text:
I'm straight, but attracted to transgender or gay porn (or gay attracted to straight porn). What's up?
NOTE: This page contains multiple self-reports by people (some of whom are more politically correct than others), who concluded that their porn tastes influenced their sexual tastes after they quit porn and noticed their tastes reverting. These self-reports are taken from porn recovery forums. YBOP excerpts them pretty much as they are, and their authors' views/languaging do not necessarily reflect those of this website. If you are content with your sexual tastes, or feel that your sexual tastes are set, read no farther. This page is for people who believe their porn-driven escalation to novel genres may be obscuring their earlier or innate sexual tastes.
- If you have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) we strongly suggest you consult with a counselor or doctor who specializes in OCD. Some with HOCD have benefited greatly from medications and appropriate therapy.
- Those with obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD tendencies who abstain from masturbation may experience increased symptoms. Even temporary abstinence may not be for you.
- YBOP suggests those with OCD read the HOCD rebooting accounts below and take from them what works for you. There is no one way.
Much of this FAQ is geared towards those with homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder (HOCD). That said, most of the suggestions could be applied to those with porn addiction or porn-induced fetishes. Relevant material:
- Excellent video by Noah Church: Straight Guys Watching Transsexual Porn? Are They Gay?
- Studies Find Escalation (and Habituation) in Porn Users
- Is my fetish porn-induced?
- Am I asexual?
- Study: Who Are Gynandromorphophilic Men? An Internet Survey of Men with Sexual Interest in Transgender Women. From the paper:
[Attraction to natal males with both breasts and a penis] "is best considered an unusual form of heterosexuality rather than a separate sexual orientation.
The main article starts below the following group of links. The first section contains the success stories (rebooting accounts) of men with porn-induced HOCD or porn-induced fetishes. (The very last section on this page is advice and insights from recovering guys.) If you want to calm your anxiety and feel hopeful, I suggest reading our blog posts listed after the rebooting accounts, as they answer most of the questions one would have. Or maybe start with the experts section, such as this article - Am I Gay? Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Takes Many Forms. This is an excerpt from it:
The Rules For HOCD
Hello there! My name is Mark, and I am a gay male with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I am writing for the benefit of heterosexual folks who hope to use this article to understand their fears about being gay (also known as gay OCD or HOCD). No worries, my friend: If you are trying to understand yourself or someone close to you who has HOCD, you are reading the right article.
- Rule one: If you say you are heterosexual, then you are. Period.
- Rule two: There are no other rules.
Thank you for taking the time to read and obey the rules. I am a teacher in my real life, and I always spell out the rules early on.
Now that we are coming at this from the same mindset, please bear with me as I walk you through HOCD.
Compulsive porn users often describe escalation in their porn use that takes the form of greater time viewing or seeking out new genres of porn. New genres that induce shock, surprise, violation of expectations or even anxiety can function to increase sexual arousal, and in porn users whose response to stimuli is growing blunted due to overuse, this phenomenon is extremely common.Norman Doidge MD wrote about this in his book The Brain That Changes Itself:
The current porn epidemic gives a graphic demonstration that sexual tastes can be acquired. Pornography, delivered by high-speed Internet connections, satisfies every one of the prerequisites for neuroplastic change.... When pornographers boast that they are pushing the envelope by introducing new, harder themes, what they don't say is that they must, because their customers are building up a tolerance to the content.
Human sexuality is far more "condition-able" than experts realized. A 2016 study found that half of internet porn users had escalated to material they previously found "uninteresting or disgusting."(Online sexual activities: An exploratory study of problematic and non-problematic usage patterns in a sample of men). An excerpt:
Forty-nine percent mentioned at least sometimes searching for sexual content or being involved in OSAs [porn] that were not previously interesting to them or that they considered disgusting.
This Belgian study also found problematic Internet porn use was associated with reduced erectile function and reduced overall sexual satisfaction. Yet problematic porn users experienced greater cravings (OSA's = online sexual activity, which was porn for 99% of subjects). Interestingly, 20.3% of participants said that one motive for their porn use was "to maintain arousal with my partner."
Several more studies, using various methods and assessments have reported Escalation (and Habituation) in Porn Users. For example, this 2017 study developed and tested a problematic porn use questionnaire that was modeled after substance addiction questionnaires The Development of the Problematic Pornography Consumption Scale (PPCS). Unlike previous porn addiction tests, this 18-item questionnaire assessed tolerance (escalation of use) and withdrawal, finding both, ending the debate over withdrawal & escalation in frequent porn users. Two questions it used to asses escalation of porn use:
- I gradually watched more "extreme" porn, because the porn I watched before was less satisfying
- I felt that I needed more and more porn in order to satisfy my needs
In addition, this 2016 study casts doubt on that assumption that sexual tastes are stable with respect to today's (streaming) internet pornography (Sexually Explicit Media Use by Sexual Identity: A Comparative Analysis of Gay, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men in the United States). Excerpt from this study:
The findings also indicated that many men viewed sexually explicit material (SEM) content inconsistent with their stated sexual identity. It was not uncommon for heterosexual-identified men to report viewing SEM containing male same-sex behavior (20.7%) and for gay-identified men to report viewing heterosexual behavior in SEM (55.0%).
This study, taken together with other studies on this page, debunks the meme that today's porn users eventually "discover their true sexuality" by surfing tube sites, and then stick to only one genre of porn for the rest of time.
Recovery stories of those with HOCD or porn-induced transgender fetish:
NOTE: Those with OCD have better luck just cutting out porn & porn-relted fantasizing, without trying to eliminate masturbation. YBOP suggests you read the following rebooting accounts and take from them what works for you. There is no one way.
- Medical Doctor - HOCD: Extreme fetish porn and acting out (read what an MD has to say) I probably started fapping at around 11-12 and now I am 22. For almost 2 years I thought I was gay because shemale & gay porns thrilled me the most, which of course was nonsense since my whole life I never felt aroused by a man, neither did I have a crush on one at any point in my life.
- Beating HOCD: Thread on YourBrainRebalanced
- 134 days in, [transwomen] now seem entirely unattractive... I now notice much more of the bone structure, thicker skin, larger foreheads, squarer jaws, broader shoulders, more sturdy arms and details like that, which have actually become a turnoff. Seeing a penis attached to even the most feminine body is no longer something of interest, albeit slightly disgusting to me now, I guess I'm longer used to it...
- 177 days - ED & HOCD, with a girlfriends help
- Unhooked from porn - Taste for transsexuals disappeared, women look good.
- ED, HOCD - Victory is closer than you think.
- Xanax helped
- Atention every one with HOCD or sexual anxiety!
- Good progress! (HOCD)
- Ex tranny finds freedom from fetish
- Age 15 - Escalated to extreme stuff, developed HOCD. I have recovered from porn addiction.
- Age 16 - (ED). Good news: Over HOCD; Bad news: I keep jumping back to porn
- Age 16 - Porn made me think I was gay (HOCD)
- Age 17 - HOCD & porn-induced ED, 100+ days
- Age 18 - Severe HOCD, first 8 months.
- Age 18 - ED cured, still battling HOCD
- Age 19 - HOCD is disappearing
- Age 19 - (ED), HOCD - both finally gone.
- Age 19 - (HOCD) Stopped porn and my girlfriend is now HOT, erections strong
- Age 20 - HOCD & extreme social anxiety: Now, I love life.
- Age 21 - Escalated into extreme fetish porn and thought I was bisexual. Cutting out porn changed everything.
- Age 21 - Day 79: Cured. First Sex EVER (HOCD)
- Age 21 - Been free from shemale porn for two years now.
- Age 21 - HOCD, anxiety, depression, brain fog, lethargy, pessemism
- Age 21 - ED, relapses, masturbation may have jumpstarted final healing
- Age 21 - Escalated into extreme fetish porn and thought I was bisexual.
- Age 21 - Porn-induced ED, HOCD and Vagina Phobia finally cured after years
- Age 22 - I finally found a way to get rid of my porn addiction, PIED & OCD.
- Age 22 - Porn screwed me up and quitting made my life better than ever - Without waffling, in a nut shell, porn robbed me off my social skills, it made me self-conscious, it took away my self confidence that I'd always had, it made me question everything, it gave me slight HOCD (questioning my fucking sexuality). I now look back, after being away from porn for so long, and everything is so clear, my mind is so sharp, and I'm now 100% comfortable with my sexuality (straight), like I was before I got hooked on porn. When you're feeding your brain with fucked up, twisted shit, how can you not expect thoughts to go in your head?
- Age 22 - ED, transexual porn
- Age 22 - ED cured: It was bad. ED since 16. I could no longer even get hard to porn. Could only jack off to shemale porn.
- Age 22 - HOCD is also almost completely gone. I faced the fears.
- Age 23 - (ED), 3 months and carrying on
- Age 22 - I genuinely thought I could have been transgender (autogynephilia). If you saw me today, you wouldn't believe I was that person.
- Age 23 - HOCD: Reflecting on the past few years of NoFap and PornFree.
- Age 23 - Hooked on transexual porn, social anxiety
- Age 23 - ED cured: had escalated to femdom & transgender porn
- Age 23 - HOCD, ED
- Age 23 - 60 days: ED significantly improved, HOCD thoughts fading away. I feel like I'm actually enjoying life now
- Age 23 - HOCD: It took me 2.5 years to go from zero to hero.
- Age 24 - No more delayed ejaculation, got GF & more happy than ever (transexual porn & escorts)
- Age 24 - 5-year recovery, severe HOCD, transgender porn
- Age 25 - I feel like a brand new man. (HOCD - ED)
- Age 25 - from porn-induced ED to great sex life in 90 days
- Age 25 - Abstinence alone isn't enough: From extreme PIED & porn-induced fetishes to a sex machine
- Age 25 - After 1 year of nofap I am 100% cured of anxiety, HOCD and ED
- Age 26 - 90 days hardmode: spectacular results
- Age 27 - HOCD, OCD, Anxiety gone
- Age 27 - PIED & HOCD. I abstained for most of the last 4 years: I needed to rewire before I could fix this
- Age 28 - 90 days, Q&A - HOCD and social anxiety improved
- Age 30 - 32 days hard mode. Fighting HOCD.
- Age 30 - Escalated to transsexual porn: my tips on beating porn addiction
- Age 32 - HOCD, ED: porn is not sex
- Age 37 - HOCD & PIED: Right now, I can assure you those issues are over
- Age 42 - Married: Gave up porn; quit cross-dressing and dangerous masturbation
- My life has changed: ED cured, not confused about sexuality
- 1.5 years - I'm rebooted. This is amazing, strange, beautiful and scary
- Hooked on transsexual porn - My sexuality has reset. But the OCD is still there.
- How I Recovered from HOCD
- Beating HOCD - Saving my life
- Help for HOCD thoughts
- I don't have strange unwanted fetishes anymore!
- HOCD - Stop looking for answers
- 90 day report - HOCD, many positive changes
- Another HOCD Post. Advice/Feedback Needed.
- One Man's Struggles With Transsexual Porn
- "HOCD is in the past, but porn is still a problem"
- "How I tamed my HOCD
- From str8 to gay and back
- "Vagina arousal fear"
- An Attempt to Face Porn Addiction by Carrying Out Fantasies (Shemale)
- Short HOCD Recovery Stories
- Can SSRIs help?
- How I got rid of HOCD
- 90 days - I'm much more attracted to women these days. Also had symptoms of HOCD and these are totally gone
- ED free since day 80. HOCD significantly decreased. Had more sex in these 250 days than in the previous 24 years.
- My fetishes have diminished and no longer confused about my sexuality. I also had depression & anxiety I am convinced was brought on by PMO
Blog posts on porn-induced fetishes and HOCD (listed from earliest to most recent):
- "Losing at Porn Roulette" And see his recovery report - Our first post on morphing sexual tastes.
- 'Straight Men, Gay Porn' and Other Brain Map Mysteries - Our second post expands on what we discovered
- "Can You Trust Your Johnson?" - Our most complete post on morphing sexual tastes (many comments below it).
- Rethinking Ogas and Gaddam's 'A Billion Wicked Thoughts' - Our post which disagrees with A Billion Wicked Thoughts conclusion that porn tastes are static.
- Are Sexual Tastes Immutable? - Post explores morphing sexual tastes, and relevant animal research.
- Exposure Therapy for HOCD? Porn-related HOCD may call for its own treatment protocol - Our most recent post discussing therapy for HOCD
Materials by experts:
- Study: Who is attracted to 'shemales'? - Who are gynandromorphophilic men? Characterizing men with sexual interest in transgender women (2015)
- I'm Not Gay and You Aren't Either - the truth about HOCD
- The understanding and treatment of the obsessional doubt related to sexual orientation and relationship substantiation, by Steven Phillipson, Ph.D.
- HOCD: Homosexual OCD & Sexual Orientation OCD, by Steven J. Seay, Ph.D.
- Gay OCD / HOCD / Sexual Orientation OCD: Common Subtypes - OCD center of LA
- "You Are Not Your Brain", by Jeffrey Schwartz, a medical doctor who treats OCD
- Schwartz technique from The Brain That Changes Itself,
- HOCD Sub-Types: by Jon Hershfield MA
- What Is HOCD (Homosexual-Compulsive Disorder)? - by OCD Today
- Short video by 2 therapists: "Caught Him Looking At Gay Porn! Is He Gay?"
- Dr. Penzel on OCD vs. Porn Addiction
- Doctor Penzel Describes Desensitization Process for HOCD
- Gay OCD / HOCD Test - OCD center of LA
YBOP presentations that address how one develops porn-induced fetishes and porn-induced ED
- Adolescent Brain Meets Highspeed Internet Porn - My latest video on porn use causing sexual conditioning and acquired tastes in porn.
- Your Brain on Porn - porn addiction - explains escalation into new porn genres and development of porn addiction
Gary's radio shows dealing with HOCD or porn-induced fetishes:
- HOCD: How does it develop? How does one recover? (radio show #23) - I interview a young man who recovered from HOCD
- Porn, escalation, tolerance and morphing sexual tastes (show #16)
- Porn, sexual conditioning and the adolescent brain (show #17)
Articles by journalists:
- Why Trans Porn Is Hugely Popular Among Hetero Men - Alternet (2016)
- Pure OCD: a rude awakening, The Guardian - everyone should read this! Female writes about personal struggle with SOCD.
