text:
. . . do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. —Ephesians 6:4
Karen is almost finished preparing dinner. "Russell," she calls out to her 8-year-old adopted son, "turn off the TV and put your toys away. It's time to wash up and come to the table. It's almost time to eat." Russell does not move. Karen wonders if he hears her over the television. She calls out to him again, but this time her voice is slightly irritated. Russell squirms but does not move.
Karen's frustration is mounting. She walks over to Russell and stands between him and the TV. "Russell, I've told you to get ready for dinner and you are not even starting to clean up. Look at me when I am talking to you." Russell makes eye contact with his mother, then averts his gaze. Karen interprets Russell's behavior as disrespectful and defiant. Russell has already begun to tune Karen out as she says something about going to his room "by the count of three." When he remains frozen in his seat, Karen grabs him by the arm and pulls him down the hall to his room. She puts him on his bed and pulls the door closed behind her. As she walks down the hall she calls to Russell, "Stay there until I come back for you."
Does this sound like a scene from your own home? You may identify with Karen, or you may believe that she was overreacting to Russell. This article series will help clarify some of the unique challenges of disciplining children who have been adopted, discipline methods that may or may not be effective, handling differences in discipline among siblings and the essential component of coming to agreement as parents.
Let me begin by saying that committing to personal prayer and having a support network of people praying for you and supporting you in tangible ways is key throughout parenting. Many people are tempted to isolate themselves when they run into difficulties in childrearing.This can be true in adoptive families due to a perceived lack of understanding, interest or desire to help. But instead of isolating yourself and your family during difficult times, run to God, through prayer and Bible reading, and run to your friends and family. Pursue professional help if needed. And know that along the way, you and your spouse will continue to learn and grow when it comes to nurture and discipline for your family. A lot of patience and grace will go a long way in maintaining important relationships throughout the journey.
The goal in balancing discipline and nurture is helping your child mature into an emotionally, spiritually and physically healthy individual. If you only focus on behavior change, you will not raise a healthy individual. You must initiate and develop a deep and abiding connection with your child. Keep in mind that children need to learn to assess situations and take action considering the likely outcome. To do this, a child needs to learn to respond immediately to parental imperatives, choose an option from those given by a parent and make mistakes that can be corrected in the safety of home and family.
Consider the relationship God wants to have with us. As humans, we respond to His love for us by loving and wanting to please Him in return — not because we have to but because we choose to.
You must reach through your child's hurt and see beyond those behaviors intended to distance you. Remember that the behaviors that frustrate you are very often intended to keep him safe (or to make him feel safe). Be patient and stay focused on the long-term goals of connection and relationship. As you do, you will be presenting a model of God's patience and love for us. Sometimes your child will be able to articulate why he disobeyed or misbehaved and other times he may not know or cannot explain it to you. In either case, it is up to you to nurture the connection and help your child to grow in the right direction.
Understanding the reasons for your child's behavior and responses is important, but the truth is that some adoptive parents may never know the full extent of their child's underlying problems for a number of reasons (e.g., the child being too young at the time of any abuse to put the experience into words or the child having a sparse history due to adoption from overseas or multiple placements).
However, be encouraged that neither parents nor children need to understand or know everything that has happened in the child's past or inside the child in the present in order for there to be healing and attachment. Now, let's look at some of the challenges you might run into when dealing with discipline.
Disciplining a child who has been adopted presents a number of unique challenges.
You may feel that others are evaluating you as a person and as a parent as you establish your own family rules and expectations. Many parents find it difficult negotiating this balance between themselves and are even more frustrated trying to explain their decisions to family and friends.
Another challenge is the fact that children with multiple broken attachments and abuse often do not respond well to traditional methods of discipline, such as "time outs," corporal punishment, grounding or a demand to make eye contact and immediately obey their parents. In fact, these methods may actually escalate conflict with the child.
And still another challenge to parents in disciplining their adopted child is that the child may bring pain from his past into the new family. The new family then experiences pain they neither caused nor expected. Many parents become discouraged and confused when this happens.
Before adoption and early in the adoption process many parents believe the love they provide their child will heal any early wounds and the adopted child will respond to them like other securely attached children. However, if and when this does not happen, the parents may feel hurt and rejected. They may become angry at this unfair situation and find it difficult to respond to their new son or daughter with compassion. They may even become angry at God and with each other. And all the while their new child and any other children in the home need them to be a team — to be secure, loving and compassionate toward each other and their family.
Traditional methods of discipline can work well for children adopted at birth or without complicated attachment histories. In these situations, the parents have provided the love and nurture the children need in order to accept discipline as the loving training it is designed to be. On the other hand, children who are adopted when they are older or who have more complicated histories are not likely to respond well to some traditional methods.
Why is this? For one reason, an adopted child with a history of multiple placements and abuse often feels threatened by giving control to parents. This creates an impasse for both the parents and the child. Despite the child's fear and resistance, he needs to allow the parents to be in control. He needs to experience his parents' control as safe and allow them to meet his needs. These experiences help his heart heal. (See the series on attachment and bonding and the need/arousal cycle.) For this reason, parents need to nurture the child at all times — when she behaves and when she misbehaves. Building trust and attachment must take precedence over "fixing" the child's present behavior.
"Time outs," behavior charts, love withdrawal, deprivation, grounding and reacting in anger do not work with many adopted children because they often have trouble thinking consequentially, and because isolation feels safe to them (i.e., they fear relationships even though they yearn for relationship).
Remember, this is the bigger picture to keep in mind when you are frustrated by your child's behavior. Rather than fixing the behavior or understanding your child's underlying problems based on his history, you need to create safety and security so that she can experience emotional connectedness and healing.
Let's take a closer look at what can go wrong when using traditional discipline methods and some possible alternatives:
Time Outs. "Time outs" are ineffective because adopted children need "time ins." They need ongoing interaction with the people who love them. Sending a child to be alone with instructions to calm down, think about what she has done and not come back until she's ready to behave makes no sense. A securely attached child responds to a time out from a position of wanting to please his parents and be in their presence. An adopted child with attachment issues may not yet even have this desire. And she often cannot calm herself without help. Before she came to your family, she may never have received the parental comforting she needed that would enable her to internalize that model and calm herself. Time with the parent when she is misbehaving can teach her to calm down and also to engage with people appropriately.
So if your adopted preschooler pokes your dog in the eye, do not send him to another room for a time out. Gently, but firmly, take his hand in yours, possibly look him in the face or have him sit in your lap, and say, "Gentle touches. We don't use hands to hurt." Then help him form an appropriate behavior. For example, if you feel confident he is mad at you for not letting him watch more TV and the dog was safe and easy to hurt, you may tell him, "Say, 'Mom, I'm mad at you,'" with an appropriate scowl on your face. He may react inappropriately again, but he will learn in time that it will not result in you not loving him anymore or sending him away from you. Instead, he'll get increased physical contact with you and emotional connectedness — the very things he needs though he likely does not want.
When might time apart be appropriate? Consider another example. If your teenage son curses at you and slaps you across the face, do not respond in kind. It may feel correct to slap him back, send him to his room and ground him for life. However, any of these responses will likely provoke further verbal and physical aggression. (Depending on the severity of the situation, recruiting outside help may be necessary.)
In this type of circumstance, it is wise to first remove yourself from the situation until you have both calmed down or you are calm enough to help him calm down. This is most easily done by walking out of the room and not saying any last words. If your child follows you, still trying to provoke you, then you may need to go into a room and lock the door. Although you are not staying with him through the physical and emotional arousal, he will likely calm down with a bit of isolation. Remember, he wants that distance.
