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King of the Hill
King of the Hill (1997 - 2010) is an Emmy-winning American animated television series created for FOX. Unlike many animated sitcoms of its type that generally tend to feature unusual or impossible events, King of the Hill attempts to retain a realistic approach, featuring average Americans and Asian-Americans and seeking humor in the otherwise conventional or sometimes even mundane.
- 1 Season 1 (1997)
- 1.1 Pilot [1.01]
- 1.2 Square Peg [1.02]
- 1.3 The Order of the Straight Arrow [1.03]
- 1.4 Luanne's Saga [1.05]
- 1.5 Hank's Unmentionable Problem [1.06]
- 1.6 Westie Side Story [1.07]
- 1.7 Shins of the Father [1.08]
- 1.8 Peggy the Boggle Champ [1.09]
- 1.9 Keeping Up With Our Joneses [1.10]
- 1.10 King of the Ant Hill [1.11]
- 1.11 Plastic White Female [1.12]
- 2 Season 2 (1997-1998)
- 2.1 How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying [2.1]
- 2.2 Texas City Twister [2.2]
- 2.3 The Arrowhead [2.3]
- 2.4 Hilloween [2.4]
- 2.5 Jumpin' Crack Bass[2.5]
- 2.6 Husky Bobby[2.6]
- 2.7 The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteberg [2.7]
- 2.8 The Son That Got Away [2.8]
- 2.9 Bobby Slam [2.10]
- 2.10 The Unbearable Blindness of Laying [2.11]
- 2.11 Meet the Manger Babies [2.12]
- 2.12 Snow Job [2.13]
- 2.13 Three Days at the Kahndo [2.15]
- 2.14 Hank's Dirty Laundry [2.17]
- 2.15 Leanne's Saga [2.19]
- 2.16 Life In The Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga [2.21]
- 2.17 Peggy's Turtle Song [2.22]
- 2.18 Part 1: Propane Boom [2.23]
- 3 Season 3 (1998-1999)
- 3.1 Part 2: Death of a Propane Salesman [3.1]
- 3.2 And They Call It Bobby Love [3.2]
- 3.3 Peggy's Headache [3.3]
- 3.4 Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men [3.7]
- 3.5 Pretty, Pretty Dresses [3.9]
- 3.6 A Fire Fighting We Will Go [3.10]
- 3.7 Three Coaches and a Bobby [3.12]
- 3.8 The Wedding of Bobby Hill [3.14]
- 3.9 Sleight of Hank [3.15]
- 3.10 Escape from Party Island [3.17]
- 3.11 Love Hurts and So Does Art [3.18]
- 3.12 Hank's Cowboy Movie [3.19]
- 3.13 Dog Dale Afternoon [3.20]
- 3.14 Revenge of the Lutefisk [3.21]
- 3.15 Wings of the Dope [3.23]
- 4 Season 4 (1999-2000)
- 4.1 Part II:Peggy Hill: The Decline and Fall [4.1]
- 4.2 Bills Are Made to Be Broken [4.3]
- 4.3 Little Horrors of Shop [4.4]
- 4.4 Aisle 8A [4.5]
- 4.5 Not In My Backhoe [4.8]
- 4.6 To Kill A Ladybird [4.9]
- 4.7 Hillenium [4.10]
- 4.8 Part I: Hanky Panky [4.13]
- 4.9 Part II: High Anxiety [4.14]
- 4.10 Naked Ambition [4.15]
- 4.11 Movin On Up [4.16]
- 4.12 Won't You Pimai Neighbor? [4.18]
- 4.13 Meet The Propaniacs [4.20]
- 4.14 Nancy's Boys [4.21]
- 4.15 Flush With Power [4.22]
- 5 Season 5 (2000-2001)
- 5.1 The Perils of Polling [5.2]
- 5.2 I Don't Want to Wait for Our Lives to Be Over... [5.3]
- 5.3 When Cotton Comes Marching Home [5.6]
- 5.4 T'was the Nut Before Christmas [5.8]
- 5.5 Hank and the Great Glass Elevator' [5.11]
- 5.6 Now Who's the Dummy?' [5.12]
- 5.7 Ho Yeah [5.13]
- 5.8 The Exterminator [5.14]
- 5.9 Luanne Virgin 2.0 [5.15]
- 5.10 It's Not Easy Being Green [5.17]
- 5.11 Hank's Back Story [5.19]
- 5.12 Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story [5.20]
- 6 Season 6 (2001-2002)
- 6.1 Bobby Goes Nuts [6.1]
- 6.2 Soldier of Misfortune [6.2]
- 6.3 Lupe's Revenge [6.3]
- 6.4 The Father, the Son, and J.C. [6.4]
- 6.5 I'm With Cupid [6.6]
- 6.6 Unfortunate Son [6.11]
- 6.7 Are You There, God? I't's Me, Margret Hill [6.12]
- 6.8 Tankin' It To The Streets [6.13]
- 6.9 Of Mice and Little Green Men [6.14]
- 6.10 A Man Without a Country Club [6.15]
- 6.11 Beer and Loathing [6.16]
- 6.12 Fun with Jane and Jane [6.17]
- 6.13 My Own Private Rodeo [6.18]
- 6.14 Sug Night [6.19]
- 6.15 Dang Ol' Love [6.20]
- 6.16 Returning Japanese [6.21/6.22]
- 7 Season 7 (2002-2003)
- 8 Season 8 (2003-2004)
- 9 Season 9 (2004-2005)
- 10 Season 10 (2005-2006)
- 11 Season 11 (2007)
- 12 Season 12 (2007-2008)
- 13 Season 13 (2008-2010)
- 13.1 Dia-Bill-Ic Shock [13.01]
- 13.2 Earthy Girls are Easy [13.02]
- 13.3 Square-Footed Monster [13.03]
- 13.4 Lucky See, Monkey Do [13.08]
- 13.5 What Happens at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis Stays at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis [13.09]
- 13.6 Master of Puppets [13.10]
- 13.7 Uncool Customer [13.12]
- 13.8 Nancy Does Dallas [13.13]
- 13.9 Serves Me Right For Giving General George S. Patton The Bathroom Key [13.15]
- 13.10 Manger Baby Einstein [13.17]
- 13.11 To Sirloin with Love [13.20]
Season 1 (1997)[edit]
Pilot [1.01][edit]
- Dale Gribble: I know what's wrong with it. It's a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for, don't ya? It stands for 'Fix it again, Tony'.
- Hank Hill: You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.
- Dale Gribble: Fix... it... again...
- Hank Hill: Whatcha listenin' to, son?
- Bobby Hill: I don't think you'd like it.
- Hank Hill: Well, why not? I like this new generation of music. [puts headphones on]
- Old woman on tape: Hello?
[The tape erupts into sudden flatulence]
- Hank Hill: [takes headphones off] Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds! Where did you record this?
- Bobby Hill: I bought it at the mall! It's the Funny Phone Jerks!
- Hank Hill: Let me tell you, Bobby, there's nothing "funny" about these sounds! What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder. Now you get ready for the game, OK?
- Bobby Hill: Yes, sir.
- Hank Hill: [leaving Bobby's room] That boy ain't right.
The Hill family on the way to Bobby's baseball game.
- Hank Hill: So, are you ready to kick some Wildcat butt, Bobby?
- Bobby Hill: Okay.
- Peggy Hill: Nah, don't you worry, son. You just do your best.
- Hank Hill: Don't listen to her, Bobby. If you wanna win, you're gonna have to do better than your best.
- Bobby Hill: How do I do that?
- Hank Hill: You gotta give a hundred and ten percent. That's what'll give you that winnin' edge.
- Bobby Hill: But what if the Wildcats give a hundred and ten percent, too?
- Hank Hill: Well, then you gotta try even harder.
- Peggy Hill: How about if Bobby gave a hundred and twelve percent?
- Hank Hill: Ahm ... sure, that'd work.
- Bobby Hill: Or maybe a hundred and thirteen?
- Hank Hill: [Annoyed] Yeah, yeah, that's even better.
- Peggy Hill: No, uh, I don't know. Thirteen is a very unlucky number.
- Hank Hill: Look, we're not talking about thirteen. We're talking about a hundred and thirteen, and even ... uh ... okay, give a hundred and twelve, what's the difference? Look, Bobby. Just do your best, okay?
Hank and Bobby at the Mega Lo Mart after Bobby got a black eye at his baseball game.
- Hank Hill: Excuse me, where's the hardware department?
- Buckley: [Clueless] Where is the hardware department? Uhm, hm, what exactly is it you're looking for?
- Hank Hill: The hardware department.
- Buckley: Yeah, but are you looking for like a tool or something?
- Hank Hill: What difference does it make?
- Buckley: Huh, what difference does it make?
- Hank Hill: Okay, I'm lookin' for a tap-and-die and some WD-40.
- Buckley: Huh, what is it that you're trying to do?
- Hank Hill: [Losing patience] I'm tryin' to buy a tap-and-die and some WD-40 and get out of this God-forsaken store!
- Buckley: Uh ... and what is a tap-and-die?
- Hank Hill: Okay, forget it! Let's say I want a hammer. Do you know what a hammer is? That's what I want, a damned hammer! Now where in the hell would I go?
- Nearby Customer 1: Hey, that's that Hank Hill fella that lives on the block next to us.
- Nearby Customer 2: He sure has a temper, doesn't he?
- Nearby Customer 1: Sure does. Makes you wonder who gave his boy that black eye.
Bobby knocks over some cans swinging a cardboard roll around.
- Buckley: You're gonna have to pay for that, dude.
- Hank Hill: [Shouting] You're fired!
Hank is fixing his truck.
- Hank Hill: [referring to the sound of Bobby throwing a baseball at the living room wall] Dammit! There it is again! Where is that thumpin' comin' from? It's drivin' me crazy!
- Dale Gribble: Could be far-off helicopters... U.N. helicopters.
- Hank Hill: Dale! What're you doin'? Give me some light! Now! I can't see! (Hank drops his wrench) Ow, my arm! (The hood closes) Ow, my head!
Dale runs off
A Child Protective Services worker interviews the family after a report for Bobby's black eye.
- Anthony Page: Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset, and if you're projecting this anger onto me, it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate your son's growth in private.
- Hank Hill: Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you!
- Hank Hill: Now you listen to me, mister. I work for a livin', and I mean real work, not writin' down gobbledegook! I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. Oh, when I think of all my hard earned tax dollars goin' ta pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you, it just makes me wanna ... oh ... oh God ... it just ...
- Peggy Hill: Hank?
- Hank Hill: Honey, bring me my BC headache powder and a glass of water.
- Peggy Hill: Alright, Hank.
- Hank Hill: Now you listen here. You see that boy? That's my boy! And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God, I'll tear ya a new one bigger'n the Grand Canyon! Now I want you to get out of my house, yer not welcome here! I mean now, before I give you a black eye! Git!
- Bill Dauterive Dale, are you sure you want to be messin' with Hank's truck when he's not around?
- Dale Gribble: I'm gonna help get him this alternator off. (Dale cuts a wire).
- Bill: Ah, Dale, I think ya released the brake cable! Dale?
- Dale: No, I didn't. (The truck crashes into the garage door). I guess I'd better get goin', ah, I got some edging to do. (Dale grabs his cap out of the engine and he, along with Bill and Boomhauer, run back to their homes).
- Dale Gribble: [regarding global warming] I say let the world warm up, see what Boutros Boutros-Ghali-Ghali thinks about that! We'll grow oranges in Alaska.
- Hank Hill: Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas. It's already a hundred and ten in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your ass!
- Hank Hill: Bobby, you can't make an omelette without breakin' eggs, and you can't get on base without takin' a swing.
- Bobby Hill: The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?
- Hank Hill: Don't play lawyer-ball, son.
- Jeff Boomhauer: [discussing Seinfeld] See that part where dang ol' George come in there, he talks 'bout tastin' his own burp and Kramer comes slidin' in there just like he always does. I tell ya what, man, them dang ol' New York boys, just a show about nothin'.
Bobby is talking with Joseph
- Bobby: (Mocking his dad) Git out my house! My boy ain't much, but he's all I got!
- Hank: (Hank is lying on the bed) It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy. My only son. But, oh, it's hard.
- Peggy: Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only Bobby didn't tell us.
- Hank: I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!
- Peggy: Alright, calm down, honey. Now, let me explain. He didn't do it to be mean, Bobby honestly doesn't think you love him all the time.
- Hank: That's crazy, 'Course I love him.
- Peggy: Very good. Now, say it to Bobby.
- Hank: What are you talkin' about?
- Peggy: I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.
- Hank: Well, I can't say that. I can't! You know how I was raised! What my father's like!
- Cotton: (shown in a flashback to Hank's youth) I got my shins blowed off by a Japanman's machine gun, so don't come cryin' to me with your problems!
- Peggy: Honey, I'm begging you. For the sake of this family, you have got to do it. He's waiting for you out on the porch.
- Hank: Ah, jeez. Twig-boy coming over here... (Hank goes outside and talks to Bobby) Uh, you, uh, you're my son, uh, well, you know with everything uh, that entails, uh...
- Bobby: Uh-huh.
- Hank: Uh, huh, you know, uh, feelings of, uh, fondness, and more, uh, heh, uh, you know what I mean, don't you, boy?
- Bobby: No.
- Hank: Uhh, well uh, (Hank makes a weird sound) Huh, that's a hell of a weird sound, I've never made that before. Uh, I, you, uh, family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. (sighs) Okay, I love you no matter what you do. There, phew, let's go get something to eat.
- Bobby: I'm not, just a big disappointment to you?
- Hank: Disappointment? No, you make me proud. I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Dammit, you're my boy. Heh, you know better than that. (Bobby laughing)
- Anthony Page: He punched him! I, I knew it! I told them! Did-did you see that?
- Guy: See what, twig-boy?
- Anthony Page: (sighs) Never mind.
Square Peg [1.02][edit]
- Peggy is attempting to say the names of reproductive organs for a sexual education class.:
- Peggy Hill: Happiness. Happ-i-ness. Ha-penis. Penis. I did it! Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. VAAAGINA!
- [Hank does a spit-take with his beer.]:
- Peggy: Hey Hank, I just said...
- Hank: I heard ya! The whole neighborhood can hear you cussing!
- Peggy: It's not cussing Hank, to say the name of a god-given body part.
- Hank: Well it is if it's the part of a body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment. You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.
- Peggy: Well, Bobby ought to know about 'em. We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.
- Hank: Sure we do. I'm drawing the line here, Peggy. My son is not gonna learn this crazy crap! It says right here that he can't take the class without permission from both his parents!
- Peggy: Now, just hold on. Are you saying I'm not good enough to teach my own son?!
- Hank: If you do not approve, you do not have to sign, and I do not approve. Permission denied!
- Peggy: Now, Bobby, you may have noticed that there is a difference between a man and a woman.
Bobby remains silent
- Peggy: ...a rather obvious difference.
Bobby remains silent for a few more moments
- Bobby: You mean the penis?
Peggy, unsure of how to proceed, stands up and walks out of the room totally mute.
- [Dale is leaving a message on the Hill's answering machine]
- Dale Gribble: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live and you better cut it out if you know what's good for you. Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee-off time to 3:00.
The Order of the Straight Arrow [1.03][edit]
- Hank Hill: [As a child] When I grow up, I want to sell propane and propane accessories, if my grades are good enough!
- Hank Hill: We of the Order of the Straight Arrow call upon the spirit Wematanye, protector of the sacred ground that brings us cool water to drink and energy-efficient clean-burning propane gas for all our sacred heating and cooking needs. Wematanye says, respect the earth! She's ours, by God, our taxes pay for Her. Also, it says here you gotta love all Her creatures. Let's see...oh, here we go: Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you're gonna recommend us to the spirit in the sky, with liberty and justice for all. Wematanye is with you, and with Texas. Amen.
