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Friday, July 11, 2014
a reminder
Despite my mother's efforts to convince me that "all things in moderation" is a suitable life motto, I'm extreme. I've been known to go whole decades without eating carbohydrates. I abstain or drink a whole bottle of wine. I sit on my ass or work out for nine hours a week. I gave birth to SEVEN children. It's who I am.
I used to post daily updates on Facebook. I tried to stick with uplifting quotes, my own or culled from the internet, that would inspire others to live their best life now and all that jazz. Mostly I was trying to keep myself steady, to prevent the inevitable drifting to darkness common to girls like me (i.e. extreme writers who drink, eat and starve too much.) Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Apparently, based on feedback I've received while waiting in line in the grocery store, others out there find me inspiring. "I love your posts! Your family is so great!" Yay! I suppose that's something.
Meanwhile I'm left here to be extreme all by myself. When I don't feel up to writing something that would look great on a cat poster (nod to The Lego Movie here) I say nothing. But today I'm feeling edgy and I'm just going to spill it. Doesn't life just suck sometimes? I mean, really, really suck?
I am absolutely fully aware that I am blessed, people. I have a great husband and unbelievably amazing children and grandchildren. I have a cute little dog and an orange cat. I have a job that sounds really good on paper, and several friends who would pretty much do anything for me. But life is still so hard sometimes, and God is silent.
I wonder if God is like me: extreme. Is He an "all or nothing" Guy? Does he show up with plagues and floods and resurrections, but stay quiet on any given Tuesday, when we're wondering how the hell we will make it to the next payday with a quarter tank of gas and a negative bank account balance?
Seriously, God. I mean, I know you love me, and I am really grateful for the gifts you've given me. But if you want these kids to go to Catholic school, and eat every single day, I need cash. I need my husband to sell some freaking windows. I need a break, for crying out loud.
Sometimes my older kids talk about "when we were rich," which Aaron and I laugh about and refer to as "when we had lots of credit." It's true that to them, we seemed rich. We went out to dinner and took a couple vacations. We paid for (portions of) three weddings. We had nice cars and they never knew about what it all cost. Then the job losses came, then the under-employment, the car repos, the bankruptcy, the mom working and starting a business and saying EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT. I'm saying it over and over now, like a mantra, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT and it is and it isn't. We have enough to eat and a roof over our heads and the children are healthy. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
Then I sit down and do something extreme, and write a crazy blog post like this one that I just might share on the internet, and I feel ridiculous. It is difficult to be extreme, even though it is genuine and what I arrive at naturally. It is hard to be very quiet and very loud; to be oh so positive or so painfully negative. I do wish I could find that moderation that some embrace.
Meanwhile back in crazy Cathyland, I'm extremely hopeful, desperate, grateful and needy. As a person of faith I know that my feelings are not where it's at. I can feel scared and alone and more than a bit concerned about lots of things, and that doesn't mean I give up. It means, once again, that I drag myself up from this dark place and look directly into the sun. It means that I go outside and clean the garage, and do a load of laundry, and enjoy this beautiful day, thankful that I am on vacation this week from a job that gives me a paid vacation. It means I stop wondering how it's all going to turn out, and just breathe.
Yesterday I went to the zoo. We went to the butterfly house, and of course I thought of Celeste right away. Gigi and I were looking up at all the butterflies, and she put out her chubby little finger and said "here, butterfly!" A small group gathered around us, excitedly pointing out that one was on my shoulder. It looked ordinary on the outside - brown, camouflaged with spots that looked like eyes. The exterior was dull, but then it opened its wings. The interior was extreme: a glorious celestial blue.
I don't know why that seems important, but it is. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 11:46 AM 2 comments
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
in memoriam
I suppose that is the way death comes too. Even though we know its arrival is inevitable, for each and every one of us, we are surprised when it shows up.
In my dad's case, death didn't arrive in the night. It arrived on the first Sunday of spring, in the early afternoon. Most likely they had just completed the opening hymn at our parish church, where Dad had worshiped for over 50 years.
When Dad died I was not at his side, as I imagined I would be. Rather, I was shopping at my favorite department store, trying on items that would be suitable for his funeral. I cried bitter tears after receiving my brother's call. I was overcome with guilt. What kind of person was shopping for a blazer, black with small white polka dots, while her father died?
I got over it rather quickly. Not his death, but the fact that I wasn't there. I got my vanity from Dad, who would approve the blazer and the fact that I wanted to look pretty for his wake. We were like that, the pair of us. We strove to look good - to be attractive - when it didn't really matter to anyone but us. It doesn't really make sense, and I imagine is not the "godly" way to look at life. But it comforted him to dress in a suit and tie every Sunday, and to be slim and tan. I like those things too, and for today I am embracing that fact. I won't be ashamed of the inheritance he left me.
I used to hate him. When I was a teenager, I could not understand what made him so stubborn and angry. He drank too much. We fought. I argued, which was not seen as a positive trait, although I actually entertained the idea of studying to become a trial lawyer, as my skills seemed to be perfected in those days. He said I would argue with the Good Lord. I said that of course I would. But only if He was wrong.
Many saw Dad in only his later years. They imagined that he was faithful, devout, and loving. That he had a great sense of humor, loved people, and would always flirt with the prettiest girl in the room.
They were right.
My brother and I, and my mom, we know there is more to Dad than that. He was human. He had faults and failings. But as each day passed in recent years, that became a blessing to me, not a curse. I was reminded that each of us, parent or child, is imperfect. We expect much of one another and are disappointed. I forgave my father for his imperfections, and the way he may have hurt me. Because truly, even in our worst moments, I never doubted his love.
He did not say "I love you" to me until I was 40 years old. He spoke those words to me over the phone, the morning after my 7th child was born. When she died four months later, I knew this was one of the gifts she had given me. Dad continued to say those words, inspired I think by an episode of Oprah or The View. It made me smile every time.
For the past year or so he was very different. The dementia took something from him and did not give it back. We didn't know it at the time, but a tumor was also growing above his heart. I imagine that the tumor was actually a special gift the Lord had given him. As it took his breath and stopped his heart, without our even realizing it, it was likely part of his path to redemption. I'm convinced the Lord allowed him to suffer it in secret. But I'm sure his sufferings were united with Christ's, and that fills me with joy.
On the day of Dad's funeral, we took a long drive to the cemetary. My brother reflected that he would have enjoyed it. He traveled there in a Cadillac - the brand he had spent 30 years assembling. We took a meandering path through Dearborn, where he had first lived when he came to Michigan. Some of the roads were rustic and natural, and even hilly, like his birthplace in Pennsylvania.
At the cemetary, beautiful and spacious and well-kept, as we neared the mausoleum, where soldiers awaited him with Taps and flag, two deer crossed the road. They were does, perhaps carrying fawns who would soon arrive to herald the season of renewal. Dad used to hunt deer, but he told us he never shot a fawn or a doe. The first sprinted across the road, and I imagined my father in heaven, running, breathing sweet air deep into his clear, strong lungs. The second deer crossed too. As the hearse crossed the road, the graceful animal turned to look back. She froze and gazed at the vehicle, not moving until Dad had passed. It was a like a benediction; a sacred, sweet moment.
Now we are left to remember, grieve, and celebrate. It's the odd mix that we Christians face. I'm inexplicably exhausted, and strange things attract me, inspire me, and drain me. I'm surprised at how odd I feel. Surprised at how my father's death made me think about life, and how each of us approaches it.
Flannery O'Connor said "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." I understand that. We writers "operate at a peculiar crossroads where time and place and eternity somehow meet. (Our) problem is to find that location."
That is why I'm here today, in my Field of Blue Children, where I feel safe. I need to begin to process what I am experiencing, and to know what I think.
I think I have a few regrets. I should have made more time to be with him. I should have forgiven him sooner. I should learn to forgive myself.
I think that I am strong and good and faithful, and I will not apologize for that. I trust fully in God. That is a great grace, not a character flaw, even if some view it that way. Trust in God does not make one naive. It makes one wise.
I rejoice, fully, that I was given an imperfect father who modeled generosity and loyalty. I rejoice that he struggled with many faults and was able to remain faithful in the ways that matter most.
A month or so ago, my brother (whose heart is great and faith is even stronger) told me that he was at peace, because one day, in a lucid moment, Dad had told him he was afraid he wouldn't go to heaven.