When you are ready to re-engage, don't try to immediately talk through what just happened; instead, if possible, do an activity together. He knows what he did was wrong. A lecture won't help at that moment. Later, you can tell him what the consequence of his action will be. (Make sure it is something that requires more time together.)
Behavior Charts. Behavior charts are problematic for adopted children for two reasons. The first is that it seems nonsensical to be rewarded for behaviors that are not exceptional. For example, making the bed, not having a tantrum in a store, taking out the trash — these are behaviors that are reasonable to expect. They are not behaviors that require rewards. The second reason behavior charts do not typically work with these children is that they often have a poor ability to understand time. A goal of earning points all week may seem impossible. The adopted child may perceive this as an expectation of him to be perfect forever. Because this is too much pressure, he will intentionally not earn the reward.
If your elementary-aged child does not throw a tantrum in the store, you can tell his stuffed animals, "Andy did well not yelling in the store." The praise is appropriate to the behavior, not overdone, and given indirectly so the child can overhear the praise without having to "do something" with it. This is the path of least resistance for a child who needs to undermine his achievements or disagree with Mom and Dad. If the child has no problem accepting positive feedback then, of course, address the child directly. Again, keep it low key and appropriate to the behavior. Not yelling may be excellent progress for Andy; however, it is within normal expectations.
Love Withdrawal. Love withdrawal occurs when parents withdraw emotionally and physically to change a child's behavior. This rarely works well as a form of discipline even with well-attached children. It will not work as a form of discipline for adopted children.
The adopted child has already experienced the greatest loss possible when she lost her biological parents. Trying to wait until she demonstrates loving behavior toward you before you show love to her will not work. Because of her previous loss, she can certainly hold out longer than you can. Worse yet, withholding expressions of love only reinforces her belief that she is not lovable, that she cannot be loved and that love is painful. In the meantime, no healing is taking place and she is not getting any closer to claiming you as her parent.
All children need to know that their parents' love for them is unconditional. This may not always be easy, but unconditional love modeled by the parents then provides a path to understanding God's unconditional love for us.
Deprivation. Depriving a child of things may be a popular way to change behavior but it does not reach the heart. As you can well imagine, the child may begin to work the system. For example, he may begin to think, If I feed the dog then I get my computer back. In this instance, we would want the child to begin to experience some empathy for the hungry dog and possibly desire to please Mom and Dad. However, this is only going to happen over time as the child allows himself to attach to the dog and the parents. In the short term, it's all about the child's wants.
Depriving a child of things seldom works with a previously abused child because the child rarely truly needs whatever is being taken away. He will tell you he didn't want it anyway. In fact, he would rather have control than things any day. Your child needs time interacting with his parents, not with things.
So if your adolescent makes a mess in the family room, don't just tell him, "No more Xbox till you've put everything else away," and expect him to clean up by himself. Instead, say, "I see there is a mess in the family room. Let's clean up together, and then we can have some game time together." The joint effort enhances connection and takes the power struggle out of the interaction.
Grounding. Parents who use grounding as a method of discipline are also working at a disadvantage. The child may be used to doing whatever he wants without getting permission. If he's not grounded he assumes he can still do anything that hasn't been specifically ruled out. Instead, parents need to be the ones who give permission because the child needs limits to be safe. Thus, parents need to be asked on a regular basis for permission to participate in activities. This control may need to last longer for some children than others. For example, a child who has experienced trauma will need to experience the safety of his parents' control in his life, and establishing this sense of safety will take time.
Corporal Punishment. This articles series on nurture and discipline would not be complete without a discussion of spanking. Parents who have ongoing relationships with the adoption agency or social services will need to abide by the agency rules when it comes to spanking. If you have the freedom to make this decision without agency dictates, the following are issues you need to consider when deciding the appropriateness of spanking your adopted child: your primary goal in parenting, your definition of spanking, your guidelines for when to spank and when not to spank, and how your adopted child's age and individual history inform this decision.
Remember, your primary goal is to establish an environment that will encourage attachment and trust. Therefore, consider what your definition of a spanking is and when you believe it is appropriate. For the sake of this discussion, a spank will be defined as a swat with an open palm to the fleshy part of a clothed bottom. A spanking of one to three swats should sting just enough to get the child's attention in order to redirect the child. Spanking should occur infrequently after the age of five and be phased out by 10 years old in favor of other disciplinary skills.1 A spank is to be used only to shape predetermined behaviors that pose immediate danger to the child or to someone else, or when the child directly, willfully disobeys you.
In light of this, parents should never spank an infant (age range 0-18 months). It is the parents' responsibility to keep the baby safe by maintaining a safe environment. An infant is not being defiant by squirming when having diapers changed or making a mess when being fed. An infant is exploring his environment. Provide distraction while changing diapers so you can get the job done. And plan on cleaning up the kitchen too many times to count.
The decision to spank or not must also be specific to the parents and child. Spanking can escalate or exacerbate the conflict rather than correct a behavior. It must take into account the child's history (abuse, neglect, RAD, etc.). Most experts agree that it is never appropriate to spank a child who has been abused.
You must never spank out of anger. It must only be in response to a predetermined set of behaviors. Traditionally, this has been when the child is putting himself at risk or is being intentionally defiant. Therefore, it is not appropriate to spank if you find yourself reacting to your child pushing your buttons. In this situation, it is not fostering connection and long-term health. You have just lost control and, in so doing, lost your ability to provide safety and security.
Responding to an adopted child in anger or disciplining him while you are angry will not result in the healing and change of behavior that you desire. Indeed, previously abused children are comfortable with you becoming angry. Anger keeps the emotional distance between you.
If the child was adopted as an infant, then the child may respond to a spanking as another well-attached child would. However, keep in mind that even an adopted infant will grieve his birthmother's voice and heartbeat and can struggle with attachment issues later. The older the child is at the time of adoption and the more complicated his history, however, the more likely he should never be spanked. You may feel that the older child may be the child who could most benefit from spanking; however, that is least likely to be the case and points to anger that is unresolved in you. (If you find yourself struggling in this area, seek professional help from a licensed therapist specializing in adoption issues.)
If possible, understanding any past injuries (emotional or physical) unique to your child will help you as you seek healthy discipline methods. Keep in mind that healthy methods of discipline should account for the child's age and personality and the parents' and the child's needs for control, safety, proximity and consistency in order to create a new environment where attachment and trust can grow.
Parents often think of their child in terms of her chronological age. When you think of your adopted child, you need to consider her chronological age and her emotional age. Her emotional age may be significantly younger than her chronological age. You may have a child who is 10 years old but functions as a 4-year-old. You will need to tailor your interactions with her to the level of a 4-year-old. This includes not only your expectations for her behavior, but also the words you use to describe those expectations.
In addition, it means setting her boundaries in line with a lower age level. In so doing you will begin to make up for the parental care she needed but did not receive during her early development. As you interact with her according to her emotional age, she will have the chance to "catch up" and thus actually "grow up" in the progressive manner God designed. If you have a 6-year-old who functions as a 4-year-old, then you will want to set a limit such as, "You may ride your bike to the end of the cul-de-sac while I am watching." As she matures, "You may ride around the block when you have my permission."
You need to help your child out of the aroused state of fear that often comes with discipline and bring him into a calm emotional state with you. If you will decrease your child's stress level, he will have the opportunity to learn from experience, which is necessary for change.
