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This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Dear Professor Foxy,
I have been in a happy monogamous relationship with my partner for five years now. She is my best friend and we have an amazing egalitarian relationship. Sure, we have our disagreements, but we respect each other and work through them and grow for it.
The only thing that's missing from our relationship is physical intimacy. I was a virgin when we met and the first couple years of our relationship were extremely sexually active and exploratory (and as far as I knew, great!). About two years ago, however, that came to a screeching halt. My partner not only has no desire sexually, but even intimate closeness makes her uncomfortable. No snuggling to fall asleep, no kissing other than a quick hello/goodbye peck, etc.
We have discussed the issue before and she was the one who brought it up. It was extremely emotional. She says she feels pressured to be intimate with me when I try to show her any affection so rather than cuddling/kissing/etc. when I'm in the mood I just don't do anything so that she doesn't feel pressured. She brought up a few reasons for her lack of desire and I completely understand her reasons for not wanting any intimacy right now. But at the same time, while every other aspect of our relationship is great having no physical intimacy for two years and not seeing it change anytime soon is definitely hard on me. I have pretty severe self-esteem issues so to not feel 'wanted' at all and not have any closeness can be pretty stressful. Being told that I'm loved is great, but having to stay on your own side of the bed and not cuddle at all makes for some conflicting messages.
I completely understand her reasons for not wanting any intimacy: She is an abuse survivor, has fought through eating disorders and body issues, and hates the way that she gets treated as the female in a heterosexual relationship. Her loss of desire started about the time we started planning our wedding (a small, non-traditional service where we both took a new common name) and she claims that is the biggest part of the problem. I work really hard at recognizing my privilege as a male and not letting anyone make assumptions about our relationship, etc. and she recognizes that, but the comments and actions of other people are what eventually seem to get to her. The entire process of planning a wedding — no matter how egalitarian and non-traditional — was really stressful but after the wedding things seem to have only gotten worse.
How do approach this subject without making her feel pressured at all? Am I wrong for feeling like this lack of intimacy should have an affect on our otherwise-idyllic relationship? What can I do to help her, or should I just back off and let her work through the problems that are at the root of the issue herself?
Dear In Need -
I think your sign off says it all. You need something that you are not getting in your relationship. I wonder how fulfilled and satisfied you are in your relationship. I worry about how much you are compromising. Most people need some degree of physical intimacy and it is not just about sex, it is about how our partners and lovers show their feelings through physical affection and how that reinforces what they tell us about their feelings.
You are giving up quite a bit and I wonder if you are giving up too much. She is not be able to give you what you need in terms of physical intimacy, how sustainable is that for you?
What are your minimums to stay in this? Cuddling once a week? Can you hold hands while you fall asleep? Have you tried taking sex off the table? So she knows that when you touch her you are not doing it as foreplay, but just for the pure enjoyment of cuddling? Have you said I am not asking for sex and don't want you to feel pressured, but I need physical affection.
I also wonder if you should consider opening up your relationship and/or paying someone for the intimacy that you are not getting at home. If you want to stay in this relationship, it may be time to find another way to get your needs met.
I feel the need to separate her being abused and the eating disorders from the marriage/heteronormative society issue. I get that she is working through a lot and that these all of these issues impact her daily. Eating disorders and sexual abuse are not easily recovered from and they can certainly have bearing how she feels about intimacy and touch, but you are a part of this relationship too. You appear to be dissolving into her issues.
You are not wrong. Everyone has intimacy/touch/sex minimums and maximums. How much do you want to be touched? By whom? You also can't heal her. You can be supportive, but she is the one that needs to go through these issues. What is up to you is how you help her: as friend or as her partner.
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.
119 Comments
Thank you so much for saying this. I thought I was the only person who was upset by that suggestion.
This man paying for sex will make his partners issues with her body, body ownership and sexual boundries 100 times worse, and its clear that what ever happens the LAST thing inneedofcuddles wants is to make his partner's issues with her body worse.
As someone with serious body image issues this really made me question prof foxy's psycholgical insight in that area.
Its things like that that make me wonder if I'm still on feministing.com.
Or put another way, consent is a two way street. No one should have sex they don't want. But no one should be held in a relationship that's ruining their chance at real happiness out of guilt, either. Coercing someone into a relationship with guilt is coercion, just like brow-beating someone into bed is.
A couple of people have mentioned counseling, and I think that's a good idea. It would be a good place to put all the details on the table and have some assistance in working them out. Either go together or have her go alone, but counseling seems like a really good idea.
I would also say to try to communicate more. It was unclear from the letter how often the couple talks about their sexual/physical intimacy issues, but they shouldn't be afraid to talk about it to each other. I am willing to bet that there is something else going on with her that goes deeper than her lack of desire. It would seem odd for someone to just completely stop wanting physical contact of any kind with no immediate cause. That is not meant to belittle her abuse experience or eating disorder/body image issues. But it seems as though she was alright earlier in the relationship, but isn't any longer.
I was also shocked at the suggestion of paying someone else for his physical intimacy needs. That is a bad idea in this case, I think. In Need wrote that she had body image issues, and if he goes elsewhere for physical satisfaction, is that really going to help her? Won't him cheating on her make her feel even less desirable, and even more like the female in a heterosexual relationship, where (stereotypically) the man has desires that need to be met and that he can do whatever he likes sexually?
That being said, no, I don't think there is anything wrong at all for desiring physical intimacy. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him human. Sex isn't a need for an individual's survival, but for most people, sex is a strong, natural urge. It is good that he is speaking up about his needs and desires.
First, I'm so glad to see this addressed. I think many of us (of all genders) experience this at some time or another.
I don't think going outside the relationship is the answer. In some cases, that's great, but I think the OP would still be just as unsatisfied with his relationship, possibly coupled with feeling uncomfortable with his newfound outlets.
I've gone through similar situations with my partner in our 6+ years. He goes through periods where he is unaffectionate and emotionally distant, and they tend to coincide with gloomy weather or a lot of stress. I've accepted that these periods are part of our relationship, but during them I feel like the OP. I feel insecure, ugly, unattractive; I feel that I could never leave the person I love, but that I also can't go without some affection and sex. It's hard, and I'm glad to see it addressed. Just reading that others go through this as well helps those of us who do.
I also think that counseling should be a consideration, though I know that can be cost-prohibitive for many.
I think whats worse is people jumping on him for wanting basic human contact with someone he loves. Handholding, a cuddle- those are not pieces of "male priviledge" but a basic human desire.
Wait, wait. You're saying that when she "took back" her agreement to be in a sexual relationship, she broke some kind of agreement?
By that same logic, changing your mind and saying "no" after consenting to sex is equally illegitimate. I have a feeling that's not what you meant, but I think you might not have thought it through completely. It is totally her right to change her mind, and he has to comply. That's the reality of it.
No it wouldn't, because the power gradient doesn't go the other way. A man's "demands" have the patriarchy behind it, a woman's doesn't.
If he doesn't get intimacy, he'll probably feel frustrated. If he does, she'll probably feel violated. Which would you say is worse?
As a man, just expressing one's desires IS pressuring, which is part of the reality of the patriarchy. Try to think of a way for a man to tell a woman he wants more intimacy that doesn't sound creepy or controlling.
But this isn't an equal feminist relationship. That thing can't exist in a patriarchical enviroment. People can try for it, but they have to reconize that the relationship still exists in a society with a particular social dynamic. Part of the sacrifice the man has to make is realizing that he can't express himself as freely as a woman can.
Of course it would. The entire point of feminism is that there is inequality between genders, which has to be compensated for. If one were to treat both genders equally without confronting male privelage, then the man still comes out on top. It's like Affirmative Action; it's not fair to treat minorities the same as white males, though it may appear to be "equal treatment".
The whole wedding thing did set off some alarm bells.
"I understand why those reasons would leave her not wanting to be touched, but I'm curious as to why she'd stop after two or three years if they'd happened before now and she was OK up until a certain point."
I suggest you read about sexual abuse and its impact on sexuality. Having sex at the beginning of a relationship is often a lot easier than having sex later in the relationship, when sex involves emotional intimacy. It can be more intense – in a bad way, ie reminding you of bad things. Speaking with some experience here.
I agree with most people's comments that inneedofcuddles is being incredibly thoughtful of his partner's difficulties and that he deserves to get the physical intimacy he's craving.
However, I'm a little frustrated with the fact that despite this being a classic situation that happens in relationships where one partner is a sexual abuse survivor, pretty much no one is directing inneedofcuddles to books/therapy about healing from sexual abuse. Obviously I can't be 100% sure what's going on – it could be that his partner is asexual and that's it, or anything else – but everything he writes suggests unresolved feelings about sexual abuse.
There are specific resources that offer ways out from the place they are in. I really think they both need to start with looking at them. I'm going to repeat what I said in a previous comment: Please please please read Wendy Maltz's Sexual Healing Journey and Staci Haines' Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma. I think you'll find them illuminating.
