude and unprofessional.
B. Dr. Weir will understand anyway.
Usually, the Linguists were one of the quieter and fairly normal groups on Atlantis. Regrettably, mused Carson, it was not the case anymore.
As soon as the wormhole closed behind Elizabeth, who going to Earth for an IOA conference, all the Linguists in the City stopped using any Earth languages. Instead, phrases and sentences in Ancient, Goa'uld and even Asgard could be heard in every room and corridor of Atlantis.
Finally, Rodney snapped after Dr. Peters delivered a particularly long and venomous diatribe aimed at him, and ran a translation program on the main computer. As it turned out, the Linguists used the absence of the expedition leader to freely insult just about everyone else in the city and get away with it.
Now, however, with the Ancient systems translating every word in real time, their plan suffered a severe setback. Beckett was completely flabbergasted when his Infirmary became stuffed with patients suffering from bloody noses, black eyes, bruises and scrapes. When he finally learned what caused all the ruckus, it was his turn to yell and curse - in three different languages simultaneously.
Rule 737: You can NOT trade or 'loan' your team mates to get something you want in return.
A. The next person to try that will get one-way ticket to Earth.
It was all SGA-11's resident geek fault.
When he couldn't get permission to enter a temple with store of Ancient artefacts inside, Dr Burns offered to Priests the 'services' of his team mates during an ongoing festival. Of course, caught up in the heat of discovery, he couldn't be bothered to ask exactly what those 'services' would be...
And so, while he was gleefully digging through stacks of Ancient gadgets, the somewhat bewildered Lt DeSoto and Privates Young and Romov were led to the City Hall, relieved of their equipment and uniforms, then covered in paint and feathers, and finally chased around the city by hordes of stick wielding natives. (It would later be discovered that the team were dressed up as the embodiments of evil spirits that needed to be driven away.)
When finally SGA-11 made their way back to Atlantis, DeSoto - who was covered in paint, blood and bruises - promptly knocked his scientist out cold and, ignoring everyone's reactions, stormed out to Infirmary in search of Beckett.
Rule 738: The Science Department are reminded that they are not allowed to build anything without permission.
A. That includes the Biologists.
B. We know it was you.
After the Were Bear fiasco that almost sent Kavanaugh to the funny farm for good, Carson thought that the problem was gone. Unfortunately, the Biologists proved him wrong when they managed to create living replicas of Growler, Grizzler, Gums, Fang and Howler.
While the bears were very small, it turned out that they could cause a LOT of damage, and Carson found himself swamped with victims of bites, scratches and the like. After managing to crush the hysteria (after all, people logically assumed that they'd end up becoming Were Bears if they'd been bitten by one), he tracked the Biologists down.
Several death threats and a moderately violent skirmish later, and the Biologists promised not to make any more Were Bears. As for the 'prototypes' that were still in existence, the Scotsman agreed that as long as they were house-trained, they could stay. (He didn't really have the heart to put the little things down.)
Rule 739: Only Ronon is allowed to train the Were Bears.
The Satedan was very good at keeping the little creatures under control. Unfortunately, John thought he could do just as good a job and 'borrowed' Growler to test out his theory. When he came limping into the Infirmary with the bear still attached to his thigh, he realised that maybe he'd been a bit hasty.
Carson managed to remove Growler without too much damage to either of them. Rodney, meanwhile, found the incident hilarious - and Growler, much to everyone's surprise, took a liking to the physicist. Now Rodney was the proud owner of the Were Bear, while John was trying to get Ronon to finish training Fang so that he could adopt him.
Rule 740: No more snail races.
A. If your men have time for such stupid things maybe you should give them more work, John.
B. You too, Rodney.
The snails from Lantea's mainland were big - almost foot long, in fact - harmless, easy to tend, fairly fast (for a snails), and unerringly crawled towards fresh vegetables. These qualities made them the perfect participants in the newly invented Atlantis Snail Races. Said races were held in a rarely used corridor not far from the Jumper Bay. Two or more snails, a handful of carrots, and Marines and Scientists could have all the fun they wanted...if not for one small detail.
