text:
When you use online writing company to get help with your college workload, you risk a lot of things: your money, your reputation, grade and even your personal information. All students who look for writing services put a lot of risk. New scams appear around the web regularly and try to trick students who don't suspect it. How can you avoid these unpleasant situations? How to see the difference between a trusty company and scam activities?
Frankly speaking, it's not easy to make the right choice of a writing service. But there are some issues that help you stay away form scam companies. Among them are:
- Asking too much information. If the writing company asks the number of your bank account, social security number, your check number and any other important details, it's a bad sign. If you feel that you provide too much personal information concerning your finances, you probably are.
- Not giving full information about the services and the company itself. Scam services hide a lot of details about their operations. They usually don't show the work samples and never talk to the customers directly. The less the service tells you, the bigger the chance they are scammers.
- The entire inconsistency. If the service contradicts itself, seems disorganized and promises too many things, probably it's a scam. Reliable companies have a great level of organization and make all their procedures clear and transparent.
When choosing the writing company, consider the things mentioned above. With our pieces of advice, you can protect yourself from the danger of cooperating with online scammers. Don't put yourself at risk, think well when it comes to selecting the writing service. You can also get a lot of useful information by checking the reviews prepared by our experts. These are the ways towards the right choice.


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Stocks Hall Care Agency
Telephone: 01695 768368 or Email: Stocks Hall Care Agency
We provide short and long term staffing solutions to Nursing and Residential Care Homes in Lancashire and Wigan, and to Individuals throughout the North West.
We can provide:
- Carers
- Nurses (RGN, RMN & RNLD)
- Support Workers (Direct payments)
All our staff have undergone comprehensive pre-employment security checks and are DBS & POVA checked. They undertake appropriate training and all have experience caring for people with physical and mental health needs.
If you would like to talk to us about your individual needs and/or to arrange a visit from our Team without obligation, please telephone Stocks Hall Homecare and Agency Team on Tel: 01695-768368. Alternatively, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.com.
We are happy to provide specific rates for Carers and Nurses to meet your needs, which can be obtained by contacting our Team on the above given phone number or e-mail address.

subset: commoncrawl


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5 rooms
Seclusion, but only ten minutes away from the wellknown thermal baths of Geinberg cosy, comfortable cottage. In the district of Winten, in a sunny position, along the wooded area. For shared use: large, well-kept garden 4'500 m2 (not fenced) with flowers, meadow, orchard. Barbecue, fireplace, children's playground (slide, swing). In the house: WiFi, central heating system, washing machine (for shared use). Available: bicycles (2). Parking at 50 m on the premises. Grocery 1.2 km, restaurant, bus stop 900 m, railway station 1.3 km, outdoor swimming pool, indoor swimming pool, thermal baths 900 m, swimming bay 10 km. Golf course 20 km, tennis 900 m, riding stable 1 km, sports centre 900 m, ice field 1 km. Please note: Loading and unloading of baggage is possible at the holiday house. The complex has another 1 house for rent. NOTE: absolute requirement for dog leash. Sale of milk and eggs from a neighboring farmer. This house was built according to ecological principles. TRAVEL AND SAVING: With the guest card, you receive many local discounts, special services are offered to corporate customers. For further information please contact the owner.


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NO DEPOSIT BONUS : Zigiz is offering a limited time bonus offer to new players…To claim your Bonus, just use the image above to Register & Make your First Deposit. With this HUGE Bonus offer, Zigiz.com wants every player to feel like a high roller. Zigiz.com is consistently rated one of the Best Online Casinos, with Fast Withdrawals and a Huge Variety of Games. Treat yourself, this Zigiz Bonus offer is worth it!
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Norfolk Island
NORFOLK ISLAND, an island in the Pacific Ocean, about 800 m. E. of the nearest point of New South Wales, in 29 S., 167 56' E. It stands on a submarine tableland extending about 18 m. to the N. and 25 m. to the S., and has itself an area of 8528 acres or 13-3 sq. m. The islets of Nepean and Philip lie near it. Its high cliff-bound coast is difficult of access. With a general elevation of 400 ft. above the sea the island rises in the N.W. to 1050 ft. in the double summit of Mount Pitt. The soil, of decomposed basalt, is wonderfully fertile. The rich undulating pasture-land with clumps of trees and copses resembles a park. Oranges, lemons, grapes, passion fruit, figs, pine-apples, guavas and other fruits grow abundantly; while potatoes, onions, maize and arrowroot can be cultivated. The Norfolk Island pine (Araucaria excelsa) is a magnificent tree, with a height sometimes exceeding 200 ft. and a girth of 30. A small species of palm is known as the Norfolk Island cabbage. Treeferns are abundant. The flora is most closely associated with that of New Zealand, and the avifauna indicates the same connexion rather than one with Australia, as those birds which belong to Australian genera are apparently immigrants, while those which occur on the island in common with New Zealand would be incapable of such distant 'migration. The climate is healthy, the thermometer rarely sinking below 65 F. The island is a station of the British Pacific cable. It was discovered in 1774 by Captain Cook, and was taken by Philip King of the " Stirling " and twenty-four convicts from New South Wales. This settlement was abandoned in 1805, but in 1826 the island was made a penal settlement from New South Wales. In 1856, 194 Pitcairn islanders took the place of the convicts. Forty of them soon returned to Pitcairn Island, and the remainder deteriorated owing to intermarriage. The administration of justice by an elected magistrate was unsatisfactory. Crime was rarely punished, and debts were not recoverable. A remedy was attempted in 1896 by an improvement in the government. The island was brought under the immediate administration of New South Wales; a chief magistrate, appointed by the governor of New South Wales, took the place of the elected magistrate, and an elected council of twelve elders superseded the general gathering of the adult population. In 1867 a Melanesian mission station was established at St Barnabas, and in 1882 a church was erected to the memory of Bishop Patteson, with windows designed by Burne-Jones and executed by William Morris.
Note - this article incorporates content from Encyclopaedia Britannica, Eleventh Edition, (1910-1911)


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Pizza-Chicken Sub Sandwiches
Now Watching: {{ playlist.onNowText }}
Up Next: {{ playlist.upNextText }}
Chef's Note
"A delicious tasting pizza sub sandwich, w/seasoned grilled chicken breasts strips, pepperoni, and mushrooms in a pasta sauce. Extra vegetable toppings added."
READY IN:30mins
Ingredients Nutrition
- 3 large boneless skinless chicken breasts
- lawry's garlic salt (Coarse Ground with Parsley)
- onion salt
- ground black pepper
- 1 (26 ounce) jarprego traditional-style pasta sauce
- 1 (4 ounce) packagesliced pepperoni, cut-up
- 1 (4 ounce) can sliced mushrooms, drained
- 1 green bell pepper, finely chopped
- 1 medium onion, finely chopped
- 1 (2 1/4 ounce) cansliced black olives, drained
- 4 ounces shredded mozzarella cheese, divided
- 6 hoagie rolls, cut in half, but not all the way thru
- About 2 to 3 hours before grilling thechicken breasts, season the chicken with garlic salt, onion salt, and pepper.
- Start grilling the 3 chicken breasts.
- While grilling the chicken, chop the green pepper and onion; set aside.
- Cut-up the sliced pepperoni; place in a Dutch Oven or large saucepan.
- Add the mushrooms, and jar of pasta sauce to the pot.
- Keep warm on low heat, until chicken is done.
- When chicken is done gilling, cut into strips, and add to the pasta sauce in the pot.
- When heated through, divide equally among the 6 sub rolls.
- Top with the shredded mozzarella cheese, chopped onions, chopped green peppers, and sliced black olives.
- Serve immediately.
- Makes 6 sub sandwiches.
- Note: Chicken breasts were cooked on a gas grill.
get the genius kitchen app.
Watch on your iPhone, iPad, Apple TV, Android, Roku, or Fire TV.Learn More


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Welcome to the first playlist of 2018! Let this playlist introduce you to new artists, new comebacks and new music genres.
We begin this year with new albums from Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Charli XCX and N.E.R.D. There's also a new song from Jack White and MGMT and pay special attention Nabihah Iqbal debut album, "Weighing of the Heart" and continue to stalk Yaeji, only good things can come from her! Just check her videos and her Boiler Room performance.
See you next month!


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Curse Words' Rivera Cover Revealed & More Issues Rushed Back to Print
Image Comics has revealed Curse Words #3's Paolo Rivera cover in time to tease the legions of fans hooked on Charles Soule and Ryan Browne's hot new series. Curse Words #1 and #2 will also be rushed back to print in order to keep up with the rapidly growing audience.
From Charles Soule and Ryan Browne, Curse Words is COMING FOR YOU! A wizard has appeared in New York City, and he's casting wonderful spells, getting famous, getting rich—it's great! But it's not. This wizard has everyone fooled. He is actually an EVIL WIZARD, and EVIL THINGS are on the way. Curse Words is a gonzo modern fantasy, full of darkness, light…and MAGIC.
Curse Words #1, 3rd printing (Diamond code: JAN178370), Curse Words #2, 2nd printing (Diamond code: JAN178371), Curse Words #3 Cover A by Browne (Diamond code: JAN170724) and CURSE WORDS #3 Cover B by Rivera (Diamond code: JAN170725) will be available on Wednesday, March 22nd. The final order cutoff deadline for comics retailers is Monday, February 27th.


