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Hi again.
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Hi again.
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Hello again.
After talking to my OW worker on the phone, she was asking why I haven't been showing up to Leads lately. I'm pretty sure I already explained that in my previous blog. So yeah, I filled her in. She suggested that I e-mail the Leads worker to give her feedback regarding how our last appointment went. That way the same doesn't happen with future, or other clients. Ya know? Keep it professional. So I did that. My OW made it a point to not express any hostility, but to explain my perspective of what took place. Hopefully, I accomplished that. The following is what I sent, hopefully I don't sound too much like a bitch.
Hello ****,
my OW worker has requested that I contact you, & follow up with you even though it is no longer necessary for me to go ahead with Leads. I will be job searching independently for the remainder of time of my pregnancy.
However, she did say that giving you feedback regarding our last appointment could be beneficial to you and future clients.
In your last email you apologized for your poor communication. I can forgive you for that. But I must let you know how I felt, and why I walked out.
First off, I felt like your questions had nothing to do with employment, and found them rather personal. Questions regarding my relationship, my pregnancy, my family, and if CAS is involved. None of those topics have anything to do with why I come to Leads in the first place. I feel like you forgot your own occupation. You are not a psychologist, councilor, or an interrogation officer. The way you asked those questions, it was like a lightning round of questions. You were not really giving me time to think about my answers, you were cutting me off. As a deep thinker i prefer time to think before I speak. So that came off as rude and disrespectful, and it triggered my anxiety. It came off as aggressive behavior so I walked out of my appointment.
To avoid the same situation with other clients, I suggest focusing on skills and employment.
Thank you for taking the time to read my perspective. I hope my feedback will come in handy for the sake of others.
Pauline King Shannon
Anyways, my OW worker gave me the option to either continue with Leads, and try to work things out with this worker, or for the last 2 months of my pregnancy, job search independently. However, she did say that trying to work it out with the Leads worker would give me some experience when dealing with difficult people or situations in the work field. That was before she thought about it, and gave me the option to job search independently. I got 2 more months to go. I mean, mobility is becoming more and more of a challenge. My tummy is growing into a beach ball. So yeah, job searching from home for 2 months would be a hell of a lot easier.
Umm… yesterday I was feeling kinda down. But thanks to my babe for listening and trying to understand. Even though I know he can't possibly fathom what I was feeling. Yes, being pregnant is wonderful. But at the same time… Ughhh… I miss being as active I used to be. Also, pregnancy can come with some unpleasant side effects. For example: a bladder infection, hemorrhoids, swollen feet, ankles and fingers, indigestion, itchy breasts, etc, etc. So no, I'm not feeling so fabulous lately. And running to the washroom every 2 hours at night, ugh..no fun. I'm losing sleep. So there is a part of me that is getting impatient, and kinda feel tired of being pregnant. Like, just pop already! Lol Then there's another part of me that doesn't want to pop just yet, we aren't ready. We still need a crib mattress, and other things for when I go into the hospital.
For a while there, I felt like I was being ignored, because my partner would be playing a videogame on the XBox One for hours. But he proved me otherwise. He turned off his game just to talk to me. So there goes that assumption that the game was a higher priority. Yup, scratch that. My babe is amazing. Probably just my freakin hormones going crazy. Thinking the worst.
Anyways, feeling much better today. Not as gloomy. I only got 2 more months to go, so yeah. I can do this!!
What else? … Sounds like my babe will be switching jobs soon. He works for his Dad, as a framer, and it sounds like his dad is done with framing and is gonna move onto other things. Luckily for my babe, he has a number of jobs to fall back on. I mean, he was offered 3 jobs that are there and waiting. So yeah, that's pretty awesome.
Speaking of my babe, his portrait that I painted is off to New York for the Twitter Art Exhibit. Hopefully it arrives to it's destination safely. This year all original post card art will be benefiting Foster Prides "Homemade program". A program in which young women in foster care learn to create and market a unique line of goods.
It'll be my third time participating in the Twitter Art Exhibit. Ya know? It kinda gives my art a purpose when I am able to help out non- profit organizations by donating my art. I tend to do that a lot. Lol Even locally. But I don't know, I get a sense of a greater accomplishment that way. It's like David Sandum ( the curator of the Twitter Art Exhibit) says; Art can make a difference.
Speaking of art, my mans mother and her boyfriend surprised me yesterday. They called and were requesting for a commission piece. Even though I hardly ever do commission pieces, but we'll see how that goes. I've done commission work once, I think I can do it again. But normally, I like to paint and create whatever I want.
However, my focus at the moment is creating something for the next Up with Art event. A fundraising event that benefits the homeless through the Unity Project. The thing is, now that I have completed and shipped off my art to the Twitter Art Exhibit, my mind is at a blank or stand still when it comes to my next project. Can't force inspiration, or creativity, it just happens. So hopefully, I can come up with something before the Spring.
Onto other things…. my man said that once we are done saving up for our baby and getting everything he/she needs. We can start saving up to see my family up north. That's awesome! I got a feeling that my man will love it up in Trout Lake. My Aunt is already planning to take him to all her best fishing spots. Lol So yeah, that's exciting. If not this year, maybe next year. Yaaaaay!
My cousin said it would be awesome if I could bring all 3 of my children. My son, daughter, and the baby. Yeah that would be awesome, but I think my son and daughter are too urbanized. I think they would complain the whole time being out in the bush. Heck, it's challenging enough just to get them to go to the conservation areas within the city with me. And I'm not sure my ex would allow that, since such a thing wasn't allowed in the past. Things may have changed since then, and who knows, maybe he'd appreciate the break. But yeah, we'll see when the time comes.
Speaking of my son and daughter, my son didn't come to the last weekend visit. That was a bit disappointing, but it is his choice. This attitude he has towards my man is getting beyond annoying. My man is a good man. He's not abusive. He works his ass off to make sure me and the kids are well off. And yeah, I'd hate to say it, but my son is being an ungrateful little shit. But I guess that kind of behavior is to be expected when adults, such as teachers and parents, let children walk all over them or just let the kid have their freakin way. And since my man won't tolerate any disrespect or ungratefulness, he tries to discipline or teach that there are consequences to ones actions…No, my son won't have it. How dare anybody try to teach him anything or discipline him in anyway. So yeah, perhaps all this, whatever my ex is teaching our son, is back-firing on us all, because our son has no respect for any authority figure. Parents included. Maybe it would be better off teaching him that kinda stuff, anti-capitalism stuff, when he's older and not so literal. He's 10 years old for crying out loud! Better yet, start teaching him to survive on his own. Teach him to cook, clean, garden, etc, etc. That way he's not completely screwed over when it comes time to go out into the world on his own. That's 8 years away, look how quick 10 years flew by. Geez!!
Yeah, things with my son are a bit frustrating lately, and my ex wants us to coddle him basically. But the way I see it, we're the adults, he's the child. It's not the other way around. There needs to be discipline, and routine, and structure with a child, otherwise…yeah. You get my point. Ughhhh!!! Stressed out mama.
Thankfully, were not going through this bullshit with our daughter. Ya know? She's doing amazingly well in school, and actually wants to go. So good for her. If she keeps that positive attitude, she can get pretty far.
So yeah, that is an ongoing issue regarding our son and us 3 adults. I'm at a loss when it comes to doing something about it. I mean, my time is limited with my son, and if he chooses to not visit, then he doesn't visit. So majority of my sons fate is left up to my ex, and it doesn't look very promising. That's just my perspective. I'm his mother, I'm supposed to worry about his well-being.
Anyways, that's enough of that. It's stressful enough just thinking about it.
So yeah, that's some of the things going on in my life.
Other than that, I got my appointment booked at the Birthing Centre. Get to go over my birth plan, so on and so forth. 2 more months to go, and my mans and I's pudgy little baby will be here! 😀
As always, thank you for reading. Peace and love! – Pooks
"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it."
– Jane Wagner
Well I guess this is my first blog post of 2016. Yaaaay!
Anyways, I know I'm not as consistent when it comes to posts. But life has been getting busier. I've gone from weekly, to every two weeks. Basically, I'm just posting when I find the time.
Also, because of my pregnancy, I seemed to have hit another stage of fatigue. So yeah, when I'm not overly tired either, I can blog.
A bit has happened since the last time I blogged, so I am not sure where to begin.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this last time, but my baby is no longer under weight, and is the size and weight it should be around this time. So yaaaay! I knew my baby would grow their pudge at their own pace.
The doctor that is following my pregnancy said she might not be there for when I go into labour, but has a couple back up doctors that she trusts that can take her place. Depending on when I go into labour. So yeah, Just as long as there's a doctor to coach me through the contractions, I'm good!
