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At the weekend I did a very uncharacteristic, go getter, short hop over to Italy to pack my stuff. Four years in 10 boxes. And a lot of rubbish and poor decisions being left behind… It's being shipped over now, at a very competitive rate thank fuck. So with the smallest of investments here, just plates and pots and clothes hangers, I am up and running and settled and back in a motherfucking DOUBLE BED, like the pimp ass mac daddy you know me to be. My new place is sweeter than the Candyman's jizz, it's the cat's pyjamas, the snail's lingerie. It gives the impression of a hotel room, except it has a pretty decent kitchen for making banana bread and impressing male visitors.
Now I don't know if I ever mentioned this to you before, but living in a hotel room is one of my life's ambitions. Not, as one might suppose, because of the maid service, I don't like people rooting around in my stuff and judging the odor I leave hanging in the room after spending 10+ hours ruminating in my bed. No, it's just the air of hotelishness I like. The tasteful but impersonal decor. The lack of clutter….
Maybe this is a side effect of growing up in a house of hippie style hoarders, full of dust and corners and little things collected and never thrown away and ornaments and drawers full of dead batteries and used sellotape rolls… and the spiders, oh god the spiders, the spiders that are taken to the garden by my mother and tipped out of a pint glass, presumably as a lesson to them, and don't come back now you hear? Outside the door. Fucks sake if I was a spider I would be coming right back inside to the warmth and the web I had built, and the knowledge nobody would ever kill me no matter how many times I came back.
Anyway, hotel rooms… my dream. It's a fairly humble dream, it's not "own your own island" or "live on a beach with a giant tortoise butler" or anything. Aim low to avoid disappointment. Not that that's my motto. I don't even tend to aim… I add goals in retrospect, whenver I happen to land somewhere good.
So in my room right now… my apartment… it is quite hotel-like. I have a big bed again to spread out in and hopefully soon… lure some lucky bastard back here with solid, fleshy promises. (cringe… in retrospect… I think I may have been aiming TOO low…)
It's comfy but a bit creaky, but I have a couch too so if the bed isn't much good for sexing I think the couch looks pretty good and solid. It'll be GREAT. I'm sure of it…
But before we got to this almost-sorted state… where all I await is my internet to be hooked up tomorrow and a job to maintain "the dream"… I'm workin' on it, I swear…
There's the small matter of last weekend to impart.
Last weekend. Wednesday…..
In the style of a busy and important person who laughs in the face of flight-a-phobia, I boarded a plane bound for Italy via turbulence and terrified introspection, and alighted amid the chatter of a hundred spikey haired, eyebrow-perfect teenagers.
"Che figata!" is their "cool!" and it means something like "what vagina!"
Hearing them predictably ooh and ahh and make fun of each other, I begin to bristle with anti-Italianism.
I survey my ex-patria aloof. The next five days yawn before me, wide, barren, like my vagina in 10 years if I keep going at this rate. WHY didn't I just get a two day round trip? Five whole days…. I don't want to be here. Fucking Italians…
Picturing Fabio's eager face like an NPC in some badly written game. Realise that's how I see ALL of the Italians. Like NPCs with limited dialogue. Oh my… I think that's a pretty sure sign of racism. Maybe that's how Hitler saw Jews… except, he woudln't have known what an npc was and I'm not the murdering type, if Hitler had been like me he would have just moved to a country where there were less Jews to bother him, and there would have been no nazi party at all, he would have just lived out his years moaning about the Jews and how much they annoyed him.
Anyway…. getting sidetracked. If I'm racist against Italians at least I'm not a dick about it.
To their faces.
I shudder at the thought of a pit stop with Fabio. Remember: no more of that unsexy sex. Only passionate flings where sheets become entangled around sweaty ankles and there is audible panting and gasping afterwards. His face floats before me locked in an eternal grin of non understanding. Like a dog you are not going to take for a walk today, who sees you putting on your coat.
Sorry, boy… It's not gonna happen.
Bus and train and bus, and am fined on the train because despite trying to buy a ticket on the platform, the machine wouldn't work, and I was going to miss my train so I boarded anyway and imediately found the ticket guy and informed him what happened, and of course am fined anyway. Only five euros on top of the ticket but still, it grinds my gears and cements Italy in the shrill and cold perspective I already favoured.
Ticket guy won't let me sit in first class either. Not sure why I decided to take a stand and select first class. I was grouchy and tired, I guess… I know how things work in Italy, you get fined if you don't have a ticket, that's how it always works, I was just feeling belligerent and rebellious.
"IT DOESNT WORK THAT WAY!" He repeats to me, incredulous at my audacity as I wave flimsy excuses and appeals to his humanity… Bear in mind, first class is just a slightly less worn fake leather seat than second class, but second class is pretty full and the inhabitants, my fellow plebs, are cackling and roaring and I don't want to be there with them. Not with my suitcase and Ireland-weather-layers of coat and hat and scarf, all bundled up in my arms… I would just have to sit with everything on top of me for the whole journey.
"You can't just do whatever you want!" he says, as I try the blase approach, just act as if OBVIOUSLY I have the right to be in first class… It fails, of course.
"WANT? WANT!?" I tell him.
"I didn't WANT to not be able to use the ticket machine! I didn't WANT to get up at 5am to catch a flight that would take me an hour in the wrong direction before I had to get three hours of extra buses and trains because no one flies to the local fucking airport! WANT! WANT! Don't talk to me about WANT!"
He just looks at me in confusion, and slight disgust at my making a spectacle of myself.
"I'm not drinking free champagne here, or listening to classical music! I just want a SEAT. I paid for one! This class business is ridiculous anyway…. "
He shakes his head and offers to help me find a seat in second class.
NO! THERES NO NEED! I furiously bustle away with my suitcase and winter layers and sit in the bit between carriages opposite the stinky toilet, for two hours, fuming and wishing the ticket man wasn't still wandering around, so I could go sit down in one of the many available second class seats like a good girl but keep hold of this scrap of something I think resembled my dignity.
I hadn't slept much, is my defence. There wasn't a whole lot of sense to my insisting on sitting in first class, but I seized it and ran with the stupid argument as a kind of final nail in the coffin of my Italian existence.
I didn't want to be in Italy. I imagined Irish bus and train people would have smilingly helped me on my way and there would never even BE a first class because hello? What the fuck is this, the Titanic? Can I get a seat in steerage?
I picture Dublin, a team of kindly green-clad rail employees carrying my cases for me and waving me on and making me glow with the inner light of an appreciated and non flustered woman.
In my fantasy I am wearing tan coloured world war two style dress and neat gloves and a "slick" of lipstick and carrying a hat box. In reality I am layered in jumpers, I didn't wear makeup because airport… and getting up at 5am… and my hair is unbrushed… and I'm wearing ugly worn out boots because I am going to throw them away before I leave to save suitcase space.
But just… fuck Italy. There's no humanity. I don't even know if Ireland is more human but I suspect it is. Italy's just so damned burocratic. I don't know… with my perspective, it's hard to have a good experience in Italy. I just make it too hard for myself…
I realise I have to see Andrea and go out with her… and I cringe and think of how awful it will be to revisit the scene of so many non events and waste money on drinks here. Fuck it, I have to see Andrea.
Anyway. The train journey does not actually, as I begin to fear it will, last forever. I eventually land back with my family. My apartment is already occupied with a friend of my dad's who needed a place to stay short term. So the good thing is I already have someone paying most of the mortgage, but the bad news is I don't have a place to stay! I'm on a tiny mattress in my dad's house. In the room with my little sisters. They are hugely excited. Bouncing up and down on the beds showing me new books and toys and look how far i can jump and see this new dress? And my oldest little sister whispers about a boy who likes her and makes all kinds of secretive eyebrow movements indicating we will talk properly later… And all I think in the midst of their happiness is, this is great but now how am I going to masturbate?
Five days… It aint gonna be pretty.
I spend two days in my old apartment, the new tenant's stuff in an annoying heap in the bedroom, and I immerse myself in four years of accumulated crud. Sorting things to keep, things to toss…. Ugh.
Clothes I never wore, clothes I love but had forgotten due to the sheer amount of clothes I own… shoes that need repair, boxes and boxes and boxes…
All the old papers I would throw in folders without any thought of organisation.
Photos of my wedding day. Husband looking like Latino Elvis in a hawaiian shirt. Me grinning stupidly at his side, socially awkward on my wedding day, my hair a disaster, my face pink and my legs pasty. I grit my teeth looking at those pictures but can't throw them away. I had to look shitty on my wedding day…
Those photos are doomed to float forever in the "misc" files, occasionally dredged up and cast back again with ugly memories and lurking pain.
Receipts for electronics long broken and discarded… Oh, you were still in warranty…. Shame.
Drawings my husband drew. Mostly shit, just sketches or cartoons, but all run through with his style… reminding me of the cuter drawings he gave me, of friendly dolphins or monkeys or a little baby deer with my name and an arrow pointing to it. It had long eyelashes.
I had the baby deer in my wallet but then my wallet was stolen.
I threw the drawings out but it tore at me in the chestal region.
I felt husband's eyes on me, his eyes when he signed the initial separation request… full of tears and a tiny flickering hope that I strangled with an outward display of unfeeling.
He probably thinks I'm a heartless bitch. You're fucking welcome husband. I only did that so you wouldn't have false hope and so you would be able to move on quicker and hate me. YOUR FUCKNG WELCOME.
I come across a note I left for husband one day. I drew a little pig with a curly tail, probably to soften the nagging that was to come in the note. I mean that's what I would have thought it was, nagging, because I was so wrapped up in feeling like I was in the wrong all the time.
The note, however, was as follows:
"Good morning my love! Please please please if you get a chance please fill up that hole in the bathroom where the bidet used to be… this morning I was having a shower and a cockroach came into the shower and was looking at me. It was only a little one but still you know I can't stand bugs and especially cockroaches so please if you get a chance fill that hole in because I think that's where it came from. Lots of love and call me later at work… I miss youuuuu… xxxxxxx"
Ok so aside from that I am a ridiculously pathetic sap when I am in love… grrr no more of that now… not for a while… pleeeeaaase brain don't do it to me again I can't stand myself all feeble and needy…
ASIDE from that…
I went into the bathroom and guess what? A fucking hole. He never fixed the hole. I drew him a pig and asked really nicely and I just remembered his casual reply a few days later, "the cockroach didn't come from the hole. It came in because you didn't clean the kitchen".
I root through the bin where I had gingerly placed his old drawings, and I rip them up with religious zeal. MFO ANGRY! MFO SMASH!!!! MWAAHHAHAHAHA I NEVER LOVED YOU, BASTARD!!!!
And then I get pangs again, of those big eyes all sad because I hurt him and cast him out..
Oh well.
I briefly consider keeping the note as evidence of my righteousness for future hate sessions but decide to let go and file it in "rubbish"
Almost done sorting through four years of shared memories when I come across the wedding cards.
Congrats on your wedding day! I shouldn't read inside but I have a fixation with cards, I ALWAYS open old cards and check for money. Of course there isn't money inside but what if there is? So I wind up reading a cornucopia of sweet but lately fermented and cloying wedding wishes. Long life and happiness! To many years together! On this wonderful journey in life!… Puhlease.
Fuck off.
A fleeting feeling of accusation to my family. No one thought to risk pissing me off, no one bothered telling it to me straight. My aunt was married and divorced young… she must have known…
Then I remember I am the most headstrong and stubborn person I know and there is NOTHING anyone could have said to talk me out of it. But the cards piss me off anyway…. It's TOO much sincerity and hope, it's ugly now….
