text:
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Sweet Blindness
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The current snowstorm is coinciding with a sudden urge to remain horizontal as well as unconscious. I have now slept for fifteen hours, barring brief periods of time when I arose only to send concise texts (and in one case a lengthy text) to people whom I hoped would be concerned.
I thought I was feverish again but it appears to have passed. Moreover, the feverish fervor with which I have forced my fantasy upon an innocent group of young people also appears to have passed. I saw myself through new eyes at yesterday's rehearsal, and what I saw was not a good man.
Admittedly, it was a difficult number, and I could have been more prepared. At one point I left the musical direction up to Cody. I observed him at that point to be a much more competent musical director than I. I had taken a break, ostensibly to use the bathroom, but more poignantly to see if someone other than myself could possibly take over that function. That is, the function of Musical Director (not the bodily function involved in going to the bathroom — I still have competence in that area.)
When I had been trying to teach the big choral number, "Children of the Universe," even though I had written and arranged the piece myself, I could not possibly keep track of all its nuances. At one point, I was reading notes as though they had been written in bass clef, whereas in fact I had written them in treble clef. This shows how little ability I have to remember even my own music that I myself have composed.
The voice inside me that kept telling me I was "not good enough" was so strong and ever-present, it actually generated a self-fulfilling prophecy. I could not possibly focus even on the aspects of the project on which I remained competent, for all the noise in my head advising me how incompetent I truly was.
When Zazen agreed to position the iPhone for me so as to video the piano piece for Friday, as she has been doing every Thursday, I found I could not get through an entire song. Tears fell thereafter – but now I'm getting personal.
I like my home piano, the Howard upright, and I have playing it more frequently for emotional release. If I can figure out how to position the phone, I may still produce something today. I'm not going outside. The weather suggests hunkering down.
My internal climate is like unto the weather. It suggest some form of retreat and deeper reflection. As of today, I have no remaining energy to be involved in my musical project. I feel that, in trying to get the concept of my story across to these very talented and dedicated young people, I have unwittingly engaged them in my undying personal fantasy — a world of my imagination, quite incompatible with the reality that we all must share.
It is unconscionable that I have done so. But God may have been merciful. If any group of people could possibly determine how this show could conceivably be engineered without me, it is they. I will henceforth seek to remove myself gradually from any involvement with this musical.
That said, the show must go on.
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Q. What's happening now?
A. Another Tuesday has begun.
Q. And what will this Tuesday bring?
A. How should I know? It might bring happiness. It might bring sorrow.
Q. How does that differ from any other day?
A. It doesn't.
Q. But did I ask you about any other day?
A. No, you did not.
Q. Then why don't you answer my question about today? Isn't today Tuesday? Why did you generalize? Why did you extrapolate? Why did you just answer about any old day?
A. Wow – you're certainly firing a lot of questions at me!
Q. Isn't that my job?
A. I imagine so. But in this case, the rapid-fire is a bit overwhelming.
Q. Rapid fire? Am I firing at you? As though I intend to harm you? Do you see me as an enemy? An adversary?
A. You might well be.
Q. Why would that be? Why?
A. Well – think about it. If one is trying to be confident in what one does, and another person is questioning them constantly, wouldn't that undermine their confidence?
Q. Are you suggesting that my role is to undermine your confidence?
A. Uh — er — not exactly. At least, not all the time. You seem to — um — wear different hats, and —
Q. Why are you hemming and hawing?
A. I wasn't aware that I —
Q. Do you think you can pull the wool over my eyes?
A. Well, I haven't really thought of it in those terms, although —
Q. Although what? Why are you beating around the bush? What are you really trying to say? Why don't you just come out with it?
A. I — uh — er — am — um —
Q. I uh er am um? What on earth is that supposed to mean?
A. I — uh — er — am feeling a bit intimidated at the moment.
Q. Intimidated? Why in heaven's name should you feel intimidated? Am I not the most harmless character you've ever run across?
A. I can't say that you have ever harmed me physically, no.
Q. Are you suggesting I have harmed you psychologically?
A. Let's just say you've sometimes shaken me up a bit.
Q. Am I shaking you up right now? Am I?
A. As a matter of fact, you are. And you're reminding me of someone.
Q. Who?
A. About five years ago, there was a man who shook me up on the streets. He was a very aggressive man. He would not take "no" for an answer. Always trying to sell me marijuana. I would tell him I had no money. But he would insist I could pay him later. I would tell him I wasn't interested. I would say this and that, but kept on insisting.
He was a very strange man. He kept a King James Bible on the dashboard of his car, and showed up regularly at the Bible Study. At first, I assumed he was a devout Christian. But as I got to know him, I realized his Christian veneer was but a cover. The King James was merely a good luck charm, and he attended the Bible Study largely to find customers to whom to peddle his marijuana. That, and to schmooze with attractive Christian women.
Q. Why didn't they kick him out of the Bible Study? Isn't such behavior ungodly?
A. This was in Berkeley — a city noted for tolerating what it shouldn't, and not tolerating what it should.
Q. Should you have tolerated that guy?
A. Well, I should have put up with him. But I shouldn't have caved in to his conniving nature.
Q. How did you cave in?
A. By not saying "no." The easiest thing to do was to accept the marijuana and tell him I'd pay him later. That way I could finally get rid of him.
Q. Do you have trouble saying "no?" I mean, in general?
A. Yes.
Q. So why did he shake you up?
A. Obviously, he shook me up when I failed to pay him.
Q. Are you saying you smoked the marijuana, but did not pay him?
A. If I recall correctly, the last time he did this, I instantly gave it all away to people more interested in smoking it.
Q. You're not interested in smoking marijuana?
A. Not really, no. At times I have been, but not in recent times. And not back then, either.
Q. How much did you owe him?
A. In that case, $120. Earlier though, I only owed him $20. And that was when he shook me up.
Q. He shook you up over twenty dollars? Why would he do such a thing?
A. Probably because he felt disrespected.
Q. How did he shake you up? What did he do to you?
A. He saw me walking down the sidewalk in his direction, took off his jacket, glared at me, and hit me on the right shoulder with one hand, on the left side of my waist with the other. Then he walked off, pointing back at me, and admonishing me: "Don't f—k with me!!"
Q. Were you hurt?
A. Not at all. Just a little shook up.
Q. So how do I remind of you of that guy?
A. It's your aggression. Granted, you're not always this aggressive. But neither was he. On some days, I find you more annoying than others. This particular Tuesday, your level of annoying aggression approaches that of the aforementioned adversarial entity.
Q. Entity?
A Well — I would have said "asshole" to complete the alliteration, but I don't like to cuss.
Q. Why do you think I'm being so aggressive? And why have you thought about that fellow?
A. Not sure. Maybe it has to do with the letter I got in the mail recently.
Q. The letter from Mike?
A. Yeah. I took his good will at face value. I wrote back, and even left a return address.
Q. And you're suggesting that Mike might not be trusted with your address?
A. Well, I usually don't give it out to anyone. I don't even let people in my home community know where I live. But the content of Mike's letter warmed my heart. So I made an exception.
Q. Do you feel that you might have "caved in" to Mike?
A. Interesting question. I feel that I trusted Mike. But I also feel that the trust, in this case, was a risk.
Q. Why?
A. Because I like my anonymity. I like to be reclusive. I'm an Artist — I like to create. And I don't like people to mess with me. I prefer that no one knock on my door.
Q. Did you get messed with on the streets?
A. Yeah. They were always messing with me. It interfered with my desire to produce my Art.
Q. Are you afraid that this guy might come up and mess with you?
A. Which guy? Do you mean Mike?
Q. No – no – the dealer. The guy who shook you up.
A. Now that you mention it, yes.
Q. Isn't that highly unlikely? Don't you live about a thousand miles away from him?
A. I do, but so what? Many things happen that are unlikely.
Q. Do you still owe him money?
A. It's not about owing or not owing. It's about respect. That's what the streets are all about. When someone feels disrespected, they being to plot vengeance against those who have disrespected them.
Q. But wasn't that about five years ago?
A. Ah – but in those five years, nothing has changed.
Q. Do you respect that guy?
A. I've given him no reason to believe that I respect him.
Q. Do you respect me?
A. Yes, I do.
Q. Even though I remind you of that guy?
A. Yes.
Q. Why?
A. Because you're another story. And because this life, where you and I have engaged, and where my Art has been produced, is not like street life. The Old Story has passed. We're all living in a New Story.
The Questioner is silent.
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This is probably the truest of many renditions of my song "Turns Toward Dawn." It's been on my mind lately.
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Interesting version of my age-old song "The Age of Nevermore." Not sure about the church environment. This kind of music seems out of place. I do like the tone on that piano, though. It's almost a hundred years old.