One fateful day, Radek Zelenka accidentally electrocuted himself during Jumper maintenance, and a Med Team rushed to help him. Unfortunately, they took a shortcut through the 'Snail Racecourse'... and completely lost traction on the thick layer of slippery slime left after the last competition.
As a result, not one, but four patients were carried to the Infirmary with broken limbs and various other injuries. And Carson's broken wrist made him AND Elizabeth very, very unhappy.
Rule 741: Chilli eating contests are banned on Atlantis.
A. Hot chilli peppers can be used only in kitchen by authorised personnel.
The competitiveness of the Military contingent of Atlantis just couldn't be contained. After they lost the Snail Races, the Marines found another way to express their need to do manly things. Chilli peppers from Earth and their frighteningly spicy cousins from Pegasus soon sent more of them to the Infirmary than the Wraith on the good day.
Carson quickly got tired with the allergic reactions, indigestion, stomach cramps and foul smell, and demanded an intervention from Elizabeth. Both John and Rodney enthusiastically supported her decision - the first one wanted his men back in shape, while the second lost large sum of money betting.
Rule 742: Usage of any Personal Cloaking Units in the City is strictly forbidden.
A. Honestly, John, shouldn't you know any better?
B. And if you say a word about what you saw I'll feed you to the Wraith personally.
A prototype cloaking unit from one of the Ancient labs plus an Air Force man with an ATA supergene equalled an invisible John Sheppard. Who happened to 'accidentally' wander into the women's shower room...
Carson was not impressed, and neither were the ladies.
Rule 743: Bathing suits are mandatory.
Who would have thought that Atlantis's prim and proper psychiatrist used to sunbathe on her apartment balcony in her birthday suit?
Certainly not Lt Stackhouse and his team, until one sunny day they returned from mainland in Jumper Nine. Taking a turn towards Central Tower, Stackhouse passed by said balcony, got an excellent sight of a VERY naked Dr Heightmeyer sprawled on the blanket and promptly lost all ability to form the coherent thoughts necessary for piloting Ancient crafts.
The Jumper chipped a sizeable chunk off the Central Tower wall, damaged an engine pod after cutting the lightning rod off another building and finally landed on the West Pier with all the grace of falling brick.
Kate was amused. John, Rodney and Elizabeth were furious. The now beet-red Stackhouse went into hiding. The sole victim of this incident was Sgt Estevez - she pulled a muscle laughing at her team leader and had to stay in the Infirmary for the night.
Rule 744: Blackadder is not to be referenced.
A. Or any other TV shows that the North Americans won't understand.
It seemed that the British contingent was trying to drive the rest of the expedition mad. To begin with, Rodney was baffled, especially when his laptop kept insisting that he'd come up with 'a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel'. He was also mystified as to the origins behind the 'Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants' message that had been scrawled on Lab One's whiteboard.
It wasn't until Carson recognised the next quote that everything suddenly made sense. The Command Staff were all in the Conference Room when the wall screen suddenly blinked into life. 'This is a crisis', the screen declared in bold print. 'A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve story crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24 hour portage and an enormous sign on the roof saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'.'
The rest of the Command Staff were not amused, especially since they were in the middle of, well, a crisis. After they'd dealt with said emergency, Carson posted this rule to make sure that nobody else got any bright ideas.
Then he had to go and break up a fight involving John, Rodney, Elizabeth and some of the British Geologists.
Rule 745: Top Gear is also banned.
A. You were asking for it, people.
B. Colonel Sheppard and Doctor McKay cause enough chaos as it is.
C. They don't need any more encouragement, especially not from the likes of Clarkson, May and Hammond.
The British personnel had managed to work their way to the very top of the Command Staff's shit list. This time, they'd introduced John and Rodney to Top Gear - and the boys had been inspired.
Normally, getting someone to watch the car show wouldn't have been a traumatic experience... but then again, most people weren't an adrenaline junkie who happened to be best friends with a genius.
After watching the episode in which the guys were challenged to build aquatic cars, John and Rodney decided that they wanted to have a go. After all, they reasoned, they were living in a city that floated on top of a vast ocean. However, they never got a chance to test out their newest 'toy' - Radek had ratted them out to Carson, who had locked them in the Isolation ward, claiming it was for their own good.
