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I'm so shaky today. It's raining/snowing really hard, and wind is blowing so hard it sounds like thunder. Okay, this is probably why I'm shaky. Loud noises that I can't predict mess me up. I didn't sleep at all last night. I lay in bed and listened to Evanescence, The Open Door on repeat for 3 hours. I love every LP by Evanescence, and they get better with every release. But something about The Open Door really reaches me.
I don't have the words to explain it. I just know that sometimes, I have to listen to it in a pitch black room with my best (Grado) headphones on full volume. I don't dance to it. I stim to it. My cat lays across my lap as I rock back and forth to the music. Slowly, the tension I didn't realize I was holding loosens. I stop clenching my jaw. And tears start to fall. The tears that I held in all day as I forced myself to exist in this world. I cry because I miss my family members who have passed. My parents, my brother, and my little sister. I know I'm capable of surviving without them, but it's hard sometimes.
I miss having people in my world who I could trust to care about my existence without my having to do anything for them, or give anything to them, or be anything other than who I am. I miss being protective of my little sister, and doing anything I could to make sure she was safe and happy. I never realized how important that was to me before she died. It was when I could assert the fact that I was 13 months older than her, and felt a deep sense of responsibility for her. In so many other ways, she was the big sister. She was my opposite. She was so outgoing, comfortable to the point of being flirtatious with strangers, loud, and flamboyant.
When I was in fifth grade and she was in fourth, she saw me standing in a corner of the school building facing the wall during recess. I was crying, because the teacher I had that year hated me, and I was aware of it. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her my teacher hates me. She marched into the building, dragging me by my hand behind her, and went into my classroom. She went up to my teacher, and told her off, loudly. I was shocked. I froze. Heather told my teacher that she had to like me because I was her student. She said it like it was a well known law. She was furious, and threatened to tell our mom if she didn't start liking me.
My teacher just stared at us. I can't imagine what she was thinking. We went back outside until recess was over. I remember thinking that Heather was going to get in trouble. She didn't. We never talked about it until the next year when she got the same teacher. She pre-hated her on my behalf, and I loved her for it. Elementary school was the closest thing to torture that I've ever experienced. I didn't have any skills to cope with it at the time, and it still to this day can cause me to wake up in tears from a nightmare.
I hate how things that happened in the past can still haunt my present. I hate that they haunt my sleep, when I'm most vulnerable. I've been practicing lucid dreaming, but I'm not yet to the point where I can completely prevent nightmares. I've had some success though. I'm absolutely getting more sleep. That makes a big difference, especially when working. I think I need to figure out a way to stop working on coding projects before they are completed, and continue the next day. It's good to be able to complete them so much faster than my peers, but I think it's taking a toll on me. Marathon coding sessions broken up by Twitter flyby's and bathroom breaks are taking their toll on me.
I've always struggled with not having a natural off switch. I'll continue doing a task until my body demands I stop, I'm interrupted, or it's completed. I've completed 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles in one sitting on more occasions than I'd like to admit. My cat has gotten really good at interrupting me. I hate to say that it was probably necessary for her survival. I get so focused on what I'm doing that I ignore everything else. She'll jump up on my desk and lay across my arms while meowing loudly. I always go through a quick second of rage at the interruption, and then I look down at her, and she's so beautiful and sweet that it dissipates immediately. I pick her up and cuddle her while I get her the treat she wanted, or refill her water dishes.