- The nightmare of living with OCD, The Guardian - everyone should read this too.
- Why bathroom sex is hot - anxiety and "fear" can increase sexual excitement
- 'Homosexual OCD': Straight Men Who Suspect They Are Gay
Science related to porn-induced SOCD
- Homosexuality Anxiety: A Misunderstood Form of OCD, by Monica Williams PhD (2008)
- Google Talk by Neuroscientist: Why we like certain types of porn (including shemale)
- Study finds that OCD is a typical *result* of this addiction
- Study: Who is attracted to 'shemales'? - Who are gynandromorphophilic men? Characterizing men with sexual interest in transgender women (2015)
- Study: on male homosexual behavior - Indian researchers found that only 26% of men being treated for STIs acquired during sex with men appeared to be gay. The rest were trying it for other reasons.
- Study: Anxiety increases sexual arousal (1983) - Anxiety can heighten sexual arousal and excitation
- Study: Sexual anxiety and female sexual arousal: a comparison of arousal during sexual anxiety stimuli and sexual pleasure stimuli (1987) - Anxiety can heighten sexual arousal
- Study: The effect of emotional arousal on subsequent sexual arousal in men (1980) - Anxiety can heighten sexual arousal
- Study: Assessing Sexual Orientation-Related Obsessions and Compulsions in Italian Heterosexual Individuals: Development and Validation of the Sexual Orientation Obsessive-Compulsive Scale (2016).
- Research finds source of thrill from fear - anxiety/fear can increase dopamine
- Courting both ways and Drunken flies get hypersexual - Boosting dopamine has male flies courting males
- Enhanced D2-type receptor activity facilitates the development of conditioned same-sex partner preference in male rats (2012) - Boosting dopamine sexually conditions male rats to prefer males over females.
- Meds 'Made Him Gay' - Dopamine agonists cause hypersexuality in significant percentage of patients
- Dopamine agonist triggered pathological behaviors - hypersexuality caused by dopamine agonists
- Sexual orientation obsessions in obsessive compulsive disorder prevalence and correlates. (2011)
Tips on remedies:
NOTE: We are not doctors, and you need to check this information with a doctor before trying either of these ideas. But here are comments from two guys who wrestled with HOCD:
Cravings for extreme or anxiety-producing material can get worse at first due to the effects of withdrawal. See this Reddit thread.
I ... started taking inositol and... FUCK ME it's helping a FUCKING LOT. I'm not sure if this isn't only placebo, but it's been over a month now and I feel much better. There are days where I don't have a single intrusive thought, literally, a single fucking one. You should check it out guys.
I second the inositol would also like to add N Acetyl Cysteine or NAC as a very helpful supplement inositol reduces the obsessisions NAC reduces the associated anxiety. Especially when combined with meditation and therapy.
Supplement tips for OCD in general
Are you struggling with feelings like this?
I seriously thought I was turning gay. My HOCD was so strong at that time, I was contemplating taking a dive off the nearest high-rise. I felt so depressed. I knew I loved girls and I can't love another dude, but why did I have ED? Why did I need transexual/gay stuff to shock me into arousal? Now that I understand why I was suffering, I have gotten so much better. I am looking for girlfriend, while rebooting at the same time. I am so relieved to understand why it is, and what it is.
It's clear from a nofap survey that many porn users escalate to porn genres that do not match their innate sexuality. Almost 60% of nofap members who were polled said their tastes had become increasingly extreme or deviant. About half of them were disturbed by these changes, the other half - not so much. Moreover, when researchers finally asked porn users if their porn use had escalated to material they formerly found "uninteresting or disgusting," half of them said it had. And Cambridge researchers have begun to demonstrate that internet porn causes users to habituate more rapidly than controls, and to be more responsive to novelty.
It appears that desensitization of the reward circuitry is behind many porn users escalating to porn that doesn't match their original sexual tastes or orientation. HOCD may be a more unsettling version of what guys report all the time - escalation to new genres. Fear, anxiety, or shock all elevate dopamine and adrenaline (norepinephrine), which may amplify sexual excitation. This is exactly what a desensitized brain craves. And if your brain becomes desperate enough for stimulation (because you can't easily climax to earlier genres), you may even act out, as this visitor did:
For my part I've never been afraid of "turning gay" as I have WAY too much appreciation for the female form in all of its sparkling varieties. BUT I've been having fantasies about sexual relations with other men and I've even acted on these fantasies. Thing is, the male body does nothing for me in terms of getting turned on, but the "forbidden" aspect of it makes my dopamine-craving mind play with the idea anyway.
A key principle in understanding how we wire, or re-wire, our brains is, "neurons that fire together wire together." That is, if two things happen at the same time, our brains often associate them by means of actual neural connections. The more intense the associated events, or the more they are repeated, the stronger the wiring. Groups of nerve cells devoted to a behavior or function are sometimes called "brain maps."
Reproduction is our genes' number-one priority, and sexual stimulation produces our highest levels of dopamine, which helps cement memories and learning. Orgasm is a neurochemical blast so delicious that our brains readily wire it (and arousal) to associated events and circumstances. As psychiatrist Norman Doidge explained in The Brain That Changes Itself:
The men at their computers looking at porn were uncannily like the rats in the cages of the NIH, pressing the bar to get a shot of dopamine or its equivalent. Though they didn't know it, they had been seduced into pornographic training sessions that met all the conditions required for plastic change of brain maps. ... Each time they felt sexual excitement and had an orgasm when they masturbated, a "spritz of dopamine," the reward neurotransmitter, consolidated the connections made in the brain during the sessions. [From the chapter "Acquiring Tastes and Loves."]
This is not purely theoretical as recent animal research reveals that high levels of dopamine (a dopamine agonist) can alter sexual preferences in males. Norman Doidge counseled many men who had developed sexual tastes that did not match their innate sexuality:
The content of what [patients] found exciting changed as the Web sites introduced themes and scripts that altered their brains without their awareness. Because plasticity is competitive, the brain maps for new, exciting images increased at the expense of what had previously attracted them. (p.109)
In other words, it seems as though many men are now experiencing porn-induced alterations in sexual tastes. Is that surprising? Our ancesters didn't spend hours jacking off to images of ejaculating penises.
However, HOCD is more than simply getting off to new porn, or even using porn that doesn't match your true sexual orientation. Instead it is a recognized disorder that can be a living hell. From Pure OCD: a rude awakening, The Guardian, an excellent article by a female with SOCD:
A common manifestation of obsessive-compulsive disorder is one called homosexual OCD (HOCD), also called gay OCD or homophobic OCD. This arises as a fear and obsession with being gay - usually a person who believes him or herself to be straight will question that sexuality and begin obsessing on homosexuality.
Here's the one thing that a counselor will remind you as soon as you begin treatments for HOCD: if you believe yourself to be straight, then you are.
The instances of a straight person "finding out" they're gay through HOCD episodes are so statistically small as to be less than flukes. They're almost non-existent. Most of those who "convert" to homosexuality do so only temporarily as they begin to understand that their obsession was not about their own sexuality, but about other fears and anxieties that may not have even been related to homosexuality.
It seems as though there are two types of HOCD:
- OCD + homosexual fears (or event) = HOCD
- Years of porn use + distress about escalation to gay/transsexual porn = porn-related HOCD
Random events in life, such as unthinking comments by peers at vulnerable moments, can cause some people to start questioning their sexual orientation compulsively (HOCD).
However, today an emerging impetus for HOCD is chronic overstimulation, which leaves the brain less responsive to everyday pleasures and thus desperate for sensation. To some degree this is also happening to porn users who don't develop HOCD. See Studies linking porn use or porn/sex addiction to sexual dysfunctions, lower brain activation to sexual stimuli, and lower sexual satisfaction
Streaming online pornography makes chronic overconsumption easy. Compared with erotica of the past it's so stimulating that, in some users, it produces addiction-related brain changes. No wonder. Quite apart from nonstop sexual titillation, today's Internet porn activates the brain's reward system for all evolutionarily salient stimuli, augmenting memory formation (wiring):
- Strong emotions, such as surprise, fear, disgust, anxiety,
- Novelty,
- Seeking and searching, and
- Anything that violates expectations, including danger.
Moreover, it's possible that those who develop HOCD may have brains that are particularly plastic for some reason. According to a Chinese study, those with OCD tendencies prior to exposure to the Internet face increased risk of addiction.
In any event, a porn addict's brain can grow numb to normal pleasure even as it becomes hyper-reactive to select cues. Here's a guy describing a common progression, which is often reported by those who slip into porn-related HOCD:
29 y/o with 17 years of MO (to softcore and imagination) and 12 years of masturbating, escalating to extreme/fetish porn. I started to lose interest in real sex. The build up and release from porn became stronger than it was from sex. Porn offers unlimited variety. I could choose what I want to see in the moment. My delayed ejaculation during sex became so bad that sometimes I couldn't orgasm at all. This killed my last desire to have sex.
Classic sexual conditioning
Once this degree of desensitization has set in, the stage is set for porn-related HOCD. Non-conforming porn violates expectations, releases more dopamine and norepinephrine than earlier porn genres, and furnishes the extra kick that fires up sluggish (addicted) reward circuitry. A user may begin to question why he can get off to fetish porn with transsexual/gay action yet not be attracted to real sex partners who aroused him in the past.
His brain, however, automatically begins to wire its sexual response to this novel, stimulating genre—in a classic case of sexual conditioning. As explained in an earlier post, sexuality can be conditioned to most anything, even the smell of death, so it's not surprising that many of today's porn users report that their porn tastes morph all over the place as their pleasure response declines.
Now, our user may find that he can only climax to his latest (and therefore most stimulating) genre. If it's one that he views as inconsistent with his underlying sexual orientation, the shock value is greater...and releases even more stimulating/anxiety-producing neurochemicals. His arousal is heightened, in part, by his own stress. These guys describe their experience:
First guy: The scary thing is that I've been seeing women as crazy attractive, and men or the idea of men pretty nonsexual. As a gay man who's pretty much exclusively had relations with other men since high school, this is kind of weird. Even when I see "ugly" ladies walking on the street, I can't help but picture what it'd be like to have crazy sex with them right there. Will it stop? Is it reversible?
Second guy: The first two days I had serious anxiety, almost wanting to kill myself because I lost all attraction towards any female. These thoughts make me think that I am gay, making me question what I do, what I say, making me sick. I can't eat. I think intrusive thoughts...making me feel like I'm gay, when I know I'm not.
The users' desperation to understand whether their sexual orientation has suddenly changed can lead to constant, compulsive "testing" and other reassurance rituals. As with other varieties of OCD (including non-porn-related HOCD), the testing and searches for reassurance offer temporary relief. Each "test" reinforces the unwanted arousal—either with rewarding relief, or electrifying distress if the test fails. In this way, tests reinforce the problematic triggers.
What's a therapist to do?
Keep in mind that behavioral addictions and compulsions run on reward. We know from addiction therapy that addictions gradually heal as those rewards are no longer forthcoming due to abstinence. Slowly, the brain weakens related pathways.
The therapist may best be able to help by correctly evaluating the rewards behind a particular client's HOCD. If his motivating reward is primarily relief from "testing" or from repeatedly declaring his orientation has changed (to get the temporary relief of certainty), then exposure and response prevention (no moretesting or anxiety-motivated declarations) may do the trick.
In the case of porn-related HOCD, however, the rewards of addiction may comprise the lion's share of the client's challenge. There could well be two addictive rewards in the mix: fear and sexual arousal.
Fear as reward
Distress may not sound rewarding but fear activates the reward circuitry and anxiety can be sexually arousing. Think roller coasters and horror films. To a brain desperate for sensation (due to the brain changes brought on by chronic overstimulation/addiction), fear-induced activation can register as especially compelling. It jacks up both dopamine and norepinephrine (a form of adrenaline). As one guy hooke on transexual porn described:
I've gone back to lesbian porn now, I found shemale porn really really arousing at first, but not really my cup of tea anymore. Once I stopped being afraid of what people would think, it lost that rush it gave me and became boring.
When I first found shemale porn it was new and exciting, but now I'd rather a woman. Fear is what drove my attraction to shemales, but once the fear was gone the attraction was gone. It don't look right seeing a woman with a dick anymore. It's not disgusting but just not right.
But there's more going on at a biological level. The stress neurochemical cortisol can also heighten rewarding effects by triggering the release of dopamine. Eventually, brain changes can make someone hyper-responsive to stressful cues. Research confirms that extreme stress and drugs of abuse both increase the strength of related (addiction) brain pathways. Researchers believe cortisol thus plays a pivotal role in reward-related behavioral pathologies.
The situation is akin to BDSM, where physical pain heightens a person's sexual buzz because of the effects on the brain. In HOCD sufferers, arousal and panic achieve a similar end. Bottom line: Despite intense emotional or physical discomfort, heightened arousal can make a behavior very hard to stop (addictive). Anxiety is anxiety, even though it sometimes feels like arousal in a brain desperate for stimulation.
My anxiety is misinterpreted as "deep feelings" for the guy I'm talking with because anxiety IS a kind of arousal.
The HOCD sufferer's brain has learned to obtain part of its reward from its own distress. Worse yet, when the sufferer tries to give up porn, his anxiety will naturally increase for an extended period. Withdrawal raises anxiety in all recovering addicts, fueling powerful cravings for more stimulation quite apart from HOCD concerns. Most eventually discover that "checking" is the real issue:
I used to google HOCD every single day, but it caused so much confusion I had to stop. DO NOT look up any definitions of homosexuality or or believe what you read about homosexuality. I literally did everything you're not supposed to do. In time, you'll be able to read coming out stories and realize that was never you. You're not there yet though. You're where I was 6 months ago or so. Yeah, it takes a really fucking long time to get over, I'm not going to lie to you.
For HOCD sufferers this predictable increase in anxiety tends to set off intense spikes (panics about orientation) and frantic "checking," often driving them back into addiction. Indeed, some report that their HOCD fears were trivial until they quit porn, and the added anxiety of porn withdrawal hit them. As the addicted brain targets the strongest "fix" it can think of: panic+checking+sexual arousal to HOCD-related stimuli, straight feelings seem to evaporate.