I do think you're misinterpreting here, though I also see where you're coming from.
There are different levels of need — some of them could be described as desires in that, unlike food or water, you won't die without them. But there are psychological needs without which one might be deeply emotionally pained. Like friendship. And saying you need friendship isn't like saying you should force it by kidnapping people. It's just saying you will be unwell without it and should probably work to get it in your life in some positive way.
There are also contextual needs. I don't need sex in gneral, but I do need sex in a romantic relationship in order for that relationship to be one I don't decide to end.
In a relationship:
I need conversation.
I need smiles and jokes.
I need a few shared interests.
I need sex.
I won't die without any and I won't force myself on someone to get any of them, but I also won't stick around without any of them.
Check out Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for a kinda primer on need as a scaled thing instead of black and white.
Very good point, sara. It sounds like In Need has no serious interest in ending the relationship. IMO he and his partner would both benefit from counseling/therapy with a feminist/egalitarian professional.
I notice a few commenters are against Prof. Foxy's suggestion to pay someone outside his relationship to fulfill his intimate needs. I support that suggestion, but I would stress exploring the idea with his partner and a professional therapist/counselor beforehand. He may find that to be a beneficial alternative, he may not. We shouldn't dismiss it just because it may not fit into our vision of what a fulfilling relationship is.
Dude needs to make a phone call. Whether it's to a sex therapist or a divorce lawyer is up to him. The status quo can't be allowed to continue, since it will only result in what remains of the relationship being utterly poisoned.
I'll also chime in with everyone else to say that suggesting he get a prostitute is about the worst idea ever.
It might sound crazy, but how about paying for some dancing lessons instead of a sex worker? His wife feels like all physical contact is foreplay in disguise. She also feels self-conscious about her body. What if they found some activity that involves limited physical contact and physical exertion in a community atmosphere? Like, say, folk dancing. Or rock climbing–belaying your partner doesn't involve a lot of skin-to-skin contact but it's a physical connection and great way to build trust.
Just about any kind of physical fitness is a great way to boost mood and body confidence.
If this marriage is going to survive, these two have to find a way to reestablish a physical relationship. This guy's needs aren't being met, and it doesn't sound like his wife is getting what she needs, either. Until her illness and trauma got the upper hand, she enjoyed sex. She probably misses the good old days as much as he does. She's telling him that she's trapped by fear, shame, and pain. It's not like she's selfishly satisfying herself at his expense. She's sick and she needs help.
Behavior changes through tiny steps. His wife is afraid to start down the path of hand-holding or kissing because she feels like any physical contact is just foreplay in disguise. Maybe she'd feel more comfortable in a group setting where she knows that she can take her husband's hand or put her arms around him in a non-sexual context.
This advice might be completely inapplicable to their situation. Maybe they don't have the time/money/inclination. But since they're at an impasse, I thought I'd put it out there.
It takes two people to make a couple work, and there is never just one side to an argument. Both members of this couple need to take responsibility for the relationship's problems. If you've tried to support your wife, who entered into a monogamous romantic relationship with you, but she hasn't taken the steps to heal her emotional wounds, you need to tell her that you can't remain in an un-fulfilling situation hoping that things will just change. They wont. Real action needs to be taken, and you can't make her do that.
I kind of wonder why you would want to be in a romantic relationship with someone with such deep-seating baggage. It seems to me that the best and healthiest thing for both of you to do is to take a step back from each other. If she is so uncomfortable with intimacy and you that she can't bear to have you touch her, it's not working. I don't know how much clearer the message could be.
why is paying someone a ridiculous assertion? As long as his partner was aware and okay with it, it seems like a completely viable option. Your comment comes off, to me at least, as intolerant of sex work and sex workers.
For me, I would say that a romantic relationship is not a need for me. I can get along fine without one and did for over twenty years.
However, I'm not asexual. If I'm going to invest the time, energy, and emotions to be a part of a functioning romantic couple, I need there to be sex and affection. It's not a physical need, it's an emotional need for me. It's just, personally, not worth it for me to have a romantic relationship without there being sex and physical affection involved.
This doesn't make me selfish. This means that I know who I am and what I need from my relationships. If my SO were to tell me tomorrow that he was asexual and no longer wanted physical affection or sexual contact between us, I'd be sad. I'd also say goodbye. We'd still be wonderful friends, but there is no way that I could make the sacrifices that I continue to make every day to be with him if I wasn't rewarded with sex and affection.
I would say the same if I was asexual. If I was with a person who couldn't meet my needs to NOT be sexual, I'd rather leave the relationship to find another who shared my desires than to to have either of us capitulating and being ultimately unhappy with the physical nature of the relationship. Or I'd rather be alone.
For me, sex isn't in any way a physical need. However, in a romantic relationship, is is very much an emotional need for me to continue the relationship.
I think the most important thing for him to do is to figure out how he defines a marriage. A lot of the replies here seem to indicate that friendship + regular sex = marriage.
Are you married to her because you love her? Then stay in the marriage and work things out (and remember that sexual "needs" can be met by oneself). Are you married because it allows you to have sex without feeling guilty? Then get divorced and find someone else to have a sexual relationship with.
Did you marry the person or did you marry her sex drive? I think that's the question some people should ask themselves when they find themselves in these sorts of situations.
If it's simply a matter of physical intimacy at all (kissing, touching) rather than sex, it's more understandable, and probably more fixable. But I'm addressing the idea of "if there's no more sex then just get out now" here. I always like to ask someone to imagine what would happen if their spouse had some kind of awful physical problem that made sex impossible. Some kind of cancer of the reproductive organs, for example. I did meet one guy who said, "My wife would still have sex even if it was painful for her, or else I would leave." But I think most people would stick it out.
What's more important, the person? Or the sex? Just something to think about.
I don't think paying a sex worker is a ridiculous suggestion. On the other hand, it could be a great way to end a marriage that might otherwise have a future. If you signed on for a traditionally monogamous marriage, and that's your ongoing preference for the future, then it's unwise to start talking about alternative relationship models until you've exhausted all other alternatives.
By your "logic", there's no way a man could ever express dissatisfaction with anything in a relationship without being aggressive or controlling. You've constructed a rhetorical defence against having to acknowledge the legitimacy of any concerns proffered by males. This is a dead end. It eliminates any possibility for discourse.
And I'm sure heterosexual relationships where fully half the participants are prevented from communicating their feelings will do wonders to end the patriarchy. Good luck with that.
He's not talking about just sex, but _all_ forms of physical intimacy.
Do you know what happens to babies that are completely deprived of touch? They die. (Go look up the word "marasmus" if you don't believe me.) We may grow a little tougher and more resilient as we get older, but don't think for a moment that touch isn't every bit as necessary for health as, say, trace minerals.
You start off by suggesting that need for physical intimacy is an example of male privelege — what??? So being male means you can't have any needs, and if you do, you're just being an ass?
Probably – this idea seems to have a certain amount of social and cultural force behind it…
Oh come on, that's just ridiculous, and like saying that racist slurs towards a white person from a black person don't mean as much as one towards a black person from a white person.
Both genders need to be treated equally. This man is aware of the fact that he has male privilege and is writing in about the fact that his wife won't give him sex, and hadn't for two years, and is STILL in the relationship hoping it'll work. As a female, I know I'd be writing in using the same tone if I hadn't been touched in two years too. If we're fighting for gender/racial/sexual equality we can't say "because they've been wronged in the past so let's treat them better" because it'll lead to resentment.
I also agree that paying for a prostitute is a terrible idea, and usually Professor Foxy is brilliant. Just get a divorce.
What's so terrible about that? The obviously still loves his partner very much, but his physical needs are not being met.
So, perhaps he should stay in the relationship with his partner, on her terms (no sex, no touching) because the relationship still meets his emotional needs, but then go out and hire a sex worker to take care of his sexual needs.
He wouldn't be hiring a sex worker to get a "fulfilling relationship" – he'd be hiring her to get the one thing that he's not getting in his current relationship – sex.
You just described the exact problem that this man has. It's a real problem that deserves a real answer. Simply saying he is a man so it doesn't matter won't cut it.
To me it sounds like perhaps he should part ways his this woman. Perhaps remain friends in the hope that one day she will be in a better mindset to have a relationship that meets his needs.
There's nothing wrong with hiring a sex worker. However, if this guy's goal is to reestablish a physical relationship with his wife, the sex worker talk will be counter-productive. She's insecure about her body and her status in a male-dominated society. She's also grappling with a history abuse, which probably makes it difficult for her to trust others. If he starts talking about opening up the marriage right now, all she's going to hear is rejection and betrayal. He's not rejecting or betraying her, but that's what it will sound like to her. And if that's what she's hearing, he's never going to convince her to reestablish a physical relationship.
