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Letters from your hearts to ours, and ours to yours
I read your letters on the Hope After Abortion website and I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are hurting. You have been through a very painful experience. Abortion is a life changing event, and you are not alone in your suffering. There are people available to speak with who understand your grief and can help you through this difficult time. Project Rachel is a ministry that helps those suffering because of a past abortion. We understand the wound in your heart and can help you see that healing is available for you too. Remember, Jesus Christ's mercy and forgiveness are available for all people, even those who have had an abortion. Our confidential phone number is 1-888-456-HOPE. Please give us a call. You don't have to suffer alone.
…It All Hurts…I was 18 years old when I was manipulated and calculated into marrying my ex husband. He was a marine and told me that he loved me and wanted so badly to start a family with me. A couple of months after our wedding I found out I was pregnant. Scared the living daylights out of me because I knew I was young, but I had a loving husband to support me right? Wrong. I ended up becoming very excited about this baby. I had a name picked out and could just feel that she was going to be a beautiful little girl. Unfortunately I lost her a couple of weeks later and only God knows why. I have never felt such emotional or physical pain in my life. What a horror. I figured my life was too stressful for a child at the time anyways so maybe it was better that I just let her go and always remember her as my first baby. My husband was sad, but more relieved when it happened.
Another couple of months went by and my marine of a husband was still sweet and kind to me. Once again I found out I was pregnant. A second chance! This time around I was not scared and so sure that this baby was meant for me. I wanted it so badly and knew I would be a fantastic mother, even if I had my doubts in the first place with baby girl #1 and even if I was young. So I told my husband the good news as soon as I found out, and I have never heard someone so disappointed in my life. He tried convincing me that him and I both weren't ready for a baby. He was going over seas soon and wanted to be there for the baby and I. He didn't want to miss out on any of the process which I thought was very sweet at first, but I look back now and see how selfish and completely wrong he was for saying that. My ex husband told me I wasn't eating healthy enough anyways being in college and he wanted me to focus on my school so I should probably just get an abortion. It was November, my freshman year of college 2007 when I first took those little white pills. I have never been so sick in my life.
Not only was I convinced to get an abortion once, but it happened two more times. I felt so irresponsible and like the scum of the earth to do that to three little babies. But every time I just completely shut off all emotion. Went to the clinic like I had no sorrow or remorse for anything I was about to do. They ask you if you have any religious reasons why you shouldn't continue with the proceedure and of course I lied. If I said yes they wouldn't have continues and I would have felt the wrath of my husband which was no better. You know they only do abortions on Wednesdays here and everyone else is in the waiting room, holding out for the same experience. But you don't bond with those ladies, especially when you are there by yourself. I was so ashamed to have my face seen there because everyone knew what was going on. Not only was I being judged by myself, my husband and God, but by the other women and their men sitting in that room. Abortion is definitely something that you want to go through alone, but shouldn't. And where was my husband this whole time? At work. Calling me every half an hour to ask if I had taken the pills or if I had started bleeding yet.
I remember sitting in the empty bathtub, a stream of blood running to the drain, holding this tiny mass of tissue in my hand. This tiny mass that could not be mistaken for anything else but a helpless baby. And not just one, but three times. No one can be right after that. I sat there for hours, crying and puffy eyed, holding the tiny body in my fingers wondering what have I done. Thinking about how beautiful and healthy this child would have been. What his or her name would have been and the color of their hair. How they would look and grow up to be something amazing. I would think about those little eyes looking at me and loving me unconditionally because I was their mommy, not anyone else. But I took that chance away from them. They would never get to experience all the wonderful things that life brings. The only thing they knew was pain…because their father didn't want them and their mother was too passive to fight for them. I worry about God not forgiving me. Especially after three. But I worry even more about them not forgiving me. The one person in the world who is supposed to love and protect them couldn't. I betrayed them and myself for ever listening to that guy. I think about them every day, praying that whatever they are doing now they are happy and don't hate me. Some time later my husband divorced me after he felt so inclined to inform me that I was never really good enough anyway and he never really loved me. He married me because he thought he could 'help' me but then realized I wasn't worth giving up any more of his time or youth for. Yes I still hurt because of him, but I hurt even more for what he convinced me to do. Why couldn't I fight for them? It makes me feel unworthy to ever be a mother. And who could care about or love someone who can't protect her own flesh? I need someone to talk to me… I avoid the pain and bury it deep, but it is still there. I am now 22 years old and need to heal. I feel like it has been a life time of regret, but it has only been a little over three years. Why did I do it? Babies…please forgive me, I still love you and I know I have a horrible way of showing it.
Dear friend,
Thank you, for sharing your story via our website. I am so very sorry for all of your losses. You have been through so much pain and suffering and at the same time you are so wise. You mentioned that you need to talk to someone and that you need to heal. This is so true and so wise of you to realize and then brave of you to admit, first to yourself and then to me and all our readers. Thank you, for leaving me your e-mail address because this will provide a way for me to respond to you further tomorrow. Your post is the beginning of your healing. Until we are able to have some e-mail exchange, I encourage you to be good to yourself: take time to do things you enjoy, things that usually make you feel happy (even if you do not feel happy right now) – watch an uplifting movie or TV show, read a book or magazine, take little cat naps during the day if you are having difficulty sleeping at night. A brief word about having had three abortions – God can forgive this and I know from my work with women who have had three or more abortions, your little ones will forgive you too and one day you will be able to receive this forgiveness from them and from God. I look forward to e-mailing you tomorrow and helping you find a local post-abortion healing ministry. Please know that you are in my prayers.
I don't know where to begin. My story is a long one. I was 15 when I got pregnant. It was just expected that I would marry the baby's father so we got married. Immediately after we got married he started talking about getting an abortion. When I look back now he really pressured me and brainwashed me into thinking that it was the right thing. He convinced me to lie to my family and friends and tell them I lost the baby. He drove me to get the abortion but didn't want me using his last name so I used my maiden name. He wouldn't go in with me so I was totally alone. I remember while I was waiting for "my turn" crying my eyes out. That was 33 years ago. I never knew that there was a name for what I became after the abortion until I watched an episode on "Touched By An Angel" the other night. I never shared my story with anyone. I was too ashamed. I have never had a friend to get close enough to be able to confide in. I have never told anyone until now. I have been so alone since then. I stayed married to this man for 17 years, the whole time him telling me that I deserved the abuse he gave me. He physically and mentally abused me for years and I still think I deserved it. He turned my son against me when I finally got the courage to divorce him. He even used the fact that I had an abortion to try to gain custody of my children. I married again (big mistake) because I still think I don't deserve to be treated good. I am seeing a married man now and never ask anything from him. Why??? Because I don't deserve anything better! I do think about dying a lot. I have never tried suicide but I think about it. The pain just won't end. I pray for relief but it never comes. I have lived for so long with a broken heart that won't heal, a heart that no one can love, and a soul screaming for release from this body. I can't get help for it because I won't admit what I did much less talk about it. Just typing this makes me want to scream but I don't. I can't take the chance that someone will know that I am hurting. Where does it end?
Dear pain that never ends,
Thank you, for trusting me – the person who read and is responding to your post. You started out saying you didn't know where to begin and then you were able to push through and share deep pains in your heart and life. While you have suffered greatly in life and are wondering, "where it ends," you have shown a great strength within you by typing some of what you have gone through and some of what you are experiencing. I am so sorry that when you were only 15 years old, your husband pressured you into having an abortion, abandoned you to go through with the procedure alone and then went on to abuse you for 17 years. This is a lot to go through. Please take my encouragement that you are a strong woman who can recover from all that you have gone through. It is common for people who have been traumatized and who consistently received abuse from someone who is supposed to protect and love them, to feel like they don't deserve good things, in life.
Despite the horrible suffering in your life, you do deserve good things and you can heal. I consider your post a step in the right direction to your becoming whole. I think it ends, with your making decisions to seek after goodness, even when you feel like you don't deserve better. Please take the next step and contact a Project Rachel Ministry in your local area, for help in this healing journey. We are not meant to go through life and especially suffering alone. There are good people out there who have made this journey themselves and with others like yourself. Click on "Where to Find Help," on this website and then click on the area of the map that you reside. Give the local contact person a call or e-mail and continue this journey. Also know that suicidal thoughts are common amongst people who have experienced abortions. Because you find yourself "thinking about dying a lot," it makes it even more important for you to get connected with a local Project Rachel Ministry so you can have the support of a community of people who understand and care. If ever these thoughts become overwhelming or even more serious, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. You will also find on our website info about national suicide hotlines: United States of America – National Suicide Hope Line – 1-800-784-2433. United Kingdom – 08457 90 90 90 orwww.samaritans.org.uk. Assistance is available in over 40 other countries through www.suicide-helplines.org.
Know that I have been praying for you and will continue to keep you in my prayers that you reach out for further help. Please let me know what happens.
I am so devastated. Just this week I took drugs to end an early pregnancy. I so wish I could reverse time to two days ago. I am 40 years old with two beautiful children whom I had trouble conceiving. I tried for years to get pregnant and eventually turned to fertility treatment (IVF). After having my children, we used no birth control and hoped to get pregnant on our own. After six years with no luck, I finally accepted the fact that these were the only children I would have. I convinced myself that I didn't want anymore kids and that my family was perfect just the way it is. My gynecologist told me that I was peri-menoupausal. Less than two weeks ago, I missed my period. I took a test and it was positive. I panicked because I just finished medication that one should not take when pregnant, I haven't been taking vitamins, I have been trying to lose weight and haven't been eating well. I have no maternity insurance and would require a c-section. I didn't think, I immediately made an appointment with a clinic. They got me in the next day. They did an ultrasound and saw a sac but told me it was unrecognizable…just a mass of cells. Because I was so early, it would be just like having a period if I took the medicine. So stupidly, I did. I regretted it immediately. Now, I am bleeding, it's like my period was just 10 days late. But I know the truth…I just killed a baby. It was like I was in a daze and I just woke up. Why didn't I wait and think about this? Why did I act so quickly? I am so selfish! I justified my thoughts by saying that I would probably miscarry anyway and it would be worse to be farther along when it happened. Why didn't I wait? Maybe if I had seen a heartbeat, I would have woken up. Now, it's got me thinking about the embryos that were destroyed after my IVF procedure. They were lives killed too. How can God ever forgive someone like me? He gave me a blessed gift and I just threw it back at him. What kind of a monster am I? I deserve to die. Whey did I think this wouldn't affect me? Whey did I think it would be so easy? What's wrong with me? God, please forgive me and help me.
Dear K—,
Thank you for writing and sending your post. What you are going through right now sounds so painful. I am so sorry for your losses. While these moments are so very difficult, it is good that you are facing what happened. What will help things get better over time is engaging in a post-abortion healing ministry in your local area. Project Rachel Ministry exists to help women like yourself, who went through ending an early pregnancy as well as embryos that were destroyed after IVF procedures. There are caring people out here who are willing to journey with you as you continue to face what has happened, what led you there, and one day become whole. You can find the nearest Project Rachel Ministry on this website by clicking on "Where to Find Help," and then click on the section of the map that is in your area. You will find a Project Rachel Ministry close to where you live. During this difficult time, you should not be alone. You need to be with people who understand and care. You will find this in Project Rachel Ministry.
Near the end of your post you shared many difficult questions and it sounds like these are running through your head, likely over and over again. Know that you are not alone in these thoughts. Many women have been where you are, asking these very hard questions and feeling so alone. Also many women have found answers to these questions. I believe in you, K—, to find the answers to these questions, with the help of our loving and merciful God. While you may not be able to believe right now that God could forgive you, please let me believe that for you so that you can continue to take courage and make the next step in your healing journey. In the midst of these questions, you stated, that you deserve to die. Many post-abortive women struggle with suicidal thoughts and think that they deserve to die because of what they have done. This is not true – it is not what God has for you. You can one day have happiness back in your life. I know well, our God, who you wrote to in your last line and I know He heard you and is happy that you came to him for forgiveness. God will be with you, helping you in your healing through your local Project Rachel Ministry. I will be praying for you.
I am almost 55 years old… Over the course of my life I had four abortions…My life is ruined. I have been depressed, suicidal, guilt-ridden for 24 years-once I woke up and realized I had to grow up and take responsibility for my life. I beg everyday for forgiveness, have received absolution through confession in the Catholic Church many years ago. I can't receive it. I cannot believe God would forgive the life I have lived. I have broken every vow, every commandment. I spend every day of my life feeling unworthy of friendship, love, or happiness. I am isolated. I am lonely. I have no hope. No one knows the whole story of my life. I awake every morning with thoughts of my ruined life, and lay in bed every night reliving the horrible decisions I have made.I have been married for many years. He is a good man, a good father and I have tried to be a good wife. But I can't believe he loves me, can't be happy, can't trust him. I fear I am ruining his life, too.
Dear friend,
Thanks for all you shared with us. It takes great courage to open these painful places. I am so sorry for all you have been through in life and for your losses. Know that you are not alone in so much of what you have been experiencing. It is common, for women who have abortions in their past, to have suicidal thoughts. If you are currently suffering with these thoughts, please contact the national suicide hotline at 1-800-784-2433 or over the Internet at www.suicide-helplines.org It is so good that you went to the Sacrament of Reconciliation and have received absolution. It is also common for women to feel like they cannot receive this forgiveness from God. In time, in your own healing journey, it is possible for you to know in your heart, God's total forgiveness of your past mistakes. Many women also struggle in their relationships with their husbands. This too can be healed as you heal more the wounds of abortion.
Please muster up that courage, I know you have within you, to take the next step to recovering from this deep pain. You will find, in contacting a local Project Rachel Ministry, people who care about you feeling better in your life. By processing this pain and sorrow with in Project Rachel Ministry, you will find more peace and others who also know personally the experiences you have lived through. On our website you can find local help by clicking on the map, under "Where to Find Help," I believe in you, friend, and wish you all the best as you heal. Know of my prayers for you.
I had an abortion at 19. I am 32 now with 2 children and it eats me up inside. I look at my two beautiful babies and I wonder if the child I terminated would look like them, would he or she enjoy the same things they do? Can he/she ever forgive me for what I did. I feel like I should apologize to my children for taking away their chance at an older sibling, for making such a horrible decision. I was so afraid of telling my parents that I was pregnant and so unsure of what the future held; so not able to take care of myself, let alone someone else. I wish someone had been there to tell me to step back and think through this decision. To tell me that the guilt, shame and hurt never go away. However, I went to confession for the first time today and what an amazing feeling. It felt so right to let someone know I was suffering. Not a day goes by that I do not think of my unborn child, that I do not feel ashamed and heartbroken. Today I can forgive myself, but I will not forget you my innocent child. I pray that God takes better care of you than I ever could have. Thank you for letting me share.
This story is not my own but my daughter's. Last month my daughter aborted 9 week twins…. they were from an affair she had. I am devastated but I know that God brings healing and forgiveness. I am praying that my daughter will in time forgive herself and receive the love, salvation and forgiveness God longs to give to her. I also pray for myself, that I will be filled with compassion and not be judgmental with my daughter and all other women who have made this choice. I look forward to seeing these unborn children when I come into Gods kingdom, and I pray they recognize me as grandma. Thank you for allowing me to share.Thank you for sharing your painful story. I am sorry for the loss of your grandchildren. This is loss is very real – abortion hurts men, women, grandparents, aunts, uncles, entire families. It would be very beneficial for you to seek help and perhaps talk to a priest or counselor at Project Rachel to help you in your healing and mourning process. Eventually, after completing a healing process you can be ready to guide your daughter towards healing and forgiveness. Be patient though, healing only begins when she's ready to look at a very painful part of her life. This might take a while, although, if you notice symptoms such as depression, anxiety, panic attacks, you might want to tell her about Project Rachel.
To find out where your local Project Rachel office is, click on "Where to Find Help." Compassionate, experienced, caring people are ready to assist.
God bless,
Hi, Its been 32 years today since I had my abortion. I was 17 at the time and a junior in high school. My boyfriend and I had been dating for about 5 months when I found out I was pregnant. His parents were furious and refused to let him see or talk to me again. My parents took me to the doctor for the abortion. I know that God has forgiven me and I have even forgiven those involved that talked me into having the abortion. I've also forgiven my former boyfriend and his parents for their part in the matter. I went on to marry later and have 4 grown successful children. I have never told my husband or my children about this terrible part of my life though. I guess its because I still feel ashamed that I was not strong enough to stand up for what I believed in at the time. I feel sad now because I keep this secret in my heart but I don't know if my family would understand. Reading your messages here helps me to cope with my feelings. You all CAN understand and writing my story here has helped me to release my sadness. Thank you for being here for me today.
Dear K,
Thank you for sharing you story on our website and I'm glad you found it comforting to know that you're not alone. I hope your story gives hope to those suffering for many years with this pain & shame. The truth is that you made a mistake at a very young age and didn't have much support and I'm sorry you had to go through that. It is good that you have forgiven all those involved – now it's time to find healing and peace.
I urge you to contact a local Project Rachel office by clicking on "Where to Find Help." There are kind, compassionate people who are ready to help you. No one will judge you. There is a proven healing process that can move you along. You have taken some steps already by writing your story and forgiving those that took part in this.
God is merciful and loving. He knows your heart and wants you to find peace. Your child is safe & well and in His loving care. I pray that you find the courage to make the call.
It is not necessary to reveal this part of your life with your family. It's a personal decision. After concluding your healing process you'll be in a different place in your life & perhaps ready to share your new found peace with your parents and tell them about Project Rachel – there's help for them too.
Your friend,
on dec 3 2009 i had an abortion. i was 13 weeks pregnant, i went to one clinic and they said they couldnt do it because i was to far along. so i had to go out of town and get it done. at first when the first clinic said they couldnt do i had it in my head that it was a sign to keep my baby but in the end i just couldnt. even after seeing my baby and hearing the heartbeat i still had an abortion. i feel like the worst person in the world. i killed my baby and i will never forgive myself for doing that. everyday and night all i think about is what i did. i thought my reasons for having an abortion were the right ones but now i dont think they were if i could take it back i would. i dont think ill ever be the same again. i still have the ultasound picture of my baby. this was the hardest thing i have ever did. also i had to lie to my family and tell them that i had an miscarried because they wouldnt understand. i will never have another abortion again. i dont even think i will ever want to have kids. i was a mom for three months and i ended up killing my child. i dont know what to do anymore.
Dear friend,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have been through a lot & I am so sorry to hear how much you are suffering – thank God you've reached out. What you are feeling is normal; many who have been in your situation have written to share the pain they have endured after their abortion.
Since this is so recent, it is important to take care of yourself physically right now. Your body has been through a lot and it needs to heal. Try to stay away from junk food, especially sugary ones. Protein would be helpful – peanuts, cold meats, cheese are some good snacks. If you're having trouble sleeping try short naps, 20 minutes would be beneficial. It is also important to see a doctor to make sure all is well.
There is no need to go through this alone. I urge you to contact Project Rachel in your area by clicking on "Where to Find Help" on our website and begin the healing process – compassionate, non-judgmental people are available to help you.
God is merciful and loving. He knows what you're going through and understands. Never doubt His unconditional love for you. Reach out to Him – He's waiting for you to do that – He will answer you. Your child is safe & well and in His loving care.
Although it may be hard to imagine, forgiveness & peace can be found. It may be a long or short process but it's there for you – many can witness to that.
You are a child of God. He created you with a purpose – try to find that – His plan is perfect and if you follow Him you will find true happiness.
If you can, let me know how you're doing & if you reached out for help. I will be praying for you.
It will be a year in one week that i had my abortion. My heart is still burdened with sorrow and i have yet to reach a place of peace in my mind.When i had first found out of my pregnancy i was more scared then anything. But the pain i saw in my partners eyes gave me more anxiety. He saw this as a situation that would ruin his life and future. He told me that if i went through with the pregnancy i would end up alone and my family would turn from me. at the time my vulnerability got the best of me and i believed him. I did it, using my own money for it, and was left alone. cause as i later found out the reason he wanted it was he had been accepted into a college that was 8 hrs away from where we lived and he didn't want to lose a great opportunity for himself.
I am 20 years old still living with the hurt and regret of what i committed. when i was 16 years old i traveled to _________ to the national catholic youth conference. here i made a promise to god that i would fight for the unborn and give all beings an opportunity to live. instead of standing by my God and heart, i stood by a man that would leave me a month later for someone he met at his job. i still have a hard time sleeping and find myself indulging in other bad habits. i have dropped out of college and am living at home.
but i have not given up on the search for the light from God that maybe there is a hope for a better tomorrow for me. my prayers are with you all as i hope yours are with me. May you all be safe and God bless you.
Dear C–,
Thank you for contacting us at Hope After Abortion and sharing your story with us. By doing this you have taken a step in your healing. What is so inspiring in your words is that although you are hurting, you still believe that there is a "light from God that maybe there is a hope for a better tomorrow." You are right, there IS hope for you and for all that are in this situation!
You see, Jesus came for sinners, to give hope to all who are in darkness, to be a sign of hope and light. When He was here on earth His own disciples were less than perfect, yet He chose them, He taught them right from wrong and asked them to change their ways, and if they erred, to come back to Him and ask for forgiveness where He would be waiting.
What you are feeling is normal, especially as you approach the anniversary date of the abortion. Abortion is a very traumatic experience – it affects you physically, emotionally and spiritually. You have suffered a loss but have not mourned – you don't have to do this alone. Please reach out for help by clicking on "Where to Find Help" and searching the area you live at, you can locate a Project Rachel office and get some local resources. Compassionate people who understand your pain can guide you in your healing. Many others have experienced the pain and suffering you are enduring right now and eventually have healed from the wounds of abortion – there is hope for you too.
C–, know that you can entrust your child to God's care and that He loves you unconditionally and forgives you. . . . He knows all you have been through and still loves you – don't ever doubt it. Perhaps someday you can inspire others with your story of healing, you have been there, but still have hope in a merciful God. He has a plan for you!
I will keep you in my prayers – make the call.
At seventeen, I became pregnant by my boyfriend of two years. Our relationship was falling apart, as he had developed a new circle of friends, heavy drugs and was unfaithful.
My thoughts and emotions immediately went into panic mode, concerned about his not wanting the baby or I. I also had other concerns, such as the possible effects his drug use had on the fetus, as well as the sexually transmitted disease he had passed on to me.
Added pressures were thoughts of my parents disappointment, embarrassment and heartache. Would they disown me? How would I support this child?
I went to a family planning clinic and was told about abortion clinics in California. Because of my irregular menstral periods, I had no idea how far along I was, until going to the clinic. I had a week or two to have the abortion, before I was too far along for one. A friend and I went to California, where I did have the abortion.
Once the procedure was done, all panic dissipated. Decades of shame and guilt followed, with periodic thoughts of suicide, feeling that I was already damned. The realization came too late that I had plenty of options, including adoption. I know now that my parents would have supported both the child and I and that we all would have dearly loved the child, (I have always felt it was a girl and named her Ashley Eden).
Over the years I continually went to confession. A priest once told me, "GOD has forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself. You are putting yourself through your own purgatory". I could not bring myself to accept forgiveness and would spend hours in the chapel with the tabernacle, keeping vigil with our Savior and begging for the forgiveness that HE had already given.
I later had two sons and battled demons in my head, who told me that I didn't deserve to have such beautiful children, that I was unworthy. I taught Sunday School, Bible Study, First Eucharist and other classes, yet refused to practice what I preached.
In my forties, I encountered other women who were going through the same trials of self hatred and shame. It was in soothing them that I realized fully GOD's loving grace and forgiveness. I was one of HIS lost sheep who had been found, as were these other women.
GOD has forgiven my horrible act. My child is with HIM at peace. I can only hope, trust and pray that my story reaches out to others, preventing even one person from the life long tribulation that I put on myself.
Receive and love the child that HE has blessed you with. If you have had an abortion, accept HIS forgiveness, and carry on the rest of your life with the dignity and respect that is fitting for a child of CHRIST. Make that change in yourself.
Be HIS light in this world. Last but not least, I know that GOD has forgiven me because once I truly accepted HIS forgiveness and mercy, HE blessed me beyond all imagination in more ways that I have pages to write. That is my hope for you reading this, as well. For love of HIM, Our blessed Mother and your child, accept HIS blessings upon you. Love and forgive yourself, as well as all your brothers and sisters in CHRIST.
Dear Friend,
Thank you for writing and sharing your beautiful story of hope & forgiveness. The pain after abortion is clearly one of the most difficult to overcome and can keep one from moving forward in life and most importantly closer to God. I congratulate you in persevering in your healing and not letting yourself be held back and accepting God's infinite mercy. I am sure your child's prayers were key also in achieving your peace. That is very comforting to know – through the intercession of aborted children, we can be assured that God will continue to knock on people's hearts and move them to seek help. These children don't hold grudges but only know how to love. May your story inspire others in the same situation to seek help and persevere in their healing process.
i had my abortion two days ago. I am 17 and I am graduating catholic high school in a week ( along with prom..etc.). I have a scholarship to a great catholic college. Those were my reasons for having an abortion. I am writing to tell you to think twice before an abortion!!!! I am so sad and I really didnt want to do this. When i first went to the clinic I expected to be under 12 weeks but it turned out i was about 14. I hated doing it and I feel disgusting. Nobody knows except my boyfriend and best friend. My boyfriend wants to pretend like nothings wrong and my best friend doesnt really understand. The only reason I did this is so I would be a dissappointment to everyone in my life, but now i feel like more of a dissappoitnment than ever.I dont think this pain will ever go away knowing that I was a mother, who not only let her child die, but MADE her child die. I wish I could take it back and be a stronger person who stood up for her childs life.