My mother is the worst culprit. She's lovely in that she makes cards and collages and writes very sweet things but now, in retrospect, coming across a birthday card with a photo of me and husband where i don't even look pretty and all sorts of red cut out hearts on it is just sticking in my craw. I don't want to throw it out because my mother made it for me with love but I don't want to keep it either because as I said, I don't even look pretty in the pictures.
I lay them in the misc folder and renew the vow to myself, to stay fucking single and please next time I fall in love let it be with a rational skeptical person who can't abide sentimentality either and therefore doesn't tug it out of me….
And I'm done. Two days later, lots of crying and anger and folding clothes and making tough decisions. "BELT, I NEVER WORE YOU BEFORE WHY WOULD I WEAR YOU NOW?"
I finally lay to rest the hideous boxy houndstooth jacket I have been keeping because it is so totally brilliant for an 80s fancy dress party but seriously… I have to stop hoarding things just because they would be good for future theoretical fancy dress parties I will never go to.
And six bin liners later, and many promises to be good with my money, and I'm done.
And, just because the days are still stretching ahead, far too empty… what else will I do? I text Fabio and see if he's free this afternoon some time.. or later… before i go out with Andrea…
He's free ANY time I could possibly want. Of course he is.
I hit the city centre… my old commute… buy a quick uneccessary top in H&M, visit a colleague in another shop… my heart begins to race with the impending visit to hot barman's bar. I wonder will he be there? I wonder will he ask me something…
I pass some time chatting with an old colleague who is my dad's friend, she's partly moved into my new apartment so I explain the various quirks of my house. "Don't use the washing machine and the kettle at once. The key to the post box feels like it's going to break but it's just like that, keep pushing harder. If you need anything, the old man upstairs is a cunt but pretty obliging if there's a problem with the plumbing or whatever…"
Badum badum badum… hot barman.
I saunter down the road, smoothing my hair over… wishing I looked better, always gotta look better… I am pretty well rested and put on careful and low-key makeup so I look ok actually. I realise pathetically that I chose this outfit this morning based solely on the fact that I would be having a quick coffee in hot barman's bar.
I visit the bar. He's not there..
Ohhhh… the disappointment. I start to shake myself out of it, tell myself, look, this is stupid, it's a fucking barman who is nice to you, just chill out, be cool, have a coffee and snap out of this weird little obsession…. But then I realise that if I bring my other colleague, Gabrielle, a coffee too, then I can drop the cups back after, and have a whole other chance to see his hotness. This plan is far superior to actually facing reality and getting over my fixation so I seize it with gusto. Hooray!
I order the coffees, bring them past sexy homeless guy whose eyes I avoid as always, blushing furiously, staring straight at my two very stable coffees like I am afraid they will spill… Into my shop…
Gabrielle delighted to see me. We shoot the shit for a while, I accidentally say something like "I absolutely don't want to work in a shop again and I reckon I can get better money than just shop work in a call centre anyway… uhh I mean, eh… in Ireland that is… it's different in Ireland…" But it seems ok, or whatever… Gabrielle doesn't look offended by my put down of her lifelong profession.. outwardly anyway.
I begin to wander mentally back to the bar… mmm…. hope he's there now… ok Gabrielle, lovely to see you… must dash.
"I'll leave those back..That was so sweet of you bringing the coffee… thanks…"
Yes… sweeetttt of me…
I carry the cups back and there he is, there he is in his place of work… the epitome of all the men I have ever been attracted to… My ultimate eye candy. Mmmm….
He's wearing glasses, he looks hotter than ever… Oh my fuck… hot barman… you beautiful creature. He's so perfectly gorgeous. His hair is fluffy and soft looking. It's like a child's hair, he probably doesn't brush it or put anything in it. I wonder what it smells like. His face… he looks like he's never woken up with a hangover in his life. I bet if he woke with a hangover he would go for a hike anyway, or eat a sandwich and drink some orange juice. Inside I'm drooling….
He's so hot..
He sees me coming in all smiles and awkwardness, and leaps forward to take my tray with the cups.
He corners me… in a hazy moment I never want to end, except perhaps for it to escalate.. which it doesn't… he talks to me about Ireland, how am I doing? Am I back? Sorry to hear that… we miss you here! Your dad told us you moved away… We were sad… Are you around tomorrow? Are you coming back in to the centre before you leave?
I hadn't planned to but I grin and say maybe, I might… I mentally shift everything around, all my plans are now hot barman-centric. I WILL BE HERE TOMORROW FOR WHATEVER YOU WANT OF ME. I wonder if I come a few minutes before closing time will he ask me out for drinks?
Of course not. But still…. I wish I was staying longer… I wish I had come in sooner, fuck packing my boxes, I should have come here first…
He tells me "if you are around tomorrow we can say goodbye…"
There's nothing else to say really so I smile and smile and nod and back out of the shop clumsily and smiling and smiling and as I leave and hit the street again, the street I walked down every day… the sadness hits me, wallop, full in the face.
I haven't been sad about leaving, not until this point. That's awful.
I'm leaving my sisters, my dad, my stepmom… my home… a pretty cushy job with like no accountability….
I guess I just ignore those bigger emotions because they make me TOO sad to face.
But the first real pang of awfulness, what I'm leaving behind… it hits me now. Hot barman. I will not be seeing hot barman.
A year… a year of obsessing over his lovely face. Every. Fucking. Day…
A year of getting up in the morning and making an effort, solely based on the possibility that I might see him, and he might see me, and the desire for him to not realise what I really look like, without makeup, in normal clothes….
I mope along… filled with regret and sorrow. Imagining if only I had threatened to leave long ago, hot barman would have implored me don't leave! Stay with me and make beautiful consensual babies, and if anyone says you aren't pretty enough to be with me and my gorgeous face… well fuck them. I don't care! I won't pull an Ashton Kutcher on you in twenty years when I realise how much better I can do…
Oh and I just realised, hot barman wears glasses. SO maybe he either A) doesn't know how hot he is or B) can't see how awful my nose looks?
But there's no hope now.
STOP fucking OBSESSING ABOUT HOT BARMAN!
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
It's gone now, It's just… old habits baby.
Then I remember, I arranged to meet Fabio later at some time that suits ME.
Really don't want to see him any more. Decide I will probably make an excuse, fuck it.
I don't want to straddle his eager, horny body, held in Italian place by a purple sweatervest… and make mechanical motions that feel just… nice… No… I want to run my fingers along skin that excites me, I want to be unsure of how far I can go… I want the tickling fear that maybe I'm misreading… I want hot barman's eyes to widen as he guesses where I'm going next… I want to excite someone new… I want to taste hot barman's mouth… all soft and warm and sweet…
But stop, because I really, in truth, don't want to teach. I want to absorb… I wanna be the sexual padwan… Not bloody likely, but I imagine someone with a French-style arrogance and tremendous comfort in his naked body. Striding around like he owns the place… showing me his trophies… for bowling? No, for lovemaking… Oooh!
Sorry, the Simpsons has poisoned the groundwater… Apparently that guy Marge nearly has an affair with, is my posterboy for "more experienced man".
Hmph. Well, anyway…
Hot barman is an anomaly. It would be exciting to feel the soft, unworn, the smooth face… the hands that juggle cups and I asked him one time, I plucked up courage and said "don't you ever break them?" and he melted me with that smile and said "yeah, all the time…" and I thought OH FUCKKKK hot barman you are TOO GOOD LOOKING IT ISN'T FAIR. I will never be looked at by anyone remotely attractive, in the way that I look at hot barman. Anyone who will ever feel that way about me, I probably wouldn't like. Such is life.
Still… hopeless case or no,
I don't want Fabio and his easy agreeability.
Hot barman has ruined other men for me…. at least for tonight.
I go home with a heavy heart, have a lovely dinner with my family..
and then pile on the makeup. My littlest sister watches me in awe and approval. She loves makeup and is still young enough that no one disapproves of her smearing glittery purple around her eye area. I feel under scrutiny so I don't go too crazy with the dark eyes or anything but I think I look pretty fucking good.
On a whim… because I look sexy and hot barman is out of sight and I want,nay, need someone to approve of me…. I text Fabio. Be there in twenty.
Along the way I yo-yo from certainty that I do and certainty that I don't want to fuck Fabio.
I'm 50-50. I put on red lipstick, Chanel, and feel a little nudge in Fabio's favour. I MUST seduce somebody now that I've bothered doing red lips. It's tricky to get right….
Then I find myself at Fabio's door and I'm climbing those bastard five flights of stairs and there he is at the door to the apartment, peering down as I climb undignified and breathless, my makeup resisting poorly to the physical exertion…
I find I'm happy to see him. He hugs me and kisses me vaguely on the side of the mouth. He's warm and familiar and his presence is soothing. He smells good. It's not making the sadness worse, it's a comfort actually. I'm glad I came. He's a nice guy…
I sit down and he offers me wine, beer, water, coffee…
I take some water. I don't want to drink too much this evening, I'm just going to see Andrea.. tomorrow I want to be in good condition to play with my sisters and be a decent person around them before disappearing off again.
We talk..I find my tone veering towards lamentations, and sadness.
He's comforting me.
"No! I'm not explaining myself properly.. I'm HAPPY. I can't WAIT to move to Ireland… I'm just… you know, I didn't think how sad I'd be to leave….. eh,my family…"
He reassures me I'll see them soon again..
I become so bored of this conversation because obviously I'm not thinking of family right now but hot barman and his fluffy head of hair and 3 or 4 years younger than me, innocent looks. And those glasses and how they suited him…. and his smile…
So I begin to stroke Fabio's leg because I'm bored of my own whining, and I feel in the vicinity, and he's rock hard, and that endears him to me. Ah Fabio… you know, he's actually a very good looking guy. I was whining about him and my friend asked to see a photo, so I showed her his facebook. "Abby, he's HOT!" she said. I pooh-poohed it. No, that's just a flattering picture. Look at this one…
"He's hot! You're being ridiculous! He sounds nice.. I don't know why you're so hard on him.."
Mmmh… whatever. He's just annoying.
It's only beecause he's nice to me, probably. I'm a sucker for feeling insecure and unwanted. Rejection baby! I'm all about the rejection…
But I like that he's so hard now. It's like.. he's sitting here with a massive erection and yet he's got an arm around me and he's trying to be nice and listen and he hasn't made a single move… he's being respectful… he's a nice guy, and I'm feeling a bit low… so it works for me. It's not like I'm not horny… I'm ALWAYS ready to go…
I pounce.
It's surprisingly enjoyable. He's a good fuck, really. It doesn't last very long, but I don't have very long before I have to meet Andrea. He murmers in my ear "did you miss this?"
And I don't know does he mean his dick, or sex, or what, I say yeah of course but inside I giggle, and think…
Oh FABIO, we haven't had sex in 2 months… I've fucked like 3 other guys in that time.
And that's a sobering thought. At this rate, I will… no it doesn't bear thinking about.
I get dressed and we hug and kiss goodbye. See you next time…
Well, that's a nice arrangement to have. A man in every port…
I meet Andrea and I'm all beaming with after-sex and slutty pride. She's with a friend I don't know, and we hit a nice bar and have some beers. I repeat, it's an early night for me, got to be bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow. Plus I've already got laid, no motivation for me to stay out and get wasted…
But two beers later and I accept a jagerbomb. And another. Then Andrea is tired and wants to call it a night. We say our goodbyes. I would have liked to stay a little longer but I'm glad, I'll be in bed tucked up by 3am… tomorrow is another day, and one I will be able to use and take advantage of and… carpe fucking diem!
Goodbye! Andrea has moved house so we are no longer on a taxi route together. Her friend lives in a third, other direction. We hug. Goodbye! Goodbye! Come visit me in Ireland! BOTH OF YOU! YAAAYYY!
I'm a little drunk, but not too much. I'm walking up to the taxi rank. I'm about two blocks away when I hear my name. ABBY! ABBY!
Odd. I turn to find Bumchum and a friend of his I know vaguely.
Shit. I never told him I was leaving the country. What a jerk… I've actually been avoiding him online, I have him blocked on facebook so he can't see if I'm online to chat to me. Otherwise he would always chat and invite me out. I realise it looks bad, I left the country without telling anyone….
