text:
(And don't ask why it specifically states "New York" ... don't know, don't care)
A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment, Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment, nodded back, affirming this too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to H-E-double hockey sticks."
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, and found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... He is in the upper
bunk and she is in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to
reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have
a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're
married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. 'Get your
own freakin' blanket.'
Three Old Ladies at the ball Game.
This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ballpark.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.......
A lawyer and a Pope die at the same time and go up to heaven together. After they've been there awhile, the Pope notices that the lawyer gets a little better treatment than he does. So he calls St. Peter over to ask him why.
He says, "You know that lawyer I came up here with? Well, I'm not complaining, but he seems to be treated a little better than I am... he's got a better house and more servants. I don't understand. I was a Pope and served God all my life; this guy was just a lawyer. What gives?"
St. Peter responded, "You have to understand - we get Popes all the time; this is the first lawyer we've ever had."
A doctor, a priest, and a lawyer are adrift on a raft in the south Pacific. They`re just about out of water, food, and hope, when they spot a small island. Only problem is, between the raft and the island is a large hungry school of tiger sharks.
The doctor insists, "I`ll swim for the island and bring back coconuts and maybe even help. If the sharks attack me, with my medical knowledge I`ll be able to tend to my wounds."
The priest says, "No, no my son, I shall swim for the island. I will pray as soon as I hit the water and with my connections I`m sure to make it."
While the doctor and priest are arguing over who is to go, the lawyer dives into the water and swims toward the island. Miraculously, the sharks move away and clear a path for the attorney.
A little while later, the barrister retruns to the raft with a lovely bunch of coconuts. And again the sharks clear a path for him.
He finally gets to the raft and the bewildered doctor and priest ask him what was the source of this miracle, and he replied, "Professional courtesy, of course!"
Why Men Aren't Advice Columnists
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Dear Sheila:
I am surprised your husband wasn't more understanding and knowledgeable.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Cesare wrote:Why Men Aren't Advice Columnists
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Dear Sheila:
I am surprised your husband wasn't more understanding and knowledgeable.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
A man had been drinking for several hours in his neighborhood bar when the bartender started to close up. The drunken man got off his stool and fell to the floor. He pulled himself up on the stool, took one step toward the door and fell again. "Oh, hell. I'll crawl then," he said. He crawled to the door, pulled himself up by the doorknob, worked his way outside and fell again when he let go. He decided to crawl around the corner to his home. He pulled himself up to let himself in, managed to close the door, but fell again when he stepped toward the couch. After crawling to the couch he pulled himself up on it and went to sleep. An hour later his wife turned on the lights and woke him up.
"You've been drinking again, haven't you?" she said angrily.
"No, honey. I was out with the guys late and did not want to wake you..."
"Right," she said. "The bar just called to let me know you forgot your wheelchair."
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our orbs into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, Honey this looks like yours!' "
"I don't remember much after that."
MarkDaSpark wrote:Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."
ha ha, now that's some funny Manos, the Hands of Fate right there
Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years
(actually, ever since that other company donated a big
chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the
mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Miller
Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I
switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for
nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of
MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect
certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that
whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready
to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime
around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors,
so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer
gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat
resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve
judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to
appreciate the new label. That was until about May of
this year.
That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really
didn't like the new design. Further investigation of
the cause of my distress resulted in the following
1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus,
the container may be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of
the surface of the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through
the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the
can (the beer).
6. Warm beer vacuums.
This is a process that can be observed in just about
any beer. However, this process is significantly
accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can
. . . black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed
the new graphic for the can and implemented the change
right before summer? Granted, this process may not be
real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in
Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot,
this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling
what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put
up with. Knowing that you would probably not address
this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem,
I and several other subjects conducted extensive
experimentation. The results of these experiments are
listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the
deck next to my pool. The study included seven
different types of beer (leftovers from a party the
previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38
(and then left exposed to sunlight for different
lengths of time). These beers were sampled by the
test subjects at different intervals.
The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at
each sampling interval their impressions of the
different beers. The length of time between the
initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the
subject determined the sample undrinkable (the
Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient
temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1
It was evident that the color of the can directly
correlates to the average suck point, except for Coors
which was pretty much determined to suck at any
point. It is to be hoped that you will consider
re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that
are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade
will thank you.
Bradley Lee Beer-drinker
Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the
MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of
the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer
drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken
your letter and subsequent experiment under serious
consideration. Outlined below are our findings and
solution to your problem. May we add that we have had
similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly
from the Southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our
analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors.
It certainly does suck at about any temperature. Now,
it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to
create better brand identity and brand loyalty.
Someone in marketing did some kind of research and
determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be
pleased to know, we have fired that WAFFLES! TASTY WAFFLES! and he is
now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer
manufacturer. The design staff working in cahoots
with the marketing WAFFLES! TASTY WAFFLES! was also down-sized.
However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it
would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took
some other actions. From our market research, we
found a difference between Northern beer drinker and
Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South
tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North.
We are still researching why that is.
Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to
have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one
of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine,
smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of
sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.
However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller
Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we
suggest in the future you try consuming at least two
in that time frame.
From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to
come up with a solution that would help not just MGD
but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have
recently noticed our solution to your problem. We
found that the hole in the top of the can was not big
enough for quick consumption. So, we have now
introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this
will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest
that if you want to get the beer out of the can even
faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the
bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it
to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole.
This is a common way to drink beer at parties and
impress your friends. This technique is known as
"shot-gunning". You should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our
attention that there might be other beer drinkers
taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let
me assure you that I am having our advertising
department work on campaign to solve this problem,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.
bkarney wrote:Bit long....but well worth the read. I can never read it all the way through without crying laughing - enjoy!
Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy carp, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
I have read this and forward it untold times lately and I'm still crying with laughter every time I read it.
Thanks BK
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we
drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of Manos, the Hands of Fate. (Makes more sense if you know what the Woot filter filtered out)
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I 'm doing it as a public service. (Don't really know if Ben said this, as I'm not that old to have know him)
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman
came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said,
'Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth
& Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . '
'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins EVERY time?'
The woman answered, ' Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin.'
themostrighteous wrote:except that you started his response with "No,..." but, seriously, precision is overrated. especially if you are a liar to begin with. which you have summarily established. :P
EDIT: not to mention the fact that you seem to be suggesting that 'i don't think' & 'i think not' are not equivalent. the latter phrasing can have both the meaning that you might be ascribing to it (ie 'i disagree') and the meaning required of Descartes famous pronouncement (ie 'i am not a thinking being'). the latter meaning is admittedly less common today but, then again, so is any mention of Descartes. and so i repeat: :P
Well really the Descartes joke should be in French if you want it closer to his quote. ;)
bkarney wrote:OK, how bout this one: If you can't spell it.....
If only he had lived closer to the street sign so he could have just read it off the sign.
An Architect, an Artist and an Engineer are discussing whether it's better to have a wife or a mistress. The Architect says "A wife - marriage gives you the solid foundation that a relationship needs". The Artist says "A mistress - the relationship is full of passion and romance". The Engineer says "Both. That way the wife thinks you're with the mistress, the mistress thinks you're with the wife and you can go back to the lab and get some work done".
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,"
explained the lady.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled."
My husband quietly said
'That's once.'
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said,
'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said
'That's once.'"
Psychopath Test:
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, you'll fit in just fine here.
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mo ther Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and
true, right along the line I wanted.. and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirr el and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the frakking putt, didn't you?"
....Replaced with an actual joke!
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
bkarney wrote:BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR...... Loweeel...you out there!?
Charlotte , North Carolina :
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars
in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The
judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what
is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
JOATMON wrote:False
ha, go figure!
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"
He looks at her and says angrily. "Fix the light? Now? Helloooo.... does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice, well-built, young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "so, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
Choice of Ceremony
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
What's the difference between frustration and utter frustration?
Frustration is the first time you can't do the second time.
Utter frustration is the second time you can't do the first time.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have the money.
The third floor has wives that love sex and have the money and like beer.
The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
JOATMON wrote:As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."
The version of this that I know is between Hillary and Bill. Every time he cheats on her he puts a can in the box. On second thought, I guess your version is a bit more PC
A professor at a University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ratholes is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in
mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling
about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing
left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be
friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be
a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed
to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to
the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
The problem with the war of the sexes is that there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
JOATMON wrote:The problem with the war of the sexes is that there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Or not enough ......
Before JOATMON calls me out again, I HIGHLY doubt this is a true story, just a funny one. *Disclaimer Over*
Only a person in Texas could think of this.
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."


