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tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58810095512529029332015-10-06T13:55:22.183-04:00What's Next?This is where I am and this is what I'm doing. What's Next? Who knows?AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-376752520609283932015-04-22T20:36:00.000-04:002015-04-22T20:36:21.136-04:00No man is an island

That's me. Yelling at my ego. My ego is my favorite ball that I've named and told to "protect me from all the bad things in life." Well folks, the "bad things" aren't that bad and that ball has taken over my mind. It won't change. The ball is just a ball. It's just whether or not I believe the ball or not that has to change.

Instead, I'm just going to sit here and yell at it for a while...

FUCK YOU BALL!

We all know that we're interconnected. We all create our own realities. I am a man on an island all alone. But, my toes are in the sand, the sand is in the ocean, the ocean touches other shores, there are others on those shores and that shore is connected to land where even more people are. We all breathe the same air. We are all connected in spirit. We are never alone. Me, the sand, the air, the tree, the bird in the tree, the air, time, space... one thing. One creation. But inside me like some mad schizophrenic are two separate things: Me and my Ego. I know things. My ego tells me other things and convinces me of them.

Right now my Ego is telling me that I am alone. Wholly alone. Rejected. Unworthy. Angry. All my efforts, all my time, all my energy towards trying to achieve happiness have led me once again to failure and being left wholly alone. I don't know where to go from here so I'm sitting here on my new island yelling at my Ego to stop lying to me.

It's actually not too bad down here. There is a comforting feeling knowing that you can only go up from here. I can only feel better about this situation. I can only feel better about my self. There is no worse than this. Can't be. What sucks is I can't seem to get my Ego's foot off my throat long enough to breathe. What sucks is I can't seem to find an answer to the question of which direction to go. My island is surround by water. I'm trapped here with this Ego ball that keeps telling me I suck.

Well if we're all interconnected and I can create my own reality, then the answer to the question of which way to go is: Anywhere. How? Anyway. I can walk on water. I can build a bridge. I can build a boat. I can swim. I can leave this island. Now... can I leave the Ego behind? Am I willing to stay off this island or will I want to let my Ego call me back here?

When you're in a relationship you tend to eventually draw a sense of 'Self' from that relationship. I am a guy who ___. I ____. I like to _____ with my partner and she likes ____. She loves me, trusts me, she feels safe with me, she is comforted by me, wants me around because I am _____. Well what happens if she doesn't trust you? She doesn't want you around? Doesn't feel safe? Isn't comforted by you? Not necessarily because of something you've done but because of where she is or what she's going through. What if she feels trapped in your relationship? What does that mean? Does that change your definition of yourself? Are you not a guy who ____? Who is ____? And who likes to?____? Enter the Ego!!! You now have to look at your sense of Self! Who are YOU?

But long before the Ego will let you get to those questions you're going to have to deal with the fear that it wants you to choke on. Fear of rejection. Fear of separation. Fear of loneliness. Fear of being back on the island.

There are other options though. You can try seeing things differently. You can use forgiveness. You can go within. You can go to God. You can shift your perception. You can create a different narrative. It is a hard thing to admit that your yesterday's reality no longer exists. The people closest to you don't see you as you thought they did. You don't see you as you thought you did. None of that matters anymore. Today matters. Tomorrow can't matter yet because you haven't gotten there yet. Now. Only now. Work on now. Make a choice. Choose to source your reality in Love. Not fear. Not anger. Not rejection. Love. Your main problem is going to come only from this moment; this choice: Are you going to make a different choice than what you have in the past? Are you ready for that? If not, this island is going to stay lonely and there's going to be a long wait to get off of it.

"The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-21541976631881533192015-04-04T10:59:00.000-04:002015-04-04T10:59:31.980-04:00Walking 0.01 Miles"Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes."

We've all heard this. We've all said it to someone at some point. It's a cliche. It's also true. That's how sayings become cliche is they keep hitting you over the head with some truth until you lose the trees in the forest. You see there are really two parts to this phrase...

One, don't judge. That's "easy" enough. Good luck on your daily journey through your life without judging. Really, try that. Go a day without judging. I think the longest I made it was about 10 minutes. Now, I kept correcting and kept seeing other people and myself in different ways, but not judging; really hard.

The second part here is walking a mile in his shoes. This is the part that I struggle with even more sometimes. This refers to something we call empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.

Whoa! Hold on. I have my shoes, you have yours right? My feet stink, your feet stink, let's not go around putting our feet in each others shoes OK? But what this is saying is simply, in order for you to share your thoughts, feelings, emotions, struggles, successes, and failures with me, you have to honestly believe that I am willing and able to understand those feelings with you. Willing. Easy enough. Love your neighbor, partner, brother, or whoever and you're more than likely willing to share in their feelings with them. That's part of love. Able. Weeeeeell this is where practice is required.

Being able to empathize with someone means you have to have to ability to not only acknowledge your own emotions but relate those emotions to the experiences of others. What? You mean you hurt too? I feel sad. You feel sad too? You're confused about your emotions and your feelings? Me too! If only it were that simple. You see dear reader, the problem for me here comes in the first part of this equation. First, I must recognize and acknowledge those emotions within myself. Yes, I feel sad. Yes, I feel angry. Yes, I feel guilty. No, these things do not make me a terrible person.

I can listen to CC all day long. Our foster dog can listen to her all day long. There isn't much of a difference there. The only thing that separates me from the dog (aside from my thumbs) is my ability to have a shared experience and to empathize with her. What I have to be able to do is to not only hear the words shes saying but to have the ability to feel the emotions shes saying them with. I have to feel what shes saying.

Intimacy: Close familiarity, closeness. What is more familiar than seeing, hearing, and experiencing your own emotions in others? Empathy as a path to intimacy.

Don't judge yourself too harshly for the inverse or lack of empathy that you're used to. This will take practice. This will take self-examination and forgiveness. I am not cold. I am not unempathetic. I am a man who has yet to fully realize and acknowledge his own emotions so therefore I am unable to understand and share the feelings of others. Willingness here will come in the form of practice. Ability will come as a result of that practice.

I am empathetic. I am willing to listen, to hear, to share, to understand. We are all here together. We are all having an experience. Today is the only part of that experience that matters. Don't throw on my shoes and go walk a mile. Just try them on and take a step. Start with that.
AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-38444394312315538652015-02-27T10:51:00.002-05:002015-02-27T10:51:43.253-05:00Hello? Are you there?I spent a whole day circling around in my own mind this week. Meditating, thinking, writing short sentences, having ideas, and generally just listening to my own mind. When you stop to listen for that long of a period of time you start to wonder if you're really hearing things or if you're just having your own thoughts that come to you from a deeper part of yourself. Don't let your mind get blown by that last sentence just yet...

I'm not here to write about meditation or the process of listening because that's not where I am right now. I am at a place where I'm stopping, listening and trying to hear what my own problems and issues are. I am at a place where I'm trying to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made and for even holding myself to some stupid standards that I've created for myself as well. Imagine a lazy perfectionist who is always down on themselves for not getting it right. 'Well, you're lazy. What did you expect?' Now I'm neither a perfectionist nor am I lazy, but that same oxymoronic struggle applies all the same.

We only live by the laws that we create for ourselves. I love that. You have to wear slacks when you go to a nice restaurant. Who says? I'm pretty sure I used to turn my nose at people in jeans and sandals if the place was "business casual." Now, Good for you! Your credit card will swipe as good as mine and shame on me for judging you for being comfortable enough to wear whatever you damn well please.
I don't feel that I'm giving you the best examples this morning of what I'm trying to express... writer reaches for coffee cup...

What I'm getting at here dear reader is this: Only you are going to find, experience, fear, fight, give into, forgive, and deal with your own shit in life. That's it. Nobody can do it for you. The only person in this life that can walk your road is you. How twisted, hilly, rocky or smooth that road is is up to you too.

The only help you can find in this life is in a mirror. I'm lucky enough to have one named CC who (God bless her) is willing to stick around long enough to watch, listen, and offer guidance when she can. She is a mirror in that I can (if I'm willing) ask her what she sees from me. She can then show me what she sees and that can really help to open up new parts my my Self that I was unaware of. I'm "lucky" enough to be in a relationship with my mirror. Sometimes that's not the best thing. In 'One Man's Path to Intimacy' that I'm exploring here, there are times when this relationship is not 'fun' or 'happy' in the 'normal' sense of those words. Even CC has questioned, 'Are you there? Is this the work you're doing? Is this who you really want to be?' At times she has not believed that I've been trying to grow and truly walk my own path to dealing with my own shit. She has seen signs, but not been convinced. And, I'm not here to convince her. I'm just here, working on my stuff the only way I know how.

I can only become the more intimate partner and more open person that our relationship needs and that I need as an individual by looking inside and asking, 'Hello? Are you there?'
Like dropping a rock down a well and listening for the splash at the bottom, I'm sitting and listening looking for signs that let me feel. I've been dropping pebbles and hearing ripples. This past week I dropped a stone and heard a splash. I've been smiling all week. Yes I'm afraid of things. Yes, I judge myself too harshly. Yes, I do hold on too tightly in life to ideas of control of ideas of perfection. Yes, I do live by some pretty stupid rules that I've created for myself. Yes, I am emotionally withdrawn from a lot of people.

In the past if anyone in the street had come up to me and said those things, I think I would have immediately denied them. Like Judas I would have denied then hid. I think if someone said those things to me right now, I would listen and agree. Yeah, there are some things I'm not 'good' at right now. But that's today. Tomorrow I may be a bit better. I may not. Right now all I'm doing is listening to myself and observing the emotions that come to me and allowing those emotions to come to me.

