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Forums, Share Your Story › Forums › Relationship Forums › Emotional Abuse Forums › The Woman I Loved Abused Me Horrifically
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- AnonymousInactiveFebruary 10, 2016 at 7:46 amPost count: 48
I decided to write this more for myself than anything else, to be honest. I have not spoken of this in-depth to anyone at all.
I guess this is my way of acknowledgment of what happened and a way of figuring out my truth from all I experienced. There is a lot to acknowledge here.
I am not wanting nor expecting anyone to solve my problems or offer me advice on how to get through it; however, I accept any offerings from people who might wish to comment. It is an open-door policy, I guess. So here it goes.
It was my first trip overseas. I went to the UK to meet my partner and her kids. I was staying with her and the kids in Jersey, the Channel Islands, where she had resided all her life. A few days before Christmas day in 2015, my partner had gone out and returned home with her ex quite a few hours later. She packed a few things and then stood in front of me with her ex by her side and told me that my flights would be booked back to Australia in the next few days and walked out on me with her ex.
I am still trying to work out in those moments when nothing, not one word would even come out of my mouth when she was standing in front of me with her ex beside her. I remember staring into her eyes quite profoundly and nodding my head. That is all I did. The last thing I did as they were walking out the door was said well. I wish you both a long and happy life together. I don't even want to talk about the reply I got given to me.
On the night she walked out, I never saw her and the kids again. Not because I did not want to, I was not allowed to. The next two days, many threats were being made towards me by her ex. I was told to stop talking to the kids and never to speak to them again, that I was trash and if I contacted her or the kids ever again, she would have me charged with harassment. This was from her ex to be clear, not from my partner at the time. There was no warning that it was going to happen, so it was extremely traumatizing for me.
Consequently, my flights were not booked back to Australia either. My trip was only scheduled to Gatwick airport, and I was sent a text message that a taxi would pick me up at such a time that the driver would have an envelope to give me all the paperwork that I needed and a little bit of cash. I was not told where my flights were going at all and no other information besides that she would check me in online, should I not get that flight and instead return to the property the police would be called, and they would have me removed.
This was all sent to me via text message to my phone from her ex. I cottoned on eventually when she refused to tell me my flight details back to Australia. When I questioned it with her, she finally admitted they were only to Gatwick, and I would need to go to the Australian Embassy in London to sort myself out. I did leave within just over 24 hours of this happening.
I texted her ex to let her know I had vacated the premises, and I would not be returning. I also notified her that she could stick her flight and that I would leave Jersey when I was ready and not when she told me to go. I won't even repeat what I received back from her.
I had already booked my return flight home; however, about a month before it all happened, my partner and I discussed alternative arrangements for my flight home, so I let my flight go. I was left without any funds coming in as legally, I was not allowed to work on my tourist visa nor had any access to public recourse or resources. This left me with no way of being able to fly home to Australia.
A lot of people would see that as a stupid mistake; however, I trusted my partner; I believed that she was as deeply in love with me as I was with her. That does not mean I am excusing the fact that I should have thought a bit more about it before doing that, I cannot change it now. I was in love with her, and I wanted to marry her. We had talked about marriage, and she said she wanted to get married. I don't think I should be sorry for loving someone at all.
What I mean is, I felt tremendous love for this woman and the kids, yet it was more than love. There was a huge connection that I am not ready to confront yet again within myself. I acknowledged the connection while we were together. Of course, as it was very spiritual and I had a lot of experiences, spiritual and otherwise, things I have never felt before to such a massive degree, so in this way, it has made things much harder for me to sort out in my head. This will all take the time to unravel and get to the truth. It is not such an easy thing to figure out.
Thankfully, I had met a few people while I was in Jersey, they happened to live around the corner from my partner's house at the time, and I contacted them as I did not know what my options were. I was a long way from home, and in a country, I barely knew. Besides that, I was in massive shock and still very much traumatized. I am a highly sensitive being, and I do believe things hit me harder than the average person as a result of that. I mean, that would hit anyone hard unless you are like made out of stone or something.
They could see I was in a desperate situation, and they kindly offered me their basement room to stay in free of charge. They were so good to me during that time.
The people I was staying with did everything they could to assist me with getting me back to Australia from Jersey. However, their resources for me were also stretched. They decided the best thing to do was to put me on a plane to Gatwick, and my only option was to go to the Australian Embassy in London and tell them my situation. So, I got on a flight to Gatwick and went to the Australian Embassy from the airport.
I was lucky enough to get in to see a consular officer; they had finished seeing people for the day as the cut off was at two-thirty pm. It took me four hours alone to get from Gatwick airport to The Australian High Commission in London. It took me that long to get there due to my state of mind and just the state of my entire soul.
I was there for a few hours. Unfortunately, they do not help Australians with flights home, which I already knew, but well, I did not know what else to do. I had to tell them I was homeless in London, had no money and nowhere to go. The consular officer gave me a few shelters I could approach.
I left the Australian Embassy and walked to the closest shelter called St Martins on the square. I saw a worker there and told him about my situation and what had brought me to them. They were supportive, caring, and helpful to me. I was grateful they listened to me.
I spent one night only on the streets, and in the early hours of the morning, two outreach workers found me on the streets. From there, they took me to a shelter where I got an hour's sleep. In the morning, I got referred to another shelter that would be able to help me more, and I made my way there.
It was freezing being winter, and it rained most of the night. I could not sleep at all on The Strand in London. There were many people and traffic to contend with. It is quite scary, especially being in a foreign country. I was also still in shock, tired, and just trying to work out what I was going to do. My mind and heart were a complete mess. You have got to keep quiet vigilant on the streets too. The streets are not a nice place for anyone to be regardless of who you are.
People can be very judgmental towards homeless people. I was thinking every minute about how to survive and try to get through it. It is hard not being able to have a shower and having very little money. One of the most terrible things about being homeless is keeping it together as much as you possibly can to survive on the streets. Mentally it is completely draining and also can be physically very tiring as well. Some days you just can't be bothered moving anywhere as you feel so utterly exhausted in every way, so I know at times I was very discouraged and just felt like giving up.
Initially, when I got there, I was not in a good way. I needed to work out in my head what was going on as I had not come to terms with anything that I had experienced. I was very much still in shock and in 'survival mode.' I had not had any time to feel anything at all about anything that had happened to me before becoming homeless. I was taking steps without really being aware of every step I was taking; I was doing what I had to do.
In my mind, I did not believe they would help me, and I was waiting to hear the words that I was going to be moved on. It took me a while to believe and trust that I was being helped and that the staff did care about me. At that stage, I was having great difficulty in trusting anyone at all and still have my struggles with that.
It took me about two days to allow myself to feel safe and trust that I was safe in my surroundings at the shelter. Even then, I was still very guarded if I sensed I was unsafe or in any danger. It does take a while to stop thinking you need to be vigilant as the memories do stick with you.
I cannot praise the staff enough. They are so fantastic at what they do for everyone, and they are full of love and care. It is not an easy job they have on their hands at all, and they are just amazing, how they handle and cope with everyone. They deal with many people every day with a broad spectrum of issues. The way they handle it just really impressed me so much and gave me a tiny bit of my faith back in humanity. I hope they receive more recognition for the work they do.
The staff listened and gave me their time whenever I needed to speak to someone or ask something. They made sure I ate and were always there for me. They assisted me with my full flight back to Australia. I was so shocked when they told me they were going to pay for my flight home. I could not believe it was real at all.
Sadly, I did not think I was going home until I was holding the tickets in my hand, and only then could I accept it was real. One of the workers came with me to the airport; I was so grateful to have him with me all the way there until I got my tickets. I was thankful for the company, and it took my mind off things I did not want to think about. He was just marvelous and good to me, and the bonus was he knew London better than I did.
So I have been back in Australia now since the 15th of January 2016. All of it still makes my head spin, and I know it is going to take me some time to get through this all and work it all out. I am not the same person I once was, though; this has changed me so much. I lost a lot through this experience.
I lost my home back in Australia a week before I came back, I was officially homeless, and I stayed in a hotel for nine days, money was running out, and I knew if I did not do something I was going to be on the streets. It was a hard reality to face. Thankfully that did not happen, and a homeless organization gave me a place to live. I can stay for as long as I like.
My family relationships have all fallen apart at the seams, so I am working on that myself. I am working on everything myself. Some days I do not know who I am anymore, and I guess I am re-discovering myself again. I know I won't be the same again after this, and I am not the same.
There are significant grief and loss I am facing. I am grieving the death of me. It is the only way I can describe it. Although it is not 'physical death,' I feel like I did die. I cannot explain the feeling.
Spiritually, I was being abused as well. A lot of people are not aware that abuse does not just have to be emotional, psychological, or physical, or even all three. It can be spiritual and financial, as well. Slowly as I am unraveling it all, I can see I was being abused by other things that happened that I have not mentioned here.
It is tough to come to terms with the fact that the person whom you trusted profoundly and was extremely vulnerable to, in so many ways, abused you so horrifically. It is harrowing, yet to not acknowledge it and work at coming to terms with it leads you to believe still that this person loved you. I am not sure what to feel right now, it has only been a short time, so I think I should cut myself some slack.
I will say that physically you can heal your wounds if you are hit, the emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse is a lot harder to work through.
I am amazed at myself, and all I have been through. I am a very spiritual person, it is of great importance in my life and always will be. I cannot live without walking my spiritual walk. It would feel empty.
