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Pair-wise normalized linkage disequilibrium (D′) and correlation (r2, in parentheses) coefficients between the 6 loci (boxed) in a Finnish sample (A) and in a Southwestern Native American population (B). Coefficients with P<.05 are in bold font. Cen indicates centromere; and tel, telomere.
(A) Chromosome 5q34 GABAA gene cluster fine structure and (B) haplotype-based localization of alcohol dependence to the 5q34 GABAA gene cluster: trimmed-haplotype test results. The P values correspond to the inter–single nucleotide polymorphism location for the putative alcohol-dependence susceptibility locus. Cen indicates centromere; SWNA, Southwestern Native Americans; and Tel, telomere.
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Radel M, Vallejo RL, Iwata N, et al. Haplotype-Based Localization of an Alcohol Dependence Gene to the 5q34 γ-Aminobutyric Acid Type A Gene Cluster. Arch Gen Psychiatry. 2005;62(1):47–55. doi:10.1001/archpsyc.62.1.47
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Pharmacobehavioral and pharmacogenetic evidence links γ-aminobutyric acid type A (GABAA) receptors and chromosomal regions containing GABAA receptor genes to ethanol-related responses. The GABAA gene cluster on chromosome 5q34 is of particular interest in the genetics of alcohol dependence because of the γ2 subunit requirement for ethanol's modulatory action on GABAA receptors, previous linkage findings in mice and humans implicating both GABRA6 and GABRG2, and reported associations of GABRA6, GABRB2, and GABRG2 alleles with alcohol dependence.
To determine whether variation at the 5q34 GABAA gene cluster is implicated in differential susceptibility to alcohol dependence.
Two large psychiatrically interviewed samples, a Southwestern Native American population sample (N = 433) and a Finnish sample (N = 511) with alcohol-dependent subjects and unaffected individuals, were genotyped for 6 single nucleotide polymorphisms at the 5q34 GABAA gene cluster. In addition to sib-pair linkage and case-control association analyses, linkage disequilibrium mapping with haplotypes was used.
Sib-pair linkage of GABRG2 to alcohol dependence was observed in Finns (P = .008). Association of the GABRB2 1412T allele with alcohol dependence was detected in both populations (Finns, P = .01; Southwestern Native Americans, P = .008), and the GABRA6 1519T allele was associated in both Finns (P = .01) and Southwestern Native Americans (P = .03). Linkage disequilibrium mapping with 3-locus haplotypes yielded evidence for an alcohol-dependence locus at the GABAA gene cluster region in both populations. The most highly significant signals were at 3-locus haplotypes that included 1 or more GABRA6 polymorphisms, with the peak signal at a GABRA6 3-locus haplotype (Finns, empirical P = .004; Southwestern Native Americans, empirical P = .02).
We detected sib-pair linkage of 5q34 GABAA receptor genes to alcohol dependence in Finns and found association both in Finns and in Southwestern Native Americans. In both populations, the haplotype localization implicates the region containing the Pro385Ser GABRA6 polymorphism and 2 other polymorphisms at GABRA6.
Alcohol dependence ("alcoholism") is a common (10% in men, 4% in women),1 genetically influenced disorder with heritability estimates ranging from 40% to 60%.2-4 The vulnerability/protective alleles for alcoholism represent both the pharmacokinetic (detected and widely replicated) and the pharmacodynamic (detected but still putative) domains. A substantial part of the genetic component of variance in alcoholism vulnerability is substance specific, that is, not cross-inherited with vulnerability to other drugs.5 Such genetic epidemiological data implicate genes that are relatively substance specific. Although a few substance-specific polymorphisms have already been isolated in the pharmacokinetic genetic risk domain (ie, in genes coding for aldehyde dehydrogenase type 26 and for alcohol dehydrogenase type 27), they are common in East Asians but not in most other populations. Pharmacodynamic-specific gene targets for predisposition to alcohol dependence include the genes that encode receptors at which ethanol (alcohol) first acts in the brain and that may act as gatekeepers in alcohol response.
γ-Aminobutyric acid (GABA) is the major inhibitory neurotransmitter in the mammalian central nervous system8 and exerts most of its actions at GABA type A (GABAA) receptors, which are ligand-gated chloride-channel complexes. γ-Aminobutyric acid type A receptor complexes are generally heteropentamers composed of genetically distinct subunits; 16 related mammalian subunits have been reported.9,10 The human GABAA receptor subunit genes are grouped into 7 classes (α, β, γ, δ, ε, π, and θ).10 Within these classes, protein sequence identity is approximately 70% (ie, α1-α6, β1-β3, or γ1-γ3) and protein sequence identity is approximately 30% between classes. Most of the human GABAA receptor subunit genes have been assigned to chromosome regions, and subunit gene clusters have been identified on chromosomes 4, 5, 15, and X.10 Because of the number of subunits, the diversity of expressed GABAA receptor pentamers is large and would be larger except that these receptors are usually assembled from defined proportions of α, β, and γ subunits and except that there is considerable variation in the localization and developmental timing of expression of the different subunits.11-14 The most abundant subunit combinations observed so far are α1β2γ2, α2β3γ2, and α3β3γ2, which make up about 80% of all GABAA receptors. The receptors containing a α1β2γ2 combination, believed to assemble following the coordinated expression of GABRA1, GABRB2, and GABRG2 genes on 5q34, constitute the major GABAA receptor subtype in the adult central nervous system (about 50%), have been identified in neurons at all levels of the neuraxis, and are believed to mediate the basic pharmacological spectrum of the classical, high-affinity BZ site ligands, except CL 218872.12,15 A variety of central nervous system–depressant drugs that show cross-tolerance, including ethanol, benzodiazepines, and barbiturates, as well as inhalant anesthetics and some endogenous neuroactive steroids, positively modulate the GABAA receptors.8,16-18 Many behavioral effects of ethanol (eg, anxiolytic, ataxic, and sedative/hypnotic) may be explained by allosteric enhancement of GABAA receptor–mediated ionic influx and consequent hyperpolarization of the neuronal membrane.8 Agents that increase GABAA receptor activity in the central nervous system by acting as GABA positive modulators (ie, benzodiazepines, barbiturates, and depressant steroids) enhance acute sensitivity to ethanol and maintain ethanol preference, whereas drugs that act as GABA antagonists at GABAA receptors, such as picrotoxin, decrease many acute actions of ethanol and reduce ethanol preference.19 In addition, signs of ethanol withdrawal are diminished following treatments with those GABA agonists that increase GABAA receptor function, whereas GABA antagonists at GABAA receptors increase such signs.19 Effects of ethanol on GABAA receptor function and expression make the GABAA receptor subunit genes excellent candidates for vulnerability to alcohol dependence.20,21 In addition, genetic differences in the ethanol sensitivity of GABAA receptors were observed in short-sleep and long-sleep mice that differ in the sedative response to ethanol. Differential γ subunit function was observed between the 2 lines, which has been proposed as a critical determinant of individual differences in ethanol sensitivity.22 In BxD RI strains and other rodent genetic stocks, quantitative trait loci for sensitization of locomotor activation by ethanol and for predisposition to acute ethanol withdrawal map to the region containing the gene cluster that includes the γ2 and α6 subunit genes (gabrg2 and gabra6), and all of the mouse GABAA subunit gene clusters appear to have ethanol response–associated quantitative trait loci nearby.23 In the mouse, the Ala11Thr variant of the γ2 subunit correlates with acute ethanol withdrawal severity,24 and in the rat, an α6 Arg100Gln amino acid substitution that differentiates alcohol tolerant and nontolerant has been reported to alter response to benzodiazepines.25
In the human, preliminary linkage findings have also indicated that variation in GABAA receptor subunit genes plays a role in differential vulnerability to alcohol dependence, and a specific polymorphism of the α6 subunit gene (ie, GABRA6) encoding an amino acid substitution (Pro385Ser) was implicated.26 As measured by slowing of saccadic eye movement velocity, sons of alcoholics appear to have diminished sensitivity to benzodiazepines as compared with young men who are at lower risk for alcohol dependence, leading to the proposal that differences in the expression or function of GABAA receptors alter vulnerability to alcohol dependence.27 In these same subjects, the GABAA α6 subunit Pro385Ser polymorphism was shown to predict benzodiazepine sensitivity.28
When ethanol itself is administered as a drug challenge, decreased intoxication, motor effects, and hormonal responses are observed in sons of alcoholics,29 which has been extensively replicated. In a 15-year follow-up study of 450 men, Schuckit30,31 showed that low level of response to alcohol in young adulthood is a predictor of later alcoholism. The risk attributable to the level of response is substantial (approximately 40% of the variance in vulnerability), largely independent of family history, and largely unshared with other drugs of abuse.31 By selective genotyping of a subsample of this same cohort, Schuckit et al26 found preliminary evidence that the GABAA α6 Pro385Ser amino acid substitution is associated both with alcohol sensitivity and with increased risk for alcohol dependence. Associations of markers at the 5q34 GABAA gene cluster have also been reported in Scottish,32 German,33 and Japanese34 samples.
