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As a part of the implementation of the Integrated Financial Management System (IFMS) and to simplify treasury bill preparation and processing, Government introduced a centralized bill preparation system named BiMS( Bill Information and Management System Bill Informations and Management System (BiMS) . It is an e-Bill portal for Claim Settlements by Drawing and Disbursing Officers (DDOs). The DDO's can prepare Contingent Bills TR 59E and e-Submit to Treasury .Drawing and Disbursing Officers(DDOs) can access the system through username and password. This application shall be used for preparation of bills relating to non employee claims on anology to preparation of employee related bills using SPARK application.Presentation on preparation of contingency bills in BiMS is given below. Sheni school blog team congratulate Sri Purushothaman O K ,District Co-ordinator ,District Treasury- Kasargode for preparing this presentation
Click here to download Presentation


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A Map and Numbers: Appalachian Trail / East Coast Hike & Bike
Blue is my bike route down to Georgia, white is the AT, red is my bike route back to CT. Click on map and zoom in for more detail. The bike routes are my actual GPS tracks using my Garmin Forerunner 410 watch. The AT GPX files are courtesy of www.guymott.com. I wasn't willing to carry my watch and deal with keeping it charged while hiking.
Mile 2189.2
As expected, New Hampshire and Maine are the hardest and most beautiful sections of the AT, by quite a bit, I think. Lots of the sections looked familiar, and I remember my dad and I slogging up some of those ridiculously steep rocky trails with 40-50 lb packs when I was a teenager. My pack was much lighter, but still the terrain seemed just as hard. Probably because I got used to being able to hike at 3 mph doing 20-25 miles/day. I felt like we were moving at a snail's pace, which didn't really matter except for the psychological component of progressing slower.
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One of the blogs I enjoy reading, http://gracefulretirement.blogspot.com/, had a post about a recent Wall Street Journal http://online.wsj.com/article/SB1000142405274870395960457615... on the shortfall in baby boomer retirement accounts. The article suggests being prepared for retirement means having about 85% of your working income and boomers are failing miserably. The comments to this article are interesting, and like Grace, many readers assert you DO NOT need 85% of your working income in retirement. And while I mostly agree, in reality, it depends.
There are far too many factors to consider in retirement for any specific figure or percentage to apply to most people. Before retiring, it's critical to understand your unique financial picture, but many people put off even thinking about retirement until it is almost too late. Over the years, I've talked to many people in their 40s and 50s who have not done any retirement planning whatsoever. Even sadder are people in their 60s who are "ready" and want to retire but can't because their finances are not quite where they need to be. The recent economic downturn has been bad for many, but especially bad if you've put off retirement planning and really want/need to retire.
Not only is it important to understand how much income will be at your disposal, but also what issues might impact your income. People with defined benefit pensions (e.g., teachers, state employees, police/firemen, etc.) have reliable, guaranteed monthly incomes based on a formula (e.g., years of service X age factor X highest salary). Some people will rely solely on Social Security, while others will depend on a combination of sources such as Social Security, company pensionS, 401k/457 accounts, and/or savings and investments. If retirement income is invested in stocks or real estate, market fluctuations will have an impact on cash flow. Taxes can be an unpleasant surprise if you are not prepared and will impact your net income.
In addition to understanding projected retirement income, you need to estimate your expenses. I estimated on the high side... and factored in 4% annually for inflation. If you will have a mortgage, higher medical expenses (e.g., insurance), plan to travel, or undertake expensive hobbies, even 85% of your pre-retirement income may not be enough. In my case, I am spending 3 times as much as I used to on travel. We also eat out more and spend more on entertainment and leisure activities than before retirement. We even spend more on groceries now that my dh tags along. But we still manage to live below our means.
In 2008, I retired with ~46% of my pre-retirement gross income, but since I am no longer contributing the max to 403b and 457 plans, nor do I have work-related expenses, I can live comfortably on this. The bottom line: my retirement net income is ~99% of my net working income because I planned it this way. However, before retiring I never spent anywhere close to 85% of my gross or net income so retiring was an easy adjustment, financially. It helped that a few years before retiring, I estimated my pension benefits, practiced living within that income and saved the rest.
Before deciding to retire, I formulated a budget that included a "retirement enjoyment" category. Travel, entertainment, dining out, and basically, everything that's a want vs. a need went into this line item. I didn�t want to spend the next 25-30 years home-bound, unable to do the things I dreamed about because of an inadequate income, so I planned accordingly. It meant making choices such as http://financiallyfree2bme.savingadvice.com/2008/05/28/down..., creating a realistically padded budget, and having an emergency fund to address the unexpected.
Retirement, no matter whether at 47 or 67, can be everything you want it to be if you understand your priorities, set goals, and make a plan to achieve them. The sooner you start, the better your chances of retiring when you are ready.
How Much Will You Need to Retire?
One of the blogs I enjoy reading, http://gracefulretirement.blogspot.com/, had a post about a recent Wall Street Journal http://online.wsj.com/article/SB1000142405274870395960457615... on the shortfall in baby boomer retirement accounts. The article suggests being prepared for retirement means having about 85% of your working income and boomers are failing miserably. The comments to this article are interesting, and like Grace, many readers assert you DO NOT need 85% of your working income in retirement. And while I mostly agree, in reality, it depends.
8 Responses to "How Much Will You Need to Retire?"
February 25th, 2011 at 08:35 amGreat post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I haven't started thinking seriously about retirement yet, so I need all the help I can get.
February 25th, 2011 at 08:51 am...
February 25th, 2011 at 08:51 amMy spouse staying home has been an invaluable lesson for us. Our finances have changed SO MUCH in one decade, it is mind boggling. (The main and most pressing example - health insurance went from $1k per year to $15k at current. Only took a few years to make that leap though).
As such, when we retire, I know we will be ultra conservative. Whereas once I might have been idealistic and thought we could retire at 50, now I really have no desire to. I don't think it's worth the risk. If we live to 100 (like some of our relatives had), I appreciate the impossibility of planning for all costs - 50 years ahead of time. 10 years has been trying, as is. Everything we have control over is fine and dandy. It's the stuff we can't control. Ouch!
I know this is why my parents have misgivings about their unexpected/unplanned early retirement, though they are mostly well prepared. My dad told me 1/3 of his income to savings/retirement, 1/3 to taxes, and they live on 1/3. They are living on 1/3 of his wages from when he last worked, which is fine and dandy for them. For the long run, social security will give them another 25% or so, putting them at about 60% total. That said, they have a house they could sell, move anywhere, buy a home, and pocket several hundred thousand dollars. So, I know they will be fine. That said, they are conservative and wanted to save a little more. They are also facing the possibility of $30k per year health insurance premiums, for several years between COBRA and Medicare. They are 59 now - my dad was disabled/laid off 2 years ago. Before his health issues he told me he felt ready to retire but couldn't figure out the healthcare.
I may lean heavily towards home ownership because of our parents' experiences. Dh's grandma sold her little house (low, unfortunately). She rents in a retirement community in Santa Clara. It's a shack, but the rent is $30k per year and growing. Goes up every single year. I have often thought she was better off keeping her house (or downsizing) and hiring a chef and a maid. OF course, any one of us would take her (2 daughters, any of her grandkids), but she wants to be independent for as long as possible. We've got a spare room we'd give her for free. SHe's almost 90.
February 25th, 2011 at 08:54 amP.S. Taxes will make ALL The difference. For anyone considering retirement, it is probably worth a tax consultation to make sure you know what you are getting into.
I have a LOT of retired state workers (clients) with hefty pensions and social security. Their tax hit in INSANE. You have to factor taxes in these type situations. Too often people have a false sense that their taxes will be lower in retirement. Um, not true in MANY Cases.
My dad being forced into early retirement? Tax hit, zero. Until social security kicks in, anyway. Thus, he can get away with living on far less. Living off investments is tax favorable to pensions.
For now anyway. The tax code also changed every 5 minutes, which makes it hard to plan.
Petunia 100
February 25th, 2011 at 09:52 amI enjoy Grace's blog too!
February 25th, 2011 at 10:01 amI do not intend to retire. I will die working if I ever get a job. I am 53 years old and have been unemployed for the past 3 years. I have used my "time off" to finish a degree so I will become more employable. Due to health problems of both myself and my husband plus low wage jobs in the past we have little savings to retire with. We are currently using what savings we have just to meet our monthly expenses. I have been applying for both full and part time jobs but have not had even one interview.
February 25th, 2011 at 03:03 pmGreat post. You also have to consider jobs that you once did around the house that you may not (because of traveling or disability) be able to do. Painting, yard work, basic electrical problems,etc. You also have to think about you as a loner, without your husband and the impact it would have on your finances.