Anyhow, as I said, I am open to comments, questions, and so forth. It would be nice to talk about it openly without being judged. If it is one thing I cannot stand is pity or people feeling sorry for me. Empathy and compassion are beautiful. However, I do not like sympathy or anyone to feel sorry for me. I kind of feel insulted in that way.
I was a great partner, incredibly supportive and loving. I loved the kids. I wasn't perfect and am not perfect, who is? I am the type of person who can look at myself, within myself and I have and still do ask myself many questions about how I was in the relationship. If I mistreated her at some point if I did something so wrong to deserve this and so forth. My answer is always NO. It is just hard, after the level of abuse, get said something often enough you eventually start to believe it.
What I also think, though, is I wanted to grow and grow and grow. So whenever she pointed out something to me because I trusted her with everything in me. I never wanted her to be unhappy because of me, so I would work on myself more and more until I believed I could do nothing right anymore as it just got worse. First, it was just here and there, and then it got worse and worse. I am only just starting to see it all slowly now.
This is very messy writing, it has been hard to write about it, and I hope it makes some sense to the reader.
Thanks for reading.
To Read the Original Story Please Click Here - Emotional Abuse ForumsAnonymousParticipantFebruary 11, 2016 at 5:41 amPost count: 1281
Thank you for sharing your story Lee. I am very moved by what you went through. You say that a part of you died. I think that a new part of you was born. This experience changed you at your core. You can never be the same person again. But without this experience you wouldn't have learned so much about yourself and the world around you.
As a person you are nothing but your memories, your experiences, your emotions. This shocking ordeal allows you to become a better person or a worse person. You could become bitter about people (especially your ex and her boyfriend), but from what I see in your story you are someone who easily transcends that. They were wrong in the way they treated you even though they may justify what they did to themselves. You can forgive them and move on.
Could I even say you could thank them? Without knowing it they have created the new Lee. I believe that this experience didn't harm you to the point that you can't recover.
Think about the people who helped you. the compassion they showed. You know that in your darkest days there were kind souls who helped you. This motivates you to help people. The next time you see a homeless person how will you judge them? So you really are a better person.
You are hurt but not broken. In fact you are now stronger and more compassionate than at any other time in your life. You are more spiritual. In 20 years of mundane living you would never have learned what you learned during these recent testing times.
You have seen both darkness and light. You can only be better. Welcome to the new Lee.AnonymousParticipantFebruary 11, 2016 at 8:59 amPost count: 1281
Whoa man! This is some heavy stuff you've been through! Thanks for sharing your experience as it gives one another perspective on life.
I guess (without ANY offense) that you got what you asked for, in a way that you couldn't have prepared for. What I mean by that is you wanted to grow as a person, and life gave you this chance and now you can rise from the ashes like a phoenix.
Keep fighting man, I'm totally sure that you'll look back at this experience with thankfulness.NatalieGuestFebruary 11, 2016 at 9:34 amPost count: 24109
I know what you are going through and don't judge you an ounce…I admire your courage to rise above, stay positive and share your story with others. Thank you for sharing.BenGuestFebruary 11, 2016 at 10:08 amPost count: 24109
I'm speechless really. Your still here and it is a testament to your strength.
How strange on this very day I get this message. I am facing a certain situation, not being abused but I was asked to leave the place I was living at. I was handed a check and today I made my way to a shelter. But I'm worried because I don't have a job and I don't want the money to run out. Thankfully I will keep this life changing story in mind. Thank you for sharing your experience here and I wish you the happiness you deserve.DeeGuestFebruary 11, 2016 at 10:58 amPost count: 24109
NAMASTE Lee! It wasn't by chance that I came to read your story. I have in detail, nearly the same story. My abuse was so shocking and horrific that it led me on a search to find out exactly the how's whys and who's of this world.
What I found was destiny. My abuse had led me to my "AWAKENING". I found out who I am, who my abuser is, and why. We are a piece of God come to this planet to LEARN LIFE LESSONS. I learned that we have a soulmate that we sign contracts with before coming here to this planet, the contracts are that one of the soulmates is a teacher and the other is to learn a life lesson, sometimes both of them are to learn.
If the lesson isn't learned then the person or persons will continue to go through a cycle of the same scenario (different people) until the lesson is learned. Lee when I learned this, I kept searching, because my spirit kept leading me, I had to learn UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and FORGIVENESS. I thought I was a victim, I thought someone had to pay for the suffering I had endured. I thought my God would be angry and avenge me of the pain. I am a piece of God and I came to cloak in humanity and suffer and turn around and STILL LOVE AND FORGIVE my abuser, for he knows NOT WHAT HE HAS DONE. Learn the lesson from your pain, don't let it be wasted. We are here to learn, to evolve, to raise the vibrations on this planet to make a new and better one.
Welcome Lee to the AGE of AQUARIUS, where one is initiated into the AWAKENING of their God consciousness in the highest form, by severe test. If you pay attention and stand these tests you are given divine guidance to really know WHO YOU ARE.AnonymousParticipantFebruary 11, 2016 at 12:03 pmPost count: 1281
This was a so beautifully written. You wrote so honestly about your experiences and truth is always beautiful even in the midst of darkness. You are so very strong and indeed a different individual than you once were. Our souls choose specific lessons for us to learn before we incarnate into this life, and your soul chose a difficult situation but you were able to move through it and you're stronger because of it! This is truly inspirational. You are truly a survivor, no longer a victim, and this has been a blessing to read. Continue writing for this is a route for releasing energy.
Amber ChoisellaSoniaGuestFebruary 11, 2016 at 3:44 pmPost count: 24109
I can definitely relate to your situation in regards to being spiritually abused.
It is a very hard thing for some people understand.
I would recommend that you refer to your spirit guides as your journey has been a lesson, and they are the only ones that can help you understand it.
I truly believe there is a great plan for you.
Follow your spirit listen to it. It will never steer you wrong.
Sending many prayers on your behalf.AnonymousParticipantFebruary 11, 2016 at 3:53 pmPost count: 1281
Hello Lee, That was quite a life experience you had. I get the impression you started your journey with that woman as an innocent, vulnerable, loving young man who trusted too easily.
It is not a fault, we are all innocent in the beginning. We mostly get gradually awakened to the harshness, that not everyone is who they purport themselves to be. Unfortunately, that woman you loved, hit like a Mack Truck!
Of course you are shaken, she litterly changed your reality. Now the important thing is to learn from this, so it doesn't happen again. That doesn't mean you let yourself become jaded.
It means you don't open yourself up as easily, and people must earn your trust before you give trust to them. A person's actions must also be equal to what they say their actions are. eg: If they don't behave in the manner they say they behave then be suspect of them in general.
You seem to be an intelligent young man and I believe this will just become a bad memory not worth thinking about, because you got the lesson, and you won't need another. Good luck to young man!AnonymousInactiveFebruary 11, 2016 at 6:58 pmPost count: 48
Hi David,
Thank you for sharing with me that you were moved by my story. That feeback is very welcome. David, I think consciously I chose to die. I am relucatant to write about it as of yet because it is very important to me to be honest about my truth. I am on a very very deep inner journey right now more so than ever before so while I am sorting myself out I am very quiet within myself. I am yet to come to my own understanding of many many things and it is a slow process.
I have not become a worse. bitter or jaded person over this. Of course I have that opportunity to be so if I wish, however I choose not to because it does not stand for whom I am or whom I want to be in life. I will not deny, I am very hurt, of course there is still anger and so much needing clarification. It is yet another massive undertaking for me in my life. I am not going to deny any of my feelings and thoughts, however in saying that I am extremely aware of myself in this world and will continue healing myself.
I am not yet ready to forgive them both for their cruelty and horrible actions, however I am willing to work towards a journey of forgiveness when I feel I am truly ready to forgive them both with all my heart and know that I truly mean it. Knowing that I truly mean it is the most important thing to me. Right now I would not mean it if I said it so I am not there yet. One thing I will say is I am sad for both of them for what they are and have done to themselves. I feel sad for both of them in different ways.
One day I might thank them for what they did very quietly, who knows? At this moment, I think I will need to just use my own wisdom and I am getting pretty good at honoring what feels right in me to do even if it makes no sense at the time, I just have to honor all of it really. God never makes a mistake ever. It might seem unconventional to many people, however God works in intricate and amazing ways.
Actually, prior to all of this happening I do and have done a lot of work for the homeless publicly and not so publicly and will continue to do so in my own way and nope I do not judge them. I have given tonnes of my love and I just absolutely love that.
David, I am 36 years old and I can well and truly say with much conviction and so much truth and love that my 36 years of life experience on this planet we call earth and all my learning from previous lives as well as this momentous time on our planet is well beyond 36 years of age. In 36 years I have lived a life that most would have taken 60 or 70 years of experience. It is a massive life for me this life. So I can agree with your 20 years of mundane living comment.
Yes, I have seen both darkness and light and learnt so much. Thank you for taking the time to write, share and read my story. All the best for 2016 David 🙂AnonymousInactiveFebruary 11, 2016 at 7:14 pmPost count: 48
Hello KG,
However sharing myself and my story has helped you gain another perspective on life and your journey in particular, I am happy for it.
I am not sure yet if I can agree with you that I got what I asked for, I am still unravelling this all really. I am not saying you may not have a point, it is just important to me that I find my own truth in it all. I am thankful for you sharing your perspective on it though.
