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INSIDE the chateau paradizo
No.1 was having a lovely dream. In the dream, his mother was holding a surprise party for him, in honour of his graduation from warlock college. The food was scrump-tious. The dishes were cooked and most of the meat was already dead.
He was reaching for a beautifully presented basted pheas-ant in a basket of woven herb bread ropes, just like the one described in Chapter Three of Lady Heatherington Smythe's Hedgerow, when suddenly the vision retreated into the far distance, as though reality itself was being stretched.
No.l tried to follow the feast but it drew further and further away, and now his legs wouldn't work and No.l couldn't understand why. He looked down and saw to his horror that everything from his armpits down had turned to stone. The stone virus was spreading upwards across his chest and along his neck. No.l felt the urge to scream. He was suddenly terrified that his mouth would turn to stone before he could scream. To be petrified forever and hold that scream inside would be the ulti-mate horror.
No.l opened his mouth and screamed.
Billy Kong, who had been lounging on a chair watch-ing, snapped his fingers at a camera on the ceiling.
'The ugly one is awake,' he said. 'And I think it wants its mother.'
No.l stopped screaming when his breath ran out. It was a bit of an anticlimax really, starting out with a lusty howl and petering off to a reedy whine.
OK, thought No.l. / am alive and in the land of men. Time to open my eyes andjind out just how deep in the pig dung I actually am.
No.l cracked his eyes open warily, as though he might see something big and hard heading for his face at high speed. What he did see was that he was in a small bare room. There were rectangular lights on the ceiling that threw out the light of a thousand candles, and most of one wall was taken up by a mirror. There was a human, possi-bly a child, perhaps a female, with a ridiculous mane of blonde curls and an extra finger on each hand. The crea-ture was wearing a ludicrously impractical toga-type arrangement and spongy-soled shoes, with lightning bolts 170
embossed on the sides. There was another person in the room. A slouching, leering, thin man, who tapped a stac-cato rhythm on his leg. No.l 's eyes were drawn to the second human's hair. There were at least half a dozen colours in there. The man was a peacock.
No.l decided that perhaps he should raise his empty hands, to show that he wasn't carrying a weapon, but it's difficult to do that when you are tied to a chair.
'I'm tied to a chair,' he said apologetically, as though it was his fault. Unfortunately he said this in Gnommish and in the demon dialect. To the humans it sounded like he was trying to dislodge a particularly annoying blockage from his throat.
No.l resolved not to talk again. Doubtless he would say the wrong thing and the humans would have to ritually execute him. Thankfully the female seemed eager to chat.
'Hello, I am Minerva Paradizo and this man is Mister Kong,' she said. 'Can you understand me?'
It was all gibberish to No.l. Not a single recognizable word from the text of Lady Heatherington Smythe's Hedgerow.
He smiled encouragingly, to show he appreciated the effort.
'Do you speak French?' asked the blonde girl, then switched languages. 'How about English?'
No.l sat up. That last bit was familiar. Strange inflections, surely, but the words themselves were from the book.
'English?' he repeated.
This was the language of Lady Heatherington Smythe. Learned at her mother's knee. Explored in the lecture halls of Oxford. Used to profess her undying love for Professor Rupert Smythe. No.l loved the book. He sometimes believed that he was the only one who did. Even Abbot didn't seem to appreciate the romantic bits.
'Yes,' said Minerva. 'English. The last one spoke it well enough. French too.'
Manners must be appreciated somewhere outside a book, No.l had always thought, so he decided to give them a go.
He growled, which was the polite demon way of asking to speak in front of your betters. This must not be how humans interpreted it because the skinny human jumped to his feet, pulling out a knife.
'No, kind sir,' said No.l, hurriedly cobbling together a couple of sentences from Lady Heatherington. 'Prithee sheath thine weapon. I bring joyous tidings only.'
The skinny human was confounded. He spoke English as well as the next American, but this little runt was spout-ing some kind of medieval nonsense.
Kong straddled No.l, holding the knife to his throat.
'Talk straight, ugly,' said the man, deciding to give Taiwanese a go.
'I wish I could understand,' said No.l, shaking. Unfortunately he said this in Gnommish. 'What I… eh… meanest to say is…"
It was no good. Quotes from Lady Heatherington that he could generally shoehorn into any occasion just weren't coming under pressure.
'Talk straight or die!' shrieked the human into his face.
No.l shrieked right back at him. 'How can I talk straight, you son of a three-legged dog? I don't speak Taiwanese!'
All of this was said in perfect Taiwanese. No.l was stunned. The gift of tongues was not one demons possessed. Except the warlocks. More proof.
He intended to ponder this development for a few moments, now that the knife-wielding human had backed off, but suddenly the beauty of language exploded inside his brain. Even his own tongue, Gnommish, had been severely culled by the demons. There were thousands of words that had dropped from regular use on the basis that they did not relate to killing things or eating them, and not necessarily in that order.
'Cappuccino!' shouted No.l, surprising everyone.
'Excuse me?' said Minerva.
'What a lovely word. And manoeuvre. And balloon.'
The skinny man pocketed his knife. 'Now he's talking. If he's anything like the videos you showed me of the other one, we'll never get him to shut up.'
'Pink!' exclaimed No.l delightedly. 'We don't have a word for that colour in the demon commonspeak. Pink is considered undemonlike, so we ignore it. It's such a relief to be able to say pink!'
'Pink,' said Minerva. 'Fabulous.'
'Tell me,' said No.l. 'What is a candyfloss? I know the words, and it sounds… scrumptious… but the picture in my head cannot be accurate.'
The girl seemed pleased that No.l could talk, but slightly miffed that he had forgotten his situation.
'We can talk about candyfloss later, little demon. There are more important things to discuss.'
'Yes,' agreed Kong. 'The demon invasion, for example.'
No.l rolled the sentence round in his head. 'Sorry, my gifts must not be fully developed. The only meaning I have for invasion is a hostile entry of an armed force into a terri-tory.'
