text:
Showing all Releases for January 2014
Stormont Vail Health Receives Highest Nursing Credential with Prestigious Magnet® Recognition…For the Second Time
Tuesday January 28, 2014
Recognition reinforces commitment to providing patient care excellence
Stormont Vail HealthCare has again attained Magnet® recognition as part of the American Nurses Credentialing Center's (ANCC) Magnet Recognition Program®. This voluntary credentialing program for health care organizations recognizes excellence in nursing. This credential is the highest honor an organization can receive for professional nursing practice. "Receiving Magnet redesignation shows that Stormont Vail staff is setting and maintaining excellence as the standard," said Randy Peterson, Stormont Vail HealthCare President and CEO. "Our physicians and staff provide high quality, safe and compassionate care, comparable to other top tier health care facilities across the nation. This Magnet redesignation is another step toward our vision of being a national leader in providing compassionate, high-quality and efficient integrated care."
Magnet recognition has become the gold standard for nursing excellence and is taken into consideration when the public judges health care organizations. In fact, U.S. News & World Report's annual showcase of "America's Best Hospitals" includes Magnet recognition in its ranking criteria for quality of inpatient care. To achieve initial Magnet recognition, organizations must pass a rigorous and lengthy process that demands widespread participation from leadership and staff. The process begins with the submission of an electronic application, followed by written documentation demonstrating qualitative and quantitative evidence regarding patient care and outcomes. If scores from the written documentation fall within a range of excellence, an on-site visit will occur to thoroughly assess the applicant. After this rigorous on-site review process, the Commission on Magnet will review the completed appraisal report and vote to determine whether Magnet recognition will be granted.
An organization seeking to reapply for Magnet recognition must provide documented evidence of how Magnet concepts, performance, and quality were sustained and improved over the four-year period since the hospital received its initial recognition. In particular, the Magnet model is designed to provide a framework for nursing practice, research, and measurement of outcomes. Through this framework, ANCC can assess applicants across a number of components and dimensions to gauge an organization's nursing excellence. The foundation of this model is composed of various elements deemed essential to delivering superior patient care. These include the quality of nursing leadership and coordination and collaboration across specialties, as well as processes for measuring and improving the quality and delivery of care. Magnet recognition has been shown to provide specific benefits to hospitals and their communities, such as:
- Higher patient satisfaction with nurse communication, availability of help, and receipt of discharge
- information
- Higher job satisfaction among nurses
- Lower nurse reports of intentions to leave position
"Receiving Magnet redesignation validates the excellence our staff provides every day, 24/7," said Carol Perry, Stormont Vail HealthCare Vice President and chief nursing officer. "The honor is a reflection of the wonderful multidisciplinary team we have at Stormont Vail."
Being recognized as a Magnet facility for the second time is a great achievement for Stormont Vail HealthCare as it continues to proudly belong to the Magnet community—a select group of 397 health care organizations out of nearly 6,000 U.S. health care organizations. Stormont Vail HealthCare was initially designated a Magnet hospital in 2009. Hospitals must reapply for Magnet recognition every four years based on adherence to Magnet concepts and demonstrated improvements in patient care and quality.
Stormont Vail Foundation receives grant from Lewis H. Humphreys Charitable Trust to purchase state-of-the-art neonatal ventilators
Monday January 27, 2014
The Stormont Vail Foundation has been awarded a grant of $33,079 from the discretionary funds held by the Lewis H. Humphreys Charitable Trust, Bank of America, Trustee, to purchase four non-invasive ventilators for premature babies. The non-invasive ventilators are state-of-the-art treatment for babies needing assistance with breathing. In 2013, Stormont Vail was one of eight neonatal intensive care units in the U.S. to receive the Gold Seal of Approval for Prematurity from the Joint Commission.
"The Humphreys' family were always such great supporters of our Neonatal IntensiveCare Unit," said Nicki Bradbury, Director, Stormont Vail Neonatal IntensiveCare. "It is fitting that their gift assured the purchase of these non-invasive ventilators allowing us to provide the latest technology for our tiniest patients who have respiratory issues."
For more information or to learn how you can make a donation to the Stormont Vail Foundation or volunteer, please visit StormontVail.org or call (785) 354-6851.
Wael Khreiss, M.D., General Surgeon, Joins Cotton-O'Neil Clinic
Monday January 13, 2014
Cotton‐O'Neil Clinic, a division of Stormont‐Vail HealthCare, announces the addition of Wael Khreiss, M.D., to the general surgery practice at 823 S.W. Mulvane St., in Topeka. He is currently accepting new patient consultations at the clinic.
Dr. Khreiss received his medical degree at American University of Beirut, Lebanon, in 2005. He completed at residency in general surgery at American University of Beirut, Lebanon, in 2007. He then completed an internship and residency in general surgery at the Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., in 2013. He is a member of the American College of Surgery and is skilled to surgically treat a variety of diseases and conditions including, cancer, hernias, conditions affecting the breast, gallbladder, endocrine system, and gastrointestinal tract. He is also a member of the Stormont‐Vail Trauma team.
Dr. Khreiss is now accepting new patients at Cotton‐O'Neil Clinic. To schedule an appointment, speak with your primary care physician for a referral or call, (785) 354‐9591.


text:
Expert Forums
Full Site
Sign in
Type 1
Type 2
General Health
Diet and Fitness
Women's Health
Men's Health
Heart Disease
Heart Rhythm
High Blood Pressure
18 - 24 years old
25 - 34 years old
35+ years old
Mental Health
All Communities
Women's Health
Diet and Fitness
Heart Disease
Mental Health
Eczema pictures on head
Common Questions and Answers about Eczema pictures on head
I have been in a monogomous relationship with my girlfriend for 1,1/2 years. 5 days ago I noticed I had 12-15 pin
sized bumps
the shaft of my penis. I noticed them on a night after having sex with my girfriend. They aren't painful, they aren't red, they aren't sensitive. You would never be able to see them if I didn't point them out to you, you have to stretch the skin to get a good look.
Read More
At that point I thought all was well until I saw what looked like a small open sore
the glands. It never hurt or wept or crusted over or looked anything like the herpes pictures I could find online and by the time I got back into the clinic (about 2-3 days after) the "sore" was completely gone but some of the glans still appeared red and cracked, they also reswabed for herpes.
Read More
He also told the guy to wear loose all cotton clothing! What I said was. If allergies are the most important cause for
then don't you think that
IS actually an allergic reaction? And went on which I will get to in a second. But not only was that comment deleted but so was the doctors comment that allergies are the most important cause for eczema! Why? Let me tell you why. Because of money made treating the symptoms.
Read More
Looks like I've got
the back of my
and my upper neck, my doctor told me yesterday that it's most likely a side effect from the Hep C medication, which is all well and good but how to I get rid of it. Where it's on my scalp, under my hair, I can't put any type of ointment on it. Last night my boyfriend put some of his eczema salve on my neck and it did seem to stop the itching for a little while.
Read More
I know it isn't shingles, but now I'm not convinced it's ringworm either, especially since most times when the area itches, I put clotrimazole on it just in case. Since I have
my rear and I also have rosacea
my face, maybe it's more likely I have this nummular eczema rather than ringworm again. I just feel like I've been fighting a losing case if it's ringworm.
Read More
I met with her
Jan. 31. She immediately diagnosed it as
but didn't say what type. I think it's nummular dermatitis from the pictures I've attached. She gave me a shot, an antibiotic prescription (Cephalexin) for my swollen legs and feet and an ointment prescription (Clobetasol). Plus she told me to take warm baths 3x weekly with 2 TBS bleach in the water. Plus put on Aveeno Eczema cream over top the Clobetasol 2x daily.
Read More
Recently I noticed a very rough, bumpy texture
my penis
(glans). The bumps are dispersed everywhere
the head but appear to be more densely concentrated at the top of the head lining the bottom portion (away from the meatus, in other words). I could almost call them "scales." They definitely have a bumpy texture. The underside of the glans is much smoother and more "normal" looking and feeling.
Read More
Then, on Sunday night, while bathing, I pulled back my foreskin and noticed a red rash
my penis
mainly to the right side. After some frantic research about rashes
penises, I came across an image on the internet that resembles how my penis looks. (Here is the link - http://en.allexperts.com/q/Venereal-Diseases-2106/2010/12/spots-penis-head.htm, the image is named penis head 1.) Subsequently, today I developed a slight flu and fever coupled with a minor case of diarrhea.
Read More
Doctor, I am having a problem with recurrent rash/spots
, that usually comes with masturbation/friction, although, I think very few times, it came without any reason. The rash is itchy.This has been going on at least from past 8 to 12 months. Sexual history : I am 37 year old male, with no sexual partner from past 1 year. I have had multiple sexual partners before that.
Read More
I have many tiny bumps
my scrotum and penis
. The scrotum is red and irritated most of the time and the tip of my penis is irritated some of the time as well. It's hard to describe, but the penis head looks strange with small bumps all over it with redness and irritation. The bumps are mainly flesh colored with a touch of red hue in some areas and very small. At times it looks a bit shriveled with lines and cracks. I've been seen by a few doctors and one dermatologist.
