text:
One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
That's Lasciviousness
There comes a time in everyone's life when sides must be chosen and lines must be drawn in the sand. The languid life of teeter-toterring hither and thither has to come to an end and either you fight for Sparta or you fight for Troy. Or, maybe, you throw a baby bottle hurling tantrum and you end up siding with Gymboree instead. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? All I know is that at some point lasciviousness will rear her wanton head and crush the world of "almosts" and "littles" right before our very eyes. No more little lies (try telling that to Fleetwood Mac), no more almost highs (try telling that to Mary Jane), and no more half caf half way loyal dawdling. A lie is a lie, a bong is a bong, and either you take your coffee full caf or decaf. It's all or nothing, baby. We've got ourselves a war to fight and you sissy middle-of-the-roaders better get out of the way or start digging your own graves. This is a battle to the death. I'm not exactly sure what it is we're fighting for, but to hear Young Brandon tell it, it sounds ominous and Old Testament-y. It could be for the sanctity of our souls or simply for the right to get "JUEVOS RANCHEROS" tattooed wherever we want. Either one sounds like a good cause to me. Viva Zapata! Let's recap, shall we?
After a brutal Tribal Council where his undercover massage queen was all of a sudden voted out, Curly Sea God Ozzy is angry, my friends. His lips are thin, his hair is kinky, his manhood whimpers, and, I don't know how, but he's found a binky to carry around with him. Ozzy isn't spitting mad. He's not trashing the joint or anything. Instead he's doing his, "Well, I guess I know who my real friends are" side eyeroll thing that people do when they're angry yet also want everyone to see them as a victim. With one foot in the sand spelling, "I MISS MY HANDJOBS", Ozzy announces that he is now a free agent. Henceforth, he'll be playing only for himself and all you lovekillers can go ahead and play for yourselves. The scene is very dark and the faces observing are clouded in mystery and fear. One little country girl speaks up and says, "I dawn't undastaind why u tekkin this so person'ly." Whitney assures Ozzy that none of this was an attack on him which is kind of funny because getting rid of Chickenhawk (Elyse) was exactly an attack on Ozzy.
Ozzy clutches his blankie and tells them that withholding info from him is clearly a sign of attack. Out of nowhere Dawn chirps, "Oh give me a break Ozzy! You withhold shit from us all the time." I may have paraphrased that a little bit, but that's not important. What's important is that Dawn sees through the shiny pretty hunter/gatherer Ozzy Of The People image he's so desperately trying to portray. Ozzy is playing with his own agenda just like everyone else is. So while Energizer Bunny (Keith) is hiding in a corner hoping the badness goes away and that Ozzy doesn't hold a grudge against him, kick ass Dawn confronts the situation head on and stops pretending that shitpies are gumdrops. What do you supposed Ozzy's response to Dawn was? "Well, I got the Idol. How 'bout that?!", he spits. The rest of his tribe sits open-mouthed. Cochran checks his ears to see if he heard him right while Keith buries his head in the sand and waits for the next morning.
The next day at Savannah (Savai'i) we find the sun shining and a gentle breeze blowing, but there's an ugliness now. A waft of stinky betrayal hangs thick over the camp. While Ozzy is off pouting underwater trying to find a mermaid to love, the rest of the tribe is ashore shaking their heads over what a baby Ozzy is. Dawn wants to put Ozzy in a time out and demand an apology. Whitney & Keith appear more worried about themselves than anything else while Mary Jane (Jim) sits with his dead-eyed toothy grin and begins to count his million. Mary Jane is thrilled that the plan he didn't really architect has spiraled out of control and has sent Ozzy to the funny farm. Cochran too is excited. Well, as excited as a bespectacled guy in a sweater vest can get. Excitement to Cochran is defined as "not anxious". Sometimes, for brief fleeting moments, Cochran feels the veil of anxiety lift and he gets to take a good look around at what the world looks like to someone who's not chronically neurotic. The glimpses are quick. Like a blink of an eye. They don't stick around long and they don't make empty promises they can't keep, but they remind Cochran that there is always something to work towards. And isn't that what life is about? Bettering yourself, working towards a goal, stickin' it to the jocks who never invited you once to their frat party. I think that and collecting a bunch of figurines mint-in-box is what propels Cochran towards a future he can be proud of. His past may have been less than perfect, but sitting on this beach right now watching Ozzy fingerpaint boobies and legs. This is perfection.
Back at Impala (Upolu) Lil Hantz has taken it upon himself to go searching for the Hidden Immunity Idol Clue. With that pesky Merge around the corner, he'd rather be safe than sorry. Besides, he's a Hantz! He can do this. He can sniff an idol out of the ass of a 19 year old's firm young backside if need be. *sniff sniff* Well, looky here. That's a clue! Young Brandon finds it fairly quickly and then scampers off to show it to Albie (I'm ditching Welch's - It's too confusing with the apostrophe) and Coach. "Being a Hantz pays off," he says as he removes the clue from the buff around his neck. It got stuck at one point and his MADRE tattoo actually looked like it said DRE for a split second. For that one brief hiccup in time, Brandon actually looked tough. Of course the PINATA tattoo underneath it takes away any and all credibility.
So Brandon has the clue. Coach and Albie give him high fives and in a condescending tone say, "Look at you!" "Look at you" is the go to phrase when little kids say "Watch me do this!" and then they kick spastically in the air and expect you to applaud. That's all Brandon is - a child who kicks like a spaz. With karate chops and jaunty jumps, Brandon searches high and low for the Idol while Coach cheers him on from the shore. The more he watches Brandon move and walk like a bulldog, the more those visions of Survivor yesteryear flash before his eyes. All Coach can see is Russell - evil, devilish Russell - and it scares him to death. Loyalty and integrity may be strong tenets of the dragon slayer code of ethics, but are they so sacrosanct as to blithely apply and protect any random TACO-tattooer? Coach isn't so sure, but he'll sleep with one eye open from here on out. You can count on that.
This brings us to Rhode Island (Redemption Island). Ozzy & Keith are there representing Savannah while Rancher (man of few words) Rick & Sophie are there representing Impala. The gladiators are marched in and immediately Ozzy begins making obscene finger gestures to Chickenhawk (Elyse). Maybe he can get a quick handy by osmosis? Dimples ignores Ozzy's lewd tongue movements and turns his attention to Christine Wayne Gacy. Her stringy hair is pulled back, that muumuu she's been wearing looks like it doubles as both a bed and toilet paper, and , most importantly, the spirit has gone out of her eyes. She's a matted rub of what she used to be. Just sort of a blurb of a person we once knew perhaps. Dimples asks her about her life on Rhode Island and she collapses into an uncharacteristic pile of tears. It just goes to show you - no matter how tough you might think you are, that tiny Rhode Island where all the people talk funny can kick your ass. I think the Pretty Pony lasted a good long while before he sniffled puffy beauteous tears that tasted like strawberries. This Christine Allen Coe isn't nearly as magical as my Pretty Pony was. I seriously doubt she can fly over rainbows like he could.
Alright so for this week's duel we're going to pretend we're in an old folk's home and you two harpies are going to play Shuffleboard. Really Survivor? Shuffleboard? That's the best you can come up with? It's very rare that I bitch about Survivor challenges - mostly because they're elaborate and difficult - but these Rhode Island challenges SUCK. It's like game night at the neighbor's house. Bean bag tossing, pssh! Pole balancing, tosh! Give me a challenge where there's some anxiety, some tension, some PAIN. This week is like air hockey at the arcade. Ugh. Whatever.
So yeah the goal is to knock off the other person's pucks before they can knock off yours. Whish, whish, kerplunk! CHRISTINE BIGGS DAWSON stays alive!!! Ozzy whimpers to himself as ChickenHawk waves sadly and walks away. Her stay in the game was brief and her contributions were nil, but, oh, what she could do with her mouth! Conversely, Christine Hyde Pierce gathers up her belongings and very maturely flicks off her tribe as she begins the trek back to her sad little shelter where she'll have sand fleas and rotten sea cucumbers for dinner. Yum!
On the way back to Impala, Rancher Rick has a hesitance to his mosey. He didn't care for the fact that Christine Shay Smith was so angry and unreasonable at the duel. A cowgirl would never treat a cowboy in such a rude manner. A cowgirl would nod and curtsy. That's the only polite thing to do. Her willingness to flout the laws of cowboy decency leads him to only one rational conclusion: if she ever makes it back into the game, she'll kill him and everyone else in their tribe. Sophie nods in agreement and they both know that if Christine Harvey Oswald reenters the game she's go on a firing spree after everyone left at Impala. Seriously, any security people associated with the production of Survivor need to make sure that their weapons haven't been stolen or tampered with. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if Christine Paige Kent has a glock in her hoo-ha and she's just waiting for the appropriate time to use it.
While there's not much anyone can do right now to thwart off an imminent attack from Christine Bean Cobain, there is something Edna can do to make herself a little more useful and necessary. Since she's not the strongest of women and is but a mere wisp of a girl, she'll contribute to camp life much in the way Cochran likes to contribute to camp life. She'll carry twigs and thimbles full of water while pretending to be in a great hurry to tackle her list of chores. Coach appreciates her willingness to dive right in and help and can often be heard shouting, "Edna, I love you!" through the trees. It's a sweet friendship they have and I do think it's sincere. Remember Edna was the only one human enough to offer to help Coach back on day one. The rest of those selfish bastards left him in the dust. If there's one person on this tribe that Coach can 100% count on for support and loyalty, it's Edna. It's just so unfortunate that she gets lost in a bag of marshmallows and weighs no more than a paperclip!
Over at Savannah, Ozzy has done some soul searching and he's just now realizing that he made a huge mistake when he lost his marbles last night after tribal council. The day he spent all alone is weighing it's toll on him and now he wants to rekindle some of those friendships he destroyed. More importantly, he really wants someone to fan him with a giant palm leaf and feed him grapes like they used to. Energizer Bunny is cool with letting Ozzy back in. I mean, yeah, whatever. That's the Bunny's reaction to everything, "Yeah, whatever." I'll bet he learned that from Ozzy.
Ozzy makes the long embarrassing walk back to his tribe and peering through matted curls, he apologizes for his behavior and says all he wants is unity. Dawn runs over the refrigerator and sticks a gold star right next to Ozzy's name. Tonight he'll be able to play monopoly with the rest of the family instead of having to sit in the corner of the living room with a dunce hate on. Mary Jane, however, isn't so bedazzled by Ozzy's sincerity. He knows Ozzy came to the hard realization that when you alienate everyone you ever had on your side, you end up alone. Cold, miserable, and alone. Mary Jane can also look at the practical side of things. With Ozzy back in the fold, he can help them win challenges until the Merge. And then once at the Merge, Ozzy will have a huge target on his back. What more could Mary Jane ask for?! (weed)
And now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, teams will race to assemble a wheelbarrow. They will then push the wheelbarrow through a series of obstacles stopping along the way to collect two loads of coconuts. After dumping the coconuts into a trough, the remaining tribe members will then take apart the wheelbarrow and turn it into a sling shot. They'll use the slingshot to fire coconuts at targets. First tribe to knock down all their targets wins Immunity and Reward to the Sliding Rocks. Impala will sit out that toothpick Edna. Survivors ready, go!
Both tribes quickly get to work on assembling their wheelbarrows and both finish at exactly the same time. Brandon and Rancher Rick take off for Impala while Dawn steers Ozzy over to the carpool line at the local school. Impala reaches their coconuts and after Dawn drops the kids off at band practice, Savannah too gets their coconuts. Impala quickly makes their way to the second coconut drop while Dawn is busy fighting with the girl at the register over whether or not she doubled her coupons.
The Impalas successfully dump their nuts in the trough and now it's time for Coach, Mikayla, and Albie to get to work on making that slingshot. The mechanism is pieced together in seconds and Albie immediately begins shooting the targets. Meanwhile, Cochran has his fingers and sweater vest all tangled up in the coconut knots. Ozzy elbows him away and unties the knot himself. It should have been smooth sailing from there, but Special K was on sale and Dawn kept throwing more and more boxes into the wheelbarrow. It was when she threw those 3 for $4 Vitamin Waters in that Ozzy had to take her club card away and put her on a grocery hiatus. The Savannah's somehow manage to make it to their trough, but Cochran's limbs and freckles and things kept getting into the way of the wheelbarrow and those coconuts were like a taxiing airplane. Nothing was coming or going. Everything was just at a standstill. Again, Ozzy had to swoop in and man this plane himself. Finally, they get their nuts in the basket and begin assembling their slingshot.