Let's say that Jane's 4-year-old daughter picks the deli counter line to lie down on the floor and begin kicking and screaming. What should she do? This is a nightmare for most parents who would rather crawl in a hole than have their child act up in the grocery store. Although it may be very annoying if you are near the end of your shopping trip and the cart is full, your best response is likely to be picking up your child, with special attention to restrain flailing limbs, and carrying her out to the car, leaving the shopping cart for the store attendants to deal with.
Tantrums lose most of their energy without onlookers. When the tantrum is over, you may or may not choose to go back into the store. If you do choose to go back in, remind her what the rules are for grocery stores (for example: stay in the cart at all times, do not take things off the shelves and no yelling). Usually after a few times of leaving the store the child realizes she can't manipulate you with misbehavior and these outings become easier.
If you're dealing with an older child, obviously you can't keep him buckled in the cart. You can, however, require him to keep a hold of the cart with one hand, not take things off the shelves and not yell. If the hand comes off the cart, the cart stops moving until the situation is resolved. Again, usually "bad behaviors" decrease without an audience, so rapid departure, child in tow, may still be the best option. Don't start naming off consequences to be expected when you get home, as that will only escalate the arousal level for both of you.
Let's return to the story of Karen and Russell at the beginning of this article series. We must be aware that Karen is struggling internally because of the pain Russell has brought into her life. She is grieved because she didn't expect the adoption experience to go this way. Karen thought that her love for Russell would knock down all barriers and he would love her in return. She thought about the home where he first lived. She thought of his lengthy abuse history and multiple foster placements. She especially thought about saving him from all that. So why is Russell rejecting and disdaining her?
The key that Karen has not understood yet is that all of Russell's broken attachments and unmet needs have resulted in him feeling terribly threatened and fearful. Russell is not choosing to be defiant in order to "thank" his mom for adopting him. He simply needs different approaches to learning appropriate behavior. He needs approaches that see incremental change as successful.
So, when Karen told Russell to look at her, and he did for a few seconds, but then averted his gaze, that was a positive step for him. She can change the course of the interaction by sitting near him on the couch, taking a moment to calm herself, then saying, "Russell, let's get ready to eat." He may look at her or not and he may or may not say a word. She may then gently put her hand on his and say, "Let's turn off the TV and put the toys away." She can begin to put up the toys, modeling what she wants him to do. She should not put away everything. Russell should help. (This may take some time, so she should turn off the kitchen appliances.) After the room is reasonably clean, they can move to the sink, wash hands and sit to eat together. This will be different than she expected, but step-by-step they will connect.
It is also very important to consider your child's personality and history when you are going to be transitioning to a new activity (e.g., going somewhere, getting ready for bed, picking up toys, etc.). Some children are able to quickly shift from one activity to another. Other children need a little advance notice of what is coming. This might mean going into the room, making eye contact — or otherwise establishing that what you are saying is being heard — and then saying something like, "Russell, dinner will be ready in about 20 minutes. In about 10 minutes you'll need to start getting ready to come to the table. I'll set the timer to remind you." Timers are helpful because they are objective when we are not. You may still need to come alongside and move through the transition together, but in time it will become easier.
Each approximation is a good thing, not a failure because it did not reach the final goal. As your child's fear lessens, he will not always have an immediate fight, flight or freeze reaction. He can learn the cause and effect of his actions.
On really hard days, parents who have adopted a child with significant attachment problems need to remember that their child's rejection is not personal. Their child would reject anyone who tried to love her. She does not know what she needs. She fears letting someone else have control. She will protect herself against any further pain by denying that her new parents are important to her. Her thinking may be something like this: When they get rid of me it will be on my own terms. I made them do it and it doesn't hurt so much because I don't love them.
Remember, if you use discipline methods that heighten the stress level and physiological arousal, you will reinforce the patterns of brain activity, emotional response and behavior that you want to extinguish. If you help your child calm down and connect with you even when you are correcting his behavior, you will create an environment where he can flourish.
If your child is acting out more severely than the examples given in this article series, you will need professional help to devise a workable plan for your family. This series is not meant to provide individualized advice. It is impossible to address the numerous unique situations that parents will face. Don't hesitate to seek professional help if the situation is beyond your control.
For a variety of reasons, the nurture and discipline needs of children who have been verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually abused are more complicated than those of children who have not been abused. As we delve deeper into this important topic, I want to first establish the keys to nurturing and disciplining the abused child:
By following these keys, you will offer the healing experience of meeting your child's needs. Your child will begin to learn that you, as her parent, can have control and she still can be safe. In time, she can let go of some of her vigilance and attach to you.
In the following paragraphs we'll look deeper at a few of these specific methods:
Correct without shaming or breaking your emotional and physical connection. If a previously sexually abused child begins to stimulate himself while in your lap, then you need to distract the child from that activity; this could be done in several ways and would be determined by you, the parent. You might begin by simply shifting positions. If the child's sexualized behavior continues, you need to correct it verbally. Be sure not to shame your child (verbally or nonverbally) while correcting this behavior. Even if you shame the child nonverbally, the child is likely to internalize this as: There is something wrong with me. This is very confusing for the child because this activity may have been encouraged in her previous placement.
You might simply say, "Mommy (or Daddy) loves to snuggle with you. But rubbing like that is not part of snuggling. If you keep doing that you'll have to sit next to me instead of in my lap." Then continue with the story and snuggle time because that continues the nurture and emotional connection.
If the behavior still persists, then stop reading and get up and engage in something more active: walking around the block together, baking cookies and so on. (Some parents might choose this option first.) Consider the fact that the inappropriate behavior may seem normal to the child and it will take time to reshape the child's understanding of what is appropriate and inappropriate. Or the child may have become bored and so started to stimulate himself. Even children who have never been abused may engage in some type of self-stimulation when bored.
Of course, sometimes parents send a shame message and break the connection physically and emotionally. If this happens for you, then prepare yourself for how you'll handle that situation differently, with compassion, when the opportunity arises again. Practicing your words beforehand can be very helpful. Your child needs to learn about appropriate touch that is not sexualized. Your child also needs to understand that sexualized touching is not appropriate for children. At some point, you can talk about the fact that those people who taught her this behavior were wrong. This lays the groundwork to explain that sexualized touching is only appropriate between husband and wife.
Be specific with your expectations. Your hurt child may not understand that behavior falls on a continuum. You will need to clearly explain what the child needs to do. For example, you might use numbers when talking about expectations: 5 being the best behavior and 1 being unacceptable behavior. For a child of 8 or 10 years old, the expectations for making his bed might be 1) climbing out of bed and leaving it completely unmade; 3) pulling the sheets and blanket up and placing the pillow at the head of the bed; and 5) tucking in the sheets and blanket and smoothing out the comforter, placing the pillow at the head of the bed and putting the stuffed animals in order. Be very specific in your explanation of desired behaviors. If you want your child to make his bed with the sheets tucked in, say that. If you want the animals nicely displayed, say that.
Oftentimes we expect our children to know these things without our saying them. Also, our children may have learned to pretend they know more than they do or have more capabilities than they do. See what they are capable of, and then tailor your requests so they can build self-worth by incremental success.
Be flexible. Remember to be flexible. This is especially important when it comes to things you cannot control. Primary examples of this are eating and bodily functions.