Luanne's Saga [1.05][edit]
- Luanne: Fish sticks? (begins to cry)
- Hank Hill: (repeated line) You look pretty.
- Hank Hill: Your heart is telling you?! Who's the boss, you or your heart? You are! Your heart is your employee! So get your heart off its butt and back to work!
Hank's Unmentionable Problem [1.06][edit]
Peggy is dreaming about Hank's funeral.
- Bill Dauterive: He looks like an angel. A dead angel.
- Jeff Boomhauer: (crying) Why, man, dang ol' why, why?!
- Dale Gribble: It should have been Bill!
- Peggy Hill: Oh, Hank. We never got a chance to talk about your problem. And now... we never will.
- C. Everett Koop: Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.
- Cotton Hill: Goodbye, boy. See you in HELL!
Cotton turns a toilet handle on Hank's headstone. Hank's coffin is sucked into the ground.
- Nancy Gribble: (on TV) The temperature is a pleasant 70 degrees. And on a more personal note, I'd like to wish my friend Hank Hill a quick recovery from his embarrassing consti-
Hank changes the channel.
- C. Everett Koop: -pation.
- Hank Hill: (While constipated and watching his dog poo outside) Showoff.
- Hank Hill:"Don't touch me. I'm on the John."
Westie Side Story [1.07][edit]
- Hank Hill: What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?
- Peggy Hill: Do you... do you think my feet are too big, Hank?
- Hank Hill: No, hon. Just... more of you to love.
[He takes a step forward towards her, like an on-screen embrace]
- Peggy Hill: Ow.
[Hanks looks down to see he's stepping on Peggy's feet]
- Hank Hill: Oh, sorry.
- Minh Souphanousinphone: Kahn, please. For once try not to piss off neighbor. We kicked out of Laos, we kicked out of Anaheim... I tired of running.
Hank meets Kahn for the first time.
- Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or Japanese?
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: I live in California last twenty year, but, ah... first come from Laos.
- Hank Hill: Huh?
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: Laos. We Laotian.
- Bill Dauterive: The ocean? What ocean?
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: We are Laotian--from Laos, stupid! It's a landlocked country in southeast Asia. It's between Vietnam and Thailand, OK? Population 4.7 million.
Hank ponders this for a few seconds.
- Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or Japanese?
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: [groans]
- Hank Hill: He thinks just 'cause I'm from Texas that means I'm a redneck. Chinese people and their stupid stereotypes!
- Dale Gribble: They'll probably get you with a blow-dart; that's their way. But you'll just think its a mosquito bite until you die, then you'll know the truth.
- Kahn Souphanousinphone:: I could just stay home, order a bucket of chicken and watch Hee Haw; same thing [as going to the Hills' for dinner].
- Hank Hill: You know Kahn, we may deny our kids completely different deserts, but they both go to bed hungry, and that's what really matters.
Shins of the Father [1.08][edit]
Cotton discovers that Bobby began a sexist riot at his school.
- Cotton Hill: Bobby, I'm proud of what you did at school today....So I'm buyin' you a hooker! Go ahead pick yourself out a live one.
Hank thanks Cotton for bringing a horse ("Oh Dad, you didn't have to do this.")
- Cotton Hill: Well, you know me-- I'm larger than life.
Cotton tells the story of how he was injured in WWII: "I was 14, just a little older than Bobby. But I knew Uncle Sam needed me, so I lied and signed up. We had beat the Nazzys in Italy, and they shipped me to the Pacific theater. A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship to the bottom. I could only save three of my buddies: Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn. They were kind of like you fellas [to Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer], only one of them was from Brooklyn. Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero and put fitty bullets in my back. The blood attracted sharks. I had to give 'em Fatty. Then things took a turn for the worse. I made it to an island, but it was full of Tojos! They were spitting on the U.S. flag! So I rushed 'em, but it was a trap. They opened fire and blew my shins off. Last thing I remember, I beat 'em all to death with a big piece of Fatty. I woke up in a field hospital, and they were sewing my feet to my knees."
- Bobby Hill: [Speaking to Joseph about Connie]: Oow. She's moody. Must be PBS.
- Cotton Hill: [to Luanne] You will never know if you are attractive. It's up to a man to tell you that. You keep eating, and I'll tell you when to stop.
- [Cotton slaps Luanne's rear end]
- Luanne: Touch me again, and you'll be wearing that cornpone, old man.
- Cotton Hill: Hoo-wee! Fiesty!
Peggy the Boggle Champ [1.09][edit]
- Hank Hill: Now you listen to me!'''THE NAME IS HANK HILL! MR. HANK HILL! PEGGY MARRIED ME! I DIDN'T MARRY HER! What are you looking at?!
- Peggy Hill: (crying) I am so stupid!
- Hank Hill: Aw, you're not stupid. Heck, you're smarter than me.
- Peggy Hill: Oh, big deal.
- Hank Hill: Well, you're smarter than anyone else in Arlen.
- Peggy Hill: Well, whoop-dee-do. I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbillytown.
- Hank Hill: I-I'm trying Peggy. I just... hey, you know, Coach always used to say something that would fire us up when we were behind.
- Peggy Hill: Yeah, what?
- Hank Hill: LOSER! YOU'RE A LOSER! ARE YOU FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF?! WELL, YOU SHOULD BE CAUSE YOU ARE DIRT! YOU MAKE ME SICK YOU BIG BABY! BABY WANT A BOTTLE?! A BIG DIRT BOTTLE?!
- Peggy Hill: (crying harder) Why are you yelling at me?
- Hank Hill: Uh, well, I'm trying to be your coach. I... It's... It's inspiring.
- Peggy Hill: Well, thank you, cause I feel worse than ever.
- Hank Hill: Well, it worked for the team.
- Peggy Hill: No, It didn't. You went to State and lost.
- Hank Hill: Ah, jeez. I think I need one of those $8 beers.
[Minh has just lost $13 to Peggy playing Boggle.]
- Minh Souphanousinphone:: Thank you for Boggle lesson, Peggy Hill. Maybe next weekend I teach you mahjong. Bring your checkbook!
[Boomhauer is playing a mowing stimulator game.]
- Boomhauer: Man that dang 'ol piece of crap dang 'ol blocked up. G-get grass out there that-- [realizes his fingers have been chopped off in the game] AHH! I GOT NO FINGERS!
Keeping Up With Our Joneses [1.10][edit]
- Hank Hill: Is this John occupied? Esta es Juan occupado?
- Bobby Hill: Sí.
- Hank Hill: Bobby?
(He rips the public bathroom door open to see Bobby and Joseph smoking a cigarette. Everyone is in shock).
- Dale Gribble: So Joseph, I understand you smoked your first cigarette today.
- Joseph Gribble: Dad, I'm sorry! I'll never smoke again.
- Dale Gribble: Whoa, hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision. If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry!
- Hank Hill: For God's sakes, Bobby, what nationality are you?
- Bobby Hill: American.
- Hank Hill: Then why are you holding your cigarette like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?
- Bobby Hill: Why does it matter? I thought smoking was bad.
- Hank Hill: That's not the right sort of attitude for you to have. Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it's something wrong.
- Hank Hill: Uh, I got to go do some stuff. I think I might have left the blender turned on.
- Peggy Hill: (to Bobby) Only trailer trash smoke nowadays. Do you wanna look like trailer trash?
- Luanne Platter: (crying) That's not fair! I don't smoke! (she runs away in tears)
- Peggy Hill: Oh, honey, you are not trash just 'cause you grew up in a trailer and your mama's in prison.
- Peggy Hill: Uh, Hank, there is a "tile" in the bathroom that I think we missed.
- Hank Hill: Really? Well, I better check that out.
- Hank goes into the bathroom, sees a cigarette, smokes a few puffs, then returns to the kitchen.
- Hank Hill: Heh-heh-heh. Well, I found the "tile" — thank you very much, Peggy — and I looked at it but there's still some more "tile" for you to look at.
- Peggy Hill: You know, I think I will save the rest of my "tile" for after breakfast.
- Bobby Hill: Will you quit talking about your stupid tile?! If it's so dirty go clean it, and if it's clean you can shut up!
- He stubs out his breakfast sausage as if it were a cigarette and leaves the table.
- Hank Hill: (at a cold turkey support group meeting, glaring at the counselor) I got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass.
- Kick the Butt Club Counselor: Hey, there, why don't you tell us your name and how long you've been smoking.
- Hank Hill: Uh, I'd rather not.
- Kick the Butt Club Counselor: I understand. It's not easy to admit we're weak.
- Hank Hill: You're calling me weak?!? Look at your little birdy arms, they're no thicker than a cigarette! I could smoke them little arms!
- Kick the Butt Club Counselor: Is this your son? I think it's beautiful how you came out to support your daddy.
- Bobby Hill: I'm a smoker, too.
- Everyone gasps.
- Kick the Butt Club Counselor: Oh, no. How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?
- Bobby Hill: Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.
- Hank Hill: Wait a minute, I didn't let him, I made him. It was a punishment.
Everyone murmurs in anger, disgusted with Hank.
- Bill Dautrieve: Can I get a new buddy?
- Audience member: What is wrong with him?
- Kick the Butt Club Counselor: You are sick, sir! You shouldn't be allowed to have children!
- Hank Hill: Now hold on a minute here. I didn't bring my family here to be yelled at. I don't think I like this club. You all whine too much, and the coffee's bad. I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to take a thirteenth step... down off your high horse!
- Luanne Platter: Here's to three of the bravest individuals in all of Arlen. To the Hills and their tobacco-free future!
- Hank Hill: My God, are you still talking?
- Bobby Hill: Why's my potato got skin on it? I hate skin!
- Peggy Hill: I will not sit here and have my work insulted. What, do you think the potatoes just fly into the bowl and mash themselves?!
- Luanne Platter: I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words. It's just the nicotine withdrawal.
- Hank Hill: Why is she still talking?!
- Peggy Hill: Well, look at us. At each other's throats. And after all we've been through. This family has survived fires and twisters and every strain of flu the Orient could throw at us. Well, we are not going to be done in by a lousy tobacco leaf.
King of the Ant Hill [1.11][edit]
(Note: the following quote comes from a deleted scene)
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: Put on shoes, hillbilly!
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: Where I come from we got this thing called karma. You do something bad, it come back and bite you in the ass! Big, white, stubborn ass!
- Bobby Hill: (Hypnotized by the Queen)...YES... ...MY... ...QUEEN...
- [Dale had just destroyed Hank's lawn. Dale passes by Hank's lawn while Peggy is talking to Hank.]
- Hank Hill: [After just noticing Dale] DALE!
- [Dale yells and hurries to his van.]
- Hank Hill: Dale you went too far this time! Come back here! [Starts chasing Dale] Come here! I'm gonna kick your ass!
- Dale Gribble: No! NO!
- Hank Hill: I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come over here!
- Dale Gribble: [desperate] You shouldn't have fired me! You know what I'm like! I'm capable of any crazy thing!
- Hank Hill: But my lawn, Dale! You don't mess with a man's LAWN!
- Dale Gribble: I had no choice! I tried planting the ants in your driveway, but they didn't take! They couldn't bite through cement! They're weak, like me!
(Said to Dale Gribble after he mistakenly thought Dale had died from a poisonous ant attack)
- Hank Hill: You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!
Plastic White Female [1.12][edit]
- Bobby:(Talking to a mannequin head) "You look really special tonight."
Peggy on what their course of action after catching Bobby kissing the mannequin head
- Peggy: We'll move to Berlin. Bobby will be accepted there. I read somewhere that Germans are a very tolerant people. Their culture admires all kinds of freaks.
- Peggy Hill: I know it is not my fault. If anything, this is your fault. You made him go to that camp with no toilet doors.
- Hank Hill: Don't point your finger at me, woman. You're the one who parks him in front of the TV and makes him watch all them Muppets. They got frogs kissing pigs, what the hell did they think was going to happen?
The salsa music playing during Bobby's 'seduction' of the plastic head is Discarga Criolla by Ray Barreto.
Season 2 (1997-1998)[edit]
How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying [2.1][edit]
Hank is taking Bobby to the gun club
- Bobby Hill: Wow, I always thought this was a crack house.
- Bobby: Can I put a gun rack on my bike?
- Hank: Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?
- Hank Hill: Why don't we get you into one of those safety courses and if you're still interested after they've taken all the fun out of it, then we'll see about the ponchos and the... uh... tournament.
- Dale: Guns don't kill people, the government does.
Peggy discovers that Hank is not skilled at shooting a rifle.
- Peggy Hill: I still love you!
- Cotton Hill: Sorry I'm late, I had to stop at the wax museum and give the finger to F.D.R.
Texas City Twister [2.2][edit]
- Hank Hill: Six AM and already the boy ain't right...
- Hank Hill: Don't play mind checkers with me, man. I'm not in the mood.
- Dale Gribble: This tornado's already registered a level two on the Fujisaki [sic] scale. A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door -- two barn doors if one of them's open.
Dale is driving the Dead Bug with Boomhauer on top of the vehicle, heading for the tornado
- Dale Gribble: All right, twister. It's just you and me now. Ten years ago you took my shed. [the twister's image is reflected on his shades] Did you think I'd forget that? Come on, bring it on! [a raindrop hits the windshield] GAAHH!! No! Please, let me go! [Dale panics, and the Dead Bug veers out of control]
Hank is stopped by decontamination workers that are trying to clean up the barrel of ant poison.
- Hank Hill: Come on. [honks horn] Come on! Let's go! Move that truck! [a worker walks towards his truck] My wife is stuck in Shining Pines.
- Decontamination Worker: I'm not authorized to drive the truck, sir.
- Hank Hill: My wife is in danger, damn it! Now make something happen!
- Decontamination Worker: [blows whistle] SECURITY!!!
Bill walks over to Hank's truck.
- Hank Hill: Bill, thank God! Make this idiot let me pass.
- Hank Hill: What did I do to deserve this? I didn't mean to curse my wife to Hell!
Hank looks at a worker with a vacuum walking towards the container. Lightning flashes and Hank sees in the worker's place the Grim Reaper for half a second, then reality returns.
- Hank Hill: [worried] Ohh...
Hank switches the gear into drive, and floors it. The tornado is rapidly approaching Shining Pines.
- Hank Hill: Ahhh... AAHH!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!
Bobby attempts to get an egg thrown through a brick wall via the force of an F-5 tornado after Dale's story of such an occurrence.
- Bobby Hill: This is the chance I've been waiting for!
Bobby throws the egg and it flies back into his face.
- Hank: You're tough, Bill. You're the toughest Army barber I know.
- Dale: Set your mousse to stun, there, Bill.
Nancy is reporting on the tornado.
- Nancy Gribble: Mention your home was destroyed, and get a free 5-pound bag of onions.
The Arrowhead [2.3][edit]
- Hank Hill: Fine. But I think you owe my lawn an apology. *pauses* We're waiting!
Hilloween [2.4][edit]
Dale is wearing a suit for Halloween.
- Dale Gribble: Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?
- Peggy: Luanne and Bobby are at Junie Harper's house
- Hank:[Nearly chokes on his beer before swallowing] I came very close to spitting out beer!
- Hank: [To Luanne] Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talkin'!
- Luanne: Halloween is a satanic holiday. It was invented by the Dru-ish.
Jumpin' Crack Bass[2.5][edit]
- Hank: Maybe I should tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
- Hank: Dale, you giblet-head, if you were gonna cheat, why'd you buy a frozen bass?