However, once he has already done everything he can to resolve the intimacy issues with his wife, and he's convinced that progress is hopeless, then he can broach the open relationship/sex worker issue. That is, if he decides he'd rather do that than than end his marriage.
If it were me, and my partner wouldn't even touch me, and I knew this wasn't getting better–I'd rather get a divorce than negotiate some kind of alternative arrangement to make this no-contact marriage bearable.
I wouldn't assume that this woman is being manipulative. If she can't even stand to hold hands with her husband, she's in bad shape.
This isn't like slacking off on housework after you get engaged. This is like someone who used to be pretty meticulous who suddenly stops bathing, washing their clothes, or taking out the garbage for weeks at a time. If someone starts acting so abnormally, and so out of character, my first guess is that they're sick.
If she was healthy before, there's at least some chance she can get better.
I understand what you mean. You can't take the balance of power out of the equation but I don't know relevant that really is in this situation. Feelings are feelings and emotional needs are emotional needs. Most people feel the need to have some physical intimacy in their relationships, and most people feel pretty down when their partner resists all attempts at affection. This man is having very normal human feelings and it's not fair that they should be judged negatively or demonized just because he's male. There is a history in human society of men forcing their desires on women and of women capitulating to men's desires at the expense of their own, but we can acknowledge that and try to change it without automatically dismissing as "male privilege" any desires that any individual man has. In my mind, this particular man has demonstrated himself to be sensitive, considerate, and quite mindful of the hardships his partner has faced as a result of being female. So his feelings and needs must be considered in that context. We can't just tell all good guys that they're not allowed to want or need things, just because the needs and wants of guys have been given disproportionate importance in our society.
And nobody here, not Prof Foxy, not the commenters, and certainly not the letter-writer wants either of those outcomes. Which is why alternative solutions were being discussed. Which is why the letter was written to begin with.
If it was just sex your point would be much stronger, but if she won't even hug him or cuddle with him or even hold his hand for a few minutes then we are talking about something completely different. You can still do all those things no matter your physical condition.
Also as for staying with a partner who had such an accident I think it depends alot on your age, what stage in life you are in, how long you were together, etc. If you are an older couple with kids it is different then being 22 and only having been together a short time and having a strong desire to have kids. Completely different scenario in both cases. So I think it's impossible to generalize what people would do, or even what people SHOULD do in such a situation.
I think you're being incredibly unfair to InNeed who clearly explained the problems and it was CLEARLY not just that he wasn't getting sex. To just dismiss these problems as someone who's complaining about not getting any is just wrong.
As some have suggested, counseling sounds like a reasonable first step. Prostitues or an open relationship are an option if she's OK with that … but I'm not sure its a good idea for the overall health of the relationship. My guess is that if it goes that direction, it won't last.
But, I think the OP needs to come to grips with the fact that this situation may never change, and to decide whether it is a dealbreaker for him or not.
Neither party is wrong. She has the right to be averse to contact, and he has the right to be averse to a lack of contact. But, there is a compatibility problem when the two are in a relationship. An asexual person cannot be in a relationship with a sexual person any more than a homosexual person can be in a relationship with a heterosexual person. That she displayed a sudden shift to asexuality, and is a victim of abuse, may be problematic from a psychological standpoint … but doesn't really change the fact that an asexual/sexual relationship is not really going to work over the long-term without significant sacrifices on the part of one party or the other (him, in this case). If he is unwilling or unable to make that sacrifice, then he should seek someone who is more compatible or more inclined to take his needs into account.
I am a bit dismayed at the above posters that characterize any male expression of physical needs in a relationship as "selfish", problematic or inherently patriarchal — though it is good that such opinions appear to be the minority. His need/desire for intimate contact, sexual and otherwise, is no more "selfish" than her lack thereof.
The fact that he has sacrificed his needs in deference to hers for this long is the exact opposite of selfish. But, a more balanced arrangement has to be made if this relationship is going to last … one party in a relationship cannot make all of the sacrifices without resentment and bitterness developing, which will bring the whole thing down.
This question could have been written by me, fifteen years ago, sort of. I'm a guy who was in a completely non-intimate marriage to a woman facing the demons of past sexual abuse. She, like inneed's wife, had decidedly mixed feelings about being married.
I *wish* I had been as sensitive and caring as inneed seems to be, which is why I'm entirely disgusted by open_sketch's low opinion of inneed and his needs. I figure the only thing that open_sketch would accept is for poor inneed to castrate himself.
That's basically what I tried to do in my own relationship, by the way. My partner blamed me for my needs, and, while I certainly was deserving of SOME blame (I did not express my needs as sensitively as inneed seems to be trying to), I internalized her anger at me. I decided my sex drive was the problem, and searched for ways to try to destroy it. Being unable to do the deed physically, I destroyed my sex drive emotionally: I assumed I was a rapist and started to treat myself like one. Fifteen years on, I'm still trying to heal myself from the damage I did to my psyche and self-esteem. This letter triggered me beyond belief, but I'm working on it.
So that's what NOT to do. Interestingly, I think it might satisfy open_sketch – I certainly never asked for *anything* from my then-wife ever again! If I could do it over, I would have gotten a divorce – but that's hindsight talking. Inneed sounds far more mature than I was. I think he'll be OK as long as he stays away from advice like open_sketch's.
"Wait, wait. You're saying that when she "took back" her agreement to be in a sexual relationship, she broke some kind of agreement?"
Of course she did. If the two of them had never ever agreed to be intimate, they would have ended up as platonic friends, he almost certainly would be in a romantic relationship with someone else, and this wouldn't have ever come up as an issue between them. She unilaterally changed the terms of their interaction.
"By that same logic, changing your mind and saying "no" after consenting to sex is equally illegitimate."
Hogwash. Nobody is saying that she has to keep having sex with him. However, she doesn't get to also pretend that withdrawing her consent doesn't completely change the the dynamic of the relationship — as you seem to be doing.
"It is totally her right to change her mind, and he has to comply."
Uh, wrong. He doesn't have to "comply." He has to decide whether the new conditions are acceptable to him, and if the answer is no, then it is totally his right to discuss why it's a problem, or to leave. That is a hell of a lot different than "he has to comply" and it's also a hell of a lot different than him forcing sexual contact on her.
Funny you should mention not thinking it through completely.
I think we definitely are talking about more than just any form of touch here. I doubt this person's wife is refusing to let him shake hands with other people, give hugs to friends, etc. (he even stated that they have little peck-on-the-cheek kisses) – what he is lacking is not simply touch, but physical intimacy, as in sex, cuddling, kissing, and so on. Lots of people live without that (like, every person who isn't in an intimate relationship!) and are perfectly fine.
He is complying. However, you seem to be operating under the impression that he has no right to be dissatisfied with the situation; that seems to be a fundamentally untenable position to hold.
"I always like to ask someone to imagine what would happen if their spouse had some kind of awful physical problem that made sex impossible. Some kind of cancer of the reproductive organs, for example."
Then you find ways to adapt and participate that don't require the use of that specific organ. Lending a helping hand is a lot more supportive and intimate than telling your partner to go take care of it himself and not bother you. But you make the effort. You either find alternative ways to be enthusiastic, or if you just can't, you cut your partner some slack when they go find that enthusiasm elsewhere.
Consider the alternatives:
A) they martyr themselves on the altar of your disability;
B) they call it a deal-breaker and dump you completely,
C) the two of you continue to share as much as possible and you compromise on the rest.
Is option C really the most objectionable of the three? Really?
"As a man, just expressing one's desires IS pressuring, which is part of the reality of the patriarchy. Try to think of a way for a man to tell a woman he wants more intimacy that doesn't sound creepy or controlling."
A huge part of being a feminist is understanding the incredible importance of a woman's agency in regards to her own body, regardless of her relationship status. Add in the overpowering social and cultural pressure of the patriachy and women are put into serious dilemma regarding how to meet the needs of their male significant others.
If a man tells me that he needs more physical intimacy (it has happened) in the context of a serious relationship, I absolutely bristle and will think seriously about ending the relationship. Seeing that the personal is indeed the political, I simply can't abide a man asking me to compromise the agency of my own body, that's my choice.
Wow, you're unbelievably harsh. Why do you assume she's being intentionally manipulative?
I suggest you read about child sexual abuse and its impact on sexuality. For many people, having sex at the beginning of a relationship is often a lot easier than having sex later in the relationship, when sex involves emotional intimacy. It can be more intense – in a bad way, ie reminding you of bad things. Speaking with some experience here.
Maybe you are lucky enough to be born with an intuitive understanding of your sexuality, but not everyone's like that.
I can think of plenty of ways for a man to request more intimacy that don't sound creepy and controlling. I don't think the OP is being creepy and controlling at all. Neither do most of the people here.
Maybe the reason you think it has to sound "creepy and controlling" has a lot more to do with you than it does with the dude in question.