Both teams are now firing off coconuts and things should be going swimmingly only Mikayla refuses to shoot with two hands and she ends up shooting coconuts all the way to Fiji. Coach tells her to back off. Even Dimples tells her the one hand thing isn't working. Mikayla is in a bra and panty world of her own because she doesn't give a shit what the rest of her tribe is advising her to do. The Impalas quickly lose their lead and, to make matters worse, it turns out that in addition to being a professional poker player and a drug dealer, Mary Jane also excels at slingshotting. If slingshot was an olympic sport, this dude would have the gold medal. There was no beating Mary Jane - especially since that dummy Mikayla kept shooting with her pinky finger. In the end... SAVANNAH WINS IMMUNITY AND REWARD!!!
The Savannahs are immediately whisked away to a very familiar waterfall. Seriously, have I been here before? Have we been here before? I distinctly remember another collection of dirty people hanging out at this same locale. As my memory is about as accurate as someone with advanced Alzheimer's that's as good of an image as I'm able to come up with. Anyhow, the Savannah's are beside themselves. Despite the kerfluffle with Ozzy and his tantrum, it's all love and hugs and kisses. No Ozzy, Dawn will not rub you!
Ozzy makes a cliff dive into a shallow pool of water while Dawn stands on the sidelines and shouts, "You better get your helmet on, young man!" She flitted back and forth spreading sunscreen on everyone and making sure there were enough bologna sandwiches in the basket. "Did you wait 30 minutes before you went swimming Mary Jane?!" Mary Jane rolled his eyes then did a cannonball that soaked the soccer mom. Meanwhile, Cochran paced and went over the pros and cons of playing in the waterfall. He's neither emotionally nor physically capable of swimming with others in the water. Emotionally, he needs his valium. Physically, what if his sweater vest gets caught on a rock? It's just safer of Cochran enjoys the merriment from a safe distance.
Back at Impala the mood is somber and the big question is, who goes home: Mikayla or Edna? As far as Coach is concerned, it's Mikayla. She refused to follow orders and refused to be coached during the challenge. That sort of defiance and attitude is best left off the field and in a penalty box somewhere. On the other hand, Edna will do anything Coach asks - whether that's walking on his back or helping him with his luggage. Personally, I'm leaning towards Coach on this one. I can't get that taste out of my mouth from when Mikayla refused to stand up to Brandon and then later burbled her way through a Tribal Council. I have no use for that! Besides, there's no drama with her. Brandon will quickly find another sin to wrestle with and I can have a field day with that when it happens. For now, Mikayla is just an extra body.
Big strong buff Albie does not agree with my logic as Albie is all about strength and power over loyalty and trust. Albie tells Mikayla that they definitely need to get rid of Edna and if anyone can convince Coach of that, he can. Meanwhile, Mikayla wanders off to sit on a rock and say that Edna is twice her age. What planet is Mikayla from? The one where women wear panties and play football? Edna is only in her 30's! Mikayla makes her sound like she's 75. Whatever. Mikayla piecing together a sentence is like a normal person gnawing on a side of beef. There's a whole lot of masticating going on.
So Albie whisks Rancher Rick and Sophie into the woods and tells them that the scrawny feather sprite Edna will do them no good in challenges down the road. How do you know Albie? Maybe there's a a competition where you have to slither through a narrow opening or live off of a kernel of corn for 2 weeks. You never know what Survivor will throw your way. Sure, Edna is annoying, but I want her around for Coach and at least she has a personality. Every time I look at Mikayla I see corkboard or maybe a cardboard box. There's nothing there for me to mold, nothing for me to play with. With teeny tiny subatomic Edna I get to imagine worlds where watermelons are mountains and bowls of soup are gigantic rivers of boiling yumminess. Can't you just see Edna floating on a tiny carrot in a bowl of chicken soup? I can. She's Honey I Shrunk The Kids come to life! We love Edna!
Albie seems to have succeeded with Sophie and Rancher Rick - despite my cries of "She can use a buf-puf for a bed!" - and now he's moved onto young Brandon. To my surprise, Brandon actually dislikes Edna a great deal. The look on her face is what bugs him the most. How rude! Dude, she's Asian. Get over it. But despite her looks and her arms the size of rice, Brandon made a pledge with God to keep Edna and he intends on honoring that pledge. Brandon you sick son of a bitch. Thank goodness I'm actually agreeing with your convoluted logic this time around. Is there anything I can get you Brandon? I can see by your calf tattoo that you're a fan of SALSA. Would you like some fresh salsa? Let me get you some.
Albie then turns his sights on Coach. This is his one last hurdle to jump over. If he succeeds, Mikayla will stay. Before Albie can even say a word, Coach shush's him and takes all the blame for losing the last challenge. Albie raises an eyebrow and wonders what the hell Coach is talking about. To hear Coach tell it, it's his fault because he couldn't COACH Mikayla. She's UnCOACHable. No matter what he said to her during the challenge, she kept ignoring him. No offense, but a Coach can't have someone unCOACHable on his team. That would be crazy talk. Edna, on the other hand, will shine his shoes or wipe Ozzy's ass if he asks her to. She's COACHable She deserves to stay. *throws hands in air* Makes sense to me!
Now that Coach knows what Albie has been up to, he's forced to go talk to Rancher Rick and make his "Keep pixie Edna" plea. Rancher Rick adjusts his cowboy hat, sticks his hands in his pockets, and chews on a piece of straw while he mulls over the choices before him. And wouldn't you know it? Tonight's entire vote rests in the hands of this mute cowboy. Oy vey. Can't we send him home instead? I only have so many cowboy stereotypes in my repertoire.
This brings us to Tribal Council. Coach immediately says his little tribe is no longer playing as a team. There is a wayward duckling marching to her own drummer. Mikayla rolls her eyes and squenches up her face and I wondered to myself if she thinks that's attractive. All she's ever good for at Tribal is making creepy faces and farting out something that makes no sense. Conversely, "Yay team, go team" player Edna is fine sitting out when asked to sit out. It's for the betterment of the team. Whatever is good for the team, is good for Edna. Now can you please pass her a band-aid? She forgot her winter coat and a band-aid is plenty big to keep her warm on chilly nights as this.
Dimples asks if it's better to go to the merge with strong people who aren't necessarily loyal or loyal people who aren't necessarily strong? Brandon answers, "Ya gotta git thar first. Then ya wanna git thar with law-yull-tee." Ok. Thank you Brandon. *rolls eyes* Albie jumps in and says getting to the Merge with numbers is all that matters. Coming from someone on the inside, I can see his point, but I also know that Cochran and Jim are loose cannons. So, outside looking in, I can't wait for this Merge! I think it's going to be a hodgepodge of crazy and something tells me that Cochran will be dead center of all that crazy.
Coach turns to Dimples and says, "You know what I'm all about. I'm about loyalty, honor, and integrity." Albie interrupts and says that loyalty can be faked while strength can't. Hold up there Albster. I've been in many a gym where I've faked strength to impress a passerby. I'll be huffin' and puffin' and twirling dumbells over my head and then after they pass by I collapse into a small puddle of drool and sweat. Strength can too be faked. So there! Stick that in your pecs and smoke it.
Listening to Albert speak in that monotone way of his begins to make Lil Hantz insane in the membrane and he just can't take it anymore. All this talk about law-yull=tee, law-yull-tee, law-yull-tee is eating him alive! The law-yull-tee was thick last week with Edna and what young Brandon doesn't understand is how in the matter of a couple of days, half the tribe has flipped and turned on Edna. That's not law-yull-tee! That's not god-ability. That's a house divided. That's lasciviousness is what it is! *stands and claps* Nicely done LOCO. Could it be you're actually making some sense or am I going insane? Insane.
In the end, the votes did come down to Rancher Rick and the next person voted out of Survivor South Pacific is Mikayla. I'm good with that. I've only just begun to explore the microscopic wonder that is Edna so... later Mikayla. Good luck on Rhode Island. So what did you guys think? Were you rooting for Edna or Mikayla? Is Coach losing control of his alliance? Who from Savannah might swing over to Impala after the Merge? Or who from Impala might sway? Will you be getting a tattoo that says CHALUPA on your cheek later on today? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
26 comments:
- HeyRic aka Big RickOctober 20, 2011 at 5:23 PM
Christine Allen Cole. Brillant!ReplyDelete
I believe Ozzy's gang will look back to last week and wonder why they didn't take him out instead of the masseuse. They had the blindside set up and working, and could've had OZ sitting forlornly next to Christine Amber Thieson on RI.
Great recap, Ms Lala
Awesome recap as always.ReplyDelete
Coach and Albert were both right: it made sense from Coach's perspective to keep Edna, and made sense from Albert's to get rid of her.
Between that and Mary Jane's smart anti-Ozzy scheming, it's good to see some shrewd strategizing going on - especially after last year's Rob and the 15 Dunces travesty.
One thing: at Tribal, Brandon said the next challenge would be "deterimental" to the outcome of the game, when he obviously meant "instrumental." I predict he's only going to get creepier and dumber as he ages.
- AnonymousOctober 20, 2011 at 5:39 PM
Colette, your recaps are hysterical.ReplyDelete
Mikayla sealed her fate by not doing what is best for the team and let Albert and Coach do the coconut shooting. She should have set her own pride aside and said you guys do it as my technique is not working.
Brandon is entertaining in his craziness. Is it scary that I wonder what would happen in Russels mind if Brandon's lunacy pays off with a win?
- AnonymousOctober 20, 2011 at 5:41 PM
I also think that not blindsiding Ozzie dead on and sending him to RI was smart. He would dominate RI if sent there...and would be back in the game. Best to send him packing when RI is NO LONGER in the picture so he cannot get back in with his physical prowess.ReplyDelete
- AnonymousOctober 20, 2011 at 8:18 PM
I think Upolu made the wrong choice. Coach himself didn't do much better than Mikayla did in that challenge, and yet he claimed it was all her fault that they lost. He made it sound like she was blatantly disobeying him in the challenge, but he never DIRECTLY told her to sit out the challenge. However, I don't think Mikayla had any chance of saving herself even if she did great in that challenge. Coach already revealed that she was next on the chopping block.ReplyDelete
Keeping Edna was dumb because they know she can't do anything for them in the challenges. They know she's the weakest and that's why they sit her out every chance they get. They don't even trust her enough to compete with them, and yet they vote out people that are significantly stronger than her (Stacy, Mikayla) over her.
Overall, this was a horrible decision, in my opinion. I hope they remembered, before they voted, that after tribal council they could not sit Edna out in the next challange. I hope the next challenge is something extremely physical, so they can see Edna flounder and realize how dumb it was to keep her.
- DiabolicalOctober 20, 2011 at 8:52 PM
I was hoping they'd ditch Edna, but then I had a personal stake in that dumb skank Mikalya staying *sob*ReplyDelete
It was always only ever going to be between Mikalya and Edna. It didn't matter if Mikayla stopped the second Coach told her to step down, he would have then used her quitting as an excuse to get rid of her as well. While I understand her refusal to quit, she was stupid to keep using one arm with the slingshot even when everyone was screaming at her to do different. One fact everyone in the tribe seemed to miss was that Coach and Albert weren't doing much better than Mikalya in that challenge. All three of them sucked big, fat, hairy, salty, testicles and deserved to lose.
LaLa, I have to disagree with you about Edna's personality. She doesn't have one. In fact her personality is so nonexistent that where it should be there is a void that sucks all the light and air from within a three metre radius, so that all we see where ever she walks is a big black hole. She brings nothing to the game other than a chance to take Coach further. Her game strategy pisses me off, I hate seeing women play the "oh kind Sir, please protect me from my weak womanly self with your big manly manlyness". People like her set the Women's Liberation movement back 100 years.
I'll be cheering for Savai'i from now on. That tribe has all the more interesting players in it and that's where the pot of writing gold for your blog lies.
Love your work!
- Brandon HantzOctober 20, 2011 at 9:01 PM
No thankyou Miss Lala - you just go right on ahead and keep that salsa. I used to eat salsa, hell I used to slurp up that ole' salsa like a slurping WHORE, but that was back durin' my rapin' days. I live for God now.ReplyDelete
Yes ma'am, I learned that salsa is the literal definition of lasciviousness. A jailhouse doctor once told me that salsa is instrumental to my mental health.
Salsa, salsa, salsa...
Look what you gon' done bitch. Now I'm horny.