Dear Friend,
Thank you for writing and sharing your heart ache with us. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss! What you are feeling is normal, extremely painful but normal.Your abortion is very recent, so please be gentle with yourself. You are experiencing all the feelings and questions that come with the loss of a pregnancy under these circumstances.
Since you are so very close to the experience. It is very important that you take good physical care of yourself right now so you can recover. Try to rest as much as you can. This is a shock to your body. It may be hard to rest considering it is prom and graduation, but you must make an effort to recover. Be sure to follow the instructions concerning taking your antibiotics, physical activity and your follow up visit. It is not a good idea to indulge in alcohol during the "celebrations". Alcohol is a depressant and could make you feel much worse.
I recognize that you probably don't have an appetite but try to eat a small portion of protein several times a day–just the size of the palm of your hand–poultry, cold meat, cheese, beef, pork, fish. Protein is needed to help our body heal and it will help to stabilize your blood sugar as well. If you are having trouble sleeping, try to catch 20 minute cat naps. These will take the edge off not being able to sleep. Make at least a little exercise part of your routine everyday. Exercise will help you to feel better but do not overdo it until you feel up to it.
The experience after an abortion is often like a tidal wave–you are almost swept under with all the feelings and the questions and the physiological aftermath. I urge you to turn to God and ask for the help you need right now. Give God permission to help you! He will support you during this time if you turn to Him. I recommend going to Confession and telling Our Lord how sorry you are for not having the strength to follow your heart.
College is looming and with it the fun and experience of becoming an adult. Please pray for strength to live a chaste life. Understand that healing is available for you too, and you don't have to live your life in disappointment. If you want to talk, please call Project Rachel @ 1-800-5-WE-CARE or1-888-456-HOPE.
God bless you my friend,
I had my abortion just over 2 weeks ago. I am in my mid 40's and was very excited about my pregnancy. My partner said he "tried to give excited" a chance, but it didn't come for him. After much coersion by my parents, adult children and partner, I terminated my pregnancy. I am haunted with dreams and emotional suffering of the choice I made, self betrayal of my own core issues. When I look at my partner, in his late 40's, I am filled with resentment and hatred. I feel that his casual acceptance of it all is a clear indication of his lack of respect for the life we created.
I am trying to move on with counseling and taking one day at a time, but I feel that the best choice I can finally make for myself is to leave this relationship and find a man that truly respects my real right to choose, which would have been to have this baby.
Dear Friend,
Thanks for contacting hope after abortion. I am sorry that your family did not support your decision to have your baby. You have suffered a very tangible loss, but with help you can tackle your guilt and learn to forgive yourself. There are proven steps of healing that will help free you of the resentment and hatred that weighs on your soul. Please contact Project Rachel, a confidential healing ministry, at 1-800-5WECARE or 1-888-456-HOPE.
Your friend,
I was a college student and dating my boyfriend for a little over a year when I found out that I was pregnant. For over a month I prayed to God that this was not happening to us. The first person I called was my sister. She kept asking me what I was going to do and if I was going to tell our parents. I was so scared of what might happen that I made the decision to have an abortion. I felt horrible with my decision as soon as I picked up the phone. After making the appointment I thought that I was going to die. I never went to my appointment and I felt wonderful with that decision. I ended up telling my parents and moving back in with them. They helped me with my pregnancy and with my beautiful baby boy.Six months later, when I thought that my boyfriend and I were being very careful I found out that I was pregnant again! I was so upset. My parents had told me that if I got pregnant again before I was married that I would be kicked out of the house. I had no other choice but to have an abortion. When I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant he encouraged me to do it, so that way it wouldn't ruin my life or his and our little boy's. So after making the appointment, we went to the clinic. The whole time I was there I was trying to justify my decision saying that I couldn't raise another baby while I was struggling to raise one infant. Everyone at the clinic kept telling me that it was my decision and that noone had the right to judge me. After it was all over I felt sick to my stomach from the feeling of knowing that I had just killed my daughter.
After a few months my boyfriend told me that he never really wanted me to have the abortion and that he felt really bad for telling me to go through it. We both cried for a really long time about the decision and for our daughter. I still cry and think about her everyday. I think of what she would look like and how old she would be. I know that God has forgiven me, even when I think that I can't forgive myself. Someday I will be with her and I will never let her go. For now I have a son to raise and I will always hold her close to my heart and mind.
Dear friend,
Thank you for contacting the Hope after Abortion website. My name is Maryanne and I work with a post abortion healing ministry called Project Rachel. Please know how sorry I am for your loss. Your story is very sad and common. Many young women abort against their better judgment or intuition because the man involved, or her family does not offer support. You are displaying symptoms of depression and other emotional effects of having an abortion. We call these post abortion stress or aftermath, and they are all very normal. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your daughter. Believe that she is with the Lord and ask for her forgiveness. These are a few of the steps of healing, there are others as well. With time and effort, you can walk these steps and learn to find peace from this experience. This doesn't mean forgetting your child; it means overcoming the guilt you feel and becoming a joyful person.
Ask God for the graces to be able to forgive yourself. You made a mistake – the abortion was wrong – but that doesn't mean you are a bad person. We may do bad things, but we cannot be bad because we are made in the image of God. You are a young lady who deserves dignity and respect. Pray for the strength to accept God's great mercy and compassion.
Please call 1-800-5WE-Care, or 1-888-456-HOPE to find someone who can help you through steps of healing. There are many compassionate non-judgmental people available to help you. You may also contact me and we can "chat" via email. You are not alone. God bless you, my friend, you are in my prayers.
Your friend,
It's been 13yrs to the day that I made that horrible decision to end one of my children's lives. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good until I realized its March 28th. I think of my child, I wonder what type of person my child would've been, I wonder what color hair and eyes he would've had. These thoughts continually race through my mind as I sit here writing this to you. I know God has forgiven me for this sin that I have committed but it is so hard for me to forgive myself. Wow 13yrs later and I still haven't forgiven myself. I live with this shame, guilt and disgust everyday of my life. No I may not think of it everyday but on this day it hits me like a ton of bricks! I pray that someone listens to me, I pray that other young women listen, don't believe anyone who says this won't be with you for the rest of your life. I am a living witness, it does live on, the pain does live on, the guilt, the shame, all of it will be here, there's no escape from it!!!!
Dear friend,
Thank you for having the courage to share your grief with us. Your long term anguish is normal for an unhealed woman. Accepting forgiveness from God is one of the steps of healing, but we can help you forgive yourself as well. Healing does not mean forgetting your child. Healing helps you to accept the past and your failings. It allows you to work through your guilt and shame and truly accept God's divine mercy. So many others have been where you are and healed. Help is available for you too! It is a touching experience to witness the peace of God in action. Please contact Project Rachel at 1-800-5WE-CARE, or 1-800-456-HOPE. Open your heart to a compassionate friend who can help you get started. May God bless you this holy Easter.
Your friend,
Hi, I'm ___ and live in Newport Beach, California. One would think that it would be such a beautiful happy place. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of my abortion. I had it when I was twenty two years old. I had met a guy while attending a church, and he appeared so perfect and handsome. He had several young ladies that were very smitten with him, including me. He started coming around talking to me and I was like melted butter. One girl was so totally angry that she started stalking me and doing really mean things. She was best friends with his sister. They even came into a restroom in a restaurant and hit me and called me a horrible name. A long story and a lot of drama later he dumped me. I had an abortion and he went on with his life without a single thought for me. Women who get pregnant and aren't married are so vulnerable. I wanted to die. Not only did lose a baby, but any self worth went down the drain. It was horrible. People from the church I attended gossiped about me and treated me terribly. I still hurt. I would still like to hear that this man would fall and break both legs, and limp the rest of his life. I have, emotionally.
Dear friend,
Thank you for contacting us. Your story is very sad and I am sorry you have suffered all these years. Abortion has emotionally crippled many and caused much heartache as well. Please do not despair. With help, the wound in your heart can heal and you will feel whole once again. Contact Project Rachel at 1-800-5-WE-CARE OR 1-888-456-HOPE for confidential help. God loves you and wants you to accept forgiveness. You can walk the steps of healing and learn to love yourself again. Please contact us. I will keep you in my prayers.
Your friend,
I just want to thank all of you my dearest friends because thanks to all of your testimonies now I can hold my one and a half year old baby daugther. I just wish that my message won't make you sad but rejoice in the fact that one less baby was aborted thanks to you.
I love you all and thank you dearly for writing about your abortions so I din't make the same mistake. I am sure that just like me there's many more out there that are holding their babies thanks to you.
From the bottom of my heart thank you very much.
I had my 1st abortion when I was 15 and had 2 more by the time I was 18. The 2nd boy cared and wanted me to keep the baby. I refused to even consider it. I look back and can not even fathom how selfish and self-centered I was. I now have two beautiful children, age 15 and 11. They are the joy of my life. It was when I gave birth for the first time that I realized what I had done. I mean, I "knew" they were babies, but I didn't understand fully until I held that beautiful boy. 24 years later I grieve for all 3 of them still. I tried and tried to forget but every time I think of them I just wish WISH wish I had not killed them.
I am 48 years old, when I was 18 and a senior in high school I was in an abusive relationship and became pregnant. My parents arranged an abortion and drove me 200 miles to have it done. When the Dr. checked me he said I was too far along to have it safely done there and recommended another clinic. I will never forget the feeling of relief getting off that table and knowing I still had my baby. Needless to say I did not have the abortion, I gave birth to a baby boy that I gave up for adoption immediately after he was born. We recently found each other and had a chance to meet. He is a wonderful man and I found out he grew up in a happy, nurturing family . I wish my story ended there but it does not. Two years later I was in another relationship and became pregnant. My boyfriend made it very clear that he did not want this baby. I think he thought I was trying to trap him into marriage, I really wish we had taken the time to think and discuss our options, but I had a friend who had recently had an abortion, she gave me the name of a clinic. I made an appointment and my boyfriend drove me there. It all happened so fast, it is like a blur. All I remember is laying on the table waiting, thinking about running but knowing my boyfriend was out in the waiting room. Everyday of my life since then I have regretted not leaving before the Dr. came in the room. I have since joined the Catholic Church and confessed this horrible sin to a priest and prayed for forgiveness but somehow it just doesn't seem like enough. The hardest part of this story is one year later my boyfriend and I did marry and have 4 beautiful children now who I love very much, but I look at them and think everyday about the one I killed.
Going through a teen pregnancy was difficult and giving up that baby hurt deeply but I knew in my heart I was doing the right thing. I have screwed up a lot of things in my life but giving birth to that baby, I know is truly one of the best things I have ever done. But… Oh how I wish I had those moments back 27 years ago (my 2nd pregnancy) when I had the chance to jump down off the table and run instead of having that abortion, it haunts me every day. So if anyone has an unplanned pregnancy, knows they can't keep the baby and is struggling between abortion or adoption I hope my story will help..
Wow, it seems like I should have said this a long time ago but God knows the right timing. I was 17 years old and involved with a young man who was 4 years older than me. I had never really been involved with anyone before and after about a year of dating we decided to have sex partly because we felt pressured by our friends. I was a good Southern Baptist girl and he was of the Church of Christ demomination. Both of which believed that sex before marriage was definitely a sin.
About a month later I asked a teacher at school how I would know if I was pregnant. She said just wait and assured me that I was not, about another month later I began to worry. She bought me two pregnancy tests which I took at school in the bathroom and were both positive. I was devastated! No one can find out of course was my first thought. I cried all day and oddly enough felt the need to tell everyone I knew that I was pregnant. I went home that night and had to call my boyfriend and tell him the news. He cried and kept saying that his mom could never know. With the advice of MANY and the urging of my boyfriend to "take care of it" I had an abortion 3 days later. It was right before Thanksgiving and it was horrible. I never had time to think about it or maybe I didn't want to. I was a leader in my youth group – no one could ever find out!!!
I told everyone at school that I had a miscarriage…some believed me, some didn't. I dated that same guy until he wanted to have sex again and I got very emotional and broke up with him. I was terrified and ashamed. That was over 9 years ago. These 9 years have brought many surprises – hard times and blessings. After I had my abortion I was numb. Although I ashamedly felt relief I was also grieving the loss of a baby. My entire childhood consisted of me wanting to be a mommy. I was the town babysitter. I LOVED babies!! Suddenly seeing them, hearing them, anything associated with babies made my heart ache.
I didn't realize how much my heart hurt until I took a human development class in college and watched the growing life of a fetus at certain stages of pregnancy. It was the first time that I knew what organs my baby had at the time of the abortion. I was mortified. "Why didn't they tell me?" It was a true breaking point for me. I went to my dorm room (at a Baptist college) and cried until I fell asleep. What had I done? I was finally facing the reality of my decision. A friend came to me and I told her my story. She was kind and forgiving and allowed me to see that God forgave me as well.
Since that day I have grown so much in my walk with God and know that he has paid the debt for that sin as well as all of my sins. Forgiving myself has been harder. I think about the day that I had the abortion every year. The day that I told my fiance, now husband, who was a virgin when we married was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Yet, he was loving and forgiving. God continued to show me his grace and mercy. There are still people today that I don't think I will ever tell my story to for different reasons. I have met so many people in my life that have had such a hard time getting and staying pregnant and it makes me feel so bad for them. I don't know that they would ever understand. Since the abortion, I did not have sex until my wedding night with my husband.
That day in the abortion clinic changed my entire outlook on life. I am not invincible. Bad things do happen to me! Although I knew that God forgave me when I had the discussion with my friend in the dorm room that day, I think that the true realization of God's mercy came the day I found out that I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, excited, humbled, and thankful all wrapped into one. I have never been so excited in my life. The entire time I was pregnant I feared that something was wrong with her. I just knew that I didn't deserve another baby and had very little faith that God would give me a healthy baby because of my choices. That was so far from the truth. Despite a very difficult pregnancy, I can proudly say that I have a beautiful 15 month old baby girl named __________! She is my pride and joy and the result of a 2nd chance from God. She is a treasure that I will never take for granted. Do I still think about my first pregnancy and wonder what she/he would look like? Of course, I always will. One thing is for sure, when my time on earth is finished and I go to meet Jesus in heaven, that baby will be there with me for all eternity. Praise God for his grace, mercy, and forgiveness! I am also a licensed master social worker and hope to help others through what I have experienced. Thank you for allowing me to share my story.
This is a message of hope for those who are in pain. I had an abortion when I was 21 years old. The typical story of getting pregnant due to unsafe sex. When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked and became horribly fearful of what my life would be like. I was just finishing up college and had big plans. I decided, very quickly, that I was going to have an abortion. My mother was the only one who knew about it, besides my boyfriend. She did not agree with my decision but, supported me regardless. She found me a clinic and I went the following week. During the time up until my scheduled appointment, I stayed numb so I would not change my mind. I am 34 now, and to this day, I don't remember much of that. I do remember though, being on that table and every detail that took place. Those details haunted me for years to come. When it was over, Ii immediately went into a deep depression. Ii remember feeling like I did not live in my body anymore. I would lie on my bed for most of the day and feel completely detached for my self. The blackness that surrounded me was horrifying and I did not want to live any longer. That was in the first week of the aftermath. My mother saved me before it was too late. She took me one day to a psychologist. I did not want to go because to share what I had done would be too painful. I had taken my memories of what happened and buried them as deep as I could. I was horrified to feel them again. I remember crying so hard that I thought it would kill me. I felt like a murderer. In my mind, I was a murderer. I thought, how could anyone forgive me and I knew for a fact that I would never forgive myself. I decided that I was a horrible person and that I was completely unworthy of any happiness ever again. I cut off all ties with my friends and ran away from everything in my life. I went to therapy for 4 years. It helped a lot. The therapist was able to get me to open up about the abortion and helped to deal with the trauma part of it. I finished with therapy and decided to go on my own and start a new life. Little did I know that nothing had really changed. I battled everyday with the hate I felt inside. I sabotaged relationship after relationship. I was doing plenty with my life but, could not feel inner peace or happiness. I still wanted to die because of the guilt I felt. I was still a murderer and that would never change. I ended up in a relationship in my late twenties that was and is with a man with unbelievable patience. I found something that I wanted so deeply that I had to dig deep to make mends with this demon that I felt was inside of me. No one person was going to help me truly. It was me that had to do the peace making. I started writing in a journal. I wrote all of the things that I hated, I wrote down all of my pain. As my thoughts came out on paper, I started to realize that this was not me writing. I had fueled and fed a spirit in me that was eating me alive. It wanted me to die. What I am trying to say, is that the pain and guilt is separate from who we are. We are god's light and the pain is the demon that we allow inside of us. When you can separate yourself from this pain that is when you can heal yourself. As I wrote and prayed, I was able to completely detach myself and start to heal. I continued to write everyday and continued to talk to my husband about my feelings. It took many years to overcome my pain. I prayed and asked god and my child to forgive me for what I had done. Today, as a woman with two beautiful children, I feel that I am reborn. I am a different person. I love myself and I have found the inner peace that god had given me to start with I do not beat myself up or call myself names. I found victory in this process that I have been through. I urge anyone of you to go deep within yourself and find that demon that wants you to hurt and hate. Start with writing to stop the chaos of your mind and continue to pray. You will find peace just as I did. I know it may seem like there is no end and no hope at times, but, the peace is already in you. You just need to find it and let go of the pain.
Sincerely, a mother.
Dear friend,
Thank you for sharing your healing journey with us. You give us hope that with God's help and forgiveness we can overcome the demon within and go on to live happy and productive lives. Your struggle is similar to many of our readers. I recommend to those who are still searching for healing to contact Project Rachel at 1-800-5-WE-CARE or 1-888-456-HOPE. Counselors are available to guide you on a path of healing.
I had my first abortion at age 15 and it became a selfish form of birth control and since age 15 I had 6 more abortions. There is no excuse and I have asked God for forgiveness and feel not only has he forgiven me but he also blessed me with two healthy sons. Of course now almost 40 I think about the mistakes I made and how If I could, would do it all different. Abortions weren't the only mistakes I have made, I have made many and sinned many times and all I can do is ask for forgiveness and try to be a better person. God has proven to me to be a forgiving and understanding God who forgives us for our sins, so we have to forgive ourselves which I have done in order to become a better mom and wife. You have to make a choice either, dwell on the past and beat yourself up or move on with life and try to be a better individual and make smarter decisions. I can't change my past but I can make a difference in my future and so can you! My partying careless days are long gone and over and I finally grew up. I am so thankful for support groups like this one to help get us through and who remind us that we are never alone! Thank you!
i had my when i was 18, i regret everything that i did. Not a day goes by not thinking about my baby and how old it would be, if it would be crawling by now etc. I wasnt sure whether to go through with the abortion but my boyfriend didnt want me to have the baby. I blame myself for going through with it when i wasnt sure but i was scared of raising a child alone. I am a nursery nurse, and when i look at parents bringing their child into nursery, the smiles on their faces, giving each other hugs and kisses upsets me. It makes me think of the life i could have had with my child. If i could go back and change things i would. I would have never gone through with it. I cried myself to sleep after the abortion, started drinking to ease the pain and guilt. I then turned aggressive towards loved ones, i had to have time off work also to deal with the guilt and because i was so emotional about what i had done, especially because i worked with babies at the time. The closeness i experienced with the babies when feeding them etc upset me alot and i had to go to the toilets and cry. i would never go through with what i have done ever again. A message to women who are pregnant and are unsure of what to do and have their boyfriend saying they dont want a baby….. if you feel that you want to keep your child, go through with it Dont make the same mistake i made having an abortion. You can cope on your own. You will remember this experience for the rest of your life and not forgive yourself!
Dear friend,
Thank you for sharing thoughts from your heart. I am very sorry you are hurting. Many women are unjustly pressured or forced into unwanted abortions. This type of coercion is a form of abuse Your feelings are normal, but you do not have to suffer alone. Please contact Project Rachel at 1-800-5WE-CARE, or 1-888-456-HOPE. Compassionate, non-judgemental people are waiting to help you open the door to healing Healing does not mean forgetting – healing helps you to address your personal needs and desires. Check out our websites: http://www.noparh.org ;http://www.arlingtondiocese.org/offices/rachel/.
God bless you.
Your friend,
I am 19 years old. I had my first abortion last year before christmas. I really regret the descision that i have made. When i found out, i was really scared. When i told my boyfriend, the first thing he turned around and said was "i dont want to be a dad". The only words that i wanted to hear off him were "we can make this work." He showed no interest in our baby other than to get rid. I was emotional through the pregnancy as i wanted to keep it and he didnt. We had conversations about it all the time but nothing changed his mind. In the end i went through with it, and its the worst thing i have ever done in my life. After the abortion, i cried myself to sleep, i started drinking to ease the pain and the guilt of what i had done. I had to have time off work as i was too emotional. As i am a nursery nurse, i was looking after babies at the time. The closeness that i experienced with them when feeding etc upset me which led to me running the toilet to cry. Luckily, my manager knew what i was goung through and was understanding so she gave me some time off work. Even now, when i see parents dropping their children off, the hugs and the kisses they give eachother upset me and just think to myself that i could have had that life. A couple of girls at my work are pregnant now and i know it seems selfish but i cant feel happy for them. Two girls that i work with have a child each, and alls they talk about is their children. I have to keep myself busy to stop myself from getting upset. I regret what i did and if i could go back i would never have done it. A message to women who are pregnant and their partner doesnt want the baby, dont make the same mistake that i have made. You will not forgive yourself. I was scared thinking that i would not be able to raise a child alone, but their are so many people who can help you,you wont be alone.I think about the baby everyday, how old he/she would be, would he/she be crawling just little things like that, but you will never be able to erase the experience from your mind. Dont make the same mistake
My story is not my own, but that of a mother of four children who had endured an abortion when she was only 18 years old. I was aware she was suffering mightily. I spoke to a compassionate priest who directed me on a path that I dreaded to go – speak to the young mother, her parents and her sisters in order to start a healing process for her. Initially I said I could not do that, interfere, open up old wounds, not everybody in the family new she had aborted (they thought she miscarried). The priest insisted I must be brave and he would start praying for the situation (I am the girl's aunt). I did as I was instructed, little by little and her words and tears on the day that we met together in a little park. She explained how not one person with any moral authority had discouraged her or asked her to delay her decision. She said "THEY TOOK AWAY MY BABY BUT THEY DIDN'T TAKE AWAY MY PAIN". From there all of us followed the wise priest's guidance. All of her family went to a private Mass for the baby. She first went to confession with the priest during which she could only describe having a massive feeling through her body. The priest assured her it was the Hold Spirit and the God has truly forgiven her and so should she. My point in writing this is that I felt that it was a mountainous task to take on that just couldn't go right, but I truly had never seen that whole family so united and loving as they were all together in the little church.
I was 20 years old. I had one child already under the age of 2. Our first child had been born before we were married, my family had cut me off. Would not speak to me, until I married my child's father who was 19 at the time and in his first year of college.
We had only been married a few months and were beginning to get our lives back on track, with our families support once again. When I found out I was pregnant for a second time. I knew I was pregnant but waited a long time to make a choice. I was so afraid of what our families would say about us. We had no money and were struggling to make it on our own with the child we already had. I made the choice to not put the baby up for adoption because I didn't want to know I had a child out there somewhere. I did not want to wonder where our child was. My husband supported the idea and we drove 2 hours from our home to have the abortion. When I got there, we found out I was in my second trimester and the clinic I was at was not able to help me and sent me to another clinic. We drove home and came back a second time to the second clinic. Because of the number of weeks along I was the procedure would take two days. My husband stayed in the waiting room for the first part. I recall being brought into a room with another girl for counseling. She went on and on about this being her 2nd or 3rd time and how angry she was with the man that got her that way. When it was my turn to talk about why I was here. I didn't know. Just that I couldn't afford another child, but how could i be making this selfish choice for money? The nurse never responded and my answer was deemed ok and I was lead back into an exam room where they inserted something into my uterus. It took less than 10 minutes and I was sent home to wait until the next day. As we left the parking lot I believe the baby kicked, just once. I never said anything. My husband dropped me off at a motel for the night, alone. I lay there all night crying and trying not to think about what I was doing. I woke up early the next morning and had to call a cab to bring me back. I sat in the huge waiting room in a fog. They called me back. As I lay on the table all I could do was cry. I knew there was nothing to be done at that point. the damage had been done. No one spoke to me, no one talked, just the awful sounds of the machines and the smell of the clinic. I got up and got dressed and had to sit in the waiting room to wait for my husband. We drove home in total silence. I lay on my couch at home and cried and cried for hours. I was mad at myself, I was mad at my husband. How could I have been so selfish? How could I have let what other people this rule my life in such a way. There is not a day goes by that I don't feel guilt. I have prayed and asked my child for forgiveness. I have prayed to God to watch over my son and forgive me for my sins. I don't believe I will ever find forgiveness, I don't think I deserve it. I feel evil and shameful. I feel that in church when they speak of abortions they are speaking about me. I think I will forever feel guilt and pain and sorrow for the loss of my son. and for the terrible sin I have committed.
Dear friend,
Please do not despair. If you have read these letters and responses you know that you are not alone with your feelings of guilt and regret. Please call Project Rachel at 1-888-456-HOPE or 1-800-5WE-CARE. Loving non-judgmental people are ready to help you. Forgiveness is available for all who ask. God loves you and wants you to feel whole again.