That tells me two things.
My Father was humble, and he believed in heaven.
If I learned nothing else from him, I will treasure those lessons forever.
I love you, Daddy. I will always be your buddy.
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 8:23 PM 2 comments
Friday, March 7, 2014
choose hope
For me, the chill came early, in the autumn, when my husband lost his job. The loss, which was the second of this type in as many years, chilled me. The cold descended then, and endured, even when he quickly found employment elsewhere. Things were different; I was tired, and scared. And cold.
Just before Thanksgiving, as the November days grew short, and we were robbed of daylight, days got darker and colder still. Dad fell and ended up in a nursing home. Mom was scared too, and none of us knew quite what to do about it all. Some of us coped by hibernating and avoiding; others showed signs of stress in our bodies, our skin and bones crying out for healing.
January brought ice beyond my imagining. It was the coldest, snowiest winter of my life. Of course I was not alone in this, but sometimes the company gained in misery isn't enough to inoculate us from the sadness that we want to indulge in solo.
Daily work was simply too much. Isn't it all too much? Even the things that I should have been able to cope with and understand were just too much to bear. I was trying so hard, too hard, to warm myself. In the process I grew even colder. Why do we hide ourselves and try to stoke the fire single-handedly, while others stand by ready to toss a match our way? We have to take off our gloves long enough to accept the gift. Even if it makes us colder for a moment while we take the risk.
This morning, it was still cold. But birds, inexplicably, sang. They know, because they don't think; they feel and intuit and trust. Spring will come. Warmth will return.
Today, I choose hope. I take off the gloves and ask for help. Each day, I say three Hail Marys, and give three things, at least, over to My Mama and her Son. I trust them, even when - no, especially when - I am afraid. All of my needs will be provided for, and I am loved. I will say this as many times as necessary each day to remind myself what is true.
And in the tiniest way, I will grow warm. The spark seems insignificant, but that is hardly the case. A roaring fire comes from a tiny ember.
Warm days will return, and soon I will shake off the things I cling to that do not warm me, but only keep me bound.
Because today, I choose hope.
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 6:00 PM 1 comments
Sunday, January 26, 2014
happy birthday, Dad
It always made me smile, because he told the story as if he remembered it happening, not as if he was the baby they were waiting for.
Tomorrow Dad will be 93, and I don't think he'll tell the story this year (although I could be wrong. Dementia is funny like that; it gives and takes as it pleases.)
Dad has been at the Heartland Health Care center since late November. Maybe it's not politically correct, but I call it a nursing home. When he fell just before Thanksgiving, he ended up with a hospital visit, and when he was discharged it was not to his home but to this place.
Now he is in the hospital. Last week he had a feeding tube placed, as he was having trouble swallowing and had dropped nearly 30 pounds in a brief amount of time. He tolerated the procedure well, but he had some fluid in his lungs. He is recovering from that, really bouncing back now that he is receiving good nutrition, and if all goes well, he will be back to the nursing home - and then maybe "real" home - within the next few weeks.
The nurses post a care plan in his room that includes his personal goal for the day. Dad's says he wants to stay warm and be with his family. I think we are all on the same page here in Southeast Michigan these days.
Watching a parent age is a bit like watching a child grow up, but in reverse. They both change and become farther away from you; children needing you less, parents more. I've been asked if it's hard to see my dad, once strong and able, become feeble, needy, and childlike. There are moments of sadness and even grief, but in fact, it feels more like progression than decay. I see him being more and more himself, which is often challenging and sometimes a joy. I see him becoming smaller, a physical shadow of himself as a young man, but showing strength and the spoils of a spiritual life. He may not know if it is day or night, or recall who came to visit yesterday. But when he is suffering he prays, out loud, the same prayers I watched him kneel and pray at his bedside each night. He is old and frail, but he is no less my father, and his life has no less value.
There is no way, or course, to know if Dad will celebrate any more birthdays. When I reminded him last week that his birthday was coming soon, I asked him if he knew how old he was going to be. "One hundred!" he quickly replied. When I told him he was old, but not quite that old, he looked me in the eye. "I'll be 93." I was surprised. He doesn't always know. But then again, I have trouble remembering my own age sometimes.
Dad used to say that he wanted to have brunch at the Dearborn Inn on his 100th birthday. Even if he lives that long, he won't be eating brunch, and I admit that makes me sad. I will take this lesson to heart: don't wait for 100 years to do the things you love. And say your prayers every day, when you are young - they may someday comfort you and those you love like nothing else.
We celebrated well last year. Here is a photo from that day. My brother and I clearly got some or our good looks from Dad! ;)
Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you!
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 4:39 PM 2 comments
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
sign me up
Recently I decided to be more open to what God might have in store for me. I wasn't foolish enough to ask for "signs," but I definitely put it out there that I needed more than vague insinuations. Sometimes I feel like God is little too much like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. "I'd go that way if I were you!" He says, then points in another direction when we're not looking.
This morning I received my monthly edition of The Catholic Journalist. I receive it because currently that is what I am, and it comes free with my membership in the Catholic Press Association. I flipped through casually, forgetting my recent plea to the Lord that He use everything I see to push me in the general direction of His will for my life.
The center spread was eye-catching. It featured a prominent box with the words "Column Logos"; beneath it I spotted a profound, telling, significant icon. A TYPO! A typo in my professional journal! It made me giddy; a sign of imperfection, proof that other actual human beings produced it and lived to tell.
I got up to share it with a coworker, laughing about the fact that though we worked hard to be professional (a.k.a. perfect) there were always errors. I strive to avoid errors, but I'm also of the stripe that recognizes them to be forgivable signs of a common humanity.
As I pointed out the mistake, my eye was drawn to the center of the page. There, in full color, was a picture of me.
This is not a symbolic statement, guys. I mean, it was my real, actual face!
The spread featured ways Catholic media outlets identify their opinion columns, and the header from my page in the magazine I edit was included. OMG is this a sign from GOD?????
Probably not.
I took a minute to look at it as if I had never seen it before, and what impressed me most was the scripture. Of the 21 designs presented, including columns from priests, bishops, scholars, moms, pundits, and other editors, mine was the only one that included a verse.
Be transformed by the renewal of your mind. Romans 12:2.
There it was, in black and white. With nary a typo.
I had chosen the scripture when we did a redesign some time ago. It's a favorite verse, one that has driven me time and again to the truth of the power of my thinking to change my reality, or at least my perception of it.
Today, it was a simple reminder, if not a sign. "Cathy," it said unambiguously, "Be transformed." How? "By the renewal of your mind."
So I must change, and if I don't know quite into what just yet, at least there's this: I know how to begin.
This morning I received my monthly edition of The Catholic Journalist. I receive it because currently that is what I am, and it comes free with my membership in the Catholic Press Association. I flipped through casually, forgetting my recent plea to the Lord that He use everything I see to push me in the general direction of His will for my life.
The center spread was eye-catching. It featured a prominent box with the words "Column Logos"; beneath it I spotted a profound, telling, significant icon. A TYPO! A typo in my professional journal! It made me giddy; a sign of imperfection, proof that other actual human beings produced it and lived to tell.
I got up to share it with a coworker, laughing about the fact that though we worked hard to be professional (a.k.a. perfect) there were always errors. I strive to avoid errors, but I'm also of the stripe that recognizes them to be forgivable signs of a common humanity.
As I pointed out the mistake, my eye was drawn to the center of the page. There, in full color, was a picture of me.
This is not a symbolic statement, guys. I mean, it was my real, actual face!
The spread featured ways Catholic media outlets identify their opinion columns, and the header from my page in the magazine I edit was included. OMG is this a sign from GOD?????
Probably not.
I took a minute to look at it as if I had never seen it before, and what impressed me most was the scripture. Of the 21 designs presented, including columns from priests, bishops, scholars, moms, pundits, and other editors, mine was the only one that included a verse.
Be transformed by the renewal of your mind. Romans 12:2.
There it was, in black and white. With nary a typo.
I had chosen the scripture when we did a redesign some time ago. It's a favorite verse, one that has driven me time and again to the truth of the power of my thinking to change my reality, or at least my perception of it.
Today, it was a simple reminder, if not a sign. "Cathy," it said unambiguously, "Be transformed." How? "By the renewal of your mind."