- Dale: I had a coupon.
Husky Bobby[2.6][edit]
- Bobby: Are you taking me to the vet?
- Bobby: Hey I'm dressed like a football coach! You call that a block?!
- Bobby: Dad, a man took pictures of me!
- Hank: (finding Luanne in bed with Buckley) I'm in a crisis situation here, I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses.
The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteberg [2.7][edit]
- Dale Gribble: I thought we agreed to never discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of the Family Fun Center.
- Cane Skretteberg: I don't care how many guys you held in the men's room, you still can't beat us!
- Luanne: This is a great Xerox of you!
- Bobby: Hey his scoop's bigger.
- Pops: And there's doodies in there, right!?
The Son That Got Away [2.8][edit]
- Hank:(Shouting to Bobby stumbling around on the roof) It's a roof! Not American Bandstand!
- Dale: When I need to correct Joseph, I tell him he's adopted.
Bobby Slam [2.10][edit]
- Peggy Hill: Did a woman ruin the Supreme Court?
- Hank Hill: Yes, and that woman's name was Earl Warren.
- Bobby Hill: (about an athletic cup) This cup has holes in it. How am I supposed to drink out of this?
- Hank Hill: No, Bobby. You don't...
- Bobby Hill: Gotcha!
- Hank Hill: Oh, heh-heh...
(they both just start laughing)
- Doug the basketball coach: Bounce a ball in hockey?! Well that's a mandatory drug test right there!
- Wrestling Coach: Shouldn't you be teaching the girls about their monthlies?
- Connie: I wanna go to a party school! Yeah, Chico State!
- Bobby: Some of the older ones have some breasts!
- Bobby: Can I have some Gatorade now?
- Clark Peters: Hey, Bobby, if you don't beat Connie, we don't know what we'll do. So you better beat her!
- Bill: I'm all for lady's wrestling. Except when they do it in pudding. That's just demeaning to the human beings who make pudding.
The Unbearable Blindness of Laying [2.11][edit]
- Bobby Hill: (Stereotypical Yiddish accent) Blind he's gone now!
- Hank: Where's my finger?
- Bobby: Are you a war hero like my biological grandfather?
- Bobby: That is so Arizona!
- Gary Kazner: There's a uh, what are those things called?--A semi, a demi, a coupla'-dozen-wheelers.
- Bill: I would never join a religion that restricted my diet. I don't want to get into heaven that way.
- Hank: It seems the other eye compensates by shutting itself down. It's one of nature's wonders.
- Hank: I'm not gonna be blind forever you know. And the second I see some ass I'm kicking it. Now no more making fun of my blindness.
- Bill: Okey-doke. Bring! Bring! Phone for you, Hank [takes off shoe and gives it to Hank]
- [Everyone laughs but Hank]
- Hank: The joke's on you, funny man.
- [Hank throws the shoe out of the room. Ladybird chases after it while dragging Hank with her]
Meet the Manger Babies [2.12][edit]
- Luanne: OK Luanne, how do they get out of the closet? (gasps) Ohhh, No, that won't work.
- Hank: (whispers) Jimmy the lock with a coat-hanger.
- Luanne: What? I don't... I can't... hmmm, what?
- Hank: (whispers) Jimmy the lock with a... (sighs) uh, (out loud) I'll save you, Manger Babies.
- Luanne: You will?
- Hank: Yes, uh, cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories and you are fired.
- Luanne: (as the Manger Babies) We're free, we're free, whoo.
(audience claps)
- Luanne: Thank you, assistant manager. Me-how can we ever repay you?
- Hank: By never forgetting this lesson. Sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.
- Minister: Bravo, bravo.
- Nancy: You know Luanne really shouldn't waste this kind of talent on church. If you want, I could show this tape to my boss at channel 84. He's always looking for quality children's programming and home videos of things blowing up.
- Peggy: Well, Luanne really could use a boost right now, but I could not take advantage of our friendship like that, no.
- Nancy: Oh, Peggy, honey. This is show business. That's what friends do.
- Hank: Suffering is a part of every religion, Peggy. I mean ... look at what the Jews have been through, and you never hear them complaining.
Snow Job [2.13][edit]
- Hank Hill: Hey Vickers, who do you like for the Super Bowl next year? The Doopie Loopies or the Shimmie Shammies?
- Hank and Buck laugh
- Vickers: Okay, okay, very funny. But I like the Bills.
- Hank and Buck laugh again
- Buck Strickland: Got-dangit Hank, I'm having an infarction!
- Buck has been hospitalized. Hank and the four Strickland branch managers visit him
- Buck: Listen up, we are a family, and the daddy ain't feeling so good. Ladies, I got a shot coming. If you girls would please step outside? It is rude for such pretty gals like you to have to see my bare bottom.
- Female managers giggle and depart
- Buck: OK, now that the skirts are out in the hallway we can get down to business. Hank, you are my right hand man, and I need you to take on this important job.
- Hank: Yes, sir?
- Buck: I need you to feed my hounds.
- Hank: Uh, sir?
- Buck: Tell them that you will love them! Vickers, you run the company, whole shebang.
- Vickers: Yes, sir!
- Buck: Let's see what that fancy business school degree of yours is worth.
- Hank: Sir, I fail to see what a business degree has over my 15 years of service to Strickland Propane!
- Buck: I let you light the torch, didn't I? Right now my hounds are starving!
Three Days at the Kahndo [2.15][edit]
[Kahn panics when he finds out the "mi tad" condo is only a half condo and tricks Hank into using a spare key of his to break into the upper half.]
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: Here's key. Lock little sticky. You got to rake it like there's no tomorrow.
- Hank Hill: This is a car key.
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: Yeah, you win new car. This big game show. Just rake it stupid.
[Dale is a poor lawyer.]
- Judge: You will pay the condo manager 8,000 pesos.
- Dale Gribble: But if the key does fit then you must acquit--.
- Judge: 10,000 pesos. Baliff, confiscate their identification.
[Hank and Dale are driving to the border with Kahn hiding in the trunk.]
- Dale: Now just follow my lead and play it cool.
- Hank: What if they find Kahn?
- Dale: If I know my Mexican legal system, which I do, we'll get about 15 years with a starvation diet of moldy bread and warm water.
- Hank: Distilled water?
- Dale: (chuckling): No. And of course there is a total lack of toilet paper...and privacy.
- Hank: Oh, God, I can't go while people watch.
- Dale: Then let me do the talking.
[A border guard approaches them.]
- Border Guard: Morning. Where are you gentlemen from?
- Dale: (voice breaking): Arlen, Texas.
- Border Guard: I've been to Arlen. Nice town.
- Dale: Run!
[Dale runs out of the car mistakenly believing that they were caught. Kahn gets out of the trunk and runs away too. Hank chuckles nervously before running off as well.]
[Hank, Dale, and Kahn have just run away from the border guards.]
- Hank: I think we lost them. We'll be okay.
- Dale: Okay?! We're screwed!
- Hank: No, we're American. We got to find a pay phone and hope Ross Perot's 800 number's still working.
- Kahn: Why you want to call that nut for? Border right there. Millions of people cross over every day. We can, too. No big deal.
- Hank: Illegally? No! America is my country and I love her. I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural.
- Dale: We have no choice, Hank. The I.N.S. had their cameras trained on us. The border guards think we're smugglers. I'm too pretty to go to jail!
Hank's Dirty Laundry [2.17][edit]
- Hank: It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.
- Store Clerk: Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs & Collars.
- Hank: I've never even heard of that. Have you?
- Peggy: Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.
- Bobby: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?
- Luanne: Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.
- Hank: Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs & Collars?
- Bobby: Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.
- Hank: So you've seen it?
- Bobby: No.
- Hank: How about you, Luanne?
- Luanne: (shakes her head "no")
- Bobby: Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.
- Hank: No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.
- Store Clerk: I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.
- Hank: I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!
- Store Clerk: I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
- Hank: Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?
- Peggy: (sighs) I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.
- Hank: Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's & Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?
- Store Clerk: Make a left.
- Hank: Okay. (realizes he's in the Adult Section and he rushes out in horror) BWAHHHHH!
- Boomhauer: Yeah, man, talkin 'bout that dang ol' Cuffs and Collars, man, like when they come over to clean that pool, man, it starts goin' wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka...
- Dale Gribble: Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as... "the Beast".
- Dale Gribble: Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?
- Hank: (phone rings) Strickland Propane. "Taste the meat, not the heat."
- Matt: Hank?
- Hank: Speaking.
- Matt: How ya doin'? It's Matt.
- Hank: Oh, hey, Matt. How ya been?
- Matt: Pretty good. Pretty good.
- Hank: Uh-huh.
- Matt: So, how's, uh, Peggy?
- Hank: Uh, she's fine, and how's uh, do I know you?
- Matt: Hank, if you like "Cuffs & Collars", you're gonna love "Rugburn", Too and by "Rugburn", Too I mean "Rugburn" also. "Rugburn II" isn't very good.
- Hank: What? But, who is this?
- Matt: You know, Matt, from "Consenting Adults", the country's largest supply of mail order adult entertainment. How many can I put you down for?
- Hank: Zero. God, please, watch your mouth. This is an interstate phone line. How did you get this number?
- Matt: Not important. What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.
- Hank: What?! Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?! Uh, (Sees Buck Strickland and his co-workers and gasps), who plays the most hits? Y104! Heh, okay. Ah-heh, crazy morning zoo.
Leanne's Saga [2.19][edit]
- Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt: Mama got outta prison! (runs to the garage)
- Peggy Hill: (gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!
- Luanne Platter: No, she didn't escape, She was released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!
- Hank Hill: Uh...she's coming here?
- Luanne Platter: Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the garage)
- Peggy Hill: I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!
- Bobby Hill: Whoa.
- Hank Hill: Yeah, I was all set to start a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.
- Dale Gribble: (spits out his beer in shock) That woman is a menace to society.
- Bill Dauterive: Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.
- Boomhauer: I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her "no means no!"
- Hank Hill: Yeah, Leanne is bad news I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.
- [Bill plays with a vice, until part of it falls of and hits his foot]:
- Bill Dauterive: AAAAH! My foot! I think it's broken!
- Hank Hill: Well, if it's broken then we have to get that shoe off.
- Bill Dauterive: No, it's fine. I'll just go ON home.
- Hank Hill: Don't be ridiculous.
- [Hank tries to remove Bill's shoe and sock, revealing that Bill has a foot fungus. The rest cringe in disgust.]
- Dale Gribble: I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.
- Bill Dauterive: It's some kind of Athlete's Foot. I've been using this spray for 10 years. "Quick working" my ass.
- Hank Hill: What did the doctor say?
- Bill Dauterive: The only person I showed this to was my ex-wife. She used it against me in the divorce.
- Hank Hill: You don't have to fell embarrassed about your toes, Bill, it's just a medical condition.
- Bill Dauterive: Sure, that's what you say. I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around.
- Peggy Hill: Honey, marriage is about trust and she... well she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.
- Leanne Platter: Oh, you have such a lovely home here. Of course if somebody turned on a fire hose it would all be ruined.
- Hank Hill: Hey, Leanne. How's that job search coming along?
- Leanne Platter: Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.
Bill is announcing his engagement to a drunk Leanne.
- Bill Dauterive: We're engaged!
- Leanne Platter: It was supposed to be a surprise! (punches Bill and belches) I need a smoke!
- Bill Dauterive: This is the happiest day of my life!
Luanne is showing off her platinum blonde wig.
- Peggy Hill: I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!
- Luanne Platter: You're not my mama! Mama is my mama!
- Peggy Hill: Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be waiting there to say "I told you so."
Luanne is begging a drunk Leanne to stop being provocative at Leanne's engagement party.
- Luanne Platter: Mama, please!
- Leanne Platter: Will you quit callin' me that?! I might be 34.
Leanne is about to stab Buckley with a fork when Peggy stops her.
- Peggy Hill: Excuse me, ma'am, but that was my fork.
- Dale Gribble: Poor Peggy, she's dead.
- Peggy Hill: Leanne, whether you like the title or not, you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you. But you don't even know how to return a fraction of the love you get from your child or even from your man. I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.
- Leanne Platter: I kicked your brother's ass and I will kick yours too, sissy!
- Peggy Hill: Well, there's one thing you didn't count on. My brother has got size 6 feet, but I don't! Ho-yeah!
(throws Leanne to the ground with her feet and kicks her, everyone else cheers)
Leanne steals a truck and leaves.
- Bill Dauterive: If she doesn't come back, that means she and I weren't meant to be and if she does come back, well then... then I'll call the police.
Life In The Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga [2.21][edit]
- Hank:Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug you.
- A race is in progress. There is a party on the infield, and Bobby is selling drinks to the guests
- Witchard: Bobby, I need a soda!
- Bobby: Yes, Mr. Witchard.
- Bobby proceeds to overhead crossing zone
- Witchard: Not that way! Just run across.
- Bobby: But the track?!
- Witchard: Don't back-talk the boss man! Ain't you ever cross the highway?! Run where there ain't any cars!
- Bobby: They're going too fast!
- Witchard: Do it you- you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you!
- Bobby is about to climb guardrail but is restrained by Hank
- Hank: What the hell. BOBBY NO! What are you doing?
- Bobby: I'm going to cross the track and bring Mr. Witchard a soda.
- Hank: That's crazy! Why would you do something like that?
- Bobby: I'm giving 110%, Dad.
- Witchard: Go-to here, Go-to boy. I want a soda! Go-to now, you!
- Hank: BWAAAAAHHH!!!
- Hank, infuriated, chases after Jimmy, ironically running on the track himself in his anger
- Announcer: There's a crazy man on the track!
- Hank: BWAAAAAHHH!!!
- Announcer: Oh, and there goes Gordon into the wall!
- Pit crew guy: You're up!
- Dale and Bill: Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Yeah!
(Hank panting)
- Witchard: Ah! (laughing) You can't get me!
- Hank: BWAAAAAHHH!!! (breaks the caged fence and chases after Witchard)
- Witchard: (screams)
Peggy's Turtle Song [2.22][edit]
- Bobby Hill: There's some milk in the fridge that is about to go bad....and there it goes.
- Bobby Hill: There are 96 ridges on every checker...except this one.
- Unidentified feminist singer:
I met a guy in my boxing class
and I slept with him before I kicked his ass!
Part 1: Propane Boom [2.23][edit]
- Buckley: Sir, there's no yelling in the propane department. Some of these gases are extremely valublilous.
- Boomhauer: Hey man, is this dang ol' 911? Hey listen, there's a dang ol' fire in here, and dang ol' Mega-Lo-Mart went boom!
- 911 Operator: Sir, you are going to have to speak a lot more slowly.
- Boomhauer: Dang... ol'... Mega-Lo-Mart... done git went got it, and dang ol' boom!
- Peggy: HAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!
- Bill: CHUUUUUCCCCCKKK!
- Mega Lo Mart Employee: Buckley and Luanne are in there!
- Hank: Mega-Lo-Mart?! Well why don't you just go to hell or work for the devil?!
- Luanne: Good thing I don't have dangerous brain powers, or right now you'd be in a thousand little pieces!
Season 3 (1998-1999)[edit]
Part 2: Death of a Propane Salesman [3.1][edit]
Dale talking to an investigator at the scene.
- Dale Gribble: Find the body yet, Quincy?
- Investigator: We have some remains that we're analyzing, you needn't concern yourself.
- Dale Gribble: Oh, I needn't, shouldn't I? And maybe I should not know that all Mega Lo Mart employees have a five thousand dollar insurance policy.
- Investigator: That's nonsense. This is a very straightforward investigation.
- Dale Gribble: Heh, that's what they want you to think.