Last week at Leads Employment Services…wow. I swear that was my first time ever walking out of an appointment. Nope, i wasn't a happy camper that day. I mean yes, I was late. But I clearly cannot waddle my ass to the bus stop as fast I'd assume. Especially on ice. So yeah, missing the bus that I intend to catch shouldn't come as a surprise. Also, I planned on going to Shoppers Drug Mart first to drop off a prescription, and I did. My stop there took longer than expected, because the date on my prescription wasn't the correct date. So yeah, I had to talk to the clerks there for a bit to sort things out with my clinic.
Anyways, I get to my Leads appointment, things seemed fine, until my Leads worker starts nagging me about punctuality and organization. I was fine, until she started acting like an interrogation officer with her lightning questions after questions. To me that comes off as aggressive, and with me having anxiety being around any kind of aggression, my reaction will either be fight or flight. And obviously, I chose to leave.
Not to mention I didn't appreciate the personal questions she was asking. Such as, is C.A.S involved? That's not your job. She's not a psychiatrist, or a councilor. My personal life really isn't any of her business. Her job is strictly to help find me employment, or to help me work on skills that can assist on getting me a job. And that day it was like she forgot that. Not to mention, if she were to be realistic about my current situation, I'm 6-7 months pregnant. I'm not going to be finding work anytime soon, nor after when the baby is born. I'll be a stay at home mom at least until my child either gets into daycare, or starts school. So these Leads appointments are kinda pointless at the moment. I mean, I'm obviously going to put my health as a top priority, above Leads. If I'm late because I put my health first, tough shit. I had a bladder infection, and my doctor said if I don't get antibiotics to treat it, I could have risked going into a preterm labour. So yeah, I wasn't impressed with that worker. I stormed out of the office, and shortly after I left, I left a message for Leads stating that I didn't want this woman as worker anymore.
So yeah, I normally have positive things to say regarding Leads, but not this time. That was my first time I ever walked out. It wasn't a pleasant experience, and I really don't want to go back if I have to work with that specific worker.
Plus, I am really getting annoyed with this society. They see a native pregnant woman , and it's like they automatically think that C.A.S should be involved. Go fuck yourself. I know I'm a good mom. My kids know I'm a good mom. Their opinion is more valid than a complete strangers. That's one of the downfalls about becoming a parent, suddenly everybody wants to judge you. When really, they should be more concerned with their own lives, rather than picking others apart. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect. That's the problem with C.A.S, they base parenting on a textbook. When in reality, parenting is not something you learn from a textbook, but from actual experience. It varies with every individual.
I mean currently, in my situation, my children are fortunate. Even though my son may not see it that way. He's got more support than the average child. He's still got both parents there for him, PLUS my partner that is willing to step up to the role of a step parent.
My daughter seems to be adjusting to the changes rather well. But my son is still kinda resistant towards my partner. He's rude, ignorant, and ungrateful towards him. I just wish the two of them would just get along. But they keep butting heads. It gets kinda frustrating being stuck in the middle. I mean, my partner is only trying to help, and teach him also since my son is being home-schooled. But my son ignores him. Sigh…
Speaking of the homeschooling thing. It's difficult when there are two methods of teaching that contradict each-other. My exes way of teaching sounds like it's a lot more passive. However, he tells us not to let our son walk all over us and be the adult. But when it comes to his way of teaching, he's kind of being a hypocrite, and being the rug that my son can walk all over. He says that was the schools issue, they coddled him, and just let our son do whatever. Well… it sounds like he's doing the same. I mean, if you let a child have that choice wither or not to learn, left to their own device, a child would rather not do any work. They'd rather play. Yes, a child learns from playing, but I can't see a child learning much from video-games. However, when it comes to electronics it is impressive that my son can figure things out without knowing how to read.
Anyways, my ex wants to teach our son the conspiracy theory stuff. The kind of stuff you see on Infowars. My son hates that show, and hates Alex Jones.
As for my partner and I, we want to teach him stuff he'd learn in school. So that he doesn't fall too much behind. My partner got 2 textbooks. One is a grade 5 curriculum book which includes math, english, social studies and science. After seeing how far behind he is in English, my partner got him a grade one English text book. We'll start from scratch and build him up from there.
My ex and my partner have their disagreements. I mean, I agree with both to a degree. I too dislike capitalism. But I see where my partner is coming from, my exes and I's son needs to learn the system, and how to survive in it also. I despise money, but in this day in age, you kind of need it if you want shelter, groceries, a decent living. As I said before, I don't want to see him homeless, or turning to crime to survive.
In order to be able to make changes, you gotta know the rules of society before you can bend them. Also, you have to be able to invest in the changes you want to make.
Anyways, it's pretty sad that my ex says he's pretty much prepared to have our son live with him, even when our son is a grown adult. Already that is doubting his capabilities.
I know he's a smart kid. He's just stubborn. And when it comes to homeschooling, us adults cannot be the doormats. We gotta step up and be the adults. When it's time to learn, it's time to learn. We weren't given a choice back when we were in school. It was mandatory for every child. so why should it be different for our son? Unless we want to hold him back even farther, which I certainly don't. Of coarse I want to see my son succeed. To be better off than me or his father, living on welfare.
But maybe this whole home-schooling stuff would go a lot smoother if we also worked on my sons confidence. He does not believe in himself, he does not love himself.
I've also said it before, he needs some sort of counseling. I believe he's still being affected from witnessing his father assault his mother when he was five. Hence why he turns to technology to shut the world out. He's been doing that since he was 5. It started with movies, watching Garfield over and over (since that was playing during the time of the assault), then he turned to video-games. However, counseling would be entirely up to my ex, and my ex won't do it. Probably because he thinks C.A.S will be called on him or something.
There's another difference between the way my partner and I parent, and my ex. My ex prefers to isolate. While I believe the native saying that it takes a community to raise a child. My partner agrees.
So yeah, 2 conflicting ways of schooling, and 2 conflicting ways of parenting… it's a challenge. But like I said, each parent has a different way of doing things.
Thankfully my daughter doesn't have the same issue regarding school. She's doing well in school. Matter of fact, after a weekend visit here, my partner was impressed when I told him that she wanted to go to school that morning. So she's been listening to what my partner and I have been trying to say, and perhaps sees the value in it. Not to mention, she was pretty eager to show her friend the craft we made over the weekend. It was a Penguin Light Switch Cover. We made 3. One for her, one for me, and one for her friend. They turned out pretty cute.
Anyways, her and my partner seem to get along okay. She's adjusting to the rules. She did pout one weekend about keeping her room clean, but has been getting better at it. The cleaning that is.
Onto other things…at the New School of Colour, I brought in something I've been working on for the Twitter Art Exhibit. It's going to be a portrait of my partner. I shared my progress online and people liked it. However, when I brought it to the New School of Colour, it's like it just got picked apart. This is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong. It kinda makes me uncomfortable to draw in front of the facilitator if I do not draw the way he does.
I mean, he says "art is the artists journey", but is it? Not if you have someone telling you what to do. And drawing on your work. It becomes their work. Their journey. So yeah, that is something he needs to stop doing. I understand he enjoys helping and inspiring others, but too much criticism deflates an artists confidence. If he truly believes in that analogy regarding the artists journey, than he needs to give artists more freedom, and understand that not all artists are the same, or are not going to create the same image as he. Part of the journey, the learning, is the struggle. The artist doesn't learn if your doing their work for them. Which is a downfall he had with another artist, because now she won't work unless he's there. She has become highly dependent on him.
Besides, every artist has a different perspective. If we all sat around a table and were asked to draw or paint an object, chances are, every image would be different, even though we were looking at the same object. Everyone has their own unique style, and perspective. Why try to conform everyones style and perspective into yours?
So yeah, the New School of Colour was Tuesday, and yesterday. I went Tuesday, but didn't go Wednesday. I didn't feel like getting more criticism. Plus, with the fatigue I've been feeling lately due to my pregnancy, I took a nap instead. Haha! With the extra weight, everything takes that much more of an effort.
Anyways, I need to get some blood work done at some point today. I was going to yesterday, but by the time I was all ready, I ran out of time. I need an extra hour while I'm at the lab. I gotta drink this glucose stuff, wait an hour, then let the doctors stab my rubber suit and steal my blood. 😦 Lol It's a diabetes test. I remember doing it before with my other pregnancies.
I also still need to book an appointment with the Birthing Centre. My plan is to have a natural birth, but to have the laughing gas there just in case. I refuse to do an epidural. During contractions, maybe have a bath or shower. We shall see.
