text: PO-EM is the design studio of artist Carla Venticinque-Osborn. The studio focuses on making handmade textiles, wares and art objects. Collections take inspiration from stories, poems, the hand's work, the animal gaze, storytelling through pattern, utility, folk, and merging old things with new things. Every piece is intent on being genuine, and serves as an ode to the handmade. Far from commonplace, PO-EM textiles are heirloom homespun/handwoven, and use natural dyes for color. Traditional and ancient methods of artisan design are explored such as block printing, weaving and resist-dying. Textile works are proudly made in partnership with established fair trade artisan cooperatives in India and Guatemala. PO-EM's mission is to make/produce/design handmade goods that are produced via socially and environmentally positive channels of production (natural non-toxic dyes and materials, fair pay, job creation). The world needs more good, it needs to slow down - this is a designer's attempt to insert thoughtful pauses amongst a fast-paced world via artfully sustainable wares.

subset: commoncrawl


text: [[quoteright:330:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/funkyw.png]][[caption-width-right:330:Smiling in spite of their impending doom.]]A long-running NewspaperComic strip, written and drawn by Tom Batiuk since 1972.In the beginning, this was a gag-per-day strip set at a HighSchool. Funky Winkerbean was a happy-go-lucky student. Other regulars were Les Moore, Candice Kane, band director Harold Dinkle and pizzeria owner Montoni. Regular gags/stories involved, among other things, silly answers to test questions, Les Moore's incompetence at gym, [[AIIsACrapshoot a sentient school computer]] with [[TeleportersAndTransporters a transporter beam]], and Harold Dinkle's attempts to win the Battle of the Bands (which was generally rained out), while trying to unload Band Candy and Band Turkeys (and in one strip Band Candied Turkeys) to a generally unwilling to buy public.In 1992, Batiuk -- figuring that two decades in high school was long enough -- quite deliberately decided to initiate CerebusSyndrome (not that it was called that then): he ran a graduation storyline, and to indicate and hammer in the change of tone, he had the class overachiever commit suicide in the yearbook room after hearing that the position of valedictorian would be chosen by popularity, and after a brief standoff. Then we got Les Moore's valedictorian speech (which is universally considered underwhelming), and then there was a TimeSkip... And then there was [[DeusAngstMachina Angst]]: For every good thing that happened to the cast (Funky married to Cindy, Les married to Lisa) there were [[DiabolusExMachina two bad things]] (Funky is a divorced recovering alcoholic, Lisa died after a breast cancer relapse) and one thing that was [[CerebusRetcon revealed to be worse than we thought]] (Lisa's teen pregnancy retconned into date rape, Bull's {{Jerkass}} nature as a result of parental abuse).And then in 2008, Batiuk decided there needed to be a second TimeSkip to turn things over to the kids of the original cast. Even then, the majority of the storylines have focused more on the adults experiencing even more traumatic events and angsting about them and less on their children, though a handful of stories have focused on the lives of the teens.----!!''Funky Winkerbean'' contains examples of:* AbortedArc:** The Lisa's Story one was a particularly tragic example (as acknowledged by Batiuk himself). Rather than follow the story through to its end and explore the effects her death had on her friends and family, it's promptly dropped in the form of a ten-year TimeSkip. This abandoned a potential gold mine of material, and foreclosed on the opportunity to flesh out the supporting cast who now had to carry the strip themselves.** Likely as a result of the above, this has now become the norm in Act III. Plots tend to have very long, drawn out introductions and are then just abruptly dropped. The [[ShowWithinAShow Starbuck Jones movie arc]], for example, has ''years'' of build-up, but as soon as it reaches the premiere it (and its twenty or so subplots) is immediately forgotten and buried. * AccidentalAdultery: Happened to Wally Winkerbean ''twice'', both times due to being taken prisoner during the UsefulNotes/WarOnTerror and being listed as missing in action and presumed dead.* AgeCut: TimeSkip II officially began with a [[http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20071021&name=Funky_Winkerbean Sunday strip]]. Les began to say "You know your mother would be proud..." while young Summer and he hold hands. The next panel is a much older Summer's hand still holding his. Les finishes with "...of the young woman you've become" as the final panel shows the teenaged Summer and middle aged Les.* TheAlcoholic: Funky is a recovering one.* AllGirlsWantBadBoys: During the 1990s, when she is in high school, Becky Blackburn – much to her overbearing mother's dismay – falls for Wally Winkerbean, the "bad boy" who is on the fringes of academic failure and would rather party on the weekends. In a 2010 strip, Becky remarks that it was indeed Wally's "bad boy" charm that made him desirable in her eyes.* AllJustADream:** Funky's accident storyline from 2010, where he flashes back to 1980 after being involved in a serious car accident and rendered unconscious.** In 2015, the present-day incarnations of the Westview gang meet up with their teen-aged selves during a class reunion. There, a teenaged Lisa is upset that her adult self is absent from the reunion ... and then learns why, after seeing a table with photographs of classmates who had since died, and a display calling for contributions for breast cancer research and the local chapter in Lisa's name. In the end, the trope kicks in when it is revealed ... that Les, who helped organize the event, had passed out during the reunion (for unexplained reasons) and was having a dream.** 2016 had a zany arc about Pete and Derin sneaking onto a cargo ship to steal some pens, which, this being ''Funky Winkerbein'', ends with [[CruelTwistEnding Derrin getting shot to death]]. Fortunately, it turns out to be a dream.* AlwaysSomeoneBetter: Keisha, Summer's basketball rival whose great talent overshadows her and thus deprives her of her love for athletics.* ArtEvolution: Batiuk's drawings have gotten less cartoony and more realistic to coincide with the strip's shift in tone.* ArtifactTitle: Funky isn't even seen that often; the strip now focuses much more on Les. This has apparently been true for decades, even back when it was a LighterAndSofter strip, if the stage musical ''Funky Winkerbean's Homecoming'' (where Les is the main character and Funky only has two scenes) is anything to go by. These days, it's debatable which is the bigger artifact, the fact that the title character doesn't show up that often or that the title "Funky Winkerbean" suggests the LighterAndSofter strip it was at the start and not the DarkerAndEdgier DeusAngstMachina DiabolusExMachina CrapsackWorld for which it's become infamous. * ArtisticLicenseMedicine: Lisa is correctly told that radiation cannot cure her Stage IV breast cancer. This is mostly true, as pretty much nothing will kill recurrent breast cancer. She is however ''not'' told that radiation and chemotherapy can put the cancer into a temporary remission or that some Stage IV breast cancer patients are able to survive for twenty years or longer. This omission influences Lisa's decision to discontinue treatment. Worse, it takes the better part of a year for her to die, which means that she could have beaten it back: had the cancer been so invasive that chemo or radiation wouldn't have helped, she would have been dead within a few weeks. * ArtisticLicenseMilitary: Pretty much ''everything'' relating to the storyline with Wally is a slap in the face to anyone who has even a smidgen of knowledge of the military, [=POWs=], and basic procedures for declaring a soldier killed in action (hint: they tend to involve ''identifying the body'' and not grabbing random corpses without even the most basic of forensics testing) This may have been inspired by the controversy some years back over the deliberate misidentification of skeletal remains recovered in Southeast Asia. (A forensic scientist claimed that he had positively identified fragmented skeletal remains from a crashed bomber when in reality it was impossible to tell whether the specific remains sent to each family were actually from their loved one, from one of his comrades, or even from an animal.)* AssholeVictim: John Darling. Jessica's documentary about her father has somehow or other flushed out an army of people eager to tell her what a despicable, foul-tempered, self-absorbed ignoramus he was. That wasn't the first time that it happened -- in an earlier arc in the 90s, Les got in touch with Darling's co-workers about his murder and all of them said something along the lines of "he had it coming".* AuthorAppeal: Batiuk ''really'' likes comic books and generally his characters will express very good opinions about them even if they've barely ever read them. Characters who ''don't'' are usually depicted as [[StrawCharacter bad]].* AuthorAvatar: Without a doubt: Les, especially post-TimeSkip. This became blindingly obvious in October 2010 as Les embarked on his book tour (which takes place mainly at Montoni's) and is surrounded by adoring hordes of middle-aged women who worship the ground he walks on - and who are all clearly inferior in some way or another to him. * CallBack: Funky's time traveling is real since he's the "old geezer" who told his younger self to save the comic book.* CellPhonesAreUseless:** In 2010, a storyline involving Funky being involved in a car accident (caused by a young woman whose car veers into the path of Funky's car while she was talking on a cellular telephone while driving) sees Funky be knocked unconscious and drift back to the year 1980. During the flashback, Funky is seen in his present-day self, having been involved in an accident where he was forced off the road to avoid a collision; he has his phone with him but is unable to call for help (since cell phones as we know them today were things of the future).** For unknown reasons, Les never bothers to use a cellphone (or ''any'' phone, for that matter) to call home and check and see how his teenage daughter is doing. Nor do people at home call him. This results in bizarre situations like the February 6th, 2011 strip, where for for some reason he's completely shocked that his daughter got injured.* CerebusRetcon: Several sitcom-y plot points were retconned into something significantly ''less'' funny.** The January-February 2013 arc has perhaps the most depressing, severe retcon yet. Peripheral character Fred Fairgood suffers a stroke. As recently as Autumn of 2012, he and his wife Ann had been depicted as a happy couple, looking back on their past with joy, love and pride. However, upon waiting in the hospital, Ann tells their son Darin that their marriage was a loveless union of lies and convenience that crushed her previously unrevealed dreams of being a writer. (The fact that in 2012 a major plot point was her great accomplishments in teaching girls' sports seems to be forgotten). Darin also discovers that his father had a family before he married Ann, complete with a daughter he hasn't seen in decades. Shattered by the revelations, Darin does nothing to comfort his mother or spare kind thoughts for his father, instead wandering off with a smirk to hope the government would give him money. In just a couple of weeks, Tom's transformed what previously seemed like an unusually (for Westview) happy family into a group of miserable, self-obsessed, deadbeat losers. ''Dark'' indeed.** This is veering sharply into UnreliableNarrator territory as of February 2011, with Les reminiscing about his grad-student days to an old schoolmate and blatantly re-casting the gag-strip period of his life as a bleak, existential affair where he and his friend would dream of escaping their small-town life and doing Big Things (complete with visuals ''in no way reminiscent'' of ''Film/OnTheWaterfront'''s famous "contender" scene, no less!) Not to mention the visuals reinventing his old dorky young-adult self as looking more like a beat poet.)** What would be a mild retcon -- Jeff from ''ComicStrip/{{Crankshaft}}'' being revealed as Jess Darling's maternal uncle in 2013 -- turns into this as this reveal was in furtherance of retconning Darrin's conception into outright rape.