Your friend,
a week after my abortion, I experienced anxiety attacks, i couldn't go to sleep even with tylenol 3., and cried all day every day. One day after being up all night, I got up to take my kids to school . I got pulled over by police and sped off crashing into another cop car. I later found out that I had had an anxiety attack when I was pulled over. I came to terms that I was suffering from having the abortion.
I want other women who don't feel like themselves after an abortion to seek help immediately from any source.
I was 21 when I had my first abortion (I'm 28 now) and I was 24 when I had my second abortion. They were both to the same person, my ex of now 4 years. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant and not being able to make a decision on whether to proceed or terminate the pregnancy. At the time I did a lot of reading on anti/pro abortion articles on the net, trying to get as much information as possible on how I would feel if I did have an abortion. I don't think I was really reading it properly as knowing how I felt then and now I will never have another abortion.
I don't blame my ex as this was my decision, but I also know that he contributed mentally and emotionally in making me feel guilty if I did have the baby, on both occassions. I cried and cried and cried after my first abortion and fortunately I had the support of my parents in my decision, either way. But their support felt like it ended on the day I had the termination in regards to asking me how I was feeling. It's like once I terminated the whole thing was swept under the carpet, a taboo subject not to be mentioned again.
After my 2nd abortion I tried to kill myself and was severely depressed. I turned to alcohol for comfort, to punish myself for my actions. Then I upped the cigarette intake thinking I deserved to die from cancer. Then I must've struck some type of self preservation well inside me because I saw a psychiatrist about my drinking which in turn came back to my abortion and my unhealthy relationship with my ex. I didn't feel comfortable talking about this issue with my male psychiatrist, so sought assistance through a free Government service helping people deal with post-abortion depression. I only went to one session but am now considering going again, nearly one year later.
I have taken time off work because I've cried so much that I've given myself a migraine, I feel like a murderer for killing not one, but two babies. I find it really hard to be happy for friends and family who get pregnant and are in healthy relationships. I can't talk about this with my parents, and my mum also had an abortion about a week after I had my first one. She also had an abortion back in the 1970s, after my brother and I were born.
I'm not religious but I'm scared that I'm going to be punished for what I've done, in the afterlife. Where do those who were raised atheist turn too when it seems that only those who are religious and pray for forgiveness will be forgiven by God?
I feel like I'm even more alone because I don't have anyone to turn too. I don't want to hear people say that I have to forgive myself because after all these years I still can't. I'm scared that I'll never be able too because I know what I did was wrong, I just didn't think I'd be able to survive being a single parent and now I know that I could have. I wish that my parents had of forbidden me from having an abortion, knowing themselves what I would go through for the rest of my life. I lie in bed at night and tell them that I'm sorry and that I wish I hadn't of had my abortions – I just hope that they can hear me.
Dear A–,
I am very sorry you are hurting. Please understand the feelings you have now are very real and very normal. Many others have also despaired following their abortions regardless of their faith backgrounds. Let the tears come, it is healthy to grieve your losses. Accepting your responsibility for the abortions is a huge step towards healing. I encourage you to go back to your post abortion counselor or call Project Rachel at 1-888-456-HOPE or 1-800-5WE-CARE. Working through your emotions with a trained professional is the best way to overcome your guilt, sadness, and remorse. The counselors are there to help you find peace. Don't suffer alone! I am happy to correspond with you as well.
Your friend,
I decided to come to this site for one simple reason maybe if I submit my story someone might read this before they go through the pain that I have…
Sorry this is so long my abortion was 2 years ago on April 15th 2005. In order to tell my story I think I need to tell the past & present so that you can understand that this decision was not just one passing moment for me.
I was 19 years old at the time of my abortion. I knew almost right away that I was pregnant but never made a Dr.s appointment to have it confirmed . I really can't say why I wouldn't make that appointment except that on some level I thought that if I didn't have it confirmed I wouldn't have to admit to myself or anyone else that I REALLY was pregnant. I also didn't want to think about what I was going to do. The days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, still no Dr.s appointment.
The pregnancy was fairly easy for me to hide as I had struggled with an eating disorder so the weight I put on just looked as though I was getting better again. I was living with my boyfriend that I had been with since I was 17 almost 18. We lived with my parents while we saved to buy a house.
He was amazing, intelligent & in no way coerced me into my decision but he did however keep asking me if I had made that appointment yet? I just kept trying to put this off because I knew if I waited long enough that there would be no decision anymore & I would have no choice except to plan on a nursery in my new house.
I eventually broke, made the appointment then took a urine test. A couple days later at work I got the call. My Dr. was on the line for me. I answered the phone and he said the words I had expected… "Your tests came back" "You are pregnant" Even now I'm not sure how something I knew before he said the words could have that kind of effect on me. I arranged my next appointment on the phone with him then walked back to my desk in a daze… It was real now.
I had no choice but to think about this right??? Wrong, I did everything I could to keep myself from entertaining the thought that I had a life growing inside. My Dr. fit me in almost right away so I found myself in his office within a few days time. I still have the actual visit blocked out so I'm not sure how I actually said the word abortion but being where I am now I know I did. I somehow managed to book an ultra sound & abortion that day. I can remember the ultra sound, the waiting room walls were covered in pictures of babies. I was sick multiple times from trying to keep all the water down. The nurse was really annoyed that she had to wait longer because I had to drink more water. She reminded me that there were more patients to be seen & I was going to put her behind schedule. When it was time for the ultra sound she wouldn't even allow me to look because I had talked to the Dr about an abortion. I wanted to see so badly & think it may have made this real for me then I wouldn't have went through with it. I left still not saying anything about any of it to anyone.
When I finally had to talk to my boy friend about it I just told him that it wasn't going to be an issue that I was taking care of it, the entire time wondering if I had actually said those words. I was so scared but this couldn't be what I wanted so why was I doing it??? I went to the clinic at 3 & ½ months pregnant & still wasn't allowed to look as they did another ultra sound there. During the procedure I was awake but given a sedative & painkiller during so I only felt pressure not pain. It finally hit me on the table that I had just made an appointment to let someone take MY baby. I thought to myself this is wrong, so wrong. With as much strength as I could gather I tried to tell the nurse at my side I had changed my mind & please stop at the I.V that I didn't want this but the more I struggled or tried to talk the more she just told me to relax that it hadn't even started & it would be done soon. The drugs started to kick in even more and I could no longer talk at, then finally it was done.
I left the clinic hating myself for ever thinking that it was worth it or that losing my baby might actually be easier than keeping her. The next two years held nothing but pain, depression & self destructive behavior for me.
I went from 110 lbs to around 90lbs sometimes dropping a little under. I stopped caring about everything & when we bought that house all I did was think that one of the extra bedrooms would have made a great nursery… My baby would have just been a few months old at the time. It would have worked out!!!
I went through severe depression & had immense relationship issues after that because I thought that if I could never forgive myself then how could he? He asked me to marry him just before we got the house… Everything was fitting into place the way I had hoped but thought that could never happen if I had my child. The more things seemed to go my way the more I hated myself for what I had done because there was really no reason for me to have that abortion. He never spoke of our lost baby so I thought I had done something so terrible that he could never even utter a word of it to me. I finally had the perfect life so why did I feel so empty? I did things that I regret afterwards… I cheated on my then fiancé with a friend who had no idea about the abortion or my suffering just because he said the things that made me feel a little bit better that I just couldn't make myself believe when I heard then from my fiancé because he knew what I had done so in my mind he couldn't possibly love me or mean any of it. After awhile he finally gave up on me…
He decided that he couldn't take the way I was acting anymore or the hurt that I had caused him & said he was leaving. He told me we would be selling the house. I got worse after that, I started to entertain suicidal thoughts (I kept thinking I wanted to be with her)at this point & overdosed on painkillers. I was taken to the hospital by a friend & he sat in the trauma room with me until they had me stable & out of risk. I spent a week on the mental health floor of the hospital after that before I was let out. After I was out I was not too bad for at least another month before I slit my wrists & was back in the hospital to repeat almost the same events as the last visit. I got out this time & had finally let go of my suicidal urges but had started self harming… I still have the house with my ex fiancé but he is pushing me to sell & I have many scars emotionally & physically to remind me of my pain. There is not a single moment I regret more than my abortion. It robbed me of a child & my life. I would give anything to have my baby in my arm or to get through to my ex fiancé so he knows I never meant to hurt him or self destruct. I never thought that in losing my child I would lose myself. 2 years later the pain doesn't fade but most of the things that made me happy have.
I received your letter from hopeafterabortion.com. I am very sorry for your grief and want you to know that I care about you. Please believe that healing is available for you too.
IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL, Please call a suicide hotline or contact a friend who can stay with you until you can get help.
The national suicide hotline for help is 1-800-784-2433 (I-800-SUICIDE), or you can go towww.suicidehotlines.com on your computer.
Your experiences and feelings since your abortion are common. Many women tumble into a self destruction mode because they feel they have committed the unforgivable sin and they believe they cannot live with the consequences of their actions. There are things you can do to reverse this destructive behavior and begin your journey of healing.
Accept that the abortion was wrong, that you made a mistake and cannot bring your baby back. This does not make you a "bad" person. You cannot "be" bad, because you are made in the image of God who makes all things good. You are a young woman, worthy of dignity and respect, who made a poor choice. Many women have been in your shoes and experienced healing.
Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your child. Give yourself permission to seek help. Please call Project Rachel at 1-800-5WE-CARE, or 1-888-456-HOPE. Compassionate, non-judgmental women are available to help you find local counselors who understand abortion wounds.
Here are a few websites that may help you understand your grief.
You are welcome to contact me and we can "chat" via email. I care about you and want you to know that you are in my prayers.
Your friend,
Dear Friends,
I only hope that my story will aid in one healing or save the life of one child. I was 19 and "deeply in love" (or at least I thought I was). My significant other at the time, (ex now) found out I was pregnant and gave me all of the platitudes and the reasons why we could not have the baby. I was very scared, felt alone and had an abortion. I subsequently got pregnant again 3 more times by the same person who continued to make empty promises and lie. He even indicated he was being treated for a disease that could affect the babies and that we would get married. I remember that I even tried to stop the procedures and the physicians told me that it was too late, I had to proceed (which I have found out since was not the case). At any rate, I did get pregnant two more times and have two beautiful children. I finally grew up and realized that I had placed all of my faith and trust in a person and not in the God who loves me. I am no longer involved with children's father. I am a single parent and am embracing my calling in life. I do know that God is merciful, loving and forgiving and that if God is forgiving that I need to be of myself. I know that I cannot change the past but if others can benefit from my story then hopefully, that is one life saved. Please do not give up as there is always hope! I am praying for each of you.
I am a 40 year old single woman. I had my abortion 11 days ago. the father is married with his own 8 month old. It started off as just fooling around. I didn't think I could get pregnant. I had an abortion when I was 19 and swore to myself I would never have another one. I have never been pregnant since. I thought that the first abortion made me infertile. I went on the pill last july to balance out my cycle when I came off of it the next month I got pregnant. My prescription ran out. He told me if I wanted to keep it that would be ok but he would not be able to provide for it. Of course he was stressing. He is married. I know it was a boy. All I felt was sick and dizzy. I didn't know who could take care of us. I struggle just to support myself. Now I feel disgusted. I hate myself I have quit my job. I cant face anyone. MY relationship with my man is getting worse. He said we only got involved for sex. Nothing else. His work is going bad too. He is not leaving his wife. I feel so empty inside. Hollow I was a very happy free spirit but I hate myself now. I am not used to that. I dont want to face God because I know he hates me. I am used to feeling like Gods child and now I dont want to be. I want to be a mom. Even to my baby that was made in a relationship that wasn't right, I miss him. I know my baby was a gift. I wish that I could turn back the clock and keep him. I stayed awake the whole night before thnking over and over was like forget it, I am keeping the baby. but when the alarm when off I got up and drove 2 hours to take that pill. The boyfriend was telling me why dont you just turn your car around because what i was saying but I knew he would be disappointed because it would ruin his life. He said he would be stressed his whole life because he could not be the father to his baby. and that the baby would grow up and hate him for not being around. I know I did the right thing but why does it feel so wrong. I cared too much for this man. I hate myself for being a coward. Not fighting for my baby that I know was trying to survive in my belly. I am so sorry to my baby. I have prayed to God to take care of my baby. I have told him that it wasnt his fault. Me and the father got on our knees and asked God for forgiveness. asked our baby for forgiveness. We told our baby that we were sorry and that we would see him in heaven because in heaven there were no rules of life just love and understanding. I want to end my own life sometimes now because I want to be with my baby. No other baby can take this babies place in my heart. I want to get pregnant now. I havent even been back to the doctor for the follow up visit. Our baby would have been born in dec 5 2007. I now hate Christmas. Anyone thinking of doing this think think think about it. Dont do it. I cant eat, sleep, think. I feel like i am falling down a black tunnel with nothing to grab onto. I feel a pain in my soul that I cannot soothe. An ache in my heart and a feeling of anger, sadness, overwhelming sense of loneliness. when i had the first one I was relieved, but I felt bad for a year but then i think i was ok. it feels like everyday I wake up that I am dying. i have anguish and i just want to run. I am not happy anymore, i think its becuase I am older. I consider myself intelligent and capable and look i killed my baby. I loved my baby. I did. I can never show him though. thank you for your website and all of the women who have written. I cried and cried. I will pray for all of our unborn babies.
Dear friend,
Thank you so much for reaching out to us at Hope After Abortion. Please know how sorry we are for your loss. My name is Maryanne and I work with a post abortion healing ministry called Project Rachel. Please don't hesitate to email me. I am happy to be a friend and help you understand your many emotions. Since your abortion is still very recent please be gentle with yourself. It is normal for your feelings to fluctuate. If at any time you feel suicidal, please call the national suicide hotline for help at 1-800-784-2433 (I-800-SUICIDE).
It is important for you to take care of yourself so you can get healthy again! There are a few things you can begin immediately to help you feel better. Eat healthy protein rich foods, get regular exercise and nap if you are having trouble sleeping. Alcohol and drugs are not a good idea right now. They will make you feel worse in the long run. Refrain from sexual activity. A new pregnancy will not bring back or replace your baby. Here is a website that goes into more detail of caring for yourself after your abortion: http://home.wi.rr.com/noparh/recent.html
You have experienced the devastation that abortion brings. Let me help you through this difficult time. All contact is confidential. Don't suffer alone.
Your friend,
I was 24 and already had twin boys. After my divorce i dated and never really found what i was looking for. I met a married man and fell in love with him. After dating for 5 months i found out i was pregnant. After he told me he wanted me to have an abortion, I knew he could never be mine and i could not raise another child by myself. I live with the gulit everyday. It was the hardest thing ive ever done in my life. Ive ended that relationship and moved on with my life. Ive learned from my mistakes and take life one day at a time.
Dear J,
Thanks for contacting hope after abortion. I am sorry that you experienced the pain and emptiness of abortion. You have suffered a very tangible loss, but with help you can work through your guilt and learn to forgive yourself. There are proven steps of healing that will help you on your journey of accepting the past and learning to love yourself again. Allow God's divine mercy to strengthen you. Contact Project Rachel, a confidential healing ministry, at 1-800-5WECARE or 1-888-456-HOPE.
Your friend,
It has been 31 years and the emptiness is still there.
Since the 2 abortions I had (both in less than 1 year) God has blessed me with 3 beautiful children (now in their 20s), along with 2 miscarriages.
A huge part of me died on the table both of those days; along with my babies.
My Dad passed away suddenly 2 years ago and the sadness, numbness & shock I felt then does not come close to the pain I felt and still often feel today. I know that my Dad went because he was called Home but my more poor little babies were murdered and never given a chance to live.
I have never been able to tell any person in my family what I went through. The shock, hurt and disappointment they would have is unbearable to even think about.
I pray for myself and all those who have endured the pain we all know so deeply.
Dear friend,
The loss of a loved one often exacerbates the pain endured over the years due to abortion. We are truly sorry for the loss of your father and your four children. Surely they are now aware of your grief and remorse. With the wisdom and perspective of heaven, they understand the circumstances that drove you to have two abortions. More importantly, they know you are forgiven and deeply loved by God. With all their heart, they love and forgive you, too.
I thank you for reaching out to hopeafterabortion and ask you, please, don't suffer alone. Healing is available! Call Project Rachel at 1-800-5WE-CARE or 1-888-456-HOPE. Confidential assistance will help you to accept the loss of all your babies, and learn to live your life fully again. Don't be afraid to accept our Lord's mercy. May God bless you during this holy Easter Season.
Your friends at Project Rachel
I was 16 and in love. That's how my story began. I was involved with the "man of my dreams," the one whom I wanted to marry and spend my life with. After three months together we decided we were finally ready to "make love." So we did…
A month goes by and I don't have my period. Maybe a fluke… my chemicals were imbalanced; I don't know… But I couldn't have been pregnant!
Driving in the car one night, I brought the subject up. "Z—, what if I'm pregnant?" He asked me, "What would you do?" This I hadn't really thought about, and with the denial of the possibility that I actually could have been pregnant, I stated, "I guess that I'd have an abortion."
That statement was one that I will forever regret. That statement sealed my fate.
Two months pass, I still don't have my period. I prayed for this not to be happening to me! But somewhere I suppose that I secretly wanted a child… This was the man I loved more than life itself!
After three months, I FINALLY got the nerve to take a test. I already knew the results, I just needed to see it for myself.
At school, I started to share my concerns with my friends. They looked at me with eyes of hate and disbelief when I said that I wanted to have an abortion. When I turned to my boyfriend for consolation, some comfort, he rejected me and the idea of having a child. His response, "There is no way I can tell my family!" And this was a valid reason for me to abort my child!
I struggled day in and day out with my hatred and anger at him! Why was he rejected this child, our child! What was I to do, I was 16, afraid to tell my own family with no support. For God's sake, my family didn't even know I was having sex, let alone was pregnant! I was lost, confused, alone.
Even my best friend turned her back on me when I said that I had chosen to have an abortion. What was I left with?! I had no car, little money, no support. I reached out to the prolife centers for help. If only I could've found a ride to their offices!
But I didn't…
Drama soon erupted! My school nurse was warned that I may be pregnant by one of my "friends." I know now that they were trying to help me… but then… I was angry at them for sharing my disgraceful secret.
There I was trying to validate my feelings and justify my decisions to a nurse who looked at me with concern and disbelief. My boyfriend was called down to the office after we found out that we couldn't have an abortion in our home state due to our age… and he sat across from my sobbing body in horror. Every selfish word that came out of his mouth turned a little part of me to stone. That day I sat and heard every reason why he couldn't have this child, and why it wasn't right for him. God damn it! This was my child too!! Where was my thinking, when were my feelings taken into consideration?! That day my decision was made. I would have an abortion. But not for me, for him. No I'm sorry-for us!
The most messed up part of everything was that I was the one in charge of finding a clinic is another state. I was the one in charge of finding a way to get us to this clinic. I was the one who had to call and reschedule since we couldn't make arrangements. I was the one who had to lie to my family at why I was sick-must have caught the flu. I lied and lied. Made a sick joke out of my abortion. Because a joke was the only way I could deal with this horrendous decision I was about to make.
I made myself numb. I told myself I was in love, and one day we would make it right by having children of our own. I told myself I was too young, and this child would mess up my life. I lied to myself.
The night of the abortion I invited my friend to go to the movies with my family. I was in my basement ready to get in the shower with a razor blade to my wrist… My friend saved me!! And where was my boyfriend? Drinking and "celebrating" his freedom with his friends!
If only I knew then what I know now!
So here I am 7 years later. Still hurting. Still regretting. That "love of my life" was merely a delusion. One that I should've seen through with his selfishness at the reaction to the abortion, but I made myself blind to his flaws. I focused on my own. I allowed him to rule my life for the next 6 years! He broke me down till I was nothing. And then when I finally got the courage to end our relationship… I ended up rehashing my mistake, our mistake… The abortion. And then I felt like I lost my ally. The one person who could take the pain away. Well he can't anymore. He probably doesn't even think about that day.
But I do. I do even though I try not to. I thank god for my friends who offer me support when I need it. But I need more.
I was late to an appointment yesterday and I heard the Project Rachel message on the radio. I am nervous to call and to reach out. I'm not Catholic, but I am a Christian. I know I need the help, but I'm scared. I'm hoping by sharing my message here I can finally embrace my pain and regret so that I can reach out for help.
I'm not a scared, lonely, 16 year old anymore! It's time I took back my life! God has forgiven me, but I need to forgive myself. I hope Project Rachel can help me do that.
Thank you for listening to my story, and I hope that this can reach out to others who are scared and lonely. There are a lot of choices out there! Even for 16 year old with no support from loved ones, boyfriends, family, and friends! I pray for all who read this, and for all who never get the chance that you hear God's calling and embrace his gift. Because a child, no matter what the circumstances, is a blessing! It's all in the eyes of the beholder. And when its your child, you are the beholder, so open your eyes!
Thank you!
Dear L —
Thank you for reaching out to Project Rachel and sharing your sad story with us. By telling your experience in such detail you have released a huge burden and I hope you feel some of the toxic pain is gone. My name is Maryanne and I work with Project Rachel. Project Rachel is a ministry sponsored by the Catholic Church but we aim to help everyone who contacts us regardless of their faith. The pain caused by abortion is universal and hurts all – even people with no faith background.
We are pleased that the radio spots are touching hearts – and more specifically – your heart! The anger, frustration, and loss you feel are all normal reactions to the horror you experienced at the clinic. Healing is available for you, from the abortion and from the hurt of the past 6 years. First of all, allow yourself to grieve your loss. You have lost your child, and like a women who has suffered a miscarriage, you deserve to grieve. Accept the past and ask God to forgive you for your mistakes. Ask your child to forgive you too. There are proven steps to healing, and through healing you will be able to forgive yourself. These steps are not always in the same order, nor quick or easy. But with God's graces and some sound advice you can learn to live your life in peace and find joy again.
Call Project Rachel at 1-888-456-HOPE and tell them you heard the radio spot. They will be happy that you called.
All contact with us is confidential. Jesus Christ calls us to love and not judge. He doesn't mask over our sins, but asks us to admit them, be sorry, and sin no more. For a start, get your bible and read John, chapter 8: 1-11. Experience the love of God.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. I will keep you in my prayers as you begin a healing journey.
Your friend,
Seventeen years ago, that is when I made a decision that is still tearing at my soul today. I was young and alone, I knew it was wrong but didn't know what else to do. I was weak. I still cry over my lost child. Nothing will ever change the shame and pain that I feel. And to be honest I want to feel it because I deserve it. I have never been able to close that sickening void that is deep inside of me. I have had other children, but I still think almost daily about the one who isn't here. What would he be like? What would he look like? This weight is crushing my soul. A part of me died along with my baby. A part that is forever lost. I wish someone had stopped me or at least attempted to, if I had known then….my baby would not have died. I just want any woman contemplating this horrible thing to stop and know, it doesn't solve anything. I pray to God for forgiveness, I pray to my child for forgiveness, but I still feel the horror of what I did. I feel it like it happened yesterday, not 17 years ago.
Dear D_____,
You don't have to suffer alone! Seventeen years is a long time to punish your self for a mistake. Your abortion was wrong, but God loves you and wants you to be whole again. His mercy and compassion have no limits. Contact Project Rachel at 1-888-456-HOPE OR 1-800-5-WE-CARE to learn how you can heal from this old wound. You can walk the steps of healing and learn to love yourself again. Open your heart to God's love and let him cauterize that wound so you can be joyful again.
God bless you,
Your friends at Project Rachel
Having an abortion is the worst I've done in my life. I do believe it is the cause of my infertility problems as punishment for my sin. I really wish it were much easier for younger parents to raise families because I think the pressure from family members (not wanting to be responsible) fuels abortions today. Child care and everything needed to care for a child is too expensive. I think the message is "if you don't have money you don't deserve a baby" and now there are pedigree babies that's not right. Please pray for forgiveness, I've gained over 60 lbs since and I feel very ashamed sometimes I want to die too.
Dear K,
It is difficult times we live in today. I am sorry you felt abortion was your best choice. Living with that decision has been tough for thousands of other women too. Their feelings of anger, despair, and shame were overpowering as well. Many have sought healing and can now live at peace, accepting God's love and forgiveness. Call Project Rachel at 1-800-5-WE-CARE or 1-888-456-HOPE. All contact is confidential. Koko, let us help you. Don't suffer alone! I will pray for your strength to seek healing.
God bless my friend,
I had two abortions, the first one in 1995, and the second one in 1996. I have a mental illness and I was not doing well at the time of the abortions. I was pressured into the abortions by family members who told me that I was not emotionally stable and incapable of being able to care for a baby. I wanted to put my babies up for adoption but my husband would not hear of it. I am now divorced from this man as of 1998. I had a very bad suicide attempt in 1997 that put me in a state mental institution for six months. I was discharged in 1998 and had counseling for five years. I know that all of my instability that I had from 1995 to 1998 was due from the fact I murdered my babies. I was eight weeks pregnant when I had the first abortion. I was ten weeks pregnant when I had the second abortion. When I was in the abortion clinic during my second pregnancy I saw the ultrasound picture of my baby on the comput er screen. I was ten weeks pregnant and when I saw my baby I didn't want to abort him. The woman who was doing the ultrasound tried to turn the computer screen away from my line of vision so that I wouldn't see the image of my baby. I wanted to scream at this woman that I didn't want to kill my baby, but my husband was right there at my side and he gave me a look that was as if to say, "you are not keeping this baby." I was like a child that went into a state of submission and just could not scream that I wanted to keep my son. I knew my baby was a little boy, by mother's intuition and by the grace of God. I just knew in my heart that my baby was a boy. It is now 2007 and I am watching the March of Life on EWTN, and I am in a state of total sadness and regret for what I have done. I want to cry but the tears will not come. I am forever going to bear the cross of what I have done. I have been feeling anger and ha tred towards everyone and everything. I know that this is wrong and I pray to God about this every day, asking him to p lease forgive me and have mercy upon my soul. I ask him to please help me with these horrible feelings. I do not feel like I am being helped. I think the Lord wants me to seek help from someone who can help me emotionally and spiritually. I am looking to join a Catholic church. I am however very scared to meet with the Reverand. I have so many questions about the Catholic church. I am afraid to tell him about my abortion for I fear being reprimanded by the Reverand and not being allowed to join the church. This is a major conversion for me. I am currently Lutheran and do not wish to be part of this religious community anymore due to the fact they are pro-choice. I am now pro-life and want to be part of the Catholic church for this reason, and also because of the traditions. Wil l the Catholic church accept me or will they turn me away? I have so much depression every day over the loss of my babies and I really need to change my religion and my life. I need spiritual healing.