'That's the one I mean, you little toad.'
'Again, I'm a little confused. My new vocabulary is telling me that a toad is a froglike creature…' No.1 's face fell. 'Oh, I see — you're insulting me.'
Kong scowled at Minerva. 'I think I preferred him when he spoke like an old movie.'
'I was quoting scripture,' explained No.l, enjoying the shape of these new words in his mouth. 'From the sacred book: Lady Heatherington Smythe's Hedgerow.'
Minerva frowned, looking at the ceiling as she thought back in time. 'Lady Heatherington Smythe. Why is that familiar?'
'Lady Heatherington Smythe's Hedgerow is the source of all our human knowledge. Lord Abbot brought it back to us.' No.l bit his lip, shutting off his own babbling. He had said too much already. These humans were the enemy, and he had given them the blueprint to Abbot's plans. Blueprint. Nice word.
Minerva clapped her hands once, sharply. She had found the memory she was looking for.
'Lady Heatherington Smythe. My goodness, that ridicu-lous romance! Remember, Mister Kong?'
Kong shrugged. 'I don't read fiction. Manuals, mostly.'
'No, remember the video footage of the other demon. We let him have a book, he carried it around like a secur-ity blanket.'
'Ah, yes. I remember that. Stupid little goat. Always toting around that stupid book.'
'You know, you're repeating yourself,' said No.l, witter-ing nervously. 'There are other words for stupid. Dim, dense, slow, thick. Just to name a few. I can do Taiwanese if you prefer.'
A knife appeared in Kong's hand as if from nowhere.
'Wow,' said No.l. 'That's a real talent. A bravura in fact.'
Kong ignored the compliment, flipping the knife so he was holding the blade.
'Just shut up, creature. Or this goes between your eyes. I don't care how valuable you are to Miss Paradizo. To me, you and your kind are simply something to be wiped off the face of the Earth.'
Minerva folded her arms.
'I will thank you, Mister Kong, not to threaten our guest.
You work for my father, and you will do what my father tells you to do. And I am pretty sure my father told you to keep a civil tongue in your head.'
Minerva Paradizo may have been a precocious talent in many areas, but because of her age, she had limited ex-perience. From her studies, she knew how to read body language, but she did not know that a skilled martial artist can train himself to control his body, so that his real feel-ings are hidden. A true disciple of the discipline would have noted the subtle tightening of the tendons in Billy Kong's neck. This was a man holding himself in check.
Not yet, his stance said. Not yet.
Minerva returned her attention to No.1.
'Lady Heatherington Smythe's Hedgerow, you say?'
No.l nodded. He was afraid to speak in case his runaway mouth leaked any more information than it already had.
Minerva spoke now to the large mirror. 'You remem-ber that one, Papa? The most ridiculous fluffy romance you are ever likely to avoid like the plague. I loved it when I was six. It's all about a nineteenth-century English aristo-crat. Oh, who's the author… Carter Cooper Harbison. The Canadian girl. She was eighteen when she wrote it. Did absolutely no research. She had nineteenth-century nobles speaking like they were from the fifteen hundreds. Absolute tosh, so obviously a worldwide hit. Well, it seems our old friend Abbot brought it home with him. The cheeky devil has managed to sell it as gospel truth. It seems he has the rest of the demons spouting Cooper Harbison as though she were an evangelist.'
No.l broke his no-speaking vow. 'Abbot? Abbot was here?'
'Mais oui,' said Minerva. 'How do you think we knew where to find you. Abbot told us everything.'
A voice boomed through a wall-mounted speaker. 'Not everything. His figures were flawed. But my young genius Minerva figured it out. I'll get you a pony for this, darling. Whatever colour you like.'
Minerva waved at the mirror. 'Thank you, Papa. You should know by now that I don't like ponies. Or ballet.'
The speaker laughed. 'That's my little girl. What about a trip to Disneyland, Paris? You could dress as a princess.'
'Perhaps after the selection committee,' said Minerva with a smile. The smile was slightly forced, though. She did not have time for Disney dreams at the moment. 'After I am sure of the Nobel nomination. We have less than a week to question our subjects and organize secure travel to the Royal Academy in Stockholm.'
No.l had another important question. 'And Lady Heatherington Smythe's Hedgerow? It's not true?'
Minerva laughed delightedly. 'True? My dear little fellow. Nothing could be further from the truth. That book is a cringeworthy testament to teenage hormonal fabrication.'
No.l was stunned. 'But I studied that book. For hours.
I acted out scenes. I made costumes. Are you telling me that there is no Heatherington Hall?'
'No Heatherington Hall.'
'And no evil Prince Karloz?'
No.l remembered something. 'But Abbot came back with a crossbow, just like in the book. That's evidence.'
Kong joined the discussion; after all, this was his area of expertise. 'Crossbows? Ancient history, toad. We use things like these now.' Billy Kong drew a black ceramic handgun from a holster tucked in his armpit. 'This little beauty shoots fire and death. We've got much bigger ones too. We fly round the world in our metal birds and rain down exploding eggs on our enemies.'
No.l snorted. 'That little thing shoots fire and death? Flying metal birds? And I suppose you eat lead and blow golden bubbles too.'
Kong did not respond well to cynicism, especially from a little reptilian creature. In one fluid motion, he flicked the safety off his weapon and fired three shots, blowing apart the headrest of No.l 's seat. The imp's face was show-ered with sparks and splinters, and the sound of the shots echoed like thunder in the confined space.
Minerva was furious. She began screaming long before anyone could hear her.
'Get out of here, Kong. Out!'
She kept screaming this, or words to that effect, until their ears stopped ringing. When Minerva realized that Billy Kong was ignoring her commands, she switched to Taiwanese.
'I told my father not to employ you. You are an impul-sive and violent man. We are conducting a scientific experi-ment here. This demon is of no use to me if he is dead; do you understand, you reckless man? I need to communicate with our guest, so you must leave, because you obviously terrify him. Go now, I warn you, or your contract will be terminated.'