Here we report both locus-based linkage analyses in sib pairs and allele-based localization by association using GABAA haplotypes in this Finnish population and in a second semi-isolated population of Southwestern Native Americans.
Subjects were selected from 2 semi-isolated populations: a Finnish population and a Southwestern Native American population.
A total of 511 psychiatrically interviewed Finns included 110 alcoholic offender probands, 277 relatives, and 124 unrelated controls.35 Participants were studied under a human research protocol approved by the institutional review board of the National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, Md; the National Institute of Mental Health, Bethesda; Office for Protection from Research Risks, Bethesda; the University of Helsinki Department of Psychiatry institutional review board, Helsinki, Finland; and the University of Helsinki Central Hospital institutional review board. All subjects were 17 years or older and provided written informed consent.
The probands were male criminal offenders undergoing forensic psychiatric evaluation as inpatients in the Department of Psychiatry, University of Helsinki. Therefore, the sample is enriched for the early-onset form of alcoholism associated with impulsivity and antisocial behaviors, so-called type II.36 Recently, it has become recognized that in addition to scoring high in novelty seeking (as hypothesized by Cloninger36), such alcoholics also tend to have higher harm avoidance and anxiety,37 and these particular alcoholics were above the norm for harm avoidance measured on the Tridimensional Personality Scale Questionnaire (data not shown).
A total of 110 women and 167 male relatives were ascertained through the index cases. There were 275 sib pairs among whom 82 sib pairs were concordant for alcoholism (DSM-III-R38 alcohol dependence), 64 were discordant, and 129 were unaffected. The 124 unaffected controls were unrelated healthy Finnish male volunteers recruited through local newspaper advertisements. Controls were also psychiatrically interviewed (Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-III-R38) and were paid for their participation. Controls were in a good state of general health as established by physical examination, erythrocyte and lymphocyte indices, liver enzyme and thyroid hormone levels, and serum electrolyte and creatinine concentrations.
The Southwestern Native American sample (N = 433) was collected without proband ascertainment bias for a family-based study on alcoholism and related psychiatric disorders.39 The human research protocol was approved by the tribal council and by the institutional review board of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, National Institutes of Health. All subjects provided written informed consent. Subjects were ascertained based on familial relationship; both the original selection of the families and the later recruitment of subjects were performed blind to diagnoses. Participants were members of the same genealogy, older than 21 years, in general good health, and eligible for tribal enrollment (ie, with at least one fourth tribal heritage).
The 433 psychiatrically interviewed Southwestern Native Americans included 192 individuals affected with alcoholism (DSM-III-R38 alcohol dependence) and 241 unaffected individuals. There were 419 sib pairs, which included 188 sib pairs concordant for alcoholism, 168 discordant, and 63 unaffected. Use of the tribal name and exact reservation location is avoided because these details are unnecessary for the analyses set out here.
The Finns were interviewed using the Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-III-R38 by 2 psychiatrists in the Department of Psychiatry, University of Helsinki. Diagnoses were made independently and blindly by the 2 psychiatrists under the supervision of a senior research psychiatrist and according to criteria from the DSM-III-R.38 The Southwestern Native Americans were interviewed using the Schedule for Affective Disorders and Schizophrenia–Lifetime Version by a psychologist experienced in psychiatric assessment with this and other Native American populations. Diagnoses for alcoholism and other psychiatric disorders according to criteria from the DSM-III-R38 were based on the interview data; medical, educational, court, and other records; and corroborative information from family members. Diagnoses were made by 2 blind raters: a clinical social worker and a clinical psychologist. Diagnostic differences were resolved in a consensus conference that included a senior psychiatrist experienced in diagnosis in Native American people.
In the Finnish sample, 1 patient was excluded because of chronic schizophrenia. No patient was excluded from the Southwestern Native American population sample.
Six polymorphisms at 3 GABAA receptor genes clustered on the long arm of human chromosome 5 were genotyped blind to diagnoses by polymerase chain reaction–restriction fragment length polymorphism analysis: GABRA6 1031G>C40; GABRA6 1236C>T (Pro385Ser)28; GABRA6 1519T>C33; GABRB2 1412C>T33; GABRG2 IVS9 + 99C>A41 (NCBI rs211014); and GABRG2 IVS10 + 3145A>G41 (NCBI rs211013). GenBank accession numbers for GABRA6, GABRB2, and GABRG2 are GABRA6, number S81944; GABRB2, number S67368; and GABRG2, number NM000816.
The primer pairs listed in Table 1 were used to amplify genomic DNA isolated from Epstein-Barr virus–immortalized lymphoblastoid cell lines. Each 25-μL polymerase chain reaction volume contained 50 to 100 ng of genomic DNA, 50 pmol of each primer, 0.125mM deoxyribonucleoside-5"-triphosphates (PerkinElmer, Fremont, Calif), and 1 unit of TaqGold (PerkinElmer) DNA polymerase. The final reaction volume also contained 10mM Tris base pH 9, 50mM potassium chloride (KCl), 1.5mM magnesium chloride (MgCl2), 0.1% Triton X-100 (PerkinElmer), and 0.01% gelatin. The reactions were performed using a hot-start procedure: TaqGold DNA polymerase was activated only after a first denaturation step of 12 minutes at 95°C. Amplifications were carried out using a modified step-down thermocycling procedure.42 A 12-μL volume of each amplicon was digested with the appropriate restriction enzyme (New England Biolabs, Beverly, Mass) (Table 1) according to the manufacturer's specifications. The digested products were electrophoresed in 10% 1X TBE polyacrylamide gels, at 100 V for 1.5 hours at room temperature. Gels were stained with ethidium bromide and photographed under UV light.
Genotypes were read by 2 independent raters blind to diagnoses and were checked for mendelian segregation. Discrepant genotypes were regenotyped. The error rate was estimated to be less than 1%.
Differences in allele and genotype frequencies and deviation of genotypes from Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium were evaluated using the χ2 test and the Fisher exact test for Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium, which is implemented in the computer program MENDEL version 5.0.43 Extreme cases of population admixture and/or stratification can be detected by marked departure from Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium. Evidence for population heterogeneity or admixture was further evaluated using the computer programs LINKMAP from the LINKAGE package version 5.244 and HOMOG.45 Population stratification was also evaluated using a variance-components approach that compares the between- and within-family components of association,46,47 which is implemented in the computer program QTDT version 220.127.116.11
Pair-wise linkage disequilibrium coefficients (D), normalized linkage disequilibrium (D′, D divided by the maximum possible value of D), and correlation coefficients (r2, the squared total linkage disequilibrium divided by the product of the allelic frequencies at both loci) were estimated with MLOCUS.48,49 Significance levels were estimated from the χ2 distribution.