In the morning at around 4:30-5:00, she'll literally lead me to the kitchen to fill her food bowl. I have poor coordination when I first wake up, but I manage to follow her down the hall to the kitchen. I give her a scoop of dry food and a spoonful of wet food. It's funny, because she'll stand in front of her food container, then her bowl, then the fridge, then her bowl, then she starts eating. She purrs loudly while she does this which is so cute. After she eats, she goes back to bed until afternoon. She starts by getting under the blanket on my bed. Then when I make the bed, she gets into her cat bed underneath my bed.
She's slightly better at keeping track of time than I am. I suspect it's because of her metabolism. I've had her for 3 years now. I'm worried about moving her to Denver. She's only ridden in a car when I brought her home initially. Her veterinarian is down the street, and it's easier to put her in the soft carrier and walk there than cope with her crying in the car. I don't know if it would be better to take my time and drive her there in increments, or to fly and just get it over with. Either way, she's going to cry, I just know it.
I know I should be practicing with her in the car, but there's no way I'm going to do something that I know will upset her just to get her used to being upset. I think I'm going to get my nephew to drive us while I hold her. If we divide the drive into 2 days, I think she'd manage. I could put a litter in my trunk and lower one seat so she had access to it. I'll do some research and see what others have done when it's closer to that time. If she doesn't go, I don't go. It's not negotiable.
Things have changed yet again with plans. I lost a friend who was going to occupy one of the units in the building with her family. At first, I was upset about it. But now, I can see that it's for the best. It wasn't a good idea in the first place. Once I recognized that, I've been able to muster a little excitement for the future. I'm mostly excited that I'll have a home that is tailored to me and my needs. I won't be as independent, but that doesn't bother me. I'd rather have help from someone who understands, than struggle all the time. I'm so tired of struggling.
I'm going to take a vacation from work effective immediately. I'm not going to let this state of overwhelmed sadness spiral into anything worse. I'm going to take this time to do the things that make me feel joy. I'm going to go back to making music and art. I'm going to create things purely for the sake of creating. I'm going to express feelings I don't know how to put into words in order to release them into the universe and outside of myself. I'm going to banish mean people from my world. I'm going to stop forcing myself to pass as a neurotypical person. I'm autistic. It's not something I'm willing to suffocate in an effort to make others feel more comfortable any longer. I'm done with that.
I've learned an important lesson in the last few months. Just because another person is autistic, doesn't mean they are a good person. Or that I should go out of my way to be kind to them, when it's not reciprocated. Or go out of my way to support them, when they ignore me. I don't deserve to be pushed aside. I don't deserve to be treated unkindly. I don't deserve to be disregarded and ignored. I don't owe anyone anything. I will no longer tolerate it from anyone. It's wrong to treat a human being as if they are an annoyance, or invisible. I don't do this to people, and I won't allow others to do it to me, and remain in my life. Being disabled is not a free pass to treat other people like shit.
I was taught to respect everyone, and treat everyone just as I would like to be treated. Well, I tried that, and I'm rejecting it. From now on, I'm going to continue to treat people well, but I'm also going to observe how they treat me back. If they mistreat me, I will cease to acknowledge their existence. I'm done being nice to assholes. Life is too long to put up with bullshit. Life is too short to pretend it doesn't hurt when someone mistreats me. Life is too real to live it without fighting for my right to experience joy. I don't show it, but I'm a fighter to my core. I will fight for my rights with a fierceness that will make my enemies flee in terror. I've been fighting to exist for my entire life, and I'm really fucking good at it.