Kong rubbed the bridge of his nose. It was taking every shred of patience he had not to dispose of this whingeing infant right now and take his chances with her security. But it would be foolhardy to risk everything because he could not hold his temper for a few more hours. For now, he would have to content himself with some more insolence.
Kong took a small mirror from his trouser pocket and plucked at the gelled strands of his hair.
'I will go now, little girl, but be careful how you speak to me. You may come to regret it.'
Minerva split the fingers of her right hand into a W.
'Whatever,' she said in English.
Kong pocketed his mirror, winked at No.l and left. No.l did not feel comforted by that wink. In the demon world, you winked at your opponent in pitched battle to make clear your intention to kill him next. No.l got the distinct impres-sion that this spiky-haired human had that same intention.
Minerva sighed, took a moment to compose herself, then resumed her interview with the prisoner.
'Let's start at the beginning. What is your name?'
No.l supposed that was a safe question to answer. 'I have no real name, because I never warped. I used to worry about that, but now I seem to have a lot more to worry about.'
Minerva realized that her questions would have to be quite specific.
'What do people call you?'
'You mean human people? Or other demons?'
'Oh… right. They call me Number One.'
'Number One?'
'That's right. It's not much of a name, but it's all I have. And I console myself with the fact that it's better than Number Two.'
'I see. Well then, Number One, I suppose you would like to know what's going on here.'
No.l's eyes were wide and pleading. 'Yes, please.'
'OK then,' Minerva began, as she sat facing her pris-oner. 'Two years ago one of your pride materialized here. Just popped up in the middle of the night on the statue of D'Artagnan in the courtyard. He was lucky not to be killed actually. D'Artagnan's sword actually pierced one of his arms. The tip broke off inside.'
'Was the sword silver?' asked No.l.
'Yes. Yes it was. Of course we realized later that the silver anchored him to this dimension, otherwise he would have been attracted to his own space and time. The demon was, of course, Abbot. My parents wanted to call the gendarmes, but I persuaded them to bring the poor half-dead beast inside. Papa has a small surgery here that he uses for his more paranoid patients. He treated Abbot's burns, but we missed the silver tip until a few weeks later when the wound became infected and Papa did an X-ray. Abbot was quite fascinating to observe. Initially, and for many days, he flew into a psychotic rage whenever a human approached him. He tried to kill us all and vowed that his army was coming to exterminate humankind from the face of the Earth. He conducted long arguments with himself. It was more than split personality. It was as if there were two people in one body. A warrior and a scientist. The warrior would rage and thrash, then the scientist would write calculations on the wall. I knew that I was on to something important here. Something revolutionary. I had discovered a new species, or rather rediscovered an old one. And if Abbot really was to bring a demon army, then it was up to me to save lives. Human and demon. But of course, I am merely a child so no one would listen to me. But if I could record this and present it to the Nobel Committee in Stockholm, I could win the Physics prize and establish demons as a protected species. Saving a species would give me a certain satisfaction, and no child has ever won the prize before, not even the great Artemis Fowl.'
Something had been puzzling No.l. 'Aren't you a little young to be studying other species? And you're a girl too. That pony offer made by the magic voice box sounded pretty good.'
Minerva had obviously come across this attitude before. 'Times are changing, demon,' she snapped. 'Children are a lot smarter than they used to be. We're writing books, mastering computers, tearing apart scientific myths. Did you know that most scientists won't even acknowledge the existence of magic? Once you add magic into the energy equation, nearly all the current laws of physics are shown to be seriously flawed.'
'I see,' said No.l, not convincing anyone.
'I am exactly the right age for this project,' added Minerva. 'I am young enough to believe in magic and old enough to understand how it works. When I present you in Stockholm, and we put forward our thesis on time travel and magic as elemental energy, it will be a historic moment. The world will have to take magic seriously, and make ready for the invasion!'
'There is no invasion,' protested No.l.
Minerva smiled as a kindergarten teacher would at a fibbing child. 'I know all about it. Once Abbot's warrior personality became dominant, he told us about the Battle of Taillte and how the demons would return and wage a terrible war with the Mud Men, as he called us. There was a lot of blood and hacking of limbs involved.'
No.l nodded. That sounded like Abbot.
'That's what Abbot believed, but things have changed.'
'I explained that to him. I explained that he had been flitting through time and space for ten thousand years, and that we had come a long way since then. There are more of us than there used to be, and we didn't use crossbows any more.'
'You didn't? You don't?'
'You saw Mister Kong's gun. That's only a tiny example of the kind of weaponry we have. Even if your entire pride of demons arrived all together, armed to the teeth, it would take about ten minutes to have you all locked up.'
'Is that what you're going to do? Lock us up?'
'That was the plan, yes,' admitted Minerva. 'As soon as Abbot realized that the demons could never beat us, he changed his tactics. He voluntarily explained the mechanics of the time tunnel to me and in return I gave him books to read and old weapons to examine. After a few days' reading, he asked to be called Abbot, after General Leon Abbot in the book. I knew that once I presented Leon Abbot in Stockholm, it would be easy to get funding for an international task force. Whenever a demon popped up, we could tag him with silver and house him in an artificial demon community for study. Central Park Zoo was my preferred location.'
No.l ran the word zoo through his new lexicon. 'Aren't zoos for animals?'
Minerva gazed at her feet. 'Yes. I am rethinking that, especially having met you. You seem quite civilized, not like that Abbot creature. He was an animal. When he arrived, we tended his wounds, nursed him back to health, and all he could do was try to eat us. We had no choice but to restrain him.'
'So, you're not going to lock us up in a zoo any more?'
'Actually, I don't have a choice. Judging by my calcula-tions, the time tunnel is unravelling at both ends and deteri-orating along the shaft. Soon, any calculations will be unreliable and it will be impossible to predict where or when demons will materialize. I'm afraid, Number One, that your pride doesn't have long left before it disappears altogether.'