February 25th, 2011 at 07:19 pmI wanna be you when I retire. (Of course it would help if I spoke Spanish!) I love all the traveling you've managed to do. Thanks for the mention.


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One of the most prolific and public car collectors in North America would have to be Jay Leno. With hundreds of cars that he drives stored in his "Big Dog Garage," Leno is the envy of car nuts around the world.
But now it seems he has some competition...sort of.
Joe DiNovo, an 84-year-old retiree from outside Chicago, has a collection of over 23,000 Matchbox cars that he has accrued over the last 50 years, according to the Chicago Sun Times.
It seems the collection started purely by accident. In his spare time, DiNovo would sell model trains and toy cars at trade shows. When cars did not sell, he would bring them home and put them in display cases in his basement.
Over time, the collection grew and grew until it reached its current massive size.
The Sun Times reports that DiNovo's wife has decreed that one corner of the basement remain free of cars so she has easy access to the laundry area.
Collecting these Matchbox cars seems to be DiNovo's vice. He told the Sun Times that he doesn't "drink, smoke, or womanize." This is his little hobby that keeps him occupied.
Take a walk into his collection below:


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12:30 pm Fall Flavors Tour
October 11, 2018 @ 12:30 pm - 3:00 pm
Event Navigation
Requirements/restrictions: Lutsen Resort Guests.
What to bring/wear: Clothing for the weather, cash for any interest in tasty souvenirs.
We provide: Transportation to unique area operations to see how they work, meet the owners, and hope to sample fruits of their labor.
Tour description: Northern Minnesota has beautiful landscapes, and in our small communities we have hard-working wonderful people. We'll make stops by Fika Coffee, Wild Country Maple Syrup, and Caribou Cream to see just what they're up to this time of year.
Cancellations: Must be cancelled 24 hours prior to tour start. **A $10 dollar fee/no-show fee will be charged to a guest reservation for each spot unable to be filled by guests on the waitlist.


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It's Easter time. The time when we traditionally celebrate the resurrection. No, not that Resurrection. I mean the resurrection of the tale told in meme form to your left. I have seen variations of this idiotic devangelical meme approximately 927,314 times over the years. Let me make this clear, so clear that even you people that think Seth MacFarlane is deep can understand; NO, the Easter celebration is not borrowed from some celebration devoted to Ishtar and no, Ishtar does not give Easter its name in the way you think.
Of course, I am being very liberal in my use of the word "think," here, because very little actual thinking goes into this sort of propaganda. Or, very little goes into its evaluation. The producers might think about this nonsense in marketing terms, but that's about all. The "deconverted" buy these fairy tales hook, line, and sinker. But then, devangelicals are an easily manipulated lot: witness the growing popularity of the Sunday Assembly movement, whose geniuses have gotten devangelicals to go to church to celebrate… a brief meaningless existence? The original author of this meme is obviously American, because only an American would be stupid enough to think that the holiday is universally known by its English name, even though English was centuries in the future when the holiday was first celebrated.
The photo is just one more "Just So Story" for atheists. We will tackle this problem point-by-point, starting with the obvious one: Easter is the English name of the holiday, not the universal one. Romans knew nothing of Easter (no, not even the evil Constantine). In Latin the name of the holiday derived from the Greek transliteration of the Hebrew word for the Passover; Pesach, which became Pascha in Greco-Roman Europe.
This is seen throughout the Romance languages: Pascua in Spanish, Pasqua in Italian, Páscoa in Portuguese, Pâques in French, and Paşti in Romanian. It is no different in the other western and central European languages: it's Pasg in British, Pask in Breton, Cáisc in the Gaelics (no P in Gaelic), Påske in the Scandinavian languages, Pasen in Dutch, Pashka in Albanian and Russian, Páskar in Icelandic, etc.. These names are not remotely related to the name Ishtar. (You can verify the holiday names by simply going to the Google Translator and typing in "Easter" in the English section and then serial translating it into various languages.)
In many of the Slavic languages the holiday is known as The Great Day or The Great Night, save only Serbo-Croatian, where it's Resurrection Day (Uskrs in the Croat, and Vaskrs in the Serbian), and Russian (as previously noted). Among the Great Night variants we have Wielkanoc in Polish, Velikonoce in Czech, and Veľkánoc in Slovakian. Among the Great Day variants we have Velykden in the Ukrainian, Velikden in the Bulgarian and Vyalikdzyen in the Belarusian. None of these are remotely related to the name Ishtar.
Of course, English, as a Germanic language (the Anglo-Saxon dialect is closely related to Old High German), adopted the Germanic habit of possibly naming the holiday for an ancient Germanic goddess Ostara, Oestre, Eástre, whatever (the holiday is Ostern in the various dialects of German, but we'll return to this presently). So in ancient Anglo-Saxon the word for Easter was Eostre or Eastre and that word held in England even after the Norman conquest (though obviously it did not catch on in the British/Gaelic speaking sections of the British Isles). So the words are etymologically linked through the name of the (long-forgotten) central Asian (Proto-Indo-European) deity that gave its name to both Ishtar and Ostara/Oestre/Eástre/whatever, but this only happens in some of the Germanic languages (as neither the Dutch nor the Norse named the holiday for the Mysterious Goddess™).
Now, can we all agree that the holiday is pretty clearly linked to the Hebrew Passover holiday as the traditional setting for the Crucifixion? A show of hands? Oh God, I see some of you still insist on arguing.
"But, E.H., Peter Cottontail and Easter eggs, ZOMG!!!!"
The hare was an ancient Germanic symbol of spring (amongst other cultures, hares are fertile and most active in early spring, and spring fertility celebrations weren't uncommon). As Christianity took hold amongst the Germanic tribes of central Europe the Spring Hare became the Easter Hare (Osterhase). Again, these traditions are strictly Germanic. Neither the Romans nor Greeks knew aught of the Easter Bunny. He was more than a millennium into the future. The Easter Bunny as Lutherans knew him dates to the 14th century or so and medieval Germans knew little of the ancient Babylonian Ishtar. Of course, the Germanic traditions spread to England via the Anglo-Saxon conquest in the middle of the first millennium and later after England selected a German king in the 18th century. Ultimately, England spread its traditions to the planet (look sometime at a map of the British empire in the late 19th century). At the very least they spread them to the US where Hallmark spread them everywhere.
The Easter Bunny would likely be a footnote if not for American greeting cards. German immigrants brought the Easter Hare to Pennsylvania in the 18th century and in true American fashion cardmakers remade the stern, Lutheran Osterhase into the warm, cuddly Easter Bunny. However, the Easter Hare tradition didn't have as much luck elsewhere. German Lutherans also brought the tradition to Sweden with them in the 19th century, but somewhere along the way of translating Osterhase to the Swedish Påskharen the latter got garbled into Påskkarlen, which would be Easter Wizard in English. Honestly the Easter Wizard sounds a lot more fun. A real missed opportunity there. Good job, good effort, America.
This would become a moot point in the 1950s with an American children's book about Peter Cottontail, an ensuing Gene Autry hit song about the character and then the famous holiday cartoon they made of it (repeating the pattern established with Santa's most famous reindeer). So, in truth, the bunny as a universal Easter symbol is less than a century old. Now, while I am neither confirming nor denying the existence of the super secret order of time traveling Catholic monks that devangelicals are always on the hunt for (after all, I might be one of them, you never know…), I can tell you that they didn't bring Constantine into the 20th century.
"OK fine, so screw the Easter Bunny, but you can't deny it's a spring celebration, wise guy."
In the first centuries of the new faith the holiday was celebrated on the third day after Passover (meaning that in the early years Easter was not always a Sunday). This led to a problem, because basing the date on the day of Pesach required priests to know the Hebrew calendar (the Hebrew calendar is lunar, unlike the Roman/Gregorian one, which is solar, so they don't sync). At the Council of Nicea, to simplify the calculation and to differentiate the Christian holiday from the Hebrew one, they chose another way to calculate the date. Starting in the 4th century it became the first Sunday after the first full moon following the vernal equinox (also known as the Paschal Moon, no doubt thanks to Ishtar). Because everyone could calculate that.
The History of this Particular Meme
A more interesting question than any of these might be, just where did people get these notions? After all, despite the confident assertion of this meme photo, Ishtar's symbols weren't bunnies and eggs and she wasn't a fertility goddess, per se. Ishtar was the goddess of love and war. How are we sure that Ishtar and Ostara/Oestre/Eástre, whatever are linked? Just where does this claim that all these traditions trace back to the German cognate of Ishtar originate? The question turns out to have an utterly delightful answer.