Dear C,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. We are very sorry for your loss, and we want you to know that we care about you and the indignities that you have suffered. Your losses are very real, and you have a right to grieve over your babies. Please know that you are not alone.
The Catholic Church is a forgiving church! We see the church as a hospital for sinners, not a hotel for saints! Be honest with the priest and he will lead you to God's forgiveness.
The late Holy Father, John Paul II, addressed abortion and forgiveness most eloquently when he wrote, "I would now like to say a special word to women who have had an abortion. The church is aware of the many factors which may have influenced your decision, and she does not doubt that in many cases it was a painful and even shattering decision. The wound in your heart may not have yet healed. Certainly what happened was and remains terribly wrong. But do not give in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly. If you have not already done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness and his peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. To the same Father and to his mercy you can with sure hope entrust your child. With the friendly and expert help and advice of other people, and as a result of your own painful experience, you can be among the most eloquent defenders of everyone's right to life." Gospel of Life (99)
Those of us who work at Project Rachel would welcome the opportunity to be a compassionate friend and walk with you on a journey of hope and healing.
Your friend,
My name is L___ and i was 19 years old when I had my abortion. I had a really hard time with all of it.I was about 9 weeks pregnante and I was told by everyone in my family that this was my only option. My mother didn't say anything, she never told me it was ok or not. My ex-boyfriends parents sat me down by myself and told me that we were too young and this would be in the best intrest for everyone. I told them that thos would be something that would affect me for the rest of my life. And still to this day I have not gotten over this. I am so worried now that I can't have children. My doctor tells me everything is ok. I feel that I am being punished for my mistakes. I am getting married to a great man in June and he knows all of this and why I want to have children NOW instead of wating for the right time. He keeps telling me that God still loves me. I have a void I need to fill and I think haveing another child will help me. I have had a few of my friends and family have children and when I find out that they are expecting I get so upset. It's not that I am not happy for them it's I want what they have so bad and my time has not come yet and i blame it all on the abortion that I had seven years ago. I just recently learned about Project Rachel, it was like a calling to me. I was reading through a book (the we need to read and take classes on so we can get married in the church) and I saw little letter about Project Rachel, so here I am hoping to get the help I need to move past this and not have so much regret and work on forgiving myself.
Dear Lisa,
Please don't hesitate to call Project Rachel. The number is 1-800-5-WE-CARE. Healing this wound before marriage and children is imperitive. Healing will fill the void and help you feel whole again. The you can approach your new life with happiness and no regrets. Accept the healing graces of Jesus Christ!
Your friend,
I am 20 years old and I had an abortion 2 months ago. I was in the hospital because of a severe infection after taking the RU-486 pill.
Unfortunately I did not have the support necessary to have my baby. My boyfriend did not want my baby, and I felt so bad about that. Now, I know, I cannot have my baby back, but I just want to tell you: a child is a blessing from God. If you are pregnant, I understand. It is so hard when you are so young, but you can have your baby!!! Please, you can manage. I lost my child for my boyfriend, and ask you, please avoid the consequences of killing your baby. It is a experience that you did not forget. I almost died, but I am sure somebody will read my history, and I hope my story can save the life of your child and your life.
I had the abortion at 8 weeks of pregnancy. I was bleeding too much and I d id not go to the hospital up to three days after, as soon as it was aborting.
Now probably I cannot have children because of the infection. I am still alive, but I do not feel of that way. It is the worst experience that any woman can have. I always have nightmares and memories of all that blood in my apartment.
I was eighteen years old when I got pregnant. To this day, I'll never know if I became pregnant by my boyfriend or my rapist. Either way, I could not feasibly have a child. However, I did not find out I was pregnant until I was four months pregnant. I'd had bleeding resembling my period for two or three months into my pregnancy and never once associated the fact that I vomited every morning before going to class to morning sickness. I was going through a very rough time in my life, and turned to drugs and alcohol to forget everything that was going on. I frequently attempted suicide out of depression and an overwhelming sense that my life was absolutely falling apart. I came home from school for the summer and noticed I had gained weight, and that I hadn't had my period in a month. I finally took a pregnancy test, and discovered I was pregnant. I had no idea how far along I was. I chose abortion because to this day I know for a fact it is the only choice I could have had. I went to a clinic and had an ultrasound, where I was told that I was twenty two weeks pregnant. I was in shock but knew that in no way could I have a baby. At five months of pregnancy, I had an abortion. I know for a fact I damaged the fetus through my reckless behavior. I don't feel guilty over the loss of the baby, but I feel like my whole life is turned upside down by something I couldn't control. I feel like there's an invisible barrier separating me from the rest of the world -I am different because I had an abortion, and a late-term abortion at that. No one understands the physical pain I went through during and after my abortion, and instead would rather attack me for my choice. I feel like I've lost myself, and that no one in the world will ever understand because everyone thinks what I did was "so wrong." I did what I had to, but the whole world will never understand that, and it kills me.
Dear friend,
Thank you for sharing with us. The shame and humiliation caused by rape is horrifying. I am very sorry. I can understand being scared and going into a "self-preservation" mode. I am sorry you felt abortion was the only choice, but I identify with the pressure you felt. Your wounds must be pretty deep and I am sorry you are hurting.
My friend, think of yourself as an integrated whole; physical, mental, spiritual. When one part hurts, all parts hurt. Your physical part has been violated and that affects your spirit and your emotions. No wonder you are hurting! Go easy on yourself for a while. You will always be a child of God and He loves you no matter what.
You are not alone in your suffering, nor are all people judging you. Thousands of women have been in your shoes, and have found healing. You have begun the process by sharing your painful experience with us. You don't have to live your life looking over your shoulder wondering if people know what you did. Let us help you learn to live peacefully and find yourself again. Please call Project Rachel at 1-800-5-WE-CARE, or 1-888-456-HOPE. Compassionate, non judgmental women are available to help you start a journey of hope and healing. Feel free to correspond with me as well. I want to help you find peace.
Your friend,
I will not disclose my name nor my location. I don't feel that is necessary. I am 15 years old and 7 months ago i had an abortion. Apparently i got pregnant 2 weeks before prom. Over the summer, i felt sick … almost every single day. I tried to let my what i thought was a caring loving boyfriend know that i thought i was pregnant…he in return told me i was crazy and told me to shut up about it. I went on a vacation 2 weeks later with my sister and best friend. I took a test one day in florida. i indeed, was pregnant…3 months along. I didn't want to have an abortion, but my boyfriend told me that i had no other choice. what's a girl to do? It's been 4 months and i still wish i was dead. I have sleepless nights. When i hear anything about a baby i cry instantly. I cannot attend a babyshower. I am a prisoner in my own body. I'm miserable and i hate myself ever waking second. I have dreams….dreams of my baby coming to me, then shortly taken away. I hate myself. I fear i will never heal.
Dear friend,
We are very sorry for your pain. I wish I could make it go away. Fifteen is too young to be despairing! A few things might help you feel better. First, allow yourself to grieve the loss of your baby, let your emotions out – it is okay to cry.
Next, look after your physical health – stay away from weed and alcohol – you'll feel worse when the high wears off. The cycle of highs and lows is bad for you because each low is harder to rebound from. Eating a healthy diet will help stabilize your emotions. Snack on a bit of protein like nuts, chicken or yogurt rather than soft drinks and chips. If the dreams continue to bother you, take power naps where you nap for 10-15 minutes but do not go into a deep sleep. Get a bit of exercise.
Write back and let me know how I can help you. Many women have been in your shoes and have healed. God is very merciful and wants to heal your pain. Check out this website:http://www.arlingtondiocese.org/offices/rachel/
Your friend,
I am going to make my story so what short. I had a bad pregnancy already and had postpardum depression and my husband wanted a divorce. My baby was 9 months old back in the year 2000. My husband said he did not care and would not support me. I was afraid and not strong enough so I thought. I weighed the options when the doctor told me I was going to have another baby instead of being happy I cried. He said remember what you just went through you will be on bedrest right away. My husband was no support and my child was an infant. My car would have been worldly posessions would have been taken away and how would I taken care of my son. At the time, I felt that was the only choice I had. The abortion it self was terrible. I was in a room with women who were there plenty before and some very young girls with there moms. I was alone. I think about my baby everyday. I think about the other choices i could have made. I prayed and I feel God has forgiven me. I dont have any other children except the one and I have not tried. I feel a loss so deep that it cuts like a knife. I feel like someone has died. My heart aches everyday. I know how old my child would have been and I think of what it would be doing now. I wonder if my child would forgive me. I have so many questions. It was painful inside and out. My life has been forever changed. I live everyday for my son and everyday I am trying to forgive myself more. I pray that God forgives me and my child does also one day in heaven. I hope that anyone that considers abortion thinks very hard and long about the impact it has on the rest of your life and your mind. I will never ever forget what I did to my child.
I have had three abortions starting at the age of 20. 21 is the last stage of adolescence. We are officially considered and adult. Due to a hard life with my mentally ill parents, I was depressed as a teen and had little confidence in myself. I craved to be loved and accepted by others. I always created impossible goals for myself and than I would fail. Once I would fail at something I would hate myself more. So, then I turned to drinking and going out to bars all night. Having sex without protection. I dropped out of college. I became pregnant and friends would help me find out how to get an abortion. The abortion clinics did not offer options. They just offered birth control pills. Two abortions later I felt even worse about myself. I said to myself I need to change so I went back to school for nursing and I really wanted to change and help others. So, as I was working and going to school I met my this guy who I really liked, I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We immediately bonded and had premarital sex and due to our carelessness I became pregnant again. In my heart I wanted him to say I will marry you and we will have this baby but the first words out of his mouth was lets get an abortion. I was devastated. Here was the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and he can't commit. I should have left him but I was too weak. I craved his love and I agreed to the abortion. Twelve years later we are married and have two beautiful children but I am still struggling for the choices I have made. I hated myself more and more. I feel my life had not been my own. I lost myself and my heart. After my father died last year I had a dream that the child that I aborted with my husband was with my dad in heaven. She was this beautiful little blonde baby and I named her Sarah. I have been on antidepressants and seeking counseling and struggling with depression for the many years. I am ready to grieve the loss of my child and ask God for forgiveness. I want to let others know that you need to stand strong and be true to yourself even if it feels that your choices are limited and world is against you. God will guide you and protect you. Always follow your heart and stay in God's grace.
Here I am some 20 years later, and it feels like yesterday. I knew I shouldn't have done it. It was everything I was against. Especially God! It's like cancer it slowly eats away at your insides. I'm married now and have two sons and a great husband. I have been to confession (a couple of times!) but the sadness and regret is so overwhelming. If I could save one baby with this, I would scream it out! No one knows what I did. Forgive myself, easier said than done. Please any woman out there facing this decision — Please, Please don't do it. Everything will work out. Be strong, have faith!!
My husband and I had just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary when I found out that I was pregnant (again!). We have three beautiful children (sons). Our youngest was just about to turn one.
I anticipated what everyone would say, so I raced them to the finish line. I, alone, decided upon an abortion. And, I presented the results to the pregnancy test, along with my decision, to my husband.
I begged him to be supportive and he was. I cried myself to sleep every night until it was time for my appointment. We had to travel out of town to achieve anonymity. He stopped me prior to the appointment and announced, "I've been thinking… we can do this!" I refused to listen. The appointment had been made. We had traveled all this way!
I went to the abortion appointment. The office staff was cold. I should have seen this as a sign. But I was selfish. I felt like this was the "right" thing to do at the time. I wish that I could go back. I would give up my own selfish reasons and take responsibility for a child that was made out of love.
Now, I am alone. I can't talk to my friends or family. I wish that someone would have told me how devastating abortion is; to a mother and an unborn child.
Dear B,
Thanks for sharing your painful experience. You must be feeling pretty bad right now. I am sorry. Believe me you are not alone. Many women have been in your shoes and have experienced healing. It's a tough road but it can be done. Contact me at: email@example.com. Confidential help is available and you can talk to me all you want!
Your friend,
I went along with my boyfriends desire to have an abortion three years ago. At the time, I didnt "feel" pregnant, I thought I would be feeling all of these wonderful emotions but all I felt was nausea each day from the morning sickness. I went along with the pregancy because I could justify it logically in my head: we had only just met, we didnt know each other very well, I didnt have a good job or house and didnt think I could support the baby. I also was terrified that because my boyfriend didnt want the baby, he would leave me if I decided to keep it. Another factor was peoples reactions, I only told one or two close friends I was pregnant, and rather than congratulating me and saying how wonderful it was, they asked me what I was going to do. That almost shouted to me that they thought I should abort.
I told myself the baby was only a tiny cluster of cells. Nothing really, certainly not a baby. I went along and explained to the counsellor my very logical reasons and she said that I seemed to have my head in gear. She didnt really counsel me, or probe me, or ask how I was feeling. Sometimes I think if she just had have said one little thing I would have broken down, and not gone through with it.
I had the abortion, after refusing to look at the ultrasound. I didnt want to see it, I didnt want it to be real, then I would have changed my mind.
I felt numb after the surgery, and then I started getting hungry for information. What had my baby really looked like? What did they do with the baby afterward? I was horrified that my "cluster of cells" was in fact a beautiful little fetus shaped baby, tiny but very real. They also disposed of the babies by incineration. I kept saying to my boyfriend that I had killed my baby, they just threw it in the bin and burnt it. Every day I cried and said I was a murderer, I had killed my child.
I became very obsessed with pregnancy and babies and felt a deep pain and sadness upon seeing anything related to babies. I desperately wanted a replacement baby, I kept saying to my boyfriend that my womb feels empty and I need it to be filled. I am still terrifed that I have done permanent damage to my womb, that God will punish me by not allowing me to have the children I so desperately want and crave.
I find it the hardest now when people talk about their pregnancies. I want to join in and shout that I too was pregnant, but I sit quietly and die a little more inside. I dont think the feelings of guilt, sadness, remorse, horror, and pain over what I have done will ever go away.
Dear friend,
Thank you for sharing your painful story. We are so sorry you are hurting. We also understand the difficult circumstances and utter confusion that lead women to abortion clinics. Please understand the feelings you have now are very real and very normal. You don't have to continue to suffer. Steps of healing are available to help you overcome your guilt, sadness and remorse. Please call Project Rachel at 1-888-456-HOPE or 1-800-5WE-CARE. Counselors are available to help you find peace.
May God bless you,
Your friends at Project Rachel
I'm 16 and i had my abortion on june 3 2006! When i found out i was pregnant i was scared and well the baby's father had a girlfriend and he was cheating on her with me and i called his girlfriend's house and told them that her boyfriend had gotten me pregnant. She wanted me and him to take a DNA test to prove that he was the father. The father denied it, but it was his. i wasn't having sex with anyone else but him . The father told me to drink alcohol to kill the baby, but i told him no, that i was gonna keep it and that he had to get a job . he told me no, that he wasn't going to. i haven't talked to him since, but the day i went for my abortion i felt scared and i was still not sure that i wanted to a get an abortion. When they called my name i went in and they told me to change clothes. I waited to get an ultrasound and when i saw my baby on the screen i wanted to cry because i wanted that baby. but my dad is a xxxxx and i didn't know how i would tell him. i didn't want to disappoint him. well after my abortion i felt like i messed up like i had a job to protect my baby and i failed. but i know if i could go back in time i would have not done it at all. i needed more time to think but i was scared of what my dad would do so i had a abortion without thinking it out all the way! now everyday i wake up thinking i miss my baby and i hope that god forgives me. well i urge other girls who are pregnant to not have an abortion because you'll look back and think i'll never know what could have been and never know how your baby would of looked like or what kind a person it would of been.Dear friend,
Thank you so much for reaching out to us at Hope After Abortion. You are so young to have to experience such pain. Please know how sorry we are for your loss. Since your abortion is still very recent please be gentle with yourself. It is important for you to take care of yourself so you can get healthy again!
There are a few things you can begin immediately to help you feel better. Eat healthy protein rich foods, get regular exercise and nap if you are having trouble sleeping. Alcohol and drugs are not a good idea right now. They will make you feel worse in the long run. Refrain from sexual activity. A new pregnancy will not bring back or replace your baby. Here is a website that goes into more detail of caring for yourself after your abortion: http://home.wi.rr.com/noparh/recent.html
You have experienced the devastation that abortion brings. Don't suffer alone. Call Project Rachel at 1-888-456-HOPE or 1-800-5WE-CARE. Understanding people can help you through this difficult time.
Your friend,
21 years ago I was pregnant, unwed and alone. My devout Catholic family was distressed to say the least and it was the worst 9 months of my life. I wanted an abortion, but couldn't get the money. The embarrassment my family felt because of me and unwed pregnancy. The looks in the grocery store of my very young face and then at my hand with no wedding ring. No job, no money, living at home because my parents couldn't kick me to the street. No christmas presents for me that year, just baby things. You see, once you get pregnant, you give up you. No baby shower either, no parties for bad little girls. Alone each day/night, until the big event. Waiting alone in my room each night for the baby I wanted so desperately. He came in the Spring and it was awful being alone with nothing, absolutely nothing. Men didn't see me as a potential mate, they saw me as a playmate. Girls talked about me. My job was able to keep me in a low paying position, because what else was she going to do what with that baby to support and no education. The drinking, the sleeping around, the desperate wanting for someone to love me turned me into a walking disaster. Then the 2nd pregnancy came. My baby was my blessing, but we weren't going to do that again. My friends all had abortions when I was pregnant the first time. They had all met and married wonderful men who adored them and had families and a home, not an apartment on subsidized living income. No scars on them. I was soooo scared and frightened. But I did it, I went dancing that night. The clinic told me I would be just fine. So I did it and I was glad – at first. I convinced myself I did it for the baby I was raising and for my parents. No more Church either, just sex, drinking and only loving the baby I had. The next 4 pregnancies came within 3 years. All the same story, being Catholic taught me sex came with love and sex came without birth control. I just knew these men loved me. Someone had to one day love me, didn't they? No, they didn't. You see after the 1st abortion, the 2nd one is easier and so on and so on. In fact, I was so experienced at this whole process, I could have worked there. The years moved on, the baby is grown now, and I love him more than anything and I am sooooo glad I didn't have the money to murder him. I murdered his brothers and sisters. No one knows but me. I am the only one who knows. I went to confession and confessed the sin of abortion. Not the number. There is no forgiveness when you murder your children. There is no way to describe the moment you fully realize the depth of your selfishness and stupidity. You are hollow to very bottom of your soul. You know that love and forgiveness aren't in your future. You wonder why you go to Church, surely it's a waste. You see babies and think about your dead babies. You think of their names and their birthdates, and how old they would be, what they would look like. Or, you don't think about them. You concentrate very hard on not thinking about them. You know they hate you because you hate yourself. You know that one day when you make it to the final judgment, they will step out and tell the whole world that you are a murderer and laugh when you are sent to hell. The abortion clinics and other people don't tell you this. They don't tell you that one day you will wake up, old and alone with nothing but time to think about your murdered children. The clinics and the prolife groups don't tell you that raising a child out of wedlock is not a fun time, but it is absolutely the best thing I ever did. In fact, once his face appeared in the world, the world was not as dark as it was during the unplanned pregnancy. Suddenly it was filled with a beauty that is undescribable. So, why did I have the 5 abortions it he is so great. Fear, shame, selfishness, denial, loss of faith, are powerful motivators. The devil is everywhere and he can talk you into the most evil of acts. I will never do it again. I want a baby so bad, but I will never have another one. I now have issues with my female organs, which I credit most of to the abuse of my womb that I did to myself. I have no feelings left to want a happy marriage. I know longer have sex, I go to Church, I try. I taught Religious Ed for 3 years, but couldn't do it anymore. I felt like such a hypocrite… There is no choice when you are pregnant. It is a child, not a choice. I wish I had never been given a choice. I would have at least 6 beautiful gifts bestowed upon me, maybe more. Abortion kills you deep inside. You learn to accept it and move on. You are always hollow in your heart. Your womb aches from time and sometimes you swear you can feel the babies in there again. You look in the mirror and see a mother who murdered her children. Other mothers who do that go to prison. Your prison is far worse and never goes away. You are never whole again. You never trust again especially yourself. Two good things came out of my life – my baby and my belief that Devil has tremendous powers so I choose to go to Church for God now and not listen (well, not all the time) to satan.
If you are thinking about it, don't do it. I know that having a baby out of wedlock turned out good. Having an abortion will destroy you. It may take years of mistakes like I made, but when it catches up to you, and it will catch up to you, you will be left alone to face what you did.
Dear friend,
Thank you for contacting us. Your story is very sad and I am sorry you have suffered all these years. Please do not despair. With help the wound in your heart can heal and you will feel whole once again. God loves you and wants you to accept forgiveness. The devil wants you to despair. Confidential help is available. Please contact us. I will keep you in my prayers.
Your friend,
When I was a child, a new friend moved to the neighborhood. What a beautiful, free spirit she was! However, we always disagreed about the sanctity of life. When we graduated from high school, of course we drifted as many friends do. When I found myself in trouble and pregnant, I called on her to help me procure an abortion. She knew how I felt deep in my heart that is was wrong. She helped me do this anyway, knowing my convictions. I do not fault her, it just reinforces my notion of her misguided self-centeredness, as she always did things her way, having an uncanny way of justifying all things wrong in God's sight. I came to her protection, not God's. My sin is greater, I know. I knew, ackowledged I was wrong and proceeded anyway. She had deceived herself into thinking she was justified.I scraped money together twice to come home for the abortion. The first time they sent me away because they knew I was against abortion. A doctor tried to have me listen to the heartbeat of the baby. I know they wanted to give me time to change.
The friend who took me to have the abortion was also there with her sister and her sister's boyfriend. She had had an abortion that day, not the first time. I was sent away pregnant. I went back to the sister's apartment with them. Her boyfriend went out and got her ice cream and pampered her all day long. I think back on that and think of how gross the whole thing was. "Poor so-n-so!" they'd say. What about our babies?
Again, a scraped money together to come home to kill my baby. I sat across the breakfast table from my dad that morning and lied to him about my day. I had gotten up early, something I rarely did. He was curious. I said I was going to a market with my friend, a friend my mother never trusted.
She took me there. She left me there. In the "pre-op," I spoke to another woman who did not want an abortion. Her boyfriend and parents wanted it. I told her I would walk out with her, but she would not go. I should have taken her by the hand, but I did not.
During the procedure, a nurse held my hand. God bless her. I stared at a painting on the ceiling: a Matisse, I think is was. How odd. Comfort during my greatest sin….
When I was in recovery, I balled my eyes out. My friend was not there. She had gone home. I stared at a picture in my wallet of another friend from college who was not with me. Somehow, that brought me great comfort.
I could not stay in that waiting room waiting for my ride any longer. I could not stay in that building or anywhere near it. It was notorious for being an abortion clinic. Had there been protestors that day, I would have not gone in.
I walked around the neighborhood. I found a payphone and called her house. No answer. She helped me do what she would have done, not what I thought I would ever do. Then she abandoned me. True colors shone through that day. It always was about her.
I skipped another friend's wedding to do this. Later that day, I went to that friend's wedding reception and did not stay long. I did this instead of going to her wedding! She has no idea what her anniversary means to me.
The friend who took me to the clinic asked me years later if this was the reason that we again drifted. I told her no. My mind was made up that I was not going to do things God's way. She did not make my decision nor make me do what I did. She simply missed an opportunity, as did I, to go beyond what we want, to offer advice that was right for me in the long term. I think of it as her chance to say, "See, I told you so." The phone rings both ways. She did not call me either over the years.
When we later exchanged e-mail addresses, she always sent me pictures of her precious new baby. I fawned over her for a little while, but when I sent pictures of my new child, nothing. She could care less about my joy. I never heard a damn thing about my precious child. True colors. I don't e-mail anymore. I have nothing left for her but prayers and love. I pray for her forgotten babies and all her sisters' forgotten babies. I pray for the hearts of her entire family. Her father hardened his heart regarding his grandchildren too. Once staunch against abortion, he chose his relationship with his daughters over his relationship with God. Instead of defending his grandchildren, he sided with his daughters to keep peace, to have their love. He is not keeping peace, for his family is now divided against itself. I pray for forgiveness for us all and for our hard hearts to be touched by Jesus Christ.