Since my baby is no longer underweight, an ultrasound is no longer needed. So the sex of my baby is still a mystery. It drives us a bit stir crazy, because we know that relatives want to know the sex of the baby, so that they can start buying clothing and what not. But nope. He/ she remains a mystery baby.
Which reminds me, we had to think of a different name if our baby is a boy. My partners father told my partner that Adelaide is a girls name, and that kinda made my partner insecure. So he asked if we could change it. Rather than having Adelaide as a first name, it will remain a middle name for either sex of the baby. If you recall, we were going to name a girl; Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg. And for a boy, Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg. Well…for the boy, that's changed. And since my partner speaks of his grandfather so highly, We decided on a shortened version of his grandfathers name, instead of Martin, Marty. So if our baby is a boy, Marty Adelaide King Wuytenburg. Adelaide will remain in the name because of the meaning/ history behind it. It just won't be used for a first name, because I guess that would be "too embarrassing."
Ya know? My ex used to be all insecure about our sons name, Anakin. Just because his loser friends mocked and made fun of it. But look at it now. Anakin is one of the most popular names in the U.S. AND when people meet our son, they love his name. I knew it was a good name! 🙂
Anyways, there's a lot that has happened. I mean, my doctors appointments are now every 2 weeks… We're trying to get ready for the baby…getting things here and there. So on and so forth. I think that's enough for this blog post anyways, you don't need all the details. Just whatever is on my mind. So yeah, until next time, peace and love! – Pooks
"The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic."
– Oscar Wilde
Since I've shared the news everywhere else, I might as well share the news here too. Meaning, I might be blogging more than once this week.
Newho, yesterday I had my second ultrasound, and it was to be the day to determine wither my baby is a boy or a girl. During the ultrasound I couldn't help but giggle at my baby. Already it has a spunky personality. It was active, moving around lots, but also being stubborn. Stubborn as in not spreading it's legs to reveal it's sex. My man said that he or she was just being prim and proper. Lol In other words, modest. So I did not find out the sex of the baby, and it remains a mystery.
Anyways, the baby is healthy and doing well, no matter what the sex is. I was happy to hear that he, or she, is very active, because I haven't been able to feel any kicks yet. But I'm sure I will soon. 🙂
Daddy is so proud of his baby, that he took the sheet of ultrasound pictures with him to work this morning to show off the pictures to as many people as he can. ❤ We both agree, the baby has got Daddy's nose. Hehehe!
Apologies to anyone that was curious and anxious regarding the sex of our baby. I'm pretty sure there is one more ultrasound, but that is closer to the due date. Around the time that I will be 30 weeks pregnant. So if you are going to get our baby anything, we suggest blue, or neutral colours, for now.
Onto other things, but still regarding family. My man said he's considering of getting himself "snipped", because he's happy with one baby of his own. Plus our baby will have 2 fabulous older siblings that they will get to see on weekends. And we got 3 shitzu's that are a lot like 3 silly little children, only furry. So yeah, I guess you can say we got a decent size family as is. Not to mention, all the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc, etc.
So yeah, what started off as my little family (My son, my daughter and I), has grown, and been accepted, and welcomed into a much larger family. I am grateful for that. It's different, and kinda nice to have that kind of support there.
Anyways, I too think this will be my last child I give birth to. My body has already given 2 natural births without medication, or pain killers. Ya know? Hopefully, my body can handle that one more time. I'm not as young as I used to be, nor is my body. However, I think it's cute that my daughter says things like "You're still not old." That's flattering. Thank my biological genes, The Kings, for me looking younger than I am. Lol
Labour, oh how I remember. It is definitely one of those mind over matter things. Just gotta keep telling myself, the pain is temporary, when that time comes. In the meantime, I shall try to relax, and enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy.
Yes, there's been some stressful times. It could be me just being paranoid, when it comes to my mans drinking. But, compared to his co-workers, he's pretty responsible. Not drunk everyday, and not on getting high on chemicals. So I gotta give him credit for that. Perhaps it's just hearing how he used to be, and the fear he could fall back into old habits. But the truth is, compared to his past, he's cut down a lot.
He's told me, back in the day, he used to drink excessively to suppress horrible memories. He's told me of some of them. He's seen a lot of death within his life time that he blames himself for. But it's really not his fault. So yeah, every now and then these memories haunt him. I just wish there was a way that I could help him leave the past behind, and focus on the present. There's plenty to be grateful for in the present if you just look for it.
I guess having a creative outlet helps too. I've seen it work for other artists with addictions. Art has even helped me through some dark times, and depression. So I guess he just needs to re-connect with his creative outlet, and I believe that was music. The problem is, since he works so much, it's finding the time. It's kinda sad he's not more connected to his passion.
I'm not saying he has an addiction, I'm saying he needs another, healthier way to cope with these memories rather than turning to drugs and alcohol. Not exactly chemicals, but marijuana. However, I'd rather him smoke marijuana than touch man-made chemicals. If that makes any sense. I mean, even alcohol is man-made. It has been the death of many members of my biological family.
And perhaps when he drinks while I'm pregnant bothers me because of my own personal domestic violent experience. My ex was all fucked up that morning, either hung over or coming down off some sort of high, when the assault occurred. At least that's the impression he gave off. More moody than usual. So yeah, when I'm sober around someone that has been drinking, I get a bit on edge. I freak out internally thinking I'm in danger.
Another thing, men don't seem to understand that when a woman is pregnant, the baby feels everything the mother feels emotionally. So why would you want to put her through any stress and anxiety in the first place? And above all, repeat that shit over and over. It's getting to that point where if my man wants to drink, do it else where kind of thing. Not around me, my children, or our home which is to be a safe haven. I mean, clearly, it's just going to upset me every time. so yeah, do it elsewhere.
I look back at my first pregnancy, and it's no wonder my son has the amount of anxiety he does now. Heck, that's what he experienced in the womb. There was a lot of drama taking place during that pregnancy.
Speaking of my son, and some of the complications he has within the educational system. He sounds a lot like me when I was a child. I wasn't exactly the easiest pupil to teach. And when it came to learning to read and write, it was frustrating for me, to the point I was throwing fits. Knocking desks over and what not. I wanted to be doing other things. More creative things. Something that was brought to light over the weekend a little bit, when I talked to my childrens father. I guess a creative mind is hard to tame. Lol Perhaps my sons creativity is being expressed digitally through building things within video-games. Just a thought.
My mind kind of bounced all over the place again. This was suppose to be a blog about the baby, but apparently there's been more on my mind as well.
I was told that my son is doing better these days in school, minus his homeroom. So hopefully that improves. Can't help but find it peculiar that he refuses to sit down in that one class. Something set off his anxiety and scared him, what? Did that teacher yell at him? That would do it. I don't yell at my children, unless it's urgent like telling them to get off the road. Or they are doing that sibling rivalry thing where they bicker and fight with one another, and I raise my voice to distract what their doing. "ENOUGH!!" Lol Most of the time, talking to them face to face works fine. Talk to my child like a human being, and with respect, and he'll usually return that behavior. Geez!! Teachers these days. Clueless.
On Friday, my man and I had some issues. He was drinking, and had the nerve to accuse me of taking pictures of him for blackmail. Seriously? That is just fuckin ridiculous! I am a shutter-bug, an artist. If I want to immortalize you in a moment, you should feel honored. Not insecure. It means I was admiring or cherishing you in a moment. So yeah, that kinda hurt my feelings. And I guess he's not used to having his pictures all over FB, or being so open in the public. Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you dated and knocked up a blogger who puts her own life in the freakin spot light. No one can say shit about it if I'm the one saying shit first. I tell my own story. Is it my fault he wanted to be apart of my life, my story? No. That was his choice. Anyways, I had a hissy fit and removed all the pictures I had of him on Facebook. And refuse to take anymore if he's going to be that way. It was like, "fine, you don't want me to be that proud of you, then I won't be" kinda thing. So, so far I've stuck to that. No more pictures. A friend said to respect his wishes. Sure. I can do that. It's just fucked up that it never bothered him before. Until recently. But then again, he didn't like the pictures of him cuddling pillows being on my FB. They were adorable. He looked peaceful, which is rare for him. But I guess he needs to look all manly and tough, or idiotic and drunk in order for pictures to be acceptable. So yeah, we got in a little fight over that. He says it was a misunderstanding, and that the word blackmail was the incorrect term to use. Well duuuh!
So even though we were bickering on Friday, we managed to sweep that shit aside for the sake of my children, and focus on giving them a good Halloween. Which turned our pretty good. Minus the rain, and a lot of the homes in this area weren't giving out candy. It was still a good weekend. My daughter and my man even made banana bread together. She got so upset when she thought she left it behind in her backpack on the way back to her dads. Luckily we ran into the same bus we got off of, across the street, since it goes in a loop. So we got her backpack back.