text:
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Rio de Janeiro - The brazilian lottery will pay R$ 170,000,000 ($92,000,000) in the New Year's Eve. At 8:00 in the evening on 31th December, six numbers will be raffled, and one or more lucky people will become millionaires!
Millions of brazilians bet in this lottery. In the reveillon, eyes, ears and hearts will be anxious to know who is the fortunates.
wrote... on 2/9/2012 10:29:58 PM
Well, I am wondering if the lottery prize will surely implemented? Or just add it up to next lottery?
David Ayrolla
wrote... on 2/10/2012 12:31:30 PM
Ivy, the prize was implemented. But, on every next New Year's Eve, the lottery will make new millionaires.
However, unfortunatel,y I did not win... :-)
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:10:44 PM
When I switch on the telly there is hardly a day without any information about the economic crisis in Europe. Starting in Greece and spreading to Spain, Italy and other European countries, people in Germany feel uneasy and are worried if the politicians are able to sort things out. Greece may be a country far away from Germany, but I think it has become quite clear that all European countries or western industrialized countries are so closely linked in terms of their economies that the downfall of one country can make the whole European monetary union break apart. Despite chancellor Merkel's desperate soothing attempts - Germany needs Europe and Europe needs Germany and if we pull together we will surely find a solution - the people in Germany seem to have lost their faith in politicians and their promises. Fact is that nobody knows how things will turn out, fact is that nobody knows if Greece will be able to pay back all its debts and fact is that nobody knows what will happen if countries like Germany or France are downgraded by rating agencies. Especially people who have saved money their whole life to make a living after having retired are worried. They are concerned because they don't know if money itself will lose its worth. Some people are really fond of investing their money in gold or real estate. I don't know how thing will develop. But I know one thing for sure. We've taken anything for granted for a very very long time, and the time will finally come when the people have to go back to basics and have to go without some luxuries. We - that means not only average people, but primarily states and banks - have lived beyond our means and the time will come when the entire system will collapse. You can't finance an average household, an average company or an average state by making more and more debts...
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:10:45 PM
Im from Costa Rica but... It's very sad what those people are going throuht LIBYA: Is NATO killing those it's supposed to protect? Russian foreign minister argues that due to foreign intervention, civilians are dying on both sides of the conflict..
"Libya has been bombed for more than three months now, and we see no end of this process,"
wrote... on 8/22/2011 1:58:03 AM
the people need freedom and peace.indeed. In my opinion it is not a good idea to copy other countries blindfold.just like Tunisia. did they overthrow the government completely?have they got the freedom?no,not at all.
wrote... on 8/25/2011 5:19:09 AM
NATO don't want protect anybody.European only think to oil.Gaddafi didn't accept European company and prefer china and Russia so NATO has come with force for keeping out Russia,china and Brazil from oil companies in lybia and give them to European company instead of them.
wrote... on 1/7/2012 12:00:48 PM
"didn't accept European company and prefer china and Russia"
hm, really, did he prefer China and Russia? What does it mean?
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:10:47 PM
June 7 is a tradition holiday in China,so as usual we have three days vacation:today,tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.I planned to go outing but unfortunately the weather is bad.It's raining all day.I have to stay at home today.I hope it will be a fine day tomorrow.
wrote... on 6/4/2011 11:35:37 AM
hope good weather to u.happy holiday
wrote... on 6/11/2011 6:06:55 PM
This ver good for your country becase very population in china.You are need more rain everytime.Aren't you ?
Jenny luo
wrote... on 6/12/2011 4:06:00 AM
to rrroo rrraaa:Thank you!

