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....if different pumps, even of identical model and brand, deliver slightly different amounts of insulin when set at the same rates?
I'm not thinking differences in the range of entire units, but maybe 0.01-0.02 unit differences in delivery when set at the same rates, due to minute differences in the mechanics.
The reason I even ask this question is that when I changed my infusion set first thing Monday morning this week, I also switched to the pump replacing my old, cracked one, and ever since I've had way more hypos than usual. Actually to the point where there are almost as many readings below 4.0 mmol/l as there are between 4.0 mmol/l (72 mg/dl) and 8.5 mmol/l (154 mg/dl) (my desired range). I've only had one high reading Tuesday morning after overtreating a pre-bed hypo in fear of more hypos after a day with no less than 10 readings of 2.1-3.3 mmol/l (38-60 mg/dl)!
I'd entered all my settings with my old pump in one hand and the new one in the other, reviewing them all multiple times to be sure that there were no discrepancies. The significant number of lows could of course be caused by something else and in this sense be totally coincidental, but I do find it strange that it's been like this since Monday. I'll await how the numbers behave after my next site change before I start tweaking basal rates and ins:carb-ratios. Until then I'm wondering about pumps, precision and performance - as well as how I avoid the next hypo :-)


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Column: Civil War nurse living on Okabena's shore was popular early-day figure
Editor's note: Former longtime Daily Globe Editor Ray Crippen died Dec. 27, 2015. We will continue to publish previously run "Isn't That Something" columns on Saturdays, until further notice, as a tribute to Crippen and his knowledge of local and regional history. The following column first appeared June 3, 2006.
WORTHINGTON — Clara Barton, the woman who started the American Red Cross, was a Civil War nurse. Louisa May Alcott, author of "Little Women," was a Civil War nurse. Walt Whitman.
There were not a lot of them. Civil War nurses had no medical training. Like Walt, they talked with wounded soldiers, went on errands for them, sat with them as they died, held a hand while limbs were amputated, wrote letters for them. Thousands of the Union Army soldiers could not read or write.
During Memorial Day weekend, one couple discovered that grave in Worthington Cemetery: Eloise Brant, Civil War Nurse. "Oh, yes," I said. She is one of them.
Eloise Nicholson was a widow. She had one son. Sometime after the war, Eloise married a retired career soldier, George Brant. She was 40 years old and it is thought her groom was older when, in 1872, they rode into the Worthington settlement, side by side, on horseback. This was not the style of the pioneers. Most came by covered wagon, or by train. Most intended to homestead, or to establish a business. George and Eloise came only for a quiet life in retirement.
I think the full story of the Brants might wait for some patriotic holiday. One thing interesting: although they could have laid claim to a half-section of land under the Homestead Act, they chose only a small tract on the west shore of Lake Okabena, somewhere near the present-day home of the Daily Globe's publisher, Dennis Hall. Near Pat and Bob Ludlow. The site is exactly opposite the town, as far as you can get from Worthington and still be on the lake. After you passed the Brants' home, you were on your way back.
As Worthington focuses on Lake Okabena once again for biking and hiking and picnicking and splashing and boating and windsurfing, it seems rewarding to recall the pioneer couple making a lakeshore home on the west bank.
George and Eloise lived into a time when there was a steamboat on the lake. Perhaps often in summer — but surely one time, at least — they traveled to Worthington and home once again by boat. Otherwise, there was little alternative but to ride their horses to market. It would have been a rough ride with a buggy or a buckboard.
The horseback ride to Worthington would surely have been a half-hour trip. The grade on the west shore was not developed until Worthington was more than a half-century old. The Brants would have had to ride the full lake shore.
Did they swim? Through those many years before there was indoor plumbing, you could guess they might indeed have dipped in the water. The Brants' beach is not one of Okabena's great beaches. The lake bottom there is rocky. George might have recognized it is like the beach at Chautauqua Park. In the earliest years, Chautauqua Park was known as Lake Park. Civil War veterans had several encampments at Lake Park and neither of the Brants would miss those. They were proud Union Army veterans.
The first lake road, or trail, snaked along the north shore, the Minnesota West shore. The county road from the north (Fox Farm Road) comes out at the lake's northwest corner and then follows the shoreline. The Brants might have picked up this trail a half-mile north of their home.
George died in 1901, Eloise in 1916. Through all their years, they never knew a time when there was traffic, or even a place for traffic. Many would envy the Brants' life in isolation beside a placid lake.
It is only guessed they kept a garden — there was little other way for them to have potatoes or onions or green beans or carrots. They grew at least some of their own fruit, and this became the undoing of George Brant. He was picking apples when he fell from a ladder and broke his left leg, which bore a wound from the war that never healed. He did not survive his injury.
Eloise lived on in her lakeside home. The old veterans called her Mother Brant and Grandma Brant. Civil War nurse. In the fall they rode out to make her house secure for winter, and in the spring they made the trip to ready her house for summer.

