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Program Basics
Newly authorized in the 2008 Farm Bill, the Specialty Crop Research Initiative (SCRI) is a competitive grant program that funds specialty crop research and extension projects conducted by federal agencies, national laboratories, colleges and universities, research institutions and organizations, private organizations or corporations, State agricultural experiment stations, and individuals. The research and extension projects must address the critical needs of the specialty crop industry, including:
Each of these five purposes will receive at least 10% of the total funding for the program to ensure that one or two purposes are not funded at the expense of all the others. Priority will be given to projects that are multi-state, multi-institutional, or multidisciplinary and that include explicit mechanisms to communicate results to producers and the public. Matching funds at least equivalent to the grant amount are required.
2008 Farm Bill Changes
This is a new farm bill program.
Section 7311 of the Food, Conservation, and Energy Act (FCEA) of 2008 amends Title IV of the Agricultural, Research, Extension, and Education Reform Act of 1998 to establish the Specialty Crop Research Initiative, to be codified at 7 U.S.C. 7632.
Over the life of the new farm bill, $230 million in mandatory funding is provided for the program. An additional authorization of appropriations for up to $100 million each fiscal year is also provided should Congress decide that additional funding is warranted.
Specialty Crop Research Initiative Funding
Please note: The funding levels in the chart above show the amount of mandatory funding reserved by the 2008 Farm Bill for this program to be provided through USDA's Commodity Credit Corporation. However, Congress does at times pass subsequent appropriations legislation that caps the funding level for a particular year for a particular program at less than provided by the farm bill in order to use the resulting savings to fund a different program. Therefore, despite its "mandatory" status, the funding level for a given year could be less than the farm bill dictates should the Appropriations Committee decide to raid the farm bill to fund other programs under its jurisdiction.
Implementation Basics
The program is administered by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture (NIFA; formerly, the Cooperative State Research, Education and Extension Service). Each year NIFA will release a Request for Applications (RFA) which is available on their website, on Grants.gov, and through the Federal Register. However, due to the expiration of the 2008 Farm Bill on October 1st, 2012, no future RFAs will be issued for SCRI until Congress reauthorizes the program in a new farm bill or extension package.
For up-to-date application deadlines and links to current RFAs, you can always visit NSAC's quick guide to farm bill programs and grants.
After the application deadline, proposals are reviewed and ranked for merit and relevance by peer review committees, with top ranked proposals selected for funding.
A six-month public comment period on the RFA is triggered when the RFA is released.During the comment period, recommendations for priority topics for the following year's RFA may be submitted by individuals and organizations to NIFA.
NIFA has released a final rule regarding the administrative provisions for the Specialty Crop Research Initiative.
Additional Resources
For more information on the Specialty Crop Research Initiative (SCRI), visit NIFA's program website.


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"Three things I know this second: I have morning breath, I'm naked, and I'm waking up next to a boy I don't know." - Daisy Whitney, The Mockingbirds
Alex's first time wasn't what she expected at all. In fact, she can't really remember it and she is pretty sure that she didn't want it. As the pieces begin to come together she realizes that she was date raped. Alex decides that she is going to tell no one, but she does have one option . . . The Mockingbirds. At Themis Academy, a boarding school, there is a secret group that upholds its own form of law among the students. The Mockingbirds are the law. When they give a judgment, and pass down a punishment, all the students know they must obey.
The Mockingbirds is a gem of a novel that I had the pleasure of reading when it first came out. It is a heart wrenching tale of a young lady trying to deal and heal with the fact that she was date raped. It is also a compelling tale of life at a boarding school with a secret society of students that enforces its own code of laws. The sequel to the Mockingbirds, The Rivals, has just been released and I had the pleasure for doing a Q&A with author Daisy Whitney to share here with you at TLT.
Q: Why did you choose to have your series setting in a boarding school? How did you go about developing the world of your school?
I went to a public high school in Miami that has its vending machines locked up behind grates so I was always very drawn to boarding school settings because they're so different from my school background. I also knew a lot of students in college who had gone to boarding school
AND there is such a rich tradition of boarding schools in literature, so The Mockingbirds was a great vehicle for me to explore this world. As for research, I spent a lot of time studying the elite boarding
schools in this country to get the feel right.
Q: What do you hope teen readers take from the character of Alex and her experiences as a victim of date rape?
I truly believe every reader takes away something different. For some, it may be that taking a stand is cool. For others, it may be that they can turn to their friends for support. Still others, might see that
it's possible to heal after bad things happen.
Q: Where did you get the idea of having a secret student group that takes on the idea of justice come from? Is that something you have heard back from readers exist in boarding schools around the country?
Good question! I haven't heard of any groups like The Mockingbirds. I devised the idea because I very much wanted the book to be a law & order and a trial type of story -- sort of Law & Order meets Dead
Poets Society. Once I knew there was going to be a trial, I needed to take it underground to be authentic, and the Mockingbirds were born from that need.
Q: How did To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee influence you personally? How did it influence The Mockingbirds?
To Kill a Mockingbird is a great work of literature but also the canonical story of justice and doing the right thing, especially when it's hard. It was a natural fit!
Q: In the end of The Mockingbirds Alex is given the opportunity to be a part of The Mockingbirds, how does this influence the story line in The Rivals?
Alex must move on in the second book from victim/survivor to leader and enforcer and deal with the challenges of her new role.
Q: Do you think The Mockingbirds have a correct notion of the idea of justice? Do you see it evolving as the series evolves?
I believe the Mockingbirds, as a group, are doing the best they can. I believe they are idealists and they want to do the right thing. It's not easy though to do the right thing with a student-run justice group
and the Rivals digs into the challenges even more.
Q: The Rivals touches on the topics of cheating and prescription drug use, what other topics do you think the Mockingbirds could foreseeably take on? Is it your goal to have the series continue?
I'm happy with a two-book series, though I could see this group taking on any number of cases from hate speech to bullying to theft to more.
Q: When did you know that you wanted to write? What steps did you take to fulfill that dream?
I've been making a living as a journalist for my entire career so writing was always part of my daily routine as an adult. For the longest time I thought I would be quite content to write non-fiction
news articles, but alas, I was bitten by the fiction bug as so many journalists are and started writing novels! My first three novels are unpubbed, but I kept writing and kept at it every day until I broke
through. As for steps -- it's simple - sit down, open computer, bleed words.
Q: Why did you choose to write YA literature?
The teen years are full of firsts -- first kiss, first dance, first love, first heartache. There is a tremendous intensity to being a teen and that's great fodder to tap into as a writer.
Q: What 3 words would you use to describe your series?
Intrigue, justice, power
Q: What are you currently reading?
Paris, My Sweet! (A memoir of living in Paris)
Let me say this, if you have not read The Mockingbirds - you should. It is a remarkable tale about healing while also being a thrilling tale about justice and power. Alex is a moving character. It is also an important tale as it empowers survivors and provides great material for group discussions. This is a great contemporary novel that stays with you long after you have turned the last page. That's why today is your lucky day! Leave a comment to this post and you will be entered to win a copy of The Mockingbirds, the first book in the series - you have to start from the beginning. Tell us what you thought of the book if you've already read it, or tell us what you thought of To Kill a Mockingbirds by Harper Lee (if you haven't read that, well - you really should). Or just drop us a line to say hi and enter. The contest will be open to comments all next week.
And special thanks to Daisy Whitney for writing this great novel and taking the time to share it with us today.
"Don't wake up. Don't wake up. Don't wake up." - Daisy Whitney, The Mockingbirds
a Rafflecopter giveaway
Friday, February 24, 2012
Q&A with Daisy Whitney
4 comments:
Thanks for the chance to win a copy! I still haven't read The Mockingbirds, but I'm anxious to start it - especially with that pretty new cover :) And as far as TKaM goes, our first baby was born this fall and if he had been a she, her name would have been Scout. Can't think of a better legacy for a baby girl! However, he is a he, and his name is Lincoln :)ReplyDelete
I loved this book! Now I can't wait to read the sequel!ReplyDelete
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Cubs 2, Giants 1: Hector Rondon worked around a pair of hits in the ninth inning and Anthony Rizzo's two-run homer from two nights earlier held up as host Chicago won a game that began Tuesday.
The Cubs led 2-0 after 4 1/2 innings when heavy rain moved in Tuesday and, coupled with the grounds crew's failure to properly tarp the infield, left the field unplayable. After a delay of more than 4 1/2 hours, the game was declared final, but Major League Baseball upheld San Francisco's protest Wednesday.
The restart also was delayed by rain, but the Giants quickly cut the margin in half on pinch-hitter Joe Panik's RBI single in the sixth. Panik and Brandon Crawford hit back-to-back one-out singles against Rondon in the ninth to move the tying run into scoring position, but Rondon struck out Gregor Blanco and made a nice play to knock down Pagan's come-backer and throw him out at first to earn his 19th save.
Tsuyoshi Wada (3-1), who allowed six hits over five scoreless frames before the rain came Tuesday, was credited with the win, while Giants starter Ryan Vogelsong (7-9) took the loss. Rizzo's two-run homer in the first inning Tuesday -h is 29th of the season - accounted for all the scoring for Chicago, and the All-Star first baseman had two of the Cubs' three hits.
GAME NOTEBOOK: The Giants were trying to become the first team to win a protested contest since the Pirates beat the Dodgers at Forbes Field in 1948. … The official time of the rain delay was six hours, 31 minutes, though it spanned nearly 48 hours. … The Cubs placed SS Starlin Castro on the bereavement list and recalled 2B Logan Watkins from Triple-A Iowa.