The only phenotype analyzed was DSM-III-R38 alcohol dependence. Two-point linkage analysis was conducted using the nonparametric sib-pair regression method,50 as programmed in the Sibpal module of the S.A.G.E. package.51 Haplotype association and localization was performed with TRIMHAP, a family-based haplotype test for linkage disequilibrium.52 First, the 6 5q34 marker genotypes were used to estimate marker haplotypes for all pedigree members using GENEHUNTER.53 Afterwards, TRIMHAP was used to define a subset of markers that were feasible as ancestral haplotypes and to determine identity by descent within the pedigrees. For each 3-locus haplotype in the sample, a haplotype-sharing score was calculated. TRIMHAP determined the category of each haplotype, added it to the trimmed-haplotype table, and constructed the sum of haplotype-sharing scores over all categories. The empirical P values for the trimmed-haplotype statistic were estimated using 10 000 replicate samples generated by permutation bootstrapping. A feature of replicate samples constructed using a permutation scheme is that replicates are formed assuming the null hypothesis H0 of linkage but linkage disequilibrium is true.
The use of this method, which is a family-based test, also addresses the issue of association analysis of affected and unaffected individuals who share some degree of relationship, which is the case in the Southwestern Native American population sample.
Reflecting the semi-isolated nature of both populations, the Finns and the Southwestern Native Americans differed in allele frequencies, in 6-locus haplotype frequencies, and in overall patterns of linkage disequilibrium across the 5q34 GABAA cluster region (Figure 1). Within both populations, there were no significant deviations of genotypic distributions from Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium for all the polymorphisms in study. For both populations, there is no evidence of population heterogeneity or admixture.
Consistent with an autosomal linkage scan previously performed,54 sib-pair linkage of GABRG2 to alcohol dependence was observed in Finns (P = .008), although not in Southwestern Native Americans. Association of the GABRB2 1412T allele with alcohol dependence was detected in both Finns (P = .01) (Table 2) and Southwestern Native Americans (P = .008) (Table 3), and the GABRA6 1519T allele was also associated with alcohol dependence in both Finns (P = .01) (Table 2) and Southwestern Native Americans (P = .03) (Table 3).
Linkage disequilibrium mapping with haplotypes yielded evidence for an alcohol dependence locus in the GABAA gene cluster region in both populations (Table 4 and Figure 2). For Finns, the most highly significant signals were at 3-locus haplotypes that included GABRA6 polymorphisms, with the peak signal at a 3-locus haplotype with the 3 GABRA6 polymorphisms (empirical P = .004). Results were also significant at haplotypes that included combinations of GABRA6 1236C>T, GABRA6 1519T>C, GABRG2 IVS9 + 99C>A, and GABRG2 IVS10 + 3415A>G polymorphisms (empirical P = .01 to .03). For Southwestern Native Americans, the most highly significant signal was also at a haplotype that included the 3 GABRA6 polymorphisms (empirical P = .02). Results were also significant at a haplotype that included the GABRB2 1412C>T, GABRA6 1031G>C, and GABRA6 1236C>T polymorphisms (empirical P = .01).
Alcohol dependence has recently been the object of both positional cloning, or "reverse genetics," and candidate gene, or "forward genetics," approaches for gene mapping. Roles in alcoholism vulnerability for alcohol metabolic gene polymorphisms have been validated and reviewed,21,55 but these loci contribute a substantial portion of the variance in risk only in the Southeast Asian populations in which they are abundant. These findings, achieved by forward genetics, were made by relating functional alleles to alcohol pharmacokinetics to phenotype. On the other hand, positional cloning in humans56,57 and rodents58-60 has yielded loci, several at least partially replicated, but not determinant alleles. Successes in other complex diseases, such as breast cancer61 and Alzheimer disease,62 clearly indicate that a combination of mapping methods can lead to the discovery of vulnerability alleles.
Both the positional cloning and the candidate gene paradigms that have been applied to the genetics of ethanol-related behaviors in humans20,21,55 and rodent genetic models58-60 have produced convergent evidence implicating the region (5q34 in humans) containing a GABAA receptor gene cluster.20,21 These studies have focused further interest on genetic variation in GABAA receptors, which had already been implicated by pharmacobehavioral and receptor-pharmacology data as potential gatekeepers in ethanol response.9,10 Furthermore, locus-based linkage evidence in the Finnish sample studied here positionally implicated the chromosome 5q34 region in alcohol dependence.54 The allele-based associations we observed both in Finns and in Southwestern Native Americans narrow the region, so that it seems the linkage signals emanate from the GABAA gene cluster itself. Since the GABAA cluster spans more than 700 kilobases and includes 4 receptor subunit genes, we applied haplotype-based localization to further narrow the location of the risk gene, and we found the α6 Pro385Ser amino acid polymorphism positioned within the signal peak.
Semi-isolated populations with relatively smaller sizes, low ethnic diversity, and more homogeneous environments are invaluable in the genetic analysis of complex disorders because reduction in genetic and environmental heterogeneity facilitates the identification of specific factors that affect vulnerability.63 Since alcohol dependence is a complex disorder with diverse genetic and environmental contributions, we decided to study samples from 2 semi-isolated populations with well-defined genetic compositions and relatively homogeneous environments (ie, Finns and members of a Southwestern Native American population). In addition, because of founder effects and reduced population size, linkage disequilibrium in such populations is enhanced, leading to conservation of haplotypes containing disease alleles.64,65 The strategy was to increase the odds of finding out whether genetic changes in the 5q34 GABAA gene cluster have a role in the susceptibility to alcohol dependence. In addition to the testing for significant departure from Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium, which occurs in more extreme cases of population admixture and/or stratification and which was not detected in either population, the results from the tests that were used for detection of more subtle population heterogeneity or admixture and for population stratification confirmed the low genetic heterogeneity for both populations.
In this study, there were several instances where we found allele-based association in the absence of sib-pair linkage of the same phenotype to the same locus, and we detected linkage of GABRG2 to alcohol dependence in the Finnish sample but not in the Southwestern Native American sample. The explanation for this disparity need not be a biological mechanism whereby allele-based associations could occur in populations in the absence of locus linkage in families.66 Sib-pair linkage may fail to detect linkage to loci of minor effect,67 whereas allele effects at these loci may be readily detectable by association.68
The results we obtained are convergent with previously published data, despite the ethnic diversity of the populations represented. The GABRA6 1519T and the GABRB2 1412T alleles were associated with alcohol dependence in both Finns and Southwestern Native Americans. The GABRA6 1519T associations are consistent with previous studies in a Scottish sample32 and a German sample.33 The GABRB2 1412T associations in Finns and Southwestern Native Americans are consistent with the Scottish population findings but not the German sample findings. Furthermore, although we found sib-pair linkage to GABRG2 in 1 population (Finns) and neither population showed association of alcohol dependence with GABRG2 alleles, association between alcoholism and GABRG2 IVS10 + 3145 G has been reported in a Japanese sample.34
In addition to sib-pair linkage and association analyses, we also applied a family-based haplotype localization strategy, which exploits the power of linkage disequilibrium to identify ancestrally related chromosomes that carry an allele that influences disease.52 The trimmed-haplotype statistic allows detecting linkage disequilibrium due to ancestral haplotypes, and the algorithm is designed to be repeated with the disease-susceptibility locus located at a grid of positions covering a chromosomal region in study. This method addressed the need of a family-based association test for related individuals in the Southwestern Native American sample and allowed the localization of a putative alcohol-dependence susceptibility locus within the 5q34 GABAA cluster, with the lowest P values implicating GABRA6 polymorphisms in both Finnish and Southwestern Native American population samples (Figure 2).