What do we know about Ostara, Oestre, Eástre, whatever? Well, honestly, nothing. We only know that there was such a goddess because the great Anglo-Saxon historian Bede mentioned Eástre in passing in his eighth century history of England as giving her name to the month of April.
So what other source do we have for this mysterious German fertility goddess that is the true source of Easter? Jacob Grimm. Yes, the fairy tale writer. (So much for atheists not believing in fairy tales.) He deduced that based upon the similarity between Eástre and the word for east in Anglo-Saxon that the German equivalent (to Eástre) would be Ostara, and that since Eástre was a spring goddess, she must've been a fertility goddess (which seems a logical enough deduction).
From this modest starting point, however, Jacob Grimm went to town, baby. Here's a little nugget from volume one of his German Mythology:
Ostara, Eástre seems therefore to have been the divinity of the radiant dawn, of upspringing light, a spectacle that brings joy and blessing, whose meaning could be easily adapted to the resurrection-day of the Christian's God. Bonfires were lighted at Easter, and according to a popular belief of long standing, the moment the sun rises on Easter Sunday morning, he gives three joyful leaps, he dances for joy (Superst. 813). Water drawn on the Easter morning, is like that at Christmas, holy and healing (Superst. 775. 804); here also heathen notions seem to have grafted themselves on great Christian festivals. Maidens clothed in white, who at Easter, at the season of returning spring, show themselves in clefts of the rock and mountains, are suggestive of the ancient goddess.
Not content with these inventions, he began pulling fertilizer from the refuse chute. Here's another bit from volume two:
But if we admit, goddesses, then, in addition to Nerthus, Ostara has the strongest claim to consideration. To what we said on p. 290 I can add some significant facts. The heathen Easter had much in common with May-feast and the reception of spring, particularly in matter of bonfires. Then, through long ages there seem to have lingered among the people Easter-games so-called, which the church itself had to tolerate: I allude especially to the custom of Easter eggs, and to the Easter tale which preachers told from the pulpit for the people's amusement, connecting it with Christian reminiscences.
Do those look familiar to you? And from Grimm's wild guesses, a new goddess was born. And boy have people built atop his airy foundation (to the extent that they've created alternate authentic spellings of the name of a goddess that didn't survive in writing). So, how did Grimm's wild guesses get to become "facts"? Well, repetition. After all, the Brothers Grimm were considered experts on mythology in the early 19th century, so if Jacob Grimm said it, it must be true, right?
The problem is, of course, that we don't really know whether there was an Ostara and the only surviving trace of such a goddess is in an eighth century history written by a Catholic monk. There are no rituals, no symbols, no practices. Just the lonely Ango-Saxon goddess that gave her name to the month of April who was remembered only by the venerable Bede.


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For a variety of reasons, rural migrants have been particularly drawn to Baghdad, the country's political, economic, and communications hub. First, to minimize the danger of riots in the capital city, the Baʿth regime—in addition to a variety of security measures—made special efforts to maintain a minimal level of public services, even in the poorest neighbourhoods. This was especially important after the UN imposed an extended embargo on Iraqi trade in response to Iraq's invasion of Kuwait in 1990, making food rationing more necessary than ever before. Distributing rations was more efficient in the capital area. Second, chances for employment typically have been better in Baghdad than in other cities. This was true as early as the 1930s, when migrants began to move to the city. Since that time, Shīʿite Arabs from the south have been the largest migrant group in the city, a trend that was enhanced during the Iran-Iraq War as many refugees fled the southern war zones. Efforts to limit this influx, and even to reverse it, met with only limited success, and, by the beginning of the 21st century, Shīʿite Arabs represented a majority in the capital. The poor Shīʿite-Arab Al-Thawrah ("Revolution") quarter—known informally since 2003 as Ṣadr City after Muḥammad Ṣādiq al-Ṣadr, a murdered Shīʿite cleric—alone houses more than a million people. Prior to the Iraq War, many Baghdad neighbourhoods contained a mix of Sunnī and Shiʿīte residents. These neighbourhoods became homogeneous as residents moved to safer areas amid the sectarian bloodshed that peaked around 2006. It is estimated that one-fifth of the country's people live in the governorate of Baghdad, almost all of them in the city itself.
It is no coincidence that Baghdad's celebrated predecessors, Babylon and the Sāsānian capital, Ctesiphon, were located in the same general region. Baghdad, itself a city of legend, is located at the heart of what has long been a rich agricultural region, and the modern city is the undisputed commercial, manufacturing, and service capital of Iraq. Its growth, however, has necessitated costly projects, including elaborate flood-prevention schemes completed largely in the 1950s, the rehousing of hundreds of thousands of inhabitants of squalid shantytowns (ṣarīfahs) in the 1960s (and, on a much smaller scale, in 1979–80), and the construction of major domestic water and sewerage projects. The city was damaged during both the Persian Gulf War and the Iraq War and required major reconstruction of all parts of the infrastructure.
Regional centres
Al-Baṣrah, on the west bank of the Shatt al-Arab and formerly Iraq's main port, is the centre of its southern petroleum sector and the hub of the country's date cultivation. One of the great cities of Islamic history and heritage, it was badly damaged and largely depopulated during the Iran-Iraq War and, though partially reconstructed following that conflict, again suffered during the Persian Gulf War and subsequent fighting between Shīʿite rebels and government forces. Much of the city's infrastructure (sewerage and potable water and health care facilities) remained in a state of disarray, with dire results for public health. Al-Baṣrah's function as a port has been taken over by Umm Qaṣr, a small deepwater port on the gulf.
Iraq's third city, though now its second largest in terms of population, is Mosul, which is situated on the Tigris near the ruins of the ancient Assyrian capital of Nineveh. Mosul is the centre for the upper Tigris basin, specializing in processing and marketing agricultural and animal products. It has grown rapidly, partly as a result of the influx of Kurdish refugees fleeing government repression in Iraqi Kurdistan. By the end of the 1990s, Mosul too had suffered from government neglect, and, relative to Baghdad, its infrastructure and health care facilities were in poor condition.
Demographic trends
The population of Iraq is young. About two-fifths of the population are under 15, while two-thirds are under 30. Its birth rate is high, and it has a low death rate due to its much smaller elderly population; less than one-seventh of Iraqis are over the age of 45. Women have a life expectancy of about 76 years, while men's life expectancy is 73.
Iraq has the fourth largest population in the Middle East, after Iran, Egypt, and Turkey. Yet demographic information since 1980 has been difficult to obtain and interpret, and outside observers often have been forced to use estimates. From 1990 a UN embargo on Iraq, which made travel to and from the country difficult, contributed considerably to the lack of information, but most important was the rule of more than 30 years by the Baʿthist regime, which was intent on controlling the flow of information about the country. The former Iraqi government sought to downplay unflattering demographic shifts in its Kurdish and Shīʿite communities while highlighting the effects of the UN embargo on health, nutrition, and overall mortality—particularly among the country's children.
UN studies indicate that general levels of health and nutrition declined markedly after the introduction of the embargo in 1990 and before Iraq accepted the provisions of a UN program in late 1996 that allowed Iraq to sell a set quantity of oil in order to purchase food, medicine, and other human necessities. This situation led to substantial declines in the rates of birth, natural increase, and fertility and a noticeable increase in the death rate. Overall vital statistics in Iraq during the 1990s, however, remained above world averages and by the 21st century had begun to return to their prewar levels.
Because of Iraq's relatively low population density, in the 20th century the government promoted a policy of population growth. The total fertility rate had declined since its peak in the late 1960s. This decline apparently resulted from the casualties of the two major wars—reaching possibly as many as a half million young and early-adult men—and subsequent difficulties related to the UN embargo, as well as an overall sense of insecurity among Iraqis. For the same reasons, it is reckoned that the rate of natural increase, though still high by world standards, had dropped markedly by the mid-1990s before it likewise rebounded.
The associated hardships of the early to mid-1990s and the first decade of the 21st century persuaded a number of Iraqis—at least those who were wealthy enough—to either leave the country or seek haven in the northern Kurdish region, where, thanks to international aid and a freer market, living conditions improved noticeably during the 1990s. Moreover, an estimated one to two million Iraqis—many of them unregistered refugees—fled the country to various destinations (including Iran, Syria, and Jordan) out of direct fear of government reprisal. During the Iraq War, more than 1.6 million Iraqis fled the country, and more than 1.2 million were displaced internally.
Beyond the out-migration of a significant number of Iraqis, the major demographic trends in the country since the 1970s have been forced relocation—particularly of the Iranian population and, more recently, of the Kurds—forced ethnic homogenization, and urbanization. Eastern Iraq has traditionally formed part of a transition zone between the Arab and Persian worlds, and, until the Baʿth regime came to power in 1968, a significant number of ethnic Persians lived in the country (in the same way large numbers of ethnic Arabs reside in Iran). Between 1969 and 1980, however, they—and many Arabs whom the regime defined as Persian—were deported to Iran.