Weird how I still look fat even though I've lost 15 pounds from running. It must be my "piano posture," but let's face it — that's not going to change. I look thin as soon as I stand up again. :(
Anyway, nice funky version of the tune, I was reading it off of my vocal score for a rehearsal tape. I pretty much want to abandon the Finale orchestrations and just put a five-piece band together — if and when, if you know what I mean.
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"The Letter" by Wayne Carlson. This piece was NOT done by Jefferson Airplane, unlike popular media misinformation. It was popularized by a group called the Box Tops, and covered by various Artists — including a spectacular rendition by Joe Cocker. Rolling Stone listed this song as No. 372 on their 500 Best Songs of All Time. Andy Pope at the Baldwin Grand, July 15, 2020.
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On these four albums, you will find compelling improvisations around contemporary classics you may recognize. These and other albums were sold as CD's between 2018 and 2020, mostly locally. As of today, I'm offering them for free. Any charitable donation will of course be appreciated.
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(1) I am thankful that my daughter is in my life today. It makes me feel good to know that, whatever might have gone wrong, I'm not the type of dad that I keep hearing some of these Kids tell me about. I've made mistakes — but at least I care. Some of those so-called fathers did not even care — and worse.
(2) Thankful for this desk. For my Lenovo IdeaPad, which safely returned from a warranty fix-up. Thankful for Audacity free audio editing software, because I got into the multi-tracking and the mixing last night or the first time, and it was all I could do to stop mixing Zazen's song, I was so thrilled. This opens up a whole new world of creative possibilities. I can actually even place musical underscores at key moments in my oral presentations. It's amazing what technology can do, if properly utilized.
(3) Grateful for the revelation that when I lost my cool recently, I was basically mad at all the other people on the team because I wasn't doing my job. True, they weren't doing their jobs either, but it's my job to make sure they do their jobs, and they're definitely not going to be about doing it without pay and without pressure of definite deadline if I don't kinda gently get on them about it, now and again. So, I'm glad I saw the light. I got my work cut out for me now.
(4) Just ran six miles — my longest run since I've been in North Idaho, I'm ashamed to say — and it feels great. Looking forward to getting a lot of work done tonight.
(5) Looking forward to meeting my new student on Zoom for the third time tomorrow, and to having coffee thereafter with my buddy Tom, the fellow who helps with the four-hand job of putting the smartphone on the tripod. But other than that once-or-twice-daily step-out, I mostly continue to be grateful to be sheltering in place. It's teaching me to be grateful for the place I have for shelter. For a long time, there was no such place. Things really could be — and have been — a lot worse than they are today.
"I believe I am better than the people who are trying to reform me."
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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I did this one a few months ago, back in the good old days when I could still go to that church and hook up my rig with the tripod, and traverse the keys of that amazing Baldwin grand piano like there was no tomorrow. Sadly those days have been replaced by more difficult days, as we all know.
But anyway I am posting this medley of "Moon River" by Henry Mancini, "Wintertime Love" by Jim Morrison, and the old English version of the hymn "In the Bleak Midwinter." I call it "Resolve." It's a cut on an album called Abandon. If you want a copy of the entire album after hearing this, hit me up and we'll work something out.
Never did look at this video until tonight. I ripped it to mp3 at the time to stick it on the album, and for a reason that ought to be obvious to anyone who knows me, I only glanced peripherally at the video.
(By the way, if the reason isn't as obvious I think it is, go ahead and tell me you think it is. If you're right, maybe I can give you some kind of grand prize on my way to the bank, if and when.) Enjoy, folks.
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Q. What's going on inside?
A. Elation.
Q. Elation? Are you out of your mind??
A. Not that I know of, no. Why would I be?
Q. Well, what on earth is there to be elated about? Don't you know what's going on in the world?
A. I do.
Q. Then why are you elated?
A. Elation is an ephemeral state. It won't last, you know. I just happen to be elated right now.
Q. What about?
A. Something really great happened, and it got me feeling good.
Q. What happened?
A. I figured out how to pay the phone bill in time to keep the service on before they disconnected it.
Q. You figured it out?
A. Yes.
Q. What is so hard about paying a phone bill?
A. Well, I don't know. Have you tried lately?
Q. What do you mean?
A. You got to get the money off of one card to the other card, switch accounts, deal with voicemail loops, get it to revolve on the day when you have the money, deal with them lying to you, trying to get the money out of you earlier, shortening the days in the business cycle, hoping you won't notice, not to mention —
Q. STOP!! Are you having a manic episode?
A. Not at all, sir. I'm merely elated.
Q. Just because you were able to pay a phone bill?
A. Well, you should have seen me last month and the month before. It isn't easy these days for me, given all that goes on between my ears, to pay a phone bill. Both of the previous months they turned off the service until I could manage to get to the office and have the guy there take my card and go through the motions for me.
Q. So you paid the phone bill, and proceeded to feel elated?
Q. Overjoyed, man. Happy, chipper, and high.
Q. High?
A. Figuratively speaking.
Q. What about literally?
A. Literally, no. In fact, I resisted that one.
Q. How so?
A. Well, when I became elated, I wanted to celebrate. I felt myself cycling over toward the marijuana dispensary three miles down the road.
Q. Marijuana?
A. Yeah. This stuff:
Q. Why would you want to smoke marijuana?
A. Psychological association. There was a time when I would reward myself with a celebratory bowl, every time I accomplished something noteworthy.
Q. Such as pay a phone bill?
A. You got it.
Q. But this time you resisted?
A. Yeah – I felt myself headed in that direction. So I took a different turn.
Q. What turn was that?
A. I located a local homeless boy and gave him five bucks.
Q. How did that keep you from smoking?
A. Oh it made it easy! It was the last five bucks I had left after paying the phone bill.
Q. You're that broke?
A. Again, an ephemeral state. I won't be broke at all come Friday. End of the month, you know. Poverty Culture. We kinda live month to month, fend, try to enjoy life, the best things thereof being free, and all that.
Q. Isn't it a bit crass to be broadcasting your personal financial situation?
A. Not where I come from. I've been in some societies where it's crass to bring up money at all.
Q. And in your society?
A. You mean Poverty Culture? We talk about money all the time! We talk about small amounts. We loan each other fifty cents and back. How can we even co-exist without talking about money? There's only so much to go around.
Q. What are you driving at?
A. Nothing really. Just shootin' the breeze.
Q. What about COVID-19?
A. Sheltering in place.
Q. Wouldn't that be the perfect place to smoke your weed? Where nobody is watching?
A. It's been done. But believe me, I like myself better without it.
Q. But aren't you way more hyper than you used to be?
A. Is that a problem?
Q. I don't know. Is it?
A. Not for me. Not home alone. Not here all by myself. Who's to complain about my level of energy? Who's to call me manic? Who's to call me on anything? I'll be as manic as I want! Any of you psych agents wanna try to medicate my precious mania out of my system, you go right ahead. I'm an Artist!! I will generate a manic episode if I think it's going to help my work! But WOAH!!! WOAH!!!!!
Q. Did you just feel an earthquake?
A. Yes I did.
Q. Aren't earthquakes pretty rare in this part of the world?
A. Maybe. I don't know. Gotta check Facebook.
Q. Facebook? Why not check USGS?
A. Good idea. Somehow I assumed Facebook would be the more authoritative source. Hang on a minute . . . no, nothing at USGS yet. Oh – here it is! 6.3! Wow!
Q. Did you actually just have an earthquake right while you were writing this post?
A. Sure did. Check the link.
Q. Still elated?
A. Naw. I think I blogged it out of my system. It's a good thing, too. Elation can be very deceiving. There's a cooler, steadier energy at work here, slowly creating finer facts and fiction — but it works behind the scenes.
The Questioner is silent.
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Something made me put all this together, at some point. First, this is my song "Cold This Season." It goes into something Old English, then some Sondheim, and then finally the song "On My Own" from Les Miserables by Claude-Michel Schönberg. It may be stuff you've all heard before–in some form–but there's a certain flow and applicability here. Hope you enjoy it. Andy Pope at the Baldwin Grand.
By the way, this is a cut off of my newly released Suspended album. Hit me up for details if you want to buy it.
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This French ballad was composed by André Popp. (For real! No pun intended, and he was not a distant relative.) Lyrics were originally composed in French by Pierre Cour, with English lyrics by Bryan Blackburn. References to the 2nd Movement — the "Allegretto" — of Beethoven's 7th Symphony throughout. Andy Pope at the Baldwin Grand, March 12, 2020.
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I was recently challenged to improvise on the piano for three minutes without exploding into a fit of passion. I turned on the recorder just as I played my impromptu prelude to last Wednesday's Taize service, and here's how it came out:
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Okay here's my take on "For No One" — hands chopped off and all. I've deleted my disclaimers for the sake of discretion. Hopefully the music and its message will be "for some one." Enjoy. :)
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This morning's daily gratitude.
