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As promised, here is part 2.
Of Being Happy and Mindful
I am happy today.
I am so happy that my anxiety, and depression are temporarily gone from my awareness. It's different.
Something else is different too.
For the first time in my life, I am not afraid to say that I am proud of the fact that I am happy. I don't have to make excuses and downplay my happiness, like I've always felt like I had to in the past. I could never tell people positive things about me because of how afraid I am of others judging me for being happy as a depressed person.
In group today, I told Jenny and Brandon that I love them so much that it hurts me tremendously to see them both in the darkness, still struggling to climb out of the pit of depression. I told them that I felt really sad that Jenny have been victim shamed so much in her life that she can't even bring up the topic of sexual assault or even believe that women are right to talk about their survival with her significant other, and that Brandon felt that he can't feel okay with who he is. I recognized their pain because I was just a few months ago, steeped in it. I've been through all the shit, and muck, and though I still visit the pit from time to time, I've also been spending a lot more time in the sun lately.
I told the two of them (because only 3 of us attended group today) that I didn't want them to misunderstand me – that for a moment, I didn't want to tell them how I felt because I was afraid that they would judge me as 'hypocritical'. I felt hypocritical because back when I was in the thick of depression, many supportive people have told me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That there is hope. At that time, I had scoffed at every single one of them and in my mind, had resolved that none of them knew how I felt. I refused to believe them because I didn't think that they'd understand. That no one would.
Now I'm more stable, and can cope with my difficulties better. And I suddenly realized that I now know what those well-meaning people had been saying to me. I knew now that they weren't just saying words to make me feel better but rather they really believe it.
I said, "I decided to say what was on my mind anyway even though a part of me felt like a hypocrite but I trusted… Or at least, I hoped that you two would get what I was saying, and where I was coming from. You both have seen, and experienced me at my lowest. You know how much I've struggled. So I hoped that you'd hear my message and see it as coming from someone who did go through shit and who did do all the hard work to come to this sunny side. And it is my hope, I am so so hopeful that you two can feel this way too because it hurts me so much to see you two struggle. I want so much good for you guys!"
Of course, I cried. I got very emotional and I explained that I didn't know why.
T offered an explanation, "Jules, when you said all those things to Jenny and Brandon, I could tell that it came from your heart. That you genuinely wanted good things for them. And in saying those things, telling them that their issues are valid, that they're worthy to feel the way they do despite what others have told them, is also in the same way, self validating. You were also talking to yourself, Jules. You told yourself that you were worthy, and that you were valid…"
What he said struck me. He was right. I was validating myself too. And that's why I got emotional. I still have trouble telling myself good things without crying. It's so emotionally impactful for me that I can't do it without the tears.
Later, I shared with Brandon how I've been able to climb out of the pit – it was that I had built a support system around me who would remind me from time to time that I'm doing well, and that I'm heading the right direction. I told him that it's all and well to be able to self validate, but to also receive such recognition, and encouragement, is huge. I told him that I felt so much stronger now because I have recognized who my people are.
I then told him how much of a privilege it's been for me to watch him grow, and to see how much he's grown. He used to be high strung, philosophical, cold, distant, and so stressed out. Today, he sat there with an even temper, and was able to participate in the conversation without even once going to the philosophical arguments. He was vulnerable, and allowed himself to be, and he was accepting of all the feedback he was given. I felt so proud of him. When T asked me how I felt towards Brandon, I said, "I feel so good. I feel so privileged to have seen such a huge change. It makes me extremely happy that you are reaching that point, and are working so hard yourself. I feel so much affection for you right now. It's almost like you're my little brother, and you've done so much good work!" I wanted him to know that his hard work is being recognized. It made me feel so happy to be able to say that because not only did it impact him, it also rebounded and hit me with the fuzzies.
Just before group, the Director of the Office of Health and Wellness said to me,
"When you learn to love yourself, those who love you will come back around to you. You don't have to acclimate to others. You are a square trying to fit in a round hole. You're not meant to fit!"
The Health and Wellness Promotion Coordinator then added,
"Those who are for you can't go. Those who are not for you, can't stay".
Those two things have changed my life today. The words reverberated through me and I felt the anxiety that has been holding me back all this time ebb away. I was so afraid of losing people, and losing good times, that I was willing to settle for mediocre just so that I don't have to rely on only myself. When I heard all that, I learned that I could let go, and the world will still revolve… And somehow, that helped me let go today.
It helped me stay uplifted, and positive.
So much so that I went and watched Power Rangers at the theater by myself. I was giddy with excitement because I felt like a child again, and Power Rangers was one of the more positive aspects of my childhood. I remembered how hopeful, and strong I had felt every time I watched the show. Watching the movie today reminded me of that. I also felt that the interaction between the characters to be similar to what I'd felt for Jenny, and Brandon today. It felt good. They feel like family.
I also was able to learn that when I love myself, it makes me love my partner, Cherie, even more than I already do. It made me secure in our relationship, and I am not worried about a thing right now. I confessed to her, and to group that my relationship has been going well – despite some fights – and it's been going on so well that I have consciously caught myself thinking, "Wow. This is going well. Now what can I screw up so that I can go back in the pit again? What can I do to make it so that I feel depressed again?" I'm so used to being in the dark that being in the light feels strange, and uncomfortable. I know that now.
Today has been one of those really mindful days for me. I'm just so aware of my life, my speech, my actions, and my feelings. I don't know if it will last or not, but I am hopeful that even if it doesn't, that I'll be able to handle it and turn the negatives into good growing experiences.
Continue the Story
I wanted to write about the therapy session I had yesterday but a piece of news had shocked me so much last night that I feel it pertinent to address.
The mental health community has been rocked by the news that Amy Bleuel, the founder of Project Semicolon, has passed away from suicide. She had been an amazing advocate, a strong voice within the community against the stigma of mental health, a positive, and encouraging person to all those who struggle with suicide. So when the news came to me, I was shocked. Not only that she had passed, but that she had died from suicide.
I felt it ironic because just last night, when my temporary tattoo kit had arrived, I decided to tattoo my arm with a semicolon. When I have something tangible that I can see, touch, and read daily, it helps me keep going. So I figured if I had a tattoo of the semicolon, I'd be able to look at it and realize that my story isn't over.
Then the news came.
It made me think.
Still Fighting
So it has been quite a hot minute since I last wrote anything here, huh?
Well, I'm still alive.
I'm still anxious. Still depressed. And still ADHD. Those thing have not changed, and I don't think will ever change. I think I've finally come to terms with that and have decided instead to take each day as it comes.
That said, I've been really busy with school, mostly because I am a such a slow programmer that the last time I had a Data Structures assignment, it took me an entire 2 weeks to finish programming it when it took my friend less than an hour to do the same thing (then again, C has been coding for a year more than I have, and he spends at least 60 hours of coding a week. While I spend maybe 10… Or less…). So really, my busy-ness is merely due to my lack of skills, and knowledge.
Due to that, I haven't been able to log in to WordPress to write or read anyone's blog. 😦 I've missed the mental health community here in the blogverse. I've been wondering how everyone's doing – especially Q, This.Shaking, skinnyhobbit and PaperDoll. I think about these wonderful people often enough.
Not writing in my blog makes me miss my advocacy work – I have recently been way more active as a Peer Educator but since a lot of our programs lately have been on sexual health, and sexual violence, I haven't really been talking about mental health as much. Also, I've been feeling guilty about my recovery progress – of the times when I've slipped up and regressed, of the times when I'm less than a model Peer Educator, or the times when I don't seem to embody the message I want to share.
Other times, I feel guilty for being better. I think I feel that way because then it's like others see me as somehow "more successful". But then again, I'm pretty sure I'm just projecting.
S and I have been continuing our work, and lately, I've been getting paranoid about termination, merely because I feel like I'm getting better, so that must mean I don't need therapy anymore. The child is still in there, still scared. Despite realizing that she has the capability of being strong, and moving on, she's still scared. She still wants S.
On that front, therapy has been going well enough. I am still dealing with the aftermath of the divorce, but it has been months since I've cried over the ex. It's also been a while since I last spoke to him. I cut all ties with him some months ago (I don't even remember when!) but from time to time, I still think of him, of the things that have happened, and of some of the better times we've had. Yesterday, I stumbled upon an old album that had all kinds of photos of us and for the first time in months, I broke down and cried seeing it. Then, after seeing it and feeling all at once angry, hurt, disgusted, and sad, I deleted all the photos that had him in it. It was painful to do it but the more I deleted, the easier it was to face the pain. This incident merely reminded me of the fact that this rip in my heart will probably never fully heal. There will be scar tissue, which means that I'll probably always hurt whenever the scar tissues get aggravated. Thankfully, they don't get aggravated all that often.