I had a tendency to dismiss people and their ideas. You like hockey? Phssst. Hockey is dumb.
Why would I say hockey is dumb? Hockey isn't dumb. Hockey is a cool sport that I don't understand. By telling someone that what they like is 'dumb,' I'm expressing that I think they are 'dumb' and I am attacking them and their ideas. What I am not doing is allowing them to express their passion for something. I am not allowing them to share something with me. Think about the light you see pouring from an individual when you hear them describe something they love. It's amazing and you get to connect with them on that thing and experience their love along with them as they describe how much they truly love cross-stitched pillows with dogs on them. Sound silly?
Stop and think about someone doing that right now. An aunt or someone who loves dogs, cross-stitch and pillows. Lovely. And, after you embrace their passion for something, they are more likely to be interested in your passions and interests and that will lead to other ways in which to connect with one another. Do you think a hockey fan would be interested in hearing about my passion for baseball after I told him/her that hockey was dumb? Nope. More likely we would begin to attack one another and find more differences than commonality with one another. Ways to separate rather than connect. Never close a door before you see where it leads.

This week has been a rough one. I've felt so good about finding so many things to work on. I've felt so frustrated with my tendencies to hold on so tightly to my 'rules to live by' and my want for control. I've felt so happy when I look on myself and other with so little judgment. I've felt so disconnected from those that I want most to connect with the most. I've felt less guilty. I've felt more alive.
I've felt; and that's saying something.

Stop. Listen. Do yourself a favor this week and just listen.AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-62931435672860798982015-02-17T20:52:00.001-05:002015-02-17T20:52:12.626-05:00What if that's me?
I grew up watching more than a few action films. John Wayne pictures and such. Real men, doing real things, acting real tough. Tough guys said tough things. Tough guys didn't take shit off nobody. Real men wore leather, had guns, knew how to throw a punch, and always looked around when they entered a room. They went to sleep with whisky on the bedside table and they never let anyone see them cry. They probably never cried anyway. Real men. Doing real shit! Hell yeah! I should write a screenplay.

So of course I grew up wanting to be a member of the A-Team one day. I would be hangin' with Mr. T, He-Man, and Rambo all in the same weekend. I was going to be a tough guy! Genetics had a part in holding me back from the rippled muscles of my heroes but my environment or "the real world" did even more to destroy boyhood fantasies. What do you mean I can't wear a sword to work? Ugh. So being in the woods for months and shooting exploding arrows... not ok in the suburbs you say? Can I at least get in a fist fight on the weekends at the Roadhouse? You go to jail for that? This stinks! John Wayne would not like this at all.

I know I had thought about writing about something else this post, but this week I came face to face with a strong dose of reality of what and where I am. I am not John Wayne. I do not (thankfully) have the ability to act tough and be tougher no matter what and never let anyone else know otherwise. I did however find that I have the ability to experience what CC characterized as nervous breakdown of sorts. My heart was beating abnormally, I was shivering, felt like things were closing in on me... some scary and powerful stuff. I felt like I was going to puke and pass out all at the same time. It was awful!

The whole time it was starting and during the first part of "the episode" I just kept trying to fight it. And I do mean fighting it. This isn't who I am. This isn't me. This isn't something that I want. This is wrong. I can't feel this. I can't be the type of person who has this sort of thing happen to them! This. Isn't. Me.

Why not? Why can't it be? It sure looks like it is. Because there you are sitting there shivering and sweating and scared out of your mind. So it sure looks like you're "the type."

Thankfully CC was there. She didn't rush to my aid with a cold compress and tell me everything was going to be ok, because she knew that's not what I needed. She did talk me through it a bit and help me realize what was going on in the moment by asking me some questions and letting me stream my thoughts a bit. She then told me to write it all down and see that happens. And, I did. I ended up going into our bedroom and writing a very short story based on the images that were streaming through my mind. (I won't be sharing that story here however. Sorry some things I keep to myself and CC). In the end, I wrote down some questions that I needed to ask myself and CC to see where I was and what was really going on with me. Those questions led to some tough truths and they also led me to an intimate conversation with my partner about where we are right now and how each of us sees certain things from both the past and present.

Can I accept that I'm not one of the heroes that I grew up watching? Sounds silly doesn't it? But really even though you know that you can't leap tall buildings, you somewhere still believe that you're a tough guy. You don't feel emotional pain. You don't get nervous. You don't get panicked. But what if you do? What if you're not the hero but the guy who needs saving? I'm not trying to turn this into a Lifetime movie where the quiet dad is heroic because he gets up and goes to work here. What I'm getting at is that the heroic action may just be in acceptance.

Accept where you are. If right now you're tired. Be tired. If you're angry. Be angry. If you're nervous and confused, figure it out but be ok with the fact that you're nervous and confused. I was angry all day today. Could not shake it. Woke up that way and just damn well didn't feel like getting over it. Now I have a massive head ache and probably know why. But I was just pissy today.

The other night I needed to wake up to the fact that I can't fight off what's coming up from the depths of my psyche and surfacing in the physical. I need to be where I am in the moment and I need to find out what that moment is trying to teach me. It doesn't always have to be a bad experience if you're learning something from it.

Be willing to question what you're holding onto. Are you being a tough guy because that's what you learned was the right thing to do? How has that worked for you? How has being emotionally withdrawn and closed off worked for you? You (me) are sitting on your couch shivering and afraid, so how's that working out for you?

Are you willing to see things differently? I try to get CC to ask me that when I'm either being stubborn or being angry or being judgmental about something. 'Would you like to see that differently?' Sounds pretty shitty the first few times you hear it. But it really works. It works if you say 'yes I would' and then you are actually willing to listen.

Being a tough guy is not something I aspire to be anymore. I don't want to be 'tough.' I want to be open to new thought processes, new ways of seeing things, and new emotions and ways to express them. I want to be honest and intimate with my partner and I want that to be part of my daily life. I want to learn from my experiences, not run from them or try to fight them off just because they aren't that pleasant.

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at Midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday." -John Wayne

AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-64623673539932078502015-02-12T16:18:00.001-05:002015-02-12T16:18:41.699-05:00Kramer ain't walkin' through that doorNow just what the hell did I mean when I said that I would talk about walking through a door without it being awkward? It's not like every door I walk through is some kind of superhuman task for me that seems to confuse and befuddle. I don't just grab the doorknob and pray that everything will work out. I'm talking about entering environments that should be warm, welcoming and loving but somehow turn out to be awkward and strange for the first five minutes or so.

When I get home from work and find CC in the apartment sometimes I feel like I'm intruding on her. Like I've just interrupted her quiet alone time. She has told me that sometimes she 'doesn't know how to act' when I get home. What the hell is that!? We've been together for years now and it's still weird when I get home. As if we each need time to see what the other is feeling, what mood they're in, or where their energy level is.

I suppose some of this is natural and our desire to want to fall into place as soon as we occupy the same space may just be unrealistic. But I don't think it is. And, I don't believe CC thinks that way either. But why is it taking place? Why does it 'feel all weird' when either of us first get home and enter the space already occupied by the other?

My original theory was deference. I love to defer. Oh, whatever you like, or whatever you're feeling, I'll just match you or come to your level. But really my entrance issues boil down to the same thing most issues do... fear. But fear is easy to just say and explain away. After talking with CC I discovered that our issue in this circumstance was more along the lines of obligation,

Obligation comes from routine. Try waking up every morning for 20 years, making coffee, opening the door, grabbing the news paper, and putting that paper on the couch for your partner to read when they get up in the morning. Then say one morning you get up, make the coffee and then just go sit on the couch. Your partner comes in, looks around and says, "where's the newspaper?"
Was it your responsibility to get the newspaper? You probably just started doing it because it was 'nice' or 'it made your partner happy' and that turned into routine. Routine turns into obligation and obligation sucks. What do you mean I HAVE TO kiss you before I go to work? I HAVE TO be a certain way? I HAVE TO act a certain way? Whatever happened to being who I am in the moment and just being where I am? Could you see the look of utter disappointment and confusion on your partner's face after not seeing the newspaper on the couch that morning? How about the hurt on their face when you leave one day for work without saying I love you first? Sucks doesn't it? But guess what, you/he/she aren't obligated to do that stuff. You can be in a bad mood, you can be giddy, you can be frustrated when you get in the door in the afternoon. Don't perform. Be honest.

What happened with the door is simply this... neither of us knew how to act. That happened over a period of time and became a routine. An awkward routine. All we had to do was one of us had to call it awkward. Hey! This is weird! Is this weird to you? Yes! It's weird! Done.
Now there was a long talk about it and CC and I determined that there wasn't much more to that than "taking the lid off the jar" of the issue and letting it out there. Just let it out. Be honest. That was my lesson that day.

Intimacy!
In writing this post I came across an early roadblock. I'm writing about one man's journey (this man) towards an intimate relationship with his partner. These post won't be scheduled, they won't be on a timetable because I have to do the work before I can write about it. Hard to talk about an issue and tell you what I learned if I haven't done it. What I learned this time around was a lot about just being open, honest and non obligatory. Don't place expectations on your partner and force obligations on them. Be honest about yourself and where you are in the moment. Don't put on an act.

Tune in next time when I talk about getting rid of blockers of intimacy and open relationships.AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-44502950907739922872015-02-04T21:42:00.000-05:002015-02-04T21:42:30.650-05:00Ignore the Exit Ramp!I love a good Road Trip. I like "zoning out" on the open highway and just letting two lanes of asphalt zip under my car as I just relax into my seat. I have the ability to drive for hours without even listening to music or an audio book. Just drive man; just drive.
However, every now and then, I will get the urge to pee or need to eat. Then, I start looking for an exit ramp. Gas. Food. Clean restrooms. I have criteria for my exit choices because usually CC is with me and I want her to have those things. (I rarely succeed in the last criteria as if it's some kind of curse of the road and CC's bladder.) If it were just me then any place would do. Greasy food? Dr. Pepper? Peanut M&M's? Sold!