(1) Though I slept only four hours sporadically, I did get a solid afternoon nap yesterday and also have confidence I'll sleep more deeply at some point in the near future. I'm grateful for a light schedule these days that doesn't hassle me or make me too uptight, and I'm always thankful for the power of needed sleep.
(2) Grateful to have a nice quiet apartment to myself, where I can enjoy the quiet hours of darkness before the dawn, and usually get a lot of writing done, unhindered by interruptions from others.
(3) Nice to hear the rain pitter-pattering outside my window. After so many years of sleeping outdoors, it's nice to be inside.
(4) The six-piece praise ensemble at my church really did an outstanding job premiering my first-ever worship song, "I Want to Worship You," yesterday. They were so gentle and genuine with it, I was so honored for them to have selected it. They put their hearts into it, and I was blessed.
(5) I've been faithful to meditate twenty minutes daily, with a few days off here and there. It's helping me to effect a better balance in life, and not be so self-destructively driven in the area of creative output. Also, a local math professor gifted me with a copy of The Cloud of Unknowing in contemporary English. That's the book that influenced my pastor's meditative practice, and it's helping to inform mine, as well.
(6) I also just found a free pdf of the book Please Understand Me online. Eager to delve back into David Kiersey's unique Myers-Briggs type descriptions, from which I learned so much in the 90's.
(7) Today marks three and a half years that I have lived indoors after many years of struggling on the San Francisco Bay Area streets. I've paid my rent on time every month, and have mostly lived alone here, with a few house guests here and there. Between my music and writing gigs, and a healthy retirement income from the government, I have not had to suffer for bread. Everybody thought I was going to die a pathetic, meaningless death in a gutter. And now, in the midst of life's trials and setbacks, I am nonetheless happier than I have ever been in my life.
(8) Been walking about seven miles a day lately, briskly. I even did fifteen push-ups in a single set the other day. I'm thinking I can get by on running just twice a week, and still do the Eugene Half Marathon in April. It will be a rush to run at sea level again after training at such a high altitude here in North Idaho.
(9) Very grateful for the community of artists, writers, and musicians that I prayed for so desperately for so many years, when I had found myself instead surrounded by hustlers, hookers, and thieves. The community has come together even more in the wake of the death of a dear friend — a musician named Paul — one of the most vibrant and magnanimous people I have ever met. He will be remembered in his glaring absence at the Open Mike on Friday. May Paul Anders rest in the same joy and peace he brought to us all.
(10) God is Love.
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My improvisations toward — and away from — the classic themes of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. Unlike recent recordings done with an iPhone 10, this one was made using my pastor Norman's old Motorola. It gives it a nice effect — I hope you like it.
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Spontaneous improvisations leading up to themes from "Oracle" —
the closing number of Act One of the new musical Eden in Babylon,
Copyright © 2019 by Andrew Michael Pope.
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This is probably about the 4th version you've received of this one same song of mine. Heck, I never do play this one exactly right from start to finish! But this one might well be the most "definitive."
Anyway, this ought to tide you over. I'm waiting for clips from last night's Open Mike to surface in my inbox. It might be a while, so enjoy . . .
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Did this one Saturday morning immediately on awakening. I'm glad I've given up the concept of a "morning ritual." Things have been working out a lot better with my new "spontaneous" approach. (Helps with the holiday blues, too).
1. Really interesting, obviously meaningful, vivid dreams.
2. Slept almost 8 hrs between 10:30 and 6:30, getting up briefly at 4 to take my thyroid medication. Surprised I slept so well and so long.
3. Made it to the Food Bank and this time they gave me coffee too. Walked two big bags home and nothing broke.
4. Heard from T. three times yesterday, like late at night. She seemed to want to interact, but I was too brain-dead. Then I dreamed about her all night, and it's interesting that I've gotten to No. 4 (doing this first thing on waking up) and still remember the dreams.
5. I even stopped to make coffee in the meantime, and I still remember the dreams. Moreover, this time the coffee's at the right strength — it's Winko's Classic Roast — and it tastes so good. Nice to have a coffee maker and good coffee, when it's so cold outside. Nice to be inside. Nice to be out of the cold.
6. Heard from Jennifer, the God Thru the Arts lady, whom I believe is a music teacher back East. She liked my We Three Kings. Sorta made my night to hear from her.
7. I don't seem to have a big urge or craving to smoke, or any desire to go out of my way to get any. For me, this is a good thing. I just want the issue to be out of the way so I can stop tripping on it and be more effective in life, without it always tugging at me. And that seems to be happening, though I feel a void.
8. Thankful for those two theology groups, and the way I met them just because they were entering the reserved reading room to the right of the Round Table, and I sort of merrily joined in. The one from St. Mark's has turned out to be a real blessing.
9. Read all of 1 Peter and 2 Peter when I came home last night. I should read the Bible more, it has a way of making me humble.
10. Okay, so I've been depressed lately because it seems I don't quite know how to love or be loved. The things that most people seek after escape me. They don't interest me; I don't understand what they think they're going to receive from all these situations that almost invariably cause them pain. The dream was all about that too, combined with me being in a stressed out leadership position and winding up crying on some lady's shoulder at the end. But you wanna know what? It's my Karma. Time to Embrace It. My lot in life, my portion – could have been a lot more meaningless. Let God Be My Judge. I am grateful for who I am.
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There's a possibly even more fiery version of "We Three Kings" on my new album, Suspended. I'll get the slow version to you later.
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============ Forwarded message ============
From: Andy Pope
Date: Thu, 05 Dec 2019 22:38:22 -0800
Subject: New Piano Album "Suspended" Now Available
============ Forwarded message ============
Greetings –
I'm writing mostly to people I know locally who have purchased my piano CD's in the past. But also I am including people from afar whom I suspect might like to have one. I have a brand new one I have named "Suspended." It's full of twelve songs, as follows:
1. "San Francisco" – Scott McKenzie
2. "Try to Remember" – Tom Jones & Harry Schmidt
3. "Shenandoah" – Traditional
4. "Cold This Season" – Andy Pope
5. "Dark Holly" – Traditional
6. "Send in the Clowns" – Stephen Sondheim
7. "On My Own" – Claude-Michel Schönberg
8. "Kum Ba Yah" – Traditional
9. "Bubbles Taboo" – Andy Pope
10. "Who Will Buy?" – Lionel Bart
11. "California Dreamin" – John Phillips and Michelle Phillips
12. "We Three Kings" – Traditional
If you're around town and would like to hang on to five or ten bucks to help me out in this endeavor, I'll be up and down Main Street peddling my newest wares within the next few days or so — you can't miss me. If you're afar, I really miss you, and I'll send you one for $12 USD if you reply with your postal mailing address.
Hoping you're all having a happy holiday! I look forward to hearing from you —
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I dug this up the other day, thought I'd lost it. It's "Resolve" from my concept album, Abandon. Thought it was worth sharing, if for no other reason than you get to see me without my beanie on. (Believe me, that's a once-in-a-lifetime appearance.)
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The holiday threw off my plans to record a new piano piece, but I would like to offer my very dark version of "A Day in the Life," the famous Beatles tune by John Lennon & Paul McCartney, as recorded using a Samsung Galaxy J-1. Andy Pope at the Baldwin Grand, January 10, 2018. Hope you enjoy it.
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Take One is on my YouTube channel, and Take Two is the result of a hunch I could do this lovely song a bit more justice. But the visuals turned up flawed. So I uploaded it to mp3 and posted it on my SoundCloud. This is a song from the musical Les Miserables, with music by Claude-Michel Schönberg, and English lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer. I adjusted the lyrics to suit my orientation, (as is common practice), then commenced to daydream thoughout the latter portion of the song. Whoever feels like jotting down the exact minute/second spot where the daydream begins, be my guest.
On my own
Pretending she's beside me
All alone
I walk with her till morning
Without her
I feel her arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And she has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love her
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
Her world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known
I love her
I love her
I love her
But only on my own
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I found this "plea" in my Zoho Docs folder, a folder I rarely open. I had long ago forgotten writing this on March 18, 2016. I was homeless at the time, and had been homeless for quite a few years. Little did I know that my exact plea was to be answered, four months and nine days later. Not only did I receive the "lock on the door, window, and power outlet" for which I was pleading; I even received the "community of like-minded Artists and visionaries" that I was hoping would replace my homeless community. So I cannot help but post this plea — verbatim and unaltered, in all its raw and fervent appeal. The only thing that has been changed is that the words now appearing in italics were once in caps, since it was written on a Facebook timeline.
I apologize for my recent mania. Although — I'm thinking. What exactly is wrong with mania? What is there to apologize for? People tell me I "exhaust" them. But to me, almost everybody else seems to be moving in slow motion. Is it morally wrong that I think and move so quickly? Of course not. But I begin to develop a chip on my shoulder. I do not know how to express this dynamic clearly or articulately, or in a manner that would be persuasive of my case. My "apology" — such as it is — is placed before your eyes in order that it may be held distinct from the mania that was placed in another venue. I am banking on your objectivity to help me to believe that I can find words to express my position in such a way that will incur the empathy of the powerful.