He invites me for a beer..
I feel like if I say no, it's just admitting I don't like him because I have made excuses every time he asked me to come out for the past four months…. And if we are no longer friends, what's to stop him from telling everyone about the night he gave me a drunken prostate exam?
I agree to ONE BEER!
One fucking beer…
We hit some underground bar I've never seen before with loud music and dancing.
While his friend is talking to someone else, he tells me, "look, I know I haven't see you much since that other night… all I wanted to say is it's no big deal, don't be weirded out by it, I don't think it was a big deal, obviously for me it was great because you're really hot, but I'm not going to try anything else…"
I blush and thank him for calling me hot.
"NO it's not a compliment, you just are. You're very sexy. I'm not coming onto you, I'm not trying… you know? Just wanted to say that because it's a pity, I would have liked you to come out more, you're good fun, like…"
I tell him, to be perfectly honest (I always say this when I am about to lie particularly emphatically) the only reason I didn't hang out with him after that was that I was trying to avoid husband and I was afraid of bumping into him as we have a lot of friends in common and being with the same friends just reminded me of that part of my life…
Makes sense, makes sense… I understand. Ok great…
Fun party party!
I forget all about my vow to go home early. I hit the bar and decide the barman here is insanely hot. I begin swaying at him, fixing him with my drunken gaze, convinced of my atractivity because of bumchum's compliments. Grrrrr barman… I must have a hot barman tonight! I am staring at barman, smiling. I catch his eye a few times and he smiles back warmly.
But then I think I overdo it.
I think I may just be STARING at him with an insane leering grin. He stops smiling back and moves to a different part of the bar. A female bartender moves into place in front of me. Oh. Oh well. Shit.
Well fuck it.
I am in prowl mode. I have some more jagerbombs.
I am dancing now.
I am having a great time.
I rock this party.
It's daylight. I'm in a car, in the backseat with a guy. There is a guy in front driving. They are telling me they are dropping me at the bus stop. What? There are no busses. Taxi. Needs a taxi me.
No, it's daytime. It's 7.30am.
No it can't be, it's NIGHT TIME.
The car stops. Why aren't you bringing me home? Where are we?
The guy in the back shakes his head. I'm not getting out, he says.
The driver gets out and helps me lurch out of the car.
He tells me what bus to get, and waits with me in an awkward silence while I try to figure out, was I kissing one of these guys? Was it not the guy in the backseat? I think I kissed him… oh wow I must have been drunk, I can't remember which guy I kissed. I wonder.. it's odd I can't tell from the smell. I mean, I smell like another person, but I can't tell which person it is.
I have foreign saliva mixing with my morning breath, but whose saliva? I wonder have I misjudged and is it the driver I was kissing, maybe I made a big faus pas here… they seem to look really alike but then I'm awfully drunk still.
I am too hung over to think about it now, I have to get a bus…. I'm sure I'll remember later.
He explains about the bus and I KNOW of course I know how to get the bus. He offers bus fare. Ugh no, I have a ticket. It feels incredibly patronising, being offered bus fare… I'm not sure why… there's a hint of the sordid but I can't put my finger on it…
Bye now…
But he waits til the bus comes, pretty much imediately. I board the bus full of morning daytime people and feel pasty and drawn and ashamed and smelly.
I make it in the door of my dad's house with a good deal of key fumbling.
I lie down on the mattress which thankfully has been moved to the downstairs study for the occasion of my going out at the weekend, so I don't have to wake anyone up.
I sleep.
And wake at midday. Hung.. over… to… shit.
I feel so bad and worse because it's my last day and I need to be nice and hang out with my neglected sisters. I'm sorry… I have coffee. My sisters make me coffee and bring me fizzy water and biscuits and I croak out my thanks and apologies. I smell awful.
I am hung over for hours…
Eventually I muster the mental fortitude to have a shower, which helps considerably.
I spend some time forcing every malignant fibre of my being to be a good sister, I play cards while my brain screams NOOOOOO STOP THIS INSANITY MUST BE ALONE IN A DARK ROOM. I plough through the day pretending to be ok, but doing a terrible job of it.
And I draw pictures with my sister and listen to her little gurgling voice grate in my head and nod and say silly things and all the while there is a battle raging, a rebellion doomed to die… a fight for last night's memories.
My sisters are finally leaving, going to a birthday party and a friend's house.
I am alone in the house. I hit the internet and facebook while the silence wails at me like tinitis for beginners
I can't go to say goodbye to hot barman. I'm feeling too rough to leave the house today, also I look like a hobo's arsehole.
Bumchum is online. I wonder… I wonder if I just ASK bumchum, he'll tell me what happened. I wonder did I kiss bumchum? Is that why I smell different?
Maybe he knows those guys.. Maybe he'll say, "oh you went off with the taller one of the guys" or "oh you went back to a party with my friends and you kissed the slightly shorter one"
I am sure he will just tell me I was good and nothing bad happened, and I am just being drunk and hungover and maybe I was a bit pissed but it's all ok. This is what happens normally, I work it up to a big deal when really I was just a bit drunk and lairy. I remember staring at the barman… that's pretty embarassing.
So I ask bumchum.
Hey, what happened last night, did we go back to a party or something?
And he tells me two of his friends were bringing me back to my place, I got a lift.
Yeah but what did we do before that?
He says we were at a club, don't you remember?
Yeah but that ended at 4 or 5… what happened next?
You got a lift home…
YEAH at 7.30 am…
I'm confused. I think I remember being at a party or soemthig. I don't remember who was there, but I think those guys were, yeah.
He offers to ask them.
No… too embarassing! My friend wants to know… argh no don't ask that!
But actually… could you maybe just ask, "what happened last night with my friend" or something. So they don't know it's me asking, like.
Sure, he says. One of them is online now…
And I wait.
I wait patiently, a little nervous, for the reassurance that everything was ok and nothing was as bad as it seemed and it was just a hangover making me paranoid.
But the reply was not reassuring.
The reply was not going to make it better.
The reply said that I didn't know which guy I had kissed because I had kissed both of them, and that I hadn't just kissed both of them but I had slept with both of them… together… that's right, I had a freaking threesome and I have no idea whose idea it was but as I read the paragraph over and over on facebook, little flashes of confirmation appeared in my memory. Pictures, images, proof… nothing concrete, but memories… the memories of a very drunk person. Me naked, me saying "sure why not? I'm up for anything…"
Sitting in the back of the car, with the two guys up front and feeling the backs of both of their necks… maybe I started it. Maybe it was all my idea, and I started it…
But I had a threesome.
I had a threesome with two guys, and I can't remember it properly, and I can't tell if I liked it, and I can't even FEEL it because I had already had quite a fierce fuck with Fabio so I was bound to be a bit tender, and as to.. other aspects of a threesome… well, I can neither confirm nor deny that something… happened there. I don't fucking KNOW.
And I had that knowledge to contend with, me, hung over, red eyed, swollen faced, and I sat with a brain like a rotten sponge, wishing for sleep but too traumatised to even lie down.
And I typed one reply to bumchum, one… one last gamble, one last attempt to make things ok, as my mind raced to try to come to terms with something I could barely comprehend… that I had sex and don't remember it. That is, seriously, a low I have never hit before…….
So I ask, and I don't really want to know…
Was I at least… any good? Did they say?
Bumchum didn't judge me. Bumchum has been friend-zoned and bumchum seems ok with it. Anyway, he got a blow job from a chick on the bus home while her friend kissed his neck. It puts us on a par, except I'm a girl… and I can do better…
But Ahhh, the night bus.
Funny how Italy just got crazy and gang-bang-happy as I'm leaving.
But he said, yes, I was good… They said I gave quite a performance… I was a star…
And the sad thing is, after all that…
The pride in a job well done, almost entirely eclipses the shame of a job I have no recollection of doing..
But… I AM ashamed. I am ashamed not because I had a threesome, but because I had one without remembering it. I can't TELL if I was the instigator. If I was… then fair enough. I could laugh and think, well, there you go, I'm a sex-crazed son of a gun, it was bound to happen sooner or later. In fairness I am obsessed with sex and have never come across a man who could keep up with me. Briefly, husband gave me a run for my money… but it was of course short-term.
Two guys is not a bad idea, in that sense…
But I don't know if that was my idea. I don't know if I was so drunk I didn't even know what was going on, I don't know if, say, I only thought I had been with one but was so pissed I couldn't tell the next one was a different dude.
THAT is what bothers me, That is what scares me.
I could have been raped, and I have no idea… Well, I mean… I remember lying on a bed and being quite into it, whatever was going on, but still… I was too drunk. I shouldn't have been that drunk. I might even have been spiked, but that seems like an excuse… I could easily have been that drunk…
But it's dangerous and it's bad. Obviously no harm done, because I don't have any horrendous memories and I am missing two condoms from my handbag selection so I guess it's ok…
But I really, honestly, don't want to get like that again.
I'm a little bit stunned after that night…
In a sense, I feel like I've hit rock bottom. With my drinking. Not exactly with my sex… behaviour… because I will always be doing more slutty things than is generally accepted, because I'm always fucking horny. I spend so much time thinking about sex, watching men and thinking about fucking them.
On the flight over, I mentally undressed and straddled the pilot, a male air steward, three passengers, a guy in a luminous jacket who waved the plane in (the plane we were going to board, before it had pulled into the terminal) and the guy who checked my passport and the barman selling expensive coffee in the duty free area. That's not even mentioning the man who sat accross from me on the aircoach on the way to the airport… and then even the asshole ticket inspector on the train, I was wishing I had worn makeup and brushed my hair because he was kind of hot in an arrogant asshole kind of way. I imagined growling at him "are you sure I can't change your mind about letting me sit in first class?" while prying my legs open a little…. and him pulling out his dick and saying "I'm going to have to write you out a fine… with my cock" or something…
Hmm… it's a work in progress…. rage got in the way of a proper script… but this is how my mind deals with all the men I come across in every day life. It's constantly running 1970s porn dialogues while outwardly I smile as coyly as my slutty demeanour can manage.
I am always horny, I'm always watching men, they arouse me easily, with tiny non-erotic actions…
I watch them doing their jobs, menial or unchallenging they may be, but they suggest the tip of an iceberg of a world totally alien to me. Airline employees… with security clearance… able to open doors with a swipe card, doors I will never see behind. Secret codes and signals, unknown worlds on walkie talkies… engineers… oh my god engineers… reading data from the airplane…. anything… any thing a man does, his casual behaviour, when he doesn't know he's being watched… the stance, full of manly muscular power, a body capable of slamming me up against walls and pulling my head back just a little roughly… at ease while he works, but it's all just under his clothes, his uniform, waiting to be called to action.
I fucking LOVE men.
I love them.
Mmmm men.
But the drinking… the drinking seems to be a problem.
I'm not so quick to say I'm an alcoholic as I have been to say I'm a sexaholic. I honestly don't think about drink as much as sex, or with as much gusto… the thought of a drink right now, for instance, doesn't excite me or interest me. It's the fun of drinking with people. It's the overcoming my terrible awkwardness… it's finding a reason to get people to hang out together for extended periods, all dressed up…
I'd honestly be happy hanging out with people with no drink, so of course I'm not an "addict".
But I definitely, certainly, have a drink problem. Be it addiction or just, I can't handle my drink.
I have a problem.
And I want to deal with that.
And I've just… moved… back… to Ireland.
Good luck with that…
And Saturday is ST PATRICKS DAY.
Oh baby..
I'll let you know how I get on.
(Of course this is about a week old now, but I will leave it a bit before thrusting my latest misadventure down your gullets… otherwise my whole "ahh never drink again so much shame" thing just seems melodramatic and like I never meant it at all… I did mean it, I'm just… a terrible, incorrigible woman.)