subset: commoncrawl


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Remember the Two Giants we selected to protect the ARMY of DRUNKS, well they somehow convinced everyone that they will only taste the BRANDS which they haven't seen before. And then they convinced everyone that they will only TASTE ALL Permutations and Combinations of those Brands.
And you know what happens when you make a mixture of multi-filtered Alcohols.
The bits and Pieces which were more like flashes are as follows.
When I woke up I found three Unknown Guests sleeping over me. I pushed these half dead aside only to realize I could not move my legs and it was all wet. At first I thought I probably fell down from the terrace and my legs are broken and then I saw two more people on my legs. I moved them and my Legs were all ok. I thanked God for such a miracle that after falling down from four floors No bones were broken only some blood might be there.
But there was no pain and when I saw those stains in some light I realize it was not BLOOD…Those bloody UNKNOWN GUESTS. I was still on terrace with few people still partying.
I woke up again and this time I was on stairs. There was this other guy sleeping on the stairs, and few maggu people walking on the corridor with books. I asked them for washroom and they pointed at the end of corridor. I started walking towards the end of the corridor and opened the gates and searched for Toilet but could not find any.
Rather there were people sleeping in the washroom with beds and Computer and books. H-4 really is strange. Even Toilets have computers and beds …oh wait …!
I started walking again and this time I was at right place and started doing what is done best in the Toilet.
I woke up again and I was still doing what is done best in the Toilet. Then I heard a friendly voice and next thing I noticed, I was walking on the road with those Two Friendly People (I still do not know who were those). Another Flash and I was in front of my room telling them where are the keys.
Another Flash and It was Bright Sunshine…


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Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
CTA Liaison - Jackie Clark
Position: CTA Regional UniServ Staff
Total Years In Education: 33 years as an educator; 3+ years as CTA staff
English teacher for grades 7,8,9…ELD, GATE, Fundamental and Regular English (Glendale)
Counselor - grades 7,8,9 (Glendale)
Administrator – Dean, AP at high school level: Hoover HS in Glendale; WCHS and Indio High School (Indio); AP at middle school (John Glenn IB MYP School)
Higher Education: Graduate University of Southern California (BA English; Secondary Credential
MA in Curriculum and Instruction and PPS Credential from Point Loma College (Pasadena)
Role / Responsibilities : My role and responsibilities are to provide training, guidance and support to TAWC. I assist the union with organization and negotiations, and I represent teachers in arbitrations and provide for legal services when necessary. I am the conduit for the association to CTA and ensure that the local functions as stated in its governance documents.
Personal Statement for TAWC Involvement: I am deeply committed to the Teachers Association of West Covina. I am here to develop and train members and leaders, to encourage more involvement and to help all members gain strength, confidence and parity in their dealings with the District. Go TAWC!
Contact Email: firstname.lastname@example.com
California State Council Representitive -
Victoria Gibson
Position: Special Education Teacher


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Vistaprint is the top online provider of marketing products and services for small businesses worldwide, Vistaprint makes it its mission to provide high-quality, customized marketing products at an affordable price. When the company began in 1994, businesses were forced to buy products in bulk at expensive rates or do their own printing themselves. Vistaprint was designed to allow even the smallest of businesses to create and purchase affordable and professional marketing materials for less. Fifteen years later, the company still has the same mission today.
One of the hallmarks of Vistaprints business plan is its penchant for offering discounts and Indeed, it seems as though there is always a markdown or a coupon available to this companys customers. Free shipping is frequently provided as well.
Therefore, if you conduct a search on a major Internet search engine, youre bound to find plenty of websites that distribute Vistaprint coupons. Keep in mind that many of these coupons will have expiration dates; thus, its best to do these searches on a semi-regular basis. Also remember that you can set up a Google Alert so that this program will notify you when new Vistaprint coupons become available.
Plus, you can sign up for the official Vistaprint mailing list. After you do so, you will receive -- perhaps even be inundated by -- the company's emails, many of which will include links leading you to exclusive sales and deals.
First, Vistaprints offerings are diverse. Through its website, you can order banners, invitations, and business cards, among a wide range of other items. Additionally, all of these products are customizable: You can upload your own designs and photographs so that they are incorporated in promotional materials.
Once you have created a design, you can preview the way it would look on a variety of products. You might like the way that it appears on, say, a coffee mug, but you might discover that it just doesn't seem right on a shirt. Thus, you can tinker with it until you feel that it works well across the spectrum. Alternately, for an extra charge, you can purchase a premium design from the company.
Moreover, all of the tools on Vistaprint are easy to use and intuitive, and the design process itself is simple and streamlined. Therefore, there are no complex sets of directions to read and follow. Instead, even a beginner can go to the website and get to work right away.
This website will save all of the work that you do. That way, if you want to return to Vistaprint at some point to order more business cards, for instance, you dont have to upload your design again. Rather, the business card template that you have already set up will be there waiting for you.


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1302 NW 4TH, ANKENY, IA 50023 US Ankeny Home
1302 NW 4TH, ANKENY, Iowa
Property Details
Listing Information
- Bedrooms: 3
- Baths: 2
- Partial Baths: 0
- Lot Size: 0.244
More Information
Property Description
Immaculate home! Very open floor plan with over 2,200+ finished sq.ft. 3 bedroom 2 baths . Updated kitchen newer stainless steel appliances, breakfast bar overlooking dining room & living room, sunken great room with gas stone fireplace & walk-out to large deck. Finished lower level with over 900+ sq ft including family room over sized laundry room with sink & cabinets, kitchen, office or exercise room with double closets. Lower level could be separate living area. Recently updated to vinyl siding, several windows and doors and main level bathroom. Attached 2 car garage with epoxy floor. Located across from city park walking distance to school.
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Property information deemed reliable but not guaranteed and should be verified.
Total Access grants you the ability to download reports, disclosures, virtual tours, home database information, and much more! Registration is easy. Sign up today and your confirmation will be sent directly to your inbox!


