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A few years back the father of a woman I know shot himself because he couldn't take his chronic pain anymore. This guy was a highly educated man–a doctor, actually—but, despite all his knowledge and connections, could not find anything to relieve him besides smoking a little grass occasionally. Like I did in my suicidal moments, he added up the amount of probable years until his natural death, and when he arrived at a fat number like 30 or 40 (he was in his 50s), he simply felt he had no other alternative than to end his life.
I often think about him when I run across some readers on Beyond Blue that suffer from the brutal combination of chronic pain and depression. The fact that they don't point a gun to their heads, like my friend's father did, puts them into a category called "heroes," in my humble opinion.
Because depression is cruel enough. But then to have constant physical pain besides? I truly can't imagine, as a slight head ache or a runny nose is cause for incessant whining in this body.
I'm humbled by the struggles of people like Beyond Blue reader Elissa, who wrote this as a response to my post, "Complaint Free? Not!":
I've always tended to be a "complainer", about myself and others. It's always the same complaint and whining: I've been an insomniac my entire life since I was a child. I'm not talking about a few nights, weeks or months of this debilitating malady. But every night, every year, for nearly 50 years.
I defy anybody who has had chronic insomnia to not complain. I have family and friends who are so irritable, grouchy and uncommunicative if they've just missed one miserable night of sleep!
It's absolutely necessary to bare our souls, to tell the truth and not lie about our conditions, it's called humility.
Without spirituality and prayers, few of us could ever get through this vale of tears. It's one thing for people to say they're optimists, but I believe that God loves and endears us complicated souls who, through suffering, become so much closer to him than the cockeyed optimists!
And Beyond Blue reader Nancy, who wrote the following as a comment to Elissa's words:
These days my clinical depression is coupled with the illness of FM/CFS/ME [Fibromyaglia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Myalgic Encephalomyelitis]. It affects the entire central and autonomic nervous system. So another "cross" to pick up and drag along with me each day. That's if it allows me to get out of the bed.
Some things are just downright brutal, and yes, Elissa, I dare anyone to walk in your shoes and not complain.
If I didn't talk about it and oh, how I know about putting on a happy face, (probably most of us do here), I'd be self-destructing. Prayer is vital for me, as well.
There are those days where I hope for the relief and reprieve of the "suffering" and have Isaiah 40:31 on my bulletin board above my desk. In the meantime. I am grateful that God brought me to this Beyond Blue blog one messy day. It's a gift along with journey.
Thank you to all each day for your input and honesty. We're all coming together from different places and experiences, while helping and holding each other up and along. The encouragement I see here is so helpful. Being mostly housebound these days, it's a vital part of my connection to an arena of sharing that has been otherwise greatly diminished in my life.
"It's absolutely necessary to bare our souls, to tell the truth and not lie about our conditions, it's called humility." – Elissa, this may be my favorite line of all in your writing. It is essential.
Elissa and Nancy make me think that the key to living with chronic pain is the same as the requisite to coping with depression: support, support, support, and, of course, lots of prayer.
Because there are a percentage of us with chronic pain and/or mood disorders that will never find the right medication. Many unlucky souls will never be relieved, completely, of their pain. For those persons, our illness will forever remain our thorn in the side.
But that doesn't have to be the end of hope. Because we still have each other, and we have God. On the good days, that's enough. On the bad days … there's … um … well, prayer beads and Dove's dark chocolate squares???
We really do have some tough monkeys (meant as a compliment) at Beyond Blue – folks who are dealing with depression and pain. They are challenged to face the day but do so and share of their thoughts and words with us, in spite of the pain. And they speak of what hurts, whatever it might be. And it's sometimes frustrating that I've forgotten where I left my magic wand – because if I knew where it was I would surely wave it and make the pain go away.
We've spoken a bit about boundaries lately. And if you were trained in the old school, you might have been guilted into thinking that everything that goes wrong is your fault and you should, at a minimum, apologize. We all wish we could fix/heal ourselves and others. That would be wonderful.
Larry said something recently about I can't empathize but I can sympathize. I thought he made a good distinction. When we haven't experienced a kind of hurt that someone else is experiencing – whether emotional or physical, we really can't totally empathize even if it's very similar to our experience. It's pretty personal – what You are or I am going through. But we can support. That's a good word – support. It makes me think of an old painting, perhaps from the Revolutionary War – and a wounded soldier is leaning on a comrade as they walk together. We do walk together and it's surely a comfort to be able to lean on another, even if it's just for a moment or two.
My pain is caused by something called avascular necrosis of the left hip. As time goes by it has become very painful. My mother suffered from rumitoid arthritis for 20 years, it is very debilitating and quite painful. We ( my family members) could never really understand why she was so grummpy alot of the time. Now I know why she was crabby and short tempered and yes angry alot. I now have a greater respect for what she went through, and what others go through who deal with chronic pain everyday. My pain will subside when I can get a hip replacement, It will end, or at least lessen. This experience has made me more compassionate and understanding of those who suffer everyday with physical PAIN. Perhaps GOD means for us to develope our compassion and empathy so we can be of help to those around us who suffer( JUST LIKE THERESE HAS). Remembering that we are blessed with this extra understanding and Empathy is the difficult everyday task that is set before us. To step outside ourselves is heroic, that there are people like Therese and all of us here on BB, supporting each other is a miracle. Thanks for being the hero and thanks for starting this miracle. I will speak for alot of us and say WE LOVE YOU THERESE.
I went through five years of chronic back pain which had a drastic effect on my quality of life. Part of the treatment involved working out in a rehab center. I always used to judge older crabby people in a very dismissive way. It was only when I had to deal with 24-hour pain myself, that I developed a bit of understanding and compassion for people who have it worse than I did. It wears down your reserves, you can't sleep properly,and you work hard to be courteous to people you would rather slap upside the head.
That old saw "walk a mile in my shoes…." certainly applies to me. I didn't have a clue until I did.
re: "Larry said something recently about I can't empathize but I can sympathize. I thought he made a good distinction. When we haven't experienced a kind of hurt that someone else is experiencing – whether emotional or physical, we really can't totally empathize even if it's very similar to our experience. It's pretty personal – what You are or I am going through. But we can support. That's a good word – support. It makes me think of an old painting, perhaps from the Revolutionary War – and a wounded soldier is leaning on a comrade as they walk together. We do walk together and it's surely a comfort to be able to lean on another, even if it's just for a moment or two."
Posted by: Frank | January 10, 2008 10:36 AM
Frank and Larry,
This post – it's attitude – is why I am very proud that you are my friends.
love, hugs, and Blessings,
I think folks know my own view of 2 Corinthians 12 (I never went to divinity school, so take it for what it's worth — probably little).
But even I must admit the "thorn in my own side" is largely — not entirely, but largely — metaphorical.
When I chat on BB and elsewhere, with Nancy L. from N.J. with her autoimmune and CFS/FM issues, Margaret B. with her diabetes, and Elissa and so many others on BB (and in the world at large) who have to deal with LITERAL thorns in their side in addition to depression, all I can say is "Ouch!"
"Ouch!" in sympathizing with their excruciating pain, and "Ouch!" at being just a little bit solipsistic about my own.
FYI – Solipsistic
1. Philosophy: the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.
2. extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.
Larry, I, personally, do not find you to be either if these :-p
Larry: I second Cully's "diagnosis" above! A solipistic individual doesn't even CARE that someone else is hurting, let alone reach out to try and help. I rest my case.
i know about putting on the happy face but unfortunatly that doesnt always work.i to have depression and artharitis so some day one can barely get up.but have found this sight and meeting peope who have walked in my shoe you realize that maybe you not so bad off.especialy when you hear other peoples stories. the support here is realy great.
Margaret and Cully:
I appreciate the compliment, but when I'm in the black hole …
Also, have you read this (written when I was deeply depressed)? Cully, I'm pretty sure you have … (http://)
WOW! I am so happy that God led me to Beliefnet! I opened a profile and began scrolling through all of the topics and when I found this one "Beyond Blue" I felt a sense of relief like I have never felt before ever since being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia/Osteoarthritis/IBS/Diverticulitis/Depression…& Menopause. It has brought me down from once being a very active and hard working woman to a lady who struggles to get out of bed let alone go for her daily walks. I have called out to God on many occassions to speak to the hearts of some people who think it is all in my head. "I have that too but you don't see me lying around feeling sorry for myself!"…are just some of the comments I have heard. I am not the type of woman to "whine" and I most certainly try my hardest to "put on the face", but some days are just too painful.
I, too, knew a good friend, a Registered Nurse, who couldn't stand the pain anymore and she walked into the roaring, icy cold river and drowned. There have been times when I lay in pain unable to move and questioned God "Why am I even alive because this is not living, Lord."
I am grateful to finally have found someone who understands. Praise the Lord!
you guys are much smarter than I am. I had to look up the word "solipsistic." Actually I didn't look it up. But I agree that you definitely aren't that. Therese
Welcome aboard, Glad-Chick!! If you are a member of the B-Net community come over and join the BeyondBlue Group… if not – become a member and join us.
re: "I appreciate the compliment, but when I'm in the black hole … :-("
Posted by: Larry Parker | January 10, 2008 5:07 PM
Oh paleeeze… we have dealt with you when you were in the black hole (maybe not as personally as some but still – we have wrestled with you). You are a good person most of the time and what happens other times is something that we have all been or are going through our own selves.