* CerebusSyndrome: Possibly the biggest example, short of the {{Trope Namer|s}} (and that's debatable).* ChangingOfTheGuard: Each Act has a different central character: Funky in Act I, Lisa in Act II, and Les in Act III.* TheChewToy:** Lisa never could catch a break. Even Batiuk admitted in an interview during the second cancer storyline that he didn't quite understand why she was always getting so much drama.** Les ''used'' to go through through this, but these days seems to be getting the opposite treatment. Possibly to make up for years of torture, and possibly because Batiuk has started to identify with him more.* ComicBookTime: Started off this way, then went to real-time progression (or maybe slowed-down time progression) after the first TimeSkip, then... well, it's hard to tell now. Both time skips seemed to take the strip from the present day to... still the present day but with everyone being older. In the original timeline, the characters were ca. 15 years old in 1972, which presupposes a birth year of roughly 1957. The first timeshift had them graduate in 1988, implying that they were born in 1970. The third timeshift has them at roughly 46 years of age in 2010, giving them a birth date of about 1964. * CrapsackWorld: And the characters clearly are aware of it. Hell, Funky even described life as a curse. Les appears to be the most aware, and at all times seems to be merely waiting his turn, if only to be with Lisa again. A 2012 strip had him openly admit to not wanting to appear too happy lest the universe conspire against him.* {{Crossover}}: [[http://joshreads.com/?p=23932 With]] ComicStrip/DickTracy in 2015.* DeusAngstMachina: ''Especially'' the cancer plots, but pretty much ''everyone'' has had a pile-up of horrible events. Poor Les, what the heck is he going to do with a once-in-a-lifetime trip to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro? (The critics admit that it is a rather daunting "vacation".) He'd rather just go to Disney World.* DevolutionDevice: In the strip [[http://safr.kingfeatures.com/idn/ck3/content.php?file=aHR0cDovL3NhZnIua2luZ2ZlYXR1cmVzLmNvbS9GdW5reVdpbmtlcmJlYW4vMjAxNC8wNi9GdW5reV9XaW5rZXJiZWFuX3RzLjIwMTQwNjA4XzE0NDAuZ2lm for June 8th, 2014]]. The entire strip is the cover of issue #216 of the fictional comic book ''Starbuck Jones''. Starbuck Jones is on the cover, but he's in the shape of a chimpanzee after being affected by a Xaxian De-Volv ray.* DiabolusExMachina: Ever since the first time skip. One of the worst being Wally being declared AWOL because his discharge papers were filed ''one day too early'' (and not by him), and sent back for an entire year of active duty in Iraq. Did we mention that this is also how he ended up missing for ten years and declared KIA, thus spending years in captivity and returning home to his wife having remarried and his son never knowing his face? Oh, and developing ''serious'' PTSD that prevents him from going out in public and holding steady work? Yes, this is a typical life for a Funky Winkerbean cast member. For just one example, one week in 2009 covered an entire miserable day for the middle-aged Funky. This started with him facing laying off employees, progressed to his wife getting involved in a car wreck, to his father falling and breaking his hip, to him picking up his son from detention, and ending with the revelation that ''all this happened on his birthday''. Oh, and while at the hospital, listening to the TV blare on about the horrible economy, Funky gets an e-mail warning him of elevated PSA levels - meaning he's also looking at the threat of prostate cancer. About halfway through the day, he even got upset at ''God'' for his string of failure. Regular readers simply wondered why more characters don't curse out [[RageAgainstTheAuthor the malevolent deity]] that controls their universe..* DrowningMySorrows:** An entire week in late 2009 depicted Wally doing this as a response to the complete implosion of his entire life. It ended with him talking to his adopted daughter ''while hiding a gun behind his back''.** Funky ''thinks'' about doing this, but decides not to.* DysfunctionJunction: The characters in this strip aren't the most emotionally, mentally and/or physically stable of the bunch.* FailureIsTheOnlyOption: The principle this universe runs on.* FlashbackEffects: shading flashback panels to look like old photographs in an album.* FullyAbsorbedFinale: The ''Funky Winkerbean'' spin-off ''John Darling'' ended very suddenly in the early 90s with the title character's murder on panel, as sort of a TakeThat to his syndicate during a heated battle over the strip. The murder was never solved in that strip and in fact, at the time, Batiuk had not intended to ever solve it and had not originally planned who the killer was. In the later 90s, Batiuk returned to the storyline when Les wrote a book about the murder and through the writing process solved the mystery.* TheGrimReaper:** Appears in a dream sequence as [[Theatre/ThePhantomOfTheOpera a man in a suit and tails with a strange white mask on his face]]. ''ComicStrip/PearlsBeforeSwine'' parodied this almost a year later, as did ''ComicStrip/MyCage.''** Lisa as well, or at least her memory, seems to haunt Les. (As of the December 2010 strips, this seems to have become literal. Though, knowing Batiuk, this could turn out to be the beginning of Les' actual mental breakdown instead of the year's second ''[[Series/TheTwilightZone Twilight Zone]]'' ripoff.) Given the real phone call and the aircraft mechanics' discussion about it, it doesn't seem to be all in his head.** ''ComicStrip/MyCage'' did a parody of this plotline in late 2009, in which Jeff's son portrays Masky McDeath in a school play based on the (once-) popular newspaper comic "[[LawyerFriendlyCameo Groovy Blinkerlegume]]". This is likely also a dig at the ''Funky Winkerbean'' musical that was once popular as a high school production, and the then-recent ''Funky Winkerbean'' plot about the school doing a production of ''Wit''.* HideYourLesbians:** After the principal's speech about no sexual discrimination in the student handbook, he's later seen talking to someone who's very awkwardly hidden by props in the foreground. Speculation is that it's either a known character or the personification of closeted gay teens everywhere (but just the light-skinned ones), but the plot point remains unresolved.** The couple that started the whole business stayed in the story exactly long enough to establish that a) they wanted to purchase prom tickets and b) they were a gay couple, after which they were never seen or heard from again.* HopeSpot: Lisa's cancer going into remission. Psyche! Turns out the hospital mixed up her paperwork with someone else and because she lost months of valuable treatment time, her cancer is now terminal. Of course, since recurrent breast cancer is always terminal (the best she could hope for, even if detected in a timely manner, would be a few more years at most), the HopeSpot was rather pointless - not to mention her doctor doesn't bother telling her this. Or that the therapy they're giving her can't cure her cancer. ''Did we mention Lisa was a lawyer?!''* HotForTeacher: Susan, as a teenager, had a crush on Les, her teacher during the post-Time Skip 1 era. When he married Lisa, she tried to kill herself. She returned as a teacher - still with a crush on him - and eventually told him she loves him, throwing herself into his arms and kissing him. When a photo of the kiss spreads throughout the school, she immediately resigns and leaves, Les making jokes about her obsession and smirking smugly all the while.* {{Jerkass}}:** Funky had an abrupt change post time-skip into an unabashed selfish, greedy jerk. Then again, this is a CrapsackWorld, it's enough to turn even the most idealistic heart to stone.** Les is coming off as this when he brings in two women he's involved with for a relatively self-centered demands to help him with the book, with the implications they're going to have to compete for his affections by agreeing with him.** Les on his Kilimanjaro adventure and annoying everyone by making "Livingston, I presume" jokes and unforgivably bad puns. In his defense needs some kind of stress-release considering he's climbing a mountain in a foreign country with only a few months of preparation from his ex-bully-turned-high school coach.* JustPlaneWrong: So Les is on a plane that gets grounded by a bomb threat [[spoiler: called in by Lisa's ghost to prevent the plane from crashing]]. According to Les, the plane (with ''all the passengers and luggage still on board'') sat at the gate for a couple hours after which they were given seats on a later flight--instead of being immediately removed from the plane and undergoing intense scrutiny by the TSA, as one might expect in the circumstances. Oh, and apparently there's no trouble getting an entire planeload of people seats on a later flight, though it's only a few days before Christmas.* KarmaHoudini: In Crazy Harry's case, it's escaping the ''bad'' karma the rest of the original cast soaks up. The worst thing he's experienced is losing his job as a postal worker...which by this universe's standards is a slap on the wrist.* TheLastDJ: Les Moore is apparently the only person in the entire world who does anything for the sake of artistic expression. Everybody else is twaddle created by money-grubbing weasels. Taken to absurd lengths in the ''Lust For Lisa'' storyline, where Les's film script is rejected for being "a beautiful work of art." Really.* LoveTriangle:** Between the post-TimeSkip II Les, his former suicidal student-turned-colleague Susan, and fellow post-TimeSkip II teacher Cayla. It eventually ended with Susan causing a scandal by being seen kissing Les and her departure from the strip, leaving Cayla the winner to eventually marry Les. At least she had the approval of Les' dead wife's ghost!** Summer Moore (Les and Lisa's daughter) is liked by both a nerdy boy who looks suspiciously like Les and his slacker best friend who's defined by his goofy hat -- however there's no proof she likes either (critics were thankful that GenerationXerox was avoided... for now). Complicating matters is an unnamed blonde girl who likes the nerd but he doesn't know she exists even after she texts him thanks to a prank by the slacker.* NewMediaAreEvil: Batiuk clearly has a problem with the Internet ([[SarcasmMode wonder why?]]), so in his WishFulfillment universe that's the consensus re: the Internet, everyone hates it and are always totally outraged and disgusted by it. This occasionally gets to the point where the story and characters bend around it and work it in at completely random moments, such as one particularly strange strip where an actor gets angry over bloggers suggesting his movie could win an Oscar. What actor would get upset at seeing his earning potential rise?One who got the news via the evil Internet, that's who.* OffTheWagon: Teased in a 2010 strip, though subverted - while the Saturday strip showed Funky ordering a drink, the next day's strip showed him simply chatting up the bar tender about his horrible life, then leaving the full glass behind. ''Because that is how depressing this comic is.''* OutOfFocus: Funky himself hasn't been the strip's central character in a long time; see Secondary Character Title, below.* ParentalAbandonment: After his stroke, Fred's estranged daughter showed up to look in on the old man. It seems that he never seemed to want to tell Darin his disastrous first marriage or the daughter he was 'forced' to give up. * ParentWithNewParamour:** TimeSkip II finds Becky married to John, the comic book store owner; the reappearance of her first husband Wally after years of captivity in Iraq has made her life somewhat awkward. ** Les Moore eventually began to date again after the second time skip, though he frequently sought comfort from his wife's ghost (though whether this was merely in his head or not is unexplained.) The woman was Cayla Williams, who was also the mother of Summer Moore's athletics rival. Les eventually married Cayla in late 2012.* PhoneCallFromTheDead: Les Moore's deceased wife Lisa calls him in the airport to warn him not to take a flight that's destined to crash. He takes the flight anyway, but she saves him by arranging for the plane's mechanical problem to be discovered.* PunnyName:** Les Moore.** Several early characters, including bandleader Harry Dinkle and the late football coach Jack Stropp.