text:
User talk:THEDUDEMAN
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Archives from 2007
Archives from 2008 part 1
Archives from 2008 part 2, and through feb 09
- 1 Reap
- 2 UnSignpost 5th March 09
- 3 UnSignpost 12th March 09
- 4 Your userpage is penistastically traumatic
- 5 UnSignpost 19th March
- 6 adopt a noob
- 7 UnSignpost 26th March 09
- 8 UnSignpost 2nd April 09
- 9 UnSignpost April 9/10th, 2009
- 10 Bot work
- 11 UnSignpost April 16th, 2009
- 12 delivery?
- 13 UnSignpost 23rd April 09
- 14 UnSignpost! 1st Anniversary Special!!!
- 15 The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost is proud to present its 1st Anniversary Special
- 16 UnSignpost May 14th
- 17 UnSignpost May 21st
- 18 You said you were going to come back and let that bot of yours deliver the UnSignpost
- 19 UnSignpost! May 28th, 2009
- 20 UnSignpost June 4th, 2009
- 21 UnSignpost June 11th/12th/whatever
- 22 Welcome to Uncyclopedia! (Seeing that you never were welcomed)
- 23 Welcome to Uncyclopedia (Wouldn't it be awesome if you were welcomed twice?)
- 24 UnSignpost! June 18th/19th!
- 25 possible delivery
- 26 Unsignpost! June 25th or 30th
- 27 Repeating deliveries..
- 28 UnSignpost: July 2nd, 2009
- 29 Welcome!
- 30 Differences from the Main Sites
- 31 Similarities to the Main Sites
- 32 delivery thanks
- 33 additional thanks
- 34 UnSignpost 9th July 2009
- 35 Congratulations!
- 36 UnSignpost: July 16nd, 2009
- 37 Thanks
- 38 UnSignpost: July 23rd, 2009
- 39 UnSignpost: July 30th, 2009
- 40 Hi Mr.Signpost Guy
- 41 UnSignpost! August 6th, 2009!! WE BE LATE, Y'ALL!!!
- 42 New USP
- 43 UnSignpost 13th August 2009. It's not late. You are!
- 44 Canteen dash
- 45 You Found Lost in Space
- 46 UnSignpost 20th August, it's not late, your mom is!
- 47 UnSignpost 4th September
- 48 UnSignpost Randomber 71th
- 49 Beginning Archer
- 50 UnSignpost September 10/17
- 51 UnSignpost: September 24th, 2009
- 52 Clip on tie
- 53 Noob Tanks
- 54 UnSignpost: October 1st, 2009
- 55 Hey TDM
- 56 UnSignpost Sometime October 2009
- 57 another delivery
- 58 UnSignpost
22nd23rd October 2009
- 59 UnSignpost 29-10-2009
- 60 Hey TDM
- 61 Googly eyes
- 62 UnSignpost Delivery! - December something!
- 63 Signpost
- 64 UnSignpost January several-days-agoth
- 65 UnSignpost 21th January 2009
- 66 UnSignpost 28th January 2010
- 67 UnSignpost 4th February 2010
- 68 UnSignpost 11th February 2010
- 69 UnSignpost 18th February 2010
- 70 UnSignpost 25th February 2010 (It's not late your mum is)
- 71 UnSignpost 4th March 2010 (your calendar is wrong)
- 72 UnSignpost 11th March 2010
- 73 UnSignpost 18th March 2010 (on time as always)
- 74 UnSignpost 25th March 2010 (hand delivered for added flavour)
- 75 UnSignpost 1th April 2010 - Always on time
- 77 UnSignpost 4/8/10 - Oh hi Signpost.
- 78 UnSignpost 15/4/10 - Yet another on time delivery.
- 79 UnSignpost 1 May
Took a while, the viagra has just kicked in...--Sycamore (Talk) 12:20, 2 March 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 5th March 09[edit]
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
March 5, 2009 • Issue 37 • The News, Smelted to 93% Purity!
New parser causes havoc by requiring Uncyclopedians to get things right
Resident tame Wikia staffer Sannse tried to explain: "bad HTML is the most likely cause of errors. But there are some other changes that might cause errors. For example, the way that some complex parser tags work has changed. The best thing to do is to look for HTML problems first (not forgetting that the errors are often in templates used on the page). Then, if you can't find it, hassle anyone you know who knows HTML and wikimarkup better than you (nah, not going to link some poor guy). Then, if you can't find it, hassle me to find help (Uberfuzzy is on standby to assist where needed). Again I'd suggest that the template author should be the person who knows how to make it work!"
Most Uncyclopedians had already gone cross-eyed by this point, but she gamely continued: "Don't forget that you can use Special:ParserDiffTest as a help in finding exactly what's different on a page. A lot of the changes don't mean anything. For example, on this page the only differences are to class and section titles. But this one shows problems with center and div tags (the last two green sections on the div)".
Your USP offers the following, less confusing advice: if you open any kind of tag in html like <this>, you have to close it again, like </this> before the end of your page. And if you open more then one tag, be sure to close them in the right order <like><this></this></like>. Then shit should not get fucked up.
The gnomes were unavailable for comment.
February '... of the Month' Awards Hoedown
Well, February is over, and that means it's time to look back at the shortest month of the year and make fun of people who won awards during that month, for they have only won 90.32% as much recognition as those who won the award during a robust 31-day month. Let's get started with...
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 14:03, Mar 6
UnSignpost 12th March 09[edit]
The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!
March 10th, 2009 • Issue 38 • Mucking up your talk page, one issue at a time
WE ARE DOOMED! Head for the hills, Uncyclopedia users, there's nothing that can save us now! As of this morning, we NO LONGER EXIST!!! Now, if you are reading this, you may be thinking to yourself, "why, that Gerry fellow is quite mad. Since I am reading the UnSignpost now, then both I and Uncyclopedia must still exist." To this i say to you: THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK. Furthermore, it is also WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK THEY THINK YOU THINK.
Reactions were mixed today at the wiki. Some theorized that uncyclopedia.wikia.com was, in fact, sinking. In response to this, the women (all 3 of them) and children were loaded onto lifeboats and fired out of the lifeboat-cannon, in hopes that they would land far away enough from the landlocked Uncyc as to find a body of water. Other preparations included the Cajek string quartet playing rousing versions of traditional ship-sinking music.
While it might seem rash for an official non-cabal-run periodical to endorse panic, the UnSignpost urges all Uncyclopedia users to abandon all reason and logic in an attempt to save themselves. The best course of action is most likely the one that involves the maximum amount of screaming, arm-flailing, and general insanity. The Uncyclopedia Store is likely to be looted quickly, so be sure to stop by early to maximize you chances at getting the best stuff.
Count to a Million: Update
Uncyclopedians have continued their brave foray into the dangerous world of numbers, today reaching the long-awaited benchmark of 3,239. The constitutes nearly 1/300th of the total goal, meaning we are 0.32% of the way there! Users were overjoyed, confused, and generally apathetic about the achievement.
Since its inception on February 20th, 2008, many different counters, or 'c-ters' as they refer to themselves, have contributed to the project. The content of the countup has varied greatly, from battleships to cartoon characters to road signs, and yet never deviating very far away from pornography. At any rate, it seems Uncyclopedia admin and Chair of the Committee to Investigate and Eliminate Needless Committees Spang's experiment to destroy the internet has not succeeded...yet.
The project has advanced at a rate of 8.39 numbers per day, a respectable clip considering the enormous effort involved in adding the next number in the sequence. At this brisk clip, the project will reach completion at 18:45 UT on June 24, 2334. Until that day, Uncyclopedians can only hope, dream, and continue in the increasingly difficult task of adding one to a moderately large number.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 21:44, Mar 13
Your userpage is penistastically traumatic[edit]
-Sir Sockpuppet of an unregistered user 15:31, 15 March 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 19th March[edit]
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
March 19th, 2009 • Issue 39 • Committed to both Bringing You The News and The Happywood Insane Asylum
Forum topic created; Modusoperandi posts witty response
At a certain point this week, a relatively green uncyclopedian posed a rather ill-advised question on one of the Forums quaintly known to patrons of this silly wiki as the 'Village Dump'. A few seconds after the aforementioned certain point this week, resident cheek-tonguer Modusoperandi responded by intentionally misinterpreting the meaning of the question, twisting the querist's words, taking advantage of some sort of delicious pun, or otherwise causing mischief in the usually serious, informative Forum.
Reactions were, as usual, mixed in the community. Several anonymous users were outraged at the lack of tact and formality displayed by the wily Modus. "Uncyclopedia is serious business," said one pitchfork-wielding mob participant. "We would descend into total anarchy if it weren't for the court system, the press, the boron smelting plant, and the sanctity of our information distribution system." Other users seemed to support the flashing of rapier wit, claiming "if we can't laugh a little, then what's the point? Without humor, we'd end up in hell like all those poor souls who lived before Jesus invented comedy in 23 A.D."
Modusoperandi himself declined to comment on the situation, only offering this brief reply to a query seeking a comment: "She told me that she was eighteen. She also told me that she human and was not, in fact, a bonobo. If you have any other questions, please direct them to my law firm; Alan, Whitcomb, Silverstein & Bonobo." It seems the elusive Mr. Operandi is free to continue in his forum havoc-wreaking, as nobody has stepped up to officially denounce his actions. All bonobos involved were unavailable for comment.
This week the Uncyclopedia community was outraged to learn that the UnSignpost, which recently received a Wikia bailout, will be giving hefty bonuses to the very dunderheads responsible for driving the periodical into the ground in the first place. The extremely active Uncyclopedia Senate has vowed that action will be taken against the editors set to receive the lucrative bonuses. It may be possible that they will be blocked from editing or even exiled to another wiki.
Uncyclopedians were, for the most part, outraged. Popular user Mnbvcxz had an unrelated statement quote-mined by an UnSignpost journalist to produce the following comment:"I[...]is[...]finished," a possible indication that he will leave the site in protest of the bonuses. The founders of the newspaper refused comment, as they want nothing to do with it anymore, and true to that mission this reporter was chased off the the grounds of the Cajek mansion by bunnies wearing bee costumes. The current editors were hounded, with Under user having this to say: "I don't think there have been any "comically large" bonuses paid out. There have simply been adequate contractual remunerations allocated to key staff to reward their loyalty and unstinting efforts. Every penny of these almost insignificant amounts is richly deserved. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to buy a large yacht and fill a swimming pool with cash to float it on." Gerrycheevers was absolutely unavailable at press time.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
MnbvcxzBot 05:30, 20 March 2009 (UTC)
adopt a noob[edit]
i hope im doing this on the right page but i suck on the connterbutions so please help me on adopt a noob --Sincerely,Nathaniel 03:27, 27 March 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 26th March 09[edit]
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
March 26th, 2009 • Issue 40• Spooning the Soggy Vegetables of Truth from the Luke-warm Soup of the News
MrN's banstick stuck in "on" position
Popular admin, underwear enthusiast and raconteur MrN9000 has gone on a ban-rampage unprecedented in the recent history of the wiki. Seemingly keen to win his first bastard admin award, the conscientious custodian has already banned more people this month than all the other admins combined.
The other admins rallied bravely, with even Spang being seen to ban someone (only his third of the year) as they tried to show they were not now completely surplus to requirements. However, even as this story was typed, MrN banned another 3 vandals, rendering their efforts ultimately futile.
Speculation that he is trying to ban more people on an individual basis than Hinoa managed in one go when he banned the whole of Italy cannot be confirmed or denied at the time of going to press.
When asked about his phenomenal spree, MrN said "What do all these buttons with "Ban" written on them do? I keep pushing them, but nothing appears to happen". Banning legend Mordillo, when asked for a comment on MrN's ban excesses, said "I believe the man is a menace, and danger to society. I believe he should be castrated, quartered, hanged, torched and his ashes should be scattered over France. I believe he should burn in hell for all eternity. What? Do I feel pity about all those who he banned? Fuck no, I didn't have anyone to ban because of the bastard!"
Uncyclopedia now famous
In a totally unexpected development, Uncyclopedia has officially earned the worldwide recognition it has longed for since its inception. On the website digg.com, all internet content is sorted and ranked by coolness, similar to the process found in many middle schools. It seems Uncyc's page on spam has reached sufficient 'cool' status as to cause the rest of the site to become invited to the "cool kid's lunch table", along with theonion.com and cracked.com.
Reactions were unusually mixed today in the Uncyclopedia break room. When asked what it's like to suddenly be cool, Optimuschris said, "shit, I'll let you know when I find out." Another user, DrStrange, was asked for a comment, and promptly responded "comment duly delivered!" Clearly, popularity has already gone to Uncyclopedians' heads, as such chippy responses are rarely seen. Uncyclopedians have become too cool for school. When asked for comment regarding adding a sentence to the end of this article to extend its length and make this week's UnSignpost look pretty, Gerrycheevers said, "bugger off."
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 01:49, Mar 28
UnSignpost 2nd April 09[edit]
The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things
April 5th, 2009 • Issue 41 • In the fashion of Illogicopedia, the only Newspaper that will veto a raid!
Due to high operational costs and "the community being a bunch of gits", the nefarious Uncyclopedia overlords at Wikia shut down the comedy wiki yesterday. This resulted in much confusion, outrage, and blundering about in the dark. When asked to comment about the situation, Orian57 said, "No, because you'll actually put what I say into the paper, and last time you made me look really stupid. Although it is a tad inconvenient. And what do you mean 'Cabal'?" It should be noted that Orian is both exceedingly intelligent and unbearably attractive, and there most certainly is not a cabal of any kind.
Other users seemed to have been expecting this for some time. Necropaxx had this to say: "Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long for Wikia to do this. We Uncyclopedians have been total jerks for far too long. I suggest we all go to Wikia and give Jimbo Wales a nice big "We're sorry" and hope he's feeling generous." This editor took this advice to mean that we should vandalize Wikipedia furiously, and redirected their page on Karma to Coincidence.
At press time, Uncyclopedia still did not exist, and many in the community expressed doubt that the Wikia Council would ever reinstate the site. With the recent drama over the domain change, and the promise of ads descending swiftly into every corner and crevasse of our wiki, we seem to be simply too much trouble to be bothered with. This reporter considers it to be good while it lasted, and offeres up a toast to the good old days of Uncyclopedia.
Image of Dog Holding Paper, not used in UnSignpost for over Nine Months, Makes Glorious Return to UnSignpost
This reporter is proud to say that, after being absent from the UnSignpost for over nine months, our lovable mascot "DogNewspaper" has returned to grace this periodical once again. DogNewspaper made his debut in the second issue of the UnSignpost, which covered such stories as 'UnSignpost created' and 'Uncyclopedia is the worst'. After bringing you the second story in issues 2 through 5, DogNewspaper was promoted to "top dog", and accompanied the lead story for four issues in June 2008.
DogNewspaper took an extended hiatus after Issue 9 to "see the world" and, more urgently, "sniff the world". After many exciting adventures, our mascot is back to stay, and will likely be used many more times in the coming months in what editor Gerrycheevers referred to as "blatant space-filler. DogNewspaper can take a story and squish it to the left side of the page, extending its length. Now get off my lawn!" DogNewspaper declined to comment, but did wag his tail enthusiastically before rolling over in an effort to have his belly scratched.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 18:01, Apr 2
UnSignpost April 9/10th, 2009[edit]
Now with 20% more ninjas!
April 9th, 2009 • Issue 42• We Give the In-jokes Recycling Center 90% of Their Business!
Cabalists Decide Cabal Membership At Adequate Amount, Deny Existence of Cabal
Uncyclopedia administrators this week decried the lack of need for new recruits, as they are wholly confident in their ability to secretly control the wiki from behind a moth-eaten curtain. On the voting page, which this reporter will probably be banned for pointing out to the common folk, the current cabal members expressed their desire to see more normal non-admins, or 'normies', be involved with the recent changes page. However, the option for another member being inducted into the cabal was declined, as things like the ban patrol and the Cajek Alert System seem to be running just fine, thank you very much.
Cabalists were adamant about their opinions. RAHB had the following to say: "I cannot confirm the non-existence of the non-existent cabal, being that it does not exist, and I'm no Harry Potter-reading fantasy boy. I can however confirm the existence of puppies. THEY'RE ADORABLE!" The non-existence of the cabal was further emphasized by Mordillo who declined comment when approached as he was leaving the Secret Cabal Headquarters & Tiki Lounge.
Experts were skeptical of the existence of the cabal, but point out that nothing should be ruled out. "Woof," said UnSignpost political correspondent DogNewspaper (pictured), citing the low level of vandalism and general dickery since the recent opping of Under user and MrN9000, who have become known to Uncyclopedians as "The Redcoats".