My child forgives me. This I know by special graces. That is the icing on the cake, because I know that Christ forgave me long ago. Sacramental penance and laying her properly to rest through Project Rachel are invaluable healing rituals
I was 18 years old when I found out I was pregnant. With the dreadful advice of my family I had an abortion. It has been 14 years and I never realized how much pain was buried deep within. The denial was so great that I didn't know that I hated myself so much. I treated myself horrible because of what I had done so long ago. I allowed people treat me bad and I felt I didn't deserve God's love or forgiveness. Most of all, I didn't deserve to live a happy life. My wonderful friend told me about Project Rachel. It was hard to get myself to go see an advisor, but I became so depressed that I had to do something. I have since completed Project Rachel through the Respect Life Program and I've never been happier. My journey towards a better life has begun. I finally feel I deserve better things and I know that God wants me to live a happy life. I have asked and received forgiveness from the Lord for what I did and I have made peace with my beautiful baby Ashley.
I hope and pray that I can one day help someone from making the same mistake. If anyone that reads this is even considering an abortion – PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't do it! I beg you to find a way to have the precious child that God has blessed you with. I know it might be hard, perhaps you have no money, no support from the father, no support from your family. Don't worry, God will bless you and the baby. You will somehow find everything you need. BELIEVE ME if you decide to have an abortion you will regret it for the rest of your life. When all else fails, pray pray pray and keep the faith. Remember that God will never abandon you even during the hardest and worst of times.
Thank you for sharing your story with Hope After Abortion. You are in our prayers.
Although I was forced into my abortion more than 22 years ago, it seems like yesterday. I was 17 at the time, and since my parents were married, I had to go before a judge to get "permission" to have the abortion. You see I turned to my mom for help. My boyfriend didn't want me to have it and neither did I. But my mother was adament about it. I drove to Springfield, MA by myself to confirm my pregnancy, then onto the Superior Court. The judge was extremely understanding and he asked me if that was what I wanted. I explained to him "Yes this is what I wanted." "I want to be able to go to school and be a police officer and help people." This pregnancy would only get in the way I convinced myself. The appointment was made for the procedure. I went with one of my mom's friends who had also had an abortion, the date was May 6, 1983. The abortion got started and finished within a few minutes. They told me at 1:40pm the procedure was finished. They instructed me on birth control, and how to use it. (My boyfriend and I had already been to Planned Parenthood to get a script, I was waiting on my period to start it!!) Well after the abortion I started acting like a screw up. I got involved with the wrong crowd, drinking, doing drugs. The whole bit. My boyfriend and I broke up shortly after the abortion, I found out he had been cheating on me. There goes my trust in men out the door. I felt so alone. My mom forced me into this and the guy I cared about abandoned me. He was my first! We were supposed to be together forever! He probably hated me, he never spoke to me after that. Can't blame him – I hated myself. Needless to say it has affected me and my mom's relationship. That hurts the most, the person in life whom you are supposed to trust the most, you can't. I envy women who have good relationships with their moms. Mine is filled with regret and anger. As for the guy I saw him a few months ago in a local store. I didn't recognize him at first when he was staring at me. But after I did I just put my head down in shame. My husband knows about my past and has forgiven me. I need to forgive myself.
Dear M,
Thank you very much for sharing your story with us. We are very sorry you have been hurting these 22 years. It is very difficult when the people we trust the most persuade us to do something against our will. They believe they are offering the "best" solution and are hoping the problem will just go away. Unfortunately we know better! If only your mother could have foreseen the devastation her choice would bring upon you.
It appears you have married a wonderful man who loves you despite your "past". You are lucky to have that support. As he has forgiven you, so you need to forgive yourself, and eventually your mom. First allow yourself to grieve your losses – the loss of your child, and the loss of the relationship with your mother. Harboring ill feelings feeds your anger and gets in the way of true healing. Ask God for the patience to work through your anger and regret.
God's mercy is so great, He wants all of His children to be happy. Healing is available for you too, and forgiveness is a big step on the path to healing. Call Project Rachel at 1-888-456-HOPE. We care about you.
Your friend,
Guilt, anger, frustration, loneliness, hate, self loathing. Drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, abuse…these words swirled before me as the tears stream down my cheeks. I read the words Project Rachel and before clicking the link I knew that this was where God was leading me…Rachel would be 12 years old now…how could I have killed her, why did I do it. And what about the others who to this day I do not know if they were boys or girls. Yesterday (Nov 26) was my "oldest" live children's birthday…22 years old…and what about thier 23 year old sibling? They know nothing about them. I buried them…in my heart…in my mind. The Lord forgave me, I will never forgive myself. No one forced me, I did it. Twenty three years and it never gets better…seven beautiful, precious children later and the hole only gets deeper. Now I find that my first grandchild was aborted and the Devil tells me "This is your punishment"…Will this ever stop…
Dear L *
I'm so glad you shared your story with us and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone in your feelings. One of the next hardest steps on the road to healing is forgiving ourselves. Guilt and shame often bind us and keep us from accepting God's unconditional love and unfathomable mercy. God is always faithful. As you have turned to Him in the past, ask the Holy Spirit to open your heart so that you may receive the grace to forgive yourself. God's desire for you is wholeness. He yearns to be with you for all eternity. Make that your mission…and remember: all things are possible with God.
The healing of our deep internal wounds will take time, so be compassionate with yourself as a reflection of God's care for you, his beloved daughter, made in His image and likeness. "The wound in your heart may not have yet healed. Certainly what happened was and remains terribly wrong. But do not give in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly. If you have not already done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness and his peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation." – Gospel of Life
May God bless you during this season of hope and take comfort in the words of the Prophet Jeremiah, "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the LORD." -Jeremiah 29:11-14
Your friend,
At age 17 my life fell apart, a part of me was taken away because i couldn't make anyone see that this was meant to be. I was against abortion and always said i would never do anything like that. Now, i suffer everyday from making the biggest mistake of my life! Never think that the feeling will go away because it's always gonna be there, the feeling there is something i could have done to prevent this. And i know there was a way for this to be only if it were left up to me not my parents. Sometimes i get so mad and discouraged just because i know that NOW there is nothing i can do about it. I try to make myself think that everything is for a reason, but i know in my heart that it wasn't. My heart will never be whole again no matter what is done or said because i have to live with myself. And never will i forgive my parents for all the pain they caused inside. But it's not their fault it's mine! I am my own person. Have faith and believe in yourself is my goal.
I had an abortion 23 years ago in college and it has haunted my life since the moment I woke up from the anesthesia. I wanted them to "put it back" but the realization soon came that the baby was dead and that I had paid them to kill her. I spent the next years getting drunk to ease the pain. It didn't work. I even had sex again with the father to try and replace the baby I had lost. Fortunately I did not become pregnant again because I was in no shape at that time to be anybody's parent. I watched both my siblings being infertile for many years and had to see my mother desperate for a grandchild but unknowing that she had one that was dead. Abortion is a pain like nothing you can imagine. I was a mother who had taken her baby's life in the most violent way and now I must somehow live with that. I have since been blesed with two children who are unaware of my first baby. I will tell them someday in an effort only to spare them of this grief should either one be in a similar situation. If only I had realized what I actually was doing at the time. I am sorry for what I have done and I know that my baby and God know my pain and my sorrow. I wonder about my child and how she would be and I wonder what I would be like as the me I was before this. I aborted my baby's life and I aborted my own soul.
If anyone who is considering an abortion should read this, please do not have an abortion. Please do not do this to your baby and to yourself.
I'm 22 years old and in February of 2005 my boyfriend (of 7 yrs.) and I experienced an abortion, something I never thought we would have to go through, it is something that we would never ever choose to do again…the regret is unexplainable. There is nothing worse then wanting a baby and then having to endure something like this. When I see a child I think of mine, how he/she would have looked. I don't think any women should have to go through this, ever. I have sinned, I pray to God and my baby for forgiveness, how will I ever know if I am forgiven?! For anyone thinking about an abortion, talk to someone first for the regret will never ever go away. Know all of the choices you have instead of abortion. God bless you
I was raised by devout Caholics and therefore rejected their beliefs as simple and unenlightened. I prided myself on my intellect and my ability to meet life with reason and calm.
I was 21 years old when I discovered that I was pregnant. I was terrified to tell my very religious parents. Due to the society in which I found myself, I truly believed that abortion was a simple surgical procedure-something like having a tumor removed.
I woke up from the procedure sobbing-as do most women-even though they don't talk about it. The nurses said it was hormonal, but I knew it was something else.
It was then that I felt the incredible loss. Nothing prepared me for what I began to feel. From a very deep, nonintellectual level, I realized what I had done and I was devastated.
For years I suffered from depression and self loathing. Friends could not understand why I was so upset. "People have abortions all of the time", they would tell me. I felt as if something was wrong with me for being so upset.
It is now 18 years later, and I will never be the same. I'm not sure if I should be. I have an incredible value for life. I understand how precious the birth process is and how very important women are.
I will never judge a woman who has an abortion, but I will certainly warn her of the consequences. Even if we do not understand what we have done on an intellectual level, we feel it on a spiritual one. Abortion is a spiritual death. I cry for the young women who undergo this. They have no idea how it can destroy them.
Thank you for sharing your story. We are truly sorry for what you have been through, both at the time of the abortion and even now after so many years. We want you to understand that your experiences before, during and after the abortion are normal because you are a human person made in the image and likeness of God. Our bodies are the expressions of our very personhood; what we do to our bodies, we do to the rest of ourselves as well.
Like so many women and girls today, you were led to believe that somehow you could separate the abortion experience from the rest of yourself. However, as your letter indicated, you have suffered psychological and spiritual devastation as well because you – as a person – are an integrated whole – in other words, when you had the invasive procedure, it altered your hormones, which in turn can cause depression; this can then upset the appetite so that you don't want to eat, which can also lead to low blood sugar/depression, etc.; this in turn can cause a loss of desire to sleep or even get any kind of exercise, which again can bring on depression.
Unfortunately, society sells us so many lies: That abortion is a simple procedure, and that everything will be the same; not to be upset, as it happens all the time. All this can make us think that something is wrong with us if we suffer afterward. We're not even allowed to publicly grieve and talk about the loss of our unborn child and of the violation of our own personal dignity as women.
If you have not already done so, we encourage you to contact Project Rachel for assistance in healing. Many have experienced the same devastation as you have, and can shed light on abortion's aftermath to others without judgment.
In this month of November, as we honor our deceased loved ones, let us continue to pray for better options for women, other than having to undergo the countless consequences of abortion. Again, we thank you for sharing your story with us. Please know that you will be remembered in our prayers. The following website expresses just how much the Church cares:http://www.arlingtondiocese.org/offices/rachel/pr-encourage.html
Your friend,
I was thirteen the first time I was pregnant. I was scared and didn't know what to do. Hope after abortion saved my life. I don't know what I would have done without it.
Dear "L___",
Thank you so much for sharing your story at www.hopeafterabortion.org. Help, healing and hope for anyone who has had an abortion is available through Project Rachel, a post-abortion recovery ministry. We invite anyone to call us at 1(888) 456-HOPE. You can also find out about a program close to home at our Project Rachel page. Call anytime you want to talk to a confidential friend without judgment.
We pray that God will continue to help you and bless you!
Your friend,
I was 25 years old and engaged. The wedding was 7 months off when I found out I was pregnant. It would have ruined everything, the ceremony, the dress, the honeymoon. So I walked in an abortion clinic, paid the money, sat in line, had the abortion and thought nothing of it. It was only this little tadpole looking thing so it never really bothered me. I had that big beautiful wedding, and honeymoon and no one except my fiance and mother knew what I had done. No one tried to talk me out of it. A year later I gave birth to our first child who is now 24. My second child, a son came 3 years after that. We were a happy family, until. … My sister had a child years later. This child was born at 22 weeks and weighed less than one pound. I remember standing over her tiny little body in awe. She was shorter than a telephone receiver and you could see blood running through her tiny veins. It occurred to me at that very moment what I had done years before. It occured to me that woman got abortions past this date. I did research and I did not like what I found. I became depressed, suicidal. I never tried taking my life but the thought never left my mind. …I gave my life to Christ on 9/11 as the buildings in New York came crashing down. This was 20 years after my abortion. For the first time I felt peace. He filled that hole inside me. Christ forgave me and made me a new person. Today, I am active in my state's Right To Life organization. I have a wonderful husband of 25 years and two children that I adore. I have watched my sister's child who overcame so many obstacles in her life grow into a perfectly healthy 13 year old young lady.
God has blessed my life.
A special note to M____ who had an abortion at age 14 when a cop threatened to charge the baby's father:Thank you for sharing your story at www.hopeafterabortion.org . Because of your age I am not going to post your story, but please know that I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced. You are not alone. There is help, healing and hope available through abortion recovery programs all over the world.
Please contact me with your information such as your country or city so that I can direct you to the best services nearest to you. All assistance is offered confidentially and without judgment.
On the chance that you live in the U.K., you could contact the Good Counsel Network for free help:
The Good Counsel Network, PO Box 46679, LONDON NW9 8ZT, ENGLAND
Tel: Outside UK 00 44 20 7723 1740 Within the UK 020 7723 1740
E mail: email@example.com
You are very special and I am glad you have taken this important first step. Please call or e-mail us soon so that the right resources can be shared and the healing process can continue for you.
You may also look at these links for more information:
Project Rachel
National Office for Post Abortion Reconciliation and Healing
Abortion Recovery Directory
Your friend,
I was 20, in love… and wound up pregnant. It wasn't the right time for me. Coming from a Catholic family I knew my choice would be a wrong one… but nonetheless I made it. I had an abortion. To this day my parents still do not know b/c their disappointment would be too much to bear. Especially my dad who is a pro-life advocate. …I got pregnant in January 2004 at the age of 28. My husband and I were elated. I always thought that I would be punished and that I would never be able to have children. My whole pregnancy although I was happy I was constantly worried that my baby would be unhealthy or worse b/c I had had an abortion. Not to mention the fact that I felt as though I simply didn't deserve to have a child.
In October I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I still feel like I don't deserve her. The love I feel for her is the most wonderful thing I have ever felt. And the remorse I feel for having an abortion is overwhelming. Abortion is not a way out… and it's not something I would EVER recommend to anyone. Every day I see something that reminds me and makes me feel horrible about myself for doing so. I actually live near a highway intersection where there are several pro-life billboards. I guess my punishment is having to see them every day and remember that I was the one that stopped a heart from beating.
I wish there was something I could do to help other young women realize that even though an unplanned pregnancy is a less than desirable situation… the consequences of having an abortion are far greater than I had thought they would be.
My mother was an alcoholic ever since I was born so I am now 17 living with my grandparents. Always wondering why my mom never got better there was a motive for her drinking. I found out that she was forced to have an abortion, by the guys family, she killed herself a year ago. So much for a choice.
Abortion was the worst thing I have ever done. I feel like another person was laying on that table, I can hardly remember the actual event at all. I just remember the nurse covering my mouth because "my screaming would frighten away the women waiting outside." I hope to God it did. I hope that my story deters women who read it from making the same decision I did. I can tell you all that your soul will never be the same. You will never be "right with God" again. You will never look at a baby again and not think of your own. You will always fear dying yourself for what awaits you in the after life. You will never feel happiness like before an abortion but your sorrow and self loathing will be beyond anything you can imagine.I tried to rationalize my decision by saying things like I couldn't have given the baby a good life, I would have been a terrible mother, how would I explain that my baby's father never even wanted to lay eyes upon it, my parents would be embarassed to have me for a daughter. Now I know these aren't reasons, and that abortion is not a mistake but a conscious decision to sacrifice one life for another. I know that I would never under any circumstance have another abortion, even if it resulted in my own death. The only thing that gives me any comfort is that I plan to adopt a baby. I am getting married soon and have already made it clear to my fiancee that this is something I MUST do (though he doesn't know why I am so fixated on it). I ask God every day to forgive me and watch over my baby. Hopefully he will give me the time here on Earth to repent for my abortion so that I can be reunited with my baby in heaven.
And to all those who are considering abortion, please choose ANYTHING else. It will be hard. People may abandon you, there may be many financial and emotional hardships you will have to endure but at least when you die you can say I made a sacrifice FOR my child not OF my child. J.
Dear J,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. We wish you well in your upcoming plans for marriage, and we hope and pray that you will embrace God's merciful love as you prepare to give the gift of yourself to that special someone for the rest of your life. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to enhance this time of preparation for you. The marital act is profound, holy and good; and children are a unique tangible expression of the love between a husband and a wife. But, this can be difficult to internalize for women who have experienced an abortion. If you have not already done so, please take advantage of the hope and healing that are available through Project Rachel. Such healing will restore wholeness, and thus prevent the abortion from becoming a barrier to the intimacy so beautiful and necessary within marriage. Remember that God is much bigger than we are … and He forgives much more readily than we can imagine!
Your friend,
I got pregnant at the age of 20, when i contacted the baby's father i found out he was married. I got a letter back from his wife which was not at all pleasant. My mother decided on abortion, i was born with a blood disorder. My consultant haematologist advised abortion, as the baby would be affected. Recently i had reason to get copies of my medical records, to my horror this was not the case. This woman consultant not only judged me but, insisted i should not have the baby. I have three now grown up children, i love them dearly, but can't forget my first child. I had the abortion on the grounds of this Dr's advice. I could have given birth to this baby. It is hard to live with this knowledge.
Dear Friend,
Thank you for contacting the Hope After Abortion website. I am sorry that you have been suffering all these years. Many women are coerced into abortion by well meaning people that they love and/or trust. I want you to know that you are not alone!
Project Rachel is a ministry that helps women and men find healing from the wounds of abortion. We can provide you with information to help you understand the emotions you have been experiencing, or we can put you in touch with trained professionals who can help you work through the healing process. You have already taken the first step by posting your story on the website — there is hope and healing available — we are here to help you. We can be contacted at 1-888-456-HOPE or by email: firstname.lastname@example.com.
Your Friends at Project Rachel
I would be 26 weeks along right now. It breaks my heart to know that I "chose" this for my child. My own flesh and blood. My boyfriend had been having a hard time and I moved out. I met an old friend of 4 years and we "hooked up". I moved back with my boyfreind after a couple of weeks. Only to find out I was pregnant. But by who? I can't believe what a fool I've been. I'm 33 years old with 3 children already. How could I have been so careless? My boyfriend came with me to the clinic, but I still felt alone even with him sitting next to me. I cried the whole way home from the clinic, which was over 2 hours away. Iwas already 13 weeks along. You know, they say your baby's heart is beating after 18 days. So, did I break it when I chose to get this procedure done? I know that it has definitely broken mine. I am soooo sorry to my little baby. I call him my little Baby Troy. But no one knows this NO ONE! I told everyone that I miscarried. And everytime someone brings it up I cry but not for the reason they think. I miss my baby so much. I have such a huge emptiness. If anyone is considering an abortion –Please think again, it's a quick fix but the aftermath is much worse than could ever be expected.
It's almost 1am on Tuesday June 28, 2005. I was 21 years old when I gave up my child. I'm 42 and not a day goes by that I don't think about my one true horrible regret. I've made all the wrong decisions in relationships from that point on and now I sit here without kids of my own and probably without any chance of ever having a child. Something in my soul tells me my baby would have been a boy. I would have named him Matthew. If it had been a sweet baby girl, she would have been named Tina after my still-born sister whom I never got to know, and also my Mother's name. When I get to heaven, God willing, I want to say I'm sorry to my child face to face. For every bad thing that happens in my life…and there is a long trail of heartaches, financial trouble, family loss… I always think this is my cross to bear for my sin. I know the Lord forgives me, but still to this day I have not completely forgiven myself nor have I completely healed.
If you're someone thinking there is no other way out other than abortion, please think again… don't do it. The emptiness in your heart and soul will haunt you forever. ~ There are so many heartbreaking stories here at this website… and there are no accidents … there is a reason for my typing in the word "hope" at 1:00 a.m. in the search window. God Bless.
I'm 13 and my boyfriend and I had had sex dozens of times but one day I told him I couldn't get pregnant. We didn't pull out and I got pregnant. We were madly in love. He was the only thing that made me happy. When I told my dad I was pregnant he told me I could either get rid of it or leave. I had no where to go. I couldn't discuss anything with my boyfriend b/c we were banned from each other, so I decided to have an abortion. I was numb every since I saw the test so It wasn't really me making the decision. I felt like it didn't affect my life. It was kind of just an inconvienience. Now that it is over i see mothers walking around with their babies or their pregnant bellies and it makes me want to die. I want their babies to be my baby who is now jesus's child. I wish she or he will forgive me. I also hope God will forgive me and give me the strength to get over my selfishness. Also my boyfriend is with someone else so I'm completely alone, without my baby.
When I spoke the words of what I was going to do out loud, it was almost as if I was outside of my body. I had been given every advantage in life. I came from a loving and stable home where I was raised in the Catholic faith, I was educated in private schools, I was seemingly together. I thought I was a good person. How could I have let this happen? How could I have destroyed my life this way?
I was in a terribly lonely marriage, not abusive, just a case of two people who were too young and had very little in common. But we kept sticking it out. I met the father during this time. We understood one another and we became close friends. We had been together one time during what could be described as a serious lapse of judgment and I discovered I was pregnant a few weeks later. I was in my late 20's, and I was pregnant by a man who was not my husband. The father and I felt we had no other choice. We cared for each other deeply, had made a terrible mistake and jointly decided that we could not destroy our families, the people who loved us, with the knowledge of what we had done. We thought we were sparing the people around us in order to live with the consequences ourselves. But I also knew there was no hope of ever reconciling my marriage after what I had done and the secret I kept. I was exhausted and dizzy among other things but I would never experience the natural joy and anticipation that should have been associated with those uncomfortable feelings. I never thought of what was inside of me as an invader, as the enemy, but rather with as much detachment as I could. I even rationalized that at only 6 weeks, perhaps it was not yet a baby – how could I bring myself to think of it as a baby? I thought about running away, hiding it from everyone. I lacked the courage to stand up for our child. We both did.
He wanted to be with me at the clinic, but I refused. I was too ashamed for him to see me in a place like that. There were several other girls and women in the waiting room on that cold December morning. The women from the clinic were very precise, very matter-of-fact as they moved us, one by one, from room to room. Like cattle, I kept thinking. The counselor described the procedure to me. I had chosen not to use a sedative for a number of reasons. First, because that would have required that someone else to drive me, and I had already decided against that. I was also afraid of the further risk of complication that may have my deed discovered. Finally, I had decided not to hide from what I was doing, that I deserved the punishment of knowing. The counselor seemed to notice I was upset so she handed me a pamphlet to read afterward. She asked me no questions, not even if I was sure of my decision. I guess I expected I would have been given more of an opening to exercise my right to choose in such a situation. She took the money and I was ushered into the next room.
The experience was humiliating, brutally invasive and painful. When I heard the machine turn on, the nurse told me not to be frightened. I wanted to run away, but I knew if I could just lie there a few more minutes the doctor would soon be finished. She held my hand, told me to breathe, said I had done a great job when it was over. Some women say they never forget the sound of that machine, but for me that sound has somewhat faded. What I will never forget is the feeling of my child being ripped away from my body. It wasn't until that moment that I truly understood what I had done, but by then it was too late to change it. I still feel that sensation today; I think it will stay with me forever. Afterwards, I started to feel faint and nauseous, so the nurse put a container beside me and told me to turn my head in case I became sick. When I did I saw what was in the sink. It was a clear plastic bag. There was so much blood. The nurse was asking the doctor if the tissue looked normal or if it needed to be sent to a lab. He said it looked fine. I just kept thinking that it wasn't "tissue," that it was our baby in that plastic bag. The cruel indignity of it was almost unbearable. The next place they sent me was to the recovery room where they gave me a soda, made sure I wasn't bleeding too much and sent me home.
When I left, I had expected to feel guilty and ashamed and I did. I expected to feel physical pain, although perhaps not as much pain as I experienced. What I did not expect was to feel a deep and overpowering sense of loss, a need to grieve. But how could I mourn this loss when I had inflicted the pain upon myself? How could I love something so much when I had denied its very life? The father grieved as much as he could too, and I think he really tried to understand the utter emptiness I felt. Something was missing. We spoke of it as much as we could, we shared a lot of tears. We sincerely apologized to each other, and I think we each privately apologized to our baby, although we did not acknowledge that with one other. I apologize to her all the time, and I truly, truly mean it. We promised we'd keep this secret to our graves. We remain close friends and have not mentioned it in some time. But it's still there.
It's been a year and a half and I still wake up in the middle of the night with the knowledge of what I've done. I took the life of my baby. And I think of her every day when I am alone. Sometimes I love her so much I cry uncontrollably from the pain of losing her. Sometimes I fear for my very soul. I can't allow myself to think of her otherwise, people would be able to read my mind, they would know. And the reason I did what I did was so nobody would ever know. I feel like a hypocrite around my family. Wrapped in the guise of protecting them, I robbed them of their grandchild, their niece, their cousin. I betrayed my husband in the worst way possible. And I am so very sorry for all of these things. Until very recently, I didn't understand how other people can get over this and I cannot. I resented my Catholic upbringing, I was sure it alone was the source of my endless guilt and overwhelming sadness. Other people didn't feel this way.
Yesterday I was alone for much of the day and it was a rough day. I remembered seeing Patricia Heaton on television a few months ago speaking about Feminists for Life, and I felt strangely compelled to visit the website. Between the personal stories, publications and links to organizations of people who recognize and provide compassionate support for post-abortion trauma, I couldn't believe what I was reading. For the first time I realized there are many, many women who experience the severe emotional, psychological and spiritual wounds of abortion that I do. I had no knowledge of post-abortive counseling and healing options; the women at the clinic, not even the "counselor," informed me of the existence of organizations such as Project Rachel or Rachel's Vineyard. If this procedure is the simple removal of some extraneous tissue with no recognized value or civil rights in our society, than why is there such a great need for these groups?
