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A Minnesota native is walking on a California beach looking over the water towards Hawaii. Sighing, he wished that this vacation he could have gone to Hawaii but he couldn't afford to fly. He could only go as far as he could drive. Wandering aimlessly across the sand he happened upon a tarnished lamp with some kind of writing on it. Curious, he tried to clean the lamp enough to read the writing. Lo and behold, a Genie popped out. The Genie said, "For freeing me from this lamp I will grant you one wish. You get only one, so think carefully before wishing."
The Minnesota native pondered for a while then remembered his earlier desire. "I want a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there for vacation" he announced to the Genie.
The Genie indignantly turned on the poor man. "How can you seek such a selfish wish? You get only one wish and you spoil it on this? Besides, do you have any idea how much effort that would take? It has to be wave and wind proof, anchored to a bottom tens of thousands of feet deep, able to sustain impact from ocean freighters, not disturb the natural processes so active in that part of the world. The volume of concrete and steel needed would disrupt global supplies for years. Think this request over and try another wish!"
The Minnesotan was taken aback. He apologized for such a selfish wish and began pondering again, trying to come up with one perfect wish. Finally, he had his answer. To the Genie, he replied: "I do have the perfect wish. My wife has been so good to me all these years and I want to pay her back. For my wish, let me understand women."
The Genie replied: "Did you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart, I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
crusaderRabbit wrote:A Minnesota native is walking on a California beach looking over the water towards Hawaii. Sighing, he wished that this vacation he could have gone to Hawaii but he couldn't afford to fly. He could only go as far as he could drive. Wandering aimlessly across the sand he happened upon a tarnished lamp with some kind of writing on it. Curious, he tried to clean the lamp enough to read the writing. Lo and behold, a Genie popped out. The Genie said, "For freeing me from this lamp I will grant you one wish. You get only one, so think carefully before wishing."
The Minnesota native pondered for a while then remembered his earlier desire. "I want a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there for vacation" he announced to the Genie.
The Genie indignantly turned on the poor man. "How can you seek such a selfish wish? You get only one wish and you spoil it on this? Besides, do you have any idea how much effort that would take? It has to be wave and wind proof, anchored to a bottom tens of thousands of feet deep, able to sustain impact from ocean freighters, not disturb the natural processes so active in that part of the world. The volume of concrete and steel needed would disrupt global supplies for years. Think this request over and try another wish!"
The Minnesotan was taken aback. He apologized for such a selfish wish and began pondering again, trying to come up with one perfect wish. Finally, he had his answer. To the Genie, he replied: "I do have the perfect wish. My wife has been so good to me all these years and I want to pay her back. For my wish, let me understand women."
The Genie replied: "Did you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
They Walk Among Us!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
They Walk Among Us
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk..
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
When I first started teaching in a suburban Buffalo high school, a few of the students asked me how old I was. Thinking that was a bit impertinent, I didn't feel like answering directly. I told them, "I would have been 26, but I was sick for 2 years." One of them said, "Then you're only 24?"
They walk among us.
An old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "
"Well, that seems only fair." said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "Not everybody pays."
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
AABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: 2.0 That's right What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his sock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something really really special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special sock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!" The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. There's no money in that account! "I know", said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special Learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word,
and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With
great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her
curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure,
the uniforms?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 85?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs or sausage?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, etc?"
"No, I don't," I said
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a Harley, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said "Then, why do you even give a Rollerball (2002)?"
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator)responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement an old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."
28 one liners..
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't...
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete genius -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26 . Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, He decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
man who lived in an apartment thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
"Yes, " She said, "could you bring it up?"
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer......
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.
As told by the 73 year-old skier on the chairlift yesterday.
My son was about 10 years old, good little skier. We were on the Tram in Utah and it was really cold. Utah cold, not Tahoe cold.
"Dad, I'm cold.", says the little skier.
"Cold is a state of mind.", I replied.
A little later, "I'm cold."
"Cold is a state of mind." I reminded.
Another skier on the tram turned to him and asked my son, "Is that your Dad?"
"He's full of Rollerball (2002)."
Men's Guide to Hormones
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office..
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told
her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ---------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy koi. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush
and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- ---------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
For all of us women who are married , were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,
'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'
Proper English
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' " he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, OR ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!
So anyone out there getting old?
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, isn't it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief..'
This is too freaking funny (especially if you know someone that would react similarly):
PhoneTap - Jewish Parents
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach turned to the passenger next to him and said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Importance: High
Office security-Special Bulletin
We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
Jerry and the Genie
One day Jerry spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
Jerry thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job--a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
Jerry the Carpenter
One afternoon, Jerry and his boss were on a roof pounding nails. Jerry would pound a nail in, and then pick up another. He was holding the nail upside down. After looking at it, he suddenly tossed the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded it into the roof. He eventually tossed so many upside-down nails away, that his boss came over.
"Jerry, what are you doing? How come you're tossing away all these nails?" he asked.
"Well, they're upside down," Jerry replied.
Shaking his head, his boss looks at Jerry and yells, "You genius, save them for the ceiling!"
President Clinton and his driver.....
President Clinton and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.
Clinton told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours.
When the chauffeur came out, Clinton was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Clinton asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was President Clinton's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
Q: Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage.
A: They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Last minute Instructions.....
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate".
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town. That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "This is the cow right here" she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess it's to hang up your pants".
A Farmers Mule.....
A farmer's mule kicked his mother-in-law to death. Farmers from all over the county turned out for the funeral.
The minister, examining the crowd outside the church, commented to a friend, "This woman must have been mighty popular. Just look how many people left their fields to come to her funeral."
"They're not here for the funeral," the friend said. "They're here to buy the mule."
Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem.
When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But, you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Andy Rooney's Tips For Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work!
(1)The three little words are: "Hold on, Please...."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.
Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.
(3) Another Good Idea:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! The last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.
Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail.
Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
Subject: All in a Doctor's Day
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
* * * * * * * * * * * *
One day, I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now, I'm running out of places to put
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
Courtesy of my mom:
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
A recent study...
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example:
If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no".
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Ok," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
In honor of the past weekend of love...a post found on Craig's List.
To the guy that crapped in my car. (SW Minneapolis)
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.
I thought we had chemistry sitting at Famous Daves sharing the feast for two while drinking their sweetened ice tea. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a koi shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.
I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...
What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call or email,