It makes sense to accommodate when it comes to eating. The child may hoard food because she is afraid there won't be any the next time she is hungry. Or she may desire sweets all the time. Do not allow her to have a refrigerator in her room. Instead, keep a good supply of healthy snacks and offer her food throughout the day. Let her know she can ask you anytime she needs something to eat. The significant difference is that you are the one providing the food. As she learns that there is food available and that you are safe and not shaming her, this need will pass. Also, meeting these basic needs allows for bonding so that she can move beyond these needs to other, deeper ones.
For the common problem of destroying toys, do not get upset and talk about what the toy was worth or ask your child why he did it. Instead, you could respond with something like, "We can't play with that one anymore. We'll put it in the trash." Then walk to the trash can together and throw the ruined toy away. One less toy is not really a problem. You may be concerned that you'll end up throwing all the toys away. Usually that does not happen. Sometimes saying less and taking immediate action accomplishes more in this situation.
However, you know your child's maturity level best. Talking through situations may work with some children. After seeing the broken toy, you might say, "You must really be hurting; let's talk about it." An emotionally immature child is not likely to respond in a way to clarify why she destroyed the toy. She may be unable to put into words why she is angry or hurting. Again, you know your child best. Keep his maturity level in mind when deciding how to respond.
Be aware of your tone, word choice and eye contact. Remember that children who have been abused are very vigilant to read their parents' attitudes without a word being spoken. They began doing this to protect themselves, and it is likely to become a skill they sharpen for the rest of their lives. Parents need to be willing to consider what they are communicating to their children through nonverbal as well as verbal cues. This may mean being willing to take feedback from a spouse, social worker or friend about something that you were not even aware of about yourself.
Parents of children who have been abused verbally and emotionally need to be cognizant of their tone, word choice and eye contact. They may learn over time that a certain word or combination of words sets their child off because it always preceded abuse in their biological family, prior placements or orphanage. Once parents become aware of these triggers, they can creatively work around them.
While these specific methods — and others mentioned — may seem lax in teaching correct behavior, they actually are quite stringent. The focus is not on letting the child do whatever she wants, but on teaching the child in every situation that the parent is ready, willing and able to be in charge. This loving control prepares the child so she can learn correct behaviors in a meaningful way.
Keep in mind that your other children are likely to feel stress and loss when a new child enters the home. This is true even if they have talked about wanting to adopt. The children are the barometers in the home. They will live out for you the increased stress level. Additionally, if you choose to use different methods of discipline, you may have to explain to the children already in the home why you have to discipline this child differently.
Let's take a look at how Karen might handle this with her other son John:
"Mom," John says, "do you still love me?"
Karen says, "Of course I love you, John. I'll always love you."
"But Mom, Russell gets away with all sorts of stuff, and then he still gets dessert."
"I know, John. It's not that he is getting away with stuff; it's that we have to correct him differently."
"But that's just it. You always send me to my room and you're always holding him in your lap. I want to sit in your lap. You don't love me the same."
"Oh, John, I'm sorry, I do love you. And I know it doesn't feel fair. Let's you and I have some snuggle time right now while Russell is sleeping. Would you like to do that?"
"And I'll talk with Dad about us making sure we have special time with you alone while Russell is getting adjusted to our home."
"And during those special times we spend with you, we can talk about ways we are treating you and Russell differently. We are still going to have to treat you differently, but maybe we can help you better understand why we are doing what we are doing."
Some parents may decide to completely revise their methods of discipline for children already in the home. That's okay, too. Other parents may decide to explain to the children that "Johnny gets spankings for disobeying Mommy and Daddy. Russell does not get spankings for disobedience because his birthparent hurt him and so he does not learn well when people correct him physically." Again, these decisions have to be specific to each family and to each child. And remember to use careful discretion when sharing personal information regarding your adopted child with others, including siblings.
Conversations similar to the one we saw between Karen and John foster increased understanding and sensitivity to what a child who has already been living in the home may feel. Parents must not deny that there is a difference in how the children are being treated. Don't dismiss the fact that the difference doesn't feel fair. If you deny it, your children will learn not to believe what you say. Always allow for further discussion later.
In the end, your other children may not need to understand and may not be capable of understanding why the new child gets treated differently. However, all of your children need your love, time and attention. You may feel like you have nothing more to give. On some days that may be true. Much more often, you must give more than you think you have on reserve so all the children are assured you treasure them. Remember, this will only last for a season. You do not want to regret having one child feel you sacrificed your relationship with him for your relationship with another child.
It is very likely that your once-stable home and family has been turned upside down during the process of adoption. You long for things to be as they once were. You also long for the desire of your heart to be met in loving, nurturing and sacrificing for your new child and having her love you in return. I submit for your consideration that you will be able to experience love given and love returned much sooner if you and your spouse take steps together to work toward your child's healing.
Just as you pursued adoption together, it is very important that you both commit to nurturing and disciplining your child using the same methods. If you are divided about what techniques to use, your child (or children) will perceive a crack in the unity between Mom and Dad and will find a way to exploit it.
You may have noticed your child giving Mom a harder time than Dad. This is especially true if Mom is the one providing the majority of the child's care. When faced with this situation, parents may disagree about how the child behaves and what needs to be done about it. However, it is vital that Mom and Dad work through these feelings together and find common ground. Having a united front and reinforcing each other's decisions is essential in successfully nurturing and disciplining your children. Those who fail to do this will, along with their children, suffer negative consequences. The worst consequences are: (1) sacrificing the primacy of the marriage and (2) delaying the child's progress to healing.
God has blessed you with this child through adoption. Now you must work together to bless this child by being the parents he so desperately needs.
As you seek to discipline your adopted child in creative ways, keep in mind that the goal is rarely to win this particular battle (though that may be important at certain times). Instead, the ultimate objective is to help your child grow in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men (Luke 2:52).
Never forget that when the Bible addresses the responsibility that parents have to discipline their children, "nurture" comes before "the admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4 KJV). Disciplining with your child's heart needs in mind will bring him or her to a place of wholeness where he or she can truly obey you — and God — from a healthy heart, soul and mind.


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Blue Fish Development Group
Blue Fish builds systems that give their clients control of their documents, processes and regulatory challenges. Blue Fish has been delivering Enterprise Content Management solutions since 1999 and with 100′s of projects under their belts, they've tackled just about every kind of content management challenge you can imagine – particularly in Oil and Gas, High Tech and Life Sciences. Experts in implementing Alfresco's business solutions and migrating companies from legacy platforms, Blue Fish leverages a reusable code library and proven methodologies to reduce risk, compress project schedules and keep fees low.
Blue Fish's number one goal is an elated client and they put an emphasis on delivering high quality solutions. Blue Fish backs up their promises with the Blue Fish Guarantee – if after you go live you discover a defect in their code, need some help or just have a question, they'll address it at no charge. Blue Fish also offers special perks to their clients including the Alfresco Multi-Point Inspections and exclusive Client Roundtables. With staff in Austin, Atlanta and Belgrade, Blue Fish serves both large companies and fast growing mid-market firms wherever they happen to be.

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Oscar de la Renta loves modernizing iconic prints. These tartan shorts are updated in a hot pink hue for a look that is positively sweet for your little girl. Crafted with the finest wool in Europe, these shorts are incredibly soft and warm. Pair with our colored tights to complete the look.