Co-Creator of UnSignpost Introduces New Creation
Dr. Skullthumper, co-founder of the very newspaper you are reading right now, has unrolled his newest creation, the NetBar. UnSignpost editors were too busy and ridden with jealousy to investigate the nature of this new invention, but our technology correspondant DogNewspaper (pictured) was willing to speculate on the new gadget. "Bark bark," he proclaimed, elaborating that this new thing is most likely some sort of candy bar or online tavern.
This is not the first time the good doctor has abandoned the UnSignpost to work on other equally trivial projects. Fnoodle, disguised as a harmless spellcheck wiki-bot, is actually a perfect one-eight replica of Skull. This entity has nearly 20,000 edits, mostly vandalisms of pages in Thekillerfroggy's userspace. However, Fnoodle has sat abandoned in the doctor's sandbox since last October, since all of said doctor's time recently has been poured into his new project, the NetBar.
Uncyclopedians had mixed reactions today. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user had this to say: "What the fuck is a NetBar?" A gathering in the Uncyclopedia break room formed, with users misguidedly attempting to ward off squirrels with the NetBar. When reached for comment, Dr. Skullthumper said, "What's an UnSignpost?"
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
Hand-delivered by Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 22:19, 9 April 2009 (UTC)
Bot work[edit]
Was it my imagination, or did you recently mention THEDUDEBOT might be available for delivery work this week? I ask merely because the latest issue is hot off the presses and ready to stuff talk pages across the wiki. --UU - natter 08:42, Apr 16
UnSignpost April 16th, 2009[edit]
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
April 16th, 2009 • Issue 43 • It's News Because We Tell You It Is
Latest Poo Lit Leads to Quality Flood on VFH
The first article nominated to VFH from the competition also came with a bold prediction by one numbskull, who questioned his existence if Karl Lagerfeld did not receive 20 For. votes. At 03:57, 11 April 2009 the 20th For vote was cast by Thekillerfroggy and it's safe to say that the author of this instant Uncyclopedia classic should be considered the overall champion with his three entries garnering him two first place articles and one second place finish. Unscrupulous Unsignpost reporters
One of our winners was not only a perfect 1/1 by winning the best rewrite category with Money but Sycamore also received the vaunted Writer of the Month trophy for March 2009!
A user that happens to wander in and write us an offering on occasion claimed a share of first place in the alternative namespace category with the UnNews article Obama unveils education reform plans. Monika should drop in more often!
Worst 100 of the Year Stumbles to 10 Things
There are several schools of thought as to why this situation has been allowed to arise. One gaining currency among quite literally possibly some Uncyclopedians is that everyone on the site is so busy producing quality material that they just don't have time to devote to such frivolities. However, the continued existence and rate of progress of Forum:Count to a million neatly quashes that theory. Another hypothesis advanced by as many as no or fewer people is that precisely nothing of any interest to anyone has happened, either on this wiki or on the interwebs in general this year. However, while this is significantly more likely than the first theory, the generally accepted explanation seems to be that, quite simply and predictably, Uncyclopedia is the worst.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
Hand-delivered by —Sir Sockpuppet Of An Unregistered User 15:53, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
hey dudeman, just wondering if you were going to be around a little later to fire up that robot sidekick of yours for some paper deliverin'. 16:45, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
- I was going to and then my computer broke. Don't you love when shit like that happens/ Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 22:35, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 23rd April 09[edit]
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
April 23rd, 2009 • Issue 44 • Spamming Your Talkpage Since 2008
Conservation Week Largely Ignored By UnCommunity
Uncyclopedia is currently halfway through its bi-annual (semi-annual?) rewriting extravaganza, lovingly referred to as Conservation Week. Every six months, members of this silly wiki partake in the practice of pruning, hacking, nurturing, feeding, and otherwise bothering the 'trees' of the site, which is the running metaphor for 'article'. From the greatest feature machine to the lowliest n00b, everyone can participate in Conservation Week by simply finding a sub-par article and making it better via trimming or adding content, or just plain magic.
However, our special investigator DogNewspaper (pictured) has discovered that this so-called Rewrite-a-Thon is not the all-encompassing entity it is meant to be. In fact, normal operations such as VFD, VFH, and the Cajek Ban Joke Factory have not ground to a halt as they clearly should during this special fortnight. Users were puzzled by this revelation; RabbiTechno admitted that he has "little idea what 99.9% of the whole site is all about," and he elaborated that without his constant vigilance, UnNews would surely deteriorate into a third-rate media parody, which this reporter can verify is true.
Known conservation standouts have also shockingly participated in non-rewrite-related activities during the designated tree-hugging week. Dexter111344, reigning Greasy Mechanic, blamed the inclement weather, nosy librarians, and the almighty Zeus. Or maybe he just rewrote Zeus, but the librarian part was true for sure.
UnSignpost Reporter Subtly Mentions Vigilance Week In Article; Chaos Ensues
In the April 23rd, 2009 edition of the UnSignpost, masked co-chief-editor Gerrycheevers covertly linked the word 'vigilance' to Uncyclopedia's Vigilance Week page, inciting riots and mass panic among Uncyclopedians site-wide. Vigilance Week, the mere mention of which often inspires multiple forums where users argue and complain in bold or even italic font, is a period where the rules of article deletion are relaxed, and the worst articles on Uncyclopedia are loaded into the basement of the British Houses of Parliament and blown up using comical amounts of gunpowder.
The last Vigilance Week reportedly occured in September/October 2007, resulting in the death of borderline humorous articles by the dozens. The horrific memories of that week have greatly affected some Uncyclopedians, who remain extremely charged about the issue to this day. For example, Modusoperandi recalled his experience when asked to comment on Vigilance Week, saying, "Certainly. What's "Vigilance Week"?" Other users were similarly shocked, as V-Week, as it has come to be known, was described as "unmemorable" by one user, and "get off my lawn" by another.
However, the passion that Vigilance Week stirs up is negligent when compared to the shitstorm that results upon the mention of that black sheep of Uncyclopedia holidays: Forest Fire Week. This period in the Fall of 2006, when Uncyc was still really an infant in wiki-years, saw over 3000 articles deleted, more than 15% the total website content at the time. In fact, this very article will probably merit at least one forum regarding FFW despite this periodical's poor circulation and low-quality electrons.
At press time, the subtle link to Vigilance Week had caused a medium-sized riot, with hordes of angry users tipping over cars in the Uncyclopedia Parking Structure and setting the animals in the Uncyclopedia Zoo loose. The Cabal is poised to get involved by seizing all media outlets and gener- ATTENTION COMMONERS. ALL IS WELL. THERE WILL BE NO OCCURENCES OF ANY DELETION WEEKS OF ANY KIND. FURTHERMORE, COMEDIC ALLOWANCES WILL HEREBY BE INCREASED FROM 80 GRAMS TO 65 GRAMS. THIS MESSAGE IS NOT THE DOING OF THE CABAL, AS THERE IS NO CABAL. GOODNIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 22:30, Apr 23
UnSignpost! 1st Anniversary Special!!![edit]
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
April 30th, 2009 • Issue 45 • The periodical that - Jesus Christ it's a lion get in the car!
UnSignpost Editors Too Busy Working on Anniversary UnSignpost to Bother with This Week's Issue
Since next week marks the incredible one-year anniversary of the storied UnSignpost, the editors are focusing all of their efforts on that issue and thus leaving this issue out in the cold. Rest assured that next week's 46th issue, marking the 46 weeks in the year on the Uncyclopedia calendar, will be "a bumper special issue" according to co-chief-editor Under user.
The promise of a special bonus issue brings to mind several of the UnSignpost's more notable issues, such as the All-Kitten Issue and the Seventeenth Issue Spectacular. Reactions to the milestone were mixed in the community. "I feel the signpost has in many ways brought a little too much cabal propaganda to the site for my liking," said noted good-looking tree Sycamore. Were there a cabal, cabal authorities would currently be on the way to Sycamore's house to arrest him. Lucky for him there is no cabal.
By the way, if you really thought this was the first anniversary issue, you suck.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
Hand delivered by Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 22:28, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost is proud to present its 1st Anniversary Special[edit]
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
May 5th, 2009 • First Anniversary Issue! • Disdaining news in favour of blatant self-promotion
Self-Proclaimed Greatest Newspaper on the Wiki Reaches First Birthday
The early issues were churned out at a great rate by the founding editors, and Cajek was so enthused by the project that he suggested to Skullthumper that they should move to a twice-weekly release - fortunately, this suggestion was shot down in flames by the doc, or the paper may never have celebrated a second month, let alone a full year! Skullthumper was first to leave the Signpost behind for pastures new, perhaps feeling his work was already done. Looking back nostalgically now at those heady early days, Skull exclusively observed: "Well! Working on the UnSignpost in the beginning was a really fun experience, not gonna lie. Cajek and I were both super excited about it. I'm glad it existed through to today, entirely by the help of other people. The setup was seriously the most fun part. We had NO clue what we were doing, we were experimenting with formatting, content, and a bot that only worked half the time. To summarize: It kicked ass. I had no idea it was about a year ago that it started."
With only Cajek powering it, the Signpost forged onwards, but was beginning to run into troubled waters - even Cajek's legendary enthusiasm was beginning to founder, and when he began to struggle for time, he asked DJ Irreverent to take the helm. We asked Cajek for a nostalgic comment about the Signpost, but he was unavailable, so instead here's a random line from one of his articles: "Also, don't be surprised if you go to jail for what society deems "gross", "horrible", and "Satanic": it's all part of being an ant keeper... and an ant "watcher"". The DJ managed to steady the ship (how long can we sustain this metaphor?), but struggled to handle the torch he'd been passed by his adopter (looks like we didn't sustain it very long - never mind!). Asked to comment on this turbulent period, the DJ exclusively remarked: "I dropped said torch like a ton of bricks as a good child should always do. I could not take on the family business, I needed to dance. Anyway, I wrote about 2 articles".
So the pattern of users taking over the paper, only to burn out and abandon it again was becoming well established. Next in the editor's chair was UU, who lasted about 6 issues, before becoming so overwhelmed by the pressures of the paper that he went and got married in order to have a good excuse to get away from it for a few weeks. Recalling those halcyon days, UU told us exclusively: "I love the Signpost, and have had a great time working on it. It does get in the way of writing real articles though, as some users might testify, and it can be a pain to come up with stories each week - hopefully this issue might spark a few people to put some more ideas in the press room".
Fortunately, UU had taken the foresighted step of questioning the staying power of one Gerrycheevers in a previous issue's "comeback of the week" box, and Gerry was so determined to prove he had what it took, that he took over the paper while UU swanned off around the world. Cheevers's time at the helm brought such classic issues as the all-kitten issue, and his exclusive dewy-eyed remembrances run thusly: "I'm proud for having successfully stolen this periodical from Cajek and Skull, and I look forward to many more years of turning forums into news stories, dredging up old features that nobody cares about, and of course making tedious Cajek ban jokes. I also demand a raise and Cajek's office!"
Unfortunately, Cheevers's staying power lived up to UU's expectations, and Gerry took another small break. UU returned to the paper, and frantically enlisted contributions from the likes of Orian57 and Heerenveen to keep the wheels of news turning smoothly. Asked for comment on his input, Orian exclusively told us: "It's a been a great help in bonding together this community. And it's made things more interesting, what with everyone trying to do news worthy things just to get their names in the paper. Or something, I can't manufacture funny under pressure and this is pressure because you're gonna put this in the paper just to humiliate me now, aren't you?". Hv, meanwhile, exclusively commented: "It's amazing that our wonderful newspaper has lasted for so long, especially when you figure
Gerrycheevers has been fully back on board since early this year, UU is still hanging around in between banning people and huffing stuff, and with other contributors still pitching in, plus a plentiful supply of Cajek bans to use as padding (see next story), it looks like the immediate future of the paper is in
Wish we'd gotten a quote from Cajek though. Bastard.
Cajek 100 Ban Extravaganza
During the very same week that Uncyclopedia's most well-known journalism source (suck it, UnNews!) celebrates its first birthday with much cake and punch, one of its co-founders achieved his own personal milestone by being banned for the one hundredth time. Rumors of making Cajek an admin when he reached the milestone have thus far not proven to be true, although he may have magically gained sysop powers upon entering triple-digit territory and we just won't know it until he comes back from wherever he's hiding in a hailstorm of admin-related activity (whatever it is that they do).
The milestone was reached largely thanks to users such as Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, who took to the streets in a grassroots effort to raise awareness, and Gerrycheevers, who went directly to certain sysops with demonstrably active bansticks pleading for a "Cajek-whooping." The landmark 100th ban was achieved yesterday, with the good Dr. Skullthumper blocking Cajek with an expiry time of "a milestone". The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Cajek, and also plead for his return.
Cajek was unavailable for comment, and this reporter was once again chased off of the grounds of the Cajek Mansion, this time by the abstract philosophical concept of existentialism.
From the desk of the Cabal Special
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
Hand-delivered by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 18:38, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost May 14th[edit]
The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!
May 14th, 2009 • Issue 47 • And you will know our name is the UnSignpost when we lay our news upon you!
Wales Speaks Exclusively to UnSignpost!
When pressed on these vital issues, Jimbo confided to us: "You kids get offa my pipe! Now, where's my lawn?" These are words that every user will interpret in their own special way - Jimbo, like all great orators, has the ability to make profound pronouncements that each and every listener will put their own unique spin on, so that it seems he is talking to them alone. Whatever pearl of wisdom you find in this oracular utterance, we are sure it is exactly what you were intended to find.
Crowning Acheevement
Rules < Funny: The Essay
Is it a Usergroup if there are no Users Grouped in it?
In January 2009, archaeologists from the Philippines dug through the ruins of the usergroups and found compelling evidence that there is still a small amount of activity in the UNSOC group, whose interim leader Necropaxx was heard to observe "UNSOC has about 3 or so active users right now; we just keep that gigantic list to inflate our numbers".
The non-existent Cabal have not made any comment about this being a dastardly plan of theirs to ensure the "golden Age" of Uncyclopedia 2005-2007 remains sacrosanct. Because they don't exist, obviously.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
Hand-delivered by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 18:54, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost May 21st[edit]
Just like Grandma used to make!
May 21st, 2009 • Issue 48 • I've seen news you... people wouldn't believe
Glorious Cajek return story
People disappearing, people reappearing, people with little time on their hands, bots unavailable
In the mean time, fortunately, several other users have made glorious returns to Uncyclopedia. As documented elsewhere, a Cajek is apparently back and doing stuff. MNM5150 has been doing some things around places, mostly the forums. Readmesoon has been spotted at VFH and a few talkpages. Yettie has been sporadically active. And Todd Lyons has been doing more stuff recently than he was doing less recently.
A lot of users seem to be unable to contribute as their work/school requires them to spend their time on "useful" things. The more young adult users/little kids seem to be struggling with certain "finals", like Mahm00shA for instance. SysRq appears to be working on his graduation. Statistics show that Hyperbole's activity has been rather low, but recently increased dramatically. For how long this trend will continue is uncertain.
UU has been here intermittently, but keeps proclaiming himself to be "busy". He commented "I don't have time. In fact, I may not even have time for banning and deleting today, things are going fucking nuts! [...] I have teetering mounds of work, and nowhere near enough time! Arrrrrgh! (I almost feel a second exclamation mark coming on, but nothing's that bad...)" He then proved himself to be a big fat liar by editing this story and various other bits of the UnSignpost.
Additionally, while Wikipedia is being overrun by bots, they seem to have gone completely extinct on Uncyclopedia. This has led to our beloved Socky becoming partly mechanized in order to fill the role of paperbot. However, he is currently planning to get his bot operational so he won't have to tire his arse off every week.
Porn! Porn! Pr0n!
There has been somewhat of a controversy as of lately about the existence of supposed pornographic images on Uncyclopedia. Some support the view "Only if it's funny.", while others say "Meh." The controversy led Orian57 to put all his gay porn on QVFD. Optimuschris was quoted saying "I don't know what the fuss is all about, there's no porn on Uncyclopedia!" The discussion seems to have concluded in something like "If it's really bothering you and isn't funny in any way, delete it!"
Mnbvcxz might also want to add that pictures showing prominent nudity could give rise to some legal issues, though he wasn't actually available for comment, so we can't really be sure.
Usergroups! Usergroups! Usergroups!
War is raging in usergroup land. IC, suffering major losses, has been grinded to a halt and was forced into defensive strategy, regressing to trench warfare. But UNSOC, with masses of new recruits, has declared an all out war against any potential competition.