Reading your comments, it seems like you expect men in relationships to never speak up about anything, never express negative feelings about anything, and pretty much accept anything their (clearly superior) girlfriends feel like doing.
If you switched the genders, that is exactly how some misogynists feel about relationships, except that they are usually more subtle about their beliefs than you are.
So what kind of solution would you recommend for the OP? Or, for that matter, for any man in a relationship where they aren't getting enough intimacy?
What would you say to a woman in that situation? Because I have been in the position of asking boyfriends for more sex, and I did so because I felt sexually frustrated and unwanted.
If merely bringing up the problem is enough to make you reconsider the relationship, than what would you expect the man to do? Suffer? Break it off without explanation?
I wouldn't want to make someone I loved suffer like that, and I wouldn't want them to disappear because of a problem we could potentially fix.
Good for you. By all means, cut him loose. Set him free to go find a partner whose sexuality matches his more closely.
Just don't paint him as some sort of patriarchal self-entitled asshole MERELY for wanting more sex than you do. He isn't a self-entitled asshole unless he is indulging in the specific behaviors that make him one. Sexuality is a continuum. You will always find someone who wants more sex than you do, and someone who wants less. You are not the gold standard of libido-appropriateness.
Best advice I've seen so far, if InNeed hasn't already taken these steps. From what you wrote in the letter, it seems like she's feeling an immense amount of pressure to conform to these expectations of what a "female" should be in a heterosexual relationship. Even though you don't necessarily put pressure on her, there is pressure coming from everywhere else – and even though you don't reap all the advantages of your "male privilege" per se, the fact that you were born with privilege makes it even harder for you to understand what she's going through as a female, especially one who survived abuse. It's an alienating feeling, and at times, she probably sees YOU as the bad guy too. It's always easier to compromise yourself in the beginning on a relationship, but as time goes on, it burns you out, takes the desire out of you – maybe that is what happened to her, though I cannot say for sure, of course.
Only you know your own relationship, and what steps you have and haven't taken to make things work. You give no other possible details as to why she may feel a lack of desire – what about in the home? Did you live together before getting married? If not, after marriage, did you two split the household chores, did she do the majority of it, or did you? Are both of you working tiring jobs alongside these things? I find that living together tends to complicate things if it's not done equally, but since you didn't mention any of these things, I will assume they don't factor into why she's acting the way she does. From the sounds of it, it seems like you want this relationship. I really don't think inviting a prostitute into it will help, but that's just me personally – you know your partner better than any of us do, so it's up to you to judge whether she's okay with an open relationship. It seems that you love her, and want the physical and sexual intimacy with HER specifically, so maybe an open relationship is not appealing to you – in that case, think through whether you're willing to wait this out or try to make this work. See a counsellor, it really does help to articulate your feelings without offending/attacking the other person. If you still feel like nothing is going to change, and it's that important for you to have physical and sexual intimacy aside from the relationship you have with her now, then maybe it's time you find someone else and spare the both of you from prolonging the situation.
A number of people have commented that it is entirely possible that everything was fine until increasing levels of commitment triggered the issues.
Personally, I want to know what the poster meant by "hates the way that she gets treated as the female in a heterosexual relationship." Was he treating her in some specific way that she found objectionable? Or was it about all the societal expectations and reactions? If the latter, she is punishing her husband for the misdeeds of others. This is the bad side of "personal is political."
But wouldn't you agree most of the people who are single WANT to meet someone? And what is the main reason to be with someone? Physical intimacy. It's the main component that cannot easily be found outside of a romantic relationship.
Otherwise we're just talking about friends. Which is fine it just needs to be called out is all.


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Life Happens Everyday, Balance is Key
By Omar Edmison
My wife of 18 years asked me awhile back if I was still writing a blog for Tattoo Artist Magazine. I shot her a pile of excuses about time & being busy at work, taking care of the shop & spending time with her & the kids. She looked at me with her amazingly sweet smile as if to say "Sure Omar, I love you I have your back but you're throwing up a smoke screen." She knows me really well, better than any other human being on the planet. Her words that she spoke next were small and to the point. she simply said " you're really good at what you do. you have wisdom to impart." I am not making that part up; she really does speak like that. So here I am sitting in front of a computer trying to figure out what to "impart" on you, gentle reader. I started thinking about what I had said to my beautiful and talented better half. It wasn't a lie I have been busy with an amazing varied rag tag bunch of folks who for what ever reason be it a bump on the head or just a history of poor life choices have asked me to mark them permanently. It is also true that -as any shop owner can attest to- when you own a tattoo shop stuff comes up, there are always fires to be put out, business needs handling. It is most decidedly true that I love spending time with her and our 3 awesome kids. I don't know about y'all but the last time I checked there are only 24 hours in a day only 7 of those days in a week etc., etc. you know the math. You are,I am sure, by this point getting my point that there are a lot of things that come up in my day to day life that are at times pleasurable at times nerve wracking & everything in between. Much like some of you out there, I get to try to figure out how to balance business & family, which is what struck me as something to write about…
Life, Happens everyday. It comes at us pretty fast you have to keep your eyes open and your head up if you are going to get through it in one piece. How to balance work & family…
Star of Texas Tattoo Revival: On the Road in Austin, Texas
By Nicki Kasper
I was excited when I was asked to work the Austin show. I hadn't been to Texas, and was looking forward to checking out the city. After a full-body search courtesy of Portland airport security, a long flight and a cab ride that almost sent me flying through the windshield, I was happy to get checked into my hotel room…
Omar Edmison: Tattoo Shop Therapy
By Omar Edmison
Ernie Gosnell paints signs that say all sorts of awesome things (do yourself a favor the next time you see him buy the man a cup of coffee, listen to his tales and pick up some of his signs) one of my favorites will usually have a chicks head, devil, skull or just some other such tattoo goodness. Emblazoned under it hand-lettered One Shot reads, "If you don't belong, don't be long." I am sure that those of us who live, breathe and eat tattooing and tattoo shops have from time to time felt that very sentiment. It seems like there are those who "belong" and those we just wish wouldn't "be long." For whatever reason some of us seem to fit right away, still others take longer and some… I am afraid just aren't ever gonna be what I affectionately refer to as, tattooy.
Omar Edmison: Who the Hell Does This Guy Think He Is?
By Omar Edmison
In this age of websites, magazines, blogs, TV shows and a vast myriad of other such social networking venues the tattoo world has shrunk. There are lots of super-talented kids out there tattooing who are doing mind-bending work that everyone knows about. Their names are talked about in excited conversations in tattoo shops springing up on every corner in every town with a population larger than 200 all over the world. Some are even being spoken in hushed reverent tones as the new "legends" of tattooing. There are more people tattooing now than ever before. They are more widely recognized than ever before the age of the "tattoo celebrity" is upon us. The possibilities are seemingly endless for a young up-and-coming kid with talent and ambition…
Oregon Inkshow, On the Road in Eugene
My weekend started with Damon Conklin's solo gallery show down in Grants Pass at Gogué Art on Friday night. I had to miss the first day of the Eugene convention, but I was committed to the gallery show, and had been working on support products for it for months… (more…)

subset: commoncrawl


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text: Comments on: GOP credits 'unprecedented' research as Brian Schweitzer forgoes Montana Senate run Back to the article » By Rebecca Berg | July 15, 2013 | 12:00 am In light of former Montana Gov. Brian Schweitzer's decision to forego a race for the U.S. Senate, Republicans are touting their "unprecedented" research on Schweitzer as a major factor in his decision. In an email to donors Monday, Sen. Jerry Moran, the head of the National Republican Senatorial Committee, described the committee's two-month, multinational efforts, which were carried out by a... Web URL: http://washingtonexaminer.com/article/2533053 Share this article on Facebook or Twitter Print this article


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How do I cancel my service on 9/15/10
Just a friendly reminder, this is a forum where users help other users. It looks like your issue may require a Verizon representative's assistance. Please contact our customer service team via live chat or email at:
What if you are trying to talk to a rep and you get the run around, I have been on hold for about 15 minutes after telling her i needed to talk to a supervisor. What do people do, or are we just a slave to the phone?
I feel your pain
08-11-2010 08:18 AM - edited 08-11-2010 08:18 AM
Unfortunatlely you will have to deal with the Billing department that handles your account. Calling support will get you nowhere. The billing department like in most companies is only operational during certain hours, and will probably be very busy. You will just need to be patient and wait on hold for how ever long it takes. It is difficult when you are at work during normal Verizon business hours. 30-45 min is not unheard of. But they may pass you to the retention department to discuss your cancelation. Depending on why you wish to cancel, they may talk you out of it with a good deal. Then again you have your reasons, and yes it should not be that difficult.