Several disease-vulnerability alleles have been shown to reside on characteristic haplotype backgrounds so that their detection would have been possible through association to ancestrally related haplotypes.69,70 Linkage disequilibrium coefficient estimates between alleles at the 6 loci in the 5q34 GABAA gene cluster did not clearly vary as a function of distance in either Finns or Southwestern Native Americans, nor did the correlation coefficients (Figure 1). Decoupling between the extent of linkage disequilibrium and physical distance can reflect a variety of complexities in the histories (eg, mutation, selection, genetic drift, and migration) of populations64,65,71,72 and can vary even within the same population from one chromosome region to the other.64,65
Given that our findings in these 2 semi-isolated populations, in conjunction with data in the literature, strongly implicate the 5q34 GABAA cluster in alcohol dependence, the next critical steps in evaluating the genes in this region are likely to be single nucleotide polymorphism genotyping across the 5q34 GABAA gene cluster and the identification of functional alleles that may influence gene expression and of alleles that alter receptor structure. Among the 5q34 GABAA receptor genes, GABRA6, which encodes the α6 subunit, is peculiar in showing selective expression in the cerebellum. It is implicated in alcohol dependence both by haplotype localization and by association with Ser385, a relatively abundant nonconservative missense variant, which may alter phosphorylation of the receptor protein.40 However, functionality of Ser385 or any other human GABAA subunit variant has yet to be demonstrated. For GABAA receptors, this challenge is complicated by the heteropentameric nature of the receptor channel (creating a potential need to express subunit alleles in different molecular contexts) and the possibility that differences in cellular environment can affect the ability of an allele to alter expression or protein posttranslational modification. Isolation of the vulnerability allele(s) located within the chromosome 5q GABAA gene complex will enable us to better understand interindividual variation in vulnerability to alcohol dependence and would lead to improvements in detection and treatment of at least a subset of patients with this common, debilitating disorder.
Correspondence: Marta Radel, MD, PhD, Bioconsult, 17702 Calabar Dr, Gaithersburg, MD 20877 (firstname.lastname@example.com).
Submitted for Publication: December 12, 2003; final revision received August 3, 2004; accepted August 19, 2004.
Funding/Support: This study was supported by grants from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, Md (Dr Goldman).
Acknowledgment: We would like to thank Longina Akhtar, MS, and Lisa Moore for their excellent technical assistance.
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Videos tagged with "lecture"
Bio-inspired Flying Robots for Future Cities
Imperial College London's Christmas Lecture 2016, this year given by Dr Mirko Kovac
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NSD 2016 - Dr Jennifer Quint
Using electronic healthcare records to study respiratory disease
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Professor Lidija Zdravkovic - Advanced geomechanics: hot, dehydrated and shaken
Professor Lidija Zdravkovic delivers her inaugural lecture on computationally modelling soils under extreme conditions to overcome our key geotechnical engineering challenges.
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Funding your studies - 2016 entry
Gerry Greyling, Head of Student Financial Support, gives a talk on funding your undergraduate studies at the June Undergraduate Open Day 2015
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Robin Carhart-Harris - Psychedelic drugs in science and medicine
Dr Robin Carhart-Harris describes his research with unusual compounds, which include the first ever functional brain imaging studies with LSD and magic mushrooms.
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Waterfowl of the Choptank River
Photographed in Cambridge Maryland
One of the major benefits of sharing photos online aside from seeing other's photos, is the amazing locations they share. One such location is found in the city of Cambridge Maryland along the Choptank River. A few years ago I began seeing some amazing photos consisting of mostly ducks from a few of my online friends and acquaintances. Shortly after I found out these photos were all coming from the same place. It turns out that during the winter in Cambridge, Maryland the locals really enjoy feeding these birds and the ducks become really used to people, allowing photographers some amazing opportunities.
During the past few winters I have wanted to make the 2.5 hour drive to check out this location but never got around to it. There was always something it seemed, uncooperative weather or just a busy schedule. Finally in March of 2015 I made my first trip and I can't wait to visit again!
The majority of the flock consists of Canvasback and Lesser/Greater Scaup. There are also good numbers of American Wigeon, Mallards and a few Redheads mixed in as well. During my first visit I was lucky enough to have a pair of beautiful Tundra Swans fly in and provide some wonderful photographic opportunities.
The winter is a great season due to the arrival of the waterfowl from places further north and the occasional ice accumulation on the Choptank River. When I visited almost the entire river was frozen over except for this one spot near the park which is why hundreds of ducks were all gathered in the one small area. A photographers dream.
I mostly photographed the birds sitting on the water. At times they would come so close to me that I couldn't even focus on them. I was able to get photos that shoed multiple birds as well as photos that were mostly the head of a single duck. The variety of birds and opportunity were marvelous. At times I would take a break from taking photos but it was really hard to stop since they were all so beautiful and cooperative. A situation that doesn't come up often for me.
It didn't happen too often while I was there but occasionally some of the ducks would fly which allowed for some great chances to capture these ducks in flight. A much more difficult challenge than photographing them sitting in the water but totally worth it when I would get a nice sharp photo. I was also lucky enough that the sun cooperated perfectly for me on that day. It was a mostly clear sky and the location of the birds had the sun behind me which was wonderful for the lighting. By the end of my roughly 3 hour visit with the ducks I had tallied up over 2,000 photos! It took a few days to edit through them all but even that part was fun.
If you happen to be lucky enough to live anywhere near this location I highly recommend taking the time to visit the beautiful and very friendly winter waterfowl in Cambridge Maryland.


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|"Stephen McDonald" <email@example.com>
|st: RE: RE: how to get tables into publishable format
|Mon, 3 Feb 2003 09:17:51 +1030
There are further inconsistencies in this command: the columns in the output tables of regression commands are separated by tabs after using Copy Table to copy and paste, but not columns from ANOVA tables which are, like the output of -table-, filled with spaces after the Copy Table command. Stephen McDonald -----Original Message----- From: email@example.com [mailto:email@example.com]On Behalf Of Philip Ryan Sent: Sunday, 2 February 2003 21:43 To: firstname.lastname@example.com Subject: st: RE: how to get tables into publishable format Stephen McDonald wrote: ================== You can also cut and paste using Shift-Ctrl-C (or the "copy table" function in the edit menu) once you have highlighted the table. This will put tab-delimited text into a Word document which can then be converted using relevant command in the "Table" menu of Word (exact command depends on which version). This works well for getting values across, but I usually need to "pretty-up" headings etc. ================== This is true for 2-way tables such as those produced by -tabulate-. But it does not work for 3-way tables produced by -table- (that is, tables that have a "supercolumn" variable defined). On executing a Copy-Table command and pasting into Word/Excel, the supercolumns are nicely separated by tabs, but the columns within the supercolumn are separated by spaces. So too are column totals and supercolumn totals should they be specified. All this makes a copy into Excel or Word needlessly tedious. Phil Philip Ryan Associate Professor Department of Public Health Medical School University of Adelaide Adelaide 5005 South Australia tel: +61 8 83033570 fax: +61 8 82234075 firstname.lastname@example.com http://www.public-health.adelaide.edu.au/ * * For searches and help try: * http://www.stata.com/support/faqs/res/findit.html * http://www.stata.com/support/statalist/faq * http://www.ats.ucla.edu/stat/stata/ * * For searches and help try: * http://www.stata.com/support/faqs/res/findit.html * http://www.stata.com/support/statalist/faq * http://www.ats.ucla.edu/stat/stata/
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In Part 1 of 2 in this "Don't Hire a Personal Trainer for Fat Loss" series I set out to define one simple thing: that in the fat loss adventure, when working with a personal FITNESS trainer (which is what we are) I have my roles and you have yours.
Let me go back and reiterate your roles as a client:
Your job:
1) Show up for your sessions. Seriously, if you can't get yourself into the door how the hell am I supposed to get you into shape??
2) Put your heart into the exercises I prescribe. When I ask if you think you could lift heavier, more explosive or just with better form…if you think you can, then answer yes and just do it!
3) Communicate things that may hurt while doing exercise. You're not a hero for "toughing it out"
4) Communicate discomfort in any situation (such as you ladies being around a bunch of 24-year-old gym monkeys that don't know how to act right around a lady)
5) Communicate things you really enjoy doing and or situations, things I do/can do that will motivate you to push harder
7) Get some sleep!