Kurds have traditionally populated the northeast, and Sunni Arabs have traditionally predominated in central Iraq. During the 1980s the Baʿth regime forcibly moved tens of thousands of Kurds from regions along the Iranian border, with many Kurds dying in the process, and subsequently relocated large numbers of Arabs to areas traditionally inhabited by Kurds, particularly in and around the city of Kirkūk. Kurds in those regions have, likewise, been expelled, and many of Iraq's estimated half million internally displaced persons prior to the Iraq War were Kurds. Further, the regime systematically compelled large numbers of Kurds and members of smaller ethnic groups to change their ethnic identity, forcing them to declare themselves Arabs. Those not acquiescing to this pressure faced expulsion, physical abuse, and imprisonment.
Iraqis have been slowly migrating to urban areas since the 1930s. Population mobility and urban growth have, to some extent, created a religious and cultural mix in several large cities, particularly in Baghdad. (There has been little change in the overall ethnic patterns of the country, however, except through instances of forced migration.) Many Kurds have moved either to larger towns in Kurdistan or to larger cities such as Mosul or Baghdad. Few Kurds have moved willingly to the south, where Arab Shīʿites have traditionally predominated. The latter have moved in substantial numbers to larger towns in the south or, particularly during the fighting in the 1980s, to largely Shīʿite neighbourhoods in Baghdad. Sunnis migrating from rural areas have moved mostly to areas of Baghdad with majorities of their ethnic and religious affinities.
From the mid-1970s until 1990, labour shortages drew large numbers of foreign workers, particularly Egyptians, to Iraq; at its height the number of Egyptians may have exceeded two million. Virtually all foreign workers left the country prior to the Persian Gulf War, and few, if any, have returned.
Iraq's economy was based almost exclusively on agriculture until the 1950s, but after the 1958 revolution economic development was considerable. By 1980 Iraq had the second largest economy in the Arab world, after Saudi Arabia, and the third largest in the Middle East and had developed a complex, centrally planned economy dominated by the state. Although the economy, particularly petroleum exports, suffered during the Iran-Iraq War—gross domestic product (GDP) actually fell in some years—the invasion of Kuwait, Iraq's subsequent defeat in the Persian Gulf War, and the UN embargo beginning in 1990 dealt a far greater blow to the financial system. Little hard evidence is available on Iraq's economy after 1990, but the best estimates available indicate that, in the year following the Persian Gulf War, GDP dropped to less than one-fourth of its previous level. Under the UN embargo the Iraqi economy languished for the next five years, and it was not until the Iraqi government implemented the UN's oil-for-food program in 1997 that Iraq's GDP again began to experience positive annual growth.
Following the initial phase (2003) of the Iraq War, the oil-for-food program was ended, sanctions were lifted, and the Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA), made up of civil administrators appointed by the United States, took over Iraq's public sector. International donors pledged billions of dollars in aid for Iraq's reconstruction at a donor conference in Madrid in October 2003. Iraq's huge foreign debt, largely accumulated through heavy war expenditures under Saddam Hussein, was reduced in 2004 when the Paris Club, a group of 19 wealthy creditor nations, agreed to cancel 80 percent of Iraq's $40 billion debt to 19 members.
Oil production and economic development both declined after the start of the Iraq War, and the economy faced serious problems, including the negative impact of continuing violence; a high rate of inflation; an oil sector hampered by a shortage of replacement parts, antiquated production methods, and outdated technology; a high rate of unemployment; a seriously deteriorated infrastructure; and a private sector inexperienced in modern market practices. The CPA was largely unprepared to cope with these challenges, and its handling of the Iraqi economy was marred by mismanagement, poor planning, and waste. American administrators' efforts to quickly implement liberal reforms did little to improve conditions for Iraqis or calm a growing insurgency against U.S. forces.
Under the Iraqi administrations that governed after the dissolution of the CPA in June 2004, reconstruction proceeded unevenly. Relatively secure areas such as the Kurdish region saw quick progress, while most of the country continued to suffer from high unemployment, soaring prices for basic goods, and inadequate access to services. Modest signs of improvement began to appear in 2007 as violence began to decrease. Inflation returned to manageable levels in that year, and in 2009 oil export revenues returned to prewar levels. However, crumbling infrastructure, violence, and corruption continued to weigh down Iraq's recovery.
Economic development
Oil revenues almost quadrupled between 1973 and 1975, and, until the outbreak of the Iran-Iraq War, this enabled the Baʿth regime to set ambitious development goals, including building industry, reducing the quantity of imported manufactured goods, expanding agriculture (though Iraq has not attained self-sufficiency), and increasing significantly its non-oil exports. Investment in infrastructure was high, notably for projects involving irrigation and water supply, roads and railways, and rural electrification. Health services were also greatly improved. War with Iran in the 1980s, however, delayed many projects and heavily damaged the country's physical infrastructure, especially in the southeast, where most of the fighting occurred. There was little reprieve after the war was over, as the Persian Gulf War further devastated Iraq's infrastructure and undid many of the advances of earlier decades. Attacks by the U.S.-led coalition did extensive damage to the communication and energy systems. When electricity failed, other systems were seriously affected, and a lack of spare parts led to further deterioration. In many parts of the country, these conditions persisted into the 21st century and were worsened by the Iraq War.
State control
Under the socialist Baʿth Party, the economy was dominated by the state, with strict bureaucratic controls and centralized planning. Between 1987 and 1990 the economy liberalized somewhat in an attempt to encourage private investment, particularly in small industrial and commercial enterprises, and to privatize unprofitable public assets. Entrepreneurs were encouraged to draw on funds that they had managed to transfer abroad, without threat of government reprisal or interference, and the government was able to divest itself of a number of enterprises. Yet, generally speaking, the privatization policy did not do well, mainly because elements within the bureaucracy and the security service—fearing that this course of action imperiled their interests and obviated socialist policy—objected to it but also because potential investors feared that the government might arbitrarily reverse the plan. In addition, many of the public assets offered for sale were unprofitable. After Iraq invaded Kuwait, the privatization policy died out, though private enterprise continued in the form of small- and medium-sized businesses and light industries.


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Daniel Gaualofa's dedication towards swimming, despite his being born with club feet, has paid off with selection for the Rio Paralympics 2016 development squad.
Gaualofa aims to win gold medals at the Pan Pacific Para-swimming Championships next month, World Championships next year, and to attend the 2016 Rio Paralympics.
His talent and perseverance has paid off in another way, Gaualofa being chosen to receive a Variety Gold Heart Scholarship worth $5000 to help with swimming coach fees, accommodation, travel, and equipment.
The 16-year-old recently attended his first international competition at the NSW Opens in Sydney and has received the AWD Swimmer of the Year Award, been named Northland AWD Athlete of the year, and received sporting honours at Kerikeri High School the principal of which, Elizabeth Forgie, described Gaualofa as being exceptional in his defiance of a disability.
"Daniel has performed at the highest levels in the four cornerstones of balanced education at Kerikeri High School - academic, leadership with service, cultural and, of course, sporting," she said.
Miram Shaw, spokeswoman for Variety - The Children's Charity, said her organisation was proud to help a talented teen from Kerikeri reach his full potential as a swimmer with a scholarship, noting a total of $55,000 such scholarships will be allotted to 17 talented Kiwi kids.


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Covering the Front and Back Pages of the Newspaper
November 3, 2009
RELIGION/POLITICS: The Anti-Catholic Times
Archbishop Dolan, the new Archbishop of New York, takes the gloves off regarding the New York Times' persistent anti-Catholicism and its role in the Left's larger public campaign against the Church (which is not to say that every Democrat is anti-Catholic, but when you encounter virulent hatred of the Catholic Church it's almost always from left-wingers, and when you encounter efforts to use the force of government against the Church, especially its ability to run schools and hospitals consistently with its teachings, it's almost always from the Democrats).