 to human01:Thanks for you reply.I admit that my country is poluted,but I don't think more rain can figure the problem out,some more measures are needed.
wrote... on 11/4/2011 6:55:58 AM
hello,jenny,nice to meet you on the line
Jenny luo
wrote... on 11/4/2011 8:41:17 AM
to congyan: nice to meet you too...
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:10:48 PM
In Europe particulary in France since several years there had a high increasing of oil. It would seem than forecast from specialists are more and more confused and even all the governments and scientists don't know what is the real ressources.
Recently I heard from Jean-Marc Jancovici if in West we haven't the possibility to use electricity over a few months. They claim it will have millions victims during this period. As you know we depend from fossil energies mostly these one are used by countries developped.
I'd like to know if political parties in your country have already debated on it and if people seems concerned.
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:10:49 PM
This is all arguable / debatable, of course. But this list is drafted by geniuses, so here are the top 10 smartest people of 2010 according to the MacArthur fellows. For the full list, head over to 'The Daily Beast'.
#1 Jon Stewart
TV journalist Jon Stewart pushed policy and criticized politicians with his Daily Show.
#2 Bill and Melinda Gates
Microsoft founder and his wife focused their energies getting other billionaires to pledge their wealth to charity.
#3 Steve Jobs
For finally overtaking rival Microsoft in market capitalization with the iPad and iPhone.
#4 Mark Zuckerberg
The founder of massive social network Facebook, Zuckerberg changed the way people communicate forever.
#5 J.Craig Venter
What is life made up of? Venter and his research institute created the first living organism with a synthetic genome, at a cost of $40 million and 15 years, and unveiled it to the public this past summer.
#6 Julian Assange
The controversial Australian created the most successful mechanism for enhancing transparency.
#7 Perry Chen, Yancey Strickler, Charles Adler
The three made it to the list for revolutionizing how smaller projects get funded.
#8 Felisa Wolfe-Simon
Wolfe-Simon changed what we know about the building blocks of life when she discovered a new bacterium in California that hints at the possibility that life is more flexible than originally thought and that the possibility of extraterrestrial life is now... even more possible.
#9 Michelle Rhee
Oprah Winfrey calls her the 'warrior woman' of education. Rhee pushed education reforms aggressively to force politicians to take education seriously.
#10 Aaron Sorkin
The playwright and screenwriter, who has penned memorable movie lines, one of TV's best shows The West Wing, and the movie Social Network, is responsible for the smartest and swiftest dialogue in TV and film.
wrote... on 12/31/2010 2:52:23 AM
Hello Lily ! Lot of Thanks for ur Excellent Datas Collections, I hope ur Imformations may Increasing - Expanding Knowledge Who are Having Innovative Efforts, i would like to say Thanks again, Thanks alot Lily
wrote... on 1/4/2011 12:38:54 AM
you're welcome haja!
wrote... on 1/6/2011 8:12:52 PM
hello thats cool and nice
wrote... on 1/6/2011 8:14:00 PM
hello thats cool and nice
wrote... on 1/9/2011 5:13:14 PM
What a list
2 women and 8 men
Nevermind it's ok
;)
wrote... on 1/20/2011 11:33:06 PM
nevermind - it might interest you that amongst the people who made this list, two fields that are usually male dominated are represented by females :) The computer security specialist is a female and so is the quantum physicist.

http://www.macfound.org/site/c.lkLXJ8MQKrH/b.6239749/k.1427/Meet_the_2010_Fellows.htm
wrote... on 4/20/2011 6:15:53 AM
so interesting thanks
Jenny luo
wrote... on 6/12/2011 4:20:28 AM
I like Steve Jobs...
wrote... on 9/28/2011 3:41:51 AM
Everyone in the planet loves Steve Jobs, even Bill Gates and Larry Page.
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:10:52 PM
wrote... on 8/4/2010 10:26:02 PM
Oh dear. I hope she gets help soon.
wrote... on 1/6/2011 8:21:56 PM
this is really wierd
wrote... on 3/3/2011 9:41:40 AM
is that true? how can such a delicate body bear such a huge breast ?? oh ,my..
wrote... on 3/27/2011 10:30:30 PM
it is so terrible, hope she get help soon.
Paul Yarrow, a 42 year old man from South London seems to know where the TV cameras will be all the time and the TV networks are annoyed.
'Paul Yarrow — star of BBC1, ITV, Channel 4, Sky News and even the Qatar-based Al Jazeera network — has appeared on television more than 100 times this year. The only problem is that the BBC, ITV, Channel 4, Sky News and Al Jazeera don't want him to be there.
What they want is for their TV reporters to be left in peace. What they don't want is Yarrow — a balding, fat man who often wears a wrinkled white sweater — popping up behind their star correspondents, distracting viewers from the Very Important News that they are trying to deliver.'
source: dailymail
wrote... on 8/4/2010 8:59:23 AM
Haha.. It's so funny.
Does he chase these brodcast staff all the time?
I think he will set the world record of Guinness someday,
as the person who has appered the most time on the news.
wrote... on 8/4/2010 10:23:53 PM
Hehe. It must be annoying for them but it's really funny to me.
wrote... on 10/19/2010 5:05:19 PM
It's nothing!!!

 Gabriele Paolini the Italian disturber is really anywhere on TV:

he regulatly sabotages journalistband presenters links on TV in Italy.
The record for the most TV link hijacked is 30.000 as of 1° March 2010.
 You can see www.gabrielepaolini.com
wrote... on 10/22/2010 4:10:03 AM
i think he is a worker of the TV
wrote... on 10/27/2010 2:56:03 AM
Haha. Who is Gabriele Paolini? Is he an attention seeker? How does he get on tv? Sorry, I don't read italian! Please tell us more, sgarrozzo!
wrote... on 11/7/2010 7:36:37 AM
It seems it is true. I love him and he really bring us something funny.
wrote... on 1/9/2011 5:23:23 AM
nice guy. good reason for looking bad news
Jenny luo
wrote... on 6/4/2011 9:19:55 AM
wrote... on 10/23/2011 11:59:52 AM
hahha it is great funny !
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:10:53 PM
Julia Morley takes Miss World to Erdos, the land of Genghis Khan
Erdos, a small industrial town in Inner Mongolia, is today best known for its mineral resources and cashmere, but it may soon become connected with something very different.
Announcing the 60th Miss World contest in Sanya, Hainan province, this October, Julia Morley, chairperson of the beauty contest, said the competition would like to cooperate with more Chinese cities in future, and the next stop is Erdos.... Read more.
Miss World organizer Julia Morley [left]
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:10:56 PM
Yang said it was nothing to be ashamed of, adding that he would do it again if necessary.
wrote... on 7/19/2010 10:15:37 PM
What a trooper. Good on him.
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:10:58 PM
Yannick Angel breaks 18- year France record for the 400 m freestyle at 3:46:26..., so like that he preserve his title of this distance.
Keep up the good work
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:11:00 PM
for first time in the history,the Spanish team of the foot-ball won the world cup by beating the Holland team chased by hard luck.genrally, it was a good match.
wrote... on 7/16/2010 4:21:59 AM
wrote... on 7/16/2010 6:34:38 AM
yes it was a good match, the spanish team was strong from the begining.
wrote... on 7/17/2010 9:48:02 AM
Really the match between Spanish team & Holland team was an excellent one all the time , and thew Spanish team won the fifa world cup because the team had an aptitude for winning it , and I think that the sensation of most world people was with Spanish team ; so I was also .
wrote... on 1/9/2011 9:36:10 AM
ı think so
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:11:02 PM
A Chinese boy was born with a double face, making it look like he is wearing a mask.
wrote... on 7/6/2010 12:14:22 AM
god bless the baby....
wrote... on 7/21/2010 12:20:03 AM
Poor baby! I hope it works out...
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:11:04 PM
Google has decided to pull out of China and as of today, all traffic to google.cn and google.com (if you're in China) will be redirected to google.com.hk - where search results are unfiltered.
What does this mean for Android, Opensocial, Gmail and other Google services? Can Renren still benefit from running on Opensocial? Will Gmail be blocked? What will happen to Google partnerships with local companies? Will Android make it in China? Will China make clones of google services?
I'd like to hear from our Chinese friends in the community!! Write in Chinese if that works better for you!
wrote... on 3/23/2010 12:35:18 AM
Yeah,when I open the google seach,it is redirected to google.com.hk,and said"welcome to the new home in China"...after YOUTUBE is forbiddened,later facebook,now google chooses to leave..whats the matter?I know it is for some protections,our country has very large population,if not protected in a right way,will induce some social problems..why not both sides stand in each other's shoes to think about it?anyway it is still a little hard for me to accept this,will definitely bring many unconvinence to some people in our country.
wrote... on 3/23/2010 10:22:26 PM
I couldn't get into google.com.hk this morning.
wrote... on 7/18/2010 9:42:32 AM
big country vs big company
wrote... on 1/9/2011 5:35:34 AM
big problems 'cause of many requests. Sometimes it's similar to hack-attack (:
the second reason is spam. The second place in the world both with Russia (The First is USA)