Dear Lala, it concerns me that you took so long to post the blog, particularly after such a dull episode. Yesterday I spoke to all of your readers personally and I can assure you that everyone is in agreement; we would prefer a hasty blog to a quality blog. What does it matter if you post two or even three minutes after the broadcast? We're here for re-caps after all, not laughter.ReplyDelete
- AnonymousOctober 20, 2011 at 9:48 PM
Love the blog as usual, LaLa. Every week as I watch I try to figure out which one-liner will be the title of your blog.ReplyDelete
I like Edna, but I was kind of hoping she'd go just for drama purposes. When the only drama is Brandon conflicted about what god thinks gets pretty old pretty fast. If Edna had gone, Coach would have known his whole tribe pretty much doesn't believe in him, which would cause a divide. Maybe it'll happen anyway, but seeing Benjamin freaking out is still pretty funny. I'm starting to like MJ more and more. He seems to be the only one really strategizing and not saying "Well, that person's skinny, lets vote them out." Or "We're in an alliance, which of course means it can never be broken EVER o.o!" How many times has Ozzy done this? Seven? Eight times? He really thinks he can sit in the shade, catch a fish once in awhile and it's off to a million dollars? It made me even more upset when the group said "It's not like we voted him out." Why the hell not?? Now they're all friends again? I hope MJ, Cochran and Dawn see through this. Speaking of Cochran, it was pretty funny hearing him call Ozzy a whiney bitch. Revenge of the Nerds baby! I really feel bad for Christine. It was hilarious when Sophie called her bitter. If she ever does come back maybe she'll become Christine Harvey Oswald. :P I'm not happy with them getting rid of all the boobs though. Who is there to look at now? :/ReplyDelete
- yours trulyOctober 20, 2011 at 10:23 PM
I have my fantasies too. One would be learning how to use this comment gizmo successfully every time. But that's not where I end.ReplyDelete
Does anyone find Dimples detrimental to the game? I was wishing the Lizmaries would make a cameo appearance and use their star throwing skills to embed those shuffleboard pucks into Dimples forehead. As they dragged his lifeless body into the bush, Collette appears with Don Rickles at her side to freshen up the narration. What a team that would be!
Rickles heckles Mikayla for trying not to break a fingernail at the slingshot. Lala thinks she sees her shoot gin from one nipple. Rickles hobbles over for a taste test. He says it's coconut juice. Lala points out bulging veins on Coach that have a frustation heartbeat. Don says, yeah, and that tattoo can really dance.
I better stop before I get carried away. Lala is the queen and only missed one chance to clip a photo from the Lingerie Football league. I forgive her.
I thought it was a good episode full of personal dilemmas. Did Coach and Brandon get to read press releases from the Presidential campaigns? Later on I hear Michael Jackson singing black and white. Come on Coach, do some beat box, we know you can.
The Dragonslayer is haunted by Russel? What a whimp.
I'm fine with the outcomes. Mikayla gave many young women the hope that anyone can be a model. Maybe that is what Edna was referring to as enhancing Mickey's career. Motivational speaker.
Out of order. Ozzy thinking he's invincible is foolish. His odds on Redemption Island might be slightly better than others but odd things can happen that he can't control. He already proved he's not too slick and guess who went home with an idol in his pocket on a former show.
What else did I like? It's not the first time I watched people sticking bare hands into places where critters with teeth, and the snakes that prey on them might be. I wouldn't do that here in VA where I at least know the common dangers.
Nobody is correct in the Merger theory. Eventually they are all alone and some luck in individual immunity challenge, or an idol, is the only thing that keeps them in the game. I'll have to wait to see what the typical gender split looks like as the game progresses.
I vote for Lala to replace Dimples for live humiliation instead of duh narration.
- AnonymousOctober 21, 2011 at 6:40 AM
NO NO NO!!! We are here, aahh actually I am here for laughter and extremely good jokes and fine comparisons. I can watch, hear and understand an episode of a reality show that doesn't cast scientists, just fine.ReplyDelete
So, La La keep bringing the funny and the bitchiness even if it takes you a couple of days to put it on internet paper.
The lunatic Brandon's God knows writing awesome is not easy...
Cochran being at the center of a merge-icane? Oh, yes please!ReplyDelete
La, I bow to your fortitude in digging up every triple-named famous/infamous person to use for Christine's name.
Great blog(s)
- AnonymousOctober 21, 2011 at 10:39 AM
LOVED your recap of the Immunity Challenge. Perfect! I agree with the previous comment that strategy-wise, it was in Coach's best interest to keep Edna and Albert's best interest to vote Edna out. Diminutive Edna fits in Coach's pocket so well! But Albert was too cautious. He tried to get rid of Edna without alienating Coach. At this point I think that will haunt him. He should have worked harder to explain to the others that Coach wants Edna for Coach and not for the tribe. Imagine what might have happened if Albert had told Lil Hantz that Coach already has the idol?! Loyalty gone bad.ReplyDelete
Lala brilliant writing as usual. I wondered if anyone else is confused by Edna's hat.ReplyDelete
Great post as usual.ReplyDelete
Although it made me laugh quite a bit, I disagree with some of it. I DO agree with Diabolical. Thank you Diabolical for pointing out that Coach didn't do so well with the shooting targets either. Did he hit one? I also agree with you about Edna's personality Diabolical. It's dreadful. She's as exciting as a doorknob. She's so boring. Everything about her is boring and useless. I was hoping she would go because I can't stand looking or listening to her. Mikayla is stronger physically, but she did really have to learn to speak up for herself better.
Lala, all your references about Dawn had me laughing. Gold star, coupons, carpool, bologna sandwiches at the reward. I love it all.
Excellent recap! I am unsure right now who I am rooting for, nobody is that great to me at this point. kind of sad, but true
- AnonymousOctober 21, 2011 at 7:57 PM
I personally think that Mikhayla was pretty boring. I don't find her even remotedly attractive either.ReplyDelete
Edna is nice, but no big personality or charm there either.
So from the viewer's standpoint - which one of them is gone, which one stays - it's basically six of one half a dozen of the other.
The only person who benefits from voting off Mikhayla vs Edna is Coach.
From any other tribe member's standpoint - it would make more sense to keep a much stronger Mikhayla before the merge.
Does anyone thing that Christine Quincy Adams can make a Matt-esque run on Redemption?ReplyDelete
Never thought anyone could appear less stable than Secret Agent Man Phillip Sheppard but Brandon is making a run at the title. Brandon wasn't motivated by loyalty, he used the situation to help rid himself from the object of his lust... er, concern.
Still don't know why 'loyalty' and 'trust' are in anyone's vocabulary in this game. Those words are like unicorns; you want to believe in them, but they're just not real... love the recap Lala.
Well, if Mikayla can make it to the merge, then Albie and Sofa get the greater payoff. Mik knows that coach and Lil-H voted her off and that Albie and Sofia were on her side. I *love* the mayhem that could pursue at the merge--Albert, Sofie, Cochran, Mary Jane, and Mikayla for the fifth. Actually Mikayla is a real snoozefest—unbelievably so. If it weren't for Lil-H, we wouldn't even know she existed. Still, her mere existence could make an interesting merge.ReplyDelete
And what was up with that preview of Ozzie (apparently) considering going to Redemption Island as a strategy. Oh geeeez. That's way dumber than getting voted off with an idol in your pocket. (**And oh, by the way, would Mowgli be allowed to keep his idol on Rhode Island after not playing it at tribal? ....If not, would he be ridiculous enough to give it to another player for 'safe keeping'??) ....Now I actually *could* see someone going to Rhode Island as a legitmate strategy--but it just doesn't seem like coherent strategy if it's Oz that makes this crazy move, especially at this point.
My Gin Fizz rantings tonight:
> 'Stop pretending shitpies are gumdrops'. I'm gonna use that one on my kids--they're gonna love it!
> Laciviousness: My chosen headline too!
> LOVE that Christine Van Winkle flipped off the Impalas.
> Doesn't Christine sort of take the 'wow' out of multiple-ala-PrettyPony wins? I mean, it's not like she's really had to bring her A-game for most of these wins. (Always a crappy game and mostly crappy competitors that were voted out early.) …But yes, I guess the Pony was glorious anyway.
> Coach's description of Edna's post-merge loyalty was way over the top—but sorta made me excited to see such evil creep out of him.
> LOVE the carpool/coupons bit!
> @Ox12:49 – Unicorns aren't real?? Shut the fuck up, asshole!
> Albert looks surprisingly pert in his blue bikini top, yes?
> My money is on Cochran for some Surivor-gold next week. (Is he still not yet renamed?)
Yeah, whatever, bitches!
Buhbye, harlots!
- AnonymousOctober 22, 2011 at 9:48 AM
I love your blog,Lala!ReplyDelete
Edna seems to be perpetuating Asian stereotypes...Can I walk on your back? Want me to dry clean your shirt? Paint your nails?...Maybe next week will be an SAT-type challenge and Edna can outscore everyone. Sigh!
I'm starting to really like Keith. He seems to be a silent schemer who gets how to act with Ozzy and Mary Jane. He appears to have Whitney following him.
OZ: I hope CQA comes back into the game. She is sort of the anti-Matt. He forgives. She flips people off. Love her!
- yours trulyOctober 22, 2011 at 11:47 AM
I think Rancher Rick missed a chance to twist his pickle. Why not use his chance to bump up the paranoia? He could have forced a tie with a vote for Coach or Brandon. Even better if he wrote down Benjamin or Hanz.ReplyDelete
Nothing is certain until the ink meets the parchment. Then he could vote his true feelings in the re-vote while leaving a shadow of doubt.
We haven't seen a tiebreaker lately but I think it's two tries and then some competition.
Bowls of glitter and boobs would have been great...for laughs.
- AnonymousOctober 23, 2011 at 5:35 AM
I love sucky sucky! I hope sucky sucky stays in the game long time!ReplyDelete
Edna is M-I-L-K-I-N-G Coach's delusions of loyalty for all they're worth. I share lala's fascination with Edna and I'm happy her 'loyalty' and bootlicking were bought over the zero-strategy Mikayla but I don't think she is 100% allied with Coach. Girl is playing her own game! Only time will tell if she coattails a power player to the finals (ala natalie white) or if she steps it up and parvatises her game for herself. My money is on a more disappointing Candice alliance-hopping post-merge backstory though. Edna has got some secrets up her sleeve for now though.
Greatly looking forward to your take on last night, Lala. But take all the time you want--it's always worth any amount of wait. (If you haven't watched it yet--don't read my comments. Delete quick so that you won't be spoiled!!)ReplyDelete
I'm taking a quick vacay, but I can't stop thinking about this episode. So here is what I've been mulling over:
So, according to Dimples' tweets during last night's epi, the rules do *not* state that a person sent to redemption loses the idol if it's in their possession. ....Ozzie COULD have kept the idol. He was *not* required to give it away.
Did he give it away because he assumed Dimples would take his idol away? Or did he give it away knowing that he didn't have to? ...And why, of all people, did he choose to give it to Cochran? Was it intentional strategy (to keep Cochran from flipping at the merge) or was it just a Homer 'Doh!' move?
Because it's Oz, I have to believe it wasn't strategy so much as ego. But honestly, Cochran is Savaii's greatest risk to 'flip' at the merge. Oz's plan (I still doubt that it was all actually a 'plan') may be the only way to sway Cochran to stay with his original tribe.
And lastly, regarding Christine Lee Jones: even though she seems like a very obvious merge-flip to Savaii, I don't think it's smart to count on her for a vote in this case. If the vote is 6-6, I do believe it will be a 'rock' vote, where everybody is at risk. And there is always at least one (usually several) who are not willing to draw rocks--and so someone WILL vote against someone that they'd really rather not vote against.
And a Christine vote is just not as good as a 6-pack of original Savaii members because the Christine-vote method does not include using Cochran as the Trojan Horse. Ozzie going to Redemption isn't so smart--but the Trojan Horse part sparkles with clouds of glitter. It's brilliant. Instead of Cochran possibly wandering to the Upulo ranks, the geek will play the Trojan Horse to the hilt because it's such an awesome Survivor game move. And Christine would've given them (at best) a 6-6 vote. ...Whereas the Trojan Horse gives Savaii a great chance at faking out the other side and saving themselves by using the idol on Upolo's target.
Geez. Ozzie could *not* have thought through all these details, right? I want to know more about how this all unfolded!
...And there's a part of me that even hopes Cochran becomes a double-agent!! Glad to see a newbie make his mark. Can't wait to see if the merge really happens next week. I'll check back and really look forward to seeing your better-than-life version of last night's events!
The Umpa-Lumpas don't realize Christine Kardashian Humphries is the best player on their team.ReplyDelete
By offering to go to Quahog (Rhode Island), Ozzy is going to a whole lotta trouble for nothing. Was it just me or did the sadistic side of Probst really come out when he was all like, "Ozzy, if your brilliant scheme doesn't pan out, you're gonna look like an even bigger douche than last time." LMAO
Sorry, not the Umpa-Lumpas, the Barbers of Seville. My bad.ReplyDelete
- AnonymousNovember 12, 2011 at 9:01 AM
I like reading your blog, but I would LOVE to LISTEN to it.ReplyDelete
Please consider putting it in audio format.