This is because I, despite an empathic nature, despite an articulate presence, have been robbed of my natural power by a set of conditions and circumstances that have persisted far past the point of the conscious choices that initially set them into motion. That set of conditions and circumstances is called, in a word, homelessness. It has been going on for eleven years now. I do not know how I have made it this far. But I do know that I am not going to make it much farther without real help from someone who has the power to help and who cares to help. So: let's get real.
I cannot live outdoors any longer. I mean – I can, but we may expect my life to end within the next two years at best. From eleven years of Homelessness I am finally breaking down. I, even I. No one can take the overwhelming conditions of homelessness for long without breaking in some way at some point. That I have endured this long is miraculous — especially in combination with the fact that every single person who is homeless understands my issue completely – whether they can articulate it or not – and every single person who lives indoors believes that my issue is something other than what it is.
Initially, this dynamic fascinated me. It fascinated me on an academic level, sociologically, as an item of analysis. But it has grown to disgust me. Not on an emotional level — but on a revolutionary level. Let me articulate my issue as clearly as I can. I know you love me – and I know you have had your own overwhelming issues. And I am proud of you. But please hear what my issue is. Every homeless person I know will echo this issue. I might as well speak in the editorial "we." I speak on behalf of the Homeless People of the United States of America.
Our issue is that we feel unloved.
Much as I know that you love me, much as I know that my brother loves me, much as I know that my best female friend loves me – and if I have a remaining male friend who has not rejected me totally, he probably loves me too, whoever he is — I do not feel loved. None of us do. We feel unloved because it is not possible for us to grasp the disparity between the love that we see in the eyes of those who profess it – the love that I hear in your voice and in the voice of my brother and of my best female friend – and the other side of that dynamic, which is that none of the people who love us so will let us into their homes, much less agree to rent rooms to us, even in exchange for good money that we promise to pay. This is a universal homeless phenomenon.
Apparently, it is thought that we do not bathe. That our clothes are filthy. That we cannot manage. We will do something horrible in your house. If this were not the case, then why are we not in houses of our own? Although we know that the demand for affordable housing far exceeds the supply – in America – we still feel somehow blamed for the fact that we are the one who got left without residence. It's as though we're all in a competition, we are the ones who lost the game, and the booby prize is homelessness.
Rather than look at us as "losers," why not view us according to reason? Because of high demand and low supply, somebody had to get left. It just happened to be us. We feel like lepers. We are the ostracized, the rejected, the pariahs, the untouchables. We are the perennial round pegs who did not fit, despite ourselves, into the square holes of the society that has discarded us.
We feel unloved because we do not understand how all these people who love us are permitting us to persist in a pattern of life that we have pleaded with them to help us to escape. For some of us, those pleas have been sent out for years. In my case, for eleven years. During that time there have been brief oases of residence that have lasted in some cases as long as six or seven months or more, before — before what? Something happened, and we are out in the wilderness once more.
What is that happened? Why did we lose those short-lived residential sites? It is because we didn't want to sell used cars for our landlords, nor trim their marijuana plants. The housemates didn't like the way that we paced the floors, or perhaps we were possessed of an annoying tick or snore that kept them awake at night. When asked to put something in the microwave, we who were absent-minded put it in the broiler oven instead. When it was discovered that we had been homeless, that somehow explained everything in the eyes of the potential landlord, and those eyes moved on to the next applicant — the one who had references and a credit rating, the one who either had not been homeless, or else was remarkably good at hiding the fact that they had. If the latter were the case, and one would possess that depth of discretion (I, by the way, do not), then one would probably have been shrewd enough to have avoided homelessness altogether in the first place.
In my case, after seven years of struggling, I finally became homeless by choice. That choice was made long ago. Made gladly, as you know. The problem is that it is no longer my choice. But I am having the devil of the time acting on the new choice – which is not to be homeless – because the stigmata that is Homelessness radiates from my forehead like a scarlet letter, as though warning everyone who crosses my path that I, like the others, having dabbled in the darkness that is homelessness, am thereby marked and branded. I differ from Cain only in that I have not yet killed a man. But I am just as marked, living in the awful place of confusion wherein the love of God so fills my heart that I know I am forgiven, and yet I know not what it is for which one must forgive me. I know that only God has forgiven me, and suspect that only God can. For we are those whom Man cannot forgive: The Unforgiven in the Eyes of Man. Not only that, but we do not know what we did that they won't forgive us for. Ask ten people, we get ten different answers.
Homeless? You must be lazy. You're not? Then you're a loser. You're not? Then you're a dead beat. You're not? Well then, shall we say, scum bag? Dirt bag? Piece of shit – that's it! You must be a piece of shit. No doubt you are seriously drug-addicted. Hard drugs, the kind that ought never be discussed, much less indulged. You must be an alcoholic. Or severely mentally unhealthy – yes, that's it. You're a wing nut. Homeless? What do you mean by homeless? There's got to be a reason for it.
Well, yes there is a reason. By definition, a person is homeless because he does not have a home. Whatever those other problems are – and believe me, if you're homeless for long enough, you'll encounter them all- they certainly cannot be solved until the problem of Homelessness that preempted them is solved. Otherwise, they will only recur again and again, because Homelessness feeds them. They come with the territory. We not only are homeless, but we will always be homeless, and we should always be homeless. We not only will never have a place to live indoors again, but we should not ever have a place to live again. Through the impaired vision of America, homelessness is seen not as a temporary state of affairs, but as a permanent and insoluble, incurable condition of the soul.
It is not that I happen to be able to withstand cold temperatures and inclement weather. It is not that I sleep in thunderstorms without a bedroll, shouting "Bring it On!" and exerting mighty pelvic thrusts toward the stars with each successive lightning bolt or thunderclap. It is not that I have not worn a jacket since 1985, or that I ran my half-marathon PR in 35 mph gales high on LSD flanked by local city cops. It is not that I am gonzo. True – I got exactly what I asked for, and if my book on the subject, the book that has needed to be written for years now, the book that explains the conditions from homelessness according to an author who actually is homeless and not according to some detached liberal social worker or socio-economist or some other form of clueless ivory tower bleeding heart do-gooder – but from the card-carrying, gun-toting homeless bro in dick mode, the real homeless man, AKA Yours Truly. That book is being written faster than these words are being penned, however spontaneously. And people tell me I exhaust them? Ha! They ain't seen nothin' yet.
That I have pleaded persistently with people who do have the power to terminate this way of living for me and help me into dignified indoor situation – not a "shelter" – nothing to do with "services" – nothing to do with a "program" – nothing to do with agencies, facilities, or institutions, but an actual living situation that entails outside the realm of homelessness, that (unlike the others) does not simply lead the homeless back to homelessness. A dignified living situation, where it will not be assumed that I am a criminal, that I plot crimes when so visibly preoccupied – I do not – where my writings of music and text and script on all levels will actually be met with a supportive environment of like-minded Artists and visionaries, rather than with further attempts to transform the vibrancy of this particularly uniquely gifted Child of the Most High into an impassive robot clone who serves the purposes of a sterile society consisting of those whose claim to fame is neither to threaten, not to make waves, not to cause wrinkles in time or similar anomalies that would disrupt the deluded flow of a culture gone awry. I refuse to join the ranks of those whose brains have been suspended until further notice so that they no longer can think for themselves but only serve the purposes of the State and of spiritual wickedness in high places when I AM A CHILD OF GOD! I AM A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH KING! I AM BORN OF THE UNIVERSE THAT IS UNFOLDING ACCORDING TO DIVINE DESIGN, and I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE WHO I AM!
And I'm tired. Believe it or not, I — even I — tire. I exhaust even myself. So I close.
These could be the words of an asshole. But they are not. They are the words of a person who has been chosen to receive a message that he will articulate with precision and persuasive power. It is a message that America needs to hear – and that the nation, yea the world, has not yet heard. It is not that the message has not been delivered. On the contrary, it has been submitted en masse. It is that those to whom it has been spoken either have not listened, or they have not needed to hear it. Who has not listened to the message? Those of you live indoors. Who does not need to hear it? The homeless people of America who, ironically, are the only ones listening to it.
I can no longer abide the fact that only other homeless people are hearing the message that needs to be heard by those who are not. Somebody somewhere please grant me a place to live indoors that contains three prerequisites:
(1) It must have a window. I will probably need air from the outdoors at all times.
(2) It must have a lock on a single door, and a hide-a-key under a stone outside.
(3) It must have at least one power outlet.
I will provide the rest. I will pay up to $460 a month. But no more, because I will need to have a grocery chain like Safeway deliver food to my door. If somebody wants to kick down a new pair of Size 11 1/2 New Balance running shoes, it will be greatly appreciated, but not necessary to the task. I need – obviously- to write.