8) Lower your stress levels
My buddy Mitchell Wright over at www.homefitnessmanual.com left a very intriguing question/comment on the Part 1 blog:
"Adrian, how many clients seem to do their part from 1-8 on a regular basis?"
The short answer is not a single one does 100% of all of them. I've never met anyone that is perfect. Nor do I feel it's necessary. It's sorta the 80/20 rule. Get it right 80% of the time and you'll probably see 100% of the results you first sought out.
The way I truly look at most stuff in fitness is to "fix" my client's greatest weaknesses first (poor posture, not enough strength, poor cardiovascular shape, etc.) and then when I've made the rounds in what was once weakness I'm usually left working with a client who has become a badass. I joke sometimes but in truth it's not a joke: my girlfriend's mom could kick most of your asses! But it took me a while to get her there. And in the roles of who does what job, it was a hard thing for her for focus on her greatest weakness: food intake.
When she was able to work on that, bang, then came the greatest fat losses over shortest periods of time.
So when I say don't hire a personal fitness trainer for fat loss, I'm not being literal. 80% of people that walk in my door come to lose fat. What I am saying is I have my job and you have yours. Your biggest job is to get #6 right in the list above!
So how do you eat to accomplish fat loss?
Let me detour for just a short moment. And in case you couldn't tell this blog will be the uber blog. I intend to have to never answer the food question ever again. Basic guidance and tips, sure; that falls in my job description. I'm happy to tell you an apple is always better for fat loss than a banana.
People literally hire me to take them through a workout. You're paying $50-60 for a 60-90 minute workout session. Now, sure there's a lot that happens outside of that idea. Some life coaching, some psychologist work, some BFF cheering on, some smack-you-upside-the-head-when-you-need-it, and some education on many topics. But at the end of the day you pay me to take you through a workout you probably wouldn't push yourself through on your own. Right? You don't pay me to come home with you, cook your meals, watch you like a hawk to ensure you eat what you're supposed to when you're supposed to and my job surely isn't to spoon feed you…right? (For the record, no, you can't hire me for that job.) You have to feed you. You have to prep, cook, eat, and clean up after yourself.
Muscle breakdown, improvements of your fitness levels and small but important bump ups in your metabolic level happen in the gym.
Fat loss 100% does or 100% does not happen directly because of what you do in the kitchen. Ask any nutritionist, dietician, bodybuilder, bikini model and any athlete in any sport…they won't argue against this point. Ever. So I hope we're clear and I now hope to give some answers, options and clarity on the really important topic:
So how do you eat to accomplish fat loss?
I have a question for you: why isn't everyone doing P90X? Why is Crossfit still alive? Why haven't bodybuilders, yoga masters, professional MMA fighters and Vogue cover models all switched to P90X? It is the best, no? It works for every one in every situation, no?
Why is there Weight Watches, Jenny Craig, Dr. Bernstein, the Atkins Diet, the South Beach Diet, the HCG Diet? I mean, isn't Paleo the answer for absolutely everyone on the planet?
I'm being facetious for a reason. There are many, many, MANY ways to get you from point A to point B in your fat loss and fitness gain journey. What us personal fitness trainers know best is what works best for YOU, the client, is the nutritional strategy that you're most likely to stick with on the long term. I have my favorites but I'm not naïve enough to think they'll always work for absolutely everyone. Unfortunately, there is this unique thing called YOU and your personality quirks that have destroyed all of us fitness trainer's plans on becoming uber millionaires because of our genius discovery of the one, the only way to obtain as much fat loss as you desire. In just 3 easy installments of $99.99! Order today!!
I will say this at least 1000 times in my career: I only know what I see happen right in front of me. No certification, no expert, no scientific paper and no late-night infomercial squid is going to have me believe against what I've seen benefit my clients and help them achieve their goals. If you lost 50lbs and kept it off using the Jenny Craig system, as shit as I may personally feel that nutrition system is…it worked. Period. End of conversation. It worked for that client.
In the past 5 years and over 6000+ training sessions with a wide population base, here's what I've seen work, I will then leave it to you to go with your gut feeling as to which approach you feel will work best for you and that you can really get behind on the long term.
Category 1: The Choose This Not That Method
Who it's for: those who don't play well with others telling them what to do; in fact they generally revolt and do the opposite. If you tell these people that they can no longer eat their beloved peanut butter well to hell with you sir, I'm now going to eat double! For these folks, it's not about rules, it's about better choices. It's not about that "you must never have an ounce of caffeine or you'll ruin your entire body" nonsense, it's about the three Redbull's a week aren't gonna kill you and if it makes you happy in life, go for it! 3 a week, not 3 in one day. There's a difference!
I find this is a good place to start for emotional eaters. For the most part that's women. For women it's more about the moment; stressed out of your mind because your crazy mother-in-law called you a _____ again, chocolate seems like the right answer right now!
For guys in this category, it's not that we aren't emotional eaters we just portray it in a different way. I call it Sense-of-Entitlement eating. I worked hard all this week. I had a rough day at the office. I've put in my 3 workouts this week. I mowed the lawn like the wife's been nagging me to do so to hell with you wife, I'm going out with the boys to slam two pitchers of beer, eat a dozen hot wings and nearly a whole large pizza to myself!
Starting to sound like someone?
If that someone is you, for now, right now make it your mission not to completely stop. Just make better choices. Drink a pint of beer, have a couple of hot wings and only two slices of pizza. And tomorrow, add 20 minutes to your jog.
For lunch, at your favorite sandwich restaurant, forget the sauces, drop the meatballs and opt for chicken breast and some light Italian dressing instead.
Instead of GMO-soy laden Kashi cereal for breakfast, instead scramble up three eggs and have a small handful of mixed unroasted nuts (walnuts, almonds, macadamia nuts; just mix it up!).
Drop the soda. Drink more green or white tea instead of 6 pots of coffee a day. If you drink alcohol every weekend, drink once a month instead. I promise, it won't kill you.
I've seen RIDICULOUS fat loss when the average Joe or Jane goes from what's become the typical North American (fast, processed food) to the "this is simply a better option than that over time" eating strategy.
In my opinion, a great resource for this style of eating is Tosca Reno's Eat-Clean diet, cookbooks and other written resources (including the awesome food magazine Clean Eating which you can get at your local grocery store).
When that stops working for you, and you'll recognize when it has, it's time to add in some time tested rules.
Category 2: Play by the Rules!
So you've gotten to the stage of what you feel is damn clean eating comparative to when you first started this journey. But the progress has come to a grinding halt. Now what?
Tips, tricks, rules and guidelines. It's time you adopt a select 6-12 of these to set yourself on a stricter path.
I personally feel those at this stage are best to adopt one of two strategies:
1) Regular, Intermittent Fasting. For my overview of fasting for fat loss and why I suggest it for certain clientele in this nutrition Category (2) see my blog HERE. I'm not the expert. See www.eatstopeat.com OR download this free eBook: http://www.precisionnutrition.com/intermittent-fasting
Fasting is NOT for everyone. Hell, it's not even for a good 50-80% of you. The hard rule is that fasting is not going to work if you're starving yourself and in a state of nutrient deficiency already (e.g. those that only eat two meals a day or go more than 12hours without eating).
2) This absolutely fantastic guide developed by coach Nick Tumminello over at Performance University. Read this: http://nicktumminello.com/2012/01/the-perfect-meal-what-to-eat-to-lose-fat-build-muscle/
When it comes to other tips and tricks I find you have to look at the situation individually. First find your greatest struggle.
Hungry all the time? Try adding 2 Ziploc sandwich sized baggies of raw veggies as your snacks each day.
Are you drinking 4L of fluid a day, preferably mostly water? No, well, get on building that up. I'd suggest as you do that you add fresh chopped lemon or lime to that water. One it makes you go pee less as your body has to filter the lemon/lime out of it first and two both of those alkalize the body which most of us could use. One note, both lemon and lime can be hard on teeth enamel. If you develop sensitive teeth cut the lemon/limes for a while.
