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One reason we resist forgiving is that we don't really understand what forgiveness is or how it works. We think we do, but we don't.
Most of us assume that if we forgive our offenders, they are let off the hook — scot-free — and get to go about their merry ways while we unfairly suffer from their actions. We also may think that we have to be friendly with them again, or go back to the old relationship. While God commands us to forgive others, he never told us to keep trusting those who violated our trust or even to like being around those who hurt us.
The first step to understanding forgiveness is learning what it is and isn't. The next step is giving yourself permission to forgive and forget, letting go of the bitterness while remembering very clearly your rights to healthy boundaries.
If you're like many people, you may want to be free of past offenses, but you still carry bitter memories of or hard feelings toward those who have wronged you. Take comfort: Forgiving even the worst offenses against you is not impossible. You can find freedom from the past and peace that comes from God by learning to really forgive from the heart.
Forgiveness is easier to grasp when broken into a five-step process.
Offenses always cause pain; our pride makes us deny it. Some take an attitude, "Who cares? You're insignificant in my life. You can't hurt me!" This insulates us from the acute pain of the moment, but it allows the infectious agent of resentment, like toxic bacteria, to enter our soul where it festers, creating a spiritual disease of bitterness. Such a condition gradually estranges us from others and even from God.
Denying pain keeps us from starting on the path to forgiveness. But the degree of pain required in this exercise is bearable. Honestly experiencing it long enough to understand the exact nature of the offense is actually the beginning of healing.
When an offense has occurred, we often need to clearly and carefully sort out responsibilities in a particular incident. As children, we believe the world revolves around us. Although this tendency is strongest in our formative years, it also persists somewhat into adulthood. When traumatic events occur, kids believe it's mostly their fault. ("If I hadn't made Dad angry, he wouldn't have had a heart attack and died.")
As adults we need to develop firm ground within ourselves — to set boundaries and defend them when limits are violated.
Once we're clear as to who's responsible for what, the next step is to discover why the offender hurt us. This keeps us from dwelling single-mindedly on how we were hurt or how we wish to see the other person punished. If appropriate, we may need to ask friends or family members for information. Or we can use our imagination and place ourselves in the offender's position.
What we're not doing is looking for an excuse. No reasoning can excuse, for example, crimes against humanity such as torture, rape, extortion, blackmail, murder and the like. But gathering information is important.
Consider Rita's experience. Her husband had an affair with an emotionally disturbed woman. He eventually broke off the relationship and tried to repair the damage he'd done to Rita, whom he still loved. But Rita couldn't forgive her husband or the other woman. It was bad enough he'd had an affair — but to choose such a wretchedly unhappy and abused woman added insult to injury.
Inadvertently, Rita learned a bit about the other woman's history. As a little girl, she'd often been made to bend naked over the bathtub while her father beat her with a belt until blood ran down her legs. As Rita heard this story, she found tears running down her cheeks. Any child raised by such a criminally abusive father might wind up seducing men in a desperate search for love. This information also lent credibility to her husband's story that he'd first befriended the woman because he felt sorry for her; he then felt affectionate toward this "hurting soul." ... Eventually, the lines between affection and sexual involvement blurred. Further searching unearthed events in her husband's life that explained his vulnerability to such a strange relationship.
It didn't happen overnight, but the more Rita understood the facts, the more she was able to relinquish her anger and pain. She could truly forgive and sincerely pray for the woman. Understanding was not condoning the affair. And much work had to be done to heal her husband's past to prevent further offenses.
But for Rita, the restoration process took a step forward when the truth was known.
Once the facts are clear, we might imagine that forgiveness occurs automatically. Too often, however, our humanity gets in the way. Our self-protective and vengeful impulses can pitch us into rounds of self-pity, bitterness and anger.
It takes heroic effort to move beyond our own pain to understand what prevents us from saying, "I forgive you."
In her book The Hiding Place, Corrie Ten Boom describes the most extreme abuses imaginable perpetrated on her and the other inmates of a Nazi concentration camp during World War II. Months after the war was over, Corrie was traveling through Germany speaking in churches about God's love and forgiveness. Inwardly, though, she knew her words had a hollow sound.
After speaking in a church in Munich, she was approached by a man she recognized as one of her former guards, a particularly cruel one. He now reflected a semblance of humanity and smiled brightly as he talked about his newfound faith in God. Looking Corrie in the eye, he held out his hand. "Fraülein, if you can forgive me, then I'll know what you say is true — that God forgives me."
Gripped by a terrible conflict, Corrie wanted either to turn her back on this man or do violence to him. In her mind's eye she could see her father and sister, who were both killed by the Nazis; she'd wanted to forgive those who were responsible. And this moment brought insight as to why she'd been unable to do more than speak hollowly about forgiveness. She was daily reliving the horror of the camp.
Corrie also realized that she would continue to be haunted by old feelings and memories if she did not move beyond them. This was her chance. But could she do it?
Her arm remained frozen at her side, while the man's remained outstretched. As he stared at her, Corrie prayed for strength she could not find in herself. Giving her will over to God, unable to change it on her own, coldly she stuck out her hand and clasped the palm of her former enemy.
"In that moment," she later wrote, "something miraculous happened. A current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me."
Forgiveness is a gift of God's grace. What Corrie described — the healing of one heart, the freeing of another — is a true miracle. The wonder of it is that God gives us insight into our own heart and involves us with Him in the freeing of another.
It was, interestingly, in a psychiatry class that I (Grace) learned relinquishment.
The class was discussing how to let go of past tragedies and trauma that hurt and scar. One man, Lou, had been weeping copiously, obviously reliving some pain of his own.
"Lou," the professor said, "I want you to wrap up that handkerchief and hold it tightly in your hand." After a long silence, he said, "Now, let it fall." The bunched handkerchief landed on the floor.
In a few moments, Lou reached down to pick up his handkerchief. But another student observed him and suggested that this was the way we all tried to "pick up our old burdens again." With a smile now, Lou left the handkerchief there.
We all saw that it's our choice — an act of our will — that sets us free from burdens of the past.
It seems that human beings have always had trouble with the idea of forgiving someone who has wronged them. It's just not natural to us. But Jesus Christ, the master of forgiveness came to show us a new way, a supernatural way, to live. He teaches us how to adopt new attitudes of the heart that help us live "above" our natural impulses.
You, too, can be healed and set free as you learn to walk the path of forgiveness. The gifts of personal wholeness in Jesus Christ can be yours, even when you think forgiveness is impossible. The question is, are you willing to begin?
Jim sits across from his wife, Kim, who is sobbing deeply. They are each trying to find words that will help them go forward.
It's been three months since Jim confessed to Kim his adulterous behavior with two different women. It's been two months since Kim learned that she knows one of the women. Jim had initially decided he didn't want to hurt Kim by telling her it was her friend Bonnie. But he later decided nothing but the entire truth would begin releasing them from the deceit that was destroying them.
Today, as they sit across from each other, Jim has already said he's sorry and asked Kim to forgive him. He has tearfully promised he will never do it again. Kim is full of emotion, but still very emotionally disconnected from Jim. She knows she loves him, yet she is plagued by a disturbing lack of peace. Why hasn't forgiving him brought her heart to rest? The two have agreed to stay together and to negotiate the problems. They both know Kim must once again trust Jim, but how? Why is she still in so much pain?