Is that how our relationships go too?
Oh wow this trip is long, my tolerance for this seat has reached it's max, I'm uncomfortable, we're having to talk to one another a lot, sure could use a break... oh look! A Dairy Queen! See ya!
Where I'm going with this is, our relationships may start off as an enjoyable trip with one another, but sometimes one or both of you will feel the need to take a break. Not like separation from one another or 'breaking up' but more of an emotional break. You'll kind of take your own exit and go do your own thing for a bit. You stop 'being' in the car. You take an emotional break. You cut off that path to intimacy by not sharing or not being open because... well, it's hard! Sure it's hard. But, the only way to get through that is to stay on the highway and get where you're going. You have to be your own strict parent and proclaim, 'There will be no stopping until we get there! So you best hold it!'

That road trip metaphor went on for a bit too long there. What I'm getting at here is this: We're all on a journey. Some of us have chosen to take this journey with a partner and we call that a relationship. And on this journey there will be times when there are opportunities to 'take a break' or an exit. You have to ignore those and stay on the journey. It may be hard to consistently stay on the road and keep your foot on the gas pressing forward. But that's the path you've chosen and there is no going back now. If you're making the commitment to intimacy then you have to be intimate. If your making the commitment to openness then you have to be open. If you know that honesty and emotional expression are the keys to lead you to find yourself then that's where you have to go. No time for ice cream stops. No time for fireworks stands and peach cider. Fasten your seat belt and keep your eyes on the road!

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts." -Charles Dickens

I can count on one hand how many times I've cried in the past 5+ years. Over FIVE years that I can recall; less than a handful of times. Two of those were within the last week. People say it's fucking cathartic. I think the emotional release is great, but the tears... Dear God! What? My eyes burn, my chest hurts, I get all snotty. How is that at all a good thing?

A lot of tears could be saved if we all just communicated a bit better with one another. If we just understood one another more. If we were just more open and honest. So there. World problems solved. You can all go home now.

Imagine if you can a picture that you painted back in elementary school. You were 7. Now you're 30. You've looked at this picture that your parents framed and put on the wall your whole life. It looks a bit abstract, but you love it. You're so attached to it. It's always been there. You have it on the wall of your apartment and one day your girlfriend or boyfriend looks at it and goes, 'What the hell is that? I mean really, it looks so dumb. You made that? Really? God it looks so... dumb.'
Now, you know that this art doesn't represent you but you created it. You've always had it and you've always loved it. It's been there for so long that you've grown to identify with it and then here comes this person whom you also love telling you that this thing sucks! What the hell man!?

I've gone though a lot over the past couple of years since returning to America from overseas. It hasn't been horrible by any means, but there has been a good bit of change for me. And over this time I've been anchored to one person, a loving partner whom I've grown to respect and appreciate for all that she does for me and for us. About two years ago I was going to bed one night and she was already asleep. I remember getting into bed and she woke up for just a second and I looked down and was just overwhelmed with gratitude that she was there. Overwhelmed. I looked down, smiled at her, gave her a quick kiss on the head and she went back to sleep. And, from that night until last night I have smiled at her every night before I go to bed and reminded myself how lucky I am that she's there. No matter what else is going on, no matter if I'm sick, tired, hurting, happy, or sad, she is there and I am so lucky.
Today, she told me that my smile before we go to bed is awkward, seemed forced, and out of place. Bang. Crash. Burn. Cue the tears.

Now, this happened because she had no idea why I was smiling at her. She would be going to bed either upset, thinking I was upset, feeling disconnected, feeling alone, feeling no intimacy and there's this guy looking over at her ginning like an idiot. So of course she would feel like it was forced (or fake) most of the time. But MAN, when she said that, I thought my whole world had dropped out from under me. Wow. And then it opened up. I realized that I had been forcing that smile a lot of the time. Not that my gratitude for her being my partner was any less, but my true emotions in the moment weren't always there. I didn't need to smile at her like some routine reaction to remind myself how lucky I am that she's in my life and sometimes I didn't need to be smiling at all. Maybe sometime I needed to acknowledge how I was feeling and go to bed sad, angry, upset or alone.

A lot of my problems with intimacy have come from ignoring or not acknowledging how I'm really feeling. 'It's not ok to be sad. It's not ok to be angry.' Um... yes it is. In fact, fuck you, I'm sad. There. Deal with it. I'm being honest. Part of my metaphor about the road trip from above comes back here. Be sad. Be angry. Be happy! Just be where you are, be honest about it and stick with that plan. Don't exit off to 'everything is ok' land. No it's not. Shit is fucked up! (Now if that last sentence doesn't win my a Pulitzer one day I don't know what will.)

Be honest with yourself. Start with that. Stick with that.

Tune in next time when we learn how to walk though a door without it being awkward. AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-42488053011109904302015-02-01T14:13:00.001-05:002015-02-01T14:13:05.233-05:00Jesus It's 2015!?Good morning. I just woke up to the fact that it's 2015 and I haven't written a blog since the Blogtober experiment of 2014. For those of you that are reading the posting time and notice that this is well into the afternoon yet I started with good morning, then you'll be lost here. It'll take a certain type of mind to follow whats to come here on What's Next? in 2015.

You see dear reader I plan on taking you along with me in the search for answers this year. Also, fuck, yes I realize that's it's February and I'm talking like I'm making New Year's resolutions here. Just, relax and follow along. I've come to a simple conclusion that I can no longer think my way out of the problems that I face in life. Thinking is so 2014. What I've come to realize is that my feelings are what are going to wake me up this year. Feelings. Those gooey, sticky, yucky, slimy, feeling.

What is to come is what I'm calling:

How to be More Intimate:

One Man's Journey from Emotional Barriers of Fear to Open Loving Relationships.

So let me put a stamp down here and let you know that what follows on this blog is going to be sticky and gooey. Yucky and sometimes slimy. If you're not in for a whole lot of Truth and a good bit of answering of hard questions then you might want to unsubscribe. Mark it down. February 1st is the date that you'll need to reference back to when you log on one day and ask yourself, what the hell is all this? Don't worry dear reader, there will still be a lot of rambling, some sarcasm and my natural charm throughout this blog, but there will be times when this will get a bit ugly. For those of you that might want something else from my writing, I am starting a new blog as well about some of my hotel life stories and I hope to have that up and running soon. Think about my twitter posts and expand them into whole blog posts. What you're not on Twitter? Good for you. It's a waste of time. But if you are, seriously, follow me @HolyCityAndre Now, on with the next chapter of my life and this blog at What's Next?

So about three weeks ago as I was about to get into the shower I realized that my left testicle had swollen up to about twice its normal size. Oh, you thought I was fucking around when I said things were going to get real on this blog did you? Yeah, real real. Still with me? Ok...
So as I was getting in the shower I noticed this swollen ball and you can probably imagine the thoughts that were running through my head: Oh shit, this is it! I've gotten cancer, I'm going to die! Oh I'm so young and have some much more to live for! Oh whoa is me! I'm going to die in pain... Ridiculous right? Real Ridiculous.

After a trip to the local clinic and $800+ in medical bills, my doctor determined that I had epididymitis. Now, there are several causes of epididymitis, and a few of them point to STDs. However, I figured out quickly that I had no fear of that and more likely my condition was caused from a bacterial infection. Ok, here you go, have two weeks of antibiotics and call us if it doesn't clear up. Two weeks go by, the pain and swelling go away and I figure I'm in the clear right? Wrong. A few days after I came off the antibiotics, the swelling and some of the pain returned. Uh oh.

So what I, along with my girlfriend, decided to do was what I should have done to start with and that is do some research and find more home remedies and herbs to combat this infection and cure it the more natural way. Also, what I had failed to look at is how it was that I got this infection brought into my life to start with. Why did I need to experience this and what was it that I had to learn from this experience? One of the things the infection has done is it has taken away my ability to have sex. Not my sexual desire, or physical ability, just the practicality and actual 'ability'. Nobody wants to spread infections to their partner. Gross. What I didn't consider was what all that leaves behind...

Think about your closest partner that you've ever been sexually active with. If you took away the sex from your relationship, what was left there? You both liked video games? Cool. You both liked movies? Awesome. You both enjoyed long walks on the beach at sunset? Nice. Those are activities, hobbies, and interests. What they are not is intimacy, closeness and honesty. Having an open honest conversations with your partner in life is not an easy thing to do at first. It takes practice. Being truly close to your partner is not always comfortable. Feeling their moods, their pain, their worry, their joy, their ups and downs is not always the funnest thing to be around. However, it is what leads to the meat of any relationship and that is... intimacy. Not sexual intimacy. Just intimacy.

Intimacy: Closely personal, A close familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person. Typically develops after a certain level of trust has been reached and personal bonds have been established.

So if there isn't sex to distract there isn't warmth to comfort and there isn't open honest communication, then there isn't a relationship anymore unless you have real intimacy in the relationship. So maybe my ball swelling was there to take some of those things away from me and force me to look at what was left. Forget the scare of cancer to death. Forget the pain and swelling. What was there for me to lean? Oh, that just leaves... um... you mean I need to talk about my feelings? How this makes me feel. Well I feel...

And that is where this has led us dear reader. I've taught myself through the years that I'm not allowed to express my real emotions. "There's no crying in baseball." I'm not allowed to do this, or I can't feel that because that would mean ________. If I can't allow myself to feel those things (anger, sadness, separation, love, fear) then how can I share them with my partner? How can I understand when she tries to share them with me? What's the point of having a relationship if you aren't sharing those things with one another?

So why haven't I been sharing things like this all along? Well there were the rules that I had to follow and... the fear. That's right I was afraid. Still am to be honest. I'm afraid of a lot of things when it comes to opening up my emotions to the world outside of my own mind. What if I can't control them? What if other people see them (read about them in a blog) and then judge me for that? Oh no! Oh well. The time for that is over. The time for me to start examining how to express myself and how to love myself and my ability to be intimate is now. I can't afford to have another ball swell up, another kidney stone, another pain in my ass from some pain in my ass. I'm done with that. Sorry it had to come to that for me to realize that my emotional repressions were causing my physical pain and preventing me from having the type of intimate relationships that I (and all of us really) want in my life.