So needless to say, things aren't exactly perfect, but not exactly horrible either. We have our ups and downs like most couples. Thankfully, things are starting to look up again. Especially after seeing our baby's ultrasound pics. Funny how children can put things back into perspective.Anyways, My man may not understand me as an Artist or a Blogger, but at least we can see eye to eye with our baby and our future.
Now on with my day! New School of Colour and Leads today. However I will have to leave New School of Colour early to make to my Leads appointment. But a little art time , is better than no art time at all. Until next time, peace and love!…Never-mind. Didn't make it to the New School of Colour, but I will make it to Leads! Anyways, yeah. Once again, thanks for reading! – Pooks
Hello. I've decided I'm going to type out part of my blog today, save it as a draft, and then add to it more later. I just want to write some things down before I forget.
So last weekend, I had my visit with my children on a Friday for 4 hours. I was late, but I felt that I needed to let the puppies out once more before leaving the house.
Anyways, we went to the dollar store, and picked up some flashlights, glow sticks, and my son wanted those silly glasses with the googly eyes. We wanted things that lit up since we planned to walk in the nearby conservation area, and with the sun going down, we needed some kind of light source.
It was a short walk, my daughter got spooked by the possibility of coyotes, and her brother started talking about ghosts and monsters. However, time kinda flew that day, because afterwards we planned on going to a park, and my alarm went off on the way there. I have an alarm that goes off at 7:30pm to notify us that it was time to head back to Tim Hortons (which is the pick up and drop off place that their father and I have arranged). So we went back to Tim Hortons, and still had about 20 minutes to kill. They wanted to try what I was drinking earlier that evening, a white hot chocolate, and I was like, sure, why not? Turns out that they became very wired from the white hot chocolates. They were behaving off the wall. So when my ex came to pick them up, he was trying to have a serious conversation with me, as usual, but I was having a hard time trying to not laugh at what my daughter and son were doing. Making faces, fart noises, pretending they were melting under the table, so on and so forth. Being children. It was funny. The kinda silliness that makes you want to join in. However, I didn't want to be rude, and yeah, tried to listen to what their father was saying, despite the silly distractions. Lol So yeah, note to self: White Hot Chocolate makes your children go bonkers.
After the visit, I returned home, and my man and his friend were having a fire out back. I think that was the night I got emotional regarding my mans drinking, I opened up and admitted a fear. Which isn't easy for me to do. Ya know? I do worry about his drinking from time to time. And even though he has cut back, it's the way he talks about alcohol that scares me. He sounds like an alcoholic. He needs to drink if he's in pain, if he's had a rough day, to celebrate a good day, to chill with the guys. There's a number of reasons/ excuses. And he knows that the reason I didn't go out with him 3 years ago, it was because of his partying and drinking. Ya know? I'm past that phase, I don't need to drink and party to have fun. I went years without drinking, it was when I started to date him that I thought, okay maybe I can loosen up a little bit. But now that I'm pregnant, and am going to be a full-time parent again, yeah, I'm going to be a bit of a tight ass again. I don't depend on alcohol. And when I hear him speak sometimes, it sounds like he does.
He tries to reassure me that he will straighten his act up when the baby arrives. But the thing is, I don't want to go through the same b.s that I went through with my ex. Ya know? I don't want to be stuck with another little boy that just wants to party, get drunk and high with his boys, while I'm at home trying my best to manage as a parent on my own. My man, says he knows what he's capable of, as in when it comes to cutting back or quitting. But I still have my doubts. Compared to how much he used to drink, even his friends say he's mellowed out. So I'll temporarily sweep it under the rug, and yeah, only time will tell if he will straighten up and man up. Actions speak louder than words.
Yes I expressed some concerns I've had lately regarding my boyfriend and alcohol. But, I'm going to take his advice, hang in there a little longer, and have faith that he will show me I have nothing to fear. I do love him dearly, and I can only hope that I'm not going to go through the same shit as I have in the past.
Ya know? He says he's always wanted a family of his own, to have a child. And with what's he's done so far, he seems pretty sincere. It could be just past experiences/ perspectives that could be haunting me. I worry and think too much. But then again, there are people that can't give up a crazy lifestyle for the sake of their family. Please prove my fears wrong.
On Saturday, I went to Westmount for this event called Art Blast, which was being held at the For the Love of Art Centre. I would not have known about it, if it hadn't been for Twitter. I find that Twitter seems to be a good way to find art events and exhibitions that I can participate in.
It was my first time at the For the Love of Art Centre. But yeah, I painted non-stop for 4 hours. The event is to support their centre. There will be an auction coming up, so all the pieces that were created there will be auctioned off starting Oct 31st, and the artists get 25% back of the proceeds that their art piece sells for. That's cool. I get to support a non-profit organization that encourages art and creativity on the west end of London, AND I get my art out there. Yaaaay!! For more details regarding the auction, keep an eye on the following Facebook page: ForTheLoveofArtLondonOntario
After the event, I met up with my man downtown and we did some shopping downtown.
Monday, I was home. Didn't do too much. Tuesday, I have no idea what happened, just got some major pregnancy fatigue, and napped longer that day than I intended to. Probably means I need to eat more. But yeah, I missed the New School of Colour this week. However, I was given the heads up that next week, the New School of colour will be on a Wednesday afternoon.
Today I was getting my appointments back in order and now that that's taken care of, one less thing to stress about.
During the week, I have been supporting my friend Melly. If you haven't noticed the re-blogs lately. I'm just so happy to see her standing up for something she believes in, despite the criticism she gets from people of higher supposed stature or status. Maybe I'm intrigued by her rebellion in a way. Ya know? People, even local news papers try to silence her opinions, but they don't crush her persistence and determination. She has something to say regarding Homelessness and Poverty, and she's damn well going to be heard. I love it! She even got interviewed on 106.9fm The X. I'm so freakin proud of her. It's good to see her fight for something she believes in. Ya know? It's like, my little Melly, she's all grown up. She's turning into quite the mighty woman. Get out of her freakin way!! Lol You can read and follow her blog at the following link:
According to my man, some family members on his side are getting a bit anxious to find out the sex of the baby. Unfortunately, I do not have that answer yet. We won't know until early November, within the first 2 weeks, after the next ultrasound.
When we think about it, our home is never going to have a dull moment. 3 shitzus, 3 children (2 on weekends) . There's always going to be something happening. Lol
My man and I joke around about naming our child; Raspberry Sue, no matter what the sex. Lol It gives us a good laugh. Raspberry, because my man has given my tummy so many raspberries during this pregnancy so far, that our child will probably think his/her name is raspberry. And Sue, because if our baby is a boy, my man says that name would toughen him up by the time he's an adult. Imagine a grown man named Raspberry Sue, not one to mess with. Lol But no worries, that will not be the name of our Little Turkey Hunter, that name is just jokes. I think once we know the sex of the baby, we'll get a better idea on what to name our child.
My man got the day off yesterday which was nice. He normally keeps himself pretty busy around the house, organizing things and cleaning. He was tuckered out by the end of the day. I find it funny how he says his dad is a workaholic, but so is he. However, I do have fun distracting him here and there.
Today I can relax, and do whatever. Tomorrow, I go in to see my doctor for my third prenatal check-up, and that is when I can pick up a new form for my next ultrasound since the one I had had gone m.i.a. I do recall my ultrasound appointment being within the first two weeks of November. My man won't be with me for this one, but I'll shoot him a text as soon as I know the sex of the baby, and he can spread the news to his family.
Then Saturday and Sunday my children will be over, and I'm excited to take them out for Halloween. I finally decided what my costume is going to be, and I don't have to buy anything except face paint. I just need jeans, and a plaid/ or button up shirt. I already have a hat I can use. But yeah, I'm going to be a scarecrow this year. A cute lil pregnant scarecrow. 🙂 Lol
Anyways, that is the basically what's been going on in the life of Pooks. Over all it's been good, with some worries, but not too much. Thank you so much for reading! Until next time! Peace and love – Pooks
"Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in."- Shannon L. Alder
FUCK!! I need to go the freakin library. Print out my bill. Hand in a copy to OW, because apparently they didn't pay it directly like they were supposed to, so I'm gonna have to try to get that set up again. AND I have to go to the Housing Stability Bank at the Salvation Army to see if they can pay the bill since OW/ Discretionary Benefits did squat, and just told me to go there. According to my red slip, my power gets cut off today. Thank you OW!. You're so much help. Geez! Luckily though, I was told by London Hydro that that's on hold because I am working on it. So yaaay! I have time. But it's gotta be done today. So fuck! A lot of unnecessary running around to do. Fuck that fuckin strike! OW workers are slackin. Then I got my visit later with my kids. So yeah, I'm gonna be exhausted by the end of the day. To save my bus tickets, yeah, I'll be walking everywhere. Except to get to my visit. Bus tickets are reserved to get me there. I can always walk back. Ughhh… tired already. But here it goes… Fuck a shower. I'll shower later. Just want this over and done with. Some stress you may not be aware of because I'm just very internal like that.