Sexual arousal as reward
An addiction to Internet porn is an addiction to an orgasm-aid. Sexual arousal is the most powerful natural reward the brain can produce. Yet arousal from porn's constant novelty (each scene offers another hit of stimulating neurochemicals) can produce a surprisingly potent reward. Sex, or even orgasm, may pale in intensity as porn addiction progresses and response to everyday pleasures declines. Some users end up hooked on the neurochemical buzz from edging to novel porn for hours, intentionally deferring, or avoiding, climax.
The brain evolved to assume that a source of intense sexual arousal is a potential fertilization opportunity. If someone arouses himself with something that releases maximum dopamine and norepinephrine, the brain will automatically wire it up as "valuable." It doesn't matter if it's not consistent with his innate sexuality—because the brain measures salience according to levels of reward circuitry activation, not orientation. (It just so happens that in a brain responding normally to pleasure, stimuli appropriate to one's orientation generally produce the most satisfying feelings.)
Not surprisingly, sensitized brain pathways for intense sexual cues are different from less stimulating cues (even sexual ones). We can unwire the latter with relative ease, but not the former. This has been demonstrated in research, as recounted by James G. Pfaus et al:
Lalumière and Quinsey (1998 ) reported significant conditioned genital arousal in heterosexual men to a picture of a moderately attractive, partially nude woman that was paired with a video depicting highly arousing sexual interaction. A control group that received access to the picture alone (without the video) showed habituation [instead]. (emphasis added)
As explained above, for porn-related HOCD sufferers sexual cues are especially intense because they are heightened by the neurochemical effects of fear.
Exposure therapy backfires when porn addiction is present
For the Internet porn addict using standard HOCD therapy, exposure to real gay men doesn't address the source of his HOCD conditioning—which is not to humans or sex with humans, but rather to pixels. Yet if he tries exposure therapy with gay porn, he is engaging in the precise behavior to which he is addicted. One can't cause an addict to habituate by providing the very cues he's hooked on!
This is why porn-based exposure therapy could well be all wrong for guys trying to unravel porn-related HOCD. It's like having an alcoholic drink more on the theory that she will get bored with drinking, or a gambler place more bets until he habituates. In an addict, continued use only deepens the addiction ruts in the brain. Exposure therapy may thus deliver an unproductive mixed message to a porn-addicted HOCD sufferer instead of promoting useful conditioning (habituation).
So where does one start? Porn addicts need to eliminate Internet porn use above all. As their brains return to balance many also notice that confusing sexual cues lose their power.
If porn addicts with HOCD try to use related cues for a therapeutic purpose instead of abstaining from them they're strengthening their
behavioral-addiction neural pathways. This is a Catch 22. The addict (and perhaps his therapist) may wrongly conclude that his persistent, powerful response to problematic cues is not HOCD, but rather "proof" that his sexual orientation has mysteriously transformed.
The point is that addiction presents an obstacle for standard OCD Exposure & Response Prevention therapy. Even if a porn addict stops seeking the reward of relief (from testing or analysis), exposure to porn still "rewards" him by activating his sensitized addiction pathways.
What does help?
We are not therapists. However, we have read self-reports by a number of former Internet porn users who describe themselves as suffering/recovering from HOCD (sample self-report). We'll summarize their experience in case it proves useful.
Guys report that giving up the reward of Internet porn and temporarily giving up the reward of sexual activity (other than relaxed, affectionate partner sex) both help resolve their HOCD. As they stop reinforcing their prime reward (porn use), their brains gradually look around for, and wire to, other sexual rewards. This can take months. In light of these guys' experience, therapists may want to invite clients to disconnect from Internet porn for a few months before introducing exposure therapy (if ever).
At first, guys may not respond normally to partners, although relaxed affection is soothing (perhaps because it releases oxytocin). Also, until the worst of the addiction withdrawal has passed, they also often experience more excruciating HOCD spikes. The anxiety produced by withdrawal or other stress is likely to push you to "test" yourself by looking at the anxiety-producing images. Testing only reinforces this condition.
Those recovering report that if they can accept the intrusive HOCD thoughts without distress, they sidestep the neurochemical reinforcement of fear. In addition, they find it helpful to learn to live with uncertainty about their sexual orientation and to avoid all testing and efforts to "figure out the truth." That way they also stop the rewarding reinforcement of fleeting relief and "certainty."
In other words, the HOCD sufferer needs to work on stopping stop three rewarding habits: Internet porn use, relief seeking and distress.
One man's self-report
This man's report is interesting because he began by weakening the porn reward, only to find that he hadn't dealt with the fear and relief (checking) rewards.
I'm now over 3 months without porn, but I had sunk into a stupor of constantly checking various HOCD message boards. I was spending hours every day on those sites, sometimes checking them as much as several times an hour: at work, while I was driving, in bed at night, etc. etc. etc. Really bad 'checking behavior.' My brain was being rewarded when I would read something that reassured me, and it would fire up and freak out when I read something that spiked my anxiety.
I had also expanded my checking onto other message boards, including gay and bisexual boards. This just perpetuated the spiral. I wasn't sleeping much on account of all my anxiety, and I wasn't really present in my life. I was either on these boards or worrying about what I read on them. Constantly. My relationship was suffering. Sometimes, alone at night, I would go on 2-3 hour binges of HOCD checking on internet message boards, and then feel awful afterward.
I decided I would stop. My mate deserves someone who is present, not totally distracted. Since then, I have only had one 15-minute session, checking for replies. I've had to struggle to resist temptation, but the result is that I feel SO much better.
It's really pretty remarkable. My HOCD has decreased significantly now that I am not constantly signaling to my brain "THESE HOCD THOUGHTS ARE IMPORTANT" by going on the boards and engaging in checking and reassurance. I hadn't read a book in months, but I'm now on my second one since I gave up the boards. My free time at night is now spent either with my girlfriend or reading by the fire. I'm sleeping a lot better.
Yes, I still get the occasional spike when I see an attractive guy. And then from the checking with thoughts of him. But it's gotten to be a lot less, and that thought fades a lot faster.
I now think that my HOCD may have been due to the fact that when I finally overdosed on PMO after years and years of it, I lost much of my attraction to real women. Without it women and men started to look the same to me, and BAM worries about being gay erupted.
Schwartz's non-exposure therapeutic approach
There is an existing therapeutic system for treating OCD that doesn't advocate exposure. Psychiatrist Jeffrey Schwartz developed it. (Read a description taken from Doidge's The Brain That Changes Itself.)
Schwartz teaches his patients how neuroplasticity works so they understand that their compulsion is arising from an unwanted, overly active brain loop (not unlike addiction). He then explains that the brain's wiring can be changed with conscious effort.
In some ways, it's the very opposite of exposure therapy. Instead of attempting to habituate via exposure, one attempts to rewire the brain by shifting gears the instant a related cue pops up. Schwartz suggests switching to a pre-selected constructive activity.
The goal isn't to avoid discomfort by seeking relief, but rather to activate unrelated brain pathways in lieu of the problematic ones so the brain disconnects from its former "rewards," and perhaps even comes to associate anxiety with a productive task. In any case, accepting the uncomfortable thoughts without reacting emotionally helps a lot. Said one:
One thing I do that works well for me is to completely accept the fact I am having an unwanted thought. I do my best to relax and kind of ignore the thought, and refocus on a task or simply breathing and living in the moment I am in. This almost never works if I try to forcefully focus on something else. Just relax, realizing the thought is there and concentrate (relaxingly) on your task. Eventually I realise that I haven't been thinking the thought and was completely focused on my task. Of course, the thought comes back at this point because I remember I had it.
The very next thing I do is tell myself, "good job" and repeat above. Refocus. Reattribute. Revalue. as covered in Dr. Schwartz's OCD material. And yes, it didn't sound like it would work until I tried it.
You really need to treat yourself like a little kid. Every time you forget the thought, no matter how long, congratulate and pat yourself on the back mentally. Be nice to yourself. Violence toward the self, toward the body becomes outward violence, and vice versa. Be nice, patient with yourself. Force yourself to relax even if the thought you are having completely freaks you out. Whatever thought you are having is not as important as the will not to do it!
If you fall into a pattern where each new "test" just makes you worry more, your brain is using your fear as a sexual cue. In this case, you may find the Schwartz method of overcoming OCD the most useful technique. One HOCD sufferer said:
I have done exposure therapy for my HOCD, and I am currently using the Schwartz method. Exposure in my opinion works best when the obsessions and compulsions are weak, that is when HOCD issues are merely a question in the back of a person's mind.
Schwartz's technique is better suited in my opinion for a person in the late stages of HOCD. It takes discipline to conquer the delusions and anxiety to not reassure oneself. The Schwartz approach is a very difficult technique to start, but once a person is successful at stopping obsessing, it becomes easier, as they are able to go through the day without obsessions...until an intrusive thought hits them again.
Now, is the critical point for Schwartz's technique to kick in. One must shift to a different activity/thought/visualization immediately. Because once a person investigates the intrusive thought it becomes a runaway train as anxiety arises. So let it go! In effect, the person has to figure out a new reward system for himself. For me, the reward is being rid of anxiety as long as I ignore the thoughts.
Exposure therapy at this intense stage, where my anxiety is engulfing and delusional, is pointless. It only feeds my OCD. Exposure therapy works best when the person is still able to realize rational and irrational thinking, to realize that their fears are irrational. When rationality becomes replaced by anxiety delusions, IMO exposure therapy feeds OCD. Just my opinion.
This guy bites his lip:
I find that the biting the lip technique in the middle of class is working extremely well. I didn't have a gay thought all day except this morning I had one over a thought ever so small. But I am not worrying about it because that was 1 over the last 24 hours. It will take longer for this habit to be fully be gone but at least there is a sign that I'm almost there. I also have no urge to return to gay porn, which is a huge reliever.
As an aside, HOCD expert Fred Penzel also discourages exposure therapy for porn addicts, despite the fact that he recommends Exposure & Response Prevention therapy in classic HOCD cases.
Hopefully, researchers will soon determine which protocols work best for which HOCD sufferers. Many of those affected are desperate to resolve their anxiety. Indeed, of all the recovering porn addicts who visit our site, the HOCD guys suffer the worst and relapse the easiest.
At present, many are hesitant to seek help for fear that well meaning therapists will tell them they are gay (or straight) when they know they are not.
Porn-related HOCD sufferers generally have no idea how to rewire because the standard therapy doesn't work, and the most promising solutions feel so counter-intuitive (they have to walk away from relief, from analysis, and from sexual arousal for a time). Most won't figure it out without informed professional assistance. To progress, they may need to find a therapist well versed in both addiction and the role of abstinence in unhooking the brain from unwanted "rewards."
Thoughts on transexual porn
Peculiar as it is, a taste for transexual porn is common in straight men. Here's an excerpt from an article talking about a recent book on porn tastes:
The authors say, "if you categorize the sites on the Alexa Adult List by the names of the sites, then T-girl sites are the fourth most popular
category of adult Web site." Also, "'shemales' is the sixteenth most popular sexual search on Dogpile, more popular than 'butts,' 'threesomes,' and 'interracial sex.'" So who's doing the searching? Ogas and Gaddam quote Housekeeper, operator of several transsexual porn sites:
"My main audience, and the audience for most shemale porn, are straight dudes. That's how it's always been. I will say that all of the visitors to transsexual sites are straight."
Also see The strange new science behind "A Billion Wicked Thoughts".
So where does the appeal of transexual porn come from? Gay guys generally don't want to see it. Transexual isn't a "sexual orientation." It isn't found in nature, so humans wouldn't have evolved to want to see it. It's not a thing that most users would go looking for...unless they've strategically been manipulated by porn site makers.
What transexual porn is...is a way to combine powerful sexual cues that normally can't be combined. It's a strong message directly to the limbic system of the brain. It combines viewers' favorite sexual cues: breasts, erect penis, ejaculating penis, BJ, masturbation, etc., in one visual.
The limbic brain, which can't reason and doesn't know such a thing doesn't exist in nature, just says, "Oooh! Oooh! Our favorite cues for sexual arousal! This is extra HOT!" On top of that, like homosexual porn for a straight guy, or straight rape porn for a gay guy, it's shocking and therefore exciting. And, *cha-ching!* The porn makers pocket the advertising revenue from your visits.
It makes sense that daring, novel experiences "stick" in your mind and later continue to fire off all kinds of exciting neurochemical "DO IT!" messages - especially when your pleasure response is below par (perhaps due to excess). The real key is whether the experience really satisfies...or just leaves you hungry for more.
Here's another eye-opening experience:
With porn I had become addicted mainly to shemales. It caused serious question about my sexuality when I immersed myself in such fantasies. Well, I decided to try one shemale escort just to see.
NOT my thing! I could not get past even seeing/talking to "her" for more than a few minutes and politely ended the evening. Talk about bursting one's bubble, LOL. So that part is settled.
One guy explains how his confusion started:
My perversions got worse and worse, at first I was just into vanilla, but soon, it wasn't enough by my early 20s, I started watching more extreme fetishes, hentai, bondage, peeing, shemales, mind-control, orgasm denial and having a fantasy that I wanted a harem of hundreds of women that had no other desire in life than to satisfy me. Eventually it got to the point where I was looking at a wanton woman in ecstasy and saw the man's penis as kind of a pleasure bringer.... I felt like I wanted that too, and started fantasising about being with a guy. Age 29 - Before I started nofap I thought I was bisexual, not anymore
A comment by a TV producer under this review of the UK documentary Porn On The Brain
Stuart Bull - 01 October 2013
Three years ago I was part of a team of TV researchers who looked into many of the issues surrounding internet porn for a program that never aired. The main producer felt the scientific evidence involved (which was supposed to be the back bone of the program) was not strong enough.
During the research I spoke with a number of people with porn related problems, literally read thousands of comments from men on anti-porn sites and spoke with neuroscientists. Much of the scientific research is still in its infancy but there is no doubt in my mind that prolonged viewing of porn can have a seriously negative effect on some adults and children.
The most concerning thing I came across was adult & teenage males who began watching standard porn (if there is such thing) regularly and over the course of several years started to move to more and more extreme imagery as they became desensitized to the standard porn and looked for the newest 'fix.'
People who on the surface seemed perfectly normal human beings were worried that they could only get an erection to porn, no longer felt the urge to form a proper relationship with a woman as porn had become a substitute, heterosexual men who had become so desensitised to heterosexual porn they found themselves viewing homosexual porn, men who were concerned about their feelings for children because the line between what they found pretty or cute and what they found sexy was beginning to blur.