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Princeton, NJ
Industry: Biotech/Pharma•
Less than 5 years
Posted 380 days ago
Otsuka Pharmaceutical Development & Commercialization, Inc. (OPDC) is an innovative, fast-growing healthcare company that discovers and develops new compounds that address unanswered medical needs and advance human health. With a strong focus on neuroscience, oncology, and cardio-renal treatments, OPDC is dedicated to improving the health and quality of human life.
OPDC is a subsidiary of Otsuka America, Inc. (OAI), a holding company established in the U.S. in 1989. OAI is wholly owned by Otsuka Pharmaceutical Co., Ltd. The Otsuka Group employs approximately 42,000 people globally and its products are available in more than 80 countries worldwide.
Responsible for the design and oversight of clinical research programs and protocols for OPDC products. The incumbent will also be responsible for the clinical development of CNS compounds at different stages of development.
Additional Responsibilities:


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The role of George W. Bush's tax cuts in the current federal deficit is tremendous. Their role in corporate media's current round of deficit obsession, however, is tenuous at best. Sometimes acknowledged in editorials or op-eds, the cuts generally only make it into news reports as assertions from the White House or Democrats, rather than established and relevant economic fact.
Elite papers lately issue near daily alarms on the deficit --"gargantuan," "unprecedented," "unimaginable a few years ago." Virtually all accounts speak portentously of the costs of benefit programs like Social Security, often described as "the main causes for expanding federal spending and deficits" (Washington Post, 3/1/10) or "the major factor behind projections of unsustainably high deficits" (New York Times, 1/26/10) -- and sometimes, dismayingly, as "goodies" (New York Times, 2/7/10).
But even the most discerning reader might not suspect that, as the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities explains (2/17/10), "just two policies dating from the Bush administration -- tax cuts and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan...will account for almost $7 trillion in deficits in 2009 through 2019," impacts that "easily dwarf the stimulus and financial rescues."
A December 14, 2009 piece in the Washington Post identified the current brouhaha as a strategy of "Republicans seeking to make growing federal deficits a focal point of the 2010 elections." That awareness is missing from most Post reporting on the subject, which still has room for such things as Alan Simpson's lament (2/17/10): "How did we get to a point in America where you get to a certain age in life, regardless of net worth or income, and you're 'entitled'? The word itself is killing us."
When mention of Bush-era contributions to the present deficit occurs, it's most often in comments from presumably interested parties like Obama (Washington Post, 2/2/10) or White House budget director Peter Orszag (Washington Post, 2/1/10). Meanwhile, references to the need to curtail the White House's "lavish aspirations" (Washington Post, 1/26/10) or "the massive federal entitlement programs -- including Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security -- that threaten to drive the nation's debt to levels not seen since World War II" (Washington Post, 1/20/10) are in the reporter's own voice.
The New York Times is aware that a debate on the deficit that omits mention of Bush's cuts is disingenuous, as editorials like "The Truth About the Deficit" (2/7/10) attest. This knowledge remains hermetically sealed in the paper's editorial department, however, and MIA where it might be useful-for instance, following a statement about how "a deficit at $1.6 trillion" is a strong reason why "leading Republicans ...argued that Mr. Obama could hardly claim credit for improvements in the economy" (New York Times, 2/18/10).
A January 27 Times piece ended with the phrase, "considering much of the nation's debt is the result of spending and tax cuts during the years up to 2007 when Republicans controlled both the White House and Congress." To date, no articles have begun that way.


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Contract to Hire
A contract-to-hire job can be a win-win for both the employer and employee. These are short-term opportunities typically varying for anywhere from three months up to a year, with the opportunity to become full-time, permanent jobs at the end of the contract. This form of job is becoming more popular as companies look to try before they buy.
Contract-to-hire roles are prevalent within any industry in today's workplace and can be found in a number of job categories and roles such as accounting, marketing, sales, information technology, management, administrative, project management, and more. JobOnCloud currently specializes in hiring professionals with expertise in salesforce development, business analyst and other salesforce industry job of roles being contract-to-hire. In current time, more jobs in salesforce development, management, and business communications transition into contract-to-hire roles.
Many job seekers overlook contract-to-hire opportunities because they are searching for that permanent, full-time position with health and retirement benefits and because they fear they could be faced with a gap in employment on their resume and be forced to go without a paycheck if the contract runs out.
The contract-to-hire process typically moves fairly quickly. Before entering into a contract-to-hire situation, clients should outline the terms – how talent will be evaluated and when the contract period ends. Clients should also maintain open lines of communication and provide consistent feedback to put the talent at ease. Once a permanent position is offered and accepted, talent transition from the staffing agency's payroll to the client's payroll. Contract-to-hire offers many benefits for talent and employers when both have sincere intentions. A hybrid of temporary and direct hire, contract-to-hire is a way for clients and talent to test the waters. It allows potential employees to prove themselves to the company and see if the culture is a good fit.


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- Wujiang Jujie Microfibers Dyeing & Finishing Co., Ltd.
- China Manufacturer with main products:Microfiber Fabric Series
Unique design hot sale cotton hotel bathrobe
- USD $4 - $9 / Piece |Get Latest Price
- 300 Piece / Pieces
- 50000 Piece / Pieces per Month
- Shanghai
- T/T MoneyGram
Product Details
|Supply Type:
|OEM Service
|100% Cotton
|Fabric Type:
|Age Group:
|Yarn Dyed
|Breathable, Plus Size, Quick Dry, Thermal
|Place of Origin:
|Jiangsu, China
|Brand Name:
|Model Number:
|cotton bathrobe
Product Description
Product description
|Product name:
|100% Cotton
|Sample Lead time:
Feature of catton bathrobe
1. super absorbent, super breathable
2. luxury soft and supe light
3. more durable
4. better color fastness
5. Oeko-standard 100, BSCI
Products show
1.You are seeing a
Established in 1994, Jujie Microfibers working as a leading supplier of Microfiber series products in China over 20 years. We now have five subsidiaries, the capacity range from weaving, knitting, dyeing & finishing, cutting & sewing, packing. In 2014, our sale volume reach to 100 million US Dollars. and export accounts for 95% .
"Creating Innovate Life for People" is presented as Jujie's new vision. It means " Health, Environment and Innovative Value Creation for Humans". Based on this, we always aim to working as a good company for customers, shareholders, employees and provide health to humans and a cleaner environment to the nature and society.
1) How to contact with us?
Choose one product you interested in, and leave a message. Or see the contact details below with the sales person's photo.
2) How to buy your sofa cover?
Contact with us! inform us the item number which you are interested in , we can tell you all the information you want to know,including the price, delivery time, packing, full container capacity,etc.
3) Can you send a sample for our reference?
Yes! small samples we can send free, and you need to pay the express fees.
4)How long time you need to make the lab-dip?
5-7 working days after we received the color swathes or pantone number and confirmed with you.
5)May I have a trail order?
Of course! Trail order is necessary for new customers. our MOQ is 30-50sets per color with surcharge $100-$500 depends on different quality.
6)Can we believe you with your sofa cover?
Why not? We have our own weaving,knitting,dying,sewing mills. Obviously, we can provide you good quality fabric, good price and good service.
7)How about the payment terms?
Usually, we accept two kinds of payment. one is 30% T/T in advance as a deposit,70% remaining before the shipmemt. An other payment is L/C at sight. if you have other recommend, we can discuss.
8)What's the time of delivery?
1.About 25 producing days for fresh order. Urgent order,it could be negotiable.
9) About the MOQ?
2.ready goods:30sets
Why choose us ?
A: Capacity
We have our own knitting,weaving,dying and sewing mills. Products are produced by ourselves to reduce your total cost;
B: Design department
We have our design department , marketing and sales teams. Adhering to the concept of ecofriendly, character and comfort,to develop new designs of fabric in each season. and we will send the new sample swatches to our customers for referenc
C: Quality
100 professional QC will ensure you of highly stable quality.
D: Credit
During the past ten years, we run an excellent reputation by customers, "zero" dispute, "zero" complaint; Honored "Credit Enterprise" every year by government office;
E: Capacity
Our company is adjacent to Shanghai Port , which cost you less transportation charges in some extent; One hour drive from Shanghai Hongqiao Airport; Welcome to have a drop by.
Contact Us
- Wujiang Jujie Microfibers Dyeing & Finishing Co., Ltd.
- ContactKatie Zhang
- Phone86-512-63362526
- AddressJiaotong Road, Bache Community, Songling Town, Wujiang District
|Cleaning cloth & Mop pads
|Drawstring bag
|Fitness Towel
- wholesale sleeping bag
- Factory manufacture various bathroom cleaning cloth
- baby sleeping bag patterns
- Eco-friendly reclaimed material microfiber car cleaning towel
- Professional manufacture cheap boys bathrobes
- 100% cotton soft velvet spa robe
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- Hot sale cheap customized cotton hotel waffle bathrobe
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text:
This job is no longer available.
You can view related vacancies or set-up an email alert notification when similar jobs are added to the website using the buttons below.
You can view related vacancies or set-up an email alert notification when similar jobs are added to the website using the buttons below.
29th Dec
Service Delivery Manager
— Exciting company
Salary: £40K - £48K
Location: Bristol
Type: Permanent
Ref: 8094
- Exciting, growing company with excellent offices.
- Fantastic professional development & progression opportunities.
- Excellent bunch of people & a very supportive environment.
Service Delivery Manager needed to join a growing and very successful tech business in Bristol. You'll be joining a high performing and hardworking team who genuinely care about what they do. They are looking for someone who shares their work ethic and wants their skills to be pushed & in turn develop!
What skills you'll be needing
- You'll be experienced in a Service Delivery Manager role and be able to demonstrate the ability to undertake multiple responsibilities.
- It's expected that you'll be ITIL Qualified.
- You'll need to have excellent leadership and people management skills as well as a willingness to support and mentor junior staff. Ideally you'll have experience as a Team Lead (in house or virtual).
- Experience of managing 3rd parties and 3rd party delivered services.
- You'll need to be knowledgeable in supporting a large-scale and diverse environment of incident management, escalation procedures and related disciplines.
- Excellent customer facing/customer service skills.
- It's expected that you'll be flexible, including shift and out of hours working.
What you'll be doing
You'll be responsible for overseeing the delivery of services or service technology to the company's customers. The manager establishes policies designed to ensure consistently high service performance, monitors employees and evaluates customer feedback to develop quality improvement processes. You'll be given a general oversight over all employees involved in the delivery process and ultimately you will hold all service departments and employees accountable for carrying out the required processes and tasks. A huge factor in this role is customer service. You will need to constantly assess customer feedback and make necessary changes to improve customer experience.
What you'll get in return for your talents
You'll be joining a very supportive, friendly & sociable team who really look out for each other. The offices themselves are impressive and the atmosphere is second to none. The whole team work extremely hard, and really reap the rewards making the staff turnover very low. Everyone who works there really feels a buzz around the growth & future of the company and the company are sincere advocates of internal progression and development opportunities.
What's next
If you want to join a company that can offer you exciting work & excellent progression opportunities then send in your CV to Hannah B (01179269530).Back to jobs
This job has now been filled but you may be interested in:
12th Dec
Cloud Software Engineer
— Flexible/remote working
Salary: £30K - £60K
Location: SW Bris, Glos, Som, Wilts, Bristol, South West England
Type: Permanent
Ref: 9939
6th Dec
Full Stack PHP Developer
— Household Brands , R&D Culture
Salary: £28K-£32K
Location: Bristol
Type: Permanent
Ref: 9916
5th Dec
Java Developer
— Global brand, large-scale digital transformation
Salary: £42K - £53K
Location: Bristol
Type: Permanent
Ref: 9898
3rd Dec
Senior IT Business Analyst - Manufacturing
— Global Automotive Production Programme
Salary: to £50k + bonus
Location: Wiltshire, SW Bris, Glos, Som, Wilts, Bristol, Bath, Gloucestershire
Type: Permanent
Ref: 9732c
3rd Dec
Senior IT Business Analyst - Finance
— Global Automotive Production Programme
Salary: to £50k + bonus
Location: Wiltshire, SW Bris, Glos, Som, Wilts, Bristol, Bath, Gloucestershire
Type: Permanent
Ref: 9732b