I've always considered myself a feminist. I believe an educated, empowered and beautiful woman is an exquisite treasure of nature. I also used to think I was pro-choice. I didn't like the idea, but I thought abortion was a necessary evil. I also thought I'd never be in a position where it so intimately entered my life. Now I know that I was wrong on both counts. Abortion is not a real choice. It is an act of desperation by women and girls who are confused, vulnerable, and often alone. It is a last resort for those who believe they have no other choice. It is an act of violence and the ultimate objectification of women and their unborn children. If those who fight to protect the availability of abortion sincerely realized what it does to a woman and what it takes away from her, how many would continue to advocate an affliction so damaging to her fellow sisters and their unborn? How is that pro-woman?
Abortion is not a feminist concept. It is not natural, nor is it an acceptable solution to an unplanned pregnancy, a genuine solution that recognizes and embraces the true needs of women. It denies the beauty of one of the most profound and mysterious gifts we have as women by pitting us and the demands of our society against our own children at their earliest and most vulnerable stage of life. It disparages us of an important and wonderful aspect of our identity. Feminism is not about robbing women of who we are; it's about celebrating womanhood. It's about justice for women and children at all stages of life. At least that's what it's supposed to be. How did we get so lost and why don't more women recognize this until it is too late?
Perhaps one day I will believe that both God and my child can forgive me for what I've done. Perhaps I will even forgive myself. At the very least, I now realize there is hope, perhaps even peace in my future. I realize that despite my terrible mistake, I still have an opportunity to bestow honor and dignity to my lost child. I am committed to reaching out for the help I need to heal. It is in this spirit that I write these words, words I couldn't even bring myself to think about before now. I am further committed to sparing other women, my sisters, from the pain I know too well. To them I say don't believe you have only one choice. To them I say, choose life!
I am a 45 yr. old that has been married for 27 yrs. At the age of 16 i had a abortion, 29 yrs. later it's as fresh in my mind and heart as if it was yesterday. The pain and memories of that awful decision i made 29 yrs. ago will not lighten up. I think of that day and my baby every single day. I try to picture what my baby would look like as well as what (his or her) future would hold had i not tried to play GOD and took my baby's life. I have two other children that are my life, as happy as they have made me just think how happy my life could be with 3 children.
I have ask the good Lord to forgive me for what i have done and he has. But i can not forgive myself, There is no excuse for the decision I made to take my baby's life but i was young and didn't know which way to turn. I was so afraid of what my parents would do as well i didn't want to let them down. I decided to save their heart and kill my on flesh and blood. I have keep this inside for a lot of years no one knows about this except my husband which was the baby's father, yes i ended up marrying him anyway and now i wonder if he feels hurt toward me even though we both made the decision. And guess what even though my parents didn't know, I know in my heart they would be hurt a lot worse knowing what i did, rather than telling them i was pregnant. So please if you read my letter and are considering an abortion please know that there are ways of things working out, Don't do something that you will regret the rest of your life. If you can't take care of your baby there are so many loving people that would give your baby a loving and christian home. Please pray for me and forgive me.
i thought posting my story on a website would be my first step to recovery.
it is exactly a year ago that i had a abortion, june 17, the date is imprinted in my mind and my entire life. there isnt a morning that doesnt go by that i feel empty and that something is missing. last year this time i was 16, i had a sexual relationship with my boyfriend that was also 16 at the time. i come from a wealthy home and a loving family.
this being my first sexual relationship i was naive to think i wouldnt get pregnant. with the same boyfriend i got involved deeply into drugs and spent day in and day out making love and drugging.
then reality hit me hard and cold, i was pregnant, scared and alone. both my boyfriend and i were so young that till today he still doesnt realize what really happend, and one day when he has his own children i pray that he will realise the pain of even thinking of losing a child.
i went to nearby doctor, gave a fake name, age and address so that he wouldnt realise me in the future. i had a waitering job at the time and worked every night after school to pay for the doctors bills.
after having the first set of pills i went home and broke down on my bed in tears, i still remember that exact feeling of absolute hopelessness and knowing definitely i would regret it later. i was an A candidate at school and my passion was 2 study medicine after school. my drug habits had slightly affected my school work but not 2 seriously that anybody would notice.
i didnt tell a soul except for my boyfriend in the hope that he could help me pay for it, as he came from a very wealthy family 2, but his life revolved around drugging worse than before and wouldnt give up a cent that would cost him his next high …
i knew he cared, but getting high was more important to him at that time and still is today. which is so sad since it is the carelessness of drugs that has caused me so much pain in my life.
eventually after 6 doctor visists and a bill of more than a thousand rand, the baby had been expelled "succcessfully"..
the relief was overwhelming that i had survived this traumatic experience and i remember being so cross with myself and everybody who loved me because i was such a murderer and a liar. my mother absolutely loves children and wouldnt even have flinched at the thought of keeping mine but i was 2 proud to ask anyone for help.
8 months later i was deeply depressed, had developed an eating disorder and couldnt sleep a full night because of my extremely bad drug habits. my school work had dropped to a C standard and my mother, being the most caring person i will ever know decided to look into my life.
just to hold onto a bit of a memory of my dead baby i had kept all the doctors recepts and prescriptions, empty capsules, everything just to show myself i really did care. she found all these clues and the hundreds of drug suppplies stuffed around my room. including packets of food i would polish down and then throw up shouting and crying whilst cutting myself.
she fetched me that afternoon from my boyfriends house, i was so high on cocaine and anything else i could find i didnt even recognise her, after a very long and quiet car trip of me tripping and thinking very scary thoughts, any person that has used drugs will understand that absolute sensation of being so paranoid it feels good!
she started crying as we got home and explained that she knows everything and that shes here for me.. coming down from my trip i was furious with her for scratching where she shouldnt and told her that i will never trust her just like she doesnt trust me anymore…it was a relief and an embarrassment and all i wanted to was to get high again…i scratched through our medicine cuboard and found anything that will just release my from the "real" world and ended up sleeping in vomit next to the toilet that night.
she lied to me the following day and said we were going shopping and took me straight to a psycologist … i was absolutely fuirous and refused to talk to him..
after seeing him and being put on a series of very strong anti-depressants to "open me up" i still dont talk to him…and i dont think i will ever be able to fully express the absolute emptyness of having lost your child through an abortion.. u think that you might solve the "problem" but by having an abortion, but you create a lifetime of problems, and now only after a year i am able to think about it. but still cant pass words about it over my lips…
my advice to any girl who is pregnant and is considering an abortion: ive been there and ive analysed my life since then and it has just gotten worse, my drug habits are through the roof, i have lost the trust of people around me, been arrested for possesion of more drugs than a nigerian druglord, i dont sleep, cry day and night, had experienced suicide failures and forgotten that people around me care so i often wonder maybe it was GODS choice for me to have the child to put responsibility in my life and to show me what unconditional love is as i dont feel that i deserve it in any way.
the question that i wanted to ask people when i was pregnant and considering an abortion was, do you regret it and everywhere on all the websites every single girl i came accross said that it is the thing that will haunt her for the rest of her life..
the process of my abortion was not that painful as it was in its early stages but the stress and emotional pain that came with it will haunt me, the loss and emptyness in my being.
my absolute dependency on drugs and people around me has ruined my life…i have a deep sense of hate and insecurity that i deal with all the time that i believe came from having the abortion.
i have developed OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) this year after trying to get clean from drugs.. i wash my hands till they bleed and excercise extensively till i get sick. i feel dirty and blemished, i have since january left my boyfriend, and went back to an older ex boyfriend of mine.
he doesnt know about the abortion and will never, since i have promised myself i wont be able to tell him, since he has a deep love of children and want to one day have a child with me.
before becoming pregnant i went to the chemist to try and get some contraceptive pills,the lady behind the till said i would have to obtain them from a nurse or a doctor…this immediately scared me off and i till this day somehow hold medical practitioners responsible for my preganancy and abortion since it was easier for me to have an abortion than to get contraceptive pills.
i will die with the guilt of killing my own child, and miss him everyday and night, i feel my maternal instincts and hormones have gone haywire and therefore all these mental diseases have errupted.
it is a womans gift to be able to create and give birth…dont destroy it as i have..
make the right decision …
I was 19 yrs old when i ran away from home to live with my boyfriend. I was 20 when i first got pregnant and i did not know what to do. I felt ashamed because i knew that i had let down my parents, myself and most of all GOD. My boyfriend at the time let me know in no uncertain terms that i had to have an abortion, becuase he hated kids. I went to this doctor that i knew that does abortions i sat in his office for an whole hour because i was so upset, because i did not want to do it. But i felt like i had no other choice. He gave me the injection and a prescription to get 10 tablets and he told me how to take them and go home and lay down. That it would all pass out like a painful period. When i got home that afternoon, i was sick i just laid down and slept. Later that night i started feeling some pains in my stomach, i got up to go to the bathroom and realized that i was bleeding, so i cleaned up myself then next thing i knew i was hemmoraging badly. Blood was pouring out of me like a burst pipe. M boyfriend was at work at the time, and his sister and cousin lived with us, so they had to call the ambulance and take me to the hospital, by the time i got there i was pale as a ghost, because i had lost so much blood. I laid there waiting on a doctor and almost lost my life. The nurses and doctors kept asking me if i was pregnant and if i did anything and i lied, i told them that i did not know if i was pregnant and that i had not done anything. So they did not know what to do with me. I laid on that hospital bed, losing my life. They ran tests and told my family (who i had to call) that i had a spontaneous miscarriage. They fixed me up at the hospital and sent me home. I have been lying to my family ever since. My boyfriend and i stayed together and ever since then i have been trying for another baby, because i felt that i had to correct the wrong i had done, unfortunately, i commited murder and great sin, so i believed that my womb was cursed, i had 3 miscarriages.
My boyfriend and i eventually got married and October 2003 I gave birth to my son. I love him dearly, but i am still depressed and feel an emptiness inside of my heart. My husband and i are seperated and going to divorce. I still have a lot of healing to do. I often get depressed and think of myself as a failure and want to die. However, I know that one day the Lord will deliver me from what i am going through. And that he will forgive me and heal me and make me a better person and a great mother to my son. I hope that anyone reading this can learn from my mistakes and also say a prayer for me and anyone else going through this situation.
I had an abortion 19 years ago and still grieve silently. The most difficult ongoing challenge is to look at the two beautiful children I have now, and realize that I took away one. I wonder if they knew, would they think of me badly. I have had counseling, I am a licensed counselor, and I have tried to talk about it with my husband, who is very understanding…. The fact is this grief feels like it is now part of who I am. I have several friends who also had abortions, and none of them have children now. I think this is interesting. I love children, and my reason for having an abortion was based on extreme fear of my father. I was very active in school and had already made college plans. I panicked. I do not fall apart on the outside, and to talk with me, you would never know the hidden grief, but I truly want to connect with women who share my story. Usually, counselors are pro choice and hold a view that did not connect to my feelings about abortion. I hope to hear from others who have made it to another level of grief and still value the child they could have had….
Dear L_____,
Thank you, for contacting the hope after abortion website. I'm very sorry that you are hurting and want you to know that you are not alone in your sorrow. Others have felt the way you do and eventually healed from their abortion wounds. You can too.
An abortion is a very traumatic experience, so give your body and spirit a chance to heal. Be gentle with yourself. Watch your diet and stay away from sugar and salt – you know the ingredients that make one's blood sugar rise and fall. The idea is to stabilize your physical health so your spirit can heal as well. Take "power naps" if you can't sleep. Get some exercise to trigger the good endorphins in your system.
With time, the pain will lessen, but remember healing is a journey. Lauren, you have taken a huge step already in this journey by sharing your story so soon. Know that you can entrust your baby to God's care and that He loves and forgives you. Finally, I want you to know that I am here for you if you need any help. Below I have posted some websites which you may find helpful. Please do not hesitate to call me at 1-888-456-HOPE or email: firstname.lastname@example.com.
Your friend,
I am 16 years old and i live in Nebraska. I am dating a guy who is 19 years old. We have been going out for a little over a month now and we have already been through alot. We had had sex and about three weeks later i found out that i was pregnant. I was scared and i didn't tell my parents. The only person that i told was my boyfriend and his brother. Before we chose to have an abortion i thought that if my parents would find out that my boyfriend would get locked up. I didn't know that since i am 16 years old that he could not get into trouble. But we becided to have an abortion because i was trying to keep my boyfriend out of trouble, and also to keep me out of trouble with my parents. Every day i think about it and it really bothers me. I hate myself for even doing something like that. To tell you the truth, yes i wanted the baby, but i felt that i couldn't keep it because i was too young. It is hard to think about it because i know that i once had a baby inside of me and i made it die. Even though i do not have my daughter or son anymore i still consider me as a mother. I pray every day that God will forgive me for the choice that i made and will let me be with my baby and him when it is my turn to leave this earth.
I am 27 years old a mother of a six year old boy.
I had an abortion on october 27 2004. here is an entry from my diary.
I still cry almost every night and day. Its been 5 months almost to the day that i aborted my…(i can barely say it) since i had the abortion. April 15 was our due date.
I wish i could say that i have no regrets but i cant because i do. I wish i hadn't done what i did. I was so scared and alone and i still am. I awake trembling some times and have scary dreams. Its so hard for me to forgive myself and let go.
I think of all the reasons that got me to the clinic and up on that table, they ALL seem SO irrational now, now that it's too late. Even though they were so intense and vivid then. Its funny I silently wished for those crazy pro lifers to be outside that vancouver clinic that day to scream and yell at me to STOP! I just couldn't stop myself. My fears possessed me.
It's like a form of suicide only you're awake and left to bleed all alone and alive with a childless hollow womb.
I really fell. I feel like I'm still falling, screaming and no one hears, directionless and sad and shamed.
My face burned with shame on the way to the clinic as i wrestled still, back and forth, KEEP IT! I WANT MY BABY! Oh i just CANT! I swallowed hard as i left my 6yr old son in the jeep with my cousin (he drove me there) and went into the clinic.
As i sat there alone in the waiting room I desperately searched the faces of the other women there for some kind of sign although i dont know what exactly. Some looked afraid like deer caught in the head lights, Just like me, others looked matter of factly and some even nonchalant.
I asked for a washroom key, left the locked clinic and went iinto the washroom in the hall and contemplated my escape. Oh i just don't understand it…i wish someone was there to say RUN!
I was one of those women who said abortion was not the way to go and that people needed to take responsibility for their actions. I even wrote a paper on it in college. I never had boyfriends in high school but started dating in college. Every guy I met wanted to have sex with me and I would tell them "not until I get married OR find the right person." Well, I found the right person in 1996. I can remember the date… May of 1996 but were sexually active by July of 1996. In September, I found out I was pregnant. I told him of course, then I told my mom, who reacted as other mothers in these stories, with anger and frustration, and strongly suggested that I had an abortion. She came with me to the clinic and I remember her crying with me during the procedure and supporting me in every way. I have to be grateful that my boyfriend never left and stayed with me.
I thought I had learned my lesson but found myself in a similar situation about two years later. This time we were going to have it no matter what. That's until his father, this time, put the pressure on us. I told my boyfriend that I did not want to have another one done and he had to do everything this time (research, payment, taking me there and go in with me). He came with me and I lied to my mom, who was extremely excited about having a grandchild. I was devastated.
Well, not even ten months from the second procedure, I once again found myself in a similar situation. This time, I stood by my decision and gave him the option to stay or leave. My boyfriend and I got married on our 3-year anniversary and his parents didn't come. I gave birth to our daughter a month after we got married and had a son almost two years after our daughter was born.
Now, when my friends talk about abortions, I just sit there quietly not letting them know I had them done. Getting hurt by their comments, but not stopping them either. I know they would not make any comments to hurt me if they knew what I went through, but maybe I see this as part of a constant reminder of the mistakes I made and hopefully one day I will be able to forgive myself for what I've done.
I aborted my second child. I had my first child when I was 19 years old after my first year of college. At the time my future did not seem very secure but I was bound and determined to make it. My baby's father and I were not together at the time. Fast forward to two years later when I found out that I was pregnant a second time. The baby's father was the same as our first child, this time we were together in a rocky relationship. I realize now that we were more "secure" with the second pregnancy but not to where we believed we should be. To find more security he thought it best to abort the baby. I considered it because I was scared, but all I needed to hear from ONE person was that it was the best choice. I ignored my five minutes of the joy that accompanied my nervousness after learning I was pregnant. I went ahead with the abortion, but the father could not be around because he had other issues to contend with. It took me a long time to get over the anguish at his absence.
I felt if I cried it was self-pity and the tears were not really for our aborted son but for me, which only made me feel more guilty. But in time I gave into my grief and embraced the loss I felt for my child. The grief was triggered more and more by great tragedies (9/11) and personal ones when a friend of mine lost her toddler in an auto accident. I felt their loss, but I also felt an overwhelming personal one … my baby. The grief I saw my friend go through was the kind of grief I had, but was too fearful to express. I lost a child too, but it was at the hands of me (his own mother!) and then it felt wrong to express my grief even when I was alone. Today I am with the father of both my children and we have worked hard in building a strong relationship and in coping with our loss. By talking I have learned that he regretted that decision even though he never said so. He listens to what I have to say when I need to talk about the baby and the sorrow I see in his eyes comforts me to know that I am not alone. We share the blame for this awful act.
I am 28 years old now and I have gone from believing the abortion was the right solution to self-hatred and turning my back on the Church because I was afraid that God could not forgive me. I thought that I was not deserving of the love received from my husband and my child and went ahead and started a path of destruction. I know that each life is a gift and continuing in my life of drinking and partying would not bring our son back nor would it justify the type of person I was … and I started to believe I was just a bad person.
When I slowly crept back to the Church for masses on special occasions I realized that I missed the Church immensely. I knew that God could forgive me, but how could I forgive myself? I am returning to the Church and will go to my first confession in the next week. I know my son is good hands right now, I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT, in order not to give up and continue to raise my daughter that is here with me now.
I have grieved for my second child and continue to cope with the guilt that I not only robbed him of his life, but robbed the world of what he could have brought to us. I am missing the laughter he could have given to me, the hugs, the kisses and I do feel in my heart that he stills loves me. I love him dearly and pray that I will hold him in my arms and proclaim my love to him. I have embraced my faith in the Catholic Church, Jesus Christ and God. I feel the love and am seeking the path to follow that will strengthen my family once and for all. That is the contribution that I can do here on Earth and that my life has been altered but is valued by those around me.
I cannot and will not forget my son, and choosing to live a good life is what I can do for him, my husband, my daughter and God. A life is a blessing to all of us, leading a good life is your gift back to the ones you love. If you are reading this and are considering abortion please think about your own ability to love others and yourself … if you are capable of love you are not capable to have an abortion.
I had gotten pregnant at the age of 17, but it was some time after my 18th birthday that i had found out. I was almost 2 months into the pregnancy. I told my friends and my boyfriend, the person I was not so happy to tell was my mom. My friends reacted with shock and so did my boyfriend but he was ready to become a responsible parent, to be there both for the baby and I. The time had come that I finally had to tell my mom, I had to have someone there to comfort my mom and I so my cousin stood over.
Well like every mother she reacted with a cry and anger towards my boyfriend and I. Her and I talked about me being pregnant and she felt that the best thing to do was for me to get an abortion. I didnt think nothing of it because I thought mother knew best …. well I was wrong. I told my boyfriend what would he think if I had got an abortion and he said no because we are suppose to take responsibility and that he loved me and he wants this baby. But I listened to my mom and made the wrong choice.
I didnt think much of it when it was being done, but after I felt a big emptiness inside me. I realized what I did and told my boyfriend that I had a miscarriage because I was ashamed of what I did …. I killed our baby. Well now that the due date is getting closer and closer I grieve more and more. My due date was May 1st, 2005. Now I have turned to God asking for his forgiveness although I still don't think I can forgive myself. All I have to say now is that I am sorry.
If I Knew
If I knew
How many tears
Would flow
If I knew
How my heart
Would ache
If I knew
How much
I would miss you
If I knew
If I only knew
I would have said
heaven's joy
empty arms
silent cries
your voice
never heard
my love
the dawn
holding you
will heal
hidden tear drops
holding you
will heal
shattered moments
getting to know you
I never knew you
will be
such joy
heaven's joy
copyright 2005, anonymous
I had 2 abortions; one when I was 17 and the other when I was 22. I lived with the pain and depression caused by those mistakes for over 27 years. I spent most of that time trying to deny that I did not have any lasting problems from those "procedures".
During this time I suffered from major depression and suicidal thoughts. I felt like I wasn't worthy to be anyone's friend or even to be alive.
It wasn't until I heard someone from Project Rachel tell her story. My husband and I were in our car coming home and I began crying along with the lady on the radio and I knew right then that I needed to grieve and mourn the death of my two children.
I contacted Project Rachel and went to a retreat to heal. It was the most extraordinary experience I have ever experienced and I now feel forgiven by both God and myself.
I can only say abortion is a HORRIBLE thing. It has been 2 weeks since I had this done. I am 33 years old and I have no excuse. I have never been married and I have no children. I know right from wrong and grew up in a christian home and consider myself a christian. From this I want everyone to know I made a huge mistake. A mistake that I cannot take back. You think you can go on with your life but that is just not true! I can only speak 4 myself but if I can touch at least 1 person into not making the same mistake, in the long run I promise u it will be worth it. Look 2 GOD. At the time I did not and I'm paying 4 it now. Please pray 4 me! Thank you.
My first pregnancy happened my very first semester in college. I didn't know that I was pregnant at the time. I actually didn't know for sure that I was pregnant until I missed my period again and noticed my body changing. I finished my semester that year and kept on top of the schoolwork. I didn't tell a single soul. I knew what I "had" to do; What my mom would tell me to do. I was scared and I was confused.
Me and the father of the child even stopped talking to each other before I knew I was pregnant. I was afraid to even tell him. I didn't want to tell him if he didn't need to know. I felt as though it was something not worth putting him through. I figured… this was my problem and I knew what decision I had to make and I was going to do just that. I was too ashamed to tell anyone. So for the rest of that semester, I isolated myself from all of my friends and spent most of my time working and going to school.
I worked at a restaurant and was working up to or over 40 hours a week to help save money. I worked every position in the store from waitressing to cooking. I was determined to save my money. I had contacted the abortion clinic nearby and told them how far along I was and got some prices. I managed to save a little over $600 in two months. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do alone. My co-workers started to notice my belly and I had to convince my boss to let me leave my shirts untucked. Still, I told no one.
Walking to school and working right after class was exhausting for me. I ate all the time and was constantly tired. I never really got sick, but my depression level was at an extreme high. Sometimes I would want to tell someone so bad. I felt like I wanted to scream for help all the time; sometimes it felt like I was screaming it, but no one could hear me. I spent most of my nights crying myself to sleep. So many thoughts were running through my mind all at once that it became uncontrollable.
After my semester at school was over, I moved out of the dorms and went back home. There wasn't going to be any way that I could go to school and work as much I needed to. In early February of 2004, I went to the clinic to get the operation. I thought I had saved enough money and that I was going to be able to get it done. However, after they took my sonogram, they told me I was 23 weeks pregnant. My heart dropped as I stared at the little boy on the screen. He had feet and arms and everything. The nurses told me that I had one more week and then it would be too late to get an abortion. My operation was way over my budget. Even all the money I had saved wouldn't have been enough. I drove home that day in tears. I was even more confused than when I walked into the clinic.
After seeing the baby and finding out its sex, a big part of me wanted to keep it. What people don't know about my abortion is that I never wanted it to happen. In fact, I became quickly attatched to the young one in my belly. It was the only thing I could talk to at night when everything was feeling so wrong. I would constantly tell him that I was sorry and that I loved him no matter what. I even felt it move plenty of times. I completely regret my abortion, but I learned to accept it and learn from it.
Two days later, I realized that I had to tell someone. I called my sister and told my sister, along with my best friend. My sister reacted just the way I expected her to. She reacted with concern and kindness. However, since she has her own child and is married, her perspective on what I should do was different. I explained to her that my situation was different than hers and it would've been a lot harder for me to do what she did. She told me that I should tell my mom, of course because I couldn't afford the procedure.
When my mother got home that day, I finally broke the news to her. Her reaction was just the way I expected it to be also. She pushed the abortion and offered to help pay. The father of the baby was contacted and so were his parents. It was a big shock to them and a burden on their family. I am very embarrassed about that situation to this day. That is the last thing I wanted. I didn't want it to come to a point where it was hurting families. However, his parents reacted with kindness and sensitivity. Their words were probably the most comforting of anyone else involved. I felt horrible for everything that I caused, and I still do.
His parents paid the half of my operation. I could hear the hurt in the mother's voice when I told her what my decision was, and I so wanted to tell her the truth about how I felt. But my mother had different plans, and I felt obligated to stick to them. I didn't want to disappoint my family or shame them in any way. It sounded so weird to hear two mothers from the same catholic religion telling me two different things.
I was even more confused. However, I stuck to the plan and returned to the clinic. They ran another sonogram and let me keep the picture when I left. As I sat all by myself in the waiting room, I thought about what I was doing. The pain was very hard to hide. I don't know how I managed to do so. My procedure was very risky and was expanded over two days. The first day they gave me a shot in the belly and told me to take some pills the next day before my actual procedure. The pills were to dilate me and actually make it as though I was going into labor. That night, I took all the pills and I couldn't sleep. I needed to talk to someone, but still, no one was there.