As I sit now, by ball is still a little swollen, my body is still cleaning itself out, and my mind is still trying to take over an emotional task. I can't think my way out of all of this. I can only allow myself to feel my way out of it and into something so much better. I can't promise you anything here other than as I come across an emotion, it's going to appear on here and you're going to experience this journey with me. Like it or not.

A Course in Miracles: "Here is the perfect statement of my freedom. I am under no laws but God's. I am constantly tempted to make up other laws and give them power over me. I suffer only because I believe in them." W-188.AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-64302496263937976122014-10-30T12:55:00.002-04:002014-10-30T12:55:46.687-04:00Legen... wait for it... daryThey will one day write poems about the 6'5" 25-year-old from Hickory, NC who took over the World Series and put his team on his back. Yes, I will avoid the "work horse" references here dear reader.

Of course I am talking about Madison Bumgarner of the San Francisco Giants. Bumgarner the man child who talks like a hillbilly and throws a baseball like a god. Wow. He was impressive in this World Series. I wanted the Royals to win, but each year a man emerges that takes over the grand stage and does something special for his team. This year it was Bumgarner.

Of course the Royals were close. Man they were close. Alex Gordon caught a break and hit a drive and all Salvador Perez needed to do was lay off those sweet juicy high fastballs and drive the ball anywhere and the Royals would have tied the game. But that's easier said than done against Bumgarner.

I could list all his stats here, but you can go look them up yourself or tune into any sports outlet today and hear all about how awesome he was this postseason and especially the World Series.

I'll just let his awesomeness speak for itself!

Congrats to the Giants for winning the World Series... again. Only 112 days till Spring Training!!! Go Braves!
AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-23068634526738060432014-10-28T16:27:00.001-04:002014-10-28T16:27:08.093-04:00No you didn'tAs you know dear reader I work at a hotel. And at this hotel people from the public walk in all the time. And, as you know dealing with Mr. and Mrs. John Q Public is quite a pain in the ass sometimes. You do meet some really cool people but you also meet some really strange characters. These are the people that you wonder what it is that they do when they are home. How did they find their way out of bed that morning? Have they ever traveled outside of their own neighborhood? Do they know what Google is?

Now, a good part of my job is giving directions to people. Most people don't listen to me when I do.
What time is it?
Its 4 o'clock Sir.
Oh. So, what time is it?
4 p.m.
Will it rain today?
Probably not Ma'am. The weather says there is only a 5% chance of rain.
So, do you think it will rain?

<insert rage=""></insert>

Now this is much more common than I'd like to admit and shakes my faith in American society sometimes. Our foreign guests may not understand me, but at least I know they are listening. But not listening is not nearly as frustrating as those that just out and out lie to you to try and get a discount. These are the people that I just want to shake. Maybe this should be the focus of this blog for a while. Guests and the dumb shit they come up with.... What's Next?

So yesterday I had a "gentleman" check in to his room and then immediately return to the front desk to ask me where the safe was in his room.
"We don't have any in-room safes Sir."
"What? I was told there were in-room safes here."

Now, this guy made his reservation that morning, with me, over the phone. I did not tell him about in-room safes. I did talk to him about the parking, the discounted same-day rate, the free breakfast and wi-fi and all the other things we offer while waiting on him to pull the trigger on a one-night stay. But no mention of safes.

"No Sir, sorry no safes."
"Wow, well we're traveling down to Florida for the winter," (I tried to suppress and eye roll here and may or may not have done so) "and we have all my wife's jewelry with us."
"Ok Sir, well if you like you can either leave it in your room since nobody will be in or out of there except you or you can leave it locked in your car overnight in our lot that is completely secure."
"Oh no. No. We'll be fine thanks."

And off Mr. Safe goes. Now, he wasn't trying to get any kind of further discount from me so much as he was either registering a complaint about a lack of a particular kind of amenity or just needing to complain so that I would then offer him something complementary for his "trouble." Or, he could just be super paranoid about his stuff getting stolen at a hotel. Now, none of the employees here would have even been aware that his wife had jewelry in the room had he not come up to the desk and said something. Either way, this is just background for...

About an hour later I was across the street getting a bucket of ice for the lobby's beverage station. When I came in I saw Mr. Safe talking to my co-worker whose shift had just begun.

Mr. Safe: "I was told there would be safes in the room, and it was on your website!"
Co-worker: "Um, no sir that isn't something that we have on our site."
"Well I saw it on some site when I booked. I travel a lot and when I booked..."
This is when Mr. Safe realizes that I have walked into the lobby and heard him spout the same lie from an hour before and cuts off his sentence.
Co-worker: "Well sir, if you'd like to show me where you saw that I can address it with the appropriate party."
Mr. Safe: "Um, never mind. How do I get to King St?"

Really dude? You were going to try and come in here and shake down another employee for the same complaint? For what purpose? Do you not want to get out and enjoy the city on your one day in town? Arrrrgggghhhh!!!!

This dear reader is just one of many interactions that I have throughout the day that make me shake my head. Also, while I was away from this blog a minute ago I just had to hang up on a lady on the phone for the first time this year. I'm pretty good about never doing that, but every now and then, you can only take so much abuse...

AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-68500131317509415882014-10-27T15:00:00.000-04:002014-10-27T15:00:47.721-04:00Weekend oops!Hey remember that blog that I'm writing everyday? Yeah neither did I! Ha! The weekend had me doing other things and not keeping my attention on this blog dear reader; sorry.

So the World Series is going to a game six tomorrow night... Just kidding, I'm not writing another baseball blog... yet.

I'm four days away from a four day vacation! How ya like them apples? Now I am working five shifts leading up to those four days off but I'm not complaining about that since that schedule is of my doing. I decided to pick up a shift at my old job (another downtown property) just for that extra cash and because I liked working there and it's not a bad place to spend eight hours on a slow Wednesday morning. Now it does put me working 16 hours that day, but whatever.

It got me thinking about a lot of the places that I've worked over the years. I can say for just about each and every one of them that I would actually enjoy going back there and working an eight hour shift. Some of them I got a laugh out of. Now this is not a comprehensive list of all my jobs, but...

Bag boy and cashier at a grocery story. I think I'd love to do this for a day. Bagging groceries and talking to people about their day, the weather, the price of milk... whatever. For a day, I'd love it.

Go-cart track supervisor. Um, yes please. The only draw back wold be if it were a day shift. That was kind of boring. But the nights were fun and my memories are always sort of like that scene from Karate Kid where they go to the amusement park. Bad pop music blaring of the loud speakers, people smacking gum, lots of denim, flashing lights, smiles, and just Americana goodness.

Grounds keeper. Meh, this would be great if it were Fall or Spring, but that job suuuuuuucked in summer.

Librarian. Not unless I had some reading to catch up on.

Waiter. I laugh with CC because every place we go to eat I picture myself waiting tables there. It makes me wonder about the staff, the kitchen, the ups and downs of that location, the menu and everything. Kind of fun but most times I decide that I'd rather not.

I bet if you thought about it you'd probably enjoy most of your former jobs too... at least for a day anyway.AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-57509713876329849322014-10-24T19:56:00.001-04:002014-10-24T19:56:45.671-04:00You probably don't...Anyone else ever get bored at work? I know you all probably don't but every now and then I'll run across a shift where the is literally nothing going on. I feel guilty just reading a book or watching TV and there really is about a half an hour worth of crap that I can look at on the Internet before I'm bored.

So, what are acceptable things to do at work when you're bored? Write a blog? Read? Watch TV on-line? Now, before this goes too far I do want to stress that my work is done and the place is clean. So "if you got time to lean you got time to clean" doesn't apply here. The other issues is that I can't get into any really deep activity because at any moment a guest could walk in or the phone could ring. (Funny, it did just ring in the middle of me typing the word phone. A guest needed some wine glasses).

For tonight at least I have g-chat with CC who is at home and Game 3 of the World Series on the radio. I also have two British people hanging around in the lobby who, while nice prevent me from doing anything too loudly.

So I guess I should put this away and focus on what it is that's bothering me. Guilt. I feel guilty for getting paid to virtually do nothing. When I'm busy I "earn it" but when I'm not doing much it makes me feel guilty that I'm "being lazy" or "slacking off." It's strange. Sometimes I'm really happy with a slow night because it's a break from the hectic days that we've had so many of lately but for some reason tonight I felt guilty for not having more to do. I guess part of that is the fact that normally Friday nights are crazy and this one has turned out to be historically slow. But why the guilt? That's I guess what I'm struggling with this evening. Why should I feel guilty? I just happened to land on a shift where not that much is going on. Not my fault right?

It's a funny thing how close money and guilt follow one another. Did you spend a lot of money on that new shirt? Feel a bit guilty about it? Money has never been that big of a deal for me but that guilt that comes with it sure has. Not that I've ever had that much money to feel guilty about so...

Anyway! Game 3 is about to get started so I'm going to open the door, let the Fall air in, and crank up the radio. Play Ball Dear Reader!

AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-86974708741234172172014-10-22T20:47:00.000-04:002014-10-22T20:47:23.928-04:00Get to bloggin'I have no idea what to write about tonight. I've felt kind of sad all day for some random reason that I'm unaware of. Just haven't felt "into it" today.

CC and I are fostering two kittens from our local shelter until they are old enough and big enough to be 'fixed' and sent out for adoption. We've had them for a month and this morning I took them for their final checkup before they schedule their surgery. So today I found out that we'll have them until Monday morning when I'll have to go drop them off to never see them again. This is not why I'm sad dear reader but it sure didn't help snap me out of my funk. These two kitties are super cute too. We had them for more than two weeks before they even weighed a pound. So super cute, but I digress...

Maybe I can blame it on the first game of the World Series being such a bust. Great pitching from the Giants but not too exciting overall. I was so happy to be able to sit on my couch and watch it even if CC wasn't into it and I felt like I missed time hanging with her. But, she had shows to watch too. Game one was like getting hyped for a Super Bowl and then having a blowout. One team looks good, the other... not so much. But, the beauty of the Series is that we have a potential 6 more games. I'm currently listening to Game 2 on the radio at work while I have our front door open to let the Fall breeze in. I love baseball on the radio and cool weather. Makes me feel more American, more alive, more grounded. No it doesn't, but I really like it.