Meanwhile, a new powerful group has arisen, Der Unwehr, and they have established themselves as a force to be reckoned with. The Goa Tse Clan has gone into hiding and remains a mystery to most Uncyclopedians.
"The End" is being foretold once more
Since this UnSignpost issue almost didn't make it to the press, it was inevitable that there would be foretellings of "The End" and it being "near". On Forum:Count to a million, Orian57 was found stating "we could all die [...] then how stupid would we look?" A lot of users made somewhat eccentric speculations on how several issues were related to this "impending doom".
Multiliteralist, Cajek and Optimuschris posted the following "articles" in response to a request to write something for the UnSignpost.
Porn and the impending doom
As we all know, the impending doom to all good things is caused by porn. This vile practice of drawing pictures of naked women has spread so wide among our young men that it is almost impossible to get them to do anything else.
User groups and the impending doom
No wai, the impending doom is caused by user groups!
Impending doom and porn
Our porn! The usergroups are coming, and with them...impending doom! Treasure these last few mumble with your porn for the end is nigh!
First person article about porn and impending doom
I was in a usergroup, watching porn. Suddenly I understood watching porn in a usergroup would do nothing against the impending doom. I got rather stuck, and forgot the reason. Later, I forgot about the impending doom as well. That's what watching porn in a usergroup will do to you. Suddenly I understood: if you are the first person in a usergroup, nobody can make you watch porn.
My advice
The perfect solution to problems with porn, usergroups, and the impending doom
Form your own usergroup and make others watch porn!
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
Brought to you by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 22:32, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
You said you were going to come back and let that bot of yours deliver the UnSignpost[edit]
But you didn't. That makes me sad. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 08:40, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
- On a related note, I'm thinking of getting my own bot. If you're still around occasionally, could you explain to me the workings of these bot thingies? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 08:42, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost! May 28th, 2009[edit]
The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Doi- AAAAHHHHH
May 28th, 2009 • Issue 49 • The kind of news your momma warned you about
Going Portal
What, some of you may ask, are portal pages? Well, rather than have us explain it laboriously for you (because that sounds like, you know, effort), why not take a look at the following highly sexy portals: Politics; Games; Science; History and Art. And with more to come including the intriguing concept of a Quaint portal from Cajek, one thing's for sure: there has recently been an increase in the number of portals on Uncyclopedia. What?
Nile and Nile related articles invade Uncyclopedia!
We also asked the wealthy Egyptian and Babylonian antique collector Mr. Great Lung Sphincter of Nebuchadnezzar the 1st to comment and he exclusively replied: "Nile doesn't have any power. Now the Tigris-Euphrates, that's a different story". Not only does this tell us that the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists are cooler than Nile conspiracists, but that Nile could not invade Uncyclopedia even if they wanted to, and you should be afraid of the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists - very afraid.
To sum it up, there is no Nile and Nile related articles invasion of Uncyclopedia, just as there is no cabal.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
The only newspaper to be delivered by Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 19:38, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost June 4th, 2009[edit]
June 4th, 2009 • Issue 50 • I love the smell of news in the morning!
Todd not Lionised by all?
Lyons himself was deeply touched by the tribute, exclusively telling the USP: "I'm a bit surprised (though not touched, like the WotM nomination this month), because I generally shy away from the snappy/nasty ban summaries that would guarantee me a spot in the UnSignpost. Really, RDB is my #1 pick for this, and richly deserves to have a hate group on Facebook (if not several dozen by now). :) Second, if I had any insecurities that I'd lost my touch with the ban hammer after being on hiatus, they're gone. The arm's feeling great. The surgery seems to have been a 100% success. I'm feeling good that I'll be able to finish out the season and hopefully garner some interest as a bureaucrat when I become a free agent this fall."
The group's creator was unavailable for comment, probably due to being banned.
Comings and Goings
As you may or may not have noticed, there recently seems to be a flurry of returns and hiatuses (hiati?) on this silly wiki that some of us like to call Uncyclopedia. This could be due to a number of things: the end of the school year and thus the end of studying and finals; the summer season causing new and strange emotions in internet comedy writers; the revolving door recently installed at the Uncyclopedia headquarters. Regardless of the reason, those returning have been 'welcomed', and those leaving have been warned that their userpages will be mercilessly vandalized should their vacation extend overly long.
Popular aquatic creature user Finnius claims to have returned. His contributions since returning have thus far been limited to announcing his return in the forum (as required by Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435), but the Unsignpost is confident of a return laced with quality pee and other, less pungent useful contributions.
The elusive Cajek, a mythical creature once thought to exist only in the surreal dreams of squirrels, has returned gloriously upon the back of a giant squirrel. So at least some part of the myth was true. Take that, science! Other returns include Dexter111344 after a brief hiatus and Gouncyclopedia!, who evaded a years-long block to announce his return in the forums (UB435 again). Perhaps the most noted of all, faithful new dog Dognewspaper returns from a one-month hiatus to appear in this story.
Other users have seen a decline or all-out drop-off in their contribution level. SysRq remains on an indefinite hiatus. Gerrycheevers has seen his number of edits dwindle as of late. MrN9000 is still among the missing. Codeine is apparently gone as well, and Necropaxx will be losing his precious internet. We bid these users to hurry back, lest their userpages and works be smited with the hammer of pointless vandalism.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
Delievered by Saberwolf116 01:48, 5 June 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost June 11th/12th/whatever[edit]
I think I'm going crazy. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 13:08, 12 June 2009 (UTC)
Welcome to Uncyclopedia! (Seeing that you never were welcomed)[edit]
Hello, THEDUDEMAN, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for people like you:
- Beginner's Guide
- Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends
- How to be funny and not just stupid
If you read anything at all, make it the above three links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:
- About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
- How to get started editing on uncyclopedia
- Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue
I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.
At Uncyclopedia, writing articles is not a requirement, but it certainly is a fun and easy way to express your creativity. To write an article, it's recommended that you start it in your userspace (for example, User:THEDUDEMAN/Article about stuff) so you can edit it at your leisure. If you decide to create it in the cold world of mainspace, make sure it is in accordance with the policies laid out above, and if you're not done put the "Work-In-Progress" template - {{construction}} - onto it as well.
If you want to write and don't know where to begin, consider contributing to Uncyclopedia's current colonization of the week, a group writing project to improve a single popular article. Anyone is welcome to contribute, so come help out!
If the current colonization doesn't suit your fancy, then browse our rewrite and idea categories. We have lots of articles just sitting around for someone to improve, so don't be afraid - dive right in!
If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. Again, welcome! Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 16:48, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
Welcome to Uncyclopedia (Wouldn't it be awesome if you were welcomed twice?)[edit]
Hey there THEDUDEMAN, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thanks for your contributions. I hope you like it here. If not, I'm sure life will go on elsewhere. Anyway, here are a few good links for people like you:
- Uncyclopedia:Beginner's Guide to Being an Uncyclopedian
- Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends. We are not Myspace, or Facebook. Also, we don't care which of your friends is gay/a douche/an ass. That's called cyberbullying, and we don't like that here either.
- How to be funny and not just stupid. This is not an insult. Please read it. I personally read it twice before I edited anything.
If you read anything at all, make it the above three links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:
- About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
- How to get started editing on uncyclopedia
- Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue
I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.
At Uncyclopedia, writing articles is not a requirement, but it certainly is a fun and easy way to express your creativity. To write an article, it's recommended that you start it in your userspace (for example, I started my first article, Thou in my userspace (User:The Woodburninator/Thou) before moving it to main space. Lets say you wanted to do an article on Johnny Depp. You could create this in your userspace as User:THEDUDEMAN/JohnnyDepp) so you can edit it at your leisure. If you decide to create it in the cold world of mainspace, make sure it is in accordance with the policies laid out above, and if you're not done put the "Work-In-Progress" template - {{construction}} - onto it as well.
If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. If you want or need some help, just browse our list of available mentors, and leave them a message on their talk page. In closing, enjoy your time here. Just wipe your feet on the rug before you leave. You don't want to get the outside world all muddy, now do you? Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 16:52, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost! June 18th/19th![edit]
Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
June 18th, 2009 • Issue 52 • Thinly sliced news, between two slices of humor, with lettuce and hollandaise sauce
Votes for Sandwiches Officially Opens
This week, Votes for Sandwiches was established by Uncyclopedia Internetist and Lead Executive of Sandwiches, Spang. Previously some sort of secret cabal hazing page, lead cabalists have thrown the doors of VFS open to reveal thinly sliced meats on a variety of breads. Or they would have, if the cabal existed, which it doesn't. Official Cabal Spokesman Mordillo exclusively explained the new feature best: "The cabal, as part of its never-ending efforts to assert its all-consuming control over the citizenry, has now introduced voting for sandwiches. Each editor will be required to eat the elected sandwiches for the entire following month. Members of the cabal will closely observe voter's decisions to make sure that no vile sandwiches, such as BAKED BEANS ON TOAST WITH MELTED CHEESE, will be chosen. That's just vile. Editors will not be allowed to protest over the "democratically" "chosen" "sandwich". We're not Iran."
Reactions to the new voting page were mixed. Some users were excited for the opportunity to express their fondness towards various lunches, provided that those lunches are a sandwich. "I'm glad that sandwiches, a comedy staple due to their low-priced nature and assembly so simple that even a writer can construct one, are finally getting their due on Uncyclopedia," said resident criminology term Modusoperandi. Others were not so supportive of the move, and point to recent disturbing trends since the introduction of VFS, the most disturbing being the raiding of the fridge in the Uncyclopedia break room and the subsequent theft of all sandwiches. Well, maybe not all sandwiches, but one specifically marked "gerry's. do not eat." So far no group has claimed responsibility for this act of sandwich-related terrorism. I will find you, you little punk! And when I do, you're making me another sandwich!
Comebacks! Only $19.95! Call Now!
Following a month and a half hiatus, resident VFD overlord and prince of pants MrN9000 is alleged to have returned to the wiki. According to reliable sources, MrN was spotted responding to his talk page and maintaining QVFD, among various other tasks. What other things he may do remains to be seen. We do know, however, that he has been welcomed warmly by the community, with Mordillo giving him the brand new nickname "fucker" and various users bestowing an award of reliability on him.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Call Now And Get 2 for the Price Of 1!
Following in MrN's robotically symmetrical footsteps was noted keyboard component SysRq. After many weeks of inactivity, Sys has returned to once again putter the Imperial Colonization ship around Uncyclopedia Harbor. He has described his goals as "re-assimilate as best I can" and "Go to hell, Dex". We would like to welcome both of these users back to the loving Uncyclopedia family, and urge them to GET BACK TO WORK!!
Things Brewing In IRC
People are yelling at each other, stalking each other, and randomly talking to one another. What I am talking about is, of course, IRC, the highly controversial melting pot of Uncyclopedia, where users of all stands, races, and levels of activity can talk about unimportant issues. It has recently come to our attention that ruthless battles were being fought on the fields of IRC. Our correspondent decided to check things out for himself. He was confronted with gay dinosaurs, Star Wars references and general dickery. Though this one time visit cannot render a clear view of the complex nature of IRC, it might give us a glimpse into the mind of the common IRCer. The dark, mysterious character of IRC remains.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
You'd think I'd learn that this isn't fun to do... Oh well. Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 19:39, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
- You should ask a robot to do it. They hate fun. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 07:57, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
possible delivery[edit]
hey dudeman, might your robot buddy be able to deliver last week's signpost? only four days late! 15:14, 29 June 2009 (UTC)
- Well, he would have, if it hadn't already been done... Dicks, i was looking foreward to doing it. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 18:53, 30 June 2009 (UTC)
- sorry, the late posting screwed everything up. signpost ready on time thursday, or your money back! 19:25, 30 June 2009 (UTC)
- Good boy. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 21:17, 30 June 2009 (UTC)
- sorry, the late posting screwed everything up. signpost ready on time thursday, or your money back! 19:25, 30 June 2009 (UTC)
Unsignpost! June 25th or 30th[edit]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
June 25th, 2009 • Issue 53 • The newspaper that steals other newspapers' lunch money
Users Campaign to Delete Vast Portions of Uncyclopedia
Several users have recently begun campaigns to rid Uncyclopedia of some of its oldest, cruftiest, stalest content, or so they would have you believe. We at the UnSignpost aren't here to report anything other than the facts, including but not limited to: opinions, speculation, and pictures of cats with funny captions.
First on the chopping block was the Timeline series. This group of articles apparently chronicles the made-up version of history as recorded by people who aren't very funny. Dr. Skullthumper has taken the lead in the crusade against this unholy document, and reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users supported the good doctor, while others appreciated his sentiment but enjoyed the crisp, fresh smell of proper procedure much better. Noted deletionist Gwax made an appearance in order to streamline the effort to remove all of the unfunniness from the timeline, and he has been joined by several other users seeking to improve rather than delete the entire project.
Next in line for the guillotine was Uncyclopedia's longest-running and only soap opera, The Young and the Uncyclopedians. At the head of this movement is prominent murderous amphibian Thekillerfroggy, who made such bold claims as "Vanity, sir!" and "Words words words!" As this project is not merely a page but an entire slew of pages, it was rejected by the Uncyclopedia Deletion Tribunal, but further actions may be in the works.
When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"
Usefulness of IP Contributions Called Into Question...Again
The question of whether or not we should allow IPs to edit our precious humor wiki has been raised yet again, this time by plucky Der Unwehr founder Guildensternenstein. UnSignpost reporters were baffled by the concept of what an IP was, until it was explained that it is some sort of automatic vandalism robot designed to troll websites, post vanity, and ensure all articles make the proper amount of references to Chuck Norris.
The debate raged fiercely, with many users falling on either side of the so-called "IP line". One camp decided that the contributions from these entities did more harm than good to the community and its collection of humor. The opposing faction took up the opposite view: that IP editors were harmless and at worst an annoyance. Modusoperandi, the lead counsel for the IP defense team, made several compelling arguments, most notably the case that IPs are adorable and thus harmless. In the end, it was decided that IP editing is something we must live with, mostly because Conservapedia doesn't allow it, and we don't want to be any more like them than we already are.
When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
We're not late you're just high! Orian57 Talk 14:18 30 June 2009
Repeating deliveries..[edit]
I found that the "kick if stuck" option was making this a lot worse. I find it's better to turn the bugger off... Still happens sometimes, but not as often. Or not... MrN http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/e/e1/Goldboobs_Improved.jpg 19:31, Jul 3
- yea i figured thats what it was. either way its working better now, it was just getting caught up on some of the longer pages i think, and it would stop and i'd have to manually start it again. thanks for the heads up though. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 19:34, 3 July 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost: July 2nd, 2009[edit]
The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!
July 2nd, 2009 • Issue 54 • The newspaper with the name that's an anagram of "stop using n"
The Young and The Uncyclopedians Cancelled
After enjoying a long-running career and several writer changes, Uncyclopedia's fabled soap opera The Young and the Uncyclopedians was cancelled this week. And by "cancelled" we mean totally owned by Thekillerfroggy. It seems TKF finally had enough, and spent nearly an hour systematically deleting the entire series, which previously contained over 60% of all content in the UnScripts namespace. The newly freed electrons, no longer required for TYATU, can now be used for other Uncyclopedia-related tasks, such as boron smelting, and they may even be used to form a sort of crude bot that can edit The count to a million project automatically.
Not content with merely obliterating the entire series, Thekillerfroggy apparently became bored halfway through his holy crusade, and decided to get creative in the deletion summaries. As can be seen in a memorial erected by what is presumed to be a jilted fan of the show, TKF nostalgized and ranted, remembered and forgot, loved and lost, all while expressing his inner thoughts through the medium of deletion summaries. An example can be seen at the very end of his effort, where Thekillerfroggy writes: "Sigh./Well here's the home stretch/It's been real/We've had some good times/some bad times/But in the end/All we are is dust in the wind/So goodnight, sweet prince/Farewell TYATU/Fin."
Reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users held a candlelight vigil in userspace, where some of the episodes have been resurrected in a zombie-like form. Entertainment editor DogNewspaper (pictured) wagged his tail, perhaps expressing hope that one day a new soap opera, sitcom, or crime investigation show featuring Uncyclopedia editors would once again grace this site. We can only dream...
Main Page Suffers Spasms of Dickery
If you logged onto the Main Page sometime on July 2nd between 2:00 and 3:00 GMT (and if you can't figure out what time that is where you live, then don't expect us to provide it for you, we're not a bloody watch!), you may have noticed some subtle changes. Instead of the usual Wikipedia-like format, with carefully organized features, news stories, anniversaries, and vital information, you may or may not have found...something else.