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Friday, July 24, 2009
Christina Haynes Sentenced to 10 Years for Child Abuse
A northern Idaho mother whose child was abused so badly that doctors had to amputate the girl's feet has been sentenced to 10 years in jail.
Christina Haynes, 27, of St. Maries, was sentenced Friday on one count of felony injury to a child. First District Judge Fred Gibler ordered Haynes to serve at least five years before being eligible for parole.
Haynes pleaded guilty in May, a year after police discovered 3-year-old Kyra Wine, described at near death, at the home of Haynes' boyfriend, Charles Smith.
Doctors performed several surgeries and the community rallied to raise money to help cover medical costs.
Smith, 29, was sentenced to 10 years in prison without parole for his role in the beatings.
The girl and her sister are living with grandparents in St. Maries.
Labels: Child Abuse, Idaho, injury to minor
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subset: commoncrawl


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Be Smart When You Sell Your Home Using These TechniquesWhen you are trying to sell your home you should keep in mind that not everyone has the same mindset that you have. This means that you may have to make a few adjustments in order to get your house off the market in a decent amount of time.
Choose your real estate agent carefully. When looking for a real estate agent, choose one that is familiar with the neighborhood in which you are looking. They will be aware of a reasonable price to offer, and will also be able to tell you if your house is expected to increase in value in the future.
The Internet can be a godsend to the homeowner looking to sell a house. Online house listings put tons of information in front of the potential buyer, and they update much faster than other listings. Making use of real estate websites can save the buyer or seller plenty of footwork and let him or her devote more time to the other aspects of home buying.
If you are selling your residence in the fall, use the colors of the season to decorate your house and help you make a sale. Items like pumpkins or mums are nice accents to place in front of your home; they draw potential buyers into your residence and help make a good first impression.
When selling your home in a difficult market, sometimes accepting a lower offer can be the right way to go. When considering a buyer's offer, look at your budget and figure out what it would cost you to keep the house for another month, two months, or even three. If the offer is fair, accepting it may save you more than keeping it on the market will.
Before you start showing your house to prospective buyers, make sure all minor repairs have been completed. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but that dripping faucet in the bathroom could cause a buyer to turn tail and run. From their perspective, if you didn't even bother to fix a leaky sink, what else is wrong with the place?
When considering curb appeal, remember that the condition of your siding can count a lot. Replace any worn or damaged boards and maybe consider a coat of paint. This gives buyers the right first impression - that the house has been cared for. The time you spend doing this can equal a faster sale and additional dollars at closing.
An important tip to remember with real estate is to not remain idle with your property if you are not entirely happy with it - especially when the market is down. This is important because it might be your best chance to move into a house or neighborhood that you have always desired. It may be worth the hit that you take on your lesser valued house.
To ignite a buying frenzy on your home, include a garden pond on your property. Many agents across the United States claim that not only is a pond a beautiful addition to a home but many buyers are stipulating that they will only view residences that have this feature included.
Try to make periodic changes to your listing. homes for sale dallas can do this by either changing the price or making some basic updates to your home that could be mentioned in your listing description. Changes to your listing will help bring it up to the top of the results and thereby keeping your listing in view.
If your ceilings and walls are stained, with smoke or grease, you should repaint them before showing your house. new homes for sale in frisco texas can be turned off by these things. Repainting is not very expensive and it can normally pay for itself. If you have cracks in your ceiling or walls, try to have them filled in before you try to sell your home.
The first step in selling your house is to grab paper and pencil, and examine your home with a critical buyer's eye. Start at the curb, and note any repairs to be made or clutter to be cleared. Walk up to the entrance, and feel the first impression a buyer may feel when approaching your house. Make notes about anything you think might catch a prospective buyer's eye. Repeat the process with each room in your home.
If you don't exhibit your home and make minor cosmetic repairs, it can be difficult to sell a home. If you do not work to advertise your home in a way that your buyers will find interest, selling a home will be nearly impossible. Remember to put yourself in your buyer's shoes.
For sellers, consider stretching the calendar to your advantage. Many real estate purchases take place in spring because families often want to minimize the burden on their children during a big move. If you place your house on the market around late February, you'll have a solid five months to sway potential buyers to consider your property.
As was stated at the beginning of the article, selling your home can be complicated, especially if you do not understand the process. The above article gave you some helpful advice about home selling. The next time you are going to put your home on the market, use this advice.


