text:
tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9911507749915629272018-06-15T00:31:17.463-07:00moments, drip, drip, dripEverything is subject to change. I like to keep things simple, however my processor, the one on top of my shoulders gets easily confused, this is part of my attempts to chronicle my warped thinking.What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-51405570829596057852017-04-25T20:47:00.001-07:002018-06-13T17:31:23.892-07:00Nothing says home from work like..........I forget to take off my boots, but when I do wow! My feet are free again from the confines of my boots. I can freely wiggle my toes, twist my foot around at the ankle, back and forth. Feel the air as it penetrates my socks, yes still wearing my socks.

Home, boots off, Freedom!

As it turns out, this thought ocured to me again in 2018 a year or so past when I started writing this tought as an essay if some sort.

Kicking my boots or shoes off initiates my feeling home at last after a trying day safely transporting the children.What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-74076956273511927472017-04-16T19:58:00.001-07:002017-04-16T19:58:47.675-07:00The Cyclical Wondering LifeMarch 10, 2016

Old Men spitting. Yes, we are on our way to being droolers. When we spit some of us just can't, that simple. Getting old is like when you are younger but in reverse, a lot skills we had to learn, we are unlearning or having to learn again too. You know you are an old guy when you think back to when you first learned how to spit as an awakening to adolescence. You remember spending time with your friends letting the thick drool and letting it slowly escape from your mouth with gravity and trying to stretch it out all the way to the toilet bowl and then sucking it back into your mouth before it touches anything there

So, you know you are getting old and pull out the nearly week old bread from the storage and there is some mold on it. You remember the story of how penicillin was discovered, scrape off some of the light mold and slice the bread for toast thinking it will not harm me, I have survived much worse and it could have a beneficial result.

You know you are becoming an old guy when you go to spit and you then find it later on your collar or your sleeve. It could be embarrassing in social situations. You know you are getting old when your already undersized junk is shrinking even further and trying to get hold of it becomes a real challenge and you got to pee like mad, yet can't seem to extract it from your pants. Depends! Maybe it is time for Depends. I don't want to go back to diapers yet!

March 6, 2016

It should be no surprise to me that persons I admire who came before me are passing back to dust, just as I must when my abused body gives up. The ultimate and final surrender when we exhale our last breath. Death comes to us all, I have worked through many regrets, yet a few still linger reminding me that I could have done better. I don't need to be to curious because my time will come and I will then not know forever more, reduced to dust as from which I came.(posted to Facebook this day. We will see, we will see who comments and what they say)

Today, Feb. 28, 2016

I have drunk two cups of coffee and it is great for getting me going but better even for me to procrastinate. It is a balancing act and I did some clean up after breakfast, Sunday I am going to do my OHP paperwork, I think it is about due and need it done. Then to the Hollywood Theater to see a movie that is hosted by Chris Rock and meet another school bus driver there, a guy who tries to find as many free events to attend. Younger than me of course.

I am de-revolutionizing, moving towards a nomadic life style. I just thought of what I am doing and why. it is all starting to make sense to me, all the going back to my past to reclaim or assimilate it into my current life, revisiting friends, reclaiming friends or just perpetuating friendships has come full circle for me now including me in the chain of events. Where I used to be looking at it from outside, I am now looking at my life from within.

I am working towards a nomadic life stye. I may have experienced one in my past lives. I just heard on the radio the Mississippi River and it's flooding. then I thought about tornado alley in the midwest and the cold winters in the Northern territories. Then I am thinking about great civilizations and how they have fallen under setting down roots. I think about the season, our planet and it's orbit, I think about the natural cycle of life and determined I can find my happiness on a wandering path. It all ties together and I am working on moving towards it with my idea of mobile home where I can visit people and places and choose the weather I want to experience.

I am coming to a better understanding of my place in the world. One of the links in my personal evolution has been revealed to me. I am an important link in my own destiny! The cyclic nature of our world, our environment. I need to be more nomadic and that is what I am working towards.

 My reading comprehension is good in the moment, but recollecting what I read is something wholly different. I got that typo you made because of the context and the sentence structure. My little brain works well in most cases. I went to the web because I needed a little back ground on Expressive Arts Practice. I had little inkling of a name for this practice. Makes sense. Many of us know healing the human is about a total experience and communicating through music, art and humor are important aspects of regaining mental and physical health or just communicating if regaining is not possible. We can elevate those who are down, including ourselves through experiences.

It is a bigger world out there and we are so small. As far as age goes, besides the physical, I have learned to nurture my inner child, adolescent and older guy. I have been learning to honor most of myself. This means I have continued to learn and be teachable, to not loose sight of the big and small picture. I do get easily distracted, but am working on a goal of a nomadic life style and am pretty focused on that, yet I am taking a more circular route to get there.

Dec. 12, 2014

Posted to my facebook page this short writing:

I have always thought of myself as someone who missed or travelled from one time to another. I am not sure whether it is truth or fiction, yet it is my life and what I have made of it. As I am getting older, I am again traveling through my own memories back in time to when I only skirted along the surface off my more youthful times and now I am inspecting those times with more attention than I seemed to have possessed then!

For me, this is a new understanding of incorporating my past with my present, finding the depth that I so carelessly misplaced in my immature thinking. However, it is that very thinking that made who I am today, the kind, warm mature person who is living the dream that I have always wanted. I always wanted to know who I am and I have a better understanding of who I am today. Barriers have always been placed in my path, yet I have adapted, adjusted and navigated around them. I have had help from that positive energy that continues to go unnamed except as magic, the connection that we all share. Sifting through and finding the good purposes is often a challenge that distracts us from that goodness. I have had my share of distractions. My life has not been boring, even when I am wiling away time idly. My focus has been building over years and as long as a decade of independence without owning property, seeking that nomadic lifestyle. I even sought that lifestyle as early as 18 years old but didn't know that was what I was searching for. The clues were unclear to me. My intensity has always distracted me from what it is I truly believe in.What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-36945817059748043622017-04-09T12:13:00.000-07:002018-06-13T17:45:15.315-07:00starting over has been the main theme in my life and I didn't plan itI first started this blog apparently right around 12/21/08! That is a long time ago. I had lots to write about and still do. I have been distracted and recently, I have somehow been reconnected with this blog. Although Facebook is a good place to connect with friends, it is not a good place to write meaningfuI deep searching my soul writing. I first started writing this entry in 2013, got distracted, now I am back and it is 2017, Yikes! Now it is June 2018. I have yet to publish this particular.

 Maybe I just need to write a little here, a little there and leave it at that. I have finally put Blogger onto my favorites page. How long did it take me to figure that out to remind me to come and write? I love to write and now it is the time of my life to throw myself back into writing. I have been gathering experiences in my life, so many that someone may be interested in the life of a blue collar working person.

 The writing I have been doing on face book has to leave that place and perhaps come here, perhaps get refined and edited by me and go somewhere else. I have to move these words around, to satisfy my needs. Now it is July, 30, 2014 Now it is August 6, 2014. Now it is April 9, 2017! Now it is June 2018!

This is the way it is, my life is a constant restart process.

At first I didn't have much say in the blog, but over time as with any writing bits and pieces come and then I find a way to put it together. I have had to reinvent myself from an early age. At first the reinvention was forced upon me. I didn't understand that it is in our nature to adapt and adjust to our environment, but that is what I have learned. This is my place, to adapt and adjust, make changes that I once thought were not possible, to start and restart again and again.

The fuel that keeps me moving forward is sometimes slow acting like molasses on a cold day. It drips on my inner time piece adding up over time to make the gears make a movement. It is like increasing gravity the closer we get to the center of our planet. My process though, is a contradiction. It has always been confusing and chaotic. I have learned to function and flourish in the chaos in my mind and survive and thrive.

I am the odd ball Clyde, but not the first one. I am grateful that my relatives before me were quirky, that I am from a line of quirky people who have looked hard into what their lives were all about, what their path should be. It has been a continuing journey of introspection. For a time when I was younger, about 10 years old I started to escape into books of science fiction and fantasy. I kept that up for about 3-6 years. Then I got lost again and I have been in and out of losing track for most of my life. It is the way I am and I am a survivor. I don't know why, but I accept the graces that have been bestowed upon me. I accept and am grateful I am still here to tell about it. I am working towards that end, but always starting again and again.What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-71724826829031341932017-03-09T19:32:00.001-08:002017-03-09T19:32:49.331-08:00Time might be moving to fast, slow down!Last post was over a year and a quarter ago. Not a good sign. Just got home from work, still drving a school bus. It is just not a good job, toxic would get a good description. The kids on my middle school route want me gone. I have a new strategy with them, keep my bill hat on and only glance at them once in awhile, because when they can't see my face in the mirror that is mounted above my head, they can't tell if they are annoying me and have mostly quiet. Of course, we have a new seating arrangement and it is a process to complete.