text:
Published: N/A
Tangled Web is a resource oriented Web framework that runs on Python 3.4+.
A Tangled Web application consists of an Application, Resources, and Representations. There are no "views", "controllers", or thread locals.
The framework and this site are both under active development. Get the code here. Read the docs here.
from wsgiref.simple_server import make_server
from tangled.web import Application, Resource
class Hello(Resource):
def GET(self):
if 'name' in self.urlvars:
content = 'Hello, {name}'.format(**self.urlvars)
content = 'Hello'
return content
if __name__ == '__main__':
settings = {
'debug': True,
app = Application(settings)
app.mount_resource('hello', Hello, '/')
app.mount_resource('hello_name', Hello, '/<name>')
server = make_server('0.0.0.0', 6666, app)


text:
Issue link: http://magazine.progressivegrocer.com/i/689994
22 SOLUTIONS JUNE 2016 particularly efectively in sandwich programs. Sharing information about these types of benefts and attributes is important, says Moberly. "People hear about ancient grains but may not know why [the grains] are good for them. Retailers can demo it and tell customers about it. Education is key," he says. For shoppers seeking wholesome breads, Richard sug- gests grocerants tout bread that has been baked instore. "It can be made from a small number of ingredients, which resonates with shoppers," he says. "Studies show that more consumers are looking for products that are 'real,' meaning not made with ingredient alternatives or preservatives. And these real ingredients include sugar and other components [of breads], which some consum- ers previously avoided." Grocerant retailers should also keep in mind that diversi- ty is important when it comes to combining breads with diferent foods on the menu. "Tere's more of a 'pairings' sensibility happening with breads, such as which artisan breads may pair best with which artisan cheese, etc.," says Harvey. Steven Johnson, a Tacoma, Wash.-based restaurant and hospitality consultant and owner of Foodservice Solu- tions, says pairings on the menu provide both opportu- nities and potential challenges for operators. "Consumers expect a choice of bread, and then want to pair their pro- tein choice with the bread or the bread with protein. [But] the retailer needs to some extent to limit choice to ensure that adequate operational throughput can be achieved," he says. G Merchandising breads in new and nontraditional ways can help boost any grocerant's bread sales. Sandwich programs are obvious places to sell unique breads, says Andrew Moberly, director of fresh categories for Daymon Worldwide, but he recommends other strategies as well. "I've seen some retailers create and put out bread bowls for soups and place single-serve rolls next to prepared foods and hot bars," he says. "There are many complementary programs that can be put together, all led by the question, 'What are you solving for the consumer?'" Cross-merchandising with the supermarket instore bakery, in fact, can play a major role in driving bread sales in both the grocerant area and in other departments. "Given the important role that fresh departments play in a grocerant and how they're interconnected, it makes sense for store-baked bread to be used in other departments like deli and foodservice, as well as cross-merchandised and cross-promoted with prepared, fresh and dry products," says Eric Richard, education coordinator for the International Dairy-Deli-Bakery Association (IDDBA). "The grocerant model is to create a dynamic shopping and dining experience for customers, and having a bakery bread program that's integrated to other departments can help accomplish this." Promoting third-party or branded breads can also stimulate shopper interest in what's baking at the grocerant. Los An- geles-based La Brea Bakery, for example, provides super- markets with such premium bread varieties as three cheese semolina, toasted sunfower honey, sourdough, and rosemary olive oil. Finally, you can't beat sampling and special events to gen- erate trial and excitement among shoppers. Says Aimee Harvey, food analyst for Technomic: "Supermarkets that host tasting events for craft and artisan food and drink are also making bread part of that specialty story. You'll routinely see samples of craft beer being ofered alongside samples of artisan cheese and artisan breads." Making the sale


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The social media landscape is always changing. So, when it comes to looking at how having a profile on LinkedIn can help your job search it makes sense to have the most up-to-date information to work with. It also helps to have the guidance of an expert.
Mike Allton is an author who writes on The Social Media Hat blog. Even though his post The Ultimate Guide to a Perfect LinkedIn Profile is a year or two old, it covers the basics in enough detail that any tweaks LinkedIn has made since makes little, if any, difference to this otherwise excellent guide.
The following items are covered with easy-to-follow, step-by-step instructions:
Use a current, professional profile image
Consider premium, and then add a cover photo
What's your name, and what do you do?
Offer complete contact information
Grab a custom URL
Make sure your profile is visible
Consider a profile badge
Support additional languages
Update your connections
Update your background
Add media/links
Review skills and endorsements
Move sections around
Add/update projects
Add/update publications
Ask for recommendations and give recommendations
Regularly publish posts
Review group memberships
Daily LinkedIn activity
Getting the most out of your LinkedIn profile takes some time and effort but done properly will reap you the benefits, even after you land your next gig.


text:
Oli Gardner from Unbounce (you can find him here)
In this article Oli talks about how contact forms are a barrier to your business getting those precious enquiries. He talks through some really simple steps for improving your conversion rates.
- Make forms short and simple
- If you can take of phone numbers from contact forms
- Forms with 3 fields had the highest conversion rate at 25%
- Test – Use different wording to encourage people to take action e.g Click Here
- DON'T use submit try and aim for less intimidating language such as "Click Here" and "Go"
If you want to know more there is a great infographic from Quick Sprout.
Smriti Chawla from Visual Website Optimizer (you can find her here)
Smriti shares some valuable best practices for conversion rate optimisation. With 21 one tried and tested tips it's a great place for anyone new to conversion rate optimisation to get started with minimal risk.
There are some great take away points such as how to choose a colour for your calls to action, its not the actual colour that makes a difference it's the best contrast to the rest of your design that makes a difference.
Many conversion rate experts are recommending that the once popular image sliders should be removed, with most people landing on the correct pages it is better to have a static offer, as people have become blind to banners and ignore them.
An old post this one. Dan Zarrella (you can find him on Twitter @danzarrella)
HubSpot analysed over 40,000 landing pages. He found that by asking for a phone number in contact form was one of three fields that killed conversions rates. (Image credit to Hubspot)
On my Twitter travels this morning I saw this great little thread between mattfieldingSEO and @TheWebPsych. Simple. Well worth testing.
There we go. If you have anymore gems you think are worth reading I would love to hear about them. Here at Media Heroes, our experts can give you all the help you need for contact forms and any other aspects of your digital strategy.