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Abby Seik
Who is Abby Seik?
Abby Seik is the spouse of Joe Nussbaum.
- Marriage with Joe Nussbaum since
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Go to the wordplay of Abby Seik for some fun with words!


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Texts from last night:
"HET" (Translation: Drunk Sammy says "Hello")
"My feet?" (Translation: I'm walking)
"My window broke? My cat died? this perv won't stop hitting on me? I wanna go for a walk and might get lost? (Translation: No idea)
"huh...your so much more interesting naked :P" (hmmm...I don't know about my train of thoughts but apparently, I'm a perv)
"I mean, I know I'm kickass but you're just...outta my league epic" (Translation: I don't know where I was going with this)
"I'm a professional drunk" (Not written by me - they meant "I text professionally when drinking)
"Sleeping bag camping combo...oooh tenting in the halls :p I have no idea where that idea came from (this was me: I was really excited about getting a tent and camping indoors apparently...even though I had a bed and am a terrible camper. I may have decided to have a campfire too...that'd be interesting).


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Well he's right, isn't he? Does anyone actually believe Limbaugh meant any of that apology?
He's right, but what's the point of Paul saying it? Sounds like he's trying to help destroy Limbaugh's credibility. Paul's been working for the R establishment candidate in this campaign from the beginning, and they don't like Limbaugh either.


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ATHENS — The Miami Trace Panthers faced the Fairfield Union Falcons Saturday afternoon at the Convocation Center at Ohio University for a Division II District championship and a trip to the Sweet 16.
The Panthers were trying to win the program's first District title since 1998.
The Panthers led by five points with less than four minutes to play in the fourth quarter. The Falcons hit a couple of late buckets to pull out the win, 42-40.
Miami Trace had a last-second shot to win by junior Darby Tyree, but the ball rimmed out.
The Panthers had just missed a shot. The ball bounced or was tapped back out past the three-point line. Tyree chased the ball down and had to pick up the ball, turn and shoot, all in one motion. He clearly got the shot away before the buzzer sounded.
It was a heart-breaker of a game and a very tough way for the season to end for Miami Trace.
Senior DeAndre Pettiford led the Panthers with 13 points.
Senior Blake Pittser scored 12 and junior Cameron Carter had eight points.
Tyree scored three points, senior Tyrae Pettiford scored two and senior Seth Leach had two.
Colin Woodside was the game's leading scorer for Fairfield Union with 15 points.
Hayden Price had 10 points for the Falcons.
Fairfield Union improves to 23-2 and will play Columbus Eastmoor Academy in the Regional semifinals back at the Convo Thursday at 8 p.m.
Miami Trace ends an SCOL championship season with a record of 21-4.
They say thank you and farewell to nine seniors: DeAndre Pettiford, Skyler McDonald, Tyrae Pettiford, Mitchell Creamer, Seth Leach, Blake Pittser, Keondric Bryant, Tiante Connell and Jacob Batson.
There will be more on this game Tuesday in the Record-Herald.