So I must change, and if I don't know quite into what just yet, at least there's this: I know how to begin.
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 5:28 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
It's silent; it's cold; it's dark. I gaze off over the garage, through the snowy branches of the damp trees, to see the man in the moon looking down and telling me, "You are unimaginable."
I walk outside and with every step my feet get colder, wetter, and numb. I imagine everything as tundra, and my house is a shack. There is a small frozen lake with a hole in the center to fish. I see the last birds travel south for the winter; just a few; cold, tired, just waiting to land in Florida, where they sit on a pole looking out at the ocean. So warm there, but below zero here. I wish I could be there; I wish I could sip a cold glass of lemonade on a lawn chair; I wish I could just jump up and fly away, and be secluded, isolated from everyone else, and fly, just fly, until I cross the ocean, then cross Africa, even Asia, and fly over the world.
It's silent. It's beautiful.
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 8:10 PM 1 comments
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Jacob's Lighthouse
It seemed to her, that from a distance, all lighthouses looked pretty much alike. They were like golden retrievers. From a few yards, they all looked silken and gilded and similar. Up close, they had unique noses, and some even smiled. Lighthouses didn't ever smile, of course, but they all stood straight and tall and were white, and only sometimes red.
Jacob's lighthouse was on the end of a fairly short pier that struck out at a regular angle into Lake Michigan, or more specifically, into the bay at St. Joseph's. Benton Harbor was the town on the other side.
She had visited once or twice before, on summer days. She remembered spending half a day or so there, when all of the children still lived at home. There were only six then. It might have been the summer she was expecting number seven. Maybe that was why the walk out on the pier seemed exceedingly dangerous. It was windy, and the cement was slick, having been washed clean by waves that morning. Authorities had opened the pier and assured visitors it was safe to venture out. But she had held Luke, the littlest, extra tight, and scolded the bigger boys when they went too close to the edge. Aaron had gone ahead, as he always did, reaching the lighthouse long before she felt safe. It was a role he had always taken in their marriage, and she tensed in the remembering, then relaxed, recalling that they had remained, through grace, safe.
She remembered that later, they had taken photographs on the nearby beach. It was a cloudy day, and the children's tan faces were golden against the gray. She wanted to capture the moment, in its imperfection and beauty, and keep it forever. It felt fragile and temporary. So unlike the lighthouse that Jacob, her great, great-grandfather, had maintained decades before.
Now she saw the lighthouse again. Not just in a new light, but in a new season. It was winter. It wasn't just, however, any winter. It was the coldest, bitterest winter that had touched the Midwest in years. This day a record was set. Forecasters predicted that the temperature in some areas might only rise to zero. The lighthouse wasn't merely snow-covered. It was encapsulated in ice. Crystals reached out, building one upon the next, forming icy tendrils that connected to the pier below. It was terrifying. And breathtakingly beautiful.
She had never seen it quite this way, and it moved her deeply.
Now, in this season, on the bitterest of days, a part of her past reached out to her and touched her unexpectedly. She had never met Jacob, and could only wonder at what his life had been like. She had gone to the lighthouse on that summer day because that is what people do: they seek landmarks and legacies, and they try to leave them.
She was creating her own that summer day. Even though the child she carried beneath her heart wouldn't live for more than a few months, she too would leave a unique mark; a sign; a signal; a light as bold as any ever emitted from any beacon in any port, in any season.
She smiled and touched the computer screen. The image of Jacob's lighthouse had been captured by a photographer she'd likely never meet. It was posted online by a friend that chance had brought to her, a friend she had never embraced in person but a friend, a light, nonetheless.
Jacob's lighthouse stood frozen, elegant and beautiful, cold and far away, yet close. She would return there someday, and walk out on the pier, unafraid.
Today, she took the first step.
See the photos of Jacob's lighthouse here.
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 11:29 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
note to self
So, the holidays are over, and you are left with some extra gifts in the form of pounds.
It's OK.
You ate a few too many of those really good cookies that Joey baked. You went back - twice - to get that yummy special-purchase salami with Chianti wine - and you ate the whole thing in one sitting.
Everyone knows you like wine, so it was so thoughtful of them to buy you several bottles for your birthday and Christmas. You didn't drink it all alone. You shared it with friends and family, and you toasted love. It was good. So are you - really.
So you put on a few pounds. That doesn't make you a criminal. Isn't it nice to feel this way, maybe for the first time ever? That is was OK to indulge and eat some special treats, because most of the time you feed yourself healthful foods in a responsible manner? I mean, really. Stop and think about it. You can TRUST yourself to take care of yourself. You've been taking care of everyone else for decades. You know how to do this. You ARE doing it, and you are going to be just fine.
So drink a few glasses of water. Have some fruit and a few extra veggies. If you want to, have a protein shake and some of that vitamin enriched green stuff. But don't get out the emotional weapons of self-destruction and start whipping yourself. Be kind to yourself. Take a walk. Have a cup of tea. Read that book you've been wanting to read. Listen to some beautiful music. Wear pants with an elastic waist for a few days. It's no big deal.
No one loves you less because you're wearing stretchy pants today. In fact, they might like you better, because if you are too perfect, you make life seem too hard. I know that if you trust yourself, and those who love you, you will find goodness this year. You will become the healthier, happier person you know you can be, regardless of what size jeans you are rocking.
You are loved, and you love. That is what others see when they look at you - not what pants you are wearing or how you've filled them out.
It's a new, wonderful year. Look outside. The snow is falling softly, covering everything in a clean, pure blanket. It's a cool, blank slate. Start fresh. Breathe the chilled air and thank God you have another year to live well.
"Fear is useless; what is needed is TRUST." Luke 8:50, Mark 5:36
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 12:14 PM 0 comments
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Rather unceremoniously, she took it out of my bathroom, put it in the trunk of her car, and drove off. I think it's still there, beneath jumper cables and grocery bags. I wonder if it misses me stepping on it three or four times a day. I missed it at first, but now that my habit has been broken, I'm not sure I want to be reunited.
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with my weight/body image/scale addiction. They are not all the same thing, and I'm still discovering how they are all connected. According to the charts, I'm overweight, maybe even obese. (I don't know for sure without that trusty scale.) I've been normal on occasion, but according to said charts, doctors, Weight Watchers, people on the internet, and the whole wide world, I've been fat for most of my life, and I'm fat now. OK. That's just the way it is.
Body image is another story. There's no chart that you can look at that tells you how to feel about yourself. I can be fat and happy or skinny and sad. I can think I look OK and then see a photo of myself or catch a glimpse in a mirror and decide that I don't deserve to be fed. I know people who are much larger than I am who have wonderful confident attitudes; they love their bodies. I know of very slim, fit women who struggle every day with self-hatred. It's a complex issue, rooted in ultimately in our sense of truth, beauty, and love.
The scale was simply the tool I used to link the data and the image. It was my barometer of self-worth.
If my weight was down, I was happy. When it went up, I was devastated. It meant that I was not good enough. I was such an out-of-control beast that I couldn't even do this one thing right. I was a failure.
I was powerless.
I have often told my husband that this struggle is less about what others think of me and more about power and control, and he always asks me "Why do you have to have control?" This enrages me. How dare I try to have control of anything! Who do I think I am? What kind of woman thinks she has any right to be empowered about anything?
Yes, I said woman. I do believe this is a feminist issue, and I am an authentic feminist. Some men, many gay, suffer from these issues as well, and I don't downplay their suffering, but I'm writing as a woman here. As a woman I am sick to death of this. I am tired of wanting with every fiber of my being to be something I cannot be. I am exhausted with my obsessions. I am so over weighing every particle of food and counting every calorie, because even though they tell you at Weight Watchers that this is normal behavior, IT IS NOT. It is not normal to write down every crumb you eat, and use a measuring cup to count the ounces of wine you drink. It's nonsense. It's not normal to weigh yourself every day – or even once a week at their meeting – and base your happiness on that number. It's not healthy to deny yourself birthday cake on your child's birthday, or bring raw veggies to parties so you can eat them while everyone else has pizza.
I'm writing this today because a part of me wants the scale back. I have probably put on a couple pounds since it left me, and I'm scared. I'm scared that I will become even fatter, fatter every day; that I will become so fat that I become invisible. I fear that this will happen even though I actually eat very well and exercise, because without the scale to tell me to hate myself, how will I remember?