99% of these people were adults and had had time to form a proper sexuality and relationships prior to their issues. This meant, that as one neuroscientist suggested, with the right help their brains could be returned to their previous sexual identity, even if the images they had viewed cannot be completely forgotten.
For a boy aged 10-14, with no previous sexual experience, there is no reset button. We could have future generations of young men who objectify women and have totally unrealistic ideas of sex and in some cases men who will have their brains re-wired by extreme imagery to the extent that they could be a risk to the women and children around them. We shouldn't put our heads in the sand and await for some true scientific evidence. We need to do something now.
Meds helped this guy:
I found nofap helped my OCD a lot as did doing new activities ie daily exercise. One thing I don't hear discussed on the forums is medication or therapy. For me, high doses of inositol a supplement that reboots dopamine receptors combined with valerian and NAC reduced my obsessions. But it still took all my effort not to give into compulsive checking [testing] and porn.
NOTE: Meds help some OCD sufferers, but not others according to Dr. Gottman:
Another guy was feeling philosophical as he put the pieces together:
(Day 13) I'm flatlined - so no hardness, and no sexual interest in women. I once abstained while in college. It lasted 3 weeks. But I relapsed because I thought I was turning gay - since I had no sexual feeling toward the girls walking by. I thought, "why don't I feel like banging them?" I got worried. I also noticed that I had no libido. I then had a long bout with HOCD, which is now fading as I don't think about it. It's absolutely fascinating how our minds work, both for the good and the bad.
It soon becomes clear HOCD is not denial:
Remember one thing, it isn't denial! THAT was the hardest thing for me to understand. If you've liked girls, been with girls, and only thought about girls. It's always going to be that way. Now here's why OCD IS TRICKY. You're brain is in a weird place and your signals aren't firing off correctly. You have to accept that you might be gay. That sounds fucking insane, I know, but it's not. The longer you wait to do something about it the worse it gets. Believe me. Pick up that book and explain to your therapist what's happening. If they tell you you're probably gay, ask yourself if that's what you want. If not, find a therapist who knows about OCD. Also don't get a therapist who constantly reassures you. That's not helpful either. Where I'm at right now, it's not 100% gone but it's pretty damn close. I can actually focus on life.
Explain to your therapist what's happening. If they tell you you're probably gay, ask yourself if that's what you want. If not, find a therapist who knows about OCD. Also don't get a therapist who constantly reassures you. That's not helpful either. Where I'm at right now, it's not 100% gone but it's pretty damn close. I can actually focus on life.
HOCD is not repressed homosexuality:
It has been a while since I made mine last update. Situation is following:
HOCD definitely gone for quite some time now, it is clear that it wasn't a part of "coming out" process, it was just a psychological illness caused by porn withdrawal. I wont write anything else about it, because honestly I dot even want to think about that part of mine life that I could describe as hell itself, and I wouldn't be exaggerating.
Erections are back at 100% (except for a few days after watching porn)... Damn I remember those times when I was hitting the rock bottom of porn addiction, there wasn't a thing in the world that would give me an erection.
Here's a discussion between some other guys:
"A friend and I were talking about confusions of sexual orientation. He said, 'I've been having trouble figuring it out. I go on the Internet and I see something that makes me think I'm heterosexual; then I see something that makes me think I'm homosexual; but then I see something else that makes me think I'm heterosexual. I've come to the conclusion that I'm pornosexual!'"
[Another guy] Then I started thinking it's definitely not about orientation but about functionality. Finally, I started researching things, and then I luckily ended up here.
[Another guy] It's almost as though the producers know what they're doing trying to turn guys on to transexual porn. I read somewhere that a guy with PMO issues would only get turned on with gay porn. Now I never got to that stage, but once on holiday I tried one of those flic booths. A transexual scene came on (screen flicked random channels every few mins/secs) and although I never had that "I wanna be there feeling", it was beginning to get arousing...in a strange, curious way.
There was a c*ck, some t!ts, a woman's face, kissing, w*nking, bl*w jobs. It was like a strange collage of independent cues all whizzing around that didn't make sense entirely to me as I'm not that way inclined. But there was a weak underlying link between all the pertinent cues that was making it arousing. I assume the associations were making my mind think more (about sex) to try to work it out subconsciously, so my mind was getting a new high without me realising. I never watched the stuff again, but it's amazing how this stuff can affect you. I know some people, for example, even get to the extreme of bestiality, but surely they don't walk around thinking "Wow check out the udders on that cow!"..do they?" In short, excessive PMO is a real mindf*ck.
Much porn is mind manipulation that "creates" tastes, not an appeal to existing sexual tastes. Said one guy:
I've dealt with HOCD since I was 15. It first occurred after watching female pee/scat porn and then reading an article stating that this fetish was popular in the gay community. It became an obsession from that point forward...especially after starting to view tranny porn. I'm fairly confident that I would have never developed HOCD if it wasn't for Internet porn. I think the two are linked.
Here's a tip from one who struggles with this anxiety:
My HOCD has always controlled my porn-related activities. It used to follow a simple pattern:
1. See porn image/something arousing
2. HOCD starts up, makes me begin to worry
3. HOCD gets stronger, starts to make me doubt my sexual orientation
4. HOCD convinces me to prove to myself I'm not gay by viewing porn
5. I finish to the porn, HOCD vanishes and feel like an idiot for falling for it.
I followed these steps:
- Ignorance: Don't research anything on HOCD. Don't learn about it. Don't study other cases. LEAVE IT ALONE. I know some therapists suggest challenging the HOCD. That's probably a good thing to do, but when you're a porn addict who has HOCD as, shall we say a side-symptom of it, or an integral part of the addiction, you CAN'T "challenge the thoughts" because it makes them worse, and you relapse on porn eventually. To be quite honest, you won't have a cat-in-hell's chance of beating this while you're addicted to porn. For you, because you escalated to gay [or whatever] porn, "gay" is connected to your porn use, so "embracing" the spike like many therapists suggest probably isn't a good idea! At least until you've kicked the porn, and by then the HOCD will have faded a lot.
- Time allocation: Study when you are most likely to spike with anxiety about HOCD, for me it was during the evening (because that's when I usually went on a 5-hour porn binge, coincidence? I doubt it.). During that time, make sure you have something planned. Sit talking to a family member away from the computer, or call a friend or relative, go for a long walk/exercise, etc.
- Spiking: If you are starting to spike, you need to apply some safety measures immediately. "OCCUPY MODE" is my main safety measure. I put it in capitals because when I spike, I say "OCCUPY MODE" in my head and imagine a big neon sign with it written. I then do something - ANYTHING - that requires physical and mental energy. Like doing sit-ups while solving a math problems, even counting while lifting weights would work. Enter OCCUPY MODE for around fifteen minutes. In the back of your head, imagine the "OCCUPY MODE" sign and do whatever you have to do. After a while, the spike will be over.
Avoiding transexual porn and fantasies has completely obliterated my arousal for it. Like literally, I feel nothing for it anymore. I remember the "feelings" I got from it, but they just aren't there anymore. It's hard to believe that two years ago, I had gotten to a stage where the main thing that got me off was transexual porn, but now it's hard to put into words how the change has occurred. Arousal for real women has boosted to a level I'd forgotten due to years of viewing porn.
I've found the HOCD curbs at around 4 weeks for me. The end of week 2/start of week 3 is ALWAYS the hardest. I'm 110% convinced that HOCD+Porn addiction is one and the same. As you kick the porn, the HOCD isn't as strong because the pull of porn isn't as strong, and with time it will more than likely fade completely.
By the way, this isn't just a one way street. It isn't uncommon for gay men to develop straight or even lesbian porn fetishes. I've seen them all over the web on various porn addiction websites. I think that is probably even worse than our situation. For us it's a tiny, annoying worry that makes us doubt our sexual orientation. For a gay man, who has never fancied women, who has hid his true feelings from society, and then had the courage to come out to find that he may be attracted to women after all (!!!). Well, that's got to be downright horrible.
But the truth is, the guys in question aren't turning straight. They aren't *really* attracted to women. They're just in the same boat as we are, but in reverse.
Slowly healing
I had to deal with HOCD and am still dealing with it a little bit. It's something that you know isn't real but rather a stimulation from your brain because of random factors. The way I've learned to deal with it is either to ignore the thoughts, don't brood on them or try to analyze and justify and tell your self that your actually straight, just let them come and go. It's like if you would have a random thought of punching someone in the face, you wouldn't do it so just let the thought pass by. Another way is just make fun of it. Say you're with your friend and you randomly think of kissing him or something, just say to yourself, "Oh man I'm so gay I totally want to kiss my friend". Honestly, HOCD is something difficult I've had to deal with and made me look inside much more. I know I'm straight; ever since I started all I've thought about was the opposite sex. I'm positive it was just the over stimulation of porn that got to me. The farther in my reboot I go the more HOCD does not affect me at all, and when I am relaxed on days I don't even remember having it.
An experiment:
I drank too much one night and got the idea in my head that I needed to experiment with a trans to find out the truth about my sexuality/attraction. While still inebriated, I talked to one online and met up. I was somewhat aroused if I imagined trans porn, but the whole experience didn't feel right and I became disgusted. I couldn't go through with anything and had to eject.
After that occurred, I was around a few girls who were into me. I felt aroused and I enjoyed the entire experience of just flirting/talking with them. It felt right. So, while I shouldn't have needed any reinforcement, I think it further proves that the trans attraction is porn-derived and doesn't carry over well to real-life experiences. I should've known this from the last time I gave up porn and stopped feeling attraction to anything trans-related.
One man described his technique:
When you are going crazy with obsessive thoughts, find something to do that will lead to better thoughts. A walk in nature, or a puzzle, or something, art maybe. At first it feels like it is not working or is only distracting you from the thought, but it IS working. You will see over time, you are telling your brain to think of or do something else when these thoughts arise and it WILL sink in soon enough.
Think of it this way. Thoughts are a form of astral/etheric energy. Because they are made of energy anything you do with trying to fight them or change them only connects to them energetically and makes them stronger. Even your hate for them makes them stronger. Don't hate porn [and don't "test"], it will make any relapses you may have even harder.
General OCD:
Ever since I got heavy into porn, I've always noticed that I've had some minor symptoms of OCD. It was nothing serious, but if things weren't in a certain order around my room, it was hard for me to concentrate on my work. Now, it's like they've completely vanished. I'm still a generally organized person, but it's much lower on my list of priorities. I will get the important stuff out of the way, before I start organizing my shit.
Another guy:
Yep... although it's not quit OCD, my finger nail biting habit has vanished. I would compulsively chew them away, and they were always just a disgusting wasted nub at the end of my fingers.
Another guy:
It's the same with me too mate, when I'm away from porn and ain't binged or something they go away. I definitely see a correlation with PMOing and OCD. It developed from PMO addiction for me.
More helpful advice:
I'm going to end this by listing ways to help those of you who are affected by this:
- If you have looked at Shemale porn/gay porn/bi-sexual porn accept it. This sounds hard as fuck trust me, but once you do, it's easier to see if you truly like it or not. Maybe you had a curiosity? Or had been treated poorly by the opposite sex, or you just have an open mind and want to explore, but you must accept what you have done, even if it goes against yourself.
- No one, not a psychologist, not a friend, not a website, can tell you who you are. This is important to understand fully. Your brain will make things up to scare you, to try and keep you from doing anything in your life. Realize this is anxiety and not true logic.
- DO NOT listen to someone who says you should go try out gay things. This may be controversial but I don't care. If you have been straight your whole life, you will always be straight. There is no need to go through an identity crisis. It will only hinder you, and same with people who are truly gay, who want to try and be straight. You will end up hating your partners and it's not for for someone who is truly straight or truly gay.
- Stop looking for answers on the internet. What does this mean? Don't go to forums, don't look up HOCD, don't ask anyone who is gay or straight about it. Leave it alone. You only make it worse by seeking answers. Trust me, I was scared that I was going to change forever. I was scared that, "OMG IM GOING TO BECOME GAY." Then one day, I literally stopped giving a fuck. I stopped reading, I stopped thinking about it and guess what, my attraction for women came back in full force and I was able to come to this realization. Which brings me to my last point.
- Anxiety is a beast. It can, however be tamed. It will make you believe things that aren't true, but you have to realize that it's all fueled by you. YOU are the one who causes it. Situations might make it come out more but you are in control. Let me just put it to you like this: My homophobia is gone, back to the way I used to think. Yes, there are perverts in every group of people, doesn't mean everyone is a pervert. I am wildly attracted to women and always have been. Now what's left? My pornography addiction. That is the last thing left. My advice to anyone going through this, stop the porn. It helps. Don't believe what some expert says about sex, trust yourself. That's appealing to authority anyway which happens WAY often on reddit. Stay away from reddit too. Give yourself a chance to think and heal. It it is possible guys. No one could tell me I was gay at this point because I'd laugh my ass off. If anything, this made me so much stronger than I was before. Realize that OCD and other anxiety related illnesses are actually more helpful than anything else.
More observations by those who have (or had) HOCD:
This is why threads like these make me sad.
Just because someone, who after years found he is gay has to try and convince everybody that HOCD doesn't exist, people have to relapse to porn, who actually DO have HOCD.
Don't worry syndaren, fellow HOCD sufferer here. I have suffered from OCD for years now, and it has manifested in many forms also outside of the HOCD spectrum. About a year ago, i was highly confused and i had panic attacks and deep depression because i was so convinced gay porn made me gay. And now that i've started my journey to quit porn for good, i have totally lost all feelings towards gay porn. It does not interest me sexually anymore and in fact, i have not had a single thought about being gay since that year. Now tell me OP, how do i classify as secretly gay?
In my experience, there's a difference between people who know they are gay because they have known since their teens, and hide behind HOCD, and people who know they are straight, get confused by compulsive watching of porn and worry night and day that their reality is a lie. Which it obviously isn't.
Gary Wilson gave you a lot of information but you don't seem to be responding to that OP. I would take a little more advice from him since he knows his stuff, you just take assumptions without giving it good thought. Just because you turned out gay (i'm sure you've known this, even in the HOCD phase), doesn't mean HOCD doesn't exist.
I've lived in a pure NIGHTMARE because of HOCD, and many others have. I have been in therapy for this, and I'm the living proof it exists, and that it's completely possible to have shifting porn interests without matching the real will and nature to do so in real life. Please don't tell me what i am OP, people don't take kindly to that.