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If you can tell by the links in my sidebar, I am so ready to start bargain shopping and couponing again! LOL We will be buying 4 Sunday papers a week to get started, and hopefully I can find some creative ways to get FREE coupons. I had DH pick up envelopes for me today, and I just need to find a suitable box to put them in. I am hoping I have something around the house, but I am not holding my breath!
I plan to clip all coupons, put them in envelopes by categories, and then have an envelope for each store that holds store coupons, the weekly shopping list for that store, the store card, if any, and any manufacturer coupons.
I will post pictures as soon as I get it finished!


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Joshua came to Oklahoma in January for an eldership installation at our church. He was able to come a couple days early and we so enjoyed the fellowship and having him at our home again!
We enjoyed seeing pictures and hearing stories from Joshua's different flight missions. We also got a good geography lesson!!
Of course Cherry Berry was a must!! :)
She loves Daisy.
Work and fellowship.
Swinging together.
Mr. Red.
Pretty sunset.
Helping with dinner.
Dinner time!
Reading practice.
Keeping up on this year's pushup challenge!
We introduced Joshua to Blokus!
We have two game boards so we can have everyone playing at one time. :)
We played Apples to Apples too!!
Bub and Shenandoah.


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Hebron High School National Honor Society
How to become a member
2015-16 Hebron NHS members
NHS Activities for 2015-16
NHS New Membership Application Forms/Information
The following documents are included in the NHS new membership packet. Once a student (grades 10 through 12) expresses interest and qualifies for membership based on his or hers overall grade point average of 3.25 or better, he or she is given this packet.
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One of the most hotly debated subjects in religious and philosophical discussion is Predestination (or Determinism) versus Free Will. Certainly nothing I can say in these brief blog entries can be considered an exhaustive treatment of the subject; all I can do is throw out some ideas to take into consideration when dealing with the subject. Since my upbringing has been Christian (of the conservative variety), I still tend to use Biblical references as a framework for my discussions. Keep in mind, though, that the main idea behind my blog is to promote 'thinking outside the box': the right of each individual to think for himself and form his own conclusions, without feeling bound to any outside authority (including authoritative 'scriptures' and authoritative 'interpreters' or 'interpretations' of them). It's my contention, first, that traditional 'orthodox' understandings of the Bible are inaccurate because they fail to take into consideration a key concept in the thinking of Biblical writers (reincarnation), and the non-literal, metaphorical nature of the writings. And secondly, it's my contention that the Biblical writers themselves were not 'infallibly inspired by God', so that one is not bound to accept either their words or concepts as unerring truth. Still, in my approach in this blog I'll attempt to give an idea of: (1) What the Bible has to say about the 'Sovereignty of God' in predestination and providence (the actions God takes to bring his purposes and plans to fruition); (2) The logical conclusion one must reach without an understanding of the righteousness and justice of God's judgments as shown in reincarnation and 'karma' ('reaping what you sow'); and (3) How taking into account the Bible's writers' underlying belief in reincarnation affects the understanding of their statements.
So, what does the Bible itself have to say about this controversial subject? The quotations I give will be taken from the New Revised Standard Version, unless otherwise noted. I will for the most part just give the quotation, making few if any comments. Those who claim to be 'Bible believing Christians' must be able to incorporate all of these statements within their viewpoint. If you find them 'embarrassing', then you need to either revise your ideas, or honestly acknowledge that you believe the Bible to be in error on this subject (which would of course exclude you from the company of 'Bible believing Christians'). These are only a few among many possible references.
Psalm 115:2, 3 – "Why should the nations say, 'Where is their God?' Our God is in the heavens; he does whatever he pleases."
Isaiah 14:24, 26, 27 – "The Lord of hosts has sworn: As I have designed, so shall it be; and as I have planned, so shall it come to pass… This is the plan that is planned concerning the whole earth; and this is the hand that is stretched out over all the nations. For the Lord of hosts has planned, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?"
Isaiah 46:9, 10 – "Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is no one like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, My purpose shall stand, and I will fulfill my intention."
Isaiah 45:7 – "I form light and create darkness, I make weal and create woe; I the Lord do all these things."
Amos 3:6 – "Is a trumpet blown in a city, and the people are not afraid? Does disaster befall a city, unless the Lord has done it?"
Daniel 4:25 – Daniel, interpreting a dream of King Nebuchadnezzar, said: "You shall be driven away from human society, and your dwelling shall be with the wild animals. You shall be made to eat grass like oxen, you shall be bathed with the dew of heaven, and seven times shall pass over you, until you have learned that the Most High has sovereignty over the kingdom of mortals, and gives it to whom he will."
Daniel 4:34, 35 – After Nebuchadnezzar had regained his senses, he said: "When that period was over, I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me. I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored the one who lives forever. For his sovereignty is an everlasting sovereignty, and his kingdom endures from generation to generation. All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does what he wills with the host of heaven and the inhabitants of the earth. There is no one who can stay his hand or say to him, 'What are you doing?'"
John 6:44, 45, 65 – "No one can come to me unless drawn by the Father who sent me; and I will raise that person up on the last day. It is written in the prophets, 'And they shall all be taught by God.' Everyone who has heard and learned from the Father comes to me… And he said, For this reason I have told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted by the Father."
John 10:24 – 28 – "So the Jews gathered around him and said to him, 'How long will you keep us in suspense? If you are the Messiah, tell us plainly.' Jesus answered, 'I have told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father's name testify to me; but you do not believe, because you do not belong to my sheep.'" [Note: not "you do not belong to my sheep because you do not believe". Believing is the result of being his sheep, not the cause.] "'My sheep hear my voice. I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish.'"
Acts 2:22, 23 – "You that are Israelites, listen to what I have to say: Jesus of Nazareth, a man attested to you by God with deeds of power, wonders, and signs that God did through him among you, as you yourselves know – this man, handed over to you according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of those outside the law."
Acts 4: 27, 28 – "For in this city, in fact, both Herod and Pontius Pilate, with the Gentiles and the peoples of Israel, gathered together against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed, to do whatever your hand and your plan had predestined to take place."
Acts 13:48 – "When the Gentiles heard this, they were glad and praised the word of the Lord; and as many as had been destined for eternal life became believers."
Romans 8:29, 30 – "For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family. And those whom he predestined he also called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified."
[One way that some Christians explain predestination is to point out that it is those who are 'foreknown' who are predestined; they say foreknowledge comes first, and claim that this foreknowledge is God knowing beforehand who would believe. It should be noted, however, that though foreknowledge comes first here, it was the "definite plan" (predestination) that came first in the previously quoted Acts 2:23. And in Romans 8:29, it is people who are foreknown, not faith or works foreseen. In the very next chapter (which I'll get to in more detail later), Paul points out concerning Jacob and Esau (9:11, 12): "Even before they had been born or had done anything good or bad (so that God's purpose of election might continue, not by works but by his call) she [Rebecca] was told, 'The elder shall serve the younger.'" Paul is arguing that nothing Jacob and Esau did was the cause of God's choice of Jacob and rejection of Esau, and he says that the timing of the announcement of His choice proves that point. Now if foresight of what we would do or believe was a valid explanation of predestination, it could have been used with regard to Jacob and Esau also; so the argument that God's choice before they were born and had done anything good or bad showed that their actions were not the reason for the choice, would not be a valid argument. One could say that God foresaw their actions, so that His choice of Jacob was still based on Jacob's faith or works, even though the announcement was before his birth and before he believed or worked. Obviously Paul didn't accept 'foresight of works (or faith)' as a valid explanation of God's choice and predestination. Was this an error in Paul's logic? If so, it is still evident that 'foresight of faith' was not what Paul meant in Romans 8:29. In addition, to the apostles 'foreknowledge' had a far stronger meaning than simple 'foresight' – God 'looking down the corridors of time' and seeing what men would do. For God to 'foreknow' is virtually synonymous with 'predestine'. Note 1 Peter 1:20, speaking of Christ as the lamb of God (New American Standard Version): "For he was foreknown before the foundation of the world, but has appeared in these last times for the sake of you…" The meaning is so obviously more than just that God 'foresaw' that Christ would become the lamb of God, that many translations use words relating to predestination to translate 'foreknown' here. The RSV and NRSV say "he was destined"; the KJV and NKJV say "foreordained"; the NIV says "he was chosen". So saying "whom he foreknew" means "those whom he foresaw would believe" just won't cut it here (Romans 8:29). Now I'll get back to the quotations.]
Galatians 1:15, 16 – "But when God, who had set me apart before I was born and called me through his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son to me, so that I might proclaim him among the Gentiles, I did not confer with any human being…."
Ephesians 1:4, 5, 11 – … he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world to be holy and blameless before him in love. He destined us for adoption as his children through Jesus Christ, according to the good pleasure of his will… In Christ we have also obtained an inheritance, having been destined according to the purpose of him who accomplishes all things according to his counsel and will."
Philippians 1:29 – "For he has graciously granted you the privilege not only of believing in Christ, but of suffering for him as well." [Believing in Christ is a privilege graciously granted by God.]
Philippians 2: 12, 13 – "Therefore, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed me, not only in my presence, but much more now in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, enabling you both to will and to work for his good pleasure." [The believers' very willingness is the result of
God working within them.]
2 Thessalonians 2:13, 14 – "But we must always give thanks to God for you, brothers and sisters beloved by the Lord, because God chose you as the first fruits for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and through belief in the truth. For this purpose he called you through our proclamation of the good news, so that you may obtain the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ."
I don't think I need to keep on going; I'm sure you get the point. There's some 'awful strong stuff' in the Bible that would seem to indicate a Sovereign 'arbitrariness' of God in His dealings with humanity. God does whatever He wants to do, without regard to what we wish, will, or do, and there's nothing we can do about it! We're just playthings in God's hands! That's pretty much what "Reformed" (Calvinistic) Christians believe. And it's not that they believe that some people will be 'saved' even though they 'don't want to be', while others won't be saved no matter how much they 'want to be'; we can't even 'want to be saved' unless God has 'arbitrarily' chosen us for it and works the 'want to be' in us! That's what I used to believe; and if I were still a 'Bible believing Christian' I guess I would have to still believe that way. The thing is, there are plenty of other passages of 'scripture' that are 'problematic' for that viewpoint. For instance, Psalm 62:12 and Proverbs 24:12 say that God's justice is such that He rewards everyone according to their deeds. And Paul himself echoes that belief in Romans 2:6-8: "For he will repay according to each one's deeds: to those who by patiently doing good seek for glory and honor and immortality, he will give eternal life; while for those who are self-seeking and who obey not the truth but wickedness, there will be wrath and fury." The fact that God holds us responsible for our actions and thoughts and rewards us accordingly would seem to be contrary to the scheme of predestination. How can we be held responsible for our actions, when those actions are the result of God's willing it to be that way? Well, that question is introduced by Paul in Romans 9, which I will plan on discussing in the next article. I hate those television shows that have you sitting on the edge of your seat wondering how the 'hero' is going to get out of the dangerous situation and then leave you there with a 'To Be Continued" notice. But it looks like I'm going to have to say "To Be Continued" here, as I don't want to turn any individual article into a 'book'.