Some part of me knows the truth, the big truth that I am not my body, and that this shell that contains Me will never be adequate to reflect the wonder of who I really am.
But I am still seeking power. What if I could grasp the power that I already have, as a child of God? What if I recognized that fat or thin, young and beautiful or aging and wrinkled, I am worthy of love? What if I focused on my inner beauty (i.e., the fitness of my soul) instead of the circumference of my waist?
I'm not there yet. I am vain and I've been deeply influenced by years of cultural influence. I've allowed the image of feminine physical beauty to be my benchmark. But I am willing to experiment with a new idea. Might I be enough as I am?
For now I will avoid the scale. Maybe eventually I will forget about it. Maybe I will find new ways to measure success, power, and worth.
You cannot gather those things in your arms and hold them close, so that they will register when you stand naked, waiting to be judged. You can only release them and wonder at how light you feel when you finally stop trying to grasp them, and let them go.
(I stole the title for this post from my friend Kate's book. I'm in the dedication so I didn't think she'd mind. Go to her site to learn more.)
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 5:30 PM 1 comments
Friday, October 4, 2013
I carry her heart
I was at an appointment and this person was the tech taking care of me. I see her about once a year, and when she asked me what was new, I told her I now had seven grandchildren with another on the way. This led to a discussion of how many children I had. At first I said I have six, not mentioning Celeste. But as the conversation progressed, and she mentioned a family member who was expecting at age 40, I said that I too had a baby at that age. I briefly shared the fact that my daughter had only lived for four months, and that despite her challenges she was a huge blessing in my life.
I've had many responses to Celeste's story, but I won't forget this one.
When I said that Celeste had a heart defect, I could tell her interest was piqued, and she wanted to ask more. When I said that I didn't know about the defect until my baby's birth – that it had not been detected by ultrasound – she said, "If you had known, would you have terminated?" I responded quickly with the truth, "absolutely not! Heavens no."
Then she asked if I had suspected anything was wrong during my pregnancy. When I said that I hadn't she started to talk quickly, eagerly sharing her story.
"I had a pregnancy once," she began. "I knew something was wrong, and even though my doctor told me everything was fine, I just felt like something was off, so she ordered another ultrasound." She laughed. "Well, you know, Mom knows best and all that."
I started wondering where this story was going. I had just told her that my daughter had died after we removed her life support, after discovering she had brain damage, after watching her suffer through numerous illnesses, after navigating the emotional roller coaster of a possible transplant.
"Well wouldn't you know," she went on. "The baby wasn't forming right. I looked at it on the ultrasound, and it looked like it had a hole in its heart."
I started to feel a little dizzy. I thought about Celeste and the holes in her heart. I also thought of the many babies I've heard of who were born with holes in their heart, who are now grown up healthy adults.
"They told me that I probably wouldn't abort spontaneously, but of course I knew what I had to do," she sighed. "I felt so bad, but you know, I couldn't imagine looking at it and seeing that….They told me that some people would say this was an abortion, for religious reasons, but , well…. I did go to some counseling about it. I used to feel really bad. My husband wasn't as upset as I was. But you know, the mom is a mom right away. The dads don't really connect until they hold that baby."
Essentially, she said this: "You just told me the story of your much-loved child, and how her life was difficult yet such a blessing. If I had a child like that,I would have killed her. In fact, I did."
That sounds and feels like madness.
I didn't know what to say or do, so I did and said nothing. I just sat there, numb, while she continued her work, telling me the story of the baby she aborted because "it" wasn't perfect, because "it" might suffer, because "it" might die soon after birth. We went on to talk about how much ultrasounds could detect nowadays, and how cool it is to see a 3-D one.
I am not surprised that she had an abortion. Nor am I surprised that she convinced herself that she didn't. I am sure this caused her a good deal of suffering, and no matter what you might think, I don't think she is a horrible human being. I do not judge her; while I don't know her well, my gut tells me she is a genuine woman who truly meant to make the right choice. She had been lied to by medical professionals and the culture and pretty much the whole world. She had believed the great lie that suffering is the enemy.
I am simply horrified that my telling of Celeste's story may have somehow confirmed her belief that she "did the right thing." I am sick thinking that somehow the fact that my daughter suffered and died at a young age meant that I should have ended it before her birth, limiting our collective pain.
I wanted to tell her that despite Celeste's sufferings, I do not regret for one moment that she lived. Every human being who is allowed to be born will suffer – even those of us whose hearts arrive intact. I wish I had had the presence of mind to tell her that.
Instead I mumbled an apology for bringing up something that might have made her uncomfortable. I said a silent prayer, a plea for mercy for myself and this woman and for all of us here on this planet who don't seem to know how to love. I offered up my agony for a couple I know of whose two month old baby died last week.
Then I thanked God that my daughter died in my arms and that I was able to bury her precious body in our family plot. I thanked God that I had been given what is apparently an extraordinary grace – the grace to suffer with my daughter at the foot of her cross.
When I first met this woman I liked her right away. She is kind and has cared for me very patiently more than once. I still like her, and I'm reminded I need to love her. And pray for her.
I write this not so that we can all sit back and judge her and say that I'm so much better because I chose to let my child die a natural death. I write this because there are holes in my heart, too, and writing sometimes helps me patch them. Despite my brokenness, I'm still breathing, even though it seems like I shouldn't be sometimes. I pray that she and I can forgive and be forgiven and heal. And really think about what it means to suffer, to live – and most of all, to love.
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
e.e. cummings
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 2:56 PM 2 comments
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
marriage, rotting corpses, and true love
One of my favorite bloggers compared marriage to a rotting corpse in her post today. Ooh, that's gross. Bizarre. And also true. Read what she wrote and come back, so we can talk about what she said here:
Marriage changes you. Marriage requires that you give things up, forsake all others, step through that door to the other side. Marriage requires that you die, and that you look death in the face and let it happen. When you marry, you cannot preserve your radical independence. You cannot preserve the idea that your needs and wants come first. You cannot pretend that you are a solitary person anymore.
Hey, I thought marriage was all about "love." Isn't that what everyone's saying? That couples who "love" each other should have the right to marry, regardless of gender?
Let's talk about love.
Leaving the same-sex debate for another day, I'd like to propose a radical concept.
Most of us haven't the faintest idea what love is.
When I married my husband almost 27 years ago, I thought I loved him. I mean, he was sweet, kind, and attractive. We had fun together. Spending the rest of our lives together seemed like a fine idea at the time. We were "in love."
But we didn't know a thing about love.
Thinking about getting married? Want to know what love is about?
Maybe a rotting corpse is a grotesque example,but damn, it's brutal, this love thing. Like Simcha said, it's about death, people. It's about dying to your very self, about putting the needs of your spouse in front of your own. It's about forgiving, over and over and over again. It's about recalling that you did not marry this person because it was going to be nice, fun, rewarding, or pleasant, although there will be times when it is all those things. If you are really loving your spouse, you are intentionally striving for that person's salvation, whatever the cost.
You are also united into one flesh. One flesh doesn't have two heads, two hearts, two wills. One flesh is one. If I am one, I hurt when my spouse hurts. I struggle when he struggles. When he sins, I repent with him, and I bear the results of his sin in my own soul. If he stops growing, so do I. If he is far from God, can I really say that I am close?
When I am loved by my spouse, I am cared for intimately. When seen through the eyes of love, I am beautiful – not necessarily as I am now, in my imperfection. My spouse loves me as he loves himself, and he sees in me possibility. He sees the wo(man) I can become.
I cannot, in my wildest imagination, dream of a scenario in which this would be possible without Grace.
This summer, brides will walk down aisles to grooms who will promise to cherish them, to be faithful to them, to lay down their lives for them. Many of them will fail. Many of us fail every day.
But miraculously, through Grace, we can "succeed" at marriage. (Success in marriage means, of course, we shall get each other to heaven, right?) We can only do this by death, the figurative and literal kind. We can only stay married, find a peace and even joy in it, if we look at the crucifix and say, "Yes. I am going to love. like. that."
So first, we die. We die to self. We accept the horrible fallen state we are in, that we are sinners who will hurt each other again and again, and we will look at our other half, our image, the rest of our self, our spouse, and instead of asking, "Am I loved?" we will ask, "Do I love?"