No.l was stunned. This was more information than anyone could absorb in one day. For some reason the demoness with the red markings flashed into his mind. 'Isn't there any way to help? We are intelligent beings, you know. Not animals.'
Minerva stood and paced, stretching one of her corkscrew curls.
'I have been giving this some thought. There's nothing that can be done without magic, and Abbot told me the warlocks all died in the transition.'
'It's true,' said No.l. He did not mention that he might be a warlock himself. Something told him that this was valuable information and it was not a good idea to reveal too much valuable information to a person who had tied you to a chair. He had said too much already.
'Maybe if Abbot had known about the time spell, he wouldn't have been so eager to get back to Hybras,' mused Minerva. 'Papa told him that there was a silver chip in his arm, and that very night he dug it out with his nails and disappeared. We have the whole thing on tape. I have wondered every day if he managed to make it home.'
'He made it,' said No.l. 'The time spell took him right back to the beginning. He never said anything about this place. Just turned up with the book and the crossbow, claiming to be our saviour. It was all lies.'
'Well then,' sighed Minerva, and she seemed genuinely sorry. 'I don't have a single idea about how to save the pride. Maybe your little friend in the next room can help when she wakes up.'
'What little friend?' asked No.l, puzzled.
'The one who knocked out Bobo, my brother. The little creature we captured trying to rescue you,' explained Minerva. 'Or, more accurately, trying to rescue an empty golf bag. She looks like a magical creature. Maybe she can help.'
Who would want to rescue a golf bag? wondered No.1.
The door opened a crack, and Juan Soto's head appeared in the gap.
'Not now,' snapped Minerva, waving at the man to go away.
'There's a call for you.'
'I'm not available. Take a number.'
The security guard persisted; he stepped into the room, one hand cupped over the mouthpiece of a cordless phone.
'I think you might want to talk to this person. He says his name is Artemis Fowl.'
Minerva gave So to her full attention.
'I'll take it,' she said, reaching for the phone.
The LEP recon field helmet is an amazing piece of equip-ment. The Section 8 field helmet, on the other hand, is a miracle of modern science. To compare the two would be akin to comparing a flintlock to a laser-sighted sniper rifle.
Foaly had taken full advantage of his almost unlimited budget to indulge his every tech-head fantasy and stuff the helmet with every piece of diagnostic, surveillance, defence and just plain cool equipment he could cram in there.
The centaur was vocally proud of the entire package. But if forced to pick just one add-on to brag about, he would go for the bouncing bags every time.
Bouncing bags in themselves were not a recent addition. Even civilian helmets had gel bags in between their outer and inner shells, which provided a bit of extra buffering in case of a crash. But Foaly had replaced the helmet's rigid outer shell with a more yielding polymer and then swapped the electro-sensitive gel for tiny electro-sensitive beads. The beads could be controlled with electronic pulses to expand, contract, roll or group, providing the helmet with a simple but highly effective propulsion system.
This little marvel can't fly but it can bounce wherever you want it to, Foaly had said earlier, when Holly was signing out her equipment. Only commanders get the flying helmets. I wouldn't recommend them though, the engine's field has been known to straighten perms. Not that I'm saying you have a perm. Or need one for that matter.
While No.l was being interrogated by Minerva, Foaly was flexing his fingers over the remote controls for Holly's Section 8 helmet. At the moment, the helmet was locked in a wire mesh strongbox at the rear of the security office.
Foaly liked to sing a little ditty while he worked. In this instance the song was the Riverbend classic: 'If It Looks Like a Dwarf and Smells Like a Dwarf, Then It's Probably a Dwarf (or a Latrine Wearing Dungarees)'. This was a rela-tively short title for a Riverbend song, which was the fairy equivalent of human country and western.
'When I got an itch I can't scratch,
When there's a slug in my vole stew,
When I got sunburn on my bald patch,
That's when I remember you…'
Foaly had considerately switched off his mike, so Artemis would not have the chance to object to his singing. In fact he was using an extremely old hard-wired antenna to send his signal, in the hope that no one in Police Plaza would pick up on his transmission. Haven City was in lockdown, and that meant no communications with the surface. Foaly was knowingly disobeying Commander Ark Sool's orders, and he was quite enjoying himself doing it.
The centaur donned a set of v-goggles through which he could see everything in the helmet's vista. Not only that, but the goggles' PIP facility gave him rear and side views from the helmet's cameras. Foaly already had control of the chateau's security systems; now he wanted to have a little peek through their computer files — something he could not do from Section 8 HQ, especially not with the LEP waiting to pounce on any signal coming out of the city.
The helmet was naturally equipped with wireless omni-sensor capabilities, but the closer he could get to an actual hard drive, the quicker the job could be completed.
Foaly pressed a combination key command on his v-keyboard. To anyone watching, it would have seemed like the centaur was playing an invisible piano, but in fact the v-goggles interpreted the movements as key strokes. A small laser pencil popped out of a hidden compartment just above the right ear-cushion of Holly's helmet.
Foaly targeted the wire mesh box's locking mechanism.
'One second burst. Fire.' Nothing happened, so Foaly swore briefly, turned on his microphone, and tried it again.
'One second burst. Fire.'
This time, a red beam pulsed from the pencil's tip, and the lock melted into metallic mush.
Always good to have the equipment switched on, thought Foaly, glad that no one had witnessed his mistake, especially not Artemis Fowl.
Foaly targeted a desktop computer at the far side of the office with a glare and three blinks.
'Compute bounce,' he ordered the helmet, and almost immediately an animated dotted arrow appeared on the screen, dipping once to the floor and then rising to the computer desk.
'Execute bounce,' said Foaly and............