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Daunte Culpepper has confirmed reports that he turned down a 1-year, $1 million offer to back up Aaron Rodgers in Green Bay.
"It just wasn't good for either side," Daunte explained, adding, "I'm just waiting for the right situation for me. I'm in talks with a couple of different teams right now."
Daunte insists that he wants to be a starter. So what he's saying is that there are a couple of different teams willing to at least give him a shot at being the #1 quarterback. And these are Arena League teams?
Daunte's problem of course is that he's not the most diligent worker in the world. He was MVP-caliber for a time with the Vikings because he had years to learn the system, and because he had Scott Linehan babysitting him. To go to a new team and learn a whole offense in time to start when the season begins? That would be hard for someone who worked their ass off…and Daunte does not work his ass off.
Daunte needs to get in tune with reality, take whatever job anyone is willing to offer him, work at it, then be ready in case of injury. That's the only way he's getting back in. No one in the NFL is silly/desperate enough to give him a crack at their starting job in camp. Except maybe the Bears.


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A few days ago, I discovered that she was having an affair with a fellow graduate student at school. A little background:
About a month ago, my wife came to me suggesting that we go into couples counseling. This was not a completely surprising suggestion since we had been having some ongoing clashes that we were having some trouble getting past, but if you had asked me at the time, I would have said that our marriage was mostly functional and happy, but beleaguered by a handful of ongoing conflicts and problems: in other words, a normal marriage. However, it came out in the course of the conversation that she was having serious doubts about our marriage and our future together. I wont give many details about the problems she raised, but lets just say that its a familiar story of a husband cruising through marriage while his wife repeatedly feels that her emotional needs are not being met. Many of the problems she brought up were legitimate (while some were exaggerated or distorted), and when I began to see just how badly I had managed to hurt her by my actions, I was devastated, and of course with all of this language about the marriage not working out, I was terrified. After a few angry and heated conversations, I came to her on my hands and knees promising to change. I knew deep down that our problems could not possibly be all my fault, but I also knew that I wouldnt get anywhere by finger pointing. I had already begun to push her further away when I lashed out at her during our initial conversations, and I couldnt risk pushing her away any more. I had to focus on my problems and my faults and focus on giving up my own need for vindication in order to love her. Basic marriage 101 things that I learned too late.
So we had begun to go to counseling, and it became apparent that she was not so much interested in working out our problems in counseling to improve our marriage as she was in negotiating the end of the relationship. So I was desperately trying to be given the chance to change and show that I could change, but in many respects it seemed like she had already given upon me, too emotionally wounded and drained to even give it time to play out. She has been pushing for a separation, which I believe is simply a stepping-stone to divorce for her.
This whole time, I had been laboring under the assumption that, with some exceptions that I hoped would come out in therapy, my wife was primarily the wronged party. I was saddled with horrible feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and was terrified of the possibility that I might not be even given the chance to make things right when I knew in my heart and mind that our problems were not insurmountable.
That is when I learned about the affair. As is often the case, I learned about it through perhaps morally questionable means, snooping around in her e-mail account. It was a breach of trust, but when I confronted her about it, she was less upset about it than I thought she would be. She seemed more upset that she hadnt managed to be more discreet (in other words, she seem like she was sorry that she got caught). She came clean. She told me what, I think, was everything: how she had met the guy at a party five months ago, hit it off and several months later reconnected. The scumbag took her back to his apartment and kissed her. She liked it, and the continued seeing each other. He knew that she was married, and that she had a kid and was okay with that. Hearing all of this, I somehow managed to remain calm, though every second of the revelation was like having a hot knife twisted in my gut. It was made worse by the fact that I heard little or no remorse in her voice. Her confession was almost starry-eyed. Later, she told me, she discovered that, in a crazy coincidence, a friend of hers in her book club had also begun seeing the same man. Needless to say, both of them were shocked and hurt. My wifes confrontation with the guy revealed what, according to her, was a miscommunication about exclusivity. Apparently the scoundrel figured that since he was already seeing a married woman, the normal rules of exclusivity probably didnt apply. And astoundingly, my wife seemed to accept that, and they agreed to have an exclusive relationship from that point out. My wifes friend, however, was not so understanding, and had the thought that you are probably all having right now, which was to question how she could keep on seeing someone who had cheated on her! The language was, of course, intensely ironic, and I kept on wondering how it was in all of this that no one brought up that the real problem was the fact that she was cheating on her husband! They all seemed to accept my wifes infidelity, which mad me suspect that I had been painted in their eyes as a real monster, a terrible husband somehow not deserving of fidelity. It felt like I was living in some terrible alternate universe, where not only had my wife turned against me, but everyone she knew had as well.
Having learned some of this through reading her e-mails, I had been able to steel myself somewhat for this conversation. I knew that the wrong response would be to immediately try to use this information as ammunition against her, in order to turn the entire situation around and make her the villain. Even if I was justified in that, I knew that it wouldnt help, and shed probably feel like there was no way to come back from this and quit on the spot. I wanted to shout at her, revile her, curse her for her betrayal. Nearly every part of me wanted to walk out on her right then and there, but a small part of me clung to the possibility that even this could possibly be overcome, and I focused in on it. For my daughter, if no one else, I thought to myself. So instead of cursing her, I told her that I loved her, and that even this did not change my resolve to save our marriage. She did seem surprised at this. She asked how I could love her after she cheated on me. Perhaps if we were in a movie, I would have heard those words and thought that my devotion had warmed her heart, but I dont believe that was the case. She said that she thought that I was crazy for loving her, and I think she meant it just like that. She reaffirmed to me that she did not love me, and wanted a separation.
I wanted to tell her how she was not only wrong, but stupid for having an affair, because, after all, what kind of person fools around with another mans wife aside from a dirty rotten scoundrel? But whenever I hinted at my opinion of her lover, she rebuffed me, saying that I had no right to judge his character without knowing him. What a strange situation to be in, but I had to acknowledge, painful though it was, that at the moment, she had a stronger emotional connection to him than she did to me, and that this reaction, though terrible and misguided, was natural. I told her what I was sure she already knew, that I didnt want her to see him anymore. She told me she couldnt give any guarantees.
The next morning, my wife called me and told me that she had broken off the affair. She revealed that she had told him that they needed to cut off their romantic relationship so that she could Focus on getting out of her marriage. I have no idea what this means, whether she is planning on getting back together with him after we separate, or what. Its certainly not the reason I wanted to hear for her ending the affair! She seems more determined than ever to get out.
I havent forgiven her, and I dont trust her, and I dont even respect her anymore. I do love her, but loving her feels more like a torturous exertion of willpower than a warm feeling of affection, and I do it because of the fools hope that our love for one another can come back and be rebuilt, that trust can be restored over time, and we can somehow get over this horrible, horrible betrayal. Frankly, I dont even know how I am holding on to this hope, because I feel like Im emotionally at the end of my rope. I feel like a walking dead man, a corpse with no blood running through his veins who is somehow still walking, still going on. I am trying desperately to save my family, to save for our daughter a future in a loving household. I fear that I still wont be given the chance. Im not sure how much longer I can go on like this.
I am still not sure if my wife feels sorry for her affair. It sounded to me like she felt that it was largely justified due to the way I had treated her. And while I do have to accept responsibility for my failings as a husband, I refuse to accept responsibility for her adultery.
The emotional toll has been severe. I have never felt a pain this intense, this terrible, in my life before. Daily functioning takes a huge amount of energy that I dont have. I want to just curl up in a ball and grieve, but every day I still have to get up and put on a happy face for my daughter and play with her and continue to raise her. I feel trapped and just want to scream. And the worst part is that I know that this is only the beginning. If somehow, my wife is convinced to try to work it out (and she seems impossible to convince), we have a long and torturous road ahead of us. If she refuses to get off of the path to separation and divorce, then it is going to be even worse. It feels like every time I feel like I couldnt possibly be hurting more than I already am, something comes along that hurts even more.
She has already started looking at apartments for moving out. I have basically until July first before shes gone. She says that she wants us to agree to a separation with joint custody, which gives me a little bit of leverage since shell probably want to avoid making it a legal battle, which means she will need to compromise with me, but apart from that, I am completely powerless. I feel like I have no choice but to try to make this work because the consequences of giving up are too terrible for me to contemplate, especially for our daughter, but at this point pessimism and despair are beginning to sink in. For the past month I have been trying, as much as my wife will let me (which isnt much) to live out the kind of behavior that I should have been exhibiting for years, but between my wifes continual emotional coldness to these efforts and the discovery of the affair, I am finding myself with less energy and drive for this every day. Im not sure what to do. I am fairly certain that if I give up without continuing to try until the bitter end, I will have to live with regrets for the rest of my life, forever wondering whether it could have been better, whether we could have had our happily ever after, whether our daughter could have grown up in a complete and loving family. I feel like I know what I have to do, but I dont know how, and I dont know if I can, and perhaps most crushingly, I dont know if it will make a difference.
I argued to her that we had every reason to at least try, and no reason not to. If we gave it a few months and it didnt change her mind, then wed just be back where we started, but if things did get better, then we could have years of happiness ahead of us, and we would be able to say that we delivered to our daughter a childhood in a whole and happy family. The benefits of trying outweigh the drawbacks spectacularly. She says that the downside is having to live with me for any further amount of time, which is apparently torture enough that shes not willing to do it. I understand this to a certain extent because I understand probably even better than she does at this point what its like to be emotionally strung out and at the end of your rope with someone who has hurt you, but I still argued that this was a small price to pay for the good that could come.