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DAY 1 AT 40TH ANNUAL BRIT 2:30 p.m.: I Love Lamp is live at BRIT. After spending nine out of the past 11 years covering this tourney, it feels good sitting at the scorer's table again. 2:33 p.m.: Quick predictions … Continue reading
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Romance is in the air, so add some whimsy to your look with the Dew strapless top from O'Neill. It features a faux button placket, crochet details, smocked fabric at the back and sides of the bust, dainty embroidery along the bottom hem and lace detail. This tube top exudes a fresh, light feeling that will make you feel demure, fanciful and oh-so-lovely all day long.
- 100% Cotton fabric
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- Model shown is wearing size M
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During the United States Supreme Court arguments over Obamacare, the nation got a rare treat: the chance to see (or at least hear) Paul Clement in action. Clement, a former U.S. Solicitor General and current partner at Bancroft PLLC, delivered a brilliant performance before the justices, a veritable master class in appellate advocacy. As Carter Phillips, a veteran SCOTUS litigator himself, told us here at Above the Law, Clement "did a spectacularly good job" and "was just on his game… over a much longer period of time than most of us are required to do it."
But even Clement couldn't save Section 3 of the highly problematic Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) from going down to defeat in the First Circuit. Before a panel with a majority of Republican-appointed judges, in fact.
Let's find out who was on the panel, whether there were any dissents, and what the court concluded….
Continue reading "Even Paul Clement Can't Successfully Defend the Defense of Marriage Act"


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Rumba Time Greenwich Silicone Watch
Sleek and fashionable watch from RumbaTime comes in bright colors to make you feel good and are made of silicone-rubber for comfort and performance. The watch is also water resistant and comes in a unique test-tube package. Look for it on celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Sarah Jessica Parker, Robert DeNiro and Katy Perry. Small - Most Women & Children (6 Inches / 160mm) Medium - Most Men & Some Women (7 Inches / 180mm) Large - Some Men (8 Inches / 200mm)
- RumbaTime analog unisex silicone watch
- 3 ATM (+/-100 feet) water resistant
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Here you will find art making, design appreciating, nature loving, brooklyn living, social justice shout-outs, do-gooders, soul-searching, non-profit thinkers, arts administrators, veggies, traveling, dancing, crafts, folk music, laughter and love.
This is a place where I collect some of the things that START ME UP. If you can, stay for a minute, and maybe you'll find a few things to get you started up as well!


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Create a lasting impression at formal events with our stylish collection of F&F tuxedos. Cut in slim and tailored fits and available in black or navy in a range of lapel styles, you'll find the perfect tuxedos here.
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†If you order online before 3pm Sunday to Friday, your order will be ready for collection from 4pm the next day. Excludes uniform embroidery.


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You already make it look easy - now hit the waves in style that radiates awesomeness in the V3 boardshorts from Fox. They feature a logo with a checkered web bursting out from it at the left leg, huge outlined "Fox" lettering at the right leg and a zippered side pocket with mesh lining that triples your confidence.
- 100% Polyester fabric
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We were hoping to successfully execute Plan B today, Mt. Willey. I went to bed last night thinking that we'd have a shot at it, if the trail/ladders weren't too icy and if we were well protected from the wind.
I awoke at the usual 5am, got the gear in the car, got myself ready, woke up Alex, got her ready, and then left the house. It was raining quite hard, and I had my first serious doubts about Willey.
Just before 6am, we went through the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru. We ordered our standard bagels with cream cheese and I got my very necessary large coffee. We drove off, the windshield wiper going full force and my doubts increasing.
It seems a few fog monsters ate Cannon and the Franconia Ridge. Those mountains were nowhere to be seen as we drove slowly through the Notch.
We continued along route 3, then turned onto 302. I noticed the entire Presidential Range had been replaced by a family of very mean-looking, dark, thick clouds. From bottom to top, these mountains had vanished. I began to wonder if we would be able to find Mount Willey, let alone climb it.
We found the trailhead, and now there was no question -- we were not going to get very far today. The clouds were dark and thick, the rain was cold and steady, and everything was dark even though it was past sunrise. The entire environment seemed to scream "Go Away!" If it were summer and I thought it would clear and warm up, I would have had some hope. However, I knew the temps were going to plummet, and that this mess may not clear up at all.
However -- I wanted Alex to assess the situation for herself. I had explained the forecast and she knew what to expect regarding the trails ahead of us (she chose the route for today).
I told her we would do what she thought we should. That we could start up the trail and I would turn us around if I felt it was becoming too dangerous. Or, we could just attempt the whole thing on another day. That I was game either way, and she could decide.
Alex looked around at the sky, thought for a while, and then slowly said that she thought we should wait. Her main reason was that the clouds looked "very scary." I told her that was fine, no worries. She then said she felt "strange" because she wasn't used to turning away from a hike, and that she felt "sad" that we haven't been hiking very much lately. I reminded her that safety comes first -- it's hard to reach a goal if you injure or kill yourself during the attempt. I think she truly gets this. I also told her that we've been hiking every weekend the weather's allowed, with the exception of the recent sick weeks we were all forced to take. I assured her that we will continue to do 4Ks as long as she wants to, though we may need to take a serious break once the snow really starts to hit.
[She is very, very proud of herself for being able to hike these mountains. She loves feeling like she's a part of the hiker community. She loves it when folks meet us on the trail, and she looks forward to meeting more and more fellow hikers, as time goes on.]
We left the gear in the car and walked up to the trailhead, a little ways away from the parking area. The cold rain came down, but we didn't mind it very much since we were so close to the car. We looked at the sign, and Alex thought it was funny that you have to cross railroad tracks to get to it.
We came back down, sat on some rocks, and talked for a bit. We were waiting for someone who had said they would meet us on the trail. We talked, explored the parking area, then eventually got tired of being rained on and retired to the car. Alex drew pictures of past hikes (Garfield and Hale), and most importantly -- we ate chocolate! We waited until it was half hour past the time I thought our fellow hiker was going to arrive, then I left a note for her and drove away. [We ended up just missing her, she had sent a message this morning telling me she was showing up a little later than originally planned...we had already left and I did not get the message until after we returned home -- rats!]
Not quite the morning I'd had in mind, but Alex and I had a nice time nonetheless.


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Effective January 1, 2011, gasoline generator sets on trailers or any other non-motorized mobile apparatus must have an EVAP generator set, approved tank, EVAP canister, hoses and fittings all meeting the CARB Tier 3 and EPA phase 3 standards and specifications. This law applies in all 50 states.EPA Requirements for RV Generators Click Here for Onan Slide Presentation
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Federal Reserve Board economist to give presentation in series by UM-Dearborn Center for Economic and Entrepreneurial Education
November 10, 2008
DEARBORN / Nov. 10, 2008---Sam Kahan, senior economist in the Detroit office of the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago, will discuss Economics You Can Use at noon, Monday, Nov. 17 in Room 1030, CASL Building.
The presentation, which is free and open to the public, is sponsored by the UM-Dearborn School of Management Center for Economic and Entrepreneurial Education.
CONTACT: Terry Gallagher
The Office of University Relations
Room 1040, Administration Building
University of Michigan-Dearborn


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This information is provided under a cooperative agreement between the Better Business Bureau and the U. S. Federal Trade Commission (FTC), which has prepared this information.
Facts for Consumers
High-Rate, High-Fee Loans (HOEPA/Section 32 Mortgages)If you're refinancing your mortgage or applying for a home equity installment loan, you should know about the Home Ownership and Equity Protection Act of 1994 (HOEPA). The law addresses certain deceptive and unfair practices in home equity lending. It amends the Truth in Lending Act (TILA) and establishes requirements for certain loans with high rates and/or high fees. The rules for these loans are contained in Section 32 of Regulation Z, which implements the TILA, so the loans also are called "Section 32 Mortgages." Here's what loans are covered, the law's disclosure requirements, prohibited features, and actions you can take against a lender who is violating the law.