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no responses. February 7, 2017 David Young
Tuesday Drive Home
Tuesday at 4:00, immediately following Phil G and The Progressive Palace, we'll shift gears for two hours of Americana Music for your Tuesday Drive Home! Today's […]
no responses. February 6, 2017 Phillip Gambutti
The Progressive Palace, Tuesday 2/7/17, 2:00-4:00
On this week's edition of THE PROGRESSIVE PALACE I'll be playing a wide variety of music sure to please any lover of Prog rock! I'll be […]
no responses. February 6, 2017 William Stoner
The Friday Morning Breakfast Bar 7-9am
Really? The "Best of 2017" two weeks in to February? Actually, yes and no. Every song this Friday on The Breakfast Bar will be one that […]
no responses. February 5, 2017 Mark Binder
"Yesterday's Dead Today", Monday, Feb. 6th, 7-9pm
"There Is NOTHING like a Grateful Dead concert!" Jerry Garcia Band, The Catalyst, Santa Cruz, CA February 7, 1980 MSC>DAT>CDR>WAV>SHN, all of first set except very […]
no responses. February 2, 2017 Lew Lorini
The Surreal News 9-10 AM Friday 2-3-17
Questions about the country's foreign policy and the role the intelligence community has traditionally played in those decisions have become daily and dire in the past […]
no responses. January 31, 2017 David Young
Today's Tuesday Drive Home
New music abounds as we'll hear the latest and greatest from Alison Krauss, Tift Merritt, The Travelin' McCoury's, Natalie Hemby, The Band of Heathens and Jenny […]
no responses. January 29, 2017 Mark Binder
"Yesterday's Dead Today", Monday, Jan. 30th, 7-9pm
"There Is NOTHING like a Grateful Dead concert!" Grateful Dead, San Francisco Civic Auditorium, San Francisco, CA January 30, 1987 SBD > MC > C > […]
no responses. January 26, 2017 Lew Lorini
The Surreal News 9-10 AM Friday 1-27-17
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no responses. January 25, 2017 David Young
Hawaii Bob & Friends Wednesday at 4:00
Hawaii Bob and the guys are on a well deserved day off today, so I'll be sitting in, trying to live up to the stellar radio […]
no responses. January 23, 2017 Phillip Gambutti
The Progressive Palace, Tuesday, 1/24, 2:00-4:00 pm
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The employees of Food Protection Services would like to welcome you to our web home. We are excited that you are willing to take a closer look at what we are so proud of – our company, our people, and the products, services, and training that we have to offer you. We are passionate about keeping grain, food, and other stored products safe. Many customers have recognized this and we want to prove this to you.
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2 bedroom terraced house for saleChardwar Gardens, Bourton-on-the-Water, Gloucestershire
Sold STC
Do you like this property?
Call: 01451 526024
Property Description
Key features
- Large Open Plan Reception Room
- Fitted Kitchen
- Ground Floor Shower Room
- 2 Double Bedrooms
- Large Bathroom
- Good Sized Courtyard Garden
- Single Garage
- Parking Space
- Communal Gardens & Grounds
Full description
A Cotswold stone corner terraced property set on the edge of this popular development for the Over 55s with a good sized private courtyard garden and immediately adjoining single garage and parking.
Location - Chardwar Gardens is set in the heart of the well known Cotswolds village of Bourton-on-the-Water, famous for its wide village green with the River Windrush running through. Bourton provides an excellent range of local shops and facilities within easy level walking distance. The area's larger commercial centres of Cheltenham, Cirencester and Oxford are within easy travelling distance with excellent access to the motorway network via the A40 to the south. There are main line rail services at Kingham (8 miles) (Paddington being approx. 80mins) and a comprehensive local bus network.
Description - No. 24 Chardwar Gardens comprises a substantial corner terraced Cotswold stone property of Cotswold stone elevations under a pitched plain concrete tiled roof with double-glazed windows throughout and a wing to the rear with cut stone quoins and mullioned window. The individual accommodation is arranged over two floors comprising a large open-plan Sitting Room/Dining Room with Inner Hall with Shower Room off and a Kitchen to the rear. On the first floor there are two double bedrooms and a large Bathroom. The property has a good sized private south- and west-facing rear courtyard garden with immediately adjoining parking/garage and a private access from the parking area.
Approach - Gabled entrance with a cut stone surround, outside light and opaque painted timber front door to
Entrance Hall - With tiled floor and fixed casement to front elevation, and a door to a built-in cupboard housing the electricity meter and fusebox with a Worcester gas-fired central heating boiler and water softener. From the Hall, painted timber door to the
Sitting Room/Dining Room - With stairs rising to the first floor, a pair of double-glazed casement windows to the front elevation, and double-glazed sliding French doors to the rear garden. Decorative fireplace fitted with a gas-fired coal effect fire, coved ceiling, two wall light points, door to below-stairs storage cupboard with shelving.
From the Sitting Room/Dining Room, painted timber door through to the
Inner Hall - With timber door with opaque glazed insert to rear garden and adjoining casement window, tiled floor, coved ceiling and door to
Ground Floor Shower Room - With tiled floor, low level WC, pedestal wash handbasin, shower cubicle with wall-mounted Mira Sport shower. Part-tiled walls.
From the Inner Hall, painted timber door to
Kitchen - With fitted kitchen comprising 1½ bowl stainless steel sink unit with mixer tap, with comprehensive range of cupboards and drawers below, space and plumbing for washing machine, ¾ height unit to one side with built-in refrigerator and freezer, Miele oven/grill, range of eye-level cupboards, worktop with 4-ring Miele gas hob, tiled splashback, double-glazed casement window to rear and mullion window with tiled sill to side elevation.
From the Sitting Room/Dining Room, stairs with painted timber handrail rise to the
First Floor Landing - With door to
Bedroom One - With double-glazed casement window to front elevation, and Velux dual-opening roof light and window to rear elevation. Range of built-in wardrobe cupboards. From the Landing, door to
Bedroom Two - With access to roof space, built-in over-stairs storage and Velux roof light and double-glazed window to front elevation. From the Landing, painted door to
Large Bathroom - With dual Velux windows to side elevation, shaver point and matching suite with low level WC, panelled bath with mixer tap and handset shower attachment, and oval wash handbasin with built-in cupboards below. Double sliding doors to extensive eaves storage, one cupboard housing the foam-lagged hot water cylinder, and further built-in cupboard with pine slatted shelving.