Ya know? I went to OW for assistance earlier in the week, and yeah…just get a phone call the day before disconnection of my power to go else where. WONDERFUL!!
Now it's the day of disconnection. And I'm stressed. Not cool. But I'm here writing it, because I don't talk about shit that bothers me. I write about it. I draw about it. I find other ways to vent my frustrations.
Speaking of venting frustrations. Yesterday was an off day for some friends, so yeah, they vented verbally. I listened. And yeah, I absorb that shit like a fuckin sponge. That energy. That's a lot in me now. So if I seem a bit off lately, that's why. It would be a great time to paint. Get my own, and others frustration, all that negativity I just absorbed out onto a piece of paper or a canvas. But no no no, I got other shit to take care of.
Right as of now, I'm just waiting for OW to open, their hours are currently 10am – 2pm because of the freakin strike.
Umm… what else? A couple other things. I mean, why does there always have to be a psychotic ex in the picture? I mean, mine finally is backing off a bit and having some respect for my new relationship. However, my boyfriends ex has been texting him, and I admit, that has me on edge a little bit. From what I heard, she doesn't sound like a very stable person. I mean, she assaulted my current boyfriend in the past, and yeah. In a fucked up way, my boyfriend and I can relate when it comes to past abuse. Anyways, the fact she seems kinda psycho, and isn't really moving on, and keeps texting when my boyfriend wants nothing to do with her, that kind of raises a red flag in the back of my mind. Should I be concerned of my own safety? I mean, it's been awhile since I feared going out like my biological mother. Murdered by a jealous insecure bitch over a man. But I find myself getting a bit concerned.
I mean she texted him on the day of Up with Art, and she tried again yesterday. Which kinda stressed my boyfriend out. And maybe he thinks that that is making me insecure, like I think he'll leave me for her or something. But that's not it at all. He's reassured me that I have the key to his heart, I'm his girl, so on and so forth. But it's not him I'm worried about at all. It's an old fear of dying as my mother did that is creeping up on me.
So yeah, hopefully she just moves on, and doesn't start any drama. So not interested.
What else? Since I got into this relationship, I am starting to see who are my friends, and which ones had other intentions. Especially with this one "friend", whom I used to date, kinda, in the past. Maybe he was hoping we'd hook back up. But no! He blew that chance when he took me for granted, ignored me, and yeah let me slip away. Clearly I wasn't that special to him. Maybe just a piece of ass. But yeah, he's lucky I even considered to talk to him again after ignoring me as he did as soon as he got a job. Like he's too good or something. So yeah, now he's giving me this attitude since I started dating my boyfriend. And yeah. FUCK! Either accept my friendship, or fuck off! He's behaving like an immature jealous bitch! Not only that, but he ignores our other friends now. I mean, last Tuesday my bestie sent him a message trying to set up a game night or something, like we used to do, and he just ignored. Like grow the fuck up! You're like 50 something years old!
On Tuesday, I noticed my Scrabble game that I had brought and left at his apartment was dropped off, and sitting in the corner of the New School of Colour studio. Either he's getting evicted, or just just acting like a bitch. He didn't even show up last week. He did the week before, but made this smart ass remark about me rushing off to see my boyfriend. Not to mention he was taking his frustrations out on other artists, such as one that was just trying to joke around with him, and he tried to pull this shit like she was the one trying to start shit or something. "Oh I don't know where the hell that came from!" Dude! Chill! She was just playing. Geez! So yeah, obviously I'm not gonna stick around. He was acting kinda hostile, and I got the fuck out of there. "I rushed off in a hurry"
So yeah, not too impressed with that supposed friend.
I mean, this other guy that had a crush on me is handling my new relationship status better than this other guy. He even shook my boyfriends hand. And still cracks jokes, and clowns around with me regardless. So he clearly values my friendship, even if he was hoping we would have been more. I appreciate that. Kudos to him for being mature about it.
My freakin ex is even handling this new relationship status better for crying out loud!! What did he say? He said congrats! And now he's moving on. He says there is another girl he's interested in. Thank fuckin god! It took years for that guy to get the point. It's over. Sadly, it takes another man to get that point across. A womans space isn't respected as much as a mans apparently.
So yeah, everything can't be sparkles, pixies, rainbows and unicorns all the time. Sometimes your cage is gonna get rattled. And yeah, it's gonna piss you off. Life's not perfect. But isn't that what makes it beautiful? The imperfections? And the very very frustrating struggles. That's what makes your story, doesn't it? I mean, it all comes down to how we choose to react. And well, I chose to keep my mouth shut, and just write it out and move on. It's helped many times before.
Now off to walk off some steam and get shit done! Have a good day!
Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading. – Pooks
"The mind can go either direction under stress—toward positive or toward negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by training."
– Frank Herbert
Just got back in, so I got a bit of time to sit down and type. Yaaaay!
Newho, last weekend my children and I celebrated my daughters birthday. I made her a vanilla birthday cake. She loved it. It was also the long weekend, so when we went to the park, we got to see fireworks going off in the neighborhood. It was cool. One kind teenager even gave my daughter a sparkler. So thanks to that kind young lady, my daughter loved it while it lasted.
Overall, it was a good weekend. It just ended kinda stressful. I just had to misplace my keys, and I noticed they were missing when it was time to take my children back to Merrymount. Anyways, as time went on with my search for the keys, by this time, I knew I wasn't going to make it there on time. So I sent a message to Merrymount, saying something along the lines of forwarding a message to my ex to come to my house for the pick up. To make things more stressful, Merrymount could not arrange that and suggested that I either contact my ex, or someone we both know and trust to help out with the exchange. Well…obviously I don't associate with my ex's crowd and vise-versa. So yeah, I was in a bit of a pickle. I guess they were giving my ex a hard time on his end as well. Luckily for me, I was able to find his number and contact him directly. So yeah, now he has my number. But when he came to pick up our kids, he agreed, regarding keeping our communication to minimum.
My ex was saying we should just cut Merrymount out all together. I don't know, he was concerned that they were going to call the police or something. Seriously? I just misplaced my keys, and threw it in the laundry. That happens sometimes. It's not a crime.
But then again, another crazy suggestion from my ex was to go off radar. Well that would mean give up one of my passions. Writing this blog. He wants me to shut it down. Umm..no.
As an introvert, I need an outlet which is this blog, and my art. My writing, and my art, the things I create, that is the very essence of Pooks. Pooks is a creator, and a messenger. And whatever that message is, isn't complete until I'm dead. Capiche?! I will leave my mark in this world, and my writing and my art is a part of that message.
Getting back on track, I did manage to find my keys though, 2 hours later after the time I was too drop my kids off at Merrymount. That being AFTER I tore the interior of my house apart, making a huge mess, then cleaning it all back up. Actually, I was going to give up, and decided to give the laundry pile one more shot. So when I was about to throw some clothes into the washer, I found my keys in the pocket of the sweater I was wearing the night before. Go figure. So the moral of all that chaos is…don't throw your keys in the laundry pile!!
Moving on…
Monday I had dinner at this new person in my life, whom I can proudly say is now my boyfriend. He's an amazing cook. One evening he made me deer steak, salad, fiddler heads, and a double baked potato. Another evening he made me a very cheesy omelette. and another evening we had pasta.
Anyways…Monday! That was Victoria Day here in Canada. So we planned to go see the fireworks at the Fanshawe Conservation Area. We were a bit late, but the walk there and back was amazing. We seen the fireworks from a distance, seen fireworks along our walk through the countryside, outskirts of London. We shared ghost stories. And when there was some kind of animal in the bush, he kept me safe. He scared it off, whatever it was. Our walk gave us plenty of time to talk and learn about each-other. It was awesome. Near the end of it, we lied down by the Thames River and gazed at the stars. It was an awesome night, and I look forward to more hikes and adventures with him.
Tuesday… there was no Leads appointment this week. That is next week.