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If you are new to Lucene, like me, and you are struggling to find documentation, or, better, you're finding too much documentation… this is what I did to find out what this is about…
1.- Read this.
2.- Do this example. I have mavenized the project.
3.- Read this.
4.- Create your first project searching files from a local directory with the classic IndexFiles and SearchFiles classes from Lucene, as advised in the previous point reading.
5.- Create your first project searching text from a local database tables content. You may want to read this before.
6.- Address any possible performance issues.
7.- Put Luke in your Lucene-life. This tool will let you query in your indexes a very friendly manner, among other things.
8.- To present results almost real time in an impressive fashion, give this a read.
As any other framework, though, as much as you work with it, more confident you will feel. I am just a beginner, so I suppose that this will be only useful for you if you're starting too. Feel free to point out the next steps that I (or others to whom this post is useful) should be doing (resources, etc…) if you are an expert.


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People participate in a free infant-care training course using model babies in Haikou, China.
People participate in a free infant-care training course using model babies in Haikou, China.
An aerial view shows participants wearing blue and red coats forming an image depicting a human lung, during an Guinness World Record attempt of the largest human image of an organ, on a hazy day in Beijing. Over 1,500 people joined the successful attempt which was organized by a local health research center hoping to improve awareness of lung health.
An aerial view shows rice plants in the shape of Mickey Mouse on a paddy field to celebrate the Shanghai Disney Resort which will be opened in 2016, in Shanghai, China. The Chinese characters on the bottom read, "Welcome Disney Resort's Opening".
A picture of smiling face made of rice plants is seen at a paddy field in Xianju county, Zhejiang province, China. According to the local media, the rice plants were cultivated to create a smiling face when viewed from the top, and is a tourist attraction in the area.
No skipping the queue: The six police dogs wait patiently in an orderly line to receive their food. The picture is believed to have been taken in a police dog academy in China.


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AMA District 37 @ LACR
AMA District 37
Sunday, July 30, 2017
LACR, Palmdale, CA
ATTENTION! Your web browser is either very old or portions of MotorsportReg.com are being blocked. As a result, some things on this and other sites may be out of place or look broken. Before you try and register for events, learn how to correct it.


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'I would have loved this book as a child'.
Based on my original storybook The Fairytale Princess, intricate fairytale images, cut out from the pages of classic fables, are now brought to life in three dimensions, in this beautiful paper theatre.
Everything a child needs to reenact the well-loved story of Sleeping Beauty is provided, including interchangeable scenery and delightful moveable versions of the characters.
Inside the ingeniously designed pop-up theatre stage between the two covers is a jewel box of moveable pieces: scenery sheets set the stage; characters add the story; and colorful props provide the finishing touch. The book contains a pocket to hold the pieces when they're not in use, and an enclosed booklet contains instructions on how to stage your own performances of Sleeping Beauty for family and friends, including a script. The Sleeping Beauty Theatre will be coveted by children and adults alike who love to make believe.
'I'm delighted that Thames and Hudson have seen further potential in the illustrations I created for The Fairy-tale Princess, and have worked hard to publish this book, following on from The Fairy-tale Princess's success'.


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Here's the Problem: I'm** possibly starting to maybe see someone casually who works in the movie industry which means his access to swag is pretty good. Now, I always say, "I'll do anything for my friends" and another one of my favorite sayings is "I'll try anything twice!" But having sex with someone just so a friend can get a free DVD and save $20…I don't know I just don't think I'm ready to take that plunge.
Actual Problem: If it makes me a prostitute I'd do it (but only like a high class one like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman". I love that movie and I would totally be a guy's escort if he put me up at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, bought me jewelry and hired the hotel concierge (Hector Elizondo) to teach me how to be a classy lady). I'm just hoping it's not going to be a big mistake. Huge.
Actual Problem (and advice from the HTP girls): Buy your friend the fucking DVD. Maybe you can find a coupon for your dignity.
**Henceforth all mentions of the first person refer to to the writer – the anonymous guest writer. Not Lisa or Kara. Get it?
If you have a problem that needs sharing (or maybe some solving) send it! No refunds on any bad advice. xoxo


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The University of Iowa High Performance Computing group is a collaborative initiative currently led by Information Technology Services - Research Services.
Research Services works with various campus groups to support high-performance and high-throughput computing resources on the UI campus. Groups are encouraged to join this collaboration either by purchasing nodes in existing or future systems or by participating in the community. You can learn more about the research community on our community page.