Carbohydrate timing can really be a science. But understand this: carbs (especially sugar) are our easiest, fastest source of energy. Fats are a slower but equally good source of energy. Proteins are mostly used for repair. So a good rule of thumb is that when you are active you can afford carbs. When sitting on your ass in a cubicle for 8 hours, stick to proteins and veggies and little high-fiber fruit (apples, pears). Also, I've read some research showing that the body is more sensitive (in a good way) in utilizing carbs early in the day and fats later. So those silly cut off rules of "no starches past 4pm" can work. My only rule here is that you need to fuel your workouts. If you train hard with weights in the evening, you should have one serving of carbs (think rice, yam, potato) split before and after your workout.
For those who have abused carbs and are healthy (no diabetes, health conditions) I've read some great suggestions on the 100-125g carbs maximum/day rule. This is a must read article: http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/most_recent/one_hundred_gram_carb_cure if you're worried about performance, time 80g of those carbs in the pre-intra-post workout period. That leaves only low cal veggies (salads) along with copious amounts of protein that will make up your meal plan.
The only rules are that there are no perfect rules. But find 6-12 you can fully commit yourself to for the next 6-12 weeks and be amazed at the level of progress you make!!
And when that stops working, then I recommend people take the leap of finding yourself a VERY specific nutritional strategy designed specifically for you.
Category 3: Personal Training for Food
It took me a few years to realize that trying to be the jack-of-all-trades in regards to brining fitness and health to an individual was the absolute wrong way to go. I had to realize what I'm great at and where I'd be better served in referring out.
So when we've been training for a few weeks and your low back pain just won't subside, you have a few options and I've got some great connections to a chiropractor with awesome ART skills, a physiotherapist who does IMS and a massage therapist if I think that'll help. Fixing you isn't my job, it's theirs. As one of my favorite coaches out there said it best: "I'm bringing fitness back!!"
Now, back in the day I'd write nutrition programs for my clients. But it's not my passion. It's not my expertise. And while I generally bash nutritionists and dieticians for trying to make people eat the government food pyramids (a great way to be shaped like a pyramid!), there are professionals out there that do specialize in body recomposition (fat loss, muscle gain), athletic performance and special population (vegetarian, diabetic, allergies) nutrition protocols. Over time I learned to seek out and align myself with individuals I saw bringing consistent progress to their clients.
Hear me on this: If you've changed to eating "clean," if you've minimized or eliminated the processed junk, if you're keeping your alcohol low, if you've been following some sound guidelines and rules as described in Category 2 above and STILL you're not happy with your results: it's time to hire a professional.
Here I have two go to gents:
1) Scott Abel whom I greatly respect for his approach to training, nutrition and coaching. Look into his services here: http://www.scottabel.com/coach-scott-abel-services.php He's been invaluable in making me a better trainer over these past 5 years.
2) Jeff "Wet Wolf" Kuh. I needed to develop a closer relationship with a nutrition expert to help my clients better realize their goals. As most of my clients come to me with aesthetic goals (fat loss, muscle gain) his before/after style website and the testimonials of his clients spoke loudly. And naturally my personality works best with and I respect how Jeff does what he does. He's a no-bullsh*t, tough-love sorta dude whom I've found to be very reasonable if you're willing to put in the work (sticking to your meal plan). See his website at www.wetwolftraining.com
The only hesitation I find with my clients hiring a nutrition coach is that just like their decision to hire a personal fitness trainer (me) it really came down to them getting to know a little about me, how I do what I do, what my "style" is and being clear about what I expect. I'm perfectly fine when a client tells me that I am not the trainer for them. I am me. I have my way of doing things. If it doesn't suit you, the best I can do is perhaps refer you to another qualified trainer I know that may suit you better.
With that said, I asked Jeff if he'd be up for an in-depth interview, which follows my summary.
I know this blog is long. I set out to cover this subject once and for all. I hope after you've read it you've discovered where you are on the scale of being more and more regimented in your nutrition planning. It basically comes down to this: if you're out-of-control, eating crap all the time, start replacing it with quality foods. If it was once living, it's probably good for you. Pasta doesn't grow on a tree. Stop eating it. If you've made the transition to buying, prepping, cooking and regularly eating quality foods and have run into a plateau, then it's time to experiment with some guidelines, rules, tips and/or tricks such as I outlined above. If yet still you are not happy with your gains/losses and/or physical performance: you need a professional. Period. Here's my sincerest advice to you in regards to that: Hire an individual you can trust, work with and respect. I have listed two above such gentlemen. Lastly, am I saying that if your diet is a train wreck that you need to work your way through Category 1, then 2 and finally hire a professional? NO. But let me ask you this: are you ready to pay someone to tell you exactly what to eat and when? No? What if I told you that if you are ready for that, it will mean the absolute fastest fat loss or muscle gains OF YOUR LIFE!
The point is…go with your gut. You should know the direction to take now.
Today, I'm stoked to introduce you to Jeff "Wet Wolf" Kuh:
Adrian Crowe (AC herin): I discovered you on the Figure Athlete/T-Nation website a few years back. You immediately came across as a guy in the know. How about you shoot us a brief resume/background for those that may not know of you:
Wet Wolf (WW herin): I signed a collegiate football scholarship and played for 4 years. When my playing days ended I lost over 50 lbs going from 21% body fat down to 5% body fat in 16 weeks. After graduation I went on to be a collegiate strength coach. From there I transitioned to the private sector as personal trainer for the next 10 years. I've had 25 articles published over an 8 month period by the highest paying fitness website in the world (at the time). That led me to creating an online website where I sold customized eating patterns and training programs. Since starting my online business I've had over 200 successful fat loss case studies from 16 different countries and wrote an eBook. I transitioned to doing the online program design as a full time gig back in 2011.
AC: When suggesting my personal fitness training clients take on your services one of the big questions I get are related to what certifications or education related to nutrition/diet do you hold or where did you learn the macro science/magic you always impress me with?
WW: You know what's funny is when I was writing my articles back in early 2009 under a pseudonym I had people contacting me requesting I build a diet program for them. None of them asked me for my resume or who I'd trained, in fact no one even knew my name! So why in the world were they asking me to build them a diet program if they didn't know a single thing about me?
I'll tell you why. I sold them on my articles.
When I first started out back in 2001 in the private sector I had several certifications. I won't reveal which certs they were as I don't want to endorse any organizations. However one of the certifications was one of the most respected in the industry. In fact I remember after I took the exam I wasn't any better at doling out nutrition advice.
It didn't equip me with the knowledge to build effective fat loss or muscle building eating patterns, and it didn't make me any better as a trainer. In fact none of the certifications did. One of the biggest misconceptions people have out there is that holding a cert or degree actually makes you better at performing your job in the fitness industry. In other industries that's different. But in the fitness industry having a cert or degree does not better equip you to design an effective personalized nutrition program or customized eating pattern.
The biggest pit falls of certifications & academic curricula is that they don't teach you how to actually build diet programs. In fact very little of what you even learn has any carry over to real world program design.
In fact it can actually make you worse at program design. I've never been shy about voicing my dislike for the pernicious information registered dietitians dish out as seen in my infamous video here.
Dietitians base their entire weight loss protocol off the calories in vs. calories out formula. They're never focused on fat loss but rather on weight loss. Their battle cry for weight loss is always exercise more and eat less. I'm the only person in the fitness industry or on the planet it seems who says the way to smart healthy fat loss is to exercise less and eat more.
Let me explain.
What I've found is that the people who sign up with me who are trying to burn fat but have hit a stubborn plateau are over training and under eating. If you're already hitting the gym 2 x day, 6 x week, popping fat burners 2 x day and gulping down energy drinks and eating tilapia & asparagus every meal what's next? Where do you go from there? Gym 3 x day and twigs & berries? See my point? You have to ditch the chronic over training, drop the fat burners and use food as your chief weapon in the fat loss battle.