* PutOnABus:** Most of the high school students from the first time skip, despite the second time skip ostensibly being to pass the torch to the younger generation. Then despite a great deal of build up to said generation of students, they were ''also'' PutOnABus to largely focus on Les' daughter Summer Moore[[note]]who has ''also'' been put on a bus, only reappearing for things involving Lisa[[/note]].** Funky's stepson Corey joined the army...without really resolving any of his own open storylines.* PromIsForStraightKids: A spring 2012 storyline featured a gay couple wanting to attend prom together. Said couple then vanish without a trace for the rest of the arc, not even getting names. When "Prom Comittee Member" Roberta Blackburn finds out, she launches a demonstration to force the school officials' hand and stop the couple from attending. However, Summer Moore decides that a bunch of students will skip class as a show of support, even though Batiuck makes it clear the majority of students just want to skip class, period. The principal who holds an assembly to point out that there's no discrimination based on sexual-orientation in the school handbook. Even though as Roberta was just a volunteer, he could have easily dismissed her instead of lecturing his students on a viewpoint they never put forth. Roberta is only stopped, however, by her milksop husband unexpectedly chewing her out in public, causing her to crumple like a damp dishrag.* SamusIsAGirl: ** The Eliminator, a helmeted BrattyHalfPint arcade gamer from the original strips, retconned late in the first time skip into Donna, a hot blond (and Crazy Harry's future wife).** Cory's unseen friend Rocky in the military has since been revealed to be the rather pretty Roxanne.* SecondaryCharacterTitle: Also somewhat of an ArtifactTitle, in that Funky originally ''was'' the main character, or at least shared the spotlight with Les. Nowadays, it's pretty clear who the main character is and that this trope currently applies.* ShellShockedVeteran:** Wally stopped going to his therapy sessions so he can sit in a crappy apartment and drink to forget; given that one strip had his ex [[AllGirlsWantBadBoys Becky whine about how destructive]] he was, it's obvious that we're about to see a massacre that is All Wally's Fault for not Getting With The Program. ** Wally in a very believable series of strips was given an assistance dog to help him with his PTSD. With the dog's support, he has become mentally and emotionally stable enough to take care of himself and start dating again.* ShootTheShaggyDog: Lisa's death. The author made it clear almost a year before the plot line resolved that it was going to end with her death, so [[WringEveryLastDropOutOfHim enduring a year of Lisa not knowing, getting a few false hopes, and then wasting away in hospice]], was excruciating.* ShoutOut:** In real life, Batiuk is a huge fan of comics and has a few friends in the comic book industry, such as his neighbor Tony Isabella and Creator/JohnByrne, who once drew ''Funky Winkerbean'' for ten weeks while Batiuk recovered from foot surgery. This has manifested itself in other ShoutOut moments during the strip.** From time to time, Batiuk will devote an entire Sunday strip to a replica of a Silver Age Creator/DCComics cover, usually with a single panel tying it into whatever is going on with the characters' lives. Sometimes he parodies it by inserting his own characters into the cover, but other times the only appearance of Funky cast members is in the tie-in panel.** Les and Lisa got married wearing Batman and Robin costumes. When Les remarried he wore a normal tux, but he still referenced his first wedding and said he felt like Superman.** One of Les' former students (during the post-TimeSkip I era), Pete, went on to become a writer for Creator/MarvelComics after the second TimeSkip.** A 1/24/10 (Sunday) strip had Crazy Harry discussing comic book heroes of past generations and how they were "real heroes" who "[[NinetiesAntiHero weren't deeply disturbed and borderline psychotic]]". This shout out was problematic because the retro hero he held up as an example was Marvel's Speedball, who went DarkerAndEdgier in ''ComicBook/CivilWar'' a few years prior. [[http://joshreads.com/?p=5408#comments Comics Curmudgeon commenters]] thought this hilarious and joked that Speedball/Penance would fit into the miserable Funkyverse ''perfectly''. Arguably, it fits into Harry's rant about UsefulNotes/TheDarkAgeOfComicBooks perfectly; Batiuk is knowledgeable enough about comics that he may be well aware of his fate. It's the [[{{Hypocrite}} total failure to see that he's doing the exact same thing to his own comic]] that makes it hilarious.* SpinOff: Two in ''John Darling'' and ''ComicStrip/{{Crankshaft}}''.* SpiritAdvisor: Lisa, although it's probably safe to assume this is just a figment of Les's imagination. Though, knowing Funky Cancercancer, the guide Lisa is probably actually a brain tumor.* StrangerInAFamiliarLand: Funky's reaction when he discovers he's back in 1980 and it's just as bewildering and strange as 2010.* StrawCritic: The parents who don't like the drama class performing the play ''Wit'' because "School plays are for fun and relaxation, not [[TrueArtIsAngsty art]]." The snarking blogs and readers' comments note that ''Wit'' wouldn't be easy to mount with teen performers and would risk losing the school's money if their peers and families don't come to see it -- not a smart move at a time when arts programs are suffering due to a recession. All things considered, the StrawmanHasAPoint. Other critics noted that a logical response to the Straw Critic's suggestion of doing ''Spamalot'' would have been to point out the prohibitive costs of licensing and producing a currently running musical versus the small cast and minimal set needed for ''Wit'' - but the comic naturally featured a pretentious lecture about the arts instead. Also, good luck finding a female high school drama student [[TraumaticHaircut willing to shave her head]] for a school play.* TakeThat: To fellow cartoonist Johnny Hart, for using ''ComicStrip/{{BC}}'' as a [[AuthorTract medium to share his Christian beliefs]]. Which, given Batiuk's tendency to go into comic-tantrums when someone speaks out against his cancer-centric plotlines, is like a cannibal mocking someone for being a vegan.* TakeThatCritics: Batiuk has used this comic and his other strip, ''ComicStrip/{{Crankshaft}}'', to dish out some lumps of his own over criticism that the strip was overly dramatic.* TeenPregnancy: Lisa went through this, giving birth to Darrin Fairgood, whom she gave up for adoption.* TeensAreMonsters: Funky's stepson Corey steals Lisa's cancer charity money and it's implied it's just his latest brush with the law. Funky covers for him by replacing the money himself...while appearing as a "good guy" because he makes a grand gesture of apparent generosity without telling Les ''where'' the money went. The plot has yet to be revisited.* ThemeInitials: The one-armed teacher has the same first initial as her three sisters (something like Beth, Becky, Berenice, and Bella).* TheBusCameBack: The ''Starbuck Jones'' film arc brought back the sentient WHS computer (now named "Holtron") from the wackier days of Act I. Problem is that there's absolutely no frame of reference at all, meaning one has to be familiar enough with the comic to both remember a side character that hasn't appeared in thirty years AND the fact that the ''Starbuck Jones'' team re-appropriated that old computer to use as a prop in the film. Most readers just expressed confusion at a talking computer appearing out of nowhere. * TimeSkip: Two of them! The first one also signaled the comic's shift into more dramatic storylines.* TimeTravel: Funky travels back in time after crashing his car. [[AllJustADream Maybe.]]* TheUnReveal: What Cindy thought was an American military contractor being swapped in a prisoner exchange turned out to be Funky's cousin, Wally. The dramatic effect was blunted by Wally himself telling the story as a flashback.* VerySpecialEpisode:** After 16-plus years of following the tried-and-true gag-a-day format, Batiuk began a recurring story arc to address teen pregnancy. Lisa Crawford, a mousy outcast of a student who was butt ugly, had somehow caught the eye of all-star wide receiver Francis "Frankie" Pierce ... only for the relationship to go straight downhill after the two get drunk at a party and have sex. Frankie reveals his true colors and beats up Lisa after learning she got pregnant; her parents at home are zero help, leaving Lisa to turn to her only friend left ... the even worse outcast named Les Moore. Ultimately, Lisa gives birth to a baby boy and gives him up for adoption (unknown to her, the parents are her high school principal and his wife, Fred and Ann Fairgood, who give baby Darin the stable environment he needs).** After the success and critical acclaim of the "teen pregnancy" storyline, Very Special Strips would follow. While some storylines were rather mundane, several had very dark themes, most notably a recurring arc centering on Lisa contracting breast cancer that began in 2002 and continued for more than five years; it ultimately ended with her death. Other common Very Special Strip themes dealt with war issues and alcoholism.* WallOfText: [[http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/i090917fw.jpg This strip]], which could possibly also count as an AuthorFilibuster. See WriterOnBoard for the background.* WhatHappenedToTheMouse: Plenty of readers are wondering what happened to the other driver in Funky's July 2010 car crash.* WhatYearIsThis: Funky asks this during his trip back through time.* WhereTheHellIsSpringfield: Westview is apparently located somewhere in Ohio (Batiuk's an Akron native), but precisely where is never specified.* WhiteMaskOfDoom: Who could it be but Masky?* WouldHitAGirl:** It's clear that when she was dating Frankie Pierce, Lisa was the victim of dating abuse. This was only referred to until a June 2013 strip, when a panel explicitly showed Frankie raising his hand to punch Lisa. However, this assault is averted when a young man and his girlfriend -- who were out jogging and happened to witness the goings-on -- ran Frankie off. The witness to this imminent assault tells his story to Les Moore (the man Lisa would eventually marry) and Darin Fairgood (the biological child of Frankie and Lisa) as Les gathers evidence to thwart Frankie's plans to make a reality show based on a "reunion" between him and Darin, and in the process desecrate the memory of Lisa (who thanks in-universe died almost two decades ago).** Around 2001, while Lisa was pregnant (with Summer) and working part-time at Montoni's (to pay off student loans and awaiting her first job as an attorney), Frankie -- aware that their biological son Darin, now teen-aged, was also working at Montoni's -- arrived at the restaurant to force a reconciliation. After the two got into an argument and Lisa told Frankie to leave or else the police would be called, Frankie shoves her down! Lisa goes into premature labor while, as Darin and others are tending to her, Frankie flees the scene on foot. (It is never known whether he got arrested, but fortunately, Lisa is able to deliver her baby with few problems.) * WriterOnBoard:** A plotline in which angry parents protest a school play about cancer and death and Les gets to defend it. Golly, that couldn't possibly be related to anything that happened in Batiuk's career that he's still pointlessly bitter about, right?** Les in general, really. He clearly has an unhealthy obsession with his late wife's death and is using his writing career as a platform for talking about it. ''[[AuthorAvatar Kind of like Tom Batiuk.]]''* YankTheDogsChain: For most of the last few years, the Sunday strips were dedicated to watching Crazy Harry build up a collection of Tarzan novels; this seems to be so that he'd have to sell them off to pay the bills after the poorly-researched post office shutdown arc. * YouLookLikeYouveSeenAGhost: When Funky encounters his pre-TimeSkip I self.* YoungerThanTheyLook: Despite looking old enough to be his son's grandfather, Funky is only 46 years old. This could be applied to everyone, since they share the same world-weary appearance whether they're elderly or in high school. From internal evidence (the day his birthday party ran in the papers), Funky was born on March 29, 1964 and is therefore the same age to the day as Creator/ElleMacPherson. He looks like Elle [=MacPherson's=] father.----