You may or may not have found an intruiging offer to reffer freinds to take some sort of mp3-player related actions. You may or may not have found some sort of story with a vague theme of respecting one's elders, and everything about those elders, and we do mean everything. You may or may not have found some sort of strange mix of the two that left you with conflicting feelings. These feelings may or may not have included, but not been limited to: fear, anger, jealousy, confusion, fear again, and a vague sensation of falling.
The admins responsible for this will not be named here, due to their next probable course of action in the case in which we did mention them, which would most likely be something along the lines of turning every UnSignpost issue into a Euroipod, whatever that is. The only thing we can report on is that the shenanigans ended just over an hour after they began, with the Main Page being restored to its previous false information-rich state. However, this episode shows us that it will never be safe from the hijinks of that group of admins, who, again, will not be named.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 19:38, 3 July 2009 (UTC)
Hello, {{subst:BASEPAGENAME}}, and thanks for joining Uncyclopedia! Before editing further, please take a gander at our Beginner's Guide. Or, since this is the mirror version of the site, you may view the alternate version of the Beginner's Guide. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, check out the following pages:
- About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
- Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue
Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.
Differences from the Main Sites[edit]
Some quick differences from the two main sites:
- Vanity pages are permitted here, but not at the two main sites.
- Endless, stupid lists are permitted here, but not at the two main sites. However, please free to make the lists less stupid, or better yet, rewrite them as paragraphs.
- Votes for Deletion is not used here.
- Pages from the main sites that were deleted there, do not automatically get deleted here.
- Votes for Highlight (i.e. featured articles) is not used here.
- The forum pages are not active.
- You will not usually get banned for making the same mistakes repeatedly, especially concerning sucky writing.
- Sockpuppets do not automatically get banned here, unless they make the same mistake as their original account that was banned here did. Unless they are sockpuppets of major vandals.
- Banned users here may still post on talk pages as IP's without incurring a ban, due to the above. Trolling on talk pages will however, sooner or later get you banned, depending when someone actually visits the page next.
- If you are banned on the main sites, you may still post here as long as you aren't a spammer, vandal or a blanker on this site.
- Image galleries are permitted, unlike the main sites (with a few exceptions).
- This site is hosted in Canada so is not subject to the same rules as US-hosted sites regarding copyright take-down notices.
- The web host of this site is MUCH harder to contact than on the main sites.
- This site tends to be offline more often than the main sites.
- You may have to put a ? after the page url to see changes you made to the page.
Similarities to the Main Sites[edit]
- Cyberbullying is forbidden. This includes putting your classmates names in articles, which will be reverted by an admin or the classmate, depending who noticed it first. This also includes writing negatively about your classmates.
- Posting personally identifying information of real-life people is forbidden.
- Posting personally identifying information of real-life pets is not forbidden, but may get you made fun of.
- Short stub articles are likely to get deleted on sight. (In other words, anything less than 4 paragraphs with no headers and images.)
- You are likely to find something here that offends you, if you look hard enough. That is not an excuse to blank pages.
- You are likely to find something here that you think sucks, eventually. That is not an excuse to blank pages. (On the main sites, take it to Votes for Deletion, on this mirror site, please post on an admin's talk page.)
- Blanking pages will usually get you banned.
- Copying and pasting mass articles from Wikipedia will get you banned. Even if you use multiple IP's to do it.
- Censoring pages is likely to be undone by the next editor after you.
- Collaborating with other editors is encouraged.
- Writing funny articles is encouraged.
- Writing unfunny or incomplete articles may get them moved to your userspace, with an accompanying note on your talk page.
- Posting spam pages/commercial spam will get you banned and/or your product/service mocked.
- Advocating atrocities, genocide, or criminal acts in an unfunny way is likely to get you banned sooner or later, depending on when an active admin notices.
- Posting one line or less of content as an article will generally get deleted as QVFD worthy, even if it is in the userspace of an IP. Don't worry, most of your single line of content will show up in the deletion summary, unless you violated the cyberbullying or no doxing rules.
- Replacing an article with one line of content (blanking), unless that article violates our other rules, will be automatically reverted, as soon as an active admin notices.
- If you do not want anyone else to edit your article, keep it in your userspace. Articles outside your userspace are fair game for anyone to edit, though you are free to add any articles to your watchlist. Notices to the reader not to edit the article will be ignored, either by someone editing the article, or by someone moving or deleting the article.
If you need help, feel free to ask me on my talk page, ask at the community forum at the main site or in the chatroom, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, our Adopt-a-Noob program on the main sites can bring experienced editors straight to you. Our main sites are at http://uncyclopedia.ca and http://en.uncyclopedia.co. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! -- TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 00:29, 6 July 2009 (UTC)
delivery thanks[edit]
hey dudeman, thanks for the signpost delivery! will you be around in the coming weeks for subsequent deliveries? 13:11, 6 July 2009 (UTC)
- yes I shall. Unless I get banned cause of UnSurvivor. But even then, I'll still be able to Sockpuppet TheDudeBot. BTW you should do a story about UnSurvivor. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 18:56, 6 July 2009 (UTC)
additional thanks[edit]
thanks for the article dudeman! i requested a delivery in the press room, are you available? 19:46, 9 July 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 9th July 2009[edit]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
July 9th, 2009 • Issue 55• Help! I'm trapped in a newspaper printer!
Survivor returns to Uncyclopedia after almost two years
In late 2007, a man by the name of Leoispotter had the idea to bring his favorite reality show to Uncyclopedia. Thus, the first season of UnSurvivor was created. After five thrilling rounds of voting, Mr. Briggs Inc. managed to win against the other finalist, Thekillerfroggy, by a mere two votes.
Flash forward almost two years. Kingkitty, a competitor in the first UnSurvivor, decides it's time for another go-around, and season 2 is born. In an exclusive interview with Mr. Kitty, he had this to say: "Well, I was bored ("and crazy", says one passing by civilian) and I thought: 'perhaps the community could do something fun, and stop with all this writing bullshit.'" When later asked what he thought about this current season, he said, "It's showing to be bigger and better than last season, with more betrayals, more violence, more whining, and more betrayals. Lots of betrayals. Mostly of me."
Currently, UnSurvivor Season 2 is in its final round of voting, where the voted-off members of the game get to vote on the finalist they want to win. The finalists this season are: after last seasons defeat, Thekillerfroggy, and newcomers to the show, THEDUDEMAN and An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays. Voting is set to take place over 72 hours instead of the usual 24, and the winner will be announced sometime Friday July 10th. After this, according to Mr. Kitty, there "probably" will be a season 3, and it will be bigger and better than anything ever before.
Uncyclopedians pay crass tasteless tribute to Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson, the legendary King of Pop, touched many lives, and the news of his untimely demise has left a deep void in the lives of his millions of fans and victims. Fans all over Uncyclopedia, stricken by grief, flocked by the dozens to mourn their departed hero in the only way they knew how: through the medium of humour.
They ranged from perfunctory to crude to mediocre, but each expressed a deeply profound sadness that the weird plastic rapist was no more. (Yeah, "weird plastic rapist". That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.)
Tributes continue to pour in despite the fact that it is no longer funny or clever. With the stage set for a long, protracted battle over his kids and estate, Uncyclopedia expects that unfunny people will continue to get mileage out of this story for many weeks to come.
Uncyclopedia admins plan to send a selection of the best "tributes" to the Jackson family, along with the number of a company that recycles plastics. (That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.)
Editors emerge from woodwork, contribute to UnSignpost
This week, when UnSignpost Active Editor Gerrycheevers brought up the Uncyclopedia page containing the currently in-progress UnSignpost, he suffered a minor heart attack upon finding that two stories had already been added to the paper. It seems both An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays and THEDUDEMAN, both newly given the title "Consulting Editor", took exception to being named "Consulting Editor" and took it upon themselves to blanket the UnSignpost with awesomeness.
Unsignpost Payroll Manager DogNewspaper (pictured) bared his teeth at this development, indicating his frustration at having to re-issue new timecards to both editors. Gerrycheevers is expected to make a full recovery; flowers can be sent to the Uncyclopedia Infirmary and Shooting Range.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 22:47, Jul 9
You won that survivor thing! Go bother mudkips for your awards or whatever on IRC. - T.L.B. WotM, UotM, FPrize, AotM, ANotM, PLS, UN:HS, GUN 17:38, Jul 11
- yay. I sleepy... /me falls am... snore Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 17:45, 11 July 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost: July 16nd, 2009[edit]
Word to your mother.
July 16th, 2009 • Issue 56 • This is a Pathetic Joke
User Return Causes Widespread Panic
This week noted user An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays returned to the wiki, and immediately rendered that return "triumphant". However, other users are beginning to feel the effects of the presence of this primate whose quantum mechanical properties dictate that he be only during certain periods of the week. This incident left onlookers shocked, and worrying if something similar could happen to them. Not since the return of a scantily-clad Olipro has this website seen such a display of sheer terror mixed with complete confusion (and in the case of Olipro, a bit of curious arousal mixed in).
The aforementioned incident involved one user who had AATOEOT embedded in his dreams. Most curiously, this episode seems to have happened on a Friday night, a time period when an An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays should decidedly not exist. Nearly a week has passed without further disruptions, although that may be partially due to Ape's ban after being kicked off of the Uncyclopedia island during a rousing game of Uncyclopedia Survivor. Regardless of the reasons behind the strange occurrences, users should be sure to keep an eye out for strange occurrences on and off the wiki...particularly on Thursdays.
Flood of Crap Nearly Overflows VFD
For the last few days, an explosion of nominations has inundated Uncyclopedia's waste removal system, Votes for Deletion. After a period of low activity, where there would typically be just a few to several nominations, things picked up last week. In the last few days, the situation has accelerated into what is being called by experts a "shit-ton" of undesirable content festering in the dark, unvisited corners of the wiki. Said undesirable content is currently being read, discussed, and dealt with accordingly, as is the usual procedure at the highly efficient VFD.
Circumstances have escalated to the point of rattling a few relaxed admins. One such incident involved a user getting the customary one-day ban for increasing the active nomination count past twenty, when the user in question had, in fact, only increased the number of active noms to twenty. Owing to the normal tendency of the article count of VFD to stay in the low single digits lately, the lapse is certainly forgiveable, and was quickly corrected. Afterwards the two parties exchanged pleasantries and shared a S'Mores which was roasted over the open bonfire of newly deleted articles.
Former poopsmith MrN9000 commented on the situation, saying, "Well you know I fancy the standards at VFD have improved significantly in recent times. Not so long ago it would often just be a quick "Short and Shit" vote from UU, and the latest stub was on for a huffing. These days we are spending more time voting on closer votes and are deleting much better articles than we used to! Something VFD is really proud of." In a final display of VFD patriotism, MrN added, "CHECK THE PAGE HISTORY BEFORE NOMINATING YOU BUGGERS!"
Orian57 On Fire
Noted rainbow-colored user Orian57 has recently enjoyed a remarkable string of success (pictured on right). He has scored an unprecedented natural hat trick of features, with UnBooks:Daddy, There's a Zombie in the Garden, LazyTown, and UnScripts:Trapped at Sea reaching the front page on consecutive days. Not since the time of such legends as Savethemooses and The Thinker have such lofty VFH records been broken. Although in the case of STM, there were probably mitigating factors involved, like wooden articles rather than aluminum, or something. Or aluminium, that strange substance only found in England by mining thousands of millions of other strange occurences, such as referring to the trunk of a car as a "boot".
This god-like spasm of awesomeness is fresh on the heels of Orian's Writer of the Month win in June of this year. Since the beginning of that month, he has seen six of his works grace the front page, and he shows no signs of slowing down. When reached for comment, he explained, "Well I suppose it's down to being fantastic. And unemployed. But mostly being fantastic." The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Orian on his recent spat of win, and express hopes he will continue the pattern well into the future.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 22:22, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
Yum! You've received a basket of delicious fresh bagels from RabbiTechno!
מזל טוב
UnSignpost: July 23rd, 2009[edit]
The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!
July 23rd, 2009 • Issue 57 • The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
Uncyclopedia Users Form Fantasy Football League
This week, several Uncyclopedians banded together under the leadership of one Guildensternenstein to form some sort of "Fantasy Football" organization. What exactly this entails is unclear, but it appears that the football- and soccer-related fantasies of the participating members will be carried out in the semi-private confines of the forums.
Reactions were mixed to this development, with some users expressing emotions ranging from apathy to indifference. Others voiced concern about children, decency, and lewd public conduct. "My little boy came home today saying something about going to another boy's house to perform football fantasies!" said one outraged and confused mother.
Regardless of the small amount of negative feedback, participants are eager to begin fantasizing about their favorite football players, such as David Beckham. Bradaphraser had this to say: "The Fantasy Football League is a chance for Uncyclopedians to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday Uncyclopedia work and actually have some fun for a change. While I usually am busy with the administrating task of sitting on my lazy ass and doing nothing, this gives users a chance to see me in a more relaxed state."
"I fully expect that this venture will be just as successful as my recent run for the Presidency," continued Brad, "which I lost to Bradford Lyttle of the Pacifist party by a mere 110 votes. I fully expect to win one or possibly even two games in this upcoming season, assuming of course that a draft is eventually held." Said draft is scheduled to begin immediately, and assuming only a small portion of footballers flee to Canada to evade this draft, the Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League will be ready to hold its first game by opening day.
Village Dump Suffers From Rash of Inactivity
In a startling development, activity on Uncyclopedia's main gathering place, the Village Dump, has all but ceased. With The UnIdiot registering the sole comment in the last three full days, the normal flow of important, relevant conversation in the Forums appears to have dried up. While an excess of users can usually be found loitering aimlessly in the halls of the Dump, it appeared all but deserted as of press time.
Several theories have been raised, ranging from the intriguingly possible (July weather causes Uncyclopedians to go outside) to the exceedingly headache-inducing (Uncyclopedians are being abducted by giant space cabbages). However, one of the more interesting theories comes from our lead scientist and nature correspondant, DogNewspaper (unavailable for picture). He claims that while the Village Dump itself along with associated forums such as the Ministry of Love and the Help forum has seen a decline in activity, the so-called Benson's House of Pancakes has seen a shocking upswing in activity.
In the same time frame that only a single edit was made in the Village Dump, sixteen different topics were edited in Benson's Breakfast Domicile. DogNewspaper, that earlier mentioned nature correspondant, calls this a migration. "Woof," he claimed, elaborating that many users were unable to adapt to conditions found in the normal Village Dump, and were forced to relocate to the more hospitable Benson-related location. It is here, in the BHOP, that users are free to create topics concerning their own birthdays, the anniversaries of their birth, and memorials commemorating the day they were born. Whether the mass exodus is complete or not has yet to be seen.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
This edition is on time, and anyone who tells you differently is lying! THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 03:02, 25 July 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost: July 30th, 2009[edit]
It's on time, you were just high and didn't realize when it got here! THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 02:45, 4 August 2009 (UTC)
Hi Mr.Signpost Guy[edit]
I put a draft for the newest signpost issue, but nobody cares for it. What do you think of it?: Recently in the forums, BHOP's activity has arguably skyrocketed. An IP has started a new rhyming craze, the cheesy, crunchy snack food CheddarBBQ has revived many topics that were getting rather aged, such as Fantasy Football, a Shakira-esque topic, and even his own birthday's topic. Back on BHOP, the fruity user Neox's random storytelling and serious user YouKnowWhatTheMusicMeans' serious, dramatic storytelling have made Forum:Who HATES MochiAds? 2's story a complete, random mess. Finally, users have a had a heated battle over whether to ban the Abstain feature on VFH, which is ending up off-topic in the most random of ways. That's the forum news in your area, now here's Mr. G with the weather.--Bad Shroom 22:29, 3 August 2009 (UTC)
- Looks alright to me. Also, you don't have to ask to put in a story, you can just do it. Just the way it looks on my page, it seems a bit short. Throw in a picture of something and just make sure it look long ish and you're good. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 16:13, 5 August 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost! August 6th, 2009!! WE BE LATE, Y'ALL!!![edit]
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
August 6th, 2009 • Issue 59 • Painfully Extracting Nuggets of Truth from the Teeth of the News!