text:
Lone Star Legal Aid (Angleton Office)
Who We Are
Operating for more than 60 years, Lone Star Legal Aid (LSLA) is a non-profit law firm that now serves as the fourth largest legal aid organization of its type in the United States. The firm provides free civil legal help to low-income persons who have immediate needs but cannot afford an attorney. Headquartered in Houston, the organization operates another 12 branch offices and covers one-third of the state, including 72 counties in the eastern and Gulf Coast regions of Texas, and also four counties of southwest Arkansas, and has an eligible client population of almost 1.5 million at 125% of federal poverty guidelines. LSLA is the only full-service civil legal aid provider in the region, and it offers advice/legal counsel, brief services, self-help clinics, community legal education, and referrals, as well as full representation in administrative hearings and county, state, and federal courts. Practice areas include domestic abuse, health care, housing, employment, income maintenance, unlawful trade practices, education, civil rights, and disaster relief. LSLA also manages special projects, such as food stamp outreach, language access, elder law clinics, and a legal help line. Cases are accepted on a priority basis, and current priorities include: (1) enhancing and protecting income/economic stability; (2) preserving housing and related needs; (3) improving child outcomes; (4) seeking and maintaining safety, stability, health and well-being; and (5) assisting populations with special vulnerability, such as those who have disabilities, or who are elder, homeless or have limited English language skills.
How to Get Help
You can contact this organization by:
- Contact Type
- Other
- Information
Requests for legal assistance can be submitted online at: www.brazoriacountylawlibrary.com
- Contact Type
- Phone
- Phone Number
- 979-849-6464
- Information
Monday 9 a.m. we take 5 Family non emergency cases.
M-F all day We take both emergency family (abuse, hearing dates/opp party filed) and emergency other than family.
M-Th at 9:00 a.m. We take 5 non-family, non emergency
- Contact Type
- Appointment
- Information
Appointments for divorce-related matters taken on Mondays starting at 9:00 am until filled.
- Contact Type
- Legal Clinic
- Information
Appointments scheduled during the Intake Clinic except in non-emergency family law cases; non-emergency family law applicants provide information for follow-up later.
Who We Serve
- Area(s)
- Brazoria County
- Matagorda County
- Wharton County
- Language(s) Spoken
- Spanish / Español
- Income Guidelines
You must be at or under 125% of poverty level unless you have certain other eligibility factors that allow us to go to 200%.
If you have certain financial eligibility factors, we can serve families up to 200% of the federal poverty level.
Generally, clients are not asked to advance fees related to litigation; no charge for legal services.
- Your family's income should be at or below the following percentage of the federal poverty level
- 200
- Is this organization accessible by wheelchair?
- Yes
- Does this organization provide access for the hearing impaired?
- Yes
- Eligibility Restrictions
This program does not serve: Immigrant; Prisoner
Type of Help
- This group provides the following types of services based on your legal needs and its resources:
- Full Legal Representation
- Brief Advice
- Self-Help Materials
- Description of Services
Community Legal Education, Information and Referrals
- Emergency Instructions
What is an Emergency? An emergency legal matter is one where the person has been served with court papers; has a hearing scheduled; eviction set-out; utility cut-off; landlord lock-out; impending foreclosure; immediate termination from SSI, medicaid, or other governmental assistance without notice; domestic violence; abduction of child in some circumstances; and other situation considered on an individual basis.
800-244-5492 or 979-849-6464
General Contact Information
- Address
Lone Star Legal Aid (Angleton Office)
126 North Velasco (map)Angleton, TX 77515
- Phone
- 979-849-6464
- Toll Free
- 800-244-5492
- Fax
- 979-848-0682
- Website
- http://www.lonestarlegal.org