In order to successfully navigate the road to reconciliation, Kim and Jim must overcome four essential hurdles. If you and your spouse are trying to rebuild your relationship after an affair, you will most likely face these same hurdles. Awareness and understanding of the challenges that lie ahead can be your first step toward recovery.
Many people mistakenly think that adultery is simply a wrong action, but it is also a violation of God's divine order for marriage. A person who has had an affair must seek his spouse's forgiveness, not just for the adulterous act, but also for violating the marriage covenant, or sacred commitment. An intact marriage covenant creates an atmosphere of security and trust. That security and trust is what Kim needs in order to give herself freely to Jim. Only a restored sense of security and trust, borne of Jim asking and receiving forgiveness for breaking the covenant, can begin to restore Kim's confidence, peace and joy.
It is important to realize that a wounded spouse, such as Kim, will struggle with multiple issues. On one hand, her own sexual identity has become confused. Because of Jim's act of immorality Kim finds herself asking deep in her soul, What is wrong with me that he would want someone else? There is also the issue of shame emerging in her spirit: shame that he would want any other woman, and especially that it was her friend Bonnie. How could it be Bonnie? Bonnie of all people! Another facet of Kim's struggle is her confusion over her lack of peace. Although she has forgiven Jim's acts, she needs to process and eventually forgive him for the ways she has been affected by his violation of their marriage vows.
On the surface, it may appear that one's behavior is the problem, and that a promise "to change" is the solution. However, the real problem with someone like Jim is the fact that in his mind, he granted himself permission to break his marriage vows. To address only his behavior and overlook this issue of permission will leave both Kim and Jim in limbo. Without getting to the real problem, both spouses are destined to continue feeling as though something is wrong, but neither will understand what. They will limp along, wondering why their relationship is so tentative and distant.
This ties in closely with Hurdle #1. Once a marital covenant has been breached, trust will be difficult — but necessary — to restore. Without trust, a couple cannot know intimacy. To set the stage for restored trust, Jim must be able to humbly admit that he is unable to manage his sin or keep his promises, and that he is deeply addicted to the pleasure of sin. At that point, he will be in a position to receive God's freeing grace and empowerment to choose differently. By being humble and openly dependent on God, Jim will also be putting himself in a position where Kim can begin to trust him again. As renewed trust grows between them, the couple will be able to enjoy rich intimacy, true fulfillment and sustaining joy.
By conquering these hurdles together, hurting spouses can overcome the damage of infidelity. By learning to trust God in a new, much deeper way, they can enjoy a stronger, more fulfilling marriage.
Vicky* sat at the kitchen table, stunned and hurt. Her four-year-old marriage to Alex, on which she had pinned so many hopes and dreams, seemed false. She had just heard from a friend that Alex had been seen lunching with an old girlfriend.
When Vicky asked why he hadn't mentioned it to her, his reply was defensive: "I knew you would freak out, like you're doing now." Alex could not see how that omission had undermined Vicky's trust in him, his character and their relationship.
Vicky and Alex are typical of many couples who, for a variety of reasons, are facing a crisis of trust—and it's a crisis that could destroy their marriages.
One of the most wonderful gifts of a loving marriage is the ability to trust your mate—trust that he will be true to you emotionally; trust that she does what she says she will do; trust that he is the same person on the inside that he presents on the outside; trust that she has your best interest in mind. This creates safety, security and a deeper capacity to love. Successful marriages are built on trust. So how do mates develop and maintain this virtue in their relationship?
One of the Old Testament words for trust (batach) has a meaning of "careless." Think about it: When you trust your spouse, you feel so safe that you are careless—or free of concern—with him or her. You don't have to hide who you are or be self-protective.
Talk about this definition with your spouse. Ask yourselves, "Are we careless with each other? Or are we guarded in some ways?" It's sometimes difficult to be vulnerable with your spouse, but doing so gives your mate a chance to love and understand you.
Trust isn't given unconditionally. You have to be trustworthy to receive trust. Even Jesus submitted himself to the trust test, teaching people to see if He was really who He claimed: "Do not believe me unless I do what my Father does" (John 10:37).
What does that mean for you as a couple? It means checking with your spouse on how you affect him or her. Ask your mate, "In what ways have I not been trustworthy?" For example, perhaps you have been critical or harsh when your spouse admits a fault or weakness. This erodes trust and shows you can't be trusted with more vulnerable parts of the heart. Or maybe you have not delivered on your promises. Asking your spouse for honest input will reveal areas that you may need to work on to build trust in your marriage.
Trust and truth go hand in hand. That is why deception of any sort is the biggest trust killer.
There is no such thing as a white lie. Being honest with your spouse includes telling the truth about where you were, whom you talked to, what you said and where you spent money. Many marriages have been saved because both spouses committed to being honest, even if it involved painful truths.
Let's suppose your marriage has experienced a breach of trust already. The hurt from that experience can cause you to withdraw your heart and decide never to trust again. But don't give up on your spouse. Give him or her a chance to earn your trust so that your marriage can be restored.
But remember: There must be more than apologies. To earn your trust, your spouse needs to make some real changes. Maybe the offending spouse needs to join a support group or talk to a mentor. Maybe he or she needs to be more accountable to you and even accept consequences for bad behavior in the future.
One couple I counseled experienced a crisis of trust that could have torn their marriage apart. The husband flirted with other women: waitresses, co-workers, even their mutual friends. He thought it was harmless until his wife told him how alone and scared it made her feel. He saw how it was affecting her, and he was a changed man.
He told her, "If you see me being inappropriate with a woman again, tell me right there and I will stop." He became more accountable, and she was finally able to trust her husband.
Trust can be built and rebuilt, and couples can enjoy the intimacy that comes from being secure in each other's love.
*Names have been changed
As my husband and I left the theater and walked along the avenue, images from the movie we'd just seen brought back the familiar ache I'd struggled to suppress. It was all too reminiscent of the painful three-year separation from which we'd recently emerged.
Did you see how his wife suffered after he left her?" I asked. "It really is like that. That's exactly how it feels."
I could feel my husband tensing next to me. "Every time we go to a movie you do this," he said. "Can't we get over this? I've said I was sorry."
"I know. But if you're really sorry, you wouldn't get so annoyed. It doesn't sound like you're sorry."
I didn't know how to put what I needed into words at the time. And even if I did, I'm not sure that would have made any difference. He figured once I forgave him for leaving, that was that. I should be over it. We should move on. That's what I wanted too. But the pain churned in my heart and wouldn't go away. Later, when I realized how forgiveness really works, it finally did.
Forgiveness is complicated, both in serious situations like this and in the everyday circumstances that pester our married lives.
We make mistakes, and worse, we're often in denial of our offense or too proud or stubborn to admit it. It's a bad day at the office or we're experiencing PMS, and our tempers sizzle at the tiniest spark of irritation. Our spouse retaliates with indignation, and the situation escalates. Who's at fault? Who asks forgiveness? Who admits to being wrong? Blame lies with each, but "she started it" or "he insulted me" becomes the mantra. We're both fallen creatures. We both fail.
Realizing our common fallenness can help us have the grace to ask and give forgiveness. Both need to ask and both need to forgive, with the keen understanding that nurturing a forgiving marriage can prevent the bitterness of accumulated offenses that gradually harden hearts and build walls.