Outside - No. 24 Chardwar Gardens fronts into the Chardwar development, the property being set in the corner. Set to the rear of the property is a substantial private courtyard garden with part-gravelled and part-paved patio and terrace with part Cotswold stone walls surrounding and a gate leading out to the parking area to the rear with an immediately adjoining garage belonging to No. 24 with parking space to the fore. There is vehicular access to the parking area directly off Clapton Row, via a pair of metal gates.
Services - Mains Electricity, Gas, Water and drainage are connected.
Local Authority - Cotswold District Council, Trinity Road, Cirencester, Gloucestershire. Tel: 01285 623000
Council Tax - Band 'D' Rate payable for 2018 / 2019 £1660.83
Directions - From the Bourton office of Tayler & Fletcher, proceed in a Northerly direction in to the centre of the village. Opposite Londis, turn right over the river and Chardwar Gardens will be found shortly on the left hand side. If travelling by car, either proceed into Chardwar Gardens and park in a Visitors' Parking space and No.24 will be found on the right hand side. Alternatively, continue along Victoria Street and turn left in to Clapton Row. After a short distance, the rear entrance to Chardwar Gardens will be found on the left hand side and the garage and pedestrian gate to No.24 will be found in the corner.
Tayler & Fletcher and any Joint agents for themselves and for the Vendors of the property whose Agents they are, give notice that (i) These particulars are produced in good faith, are set out as a general guide only and do not constitute any part of a contract (ii) No person in the employment of or agent of or consultant to Messrs Tayler & Fletcher has any authority to make or give any representation or warranty whatsoever in relation to this property (iii) Measurements, areas and distances are approximate, Floor plans and photographs are for guidance purposes only and dimensions shapes and precise locations may differ (iv) It must not to be assumed that the property has all the required planning or building regulation consents. A list of the partners of Tayler & Fletcher LLP is available at each Tayler & Fletcher Office.
More information from this agent
To view this media, please visit the on-line version of this page at www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-75581813.html
Energy Performance Certificates (EPCs)
To view this media, please visit the on-line version of this page at www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-75581813.html
Listing History
Nearest station
- Kingham (5.7 mi)
Nearest schoolsUse the school checker
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To view this property or request more details, contact:
Tayler & Fletcher, Bourton On The WaterLondon House, High Street, Bourton-On-The-Water, GL54 2AP
How much will it cost me to call the number displayed on the site?
Standard geographic charges from landlines and mobiles apply and calls may be included in your telecom provider's call package.
To view this property or request more details, contact:
Tayler & Fletcher, Bourton On The WaterLondon House, High Street, Bourton-On-The-Water, GL54 2AP
How much will it cost me to call the number displayed on the site?
Standard geographic charges from landlines and mobiles apply and calls may be included in your telecom provider's call package.
Map & Street View
Street View is unavailable in this location
Nearest station
- Kingham (5.7 mi)
To view this property or request more details, contact:
Tayler & Fletcher, Bourton On The WaterLondon House, High Street, Bourton-On-The-Water, GL54 2AP
How much will it cost me to call the number displayed on the site?
Standard geographic charges from landlines and mobiles apply and calls may be included in your telecom provider's call package.
There are no nearby secondary schools found.
Nearby Schools:
Due to the frequency with which Inspection bodies, such as Ofsted, provide us with updates, there could be a delay of up to 8 weeks between a rating being updated and it being displayed on Rightmove. This data is provided for informational purposes only and Rightmove plc does not accept any liability for decisions based on this data. The data is sourced from Experian and contains public sector information licensed under the Open Government Licence v3.0. Experian does not accept responsibility for any inference or conclusion derived from the data by third parties.
Market Info
Disclaimer - Property reference 28183296. The information displayed about this property comprises a property advertisement. Rightmove.co.uk makes no warranty as to the accuracy or completeness of the advertisement or any linked or associated information, and Rightmove has no control over the content. This property advertisement does not constitute property particulars. The information is provided and maintained by Tayler & Fletcher, Bourton On The Water. Please contact the selling agent or developer directly to obtain any information which may be available under the terms of The Energy Performance of Buildings (Certificates and Inspections) (England and Wales) Regulations 2007 or the Home Report if in relation to a residential property in Scotland.
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The Plaza Hotel, with its marble lobby facing Fifth Avenue, crystal chandeliers, famed Palm Court and $35,000-a-night royal suite, has been a star of stage and screen in Manhattan for many decades.
Now it's at the center of an international battle over who will control one of New York's enduring icons.
Subrata Roy, the embattled chairman of the India-based Sahara Group and the principal owner of the Plaza, who has repeatedly put the hotel up for sale without ever making a deal, is looking for a buyer once again. The Wall Street Journal reported on Tuesday that Mr. Roy had hired the JLL Hotels and Hospitality Group, which has represented him and his company for years, to begin soliciting offers.
But Prince al-Waleed bin Talal of Saudi Arabia and Ashkenazy Acquisition Corporation, a New York investment and development company, which together own a 25 percent stake in the hotel, have their own plans for the Plaza. And they don't include Mr. Roy.
The prince, who has been an owner of the hotel since 1995, formed a partnership with Ashkenazy earlier this year to buy out Mr. Roy and restore the Plaza to its five-star grandeur. Under the ownership agreement, the partners have the right to match any offer for the hotel and to take it over, according to real estate executives who have been briefed on the agreement and who spoke anonymously because they were not authorized to disclose the details.
"We are not selling our stake and are comfortable with our rights relating to any sale by others," said Sarmad Zok, chief executive of the prince's company, Kingdom Hotel Investments. "We are proud to have partnered with Ashkenazy to reinstate the glory of this unique asset."