08-11-2010 09:00 AM - edited 08-11-2010 09:03 AM
I agree with prisaz ... at the end of the day, you need only repeat the phrase "I wish to cancel my service". You'll find that they will probably pass you to retention or ask you why and try to convince you otherwise, but a simple polite "Please, I just wish to cancel my service" answer to each question will get the job done. It's only three or four questions usually before the billing folks reach the end of their required script which says "ok then, go ahead and cancel their service".
While I have not had this experience with Verizon (the one service I did want to cancel, they did after I confirmed that I wished to cancel my service and provided the necessary account verification information), I have had it with out other companies. The key is to not answer "yes" or "no", but to articulate the phrase "I wish to cancel my service". That way there is no confusion as to your intent.
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Documentary mode
|This article is written like a personal reflection or opinion essay that states the Wikipedia editor's particular feelings about a topic, rather than the opinions of experts. (October 2009)
Documentary mode is a conceptual scheme developed by American documentary theorist Bill Nichols that seeks to distinguish particular traits and conventions of various documentary film styles. Nichols identifies six different documentary 'modes' in his schema: poetic, expository, observational, participatory, reflexive, and performative. While Nichols' discussion of modes does progress chronologically with the order of their appearance in practice, documentary film often returns to themes and devices from previous modes. Therefore, it is inaccurate to think of modes as historical punctuation marks in an evolution towards an ultimate accepted documentary style. Also, modes are not mutually exclusive. There is often significant overlapping between modalities within individual documentary features. As Nichols points out, "the characteristics of a given mode function as a dominant in a given film…but they do not dictate or determine every aspect of its organization." (Nichols 2001)
Poetic Mode[edit]
Early documentary filmmakers, bolstered by Soviet montage theory and the French Impressionist cinema principle of photogenie, appropriated these techniques into documentary filmmaking to create what Nichols would later call the poetic mode. Documentary pioneer Dziga Vertov came remarkably close to describing the mode in his "We: Variant of a Manifesto" when he proclaimed that "kinochestvo" (the quality of being cinematic) is "the art of organizing the necessary movements of objects in space as a rhythmical artistic whole, in harmony with the properties of the material and internal rhythm of each object." (Michelson, O'Brien, & Vertov 1984)
The poetic mode of documentary film tends toward subjective interpretations of its subject(s). Light on rhetoric, documentaries in the poetic mode forsake traditional narrative content: individual characters and events remain undeveloped, in favor of creating a particular mood or tone. This is particularly noticeable in the editing of poetic documentaries, where continuity is of virtually no consequence at all. Rather, poetic editing explores "associations and patterns that involve temporal rhythms and spatial juxtapositions." (Nichols 2001) Joris Ivens' Regen (1929) is paradigmatic of the poetic mode, consisting of unrelated shots linked together to illustrate a rain shower in Amsterdam. That the poetic mode illustrates such subjective impressions with little or no rhetorical content, it is often perceived as avant-garde, and subsequent pieces in this mode (Godfrey Reggio's Koyannisqatsi (1982) for example,) are likely to be found within that realm.
Expository Mode[edit]
Documentary forefather John Grierson offers an explanation for the move away from poetic documentary, claiming filmmakers, "got caught up in social propaganda …We got on to the social problems of the world, and we ourselves deviated from the poetic line." (Sussex 1972) The expositional mode diverges sharply from the poetic mode in terms of visual practice and story-telling devices, by virtue of its emphasis on rhetorical content, and its goals of information dissemination or persuasion.
Narration is a distinct innovation of the expositional mode of documentary. Initially manifesting as an omnipresent, omniscient, and objective voice intoned over footage, narration holds the weight of explaining and arguing a film's rhetorical content. Where documentary in the poetic mode thrived on a filmmaker's aesthetic and subjective visual interpretation of a subject, expositional mode collects footage that functions to strengthen the spoken narrative. This shift in visual tactics gives rise to what Nichols refers to as "evidentiary editing," a practice in which expositional images "...illustrate, illuminate, evoke, or act in counterpoint to what is said…[we] take our cue from the commentary and understand the images as evidence or demonstration…" (Nichols 2001: 107) The engagement of rhetoric with supporting visual information founded in the expositional mode continues today and, indeed, makes up the bulk of documentary product. Film features, news stories, and various television programs lean heavily on its utility as a device for transferring information.
Observational Mode[edit]
The observational mode of documentary developed in the wake of documentarians returning to Vertovian ideals of truth, along with the innovation and evolution of cinematic hardware in the 1960s. In Dziga Vertov's Kino-Eye manifestoes, he declared, "I, a camera, fling myself along…maneuvering in the chaos of movement, recording movement, startling with movements of the most complex combinations." (Michelson, O'Brien, & Vertov 1984) The move to lighter 16mm equipment and shoulder mounted cameras allowed documentarians to leave the anchored point of the tripod. Portable Nagra sync-sound systems and unidirectional microphones, too, freed the documentarian from cumbersome audio equipment. A two-person film crew could now realize Vertov's vision and sought to bring real truth to the documentary milieu.
Unlike the subjective content of poetic documentary, or the rhetorical insistence of expositional documentary, observational documentaries tend to simply observe, allowing viewers to reach whatever conclusions they may deduce. Pure observational documentarians proceeded under some bylaws: no music, no interviews, no scene arrangement of any kind, and no narration. The fly-on-the-wall perspective is championed, while editing processes utilize long takes and few cuts. Resultant footage appears as though the viewer is witnessing first-hand the experiences of the subject: they travel with Bob Dylan to England in D.A. Pennebaker's Dont Look Back [sic] (1967,) suffer the stark treatment of patients at the Bridgewater State Hospital in Frederick Wiseman's Titicut Follies (1967,) and hit the campaign trail with John F. Kennedy and Hubert Humphrey in Robert Drew's Primary (1960.)
Reflexive Mode[edit]
The reflexive mode considers the quality of documentary itself, de-mystifying its processes and considering its implications. In Dziga Vertov's Man with a Movie Camera (1929,) for example, he features footage of his brother and wife in the process of shooting footage and editing, respectively. The goal in including these images was, "to aid the audience in their understanding of the process of construction in film so that they could develop a sophisticated and critical attitude." (Ruby 2005) Mitchell Block's ...No Lies (1974,) functioned in a notably different manner, as it reflexively and critically questioned the observational mode, commenting on observational techniques and their capacity for capturing authentic truths. In this way, the reflexive mode of documentary often functions as its own regulatory board, policing ethical and technical boundaries within documentary film itself.
Performative Mode[edit]
The performative mode, the final mode Nichols discusses, is easily confused with the participatory mode, and Nichols remains somewhat nebulous about their distinctions. The crux of the difference seems to lie in the fact that where the participatory mode engages the filmmaker to the story but attempts to construct truths that should be self-evident to anyone, the performative mode engages the filmmaker to the story but constructs subjective truths that are significant to the filmmaker him or herself. Deeply personal, the performative mode is particularly well-suited to telling the stories of filmmakers from marginalized social groups, offering the chance to air unique perspectives without having to argue the validity of their experiences, as in Marlon Riggs' 1990 documentary Tongues Untied about his experiences as a gay black dancer in New York City. The departure from a rhetoric of persuasion allows the performative film a great deal more room for creative freedom in terms of visual abstraction, narrative, etc. Stella Bruzzi pits Nichols' conception of performative documentary at the polar opposite of observational documentary, commenting that performative pieces, "confront the problem of aestheticisation, accepting…authorship as intrinsic to documentary, in direct opposition to the exponents of Direct cinema who saw themselves as merely the purveyors of the truth they pursued." (Bruzzi 2000)
With the filmmaker visible to the viewer, and freed to openly discuss his or her perspective in regards to the film being made, rhetoric and argumentation return to the documentary film as the filmmaker clearly asserts a message. Perhaps the most famous filmmaker currently working in this documentary mode is Michael Moore.
- Barnouw, E. (1993). Documentary: A History of the Non-Fiction Film. New York, New York: Oxford University Press.
- Bruzzi, S. (2000). New Documentary: A Critical Introduction. London, England: Routledge.
- Michelson, A. (Ed.) O'Brien, K. (Trans,) & Vertov, D. (1984). Kino-Eye: The Writings of Dziga Vertov. Berkeley & Los Angeles, California: University of California Press.
- Nichols, B (2001). Introduction to Documentary. Bloomington & Indianapolis, Indiana: Indiana University Press.
- Ruby, J. (2005). The Image Mirrored: Reflexivity and the Documentary Film. New Challenges for Documentary. Manchester, England: Manchester University Press.
- Sussex, E. (1972). Grierson on Documentary: The Last Interview. Film Quarterly. Vol. 26, 24-30.