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Wednesday, June 20, 2012
When comfort beats out style
Tunic: (old) Elle for Kohls / Jeggings: Hue via Carson Pirie Scott / Shoes: American Eagle (same in different color)
So I guess I'm not FULLY over the sickness. Am I the only one that feels a lot of pressure to have super cute outfits every day because you know you are going to be posting them later? With my fatigue and now working full days again, this week has been waaaay more comfort then style. I'm doing my best but something tells me when I look back at this weeks outfits in the future it will be more 'ew' then 'aw'.
Ah well. I enjoy doing this too much to not post! This outfit feels almost like a bit of a lie however, I wore it all day but spent most of it covered up with an oversize sweatshirt as the a/c was flipping freezing in my office. So really, imagine this with a huge hooded pink sweatshirt. There. Now you have my real daily outfit!
xo, Kathryn Laine.
Labels: daily outfit, flats, jegging, tunic
1 comment:
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50 Actual Newspaper Headlines
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12 Best Things To Say If You're Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
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Your Daily Moment of Zen
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50 More Ways To Confuse Your Roommate
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Car Stickers
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Actual Label Instructions on Consumer Goods
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Managers Speak
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
8:41 PM | | 0 Comments
Teaching Maths Through the Decades
8:41 PM | | 0 Comments
Philosophical Warning Labels
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32 Steps Toward Personal Growth and Fulfillment
8:39 PM | | 0 Comments
A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"
* * *
A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
* * *
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait, someone else is using it."
* * *
A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000.
"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.
"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.
"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.
"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"
"If you didn't use - that's your problem!"
* * *
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
* * *
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
* * *
A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
* * *
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
* * *
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
* * *
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the elevator?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
* * *
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!
* * *
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players up here".
"Yes", snickered the Devil, "but I have all the referees."
* * *
A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.
After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.
Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about this."
A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer - only nowhe's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!"
* * *
What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you know he's a liar because his ball is in your pocket?
* * *
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
* * *
A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh, man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years ! "
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !"
* * *
Rich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise-lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far.
"J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked.
"Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."
* * *
Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father.
"Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."
Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read.
* * *
A woman playing golf was stung by a bee. Afraid she'd have an allergic reaction, she ran back to the clubhouse to find the pro. Finding him, she says breathlessly, "I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?" "Where were you stung?" the pro asks. "Between the first and second hole!" "Lady, we gotta work on your stance."
* * *
Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued. First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
* * *
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
* * *
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "I didn't know Mary worked here."
* * *
A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
* * *
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."
* * *
A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE.
* * *
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
* * *
A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
* * *
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
* * *
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
* * *
One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what." Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please." The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what." Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face. Pointing to it he said, "what's that?" "What's what?" the whore replied. "Good, I'll take a dollar's worth."
* * *
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
* * *
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."
* * *
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"
* * *
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
* * *
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her sleeping someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She sat on the bed and spread open her legs. She got the voodoo dick out and laid it on the bed right in front of her, and said just as her husband has told her: "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" . The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
* * *
A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
* * *
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."
* * *
One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep. She came back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said those are "the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and he said "ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She said, "When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"
* * *
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
* * *
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
* * *
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers... our son in-law!"
* * *
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit 9 Iron" He looks at the frog, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit Lucky frog" The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood" The guy takes out a 3 wood, and boom! Hole in one. The man is amazed and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man had golfed the best game of golf in his life. Then he asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Las Vegas" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette" Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6" Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me" He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 17-year-old girl. "And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