text:
'Real Housewives' Star Kelly Bensimon Is Building Wells For Children In Haiti! Will You Help Her? Exclusive Video!
Bonnie Fuller sits down with Kelly to discuss how she's providing clean water to kids in Haiti. Find out how you can support Kelly's incredible cause!
The Real Housewives of New York City star Kelly Bensimon is on a mission to make this world a better place for children. Over the past month, Kelly has raised $10,000 for Generosity Water, a non-profit organization dedicated to providing clean water to developing nations. Kelly will even make a four-day trip to Port-au-Prince, Haiti, on Feb. 15 to help build wells so the nation's people access to clean water.
"We are going to be physically digging the wells, working with them in Haiti," Kelly tells HollywoodLife.com exclusively. "We're going to be visiting different villages in Haiti — in the trenches and really be a part of it."
Kelly's motivation? "When I heard that children are dropping out of school to walk four miles to get water, that was the kicker for me," she says. "I was like, 'No, you go to school and I'll get you water."
Kelly works closely with Generosity Water's founder Philip Wagner and Philip's son, Jordan Wagner, who serves as executive director for the foundation.
"I've never done anything like this," Kelly says. "I've raised a lot of money for different organizations in New York, but this is the first time I'm going to a foreign country and being incredibly active." Kelly first got involved with in this mission in July 2010.
It costs $3,000 to build a single well, Kelly tells us. She has enough to dig three wells right now, but would love to be able to dig more.
"I would love my fans to support me in this endeavor," Kelly says. "They will be insuring that people all over the world will be able to drink clean water, something that's a luxury to us. Remember, you work hard, you love hard and you give hard. Do something!"
You can help Kelly raise money for by visiting this website and making a donation. The minimum donation is $5.