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Hi. I'm Akiko. Born in Kyoto Japan, raised half of my life in Japan, the other half (and still going) in southern California. I'm a self proclaimed photographer. I love cars, motorcycles, most sports, and I definitely love life. I also am a self proclaimed ninja. But anyway, above all that I'm the dark-lord of the underworld, goddess of the living dead. You may call me Queen Akiko, or Lord Akiko, or just "My Lord". I drive a 08 Subaru Impreza WRX STi >>>>also, i dont usually answer anons, so if you really want to hear my answer to whatever you want to ask, ask me not on anon. i 99% of the time always reply privately<<<
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The babies we care for are more vulnerable and dependent than healthy newborns. Many of them enter the world too early or are in crisis. Some of the babies in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) do not have the ability to breath on their own. In our NICU, team members draw on their experience, advanced skills and compassion to provide the best care possible for our smallest patients.
The Section of Neonatology at Rush Children's Hospital provides comprehensive care for critically ill newborns and infants, including consultation, transport and intensive care. Our neonatologists are available 24 hours a day and are all board-certified and actively involved in leading-edge treatment and research. We take a family-focused approach to the care of high-risk infants, allowing unrestricted visiting privileges for parents and grandparents.
Advanced Practice Nurses
The advanced practice nurses, also known as neonatal nurse practitioners (NNP), in the Rush NICU are a vital part of your baby's healthcare team. Along with your baby's doctor, the NNP determines the care that your baby will need in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). NNPs are in the unit 24 hours a day, providing frequent monitoring of your baby and giving comprehensive medical care tailored to meet the needs of your baby and your family. NNPs have advanced education and training that extend well beyond their preparation as registered nurses. They specialize in providing medical care for infants in the NICU. Working in collaboration with the neonatologist, the NNP evaluates, diagnoses, and treats neonatal patients with skill, care, and understanding.
NNPs are dedicated to improving your child's health. They have advanced education in neonatal nursing, medicine, and health care and must meet state licensing regulations, continuing education requirements, and competency standards. NNPs are certified by the National Certification Corporation, a not-for-profit organization that provides a national credentialing program for nurses. NPs at Rush are also credentialed and privileged through the Rush Medical Staff Office.
The Rush NICU Nursing Team provides extraordinary care with knowledge, skill and compassion.
Rush was the first hospital in Illinois serving both adults and children to achieve Magnet status and is the only one in the state serving both adults and children to receive the designation for a third time in a row.
Good nutrition is an essential component in every baby's health. For those babies facing additional medical challenges, it is especially important. Our NICU is staffed with licensed and registered dietitians who work daily with the interdisciplinary medical team to provide your baby with optimal nutrition. Our NICU strongly supports the use of mother's own milk as the best possible source of nutrition for your baby. For more information on human milk and lactation, please visit our Mother's Milk Club page.
Social work
A clinical social worker is a professional counselor who helps to assess and alleviate problems related to personal, family or social situations. Clinical social workers are a vital part of the rehabilitation multidisciplinary team. This team helps provide support for the patient and family, coordinate discharge planning and insurance benefits, and assist with financial problems and family conflicts.
Discharge planning
Taking a new baby home is exciting, but it can also be stressful. This can be more true when you take home a baby who has been in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, whether it has been for a day or a few months. At Rush, preparing for discharge begins from the time of admission and continues through the hospital stay. We will make sure you have the knowledge and ability to safely care for your baby at home through the combination of teaching, discussions and hands-on practice throughout your baby's stay. The discharge planner will help ensure that appropriate follow-up care is identified and coordinated, when possible, before your baby goes home. The entire NICU team, including the physicians, nurse practitioners, nurses, social workers, discharge planner, physical therapists and others, will work together with you to coordinate a smooth transition home.
Respiratory therapy
Respiratory therapists are on site in the NICU 24 hours a day to attend to your infant. The therapists are neonatal-trained therapists and are assigned to the NICU. All therapists are registered respiratory therapists, credentialed by the National Board of Respiratory Care. Many of the therapists are neonatal/pediatric and ECMO specialists. All therapists hold current Neonatal Resuscitation Provider cards. NICU therapists attend all high-risk deliveries and accompany nursing on both internal and external transports. Each therapist is proficient using the highly sophisticated life support equipment
Lactation Team and Mother's Milk Club
The Rush Mothers' Milk Club is the lactation and human milk feeding program in the NICU at Rush. The clinical program is based on the most up-to-date research about lactation and human milk all NICU infants. The neonatologists, nurses, dietitians and breastfeeding peer counselors work to share this research with families so that they can work with the NICU staff members to collect, store and feed each mothers' milk using techniques and procedures that most benefit your baby.
Chaplains at Rush come from a variety of backgrounds. The staff includes a Roman Catholic priest, a Muslim imam, a Jewish rabbi and clergy representing a variety of other denominations. None of our chaplains works exclusively with one faith group. They serve everyone and help people access the resources of their own spirituality or religious traditions in the process of healing.
Physical therapists
A developmental assessment and intervention by a pediatric Physical Therapist is available for infants in the NICU. Parents of infants followed by physical therapy wil be instructed in a home exercise program to promote normal patterns of movement which assist with acquisition of functional skills. A referral to an early intervention program, for ongoing therapy services after discharge from the NICU, can be prescribed if indicated.
Follow-Up Clinic
The Neonatal High Risk Follow-up Clinic at Rush is a multidisciplinary clinic which monitors infants for growth and neurologic development up to 2 years corrected age. The clinic is essentially a Preemie Clinic and follows all infants with birth weights less than 1,500 grams (3 pounds 5 ounces) when hospitalized in the Rush NICU. Patients who meet the above criteria are referred during the hospital stay and the first visit is scheduled prior to discharge from the NICU.
Perinatal Center
Rush has been designated by the state of Illinois to serve as the regional center for a network of Chicago-area hospitals providing quality care to high-risk mothers and babies. The Rush network is one of 10 perinatal centers designated by the state of Illinois and is currently the largest, involving 18 hospitals delivering more than 30,000 infants per year. The Rush Perinatal Center maintains a 24-hour hotline to facilitate the transfer of high-risk mothers and infants. Through the perinatal center, Rush offers an extensive series of classes for physicians, nurses and other health professionals.
Transport team
If your newborn infant requires advanced neonatal care, your infant's primary care provider may arrange transport to Rush University Medical Center's NICU. A specialized neonatal transport team is extremely important as newborn infants have special needs and require specialized care. The transport team consists of a certified Neonatal Nurse Practitioner, a highly skilled Neonatal Nurse and Respiratory Therapist under the guidance of a board certified Neonatologist. The Rush Neonatal Transport team transports critically ill premature and term neonates and infants from referral centers throughout the Chicagoland area by ground ambulance. The ambulance is equipped with a specialized ventilator, nitric oxide, and cooling abilities for brain injury. Approximately 125 neonates are transported each year from our referring hospitals.
The Rush Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) has in-house Neonatologists as well as pediatric specialists who manage any medical and surgical problem a critically ill newborn may require.
Providers can arrange transport to Rush NICU by contacting our physicians at 312-947-8800.
Palliative care
The Rush Children's Hospital Palliative Care Program provides interdisciplinary care to children with complex, chronic medical problems that are potentially life-limiting or life-threatening. Our team aims to anticipate, prevent and relieve the physical, psychological, social, emotional and spiritual suffering of patients with and families caring for children with complex and chronic, medical problems. An infant or child who has complex needs can live well into their adult years.
Fetal and Neonatal Medicine Center
This comprehensive center is designed to give expectant parents and their referring physicians the information they need to provide optimal care to women carrying babies with anomalies (heart defects, intestinal problems, brain defects, etc.). We provide detailed evaluations, diagnostics and advice to physicians and parents on the plan of care for these mothers during pregnancy, at time of delivery, and for care of infants after delivery. The center does this by bringing together an experienced and expert team of physicians, nurse practitioners, geneticists, social workers and chaplains. Each member of our team contributes to the total care of our families by providing skilled medical, social and spiritual care.


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Téléchargement de Livres Blancs
This Harvard Business Review Insight Center Report explores the radical new era that corporate IT is entering. Major new developments—cloud computing, big data/analytics, mobile technology, increasingly complex supply chains, a globally distributed workforce, etc.—mean that CIOs and their staffs are being asked to support businesses in very different ways. This report focuses on what they must do now to adapt.
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A beautifully restored Piemontese Farmhouse Bed & Breakfast.
If you are planning a holiday, taking a business trip or just travelling through Italy, then nowhere could be better for you to stay than at the Cascina Bella Vista!
Tucked away in the rolling hills and vineyards of Cantarana(Italian translation is Singing Frog), this stunningly restored farmhouse offers you a truly unique and tranquil home from home experience, it is the perfect place to relax and enjoy the abundance of nature that will surround you: from wild boars, gecko's, deer, numerous woods, meadows, wild flowers, the mountains and wild birds galore.
Take a walk, a mountain bike ride (available to hire) or ride on horseback around the Cascina and you will soon realise the areas true richness, it is the ideal starting point to discover the fantastic gastronomic and cultural life of Southern Piedmont.