It's worth reading the whole thing. One example he cites is wholly typical of the double standard applied to sex-abuse cases, which the Left would have you believe is primarily a Catholic clergy problem; as Archbishop Dolan notes, this perception is fed mainly by playing up such cases in the Catholic Church while systematically downplaying such cases in other faiths, in the public schools, and elsewhere (contrast the defenders of Roman Polanski and Michael Jackson to the broad-brush treatment of the entire Church commonly meted out by anti-Catholic bigots):
On October 14, in the pages of the New York Times, reporter Paul Vitello exposed the sad extent of child sexual abuse in Brooklyn's Orthodox Jewish community. According to the article, there were forty cases of such abuse in this tiny community last year alone. Yet the Times did not demand what it has called for incessantly when addressing the same kind of abuse by a tiny minority of priests: release of names of abusers, rollback of statute of limitations, external investigations, release of all records, and total transparency. Instead, an attorney is quoted urging law enforcement officials to recognize "religious sensitivities," and no criticism was offered of the DA's office for allowing Orthodox rabbis to settle these cases "internally." Given the Catholic Church's own recent horrible experience, I am hardly in any position to criticize our Orthodox Jewish neighbors, and have no wish to do so . . . but I can criticize this kind of "selective outrage."
As he notes, there remains pending legislation in Albany to repeal the statute of limitations for sex-abuse cases against the Church, and of course - given the near-impossibility of defending such antique cases (this is why we have statutes of limitations in the first place) - this would be financially ruinous for the Church in many places at a time when it's already in financial straits during a recession. The Diocese of Wilmington, Delaware recently became the seventh US Diocese to file for bankruptcy. But that's precisely the point - it's why the bill pushed by the Democrats in Albany doesn't apply the same treatment to the public schools.
There are, of course, many valid criticisms of the Church's institutional handling of sex-abuse cases, but let us be serious: the critics on the social Left were never interested in those cases except as a club with which to beat the Church, as evidenced by their continuing disinterest in similar cases not involving the Catholic Church.
Posted by Baseball Crank at 12:23 PM | Politics 2009 | Religion | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)
Great post.
When I point these things out, some people say "There you go again, defending those RC-clergy pervs!"
These people have a need to distance themselves from un-PC thoughts.
And they want to prevent someone else then present from saying the same thing before they can, lest their silence be thought to be consent to my points.Posted by: From Inwood at November 3, 2009 1:22 PM
Re: sexual abuse in public schools.
But then that was kind out the point all along, wasn't it Berto, discredit the Catholic Church to undercut it politically. Of course to do so, you in the so-called "reality based community" have to actually ignore reality, which is that the Catholic Church isn't the only institution to have a sex-abuse problem, and that public schools have actually had a worse problem.
Interesting that you try to refocus the question by suggesting that public schools didn't move abusers out of district (which isn't necessarily true, as simply letting them go without prosecution would effectuate the same result by allowing them to move to another school district). Even presuming your premise is true, how is moving them worse than the public schools leaving them in place (other than your opportunity to score cheap political points)?Posted by: Paul H. at November 3, 2009 1:57 PM
Let's not allow Crank to confuse the issue about church-related scandals. The Catholic Church (at the highest levels) put their prestige and bounty (i.e $$$$) above the welfare of the children in their flock.
Of course, the public school establishment, at least as guilty as the Church on this count, only fosters an abuse problem out of sheer incompetence. Money never figures into it, right Corky?Posted by: spongeworthy at November 3, 2009 3:17 PM
Actually sex abuse in public schools in any recent year (sungular) is something like 400%-600% greater than all the combined allegations against priests over the last 50 plus years combined. There is somewhere between 200k-300k cases/instances inpublic schools every year. But since that doesn't support the lefty agenda and narrative-once again and as usual, the selective outrage from lefty drones.
It is really funny that the Catholic Church which provides probably more social services worldwide than anybody, is basically against war in almost every case, against military spending, against capital punishment, has a socialist outlook on economics and pretty much believes in infinite social spending-becomes in the "mind" of lefty drones-part of the right.
Of course, I am making the basic mistake that lefties actually are familar with facts and can logically reason. The reality is that in many cases they are the most intolerant, bigoted, frothing at the mouth loons in existence.Posted by: dch at November 3, 2009 3:19 PM
Wow, I don't know how you guys get out of bed in the morning. After all, the vast left-wing conspiracy not only dominates the media to bury atories of child abuse in public schools, it also has designs on bankrputing the Catholic Church.
Is it that you enjoy being martyrs or is it just a psychological defense mechanism?
Sexual abuse of children, in whatever form, irrespective of location ought to be prosecuted without mercy. There should be no statute of limitations for sexual abuse of children and any effort that targets only the church is wrong.
In my view, the biggest problem for the church was that it actively hid the problem, protected the molesters and sought to make the victims feel as if they had done something wrong. Now, I'm sure there are examples of cover-ups in public schools, but the very nature of public education makes it impossible for their to have been a nationwide program similar to that followed across the country by the church.
As for the Shakeshafts study, there were some flaws in her methodology, including employing a definition of abuse so broad that it includes everything from intercourse to off-color jokes, makes her findings somewhat problematic.Posted by: magrooder at November 3, 2009 3:38 PM
Magrooder, mainly we are able to get out of bed every morning because we are aware of, and can't be bothered to get upset about, the left-wing water-carrying of the media.
Nobody is trying to be a martyr here, we are simply pointing out the marked difference in treatment between sex-abuse scandals, which Berto has graciously admitted was purely a political attempt to marginalize the Catholic Church.
I certainly agree that sex-abuse should be prosecuted in all instances. Glad to see you agree that targeting the Church only in repeal of statutes of limitations is wrong. I'm not sure I agree with your comments regarding the substance of repealing statutes of limitations though, as prosecuting people for decades old claims creates the very real possibility of innocent people getting convicted. There have already been numerous false-claims against priests come out of the Church-abuse scandal. Statutes of limitations exist for a reason.
You are correct that the decentralized nature of public schools makes a program similar to the one in the Church scandal unlikely. However, that doesn't mean that there isn't a widespread practice of indifference or cover-up throughout public schools in the country.
I don't have enough information to comment on the Shakeshaft study, so I'll leave that to others.
Posted by: Paul H. at
November 3, 2009 3:58 PM
I can understand that churches get more attention because of the sheer hypocrisy factor - these are the very institutions that promote morality. The question remains why the Catholic church should be singled out among churches.Posted by: MVH at November 3, 2009 4:10 PM
"It is really funny that the Catholic Church which provides probably more social services worldwide than anybody, is basically against war in almost every case, against military spending, against capital punishment, has a socialist outlook on economics and pretty much believes in infinite social spending-becomes in the "mind" of lefty drones-part of the right."
I can see how that happens - the Church tends to spend a lot of its political influence on the abortion issue, so it's perceived as a right-leaning institution. But in terms of its members, it's hardly a monolithic block. As you note, there are plenty of liberal, "social justice" Catholics and also plenty that do not want to impose their abortion views on the rest of the nation.Posted by: MVH at November 3, 2009 4:23 PM
"There are, of course, many valid criticisms of the Church's institutional handling of sex-abuse cases" Are you kidding valid criticisms, there is no way to defend the Church's behavior on this. They covered up for the Priests and made the victims feel responsible. I would suggest you do some research on sexual child abuse before you roll out the victim card for the Church that allowed it's own to prey on child in the most scared environment for decades. But, I think what is rich is how you can in clear conscience label the complaints as mere valid criticisms. But, then again the defense of everybody else is doing works as well. Child abuse is child abuse there is no moral high ground for comparison. If you allowed and condoned such heinous acts you have to deal with the repercussions. This should be filed under the to F'n bad deal with it.Posted by: javaman at November 4, 2009 10:23 AM
Paul H.,
BTW, I never said or intimated that I want to bankrupt the Catholic Church. Maybe you are confused in that I pointed out the Catholic Church is morally bankrupt.Posted by: Berto at November 4, 2009 12:33 PM
Sell the Vatican and feed the world!
Berto, I have consistently resisted resorting to insults when responding to your posts. I can only presume your inability to do the same is indicative of the difficulty you are having coming up with a rebuttal to my points.
If I did want to stoop to insults, I might note that while you seem to think I can't add (I claim that unfortunately hits a little too close to home, I may have answered the 2 + 2 question incorrectly in my younger days), I'm beginning to question your reading comprehension. I never claimed you said or intimated you wanted to bankrupt the Catholic Church, I said you (and other left-wingers) wanted it to be discredited and undercut politically. I still haven't seen you deny that, nor do I think you will. Your fellow traveler Magrooder wrote the part about bankrupting the Church, a claim to which I did not respond.
Regarding the media, yes it is overhwlemingly left-wing. I never claimed it was socialist though, so nice straw-man argument. I fact, all I claimed was that conservatives are aware that the media is left-wing and that we can't be bothered to get upset about it. I guess I crossed the line with that statement huh? No wonder you departed from your usual decorum and described my posts as drooling idiocy. A nice, measured, well-reasoned response. Congratulations.Posted by: Paul H. at November 5, 2009 11:44 AM
Paul H.,
As for the Catholic Church, they have proven they have no moral standing whatsoever. I didn't discredit them and undercut them politically. They did. Through their actions.