subset: commoncrawl


text:
Fairfield Prep, Catholic Memorial skate to 2-2 hockey tie
BRIDGEPORT -- As Fairfield Prep was making its way to the ice for the start of the third period Wednesday afternoon at the Wonderland Of Ice, the words of encouragement to each other included, "Let's put them away, boys."
The Jesuits could not quite close the deal despite leading by two goals.
Catholic Memorial High School, of West Roxbury, Mass., scored the only two goals of the third period to forge a 2-2 tie, erasing the Jesuits' 2-0 lead built on one goal in each of the first two periods. The Knights drew even thanks to Michael Stathopolous capitalizing on a Prep defensive mistake 1:13 into the third period, then on Aaron Clancy taking advantage of a giveway in the Jesuits' zone and beating Prep goalie Matt Beck with a powerful shot 51 seconds later.
No overtime was played because Massachusetts Interscholastic Athletic Association rules prohibit boys ice hockey teams from playing an extra period in out-of-state games unless they are participating in a tournament. This is part of a regular-season series played in Connecticut dating back more than 25 years according to longtime Catholic Memorial coach Bill Hanson.
The tie left Fairfield Prep's overall record at 10-3-3 and Catholic Memorial's at 9-5-4. Last year, when Prep won the CIAC Division I state tournament with a 23-1-0 record, the Jesuits' lone loss was to the Knights by 4-3 count on Feb. 20. Prep has won 15 state championships, Catholic Memorial 17 in Massachusetts.
"We don't score a lot of goals," said Hanson, whose team was averaging 2.91 goals scored per game entering Wednesday's contest. "In 15 of our 19 games, we've headed into the third period tied, down by a goal or down by two goals."
Hanson noted how Prep used eight forwards throughout the game, while he had the advantage of using all 13 of the Knights' forwards. "We were able to throw numbers at them. We're a high-energy team. It was going to be hard for them to keep that pace up."
The Jesuits had a shot to expand their 2-0 lead by firing three shots on goal in the first 42 seconds of the third period. But Catholic Memorial goalie Brandon Collett turned them all away. Then Prep had problems in its defensive zone soon after and its lead did not last long.
"Both team went up and down the ice, and there were a lot of momentum shifts," said Prep coach Matt Sather, who faced Catholic Memorial when he played for the Jesuits.
"There was pretty good goaltending. This was a game that was good to be a part of," Sather said. "It will make us better. It can remind us of what we are capable of doing. It can also punish you. They made a couple of mistakes early on that we capitalized on; we made a couple of mistakes later that they capitalized on. They put a lot of pressure on you with their speed."
Prep grabbed a 1-0 lead 39 seconds into the game when the Knights could not organize themselves on a scramble in front of Collett. Mike Ventricelli was credited with the goal, with assists by Burke Smith and Matt McKinney. On Prep's third and last shot on goal in the second period, Smith sent a pass back into the deep slot where Matt Wikman converted in traffic.
That goal came with 2:31 left in the period. The save of the game came 89 seconds earlier, with a one-goal margin, when Beck stopped a one-timer from 25 feet out that was blistered and destined for the near corner before he blocked it. "Our guy got all of it," Hanson said. "The shot did not hit their goalie. It was a save."
firstname.lastname@example.com; 203-255-4561 ext. 113; twitter.com/ReidWalmark
Fairfield Prep 2, Catholic Memorial 2
Records: Catholic Memorial 9-5-4; Fairfield Prep 10-3-3. Goals: CM--Michael Stathopolous, Aaron Clancy; FP--Mike Ventricelli, Matt Wikman. Assists: CM--Shane Dillon, Billy Czar; FP--Burke Smith 2, Matt McKinney, Ventricelli. Goalies: CM--Brandon Collett (19 saves); FP--Matt Beck (17). Shots: CM--19; FP--21.


text: ASUS GT520 graphics card with DirectX®11, HDMI support Dust-proof Fan efficiently dissipates heat while extending lifespan by 25%ASUS low profile HTPC and multimedia-focused graphics cards are optimized for smooth 1920x1080 streaming and Blu-ray 3D Full HD multimedia entertainment with DX11 and HDMI support Shop Modal header Amazing Home Theater Experience-Enrich Your Entertainment! ASUS Exclusive Innovation Dust-proof Fan Unique fan design dissipates heat efficiently while extending a graphic card's lifespan by 25%* through increased dust and particle resistance. Low Profile Design ASUS low profile HTPC and multimedia-focused graphics cards are optimized for smooth 1920x1080 streaming and Blu-ray 3D. Graphics GPU Features Powered by NVIDIA® GeForce® GT520 GeForce CUDA™ Unlocks the power of GPU's processor cores to accelerate the most demanding system tasks DirectX® 11 Done Right Brings new levels of visual realism to gaming on the PC and get top-notch performance NVIDIA® PureVideo® HD Enjoy Blu-ray movies in Full HD1080p fidelity Microsoft® Windows® 7 Compatible Enable PC users to enjoy an advanced computing experience and to do more with their PC I/O Ports Highlight


text:
Safe Pregnancy Beauty Tips
By Nicole Pelletiere
It's not just your eating and sleeping habits that might have to change during your pregnancy (goodbye sushi, hello middle-of-the-night bathroom runs). When you have a baby on board, you'll need to tweak your primping routine, too. Click through to get the scoop on the pregnancy beauty tips you need to know.


text:
I would like to thank those of you who supported me in the 2010 election and wish Mr. Bilbray well as he endeavors to represent the best interests and values of the people of the 50th District.
I will continue to be actively involved in our community and especially in advocating for qualtiy education for all students and for more women in leadership.
If you would like to reach me, you may contact me at PO Box 712 Cardiff, CA 92007 or at firstname.lastname@example.com.


text:
Whenever you buy tickets at ProSportArena, you are buying a lot more than just tickets to a concert, theatre, comedy, or sporting event. We are supplying you with a total experience and memories. It could be that band you saw 3 decades ago and you want to see them again today or the first football game your son sees. Regardless, the reality is that event tickets provide you with a lot more than simple entertainment. You are purchasing a treasured moment through ProSportArena. Whether you just need Tickets or you need a Travel Package to get to your event ProSportArena is Your Source for Tickets To Events.®
There is currently no online inventory available for this event.
Please contact Orpheum-Theater.com at (866)459-9233 or firstname.lastname@example.com or fill out and submit the form below to check availability for this event.


text:
©Dearcyprus.com Download The Latest Trends In Interior Decoration Ideas !dearcyprus
Welcome to Bedroom Ideas, Here we have prepared refrensi and an example home design to help you design house in accordance with what do you expect . Home Design Is one category that we have prepared of some category that we had and Top Home Interior Designers Is one of refrensi about home design and one of the best that we have prepared to refrensi model a house you want to get up from various model a house who is.
Bedroom Ideas not only provide refrences and example about Top Home Interior Designers and if you drill our website then you would find all sorts of an example, and refrensi home design that will bring you more options and refrensi in determining model a house you want to wake up so you can combine various model a house to embellish display your house good interiors and exterior.


text:
Call us!
viagra versus levitra
Meet the Artists
Tattoo Removal, Piercings, Teeth Whitening and Scalp Pigmentation
Levaquin And Urinary Tract Infections
Twisted Images Black Ink Crew
offers a variety of
piercing and tattoo
services to fit any live style. We offer everything from exotic body art, cover-ups, basic piercings, private piercings, and dermal piercings. No matter what you're looking for we're able to help you.
Twisted Images Black Ink Crew makes sure to keep a clean environment for the tattoos and piercings. We always ensure our equipment is clean and sterilized before and after every piercing and tattoo. We use surgical stainless steel or titanium for all of our piercings. After all of our piercings and tattooing, we'll give you after care instructions for you to follow.
Twisted Images Black Ink Crew is focused on delivering a friendly and fun atmosphere in the parlor. All of the artists are personable and focused on customer service. We're all really interested in the tattoo ideas you have and want to help you bring it to reality. Our entire staff is dedicated to providing high-quality service to our valued customers.
Twisted Images Black Ink Crew has a cafe in the back area. This way you can enjoy a snack, meal, or just a cold drink while enjoying your tattoo experience. Come visit us at 349 South Salina, Syracuse, , to experience this one of a kind place.
Contact us by phone at
or by walking into the shop, to schedule an appointment for your piercing or tattoo. You can also drop by just to talk with our artists and piercers.
Twisted Images Black Ink Crew is always looking for more professional tattoo artists. Please reach out to us by phone at
or come into the shop. We'll talk with you and see if you're a good fit for the team at Twisted Images Black Ink Crew.


text:
Pro Evolution Soccer makes its return this fall, Pro Evolution Soccer 2012! This year, Konami is determined to give global football fans a truly realistic, immersive and a delightfully playable take on the beautiful game. Creative Producer Shingo "Seabass" Takatsuka has been sourcing the desires of fans across the globe and working non-stop on marrying the digital game to the real life game so fans can get as close to the real thing. All elements have been examined – defense, offense, AI, penalties, officiating and of course, graphics! The result is a game truly represents the key attributes of the game and it's players. Pro Evolution Soccer...Can you play?
Also known as: PES 2012, PES 2012: Pro Evolution Soccer, Winning Eleven: Pro Evolution Soccer 2012, World Soccer Winning Eleven 2012
Release Region: United States
Release Date: September 27, 2011
Publisher: Konami
Release Region: United Kingdom
Release Date: October 14, 2011
Publisher: Konami
Release Region: Australia
Release Date: October 13, 2011
Publisher: Konami
Also available on: Xbox 360, PlayStation Portable, PlayStation 2, Wii, Nintendo 3DS
Pro Evolution Soccer 2012 at IGN
Pro Evolution Soccer 2012 at GameSpy
Pro Evolution Soccer 2012 at GameStats


text:
Getty Images
At a time when it seemed as if the Hall of Fame voters would need more time in order to finalize the latest Hall of Fame class, they got it done. In the nick of time.
Joe Reedy of the Cincinnati Enquirer, one of the 46 voters, has said on Twitter that the meeting is over and that a class of Hall of Famers has been determined.
Previously, Ralph Vacchiano of the New York Daily News suggested that the expected announcement at 5:30 p.m. ET possibly would be delayed.
The work began at 8:30 a.m. ET, and Darin Gantt (who has one of the votes) told me last night that he expected the process to take roughly nine hours.
Gantt was right. Now, we play the waiting game.