That's all that really matters, isn't it?
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 5:08 PM 1 comments
Monday, January 14, 2013
the yellow bowl
I pride myself on the fact that I am not attached to many material things.
If asked, "Your house is on fire, and you can only grab a few things. What would you take?" I used to answer that all I needed were my photo albums, as everything else could be replaced. Now that most of my photos are somewhere in "the cloud," I say I need nothing.
It has come to my attention lately that I have been lying to myself.
Years ago, perhaps in my first year of marriage, I bought a yellow bowl at a garage sale. It was pretty much like the one pictured above. It was in great condition, and I paid 10 cents for it, took it home, and didn't think much about it.
Then I used that bowl, for the next two and a half decades. I used it mostly when mixing pancakes or a batch of cookies. And always for birthday cakes. I'm not good at math, but I had seven children, so that's quite a few cakes over the years.
The yellow bowl stood for something good and meaningful. It stood for Sunday morning. It represented the times when Mom threw caution to the wind and made chocolate chip cookies, even though she knew she would eat a lot of dough and that was NOT on the diet. It meant cakes sometimes made from scratch, but mostly from a mix, because it was easier and that's what the kids prefer, anyway. It meant little children begging for the spatula, children with chocolate smiles who needed to lick that bowl!
A month or so ago the rubber ring on the bottom of the bowl disintegrated. Beneath it was a mess of moldy yuckiness. Without the ring, the bowl slid around the counter, making it no longer practical. So in a sensible, practical move I non-ceremoniously threw the bowl in the trash and went on with my day.
I can't stop thinking about that bowl.
I imagine it in a landfill somewhere, wondering why it's not on my counter, playing a starring role on a special occasion.
I see the faces of my children around me, begging for a taste or frosting or asking if they can have the first pancake.
I'm overwhelmed with nostalgic longing. I'm overcome with the realization that something so simple could mean so much to me.
My google search for images made it clear that this "vintage find" might be available for purchase if I keep an eye out for it. Sadly, there is no replacing that bowl. A counterfeit could never take its place.
Instead I have begun to train myself, yet again, to "keep all these things, and reflect on them in my heart." Children grow up; they grow up and venture out into the world, and our motherly hearts break a little each day with the realization. Sometimes I have to catch my breath when I allow myself to think about it. I am teaching them, intentionally, to no longer need me. They are transforming before my eyes - and their growth is utterly and completely out of my control. The world will be unkind to them, and they will suffer. They will stand at my elbow, asking for a taste of something good, for such a short while.
Like the yellow bowl, I will do my job and then, eventually, be all used up.
I hope I do my job as well as that bowl did. I hope I will be a memory to my children of one who held and offered good things, who fed them, and who was a part of every celebration.
Goodbye, my yellow friend. Thank you for the lessons - and the pancakes.
Posted by Cathy Adamkiewicz at 12:24 PM 3 comments
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Reviews - Cooper Lodge Hotel
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Heritage accommodation in modern comfort, come and have a try our newly renovated Cooper Lodge. Since owned by the emancipated convict Robert Cooper, who was an established and successful hotel keeper and distiller from London in 1843, this building has been changed again. Currently, we offer modern facilities combined with affordable comfort.
Cooper Lodge is located in the Inner West of Sydney, just walking distance to CBD and Broadway shopping centre, nearby the University of Sydney and UTS . Our location is also opposite Victoria Park which has public swimming pool, playground and basketball (5 minutes walk). Our Hotel is in walking distance to popular cafe, which is the famous Toby's Estate Cafe about 15 metres away and provides the finest coffee Australia has to offer.
All Rooms have security card access keys. All beds have their own lockable lockers.
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Free Wireless internet access available
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King-single or double beds
Towels provided
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Hotel Feature:
Coin-operated laundry/dryer
Wheelchair chairlift and wheelchair accessible facilities
Fully equipped guest kitchen (self catering)
Shared bathrooms/ toilets
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Secure premises
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subset: commoncrawl


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text:
Brit paralegal leaves for internship on US death row
Readers' comments (7)
Sounds great!
Well done Duncan! This sounds like a great opportunity especially if you want to go into human rights......... It's a pity the legal aid system in England is so dire though.
Good for him, no doubt he'll be in high demand when he returns.
I was lucky enough to be Amicus's first ever intern back in 1998 and the experience was genuinely life changing and affirming. The Lawyer was good enough to recognise my trip by naming me as Assistant Solicitor of the Year in 1999 (thanks for that) which was a bonus! Best of luck and enjoy flying the flag
Thanks, but...
It's admirable to want to help people who you feel are otherwise overmatched by the System, but you're more than a bit misguided if you really think that the best use of a year of your life is protecting Mississippi death row convicts from capital punishment. Human dignity and human rights are enhanced by personal accountability, not degraded by it. Capital punishment would be a just punishment far more often than it is actually imposed as punishment. You're not making the world a better place by acting as though the US justice system is the front lines of the fight for human rights in the world.
left field?
not sure what upset Robert so much!!?!!? but it sounds like a great experience - a friend of mine did it about 6 yrs ago and had a great time. Have fun!
... and?
I don't understand the extensive coverage of the Amicus. Lots of people are involved in human rights and there is not much news on them.
Im currently in the process of applying for an internship to the US - would be glad of any advice from anybody !! : )


text:
Updated: January 20, 2011 4:28PM
Birth date: 05-15-1949
Political affiliation: Democratic Party
Neighborhood: Roseland
Occupation/Firm name: City of Chicago
Marital status: Widow
Campaign HQ address: 11509 South Elizabeth
Campaign website: No response
Campaign manager
No response
What is your campaign budget?
What are your top priorities for the City of Chicago?
As Budget Chairman putting the City on solid financial footing for years to come is a significant priority. Many City employees, including myself, have had to make financial sacrifices to ensure Chicago's budget remains balanced. I am truly grateful to those unions that joined with non-union employees in taking furlough days; I know it has not been easy. Going forward, it is imperative that all stakeholders work together to find budget solutions because any solution must be a shared sacrifice.
I plan to continue my efforts to bring economic development to the 34th Ward. The recent opening of a new Target store has resulted in greater interest in my ward. I am also proud to have been instrumental in bringing the largest urban solar facility to the 34th Ward. This facility has provided significant construction jobs. Going forward, I intend to capitalize on this momentum to bring even more projects to the ward.
The City is in desperate need of infrastructure money. As Alderman, I support repealing Chicago's video gaming prohibition to provide the necessary monies to bring more capital funding from the state for infrastructure needs. I will also continue to advocate for greater federal funding in the Transportation bill for Chicago. I have also been involved with Metra's CREATE project and believe that will provide even more construction jobs.
What are your top priorities for your ward?
Please see the answers to question 1. Putting the city on sound financial footing will benefit the taxpayers of the 34th Ward, as will efforts to bring more infrastructure money from the state and federal governments.
The city is in serious financial trouble and can't afford the level of service it currently provides. For 2011, Mayor Daley, with City Council backing, balanced the budget without raising taxes or fees, relying instead on some cost-saving measures and one-time fixes, including using proceeds from leasing the city's parking meters. Do you support this approach? What should be done differently going forward?
Please be specific about your plans to reshape government: what services and departments would you scale back or cut? Can you identify new revenue sources? How can the City reduce personnel costs? What kind of concessions should the City seek from the unions?
The 2011 Budget also restored funding to the delegate agencies throughout Chicago. While not a part of the original proposal offered by Mayor Daley, as Budget Chairman I worked with my colleagues in the City Council and the Budget Office to ensure that this funding was restored. This funding provides support to many local chambers of commerce in our neighborhoods and these chambers provide support to our local businesses. In these extremely difficult economic times I was pleased to support a 2011 budget that contained no new or increased taxes and fees on residents and businesses. People are hurting and I do not believe that now is the time to ask them for any more than they are already paying. Going forward, we will clearly have to look at expenditure reductions and revenue growth to ensure the city budget remains balanced without an over reliance on one-time revenue sources. This will require input from all stakeholders to develop a budget that is balanced and fair.