Uncyclopedia Triples Ad Revenue; Users Line Up For Paychecks
This week, Uncyclopedia's benign evil overlords, Wikia, shuffled the advertising layout on our fine website. Previously, the left sidebar contained just one Wikia spotlight. These spotlights are not advertisements as much as they are a way to whore Wikia and increase its position in some sort of Google rankings, since the links from the banner ads go from Wikia-hosted Uncyclopedia to Google and back to Wikia-hosted wikis on such relevant topics to users who are on a satire wiki as the Burnout Wiki and the Harry Potter wiki. These Google rankings are actually a series of thousands of monkeys at Google headquarters, who move beads around on giant abaci based on search engine hits. Users who click these cleverly disguised and probably illegal "double-switch" ads cause the monkeys to alter the beads in Wikia's favor.
However, in recent days this Wikia spotlight was moved to the bottom of each page rather than the sidebar and multiplied by three. A cursory look at any of the wikis linked in these spotlights results in a brutal assault of the senses, as they are all swimming in banner advertisements, sidebar advertisements, advertisements in the content, and links to highly useful Wikia features such as Wikianswers. While the increased number of spotlights on Uncyclopedia has not directly resulted in any cash flow, the increased Google bead rating has indeed caused Wikia stock to jump by six beads (the stock market is also organized using giant abaci, only it is operated by goats rather than monkeys). Wikia has decided to share credit for this jump in value with the users of Uncyclopedia, and all users will be receiving checks for equal amounts next Tuesday. The line forms behind Olipro, wherever he happens to be on Tuesday when the stock market goats arbitrarily decide to stop working for the day.
A Hell of a Time at the Village Dump
Recently in the forums, BHOP's activity has arguably skyrocketed. An IP has started a new rhyming craze, and the cheesy, crunchy snack food CheddarBBQ has revived many topics that were getting rather aged, such as Fantasy Football, a Shakira-esque topic, and even his own birthday's topic.
Back on BHOP, fruity user Neox's random storytelling and serious user YouKnowWhatTheMusicMeans' serious, dramatic storytelling have made Forum:Who HATES MochiAds? 2's story a complete, random mess. Also, Optimuschris and Modusoperandi have been having one hell of a time discussing the much-anticipated failing of the new G.I. Joe movie. Finally, users have a had a heated battle over whether to ban the Abstain feature on VFH, which is ending up as off-topic and random as an episode of Lost. Are there any cool discussions going on? That's the forum news in your area, now here's Mr. G with the weather, only on
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
Hand delivered by Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 21:20, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
New USP[edit]
We just finished This Week's UnSignpost. I know THEDUDEBOT was having some issues. Any chances he could deliver today? Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 21:22, 17 August 2009 (UTC)
- He'll give it a shot. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 00:25, 18 August 2009 (UTC)
- Well, MrN just fired up MrN9001, and got it all out there, so you're in the clear. Thanks for the (assumed later) help anyway. :> Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 21:12, 18 August 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 13th August 2009. It's not late. You are![edit]
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 21:15, Aug 18
Canteen dash[edit]
I've fixed it up a bit now, could you take another look at Canteen dash and tell me where I could make it better?
Thanks luiz127
- Well, luiz, it looks alot better than it did. generally, a few things to fix and change
- Don't bold topics. using the = or == will make it big enough.
- the equasion section seems a bit over the top. I'd go ahead and delete it, it doesn't seem to add anything to the article, and feels like you just forced it in there
- make the picture smaller, and maybe add in another or something
- last but not least, this comes off as a bit of vanity. At uncyc, we try and have as little in jokes as we can, but if its generalized, and well done, it can stay. I may be wrong, but it looks to me as this is something you have at your college with some of your friends. Try and make it more generalized, like popularization to other colleges or something. Check UN:VAIN for a better description of this.
- For a first article, this is coming out not too bad. It might not be the best but thats not expected for a first article. keep working, and write some more stuff if you like, you seem like you could do good here. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 01:08, 20 August 2009 (UTC)
You Found Lost in Space[edit]
Thanks for reverting the vandalism to Lost in Space. Binky The WonderSkull 04:05, 20 August 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 20th August, it's not late, your mom is![edit]
The Newspaper that WILL win Zombiebaron back, damn it.
Date August 20th, 2009 • Issue 61 • Where no news is normal news
Fantasy Football Draft Finished
After four weeks of red-hot eight-man free fantasy football league draft action, the first Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League (UFFL) Draft is finally at a close: Uncyclopedia regular and DiBiase's Millions general manager The Woodburninator made Arizona Cardinals' Kicker Neil Rackers Mr. Irrelevant on the afternoon of August 21th, 2009, a mere 26 hours after the previous pick had been made. Afterward, League Commissioner and noted Nazi sympathizer Guildensternenstein promised to make all subsequent Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League official actions run much more smoothly. He vowed he would "put the drafted players on their respective fantasy teams" at some point "after I'm done writing this story for the UnSignpost and before I go see Inglorious Bastards later tonight."
The draft itself was varied, and picks ranged from the predictable (Vikings' running back Adrian Peterson taken first overall) to the even more predictable (Falcons' running back Michael Turner taken with second overall pick) to the fairly predictable (Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady being the first three quarterbacks taken) to the downright wild. Notable steals include Guildy's nabbing of Chris Johnson in Round 5, Woody's snagging of Aaron Rodgers in Round 6, and Bradaphraser's criminal steal of Dallas tight end Jason Witten. For every good pick, there was a bad one, however: in moves that would make Al Davis proud, LongLiverh3 took Philadelphia's No. 3 receiver while their No. 1 and No. 2 receivers were still on the board, made 30th ranked tight end L.J. Smith the second overall tight end picked, and made Baltimore QB Joe Flacco his backup quarter back while the likes of Matt Schaub, Jay Cutler, Ben Roethlisberger and Eli Manning were still available. LongLiver could not be reached for comment.
New UnSignpost Editor already having trouble filling up space; Falls upon pointless gimmicks, self-references, long article titles to fill void
In a move that has surprised literally 0% of the Uncyclopedia UnSignpost community, the newest UnSignpost editor has already hit a wall in trying to think up new articles for the post. Well, that's not actually true. First he wrote a story trying to beg Zombiebaron to re-subscribe for the post. Then he actually looked at Zombiebaron's userpage to find out that he was actually leaving the site. Needless to say, the presses were called back, and more writing had to be done. Namely, this.
Now, we at the post already know what you are thinking. But, since putting those things into print is outlawed in 36 states, two Canadian provinces, and all of Lithuania, we will instead reference the fact that there have been an awful lot of self-referencing in the UnSignpost lately. For that we are truly sorry. Also, we are sorry for self-referencing our own self-referencing. It is truly a problem that continues to build upon itself. We hope to soon continue with the top notch reporting that is so often found in our hallowed archives. Such as the time we wrote about Spang's village dump conquests, or the time we self-referenced how the UnSignpost's lovable mascot, "Dognewspaper" had not been in the Unsignpost for over nine months. Or that time we wrote about the Fantasy Football Draft being finished. Yes, all of those times were good. And we plan - nae, promise - to, in the very near future, continue bringing those kinds of articles to your doorstep. That is, if you don't mind finding a bit of drool upon it.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 11:18, Aug 24
UnSignpost 4th September[edit]
The newspaper that missed an issue and no-one even noticed.
Date September something-or-other, 2009 • Issue 63 • Nobody reads this bit anyway
Left alone to write the entire UnSignpost, Ape delivers sub-par, mostly self-referential issue
"What happened to the signpost?" was the question on literally nobody's lips this week, as Uncyclopedia's favourite newspaper which everyone loves to read but no-one can be bothered to write for took another step on the long slow descent to obscurity.
However, our intrepid hero, i.e. me, soon discovered the enormity of the task that lay ahead of him. Boxes had to be filled, interesting and thought-provoking forums had to be discovered and linked to, block logs had to be accessed and trawled for witty comments (unsuccessfully, as it turned out) and this article and presumably another one below it had to be written.
"I never thought it could be this hard," Ape told himself, with sexual innuendo very much intended. "How did Gerrycheevers keep finding stuff to write about? There doesn't really seem to be much happening around here. I mean, I could start whoring my newest articles under the flimsy guise of self-referential irony, but that would be shit really. Who wants to see that? Nobody, that's who."
However, in the absence of anything funny or clever to say, our hero, (who is gradually being revealed to be more of an anti-hero, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, except with no sense of style) proceeded to do exactly that, shamelessly whoring two articles (which, if anything, evince his decline as a comedy writer), eliciting a universal chorus of groans and boos from all who had the misfortune to read it.
An appeal to the Uncyclopedia community
Seriously guys, if you don't want any more shitty issues like this I'm going to need help, or else the signpost is going to die like all the other well-intentioned projects that nobody bothers with. What we need is:
Thank you for your time.
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-- Soldat Teh PWNerator (pwnt!) 16:40, September 4, 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost Randomber 71th[edit]
The only newspaper that Codeine's mum has randomized
Date August 27th, 2009: THE RANDOM ISSUE • Issue 62 • Because the truth is not random enough
Random Headline
At 6:49 PM, sacrifices blessed a telephone. While bum was deconstructing, a stick suddenly sanctified. Life is a bed of roses, thorns and all. Avril Lavigne urinates ten-foot pole! God x-rays lithium! HOCKEY' WHITE RIGHTS'! Everything considered, wombat x-rays fondue forks!
Did the teacher divide...
On the contrary, not very golf salamander 2.718 417 BC feeling AngelFairyDust to receive rewards family room Rhiannon Lester frozen Sammie Jo dirtier fuck head Discordianism maid sharks with laser-beams Shannon Penman.
i am teh engry now!!!11!one
Babe Ruth was a total Bitch!
Look, I'm not saying he wasn't good at baseball! I'm not trying to destroy your great baseball heroes. But let's not kid ourselves here. Babe Ruth was a complete and total bitch. Come on. He couldn't catch the ball. And he whined at the umpires when people called him fat (even though he totally was). And he always talked about how much his feelings were hurt by people trying to buy him a beer.
Signpost Has Gone Officially Bat fuck Insane
Due to frequent lack of interest and excitement, this UnSignpost issue has now gone totally insa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Genital wart in the left politician! BOMB IRAN! HEIL CAJEK! Billy Bob. 2525 BC.
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Basically, please think of the 1986 buddys! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 01:48, 7 September 2009 (UTC)
Beginning Archer[edit]
I'm new here so maybe you can help me. I posted the contruction template on the Archery article that said, "This page is a work in progress. But let's give it a chance. The author will finish it later. Or maybe not. Should they choose the latter, within seven days, this page will not exist anymore. Now, go away!." I got the impression that meant I or whoever would be given that amount of time to work on it, and the critics could just go away. Then you posted an ICU template which largely said the same thing (in addition to saying some of the basics of creating an article, all of which I believe had already been done--and no, I don't think the article's anywhere near completion, which is why I posted the construction template). Your template also said I could find details on the article's talk page. So I went there looking for details that could help me, and found nothing but my owm comments. This leaves me slightly confused, so I would appreciate you helping me find my way through my comfusion so I can get on target. WHY??? 03:52, September 9, 2009 (UTC)
- whoops... Sorry bout that. When I went through it, I didn't see the Construction tag at the bottom of the page, normally its at the top, and to see it on my screen, i would have had to scroll down which wouldn't have made any sense because the article is finished except for images in the middle of the screen. I went ahead and deleted the ICU, it isn't made to be placed on an article with a construction tag. Also, sence when has ICU had anything telling you to see the talk page?... Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 23:45, September 9, 2009 (UTC)
- No problem. I'm just a temper tantrum-throwing noob. Stick something in my mouth and I'll shut up--no wait, forget that part. I see your point about my putting the tag at the bottom and not the top--that makes sense. I can see it would be really easy to miss at the bottom. I'll move it to the top as soon as I finish this. I had noticed that the feature box goes at the bottom, and there was some other box I looked at that said to put it at the bottom, so I thought that applied to this too. (Although frankly I think it would work well to put the feature tag at the top of an article--people may not bother to read an article that's a mess and never get to the bottom to know it had been featured. With a feature tag at the top, they might read it, at least the featured version). I didn't know when ICU said to check the article's talk page, so I checked. The change was made 7 April 2008. I should actually be thanking you for going through Uncyclopedia and checked articles for ICU. I imagine that's a big help in either improving bad articles or getting the bad out. Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn) 16:29, September 10, 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost September 10/17[edit]
Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/17-09-09 This would've gotten here last week, but it's my firs week as paperboy and I got lost. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:38, September 22, 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost: September 24th, 2009[edit]
Word to your mother.
September 24th, 2009 • Issue 65 • The Newspaper that Oscar Wilde Might Read Were He Still Among the Living
UnSignpost Subscriber List Trimmed; Remaining Subscribers Urged to Archive Issues, Settle Outstanding Bills, Refrain from Tipping Paperbots
This week, the hideously long UnSignpost subscription list was hacked down even further than The Woodburninator and others apparently hacked it down several months ago. This has resulted in a mass decline in the number of useless edits performed by paperbots and brave, bored souls who have nothing better to do than manually edit dozens of userpages on a weekly basis. The dregs that were cast off included those who have not registered an edit in six months, those who are permanently banned or close to it, and those with large, scary dogs that prevent paperbots from completing their routes unchewed.
The remaining faithful readers are asked to archive their talk pages if they are excessively long due to many hilarious editions of the UnSignpost, as paperbots are slowed down by the large load times of such pages, and paper-delivering users are likely to be distracted by uproarious back issues. Subscribers are also reminded that the monthly fee for talkpage delivery is seven Uncyclopedia credits. Extremely outdated Uncyclopedia currency, such as Yoinxx, will be subject to exceedingly unfair conversion rates. On a final note, readers are implored to avoid tipping paperbots, as it seems any sort of regular income tends to give robots inklings of sentience, and the last thing we need is Fnoodle organizing the paperbots into a rudimentary union again.
UFFL Update
It was another exciting week of UFFL action this past Sunday, with 75% of the league's games qualifying as "blowouts." Sternensteinenstine bested DiBiase's Millions 161.54 to 78.94, with the one-two Nazi punch of Drew Brees and Chris Johnson outscoring their helpless opponents alone. The John Curry All Stars had similar success with the Philip Rivers-Marques Colston-Frank Gore combination, and knocked out Cheddar's Doritians 123.74 to 71.64 in the fourth round. The bout between Domestic Team Name and Oklahoma City Storm went the distance, with Domestic "Team" Name coming away with the split decision 78.14 to 77.28. Finally, Frankreich "The Dude" Zappino demolished his opponent 126.42 to 0.00 in a spectacular first round knockout due to the fact that LL was once again unable to select his starting roster.
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Hand delivered by Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 16:03, September 26, 2009 (UTC)
Clip on tie[edit]
I've added a See Also section to Clip on tie--its third, which invokes a Table of Contents--and made the section headings larger. It looks more conventional now. I was alarmed to see your {ICU} and entry in the change log, as I had just rewritten the article entirely and removed a previous {ICU}, and took yours as disapproval. Let me know if you think further changes are warranted. --SpikeFromNH 18:58, September 28, 2009 (UTC)
- I need to start checking article histories for things like previous ICU's on an article. Sorry about that. But anyways, overall, the article isn't horrible, it just needs some fixing up. For one, in most cases, section headers should be at least level 2 for the beginning of a major section. this invokes a slightly bigger title for the section, and a gray line separating the header from the text, making it look better and further giving the impression that it is its own section, rather than a part of the previous section. If you want, you can use a level 1 header, but it wont do much more than make it bigger. also, the image could use a bit of formatting too. normally, the way most users handle adding an image is to format it as [[Image:<imagename>|thumb|<left right or center, depending on what side you want it on>|<size in px>|<comment of some form, somehow relating it to the article>]] . The way you have it, with it just floating unsized on the page, takes away from the overall aesthetic of the article, and in any case, we try to have most images in the previously mentioned format, unless the article is a direct result of the image for some reason. Fix these things, and the article will more or less pass an inspection for an ICU|format tag, and other than those things, the article seems fine. So yea. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 01:00, September 30, 2009 (UTC)
- Thanks for the detailed reply; it's done now. The template only listed things that were okay in the article. I originally used level 4 headers, simply because there's not much to the article. I upped it to level 3 before writing to you originally, and it's now at level 2. For the photo, I've specified 300px; that's bigger than typical, but there is very little text in the intro to offset it. (I don't like hard-coding numbers of pixels, as it doesn't accommodate screens/windows of different sizes. Ideally, it should be allowed to specify a percentage of total width.) --SpikeFromNH 01:33, September 30, 2009 (UTC)
Noob Tanks[edit]
|Why do I need to provide this?
My Mommy says always say
Thank You
for voting for Why?
as Noob of the Month
for September 2009.