Of course it took a lot of time to get two students removed from my bus, but finally they really hung themselves by leading chants about S E X ! What's that spell most of the back of the bus screaming out SEX! Then they did the R A P E one and that was over the top. When I wrote the referral, the Vice Principal. Chuckled about the SEX part, but when he got to the RAPE part he was completely shocked! This is what I had been telling him and his advice had been pick your battles, build relationships and they are just being normal middle schoolers.

Those two are gone, now it is I Fucked your mother. I got the VP's attention again and he said he would talk to the parents and fhe kids. One of the kids apparently snitched off the other kid. I couldn't get them to do it. The one kid said he had a new system for riding the bus. I take that to mean an agreement to not use profane language. However today, I threatened him with a referral before we even left the school! I later retracted that because I am picking my battles! This is the worst job I have ever had, but the money is the best I can get.

I am planning on retiring after my truck is finished next year. That is what I am working towards. I still haven't decided if I will keep my car. I should find some VW bus guy who wants the engine and traby perhaps. Or just seen the whole thing and get they block head Harley clone or whatever V-Twin winds my watch.

One last thing. A short. Bus driver today hit and knocked down a pedestrian on a street today. I don't know the details nor do I know if I will ever find out, but the pedestrian was not getting up and the driver couldn't even call it in, another driver did it. I could tell the driver was devastated. If I hurt someone while driving, I would be lost for awhile. It is heart wrenching to have known someone who died by the wheels of a truck. To think I could driver after that, would just suck! I will find out more details as I investigate. One thing for sure the driver will lose his job. That's just the way it is.

What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-27463689817944679242015-11-29T12:57:00.000-08:002015-11-29T12:57:02.506-08:00Where we landed in the futureWe are in the future having traveled here from the past. We have lived or survived to be here now. Often being in the present is so sought after by others, but I am here now having attatined my position since the last entry. Why do I care? Why does it bother some that they want to hurry up so they can relax. Get out of my way, I am in a hurry to relax!

Just sit down and breath. It is November 29, 2015 and distant from the last entry. I have been writing elsewhere, here, but not on this blog. Here as in this iPad, on pages. I have also decided to stop reading periodicals because they interfer with my writing. I intend to publish and will be sending out copies soon so that I can receive polite or not so polite rejections of my writing until I find an outlet for my musings. Mostly about injustices of the school bus driver and how we are treated and encouraged to engage ourselves in a toxic environment and given lip service about how important our service is and denegrated when we consider withholding our service. How is it my fault the employers can not attract enough qualified people to do the job that I do? Try the pay is low and the stress is high. If it isn't the children, it is the other drivers on the road.

This job now that I am back to work has consumed my life. This job takes a lot more energy than we are told it will take. Only now for some of us has it sunk in. I have done this job since 2007 with an extended break from May 2014 to Feb. 2015 from a misunderstanding with my location manager about my actions and how he thought it wise to terminate my employment. Through negotiations and implied threats from government agencies I got my job back with some retroactive pay. I had to sign a return to work agreement and it has some unreasonable requirements that I have been told to violate without the termination promised in the document. It is just part of the most rediculous con traditions of this job. I have been willfully violating my return to work agreement with the express understanding that deviation from route or rerouting is expected of a driver if there are issues with the route. In other words we must drive in a safe manner that most effectively delivers our charges to their designated pick up and drop off locations avoiding traffic stalls and blocked passages. We must not call these deviations/rerouting in but I document them in a notebook just incase I am questioned about them. I will try and make more entries here in the coming year having missed so much time in the last one. Of course, I keep a journal and the essay I am working on takes up much of my energy that is left over after my job sucks up all of it.What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-38483635580634263822014-08-06T13:58:00.001-07:002018-06-14T19:00:16.318-07:00To many to'sto many distractions.... to many papers.... to many lists....to much clutter.... to many action items.... to many minutes waking up.... to many thoughts.... to much disorganization.... to few days left in summer.... too many stories to tell.....too many expectations.... too much stress.... too many feelings....to few storage spaces.... to many unfinished projects.... to much lethargy..... to many gaps in memory.... to many days that passed I don't recollect.... to many pennies piling up in stores....to many pennies ending up in the landfill....to much inflation....to many low wage jobs.... to many angry people.... to many people being bad....to many deniers.... to little change.... to many people killing.... to much government gridlock....to many dead beat elected representatives.... to many people wasting.... to much wasted food.... to much water wasted....to much wasted fuel.... to much ignorance....to much war for oil....to much war for greed....to much war for lies.... to much war for peace....to many dead from war....to many dead from "peace".... to much too much.... to much infinity.... to much expanding universe....to many stars....to much rain.... to much sun.... to much wind....to much cold....to many cigarette smokers....to few exercising.... to many complaining.... to many situations we lack influence.... to many unanswered questions....to many patterns....to many fossil fuel users.... to many pit mines.... to many strip mines....to many dead miners.... to many oil wells....to many dead oil workers.... to many people starving, to many people sick, to many people unevenly distributed on this planet.... to many leaky faucets....to many dollar stores....to few decent wages.... to many liars....to many to's to list!What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-63155744244775148992014-07-30T14:27:00.000-07:002014-07-30T14:27:01.003-07:00I am going back to the future or how I am validating my feelings of the past with the present...I may have mentioned growing my hair since July 2009, the last time I buzzed my hair to the scalp. I am in the 5th year of growing it. When I was much younger I never grew it this long. They wouldn't permit it. They got upset and oppressed me when by hair touched my collar. My parents didn't care, it was the public school system I was an indentured slave to.

My first opposition to authority came in the 6th grade when I learned the power of Fuck You when said to an adult's face. When an adult, our PE teacher who happened to be a former US Marine wanted 3 of us who palled around together to do laps or some nonsense because he didn't like us and needed to show us who was boss. We almost to a boy at the same time told him Fuck You! And then we ran and we out ran this guy. Of course, we got caught when we went back to school the next day or was it when they called our homes and spoke with our parents and beat because that was what our fathers did for punishment in those days. We were also forbidden to hang together any longer. That wasn't that hard for me and eventually I found new friends to hang with. Hanging out with different people over time was my m/o. I would form friendships and loose them just as easily. I have no friendships left from elementary school, no one I kept in touch with. I didn't even keep them around as I changed schools etc. That is the nature of some of our relationships from the past. I am discovering finally that it is ok to let go of friendships because as we mature our likes and values often change and what we like to do and who we like to do it with changes. I am finally Ok with that, finally!

I started writing this near to the beginning of the year and it is now past the middle of the year. It is Ok, as I have been busy with all kinds of adventures. As I often say, " I am consistently inconsistent" Of course that doesn't mean I am unreliable. I have almost always been reliable and consistent to get to work for instance. I have made punctuality an obsession. I have been punctual when I was going to work and later to school in my early and late 40's. Who knows if I am done with school? I don't know that far into the future.

My hair is still growing and I was frustrated with it yesterday and considered cutting it, but didn't. This is actually the first time in my life I have felt comfortable with whatever my characteristics and outwardly appearance happens to be... Took all this time to be accepting of myself, without having doubt if I am doing the right thing or not. I was terminated from my 6.5 year job of driving school buses and a darned stressful job at that. I am ready to leave it behind. I wasn't at first, but doors opening and doors closing well, got that backwards but you know. One closes and a new one opens, perhaps something that has opened before and maybe it is time to once again go there. Or even some that I have never done will beckon to me. I know they are.

What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-37535672379141512182014-01-01T17:28:00.000-08:002014-01-01T17:28:11.306-08:00I am surprisingly tired and I didn't do anything to warrant it!I am drowsy, having driven up into the Columbia River Gorge this afternoon, getting out to take various photo's. I am listening to the listener picks from one of the local commercial radio stations, thinking about what I am going to get for dinner. I am changing my eating habits as my 1 and only New Years resolution. Change the way I eat and everything else will change appropriately along the way.

On the news on TV which is on mute, San Antonio Texas, Porta Potties catch fire! Big news story of 2014.

Maybe I am down realizing I will be going back to work in several days. I was so relaxed not working for over a week. Wow, and now I guess I am gearing up for the coming next rush of working. 12 weeks of work until Spring Break. Ugh! Of course we will have various days off along the way. 47 working days until a week off in March. Then we go another 2.5 months until summer break. All of this will likely go more quickly than I like. As I age, will be 64 this year, Yikes! Got to find someone who will still love me at that age. That's not really a high priority. Not a likely to happen though since I am not well to do. It is only well to do men it seems that get partners at my age. I think they must have a lot of bank accounts. I don't back so those don't count as assets for me.

I'm wandering. I will have to start walking more. The TV news says it makes a big difference and I know from the past it is true. I am just so used to doing nothing. A family tradition, sitting still reading or what I am doing, playing on the computer. Tomorrow I will not drive anywhere, but walk to destinations. Actually, I don't like to drive around that much since I am still driving a school bus during the school year. Driving my car around town is not as safe as driving my bus. Got to go now, maybe a nap. The other thing I am going to try and do is come here and write more. Not just this crap either. Something real, such as in my other blog which contains it seems better content. What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-86365727200375044012013-12-31T13:22:00.001-08:002013-12-31T13:22:12.845-08:00My life is a balancing actThere is a person I want to contact and the shadow of proper is hanging over my head telling me it would be improper for me to use a business phone number for a personal contact.