Cully (and I'm not just fluffing your ego either)
Interesting thing, the evolution of words ! I have some serious problems and objection with that. the problem arises when people ass0une the meaning of words, to are too lazy to look them up. and the they evolve to other meanings and sometimes 180 degrees in the opposite direction … Example Con-sacrat -means against the sacred … Prohibited – means, for to have ! That obviously is not the common understanding, that everbody ass-umes! According to Webster –
solipsism (from L. solus-alone, and ipse-self …
In philosophy, the theory (and only a theory!)
(a)- that the self, can only be aware of nothing, but it's own experiences and states
(b)- the theory (still a theory)that nothing exists or is real but the self
This is the kind of stuff that Neale Donald Walsh is peddling in his Conversations With God, Blog and books. For me, I ain't buying it !
But of course, in a solipsistic state, you are in a black vacuum like the ever-tightening vortex inside a tornado. So you would think you are alone and helpless in the world.
Kind of like you do (in my experience, and I'm sure that of a lot of other BB members) when you are brutally depressed.
No, I don't think I'm a "solipsistic person." But I am I "there" sometimes? Oh yes, oh yes …
Good perspective. Though I said (and say) I can be solipsistic — not that I'm a bad or evil person.
Naughty, sometimes … ;-P
Drop the first "I" in my last sentence to Mat.
(The perfectionist writer in me hates not being able to edit in the comboxes. It must drive you … well, someplace … too, Therese!)
Larry, We're ALL naughty sometimes (Thank Goodness…or should that be "badness,Wisdum?)Perfectionist you might be, but doesn't the thought of truly being perfect (even if it WEAS possible) sound kind of boring?
Well, that's why I'm mischievous (like my dog!) and sarcastic, LOL!
Wisdum, funny you should mention NDW… I don't go there (anymore), it is/was just too unhealthy. Maybe when he started out it was different but thing$ have changed and it seems like he has lost his compass.
Re Cully | January 11, 2008 2:04 PM
Wisdum, funny you should mention NDW… I don't go there (anymore), it is/was just too unhealthy.
Hi Cully, I agree with you, but as they suggested to me the other day "Perhaps you should go to a site that you're more comfortable with, like a Christian site"… My response "I'm not here for comfort !" There is a whole lot of half truth there, and I'm a big fan of "The price of Liberty is eternal vigilance" (Thomas Jefferson)
Maybe when he started out it was different but thing$ have changed and it seems like he has lost his compass.
** He hasn't lost his compass at all, he is redirecting everybody else's compass. This is the New Age of Aquarius, and a lot of spiritual leaders are vying for the position of the New Messiah! … "Lust for money is the root of ALL evil" That site is suffering drastically from (I AM)God Syndrome ! The most important thing that Neale has said (and was confirmation, or profirmation for me) is that God speaks to everybody all the Time. That does not mean that we are ALL crazy or ALL God (duh!) Now if we can ALL learn to just listen to God, and learn something about Uncompromising, Unconditional Love, perhaps the world will finally see that "Peace will come to the planets and there, there will, be LOVE !"
Wisdum, they actually told you to go to a *Christian* site… how very telling on their part since he uses Jesus as a hook when it suits him.
I still say it's not a healthy place and if you spend time there then you are not spending time productively – something is keeping you there spinning your wheels. Except for Michelle, I don't think anyone there thinks for themselves; and, the one's that don't speak english… what kind of a translation are they reading?
I think you are right about the G-d Syndrome, seeing people writing to/about him as if he speaks for G-d and him not responding to say he is not… well, it's not a healthy place.
Maybe you should think about leaving too… see Luke 9:2-5.
love and Blessings,
I've heard one too many sanctimonius preachers going on about "God spoke to me today and he said…" As if he's got an exclusive hotline or something. This being the #1 reason I left the catholic church a l-o-n-g time ago. Like I need all that guilt…puh..lease! I found spirituality far more forgiving and far less judgemental. I am referring to organised religon and not biblical study.
As far as "grace under suffering" is concerned I have always admired my grandmother. She was bedridden the last 20 years of her life and if anyone had a "right to gripe" it was her. Yet she always managed to bring a smile and a story to everyone who visited her. She was definitely a hero to me and my family. Now my father is going through a bad time with chronic back pain and he is so much like her! Unfortunately it's driving my less stoic Mom crazy! She does'nt "get" his need to not complain and ask for pain medication. She also does'nt take critisism of any kind well. (that includes my well intended advice) I know she's HSP so I mostly just agree and sympathise. I don't envy her life right now either, counting out some 20 medications everyday. (makes my view of the future pretty grim…better not go there)
I myself know what its like to live in constant pain. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, lupus, neuropathy, I've had TIA's, anxiety and panic attacks. The doctors tend to treat me as if the pain is just all in my mind but its real. Ive been on different meds but so far nothing has really helped too much. I also have insomnia and have had it since I was a kid. Ive tried ambien and lunesta but it didnt work. The pain is so bad some times that I just want to end it all but I keep going for my kids. I try not to cry in front of them but sometimes I cant help it.
As a sufferer of rheumatoid arthritis (RA), I know just how the guy with the gun feels. The only difference is, I think more about what effect my death would have on my sons. I grew up without the benefit of a mother or father and would not deny my sons the opportunity of having both. The psychological pain of watching other children interact with a loving parent was far worse than the physical pain I must now endure. Honestly, if not for my boys, I would have ended this existence years ago.
i too suffer from depression and fibromyalgia. i have one other thing going for me…I am a recovering alcoholic. i did say one thing going for me. the 12 steps of alcoholics anonomous saved my life in regard to my alcoholism. they also have saved my life in regard to dealing with my depression and chronic pain. they have taught me to accept what i cant change. they have brought me into a deep relationship with God. some days I cant do any normal daily activities due to pain and lack of concentration but i can still repeat the serenity prayer. i can use that time for quiet reflection and prayer. there is always a glimmer of hope in my life even on the worse of days. i have learned i can be reasonably happy in this life and eternally happy in the next. my prayers go out to all who suffer from debilitating disease. there is always Hope. noonsun
I have been blessed with SLE Lupus, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma stage IV and Depression. I say blessed because I suffer each day with not only mental pain but horriable physical pain and only God knows how I don't let hope wander into hopelessness. There are days I wish the pain would go away and I would feel normal or because I don't look sick I don't have to hear from people who say "you don't look sick." I take each day at a time…and pray that I will survive long enough to see and enjoy my wish list.
I sometimes feel so very isolated by my pain and depression being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, as well as several other dibilitating chronic conditions. My 2nd divorce was devastating and I was very ill and was forced to leave everything I knew and loved and move to a very small town in SC. Although I had a couple of family members in that area I fell into a very deep depression and grew even more sick. It's 11 years later and I am finally able to see the lessons I needed to learn from all that misery. I understand that there are many injustices in life and still struggle with my frustration over that but I am trying to come to a sense of balance in that with all the pain and depression I still have so much to be grateful for and those lessons although very brutal were hard fought and I can take some comfort in knowing I survived them somewhat intact and a better and less judgemental person and in fact that may be part of the purpose of these lessons….to help us become less judgemental of those not necessarily in our positions but any position. To stretch our compassion for all others and learn to love and accept everyone wirh all thier faults and frailties.
I know what it is like to live with chronic pain daily. I to suffer from depression and fibromyalgia. I also have arthritis and all the cartilage in my joins is disintegrating. I have severe nerve damage and muscle spasms across my chest and into my sides so bad I sometimes think I am going to brake a rib from it when I turn my head or my body. Coughing or laughing will trigger off the muscle spasms as well. Many times my family have to hit the muscle or massage them to get them to reliese. I broke my neck and damaged my spinl collem when in my late teens. As I have gotten older the pain has become worst. Now at 56 yrs old I can no longer stand for more then 5-10 minutes at a time. I can't sleep well because of the pressure it puts on me and makes the pain escalate. Due to my neck I have migraines that destroy my ability to cope and depression sometimes takes over. I know my doctor can't do much for me and I can't take pain medication. My husband and I are raising 2 of our grandchildren and I know I must keep strong for them. They are now at a age where they can help me around the house as I can no longer do most of the chores that I use to do. My family and my love for the Lord is what help me get through every day. There are days when I'm not sure how much more I can take but I won't give up or give in. I offer the pain up to God and ask for His help daily. Someday I will be with Him and this will all be behind me. I tell my family that when that day comes to be happy for me because I will then be much alive with the Lord and living pain free.
my daughter has FM, Reynaults,and RSD. she suffers constantly. I pray for Gods' blessings.
keep hope each and everyone of you . janet
I love this site and the input from you all! Sometimes,I felt so alone and am new to computers. I looked around for chat rooms with people going through some of the same things that I have and still do. I still haven't found a chat room. I'm still not sure how to find one.
I can't say that I'm glad that anyone is experiencing difficulties.
But I am glad that at least I'm not crazy and thar their are others who understand.
I have dealt with PTSD,due to the sudden death of my father (he was my best friend),the sudden death of my 5 month old son(SIDS) 4 1/2 months later,and the still birth of my daughter 7 months later.This was all in 13 months time,while fighting my exhusband for custody of my 4 other children because he didn't want to pay child support.