Nutrition for fat loss isn't like math where 1 + 1 will always equal 2. It doesn't matter what your body fat % is or you gender or your age, no matter who you are, 1 + 1 will always equal 2 does not hold true when it comes to food. Two different people can respond totally different to the same type and portion size of food.
The way I gained knowledge was through testing. I would read, study & absorb different articles by "experts," books by renowned fitness authors & diet gurus. I bought diet programs from some of the very first online fat loss program pioneers in the industry. I took everything I learned and tested the info on myself and on my clients. I stuck with and improved what worked and ditched what didn't.
Bruce Lee had a great quote which definitely rings true for me in my journey, "Absorb what is useful and reject what is useless." Most of the stuff, I'd say 99% of the stuff I read and experimented with on myself and on my clients just wasn't very effective. The stuff the fitness rags say, "experts" say, text books say or the academic curricula say just doesn't always work out that way in the real world. It has very little validity in a real world scenario. Does that make sense? It just doesn't pan-out in the real world. Real world fat loss adversity does not come to you in black & white, it's different for everybody.
The way I deliver my "magic" as you put it has to do with my very high emotional & intellectual aptitude on how to write program design. Granted it took many years of real world experience in the front line trenches to refine my skills and develop the working knowledge I have today. The biggest misconception I get is that you can learn how to do this. You can study how to get better & use testing like I did but you've got to have a God-given aptitude to be really effective at building diet programs and building eating patterns for the individualized customized person. You've got to be able to think outside the box and be able to see the forest for the trees. That's a skill set you can refine over time but you've also got to be born with.
The backbone of my eating pattern design is built through three scientifically-backed, proven principles and guidelines but you're not going to read about two them in text books. They are beyond the scope of what's being taught in North American certification organizations and academic institutions. Oddly enough I stumbled across them by mistake back in 2003. Since then I've refined them and tweaked them along the way to "fit" the different somatotypes of folks I work with. It's all out there and it's proven but you're not going to find it in textbooks or certification manuals.
You know, the longer I've been in this business the more I've learned that folks really care less about a certification and more about what you've done for others or more appropriately what you can do for them. Bottom line is that testimonials & success stories mean a lot more then pieces of paper.
AC: Wow, that's quite the answer! I know what you're saying though; I see it all the time in personal training where the art and science of workout program design really just doesn't come to life as it should. Any Joe trainer can write 12 exercises on a piece of paper and call it a workout. But when I ask the "why" questions it all starts falling apart. Okay, let's move on. Who is your typical clientele? Have you worked with really out of shape (read: obese) folks? Pro athletes? Do you have a preferred client to work with (in relation to training experience or sport)?
WW: I really love this question! My typical clientele now is through online training. I don't train folks at a gym or do boot camps. I'm just in front of the computer. Being a former collegiate football player and then strength coach at the University of Florida I worked with athletes that were 1st round NFL draft picks , top athletes that have gone on to play professional sports. And at the time were All-Conference or All-American collegiate athletes who were phenomenal physical specimens.
From there I transitioned to the private sector back in 2001. That's where I worked with everyone from skinny junior high kids in puberty to geriatric folks battling obesity and everything in between. Might have been the guy in his 30's who was a former collegiate athlete who wanted to get back in shape or the petulant, despondent single woman who was trying to shrink her waist line.
95% were female, some were hot, some had a great attitude and some were angry at life for a number of reasons but they all wanted to burn fat.
Now since I'm totally online, 90% of all my clients are females. Most are probably in the age 30-50 demographic. About 70% are married with kids. I currently have 2 folks who are in their 60's and two teenagers on board.
AC: Do you work with vegetarians? Any specific challenges or insight/opinion you can provide for this bunch?
WW: Yes I do. It's funny you ask this because I have a quote I coined on my Facebook page where I say, "If you're a vegetarian and you're trying to burn body fat that's like taking a knife to a gun fight." What I mean by that is it's a mismatch. It's like trying to climb a cactus. However it can be done with the right tools.
In fact one of the vegetarians you sent my way, Muni actually lost 7 lbs her first month once I built her a fat loss specific vegetarian eating pattern.
As a vegetarian, your complete protein sources are limited; therefore you have to be on point with the carb & fat sources you eat. And Muni did just that. So although it is more challenging, it can be done.
AC: Alright, let's get into the meat and potatoes (excuse the pun). Where are people royally screwing up or quite simply just don't get it in relation to diet?
WW: People trying to "figure out" what to eat on their own, trying to "wing it" on their own. This never works. This doesn't work for 2 reasons:
1) People don't have the emotional aptitude to eat the right foods. People have a compelling fear of food. I can't tell you how many folks have come to me quivering in fear about the certain disaster that awaits them if they eat their last meal too late at night. People are also afraid of large portions of food, yes even healthy food. I once had a girl email me in absolute terror just to make sure she was supposed to eat her ½ cup of quinoa. You see when you cook quinoa it greatly expands thus that little bitty scoop now takes up five times as much space after you zap it in the microwave. Same amount of calories and carbs as before but the increased volume had taken a death grip on this poor girl's emotional aptitude rendering her defenseless against her compelling fear of food. "It was just so much I just wanted to make sure I was supposed to eat it all!" So they eat small or moderate amounts of healthy food which doesn't have the caloric load to support their energy expenditure. Then a couple days later they are starving and fall off the deep end with an all-out jail break binge. Then the same vicious cycle starts all over. Wash-Rinse-Repeat. When it comes to healthy food, more is less.
2) People lack the Intellectual aptitude to design their own effective fat loss program. Quite simply they just don't know what to eat. When someone signs up with me I have them list on their evaluation the foods they currently eat. Every single person always eats the wrong foods or isn't eating the right foods. It's a re-occurring theme of three problems, too much protein, too many processed foods and dairy.
Now the question is why do people think they can figure it out on their own? I mean, where does this false bravado come from? Two reasons:
1) Everywhere you look, Dr. Oz, fitness mags, fitness celebs, diet blogs, the news, etc. people are always telling you what to eat. Top 3 foods to burn belly fat, top 8 ways to trim your waist line, top 10 clean recipes, etc. people hear so many tidbits of advice they think they are equipped to do it on their own.
2) People have been eating their entire life. You have to eat to live and you eat every day. So people think that because they've been doing it their whole life and you have to eat to survive that surely then can manage on their own. Nothing could be further from the truth.
If this weren't the case you wouldn't have so many people trying to burn fat, who couldn't.
AC: Where do you stand on the dietary supplement issue? Do you recommend them? And if you do, are they absolutely necessary for your program? What about the fat burner usage?
WW: I am a fan of using supplements but let me be clear it is a very short list. I do not endorse any one brand but cherry pick the best products from a variety of brands. I do recommend a very short list to my clients. I'm not going to say they are 100% necessary to follow my program but at the same time with over 1000 sign ups I've never had anyone that insisted to void them altogether.
My stance on fat burners is that unless you are doing a competition or a photo shoot you have no business taking them. My general rule of thumb is that if you can't get under 20% body fat (excluding extreme endomorphs) by eating healthy and exercising alone you have no business taking fat burners.
Fat burners should be taken acutely not chronically.
AC: How about training? And what's your opinion on typical (read: machines in gym) cardio?
WW: People have a poor Training Economy (doing crummy exercises) and they over train. That's why 99% of the folks you see in the gym either regress or look the same year after year. When it comes to exercise, less is more.
My opinion is evidence based off the 1000 or so folks who have signed up with me and filled out an evaluation and the last 17 years as a collegiate athlete, college strength coach and private sector personal trainer.
AC: You're big on people using your online forums for progress journaling. Why? What benefits would someone see by using this service? Is it necessary and what loss is there if someone chooses to opt out of this?