But sometimes forgiveness is not that simple. Kristen and her husband were students when they married, and despite busy schedules, Kristen expected them to spend their free time together. Instead, her husband spent many evenings in bars drinking with the guys. When she became angry, he accused her of nagging and trying to control him. Their words dug in deep and wounded each other. After seven months of marriage, they separated.
Other times forgiveness feels impossible. Nick and Penny were married several years when Nick was arrested with a prostitute. Although he was repentant and Penny's pastor urged her to forgive him, she didn't see how she could.
It's hard to forgive in situations like these. We know forgiveness is a cornerstone of the Christian faith. In the Lord's prayer, we ask God to forgive us the same way we forgive others. On the cross Jesus forgave the people of their sins even as they mocked him and watched him die. But when we have been deeply hurt, the idea of forgiving may feel like we're being asked to tear our hearts out and give them to the very people who trampled on them. So, either we offer a perfunctory, "I forgive you," while still holding the bitterness in our hearts, or we harden ourselves and physically or emotionally walk away.
In these particularly difficult situations, we sometimes put an unnecessary burden on ourselves. We think if we forgive, we must completely forgive and get over it immediately. What I discovered is that forgiveness is often a process, not a one-time act. While it begins with the decision to forgive, it may take time before the heart fully accepts what the will has set in motion. How long it takes may depend on the severity of the pain of the offense, and we must give ourselves the grace our healing requires as we move forward to full forgiveness.
Even Joseph, one of scripture's greatest examples of forgiveness, allowed the full forgiveness of his brothers to marinate over time. When he first recognized his brothers in Egypt, he did not run out to them with extended arms. After his initial decision to forgive, he tested their hearts, giving them a chance to reflect on their sin. When he finally forgave them, his forgiveness was complete and glorious.
When we've been deeply wronged something inside yearns for justice. If we don't forgive, our desire for justice becomes revenge, subjecting us to the bondage of bitterness and self-righteousness. When we choose to forgive, the justice we seek is for the other person to feel our pain. As my husband began to listen without getting impatient or defensive, forgiveness became a mutual endeavor of grace. My heart of forgiveness was able to expand, and my husband forgave a period of scab-picking relapses, while together we moved forward to complete healing and brought the process to a close.
Kristen and her husband worked through their problems with the support of other Christians, and as Kristen put her focus on God and allowed Him to strengthen her heart, she was able to fully forgive. A month later they reunited, and as they both became grounded in God's word, their marriage flourished.
Penny realized forgiveness was a choice she was making, not because she'd been told she must, but because she recognized the tremendous mercy and power in God's forgiveness of her own sins. She knew she'd made mistakes too, and if God was able to forgive her, the forgiveness of her husband was a small thing for God to ask. With humility, they submitted themselves to leaders in their church who shepherded them until their marriage was fully restored.
True forgiveness takes place when we release our hurt and let go of it, acknowledging that our spouse is a fallen human being, who is perhaps doing the best he or she can with the limited resources in their emotional, relational, and spiritual arsenal. When we anchor our hearts on the rock of God's love, the forgiveness of our spouse enables us to release our pain into God's healing hands. As grace shatters the threat of growing bitterness, it plants the seeds of a more intimate relationship. Husband and wife experience the refreshing rush of freedom and the ability to fully love.
"The day our marriage broke into a million pieces, I was sure no one could ever glue it back together," Liz Mannenbach says. "Not even God."
Theirs had been a fairy-tale existence, a time when lifelong dreams were becoming reality. Mark had just begun his pediatric residency, and rumor had it he would be named chief resident. Liz, his high-school sweetheart turned wife, was pregnant with their second child. They lived in a nice home in a comfortable Milwaukee suburb and were active members of their church.
But as with Cinderella, the clock in their fairy tale struck 12, and the glamour vanished.
Marital conflict and discord don't blindside couples out of the blue. Self-protective natures and divisive issues start taking form long before we awake to their existence. And they often begin in childhood.
"My mother was schizophrenic," Mark recalls. "She hallucinated every day and showed no interest in her appearance or health, nor was she under treatment. She also refused to acknowledge that my brother, sister and I were growing up.
In fact, it wasn't until I interviewed psychiatric patients during my second year of medical school that I realized my mother was mentally ill!
"My father was emotionally unavailable. He worked two jobs, one a night shift, and defined himself by his work and paychecks. And that's he how valued his kids. For each A on our report cards, we received a dollar. Any other grade earned nothing. Not surprisingly, I graduated from high school with only one B."
Liz's childhood had been more carefree. Or so it appeared. "My mom stayed home to raise three daughters while Dad worked," she explains. "We enjoyed eating out and lacked little in the way of comforts. On the outside, ours was a happy life.
"But Mom didn't have an identity outside of being 'Mom,' and her resentment played out in anger. As the oldest, I thought I had to fix everything, to please everyone and always to look happy." Liz even went to college simply because her parents wanted her to go.
So when Mark completed medical school in 1988, "I had arrived!" Liz says. "I was a doctor's wife. Now we could live the way we wanted to – like my parents did – and even buy a big house. I could stay home with Emily, who was just 3 at the time, become more involved in church and do and have everything I've always wanted."
More than anything, she wanted to be taken care of. Little did she know, that expectation was something Mark simply could not fulfill.
"My ninth-grade science teacher told me my drive to achieve would take me as far as anyone could go," Mark says. And after enduring 80-plus grueling hours each week and occasional 36-hour stretches of sleeplessness during his internship, he reached that point. Trying to make ends meet and care for his pregnant wife and young daughter were more than he could handle.
"Liz had no idea what my life was like," Mark explains. "She didn't understand our financial situation and why it was putting so much stress on our marriage. And I didn't sit down and tell her."
Never having learned how his needs should be met while growing up, Mark looked elsewhere, finding comfort in an on-again-off-again affair with another woman. News of her husband's infidelity crushed Liz. "The one person I loved more than anything – even more than God at times – had betrayed me. He moved out, we separated. I was three months pregnant and now had Emily to raise by myself," she recalls. "I was paralyzed with fear. Plus, my best friend, Mary, had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I felt like Cinderella after midnight, dressed in rags and all alone in a pumpkin patch. It wasn't pretty."
Yet that's precisely where God met both Liz and Mark.
For Mark, feelings of abandonment and shame crept in. "I drifted away from church and God and everyone I knew," he says. "In fact, I blamed Him for everything; after all, He was the one who allowed me to be born into such a dysfunctional family. And, He allowed my relationship with Liz to unravel."
Liz, too, faced many emotional ups and downs. In spring 1989, she gave birth to their second daughter, Kate. Then she watched her friend Mary succumb to cancer over the course of the next two years. "Caring for Mary and eventually losing her was so painful, and it required me to seriously examine rooms in my life I never before had entered," she says.
"But my relationship with God began to grow by leaps and bounds. I realized that no one person can meet another's needs completely – that's the Lord's job. But instead of looking to Him, I had made Mark responsible. God also taught me that life is not a fairy tale, but an intimately detailed story; one that takes time – His time – to tell."
"Working at the hospital was all I had," Mark continues. "Like my father, work defined who I was. No one could tell me how to do it better; in fact, I was quick to pass judgment on others.
"Then, despite my protests, one of the attending physicians sent me home on Christmas Day 1990, saying I should be with my family. Never had I felt so alone."