* * *
A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
* * *
One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
* * *
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.
* * *
Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
* * *
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"
* * *
There once was a man who lost his arms in a car accident. One day he won a million dollar lottery. After a moment of thought, he rushed to the hospital and asked their top surgeon whether he could get his arms back for a million dollars. "Wow," the doctor replied, "I just invented a completely voice activated mechanical arm, but I can only give you one though." So he showed him some of the stuff the arm could do and the man was amazed and bought the arm. The next day he went to the pub with his friends to show off his new advanced arm. As they sat together he told the arm to pick up his pint of beer and give him a sip. The arm did it perfectly and the friends were amazed. After a few pints the man went for a piss. He told the arm to take his penis out and away he pissed. Then he tells the arm to, "give it a little shake". The arm does and the man seemed to over-enjoy it, and so he looks around to make sure no one is looking and tells the arm to give it another little shake. He gets a boner and once again turns around to make sure nobody's watching and then tells the arm, "jerk it off!" The arm pulls off his penis and the man screams out, in pain, "Fuck Me!" So the arm then shoves his penis up his ass. The man even more shocked at this stage shouts out, "Holy shit, would you look at that." The arm pulls his penis out of his ass and shoves it right into one of his eyeballs!
* * *
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
8:37 PM | | 0 Comments
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
* * *
The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."
* * *
"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
* * *
Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
Girl: "My homework."
* * *
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother: "What did you learn today?"
Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
* * *
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
* * *
Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
Boy: "Somebody else's pants."
* * *
Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Johnny: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark."
Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"
* * *
Teacher: "Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
Boy: "None."
Teacher: "None? You don't know your arithmetic!"
Boy: "Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
* * *
Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?"
Boy: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?"
Boy: "I've already got one rabbit at home now!"
* * *
Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
* * *
Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"
"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
* * *
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."
* * *
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
* * *
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."
* * *
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
Robert: "The artwork."
Teacher: "Very good. And you, Peter?"
Peter: "Her tits!"
Teacher: "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall! And you, Johnny?"
Johnny: "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
* * *
Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!"
Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?"
Boy: "No."
Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter."
Boy: "And do you know who I am?"
Girl: "No,"
Boy: "Thank goodness!"
* * *
Teacher: "Why are you late?"
Boy: "Because of a sign down the road."
Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your being late?"
Boy: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'"
* * *
Teacher: "You missed school yesterday, didn't you?"
Boy: "Not a bit!"
* * *
Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?"
Boy: "D, o, g, enter."
* * *
Boy: "I've just had the most awful time. First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
Friend: "Wow! How did you pull through?"
Boy: "I don't know. Toughest spelling test I ever had!"
* * *
A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
* * *
The English teacher's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."
* * *
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."
* * *
The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".
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These are the articles the top NBA reporters have been sharing on Twitter the last 24 hours. Enjoy!
Lowe's 10 things: Let's get the All-Star draft right – via espn.com
December 21 09:58 AM
Zach Lowe highlights another young Chicago Bull, a masterful Dwyane Wade move, Andrew Wiggins and the winning-ugly Timberwolves, struggling lottery picks, and more.
Five observations from the Warriors' 97-84 win over the… – via theathletic.com
December 21 10:29 AM
Here are five observations from the Warriors' 97-84 win over the Grizzlies at Oracle Arena on…
Beloved broadcaster Enberg dies at age 82 – via espn.com
December 22 02:13 AM
Dick Enberg, the Hall of Fame broadcaster known for his "Oh my" calls, has died at the age of 82, his family confirmed Thursday night.
Klay Thompson reveals who from the East he'd like on his All-Star team – via mercurynews.com
December 21 05:53 PM
Want Warriors news in your inbox? Sign up for the free DubsDaily newsletter. OAKLAND – Klay Thompson hopes a certain someone from the Eastern Conference will be his All-Star team. "I th…
Cavaliers outlast Bulls 115-112, Warriors next – via cleveland.com
December 21 09:27 PM
LeBron James scored 34 points and added nine assists in the Cavs' win
Mike Conley gives Christmas surprise to Grizzlies fan after emotional video – via cbssports.com
December 21 09:54 PM
The Memphis guard got in the holiday spirit and made one fan's day
Steve Kerr called a team meeting after losing Stephen Curry – via mercurynews.com
December 21 05:25 PM
Want Warriors news in your inbox? Sign up for the free DubsDaily newsletter. OAKLAND – The Warriors have won a season-high 10 games in a row despite being so short-handed. The main reason? Th…
Isaiah Thomas will not play against the Golden State Warriors on Christmas – via cleveland.com
December 21 05:38 PM
CLEVELAND — Isaiah Thomas won't play on Christmas against the Golden State Warriors, Cavaliers coach Tyronn Lue said Thursday. Thomas, a two-time All-Star, has yet to play for the Cavs this season because of right hip injuries suffered last season…
Steve Kerr expects Draymond Green to play Friday – via mercurynews.com
December 21 04:07 PM
Draymond Green, who has missed the team's last four games because of right shoulder soreness, participated in scrimmages at Thursday's practice.
Behind an unlikely duo, the Bulls are hitting their stride – via theathletic.com
December 18 07:37 PM
Bobby Portis scrunched his face into a scowl, flexed his arms as they dangled alongside his body and…
Sources: Cavs assign Isaiah Thomas to G League affiliate to prepare for return – via sports.yahoo.com
December 21 10:48 AM
Isaiah Thomas is working toward his debut with the Cavs. Cleveland Cavaliers All-Star guard Isaiah Thomas has taken another step in his comeback and was assigned to the team's G League affiliate in Canton on Thursday, league sources told Yahoo Sports. The move provides Thomas with his first opportunity