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Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday Vlog
Friday, September 27, 2013
Tuesday's Vlog
Hi guys, I'm really doing bad now, am having to blog from phone, have no internet whatsoever.. I'm uber depressed and my health is decling.
I'm sorry but it looks like I want be vlogging for a long time.
I'll post here when I can.
I'm still hanging in there although common sense would tell me to just give up already.
Pray for me, because frankly nothing about my life surprises me anymore and that just means I've just about stopped caring.
Monday, September 23, 2013
I'm still here
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
First let me start off by saying thank you for lovely, comments, texts, and emails.
I'm sorry if yesterday's post scared some of you.
I'm so sorry for that.
I've just been having a horrible time with my depression and eating disorder.
Both things have just been draining me of any iota of self control and will.
I was very drunk last night and venting, not too mention actually writing.
I've had horrible writers block so I think I got carried away last night.
I apologize again.
I promise although am having suicidal thoughts, I promised a lot of important people in my life that I would never entertain those thoughts again.
I'm just very exhausted and overwhelmed, life keeps handing me tests that I just don't have the answers to.
"I realized that I had granted my illness lordship over me. In viewing my depression as a despot subjecting me to its savage fancies, I was able to escape responsibility, to indulge fully my selfish desire to let my ego flourish unfettered, not obliged to anyone. But this wasn't freedom. It was a prison—a cell separating me from those who cared for me and for whom I might have cared." –Eric G. Wilson, Everyone Loves a Good Train Wreck: Why We Can't Look Away
So let me tell you a little bit about my day.
Getting dressed was horrid this morning. For the first time in all my pharmacy life, I wore a dress to work.
It wasn't that I wore it to feel extra pretty, girlie or any other reason one might dress up at work. It was because I couldn't stand the constriction of tight shirts and pants.
I knew this dress isn't tight and it doesn't accentuate any lines on my now bloated body. Even still as I wore it and had about five minutes left before I headed out the door, I wanted to take it off again.
I felt like I was wearing a tent.
My breasts were embarrassingly spilling out of it, obscene almost. My new body has been filling out in all those womanly places like your hips, tits, thighs and ass.
It draws more attention lately and that might be nice on most days but that's also a spotlight on me and all those other places that make me want to hide.
My face is rounder, my stomach no matter what I wear hangs over anything.
My collar bones are disappearing. God, all these things scare me more than a burglar or horror flick.
I don't know what confidence is anymore.
I don't know how to look in the mirror and turn away from shame.
I know some of you will disagree and tell me how beautiful I still am, I wish I could just snatch your mirror away and stare into it and hope even for a mere second to see the same thing.
After wearing this blue dress I start to walk to work, its overcast and on the verge of raining. I have to work two stores today.
The first store I get in and work with preggers who I just adore. She's the best boss I've ever had in all my years working.
I don't even punch in yet and she's already too busy so I immediately help her, getting to work a few minutes early is always helpful.
We have a new outside vendor or "Cardinal" delivery man who doesn't speak English and frankly doesn't know what he's doing most of the time, preggers doesn't like him so I solely deal with him. We bond in our inexperience and at times confusion over pharmacy tasks.
I punch in minutes later and start my busy day.
I've had horrible customers over the phone today, random rude people in the morning which just makes me sad. How can anyone be so angry before 11 am?
At some point in time I notice preggers is on the pharmacy corporate website, she's telling me that she's handing out points. Points are given to employees based on their work, if you actually rack enough points you can redeem them for all sorts of fun prizes like gift card, electronics etc.
I've only received a full 20pts in my other store.
But preggers todays awarded me 2500 points based on my Customer service and work performance!
God bless her she's so kind.
It's inspiring to work now, I feel so different compared to a few months ago where things were so up in the air.
I've come so far I no longer question what am I doing here? anymore...
I belong here, I can do this job.
My shift ends and I have to go help out Dragon who's in the other pharmacy that's ten minutes away.
I stop by 7-11 first; I get an iced coffee for me then buy her a glazed donut; she loves those things.
I also buy a hot dog and a chocolate boston creamed filled one for me. I sit outside for a bit and eat the hot dog.
Hot dogs are safe sometimes so I eat.
When I head into the pharmacy Dragon lights up seeing me and invades my personal space to huddle next to me while I fill her in on kooky customers and my day so far. I think she and I will actually become real good friends. I no longer see her as a Dragon even, more like a comrade in arms as she is on my side really. We start to eat our donuts and then it gets awkward as she talks about how fat she is which she is not, I'd say she weighs about 115lbs.
Talking with someone about weight who's trying to battle an Ed is so fucking triggering. I actually didn't encourage her outlandish complaints, instead merely started changing the topic of conversation.
The day with her is slow and boring, We start reading magazines at some point and laughing at a customer who I spoke to on the phone. This man's only RX is Cialis, so he very shyly refills it not willing to even say its name lol.
I bust his chops of course asking all kinds of questions.
Four o'clock rolls around and I have to go much to Dragon's disappointment.
I'll see her tomorrow I think.
I walk back home in a hurry because my ex has my daughter and has to go to work.
Once I get home my daughter wants dinner.
I ask her about her day as I make tuna sandwiches for dinner. Her reading teacher says she needs to focus more in class. I told my daughter to shape up. I won't have a repeat of the last school year.
Unfortunately I've binged on sandwiches but it was only once and I didn't take laxatives.
The rest of the day in on the couch watching The L Word season 6, it's final season by the way.
As the night approaches that familiar calling of drinking hits me.
I'm out of smokes so head to 7-11 to buy more.
I want to cross the street to the Walgreens and get another bottle of wine but I'm actually so embarrassed because I've been going there so much to just buy booze.
So instead I buy my smokes at 7-11 and a bottle of beer.
I drink too much lately but I just don't know anything else.
It's all become some sort of routine now, work, b/p, drink, smoke, cry.
How can I stop it?
There are no support groups for Ed's here only one very far away in a church of all places that my boyfriend found online.
I've even thought about just googling an AA meeting just to be surrounded by people who drank as much as me and felt just as horrible by hurting others with their behavior.
Maybe I could do that. Maybe that could curb the weekday drinking I don't know.
I've spoken to my boyfriend again, although he's super sorry for making continuous mistakes with his ex girlfriend he seems genuine in his apology and wants to work things out.
"There's no me if there's no me and you." –Joseph Arthur, "Ashes Everywhere"
I love him I do. A huge part of me screams end this, go pick up the shattered pieces of your heart off the floor, someone out there has the tools to mend it.
I just can't.
I can't imagine going on feeling this sadness, its too much to bear.
So I'll stay and try to fix this. Give it another try, hope that the trust and respect can be won again. That maybe all this isn't for naught.
We are meant to stick by each other.
Maybe I owe us another chance, should give him/us that.
This is his first serious relationship and we all make mistakes.
I know I always need second chances and lord knows I grant everyone it.
I just have to hope that this will work itself and if it doesn't? I guess that's just another lesson to learn.
Like my beautiful friend so poetically put it..."You're just not ready to let him go, when you've had enough you always do."
I can't drive anywhere anymore so he'll just have to come see me on weekends if that's the case.
I guess we just have to communicate and if he truly loves me like he says then he will stop taking me for granted.
So now what's next?
Well this week that's not over entails more work at the pharmacy possible double shifts again since the tech who I've been filling in for has renal failure...
I'll have extra hours and that's always good since I have so many upcoming expenses.
The rest of the week will mean spending time with my daughter, trying to survive and deal with this current violent bout of depression.
Spend more time with my boyfriend and try to look at him again like I used to or at least allow him the opportunity to not take me for granted anymore.
Thank you all once again for listening to this sad girl..
Some of have reached out to me here on blog but if you wish to reach me at a more personal level then by all means do, email me at firstname.lastname@example.com and I'll give you my number so we can text.
I haven't given up yet, nor will I ever be doing so, but sometimes
I'm just too sad for my own good...
I hated being depressed, but it was also in depression that I learned my own acreage, the full extent of my soul.
Posted by Lulu 2 comments
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
It's Tuesday and that means work.
I've had some sleep last nigh until laxatives decided to kick in and kick my ass.
I tossed and turned rest of night.
I was in a fetal position thanks to my two cats who insisted on boxing me in to their comfort.
I love them but sometimes they are like those bad roommates who play music too loud and leave their underwear everywhere.
I started to drift off again around 5:30 am...
I had a weird dream about being in the Big Brother house and starting a "showmance' with Mccray the slacker long haired pizza boy who kinda looks like that actor from 500 Days of Summer Joseph something.
Anyways the dream took a weird turn as I dreamt my boyfriend's ex girlfriend was in the house too with him, and I made her cry because she had the nerve to call me a slut.