Staring at the walls of his one-room apartment was a turning point in Mark's life. "I remembered a story in John 5, where Jesus heals an invalid. He asks the man, 'Do you want to get well?' At that moment, I felt God asking the same of me. 'Yes!' "
Another question remained: Would the Mannenbachs' marriage make it? "It had nothing to grow on," Liz says. "No give and take, no nurture, no intimacy. My view of marriage was purely functional – two people having children, not a relationship; in other words, it was just like my parents'. I even cooked many of Mother's meals and kept house the same way she did."
For two years, the Mannenbachs sought the help of a counselor, as a couple and individually. "Even Emily, young as she was, needed help sorting out all the anger, fear and loss that goes with broken relationships," Liz says.
"We spent so many hours in counseling," Mark quips, "we qualify for a master's degree in family therapy!"
But toward the end of that time, Liz found herself sitting in their counselor's office with the sinking feeling that the marriage was truly over. "I set boundaries with Mark and wouldn't budge, and he didn't easily accept these limitations. I was at the end; the loss and pain were too great," she says. "I also knew God had taken care of me and would continue to do so, whether I was married or not."
As Mark sat in his apartment that Christmas day in 1990, he also remembered something their counselor had told him: "God loves you for who you are, not for what you've done – good or bad. Let Him love you!"
Those words began a long road to mending their marriage, which included a recommitment ceremony in December 1991.
In the years since their reconciliation, the Mannenbachs have grown in their faith and in their relationships with each other and the Lord. The births of two more children, Evan and Ben, have helped cement the entire family. "We are now very aware of how crucial it is for us to leave behind our childhood views and beliefs in order to live a life of committed marriage and service to Christ," Mark says. "There are still many times when the glass slipper just doesn't fit either one of us, but we are still in counseling, working on communication and learning to be vulnerable with each other and with God."
And often that vulnerability takes them out of their comfort zones. "Ten weeks after Ben was born, we moved from Milwaukee to Rochester, Minn., because we felt God could better use us here," Mark continues. "That wasn't easy for either Liz or me, what with a new baby, new house and new job. But we have learned we need to put God first in our lives and not keep Him out of any part of it – to have a 'with-boots-on' kind of faith. James 1:22-23 says, 'Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.'
"So, I stepped out and did something I knew was not for me. In January 1995, I joined 13 others on a medical missions trip to the Philippines. What an experience! While there, God planted in me a heart of compassion. He reminded me that, much as I'd beg to differ, He's the One in complete control."
Relinquishing that control has led the Mannenbachs to go public with their story, something else which has been neither comfortable nor easy for them. "But Liz and I know there are many others physicians and medical families who face the same or similar circumstances," Mark says. "And they need to know there is hope and possibility, even after obvious sin.
"All through my life, " Mark continues, "I asked, 'Why?' Why was my mother mentally ill? Why didn't Dad pay more attention to me? Why doesn't my wife understand my needs?"
His answer? "For me, and for Liz as well, I believe the reason for our struggles is the same as it was for a blind man Jesus healed. It's not a matter of 'Who sinned?' but that the healing would bring glory to His name."
Dear Dr. Bill: I've heard you talking about forgiveness on this program and I wonder if you can help me. I'm having trouble forgiving my husband for his adultery. I discovered the truth back in February and kicked him out of the house. Now he wants to reconcile but how can I stay married without losing my self-respect? Maybe I can forgive my husband, but I don't think I can love him like before. And if I divorce him and lose my house, it would feel like I was being punished for something I didn't do. What do you think?
Kendra, I'm very sorry to hear about your husband's affair. I'm sure the past 10 months have been very difficult for you, and that you've experienced feelings of shock, anger, sadness, and betrayal.
If your husband is truly repentant, I believe you should give reconciliation a chance. You may find it hard to believe, but many couples whose marriages were devastated by adultery have been able to put the pieces back together and go on to have a fulfilling, loving relationship again.
Every one of those couples will tell you the process involved a lot of hard work, and that the feelings of love didn't return overnight. But some would tell you that their marriage is healthier now than it was prior to the affair.
If you are willing to at least consider reconciliation, I'd encourage you to find a Christian therapist who is experienced in working with marriages impacted by adultery. Our Focus on the Family counseling department may be able to help you locate a therapist in your area.
Also, let me recommend an excellent book that I know you'll find helpful. It's titled Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity. The authors are Gary and Mona Shriver, a couple whose own marriage survived an affair. We recently aired their story on the Focus on the Family daily broadcast.
Dear Dr. Bill: Several years ago, my marriage was struggling and as a result, I became involved with another woman. The affair cost me five years of my marriage, five years of watching my children grow, and about five years of my life. Thankfully, my wife has chosen to forgive me and we are back together. But what I'd like to know is this: How can I rebuild the relationship with my wife and with my children to what it was before?
I appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to share this very difficult issue. First of all, I need to commend your wife for the strength and courage she has demonstrated in forgiving you. Many spouses who have been cheated on are never able to forgive their husband or wife.
From your e-mail, it sounds like you are truly repentant and have renewed your commitment to your wife. So you've already taken the first step toward healing.
It's also important for you to understand that when a violation like an affair has occurred, it often takes a long time for trust to be rebuilt, both for the spouse and for the children. You can take specific actions to help re-build trust, such as joining a men's accountability group at your church. You'll need to find a group of men with whom you can be completely open and transparent, and who will be willing to hold you accountable to your commitment to your wife and kids.
You also need to understand that your family may still harbor feelings of anger toward you for what you did. It's important that you not get defensive when they are angry with you or bring up the past. The fact is that you messed up and now you need to be willing to accept the consequences.
Most importantly, you, your wife, and your kids need to commit to family counseling. First, you and your wife need to work through those things in your marriage that caused the conflict in the first place. Basically you need to perform an "autopsy" on what died in the relationship and led to the affair. If you don't, unresolved issues in your relationship will surface again. After you've dealt with the marital issues, it's critical that your kids join you in the counseling process. They've got a lot of emotional baggage to unpack, and that needs to be done with a Christian family therapist. I want to urge you to call the Focus on the Family counseling department. You can speak to one of our caring counselors who will then refer you to a licensed therapist in your area.
By the way, a great book that will help you and your wife is called Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extra-Marital Affairs by the Rev. Dave Carder.


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Your evolution to a world-class leader begins here. When you embark on our 18-month Excellerate program, you'll lay the groundwork for a lifetime of extraordinary success.
Your experience will involve international exposure and direct customer interface. Job rotations will be complemented by learning modules designed to help you refine important professional skills and understand Ericsson as a global business. Your learning and performance will be closely linked to business operations and deliverables defined by the program. Hands-on experience and mentorship will be key elements throughout the program.
If you have the ability to continually reinvent the world of Information and Communication Technology, bring us your global perspective, determination and talent and take advantage of this remarkable opportunity. If you take the initiative to develop your career through consistent performance, get ready to move forward in your career. To become a leader at Ericsson, you must be prepared to meet every challenge and break new ground. Do you have what it takes?
To join us in this exciting program, you should have:
Meet some of our graduates and read about their experiences from the program.
- Level 8, 818 Bourke St - Docklands Victoria 3008 -Australia -Phone: +61 3 9301 1000


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Artist Profile: Jack Rudy (VIDEO)
Jack Rudy is a world-renowned tattoo artist and has become a staple in the community by producing a body of work spanning 35 years. Jack and his peers revolutionized the genre of black and grey, fine-line tattooing making it one of the most popular styles found in today's culture…[Video and pictures on expanded page]
Jack Rudy was born in 1954 and raised in South Central, CA and moved to Lennox in 1960.