subset: commoncrawl


text:
Coats, bags and shoes from the new collection
Coats, clothing and accessories
The full collection for girls
The full collection for boys
From hats and scarves to satchels and backpacks
Personalised presents for little ones
Contact our customer service team for further sizing assistance.
How to Purchase
Please note Burberry does not ship to India. To purchase an item, first find a store using the Store Locator then use the contact details provided to check your chosen item is available.
For further assistance, please contact a Customer Service consultant. Select Live Chat to talk online or Call me back if you would prefer a telephone call from a consultant.
Enter up to three initials to personalise this item
Please use Roman characters only
You can only display one letter in your current size Edit Size.
Display your monogram along the side or the bottom of the item
Check Cotton Three-piece Baby Gift Set
Check Cotton Three-Piece Baby Bib Gift Set
Horseferry Check Baby Changing Tote Bag


text:
2011 Michigan Baseball Yearbook and Record Book
Welcome to Michigan's online publications! The University of Michigan athletics department will no longer print media guides. U-M fans and media can still obtain all the information they're used to, only now it's available online. Each of our varsity athletic teams will have a Record Book and a Yearbook. If you're looking for in-depth historical information, statistics, records, archives, etc., the Record Book is what you'll need. For more of a general overview of a team, the staff and student-athletes, check out the Yearbook.
• 2011 U-M Baseball Yearbook -- Contains 2011 team, coach and season information as well as U-M baseball tradition.
• U-M Baseball Record Book -- Contains all-time history and records in U-M baseball.
As always, in-depth information on the history, current season, upcoming events, staff and student-athletes is available on each sport page of MGoBlue.com.


text:
Summit Entertainment
'Warm Bodies'
Jan. 11, 2013 | 10:00 a.m.
More in:
Featured Topics
- Ron Howard will direct the Han Solo movie. latimes.com/entertainment/… 6 days ago
- "Star Wars" Han Solo movie loses directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller due to "creative differences" fw.to/s4vvDzW 1 week ago
- RT @tracycbrown: Harlem Globetrotters drafted Gal Gadot before Tim Tebow fw.to/CNIRgVN 1 week ago
- RT @ArchieComics: The Red Queen is back. 🔥🔥🔥 #Riverdale Season 2 starts filming this week! https://t.co/4o0cdk9TIB 1 week ago
- 'Star Trek: Discovery' will launch on CBS in September fw.to/KVKqUaT 1 week ago
Back Issues
Who's Behind the Mask?
Our legion of super contributors includes Noelene Clark, Tracy Brown, Patrick Kevin Day, Blake Hennon,, Todd Martens and Jevon Phillips.