Chicago cannot tax its way out of this budget crisis. Residents and businesses are facing difficult economic challenges and we simply cannot ask them to pay more. If we are going to balance our budget without relying on one-time revenues, the Mayor and City Council need to look at the entire operation of city government. Together we must identify core services that the city should continue to provide. This review will clearly take into account personnel, pension benefits and health benefits. To reduce city spending, we should look at changes to the benefits packages for new hires, including higher employee contributions. It is difficult to assess a value to these savings until a benefits package is finalized. Presently, the City waives fees to non-profits for such things as water, permit fees and inspection fees. These entities should be asked to pay half of these costs, which would generate an estimated $17.5 to $20 million in savings each year. The City should contract for animal control services either through another governmental entity or through a consortium of non-profit animal care organizations to enhance the service to residents. This would reduce spending by nearly $4 million each year. Any final proposal on the city budget involving personnel and benefits will clearly require a discussion with the unions that represent these employees and again, this will be a shared sacrifice.
The city's four employee pension funds have been called a "ticking time bomb," with Mayor Daley's pension commission predicting that the four funds will run out of money in 20 years. "There is no low- or no-cost solution to this problem," the commission wrote in a report earlier this year. "Deferring action is not a viable option." What is your plan for bringing the pension funds to solvency?
To meet this obligation by 2030, the City would be required to add an additional $714 million to the expense side of the City budget. Clearly this issue will be part of future city budgets. I believe the benefits plans for new employees must be adjusted and soon and should include higher employee contributions. Those who have served the city deserve to complete their service under the current terms.
Does Chicago need 50 aldermen? If not, what's a better number? What City Council committees could be combined? What other ways can the City Council save money?
Each Alderman in Chicago represents approximately 59,000 people. In most Chicago suburbs, many of which have a fewer number of residents than a Chicago ward, there are five to seven elected trustees representing the people in each suburb. Reducing the number of Aldermen elected to the City Council will reduce the impact local residents have on our legislative process. The next City Council will have to determine how it reorganizes its Committees. Since I have been Alderman, I have voted to reduce the number of Committees. The City Council should remain vigilant to ensure that all spending in the city's budget is efficient and effective.
Chicago was designed as a weak mayor, strong council form of government yet Mayor Daley wields considerable power over the City Council. What measures would you recommend to strengthen the council? On which issues should the mayor lead? On which should the council lead?
Structurally, the City Council has tremendous power. By a majority vote (26 votes) it can reject any proposal offered by the Mayor. As such, I do not believe that changes to the structure are necessary. Ultimately, it is up to the individual members of the City Council to come together and secure a majority if they do not like a particular mayoral proposal. As for who should take the lead on issues, the Mayor, any Alderman as well as any private citizen has the right to submit a proposal to the City Council for consideration. I believe if you propose an idea then you should take the lead on that idea and work to secure the votes in the City Council to make that idea a reality.
The city's tax-increment financing program has been criticized on several fronts, including the proliferation of districts, how money is diverted from schools and other basic city services, how TIF funding decisions are made and for an overall lack of transparency. How would you improve the TIF program? Does the TIF law need to be changed in any way?
I would contest your premise that TIF funding decisions lack transparency. In my community, every TIF funded project has been reviewed by the community and my office to ensure it meets the overall planning objectives of the area. In the 34th Ward, TIF spending has been very strategic and has fostered economic development. I believe all TIF districts should be evaluated to ensure they are performing as intended. Those that are deemed to be underperforming should be eliminated. I believe the state law should be reviewed to ensure that the allowable expenditures include all of the costs associated with enhancing the economic condition of an area.
Mayor Daley has focused on privatizing city assets. Are there any other assets the City Council should consider privatizing? If so, would you make any changes to the way privatization deals are negotiated and passed through the City Council?
At this time I do not believe the city should seek to privatize additional assets. However, going forward, any asset lease proposal will require careful scrutiny to ensure improved service levels at a lower cost. This scrutiny should include an analysis of the cost benefit, review of long term revenue losses, impact on employees and overall benefit to the city's budget and our taxpayers. Future asset leases should be subject to a special public hearing.
The Chicago Police Department is understaffed, with no lasting budget solution in sight. Given the current staffing levels, what changes would you recommend to use resources more efficiently? Do you support realigning beats in a way that moves police from lower crime areas to higher crime neighborhoods? What should happen to the diminished CAPS program?
First and foremost, I believe that the bulk of the Police Department's resources should be spent in putting police officers on the street. Realigning the department to achieve this objective must be a top priority. I believe that the Specialized Units and the Organized Crime Unit should be focused on the areas with the highest crime, particularly murders. CAPS is an important way to keep the community involved in the city's policing efforts. The strategic reassignments that took place as part of the budget process are designed to continue the CAPS program as originally intended. CAPS must maintain its focus on crime, not other city issues that are better handled within the departments that are designated to deal with such issues.
The next mayor will choose a new CEO for the Chicago Public Schools. Do you think the CEO needs to have education experience? Should the new mayor continue the Renaissance 2010 program of shutting down failing schools and creating new ones? Should the new mayor continue Ron Huberman's "culture of calm" effort, which aims to improve the culture of the toughest schools and provides mentors and extra support for kids at greatest risk of being shot? What should CPS do to improve neighborhood schools that are struggling to educate the large numbers of students left behind, the students that don't make it into test-based, charters or other specialized schools?
The CEO should have an educational background in that he/she should have experience operating an educational institution. However, I believe the CEO should operate the physical buildings and the Chief Education Officer should be most directly involved with curriculum matters and working with teachers. The Renaissance 2010 program is something the new Mayor will have to assess. My personal experience with Renaissance 2010 has been limited. Most schools in my ward are not a part of that program. The culture of calm program should be continued because it is important that we place our resources where they are most needed.
I strongly disagree with your premise that the children in Chicago Public Schools are left behind. For many, Chicago Public Schools are a preference. At the same time, I would urge Chicago Public Schools to place a majority of its resources in the classroom and this includes revaluation of the classroom size.
Do you support one or more casinos for Chicago? If so, where would you like to see casinos located?
A casino would bring much needed revenue to the city and for this reason, I support a casino in Chicago. Such a casino should be centrally located to ensure it attracts conventioneers and tourists. I firmly believe that a portion of revenues derived from this casino should be dedicated to providing assistance with the social issues that stem from gaming.
Aldermen have considerable influence over TIF, zoning and other decisions, both large and small, related to development and services in their ward. Do aldermen have too much influence?
I find this to be an interesting question since in an earlier question it was suggested the Mayor has all the power. However, as the elected ward representative, it is crucial for the Alderman to have an opportunity to bring the community to the table to discuss TIF projects, zoning changes and other proposals that affect the community. I do not however support any Alderman using these authorities to benefit interests outside the community.
If elected alderman, do you plan to maintain an outside job? Would you pledge not to hold any job that represents a conflict of interest, including those that involve spending public dollars?
As the Alderman, I do not hold an outside job, nor do I expect to in the future. Frankly there's not enough time. I would never hold a job that represents a conflict of interest of any kind with the city.
Would you accept campaign contributions or gifts from your employees? Would you pledge not to hire relatives on your staff?
I do not believe it is appropriate to restrict anyone's right to participate in their government in a legal manner. I do not solicit my employees for campaign contributions or gifts. I pledge to hire those most qualified persons for the position they are seeking.
Does the City need to change the way it hands out contracts? Should aldermen reclaim oversight of City contracts? If so, contracts above what dollar amount?
The City does not hand out contracts. Most contracts are awarded on a competitive bid basis and others are awarded through the request for qualification and request for proposal processes. City Council oversight of City contracts politicizes the contracting process and will likely increase the city's costs. The Department of Procurement Services should oversee the contracting process and under the current Chief Procurement Officer Jamie Rhee the department is making great strides on improving that process.
Do you support an inspector general just for the City Council? Would you support giving the city's existing inspector general power to investigate aldermen and their staffs, including subpoena power?
I voted in favor of an inspector general for the City Council. I do not support giving the city's existing inspector general power to investigate the Aldermen and their staffs. Giving a member of the executive branch of government power to investigate the legislative branch of government violates the separation of powers inherent in the U.S. Constitution.
Should there be new limits on who can lobby City Hall officials, including aldermen? Should former City Hall employees be prohibited from doing business with the city after their departure? If so, for how long?