Jack was fascinated with tattoos from childhood when he would accompany his parents to the Pike in Long Beach, which quickly became known as a major hub for west coast tattooing in the 60s and 70s.
Jack joined the Marines when he was 18 years old and served for two years when he met (Good Time) Charlie Cartwright in 1973. Jack and Charlie instantly became friends and Jack began to work for Charlie in the summer of 1975.
Jack still lives and works in Southern California at Good Time Charlie's Tattooland in Anaheim, CA. Jack is a living legend in the tattoo community and his work to improve and educate within his profession in unparalleled and unprecedented.
(Jack Rudy is featured in Tattoo Artist Magazine Issue #25 available now.)
3 responses
Mr.Rudy is phenomenally gracious… special thanks for the trip to the candy store in Detroit, and the support with quitting smoking!
cool to see him honored here :)
Thanks for sharing!
July 11, 2011 at 5:36 PM


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text: If Humpty Dumpty has his great fall in your kitchen, try and catch him in the Calphalon 8" Stainless Steel Omelette Pan. You will honor his demise in delicious fashion by using the same pan the professionals enjoy. Tri-Ply Stainless steel is ideal for any heating surface, including induction stovetops. This pan/lid are both oven safe, so all the disappointed king's men will have a terrific omelette to feed their sorrows from their inability to reassemble Mr. Dumpty.


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Deloitte member firms advise companies on a broad range of inbound and outbound tax issues, including initial overseas investment, financing international operations and cross- border transactions, global tax rates and business structuring.
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One of the biggest challenges – and greatest areas of opportunity – for a multinational company today is effectively managing local and foreign taxes in a way that aligns with its overall business objectives and operations. The tumultuous global economy requires a closer relationship between a company's tax and business operations to utilize every opportunity for cash tax savings and tax efficiencies. Deloitte's innovative approach helps multinationals reduce taxes on earnings, enhance margins and grow their businesses.
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|Transfer Pricing
Deloitte's globally-managed transfer pricing team helps companies manage risks by aligning practical transfer pricing solutions with overall global business operations and objectives, assists with strategic documentation to support transfer pricing practices, and resolves disputes efficiently.


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Fundraiser planned for family of teen critically injured in wreck
KANNAPOLIS — Friends of a Kannapolis teen critically injured in a June 15 car crash at Myrtle Beach are planning a fundraiser Saturday.
Demarreis Shepherd, who graduated this year from A.L. Brown High School, was on a beach trip with friends when the wreck happened. Fellow graduate Braydon Harding died in the collision.
Police said driver Taifa Metho Kituku ran a red light and the Nissan Sentra they were in was struck by a Ford Excursion SUV. Kituku was charged with driving under the influence with death results and two counts of driving under the influence with great bodily injury. The charges are felonies.
After several weeks in ICU in a Myrtle Beach hospital, Shepherd was transported to a rehabilitation hospital in Charlotte, where he is still on a ventilator and costs are mounting, a family friend said.
His single mother, Brenda Shepherd, and his younger brother have been by his side constantly, and neighbors in the community where they live planned the fundraiser. It begins at 11 a.m. at 2129 Clear Brook Drive
There will be a hotdog sale with the trimmings and donations will be accepted.
The N.C. State Employees Credit Union has set up a special account for anyone who wants to donate. (Brenda Shepherd, special account, 2134).


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I've just bought a new Saber from a dealer that provides a mail order service an the bow arrives Monday or Tuesday.
While I've been waiting I've read everything I could find on the Saber an discovered my bow will be at 80% let off.
The bow has the Dyna single cam.
I'm going to want to change this to 65% as soon as possible if I can.
Will I be able to do this with modules or will it mean a change of cams,or anything else.


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According to the incident report, a BCSO deputy observed a black car turn around in the middle of the roadway in an attempt to avoid the safety check, which prompted the deputy to get in his vehicle and chase the black car, initiating a traffic stop at the Sunoco service station on Red Top Mountain Road. As the deputy pulled behind the vehicle, he observed two white males exiting from the black car and a white female sitting inside the front passenger seat.
As the deputy approached the vehicle, he reported giving them loud, verbal commands to not move and show their hands as one fled on foot. During the chase, the deputy warned the suspect he would be tased if he did not stop, but the deputy fell during the pursuit and discharged the taser, not striking anyone. The suspect then jumped over a fence and fled into the woods and could not be found by the responding deputies or other deputies.
When the deputy returned to the black vehicle, he observed the other male to be missing and asked the female for identifiable information on the males. She said the only information she had were they were cousins, but she gave the phone number of the girlfriend of one of the males to the deputy.
The deputy contacted the alleged girlfriend by phone, who provided the deputy with information on one of the males. The deputy ran the male's information in the Bartow County Eagle System and his information did resemble the male at the scene, identified as Randall Shaun Carter, and he was able to secure a warrant for his arrest. He was unable to secure a warrant for the other male.
@Bodycopy center bold:Man with instruction permit flees
At approximately 10:20 p.m. Friday, a BCSO deputy noticed a vehicle at the Chevron on U.S. Highway 41 with multiple occupants being driven by a male he had previously cited for driving in violation of an instructional permit, according to the incident report.
The driver pulled from the Chevron onto U.S. Highway 41 in northbound traffic and as the deputy followed the vehicle, the vehicle immediately pulled into the next drive at a closed car wash. Due to the deputy's knowledge of the occupants and that the driver was again in violation of his instructional permit, he initiated a traffic stop which resulted in the driver stopping the vehicle, exiting and running around the 200 building of Parkway North. After being unable to catch the fleeing driver, the deputy returned to his patrol car and noticed the other passengers had left the vehicle and area.
The owner of the vehicle, who also was the mother of the driver, came to the scene and said her son was responsible for the car.
The car was towed and warrants for violation of limited permit, obstruction and fleeing and attempting to elude were taken on Daquain Jakelous Carter.
Gas stolen from vehicle, home
A BCSO deputy was dispatched to 4398 Joe Frank Harris Parkway address in Adairsville at 2 p.m. Friday in reference to a gas theft, according to the incident report.
Upon arrival, the deputy met with the complainant/victim who stated an unknown person removed four gas cans from her yard, along with her tiller, and that someone had put holes in the gas tank of her truck, draining the gas.
There were no suspects at the time of the report.


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HOME San Diego Chargers Gear San Diego Chargers Mens San Diego Chargers Mens Mens $10 to $20 (84 items) Product ID: 761753
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You are a bold San Diego fan. You wear the colors constantly and are loud and proud. For you rabid fans, this Big Logo tee is just the ticket. It features a huge Chargers logo with an overlapping team name printed on the front. No rival fan will even think about giving you trouble!
- 100% Cotton fabric
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In 1992, USA Basketball assembled the first-ever Olympic Basketball team composed of professional NBA players. Nicknamed the "Dream Team", this group of elite b-ballers easily defeated every team they played against, earning a gold medal and solidifying their status as one of the greatest sports teams ever. In the year 2012, another elite group of NBA players has come together to claim gold for America once again. Celebrate the legacy of the Dream Team with this Authentic throwback jersey from Nike. Designed to look like the jersey Michael Jordan wore in 1992, this vintage-style jersey features tackle twill graphics just like the jerseys from yesteryear. There's no better way to honor America's finest players of the past and present!