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Monthly Archives: September 2016
Bergen Place Park
An intrepid group of 4 Seattle Urban Sketchers met at Bergen Place Park today. Perhaps it was the sudden autumn weather following the first day of Fall that kept some of our usual group away. It was chilly with light … Continue reading
More waiting. First, I took the second car in for it's scheduled service. No problems found and a shorter wait. In future, I'll try to remember not to go on a Monday. But, while waiting I sketched the reader sitting … Continue reading
This afternoon I took the first of two cars in for routine maintenance. The place I go no longer does appointments, so it's just waiting, waiting…. for 3 hours. I did one pen sketch in a small Field Notes book, … Continue reading
Galvin, WA
Three of us from Urban Sketchers Tacoma carpooled down to Galvin, WA to meet with other sketchers in Centralia. I was quite early arriving at our meeting place in Puyallup, so I stopped to sketch this store. I've been meaning … Continue reading
Parking Day
Urban Sketchers Tacoma participated in Parking Day in Tacoma on Friday. "What's Parking Day" was one of the frequent questions. "PARK(ing) Day is an annual worldwide event where artists, designers and citizens transform metered parking spots into temporary public parks". … Continue reading
Raising the Space Ship
During and after my volunteer shift at the Museum of Flight yesterday, I watched the exhibits team reassemble and then install a 1:1 model of SpaceShipOne. The real one is an experimental air-launched rocket-powered aircraft with suborbital flight capability. SpaceShipOne … Continue reading
Trixie Hobbitses
Or very clever gardeners and landscape designers. I learned about the small Hobbit House in June from a piece on a local TV show and I immediately put it on my list of sketch locations. Today was my first chance … Continue reading
Cross one more off the list
I no longer remember how I heard about Pick Quick Burgers. But it's been on my list of potential sketching locations for quite a while. I had an early morning appointment in Tacoma and was done by 0830. I had … Continue reading
Jack Block Park
This was a perfect day for sketching. Bright sun and cool breezes. The Friday group of Urban Sketchers Seattle met at Jack Block Park on the south eastern section of the Aliki point. I have a new phone and actually … Continue reading


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Discussing the Deck Building and what makes a card 'good.'
Like any TCG multiples are needed unless a card is needed for a certain match-up.
1 Copy – Rarely want to see this card; usually used for certain match-ups. Often searched for if needed.
2 Copies – Want to see it more but it's not something reliably needed for the game plan. Having more than one helps not being lost in zones (clock, stock, waiting room).
3 Copies – Generally want this card to show up at least once a game and helps either drawing into or prevent from getting lost in zones (clock, stock, waiting room)
4 Copies – This card will be used every single game for either utility or a combo.
Deck Building – Level 0
What are the actual good cards in Weiss that are level 0? These cards below are mainly used for utility. If these cards are not present big cards or oversizes – anything 3500 or higher – are used. There are also Level 0 Reversers or bombs.
Generally the best cards in level 0 are Brainstorms, Runners, Riki Clones, and Akatsuki clones. These are by far the best cards you can have at level 0.
Brainstorm – A way to mill your deck and possibly +1 if any climaxes are hit, although SHOULD never be relied on as a plussing engine unless it is the only option; however it is a strong card, remember it is entirely reliant on RNG. If climaxes ratio to deck is low, be careful as it will have a high chance to whiff (miss and not plus). This may be benefited, to help mill the deck in some situations. The best kinds are searching or salvaging brainstorms, which will give a +1 to hand, while others either give power or soul. Generally a spammable brainstorm is used to mill, if stock is not an issue.
Runner – The one card with the most value; this makes it so less resources are wasted. Running to another slot lets it stay on the board and inherently pluses; giving hand size and stock.
Riki Clone – A unique effect that clocks the player in return to search for a Level 1 or lower. This card gives a +1 while preparing for the upcoming Level 1 game. Allowing the player to reach there faster and setting it up.
Akatsuki Clone – This card is considered to be the best card you can have in a set. The multiple benefits for this card are:
- Being a discard outlet; either getting rid of cards that can't play or getting rid of overflowing climaxes in hand.
- Mills the deck, in return allows for a faster refresh and potentially more compression (postive climax to deck ratio).
- Generally filters to have something playable.
A lot of decks do not have all four but a combination of 2+ is considered good. If there are no runners, go ahead with bombs/reversers. Any kind of searching is valuable.
Aim for at least 15 level 0 zeros when building a deck.
Playing out Level 0
Know most match-ups. Know the weaknesses/strengths of both decks and plan ahead.
Mulligan is a key part of the beginning. If there any climaxes, events or level 2+ cards that cannot be use, mulligan for something playable; ideally level 0's. Don't forget to clock.
Common Misplays
- "I want to play all my cards out and push my opponent towards level 1. That means I am winning the board because I can take less damage now!"
STOP! This is really bad UNLESS that is the game plan for the whole game (ie +2 soul rush). This ends up losing a lot of advantage and lets the opponent gain stock while taking more damage which leads to level 1 with stronger cards. Empty slots at level 0 are not bad.
- "I have a lot of climaxes in hand so I will keep them and hopefully use them next turn."
Multiple climaxes are dead weight in hand and do absolutely nothing . If more than 1 climaxes are in hand, get rid of it. This will add it into next refresh and help cancel more. It is not wrong to clock a climax. Due note, this becomes more dangerous as the levels get higher.
- "I don't want my character to die, so I just need to side attack this reverser."
This will let the opponent farm stock and not commit to playing more cards from hand.
When is it proper to side attack?
A side attack is taking the card facing minus the level with your card's soul to deal damage to the opponent. This skips the backup phase. The best time to side is usually at level 0. Another use is for exact damage for finishing the opponent and will be discussed at a later part.
Only be aggressive when its right, else just be passive
Be aggressive when the opponent is showing they have more than four climaxes out.
Sometimes dealing with a runner can benefit. Fill the board and decide what attack, be warned this may lead into benefiting the opponent. Take it careful and do not go too far. This does not mean to go full out attacks, unless it is your game plan.
The longer level 0 is, the more cards and stock for both sides. Always plan ahead for the upcoming level. One of the most important levels currently; Level 1.
Stay tuned for the next part; Level 1, combos, and advantages.