I went to the New School of Colour, and guess what?!! I finished my oil painting!! So yes, my art will be in Up with Art this year. Just when I thought otherwise. Things have a funny way of working out, don't they? But I guess my name was already on the list as a confirmed artist, so I could have submitted an old piece, and still would have been in the show. However, when it comes to big exhibitions like Up with Art, or the Twitter Art Exhibit, I would much rather submit something new. So yaaaay! It's in! Up with Art, June 20th, 2015. 6pm – 11pm at The Palace Theatre!! Tickets are $40 in advance, or $50 at the door!! And as our Fearless Leader, of the New School of Colour, would say; "Be there! Or be square!" Haha! http://www.upwithart.ca
Anyways, this week was the last session of the New School of Colour for awhile. Our facilitator is going on vacation. So to all the artists, volunteers, and the facilitator, enjoy your break! See ya June 9th!
As for regarding all my babble about volunteers last week. A fellow artist, and former facilitator gave me an idea, and that was to co-facilitate the New School of Colour with her during the summer. During the months of July and August. Since she'll be working, she suggested alternating between her and I. That sounds like a fabulous idea!! Anyways, she said she'd speak to the executive director of The Ark, and the facilitator of the New School of Colour. Hmm…maybe it is time for Pooks to step up so to speak. We shall see…
Within the week somewhere, a friend and I had dinner at our other friends apartment. He made us garlic and ham fettuccine alfredo. It was delish. And afterwards, of coarse, we had a couple games of dice. I am in fact the Dice Queen ya know? Haha! Just kidding. I think we all won a game each that night.
Wednesday was my sons 10th birthday. I cannot believe it's been 10 years. No matter what, I am one very proud mama. So yeah, I hope he had an awesome birthday!
Thursday, I got to meet a couple of my man's friends. They were funny. Before we sat down, chilled and had a couple beers, my man surprised me with a bouquet of white roses. I was just so in awe that he thought of me while we were apart. Anyways, while the men talked and joked around, I just giggled. They were funny together. After they left, it was dinner and movie….and some adult explicit content that I'll keep private. Haha! But yeah, Thursday we agreed to officially be a couple in a relationship. I really like him. He really likes me, and yeah. I actually have a boyfriend. 🙂 I guess he's had a secret crush on my since a friend of ours daughters first birthday. Thanks to that friend, and her daughter, otherwise we would have never met, and wouldn't have kept crossing each-others paths. I mean, there was that birthday…then I'd run into him at Sunfest, then we met at Tim Hortons…then the LTC bus ( which was when I gave him my number and things kind of went forward from then on).
I couldn't be happier. He truly is amazing. We have a similar taste in music. He plays bass. He can cook. He can grow plants. He can build houses. He even used to draw. He's so talented in various areas. But I think what really drew us together was our love of being out in nature, and hiking. He's adventurous and wild. He's a family man. He comes from a huge family. I love the way he talks about his mother. All good things. She sounds like a wonderful woman.
Anyways, we have future plans to hike some trails, possibly go fishing, going to a baseball game, etc etc. He even plans to attend Up with Art. That is so awesome that he is going to be there to support me.
So yeah, things are good. I'm enjoying life.
Today I handed in my painting at the Unity Project. So everything is all good for Up with Art. I even went shopping for my sons birthday gift, as I will be seeing my children again tomorrow.
Anyways, I think that is all I will write today. Thank you for reading! – Pooks
"I have found that if you love life, life will love you back."- Arthur Rubinstein
I had posted a blog post, but apparently it vanished. So lets try this again, shall we?! I know I said I didn't feel like writing it all over again, but I am stubborn. I was pointing out some hypocrisy.
Anyway, last week during that whole #BellLetsTalk ordeal, I noticed a tweet from Western University that just made me want to crack up laughing.
It's hypocritical because here they are supposedly "supporting" those with mental health problems, yet that's the exact reason I was given the boot from this University, because of my "mental health." Supposedly it was "too late" to go see a psychologist when I did.
Anyways, I posted on FB about this, I said:
They only care because it's a trend. It's always about what other people will think. An image to maintain. Pathetic.
It is sad when people only "support" the mentally ill for a pat on the back, for social approval, or a gold star. So excuse me if I don't believe in their concern, and I believe it's staged for an audience. It's false empathy.
Then I went on to talking about my own mental health…and other stuff….
As for my mental health, I'm doing wonders when I am not being pressured into what's unnatural. Pressured into conformity. Without the pressure to be like everybody else, I'm fabulous! No anxiety, no panic attacks. It's been awhile.
Conformity is the mental health problem. Your minds have been fucked with, which goes way back to childhood and all the "organizations/ social institutions" ( Education, Religion, Political Systems, Economy, and Family. Yes, families are considered an organization as well. We are to raise our children to be obedient slave workers. Forget love, it's all about business for the system. Non- conformists raise a "red-flag" because they are a threat to the system. They can change things. No no no, don't want that. Especially your elitists, they like the way things are.)
So the way I see it now, is that I'm not the one with the problem. They are, and they are many. They are just too brain washed to see it.
This looks like a good spot to take a break, and share a video by Morgue.
When it comes to these people and they want to label and stigmatize you, it's like they're saying; "You're not like me, there's something wrong with you." Ummm…seriously? I'm not meant to be your replica. I know that, why don't you?
Now I'm not saying that I am 100% cured now. That's not the case. I'm sure I still have some issues that will randomly pop up due to a life time of abuse. That is bound to have some side effects. Such as trust issues. I rarely open up to people, and often regret doing so. People are cruel.
I have anxiety and depression. I still need to overcome my anxiety when it comes to being assertive and confronting people. That is a trigger. Although, according to my Leads worker, whom has given me examples of when I was assertive, and done okay, I guess I am getting better, and this is not permanent after all. The only barrier is in my mind. Kinda like everybody else in this insane world. I mean how many times do we need to have an oil spill, or a pipe explosion in order to realize that we need to try something else?
As for my depression, it comes and goes. I do get depressed during those gaps between visits with my children. But I think any loving parent would if they had to wait to see their child again. So yeah, sometimes I just want to sleep the days away until I see them again.
Reading the news, it's often bad news, so that can get depressing. Oppression is everywhere, and we are trapped in this prison. I wish others would just wake up already! The ignorance, and the conscience ignorance can get very frustrating. Many activists desperately try to get the message across. But many of the people just choose to ignore and continue on with their insanity. So yeah, there are times where it does feel utterly hopeless. But for some strange reason we dust ourselves off, and keep trying.
Discrimination for many different reasons ( being native, being a woman, poverty, mental health, being a survivor of abuse, etc etc…) can put a damper on a persons self-esteem, and cause depression. Heck, I don't believe I'll get a job in this city because of my brown skin. So in a way, I kind of gave up on that, and put more focus on my art. I'm a lot happier that way, than trying to be something I'm not.
In my original post that vanished into thin air… I kinda ranted about my ex. Regarding my trust issues. How lying for him is not worth it, and I took a personal vow to be more honest. My honesty now often gets me into a lot of shit. But whatever, it's better than lying. Let alone lying to cover up someone else's bullshit, just to get stabbed in the back. I think any woman in my position would not take him back. So yeah, he's pretty fuckin dumb to think that is even possible. Especially since we've separated, I just go through more verbal abuse from him. He has stalked me online here for 5 years to get his material to talk shit. Saying I'm a witch, I'm dating a gay guy that wears lipstick ( I believe he got that from my Me v.s Me duality pic), so on and so forth. Who in their right mind would take that back?? I don't think so.
So yeah, due to his online stalking, I was going to take a vacation from this blog, but I decided to say fuck it! I have some thoughts that need to be shared! Even if he can't keep his nose out of my business, and has this crazy thought that he can still live through me. Umm..no! That door has been closed a long time ago!
For anyone that doesn't really know the background of that relationship, it was a lot of abuse and bullshit. That pretty much sums it up.
So on top of my own mental health issues, I got to deal with his unstable mental ass as well. If I could, I'd rather not.
He's not the only abuser. There are others before him that I clearly will experience side effects from as well.
But thanks to all that bullshit, and trauma, I have become more sensitive to the energy around me, and I've become extremely empathetic. It's a gift, a painful gift to bear, but still a rare gift.
Not only that, but it has taught me to respect myself, that I deserve respect and to be treated better than the way any of my abusers have treated me. So I am intolerant to abuse, and disrespect. I use the power and control wheel to protect myself. If anyone displays any of those behaviors, yeah, bye!