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Just about everyone hates them, and I have been one of those day-haters myself.
The day is really blah because you've just had a weekend of little/no work, maybe even a really good relaxing Sunday afternoon with a nap and some time with family, and then Monday you have to rouse yourself out of bed, get your life back together and set on 'go' by the time you go to work. Or classes.
I have a very rare, and much envied schedule here at EC.
I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Monday Wednesday Friday I only have rehearsals (which I do not consider 'classes') and work. Which means I don't have to get up on Monday mornings until 11:00.
A lot of people would sacrifice something semi-significant in their lives to have this schedule, but for an UNMORNING person like myself, this schedule presents a dilemma.I could sleep in, have a slow start to the week, and make the weekend last a little longer, or I could be responsible with my time.
It's an ever-lasting struggle for me to get up in the mornings and do something productive. Just the fact that I am blogging before 10:00 is pretty crazy! So motivation is the first thing on the list for using this morning well.
In Romans there is a whole section of how a true Christian can be recognized:
Let love be genuine.
Abhor what is evil;
hold fast to what is good.
Love one another with brotherly affection.
Outdo one another in showing honor.
Do not be slothful in zeal,
be fervent in spirit,
serve the Lord
Rejoice in hope,
be patient in tribulation,
be constant in prayer.
Contribute to the needs of the saints
and seek to show hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.
Rejoice with those who rejoice,
weep with those who weep.
Live in harmony with one another.
Do not be haughty,
but associate with the lowly.
Never be wise in your own sight.
{Romans 12:9-16}
This passage goes on forever, and touches on just about every aspect of relations with everyone you will meet in life. But notice what I bolded: Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit. We are slow to get out of bed yes, because sometimes we haven't had enough sleep. But what about those days where you wake up refreshed, but stay in bed like I do for another hour or so doing nothing but think about what you have to do?
I can see where this is going to be a hard thing for me. I can always sleep in on Monday and go into rehearsal at noon with a sleepy-headed look on my face, little energy, and little preparation for the week ahead.
I could:
Wake up
Read my Bible and a devotion
Eat some breakfast!
(I never eat this meal because I usually sleep through it, or don't have anything in the room to eat)
Do some reading for class
Run errands, check mail (I have to walk across campus for this)
Any number of other little things that need to get done for the wedding.
Yeah. that looks like a good list!
Just waking up and getting the day going sooner helps me to feel motivated even more. I may be more tired at the end of the day, but it is a more satisfying kind of tired. The kind where you know you have done a lot of things in one day and haven't wasted three extra hours in bed that morning.
So, I have a question for those of you new followers and my regulars who are so sweet to comment:
What are you zealous about? What gets you out of bed in the morning? The obligation of work and classes, or the desire to serve the Lord, grow in righteousness and love for others, and do His work?
Remember, Monday's child is fair of face. So put a smile on and know that I am praying for you all as you start your week!
Now, to find my work out clothes, my choir folder, ...and a CLIF bar!


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Sewing Machine; Unknown ; Circa 1886; 1964/157/2
Waikato Museum Te Whare Taonga o WaikatoName/Title
Sewing MachineAbout this object
Sewing machine, hand operated.
In working order.
Material: All metal machine, probably iron, very heavy - base supported by 4 claw feet.
- shuttle bobbin
- very ornately decorated - gilt on black with oval polychrome (oil paint) -
illustration centre, oval shape still life of flowers
- base white porcelain handle on turning wheel
ManufacturerDate Made
Circa 1886Place Made
Sewing machine, iron metalInscription and Marks
Patents marked in one side of bobbin cover: "Patented July 26 1886? Patented Nov 12 1850, Dec 1886"Measurements
Base (max) 335 x 215mm
Height: 278mm
Sewing machine
Waikato Historical Society CollectionCredit Line
Waikato Historical Society Collection
Courtesy Waikato Museum
Te Whare Taonga o Waikato,
Hamilton, New Zealand
1964/157/2Copyright Licence
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A new first-rate project development with 99 years leasehold can be found at Jalan Kandis Road, Singapore known as the Kandis Residence. A selection between 1 to 3 bedrooms and a study room across 130 dazzling residential units. Developed by Dillenia Land Pte Ltd a subsidiary of Tuan Sing Holdings Limited showing 1 residential block with 3 storeys and another 3 blocks of 7 storeys each. its TOP completion on 2021.
A much favorable life welcomes potential tenants at Kandis Residence especially its high end in-home appliances, communal facilities and quality interior design featured in all corner of this gorgeous home. Experience a lavish metropolitan life-style just right at its door-sills. The building is specifically aforethought to offer a modernized impression leading future residents as well as passers-by stunned in awe. Embodied with grandiosity and high quality architectural designs from the facade towards the inner corners of Kandis Residence.
Don't waste the chance of grabbing a perfect home suitable for the kind of lifestyle you deserve. Jump into a very comfy bed granting you to unwind and leave the unexceptional way of living you formerly had. Own a grand abode where expectations are being transcended with pure grandness and an out of the norm level of outstanding living.
Once inside its state of the art structure is a whole lot of trendy facilities to take delight in such as a Floating Palm Deck, Lounge deck with Trellis, Bubble Pool, the Clubhouse, Bin Centre, Outdoor Generator, Kid's Pool and Children's Playground, a Fitness Lawn, Reflexology area, Fitness Station, workout gym, Bubble Pool, Function/Multipurpose room and many others.
Experience the grandness of all fine-looking unit, outlined to uplift one's desire while devouring all the consoling corners of the place. Marvel at the beauty of life staying here at Kandis Residence away from the busy noise of the metropolis.
Amenities near Kandis Residence
There will be no dull moment while staying at this new landed property especially when taking a break from work. Take your friends or love ones to a number of amenities surrounding Kandis Residence. Letting the public know about the existence of Kandis Residence, awaits one to its upcoming launch. This freehold land parcel is going to be the new landmark settled at the very promising district of Kovan where loads of favorite stops to pass by are just within reach.
Various supermarkets and shopping malls are also made available near this lavish housing development where one can get a hold of an array of amenities such as shopping centres, grocery, dining, banks and many others. Stop by at the sought after commercial centers ready to meet your lifestyle's needs. Head to the nearest Sembawang Shopping Centre, the Sembawang Mart and the Sun Plaza which are also situated nearby plus access to grocery via the Fairprice, Sheng Siong supermarket, the Cold storage in Northpoint Shopping Centre as well as the Giant Hypermarket.
Also found around the vicinity is a number of eateries that are scattered for your indulgence. Moreover, within the district is a heaps of reputable schools known in providing optimum education such as the Wellington Primary School, Canberra Primary and Canberra Secondary Schools, the Sembawang Primary and Secondary Schools, the Yishun Junior College, Republic Polytechnic and the Gems International Academy.
Kandis Residence Location
A convenient location for number serenity and coziness filled within the air. Be inspired by the beauty of the vicinity where aspirations are initiated and later on will be realized.
For easy access when it comes to travelling to and from Kandis Residence, residents can head to the Sembawang MRT station as well as the Yishun MRT and Admiralty MRT stations which is just a few minutes away. However, major roads are also well-connected to this new condo and one can drive through the Seletar Expressway (SLE), the Central Expressway (CTE) as well as the Bukit Timah Expressway (BKE).