text:
Furniture Stores in Lafayette Louisiana
Welcome to Bassett furniture in Lafayette, Louisiana! We hope you'll enjoy shopping for furniture and getting great decorating ideas at the same time. Our living room, bedroom, and dining room furniture is designed to be exceptional. Come by our store in Lafayette and experience it yourself. And spend some time in the HGTV HOME™ Design Studio - a fresh, creative design experience that highlights Bassett's unmatched ability to build and deliver quality custom furniture in 30 days. We have 1,000 fabrics and leathers so you can create a custom look that is uniquely yours.
501 Acadiana Mall Circle
Lafayette, LA 70503
Phone: (337) 735-1000
Store Hours:
Mon-Fri 9-6
Sat 10-6
Sun 1-5
7/10/2016 • Dottie & Frank
pleasant, knowledgeable staff, efficient service and fulfilled promised delivery time. Delivery guys...
1/14/2016 • Kent
Your staff did an awesome job of explaining, and answering all of the questions we had about the leather...
2/10/2016 • Robert
Sales staff was very knowledgeable and friendly. Followed up with me at home and ensured I had a great...
2/9/2016 • Justin
Customer service, assisting in planning and designing, and most importantly making the process fun.....
1/15/2016 • Eddie & Stacey
Kathy, who sold us the couch was fantastic. and up until the delivery I would have recommended you hands...
1/28/2016 • Scott
Happy with furniture but realized the day we received our leather recliner it was broken. The lever was...
2/8/2016 • Patty
Service at the store was very good. When there was an issue with the couch, no nail heads as desired,...
2/4/2016 • Lanny
My Bassett account and order were put in my First and Middle name NOT my First and Last name. This...
1/22/2016 • Joseph
Sales people don't bother you & are helpful.
1/14/2016 • Suzanne
I love the quality of the furniture and the ability to customize a lot of it. We purchased a custom...
2/10/2016 • Christopher
Exceptional product knowledge, no-pressure assistance, very responsive and helpful.
7/14/2016 • Tanny
My experience from the minute I enter the store was excellent. The sales person was kind and listened to...
7/14/2016 • Bill And Nancy
Assistance with selection of body fabric and customization of sofa and loveseat were excellent as were...
1/14/2016 • Suzanne
I love the quality of Bassett furniture, as well as the ability to customize a lot of the furniture. The...
2/4/2016 • David
Recliner concept outstanding. Tayloring below average. Should have never left the factory....
1/14/2016 • Toby & Charlie
Our sales person (Janice Faust) is extremely knowledgeable, patient and pleasant. We have used her to...
1/22/2016 • Natasha
Provided friendly, knowledgeable delivery professionals!
1/17/2016 • Debbie
The furniture is beautiful, however there were nails sticking out of the back of my chair I had to take...
1/15/2016 • Lee And Stacey
We are thrilled with the product and Curt was so knowledgeable and helpful, we will definitely recommend...
2/4/2016 • Thomas
Gail was great. She was patient- we never felt rushed. Despite the small size of our order, she took the...
2/10/2016 • Tom And Donna
This sales lady was great. She wasn't pushy, was very helpful and patient with us.
1/14/2016 • Donna
Online order delivery people were great
2/4/2016 • Patricia
Customer did not leave a comment.
2/4/2016 • Timothy
Great service, excellent quality, helpful and friendly.
7/13/2016 • Vicki
My shopping experience was great from beginning to end. I look forward to doing business with you again.
1/21/2016 • Linae
I didn't receive my delivery schedule call the day prior, so I called the morning of delivery as I had...
1/22/2016 • Pat & Keith
Salesperson was excellent, knew product. Delivery staff were on time, took care to not damage product...
2/11/2016 • Helen
Beautiful timeless furniture at a great value. Very happy with my selections.
1/22/2016 • Kathy
Our salesperson was amazing and on point. He went above and beyond across the board. We requested...
2/4/2016 • Jason
Customer did not leave a comment.
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The master bedroom furniture or a $5,000 retail value, could be yours!Enter for Your Chance to Win!
The master bedroom furniture or a $5,000 retail value, could be yours!Enter for Your Chance to Win!
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Novelty Stickers
Do you have a child that loves stickers? If you ask most kids, nothing is more fun than finding a bunch of fun stickers. Kids love being able to decorate school folders and other personal items with stickers shaped after their favorite themes. We are excited to offer a huge selection of stickers at Designed 2B Sweet. We are happy to have stickers that are sold by the roll, sheet, or even in different sticker scenes, making putting stickers in kids' goody bags, or giving them as awards as easy as possible for adults. Best of all, we have stickers sold in a variety of different shapes, sizes, and colors, making it easy for kids to not only find their favorite stickers, but trade them with friends as well at your event!
Looking for out of the ordinary stickers for crafts? We are excited to have a great selection of foam stickers, as well as stick-on jewels, and other fun types of stickers to make decorating folders, binders, and various craft projects even more entertaining. As well, are also constantly adding new stickers to our collection, allowing you to constantly refill your supply of stickers with new and fun things for kids. With our great prices, getting new stickers has never been easier!
Barnyard Animal Prism Stickers (12 dz)
Regular Price: $7
Now only: $5
Butterfly Prism Stickers (12 dz)
Regular Price: $7
Now only: $5


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text: Experience ? 19 Years of Experience ? 93 Client Satisfaction Score View scores Listens to me and understands my needs 95 Accessible when needed 90 Provides me a greater sense of confidence 95 The three scores are the percentage of clients who responded to the question and agree or strongly agree with the statement.*