- Investigator: Sir, we are they.
[Dale twitches surprised and runs away]
- Luanne Platter: (reference a picture of Bobby, in his underwear, grabbing a cookie off the kitchen table while standing up to speak at Buckley's funeral) This is what a starving Irish child looks like! Fight the occupation! Fight the Oc-cu-pa-tion!
And They Call It Bobby Love [3.2][edit]
- Bobby: (With his pants pulled up, in heavy Yiddish accent) "What are you talkin' about?"
Peggy's Headache [3.3][edit]
Peggy is trying to think of new musings for the local newspaper.
- Peggy Hill: Mix pineapple juice and club soda, and you've got yourself a big bucket of crap.
From Peggy's newspaper article.
- Peggy Hill: You hear the expression "Lie like a dog" so much it is almost a cliché.
- Peggy Hill: Well, well, well Jo-hon Redcorn.
- John Redcorn: Oh, Peggy. Nancy's headache's very severe this morning, um... must be the pollen.
- Peggy Hill: Well, well, well.
- John Redcorn: Well.
- Peggy Hill: Jo-hon Redcorn.
- John Redcorn: Pe-eggy Hill.
Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men [3.7][edit]
- Cotton Hill: Tilly! Did you make this Stuffin'? 'CAUSE IT TASTES LIKE GARBAGE!
- Hank Hill: (in a worried tone) Uh, Dad?
- Cotton Hill: Did I ever tell you about the time she tried to poison me with a baked Chicken?
- Tilly Hill: (sighs) It was Chicken Almondine.
- Cotton Hill: IT WAS CYANIDE, WOMAN!
- Hank Hill: (exasperated) Dad, could you please show Mom some respect while Bobby's in the room?
- Cotton Hill: You heard him, Bobby. Leave the room! (Bobby gets up to leave the room)
- Hank Hill: (frustrated) Sit down.
- Bobby Hill: Grandpa, could you at least respect Grandmom until we get to dessert?
- Cotton Hill: Didi's your Grandmom too, Bobby..... Your pretty Grandmom! 'Course, bad as Tilly was in the Kitchen, she was even worse in the Bedroom! (Everyone is shocked, Tilly is especially mortified) I Said.... The Woman was lousy in the sack.
(Long silence as everyone looks at Hank, who just looks down in fear. Hilly sighs in frustration)
- Bill Dauterive: (tapping glass with knife then getting up to propose a toast) To the Stuffing! Might taste like Garbage, but it sure fills you up!
- Cotton Hill: I'm goin' down to the corn dog shack to watch the girlies make lem-o-nade.
Pretty, Pretty Dresses [3.9][edit]
- Bill: (in falsetto voice) Why do you keep calling me "Bill?"
A Fire Fighting We Will Go [3.10][edit]
[Bill arrives in the alley on a fire truckand runs towards Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer.]
- Bill: I'm a fireman! I'm a... [trips over cooler] ...hudafu.
- Hank Hill: "Heck, I thought I'd go ahead and sharpen all the axes."
- Dale Gribble: (singing) Hank's a lumberjack and he's okay...
[The firemen are sitting at the station.]
- Cheat Elderson: [to Dale] Hey, shades. Plug in my Alamo sign, will you?
- Hank Hill: Better not, Dale. It doesn't work right, remember?
- Dale Gribble: [as he sings, he sits back and tries to plug in the sign.] (singing) Be-a-bay, be-e-be, be-i-bickey-bi-be-o-bo-bickey-bi-bo--
[Hank snatches the cord away from him.]
- Hank Hill: I said "not to."
- Dale Gribble: Be-u-bu...
[Hank walks in the room with a food dish.]
- Dale Gribble: Whatd'ya got under the foil, Mr. Party Pooper, some party poop?
[Boomhauer is telling the Chief what happened in his P.O.V., everyone except him is talking Boomhauer-style]
- Dale Gribble: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.
- Hank Hill: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kick your ass, man.
- Boomhauer: (speaking at normal spped very clearly) For God's sakes, Hank, act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.
- Bill: Dang ol' pretty pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.
- Heck Dorland: I got bad news, men. Chet Elderson died. Natural causes. (Bill farts while his butt is hanging out the top of the fire pole) Oh, for cryin' out loud!
[Bill has just been hit in the face with a hot Frito pie]
- Bill Dauterive: My face hurts.
- Hank Hill: And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!
Three Coaches and a Bobby [3.12][edit]
- Hank Hill: Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.
- Bobby Hill: Why do you hate what you don't understand?
- Hank Hill: I don't hate you Bobby!
- Bobby Hill: I was talking about soccer.
- Hank Hill: Oh yeah, I hate soccer.
- Coach Sauers: You little pantywads think you're ready to play the Wolves again? The Wolves eat razorblades for breakfast! Run, you bunch of pudgy-butted softies! Run, with your fancy sneakers, with pumps, valves and lights on the back that can set off a seizure! But what do you care? I ran around the world in a pair of Chuck Taylors for the love of pete! Take a salt tablet.
[Bobby is doing push-ups on the muddy grass.]
- Bobby: Coach, I think I swallowed too much mud.
- Coach Sauers: Take a salt tablet.
- Coach Sauers: I'm gonna ride you guys so hard your gonna wish you were all dead! I'm gonna chew ya up spit ya out take a big dump on top of that and then i'm gonna get tough! LETS ROLLLLLLL EM OUT!
- Hank Hill: Boys, the Welton Wolves have already left their mark on this bridge. Now, what does a cougar do when a wolf comes into his neck of the woods?
- Bobby Hill: Beats him in football?
- Hank Hill: Yeah, that's where I was gonna end up.
Hank Hill: God bless America on three...One...two...three
Team & Hank Hill: Gooooooood bless America!
- Coach Sauers: Hey, butter ball, drag the body back!
- Hank Hill: Soccer was invented by european housewives as a way to keep busy while their husbands did the cooking
- Peggy Hill (To a group of soccer moms): If we were in Canada you ladies would be snooty Quebecoise.
The Wedding of Bobby Hill [3.14][edit]
[Kahn sees the fake wedding between Luanne and Bobby and believes it is real]. Kahn Souphanousinphone: Minh, come quick! It's finally happening! Bobby Hillbilly marrying hillbilly cousin. You owe me five dollars. In your face!
- Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt: Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!
- Hank Hill: Bobby, you cut that out!
- Bobby: Mom! Dad! I've gotten Luanne pregnant!
[Both Hank and Peggy freeze in disbelieving shock]
[Peggy is dressing Bobby in his tuxedo for the fake wedding between him and Luanne]
- Bobby: Mom! I don't want to do this!
- Peggy: Well, of course you don't!
Sleight of Hank [3.15][edit]
- Bobby: [Bobby is presenting Jesus' miracles in the form of a magic show] Now, for my next trick, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers...
- Hank & Peggy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Escape from Party Island [3.17][edit]
Hank reads a bumper sticker
- Hank: "How's my driving?" I'll tell you. Mom, get this number down. 1-800-EAT-SH... Uh, never mind.
Love Hurts and So Does Art [3.18][edit]
- Bobby Hill: I've got gout!
Hank's Cowboy Movie [3.19][edit]
- Dale: "I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennessee walking horse that was looking at me funny."
Dog Dale Afternoon [3.20][edit]
- Dale Gribble: Boil up some Mountain Dew; it's gonna be a long night.
Dale's alarm catches John Redcorn climbing on Dale's mower to go through Nancy's window. John Redcorn has been shot in the rear by the rigged B.B. rifle
- Dale Gribble: I know what YOU'RE HERE FOR!
- John Redcorn: Dale! This isn't how I want you to find out!
- Dale Gribble: Quit screwing with my mower.
- John Redcorn: You've got to be kidding!
- Dale Gribble: I don't kid about my mower. Now, you get inside and start massaging my wife.
- John Redcorn: (to Nancy) He's taking some of the fun out of this.
- Dale Gribble: Hank, you were right! The Cubans have my mower!
- Dale Gribble: What time is it, 3 AM, 4 AM?
- Nancy Gribble: It's six.
- Dale Gribble: A.M.?!
- Nancy Gribble: No.
- Dale Gribble: Oh. Is dinner ready?
- Dale Gribble: They wanted to see me wet my pants from fear... but they're too late!
- Hank Hill: You are officially the coolest.
Hank tells Dale to come down from a clock tower before someone gets hurt.
- Dale Gribble: Too late, I killed Shackleford! (the police gasp) No...wait, correction, Shackleford wants a pizza.
- Nancy Gribble: OK. I don't why you'd want to fool Dale like that. I mean, it's not hard. If you're someone he trusts. Hey, whatever turns you on, that's what I always say.
Revenge of the Lutefisk [3.21][edit]
- Bobby Hill: I'd like a one-way ticket to Mexico por favor. That means 'today.'
- Hank Hill: What's that smell?
- Cotton Hill: Look for the man with the terrible smell!
- Cotton Hill: I'm an old man. Everybody already hates me. But Bobby is just a child; he has his whole life ahead of him. ... If I could take a bullet for my grandson, I would. Just not in the face; that's how I make my livings.
- Cotton Hill: Ah leave it to a woman to turn god's house into a love shack.
- Cotton Hill: Did I hurt your feelings, stinky? Well, get used to it! 'Cause that's what people are gonna call you when they find out about this.
- Hank Hill: Yeah, he's right. And they'll call him worse than that! They'll call him arsonist! That's what they'll be calling him in the case of The State of Texas vs. Bobby Hill.
Wings of the Dope [3.23][edit]
- Dale: (After a trampoline falls on his foot) Aah! This is a sign that we have been playing God with Buckley's trampoline and now God is playing God with us, and He's a whole lot better at it. I refuse to touch this portal to hell!
- [Hank is hanging around Buckley's trampoline. Dale peeks out his window and yells:]
- Dale: Run, Hank! Portal to Hell!
- [Dale quickly closes his curtains.]
- [Luanne is waiting for Buckley by the trampoline, listening to "Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground," and starts to cry. Peggy comes out and puts her hand on Luanne's shoulder.]
- Luanne: Where is he? Buckley always did this to me. One time we were supposed to go see Color Me Badd and he never showed up. I was looking forward to that concert all week and when I told him, he just said "chicken beak." [pause] He better not be guardianin' some other girl. Maybe I should drop out of beauty school.
- Peggy: What? Luanne, you have wanted to go to beauty school since you were six. You have wanted to graduate beauty school since you were twelve. If you give up on school, honey, you are giving up on your dreams. "Education is the sleeping pill that makes dreams happen." - Peggy Hill.
- [Buckley has returned one final time and Luanne sits with him on the trampoline.]
- Buckley: I just wanted to say I'm sorry I bailed out of the car.
- Luanne: I knew you weren't really a jerk.
- Buckley: Yeah. Well, I gotta go. Jesus is having a party tonight. It's gonna rock.
- Luanne: There will probably be a lot of people there. But if you see Jesus, tell him I said thanks. [pause] Goodbye Buckley.
- Buckley: Um, before I go - could I have one last kiss?
- [Luanne nods. Buckley kisses her hard and begins to feel her sides; his wings flutter before she breaks away.]
- Luanne: No, that part's over.
- Buckley: Why?
- Luanne: Chicken thigh.
Season 4 (1999-2000)[edit]
Part II:Peggy Hill: The Decline and Fall [4.1][edit]
Didi is handed G.H., the baby to which she just finishing giving birth.
- Bobby Hill: Push! Push!
- Doctor: It's all right. The baby's here.
- Didi Hill: What's his name?
- Cotton Hill: I'm callin' him "Hank." I've always wanted a boy named Hank.
- Hank Hill: Uh... Dad, Hank is my name.
- Cotton Hill: Not anymore, I'm takin' it back! HE'S Hank!
- Hank Hill: You can't take away a grown man's name.
- Cotton Hill: All right, all right. I'm callin' him "Good Hank."
- Hank Hill: Dad, this isn't right. If you call him Good Hank, it's gonna make it sound like I'm Bad Hank.
- Cotton Hill: Well, you burnt my burgers, didn't you, B.H.?!?
- Cotton Hill: You wanna kill a Nazi? You wanna kill a Nazi? A Nazi-Squazzi?
Bills Are Made to Be Broken [4.3][edit]
- Bill: (Trying to put on his old football helmet) Hank, how did my head get so fat?
Little Horrors of Shop [4.4][edit]
- Carl Moss: We don't have money for all these fancy teaching aides... like wood.
- Hank Hill: You know, the Carl Moss I knew wouldn'--
- Carl Moss: Give it a rest, Hank. All parents care about these days is zero-tolerance drug policies and literacy. "Why can't Johnny read?" "Why can't Johnny read?" God, that gets old.
- Hank: But Carl, shop is the foundation of all learning. And I'll tell you what, a youngster with a tool in both hands has no hands left to do drugs.
- Carl Moss: (exasperated) They'll just put the tools down if they want to do the drugs bad enough.
- Hank: Using a saw for a weapon makes about as much sense as using a gun to cut a two-by-four. That's how my dad built my treehouse... how he cleaned it, too.
- (Hank has stated that he won't be able to continue teaching shop)
- Hank: But that shouldn't stop you from pursuing your own dreams of wood, plywood, pressed fiberboard, and, if you've got the talent, metal! Y'see, shop doesn't have to happen in any special place - as long as it's well lit, and the outlets are grounded. Because shop is bigger than any classroom, or garage, or stupid policy that makes tools illegal - it's in our hearts.
Aisle 8A [4.5][edit]
Connie is trying to explain her problem to Hank
- Connie: Well, um, you see, uhh...
- Hank: What?
Connie writes something on paper and hands it to Hank
- Hank: (Reading the note) 'Mr. Hill, I just got my first period.' Bwaaaaah!
- Peggy: Hank do you want to be in Charge?
- Hank: No.
Not In My Backhoe [4.8][edit]
[After viewing Bill's huge septic tank]
- Hank: It's a shame we have to put her in the ground.
- Dale: I am the hoe master! hear me hoe! [nearly runs over Hank and Bill and damages Bill's wall]
[Dale and Bill are secretly following Hank and Hal to the sporting goods store.]
- Dale: (Talking into tape recorder) 10:15. Hank picks up Hal.
- Bill: What?
[Dale rewinds tape recorder and plays it next to Bill's ear.]
- Dale: (On tape recorder) 10:15. Hank picks up Hal.
- Bill: (On tape recorder) What?
- Dale: I said, "10:15, Hank picks up Hal!"
To Kill A Ladybird [4.9][edit]
- Hank: Bobby, you name a pet, you name a guitar, but you do not name a filthy animal!
- Dale: [while standing on a tree branch] This...isn't...over. So long, suckers! [caws like a bird]
[He jumps off and falls flat on his face.]
- Dale: [while laying face down in the dirt] Hank, I can see your house from up here.
Hillenium [4.10][edit]
Dale enters his basement and sees that his hamster has eaten all of his food stores.
- Dale Gribble: How could you do this to me Puff-puff
- Dale Gribble: My gerbil screwed me!
- Chappy: I live in a shack, I poop in an outhouse, I eat what I kill.
- Hank Hill: There isn't a Mrs. Chappy, is there Chappy?
Part I: Hanky Panky [4.13][edit]
- Luanne Platter: (sighs) Mr. Strickland's wife is beautiful.
- Hank Hill: That's NOT his wife. That's Debbie from work. 'Pretty girl like that should have been able to get a date.
- Peggy gives Hank a look as if he has no clue about his boss' reputation
- Hank Hill: The "S" stands for service. The "T" is for trust. (Mr. Strickland and Debbie make out) "R" is for reliability. (doors are heard opening and closing) Now the "I", that stands for...