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Proverbs 28:13 Proverbs 28:13 He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.
Everything That Seems Right Is Not Always Right
Its alright as long as you dont hurt anybody but yourself. Wrong doing hurts the Lord Heb.6:4-6 Wrong doing hurts fellow church members 1 Cor. 12:26-27 26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it. 27 Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.
Dont Go On Feelings Alone
Prov. 14:11-14 11 The house of the wicked shall be overthrown: but the tabernacle of the upright shall flourish. 12 There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. 13 Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness. 14 The backslider in heart shall be filled with his own ways: and a good man shall be satisfied from himself.
The Grass Is Not Always Greener On The Other Side Tired of my mate. My neighbors is better than mine. I wish I had what they have.
Phil. 4:11-13 11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Luke 12:13-15 13 And one of the company said unto him, Master, speak to my brother, that he divide the inheritance with me. 14 And he said unto him, Man, who made me a judge or a divider over you? 15 And he said unto them, Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
Gen. 13:7-13 7And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram's cattle and the herdmen of Lot's cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land. 8And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren. 9Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left. 10And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar. 11Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other. 12Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom. 13But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly. Lot Found Out
Taking The Wrong Turn Can Cause much sorrow And Pain Judas 2 And when they had bound Him, they led Him away and delivered Him to Pontius [a] Pilate the governor.a 3 Then Judas, His betrayer, seeing that He had been condemned, was remorseful and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, 4 saying, I have sinned by betraying innocent blood. And they said, What is that to us? You see to it! 5 Then he threw down the pieces of silver in the temple and departed, and went and hanged himself.
Do We Know When We Are Wrong? Sometimes we think that we are right when we are wrong. Read 1 Tim. 1:12-15 Sometimes we know exactly what we are doing James 4:17 Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin. Heb. 10:26 If we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the thruth,there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins.
Acts 17:27 That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us:
Which Way Do I Go
Proverbs 28:13 Proverbs 28:13 He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. 27That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us:
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Action Fraud reports that it has received numerous reports from people who have been cold-called or emailed by scammers claiming to be from Action Fraud and the National Fraud Authority (NFA). The NFA was shut down in 2013.
The fraudsters are cold-calling from withheld numbers and via firstname.lastname@example.com
The scams that they are attempting to perpetrate include the following:
• Telling targets that they can obtain a refund from a previous fraud because the suspect has been caught.
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Action Fraud would never under any circumstances request such information and would only email from firstname.lastname@example.com
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Full moon over Stafford Services
Notwithstanding my love of wild camping sites, it is occasionally quite comforting to stop overnight in a Motorway Services, catering as they... Read More
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None of my students know what a ceilidh is and I can't get over this. None of them have even noticed the posters plastered all over the hallways.
"How pronounce?" one of them asks, pointing at the board where I have written CEILIDH in big block letters.
"Kay-lee," I tell them. "Surely somebody has told you about them?"
Blank stares all around.
"Seriously?" I ask them, exaggerating my shock by opening my eyes wide and holding my hands up. "Nobody here knows what a ceilidh is?" They shake their heads and knit their brows. Most of them are sitting, slumped, at their desks, mobile phones in hands, thumbs clicking away. Technically, they're still on their break and I'm just setting up, pulling books and papers out of my backpack. But I use this time to try and engage the livelier ones.
"And you've been in Scotland how long?"
"Since September," Gan says. Gan will answer any question, no matter how rhetorical. He lines his pencils up on his desk and breaks my heart by coming to class every single day in neatly ironed shirts and trousers with creases in them.
I hold up the poster I've swiped from the corridor so that everybody can see it. "Then you have got to go. You can't live in Scotland and not got to ceilidhs!"
"Dance?" one of the girls asks, pointing to the poster. I nod.
"Yes, but it's not just a dance, it's a whole experience. There's music too, and I'm pretty sure there'll be free food at this one."
This finally gets everybody's attention, especially the boys'.
"Free food?" a boy called Jiang asks, sitting up straighter.
"You bet. It won't be great, but it'll be there. And afterwards you'll dance and listen to music and have fun."
"But I can't dance," Jiang says, his face falling.
"Neither can I," I tell him, "but I still love ceilidhs. They're more fun if a few people can't dance." This is entirely true. People who don't know what they're supposed to do at ceilidhs provide a source of innocent merriment for the ones who do. I've done my bit as a graceless klutz at ceilidhs, and it won't hurt Jiang to do the same.
"But it is raining," a girl called Lin says, gesturing at the window.
"Ceilidhs are indoors!" I say. "And come on, this is Scotland. You can't use rain as an excuse for not going to ceilidhs." In fact, rain is one of the reasons people go to ceilidhs in the first place. What else are you going to do on cold, grey, wet days? Whooping it up to fiddle music is just the thing to revive your spirits.
Since everyone seems interested, I decide to show them a ceilidh video on the internet. The first YouTube clip I find is from our rival university. It shows a group of students being instructed in basic ceilidh dance steps. This isn't what I'm after, so I fast forward until the students are actually dancing. But the dancing is so careful, so earnestly, precisely executed and well-behaved, that I immediately abandon this clip.
"Okay," I say, clicking through YouTube videos, "this is going to take me a little time. Just hang on."
The students don't care: this is keeping them from reporting verbs and transportation graphs. We're near the end of term and they're exhausted. I could tell them we were watching a how-to taxidermy clip and they'd be okay with it.
And then I find the perfect YouTube clip. It shows a ceilidh in full swing, the fiddles merrily playing, the dancers' faces lit up, their hair plastered to their heads as they strip the willow. You almost feel the steam in the air. You can spot the ones who don't have a clue, but when they aren't tripping over their own feet or running into others, they are smiling.
"I will go," Jiang says, watching a boy run smack into another one. "Free food?"
"It says so on the poster," I tell him, fervently hoping it's more than potato chips and coleslaw this time.
After the class, the minute I open the door, I see one of our Asian students in a full kilt, obviously planning on going to the ceilidh. He is a strapping, good-looking boy. I can hear Lin behind me, saying something in Chinese to her friends. I wheel around and manage to catch her eye.
"We are going to the ceilidh too!" she says.
Friday, 16 November 2012
None of my students know what a ceilidh is and I can't get over this. None of them have even noticed the posters plastered all over the hallways.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
To The Flags
When we lived in North Cyprus, my husband and I decided one day to walk to the flags. These were huge flags, one Turkish, one North Cypriot (a flag recognized in precisely one country -- Turkey) and I was sure we could reach them if we just kept walking. My husband, a pessimist, didn't think it was possible, and as we labored up the hill, I began to think he might be right. The road curved and twisted and spiraled, and it went up and down. Sometimes the flags looked like they were right around the corner; sometimes it looked as though the road we were on was taking us in the opposite direction. Then, almost an hour after we set out, we turned a corner and saw that we had reached the flags--we were there. And yet there was another road that zig-zagged away, up through the mountains, and I knew that the flags were just the first point of a much longer destination, and that one day we would have to come back and see where that road led.
I started this blog back in 2007, mainly because I'd always wanted to write, but also because I had nothing better to do. My husband and I had sold our small business, after which we could not find teaching jobs in our small town. We were in a difficult situation: virtually broke and missing intellectual stimulation, but reluctant to go to a new place with better teaching opportunities; we didn't want to put our children through the trauma of another move. So my husband did what he could: he found a job delivering packages. I did legal typing, applied for every secretarial job within a 30-mile radius, and took care of my family. And when I could, I wrote. I believe that writing kept me sane during that period.
Having a blog has been a great discipline and experience, and it has helped me meet so many interesting people who have given me so much. Someday I want to be able to do what these people have done for me: to help other beginners find their way, deal with the frustration of endless rejections, and generally learn all the things you have to learn to be a good writer. One of the things I have learned is that there is no pinnacle, no end point. Even if you publish something big and manage to become a bestselling author, you just keep going, keep writing, keep trying to get even better.
This may or may not be my last blog post, but whatever the case, I won't be able to spend so much time here: I've been lucky enough to find almost more work than I can do teaching English and Japanese, proofreading, editing, and, especially, writing. I am writing this to explain why I'm disappearing: I have so little free time now that I have to spend it on writing. I've made it to the flags, but I want to aim higher.
So thank you to everybody who has come here to read what I've written and to comment. I have loved reading your comments and your blog posts as well, and I hope to meet you again -- at the flags, perhaps, or beyond.
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Something to be Thankful for
My daughter recently came back from school, disgusted. "There was this lecture," she told me, "on polio. And the people who gave it were great, but they made a lot of mistakes."
My daughter knows about as much about polio as I do, so this surprised me. "What kind of mistakes?"
"They had this map," she said, "of all the places where polio is still active."
"And it was wrong?" Because really, how would she know it was wrong?
"There were lines pointing to the countries," my daughter told me patiently. "And they had Afghanistan as Pakistan!"
"Well, they are pretty close," I said, desperately trying to remember which was where.
"Fair enough," my daughter acknowledged. "Afghanistan and Pakistan are close. But how about this?" Her eyes flashed. "They had Nigeria labeled as Afghanistan!"
"Yeah, wow."
"So what did you do?"
"I pointed it out to them--" she paused, correctly interpreting my worried expression "--very politely and not in a know-it-all way."
"Good for you," I said, relieved. "What did they say?"
"That they were just testing us to make sure we knew our geography."
I nodded. I do this all the time myself whenever I'm caught out on an error in class; it's a trick of the trade. "I do that too," I said. "My students are always catching me out on details, and I tell them I was just testing them."
My daughter rolled her eyes, not buying it any more than my students buy it when I screw up. "Sure. But come on--Nigeria as Afghanistan? That's unforgivable."
She's right, but it's also a little comforting: I may struggle to remember whether Pakistan or Afghanistan is further west, but thank God I'm not so daft as to get Nigeria confused with Afghanistan. That's something to be thankful for.
There's always something to be thankful for. Always. Never mind all those other things.
While I'm counting my blessings, here's another: I've got a daughter who knows the difference between Afghanistan and Pakistan, and cares about which is which -- and she knows how to point it out politely to people who've got it wrong. Never mind that she lost all her chemistry notes, has failed to turn in two essays, and cannot be pried away from her fan fiction.
Yep, there's always something to be thankful for.
Saturday, 18 February 2012
Kentucky Jam Cake in Yokohama
"I have something good waiting for me at home!" the blonde girl squeals to her friends. "Something very delicious. And I will share it!"
They are walking together, four abreast, hogging the sidewalk and for the past minute I've been waiting for the chance to push past them. But I've missed lunch, and I want to hear what that something good is, so as I finally manage to get by, I do everything but swivel around, one hand cupped behind an ear.
"What is it?" one of the girls' friends asks, bless her.
"Finnish rye bread! My mother baked it because I have been longing for it!"
The others make appreciative noises as the girl tells them about this bread, fresh out of the oven, and how wonderful it is spread with butter, served with soup and cold fish.
Suddenly I am ravenously hungry. And I think about my own daughter at university, far away from us, getting by on her own cooking: pot noodles, pasta, discount sandwiches. I don't have the time to send her platters of sushi or her favorite tofu dish, mabo dofu, but surely I could bake her chocolate chip cookies? If I did, I'll bet she'd tell her friends -- possibly even share.
And I remember my mother's Kentucky jam cake, and the one occasion she managed to send it to me my first year in Japan -- and how I almost didn't get it.
My mother hated cooking and baking. For her, fussing over food was a ridiculous waste of time -- time that could be better spent reading, talking, gardening, or supporting charities. I grew up yearning for all the things my mother didn't cook, nagging her to try out the recipes she perversely loved collecting but not actually testing. But there was one thing she made better than anyone else: fruit cake. My mother's fruit cakes were always moist, the raisins in them didn't rise to the top and get hard and dried out, and they were a lovely pastel lavender because she made them with buttermilk and blackberry jam. The crumb was tender and fragrant with spices, and she frosted her cakes with a carmelized brown sugar frosting that I actually dreamed about.
The year I moved to Japan, my mother sent me a Kentucky jam cake for Christmas. For weeks, I looked forward to it, eagerly checking my mailbox every day when I got back from work. I could almost taste the spices -- cloves, nutmeg and cinnamon -- and taste the plumpness of the raisins, the delicate crumb of the cake, the buttery richness of the caramel frosting. But Christmas came and went and I waited in vain. Then in February, long after I'd given up hope, one of my co-workers told me a student of his had seen my name in the unclaimed mail section of the Japan Times. After work, I made my way to the Yokohama Main Post Office, wondering whether the thing I'd received was just a misaddressed postcard (this had happened before, a cruel disappointment), or my mother's Kentucky jam cake. I stood at the counter, waiting for the clerk to bring me my unclaimed mail. Ten minutes later, the man emerged, holding a package. My heart leapt as I saw my mother's careful writing. She'd forgotten to write the ward I lived in.
All the way back to my apartment I stood on the train, crushed on all sides by students and salarymen, clutching my mother's package, filled with anticipation. Would the cake still be edible, or moldy and stale? As soon as I got home, I unwrapped it and cut myself a slice. They say that food is always better shared, but I have to tell you that they lie. The two-month ship journey from California to Japan followed by six weeks in the Yokohama Main Post Office had done nothing but improve the flavor. I ate almost all of that cake in one go -- saving only a few slices for later -- and I can't remember enjoying anything so much. I don't regret my selfishness either: I wasn't to know it then, but that was the last cake I would ever get from my mother.
Tonight, I'm going to bake my daughter some chocolate chip cookies, and I will put pecans in them. I will double-check that I've got her address right.
Friday, 10 February 2012
The Sidewalks of Glasgow
I have a brand new pair of shoes.
Now I am only telling you this because for me this is huge. I only buy shoes after long and careful deliberation, when my old shoes are full of holes or practically falling off my feet. When I do have new shoes, I make a big deal of it. I pull them out of the tissue paper nests of their boxes, breathe in their delicious new-shoe smell, and admire the wonder of them on my feet. I would almost leave the price tags on them to show that I, cheapskate Mary, have taken the plunge and shelled out for brand-new footwear. As you can probably imagine, I treat my new shoes with extreme respect, only wearing them to work or 'out', and bending over backwards not to scuff or sully them.
My current new shoes are right-off-the-charts wonderful. They are comfortable, attractive, warm and well-made and, for all that they were on sale, still a good brand. They also have a good, deep tread for walking on icy streets, a real must for a klutz like me.
So the other morning, when I accidentally planted my feet squarely in the middle of a big, wet, freshly-left dog mess right smack in the middle of the sidewalk, I was beside myself with dismay. I'd been busy adjusting the strap on my backpack and I hadn't seen it. But there was no way whoever was walking their dog could have missed it; it would be like missing Texas on a map of the U.S.A.
I did everything I could to get it off my shoes. I tried to get off the worst of it by raking my feet through grass; I used a stick and what Kleenex I had in my bag and I scraped the soles of my shoes on the edge of the curb at every block. But it was all in vain: the stuff had filled every single square millimeter of tread. And it stank to high heaven.
When I got to work, instead of doing the copying I needed to do, I had to wash dog-do off my shoes. I attracted a fair amount of attention in the Ladies' restroom, but after 20 minutes of unstinting effort, my shoes were 99% crap-free. My heart, however, was full of rancor for the people of Glasgow. How inconsiderate for someone to leave such a mess right in the middle of the street where anybody could step on it! What kind of boors would do such a thing? Although a lot of dog owners do clean up after their dogs, Glasgow sidewalks can be a real hazard course. As I sprinted across the campus to get to my class on time, I couldn't help but notice all the steaming piles left right there for me to step on. Every person walking a dog got a long, hard look from me.
Then, during the final 15 minutes of my last class, a student told me a story. Her friend, newly arrived from China, had gone shopping. At some point during the day, she had dropped her wallet, full of cash, her passport, student ID, and a number of credit cards. "In China, if you do such thing, you must forget it," my student said, shaking her head. "You will never see wallet again. But my friend, she went back to home and she had a call from university. Her wallet was there! Somebody find it and give it back!" All the money and documents were still in it too, amazing and delighting the owner and all her friends. "People in Glasgow honest people," they unanimously concluded. I told them my story about losing my mobile phone and getting it back. I was grateful to them for reminding me that there are plenty of good people in Glasgow, dirty sidewalks notwithstanding.
Even the dog-walkers got big smiles from me on my way back -- on the few occasions I looked up.
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Cat Compensations
5:30 in the morning. We don't need an alarm clock; we have cats.