I shall keep going along my journey and maybe one day I can look back on this with thankfulness when I have dealt with all my feelings and emotions which can often cloud many things when you have been through a lot. I am in a space at the moment where I am overwhelmed by the events in my life of the past 5 months in particular, never mind my entire life. I am sort of having a serious life review really.
All the best for 2016 KG.AnonymousInactiveFebruary 11, 2016 at 7:19 pmPost count: 48
Hello Natalie,
Thank you for saying so. I hope that whatever you have endured, perhaps one day you will share your story too if you have not already. I believe others stories can change your life as well as yours changing others. Thank you for reading my story.
God bless you and keep you.AnonymousInactiveFebruary 11, 2016 at 7:27 pmPost count: 48
Hi Ben,
I am so sorry to hear of your unfortunate experience of having to make your way to a shelter and experiencing homelessness now. Yes, please do keep my story in mind whilst you are having this experience. Keep really strong and please do not lose faith in the power of prayer, however you choose to pray. It does not matter really, just talk to whomever you trust, whatever you believe in, whatever your religion or no religion at all.
I never want to experience homelessness ever again in my life, open up to other homeless people. It will change your life. It humbled me so much. I wish you all the happiness and love you deserve, I also wish for a beautiful outcome for you in your circumstances.AnonymousInactiveFebruary 11, 2016 at 7:30 pmPost count: 48
Dee, Sonia, Amber and Victoria.
I have read your amazing messages and have all intentions of replying to your messages. I like to acknowledge people and their contributions. I will come back to you, I just need to have a mini break from writing.
For now I will say thank you to each of you until I write more.AnonymousInactiveFebruary 12, 2016 at 12:36 amPost count: 48
Hi Dee,
Thank you for sharing, I am glad you used that opportunity to find out who you are and why your ex treated you that way. Sounds like you took the journey and made the commitment to seek real answers so you could move forward.
I personally still have so many questions, it is similar to dark night of the soul except stronger.
The wheel of life-cyclical until you break it. I will take my time towards forgiving, I will do it in my own time in some way. Yes ultimately an experience this huge can cause you to go much further into your awakening prior to whatever happened. Right now I am alone a fair bit except for the angels, they are beautiful. I don't mind being alone for a bit though. I need it.
All I know for now is I will NEVER allow myself to be treated like that again even for one second. I deserve better.
Again thank you for sharing 🙂AnonymousInactiveFebruary 12, 2016 at 12:42 amPost count: 48
Hi Amber,
Thank you for your compliments. I think honesty is a good policy to have, I do not like lying. First, I need to be true to myself to be true to another. It's a big life this time around.
In whatever way this has blessed you, I am glad. I shall keep writing, thanks for the tip. 🙂
All the best for 2016.AnonymousInactiveFebruary 12, 2016 at 12:48 amPost count: 48
Hi Sonia,
I am sorry your reason for writing is because of being able to relate to any type of abuse. On the other hand you would understand it a bit more. There are 5 different forms of abuse and spiritual is one of them.
It is hard to reconcile with that. I speak more to angels and pray as well and they are a great help. I am sure I have spirit guides as well but just connect more with the former.
There is always a plan.
Thank you kindly for your prayers.
I hope 2016 is an amazing year for you.AnonymousInactiveFebruary 12, 2016 at 1:04 amPost count: 48
Hi Victoria,
Thank you for your message. I am actually female (last time I checked anyway) It doesn't matter a lot of people say it.
I was extremely vulnerable when I met her, however so was she. Trusting too quickly, I don't know. It is actually still quite fresh and I guess I need to seek my own answers. I do appreciate your input though. One thing I have changed is how I treat everybody I meet and want to get to know more, my trust needs to be earnt first. I also agree with the whole stance of if your actions are not matching up to your words, then you are not whom you say you are really.
Yes, I am still trying to recognize my reality now. It is so completely different and I am still adjusting to this new self I do not quite recognize yet. I think that is a good way to describe it.
Thank you for your wishes and your sharing.
All the best for 2016.AnonymousParticipantFebruary 12, 2016 at 10:10 amPost count: 1281
Lee, I am so sorry, I assumed and you know what they say about assuming something. 😉 I will edit the maleness out if I can, but my message is still the same. I wish you well.Demitra M. N.GuestFebruary 12, 2016 at 2:14 pmPost count: 24109
Lee, you walk your talk with courage and awareness and that's a beautiful thing to behold. Remember this: the reason you are in so much pain emotionally is because your capacity to Love is profound and deep.
In this particular matter, I would have to say, you come out the winner, mainly because your most valuable attributes –authenticity and integrity– remain intact. Thank you for sharing!AnonymousInactiveFebruary 12, 2016 at 10:35 pmPost count: 48
Thank you for taking the time to apologise. It was innocent so do not worry about it. 🙂
Again thank you for your message and all the best again as well.AnonymousInactiveFebruary 12, 2016 at 10:40 pmPost count: 48
Hi Demitra,
Thank you so much for your message and thank you for reminding me of the beautiful traits I have always had and managed to keep and use in tact through this all. It is hrd to see these things when you are swimming in the muck, however it is true so thank you so much.
Yes emotionally I am in very deep pain, time is what I need and I imagine in 6 months time I will be a bit better than I am now. You made a good point.
Thank you so much for the positive and uplifting comments and I wish you all the very best life ahs to offer for 2016.LindaGuestMarch 7, 2016 at 5:20 amPost count: 24109
Hey Lee,
I hope this finds you healthy and happy. I am glad to see you are doing better than the first time you posted your topic here…I read it and I was sorry you went through all that. It was too much for one person, but the will to move on has brought you this far. That is good.
So far this is a story I read from beginning to end so I thought I should check how all is going. Glad to see you are well. Be blessed always.AnonymousInactiveMarch 7, 2016 at 5:44 amPost count: 48
Hello Linda,
Thank you so much for your message. As for doing better, I am slowly doing better. I have been working very hard on myself and this journey has been so extremely painful. To say I lost my mind is a most apt statement. I think that was my only way through this whole thing. Not lost my mind as went crazy, just literally lost my mind to a certain extent.
For so many reasons of my own, not just this experience I am determined to follow through with all my plans I am making and to live through this. I have no shame in admitting many times I wanted to take my life and have actually felt I am going to die. There have been many scary moments, many things to face and look at and much pain whilst doing so. I have my good moments and my not so good moments. Through it all is my growth.
I am slowly starting to see how this has benefited my life and enriched me and actually has bought me closer to home, the home within myself and the home I have built within myself.
I know my story can inspire many people and when I have healed a bit more I will do more with it. I feel like I am working full time very much so right now on my life in so many areas.
My head is still quite confused and the fog has not lifted entirely, however slowly I am seeing more clearly. It really was too much for one person. One of the biggest things to clear up is the mess my head was and is in. That has been one of the hardest things to sort through. For the most part I have done this all on my own, do not get me wrong I have appreciated the time when people have given me the time of day and offered some support, kindness and love in whichever form it came. So grateful for that, very much so. For the most part I needed to be on my own for a while and still do, however it is changing slowly and I am finding out so many new things I never even realized.
Anyhow, I just want to thank you for writing to me, asking how I am going and for sending me blessings for getting well always.
I wish you beautiful blessings and much love your way.LindaGuestMarch 7, 2016 at 6:30 amPost count: 24109
Well time heals wounds. And eventually you will be fine, not to worry. Others go through so much in life and still pull through. I have had a lot of issues and unfortunately for me I deal with them myself. Writing all publicly isn't me, but with all I know and have been through, I know you'll be okay. Stress, problems and all weren't planted in your life. So they'll come to pass.
~ LAnonymousInactiveMarch 7, 2016 at 6:37 amPost count: 48
Thank you for your positive message and well not everyone likes to write nor share themselves so publicly. I don't think there is anything more that can be thrown at me now, In other words there is just nothing left to lose for me really. I hope that whatever it is you are needing to deal with right now is slowly getting better for you. I send you my best wishes and happy healing.
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Greetings from Germany
i already read some posts here about troubleshooting the old Commodore PET. I really love the design of it and was able to find an old unit (likely 197 in my area. But it was in a horroble shape especially inside. The computer was obviously a home for mice for years! But i could not leave it there. After cleaning up a bit i started troubleshooting following some advice what i found across the Internet. The unit is somehow special. The pre owner (died some years ago) did a lot of modifications on the unit. He stacked 2 ROM´s on each other for each slot and routed the associated VCC supplies to a switch on the front of the unit. Additionally he added a Board with the MC6845P on the extension port. From there the Display is connected. He also added another 16 kb of RAM.
My plan is to put it back to an original state - whatever this could mean....
Before deeper touching the electronics i was able to power up the CBM and got the garbage display on the Screen. At least the Display is working Obvioulsy the Character ROM is also working othertwise i would not see any proper characters, right?
First i measured the Voltages: 17,36 VAC / +5,00 VDC / -5,42 VDC / +11,90 VDC
This is not so bad, correct?
I have checked the 6502 in my Apple 2 - got only question marks in that unit - so obviously dead
I already replaced a known good one - CLOSED
I was able to download the ROM Software from the Top EPROMS (BASIC 4.0) and verify with the files on Zimmers.net
They all look ok apart from the EDIT Rom. This seems to be special. However i downloaded a backup from it and put this back in the CBM. I feel confident all ROM Software is ok.