Damn Jake Peavy keeps stepping off and making me forget what the count is! Ooooh but the Royals just tied it. Sometimes listening on the radio can get a bit confusing. Lots of numbers to try and remember. Thank you Internet for having instantly updated box scores though.

Anyway, I'm not trying to write back to back baseball blogs but that seems to be what this is turning into since I can't think of anything other than baseball and giving away little fluffy kitties. I have nothing to offer you today dear reader. I'm just here typing out words until I decide to call this post over.

Over.AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-53396439206229412702014-10-21T16:15:00.000-04:002014-10-21T16:15:41.867-04:00Fall Fantastic!So tonight the World Series kicks off and for once, since the Braves aren't in it, I have a favorite. Of course I'm speaking of America's new darlings the Kansas City Royals. I'm not a huge fan of the San Francisco Giants but I don't harbor hate in my heart for them either. Well, not a whole lot anyway.

The Royals have won this year with a brand of baseball that the modern fan "hates" to watch. Some would call it fundamental baseball or "small ball." Lots of bunts, running, solid pitching and a good bullpen. CC is not a big fan of baseball but if you ask her who to blame for a loss, she knows to tell you, "the bullpen." In football, defense wins championships. In baseball, pitching wins pennants. I don't mind the Royals' brand of baseball despite my love for all things statistics and I think with the right group of guys it could work on a lot of teams.

But, if pitching wins, these two teams are about as close to each other in pitching as you can get. SF had a 2014 team ERA of 3.50, a BAA (Batting average against) of 2.41 and gave up 564 earned runs.
Kansas City finished ever so slightly below that with a team ERA of 3.51, a BAA of 2.50 and 565 earned runs.

Now, KC lives and dies by their bullpen a bit more than SF who has a touch more dominance in their starting staff. This shows up with an 82% save percentage for KC where SF only converted 72% of their save chances. But as we know, pitching is helped out by defense and KC has one of the best defenses in the game despite committing the 9th most errors in baseball this year. (Remember, defensive stats are deeper than errors and putouts. The eye-test can help a lot with that too). The Royals also had one of the lowest defensive chance totals on the year too which again speaks to their pitching.

Blah Blah Blah. Chicks dig the long-ball and offense sells tickets; so what about the bats? Here is where heroes are made in October. And, when it comes to offense this is where you start to have more of a rooting interest in the players and their stories. Neither team is an offensive juggernaut so it's really more about the stories.

San Francisco has a couple of guys that no matter your affiliation, you have to pull for. Travis Ishikawa was almost out of baseball and a 30-something year old guy wasting away in the minor leagues before getting called up by the Giants this year and eventually hitting the home run that sent them to the World Series. Buster Posey is just awesome and Tim Hudson is one of my favorite players in MLB. (Former Brave). Michael Morse was all but a dead end prospect bust, he's still not great but he is doing well and Joe Panik is a rookie story that anyone can fall in love with. Really the only douche bag on this team is Angel Pagan and he's hurt and not even on the roster. So, yea for that!

Kansas City also has a ton of fun guys on the roster. Mike Moustakas is a legend in KC already after picking up a bar tab for half the city after the Royals won the ALCS. Well and he's a fun guy that "the every man" can relate to. The Royals also have two Latin players that are good TV and funny guys in Escobar and Salvador Perez. Perez especially is must see TV. He caught more innings this year than any other catcher in the majors and is a giant Shrek of a man who wears women's perfume because the umpires like the smell. The Royals are that blue collar mid-western team that has an funny way of coming up winners. Oh and they have a Korean Super Fan that has all of Asia on their side too. And, Aoki who, while a shitty fielder, is fun to watch.

A few years ago the Royals made a decision to take what everyone else was doing and do the opposite. Everyone was paying big money for big named home run hitting free agents (See Josh Hamilton, Pujols, A-Rod, Cabrera, and Fielder). The Royals built for defense and bullpen dominance. You want big named starters? We want journeymen middle relievers. You want a high strikeout rate but big power? We want on-base percentage and line-drives. Back loaded contracts? We'll take short-term deals and arbitration. This didn't really workout until this year. Their last playoff appearance was 1985. Now they look like geniuses after building slowly, but their fans have had YEARS of suffering through mediocrity leading up to this. Will this be a one hit wonder? Will the Royals formula work in the long term? Guess we'll have to revisit that in 2018.

The Giants on the other hand have been a model of consistency for the past decade. They won the Series in 2010 and 2012 and have done so without ever being a dominant or even being favored. They were the wild-card team this year and are in most circles the underdog in this series. However, you should never count them out of a series. They've always had good pitching and usually have an anemic offense at best. This year the offense is a bit better and the pitching is still, as I pointed out, better than most. The Giants are a team that is built for the playoffs. Series wins instead of the marathon season.

So what does this all mean? It means we should have a good series between two evenly matched teams. This hopefully won't be a 4-0 series that is all lopsided. The whole of the 2014 playoffs has been great with a ton of close games so far. I haven't gotten to watch all of it to be sure, but just reading and highlights can tell you that this year has been special. Plus, no Yankees, no Red Sox, no problem. I hope the Royals win, I hope the Giants keep it close, I hope that all the games are fun.

Damn it dear reader the World Series is here! Fall! Classic! Let's do this!AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-12854015737793177692014-10-20T22:11:00.000-04:002014-10-20T22:11:21.715-04:00Blagh-toberDamn this blog stuff is tough. Everyday, damn you dear reader, you demand different topics from me! What am I an endless source of knowledge here to fill your ever emptying cup with knowledge? Well, yeah, I know that I am, but still... it's hard to come up with topics everyday.

Tonight I had a great dinner with CC. We went to a good spot downtown that is not a tourist destination and we had a good meal. Good wine, good food, great dessert and of course great company. It's nice. A Monday night, no responsibility other than to ourselves. We had a good time. We weren't worried about the bill or who was waiting on us at home. We just went and had dinner and didn't worry. Makes for a good time.

So tomorrow dear reader, as I'm sure you know, the World Series starts. I'll be back with my baseball preview then.

Good night!AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-40458546186343163012014-10-19T15:24:00.000-04:002014-10-19T15:24:56.239-04:00Don't Bring Your Guns to TownI need more Johnny Cash in my life. Where's the I-pod when you need it? Damn work on Sunday. Nothing but old people and missed mimosas.

Anyway, as you can see I missed another posting yesterday. Oops. I was busy hanging with my girlfriend and some friends of ours. Also, I didn't have any free time in the evening due to a wonderful meal and then some indigestion afterwards. Not meal related and I won't go into that here. (Today anyway).

What I will discuss today is gun ownership. I kinda want one. I have a friend that is really into them and has quite a collection and we went shooting yesterday. He is really knowledgeable and able to explain a lot about the different types of guns, bullets, and action. It's really fun and I love to shoot.

Now, the sticky part of this is gun ownership. I'm really on the fence about it because I've never really wanted to be "a gun owner." I'm not afraid of them. I'm not paranoid that I'm going to be a victim of a crime and I'm not afraid that someone in my home would injure themselves with a gun kept in the home. I'm not worried about the cost or the maintenance.

Sooooo.... what's the issue? Well one, I can barely decide what shirt I want to wear everyday so now I have about a billion options on what gun to buy. Oh man! The options! And, most of them are a lot of fun to shoot. And two, I need to discuss it with my partner in "crime" CC about bringing a gun into our home. I would never be the person who would bring a gun into our home if in any way it made her uncomfortable. I'd want her to be comfortable with it and shooting it was well. So then I have to find a gun that isn't too much gun for her either. Aaaaaggggghhh!!!

There is something very 'Murican about gun ownership which kinda creeps me out too. This is me and this is my gun? Plus there is the aspect that with ownership you may be calling gun situations into your life. Does that make sense? I need one of those pro/con lists of gun ownership for me I guess.

I do enjoy shooting, and I'd like to get more into it and get better at it, but... can't make up my mind. I guess that kind of answers my question there too. I should probably continue to wait before making a decision on it.AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-71640021919633276372014-10-17T22:09:00.001-04:002014-10-17T22:09:55.496-04:00Not happeningMy lord, I had this whole post planned out for you dear reader and now it's post 10pm on a Friday night and all I want to do is go home and curl up with CC and go to bed. Work just went on far too long for me to be able to type out all that I wanted for you tonight.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get to it. Maybe I won't. But I promise. It'll be a good one.

Goodnight!AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-62922519210262058022014-10-16T16:43:00.000-04:002014-10-16T16:43:08.751-04:00Every Day has it's... Day?Today is National Boss'(s) Day, World Food Day, National Dictionary Day, and National Feral Cat Day. So feed a homeless bossy cat today would you.

Every month has three or four causes. October is Breast Cancer and Bullying. And, this blog of course is a national treasure this moth too but I digress. There was National Talk like a Pirate Day not too long ago, National Coffee Day, Food Truck Day... What the fuck day is it?

Why can't I just have a Thursday? Breast Friends Thursday? (Yes that's a real thing). Throwback Thursday? No. Just Thursday. You don't need a picture of me from 15 years ago and a paragraph about my nostalgia for my old Nintendo and Lunchables. It's just freakin' Thursday.

At first I tried to embrace all these "days" and their causes but after a while I was just over it. Now it kind of makes me laugh a bit. (I know this next sentence will make me sound like an old man) If we'd have had National Bullying Awareness Month when I was in middle school, bullies would have demanded ribbons and lunch money from us. National Bullying Month is a chance to identify who the rats are in your class kids. Report a bully? I smell cheese. As my friend Ben was fond of saying, "snitches get stitches." Report a bully to your fist not the hall monitor. All that suppressed rage you have over dealing with your parents, the bully is your outlet. (I know kids don't read my blog, so we're good here dear reader).