Read More
but my 4yr old son has a similiar issue except his isn't
the pubic area. i brought him the the dr and he said it was
and prescribed him a steroid cream called triamcinolone acetonide 1% twice a day for 7-10 days its only day 2 and its already practically gone. another cream that we used before we went to the dr was aquaphor ointment which you can get over the counter. that also worked very well and it cleared up within a day or two with that.
Read More
I recently went to my friends and noticed when taking a shower that I had weird red spots that itched
my penis
as well as the skin
was very dry and seemed to be doing the shafing/peeling. This bothered me, it has been about 3 days and the itch only comes back ever once and a while, the redness is about the same though the foreskin has lost redness, the head itself still has the dots.
Read More
Hi I am a 21 year old male and since i was 17 I noticed that there were wrinkles or lines coming up
. I hadnt noticed them before or there werent as many as there are now. When i feel the top of my head its all bumpy and im worried of what this might be.
Read More
I have developed a red, 0.5 inch oval-shaped patch of skin
the dorsal
of my penis (pics). The red patch has persisted for more than 7 days without changing and without me disturbing it. It is mostly smooth, slightly red, the skin appears shiny with a different texture than surrounding skin. There appears to be a border around the area where the redness is more pronounced. No itching, no burning, no discharge, no pain.
Read More
I have small slightly raised red pimples of shaft several spots of skin missing that seems to have been eaten away and alot of redness
of penis. It's been three months and ive been hoping it would go away on its own but clearly its not and im concerned. Who do I see a GP, urologist, or dermatologist? Pictures (camera quality ***** but you can see the patches of missing skin and small raised dots ) http://www.flickr.com/photos/38450023@N07/3535541002/ http://www.flickr.
Read More
never had blisters...like I said, the only thing I have had are the red patches
my penis
, and itchiness
my shaft. I have looked at pictures on the internet, and my penis has not looked anything like the pictures I saw for herpes type 1.
Read More
jpg I should start off by saying I've had
for about 5 years now. It was mainly
my hands and back of my legs, but never migrated to my penis. I'm also a virgin and total loser when it comes to anything at all social, so it can't be an STD. About a year ago the tip of my **** had what appeared to be a rash/rough patch of skin. I thought it was from too much masturbating, so i held back for abit.
Read More
Hello. Im posting some
about my skin problems
. Any know what kind of problem is this? I met a lot of doctors here around but they dont care so much about that.. they just give me some corticosteroids and thats it.. i dont like that, becouse they are too much aggressive. Please try to answer me, i would be thankful... and im sorry for my bad english have a nice day pictures: http://img297.imageshack.us/img297/1019/110o.jpg http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/6611/112o.
Read More
This is probably a late reply but anyways, i have found out that this is a penis eczema and specific "hydrocortisone cream" should be applied on the area every morning and night (ask your local med shops/gp to purchase + make sure to get all needed info).
Read More
I do not know if this is an STD, or some type of contact dermatitis or eczema from friction, caused by sex, clothing or masturbation. I do have
my hands and legs, and have extremely sensitive skin. I have attached 3 pictures to my profile.
Read More
I also noticed an increased number of small skin-colored bumps
of the penis, so I went to see a third doctor. He said that this is probably a case of mild balanitis, and told me to drink lots of fluids and wash the penis with baby soap. For the bump in the urethra opening he said it is possibly a blood vessel. I also took an yeast medication pill together with my wife. There has been no visible improvement on the skin... The skin is dry and with small skin colored bumps.
Read More
Now, I'm not sure which I should attribute it to, though I do certainly have
my legs presently. Also, they began to swell a few days before my first test. My doctor said that IgG's were likely to show up if they were swelling in response to the virus, and of course my test returned negative for HSV1&2 IgG's. - There is a mild burning sensation that has been occurring on the right side of my penis shaft, off-and-on.
Read More
Hi there, a few years back i had a case of what im quite confident to be
my penis glans, which resulted in the head getting dry and flaky, didnt really feel sore but it looked sore, and i didnt really know how to treat it back then, i dont get it anymore and i know how to treat it if it comes back (had it once more after that but nothing serious).
Read More
Hello, From time to time I get those bumps
my hand. They don't appear to be related to anything I come in contact with. My family doctor thinks its eczema, but I have my doubts. They start as a filled blister about the size of a pin head (1), then turn into a red dot (2) and then end up as a scaley circle (3) that eventually fades away. Thanks for any input/insight you might have.
Read More
Penis has small cuts
the skin that disappear only to return a few days later. I've tried different first aid, anti bacterial, and skin creams but nothing seems to help. Any suggestions? This discussion is related to Damaged Penis.
Read More
The head of the penis sometimes has reddish spots, and as you noted, the skin drys and peels off
both the
of the penis and the skin covering it. The itching turns to minor pain a week or two later as the skin drys and stretches, almost with very tiny tears. Anyways, as I mentioned, it starts when I take Zyrtec and stops after that.
Read More
About a week ago I noticed something
of my penis, right where the shaft turns into the head. The size is about 1/3rd of a cm wide, and 3/4 of a cm long. The interesting thing is it can be anywhere from exactly the colour of my skin, hardly noticable, to a pitch, opaque white. It really depends.
Read More
I have a redness that has been
my penis
for the past 4 months. The redness is
the ridge of my penis and has been there for 4 months. I notice about once a month it gets inflamed and burns. Eventually the burning goes away from the redness never leaves. There are no blisters or sores. I have gone to 4 or 5 dermatologist and they have given me anti fungal cream and none of it has worked. Can someone help me with this problem?
Read More
I have had this recurring skin condition
one side of the
of my penis for about 3 years now. The skin simply becomes dry and crusty and eventually turns sort of yellow and begins peeling off. The area is about the size of a dime. When I first went to the urologist about 3 years ago, he said it didn't look like anything he was familiar with, but thought it might be something fungal and prescribed clotrimazole and betamethasone dipropionate cream 1%/0.5%.
Read More
Related Links (10)
Eczema pictures on head
Mild eczema pictures skin
Eczema pictures scalp
Eczema pictures eyes
Eczema pictures information
Eczema on my head
Eczema on arms pictures
Eczema pictures on feet
Eczema treatment pictures
Eczema in dogs pictures
Terms of Use
En Español
Report Abuse
Contact Us
Copyright 1994-2018
All rights reserved.
MedHelp is a division of Vitals Consumer Services, LLC.
The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. MedHelp is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. By using this Site you agree to the following
Terms and Conditions
. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.
Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
Full Site
By using this Site you agree to the following
Terms and Conditions
. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.

subset: commoncrawl


text:
Roma director general Franco Baldini has been criticised by Cagliari for demanding that his team be awarded a 3-0 win for Sunday's postponed tie [12] between the two clubs.
The decision was taken to call the game off after Cagliari owner Massimo Cellino invited fans to the match, despite the fact that the Is Arenas has not yet been cleared for use.
"Cagliari understand the principles of Mr Baldini while not agreeing with them," an official note on their website stated.
"That's because he is trying to take advantage of someone else's misfortune. If that was the case, a man of such principles, would be like a vulture.
"Despite Baldini's stance, we know that he doesn't represent the sporting spirit of the Romans, who we remain close friends of."
Roma are expected to be handed a 3-0 win by the sporting judge. Cagliari could also have points docked as an additional penalty.
See the latest Serie A predictions and betting tips with Eurotips.co.uk [13]


text: On Fri, Jul 28, 2006 at 09:00:01PM +0200, Andi Kleen wrote:> On Friday 28 July 2006 20:48, Arjan van de Ven wrote:> > On Fri, 2006-07-28 at 20:45 +0200, Andi Kleen wrote:> > > > +ifdef CONFIG_CC_STACKPROTECTOR> > > > +CFLAGS += $(call cc-ifversion, -lt, 0402, -fno-stack-protector)> > > > +CFLAGS += $(call cc-ifversion, -ge, 0402, -fstack-protector)> > >> > > Why can't you just use the normal call cc-option for this?> >> > this requires gcc 4.2; cc-option is not useful for that.> > The CC option thing is also very ugly.The check is executed once pr. kernel compile - or at least once pr.line. The reson to use cc-ifversion is that we need to check for aspecific gcc version and not just support for a specific argument type.That said - checking for a version is not as reliable as checking if acertain feature is really supported but Arjan suggested testing forversion >= 4.2 should do it.Also we do not have any helpers in kbuild to do so -that could be workedout so we could do something almost as elegant as $(call cc-ifversion ...) Sam-To unsubscribe from this list: send the line "unsubscribe linux-kernel" inthe body of a message to email@example.com majordomo info at http://vger.kernel.org/majordomo-info.htmlPlease read the FAQ at http://www.tux.org/lkml/


text:
Maryland Wine Shipping Laws
Maryland may be small, but its lovely climate means that it boasts several wineries.