Porn binges for 4-6 hours the last couple days. On the plus side, it did become more obvious that the transexual porn is unrelated to my sexuality. After spending 30+ hours over the past 5 days watching porn, transexual porn started to become boring! I began searching for other more disgusting and shocking stuff.
I have HOCD, though it isn't as prominent as it used to be when I first started getting sober from porn months ago and it doesn't cripple or control me anymore. At times I've felt like I was gay, or I might be through some faulty reason or my feelings. I used to watch transsexual porn, and while I haven't seen a gay porno I have seen random screenshots and pictures when searching for porn. Also, my friends talk and act like they're gay every time we hang out, and I don't like it/it makes me uncomfortable.
I know that growing up I've always been attracted to girls. I love being around them, :) the way they smell, to just simply holding a girl in my arms. Hell I first started watching porn to see girls... well yeah I know that my feelings and reactions to me being gay aren't something that I enjoy, something that makes me happy, something that I pine for everyday.
It's the classic fear and anxiety of OCD that makes me doubt myself, in a vicious circle. Of being something I'm not. But as I said I haven't felt that in a while and the anxiety doesn't accompany the thoughts anymore.
I think it all has to do with the pathways in the brain formed from years of porn use and abuse. 9ish years for me. From what I understand, for everytime I've MO'd to a MF scene my brain has created, and then strengthened that pathway, making the things in it, like a handsome, naked dude a sexual cue to good times and your brain can't tell the difference. You've rewired your brain to something new. Sometimes at the gym I'll see either a good looking or muscular guy and it'll draw my attention and I'll feel compelled to look. I think that I now know what a women feels like when she says that she's aroused but not in a sexual way, if that makes sense.
It used to worry and scare me but now I don't let it bother me most of the time.
It happened while watching some basketball game, I thought "this player is one good looking guy" and them suddenly HOCD thoughts emerged (Am I gay, WTF, hell break loose). I couldnt forget it, and that night I had a first and only panic attack in my life. I even tested myself, I watched gay porn but I was disgusted. It took me some time (a couple of months) first to learn about this disorder and how to beat it. I "accepted" gay thoughts cause you cant choose sexual orentation and I stopped obsessing. Soon I met and fell in love with one great girl, had first sex and after that HOCD is ancient history for me. I am not gay, never was, but there is nothing wrong with being gay, nobody forces you to do anything, if it gives you pleasure then do it, if not then dont obsess! We humans can recognize beauty, no matter what gender.
I used to get turned on by anything remotely feminine when I was 13, but that steadily changed as I watched more and more porn. I started to get anxious about my sexuality because I knew I was straight based on history, but at the same time I could not physically respond to the old cues. Sometimes when I was especially relaxed or drunk, I would respond like how I did when I was younger. It was very confusing because I never had any homosexual fantasies or desires.
I never would have attributed this to porn/decreased dopamine sensitivity if I hadn't stumbled upon this site, so thank you! [My reboot] has completely eliminated any doubt because now my libido is almost too much to handle. Even women I would not normally glance at, I would definitely be able to have sex with them. More responsive to women, and responded to more by women.
28 year old male. 90 days, 86 days no orgasm. Edged twice, briefly viewed porn twice (unrelated to edging). Social anxiety, HOCD, and stress immensely diminished. Confidence up, energy up, relationships strengthened, and limitless flirtation with girls. AMA.
I haven't been struggling with HOCD long, and it's definitely too early to say I'm "cured", but these sites seemed to help me out quite a bit:
I had searched for HOCD before and found some other people posting about it, but their accounts didn't really seem to help. It was reassuring that I wasn't the only one suffering from it, but it did not make the attacks any less severe.
For whatever reason, those two sites helped me out. Since I've read them, I haven't really had any HOCD thoughts, although I do get a little anxious when I think to myself "Oh hey, I'm not thinking HOCD thoughts anymore." LOL
The second site basically recommends p/m/o abstinence as well, so I'm sure with time the HOCD will clear up completely. Cognitive techniques and exposure are typically how obsessive compulsive disorders are treated. This is no exception, EXCEPT do not expose yourself to pornography (duh). I think it gets weaker and weaker until it's completely gone.
(A year later, to another forum member) I had serious HOCD. It's gone now, though. "Women are sexy, men are plain." As you said, that, my friend, is the KEY point to all of this. Men wouldn't be plain if you were bisexual or gay. You would want to cuddle up with them on the sofa, caress their body and have romantic walks with them, IF you were bisexual or gay.
Do you think people who escalate to bestiality worry that they are secretly a goat lover? Do you think they worry that now because they escalated to beastiality all can do is date is goats or something? Of course they don't, and this form of escalation (from excessive porn use) is NO different.
Since starting NoFap I have gone from bi to hetero. Porn can progam your brain.
(Describing recovery at Day 23) I had insane dreams again. Some definitely pornographic. But I'm not even aroused by it. So now with porn not guiding my hetero orientation anymore, I need to realize it in real life. I'm pretty sure I know what it is, but my brain is sorting junk out.
If anyone has ever panned for gold (we did it at a tourist gold-mine place in the middle of the country last summer), you know you have to get rid of a lot of dirt and junk and fake stones to even get a speck of gold. That's how my brain feels right now. It's totally filtering all this crap out, and the process can get nasty at times.
Here's what worked for me: I imagine other totally improbable scenarios (such as murdering my mother or running out into the highway in high traffic) and realized that *they* had no potential for becoming sources of compulsive worry. That way, I showed myself that thoughts about HOCD didn't have to either. Try it. Think about killing yourself by running out in the middle of the highway. Take a minute and imagine it in detail. You now just had that thought. (Just as you have a gay thought.) You gonna walk around scared as shit that you'll kill yourself from now on? Nope. You won't. You'll probably never imagine the scenario again. Even if you do, you'll laugh at it. Same idea here.
Really, getting over HOCD is learning to not care. Anytime it starts to flare up, I imagine it as an annoying little dog. Maybe like a shih tzu, yapping away. The more attention you give it, the more it will yap. Gradually, it will lessen and lessen until it's very easy to ignore completely. Mine is at most times really under control now, but the libido flatline can really mess with me. It's the ultimate combo. I think once I get my libido back and build healthy sexual relationships with women, that will be when it gets truly eliminated.
[Age 22] I just want to mention how my pornography tastes have changed over the last few years. First it was very soft. Then lesbian porn did it for me, and then, a few years ago I stumbled into shemale pornography, and over time I realised I was turned on by this. Then it got worse, occasionally I would masturbate over gay pornography became more and more frequent. It turned me on but after it felt so wrong.
I know I'm straight, when I'm socialising, men is the last thing on my mind. I am very attracted to pretty girls, I notice them from a mile away, so this pornography has morphed my tastes to the extreme. I was confused whether or not I was bisexual, but now I look back and I realise I'm not bisexual, it's just that my brain has been re-wired by pornography. Then earlier this year I had erectile dysfunction. The girl was amazingly attractive and she was full on up for it. However it just didn't work! And then a few months ago it happened again, except this girl was even more attractive.
So I realised that something must be seriously wrong.
[A month into reboot] I had an awesome experience last night, I was at a party and made out with a girl at the end (she was not that pretty) and I had a massive erection pretty much instantly. I was like, "Oh my god," and it felt awesome.
I work as a software developer, spending many hours in front of my computer. This is why it's so easy for me to masturbate over pornography...but now I have been doing this I am tempted to give up computers all together. Facebook, BBC News, emails are all things that consume my time. I just want to meet girls!
Why have I spend the last 4 years of my life masturbating over porn and spending my time in front of a computer? I'm now going to focus on meeting new attractive girls, playing my favourite sport and keeping healthy.
HOCD is a BITCH. You have to understand that what you are feeling is related to the anxiety and not sexual orientation. I have had to deal with that shit during flatline and I know I am not gay. The bottom line is, if the HOCD feelings are disgusting to you and they make you feel anxious...they are lies and you are straight.
Worry and anxiety can cause the mind to play tricks on you. It took me some time to realize that when I experienced HOCD, the sensations were produced by the fear, not the actual presence of another dude.
You have to just ignore it. It is anxiety-related.
As you get better at ignoring it and going about your business, you will find that you will FORGET about it. It's important to realize that it is an OCD - its like you are standing on the edge of a cliff and your mind says jump.
You know you don't want to but you cant stop thinking about it. Trust in yourself and persevere. You and I both know that you don't want to have gay relations any more than you would want to jump off a cliff!
Luckily I never diverged into gay or tranny porn or I do not know where emotionally I would be right now. It was more like OCD when some dude would pop up on the TV, and my brain would be like, "Well since you can't get it up to girls, check that out." Of course I was never aroused by the male body but the anxiety it produced made it an addictive thought process in my head thus leading to a nasty bout of HOCD, which my porn-induced inability to perform fueled just splendidly. Was an awful time for me, but I found this site, stopped acknowledging those thoughts, stopped watching porn, and poof they literally disappeared.
I used to consider myself gay, but the more I watched I escalated to all types of porn, including lesbian porn. So you must be clean for a while to get a clear view on "what" you are. permalink
Don't feed your OCD. If you are trying to CONVINCE yourself of the truth through analysis or other people's opinion, you are playing the OCD game. You are what you say you are, period. If something disgusts you, it doesn't matter if it causes arousal or not, it is not your true taste. I say forget about questioning and get your mind off of it entirely.
If you are having pleasant heterosexual thoughts and HOCD rears its ugly head, I say at that moment stop fantasizing all together and put it away until a more healthy fantasy comes around. You don't have to fight OCD to win, all you have to do is be aware that it is a liar.
When I first began worrying about HOCD, it seemed like the intense worry almost felt like I was turned on sexually, when I was not aroused physically in the least, actually quite the opposite. I have done well ignoring my cues to check and double check, which at first caused more anxiety, but now I am beginning to worry a little less each day.
For over 6 years I went hard and deep into different and varied porn genres, I ended up fapping like crazy to shemale porn... To the point of starting to really like them ( especially Asian shemales) and i even thought of travelling to Thailand or Japan just to meet some lol. Never had any social interaction n with shemales though... But my desire for them escalated rapidly... And i felt bisexual at least. Anyway... After 3 or 4 months of nofap I kinda forgot about shemales and any other bisexual behaviour. And now... After 8 months pornfree.. I don't even think about shemales.. Heck I think my brain rewired itself to the point of only liking girls about my age (25 to 30).
My advice to other people out there: Even when things are going rough and your mind is assuring you that your turning gay, it's wrong. I had times where I didn't believe this reboot technique and was already having thoughts of suicide, but it works, honestly. If you give it time, not hours or a few days, over a long period of time you will get better, the longer you go the longer you will see yourself coming back to your old self. You will get better, it's just a matter of time. Even if you relapse and you spiral into depression, you have to find that inner force to get you through the darkness and remind you that it's all a matter of getting back on track.
I highly suggest meditation for people rebooting with HOCD. Go to a local meditation center and do an evening or a retreat. It is so healthy to watch your thoughts without reacting to them.
I had ED back when i was still watching porn, i was also watching gay and tranny porn (more tranny porn though) and bisexual porn. But now i do not have any problems with ED and i have an excellent relationship with my girlfriend. http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5914.msg91811#msg91811
Regular porn didn't do it anymore. I looked into all sorts of different women, different positions, different holes, it just didn't suffice anymore. Someone trolled me by sending a shemale porn video, and that did it. A woman that wasn't really a woman, the idea turned me on. This fetish stuck on me for many years (maybe five or six). It didn't go stale because I took pleasure in hunting for shemales that looked exactly like girls, with or without male genitalia. I knew it was hurting my sexuality, but I just continued. I pondered over whether or not I was gay, but I just didn't feel attracted to men as I did to women. Women are the most beautiful thing on earth and I was missing it.
After three months of nofap, if a girl so much as glances at my general direction it turns me on. Not only that, they feel like magnets to me. I'm extremely drawn to women and I want to interact and touch them. When I saw women before nofap, I would walk by thinking, "I don't care about you, bye". Today is the completely opposite, I'm drawn to most women in a primitive way. I absolutely love it. Porn doesn't exist for me anymore.
hocd: the biggest killer of libido.
I have finally discovered the cause of my lack of libido. The biggest impact that porn has had on me is the death of sexual desire. The strange thing is the fact that i have been missing my libido for the past ten years, since age 13. I was addicted to porn for only 3 months, until I quit cold turkey. Why, then, has my libido been absent for ten years after quiting porn? My theory was just masturbation. I assumed that a regular masturbation regimine has prevented my mind from getting the rest that it needs, thus keeinng my brain in an overstimulated state. But recently I have discovered that my lack of sexual desire stems from a much deeper problem. The real, silent killer of my libido is anxiety that came from hocd. The sexual obsesssion that comes from hocd produces anxiety, and it is this anxiety that suppresses the libido. The reason for this is simple. Sexual desire and arousal are linked to relaxation. Anxiety is diametrically opposed to sexual desire. Libido is impacted from the sympathetic nervous system. When anxiety is in your mind and body, it attacks your symathetic nervous system, thus disrupting and supressing the libido.
When I first read about this a few days ago, it was as though lightbulbs went off in my head. It was the ultimate "AHA" moment. Years of sexual obsession that did not reflect my true sexual orientation produced a false sense of arousal. The false arousal was really the "shock" that addicts experience when our use escalates into novel genres that do not refect our orientation. But this "shock" produced an anxiety, most of which I wasn't even aware of consciencely. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, this was the real culprit behind my lack of libido.
Ever since I made this discovery, it has made a lot change for me. Not knowing for sure what really happened to me has been the biggest source of obsession and anxiety. But now I have discovered exactly why I have been affected the way I have. And now that I have found the missing piece of the puzzle, I feel so much more at peace and confident with myself. My depression is effectively gone, I am happier, more relaxed, and more calm now than ever. Its even made a difference on my body. I have a relieved feeling in my lower neck/upper back area. I guess its my upper spine. This area feels like a load has been lifted off, and it has a soothing feeling...kinda like the feeling you have after you step out of a hot shower. I dont know if this is just my imagination, but I certainly feel a difference. I need to be careful not to confuse this with the sense of uphoria that addicts experiece after they make a life changing decision for change. But its been several days now, and I am still enjoying a deeper inner calm that I haven't had since childhood. This is all just because of figuring out what was wrong wih me. I has taken away the mistique and unknown about my condition. It has therefore given me hope. Its also made me realize how emotioally numb Ive been living for many years now.