What I'm asking is are all these recognition days really all that important or is the fact that now there are so many of them that no day is even heard about outside of a tweet. #TodayIsNational___

All these cancer awareness things do nothing. We're all so numb to them now. Pink. I see pink things. Ok. And why is it awareness? We're all aware. When do we get Cure-ness? I never hear about doctors in a lab mixing things over Bunsen burners. All I see are people shaving their heads for awareness. You're not curing cancer by shaving you're head. You're saving money on shampoo.

Where was I going with this? I don't mean to rant on people doing what they think is a good thing and something that makes them feel better about themselves. Well, as long as they know that's what it's really all about. #CancerRant

I want some coffee. That's me being honest with myself. So, I'm going to go get some right now. See ya tomorrow dear reader. (Unless I forget).AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-40241465720856484142014-10-15T21:15:00.000-04:002014-10-15T21:15:33.422-04:00On a Scale of 1-10?I was talking to an adviser today who helped me realize that on an anger scale of 1-10, I have no plans for 3-8. I'm either calm on the surface and stewing on the inside or I'm a fucking atom bomb ready to blow.

I can do 1 or 2. I can do 9 or 10. I can't seem to find levels 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, or 8. I can either do nothing and accept the problem or issue as reality or I can let so much stuff get to me and let that build up until I completely overreact and blow up. If you step on my foot I may bring up that dirty dish you "made me wash" five years ago. I didn't have to wash it. I just did and then stayed angry at you for it. Crazy sounding right? It's the rantings of a crazy person on the blog tonight dear reader.

Really when you realize that you've been doing something dumb for a long time you feel like a crazy person. Now, the question is, will you keep doing it?

My task (should I choose not to ignore it) is to find ways to respond to situations that are somewhere between 3 and 8 on the angry scale. I don't have to even be right. I just have to find different ways of reacting to things that annoy me so that I have options. It's not black and white. It's not right or wrong. Sure I'd love to be a Zen Master about every situation but that isn't going to happen right now. Right now I just have to not allow myself to be walked on and then bottling up my frustration or blowing up on someone for a minor annoyance. If I have to get angry, I need to find an appropriate level of anger.

Also, just remember: You give Love, You get Love. (Random capitalization is Mine and Random).AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-66227149890444295772014-10-14T15:43:00.002-04:002014-10-14T15:43:24.749-04:00Welp!Missed another one yesterday. Didn't realize it till I was driving into work today after one shitty morning.

Ya ever get woken up to do an adult thing and then do that adult thing before wanting to complain about it? I did this morning. Clogged toilet 20-30 minutes before I have to normally get up had me up and moving and concerned about overflow issues before I was even aware that I was doing adult things. Adult things: Those responsible calm acts that you have to do and can't complain about because there is no other person to do it for you. No calling parents, no pushing it under the bed. I did call maintenance because I aint no plumber but I did the best I could before they got there.

Well, this is my apartment complex, so despite several calls, nobody ever showed up. I went to the office at 9am to find that it was a complex wide water problem that had everyone backed up. Ended up having to go into work early to take care of some other business and I'm hopping that by the time I get off that everything will be fixed at home. I did call and they did say that the water for the entire complex was fixed. But again, this is my apartment complex and they aint the greatest.

Adult things make me laugh. They make me cry sometimes too. When ever I think, 'man this is really hard and I don't like doing it' I just ask: Who else is going to do it? Nobody else was going to change out my hubcaps last week. Nobody else is going to do my laundry on my day off even though I want to lay on the couch. Now, CC will bring me ice-cream, so that's nice.

Sometimes I like doing adult things. Paying bills doesn't bother me. Grocery shopping doesn't bother me. Plunging toilets doesn't bother me either. I'm starting to get better at other adult things too like talking about my feelings, being honest with myself about my life and my desires in it, dealing with my anger when it comes up, finding my fears and trying to deal with my sources of anxiety...

There are other adult things I'm still not good at or even feel like I'm making all that much progress in: confrontation and confronting others, being assertive in my relationships, being forgiving to others, and showing love to others no matter what. These are also things I need to be working on. However, I'll get around to these when they come to me. Day by day ya know?

I've found that I can't just work on one thing. They're all connected and they all come and go. I need to show love always. I need to be honest to myself always. I need to work on forgiveness when there is a slight or a perceived injury. I can't decide to do one one day and just get it out of the way. I wish I could.

You're life is like a toilet dear reader. Don't wait until it gets all backed up to deal with an issue. Flush daily and don't put too much on yourself at once.

I should write a book of this gold.AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-42387819345237166192014-10-12T21:37:00.001-04:002014-10-12T21:37:18.879-04:00Weekend in a flashEver look up on a Friday and thank the good lord for the weekend ahead only to look down on Sunday night and wonder where your time went? Sometimes that happens and you feel like you either slept too much or not enough, you either weren't productive enough or you didn't relax enough and you just may feel a little guilty about one of those things.

Sometimes you have an opportunity to get something done that you'e been waiting for for a while but when the time comes you either can't or don't want to do it.

I was presented with an opportunity this weekend to have a conversation with a family member and I didn't take it. I was either distracted by other information presented to me, unable to find a chance to approach the subject, unwilling to make an opportunity, or maybe it was something else all together. Maybe because I was so open to the idea that everything would be taken out of my hands and taken care of that the best thing was for nothing to happen at all. Could that be it?

Could what I'm viewing as a missed opportunity really be what was supposed to happen? Could me missing this chance to change things be the lesson here? Hey look! These are the types of things you're missing by not asserting yourself and making things happen. Or maybe this was, like I said, what was supposed to happen and I did the right thing by not doing anything at all.

I understand that you have no context for this dear reader, but I needed to make a note here for myself to come back and look at later. So much changed, but nothing changed at all.

AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-34329824652274617492014-10-11T21:10:00.000-04:002014-10-11T21:10:33.560-04:00Beach Day BluHa! Went to the beach, had a few beers, spent time with some family and ate at a restaurant named Blu. That was my day today dear reader. I did manage to watch about 20 minutes of college football in there too.

There is something to be said for the beach in the off season. Sure you can't get out and sunbathe all day long and sure the crowd can be a little cheaper and not as "normal" as a beach crowd is normally, but it's quiet. It's still warm and it's still beautiful.

I love my girlfriend and I love that we find ways to have times out on the beach and near the ocean together. We both enjoy it and I think we both enjoy being out there together.

That is all...AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-90702033765808727622014-10-10T21:03:00.000-04:002014-10-10T21:03:45.367-04:00Young and Carefree I work at a hotel/inn as most of you know. Today is Friday and we are always busy on Fridays. Today was no exception. However, I came in today and found a new face near the door wearing a valet uniform. So I went inside to ask what it was I was looking at here.

"Hey, where's XXX?"

"XXX is no longer with us. He quit."

Well shit. So now we have a super busy Friday and a new guy who knows nothing about the property and has never been a valet before. (Shockingly, it does involve more than parking cars).

"Wait," I continued. "How did we get this guy here then?"

Apparently, during our last round of hiring, we kept his resume on file. (Shockingly, people do do that).

Now a ton of other things are going on on this particular Friday, but I won't bore you with all that. What I will say is that after some more questions and some texting I determined that our 25 year old Mr. XXX had a weekend full of concert tickets in a city 5 hours away that he wanted to go to. He didn't get those days off, so he just quit his job and went to the concerts.

Now, I in no way appreciated this as a co-worker who now has to participate in the training of a new employee on a busy Friday with two off days a mere eight hours away. However, part of me wanted to say to Mr. XXX, "Good for you man! Rock on! Enjoy it!" Because, damn the man. I want to go to a rock concert. Fuck this job.

Now if you're the type who wants to just go on living as you are right now, then what would make you think this was a bad idea? Rock-n-Roll never dies right? This Mr. XXX can come back to town and get a job waiting tables or parking cars just about anywhere else. This isn't going to stop him from being able to do that. He may eventually burn through every place in town, but that'll take years! So, make some money, have some fun and then move on.

What keeps the rest of us from being able to do that? A sense of responsibility? Obligation? Right from Wrong? Who knows. Part of me hates that we got left high and dry by this kid. Part of me just says, "good for you." Get another tattoo, turn the volume up, point your middle finger to the world and rock on.

Sorry, I would type some more on this, but I have to do some more catch up work while wearing my white shirt and necktie.AJhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-2146294595511635502014-10-09T16:33:00.002-04:002014-10-09T16:33:19.993-04:00Like a rollin' stoneSo, just as a piece of insight, I have kidney stones. Sounds like an old man disease, but it mostly affects men between the ages of 30 and 40. So there.

They started on me about a month or so ago and got to the point where I actually had to go have myself looked at by an actual "doctor." Now I don't have the 'giving birth to a small child' stones, I have the series of "small" stones that feel like a BB that slides around your back, down through your abdomen and then... well... out. Its painful. Not drop to your knees painful, but pretty rough sometimes.

The reason that I've gotten on this topic today is that after a break from these little bastards for a while, I had one roll through on me last night. Ugh. Sitting at work with nowhere to go and no place to lay down. (Ironic for a hotel I know). So anyway, this hell span is rolling through my body and I'm sitting here trying to make it through my shift and then I started going through ways to find home remedies.

So I've used apple cider vinegar, lemon juice, and tons of water. That has been tired. I then found that I need to order some Dandelion Root and Uva Ursi. I've stayed hydrated. Trust me. I'm hydrated. But man, these little things just seem to keep coming back. I was ok this morning but right after I headed into work I felt another one leave my left kidney and start its journey through my urinary track.

Too much information dear reader? Sorry. They say that these stones run in the family and mine sure does have a history of them. However I'm less and less inclined to believe such hereditary excuses these days. Others say stones are caused by unresolved anger. My family also has a history of that.

I'd like to believe that I can find a way to release that anger a lot more productively and creatively rather than leaving it all balled up and then allowing to manifest as hell spawn prongs that I then have to let rip through me. I'm better than that. I can treat my body well through diet and exercise and I can treat my whole system well by clearing my mind out and letting a lot of anger go.