To write – the Homeless Message to the Mainstream of Modern American Life. What we want – is to be heard. What we want – is to be understood. What we want – is to be believed. What we want – is to be respected. We could care less if you say you "love" us — because, we cannot believe that you love us, and yet never let us in your home to so much as take a shower in exchange for money. We will believe that you love us when you begin to listen to what we have to say.
It will take me approximately five months to finish the book which currently is outlined in a 12 – page single space outline in standard outline form which I will submit to anyone interested.
My daughter, I love you. And I am proud of you. My brother, my sister, all of you — I love you. But I have something to say and I am going to get myself into the position where I will be physically and technically able to say it. Somebody get me out of the situation where I have to spend 90% of my time searching either for outdoor power outlets or chump change for North Berkeley coffeehouses with attitudes.
Here is the ninth and of last of my speeches on the Homeless Phenomenon in America. It is called "A Parallel and Opposing Culture." Please – don't just listen to it. Believe it.
And whoever happens to have gotten to the bottom of this, if there's a God in Heaven or Beyond, that Power will bless you richly.
Andy Pope
Berkeley, California
March 18, 2016
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Hey I'll post something tonight, I have something in mind, the dude with the iPhone is coming over at 11:30, it will take a while for him to get the file to me and for me to upload it.
I'm kinda bummed with my playing lately, haven't been practicing, seem to be in a rut, and don't really have my chops in line. The song "Kum Ba Yah" came up in my philosophy class yesterday and I thought of an arrangement of it when I was neurodivergentally contemplating the concept and spacing out Mortimer Adler.
We'll see what happens. I'll try not to hit the keys too hard. It's been brought to my attention that the piano keeps bouncing up and down. The tuner came, so I talked to him about it, worried that I might break a string and lose my privilege. (I mean, a key to a building with a Baldwin Grand Piano is a heck of a privilege, in my book.)
The tuner guy tried to console me, advising me that in all his many years in the trade, he had only met three pianists to have ever broken a piano string.
"Well!" I said. "My name's Andy. Now you've met four."
Anyway, get ready, I'll be with you at around 6:30pm PST. My "Kum Ba Yah" should be live by then.
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This one's from last Thursday morning, Halloween in fact.
1. Slept five surprisingly solid hours between midnight and 5 am, was surprised it was already 5 when I first woke.
2. Took a long hot shower before bed. It still blows my mind how I'm able to do that now, without having to interact with multiple other men, many of whom have been suspicious characters. I still remember my friend George getting his Ibanez custom ripped off during the 5 minutes he was taking a shower at Multi Agency Service Center. Thankful those days are gone.
3. Meditation service was nice. It was gentle. Thomas mentioned liking the Prelude. I didn't think I was playing very well, but sometimes that's the best.
4. Did the door last night and got a $20 gift card to use at the cafe. Just used $5.50 of it on a doppio and blueberry muffin. Breakfast at the Courtyard is now obviated, and money saved.
5. The singer-songwriter, Julien Kozak, was also gentle. Very good guitarist and singer, reminiscent of James Taylor. Stopped on his way to Seattle. I am reminded of a gentle period in the 80's when I used to tour different cafes in the Bay Area. Makes me want to do a tour.
6. You know, I have a really good church now. I've been at the same church for over 3 years. This is unusual, in my experience. My church is a gift from God.
7. Got to talk with Danielle first thing in the morning, and we had a great conversation. There were so many spiritual insights, I was taking notes, and just finished writing down a whole bunch of stuff in my journal, lest I forget.
8. Not having heard from her for a while, I just got a substantial email from Lynne that looks very supportive and insightful. I skimmed it by reading the topic sentences of several paragraphs and am eager to see what all she has to say.
9. Had a nice conversation with Vern yesterday — not Vern the bus driver, but Vern the trumpet player. I'm grateful to be living in a town where everybody knows me as Andy, and where, whether it's Vern the bus driver, Vern the trumpet player, or anybody else, Andy is ALL RIGHT.
10. God is Love.
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This was fairly spontaneous. We decided, more-or-less on the spot, to film this, more-or-less rehearsing. Kelsey Chapman and Brady Ross-Minton on vocals (no mikes) — singing the parts of Taura and Winston (respectively) in their song "Turns Toward Dawn" from EDEN IN BABYLON Copyright © 2019 by Andrew Michael Pope, with Andy at the Baldwin Grand.
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You have to sort of not know the song, but it's "The Holly and the Ivy," an old French carol, on which I have taken off. Andy Pope at the Baldwin Grand, October 17, 2019.
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Sun, 13 Oct 2019 8:17:54 PM -0700
From: Andy Pope
To: Heart of the Arts
Subject: An Open Letter to the Community
To Whom It May Concern:
I'm sensing from everybody's non-response that everybody thinks I am making a mistake. If so, everybody is wrong.
Nobody but me is in my head and my body when the peak of unmanageable anxiety strikes. Why should I risk running out of the church screaming after throwing all my messed up attempts at organizing my work onto the floor? True, you guys are tolerant. True, my friend the church secretary was right when she said that very few people would have done what she did afterwards, which was to pick up everything and sort it back together after I threw an apparent tantrum. But nobody but me is inside my head and my body. Nobody but me knows that the "tantrum" is an effect of uncontrollable levels of anxiety that are solely produced by a failed attempt to manage vibrations from multiple human entities while trying to focus on the single task of vocal-directing for musical theatre as I always used to be able to do so prior to the Summer of 2017.
I know what you all are thinking. You're thinking that Opportunity has knocked. You're thinking that here's a way for me to "give back" and make a contribution to the community. Well! I would make a much stronger contribution to the community if I sat here at home and finished the vocal score — which is nearly done, honestly, just a few glitches to correct — until it was in such a condition that somebody of the calibre of [Name Withheld] could interpret and direct it (if he wanted to) and somebody of the caliber of [Name Withheld] could actually play it. And they don't have the problem dealing with the panoroma of discontinuous non-myopic autistic dyslexic blah blah blah that I do. I know everybody else is a nice person and tolerant and a good Christian but if so, why is everybody making me suffer?
It's because nobody understands the autism spectrum, you all think it's a moral problem, and the notion that I personally do not have any God-given desire to interact, other than in a superficial way, with any other human being again -let alone two or three or more — is unfathomable to all you social animals. I'm an Autistic Artist and I Need My Space.
Now about the Summer of 2017. I was already speeding up the tempos before I lost the church job. But I could still VD – I just could. I remember one time taking over a Choir rehearsal and doing it. It was musical theatre style as per high school students as per my experience but the fact was I could do it. I tried the same thing last year, with my own music even, and I could NOT do it. It had to have been what happened throughout the summer of 2017 at the Friendship Apartments. It hasn't happened since then — but it left its mark. PTSD is real. You guys have gotta grasp that I'm not just whining.
I failed to help my ex-wife, I failed to help my daughter, I failed at vocal-directing my own show last Summer, and I will fail at everything I set out to do henceforth if I don't wholeheartedly go about doing the one thing I seem to be doing right, which is write.(Other than a play a piano, and that sure isn't making the O.G. any money. Not in this neck, and not without a car, and I'll be damned if I try to start driving again after 15 years. Can any of you even imagine it? I'd wipe out on the first day.)
To me this is a no-brainer. Now I've been trying to read Mortimer Adler and my reading of even the Prologue was hounded by these thoughts as-yet-unexpressed, so I have expressed them. Hopefully this has not been at the expense of the health of any of the recipients. Anyway this is easy reading and engaging compared to most Philosophy. I think his thought is very important. I wish my daughter would read it — but this is not about my daughter. It's about my musical and the heart failure I will have if I re-enter the exact same stress that I couldn't handle last Summer.
We don't have a Stage Manager. We don't truly have a Vocal Director who can handle this score. We don't have a rehearsal accompanist. All we have is a playwright trying to do five people's jobs. We don't even have but four people committed in the cast! How can I pull this thing off with only Kelsey and the Three Girls? It is not possible. I will just be going through the same junk as last Summer.
I've already talked to Dave and the deal is off. This show will be produced when it's good and ready and not a moment before. I am not Superman.
Yes, scoring a piano-vocal score will take forever. Maybe I can find a piano-playing music student with perfect pitch and send them the recordings. They'll probably need to get paid. And that's another story! But somebody has to sometime give the O.G. a break, I'm sixty-six, I'm retired, I want to write at home and live a quiet life. I didn't write a musical so as to get all wrapped up in its production and have the same kind of nervous breakdown that caused me to become homeless in the first place in 2004. I do not need to become homeless again.
I wrote a musical so I could make a needed statement to America on an important issue using a medium with which I have a wealth of experience. My role should be restricted to an occasional show-up at a production staff meeting and a show-up on Opening Night with a date.