Ultimately this did not move her, but she said that she would consider a month-long trial period leading up to her moving out, and that shed take the weekend to think about it. Im not hopeful that shell decide to do it, and if she does, my fear is that shell simply check it off of her list and leave me anyway, having the salve of being able to say she tried, when in reality both of us know that a month isnt nearly enough. And whats more, I fear that after putting myself on the line for another month, it will hurt even more when it still fails in the end. Still, its all I have.
And so after being betrayed, somehow Im still the one with his face in the dirt begging to be given a second chance. How did this happen? What do I do?
So sorry you are here. So sorry you love her so much. But, it really sounds like she has already checked out of your M. She may have done it long before the A.
Are you still doing M counseling?
Maybe you should let her go. Perhaps some time away, might make her realize she still loves you (only if she is in a fog).
Im not sure what to do. I am fairly certain that if I give up without continuing to try until the bitter end, I will have to live with regrets for the rest of my life, forever wondering whether it could have been better, whether we could have had our happily ever after, whether our daughter could have grown up in a complete and loving family. I feel like I know what I have to do, but I dont know how, and I dont know if I can, and perhaps most crushingly, I dont know if it will make a difference.
Welcome to the club none of us wanted to be members of.
As to your daughter growing up in a "complete and loving family", forget about it. Your wife has ensured that will never happen.
There is nothing "complete" or "loving" about adultery. Adultery is commited by people who have a total indifference to the welfare of their spouse, their kids, and their family.
And, as to your "happily ever after"? Forget about it. That's not going to happen anytime soon, if it ever does.
Your wife is only sorry she got caught, not sorry she did it.
As long as this is the case, NOTHING you can do, say is going to "make a difference". You are a "plan B", a "default". If she chooses you, it will be out of some kind of compulsion, not because she is in love with you and wants to make life with you.
Kids learn horrible lessons when marriages stay together "for their sake". Ask me. I stayed with the slut because I wanted my kids to have both their parents.
My son grew up and married a slut far worse than his mom. This one left him in the hospital with 12 stitches in his face. She has not only cheated multiple times, she has committed FELONIES for which he has nearly gone bankrupt twice tryng to keep her out of prison.
Kids are BETTER OFF with one moral, decent, upright parent than with two parents, one of whom is a slime-ball who considers only herself and her own feelings and doesn't give a carpenter's damn about anyone else, including her kids.
And, as for "the fog" ? Forget about that, too. It is a complete falsehood, a non-existent phenomenon.
People commit adultery because THEY WANT TO, and because they have NO RESPECT for the welfare of others.
she said that she would consider a month-long trial period leading up to her moving out, and that shed take the weekend to think about it.
Adulterers all have one thing in common: they're LIARS. She is no more going to "think about it" than she is going to sign up for the first rocket to Mars. This is "trickle-truth".
[This message edited by tfkeel at 11:22 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]
Okay, you had marital problems. Two things: 1) Why did she decide to solve those by stepping out of the M as opposed to seeking counseling? 2) You were in the same crappy marriage and didn't cheat.
So -- this is on her. You have NO responsibility. Yes, you own 50% of the marital problems. That's it, though. As an adult, SHE is responsible for her own feelings. Needs not being met? You talk to your husband or a counselor. Unsure about the future of your marriage? Again, communicate, don't do a trial run of the single life.
So what do you do now? Personally? I say pull a 180. Read here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785
YOU do not deserve to be Plan B, the fallback.
My advice is to pull a 180. And breathe. And eat, and hydrate.
[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 11:27 PM, May 17th (Friday)]
I hate the term "wayward", as if they just went a little of course, and oooop's, our genitals locked up... BULLSHIT! They gladly chose to fuck over the person they were to protect, destroy many others for their selfish desires, and all they have now is lies, anger toward the BS, gaslighting, etc.
They are monsters, the enemy from the second they chose to cross a line they would have never wanted or allowed you to cross. I'm glad for folks who can truly reconcile, not hold it over the cheater, and live some other version of the M they have now; me, NO WAY, especially with what I have been through, and experienced with the pod person.
dbellanon, I truly feel and FULLY understand your pain, but real simple here from what you have written:
FUCK her and her excuses, blame shift, lack of remorse and a soul, decency, and zero care for your feelings. I say this with compassion, as I would not want another fella to go through the hell I have, and I'm trying to help you heal as fast as possible. You are in shock, and need to take very good care of yourself, and understand the flood of emotions you we be experiencing, many within the span of minutes. Serve her D papers now, and go from there... She is gone, long gone, and you will not love, sex, nice her back, and I hope the best for you friend, and for your DD. You WILL be OK, and SI will be your lifesaver through this mess.
The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...
Believe her. Give her what she wants.
The only conversations to have with her right now should be about 'logistics'.
Grovelling, begging, pleading, being nice.....none of those things will work and will only serve to hurt YOU more.
You may feel as if you're dying inside, but DO NOT let her see it. Just don't. Cry in the shower, beat the shit out of a punching bag at the gym, run 30 miles....whatever. Just don't 'give' her anymore of your emotions right now.
And this:
she said that she would consider a month-long trial period leading up to her moving out, and that shed take the weekend to think about it.
^^Finding that out was devastating to me. Don't let ^^that be you. It sucks. Bad.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Also, I believe there is an additional thread at the top of the General forum.
eta: yep, there was. Here's that one also.
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:41 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]
Sorry you are here.
Next. Shes checked out of the M.
I know this hurts because what you wrote is exactly how my ex behaved.
You don't have to feel guilty, you are a normal H and she is broken.
Protect yourself and DD both emotionally and financially.
She is way ahead of you in the planning department. You need to catch up.
From what I could figure out, OM is unmarried. So he has nothing to lose.
Save the evidences and record her conversations.
Be mentally prepared for a long battle.
I know you love her, but, right now you have to let her go. People do get back together even after the D.
My best guess is OM is just using her and will throw her out the first instance he gets ( with another fling) , this where WW gets the kick back to reality or realizes the pain of rejection.
Be civil, your anger on her will only justify her decision to leave.
This gets better eventually with time.
Be civil, your anger on her will only justify her decision to leave.
She is absolutely convinced she doesn't love you and the affair was her way of demonstrating this. No remorse; don't waste a month groveling in an attempt to change her minds.
Just calmly tell her that on reflection you agree this marriage should end and you both move on with your lives. Ask her to move out ASAP. Only by rejecting her will she begin to question her actions and wonder if she has made the correct decision. Let the affair with the OM run its course as you divorce her. She may see you in a different light as you move on and she is left alone minus her Casanova..
My xWW was just like yours. She almost gleefully talked about the A. She wanted out of the M, but was too cowardly to do it herself, the right way, so she had an A, threw it in my face, halfway pretended to want R, then had another A. She just wanted me to end it. So I finally did, but 6 months too late, 6 months of pain and suffering I did not need to endure.
That's why I say let her go. The only chance for R is for her to leave, somehow see how much she misses you, and comes begging her way back.
Bro hugs. This is the toughest thing to endure.
It sounds like your WW has already left your M. She's totally in the fog with the OM.
Something tells me that once she leaves, and she will, the OM will loose interest in her. He's not about to raise another man's child. And he's already cheated on your WW at least once so she doesn't mean much to him except cheap sex.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Cheaters Handbook 101 Page 1: We did not have sex. Deny, deny, deny.
Sorry to be so blunt, but so many of us here have heard the same line.
You need to meet with an attorney like yesterday. You need to protect your daughter.
Unfortunately, you cannot "nice" your wife back into the marriage. I don't think anything you do at this point is going to change her mind.
Buckle up, put yourself in the driver's seat.
One thing I did after my D-Day 8 years ago was pretty much putting on my bitch boots. I would not tolerate any more disrespect to me or the marriage. My way or the highway.
Read up on the 180 and implement it immediately, for your own sake.
Like everyone else here, I am going to give you advice based on my experience. Everyone here told me very similar things to what they are telling you. Although not married or with a child, my WGF took a very similar course of action in ending our relationship and making me feel like I didn't do enough. It's going to be the hardest thing to pull back and not "TRY" for the sake of what your used to have and your DD but it is obvious that your WW has checked out a while ago just as my WGF did before she started an A and started blaming me for not doing enough for her in the relationship.
DO NOT beg, DO NOT try to convince her of the changes that you made. Those changes are fine and they are for YOU. It's time to focus on YOU and your DD. My friend told me to put this saying as the wallpaper on my phone when I was having trouble detaching from WGF (and still am) "The 180 is the only right thing to do". Please read about the 180 and detach from your, what seems like, completely unremorseful WW. Nothing about this will be easy. All the easy routes will be the wrong routes but you sound intelligent and strong.
I can't say it enough, pretty much everything that anyone says in here might as well be gospel spoken from the Infidelity Healing gods. Heed it. Wishing you strength. Post as often as you need to.
"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back
[This message edited by shiloe at 4:25 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]
Your daughter will still grow up in a loving family. She will just have two homes.
Contact a lawyer and move ahead with filing. You can still continue to work on saving your M, but at least you are actively moving ahead.
Go and open a separate bank account and take 1/2 of $ or as advised by lawyer.
Go to the Dr and get tested for STDs - who knows where OM has been & now you have been exposed to him.