- Woman's voice{offscreen}: Jackass!
- Camera shows that Elizabeth "Miz Liz" Strickland has entered the banquet
- M.F. Thatherton{offscreen}: Oh ho, it's Miss Strickland! This ought to be good!
- Hank Hill: No, heh, heh. It's for integrity. That's not even the right letter.
- Mr. Strickland: Now, now Miz Liz. We're in public.
- Miz Liz: YOU ARE IN PUBLIC WITH THIS LITTLE BIMBO... IN FRONT OF HALF OUR CHRISTMAS CARD LIST! (notices Debbie's earrings) Are those my mother's earrings?!
- Hank Hill: "C" is for compassion....
- Miz Liz: I WANT YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE!!
- Mr. Strickland: But Miz L...
- Miz Liz: AND OUT OF THE LAKE HOUSE!!
- Mr. Strickland: The lake house?
- Miz Liz: Please forgive me for stealing your thunder Hank. Please continue.
- Miz Liz departs banquet hall
- Hank Hill: Okay now, where was I?
- M.F. Thatherton: "D" for done.
Part II: High Anxiety [4.14][edit]
- Bobby Hill: Dad! Dad, the police are lookin' for you!
- Hank Hill: (whispering to himself) Oh, god! Debbie's hippie roommate turned me in for smokin' narcotics!
- Peggy Hill: Haaaank!
- Buck Strickland: No coincidence. I like to hump, I like to eat, and I don't like to drive.
- Hank Hill: I am inducing vomiting!
- Hank Hill: How long does it take Debbie to throw in a load of laundry? I really need to talk to her.
- Debbie's roommate, Gale: She should be right up. Debbie said you were gonna... HEYYYY!
- Hank Hill: No, we were not. It was a trick.
- Debbie's roommate: Is $300 too much for a Hot Wheels VW Purple Evil Weevil?
- Hank Hill: (sighs) Yeah, I could use one too.
- Debbie's roommate, Gale: Damn, the ebay auction closed. I lost my weevil.
- Hank Hill: Dang it. Could I get a light off yours? Huh, that's a funny looking cigarette. You roll it yourself?
- Debbie's roommate, Gale: Yeah.
- Hank Hill: You got a weak flame on this thing. (Hank breathes it and coughs) This isn't one of them clove cigarettes, is it?
- Debbie's roommate, Gale: No man. That's the chronic, from Mexico.
- Hank Hill: Huh, damn NAFTA. It's clearly an inferior tobacco.
- Debbie's roommate, Gale: So, does your wife party too?
- Hank Hill: Party? Uh, we throw a party for Fourth of July and Labor Day.
- Debbie's roommate: No, I mean party, you know. Get high. Get stoned.
- Hank: BWAHHHHHHH!
- Hank Hill: It's a side effect of the marijuana poisoning!
Naked Ambition [4.15][edit]
- Luanne: My class was cancelled and the library was closed. I love college.
Dale is talking to his pet turtle.
- Dale Gribble: C'mon, I'm not leaving without my kiss. I can wait.... I can destroy you.
(Reading math word problem)
- Bobby: Mrs. Johnson's bag has six puppies. Mr. Peterson's bag has minus four puppies...
Joseph is crouched down, his face is pressed against the door handle.
- Joseph: Why don't your doors have keyholes?
- Bobby: You're really starting to creep me out, now go home!
Bobby shoves Joseph, who hits the door and makes a noise and runs away. The door opens. Bobby gasps.
- Luanne: Bobby, it's perfectly natural to want to see a woman naked, but I am your cousin. Now, the first time was an accident, but if I catch you again, you are going to hell.
Bobby sees Joseph outside in the bushes.
- Bobby: Are you crazy? We're going to get caught. I could go to hell!
- Joseph: I can't help myself. I've got a monkey on my back and it wants to see Luanne naked!
- Dale Gribble: Hey you, crazy guy. I'll give you a smoke if you trade clothes with me.
- Dale Gribble: Infiltration of mental hospital complete. Proceed to phase two; exfiltration of mental hospital.
Dale tries to open a locked door.
- Dale Gribble: Apparently this door has some kind of anti-opening device.
- Dale Gribble: ...which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They're tired of being eaten, and now they're fighting back.
- Psychiatrist: I see.
- Dale Gribble: Anyhoo, I just stopped by to pick up my buddy Boomhauer. You see, we're both in here by mistake. Now I can't vouch for Boomhauer, but I am most definitely not crazy.
- Psychiatrist: Go on.
- Dale Gribble: Did you just say, "Go Mom"? Now who's the crazy one?
- Bill: (In a self-help class in a mental hospital) It's just that in the alley, no one cares what I have to say, but here, I feel heard and accepted and dare I say... loved?
- Dale: We gotta get out of here. The smoking breaks are too short, the food is good at best and the anti-depressants are making my mouth dry and happy.
Bill raises his hand.
- Bill: (shouting) Can I get some glitter please?
- Bill: Why don't we just call Hank?
- Dale: No. Hank must never know we were in here. Our society stigmatizes the mentally ill... and rightfully so, these people are nuts!
- Hank: (Hank realizes he's all alone and sighs. Then he sees Khan starting to build a fence.) Hey Khan. I thought I heard someone mixing concrete.
- Khan: Oh, that's right. I'm building fence. Big fence. Eight feet tall between your house and my house.
- Hank: Eight feet huh? Yeah, you see Khan, in this neighborhood, side fences have to be 5'6 or under. It's not in the code or anything, it's just something I'm trying to enforce.
- Khan: You really want to help me, Hank Hill? You keep your dirty little boy's hands off my innocent genius daughter!
- Hank: Now what's that supposed to mean?
- Khan: Last night, I catch Bobby half-naked in Connie's room!
- Hank: Bobby?!
- Khan: The truth about your little boy not so pretty after all, is it, Hank Hill?! He girl-crazy sex-fiend!
- Hank: Well, that boy's gonna get a talking to, I tell ya what! (Hank walks away and secretly laughs) Whew.
- Luanne Platter: Aunt Peggy, Mister Kahn saw me naked!
- Joseph: (driving by on his bike) Oh man!
Movin On Up [4.16][edit]
- Dale Gribble: The only thing your roommates (ie: enemies) will understand is fear (ie: psychological warfare (ie: dirty tricks)). It worked for Dick Nixon. For example, get ahold of some goat's blood. Taint that blood. Then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goat's blood. It's a perfect plan.
- Luanne: I don't want to hurt anyone... I just want them to do the dishes.
- Dale Gribble: Oh, well in that case stack the dishes in the shower. That's the way Nancy gets me to do them.
- Hank: So you found yourself a project. Do you get the same, uh, high I get from lawn care?
Won't You Pimai Neighbor? [4.18][edit]
[Peggy and Hank are practicing how to like Kahn and Mihn]
- Peggy: Let's practice. I'll be Kahn. [clears throat] You are a dumb redneck!
- Hank: That sounds more like Mihn.
- Peggy: [still imitating Kahn] Well, leave my wife out of this hillbilly!
- Hank: [chuckles] He, he. I wish they'd move.
[Dale's finger is stuck in Bill's beer can]
- Dale: Let go of my finger!
- Bill: You let go of my beer!
- Dale: So help me, Bill don't mess with my trigger finger!
- Bill: Oh, what are you going to do, shoot me with my beer? I don't think so!
Peggy sees a bumper sticker reading; 'My child is an honor roll student.'
- Peggy Hill: Oh yeah? Well my child is God to billions of Asians!
Meet The Propaniacs [4.20][edit]
- Joe Jack: "Baby did a bad, bad thing."
- Bobby Hilll: "... Not like butane and those other bastard gasses."
Nancy's Boys [4.21][edit]
[Hank can't take Dale, Bill, or Boomhauer to a restaurant because Peggy wants it to be only a couples night out. The single trio sigh, but Dale realizes he has a wife]
- Dale: Wait a minute. I have a wife; We're a couple! [starts doing a martial dance while singing] I get a free meal! I get a free meal! [to Hank] He, Ha.
[Hank sighs]
- Dale Gribble: Wait a minute. Every time I leave, you call John Redcorn. I know what's going on here. Your headaches are a desperate bid for my attention. But what do I do? I pawn you off on some Indian healer so I can have my Dale time at the gun club, or breeding show turtles, or on the Internet investigating unexplained phenomenonon. God, I am so selfish!
- Dale: [while forming a line while skating with Nancy] Love train! Woo, woo!
- Dale: Aw, I've been at John Redc- uh, the gun club ... playing Russian Roulette.
- Nancy: Did you win?
- Dale: You're not familiar with the game, are you?
- Nancy: No...
- Dale: Yeah, I won.
Flush With Power [4.22][edit]
Hank installs a low-flow toilet and flushes twice
- Hank Hill: Still?
Hank's lawn dies due to a drought and Bobby tries to help
- Bobby Hill: Dad! I just took a thirty second shower and I'm gonna dry myself off on the lawn!
Kahn attempts to explain why his lawn is so green during a severe drought
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: I use secret Asian watering technique! I could spit in a thimble and water Central Park.
Hank is offered low flow toilets from water meter reader guy
- Hank Hill: Well, I don't know. My toilets have given 15 years of dependable service. I'm not one of those guys who turns 40 and runs out and buys fancy new toilets.
- Hank Hill:..But, unfortunately, in the real world, where things don't flush like they do in the movies...
- Town Hall
- Hank: Where do I register to run for the zoning board?
- Bureaucrat: Fill out this form.
- Hank fills out form and submits it
- Hank: When will the election be?
- Bureaucrat: There is no election. There has been a vacancy on the zoning board for the past three years. The seat is yours.
- Bobby: We won!
- Hank: No Bobby, Arlen won.
Season 5 (2000-2001)[edit]
The Perils of Polling [5.2][edit]
- Dale: "That makes a whole lot of sense... A whole lot of nonsense!"
I Don't Want to Wait for Our Lives to Be Over... [5.3][edit]
- Kahn: [Answering a knock at the door] Use doorbell, you idiot. [Kahn opens the door and sees Joseph standing there] Connie, it's for you!
- Connie: If it's Bobby, slam the door in his face!
- Kahn: Oh, I wish it was, so I could!
- Minh: Boy, that little hillbilly pack quite a wallop. You want some neproxin?
- Joesph: No, I'm okay.
- Minh: How did tall, dark, and handsome get butt-kicked by short, fat, and redneck?
- Joesph: [sighs and stares at Minh and kisses her]
- Connie: Joseph? [Minh is laughing] What's going on?
- Minh: Oh, you so cute. Kahn gonna get a big kick out of this.
- Connie: Joseph? How could you? [throws a towel at him and runs away]
- Joesph: Sorry, I just... I thought you liked me.
- Minh: Oh yeah. You rock my world [laughs]
When Cotton Comes Marching Home [5.6][edit]
- Didi Hill: Sorry I'm late; I had to take three buses to get here: one to get here, one to go back and get G.H., and one to get here.
T'was the Nut Before Christmas [5.8][edit]
- [Hank and Peggy are looking at all the children at the Santa's Village at Bill's house.]
- Peggy: Rented snow machines, all these lights-- it's like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.
- Hank: It's Christmas and Bill's happy. I'll tell you how Jesus feels-- great.
- [The Hills are trying to drive through the congested traffic on their street, when Dale knocks on Hank's window.]
- Dale: Valet parking is five dollars. Valet of the Dale's is not responsible for lost or stolen articles.
- Hank: Dale, I'm just going to park in my driveway.
- Dale: That lot's full, but Bill says I can put overflow parking poolside at Luanne's house. [yells to Octavio, off-screen]
Octavio! La bomba le automobilo. No scratcho. Comprende?
- [Wally is looking into Luanne's yard over Bill's fence.]
- Wally: Nice pool. What say we jump in and see what floats?
- Luanne: Just keep your beer cans off of my lawn. And quit trying to read my t-shirt.
- [Hank approaches Wally.]
- Wally: You lose something over here?
- Hank: I am making a citizen's arrest for trespassing.
- Wally: I don't think so.
- Hank: Believe me, I've done it before.
- [Wally holds up Bill's house key.]
- Hank: Well, how did you get Bill's key chain? Okay, you're under arrest for theft, too.
- Wally: He gave it to me. Now, get off our property, or I'll citizen arrest you.
- Hank: Damn it, when Bill comes home...
- Wally: [mockingly] "Weh Beh guh hum..."
- Hank: What the hell are you doing?
- Wally: "Whu de huh ur da doon?"
- [Hank storms off as Wally's friends laugh.]
- [Bobby, Connie, and Joseph walk up to Wally.]
- Wally: I believe you guys are first-time callers, so I'm only going to charge you a buck.
- Bobby: For what?
- Wally: Beer.
- Connie: We'd better go.
- Bobby: Why? Because beer's not TV-14? Set me up, my man.
- [Wally hands Bobby a 40 ounce bottle of Alamo beer. Bobby is hesitant to take it.]:
- Wally: What's the matter? 40 ounces for a buck is a good deal.
- Bobby: Oh, yeah. I just usually drink 30 ouncers, but hey, it's the weekend.
- [Moments later, The kids are in the bounce house, groaning drunkenly.]
- Bobby: [huddling up against Connie] Come here. Just think, Connie girl, when we're all grown-ups and marrieds, we'll get to do this every night.
- Connie: Yeah, I want a house just like this-- with soft floors and plastic windows.
- Joseph: [staring at the ceiling] Look at the stars. There's... so many of them.
- Bobby: Yeah.
- Connie: Cool.
- Wally: You know the best way to sober up? Bounce around a lot-- get it out of your system.
- [The kids try to stand up, but are too drunk to do so. They start laughing as Hank finds them.]
- Hank: Bobby?
- Bobby: Hey, Dad! I like beer! [immediately turns around and vomits.]
Hank and the Great Glass Elevator' [5.11][edit]
- Bill: "Can't a man get his own Ranger Dog?"
- Hank: I'm gonna kick your asses!
- Dale: Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?
Now Who's the Dummy?' [5.12][edit]
- [Dale has hired Octavio to destroy a puppet that frightens him. Octavio spies on Hank and Bobby while Dale spies on Octavio.]:
- Octavio: (Into a tape recorder) 11:15 A.M.: The man and the boy and the puppet leave the house.
- Dale: (Into a tape recorder) 11:16: Octavio speaks into tape recorder, thus leaving crucial evidence, stupid idiot! Octavio must be gotten rid of!
- [Dale opens his glove-box and moves a pistol aside. Then he takes out a notepad and begins to write.]
- Dale: Dear Octavio, this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write...
- Dale: (After inhaling chloroform) You wouldn't hit an unconscious ma--(passes out)
Ho Yeah [5.13][edit]
- Hank Hill: The only woman I'm pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out all over this town.
- [Trying to act like a pimp while confronting one.]
- Hank Hill: Alright, man, get outta that Jalopy and let's talk some bui'ness!
- Hank Hill: I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County, I play it straight up, yo. You get the hell outta my 'hood!
- Hank Hill: You get out... your hooker stuff... of my house!
- [Realizing the pimp realated stuff going on]
- Hank Hill: Son of a... BWAAH!!
The Exterminator [5.14][edit]
- Dale: "Turbines!" (NOTE: He is in a air vent filled with roaches, he promptly rotates and kills several)
Luanne Virgin 2.0 [5.15][edit]
A sleeping Hank is awakened by a telephone call at home.
- Hank Hill: Uhh...Strickland Propane, taste the...I mean, hello?
- Luanne Platter: Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex.
- Hank Hill: Peggy...I can see your whatnots.
- [Hank learns that Peggy had sex with another man before she got married.]