My own values may not be the same as the societal values and hence the conflict. I know all of us must consider the societal values because they are standards we can all agree are there for each and every one of us, almost.

I have to look at what I am intending. I am intending to ask this person if they would like to meet for a cup of tea or something similar, because I am curious about this person. I also know my limitations and whether this person would consider it inappropriate and I don't want t make a bad impression.

You would have to read my other blog to know what that means to me. I am not going into it here.

So, as I have found in the past, putting down my thoughts and feelings to words that I can read seems to relieve some of the pressure I feel. I just need to learn patience and wait until I see this person in person. There is time. Yet sometimes time seems to play tricks on me. My needs, my desires, my wants are not all the same and they don't always align with what I expect society has in mind.

Take a breath, do something else, time will pass quickly enough and I will be able to compose my thoughts and express them in person.

What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-23980384999868023782013-12-29T22:33:00.001-08:002013-12-31T13:22:50.563-08:00Family TraitsI inherited my mothers sensitivities. But instead of being angry at myself for being so sensitive, I had to learn first to not be sensitive and I did that with alcohol and other drugs. Did it that way for about 24 years. I did take some drugs in that period of time that showed me my sensitivities were a gift, but I didn't recognize the gift I was given. I continued long past healthy to try and quash my over sensitivity.

I failed, I was a wailing dolt and then the frustrations I stuffed became anger. I was an angry drunk and I was out of control. I was out of control for about 15 years and somehow survived that anger, the alcohol and the other drugs I put into my body. Finally, I started to have moments of clarity where I could see that my use of intoxicants was coming to an end. My addiction was hanging on and I couldn't quite kick it. It had been at the time, more than twice the age I started with.

Both of my parents had drinking problems as did I and my two sisters likely. They were able to let it go sooner than I did I think. We all share the sensitivities our mom had. And tonight, I am feeling them largely. I am having strong emotions and instead of trying to get rid of them, I just let them be what they are, a gift. I've had the gift for a long time and will probably have it till the day I die. I now realize the gift for what it is. It is a gift my parents gave me to help me get through with my moments.

As I listen to the water drip off the roof, the moments slow down and I can hear the beating of my heart. I am forever linked to my family by what I inherited from them, from those who came before them. I am grateful that I have lived to understand and accept my family traditions.What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-52206882326394248022013-12-29T20:45:00.001-08:002013-12-29T20:45:21.592-08:00I have made an error in and not thought about my actions!yes it is true, a mistake that only I will have to pay for. I bought a chocolate bar and while sampling it, ate the whole thing! Yes, between 8 and 9 pm. Not good, oh the chocolate was excellant. The eating at this late hour, not good. It was laden in caffeine and I will likely suffer consequences. Those will be a bit of insomnia and I can't really afford that, now can I.

Wait! No work tomorrow, just a little meeting at a decent hour. I will be able to read a little and then go to sleep. I have a method for getting to sleep and it works every time!What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-91806958748118362042013-11-30T21:25:00.000-08:002013-11-30T21:25:39.812-08:00Living as a child, I looked up to adults, because I was short and they were taller. Not only that, but my parents lead me to believe adults had the authority to know what was right and what was wrong. That I should listen to them because they had a heck of a lot more experiences and especially teachers had college educations and were worldly and knew a lot more than I!

My insanity started long ago and I wasn't insane until I started school. I wasn't insane at first, they conditioned me into insanity. The education system has no room for those who think differently and I was one of those. I am still one of those and finally I had a moment of clarity or several along the way and made some changes. I continue to make changes. One of the biggest was don't take anything, that stopped my downhill roller coaster ride to self destruction!

The disdain for myself came from years in the public school system where I was marginalized by administrators, staff, educators and my peers. They would tell me over and over that feelings I expressed were imaginary, that I made them up all without investigating to see if they were in fact real! And they were real. But because I was told that my own nature was impossible, that sent me into despair and desolation, self rejection and self punishment. I was cast into a the a pool of confusion and chaos. I was being made into a crazy person because no one could figure out what kind of sanity I was operating in.

The people who were supposed to be helping me were making me insane.They told me I was behaving badly, that I was doing so on purpose and in spite of them, that I was a hateful child. They said things like "if you don't straighten up, you will end up in jail for crimes against society. And that is what happened! Because they told me who I would become, I became that person because adults at the time were the authority and they knew what was right and what was wrong. I must be wrong, they said so. When I became wrong on purpose, it was to shut them out. I did a good job of it, but in doing so, I also deprived myself of growing up and had to do that when there were some interventions. They stopped my roller coaster ride to self destruction.

A psychologist once told me she was surprised I was not in prison with an extended sentence. I avoided that at all costs, although I was arrested and went to trial many times, there were almost always some circumstances that weighed in on my cases. Thank goodness I didn't kill anyone. Notice how I said not kill anyone? That is because I used to hurt others and myself. I certainly hurt myself the most. I stunted my emerging from childhood, from adolescents and into adulthood by a couple of decades! It has taken a long time to slow down my self abusive nature. I am still struggling with it. I have still been on a downhill ride with sugar and food that is not good for me, probably the basis of my whole makeup! I am not making huge changes, just little adjustments, 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of exercises.
I did lots of one or two, or 3 day jail stays. One time I ended up in a straightjacket in a rubber room on a 5150. That was when I was 22. That was 41 years ago. I vowed never to be put into that kind of situation again, ever!

I have to keep putting my age in front of my face to believe that I am 63 going on 25. It is hard to imagine, but I am getting the picture. My inner adolescent tells me things, and inner child is there too. And I am sad that I spent so much of my younger life insane with frustration, pain and anger. Explosive anger that almost always got me in jail, even landed in jail when I was maybe 45 or so. The police were real nice about it, they kept telling me I didn't have to go if I did or said something, except my stubborn streak came in and it wouldn't let me do what they said to keep me from going. I don't think I even listened or if I did, I didn't consider all the options. I have struggled with everything since I went to public schools. I would have faired no better if I had gone to private schools. I probably would have been on a slow burn there too, except they would likely have kept me longer to keep the money rolling in from my parents. There was a point my father wanted to send me away to military academy! That would have changed everything or made it turn over much faster. It is what it is. I am who I am from the forming I received in my earlier life. It is at the core of my process, but change is also taking place and I am grateful for the ability to look into changing.

I resist change as much as anyone. There is a difference though it seems to me. Some of us recognize that change is inevitable and we must help ourselves along this path toward the ultimate change of our spirit leaving our bodies.What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-71075163729362925192013-11-30T11:45:00.001-08:002013-11-30T20:59:04.821-08:00Mourning the passing of my cat JerkyNot much to write here. Lots of thoughts, missing my cat. Lot's of death in the last 1 1/2 years as my sister MFC pointed out when we spoke today.

Going to pal around with a friend and Shut up and Eat! SE Gladstone and SE Cesar Chavez.

Got to go, go, go! Am

PM Took a hot tub at a place I was checking out 7 years ago, before I even moved here. Thing is, never went there for one reason or another. Sometimes it takes an event that is devastating to our emotions to make a course correction. I have been making some minor course corrections. Putting Jerky down, caused an intense pain and although I was expecting it, the momentary suddenness of the event yesterday took me off guard. Here and not here, my little fluffy ball of full is now a cold lifeless body. Something we are become eventually. Our spirit goes out when our life ends. I am surprised her spirit hasn't come to visit. We were together for 10 years. I never punished her, she had me under her paws. I was slave to her, willingly, sometimes I wished I wasn't, but knowing that day would come eventually and then loving her. Loved her.

Part of the discussion I had with the vet was I wouldn't do this to my mom, felt my own mortality, wouldn't want anyone to put a needle in me and take my live. We are survivors, fighters as was Jerky. Jerky was a survivor. She had survived whatever it was that she lived in before she moved to CA. She survived the woman who gave her up, who was to young to have developed feelings for her cat that I found for her cat. She survived her ailing health. She was beginning to suffer and I couldn't let her suffer her failing body, her failing bodily functions. I couldn't let her and so gave my permission for the vet to inject her with first the powerful sedative, which I think actually slowed her down so much, that just a drop of the other powerful drug, stopped her heart. I was holding her when she stopped breathing. I new even before the vet listened for her heart. I knew and still know the pain of losing her. That pain is probably compounded by my guilt for taking Busters life, by my own mothers death in April. My own mortality and what is my purpose? What have I accomplished? It doesn't seem like much now. Will it seem like much later, not likely. I won't be being so hard on myself. I won't be as grief stricken as I feel now. I wouldn't dare write this on Face Book, I am not so secure in feeling about writing it here, but wtf. I really don't care. I haven't seen my work associated with anything. It is just writing.

it is what I have been doing to sort out my feelings when I get really down. Down. Tomorrow I will straighten up and take care of getting rid of some of Jerky's other things. I already took her food and water bowls out. Next her cat little boxes and the big red carpet that kept her from totally ruining the wood floor in this small space. I have another carpet that is smaller I will install.