- 100% Polyester fabric
- Commemorative Chuck Daly graphic patch
- Dri-FIT technology for ultimate comfort
- Heat transfer glossy graphics
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- Jock tag
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- Officially licensed USA Basketball jersey
- Tackle twill graphics
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Redefine Your Network: Dave Helfrey
Dave Helfrey, mastermind of one of the biggest and scariest haunted attractions in the US, uses a QNAP TS-239 Pro II+ to secure digital assets.
Rất tiếc, bản PDF này chỉ có sẵn ở dạng tải xuống
Dave Helfrey, mastermind of one of the biggest and scariest haunted attractions in the US, uses a QNAP TS-239 Pro II+ to secure digital assets.
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Cold Storage Solution From Dell and Intel
Covers an Intel® Atom™ processor-based solution, providing a high-density, low-power date center space.
Erasure Code Solution
Intel® Intelligent Storage Acceleration Library provides the performance for erasure code.
IBM Storwize* and Intel® QuickAssist Technology
Intel and IBM storage solution reduces costs and improves speeds with IBM Real-time Compression*.
WD Sentinel* S-Series: Comprehensive Business Systems
Comprehensive Business Systems use client servers with Intel® Xeon® processor E3 v2 family.
EMC ViPR* and Intel
Bev Crair and Boaz Palgi discuss cloud storage solutions that help manage and extract data value.
Storage Talk: Storage and the Content Lifecycle
Intel's David Tuhy discusses data lifecycles, old data, and how it's now cached for mining later.
Storage Talk: Addressing End User Expectations
Intel's David Tuhy discusses the emergence of RAID, plug-and-play appliances, and data compression.
Storage Talk: Addressing End User Needs
Intel's David Tuhy discusses tenterprise class storage and processor architecture with built-in security features.
Storage Talk: New Players in Storage
Intel's David Tuhy discusses storage shifts from enterprise class databases to software as a service.
Deduplication System Improves Data Storage
Healthcare provider consolidates its data center and achieves faster, more efficient data backup.
Tips for Securing Your Company Data
The Pulse Network's Tyler Pyburn discusses five simple tips for securing your company's data.
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Remotely and securely back up, transfer, and manage data with the Intel® Home Storage Server. (1:45)
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Video: David Tuhy discusses how Intel® Xeon® processors enable digital storage solutions that address power, performance,... (2:12)
The Pulse Network Fuels Platform with Storage
Media company fuels content with Intel®-based Iomega* StorCenter* for management, reliability.


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INGLEWOOD, Calif. (June 5, 2011) — Post time at Hollywood Park for Saturday's Belmont Stakes Day program will be 11 a.m. In addition to the 143rd running of the final leg of the Triple Crown, Hollywood Park will simulcast 12 other races from Belmont Park.
Track gates will open at 8 a.m. The first simulcast race goes at 8:35 a.m.
The Belmont Stakes will be run between the eighth and ninth races at Hollywood Park. Scheduled post time for the 1 ½ mile race is 3:35 p.m. PDT.
Hollywood Park will offer four stakes races – three of which are graded – Saturday.
The highlight is the $250,000 Charles Whittingham Memorial Handicap, a Grade I at 1 ¼ miles on turf. The supporting features are the $150,000 Honeymoon Handicap, a Grade II for 3-year-old fillies at 1 1/8 miles on turf, the $100,000 Affirmed Handicap, a Grade III for 3-year-olds at 1 1/16 miles over Cushion Track and the $70,000 Cinderella Stakes for 2-year-old fillies at 5 ½ furlongs.
Copyright © 2009-2014, Hollywood Park. All rights reserved.


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Please do not overstuff the curbside returns. You are responsible for the items until they are discharged inside the library.
Wednesday, January 1
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The second day of the Trofeo de Mallorca ended the same as the first – with a bunch sprint – and the BMC Racing Team biding its time for the final two, more difficult days of the race.
Low Stress Start
The 171.7-kilometer Trofeo Migjorn was won by Andrew Fenn (Omega Pharma-Quick Step), who also took Sunday's opener. BMC Racing Team's Tejay van Garderen said his first two races of the season have been a welcome change from what he experienced in past years. "It's kind of interesting to be on a team doing a flat stage and not having all the stress for a sprint," he said. "I'm used to having guys like Mark Cavendish or André Greipel or Matt Goss on the team. Those were all full-stress days. So it's nice to start the first race and just relax." Tuesday's 151 km race will feature six categorized climbs, terrain that is likely to split the pack. "It was a bit hectic today due to the weather and the wind," BMC Racing Team's Steve Cummings said. "I'm just trying to find the rhythm of the race."


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INGLEWOOD, Calif. (September 20, 2012)—Turbulent Descent, the winner of the 2010 Hollywood Starlet at Betfair Hollywood Park, will seek her second victory for trainer Todd Pletcher in the $200,000 Gallant Bloom Handicap Saturday at Belmont Park.
A Grade II at 6 ½ furlongs, the Gallant Bloom is the ninth of 10 races. Scheduled post time is 2:06 p.m. PDT. Track gates at Betfair Hollywood Park will open at 10:15 a.m. for simulcasts.
A 4-year-old daughter of Congrats and the Forestry mare Roger's Sue, Turbulent Descent was purchased privately by Mrs. John Magnier, Michael Tabor and Derrick Smith after winning the Desert Stormer Handicap June 17 at Betfair Hollywood Park.
Turned over to Pletcher, Turbulent Descent won the Grade I Ballerina Aug. 24 at Saratoga in her first start for her new connections, prevailing by 1 ¼ lengths as the odds-on favorite.
The win was the eighth in 12 starts for the Florida bred and increased her earnings to $1,201,640.
Her rivals include stablemate Mildly Offensive, a 4-year-old Sharp Humor filly who also began her career in California. A winner of four of 11, Mildly Offensive captured the restricted Big Bambu Stakes Aug. 31 at Saratoga in her initial attempt for Pletcher and owner –breeder WinStar Farm LLC. Out of the Personal Flag mare It's Personal, Mildly Offensive was third in the Desert Stormer in her next-to-last race for owner Warren Williamson and trainer Carla Gaines.
From inside out, the field for the Gallant Bloom Handicap: Roman Treasure, Jose Lezcano rides, 115 pounds; Island Bound, Edgar Prado, 116; Dust and Diamonds, Julien Leparoux, 114; Judy the Beauty, Joel Rosario, 115; C C's Pal, Alan Garcia, 119; Mildly Offensive, Chris DeCarlo, 116; Emma's Encore, Rosie Napravnik, 116; Risky Rachel, Javier Castellano, 114; Musical Romance, Juan Leyva, 122 and Turbulent Descent, John Velazquez, 121.
Copyright © 2009-2014, Hollywood Park. All rights reserved.


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Contact us: by phone 0 811 480 420 (9:30 – 6:00, M-F, excluding holidays) or by mail: email@example.com
Blouson jacket with breast pocketS7-B-IM0011
This blouson is the classic light and elegant outer garment that is needed for a casual chic mid-season look. The worked details will enable you to stand out with panache. It's practical for travelling, because you can stow it in a leather travel bag without it creasing.