- Hank: Bwaaah!!!
- Peggy: He's gay now, if that makes you feel better.
- Hank: BWAAAAAAAAAH!!!
- Peggy: Of course it doesn't.
It's Not Easy Being Green [5.17][edit]
- Boomhauer: (To Bobby) "Hey man, your daddy quotes me? Hey man, maybe we'll stay mad at Hank for just one week." (Versus three)
- Hank: Why couldn't it have been me and Boomhauer that did something horrible to you guys?
- Bill: 'Cause Boomhauer's a saint.
Hank's Back Story [5.19][edit]
- Dr. Tate : Mr. Hill, you have no ass.
- Hank: You want me to wear a fake hiney?
- Dr. Tate: Mr. Hill, are your shoes fake feet?
- Cotton Hill: Good God, Hank. Yer wearin' butt boobies!
- Diminished Glutes Support Group: [Chanting at race]: We're here! No rear! Get used to it!
Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story [5.20][edit]
- Dale: (When Dale's Porta Potti collapses while Hanks's in it) "He's a squatter!"
- Senior#1: (Enters the boys' bathroom with his friends while Bobby is washing his hands) "Ha. Hey, Fresh meat, This is the seniors bathroom. I'm gonna shove your head in the toilet".
Season 6 (2001-2002)[edit]
Bobby Goes Nuts [6.1][edit]
- Bobby: That's my purse! I don't know you!
[Bobby talks about his new penchant for kicking people in the groin.]
- Bobby: Hey, I didn't go looking for trouble. Trouble came-a-knockin' and Bobby Hill's foot answered the door.
- Bill: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.
[Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin]
- Dale: Be careful what you wish for.
- Bobby: I kicked my dad in the crotch.
- Connie: You kicked your father? We all have those feelings, Bobby. But, we never act on them.
- Kahn: (Talking to Bobby) I heard what you did to Chane Wassonasong -- unforgivable! But then I hear what you did to your father -- very funny. So I'm conflicted.
- Peggy: Uh-huh, That's right, Bobby. I believe you will find that I have no testicles. Where's your secret weapon now, huh?
- Kahn: She bluffing! Finish her!
- Bobby: Um, alright guys. The girls aren't here, you don't have to pretend to be tough. Oh! [Chane pushes him to the ground] Come on. Uh, I live next door. All I have to do is scream and my dad will be on you like flies on pie.
- Chane Wassonasong: If you eat some dirt, then maybe I'll leave you alone.
- Bobby: But, I don't want to eat any dirt. Well, maybe just a little. (He pretends to eat dirt) Yum, that's good dirt.
- Chane Wassonasong: You didn't eat any.
- Bobby: DAD! DAD!
- Bobby: I'm sorry, Mom. It was a reflex. [Peggy jumps on him, then noogies him] Mom, okay! I said I was sorry! [groaning]
Soldier of Misfortune [6.2][edit]
- Dale Gribble: If you want to elect me, Dale Gribble, president of the Gun Club, running on the Save-Your-Sorry-Ass platform, say "aye."
- Dale Gribble: (holding a plate of macaroons, small macaroons on one side, large macaroons on the other side) Macaroon? I've got entrance wound size, and exit wound size. (The small macaroons are called "entrance wound size", and the large macaroons are called "exit wound size".)
- Dale: Pocket sand! Sh-sh-sha! (tosses sand in the eyes of his attacker)
Hank, Boomhaur, and Bill are tied to chairs when Hank decided to try and call for help using his nose to poke the phone on the front of Boomhauer's belt. When Mad Dog walks in, he sees it from an unfortunate angle.
- Mad Dog
- Oh my god, what the hell are you doing?!
- Hank Hill: Nothing! I swear! I was just calling for help!
Dale is on the phone with Hank who has been kidnapped.
- Bobby Hill: Is that my dad [on the phone]? Ask him if he's gonna be late if I can have his pork chop.
- Dale Gribble: Bobby, you'll be eating your father's pork chop every night for the rest of your life. Wait. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Retraction! Bobby, you will not be having your father's pork chop tonight, or any other night! You hear me Hank?! Bobby's not eating your pork chop!
Lupe's Revenge [6.3][edit]
Peggy is giving her testimony to a Mexican court, in Spanish.
- Peggy Hill: (subtitled): Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory.
The Father, the Son, and J.C. [6.4][edit]
Hank is trying to choose a Christmas ornament.
- Hank Hill: How about this one?
- Cotton Hill: Peace!? I bet you would like that! Why don't you get one with a flag-burnin' on it? Besides, we're a Joy family.
- Hank Hill: Dad, it's Jesus peace, not Hippie peace...
- Didi Hill: I'm lucky. Cotton is so easy to shop for. Either he likes what I get him, and he's happy, or he hates it, and he shoots it, and he's happy.
I'm With Cupid [6.6][edit]
- Bobby: "I'm sweet on you, Connie! I'm your little candy man!"
- Bobby: (When Connie referred to Bobby as 'just a friend) "Don't use the 'f' word on me, not me; This is your cuddle monster talking."
- Stuart Dooley: (To Bobby) "You shot her in the eye."
- Connie: "Oh, gross! You licked it!" (runs off, Joseph puts down his drink)
- Joseph: (to Bobby) "What are you doing? You're ruining my party." (takes Bobby's toy bow)
- Bobby: (to Joseph) "What?! You wouldn't even be having this party if it wasn't for me. You'd just be sitting alone going, 'Dude, like, eh... I'm so bleah."
- Joseph: "Come on. Get..." (tries to push Bobby out)
- Bobby: "Watch it. You're pulling off the wings! Let go! I'm not leaving! I am not leaving unless Connie leaves with me." (Bobby now gets in, trying to hold his grip onto the couch.)
- Joseph:(as he and the boys grab Bobby) "Come on. One, two, three. Get him. Get him." (Clark Peters lifts his fingers, carry him, and throw him over the fence, cheering. Bobby grunts)
Unfortunate Son [6.11][edit]
- Dale: Falcon, bring us back a vole. Sh-sh-sha!
[The falcon immediately attacks Bill.]
- Bill: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! It bites!
[Bill runs off.]
- Dale: ...so Bill's a vole.
Are You There, God? I't's Me, Margret Hill [6.12][edit]
- Hank: That's a clean-burning Hell, I tell you what!
Tankin' It To The Streets [6.13][edit]
[Kahn tries to drive his SUV in his garage, but it's to big to fit inside.]
- Hank: Where are you going to keep it, smart guy? It doesn't even fit inside your garage.
- Kahn: Uh, Maybe I keep garage inside SUV! (laughs) Kiss my ass!
- Dale: It said P-lacebo... it must be made by P-fizer.
- Dale: Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me.
Of Mice and Little Green Men [6.14][edit]
Dale is talking to Joseph.
- Dale Gribble: You're like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.
Both he and his father believing he's an alien, Joseph explains to Bobby why Dale suddenly buys him a new large TV
- Joseph Gribble: He's just being nice to me so my real dad won't freeze him in carbonite and trade him for spice.
A Man Without a Country Club [6.15][edit]
- Dale Gribble: What happens if my tee shot lands on a bird's back and he carries it out of bounds but then is attacked by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops it in the hole? Is that still a hole-in-one? Because that's how I'm going to play it.
- Hank Hill: Dang it, Dale. It already happened once. What are the odds of it happening again?
- Bill Dauterive: I've never had a caddy before. I'm gonna treat him like crap.
- Kahn has distracted Hank in front of the membership chairman. Ted Wassanasong goes to speak to Khan in private
- Ted Wassanasong: Damn it, Kahn, do you want to join Nine Rivers?
- Khan: Oh yes! Thank you, Ted!
- Ted: Welp, you can forget it!
- Kahn frowns
- Ted: ...Unless you can show Mr. Ho that Hank Hill would be the perfect Nine Rivers member.
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: What do you want with that chicken-fried loser?
- Ted: The PGA has refused to have their tournament at Nine Rivers unless we attract at least one non-Asian member. You deliver me Hank, I will put you up for junior membership.
- Kahn: You will offer me full membership!
- Ted: Associate membership?
- Kahn: Full membership!
- Ted{meekly}: Done!
- Hank: Can I ask you something? What and what accessories do I sell for a living?
- Ted: Tractors?
- [Later]
- Dale: To be fair, Hank, you used to sell tractors.
- Hank: Yeah, well, he didn't know that.
Beer and Loathing [6.16][edit]
- At a market near the Mexico/US border
- Dale Gribble: I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious.
- Outside the Mexican market. Guys enjoy a long-awaited Alamo Beer, except Bill, who eats a banana
- Hank: Yup.
- Dale: Yup.
- Boomhauer: Uh huh.
- Bill: Come on Hank. One beer is not going to make me drunk. Look how fat I am.
- Hank: Sorry Bill, but that is what you get for having a mouthful of banana when we called "not it".
- Returning to Arlen. Bill is driving Dale's van
- Dale Gribble: Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!
- Dale Gribble: (vomits) Damn that Mexican banana!
- Bill Dautrieve: Don't blame the banana! I had more than anyone, peels included. And I didn't get sick until way after!
Fun with Jane and Jane [6.17][edit]
- Hank Hill: No, you are not tripping, that is an emu.
- Luanne and other girls enter Omega House. One member takes Luanne's luggage but a van pulls up and two men grab her and force her inside
- Mother: Lisa, you need help. These men are here to get you back to normal.
- Lisa: Who is Lisa? My name is Jane.
- Deprogrammer #1: Do not worry young lady, all will be OK. Thank God we got her.
- Deprogrammer #2: Yeah, it was a lucky break. This cult has lawyers up the ying-yang.
My Own Private Rodeo [6.18][edit]
[Dale confronts his father.]
- Dale Gribble: Prepare to be beaten by the deadliest form of martial arts. Monkey style! Ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh!
[Dale believes his father is hitting on his wife. Thus, he throws a knife and hits a mannequin near them.]
- Dale Gribble: Get away from my wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you.
[Dale talks to the audience at a gay rodeo.]
- Dale Gribble: Attention homosexuals and so called "bi"-sexuals.
- Nancy Gribble: This is supposed to be my re-wedding to Dale! My second chance! Why is God punishin' me? (looks up with her arms in the air) Why, sug?!
- Bug Gribble: Oh my god, Hank! Are you gay?
- Hank Hill: What?! No! I sell propane!
- Nancy Gribble: So, are you really okay with your dad being gay?
- Dale Gribble: Why would I have a problem with it? John Redcorn's gay, and I've been friends with him for years!
Sug Night [6.19][edit]
- Hank: Hey, John Redcorn.
- John Redcorn: Hank.
- Hank: Uh, yeah, John Redcorn, I had a dream last night. You got a minute?
- John Redcorn: Come in. I'll brew some chamomile tea.
- Hank: ...and the woman in my dreams, the one without the clothing, was not my wife. And needless to say that is not a dream I intended to have.
- John Redcorn: My people believe that dreams of the unconscious mind trying to solve a problem with the conscious mind cannot. Is there anything unusual going on with you?
- Hank: Nope. Everything's the same as it's always been for as long as I can remember. Yep, same old, same old.
- John Redcorn: Is it possible that after 20 years of marriage, you're a little tired of your wife?
- Hank: What?! That's crazy! Our romantic life is as good as the day we were married. It hasn't changed a bit. Yep, we've got a great routine. If I were bored of Peggy, I'd be having dreams in which I was bored of Peggy, not grilling naked with the neighbor's wife.
- John Redcorn: (laughs) Minh.
- Hank: Uh, no.
- John Redcorn: It's Nancy? My Nancy? You're having dirty dreams about my sweet Nan-Nan?
- Hank: Say, is that a new suede vest?
- John Redcorn: Nancy used to like it when I kept the vest on during sex. Do you want it?
- Hank: Oh, God!
- John Redcorn: Here, take it! Take it all!
- Hank: Bah!
- John Redcorn: (crying)
Dang Ol' Love [6.20][edit]
- Marlene: I'm going to be honest with you -- I only understand about half of what you say. The other times I just nod and smile and wait for your pants to come off.
- Peggy: Bill is picking on Boomhauer? He hasn't done that since he had hair.
- Luanne: She's not coming back, honey.
- Bobby: 'Course she is. She's Mr. Boomhauer's girlfriend.
- Luanne: Let's see, how can I explain this...? You know how you can be happy eating vanilla ice cream day after day after day? Well, Mr. Boomhauer isn't just like that. See, he likes to try different flavors.
- Bobby: But he can have a new flavor every day! He's dating the ice cream lady!
- Luanne: Mr. Boomhauer had grown-up sex with the ice cream lady, and now he's dumped her. You're never gonna have ice cream again, Bobby.
- Dale: We gotta do something. The alley was balanced before. A cool single guy, and a cool married guy. A loser single guy, and a loser married guy. Now it's me and three losers!
- Peggy: If you think for one second that I'm gonna stand by while you go on a floozy hunt for Boomhauer, I...
- Hank: Peggy, do you want another "Bill" on your hands?
- Peggy: (giving in) Take my car. It's a chick magnet.
- Bill: (To Boomhauer) I know how dark it is for you right now; curled up, lying in your own emotional vomit. You're in hell now, Boomhauer. And the only way out is through a long, dark tunnel. And you're afraid to go in, because there's a train comin' at you, carryin' a boxcar full of heartbreak. Well, let me tell you something: all you can do is let it hit you. And then try to find your legs. I know, I've taken that hit more times than I can remember. Look at me Boomhauer, I'm fat, and I'm old, and every day I'm just gonna wake up fatter and older. Yet somehow I manage to drag this fat old bald bastard into the alley every day. I'm out there diggin' holes, fallin' into them, climbin' out, tryin' again, and tomorrow, I'm gonna hang outside at a ladies prison. And the first thing those lady cons are gonna see after 20 years? Is me. Will I get one? Experience says no. Will I be out there next month? If I'm alive you better believe it. You gotta get right back up on that tanning bed, slip into a tight t-shirt, wash off some of that cologne, and get yourself out of that tunnel and into some strange woman's bed!
Returning Japanese [6.21/6.22][edit]
- [Hank meets his Japanese half-brother, who looks astonishingly like him, for the first time.]
- Hank: Bwah!!!
- Junichiro: (In unison with hank) Hwah!!!
- Junichiro: I kick-a your ass!!!
- Bobby: Good God! That is the biggest Hello Kitty store I've ever seen!
- Junichiro: (To Hank) With all respect and honor, I would not be saddened if both you and your father went to Hell!
- [After receiving a message with information about rampaging Cotton's whereabouts.]
- Junichiro: It is one of the businessmen I exchanged cards with! See? Japanese politeness is surprisingly effective! He just saw shinless stranger boarding at train station. He say he buy train ticket and... dishonor pay toilet.
- [After discarding Japanese politeness in favor of American ass-kicking.]
- Junichiro: Look at me! Here come Ronald Reagan, Mike Tyson!
- [Reading letter to Luanne.]
- Hank: Hi, my name is Ladybird. I like long walks, my arthritis medication, and two cups of kibble a day. I'll try to outsmart you and get three cups, but I know you're too clever for that, Ms. Platter. (Giggles)
- Luanne: I don't know, Uncle Hank. She did write this letter, and everything.
- Hank: Trip's off!
- Michiko (Junichiro's mother): This arrangement offered me many opportunities for difficulty.
- [Hank and Junichiro have just watch Cotton depart from the train station.]
- Junichiro: He will be proud of me. I was abrupt with an elderly woman.
- Hank: [sighs] We're too late. Our dad's on his way to spit in the emperor's face.
- Junichiro: Hwah!!!