Regulation regarding who can lobby City Hall officials must be developed to ensure they do not violate any individual's ability to exercise their First Amendment right to redress their grievances to their government. The current law prohibits city employees from lobbying for one year after they leave government. I believe this is a reasonable restriction that does not violate the First Amendment. To extend this time period further, I would have to weigh the opinion of the Law Department and other legal experts on whether a longer time period would meet constitutional muster.
What's the best book ever written about Chicago? Why?
Don't Make No Waves, Don't Back No Losers by Milton Rakove. This book speaks to the democratic process because the pendulum swings both ways.
Please list your educational background
Waller High School (now Lincoln Park High School), Roosevelt University
Please list civic, professional, fraternal or other organizations to which you belong
I am an Eastern Star in the Masonic Brotherhood. I also belong to Logos Baptist Assembly.
Have you held elective or appointive political office or been employed by any branch of government?
I have been Alderman since 1994 and have been re-elected four times since. I worked for Alderman Wilson Frost, the Committee on Traffic Control & Safety and as an aide to a U.S. Congressman.
Please list jobs or contracts you, members of your immediate family or business partners have had with government
One of my sons works for the Department of Street & Sanitation, another son works for the Department of Water Management, another son works for me. My grandson used to work as an Aldermanic intern. One of my daughters works for the Secretary of State, another daughter used to work for the Metropolitan Water Reclamation District. At sixteen, my son who now works for Water Management was a part owner in a trucking company that had a contract with the U.S. Postal Service, which he secured on his own through the federal procurement process.
Name your five biggest campaign contributors and the amount they contributed
I make it a point not to track my campaign contributors and the amounts they contribute. However, all of the information is reported to the state board of elections and available to the public.
Please paste a brief biography here
Alderman Carrie M. Austin, the 4-term 34th Ward Alderman of Chicago's far southside community, favorably accepted appointment by Mayor Richard M. Daley on Thursday, August 5, 1994 to fulfill the unexpired term of her late husband Lemuel Austin, Jr. Henceforth Alderman Austin continues to carve a distinct brand that's earned her the esteemed political moniker of "Power Broker". By advocating "I had rather do and not promise, than promise and not do," she obligates delivery of equitable city services as a precise rule rather than exception, option or favor. All the while maintaining accountability and accessibility to the public she serves, despite the variable challenges, expectations and criticisms.
As testament to Austin's respectable work ethic, on Wednesday, May 23, 2007 Mayor Daley awarded Chairmanship of the powerfully prestigious Committee on the Budget & Government Operations, the second largest committee after the Committee on Finance to the Honorable 34th Ward Alderman. A seat which was also previously held by her late husband Lemuel Jr. In such capacity, Chairman Austin's the keeper of the budget--"having jurisdiction over expenditure of all funds appropriated and expended by the City and all matters concerning organization, reorganization and efficient management of City government, and federal and state legislation and administrative regulations of City interest" (excerpted from "Rules of Order and Procedure of the City Council, City of Chicago," For Years 2007-2011).
Responsibilities of the Alderman's Chairmanship, though notably accomplished, have not been without the usual adversities of its charge, most specifically the broad reaching effects of the current economic downturn of the times. Such unfavorable climate of prevailing recession-like trends having an also adverse impact on the City's budget. Cases in point include the privatization of city parking meters and non-paid holidays/mandatory furloughs for city workers, which was City Council majority approved, though distressfully, as a direct response to offsetting some of the exacting budgetary deficits in the absence of current, new or pending revenue streams. Furthermore, the meter privatization met with varying and expressed degrees of opposing public sentiment, while the mandatory shutdowns and reduction in the city service calendar went virtually without competitive expression. In the aftermath of all the meter privatization discussion and/or debate, both private and public, is the fact the 34th Ward has no parking meters within its boundaries.
The Alderman also Vice Chairs the Committee on Committees, Rules and Ethics and has membership in the Committee on Energy, Environmental Protection and Public Utilities, the Committee on Finance, the Committee on Health, the Committee on Housing and Real Estate, the Committee on Police and Fire, and the Committee on Zoning. She's a former Chair of the City of Chicago Black Caucus and now currently serves as its Secretary. She is also the 34th Ward Committeeman, State Central Committeeman and was a Barack Obama Delegate. Affectionately called "Chairman" by colleagues and staff, Austin is a staunch member of the 34th Ward Democratic Organization since 1972. Her commitment to public service includes working under former 34th Ward Aldermen Wilson Frost, Annette Bitoy, her late husband Lemuel Jr., as well as, State Representative Nelson Rice, Sr and former Congressman Mel Reynolds. She has garnered the respect of fellow council members, city departmental leadership, local/national government and corporate level officials, area and city pastors, community organizers, constituents and others that live, work and/or advocate for the betterment of ward affairs and across this great city.
Prior to and separate from the unfortunate and unprecedented rise in violent and youth crimes plaguing Chicago's urban communities, this Alderman has consistently maintained close relationships with her Area Police Commanders (5th and 22nd District, respectively), Chief Deputies, Beat and School Officers, Tactical Sergeants and Officer Teams, as well as Superintendent Weis, First Deputy and both Senior and Field CAPS Officers and Staff.
Despite the Chicago City Aldermanic job classification being designated as a part-time position, this Alderman keeps an ongoing full-time schedule. The dictates of Carrie Austin as Alderman, Committeeman, City Executive Chair of Cook County Democratic Party of Illinois, State Central Committeeman--2nd Congressional District, Chairman of the Committee on Budget & Government Operations, community leader, advocate and other apropos representations in between are quite demanding, but met with Austin's consistent fervor and commitment to public service. And she emerges to meet the many calls to speak, panel and/or participate in public and private venues as humanly possible, always striving to meet the diverse obligations of officiating duties of her office.
The Alderman stays connected to public pulse by hosting weekly ward nights every Tuesday, monthly town halls every third and fourth Thursdays, and attending community-driven forums and activities. She regularly appears on local television and radio talk formats discussing the current events and issues affecting both her ward and community at-large. Also as a trendsetting proponent of quality in public education, Austin stays involved and available to area principals, as well as, CPS CEO and Departmental Central Office Personnel to facilitate student, family and school community needs. She delights in promoting community partnerships that build upon community-based resources. A prime example of such powerful display of human resource can be discerned in the deployment of community lobby to advocate for the closing of an infamous 24-hour liquor store, which was replaced by a new state-of-the-art public library. One of many successful village-driven outcomes.. Other acquisitions include a new Roseland Hospital Emergency Room and clinic facilities, new Davis/Langston Hughes concept school of mixed disabled and typic student population among other retail, commercial and real estate developments. Alderman Austin has Chaired the 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010 Chicago Football Classic. This year alone, she has officiated grand openings of the ward's new Roseland Medical Center, new suburban-style Marshfield Plaza Shopping Mall, new Exelon City Solar Installation and ground breaking for the Ray & Joan Kroc Corps Community Center. Present and prospective development progressively increases the ward's economy, creating ongoing job opportunities, reticulating local revenue and increasing incentives for TIFs and NIFs.
This Alderman's certainly a green advocate too and encourages adopting such applications in all existing, where applicable, new and prospectus developments. This can be evidenced in green application observances at Marshfield Plaza and, most notably, by her current lobby to bring a "waste-to-energy" biomass system plant facility to her beloved part of the city.
Alderman Carrie's love for the Lord is quite evident in all she does! A former member of Messiah Temple under the leadership of Reverend Barney Saulsby, she willfully served on various committees. Her current spiritual servitude at Logos Baptist Assembly is under the formidable leadership worship of the distinct Reverend Donald Parson. And she openly espouses to freely pass on the good news and prosperity of the Gospel to all persons willing to listen.
The Honorable Alderman Austin is a noble mother of 7 children, grandmother of 28. So when she's not being a diligent shepherd, soldier, and servant, she likes to take time to relax and enjoy family and friends.
Lastly, during this paramount election season, Austin formidably engages all voting-aged adults to not only register to vote, but to exercise their right and stay vigilant of the importance of casting their vote. And also to encourage their family and neighbors to get out and vote. Residents of the 34th Ward can rest assured that their seating Alderman walks the walk beyond the talk. So be encouraged to dare not surrender Austin's proven power for the myriads of campaign promises . . .


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*shouts* Reese L + Ateneo = EPIC!