I've also been working hard in group therapy. Ever since I spoke up and told people how I actually feel about them, I have not been able to stop. It is almost like an addiction now – to say, "To be honest… This is how I feel…" and just say my mind. It feels great every single time because of how liberating it is not to have to keep secrets. The response from my group members have been positive, and it has helped me see that conflict, when avoided, often brings pain when not resolved. And that despite how uncomfortable it is to confront someone about something, it's also equally uncomfortable to hold it inside. I have also learned that if you tell the truth, and give people the chance to tell their truth, and then both of you decide to give each other a chance, then things will work out.
T, the co-facilitator, told S of my progress in group. According to S, he expressed his awe, and admiration at my courage, and how hard I've been pushing myself in group. He also told me in person in the last session how excited he is to see my progress, and how happy he is every time I open my mouth to offer my opinion. He asked me if I now feel burdened by this – my answer was yes. I feel some pressure to perform – to be courageous all the time. To always be vulnerable, to always face my fears. It is stressful because now that I know I can do it once, I know I can do it again – but I don't always want to. And that is another uncomfortable feeling I have to live with.
On the more personal front, my relationship with Cherie has been going well. We had our first huge fight recently that felt very scary and threatening to me due to how I always blame myself whenever a conflict arises, and how fearful I am at a loss of connection. Instead of letting the conflict tear us apart though, we were able to work things out. It is becoming clearer to me how much I love this woman, and how much she means to me.
I sometimes freak out though because of how I just don't know how to do relationships – so being in a stable, and mature relationship with Cherie unnerves me because I don't really know how to be. For 8 years, I was a certain kind of partner but that is me at my utmost dependent, weak, and whiny state. Now that I'm with someone who works hard on her mental health, and is a strong independent woman, I keep doing things that I find to be annoying such as being whiny, child-like, and dependent. I drive her insane sometimes because I can't stop asking her if things are okay between us. I push and push and push because I feel insecure.
S and I have been talking about this a lot too – we discovered that I have such deep separation anxiety that it makes me so clingy. However, S has been reminding me for the past 3 weeks that I need to be kinder to myself and not immediately call myself names like, "Childish", "Weak", "Loser", but rather recognize that uncomfortable feeling of being in conflicts, or the uncomfortable feeling of feeling like something's wrong in the relationship when there really isn't, and embrace that; hold the pain in my mind, and sit with it. That has definitely been happening a lot more for me than it has ever been. Whenever I am aware of my issues, I try to sit with whatever uncomfortable feeling it is that have brought me the issues.
I really miss posting here because this is a space where I can word vomit, and not be judged for it. I can provide as much context as I want. I can speak freely and express my thoughts and feelings. It helps me process my feelings, and situations. I think not being able to write here has been detrimental to my progress because I haven't really had a way to express all the pent up analysis that goes on in my head – and when I share the thoughts with Cherie, it often ends up at a point where I get super clingy. This blog is my space to just blah, without any expectations that anyone is even going to read it. And that's fine because I think this blog keeps me sane.
Anyway… Overall, I'd say that I'm well enough. I might still have suicidal ideations but at least, the degree in which I'd act on them have definitely decreased. S is keeping an eye on my mental health. Cherie, and I are also doing the same. My group members have been supportive, and while I still have trouble in school, I am feeling a little better about programming because I feel like I'm slowly starting to understand some things. Unless there's a huge trigger, I am usually feeling much better than I have been 3 or 4 months ago.
I think I'll visit here more whenever I can. It really does free up a lot of mind space in my head when I write all my analysis, thoughts, and feelings down. So I hope all of you reading are well, as well, and I hope that I can have some time to check out the things you guys have all been up to as well then.
Thoughts from Group – The Pain of Admission
When J asked where we'd like to start, I said that I would because I wanted some feedback. So I started to explain some context about my selves – about how I have a conflict between the Adult and the Child selves. I also talked about something that I've found too embarrassing and even shameful to say – that I feel like I should be entitled to getting help from people, that I think that this world is so unfair, and that because I've had many traumas in my life, and that my life has been so difficult and painful, that I deserve to get help, that I deserve people to cut me some slack, and that I deserve a better life. I talked about how financial strain has caused me to reflect on how angry and bitter I am at my life – to be left with a $10K credit card debt, to not have money to do anything I need to do (and now that I don't have any shifts at the restaurant, to feel like I'm going to be homeless as soon as I run out of my savings), to not be able to focus all that well in school because I had other adult responsibilities, and so on. I told the group how ashamed I feel and how guilty I feel for saying that I want attention. That I sometimes do things to get attention or to elicit sympathy and empathy.
A couple of the group members chimed in and told me that I shouldn't feel ashamed for being who I am. That I shouldn't be ashamed to feel like I deserve the things that I've mentioned. Brandon talked about how his life had been similar and how he could relate because of how horrible his life has been as well. Then he said that he got over it by learning to love himself better – that he was able to come up with reasons why he does deserve to be treated fairly, that he does deserve to be loved, and that he should never have to be ashamed of himself.
One of the new girls, let's call her Kayla, told me that she's a realist and that the way she sees it, that I shouldn't expect so much from people because then I set myself up for disappointment. She also said that no one is entitled to anything except to be accepted as a human being. Beyond that, we are to make our own life. That we are not to expect help from anyone. She said that she will admit that she comes from a supportive middle-class well-off family and have never suffered from anything traumatic in her life so she didn't know if her views are just her being a realist, or if it's her privilege talking. I didn't feel mad at her though I did feel a slight pull to argue, and to point out that she isn't even trying to empathize. I refrained myself because I didn't want to derail our current conversation and get into that. I wanted to get to the bottom of my issue first. I was being selfish.
About 45 minutes into the session, we were still analyzing my situation, analyzing my thoughts and emotion. J, the lead facilitator, chimed in and said, "I don't know about you guys but I'm currently feeling like you're not present. Like the things that you're talking about are not here in this room but rather somewhere out there… Correct me if I'm wrong but does anyone else feel that way?"
I nodded because I realized that I had been distancing myself from the subject. That the way I had expressed my issue and how I'd asked for feedback had been devoid of emotion. I didn't have any emotion in my voice except for one where I was playing an analytical scientist role. At that point, I knew that I was consciously doing it. I didn't want to go near the emotions that was related to me feeling like I'm entitled to some attention, care, love, and help from others. Those emotions were messy because aside from the shame (which in itself is already a huge beast to slay), I also had feelings of guilt, anger, bitterness, betrayal, sadness, and confusion all mixed in.
I admitted that I didn't want to feel any emotion.
Kyle, the guy that I had had a conflict with a while ago, offered his opinion. He said that the group had been dancing around the issue, and no one is really going to the root of things – that people are content to hear my issues, and then just analyze them and find out what they can do to help fix things. He talked about how he's noticed this happening a lot more with group lately. That we are no longer willing to do the hard work of feeling the emotions we need to feel.
J asked, "How are you feeling towards Jules right now?"
I prepared myself to feel angry at Kyle because of how in the past, he's never been willing to connect to me. I thought about how I knew what he would feel – that for sure, he would just dismiss my feelings the way he's always done.
He didn't. Instead he said, "I can see why you would feel like it's a shameful thing. I mean… As you were talking, I realized that I do this too… That I also don't want to feel that. That I wish people would just see my situation as well. How I'm just trying so hard and nobody realizes what I struggle with… I do it too…"
J encouraged Kyle to explain what 'that' was.
"Admitting that I want care and concern. That I want that too…" He said, after some hesitation.
I felt my heart fill with emotions. I started to cry because as I'd explained it to the group moments later, "My emotions are catching up and I've been keeping them at bay. But what Kyle said has unleashed them…"
I told the group that I felt the connection that Kyle was trying to make. That although I appreciate hearing the more philosophical, and more analytical arguments/suggestions from the others because I am myself so analytical, that I really did appreciate Kyle's empathy. I didn't expect it. I felt a warmth emanating from him.
J then offered how she felt that Kyle had come such a long way. That initially when group had started, he had seemed very stand offish, and that he didn't care about emotions. That he wasn't at group because he wanted to feel anything. She then pointed out how much he's grown and how different he is now.
I then agreed with J because I was going to tell Kyle the same exact thing too – that I see a difference in him. He definitely has changed his perspective. I felt a little tug of anger, and jealousy as I said so. I didn't like that J always paid him compliments like that. I wanted some of that too.
A little later, Kyle took over the topic because we had beaten the dead horse with mine. He talked about how he feels like he's not cared for, that his friends don't understand him, or try to empathize. He said that his friends just give him quick answers. And that he recently had been having a pull to feeling like he needs to get back together with his ex. As I listened to him, I realized that what he was saying isn't too far from what I feel. I wanted to blurt out, "You're going through something very similar to me!" but didn't.