Unfortunately, Maryland is one of the most awful states when it comes to wine shipping. In Maryland you cannot ship wines to your home either from in state or out of state! It is in fact a FELONY to ship wines to your house. Can you imagine that receiving a nice bottle of Champagne is considered a felony act?
Wine lovers have been desperately trying to fix this situation. In 2009 they worked on HB 1262 - but of course the wholesaler market lobbied against it. The wholesalers don't want people buying wines they enjoy directly from the winery. They want people to buy the wines from them. However, those wholesalers only stock X number of wines. What happens if a person wants a wine that is not on that list? Too bad!
The 2009 bill was withdrawn. There was not enough support. If you live in Maryland, write REPEATEDLY to your representative and make sure your views are known. People should be able to order in wines that they want to drink. They should not be stuck with what local stores decide are worth selling.
From Paul in MD, in Aug 2009:
"The bills failed this year. We'll try again in 2011, or next year."
There's an entire website dedicated to fixing the laws in Maryland. Visit it here - Marylanders for Better Beer & Wine Laws - support the cause!
Let me know if you have any fresh information about Maryland wine shipping laws! If you have recently had wine shipped in to you here, please let me know how smoothly the experience went. Often the laws say one thing, but FedEx and UPS say another!
Wine Shipping Laws
United States Wineries by State
Wine Regional Information Around the World


text:
Half-off 'amnesty' for old traffic tickets
NEWS-LEDGER — Jan 11, 2012 —
If you have a traffic ticket debt that was due by Jan. 1, 2009, but which you still owe, you may qualify for a 50%-off "traffic amnesty" program now in effect.
— You either failed to appear in court or failed to pay in full.
— The last date you made a payment was on or before January 1, 2009.
— You don't owe restitution to a victim on any case in the county where the traffic case was filed.
— You who have no outstanding misdemeanor or felony warrants in the county where the ticket was issued.
— Other eligibility requirements may vary from county to county.
The California Legislature mandated (Assembly Bill 1358) that all 58 counties implement a one-time amnesty period that allows a lump sum payment of 50 percent of the outstanding balance on certain violations to fully satisfy that court ordered obligation.
Only traffic tickets that were due to be paid before January 1, 2009, are eligible. Parking tickets, driving under the influence (DUI), and reckless driving cases are NOT eligible.
The program ends on June 30.
You can find contact information and other information at the Yolo Superior Court website.
According to the judicial council, the amnesty program would provide relief to individuals who have found themselves in violation of a court-ordered obligation because they are financially unable to pay traffic bail or fines.
It would also bring in revenue at a time when revenue is scarce by encouraging payment of old fines that have remained unpaid, and would allow courts and counties to resolve older delinquent cases and focus limited resources on collecting on more recent cases.
Copyright News-Ledger 2012
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.


text:
Author's Note: Okay. I am Back. Read the final note I have. For now, I have to say…two reviews away from 300…Holy crap…((dies))
Pairings: One more time…I only SPOOF pairings…there are no actual pairings…No yaoi, no het, no NOTHING! I prefer to write het, but I like yaoi pairings. So I hate choosing one over the other. That is why SL will have no pairings. Just spoofing.
Disclaimer: ((glares at the suits who have come to take her away)) You people are idiots…does it just not sink through your heads that I DON'T OWN NARUTO! ((struggles in the straight jacket))
Warning: Be prepared for possible OOCness, weird stuff, and the excessive murder of Mr. Shakespeare.
Shakespeare Lives
By Jia Zhang
Part VI: Bad Things Come In Threes – Part II
Now, being a part of a super evil organization was not all it was cracked up to be. It may seem like a lot of fun for wannabe evildoers of the future, but for Uchiha Itachi, it was not so peachy. At the beginning, when Itachi was just a young lad, he never had a plan to completely eradicate his entire family (save his brother) and betray his village, then become a wanted S class ninja, as well as a major symbol of fangirl squealing. In fact, when Itachi was just an iddy-biddy little baby, he wanted to be a soap star.
(That's right…a soap star…Not porn, not movies, not Primetime television…Soaps…)
Subsequently, Itachi and Sasuke's mother had been a bit of a stage fan, in saying that she liked plays, movies, and the likes a lot. In fact, their mother highly—and when I say highly I mean extremely—enjoyed watching soap operas. This started around the time she became pregnant with Itachi, she'd often watch soaps of tragedy, betrayal, fraud, yada yada, while her husband was out working. And when Itachi was born, sometimes he'd watch those soap operas with his mother.
One thing particularly that stuck out in Itachi's memory was a woman who couldn't choose between two men who were brothers, in which one she had been in love with since she was a child, and the other she thought was her childhood sweetheart whom she had a child with. It was all a very complicated matter. And Itachi always thought the woman was a bit of an idiot…of course you choose your first love! That was what little Itachi thought …such a little romantic he had been…
There was also the occasional evil villain on the soaps, who plotted and schemed, simply to relish in other people's misery through his company and power and wealth. He'd manipulate people into hating or loving each other, and even ended up controlling their minds and corrupting their personality. (Yes…all must hail Days Of Our Lives…leave the author alone. She likes Soaps.)
And you wonder why Itachi turned out the way he did.
Too much watching of soap operas is bad for anyone's sanity.
Now, as I was saying before, when Itachi was an iddy-biddy little baby, he had watched way too much soap operas for his own good, and he ended up wanting to be one of those soap opera actors. Unfortunately for him, there were no such job opportunities in the Village of the Hidden Leaf for such a career, and his father would have gone crazy if he had found out that his prized son wanted to be an actor. Itachi especially wanted to play one of those evil villains on those soaps.
But that plan didn't turn out very well—so instead, he did the closest thing to a soap opera. He killed his clan, leaving only his younger brother alive, knowing that Sasuke would want revenge so badly that he'd dedicate his entire life to killing him.
If this wasn't a soap opera, Itachi didn't know what was!
So now, Uchiha Itachi's life was a living soap opera.
However, even though he had become this evil villain, being an Akatsuki member really was not as glamorous and exciting as it appeared to be. No, it really was not. Firstly, he couldn't kill people randomly—that was against the Akatsuki code, which specifically stated not to kill people randomly, for when they took over the world, they needed people to control. If they had nobody to control, what would be the point of taking over the world? That was stupidity for some evildoers who wanted to take over the world simply to kill everybody. What would be the point of an empty world? Really stupid…
Secondly, Itachi had possibly the worst partner in the world—Sharkman, also known as Kisame. Itachi had been wary of Kisame ever since the first day they met and became partners. The key reason behind this was that Kisame tended to flirt with Itachi quite a bit—after all, who could deny that the older Uchiha sibling was a hunk of burnin' love. He was not only irresistible to women, but…you get the idea. If good looking was cream, then Itachi was a bucket of lard.
Lastly, the final cruel detail behind the not-so-wonderful life of being part of an evil organization was the…paperwork. There was always lots and lots and lots of paperwork to do.
Now you may think it's bizarre that an evil organization like the Akatsuki would have to have a lot of paperwork to do. But do you know how many things the Akatsuki have to do?
For one, there are the papers for their hideout. Yep, every evil organization has a hideout, care of Evil Doers Co., who provides the spiffy locations for the said evildoers, whether it is underground or creating a village (for example, Hidden Sound. Orochimaru paid a huge sum to create that village, like Mr. Trump wasting-money huge). There are lots of payments to be paid to Evil Doers Co., who have a very tight contract and a very scary union, who will come after you with some of the most terrifying torture imaginable if you don't meet the payments. The said torture…take the word Barney, plus Care bears, add in the word bondage…there you go…
There is also the Akatsuki business. How do you think evil organizations get their money from? Donations? Nooo…Evil villains don't have a donations fund (but they welcome anyone who wishes to create one). They have to work to get their cash, otherwise how would they pay off their debts on uniforms, weapons, and such. Most of the paperwork is for the Aka no Tsuki restaurant chain, which is a very popular Japanese grill. They have thousands of employees to pay. There is also paperwork to open new restaurants, to handle customer complaints, to make sure all the utility and electric bills are paid, and for the supplies to be bought. There is also a huge amount of accounting work to do…net income, net loss, gross profit…etc, etc, etc…
In fact, Itachi feels more like an accountant than an S class ninja who massacred his entire family. It sometimes made him wonder why he didn't become an accountant in the first place…
The Akatsuki also have a very successful assassination business (which was slightly a given), but that never comes through as well as their restaurant, which makes about ten times the profit as their assassination company, Red Moon Assassinations Ltd. Apparently, people preferred a family dining
environment with good food to assassinations of powerful moguls. But that in itself is also littered with paper work…accepting clients, the fees charged, information on the targets, travel money…and so forth.
All in all, it was not fun being an evil villain. Especially for Itachi, who dreamed of soap opera stardom but instead got hard labour of calculating the profits of the Akatsuki as their slave accountant. (No bondage involved.)
(But hey, the Akatsuki had a good workers insurance—dental, optical, and whatnot. And Itachi suffers a lot of optical problems…he once thought he saw a purple dinosaur walk across the street in a pink tutu, then Kisame having a very large moustache like Hercule Poirot. Having the Mangekyou Sharingan comes with a price.)