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I first purchased this pot rack approximately 30 years ago. I need another one, and voila, the company still exists and still carries this great rack.
It has served me well for 3 decades and I look forward to purchasing another one to install next to it. (Posted on 2/10/12)
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Earlier this week, a passenger found a highly inappropriate note scrawled on a "Notice of Inspection" that TSA places in checked bags if they are required to be searched. She tweeted a photo of what she found and we soon learned of the incident.
TSA quickly launched an investigation and identified the employee responsible. That individual was immediately removed from screening operations and appropriate disciplinary action has been initiated.
The handwritten note was highly inappropriate and unprofessional, and TSA has zero tolerance for this type of behavior.
Agency officials have also reached out to the passenger to personally apologize for this unfortunate incident.


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The arc of Clyde's profile recalls nautical fittings from the turn of the 19th century. Its corduroy glass lens softens the glow from its lamps.
Overall: 5-3/8" h. x 18" w. x 5" d.
UL listed for use in dry or damp environments.
2 Edison sockets, maximum 60 watts per socket
Also available with GU24 sockets
For other configurations and sizes, see our Clyde Family.
Burnished Brass, Burnished Nickel, Dark Antique Brass, Dark Pewter, Dark Waxed Bronze, German Silver, Light Antique Brass, Light Pewter, Medium Antique Brass, Oil Rubbed Bronze, Polished Brass, Polished Nickel, Satin Nickel
View Finishes
Manufactured using 90% recycled brass


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Order Line 0330 123 4123
Order Line 0330 123 4123
Product Code: 230624
Waterproof tile adhesive for ceramic and mosaic wall tiles.
£2.60 per L
Our new hourly service lets you choose a one hour time slot for your delivery to arrive. We now deliver 7 days a week for your convenience, with time slots starting from the day you order. Simply choose from the availability hourly slots when you check out.
As we deliver these orders in small transit vans, there are a few restrictions on how much we a deliver in a single order. We will let you know during check-out if you order meets these requirements.
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This delivery information applies to 'standard' products ordered online or by telephone. Go to our Delivery Information page for full delivery details of all our products and delivery methods
Click & Collect is a free service. You can order online, then collect it from your local store.
Orders can be made at any time on the Wickes website or via our Call Centre between 8am and 8pm Monday to Friday, between 8.30am and 5.30 on Saturdays and between 10am and 4pm on Sundays by calling 0330 123 4123.
For full details on this delivery option, click here to see information further down the page
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Size: Approximately 219 sq ft. including Balcony
Location: STAR OF INDIA DECK
Cabin Category: PB
Amenities: Two lower beds (most of which convert into a queen) a balcony a private bathroom with shower direct-dial ship-to-shore telephone interactive television with videos and movies on-demand air-conditioning hairdryer and safe deposit box. Additional amenities include choice of dining shift free in-room breakfast upon request.
Please Note: Smoking is prohibited in all staterooms and suites but is allowed on balconies if using the windproof ashtrays.
Star Of India Deck features staterooms in categories:


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Admission Requirements
Applicants must provide the following information for admission to Capella programs and Specializations.
- Master's degree from an institution accredited by a U.S. Department of Education-recognized accrediting agency or an internationally recognized institution.
- Your official master's transcripts, minimum grade point average of 3.0 or higher on a 4.0 scale.
- A $50 non-refundable application fee. Fee is required to initiate an application for admission and must be paid as part of the application process. The fee covers the cost of transcript requests, transcript evaluation and other administrative costs.
- GRE and GMAT are not required for admission.
- A teaching experience verification form PDF that lists your teaching license and 3 years of licensed teaching experience.
To learn more, call 866.933.5974, or email us. When you connect with Capella, we will immediately put you in touch with an enrollment counselor trained to assist you with specific questions and needs for your area of interest.
International Student Requirements
You are considered an international applicant if you completed your highest degree outside of the U.S., regardless of where you currently live. International applications include all U.S. citizens and non-U.S. citizens who have completed their most recent academic coursework, degree, or credential at an institution outside the U.S.
In addition to the above admission requirements, you will need to submit these materials:
- Minimum scores and acceptable tests for proof of English proficiency
- Transcript evaluation
Learn more about international student admissions.