If you have hocd, or any form of sexual obseession or anxiety, this needs to be your main focus. If you can find a way to deal with your anxiety, you absolutely must do so in order to make a full recovery. Abstaining from anxiety is just as important as abstaining from PMO.
"Chances are you are just anxious because you, like most others, were raised in a household where being attracted to females is the only OK option."
I don't even know if that's the problem, although I can imagine it would add to the anxiety. My environment and my parents have never made a problem about being gay, and neither have I. I always just knew I wasn't.
Until the constant PMO'ing got to me and I started to have doubts: HOCD. Even without the fear of your environment condemning you.. it's really scary to feel like some you never even doubted in your life just got turned around.
My PMO triggered OCD doesn't confine itself to my sexuality either. My theory is that this anxiety caused by OCD* clings on everything you identify with. For example, I have a strong personal identification with my line of work. I see myself as a hard working person. OCD made me doubt if I even liked my work anymore, the same way it made me doubt if I was into women. I identify as someone who is faithful and longs for a steady relationship. But my OCD caused me to believe I didn't love my girlfriend at the time.. although there was no reason to believe so. Now you might say: You may have just fallen out of love. I know how that feels, though. And this did not feel like that. ( I could go on with a couple more strong identifications I have, which OCD tried to fuck with )
If I honestly believed I was gay, I would have no problem telling my parents and sucking all the cock in the world. If I truly believed my line of work wasn't the work I was into.. I'd stop. But I knew I didn't really feel that way. Something was trying to fuck with my head, by attacking the identifications I most valued. ( Now there's something to be said about me having those strong identifications to roles and material things, but that's a totally different discussion )
When OCD rears his ugly face, what it does is it makes you doubt about those identifications or those things you usually took for granted ( like your heterosexuality ). The natural response is to test this. Most people do, and so did I. We start constantly thinking about whether we truly enjoy our work, or truly love our girlfriend, or are truly still attracted to women. Once we start to try to 'argue' and convince the intrusive thoughts OCD throws at us: OCD starts argueing back. The next time you see a girl, you're so anxious that you probably can't even think about being attracted. You don't feel anything, so you start doubting again.. "Oh boy, I didn't even feel that *zing* when I saw that pretty girl.. AM I really gay?". Once a guy walks by and you think he is attractive.. your axiety flares up again: "Shit, that guy was hot.. I can feel it in my body."
The problem is that you constantly start looking at girls to convince you that you are still hetero, and start looking at guys to convince yourself that you are not gay. Every female you don't find attractive worries you, and every male you think is handsome ( which is not a sign of being gay ) worries you just the same. Equally bad: Everytime you do see a girl that attracts you, instead of just thinking "Hey, that girl looks good". You think: "Jesus.. maybe I'm not gay!". Everytime you see an ugly guy you think "Now I'm not attracted to THAT guy! Would I suck his dick? Fuck no."
You are CONSTANTLY looking for affirmation that you are not gay and still attracted to women. So obviously you CAN'T relax and just be attracted to women. You are caught in a spiral of negative thoughts. It consumes your whole day. Imagine walking around your work all day long thinking "Do I enjoy this work? Do I really enjoy this work?". Chances are: you won't be enjoying your work.
These are my thoughts about HOCD and PMO related OCD, I hope they help. They assure me when my doubts flare up.. although it can still be really hard on me sometimes. (Only when I relapse, btw.)
OP. Stop looking at craigslist, stop looking at OKCupid, stop looking at dating sites, ads for gay meetups, ads for whatever. You are constantly testing your arousal, to see if gays and trannies still arouse you. Do you think that is ANY better than looking at porn? The arousal is still there. The dopamine is still there. The stimulation, the thrill.. is still there!
I would suggest you download the program ColdTurkey and put in craigslist and whatever site that makes you doubt your sexuality. EVERY FUCKING SITE THAT MAKES YOU DOUBT YOUR SEXUALITY.
Now. Go out. Take a walk, get some fresh air. Meet up with guys. ( Not in that way. ) Go have a drink ( go easy on alcohol, seriously ).
Try to see if staying away from all those websites helps you in anyway. Remember: Testing if you are still attracted to women by looking at tranny ads is very counterproductive. Give your mind at least 30 to 60 days to rest and I am sure you will see a difference.
You are not gay. You don't like trannies.
*I use OCD for a lack of a better word here. I don't believe I have fullblown OCD. Just the one related to PMO.
My hocd paranoia is gone. I noticed a week into nofap that my hocd thoughts were disappearing. That was one of the biggest reasons I haven't quit nofap since then. I'm now 6 days from 90 days, and won't stop even when I hit that mark. I'll keep going. Why? Because it literally is changing my life. How I view it: Now that I have more control over my sexuality, I will conquer my smaller addictions. In the end of the day, we are all going home. Good luck man and just know hocd WILL fade away. Nofap is something else. It's life changing for sure. http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2uw8q3/do_you_have_any_questions_...
I can relate to this. Tranny
I can relate to this. Tranny porn resulted in confusion and paranoia over my sexuality. I never felt any attraction to men as a child. When I first started looking at porn, it consisted of nothing but women for years. Anything masculine was a turn-off. I thought drag queens and such were disgusting.
But, the more I became desensitized to conventional porn, the stranger my fetishes became. I eventually discovered tranny porn and became obsessed with it. They were extremely feminine aside from the genitalia which was unlike any porn I saw before. I became obsessed with it despite feeling extremely ashamed and confused after watching it.
This, combined with delayed ejaculation with girls due to excessive porn, resulted in confusion and stress. Was I gay? I even went to the extent of experimenting with a transexual and realized that transexuals in porn are nothing like transexuals in reality. Despite this, the experience just caused more confusion and HOCD symptoms. I started wondering if I was just holding back to convince myself I was straight.
In reality, I know this all came about due to porn. If I never saw porn, I would be living a perfectly normal, straight life and I would probably be suffering from premature ejaculation around women. But, porn seems to completely screw up your mind. This is coming from someone non-religious who used to think people with an anti-porn agenda were nonsensical religious extremists.
"While you're obsessed with the Obsession itself,
you won't get better."
[One man's thoughts]
That's why I believe that the Reboot worked: It moves your attention go to "How far can I go?" in this rebooting process.
It's a challenge, and people like me, who are driven to self-control and self-testing, may find the idea pretty exciting. I was really happy when I reached the 1st month's achievement.
Also, focus on challenging myself about "How far can I go?" with the Reboot changed my mind's direction in several areas of self-improvement. Now I'm trying to focus on improving other subjects and skills: public speaking, health, writing a biography for my own use to increase my self-respect.
Tranny porn
I have been browsing the site for some time and finally got an account a few months ago. Finally, I had the courage to make my first post yesterday. I have been more consistent in my "rebooting" efforts and I have noticed several disturbing dreams in the early morning hours....some erotic, some terrifying.
I consider myself straight but many years ago experimented with the same sex. Actually, I think it was because I was just horny would have had sex with anything.
At any rate this morning I awoke obsessing over images of erect penises in my mind...I think a couple of days ago I browsed a site about embarrassing erections...erections in the wrong time/place. Not intended to be porn, more funny I guess. Later this afternoon, I had the opportunity to cruise my favorite page for about a half hour after having these images in my head all day...fortunately for me, I did not masturbate but I did chat with a couple of trannies and had there been more time, I would have moved to a state of arousal and acting out. I feel somewhat ashamed of myself, but I did get away in time.
The images this morning we "unwanted" from the standpoint of not looking for this to happen but I think there was a place where I enjoyed the obsession as well. I'm glad I haven't masturbated in about 4 or 5 days....and much less in the the previous two weeks. I can feel things improving because of the vivid dreams i'm having, but the whole experience so far is rather bizarre. I can't wait to have 90 days and a clearer head.
I relate to this in a big way!
I'm so glad I found this site, I truly am. I didn't really realize what was going on until I read this a few days ago. A bit about myself and my problem:
I'm 23 years old, and a recovering tranny-porn addict. Ever since I was 10 I've noticed girls in that special kind of way, even more so around age 13. I started watching heterosexual porn at age 14, but I wasn't addicted back then. I'd maybe watch some hetero porn a few times a month.
By age 16 I started watching porn a bit more, maybe only a few more times a month. By this point I discovered lesbian porn, which was great, because it really got me going! I had all kinds of categories of porn at my finger tips on a daily basis, I was like a kid at a candy store.
Fast forward to age 18. Lost my virginity a day after my 18th birthday to my girlfriend. I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and it didn't last too long, but it felt amazing! What a rush! But, a month later, my girlfriend breaks up with me. 18 year old me is devastated, because she was my first serious girlfriend, I really cared about her.
I became depressed, and used porn to cope. The regular stuff just wasn't cutting it anymore, so I started getting into all kinds of porn: Milf porn, fake incest porn, midget porn, fake rape porn, BBW porn, all kinds of stuff.
Then a few months later I came across a certain category of porn that didn't really interest me, that I thought was actually really weird, but decided to give it a try anyway: Shemale/Tranny porn.
Like before, the porn I was previously watching just wasn't working for me anymore. I needed something new, something more shocking/exciting to get me off, and this new tranny stuff did the job.
I've never once checked out a guy, I don't find men attractive at all, and I know I never will, but something about this tranny porn had a hold on me. I only enjoyed videos of the shemales being the bottom, and the regular guy being the top and dominating the shemales/trannies. Oh, and I've only enjoyed the very feminine-looking shemales/trannies.
Fast-forward 4 and a half years, age 22. Tranny porn is my main porn addiction, probably 96% of it. The other 4% being a mixture of Milf, BBW and hardcore hetero. I would masturbate at least 2-3 times a day (sometimes more), 7 days a week. I've had about 6 or 7 girlfriends over the 4 year span, only one was truly serious. Lots and lots of sex!
I was always thinking about women, checking out women, and the slightest touch from an attractive gal would get me going. Early on the sex was amazing, but towards the end of the 4 year span it wasn't quite as exciting. I'd get tired faster, I wouldn't be in the mood as much, but it was still alright. I'd get off sometimes. Porn was still very much a part of my life, even when I was in relationships and had a good sex life.
5 months ago I made the biggest mistake of my life. My cousin dragged me to this party one night. It was a really boring party, the people were boring and they didn't have any alcohol that I liked, so my mind started wandering and landed on tranny porn. It got me in the mood, so I left to go home and masturbate. I was so horny.
I was texting a gay friend of mine from work when I got home, just regular chit chat. I was actually asking him about my car engine, because I had a problem with it and he knew about that stuff more than I did. I was in no way attracted to him or anything like that, those thoughts never did cross my mind. I was wanting to find a girl to come over, but no luck. Then I tried to find a tranny online, but there's none in my area.
But, I was on this crazy tranny dopamine high, and I thought to myself: "Well, there's no trannies around these parts, so scratch that idea. He's gay and very feminine for a guy, and might be willing, and at this moment I'm horny and desperate. Haven't had sex in about a month. I've heard guys say "a hole is a hole", so if I just close my eyes then everything will be cool." ...boy was I wrong!
I texted him, told him to come over because I wanted to try sex with a guy. He came over, and we went to my room. He got naked and laid on my bed. I started to get undressed, but I decided to have a cig before proceeding any further, so I went to my bathroom to smoke. I stayed in there for about 20 minutes, just smoking and thinking. The whole situation felt very awkward. It felt very weird, and it felt very wrong. But this tranny dopamine high was still strong and it was taking over my thoughts.
So, I get naked, get into my bed, and we start fooling around. Then he gives me a bj, and then he lays down and I top him, then afterward I tell him to leave. What I learned immediately from my homosexual sex act: Kissing a dude is so damn gross, regardless of how feminine they are. Grabbing another dude's junk is weird. Getting a blow job from a dude is awkward and weird. Putting my penis in another dude was very weird. Overall, it just felt wrong, it didn't feel natural. It didn't feel amazing like it does with girls.
So, I kinda freak out about it a bit for the next two days, but then I come to the conclusion that: I was just really horny and extremely desperate, and that I experimented with a dude because of that and didn't enjoy it like I do with women, and that there's nothing wrong with that, many people experiment, but it just wasn't my thing. That put my mind at ease, I accepted it and moved on.
Fast-forward two months. I'm still masturbating to tranny porn everyday at this point. Had sex with an ex girlfriend, and it took me a lot longer to get hard, that had me concerned. I've had a streak of bad luck with women over the two month span. The first one ditched me on our first date and I never heard from her again, the second one was one of the biggest bitches I had ever met, the third was almost as bad as the second girl, and the fourth played me hardcore. The fourth girl told me all these great things about wanting to get to know me better, telling me how much of an awesome guy I was, that she wanted to go on dates with me, all this great stuff.
She was actually volunteering at my family's haunted house this October, that's how I met her. We make out a bunch the first few days, everything is going great, we text a lot at night, all that good stuff. Everything is great until one day I see her making out with another guy at the haunted house. I dunno, something just snapped when I saw that, I haven't been that mad in a long time. I confront her about it, which makes me even more mad, life sucked.
The next few weeks I just didn't care about anything. I started to become really depressed during the middle of October, like really depressed. I've dealt with depression before, but not like this. If you're like me, it seems that for some reason you start thinking about all the other stuff in life that has affected you in a negative way or that you didn't like while you're depressed, and that's exactly what I did. I became fixated on that night I had sex with that dude. "Oh my god, I had sex with a guy. I didn't enjoy it, and it was weird, but that still must mean that I'm gay!" I would think to myself, over and over again.
Turns out that I definitely developed HOCD during my depression. I would obsess over thoughts like that, all day and all night, even though I know that I'm straight. A week later I meet this girl, her name is Madeline. She wants to go on a date and hang out and such. At first I didn't want to, when I'm depressed I don't want to do much of anything. But then I was like: "Well, this is a good test to see if you're straight or not!" So I went on a date with her.
The date turned out pretty well. We got something to eat, watched a few movies with her friends, we cuddled and kissed and stuff, it was great. Two days later we have sex, and it was freakin' awesome! Granted, it took a bit more on her part to get me hard, that was unusual, but once I was hard everything was great. Everything about it turned me on! After the sex we got something to eat, cuddled, then she went to work. When I got back home I was so happy! I was like: "Yes! I just had amazing sex with a cute girl just like I used to, I can't believe I let this HOCD crap get to me!" Then 4 hours later I got that depressed feeling back, and HOCD decided to come along with it.