text:
Personal tools
|Volume 19, Number 2
|The CPSR Newsletter
|Spring 2001
Maginot Line in Space?
|by Don Byrd
The issue of ballistic missile defense, more recently known as National Missile Defense (NMD) or Star Wars, is in the news now more than it has been in years, thanks to President Bush's current effort to abrogate the Anti-Ballistic Missile Defense treaty and push ahead with developing and deploying a system.
In the last few years, the United States has increased annual spending on ballistic missile defense to 1.9 billion dollars (as per FY01 Budget Request [ http://www.cdi.org/issues/nukef&f/nukecost.html ]); we have now spent a total of some $60 billion developing a system. At the same time, in this post-cold-war era, the official justification has been scaled far back; we no longer expect it to protect us against an attack by a powerful adversary like the Soviet Union, but only against an obviously-irrational attack by a "rogue state" like North Korea. Is this money well spent? What are the odds we'll end up with a system that really protects us? The vast majority of press coverage I've seen focuses on questions like the difficulty of hitting an attacking missile with whatever technology we plan to hit it with, and what that technology should be--lasers, missiles of our own, whatever. But in my view and that of many other computer experts, the important question is software.
I have a Ph.D. in computer science, but I've spent most of my 30-year career as a programmer, developing complex software, not as a researcher or professor. I base my opinions on both theory and experience. Even based on the Pentagon's own estimates, the NMD software system would be the most complex piece of software ever developed. Furthermore, it would be software of an unusually difficult type. It would have to operate in "real time"--that is, to complete its calculations in a period of time determined by outside forces. And it would operate in a very hostile environment: in addition to the problems all software faces, it would have human adversaries trying to defeat it (perhaps by repeatedly changing the design of their missiles, perhaps by spies feeding them copies of the program code).
It has been said that, ordinarily, software engineers are programming Murphy's computer (as in Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong, will). In this case, they would be programming something even worse, the devil's computer! And how could this software be debugged? Simulation is routinely mentioned as the main way, and indeed simulation would undoubtedly find many problems. Well, simulation is great for finding the problems you suspect as well as for testing the solutions you think you have. But it's not much good for finding problems that never occurred to you, and in a system of the overwhelming complexity of NMD, there would surely be many of those.
But wait. Computers these days are absolutely dazzling. If we can build machines that would have been considered supercomputers only a few years ago and that sell for $3,000, can ballistic-missile defense software really be beyond us? Yes, it can. Year after year, there's been incredible progress in computer hardware, but not much in software, and almost none in "reliable" software. We now have on our desktop computers of blinding speed that crash as often as the dinosaurs of 20 years ago.
And even if we could be confident the NMD system would work flawlessly, it's very doubtful that it would accomplish anything. Why should those North Koreans, deranged though they might be, send expensive missiles to destroy our cities when they could smuggle their nukes into harbors on ships? Or send them over in cheap pilotless planes? With respect to the latter, in 1998, a group of meteorologists led by Tad McGreer showed that GPS-equipped robot planes built by amateurs for about $10,000 each can cross the Atlantic Ocean. Such planes--low-tech cruise missiles powered by readily-available model aircraft motors--could fly below our radar defenses and deliver payloads like a small atomic bomb or a quantity of homemade nerve gas.
Finally, even a primitive system could act in an offensive way. In recent years, Russian strike capabilities have declined considerably, and they continue to decline. At some point, a baby Star Wars could be good enough to knock down most or all of a weak Russian retaliation to a US first strike, thus making it very destabilizing. This was a big problem with the original Star Wars. Of course, the Chinese and Korean ICBM programs, if they improve at any reasonable rate, will rapidly make NMD useless anyway. A cynic might argue that Baby Star Wars is really just a way to continue giving as much money as possible to military contractors, and to avoid confronting our bad habit of handling international relations problems via force.
The proposed system would be a colossal waste of money that we can ill afford, even in these days of prosperity. This is especially true because it distracts us from the need to improve international relations, an incomparably more effective way to protect our country. Many years ago, Jerome Wiesner, then president of MIT, argued that the threat of nuclear war is one of a class of "no technical solution" problems, and that attempts to avoid it via technology would in fact make the problem worse. Ballistic missile defense is as a good a demonstration of his point as could be imagined.
The Star Wars version of the Maginot Line is no better an idea than the World War II version.
What's inside...
© Computer Professionals for Social Responsibility
|[ top ]
|Newsletter Index
Created before October 2004


text:
If you're reading this then chances are you are obsessed by snow. You are not alone: about 800,000 Australians ski and snowboard in Australia each year; 90,000 of us head to New Zealand and another 100,000 are estimated to also head elsewhere overseas each northern season.
While Australian skiers and snowboarders may be able to quote the price of a beer in Whistler, Niseko and Vail, and moan about the prices back home, not many may know that there are three ski resorts in the USA that don't allow snowboarding (Alta, Deer Valley and Mad River Glen), or that Beaver Creek in Vail, Colorado bakes 400,000 free chocolate chip cookies a year for hungry skiers departing the slopes at 4pm, or that the first Winter Olympics were held in St Moritz, Switzerland in 1928.
But wait, there's more. Try some of these facts on your snow-loving mates next time you're boasting at the end of a ski day.
1. The world record for a season's snowfall is held by Mt Baker in Washington in the 1998/1999 snow season. Almost 29 metres (2896cms) of snow fell in one winter.
2. Norwegian Anders Backe holds the Guinness World Record as the fastest "backwards" skier in the world, clocking up 79.97 miles per hour (about 129 kilometres per hour) skiing "switch" on twin tips earlier this year.
3. Australia's Michael Milton is officially the fastest disabled man on skis in the world. He recorded 213.65 kilometres per hour in 2006.
4. The fastest skier on the planet, Simone Origone from Italy, is almost 40 kilometres per hour faster than Milton, with a world record speed of 251.4 kilometres per hour, also recorded in 2006.
5. American Kit DesLauriers is the first woman to ski-descend Everest. She is also the first American to do so. But that's not all - she is the first person to ski the "Seven Summits" (the highest peaks on each continent).
6. Frenchman Marco Siffredi is the first snowboarder to descend Everest on a board, a feat he accomplished in two-and-a-half hours.
7. The average snowflake is made up of a 180 billion molecules of water.
8. The highest mountain hotel in the world is the Hotel Everest View in Namche, Nepal at 3962 metres altitude.
9. The most expensive ski chalet in the world (that we know of) is Chalet Le Blanchot in Courchevel 1850. For a mere $250,500 a week, expect five floors accessed by an internal lift, six bedrooms, two kitchens, an indoor swimming pool, hammam (Turkish bath), massage room, home cinema, concierge and staff.
10. Back in 2008, the most expensive cocktail at a ski resort could be found at the Coco Club in Verbier, Switzerland. The £5000 ($7800) alcohol concoction came in an ice sculpture and included life membership to the Coco Club.
Share your interesting, absurd, useless, or useful facts and trivia about skiing, snowboarding and snow with us by posting a comment on the blog below.
Peer professionals voted photo of the season: Andrew "Freddy" Fawcett for his take on Charlotte's Pass backcountry. Andrew received five of the six "first place" votes up for grabs from our esteemed panel of nominated photographers and guest judge, pro photographer Dan Himbrechts.
Public-voted photo of the season: Chris Hocking for his Mt Bogong sunset. Chris receives a Vail Resorts Epic Season Pass thanks to Travelplan Ski Holidays for the most votes, Steve Cuff receives a Burton F Stop 28L backpack for second in the popular vote and Darren Teasdale receives a Douchebag ski/snowboard bag for placing third.
Congratulations also go to voter "Ipp" for winning a Vail Resorts Epic Season pass from Travelplan Ski Holidays.
That's all for the 2012 southern winter ski season from Snow It All. May you have peace, love and powder in the northern winter. I look forward to sharing the snow-love with you again next year.
Join our snow circus and "like" our Snow It All Facebook Page, follow us on Twitter @misssnowitall and on Instagram @misssnowitall and read us daily on our wordpress blog.


text:
Farrow & Ball Hardwick White 5 Exterior Masonry
The colourway used to touch up old white limewash at Hardwick Hall. Probably not thought of as white except in large areas or with strong dark colours. Mid Tones Undercoat.
Farrow and Ball - Exterior Masonry Paint Hardwick White 5
Farrow and Ball Exterior Masonry paint is a high performance, very flat matt looking paint with exceptional durability. Extremely tough and hard-wearing, it can be used on all masonry surfaces. The breathable, fungal and water resistant formula helps to combat damp in walls, and is resistant to peeling, cracking, chalking, blistering and colour fade for up to 15 years - providing it has been applied in accordance with F&B Product Advice Sheets.
Key Benefits:
- 2% very flat matt finish.
- Available in 5lt size only.
- Coverage is 40m2 per 5ltr - dependant on surface being painted.
- Re-coat time is 4 hours, touch dry in 1 hour (dependant on conditions)
- Can be used on all exterior masonry surfaces.
- Water based and Eco-friendly
- Available in 107 Farrow and Ball colours
Farrow and Ball Masonry Paint dries quickly in just two hours under normal conditions and is available in in all off-whites and all colours except 30, 42, 43, 50, 51, 56, 66, 74, 93, 95, 96, 212, 217, 220, 222, 223, 248, 253, 254, 255, 256, 268, 269, 278, 279, 280.
Farrow & Ball are devoted to producing unparalleled paints and wallpapers that transform homes around the world. Farrow and Ball are paint perfectionists, creating unmatched paint colours using only the finest ingredients and age-old methods which have withstood the test of time and the passage of many a fickle fad, meticulous approach to producing paint and wallpaper is rooted in their past. Farrow & Ball paints are born and bred in Dorset, England, in the same small town they've resided in since John Farrow, and fellow paint pioneer Richard Ball first founded the company.
Over the years Farrow & Ball has been loved and appreciated by a dedicated and growing group of loyal customers all over the world who recognise the difference that attention to detail, quality ingredients and craftsmanship make.
Today, F&B quest to create unmatchable products continues, and Designer Paint Store are committed to supplying our customers with the highest quality paints and decorating materials available.
Orders placed before 2.00pm will be processed, securely packaged and dispatched the same day. Your order will be delivered the next working day. If your order has products that are out of stock, please allow 3 - 4 working days for delivery.
We offer FREE mainland UK delivery on orders over £100.00, orders under this value will be charged at £6.95. Sample pots orders are charged at 95p and sent Royal Mail 2nd Class Signed for.
Click and Collect - when your order is ready for collection, you will be contacted by E-mail.
For full details please see Delivery & Returns and Terms & Conditions.


text:
AMERICUS - The Francis Marion University men's basketball team utilized a 22-5 run over the final nine and a half minutes on Saturday afternoon to hand GSW its first loss at home this season, 70-56.
An Evan Mobley layup with 5:58 to play made the score 59-55 but would prove to be GSW's final field goal of the game. Southwestern missed seven shots in a row during that scoreless stretch along with a pair of free throws. Colin Slotter added a free throw with 28 seconds left to cap the 'Canes scoring.
Up until that final run by the visiting Patriots, the game was a back-and-forth affair with the lead changing hands 14 times.
The Hurricanes led most of the first half and built their largest lead (eight points) on a dunk by Slotter at the 7:39 mark that made the score 22-14.
Francis Marion (12-7, 6-4 PBC) chipped away at the margin and eventually took its first lead with 3:12 left in the opening stanza when Evrik Gary connected on 3-point basket to make the score 27-26. Mobley answered with a pair of 3-pointers of his own and helped GSW take a 32-31 lead into the break.
The opening 10 minutes of the second half was more of the same with the two sides exchanging blows and a converted 3-point play by Milos Kleut with 9:48 to go gave GSW its final lead of the game, 51-48.
GSW was led by Slotter's 17 points. Mobley chipped in 16 and Kleut added 11. Marlon Rivera pulled down a team-high 10 boards.
The Hurricanes finished 20 of 52 (38.5 percent) from the floor and struggled from beyond the arc, hitting 4 of 24 attempts (16.7 percent). The 24 attempts matched a season-high. GSW lost the battle of the boards (39-34), points in the paint (27-22) and bench points (14-5).
Francis Marion's Liki Turner led all scorers with 25 points on 10 of 18 shooting. Turner completed the double-double with a game-high 13 rebounds. Gary added 17 points.
The Patriots shot 43.1 percent from the floor (25 of 58) and connected on 40 percent (8 of 20) from beyond the arc.
The Hurricanes (11-6, 2-6 PBC) look to rebound tomorrow against UNC Pembroke in the Storm Dome at 3:30 p.m. A reminder that it's a Sundaes on Sunday event presented by the Americus-Sumter Chamber of Commerce. Free ice cream sundaes will be served between the PBC doubleheader to the first 150 fans. It's also Camo Day. Fans are encouraged to wear camouflage.