J then told Kyle how she felt like Kyle had a good way of bringing the group back to the processing piece of group. That somehow every week, he was just so good at doing that. It was interesting that J had mentioned that.
I said, "I agree with you, J!! I was just going to say that. That he's the last person I expected to do this. I mean, judging from how he was in the beginning, I really didn't think he would be the one who would be bringing everyone back on track every week. I think it's so awesome!" I said. I started feeling empty. That what I was saying was just so forced. That I was trying to find some positivity instead of showing my grudge and bitterness towards him. "Although, a part of me does feel jealous. I mean, not jealous in a bad way, but envious I guess… I'm envious and I wish I could be good at that too"
"What's that?" J asked me.
"Um, to be good at bringing the group back to processing. To be able to process and to know what that's like…" I said. I felt myself burn with envy. And how I wished that J had told me something so powerful too – that I play a pivotal role in creating a positive time for group. "You know, Kyle, I feel like we are both going through so much that are similar. As you were talking, I thought to myself, 'You know… You're not that much different from me at all…' and I realized that we really aren't… I guess that's why in the past, when we had that conflict, I felt so upset because I felt like you were just constantly pushing me away. I was trying to connect but you weren't letting me. So I felt like I was getting the impression that you just didn't want either of us to be the same. Like there's something wrong with us being the same…"
Kyle reacted in a surprised manner. He looked like he was going to disagree.
The new girl, Kayla, interrupted.
"Can I just say just how much I loved that? That interaction was amazing! It was so sweet to see that. Wow… That was so cool how you were able to tell him all those things!" she'd said.
As she spoke, I felt a huge tug in my gut. I realized that I needed to recant my words. I needed to be truthful and I felt that it was time. I had been carrying the anger and bitterness around for 3 semesters now. It's time for me to let it go. So I mustered up all the courage I had, and threw caution to the wind.
I said, interjecting Kayla as soon as she stopped, "Actually Matt… I want to take back what I said. I just realized, as Kayla was talking, that I want to take it back… The part I want to take back is the part where I said that I felt like you were constantly pushing me away because you don't want to be like me" I hesitated. I was trying to find the right words but couldn't. I didn't want him to be mad at me. But then the other part of me said to myself, Just go for it. The worst that could happen is that he'll stop talking to you.
So I did. "Kyle, I realize now that the reason why I said that is not because you were trying to push me away, but it's because I was. I didn't like you. I mean, not 100% didn't like you because we do have good interactions, but I think in general, I just didn't like you. I felt that your point of view was different than mine and how you approached empathy was so jarring for me that I felt like you were attacking me. I was wrong to say that and to put it on you because I realize now that it's on me. I was projecting all these things on you because I didn't want to change my views to look at yours. I wanted you to conform to me but since you didn't, I was angry and bitter. I have been holding a secret grudge against you since we've met. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but I have. And I know that it hasn't been overt but I want to apologize. It wasn't right. And now I feel differently towards you. Today, when you reached out to me, I felt a connection. I felt like you were really trying to feel how I felt. I realize now that I had been bitter for no reason. I didn't want to tell you this because I was afraid too. I was afraid that now that I'm being real with you, and telling you exactly how I've always felt, that since this is the beginning of a better relationship, that it would end because you'd be mad at me for saying all these things. I'm afraid of potentially losing this relationship because now I actually like you. And I realize that we're not that different after all. I think the reason why I had not liked you before was because of how I realize that we are not actually pretty alike. And I hated that because I don't like myself. So seeing how you are just like me, I hated you because I hated myself. I get that now. I'm expecting you to be mad at me…"
Kyle looked extremely shocked. J gave me the impression that she was smiling on the inside, and that she had not expected that either.
"How do you feel, Kyle? To hear that from Jules?"
Kyle was flabbergasted. He couldn't speak for a few moments. When he finally did he said, "I feel… A happiness in me. I feel happy that she said that to me. I never knew she had a grudge on me. I feel happy… This is what I've been wanting all along. I want people to be this way…"
"To be brutally honest?" J asked.
"Yeah! To just tell me how I really am. How they perceive me. I am happy because she told me exactly how she's been perceiving me. I mean, I don't know how to react to it yet… I'd have to think about it… But yeah… Wow… I didn't know that at all. I'd rather someone tell me something like this than to pretend to like me!" Kyle said.
"How did it feel to hear that, Jules?"
"I'm glad that you didn't take it badly, Kyle. It wasn't my intention to start a conflict. I just felt a strong pull to say that. To let you know that… I also feel relieved because I'd been holding on to that for so long. That being real makes me feel better. I no longer feel the anger, and grudge the way I used to. And I hope that we can now be real friends. But I understand if you wouldn't want that because I did say some horrible things…"
"You don't seem to trust Kyle's words…" J said.
"Well, not fully. I mean, part of me is hopeful that going forward things will be better, but at the same time, another part of me thinks that he'll be angry. I mean, if someone told me something like that, maybe I'd be angry at them…" I said.
Then our attention turned to Brandon. I don't know how we'd transitioned but we did. I wiped up all my tears, felt so much relief. It felt like I had let go of a heavy burden and now I'm able to walk better.
We started to talk about Brandon. He kept talking about the presidency issues, the civil right issues that are going on right now, and about how the world and society is just messed up. How he wishes he could just fix everything. He talked about how angry he is at the idiots who support Trump, and how paranoid he feels of his life now because of his LGBTQ+ status. I empathized. I knew how he felt. It's painful. He also talked about how misanthropic he feels – how he just wants to withdraw and stop connecting with anyone. He also talked about how depressed, hopeless, confused, and desperate he was. He told us that he just doesn't think that he can ever find such a vulnerability. He said that he was jealous of the vulnerability that both Kyle and I had showed each other. "I'm like an outsider looking in on that interaction, and here I am wishing that I could have that too… I don't feel like I can feel that way. I'm just so unable to feel any kind of vulnerability…"
Kayla interjected and told him that she doesn't believe that such a thing could ever be lost. Brandon snapped back at her and told her that he's hard a difficult traumatic life. That his vulnerabilities had been beaten away by his rageful alcoholic father. That he just can't feel anything a normal person can. I felt his pain. I realized where he was coming from. Brandon was standing in his own little island – wanting desperately to connect with people but also at the same time, vehemently denying that he wants anyone to care for him. He was concerned for humanity and the way we're headed. He talked about his philosophies of life and how there are just so many simple solutions that if man were smart enough, they would realize how to fix our shitty lives. He started to float back into the upper strata of philosophizing this life, and society, etc. It was a good intellectual discussion topic, but J insisted that we stay down on Earth where all the feelings were.
Brandon was angry that J kept asking him how he felt and made him reconnect back to his emotions every time he floated up into the world of philosophy. I felt so bad for him. I see how hard he is working – how much of his passion is expended on trying to make people see the truth. How disappointed, and disillusioned he is with life, and with people. I get it because I used to be the same exact way. I felt a tug to tell him how I really felt about him though.
"I have something to say. And I wasn't going to tell you at first but I figured since I've already been negative and said such horrible things to Kyle, why the heck not?"
Jenny sighed loudly and said, "Oh no…"
"Well as you were talking, I thought about something. And this might make you really mad but uh… I was thinking about how you sound like all those preachers who come to campus and tell people they're going to hell. But instead of those things, you're telling people they need to be vegan, and that they need to be awake to the political things that are happening… You're out there screaming at people and no one gives you any care. And all you want is some recognition that you've worked hard. That you've done so much. It's so lonely being there by yourself screaming at people who don't care. It's so painful… I totally see where you are and feel how you feel. It really really sucks…" I said.
"How did you hear that, Brandon?" J asked.
Brandon looked angry.
"It was painful. It was painful to hear that because I now have a similarity with the people I hate. The preachers I hate so much. I don't like that. It's definitely so painful…" Brandon said. Then as he mused some more, he started to philosophize again.
Kayla and Jenny jumped in to try and fix things for Brandon. I felt like it was too soon for them to do so. I felt like no one was pointing out the obvious.
"Okay, I have something else to add. It's another bad thing. I mean, I hope not… But it kinda is, I think…" I said. I started to tremble.
"You seem like you're having a hard time, Jules" J said.
"Yes I am! I'm shaking!" I said. I took a deep breath and just said it. "You know, it definitely sucks being there by yourself. To see others and to see the whole picture but no one else does. When no one else agrees with you. Yeah, it's super hard… But… Uh… But…. Have you ever… I mean… What would it be like if you stepped down from the pedestal? I mean, yeah, I know it's scary. It's super scary because you don't know what's down here. But what if you tried? If you step down from the pedestal, then you can stop seeing everyone from just the perspective of someone really high up, but rather, face-to-face. Right now, all you see are everyone's heads. How is that connecting to anyone?"