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Tucker, GA, USA < change city >
DJs (44)
Bands (40)
Cakes (39)
Caterers (36)
Florists (32)
Coordinators (26)
Wedding Fashion (18)
Wedding Day Beauty (18)
Limos (17)
Videographers (16)
Decorations (16)
Rentals (13)
Invitations (12)
Tuxedos (8)
Dance Instruction (5)
Ceremony Sites (253)
Reception Sites (190)
See All Vendors >
Magnolia Street Floral
890 Atlanta St
Roswell, GA, United States
2 ratings, 2 reviews, 2 weddings
Denise at Magnolia Street Floral was so helpful. She had so many good ideas and o...
1040 Boulevards SE
Suite F
Atlanta, GA 30312, USA
404 622 8828
Florists, Decorations
2 ratings, 1 review, 2 weddings
EVA and her team at TULIP absolutely MADE my event a DREAM. Eva took all of my id...
Blossoms Atlanta
825 Mimosa Boulevard
Atlanta, GA, United States
Florists, Fountains/Sculptures
1 rating, 1 review, 2 weddings
Monique was great! I made a million changes to my order and she was always extrem...
Amy Osaba
3535 Peachtree Road Northeast #520220
Atlanta, GA, United States
1 rating, 1 review, 2 weddings
I knew I had to have Amy to complete the look and feel of my wedding. She does re...
Elegant Creations by Dyana
7421 DouglasBlvd.
Ste N#215
Douglasville, GA 30135, USA
Florists, Decorations
1 rating, 1 review, 1 wedding
Elegant Creations by Dyana, turned my vision of my wedding day into a reality. My...
Brette Start Floral & Ev...
125 Mansell Place
Suite 105
Roswell, Georgia 30076, USA
Florists, Coordinators/Plan...
1 rating, 1 review, 1 wedding
Our flowers were beautiful! And Brette was very helpful and great to work with!
Laurens "Floral Art at i...
2549 Sterling Dr.
Lawrenceville, GA. 30043, USA
Florists, Decorations
1 rating, 1 review, 1 wedding
The flowers were beautiful, the pricing was fair, and the delivery and setup was ...
Edge Design Group
31 Oak St
Ste B
Roswell, Ga 30075, USA
1 rating, 1 review, 1 wedding
I ordered the Rose package from Daddy's Got a Budget, which is part of Edge Desig...
Freckles Events
Atlanta, GA 30311, USA
Coordinators/Planners, Flor...
1 rating, 1 review, 1 wedding
Markita is great! She really knows her business and can help you with any aspect...
Foxgloves & Ivy Floral D...
563 Memorial Drive SE
Suite C
Atlanta, Georgia 30316, USA
Florists, Decorations
1 rating, 1 review, 1 wedding
Cannot say enough about the florists. Absolutely amazing. He really is an artist.


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An in-depth case study of the use of DxOMark dataTuesday June 09 2009 Sensor Insight
Nikon and Canon chose different strategies for their entry-level market new cameras: Canon chose to provide a 15 Mpix resolution sensor with a small pixel pitch (4.7 µm), and Nikon provided a sensor with only 12 Mpix, but with a larger pixel pitch (5.5 µm).
Here is the summary of DxOMark performance for the two camera sensors:
The Nikon D5000 outperforms the Canon EOS 500D for every score evaluated on DxOMark, but the differences are more significant for color depth (1 bit is equivalent to 2/3 stop) and dynamic range (1 Ev is 1 stop) than for low-light ISO (the difference between the 2 cameras is about 1/3 stop). Of course, as the Canon EOS 500D provides a 15 Mpix sensor, the sensor (with an appropriate lens) should be able to capture slightly greater detail.
In contrast to low-light ISO score, color depth and dynamic range characterize the sensor at low ISO settings. Even if the Nikon D5000 achieves better scores at high ISO settings, the differences observed for dynamic range and color depth are higher at low ISO settings and explain the gap between the two cameras with respect to their Sensor Overall Scores.
Further readings for the An in-depth case study of the use of DxOMark data
To provide photographers with a broader perspective about mobiles, lenses and cameras, here are links to articles, reviews, and analyses of photographic equipment produced by DxOMark, renown websites, magazines or blogs.
With 15 MPix on a 14.0 mm x 18.7 mm sensor in an $800 bridge camera intended for the general public, the appearance of the Canon PowerShot G1X was one of the big events at CES 2012.
Nikon and Canon launched their new top-of-the-line cameras for news and sports photography at the end of 2009. The Nikon D3s replaced the NikonD3, and the Canon EOS 1D Mark IV replaces the Canon EOS 1D Mark III.
New data for the Canon 500D and the Nikon D5000
Read the DxOMark reviews for these new models and a comparison Insight