It's too bad more people in this world don't do that, because then they'd realize that they too are being abused by their elitists, their leaders, the 1%. Through the years I've learned that abuse isn't just a personal problem of mine, it's a global issue. Thanks to media, for numbing us to violence, we tend to think it's normal and okay. This is the way it's meant to be, but it's not. – Pooks
"Our society tends to regard as a sickness any mode of thought or behavior that is inconvenient for the system and this is plausible because when an individual doesn't fit into the system it causes pain to the individual as well as problems for the system."
– Theodore Kaczynski
Time to start thinking about what to write, this is my last blog post of 2014. I know, I promised a gratitude list, as well as a new years resolution…I'll get to it.
I don't really have much to write about if I write about this past week. I mean, I didn't see my children for the holidays as I had thought I would. I thought I would see them on the 27th, and they would be over for the weekend. But yeah…holiday hours. Merrymount was closed. The exchange didn't happen. So yeah, it was a very quiet Christmas. But I guess all that quiet time gave me an opportunity to be creative, in numerous ways. Not to mention, plenty of rest. I will see my children January 3ird though, and it will be awesome.
Now it's time to show you what I have been doing. I'll start off with a poem I wrote. Go to the link provided here if you're interested in reading it. http://pooks82.weebly.com/pooks-poetry/see-with-your-eyes-closed
I also updated part of that website, the Photos of the Artist section, and added a Flashback Gallery. Which kinda gives you a glimpse into my past. You may notice a lot of the other faces have been edited and blurred out. But it's symbolic in a way, bringing forth the neglected child into the spotlight. The only other person that is not blurred out would be my birth mother, Elizabeth King. My roots from which I came from. http://pooks82.weebly.com/photos-of-the-artist/flashback-gallery
I also did this painting that I called "Round Dance." I attempted to do this abstract piece, that was experimenting with colour theory, mixing colours. The only colours I had to use were yellow and navy blue. Any variation in colour would have to be mixed between the two. So I was getting different shades of blue, and green. A lime colour, army green, even a greyish colour. It was very tedious trying to paint with the crappy brush I was using. My lines were getting sloppy, and for a perfectionist, that drives me insane! So I took it in a different direction, and added white paint. Painting with a bottle cap. I also added india ink, and let it drip freely as I flipped it around to get the ink moving. I recall using an old business card to swipe and swoosh with. You can kinda see my frustration in the piece. Haha! It turned out pretty cool though. Even though most of my green colours have been covered up by the layers. Some of the white paint mixed in with the india ink as it was drying. So watching the transformation was quite fascinating.
What else? Oh yeah. I take a lot of "selfies", and have fun with photo editors. In this case, I played with this thought of meeting myself. The dark side of myself meets the light side of myself. Kinda like a Yin Yang image, but through a self-portrait. That was fun. Dress up one way, make up, hair, clothes, and what not for one shot. Then change again, different clothes, different make up for another shot, just to represent two sides of myself. I kinda wanted to capture that androgynous appeal I have as well. Then the magic begins. The photo editing and combining two separate images into one. The whole process must have taken me hours. But I did it. Voila! The masterpiece!
So yeah, that kinda displays some of what I have been up to. On to a gratitude list. I'll start off with I'm grateful for all this spare time I had to create whatever my lil heart desires.
Now for a 2014 review…
I am grateful for…
…. my children and their love.
.. Well I think it's obvious, is for those friendships that have come and gone. It's been an awakening, and made me more grateful for those that do stick with me throughout my journey despite whatever I think or say. Offensive or not. I'm also grateful that they don't try to take advantage of my time, or hold me responsible for someone I am not even responsible for.
… soup, and potatoes. some of muh fave foods.
… Merrymount. At the beginning of the year my visits changed from 2 hours to 7 hours. Then they changed to weekends. Every third Friday is a 4 hour visit and exchanges are elsewhere. My ex and I did try to do exchanges on our own for a while, that didn't work out because of trust and communication issues. So thank Merrymount for taking us back on, and keeping everyone safe.
… the time and experience I had volunteering at The Arts Project, and the Ark Aid Street Mission. The Arts Project surrounds me with the art community, and environment, I love it. As for The Ark, oh wow. Have I ever grown and changed a lot since I first attended that place. My perspectives have changed, especially towards those experiencing poverty and homelessness. I find myself defending the homeless to this day against judgement and labels. They too are people.
… running into people I have volunteered with, and they recognize me, and stop to say hi. That's cool.
… my neighbors and the numerous times they've helped me out. Either shoveling my path, or helping me out with sugar or smokes. Even mowing my front lawn a couple times.
… all the art shows I got to be a part of. Most of those experiences wouldn't be if it weren't for Jeremy Jeresky. He's like a manager that way to the New School of colour artists. I guess he practically had to beg to get my painting into Up with Art 2014. Glad he did though, and it got in, because my art actually sold this year and it helped raise money for The Unity Project! Yaaaay!
…for all the people who have bought my art throughout the year. Including my "Brainwasher" oil painting. A painting that took me forever to complete.
… silly moments where I can laugh at myself.
… that I am true and as honest I am. That I am as expressive as I am, even if some people get disturbed by it. I keep it real.
… Food Not Bombs. I enjoyed their vegan meals a few times this year. Including Christmas Eve, and before the Santa Clause Parade
… being adventurous and spontaneous. Halloween, what a freakin night! Haha! Having a blast with complete strangers.
… Completing the Intro to Sociology Summer Intermission coarse at UWO. Even with the anxiety. Kudo's! Bravo! Bravo! At least I got away with one credit before I got the boot due to "mental health." Nyeh nyeh! 😛
… writing a book! Which I had always dreamed of doing. A collection of my art, artist statements, poetry, blog posts, etc…all rolled into one. I might do a continuation on that.
… water balloon fights with my children, and the other messy things we do. Get into food colouring…paint… walks through mud…Haha! They really bring out my inner-child. They bring out the best in me.
… all the summer festivals in London. Seriously, part of the reason why I love summer so much is because of the festivals and activities.
… the rain, and the numerous times I got rained on like a lil' flower. Haha!
…the continuous learning. Even though I am no longer in school, I educate myself. And as I said before, there are places forming here in London, Free Schools, for the anti- capitalists, activists, anarchists, peace keepers, etc.
…being strong enough to dust myself off after that recent online Idle No More incident. I was feeling rather depressed, and losing faith in humanity. But like a long distant friend had said to me; "The world needs you." Thank her for that. I'm not sure what for, but I do have a purpose here. My life is my message.
…My Leads worker. The workers I've had at Leads have all been amazing.
… my OW worker. Even though we got off to a rough start, I think we have gotten to a point where there's respect. I think we understand better where we're both coming from.
… my inspirations. H.R Giger, Salvador Dali, and a huge inspiration this year; Marilyn Manson
…being in touch with my biological family on FB. Apparently they are just as silly as me. It must run in the fam. Haha!
… the conservation areas in London. Sometimes it's a nice getaway from the concrete jungle.
… for the days I do wake up early, and for those nights I do stay up late. It varies. I'm grateful for both.
… my numerous skills and talents. I'm not entirely sure how to incorporate them into society. But when it comes to creating for my own personal fun, I can do some amazing shit.
I'll leave it as that for now when it comes to my gratitude list for 2014. I could keep going, but this blog post would clearly just go on and on. By doing that, I can see I had a pretty good year. Even if it did have some rough patches. I will make my 2015 awesome, wherever it takes me.
I don't really have plans for New Years. I was supposed to be sitting here typing, but nope. I woke up early today and got an early start on this. I might go to a documentary film screening today around 5pm. That would give me something to do. But as for New Year celebrations…I don't normally do anything.
My New Years Resolution…should be a goal that won't lead to disappointment. Hm…To continue to become more Pooks, and what I think she is. Create more, write more, paint more, fight more for my beliefs and values, learn and grow more. That I believe I can do. So on that note, kiss 2014 good bye, and bring on 2015! I'm ready. – Pooks
"With rebellion, awareness is born." – Albert Camus
I know that it was suggested that maybe I should write about the police brutality going on in the world. But yeah, everybody else is doing that. Heck, it's all over FB. And this blog is for the people that actually want to know what goes on in my head. So yeah, I'm gonna write about whatever the fuck I want. Whatever comes to mind. If you don't approve, tough shit. These are my thoughts, and I take full responsibility for them.
It seems like a lot of these supposed suggestions or constructive criticism, if you want to call it that, just kind of belittles what I'm doing. Note, I don't take criticism lightly. I tend to take things personally because I analyze and think over what has been said after the fact. How does this criticism make me feel afterward? Do I feel good about it? Lately… no. That is not the case. My art for example, you "should" paint it like this. You can't see what I envision in my head so stop trying to take control and power over my shit, and worry about your own shit. That includes this blog. That's like telling me what to think, because that's what this is basically, a narration of my thoughts.