So Itachi was very happy to get an assignment of scouting out the current condition of his former village (and to write up those reports…more paperwork). He was also intrigued by the arrival of the new Hokage, Tsunade, and her rather devious plan of getting the town to perform a Shakespearean play in order to boost village morals.
Itachi was also interested to find his beloved younger brother, Sasuke, in the lead role as Romeo. Sure he was a little jealous of the fact that his younger sibling had gotten such a good role to act—it made him slightly regret betraying his village (since Romeo and Juliet would be the closet thing Itachi would ever get to soap opera stardom). Only a little. But what Itachi found was even more interesting was the person acting opposite of Sasuke. The said Uzumaki Naruto, holder of the Vulpix…I mean Nine-Tails demon. Hey, no one can deny that the Kyuubi looks like a Pokemon…A rather scary looking Pokemon, nonetheless…
So here was Itachi (with Sharkman), standing on top of a rooftop in Konoha, looking down at the scene before him. If it weren't for the fact that Itachi had to keep his composure and act like the stoic, monochrome, evil genius everyone thought him to be, he would be laughing his head off like a crazy weasel that got his hands on marijuana.
Instead, all he could do was smirk as he heard random shouts of profanity coming from Naruto as Shino attempted to coax him into wearing a strawberry pink and red renaissance dress that was supposed to be his costume as Juliet.
For Sharkman, he couldn't help but sweat-drop as he watched the expression on Itachi's face. "Uh…Itachi-sama…Maybe we should get those reports now?"
Sharkman didn't like an Itachi that had a smirk and seemed actually cheery instead of his "I'm so evil and badass" persona. Kisame liked an Itachi who was all monotonous and had a tendency to beat him over the head with a large mallet (whenever he tried to cuddle or give him chocolates and flowers for Valentine's Day). Sure, he's gotten a lot of abuse and painful bone shattering experiences, but it was all worth it. Love was a difficult thing, after all. You had to work at it…ignore that comment, what I meant to say was that a scary Itachi was always better than a cheery Itachi, who was much, much, much scarier than a scary Itachi…
"Not now, Kisame. Don't you see I'm busy?"
"Yes…why are you watching these people…?"
"I've done too much paperwork for the last couple of months, so I deserve a little relaxation and watch this. Besides, don't you think it's rather adorable seeing my otouto in tights?"
Sweat-drop. Kisame didn't like to admit it, but Itachi had a bit of a brother complex. It was always Sasuke-this, Sasuke-that. Sometimes it made Sharkman a little jealous. "But-but…"
"Shush. I'll let you touch my hair if you be quiet."
"Fine…We can cuddle tonight."
Kisame was afraid of the dark. That was it. Nothing else. Don't even go there…
The author pauses for a moment, reads over what she just wrote, then gets up from her chair, walks towards the nearest wall and repeatedly beats her head against it.
"Stop that, you baka, and get back to work," said the evil muse.
The cruel beta looks up from her book, Lolita. "Yeah…do your work. Don't make me rip your arms off."
"Hai…" replied the weak willed slave author as she goes back to typing.
Meanwhile, in his home, Shino was lying peacefully on his bed, a warm towel over his head. He had a major—the size of the continent of Australia—type of headache. The bug shinobi felt as if his skull was going to crack open with all the stress he has with this play. Well, at least he was better than Iruka, who seemed to have taken to Tylenol as his life companion. Things couldn't possibly get any worse, at least Shino hoped they wouldn't.
The rehearsals were an absolute disaster. They were now into the stages of putting the acts together, but it was simply not going as planned. The actors were uncooperative (for example Naruto, who's period seems to have gotten really bad and he was now really pissed off, moody, and bitchy, and was now starting to act rather Tenten-ish), they did not get along well (for example Anko, who Genma had informed was plotting to murder Gai in six thousand different ways, all more painful than the next), some had horrible memorization skills (for example, Kiba, who couldn't pronounce half the words in the play without the help of either Shino or Akamaru. That's right, the puppy), and the stage kept getting destroyed (the ANBU were really pissed at having to build the thing over and over again. They were tempted to go on strike and ask for better treatment)! It was complete, utter, total chaos!
And you expect Shino to stay sane through all of this!? What are you, insane?
C'mon! Just because the man has had bugs running around his body since he was an iddy biddy little baby doesn't mean he could deal with all of this! Things couldn't possibly get worse, and that was Shino's private ray of hope.
Unfortunately for him, it was squashed way too soon.
Knock, knock, knock.
"Shiiiiiino!" called his mother. "A friend of yours is here to see you!"
"Yes, mother…" sighed Shino as he trekked downstairs. Shino blinked a couple of times as he laid eyes on the person in his house. "Hinata…what are you doing here? At this time of night?"
The white-eyed girl poked her fingers together shyly, a worried and anxious look on her face. "Anno…well, Shino-kun…anno…by any chance have you seen Neji-niisan or Tenten-chan?"
"No…not since Tenten was rampaging around hunting for Neji…" replied Shino, remembering the memory of a kunai waving kunoichi with a pair of pink tights in her hands running after the Hyuuga. He twitched unconsciously. He suddenly felt very, very, very glad Hinata was on his team, and that Tenten was not. No matter how strong and independent Tenten was, she was just too damn scary! "Why?"
"Well…anno…you see, f-father w-wanted to speak to N-Neji-niisan about the t-training schedule since h-he was doing this p-play," spoke Hinata, "and well…" Hinata suddenly felt like sweat-dropping, for his father found Neji and Hinata being in this play to be hilariously funny, to the point where the prominent Hyuuga had to hide in his room before rolling on the floor laughing. He was even willing to lessen their training schedule for this whole she-bang.
Another thing was that Hinata really didn't know how Shino was going to take this news.
Speaking of Neji and Tenten…
"LOUSY DOOR!" A trillion shurikens attacked the new door made by the ANBU for the sound/lighting studio of the stage, may for superior function and protection! Fortunately for them, it was unbreakable, so they wouldn't have to rebuild it again since people kept destroying it. Unfortunately for Tenten and Neji, they were now stuck. Together. In a sound proofed room.
Oh boy…
"LOUSY DOOR!" shouted Tenten once more as she plummeted a trillion more shurikens and kunais at the door. But nothing. The brown haired girl sighed depressingly as she sank to the floor in defeat. "Damn door…why won't it break down?" She sighed depressingly once more before getting up from the ground to collect the two trillion kunais and shurikens.
"The ANBU must have reinforced it with some kind of jutsu so that it wouldn't be broken so easily…again…" suggested Neji.
"Damn ANBU," cursed the bun-headed girl.
"Didn't you want to be an ANBU?"
Twitch, twitch.
"I said I wanted the ANBU, meaning I wished to own them, like how a millionaire owns a football team. I want them to do my bidding. It didn't mean I wanted to join the ANBU. I'm sorry, but those masks really creep me out."
I need to get one of those ANBU masks, thought Neji suddenly.
"Your bidding…?"
"That's right, my bidding. You know, washing my laundry, making me breakfast, tormenting you, saving me from Gai-sensei and Lee, tormenting you some more, pick up all my weapons, torment you, take over the world…"
"Okay, okay…I get the point." Neji sighed. Crazy, crazy woman…
"So how are we supposed to get out? We've tried everything—crying, shouting, attacking…Nothing works! What is this door made of anyways?" questioned Tenten as she looked around the space.
"Do you really want to know what lengths the ANBU went to make a door that either or both of us couldn't break?"
Now Tenten was curious…what could the ANBU have done to make the door unbreakable? Especially by her, the weapons master, of all people.
"Hn…now I am curious."
This is where Tenten's horrible imagination kicked in…maybe it was made of Adamantium, she thought…no, wrong universe. What Tenten and Neji were unaware of was the lengths and time the ANBU went to in order to create the most indestructible and soundproof material in all the known universe! HAHAHAHAHA!
Titanium marshmallow alloy!
That's right! Steel marshmallows. No, I am quiet all right, and am not losing my mind. The ANBU had discovered in their laboratory that marshmallows, a very soft substance, was great at sound proofing…and when the compounds of marshmallow was mixed with titanium, well not even the human Armageddon with weapons, Tenten, was able to break it down. The ANBU had spent nights preparing this material…several days of no sleep, no good food (you couldn't eat beans every day!), no showers, no breaks, no coffee, and did I mention no sleep? But they had finally produced something great! A substance none of these crazed-psychotic ninja wannabe actors could destroy with their insanity…
Of course, it did not occur to any of them how useful this material would be in protecting Konoha from a said hermaphrodite lunatic snake-thingy…and his nerd/slave/fan boy…
But marshmallows aside, the current problem that plagued Tenten and Neji was the room. The freaking room in which they were both stuck in…and where now starting to feel a little claustrophobic…
"Sorry…" said Neji. "I haven't had anything to eat yet…"
Tenten sweat-dropped. "Great. We're stuck in a room that is unbreakable, small, and we have no food…and it's sound proofed!"