maybe cloud computing will help...
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:11:06 PM
If you haven't heard, there's been a huge change in the health care system in the US. You can read about what this means for Americans here.
What are your thoughts? Do you pay anything at all in your country to see a doctor? Do you have insurance? Have you heard of friends who've tried to use their insurance only to be rejected?
wrote... on 10/12/2010 10:36:27 AM
i heard it; i read also that people doesn'y want it because they think will pay more tax to finance the budget
Alexander Zapryagaev
wrote... on 6/20/2016 4:11:08 PM
The winner of Miss Singapore World has been blasted for her lack of eloquence and tack. On 25 September, 2009, it was revealed that she had been convicted of credit card fraud in May, 2009, and was sentenced to two years' probation. She faced five charges of misappropriation, cheating using illegally obtained credit cards, and impersonating their users' identities prior to winning the title of Miss Singapore World 2009. After initially resisting calls to give up her crown, Ris Low voluntarily stepped down on 29 September, 2009.
After more than a week without a successor to fallen beauty queen Ris Low, pageant organiser ERM World Marketing has chosen second-runner up Ms Pilar Carmelita Arlando as the new Miss Singapore World 2009.
In a press release on Friday, ERM said it chose Ms Arlando, 20, over first runner-up Claire Lee because the latter had suffered an injury that did not allow her to stand for hours.
The decision came after weeks of controversy after Ms Low, 19, stepped down following a revelation she had been convicted of credit card fraud.
Ms Arlando, a hospitality diploma student, will represent Singapore at the Miss World finals in South Africa in December.
sources: todayonline and wikipedia
The latest news from Brazil are the Olympic Games.
Many people liked, but are concerned about the money that is spent with all the preparation. Brazil is a country that needs many other things, as health, safety and education. Many politicians are corrupt and can benefit from the games.
wrote... on 10/12/2009 9:22:43 PM
Grats Brazil!
wrote... on 12/17/2009 3:17:58 PM
oh god ! I don't think he's O.K

:(
wrote... on 1/9/2011 5:29:31 AM
guy is my hero. Go get them, Kick-Ass!
Hello everyone , i write about that topic not just for arabs or muslims .i talk about it to all people all over the world who have humanity , mercy and conscience and i amn't talking about palestine only but about any people and any country all over the world who suffer from this criminals and their lands are raped . i want to everyone who see that vedios,imagine yourself as you are one of them.i don't want to make anyone angry or bothered but it is our duty and little thing to feel of them as they are our families in humanity and they must live in prosperity like anyone and under the title of the human rights. those songs are about palestine and i hope u to see them.thanks.
but finally i want to say no one of them (i mean we )will defeat as they have the power ,the will , the feeling of affiliation and strong faith and doctrine which no one of any enemy has or has the ability of overcoming them
S!leNt ÃnGéL
wrote... on 9/26/2009 6:45:17 PM
Of course we all must condemn,refuse,and denounce all these savage,and brutal deeds.but always remember that Allah's promise of victory will never be achieved until we become one cohesive body and not to forget the wholy Hadith"muslims are like one body of a person,if the eye is sore, the whole body aches and if the head aches the whole body aches ".
White Horse
wrote... on 9/26/2009 7:26:54 PM
yes sure sunnysky .y are absolutely right. thanks.
wrote... on 9/26/2009 8:39:11 PM
yes u r all right but i want to ask how can we help them only pray i think it is negative way i cant say we should go palestine and fight but i think we have another way to help them .
Maha sror
wrote... on 9/26/2009 8:39:44 PM
i am soooooooo gald cuz ur topic is so true we must take step and must be one hand
i hope peace 4 all countries

thx sweety ur topic isssssssssss fantastic i want more and more from you
thxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
White Horse
wrote... on 9/27/2009 4:34:51 PM