UnSignpost: October 1st, 2009[edit]
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
October 1st, 2009 • Issue 66• Now With 40% More Pictures of Cats with Humorous Captions!
Users Turn to PLS to Rescue Uncyclopedia from Decay, Doom, Worstness
The Eighth Semi-Annual Poo Lit Surprise Writing Competition & Brownie Bake-Off begins this Monday, October 5th when Olipro emerges from his house. If he is frightened by his shadow, writers are required to send him love letters; otherwise, writers have two weeks to squeeze all of the humor they can out of their mostly insignificant humor glands. This year's categories include Best Article, Best Illustrated Article, Best Kanye Joke, and Best Rewrite. The list of judges includes both esteemed Uncyclopedia veterans and former PLS winners; they will be sequestered in a two-star hotel for the duration of the competition in order to ensure the most convenient environment for receiving bribes.
This year's PLS Master of Ceremonies and Executive in Charge of Parking, Modusoperandi, humbly expressed optimism when asked about the quality of this installment: "This Poo Lit will be the Greatest PLS ever," said Mr. Operandi exclusively. "Anyone who says otherwise is as much of a liar as they are dumb, and they are plenty dumb. Ergo, they are also plenty liar. That made more sense in my head." Other users, who wished to remain anonymous since they regularly read the unflattering commentary often associated with being quoted in the UnSignpost, expressed hope that the PLS would revive the life-support-laden VFH and also stimulate the lagging Uncyclopedia economy.
Users Agree: 'Uncyclopedia is the Boringest'
This week, Uncyclopedia users denounced the recent lack of activity on the wiki. Necropaxx initiated the conversation, noting that activity on VFH, similar to the pants of the 'hip' crowd, has dropped to unacceptably low levels. Other users have responded, and the general consensus does indeed seem to be that overall, the site's quality has dropped below acceptable levels. Not since June '07, November '07, February '08, August '08, December '08, March '09, and May '09 has Uncyclopedia seen such a blatant claim that the entire website will imminently burst into a ball of some sort, with 'flame' being the most likely sort of ball.
Trusted UnSignpost undercover investigative reporter, DogNewspaper (pictured), infiltrated one such group of doom-saying users in order to obtain some first-hand declarations of the impending death throes of the wiki. "Yeah, with the number of quality articles readily available, I'd give Uncyclopedia two months at the most until it is absorbed into another humor website," said one user. Further commentary from this group of users was unavailable, as undercover investigative reporter DogNewspaper's cover was at this point compromised, as his unwavering loyalty to Uncyclopedia caused him to seize the infidel user's lower leg in his mouth and shake his head viciously. Please stay with the UnSignpost for up-to-the-week coverage of the impending(?) death of Uncyclopedia.
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Late deliver courtesy of Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 20:07, October 5, 2009 (UTC)
Hey TDM[edit]
Are you available for UnSignpost delivery? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 16:45, 15 October 2009
UnSignpost Sometime October 2009[edit]
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
October 8th, 2009 • Issue 67• Good things come to those who wait. So does the UnSignpost.
The End is Nigh... Once Again
Yes, it's that time of the year again. Despite the hopes of many, Poo Lit Surprise did not instantly revive Uncyclopedia. We are doomed! DOOMED! But how did the great Uncyclopedia become such a wasteland, one may ask. It's all a big conspiracy, I tell you! All perpetrated by a mysterious figure, known only by the initials R.L. Perseveringly, this entity has claimed the lives of various Uncyclopedians, among them such users as SysRq, Cajek, YesTimeToEdit, Siddhartha-Wolf and most recently it seems R.L. has even gotten its grips on our own UnSignpost editor Gerrycheevers. When confronted with the issue, noted favourite Jew and Zionist ruler Mordillo barely managed to exclusively tell us the following "I tell you Socky, I'd be happy to comment about our IMPENDING DOOM but I'm too busy packing. Another time maybe? HEY! MOTHERFUCKER! EASY WITH THE VASE! THAT'S FRAGILE! Sorry Sock, gotta scram, the movers are breaking my stuff. NO! DROP THAT BAN HAMMER! DROP IT I SAID!" Expert in things that suck (no pun intended), Optimuschris, was quoted saying "Uncyclopedia hasn't been cool since 08. Ban 09's." In conclusion, UN:N.
UFFL Update
The previous two weeks of the UFFL action have been filled with more intrigue than a mediocre James Bond movie. Two touchdownless games by Saints' quarterback Drew Brees cost Sternensteinenstine a win Week 3, though the team rebounded Week 4 and currently holds a solid second-place standing in the hyper-competitive UFFL. A resurgent Tom Brady and a balanced roster has led Domestic Team Name to two wins over the same period, as well as an unblemished 4-0 record. The Dudes' neglect to change their starting roster cost them a win in Week 4, knocking the former top dogs down to a less-than-remarkable 4th place. The John Curry All-Stars have been hampered by the loss of Frank Gore, and lost last week to a rejuvenated Dibiase's Millions that were led by a solid Aaron Rodgers-Matt Forte NFC North attack. A soft schedule has helped Oklahoma City Storm to a respectable 2-2 record, while the winless Doritians continue to struggle. Finally, The Winnerz put up mounds of points as Peyton Manning passed his way to his fourth consecutive 300-yard game…or at least would have if The Winnerz could figure out how to log in to Yahoo! and edit their roster.
In a look ahead to next week's games, Sternensteinenstine and the John Curry All-Stars will have to overcome bye weeks for both their starting quarterbacks to maintain their positions near the top of the league as they face off; Oklahoma City Storm looks to earn an easy win against a bye-week-ravaged Dibiase's Millions; The Dudes seek redemption as they attempt to reclaim their No. 1 position against the undefeated Domestic Team Name; and the league's bottom-dwelling, shit-eating, dog-fucking last-placers The Winnerz and Cheddar's Doritians both search for their first wins of the season.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 01:28, Oct 16
another delivery[edit]
hey dudeman. might you want to give delivering this week's unsignpost a shot? 02:50, October 23, 2009 (UTC)
22nd 23rd October 2009[edit]
October 22nd, 2009 • Issue 68 • Semi-endorsed by Journalism Union #448
Invisible UnSignpost Issue Confuses, Annoys Readers
As a gag/publicity stunt/desperate cry for attention, last week's edition of Uncyclopedia's most beloved and 3rd most cherished newspaper, the UnSignpost, was rendered invisible before being delivered. After the issue was wrapped up, UnSignpost contributing editors Dexter111344 and Socky used their inherent superpowers or something to cause the issue to not appear on user's talk pages when delivered. In addition, further enhancements rendered each user's talk page history to not be altered upon delivery, thus completely erasing any evidence that the issue was delivered or even existed at any point.
Feedback thus far has been overwhelmingly negative, with angry subscribers sending death threats and exploding telegrams to the UnSignpost office for the past four days. UnSignpost Executive in Charge of Sniffing Mail, Dognewspaper (pictured), luckily suffered only minor burns and a singed tail. The UnSignpost staff would like to formally apologize to its readers, and assure them that each subsequent issue will be at least partly visible.
Poo Lit Report
After giving the writers time to work on their pieces, and Modus taking time enjoying the disqualification of entries for failing the mandatory steroids screening, the 8nd Edition of the Poo Lit Surprise is in its final stages – judging. This is the time where writers who entered play with their genitals out of anxiety and nervousness, and attempt to bribe the judges with sexual favors and pie.
This PLS saw a great number of entries in the Best Alternate Namespace Article. The reasoning for this, some believe, is that everyone is utterly bat fuck insane and forgot how to write regular namespace articles. Despite being held just prior to the Turkey Day Ball and Conservation Week, the turn-out was overall not bad; Modus' corporate-funded campaign for the PLS is primarily to blame for this. Speaking of corporate funding, it was indicated that there will be prize money for this edition of the PLS despite Wikia's refusal to hook a brotha' up. All irrevocable blame for Wikia's unfortunate decision has been directed at Sannse for good reason.
UPDATE Winners have been announced; congratulations to all of them. According to Modusoperandi, the next PLS is expected to be held, "When the next guy remembers it's late."
Fantasy Football Update
Things are really heating up in the UFFL as midseason nears, and Week Six's storylines were of upset, domination, and redemption. Led by Tom Brady, the always-solid
In a look ahead to next week's games, Sternensteinenstine looks to stay atop the UFFL rankings against a resurgent Cheddar's Doritians, Domestic Team Name looks to retake the #1 spot against a very solid John Curry All-Stars, Oklahoma City Storm and The Dudes face off, and the bottom-dwelling dog-fucking last-placers Dibiase's Millions and The Winnerz will look to see which one of them is shittier.
IT'S OVER 25,000!!! Maybe.
Uncyclopedia just might make the mark of 25,000 articles. Sometime soon. Maybe tomorrow. Surely it's yet another milestone that only puts us that much more ahead of Wikipedia, Conservapedia, and Das Kapital combined in content. However, thoughts from the rest of the community on what this means for our beloved wiki have been varyingly expressed as joyous, apathetic, dismal, and downright nonsensical. "But even with 25,000 articles, we're still 65,000 short of being strong enough to fight Captain Ginyu," says the attractive Guildensternenstein as we stop him on his way to Planet Namek. Others offer real conversation of a possible reskin and doubts that the mark will actually be reached with Forest Fire Week probably happening sometime. Maybe.
Discussion started by an attention whore in Miniluv over the Welcoming Committee and their welcoming template(s) has sparked the particular attention of many Uncyclopedians, most of whom by their own admission have never read the welcoming template, HTBFANJS, BGBU, any of the other things the welcome template advises new users to read, or have heard of Uncyclopedia. The recent round of QQ'ing and debating over the alleged poor quality of Uncyclopedia, as highlighted in the last edition's piece about the end being nigh and a Poo Lit Surprise nomination, can come to a close. It is this writer's observation that Uncyclopedia is the worst because nobody cares about editing guides which make confusing acronyms. Obvious correlation is obvious.
On our final stop in our stroll through the Village Dump, to your left you will see that a n00b was just kidding, jeez, and to your right you will see that Rockstar Games reads Uncyclopedia. In the former, users urge the poor fellow to read HTBFANJS and BGBU (the same ones that they probably haven't read). If anything is to be drawn from this, it is that true editing comes from within. Or something.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 18:21, Oct 23
UnSignpost 29-10-2009[edit]
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
October 29th, 2009 • Issue 69 • Hehehe, 69
Better than ED, of course
After having hit the 25,000 articles mark, it's worth knowing what other people think of this wiki as it's walking down the sidewalk in its high heels and short skirt. So here are some Google searches for hits on Uncyclopedia in the last week and what it came up with:
A Star Control II forum or something-rather found here remarks on Uncyclopedia's SC2 article and other entries. Lauding such as "Uncyclopedia rocks..." overshadowed the naysaying remarks about the wiki being immature and for poopfaced doo-doo heads. The most insightful comment, by a user dubbed "Son of Atares", says, "It definitely beats Enyclopedia Dramatica in terms of funny, but that really isn't saying anything at all." Agreed.
On a Polish forum for Polish things, Polish people, and Polish things that Polish people do, some Poles or something have a great laugh at Uncyclopedia making fun of their homecountry. One ED fangirl attempts to advertise her nonsense, only to be ignored over the lulz and tears shed from reading Uncyclopedia.
Finally, a forum for progressive rock fans also enjoys some laughs at the prog rock article and the article about their own forum. That guy from There Will Be Blood blatantly lies in an attempt to seem better than thou by boldly claiming, "Uncyclopedia is not funny." Our official response to this criticism? He likes Miley Cyrus. Been there, done that, got the genital warts. The last post to the forum by the gender-confused dinosaur Littlefoot from The Land Before Time reads, " I actually think the prog articles and ProgArchives pages on Uncyclopedia are generally embarrassing attempts at funny by people who do not understand subtlety or delivery in comedy." And then a smiley face, because I guess he pwnt us or something.
Fantasy Football Midseason Meanderings
In real sports, midseason is typically when "experts" make "predictions" about how "the rest of the season" will "play out," and the UFFL is no exception. Here are this author's predictions for the rest of the season, by team:
1. Sternensteinenstine (6-1): Already a game ahead and looking forward to a soft schedule in the coming weeks, Sternensteinenstine's dominance of the UFFL will continue for the foreseeable future. In all likelihood, the Nazi Juggernaut will sweep the rest of the season with relative ease, become overconfident, take on the world's largest nation by land area, and eventually be defeated by an international alliance in mankind's most destructive conflict ever. Finish 13-1 (#1 seed), at the cost of 3.7 million casualties.
2. The Dudes (5-2): Facing a similarly weak series of opponents in weeks hence, The Dudes look to continue their winning ways. At about Week 11, though, they'll run into trouble, and spend the rest of their season getting high. Finish 8-6 (#4 seed).
3. Domestic Team Name (5-2): A solid team built around consistent players, the team of housewives and aprons does relatively well the rest of the year, but gets screwed Week 8 for not having the foresight to draft a quarterback that doesn't have a bye in Week 8. Finish 10-4 (#2 seed).
4. John Curry All-Stars (5-2): Another solid team, the All-Stars will play well for the rest of the season, but wane down the stretch when their manager loses interest in favor of watching hockey. They still make the playoffs, however. Finish
5. Oklahoma City Storm (3-4): OCS is a hard seed to crack. Despite possessing one of the league's most devoted managers, too much depends on inconsistent and disappointing players at key positions, not to mention the team's susceptibility to tornadoes. Finish 6-8.
6. Dibiase's Millions (2-5): The victim of not one, but two running back busts, Dibiase's Millions have been struggling to find their stride all year, and given the production of Matt Forte and Steven Jackson, will continue to do so. Finish 4-10.
7. Cheddar's Doritians (2-5): Though they have won two of their last three games, Cheddar's Doritans will more than likely miss the playoffs due to their slow start. Putting too much faith in one team probably doesn't help, either. Finish 6-8.
8. The Winnerz (0-7): Ironically enough, the Winnerz can't win. Even more ironically, if the Winnerz could figure out how to select their starting roster, they wouldn't be half-bad. Unfortunately, signs point to the team not being able to figure that out, at least for this and possibly next season. Finish 0-14.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 01:44, Nov 3
Hey TDM[edit]
I think you're using an old version of the QVFD script. It's available as a gadget now, in your preferences. If you blank the relevant part in your js page and enable it as a gadget, it will automatically update when changes are made to the MediaWiki page. The same applies for ban patrol. Cheers! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 03:12, 5 December 2009
- Swhat teh Buck? though i think it is in gadget form or something, its not the same old script, it had a fancy newer awesomeness and didn't redirect me to qvfd. ill look in to it though. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 03:17, December 5, 2009 (UTC)
- Yea, after some careful
fat cockstesting, it seems that the script and the gadget do exactly the same thing at the moment. either way, the script has been deleted and the gadget turned on. Happy now? Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H
Googly eyes[edit]
Uhm, you do realise this page has the {{Construction}} tag on it right? You know we don't QVFD pages until the Construction tag is expired, right? Just checking. – http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/a/ab/Sheenicon.gif (ooh!) (aah!) ...·º•ø®@» LEG CUN GUN 07:37, 28 December 2009
- When I added it to QVFD, it had only one line of text, and there's an old clause in the no deleting construction that stated that oneliners weren't saved to prevent abuse of the system, vanity and other crap. It's good to see it got expanded, there's alot that can be done with a topic like that, but it shouldn't be saved if there's nothing there. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 04:00, December 29, 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost Delivery! - December something![edit]
Late deliver courtesy of Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 23:47, December 29, 2009 (UTC)
Still wanna deliver? Would be grateful. Page here. --UU - natter 09:45, Jan 15
- Sure. I'll get right on that. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 23:40, January 15, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost January several-days-agoth[edit]
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
Jan 14th, 2010 • Issue71 • Keeping You Guessing
Uncyclopedia Voting Season Arrives, Users Driven To Voting Frenzy
UnSignpost's fearless reporter and mascot DogNewspaper (pictured) predicts a bumper month for whoring, in-fighting, backstabbing and bitching as users scramble to secure themselves a fleeting moment's recognition from up to several of their peers. Followed by next to no voting in February, as everyone recovers.