Not long after all of this and 4 times since,I have watched someone close to me die of cancer.
I went to a woman with mental health for a time.Nearing a year of my step dads death from cancer,it felt like the entire world was crashing in on me.I had an African Gray parrot who was finally starting to mimic the sounds that she had been hearing for so many months( I took her with me to care for him)and one of the sounds that she did really well,was the moans and screams that she heard as a baby.For those who arent familiar with birds,they are the greatest imitators of all!
All this combined,I had reached the end of my rope.
I called Carole( the mental health counselor)I told her how I was feeling and asked her for an appointment. She informed me that she was working with new parolees with drug and alcohol problems and told me that she could not help me unless I was drinking.I told her that I didn't want anything to drink,that I just needed a referral. She told me to go to the nearest E.R. I told her that it wasn't an emergency and that I wasn't thinking about harming my self or anyone else,that I just needed to talk to someone,that it was too painful for my family because there had just been too many blows to discuss it with them.
She finally said,"D*** it Deb,I can't do anything for you unless you're drinking!" I was devistated and angry by now, feeling so helpless.I snapped back at her. "Thanks a lot! I will be when I call you back! This ridiculouse!!" Stupidly,I was and I did !!
Next thing I know,here comes a sheriff's deputy,I'm taken to the hospital,committed to a regional hospital for alcoholics and drug addicts.Without the resident physician ever having so much as an interview with me,told my family that she thought that I may be bi-polar.She never examined me. Never interviewed me.They put me on all these medications and ordered me to see a psychiatrist weekly with the promise of commitment if I missed an appointment.
I was sick all of the time.I really did start having problems with depression and gained 30 pounds.I tried to tell this to the doctor with Mental Health and he just never seemed to aknowledge anything that I had to say.Thank God,I have a very good family doctor.
She really wasn't my doctor,but was new to the office where my family goes and was who I saw that day. She did something that my regular doctor never did.She listened! She actually listened!i told her how since I had started taking those medications,it felt like a dark,black cloud in my brain,how much weight I had gained,how normaly,I was a pretty out going person.That I was beginning to have headaches,all of it. She did something that I hadn't seen the first doctor do.She sat down and READ my chart!! She was concerned with the sudden weight gain (I'm not quite 5'2″ and small framed)she ordered blood tests and sent me to another therapist. She wanted contact information for the origional counselor,the psychiatrist and told me to stop taking the medication. She told me that she waas so sorry that I had been through so much and that she could see why I had become afraid of doctors.
She also prayed with me!She also said that I knew my self and my body better than anyone else and to listen to my body. I told her that I was going back to the doctor with Mental Health one more time and to tell him that I never contacted anyone for a bunch of drugs that I didn't need,that I was just looking for a support group or a counselor to help me cope with such a brutal death and the loss of someone who had been there my entire life even after my mom passed right after my father.
He yelled at me and told me that I had better have a d***ed good reason for not taking the meds.I told hom.I also told him that what the people in the bi-polar group was saying didn't sound anything like me.After calling my personal physician a know it all,and much going round and round between the two of us,he didn't just flip through my file and go uh-huh,um-hmm. He started reading. Then to this day,what he said still shocks and scares me, especially for other people. "You know?, I can't quite fit you into Bi-Polar!!"
I responded to that by saying, "I'm not here for you to fit me into anything!I'm here for you to he;p me figure out what really is and to help me to deal with it with out drugs!" He then say's,"I have a booklet that I want you to read,then answer the questions and see if this sounds like you ! then go through the booklet on Bi-Polar and do the same. I believe that you may be suffering from PTSD.We'll get you straightened out soon!" I've never been back!
Had someone taken the time to actually read my records,conferred with my previous counselor,talked with me or listened when I did tell them something,they would have known that it was PDSD all along and that I had been having panic attacks for years because after so many tragic blows one on top of the other,that I suffered from selective amnesia.
We're not sure if I'll ever get all of my memory back. No one really understands how that works. When I get headaches,it's a good thing.My doctor and I both understand me well enough now to know that these lead to a new memory.my counselor now, is my pastor.
I am 48. A mother of 6. five of those are my natural children.16 grand children 11 of which are mine naturaly.And I'm a very blessed woman.
Unfortunatly,a lot of the lost memories are of my kids being small,so when I get a little of that back,it's a true blessing.
I have been living with chronic pain. I have 2 degenerative discs and a buldging disc. I take medication only when I absolutly can't stand it anymore. some days are bad.But I get by with a little help from my friends.A great and wise pastor,a wonderful,caring doctor who will send you to someone who can deal with a problem that she can't. A lot of prayer,the best family and the best yet. Our wonderful,loving God.
Thank You.
Deby Herndon
I snapped back,
I do not share at all in the pain you are speaking of. But I have lots of arthritus and grew up with terrible migraine headaches. And all of my ailments are not so bad anymore. When I get a headache or get out of bed and it takes moving a while before I can act normal. I have learned to offer my pain for someone else's suffering. I say a little prayer telling God if I have to hurt, please let it be for good for someone. And I truly mean it from my heart. I am on no medication and have a very good, happy life. Try it, I hope it helps you to deal with some of you pain.
I can relate to the article by Deby Herndon. I also suffer from
Fibromyalgia and arthritis and degenerative bone problems. My
right knee stays swollen and hurts so bad I can't hardly walk. I
am waiting on the decision of Social Security Disability because
I cannot work. I have nerve damage in my right leg and foot from
waiting too long for surgery on a buldging disc resting on a nerve
root. I have to take muscle relaxers to help me sleep and the
meds they gave me for arthritis is not working. I have osteo-
arthritis in my hands from many years on the computer at work.
I am going to a mental health facility for depression.
I am a child of God who loves me and I know he will help me through
whatever comes my way. I lost my husband less than a year ago so I
still cry and days I do not want to get out of the house. The cold
weather does not help either.
Prayer is a wonderful thing and we need to pray for one another to
help us go through each day.
Thanks You,
Carolyn Massey
I was dx with FMS, CF, osteoarthritis and sleep apnea about 6 years ago. I have been medically retired 5 yrs. I've seen some very good doctors; but not all doctors can understand b/c they are human beings with their own opinions, experiences, etc. While I certainly value a doctor's opinion, I feel the patient must also arm him/herself with as much info as possible about one's health. IMHO, many people take what doctors say as the "gospel." Or, they don't like the doctor. As the one writer said, " you know your own body better than anyone else." This is so true. I'm always amazed at the number of people who say, "I don't want to read about (my illness) because it would be obsessing about it." Well, not reading about a doctor's diagnosis and remaining ignorant is just plain foolhardy. Read everything you can get your hands on, if for no other reason than you can converse with your healthproviders intelligently. And, don't be afraid to disagree or change doctors!
Ionnette, the first thing you need to so is address the sleep problem. I have taken Ambien for about 5 years. I also wear a CPAP to aid the sleep apnea. Please take care of one problem at a time starting with sleep. When you can sleep well, you can deal with the others, too.
Don't expect others to understand what you are going through. They just aren't able to feel what you're feeling. They probably have enough on their plate. I remember being angry b/c my family just didn't understand. One daughter actually said to me, "Believe it or not, you are not the only person in the world with problems." I'm sure she won't remember saying that, but I guess there is a ring of truth to it. I finally got to the point where it just didn't matter if anyone (other than my healthcare givers) understood my pain.
Please take care of yourself and get the help you need. There are many good doctors out there. And, we care!
I to have been diagnosed with ostieoarthritis had c-spine surgury and have degeneritive disc disease and sleep apnea and a ruptured disk in my L-1 L-2 who was on Vioxx for 4 years and nearly had a heart attack, after all of this the best that my Dr. can do is Morphine twice a day and sleep with my Bipap machine However i quit complaining because as your readers pointed out, no one can begin to understand the pain that you suffer from every day either you hurt or you are too drugged up to function. I still have my dreams and in my dreams I am young again having fun and pain free until I wake up in pain. But when your dreams become better than real life, then It's time to rethink your life. So when the time comes for me I will not complain about it because I know that the life after has got to be better than the life I have now. Hang in there everyone and no need to complain. {God Bless Us All}!!
Hi,I just wanted to let the people who are in pain and that are going through depression on this blog know that I will pray for you.I have had Depression on and off for years and I know it will get better,so hang in there.Lots of love and god bless!
I think my comment on Therese's "Come, Holy Spirit" homily on Monday the 14th, about "acceptance vs. defiance," certainly applies here as well …
Cronic pain is no picnic. Especially when you either can't take the pain medications (allergies for me) or they just don't do the job. I was lucky in that the worst of my could be repaired with a total knee replacement. But when you only get one good(?) night of sleep in three, it's hard to go to work and face people. Luckily, my co-workers knew why I always looked so tired. I have osteoarthritis so there's always pain someplace. I considered going to one of those pain management clinics but somehow learned to tolerate it most of the time without going.
However, if you're prone to depression, it's a hard battle when pain is added.Serious chronic pain will make you depressed. If you give in to the depression, then you end up with other ailments. Things like high blood pressure, stomach problems, muscle spasms, and a whole bevy of other aliments. Depression and lack of sleep wears down your immune system.
My roommate thinks I stay active and always doing things because i'm hyper or something. It's not the case at all. I do it to maintain a stronger sense of well-being. Even when I'd rather just crawl in bed and sleep all day like today.