Once OM realizes his mistress is single and wanting commitment I think he will back away - he was looking for fun, not a wife (and not one with a child). Once she's dumped and realizes she is a single mom, she will most likely realize what she has lost and beg your forgiveness. But the woman who is asking for forgiveness is no longer the woman you married, so that will be a decision you have to make - good luck my friend.
It is a good quick start to advice and basic actions to take.
Understand that this is not your fault and it isn't about you. Also understand your wife is a liar and is not trustworthy - everything she says here is suspect. Any promises she might make, any agreements she might give you, even if they are written and signed in blood do not expect them to be worth the paper it's written on.
Take steps to protect yourself. See a lawyer immediately. Good luck, sorry you found yourself here.
Her choice in OM is terrible btw, not only is he dabbling with a married woman, he is also having others on the side as well. I can't see this ending well - he wasn't "into" her enough to be "exclusive" with her - he was already looking elsewhere. He sounds like a player. And yes, that whole exclusive thing is just revolting, given she is a married woman. Hello???
There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
I know it seems counterintuitive. She's checked out of the marriage, she blames you for all this, yet she's holding back what she feels are the worst details, the details that will paint her in a bad light. The thing is, subconsciously or consciously, she still wants you as a back-up. And, more than that, she still wants to look as good as possible in your eyes. If she tells you the worst, or what she feels you feel is the worst, she runs the risk of being rejected BY YOU, rather than being able to reject you herself.... and then come back if things don't work out with OM, or in single life.
Unfortunately I know of what I speak.
Before I joined here, on my first D-Day, my WH was not committed to our marriage. He said things like, "It was over when I did it," "I don't love you anymore," "I don't want to waste my time in this marriage." OUCH. He even went so far as to start planning who would take what possessions and asked me who should go to the courthouse to file for D!!!!
During ALL of that drama, while he was telling me I brought it all upon myself, while he was insisting that he didn't want to be with me, didn't love me.... He continued to insist he'd "only" cheated on me with one other woman.
Once we were in R and he felt confident in our marriage again, I found out that was only 25% true -- he cheated on me with three other women. Why wouldn't he tell me that on the initial D-Day, when he apparently despised me, didn't care about my feelings, didn't love me, was ready to leave, etc?
You're not dealing with logical circumstances, so logic does not apply.
All we know -- all of us, everyone here -- is that almost every single cheater minimizes the truth during the initial "D-Day." I can't think of anyone here who has not experienced a second confession.
[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 11:29 PM, May 17th (Friday)]
So instead of cursing her, I told her that I loved her, and that even this did not change my resolve to save our marriage.
Don't tell her that you love her. For one thing, gently, she isn't very lovable right now. But, mainly, this is trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Think about it, this attention-craving dysfunctional woman has not one - but TWO men vying for her "love". You and the bullshit-feeding affair guy. This actually makes her feel of more value and makes her feel justified in what she is doing.
She reaffirmed to me that she did not love me, and wanted a separation.
I got this bullshit too. All this is - is her giving herself a mental quickie-divorce as well as a mental permission-slip to start having sex with other men. Problem is, she isn't informing you of her new mentally single status as well as not giving you the same permission to have sex with other women. Gee, why not honey?
But whenever I hinted at my opinion of her lover, she rebuffed me, saying that I had no right to judge his character without knowing him.
Fuck. That. Shit.
I don't know you, her, or him - but I know for certainty that this man your wife is involved with is a worthless piece of shit. He's not worth a squirt of piss. He's doing something to you and your family that he would NEVER want anyone to do to him - and he knows it every moment he is doing it. He should do the world a favor and jump in front of a speeding train. Good-fucking-riddance. One less shitbag that doesn't care what his fucked up behavior does to the lives of little children.
What a strange situation to be in, but I had to acknowledge, painful though it was, that at the moment, she had a stronger emotional connection to him than she did to me, and that this reaction, though terrible and misguided, was natural.
Yes, of course, she HAS to delude herself into thinking it's the love of fucking legends in order to mask the reality that it is pure fucking shit. The shittier it is, the "stronger" the emotional connection. Trust me, your wife also knows very well that she is doing something to you that she would never, ever, under any circumstances want you to do to her. She has to bury that reality under a huge pile of delusional soulmate bullshit.
Listen, I know this is difficult to imagine doing right now but the best move you could make would be to IMMEDIATELY file for, and start following through with a divorce. It is the ONLY clear message that will get across. The only action she will not be able to rationalize away. It will send the clear message that you are not going to fuck around with this Jerry Springer bullshit. It sends the message that you value yourself more than her dysfunctional gamesmanship. It will also raise your value in her eyes yet simultaneously send the message that her value to you has plummeted - she will really not like that.
No one was more gone than my STBXWW. She thought her affair guy could walk on fucking water - up until I filed for divorce. Then, I got the call tearfully asking if we could reconcile and saying she was willing to do anything for a second chance.
Listen, I know this is difficult to imagine doing right now but the best move you could make would be to IMMEDIATELY file for, and start following through with a divorce. It is the ONLY clear message that will get across.
^^^^This - listen to it. I was in your exact situation a year ago, and I should have done this. Everyone told me to, I knew I should, but I tried to "nice" my WW back into our M. FAIL FAIL FAIL.
See a lawyer, in person, get a business card. Leave it on the counter at home. get the process started to protect yourself.
One more thing, put 100% of your mental energy into parenting. Your WW is in the fog and likely checked out from your DD as well. Your DD needs you to be there for her emotionally. Get sleep, eat well, exercise, and get into IC or find a good friend to confide in. Take control of this situation completely.
She has agreed that we will take a month in which we will do our absolute best to try and be good spouses to one another. If it goes encouragingly, we'll consider another month. I think there's a high probability it won't do any good, and even a high probability she's not even sincere about it, but it's a month that we would have to be living together anyway. What do I have to lose? Do I risk even more heartbreak at the end? Absolutely. Do I need to be preparing for divorce during that time? Definitely. But I don't think that I gain anything by serving divorce papers now as opposed to a month from now. I won't gain more peace of mind. I'll just wonder all the time whether I made a mistake. Whatever happens, I don't want to be the one to end it. And if in the end, she does divorce me, then it's all on her. She's the one who refused to work on the marriage. She's the one who cheated on me. She's the one who wouldn't forgive me and give me a second chance when I was willing to forgive and work on recovering from the worst betrayal imaginable. And I can walk away with as clean a conscience as is possible in a situation like this.
Somehow, I still love her, and what is love if not mercy and forgiveness, and redemption. What is love if not being willing to put yourself through hell for someone, even someone who doesnt deserve it?
I don't believe she has any interest in being married to me with an affair on the side. Her determination to get out of this marriage tells me that much, so if she does show any indication of wanting to reconcile, I'd be inclined to believe her.
As far as being able to trust her goes, that's another question entirely, but the truth is that I'm going to be dealing with trust issues one way or another. I never thought this could happen to me, and It's likely that I would carry that disillusionment with me into any future marriage. I don't think she was a dishonest or untrustworthy person from the beginning, and I'd be dealing with the fear that anyone else I married could turn out the same way no matter how promising the start. So somehow, I need to learn to trust again. If I can do that through trying to heal with my own wife, then I want to do that. If not, then I'll do my best on my own.
She has acknowledged that the affair was wrong, but this is not the same as an apology or repentance.
Why, then, are you offering her the gift of reconciliation? What has she done to earn it?
But I don't think that I gain anything by serving divorce papers now as opposed to a month from now.
You do. She is going to use this month to cake-eat, and you are sweetening the deal. She gets a sweet, repentant husband at home, trying desperately to win her back (and, tell me, who is the prize? is it her... or is it you? Think about this, please), and I am 100% sure she is still stringing OM along on the side, experiencing that carefree limerance love that appears in the early months of a new relationship... a relationship in which there is no morning breath, no mortgage talk, no arguments over socks that don't walk themselves to the hamper. To save the marriage, you must be willing to lose it.
Your old wife -- the wife you fell in love with, the wife who loved and respected you -- is gone. Look at the person you are dealing with now.. the person painting you as a monster while she stomps on your trust, the person manipulating you into taking all the blame when she's been having an affair. Do you really want to be with this person?
Please hear me: If you allow her to spit in your face (by having the affair and shifting nearly all blame onto your shoulders), and then YOU grovel to get HER back, she will NEVER respect you, and you will certainly lose the marriage -- maybe not now, but you will lose it, and probably to another man.
You bring up some good points. And if I need to be disabused of my illusions one by one, I suppose that's the way it might have to be. I'm not going to maintain this stance at all costs.
I should note though that I do not think that she is trying to cake-eat. She told me that she broke off the affair, and I believe her. Why? Because she told me that she broke it off to work on getting out of the marriage, not to stay in it. Doesn't seem like the lie someone would tell if she wanted to have both of us. No. I am fairly certain she wants to get out of our marriage as soon as possible so that she can have a "legitimate" relationship with this guy.
That doesn't exactly help my case, I know, but consider this:
The fact is that I had been trying for weeks to get her to agree to some sort of "trial period," maybe six months to a year (this is before I found out about the affair), and only just now did she agree to a month (which we all know is too short to really make progress), and only, it seemed, because we were stuck with each other for that long anyway. At no point in this process have I gotten the impression that she is just telling me what I want to hear, considering that she has conceded essentially no ground to me in this entire process (except for, at last, this one month). It's not hard to trust that someone is being honest when all they are giving you is bad news.