"That's vulnerability!" J exclaimed as I said what I said.
Tears sprang to my eyes again and I started sobbing in my seat. I was terrified of saying that – to tell Brandon to get off his high horse and join us down here.
"Yeah!" I exclaimed too. I was afraid that this was the last time I'd speak to Brandon again.
"Well, it's painful to hear that. And I don't know if I can do that anyway. If I were to go to an activism group, no one would know me. I make things awkward for others. I don't have any social skills. What if my friends don't want to go with me? Yeah, I've also been doing meditation. You know, trying out some self-love because I know that will help…"
I was a little disappointed that Brandon didn't catch my meaning – or perhaps he did and was trying even more to not feel it. To not feel my hand reaching out to him.
Jenny tried to help. She told Brandon that it seems like he's just speeding off somewhere and that he's not stopping to see the signs even though both Kyle, and I have been trying to reach him. That he's not willing to pull over and get the help he needs.
Brandon's anger flared up and he snapped, "What would you have me do?! I'm stressed, shut down, angry, depressed, not feeling anything… How can I do what you're asking me to do? I told you I can't!"
J said, "I want to take this opportunity to bring it all back to the beginning when Jules said, 'You just want some recognition that you're working your asses off' and you are!"
I took a deep breath and spoke again, "Yeah. I see you, Brandon. I see you working hard. I see that you're standing there yelling at people and you're working so hard to have people look at you, and stop to listen. You are working so hard. I recognize that. And I know how hard it is to take that first step. I know it feels unreacheable right now. But at the same time, I can't help but ask you if you could take the hand that I'm offering you. I'm reaching out to you. Let me help you take that first step. Let me help you get down from the pedestal so that you can see my face, and reconnect with people… I see you, Brandon…"
"I think instead of asking Brandon that he just needs to do this and that, that maybe we need to be on Brandon's speed. I mean, it takes both sides to do something. And we're all just telling him what to do. Maybe one of us needs to get up on the pedestal with him. And then help him down. We need to meet each other halfway." Kayla interrupted.
I didn't completely agree with her because I felt like I wasn't trying to tell Brandon to do anything. I am already offering my help. I am already offering my love and care for him. All I wanted him to do was to hold the hand that I was offering. I could sense a reluctance.
"I have a lot I definitely need to think about. I want to get there. I do… I just don't know how…" He said.
J then had to wrap up the session because we had gone 5 minutes over.
"You all did hard work today. But unfortunately we have to stop here because we've already gone over time…" J said regretfully. "We'll meet same time next week though, right?"
We all nodded our assent.
I felt light as I stood up and collected my coat. Sure, I still was recovering from all the crying I was doing but I was definitely feeling a lot better than I have. Lately, I've been disconnected from my feelings and it felt good to feel them again. There were a lot of uncomfortable feelings today but at least, I had embraced them instead of pushing them away as I've been doing a lot lately.
I felt a lot more love for my group members than I've ever had. I realized that this was more evidence that just because you're real with someone, or that if you call them out, or say something negative, that the relationship not only can continue, but will continue in a better, and stronger way because it means that we are all being brutally honest with each other.
I felt so proud of myself as I walked out of group today. It was incredible how I was able to stick through the uncomfortable, and terrifying feelings as I spoke my mind (something that I rarely do). I realized that this is how it feels to stop protecting people – to stop making excuses for them, or to just shield them from pain. It means to say tough things, and hope that the other person doesn't blow up on you, and that you'll be better friends/partners/colleagues/family/etc in the future.
I learned so much today in just an hour and a half. It was such an incredible session!
Pride Deserving of a Gryffindor
Today, I'm proud of myself.
Now, that's quite a rare one, isn't it?
If you've been following my blog for a while now, you'd know that I have a high level of self-shame, self-hatred, and I find it hard to self-love.
Lately however, I've been coming to terms with how I feel about myself and learning what it means to self-love.
I said to S today, "Part of me can't believe that I got to the realization that I need to cut off ties with my ex in order to heal in just a matter of days…" (I had come to terms with my decision early this week since having made said decision just a few days prior) and he said something that I'd known in the back of my mind but never really paid much attention to.
S said, "I want to challenge that notion that seems to undermine the amount of work you've done here. We're coming up to 2 years of working together, and in that time, we've been dealing with the same things over and over again. You've worked incredibly hard!"
I thought hard as he said that and I realized that he was right.
Come April, it'll have been 2 years of therapy. It's almost unbelievable how long I've been grinding away at this, and how much I've worked. It still feels surreal. How could we have known each other that long?
Is that why I could just saunter into CAPS and say hi to everyone there as though I've been buddies with them for ages? I walk in through the doors and just casually say, "Hi D! How's it going this week?" or "Hi K! Whatchu up to?" (K is the new receptionist that was hired to deal with the increasing demands of front desk work)
Is that why I could plop myself down in S' client couch and just lean back like I was very comfortable? And is that why I can now ask him questions more plainly without having to ruminate over them for months before I bring anything up?
Wow. I don't know why I am thinking like this is such a big deal – I mean, sure, I've been there almost 2 years now, so what, right?
That said, a part of me recognizes just how important this is – how important this journey has been thus far.
I keep undermining my efforts because I'm so short-sighted – I only see what's immediately in front of me. S, on the other hand, had the privilege of being a third party observer who has his own informed perspective to use.
He said, "I don't want you to sway you to my perspective but that's how I see it. I see it as you, having put in so much time, energy, and effort into this recovery process, that it took you only a few days to come to terms with your decision because it's been a long time coming. All those months of work have prepared you for this. You didn't just wake up one day and decided that you were over the divorce…"
As I chewed on his words, I realized that I started to feel the warm feeling of pride inside. I started to realize how strong I've been – despite all the batterings I've endured last year, I emerged through that alive.
I started to realize that I am proud of myself for all that I've achieved.
I told S that. He beamed and assured me that I completely deserve to feel that way. He also told me how impressed he was with my ability to pull myself out of a suicidal thought 2 weeks ago.
It had been a rough time for me and I had reverted to the old habit of self-punishment, and suicidal tendency. I wanted to kill myself – I was triggered by my ex, and was led to believe that I was crap. That I should just die so that I didn't have to feel the awful way that I do. I had also hurt Cherie's feelings – something that I couldn't believe I would do. I felt worthless.
While beating myself and telling myself that I deserve to hurt myself again, another voice chimed in. It was a different voice this time – it sounded nothing like the critical voice that I was used to hearing. It was a strong, confident, pleasant, and kind voice.
The voice said, "No! You're not worthless. Why do you have to hurt yourself? Why do you have to die? If you do that, he wins. If you let him get to you, he wins. You're better than that, Jules. You're stronger than that! You're worth more than what you've ever been told. You are too valuable to have to resort to self-harm, and suicide. Punishing yourself doesn't do anything but hurt you more. You've already hurt enough"
When I had shared this with S last week, he had beamed so brightly, and told me several times how happy he is to hear that, and that I was able to get there. Today, he told me that he was impressed with my positive self-talk. He said that in the past, my pattern had been suicide –> self-depreciation –> worse thoughts of suicide –> visiting CAPS for emergency sessions –> have good sessions –> leave feeling better –> if lucky, the good feelings last for a couple of days –> get triggered again –> suicide –> rinse and repeat.
"So the fact that the affirmation didn't come from me, or anyone here at CAPS, but rather, from yourself… That is very strong. It makes me happy to know that you're reaching a stronger point"
I was already proud of myself but hearing his words made me even more proud. It added to my affirmative feelings and validated me.
This, I believe, is my first step toward breaking more bad habits, and being a stronger individual. I know that I will regress – as S kept reminding me, "Progress and recovery is not a straight line upwards. It looks more like a zig zag upwards, where there will be times when you will slip. But that's okay. All that matters is that you keep going".
New Year
So it's Day 5 into the new year – technically, as I type this it's Day 6 but since I don't count a day as ending until I turn in to bed, it's still Day 5 for me – and I'm happy to say that I've had an eventful holiday/semester break.
Ever since Christmas at Chérie's family's, we've been inseparable. Below are some photos of us to highlight our stay together. She left for home a few hours ago and this apartment has never been quieter. After she left, I thought about how perfect this woman is in my life, and how she fulfills all of my needs, and more.I can't imagine how my 2016 would've ended had she not entered my life.