How to find us: From Caselle Airport get ontoTangenziale (Turin Ring Road) head towards Piacenza, leave A21 at exit for Villanova (toll) and get on SS10 towards Asti, once at Villa Franca take the second sign for Cantarana carrying on until you see a turning for Bricco Barrano on the left, follow this past the small church, then turn right and Cascina Bella Vista is the first house on the right.
Cà D Rot
Asti, Italy Youth Hostels
The B&B Ca d Rot is run by Ratti's. You will find a cosy and informal atmosphere, a good place to spend a wonderful holiday. Located at the village of Vinchio, 23km from Asti (28 min drive)....
$36 Per Night
Antica Casa Fiore
Asti, Italy Youth Hostels
At Antica Casa the rooms are bright and simply refurbished with our family pieces of furniture, in order to preserve the traditional style of our house....
B&b Al Mobile Antico
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An old farmhouse at the heart of nature, B&B Al Mobile Antico guarantees an uninterrupted atmosphere of peace and quiet. Surrounded by mountains, forests and vineyards, our tastefully decorated house even has its own tavern!...
$21 Per Night
Hotel Salera
Asti, Italy Youth Hostels
In the quiet residential area north of Asti, Hotel Salera represents an important landmark for decades.The restaurant, with its 4 air-conditioned dining rooms, offers traditional cuisine from Piedmont and a choice of regional wines....
Cascina Bella Vista
Asti, Italy Youth Hostels
A beautifully restore Piemontese Farmhouse Bed & Breakfast.If you are planning a holiday, taking a business trip or just travelling through Italy, then nowhere could be better for you to stay than at the Cascina Bella Vista!...
$38 Per Night
La Valle B&b
Asti, Italy Youth Hostels
If you're a wine and good food lover, this is the place you should visit. Cosy rooms & also we will give you all useful information about the best Piedmont cellars and restaurants....
Hasta Hotel
Asti, Italy Youth Hostels
Rooms at Hotel Hasta are comfortable, spacious and well-decorated, with lovely views of the park. On site you can relax in the bar with a drink or try local specialities at the hotel's restaurant....
Ca D'gnese
Asti, Italy Youth Hostels
Located Asti, Located in Piedmont, 20 Km far from Asti, CA' 'D GNESE offers you hospitality in 12 rooms which have been recently renovated with taste and originality, with every comfort in a elegant and romantic atmosphere........
Agriturismo Tre Tigli
Asti, Italy Youth Hostels
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Apulia, Italy Bike Tours
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Moms, Keep the Home Fires Burning in Your Marriage
- Thursday, September 22, 2005
I love the old Abbott and Costello baseball routine, "Who's on first, What's on second and I Don't Know's on third." It's three minutes of zaney comedy as you realize the players are actually named, Who, What, and I Don't Know.
I have noticed that many Christian moms are similarly confused about who is first, second, and third in their lives. Most Christians know that God is supposed to come first in their lives -- that's a given. It's usually the second and third places that are blurry for them. Just so you know, it's God first, then your spouse, and then your children.
We marry Prince Charming (or not) and we begin meeting his needs. Then the little tykes come along and we are so busy meeting their immediate needs that the Prince temporarily gets put on the back burner to simmer. It happens in spite of our best intentions. But the problems begin when we become so engrossed in our children that we leave our Prince on the back burner and the flame starts to flicker. When we neglect kindling the fires in our marriage relationship for too long, we are in danger of losing our romantic connection -- our spark,
I hear about more and more couples who are devastated when the children become adults and leave home. Even though the water bill, laundry pile and trips to the grocery store are drastically reduced they don't enjoy their empty nest years. Somewhere along the line, they've lost their connection with each other -- or maybe the connection was trampled on by small feet
As mother to a quartet of kids, I know how hard it is to put the big guy first when the little guys need you so desperately. But, I also know that husbands have physical needs that must be met. After the little ones become big ones and fly the coup, you and Prince Charming are going to be spending lots of time together, so it's a vital that you keep your love alive and the home fires burning.
Love and M&Ms
I will be honest and admit that maintaining a physical relationship with four kidletts in the house was difficult. By the time I had nursed, nourished, and cared for little ones, I was tired. My marriage vow to love, honor, and cherish my man went up in smoke. I'm ashamed to admit that when he reached for me, I would reply with variations of, "You must be kidding," "Not in this lifetime," or "You should of thought of this before you gave me all these kids" Then, I'd turn over and sprint toward Slumberland.
As the children got a little older, and I got a little smarter, we became ingenious at finding ways to spend time alone together. After ensuring their safety by locking up all razor blades, lethal weapons and blow torches, we planted the kids in front of an animated video and plied them with a bag of M&Ms. That maneuver could usually buy us a few minutes alone -- until they fought over who got all the green candy.
Now, with a house full of teens, videos and sweets don't work as well anymore, but sending them to the movies does! The key is: Be creative and find ways to meet your husband's physical needs.
Behind Closed Doors
There's an old country song, "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors." I don't want to know and your kids certainly don't need to know what goes on in your bedroom. Privacy is an issue. This is not rocket science. First, teach your children to always knock on closed doors. Then, purchase a lock for your bedroom door and install it. Finally, buy a second latch for piece of mind. Do your children a favor and don't scar them for life with a visual image they shouldn't see.
Educate Yourself
Find out what the experts say about keeping the romance alive. Nancy C. Anderson's book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage has a whole chapter that deals with satisfying your mate. She says,
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CRL invites nominations for collection purchases in the FY15 Purchase Proposal Program until September 30.
Jun 13 2011
CRL Membership Reaches Historic Level
As of July 1, the CRL community will include 260 institutions, with 14 libraries joining since the beginning of 2011.
Jun 13 2011
CRL Digital Delivery Surpasses Three Million Pages
CRL's digital production program has now digitized over three million pages for scholars at CRL libraries, representing the digital conversion of approximately 16,000 items to date.
Jun 11 2011
Find CRL Staff at ALA Annual Conference
CRL staff members will attend this year's ALA Annual Conference in New Orleans, June 23–26, on a limited basis to report on, and gather input for, CRL programs. Schedule a time to meet with one of our team, or plan to attend a Global Resources Network meeting.
Jun 1 2011
CRL and LAMP Support Digitization of Brazilian Human Rights Collection
Records of Brazil's Supreme Military Tribunal, protected by LAMP for 25 years, will be digitized in Brazil.
May 16 2011
SAMP Acquires Ceylon Times 1924–30
SAMP has acquired 84 microfilm reels containing issues of Ceylon Times from 1924 to 1930.
May 16 2011
New CRL Board and CSPC Members
CRL announces the election of two new board members and additions to the Collections and Services Policy Committee.
May 16 2011
CRL and California Digital Library Developing Print Archives Preservation Registry
CRL is working with the California Digital Library to develop a Print Archives Preservation Registry (PAPR). This registry will support research library and consortium efforts to archive and manage critical print serial collections in an informed and cost-effective manner.
May 13 2011
Valuable Atomic Energy Reports in TRAIL
TRAIL has digitized over 20,000 U.S. federal technical reports, including documents produced by the U.S. Atomic Energy Commission, which was responsible for the peacetime use of atomic science and technology from 1946 until 1974. Much of this information is extremely valuable today in light of the recent nuclear disaster in Japan.
May 13 2011
Argentine Folklore Collection Available through LAMP
LAMP has acquired a microfilm collection of approximately 88,000 pages of manuscript songs, legends, nursery rhymes, and traditional stories from rural Argentina.
May 6 2011
New CRL Analysis: "Preserving News in the Digital Environment"
A 2011 CRL report produced for the Library of Congress gives an overview of news workflow and production systems and insights on the "lifecycle" of news content.
CRL Connect
Keep up-to-date with the latest CRL news and events delivered straight to your inbox. Take a look at a recent mailing, and sign up now!


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January 24, 2014
Open Text price target raised to $120 from $110 at RBC Capital
RBC Capital increased its price target on Open Text after the company reported stronger than expected results. The firm thinks that investors are becoming more upbeat about the company's model ,and it keeps an Outperform rating on the shares.
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Welcome to PSERS!
September 15, 2014
Regional Offices
All of PSERS' Regional Offices will be closing at 5 p.m. on Tuesday, October 21, 2014, and re-open on Friday morning, October 24, 2014 at 8:30 a.m.
August 25, 2014
Foundations For Your Future
The PSERS Foundations For Your Future Programs are designed to give public school employees an overview of their retirement benefits. These programs provide all active members with general information about PSERS' benefits and services. Attendance at a Foundations for Your Future Program will help you begin to plan for your retirement early in your career. Click here to read more information on our Foundations for Your Future Programs.
June 17, 2014
Press Release
Public School Employees' Retirement System posts quarter investment performance and announces Financial Reporting Award - Fund reports 3.61 percent return for the quarter ended March 31, 2014 which added nearly $1.7 billion. Click here to read the Press Release!