Ping! The light bulb lit up…
Tenten smiled rather mischievously all of a sudden as many, many, ingenious and twisted ideas rampaged around her brain.
"It's sound proofed…Hehehe…"
Neji gulped. He was suddenly very scared for his life.
Back at Shino's place…Hinata was trying to, well, save a life.
"S-Shino-kun!" she shouted timidly as she rushed to the bug-boy's side. Apparently, the shock of Hinata's news on the disappearance of his very loud and commanding partner in crime, who saved much of whatever sanity he had left with her insane antics and crazy overwhelming scariness had given Shino too much of a shock. He currently lay motionless on the floor, his mouth partially opening and closing every few moments. "Sh-Shino-kun…are you all right?"
"A-a-a-a-are you all right, Sh-Shino-kun?"
Glumly, Shino sat up slightly, with Hinata's assistance of course. The poor Aburame heir looked absolutely devastated, a rather blank and hopeless look on his face. Shino just couldn't believe that this was happening! What could have happened to Neji and Tenten! (Though part of him did not want to know the answer to that question) As much as Tenten stressed him, frustrated him, annoyed him, and ultimately, scarred him, he needed her demanding, evil, and rather loud and forceful personality to get all the actors to actually attempt to cooperate with each other. Besides! If he had to suffer through this horrible ordeal, she had to suffer it out with him! They were kindred spirits in a sense that they were both just not normal…
"How could this have happened?" muttered Shino as he stared at his hands, that were trembling slightly either due to being tickled by his bugs, or the unfortunate thought of having to deal with all those actors alone, by himself, tomorrow. It was too frightening! More frightening than Tenten even!
But what could Shino do?
"We must organize a search party!" cried the Aburame heir suddenly, slamming his fist into his palm in sheer determination as a 'ping!' glint reflected off of his shades. "We need to round up all the people we can in order to find those two! If I have to suffer through this insidious act of torment, then Tenten must suffer as well…er…I mean who knows what could have happened to them! For all we know, Orochimaru could have kidnapped them! So we must find them!"
So on they went…to start the search party to find Tenten and Neji.
Somewhere in Konoha, Iruka suddenly got a really bad feeling. Bad things come in threes, and they were going to be hit with bad thing number three! Big time…and in many, many different forms…
In the darkness of the night, Genma and Kurenai leaped from rooftop to rooftop, searching. The dark haired Jounin suddenly stopped on one particular rooftop, waiting for his crimson-eyed counterpart. "Oi! Kurenai! Hurry up will you! We need to find her before she does anything that's…you know."
"Sorry, sorry…I thought I saw her a while ago," said Kurenai as she landed on the rooftop. "Have you seen her?"
"Yeah, I think she went that way," replied the Jounin pointing in a random direction. Genma sighed deeply. "I knew we should have requested to bring along a straight-jacket. I knew it."
"Like you could possibly get Anko into a straight-jacket," smirked Kurenai, "when she's like that."
By that, Kurenai had meant that Anko had finally flipped her lid, and lost whatever sanity she had ever possessed—which was already low to begin with, by the way. Now she was acting like a deranged person, more than usual of course. If Anko were her normal deranged self, it wouldn't be such a drama. Normal meant that she was shouting random profanity, while threatening people left and right, as well as mumbling ways to murder Maito Gai. However, Anko was now at the point where she was completely paranoid and delusional. It took a lot of people to keep her from murdering Gai—of course, Gai had no realization for Anko's hatred. He thought it was love! So now, Kurenai and Genma were searching all around Konoha for their fellow Jounin, to stop her from whatever she was planning to do.
Meanwhile, Anko was planning to initiate Plan A of her "TO KILL MAITO GAI PLAN", which is the first version of a long list of attempts on Gai's life. The dark haired Jounin had not slept for days, paranoid and dreaming of Gai serenading her in a large pink and yellow tutu. She had severe dark circles under her eyes, and she had been living off of coffee for a while now. Orochimaru would be proud if he saw Anko now, plotting ways of deadly murder without a care at all.
She was currently setting up her first trap to kill Gai. It was, in fact, a very large, gigantic, enormous, stupendous…a very, very large bear trap. Like HUGE, like Great Wall of China huge! The ninja worked very hard to hold the trap in place, whilst putting several layers of soil over it to cover the gigantic spikes. Anko had purchased this trap to be especially painful, with lots of rusting pointy points that seemed like her teeth currently, which she was grinding away as she layered the last layer of soil over the trap.
"Hahahahahaha!" she laughed evilly and rather hysterically, looking both crazy and disturbed. "At last! I have finally completely the doomsday devise—I mean, the TO KILL GAI TRAP!! This trap, when sprung will rip him into tiny pieces and I can then make him into ramen and feed him to that stupid Aburame kid who caused all of this in the first place!" Yes…Anko had switched from turning Naruto into ramen to chopping up Gai into ramen. "At last I shall have peace!" she cried as tears sprung from her eyes.
She gently placed a "I Love Gai" chocolate shaped like a heart in the center of the trap, careful not to tip it off. She also made sure she didn't tip off the trap, seeing as it was very sensitive. Now all she had to do was wait for Gai to come, and then SNAP! He's dead like a squishy pulpy sandwich! And at last will Anko be free of that psycho bad-fashion ignoramus.
"Finally! I will at last be free of the psycho ignoramus with bad fashion!" shouted Anko in a crazy sort of glee as she hid behind a bush. "It will only be a matter of time now…"
"DAMMIT! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT LOUSY XXXXXXXX WHEN I WANT TO SEE HIM!" shouted Anko, her eyes red and nearly bulging out of their sockets. "Stupid Gai…damn bastard…FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS DANGO! COME ALREADY!"
And finally, Anko's wish was answered.
Strolling into the street, Maito Gai approached Anko's trap. The female Jounin looked on excitedly, anticipating that wondrous moment when he would be crushed by the gigantic trap. This was the climax! No…not that kind of climax…get your mind out of the gutter! Anko had waited so long, and finally she was going to get her just desserts, by giving Gai his just desserts.
However, Gai, completely oblivious to the present on the floor, skipped past the trap, while humming some makeshift song on the lines of "Anko, Anko, Anko, my wonderful little Anko…Anko, Anko, Anko, my beautiful future bride-oh!" It sounded oddly like "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel!". He jumped past the gift, skipped past the trap, and went right by a very shocked Anko, who's jaw just dropped to the floor, her eyes wide and bulging out of their sockets. Thus, it was by pure chanced that Maito Gai lived to see another day…to annoy Anko another day! Ah, bliss…
The poor Jounin nearly sobbed her eyes out as Gai disappeared from view.
"How!" she cried. "How the hell out this have happened!? What the XXXX did I do wrong!?"
Just as Anko had begun to slam her head into a nearby tree, Kakashi appeared, whilst reading his Icha Icha Paradise, a blush and a smile on his face. It was the latest edition, where the hero Mosuke and Kaori were…well, they were doing something that was explained in a previous chapter of this story by a said Machiavellian weapons master. Anyways, while reading his perverted book, Kakashi looked down to see a gigantic chocolate heart, which said the words "From Anko to Gai". Now, Kakashi wasn't the type to steal food like a certain pupil of his…but that was really good Belgian chocolate! Stopping, he bent down and picked up the chocolate…Gai wouldn't miss it, he was sure. And just as he did, the trap sprung, and broke apart…and…
Ripped all of Kakashi's clothes off in the process…well, with the exception of the mask.
Anko stared in wide eye wonder at Kakashi's, ahem, very toned, very muscular, very beautiful, and very nude body. The end result was a nosebleed.
"Damn…" sighed the silver haired Jounin. "Jiraiya was right—never pick up random food from the ground."
As Anko held a tissue to her nose and forced herself to leave the scene of her crime, she was suddenly very glad that the trap did not work on Gai. Since, by Kakashi's example, it would have ripped off all of Gai's clothes instead of killing him…and that would have been a really bad thing. She shuddered in fear—a nude Gai was not a happy image. Instead, she got a nude Kakashi, which wasn't too bad in itself. I mean, sure, the trapped failed, but what woman wouldn't like to see a nude Kakashi? Now at least Anko knew how to fix her plan.
It was time to initiate Plan B of her "TO KILL MAITO GAI PLAN".
"Mwuahahahahahaha!" she laughed evilishly in an Orochimaru style as she held the Kleenex to her nose.
Kakashi stared after in her curiousity, wondering if he should go find some clothes to put on…
"Why the hell are we doing this!?" shouted an angry Naruto as he walked down the streets of Konoha with Sasuke, in an attempt to search for two lost bodies—these bodies, of course, were Neji and Tenten, now officially missing for a total of 4 hours. Shino, who was desperate and irritated, gathered (nearly) the entire cast of Romeo and Juliet to search for the two missing…victims. Shino had some ideas of what may have happened to the two—for example, Tenten may have finally cracked and kidnapped Neji for evil purposes…most of which Shino did NOT want to think about.