Today, we went to Ateneo de Manila University to conduct an interview with the Reese Lansangan for our Oral Communication project! Thanks for lending us your precious time!!! *SO HAPPY OH GOD*
So we traveled with the APC (ex)/Dormers and bro.
I was with Princess & Eloiza for the project. Kuya Miko, Kuya Bam & Kuya Ely (not in the pic) are the APC dormers :) We brought them to their school dorm in Makati then went our way to Ateneo de Manila!
Meeting place: Pizza Hut. Meeting with: Kuya AC, my GC buddy who's a freshman in Ateneo. He accompanied us in Ateneo and he was our camera man in the interview. We had our lunch first!
And after that we hurried to Zen Garden to finally meet Reese Lansangan!!! Such a shame that we didn't arrive there before her. We actually made her wait and that's… embarrassing! We're really really sorry!
So we had the interview (which was ok because Ms Reese was there but not, because we were so tensed that we forgot so much of our plan + camera being kinda faulty) and everything she said in the interview was forever inspiring! (I will be quoting her words!)
What can I say about her? She's really really cute and pretty! She's really nice and friendly even if me & my partner are awkward girls. She's really humble and everything that she was wearing fits her perfectly. Forever fashion inspiration! <3333 I proudly say: I love herrrrr!!!! >:D<
^ I like this picture even if it's blurry. Ughhh~
After the interview, we're supposed to go home (ugh boring) but Ms Reese advised us to roam around and seize the day! So we did and it was so much fun! I actually like lying down in grasses because I see a lot of excellent photoshoots in vasts and greens. In our school we don't have proper grasses for me to lie on so I grabbed the chance to lie on Ateneo Grasses! Oh-hoo~
We visited the church there :)
And had photo trippings on the road (photos will be in a different entry). We walked and walked and sat on the bleachers for a while… and had this amateur group picture. (Kuya Ac, me, Princess, Eloi)
And we went all the way to the gym to see this giant blue eagle and of course, to have our pictures taken with it! (Duh, it's my dream school so0o0o0o0o)
After that we decided to go to Kuya AC's place and on the way, we found this 'woods' spot and had some photo trippings as well. (pics = diff. entry) And in the middle of the 'woods', we found this enchanting water thing, which I don't know how to address.
And we went to Kuya AC's place and rested for awhile. Bid painful goodbyes (because we didn't want to leave) and went home.
Bottomline: soakd;lksdjgdksflgjk ;lsoaksjd;jawpijwapd ja;sljkd;lgsdcantexplainsohappy


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Division of Solid Waste Services
Tuesday, November 11, 2014 - Veterans Day: No County-provided recycling or trash collections on November 11; Tuesday through Friday pickups this week slide by one day. Transfer Station open with normal hours. Administrative offices closed.
See holiday details. Sign up for email or text holiday reminders.
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Recycling, Trash, & Yard Trim Programs
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Search Results for: social media
March 8, 2012
5 Social Media Strategies to Boost Your SEO
Solving Google's algorithmic puzzle is harder than ever, making search engine optimization a full-time occupation; companies are hiring crack programmers just to stay on top of the search rankings.
While ecommerce enterprises spend hours manipulating meta-tags and embedded HTML …
February 28, 2012
How Social Media Transformed Speck Products
Speck Products, which designs and sells premium form-fit protective cases for digital devices, wanted to boost its online sales and create a constant two-way dialogue with customers forming a sense of brand community.
So Speck hired Resource Interactive last May …
May 23, 2014
A 5-step Guide to Winning with Marketplaces
Marketplaces like Amazon and eBay have become an essential part of running an e-commerce business. But like so many things, they come with their pros and cons.
Pro: You gain greater visibility for your business and products.
Con: Your pricing …More...
May 22, 2014
Why Target Faces an Uphill Battle in Canada
Target this week announced Target Canada president Tony Fisher had departed the company, effective immediately.
If you look at Target Canada's first-quarter net sales of $393 million – a 357% increase over the same period in 2013 – you'll scratch your head.
But if you …More...
February 11, 2012
June 6, 2013
The Social, Local, and Mobile Mom
'Social, Local, Mobile' Changes the way Moms Interact with Brands (via PR Newswire)
Brand.net and Quaker Reveal Media Engagement and Activation Strategies for the 'SoLoMo' Mom SAN FRANCISCO, June 6, 2013 /PRNewswire/ — Brand.net, a Valassis (NYSE: VCI) Digital Company, …
June 2, 2013
Herschell Gordon Lewis: The Difference Between Social and Sociable
Too much time has passed for any of us to think of social media with the same attitudes we had when they first burst upon the communications horizon.
Then, we accepted the word "social" in its original classic form – sharing, …More...
June 2, 2013
Social and Gamification in Retail: A Recipe for Tremendous Growth
Gamification has moved beyond the realm of being a clever idea as it rapidly evolves into a key marketing and advertising tool for retailers and brands. According to a recent report by Gartner analyst Brian Burke, 50% of companies involved in …More...
May 14, 2014
4 Ways to Keep Customers' Shopping Carts Full through Checkout
As a customer, you can probably think of a slew of reasons to back out of an online purchase: maybe shipping costs were higher than you thought, the checkout process was confusing, or you got distracted and never finished the …More...
In Ecommerce, Must Reads
May 14, 2014
Hhgregg Aligns Itself with New Branding Purpose
The impetus of hhgregg's brand transformation came after the company's CEO articulated a branding purpose to "inspire and delight" its customers.
According to Julie Lyle, chief marketing officer for hhgregg, the overall goal for hhgregg is to fill …More...
In Must Reads


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They say love begins to fade 7 years into a relationship. The '7 year itch' they call it. The habits and actions you like in the beginning no longer seem cute. All you see are the dark parts of the relationship and hence the itchy irritation. I don't believe that. I met a girl 7… Read more »
All I want for Christmas
I stopped looking up to god for specific things a long time back. For it is possible that what I think I need or is good for me might not be. And also it wouldn't take god, if he exists, too long to realize that this kid only comes to me when he needs something…. Read more »
Beyond right and wrong – The lesson of Dussehra
Today is Dussehra, or Vijayadashmi as many call it. For those who do not know, without getting into much detail (which you can get here) I can tell you that this Hindu festival is celebrated because supposedly on this day many many years ago (Lord) Ram finally killed Ravan for having kidnapped his wife Sita…. Read more »
Ideas sometime kill ideas
An idea is the most potent as well as the most convoluted thing in the world. A simple looking idea could turn out to be a major hassle of life and an extremely complex seeming one can be as easy as the process of breathing itself. They distract us, excite us, entice us and haunt… Read more »
What we all should learn from bodybuilders
It is hard not to be impressed by a body builder. They the healthiest, most attractive and hardworking group of individuals you will find. But beyond these external features there is much more to body building and the individuals pursuing it. There is a whole different lifestyle and ethos of living from which we all,… Read more »
Entrepreneur Sympathy
If you follow some startup communities or have a social circle which has many entrepreneurs almost every day you will be exposed to new and fresh products or services or apps that beg for your feedback and support. It could approach you directly or could be as simple as a Facebook post or tweet introducing… Read more »
Why everyone should learn to drive
As I was driving over to meet a friend this Saturday, crisscrossing between the moderate traffic of a weekend, i came upon a realization. Driving, as a skill, is much more than just the ability or independence to transport ourselves from one place to another. There are a lot of lessons learning to drive or… Read more »
The long wait
A long time has been spent. Sitting here alone in the library. Waiting. Thousands came and went and only a few noticed. There was so much to say and so much to express. Some occassionally gave a glance but no one tried to go deep. This book will remain forever unread. Never borrowed. Forever alone…. Read more »
Lets do something thunderous today (aka Aaj kuch toofani karte hai)
As it is being very cleverly shown by the multitude of highly creative illustrations floating around on the social media we are but a tiny speck, a mere grain of sand, when compared to the grand scheme of the universe.We all live, breath, breed and disintegrate just like all the multi-cellular organisms that roam on… Read more »
What can I do to prevent rapes?
I usually know what I want to write about. I have a basic idea of what the central theme is and more or less the title as well. Today I don't have anything. There are millions of things in my mind and it is absolutely blank at the same time. Another rape happened. No. Another… Read more »