What Loans Are Covered?A loan is covered by the law if it meets the following tests:
for a first-lien loan, that is, the original mortgage on the property, the annual percentage rate (APR) exceeds by more than eight percentage points the rates on Treasury securities of comparable maturity; for a second-lien loan, that is, a second mortgage, the APR exceeds by more than 10 percentage points the rates in Treasury securities of comparable maturity; or the total fees and points payable by the consumer at or before closing exceed the larger of $547 or eight percent of the total loan amount. (The $547 figure is for 2007. This amount is adjusted annually by the Federal Reserve Board, based on changes in the Consumer Price Index.) Credit insurance premiums for insurance written in connection with the credit transaction are counted as fees. The rules primarily affect refinancing and home equity installment loans that also meet the definition of a high-rate or high-fee loan. The rules do not cover loans to buy or build your home, reverse mortgages or home equity lines of credit (similar to revolving credit accounts).
What Disclosures Are Required?If your loan meets the above tests, you must receive several disclosures at least three business days before the loan is finalized:
The lender must give you a written notice stating that the loan need not be completed, even though you've signed the loan application and received the required disclosures. You have three business days to decide whether to sign the loan agreement after you receive the special Section 32 disclosures. The notice must warn you that, because the lender will have a mortgage on your home, you could lose the residence and any money put into it, if you fail to make payments. The lender must disclose the APR, the regular payment amount (including any balloon payment where the law permits balloon payments, discussed below), and the loan amount (plus where the amount borrowed includes credit insurance premiums, that fact must be stated). For variable rate loans, the lender must disclose that the rate and monthly payment may increase and state the amount of the maximum monthly payment. These disclosures are in addition to the other TILA disclosures that you must receive no later than the closing of the loan.
What Practices Are Prohibited?The following features are banned from high-rate, high-fee loans:
All balloon payments - where the regular payments do not fully pay off the principal balance and a lump sum payment of more than twice the amount of the regular payments is required - for loans with less than five-year terms. There is an exception for bridge loans of less than one year used by consumers to buy or build a home: In that situation, balloon payments are not prohibited.
Negative amortization, which involves smaller monthly payments that do not fully pay off the loan and that cause an increase in your total principal debt.
Default interest rates higher than pre-default rates.
Rebates of interest upon default calculated by any method less favorable than the actuarial method.
A repayment schedule that consolidates more than two periodic payments that are to be paid in advance from the proceeds of the loan. Most prepayment penalties, including refunds of unearned interest calculated by any method less favorable than the actuarial method. The exception is if: the lender verifies that your total monthly debt (including the mortgage) is 50 percent or less of your monthly gross income;
you get the money to prepay the loan from a source other than the lender or an affiliate lender; and
the lender exercises the penalty clause during the first five years following execution of the mortgage. A due-on-demand clause. The exceptions are if: there is fraud or material misrepresentation by the consumer in connection with the loan;
the consumer fails to meet the repayment terms of the agreement; or there is any action by the consumer that adversely affects the creditor's security. Creditors also may not:
make loans based on the collateral value of your property without regard to your ability to repay the loan. In addition, proceeds for home improvement loans must be disbursed either directly to you, jointly to you and the home improvement contractor or, in some instances, to the escrow agent.
refinance a HOEPA loan into another HOEPA loan within the first 12 months of origination, unless the new loan is in the borrower's best interest. The prohibition also applies to assignees holding or servicing the loan.
wrongfully document a closed-end, high-cost loan as an open-end loan. For example, a high-cost mortgage may not be structured as a home equity line of credit if there is no reasonable expectation that repeat transactions will occur. How Are Compliance Violations Handled? You may have the right to sue a lender for violations of these new requirements. In a successful suit, you may be able to recover statutory and actual damages, court costs and attorney's fees. In addition, a violation of the high-rate, high-fee requirements of the TILA may enable you to rescind (or cancel) the loan for up to three years.
Where to Go for More InformationThe FTC works for the consumer to prevent fraudulent, deceptive and unfair business practices in the marketplace and to provide information to help consumers spot, stop, and avoid them. To file a complaint or to get free information on consumer issues, visit www.ftc.gov or call toll-free, 1-877-FTC-HELP (1-877-382-4357); TTY: 1-866-653-4261. The FTC enters Internet, telemarketing, identity theft, and other fraud-related complaints into Consumer Sentinel, a secure online database available to hundreds of civil and criminal law enforcement agencies in the U.S. and abroad.
January 2007
This information is provided under a cooperative agreement between the Better Business Bureau and the U. S. Federal Trade Commission (FTC), which has prepared this information. The FTC works to prevent fraudulent, deceptive and unfair business practices in the marketplace and to provide information to help consumers spot, stop, and avoid these practices. To learn more about the FTC and its services, visit www.ftc.gov or call toll-free, 1-877-FTC-HELP (1-877-382-4357); TTY: 1-866-653-4261.
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The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) issued a report on payday and deposit advance loans finding that for many consumers these products lead to a cycle of indebtedness.


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Dreams-come-true do not come easily. If you expect to wish-wish-wish your way to rock stardom while sitting on your couch with your eyes glued to a screen, you've got another think comin'. The days of A&R reps from record companies coming out and scooping up virtually unknown bands and promoting them to Nickelback level fame are over. You don't get to be *just* a musician anymore—you have a whole f*ing lot of other work to do, and you sure-as-s#!% don't get to be a diva about much, if ANY, of it. It's inconvenient to have to re-arrange your schedule because a good show or promotional opportunity came up last minute. It's inconvenient to have to stay out til 2am or later on a work night. It's inconvenient to have to stop what you're packing up to shake a fan's hand or sign an autograph. It's inconvenient to make yourself talk to people you don't know when you feel weird about it. But, guess what? You HAVE to do it if you want to be a musician. Here are a few facts you absolutely need to face if you expect to do something serious with your music.
Bringing to fruition your childhood dream to be a career musician is a responsibility that sits squarely upon your own shoulders. No one else is going to work harder than you are to make YOUR dream come true. The key to making a band work is finding other people who share your dream of rock stardom and who are equally committed to making that dream a reality. The way the labels work nowadays is that they look for bands who are already out there, touring, selling their products, and making some money on their own steam. That's a lot less of a risk for a label or management company, and it proves that the band can stay together and make things work. Think about it: if you haven't pumped thousands of dollars into promoting your own band, why would a professional company want to take the risk of doing so? They wouldn't. That's your answer. The good news in all this is, if you go ahead and leap faithfully off that cliff and try your wings on a tour, you might find out you don't even *need* a label anyway. There are too many free tools and resources on the internet to help you promote your music that you really have no excuse not to jump in with both feet to grow your own fan base. If you don't, you are just lazy. Waiting for your "big break" is not going to get you anywhere. Working toward it, on the other hand, will.