March 17, 2014
Press Release
Public School Employees' Retirement Board Selects New Chief Investment Officer
James H. Grossman, Jr. named Chief Investment Officer
Quick Links
Comprehensive Annual Financial Report


text: Lastolite is launching a device designed to make it easier to view photographs on a laptop outdoors. The Ezyview is a water-resistant collapsible cube, which fits over the top of a laptop cutting out the effect of reflections from the sun; it includes two slots, one for viewing and one enabling access to the keyboard. The Ezyview is available from Johnsons Photopia. Find out more at www.johnsons-photopia.co.uk or by calling 01782 753333.


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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Darias.Perenolde said...
I'd bet ya anything there will be a bunch of level one toons that will be rolling on the server for this event. I think it's an awesome idea, but one that won't be possible if Blizzard kills level one's being in raids...
This has been your Darias "OMG don't kill meh level 1 raidz!!!111" post of the day. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Absoutely! I was recently priviledged to attend the Dead Man's Run on Perenolde (hosted by Darias and Sleeper Cartel), and the Pink Ribbon event on Farstriders (hosted by ECC) and if the minimum level for a raid changes, this will kill such events. Likewise, it would kill other social events such as memorial services or fun things like wand parties.
Perhaps Blizzard could find a way around this without destroying the spirit of fun that can be had.


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COLDWATER, MI (WTVB) - In Branch County high school sports last night, in volleyball, Coldwater lost a five game match at home to Three Rivers. The host Lady Cardinals took the first two games 25-20, 25-22, but Three Rivers rallied and swept the next three for the victory 25-19, 25-8,15-12. Shelby Bowers had a team-high 10 kills for Coldwater. Meghan Schorfhaar led the way in digs with 19 while Carlee Smoker had 18 assists. The defeat dropped Coldwater's record to 12-10-and-8. Tomorrow night, the Lady Cardinals have a SMAC East match at Harper Creek.
There was a split in last night's reserve matches. The Wildcats beat the Coldwater j-v team 2-1. Shelby Kahler had 8 digs and 4 kills. Breanna Eddy had 3 blocks and Stacy Guzy and Sammie Pool each had 3 aces. Coldwater won the freshman match 2-0. Kaitlyn Gallant had 4 aces, Cassidy Wolff had 2 digs, and Gallant, Allison Butler, and Brooke Lafferty had 2 kills apiece.
Last night in boys soccer, Quincy was a winner on the road, beating Hillsdale 5-3 in an ISL Conference match. Quincy's Evan Albright scored the first goal of the game at the 36:26 mark off a cross from Jake Rider. The Oriole's second goal came from Rider on an assist from Nick Haberl at 12:36. Jared Hammill then scored off a rebound at the 6:56 mark to give Quincy a 3-0 halftime lead. Rider opened the second half scoring with his second goal of the night on a pass from Albright at the 37:46 mark. Hillsdale started a comeback and closed the gap to 4-2 before Quincy got some breathing room when Daniel Ojeda scored on an assist from Hammill with 1:26 to play. Hillsdale closed out the scoring with 40 seconds left on a penalty kick to make it a 5-3 final. Quincy outshot Hillsdale 16-7 on the night. The Orioles improved to 14-3 overall and 8-2 in the ISL West Division.
Monday in girls golf, Coldwater ended its regular season with an 8th place finish out of 16 teams that played in the Jackson Lumen Christi Titan Invitational at the Country Club of Jackson. With a number of top schools in the state in the field, Coldwater shot a team score of 392. Okemos won the event with a 353 score. Leading the way for Coldwater was Anna Wendorf with a 92, Jami Maxson had a 96, Emma Dwyer shot a 99, Cecelia Ward carded a 105, and Kait Vella had a 114. Coldwater will play on Thursday at the Lake Doster golf course in the Division 3 Regional hosted by Plainwell to see who advances to the State tournament.
In boys tennis from over the weekend, Coldwater had a fourth place finish out of 8 teams in Saturday's SMAC Gold Division tournament in Portage. St. Joseph won the conference championship. Leading Coldwater by placing third in their flights were Derek Sammons at first singles along with the third doubles team of Keagan Dwyer and Nolan Duda. The Cardinals will play Thursday in the Division Three Regional at Sturgis.
On today's high school schedule, in boys soccer, Coldwater will host Portage Central in their final game of the SMAC Gold Division league tournament. The Cardinals were ranked tenth in this week's Division 2 coaches poll while Portage Central is honorable mention in Division One. Tonight's match begins around 6:45 following the j-v game which starts at five o'clock. In volleyball, Quincy hosts Athens, Union City hosts Springport, and Bronson plays in a Gull Lake mini-tournament. And in cross country, Quincy and Union City have a Big 8 jamboree at Jonesville while Bronson runs in a St. Joe Quad at White Pigeon. Today on the Coaches Corner, it's Quincy football coach Rob Evans.
In middle school sports, in volleyball, Bronson swept a pair of matches at home by 5-0 scores over White Pigeon. In the 8th grade match, Kiana Mayer had 22 kills and 3 blocks while Adyson Lasky had 17 aces. And in the 7th grade match, Kiera Lasky had 22 aces, Jolie Smoker had 5 kills, and Ashton Wronikowski had 5 assists.


text: IT ALL STARTS AT THE CIACheck out this free guide that spotlights the hottest culinary career tracks and our alumni who are working in these diverse and amazing jobs. Read MoreValuable Grants AvailableStart planning for 2015. Get started on the culinary career of your dreams with the help of a CIA seasonal grant. Read MoreApplied Food StudiesAnnouncing a new CIA bachelor's degree program to educate students for careers in food policy, advocacy, health, communications, and more.Read MoreSenior Edge for 2015 High School GraduatesA unique program helping high school seniors make the CIA their first choice!Read MoreCIA Alumni Do it AllOur 46,000-strong network of alumni can testify to the exceptional value of a CIA education.Read More CIA News The Culinary Institute of America and Millbrook Vineyards & Winery Partner to Create the 24th Annual Harvest Party Tokyo Chef-Restaurateur David Myers Inspires Graduates of The Culinary Institute of America, Singapore Beckstoffer Encourages CIA Graduates to Preserve Agriculture More News Oct 04 New York Admissions Information Session Oct 04 New York Veterans Information Session 10-04-14 Oct 06 New York Admissions Information Session


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Natural Features & Ecosystems
The topography of the Arkansas River Valley in the vicinity of the fort is gently sloping. The bedrock is Bridge Creek Limestone, a member of the Greenhorn Limestone Formation. The river valley has quarternary alluvium deposits from the Wisconsin age that is overlaid with recent alluvial deposits. The museum collection has several examples of fossils. The region has a potential for oil and minerals but to date no exploration or development is planned.
- August 26th, 1870, Peter G. Scott describes in his diary the river and its banks outside the fort.
--"It runs quite rapidly, is clear and has a fringe of . . trees along its banks most places and a narrow strip of green grass, behind which rise sand bluffs."
Did You Know?
One of the most interesting items described as being at Bent's Fort was "a regularly established billiard room". Mentioned by many original visitors, the billiard table is as surprising to modern visitors as it was 160 years ago. The impressive table measures 6ft. by 12ft.


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This voucher is valid for a 2-night stay in a Standard Room for two adults, with full English breakfast on both mornings, a 3-course à la carte dinner on the first night and a complimentary glass of sparkling wine. Arrivals on a Sunday night will receive an upgrade to a Superior Room (subject to availability on arrival). Vouchers are valid for 2-night stays from 16 November until 15 May, 2013. Not available on 24-27 December, 30 December-1 January; 14 February; 28 March-1 April; 3-6 May, 2013. A limited number of rooms per night are available, so early booking is advised. Subject to availability. See below for full terms and conditions. Now sold out: 15, 22 February. The restaurant is closed on 14 December, so if you arrive on this date, dinner will be on the second night.See all terms
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The friendliness and the excellent food
|30 July 2014 julia United Kingdom
Excellent value for money (using offer). Nice location. Superb food.
|29 July 2014 Richard United Kingdom
The building was olde world and inviting. Very remote and quiet and relaxing.
Run as a budget hotel with a distinct shortage of staff and nothing offered unless it was asked for especially at meal times. Dogs are welcomed in this hotel, not mentioned previously and also allowed in the dining areas.!!
|22 July 2014 Neil United Kingdom
Beautiful location and lovely grounds, very relaxed atmosphere. All the staff seemed relaxed, happy and efficient, it seemed the management care about their staff as well as their guests. The food menu was extensive and delicious, very good value for money. We certainly hope to return. Wonderful, many thanks.
|22 July 2014 Julie United Kingdom
The food, both evening meal and breakfasts.
Our ground floor room had a private outside seating area which was delightful.
|20 July 2014 Sandra United Kingdom
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