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You can travel with your firearms in checked baggage, but they must first be declared to the airline. You can go here for more details on how to properly travel with your firearms. We also look for explosives and bomb components as well, but thankfully those are extremely rare and we're happy to keep it that way.
Unfortunately these sorts of occurrences are all too frequent which is why we talk about these finds. Sure, it's great to share the things that our officers are finding, but at the same time, each time we find a dangerous item, the throughput is slowed down and a passenger that likely had no ill intent ends up with a citation or in some cases is even arrested. This is a friendly reminder to please leave these items at home. Just because we find a prohibited item on an individual does not mean they had bad intentions, that's for the law enforcement officer to decide. In many cases, people simply forgot they had these items in their bag. That's why it's important to double check your luggage before you get to the airport.
Including checkpoint and checked baggage screening, TSA has 20 layers of security both visible and invisible to the public. Each one of these layers alone is capable of stopping a terrorist attack. In combination their security value is multiplied, creating a much stronger, formidable system. A terrorist who has to overcome multiple security layers in order to carry out an attack is more likely to be pre-empted, deterred, or to fail during the attempt.
Blogger Bob Burns
TSA Blog Team
If you'd like to comment on an unrelated topic you can do so in our Off Topic Comments post. You can also view our blog post archives or search our blog to find a related topic to comment in. If you have a travel related issue or question that needs an immediate answer, you can contact a Customer Support Manager at the airport you traveled, or will be traveling through by using Talk to TSA.


text: Anyone else watching this? It's got everything a great PBS British Masterpiece Theatre production needs--great clothes, horsies, big houses, Maggie Smith, tea, and..errr...hooyay. It starts out with the sinking of the Titanic, and the sinking of the heirs to Downton Abbey, which basically means the oldedst daughter must marry the new heir or someone equally rich, else the family could be turned out. It's a great picture of the changing nature (and what hasn't changed) of British society pre-WWI. It covers everything from the working to the upper classes, those having a career v. the landed gentry "gentlemen", to women's rights, to sex (same and hetero). For a PBS period drama, it's got some turns in it to, like Spoiler when the hot Turk turned up dead Anyway, the pacing's excellent, and they give great recaps at the beginning for anyone wanting to catch up. It's on tonight 9/8c. I'm LOVING this series so far, and even better, they're making a sequel to it later this year!


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Club hosts Show Racism the Red Card event
Sol Campbell talks at Show racism the red card
Young people from Drayton Park, Robert Blair and Hugh Myddleton Primary Schools, Islington were at Emirates Stadium on Tuesday March 13 for an interactive educational event organised by Show Racism the Red Card.
The anti-racism organisation works with young people using the power of football and football icons as a way to engage using educational resources to promote an inclusive message.
Young people had the opportunity to take part in a range of educational activities beginning with a tour of the home of Arsenal Football Club followed by some anti-racism workshops. During the afternoon they watched Show Racism the Red Card's latest promotional short film featuring a variety of football players and finished the day by posing questions to a panel which included ex-Arsenal players Sol Campbell, Paul Davis and Perry Groves and the anti-racism campaigner Doreen Lawrence.
Over the last two years, Show Racism the Red Card has worked in partnership with Cambridge Education@Islington and Islington Borough Council to deliver a programme of anti-racism education modules to more than 4000 young people in Islington.
Alan Sefton, Head of Arsenal in the Community said: "We were delighted to host Show Racism the Red Card and local schoolchildren at Emirates Stadium, which really challenged the children and promoted an inclusive message.
"Through the Arsenal for Everyone initiative, the Club has the power to bring people together in a unique way and events like this help to promote an inclusive atmosphere for our fans, staff and local community."
Graham Smith from Cambridge Education said: "Cambridge Education is proud of the effective partnership it has in Islington with SRTRC. It has made a real difference in many of our schools over the last two years."
Ged Grebby, chief executive of Show Racism the Red Card added "Arsenal has been very supportive of the Show Racism the Red Card campaign in recent years and we were really pleased to be hold this event with them and Cambridge Education to educate young people and help them to understand that there is no place for racism in today's society."
For further information please visit: www.theredcard.org


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Scotts® PatchMaster® Lawn Repair Mix Sun & Shade Mix helps solve the #1 lawn problem?BARE SPOTS!
1. PREP: Remove any dead grass and loosen the top 1-3 inches of soil. For hard soils, apply a thin layer of, Scotts® Turf Builder® LawnSoil™
2. APPLY: Spread Scotts® PatchMaster® over the entire bare spot. Do not exceed ½" in depth.
3. WATER: After a deep and thorough initial watering, continue to water daily or as needed to keep seedlings moist.
4. ENJOY: The end result is thick, beautiful new grass!
Fall and spring are the best times to plant grass seed, because seed germinates best when daytime temperatures are between 60°F and 80°F.
7 - 30
4.75 lb: 115 sq ft
14.25 lb: 345 sq ft
This is not the product label. Always read and follow the product label before use.
View Label (requires PDF reader)
Safety Data Sheets can be found at scottsmsds.com
Need an answer to a product question? Scotts experts are always available by email and phone in our Help Center.