I proactively replaced 8x RAM by 4116 units to have some spares left for the further troubleshooting.
I also ordered 2x 2114 Video RAM to play with it.
I did check continuity across all 16x RAM chips and found 7 bad sockets and underneath lifted traces (also happened to me while removing them!) Now, the continuity check is ok - CLOSED
I did check continuity across all 7 ROM sockets and found on bad socket. Replaced and ok now. Just found out that the pre owner did cut the jumper between Pins 21/24 (VCC +5VDC) on D3, D4, D5 - still need to fix that
I was hoping that i get at least a different garbage screen but NOPE! The same picture, same characters
I was hoping to use David´s PETTESTE2K (Version 03 beta) to get now a better idea - NOPE Same story
But i get a different picture when i replace the Video RAM by the 2x new ones i received thius week. The screen looks different but still not what i would expect according David´s Manual.
NOW - my question is how to go on with the troubleshooting. Can you please tell me what screen looks more "normal" thus which Video RAM is the better one? I have attached some pictures.
Best regards
Garbage new VIDEO RAM.jpg
Garbage original VIDEO RAM.jpg
original as get.jpg
display board.jpg

subset: commoncrawl


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The rainy season has begun. No rain to speak of since March, but we got 1\4 inch over the weekend, and another 1\2 inch so far today. Hooray!
Tuesday, December 02, 2014
At Last!
Posted by Sandra Rude at 11:11 AM
Location: Atascadero, Atascadero
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Don't Forget the End User
Considering the proliferation of interagency initiatives and a new push for the Lines of Business initiatives, it's often easy to forget what our government-systems capabilities are designed to do in the first place: to properly and adequately serve the end user, whether that's a taxpayer or a federal employee.
In this new collaborative and consolidated landscape, users tend to become more and more detached from systems designers, from the installers and from the technical services people who help make sure things are up and running and that the systems work properly.
So, when developing systems and applications, how do you make sure you don't forget those end users? Particularly in an era of e-government initiatives and shared-services centers at which many different agencies have critical needs that must be met, how does a CIO or other senior information technology executive make sure he or she is covering the demands of all users?
Norm Enger, director of the Human Resources Line of Business at the Office of Personnel Management, says one approach that's effective is to form groups of agencies to provide input and feedback as to whether systems are meeting requirements — and what needs to be done to modify systems and applications when necessary.
"From the very start, it's a collaborative approach," Enger says. "All the way through, we have fully engaged all of these agencies. And we meet with them every month on a task-force basis, but we also have numerous smaller work groups assigned to different responsibilities.
"Through this collaborative approach — with a great deal of communication in having them define the vision and goals — we've gotten a tremendous buy-in from the agencies across the federal government. We've also tried to clearly define our business plan. We want to be very clear about our objectives and how we plan to achieve them."
It really comes down to a matter of ownership, and
the fact that nobody — when it comes to the latest technology — wants to have the way they approach their processes dictated to them.
"The simplest thing is getting the end-user community involved as early as possible," notes Bob Woodruff, a principal consulting manager at Robbins-Gioia and a veteran of a number of IT projects at the Defense Department.
"And you want to get the right users involved up front — the most knowledgeable users," Woodruff says. "I'm talking about those users who not only understand what the benefit of this system would be, but even how it could be enhanced to improve the overall picture."
To help make sure that applications continue to serve your users' needs over time, there's also a real need to elicit feedback from users and systems specialists on a regular basis.
"In the HR line of business, we've established a customer council that consists of 11 agencies that volunteered to provide feedback," Enger says. "I call this 'the voice of the customer,' and the members of this council develop performance metrics for what we expect from a shared-services center in terms of error rates, security, privacy, customer satisfaction and so on."
Another primary tenet is continuity among those users who provide feedback and advice so that you can compare demands, suggestions and recommendations over time.
"Consistency is very important," Woodruff says. "I've been involved in situations where the end-user group keeps changing. It needs to be a consistent user group throughout the whole process of development. Otherwise, there's no standard of comparison, or everybody brings their own things to the table, and it keeps changing. Then you can never nail down the requirements."
When that happens, you get the same result as if you'd forgotten about the end users from the get-go.


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Young FBI agent Chevie Savano arrives back in modern-day London after a time-trip to the Victorian age, to find the present very different from the one she left. Europe is being run by a Facsist movement known as the Boxites, who control their territory through intimidation and terror. Chevie's memories come back to her in fragments, and just as she is learning about the WARP program from Professor Charles Smart, inventor of the time machine, he is killed by secret service police. Now they are after Chevie, too, but she escapes--into the past. She finds Riley, who is being pursued by futuristic soldiers, and saves him. Working together again, it is up to Chevie and Riley to find the enigmatic Colonel Clayton Box, who is intent on escalating his power, and stop him before he can launch missiles at the capitals of Europe.
I'm happy that Chevie Savano and Riley were together once again, although this time they were racing against time to save Chevie's present-day reality. They team up with unlikely allies, and happily, they save the day. I have to add that last part because for several moments there I wondered if the book was going to end on a happy note.
The Hangman's Revolution was action-packed, filled with icky visuals that usually would have made me laugh. I wondered if it was simply my mood while reading, but as I have read the story over several days through several weeks, that does not seem to be the case.
Humor came in the form of Figary the butler, who oft quoted his mother Mrs. Figary and insisted on the proper usage of the English language. There was also, of course, the memorable sewer episode, and Lunka and Otto's dialogues. I noted a mild improvement in Riley as well, and I find myself finally appreciating the character. I love how unique he is, from his usage of magic, to his excellence in martial arts.
This time I could not connect to any of the characters. I was transported to the setting, but I found myself bored and hoping that I'll finish the story soon enough. Maybe it's just the series slump, as I found the first book, The Reluctant Assassin, to be better than this.
And yet even though I only gave The Hangman's Revolution 3 stars, I still found myself clicking on the "Want to Read" button for the third W.A.R.P. book. The book ended on a pretty interesting note, and I'm curious to see how this plays out.
Have you ever wanted to read the next book in the series even though the previous book did not meet your expectations? Why or why not? :)


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Apollo Bay Sailing Club
Tell Tales
5th February 2018
Our active little Club can be broken into 4 distinct groups when it comes to our activities on the water. We have our blossoming Optimist Fleet where our juniors find their sea legs. Finlay, Jamie and Morgan head our dinghy division. Our Classic Flying Fifteen fleet of 10 boats and of course our cruising division where the vessels length varies dramatically.
Saturday would see us break with normal format of all boats sailing around the same triangular course with the inaugural running of the Mark 1 Classic Flying 15 trophy. Sponsored by Top Mark Bookkeeping (Suzanne Goodison). The conundrum then, what to do with those lumbering cruisers, that always seem to be in the way or stealing your wind. A plot was hatched to clear the course. The cruisers were easily convinced that there was a virtual mark laid in the sea somewhere off Browns Creek. The Duty boat team of Lids and Shotty would send them on their way at the standard time, when they would make their way north rounding the virtual mark and returning to the finish line. Once the floating caravans were on their way the duty boat team were able to start the proper business of the day, that would see racing in its 'purest' form. There would be no motors or electronics, no fridges downstairs, no cushions nor canvas awnings to protect from the wind and spray.
The Flying Fifteens are all the same, there would be no hiding behind the handicapper. Of great importance too, this racing would allow woman and man to compete on an equal footing. A planning 20ft "keelboat" the Flying 15 was designed 70 years ago yet still retains the cool factor, readily turning heads. We have what we believe is the largest racing Classic 15 fleet in the Southern hemisphere, possibly the world (even the Galaxy?).
Three thrilling races were held ranging from 30 to 40 minutes. Race one set the tone for the day going down to the wire with only one second separating Ziff (Lisa and Geeks) andFfantome (Morgan and Kelly) after 40 minutes of racing. The Women were leading the charge leaving the blokes scratching their heads. Affrodite (Tim and Chris) were only 10 seconds astern with Wal (Russell and Andrew) a close 4th, April Dancer (Bruce and Geraldine) got their spinnaker fouled and were not able to drop it. For the rest of the day it resembled a 15ft polish salami strapped to the mast! Unfortunately, they were handicapped by this for the rest of the day. Race two, Ffantome led from start to finish, Affrodite 2nd,Ziff 3rd, Miss Molly (Bourney and Anton). Race 3 had the battle of the lady skippers continue with Ziff claiming victory by just 4 seconds over Ffantome with Miss Mollysaving their best till last with a result of 3rd place and Affrodite 4th. Dougy and Rish, newbies to the Flying Fifteen click scored a very credible 7th, 5th and 5th.
Progressive scores with 1 more day to sail:
Ffantome 5
Ziff 5
Affrodite 9
Miss Molly 11
Euphemism 17
April Dancer 18
Wal 18.
And what of the cruising armada and the virtual mark? I hear you ask. The virtual mark may well go down in folklore with the Mahogany Ship and Benito's Treasure. With some swearing they rounded it while others were less convincing in their theories as to its whereabouts.
The cruising theme continues on Sunday with the tiny hamlet of Wye River being abuzz as 5 of our yachts dropped anchor at lunchtime. The photos on Facebook could well have graced the cover of Cruising Monthly magazine. Some lunching on their boat while others made the trip to the pub for lunch. Thanks to the Wye Surf Club volunteers in their ducky. A great day had by all.