And then Monday, back to work. Back to the job that wants us to believe everything is as it was before we left for TG break. Not the same. We'll see how it goes. We are going to have some weather this winter, I think it will snow a bunch, even in the valley. It will certainly snow up in the West Hills. I did last year, the year before and the year before that. It snows up there even when it doesn't snow down here. That is enough for this. I published time originally was 11:45 am about 24 hours after I took my sick cat to the vet. Took me 24 hours to write something about my feelings more than the shallow entry put on FaceBook, to let my friends know.
What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-26715680878194147342013-03-23T10:46:00.001-07:002013-03-23T10:46:26.472-07:00Always a challenge to follow through on ideasEach time I think of a plan of action it goes by the wayside. It is not uncommon to compare this feeling of not being able to follow through with 2 steps forward, 1 step back. A common trait of being human and interacting with all the thoughts flowing through each and every one of us to some degree or another. I was coming here to work on my latest incarnation of a book I am supposed to be writing, but decided to work on it off line in my word program. Decisions with me are at best impulsive, making my job as a school bus driver easier than if I had no impulsivity like some. Trying to get my assets lined up and using them is more difficult than I had imagined.

I am learning a lot about patience and working towards goals, something that impulsive people get frustrated with, at least this one does. So with that small entry, adios' and until we meet again. :)What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-25259838010053542012013-02-16T17:17:00.001-08:002013-02-16T17:17:28.514-08:00I started a new blog, the abyssI started another blog, the abyss. It is my second jump into the deepest and darkest of thoughts and expressions. I will, I hope to, I can't remember, I don't hear to well, I hear to much but it is all without the filters others have.

I can't was my early mantra because I would get so frustrated with all the inputs into my brain that I couldn't function even with the simplest of actions. Then I would say, "I can't!" People used to say things like of course you can, now try. They didn't know, I couldn't tell them and even if I did tell them, they weren't hearing what I said.

I continue to relive moments from my past because that is the way my brain works. My brain throws out memory bites of the past and that part of my recollection is as though it were a moment ago. On another note, I don't recollect what I read, what I watched, what you said, what I said. It is the way I am and I have been living with this way for at least 58 of my 63 years of age. I am trying to navigate around it because my condition causes me to blurt out inappropriate expressions from my past, appear not to be paying attention, distractions. I am bored here writing about this because I write about it over and over. I don't seem to make much head way with writing it down and moving on.

I'm planning on going to the gym tomorrow. I am starting slow and working into a routine. I have to go at actions slowly, work into them or I get fearful or bored or self conscious. Part of my on going issues are low self esteem from all the abuse I got as a kid mostly from my dad, from gym class and the punks who used to beat me up there. That is my old gym fear. And the coaches.

Now the gym is a completely personal experience. It is something I am doing for myself, to feel better and I do. I get the endorphins and they add to my confidence, my self esteem. Ah, you say, you are 63 and you should be over that. Those are all things we grow out of. I think there are people who don't grow out of a lot of things that happened in their past. We can replace the bad feelings with better feelings and those better feelings will shine over the old feelings and that is how we survive.What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-18684387828450272612012-12-31T09:20:00.000-08:002012-12-31T09:20:04.353-08:00365 or 366 days ago and onward from there I must note, that if you read my writing on occasion you will notice that it is not very organized. I jump all around with it. I heard once that a real writer will organize what they intend to write, editing all in their heads before putting it to words in a document. I'm not like that at all and for a long time considered that I was not a real writer. Unpublished, barely considered, but a writer no less. What I am attempting to point out here is that although I am not an organized writer, I am not an organized anything. Not an organized mechanic either. This is what this is about, plus what happens because of circumstances of a person who is unorganized doing the best he can with what he has. I have gone bak and reviewed some of my other writings on this subject and it looks like I didn't give as many details about this situation.

On Dec. 30, 2011 I was trying to determine what was wrong with my van. It had died at the auto parts store and wouldn't start again. I couldn't get it going, so I called the two company and had it towed to the front of the house I lived in at the time. Not my house, if it was, I would have put it in the driveway.

I didn't do the things I should have to determine what was wrong with it but decided it was the fuel pump. I ordered a used one and it had to come from Salem. I proceeded to block the tires and jack the van up off the ground. At the time I only had two jack stands and decided that the back would be jacked up because the drain for the fuel tank was in the front area of that tank.

Having accomplished the jacking and putting stands under the support points I got the drain pan and proceeded to drain the nearly full tank of fuel from my van. This was not a very well planned project on my part obviously if I had a nearly full tank of gas. I had never attempted to do this particular job on any vehicle, but had the maintenance manual guiding me along.

I didn't make a tool list and bring all the tools I thought I would need on this job up from my basement room where they were living along with my cat and I. I had brought tools I thought might be needed, but overlooked some and hence made a couple of excursions back into my basement room to retrieve more. It had been raining out earlier and was on and off through out the day. Swell, rain, cold and laying down in the street under my precariously looking jacked up van draining gas and loosening holding straps and all. In order not to tramp through the house with wet feet I opened up the side entrance and used the back door that leads to the stairs that go to the basement.

As the fuel continued to drain into the containers I had lined up for that task I went to the house to make another pot of coffee. I went to the back door entrance and wiped my feet good on the rug I had there for that purpose. I made the pot of coffee and drank a cup. Then I went back out to the van and the flow of gas had stopped. It took me about 2 hours to drain all of that without spilling large quantities on the street. I inspected the tank and there was an extension to my ratchet wrench that I needed and I proceed to go back to the rear entrance and back to the basement tool box. I stepped inside the door, wiped off my feet and took 2 steps down the stair and then I lost my footing and there was a huge pain in my right knee! I described it to people as 15 on a scale of pain 1-10. This must have been the one of the worse pains I have ever felt. Time was suspended with me hanging in the air and then just as unexpectedly gravity to over and I was laying on my back on these hard concrete stairs with a huge pain in my right knee. When I was able to get back my senses other than the pain, I realized I was in trouble, big trouble!

I had to get myself upright and continue down the stairs. I had to find something to help me walk and found it as a bamboo staff that I had hanging around having found it on my school bus route. Then I had some assistance walking, but my knee was really painful. I got a couple of slats of plywood I had accumulated from projects and made a splint and wrapped these with duct tape on the outside of my pants to keep my knee supported. I had to go back up the stairs and that was extremely difficult and painful now having a useless right leg that was now immobilized by a splint. 9 steps to the top, slowly.

Once upstairs had to put all my tools into the van, lift my 60 pound floor jack into the van and generally clean up my mess. That took about an hour or so it seemed. I still had to figure out how I was going to get to the doctor. This was serious and needed some attention from medical professionals. I noticed my neighbor two doors away and hobbled over to him and asked him if I could get a ride to the clinic.

I got the ride and then a ride home from another friend and my landlord made a detailed incident report. He was very annoying taking an hour and a half to write down all that had taken place, trying to cover his ass for the situation, suggesting reasons for me slipping on the substandard stairs that we had discussions about in the past. He tried suggesting that I stepped in some gas and that I was at fault for the whole thing. I was just like in an auto accident, not admitting fault. He was grilling me and I told him a couple of times he was asking for to many details and working on to many assumptions. I should have just told him I'm sorry, I fell and the pain in my leg is tiring me out. You have the general picture of my situation. You see he is a manager in a production company and feels that he had to get all the details, get me to admit to some fault perhaps so if I sued him, he would have my statement from the day of the accident to refute anything I might say later down the road.

I had friends who advised me to sue his ass, take his house etc. I am not like that, I was just hoping his home owners insurance would cover my medical expenses and my loss of work wages. I found out later the insurance doesn't cover that. He would need to have another policy, a business policy because he was renting to me. Of course, it was essentially an illegal rental situation and I was shit out of luck. He did admit 50% responsibility, but in his way of thinking my 50% cancelled out his 50% and he didn't owe me shit. I'm sure his friends and family are telling him he is lucky that I was so dumb for not suing his ass. I already told him at some point that is not who I am. It is important to me to be who I say I am and not change my mind. I did go to a mediation service who essentially told me I would have to get him to come in too. I decided, since I was still living there that I didn't want to make it more uncomfortable by getting him to take time away from his time to haggle over him compensating me for some of my costs. That was what was suggested by my sisters. After hobbling around town seeing people I decided it was more trouble than it was worth in stress.

Today, on the last day of a rather tough year, I have regained about 85-90% of the use of my right knee. It will likely never be 100% of what it was, but I am now walking with more stability than I had up until about July-Sept. of this year.

My living situation changed back in Oct. when I moved back to SE Portland renting space from some friends. It is rough, but way better than I was doing a for the previous 2.5 years. Onward to the next year, another birthday. Going to be 63 in 30 days, oh woot! I hope that the President will address climate change and end all war that USA is involved in! No more drone strikes, no more polluting fossil fuel companies, no more rain forest devastation! No more plutocracy, back to democracy!