text:
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Alberta Field Representatives: Click here to find your local representative.
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- Content
- Theme
- Music
- Ease of Use
Operation Overboard by Cokesbury
Content – Children will learn about Noah, a servant girl who cared, how John proclaimed Jesus, when the disciples chose to follow Jesus and when Paul delivered the Good News.
Theme - Kids will be challenged to dive into the waters of God's Word and discover what it means to have deep faith as they spend time deep in the ocean!
Music – Songs for this VBS had a VBS sound . . . songs which fit the theme/setting. There are ten songs: Operation Overboard, I Depend On You, Deep Deep Deep, Dive (my favorite), Dare to Care, Blessed Be Your Name, Claim the Name, Live By Faith, I'm Gonna Choose and Go Change the World.
Ease of Use – Operation Overboard is very easy to use – the director's book is very complete and the teacher's books are clearly laid out and easy to follow.
Value – Two kits are available for $49.99. and $89.99
Cost per student . . .
- Music is not reproducible, so you would have to purchase CDs to give kids at a cost of $3.99 per CD
- Scripture Treasures range $14.99 for a package of 12 sets of five
- Mesh Dive Bag – $8.99 for a package of 12.
- Name tags – $3.99 for packages of 24
- Name tag holders – $15.99 for 12
- Student Journals - $2.99 per student
- Crafts range in price from $10.99 to $23.99 for packages of 12
Click Here to see more of Operation Overboard by Cokesbury!
Read Lynda's in-depth Review at About the Children's Department!