P.S. And this weird idea floating around town that I'm supposed to have a lady friend or some kind of wife or girlfriend has got to be the most preposterous proposal ever propounded. Talk about adding stress to stress! You guys act like I was born yesterday. Really!
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"Cold This Season" Copyright © 2019 by Andrew Michael Pope.
Andy Pope at the Baldwin Grand, October 10, 2019.
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Q. What are you doing here?
A. Getting ready.
Q. For what?
A. For a change in policy.
Q. Why does your policy need to change?
A. Because it's ineffective.
Q. How is it ineffective?
A. Why don't you just ask me what the policy is?
Q. Why should I ask you that?
A. Because you will then be able to determine for yourself why it is ineffective.
Q. Very well, then. What is your current policy?
A. Reckless Abandon.
Q. With respect to what?
A. With respect to Art.
Q. How so?
A. I create continuously. I create without letup or rest. I create like a crazed maniac. But I only create at random. There is no order, nor rhyme nor reason, to the manner in which I create.
Q. Can you provide a specific example?
A. Yes. The talks I gave recently, and the blog post I wrote as to how PTSD relates to the Homeless Experience. This was random. It was not something I intended to do according to a concrete creative plan. It just sort of — happened — when I was moved to do so.
Q. And a second example?
A. The piano album I created, called Abandon. It resulted from a comment someone had made that intrigued me. I took off on that comment, until an entire piano album had been produced.
Q. Is this a bad thing?
A. Not in and of itself, no.
Q. Then why do you need to change the policy?
A. Because these creative endeavors have been keeping me from fully engaging a far more important creative task.
Q Which is?
A. The 4th Draft of my musical Eden in Babylon, and the 2nd draft of its musical score.
Q. Have you been procrastinating?
A. Yes. But I prefer to frame it a bit differently.
Q. How so?
A. It's not so much procrastination as it is preparation.
Q. How can procrastination be preparation?
A. It's like so. When I procrastinate, I engage my creative energies in a way that pleases me. It is not what I have to do. It is what I want to do. In doing so, I practice creating out of desire, not out of obligation. Then, when I cease to procrastinate, the desire to create remains — for I have practiced it.
Q. Do you mean to tell me that when you implement the new change in policy, the Object of your Creative Desire will immediately be changed?
A. Yes. When the clock strikes midnight tonight, the Object of my Artistic Affection will be altered. It will no longer have anything to do with homelessness, or PTSD, or even blogging, for that matter. Nor will it involve my piano playing. It will instead return to what it was before I deviated off onto those artistic tangents.
Q. In other words, at the stroke of midnight, you will immediately reactivate the desire to work on your musical?
A. Not exactly. It's already been activated. I just haven't begun to do it yet.
Q. Why not?
A. Because it isn't time yet. It happens at midnight tonight.
Q. Why?
A. Because it's been scheduled that way.
Q. Why adhere so strictly to the schedule?
A. You want the whole rundown?
Q. Why not?
A. Very well then. To be honest with you, when we suspended operations on the project, I became depressed. I blamed myself for falling short. I remained depressed for eleven days. And I accomplished nothing.
Then I decided to deal with the depression in my typical, lifelong fashion. I would hurl myself full force into various artistic endeavors. But I wouldn't work on the musical, because it was too depressing to think about it.
In the process of working on these less pertinent, less relevant side projects, I became happy again. And now that I am happy, and longer depressed, I will resume working on the musical, and be happy doing so.
Q. So you're trying to tell me that the same project that earlier depressed you will now make you happy?
A. Yes.
Q. Why do I find that hard to believe?
A. Probably because you're either not an Artist, or you don't know me very well, or both.
Q. May I ask a question that might insult you?
A. At your own risk, ask away.
Q. Why do you think you can pull it off?
A. Because my name is Andy Pope. Any further questions?
The Questioner is silent.
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My new piano album Abandon is now available on Bandcamp. The seven movements of the piece are each for sale for $2 or more, and the entire album is on sale for $7 or more.
Abandon is a musical collection of feelings. All music is improvised around classical themes and motives. Original music of my youth is referenced throughout. Also referenced are themes of Edward Elgar, Henry Mancini and Jim Morrison.
Abandon is also available in hard copy CD. The CD's are currently being distributed locally for a suggestion donation of $5 to $20. I will mail CD's to anyone outside of the local area for a $10 to $25 donation. Donations may be made by PayPal on the DONATE link below each page on this site. All proceeds will go toward further funding of our concert reading of my musical Eden in Babylon, to be scheduled for a three-night run at the Kenworthy Theatre at a future date TBD. David Harlan, the Artistic Director of Moscow Art Theatre (Too), will be directing, as well as providing sound and lighting design. I will be the rehearsal accompanist and orchestra director. We are currently seeking a fuller staff, including a competent stage manager (a paid position), and vocal director (also a paid position.) I urge you to support this worthy cause by purchasing my new piano offering, either online or by hard copy CD.
Abandon © 2019 by Andrew Michael Pope.
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That same night with the iPhone, whenever it was, a while back. I'm drifting into a beloved plaintive strain from the musical OLIVER, and then we have "Bubbles Taboo." (Couldn't shake that thing.) All right, enjoy.
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I just found "Found" – this is from my daughter Angela (I call her Echo) — she's kinda brilliant. (Must have got it from her mom.)
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Here I am at the Baldwin Grand, a while back. This one was done on an iPhone, best sound quality yet. Good visuals too, so I'm saving up to get one. Let me know what you think. "I Know Who You Are" & "Bubbles Taboo" from IN LIES WE TRUST Copyright © 2019 by Andrew Michael Pope.
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This is the 5th movement of my recently completed improvisational sonata, Abandon. The concept album consists of approximately forty minutes of completely improvised piano music in a classical and romantic vein. Original songs of a former day are quoted, amid numerous references to Jim Morrison, Edward Elgar and Henry Mancini. Please message me if you are interested in purchasing a hard copy CD or an online piano album on BandCamp.
"Betray" Copyright © 2019 by Andrew Michael Pope. Andy Pope at the Baldwin Grand, August 27th, 2019.
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Q. What are you doin' here?
A. I'm havin' a great time, man!
Q. You're kiddin' me! Really?
A. Really!
Q. What's goin' on?
A. I'm doin' the door for a great jazz duo who just rolled in from San Diego. Guitar & bass, tight harmonies — what a great gig!
Q. You makin' any money?
A. A little bit. Same as I made last night. Flat twenty dollars for me, all proceeds go to the band.
Q. Who was it last night?
A. Some jazz piano guy. He did "Round Midnight" and "Pure Imagination" — among other nice charts.
Q. What about tomorrow night?
A. You got me. I'd have to look it up.
Q. And the night after that?
A. Andy Pope Live. Check it out:
The Questioner is silent.
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Q. What are you doing here?
A. Waiting for you.
Q. What do you want from me?
A. Questions.
Q. Why?
A. Because your questions always lead to interesting answers.
Q. Like what?
A. Like what I should be doing this morning.
Q. What should you be doing this morning?
A. In my opinion, I should be staving off depression by hurling myself full-force into an artistic project.
Q. Why should you do that?
A. Because I've been doing it all my life, and it usually works.
Q. Have you ever considered facing the depression directly, rather than doing something to avert it?
A. Sure I have.
Q. And how does that work for you?
A. It usually only makes me more depressed.
Q. And then what?
A. Then nothing. Stagnation. Inaction. Futility.
Q. But if you stave off the depression through Art?
A. Then everything. Motivation. Action. Meaningfulness.
Q. Why then would anyone ever want to face their depression directly?
A. Probably because they deny it. If one is in denial, things don't work too well.
Q. Are you in denial?
A. If I were, I wouldn't know it now, would I?
Q. I don't know – would you?
A. No, I would not.
Q. But do you feel like you're in denial?
A. Maybe a little bit. Nothing serious, though. Nothing that would land me in jail or in a psychiatric facility.
Q. Where would your level of denial land you?
A. Probably on a piano bench.
Q. What do you mean?
A. When I start to suspect that something is internally amiss, I usually play it out on the piano and see what happens.
Q. What happens then?
A. I channel my feelings.
Q. And this is?
A. Healthy.
Q. Anything else?
A. Not off the top, no. Oh wait a minute – I'm going to be posting a new talk tomorrow. It will still be called "The Perception of Inequality" just like the talk I removed earlier this week. It will just be a lot more thorough, more purposeful, more academic, more informative.
Q. Has working on this new talk helped you to be less depressed?
A. Yes, it has.
Q. But won't all the depression return as soon as you're done with your project?
A. It might. It might not.
Q. What now?
A. Calling my friend Danielle in about ten minutes, as per usual. Waiting for the sky to get light. Lacing up my shoes, going on a run.
Q. And after that?
A. Planning on enjoying the day. God's blessings are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.
The Questioner is silent.