Rule 746: Amphibious cars are now banned.
After Elizabeth made Carson release John and Rodney from Isolation, the boys decided to get a little payback on the good doctor and his fink, Zelenka. So, they built another amphibious car and challenged the pair to a race around the city. Stupidly, Carson and Radek agreed, believing that their friends just needed to get it out of their system.
What they didn't know, however, was that the boys had a little 'surprise' in store for them...
After a lap and a half, Beckett and Zelenka's 'boat' started making odd noises from the engine department. After three more laps, the vessel began taking on copious amounts of water. And two laps after that, it decided that it had suffered enough abuse and promptly started to sink.
When they were eventually fished out of the ocean by a very smug looking John and Rodney, they weren't overly impressed to discover that they'd have to be admitted to the Infirmary. Their bad moods weren't helped when it came to light that their boat had been built to fall apart.
Elizabeth had to get Lorne and Ronon in to break up the fight.
Rule 747: Never EVER say 'How hard can it be?' in front of Doctor Beckett.
Even after being nearly decapitated by an irate Scotsman, John and Rodney couldn't resist winding their friend up. Following on from the Top Gear-inspired insanity of amphibious cars, they had decided that their new catchphrase should be 'How hard can it be?' rather than their usual offering of 'What could possibly go wrong?'.
Unfortunately, when they tried their newest excuse, Carson went ballistic and both men had to run to avoid being the victims of Scottish wrath. As it turned out, it was actually VERY HARD INDEED to recreate the Holodeck from the Star Trek series - and that the explosion that followed was not appreciated by the rest of the expedition.
Rule 748: Don't mess with Growler.
A. Fang and the other Were Bears don't like it.
B. Milo, Fred and Angus don't like it either.
C. Rodney WILL kill you - and it WILL be slow and painful.
The Geologists decided to get back at Rodney after the Canadian let loose with a scathing diatribe after they managed to blow up part of Lab Four. They bear-napped Growler and held him to ransom, demanding that Rodney apologise publicly or the bear would 'get it'.
Strangely enough, Rodney wasn't best pleased and promptly came to his little bear's rescue, armed with John, Carson, Stackhouse, Fred, Fang, Milo and Angus. As it turned out, the original pets were rather fond of their newest arrivals and vice versa...
Two hours later, and Growler was back with Rodney, none the worse after his 'adventure'. Unfortunately, the same couldn't be said for the Geologists, who were finding it incredibly difficult to speak without screaming.
Rule 749: Crew members are reminded that they are not allowed to tamper with the door controls.
Rodney and John still weren't amused after Growler's bear-napping, and decided to teach the Geologists one more lesson. They had a word with Growler and Fang, then locked the Were Bears in Lab Four with the still-in-shock scientists... and left them in there for six hours.
It wasn't until Elizabeth threatened to resort to violence that the boys relented and agreed to open the doors. Unfortunately, the Ancient controls had had enough after repeated abuse and forced openings and went on strike. John had to get the heavy duty cutting equipment out before the Geologists were freed.
Carson wasn't impressed when he saw the state of them. On the bright side, they'd stopped screaming. On the other hand, they now weren't talking - AT ALL. Heightmeyer had a field day trying to fix them, while Elizabeth and Carson took John and Rodney aside to have a diplomatic 'discussion' with them.
Rule 750: You are not allowed to randomly lock people in the Drunk Tank.
A. Especially if they're sober.
Radek and Rodney had a fight that resulted in the Czech locking the Canadian in the city's drunk tank. Rodney was not amused - and neither was John, who had to rescue his geek. Radek, meanwhile, had gone into hiding after making Carson swear to keep said hiding place a secret.
Carson, however, had other plans and promptly pointed out the engineer's lair to the boys. He then raked in an absolute fortune on a betting ring that had mysteriously opened concerning the method of payback that would be inflicted on Radek.
Amazingly, the Czech was unharmed after everything. The only casualty was Carson, who was in his own Infirmary suffering from a mild concussion. As it turned out,
Elizabeth got wind of his little 'scheme' and had made him aware of her displeasure.
The woman really did have a mean right hook.
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