I also thought about how great of a positive impact she's had on my mental health. She's been very encouraging during all my lows – and I discover that I am able to be vulnerable with her, and allow her to see me at my weakest, as well as allow her to help me. Much of what she says is still hard to believe but with repetition, I'm starting to build the habit of listening to her and to trust her. It's been quite an experience.
I realized that having her around for the holidays, the impact of my depression has definitely been dulled. I still get into my low moods but they're not as bad as they were back in the period of April – October. I see how important it is to have a significant other who understands my struggle as well as woks hard to help me in my walk.
Between the two of us, I have a more severe anxiety disorder, while she has a more severe ADHD, so it really works out well because I provide for her the coping skills that she lacks, while she provides me the coping skills I lack. She's always able to see past my anxiety and help me see past it as well, while I'm always able to remind her to do the things that she needs to do (having poor short term memory is pretty typical in ADHD sufferers).
I know I've talked about Chérie a lot lately, and it seems like I can't talk about anything else but her. However, if you have someone who's impacted your life so drastically, I don't think you'd be able to stop talking about them either…
In any case, I'm going into 2017 with more positive feelings. I hope that things will continue to go smoothly – I can't help but feel like after such a shitty 2016, I need a breather, and I need a year that won't keep pounding me down.
I hope everyone else's year started out right! I hope that I will be able to have more time to blog.


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This is how 3 referees rated Caitlin:
Caitlin offers a discount of 50% on their first / introductory lesson!
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I am a recent graduate from the University of Exeter, with a BPS-accredited BSc (Hons) in Psychology.
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I would like to work with Psychology and Statistics students as I continue my own research and studies.
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Both as part of my undergraduate degree and my self-directed work experience, I have delivered lectures in my specialist subject to a range of students, peers and professionals aged from 16-25 years. As well as working with GCSE and A Level students, I hope to become involved in Graduate Teaching schemes; working with undergraduate students in the fields of Psychology, Statistics, and Research Methods.
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text: I know every one is hyped and excited for The Hobbit there and back again to come out on the 17th of December . But to finish off The Lord of the Rings franchise Peter jackson could make a movie about The Last alliance of Elves and Men and the movie could show us what happened and the great batlles which happened . Who else thinks this will be a good way to end a awesome franchise


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Fall Foliage
Breath-taking Fall Foliage in North Carolina
Skies bluer than sapphire. Leaves like a blazing sunset, burnished gold and crimson, shimmering in the breeze. The scent of wood smoke on the crisp autumn air. Fall in the North Carolina mountains is an experience visitors return to again and again in order to enjoy the Blue Ridge Mountains fall foliage.
Hundreds of miles of scenic byways and back country roads wind through the region, with overlooks and turnouts that offer breath-taking views of the Blue Ridge Mountains decked out in their finest fall colors.
Along the way, farm stands offer apples just off the tree, fresh cider, and plump pumpkins as orange as the leaves overhead. Corn mazes, hay rides, and fall festivals abound for the delight of "leaf peepers" and residents alike. The colors and beauty of fall foliage in the North Carolina mountains is unforgettable.
Asheville and Blue Ridge Parkay Featured on Today Show
Recently, the city of Asheville, along with the Blue Ridge Parkway, were featured on the Today Show as one of the Top Five places to see fall foliage nationwide. Click here to see.
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Below are links to some of the magnificent fall color getaways in the Blue Ridge National Heritage Area. View from your car or motorcycle, or get out in the woods for a close encounter! Blue Ridge Parkway fall foliage is one of the most popular experiences for visitors and residents alike that want to enjoy the incredible colors of autumn and beauty of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Some of these sites are featured in specatular photography on romanticasheville.com, shared with us by permission of Mark File.
- Blue Ridge Parkway
- Scenic Byways
- Great Smoky Mountains National Park
- Waterfalls
- Grandfather Mountain
- Chimney Rock
- North Carolina Arboretum
Photo: Fall phenomenon in Jackson County, the "shadow of the bear" appears in late October. Photo by Jerry Jaynes.


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Stuck between two
I've been looking for a good romantic comedy manga that I can follow up. Right now I'm thinking about getting Love Hina, Ichigo %100, or I's since those are about the only ones I know about.
If you have any recommendations about any good mangas or help me chose between one of theses it would be appreciated.
Btw, I only want mangas that you can find on your typical book store, not online.
Sorry thread should say three.
Parallel is pretty good. There's also Pastel a very similar manga by the same author, but I prefer Parallel mostly because it's shorter. (don't have to wait f-o-r-e-v-e-r for the couple to get together)
edit~ Oops, it just came to my attention that Parallel was never licensed and released in english, so you'll have to stick with scanlations if you want to read it
Gacha Gacha is good too. Very very funny. In the english release it's been split into two series, Gacha Gacha and Gacha Gacha: The Next Revolution. Get The Next Revolution. The story that makes up the first 5 volumes of Gacha Gacha isn't very interesting. (both stories are unrelated)
Ranma 1/2 is also a good choice. The manga is quite funny and has some great characters, just don't expect much relationship development.
As to your three... well, I don't really like any of them. I've seen the Love Hina anime and read the manga but mostly just because I was really bored (ended up really disliking the manga in the end). I hated the Ichigo 100% anime so I never looked into the manga. I started reading I"s and dropped it because I loathe those kind of love triangles.
Ah! My Goddess! may be a good choice. However, the art in first volumes is not great.
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Baby Will Make Three For lilsugar!
Our family will be a party of five! I am three months pregnant with our third child who is due to debut at the end of September. My five-year-old daughter and two-year-old son are excited to welcome a little sibling. And, my husband and I are preparing to be outnumbered!


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- Description
The Coronado Instruments SolarMax 90 is a thermally stable H-alpha filter for installation on the front of the user's telescope. Its 90mm aperture and <0.7A bandwidth provide very high resolution and result in unsurpassed views of the finest surface details and prominences when mounted on a good quality telescope. The Coronado SolarMax-90 is threaded to fit directly to the TV 101, 102 and Genesis SdF instruments, but will mount on most other telescopes using a suitable adaptor plate (sold separately, choose from options below, or, if you do not see the adapter for your telescope, call the store for more information).
Coronado SolarMax 90 H-Alpha Filter System
This package price is for the SolarMax 90, the BF-15 Blocking Filter (for scopes with a focal length of 1500mm or less), and a RichView tuner. If you have a telescope with a focal length of less than 1000mm, see the SolarMax 90/BF10 package. If your telescope has a focal length of 1501-3000mm, you'll need the SolarMax 90 with the BF30. You can find these products in this same category.
About the BF15 Blocking Filter:
A blocking filter is a secondary interference filter which mounts at the eyepiece end of the telescope. You must use this filter in conjunction with the front narrowband element (SolarMax 90)....either component cannot be used alone. The BF15 is specifically optimized to produce a full disc image on telescopes with a focal length of up to 1500mm. It is a 1.25" right-angled diagonal unit.
About the RichView Tuner:
Some events on the sun, notably active flares and coronal mass ejections (CME's), are extremely fast-moving. If such features occur on the disc of the Sun, their high velocity towards the observer results in their wavelength being Doppler-shifted shorter than Ha. If the velocity is high enough, this wavelength could be outside the passband of the filter and the feature would not be observable. The RichView tuner allows the user to de-tune the SolarMax II slightly to bring such phenomena into better visibility. The RichView fits between the SolarMax II and its adaptor plate. A simple rotary wheel movement accomplishes the tilt necessary to move the passband of the filter. Because of the filter position at the front end of the telescope, this does not compromise the performance of the filter nor limit the Ha field of view as is the case with rear-mounted filters.
Below you'll find a list of explanations regarding important accessories that may be required for this product. To add them to your order, just click on the "Accessories" tab and choose the appropriate items.
- An adapter plate is required to attach this filter to your telescope. Coronado is no longer producing these adapters however, Ashley Precision Parts is providing custom adapters for our customers. Please provide the telescope you will be adapting to, the outer diameter and whether you need a slip fit or threaded plate, in the comments section during check out. If you have any questions regarding these plates, please feel free to email our internet sales team for more information.
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Coronado Instruments Product Number: SMF90-15
- Additional Information
Additional Information
SKU CI-SMF90-15 Aperture 90mm Emission Line H-Alpha Bandwidth <0.7A Blocking Filter Included BF15 Best for Focal Lengths of... 600mm & Under Blocking Filter Barrel Size 1.25" Manufacturer Coronado Warranty 1 Year Warranty Wavelength <0.7 A
- Reviews
- Included Items
Included Items
- SolarMax II 90 <0.7A H-Alpha Filter
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Product QuestionsNo questions yet. Be the first to ask the question!