What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-31312149804520205782012-11-11T21:40:00.001-08:002012-11-11T21:40:27.025-08:00This might just be to personal, but so what?I'm sure I've been in love in the past. In the not to distant past as well. I've never known how to qualify love, having not understood exactly what it was. One of the age old questions is how to define love. Those who are in love, fallen or grown into it don't seem to find the need to have it defined. Those of us who are or may not have been and lost it seem to keep seeking it out perhaps. Some of us don't.

Some of us just remain isolated not know that the love has always been in our hearts. It was put there before we were born. Being born is a shocking experience for many of us and we lose track for a while. Some of us grow up into households that don't know about love and ours is pushed way down. Some of us are nurtured and we know what love is.

Sharing love is the tough part I believe. I am sure I was in love in my 20's with a woman who shall remain anonymous. At least, I thought it was love. But how could it have been, when she just thought of me as a friend. I was infatuated for sure. I remember calling out her name when I thought I was going to die the second time.

I made a vow when I was 12 to never get married and have children and kept true to that vow. Maybe I cursed myself and that is part of why I never did. I never felt responsible enough to barely care for myself, let alone another person or two. I have always felt immature and as though my peers were growing up and I was still 12 years old, except my body was aging, but my mind didn't feel older. When I was around people my age or a little older, I had no confidence and that really was part of the problem, then the lack of focus was a huge issue and it was compounded by drinking. But the worst part was my confusion and chaos that circulated in my head.

My mind is still giving me that same old story, but it has aged, now it is thinking like I should have been thinking at 32. I am 62 and here is what I wrote about that the other day on a napkin no less:

It is obvious to others from my grey beard, wrinkles and age spots, I am an old guy. It only became obvious to me when I turned 60 & 2. Years later and still resisting age in my mind. This is probably something we all experience. I am no different in that respect. Of course, who can say what my chances of companionship are, because that is really all I am after for the most part. I am not really looking for it. My thing is to become infatuated with someone who is not available either by distance or emotionally or something. Infatuation, imagination something else we all share. And can someone at my age actually find a person who is attractive to more than my retirement account? That is an issue. Can we just be friends, without fear of becoming to close or to distant? Can we let the guard that surrounds our hearts down a little to actually take a risk.

You see my 32 year old brain doesn't really look closely at me and when I go shopping for instance and a young woman smiles at me, it is my 32 year old who is flattered and I am now learning that she could be smiling because I am an aging old guy who might have once been 32 but I am not going to ask her out or for her phone #. That happened yesterday and I discussed it with my male friend who was shopping with me. I said she could have been smiling for the stated previous reasons and because she saw my long hair and that I was with someone that I am not just a boring old guy, but one who has been pushing against the system for longer than she has been on the planet. I am not interested in a woman who is half my age. I have nothing to prove nor the retirement account to put on a flashy front. I am just a guy who never figured out until the last 20 or so years what my relationship with the rest of the world is supposed to be like.What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-61712559486731615702012-11-11T20:59:00.001-08:002012-11-11T20:59:08.233-08:00This is actually something I wrote to a woman I was dating back in 2001(I met this woman through on line dating service. We dated, that is to say, we had phone conversations, met for dinners and had conversations. That is as far as it went. We would meet in Petaluma which was about 1/2 the way between where we both lived. I think we stopped because of the distance.)

Woman of the universe, strong, vibrant, full of energy and love. You are a scintillating star. I've been attracted by your energy. I can feel the heat that emanates from the burning fires in your heart, the center of your essence. I have been traveling for eons through the vastness of space, cool crystals of frozen water, a shooting star, explosive with a twinkling brilliance. I gather my energy from the surrounding space. In this time and existence, I hope we can both grow in strength and spirit and benefit from the knowing existence of each other.

What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-59648439462896313222012-11-11T19:39:00.001-08:002012-11-11T19:39:45.853-08:0011-09-2012 (My Sister's 54th Birthday)
This is not about my sister MCC though, just random ideas, thoughts and it happens to be today, her birthday.

Probably a few months ago I said I was going to stop washing my hair with shampoo or perhaps not washing it altogether. Well, I have been washing it with water only and then once in a while, when it feels right, use conditioner on it. It is working out well. I mean, why use shampoo that strips ones hair of all it's natural qualities generated by our bodies that are better balanced to handle our hair issues?

I was thinking about what our relatives of not so long ago and how they washed their hair without all the modern marvels that are now available to us through consumerism and advertising by those who are pulling on our strings? How indeed? Some of the daily chores of being a human are likely lost to those of us who are walking similar paths. There are plenty of lessons I did not hear or ask questions about when growing up. Plenty of practical questions that went unasked and unanswered!

That was short, I have just revisited and reread it. Can't add much more should send it on it's way into cyber-publication. Today is 11/11/12What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-35524171510520485342012-11-10T10:24:00.000-08:002012-11-10T10:24:50.817-08:00Changed this post to more ramblings.....and the continuing Chaos.I used to just write whatever I was thinking, still do sometimes. Then some said why do you write that way and I had to look it up. I have to look up almost everything many times. It took me 30 years to figure out the keys to learning the difference between using the waxing and the waning moon. Waxing means it is getting bigger, like applying wax to your table, you increase the shine and protection, putting it on. Waning is the opposite and therefore it is getting smaller, dimmer, less shiny. It took me 30 years to figure that out. It took me into my 60's to know the kind of writing I do. I didn't learn the types of writing in the writing classes I took back in the 1990's. Of course, I just wrote, read a couple fo books and wrote. The 40 year old in classes with very young people. I am attempting to use html language again to post this link to wikipedia. Let's see if it works.
 Stream_of_consciousness_(narrative_mode)

Well, it didn't work and I could get all hung up on trying to make it right, but my link will get you to wikipedia and then you can enter stream of consciousness into the search field. With this partial entry, it is almost a reflection of how I think, which is what I have been struggling with all my life. I struggle with my thinking because it is partially complete and I am left with a lot of dead ends, like incomplete sentences. When I don't think about what I am writing, which was my initial writing technique I have a lot of incomplete or run on sentences. It is tapping into my process. It is why I took touch typing so many years ago, because I couldn't write fast enough to get all my thoughts out. Driven by frustration and desperation, I took typing so that I could write more effectively for myself. Sometimes it seems to me or has seemed to me in the past that if I can just purge myself of all these transient thoughts I could think more clearly. That is not what turned out to be the case. Now, I feel less motivated to write, but have to do what most writers do, take breaks. I read once and it kind pissed me off that good writers will compose the whole book in their head, organize it and then write it. Pissed me off, because I very little ability to gather my thoughts and put them in order. Sometimes I tell people the inside of my van which if more often than not unorganized, a pigs stye sans the mud is a direct reflection of the inside of my brain.

Also, jumping from one topic to another, a symptom of my disjointed thinking. The chaos and confusion is a reoccurring theme in my writing because it has played a main part in my inabilities to communicate effectively throughout my life.

Here's how it is with me. I'm 62 years old and when I was growing up my thinking was damaged. I dont' know when it was damaged, perhaps in the forming of my brain, something went arye When adults tried to fit me into their way of thinking and I couldn't do it, I would say I can't do it. Then they would say sure you can, just apply yourself, I would try again and fail and say I can't do it. Can't do it was my growing up mantra. By refusing to further attempt to perform whatever task they requested of me, I was put in the trouble maker box. He can't do it because he choses not to attempt it. The thing is, I couldn't do it because I couldn't visualize or imagine it! Their inability to see my frustration and road blocks was either a system wide failure such as funding or training or whatever agenda the school system operated under at the time.

My ability to conceptualize is almost non existant. Today, I am attempting to reconstruct my bed frame, one that I designed and built in place at the North Portland residence initially, deconstructed it and transported it to SE and have attempted to reassemble it. I marked all the pieces and of course, marked them over markings from initial assembly. Good God, no wonder I struggled so with it, but that is not all, I just struggled with it. I did take it with a sense of oh well, before I got to upset with my own inabilities. I took it into my room to finish it and found part of my problem was left outside because of uneven ground. I was using shims, but a more level surface helped me finish my task.

My struggles, because I process how I think it should go, but when I execute, something goes wrong and I don't pay as close attention as I should and it doesn't go together right! I remember similar times when working on various car projects, taking something apart and not getting the whole picture and putting it back together wrong and then having to do it again and again, until at some point the switch goes off in my head and Oh, now I see! All this takes a heavy toll on my confidence! I don't have the confidence that others have and am hesitant to jump into a large project on my own. This is important to me because I am considering and planning a large project. Probably the largest project of my life other than going back to school and earning my aviation maintenance licenses! That was a project I could attempt because it was already set up, structured in a community college setting. That was a huge undertaking for me, going back to school and it started shortly after I got cleaned up. I have issues around school from the past, but those melted away, but not at first. With my aviation licenses I really wanted them. I wasn't apparently going to let anything stand in my way. When I was in my second year, my truck was stolen and I got on the bicycle and started riding to school being about 3 miles away and work about 4 miles. I was going to school and working like so many of my peers and at 48 years old. See how I got distracted by that and wandered off. That happens all the time.