You say that to save the marriage, I have to be willing to lose it. I hate to admit it, but this is probably right. I also know that I'm just not there yet. God help me, I'm just not willing. I'm close, but I'm not there.
I do know that no matter what, I need to find a way to stand up for myself.
You are very well written, and convey a true sense of being traumatized, lied to, deceived, betrayed and emotionally abused by your WW.
Unfortunately, I can say that most all of us have "been there". And if it means anything, what you're going through is, sadly, 100% "normal". In fact, I felt incredibly reminiscent of my own story when I read yours.
That being said, I can say that if there was one thing I could have done differently when I was going through the pain and abuse from my WW's A, I would have tried to find resources (e.g., SI.com, books, etc.). I didn't know those existed for this particular subject matter, and for some reason, having little to no experience with affairs, I thought my situation was unique, for some screwed up reason. It wasn't until after my 5th DDay that I found SI.com and started reaching out for support.
So, comparatively speaking, you're off to a better start than I was, at least.
What I can say is that SI.com is full of MANY people who have "been there", as well as a wealth of incredibly helpful knowledge in the Healing Library. I strongly encourage you to read up on the 180 guide, and follow it as much as you realistically can. It may seem counter-intuitive to do so, but trust me, it will be your savior during these troubling times.
I want to echo what many have said in that there is absolutely NOTHING you did that resulted in your WW engaging in destructive A-like behavior. That is 100% on her, and hers to own the rest of her life. You ARE, however, equally responsible for any shortcomings or failings within your M, but I see that you've already acknowledged that, so that is good.
In addition, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to "convince" your WW to stop having an A, or to "choose you". After all, you truly are worth more than having to "convince" someone to be with you. And although you may not see it now, there are TONS of incredibly not-fucked-up women out there who would be thrilled and honored to be with you, and not betray you, backstab you, deceive you, or emotionally abuse you.
Folks who engage in such behaviors must dehumanize their victims in order to engage in and continue with such devastating behavior. It is a SICKNESS (just like, say, compulsive gambling, sex addition, etc.). There is no "cure" you can provide. If they want to get better, they have to not be "sick" anymore. And they get better only by being smashed over the head with a reality sledgehammer.
If you continue to try to have your WW "see the light", you will only be subjecting yourself to continued abuse and pain. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from her, start protecting your mind and body, and get your house in order so that you can think clearly and rationally. You see, this can be thought of like war. She is the enemy, in this case, and has a HUGE head start on you. She has forged an army, detached emotionally and physically from you, and has sought refuge with what sounds to be a degenerate OM. My WW did the same thing. She had a HUGE head start on me, and I had to scramble to catch up, which I was months behind on. She had built a web of lies, many of which involved dehumanizing me, and demonizing me to friends and family. All of which I had no idea about.
If you want to come out of this with your integrity, sense of self worth ,and overall, in a better place within yourself, you MUST stop blaming yourself for her A. You must pull yourself up by your bootstraps and accept that your WW put you and your family in grave danger, and that she is NOT the person you thought she was all these years. In her current state, she truly is your enemy, and is on track to destroying you and your family if you don't fight back and fight for what's right.
Giving her a month to "think about it" is absolutely asinine. She should have 24 hours, IMO, and that's being generous. You see, she is still calling the shots, and she no longer has that luxury. She is trying to control and manipulate her. She wants her cake and wants to eat it to. If I were you, I would give her an ultimatum. I would firmly draw a bottom line, instructing her that she must leave the house, as that is not a place for emotional abuse and betrayal of your family, as those behaviors simply will not be tolerated. Tell her that YOU will decide if you want to be with her again, but that she does need to leave until you've determined how you want to move forward. I would immediately contact an attorney and find out your options, of which there are MANY. WSs look VERY bad in the eyes of family court judges and juries, especially when the extent of their betrayal is as deep as you've described it. But man, seriously, take control here, and tell her she isn't welcomed there, and needs to leave. It is up to HER to figure out what she is going to do. She should have thought about this, and had a plan, prior to betraying you. Don't provide anything for her. After all, is she providing anything for you? No? Well, meet her equally and provide for her what she is providing for you. Let's see if her AP will let her move in with him (HAHA! That is HIGHLY unlikely to happen, or if it does, it'll last, say, 2 weeks?).
If she is going to wake up from her "fog", it's only going to be when you push her away. Otherwise, she is simply being a cake-eater. What incentive does she have to end the emotional abuse and trauma if she knows you're simply going to be sitting there waiting for her to "come around"? Again, it sounds irrational to people like us, but remember, you are dealing with a VERY ILL PERSON.
Lastly, do everything you can to collect evidence about her A. Screenshots from her computer, txt messages, etc. You may need this later! (Note: PM me for other tips and methods of investigating her. Sadly, I've learned a LOT of them, and had them taught to me, and don't want to give WSs any new material to strengthen their defenses by posting opening in SI.com, so again, PM, if interested in more of these things you can do).
Be strong, take care of yourself and your family. You've found a safe place. Keep on fighting!
This is coming from everyone who has been in the same pickle as you are. I thought I was different too, that I can fix my husband by myself. That there is some good inside him that still loves me. What a waste of time that was!
Now that I am finally starting to detach I feel free and now seeing the myriad of opportunities ahead of me. I can plan a future with my children and make new memories with them. My husband now sees me in a different light and the confusion on his face is highly amusing. He's now trying to nice me back to my former dutiful and grovelling self but wait.... he's still with the OW.
Please take heed and don't waste another month, not even a day on fixing your wife. As long as the OM is in the picture you can't. Quick and decisive action is what you need.
Good luck !
If you have not already done so, please consult an attorney.
Read up on the 180. It is found in the Healing Library under the FAQ for Betrayed Spouses.
If she really wants a separation, then do the following:
- Take half the money in any and all joint accounts and put in your name only.
- Continue paying for any joint obligations you have.
- Remove her from any credit cards she is a authorized user. Typically the card was opened up in your name and she was authorized to use the card.
- Freeze any accounts you have as joint. You don't want to fund her attorney or her affair
- Remove yourself from any accounts where you are the authorized user she opened up
- If she has any bills you are currently paying, stop. Cell phone for example.
- Discontinue any marriage counseling. You are just wasting money and it will serve no use until she is faced with the decision to attempt reconciliation.
- Keep all evidence in a safe location (your office, with your attorney, etc.).
- Consider purchasing a voice activated recorder. Keep it with you at all times you are talking with her. It may not be admissible in court, but it may help you in the case she gets backed into a corner and fabricates any lies against you.
Let her know you are serious. You will not put up with her behavior. This will let you feel like you have some control in the process. Might not be able to control the outcome, but it will give you strength.
Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Drink plenty of water. Spend quality time with your daughter and focus on her.
Me Tarzan
Her Jane
D-Day 4/14/08
I'm sorry you had to find us and for your situation but please heed the advice here.
The 180 is a mechanism for you, for helping you to detach and to focus on the here and now, and on yourself. Read and read again. Absorb and adopt it as your mantra. Follow it despite your pain and anguish. It will serve you well.
You cannot control her or anything she does, the situation or the outcome. You can only protect yourself. This is your priority.
Welcome to the club no-one wants to join. We are here for you.
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)
Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!
She started demonizing me before she began the affair (and again, some of her criticisms of me were legitimate). I know this because of the e-mails that I read. So she used her demonization of me and her general impression that her marriage was on the rocks to justify the affair, rather than demonizing me to justify it after the affair began (though I am sure that the two reinforced each other once the affair began). This is one of the reasons, I think, that her stance towards me hasn't changed. Since all of her problems with me came before the affair, she doesn't think that the fact that she had the affair really changes whether or not she should get out of our marriage. In fact, the fact that now we both know that wrongs have been done on both sides, it's all the more reason to get out, in her mind. She doesn't love me, and I shouldn't love her, so let's just quit. That's how she sees it.
[This message edited by dbellanon at 5:28 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]
How sure are you on the A timing. Usually the demonizing starts after the affair has started. The WS does this to justify their behavior to themselves after they have already stepped out.
Please heed the advice you are getting here. Their is an enormous amount of wisdom here. Most everyone has BTDT and are giving you the benefit of the things that in retrospect they now realize they did wrong. Sending you strength.
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger
Not sure it makes all that much of a difference. I'm sure that her opinion of me worsened once the affair began, even though it was pretty bad to begin with.
The fact is that she has badly bungled absolutely everything about this process, beginning with not telling me when she began to feel seriously unhappy in our marriage. There were months and months during which, if I had known this, we could have gone to counseling and begun to reconcile. But then she told me too late after she already made up her mind, and had already begun an affair with another man. That's what pisses me off so much about it, that there was a window of time when this could have been fixed. I don't believe that the world is divided into "cheaters" and "loyals." I think that everyone has a different capacity for infidelity, and some of them won't even know it until they're put in a situation where it's possible. I'm fairly certain my capacity is 0, especially now, since I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy, but I don't think that my wife is a 10, someone who was bound to get around to it sooner or later no matter what. This didn't have to happen, and some serious "preventative medicine" in our marriage probably could have deflected this outcome.
She sabotaged our chances first by keeping her dissatisfaction to herself (though she'd say that she's been trying to get through to me for years), and then sabotaged them further by cheating, and then sabotaged them further by lying about it, and trying to keep herself in the lovely moral glow of being the "wronged spouse." There is not a single thing that she has done right since this began. I'm not sure it matters if the chicken or the egg came first.