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West Indies vs Australia 8th match Prediction Tri-Series 2016.West Indies vs Australia will play the 8th match of Tri-Nation Series on dated 21th June.This match will be played at Kensington Oval, Bridgetown.Match will start at 21:00 local |17:00 GMT | 22:00 PKT|22:30 IST.www.superprediction.com.'West Indies vs Australia' Prediction: 21 June 2016.Last night match between Australia vs South Africa rain forces washout in Barbados.It is still not clear that which two teams will play the Final on Tri- Series.So this match is very important for the Australian team,as this is their last match of 1st round.
'West Indies vs Australia' Prediction: 21 June 2016
'West Indies vs Australia' Prediction: 21 June 2016 Who will win
Match Details:
West Indies v Australia
Event: Tri-Nation Series
Match: 8th Match
Date: June 21, 2016
Time: 21:00 local |17:00 GMT | 22:00 PKT|22:30 IST
Venue: Kensington Oval, Bridgetown
Royal London One-Day Cup Predictions
England vs Sri Lanka Predictions
Steven Smith (c),David Warner (vc),George Bailey,Scott Boland,Nathan Coulter-Nile,James Faulkner,Aaron Finch,Josh Hazlewood,Travis Head,Usman Khawaja,Nathan Lyon,Mitchell Marsh,Glenn Maxwell,Mitchell Starc,Matthew Wade (wk),Adam Zampa
Watch Tv Online
West Indies:
Jason Holder (c),Sulieman Benn,Carlos Brathwaite,Darren Bravo,Jonathan Carter,Johnson Charles,Andre Fletcher,Shannon Gabriel,Sunil Narine,Ashley Nurse,Kieron Pollard,Denesh Ramdin,Marlon Samuels,Jerome Taylor
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ITALY: Size rules out Mazda-Ford platform share
The new D-segment Ford Mondeo is too big for Mazda, especially in Japan, which is why the Japanese firm did not share the platform for its redesigned 6.
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Your Mercedes-Benz dealership isn't the only place to locate genuine or original equipment quality repair parts to fix your ML63 AMG. The vehicle in your driveway is head and shoulders above the rest when it comes to all the cars, trucks, and SUVs in today's marketplace. You picked your ML63 AMG because its performance and European styling agreed with your nature; so why would you settle for second rate when it comes to great quality auto parts? Anyone who owns a Mercedes-Benz knows that when it comes to repairing their automobile only the highest quality replacement parts will do.
The first production cars from over a hundred years ago must have been very unpleasant to drive. The MacPherson strut suspension was first used on front wheels, and made it so they could achieve the same amount of rotation using fewer parts. Still, your Mercedes-Benz ML63 AMG struts absorb impact the same way shock absorbers do. However, your specific model uses a strut which allows the spindle to move in all directions by pivoting off the strut rod at the top, thereby doing away with the upper control arm and ball joint which previously performed that function. If your Mercedes-Benz ML63 AMG has an independent rear suspension, a strut works much better than a shock for the rear wheel carriers.
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text:
Sebastian Stan Totally Just Confirmed That Captain America 4 Is Happening
Now, with Marvel Studios' Phase 3 Lineup seemingly full to the point of bursting ( ), many fans have long since given up on hopes of seeing some of the most beloved Marvel franchises return to the big screen this side of 2020. Iron Man 4, for instance, seems as far away as ever – as do Black Widow and Hulk solo movies – and the recent release of Captain America: Civil War would seem to suggest that we won't see Captain America 4 hit theaters anytime soon. Heck, there's a reason we've all been s for the past year.
As it turns out, though, at least one of those eagerly-anticipated movies might well be a whole lot more inbound than we suspect. Y'see…
Sebastian Stan Totally Just Confirmed That Captain America 4 Is Happening
Yup, that's right. Asked by GQ in a recent interview "Is there anything official with the next Captain America film?", Stan's response was…surprisingly clear-cut:
"There will be, I just don't know when. It's kind of like this weird mystery. It's fun and nerve-wracking. The best way to describe it is that you just get a phone call one day that's like, "You're going to report to set," and off you go. We all get along really well, so it's really fun. My relationship with Anthony Mackie is one of the perks of my life, knowing that man. It's fun. It's very collaborative. Everyone knows what the goal is; we all want to make something that's great and different and that surprises fans. We all just assume our roles in the puzzle. There's no drama."
Which, while not quite a release date or official title, sure does come across as a solid confirmation that we will, in actual fact, be seeing Captain America 4 in the relatively near future.
Though that doesn't necessarily mean that it'll get here before Phase 4 – or that it'll be …
Bucky v Falcon for the right to wield the shield, anyone?
What do you reckon, though?
Are you still hoping to see Captain America 4 arrive during Phase 3?


text: Pigeon Key History: The K Throughout the years, a variety of people have called Pigeon Key home. First, it was home to around four hundred men who worked to build Henry Flagler's railway extension to Key West. When the railway was completed, it then became the home of bridge... Read More


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Rajdeep Villa
Call us 1800-300-2400-1 (Toll Free) and Get additional Discount upto 50% for this Hotel.
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About Rajdeep Villa
Rajdeep Villa is a budget accommodation in Noida which offers air-conditioned rooms. This property is located 0.5 km from Sector 11 Bus Stand and 6 km from Worlds of Wonder. Each of the 20 rooms offered at this 3 storied hotel in Noida are spacious and have amenities like wardrobe and attached bathroom with toiletries and constant supply of hot and cold water.
No of floors: 3 | No of rooms: 20
Checkin Time: 1200 pm
Checkout Time: 1200 pm
Hotel Information and Amenities
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Hotel Amenities
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iPhone, iPad & Android Apps
BankFinancial iPhone®, iPad® and Android® Apps are free.*To use all the features within the App, you must be an Online Banking Customer. Login and sign up for free using your existing username/ID and password. With the BankFinancial iPhone®,iPad® or Android® Apps you can:
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The for statement in C
By: Daniel Malcolm Emailed: 1768 times Printed: 2515 times
Latest comments
#include <stdio.h> /* print Fahrenheit-Celsius table */ main() { int fahr; for (fahr = 0; fahr <= 300; fahr = fahr + 20) printf("%3d %6.1f\n", fahr, (5.0/9.0)*(fahr-32)); }This produces the same answers, but it certainly looks different. One major change is the elimination of most of the variables; only fahr remains, and we have made it an int. The lower and upper limits and the step size appear only as constants in the for statement, itself a new construction, and the expression that computes the Celsius temperature now appears as the third argument of printf instead of a separate assignment statement.
This last change is an instance of a general rule - in any context where it is permissible to use the value of some type, you can use a more complicated expression of that type. Since the third argument of printf must be a floating-point value to match the %6.1f, any floating-point expression can occur here.
The for statement is a loop, a generalization of the while. If you compare it to the earlier while, its operation should be clear. Within the parentheses, there are three parts, separated by semicolons. The first part, the initialization
fahr = 0is done once, before the loop proper is entered. The second part is the test or condition that controls the loop:
fahr <= 300This condition is evaluated; if it is true, the body of the loop (here a single ptintf) is executed. Then the increment step
fahr = fahr + 20is executed, and the condition re-evaluated. The loop terminates if the condition has become false. As with the while, the body of the loop can be a single statement or a group of statements enclosed in braces. The initialization, condition and increment can be any expressions.
The choice between while and for is arbitrary, based on which seems clearer. The for is usually appropriate for loops in which the initialization and increment are single statements and logically related, since it is more compact than while and it keeps the loop control statements together in one place.
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I am all excited to present my very first session on Database Performance for SharePoint Sites.
Here is the details for my session which is planned for tomorrow.
Grand Copthorne Waterfront Hotel Singapore
392 Havelock Road
Singapore 169663
My Sessions details:
Maintaining SQL Server at Optimal Performance for Blazing Fast SharePoint Site!
Date: Oct 27, 2010
Time: 1:30 PM
Venue: Grand Copthorne Waterfront Hotel (Waterfront Conference Centre)
During the session I will be presenting three demos. I have worked hard to come up with this demos. Here is the details for the same.
SQLAuthority News – SQLAuthority News – Presenting at South East Asia SharePoint Conference – Demo Details
Reference: Pinal Dave (https://blog.sqlauthority.com)
7 Comments. Leave new
Best of Luck Pinal…
Hai Pinal Sir,
I am a great fan for u & ur blog.
I am working on SQL SERVER in a software company from the past 6 months.
I am not a master on the topics but i am cofident on all those topics.
Now what i want to say is, i want to do certification on SQL SERVER.
wil u please tell me what is the basic certification, which i can complete.
if u possible please send the details my mail id :- [email address removed]
waiting for u replay.
Hi Pinal,
I am proud of You..
You will achieve more challanges in ur way..