And this is essentially what led Naruto and Sasuke on their search for a bun-headed girl and her white-eyed…slave…boy?
"I don't get why the hell we have to do this!?" ranted Naruto—finally back to boy-form. "I mean, those two could be having some hanky panky, and we're all just interrupting, besides, what if it's nothing at all, and they're just eating dinner somewhere, and, and…"
Sasuke twitched involuntarily.
Sure, Naruto was back to being a boy, but for some odd and unexplainable reason, he was still in fem-mode. He talked even more than he usually did, was louder, more annoying, and tended to ramble on forever. This was annoying the hell out of Sasuke, who felt as if he were having another Sakura around—and fem-Naruto was so much worse than Sakura, oddly enough.
"Naruto…" he spoke threateningly.
"…and of course, Shino is just being paranoid. You know, I think he may have a crush on Tenten. But that's kinda weird, since I always thought he liked Hinata. I can understand why; Hinata can be quite sweet, but she is freakishly quiet, but I guess being joint-at-the-hip with Kiba may balance that out, and did you notice how Tenten is allergic to Akamaru? It's quite funny! I saw her attempting to kill it the other day…poor thing, I dunno why Tenten doesn't use allergy medicine…I mean, I'm allergic to Miso—bet you didn't know that, did you—and I take allergy medicine, otherwise how would I eat Miso ramen! And boy, does Ichiraku have the best Miso ramen…I asked Sensei and nee-chan how they made it so good, but he says it's a family secret, but I don't think I could make ramen that well anyways…"
"…and beef ramen is really good too! All that meaty taste, yum! Boy, I wish I knew how to cook! I would make myself beef ramen everyday! I heard from Neji that Lee actually cooks really well! Supposedly, he learnt it from Gai-sensei…even though Tenten hates their cooking. Neji tells me that Lee makes really good Tempura…but he prefers Tenten's dumplings. She has a family recipe too! I asked Neji the other day how he uses Byakuugan, and he told me all the history about it! It was really cool! I never knew that the Sharigan was the mutant baby of the Byakuugan!"
"…But that's makes everything explainable, since you and Neji act a lot alike…I mean, you're both uber-quiet, and way too scary sometimes, and you both have dark hair…and weird eyes…and both of you have family issues…and and! Hey! Maybe you're like twins or something! That'd be cool! And you both have weird fashion sense, too! What's with the black and white? Yeesh! How unoriginal! Now orange is the way to go! But they also said that purple is the new orange, so I was thinking about getting myself a purple jumpsuit, what do ya think? Personally, I don't think purple is my colour…but the lady I visited at the store said I looked quite fetching in it…"
The blonde turned at the sound of his friend's loud banshee shriek. Sasuke glared at him, with spirally red eyes flashing like glowing stoplights. Naruto stopped immediately, like all good cars…The Uchiha's Mangekyou Sharingan…wait…he never got that, did he? Well…Sasuke's Sharingan whirled as he puffed angrily, his face bright like a cheery tomato, which is odd because Sasuke hates tomatoes. His mother fed him too many tomatoes when he was a child, because she thought it was good for his health, so dear Sasuke became traumatized for life when it comes to tomatoes…
Now the author is completely off topic…
"Yes…?" spoke the blonde curiously.
"For. The. Love. Of. God." Twitch, twitch, vein pop, burst! "Shut. The. Hell. Up. FOREVER!!"
"Geez! You don't have to be so sensitive! I was just making conversation!"
"Well, stop it!" shouted the ebony haired attempted-traitor whiny boy. "It's annoying the hell out of me!" Sasuke waved his hands in the air frustratingly uncharacteristically. "I thought nobody could be worse than Ino and Sakura…but you are! God! You're like the two of them stuff together into a F--ing package! For once in your life, shut up! And stop ranting on about Neji! I'm already looking for him and Tenten, I don't need to hear more about him!"
"No, buts! Stop doing the Hinata thing! It's ticking me off!"
"Wow…that was quite Tenten-ish of you…"
Sasuke glared at him hatefully, the twirling red windmills in his eyes moving very rapidly. "Say that again, Naruto…and you will never see the day you become Hokage."
"Hah, so you admit it! I will become Hokage! HA!" The blonde ball of orange jumpsuit bounced beside the dark-haired sissy-boy happily. "Looky, looky, the mighty Uchiha admitted that I, Uzumaki Naruto, will become Hokage! Ha, ha, ha!"
The younger Uchiha sibling slapped his hand to his head. He wondered if Iruka-sensei had any more pills that he could use. Apparently, the reserved teacher had become an aspirin dealer…and user…and Sasuke was having the worst headache of his life. Yes! Even worse than when a certain damned weasel destroyed a certain family…
"And why shouldn't I talk about Neji! He's cool!"
Twitch, twitch, vein pop…burst…
"Neji…is not cool…"
"He is!"
"No…he is not…"
"But the see-through-stuff thing that he does with his eyes is really cool! I mean, you can't even see through walls! All you can do is see people move! That's not cool! Neji is cool!"
"Hyuuga Neji is not cool!"
"Nah-un! He is!" retorted the blonde.
Sasuke growled irritatingly. He suddenly wanted to kill Hyuuga Neji, but knew it would danger his own life if Tenten ever found out. And he couldn't let that happen, no, no! Uchiha Sasuke had to live, in order to destroy his brother in some painfully grotesque way that would not imply Uchihacest (since he must go forth and multiply, like the good book says…which, in all other sense, does imply incest in some twisted manner). No…Sasuke had to kill Itachi, like seriously kill him dead. Some would say that Sasuke had a Itachi-complex, and that was completely true, since Itachi had a Sasuke-complex as well…so it balanced out.
As Sasuke was walking down the street, looking for Neji and his romp buddy Tenten, while Naruto was talking a trillion miles per hour…he heard it. A giggle. A stifled, quiet, almost non-existent giggle. Sasuke stopped in his tracks, his eyes fixed onto nothing as if he were done up on dope. He focused his ears to listen carefully to the giggle. So quietly and softly did Sasuke listen to the giggle.
"SASUKE!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" shouted Naruto quite randomly in the ebony-haired pansy-boy's ears. And suddenly, Sasuke was deaf.
"I heard it…" said the dazed and doped-up Sasuke. "I heard it…I heard it…"
Naruto blinked at him curiously confused, his eyebrow raised. "What did you hear?"
"I heard it…I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it…"
"Err…yes…umm…I got that part…What did you hear, Sasuke?"
So suddenly that Sasuke turned to him made Naruto jump. His eyes were wide and wild, the damn bloody red windmills spinning about like crazy (more so than usual, of course, since Sasuke-kun was crazy already). There was this evil gleam of realization on Sasuke's face; his visage became even paler (if that was possible), and he seemed frozen and more rocklike than usual (if that was possible). His mouth opened and closed like a goldfish out of water, and he was staring at Naruto as if Naruto was…
Naruto was so surprised that he jumped away from the ebony-haired pretty-boy.
"W-w-w-w-what? Itachi? Where?"
Now Naruto had become quiet frightened of Itachi. Well, one clear obvious reason was because Itachi was part of the Akatsuki, and who knows what the hell they wanted Naruto for. Maybe they wanted his power? Nah…they were all powerful enough. Besides, seven…grown men wanting to kidnap a little 12 year-old boy was just not normal. I don't care WHAT people say about the Kyuubi, it's just wrong. And Naruto always thought Itachi had a weird femmy feel to him. After all, he was quite handsome (even Naruto had to admit that…damn! All the Uchiha men were pretty boys!), and his hair was tied into a long ponytail, and he wore nail polish, and he had rings on, and he wore a fishnet shirt! For god's sakes, what straight male wears fishnet? The author dares you to find one…So, all in all, Naruto was quite scared that he would be molested by the older Uchiha…
Now back to Sasuke…
"I heard him…I absolutely heard him. It was Itachi…"
"But…how? I didn't hear anything…"
"Well, you don't exactly have Itachi-dar, now do you?"
"Yes, that's true…but still…"
"I heard him, I absolutely heard him. He was…giggling…"
Naruto chocked his head to the side. "He was what?"
But Sasuke did not answer. He just continued on, glaring at nothing. A tumbleweed blew across a random field. The author took a sip of vodka.
"ITACHI, YOU MURDERING BROTHER-ASSHOLE RAPID WEASEL! I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE!!" shouted Sasuke as he randomly pointed around. "I HEARD YOU! I ABSOLUTEY HEARD YOU! YOU WERE LAUGHING AT ME! WELL, YOU WOULD BE LIKE THIS TOO IF I WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED OUR FAMILY AND WENT ALL CRAZY AND STUFF! AND YOU WOULD BE JUST AS INSANE AS I AM IF YOU HAD TO HAVE A BLONDE GENDER-BENDING DITZ AS A FRIEND AND A PINK-HAIRED FANGIRL AS A TEAMMATE!"
Sasuke huffed, and puffed, and blew done everything. Well, actually, he blew done nothing. He was now just really tiered. Naruto looked at him, his eyes…well…there was only one description for his eyes. Zeros. 00. Two big zeros.