Product : blouson jacket
Fastening: double zip and press studs at the neck
Pockets : three piped and zipped pockets
Cuffs : Capucine stitched with press-stud closure
Interior finishings : piped and zipped pocket
Composition : 100% coton
Put your jacket on a wide wooden hanger after wearing it. This simple gesture will absorb moisture and retain the shape of your jacket
Express delivery to France – 15€ : Your parcel will be carefully delivered in hand and signed-for, through an Express 24hr to 48hr service to France, as soon as your items are available to ship. If you are not present when delivery is attempted, your parcel will be available for pickup at the post office closest to your home.
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Groom Service – Courier delivery with fitting - 85€ : This exclusive service allows you to try on your pieces at home or in the place of your choice before purchasing them, within 24hrs of your request. You only pay for what you keep after trying on the items. Exclusively available in Paris and for all orders containing a suit or outerwear piece, this service is free if an item from the order is kept.
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Packaging : Your Smalto suits and outerwear pieces will be delivered in a suit cover, individually packed in a giftbox baring the colours of the House of Smalto.


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You'll happily put some mileage on your hiking boots on the Iberian Peninsula and adjacent Islands. Feast your eyes on panoramas of volcanic rock washed with waterfalls, see the ocean from the mountains, and explore miles of stunning coastline in Spain and Portugal.
A paradise for hikers, Spain offers diverse landscapes and serenity wrapped up in a pleasant climate almost all year round. Whether you seek a long distance cultural path, such as the Way of Saint James or nature-filled trails, you'll find them on mainland or on the Balearic and Canary Islands. Walk across Medieval bridges, Roman roads, magic valleys, or along stone pathways on the banks of rivers, seeing castles or walking through vineyards; every region of Spain offers trails to take you on the most intimate exploration of its natural beauty and cultural diversity, at the same time requiring whatever level of exertion or outdoor expertise you want. The Pyrenees are particularly spectacular for climbing and hiking; imagine finding hidden waterfalls or an unexpected view of the ocean in the far distance.
In the Minho, walking and hiking are the best way of exploring the greenest of Portugal's regions. Explore the stunning landscape of the Peneda Gerês Natural Park on any of its various routes. Head past dolmens and Roman remains. You'll also come across animals indigenous to the park, such as wild horses and birds of prey, and the friendly 'Gerês Garrano' pony, which has been domesticated for riding. In Madeira walk through a forest of age-old vegetation set in the middle of the ocean. Amble through the forest by following the water channels known as "levadas", and you will discover all kinds of rare species of fauna and flora. It is said that the world's first orchid grew here. Those in search of excitement can climb up to the mountain peaks of Pico do Areeiro and Pico Ruivo where they can walk above the clouds and look down at the island below.
Central Europe is eager to welcome you to discover its treasures!
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Some of the greatest golfers from Europe and the United States will battle it out September 26-28, 2014 in Gleneagles, Scotland, to see which country is the best in all the land during the 2014 Ryder Cup. Commemorate the biennial event on the course by using this repeating pattern towel. Featuring a full-color 2014 Ryder Cup logo, this towel will have you walking among the pros with accessories fit for the championship.
- 100% Cotton
- Imported
- Measures approximately 16" x 25"
- Officially licensed PGA product
- Single grommet in corner
- Sublimated graphics
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Kinivo BTC455 Bluetooth Hands-Free car kit
For its music, voice command, and phone features, and especially its easy-to-install design, the Kinivo BTC455 is one of the better kits for retrofitting a car with Bluetooth.
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Lemur BlueDriver
For its price, the BlueDriver is a convenient tool for those who want some ability to work on and understand modern engines.
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2014 Ferrari F12 Berlinetta
The Ferrari F12 Berlinetta is a stunning car that is a thrill to drive fast and a pleasure to drive slow. It's lacking a bit when it comes to interior tech, but with Ferrari's CarPlay partnership, hopefully that will be changing in future iterations.
Typical price: £239,352.00
iBolt xProDock Connect
The iBolt xProDock Connect's strong hardware and flexible software work well together, but the NFC gimmick feels like a DIY hack.
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2014 Aston Martin Vanquish Coupe
The 2014 Aston Martin Vanquish Coupe is an amazing engine in a package full of soul, but as ever lacking a bit on the tech side. Buy it with your heart, not your head.
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iSimple BluClik
The iSimple BluClik is an easy way enhance safety and keep hands on the wheel by adding simple media controls to vehicles without standard steering wheel buttons.
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Garmin Dash Cam 20
With a bit of tweaking, the Garmin Dash Cam 20 is a (mostly) silent witness that watches the road without attracting the driver's attention.
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Vehicle Diagnostics by Delphi
Delphi's Vehicle Diagnostics system works best as a tool for parents who let their kids drive the family car, as it shows the car location and will trigger an alert if the car leaves a proscribed area.
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Parrot Asteroid
The Parrot Asteroid falls a bit short on delivering the Internet and a rich app experience in the car, but it's still a solid receiver for users looking to add great digital audio connectivity and a top-tier hands-free calling experience to any vehicle.
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Pioneer AppRadio SPH-DA01
Pioneer's AppRadio has great potential as a cost-effective way to add touch-screen iPhone app control to a car's dashboard, but interface and multitasking issues will prove frustrating for early adopters.


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Thursday, July 07, 2011
Two Sides of an Argument
Many times a good film presents two sides of an argument and the film's hero is caught between the two viewpoints, trying to navigate their way through and choose between the two competing philosophies.
"High Noon" (SPOILER ALERT) starts with the Sheriff of a small western town (Will Kane, played by Gary Cooper) getting married to Grace Kelly on a Sunday morning. She's a Quaker (a religion that, at least as the movie explains it, prohibits violence against others) so Will is going to "hang up his guns", give up being a lawman and move away to another town to open a store. The town's new sheriff is set to arrive tomorrow.
However, just at that moment, three criminals ride into town and go to the train station to wait for the noon train to arrive. It turns out that they are the gang mates of Frank Miller, a notorious criminal who used to run the town until Will Kane cleaned up the town and sent Frank to prison. Frank was supposed to be hanged, but was pardoned instead. Now he's headed back to town on the train (set to arrive at noon, hence the film's title) to take his revenge on Kane for sending him to jail.
So Will has about an hour and a half before the train arrives and the four gunman ride into town to kill him. He's caught between two bad choices (which brings to mind the old expression "caught between the horns of a dilemma").
On the one hand, he could ride out of town with his wife (which is what she wants him to do). But Will can't bring himself to do that, because he knows that the gunmen will chase him wherever he goes, and he'd rather fight them here, in town, where he knows the townspeople. Will figures the townspeople will give him a hand in his fight.
The downside of this choice is that his wife has made him promise never to use violence again (because of her strongly held religious beliefs) and she threatens to leave him if he doesn't go away with her immediately.
Against her wishes, he chooses to stay. But as he tries to gather townspeople to help him defend the town, he has more trouble than expected. The townspeople are terrified of the Miller gang, and they know Miller's vendetta is against Kane. Why should they put their lives on the line when this is Kane's problem? When Kane asks them to help, they encourage him to run (so they can have a clear conscience) and they ask him questions he can't answer, like "If I get gunned down in this fight, who will take care of my wife? My kids?"