Thanks To Our Sponsors
Apollo Bay & District Community Bank, Great Ocean Road Trading Post, Waterfront Motor Inn, Café 153, The Fishing Co op, Surf-n-Fish, J&C Marriner Earthworks
Life is good. Come Sailing!
To find out more see our website or our Facebook group - Apollo Bay Sailing Club


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Does anyone know how to pass join to sqsenabled. I have two textboxes with sqsEnabled which will retrieve name and id. I want to be able to show results in the second box which has a corresponding ID from the first box. For example,
My first textbox Facility with sqsEnabled will return me Facility Name and ID. When I search in the second text box, Professor, I want to show Professors who belong only to that facility. My tables are
Facility Table: ID, Name
Professor table: ID, Name
Facility Professor Table: ID, Facility ID, Physician ID


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Although the role is physically based in London, you will work with our teams around the world on global and local clients.We're looking for a smart, confident Executive to join our Media team at Havas People. With at least six months' experience within a paid search environment, you will bring an understanding of biddable implementation and desire to develop your skills within a fast paced and collaborative team. You will manage the planning, implementation and day to day management of cross-channel digital media campaigns, for a range of global clients and big brand names.
Great work experience for a 'people person' with great attention to detail and organisational skills who wants to work in a vibrant agency. Training will be given.
You will get a competitive salary together with other benefits such as ticket loans, cash back for medical treatment and pension, plus access to a discount portal with more than 700 retailers.
You will also get the possibility to work in a fun, creative and fast paced environment - the HKX Village is home of 24 marketing agencies!


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Passionate Marriage
Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed RelationshipsBook - 1997
From the critics
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This book is not for everyone. It is furthermore open to a raft of criticisms, being at times hokey, blunt, garrish, vain, nebulous, wheedling, over-reaching and repetitive. It's quite the journey. At times you might feel like you're sharing a long hippie bus trip with the John Laroche character from the movie Adaptation, who might also be many of those things, but also brilliant, insightful, upbeat, steeped with knowledge and experience, weirdly wonderful, and never less than totally engaging. A different view of marital dynamics are presented here than default romance. Every page is dense, substantive, and personally challenging, taking non-evasion of self within the intimate context to almost cultish heights. Expect to wrestle on every page with how much of this book to take on board in your own circumstance. I was able to take on about seventy percent, starting from an aggressive stance of putting it out there as part of the intimate process, twice what I've taken from any other book on navigating adult relationships. Note: This book is the complete antithesis of Men Are from Mars by John Gray, the refined-carbohydrate alternative to growing balls. Don't count on liking both.
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Tagged: los angeles angels of anaheim
Trippin' Baseballs' Totally Subjective Hall of Fame
I spend a lot of my time on social media these days, and by doing such, find myself drawn into those personality quizzes. "What background character from The Simpsons Are You?" Or "What Color is Your Aura?"
I've become pretty good at just letting my eyes gloss over as I skim past them. Recently, however, was one that caught my eye and wouldn't let go. The question posited was the following:
"Who is your favorite MLB players by position during YOUR lifetime…this is pretty tough if you're a fan."
I initially looked at it and assumed it would be a lot easier than it wound up being. Most of the "starters" were who I expected, but some of the competition was a LOT closer than I would have imagined. With the All-Star teams being announced today, in that same spirit, I present the Trippin' Baseballs All-Time (so far) Team of My Lifetime.
C – Catcher was initially one of the more difficult positions for me to fill. Remember, we are looking to favorites, not necessarily "best." I had almost settled for Mike Piazza, who once signed a baseball for me until I remembered another catcher who signed my baseball. The most beloved backup catcher in MLB history "Grandpa" David Ross. Ross always seemed to come through in the clutch, be it a meaningless Arizona spring game or Game 7 of the World Series. His presence and contributions during the Series certainly didn't hurt his candidacy.
Runners up: Geovany Soto and Willson Contreras. Sense a theme yet? I promise the rest of the list isn't ALL Cubs, but having a Rookie of the Year credit for the former and a World Series ring for the latter are pretty hard to argue against.
1B – First base was almost a slam dunk. Anthony Rizzo gets the nod here. Again, World Series credit, but here's the thing. I've loved Rizzo since he was in the Red Sox system. I don't know where I would have read his story, but I have an ex-roommate who was a diehard Red Sox fan, so I'm assuming he had something to do with it. When Rizzo was traded to the Padres, I told my brother to keep an eye on Rizz. That he would be a good one. (The rest of my family are Padre fans. I don't know how to get them on the right (Cub) side.) In fact, I saw Rizzo's last at bat as a Padre when he struck out against Andrew Cashner–who he would be traded for within a few brief weeks.Enough background. Anthony is an amazing team leader who is one of the type first basemen in the league. He stuck it out during the Cubs' 100 loss seasons and led the team to the promised land in 2016 and for that, I salute you, Mr Rizzo. All that and I didn't even touch on his amazing charity and community service work for sick children, a cause very close to my heart.
Runners up: Mark Grace and JT Snow. At my very first Cubs Convention ever I was an ill prepared, awkward 14 year-old. Unlike these days, there was a special pre-convention luncheon with many of the current and former players in a much less crowded setting than at the convention itself. At the time I had a PE and Study Skills teacher who had spent some brief time in the majors, which to me made him the coolest guy ever. He had also played baseball with Mark Grace at SDSU. When he learned I was going to the convention he told me to use his name if i got to meet Grace. I got my chance at this luncheon, and though its entirely possible Grace didn't remember this guy at all, he was very kind to me and treated me like my teacher was his best friend who asked him to take care of me. It was a great experience. J.T. Snow was the Angels first baseman when I was working on a project for my church and contacted the Angels to see if they could set me up with something from him since his uniform number was significant to our pastor and the fact that he was an Angel tied into that. In addition to the item for the pastor (which I cannot, for the life of me think of) enclosed in the envelope was a signed card addressed to me. While I'm now sure that was courtesy of the PR/Community Relations Department, at the time I'd swear it was from Snow, himself. In other news, it broke my heart when he signed with the Giants. Still stings a bit.
2B – Second base was really no contest at all. For a long time my all-time favorite player was Ryne Sandberg…things may have slightly altered that ranking in the intervening years, but he is very strongly in my top-3 players of all time, which does have a certain amount of fluidity to it. I've already explained how i became a Cubs fan, in large thanks to the unknowing contributions of Mr Sandberg. I still collect his cards when I can find them and one year at the Cubs Convention I had the good fortune to get a jersey signed and had about 30 seconds to let him know what he meant to me. I think I managed to convey that without looking too stupid. Hopefully that won't be the last chance I get to talk to him.
Runners up: Roberto Alomar and Javy Baez. I grew up in San Diego and was starting to get into baseball in a big way almost around the same time that Roberto Alomar was getting his first at bats with the Padres and I was a fan from the beginning. I even rooted for him in Toronto, which made me, more or less an ancillary Blue Jays fan. I remember hearing that he lived i the hotel that overlooked the field in the SkyDome (yes, SKYDOME! I don't need no Rogers Centre) and thinking that was the coolest thing ever. Not that he would get to ever watch a ballgame from his apartment, but the idea of it all. I got to meet Robby a few weeks ago and while not overly chatty, he was perfectly pleasant and signed my ball and posed for a photo, so he's aces in my book.
I liked Javy Baez when the Cubs drafted him and lot of those human interest stories came out and I learned about his MLB logo tattoo and his overwhelming confidence in himself. That hasn't changed at all, but this year he has become a more complete ball player, and I only slightly hesitate when I claim that he has become one of the elite players in the league. If he is not a 2018 All Star I will riot,
SS- We finally reach one of the players that I didn't ever get to see on regular basis, Cal Ripken. I do distinctly remember his chase to Gehrig's consecutive games record. For the record-breaking game I know I made sure to get my tiny baby brother and hold him in front of the TV and told him what it was that he was watching and that it was doubtful that any of his friends could honestly tell him that they had seen the game as well. I have since learned a lot more about Ripken and read his autobiography and it's nice to know that I was a good judge of character, even way back in my youth.
Runner up: Nomar Garciaparra. In the crop of young talented shortstops that all sort of burst onto the scene at the same time, including Derek Jeter and Miguel Tejada, I was always partial to Garciaparra. I'm sure part of it was his wacky name, but even more, he was a great 2 way player. He could hit up a storm and then go out and make some amazing plays in the field. In fact, I was so taken by "Nomah" that somewhere in the back of my closet is a #5 Red Sox jersey. I'm not overly proud of owning the jersey, since I now hate the Sox, if you could keep this just between us I'd appreciate it.
3B -Here's the slam dunk. Easiest entry on the list, right? Welllll, not quite. I mean, once I got my head on straight yes it was simple, but initially one of my runners-up gave me a reason to step back and reexamine things. So yes, my third baseman is quite obviously my man-crush, Kristopher Bryant. I had a chance to meet Bryant after a USD alumni game and he couldn't not have been nicer to the few of us waiting for him. He signed anything and everything with any inscription you wanted and posed for photos for everyone who wanted one. He was continued this benevolence to the fans even now as a bonafide superstar. The only difference is the size of the crowd and accessibility. Deep down he's still just the kid from Vegas, playing in Chicago by way of San Diego. By the way, it also doesn't hurt Bryant's case that 4 of my siblings are USD alumni,.