I too suffer from depression and chronic pain. My sister, Carolyn, also suffered from the same. On March 1, 1994, she ended her life because she could no longer find relief the "normal" way.
She had turned to street drugs and they were killing her, so, she put a gun in her 53-year-old mouth and ended her life. She too was an intelligent woman who worked as a supervisor for the Census Bureau, and had so much going for her. Yet, her baby girl (31 at the time) was a crack addict and was breaking her heart on a daily basis.
Currently, I am raising two of my grandchildren because my baby girl (29) is an addict (pain pills). Life is rough, and there are days when I literally stay in bed with the covers over my head because of lack of energy, and my pain is so bad I can't move. I'm only allowed so much medication…
If it wasn't for my faith I honestly don't know what I would do…and many, many times…it waivers.
Yes, as a fellow sufferer of depression and chronic pain , I think that you have to get it off your chest every once in a while or you will explode. This is my third recurrence of back pain and I have another problem, but I won't get into it, but it can be very depressing and make you feel hopeless somedays. But I do hold on to my faith and am closer to God and seek an even deeper relationship with Him Daily.. I have had thoughts that I would had never thought I would have because of the pain and they bother me. I am on pain Meds but I am in no way pain free. The medicine that I need is almost $200 and I am just trying to do the best I can with what I already have. I try to find something good everyday, just look around, there is always someone worse off than you. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP AND HANG ON, GOD IS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU, NEVER FORGET THAT!!!
My mother was a weird person.. so to say…when my father used to complain of any sort of pain, like for example a rheumatic arm she would always tell him basically to shut up and not complain.. rather cruel indeed.. So it is hard for me to express and talk about my own pain …. My father suffered a lot… at the end he lived for a year with a fractured elbow..and the doctors missed it so he was not treated properly… I was not there to take care of him… I left my family when I was 27 years old and I've never came back… I couldn't actually deal with so much pain and dysfunction…
I live alone now, and I'm pretty much on my own… I guess that is better that to live under the same roof like someone like my mother…although for sure there are plenty of wonderful people in this world…
Depression and pain are for sure not very good companions…. I do know pretty much about both…and sure those who manage to move on despite so much sorrow are for sure heroes…
I look at the heros word a little stronger than most in my position. I am a stay at home mom of 4 and my husband has a back injury that causes him severe pain 24/7. On top of the pain he works 2 full time (80 hours) jobs. He provides everything for our family. However it is hard for him to cope when he feels he has no time for anything else including spending quality time with our family. He gets depressed and than he just wants to be alone but as his wife I need a break to from the kids so I try to keep him happy and let him sleep as often as possible so he will feel better. I pray for everyone everyday that has to go thru what our family goes thru I wish everyone the best and I will continue to pray for each and everyone of them everyday.
Chronic pain can cause depression. Depression can cause chronic pain. I've been on multiple medications & nothing seems to help. Most days, I'm lucky to get out of bed at all – between the pain & the depression, I understand why people "give up." Thank god there are places like this – to read the trials and solutions of others, to know that I am not all alone, others are like me – to have somewhere to "go" where others understand. It's not like I choose to be this way – but my family & friends can't even begin to comprehend how I've become this shut in – they all tell me to "suck it up & get on with life." If only it were that easy…
Pain sometimes it's difficult to explain or to pinpoint its causes, especially in cases like Fibromyalgia. This is a condition that many believe it's caused by some brain responses to stimuli.
There are not medical tests to prove this or to prove that Fibromyalgia is present or a disease, regardless of how many hotly defend this condition as valid.
I know a very insiduous woman with a Ph.D. in Psychology that suffers from this condition. In her case it's difficult not to say she's ill, and it's also difficult to attribute it to malingering as well.
I used to work with this person and whenever things got 'hot' at work or whenever she didn't get her way, she'd be felled by a sudden attack of fibromyalgia and that would get her off work, with pay, for weeks or months. This became a joke around the office and it was easy to predict when she was going to suffer an attack. The difficult part was that whenever she felt healed enough to come back she'll throw fits of anger when she'd realized that things had happened while she was away. She'd fire lawsuit and complaints against all and sundy and at the end of the "attack" period she'd be down again with fibromyalgia.
It was ludicrous and maddening at the same time and for her it must have been sheer hell because, invariably, everyone around her either disliked her or down right despised her.
I do believe that she suffered pain, but was her pain from her own brain misfiring or reacting to her panic or was she just pushing the envelope? Difficult to say, only that at the moment she's shot just about every meaningful chance to have a rewarding and successful career and has to rely on imposing her Doctor title on others in order to feel good about herself.
@Nana, yes! Pain=Depression, Depression=Pain. I've experienced this many times. It's not my intent to sound dismissive, since there are many people suffering from chronic pain, but whenever i begin to feel depressed I get myself into the things that I know will distract my mind from firing some responses that I don't need, like wishing I was dead or hibernating in my cave for days or weeks.
I know some are beyond a simple approach but anything positive that takes us out of our inner contemplation and our gauging of every little twitch and discomfort, helps a lot.
I hear you so well. I, too, have lived with the pain of depression, now bipolar due to medications and fibromyalgia and other cronic pain issues that only get worse with time and will never get better. I used to have faith that was so strong until I grew up and realized that it seems only the good people are the ones who become like Job. We face poverty due to our illnesses and the treatments so desperatly needed such as medications not covered by medicaid, massage, accupunture (kept me near pain free when I could afford it) and other therapies are out of our reach. I have lived this long only because my exhusband was a batterer and we have two beautiful sons who needed protection. We live with my parents in hell because I can no longer work and am trying and failing at official dissability. Luckily my sons will both soon be of age and my pain can finally be over. I'd pray I can make it that long if I could still believe.
I hear you out there. I have walked the mile in your shoes, with the whole nine yards along with cancer. It took a lot of years, dark nights of the soul, and could not even eat the dark chocolate for years. Cried when I fst heard I could have strawberries. But when I started to deal with the inner child ..my fst course, than dealing and with the past, not trying to change anything but myself, to know the self. to learn to listen instead of bringing in all the traditions knowledge, and learning that was submerged in my memorey file, that tends to dominate our lives as we are molded by such I started to let go and live for the moment knowing God from the spiritual beautiful you is knowing that you have the right to be and to listen is to hear him through that beautiful you. Prayer has to be consistant ..but to mistake god for what has been stored in memory by knowledge, life, and living …is just a memory bank.. that file that we have stored away from knowledge, that we have submerged that is fiction…not of the self…The Book of life..is a guide to those who can take the time to listen..while you read.
I think a lot of people on BB know this, but for those who don't (and for our many newcomers), I started wearing a CPAP three-and-a-half years ago.
I have to say that, in hindsight, it marked a slow but steady improvement in my mood that my recent medication change cemented. You literally can't fight this disease if you can't sleep …
I am 47 and was touched by the article of the educated man that took his life because of chronic pain. I have ligaments and cartilage out in both knees (about 8 months), and I also have discs (L1,L2,L3, and L5) in my back so far out of alignment from being rear ended at a stop light that I have been in chronic pain for more than 3 years.
I tend to wake every day wondering why I even bother. I am also diagnosed with manic depression, ADHD, bi-polar, intermintant rage syndrom, and have fought off drug addicttion so far for 12 years. It is becoming more than I can bear with each wake-up. I have not slept more than 4 hours in a night since I can remember.
I cannot afford health insurance, nor the cost of meds of treatment. I am so close to ending it myself, that I am amazed at myself for not doing it. If not for my mother having to bury me, I would have long ago.
Well here I am at age 67 still shoveling crap against the tide.
At age 13 I was blessed with polio at age 18 I broke my left foot.
Everyday is filled with pain, bad heart stopping almost, pain and more pain. Now because of walking with crutches all my life my shoulders, wrists, and elbows are shot.
Maybe it feels better to write this but I don't think so.
I haven't worked since 1989, do the math, missed retirement age by a bunch.
I am blessed in the fact that I have a couple of hobbies that I love dearly. They keep me going and getting out of bed.
WHY won't the Drs believe patients and give them something good for pain.Are the afraid of us becomming addicts. How long of a habbit will I have after all I am 67. Please let me have a few years without pain.
My poor wife has to suffer with my pain too. What effects me effects her.