It's below zero outside, the ground frozen hard, ice everywhere. We've got another 15 minutes before we have to start the whole ball rolling -- another precious 15 minutes, but we're not going to get them. Mitzi wants to party. She's tearing around the room, chasing something under the bed. For one horrible moment I think she's brought in something tiny, scared, and wounded -- something that could be leaking body fluids and worse all over the place as it runs for its life. But no: I see she is hotly pursuing an earplug. The very one I was looking for last night, as a matter of fact, which I knew I'd left in the middle of my bedside table. But just like the wash I hang neatly over the laundry caddy, or the towels I fold carefully over radiators, it's no match for my hell-bent-on-chaos cat. With Mitzi around, clean laundry ends up on floors, under dusty beds. Small but necessary items -- keys, memory sticks, earrings, pens -- don't stay where they've been put. Foodstuffs have to be wrapped and stored like plutonium.
Finished with suspending disbelief, Mitzi has started to meow. I've had dozens of cats in my life -- well over a hundred, probably -- but I've never heard any cat meow like her. Her meows are loud and operatic, lasting many seconds, with trills, pitches, and arpeggios. Maverick, her companion, has a simple, wimpy meow which is more of a mee, over in half a second. Mitzi puts him to shame. In fact, in every way she outdoes him: as she engages in manuever after manuever to get us out of bed, he does nothing more than stand there like a sentinel, wearing an expression that manages to be both benevolent and clueless.
We burrow down into the warmth of our bed and pull the blankets over our heads, so she launches her next assault: the highly effective flying-leap-onto-human-bladder attack, followed (if we don't manage to catch her), by the even more effective dancing-about-the-human-head ploy. She's a hefty cat, but we finally manage to grab her and fling her off.
But she doesn't give up. This is the one thing that amazes us about Mitzi: she never, ever gives up. Her next attack is the one that finally works: the mattress assault. Our mattress is a good one and relatively new too. I can't let her do to it what she has done to the carpet. Groaning, I heave myself up. Both cats race joyfully out of the room as soon as I push the door open, which infuriates me -- as though the very first action of any groggy, fresh-out-of-bed human being is going to be filling their bowls.
A few minutes later, I am standing in front of the cupboard, saying, through gritted teeth, what I say every single morning: If you do not get your *&$£"!! paws and tails out of my &$(£*-ing way, then I cannot fill your &^%(*&-ing dishes! They never get it, of course. Not even the occasional crushed paw will keep them from weaving in and out of my legs, getting in my way as I attempt to find their food and fill their bowls.
Then we make our way down the stairs, one foot at a time, gingerly -- because when you've got cats, you've got a built-in obstacle course, only the obstacles never stay in the same place where you can see them.
You non-cat people are shaking your heads at this. Why, you wonder -- with very good reason -- would anybody put themselves through all this trouble? Why do people pay to keep cats, to wake them up in the morning, get in their way, shed on their clothes, shred their furniture, and foul their houses with the bodies of rodents? And believe me, we ask ourselves the very same question, all the time.
On the porch, my husband and I see yesterday's mail: university brochures addressed to our youngest daughter. "At least we'll never have to send Mitzi or Maverick to college," I say. "Mitzi could probably get a scholarship," my husband replies. But then we are quiet. Because we can both remember a time when it wasn't just cats who woke us up in the morning, who trashed the furniture and made noise and clamored for their breakfast.
When we get home, Mitzi is waiting for us at the gate. She greets us with one of her operatic meows and follows us up our drive. Maverick waits with admirable patience while we unlock the door. Later, while we eat, they put on an impressive and highly entertaining floor show, leaping from table to welsh dresser to counter top. After dinner, Mitzi curls up on my lap and purrs; Maverick chooses to settle on my husband's feet. So, you see, there are compensations.
When our daughter leaves for university next year, there will be even more.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Yesterday was one of those days.
It started very early. All I wanted to do was write, but instead, I got a head-scratchingly complicated last-minute editing job with a pressing deadline, and it took me ages to finish. During the time I was working, the stray cat who is felina non grata all over the neighborhood because of a spraying problem, got into our flat and let loose. Our own cats, worrying that the overpowering smell of cat pee would tempt us into welcoming this incontinent Wandering Tom into the bosom of our home, thus reducing their daily ration of Whiskas, decided a special gift was in order. Unfortunately, we weren't quick enough to claim it. When I went downstairs to get the mail, I found masses of feathers, blood, and a few grisly bits of leftover bird everywhere -- especially in all the hard-to-clean places. Later, to further secure my affection, one of my cats topped this treat up with an entire litter of some kind of rodent, all pink, hairless, and dead as doornails on the porch step. I thought of the mother-rodent coming home to her empty nest and felt like bursting into tears. Until I saw what I'm pretty sure was her a few feet away -- headless.
The cat pee smell would not go away, no matter what I did. The feathers in the hard-to-clean places stayed right where they were; I reasoned it was just a matter of time before they took down another bird, so why bother cleaning it up?
I was feeling bad enough, but when I started skimming the new textbooks I'll be using this term, I felt even worse. There is no key, I have no teacher's manual, and some of the exercises were too hard for me to do. I sat for twenty minutes, staring at a graph and feeling colossally stupid. How can I ask my students to do what I personally find challenging?
I went to bed with a pounding headache, after barely finishing my lesson plans, and the smell of cat pee kept me up. I did not feel one bit like teaching. I did not feel warm, fuzzy feelings towards my cats.
When I got to work, I still had the headache. But hurrying from one class to another, I ran into two students from last term. The minute they saw me, their faces lit up and they shriked my name: they'd passed their exams and they were giddy with joy. Two minutes later, I ran into a few more who had passed too, then three more. I don't know by what miracle I managed not to encounter a single former student who failed today -- I know they're out there -- but I didn't. There is no greater reward than the grinning face of a student who has passed an exam she was positive she'd fail. After that, despite my lack of sleep and cat-pee headache, I was able to understand the new textbooks, and my classes went well.
When I got home and sat down to write, both my cats came into the room. One sat at my feet, the other curled up on my lap. And neither one had a dead rodent or a bird.
Now that is a gift.
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Flushed With Pride
I grew up with the standard models: white, shiny ceramic, with metal lever flush. But throughout my childhood, another toilet was always on my mind: the one my mother grew up with.
"You have no idea how lucky you kids are, having an indoor toilet that flushes," she would frequently remind us. She never said this in a You spoiled brats! spirit, though I'm sure she was tempted to, just as I am tempted to say the same whenever I hear my kids whining about computer glitches and I remember having to pound out term papers on a dodgy, sticky-keyed secondhand manual typewriter which weighed a ton. On the coldest days in Southern California, whenever we complained about the temperature, my mother would recall the winters of her childhood -- particularly the snowy backyard that had to be crossed to reach the outhouse. A Sears & Roebuck's catalogue always hung from a rusty nail inside, recycling being a necessity of life instead of the virtuous, ecologically-minded practice that it is today. On Halloween night, you had to be on guard for jokers who liked moving outhouses just a few feet beyond the pit. Anyone who wasn't vigilant paid a terrible price in those days before plumbed bathtubs with instant hot water. During the night, foul-smelling chamberpots were kept under beds, although they weren't called that; they were referred to as 'vessels'.
Having heard my mother's stories, my sisters and I realized that we benefited from state-of-the-art, lifestyle-enhancing, modern technology: no emptying and cleaning out of nasty vessels, no traversing dark obstacle-course ridden yards to get to a smelly outhouse; all we had to do was pad down the hallway, do what had to be done, and flush.
A few trips to rural Mexico and Guatemala only increased my sense of gratitude. There's nothing like waking up in the middle of the night out in the middle of nowhere, and having to pay for your last (much regretted) cup of tea with a long, scary tramp through onion fields, past barking dogs to get to the privy, which you could probably locate blindfolded, so horrific is the smell.
In Japan, my first toilet was a standard Asian squat-style number, perfectly easy to get used to, but not for anybody with weak knees or a poor aim. Over my years there, I had a succession of similar toilets, and most of them required squatting, even the ones in posh office buildings. Some of our office toilets were unisex too, and it took me some time to develop the sang-froid necessary to walk past my boss, feigning ignorance of his presence, and casually enter one of the stalls. Some emptied into septic tanks which periodically had to be emptied by a foul-smelling truck that made the rounds of the neighborhood, with a wide, coiled hose attached to the side. But they all flushed.
In Cyprus, we had a modern flush toilet too, but there was not always enough water to flush it with. With three teenage girls in our flat, we always seemed to run out of water quickly, so my husband and I soon learned to fill plastic bottles with water from the nearby swimming pool for emergency situations. My very first day of teaching, I went off to work after a quick, unsatisfactory sponge bath with pool water and I was grateful that our school had a bathroom. But the university toilets used to run out of water occasionally too, so I took to recycling the water from the students' plastic bottles.
In the Netherlands, I lived in an artists' colony for half a year. Every week it was my turn to clean our communal toilet -- an ancient old thing with a chain you pulled, but nevertheless a flush toilet. The first few weeks there, I was puzzled by a jam jar filled with water which was always on the left side of the toilet, on the floor. One day, someone emptied it and threw it away, and I learned its function when another artist, a Dutch-Indonesian woman, protested. "It has a hygienic purpose," she told me. "It does what paper alone cannot, and if it is not there, I feel very uncomfortable." I've adopted this custom, and although I'm sure guests here wonder what a pitcher of water is doing on our bathroom floor, I wouldn't be without it.
That pitcher of water froze the other night. We can only afford to heat two rooms, the kitchen and our living room, and our bathroom is like a freezer. When it's below zero inside, getting up in the middle of the night to do what has to be done is a character-building test that takes great courage and fortitude. But I tell myself that all I have to cross is a carpeted floor, not a cold, dark farmyard, that I'll never have to empty or scrub out a 'vessel', and all I have to do is flush -- with gratitude and pride.
Monday, 9 January 2012
The Treachery Of Things
I love soft-boiled eggs with gooey yolks, and I'm generally good at getting them just right. Yes, I know there's a risk of salmonella, but for the pleasure of eating a runny yolk, I'm prepared to live dangerously and take a walk on the wild side. So last week, I boiled four eggs, following my normal soft-boiled protocol: I put the eggs in a small, deep pan filled with cold water which I slowly brought to the boil. Then I turned off the burner and let the eggs sit for a few minutes. To my great disappointment, three of the eggs, when opened, proved to be hard-boiled, the yolks as tough as shoe leather.
My husband and kids ate them. They aren't as fussy as I am when it comes to eggs.
There was no way I was going to eat a hard-boiled egg, so I put my egg, uncracked, back into the refrigerator. The next day, I decided to make egg salad for sandwiches, so I took out my hard-boiled egg. I also boiled two more eggs; if you're going to make egg salad, go whole hog, right? I boiled these two eggs for a full five minutes, even setting the timer. I know that you're supposed to boil them for ten minutes, but all my life, I've settled for five and the eggs have generally come out hard-boiled.
When the timer went off, I pulled out one of the eggs and peeled it, but I could tell that it wasn't properly hard-boiled yet, so I popped it back into the boiling water and boiled both eggs for another three minutes. By which time, the yolks should have been hard enough to bounce off the floor, but no: when I opened them, I found that the yolks were gooey. And even more surreally, the egg which had been in the refrigerator had a gooey yolk too. All of the eggs were the same size: I swear it. The altitude of our house has obviously not changed, and I can't imagine the chemical composition of the water was significantly altered in 24 hours.
When I wanted gooey yolks, I got hard. When I wanted hard-boiled eggs, I got drippy. Call me paranoid, but I put this down to the Treachery of Things.
Have you ever noticed that when you drop something, it quite often skitters out of your range of vision and disappears? Moreover, the distance the dropped item travels and the time and difficulty involved in tracking and retrieving it will be directly proportional to the importance of the item. If, for instance, you drop a paper clip you don't particularly need on a floor that is already cluttered, it will be right there at your feet. If on the other hand, you drop a paperclip you do need, or the back of one of your favorite gold earrings, say, or the cap off a tube of expensive super-glue, or the tiny screw you need to repair the only glasses you have with you on a vacation when you are intending to do a lot of reading -- it's a different story, isn't it? A great deal of time will be spent on all fours, bent over awkwardly, your questing hands coming into unpleasant contact with icky things stuck to the floor as they grope around, vainly, in spider-lurking crevices and corners.
Some people call this Murphy's law, but I call it The Treachery of Things. The laws of physics can be bent, and they are bent by things, quite capriciously. Things know when you want them a certain way -- or when you just plain want them -- and they can't resist toying with you. This is why the needle and thread you always carry in your backpack will mysteriously vanish on the one occasion you need them to tack up a hem that has decided to unravel when you are due to give a speech in front of 200 people, only to be found when you are searching for the missing VCR, under the cushions of your sofa. This is why the magic marker you finally locate on the one day your class is being observed, will turn out to be the indelible sort that cannot be used on white boards -- even though you generally have so many perfectly useable markers that you are spoiled for choice.
Take my word for it: things know what they're doing and they find our panic, our profound irritation, and our utter humiliation very entertaining.
So be forewarned--and take care. You can bet I'll be watching my eggs very carefully.
Monday, 2 January 2012
All Mixed Up
A few years back, our oldest daughter came home from school one day and, after dumping her backpack on the floor, slumped into a chair and muttered, "I'm nothing." Before I could open my mouth to protest, she went on. "I mean, I'm not English, I'm not Japanese or... American or Scottish. I'm nothing."
I made her a cup of tea and mulled over all the things I could say. Such as Nonsense -- you've had a good sampling of lots of cultures! But she was actually right. She was born in Wales, to an English father and an American mother, and she was taken to Japan as an infant. Her first words were in Japanese, the language of her nursery school peers. She has read the first two Harry Potter books in Japanese and can still pass for a native -- but only over the telephone. She can pass for an American too, or a Scot, if she feels like it. Is it any wonder she feels alienated now?
When she was two years old, I took my daughter to America for the first time. When we got off the plane, she shrank back from all the non-Asians around us. "Gaijin!" she whispered at one point, meeting her little blonde cousins. "Gaijin means foreigner," I explained to my sister, blushing. I had to interpret for my daughter for the first three days we were in the States; to this day, my relatives all know the Japanese for Pick me up! and I don't want to, not to mention Can I have a snack? I didn't realize how thoroughly out of her realm she felt until we visited Chinatown in San Francisco. My daughter, who had remained guarded, shy and a little suspicious, suddenly burst out laughing, clapped her hands, and began talking non-stop. I had my work cut out for me, explaining why the people around us could not understand her Japanese.
When she was five, our daughter came home from her first school field trip uncharacteristically quiet and thoughtful. "She got picked on," her teachers told us, clearly embarrassed. "Her friends here accept her -- they've known her since before she could walk -- but the other kids took one look at her and all they saw was a foreigner." She'd gotten called gaijin a lot, on this trip. "She's not a gaijin!" her nursery school pals had fired back at the hecklers, "she's our friend!" To this day, my eyes fill with tears when I remember their words.
"People always want to know what I am," my daughter sighed, sipping her tea. "Then they don't believe me when I tell them."
"You're third culture kids," I tell her. "And don't you think it's pretty interesting having had all your experiences? I'd have given my eyeteeth to learn a foreign language when I was your age!" Which is absolutely true: I used to pore over books in Spanish and German. When I was nine, somebody gave us a stack of Japanese magazines and I'd never been so intrigued or fascinated in all my life. I'd have done a lot for the chance to learn Japanese back then.
"At least you fit in!" my daughter protested. "At least you were the same thing as everybody else!" I never know what to say to this. I was socially inept and awkward; I didn't fit in, and I never felt like the same thing as everybody else. But I wonder how much worse it might have been if my nationality had been different from that of my peers.
"It's a unique experience, but not always enjoyable," our youngest daughter said when I asked her to describe how she felt about being a third culture kid. When we first came to Scotland, she used to follow me around. "What are they saying?" she'd whisper urgently in Japanese. "Can you understand?" Now she interprets for me. When we traveled around Turkey, we'd have been lost without her.
"It's weird," my oldest daughter told us last week. "All my friends are all mixed up, like me."
"Even Mena?" Mena is Pakistani and as far as I can tell, thoroughly uncomplicated.
"She's Christian, Mom. That kind of changes her perspective."
She went on to describe half a dozen of her friends, all of them of mixed cultures and/or bilingual. It was fascinating hearing about them: Scottish-sounding kids who can speak Cantonese, Czech nationals raised in Spain, Belgian kids with Turkish roots. My youngest daughter's friends are the same. Here in Scotland, she's pals with a Thai/Chinese girl who swears like a Scot. In Cyprus, she had a Pilipina friend who could write Hebrew and speak Tagalog and Spanish. My daughters' favorite musicians are all mixed up too: a Nigerian/German, a Rwandan/Belgian, and any number of Japanese-born-and-raised Koreans. And the food they like is right off the charts: hummous, sushi, haggis, mabo-dofu, sukiyaki, kabobs, paella, dim sum, pizza, kimchi chige. For Christmas, we had pot stickers, red-cooked Chinese cabbage, sushi, and stuffed grape leaves with filled pitta bread. Dessert was sweet potato pie and tiramisu.
"So," I said to my daughter, "you don't feel like you're one of a kind anymore. Or do you?"
She shrugged and smiled. "I'm used to it now."
The other day, I happened to overhear a conversation between two bilingual women. "You must keep the languages and cultures separate," one of them sniffed. "No mixing up or everything gets very confused, and that is no good for anybody."
She's probably right. But I couldn't disagree more.