When I woke up that morning, I felt the pushing sensation that mothers have when they go into labor. The whole ride back to the clinic I thought about jumping out of the car and just running away. I swallowed my feelings and walked inside for the final part of my operation.
They gave me an I.V. to help with the pain and I sat with four other girls waiting on their last part of the operation also. These girls were different than me though. I couldn't relate to a single one. One of them was saying how it was her third abortion and the others had been there before also. I didn't want to be one of those girls and I never planned to either. I sat quietly in my bed and waited my turn.
Since I was feeling the most pain, the nurses got me in second. I laid on my back and immediately began to cry. The tears quietly came running down my cheeks. The doctor didn't introduce himself. He acted like it was an everyday thing (which to him, it was). He performed the procedure. I don't remember much about what exactly happened in that room, but I do know that my heart was breaking the whole time. I had never felt that way before and it's a certain kind of pain that I can't even explain. It's a certain kind of agony that I feel still to this day. No one will ever know how I really felt that day. I do remember hearing the doctor say "got it," and I looked over to my right and saw them carry it away.
I went home that day and cried. I still cry when I think about it now. In fact, I'm crying right now. It's such a different kind of hurt. I think it hurts me most because I made a decision that was based upon others' feelings and opinions. I guess the only thing I can do now is know that I made a mistake. I do regret what I did and I live with it everyday. I just continue to hide the emotion and pain because I'm ashamed of what I've done. Sometimes I go to the church at night and I beg for forgiveness. I always feel like I'm being punished for my mistake and for a very long time, I was too afraid to go to church. I felt like what I had done was so wrong that even God couldn't forgive me.
What I want all the other girls to know is that sometimes things happen for a reason. I believe that event happened to me for a reason. Maybe I don't know exactly what the reason is, but I know that there is one. Hopefully, the pain will go away one day. Maybe one day, I will be able to talk openly about it with someone or other girls in that situation.
I am a single 40 something woman who chose to have an abortion at the age of 27. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and one that at the time I did and simply went numb after the whole event. I went through it alone, never telling anyone at all. It was many years later, after I had gotten more active in my Catholic faith, that I began having some memories or little flashbacks about the abortion. I really didn't think I would ever forgive myself and I just knew God would not either. I was full of guilt, shame, and all the things that are mentioned here on this site. I had alot of anger at myself, the man involved, and many others as well. I had finally had enough when every time I was at Mass and the word abortion came up in any way, my heart just ached worse each time. I saw Project Rachel listed in our church bulletin many times, but just couldn't call them for some reason. I guess it was that I thought they would judge me in some way if I did. Something made me schedule an appointment with our seminarian at church, and we met, but for what seemed like forever, no words were spoken, at least by me. Then somehow and without any eye contact at all, and many tears, I finally told someone my story. I was very nervous and anxious and constantly worrying about what he must be thinking about me the whole time. His words could not have been any nicer or more supportive. It was this man who gave me the information for Project Rachel, and when I finally made that phone call, I talked to the woman on the other end for over an hour, telling her things that I hadn't thought of in several years. There were many tears as well. She gave me names of priests involved in the program, and one was at my own parish, but for some reason I just couldn't do that. To shorten this story, I met with the priest, and later another newer priest at my own parish ( who was also just ordained the year before) and once again after at least 10 minutes of silence, I poured out my heart again, tears flowing freely, and still felt totally supported by these people. I went to a weekend retreat in Virginia, and the people I met, from both those of us on the retreat and the leaders, could not have been more wonderful. The priest at my own parish, had it not been for scheduling of events, would have been there himself to support me. All of this will never be forgotten by me as long as I am alive. I still struggle with things, but have received much support from my church. Please know that you are not alone, even though at the time you don't really feel that way at all.
Hello. My story is something I said I would never do… Have an Abortion. I told every man that I was with that you got me pregnant, you better be ready to be a dad. Well, that all came so real to me on Nov 1st, 2004. I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant. I cried … I wanted to see my baby's ultrasound, and I did sneak a peek while the nurse was out for a second. That I didn't know would make it the hardest thing for me to get over. I made the decision that on Nov 3rd I would go have this baby sucked out of my uterus. Why? Because I am a full-time college student living on my own, working full-time and trying to take care of myself. I cried, my gut killed, I felt like I was a murderer — till this day I do. I just keep telling myself that god will work it out. Some days and nights I cry and think of how far along I would be now, which would be 10 weeks. A baby inside of me no more. I am all on my own knowing I made a good decision but regretting it forever and always. The guy who would have been the father vanished after I had the abortion, never to see him again. I wish I had someone to talk to, to help me go through this grieving process. It's so tough. I am 20 yrs old and I have my whole life ahead of me, and now the abortion has severely torn me. I just know that everyone learns their lessons by making mistakes, but I will never, ever in my life, have another abortion. The guilt, anxiety attacks, stress, sleepless nights, nightmares are hard. I hope that someone can benefit from my story I just want every female to know that it is solely her decision. NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAVE AN ABORTION. NO ONE.
I didn't think that I wanted the baby, but now that it's too late I've realized that I did love it. Nobody can understand the pain and emptiness that I feel now. What kind of a person am I? I killed the only thing that was ever truly mine. Signed, J
Dear J,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. We are very sorry for your loss, and we want you to know that we care about you and the indignities that both you and your baby have suffered. Your loss is very real, and you have a right to grieve over it. Please know that you are not alone. Those of us who work at Project Rachel would welcome the opportunity to be a compassionate friend and walk with you on a journey of hope and healing.
We invite you to contact us at: email@example.com. In the meantime, perhaps you will draw some comfort from the following web pages:
Your Friend,
I had an abortion in 1971. Was a mother of three healthy children but the delivery of the youngest was under emergency situation called placental abruption which had taken the life of our first baby, a son in 1960. Any future pregnancies would cause the child to die within me, actually no warning or notice, as with the symptoms of our youngest. I made the decision and my husband and I went out of town to a family member and had the abortion there. I could not contemplate another child suffocating within me. I confessed, received absolution, but no moment passes by without guilt. I pray to God for forgiveness and wonder why I was incapable of the large family we wanted.
Signed, S
Reply to S — We are very sorry you have been hurting for so many years. Your loss was very real. There are people available to help you work through the grief and anger. Please check these links on our website:
Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.com if there is anything we can do to help you. God bless you – you are in our prayers.
–Your friends at Project Rachel
I dont really know where to start. About 3 years ago, my bf got me pregnant. We were both so young, i was 19 and he was 21.. When we found out, he panicked, i panicked. We were not really sure what to do. He was not ready for a child.. and he really pushed for me to have an abortion. It was so hard and scary.. I will never ever foget that day that we went in to get it all done. It was the worst day of my entire life. I have depression really bad. We are still together 3 years later.. and we never discuss what we did. I do know one thing .. i lost a part of my heart that day and i know i will never get it back. I live in shame for what i did. Unless you have experienced this yourself, then you understand how it effects you afterwards. This is something i will have to live with for the rest of my life. To those of you reading this right now, if you are in the same situation that i was in … please ask God to help you make the right choice.
I had an abortion this year, it was the most difficult time in my entire life. I always looked down on women who had an abortion and there I was making the same choice. Nothing can prepare you for what you are going to feel before and after an abortion. When I went to the clinic I found out that I was not just pregnant with one child, I was pregnant with twins. Immediately I felt my world come tumbling down around me. I felt so much sorrow inside of me but yet something still told me that I couldn't bring these children into the world cause I couldn't afford it and also just the circumstances in which they came about. I was so mad at myself for letting this happen and also for having to do what I had decided to do about it.
The procedure was horrible! They told me that I wouldn't feel anything during it and I felt everything. I almost died because my blood pressure dropped so drastically right after the procedure was done. I had to go back for a check up and during that checkup they told me that my preg. test was still positive and that meant that I still had tissue in my uterus which needed to come out. They gave me a couple of pills to take home with me and wanted me to come back in a week. When I returned in a week then all was finished and I was no longer pregnant.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I would endure in that clinic or after the abortion. I just want to say that I would never choose that again. Even though I know I would have not been able to raise twins with my income it hurts so bad to know what I have done. I pray that jesus can forgive me one day and that I can forgive myself also. Right now it's hard just to go on everyday and live with all that has happened to me. I'm a strong person but this has really been hard on me.
I have truly learned from my mistakes, and all I can do now is pray for forgiveness and know that one day I will meet those beautiful babies that I didn't bring into this world. I hope they can forgive me also because I will never forget them and will always hold them in my heart. My body is starting to feel normal inside again but my heart will never be the way it was before all of this. I feel as if I've changed as a person and that I'm not that same woman I was.
I know that you never forget something like this, and no one understands just what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves. I just want to sit down with other women who have gone through this and talk to them, cause I know they will be feeling the same way that I am right now. I truly believe that would help out alot with anyone who is going through this.
I had an abortion at 27. I was about to graduate with a masters and start a career as a teacher. Every one told me I would have to turn down my teaching job. The father of the baby was a mean man. I had gotten into a relationship with him to punish myself for being unworthy of love. I had thought having a baby would fix things. After I got pregnant no one wanted the baby but me. I was scared and alone. I selfishly thought I'll have an abortion everything would go away. I convinced myself that I would have problems raising my child because of the horrible things the father had done to me. At one point in my relationship with him he had practically raped me. I went into a trance once I decided to have the abortion. I had it in a state of numbness and then fell apart after the procedure was done. Actually I was pretty hysterical during the procedure but the doctor kept going as the nurse held me down. I have gone through several stages of depression since the abortion. I have shut myself off from most of the people in my life. I worked harder and longer to avoid having time to think or to feel. A part of me died with my baby. I wish so much that I could tell women who were thinking of having an abortion what it did to me. I had so many people before and after the abortion tell me that life would go back to normal. People who know about the situation think I should be fine now since it has been over a year. I feel like I killed my baby. I got on this website for help. I needed to hear others stories and to know I was not alone. I pray that I will hold my baby again one day and I also pray that I will be forgiven. I wrote a poem for my baby and about abortion that I am going to include.How do you say goodbye
When you never really said hello
How do you close your eyes
With all you know…
How do you smile and lie
When inside all you do is cry
How do you live each day
Knowing everything you'll never say
How do you lie down at night and sleep
When your regrets run so deep
How do you look someone in the eye
When slowly pieces of you die
How do you pretend there is no pain
When your hearts about to explode with the strain
How do you forgive yourself for all you've done
When from the truth you cannot run
How do you not give up all your dreams
When everything you really want is ripped at the seams
How do you not just fall apart
When you killed your own heart
How do you put it all behind you
Knowing how much you lost
How do you start anew
When your baby was the cost
When I was 18 yrs old I gave birth to my first child. A few weeks after his first birthday I found out I was pregnant. I was not speaking to my family, in college and living with someone who was an abusive alcoholic. I tried to talk to his mother about how it was to raise two children and she kept reminding me that children shouldn't be brought into the world when the parents can't afford them. If I was smart I would have left him and kept my child but unfortunately I started to believe that she was right. What kind of life could I provide? I felt that soon the father would be out of the picture and I would be left with two children on welfare with no hope for a future. I chose to sacrifice one to save another, or so I thought. During the procedure the doctor stopped because of my sobbing and asked if I was sure. I said yes and knew inside that the real answer was no. Since then I have lived with a son who repeatedly has asked for a brother or sister. I have had to look at the four seats at the kitchen table with one empty. There is also an empty seat in the car and I have to deal with the empty relationship I have with my son. I try to be fun and caring but don't seem to have the ability. I enjoy nothing. I cry constantly and hate the world. The only two people who are aware of this are the father and me. I am just now admitting to myself that this has torn my life apart and literally destroyed it. I wish I could take anyone even considering abortion and have them walk in my shoes for one day.
My name is Jane. I am 16 years old today. When I was 14, I only thought I was pregnant and I told my boyfriend. He was going to be there for me if I found out I was. I didn't want to find out though, I was to scared of hurting my mother. Me and my boyfriend split up, he left me. I then found out I was pregnant. I kept it to myself and only told my father and stepmother, knowing they would help me. I soon later only told my best friend, the father did not even know.
I think about my child that never got to have a life every day that I live. I hate myself for doing it. Now that all this time has gone by, I just saw the father that I haven't seen since before the abortion. He had no idea. My best friend accidentally let it out to a few people and it got around to him. Now he wants to talk to me, and I don't know if it could help me or only make my guilt worse.
Either way I have to live with the fact that I never get to see my baby's smile, only because I was scared and alone. Although I was only fourteen, I could of made it happen but now there is no turning back.
Think of the consequences before going through what I did. It's hard and you will never get over the feeling that you were a mother and that baby would of been your child, but no longer can be. It is the hardest thing to do and live with.
Hi, I had an abortion in September. The least I can say is that was the worst experience that I've ever had. The father of the child had a girlfriend and didn't want her to find out about the pregnancy, so we decided to get the abortion. I was 20 weeks which made it harder on me, it was a 2 day process. The first day they put stuff to make me dilate and the second day the abortion was performed. On the drive home I felt terrible, but the medication had me very drowsy, so I slept all the way to the South Carolina state line. (the procedure was preformed in GA) That is when all the horror began for me. I woke up and looked down and there was blood every where. I panicked and called the hotline and told them my problem. She told me not to panic and to take the medication that helped my cervix to contract again. I calmed down and took the medication again, and I was better until later. The cramps started to get worse, and I called the hotline again and she told me to take more pain medication. After taking the medication I was VERY sleepy so I slept most of the night. When I woke up, and tried to get up I figured out that I couldn't get up. The left side of my body was in so much pain that I couldn't move that side of my body. After calling the hotline once again the nurse assured me that everything was fine, and to just lay on a heating pad. I followed her instructions and laid on the heating pad. It didn't help so finally I was forced to go to the emergency room. I stayed in the hospital 7 days the first time and 8 days a second time. They never figured out exactly what happen all but they may have left me on the table too long. Now I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I look at other pregnant people or people with kids thinking that that could have been me. I've tried talking to family members, friends, and even my pastor of my church, but none of that seems to help with this feeling of emptiness. I know that I'll never replace my child, but how can I get over all the anger towards the child's father and most of all myself? Everyone keeps telling me that forgiveness starts with me, but how do I do that after I've done such a terrible thing to my child!!!
I was 18 years old. I hadn't missed a period or anything. Just had a feeling. So my best friend and I went to the local drug store and took a test. It came about positive. I never thought I would get an abortion it always seemed like the easy way out. I got home and told my boyfriend. He was scared but became excited. A couple of weeks went by and we started thinking of names, what they would look like, and couldn't wait to see Will's tiny little hands. Well after those couple of weeks he told me he wanted an abortion. But it was my choice. I told him no. I wasn't going to kill my baby. Well, time came to tell my parents and we told my mother first. She told me to get an abortion. I told her no and had to deal with her hateful remarks and its a sin to have a baby out of wedlock. But its MY baby and I'm not a murderer! God forgives and I'd imagine he'd forgive not being married over killing my baby. Well we then told my father. He also said to get an abortion. That broke my heart my father has never been like this, he was a Christian man. Nice and caring! Why would he tell me to do such a thing. The baby's father and I returned home that evening he looked at me. And said we can't have this baby. My spirit and hope was broken so much by then that I gave up. I regret it to this day. We both went to the doctor and had my soul taken to what seemed like the devil. I still remember to this day the color shirt I was wearing. RED like a murderer would wear. I had a dream last night about going into labor and having little Will. Then I woke up and snapped out of it I will never see my little boy/girl. To this day I can't get the sonogram out of my head they took before I had the core of my heart ripped out. I'm telling this story in hopes that it helps me cope. That it makes girls think that are thinking about having this done that they wont. I'm telling my story because every night I lay down and want to die. I wish I would die everyday. I also often think of killing myself. One night I walked down to the kitchen and held a knife across my wrist. God wouldn't want me to do that. So I put the knife down and cried myself to sleep. Please help me I have no one to turn too.
I sought closeness from an ex-boyfriend. We have this love-hate relationship that goes back and forth. When I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. I didn't have a job, I had no money. I wasn't ready to be a mother and didn't think that I could provide a decent life for a baby. I felt like I couldn't tell my mother because I couldn't stand for her to be disappointed in me and I didn't know if she would pressure me to keep the baby. The guy I was pregnant from wasn't there for me so I felt really alone. He said he would support whatever decision I made and take care of the baby if I chose to keep it but that he thought abortion would be the better decision. I felt like I had no other option at the time. I knew that adoption wasn't for me and I couldn't bear the thought of constantly fighting with my ex nor could I stand the thought of having a baby that I couldn't provide for. Well, you don't have very much time to decide and precious time was slipping away. I had to figure out what to do and quick! Well I decided to go ahead with the abortion. The procedure was painful but not unbearable. My ex drove me to the next state to have it done and paid for the abortion. He was very nice to me that day and we decided to let go of whatever kind of crazy relationship that we had and just be cordial if we ran into each other. At first, I think it was a relief to both of us. About a month later, I found a job and went through the next few months rather easily. I had started dating again and everything was going along fine, I thought. I mean, I thought about her (I don't know how but I know it was a girl)…even dreamed about her but I knew I had made the right decision. When what would have been my due date, I fell apart inside. Too much time had passed to be feeling this way. No one would understand this emptiness that I felt. I didn't talk about it very much, I felt too ashamed. Finally, one night, I burst into tears and confessed what I had done to my mom. She took the news better than I had expected which I appreciated but it made me feel like I should have confided in her before I made the decision. Just a few weeks ago was the anniversary of my abortion. The sense of shame, loss and emptiness I feel is indescribable. Only someone who has experienced it can truly understand. I ran into my ex this past weekend and I fell apart once again. He agreed to talk to me and we had a long discussion about what we've felt since this happened and we agree that we made the wrong decision. I have been so angry with him all of this time because I felt so alone in mourning my baby. I felt like he didn't care. In talking to him, I found out that he too still thinks about it and regrets it. True, he doesn't have the same emptiness inside that I do but I feel better just knowing that he cares. I have just begun to try to deal with these emotions and have even gotten on antidepressants but so far, I am still struggling with all of the different feelings. I know that I will never forget my baby girl. I pray that God can forgive me. I hope that my little angel can forgive me. And, I hope one day that I can forgive myself. For now, I working on getting through each day as it comes.
My anniversary just passed. Every time her due date passes I feel empty. I got pregnant at 16 my junior year of high school. My mother had just had twins plus me and my younger brother. I hid my pregnancy from her for one month. When she found out she was mad, and she told me the moment she realized I wanted to keep my child that I couldn't. My boyfriend, who I am still with, wanted me to keep the baby, but I guess he didn't want me to feel pressured, so he told me it was my decision, but I wish he would've been more supportive and involved in the decision. Well I was pressured, by his parents and my mother to get an abortion. The day I thought I was going to the doctor for a checkup, my mother drove me to Indiana to get an abortion. I cried the whole time before and after. I told them I didn't want an abortion, and they told me I didn't have to get one, and my mother couldn't force me. To me that wasn't true, I was forced, and I kicked and screamed until I couldn't kick and scream anymore. When I woke up my baby was gone. Everyday I wish I could go back in time and change things. Every time I see a little girl or little boy I wonder what would have my child looked like, or act like. She would be 3 years old now. I miss her so much. Everyday I think about it and I get sick, I blame myself and it feels as though I will never forgive myself, or I will never escape this pain. I pray to God for forgiveness and healing and hope that the pain will go away or just lighten even a little. I guess I feel like she is supposed to be here. I feel her so strongly in my heart and soul. I guess that's how I keep her alive.
Two years ago today I found out I was pregnant. I was unable to tell my family and had only my boyfriend for support. I had just turned 22 and I was very scared. One day my boyfriend's father turned up to my house and told me to get rid of the baby. From then on I had no support only pressure of what was the 'right' thing to do. After the abortion I came around and screamed that I'd changed my mind, I was drugged and confused and it was already done. Two weeks later I broke up with my boyfriend.
For a year I felt nothing, I blocked it all from my mind and threw myself into work. Then almost a year after it all started I sank into a deep depression. Nothing made sense, I thought I was losing my mind and tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and stayed there for 3 months before I was funded to go to a treatment centre. There I tried to explore the feelings of hatred I have of myself. I talked to my therapist about the abortion but I still felt nothing. I could see that a lot of my feelings could be related to the abortion but it didn't seem to connect as I still felt nothing.
I left the clinic three months ago feeling better. Recently though I've felt for the first time grief over the baby I killed but wanted so badly, I began to cry for the first time seeing babies and I have started to have nightmares. I feel a deep deep pain over what I have done and its only just hit me. I think now is the time for me to start talking about it.
I was 30 years old and married. I don't fit the typical teenaged girl statistic. My husband and I already had a son who had just turned one. I also have a daughter from a previous marriage. Our relationship was really bad. I am married to an extremely abusive man. I knew I did not want another baby especially with him. I had just stopped breast feeding and I found out I was about 7-8 weeks pregnant. We found out together and made the appointment for the next morning. I didn't want to do it. He did not stop me. He did not want another child, he said I still had not lost the weight from our son, how could I possibly be pregnant again, I needed to work. We never talked about it, the next morning he took me and I cried all the way there. I wanted to cancel and reschedule but he said no just get it over with. The sooner the better. I still hear the suction noise and that doctors face is my nightmare. It has been 13 months since the abortion, not long enough to forget. I keep wondering if the pain and sadness will ever go away. My husband goes on with life as usual while I dwell in this hell of guilt and shame. I don't care how bad things are with us I live each day knowing that I killed an innocent soul from heaven and I don't even know why? I was older, I was married and well to do. How could this happen to me? I was scared. So scared he would not love me if I was not thin and beautiful. Scared that if I finally got the guts to leave him I would struggle even harder with 3 children instead of two. I am still with him but I see his abusive patterns much more clearly now and I am trying to get out safely. Abortion doesn't just happen to unwed young girls, it happens to women of all ages and economic status. If I could go back I would never do it again. It is not the right choice ever. I always said I was pro-choice until I made that choice. Then I realized what a lie it was. Abortion is disguised as a woman's right to choose. But what exactly are we choosing. Heaven or hell. Wrong choice. I have been severely depressed, I am always angry and have anxiety attacks frequently. I tried to kill myself one night in front of my husband I pointed a loaded gun at my head. I wanted to stop feeling the pain and anguish. Thank God I did not pull the trigger. He said they would take my kids away and that woke me up out of a trance. I already lost one child, I killed it. I could not lose my two angels. I feel this incredible urgency to help others who are thinking about abortion. It is my calling to share with everyone the consequences of an abortion. Nobody ever talks about what you will feel after you kill your baby. Women need to know that the memory never dies only your baby does. I will carry this sadness with me forever and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I had an abortion shortly after my 19th birthday. I still am amazed by the irony of my abortion. After becoming pregnant I felt fearful and embarrassed. My only thought was to quickly have an abortion and be rid of these horrible feelings I was having. The irony was that I was so shocked to find out that I was feeling much worse after the abortion. On the way home from the abortion clinic I realized I had made a huge mistake and I wished so much that I could go back and not have an abortion.
In the days, weeks and months that followed I struggled with wanting to end my life and constantly reviewing in my mind thoughts like, "If only I had" done this or that, or talked to this person or that person.
Years have gone by and I have healed a lot and have forgiven myself, but I still regret the decision to have an abortion. A few times every year I think, "My child would be" whatever age. This year my child would have turned 16! I wish that abortion had been illegal. Then I would have been more careful about premarital sex and I would have been forced to have had my baby. I know that I would have survived becoming a mother at that time in my life. I know I would have been a decent mother, and that I would have loved that child as much as any mother could. It is a woman's choice as to whether she becomes pregnant in most cases, but it should not be her choice to end someone's life that is separate from her, that has different DNA than she has.
When I was 16, I had been dating an 18 year old, it wasn't long after we started getting intimate that I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and afraid of what my parents and others would think of me. Both my boyfriend and I were from religious families and were fearful of letting our parents down. At the time, I just "knew" I couldn't have a baby. I had to finish school. I couldn't disappoint my family. So selfishly, I decided to have an abortion.
It was a secret that only my boyfriend and I could share. He stood by me and years later after graduating from high school, we were still together. 5 years after we started dating, we were married and now have 3 beautiful daughters. However, the pain of knowing what I had done is still there. I can hardly bear that I killed my child. I can't bring myself to discuss it with anyone, including my husband. The shame is mine to bear as he didn't urge me to have the abortion, nor did he urge me not to.
I am constantly depressed, have low self-esteem, and cannot forgive myself for this. I have asked for God's forgiveness and know that he has forgiven me, but I still can't forgive myself. I know I need counseling, but I don't have enough money for regular sessions. I don't feel comfortable in going to my minister about it, because I am so ashamed. If I had known the amount of mental anguish that I would go through, I may have chosen to have the child. I wish I could put this behind me and find happiness once again.
I am 15 years old and in December I was forced to have an abortion. I have not been able to cope since I want to urge anyone who is thinking about having an abortion not to! Everyone made it sound so simple I believed it, now I'm so depressed and can't cope. I wish I was dead! Please don't do it, you'll never forgive yourself!!!!!
I had 3 abortions when I was very young and immature. I felt that my self-worth was dependent upon a boy wanting me sexually. Years have gone by and I have 2 healthy, beautiful children. There is not too many days that go by that I don't grieve for those babies and regret my decisions. Some days I feel like all is lost and God could never want anyone that could do something so heinous. When I look at my beautiful children I ask myself, how can I deserve such grace from God?! I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. I suffer from depression and mood swings. No matter how hard I try I cannot forget, I try to picture in my mind what they would have looked like, would I have had that little girl that I always dreamed of? Too late, I can't go back, I can't change a thing, I will take this regret to the grave and then face my God with no reasoning for it. I wish that anyone considering abortion would put that thought out of their mind. Don't live the rest of your life with regret and shame as I do.