But why oh why am I so angry? I don't feel like an angry guy. I don't come across that way nearly as much as I used to when I was younger, so... what's the deal? No seriously, what is it? I'm at a loss. Trying to dig up 5,000 things from the past that I could be still angry about seems pointless. If that exercise seems pointless then how could any anger it digs up have any meaning to me? Is that the trick? It seems pointless so therefore it isn't? I'd rather live in the moment and deal with what's going on with me now. But, now for some reason feels great! I'm being much more honest with myself and I'm much more open about what's going on in my life. Where is the anger? I'd being lying if I said I didn't feel it "down there" but its not "present" on the surface everyday, so I seem to have the ability to either ignore it or have the disability of not being able to see it.

Kidney Stones. They suck! Anger. It sucks! I've gotta go dear reader. Still work to be done here this afternoon and I've got some more water to drink. Only a few more ounces and I can probably get rid of this last one passing through.AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-16923503696519191562014-10-08T20:49:00.000-04:002014-10-08T20:49:09.501-04:00Not so fast!Well well well... look who is remembering to post his blog tonight. I feel like this is something of an exercise like beginning a new daily vitamin or starting a new exercise routine. Once I get into it and stop being lazy I'll feel better and have a renewed sense of energy.

Right now though it's more of a pain to let my fingers just click along again as I get my thoughts to appear in random letters on the page/screen. I wonder what this exercise will really bring. Will I have a renewed love of blogging? Will I find an inspirational topic to get on a soap box about? Will I just use it as a way to turn off all the other stuff rolling around in my head and spend 10 minutes just typing. God I bet that would make for some terrible reading. Me randomly typing for 10 minutes. Then again, it could start a new religion. Ya never know dear reader.

I was thinking about writing about baseball tonight but I've decided to hold off on that until the W.S. starts in about two weeks. I love the match-ups for the LCS(s) by the way, but I want to wait for the Fall Classic before I make my comments on the year. That and I don't feel like going into the failings of the Braves right now.

So tonight I think I'll write about cheese. Literally I had no idea what I was going to write about until I just forced myself to type that sentence and see what word it would end on. I don't even know all that much about cheese. But...

I do like cheese. I got stuck for a while on making ad campaign style rhymes using cheese names. It was fun, but I won't force you to read all of them here since I had a ton of them and ya never know, I may need to sell one to Kraft one day just to pay rent. I eat cheese sticks still. I like the Colby ones. Or Sharp Cheddar. I like sharp cheeses and ones with pepper in them. Of course who doesn't love a good grilled cheese with soup or just by itself. Shredded cheese always seems like the best bet because you can either put it on something like a salad or chili or use it in your sandwich. You just have to be careful in preparation then.

Goat cheese is where its at for me these days though. Warm goat cheese. You put some warm goat cheese with just about anything and its going to be awesome. Mmmm... I've had some different dishes over the past year that have used goat cheese to perfection. Also, CC and I tend to order a lot of cheese plates when we go out as apps. I like all kinds of those random little cheeses. Sheep's cheese though sometimes still gives me flashbacks to Muganlo; and that smell. So, for the most part I shy away from the sheep cheeses. I'll always give them a nibble, but never really enjoy them all that much.

I've always thought the process of cheese making was really interesting. Milk to cheese. Then moldy cheese. Science! Am I right? I should have paid better attention in chemistry class. I could be making my own soap, cheese, drugs; you name it. We do have homemade deodorant at the house. Love that stuff. Sorry, I'm leaving the cheese topic. I got distracted by science. Damn you science!

So really there isn't a whole lot that you can't make better with some cheese. And, with all the different types there's some cheese out there for every dish and everybody. I really would like to eat more cheese, but then I'd just be eating straight crackers or bread a lot. I need to find more ways to get more cheese around me. And not that crappy powdered stuff or squeeze cheese either. More of the smoked, sharp, good kind of stuff.

Yeah I think I said earlier that I don't know a lot about cheese. So I think me spending a few paragraphs saying, "I like it." will have to do for now. I bet when I read all this its going to sound like a fifth grader's homework essay.

Anyway, that's the blog for today dear reader. It's obviously going to be a long month with a lot of work in progress...AJhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-5881009551252902933.post-28164808764527138272014-10-08T08:20:00.001-04:002014-10-08T08:20:48.702-04:00Um, about that posting I promisedWow! This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. It's amazing how you can be thinking about doing something all day and then when some free time comes around it completely slips your mind. I was busy from 8am until about 9pm last night and then with my two hours of free time I just wanted to relax and not think about anything. Certainly didn't think about writing a blog.

Tonight though. Tonight I will I'll come up with a topic and make sure I get a post up here for you dear reader. Hint: It'll probably be about baseball.AJhttp://email@example.com


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Couple honors memory of brothers
Stan and Judy Young of Thousand Oaks said a $500 donation is a gift of love in memory of two men: Dr. Dean Young, Stan's younger brother; and Fred Braun, Judy's older brother.
Dean Young was a New York neurologist who graduated from Harvard Medical School. Braun was a salesman and Little League father who had three wonderful children, Judy Young said.
She said her brother was very protective when they were growing up. "We got along beautifully."
The couple said the family loved both men very much.
New Donors:
In memory of my parents, Mary Clark Gula and Henry E. Gula. Lisa Schewe: $500.
In loving memory to all my loved ones, gone, but not forgotten. Patsy Jorgensen: $300.
In loving memory of our son, Victor Larsen, and family and friends we lost this past year: Hillary Larsen, Richard Mark, Sarah Ulam and Hazel Steinberg. Gaylord and Muriel Larsen: $75.
In loving memory of my husband, Dair; my parents, George and Lula Allen; and my brother Wayne. Barbara Bonham: $25.
Bruce and Jean Dempsey: $50.
In loving memory of our sons, Tom and Harry, who departed this earth recently. Richard and Hilda Halpin: $100.
My husband spent 98 days in the hospital and five weeks in bed at home last year – eight surgeries on his right knee. Thank you everyone who prayed for him, especially my walking buddies Pearl, Lola, Ginger, Joanne, Barbara and Edie. Jo Ann Moore: $100.
In memory of my wonderful husband, Earl Pape, and our dear mother, Mamie Jennings. Kathie and Anne: $500.
For those less fortunate. John and Theresa Bonadio: $150.
To assist those in need. Evelyn Hall: $50.
In memory of Forrest C. Henry Jr. Helen P. Henry and Forrest C. Henry: $40.
In memory of my husband, Bernard C. "Barney" Hart, a longtime employee of The Star who always contributed to the Bellringer, and my parents, Paul and Esther Townsend. Merry Christmas to all! Carol Ann Hart: $175.
In memory of Lee Roebuck. Edna Roebuck: $50.
To share the joy of the season. Pamela Mortensen: $100.
In memory of our beloved relatives: Luanne and William Fox, Marion and Oz Fox, Ginnie and Chuck Fox, Marilyn and Leonard Nussbaum, and Allen Wiens. Rebecca Fox: $50.
In memory of Mirko Basich. Anonymous: $500.
In loving memory of my husband, Gordon. Elsie Glisson: $50.
Samuel and Audrea Merryman: $25.
In memory of Chuck Thomas and John Willson. Karin and John Grennan: $25.
In memory of our son, Harry Lee Jr., and our parents. Thank you for your work for the Bellringer. Carolyn and Harry Maynard: $50.
In memory of Billy and Audrey Clower. The Billy Clower Dancers: $100.
I have donated to the Bellringer every year since my friend and neighbor, Julius Gius, started it. This year, I want to donate in memory of my departed business partners, Gerry Biller, O.C. Vance, Mike Egri, T.M. Bayless, Walter Hoffman and Bill Worthington. C. Eugene Thrift: $300.
Merry Christmas to all, and a big thank you to the Salvation Army for all their work. Norma Nick Taylor: $200.
In memory of Duane "Trace" Tracy, who gave to the Bellringer every year, so we wish to keep his tradition ongoing! His family and all his dear friends miss him! Trace was a man with a huge heart who will be remembered by so many he helped. His generosity throughout the year, and not just at Christmas, was well known. His great-grandsons Knox and Sayer would have loved to have known him! John and Sherry Brockus: $50.
In loving memory of our brothers Dean Young and Fred Braun. Stan and Judy Young: $500.
In honor of all those who serve to help keep our country safe. Joyce M. Wiechert: $50.In memory of my parents, grandparents, Gilbert and Marjorie Sacher, and my brother, uncle, Michael Sacher. Pat Tillman, Tim McDonell and Susan Barrios: $200.
In memory of my mother, Dicie Marshall. John Marshall: $50.
In memory of my grandmother Mamie Conley. John Marshall: $50.
In memory of my uncle Ed Samples. John Marshall: $50.
In memory of my uncle Bill Law. John Marshall: $50.
Thank you for this wonderful way of helping less fortunate people. Our daughter, Heidi, would be 45 this year (May 30, 1983-2011), in her memory $45. Dennis and Irma Tierney: $45.
In memory of our parents, brothers, and Princess, who have gone on before us. Myra and Robert Joe: $200.
In memory of Warren Faue, a man with a beautiful spirit. Judy and Les Vielbig: $50.
In loving memory of three very dear people, all of whom are missed so very much. My dear "kid brother" Fred: You may have been younger, but I looked up to you my entire life — I miss you still. My precious grandson, Jamie: your smile and big hugs — never to be forgotten. And my treasured friend, Ruth Gove — a most loving and true friend. I miss our wonderful, laugh-filled visits — you are a once-in-a-lifetime friend. Love, Sharon M.: $150.
For all the good work you do! Gary and Sonja Corwin: $50.
Today's total: $5,010.
Previous total: $18,181.12.
Total to date: $23,191.12.
Please make checks out to Bellringer and send them to:
Ventura County Star
P.O. Box 6006
Camarillo, CA 93011
The Star's annual Bellringer drive will run through Christmas, with the newspaper publishing a daily list of new contributions, except on Mondays. Although The Star acknowledges all contributions, donors can remain anonymous if desired. All money raised will be given to the Salvation Army to serve needy local people.
Subscribe to the Ventura County Star
Need Help? Call us at 1-877-710-6182.
Monday-Friday: 6am-3pm / Saturday: 6:30am-10:30am / Sunday: 7am-11am

subset: commoncrawl


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A mix of sci-fi and horror, set in the not so distant 2072. A story about a new kind of psychopath given... : Science Fiction » Read
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text:
Do not automaticaly exclude all green sensitizing dyes from the red sensitizing list. When I started working with green sensitive SDE3008, I got very frustrated when my "green sensitized" emulsions, with only SDE3008 kept turning bright violet. I, in fact, had a panchro emulsion and did not know it. It did not seam funny at the time. But I was shure I had not made an adition mistake. Yet the evidence said I had. Or so I thought.
As it is turning out, I do not need a second dye, SDA3057, for red sensitzation.