Sasuke never acted this way. Sasuke was always calm, monotone, boring like a piece of firewood, who had the libido of a rock. Yep, thought Naruto, he has finally cracked his brains. The brother-complex thingy has finally unhinged Sasuke to the edge of infinity. He was now hearing things…what next? Seeing things? Probably…most likely…definitely…
"It's all right," said the blonde, patting his friend on the back and leading him away from the scene. "It's all right…big bad Itachi isn't around, so let's go get you a nice glass of milk."
"I want chocolate milk…"
"Sure, sure…whatever you want…"
For once in his life, Naruto was being mature…in a moment where Sasuke was not.
And yes…the author is totally on crack…
"Wow…How did he sense you?"
"I mean, you were so quiet…"
"And he was so far away…"
"And that blonde fox-boy was talking like a train…"
"Okay…that is really freaking me out now."
Meanwhile…in a random soundproofed room on a random stage in a random village called Konoha, a random Machiavellian weapons master was being evil to a random young man who had a rare bloodline. What were they doing quite randomly you ask?
"All right…" said Tenten, her face rather red. She was breathing heavily. Almost as if she had done a marathon for the last hour. "Now that I have sung Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star five hundred times while doing the Hokey-Pokey with my eyes crossed, it's your turn Neji. Truth or dare?"
"You know you want to…"
Tenten thought for a moment. An evil smile came over her face.
"If you had to marry the following people, who would it be? Sakura, Ino, Chouji, Sasuke, Shino, Lee, or Naruto? And please…give me the reason…"
Tenten smiled innocently.
"I hate you…"
"Come on, out with it. So who would it be?"
"Woooooooooooo…Why? I thought you'd choose Sasuke for sure, since you two are like a match-made in deranged bloodline heaven. And he's quite smexy too. And your kids would be some freaky assed ninjas. And what about Shino? He and I are kindred souls!"
Twitch, twitch. Jealous levels rising.
"So why Naruto?"
"'Cause at least I can stand him and would not kill him…The rest…are unbearable."
Tenten blinked curiously. "How so? And do share."
The white-eyed teen glared at his teammate hateful. "One, Sakura and Ino are too obsessed with Uchiha, and I feel bad enough for him already, so I certainly do not want to be in his position. Two, Chouji…is…(cough)…too…Never mind, it just would not work between us. Three, Uchiha and I would kill each other within a 10 foot radius. The Shino bug thing is just…way too creepy. Lee is like Gai-sensei, so I shouldn't even have to answer that question…thus, leaving only Naruto. Despite being quite annoying, Naruto is still better than the rest of them."
The bun-headed girl gazed at him in quiet awe. "Wow…you actually make sense…"
"I know…it's scary…"
"So between me and Naruto, who would it be?"
"…Look…Tenten…there's a butterfly…"
"Butterfly! Where?!"
And thus Tenten went chasing after a butterfly…and Neji was saved for a moment. Thank God that Tenten had the attention span of chipmunk.
In another part of the city, Anko was planning to initiate Plan B of her "TO KILL MAITO GAI PLAN". The Jounin busied herself, working on the complex method that would ultimately destroy Gai—which she named "Gai no Death Jutsu". Yes…Anko had come up with a jutsu just to kill Gai. Unfortunately, like the ANBU and their steel marshmallow thingy, Anko did not realize how the jutsu could help defeat the Oro-snake hermaphrodite thingy. The Jutsu entailed a painful method of death by fluffy bunnies. Once again, the author is quite sane.
Here is how the jutsu worked: the victim (in our case, Gai) would see an injured rabbit on the floor. Anyone but anyone would stop at the site of an injured bunny because it was so cute and you just had to help cute things because they're just too cute! (Insert random fangirly squeal) Thus, when the said victim (Gai) went to help the bunny, it would multiple into several evil bunnies of the apocalypse that would tear its victim (Gai) into pieces of carrot peely fluffy things of randomness.
"Finally! With this jutsu (that I hoped I wouldn't have to use because I have yet perfected it), I will finally be rid of that annoying tango-dancing, sombrero-wearing pansy!" shouted the woman gleefully. "And finally! Finally I would have my peace, and Konoha will be finally rid of that annoying evil man!" (And no, she did not mean Orochimaru, and Anko absolutely did not consider how good a shinobi Gai actually was…why should she care!? Her sanity had been dwindled into pieces of fluff…)
And so, behind a bush did Anko hide, to wait for her insufferable green pantsuit wearing, bowl-haired and ping-ing Maito Gai.
"Where is he!?" shouted Anko painfully as she waited behind the bush. It had now become a really weird pattern. Apparently, Gai had an unknown power of keeping himself from Anko's evil schemes. Or maybe it's just the act of an insane writer who pretends she is sane, who thoroughly enjoys seeing Anko in torment. Anko had now just about given up, when suddenly, out came trotting along, bouncing like a gigantic green pepper in that suit of his…which left nothing to the imagination. Not good. Not good. Trauma…You don't WANT to imagine a nekkid Gai. That's just…ew…
Anyways, so Gai came trotting along, skipping gleefully up to the trap in which Anko had set up for him. The Jounin smiled evilly as she watched Gai approach the adorably white bunny, who injured and lying on the ground motionless. "Yes!" whispered Anko. "Finally! Finally I shall have my revenge on that damn annoying green-pantsuit-sombrero-wearing pansy! He foiled my first plan, but ha! I will succeed this time! (Though it was quite nice to see Kakashi in the nude.)" And so, our most beloved dango-eating-Naruto-ish ninja gazed on with a psychotic gleam in her eyes.
Unfortunately, things did not work out…exactly as Anko planned.
So Gai approached the trap, skipping and jumping, and then…he saw the bunny. Anko anticipated the exiting moment where the cute adorable bunny would turn into a murderous piranha-bunny of the apocalypse and chew Gai into pieces of carrot peel. Yet, instead of helping the bunny, this was Gai's reaction…
Yes…he shrieked, and let me emphasize the worked shrieked, like a little girl at the site of the cute, adorable injured bunny. There's something incredibly wrong with that, but apparently, Gai was Rabbitophobic (is that a real phobia? Not possible. Rabbits are too cute)…and Anko watched in utter shock and amazement, her jaw kissing the ground, as Gai shrieked in fear at the rabbit, before running away at a speed that would have shamed the Road Runner. And poor Anko was left to wonder…
Apparently, a beloved nut such as Gai.
Now, the author will go off on a tangent for a moment to tell you the tale of why our Gai is so Rabbitophobic. One day, a long time ago, when Gai was just an iddy-biddy little annoying green, bowl-headed speck (a position which Lee has kindly replaced) amongst a speck of other annoying little brats (a position kindly replaced by Tenten, Naruto, Sakura, Ino, et cetera), he had a very horrible encounter with a rabbit.
One day, in which a certain late-Uchiha had decided to be evil (hmmm…do we see a family pattern here?), he put a bunny inside one of Gai's many, many, many tights. Originally, they actually had been a nice shade of fluorescent mauve, so you wonder how he evolved to green. Anyways, so the certain late-Uchiha hid the bunny inside the pantsuit, hoping to make a good joke about it later. However, when Gai wore the jumpsuit later, the bunny did not respond well. In other words, it decided that Gai would make a very nice piece of carrot. I'll leave the rest to your imagination as to which body part the rabbit thought was a carrot. And thus, that is the tale of how Gai became mortally afraid of bunnies.
Anyways, as Anko was randomly cursing at Gai's utter stupidity, and at the fact that her plans had been foiled again (which is surprising to Anko, as that Gai is not the smartest lime in the fruit basket), Kakashi came strolling along, straightening the new uniform he had just purchased (for 20000 yen; Tsunade was not only cheap, but also ripped people off). Suddenly, Kakashi noticed the adorable injured bunny on the ground.
"Awww…the poor little thing," spoke the Jounin, who had a soft spot for adorable cute things. Thus, being the kind, wonderfully handsome (and perverted) ninja we all love Kakashi for (and the author is not biased in ANY WAY, might I add), he went to help the bunny. What ensued, of course, before Anko's eyes was her beloved scheme working…on Kakashi…again. The adorably cute white rabbit turned into a multiple number of murderous piranha-rabbits of the apocalypse; yet, because the jutsu wasn't perfected, instead of killing Kakashi…they turned his new uniform into shredded peely thingies of doomness. And there, stood before Anko, once again, was a very nude Kakashi.
With his mask on. Damn.
Holding the tissue to her bleeding nose, Anko walked away from the scene, leaving a nude Kakashi to wonder why does this keep happening to him.
"Dammit," spoke the female Jounin. "Foiled again by that infernal, green-pantsuit-sombrero-wearing-rabbit-fearing pansy-pants. How does that idiot do it!? Does he have some Death-dar that prevents him from suffering!?" Anko whipped the blood from her nose as she thought of the results of her foiled plans. "Well…I guess I don't have too much to complain. But no! No amount of nude Kakashi will save me from that annoying green olive tree! I will get him! I promise! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
And thus, Anko initiated Plan C of her "TO KILL MAITO GAI PLAN". Shall it be foiled again? Here's hoping to more nude Kakashi!