thanks bombo and mehoo so much .there are three ways we must we do to help them .it isn't fighting as it is difficult now but i heard from religion men that 1-prayto them to islam 2- county the products of the enemy as from the money they get from us their income increases then they buy the weapons which kill our families 3- it is the important one as we should close to Allah more and more because this events happened because of us (muslims and arabs) .i think these three things are simple but we must have will ,resolve and strong faith.if we (arabs)unite and know our duties we will be the best in shaa Allah.thanks if there is any ways to help our families just telling us .ok .thanks
Amato Allah
wrote... on 9/27/2009 5:09:31 PM
you are right my dear really we must do these three things . Allah bless you
wrote... on 9/27/2009 6:38:38 PM
thanks white horse . u r right these r the best ways to resist this enemy and we should do it .
wrote... on 9/28/2009 6:51:56 PM
hi your topic is fantastic and i think that it's our duty to show to the world th truth of our brothers and how much they suffer
wrote... on 10/28/2009 3:56:57 AM
not only ur topic was very heart touching but also ur 3 suggestions were even good enough...... we all are MUSLIMS ALHMDULILAH......sooner or later were gonna defeat are enemies INSHALLAH bcz are enemies really just cant imagine who we are? are invoking power is enough for their doom thats why we are still alive,fighting and are not accepting are defeat..and will never even do so INSHALLAH..... the day here after is not far..and so such downfall of MUSLIMS and the worlds peace itself is the part of it....so we have to get through it..all we have to do is to trust only THE LORD OF THE WORLDS....and be honest to all the people...
White Horse
wrote... on 10/28/2009 11:46:51 AM
Thanks NH , i absolutely agree with you. Allah guides you .
wrote... on 2/14/2010 2:47:17 PM
Good job " white horse " .. the three suggestions are completely right ..only the sympathies and tears under the effect of these violent actions shows aren't enough .. we must do anything even it was small .. at least in front of "Allah" we considered did any thing not only emotional impression ..

Eg.Muslim
White Horse
wrote... on 2/14/2010 3:12:16 PM
thank u so much Eg. Muslim. u are so right and we should do positive things not just see and reject these crimes by saying ,we have to do something. Allah with our families in all over the world and with us .Ameen.
wrote... on 2/15/2010 11:59:50 AM
Ameeeeeen , white .. May "Allah" Bless u ..

Eg.Muslim
NASA says astronomy is forever changed, thanks to new state-of-the-art equipment aboard the Hubble Space Telescope.
The space agency unveiled detailed new images of galaxies far and near on September 9. It said the major upgrade to the telescope in May was a complete success.
This image of what appear to be butterfly wings were taken by the upgraded Hubble Telescope.
The areas that resemble wings are actually folds of gas reaching temperatures of more than 19,000 degrees Celsius. The gases are released by a dying star that was once five times the mass of the Earth's sun.
The Hubble Telescope's new and repaired cameras captured several images.
The telescope was upgraded by astronauts during a billion-dollar mission in May.
NASA Administrator Charles Bolden is a former astronaut who piloted the space shuttle that put Hubble in orbit 19 years ago.
"After almost 20 years of service, our view of the universe, and our place within it, will never be the same," Bolden said.
Pictures of galaxies and nebulas (clouds of gas and dust) are sharper than photos taken by Hubble before the upgrade.
"This is nature's telescope," scientist Dave Leckrone explains. "This is taking the power of Hubble and enhancing it tremendously with gravitational lensing so that we can actually study detailed structures and galaxies, that are incredibly far away."
Leckrone said since the repairs, there have not been any technical problems with Hubble. The first photos from the repaired telescope came in July, when it took pictures of Jupiter after an asteroid or comet struck the planet.
Research scientist Heidi Hammel called the improvements a major step for space research.
"With this new beginning for Hubble, we can now see more clearly, and understand more deeply the processes that create, and shape and drive change within our universe," she says.
NASA says the new instruments can complete observations in a fraction of the time that was needed with earlier generations of Hubble equipment.

subset: commoncrawl


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Fantasy Baseball Morning Update: Halladay on the horizon
Hey, it's time to argue about All-Star snubs! Because in the history of baseball, only 2,079 "deserving" players have been left off All-Star teams! How in the world did Johnny Cueto not get picked? Why is Pablo Sandoval starting over David Wright? ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!
(Oops - my editors just reminded me that we have a lot invested in the MLB All-Star Game. Ignore the paragraph above, argue as much as you want, and watch the festivities LIVE NEXT TUESDAY NIGHT ON FOX!)
Jake Arrieta got knocked around on Friday, Luke Hochevar wasn't very good on Saturday, and Francisco Liriano reverted to bad form on Sunday. Thanks to that horrible weekend, our streaming starter record is down to 50-38 on the season. Tonight's pick is Trevor Cahill (owned in 35.8 percent of FOXSports.com leagues) against the Padres, while Tuesday's selection is Jon Niese (33.8 percent owned) against the Phillies.
On to the news:
- The Phillies are saying that SP Roy Halladay could come off the DL shortly after the All-Star break, possibly without even going on a rehab assignment. Stay tuned.
- Red Sox 3B Will Middlebrooks tweaked a hamstring on Sunday, and his prognosis for tonight is TBD.
- In other Red Sox news, the rehab assignments for outfielders Jacoby Ellsbury and Carl Crawford seem to be going well. It's possible that one or both could be activated coming out of the All-Star break.
- Reds 1B Joey Votto is day-to-day with a knee injury. The issue apparently isn't serious, but it caused Votto to leave Saturday's game early, and take Sunday off.
- Indians 3B Lonnie Chisenhall will miss 10-12 weeks after breaking his forearm over the weekend. The Tribe will probably use a Jack Hannahan/Jose Lopez platoon, and both can be considered in AL-only leagues if still available.
- AL-only owners should be happy with the Orioles' acquisition of Jim Thome. The O's will have a bit of a glut at the corner and DH slots when Nick Markakis comes off the DL, but if Thome hits homers - which he always does - he should play quite a bit.
- Speaking of the Orioles, they sent crummy disappointing lefty Brian Matusz to Triple A. Remember when he was going to be a stud?
- The Dodgers might keep OF Andre Ethier (oblique) out until Thursday, or possibly all week. You should bench Ethier in weekly lineup leagues.
- Cubs SP Ryan Dempster (strained lat muscle) isn't expected back until after the All-Star break.
- Rays SP Jeremy Hellickson came off the DL on Saturday, but left his start in the third inning after being hit in the shin by a line drive. X-rays were negative, and Hellickson is tentatively scheduled to make his next start on Thursday.
- If Derek Holland has a good rehab start tonight, he might be back on the mound for the Rangers on Saturday.
- After his latest strong outing, I picked up A's SP Travis Blackley in two AL-only leagues. Blackley isn't great, but he has a 3.19 ERA with a 1.06 WHIP in seven starts this season, thanks mainly to excellent control.
- The Padres have sent C Nick Hundley to Triple A and promoted prospect Yasmani Grandal, who responded by hitting two homers on Saturday. Grandal can be targeted in deeper formats, but Hundley could be back soon.
- As a Yankee fan, I love Derek Jeter. But for White Sox manager Robin Ventura to call Jeter the greatest Yankee ever is astonishingly dumb. Maybe Ventura's brain got scrambled when Nolan Ryan kept punching him in the head during their infamous 1993 fight.
- Royals OF prospect Wil Myers hit his 27th homer of the season on Sunday. As noted in this week's edition of Free Agent Frenzy, it's time to grab Myers and stash him.
- Astros 3B Chris Johnson missed Sunday's game and is likely sit out at least one more due to a strained back.
- Diamondbacks SP Trevor Bauer, who left his first start on Thursday because of a groin cramp, is expected to make his next start on Tuesday against the Padres. I'd want to pitch against the Padres, too. In other D-backs news, Daniel Hudson's need for Tommy John surgery has been confirmed.
See you back here tomorrow morning.
Check out more Fantasy Baseball News and Notes.