From the desk of the Cabal: 2010 ordered to be Drama free
As Uncyclopedia drunkenly stumbles into the new decade, barely managing to hold down that spicy dinner it had for lunch, the non-existent cabal would like to wish all residents a happy new year. And by wish we mean order, residents would be subjects and by happy new year we mean fuck you all where communism hasn't failed yet. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we saw it all in 2009. We saw dozens of forums declaring that we're the worst (which we know), we saw numerous editors leave the front door open on the way out (come on people! it's bloody -7 outside!), we saw epic banninations (the simple joys of life), we saw prolific gay bashing (ideologically pure of course), we saw religious wars over sausages, we saw the worst 100 reflections of 2009 barely close before the midnight of December 31st. You promised in 2008 you wouldn't do that. You failed us.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, we raise our collective arses from the toilet which was 2009, wiping it with the first anniversary edition of the UnSignpost, as this is the only good thing that ever came out of this rag of a newspaper. We would like to ask humbly that the population of Uncyclopedia do the following: Please, for the love of Sophia, remain calm; exit the building in an orderly fashion; remember that objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are; understand that allergen traces may be found in this Uncyclopedia. And always remember the prime directive: you are here to have fun. Or in short - shut the fuck up and go write an article.
Thank you for your undivided attention citizens. You may now remove your muzzles.
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I swore I'd never hand-deliver this again. Here it is. --UU - natter 09:33, Jan 18
UnSignpost 21th January 2009[edit]
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
Jan 21st, 2010 • Issue 72 • Yorkshire-style news
Awards of the Year race thrillingly poised
In the most prestigious award of the lot, Writer of the Year, the race for second place behind prolific funny factory and champion-elect Hype is neck and neck between apparently-no-longer-hirsute TKF fan-club president and feature-machine Guildy and low-profile but high-quality-output, er, feature-machine Sog1970. But wait! There's still a chance they could get caught by the chasing pack of little-known and modest Scouser Mhaille, hetero macho-man Orian57, antipodean canine PuppyOnTheRadio and none-more-metal mosher Monika. Oh, and some other chancers have been nommed without polling a single vote (including DrStrange, who is currently looking likely to become the first Uncyclopedian ever to win WotM twice, but hasn't carried that form over to WotY - odd).
Meanwhile, over at PotY, the race for second place behind Sonje is even closer, with both Modus and some n00b polling a creditable one nom but no votes each! Who will pull ahead by the end of the month? It's a competition you just can't keep your eyes off!
Disappointingly, the UotY vote lets the side down, with seemingly a boring old race for first place between Belgian one-man categorisation whirlwind, maintenance addict, broken thing fixer, BUTT POOP!!! junkie and footwear-as-handwear exponent Socky and handsome English admin who wrote this article and is not in the least bit biased UU. The apparent scramble to be runner-up to whichever of these two is runner-up is far more interesting, as non-stop wikifixer MadMax goes up against Welsh Rarebit RabbiTechno, not-Yorkshire-enough admin Mordillo, vowel-free-zone Mnbvcxz and Moterfucking Nigger Lover Roman Dog Bird. Damned with the faint praise of a nom with no votes in this category are the pants bomber, talk page king FU Spang, human non-sequitur generator Modus and absent but deadly hockey nut Gerry.
And finally, over where it's really at, the NotD cockfight is almost impossible to call! Will plucky outsider RC hold off the challenge of Apple, Apples and Maddie's life? The tension is quite literally unbearable!
But remember kids: whoever "wins", we're all still losers.
And now, your not-at-all-struggling-for-material Signpost brings you... Horoscopes!
For the rest of this week's horoscopes in full, see the horoscopes page, obviously.
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Also, it's MrN9000's mum's 60th birthday! 9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 17:39, Jan 21
UnSignpost 28th January 2010[edit]
Now with 20% more ninjas!
Jan 28th • Issue 73 • A Periodical. Period.
Continuing Absence Of Certain Users Forces Other Users To Do Things
Also bravely stepping into the "ban magnet" position created by the continuing and lamented absence of hyperactive loon Cajek is, well, a plethora of users. Admins, deprived of their favourite joke-ban target, have taken to joke banning anyone in an attempt to get their fix. Even those devoted to doing only good, just and true works have recently been targeted; and as if to prove this very statement, some power-crazed asshole went and joke banned Socky, RabbiTechno and Optimuschris as soon as he'd written this sentence.
Elsewhere, ChiefjusticeDS has been filling the gap left by the absence of someone's enthusiasm for anything pee-related right at the moment by looking after the pee list, taking over as the person with the most in-depth reviews, reviewing everyone else's reviews, and generally not being lazy about it all.Gerrycheevers has forced grumbling British curmudgeon UU to return to the Wiki's only newspaper, the UnSignpost, churning out issues that are, let's be honest, mere placeholders until Gerry gets his arse back here and writes something worth reading. YOU HEAR ME GERRY? GET THE FUCK BACK HERE NOW DAMMIT!
Rumours that, in the relative absence of Orian57, Roman Dog Bird will take over the position of "token gay" are unconfirmed at the time of going to press.
And finally, in the absence of enough content to make this issue balance out nicely, the UnSignpost is once again resorting to using blatant filler for the first time this year.
Shameless, that's what it is. Complain to someone - it's the only way they'll learn.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 14:58, Jan 28
UnSignpost 4th February 2010[edit]
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
Feb 4th, 2010 • Issue 74 • Ain't It Uncool? News!
Spang Archives Talkpage; End of World Expected Imminently
Award Winners Speak Exclusively to UnSignpost
Well, there you go folks, looks like the "... of the Year" award voting is done and dusted for another year. Thanks to all who voted; without you, the admins would probably have less to do, which would obviously be dangerous. Anyway, that aside, your ever-topical Unsignpost went and mugged the various winners for comments on their various wins. Several of them, of course, have already made their feelings clear to those who voted for them by way of the traditional thanks templates. Apart from UU, because he's a lazy ass. Or because he's busy writing this. Whichever. Anyway again, for the benefit of those who didn't vote for the winners, and don't watch their talk pages, here's what they had to say:
Runaway WotY Hype said: "Thanks, you guys!! If you'll permit me to be dead serious for the first time ever on the wiki, this really is an honor, and it's pretty damn touching that so many people came out in support of my work. Whew. Being serious felt weird. I feel... strange. BALLS BALLS PENIS COCK. Ah... there's the stuff!" He then went off to write another My Sojourn spin-off.
Even more runaway PotY Sonje said: "Thank you, I intend to return as soon as I can. I am currently in Africa with very limited internet access. I'll try to time my return to co-incide with the Oscars so that I can get some pointers for my acceptance speech." Admittedly, that was before we asked her for a comment, but then, she is in Africa with limited internet access.
Joint UotY Socky channeled Churchill to say: "*scrapes throat* Ahem! I would like to say to the community as I would say to anyone who joined this website: Uncyclopedia has nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs — Victory in spite of all error — Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival. … That seems to be the wrong Churchill speech. Okay, I'll give it another try. *scrapes throat again* The gratitude of every home throughout the world, except in the abodes of the guilty, goes out to the British airmen and Belgian spies who, undaunted by odds, unwearied in their constant challenge and mortal danger, are turning the tide of the Wiki War by their prowess and by their devotion. Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to two people. And so on and so on… Woot! Woot!" Long-winded bugger.
And other joint UotY UU said: "wow, Socky's already left me needing a lot of filler for the right panel, so I'll keep this shortish. First, it's good to see someone who isn't an admin get their hands on this award, and Socky's hard work deserves recognition. Second, it's great to have my complete lack of a life recognised in this way. Third, did someone say Spang's archived his talk page? What the fuck's that all about?."
Oh, and Dr. Skullthumper was UGotY, but that was a foregone conclusion anyway. He didn't seem to have any comment of his own to make, so TKF hopped in to the breach with "I call the award a "fascist disgrace" and "move to permanently disbar Mike Socia, that ape from Lighting who made my mole visible to all of the goddamn world watching the ceremony."" Which about wraps it all up, I hope.
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UnSignpost 11th February 2010[edit]
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
Feb 11th, 2010 • Issue 75 • Picking the nuts of truth out of the muesli of news. Or something.
New way to win awards, impress friends, crush rivals!
Yes, that's right, The Article Whisperer is a competition that gives you the ideas to get you started, all you need to do is supply the funny. What could be easier? Well, since you ask, perhaps judging it could? Max is also looking for at least 4 more opinionated types, unafraid of passing withering judgement on their peers. If you're interested in judging or entering, or if you have a good idea that would elevate this competition from being a damn good idea to a colossally awesome one, let MadMax know either on his talk page, or on the article's talk page.
For those who want to selflessly improve the wiki while crushing all around them under the steel wheels of their genius, there can be no finer opportunity!
General news round-up
Mordillo nearly went mad attempting to feature all articles tied for tenth place in the top 10 of last year. And then spent the rest of this month to date patiently fielding questions about how long the rest of the featuring was going to take, and when normal featuring would resume. POTR did his best to help. When not asked for a quote, Mordillo said "FUCK YOU VERY MUCH AND SEE YOU IN 2011". We think he's just talking about the top 10, and not about taking a 10 month hiatus. That is, we hope so.
A recent VFD nomination ended in a deletion marathon, as MrN and RDB spent 2 hours removing every last trace of the notorious Game:Page. Apart from the traces Mordillo deleted, that is. And the redirects to it that UU took care of, come to think of it. But still, all told, an impressive act of mass carnage only made more awesome by the fact that they somehow managed to delete Socky's userpage at one point during the proceedings. MrN claims "Both RDB and me still have sore huffing fingers you know".
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 13:06, Feb 11
UnSignpost 18th February 2010[edit]
Feb 18th, 2010 • Issue 76 • Now with 20% more vanity!
Understanding of the universe is shattered; Creation as we know it is defunct
One of the most controversial elements of religious understanding has been the answer to the question "How did we get here?" This has often been seen in the debate that has been long held between Creationists and Evolutionists. Now that Imperial Colonisation is back on its feet, under the able guidance of IC Buccaneer Admiral Why?, they are educating the masses on this as we speak.
"The article had been befouled by some evil doers, probably French or Spanish or Americans or worse. We are diligently researching and writing to bring the article in line with the Truth." stated Buccaneer Admiral Why?.
A dramatic re-write is in process, as Why? has all his seamen working towards the noble goal of indoctrinating the masses in Creationist theory. After some false starts involving a banana and a jar of peanut butter, the recreation of creationism is being created.
"The colonized article will show how the Empire has the right and duty to colonize everywhere by any methods available, and that anything we do is God's will. We will finish it by Saturday, 20 of February, or by Saturday, 27 of February, depending upon how long it takes us to colonize the natives. Anyone who wishes to apply to join our noble effort may do so at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization." Why? stated in closing.
Darwin awards - Uncyclopedia Stylie
Fortunately he showed the resilience that 10 year olds have when they are in the middle of doing something completely idiotic, and continued to trawl through people's talk pages, undo their edits, and generally be a dick. MrN9000, understanding the right balance of politeness and harshness, gave I LIKE PIE!!! a friendly message on his talk page, with a 1 week ban to support the severity of his words.
Undeterred, I LIKE PIE!!! later returned. 1 week and 35 minutes after his previous ban, MrN repeated his previous words to the young man, along with a further 1 week ban.
Thankfully, it appears that I LIKE PIE!!! took MrN's words to heart, as he managed to last a further 30 minutes after this second ban before he ran afoul of Roman Dog Bird, who in true RDB style demonstrated what an infinite ban actually means.
When hard-hitting journalists pressed for details relating to the banning of this pre-pubescent pestilence, MrN replied "What kinda a journalist are you man!?!"
Congratulations, I LIKE PIE!!!, for becoming the inaugural Uncyclopedia Darwin award winner, and removing yourself from the meme pool that we all enjoy.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 23:40, Feb 18
UnSignpost 25th February 2010 (It's not late your mum is)[edit]
The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!
Feb 25th, 2010 • Issue 77 • Slurping the froth of Truth off the cappuccino of News
Games, games and more games! We have more games then you can poke a stick at!
Is the games namespace 99.9% shit was the question elegantly asked by OptyC recently. A simple question that has sparked a storm in a teacup.
While Uncyclopedia is, undoubtably, the pinnacle of fine parody, it has been suggested the this particular poor cousin of the Main space has been allowed to fall into disrepair and disrepute due to the influx of poorly crafted content.
In the words of one editor Delete it. It's cruft and I'm not even sure if it qualifies as a parody namespace of anything on Wikipedia.
However, despite the lack of quality content, a significant portion of users have requested that it remain in play, however it be improved by having a little tender loving care given to it, along with a more rigid amount of cruft huffing.
As such, it is with open arms we welcome the inclusion into this realm of the new moderator of the Games namespace OptyC, who will be referred to going forward as the Game Master.
Upon the announcement of this singularly spectacular accolade, Optyc's first words were Maybe I shoulda just kept my mouth shut, eh? Although much respect must be levelled his way at the way he has taken to his new role with much gusto, winnowing through the chaff to find the kernels of wheat available in there.
For more information on these developments, visit Forum:The Games namespace.
It's Alive!
A new blow to the "democrats"/"liberals"/"whiny bitches" of Uncyclopedia, opposing the disputed hereditary law. Senior member of the non existent Cabal and editor-in-chief-in-absentia of this newspaper, UU has announced the birth of heiress to the throne, also known as UUette. UUette was reportedly born holding a scepter and a miniature ban hammer, wearing a crown and QVFD grade galoshes and waving frantically at the hysterical cheering masses. The non existent cabal promptly announced a reserved seat for UUette in the VFS round of 2026 as well as the prestigious position of "Noob of the Month".
A shrouded spokesperson for the Cabal noted that "it would have been important for the Cabal, were it to exist, that the existing Cabal dynasty, especially one coming from such a quality genetic specimen such as UU, shall continue without disturbance. The Cabal is greatly pleased with UU and Mrs. UU for bolstering its numbers for the
Sporadic demonstration of support were noted around the Uncyclopedia realm, as supporters of the Cabal were seen with "DEAR UUette IS GREAT" and "ALL HAIL THE HEIR APPARENT" signs. So called "democratic"/"liberals"/"whiny bitches" protests were dealt with swiftly and efficiently.
And from all of us in the UnSignpost here is one big congratulations UU, may your daughter have huge...errr..tracks of land.
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 20:59, Feb 28
UnSignpost 4th March 2010 (your calendar is wrong)[edit]
The Newspaper That Openly Admits Its Liberal And Conservative Biases!
Mar 4th, 2010 • Issue 78 • Snorting the drug of Truth from the toilet seat of News
Controversy over Uncyclopedian leads journalist to public outcry
The "of the Month" nominations and celebrations have been marred recently by drama circulating in forums, talk pages and on vote pages in various areas. Fortunately, whenever and wherever a drama has reared its ugly head an Unsignpost reporter has been there to cover it.
Why do I need to provide this? is now experiencing his second week of not having been nominated for anything. After mentioning to a respected editor that he had been nominated for at least one award for almost every day he had been part of the Uncyclopedia community, he bemoaned the fact that he had not been nominated for anything this month.
"I've been nommed for something EVERY SINGLE DAY of the five months I've been here--until this month. I'm not nommed for anything. It's pretty depressing, really." Why? complained
As a result of this complaining, Why? was then nominated for an award that had been more respected in the breach then in the observance - to paraphrase the bard - Nomination of the Month.
When, after a series of events, Roman Dog Bird felt obliged to nominate Aleister in Chains' Nomination for NOTM of PuppyOnTheRadio's nomination for NOTM of Why do I need to provide this?'s nomination of PuppyOnTheRadio for UGotM, he simply stated "This is a stupid award."
Meanwhile, at UotM, discussion over the number of awards given out led to an obvious discussion about the worth of RotM and UotM, which of course led, as all conversational roads do, to the hugely popular and debatably talented Dan Brown, not to be confused with Dan Kwon, as we aren't quite sure who he is.
The debate got unexpectedly heated when a talented and handsome editor suggested that another less talented editor should perform carnal and bestial acts with random household appliances.
Remember to cast your vote in AotM, PotM, RotM, NotM and WotM, or nominate the uncyc member that has impressed you most in these areas.
And of course, always remember Mordillo's words, "This one is for people who made Uncyclopedia better by cleaning up shop, helping people and allow Uncyclopedia to wobble around without falling over."
Vote today. Or tomorrow - depending on if you have the time.
And with the current vote count standing at 6 in favour, and with few regularly active sysops left to vote, it looks like the chances are that there will be new sysops by the end of this month - so time to start deciding who you're gonna nominate! Who will be the next to have a thousand IPs ask them on their talkpage why they deleted their useless little one-line stub? Stay tuned to find out?
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 00:15, Mar 6
UnSignpost 11th March 2010[edit]
The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By Mordillo, We Swear!
Mar 11th, 2010 • Issue 79 • Making the New York Times look shabby since 2008
Investigative journalist looks in to the cabal; Shocking discovery
Many veiled references have been made to this cabal, however until now there has been no real investigative attempts to uncover the shocking truth about the cabal.