Thanks for listening. ls
Therese, this is a very interesting story for me. I, too, am a physician, and 5 years ago had a very long operation which relieved me of a large, cancerous tumor but left me with chronic chest pain. I've tried many different types of therapies because fortunately I have very good health insurance coverage, but after all this time, the only thing that seems to work is a moderate and controlled course of narcotic pain relievers. Though the narcotics work pretty well, they do have side effects. Fortunately, tolerance and addiction to the drugs have not occurred even after five years, but I don't get quality deep sleep. I get groggy during the day and conk out frequently so that I'm often awake at night because I've slept during the day. This really throws off my normal circadian rhythms (I never had problems sleeping prior to my operation) and makes holding down a regular job quite a challenge. The combination of the sleep deprivation, continued pain and the narcotics has, I believe, led me to depression, though I doubt it is as severe as yours, and what I consider to be uncharacteristic thoughts and behavior. As with some of the other people who have commented, I've experienced a decline of faith, or at least, an intellectual and spiritual challenging of what I've believed for many years along the lines of traditional, orthodox Christianity (similar to your views) so that after all this time, my physical, mental, and spiritual infrastructures seem to be slowly imploding. My disease process seems altogether without the extreme upswings and downswings which you experience but is more like a gradual but persistent decline, and I can see how this physician of whom you write could have eventually decided to end it all. Your writing here of your struggles certainly helps, at least for the time being, to put things into a perspective which makes me see that someone with similar beliefs but much more severe symptoms has somehow dealt with the ups and downs of this consuming disease, so thanks for taking the time to put so much of yourself into your writing. I'm sure it's benefitting many and creates discussions also from which a lot of good information can be derived. May God bless you and keep you! Gorobei
I have spent way to many time in those shoes. Unfortunately, in this country if you have pain you are seen as a criminal. In other peoples minds you routinely take a narcotic therefore are a drug addict and therefore a criminal, and therefore treated as such. The harder that I try to make sure I am not acting inappropriately, the worse it gets.
Facing life with this as the future is truly terrifying and there are days that suicide seems like the light at the end of the tunnel.
Horrible but true.
Reading Gorobeis reply above it makes me kind of crazy, he is a doctor and yet he has yet to read that European doctors have found that the rate of addiction in people who actually need pain meds is low, its seems that you are more likely to become addicted to cigarettes or alchol, not to mention the mitigating factor of genetics. Physical addiction is truly a rare thing.
I have weaned myself off of my meds a number of times and there is no craving. I take them like another person would Tylenol, it takes the pain away enough to function and does not make me groggy.
I wish things were different but they are not. It is a sad state of affairs when America supposedly has some of the best medical care in the world yet sick people are treated like criminals.
RE; Rodney…I can't tell you how many times I felt like you do now. I prayed for the courage (or cowardice )to end my life. My pain was (is )mental and emotional but just as real to me. But my sister -in-law did eat her husband's gun and the grief she left behind (my brother's, 4 sweet children) her Mom, Dad, and brother) When you take your own life …you take every one who's ever loved you and devastate them. Your life matters to someone beyond yourself. Please try to find any reason to stay with us a bit longer. You are not alone in this…We hear you!!!
I have a lot of hip pain . But I have to focus on the good and wonderful things in life otherwise I too would be overwhelmed by depression. I encourage each of you to find a hobby of volunteer to work in the school and help children. They will help you relive your lives. Their ability to bounce back and find joy in everything will help you to experience happiness again. I am a teacher and I love going to work each day. I sometimes want to call in sick but I know that the pleasure I get at work each day is much better than the rest I would get if I stayed home. If you don't like children then volunteer at something you enjoy and you will have a reason to live.
Guys I can't believe everything you have gone through. I suffer from depression and bipolar disorders. Sometimes I feel so blue that the idea of ending with my life have cross my mind more than once. there are times when I feel I can't take it anymore….but then I think about my family and my friends and that brings me back to reality. I know that they would be debastated if I would do something like that. I guess what keeps me going is faith and hope that my life will probably be different tomorrow…that keeps me going. I know that someday God will cure me completely and that my situation will change. It feel good to know that you are not alone and that there are so many people around you that can help….We just need to be positive and and have faith that tomorrow will be a better day…and that internal suffering will go away……….May God bless you all………Love
My father had chronic pain and depression (not sure which came first), and he drank himself to death. Cirrhosis of the liver was the final cause of his death, but being in constant pain put him there. He was finally diagnosed with fibrocitis late in his life, but at that point it was too late, and anyway there wasn't much they could do for it then. I have since heard that FMS is caused either by Lyme disease or by adrenal fatigue, and that it can be treated with diet, antibiotics, and supporting the adrenals with hydrocortisone. I wish I'd known that then. He's been dead for almost 13 years now. Chronic pain robbed my of my father.
Yes I know pain SUCKS! But if you keep busy and keep your mind off of things by reading and doing stuff that can make you proud of yourself then you step up– not into the hole. Personally I can live with physically pain easier than I can live with financial pain. When you get behind there, that makes me feel like sh–! Try working without gas to get there. Try going to work starving and have no money to buy food. Try working in a nice place and not being able to dress the part. Then put on the smiley face phasod and pretend life is grand and you cannot complain or express your humility because you need insurance without preexisting conditions. Then try to have a good relationship with your child who feels that you should easily be able to earn more than you do so he doesn't even talk to you anymore. At least you all have a roof over your heads and probably money coming in weekly or monthly. I got hurt and messed up on antidepressants and got behind. It cost me big time. I felt like someone was poisoning me with mercury or something while going through the transition of different meds and quitting smoking. Hell, I had more energy and productivity and happiness when I smoked than I do now. Now I am just blah, and oh yeah, " grounded " I suppose I can pass a drug test but my memory is only good with certain things. I am getting better with it though. Anyway, enough of me whining. The best things that work are the following:
1) walks or sitting outside in nature
2) good music- relaxing- holosync.com-check it out or any relaxing music
3)Hot baths-candles-aromatherapy-epson salts
4) Good Magazines, books, internet reading
5) Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Buddha, Bible, Joel Osteen, Quotes you believe in or keep you hanging on. Make a wall of quotes go to them when you need them- keep bible in your car-read and mark up your favorite parts
6)gardening or any artisticly visual hobbie that allows yourself to see a difference with what you can make or create
7)be nurturing -love and play with a pet
8) stretch, exercise, meditate do yogo or just watch it everyday until
you finally feel like doing it.
9)Go to parks, just get out out of the house- fake it until you make it-smile-act happy until you are. Be optimistic- there is always a silver lining if you look.Be kind and giving. There are so many ways and it is free. Make spiritual deposits daily( like a bank account) at the end of the week or month or whatever add them up reward yourself
10)keep moving- if you lay around and feel sorry for yourself you will only disappoint yourself and others. I hurt more when I lay around even though I am to tired at times to go do I do anyway and that is how I do it. I push myself and reward myself. Be around people, join groups,don't be lonely, it makes it all worse. If you don't want to do any of these things that is YOUR CHOICE, THAT WILL LEAD TO FEELING DECENT, BAD, OR WORSE!
BACK AGAIN, I don't mean to sound so pushy and harsh,I do know that depression does take the zap out of spunk and doing. If you found an antidepressant that works keep using it and when it does reach that plateau mix it with another one before it ruins your life. I tried the all natural approach while the others didn't work(kept taking) and some of the natural stuff did help but brain chemicals really do have to be there. If they are out of balance or nonexistant you will spiral down so fast it is not funny. Please be careful with meds. A brain is a serious and dangerous thing that you need for everything. find something that brings you some kind of joy and use that/them as much as possible for happiness. Pain meds will ruin your brain and its chemistry. They are depressants- hence the name. Once that is messed up it is hard to get it balanced and right again. The costs are much grater than the relief. Pain meds are not the answer. Spiritualality, love, kindness and giving are much better than any drugs and you can leave a respectable legacy that way to. So my point is make healthier choices as often as possible, and pills the least often(except for necessary-antidepressants) narcotics are the ones to avoid at all costs- that funk is not pretty! you can be in the most beautiful part of the country but if you are in a withdrawal funk you are in hell! Sweat it out-detox as fast as you can and be healthy. Get crap out of your system. Eat GREEN antioxidant rich foods- and move. That stuff in your system causes your brain bad thoughts.
Eat, drink, and be as healthy as you can for as long as you can.
Best wishes to you!!!!!
My name should be "I have experienced hell so many times" I am an expert!
i know alot about that kind of pain, i am a survivor of ulcertative colitis disease, without god, meditation, and prayer i do not know how i could have made it through. i have the support of friends, family, and the church. i love to help the kids in my family and the kids around me, i love encouraging them and making a difference. i pray each day that this disease do not drive me insane, nor to drugs and alcohol.
I have been dealing with cronic pain and depression ( due to the pain)
for over six years now. There were times I wanted to end my life
because as anyone that suffers with chronic pain knows, even with medication the pain can be too much. But then I think about my kids (all grown now) and my grandchildren and the wonderfull man that
has stood by me through it all and that takes strength because it affects them as well. I no longer am able to do the things that once brought me happiness, in fact, anything that requires physical activity causes an increase in pain, and quality sleep is a thing of the past. Ive been judged for the medication I take and have filled month to month, for not doing enough cope with the pain, or doing too much and the list goes on.
But anyone that deals with chronic pain it self or with the depression that accompanies it knows, unless the person judging is dealing with it them self, they have no room to do so, let alone the understanding they would require.
I am thankfull that I have a wonderfull family, and friends that are there for me and listen and does their best to understand, and for my faith which keeps me strong.
God Bless all of you out their dealing with this personally or through a friend or loved one.
I have had chronic sacroiliac (lower back) pain for 8+ years. During all that time, I have been prescribed morphine AND Percocet for the, sometimes, unbearable pain. Last Thursday, I underwent a procedure called "denervation," whereby the Pain Specialist "cauterizes" four nerves leading to the sacroiliac, in hopes that in two weeks, I will be pain-free, and OFF the narcotics! I pray unceasingly that this will be true. Oh, to be without the "brain fog" they cause, and be able to enjoy God's beautiful world without "looking through a glass darkly." Meanwhile, I suffer. I also have tendonitis in my shoulder and elbow, for which I received two injections today to try to relieve. Alas – I still hurt with them…
However – I am NOT now, depressed. Thank God for minor miracles! I have been clinically depressed in the past – but only once, and it was bipolar and stress-related. It IS true – "better living through chemicals!" The chemical imbalance that causes the bipolar disorder can ONLY be relieved through our antipsychotic medications and cognitive therapy (if we're lucky enough to find a good therapist).