text:
You are about to enter a website that may contain content of an adult nature.
Hello everyone, this is Indian cam girl Hiliana here. I'm 40 year old Female speak English and Spanish in the Indian live sex chat action. MY SHOW IS THE BEST INVITES YOU TO KNOW. You will not regret CAN BE YOUR BEST DAY ....... Am a mature lady that will bring all your fantasies and give you the best pleasure. I HAVE FOR YOU boots, high heels, leather clothing, vibrators, TOYS AND LINGERIE VERY SEXY ...... JUST FOR YOU. I LIKE ALL. is my expertise and also what I will do in Indian live sex private show. I have Brown eyes, Long Blonde hairs and my measurements are 40-80-45. For Turn ons: HAVE A PENIS WELL HARD IN MY ASS HOLE, PLAY WITH MY FINGERS, USE MY TOYS, Handjob YOU, HAVE ORGASM TOGETHER AND VERY SEXY LINGERIE USE ONLY FOR YOU.... For TurnsOff: RUDE PEOPLE,IGNORANT PEOPLE, PEOPLE SAY stupidities and lies. If you prefer kinks, then Tattoos,Shaved, are mine. I'm just hungry for a HARD cock, can't wait to see u in my Indian webcam sex chat room! :)
This website contains Indian cams, Desi webcam, Hindi live chat and Tamil sex show related sexually explicit content.
You must be at least 18 years of age to enter this website.
Megaindiancams.com Latest News & Blog
Indian XXX Chat - Indian Sex Cams - Indian Cam Girls - Indian Sex Chat - Live Cams Force - Live Indian Sex
© Since 2012 myindiansexcams.com All Rights Reserved
AllHosts1 - AllHosts2 - AllHosts3 - AllHosts4 - AllHosts5 - AllHosts6 - AllHosts7 - AllHosts8 - AllHosts9 - AllHosts10 - AllHosts11 - AllHosts12


text:
Could you live off of $438 a week?
Share Now on:
What's it like to live in poverty? Unless you've been there, it's hard to know. But every day, millions of Americans have to make tough choices about how they will survive, what they will eat, and where they will live. When you have very little money, the financial decisions you are forced to make are not only difficult, but also life changing.
Marketplace Money — in collaboration with the Wealth and Poverty Desk and KPBS in San Diego — have focused on these important decisions in a special called "Tough Choices" airing this weekend on Public Radio stations and the Marketplace Money Podcast.
One story from the show explores how people who are not poor can experience what it's like to live in poverty. They take part in a nationwide Poverty Simulator, a real-life workshop that requires them to face the tough choices that people make when living at or below the poverty threshold.
The Poverty Simulator program is intensive, but we've condensed the experience into a simple interactive game above. Try it out above to see if you can get by supporting a family of four on just $22,811 in a year.
SPECIAL REPORT: Listen and read more stories and interviews from the Marketplace Money special report, "Tough Choices." Read more.


text:
#102915 - FT02 WHEEL SET (FOR FOAM/BLACK/FRONT/2pcs)
FORMULA TEN/Front/Use with foam tires
Снято с производства
Set up your HPI Formula Ten car for high grip foam tires with these FT02 Front Wheels. They're precision molded from black high impact nylon for a perfect fit on Formula Ten cars and have a flat mounting surface designed specifically for high performance foam tires. Requires #103023 Aluminum Steering Knuckle Set for foam tires.
Sold in pairs. See all the Formula Ten options designed specifically for foam tyres! #102915 FT02 WHEEL SET (FOR FOAM, BLACK, FRONT 2pcs) #103015 FT02 WHEEL SET (FOR FOAM, BLACK, REAR 2pcs) #102917 BALL DIFF SET FOR FOAM WHEELS (95 TOOTH, 64 PITCH) #103023 ALUMINUM STEERING KNUCKLE SET (FOAM TIRE, ORANGE)


text:
One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Eddie: The Little Boy
Let us now meet 23 year old Eddie Fox. Eddie is a fireman from East Brunswick, New Jersey and says his claim to fame is "helping others." My claim to fame is drinking topless and flicking light switches on and off with my nipples. I don't know about you, but that is so much more handy than helping people.
Why Eddie looks like he's taking a dump in his cast photo is anyone's guess. The better question would be why Eddie wants sneakers and a cutting tool on the island when he will already have sneakers and a cutting tool on the island. Eddie, my love, you can bring whatever shoes you want and I don't know if you've seen an episode of this little show you're on called Survivor, but they GIVE YOU A MACHETE.
Let's see what this brain trust has to say for himself. Please to enjoy:
A vision in periwinkle. A freshly scrubbed bright-eyed lad ready to take on the world. Full of plans, ripe with ideas. A real go-getter. The little boy optimism has some charm to it, but it is the lisp that has stolen my heart. That lisp! It's a crumpled-hair-roll-out-of-bed-in-your-Batman-PJ's-kick-the-air-trip-over-a-Tonka-truck-and-take-the-ritalin-your-mama-set-out-for-you ball of innocence. A lip furling 10 year old in a 23 year old man's body. He's the movie Big in real life.
Socially, he could win people over. Strategically, he'll play too hard, too fast. I don't expect much from Eddie in the way of cutthroat backstabbing game play. But I do expect him to say Sthurvivor a lot. And isn't that just as satisfying? I mean, sthatisfying.
So, what do you think of Eddie? Does he have sthaying power? Can he lasth in the game? Comment it out.
Posted by Colette Lala at 2:19 PM
Labels: eddie fox, survivor, survivor 26, survivor blog, survivor caramoan
2 comments:
Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)


text:
Jewish World Review Feb. 21, 2003 / 19 Adar I, 5763
Eve Tushnet
For her own good: Sterilizing the poor
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | In the United States, doctors are often viewed as heroes. In a nation that skids erratically from pluralism to relativism, physical health is one of the few values most of us can agree on. Television shows from "Marcus Welby, MD" to "Scrubs" have played on the sympathy and respect we have for doctors. And the doctors generally live up to our expectations--they sacrifice time and rest in order to heal the sick and the injured. They earn the authority we give them.
I wonder what Obdulia thinks of doctors now. Obdulia is a 21-year-old Mexican woman of Tzotzil Indian heritage. One day she went to the nearest health center, complaining of abdominal pain. The doctors recommended surgery; accepting their authority, she assented.
When the surgery was over, she was unable to bear any more children.
Obdulia told the National Catholic Register that her doctors, by performing an unwanted tubal ligation, had snuffed her dreams of having more children. And she is not alone. Throughout the world, women are lied to, pressured, and subtly or not so subtly coerced into unwanted sterilizations and other contraceptive procedures. And just as in the coerced sterilizations that continued in the United States until the 1970s, poor women and members of minority ethnic groups are targeted. Conservative humorist P.J. O'Rourke has described the population-control mentality as, "Just enough of me... way too many of you"; Obdulia's doctors proved him right.
Coerced sterilization happens all over the world. But opponents of the practice got a lucky break when two Mexican human rights organizations--one governmental, one not--released twin reports condemning the sterilizations in that country. The government report, released December 16, charged that more than 400 women had been sterilized against their will, and that coerced sterilizations or contraception (for example, IUD insertion) have occurred in every one of Mexico's 31 states. Mexico's forthright behavior contrasts to the response of the United Nations Population Fund (known as UNFPA), which suppressed a report showing that Brazilian clinics supported by the Fund had pressured women into various contraceptive methods. The report, when leaked to the Register, revealed unprepared health care workers who spoke of their clientele in contemptuous terms, refusing to listen to the women they supposedly served.
In Mexico, too, the UNFPA got its hands dirty; it was involved in the planning of Mexico's birth control program, funded it, and took on responsibility for monitoring and evaluating the program. Yet its evaluations managed to miss Obdulia and all the women like her.
These reports should come as no surprise. The driving force behind the population-control movement is the belief that poverty is best alleviated by reducing the birthrate of the poor; one of the many problems with this diagnosis is that poor women often disagree with it. (Economist Amartya Sen has laid out many of the other flaws of a poverty-fighting strategy that focuses on population control in his 1994 article, "Population: Delusion and Reality." The short version is, focusing on more direct paths to economic growth--like providing people with educational opportunities and better overall health care--is more effective and far less likely to foster coercion.)
When a group that commands both authority and power disagrees with the wishes of a group that commands neither, who do you think will win? Population controllers have won the support--active or tacit--of governments around the world (another reason the Mexico report is so important), and, of course, they have an entire UN fund to play with. In 1961-2, Stanley Milgram ran a now-notorious experiment in which he found that people would obey white-coated instructors even when it violated their own conscience and impulses of kindness: The instructors ordered subjects to administer fake "electric shocks" to actors who writhed in pain, cried out, and even pleaded that they had life-threatening heart conditions.
Two-thirds of Milgram's subjects administered what they were told were 450-volt shocks, even though they could see and hear the "agonized victim." If scientific authority figures could command that much authority over the university-town populace from which Milgram drew his subjects, it is easy to see how educated doctors could pressure peasant women into getting unwanted IUDs, or threaten poor women with cutoff of emergency aid if they do not get sterilized.
Population control, because it so often goes against the preferences of the poor (unlike programs that promote small-scale entrepreneurship, provide poor people with access to technological innovations, help peasants market their goods, or offer a chance at an education), fosters rule by experts rather than self-determination. It tries to alleviate poverty by giving poor people less control over their own futures, not more. This is absolutely backwards, and much more likely to engender the fatalism that keeps people poor than the hope and determination that helps them exit poverty.
In fact, population control is a classic case of the problem with rule by experts. Expertise is distinguished from wisdom in that it concerns knowing a great deal about how to achieve one possible good, whereas wisdom concerns the proper ordering of goods. Experts know a lot about a little thing; but because of their sharp focus on one problem, they can become subject to myopia, and fail to see the ways in which their good conflicts with other, more important goods like liberty and responsibility. This potential problem of expertise is made much, much more likely when the experts are far removed from the consequences of their failures. It is made almost inevitable when the experts have even a hint of contempt for the people whose lives they presume to guide. In population control, all these factors together create a dangerous and deeply sad situation.
The United States government and US human rights supporters must be vocal in their condemnations of any population programs shown to be abusive. More importantly, though, we must approach all population programs with intense skepticism. We must maintain this attitude of mistrust for two reasons: First, because it is only due to that skepticism that programs will be investigated and abuses uncovered (especially since the coerced women are among the segments of the populace least likely to complain of mistreatment). Second, because the structure of the population control movement--its focus on population over poverty, and its designers' distance from the lives of the people they affect--and the vulnerability of the target population make abuse so likely.
The reports from Mexico should not be a surprise. They could have been predicted by anyone who has studied the history, logic, and structure of the population control movement.
Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
02/11/02: Behind the Masks: What horror movies tell us about our culture