If it does come to divorce, I'm not anticipating a legal battle. She wants to separate amicably, and she was saying that even before I found out about the affair, so she's not just saying it because she knows that I could use the affair against her. Equal division of property and joint custody is what she has in mind, and I honestly don't have a good reason not to give it to her... at least I don't think. She's a good mother... Well, okay, I'm not so sure I'd go that far given the potential of this whole mess to harm her child, but I should say that I'm not afraid to share custody with her (although if OM becomes involved, I might change my mind. I do not want him involved in my child's life), and I know that it would be cruel to try to cut her out of our daughter's life.
She knows that I am a good father. That's the one thing about me that she hasn't criticized, and she knows that a legal battle would financially drain both of us and leave nothing for our daughter at all (Did I mention my wife is a graduate student? We don't have a lot of money). All this to say that I don't think I'll be fighting her in court. But I do need to find a lawyer nonetheless.
Anyone have advice about how to track down a good one?
Just Let Them Go
The end result?
The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
That is the end result.
The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
Nothing else works better or quicker.
Let them go.
Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
Wouldn't that be true love?
If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
But cheating, no excuses.
Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
Btw - welcome, sorry you're here - and the advice you've been given is spot on. I foresee that in the next 30 days you will experience such anguish and soul-crushing despair because of your wife's attitude that you will look back and ask why you didn't 180 her ass and take a hard line. But if it happens (I truly hope you come through with your self-esteem intact) but if it happens, we'll be here to help you through. We understand - most of us delayed the tough-love until we learned the hard way. We're here for you every step of the way.
Yep.... Run, Forest, RUN ! (I really like that advice.)
I'm not sure it matters if the chicken or the egg came first.
This is absolutely the case, dBellanon. The relevance of "when" your WW started unraveling is a moot point, although the stats say that it was right around the time of the start of the affair, despite what she may say. I see clarity coming to you already which is awesome. It's something that I wish I had much earlier in my situation.
I'm not willing to give up on loving her, and I'm not willing to give up on our marriage.
But I'm not going to be a doormat anymore.
I will give it the month, but only if she ends the affair PERMANENTLY. None of this "I'm breaking off the affair until I can get out of my marriage" crap. No contact. Accountability. These are the terms I am setting. And I had better see some goddamn remorse, some sort of indication that she can actually evaluate her actions clearly.
I've been afraid to set ultimatums because I have been afraid that she will take those ultimatums and run and then I will have lost her forever. And that's probably true. There's a strong likelihood that this will happen. But there's a strong likelihood that she will leave after the month is over anyway, and I won't have done her or myself any good by letting her walk all over me.
I will make sure she knows that whatever I do in the next month, I do because I love her and believe in our marriage, and not because I think I need to earn her love or approval. And if she reneges on the month, then so be it. So help me, I'm terrified of that outcome, but I just can't be in this position anymore.
What did she do to me? I feel like I'm finally waking up and realizing how badly my self esteem has been damaged.
Divorced 1/17/2013
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
The month-long trial is on. She seems willing to give it as much as she can, which at this point, is not so much emotional investment as it is just time. We've basically doubled our therapy schedule. It's not at all the right way to do it. We need more time, but she wants to move out on July 1st, and she's not budging.
As far as the affair goes, it did come out that "no sex," really just means "no penetration." I believe her on this, but at this point I don't think it matters. It's a pencil-thin distinction and it doesn't make it any less painful, or make we wish I could kick the asshole in the balls any less.
The worst part is that she's not really sorry for the affair. She can acknowledge that what she did was ethically wrong, but she doesn't feel remorseful about it. In her words, "It's hard to feel bad about something that made me feel good." The affair met needs of hers that she felt were not being met. It did something good for her, she thinks, even if it was wrong.
And of course, I can't make her feel sorry for it, even though she should. It's a bunch of narcissistic bullshit. There's a reason why the goodness of an action isn't determined by how it makes you feel, but rather by how it affects others. But she's so far from feeling empathy for me that I don't think it makes a difference.
I feel like I'm incredibly confused as to where I am. On the one hand, having a month of being all-in might, just might have a snowball's chance in hell of changing some small thing about the way she is feeling. And if there's a chance, it feels like it's worth it. On the other hand, it still feels like her underlying determination to end the marriage warrants a 180 on my part.
So do I go all-in and invest myself fully, or do I detach? Is it possible to do both?
At the same time, I don't want us to leave each other now and simply crystallize the images we have of each other. If we leave the marriage now, she will always be a cheater in my eyes, and I will always be the neglectful and emotionally abusive husband. We will never get to live down our reputations with one another because we never will have had the chance to be anything else to one another. But we will still have to face each other every week and be reminded of the things that ended our marriage.
So I suppose that since she's giving me a month to try to change her view of me, I suppose I'm giving her time as well, perhaps to come to a place of remorse, or something... I feel that if we leave now, I will never forgive her, and I'll have to live with this disgust that I feel over her betrayal forever.
I have a very hard time believing that the person I have gotten to know through reading your heartfelt words was ever emotionally abusive to his wife.
I think your wife may be twisting what happened in your marriage and making you feel responsible for her feelings because she is seriously f*cked up. You seem to be an approachable, introspective and understanding guy. Emotional abuse? That's what she is doing to you.
I will always be the neglectful and emotionally abusive husband
Whether this is true or not, it is NOT the reason she cheated. My H gave his excuse for cheating because I interrupted him when he was talking. So I hope you can wrap your head around the fact that the cheating is ALL on her.
Dude, please pull out the 180 and implement it like yesterday. Wishing you strength.
And yeah, I do feel abused in all of this, and I don't deserve it. But somehow, I'd like her to at least be able to see that I'm not the monster she has created in her own head, even if it's not enough for her to turn around.
Right after DDay for me, I went to the Dr. for anxiety. He did a lot of tests and one of the things he found was that my testosterone was extremely low. Please don't think I am suggesting you "man up" or anything, this is a common ailment. Well three weeks later I seem to have my old swagger back and I have a new energy and "badass' attitude I used to have when younger. This has helped me to look at things logically and to be confident in my decisions and desire to get out there and start a new life. Hope this helps!
One things for sure unless your wife realizes that you both bear responsibility for the state of your marriage and you are not the monster she has come to portray you as, there is no hope. Right now she is so arrogant, convinced you deserve every morsel of grief she has handed out. There is no possibility of reconciliation with this attitude and I agree with other posters, let her go; maybe she will come to her senses later, maybe not. Either way you may have moved on in the meantime; thats the risk your wife will have to take.
What you describe is very, very much like what I just spent the last year doing. I'm a betrayed wife who had a mirror-image of what you describe happen.
STBXH/Perv had already fully detatched himself from our 17 year marriage and 20 year relationship for quite a long while, but never told his wife. It was exactly as you describe, so that when he finally spoke of an MC he already knew he wanted to live with OW but wanted to pretend he was doing the "right" exit. He never spoke of wanting MC prior to knowing OW.
I worked myself sick to give chances and "fix" this awful list of supposed problems that only half-existed. He was mad about coffee, for one? but never, ever told me. Just held it all in and maybe had a list somewhere.
So I write this about my story to say that I can completely, absolutely relate to what you are trying to do. And I commend you for giving your M so much energy. But ...I hate to say but...it will really, seriously take its toll on you emotionally and physically if she isn't in it wholeheartedly, too. I'm sorry to say that, but it happened here and to one or two other couples we/I know.
I wish you tremendous luck and hope that what you want to happen will happen. I hope she's really let go of OM and not pulling your leg-that happened here many times, even while looking me right in the face.
I'm sorry to say that I did frown when I read about her and OM "Miscommunicating about being exclusive", because...she's married to you!!!
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
-George Washington
It's the most awful thing to live with...I did have the guts recently to remind him that he did it and not me. No reply came, lol.
Thank you for getting it...I'm starting to!
In her words, "It's hard to feel bad about something that made me feel good."
I wonder if she would agree with the assertion: "it's ok to hurt others, as long as your behavior makes you feel good" ? If yes, she needs some counseling, IMHO.
The problem with counselors is that it's not their job to pass moral judgment. Our couples' counselor very cautiously chose her words when she said something along the lines of, "I think you realize that this was not the most healthy way of..." or something like that. In my mind of course, I was thinking, "Yeah. Just like ripping out someone's tongue is an unhealthy way of dealing with anger." It's an understatement of monumental proportions. But of course, she was just being professional.
Others in her life expressed concern about the morality of what she was doing, and about whether it was a healthy thing for her, but to my knowledge, I don't think anyone ever brought up the hurt and trauma it would cause me. I'm not sure why. Maybe because they thought I wouldn't find out. Maybe because had been so demonized that it didn't seem like my feelings mattered. I don't know. But it is troubling.
I guess that wasn't very professional of her.... But it was good for me to hear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
XWH#1 was having an EA?PA with an 18yr old. He said I couldn't tell him who he could be friends with. That is the day I walked away from my 20+yr marriage that had been filled with affairs and abuse. OW left him right after I filed for D. By that time I no longer wanted him back in my life. I had spent weeks detaching from the marriage. The reason I say this is sometimes you have to let them go. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. When I told WH#2 after DDay#2 that I was through, he could have her, I wished him much happiness in his new relationship. He looked scared as hell and said he didn't want OW, he wanted me. As I told him I am not an option that you can just want one day and not want the next. Leave me in peace if you don't want to commit to our marriage. If you think she will make you happy, then leave and be with her. He is still here and is now starting to try R.