My â??thenâ?? fiancé and I laid there on the bed, awaiting the positive or negative answer from the home pregnancy test laying on the bathroom sink. I hid my head under the covers, afraid of the answer knowing I hadn't gotten my period in about a month now.
"We're not ready now. We're fighting too much, don't have enough money to feed ourselves now. This isn't the environment to raise a child." I made myself a promise I would never have an abortion.
We chatted with friends that have had children. We chatted with friends who have had abortions. He went into the bathroom, came out, hugged me and said "It's positive." I cried, I bawled!
After mentioning to my mother this had happened, she said "I knew when you moved out of my house something like this would happen!" For the next few weeks all I received from her was havoc, which created worse morning (all day) sickness, depression and aloneness. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to die.
This was the hardest decision I had to make. Probably always will be the hardest decision.
We went when I was 2 months pregnant to a clinic, had the abortion procedure done and I felt SO GUILTY! I still do. I want to turn the hands of time and redo everything. I want my child. I want him/her back now. I am so sorry I did this and all I want is to feel better about it. Whenever I see a baby, I cry thinking I am such a bad person. Whenever someone brings up abortion or pregnancy, I cry thinking I never should have done what I did. I feel like such a bad person! Why and how could I have done something so cruel and so mean to my own unborn child? Even though he and I are no longer together as a couple, after a long 7 year relationship, I still desire the baby back in my life. This is something that will never leave my memory, and maybe that's what makes it hurt so badly.
This is the first time I have ever been able to tell my â??trueâ?? story.I am crying with tears down my face as I write this. I was only 19 and told that "if I was to remain pregnant in my family's home, I'd be kicked out of the home." Scared and wanting to please my family I went ahead with their wishes. The day that I went in was a sunny day. I looked all around the clinic at the other people there, and was shocked to learn I was the youngest. My mom went with me, but it felt like she was the one doing the killing, not me. I remember when they did the ultra-sound, I could see the baby and hear it. I felt like I wanted to die, to escape, to fly away. I then walked past a room that someone had left open by mistake, there were the fetuses in a jar. I was so shamed and sad. Afterwards, my mom was relieved, but I was so sick and shamed. Two years later I met my husband, and then at 22 I gave birth to my son, who I dote on always. I celebrate their birthday or what would have been, but I can't forgive myself. People tell me God forgives, but however could he forgive a murderer, because that is how I feel. Maybe this devoted daughter did do right by her parents, but in my heart I live with the guilt.
I am 49 years old now and in my young years of my 20â??s I had done things I have regretted for many many years. I had three abortions. I did not want to have any abortion but I got pregnant and I was not married and did not know what to do at the time. I did marry later and have two daughters who are now teenagers. Their father was chemically dependant and he has not seen his children for years. I feel so guilty. I feel God will never let me go to heaven for what I did. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and have a husband who loved his children. A good family. I have raised my two daughters alone. My parents never knew and are now passed away. I could have never told them. I felt I had no where to go. I was weak. Now I believe I should have not done what I did and maybe I would never had done it two more times afterwards. I would have had a baby and had a different life. God was trying to help me and maybe give me a child. I was so helpless and scared. There also was a part of me then that did not want a baby but I never wanted to hurt anyone. I am so sorry. I have told God so many times I am sorry and sad that I did this. I do believe they are together in heaven but I feel I will never get to Heaven for what I did. I try to forget but it always does resurface and I wonder. I cannot change what I did. I would never share this with my two daughters. I feel so guilty I sometimes wonder if I am not sorry enough. I feel like I would be so much a better person if I had never done this.
I had an abortion 15 years ago and it was with my boyfriend from college who I am no longer with. I felt a sense of relief after it occurred but deep down I felt so ashamed and was so upset for letting God down. I screwed up big time and for years I pushed it down and down and deadened the pain anyway I could. I finally realized I could do this no more and had to face it head on. I asked God for forgiveness and mercy and he took the shame and sorrow away and I know he knows that I would never let it happen again. He has released this burden from my heart, and I have to remember that even more so when Satan steps in and accuses me of being a terrible person.
I got involved in a pregnancy support center in the city I live in to try and help other girls faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I only counseled one girl in a pre-pregnancy stage (telling her her options and trying to sway her away from abortion) when our volunteer coordinator asked if I would counsel a few post abortion clients. As you can imagine, I was floored but I knew that God was using me and my sin to bring good out of evil. I am now counseling women who are experiencing the same troubles I experienced! God is good, and he uses those who seek him. He put me there for a reason and I am so grateful for that.
I was 22 years old. I have no excuses. No rape; no abusive boyfriend. My boyfriend was good and kind.
We usually used protection, but this time we were out. I'd gambled a few times before and thought I'd get lucky having my period again. Nope. I would be graduating from college two months prior to the delivery date. I imagined the embarrassment of accepting my diploma with a big belly. I also thought my chances of getting a job would be bad–we were already in an economic recession. My boyfriend's parents were extremely Catholic. I thought they'd be mortified to find out.
After the abortion I felt relief. Slowly the relief turned into incredible guilt. I've been to confession but the weight on my shoulders continues to be so heavy.
Nobody tells you your baby already has fingers and toes and a beating heart. I feel so bad. It's been 13 years and the pain and guilt is still intense. Only recently have I gone from thinking about the baby every day to maybe every few days or a week.
I want to help others, but I'm still such a mess. I wish I could shout from the rooftops, "Don't do it!!"
Just call me John. I am one who sponsored an abortion. Why? I panicked; wasn't able financially to care for a woman who already had some children. Yet every reason I come up with just seems like an excuse and when it is all said I am left with the simple facts. I killed my child and I have no honor. It is a decision I deeply regret. One that rips me apart whenever I have time to think. I tell myself that it won't happen again but I don't know if I will fail when and if I have the opportunity. I move on by numbing myself by avoiding the feelings. But part of me always remembers and cannot forgive. If I could go back I would change it but I cannot. I don't know if I will ever hold another woman and I certainly won't do it with out wondering. I am tired of running. I want to stand and love myself again but I do not know how.
To all women who may be reading this let me apologize. Though no amount can change either of our situations or express my deep regret of what has happened, to the woman I hurt and the child I killed. May God forgive what right now I cannot.
Iâ??m a 19 year old female and in January I found out I was pregnant. As soon as I found out I called my boyfriend. Later that night he said he thought it'd be better if we got an abortion. I didn't want to do that at all. I knew if I did that I'd regret it for the rest of my life, but I went and did it anyways. I remember seeing a picture of it…it looked like a little jelly bean…then I remember waking up after it was all over in a little white room in a lot of pain and thinking oh my God I lost a little piece of me. I don't know what happened but I just lost it and the tears started pouring out like crazy. I knew I wasn't ready to have a child yet. But I wasn't ready for that kind of emotionally pain and guilt either. It took about a week for me to not cry all the time and to go back to work. But when I decided to go back to work a woman asked if I'd hold her baby for her for a second while she got something out of her purse. It took all my will power not to cry right then but as soon as she left I told my boss I couldn't stay. I haven't been the same person after that. I started abusing drugs more and more and not just one kind. I went all out. But it didn't help anything. Its been 5 months and God how I wish I could turn back the hands of time, even though it was never born I miss it. I miss how I hate milk but when I was pregnant I could drink it like it was going out of style. But I see it this way. Everything happens for a reason.
Twenty-four years ago, when I was twenty, no one gave me real help of any kind when I found out I was pregnant. Abortion seemed to be my only way out even though I was raised a strict Catholic. So I walked the same walk that two out of every five American women have walked: into an abortion clinic. I knew it was a baby, that it was wrong, but I could only feel afraid. My parents would toss me out of the house, I'd have to quit school, living in a state that was not my home. My boyfriend, though he said he loved me, really wasn't likely to stay having no job himself. He offered me the $500 to have the abortion. If I didn't, I thought I'd be homeless with no job, supporting a baby all alone. I bought into the promise that abortion would allow me to revert back to exactly who I was before. It was a lie. It did not happen. I had become a Mom, and that truth was just too painful to bear.
I thought my life was over, numbing myself, refusing to think, look at, or listen even to those with the scary signs in that parking lot. What some of those protesters still don't realize is that I was terrified for myself only. Nothing the picketers said or tried to make me look at, in the final few minutes of my baby's life, stopped me. And nothing the abortion clinic people said or did showed me the truth of what I was doing. They were giving me "credit" for being so decisive about my "reproductive rights." Everyone made it all too easy to run away from what I was really doing.
If someone had shown they cared about me or offered to pray with or help me, maybe I wouldn't have done what I did. But no one did. Outside the clinic, there were some people yelling. I heard them say, "If you go in there, you are guilty of murder!!" I even heard one shout, "If you die in there on that table today, then you deserve to die!" How could I have turned to them for the help I needed?
To this day, I can't tell you much about the actual abortion. I only remember two things: the sound of the suction machine and the physical pain afterward. That sound was like standing next to an airplane engine. I numbed myself completely. It was as if I went into shock. I shut down, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Afterwards, I went back to my dorm and I curled up in a ball and didn't talk to anyone or eat for 3 days. I could not face what I was doing, and I blocked out every detail, as though it was happening to someone else and I was only having a nightmare. All I could think was, "This really isn't happening to me." It was the only way I could get through it. To deny it fully. As though it wasn't my baby. As though I wasn't really pregnant.
Twenty-four years later, I still cry over how wrong I was. It took 10 years for my grief and shame to start surfacing, and a full 22 years for it to break through my denial completely. Now, every day, I live with the sorrow of that "choice" that I can never undo.
And now, for all that I have — life, education, house, car, career — I'd throw it all away if I could go back and change my "choice." But I can't. I am healing, but it never stops hurting. I am the voice that hasn't been heard, and needs to be heard. I regret choosing abortion and I know that there are millions of other women who feel the same way. We know we are living examples of how abortion hurts women, but we also know too well who are the first victims: our unborn children.
I leave you with a final word about God's mercy: I once got into a discussion with some teens at a religious event. One young girl was very depressed about all the bad things she was guilty of and how she was sure she was going to go to hell, that God could never love or forgive her. I said to her, "You'd be surprised. There is nothing that God cannot forgive, if you ask Him sincerely. There is nothing you could do that's worse than what some of us grown-ups have done." She thought I was the "good Church-goer" and couldn't possibly understand her fear. She shot back sarcastically, "Oh, yeah? What could you have possibly done that was so horrible? What, did you kill someone??"
I had a choice to make at that moment: lie, or tell the truth. This was before I had told anyone but my son and my priest. I knew, at that moment, that God had asked me to tell the truth, to let this girl know that God's mercy was in fact infinite, and that I was the living proof of that. I told the group, all intently listening to my silent pause, "Well, since you asked.. .yes, I did." I told them that I aborted my child when I was young, selfish and immature, that I was sorrier for it than they could ever understand and that I had come to know God's forgiveness and that if any of them ever found themselves or a friend in that kind of trouble, to please contact me, and I would help them. I don't want them to make the same mistake I made and then have to live in fear, shame and grief the rest of their lives. They had so many questions. They really wanted the truth.
Saint Faustina Kowalska's diary, Divine Mercy in My Soul, tells of words spoken to her by Christ Himself: "Let the greatest sinners place their trust in my mercy. They have the right before others to trust in the abyss of My mercy. To such souls I grant even more graces than asked. I cannot punish even the greatest sinner if he makes an appeal to my compassion, but on the contrary, I justify him in my unfathomable and inscrutable mercy."
I found out I was pregnant 8 days ago. I never even considered keeping it. I told myself I was too young (22 years old) to have a baby and that I still had so much living to do. Two days later I lie on the table while someone was killing my baby because I told them to. Now I sit here crying all day and all night. Now I hate myself and I hate my boyfriend who supported my decision. I hate everything and everyone around me. I couldn't even spend Christmas with my family because I didn't want to be around anyone. I can't go to work because I'm a nurse and I'm afraid I will take my anger out on my patients. It was only a few days ago, and already I wish I could go back in time and change it. What have I done? I let fear consume and control me. I am nothing but a coward. Now I will have to live with this self-hatred and regret forever.
I just turned 18 and I found out that I was pregnant. I was so very happy to know that I was finally going to get to be a mother but the father of my unborn child and some of my family and friends told me I was too young to have a child and that I couldn't afford it. Time went by and I thought of many ways for us to be able to have a baby. I told him that we could get on wic and food stamps and that we could get help from the government if we needed it. He still told me we were too young and that he didn't want to get help from the government. Days went by, which grew into nights that I would think of ways to be able to have my angelbaby but no matter what I would think of the answer was still ABORTION. The day I went in to have my ABORTION I was furious with the father of my angelbaby. I didn't want to do it and I know that he didn't either but it was something we had to do. My abortion took 2 days for it to be completed the first day they had to give me a shot in my cervix. When we got home all I could do was cry for I knew that what I had done was terribly wrong. On the second day of my abortion it seemed like it took forever they called me into the room gave me 3 shoots to help ease the pain . The shots that they gave me had me so drugged that I didn't know where I was or what was happing to me . Even though I was drugged I still heard the doctor tell the nurse that it would be a couple more minutes that he had forgot the head. Not a day goes by that I don't hear that doctor's voice telling the nurse that they forgot my baby's head. Everyday I cry, I wanted to have my baby so bad but now it's gone. Rest in peace my beautiful angelbaby.
Angelbaby please know that mommie loves you and I am truly sorry for what I did to you . But you are safe now in God's arms watching over me and your daddie everyday.
In writing this I am hoping that I can reach just one person who is contemplating having an abortion. I am 27 years old and have been pregnant three times. The first was when I was just 18 years old and I have a kidney disease that kept me from having that child. I miscarried at about 8 weeks. Years later I was pregnant again I believe I was 21 years old at the time (I have blocked most of this out) Again my body rejected the baby and I miscarried at about 7 weeks. Then again at 26 I was pregnant again and was determined that I was going to have this baby. I got sicker and sicker because my kidneys couldn't handle the punishment I was putting on them. There came a point that I could not even lift my head off the pillow. I talked to my doctor and asked for his advice and he said it was my decision but did not recommend it at this time. I asked my mother who had always been a very open minded person and she said she would rather have me then a grandchild. I still fought it, not that I didn't believe in abortion I did. Finally I got sick enough that my mother and I decided that having a abortion was probably for the best. It was all a daze. I was in there but I wasn't in there. I detached myself from what was happening. I told them the reason for choosing to not have my baby and they were nice about it but they still did not understand the torture I and all these other girls were going through. I couldn't believe how many girls were ending their pregnancies. I immediately felt better physically. Mentally is another story. I want every girl out there to know that no matter what it stays with you forever. You can NEVER take it back. I always think of my baby. The tears don't make the pain go away. It's now 11 months later and I am only now able to talk about it. I talk about it because I swore that I would try to help another person who is trying to make the decision. I told God that if I could stop one person from putting themselves through what I went through, that my mission was worth it. I recently found out that the father of my baby deeply holds my decision against me and has decided to have a baby with someone else. After over ten years with each other this is devastating. I want to be able to tell girls the facts and how it really feels to do this and would honestly like to answer any questions of anyone out there who is thinking about doing this. Do I believe in abortion now you ask, NO I don't.
I found out I was pregnant again when I went to get my birth control pills filled. I cried for hours. I called the father and told him, he said he didn't want another kid, so he talked me into the abortion. I left for the clinic at 6am when we got there I signed in and they gave me a pill to take. I went into another room with 8 other girls and waited. They called my name and I went in. I laid on a table and they did the procedure. It only took a few minutes. Then I got dressed and went to the recovery room. A nurse took my blood pressure and gave me juice and cookies like that was going to make everything better. When I got to leave he went and got the car and we left. I felt so empty and sad for what I had done. That was my child I had just killed. I hope and pray every night that God will forgive me and bless me with another child. My due date would have been next month. Why did I do what I did I still to this day don't understand. So whoever reads this think long and hard before you make the biggest mistake of your life. If I had to do it over again I would still be pregnant. Thank you for the chance to share my story.
Well, I was 16 at the time when it happened and I had gone to the hospital and I had found out that I was pregnant and I felt so scared I thought id jus die from the deep blow of it. My mother doesn't have a clue about the abortion but my dad does he told me I messed up my whole life and that now my baby was gonna have to pay for it because I was too small to have a baby. So the baby's daddy and me drive 200 miles to Madison, Wisconsin and when we got there I was so scared that I felt as if life was gonna end . And after the abortion my life has just been going down hill in the car on the way back all I could think about was what I just did and that I would never know what my first child was like or who they were what it liked and that I never gave it a chance to live, and now yesterday was my due date an all I did was cry. Cause that same feeling came over me.
When I was 18 years old I found myself pregnant for the second time. I was so happy but scared of what my parents would think, my boyfriend and his parents. Me and my boyfriend were so afraid but so happy. We already new what our parents would do to us or say to us, so we decided to get an abortion. I cried for days until the day came to get the abortion, my boyfriend and I became closer than ever before. Well when I had the abortion I was hurt and my boyfriend was hurt. On our way home we cried and cried. I think about the baby every day, I dream about the baby, I still cry and just when I think I am over it all I realize I'm not. Me and my boyfriend are both under a lot of stress because of the abortion. We never talk about it and we keep everything inside. Its been almost 1 year since the abortion and me and my boyfriend have finally talked about it and we are going to get help. The help we should have gotten before the abortion. Me and my boyfriend are now engaged to be married and soon we will be getting help for our lost child. If I had the chance to do one thing in this world for good. I would keep telling my story, talk to young girls about abortion and let them know that they can do it, they can have a child and still do all the things they want to do. Maybe it would all come later but it's worth the wait. I would never have an abortion again. God bless you all for this website. It has helped me realize that my boyfriend and I need help. Thank you so much!
Thank you and GOD BLESS YOU!!!!
Iâ??m 27 years old and I had not been in a sexual relationship for about 1 1/2 years. I meet this great guy at work and we hit it off and after only 3 months together, I was 9 weeks pregnant. I was not going to have an abortion because I figured I was old enough to have a child, my daughter will have a sibling and this would be his first child which he wanted me to have. However, he began to do things that made me believe he might abandon me and leave me alone to raise this child. The fear of not being married and possibly alone with two children drove me to do the worst thing I could have done in my life. I decided to have an abortion and I was awake to see everything. I had local anesthesia and I was so scared and confused. I told him I had a miscarriage because I knew I was wrong for what I did. Now 3 days later I feel horrible. I have this emptiness inside of me that will never be filled because I did not give my innocent baby a chance to live because of my insecurities of being alone. I love my baby so much and I pray that god can put him/her back inside of me. I have gone to confession which really helps but it does not take a way the feeling of being empty because of the stupidest thing I have done in my life. I love you so much.
Please know that I am so sorry baby. I hope to meet you one day, I really do.
I unlike any one else have had 2 abortions. The first one was after being raped at 15 by my boyfriend at the time my parents told me I had to I felt very alone at that time I had no one to go to.
The second time was when I was 17. The condom that I used had broken at that time I was using an excessive amounts of drugs and alcohol because I believed that I was worth nothing since I had murdered someone. When I found out I was pregnant the doctor told me that if I did have this child there was an 80% chance he/she would be stillborn so I chickened out and had the abortion.
I am now 21 and those babies would be 6 and 4 and still I think what could have been. I still pray to God to forgive me for the killing I have done I should be locked up in jail not being able to write this. I just hope after what happened I will be able to find a life. After reading the stories they gave me the courage to speak about this I hope my story helps someone like the others have helped me.
I had just turned 21. I had also just finished my chemotherapy and radiation therapy treatments for Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Not even a month later I found out that I was pregnant. My doctors had told me that I should not have a baby for at least five years out of treatments due to the fact that they could not properly treat me if the cancer was to return. My parents insisted that I have an abortion because my health was more important. I did not agree with this and sought help from my doctor. She went over everything with me and said that it should be perfectly fine and if anything did happen, they could use MRI's to check me out instead of CT scans.
This did not change the way that my parents thought. They had a million reasons why I should not have a baby, including that I would not longer be on their health insurance. Since I had nothing of my own, and lived with them, I was forced into having an abortion. My mother took me out of state and anyone that knew about my pregnancy, including my doctors, was told that I had a miscarriage.
Looking back, I realize that it should have been MY decision. I want other young girls to realize the pain and suffering that comes along with abortion. It is not a quick fix for a bad problem. It is a decision that you live with for the rest of your life. It has interfered with college, relationships, and mainly problems with my parents.
I think about my baby ever single day. I know exactly how old it would be and everything it would be doing. I envy pregnant women for the joy they have to look forward to and wish that it could have been me.
May of my junior year in high school I was preparing for prom and getting senior pictures done. I was preparing for summer. I was only 16 years old.
At the time I was with my boyfriend for a year and I was constantly on birth control (the patch) when it fell off and I could not get them to stay on. So I went without them. I started breaking out very extreme. I went to the doctor and he said it was normal.
When June started I could not seem to sleep at night and I was very moody. My boyfriend and I started to fight and fall apart.
My boobs grew a whole size but I felt normal. My periods were messed up because of the patch falling off. So when I didn't get my period I was never worried. I would get some cramps every so often but it was normal to me.
I went to breakfast one morning and threw up everything. That is when I suspected being pregnant.
The test was positive. I was 16 and scared to death. My grandmom pushed for the abortion. My boyfriend pushed for the abortion. I couldn't stop throwing up. I threw up 8 times a day every few hours. I couldn't even eat. My stomach grew. I honestly thought I was only a week or two.
I worked at a daycare and every child seemed to just know. A 3 year old boy always would kiss my stomach and babble "baby."
I went on a chat room and talked to teen moms who said to keep it. But I also had friends who said that their abortions were simple. They even had a few. I thought it would be easy.
The abortion was set for July 12th, 4 days before my 17th birthday. My grandmother said, "do this abortion, get over it and move on."
I thought me and my boyfriend were fine. Even though everytime I would throw up he would throw a hissy fit and I felt so helpless.
The morning of my abortion I found out my boyfriend had been with his ex girlfriend the night before and had been talking to her for many nights as I layed at home, sick and pregnant.
The abortion was a nightmare. I never knew it would hurt. The women in the waiting room were laughing about how drunk they were gonna get when they were done the operation. I felt so dirty. I saw so many different types of people in there that day. I never looked up, I felt like everyone thought I was dirty. Me and my boyfriend fought the whole time over his ex-girlfriend. I couldn't afford to get extra medicine during surgery so I went without it. No one said it would hurt.
I wanted to cry all day. I knew if I did cry that they wouldn't perform the abortion. The counselor didn't even care that I wouldn't talk. She really didn't care. She told me I was a little more than 8 weeks. I never knew that an 8 week old baby is forming organs and fingers and a heart beat.
I sat in the operating room, alone, staring at the machine that was gonna take my baby. I saw the jar wrapped up in paper to cover it. I held every tear back. I was so scared.
The doctor walked in joking how much of a great patient I was because I was the last. He said I was the youngest of the day. He put his finger in me and joked, 'lets see if your really pregnant.' I layed back and stared at the lights on the ceiling. He said it was going to feel like child birth. I never screamed, only on the inside. The nurse held my hand and tried to reassure me. It was a horiffic pain. I could hear the vacum screaching in my ear. I cried a few tears. I went home and had to babysit my cousin in a few hours. My boyfriend was supposed to come with me, he said he would meet me there in a few hours. He never did. He dumped me a few hours after my abortion, for his ex girlfriend. He said everything has been about me for the past few months.
I went into depression. My abortion bled for 2 more months non stop. I would have sex with my ex without being healed just to win him back. I broke out in hives and continued to throw up everyday.
It has been a year since the abortion. I cry everyday. I have the most horrible dreams about my baby being broken apart in that vacuum. I was never told of the horrible risks you can recieve years after an abortion. I only went to my OB GYN once. I never told her, I was to ashamed. I never got a checkup after the abortion because I had no ride and no money. I have never told my mother. I think my pain worsens everyday.
I hope to get some kind of help soon.
I head to college in August and make the life my grandmother urged so bad. I regret every decision I ever made.
I had an abortion when I was 17 years old. I am 25 now. It still hurts. I recall every detail of that day as if it was today. I got pregnant for a guy I thought loved me, when I told him, the first thing he said was he couldn't support a child at this time — it would be too hard on us. I was scared and I loved him more than I loved myself, so I went ahead and did this thing. It was the worst decision I have ever made, and I am paying for it up to this day, since then I tried to conceive again only to realize I couldn't. After the abortion I felt so guilty and ashamed I didn't go back to see a doctor and I caught an infection in my fallopian tubes which cause blockage, so basically now I am infertile, this infection can be cured with antibiotics. I am in constant pain mostly in my lower back and alot of leg pain but some how I live with it as thought I have no choice, I feel like I have no choice. I ache all over now and I feel way older than I am and I am thinking I deserve to. It's been seven years and I still feel the shame and the guilt. I still feel like I need to be punished for taking a life. I wonder what sex it was, who it would have looked like, what kind of characteristics he/she would've had. Needless to say, the baby's father dumped me about four weeks after the abortion. I almost went crazy, I was utterly alone! These day I keep no friends, I try hard not to get too close to any one. I am too scared of being hurt that way again. I am angry, I am scared, and I can't tell anyone cause I don't know who to trust. I know alot of this happens out there in the world, but I never thought I'd be one of those people who did it.