Runner up: Ken Caminiti. Cammy was the Padres third baseman during their improbable World Series run in 1998. He was a creature of almost mythical tales. The Padres had a series in Mexico agains the Mets and something that Cammy had done (nothing in small measures) left him lying on the trainer's table with IVs in both of his arms.yelled for a Snickers bar, downed the candy, proceeded to pull out the IVs and go out and hit 2 home runs. He was a "gamer" and the kind of player that ran out every ball like their hair was on fire. When we lost him to a suspected cocaine overdose (remember, nothing in moderation) I was heartbroken. He was playing for Houston and wasn't the same ball player, but he played with the same intensity. I miss that.
OF -My main outfield consists of Tony Gwynn, Mike Trout and Steve Finley. I know, one of these things is not like the other. Gwynn is a genuine Hall of Famer. Trout is certainly building a career with an eye toward Cooperstown and title as an all time great, and then there's Steve Finley. I loved Steve Finley as a Padre and hated him whenever he played for another team, which happened a lot. Finley was one of those scrappy ball players who always found a way to win, be it a walk, a home run or a highlight reel catch. He quietly went about his business but there was a fire that burned deep. Like Gwynn and Caminiti Finley was a keystone to the Padres teams I used to go and watch almost every Friday night in early high school.
Tony Gwynn should be obvious. If you were a kid in San Diego with even the most minimal interest in baseball and were born between 1975 and 1990 and Gwynn isn't on your list of favorite players you have seen, there is something wrong with you. I'm not even going to sugarcoat that. You're just wrong.
Mike Trout is quite possibly the most exciting player in the game today. Javy may give him a slight run for his money, but Trout has been doing it all longer and more constantly. I was at the game where Trout hit for the cycle and the palpable nerves and excitement when he came up only needing the home run to compete it was absolutely electric. I cant even begin to describe the feeling in the park when that ball left the field of play.
Runner up: Tim Salmon. Speaking of fishy-named Angels outfielders, one of my very favorites is Salmon. I wanted him in my starting lineup, but there was no one to remove to find a place for him. In fact, the runners up/bench players can probably thank the KingFish for their inclusion. I wasn't going to make this list and completely leave Mr Salmon off. He came to the majors about the same time as JT Snow, which was when I decided to add the Anaheim Angels to my fandom. Timing worked out well.
DH -Vladimir Guerrero is one of the most fun players that I have ever seen play. Putting him at DH kind of cancels one of the most fun things about his skill set, which is his absolute cannon of an arm in right field. Again, around the time that Vlad was destroying the American League my ex-roommate and I were attending a lot of Angels games and Mr Guerrero was the most exciting guy on the field. He is a well deserved, if surprising (at least to me) second ballot Hall of Famer.
SP -Seeing Greg Maddux in anything other than a Braves or Cubs jersey was alway unsettling to me, yet thats how I saw him the most. As a Padre or Dodger. He may have bee older and lost a bit of spring in his step but he was still obviously the smartest guy on that field and an amazing pitcher. Of course with WGN and TBS being the cable behemoths that they were in my youth I had plenty of chances to watch him pitch for both Atlanta and Chicago. I loved that he looked nothing like a professional athlete and yet, he would go out to the mound and dominate all of the hulked up hitters of the mid-90s. I imagine he would throw a "Maddux" (compete game of under 100 pitches) and then go sit in his personal club chair in the clubhouse wearing a smoking jacket and read Tolstoy or something while sipping on tea in a china cup with his initials in the cup design. If I'm wrong, don't tell me. I like my Greg Maddux fanfic as is.
Runner up: Andy Benes. One day soon I will get around to writing about the Padres coming to visit me in the hospital when I was 11. Benes was the big name of the group that came to visit. No Tony, sadly. The experience was surreal and actually served to cheer me up, in the exact way that most cloying hospital attempts to do so do the exact opposite. I always liked Benes, but now that we had a bond I had to root for him. Even at the end of his career when he became a godless Cardinal. That was hard.
RP -Here's where I cheat a little bit. My choice for reliever is Kerry Wood, but I'm mostly including him for his work as a starter or closer. He did work as a middle reliever briefly so I can count him. My list, my rules. Kid K was supposed to be the miracle worker who brought a World Series to Wrigley Field. He wasn't able to, and many of the villains in his story shared a dugout with Wood. His inability to bring a Series to the Friendly Confines was not due to lack of effort or heart. I'm happy to note that when the Cubs won it all in 2016, Kerry was a part of the organization and got his ring.
Runner up: Turk Wendell. When Cubs fans didn't have much to look forward to, getting the ultra-superstitious Wendell into the game was one of those few bright spots. He wore "lucky" #13, refused to step on the chalk foul lines and chewed black licorice. Don't worry though, he brushed his teeth in the dugout between innings. He was a solid reliever, but sometimes its fun just to have an oddball on the team to root for. Wendell isn't going to be the last one that makes my list.
CP – Much Like Tony Gwynn, if you were of a certain age and a Padre fan, there was no way that you didn't love Trevor Hoffman with every fiber of your being. If "Hell's Bells" doesn't give you chills and make you think of Hoffman you might be dead inside. When he was in line for save 479, to give him the all time most saves in history, my roommates and I watched the story of him getting 478 in the Padres second to last home game, turned off the tv, looked at each other and decided we were going to get in the car ad drive to San Diego for the game the next day. There was no guarantee that the Padres would win, or even that if they won there would be a save opportunity for Trevor, but dang it, if there was a chance, we'd be there. We all blew off work and Trevor rewarded our boldness with save 479. Luckily my manager at the time was a huge Padres fan and when I told what i had done, he just sort of rolled his eyes at me and I still had a job.
Runner up: Rod Beck. Beck, to me, was initially just the Giants closer. I had no feelings toward him, one way or the other (I hadn't cultivated my hatred of the Giants and their fans yet.) Later, as his career was winding down the Cubs signed him as a cheap gamble. He lived in a trailer behind the outfield walls in Iowa and he would greet the fine folks of Des Moines in that trailer after games, cold brews in hand one for "Shooter" and one for whoever his new friend was. I love that story oh so much. Like Cammy, we lost Beck far too soon.
Manager- It's really hard to not put Joe Maddon in this spot. How do you decline a man who brought the World Series to the North Side? I made it easy on myself. I didn't. I know a lot of Cubs fans have issue with Joe constantly fiddling with lineups and some of his antics, but bottom line. Strip all of that away and he is a great manager. He takes chances and challenges things that are expected to be boiler plate to his advantage. I think Joe is a lot of fun and a very smart baseball man and a very smart man in general. Easily my favorite manager that I've ever watched.
Runners up: Bruce Bochy and Mike Scioscia. These guys were the keys to my second and third favorite teams as I was growing up. Now Bochy has moved to the Giants, which makes it really hard for me to root for him, but Scioscia is still here in Anaheim. Both are brilliant baseball men who have had many members of their staffs move on to managerial roles of their own (including Maddon under Mike Scioscia) which is the mark of a truly great leader and teacher.
There it is. My totally subjective, biased Hall of Fame–this round solely for players I saw play (or manage) in person. If this turns out ok, maybe there will be a meeting of the Veteran's Committee and another installment. If that happens, please let me know the criteria you'd like to see the Committee to have to operate under. After all, its no fun just adding Willie Mays Bob Feller, Babe Ruth etc. Thin about it and if you're out there please let me know!
Until next time,
Keep Trippin' Baseballs!
How I (Barely) Survived Arizona: Our 2017 Spring Training Adventure!
"The region is altogether valueless. After entering it, there is nothing to do but leave."
Lt. Edward Beale, Congress report on Arizona, 1858
While I don't completely agree with the good lieutenant, I must say that I am glad to be home. You see, we weren't intending on going to Spring training this year. My health is still a bit dodgy and being away from our home base is a bit scary right now. We aren't habitual Spring Training junkies, but have been a few times and I've always had a good time. I had a lot of fun this time as well, but it was a little different from I had expected.
The impetus for even going down at all was the wedding of two of our closest friends, who happened to be from Phoenix. Which happened to be on my birthday. Which happened to be over the weekend of my birthday. When the universe clearly wants you to go Spring Training, you go!
For my birthday gift, my wife gave me her credit card and let me get tickets to all of the games I wanted to attend, which–after I restrained myself–wound up being 4 games. I found a Motel 6 close to both Sloan Park and the dialysis center that I would be utilizing twice during our short stay and booked our room.More details on that to follow.
That is far too long of a prologue, so lets just jump right into day 1.
Day 1:
We ended up leaving our house a bit later than intended, but other than one issue with CD selection (Yes children, old people still use physical media to listen to music) the drive was uneventful. Traffic was easy until we hit the outskirts of Phoenix, but we still made it to Scottsdale Stadium just a little bit after the Giants v. Puerto Rico game had begun. We immediately saw an issue. After driving around the ballpark and nearby environs there was literally no parking. All the lots were either full or blocked off with "Non Event Parking" sign. We even tried to find a place to park away from the ballpark and having a car service take us to the game with no avail. By this point it was getting late and we hadn't eaten anything for many hours, so we cut our losses and changed our quest to find lunch.
Fortunately nearby was a restaurant serving Cornish pasties–as well as air conditioning, so we went in for a fine lunch topped off with an amazing banoffee pie and began to feel human again. at this point it was late enough to check in to our motel, so we headed in that general direction.