The partners have a plan for an extensive modernization program to better compete with other five-star hotels in Manhattan and to reopen areas of the hotel that have been bogged down in renovations. The Plaza's famous Oak Room and the wood-paneled Oak Room Bar have been closed for the past six years.
Whether Mr. Roy and Sahara truly intend to sell or are merely trying to bolster the price, they appear to be pressing forward.
"We'll solicit bids," said Jeffrey Davis, an international director of JLL, who is overseeing the bidding for Sahara. "It's the most iconic real estate asset in the world. It'll garner international attention."
Mr. Davis declined to comment on whether Kingdom Hotel Investments has a right to match the highest bid for the property under the partnership agreement.
The Plaza is not the only old-line luxury hotel in a state of flux. In 2015, China's Anbang Insurance Group bought the Waldorf Astoria hotel on Park Avenue for $1.95 billion. The hotel has since closed for renovations, which may take as long as three years. The chairman of Anbang, Wu Xiaohui, was detained in June by authorities in China.
But the 110-year old Plaza has a sterling pedigree and an honored place in American culture. The hotel, with its Beaux-Arts décor, 24-karat gold-plated fixtures and genteel tearoom, has always seemed to define hotel luxury. Room rates start at more than $600 a night.
F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald lived there and the Beatles stayed there on their first trip to America. Josephine Baker, Lena Horne and Andy Williams sang there. Miles Davis recorded a live album in the hotel's Persian Room and Truman Capote held his famous Black and White Ball in the ballroom.
The Plaza is a setting for Kay Thompson's "Eloise" books and Meg Cabot's "The Princess Diaries." It figures in more than 30 movies, including "Barefoot in the Park," "Plaza Suite" and "American Hustle."
Even today, more than a century after it opened, the Plaza remains in the rarefied company of a handful of ultraluxury hotels in New York, including the Four Seasons, the Mandarin Oriental, the Pierre, the St. Regis, and the Carlyle. But with new rivals like Baccarat and Park Hyatt, real estate analysts say, the Plaza has to step up.
"That property is very beautiful and gets a great room rate," said Thomas P. McConnell, who heads the global hotel practice at Cushman & Wakefield, a real estate company, "but it needs to be brought up to a modern luxury standard. The Oak Room and the Edwardian Room are sitting fallow."
But any buyer of "the Plaza hotel" is not getting the entire 19-story French Chateau-style building, which has been carved into pieces in recent years.
It is a tangled history.
Westin Hotels sold the Plaza in 1988 to Donald J. Trump, who described the hotel as a work of art, for $390 million. Teetering at the edge of bankruptcy, Mr. Trump was forced by his lenders to sell to a group led by Prince al-Waleed in 1995 for $325 million. The prince installed Fairmont Hotels as manager of the property.
The prince in turn sold the 805-room hotel for $675 million to an Israeli company, the Elad Group. Elad burnished the public spaces and turned half the building into condominiums, selling 181 apartments for a combined $1.4 billion.
The "hotel" became more of a boutique operation, with 131 rooms. There are an additional 150 condominium-hotel units that are privately owned but often available for overnight guests.
Elad sold a 50 percent interest in the hotel and a 25 percent interest in the condominium-hotel units to Prince Al-Waleed, while retaining the retail spaces at the Plaza.
Mr. Roy, chairman of Sahara Group, came on the scene in 2012 when he paid Elad $570 million for the other half of the hotel, the retail spaces and 100 of the hotel-condominium units. Ultimately, Mr. Roy expanded his stake to 75 percent of the hotel, while Prince Al-Waleed retained 25 percent overall.
Mr. Roy then brought in Sant Singh Chatwal, an Indian-American hotelier, to operate the retail spaces, including the Oak Room and the Palm Court, and gave him 5 percent of the hotel.
But in 2014, Mr. Roy ran afoul of the courts in India, where Sahara is accused of failing to repay small investors and lenders as much as $4 billion. The courts are now forcing Mr. Roy to sell assets.
His friend, Mr. Chatwal, had his own legal problems in the United States, where he pleaded guilty in 2014 to funneling illegal campaign contributions to three candidates, including Hillary Clinton.
The possible sale of the Plaza has attracted wide-ranging interest over the past three years, including, according to news reports, from Pras Michel, a founding member of the hip-hop group the Fugees, a Chinese company and a Qatari sovereign-wealth fund. There were once rumors that Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah of Brunei had put down $2 billion for the Plaza, although he categorically denied it.
Mr. Roy and Sahara are hoping that a buyer will emerge with a stratospheric offer for the right to own a trophy hotel in New York. But the prince's ownership rights may give potential buyers pause. At the same time, the New York hotel market has slowed over the past year as revenues has flatlined and expenses have risen.
"I can't imagine anybody coming along and giving them $500 million," said Sumner A. Baye, a 40-year veteran of the hotel industry.


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Noggles, a Japanese start-up, turns scrap wood into beautiful decorations and accessories.
Yoshiyuki Ueno worked in a large furniture manufacturing plant, where large boards of hardwood were cut into furniture pieces, such as bed frames and desks. The leftover scraps were too small to be used for building furniture, so the manufacturer simply dumped them in the trash. Appalled by the waste of high-quality hardwood, such as Cherry and Oak, Ueno decided to take scraps home to his personal workshop, where he hand-crafted the leftover wood into various accessories and decorations. His work includes everything from vases to earrings and due to the process of combining scrap wood, his creations take on a multi-colored, mosaic-like quality. Noggles is currently in talks with Canadian distributors, aiming for an early 2018 launch.
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Today my back hurt the moment I got out of bed. And, of course, it went downhill from there. Pills, pills, and more pills and nothing really helped. It was busy busy busy today and I didn't get to eat much. I think those pills laid in my stomach for a long while, waiting for me to eat something before they began to work. Finally more that halfway home, I stopped at the office supply place and was able to manage getting out of and back into the van as well as going into the store and grabbing some Sharpies. I have been fighting with the Sharpies I have to label canning jars as they are dry. So, now I have more.