Please donate to Eden in Babylon.
A little bit goes a long, long way.
Another clip from the Beatles show, very early on. Obviously, I'd not yet grasped that I don't need to hit those electronic keys quite as hard as the keys on the Baldwin Grand. (Not that I exactly need to hit the Baldwin keys as hard as I do either. I just like it like that.)
Dave Harlan is the sound man, the guy who helped put the music stand back on the piano after I hit the keys so hard it fell over onto the floor. (He also happens to be the director of Eden in Babylon.) Paul Anders on the Cajon, and one can even detect my pastor Norman in the audience, as well as the very kind woman Marilyn who gave me my Howard upright piano for free. Even covered the piano moving. Lots of nice people in da hood.
Please donate to Eden in Babylon.
A little bit goes a long, long way.
The woman who joins in singing on this one is Kelsey Chapman, who is playing Taura, the leading female role in our production of Eden in Babylon. There's a kind of a subtle fury in this one; I like the way it came out.
Please donate to Eden in Babylon.
A little bit goes a long, long way.


text:
Courrieu tobacco Pipe 055 meerschaum bowl.
Warning: Last items in stock!
Availability date:
This product is no longer in stock
A very rare Courrieu pipe: the bowl is octagonal, meerschaum lined and the stem is square, so there's the design aspect.
On the practical side, the bottom of this pipe is slightly flat so that you can put it down without dropping the ashes.
This pipe has a beautiful natural finish which makes it very attractive!
With Fumerchic the pipe you see is the pipe you receive !
|Length (inch) : :
|5.59 (142mm)
|Height (inch) : :
|1.42 (36mm)
|Width (inch) : :
|1.54 (39mm)
|Chamber Depth (in) :
|1.22 (31mm)
|Inside diameter bowl (inch) : :
|0.75 (19mm)
|Weight (oz) : :
|1.16 (33g)
|Stem : :
|width of bit (inch) : :
|0.59 (15mm)
|Thickness behind the bit (inch) :
|0.17 (4.3mm)
|Filters : :
|Specific informations : :
|This pipe is delivered in its cardboard box and pocket tissue.

subset: commoncrawl


text:
From Next Deep
Discussions about the future of Silicon Valley have resurfaced in the wake of the epidemic, which is affecting more and more people, especially among tech companies. This week's tech reporter and VC partner Kim-Mai Cutter He joins the podcast to discuss whether there will be a pandemic-led change in the work we do Driving mass migration from California and endangering its status as a center of innovation.
Follow the Techdirt Podcast on Soundcloud, Register via iTunes Or Google Play, Or hold RSS Feed. You can also keep track of all the latest episodes Right here on Tequila.
Thanks for reading this textbook post. We truly appreciate that you are giving us so much time in this world that you are competing for everything. We work hard every day to deliver quality content to our community.
Texan is one of the few truly independent media outlets left. We do not have a large corporation behind us, and at a time when advertisers are increasingly interested in sponsoring small independent sites – especially as a report like ours refuses to draw attention to the report, we rely heavily on our community to support us. And analysis.
While other websites use wall-to-wall, subscription requirements, and increasingly disruptive ads, we are always open to technology. But to continue this, We need your support. From direct donations to special subscriptions and great merchandise – and we offer a variety of ways to support our readers with every little help. Thank you.
–Techder team
Filed California, Epidemic, Podcast, Remote work, Silicon Valley


text:
Landsharks News · Football Game v Gray Webcast
Oceanside vs PCA , scores were 25-7 and 25-10 Top players : Kills :Olivia with 7 kills and Reese with 5 Sophie had 15 setting assists. Jordan had 9 digs and Paige had 7 Oceanside vs Stratford . Scores were 25-16,25-17 Top players: Olivia had 7 kills and Taylor had 4 kills Sophie had 18
Sep 10 Girls Varsity Tennis at Philip Summons 4:00 pm | Philip Simmons Sep 10 Junior Varsity Volleyball vs. Palmetto Christian Academy PCA 5:00 pm | Oceanside Collegiate Academy Sep 10 Varsity Volleyball vs. Stratford High School Tri Match 6:00 pm | Oceanside Collegiate Academy Sep 11 Varsity Cross Country at Timberland 5:30 pm |
No Events This Week Events are added by athletic staff.
Oceanside competed against Porter Gaud and Academic Magnet last night. Combined men and women won 6 events, multiple of which were 1-3rd place finishes for the Landsharks. The women also took 1st in all 3 relays of the night! The 200 Medley relay consisting of Kendal Chunn, Chrisman Rand, Caroline Hill & Anna Albert went


text:
Outreach Community Health Centers
Outreach Community Health Centers is located in Milwaukee, Wisconsin - (210 West Capitol Drive 53202). The center can be contacted at 414-727-6320.
Outreach Community Health Centers accepts Cash or Self-Payment, Medicaid Coverage, Medicare, Private Health Insurance, Military Insurance Treatment Coverage, Sliding Fee Scale (Fee Is Based On Income and Other Factors) for the various programs that they offers, including Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy, Relapse Prevention. It provides their services in various environments, including Outpatient Addiction Recovery.
The facility offers all of its services for these care types: Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Services. Finally, the facility has a few special programs for clients, like Continuing Care Planning, Substance Abuse Assessment, Mental Illness Services, Screening for Drug Addiction.
We can help you find the right treatment facility that best fits your overall needs and financial requirements.


text:
Treatment with BOTOX and other botulinum toxin products can result in swallowing or breathing difficulties. Patients with preexisting swallowing or breathing difficulties may be more susceptible to these complications. In most cases, this is a conseq uence of weakening of muscles in the area of injection that are involved in breathing or oropharyngeal muscles that control swallowing or breathing [see Spread Of Toxin Effect].
Intraday Data provided by SIX Financial Information and subject to terms of use. Historical and current end-of-day data provided by SIX Financial Information. All quotes are in local exchange time. Real-time last sale data for U.S. stock quotes reflect trades reported through Nasdaq only. Intraday data delayed at least 15 minutes or per exchange requirements.
Bronchitis was reported more frequently as an adverse reaction in patients treated for upper limb spas ticity with BOTOX (3% at 251 Units-360 Units total dose), compared to placebo (1%). In patients with reduced lung function treated for upper limb spasticity, up per respiratory tract infections were also reported more frequently as adverse reactions in pati ents treated with BOTOX (11% at 360 Units total dose; 8% at 240 Units total dose) compared to placebo (6%). In adult patients treated for lower limb spasticity, upper respiratory tract infections were reported more frequently as an adverse event in patients treated with BOTOX (2% at 300 Units to 400 Units total dose) compared to placebo (1%).
Drug interactions may change how your medications work or increase your risk for serious side effects. This document does not contain all possible drug interactions. Keep a list of all the products you use (including prescription/nonprescription drugs and herbal products) and share it with your doctor and pharmacist. Do not start, stop, or change the dosage of any medicines without your doctor's approval.
In the case of Botox, doctors who experiment off-label say they do so because they're looking for better treatment options for their patients. "In my 30 years of medical practice, Botox is one of the most impactful treatments I had ever seen," says Dr. Linda Brubaker, dean and chief diversity officer of the Loyola University Chicago Stritch School of Medicine, who independently studied Botox for overactive bladder before the FDA approved it for that condition in 2013.
After an exam by a therapist and doctor, botulinum toxin for focal relief of muscle spasticity can be advised as the best way to address a child's functional problems. The problem muscle groups are identified, and goals for that child are discussed. Then the injection of botulinum toxin can be done if there are no permanent contractures of the muscle groups.
Unremarkable. I mean, that's a good thing in the MRI-reading world, but I'd like to say my brain is freakin' remarkable sometimes. Maybe I'm biased. Anyways. Shortly after those tests, the Botox arrived at the office and I was scheduled for my injections. To say I was scared is putting it lightly. Like I mentioned before, I have a complete irrational fear of new medication. Also, I didn't want my face to look different! So I documented my wrinkles just to see how many would last (if you want, be my guest to check out my embarrassing video). I didn't have to wait long and before I knew it, I was in a room with my mom, my boyfriend, a neurologist and three needles.
Camera, Video & SurveillanceAction Cameras & Drones,Camcorders,Dash...3453 Car Electronics & GPSCar Audio,Car Mounts & Accessories,Car S...1753 Cell Phones & AccessoriesBackup Batteries,Bluetooth Devices,Cable...12489 Computers & TabletsComputer Accessories,Desktops, Monitors...5462 Musical InstrumentsAccessories,Amplifiers & Effects,Brass &...1864 Office Electronics & SuppliesNetworking,Printers & Scanners,Scanners...2191 Portable AudioBluetooth & Wireless Speakers,Docks, Rad...3199 Smart HomeCameras & Surveillance,Door Locks,Garage...104
BOTOX injections for migraines is a preventative treatment, rather than treating the condition with pain medication. It was FDA-approved in 2010 and is considered an appropriate treatment for adults who experience migraine headaches more than 15 days per month, for more than three months. The product blocks the release of certain brain chemicals, and it is believed that blocking these chemicals limits the nerve signals causing pain.