So what gives the film its powerful intensity is this tension between different points of view (and the tangible, pressing deadline of the arrival of the noon train). The brilliance of the film is that it gives equal weight to both sides - Will has really good reasons why he's convinced he has to stay and fight, his wife has good reasons why she won't stay if he does, and the townspeople have good reasons why they can't really help him and why he should run away.
The key is that you have to present both sides as honestly and attractively as you can. That way, it's very hard for your character to choose between them and this creates a lot of conflict, tension and emotion.
This is where many films fall down (in my opinion): they make one side obviously "good" and one side obviously "evil", so that there's no real tension about which way the hero will jump. You know they'll never pick the "evil" path so you're just waiting for the hero to figure out what the audience already knows.
To really make your hero caught between "the horns of a dilemma", the two sides should seem equally valid possible choices for your hero.
"Toy Story 2" is an animated film that does it very well. Woody is caught between the choice of going back to be with Andy until he gets too old to play with Woody anymore, and then facing an uncertain future, or going to be preserved in a Museum forever, but never being played with again.
Even when making a film that's a fairy tale, or one that is set in the past, I think it's really important to make the choices in the movie ones that are universal and relateable to everyone and reflect problems and issues faced by all people, not just people who lived in the past (or princes and princesses, for that matter).
As we were making "Tangled", I always saw the two viewpoints that Rapunzel had to choose between as either staying at home with her Mother, where life is safe and predictable, or going out into the world and making her own way, where she runs the risk of being hurt and having her heart broken.
Both are valid viewpoints and you see people who have to choose between those two options every day. It's one of the biggest choices we face in life.
Anyway, the point is: as the film maker, you have to look at both sides and make them as valid as you can for your hero. The goal is to make the audience sit on the edge of their seat, stressed about which one the hero will pick, wondering which way the hero will jump. If you do it right, they'll be fascinated by watching it all unfold, but relieved that it's your characters (and not them) having to make the excruciating choice.
13 comments:
- ScotlandBarnes said...
I always liked that about "Bridge on the River Kwai" - Guinness could do build a weak bridge - or build a strong bridge - and the rest of the film deals with the consequences of his actions. Great post Mark!
- Ian said...
Hi Mark - I haven't seen High Noon in decades and have been trying to remember the ending. Do the film makers ever even right at the end make it clear which choice the hero should have made? I just think of how in Toy Story 2 they create that tension of choice, but then right near the end reveal new stuff about Stinky Pete's character that suddenly makes it very obvious which way Woddy should go. In your opinion is this something needed to make it friendly for children or just a creative call?
Also I thought of True Grit while reading this. I guess its not always about what's attractive about both sides. In that case there are two law men, but both are deeply flawed in their own way, so the girl and we as viewers find it hard at times to know who or if we should favour either of them.
- Jesse Hamm said...
I totally agree with the "two sides" point. I think stories are stronger when you feel caught in the hero's own dilemma.
That said, I've gotta be honest and say I never for a moment felt that it was an attractive option for Rapunzel to stay in the tower. Was that supposed to come across as a dilemma? I enjoyed the film, but it felt a lot more like The Rescuers: "Get her the heck OUTTA there!"
- TheLittleBlackCat said...
"Attractive" option, no, but "compelling", I think so. Given Rapunzell's character (sweet, naive, eager to please) and lack of knowledge about Mother Gothel, I could see why she would vacillate between the two choices at a given point in the story, especially since her goal at the outset was not as imperative as a typical "Save the kingdom/princess/world" hero's journey. It was smaller and more personal, and so she reasonably could feel guilty and selfish about wanting it. The rapid cuts between "Best Day Ever" and "I'm a horrible daughter" scenes brought her thinking on the dilemma home for me.
Of course, we the audience know the whole time what she must choose to keep the story rolling, just like we know what Gary Cooper must choose, so we may not feel as caught as the character does.
- West said...
Hi Man,
Excellent post. I normally don't comment, but what you've said is so damn true.
- netta said...
That's why I love Miyazaki's stories. There is no good or bad - only human choices.
- solutionsby said...
very nice, please do more of these, many thanks....
- Joon Kim said...
I agree that the story in Tangled never really convinced me (the audience) of Rapunzel's dilemma either.
I can intellectually make sense of why it would be, but it never worked dramatically. Her cute bi-polar montage was played more as a gag. Otherwise, there was never a question of what she should want or which life she should choose.
The dilemma in Toy Story 2 was nearly perfect. So is Indy's in Raiders of the Lost Ark. A lot of movies don't seem to know how to do this. Granted, it's very difficult.
Ian, I don't think Stinky Pete's villainy invalidates Woody possibly choosing a life of immortality. It's not as if Jessie and Bullseye turned out to be jerks too.
The Bridge on the River Kwai is such an awesome example of this as well. It so expertly puts you into Nicholson's head that you can understand his motivation in aiding the enemy.
- Joon Kim said...
Toy Story 3, as entertaining as it was, also had a flimsy dilemma for Woody.
At some point, it half-asses a moment where Woody has to choose between making it back to Andy before he goes to college or saving his friends from the daycare.
- OV! said...
great post.
RISK and DILEMMA are what defines a characters true desire. making those choices under pressure is what draws and audience and moves them to feel one way or another.
- GW said...
It's an interesting concept, but my gut tells me that you're taking a good concept and stretching it too far. It's a good idea to have two equally valid sides to choose from, but since you've provided no alternatives to this equality of viewpoint scenario to compare and contrast, I can't take your word for it.
- mark kennedy said...
Scotland - thanks for the post
Ian - I think it's always clear in High Noon that he'll stay and fight. If he runs, there's no movie. Also his character is so strong that you know he won't chicken out. In Toy Story 2 I think the Pete stuff helps to "up the stakes" and make things more exciting at the end - if Pete doesn't have a huge stake and isn't pushing at Woody to go to the Museum, you have a problem: Woody would have to decide on the plane that he can't go to the Museum and that's pretty late....it's much better, dramatically, to have Woody make the decision but then be trapped and unable to flee.I think even in Toy Story 2 you know Woody will return to Andy, but still, they made the Museum idea as attractive as they could.
Jesse - It wasn't about tricking the audience into thinking Rapunzel might return to the tower, because the audience knows that will never happen - all Disney movies have happy endings, of course. And I don't really think the audience is ever fooled into thinking Gary Cooper will run or that Woody will go to the Museum. The point is to do your work and make those options as attractive as you can. A lot of films don't, and then the dilemma feels false, and the audeince is asking, "why is he even considering option B?"
Black Cat, West, Netta, Solutions - thanks for the comments!
Joon - as I said above, the point wasn't to fool you into thinking she'd go back, because the audience knows she won't really, but it was about making the tower a safe place for her, as attractive an option as it could be. The alternative - a dark scary tower where she's kept as a prisoner - wouldn't make for a film where she has to make a choice. That's just a film where she escapes her imprisonment.
Did you mean Alec Guinness in "Kwai"?
OV! - thanks for the comment
GW _ don't really understand what you're asking...?
- ramonwx7 said...
I simply love this post. Very interesting to read and amazing analogy.
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I have been quietly looking for a new owner for some time, knowing that it would be prudent to have long term plans to keep the store in good hands. I have family in England
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My crust was delicious but hard. When slicing it tended to crack- is this normal or did i press to hard on the dough?
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