It is similar today and although I have been able to identify my behavior challenges, I still practice the wrong ones. When I worked on the line on airplanes others could see some of my challenges and gave me jobs that didn't require to much visualization.

But what I am talking about here. What indeed, ramblings. I got back here after reading about Neil Young's latest Album a 2 CD set in the Rolling Stone #1169. The title is Fuzz and Fury on Planet Neil. In the article Neil says he writes songs "to make sense of my inner rage." This simple statement struck a chord with me. My inner anger is deep seated and as I stated before somewhere, may have actually published it here. I have always had an affinity for Neil and will probably purchase something of this latest two albums since they were done with his often used band Crazy Horse. I am wrapping this up because I can always add, but I must move it along. I have several drafts that I keep getting distracted away from and the words keep coming. I need to do tasks in the real world with one of my pals.What, Who, When? http://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-24192397714305766122012-10-28T11:07:00.001-07:002012-10-28T11:07:08.511-07:00trying to get the full and complete picture or the whole ball of wax! It is Sunday morning and I have been listening to and viewing You Tube video's from Carl Perkins 25 year reunion with friends to Johnny Cash that was shown on BBC 2004, wow!

What do I have in common with musicians other than being human beings and having a set number of days from birth to death. I look at where I have been in confusion all my life, up to and including now. The past was always confusion and I had no idea really of the complete picture. I had glimpses of being 70 years old and flashing back and forth from then to the past in my 20's. I often felt I was telling someone the story of my life and my reality was 70 and the past was like a dream. My past was a dream and a nightmare.

I struggled just like many young people struggle and I didn't find the key to the complete picture until I stepped into the idea that I could get an idea and follow it. The idea was to appreciate what I have now and how to be grateful, to turn away from the negative impulses I had been living with for so long. Each of us must find balance and it takes some of us longer than others, that's for sure. I am still out of balance but a lot closer to feeling equal with all part of my personality and parts of my life. I am still living in confusion and chaos, because it just doesn't go away. I have learned I can take other actions than the out of balance ones.

I don't warm up to everyone and they don't warm up to me, but I am still pursuing the notion that I was taught long ago by my parents, not to judge a book by it's cover. I am doing that by pushing against the expected societal norms with the initial actions that I used long, long ago. I am growing my hair, now for a little over 3 years, from a very short buzz cut to now much longer. I was imagining growing it for 5 years. Often in the past someone would say something to me and I would get pissed off. Someone would say you are a throw back to the past with that long hair and I would resort to self destructive behavior and cut my hair thinking I would show them, but that would only affect me deeply. That impulsive behavior was often my down fall.

I have learned now after driving a school bus for 5 + years to temper my impulsive nature a little. I have been learning through this important driving that which is associated with getting some patience. I believe that patience is a quality that is talked about in our society, but is not given that much weight. We are living and have been living in a society that tells us quick, quick, hurry up and you can have it now. It is a societal norm, but a false image that has lead many of us down the wrong path. It has taken me a long time to figure out what I want to do with my life. It has taken me many inventories and assessments of what have I done the most of in my life. The answer has been to write. I have done writing the most of anything. I discovered this a couple of years ago, but have not been able to organize my writing to any great extent. I was thinking this morning again what I need more to do is transcribe my past writings and put them into the electronic media and go from there. This is almost more of my journal of what I want to do, but it is all connected.

All of this is part of my inability to stay focused on my own time. That time without the structure of a project that has an important role in my life. I am planning a large project, but have some smaller ones that have lost my attention and I need to get back on track. And so it goes. I am nearing that time when I may live to 70 years of age. Just 8 years away and what will I have accomplished? That is a question many of us ask ourselves as we come closer to the ends of our lives than the beginnings.
What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-62622741438538814482012-10-21T15:22:00.001-07:002012-10-21T15:22:36.348-07:00I will admit here some of my true feelings...and what I am working on with my personality etc..Feelings are just to personal to admit many of them to unknown people who might be reading my blogging. Although I admit to having feelings, I don't want to say to much about the ones I have. I am trying to find words to admit to my feelings of wanting companionship. I get crushes on different women, but the problem with those crushes is who I get crushes on. Usually women who are unavailable in one form or another. And this I see as a pattern of behavior on my part. It is either women who are unavailable or women who I thought I could influence to change just a little to better suit me. This is one of my oldest issues I think and spitting it out here, might help me with it.

I identified it many years ago, but allowed other distractions to keep me plodding along that same path of dysfunction. It is dysfunction to imagine finding a partner which is to good to be true etc. For instance I moved to Portland after having looked up an ex-girlfriend from the past and reconnecting with her. I thought we could take a stab at becoming friends since our relationship in the past was very physical and short lived, but it didn't work out for various reasons which I am not going to go into. It was as much my issues as it was hers. I will only take about 50% of the blame for that. And that is growth because I used to say break ups were all my fault having a guilt/martyr personality brought on by years of abuse by others and self abuse with drugs including alcohol.

Having crushes on people is not necessarily a bad thing. It is what we do with them that makes it or breaks it so to speak. I had a crush on a woman who has actually been one of my long time friends. She told me so long ago that she wasn't looking to date me when I had misread that about her.

It is tough being a loner and I have been one most of my life. I have had some relationships, some good some not so good. I am not out there trying to find any more from the past, although, one woman contacted me a couple of years ago and broke my heart pretty badly. It took me about 2 years to figure out what really happened and all the while not blaming either of us for what took place. My feelings around that have changed. My feelings are that she was revisiting me because we had known each other 20 odd years about and been attracted, and I made an impression on her but she was in a relationship at the time and couldn't pursue me. And my theory is 20 years later, she is developing another relationship with someone else and it looks like they are going to be life long partners and she wants to see what it would have been life with me before following through with the other person. I am thinking I was like her little fling before her marriage kind of deal. And that's about what it was. She completely fooled me into deluded thinking by taking advantage of her knowledge of human nature of men and I saw red flags and ignored them. This is all my own conjecture because she would never talk to me about it. She dropped me like a hot rock into a cold pond and the shock! I struggled with my own strong feelings for that that two years.

I am now healed, but also know of my desires and have to watch out for how I feel. Guarded. This is what happens to many of us who have been hurt. But they say, that we must risk all for love and be willing to and know that balance is always going to take place. The greatest of loves often brings us to the greatest of pain. We can endure it and learn from it to as I have. I have learned a lot more, but I still get crushes. I am writing about them now because I wish not to act on another crush with anyone who is not willing to be honest about their feelings too. I am trying to curb my actions about chasing unavailable women with my writing of this. It is primarily for me, but exposing it to whomever is somewhat cathartic for me and really enhances my belief that I can not act on feelings I might have in the form of crushes.

Finally, i am distracted regularly. But it is not by relationships or crushes, it is because of who I am and how I think. I was tested for this because it was a problem for me when I was working on airplanes back then 10 years ago. However, I do want to mention there has been woman who I met about 2.5 years ago in front of the house in N. Portland who I got to talking with back then. I got her phone number and called her a couple of times and she was interested in doing anything on a social thing. Then about a year ago, she friended me or I her on Face book. That was all Ok, but she didn't post much, but looked at my pages regularly. Then when I had my accident in Dec. of last year, she was right there, giving me a ride out of nowhere it seemed and was offering to take me places. When I took the ride from her, I had my whole right leg in a plastic splint and leaned over towards her and made a Jeffrey comment such as "uh oh, got to put my head in your lap to get in the truck" and that just freaked her out, thought she was going to leave me there in the rain! I tried to say I was just kidding around. She was fragile and because of it somewhat skittish. That was a red flag for me and I didn't call her for any rides even though she offered. I kept to myself because she kind of freaked me out. We texted and sent messages on FaceBook but that was the extent of it for months, but at some point I figured out she was not healthy and I needed to let it go. In late Aug. after not contacting her at all she called me on the phone and asked to borrow $50.00 because she had an issue and screwed it up. I said that she probably could use $100 and arranged to loan it to her for a week. We met in NE Portland and she was exclaiming how she had a revelation when her cat died. She was dressed up all in a skirt and tank top which was completely different from anything I'd ever seen her wear. We had tea not far from her apartment and then she invited me over and inside and was very hospitable. I gave her the money and she was talking about having me over more etc. I was thinking something isn't right here. I told her I knew she was busy and left, but not before she had suggested giving me a key, which really threw up flags and suggesting I come over when she wasn't there etc. She also told me some other things and I left thinking well maybe she has changed or she has split personality disorder. That is more likely the case. I have been with someone who has split personality disorder and this person was acting close to that other person so long ago. The week went by with her texting me from work etc. She had already in the past told me not to text her at work, but she was initiating it and so I did. Finally, about 1 day before she was to pay me back, she texted me and said she was upset with me for violating her space at work by texting her. When we agreed to meet, I set it up for a park and she brought me the money and I asked her if she was throwing me under the bus and she exclaimed I had been doing just that to her all week. And she told me how upset she was, how she had been abused enough by others and was not taking it from me, gave a hug and left. Holy Shit! The bomb went off and I knew, I was not going to make an effort to contact her again ever. I deleted her phone # from my phone and any record of it. I then unfriended her on Face Book. It took about a month before she contacted me having noticed she couldn't read my pages anymore asked me if I unfriended her on face book as though nothing had happened before. I wrote her back and said yes and said even though we had both tried to establish a friendship, it was not working.