Today was supposed to be the day I used my coupon for $15 off $100 which is more than the % discount I get as an employee. I hurt so badly I gave up on the paint. I knew I couldn't get through it all--standing around while they mixed the paint, standing in line to pay for it, and then getting it loaded into the van. Sad, but no extra discount for me............
Yesterday it was my lungs. I have mentioned before about the two people at work who wear pachouli oil and how badly it effects my lungs. Well, the lady works the late shift and so I am usually pretty well away from her. But the man, Oh, Lord. Yesterday I went to Lumber to relieve someone and spent a good bit of time down there. The person I had relieved had, previously, relieved Mr. After Shave. I got some on me. Not my hands, because, believe me, I washed my hands. I think on my face as I had to use the phone a couple of times. In any case, I breathed in that smell off and on the rest of the day. I finally volunteered to go home early (we had the inexplicable "cast of thousands" so I was NOT needed). I was never quite so happy, I think, to take a shower and change my clothes! It took a long while for my lungs to agree to properly process oxygen!
I've done the outside watering. There are now 2 tiny green sprigs where I planted those potatoes so maybe I'll have at least 2 plants. I fixed myself a cucumber salad with sour cream dressing. That was dinner unless I go digging around in the fridge for something more.
I don't think I told you, but I went ahead and ordered that electric teakettle from Amazon. The glory of this thing is that it shuts itself off when the water reaches the "perfect" temperature for a pour over brew. I've been working at making a decent cup of coffee in the French Press. I watched a number of videos on youtube on the subject, but I think it comes down to matter of individual taste. For the size French Press I have, and according to my taste, I think it's 5 scoops of coffee. This is some specialty scoop I had lying around and as long as I don't lose it, I'll be okay, LOL. Anyway, this gives me coffee grounds to add to the compost pile. That's a good thing because our soil around here is very alkaline. A little acid from coffee grounds will be a help. I don't think I'll abandon the Keurig altogether. I'm such a zombie in the mornings that I almost view the Keurig as a safety precaution. Only God knows what I might accidentally brew up when I first get up. But I am finally able to turn out an acceptable cup of java in the afternoon or evening. So, at least I will make a major cut in k-cups I need to purchase.
My new shorts (2 pairs) arrived yesterday and I'm wearing one pair today. It is such a comfort buying them from QVC and KNOWING they will fit. I SO appreciate that QVC forces their manufacturers to conform to certain measurements for their various sizes. Once you figure out your size, you're set for life! And, of course, they wear forever. I have one pair still on waitlist. I may or may not get those. That was the only possibility as this late in the season, I didn't have many choices..........The ones that came yesterday are white and denim. We are supposed to wear black or khaki or denim, but no one objects to the white and, of course, all these color choices go with anything.
Now it's on to other chores.............


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In cases where there are differences between the buyers and the sellers we pass this risk to the market maker which covers the risk.


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I've chose to compose about a rather more obscure Disney film, Magnificence and the Beast: Belle's Magical Planet. In its 2nd weekend, the movie ongoing to maintain the very best positioning and fell slowly by forty eight% earning another $90.4 million to sign-up the fourth-most important second weekend of all time, and also the third-most signific
Attractiveness Plus the Beast Il Viaggio Di Martis
Disney tidak primary-main ketika mengutarakan idenya untuk membuat versi Dwell motion dari movie-film animasi legendarisnya, melihat kesuksesan Jungle Guide yang rilis pada tahun 2016 yang lalu, kali ini giliran Splendor as well as Beast yang mendapat kehormatan dan rencananya akan rilis pada hari Jumat, 17 Maret 2017, sebelum
Magnificence Can be a Beast Script
I bear in mind reading through Elegance and also the Beast †as a baby and later watching Bangla telefilm on similar to a teen. This was the functionality of a life span for lots of the Solid of this pretty Exclusive musical and essential see for any legitimate musical supporter. Misplaced in the forest, Belle's father Maurice seeks refuge fr
E Displays Us Our Probable Long term
So adore it or loathe it The brand new Beauty and also the Beast is popping out whether we like it or not. Untuk menonton Attractiveness as well as Beast secara on the web melalui connection Pencuri Motion picture. Once on the Beast's castle, It's not necessarily Demise that awaits Belle, but a wierd and fantastical daily life not like just about a
80s Family members Halloween Motion pictures (Aka Child Friendly Horror)
Spoilers in advance for quite a few Disney movies. Something to get grateful for when seeing this movie (which is right, one thing) is that the majority of the initial Solid returned to revive their roles, but Unfortunately even that isn't plenty of to redeem this disaster which, in my honest opinion, ought to be locked inside the Disney fault for


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Along the road Next move? Truckin! I'm watching The bridge The waiting Princess. Evening departure Stormy Monday Fossils Night in the country Rural road Sunset Panorama Outside the window Aged shiraz My first Milky Way bow Still at Rockford What's that? Flowering furiously New moon Down the beach Remembering? Crucifix orchids Working the winery Sand and surf The jetty Along the coast Derelict Lazing on a sunny afternoon Afternoon light More 'Haystacks' Murphy's Haystack Big and bare Caught some! Remembering Watching Red Wattlebird Watching the oysters Late sunset Coastal sunset Going fishing HMAS Whyalla The lilies are flowering The beach is yours... Along the road The winery
Posted on 04/03/2018
Photo taken on April 29, 2012
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" Bilder aus der Region wo ich wohne... Photos de la région où je vis ...Pictures from the region where I live ..."
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Rock pool
Here's a pleasant little rock pool. I'm about to rock off travelling for the next week, so my apologies if I don't catch up soon. Here's a musical track if you'd like to match sight and sound. Cheers for now.
Marco F. Delminho, buonacoppi, Helena Ferreira, Luiza Marilu Palacio Lu and 36 other people have particularly liked this photo
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