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Change your username
When you create your Google Account, your username is the full email address you used to create your account. This means you'll have to change or delete the email address linked to your account if you want to change your username.
If you use Gmail
If you use Gmail with your Google Account, it's not currently possible to change your Gmail username after you've registered. You can, however, delete Gmail from your account and use a different, non-Gmail address for your Google Account. You can also create another Google Account with a different Gmail username.
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- Choose Save.
Once you've saved the change, you should get a message at the email address you just added to your account. To complete the change, click the verification link in this message. You should also get a message at your old email address confirming the change.
If you don't get these emails and you've already checked your spam folder, request a new email.
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Date: 1858
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Date: 1944 ca.
Description: Artist's rendering of the research and development tower and administration building of the S.C. Johnson and Son Wax Co.
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Piermont, NY, USA < change city >
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Scratch Weddings
36 Cooper Square
New York, New York 10003, USA
2 ratings, 2 reviews, 2 weddings
Scratch Weddings is the leading DJ company that has entertained over 6 million guests and performed at over 15,000 events for top brands. Our marquee DJs routinely open for leading recording artists, mix before thousands and perform at events and weddings - just like yours. These are A-List performers who are expert at customizing music to you and your wedding night, mixing a wide variety of genres and keeping all guests, ...
Lake Valhalla Club
Lake Valhalla Club
13 Vista Road
Montville, NJ 07045, United States
Reception Sites, Ceremony Sites, Rehearsal Lunch/Dinner, Ceremony & Reception
0 ratings, 0 reviews, 5 weddings
Beautiful, Lakeside, Rustic, waterfront venue, custom designed menus and events, one wedding at a time.
Crabtree's Kittle House ...
11 Kittle Road
Chappaqua, New York 10514, USA
914 666-8044
Ceremony Sites, Reception Sites, Ceremony ...
2 ratings, 1 review, 3 weddings
Wedding Venue and reception site in beautiful Chappaqua, Westchester County NY. Built in 1790, a historic landmark home with 13...
Blossom Accents
Cleveland, Ohio 44120, United States
Invitations, Favors
BLOSSOM ACCENTS designs HANDMADE WEDDING INVITATIONS with a UNIQUE, BOLD and CREATIVE style. Agnes of Blossom Accents closely w...
Groovy Groomsmen Gifts
56 West Broad St.
Stamford, CT 06902
Striving for both creativity and functionality, Groovygroomsmengifts.com offers practical yet unique gifts that you won't easil...
Wce Carriagehouse
187 Brinckerhoff Court
Englewood, NJ 07631, USA
(201) 568-7701
Ceremony Sites, Reception S...
38 ratings, 40 reviews, 49 weddings
I would highly recommend the WCE Carriage House to anyone who wants a wedding tha...
About The Day
Photographers, Videographers
17 ratings, 16 reviews, 17 weddings
Stephen & Sonia: Thank you so much for everything. (Sorry for our late review, bu...
110 W 20th St
New York, NY 10011, USA
Wedding Fashion
6 ratings, 7 reviews, 8 weddings
As I walked into Kleinfeld (the 12th dress store I went to while looking for a we...
Poughkeepsie Grand Hotel
40 Civic Center Plaza
Poughkeepsie, NY 12601, US
Hotels/Accommodations, Cate...
6 ratings, 6 reviews, 57 weddings
I can not say enough wonderful things about the Poughkeepsie Grand. First, their...
The Pastry Garden
2600 South Rd
Poughkeepsie, NY, United States
6 ratings, 6 reviews, 6 weddings
Loved, loved, loved our cake! Stephanie, the owner, sat with us and said yes to e...


text: The 25th Annual Taste of Spring will be held on Thursday, April 25, 2013 from 5:30-8:00pm at the Waterloo Holiday Inn. Features include over 38 vendors, wine tasting, non-alcoholic beverages, food samples, silent auction, door prizes. Presale tickets: $25 by April 24. $30 at the door. All proceeds benefit United Way of Seneca County. You could also win a 2013 Silver Dodge Dart. Only 1,000 tickets for the car will be sold for $25 each. The drawing for the car will be held at 6:30pm and you do not need to be present to win. To purchase raffle tickets for the car and/or presale tickets for the Taste of Spring, call United Way at (315) 539-1135, visit www.uwseneca.org or email firstname.lastname@example.com.