It is true sometimes you have to let them go in order to keep them. My two marriages turned out totally different, so there is no guarantees either way. You have to get to a place in your own mind that you deserve to be loved and if she doesn't want to be the one to do that then you are better off without her. You are no ones second choice and you are not a floor mat. Don't let her treat you like one, EVER!!!
In short. It's over.
The long and the short of it is that I finally realized what I should have realized a long time ago, that there really was nothing I could say or do that would change her mind. She had made it up long before we ever got to the table.
I probably should have pulled a 180 a long time ago, but that is the benefit of hindsight. I don't know that there was any way I could have reached the point I have reached now without feeling like I tried everything. I'm not so sure that I'm ready to give up, but I know that I have to let her go.
It's horrible and heartbreaking, and I hate that she's forcing us to break up our daughter's home, but I've been sick too long with unjustified hope, and I need to start grieving, and start healing.
I'm not sure how long we'll be living together. It might be until July 1st, but my wife has been having trouble finding apartments, so it might be longer. It could potentially be all summer. I suppose in theory there are a lot of things that could happen between now and then, but the most likely is that we both just become more comfortable with the idea of divorce. I know that I can't see this time as a chance for change because I will just make myself sick again with hope, and then I won't be ready to move on when the time comes.
We are continuing to see our couple's therapist. It is frustrating because our therapy sessions are usually productive. They gave me hope that we could work this out, but now... we might be able to come to a better understanding of each other, but I am 99% certain that nothing is going to change her mind now. This is what she wants.
I'm not sure how I'm coping at the moment. It's the same horrible pain most of the time, but a part of me feels like the burden has lifted somewhat. There is a strange liberation in giving up. Still, there are triggers everywhere, and the slightest reminder, the slightest memory can send me into a spiral. I think that I'm going to be very fragile for a long time.


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emmy observations
I liked the personal tributes but not immediately after I recovered from the previous one. I'm emotionally exhausted from the ups and downs.
I had to remind myself that Paul and Ringo are actually still alive. Carrie singing was pointless.
More Bob Newhart.
Less gum.
I am team Kerry Washington. Claire Danes just… Kills me.
It just occurred to me that the theme had to be history of television. That was poorly executed.
Tooooooooo many dance numbers.
Jim Parsons over Jason Bateman, Alec Baldwin, Don Cheadle and LeBlanc? REALLY!?
I think Matt Damon should have won.
Thank you Stephen Colbert. My new goal in life is to be described as "cruel and sexy." (This is no joke).
Kevin Spacey. 'Nuf said
Producers of the Emmys, please note the following, these are important:
The middle of the show random song was fun and a great time for celebs to take a mass, untelevised smoke break but don't do an opening skit, a random dance number and then an interpretive dance/reality show/nominee challenge for presenting Best Choreography. Pick one.
Side note, to help you decide on the above - can we PUH-LEEEZ have the guest actor awards aired instead of Best Choreography? Seriously.
If your theme is television history from 50 years ago - maybe do a montage. I realize that the top 3 televised events were JFK's assasination, the March on Washington and the inception of Beatlemania but find the joy. I think that's what the Beatlemania thing was all about but then you have Carrie Underwood perform, "Yesterday." Who is running this show? TV is about escaping the same reality you're informing us about.
Loved the Ryan Seacrest dig. And thank you for not airing him.
Let Will Farrell present Best Comedy in shorts but not Best Drama. Bad call.
More with the kid with the woobie.
Couldn't you have found a better pic of Eileen Brennan. I was a little frightened.
Emmy's - you were like life in a lot of ways. So maybe you were trying to make some gigantic, existential statement about how unpredictable (some of the winners) life is and how you have to roll with all of the ups and the downs (eulogies and such) but…I don't really think you were trying to be a subconscious commentary on humanity.
In the end, I still love you but this was like food poisoning during a hot date.


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It's been a while! Busy busy busy! Will try to post more but in the meantime here is a recent digital doodle I did while watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Scene below:
Be back soon!
This one hurt. But see you next season – the "Quest for Six" continues.
PS – Week 4 is on hold until I can figure out how to embed Vine Videos (I made a bunch, I promise! Follow me, I'm @jsos on Vine)
Oh hey, a superbowl!
This week continues in the theme of 49ers and the "Quest for Six" with an illustration of "Sir Kaepernick" – Hope you like it! Let me know if you want a print! Pen and ink – colored digitally.
It reminds me of this show, remember?


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Porn is a touchy topic, especially among feminists. Whether or not porn is okay to consume has long been a major source of debate. Fortunately, with the new genre of feminist/ethical porn making a big difference in the world of adult entertainment, many of the reasons the industry had a bad reputation are being tackled.
What is sometimes problematic about porn? Well, unfortunately a lot of things. The porn industry frequently utilizes stereotypes, uses coercion, creates unrealistic expectations, doesn't practice safer sex on screen, is misogynistic, and a host of other issues. That doesn't mean that watching porn is bad, it just means that it is yet another thing that can be very problematic. Like any other thing we consume, it is important to be critical of the mechanisms it employs and the impact it can have on our lives and our culture, but that doesn't mean watching it or enjoying it makes you a bad person.
The availability of feminist/ethically produced porn is then another way to enjoy porn, this time without a lot of these issues that typically accompanies it. When something is accepted as feminist porn, most of the time we accept it as not only feminist but also ethically made. This may mean we see more diversity in directors, actors choosing what acts and actors they would like to make scenes with and with their pleasure in mind, more realistic depictions of sex (acts, bodies, etc), safer sex, and most importantly negotiation and consent, consent, consent.
By providing access to these new kinds of porn, we are also starting to see that a lot of good can result from these texts. You heard me right: Porn can do good. It can be used to safely explore fantasies, empower, help dismiss shame associated with certain acts, and even facilitate communication with sexual partners about wants and desires. By exploring these things through an ethically made/feminist version of porn, this good is amplified as the problematic aspects of previous texts fall away.
So what is a porn-loving or even a porn-interested person to do? Sorting through the masses of content out there can be very intimidating and finding something ethically made can feel like finding a needle in a haystack. If you can't find something feminist/ethically made and you watch whatever porn is available to you, that doesn't make you a bad person either. As previously stated, it is important to be critical of the mechanisms porn employs and the impact it can have on our lives and our culture when watching it. However, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. As a general practice, employing this criticism of all media you consume is a good idea and porn is no different.
If you are devoted to finding some quality ethical porn, there are a couple of places you can look. First, try the resources listed below for further reading. The Feminist Porn Awards (winners and nominations) in particular provide a fantastic way to check out titles that you can be sure were produced with these standards in mind. Many of these resources also call upon well-known pornographers who make these feminist films as sources. Doing a little research before watching is all that it takes, and it can make a big difference. Lets hope that with more people demanding these standards within the industry we continue to see a turn to them.
For further reading, try the following:
I'm so very torn about this because I've read a lot that states that pretty much everything feminist porn tries to...
for reference!


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Support Groups
Here is a listing of support groups in your area. We encourage you to attend these local programs. If there is not a group in your area, or if the groups listed are not at a convenient time, try our online support education group! Our online support group is a four-week program with weekly chat sessions that cover specific IBD-related topics and allows participants to share their views.
CCFA Support Group: Anchorage, AK
Anchorage, AK
Meets: Currently not meeting
CCFA Support Group: Ashland, KY
2201 Lexington Avenue
Ashland, KY 41101
This location is close to Huntington, WV
646 - 623- 2620
Meets: Second Tuesay of every other month (even months)
CCFA Support Group: Ashland, KY
2201 Lexington Ave
Ashland, KY 41101
King's Daughter Medical Center
Meets: second Tuesday, 6:00-7:30 PM, Every other month (even months)
CCFA Support Group: Ashland, KY
2201 Lexington Avenue
Ashland, KY 41101
2201 Lexington Ave Ashland, KY 41101 King's Daughter Medical Center (646) 623-2620 firstname.lastname@example.com Meets: second Tuesday, 6:00-7:30 PM, Every other month (even months), 6:00-7:30 PM
Meets: Tuesday, Every other month (even months)
CCFA Support Group: Austin, TX
11113 Research Boulevard, Austin, TX 78759, USA
Austin, TX 78759
Austin Support Group is held at the Seton NW Hospital, 3rd Floor Conference Room A
(713) 572.2232
Meets: 2nd Monday , Monthly
CCFA Support Group: Bay Village, OH
502 Cahoon Rd
Bay Village, OH 44140
Bay Village Public Library
Meets: Third Thursday, Monthly. Please note the day of the week has changed.
CCFA Support Group: Birmingham, AL
1090 Montgomery Highway South, Birmingham, AL 35216, USA
Birmingham, AL 35216
Meets: Thursday, Bi-Monthly
CCFA Support Group: Boca Raton, FL
800 Meadows Road
Boca Raton, FL 33486
Boca Raton Regional Hospital
Meets: Tuesday, Monthly
CCFA Support Group: Boston, MA
55 Fruit Street
Boston, MA 02114
Mass General Hospital.Peer Support for people of any stage of IBD: parents and friends welcome. Location: Yawkey Bldg, Room 4-4810.
Meets: Wednesday, 2nd Wednesday
CCFA Support Group: Boulder and Lafayette, CO
1755 48th Street, Boulder, CO 80301, USA
Boulder, CO 80301
The Nancy Frew Memorial Support Group has changed its meeting location! The group has partnered with Gastroenterology of the Rockies and will switch off meeting at their offices in Boulder and Lafayette.