text: On Sat, 29 Dec 2001, David Brownlee wrote: > a) Does this seem a reasonable option? > b) If so, can someoen suggest a cleaner way than the !=gcc... mush > I'd prefer to avoid it being executed on non arm32 platforms... Make sure the pkg honours CFLAGS or so, then just set CFLAGS=-O0 ? In any ways, it would be good to document compiler workarounds in doc/HACKS. - Hubert -- Want to get a clue on IPv6 but don't know where to start? Try this: * Basics -> http://www.onlamp.com/pub/a/onlamp/2001/05/24/ipv6_tutorial.html * Setup -> http://www.onlamp.com/pub/a/onlamp/2001/06/01/ipv6_tutorial.html Of course with your #1 IPv6 ready operating system -> http://www.NetBSD.org/


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The Museum's Education Team produces several curriculum units each year which help teachers and students make the most of their trips to the Museum. Each unit relates to a specific exhibition and includes pre- and post-visit lesson plans that are aligned with state standards (EALRs and GLEs).
We team up with local university professors, educators and students to take an interdisciplinary approach to our curriculum units, using art to engage students in math, science, history, literature and more. Select units come with interactive CD-ROMs, DVDs or handouts to enhance the curriculum lessons.
View curriculum »
In addition to our exhibitions, this curriculum is designed to accompany the Museum's unique Hot Shop Amphitheater experience. Learn more »
For more information, contact Elisabeth Emerson
You may also be interested in our School Tours and Science of Art programs.
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On election day, Granite Staters will not only choose who will lead us for the next few years, we will also vote on proposed changes to the New Hampshire Constitution.
One of those constitutional amendments, CACR 26, would give the Legislature direct control over all operations of the Judicial Branch. Think about that for a minute. Remember all the horse-trading and last-minute surprises that happen every budget season. Do we really want the Legislature writing the Court's Rules?
- Do we want the Legislature deciding what to tell juries about the burden of proof, and what constitutes "reasonable doubt"?
- Do we want the Legislature to decide Rules of Evidence such as whether the jury can rely on hearsay; whether the jury can hear testimony that is irrelevant but prejudicial; whether a lawyer, spouse or ordained minister can be compelled to testify?
- Do we want the Legislature involved in the process of setting bail?
- Do we want the Legislature telling courts how to treat victims of child abuse?
CACR 26 would take New Hampshire on a voyage to a strange new world, where the Legislature has direct control of the Judiciary. Where Court Rules would likely change every two years, depending on who is elected House Speaker and Senate President, and who gets named to the Judiciary Committee. Where the branch of government that is supposed to protect our rights – supposed to protect us from Legislative excesses – would be run by the very politicians that we need to be protected against.
It would be the fox guarding the hen house.
Except in this case, New Hampshire citizens would be the hens. Do we really want to trust the Legislature to protect us from laws that trample on our constitutional rights?
This brainstorm may have come from Bill O'Brien's leadership team, but that doesn't mean it's actually a "conservative" idea. Pick whatever politician you hate – Democrat or Republican – and then imagine that politician is in charge of the New Hampshire court system. Now, imagine that you are a prisoner awaiting trial, or a divorced parent waiting for a custody decision, or a small business owner who is being sued by a customer, or an injured worker trying to get your employer to pay your medical bills. If that politician you hate has control of the Judicial Branch, how many different ways could he (or she) keep you from getting the justice you deserve?
There is no limit to the different ways the Legislature could muck up New Hampshire's court system, if we give them that power through CACR 26.
And then two years and another election later, the other political party could take control of the Legislature and ramrod through a set of changes in exactly the opposite direction.
As John Broderick, the former Chief Justice of the New Hampshire Supreme Court, told the Union Leader,
[the original framers of the Constitution] sought to protect the separation of governmental powers because they had lived under regimes that respected no dividing lines, when the Legislature could invade the province of the judiciary for purely partisan reasons or, perhaps, without any reason at all.
[J]udicial independence is not just about keeping the Legislature in check, as important as that is. It is also about fulfilling the constitutional guarantee to each citizen that the courts will act impartially and free from the influence of political interests.
As former Governor Steve Merrill and former New Hampshire Supreme Court Justice Joseph Nadeau told the NH Bar Association,
oversight of [Court] rules is oversight of administrative activities. And there is no place in a constitutional democracy for legislative intervention of the judicial branch. Political oversight of courts existed in dictatorships of Eastern Europe, Southeast Asia, and the former Russian Republics before they embraced democracy. We all know that resulted in judicial systems without independence, and without equal access or impartial justice.
If you're a Democrat, imagine that the Republicans would be deciding Court Rules.
If you're a Republican, imagine that the Democrats would be deciding Court Rules.
Either way, it's probably not a very comfortable picture – especially if you end up looking to the court system for justice or to protect your rights.
In the case of CACR 26, the "conservative" vote is to keep our Constitution just the way it is. The system of checks and balances between the Legislature and the Court system has worked for the past two centuries. It's protected our rights through Republican-led Legislatures – and sessions when the Democrats were in control.
Giving the Legislature control of the Court system wouldn't work. Maintaining the "balance of power" between branches of the government does.