text:
The Keweenaw Bay Indian Community takes great pride in the fact that Indian Casino Gaming began on our Reservation. In 1982 the Keweenaw Bay Indian Community Tribal Council issued a license to open a casino to Tribal member Fred Dakota. On December 31, 1982 Mr. Dakota opened his casino on our Reservation. After many legal battles Mr. Dakota was forced to close his Casino but his effort allowed the Tribal Council to open a Tribal Casino in 1984. Other Tribes followed and Tribal Casino Gaming spread across the country. Thanks to the foresight and leadership of members of our Community, Indian Casino Gaming today is a 20 Billion Dollar industry that provides jobs, resources, and educational opportunities for Native American people across the United States.
The Community had been successfully operating and self-regulating their gaming for several years prior to the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act (IGRA) being passed into law. Once IGRA was passed in 1988, the Tribe worked together with other Michigan Tribes in negotiating a Compact with the State of Michigan and developed a Tribal Gaming Ordinance. The Tribe adopted the Minimum Internal Control Standards of the National Indian Gaming Commission, developed their own Tribal Internal Control Standards, and a complete Written Internal Control System.
The Tribal Council operated as the Gaming Commission under the Tribal Gaming Ordinance making sure that all laws were followed and fair and honest games were maintained. In 2006 the Council passed a Gaming Commission Ordinance that allowed for a Gaming Commission independent of the tribal Council. A new Gaming Regulatory Ordinance was also passed at that time. On July 13, 2006 the Tribal Council appointed three new Gaming Commissioners to three year terms. The three new Commissioners came on board August 1, 2006 and were put into intensive training for a two month period including a Gaming Commissioner Certification training put on by the National Indian Gaming Association. On October 1, 2006 the new Certified Commissioners took office.


text:
The Newbie's Guide to Publishing Book. Now available on Kindle for $2.99.
I'm a pretty tech savvy guy, but when I decided to turn my blog, A Newbie's Guide to Publishing, into an ebook, I knew I was in over my head. This was a hefty project, weighing in at 370,000 words. Besides getting it properly compiled and formatted, I also wanted a linkable table of contents. Though I know my way around HTML, I simply didn't have the skills to do it on my own.
So I turned to Rob Siders for help. Rob did a terrific job putting the ebook together. It was an incredibly difficult and complicated task to format this ebook (and he did it twice--once for Kindle, and once in pdf available as a freebie on my website) so I asked Rob if I could interview him to describe the process.
Rob, tell us a little about your background.
Rob Siders: When people ask what I do I always answer, "I write books that nobody ever, ever reads: software manuals!"
The long answer is I'm a technical writer who writes and produces at least a dozen computer how-to books every year for a Denver software company. Each one of those books, then, gets ported to one electronic format or another, whether to PDF (for offline use) or to XHTML (for online use). My days as a professional writer, however, stretch back to 1999.
Beyond that, when I'm not being a husband and new Dad, I'm currently in the muddy middle of writing novel number two.
Joe: Is Kindle difficult to format for?
Rob: Heh heh. You'd think it'd be a piece of cake… upload your book and let Amazon Digital Platform do the rest. But anytime you take your native document and try to automagically convert it to something else then you're sort of going on faith, hoping the thing that emerges on the other side resembles what it once was.
The Kindle conversion, presumably because it's a new tool, chokes on some of the things that Microsoft Word just does, like tabs, page breaks and curly quotes. We hardly think of those things as advanced formatting. So, as it goes, the more complexity you have in your document's formatting, the more fits Amazon's automated conversion is going to give you.
Take, for example, The Newbie's Guide to Publishing Book. It's a thousand pages with a table of contents, some pictures, and a bunch of hyperlinks. These are things Word does well and with ease. Click a button, and voila! You have a table of contents! Type a URL and Word makes it a clickable link. Want those pictures? Easy. Just copy and paste them.
But these things just kill a Kindle conversion.
What's more is that the Kindle format's file output is a very rudimentary version of HTML, which isn't that difficult to learn or work with, but when you're talking about a novel-length manuscript… that's a lot of code to sort through if you need to clean things up. And odds are pretty good that you will need to clean things up.
To give you another example, TNGTP's table of contents is almost 900 lines of HTML code after conversion to the Kindle format. The whole book is more than 30,000 lines of HTML code after conversion. It's an inelegant way to look at your work.
Joe: Do you have any tips for newbie writers trying to upload their ebooks?
Rob: Absolutely… keep your source document simple. As you know, formatting a manuscript –– wide margins, double spacing, 25 lines per page, and name, title and page number in the header –– is a great practical presentation to an agent or editor you're trying to attract to your book. After all, you want to look like a pro even if you're not. Especially if you're not.
But, again, that kind of stuff causes problems with Amazon's converter. At minimum, you should have two versions of your manuscript: one with as much rich formatting as is needed to present to agents or editors, and one that's relatively barebones for Kindle (even then be prepared to do some futzing with it before you click the Publish button).
Joe: If a newbie is looking to hire someone to help them format, what are some of the things they should look for? Questions they should ask?
Rob: Well, there's a guy in Denver who's really top-shelf! But seriously, if I were looking to hire someone for something like this I'd want someone who's experienced and who understands what my needs are. I'd also want someone who's accustomed to deadlines and who can turn out professional results.
Joe: How much do you charge for a Kindle conversion?
Rob: It really depends on the size and scope of the project, but budget a couple hundred dollars for fiction. Double that for non-fiction or picture books, because of the advanced text formatting, tables of contents, and image optimizing.
Joe: How should people send you their manuscripts?
Rob: Microsoft Word files are best, but I can convert PDFs, too. If all you have are hardcovers or paperbacks or paper versions of your manuscript, I can handle those conversions, too. It just takes a little longer and costs a bit more.
Joe: What are your predictions about the future of ebooks? Are we heading to an era where publishers are no longer needed?
Rob: Oooh. These are tasty ones. Back in the 90s, before I was a pro writer, I ran record stores for a small, Midwest-based independent chain that doesn't exist now. This was an interesting time to be in that business: everyone was expanding as CD sales fueled enormous growth. Labels were signing anyone who wore a guitar. But I remember as plain as day having three interactions, at different times, during that tenure.
The first was in 1993-ish. I was running one of the company's college-town stores. The campus was completely connected through a VAX system, which was the same system our stores used. The systems were closed to each other, of course, but they were basically using the same technology. One afternoon at a manager's meeting, I mused at how great it would be if the students could search our catalog database and place a special order or hold for a CD from a campus computer lab or their dorm rooms. The other managers looked at me like I had three heads.
For the second interaction, jump forward to sometime in 1996. A customer wanted a CD we didn't normally carry and asked whether I thought Amazon.com had it. I didn't own a computer at that point and had never seen the Internet (let alone the Amazon Web site), but I'd read enough stuff in the record industry trade magazines to know what she was talking about. I remember feeling threatened by her question.
The third interaction, in 1998, was with an employee who worked for me. He raved to me about the mp3 format… its compression, its virtually imperceptible loss in fidelity, and how you could, if you knew where to look, download off the Internet for free just about anything we carried in the store. I went home after work and learned more about it and quickly understood that the industry I loved was about to get clobbered.
Now, back to your questions… I don't think we're in any serious danger of losing analog books anytime soon. There're too many people like you and me and your readers who really love books. I'm talking deep, soulful connections to books and the stories they contain. In that respect, music lovers and book lovers are truly cut from the same cloth.
But the parallels between the publishing biz now and the record biz a decade ago couldn't be clearer. And it's not just the pervasiveness of digital products and their associated devices. It's also the way in which the Internet allows producers, artists, whatever you want to call them, to make their work available to people and then build a following. There's a place for publishing companies and record labels, but producers and consumers can go around them now in ways that evolve faster than traditional companies can. The band Panic at the Disco got discovered on MySpace. Comedian Dane Cook used social networking to catapult himself from the club circuit to Madison Square Garden. New York Times best-selling horror novelist Scott Sigler got there by first serializing his books and releasing them as free podcasts. Of course, these people have extraordinary results. But, like you, they promote the hell out of themselves, then and now, without necessarily relying on a giant corporation's money or help.
I think, even though it's been underway a while, we're just beginning to see the publishing industry's clobbering. They're fighting it like the music industry did (and continues to do in some ways). But, until they figure out how to adapt, it's a fight they're going to lose.
Joe: Thanks for your insights, Rob, and for the great job you did with Newbie's Guide.
If you're an author with a backlist and want to get your work up on Kindle, even if the only thing you have is a paperback copy, I suggest contacting Rob. And if you've tried uploading to Kindle yourself and got frustrated because your book looked like crap, Rob can help with that, too.
Visit him at http://www.52novels.com/kindle_services and tell him I sent you.
And if you find my blog helpful, feel free to pick up a Kindle copy of The Newbie's Guide to Publishing Book. If you don't have a Kindle, download the free Kindle for iPhone app. If you don't have an iPhone/iPod/iPad, you can get Kindle for Blackberry, or Kindle for PC, for free.
You can also get the free PDF of this ebook at JAKonrath.com. If you feel guilty about getting 1100 pages of my blood, sweat, and tears for free, there is also a Paypal link for donations. Whoever donates the most will have a character named after them in SHAKEN, the seventh Jack Daniels book, being released this winter. I can't say who the publisher is yet (I signed a non-disclosure agreement), but I'll be making the announcement soon.
Depending on the turnout, you might win with just a fifty cent donation. Who knows? So donate early, donate often.
(The savvy among you might realize I'm doing this as another experiment. Micropatronage, or crowd funding, is a way for artists to make money while releasing work for free. How much money? We'll see...)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)