Season 7 (2002-2003)[edit]
Get Your Freak Off [7.1][edit]
- Hank: (Referring to Bobby's dancing at a concert) They weren't dancing like you and I dance. They were...enjoying it.
Goodbye Normal Jeans [7.4][edit]
- Hank: (Upon Hank finding Bobby holding a Cheerleader uniform) There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.
Hank- "If bobby Learns to cook and clean for himself whats his motivation to ever get married."
The Texas Skillsaw Massacre [7.7][edit]
- Hank Hill: You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!
- Big Jim: Ha ha, that's telling him.
- Hank Hill: 'Felt good, too.
- Dale Gribble: Back off, Hank, or Octavio will mess you up.
- Octavio: Gribble, I don't care if he stays or goes. Where's the money you owe me, esse?
- Dale Gribble: You heard him.
- Big Jim: Take the first shot, Cochise. I love two things: building doll house furniture and kicking ass. And I don't see any no houses 'round here. You see any doll houses, Hank?
- Hank Hill: No, I don't.
- Big Jim: No you don't, that's right! What are you looking at, sport? Don't you eyeball me! Don't you eyeball a JUNKYARD DOG! [Everyone is looking scared, even Hank] ARF! ARF! ARF! NOW YOU GOT THE DOG BARKING! YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT! ARF! ARF!
- [yells, bellows, suddenly grabs his chest and keels over]
A garbage truck has fallen into Dales tunnel just seconds after he's gotten out.
- Dale Gribble: Now that we're up here, what is so damn important?
- Hank Hill:I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
- Bill Dauterive: You cut Dale's finger off for building a tunnel. I once made a vest out of your wife's underpants. I can't imagine what you'd do to me.
- Police Office (thinking it's a domestic abuse situation): It always happens to the younger, prettier ones.
- Dale Gribble: (Yelling at Hank) If it were up to you, you would have filled my buddy tunnel with cement, so no one else could use it! (Note the sexual innuendo/double entendre, based on context of scene).
- Didi Hill: Hank has always been angry. When we were in kindergarten, and the other children would use the finger paints, he would pinch them.
- Hank Hill: You are a BALD FACED LIAR!
- Cotton Hill: AMEN!
- Hank Hill(To Dale): It's gonna take a lot of hard work to repair this floor, and since this is all your fault, Mister, I'm not gonna let you help me.
- Bobby Hill: Can I help?
- Hank Hill: Yes, Bobby.
- Dale Gribble: Objection, Conjecture, Object-ure!
- Hank Hill: That's not a word!
- Hank Hill: [realizing it's no time to keep his temper, he turns violently angry] Get out! Get out! GET OUT! IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THAT GOD-DANG RAT HOLE NOW, I'LL GET MY CIRCULAR SAW, COME DOWN THERE, CUT OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES! NOW MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!!!
(Dale, Bill and Boomhauer are terrified and race out of the hole just as the garbage truck crushes down and flattens the tunnel).
Mega Lo Dale [7.10][edit]
- Hank Hill: Hey Boomhauer, you any closer to getting married?
- Boomhauer: Dang ol'...huh?
- Dale Gribble: I hear Mega Lo Mart is taking bids for a rat problem. Boy, that'd be a sweet gig. I could finally start paying for Nancy's health insurance instead of just telling Nancy I'm paying for it.
- Dale Gribble: You still think it's rats. Well, don't beat yourself up, Hank, I did too until the evidence pointed to baboon.
- Hank Hill: Baboon? Dale, don't tell Glidewell there's a baboon. It's not a baboon.
- Dale Gribble: I know that. I won't bore you with the details, but bottom line: it's Chuck Mangione!
- Hank Hill: Dale's losing it at Mega Lo Mart, Nancy. We need some traps for the rat, and a tranquilizer gun for... uh... also for the rat.
- Dale Gribble: Well, that's the calculated risk you take when you release a mongoose.
:(Dale and Chuck Mangione argue who's crazier)
- Chuck Mangione: You let a mongoose out in the store.
- Dale Gribble: You're living in a T.P. fort.
- Chuck Mangione: Let's agree to disagree.
- Boomhauer (In disbelief): Chuck Mangione. He's probably out there in Hollywood, you know, sticking his horn to dang ole Minnie Driver.
Boxing Luanne [7.11][edit]
- Luanne Platter: I closed my eyes and I was thinking of those stupid guys in my math class... oh, and the guy in the parking lot... and that volunteer pool cleaner who always comes by when I'm swimming.
- Angela: Tell me about it. I once fell for a free breast examination in a bar.
- Luanne Platter: Yeah, there's nothing worse than people not respecting you. Every time I get hooted at I have to take an hour of Tae Bo.
- Hank Hill: Tae Bo, is that that new oriental way of moving your couch around?
- Hank Hill: (after Luanne explains Tae-Bo): Oh, it's dancing.
- Bobby Hill: Hmm. That sounds --
- Hank Hill: No.
- Luanne Platter: Guess who I ran into at the gym... Buck Strickland! He watched me do Tae Bo and he thinks I'd be a great boxer!
- Hank Hill: Look, Luanne, I fought at the Y and trust me, you are no boxer.
- Luanne Platter: Yea-huh. Friday at midnight in the bathroom at Sugarfoots, and I am going to stand up and fight and be respected just like you said.
- Hank Hill: Luanne, the kind of women that box don't have 50 stuffed animals on their bed. Why don't you spend Friday night watching one of those movies you like, where the people fall in love and then one of them dies?
- Angela: Men are never going to respect us. That's why we've got to use what God or the surgeon gave us to get what they got: Money.
- Luanne Platter: So you'd do anything for money?
- Angela: Or a car.
Vision Quest [7.12][edit]
- John Redcorn: Hank, this is an important ritual among my people. Don't half-ass it.
- Dale Gribble: I see the buffalo! I AM THE BUFFALO!
(the guys in the alley are standing around drinking as always, but Dale is in Native American garb--who yells in a Native American chant cry)
- Bill Dautrieve: Well, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Dale--something seems different about you.
- Dale Gribble: Something IS different, Bill. I had a vision. I'm an Indian now.
- Bill Dautrieve: Oh.
- Dale Gribble: I've always wondered why I hated the federal government or loved tobacco with such passion. But now it all makes sense!
- Hank Hill: Okay Time Out, Sitting Jackass! Have you looked in the mirror lately? You are the God-dang whitest person I've ever seen!
- Dale Gribble: I AM THE ALBINO BUFFALO! Deal with it!
(Joseph is sitting by the campfire as he's supposed to have a vision. The others are away)
- Joseph Gribble: Dad, where the Hell are you? DAD!
(John Redcorn watches from a tree looking very sad and wishing Joseph was calling to him, biting his lip)
- Bobby Hill: Your dad's not coming. He's rolling around on the ground and eating bark and my dad is screaming, "Dang it!" a lot.
- Joseph Gribble: This trip is so... SUCKS! You know what the land is tell me? WRECK STUFF!
- Bobby Hill: What are YOU DOING?!? THAT'S YOUR DAD'S SLEEPING BAG!
(He gets up and throws a sleeping bag into the campfire)
- Joseph Gribble: HA! HA! LOOK AT IT BURN!
(John looks away, disheartened)
Board Games [7.14][edit]
- Peggy: It's for the freakin' children!
An Officer and a Gentle Boy [7.15][edit]
- Cotton Hill: In my day, the principal was the meanest sum-bitch God ever put on one leg. He'd lean on a desk with both hands, and swing his leg at ya! Then, when you were standing there shocked that a one-legged man had kicked ya...he'd bite ya!
- Bobby Hill: The clock radio smells like my Game Boy, but it tastes like my library card. I wonder if it smells different when it's on...
Night and Deity [7.21][edit]
- Dale Gribble: Look at all those pests out there. I wonder if we'll ever win this war.
- Sheila: Don't you just find the mating habits of animals fascinating? When a pigeon wants to mate, it makes this noise. Coo. Coo.
- Dale Gribble: Interesting. When cockroaches want to mate, they flush all the air out their book gloves. It sounds kinda like (gasp).
- Sheila: Coo. Coo.
- Dale Gribble: (gasp)
- Sheila: Well, it's getting late. You want to go downstairs. I got us a room, I'm warming up some brandy in the coffeemaker.
- Dale Gribble: Wait a second. Are you attempting to... know me?
- Sheila: Dale, you're one of the sweetest, gentlest, funniest men I've ever met.
- Dale Gribble: True, but Sheila, I'm married.
- Sheila: It's just us tonight. (She tries to kiss Dale)
- Dale Gribble: Oh no, Missy. There are 3 people here tonight. You, me, and my wife. I've taken two oaths in my life: One to the NRA, and the other to Nancy Hicks-Gribble. Nay, Nancy Hicks. I stood in front of God and all my friends, swearing to be an honorable and truthful man. So I'm not going to lie, I, I have felt a very small, insect-like attraction for you. But my wife is the greatest woman there ever was! I think you should go. (Sheila leaves) (pigeons cooing) Jeez, woman, take a hint. (turns to see the pigeon cooing. believing the pigeon is propositioning him) You heard me. I love my wife.
Season 8 (2003-2004)[edit]
Patch Boomhauer [8.1][edit]
- Hank: [To Boomhauer] I never thought I'd have to drag you into the garage, like I do with Bill and Dale!
- Hank: I really thought Boomhauer had come around. I mean, he brought beer, but then...the prostitutes.
- Dale: Maybe you can include that in your best-man speech at the rehearsal dinner. You know, in a funny way?
- Hank: [Goes to talk to Boomhauer] Now, Boomhauer, as a man, I'm obligated of salvaging our friendship of over 30 years, by asking you some tough questions. [Boomhauer, after a moment, nods] Do you love Kathryn Hester?
- Boomhauer: Yo, man.
- Hank: And does the thought of Patch marrying her tear you up inside?
- Boomhauer: ...Yo, man.
- Hank: And did you hire those women of..."easy virtue" to frame Patch and to break up the wedding?
- Boomhauer: [stares down Hank for a long moment] NO, man.
- Hank: ...Oh, Boomhauer, I am so sorry for doubting you. But, wait a minute, if you didn't hire them, then..[Gasps] Craig T?! Oh, God, Patch knew all along!
- Boomhauer: Damn straight, man. Now, talkin' 'bout, you know, do-don't get hurt fallin' off that dang ol' high horse, man!
- Hank: Boomhauer, I deserve all that and more, but right now, I need to get to the rehearsal dinner and set things right. I'll give Patch the "happy ending" he deserves, I tell you what!
(Hank gives a toast at Patch's rehearsal dinner)
- Hank Hill: Hank Hill, best man, Strickland Propane.
(Patch tries to shift the blame after being found out by his fiancée)
- Patch Boomhauer: No, man! Don't-don't talk about, me! Talkin'...Hank! Dang ol' Hank loves hookers, man!
Reborn to be Wild [8.2][edit]
- Hank Hill: Can't you see you're not making Christianity better, you're just making rock and roll worse?
The Incredible Hank [8.4][edit]
- Dale Gribble: So it turns out I'm not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e. I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies.
- Hank Hill: Dale, that's asinine, and here's four reasons why. First, you're not gonna clone a super-warrior out of a guy who can't even win a thumb-wrestling match. Two, you've spent your life swearing that the robots will eliminate the clones by the year 2010, so which is it, robots or clones? Three, you've already said you sympathize with the invading Mongolians of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight them. And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.
Hank punches Dale in the arm.
- Peggy: Hank, there's something I have to tell you.
- Hank: You did what?!
(Kahn is watching the Hills through binoculars).
- Kahn: Minh! Come quick! Hank and Peggy having old-school red-neck domestic squabble on front lawn!
(Mihn runs in with binoculars).
- Hank: How could you, Peggy?
- Minh: Oh, I bet she burn the meat loaf!
- Hank: It caused what?
- Minh: Why he point at his crotch like that?
- Hank: 20% shrinkage?! You want me to put a patch on my what?!
- Kahn: OK, this going in a weird direction now.
That's What She Said [8.10][edit]
- Richard's vulgarity has gone too far; he has alienated the entire staff. Buck Strickland terminates Richard's employment at Strickland Propane
- One day later
- Sign: HELP WANTED
- Hank: Okay team, gather 'round. I'm going to tell you about the new improvements on the Vogner 2800 series. The first thing is that it will smoke your meat. And it's got a nice big rack for your buns.
- Enrique: Or wieners.
- Hank: Or wieners. Why not?
- Joe Jack: Feels good to say "wieners" again.
- Donna: And sausage.
Phish and Wild Life [8.12][edit]
(The park ranger wishes all of the hippies well as they finally leave the park in a big convoy).
- Park Ranger!: Good Riddance! Go to Hell! HEY, HUG THIS!
- Bobby Hill: I ate hippie gumbo!
Après Hank, le Deluge [8.15][edit]
During the middle of a flood, the town seeks shelter in the school gym.
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: Chaos already ruling. This like when city of Luang Prabang fall, and we snag sweet diplomatic license plates!
Stressed for Success [8.19][edit]
- Bill: Gee, Hank. How's it feel to be the father of a genius?
- Hank: Bobby's a good kid, but he's no genius. We have the report card to prove it. And since when is pop culture a considered "academic"?
- Dale: It's a very big deal, Hank. Nowadays, you can't be an accredited college without offering a major in commercial jingles, or the films of M. Night Shaylamalamon.
Bobby is studying all the multiple shows on the many Mega-Lo Mart TVs when he goes into a stress trip.
- Kelly Clarkson: I'm Kelly Clarkson. I won American Idol and my debut album went to #1. One song on the album, I wrote with Chistina Aguilera. She was on the Mickey Mouse Club with Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. (voice speeding up) Justin is a member of N*Sync. They sing on the soundtrack for the Grinch starring Jim Carry. (voice going even faster) Jim Carry was in a movie with Rene Zelwigger, who's worked with Cathrine Zeta-Jones, who's acted with John Cusack, who has a house in Malibu near Pamela Anderson, who dated Scott Baio, who was on Happy Days with Ron Howard, who directed Apollo 13 starring Tom Hanks, who's married to Rita Wilson, who was in... (voice is now inaudibly out of control)
Bobby, sick from the overload of all this, starts passing out.
Hank's Back (AKA The Unbearable Lightness of Being Hank) [8.20][edit]
Season 9 (2004-2005)[edit]
A Rover Runs Through It [9.1][edit]
- Hank Hill: Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!
- Little girl: (as she notices the cattle coming) Look, Mommy! Moo cow!
While staying in a time-share condominium in Mexico, Cotton comments on the quality of the bottled water in the room.
- Cotton Hill: They got the water what don't give you the hot poops!
- Bill Dauterive: (Bill's card has been denied) I've Got other Cards, Do you take Blockbuster
Yard She Blows [9.4][edit]
- Hank Hill: Why would anyone do drugs when they can just mow a lawn
Dale to the Chief [9.5][edit]
Bobby is mocking Hank when Hank is mistaken as female on his driver's license
- Bobby Hill: Now where did I put my pantyhose?
- Dale Gribble: I'm all jacked up on America right now! Anyone want to hear me recite the Constitution?
It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Neighbor Sings [9.15][edit]
- Dale: Bill! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing?! That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! Look at you! You're part of a twelve-headed jackass! This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the deaf and the blind! Guhbuh! Underwear! Money! Fat! Ngyuh... (Dale collapses)
Season 10 (2005-2006)[edit]
Bystand Me [10.2][edit]
- Hank: I still can't believe Bobby cheated on his paper route. I don't even know know how to punish that.
- Peggy: Well, the pressures of journalism can be very intense, even I have felt it. But today, I really knocked one out of the park.