After a quick trip to the Walmart, which was decked out in Cubs merchandise, we arrived at our temporary home.
Do you ever get a strange feeling that things aren't good and might soon get much worse? That was the feeling in my gut as we checked in. Don't get me wrong, all the staff that we dealt with during our stay were perfectly nice. Very helpful and professional, even "upgrading" us to a handicapped room with no extra charge.
The room though? Not so good. The sort of place that you'd expect Norman Bates to work at, were "Psycho" set in 2017. Upon walking into our non-smoking room we were hit by a cloud of nicotine–something that persisted throughout our stay minus the one day when nicotine was swapped for pot smoke. There was a dirty boot print in our shower and the whole place looked like it had been cleaned by a disinterested teenager. Yes, I should have complained, but I was afraid any other room would be worse, so we soldiered on and kept the room.
Eventually we fell asleep and were not murdered in the night. I set those odds at 50-50.
Day 2:
Today was exciting because we were going to see the 2016 World Champion Chicago Cubs (I never get tired of saying that and love getting to refer to them as such) at Sloan Park, a ballpark I had yet to see since it opened only a few years ago. With Arizona ignoring Daylight Savings Time, I mentally thought that the game started at 12:05, the same as at home, so we arrived an hour sooner than expected. Oops. They soon opened the gates and we found our way inside and immediately grabbed some hot dogs, pretzels and water. We headed down to our seats and ate our lunch, fortunately, in some of the rare shade. The game against the Mariners was fun, not counting the final score, and it was good to see Bryant, Rizzo and the rest of the crew at it again, as well as see prospects like Eloy Jiminez in person.
Sloan Park is gorgeous and I do wish we had explored it a bit more, but the shady seats were too tempting to leave and so we remained sedentary for the length of the game. The timing worked out perfectly for us to enjoy the ballgame and get to my dialysis appointment in Mesa on time.
I did manage to get my photo with the Sloan Park marquee before we left though. I DO have my priorities after all.
After my 4 hours getting my blood cleaned we grabbed a quick bite to eat and headed back to the motel of doom for the night. As you can no doubt tell, we are some late night party animals. Like the kids in the pool. Right outside of our room. Until after midnight.
Day 3:
Today we were headed to Tempe to see the Padres play the Angels. Looking back on it now, I don't know why we didn't just go and see the Cubs play the Mariners in Peoria, but seeing 2 of my favorite teams play each other was not a bad option either.
On the way we stopped for breakfast at a Whataburger, which I had never tried before. It had been described to me as "the Texas In 'n Out" so I had to try it. Though it was breakfast time I felt the need to get the eponymous burger, but lo! On the breakfast menu was biscuits and gravy…one of my all time favorite meals. Decisions, decisions. In the end, although my appetite has been waning as of late, I ordered both. And finished them too.
While eating, a woman at a table across from us asked me about my cane and other, increasingly personal questions, which I answered, since I generally don't know when to shut up. We finished our meals, ended the conversation and continued on to Tempe Diablo Stadium, home of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim…who train in Tempe, Arizona. Why not add a few more locations for the poor Angels?
Unfortunately unlike Sloan Park there were virtually no shaded seats at Tempe Diablo Stadium and I started to bake from the moment I sat in our seats watching the teams warm up. Kindly, Lauren went and got us a huge frozen margarita concoction to try to cool us down. Yes, I realize that alcohol probably has an adverse effect on remaining hydrated, but it was delicious. More importantly it was cold.
We downed that sucker fast enough that I didn't even have time/ presence of mind to get a photo. The bottom of the drink vessel was actually molded into a baseball which Lauren wanted to keep, but was rebuffed by an usher as we left and forced to throw it away. We will never forget you, margarita baseball.
By the second inning the sun was beating down on my poor little body and we decided to leave the seats in favor of shade. It turns out that many people were doing the exact thing that we were and the mass of humanity clogged the concourse and made it extra hard just to walk around, let alone pop into the team store.
We decided that for the sake of my health (we still had a wedding reception and yet one more game to attend on our Arizona adventure) we should leave and go back to the air-conditioned motel room, to rest before dialysis.
I must have looked the way that I felt, because a kindly usher had me sit down for a moment and called to have a cart come to drive us over to our car. Unfortunately, once at the car we were blocked in by a fire truck parked directly behind us. We sat in the car for at least 20 minutes until a firefighter came back and moved the truck and in doing so, free our car.
We drove back to the motel where I had a short and cool nap. Our room hadn't been cleaned yet, nor would it be that entire day.
I had my dialysis and then immediately began my backslide with dinner at The Cracker Barrel. We only recently got one in California and it's a bit of a drive from our home–not that Phoenix isn't–so on the rare occasion that we find one we are there!
We returned to our uncleaned room, got new towels from the front desk and looked forward to a long sleep in, since the following day was baseball-free.
Day 4:
I'll try to keep this short since there is virtually no baseball connection. Today was my birthday, as well as the reception for our friends' wedding. They had done a real wedding ceremony, very small, the day prior and then had their reception at a local barcade. For those unaware, a barcade is a combination bar and arcade, generally featuring older video games for those of us that grew up playing them.
There was lots of good food, good drinks, virtually unlimited free games and so a good time was had by all.
That evening, Lauren and I planned on going to a charity function to raise money for clean drinking water in the Dominican Republic and reportedly featuring many baseball players in attendance. Since I had been virtually shut out of autographs the whole trip, I thought this would be a fun way to celebrate my birthday. The universe had other plans and struck Lauren down with some sort of bug, so we got halfway to the venue and turned around to go back to the motel. We grabbed some Sonic for me and called it a night.
Day 5:
Today was our last day in Arizona and we were pumped to see the 2016 World Champion Chicago Cubs (I told you I loved saying it) take on the Oakland A's at the Cubs old ballpark, Hohokam Stadium. I was primed and ready to go. Earlier I had visited the Walmart again and gotten all sorts of defense against the sun. Cooling towels, sunscreen and a big floppy hat were amongst the items purchased.
We took a little bit of time before going to the ballpark, which was very impressive to me. No, it isn't as pretty or nicely designed like Sloan Park or Camelback, but it has a lot of charm and I would choose it ahead of the Brewers park in Maryvale or even Tempe Diablo Stadium.
The A's have really made it their own, with history on display throughout the concourse. There was even some living history as Rollie Fingers, Bert Campaneris, George Foster and Blue Moon Odom were on hand to greet fans and sign autographs for a small donation. The Cubs and the Fergie Jenkins Foundation do a similar thing at Sloan Park and I think opportunities like that are really a cool thing for fans.
I grabbed a basic hot dog, which was at least a foot long, and we got to our seats. Stamper the Elephant was cavorting around and playing with kids as we waited for the game to begin. Once again we really had no shade and I literally went through 2 bottles of water before the first pitch was thrown. I tried to tough it out, but the unjust kicked my butt, even with all of my sun gear in place.
We saw Jake Arrieta pitch a few innings, watched my boys hit and slowly made our way out of the park and began our long drive to my parents' house in San Diego.
The one big benefit of driving to San Diego rather than Orange County is the fact that you travel by way of Yuma, Arizona, home of Chretin's Mexican Restaurant. I've known about Chretin's since I was a child. One of my pajama shirts in childhood was a Chretin's t-shirt.
My dad used to fly for the Navy and there was a landing site in Yuma. Whenever they'd land there, they would head over to Chretin's for magaritas and the famous Chretin's "killer nachos." It got to be a competition as to who could eat the most nachos, with the reigning champ getting his name painted on the wall. Sadly, the old building is no more, but the "killer nachos" live on in a new location.
Had we not stopped in, I think my family may have disowned us. The nachos were amazing and the margaritas were good, cold and cheap. We left perfectly content, even ordering a dozen nachos to-go for my family.
We got to my parents' house safely and were thrilled to sleep in a bed that we knew had clean sheets.
Overall, it was a good time and I'd like to head down again next spring. I'll need to find some defenses and new strategies to fight the sun and begin collecting my pennies so we can stay in a place a slight bit better than the Mesa Motel 6. Next year I'd like to get out to the back fields to check out the minor league guys and maybe check out some "B" games as well.
I'm already looking forward to it!
Until next time, keep tripping baseballs!
Full set of edited photos is found here!
Cubs on Pace for 162-0!
Let me make this clear. The Angels are my second favorite team in baseball. Most years I will root for them to go 162-0. This year, however, I was pulling for a 158-4 record and the first two games of the season were two of my anticipated and hoped for losses. And they try to tell me that dreams don't come true.
We arrived to Angel Stadium shortly before the gates opened and parked literally right next to the home plate entrance. The stadium lot is only $10 this season, either due to more parking now that the Amtrak station moved down the road or the fact that the Angels were tired of getting undercut by nearby businesses renting out spaces in their parking facilities. I was prepared to pay up to $20 due to my lack of mobility and discomfort walking the half mile from the outlying parking options, so to see the price at half of the cost to park at Disneyland, I was elated.
The aforementioned lack of mobility discouraged me from heading to the first base side of the ballpark, where the Cubs dugout was, to seek autographs or baseballs and Lauren and I headed straight to our seats above the bullpens. I spent much of the pre-game as close to the field as I could get, watching the Cubs take batting and fielding practice, watching Jon Lester warm up and chatting with fellow Cub fans.