It seems like people try so hard to be the one to direct me. Maybe you can't. Maybe I'm just too fucked up. I don't know. I think it's insulting. And if they're not doing that, they're trying to do so discreetly, by using my blog as their form of resource. These are my thoughts, fuck off will ya?! It's not illegal to think, so stop acting like it. Live your own damn life. Geez! It's like the people that try to do this, are often people that don't even have their own life in order. So yeah, fuck off!
Anyway, onto other drama, yesterday at The Ark, I sat down for dinner with a group of friends. At least I thought they were my friends. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I haven't really been considered a part of their group for awhile now. I don't know. Anyway, I was sitting there talking to the guy beside me as he showed me his electronics. And the woman in the scooter that has been going to The Ark for years now, she was showing her craft stuff. So I started shooting off ideas. Making suggestions of possible future projects she could do. If anything, I was just trying to inspire her. And what does she do?? Oh everybody is too fuckin happy, time to cry and make it a pity party focused on her. And she snaps at me. What the fuck? I sure as hell didn't deserve that. That was uncalled for. And if you ask me, I think she's a manipulative, controlling, cunt. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. It's like I can't laugh around her. If I make others laugh, she will turn it into a moment where it's about her. A time to be sad for her. I cannot stand that. I cannot stand people like that. So yeah, I got up, skipped my meal, and left the table. Fuck her bullshit!
You'd think she'd be happy for her friends are happy. Nope. Not her. That's not allowed. You can only be happy when she's happy. And I hate seeing my friends joy and laughter be robbed like that. But I guess that's what they prefer. Good riddance then.
Today, I seen that someone I thought was a friend of mine since 2011 deleted me off of Facebook. Thanks, that says a lot of what kind of friend you are. So I deleted every picture I ever took of her over the years, and blocked her and her little group of friends, and her boyfriend. Obviously, I'm not a part of that group. Thanks for letting me know. Don't I feel fuckin stupid for ever thinking I was?!
I don't think I did anything wrong. But clearly Ducky seems to think so. I mean yeah, I expressed my frustration on FB regarding this other woman, not mentioning any names. I believe I'm allowed to do that. But once again, I'm shown, oh no no no, I'm not. Not like many people knew what the fuck, or who the fuck I was talking about. I guess it was too offensive for her pathetic sensitive little eyes, even though it's not directed at her. Fuckin pathetic. It's regarding this other woman she's friends with, that clearly has a problem with me. I can't do shit with out her bitching and complaining about it. But whatever, she supports this other friend, and not me, that couldn't be made anymore apparent.
So the Christmas ritual is out of the question, that thing we did for a couple of years now. Gathering around Christmas for dinner, I am out. I'm not gonna go. Why go somewhere and celebrate with a fake ass friend? She's more supportive to this manipulative bitch, then she is towards me. So yeah, fuck her. Fuck their Christmas dinner, Fuck going to the Vendors Fair at EVAC to support her craft shit. My Ducky shrine is going in the trash. If you can easily turn your back on a friendship like that, then yeah, your shit is trash to me.
No point in keeping in touch with Ducky's circle of friends. No need to make it awkward for anyone else. So yeah, good-bye.
I have trouble maintaining friendships as is. This whole socializing thing is like a crash coarse to me. Note I was isolated majority of my life. So excuse me if I notice shit, and don't understand why you do what you do to each-other. There is a reason I call myself an alien. I observe, and wonder what the fuck?! Or maybe I just like people less and less, I don't know. I don't like the controlling type, I don't like the manipulative type, I don't like people that just try to take advantage… I don't like needy, selfish people. I prefer no restraints, especially after getting out of two abusive relationships, one followed by another. Probably why I haven't moved on into a new intimate relationship. I flat out don't trust people. How the fuck can I?!
And that's the thing…when I look at the bigger picture, it's like 99% of the worlds population is being abused by the 1%. Now I already know that you cannot force someone out of that kind of "relationship". Been there, tried that, on a more micro personal level. Doesn't work. The person, or people, in this case have to be ready and willing. And unfortunately, a lot of the people are too scared to rise up. They fear the "consequence". They fear the change. So yeah, majority of the population are cowards. They've been scared shitless by the people in power, all they do is hide in their homes.
That may be another thing. I have been changing over the years, I think my perspectives have altered in a way where I have been socializing more with activists that share the same concerns. So, maybe I have been drifting away from that circle of "friends", and moving onto …something else.
This journey, wherever the fuck it's taking me, can get pretty damn lonely sometimes. People don't understand where the fuck I'm coming from. And even though I do feel alone sometimes, I know there are other people out there that can relate. It can feel hopeless and depressing at times.
I understand now that I am not the only one that experiences anxiety and depression by the outside world. It's only natural to feel that way being forced into a system that only benefits the wealthy. The wealthy will try to stigmatize that, only because we aren't delusional believing in their false illusions of their made-up world. We can see shit for what it really is. So the way I see it, there is nothing wrong with us, there is something wrong with them. They fooled themselves into thinking that this is the way it's meant to be, and we are realizing that it's bullshit.
You want me to rant about cops when I have not had any personal experience?! Thank goodness. Let's hope that never happens, especially the way things are going, or have been going longer than we realize. All I have to go by is what you tell me, and the shit load of disturbing videos I see on FB. It's a bit of a conflict for me. My Uncle was a cop, and yeah, I should be proud of that. But when I see that the majority of the people being beaten or killed by the police are people of colour, that tends to make it difficult to be proud of my Uncles past employment. He is retired now. But it just makes me think. How long has this been going on? Does it just seem more regular because of how easily things can spread worldwide through the web these days? I don't think so. Something tells me this has been going on for longer than we think, we just weren't as aware. Why is it the moment these officers put on a uniform, they forget that they too are human as well? Their just doing their job, right? The shit people do for money is stupid. Forget humanity, compassion, and empathy, leave your heart at home. Seriously, the shit all over social media of our officers not protecting and serving the people, more like beating and killing the people, is disturbing , discriminating and shouldn't go on ignored. Why is it legal to do this? Why do cops get away with beating women, and men? Better yet, why do they get away with murder?
It's that fuckin delusional division of social classes again. The higher you supposedly are, the more you get away with apparently. Money. I fuckin hate that shit. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't make you any better or privileged than any other human being. Get over yourselves, you fuckin nut cases! You're still a human being, like it or not. You are as human as the next coloured person you see, the next homeless person you see, the next child, elder, gay, straight, female or male, so on and so forth You're not that different. You do however have your own unique gift to offer to the world, but thanks to this fucked up system, you'd be lucky to even share that because you're a slave to that selfish 1%. You allow them to continue to use, and abuse you for their own benefits.
As for the police uniforms, they seem to symbolize power, and yeah, officers are getting carried away and abusing that power. Maybe we should strip them and remind them they are human. But that idea probably would get people arrested for sexual assault, and the message wouldn't get through. So screw that. It's just a thought. And now it's out there. Maybe it'll get some of these people to actually think for a change.
But then again, as a native woman, it seems as though that I can't trust the police, especially if that's the way they are going to treat people of colour. I can't trust doctors (they'll accuse you of being a crackhead, when you really have a breast infection, and call C.A.S on your ass. That is a personal experience.), I cannot trust C.A.S ( Modern day residential schools if you ask me. Taking children away from their native roots) , the churches, the educational system, or any organization within the system. They are not here for me, they're against me. At least, that's what I have come to understand.
Newho, Getting sidetracked… I know, people would rather read about my personal life, rather than what i see out there. Whatever. I'm gonna write about whatever. And it will probably bounce around from thought to thought, because that's just how my mind works. Deal with it.
With my efforts to socialize, and make friends, I struggle with the drama of other peoples lives. I don't burden people with mine, but I guess not all people are like that. I don't want my friends to suffer because I am suffering. I'm the kind of person that would rather make an effort to make people laugh, despite whatever fuckin shit I may be going through. That's for me to figure out. And people say I'M SELFISH?! HA!! Maybe they need to look up that definition again.
So yeah…more bridges burned. Can't really say I am the least bit surprised. I should be used to it by now. People come, and people go, as always. Very few stick around.
I'm not exactly the most popular, well liked person. I tend to make a lot of enemies at a rapid pace. Popularity was never my intention anyways. Although this identity as Pooks (the writer and artist) seems to be becoming well known more and more. Thank you by the way. I didn't really think I was that interesting, but for some reason people read this, and follow.
So yeah, another shift in life. Wondering who the fuck really are my friends? And who isn't? Some proven not to be. Thank you for that. Life has a funny way of altering out of the blue. – Pooks


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