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You are logged in as:
After requesting your Tax Invoice online ,a PDF document will be e-mailed to you within 72 hours,to the e-mail address provided.
If a Tax Invoice has been successfully generated from the South African Airways Tax Invoice System, the onus rests on the recipient to ensure that his/her mailbox has enough space to receive an e-mail - with a PDF attachment; and that his//her service provider or exchange server allows for delivery of such e-mails. South African Airways, can not take responsibility for undelivered e-mails due to any other reasons beyond our control including the above.
Prescribed details required from the South African Revenue Service on a tax invoices
Tax invoices must ordinarily reflect all the following details (Section 20(4)):
Johannesburg. 7 December 2009
All fares quoted when booking flight tickets through South African Airways' (SAA) website, www.flysaa.com include the cost of tax and surcharges.
This new development was implemented to ensure ticket prices were transparent and complied with international Consumer Protection Acts and Laws which require the travel industry to include taxes and surcharges in the prices quoted for services.
Flysaa.com customers can see at a glance what a one-way or return ticket will cost at first glance.
The cost includes in the all inclusive ticket prices are:
While the fare quoted includes all taxes and surcharges, the customer is also able to view a description and breakdown of these before confirming the booking.
There are certain costs which will not be included in the price quoted as customers have control over these:
Issued by SAA Group Corporate Affairs


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You are logged in as:
After requesting your Tax Invoice online ,a PDF document will be e-mailed to you within 72 hours,to the e-mail address provided.
If a Tax Invoice has been successfully generated from the South African Airways Tax Invoice System, the onus rests on the recipient to ensure that his/her mailbox has enough space to receive an e-mail - with a PDF attachment; and that his//her service provider or exchange server allows for delivery of such e-mails. South African Airways, can not take responsibility for undelivered e-mails due to any other reasons beyond our control including the above.
Prescribed details required from the South African Revenue Service on a tax invoices
Tax invoices must ordinarily reflect all the following details (Section 20(4)):
About 3 minutes long
Ladies and gentlemen, wine makers, members of the media, judges, and friends
It is my privilege to welcome all of you at one of the most prestigious events on the calendar of South African Airways.
An event which we celebrate this year for the 29th year in a row.
Another proud South African Airways tradition which spans decades.
In keeping with our history as one of the oldest airlines in the world –
next year – ladies and gentlemen – South African Airways is turning 80
And may I say a very sprightly 80 year old – at that.
I would like to warmly thank everyone for attending tonight.
Thank you to our team from South African Airways, from the product department, marketing and procurement, who work with so much dedication on this event every year
Thank you Bennie Howard for all your effort and your friendship which you have shown all of us from South African Airways over the years.
Thank you to all the winemakers who ensure that this event remains a prestigious one in the wining community.
Thank you to all our judges.
We have been most fortunate to have the expertise of such a distinguished panel of wine judges
Our South African judges Ms. Yegas Naidoo who is also one of our frequent flyers and a Voyager Lifetime Platinum member; Mrs. Sandra Lotz; Mrs Susan Erasmus; Mrs Danielle le Roux; Miss. Carmen Stevens; Miss. Tatiana Marcetteau; Mr. Gregory Mutambe; Mr. Colin Frith; Mr. Miguel Chan
And our international judges Mr. Ralf Rudolf Anselmann and Mrs Debra Meiburg Debra – thank you for joining us.
Members of the media, thanks for attending.
Bongi, anyone else Manoj needs to thank?
Ladies and gentlemen tonight is also an especially emotive evening for me, as I will be saying goodbye to my colleagues later this month.
It was - as always - a pleasure working with all of you and I will leave the airline with fond memories.
Ladies and gentlemen - the annual tradition where we select the best of South African wines for our customers to enjoy, is a tradition of which we are very proud.
What made this year's wine selection process such a momentous occasion is that about 1017 wines were entered which our judges had to taste over the three days.
Only the best of the best and proudly South African wines are chosen to be served on board our entire route network and in our lounges.
As you all know this process is widely regarded as the most rigorous wine selection process in the country.
I am sure you are all very keen to hear who the winners are, and who will walk off with the trophies as our category winners.
So without further ado, let me not keep you in suspense for a minute longer.
I thank you.