Meets: Tuesday, Feb, Apr, Jun, Aug, Oct, Dec
CCFA Support Group: Brick, NJ
425 Jack Martin Boulevard, Brick, NJ 08724, USA
Brick, NJ 08724
Ocean Medical Center
Meets: Tuesday, Second Tuesday of every month
CCFA Support Group: CA, Los Angeles County, Burbank
191 S Buena Vista St
Burbank, CA 91505
Burbank Medical Plaza
Facilitator: Douglas Yakich (818) 516.9847
Meets: 2nd Wednesday of the month 6:30 - 8:30 p.m., Monthly
CCFA Support Group: CA, Los Angeles County, Glendora
401 West Ada Avenue, Glendora, CA 91741, USA
Glendora, CA 91741
Foothill Nursing Center
Facilitator: Gwen Hards, (626) 335.6100
Meets: 3rd Thursday of the month, 6:00 - 7:30 p.m., Monthly - No meeting July 2014
CCFA Support Group: CA, Los Angeles County, Los Angeles
757 Westwood Plaza, University of California, Los Angeles, Los Angeles, CA 90024, USA
Los Angeles, CA 90024
Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center
This is a J-Pouch Group
Dr. Jonathan Sack, Colorectal Surgeon (UCLA) serves as the medical advisor.
Facilitator: Lou Stratten
Meets: 2nd Saturday (Room B124 RRUMC), Quarterly in February, May, August, and November
CCFA Support Group: CA, Los Angeles County, Los Angeles
Los Angeles, CA 90095
This is an undergrad and grad student group only.
Facilitators: Cynthia White and Camille Totah
email@example.com & firstname.lastname@example.com
Meets: Periodically
CCFA Support Group: CA, Los Angeles County, Los Angeles
10350 Santa Monica Boulevard #120, Los Angeles, CA 90025, USA
Los Angeles, CA 90025
Parking: Free parking is available in the CCFA Office building's parking garage, which is accessed off of Benecia Ave, the side street West of the building (gate and lift arm will only be open for free parking between 5:35 and 6:00 p.m.) Google maps link is:
Metered parking available in front of building.
Facilitator: Tillie Huber, R.N. (800) 677.5252
Meets: 3rd Monday of the month 6:00-8:00 p.m., monthly
CCFA Support Group: CA, Los Angeles County, Redondo Beach
514 North Prospect Avenue, Redondo Beach, CA 90277, USA
Redondo Beach, CA 90277
Beach Cities Health District
2 Experts answering your questions about Employment Issues from Crohn's and UC at August 14th Meeting
There will not be any guest speakers in September or October.
Facilitator: Gary Hirschhorn (310) 839.4981 or email@example.com and co-facilitator: Janet Jones (310) 872.9686
Meets: 2nd Thursday of the month, 7:00 - 8:30 p.m. , Monthly
CCFA Support Group: CA, Los Angeles County, Tarzana
18321 Clark Street
Tarzana, CA 91356
Tarzana Hospital - North Conference Room
Tarzana Parent Support Group: "IBD and Our Kids"
Note: Support group is on hiatus
Facilitators: Anne House email@example.com and Negeen Papehn, email@example.com
Meets: Support group is on hiatus
CCFA Support Group: CA, Los Angeles County, Tarzana
18700 Burbank Boulevard, Tarzana, CA 91356, USA
Los Angeles, CA 91356
The Gardens of Tarzana
The meeting will be held in the Internet Cafe room on the 2nd floor.
Thursday, September 4th, Dr. Panesar will be a special guest speaker. She is a Gastroenterologist with Kaiser Permanente and the topic is still TBD.
Facilitators: Marie Nilsson & Sue Bagott
email@example.com & firstname.lastname@example.com
Meets: 1st Thursday of the month 7:00 - 9:00 p.m., Monthly
CCFA Support Group: CA, Orange County, Laguna Hills
24451 Health Center Drive, Laguna Hills, CA 92653, USA
Laguna Hills, CA 92653
Saddleback Women's Hospital
at Saddleback Memorial Medical Center
Conference Room 2 & 3
Facilitator: Philip Hering (949)547.7455, and Alexandra Hering, firstname.lastname@example.com
Meets: 2nd Thursday of the month, 7:00 - 9:00 p.m., Monthly
CCFA Support Group: CA, Orange County, Los Alamitos
3751 Katella Avenue
Los Alamitos, CA 90720
Los Alamitos Medical Center
Second Floor Conference Room
Facilitator: Darrin Pagenkopp, MsEd (714) 280.6377
Meets: Last Monday of the month 6:00 - 8:00 p.m., Monthly
CCFA Support Group: CA, Orange County, Newport Beach
567 San Nicolas Drive #360
Newport Beach, CA 92660
This is a Parent Network Group
This group is currently on hiatus.
Facilitators: Pamela George, (714) 323-5035, firstname.lastname@example.com, and Matt Bays, email@example.com
CCFA Support Group: CA, Orange County, Orange
101 The City Drive South, Orange, CA 92868, USA
Orange, CA 92868
Neuropsychiatric Center
Building 3
Facilitator: Courtney Froehly Sparkuhl 714-456-7057
Meets: 1st Wednesday of the month, 6:30 - 8:30 p.m., Monthly
CCFA Support Group: CA, Orange County, Orange
1000 West La Veta Avenue
Orange, CA 92868
The Center for Cancer Prevention and Treatment at St. Joseph Hospital
This is a J-Pouch Group
Facilitator: Kathleen Close, R.N., Nurse Navigator (714) 734.6235
Meets: 3rd Saturday 10:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., Quarterly in January, April, July, and October
CCFA Support Group: CA, Santa Barbara County, Santa Barbara
2559 Puesta Del Sol
Santa Barbara, CA 93105
This support group is on hiatus.
Contact Lindsay Brown, CCFA Regional Education and Support Manager - CA for more information
Meets: Meetings are cancelled until futher notice.
CCFA Support Group: CA, Ventura County, Westlake Village
150 Via Merida
Westlake Village, CA 91362
Los Robles Medical Center - East Campus
Rehabilitation Center - 1st Floor Conference Room
Facilitator: Lisa M. (805) 444.7977
Meets: Last Tuesday of the month, 7:00-9:00 p.m., Monthly.
CCFA Support Group: Central Denver, CO
2045 Franklin St
Denver, CO 80205
Meets 6:00 to 8:00 pm on the 1st Tuesday in January, March, May, July, September, and November. Kaiser Permanente, Franklin Building, 5th floor - GI Waiting Room Area. Attending provider: Mary Austin, Nurse Practitioner. Group Leader: "Bean" Nance.
Meets: 1st Tuesday, Jan, Mar, May, Jul, Sep, Nov
CCFA Support Group: Charleston, SC
67 President St
Charleston, SC 29425
Meets: Check with Group Facilitator, Every Other Month
CCFA Support Group: Charlotte, NC
3016 Providence Road
Charlotte, NC 28211
704-264-0587 ext. 1
Meets: Third Tuesday, Monthly
CCFA Support Group: Charlottesville, VA
Charlottesville, VA


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Three year PhD Studentship made available for researching Polymer/Hybrid Solar Cells in our group.
(deadline 02/09/2014).
Further details here »
The Centre for Hybrid and Organic Solar Energy (CHOSE) of the University of Rome "Tor Vergata", was created on December 2006 from a collaboration between the Lazio Region of Italy and the University of Rome "Tor Vergata" sharing the considerable intention to realize a Centre of Excellence for the research and development of a new generation solar cells based on organic and organic-inorganic hybrid technologies.
This is part of a larger strategy within the Lazio Region of Italy in which other centers (on Sustainable Mobility and on Hydrogen) have been funded to promote research and development in applied research and technology with industrial potential in the green energy sector.
CHOSE involves several research groups of the Tor Vergata University from Electrical/Industrial Engineering to Chemistry and Physics and has collaboration agreements with several other Universities and research centers in Italy, in Europe and in the rest of the world.
The main objectives of the center are:
The special issue on "Thin-Film Photovoltaics 2014" (TFPV 2014) aims to be a worthy prosecution of the TFPV series, published in the years 2010, 2012 and 2013. Following the structure of the previous special issues, TFPV 2014 is seeking contributions from scientists, specialists in field.
The purpose of TFPV 2014 will be to bring additional knowledge and update, addressing the immense challenges remaining in understanding and overcoming the key scientific issues in the conversion of solar energy into electricity, a fundamental step to fulfill the potential for applications. Technological aspects in the development of large area devices, urgently needed in response to the economic crisis of recent years, will also be covered in the special issue.
Topics of interest for TFPV 2014, but not limited to, are:
CHOSE organizza in collaborazione con l'Università degli Studi di Roma Tor Vergata e l'associazione FREEnergy un Master di II livello in "Ingegneria del Fotovoltaico" .
We fabricated the first perovskite-based monolithic series-type module showing very promising results in terms of the power conversion efficiency, the reproducibility of the fabrication process and long-term stability.
We fabricated perovskite based solar cells using CH3NH3PbI3-xClx with different hole transporting materials such as Spiro-OMeTAD and P3HT.
We fabricated the first solid state dye solar cell (SDSC) module using poly(3-hexilthiophene) (P3HT) as Hole Transport Material for the dye regeneration process.
Fully sprayed polymer solar cell modules open the way to bring Photovoltaics nominally everywhere, thanks to spray coating conformability to virtually any kind of substrate.
We have demonstrated the feasibility of the fabrication of a photovoltaic greenhouse roof by using techniques based on solution processing (spray coating and screen printing).