He was trying to explain to her that he loves me and wants to marry me and have babies. Then she had a bestfriend who was Tom from the Lword..
Omigosh; I can't escape this bitch even in my dreams.
Anyways walked to work this morning in the rain, I was dead tired and sleepy.
Picked up some menus from cafeteria's downtown for my preggers pharmacist who eats for two, picked up this one menu from a place she's always ordering from.
I punch into work and have to wear that big long sleeved lab coat that I hate cos mines is still dirty.
I hand her the menu's and she's like great, "we're ordering breakfast from there right now, what do you want to get?"
I dunno what's all this we business but looks like I had no choice in the matter.
Eating breakfast was inevitable.
I tried to pay for our breakfast and she refused.
Work was busy but okay, nothing I couldn't handle.
The other pharmacist from the pharmacy I park my car in calls to ask me can I work there tomorrow, I tell her yes but only from 12:30-4pm.
She's so grateful.
My preggers calls her back and tells her to stop trying to steal me away lol.
I can't tell you what a joy work is now compared to the other store where I wasn't appreciated and overworked.
The other tech gets to work and she's in a better mood, I think whatever personal reasons for her recent attitude have been resolved and I'm happy.
I like her a lot.
I walk back home having to borrow an umbrella from work because it's raining again. I feel bloated Fuck.
I can't believe this shit. How the fuck am I supposed to lose weight if I'm always shoveling shit down my throat.
Laxatives are still active and I need to poop asap.
God it feels like the walk home never bloody ends!
I finally make it home sweaty, triggered and tired.
Behaviors all day folks.
I am so depressed and sad, lonely too.
I dozed off on my couch due to massive headache from purging.
Oh my lovelies how I wish some of you could comfort me.
I feel like I'm flailing.
I feel so outta control with my Ed.
Everyday it takes more from me.
I've been drinking every night now too.
My skin is so dry and riddled with bruises, my hair is falling out everywhere.
I'm bloated from booze and purging.
I cry every morning in the shower.
I dread getting dressed.
It's the saddest thing ever
God I feel so miserable I wish I were dead.
I don't care anymore, I don't want to be here anymore.
I wish I were somewhere else.
I feel like a fool, someone who's taken for granted.
I feel like a loser.
The drinking unfortunately helps and hinders me.
It helps in the sense I no longer feel sad, I feel numb.
It hinders me the next day as I am hungover.
The alcohol helps me sleep, helps ED shut the fuck up, helps me just tune out everything.
I hate this body, hate this weight.
I love you all and the support you give me, but God forgive me, I'm ready to check out of this life.
I love my daughter and all, but she will survive without me.
I no longer feel there is really anything around to keep me here.
I'm tired of lies, tired of being ignored, tired of one sided friendships, tired of people that are so pathetic they don't even have a title to me.
I'm finding it harder to stick around.
Sometimes I just don't care about how sad you'd be if I "died."
I'm not a good person, I'm selfish, self indulgent, vain, weak, stupid.
The world moves on.
My pitiful exit wouldn't be so earth shattering.
There are other blogs, other sick women.
My story is the same as theirs.
I don't matter..trust Me!
I'm a pathetic drunk who doesn't eat, simple as that.
I've been noticing the category some have placed me in.
They overlook the depressed, sexually abused, raped individual who doesn't want to eat. To they just want you to be okay because "Then every thing can just go back to Normal."
No, that's all set aside, in addition to someone who can't trust anyone's word.
I've yet to find lover who actually loves me so much I'm worth it.
No, instead I am a stupid cow who forgives and can be treated any kind of way, I can be lied to, and fooled.
I'm an idiot. People do me like shit because I'm so "Nice."
I don't matter, I ain't worth shit.
If I were someone special I would be treated as such.
Instead am someone so pathetic would just let any scumbags back into my life to lie to me some more. I've cut out a lot of bullshit out my life but if I seriously wanted too, would cut out some more. A lot of people are still allowed to know of me because I grant them that. They are unworthy of course, but sometimes am so lonely I can't tell the difference apparently.
I am flailing.
I am tired.
I am sad.
I don't want to live.
I don't want recovery
I don't want weight gain.
I don't want this body.
I don't want to be cheated on.
I don't want to be lied to.
I don't want to feel foolish.
I don't want to be judged at my lowest point because lord knows I didn't judge you in all your patheticness...
I want what I deserve.
I want it now...
Posted by Lulu 3 comments
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Sad Saturday
Posted by Lulu 3 comments
Friday, September 13, 2013
Happy Friday the 13th
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
What are friends for
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Finally Friday
Thursday, September 5, 2013
This week has been very confusing for me.
I'm mixing up my days and the lack of bleach on my roots is affecting my train of thought.
I think Monday's holiday has thrown my work week in a loop.
So let's go back because I'm still living in the past.
Monday I'm off unfortunately, the pharmacy was open but the company decided to only pay the pharmacist or (Rph) to work that day and not pay the two techs that would come in to help. I was counting on time and a half that day to help with my very shitty last few paychecks.
Tuesday was the day to head back to work but I woke up feeling sick from too many laxatives and getting soaked in the rain from the day before. I was sleep deprived and overall didn't want to come into work.
I call out to my preggers boss and she tells me it's okay. The day after Holidays are very slow. To keep her posted on rest of work week.
I don't do much on Tuesday, it's so uneventful I can't even recall right now what I did, I'm sure it involved me bp a lot and taking more laxatives.
I'm sure a nap and some crying are thrown in there for good measure too.
I head back to work Wednesday and I am all kinds of confused because I thought it was actually Thursday and kept thinking that the who bloody day. I forgot the main bridge I take in the Morning's was closed for construction so I had to drive through gridlock and take a detour to work but get there on time.
I drag at work constantly yawning and trying to fake smiles and laughs for the outside world.
I'm happy to report a small victory for me concerning the Fun House Garage. Guess what, the front gate is always open now, they've moved the Valet booth to the top of the Garage, no more peeping camera guys watching me fall down stairs or push intercom buttons for doors to open. When I head home there's a side door I've discovered that's always unlocked so now I can head upstairs to the Elevators in peace. The Fun House Garage is just a garage again. Work is getting better and better.
At some point in time as I'm typing an Rx for a customer my preggers boss tells me that she's getting a text from this trainer, we'll call her Two-face. Why Two-face because that's the vibe I get from her. From what I hear through the grapevine this trainer may have had a hand in my being fazed from the schedule from my original Home Store. I heard she may have said "she's just not cutting it" when referring to why my hours got cut all together.
Two-face has been trying to pimp me out to other stores although now thank God almighty I have a somewhat set schedule to work again, yes it's everyday and only for three hours a day and yes I have to park in another garage now altogether but it's steady work. I can float if I want, it's no longer a dire need.
Two-face has been very curious as to my "schedule" at this new store I'm working at Downtown. My preggers boss tells me if I wanna work two days out the week somewhere else she would understand, but I don't to be honest, I love this new store I'm at, I love my coworkers, I love the environment, but most of all I love that I'm actually not hating what I do when I work there.
So Wednesday Two-face texts my Boss to see if I will go work at this other store right after I'm done with my shift, from what I can summarize from her tone, she's not asking. Now there's one thing to know about Lou, and that is You Can't Make Me Do shit if I don't wanna. I don't care who you are.
Preggers, sweet, beautiful, considerate baby Incubator that she is actually asks me "So what do you wanna do, cos Two-face wants you at another store today, do you wanna stay two more extra hours today here? I can tell her that if you don't want to go over there, or if you do I can tell her that too?"
I tell her I want to stay.
So the rest of my very confusing Wednesday continues...
My preggers boss is always Hungry, so she wants to buy lunch for the tech that can guess the famous phrase to a onesie she bought online for her baby.
She asks the other tech first, to which I reply that's fine, Age before beauty!
The tech doesn't get it, her response is "Is it from the movie Babe?"
Preggers shows me the picture and the little shirt says this... "You Remind me of the Babe" I immediately smile and say it's from the movie Labyrinth!
"Yes!" she squeals in delight. "Lou get's a bagel!"
In all fairness she buys lunch for us all. I love my Boss, it's hard to believe she was once as bad as Stick in the Ass.
So I eat a Garlic Bagel. I eat it while she plays songs from the movie to which she and I sing along. "Dance Magic dance!"
I get the inventory order day wrong and my boss corrects me which I found odd because I felt so certain I was right.
Then surprise, surprise, my Older Mechanic brother comes into the pharmacy with his wife just to say hi to his little tech sister and see me in action. He lingers around the store, when other employees ask if he needs help he says "No, I'm just here to admire the midget" which would be me lol. I had to tell people we were related before it got weird.