I guess you could say I stay "upbeat" through my work on the computer. For years, I was computer-phobic, afraid I might accidentally delete something I HAD to save (past exploits with a Memory Typewriter at my legal secretary job in the 70s). Now – it is my life-line to others with similar problems, where I can learn AND help, if I can. It keeps the old brain cells alive, and me praying for recovery.
I agree with "Wannabeangel" that there are multitudes of things one can do to get out of the "rut" of depression. I have used many of them. I don't want to sound like a "Pollyanna," but I DO pray that the spectre of depression WON'T hit me during this painful period in my life. My belief in the grace of God, and my faith that he will keep me humble in my complaining, are what keep me "positive."
I pray that all people on this blog will find the peace they so desperately seek, and will look for the professionals who can help them.
Peace and love,
Hi, I am clinically depressed, and have miserable anxiety. I also have an incurable bone desiese. I have chronic pain. 24 hours a day. I'm lucky if I can get 4 hours sleep and not wake up to have to take more pills so I can get another couple hours sleep. I found something that I can do on my good days. It's the game of golf. I wish I could physically play it every day. I can normally play once a week or so. It's really helped me get through the last 2 years. Before that. On top of my morphine. I was self medicating with cocaine & ritalin and alcohol. I was trying to get rid of the depression. F.Y.I. It didn't help. Only made it worse. I lived that way for 4 years. Until one day I woke up in a hospital. And the doctors were telling me I had enough cocaine & alcohol in me to drop a horse. It was a wake up call. I have been sober for almost 2 years. I still have the depression and pain. But I'm trying to deal with it. If you can only do it a couple times a month. Take a golf lesson. I promise it will help. Thank U!
I also suffer with depression, bi-polar, OCD etc. and chronic pain. I have fibromyalgia, Chrons disease (which I can not spell), asthma and chronic bronchitis and the list goes on. Where the pain comes from doesn't matter, everyones pain hurts, there's no "I hurt more" contest (the one my boyfriend likes to play). Sometimes there is no getting your mind off it and what works for one of us might not work for another and that doesn't make that other person wrong. I once read that God (as you see him/her) brings us through pain to understanding. I see understanding to be peace but it may mean something else to you. This does not always work for me, it is a hard attitude to keep, but sometimes I can embrace my pain and go with it to somewhere better. I am just putting the thought out there, it can be freeing. I hope maybe it will help somebody and I am praying for you all.
I deal with Fibermayalgia and Manic Depression , and Anxiety . Some days being so bad I hate trying to tell people today is worse than others . no one understanding what Im going through , and most just not wanting to hear , she is in pain again or still?. I take my meds most days , and alot of days even the meds i take just isnt enough, without God I just wouldnt make it another day . My biggest fear is to die in severe pain .Sometimes articles like this helps just knowing Im not the only one , even though you pray no one else goes through this … I pray for all of you , all the moments of contentment and peace.
AS I SIT HERE THINKING ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW WITH PHYSICAL PAIN MY GRANDSON MICHAEL COMES TO MY THOUGHTS . THIS 2 1/2 YEAR OLD LITTLE GUY YOU SEE HAS PROBLEMS WITH HES LEGS AND SOMETIMES FALLS DOWN ALOT .HES HAD MRI's BUT DOCTORS CAN'T FIGURE OUT HIS PROBLEM. HE HAS TO BE CARRIED BECAUSE SOMETIMES HIS LEGS HURT TO BADLY TO WALK . BUT THROUGH OUT ALL MICHAELS PAIN HE HAS BEEN GIVEN GIVEN A GIFT OF SINGING HE LOVES TO SING SPIRITIAL SONGS HIS FAVORITE " HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD "
Ihave sufferedwith chronic pain and as a result severe depression for 4 yrs now. My life has been changed from a health, young, self suffentient, confident women to what i am now, a chronic pain patient. My last surgery was a four level spinal fusion in 7/07. Everyday is a struggle and the pills are the only thing that gives me any kind of life. i have a new years resolution: To live the best quality of life I can VS the longest quaninty I can have. I have stop making myself "feel bad" about taking narcotics to function. If I can have 10 good years; be a mom , a wife and a christian than I will be satisfied. I don't wish to have 30 yrs of laying in bed and making myself nor my family suffer. I was a nurse, a highly credible nurse whos life centered around "my god given gift." I have since questioned my existence in the absense of being able to do my calling. I love My lord and he is what gets me through. He never fails to make sure I am ok. He gives me what I need to do all I can do for those I encounter. Blessed is his name that never will forsake me!!!! Chronic pain is hard, its a journey and we are meant to learn something from it. I am not sure what but i am comforted with the fact I am forsaken, he is with me and oneday, in my time, I will be happy and painfree. Heaven bound….till then I will wait and hold my lords hand as I go about this life he wants me to live.
i have been suffering now more then ever with Fibromyaglia, the meds i used caused me to have a bleeding ulcer, (just what i need) now i suffer from anxitey attacks which makes my stomach worse, and afraid to go back to work fearing i'll get so sick i'll start throwing up,
when will this nightmare end,,,
Living in miami with no friends no one to talk to ,
singing the BLUUUUEEESSSS. :'(
I just discovered this site. It's a God sent. I deal with Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Chronic Migraines, IBS, etc….
Life daily is an adventure, But God is SO good. Without His help,I couldn't make it. Prayer has helped me more then I could ever say, that and God's Word. On those days when it seems that life is to hard, I remember all that God has done for me and what he has brought me through, and I can make another day. God bless each one of you, I will start to pray for the ones on this site.
I don't know how I started getting Beliefnet but I am thankful I did. I too suffer with chronic pain since being in an auto accident in 2002. I was getting epidural injections for the pain for many years and they would help the pain subside somewhat. I can never get another one though. I had an epidural in September of 2007 and it caused spinal leakage. I had a spinal headache for two months and the doctor who gave me the injection wouldn't believe me. I couldn't sit up without having the worst headache ever and the nausea was horrible. The doctor thought it was my imagination because he said spinal leaks never last longer than 12 days. Finally after calling the pain clinic (where I received the injection)sobbing because of the pain they referred me to a neurologist who believed me and he ordered a test to see where the leakage was coming from. They said they couldn't do a blood patch because I had several injections and they didn't know which one was leaking. The radiologist was reluctant to do the test because he was afraid it would cause more leakage. He suggested I stay in bed two more weeks and drink lots of liquids. He also compared the leakage to shaken baby syndrome. He said when fluid leaks from the brain there is no cushion between the brain and the skull so the pain is immense. He gave me my first ray of hope that I wasn't crazy. After 2 months of the headache it finally healed. By then I was in a severe clinical depression. I was forced to take another month and a half unpaid leave from my job because I had no sick days left and they were going to fire me for missing work due to the spinal headache. That just made my depression much worse. I couldn't feel God's presence and I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. No one at work understood my chronic pain as it was and my boss didn't believe I had a headache that long. She even told me that when I went back to work she needed to know that I wouldn't be coming and going like I had been. I had to seek treatment with a psychologist and a psychiatrist to cope with all of that. I will never judge anyone who says they are in pain because I know what it is like. It changes your whole life. It was horrible having a spinal headache for 2 months, on top of my chronic severe back pain, and made worse by being punished at work because of it. To all of you who suffer with chronic pain you are in my prayers.
No, I don't agree that because you suffer from pain people see you as a criminal, as someone posted above.
However, so many people have used "Chronic pain" in order to get away from work or responsibilities.
Many tend to view any claim of living with pain as fictitious, or as malingering, I know, I'm in that category and I've and still use Fibromyalgia as the convenient excuse that allows me to manipulate and get what I want.
C.D.W., San Antonio
Prayer beads and Dove dark chocolate squares…what a wonderful idea, Therese! My family suffers from inflammatory disease, and my brother passed away from taking a medication for it…which led to an infection that killed him. I am the youngest and he was the oldest…the other two are having some trouble as well…"So this is what I have to look forward to?", I ask myself. My sis is in constant pain and struggling with her job, my brother is struggling with his health as well and I am feeling it also, but not as much…yet. And my brother was too intelligent to have gone that way, too. But we all get desparate at times, and I am sure he was. And that I will be also, but there is hope….hope that one day a medication will be found that does not depress the immune system, and hope for the kind of support that helps me through the toughest of times, as support is crucial to survival. Yes, thank God for Beyond Blue, and our most precious friends who help us along the way…we are still here because of it. This is an important topic in that we all complain at times, but to be a compassionate listening ear and supportive of one another is paramount to survival of bad days, chronic pain, and depression. So when someone complains a bit, take a moment to really listen, and give supportive feedback and a hug if necessary, for tomorrow it may be you that needs it. Excellent topic!
Me and my husband married 11 years ago. 11 years ago he had his first back surgery. We have lived with the ups and downs of cronic pain, narcotic addiction, stomack problems and 5 more surgerys. We are 29. Proud parents of two beautiful children.