text:
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text:
I don't have much in the way of religious kow-tow in me. There may be gods out there, but I don't bend my knee nor mind. I do, however, believe that the universe is inherently female: it gives birth to us all. Goddess poetry. I write it.
She Knits for all of Us
I'm not yet done with the world; It isn't green
enough for Me, nor for those whom I would create
and leave, pulling yellow corn from threads.
I think I'll make those people
gray at death, so they remember to fertilize
after I've pulled them from the tapestry.


text:
The Leicester Comedy Festival asked some comedy people for their ones to watch out for in 2017's Festival. Here are the choices picked out by promoter and comedian Bob Slayer, founder of ROAR Comedy Corrie McGuire and yours truly. The Leicester Comedy Festival 2017 runs from the 8-26 February, with over 770 events across the 19 days. Full programme and ticket details here.
Stuart Goldsmith (pictured third down)
Stuart Goldsmith is in danger of becoming best known for his The Comedian's Comedian podcast in which he chats to fellow stand-ups and dissects the way they go about their work. In 2017 he should make amends for that with more live gigs in his own right that should see him move up the comedy rankings. Goldsmith is a relaxed, confident storyteller with a style that easily wins over any audience and he is getting better all the time. Maybe he is listening to his own podcast interviews and taking notes…
Stuart Goldsmith: All the Time in the World, Sat 11 Feb, Heroes @ The Criterion, 1.15pm.
Stuart Goldsmith: Compared to What, Sat 11 Feb, Heroes @ The Criterion, 8.15pm.
Mark Simmons
Pun-based humour has become a mainstay of the live scene in recent years and Leicester Comedy Festival has played its part by launching the annual UK Pun Championships. A leading exponent of this new wave of wordplay is Mark Simmons, who recently supported Seann Walsh on tour – at one gig quite literally, Walsh's foot swelled up on the way to the venue and he couldn't walk without Simmons' help. Simmons doesn't just fire out Tim Vine-style one liners, though of course there are plenty of those. His longer sets are cleverly structured – pay attention because a throwaway early line may become significant later. In fact pay attention to rising star Simmons, he may become significant in the comedy firmament later too.
Mark Simmons: Whatever you want, I couldn't give a toss, Wed 8 Feb, The Cookie, 6.30pm.
Bilal Zafar
Young Londoner Zafar picked up a lastminute.com 2016 Edinburgh Comedy Award Best Newcomer nomination for his debut show Cakes, in which he charted the online kerfuffle after his brother playfully tweeted that Bilal was running a Muslims-only cake shop. The show, which smartly mixed stories and onscreen visual gags, was at turns hilarious and scary as it revealed the angry responses from people who could not see that this was a prank. Zafar is performing Cakes at Leicester Comedy Festival and also working on his eagerly anticipated sequel.
Bilal Zafar: Cakes, Sat 11 Feb, The Cookie, 6.30pm.
Bilal Zafar: Work in Progress, Thu 9 Feb, The Cookie Comedy Club @ The Globe – Upstairs, 7.30.
Jordan Brookes
The comedy world sometimes seems full of youthful men in casual clothes standing at a microphone and thinking about getting booked for Live at the Apollo. Jordan Brookes is unlikely to be appearing on primetime TV in the near future, but if you like your comedy quirky and unconventional he is your man. His last show, The Making Of…, tackled issues with his father which is a fairly common comedy theme, but Brookes did it in a different way, by playing around with the timeline, pulling grotesque faces and generally breaking most of stand-up's stage rules. He is definitely one of the most intriguing talents to emerge in recent years. The Making Of… is great, but the best may well be yet to come.
Jordan Brookes: The Making Of, Sun 26 Feb, Attenborough Arts Centre – Main Hall, 8.30pm.
Adam Hess (pictured second down)
Comedians have an ambivalent relationship with Twitter. Some fear that their jokes might be squandered if they appear on social media, others use social media to try out gags. Super-nerd Hess falls clearly into the second category and in the process has made his name as one of the funniest people on Twitter, where he lays bare his inability to cope with modern life: "I was just so nervous while talking to a man that I shook his hand mid conversation." Onstage he is the same only more, a must-see high-energy neurotic bouncing around like a child. Eccentric behaviour clearly runs in the family – his mother sends dried up teabags to companies who send her junk mail.
King Street Comedy with Adam Hess, Fri 17 Feb, 54a King Street (aka Nigel's Cafe), 6.30pm.
Adam Hess New Show, The Cookie, £5 or PWYW – Fri 10 Feb, 8pm & Thu 16 Feb.
Mr Twonkey
The last time Mr Twonkey performed at Leicester Comedy Festival only two people turned up in a 150 capacity venue. Promoter Bob Slayer blames myself. Like a true pro Mr Twonkey got up there and gave his all and those two people had the experience of their lives. He is an absolute beautiful wonderment. Did you know his band used to be a favourite of John Peel? Go see him for sure.
Twonkey's Christmas in the Jungle, Thu 9 & Fri 10 Feb, Heroes @ The Criterion, 8.15pm.
Becky Walker (pictured fourth down)
Becky has put up with promoter Bob Slayer for a number of years now running his bars and doing comedy doors. She makes him laugh more than most people he knows and is also his moral compass. She did her first shows at Leicester Comedy Festival last year, since then she has been gigging around the north and even did a short very successful run at the Edinburgh Fringe. Beautiful stories, ideas and tangents. Go see her for sure.
Becky Walker's Mandatory Rest Break, Sat 25 Feb, Heroes @ Bobs' Blundabus, 8.30pm.
Abigoliah Schamaun (pictured top)
Fearless and at times shocking, Abigoliah Schamaun's tendency to drop in explicit sexual references is softened by her tender stories about her background and family life. Raised in Ohio, she developed her comedy style in New York, a city that has brought us many of today's American comedy heroes. Above all, Abigoliah is genuinely hilarious and a joy to watch.
Abigoliah Schamaun, Wed 15 Feb, Heroes @ Criterion, 8.15pm.
Chris Betts
Canadian Chris Betts honed his comedy style on the North American circuit for five years before moving to London in 2012. His comedy draws on personal experience, and with thirteen years as a bartender under his belt, he is adept at controlling a crowd. Chris is always the stand out on a mixed bill, so it's very exciting that he is bringing three shows to the Leicester Comedy Festival 2017.
Chris Betts: Social Animal, Thu 9 Feb, The Needle and Pin, 9pm.
Chris Betts: Bewilderbeest (WIP), Fri 17 & Sat 18 Feb, Grays @ LCB Depot – Lightbox, 8pm.
Chris Betts vs the Audience, Thu 9 & Fri 10 Feb, Heroes @ The Citerion, 7pm.
Tom Ward
Tom Ward's unique, idiosyncratic style makes him a truly exciting new voice on the comedy circuit. Looking like an indie kid but with solid jokes to back up his style, his relaxed interactions with audiences suggest a confident star of tomorrow. One of the funniest new acts in ages.
Tom Ward: Work in Progress, Sat 11 & Sun 12 Feb, Heroes @ The Citerion, 4.50pm.
● The complete programme is available now www.comedy-festival.co.uk