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Your Account
Make the most of OS X 10.8 Mountain Lion!
Updated April 19, 2013
Learn to function effectively with OS X 10.8 Mountain Lion, whether you want to embrace recently added features (such as Notifications, Launchpad, gestures, and Mission Control) or want to strike a balance between old and new options. Most importantly, you'll get a thorough grounding in Mountain Lion's new "modern document model" that gives you three ways to save documents: the old way, the new way, or the new way with iCloud.
Written by Mac expert and former professor Matt Neuburg, this ebook also discusses how you can tweak Mountain Lion to best meet your needs--with details on customizing the menu bar, Finder windows, Dock, Launchpad--and much more.You'll become comfortable with these important Mountain Lion features:
You'll learn how handle these core customizations:
Plus you'll find the answers to these customization-related questions:
Chockablock with information, the ebook also teaches you how to:
Matt Neuburg has a PhD in Classics and has taught at many universities and colleges. He has been programming computers since 1968. He has written applications for Mac OS X and iOS, is a former editor of MacTech Magazine, and is a long-standing contributing editor for TidBITS. His previous O'Reilly books are Frontier: The Definitive Guide, REALbasic: The Definitive Guide, and AppleScript: The Definitive Guide. He makes a living writing books, articles, and software documentation, as well as by programming, consulting, and training.
View Matt Neuburg's full profile page.
(based on 2 reviews)
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(2 of 2 customers found this review helpful)
Nice little manual
By jsuda
from Rochester NY
Best Uses
Comments about oreilly Take Control of Using Mountain Lion:
Big new operating systems always provide plenty of opportunities for experts to enlighten and guide new users. Apple's new Mountain Lion (OS 10.8) is really only incrementally different from its predecessor but still has 200+ changes/improvements which, as a whole, are not described or explained in a systematic comprehensive way by Apple itself. (Use the digital "Help" program, it says.)That's where books like "Take Control of Using Mountain Lion" come in. Author, Matt Neuburg, provides the descriptions of (most of) what's new in Mountain Lion while providing overall guidance to the operating system for new and casual Mac users. Neuburg is a computer consultant, writer, and programmer. He is the author of a handful of books primarily on scripting and programming. Here, he has written a fairly straightforward manual of OS 10.8, with a bit of practical guidance in some areas and some software enhancement suggestions.The book is neither comprehensive nor deep but sufficient to provide the new and casual use user with enough information to use, configure, understand, and modify the OS for general personal use.The book has 18 chapters covering what's new in OS 10.8–setting system and Dock preferences; adjusting and manipulating windows, sidebars, font groups, text and display settings, mouse and keyboard configurations and other basic features. He covers some special items like parental controls, setting login items, understanding services, and using the Wi-Fi Airplay function to stream media across devices. There is no coverage of the included OS 10.8 programs like iTunes, Mail, Safari, etc. There are good sections on the new Modern Document Model and display screen calibrations. There's not much help for those affected by the deletion of the Rosetta function for legacy software. The book has 270 pages (in PDF format) but curiously, no index. The text is complemented by a large handful of screenshots of mostly configuration settings but also some useful charts, especially one on status menu items. I reviewed from a 500+ page e-publication document on an iPhone. Surprisingly, even with the small screen, it was relatively easy to read text, graphics, and charts. There is no paper version, but both electronic formats were, at least, easy enough to read. This book is a workmanlike effort, solidly done, and worthwhile at only $15. Those wanting more may consider "OS X Mountain Lion: the Missing Manual" by David Pogue. The Missing Manual series is the gold standard for manuals of this type and contains Mr. Pogue's unique combination of expert descriptions, explanations, charm, wit, and practical guidance. That book covers more ground, too, but comes in at over double the price of "Taking Control of Mountain Lion" ($35 print, $28 e-publication.)
Bottom Line Yes, I would recommend this to a friend
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(3 of 3 customers found this review helpful)
Mountain Lion as a Tool
By Hartley the Editor
from Lyndonville, VT
Take Control of Using Mountain Lion describes Mountain Lion as a tool and contains information about this tool that you probably will not find anywhere else. I did not fully appreciate Take Control of Using Mountain Lion until I started reading it from this perspective.It is like a book about a complex jig saw as a tool, about changing the blade in the jig saw, choosing the blade with the right teeth for your work, and the way to hold it. It would not be like other jig saw books about how to cut out a bird house. Mountain Lion is, after all, a tool, and Take Control of Using Mountain Lion is about the new changes in Lion and Mountain Lion, and about understanding, adjusting, and using Mountain Lion as a tool. As a result you will become a more proficient and more productive user. After the Introduction, I began reading Mountain Lion Quick Start to get up and running more quickly with the intention of going back to read the full book later. Mountain Lion Quick Start has links to how to suspend Spotlight and updates until you have made other changes. It has links to making adjustments to your work environment including the organization of your preferences, your dock, your scroll bars, and your monitor display. It explores the new features of Mountain Lion, followed by the new features of Lion. It ends with things to do as needed or as time permits.You might want, instead, to begin reading the excellent chapter "Know What's New" which contains links to information about the tools that are new in Mountain Lion and those that were new in Lion. This is the only place where Matt Neuburg discusses some of the innovations. If I were doing it again, I would read items 1 and 2 under Mountain Lion Quick Start, then read Know What's New, before returning to Mountain Lion Quick Start to finish my initial setup.I was impressed by the amount and depth of the information in Take Control of Mountain Lion. One example is Matt Neuburg's explanation of the difference between information saved in files and the information saved in applications. I liked that when Neuburg tells you how what the different settings do, he often tells you the settings he uses, and suggests that you choose what works best for you. I will return to Take Control of Using Mountain Lion to reread chapters as appropriate, and as a reference. I probably would have given it five stars if I had started with this perspective of Mountain Lion as a tool.I received a review copy of this book.
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When people think of developing leadership in social environments, they often think of it in terms of a person developing their own skills in leadership (1) versus how the group itself executes (2). These are two different things.
In particular, in my chapter on leadership models in Social Networking for Business, it is not focused on #1 individual leadership skills, but rather on #2, how to consider what the right model is for leadership in a given social experience. As said many times before, leadership in a community experience is very different than that in individual social experiences (e.g., your own blog, or profile page).
In a way, these models are much more "tactical" in the view that they are what you might apply to one particular social environment instance (e.g. the Durian-lovers community, Rawn Shah's blog). These tactical models may still run for years, and are not necessarily short-term—what we often equate with tactical situations.
A strategic view, on the other hand, is from the eyes someone
or some team overseeing the Enterprise 2.0 ecosystem of all the social environment
instances. In many cases, they may be looking at thousands or millions of them
within the same organization. In the strategic view, you could consider how
many applications of each of the tactical leadership models exist. This gives
you an idea of how well the people across the organization are 'skilled'--building their skills per #1 in online social environments--in
working in particular leadership models.
From an employee's point of view, if you have never worked in a workgroup of one particular leadership model, it takes a bit of time to learn and understand how it works. It will require it anyway, because each instance may have its own particular nuances and variances. However, my point is that the employee understands the differences in working in different such tactical leadership models, so they can contribute or lead the group more effectively.
These are the soft skills of leadership that we often talk about, but here in terms of tangible concepts.
Furthermore, from the strategic view, this also shows that you can have an effective Enterprise 2.0 collaborative system with high degrees of autonomy, without needing to completely transform the structure of your overall organization. What the employees are essentially agreeing on is that within their many online collaborative instances, they will work as agreed within each instance. The overall organization is still free to change and transform, but it is possible to be both an open social collaborative organization; yet still maintain the traditional structure, as long as both covenants allow and support each other's approaches and needs.