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I'm 15 weeks and figured it was about time I started updating the blog with pregger facts.
I have felt the baby move a few times. Nothing big or too consistent but just some random little flutters here or there at nighttime when I'm sitting real still.
I am extremely thankful that I have had two weeks and a few days with out sickness. It is a huge kindness of the Lord! It's not fun being sick but its really not fun being sick and taking care of a one year old. But I'd take it any day knowing that it's because a baby is growing inside of me.
Another thing I'm thankful for is how this pregnancy has really given me relief from my Rheumatoid Arthritis symptoms. I have little aches here and there but NOTHING like it used to be. I know that there is always a possibility that I can have a flare up after having the baby but I know that the Lord will give me strength to endure. I'm just thankful for how I feel right now!!
I am starting to show a little bit. I'm sure after all the food I'll be eating around Christmas time there'll be no doubt of whether I'm pudgy or have a baby growing in my belly.
This picture is actually from 15 weeks 2 days but wanted to go ahead and post it.
Also I just noticed that I hadn't posted any of my info from my 12 week appointment.
My blood pressure was fine at 100/60.
My weight hadn't changed and was still 114.
Baby's heart beat took a little to find and had me holding my breath but that little heart beat was finally discovered and was in the 150's.


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Hola! I'm Ross and I'm the core and gameplay programmer for Five Pixels. I've just completed my third year at Abertay University studying Computer Games Technology. I have been a member of the Abertay Game Development Society for 3 years and have participated in the making of three games in that time.
You can find me at:
Portfolio: http://www.rabdavies.com
LinkedIn: http://lnkd.in/dTyXP3B


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Web Design Mistakes That Kill Business
The process of getting people to your website requires investments of both time and money. The last thing you want is for these investments to start paying off by driving visitors to your site, only to find out that they're not coming back. Avoiding some simple web design mistakes will help prevent the painful realization that not having an online presence might be better than one that's just making potential customers angry.
The home page sounds like the company's resume.
Most visitors are arriving at the site looking for a solution to a problem. Content that sounds like a business is just patting itself on the back will have them headed elsewhere fast. Instead, direct the content on these pages toward what the website can do for the visitor. If you really want to boast about your company, save it for the "About Us" page.
A slow loading splash page.
Searchers are already impatient, so making them wait through a splash page, which does nothing to inform them, isn't a great way to start the relationship. You can put a skip option on the page; however, that just gives viewers the impression that the intro isn't important if they can bypass it all together. In that case, why are you making them watch it? Instead, skip the splash page completely and direct visitors to a page which explains that they have found what they're looking for.
Hiding content that's relevant to visitors' search terms or skipping it altogether.
Visitors, especially if they're new to the site, will make a fast assumption that they're in the wrong place if they're unable to find the content they came looking for. Instead, be certain that your content, headers, etc. are relevant to their search term.
Taking a "kitchen sink" approach to page content.
Throwing everything you've got at your visitors stands a much better chance of disorienting them than selling them something they weren't looking for initially. Instead, keep your pages simple and directed at the search terms that are driving visitors to them.
Using fonts that don't look professional.
The quality of your content will not matter if it looks like it's been written with a pink crayon. It's fine if you're blogging about your cat, but using it on a B2B or B2C site isn't going to work. Instead, use one of the fonts that will give it a professional appearance.
Pages that are too long.
If pages require a user to keep scrolling down due to the length of the text, your potential customer will be more likely to lose interest and leave the site. Instead, summarize what's important for each page and give the option to read more on another page.
Having multiple navigation menus.
Websites with more than one menu can get confusing. Viewers may not see a second menu and then may not find what they are looking to for. Instead, consolidate multiple menus into one organized place on the page.
Having sound effects.
Sound effects not only distract visitors of the site, but could also turn them away completely. While some people may find it entertaining, others may never return to your site. Instead, leave out the sound effects so potential customers will visit the site again.
Having too much clutter on the home page.
Many businesses want to list everything that they feel is important, and want seen, on the home page. Unfortunately, too much content on the home page will actually make the more important things stand out less. Instead, decide what is most important on the home page and leave the rest for the content pages. Remember that's why the rest of the website is there.
Understanding these important DON'Ts will help prevent driving potential business to your competitor.
So Just How Clean is Your Computer?
In this age of technological advances the computer has become a battlefront for developers to protect your computer from the ever present threat of computer viruses. In the war between hackers and developers there has been a surprising new twist which has come to light. This is not a battle for control of the internal circuitry of your machine, but an onslaught of airborne armies of bacteria, viruses, and organisms attempting to sabotage your machine. Some laboratory studies have demonstrated that computer keyboards and peripherals contain much higher levels of bacteria than most people realize.
Unfortunately, in today's technology dependent environment, the typical office has become a hostile arena for all IT equipment. Malfunction, reduced productivity, and even lost data are all too often caused by dust and debris being trapped under keys, coating the circuitry and causing overheating in your machine.
Cleaning your computer not only safeguards you from germs but also protects the computer components and peripherals from locking, seizing, crashing and helps to prevent the build up of dirt, dust, and debris from becoming a major problem.
The environment that your system operates in plays a major part in determining a proper cleaning regimen. A computer in a home environment should be cleaned approximately every 4-6 months. If the computer is used by children or is exposed to tobacco smoke or pet hair, it may require more frequent cleaning.
The typical computer system can be cleaned very effectively using solutions available in most major department stores or big box electronic retailers.
Cleaning Tips.
1. Unplug your keyboard and turn it upside down, and give it a vigorous shake to remove dust, dirt, and debris. Use a soft brush or paintbrush to clean in between the keys. You can also buy a can of compressed air or use the brush attachment of your vacuum to complete the removal of all remaining dirt.
2. The surface of the keyboard gets particularly dirty. This can be removed by using a mild cleaning agent or alcohol. Never put it directly onto the keyboard surface, but put it onto a soft cloth and, using your finger, clean the keys. A cotton swab can be moistened with cleaning fluid to clean between the keys. Allow your keyboard to dry thoroughly and plug it back in.
3. The computer tower or desktop unit can be cleaned using the same method, but be sure to always unplug and isolate from the power supply. Monitors – especially the flat screen LED models – nearly always have an anti-glare coating on their screens. For this reason, only specially formulated screen cleaning solutions should be used.
It is strongly recommended that you use a professional computer service company to clean and remove dust and dirt from the inside of your machine. Static build-up and the sensitive equipment inside need special attention. SkilTech offers a complete cleaning of your system, at your location, for just $19.95. Call us TODAY at 410-996-0040 to set up your appointment!


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There were few things I've been as excited to do as join RefactorU. Most people don't have many chances to redefine a major part of their lives, and that's what I was setting out to do. After hours upon hours of research and some leading from a couple friends I had decided I was going to be a coder, and this was the best way to get started.
The course I was taking was a full-time coding bootcamp that teaches full-stack web development. I knew what I was getting into, but I still had no idea how entirely absorbing it would be. I found myself staying long after class was over, coming in on weekends, even missing meals at times. Not because I felt behind or wanted to outdo the other students, but because there were problems to be solved. Hours slid by at unbelievable rates. On days I felt especially tuned in I would be jarred unexpectedly by the arrival of the end of day discussion, which seemed far too early and out of place. I was learning about as fast as I ever had, and completely thrilled by it.
It would be negligent of me not to mention the instructors. The instructors for my course were Raine Lourie and Chris Rolfs, both very knowledgeable, excellent teachers, excellent bug hunters, and incredibly patient. I'm certain I would have learned a lot no matter where I went, but it's hard to imagine instructors much better than Raine and Chris. The course format, alternating between lecture and large blocks of coding time, seemed well thought-out and very effective, and I know they are very actively working to incorporate feedback from students to keep improving it. Their selection process must be awfully good too because my classmates were great, ranging from high powered business executives to math professors to guys a couple years out of high school and all of them were capable, enjoyable human beings.
By the end of the course I had a good set of both front and back end web development skills, and had branched out on my own to do some basic game development as well. Here are some examples of what I was doing early on, and then for my midterm, and final project.
I suppose I can't pass final judgement until I find out how well prepared I am to actually land that first job, but I thoroughly enjoyed my time at RefactorU and feel good about what I've accomplished. Of course, having found something fun that can lead to a good job certainly helps with the optimism. So wish me luck on that job, and if anyone out there has questions about getting into coding feel free to get in touch, I'd love to help!