"I just had amazing sex with a gorgeous girl, but it took me longer than usual to get hard, so that must mean that I'm gay." That thought joined my previous HOCD thoughts, and I was back at square one. Madeline and I dated for another 3 weeks before breaking up. During that time we had sex about 3 times. It took a lot longer to get hard than ever before, and it really worried me. When I did get hard a few times, I was a bit horny, but overall I just wasn't into the sex that much, I just did it for her pleasure.
We break up because I find out that she's snorting pills and refuses to stop, and I didn't want to be around that. HOCD is still strong, and it's to the point where nothing gets me aroused unless it's tranny porn, which sucks. But then a few weeks later I'm starting to masturbate to some tranny porn, and I stop myself and think: "Justin, what the hell are you doing? Why are you letting this beat you? You gotta stop this, right now." Then I start to feel good about myself, and after weeks of getting off to nothing but tranny porn and not checking out women due to my depression, I look at some hetero porn, and I'm completely turned on! Everything about it is turning me on, I'm actually getting turned on by the women like I used to. I finish, and I'm feeling great. The next day I meet this girl, and we hit it off instantly. Like, I can't stop staring at her, and the whole night I just want to kiss her. We go back to her place, watch a few movies, just having a good time. Then when I'm hugging her before I leave, I bring her in close and I kiss her, and I got the biggest hard-on I've had in a long time. But I talked myself out of having it because I didn't want her to think that I'm a perv or anything, haha.
Then that following Monday, my HOCD comes back. Not as severe as other times, but it still sucks really bad. Me and my gal have been dating for about 3 weeks now. I haven't gotten a huge hard-on with her again yet, but I've got close to it a few times these past few weeks. I came across this site last week, and I really liked what people have to say about this site, so I stopped watching porn as of Monday of this week, and I'm planning on following through with this for as long as it takes so I can reboot and get back to normal so I can have a normal sex life again, so I can get frisky thoughts all the time when I check out women like before, so I can get turned on by the slightest touch of a girl I'm interested in like before, so I can get rid of my HOCD or at least reduce it to the smallest amount possible to where it doesn't bother me anymore, so I can put this all behind me and live my life the way I used to before porn came along.
So far I'm three days in, and surprisingly I don't think about tranny porn a lot. I mean, so far I still get a few urges, and my HOCD is still here even though I'm in a great relationship with an amazing gal who I'm starting to get more and more romantic feelings for, but I've got it all under control I think. I feel a little bit of a difference, a good difference, and it's only been 3 days, so I'm really excited to see where I'm at and how I'm feeling 4 months from now.
I don't care how long this reboot takes, I want to get back to normal and I'm excited about this process!
Noob to this :/
Hello. First of all Merry Christmas! Hope Santa brings all that you want :D. Second of all I was hoping you could help me, as there is only one reason why I have signed up to this website. I am not so sure where I would start a new blog etc, so if this is the wrong way I apologise. I think I am addicted to porn. Been straight all my life but for some strange reason lost the plot and started getting paranoid of being gay. HOCD as they say. This set the path for me to "test" myself with porn. Gay porn etc but it did nothing for me at the time because now I realise I was being stupid. But while testing myself I stumbled upon Transexual porn and from there it was all downhill. For some reason it was so erotic that orgasms would last for a very long time, very intense. Admitting I do enjoy it because of the thrill. But it has had complications with my life with women. No longer do I get excited or lust anymore and I have never been in love with a girl and I am now 27 and yearn to "hang the boots up" and find a woman to be with. You could say I would worry more about the loss of erections but it is the emotional side I worry more about. Its as though I am dead inside and never seem to fall for a girl. The porn has also escalated to me "hunting" down on websites to date a transexual to experience this and that is where I thought it has gone far enough. I decided to try a reboot at the end of November 2011 and was just short of a month when I relapsed today. I could of kicked ten colours of shite out of myself, but that would hurt and I would struggle to explain the bruises to people. Before today even though I was doing the reboot, I wasnt so sure if I was addicted because like most addicts on here, I would do porn for a day or twice a week but I would binge on the porn whereas most people are doing it everyday. They must have big arms! But the fact today I have watched and masturbated at least 5 times kinda hit the message home that this is no game I am playing. Also the fact I have relapsed once has been a blessing in disguise because I thought I could easily do it. How wrong was I. This is pretty much my last chance I would say to get control back into my life. I would love nothing more to love a girl and yearn for the girl who I know is waiting out there and to get my sex life back on track. I also see lads on here who struggle to get it up for women. I can get it up and have sex but the sex isnt as thrilling as the porn? It takes ages to orgasm whereas a girl thinks Im a love machine stud, fact is I just cant orgasm, but still hasnt done my rep too bad :D. But sex in general just isnt as thrilling. I would say the HOCD hasnt as much affect anymore because I kinda thought to myself if it happens it happens why worry if it makes you ill. Thats why I feel comfortable with the transexual porn. I even wonder if I would go through with it for real (quite possible at the moment). I am only attracted to really pretty transexuals aswell who can and would pass as women. Cant think of anything more to explain at the moment. But ending this I have two questions I would be grateful if you answered to. 1. Is it an addiction? as I said im not as frequent as other addicts only twice a week but binge in that time and I do admit I enjoy it and 2. The main question is does this porn affect your emotions to get close to a girl etc does it stop you from developing feelings for a girl because as I said its the thing I would like most. Anyway I hope to hear from you soon and a reply to this message would be fantastic. Im sure you receive alot of messages. But by the sounds of it what you are doing is fantastic work if people are really in control again. Merry Christmas :)
Freaking out
Im 17, I use this site to guide me through this problem, but I keep thinking that maybe I am just gay. As a kid i was introduced to porn at a young age and always wanted to be with a girl since a kid never thought about guys or that kinda stuff, when I used porn I would use it alot, start small but eventually get to 3-4 times a week of heterosexual porn and eventually I would get bored of that and I did tranny but more gay porn. I tried it once and was repulsed but something made me do it again cuz it was "out of the box" which turned me on. I dont like the kissing part or the body of a man I just like the anal part or the picture of a dick. Everytime I finished to gay porn I would feel depressed and ashamed of myself, I just did it over and over because it felt so good. In real life, I have had numerous occassions with girls and they all went relatively well, I had a girlfriend always got hard for her and stuff but never really ejaculated with a girl because it took so long and she would give up. I would still stay hard but I could never climax this started to freak me out. She didnt like oral so all I got was a handjob and it wasnt that great so that could be part of it but we tried sex and I was so excited got rock hard but I couldnt fit it in because she was tight and when I went to try it again I was soft and it wouldnt go back up, I tried to get it up again that day but it just wouldnt happen. I started to get thoughts that were telling me that I was gay, I would freak out start crying in my sleep just get terrified. I stopped looking at gay porn for a while because I thought that was my issue so I would only look at heterosexual porn, I could still finish but not as fast and it would take me longer to get aroused. I then found this site and am proud to say I have stopped looking at porn and masturbation for 13 days, its extremely difficult. I have these days where im super horny and all I picture is gay porn or a dick, is this supposed to be happening? I still get hard from thinking about girls but occasionally in this reboot process, I usually just get a little wiggle but thats about it. I am on a hockey team and there are showers and all the guys are naked so I see alot of dicks but I really dont get turned on by them, it makes me feel good that I dont, it makes me feel like its all in my head. But the thoughts sometimes are just so over barring. And I love girls, I love to flirt with them and when im talking to them I feel so good I feel attracted and I want to marry one I want to love one, thinking about kissing a guy is gross and thinking about marrying one is a turn off. But my head tries to convince me that I will end up kissing them and marrrying them, its so hard but can anyone tell me if they eventually go away? My biggest fear is that I will go through this process and either nothing will change or I lose my attraction to girls and become gay, it freaks me out to think that. Also I should add when i was really addicted to gay and tranny porn and doing it non stop I bought a dildo and would stick it up my butt to see what it feels like, it felt awful at first and painful but I became aroused by it and started doing it more often, but I hear that some straight guys do that. I havent done that for a while and I dont have an urge to do it, but when i think about it I get aroused. When I have a gay dream I dont picture a guys face or kissing them its just the dick i picture. I just want to know if it gets better? I know in real life i wont want to fuck some other guy its just in my head, its a fantasy really, but I want to have sex with a girl more than anything but I get scared because it doesnt turn me on that much as gay porn does. I just want it all to go away, if porn wasnt invented I would be thinking only girls, I have been so depressed and get scared everytime I hear the word gay being used or when I see a gay couple, it frightens me to think I could be there. But hopefully if I fight it I will be better. One last question, if I start fantasizing about a dick in the middle of a day, should i try and block the thought or would it be better to just let the thought pass until it has totally gone away? Thanks to whomever reads this and hopefully I can get some feedback.
RE: Freaking Out
Hi Man, I am still new to the site, but I can relate to your story in many ways when I was younger. Like most guys my first erotic encounter was with other guys, just masturbating together and the occasional BJ. It makes me so depressed to think I might be gay, when I learned what gay is. In a effort to "just close" the chapter in my life I got married to a very good woman, but I am still tormented by the fact that I am definitely turned on more by gay porn, for me I dislike anal play , but find BJ's co*ks and mutual masturbation a turn on. I have even went out and experimented (but didn't came out as gay) with other guys, dating, and doing casual sex with guys I don't even know, Not once I got an erection from a guy wanting to do it with me, and got nauseous at kissing and doing things I fantasize of doing in porn scenes, because even then I had a porn addiction, maybe I was fortunate even just for that stage of my life?
Since I am married I haven't being doing guys anymore for the last 4 years. I love to have guy friends that are straight and have learned that one have to make another guy friend as soon as you see you are getting too attached to one guy. The other part is that I have learned is that one have to embrace the attraction to other guys, even if you want to do some erotic thing with them, try to make friends with the guy. Embrace the fact that you have feelings for other guys. Do exclusive guy things like skinny-dipping, road-tripping, camping, wrestling and sharing naked time and space. I struggled with a runaway mind for very long, so I have bought myself a dirt bike and started making friends that ride with me. The cool thing about it is that it forces you to do and stop thinking, because if you START thinking of other sh*T you will fall! That actually opened my eyes to say to myself "what were you thinking he is like you", "he is OK", "I am OK" "We are OK". When you accept your male friends you start to build a relationship with yourself, as you are your own closest guy friend to you!
MEN NEED OTHER MEN TO GROW AND TAKE CARE THEIR OWN MASCULINITY, one cannot learn masculinity without this bonding, Yet porn and some other social factors are manipulating our minds so that we think of the need for male friends as something gay,,,,, WTF is up with that!
As we speak I have closed down my facebook account and are actively seeking out guys to befriend, as I believe one cannot be facebook buddies only, one need physical, mental and spiritual contact with other guys, without the sick pathology of gay porn, don't let the need to have close male friends fool you into believing you are gay. I don't have accepted that there are gay men, the same way I accepted myself and my own needs, and I don't want to change them, so why change the needs in others, although I find that I don't want to be good friends to them. You have the right to make friends with whomever you want and your choice should only be your own if it come to age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, interests , and whatever...
As much as I know about masculinity I have started rebooting today. I see this as a way of reclaiming my true self.
Masculinity is not simply inborn, it is earned and cultivated. It must be nourished and taken care of.
Are their not any stores or analyses of Bisexuals...
Going through a similar situation like this. I heard HOCD makes homosexuals think they're straight and heterosexuals think they're homosexual or bisexual. Do bisexuals have HOCD to the point where they think they are either hetero or homo? I'm asking because I'm going through this...
Well I've gotten to the point where I've exclusively been watching gay porn for awhile, though I've watched both, I've GP is what I usually watched before I've been experiencing this problem. I'm only scared because I've feared of being completely gay AND completely straight
A 20-year old forum member said
Don't expect YEARS of PMOing multiple times a day to be cured in just a couple of months. I had to learn that the hard way. I just think we are to fixated on rebooting accounts of people on YBOP who needed only a short amount of time to reboot.
Honestly, I've been on this no P, with a few instances here and there, for about 190 days, and I am still noticing improvements every day. For one, I don't flatline anymore for two weeks after I MO anymore. If anything I'm back to normal the following day. My moods have just stabilized. I can masturbate to orgasm multiple times in a week and not feel mildly depressed anymore. I just get really weak as if I have a lot of weights on my shoulders.
I also am just naturally all around aggressive and have a superman-like aura all around now. Before, one lil orgasm would send me straight to a more passive-like presence.
I don't even think about tranny porn at all anymore, and I was glued to that shit hard for almost 2 yrs. Even gay porn/gay thoughts are pretty much a thing of the past now. But I'm not homophobic or anything like that; I can tolerate gays.
Can also have strong erections with females, although I can't really keep them for more than a minute, nor can I have sex with condoms. But this is already a blessing, because last year the most I could do was a 50% erection, which couldn't have even been used for penetration. Lots of improvements, and in another 6 months I hope for many more, especially being able to have successful sex with condoms, cuz I already can without.
The difference sexual orientation and synthetic sexual tastes
Hi, i have a couple questions about this. Say a Straight guy added sexual tastes for other dudes somehow, would he actual be able to enjoy having sex with men or would he be disgusted while also being aroused? Where does emotions, love, and enjoyment of sex play into this? And would it be real sexual arousal? Please answer these questions with the best of your knowlege, thank you.
HOCD worse after quitting porn?