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Looking for new photo gear? DxOMark's Perceptual Megapixel can help you!Monday December 17 2012 Lens Insight
The optical science community has long used Modulation Transfer Function or MTF, to measure and describe the sharpness of a lens. They will continue to do so as it is a great way to characterize the physical performance of a lens, however it's both rather complex to understand and difficult to communicate how well a lens performs from the perspective of the human visual system. At the end of the day photographs are primarily produced for humans to look at: so DxOMark is introducing the Perceptual MPix measure, a more intuitive way to describe lens and camera perceived sharpness.
Most of our readers were not looking at MTF graphs
Can you define MTF? Do you know if an MTF20% of 50lp/mm is better or worse than an MTF 50% of 30 lp/mm? And when reviewing an MTF chart, can you distinguish which curve is best? The short answer is probably no.
Modulation Transfer Function or MTF, describes how well a lens and a camera reproduce a scene's details and contrast in a final image. An integral part of DxOMark's image evaluation toolkit, MTF is understood by optics experts and by some of the 'geekiest' photo enthusiasts, but for the vast majority of people, MTF is an abstract measurement represented by opaque numeric scores, and swooping lines on a graph.
MTF provides a lot of information about optical performances, but can be overwhelming to manipulate for scoring and comparison. Therefore, DxOMark is introducing a new sharpness measurement unit called Perceptual MPix. This unit will help users to compare the perceived resolution of lens and camera combinations.
Perceptual MPix: a much simpler tool to score and compare lenses
P-Mpix is the unit of a sharpness measurement. The number of P-Mpix of a camera/lens combination is equal to the pixel count of a sensor that would give the same sharpness if tested with a perfect theoretical optics, as the camera/lens combination under test.
For example, if a camera with a sensor of 24Mpix when used with a given lens has a P-Mpix of 18MPix, it means that somewhere in the optical system 6Mpix are lost, in the sense that as an observer you will not perceive the additional sharpness that these 6Mpix should have added to the photos if everything was perfect.
In other words it indicates the ability of the lens and other optical components of a camera to utilize, from a visual perspective, the number of pixels of the camera sensor. P-MPix expresses the result using a figure that can easily be compared to the camera sensor's MPix figure to show the quality of the lens.
This measurement bypasses the problems inherent to MTF:
- Describes resolution with a single number,
- Correlates with the way the human vision perceives resolution
- Uses a unit that is well-known to photographers — the megapixel.
The result is a more easily understandable measurement for users that makes comparisons between camera and lens combinations very simple: the higher the Perceptual MPix score, the better the perceived resolution.
Photographers of all types can relate to megapixels, as it is a figure that camera manufacturers provide to describe the resolution of their cameras' sensors.
45% of megapixels are lost due to lens or sensor defects
The Perceptual MPix measure provides photographers with a value that is more strongly associated with the true resolution of their camera sensor when coupled with a lens, or vice versa. For example, a photographer who shoots with a 20-megapixel sensor might produce images that are realistically only 15 megapixels in resolution. A number of factors can cause this loss in megapixels and resolution, including such lens defects as optical aberrations, light diffraction, or an ineffective anti-aliasing filter. The difference in number between a sensor's megapixels and Perceptual MPix quantifies this loss.
The example above is based on data from DxOMark's database of test reults for more than 2,500 camera and lens combinations. These tests reveal that roughly 45% of the resolution is lost due to lens or sensor defects.
A valuable tool for photographers looking for sharp images
Perceptual MPix quantifies the impact of lens sharpnes on camera resolution. This can be seen clearly when you look at the scores for two, superficially similar lenses when used on cameras with different resolution.
For example the Sigma 35mm f1.4 DG HSM A when mounted on a Canon EOS 5D Mark II scores 17.2 P-MPix, on the Canon EOS 5D it scores a near perfect 12. Samyang produce a lens with the same specification: the 35mm f1.4 AS UMC. It is around 30% cheaper so it is worth looking at. On the Canon EOS 5D it scores pretty well at just under 10 P-MPix a difference which many photographers would be prepared to live with. When you mount the Samyang lens on the newer Canon EOS 5D Mark II however, the score is 11.5 P-MPix, a loss of 45% of the camera's resolution. Effectively the results from the Samyang will be only marginally better from the Canon EOS 5D Mark II than from the Canon EOS 5D.
What this is actually showing is the inability of the cheaper lens to resolve detail well at the scale of the pixels in the 5D Mark II, while the Sigma lens seems to be limited only by the resolution of the sensor when used on the 5D and gives much more perceived detail when used with the 5D Mark II.
To further emphasize this, if you mount the Samyang 35mm lens on the Canon EOS 7D which is an APS-C camera and in which the pixels are about half the size of those in the older 5D, the P-MPix score drops to 8.9. This is less than half of the EOS 7D's actual sensor resolution, a camera with 50% more pixels but a Perceived MPix score lower than the 5D and that, using only the centre of the lens.
Perceptual MPix can be particularly valuable for DxOMark users looking to purchase a new camera.
Looking at combinations of cameras and lenses rather than just the lens resolution makes it clear that there are times when there will not be a significant advantage in sourcing the finest lenses. The Sigma 35mm f1.4 DG HSM A is an excellent lens but used on the Canon EOS 5D performs only slightly better than the cheaper Samyang 35mm f1.4 AS UMC, but when the camera sensor no longer the limiting factor in the combination you see the quality benefit only with the better lens.
Perceptual MPix thus lets photographers take manufacturers' announcements about resolution with a pinch of salt, and answers an essential question when changing equipment: Is it better to buy a new camera or a new lens?
A great metric backed up by science and the industry
DxOMark's new Perceptual MPix measurements are based on acutance and human contrast sensitivity function (CSF) published in recently-released image quality standards from the International Standards Organization (ISO) and the International Imaging Industry Association (I3A). A member of the working groups involved in image quality, DxO Labs has been working diligently with giants in the digital imaging industry such as AMD, Nokia, Kodak, Nvidia, Fujifilm, HP, RIM, Intel, Microsoft, Google, and others.
DxOMark has also relied on the very recent scientific research of CNES (the French space agency) with respect to the optimization of digital acquisition systems, notably those for satellite imagery.
What are the key lessons for the photographic community?
The Perceptual MPix measure confirms certain rules of thumb such as "a 12 MPix full-format camera is sharper than an 18 MPix APS," and can verify if the kits offered by manufacturers will properly support a hardware update, etc. Many exciting issues are now quantifiable, and DxOMark will soon offer detailed analyzes based on these scores.
Combined with DxOMark's long-standing position as the industry leader in image quality evaluation, this new Perceptual MPix measure with its single numeric score, its strong correlation with the human perception of image quality, and its usefulness for easily comparing combinations of digital cameras and lenses, will give consumers, journalists, and experts in the field a better understanding of image quality, and more specifically, of lens and camera resolution.