Last time I went in for my Botox treatment, my doctor asked me if I wanted to try Aimovig. Amgen and Novartis, the two manufacturers, were offering two free injections before I could access the drug through my health insurance. I declined. I didn't want to start a new treatment that I'll likely be booted from in a few months because of how expensive it is. Plus, the Botox is working great. I just wish I could have gotten it when I first went to see a migraine specialist, two and half years ago.
ONABOTULINUMTOXINA is a neuro-muscular blocker. This medicine is used to treat crossed eyes, eyelid spasms, severe neck muscle spasms, ankle and toe muscle spasms, and elbow, wrist, and finger muscle spasms. It is also used to treat excessive underarm sweating, to prevent chronic migraine headaches, and to treat loss of bladder control due to neurologic conditions such as multiple sclerosis or spinal cord injury. The lowest GoodRx price for the most common version of Botox is around $602.89, 19% off the average retail price of $747.02. Compare acetylcholine release inhibitors.
Receiving Botox injections for migraines is a straightforward outpatient procedure. The skin in the area to be injected is cleaned. Most injections are administered in the forehead area, usually above the eyes or where "worry lines" might occur. Because this area may be sensitive or patients may be experiencing hypersensitivity to pain, a topical anesthetic may be applied before the injection.
Tell your doctor if you have received any other botulinum toxin product in the last 4 months; have received injections of botulinum toxin such as Myobloc®, Dysport®, or Xeomin® in the past (tell your doctor exactly which product you received); have recently received an antibiotic by injection; take muscle relaxants; take an allergy or cold medicine; take a sleep medicine; take aspirin-like products or blood thinners.


text:
Musical Postcards APK_v3.0.0_allfreeapk.com.apk(5MB)
If the download doesn't start , click here
You are lead to download Musical Postcards 3.0.0 apk file for android 2.3 and up. Download more than 30.000 copies of the application and the consent of more than 95% users, is not accidental.
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When you finished the downloading of apk file for Musical Postcards, move the apk file com.neno.payamneshan to you Android mobile SD card and use file manager to browse,install it, such as AIO Downloader.
Download apk obb data file for Musical Postcards:
The OBB Files are APK Expansion Files or Game Data Files which are required by some games or apps.
If you could not play the Musical Postcards normally after installing it by the APK file only, you may need to download and install the obb data file for the game:
There is a newer version of Musical Postcards available. Get the latest apk file now:
- Musical Postcards 2.7.0 APK (android 2.3 and up)
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text:
Environmental Law Lawyers | Serving Lynbrook, NY
Jordan & LeVerrier, P.C. helps clients in the Lynbrook area with their New York Environmental needs.
Free Consultation
Environmental Law Lawyers | Serving Lynbrook, NY
Jordan & LeVerrier, P.C. helps clients in the Lynbrook area with their New York Environmental needs.
Free Consultation
Lead Counsel independently verifies Environmental Law attorneys in Lynbrook by conferring with New York bar associations and conducting annual reviews to confirm that an attorney practices in their advertised practice areas and possesses a valid bar license for the appropriate jurisdictions.
There are federal and state laws in place to protect the environment, natural resources and wildlife. If you or your company has questions about complying with these laws, an experienced Lynbrook environmental law attorney will be able to help you.
Often times, a person won't know they are in violation of an environmental protection law, but with urban planning regulations, water and air rights and pollution issues, it is easy to be in violation of some sort of environmental law without even knowing it.
Whether the issue be the amount of emissions permitted in a certain location or the storage and disposal of chemicals, the fines and potential criminal ramifications can be huge. An environmental law lawyer can help you or business recognize which laws are applicable to your situation as well as comply with existing laws. They will also be able to create policies that will limit any potential liabilities.
No matter what your legal issue may be, it is always best to seek legal help early in the process. An attorney can help secure what is likely to be the best possible outcome for your situation and avoid both unnecessary complications or errors.
Prepare for your consultation by writing down notes of your understanding of the case, jot down questions and concerns for the attorney, and gather your documents. Remember that you are trying to get a sense of whether the attorney has your trust and can help you address your legal issues. Questions should include how the attorney intends to resolve your issue, how many years he/she has been practicing law and specifically practicing in your area, as well as how many cases similar to yours the attorney has handled. It can also be helpful to broach the subject of fees so that you understand the likely cost and structure of your representation by a specific attorney and/or legal team.
The more experienced a lawyer is in legal practice, the more likely he/she will be able to bring about a successful resolution to your issue. Since experience matters, lawyers who've been practicing law for many years (with a successful track record) tend to be in high demand. You should look for information about a lawyer's experience and ask questions during the initial meeting. It's a very good idea to ask the lawyer how many years he/she has been practicing law and the expected outcome of your case.
Pro se – This Latin term refers to representing yourself in court instead of hiring professional legal counsel. Pro se representation can occur in either criminal or civil cases.
Statute – Refers to a law created by a legislative body. For example, the laws enacted by Congress are statutes.
Subject matter jurisdiction – Requirement that a particular court have authority to hear the claim based on the specific type of issue brought to the court. For example, the U.S. Bankruptcy Court only has subject matter jurisdiction over bankruptcy filings, therefore it does not have the authority to render binding judgment over other types of cases, such as divorce.


text:
Sharpie Fine Point Marker
Product codes
EANs: 0071641301627, 0071641301627
Price tracker:
- Lowest recorded price: $0.08 on 3 Mar 2018
- Highest recorded price: $23.00 on 3 Mar 2018
Today's best price of $1.49 is not the cheapest - we have seen it sold for $1.41 less than that on 3 Mar 2018 (could have been a used or refurbished item, especially if it's electronics). Click here to see prices from other sellers.
Manufactured by:
Model name/no.:
Other known names for this product:
- Sharpie Fine Point Black Permanent Marker | 30162PP
- Sanford White
- Sharpie Fine Point Permanent Marker 30162Pp
- Sharpie 30162PP Permanent Markers, Fine Point, Black, 2 Count, Pack of 10
All prices found for UPC 071641301627
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Pack price: $9.09Unit price: $1.52
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text:
How can I prevent users from changing their passwords? I still want to be able to change the passwords as root if necessary but keep the user from changing their password.
This question may be useful – jackcogdill Feb 6 '13 at 0:55
Chmod the passwd command so that only you can execute it – Mawg says reinstate Monica Feb 6 '13 at 1:24
Why would you want to lower user security? – mdpc Feb 6 '13 at 2:40
@mdpc I don't. I plan on changing the password periodically, but I need it to be changed by me because it is a shared account and I don't want someone to change the password without the other people who have access being notified. – Vreality Feb 10 '13 at 1:17
chmod go-rx /usr/bin/passwd Normal users can then not run passwd. If you want some users to be able to, you can put them in a special group perhaps.
Would this still work?
cp /usr/bin/passwd . ; chmod +x ./passwd ; ./passwd– f.ardelian Jul 16 '13 at 16:00
firstname.lastname@example.com The thing is,
passwdhas some special magic called "setuid" on it - that means that when someone runs the file, they're running it as its owner (namely, root.) This allows normal users to change the
/etc/shadowfile containing the passwords. If you were to copy the file to a user's home directory, it would no longer be setuid, and therefore no longer be automatically run with root priviledges. To learn more, look up information about "Unix permissions" and "setuid". – JamesTheAwesomeDude Dec 7 '13 at 22:03
1@JamesTheAwesomeDude Thanks, that was very informative! – f.ardelian Dec 8 '13 at 4:53
passwd -n 9999 user will prevent
user from changing his password for almost 274 years.
If you want to have passwordless
user, which is unable to change his password, open
/etc/shadow as root, find the line which begins with the name of the user, and change the content between first and second colon to
(source: https://help.ubuntu.com/community/PasswordlessGuestAccount)


text:
Sowbhagya 3 Lit ALU Pressure Cooker
by Sowbhagya
Aluminium Pressure Cooker. Make your cooking experience even more special with this Sowbaghya pressure cooker in gas stove. This cooker is a must have addition to your cooker collection. This brings to you a classic range of cookers from the house of Sowbaghya. The high quality cooker made of aluminium is sure to suit your preference. Made of Superior Aluminium,easy to use,durable quality material, this cooker is rated to last for a long time even with regular use.


text: The "Sudpfanne" is a quaint inn in the heart of Reutlingen. The wide choice of food and drinks guarantees something to suit every taste. Alternating beer promotions, succulent steaks, fresh salads and delicious, Swabian specialities have long since established themselves on the menu. And there's lots more besides with the alternating daily lunchtime menus!