Since the author feels like she's neglecting other characters, she will now tell you the tragedy of Chouji.
The poor, chubby Genin's chips, cookies, and other assortment of snacks were all currently held hostage by three evil women known as Rika, Risa, and Ruki, three health-crazed kunoichi who held a certain bun-headed weapons master as Senpai. Together, they were known as the 3-Rs—reduce, reuse, recycle…wait, no…the 3-Rs were not a recycling mantra; they were, in fact, super-health-heroes determined to save the world from calories! Mwuahahahahaha! So, it was not good for Chouji that they were the people helping him learn his lines…And boy did Chouji need help with his lines. He had the Shakespeare bone of a gerbil. However, the 3-Rs were making progress…some progress…okay, very low progress…yes, I am lying, little progress…okay, okay, to be honest, no progress…
Rika growled angrily. "Last time Chouji…ANNUCIATE!! It's thee not zero! How did you get from thee to ZERO!?"
Chouji just glared at the three women. How dare they…first they took away his snacks, now they were insulting his intelligence! This was enough!
"Now listen you—"
Ruki glared at him angrily, sticking a finger at Chouji's nose. "Hush, you ball of lard! Do I have to remind you that the fate of all your snacks is in our hands?" Risa promptly pulled out a detonator with a bright red button, smiling evilly in a manic, rabid-chipmunk-Heero-Yuy sort of way as her thumb wiggled over it. "Would you like to see them go boom, Chouji-san?" said Ruki.
Chouji hesitated for moment. No! Nothing was worth more than his food! Nothing! Not even his dignity! So, he just glared in his Chouji way. "Damn you evil conniving psychotic fangirls…"
"Well, duh!" said the 3-Rs in union. "Tenten-san is our senpai."
Chouji groaned in pain and agony as he was forced to endure the torture…I mean Shakespeare language lessons of the 3-Rs. What pain and agony did he go through you may ask? Ahem…if you are sensitive to the pains of both diet and old English, stop reading this right now.
Sad, poor, snack loving Chouji was forced to endure such harsh treatments—forced to repeat a mantra of thou, thee, and –eth words such as harketh or parketh, though neither words were really used in Romeo and Juliet. In the middle of this mindless old English torment, the 3-Rs also forced Chouji to do laps around Konoha (note: this was supposed to be Sasuke's initial punishment), as well as eat horrible, disgusting, vile, depraved, grotesque, atrocious, vomitrocious health foods…like soy and tofu, brussel sprouts, egg plants, broccoli, beans, turnips, and tuna!—which, if not made into some form of sushi or sandwich just did not taste good. For Chouji…there would be no chips, no chocolate, no cake or cookies, no candy, and worst of all…no instant noodles of any kind (which, if Naruto had heard, would go all Kyuubi on their arses).
So all in all, Chouji was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
And that, dear reader, is indeed what happened!
During the moments when Rika was shouting, "THEE, THEE, THEE!! It is thee, not zero!", and Risa playing with the pretty detonator that was connected to the fate of Chouji's snacks, and Ruki was preparing Chouji's egg plant smoothie, Chouji's mentality finally broke and shattered into tiny, iddy-biddy little pieces of fluff—and he screamed, hysterically loudly.
And went all Kyuubi on their arses without being a Kyuubi. Yay for writing that makes no sense!
Eyes wide and deranged, and foaming at the mouth, Chouji glared at the 3-Rs in fury and insanity, smiling like Hannibal Lector (though, of course, Hannibal the Cannibal was way too cool to foam at the mouth over three insane, diet-crazed kunoichi…yes, the writer is completely partial when it comes to deranged sociopaths). Laughing hysterically, Chouji lunged at the three girls, who screamed in fear as they attempted to run away from the large ninja. What was worse, due to his lack of (junk) food and being tormented by the 3-Rs, Chouji's mentality was in shambles—and he currently saw the three girls are large, imaginary bags of chips. Mouth foaming, eyes deranged and hungry, Chouji chased after Risa, Rika, and Ruki, attempting to eat them—but of course, they really wouldn't be that yummy (unless you were Hannibal the Cannibal).
"Aurgh…how annoying," spoke Shikamaru as he and Ino walked around Konoha, as they were on assignment (care of Shino, who was desperately trying to find a certain weapons master) searching for a certain Hyuuga and his said evil woman. Of course, Shikamaru had much better things that he could do rather than go around Konoha searching for people. It was supposed to be our beloved lazy genius' day off—when he was far, far, far away from these insane, stupid people. He had planned and excellent schedule of sleeping, some eating, possibly playing some Go, Chess, and or et cetera, sleeping some more, gazing at the clouds, or just being his Shika-lazy self.
Unfortunately for Shikamaru, Shino bashed his wonderful plans into bits. He really the hated the Aburame heir right now—more than usual, for usually, Shikamaru felt sorry for Shino and all the crap he had go through (such as dealing with a PMS-pissed-off-fem-Naruto, a PMS-pissed-off-normal Sasuke, a PMS-pissed-off-murderous-Gai-hating Anko, and of course, the PMS-pissed-off-I'm-gonna-kill-you-dead-psychotic Tenten). Compared to Shino, Shikamaru had it easy! All he had to deal with was memorizing lines (which, because of his amazing IQ, was in the degree of difficulty as drawing a circle. Curse his photographic memory!) and dealing with a constantly complaining Ino (who was still very PMS-pissed-off-I'm-gonna-kill-Shino-dead). But then again, Shikamaru already had experience in the Ino department.
…that sounded really wrong for some reason…but anyways, nothing could excuse the fact that Shikamaru was very upset with Shino. In a completely non-yaoi kind of way.
"Stupid, stupid, & Shino!" Ino cursed (that would make Anko proud). "Why the hell am I doing this!"
"Because Shino and Tenten have the power to cut you…Out of the play," Shikamaru answered. "Though, that really wouldn't be too bad of an idea."
"Says you!" shouted Ino. "I was so close! So close to being able to share a kiss with Sasuke-kun. Wahhh! And now! Now! First Naruto steals Sasuke-kun's FIRST kiss! Now he gets to play Juliet of all people! This makes no sense at all! What the hell was Shino thinking!"
At this moment, Shikamaru with his magnificent brain, decided to ponder this.
What was Shino thinking, casting Naruto of all people as Juliet?
And then Shikamaru realized that Shino was a freaking genius.
Of course he couldn't cast a real girl, because all the other girls would through themselves at her and eat her alive, and then Konoha would be thrown into anarchy! Though, for the anarchy part, Shikamaru was not so sure.
Just then, Shikamaru saw Chouji, his eyes possessing the mad glee of a rabid squirrel who just snorted some pixie sticks, as he chased three girls down a random street interval.
"KYAAAAAA! WAIT, CHOUJI! STOP! WE'RE PEOPLE! YOU CAN'T EAT US!" cried one of the girls.
"WE'LL GIVE YOU CHIPS! POP! DONUTS! JUST PLEASE. DON'T EAT US!" cried another.
"TENTEN-SENPAI! HELPPPPPPPPP!" cried the last.
The lazy-arsed genius gazed at the scene in annoyed surprised as the large, round, and manic Chouji half-rolled and half-cased the three girls down the streets of Konoha.
"I take it back," he said quietly to himself, "Shino, you are the Devil incarnate. This isn't anarchy. This is just…just…chaos."
To be continued in "Bad Things Come in Threes" Part III
Author's Note: ((smiles sheepishly)) Hi...It's me again. With a new chapter of SL. ((smiles sheepishly as a large canon ball is shot towards her)) Sorry! SORRY! SORRY!! I really, really, really am. You have no idea how sorry I am. I know it's been...a while...since I last updated SL, but I have perfectly valid reasons! Um...((thinks)) In short, school, money, and life in general took up most of my time, including working on my novel. I have a book in the works right now, which I really do hope will get published, so that piece of comedy and all my other more tragic fiction are taking up a lot of my time (I've spent a lot of time writing horror these days). And between school and my family and friends, SL has not been the priority on my list. It's been a pretty dramatic few years: my grandmother had a stroke, my brother got married, one of my friends also got married, I had major financial issues to deal with, work (as in a paying job), a bad bout of depression, and several long vacations to China. To say the least, this writer has a life which she is forced to deal with (unfortunately).
I've also become severely disappointed with the plot of Naruto after the "Time Jump" bit, and have not bothered to catch up so much (due to a new love of the manga DOGS - Bullets & Carnage, as well my obsession with Asian dramas). I am, however, still planning on finishing SL, and getting back on the comedy bandwagon. Moreover, I want to dabble more in the romantic comedy circle: there is currently a poll on my profile on FF for a new fanfic, so please vote for a particular one. This will hopefully get my funny-bone working to churn out the rest of SL.
At any rate, thank you for reading SL, and I hope I will continue to have your support. Domo.