Logo= Pinal
Trade name = SQL Authority
and a brand new nice back ground (I think it's a new back ground ist n't it)
good on you mate.
Hi pinal,
Can you please share the deck you presented for sharepoint conference in singapore..
Deep HH
Hi Pinal!
First of all thanks for your excellent work and focus on the database area. We really appreciate that! :)
I have mutiple databases running Sharepoint in our environment(SQL 2008R2 + Sharepoint 10) and from time to time they show performance issues, sometimes related to third party backup tools and other times related to # types of issues. Could you please share the deck you presented on this topic?
my email is [email removed]
Thanks in advance.


text:
Top Linksmain detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographiesby yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?photo galleryquotes
Sgt. Ernie Savage (Character)
from We Were Soldiers (2002)
Alternate Names:
FilmographyEdit Credits
- "Fight or Die"
- Valley of Death (2008) TV episode, Played by Chad Mathews (as Ernie Savage)
- We Were Soldiers (2002) Played by Ryan Hurst
... aka "Once and Forever" - Japan (English title) (imdb display title)
Additional Details
Plot Keywords:
Fun Stuff
[At night]
Specialist Galen Bungum: I can't see a thing, but I can smell them.
Sergeant Ernie Savage: Dead bodies smell, Bungum.
Specialist Galen Bungum: No it's not the dead ones! I can smell them creeping up on us.
See more »
You may correct errors and omissions on this page directly. Clicking the 'Update' button will take you through a step-by-step process.


text:
The game is TraveLLLers runner for android in which your main trump will attentiveness and good reaction, and the rest is accumulated gradually. Prepared by the game developers Animoca Brands, which most have become famous thanks to the series about Astroboya on android games, however, there are also a lot of other popular projects.
As in other similar projects, the gameplay here is very simple and clear, the other question is how long you will be able to cope with what you want from. And want you to be completely not so much - to go as far as possible by automatically generated locations, and even then will not have to turn (this happens automatically), there are no obstacles or enemies, so what's the deal?
The idea was quite simple, as the journey goes just three characters, and each has its own specialty. One turned out to be a specialist in the fire, the other on the tents, and the third for some pieces, reminiscent of kits. Anyway, all these elements will be encountered on your way, sometimes in large numbers, sometimes just one lie can, but the main difficulty lies in the fact that each item collected should be the hero, which is suitable for specialization, otherwise you lose. Each element is assembled in the overall standings for the current trip, in addition to this coin will be scattered on the level, which can collect each character. We need to understand that the characters are flat formation, with one click of the second goes to the place of the first, and the first is at the end, so I have to keep track of what awaits you in front and, depending on which character is needed, to make one or two clicks . At first glance, it is quite simple, as long as the speed does not improve ...
games Disadvantages:
Outcome: TraveLLLers game is a great runner who fully performs the role of a decent time-killer, offering a fairly short rounds and allowing at least to strive for something, and most importantly, it can be done for free.
Smoother travels mean more adventures; and that's what you're getting with these upgrades:
- Compatibility and stability enhancements
|date of download
|The size
| Other languages
Afrikaans, Arab, Bengal, Czech, Danish, German, Greek, English, Spanish, Finnish, French, Gujarati, Hindi, Croatian, Hungarian, Indonesian, Italian, Japanese, Kannada, Korean, Malayalam, Marathi, Malay, Norwegian, Dutch, Punjabi, Polish, Portuguese, Russian, Slovak, Swedish, Tamil, Telugu, Thai, Tagalog, Turkish, Vietnamese, Chinese
|The file is checked
Attention! All files represented on this site either were found freely distributed on the internet or by their authors' permission. If any of materials on this site violates your rights, report us
Rating:(4) 0.9★
Rate the game:Plot


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Q.1.(a) Choose the word that is nearly similar in meaning to the word in capital letters. (5)
(Do only FIVE) Extra attempt of any Part of the question will not be considered.
(i) OBSCURE
(a) unclear (b) doubtful
(ii) AMIABLE
(a) obnoxious (b) affable
(iii) HOODWINK
(a) delude (b) avoid
(iv) GUILEFUL
(a) honourable (b) disingenuous
(v) OBSESSION
(a) fixed ideas (b) delusion
(vi) RADICAL
(a) innate (b) moderate
(vii) PRESUMPTIVE
(a) credible (b) timid
(b) Pick the most nearly opposite in meaning to the capitalized word: (5)
(viii) PRESENTABLE
(a) unable (b) scruffy (c) suitable (d) personable
(ix) SALVATION
(a) escape (b) starvation (c) doom (d) rescue
(x) PLAIN
(a) clean (b) distinct (c) ambiguous (d) frugal
(xi) ODIOUS
(a) porus (b) charming (c) horrid (d) offensive
(xii) INFLAME
(a) calm (b) anger (c) excite (d) kindle
Friday, February 22, 2013
English MCQS Test
Q.1.(a) Choose the word that is nearly similar in meaning to the word in capital letters. (5)
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Online entries have now closed.
Late entries will be accepted at Matiatia Wharf on Friday 20th, between 2:15PM and 6:30PM for ALL events. This will be the last opportunity to enter the 25K event due to heavy demand and the capacity of the Fun Run Ferry.
Late entries will be possible on Saturday morning for the 12K (from 8:15am) and the 5K (from 9:15am) at their start lines.
Kids Dash and Treasure Hunt registrations will open at 10:00am at Matiatia field.
Please note that your Entry Fee does NOT include transport costs. Check out details for discounted ferry fares from Auckland HERE.
If joining the Fun Run ferry at Matiatia on race day to get to the Orapiu start line you will be able to purchase your $10 ticket at race packet pick up on Friday, or before boarding the boat on Saturday morning – but make sure to bring cash as no EFTPOS will be available.
Upon completion of your online entry and payment, you will receive an automatically generated email with a link to your confirmation details. A copy of your e-confirmation will be required to pick up your Race Pack. If you cannot find a copy do not panic! We will have an alphabetical list at race packet pick up points.
Requests made prior to Race Day to change events or distances will incur a $20 administration fee, payable at the time of request.
No event changes will be accepted on race day, no exceptions.
Refunds will be made up until 13th January 2017, but will incur a $20 administration fee.
No refunds will be made after 13th January, no exceptions.


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Best Lawyers & Advocates for Legal Advice in Chikkabanavara, Bangalore
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89 Lawyers near Chikkabanavara
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- New on UrbanClapNagapura, Bangalore, Karnataka, IndiaRs. 2,000 /consultation
aboutAdvocate Raghavendra Edagi is a law graduate from Bangalore Unive... read more
- 5.01 reviewGayatrinagar, Bangalore, Karnataka, IndiaRs. 500 /consultation
- 5.03 reviewsMalleshwaram West, Bangalore, Karnataka, IndiaRs. 2,500 /consultation
- New on UrbanClapJakkuru, Bangalore, Karnataka, IndiaRs. 3,000 /consultation
aboutIntroduction Mr. Nagendra Prasad B.M has been practicing indepen... read more
- 5.023 reviewsJakkuru, Bangalore, Karnataka, IndiaRs. 1,000 /consultation
- New on UrbanClapRajaji Nagar, Bangalore, Karnataka, IndiaRs. 500 /consultation
aboutExperience: 8 Qualification: BA LLB PGDHRM ... read more
- New on UrbanClapRs. 3,000 /consultation
aboutIntroduction Mr. Afaque Kola has been practicing independently si... read more
- New on UrbanClapDharwad Mishra Peda, Bangalore, Karnataka, IndiaRs. 2,000 /consultation
- 5.02 reviewsKrishnappa Block, Bangalore, Karnataka, IndiaRs. 5,000 /consultation
Recent bookings of Lawyers in Chikkabanavara
Muzamil ShahOld Airport Road, HAL, Bengaluru, Karnataka, India4.0
Hired by
Uday Puri
Rs. 1000
Services taken
Corporate Affairs, Agreements/ Deeds/ Contracts, New Case
Engaged Muzamil to help me with a Contract Breach Case. First Awa...read morereviewed on January 7, 2017
Dilip ManivalaHSR Layout, Bengaluru, Karnataka, India4.0
Hired by
Akhil Khandeparkar
Rs. 1500
Services taken
Others, Review of Agreement for purchasing of new flat, New Case
Dilip is a really good lawyer. He is quick with his response, ver...read morereviewed on January 4, 2017
Dilip ManivalaMarathahalli, Bengaluru, Karnataka, India5.0
Hired by
Rs. 1500
Services taken
Consumer Complaints, Other, I have a credit card from Tata Sbi and it had a credit limit of 50k and I have spent around 40k and now they're coming up telling me that I have a due of Rs.84k. To that when I'm asking for a statement they're telling that they will deduct this from my savings account as they have tracked my savings account. But I have not provided them any of my Bank Account Number so how can they do that and how can they ask for such a big amount without any proper statement. So I need a legal assistance.