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We're looking to help consumers choose the best alarm system for their home by eliminating the noise that companies put out there to confuse consumers.
Washington, DC (PRWEB) October 16, 2012
Protection1 was recently reviewed by the home security experts of AlarmSystemReport.com. This company met AlarmSystemReport.com's strict minimum requirements and was given a full review by the independent experts AlarmSystemReport.com employs for its rankings.
The home security experts found that Protection 1 had many great home security solutions to offer their customers. They were impressed by Protection1's customer service, pricing, and wireless capabilities. The experts found that Protection1 had fantastic wireless home alarm systems to offer their customers. This is important because many other companies have fallen behind in this category. Because of this, Protection1 was able to secure a spot within AlarmSystemReport.com's general reviews as well as their wireless system reviews.
How The Review Process Works
Each year, AlarmSystemReport.com hires experts to secretly audit the top home alarm system companies. They'll test all of the solutions from each particular company and will report their findings to the owners of Alarm System Report. Protection1 was found to have a diy alarm system, a wireless system, and even a cellular system. As a result, the experts had to review and rate each particular system. This company also offers monitoring packages in multiple areas, so experts had to be employed in a wide variety of areas as well.
AlarmSystemReport.com knows that different areas may provide different service to their users, so they make sure to test a few different areas from each company. This gives AlarmSystemReport.com the ability to rank company's by their service in each state as well as by their overall service. It makes them a more complete alarm system review site that can provide unbiased reviews in a wide variety of areas.
Once a company has been reviewed, they'll stay within the rankings until the website does their reviews again. AlarmSystemReport.com likes to do their reviews often and will remove any companies that fail to meet AlarmSystemReport.com's requirements. They also do an annual alarm system review, so people know that the site will never be completely out of date.
After visitors read the reviews on AlarmSystemReport.com, they can then go ahead and get quotes from all of the top companies without ever having to leave the site. This is done by clicking on the "compare quotes" button and filling out a short form. The form only takes a minute to fill out and it can save visitors up to 35% on their next alarm system purchase.
To take advantage of AlarmSystemReport.com's special pricing, please visit their website.


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NEW YORK (May. 21)
Failure of the American denazification program has resulted in the blossoming forth of a "Germany renazified" and made Germany "the real winner in the cold war thus far," the Anti-Defamation League declared in a report made public today by New York Suprems Court Justice Meier Steinbrink, national chairman of the League. The report includes a pull of American public opinion taken during the past month which declares that the American public recognizes the failure to democratize Western Germany. The poll was conducted by the National Opinion Research Center.
Two-thirds of American adults, the survey reveals, believe that Germans cannot be trusted to be denocratic and peaceful at present. A plurality of Americans believe that former Nazis are coming back to positions of influence in Germany. Judge Steinbrink urged the State Department to adopt a positive program which has the endorsement of the Coordinating Council for a Democratic Germany, composed of 17 leading American organizations including the C.I.O., Americans for Democratic Action, American Civil Liberties Union and the Congregational Christian Service Committee.


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An Ayurvedic Approach to Seasonal Changes
by Jessica Hunt
Ayurveda, the sister science of yoga, gives us guidelines for how to live in a state of balance, peace, and happiness. Through healthy diet and lifestyle routines, we can maintain balance and preserve health.
In the Ayurvedic system, seasonal changes are believed to be a contributing factor to imbalance and disease. By recognizing these changes and adapting our lifestyle accordingly, we have the tools to maintain harmony with nature.
The first step to maintain health and balance is to have a consistent sleep schedule. The best time to wake is early in the morning around sunrise. At this hour, the mind is alert and focused which makes an ideal time to fit in your yoga or meditation practice. Read More…


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Organize your favourite listings
Sign up to keep track of your favourite spaces and revisit them later.
1,100-2,200 sq. ft. (more or less) of 2nd floor corner office space improved with seven (7) offices, reception, boardroom and utility/storage room. Free surface parking. Exposure to Chippewa Road and one block off busy Baseline Road and Broadmoor Boulevard.


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Investigators from Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine have identified a unique modification to a gene linked to stress reactions that may potentially lead in the near future to a blood test to evaluate a person's risk of attempting suicide.
Their findings were published July 30 in The American Journal of Psychiatry.
The researchers found changes in a gene regulating the brain's response to stress hormones that may help doctors determine who may be at risk for suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
"Suicide is a major preventable public health problem, but we have been stymied in our prevention efforts because we have no consistent way to predict those who are at increased risk of killing themselves," said lead author, Zachary Kaminsky, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. "With a test like ours, we may be able to stem suicide rates by identifying those people and intervening early enough to head off a catastrophe."
Researchers evaluated a specific genetic mutation in a gene known as SKA2. Comparing brain samples from healthy people and those with psychiatric ailments, investigators found that levels of SKA2 were greatly diminished in those who committed suicide.
In the SKA mutation, researchers identified an epigenetic modification, or addition of specific molecule, that changed SKA2 gene function, but left the gene's underlying DNA sequence unchanged. The specific aforementioned change added methyl groups to the gene. It turns out that higher levels of methylation were subsequently noted in the same study participants whom had committed suicide. The higher levels of methylation, seen in persons whom committed suicide, were then observed in two independent groups of patients who were evaluated in the study.
Another part of the study involving 325 participants found similar methylation increases at SKA2 in individuals with suicidal thoughts or attempts. Their model analysis accurately predicted--with 80 percent certainty—those with suicidal thoughts or attempted suicide. Participants with a higher risk for suicide had a 90 percent accuracy based on results. And based on the results of blood tests, researchers were able to predict with 96 percent accuracy those persons who had attempted suicide.
The SKA2 gene, expressed in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, is involved in inhibiting negative thoughts and controlling impulsive behavior. SKA2 is specifically responsible for allowing stress hormone receptors into a cell's nuclei to perform its function. If there isn't enough SKA2, or it is altered in some way, the stress hormone receptor is unable to suppress the release of cortisol throughout the brain. Previous research has shown that such cortisol release is abnormal in those who attempt or complete suicide.
Kaminsky reasoned that a test based on the findings in this research could potentially be utilized to predict future suicide attempts in those who suffer from mental illness. It might also be used to limit availability of firearms among those at risk, and to make decisions about the urgency for evaluation and intervention in those at risk for suicidal behaviors.
Kaminsky also explained that it would likely be valuable for the military to check soldiers for the gene mutation that could place them at higher risk. Those who are at risk could then be more closely monitored when they returned home after deployment. A blood test used to detect the at-risk gene might also be valuable in the emergency department to assess risk for suicide in patients presenting with concerning symptoms and unknown to medical providers.
"We have found a gene that we think could be really important for consistently identifying a range of behaviors from suicidal thoughts to attempts to completions," Kaminsky said. "We need to study this in a larger sample but we believe that we might be able to monitor the blood to identify those at risk of suicide."
One expert agreed that the findings of this study may offer the potential for clear advances in the future.
"Dr. Guintivano and his colleagues have elegantly demonstrated how much the field of psychiatric and behavioral genetics has evolved over the last ten years, said Dr. Aaron Krasner, Adolescent Transitional Living Program Service Chief at Silver Hill Hospital in New Canaan, CT.
"With increasingly sophisticated technology, more nuanced appreciation of the science of genetic signaling, and more refined clinical phenotypes, the finding that increased methylation at SKA2 among suicide decedents merits attention, replication, and represents a significant contribution to the enormously challenging scientific project of correlating biological underpinnings to complex human behaviors," explained Krasner.
"Aside from the elegant science, Dr. Guintivano interrelates and elucidates three crucial, and clinically relevant principles in his paper: the biological basis of epigenetics (i.e., the nature/nurture debate), the need to utilize clinical samples in the suicide field (which is a huge challenge), and the lucid but chronically elusive link between the mind and the body," (i.e., psychoendocrinology), added Krasner.


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What does viscount mean?
Definitions for viscountˈvaɪˌkaʊnt
Here are all the possible meanings and translations of the word viscount.
Princeton's WordNet
(in various countries) a son or younger brother or a count
a British peer who ranks below an earl and above a baron
A member of the peerage above a baron but below a count or earl.
Webster Dictionary
an officer who formerly supplied the place of the count, or earl; the sheriff of the county
a nobleman of the fourth rank, next in order below an earl and next above a baron; also, his degree or title of nobility. See Peer, n., 3
Origin: [OE. vicounte, OF. visconte, vescunte, F. vicomte, LL. vicecomes; L. vice (see Vice, a.) + comes a companion, LL., a count. See Count.]
A viscount or viscountess is a member of the European nobility whose comital title ranks usually, as in the British peerage, below an earl or a count and above a baron.
Chaldean Numerology
The numerical value of viscount in Chaldean Numerology is: 8
Pythagorean Numerology
The numerical value of viscount in Pythagorean Numerology is: 6
Images & Illustrations of viscount
Translations for viscount
From our Multilingual Translation Dictionary
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Fresh snow overnight. Riding the Pugsley is eating flourless chocolate cake covered in awesome sauce followed by sipping a cappuccino in a tiny cafe in Florence.
I made first tracks pretty much everywhere I went this morning. Challenging in a few spots – wind blown drifts a foot deep across the trail… but overall a good ride. There was some hike a bike up the steeps and through some deeps. Dropped to 6 PSI in the tires. The low pressure really settled down the steering on choppy trail covered in fluff.


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23AndMe is a Personal Genome Service where you can journey through your DNA and take advantage of exclusive genealogy and health features. Here you can test for over 100 traits and diseases. 23AndMe's mission is to be the world's trusted source of personal genetic information.