I told her we are both good people but being friends with her was not going to happen. I think I handled it pretty well and that is likely what lead me to write all this because I finally making sense of my life after living for 62 years. I still can't believe it! 62, bouncing between that age and probably about 32 in my head and heart. Much of what I thought aging was about didn't really start to gel until this year. Aging and age are not as important as some other aspects of being human. So, crushes on women, I probably still get them but my age and experiences are starting to weigh in on how I act around them.What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-5664326336816782982012-09-15T17:47:00.004-07:002012-09-15T17:58:13.487-07:00My system is once again corrupted, I did it myself, confusing, like stabbing myself in the foot!
this piece is from my original Journal Space blog back in the day.

"Well, how do you suppose this self preoccupied state of being came about? And how do we tactfully bring it to others attention? My answer is that we can lead by our actions. The United Way and another group have been broadcasting public service announcements recently on adults teaching children things like counting, how things work while driving in their cars for instance and then someone will cut them off and out comes some yelling. The message is that children are always learning and adults are always tea ˇching whether we are aware of it or not. People have learned behaviors and it is our responsibility to continue to learn or fall into regression."

It reminded me of something I see regularly that disturbs me. I drive by a preschool quite regularly. It is on a busy street near where I live and in the middle of the block between to traffic light controlled intersections with crosswalks. When adults are dropping off children I observe them regularly crossing directly opposite the preschool, from between cars, holding the hand of the child, sometimes darting across oncoming traffic.

What are they thinking? It takes to much time to walk down the street 100 feet to the controlled intersection, press the button, wait the 60 seconds at the most for the signal to change, cross the street, walk an additional 100 feet to the preschool and all the while this would implant a strong message to the child, a learned behavior to cross safely. Of course, that is not all of it, the adult would then have to walk back to the signal, wait another 60 seconds, cross the street and walk another hundred feet to their car. I suppose that less than 5 minutes they save is a considerable time saver for them.

On the other hand, let's cross without the advantage of the crosswalk. Most of the people driving down the street are in a hurry, because they are going to work or they have many important things to do that day and they could be trying to save time by talking on their cell phone or making an arrangement for something else, some impo rtant activity that needs to be planned with the time they are saving, the wasted time of driving.

Teleportation would be to good for us, think of all the time we could save between destinations or the time lost for planning important activities.

So, what happens with all these people saving time?

What happens is that the law of averages will catch up to someone sooner or later and a tragic, avoidable accident will happen. Someone will accidentally hit one of these, time saving adults, who is quite possibly holding the hand of a loved child and no one will save time. Everyone will lose some time and something else.

 Someone will call paramedics, the fire dept., the police. All activity in the vicinity will come to a standstill, and even then it will seem like time is lost -or some how bent badly out of shape, except for those directly involved. Adults will be asking how could this have happened, several people will lay blame on the driver who after all was saving time while driving. Maybe someone will get it and discover that all of us need to stop blaming and take responsibility?

It is my intention to bring this issue to the attention of the preschool so that they can bring it to the attention of the adults that the little time they are saving could be costing someone's life in the future.

Don't picture me a saint. It took me quite a long process to figure out what I could do to influence these other people without alienating them. At first when I observed it happening, I thought what is wrong with these people? They are putting their children at risk, for what, 2 m òinutes, 5 minutes? What Idiots! That was my thinking. How many times did I have to think What Idiots before changing my own behavior? I don't know, but I stop at a store 1 block from this preschool often and make a point now of going to the signal and crossing. I've gone as far as timing the distance to the signal, to the store and back to my vehicle and therefore know the length of time is insignificant. There is no excuse for not changing our behavior when our behavior puts others or ourselves in jeopardy.

If I blurted out to them while holding the hand of an impressionable child "What is wrong with you, putting your child at risk crossing the street unprotected?" That would be exactly what they are saying in the United Way Public Service Announcement. That our children are learning from us all the time and not only would they learn to cross the street unprotected, but they would learn from me to to a Élienate others by being loud and abrasive.

That is behavior that I used for many years to do exactly that, keep people away from me. I have been consciously making small changes in my thought processes for 20 years now.

You may think, only 20 years? Where have you been? I've been to hell, lived there for while and I don't want to go back. This is why it has taken me so long to get where I am mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

My downward spiral took years and once I was started I had tunnel vision, no one could grasp how bent on self destruction I was, not even myself, I was the worst. The lies I told, well I was the biggest believer. Most people could see through my lies rather quickly, but nothing could be proved since I refused to admit anything. The lies I told myself started out innocently enough and they compounded so often and so long that I created my own reality which had little to do with my surroundings.

I'm not going any deeper with this now. I've been and I'm where am now. I am not saying I'm back, because I'm not sure I was ever here in the first place.

So, I cross at crosswalks when available. I stop for pedestrians at crosswalks, and slow down for ones who are crossing streets regardless so that I have better chance of stopping if for some reason they don't see me coming, maybe they are looking at the speeding car and not seeing me. I actually had windows open the other day driving slowly up the main thorough fare of the neighboring city and some people were about 40 feet from the crosswalk, traffic was dense and slow and as I passed them I called out, not exactly a shout, quieter than that, "why don't you use the crosswalk?" and as I looked in my mirror, they stepped back onto the sidewalk and headed that 20 feet to cross. I know that is not the way to effect change, but and it did work momentarily.

Another subject/topic:

This is about myself, my challenge with the way I think that has been labeled as ADD/ADHD. I have known there is a name for the way I think for about 5 years. I discovered it in October 2000 while visiting my sister in Florida. I wonder how much longer it would have taken had I not gone there and picked up that book that I saw on her coffee table? How much longer would I have cart wheeled through life, continually in a state of spin, confusion and chaos and not even aware that there were others like me, because I was unaware. Discovery, awareness, acceptance, don't know the exact order that these things have been taking a hold of me, that I have learned and held onto the words and the meanings, but this is where I am with it now. I consider myself in a constant flux, with one foot in my old world and the other in my new world of self discovery. I have worked through much, worked through old wounds created by my old behavior of keeping other away from me. I figured out long ago that I wasn't tough, so my defense became insanity. Convince those around me that I was crazy and that worked. Those who thought they could take advantage of me soon realized that I was crazy and should be left alone. If they attempted to interact, they soon found out that I was dangerous and maybe they were mistaken. Of course, to not lose face, they had to reinforce my behavior and shout loudly that I was crazy, or something similar.

The thing that happens because of my thinking patterns is not only is it a deficit, but there are several elements that are not mentioned in my challenged thinking patterns. Not only am I challenged by my lack of focus, but I am challenged by my intense focusing and my inability to organize my thoughts and prioritize. I am slowing learning to identify my behaviors and am slowly retraining my brain.

I can see now, right here that it is time to stop. My focus is turning to someplace else, inward and I don't want to continue to whip that dead horse. :-)

What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-75087643614131369202012-09-14T13:25:00.001-07:002012-09-14T13:25:48.618-07:00Chapter 396 the ever continuing quest for understanding myself...How long have I traveled down this path, way past understanding what the age of consent is? I never consented to much of anything when I was growing up. Rehashing the same old misunderstandings is what much of my life has been about, discovering just who I am and what I am about. Still searching for what it is that I think my purpose on the planet is. I've found a new goal, a new challenge and I am working towards it. Maybe my place on the planet is what I am now working towards, maybe it has been what I am supposed to be about all along and it has taken me this long to get to this point. That is true, it has taken me this long to get to this point in time.

I thought I knew some things back in time, but even though I did, I have forgotten them now. That is just another way of saying what Bob Dylan said long ago: "Ah but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now." Of course, I didn't really know what that meant and I am shocked that he could write that at his young age and know what it meant.

I've never known much of anything if anyone asked me. I often said I don't know, not knowing the right answer or not understanding what the question meant, I had learned early in my age to not ask questions as a self defense mechanism because when I asked people would misunderstand and I would be ridiculed, laughed at or just plain dismissed! I have never or rarely been able to organize my thoughts, which is why I started writing my thoughts as a teen. I couldn't remember from one moment tot he next what I had been thinking about and never could form a question as to why that was, because the questions would disappear from my focus faster than the blink of an eye as they say.