text:
It's almost on a daily basis now that we see Harpers true colours. In recent days he gladly joined with teh NDP and the Bloc to keep himself in his job, and praised the NDP and Bloc for supporting him. Whats wrong with this you may ask? At its face value nothing. But when taken in proper context, it's another sign of his willingness to say anything at all to hold onto his loose hold on power.
For instance, in mid September, in a secret meeting that he didn't want broadcast, this is what he said about parties working together;
"If they get together and force us to the polls, we have to teach them a lesson and get back there with a majority and make sure their little coalition never happens to this country," Harper said to applause from the partisan crowd.
That to me doesn't sound like someone who wants to see parties work together. My favorite part is his "teach them a lesson" line. What lesson will that be? That cooperation should be punished, that anyone who tries to stop him will be taught a lesson, that it's okay for other parties to work together to keep him in power, but wrong when they work together against him.
It must be hard to be Stephen Harpos brain, everyday getting sent mixed messages. One day the Bloc and NDP are bad, the next, they are allies.
Harpers desire to be King of Canada is so evident now, I am waiting for him to pull out a crown.
IN his attempt to win seats in Quebec he will even go so far as to chum up with Brian " brown paper bags full of money" Mulroney. Mulroney seems to think its okay to not pay taxes ( yes years later , when confronted, he did settle debt), thinks its okay to accept brown paper bags full of money from Karl Heinz Schreiber ( a man charged with bribery amongst other things) in meetings at airport hotels.
Harper will stoop to anything to win votes, and that should scare Canadians. A leader needs to do what helps the country, not what only helps him.
We can do better, and its a sin we aren't. The buck stops with Harper, and the incompetence of his regime is shocking.