However, despite this, one plucky rookie journalist has decided that the truth must be free, and an investigation into the cabal has been undertaken. Investigating this it appears that the rumours relating to a cabal have come from numerous sources. In investigating this there were a number of dead ends, including pages that appear to have been deleted with no history.
One source has come forward to expose the truth about the cabal. Under threat of repercussion, this source has been asked to be known simply as Deep Throat. Upon interviewing this source the following shocking truth has been discovered!
There is no cabal.
Any rumours about a supposed cabal are completely untrue. Any suggested sources are in fact fictional and have no veracity behind them. There is no shadowy, mysterious force guiding Uncyclopedia.
As I, as a respected journalist, have now been made well aware of the non-existence of this cabal, I am now comfortable to retire my journalistic career. I will shortly be taking a long trip to a very remote location where there is no phone or internet access and will choose to never write again.
I may even go to Antarctica.But most importantly, there is not now, nor never has been, a cabal.
A useful HowTo? does not compute!
If there were a Cabal (which, as the above article clearly establishes beyond doubt, there isn't), it would encourage you to read it and never write a bad UnNews again.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 11:07, Mar 12
UnSignpost 18th March 2010 (on time as always)[edit]
The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!
Mar 18th, 2010 • Issue 80 • Hold the line! News isn't always on time!
VFS: it begins
Leading the popular vote at present is long-serving poopsmith and kvetcher RabbiTechno, gaining a seemingly unassailable lead by being helpful, friendly and competent, and by promising to bake cakes for all who vote for him - a ploy which may well have snared the support of more than just the odd swing voter.
In a comfortable position just behind the Rabbi is lengthily-monikered Belgian workhorse Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, the joint Uncyclopedian of the Year for 2009, who seems to be gathering followers by being helpful, competent, friendly, and doing loads and loads of stuff. This cunning stratagem has obviously endeared him to the denizens of this wiki, who seem to be propelling him towards having his own banstick.
But hold on, who's this coming up stealthily behind Socky? Why, it's pee review supremo and scourge of vandals everywhere ChiefjusticeDS! The Chief is steadily accumulating backers through the cunning tactic of being competent, helpful and friendly. He also rules PEEING with an iron fist, and spends inordinate amounts of time cleaning and tidying up the place, facts that have led to him coming within striking distance of the leaders in what appears to be a three-horse race.
One thing is clear from this - all 3 of the most popular candidates appear to be helpful and friendly, which this newspaper finds unacceptable - where is the next Famine going to come from? where will we find an admin willing to infiban users and delete all their articles just for looking at someone the wrong way, or for being Kip the Dip?
Also nominated, and receiving some support are current Writer of the Year and greatest person in the history of all things ever Hyperbole, diplomat by Uncyc appointment to all religions Optimuschris, canine broadcaster and damn fine journalist PuppyOnTheRadio, allcaps-named VFD machine SPIKE, confirmed female on the internets Zana Dark, easy-to-spell feature-machine Guildensternenstein and jaded old-timer Necropaxx.
Other people have been nominated without recording a score as yet, but as this article is already long enough to have the editor wondering how many filler boxes he can dream up for the right-side panel this week, they just appear as a brief list: Mnbvcxz, Cajek, Gerrycheevers, Syndrome, The Woodburninator, Why do I need to provide this?, Charitwo and some bloke called Mhaille. Will any of them pick up a sympathy vote before the end of voting round 2?
Positions vacant.
The Imperial Colonization is a long standing organisation that has for years been at the cutting edge of creativity of articles for one of the world's most respected websites: Uncyclopedia. Due to a period of unprecedented growth during a time of economic downturn, as most of our members are otherwise unemployed, we are looking for a new assistant to the head of IC. This is a fantastic opportunity for you to work from home.
Your daily duties will include:
The relevant applicant will have:
This is a rare opportunity. The successful applicant will become next in line to take over the reins of IC when the current head
To apply, contact Why do I need to provide this? here.
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9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 11:52, Mar 18
UnSignpost 25th March 2010 (hand delivered for added flavour)[edit]
Mar 25th, 2010 • Issue 81 • So full of news, our news-gut hangs over our news-jeans
VFS reaches third and final round, Uncyclopedians bored to tears
Once again, the Rabbi appears to be in pole position, and there are rumours that Mordillo is already preparing him a traditional Jewish banstick, such is his current lead. Meanwhile, Sock and Chief are neck-and-neck for the second slot, polling three votes each currently. When he interviewed himself for this article, lazy journalist UU exclusively told us: "this reflects well on the site - we have three great, very strong candidates, any and all of whom would do a great job if opped. And a number of those who didn't make it to round 3 will probably make a much stronger showing next time. If there is a next time."
All that remains now is to see how the final few days affect the vote, and who finally gets the supreme honour of being able to go delete every single page of shitloads of crappy games that have been nommed on VFD, and the like. Joins us next week for the "From Our Logs" new admin special, when we analyse their first bans, and watch as these new admins mercilessly ban the unlucky loser and abuse their new powers flagrantly. Hopefully.
Top 5 Of-The-Months Become 90% Cheesier
Well known and completely badass user CheddarBBQ, known for his increasing his own self-image, and for being one of the coolest guys ever, has now set a record by being nommed for all four "big" nominations in the same month. Even more impressive, he has been nommed for these four without doing much of anything deserving of awards (besides the aforementioned alleged coolness and/or badassedness). The always tasty Eyetallyan snackfood has been able to hold tightly to last place in each one of these all month.
When asked about his newfound record, the great man/food had this to say: "I always knew I was special. The bag of cheese curls that I referred to as "Mommy" for 15 years would tell me so on a regular basis. Also, suck it bitchez."
Of course the amazing record-breaker would think well of himself, so we went elsewhere, to question his adopted son, Momo. When asked about the excitement over the record, Momo claimed, "Papa De La Rosa is, like, the greatest dad ever, I used to have so much fun with him when I was little. Ya know, he once left me inside an oven when I was a baby, went for a beer and got me out the following morning. That was fun, I'm tellin' ya. And when I was 4, he left me in an amusement park, went for a beer and came to pick me up a whole week later. I spent that week with that nice guy who kept touching my ass.. Good times.. When I was 7, he took me for a beer. And by the age of 14, we were running our small liquor-smuggling business.. Oh yeah, he's a great guy." Curiously, his comment did not much relate to the matter at hand, yet it was deemed necessary to include it anyway. It appears to be abundantly clear that Cheddar is a marvel of a man whom we can all look up to. In other news, it appears that Don Chedds is about to set another record by being the first Uncyclopedian to drastically lose all five major awards in one month. It appears to be abundantly clear that Cheddar is a marvel of a man whom we can all look up to. Here's to you, CheddarBBQ.
Oh yeah, and some other people had something to do with it as well.
Note: The writer of this article has decided that a fact check as to whether or not either of these are true records would be unnecessary.
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--ChiefjusticeDS 21:59, March 25, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost 1th April 2010 - Always on time[edit]
The Newspaper That Openly Admits Its Liberal And Conservative Biases!
Apr 1st, 2010 • Issue 82 • You'd better watch out, you'd better beware: if any news happens, the Signpost will be there
VFS Finishes, New Admins Unleashed, UnSignpost already struggling for material for next week
What does this mean? Well, it means there are now two more Brits armed with bansticks loose on the wiki. Their chirpy, endearing optimism and approachability has already been replaced by the dead-eyed stare and world-weary cynicism required by sysophood, and their friends on the wiki have all turned into suck-ups looking for joke bans.
When asked for comments, the Rabbi told us: "I'm willing to accept bribes for huffing articles, banning users, replacing pages with goatse and so on and plan to become as corrupt as possible in as short a time as possible". He also said, when accused of being a "Big Tough Admin Guy": ""Big" - indisputably, but it's all fat; "Tough" - only if you mean chewy; "Admin" - yes, can't argue with that one; "Guy" - only until I've saved enough for the operation". Chief hadn't commented at the time of going to press, so we made something up: "I'm going to ban everyone, I have judged this wiki, and found it wanting. All must pay", he might have said.
Of course, this situation also means the long-overdue return of the wildly popular Votes for Sandwiches. Already, 3 bread-based snacks have been suggested, and voting is expected to be fierce.
Finally, it also means that the UnSignpost, which has leaned heavily on VFS for
Frat party; Bring your own kegger
Finally the fraternal (and sisternal) instincts of Uncyclopedia's finest minds have a place that they can call their own.
ΥΣΣ, otherwise more easily pronounceably known as Upsilon Sigma Sigma, has been founded in the cellar of one of our newest members, who has already earned the level of respect and admiration that many of our members feel. Skinfan13 has taken the initiative of an entrepreneur and put this together with nothing but a jovial spirit and a little bit of random whoring on an excessive amount of member's talk pages.
In their own charter, they claim that they stand for three thing, being Humor, Honor and Hubris, even if they are unable to spell two of them in English.
Already boasting membership of some of the finest that Uncyclopedia has to offer, including the founder of Der Unwehr and its highest point holding member, it is focused on creating one quality article per month via collaboration. However, rather than covering the same ground so amply covered by Imperial Colonization, it chooses to take its inspiration from one of most neglected sources, Wanted Pages.
However, not content to simply cater to those who like to work together on articles, they also have another focus in their writing sights - Requested Articles. And the third major focus is the betterment of articles by non members through their unstinting work on Pee Review.
While this is still in it's infancy the fraternity/sisternity is looking for
For those who are after more information, feel free to check out ΥΣΣ today. Or tomorrow, if that works better for you. The bar is always open, although not always stocked.
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Friday, 04:44, Apr 2 2010 UTC
|For your vote in VFS
and as promised last time
UnSignpost 4/8/10 - Oh hi Signpost.[edit]
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
Apr 8th, 2010 • Issue 83 • News even an Uncyclopedian can understand![1]
We deliver on our promises
As stated in last weeks edition of the USP, VFS is over, and we've run out of material to be able to fill this particular edition.
Discussion about what to include in here has been vast and varied. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user suggested we write an article about how it's his birthday today, but how are we going to be able to write an entire article about his birthday? Especially when the bastard hasn't invited us to his party or shared any of his cake with us.
Other suggestions included writing the value of π to the first 1,000 digits, or planting drugs on an admin. As none of the regular writers are able to do anything mathematical, and we attempted to plant drugs on an admin, but they mysteriously disappeared before we could discover them, those options were excluded.
So instead we have gone back to suggestions for what we were going to do for the April Fool's day issue, where EMC suggested we have an article which simply showed someone being hit in the face with a pie. Working on the assumption that a picture is worth one thousand words, this seems to incorporate elements from most of the ideas we have had so far.
If you are interested in helping to
Spinning some new yarns
Intrigued, your ever-alert UnSignpost asked the project's founder, Multiliteralist, for some quotes, preferably lengthy ones for the sake of padding. He responded: "You like the truth, don't you? But you don't like it the way it is now? Join us." Which is all well and good, but doesn't exactly fill this article out anything like enough. Fortunately, he added: "Our door is open for anyone with - in the words of Sir Humphrey Appleby - some moral flexibility." That was slightly more helpful for our purposes.
Fortunately, however, he followed that up with: "Early this year, I felt something was missing in the world. That something was
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Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 19:49, April 8, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost 15/4/10 - Yet another on time delivery.[edit]
The periodical without any junk in its trunk!
Apr 15th, 2010 • Issue 84 • News? Where we're going, we don't need... News...
Something Scary This Way "Comes"
A recent infestation of glowing dildos has taken over the front page of Uncyclopedia. Many users were shocked on April 11th when they opened up their web browsers and were treated to bright green replicas of EugeneKay's penis. Everywhere. Even poor anti-Semite Mel Gibson couldn't escape the wrath of the glowing dick. And the reason for the Scream in Edvard Munch's famous painting was revealed - turns out to have been caused by a hoard of giant glowing EugeneKay penises - an understandable reaction.
When asked to comment on the matter, users simply refused to acknowledge that they had seen the penises at all. "Well, I for one didn't notice anything. Glowing penii are so common around here that these particular examples of illuminated manhood really didn't make an impression..." said Aleister in Chains. HELPME had a different outlook on the whole matter: "of course I noticed, how couldn't I? They were everywhere!" he exclusively told our intrepid reporter. Random internet traffic took notice of the infestation as well, with 127.0.0.1 commenting" "Ballsack!!!11 alolololololololooll pasfsdkjfhaelkfjds PENIS PENIS PENIS." He was promptly banned.
The infestation passed almost as quickly as it came and a sense of normalcy returned to the main page when the penises retreated into the dark and abysmal graveyard of unused image files. By April 13th, all traces of the Great Penis Invasion of April 11-13 2010 (as it is now being called) were gone. There are, however, unconfirmed reports that the menace still lingers close to the main page, just waiting to strike again soon.
I See IC All At Sea
We didn't need to ask the outgoing Admiral for a comment, as he was falling over himself to give us plenty, so we randomly selected the following: "I'm anal for accuracy", he told us. Among other things.
Anyway, if you want to follow in Why?'s footsteps, and those of his illustrious predecessors in charge of the Colonization project, you can sign up to be considered for the post here. If it helps, you may wear a nice hat (please provide your own hat).
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--ChiefjusticeDS 20:29, April 15, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost 1 May[edit]
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
April 22nd 1st May, 2010 • Issue 85 • Insert penis joke here
The launch of a new and exciting weekend edition. Maybe.
"Where is my signpost?" was the cry heard from the world wide masses this week. "There should have been an issue on the 22nd and on the 29th, and nothing seems to have been done about it."
Fear not, gentle reader, for the signpost will not go gentle into the good night. We have instead taken a brief hiatus for no reason that we could conceivably come up with, and now we are back in a blaze of glory.
For those who are unaware of our proud history, the next issue, coming out this Thursday, will mark the (roughly) 2 year anniversary of the creation of the UnSignpost, the unperiodic periodical started by Dr. Skullthumper and Cajek. The good doctor, at the time of the first issue, was asked what his feelings were towards creating the first formalised forum for spam within Uncyclopedia. It was from this that we now have the immortal words "Those assholes better appreciate this. They'd BETTER."
Now, two years on from those words of wit and wisdom, the UnSignpost is still
There have been varied reports as to why the USP has not been released. One suggestion is that regular contributors just "couldn't be bothered writing." Others have suggested that it comes down to the unwillingness of the head editor, who was recently heard to say "I'm so against... this... again... (E)xistence is far more than (it) deserves."[1]
One of the more probable reasons for the lack of issues may be that the news has now gone viral, and is available more readily through facebook then it has been previously. One facebook semi-regular, who bears a remarkable resemblance to a Silent Bob inaction figure, has said of this development "Excuse me, but I think your geek is showing." Dexter111344 supported the move to the social networking site by saying "I won't be joining as I don't intend to ever make a Facebook."
Another possibility is the number of users now communicating via UnSkypelopedia. When asked for a comment, EMC said "OH FUCKING CHRIST I'VE CUM" Dr.Skullthumper, however, said "I started both of them.", and then wished to make reference to some forum or something.
Ethine, however, was somewhat more constructive, informing this reporter that "Since it's getting close to summer, we'll likely have more calls, as most people's schedules are slowing down. As well as calls, we have the neat little chat thing at the bottom, where everyone sexually harasses each other when calls aren't going." Despite several attempts, I still haven't been sexually harassed.
One reason why users have not been as distracted recently is due to the enormous amount of work going on at PEE review. At present there are articles waiting for review which have been there for over three weeks. For all those who are looking to get the review process back and alive, please pick up an article for review today. Your time and investment into this proud tradition can create the next great article, like the recently featured A wizard did it or the recently nominated UnNews:Windows 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 came out, hailed by some as "the most profound and groundbreaking article to hit Uncyclopedia in over 50 years"
Another reason why many users may be distracted is the number of collaborations that are currently in progress. Of those there is Tim Burton, being cleaned up by the team at ΥΣΣ, lead by the fantastic Skinfan13. Also starting to make some ground in the spread of reliable information is the team at Multiliteralist/Summit of Spin, lead by the wonderful Multiliteralist. And of course, coming out blinking from seeing the light of Discordianism is the ever faithful Imperial colonization, lead by everyone's favourite canine,
And of course, another reason might simply be that the team here at USP are all running around arranging bake sales to assist with Poo Lit Surprise, the bi-annual competition that actually gives prizes to the winners.
The most likely explanation, however, is that nothing newsworthy ever happens on Uncyclopedia
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Brought to you by fucking magic. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 09:59, 1 May 2010