It seems there is no end insite. He is an addict of pain meds. Some days he takes his meds as perscribed and others he has a private party with his bottle of friends. In the past 2 years he has had the last 5 surgerys. He has lost 60 pounds. We have made it through the past 6 months with out him having to go into the hospital for sever dehidration. We only have state insurance and no doctor wants to hear that. They won't accept it.
We have been told he will never work again. His pain is to great for the doctors to control.
Some days I am the love of his life and others I am just a bother.
His pain consumes him. There are times he stays in the bed for days with out eating or drinking.
We found a doctor that has aggred to step in and try to help him find pain managment.
The sad part is there is no magic little pill for my pain.
My pain is cronic.
My pain is like his.
My soul is so brused.
I smile for my babies.
I smile for the world.
I smile for him.
i have had chronic pain since october 30th of 2003…i was working and a huge file folder at the office i was working out starting falling and i blocked it with my left hand, well, it caught my left thumb and it was dislocated extremely bad, it went all the way back onto my arm/wrist….well, i reported it and went to er room where they set it and casted it for 4 weeks the entire time in cast it was excruciating pain, when they took off cast they did physical therapy which was even more painful…i ended up having surgery something like corpal tunnel…i knew something was very wrong the day after surgery, when my hand swelled up and i had a hematoma the entire length of my arm from fingers to shoulder but the doctor said it would go away….well, it didn't and i fought with him and workers comp for 4 months to see a specialist to determine what was wrong…. when i finally saw one he did exploratory surgery and found that the median nerve had been severed and was hanging on by a thread….he connected it and then i got gangreen in my arm because my body rejected the tubing he used in it to reconnect the nerve…he had to go back and this time he took nerves out of my leg leaving it numb but repaired my arm hoping that the nerves would regenerate and that i would get use of my hand again….well, here it is 4 years later and i pretty much don't have use of my left hand my pinky has feeling because it wasn't affected but the rest of my hand/wrist all the way up to an inch below my crease in elbow feels like it is being slammed in a car door all the time and by all the time i mean constantly, every time my heart beats it throbs ….. i looked for work in office but since i have limited use of my left hand no one would give me a chance to work for them, the social security judge said since i didn't have it amputated that i wasn't disabled, so i finally found a woman that gave me a job in a nice clothing store….i can grab the bags to bag merchandise and do most everything with my good hand…but sometimes the pain in my bad hand is so unbearable that i do end up crying….
i get depressed quite often due to pain, and knowing that i can't get cured and to know that my life was changed forever by someones surgical mistakes…..
i try so hard sometimes to offer up the pain i feel and hopefully that i will someday be able to live without pain…until that happens i want to be an example to others to offer up my pain and make the best of what i do have…..
thank you for this topic. i have been dealing with chronic pain, nerve pain, depression, migraines, insomnia,and swelling:the whole ball of wax. this is all due to a accident that happened while on the job and what workmens comp. did not do to help correct the problem. it has been seven years now living with the pain. as told by donna kay on jan. 15 she stated she went through alot and now has no feeling in the left hand. well my accident happened at work. i was putting away stock in a kitchen when i accidently elbowed a metal can rack that was pushed to close behind me. i hit the shelf so hard i compacted the nerve in the elbow between two bones of my arm. well i went through x-rays, medication, testing,numerous therapys. by the time workmens comp sent me here there and everywhere the nerve was cut intirely in two. the nerve damage is unrepairable now and i wear a t.e.n.s unit to help with some of the pain. i live everyday with pain and depression because of a accident that could have been corrected early but because workmens comp did not want to give me time to get the right testing done i now live in pain. i work everyday at a parttime job because i can never get a full time job because of the comp claim. i have tired to get help from disability claims because i can never lift anything with my left arm. the migraines happen 2 to 3 times a week. i have swelling in my fingers and arm constantly. as donna said it feels like my arm is beginning crushed in a car door all the time. i had second opinion done by a surgical doctor that said the nerve damage could get worse and move up my arm into my back and other arm. see it was a main nerve that was cut and trauma caused to it which in turn causes a constant reinjurey of the area. i try to keep a happy face and not complain. i have only gotten by with prays . i keep reminding myself that someday i will be without pain in heaven, but until now i keep fighting and talking with others about what i have been thru. i had to learn how to use only my right hand and fingers to do many things, tie shoes, button buttons and so forth. it has changed my personality and outlook in life. you do learn humility in the face of distress, you also learn that there others who have gone thru the same or more than you too. so pray and smile. pass it on. mary
My highest respect to all who have come to share their stories on this website. I read your words and they have a deep impact on how pain is treated here in our country. There is a mindset that stops most from getting the help they need. My interest lies in a small entry that mentioned an article about the Holy Spirit. I quickly scanned the archives but could not retrieve or read it. My intuition is telling me to focus on this idea of the Holy Spirit. For those who are not familier with the concept….the Holy Spirit is the manifestation of the GOD or Highest Power within each and every one of us.It is connection to whatever GOD means to you. You simply need to ask for help. However; most of us are taught to pray or speak to GOD but are not taught to listen to God. Chronic pain would certainly mask any communication between you and your source. I don't want to get into an argument about religion or rattle off trite judgments about prayer but my intuition is strong on this. I invite anyone to explore the concept of the Holy Spirit. My motive comes from the idea as i read all your compelling life experiences is that most people with chronic pain are in over their heads. All my empathy, sympathy whatever will not solve the problem for you. But that does not stop my desire to want to…remember that. Take my wish that i could stop this madness for you,i love you all. About the Holy Spirit, start by asking the Holy Spiit to shine a light on the darkness on why you are feeling this pain. Tall order but is a start. Remember that you really are a child of the universe and your journey is needed to complete it.
Peace come to you soon
I have suffered migraines all my life and anyone who has never experienced one has no clue to the pain and how debilitating they can be. Then in 2000 I broke my back. I live with constant pain daily. Some days are better than others but I have yet to have a pain free day. In the last four years I've started suffering with depression which in itself is a nightmare. I have taken pain medication since breaking my back and just recently begun taking an anti-depressant. I hear of so many people becoming addicted to their medications that it makes me scared to take mine as needed. My doctors have told me I will more than likely be on pain medication the rest of my life. That is really frightening. I had never understood depression or why someone would have thoughts of suicide. I always thought that was so sad if someone thought their only alternative was to want to kill themself. I now understand those thoughts. I'm sorry in the past for being so judgemental. It is hard to understand someones pain sometimes when you can't actually see the injury…such as migraine, broken back etc. I've had eight back surgeries and still hurt all the time and it gets so old. I was raised in a Christian home and know that the Lord can heal. I wasn't suppose to walk but after being on a walker, in leg braces and a back brace for four years, I can walk. To look at me I look fine…if only that was true. Anyway, I think support is a huge help and people that suffer daily have a better understanding sometimes than family or friends. This is my first time to talk about this outside my family and friends and hopefully I will make friends and grasp tools to understand and deal better with this way of living. Actually the past four years I've isolated myself pretty much cause I can't do the things I use to and don't want to be a hinderance to my friends. I went from a very active person to doing next to nothing. The internet has become my friend. I love to read so that is what I do now. I don't do chat room things but would like to visit with people living a similar lifestyle. Have a merry day and may the Lord bless each one of you more than abundantly.
i know we are not using this site to "outcomplain" each other, but it is an amazing feat that we live with what we live with and DON'T kill ourselves.
i too live with CFS, and fibromyalgia, and arthritis. and menopause, been living with that for a few years. due to the CFS and probably family history i deal daily with fighting anxiety attacks and depression. "Hugs and drugs"; that's my motto. but prayer is paramount, and my therapist is an angel sent from God literally. she has picked me up and dusted me off more times than i can count. i am blessed in many ways, but to add insult to injury, i just 7 weeks ago today lost my mom. i found her dead on the couch and can't get that out of my mind just yet either. i have many friends and they all are praying for me, thank the good Lord. people say the good memories will come, but every time i think of good times with my mom, i lose it. i did contemplate suicide last week, not being able to imagine how i will live through all this forever, but i was humble enough to let my therapist know. it's hard to call someone up and say, "oh, by the way, i am thinking of putting the bottle on the table." (that's my way of saying i want to end it. but, i am still here. and if i have to only get through one minute at a time, i do, but not without prayers and angels and my therapist and doctors.
thanks for listening,
Well I have horrible chronic pain, due to lupus, fibromyalgia, MCTD a rare connective tissue disorder, interestrial cystitisis, carpal tunnel, bad headaches, and the least of my worries unless it flairs up, rocescea. I am raising a five year old totally alone, and are going to finish college if it kills me, while waiting to see if I qualify for disability. Might need a few more disorders you say? LOL. I kid you not I have all this wrong with me, and I hurt bad alot, but I put it in Yaweh's hands, and pray for our Savior to help me through each day. Now, I have to admit there are times that I think about suicide….what good am I to anyone, I'm just a burden to my soceity…those types of thoughts; then I remember the story of the man in hell, whom expresses how bad hell is, and I realize that if I kill myself, then I have went against Yaweh's commandments. Therefore, when I am at my lowest, I remember that when I die, my suffering is over and I will never hurt again.