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I went foraging in downtown Asheville, right smack dab in the middle of the city. Normally, urban foraging isn't my favorite way to gather edible weeds and fruit because of the traffic and residual pollution, but Asheville is lucky enough to have an edible garden, the George Washington Carver Edible Park.
The park is connected to the Stephens-Lee recreational center, and you follow a small, meandering path down past apple trees, pear trees, walnuts, chestnuts, and fig trees. I could see evidence of earlier spring and summer plants now past their season: many kinds of berry brambles were wild in the undergrowth!
This was my first time visiting the park, and when next I return, I plan on bringing some pruners and a rake. The garden needs a bit of love. The kudzu and poke is taking over, threatening even the bright and beautiful walls of muscadine grapes! I'd hate for someone unfamiliar with foraging to see the shiny red-purple-black poke berries and mistake them for something safe to eat!
The grapes are taking over the fence at the basketball courts, all the way up the very tall chain link fence. The spot is in full sun in afternoon, and those grapes are quite happy! Most of the ripe bunches were hidden in the shade behind the large leaves, so it looked like it was bare of fruit at first. Once we got the hang of it, we gathered a few pints pretty quickly. I got on Eric's shoulders to reach a few choice bunches that were out of our reach. He's brave, as I am rather clumsy!
My foraged food haul:
- a few apples of various kinds
- some wee red crabapples
- delicious sun-soaked muscadine grapes
- kudzu flowers
So, with my bucket full of goodies well in hand, I headed home and tried to decide what to make with my foraged fruit. One big batch of apple and grape jelly? A weird booze? Maybe just snack on the fresh fruit and try to eat it all up?
I did not have enough grapes for a gallon of wine. I had never worked with kudzu flowers but knew they were edible. There weren't enough apples to do much with except for enjoying them in slices with honey and peanut butter!
But I kept getting seduced by the grape-candy scent of the kudzu flowers, taking big whiffs as I munched on the muscadines. The two flavors wanted so badly to be wine that I decided to give it a whirl. Here is my first attempt at a small-batch mason jar of wine!
Kudzu Flower & Muscadine Wine
A very small batch recipe
- 5-6 kudzu flowers, stripped from their stems
- 2 handfuls o'grapes
- 1 cup sugar
- warm water to fill the jar (not boiling)
I stripped the kudzu flowers from the stem and added them into the jar. Next went in two large handfuls of grapes.
Once they were all in there, I smashed the everloving hell out of the whole thing with a wooden spoon, making sure each and every grape was popped! That's a very enjoyable part of the process, I must say.
Next, I poured the sugar on top of the grape-flower mash and gave it a bit of a stir.
While that was going on, I boiled a kettle of water. When it was ready, I poured it over the grapes and flowers and stirred it to ensure the sugar was dissolved. I then added a lid with an airlock.
At that point, I realized that I'd likely killed off any wild yeasts with the boiling water, and sighed. Use warm water instead and the wild yeasts will do their job!
Once the mixture was cool, I stole a taste – delicious! Grapey and sweet and very flowery.
Since I had killed off the yeast, I needed to add something to start the fermentation, so I added a splash of homemade cider that I keep in my fridge. The bottle is full of yeast, and sure enough, it kicked my little experiment into life a day or so later! The liquid turned from a lovely lavender-grey into a luscious purple over the next day or two.
This will be strained and enjoyed over the next week or so – no aging or anything for this wee batch! Just a light, bubbly, boozy flavor that can only be described as "it tastes like purple!"