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Eighteen States are getting a reprieve from the Obama Administration in rolling out an Obamacare provision that requires their State-managed insurance markets to offer an array of coverage to small business employees.
In granting the delay, the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) did not decline any of the 18 States that petitioned for more time to deploy the employee choice feature of the Small Business Health Options Program (SHOP), according to The Hill.
"The delays mean that small-business employees seeking to buy health insurance in the SHOP system will only have one option in those 18 states," The Hill reported today. "The Affordable Care Act intended to allow customers on the SHOP exchange to pick from a variety of options, but the rollout of that feature has been delayed several times."
The delay represents the latest in a long line of unilateral decision by the Obama Administration to forestall or selectively implement portions of the Affordable Care Act following its poorly-received and problem-plagued rollout last October.
Most of the States that petitioned CMS to delay the employee choice feature are those that declined to expand Medicaid coverage under Obamacare's Federal matching-funds program, along with six that have accepted the expanded Medicaid program.
They include Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Delaware, Illinois, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine, Michigan, Montana, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota and West Virginia.


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This delightful Blue and White Transferware Pottery Butter Pat, features a scene with two Quail beneath a fantasy tree with exotic flowers. It is fully marked with the Quail in a circle mark used by Furnival, in Cobridge, Staffordshire, England, from 1913. This one was made in 1921 and has the English registration mark for that year. It measures 3" across, and is in perfect condition, with no chips or cracks, I do not think it was ever used, just a much loved part of a large collection we purchased on our recent buying trip. Please be sure to click on photo for enlargement and more pictures so that you can really enjoy this lovely piece. Thank you for shopping with us and please take a minute or two to check out some of our other treasures, and come back to visit anytime, you are always welcome.
Antiques and Collectibles, Fine China, Porcelain, Cups and Saucers, Egg Cups, Wood Carving, Advertising, Head Vases and more.


text: > View Product Details Please select the size of the product. Please enter valid quantity. Rebecca Minkoff magenta cracked leather 'Vincent' convertible minaudiere overview details Retail: $325.00 Reduced: $113.97 $113.97 color : We're sorry. This style is sold out. Magenta Store away your nighttime necessities in style with a minaudiere bag by Rebecca Minkoff! Color: Magenta Cracked leather with polished goldtone hardware Hinged box design Pyramid studded kisslock closure Optional 47�'' chain strap Polka dot printed fabric lining with patch pocket Measures approximately 8�'' at widest x 5'' tall at center x 1�'' deep; weighs lbs. Leather; Imported; style#321465802


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William Winand Chocolatier
William Winand Chocolatier
Woodstock, Vermont
Fine French Chocolates and Patisserie Handcrafted in Vermont
Mendian ts
Ancient Mayan and Aztec legend holds that the god Quetzlcoatl brought cacao trees to the people, and he taught them to make chocolate. They believed that eating chocolate brought them wisdom and power. Today, people all over the world enjoy this mythical, magical food.
An Ancient Gift
Currently we are not accepting orders online. Please email us at firstname.lastname@example.com to inquire about current products and order information. Thank you..
Vermont Craftsmanship
At William Winand Chocolatier, we combine artisan chocolate making techniques with Vermont craftsmanship to produce French inspired chocolates of unparalleled quality and taste.
Our chocolates are handcrafted in small batches using Valrhona Couvertures. To this we add Vermont cream, butter, honey, and maple syrup plus the finest fruits, nuts, herbs, spices, flavors and liquors. Our goal is to create flavors and textures that compliment or enhance the true flavor of fine chocolate rather than to overwelm it.


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This is our second time at Endeavour Heights; I don't think we would go elsewhere when staying in Kaikoura. Magnificent views, great accommodation, wonderful breakfasts and really warn friendly hosts. Great value for money.
We stayed three nights at Endeavour Heights, and we found the view spectacular, the style modern and the owners kind, friendly and non-intrusive. The breakfasts were tasty and diverse. We will stay again.
This B&B is a stylishly decorated and very comfortable with private access via an external staircase.
The view over the bay is spectacular and there are good walks straight from the house.
We really loved our stay with out hosts Janice and Grant. This is the longest we have ever stayed in a single B&B, with our 4 nights in early April. We truly enjoyed every minute of it. The view from our deck was breathtaking, particularly for the sunrise over the ocean and watching the coastal range light up as the...
We loooved our last minute stay at Endeavour Heights. The apartment was gorgeous and the view is just stunning. The host was lovely, even offering to cook our freshly caught crayfish (as there are no cooking facilities in the room). Complete privacy, we enjoyed a meal on the balcony overlooking Kaikoura and a very comfy nights sleep.
The value for...
Enjoyed our stay - our room was gorgeous - its more of a self contained apt than a room. It is entirely separate to the main house - up your own flight of stairs from your car. Complete privacy to come and go as you wish you don't enter the main house at all. The owners are very nice -...
Recommended to us by some friends, we were not disappointed. Very high standard, large, lush room with a large balcony offering splendid views of the bay, the mountains and sunrises. A large double bed, enormous bathroom with separate shower and fantastic bath tub with a view of the sea. Large TV with DVDs and SkyTV. Helpful and friendly owners who...
My husband and I spend 24 days driving through NZ. We saw and did a lot of things, but Kaikoura really got into my heart and this B&B is definitely my favorite!
It's up on a hill of the peninsula and has the most stunning views of the mountains and the sea. The owners Janice and Grant did a great...


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Respond to Review of CLOSED: Loving Hut NYC
by A.Z.P.
Review: My momma always taught me... "if you dont have anything nice to say... than dont say anything at all"... that being said, this review will definitely disappoint her. I have almost nothing positive to report here but I'll start with the few points that could be construed as positive: 1. Great Location- 2 blocks from Penn Station in an area which doesnt have alot to offer vegans 2. Quick- On the go, they are pretty on top of things 3. Painless- I did not get sick from any of the food and the restaurant appeared to be clean. As for the food, you would be hard pressed to find less inspired food than the fare made here. The first time I came I started with the Happy Dumplings, and had 3 problems: 1. Taste- They were watery and half empty 2. Aesthetics- How can you pretend to be a restaurant and charge restaurant prices and serve food on real plates and then put the dipping sauce in throw away plastic container 3. Cost- the price of 5 bucks for 6 dumplings aint too good when you consider that at lunch time in other restaurants across the city, for 5 bucks i could practically have a meal. The next thing I ordered (and regretted) was the Thai Curry because: 1. Flavor- Isearched and Isearched but i couldnt find any. 2. Content- 8 small pieces of tofu? Really? Really?!?!? In almost any oriental restaurant in the city it would be filled with tofu, here i needed a microscope to find it. As for rice fortunately there was plenty, the Thai curry merely turned out to be a thin glaze of wrapping over a meal which was 2/3 rice 3. Cooking Method- You got to steam the vegetables!!! Boiling mushy vegetables and throwing them into the stirfry at the last second simply will not do in a city filled with so many great places... the same goes for the rice. Since then, when returning i Have stuck to the sandwiches, which while pretty average and hardly overflowing with flavor or content, get the job done on the run. While Sandwiches such as the Cowboy Hero will come in at over 7 bucks, and are hardly bargains, they are quick, filling and dont take them too long to make. Overall in a city filled with brilliant ethnic cuisine, this generic fast food rip off, is a place ill avoid in the future unless i need a sanwich on the go. As the restaurant is extremely small and cramped i would say that the only part which rings true of this places name is the "hut".
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A recent study determined glucocorticoid-induced osteoporosis (OP) is now treatable with Teriparatide, a synthetic form of the human parathyroid hormone. Researchers found patients with glucocorticoid-induced OP who were treated with teriparatide for 36 months had a greater increase in bone mineral density (BMD) and fewer new vertebral fractures than those treated with alendronate. The findings of this study are published in the November issue of Arthritis & Rheumatism, a journal of the American College of Rheumatology (ACR).
Glucocorticoids are steroid hormones that are naturally produced in the body or synthetically created compounds (drugs) used to reduce inflammation. These steroid drugs are used to control inflammation in patients with such autoimmune diseases as rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus erythematosus, and Crohn's disease as well as inflammatory conditions such as asthma. Glucocorticoid-induced osteoporosis occurs when patients taking steroid medications such as prednisone, prednisolone, dexamethasone, and cortisone exhibit reduced bone mass and bone strength.
This 36-month, randomized, double-blind, controlled trial, led by Kenneth Saag, M.D., from the University of Alabama, was conducted at 76 centers located in 13 countries. A total of 428 patients between the ages of 22-89 with confirmed OP who had received greater than 5 mg/day of prednisone or equivalent for more than 3 months preceding screening were included. Research measures included changes in lumbar spine and hip bone, BMD, changes in bone biomarkers, fracture incidence, and safety.
Study participants were randomly assigned to receive injectable teriparatide (20 μg/day) plus oral placebo (150 subjects) or oral alendronate (10 mg/day) plus injectable placebo (144 subjects). Supplements of calcium (1,000 mg/day) and vitamin D (800 IU/day) were provided to all study participants. Subjects kept a daily journal to record their steroid use.
|Contact: Dawn Peters