I never understood the idea behind alot of people saying it helps them to hear other people with the same debilitating issues venting and complaining about it. How does that help the problem by whining about it or knowing alot of others are suffering too. It seems like being on a sinking ship where everybody is all looking at each other saying yes we are all going to die. Did that stop the ship from sinking? did the isssues go away or feel better? I think not. And how is it humility to outwardly complain? I always thought humility was forebearance.
hi my name is judi i suffer to with alot if pain every day , from fibromyalgia , spinal stensios , severe pain border of dietbites also , and yes i to hardly get any sleep i can stay up for day and nights , i feel sometimes that my meds. don"t even elp sometimes , i do pray alot and have a great deal of faith , i read how there are others that to suffer from what disease that i have at first i thought i was just nuts when i tried to tell my neurosurgen the pain i was suffering from because all my tests were coming back normal but i knew there was something wrong and i know the only ones who truly know what it is all about is the ones who to suffer from the fms. if there is help out there , for those who feel depressed at times because they feel there all alone in the suffering there going through then it will be very good to know that there is somthing out there.
It is a good thing to be reminded that we are not alone in our season of pain!
As a member of the clergy, I am NOT expected to talk about my "personal feeling or personal pain. If I do happen to mention it, I am looked on as a heretic…can you imagine? Yes, I have pain, but no…I am not supposed to talk about it. So much is expected of a clergy person who has chosen to be a Hospital Chaplain. Now I guess you can understand the complications that I have with sever personal pain.. That is why I am so glad to have seen these remarks…now I can join a community of folks who feel the way I do. I have Severe Rheumatoid Arthritis, Degenerative Spine Disease, Diabetes – – and added to this, I was injured in an accident which impacted the joints of my knees, wrists and shoulders when I attempted to halt a runaway wheelchair (with unlocked wheels) in which I was passenger. I smashed into a jetway wall when it sped down the boarding ramp toward the door of the plane. The accident occurred because someone (unknown) bumped into my chair and off it went. It was the ride of my life, but very painful. Unfortunately, the airline attendants did not consider the event noteworthy in order to make an accident report although I was extricated from the wreckage and assited on board the plane and was offer first aid, etc.ent and nothing has come of it. Added to my physical pain, I have the knowledge that people can be unjust and unfair..even in the face of anothers pain. Once again, I am reminded that we can only trust in God – people can, and will, fail on occasion.
Now, my new friends, be assured that you will be in my prayers…I know exactly how you feel. I wont forget your messages in this space.
Know that I care even though I do not know you. Makes a difference, doesn't it?
I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 1994. I was told that I had had it since I was about 14 years old (I was almost 54 when I was diagnosed). People are always saying things like, "…you look so good, or I can't tell you are sick." It took my husband several years to come to terms with it. He used to tell me that it was all in my mind and I could do things if I really wanted to. The worst thing about it is I used to sleep ALL the time. Fatigue is my enemy. When my husband wants to go somewhere he wants me to go, too. Sometimes I can't walk as far as he thinks I should be able to. My doctor put me on a medication that keeps me more alert and I now can stay up most of the day! One last word: When I was dignosed, I told my husband that I had good news and bad news…the bad news is I have MS, the good news is I get to park up front! And my auto license says "BAD DNA". You have to have a sense of humor in order to get through this life!
My depression started when I was in college,since 1974. I'm now 54. The last three years I've lost my brother to suicide,my mother to ovarian cancer,my father to alzheimers. It amazes me,its like they were never here. I think I never believed in God. I kept looking for signs,but none came. I started to see habits in me that were my mother's or my father lately. I am deaf,I think that's part of my depression as well. I couldn't work jobs,kept getting laid off or fired for not producing quality.No one had the patience to work with me and making sure I understood even tho it takes me a few times to register and understand what is to be done. IN 2000,I fell down from a loft helping someone clean it,went 12 ft down. Dislocated my shoulder,it took 10 doctors to pop it back in place. But my spine took a beating. 3 of my discs are bulging,plus I've had scoliosis
all my life as well. I've suffered from asthma and came to terrible breathing episodes that I've had to go to ER. MY arm that I fell on is no longer useful and I also have lumps forming there as well. I was a painter,I painted flowers,I was proud of them.I've been on vicodins for a long time. Let me tell you without these pills ( I take three a day) I thank doctors because they do help me. I'm a frim believer in meds,I do take effoxer but I don't think the pills for depression can help anyone. I think depression has to be helped from within ourselves. I also feel I can identify why my brother killed himself,I passed his age and feel like the way he did then. Then I see heath ledger in the news. I think he was way too young to deal with this,so I suspect he abused drugs.
my husband sleeps all the time, that is when he's not at work. i think he's depressed. he says, "depression- get over it" when he hears of other people suffering from it. he won't go to a doctor. he does drink whiskey almost every night and some times advil or aleve with it. i worry that in the night he will die or have a major heart attack or stroke. his job is tough and he'll be turning 50 this year. help! any advice? prayers are appreciated please. his name is john.
I have a quick story about my father. He underwent gastric bypass surgery almost 4 years ago. The surgery was not successful initially and he almost died on the table. Anyway, after 3 months in the hospital he came home without the alloted amount of rehab because he was stubborn and said the heck with it. Then he did not follow the correct eating outline with protein drinks and the slow integration into eating normal food. He was in self-inflicted pain due to eating the wrong foods and was malnourished besides. He also took painkillers for his polymyalgia and became very depressed as he was always in pain, either self-induced or due to his body betraying him with painful disease. He fell down a lot due to weakness and the amount of painkillers he was on. This furthered his depression as he was constantly needing stitches, etc. My point is that he finally went to the hospital and was so malnourished that within two weeks we gathered to remove the breathing tube from his body. He passed on January 24th. It was a blessing and a curse.
Please take care of yourselves and G-d bless.
My life has been in denial of Multiple Chemical Disorder because of the need to survive. Now facing unemployment, because of the fact that I can no longer function in my normal work environment, I find myself seeking answers within.
Thanks,I really needed to read that.I think I can go on day to day,but each day it gets harder and the days are longer.
It is refreshing to finally hear someone call those of us who face and deal with our daily pain heroes. In doctor's offices and emergency rooms and even our own family living rooms, we are called drug addicts and complainers. I have told a sister who is a registered nurse, who complains about the people who come in to ask for pain medicine, to not judge so quickly what kind of person they are just because they are asking for it. Just because you can't always see the pain on their face doesn't mean it isn't there! And it definitely doesn't make them an addict because they need something to make them feel better to give them a better quality of life.
I suffer from fibromyalgia…..and have for over 15 years now. I am 37 years old…..and thinking about how many years I have to "look forward" to this sometimes really gets to me. I have 2 beautiful children that I get to see life passing by in front of me with and I hate it. They get angry at me and my husband gets angry at me, and then I get angry at me because I am still in bed from the pain and can't do the things I should be able to do. I can't really blame them, when I get angry myself. I take pain medication….and lots of other meds too. So what…..but you know….my own mother called me a drug addict!! That cut to the quick! Talk about no love and understanding!
Anyway, we all need a place to go that is safe for us emotionally and spiritually to vent and talk and share and tell someone that we hurt and don't feel good and that we are mad about it. That way we can pray for each other and lift each other up and encourage one another…because I think that is what God wants for us.
Cling to one another and thanks for recognizing our pain and giving us some glory, cause it seems like the rest of the world just doesn't understand!
2Corinthians 12:9-10
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I couldn't make it through a day without My Heavenly Father. So often times, I have prayed and prayed for guidance and the peace that passes understanding.
Some years ago, I did decide to take the suicide route to leave this life of depression that has truly only gotten worse. Now other ailments added to my diagnosis of depression.
I was working as a Registered Nurse in a hospital and I had the "deal" all worked out. It involved using my youngest sons shotgun (it was smaller for his age) and to do the "deed" while the kids were at school. I had already made the plans and had the boys going to my mother's house after school (so they would not find me) and I was going to leave that morning as if I was going to work but after I had known everyone was gone, my intention was to drive back home. The day before the scheduled act of suicide that I had planned was a very, very busy day at the hospital. Which in fact helped me with the plan I thought.
While all the staff was busy about their routines with patient care, new doctors orders, admissions and trying to stay out of the way of the next staff member, I was able to walk past the Unit Nurses desk and say, "I will not be able to be here tomorrow but I am unable to tell you why right now." I got a nod of her head and I went about my business of the day.
While taking care of all the patients needs that I was assigned to I kept thinking how, "This is really going to work. Getting the day off was much easier than I imagined." As I passed various medications and documented on various patients it was almost like a nagging feeling? I found myself at the nurses station, picking up the telephone and dialing my doctor's number. His receptionist answered the phone and I said, "Hi, this is Lori and I need to see Dr Cares as soon as possible." She replied, "What is the need, Lori?" to which I replied, "Mental." She stated, "Just a minute, Lori" as she placed me on hold. It was less than two minutes before I head, "Lori, Dr Cares will see you at 9 A.M. in the morning" I felt such a relief after that call. The call even gave me the reason to tell my Supervisor before leaving that day.
I understand the feeling of not having any way out but suicide. It was a very painful experience for me but at the same time I learned so much. God was there for me. He nagged at me until I did what I should have done prior to planning the suicide. Just as in the movie, I must say, "God Is Good!"
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Therese Borchard is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
Therese Borchard is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.


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