The interesting thing about the pre-game activity was the fact that Manny Ramirez was hanging out in left field with Jorge Soler and Kyle Schwarber and even shagging a few baseballs himself. No one called to him for autographs or baseballs, and I wonder if no one recognized him, or if people just didn't care. I tend to think it was the former.
While I didn't notice any of the Cubs signing autographs at all during the pre-game, I later heard that Jake Arrieta was shagging baseballs in the outfield, pulling a pen from his back pocket, signing the ball and tossing it into the stands, which I happen to love. Post-game I saw the bullpen guys throw at least a half-dozen baseballs into the crowd, so the early reports of the Cubs being not so fan friendly on the road seem to me to be a few jilted autograph dealers upset that maybe the players weren't signing a dozen baseballs for every fan who asked.
While I was watching the Cubs get ready, Lauren did a reconnaissance mission of our seating area so that we could plan our food for the evening. I like nothing better than a basic hot dog at the ballpark, but sometimes it's nice to branch out. We opted for the burger bites, which are essentially White Castle sliders, minus the onions. They were topped with a sweet "thousand island-esque" sauce that was fine, but really, I could take it or leave it. They were served in a bucket with fries that were average ballpark fries. Overall, I'd get them again.
In the same vein, later in the game we shared a sticky sweet strawberry "rum-a-rita" in a lurid shade of red and the basic Angel dog. Both items will easily be repeated as the season goes on.
The game was great, as Jon Lester was dealing against an anemic Angel offense and the Cubs bats must have brought some of the heat of Las Vegas with them when the came to Anaheim. Home runs by Matt Szczur, Dexter Fowler and one-half of the Bryzzo Souvenir Company as well as a pure hustle double by David "Grandpa" Ross highlighted the offensive onslaught.
There was a very curious moment in the top of the second inning when Angel pitcher, Andrew Heaney threw one pitch to Anthony Rizzo, stepped off the mound and disappeared into the dugout. I wasn't sure whether he had been caught doing something illegal to the baseball, but I never saw the umpire gesture that he had been tossed from the game, and immediately jumping on Twitter, learned that he was dealing with a nosebleed. I don't know if there is any correlation at all, but the Angels placed him on the disabled list today with a muscle strain. Not a good thing for a franchise that is already very thin in the pitching department.
Lester pitched 7 strong innings and only allowed 4 hits, which marks a significantly better start than his first Cub start last season. Later, Trevor Cahill, Travis Wood and Pedro Strop all made appearances out of the bullpen and all looked very sharp.
As I said, we were seated right above the bullpens, in an area with a few fairly vocal groups of Cub fans, including a drunk man in a Cubs onesie and two of my favorite people from work, Shaun and Arvin. I really want the Cubs hockey-style sweatshirt that Arvin was showing off.
We left the game with little to no hassle and as we sat in the parking lot of the Big A I plugged in my iPhone and played "Go Cubs, Go" since the Angels didn't have the common courtesy to play it for us after the "W."
Thank you Angels for the 2-0 start. You can start winning now. At least until you head out to Wrigley later this summer! As usual, a gallery of game photos can be found right here.
Until next time,
Keep Tripping Baseballs!
Cubs Are Exhibitionists in Anaheim
While I don't fully understand the reasons that the Cubs would play an exhibition game on the day before they open the season against the team with whom they are going to play to start the aforementioned season I cannot complain too much. The fairly ill-conceived game provided me with two opportunities to see my Cubs in my town, since tickets to the actual opening day were selling for slightly more than I was willing, or able, to pay. Adding to that, the fact that the exhibition was taking place on a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I was sold on the idea.
The crowd for the game was significantly less than I had anticipated, possibly due to the fact that the two teams were playing "for real" the following day, and there was a healthy number of Cub fans in attendance, many located on the first base side close to the Cubs dugout.
The thing that irritated me a bit was the fact that while Joe Maddon started the same lineup that will be starting on Opening Day, the Angels didn't even bother with trotting out the regulars, even for a few innings. Mike Trout and Albert Pujols were both conspicuously MIA.
The ballpark appears much the same as it has over the past few years with no real notable additions or subtractions, either aesthetically or in relation to food offerings, which is a bit of a shame.
All of that being said, however, it was great to get back out to a baseball game, and while the end result of a Cubs loss is never a good thing, Kyle Hendricks pitched well and struck out more than a batter an inning and the Bryzzo boys crushed a pair of home runs adding to one from Addison Russell. Albert Almora showed his amazing defensive skills, as well.
I will also be attending game two, featuring Jon Lester and hopefully seeing the Cubs head to Arizona with a 2-0 record!
As always, the full gallery of photos can be found here.
Until next time,
Keep Tripping' Baseballs!
Retro Reviews: The Cubs Visit Me and Break My Heart…Again (Originally published 7-2-2013
The day that I had been waiting for was finally here and the Cubs were descending upon Anaheim. Yes, I had seen them in Los Angeles and San Diego, but having them here in my current town was very exciting and surreal for me. So was the desire to root for someone other than the Angels– the only time I'll do that is when they play my Cubs.
I decided to be a decent person and not drag Lauren to the game at the crack of dawn to wait for the Cubs to come to the stadium and try to get autographs. We did, however, get there before the gates opened to wait for the guys to take batting practice and, hopefully, interact.
I waited down the right field line with two fellow Cub fans, a dad and young son. This would prove to be a good strategic move, as baseball players are more likely to respond to a small kid than to an unshaven 30-year old guy. This would prove true as the afternoon went on.
I wasn't feeling well to begin with, and standing directly in the unrelenting Southern California sun was not doing me any favors, so I alternated standing at the wall and sitting in the seats. The first Cub that we saw was Jeff Samardzija who was coming out to run and do a bit of long toss. The kid next to me asked him if he'd sign and he said that he would after he worked out.
Retro Reviews: The Time the Cubs Tried to Kill Me (Originally posted 6-18-2013)
So…I was only able to attend the first of the Cubs-Angels games, and while I had a fairly successful evening, and I will be writing it up shortly, but here is a letter that I wrote to the Cubs regarding missing that second game.
Retro Reviews: See-Ya, Seattle (Originally posted 5-31-2013)
See-ya Se-attle: The Angels Resume the Sinking of the Mariners
After the insanity of the previous night's game, where Mike Trout hit for the cycle, Lauren told me that even as she was up in Simi Valley, her brother sprung it on her that he wanted to go to the Angels game. Sadly, they had left the DeLorean back at the hotel, so he was unable to time travel in order to make it to the Big A on time for the game.
When I heard about this, I felt bad and suggested that we try to get tickets to the next afternoon's game against the Mariners. We were able to get good seats in the Field Level for less than ten dollars a ticket, so back to the old ballgame I went.
Lauren's brother is a Giants fan, pretty much one of the worst kinds of people. As we were planning the details for the baseball game I made sure to tell him that he could not wear his new Giants cap. I hate it when fans wear the attire of teams that are not participating in the game. All baseball teams are not created equal and just because something is baseball related, does not mean it is appropriate for every game.
He showed up not only wearing his Giants cap, but also a Houston Astros shirt. Neither of whom were playing. This essentially sums up my relationship with Lauren's brother.
I was excited to finally see CJ Wilson take the mound at Angel Stadium. This would be my first time to see him in person since his big signing as a free agent the year before. I have always liked CJ, even when he was a hated Texas Ranger. He has been entertaining on Twitter and was one of the first big ballplayers to embrace the new media. Plus, he has always been a heck of a pitcher.
The Angels picked up right where they had left off the night before, including Mike Trout hitting a single and a triple in his first two at-bats. Alas, the dual cycle was not to happen, but the Angels put a hurt on Brandon Maurer, a local boy from the nearby city of Orange, and he was credited with giving up all seven runs. He lasted all of three innings, and the Mariner bullpen slammed the door on the Angels, shutting them out from the fourth inning onward.
The seven runs, though, were more than enough for CJ Wilson, who went eight strong innings and only allowed one run. Mike Scioscia inexplicably brought in Dane De La Rosa for the ninth inning, and even with that six run cushion, I was uneasy. Surprisingly, De La Rosa did his job, despite some two out dramatics, and the Angels lit up the Halo.
Continuing my luck from the Royals game, we were once again treated to visiting fans who don't understand how to behave in another team's ballpark. As the game was winding down, they weren't rooting on their team, they were trying to incite the home team fans, in a game that they were losing quite handily. I don't understand how standing in the front of the entire section and basically baiting thousands of the opposing team's fans makes sense, especially when you are being soundly destroyed by that opposing team.
I will be attending both of the Cubs-Angels games fully festooned in my Cubbie regalia, but I won't be inciting the Angels fans. There is a way to conduct yourself with a sense of dignity while cheering on your visiting team. I will be cheering every home run and great play, but I will also not be mocking the local fans.
It's just common decency as well as respect.
Until Next Time, Keep Trippin' Baseballs!


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Category Archives: Services
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OST fall vetting cycle is now open
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AIC Outdoor Sculpture Conservation Workshop Volunteers sought
We are looking for a couple volunteers for the workshop to be held October 18 – 21 in Washington DC. You can find more information on the sold-out workshop online here. We are looking for two or three volunteers to … Continue reading
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Foundation Center is celebrating Funding for Arts Month in October
Throughout October, the Foundation Center is celebrating Funding for Arts Month! Join us to learn more about arts funding at special events, free classes, and webinars. Check out the calendar of events in Washington, DC here. Coming Soon: Join us … Continue reading
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