Not all of this is stream of conscious writing because I have been reading what I wrote and that takes some thought. But, some of what I read had to be added to and expanded and some of that was stream of conscious. Some of it wasn't. I may at some point become the writer I imagine myself to be or then again, what did I just say?

I have done a lot of things in my life, some good some not so good, but I have done one thing all along, I have survived. My conscious contribution to that survival has been somewhat mixed. There were about 2 decades I was on a self destructive bent knowing no way to stop the frustration and anger that had built up in me from my childhood! What an upper middle class kid who could have so much had anger and frustration? Must just be a spoiled brat who didn't know the meaning of privilege. Of course I didn't and more than that, had no idea of who I was or how I got there or really what life was about. My sense of self was missing. I can't even describe what it was like at this time, but I intend to and have somewhere in the past.

People are often frustrated with me, because they can't really put themselves in my shoes. My own younger sister although from the same parents has a much better handle on life than I do. She is leaps and bounds ahead of me in so many areas. Yet she is also a survivor.

The survivor instinct, the traits that cause one to push ahead are strong in me still. The hunter/gatherer parts are strong too. I have been only knowing about these parts of my make up now for about 3 years and accept them. I accept that I can not recall what happened yesterday in detail or what happened from moment to moment. I am in the moment and perhaps that is why I chose this as the Title of my blog. I recognize my in the moment attitude. It is what makes me an excellant heavy vehicle driver full of kids or young adults or even adults, because when I am driving that vehicle that is where I am. I am right there in the moment using the tools and resources I have, my inherited traits to do the job well.

Moments are why I have never followed through with jobs, careers, hobbies etc. I am typical as far as attention deficit explanations go for keeping jobs. Chances are I won't be able to finish my thoughts here either. This is just a moment and it will be lost to me. I am already losing track of my initial thoughts for writing today. And with that, I will leave it here.What, Who, When? http://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-991150774991562927.post-40698251043585481102012-09-03T19:54:00.001-07:002012-09-03T19:54:13.648-07:00Chapter 397 today 9-3-2012 What is Real?I have gone to the face book page to download my data. They say it takes time, didn't say how much time. I have photo's that I have no copies of because I took some of them with a camera that I no longer have and they went into files that I foolishly didn't back up in a computer that broke. What is real?

I then thought, Oh Flicker, that will be a file I could use and then got to thinking, thinking.

Our whole world, except for our physical world is digital. Digital is a reality that is generated by electronics and pixels and electrons, by energy we all used that has been changed from fossil fuels, water, solar and wind power in some cases. From the physics I learned in aviation maintenance I learned energy is neither created or destroyed, it only changes from one form to another. The rolling motion of a car comes from energy that is produced by the burning of fossil fuels by combustion. That combustion creates heat which produces work that pushes on pistons that turn shafts and gears and wheels. When we put on the brakes the wheels slow and that energy is converted back to heat and moves into the surrounding air and through the tires into the ground and pavement.

What the heck?! Why am I moving from one subject to another? I am working into my point of writing this entry, that is the answer.

My point is that the only real in our lives is our immediate physical presence. Those that know are saying that it is all disappearing, going into the network. There is no real except the ground we stand on when we are standing on it, but when we are not standing on it, does it exist? What is real and what is not? What does it matter if it is real or not? We only have temporary existences and we can't take it with us, come into the world with nothing and leave that way too. What is Real?

We have the Federal Reserve Bank which is not a part of the Federal Government. The FDB prints our money, controls the interest rates, and backs up the other banks. What is Real? Many of us are paid with electronic money and only get money when we go to a non human that spits money out a slot when we put in electronic data telling the computer it will link to our account in another computer network. What is real?

I think about my reality at times. A lot is happening at this point in time. I am moving, going through my material things and deciding what to keep and what to toss. I have been carting around a dresser for 40 or so years that I got from my dad's house down in CA. He got it when he bought the house. I am going to give it to Goodwill because they are just down the street. Where I am moving to has a dresser already in place, one that seems to be much nicer furniture and when move to the next after this living situation, I won't be having a dresser at all. What is real? I am looking around my living space a hole in the ground and reflecting, thinking about how it won't be real for me after the 30th of this month. I won't have to walk down the 9 short steep stairs or up them several times a day risking slipping or toe over or tripping on them ever again when I ascend and descend them. They will be in the past and to me their energy will have changed to a two dimensional thought that is waning from my own reality.

My reality is changing. Work is looming day after tomorrow, starting back up in the middle of the week is good for me having been off steady work for 2.5 months. Wow the past, how is that real? The past is energy that has changed form.

So, back to the present. My shelving that I purchased when I first moved to Portland that I used in a storage because I had to much stuff is going. I don't need it and it has served me well. I intend to mention to friends that might need it that it is becoming available. I am not ready to give up my bent wood chair that I scavenged from Oakland CA. What can I keep, what must go? What is real?

This medium here won't exist to me when I close it. It will go to the network data base and may or may not come back when I log back on. Who has a record of what is and what isn't real?

What, Who, When? http://email@example.com


text:
Ryan and I had another doctor visit this morning. We went over our "birth plan" with our doctor. And he was completely fine with what we'd decided. And he said if the hospital gives us any grief over not wanting an IV just for the sake of it, that we can have them call him to verify its ok. So that visit was a really nice confirmation that we have a great, understanding, sane doctor. Now I just hope we get him on the day and not the alternate doctor who seems a little more uptight.
Though it seems I'm roughly at the same station, effacement and dilation as before, the doctor did give me a "WHOA! SHE'S LOW" when he took his peek. He said he can't say when she'll come but when she does it is likely to be a quick delivery. So that is good news.
Sure would be nice if she'd come this weekend.
Latest Flickr Photos
Friday, October 19, 2007
38th week doc appointment
Posted by Jessica Lowe at 2:15 PM
3 comments:
- J LO said...
Loks like you moved to single digits on the countdown today!!!
- October 21, 2007 at 7:40 AM
- J LO said...
And, you got your wish. Welcome to Fay...........
Love ya,
- October 22, 2007 at 10:21 AM
Yay Fay!!!! Jess, I just saw the pics on flickr and she is BEAUTIFUL and looks like your twin! Congrats to the 3 of you!!!
- October 23, 2007 at 2:08 PM
Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)

subset: commoncrawl


text:
Baked beans and sausage pie was use by yesterday?
should be fine as long as it looks and smells as it should and it's been kept wrapped up or in airtight container. I ignore sell/use by dates because most foods are still good those dates are just ...
Read More »
What kind of beans are used to make boston baked beans?
Boston baked beans are traditionally made with navy beans. The beans are soaked overnight in water, cooked, and baked in the oven with molasses and spices.HistoryThe Native Americans were the first...
Read More »
How long should Smithfield smoked sausage be baked in an oven?
Smithfield smoked sausage is already cooked, but you can place it in a 350 degree oven for 15 minutes to warm it through. Cut up a baguette and toss with the sausage. Sprinkle with olive oil and sa...
Read More »
Peas or beans with my sausage and mash?
Ooh it's gotta be peas - they give that sweetness which contrasts nicely with the savoury sausages and the creaminess of the mash...
Baked beans?
Not too bad. Sounds tasty, you've put me in the mood for that now


text:
Date: March 5, 2017
Expired Ad
This ad expired onmore_vert
April 4, 2017 (442 days ago)
April 4, 2017 (442 days ago)
Smart Honda
Call (515) 253-3040Directions
Get directions to thisWebsite
location on Google Maps.
location on Google Maps.
Open website
in new tab.
in new tab.
The Smart Smart Program Honda Written offer in 20 minutes or less! The Show must go on. After the Auto Show, check out all the new 2017 Hondas at Smart Honda, including the completely redesigned 2017 Honda CR-V Bring in your car today and get a Smart Upgrade offer within 20 minutes or less-guaranteed! Iowa's Number one claim based on 2016 New Honda Sales per AHM Honda Hon smart Honda com 11206 Hickman Rd 515.253.3040 Des Moines, IA 50325


text:
Are you a blue pill or a red pill kind of person? To paraphrase Morpheus, I shall give you two choices:
- You take the blue pill – this blog post ends. You have a happy day without a care in the world.
- You take the red pill – you stay reading this blog post. I show you some sites that I stumbled on this year, and you see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is other people's views – nothing more.
So what will it be? The blue pill I hear? So you want a trouble-free day? I don't blame you! Sure, just click here.
- Oh, hold on. What was that? You want the red pill? OK, but it'll be a rollercoaster ride I can assure you! First of all, click here. It will show a video. Alternatively, if you prefer to read the text instead then no problem – just click here instead.
Worried now? I have to admit I was. For the past 10 or so years I've been telling Mrs Relevant the same things that are expressed in that video. However (until I watched it) I thought I was the only person who thought that way. Now that I know that other clever people thought the same way as me, I was worried.
- Fortunately, there is a fix 🙂
All you have to do is click here. Ah, that's much better – a strong and lucid argument (from a very clever blogger) as to why I've been wrong to be overtly worried for the past 10 years. I must mention this to Mrs Relevant…