- Hank: Well, good for you, what's the hint?
- Peggy: Okay, get this. I combined two common items in a powerful new way. I told my readers to harness the cleaning power of ammonia with the whitening power of bleach.
- Hank: Ammonia and bleach? You told people to mix ammonia and bleach?
- Peggy: Only if they want bathroom fixtures that shine like the sun.
- Hank: Peggy, that's the recipe for mustard gas. Arlen will be covered with a cloud of poison
- Peggy: BWAH!
Orange You Sad I Did Say Banana? [10.6][edit]
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: I will now tell stories of my childhood in Laos. Growing up in the village, I had two chickens. One of these was named "Phouma." I don't recall the name of the other chicken. Sometimes I would put both chickens in the wheelbarrow. This was very funny.
(Meeting a famous Laotian soldier named Nguc Phong)
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: Hey, Minh, this guy serious butt-kicker! Anyway, I sorry they kill all your friends.
- Nguc Phong: Yes, that was unhappy for me.
(Kahn gives Ted Wassanasong his parading clothes back) :Ted Wassanasong: I don't understand. How do you expect to parade around without your uniform?
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: Oh, my parading days are over. (Ted Wassanasong stares at him) It's like this, if you want someone to play golf with, give me call. If you want someone to feel guilty about the way they choose to live, call someone else!
Edu-macating Lucky [10.15][edit]
- Lucky: My father said he wouldn't get married until he became the Disputed Heavyweight Wrestling Champion of the World.
- Hank: Uhhhhh. Did your father ever become the Heavyweight wrestling Champion of the World?
- Lucky: No, neither he qualified for the weight. And my grandfather said he wouldn't get married until he spoke perfect French.
- Peggy: Oh, I don't think old grandpa ever got past saying "Bonjour".
- Lucky: Nope.
The Texas Panhandler [10.13][edit]
- Hank: Well I hate those pants more than life itself
- Joseph: Oh man, he's really got it going on. Wait, did I just sound like a chick?
Season 11 (2007)[edit]
Hank Gets Dusted [11.5][edit]
- Hank Hill: (After Dusty pour charcoal in his grill) I'm gonna punch you silly! [Next Clip] (Put a sign say "Born to Act" on his back) Gonna knock your teeth in, I tell you... [Next Clip] You got-dang... [Next Clip] (Dusty throw a Frisbee at him while Hank reading his newspaper) That tears it!
- Hank Hill: I'm gonna tear your beard off!
Grand Theft Arlen [11.8][edit]
Hank is playing a Grand Theft Auto style video game called "Pro-Pain!"
- Hank Hill: Oh, God, I just stabbed a parking attendant! Where's the button to turn myself in?
- Hank Character in Pro-Pain!: I tell you what!
- Hank Character in Pro-Pain!: Taste the meat and the heat!
Season 12 (2007-2008)[edit]
Bobby Rae [12.2][edit]
(Bobby and all of his classmates are marching down the street protesting).
- Old Man 1: Here they come to kill us. Oh well.
- Old Man 2: I liked it when we could just stick 'em in factories.
- Alejandro: We want a plane to Disney World. And 100 gallons of diesel fuel!
- Olivia: And we're not leaving until we get some Yuengling!
The Powder Puff Boys [12.3][edit]
Joseph is dressed as a Powder Puff cheerleader and is told to redress into his normal clothing.
- Joseph Gribble: But I'm so pretty!
Four Wave Intersection [12.4][edit]
- Hank: Hey Bobby. How was the surf today? Did Boomhauer do his famous flamingo? That's when he stands on one leg, that's not easy to do, even on the ground.
- Bobby: No, all he did was fall flat on his face and embarrass himself, and us by association, we didn't even get to ride the wave.
- Hank: Boomhauer was embarrassed? <sighs> I don't know what the heck's going on here but someone needs to get their asses kicked.
- Bobby: Finally. Yes. Thank you. It's time to kick their local asses!
- Hank: Bobby, language. But, yes. I am going to kick their asses.
Death Picks Cotton [12.5][edit]
- Cotton:(After kicking down a wall Hank just finshed making) "That was in my way!"
- Peggy: It's okay. I'm here, you can go now. Go, go into the light. The light is good. You can just let go now.
- Cotton: Mr. Reaper, I'd prefer that you put your hood back on.
- Peggy: Why won't you die?
- Cotton: This was supposed to happen to you. You're worthless. You're not even good enough to be married to my worthless nothing of a loser son!
- Peggy: Enough! Your son has always loved you despite your constant torture. You want to die alone? Fine. You want to keep coming back and never die? That's fine too. In fact, I hope you do go on living forever as the unhappy person you are in the hell you have created here on this earth. I hope you live forever. I really do.
- Cotton: Oh, do you, now? (cackles, then dies as his heart monitor goes off)
- Dale: (After blowing up the shack that Hank just built because Hank's father wanted it destroyed) "Yee-haw! That was for you colonel!" (runs off)
Strangeness on a Train [12.19][edit]
- Lucky: Lucky is on the case. That's usually what I say when I drink beer, but this time it refers to this mystery.
- Kahn: Lucky Kleinschmidt,it was you and Luanne wasn't it? You trying to get in as much hanky-panky as you can before she has her baby?
- Lucky: Not that there's anything wrong with your premise but no, it wasn't us.
- Luanne: We haven't done in public since Lucky almost fell off a Ferris wheel.
(Kahn trying to find out who had sex in a train lavatory)
- Bill: I don't have an alibi.
- Kahn: You're Bill Dauterive, that's your alibi.
- Lucky: You really enjoyed yourself this evening, didn't you Aunt Peggy?
- Peggy: (gasps) You know?
- Lucky: Good for you. Happy Birthday Aunt Peggy.
The Accidental Terrorist [12.13][edit]
- Dale Gribble: Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night. Didn't go so well, he's a cuddler, so I had to go pick him up.
After Dale tells Hank he saw him driving away from the explosion:
- Peggy Hill: (Whispers) Oh, Hank! You must cover your tracks! We'll have to kill Dale!
- Bobby Hill: Dad, I'm confused. So you should trust people until they betray you, and then try to blow them up?
Life: A Loser's Manual [12.22][edit]
- Luanne: Normal people buy things with credit cards.
- Lucky: Are you saying that Georgers are not normal people because they pay for things with cash?
[Hank is helping Lucky with his credit card application]
- Hank: Here under employer you put Costco, you never worked for Costco.
- Lucky: No, but Costco gave me the slip on pee-pee money for my settlement.
- Hank: Pee-pee money is not an employment history and look, you left your social security number blank here [points to blank spot on Lucky's application].
- Lucky: Oh, I don't have one of them social cards or a driver's license. My dad always said a man's wallet should only hold cash, razor blade and a lucky poker chip.
- Dale: Gentlemen, I'm sure you recall my long dreamt dream about building a guard tower in my yard.
- Hank: Dale, the zoning board has turned you down six times and the last refusal was with extreme prejudice.
- Dale: True, but for a structure under 40 feet no variance is needed. Soon you'll live under the protection of my 39 foot guard tower! The zoning board has no say.
- Hank: Dale, that is --[Dale cuts him off mid-sentence]...
- Dale: NO SAY!
- Hoyt: (giving Bobby a gift) Here's something for this kid of yours.
- Bobby: My name is Bobby, Uncle Hoyt.
- Peggy:[sings to the tune of "La Cucaracha"] La Peggy Hill cha, la Peggy Hill cha! Doin' dishes in the sink.
- Hank: Well, we're doing great on our list, Lucky. Later today we'll go see my guy about a will, you want to make sure the right people inherit your debts.
- Hoyt: I'll be back so quick you'll call me...Quickie McGee!
- Hoyt:I'm a lot better now, here I owe you. [takes out some cigarettes from the pack and hands them to Lucky] See, on the oil rig, these are like money.
- Lucky: Dad,were you in the state oil rig or in the federal?
- Hoyt: Smart man. [lays more cigarettes on the patio table] That means we're like family. Say I got 10 cigarettes and you pay me 10 more for watching your back. Now how many I got?
- Lucky: Twenty.
- Hoyt: No! Only 15 cause I gotta pay a tax to the guard.
- Lucky: Cigarette math is full of surprises.
- Kahn: Inspector, fine this redneck for reckless redneck-itude!
[after Hoyt lands his 3rd strike and will be serving a lifetime prison sentence]
- Luanne: I'm just sad that Daddy had to back to his oil rig again.[turns to Lucky] He would be so proud of you.
- Hank: Well, he sure would but they really need him on that oil rig. Otherwise they wouldn't have given him a life time contract.
- Peggy: Oil is very important to America.
- Luanne: Even more important than propane?
- Hank: Uh...yes Luanne. Oil is even more important...than propane.
Season 13 (2008-2010)[edit]
Dia-Bill-Ic Shock [13.01][edit]
- Hank: Dr. Weissman, my friend Bill would like to register a complaint.
- Dr. Weissman: Ohh, are you upset or something? I said you had diabetes, not cry-a-betes.
- Bill: You told me I was going to lose my legs!
- Dr. Weissman: No, I said your legs could fail one day, possibly. I-I never said anything that could constitute malpractice, other it's current definition.
- Bill: Hmm, my legs work just fine. Isn't that inspiring! (Bill closes the door and starts beating up Dr. Weissman)
- Hank: (to nurse) Uh, my friend is just, uh...
- Nurse: I don't hear a thing.
Earthy Girls are Easy [13.02][edit]
- Hank: About that science teacher of yours, does he ever talk about, uh, going green?
- Bobby: I don't know. Do you ever talk about propane? My point is, he talks about all the time.
Square-Footed Monster [13.03][edit]
- Ted Wassanasong: This was no act of God; look at those sledgehammer marks! It was the act of rednecks, on a drunken rampage.
- Dale: (After they rebuild neighbor's house) We should do this to Bill's house when he dies.
- Bill: What a nice lady. We used to talk about puppies and serial killers through the fence.
Lucky See, Monkey Do [13.08][edit]
- Lucky: I've seen a lot of nature documentaries and I find that most of life's questions can be answered with another question: what would a monkey do?
- Hank Hill: Aw, you're (his new grand-niece) a cute one, I tell you what.
What Happens at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis Stays at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis [13.09][edit]
- [Buck hears Ray Roy and a girl in another room]
- Buck Strickland: Gotdog! Ray Roy! Now, I hope you got two girls in there! [Buck runs into the room and finds Ray Roy in bed with Ms. Scovall]
- Buck Strickland: What the... ?! I told you to stand in line! You didn't stand in line, boy.
- Ray Roy: Hell, Daddy, that line was moving too slow. I just had to do cutsies.
- Buck Strickland: Cut... Why you son of a... [Buck jumps on the bed and he and Ray Roy start fighting]
- Hank: [overhears them in the hall] Oh No.
- Ms. Scovall: [She's cheering on Buck and Ray Roy as they're fighting] Yeah. Yeah. Woo hoo.
- Ray Roy: [Buck is choking Ray Roy] Ow. [Ray Roy then throws him to the ground]
- Hank: [Hank walks into the room. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!
- Buck Strickland: Oh, Hank, we were just letting off a little steam.
- Hank: I have tried with all my might to save you from yourself, Mr. Strickland. Well, not anymore. You're on your own. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And that includes you, Ms. Scovall. You have not honored propane.
- Ms. Scovall: He's right. I should be ashamed of myself. But I never am.
- [Looking for a party]
- Buck Strickland: Son, what's the bad part of Memphis called?
- Jody "Ray Roy" Strickland: Memphis!
- Emcee: We're here to honor one of the giants of Texas propane, Mr. Buck Strickland. To introduce Mr. Strickland, his right-hand man, Hank Hill.
- Hank: (Hank walks onto the stage drunk and knocks down the emcee) I'm not gonna say... Hell, I am gonna say what I have been wanting to say. Buck Strickland is a monster, a drunk monster. Buck Strickland is nothing but a lecherous, disgusting bastard-making bastard. (slurred gibberish) And now, I'm going to vomit. (he vomits on a guest's head)
- Buck has set up a "hospitality suite", consisting of liquor and hookers for the men of the Propane Gas Consortium
- Pollard Wigand: I am in my third term as President of the Propane Gas Consortium. Prostitute giggles
- Lobby. Peggy is with the wives of the Consortium
- Peggy: All propane men make mistakes sometimes, including your husbands.
- Peggy takes elevator towards Buck's hospitality suite
- Buck's room. Consortium is with hookers
- Buck: Well, now that everyone's got a pretty girl on his lap, I would like to discuss leniency for my employee, Hank Hill.
- Pollard Wigand: Setup!
- Buck: Ray Roy, lock the door.
- Jody secures door, hookers wrestle men to ground as Buck snaps a photo
- Buck: Now, you are all reasonable men. I think surely you can find forgiveness in your heart for old Hank, and it would be good to do it before your wives get here.
- Peggy is in hallway with wives, approaching Buck's suite
- Pollard Wigand: You win, Buck.
- Buck gives signal to his son, who uses cellphone
- Peggy {on cell phone}: Y'ello?
- Jody Strickland: Get their hair done.
- Peggy and the wives of the Texas Propane Gas Commissioners walks past Buck's suite
Master of Puppets [13.10][edit]
- Dale: (Imitating Survivorman) There is no greater survival skill that the ability to start a fire without matches. Fortunately Arlen is rich in natural propane tank deposits.
Dale opens the propane nozzle. He tries to get his lighter to work. The tank explodes.
Kahn: Hey Hank Hill, I knew rednecks abandon cars and refrigerators, guess we can throw kids on the list too! Hahahaha!
Uncool Customer [13.12][edit]
- Bobby: Not one of [these girls] has seen my "Flatulent Monkey Visits the Post Office" routine!
Peggy has asked for a cassette tape at a CD store. A man walks up to the clerk who is assisting Peggy.
- Man: Hey, do you have that song that goes, "Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna?"
- Clerk: (To Peggy) I gotta... yeah.
Nancy Does Dallas [13.13][edit]
- [Nancy and her new coworkers are drinking inside of their news helicopter.]
- Nancy: Vodka, this is chopper one. Traffic is clear from my mouth to my stomach.
- Gwen St. James: Hey, give me the keys, Nancy. I want to go buzz my ex-husband's girlfriend's condo. (laughs)
- Wade Bixby: [shouting out the window] I'm... Wade... Bixby!
Serves Me Right For Giving General George S. Patton The Bathroom Key [13.15][edit]
- [Dale and Bill are wrestling over a beer can.]
- Kahn Souphinousaphone: Chain-smoking anorexic vs. that heart attack waiting to happen! Who will die first? Let's watch!
- Cotton Hill: (In a letter) "Hank, if you're readin' this it means Fatty's dead. So I have to leave this task to the one most likely to screw it up: You."
Manger Baby Einstein [13.17][edit]
- Lucky: They keep restricting what barbers can do. My guy says he can no longer preform dentistry.
- Dale: Children see the world through innocent eyes. My book will change that.
- [Dale and Luanne both bickered until Hank breaks up the fight.]
- Hank: You guys are acting like idiots.
- Hank: (To Luanne): You shouldn't have cheated on Dale's ideas
- Hank: (To Dale): You shouldn't have destroyed Luanne's dolls.
- Hank: We should not have a memorial service.
- Luanne: I could have listened to you Uncle Hank; but instead I chose to succeed in DVD's and in life.
To Sirloin with Love [13.20][edit]
- [The series' last lines]
- Bobby: Well, Dad, it looks like this is the last one.
- Hank: Oh, you're just getting started, Bobby. You'll be grilling your whole life.
- Bobby: Just like you.
- Hank: Yep.
- Bobby: Yep.