If you seriously think that just because you write intelligently crafted music, people will automatically take notice and bring throngs of their friends to your show, do me a favor. Lift up your hand towards your face, open your palm, pull back about a foot or so, and smack yourself, hard, right across the cheek. This flawed logic of "If you build it, he will come" will bring you nothing but disappointment. "But, but, my music is good! Why doesn't anybody come to my shows and buy my CDs?" Because they're flooded with lots of other music for free, they have hundreds of other sources for possible entertainment, and, hell, they might even think you're an arrogant snob because you don't talk to them when/if they do come to shows. Other bands talk to people. Other bands know their names, give them hugs, offer them discounts and free stuff, at least care about them on some basic level. If you think people should come and throw themselves down at your feet because you're such an awesome musician, you're an idiot. An arrogant one. If you recognize someone who's your Facebook friend at a show, go up and say "Hi! Thank you for coming!" People want a memorable experience from a show, and until you've been shoved down their throats by the radio machine, just hearing your band will not often be enough to accomplish that. You have to give MORE than the major label bands. They're stars—you're not. Even if you can play crop circles around them, talent-wise, they have the massive media monster behind them, and you don't. So compensate. Be nice. Take a flying leap out of your comfort zone and go talk to people. Make them feel important. Why? Because your fans really, truly are the ones who will help you grow… especially if you make the effort to make them your actual FRIENDS in the process.
You have skill. You have seniority in the scene. You have know-how. You have connections… You don't have S&%#. Just because you have all of these great qualities doesn't mean you "deserve" certain privileges. You "deserve" what your actions as a band or musician create. Acting like a diva in the music scene just because you "know people" and have "been around" is the quickest way to kill all of your credibility. We will all have to play in the dreaded time slot at some point. We will all have to deal with technical difficulties. We will all be jerked around about some event or promo at the last minute. DEAL WITH IT. If you can manage to confine your frustration and disappointment for a few minutes and ask the promoter/sound guy/venue owner, "Okay, what do you need us to do?" THAT will earn you the respect of people you work with. Nobody wants to work with the cranky band that bitches incessantly and refuses to play if they don't get their way, no matter how fantastic your music may be.
Yes. You should. In an ideal world, artists would get paid for the countless hours we put into our craft and we'd make back the thousands of dollars we invest into amps, trailers, and recording. Unfortunately, this is the world where "reality" TV stars make 6-figure salaries for being themselves and causing drama, and would-be music fans sit at home watching those shows from the comfort of their couches instead of coming out to see yours. Why? Because inertia is a bitch, and gas/tickets/drinks cost money. There are ten bazillion things you can do for relatively free at home, so you really have to work your ass off if you want to overcome these people's inertia and reluctance to spend time and money to come see your show. If all you did was post on Facebook that you had a show, congratulations: you suck as a promoter. I bet you blamed the bar you played at, the booking agent for your show, and/or some other band's show being on the same night, instead of recognizing that you didn't do your job promoting. PROMOTION IS YOUR JOB. Sure, the bar should have good branding, good staff, and good drinks, which makes people want to come to your show there, but it's not THEIR JOB to promote YOUR BAND. If they post it on the calendar for their venue, put up the promo posters you gave them (yes, YOU gave them), and tweet that "So-and-So is playing tonight at Bar XYZ," they have done their job promoting. Any other promotion you get from the bar is GRAVY. If they do more promotion, it's mutually beneficial, but remember they have other things to worry about, like not running out of tequila or toilet paper. Yes, your stuff costs money, too, but if you look at a venue's set of bills vs. your set of bills, and then compare what original music pulls in as entertainment vs. a variety of other kinds of entertainment, you will see why it's a privilege to have cool places to play. Usually these places support original music because they WANT to, not because it's the most profitable option—it almost never is. Double your appreciation if you're in a non-mainstream genre, because indie rock almost invariably brings in more money than death metal. Additionally, a booking agent, or "promoter," does have some obligation to help promote the show (especially the latter), but unless you're paying them, you need to assume that they will do NOTHING. Because many of them do. Unless you know a promoter/booking person's work very well, you should go ahead and promote your show as if it's no one's job but your own. If you're promoting like crazy and the promoter ends up doing promotion, too, that's just double the promotion you would've gotten if either side had done it alone. The marketing people say that people need to see an ad about three times for it to register, so doubling or tripling efforts is absolutely necessary. If your show is bombing, stop whining about what somebody else didn't do and get off your ass to promote harder. There's no one to blame but yourself if your event fails. Pick a better date. Plan farther in advance. Get organized. Jump out of your comfort zone and talk to people. No excuses—just DO IT.
The unfortunate part of the last paragraph is its relation to this paragraph. You don't get paid all that much for the amount of effort you put in, but the stuff you have to do to get ahead costs a lot. Good recordings cost money. I hate hearing a really good band with a half-assed recording. You'll get farther with one FANTASTIC single than with a full-length album of "Ehh." If you wanna use the "Ehh" to raise fund for the "WOW" to come later, fine, but don't expect your "bargain" recording to be as good as the one from the producer with award-winning albums under his belt (I say "his" because I have yet to run across a female hard rock producer… if you know of one—lemme know). In addition to recordings (which are absolutely necessary to advance), you also should have good, functioning equipment and transportation for that. Band vans and trailers are expensive. Amps, guitars, and repairs thereto are also expensive… but you need these things. If you buy a crappy van, it will break down a lot. If you buy a crappy guitar, it will sound crappy. Investing in a good thing instead of hunting for something cheap is worth the delayed gratification necessary to save up for the good thing. Trust me on this. There's also the matter of well-designed materials, good video, good promo photos, and all that other mess. Make friends with talented people and barter, if you can. Otherwise, save your pretty pennies instead of impulsively buying crappy stop-gap things. Also: ALL your bandmates should be contributing to this—if not with cold, hard cash of their own money, then with some promotional/sales/fundraising sweat-equity that will help BRING IN more money. Either way—it's not one bandmate's job to fund the entire band's projects, and a $5,000 tab for cutting a good record is much more manageable (and fair) in four $1,250 per-person chunks than it is for one person to have to plop down all of that cash. Don't want to plop down cash or put in effort to fund your band? Find another hobby. You are never going to get anywhere in music without a lot of money or a lot of effort (ideally both).
You will not always get your way. You have to be willing to compromise or you will be a chronic band-hopper. Like romantic relationships, communication is key to successful band relationships. Especially communication about expectations and goals. If you're not on board with a band's projected goals, don't audition. When you ARE in a band, make it clear what you expect to accomplish, and all of you sit down and figure out how best to meet everyone's goals. If you don't like the way somebody treats you, say something. Talk about things. Yell about them, if you must (as respectfully as possible—it's okay to be passionate; just don't be a dickbag about it). Don't just run off and quit in a huff. Not only does it make you look like a high school drama queen, it also shoots your own productivity in the foot. If you quit, you just have to start all over again, and if you continue to be disrespectful to your bandmates because they can't read your mind (or because you're just an inflammatory dickbag), you will continue to start bands over and over again and get absolutely nowhere. You will disagree with every person you're ever in a band with; trust me. What sets apart the chronic quitters from the reliables is the ability to communicate and resolve conflicts between band members respectfully. That's a skill worth having in a band and in any relationship, really.
^^^These are the facts you have to face to do something with your band. If you're content to play the little venues and take up the table scraps from larger bands, then this stuff probably doesn't apply to you. If you want to get somewhere, though, you will have to adjust to the metric crap-ton of inconveniences that come along with being in a band. There's my piece.