My brother distracting me didn't help matters because at some point I was pulling prescriptions for a patient and was wildly looking for a missing one that was guess where...in my hand already.
The patient had a good laugh and I apologized and blamed it on the blonde hair.
I'm glad I stayed the extra hours because it got busy.
When I get home my ex tells me that Thursday my daughter has no school, Teacher's planning Day...I thought he meant next Thursday but he's like NO tomorrow.
I panicked for a second but remembered that he doesn't work till five so he could babysit in the morning.
So I spent last night writing a little, I finished Chapter 9 in my book and started chapter 10.
Chapter 10 is written in the POV (point of view) from a male's perspective so there were so questions I needed answered, I quickly text and called all my male constituents and got feedback. Hope I do the male character justice and if I don't who cares, its my book and I can write whatever I want.
Today is THURSDAY.
I drop my daughter off at my Ex's and drive to work but there is no Gridlock so I'm incredibly early at work. I head to 7-11 and get coffee, as I'm paying I grab a Galzed Doughnut because today folks, I work with the Dragon.
I want her happy today because I'm just too tired and confused from dream filled sleep from the night before. I actually dreamt with my dead mother last night, I was in tears begging her to help me forget about a man who's crossed me, to which she's actually agreed.
Dragon is good to me today as a matter of fact work is great!
I helped two customers today, the first was a man who I helped yesterday who came back and needed more pills and cream because he was going on Vacation, I told him I would call his insurance and see if I could get an override. I did and I called him, he was very happy with me. The second was an older woman who I helped too much. She wanted to call corporate and tell them what great Customer Service I gave her.
The day was Good, Dragon and I talked all day, well she talked I listened and pretended everything she said was just riveting.
She loved her donut too, almost drooled on herself ala Homer Simpson.
I get a text from my kid's Godmother to stop by after work so I do. My ex decides to keep my daughter till almost four.
I see my friend today and get my complete printed out Novel. I'm so happy. It's amazing and inspiring to see it all in print like that, like a real published book.
She also tells me she's going to sell Amway products. For $163.00 I can be my own Boss too and sell all kinds of products ranging from jewelry, vitamins, clothing etc.
It sounds great but who will buy it?
Will you all buy from me if I ventured into such an endeavor?
My friend also drops a huge bomb on me.
"Promise me" is how she starts to tell me something and hoping my reaction isn't catastrophic.
"You've gained weight. Your face is fuller."
I smile and try not to cry in front of her.
I do a good job but inside I'm a mess.
Fuuuuuuuuuck! @%&*!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a fat stupid bitch :(
She's not being mean, she means it as a positive thing, like maybe I'm getting better.
I go home finally after revamping her blog and meet my ex and get my kid.
The rest of my day consists of me crying my eyes out and punching my stomach and slapping my full face. I've taken laxatives and cried. Oh how I cry.
Now I'm just spent.
I know she meant it as a compliment, she's coming from a loving place and for that I forgive her. She's been my "safe harbor" as she puts it many times when referring to my Eating Disorder, she doesn't tell me to eat something or criticize me. I know she means well but I'm just to sick to comprehend that.
I'm so mentally deranged that I have accepted that I may never recover and that this ED will be the end of me.
I will die in a tragic misunderstood way from it. Whether in my sleep from binging on alcohol and nothing more, a heart attack or stomach rupture. God, there are so many colorful ways to go.
I've had this burden for such a long time, I don't know who I am without it.
All I know today is that I've gained about twenty pounds and hate myself.
All I know today is that I am no longer a negative zero.
All I know today is that my clothes are tighter.
All I know today is that my collar bones are disappearing, and my hip and ribcage aren't protruding, my thighs touch.
All I know today is that I'm not that cold all the time.
All I know today is that I miss being so completely consumed by losing weight that I can't see the Forest from the trees.
Stepping on the scale
Praying I lost weight
The number that the scale tells me
Determines my fate
I lost five pounds
Only twenty more to go
I promise I'll stop then
But you don't think so
Do aerobics at 5:00am
Then at one and eight
Desparately trying to get rid of
This fat body that I hate
Breakfast I don't eat
Lunch a piece of bread
Dinner I'll feed the toilet monster
Tomorrow's meals I dread
I ate seven meals this week
But I didn't keep them down
Step on the scale again
I lost ten more pounds
Counting fat and calories
In everything I eat
I can't go over my limit
This goal I have to meet
Four hours of aerobics a day
Won't stop until I fall
But there is nothing to worry about
I have control over it all
I'm sick of people worrying about me
Thinking that I'll die
Because everything is under control
I wish they would not cry
I reached my goal weight
But I can lose some more
You're getting terrified
I don't know what for
Everything is under control
Everything is fine
But everyone I talk to
They just say I'm lying
I swear I'm okay
I really am fine
But today my doctor told me
I am slowly dying
Why doesn't he believe me
I really am okay
I really have control
At least it started out that way
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Peek inside and hear my hurt..
Others: I love you.
"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your places
in the family of things." — 'Wild Geese' by Mary Oliver
"I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more.
I know I deserve more." — Michelle K., I Know I Deserve More.
"eat, baby.
I know it hurts. I know it doesn't feel good.
I know your hunger is different than mine.
I know it doesn't taste the same as mine.
imagine you could grow up all over again
and pinpoint the millisecond that you started
counting calories like casualties of war,
mourning each one like it had a family.
would you?
sometimes I wonder that.
sometimes I wonder if you would go back
and watch yourself reappear and disappear right in front of your own eyes.
and I love you so much.
I am going to hold your little hand through the night.
just please eat. just a little.
you wrote a poem once,
about a city of walking skeletons.
the teacher called home because you
told her you wished it could be like that
let me tell you something about bones, baby.
they are not warm or soft.
the wind whistles through them like they are
holes in a tree.
and they break, too. they break right in half.
they bruise and splinter like wood.
are you hungry?
I know. I know how much you hate that question.
I will find another way to ask it, someday.
the voices.
I know they are all yelling at you to stretch yourself thinner.
l hear them counting, always counting.
I wish I had been there when the world made you
snap yourself in half.
I would have told you that your body is not a war-zone,
that, sometimes,
it is okay leave your plate empty." -Empty plate | Caitlyn Siehl
Posted by Lulu 4 comments


text:
For most women out there, having 'legs to die for' is one of our top fitness goals. Female training should differ from male, as most men will base the majority of their training on upper body and have one day per week for legs, whereas women might benefit from training legs more often than upper body – depending on their ultimate goals. I have personally been recommended to train legs up to four times a week by IFBB pro Candice Lewis.
For weight training, you can split your days into: quads and calves; glutes; hamstrings; and full legs and calves in one intensive session once a week. Cardio is an important part of training to keep lean, so you can appreciate your toned legs and combat cellulite.
Here at Monster Supplements, we sell equipment and one great bit of kit is an aerobic stepper for home use. Reebok the Deck is currently on sale at £108.98 (reduced from £129.99) and comes with a workout DVD and resistance tube.
Here's an aerobic workout you can perform in under 30 minutes using the stepper.
- 1 minute jog using the step up
- 20 backwards lunges alternating legs
- 20 forwards lunges alternating legs
- 20 bench hops knees high
- 20 squats touching your bottom onto the step each rep, using the tube for resistance
- 1 minute rest
- Repeat 3 more times
Another great bit of cardio kit for the home is the Golds Gym Lt Mini Stepper, which is designed for fat burning with its unique movement and multi-muscle targeting action. Simple to use, small and easy to store away, the mini stepper is currently only £47.99 (reduced from £59.99). Whilst watching TV, you could spend 20 to 30 minutes a day toning those legs up with minimal disruption to your busy schedule. You could even take this small piece of equipment to work with you to fit your training in.
My fourth tip for toning your legs is the use of a fat burner, which you would take before training. Most fat burners will contain natural stimulants such as caffeine to enhance your workout, but also will likely contain other ingredients such as green tea, L- carnitine, ginseng, bitter orange and/ or cayenne. They use a thermogenic effect to help elevate your body temperature and increase metabolism and may help to control hunger cravings. You will find you have much more energy and drive to get your workout done. A great product I can recommend is Smart Tec Smart Burner ,which can increase fat oxidisation. This is currently on sale at £22 (reduced from £29.99).
My final tip for legs is the squat, in any form – free, smith, sumo, front, box, goblet, etc.
There are so many varieties to this exercise, you can tailor it to target the parts of your legs that you want to help the most. Front or narrow stance squat helps you build strength and muscle tone in your quads, whilst sumo/wide stance will target more of the hamstrings and glutes. The squat is king of leg exercises and develops whole body strength, balance and flexibility.