So I've been addicted since i was 11. Last year after escalating to more and more genres, I had a brief stint with tranny/gay and it obviously freaked me out. But somehow I managed to get over it. But I never stopped watching lesbian/straight porn. Now that I'm 13 days clean, the HOCD is worse than its ever been? Any insights would be appreciated
I'll start off by saying that by nature, i'm an extremist and pretty obsessive about things. I have an entire world that no one knows about, which is filled with fetishes, obsessions, and abnormal behaviors. Psychologically, my upbringing was fairly normal, although I was not too close with my father and had mostly girls as friends in primary school. I was not very masculine; as time progressed, I started communicating with more and more males and eventually was a normal guy in high school. I was a normal kid, although quite introverted. I was a late bloomer; I started masturbating in high school, but then everything changed and went haywire when I did. I initially started watching straight porn, and everything was fine. Then bam, I clicked on a link for gay porn, and ever since I had been hooked in a disgusting and vicious cycle for many years. Whenever I see a cyclist with spandex shorts or a buff guy in under armour, sexual fantasies start brewing and I become horny. I could never imagine myself romantically or emotionally involved with a man, but homoerotic porn was just how I wired my brain from the beginning. This behavior was really addictive and compulsive, and it became an addiction, more and more. It was becoming a more and more intense sexual addiction with negative after-effects, as after ejaculating, I would feel very empty and revolted with my thoughts. I haven't masturbated or looked at porn for a couple weeks now, and feel much better, but then intense urges sometimes plague me. I have classic HOCD symptoms, but I took it to the extreme when several years ago during a porn/gay video-chatting binge I decided to put up an ad on craigslist, and ultimately ended up having sex with a man. It was a very confusing and strange encounter for me, since I was fulfilling my fetishes; in that regard it was very satisfying in terms of curiosity, and it did feel good. In terms of reality, it was just porn x1000, since the only thing I could think about was comparing my experience with that of what I had been seeing in porn. I got myself in very deep, and definitely rewired many circuits. Having abstained for this time has already had me noticing tremendous decreases in these fetish-lust thoughts, although they occasionally return. When they return, I convince myself I am gay, have very high levels of anxiety, and just twist my mind. Other times, I feel completely normal, attracted to women, imagine myself with a woman, etc. Writing this post is very anxiety-driven, but I reckon I really just want to know that if I continue abstaining from sexual thoughts and from masturbation... I will be rid of these compulsions and behaviors. The novelty and secrecy of the 'gayness' is what keeps me going... convincing myself I am gay or not gay provides great rushes that feeds my anxiety. In the pits of my addiction, I could masturbate many times a day, feel very drained and empty, and not know the direction in which my life is going. When I don't have these thoughts, everything is fine and I'm productive. How do I end this? What's wrong with me? Why did this happen?
My story.
I think I am suffering from the porn induced HOCD as it's portrayed here. I can't get aroused by straight porn but I can get off with means other then gay porn. However, when I'm in public my mind will still go crazy with the gay thoughts, I don't know what's up. I'm not attracted to guys at all nor do I get aroused by them (unless it is in porn) but I still rarely watched gay porn yet I worry I'm gay. I rarely watched transsexual or gay porn yet I still got HOCD from all that porn. I can still get off to animated porn and gay porn right now but whenever I'm outside of porn I'll constantly be aruging with my brain over gay thoughts that aren't mine or looking at the face of a guy in public for even a second, and thinking he's 'cute' (thats the word my mind uses) It doesn't even happen with only one public guy. It happens with almost every one I see.
It's annoying to be constantly aruging with my brain like this even when I know I'm straight
Thankgod for reading some of these stories and finding this site,the
last year has been hell.
I am 40 years of age and have been masturbating as long as I know, prob since the age of 13. Through the early years porn, women and sex dominated my life, oh and a bit of Football :-). I have never had any trouble with the ladies and went from one to the other in a kind of addiction, without ever feeling the need to settle or have emotional sex. As the years went on I discovered Internet porn through pics etc then as high speed internet came into play I found free porn sites. I was around 28-30 at this time. I still carried on having relationships but nothing serious. When I first run into issues with ED, I just believed I was not attracted to the girl and moved on or I was too scared emotionally to get involved, I turned to porn more and more as comfort as I had no issues getting hard here. I would then meet a girl and everything was fine for a while and then after a few months ED would kick in and the cycle start over again. My porn use became daily sometimes 2,3 and 4 times a day (if hungover) it was an easy escape. The porn was mainly lesbian and a bit of straight porn. Over the last few years I spent more and more time looking for the ultimate scene to get my kicks and wandered into She-male by accident. All the she-males would look very female apart from one certain area, I only looked at this sporadically but this then led onto to bi-sexual 3 somes and then ultimately some gay porn. Now I have never ever looked at a guy in my life, or thought about a guy like that in any shape or form. I could never ever kiss a guy or become emotionally involved under any circumstances, this is not denial this is simply how in my mind I feel. I love women and when I am out and not thinking in any shape or form I automatically look at women. I have then discovered HOCD and Porn addiction through reading and trying to work things out. What has brought me here is I have met a lovely girl that I can finally admit I want to spend time with. I met her 8 months ago and everything was fine, I was using a bit of viagra from the beginning as my very pathetic erection needed boosting. The month was fine, lustful etc but then the old demons kicked in, I knew I could not keep using Viagra and I became irritable cos I could not just be normal with her. I tried cutting out Porn but this made me irritable and the HOCD issues got bigger. I then told her about Porn addiction and she has been amazing. I explained it is me not her and I have no sexual desires whatsoever. I am now Porn free for 57 days and I am all over the place, tired, irritable, frustrated, sad. I feel useless I lay next to a lovely girl and have no urge for nothing, this then drives the HOCD issues as I think I must be gay. In my heart I no I am not as I still never ever look at a guy or feel that way.In my 57 days I have not watched Porn but I have masturbated prob about 10 times. These are very weak and my mind is just fuzzy and blurred thinking of nothing in particular. I do not want to lose my girlfriend and she is being amazing. Someone please tell me when I will be normal again and the desires I had as a 17-20year old be back when just the sight of a sexy woman or the touch gives me a 100% erection...I feel better in the knowledge I am not alone...Any responses would be greatly appreciated...
Thankgod for reading some of these stories and finding this site,the
last year has been hell.
I am 40 years of age and have been masturbating as long as I know, prob since the age of 13. Through the early years porn, women and sex dominated my life, oh and a bit of Football :-). I have never had any trouble with the ladies and went from one to the other in a kind of addiction, without ever feeling the need to settle or have emotional sex. As the years went on I discovered Internet porn through pics etc then as high speed internet came into play I found free porn sites. I was around 28-30 at this time. I still carried on having relationships but nothing serious. When I first run into issues with ED, I just believed I was not attracted to the girl and moved on or I was too scared emotionally to get involved, I turned to porn more and more as comfort as I had no issues getting hard here. I would then meet a girl and everything was fine for a while and then after a few months ED would kick in and the cycle start over again. My porn use became daily sometimes 2,3 and 4 times a day (if hungover) it was an easy escape. The porn was mainly lesbian and a bit of straight porn. Over the last few years I spent more and more time looking for the ultimate scene to get my kicks and wandered into She-male by accident. All the she-males would look very female apart from one certain area, I only looked at this sporadically but this then led onto to bi-sexual 3 somes and then ultimately some gay porn. Now I have never ever looked at a guy in my life, or thought about a guy like that in any shape or form. I could never ever kiss a guy or become emotionally involved under any circumstances, this is not denial this is simply how in my mind I feel. I love women and when I am out and not thinking in any shape or form I automatically look at women. I have then discovered HOCD and Porn addiction through reading and trying to work things out. What has brought me here is I have met a lovely girl that I can finally admit I want to spend time with. I met her 8 months ago and everything was fine, I was using a bit of viagra from the beginning as my very pathetic erection needed boosting. The month was fine, lustful etc but then the old demons kicked in, I knew I could not keep using Viagra and I became irritable cos I could not just be normal with her. I tried cutting out Porn but this made me irritable and the HOCD issues got bigger. I then told her about Porn addiction and she has been amazing. I explained it is me not her and I have no sexual desires whatsoever. I am now Porn free for 57 days and I am all over the place, tired, irritable, frustrated, sad. I feel useless I lay next to a lovely girl and have no urge for nothing, this then drives the HOCD issues as I think I must be gay. In my heart I no I am not as I still never ever look at a guy or feel that way.In my 57 days I have not watched Porn but I have masturbated prob about 10 times. These are very weak and my mind is just fuzzy and blurred thinking of nothing in particular. I do not want to lose my girlfriend and she is being amazing. Someone please tell me when I will be normal again and the desires I had as a 17-20year old be back when just the sight of a sexy woman or the touch gives me a 100% erection...I feel better in the knowledge I am not alone...Any responses would be greatly appreciated...
Brain Plasticity in Teenagers
Hi, new to commenting here but been reading and following since November 2014, when I developed HOCD as a result of Porn addiction for two years. Anyway, saw this article about a book on teenage brains, which support the idea of neuroplasticity. Hope you find it interesting. HOCD symptoms now not so severe, and going through NoFap really does help. I'm now turned on by women again after 51 days, and starting to feel better mentally and emotionally. Thanks to Gary Wilson for providing a safe haven of information for guys like me who have lots of questions and feel that they don't have anywhere to turn. The book and the site stopped me from going crazy. Thankyou.
Brain Plasticity in Teenagers
I have to say I agree with you. The fact that she completely leaves out sexuality and sexual development in teenagers is pretty shocking to be honest. I was mainly giving the link because it is the first time I've personally seen neuroplasticity mentioned in the mainstream media, though maybe that's due to lack of wide enough reading? I'm also very surprised like you that she didn't highlight the dangers of high-speed internet porn, given the effects it can have, especially with vulnerable teenage brains. I know from my experience that porn can affect everyone differently, at different times, rates, depths etc. I really think that unlimited exposure to high-speed internet porn for teenagers is storing up one hell of a social problem, which we won't know the effects of until it's too late, when those addicted to porn have premature ED, objectify women, and maybe even lose the sense of who they really are. It's a pity that it's taken so long to even begin to recognise there is a problem with high-speed internet porn addiction, with much of the scientific community denying porn addiction even exists. The biggest problem I can see if for those who have no sexual experience outside porn, because what they think of as sex is not sex, but pixels on a screen in their bedrooms etc. Teens don't stand a chance, and it makes me angry and upset, because I was there and am only starting to realise in depth what it did to me.
Thanks, and I agree
I cannot imagine what it will do for social cohesion when the teens who have watched internet porn their whole adolescence become adults. They will have had no chance to form a proper and natural view and feeling for women, and will behave towards them in a way that will be incompatible to the way our current society works. I can see a perfect storm of internet porn addled adults who cannot sustain or event get a relationship, because of how they treat women. This then means they become angry and depressed, because they don't understand the situation, which will cause widespread social unhappiness and unrest, with lots of frustrated young guys around who cannot see what's wrong with them, and take it out on the world as guys often do. I also expect higher suicide/self-harm rates, as guys become more and more unfulfilled and depressed, because nothing seems new, exciting or pleasurable anymore, not even sex, which is not as good as porn. They then see nothing to live, and decide to end it. This may all seem a little extreme and outlandish, but I can see problems like this on the not to distant horizon, and it is very worrying. I'm just grateful that I stopped when I did, and didn't go on for too long, given the effect high-speed internet porn had on me in two years. Imagine what it would have done to me over 5, 10, 15 years of exposure? I dread to think, and see myself as having fallen over the cliff but having managed to grab a branch on the way down, and start to climb slowly back up again.
Interesting Website
Found this website link on NoFap. Makes for some very interesting and very sobering reading.
I have strong ocd since i'm 15 years old (im 18 now), but when it was getting better i got hocd and after compulsive testing thoughts of having sex with other men i had an erection and i masturbated. Since then i couldn't stop masturbating to that type of thoughts . If i stop masturbation, it will get better over time? Or i will have bigger and bigger cravings of homosexual stuff? How can I solve this? I don't even need porn to get aroused . I just need having fear of a determinate homosexual thought and i can masturbate with it.
Yes but
I dont even need porn, It's all in my mind, and I cant stop it because of the ansiety it causes me. Sexual tastes are mutable, but how do you know sexual orientation is too? I have heard of exceptions(real sexual attraction change)So,what is my problem? I'm conditioned by my own Ansiety? The worst part is that I have a really bad form of OCD and It was getting a lot better.
Thanks but
I did the wrong question, how do you know sexual orientation is not mutable? And if is not mutable at what age do you think sexual orientation is determined? I have loved woman since I was 11 years old. All my adolescence was about them . But then this happened. I'm not conditioned by porn, just by my own mind I think.
Yeah I have read it
And I felt better for a long time but I Could never stop masturbation With This kinds of thoughts , my body feels relieved when i do it , but I was determined to to to stop it , even if i had to take meds, but a few days ago I read that some people really Have Changed Their orientation and Because of That the compulsive checking and the worries started again . I ' m sorry to be so annoying but I have other types of OCD , and Being suggestible and in this world That Thinks That we are all bisexual ( haha ) is not a good combination .
I've read that some tastes could be 'irreversible' is it possible in a case like this? I've been fapping to this fantasies for less than a year, more than fantasies they are "agressive thoughts" that pop up in my head and I can't do anything just masturbate with them, when my HOCD was getting better they became less stimulating
Review of Doidge's New Book
Here is a review of Norman Doidge's new book on neuroplasticity. The reviewer seems pretty sniffy about the whole idea, and seems to have deeply ingrained prejudices against the whole idea. However, the physicist Michio Kaku mentions neuroplasticity in his book about life to 2100, so there must be something. Personally, I've found that I've been getting better since giving porn up nearly 70 days ago. My HOCD has calmed down a bit, but I still feel spikes sometimes. Anyway, it would be interesting to hear your thoughts on the book and review.
Review of Doidg'es New Book
Oh crap, I'm really sorry. Here it is>
Really helped
This article really helped me out a lot. I had no idea that this is how the HOCD and my brain really works and that most of the things that have happened to me are just normal symptoms of it. Getting therapy for myself though isn't really an option but I feel I should be able to kick the habit of PMOing and the thoughts that HOCD brings on my own after a while.
Interesting Article on the Teenage Brain
Here's a link to an interesting article about the new developments in the study of the teenage brain. Some interesting points.
Here's another article about
Here's another article about the effects of porn on the young adult brain, and the need for action now, especially for young guys:
And another one about porn addiction, with links to the programmes Porn On The Brain and Tyler Takes On Porn: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/11455312/My-addiction-to-po...
Finally the message is being put out in the mainstream press, and amongst feminists that porn addiction is a real problem, and that the addicts are "normal" people who aren't sex criminals who would want to act out their porn fantasies if they hadn't been so exposed for so long from such a young age. Gary Wilson, please contact Martin Daubey, I think you two could really make a difference.
Am stright but lately I been watching trand
Am 30 years old I have been with few girls I had a cuple of long relastionships but since I was 15 I been exposed to porn I was addected the whole time even when I was with a partner I had hard time keeping an eraction for the last for years I have not had any sex but I been watching trans a lot now am at my day 6 no porn feel much better dispite the stress and the low lapido