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Outside of dodging some great white sharks, seals don't have a hardknock life. They can swim with any sea-dwelling animal whenever they want and can be just as lazy as humans by getting their tan on while napping at the beach. Not too shabby of a life at all, so when you decide to live that luxurious life of a seal, make sure you're wearing these Hydrowave shorts by Fox. An everyday walkshort design with a single button fly and zipper, a left side cargo pocket, back pockets, and adjustable straps on the waist will make people wonder why you're crazy and jumping into water without the proper attire — but you'll just laugh in their face since you know you're sporting shorts from Fox's Hydro Series. With a two-way stretch quick drying fabric, a unique drainage design in the pockets, and a diamond dobby inner lining that creates less friction on your skin while in the water, these chino-fit shorts are the perfect wardrobe addition for someone like you who can never decide whether he wants to be a fish or just roll with his human buddies for the day.
- 100% Polyester fabric
- 2-Way stretch, water-repellent, quick-dry fabric
- 21" outseam, 10" inseam
- Cargo pocket with hook and loop fastener closure
- Fox embroidery
- Fox hybrid walkshorts
- Fox logo buttons
- Imported
- Mesh pocket lining
- Rubber Fox labels
- Single snap button fly with zipper
- Two front pockets
- Two zippered back pockets
- Zip front with button waist and side metal waistband adjusters
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We have partnered with the top dedicated and cloud server providers around the world to ensure the maximum uptime for your sites. We own servers located in several different datacenters in USA, Canada, Europe and Australia, powered by Softlayer, Hetzner, Wholesale Internet, OVH, Digital Ocean, Otenet, Exigent and much more. Your sites are mirrored across these different datacenters and providers. If one provider for any reason goes down (which however, is a very rare scenario), we will load your account on another of our servers, colocated by another nearby provider. This happens fast and ensures that your site remains online. We never rely on only one provider for hosting your web sites.


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Unforgettable Service & Events, LLC12 Reviews
Excellence in Event Artistry
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event planning, vintage rentals & paper goods!
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History's Mysteries: Italian-American Internment - A Secret Story DVD
Sale Price: $19.99
To Order by Phone Call 1-800-933-6249
- Additional Details
- Format: Closed-captioned, Color, DVD-Video, NTSC
- Rating: Not Rated
- Number of Discs: 1
- Run Time: 50 Minutes
- Region: Region 1
- Aspect Ratio: 1.33:1
- Language: English
- Studio: History Channel
- DVD Release Date: February 16, 2000
Archival footage shows the squalor and inhumanity of the camps where "enemy" aliens were held during World War II.
It is one of the most troubling chapters in America's recent history. For decades, the truth was rejected, denied and covered up. No more.
During World War II, hundreds of thousands of "enemy aliens," some of whom had lived in the United States for generations, were held in confinement camps for the duration of the war. Italian Americans, as one of the nation's largest immigrant groups, were particularly effected by this policy, but their story has largely been overlooked, even as the existence of the camps in general has become well-known. Drawing on extensive archival footage (much of it formerly classified) as well as interviews with people who spent the war in these facilities, ITALIAN-AMERICAN INTERNMENT brings this dark story to light.
Arrested and imprisoned on the basis of their nationality, they suffered countless indignities in the name of the freedom which brought them to this nation in the first place!


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Home > Quiet Computer Mice > Nexus Wireless Silent Laser Mouse Carbon SM-9000C
The SM-9000C is an advanced 2.4G wireless1600DPI silent laser mouse which connects to your PC or laptop with a super small nano receiver.
You will be amazed how much more relaxing this silent mouse is without the clicks. Presently we are so used to using the PC and have come acquainted with track pads, multi-touch displays etc. that we no longer need the confirmation of a clicking action. You know when you have clicked or double clicked. You see a graphical reaction of your clicking on the screen and PCs are so fast these days that you practically never have to wait for your PC to respond. So you simply do not need a clicking-sound confirmation of your action. Why still hear the clicking sound? Well it turns out that this is part of switching-technology and it is not so easy to remove the physical sound when clicking. Nexustek has managed to find a solution. Using patented switching technology Nexus finally created a soundless/noiseless silent mouse.
Nexus has a lot of customers working in TV and music studios that rely on Nexus components for a truly quiet working environment. Nexus asked some of them to test their silent mouse... and they were delighted. No more clicking-sounds. Just a quiet environment without distracting clicking noises and sounds.
The Nexus Silent Mouse is a comfortable size and is an excellent mouse for desktop use. Yet, the Nexus silent mouse is also very suitable for laptop users as well. Because of the small nano receive which you plug in a USB port and leave it there. It is so small that you do not need to take it out...you just forget it's there. Furthermore the mouse is made from quality surface treatments so it feels good in your hand.
The switches Nexus used for the Silent Mouse have a patented construction and lack the "click" sound when you press them. You will be amazed how much more relaxing it is when you get rid of this useless sound in your working environment.
Nexus has chosen a highly developed laser technology for more precise mouse movements for the SM-9000. The laser precision technology is 1600 Dpi.
Check out this video and you will hear what we mean by silent mouse technology. The test is not done in a anechoic chamber, so the dB(A) values are just for comparison.


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Web Editor
- Address
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Fraser Ave West Perth Western Australia 6005
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- Fax
- (+61 8) 9322 5064
Road and carpark closures will occur in Kings Park and Botanic Garden due to several concert events.
Vehicle access times to Reabold Hill in Bold Park have been modified.Read all notices...
Improvements to Rio Tinto Naturescape Kings Park and a new botanic staircase are two of the enhancements planned for Kings Park in the next five years.
In 2014, the Kings Park Volunteer Guides celebrate 30 years of service to Kings Park and Botanic Garden.Read all news...
Current: 20°C, Min: 14°C, Max: 25°C.
Mostly clear.
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HOME Orlando Magic Gear Orlando Magic T-Shirts Orlando Magic T-Shirts Short Sleeved Sale Items (62 items) Product ID: 706286
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Your favorite Magic tee won't last forever, which is why you need to make sure your game day arsenal is fully loaded with plenty of options for showing off your Orlando pride. This Triple Threat t-shirt combo pack from adidas includes one team-colored tee boasting "Property Of" lettering over a large team name, one gray tee that features a diagonal fading team name and logo on the chest, and a white tee with a printed team logo on the front. Whether you're looking for loud and proud or simple and pure, this combo pack has all the looks you could want to last through the season!
- 100% Cotton; 90% Cotton/10% Polyester
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- Rib-knit collar
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School of Human
Environmental Sciences
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Lexington, KY
tel: (859) 257-3887
Alumni from the School of Human Environmental Sciences are actively involved in the College of Agriculture and School of Human Environmental Sciences Alumni Association commonly referred to as the AG & HES Alumni Association. This joint group engages members in events and activities throughout the year at the state and area levels. To learn more about the association and upcoming events, visit the Office for Advancement webpage at http://www2.ca.uky.edu/alumni/.
For a single gift, visit: http://www.uky.edu/GiveNow/welcome.htm?select=AB
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I am very new to bow shooting. I bought a Martin MOAB last fall but have only recently been able to begin shooting due to a shoulder injury, but to the point... I bought the bow to take advantage of the very long deer bow season we enjoy in Ohio. I decided I wanted a string stopper to lessen the chance of the deer being spooked by the bow and to stop the string from hitting my forearm when I get sloppy with my stance.
I have a few machine tools and made one out of 6061 aluminum. I machined a radius, that is thoroughly debured, for the string to nestle in. After I made it I looked at the commercial offerings and saw they all have a heavy rubber bumper for the string.
My questions are will I damage something with out a big rubber bumper, how should it be adjusted for string contact and when I shoot it the bow it is quieter but it makes a "tick" sound, is that sound to be expected.
Thanks in advance.