In one word He's God! To me for the Service that he has provided ...read morereviewed on December 16, 2016
Dilip ManivalaHebbal, Bengaluru, Karnataka, India5.0
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Rs. 1500
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Others, need annexure g for minor passport, New Case
Awesome experience. Advocate Dilip has constantly communicated un...read morereviewed on December 14, 2016
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Hi this is shasthika ,mkm legal service is the one of best legal services in Bangalore,mr.Radesh was the best lawyer in property verfication and Mrs Shahan...read more
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Miss Pallavi has been instrumnetal in consulation she provided me with real estate. All documents where throughly checked, followed up and made crisp and h...read more
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Mr. Pratap is an outstanding advocate and a wonderful human being. Apart from providing sound legal advice, his intention to provide unbiased and welfare f...read more
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My experience with Pallavi from the time I consulted has been very positive.Very attentive, thorough and helpful.I appreciate her ability to think quickly ...read more
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Very good lawyer. One of the best in whitefield area. Knowledgeable, tech savvy, fast and reliable service. Appreciate timely help and smooth work done.


text:
CMO Supplier Quality Agreements - How to Comply with New FDA and EU Guidelines for Contract Drug Manufacturers
Product ID: 703476
- Duration: 60 Min
Customer Care
Fax: +1-650-565-8542
Email: email@example.com
This webinar will include a detailed discussion of Contract Manufacturing Organizations (CMO) Quality Agreement topics such as change control, documentation, facilities and equipment, lab controls, sub-contracting, etc. Attendees will learn how to comply with new FDA and EU guidelines for contract drug manufacturers.
Why Should You Attend:
Control of suppliers such as Contract Manufacturing Organizations (CMO) has always been a requirement of the FDA and EU. With the issuance of these new regulatory documents the expectation is that there will be a written documentation of this control. Proof of this control can be presented to FDA / EU inspectors in the form of a Quality Agreement which is specific to a particular CMO.
This webinar will provide a thorough understanding of the content that is expected in Quality Agreements from a regulatory perspective. Each proposed section of a Quality Agreement is fully analyzed and suggested content is written with the new guidelines taken into consideration. Comparison of the two regulatory documents will be presented with differences highlighted and discussed. The latest status of the FDA draft guidance will be discussed and a review of comments from industry is included.
Areas Covered in the Webinar:
- The who and what of a good Quality Agreement
- What a Quality Agreement is - and is not
- Responsibilities of the owner vs. contract facility
- GMP responsibilities
- A comparison of the new guidelines from the FDA and the EU
Who Will Benefit:
This webinar will provide valuable assistance to all personnel in:
- Quality Assurance
- External Manufacturing / Outsourcing
- Quality Auditing
- Technology Transfer
- Regulatory Affairs / Compliance
- Supply Chain
- Purchasing
- Risk Management
Roger Cowan
Pharmaceutical Consultant, R Cowan Consulting Services LLC
Roger Cowan, is the founder and owner of R Cowan Consulting Services LLC, a consulting company specializing primarily in the area of pharmaceutical contract manufacturing. He has 35 years' experience in pharmaceutical quality assurance and manufacturing. In his career, Roger has held various manager / director positions in Quality Assurance, QC Laboratory, Technical Services Validation, Manufacturing, and Clinical Supply manufacturing and distribution. Roger has taught courses in microbiology at Seneca College (Pharmaceutical Technology Program) in Toronto, Canada.
Roger's areas of expertise include: aseptic pharmaceutical manufacture, GMP facility audits, technical transfer, microbiology, environmental monitoring/contamination control, product sterilization, process development, process validation, clinical supply manufacturing, labeling and distribution, US / International regulatory requirements, regulatory submissions, and quality assurance/control.
Topic Background:
In 2010, the global CMO market was estimated at $26 billion dollars. Year on year growth has been 10.7% since 2008. The increasing use of outsourcing in the pharmaceutical industry along with recent well publicized quality issues with CMOs, make it a necessity to have excellent quality oversight of external manufacturers to provide assurance of GMP compliance. A Quality Agreement is one tool used to accomplish this objective.
A Quality Agreement is a contract between a pharmaceutical firm and a GMP Contract Manufacturer detailing the responsibilities of each party in assuring the quality, safety and efficacy of the manufactured drug.
Recently, the EU and the FDA issued regulatory guidance to bring some clarity and consistency to these quality contracts:
- EU GMP Chapter 7 "Outsourced Activities" (Revised)
- Draft Guidance for Industry - "Contract Manufacturing Arrangements for Drugs: Quality Agreements" May 2013
Refund Policy
Registrants may cancel up to two working days prior to the course start date and will receive a letter of credit to be used towards a future course up to one year from date of issuance. ComplianceOnline would process/provide refund if the Live Webinar has been cancelled. The attendee could choose between the recorded version of the webinar or refund for any cancelled webinar. Refunds will not be given to participants who do not show up for the webinar. On-Demand Recordings can be requested in exchange.
Webinar may be cancelled due to lack of enrolment or unavoidable factors. Registrants will be notified 24hours in advance if a cancellation occurs. Substitutions can happen any time.
If you have any concern about the content of the webinar and not satisfied please contact us at below email or by call mentioning your feedback for resolution of the matter.
We respect feedback/opinions of our customers which enables us to improve our products and services. To contact us please email firstname.lastname@example.com call +1-888-717-2436 (Toll Free).
Product Reviews
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text:
Al Capone and the St. Valentine's Day Massacre
The Details
On February 14, 1929 four of Capone's men entered a garage dressed as police officers. Greeted by rival gang members, Capone's men forced them to face the wall will their hands in the air. Being fooled by the faked police uniforms the rival gang members complied. However, as the rivals gang member's backs were turned, Capone's men fired 150 total shots into the seven men facing the wall. Of these seven men, six of them were killed. Although it is to be beileved that Al Capone staged this massacre, he was never conviced for punished due to the lack of evidence.
The Mystery
The mystery to be solved is "Was Al Capone involved?"
"7 Chicago Gangsters Slain by Firing Squad of Rivals, Some in Police Uniforms."New York Times. Learing Network, n.d. Web. 15 Apr. 2015.
"History Files - Al Capone." History Files - Al Capone. N.p., n.d. Web. 15 Apr. 2015.
"St. Valentines Day Massacre." FBI. N.p., n.d. Web. 15 Apr. 2015.
The victims of this horrific crime are the seven rival gang members who were shot at.
The Suspects
There were many suspects including the four men who were involving in the shooting, but the main man the police were looking for was Al Capone.
The Evidence
There was a very good amount of evidence left behind considering the nature of the crime. There were gun shells scattered around the floor and there were eye witness testimonies.
The Proposed Narator
One of the men who were involved in the shooting.


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Victoria Anna - China: Victoria Anna Cruise Review by Susan Burleson
Overall Member Rating
Victoria Anna - China
Destination: Asia
Embarkation: Shanghai
They struggled to put the beds into a king configuration (linens were for twin beds not king). The use of the top level dining room for suite guests was very nice --- breakfasts were very good throughout the cruise. Lunches and dinners in the main dining room all five days were extremely disappointing. The food was not good and we normally love Chinese food and in the past, have More been eager to try new foods. We're rethinking this, given this ship's menu and food preparation. There was no alternative selections when the food was poor. There was lots of left-over food and people were not eating --- that should have been a clue to the food manager and chefs. Yet, the poor selection of food for lunches and dinners continued throughout the entire cruise.
The Yangtze River and Three Gorges Dam were most interesting. The ship was comfortable and overall, very pleasant. If it wasn't for the poor food, we would have rated this ship much higher. They have work to do and must be ready to meet the needs of Western travelers if they want to continue to attract the tourists on this ship line. We are not new travelers to either riverboats or ocean liners -- if meals are not good, that spoils the trip and the reputation of the ship line! We hope the food service for the Victoria Anna improves for future travelers! Less
Published 11/06/07
Cabin review: 402
Read Cruise Critic's Victoria Anna Review >>
One Time Is More Than Enough
Great Itinerary, Family Cruise
Best cruise yet!
Very average
Former Glory!
Victoria Yangtze River Cruise
Very average
Former Glory!
So much more than I expected!
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by Rebecca Darling
The Top 5 Challenges Business Owners Face When Starting a Business
There are a number of challenges business owners face during the early stages of their business development. At KEDCO's Small Business Development Centre, we offer free and confidential guidance to business owners who are at any stage in their business. Here are some of the main challenges that new business owners have encountered.