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AC Milan's Andrea Pirlo
|Wed, 29 Sep 2004
|Preview Image #0000002174
|Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004
|Photographer: Fabrizio Forte
Caption: AC Milan's midfielder Andrea Pirlo pose for a picture at the beginning of the Champions League, Group G, soccer match between AC Milan and Glasgow Celtic, at the San Siro Stadium in Milan, Italy, Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004.
Event: Champions League AC Milan vs. Glasgow Celtic
Location: Milan / Milano / Italy
File Size: 1186.8 KB (1866pixel X 2800pixel)
Copyright © 2019 DIPAG di Guarriello Mirko
All rights reserved. Republication and redissemination of the contents of this screen are expressly prohibited.
Programming by Mirko Guarriello Sports Photography


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Tales That Touch The Heart
Six Authors from Six ETC Book Party 2013 States: Laurean Brooks, Larry Hammersley, Linda Swift, Celia Yeary, Pamela Hearon, Danielle Thorne.
Book Video Links
Etcetera Book Signing - 2012 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKu8ChXiNOM
Single Status http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGG8zPY0Mrw
The Twelve Days of Christmas http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Haa4S3RjiJI
Let Nothing You Dismay http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lQ3zOPv4dM
This Time Forever http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reKD9toBkuM
Celia Yeary and husband Jim who traveled from Texas .
Reviewer: Val Rating: You Gotta Read
"First, I need to say WOW, what an ending! To Those Who Wait was a very different book to any other I have read. I thought I might have issues with the relationship between Scott and Leah but at some point, this story just snuck up on me and had me hooked . . ..I always delight in reading a Linda Swift novel. . . She is not afraid to deal with realistic situations, which is something I admire in a writer. I highly recommend To Those Who Wait to anyone who loves a good romance with unexpected twists and turns."
5 stars A NIGHT OWL BOOK
Once I picked up this book and began reading I became totally lost in the lives of the characters. I was mesmerized in a way that is rare for me. The story, straightforward and relatively simple, is catapulted to the realm of the extraordinary by its heart-felt prose and a cast of characters that are not easily evicted from the recesses of my mind. In a way, I am reminded of one of my favorite TV series, Friday Night Lights, as I read this book. It is a compelling and unexpected delight. 5 stars
To Those Who Wait is a gripping, emotional story about everyday people who only want peace and love in their lives—and the best for their children. Certainly, this novel will leave a mark on the reader's heart. Without a doubt, as a reader and reviewer this novel holds a sacred place at the top of my list of "must reads." The author, Linda Swift, is one of the best among the classic novelists. Don't miss this To Those Who Wait. 5 stars Celia Yeary-Author/Reviewer
RESURRECTION (Suspense)
"Resurrection is a delicious jolt of adrenaline. No sooner will you adjust to one plot twist than another one will jerk you out of your preconceived notions about what will happen next." LASR Mystery Review
More reviews are being added - Please check again soon.
NOTE: Two photos of the 2013 Etcetera book signing did not fit into the slide show and have been included below.
In these days of a wide variety of novels on the market, I'm pleased to say Full Circle is one of the best. The reader can expect a well-written tale, one that is worthy of high marks. The story revolves around one couple who meet again at a high school reunion, and both have had lives far different from the other. Pete, a widower, proudly tells about his wonderful children, now all grown and making lives of their own. Joanna has no one, but when she re-connects with Pete, old memories, heartaches, and lost love re-surface.
During their days of learning about each other all over again, and remembering the love they once had, events and other people intrude to cause anger, jealousy, resentment, and deception. Through it all, Pete and Joanna struggle to stay connected and ignite the romance they once shared.
To come "full circle," Joanna must reveal a secret to Pete, and in learning the truth, Pete must react in such a way to prove his love...... Other lives will be touched, but those most affected believe in their quest...........
For me, it was a pleasure to read a heart-warming, true-to-life story, devoid of unnecessary words, phrases, and most of all, completely free of explicit romantic scenes.
I highly recommend Full Circle, by Linda Swift.
5 Stars: Rising Star Reviews
Four Lips Review from Two Lips /reviewer:
The wonderful heroine of Ms. Swift's tale was such a loving and giving young lady. She won my heart and my respect. Maid of the Midlands will intrigue the reader with its intricate plot and lovable heroine. I like it when real historical figures appear in fiction. Mary, Queen of Scots, as portrayed by Ms. Swift, appears both regal and hauntingly human. Readers will sympathize with the queen's plight and wish things could have turned out differently for her. Maid of the Midlands is a must read for history buffs and romantics alike. MISTRESS OF HUNTLEIGH HALL
5 Stars from Rising Star Reviews:
Ms. Swift has once again produced an outstanding historical novel about the intertwining lives of the wealthy and the common man. In this deeply emotional love story between Malcolm Gray, who runs a ship chandlery in Hull, and Alice Wykeham ,an untitled woman who becomes Lady Talbot by marrying an elderly Lord, the young couple become separated by no fault of their own. Twists and turns throughout the story keep the couple apart, but in the end, clever developments allow a satisfying and logical conclusion.
The story gives the reader everything--young love, betrayal, tragedy, distrust, greed, power, and finally a conclusion that is perfect.
Ms. Swift's style of writing is classic, one that will endure over time because of her high quality storytelling abilities. In this novel--as well as the first, Maid of the Midlands--she creates scenes by the actions and speech of the characters. Without the clutter of useless explanations and descriptions, the story becomes vivid and exciting.
5 Stars: Rising Stars Review
Linda Swift's newest release, Single Status, is the perfect love story. Ms. Swift, an accomplished author, has given us a story with "real life" characters,deep emotions, and plenty of tension. The heroine works in a man's world,
and every step she makes is scrutinized. The hero works beside her, learning all about her insecurities masked with bravado, and she discovers his hidden, tragic past. Together, they work as a team, not only to solve the source of a mysterious explosion, but to solve their personal conflict. Don't miss this wonderful novel.
5 Stars: WSPorter
B.J. Sutherland's problems start when she has to prove she can do her job as well as any of the men. Then her attraction for a coworker adds more trouble and makes for a fun romantic read.
5 Stars: Larry Hammersley
The happenings in the workplace were well done. Lots of excitement kept the story going. Relationships of different people were an integral part of the story. We see the male ego and a woman's determination to make a go of it in what many might perceive is a man's world. Her being able to handle that is in itself a wonderful message. I highly recommend this story and I had difficulty finding stopping places and didn't want to quit reading.
5 Stars: Sharron Crim
I really enjoy Linda's books, the kind that once you start reading your gonna finish before you put the book down. Love her descriptive detail and just the way she puts you right in the middle of the book. If I am ever having a bad day I always grab one of her books and just let it take me away.
Stories of Speculative Fiction
Review: Vivian Lewis-Reader
Even after you explained what speculative fiction is, the suddeness and unexpectedness of the endings still takes my breath away and leaves my brain gasping for more.


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Postage and Packaging
Postage and packaging will incur a delivery charge per item. Multiple items will be charged an additional .45p per item.
Some of our stock is made to order – in particular our hand painted items. We will contact you to let you know when to expect your delivery, however, we would not expect it to be more than 10 days from receipt of your order.
Should you require a made to order product for a specific date, please e-mail, or call us, on 07447 406426 to ensure that we can fulfil this in time.
For Non Mainland UK Orders please contact us for delivery costs :- email@example.com.