text:
|Oracle FAQ
|Your Portal to the Oracle Knowledge Grid
Home -> Community -> Mailing Lists -> Oracle-L -> Its back!!! Metalink search
That cute little text entry field appears to be back on the main screen at Metalink....
Coming Soon! "Oracle Insight - Tales of the OakTable"
"GIVE a man a fish and he will eat for a day. But TEACH him how to fish, and...he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"
Original text of this message


text:
With Apps / Mobile growth, things are changing at a fast pace in the eCommerce / mCommerce space in India & around the world; for purpose of simplicity – calling it eCommerce without bothering about on which platform the transaction happens on.
The world is fast discovering web on smartphones, gets on-boarded to services like WhatsApp & Facebook, doing their first online transactions on Mobile Recharge services like FreeCharge & Paytm, and evolving to eCommerce, On-Demand Services & Travel. Unlike the previous predictions made in 2011/2012 – which were very company specific, this time the focus is largely around the trends in the Mobile App world.
The (App) World is Flat!
In old days of Internet Marketing, there were strategies to acquire users / customers by categories through multiple marketing channels – Adwords, SEO, Email, Display advertising, etc
The App World is flat. Be it large commerce startups like Flipkart, Snapdeal, Ola, Uber or the ones that were launched yesterday in any space, the common ground for everyone to get started today is exactly the same – getting the App Installed. This is disruptive in many ways – if someone has $1 Mn to spend on user acquisition – no matter at what stage / scale a startup is, the cost to get the app installed now remains the more or less similar for everyone.
As other core functions of eCommerce like Logistics, Merchants, Payments get more organised & commoditised; and User Acquisition starts with getting the app installed – a new ecommerce marketplace startup that launches today with $5 Mn Series A investment has much better chance to succeed than ever before or give existing large players good competition.
That puts everything in a interesting perspective – As cost is exactly the same, what are the differentiators? Its the core value proposition of the startup – the one communicated before user installs the app and one actually delivered. This change makes every startup focus a lot on building a great product and an awesome consumer experience than ever before!
Discovery, Marketing & Product Experiences:
In the 'web' world, Google allowed marketers to reach 'users with intent' through Adwords (or SEO) and so did Facebook to reach a certain demographic of users on its platform. This has changed fast. For high growth mobile startups that are scaling up in India – Google & Facebook's share of marketing spends is shrinking when compared to others.
App Installs plays a level playing field in User Acquisition today; networks & affiliates are able to drive App Installs at better volumes with very competitive rates when compared to Google, Facebook or Twitter. Discounts, cashbacks & user driven growth form new means of acquiring users at a exponential rate. Share of wallet from marketing spends for Google & Facebook is going down.
Any consumer app like Flipkart / Snapdeal or Google / Facebook can now read multiple signals off user's phones – apps, locations, contacts, texts messages, and so on and redefine how users are targeted for advertising. Flipkart's plans to build online advertising business are well known; could be huge opportunity if kept independent.
Mobile App capabilities can also translate into building relevant product experiences for end users. For example – a Cleartrip trying optimise its Hotel Booking Offering for users when it reads a Flight Booking SMS from Airline website on user's phone; Housing showing financing options for house from HDFC knowing that the user has the HDFC Bank App installed on phone; or Flipkart showcasing user products based on how quickly they can be delivered; of a Finance App recommending user investment options based on his Account Balance and so on. In one of my recent conversations this came up – today a user's mobile phone location is his delivery address.
Till now, Ecommerce products today have just transformed from web to app, not essentially unlocked the value the mobile platform brings. If existing players don't innovate, some new startups will. Focus on building awesome products.
App Discovery will evolve:
App Discovery and Install today act as the top of the funnel for every User Acquisition effort. Visiting a App Store to download any app is a redundant step; its not required if app is discovered through other channels. Expect Google Play to take the Install button (or trigger) outside the Google Play Store and let users install apps without explicitly visiting the Play Store in background. If that happens, expect APIs that will trigger app installs for publishers & advertisers making user acquisition & advertising dollars more efficient. Yes – that possibly kills ASO, App Discovery as we know of today on App Store, and Google's Adwords product for Play Store.
Mobile Apps ecosystem is cursed with high uninstall rates. Users & Marketers would want to move towards the philosophy – you acquire user only once, does not matter through which channel – App Store or Browsers. Users would want the product / service on-demand on every platform – Smartphone or Desktop Browser whenever they want without hassles of user / account management. Expect browsers integrations & enhanced capabilities on Chrome with App Stores (Google Play to start with) that enables users to access the Apps installed on their smartphones on desktop or any other platforms without having to log-in separately.
App Stores like Google Play or Apple iTunes will also evolve from their current stage of 'enabling discovery of mobile apps' to 'authentication of user credentials'. App Stores will retain user information – personal details, payment info (saved cards or wallet), delivery details and so on to transform into 1-click authentication platforms. Example – Users while shopping on Snapdeal, Flipkart or Amazon Mobile App can do 1-click checkout with App Store authentication that gives the Ecommerce service all user information w/t payment information data that is required for Ecommerce sites to fulfil the transaction.
This is something similar to what Facebook did earlier where Apps & Games on Facebook Platform received user information on Login-with-Facebook. Its still early days for Mobile App Stores, they will evolve in big way going forward.
Note: Google is already working in this direction to distribute Install action with App Invites (Beta)
Engagement v/s Instant Gratification:
As consumers get habituated to transactional & on-demand services – social products & social commerce products (like Wishberg – my previous startup) or any other would find it extremely difficult now to scale up or grow without providing the instant gratification experience.
Existing large companies in this space are picking up clues and started to move towards a transactional experience with Buy buttons. To ecommerce companies, working with large networks for such 1-click transaction experiences is a big win.
Expect focus of large social networks (Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, etc) & discovery channels (Google, Pinterest, etc) to move from top of the funnel (i.e. product discovery or media spends) to bottom of the funnel (enabling transactions or margins). They are currently driving Mobile Installs or Traffic for their current advertisers, going forward may be looking at driving customers. Such products or services know more about users than anyone else.
Products like Facebook, Google will retain customer information (delivery, location & saved card details) and move towards enabling the one-touch buy experience.
Frequency is all that matters now!
This topic itself calls for a longish post (may be for some other time), for now the point to note is that Mobile App makes perfect use-case for a high frequency consumer behaviour. There are already many studies that have concluded that consumers prefer to have only few apps on their smartphones – ones that are frequently used.
Apps like WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram etc which see extremely high engagement (and frequency) are less likely to be uninstalled by user while an app that is not used for few weeks (or even days) is very likely to get uninstalled. Ecommerce products would not be able to match levels of usage demonstrated by Social Apps.
Transactional apps that have a daily / weekly use case like Cabs, Food Delivery, Grocery, etc would see better usage compared to others. As that gets discovered, expect Ecommerce apps to expand into multiple categories / segments that could be completely diverse – Paytm moving to eCommerce or Travel, Ola moving to Food Delivery and so on to drive frequent usage.
This strategy works well with two big motives – increases app usage as users have more reasons to open & engage with the app and also adds up to their topline. But for vertical commerce players like Home Repairs, Home Furnishing, Jewellery, Footwear or others – surviving in App World with infrequent usage will be extremely challenging.
Today, Success or Failure of any startup is just an uninstall away!
OnDemand Services may disrupt eCommerce forever.
In past few months, many on-demand services have raised massive Series A rounds, the ones focussing on infrequent use-cases like Home Repairs, etc will start struggling with user retention and other ones who are driving high frequency use-cases like groceries, food delivery will start bleeding because of poor unit economics.
Ecommerce today as we know it has its own challenges – relying on third party logistics, depending on unverified sellers & products, deep discounting of products to drive volumes and their attempts to move from cash on delivery to cashless transactions.
On other hand, offline retailers in India are up in arms against online players but have little competition to offer. If OnDemand services like Groffers, Swiggy and others in this on-demand space started delivering users Ecommerce products partnering with your offline retail giants and local stores – eCommerce changes in this country forever.
No more waiting for even for 24-48 hours, the product that you want, from the trusted store of your choice, in the payment mode of your choice, in your hand – in next 30 minutes. The Amazon Prime or Flipkart First experience delivered to you, every time. This changes everything we have learned or known about 'traditional ecommerce'.
Concluding Notes
Mobile app & growth story is just getting started. Its too early to declare winners because the App World is Flat!


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Sergei Makovetsky is imaginary sick
Only twice this season showed his new premiere of the theatre. Vakhtangov — "the Imaginary patient" Moliere directed by French Director of Romanian origin Silviu Purcarete. Comedy classic hit the theater of the absurd, which, in turn, has highlighted the absurdity of today. Observer "MK" only came on the pre-show.
Sergei Makovetsky and Maria Berdinskikh. Photo: Valery Myasnikov.
Scene naked, naked like a hussy. From the depths of something majestically stands in the feathers, lush pants and silk stockings. Of course, with the Majesty follows the procession. It prisela, slowly, like in slow motion, pulled off a red wig in red curls, walked over to the mirror and in the mirror a tired man. He only played the play, undresses completely, puts on something else, takes up the play. Sits in a chair and a hoarse voice reads about clisteri, that is the enema, which are assigned to him by the doctor, plus another five klasterov to release… And you don't notice the moment when the artist crossed the border and were in another space. And became a hectic gentleman Argana in the space of Moliere "the Imaginary invalid" directed by well known in Europe directed Purcarete invited in by the Vakhtangov theatre Rimas Tuminas — only true talent is not afraid of competition. The design of Moliere's plays, and complex and simple at the same time. Similar to a box in which several different-sized boxes, and even with secrets and a double bottom. Here the main character, played by Sergei Makovetsky, knows the secrets, holds them all and easy, stress-free moves from one space to another, doing maneuvers, from which breathtaking. It Mr. Argan is sick, terminally ill, circle Dr pills and listyami, the young wife with the expectation of the inheritance after the death of the old wife, cheeky-saucy maid, a couple of lovebirds, silent brother of the patient — they all exist as if in the theater of the absurd. Despite the fact that the first output of the hero is the Museum and suiting the character, the tone it sets is quite different: the absurdity of unreality in the present day. Long ago I on our stage has not seen and has no sense of theatre in its main sense, where everything is easy and theatrical, tricks, irony, balancing between farce, Commedia Dell'arte and psychological drama and theater of the absurd. The audience laughs, although this is clearly not a sitcom. And artists unfold and unfurl before the viewer the luxury of the theater, as an expensive carpet, Maria Berdinskikh, Tomycine Olga, Sergei Epishev, Alexander Lysenkov, Mikhail Vaskov, Evgeniy Kosyrev, Oleg Makarov, Maria Volkova, Oksana Surkova.
After the performance I spoke with Sergey Makovetsky already in his dressing room. He did not agree with me that it is the theater of the absurd.
Is Marisha, good the European theater, " he says, wiping herself in front of the mirror with a towel. Is the ease of which we spoke Silviu, the simplicity of presentation in the style of a French author. And not a sitcom, not Ostrovsky, Gogol and don't Saltykov-Shchedrin is Mr. Moliere, which implies it is watercolor, not a fat oil paint. The Director is very talented, we talked about his vision of such a piece of improvisation.
Mikhail Vaskov and Evgeniy Kosyrev. Photo: Valery Myasnikov.
So on the stage there are dressing rooms tables, therefore, can be directly on the stage to change clothes, to make-up. Here you can enter the scene and out of her, drink a Cup of coffee, roughly speaking, or to smoke a cigarette. Performance-improvisation, rehearsal as if, like Moliere with his troupe rehearsing a play.
— On the theatre of molière can only be judged by the abandoned documents, memories. The rest is assumption, as it were.
"But one can imagine how they managed in a week to repetirovali new play by Moliere, he quickly handed the role — and went before the king is ready to play Comedy. Therefore, my role involves: if I see any escutcheon, can stop the action.
For example, I forgot the text?
— Not text. So it was on one run of the room where there is a kind of substance (you call it "spider-woman"), one of the girls leg fell into the hole of the curtain. I'm on the run right said, "Stop!", stopped the music and after some time the room was fine. I'm allowed this: I am the actor playing Moliere, in turn playing the imaginary invalid. I'm not a king in the crown with the feathers — I shoot this magnificent headdress and I was in the space of an abandoned theater. The tired actor who played a character, and now on the table, he is a new play, and he changes clothes and gets to work — improvisation "Imaginary invalid". It's surprisingly subtle, intelligent theatre, we were offered Silviu Purcarete. Hence, spider-woman, doctors from the boxes — but in another theater, they would just come out of the scenes.
— The text is about medicine so relevant in the second act…
Is the text of Moliere, nothing thrown away.
— Why does it sound so relevant today?
— True, because at that moment the brother of argan says: "I want to show you a play by Moliere. And suddenly the lights went on in the hall: and here look, where the play of Moliere — in room or on stage?
— In the play a lot of tricks, witty, unexpected. It is technically difficult to play such a performance?
— No, it is very light, if it is to play, as requested by the Director, with drive, with passion, but very simple, nothing complicating, flexing internally, emotionally. "I suggest you do it's very simple, so you're not tired," he repeated to us at rehearsals. Small imperfections of this performance (we did not have enough time) is dearer to me, and do not try to improve it", — he said after the first run. From this simplicity, you need to have fun.
For example, from the enema, about which we hear in the play.
— Including from the enema. This theatre, Mr. Moliere. The play is not gagovski — Comedy, with enough of a smile, although the hall laughing. And our task — not to go on about. If we go, we will lose.
Himself, Mr. Moliere, having played four of the play "the Imaginary invalid", came home, and his throat gushing blood. And not one doctor it has not come. And look here — in this piece he guessed his demise, as a genius, or was it a premonition? Indeed, in his monologue is: "And I'm so certainly with it will. If I were a doctor, I would have deprived him of all assistance. I'd tell him: "Die, die". Next time will know how to mock the medicine. The way it happened. So he's in his Comedy beat and lung disease, and his death. So what Homeric laughter can there be? Here are my feelings of this amazing performance of "the Imaginary invalid" directed by Silviu Purcarete.
The premiere of "Imaginary invalid" will play September 12 — at the opening of the new season.Related posts:


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Title: Leftovers
Author: moi
Rating: R (little language-y)
Spoilers: S1, eps 1-11
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. If I owned, Jack would be in the TARDIS, bare foot and pregnant where he belongs.
Archive: Feel free, just drop me a line so I know (my ego is like that)
Beta: Apologies to my long-suffering beta, I had postitus. Again. Encouragement provided by darkbunnyrabbitXYZ
Jack was more bored than hungry. The hub was empty, dark and quiet, the buzz of the electronic equipment and the occasional hum of the refrigerator were about all he had to fill the silence since the music had run out about thirty seconds prior. Somewhere in the distance, if he listened hard enough, he could hear the needle sliding against the paper label of the album.
As he dug around the various take away containers, he found something that looked vaguely Chinese-y and contemplated how he really ought to flip the record over, if only to stop the wear and tear the poor thing was already suffering. The record itself was older than dirt; he only kept it because the high level of surface noise of the shellac record over the orchestra was somehow comforting on these long nights when a chill ran through the hub and the quiet was maddening. The glue holding the paper label on was dried up and beginning to fail, one of these nights the scraping needle would sheer it clean off.
Grabbing a fork, he opened the box, being sure to sniff the contents before walking down to the main floor of the hub to deal with the record player. No one packed a lunch here. That was ten extra minutes of sleep in the morning, which was usually well-needed; their nights tended to be long and tiring.
Of course, packing a lunch meant that there was food at home, and if he knew Owen and Tosh's habits, grocery shopping was very low on the priority list. Ianto was anal, er, thorough enough to have some sort of schedule, or pay to have it delivered, and it was just the sort of mundane domesticity that Gwen would flock towards. But what it left him with was a refrigerator full of abandoned meals and little else to do during his alleged 'down time.'
Picking past the peppers and going straight for the beef, Jack gave an appreciative grunt. It was strangely good cold. After flipping the phonograph and starting it going again, he began to wander around with his food, dodging the peppers as he attacked the cold and coagulated onions and meat.
Between bites, he conducted with the tip of his fork, thinking back to a simpler time. Women were women, men were men and with some fast talking, he could have them both in his bed by nine. Pressed cotton shirts, well-made trousers with deep pockets, A-line skirts and soft white blouses, red lips and red finger tips, dance halls, chocolate bars and ham salad sandwiches.
And sexism, and racism and every other ism one could think of. War, truly frightening additives in the foodstuffs, questionably clean water and even sadder medical care than these 'more complicated' times.
It wasn't really even that—every time was different and had its own problems and a revolving door of both good and bad values. That was something he'd learned in just a few months of being a Time Agent.
He just missed it. There'd been something very…home-like about that era, in a bitter-sweet kind of way. He'd found Estelle one time around, but had to leave her due to circumstances beyond his control. Another time, he'd found the crude makings of a family, also abandoned due to circumstance.
Picking around the box until all the good stuff was gone, Jack stared up at the shadowy figure darting around the top of the hub. Even the pterodactyl didn't want to have anything to do with him tonight. The thing was like a cat—it only bothered with Jack when it wanted fed.
He spent enough damned time down here alone that you'd think he'd be over it, but the nights wore on him whenever he ran out of things to do, or his mind simply couldn't take the grind any more and shut off from the more difficult tasks of keeping this place afloat. The day-to-day operational stuff didn't happen on its own, and it wasn't like he had the support staff they had in London.
Fucking London. The Cardiff office was a bit ragtag and they managed to create some of their own problems, but the London office was a goddamned amateur hour in comparison. Ok, so Owen had tried seducing people with alien aftershave. Yvonne Hartman had opened the fucking Rift somewhere there wasn't even a weak point, had nearly destroyed the world with both Daleks AND Cybermen, and had killed Rose Tyler.
Comparatively his team was a bunch of fucking geniuses.
London had gotten too big for its britches, first of all. They were Torchwood One. They had been there the longest. This meant they got the funding and the facilities. And actual windows. They also had the time to build up the biggest bureaucratic clusterfuck he'd seen this side of The Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire.
At first, it had been kind of nice, being so far away from London, and basically being ignored by them. Sure it wasn't too great for his fiscal resources, but it saved him paperwork and explaining. He was only here for the rift, after all, and the Cardiff branch wouldn't exist without his insistence that the rift be monitored. They'd wanted him in London and had made him quite a lucrative offer, but he'd had his heart set on Cardiff. First, he didn't want to run into the wrong version of the Doctor or Rose, considering how much the Doctor seemed to hang out in London (vacation homes for Time Lords, he reasoned), and he had a higher chance for encountering the right version of the Doctor here, next time the Time Lord stopped for a fill-up.
And those bastards in London had just always bothered him. Paperwork, mandatory sexual harassment seminars, office picnics…
Of course, Gwen might not have made such a huge mistake on her first day with Torchwood, had she been through the type of boring but compulsory three week training class required by the London branch. Safety first, chain of command, retirement investing, if it's alien it's ours.
No, he didn't demand that kind of shit from his employees. It was possible having policies and actual standards could cut out some of the problems they seemed to have, but His meetings with Yvonne Hartman had always left him feeling dirty in that special way that made him want to be as different from London as possible. It was also part of his subversive nature—they did it that way, they were technically the lead group, therefore if he COULD get away with running his ship differently, he would.
Finding another record to put on, Jack gathered up his mess—used napkin, fork, box of decimated Chinese and wandered back to the kitchenette for some more coffee. It had been sitting there since Ianto had left the night before, and it was liable to be acidic, burnt and slightly rank, but coffee was coffee, in any case. It gave his hands something to do while he was wandering around, checking on some of his long-term experiments. Nothing wrong with a little boredom eating, he supposed.
All the shit they went through aside—Jack wouldn't trade the way he did things. What the hell good had Torchwood One's regulations gotten them? They'd screwed up far worse than his team ever had. A couple of rift accidents were nothing compared to Cybermen AND Daleks. That bitch Yvonne Hartman had fucked over Earth pretty damned good, and the body count had been far higher than anything that should have been instigated by an allegedly professional secret organization.
Or, hell, just look at any of the other retarded projects London had going—like taking over the long-abandoned UNIT project to drill to the Earth's core. THAT couldn't end well. The idea sounded ludicrous, and apparently he was the only one that realised that.
He wasn't proud of what Suzie had done, or any of the other costly mistakes made by Torchwood Three, but it hadn't been Cybermen and Daleks. Still—he had recognised then the dark path they were on the verge of travelling down, if he didn't do SOMETHING to change the dynamic of the organisation. One had gotten so full of itself, it had begun doing things simply because it could. THAT was what the ghost shifts had been about. And Torchwood One was now fifteen abandoned floors of an office building with blood smears on the walls.
Is own team…somehow in their effort to arm and protect Earth, they'd lost sight of the thing that made up the larger unit of that which they were trying to protect—people. He still couldn't say they were a customer service oriented organisation, but at least they tried to do a little good now and again.
That's what Gwen was there for. Something to shake things up, knock them out of their 'if it's alien, it's ours' mentality. It was great for teamwork that they all pretty much had the same opinions on things, but it was shit for checks and balances. He'd hated London, the way they did things, and their constant interference, but they at least had the occasional outside opinion. Without Torchwood One looking over their shoulder, they had no one, not even a shitty group with similar ambitions to make them rethink themselves.
Pulling back the stasis shielding on a row of plants in various states of growth, Jack checked heights and water saturations, before putting everything back as it was. He hadn't gotten it quite right, yet. Growth had been nearly halted, but it hadn't been stopped completely. He'd have to keep tweeking.
The truth was—Gwen, or anyone else for that matter, may have benefited from London's formal training program. But in Gwen's case, she'd have never made it that far. A group like that can be as choosy as it wants, and what does it need with a former police woman with enough curiosity, decent detecting skills and a genuine interest in people? They'd have taken one look at her lack of formal education (everyone at the London office had at least two advanced degrees) and tossed her resume in the recycling bin.
Of course, look at his people WITH multiple degrees. Owen had been sent to Cardiff after a bit of a sexual harassment witch hunt (really, hadn't he watched the training videos? Didn't he know it wasn't allowed). His skills were being ignored simply because he was a crass, crude smartass who couldn't keep his hands out of other people's pants (Jack could sympathise, he felt he never got a fair shake from the Time Agency for that reason).
Toshiko, on the other hand, he'd cherry picked because her skills were being underutilized. Since she was shy and a tad anti-social, she was relegated to liaising with UNIT and working with all the data they managed to pry out of the other group. She'd have never moved up, due to her lack of field rating. They'd have also never trained her for fieldwork simply because she had no prior qualifications (bureaucracy didn't really have a place for people without silly pieces of paper which said they could do things). Jack managed to correct the problem with her (and later on with Gwen) in a matter of a few days, and now she was invaluable and fast-thinking in the field.
She and Owen weren't 'company men' the way crazy Yvonne preferred, but they were also capable of accomplishing more, and in a shorter period of time than their entire counterpart departments 'back home' Despite being 'high maintenance' and occasionally making mistakes London agent might not have, he wasn't sorry to have them.
Especially since they'd be dead, if they'd have stayed in London. In light of that, Owen fucking someone assigned to him as a case project and Toshiko telling office secrets to a sultry evil alien were things he could clean up after and deal with.
Besides, due to the way Torchwood One used to conduct itself, the organisation as a whole was worst-kept secret in the world. Fortunately he'd thought to tack on the 'special ops' subtitle to the group when he'd gotten to Cardiff, otherwise not only would their existence be known, but so would their true purpose. Throw around a few more words like internal security and anti-terrorism anything, and people'd let you into just about anywhere without a question—including that meat packing plant they'd driven a Krek Beast out of that one time.
Which brought him to Ianto. Did Ianto hate him? Did Ianto not hate him? Probably depended on the day, which way the wind was blowing and whether Jack could resist the urge to slap the younger man's ass or not.
Jack checked the temperature and pressure gauge on the jar containing his prize possession. Owen thought it was a demented, macabre fascination with the hand, and that he should get help. Jack thought Owen should mind his own business.
It looked like Ianto was still dusting the bio-jar, even though he'd asked the other man not to. He didn't want any of the settings bumped or the preservation mode changed in any sort of way. The hand could be nothing, or it could be everything. Either way, he wasn't going to let something happen to it.
Ianto. Ianto was such a difficult person to get a handle on. There was the 150 IQ, the obsessive-compulsive neat streak, the way he looked in a suit, the way he made coffee, and…that other thing.
The thing that probably made Ianto need therapy even more than Jack did. Not the hiding the half-cyberised girlfriend in the basement thing, either. In the proper context, Jack could almost understand that. It was that part of being a branch director's personal assistant that didn't involve coffee or sending memos.
In fact, looking at Ianto's London file, Jack had been equal parts impressed and frightened with the young man's qualifications and when the 'personal assistant' had asked to transfer to the only other functional branch (Scotland didn't count—Bob was pushing eighty and only kept up with the cataloging of all things alien because it got him away from his nutty wife a few hours a day) after the battle at Canary Warf.
He supposed it related to Ianto being a neat freak. Being a Cleaner. Need a body disposed of? Need to make it look like an accident, or need to just make the whole thing disappear, as if it had never happened? Call Ianto. He'll make you a cup of coffee while the bodies are dissolving in a vat of acid.
According to Yvonne's personal file of the incident, Ianto had once made a mass murder by hostile aliens look like a pub fire started by faulty wiring…in twenty minutes. A hundred and nineteen bodies, disposed of, and explained, just like that. Another thirty and he had plausible paper trails on the public record for why all of those unrelated people were in that pub at that particular time.
True, all Ianto did was clean up shit, but he was very good at it. You probably also didn't want to fuck with him—you'd end up dead and your life would be rewritten to make you look like a junkie or a mob hit man. And you'd never know it to look at him. It wasn't like his personal appearance says 'cold hearted bastard,' or he ever, EVER spoke of his more…specialised activities for Torchwood. Holding all that inside couldn't be healthy or good.
Yes, Jack had felt betrayed, but he'd let go of the Lisa thing. But Ianto was screwed up far worse than he was. He was just an immortal hundred and eighty four year old former Time Agent and con man who'd been abandoned in the future, had hitched a ride to the past and was missing two years of his life. He didn't hold a candle to Ianto, sometimes. Not only had Mr. Jones been doing Yvonne Hartman's dirty deeds for his entire tenure at Torchwood, but he'd been through that hellish battle with the Cybermen and Daleks and had the love of his life turned into half of a creature.
Upon retrospect, Jack had decided that it would have been easier on Ianto, had his girlfriend died, or had been fully converted. It was far crueler to see his love's face staring back from that mess of metal. It was a perversion, an echo of life that, on top of everything else, had probably made Ianto a little nutty. Ok, nuttier than he must have been before. When it came down to it, Ianto could be a cold bastard—had to be, to do his job. He'd had some small piece of his life that had been marginally normal, and it had been fucked up beyond all recognition. He'd spot the young man, just this once, the temporary leave of his judgment.
Slapping a Post-it on the jar, ordering Ianto NOT to dust it, upon pain of firing, Jack looked down at his mostly empty mug. It was cold and it tasted like shit. So far he'd been given no indication that the afterlife existed. If it did, his purgatory was sure to be filled with half-empty mugs of tepid coffee, tea, hot chocolate, cider and anything else that should be consumed while hot. He may possibly be in purgatory now.
Making one last trip to the kitchenette, Jack sighed. He could put on a new pot, he supposed, but then Ianto would act put-out when he came in. Making coffee was not a job for mere mortals. And Ianto's coffee was just better. Apparently there was some London training module that included making coffee and faking freak accidents and suicides that Jack hadn't been privy to. Or it might be a mutant power, like in the comic books.
Dumping out last night's grounds, Jack found a filter then grabbed the glass carafe from the burner. At the sink, he dumped out the leftover coffee and rinsed before refilling the pot with water. Ianto was due in any moment, and would save him from himself, of that he had no doubt.
He couldn't even make coffee in this century.
He'd adapted rather well, he'd thought. Had managed to have quite a bit of fun in a few eras that had seemed more like home than his own time, even. But somehow, in the here and now, he was a marginal personnel manager, a crappy motivator and all-round shitty boss who couldn't even make a pot of coffee as well as some kid with a penchant for disposing of bodies, a mere sixteenth of his age.
Seeing Ianto enter the hub, he made a show of getting the coffee beans. He knew his limitations. With the coffee, and with the bossing. One'd think with his knowledge of the future, and military organizations in general, he'd suck less, but it wasn't the case. If it were so, he wouldn't have done everything the exact opposite way of Yvonne Hartman just for the sake of spite.
What it came down to, Jack thought as Ianto silently took the bag of beans away from him, was that they were five people who were incredibly bad at their jobs. Owen couldn't keep his mouth shut to save his life, Tosh couldn't speak up to save her life, Gwen was not even the Torchwood type, Ianto had a bucket full of issues, and Jack wasn't any better—he was just here to find the Doctor and figure out why he couldn't die, and if he helped humanity in any sort of way, well, it made him feel like less of a shitty human being than he knew himself to be.
That being said…so far his people hadn't ripped a hole into the Void and dumped tin men and pepper pots on a defenseless world in an ignorant time—yet (it being a world of infinite possibilities, he knew better than to ever say never). They were also still alive, where as Torchwood One was a tundra, empty and frozen at that moment of final devastation. Not even clever, brilliant Rose Tyler had escaped that. They were all so very incredibly alive.
Arms folded, he watched Ianto dump the contents of the grinder into the basket, then turned around when he heard a snort from the door. "He catch you trying to make coffee again?"
Jack didn't respond to the jab. "Good morning, Owen."
In the distance, he heard Gwen and Tosh. Mostly Gwen—twittering away about what some starlet had been wearing on an awards show last night. Toshiko was just doing that smile and nod thing that indicated to him that once again she had no idea how to respond in a social situation. He gestured for both of them to come up to the kitchen, if only to save him from Owen's acerbic pre-coffee repertoire of insults.
Usually it took the team medic two cups to knock down the incivility to a mild roar. Another two after that, and he'd fly through the whole stack of files that Jack would place on his desk in the middle of the night in just a few hours.
Yeah. From a certain perspective, they were five people who were incredibly bad at their jobs—but they were doing London's job with just a handful of agents, AND the world was still in one piece, therefore, they also rocked.
They all watched the stream of coffee coming from the machine, transfixed at the sight of the dark elixir of life and hangover repellant slowly filled the bulb shaped pot. Like it held some kind of answers or wisdom.
Though, Jack supposed, at six thirty in the morning, coffee was the chemical equivalent of the Oracle of Delphi.
Toshiko breathed in deeply, the smell of the brew seeming to wake her a bit more. Owen gestured for it to percolate faster, as if he could make it do so by will alone. Seeing that Ianto was not amused, Gwen clipped Owen in the arm with her elbow.
They might be scraps—leftovers, but the Earth was in good hands with them on the job. And this morning, he didn't even mean that sarcastically.
And…they were his team. His family. He wouldn't trade a single one of them for the world.


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Model turned actor Kartik Sabharwal rose to fame as Bhavishya in Ghar ki Lakshmi Betiyaan. After this villanious psychotic act, the good looking actor has been roped in to play a lead in Zee's ...
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