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Quick Reference
Brown material formed by heating carbohydrates in the presence of acid or alkali; also known as burnt sugar. It can be manufactured from various sugars, starches, and starch hydrolysates and is used as a flavour and colour in a wide variety of foods.
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subset: commoncrawl


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GRANBY, Mo. | Newton County authorities say a 19-year-old Granby man died after being shot in the head in a hunting accident.
Newton County Sheriff Ken Copeland says Steven Cox was shot while he and two other men were trying to poach deer northeast of Granby Sunday night.
KZRG reports that the sheriff says one of the men indicated that he heard a noise that he thought was a deer and fired a shot, which hit Cox. An autopsy is scheduled for Tuesday.
Copeland did say the results of the investigation would be forwarded to the Newton County prosecutor's office.
Granby is 25 miles southeast of Joplin.


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Well I have missed a few days….
So McIssac asked me to mess on the 6th, it was really cute. CI Boose told me I had to meet him in Couttes Common that evening because he had to evaluate me on teaching a private lesson. So I went… well in the middle of teaching my class I hear singing behind me….
"Bardsley won't you go… Bardsley won't you go…. Oh Bardsley won't you go to mess with him…"
It was the Mill. Band CI's singing a barbershop quartet! McIssac stood behind them till they were done. I loved it because it was so original!
Mess was on the 9th, after the parade in Penticton. We got back late… so we only had 20 minutes to get ready…. Which made a lot of the BRAVO and School of Music female staff very angry, but we made it in time… and I must say I looked very good for only having 20 minutes to get ready!
Mess went great! Dinner was good, not the best but better than mess hall food, and the dinner didn't take too long. We had a really long dance, over 3 hours long, which was much better than last year's dance… which was 15 minutes barely!
Sunday was Drum Head Service, which went a lot quicker than I remembered it. It was cold that morning so I was freezing… I was also starting to feel anemic… which isn't good. After the service I took my sister out to lunch and went home for a little bit. It was very relaxing!
Monday was pretty boring….
Yesterday was a bad day…. I was sick in the morning, feeling very cold and exhausted because of my anemia. Well CI Boose sent me back to base to rest, so I slept most of the day…. After dinner was a sunset practice, then after that I was supposed to have barracks duty but Casy covered for me because the School of Music went out for our "end of summer dinner". Just before we left though I got a nosebleed and add that on top of already feeling dizzy and sick because of my anemia and I nearly fainted a few times while getting ready. But the dinner went ok otherwise. We got back at like 11 and I went and took over for Casy.
This morning I was supposed to play for the company parades but I fainted this morning while getting ready. All I remember the trying to do my hair then I was on the ground with people calling my name and holding my head up. So I went to the MIR and they put me on bed rest but they let me come back to my barracks and take care of myself.
I just finished watching "Across the Universe" which is the most amazing movie ever! Wall maybe not ever, but it's really good.
On another note…. I go home in 3 days! I'm sad I have to leave, but happy at the same time. Can't wait to sleep in and have internet again…. But will miss everyone very much….
Saturday, August 16, 2008
VACSTC STAFF 2008 – August 13th
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Posted by White~Hexe at 9:03 PM
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section B lot 20
marriage Champaign Co OH 28-Jan-1872 Luther Beck to Dedama Kite
Luther birth 24-Nov-1842 death 1-Dec-1923;death notice-Urbana Daily Citizen 3-Dec-1923 pg 11;death notice-Democrat Urbana 7-Dec-1923 pg 11;death notice-Democrat Urbana 2-Dec-1923 pg 5
Didma birth 5-Oct-1841 death 29-Jun-1913
Ohio death cert for Didma has her birth year as 1840 cemetery monument scribed 1841
Didma-death notice-Champaign Democrat 1-Jul-1913 pg 1;obit-Champaign Democrat 4-Jul-1913 pg 1
Contributed on 2/12/16 by gapeachprtnerz
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Record #: 223075
On this site you can upload gravestone photos, locate ancestors and perform genealogy research. If you have a relative buried in Ohio, we encourage you to upload a digital image using our Submit a Photo page. Contributing to this genealogy archive helps family historians and genealogy researchers locate their relatives and complete their family tree.
Submitted: 2/12/16 • Approved: 2/12/16 • Last Updated: 2/15/16 • R223075-G223074-S3


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Shimla: The Himachal Pradesh government is under attack for an ultra-luxury housing project here that opposition parties say is being carried out in complete violation of environmental and land laws.
The main opposition party Congress has already demanded scrapping of the project in Kanlog, Shimla. It has alleged that the upcoming cottages are located in a thick forest area and the builder has felled dozens of trees overnight - something the builder denies.
Now the Communist Party of India-Marxist (CPI-M) has alleged the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) government is showing favouritism towards Bemloe Development and Infrastructure Company which is setting up the luxury cottages.
"We will continue to stage protests at the site since the project is illegal. It has not only violated environmental laws but also land transfer laws," CPI-M state secretariat member Tikender Singh Panwar told reporters.
CPI-M has also alleged that Bemloe Development was a proxy for Delhi-based real estate giant DLF.
A large number of CPI-M activists reached the project site Sunday and stalled work for several hours.
A spokesperson for Bemloe Development said no tree has been felled and the company has started construction work after taking necessary permission from the government.
Last week the controversy generated heat, with Mayor Madhu Sood accusing civic Commissioner A.N. Sharma of issuing a no-objection certificate (NOC) to the company in a day`s time.
"The NOC to purchase 6,650 sq m land in the heart of the town for building 24 cottages is in itself a violation. The builder has even axed dozens of trees to ensure a road up to the housing complex," Sood, who is backed by the Congress, told reporters.
She took reporters to the project site to highlight the plight of residents who will be affected by the project.
State Congress president Kaul Singh said since Shimla is facing a water shortage, besides traffic chaos, such projects would only add to the woes of the people. "The party would even start direct action to stall the work," he said.
Union Minister of Micro, Small and Medium Enterprises Virbhadra Singh, who was in Shimla last month, alleged that top state political functionaries were involved in illegal property transactions and were promoting realtors.