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Member of Technical Staff, Tools and Infrastructure
Rubrik, Palo Alto, CA
Bringing Speed and Scale to the Enterprise
Rubrik is creating the cloud data management space. We make it easy for businesses to protect, search, secure, and analyze all of their data simply and scalably. As cloud continues to grow at an astounding rate, we'll be solving some of its most interesting challenges while building a product unlike anything seen before. This is a massive challenge and we're just getting started so there is a lot of opportunity for personal growth and contribution.
- Build tools to operate critical infrastructure that enables Rubrik engineering to be productive in all stages of the product release life cycle.
- Automate provisioning and management of resources in our lab for developers and QA to run tests.
- Collaborate with a highly devoted team to troubleshoot and de-escalate issues that widely impact productivity.
- BS in Computer Science or related technical field or equivalent practical experience
- Exposure with configuration management tools (eg. Ansible, Chef, Puppet).
- Expertise in system architecture and fluency in Python, Java or other object-oriented programming languages
- Knowledge of Unix/Linux environments
Rubrik provides equal employment opportunities (EEO) to all employees and applicants for employment without regard to race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, age or disability. In addition to federal law requirements, Rubrik complies with applicable state and local laws governing nondiscrimination in employment in every location in which the company has facilities. This policy applies to all terms and conditions of employment, including recruiting, hiring, placement, promotion, termination, layoff, recall, transfer, leaves of absence, compensation and training.
About Rubrik
Rubrik is a cloud data management platform. They manage data and computing systems for large companies with operations spanning multiple compute clouds. Their goal is giving complex enterprise systems the simple interface of a consumer application.
Want to learn more about Rubrik? Visit Rubrik's website.
Jobs You May Like
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Tulip Retail, Toronto or Kitchener
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From 13th to 15th March 2018, ADS-TEC will be presenting its extensive range of StoraXe® products for home use, industry and infrastructure in Düsseldorf in building 8b at booth 8bD22. As revolutionary, storage-based fast-charging technology for electromobility, the Nürtingen-based company will in addition also be showing the new "HPC Booster" and "HPC Dispenser" development. At the Energy Storage Europe ADS-TEC will be actively in-volved as a gold sponsor. At the conference event, Thomas Speidel, CEO of ADS-TEC and president of the German Energy Storage Association (BVES), will be taking part in the panel discussion "Energy Storage or Grid Extension – The Appropriate Question?" held on 13th March.
ADS-TEC has long focused on the topics of grid stability using stationary storage solutions and the huge amount of power that will in future be required for electromobility. A forward-looking in-frastructure needs a dynamic and extensive method of providing power for fast-charging sta-tions. However, sufficient power capacities are not always available on the distribution grid.
HPC Booster, HPC Dispenser and PowerBooster
At this year's Energy Storage trade show, the company will be presenting a new world-leading rapid-charging technology: the extremely compact storage system HPC Booster (HPC = high-performance charging), which effectively makes the existing distribution grid usable without the need for costly network expansion, together with the separate HPC Dispenser fast-charging sta-tion. The system can be integrated easily anywhere in the limited-power distribution grid and, with its high-quality design, is also able to fulfil representative purposes. Both are new develop-ments in cooperation with the Porsche Engineering Group. The first systems have already been installed.
The outdoor battery system PowerBooster in its compact minicontainer offers a further solution. This system delivers high power capacities at fast-charging stations while being recharged at low power at the available network connection point. This not only saves valuable time, but also eliminates the need for elaborate medium-voltage systems, building cost subsidies or expensive network expansion.
At the same time, the PowerBooster can be set up as a grid service station almost anywhere outdoors and connected to the 400 volt distribution grid. Many useful network functions such as voltage stability, delay for optimum bandwidth utilisation, frequency regulation, reactive power supply or peak capping are possible. These functions are particularly relevant for distribution grids which are subject to temporary overloading due to renewable supply or simultaneous pow-er requests from a large number of electric vehicles. Via the cloud-based IoT service platform Big-LinX (also developed by ADS-TEC), all distributed StoraXe storage systems can be moni-tored, safely coupled and integrated into superordinate management systems and virtual power plants of customers and partners.
Flexibly use home storage
The StoraXe "Home & Small Business" product portfolio for private houses, multi-family dwellings as well as workshops, businesses and public facilities will be presented at the trade fair with the currently smallest 6 kWh or 9 kWh storage system as well as 19 and 28 kWh systems.
Owing to the particularly high energy density with an exceptionally high number of cycles and the constantly high performance, utilisation concepts that are more far-reaching than the simple op-timisation of personal consumption are possible, e.g. the support of e-mobility, global networking in swarm solutions through to the central connection to wide-ranging cloud services via Big-LinX.
Storage solutions for industry and infrastructure
Focus is also on the StoraXe "Industrial & Infrastructure" industrial storage solutions, which are used above all for peak-load capping, load management, emergency power applications and in combination with large PV systems or as complex hybrid power plants. The systems cover band-widths between 50 kW/kWh and several MW/MWh. These systems will in part also be on view at the booth. For large-scale applications, ADS-TEC supplies customer-specific solutions, e.g. in container format. The modular design and the comprehensive IT management system facilitate nearly limitless scaling possibilities. High-quality battery cells from the industrial sector allow max-imum power and minimum capacity losses throughout the operational life of the systems.
The in part complex and globally distributed systems can be integrated and managed online via ADS-TEC's Big-LinX IoT service platform. Big-LinX Energy includes various energy management tools. These tools provide support even during the planning phase, enable monitoring, remote maintenance or data analysis during operation and offer numerous possibilities for future busi-ness models and integrations.
Dr. Jens Kistner, head of product and project management for energy storage applications at ADS-TEC, will also be holding a lecture regarding the PowerBooster in session 8 "Ener-gy Storage Solutions – Best Practice Examples".
ADS-TEC | http://www.ads-tec.de


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Puma Red Power Cat Graphic Laptop Backpack
Product Details
This Puma backpack has its brand logo standing out in a hypnotising pattern on the front panel. This bag consists of 2 zippered pockets with a mesh sleeve at the side to keep your water bottle. It measures 40 cm in length, 14 cm in width and 59 cm in height. It is made of polyester material that is long lasting and also has the benefit of being waterproof. As it is also designed with cushioned shoulder straps, it would enhance your comfort level and make you travel with ease.
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