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Long Distance Valentine's Day: A Rollercoaster Of Feelings
I'm writing this to tell you guys the truth about long distance relationships and how to make them work. This has been my experience and actual feelings. Stuff's about to get real.
But first, let me tell you a bit about my experience so far.
I've been together with my boyfriend for about five and a half years now and we are still perfectly happy.
When I left in September to study in Japan for a year, we didn't think our relationship would be such a big issue. He had already studied abroad for a semester the year before, so we've already been apart for a long period. But still, a semester is nothing compared to a whole year.
The first two months were probably harder on him than they were on me. Because I was discovering a whole new country and culture, was making new friends every day, was feeling excited for a new school semester to start, I think I just didn't have time to miss him that much. Of course I missed him, but compared to him, he was back home having to hear about all my new adventures, he missed me and was sad that he couldn't have been there.
The third month, things were getting harder. I got to experience a lot of cool new stuff but I was getting really sad that he wasn't there with me. Yep, weeping yourself to sleep does actually happen. To be honest, I haven't cried since I came Tokyo, but then, when you start getting used to everything around you, you start getting a bit home sick and missing the people you love.
The end of December he was finally here! We were both so immensely happy. Like a brand-new couple. But we had to get used to each other again. We went from a Skype call every day to actually live with each other for two weeks 24/7. It wasn't easy, but eventually we made it work and we were over the moon in love again.
When he had to leave again, I thought I'd never get over this heart-breaking feeling. I had to live with the fact that I wasn't going to see him again for more than six months! It seemed impossible to me because we were so happy for these past two weeks. I definitely felt depressed for a good week. I even looked up plane tickets to fly back home. But I eventually got over it, also thanks to the support of some amazing friends I made here. We still talk every day, and soon, we fell back into the old routine. We are in an amazing place now.
The way we stay connected now is, in my opinion, the best way to make a long distance relationship work.
Because of the time difference (8 hours) we really do have to organise our days to stay in contact. For example, I'm an early bird and he's a night owl, so he stays up very late and I wake up really early so we can chat or Skype. We talk about anything really. Just like we used to if we would be in the same country. We send each other links we might think they'd like, funny videos, pictures of our meals, photos of us with friends. We just try to keep each other updated and involved as much as possible and tell each other everything, even if it seems small or stupid.
Now, Valentine's Day is coming up. I'll be surrounded by lovey-dovey couples doing a lot of fun, romantic stuff and I'll just be here alone… So how can we make this work?
We decided to keep everything as normal as possible. We started thinking what we would usually do on Valentine's Day. These are possible scenario's we came up with for this year.
1. Gifts
Even if you're so far from each other, a mindful gift will always be appreciated. My boyfriend is really into gaming, so I might send him one of the latest video games that came out in Japan. He knows that I love to read, so he might order me a book that he thinks I might like. TIP: I know this sounds less romantic than sending each other pretty gifts through mail, but order it off Amazon (or some other website that delivers) and let it go straight to their home. You'll save a lot of money and it's less of a hassle.
2. Good food
Me and my boyfriend love eating out, whether it's a burger place or a fancy Italian restaurant. Back at home, we used to have this one Mexican restaurant we both LOVE. So maybe it might be funny if we each went to a Mexican restaurant and send each other pictures of the food, talk on the phone/skype while you're there. It might seem silly, but at least you're silly together (cheesyyyyyy, but who cares, right?).
3. Encourage each other to go out!
There is absolutely no need to spend Valentine's Day alone! Encourage each other to go out with single friends! Or have a fun night in with movies and homemade snacks and a ton of chocolate. If you're in a good place in your relationship, you want each other to be happy. There is no need to sit at home sulking alone.
I know this post seems depressing but let's look at it in a positive light. Long distance is more than possible and can be amazing for both parties. You get to tell each other about all your new experiences and you can see each other grow as a person. It's just a lot of hard work and A LOT of emotions.
I hope everybody has an amazing and super fun Valentine's Day!


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A French player of the popular hit action Multiplayer First-Person Shooter, Counter-Strike, has been spending the last six months plotting a revenge attack in real life against another player who obviously humiliated him in an in-game knife fight, and won the match.
The French player's name is Julien Barreaux, and he is twenty years old. Julien has been killed by another player, Mikhael, at a knife fight in Counter-Strike. He spent six months afterwards, plotting an attack and tracking Mikhael down in the real world, because he was obviously enraged because of the loss, and saw it as"Blight against his talents" of playing the game.
When Julien Barreaux found Mikhael, he knocked on his door and stabbed him right into the chest with a kitchen knife after he opened the door. Julien missed Mikhael's heart by an inch.
A local police officer told the courts that Barreaux was arrested within the hour and told them he had wanted to see his rival wiped out for killing him in Counter-Strike.
Barreaux has been locked for two years on a charge of causing grievous bodily harm. The judge who locked him up says of Julien that he is a menace to society, and that he is frankly terrified of the disproportionate reaction that he could have if someone looked at him the wrong way while walking on the street.
Source: KOTAKU


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At this point, it is useful to see to what extent you are aligned with your current work environment.
Is your work meeting your ego needs? Is your work feeding your soul?
Are you able to bring your personal values to work (values alignment)?
Do you think your organisation is on the right track (mission alignment)?
What needs to change for you to feel more fulfilled in your job?
If you want answers to these questions then you need to carry out a an Invdivual Values Assessment.
Chapter 10: Internal Cohesion
© Barrett Values Centre 2018. All Rights Reserved. Website Design by Integritive.


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jesus christ, that's amazing.
Fallout 4: New Vegas aims to recreate Obsidian Entertainment's Fallout: New Vegas in Fallout 4's Creation Engine, with all of the original quests, story and content, with additional gameplay elements and systems from the new and improved engine!
jesus christ, that's amazing.
Awesome picture
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