WW: My online forum provides a great source of accountability, social support and mentorship for the members. Starting a personal journal in my message forum is very valuable because you are surrounded by like-minded individuals. All the folks following a customized eating program like yourself are in the same boat as you. The biggest benefit is that the members feed off each other's success and lift each other up when someone has a bad day. I've seen some women totally change their mentality and outlook by following the success of another member. It's an amazing thing to behold. Never underestimate the power of being surrounded and supported by like-minded individuals who are all fighting for the same thing as you are!
Your journal is where I will field all your questions you may have about your program. You see, when folks know other people will be reading what they write they often tend to ask fewer stupid questions.
If someone chooses to opt out of this service it is very foolish for the following reasons: 1) the support they receive is included in their program price. They're paying for this. Your program price isn't ONLY for the program delivery; it also includes the ongoing support, coaching & adjustments that may be necessary over the course of the month. 2) They are missing out on the intangibles such as social support, accountability & mentorship. If someone claims they don't feel comfortable posting their journey with others they can simply use a pen name when they register as most my clients do this anyway. This way you will remain anonymous. 3) Posting in your journal also opens up the communication lines. The more you communicate with me the better your chances are to be successful.
AC: You're known, especially on Facebook, for showing some "tough love" (to put it nicely). Anything you care to say to those that may not be able to handle it or quickly feel offended?
WW: I've found that 90% of folks respond best to "tough love" or the "No B.S." approach. People respect it because it's not sugar coated. I'm always brutally honest with people. Basically 90% of folks respond well to it and 10% don't. In the end most people respect a brutally honest answer that helps them even if it's not what they want to hear.
AC: One look at your website: www.wetwolftraining.com can leave one confused on which program may be best for them. I generally suggest for my clients the Quick Fix Diet (QFD) for those looking for the best "eat this to attain your goals" type of plan. Then I recommend the Oscillating Macronutrient Eating Pattern (OMEP) for those that really need more serious coaching in their nutrition plan. Where would you suggest someone start?
WW: I agree with what you said 100%. That's a perfect way to present it.
AC: Alright, last one. Time to put you on the spot. As a personal fitness trainer I really believe in the old story of teaching a man to fish so he may be able to feed himself long term versus simply giving him a fish for the day. I'd say a good 50-75% of clients could care less to learn the how's and why's; that's why they come to us – to tell them what to do to help them reach their goals. But what about those that want to learn? Say if I'm a new client, I feel I need the enhanced level of coaching OMEP provides and choose to take it on for 6-12 months, during that time frame am I going to learn how to eat best for my body and goals? Where do you stand on the teaching front?
WW: I specialize in program delivery and support and that's what I deliver. One question I never answer is the "why" question. Folks need to focus less on the "why" and focus more on the "doing" the actual program that lies in front of them. My motto is pretty simple: "Read your program, trust your program, obey your program then watch your program work!"
I also have an aggregate of articles, webinars & YouTube recordings where I dish out important info for smart eating that anyone can watch without ever paying me anything.
AC: Alright, Jeff. Thank you very much for your time. On a final note, until last week I didn't even know you had a YouTube channel. Where else can we find you and what's the best way for someone to learn more about your services?
WW: I would suggest people browse around the journal section of my message board and get inside street info on what my members are doing straight from the horse's mouth.
My Facebook page is still the best place to read daily tid bits of info from me.
It has been my pleasure Adrian, glad I could share my thoughts with you.
BTW, you can now find me on:
Instagram @adriancroweathletictraining
Facebook page at Adrian Crowe Athletic Training "The Crowe's Nest"
YouTube www.youtube.com/acathletictraining
or email me directly at email@example.com


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I should really have named this post "The things I love and hate about 24" but this post is really a philosophical analysis of the show.
I think 24 was a victim of many TV shows whose success blooms from humble beginnings (e.g. Friends, Scrubs.) Its best stories were in its early seasons, after which it always seemed to be chasing its glory days and plagiarising itself. From about season 4 onwards the plot is almost formulaic. The starkest example of this is how season 6 is just a shameless copy of season 2. The first time around was stunning (season 2 was 24 at its best), the second time around was dull.
The things I love about 24 are: Keifier Sutherland, a tremendous actor. In fact, 24 has a litany of superb actors as heroes and villains. I love the way the plot is often so entangled and complicated you can't relax for a moment. I love how the story genuinely keeps you going every minute, and as soon as the episode is over you have to watch the next one. I love how 24 isn't afraid to "commit itself" even for a fictional world, to having incredible events happen instead of the "reset button" mentality. In 24 the good guys don't always stop the bomb before it goes off. I love how 24 concretises the very real threat that terrorists are, and shows them to be truly evil. I love how, in its early seasons, there was no regard given to the "rights" of terrorists, and how they were treated like things to be garnered for information, and how any necessary steps were taken to ruthlessly stop them. I love how the heroes in 24 are not dumb commandos going around with machine guns like some 80s Hollywood cheese-fest, but are intelligent rational people using their brains to deduce a solution, and then bravely taking the steps to implement it. I love how cutting-edge technology is used to solve problems. I love how 24 in its early seasons didn't shy away from showing real horror and gore on screen, as artistic tools to further the story.
These are the things that made 24 a world class show.
Many negative attributes that grew in the show ironically came from these strengths. For example, the CTU offices and technology that were used in the background to further the story became gimmicky. The CTU set design became more and more elaborate as the seasons went on, to the point of looking like an Apple commercial or gadget showroom. The amount of nonsense technical jargon that began to fill the show could rival Star Trek TNG, and pretty but random irrelevant GUI animations made 24 more like a James Bond film, or what a 1930s sci-fi writer might suppose the future would look like: hundreds of colourful screens everywhere with numbers and images swirling about. No office in the world looks like this, least of all the headquarters of a federal organisation. By making the technology and sets more and more unrealistic, 24 disconnected the audience from any sense of reality the show truly possessed in seasons 1-3. If the audience can't believe what they're seeing is real, or COULD be real, they won't invest any emotion in the story. You only have to compare season 1 to season 8 to see this contrast.
One of the most over-used plotlines in 24 is the use of torture. When Jack is truly tortured for the first time in season 2, he is viciously hurt to the point that his heart stops. You feel angry and worried for Jack; our hero is violated by wicked people and we want them to die! When Jack manages to escape and kill his captives we think "yes!" For the rest of season 2 Jack struggles with a heart problem as a result of his torture. But after eight seasons of seeing Jack beaten up the impact is just lost. Eventually he almost becomes a robot that can take anything and stand up again; real people don't do this no matter how brave they are.
The use of torture against enemies has also become stale. Worse still, it is debated endlessly by the supposed heroes of the story, who have no idea what they're talking about.
There are other recurring themes throughout the show. See how many of things you can think of:
- The emotionally-damaged woman "losing it" and messing up a sting operation;
- The mid-season "reset" where, with the danger apparently over, a new chase to recover [insert critical item here] begins;
- Using a loved one as a hostage for blackmail;
- Jack being on the run from his own government;
- The traitorous "mole";
- The under-pressure boss who makes things difficult for our heroes;
- A conspiracy that only Jack and one or two others ever seem to believe in;
- CTU itself being attacked.
But all of the above are just examples of exhausted writing, and/or perhaps playing too much on previous highs. Despite all that, the show is very enjoyable, even in its dodgy seasons. The biggest problem with 24 is none of these things.
Pass the razor blades
Throughout 24, especially the latter seasons, the message being portrayed is one of constant misery, destruction, sacrifice, and death; the show continuously offers up its heroes, the good people on the altar of entertainment, and slaughters them – not in a message of positivity: that one's selfish love of life makes some things worth fighting and dying for – but one of negativity. 24 glorifies sacrifice, simply for its own sake. The hero, Jack Bauer, is a man who sacrifices his values time and time again for his belief in a greater good. He is a man who on the face of it uses his mind, his body, and his bravery, to fight the forces of evil wherever they may be. He is a man who doesn't compromise on his moral code, and looks evil in the eye. In reality, he is a man who sees himself as a sacrificial animal to the needs of others; as a man with a duty to give up whatever it takes to serve "the needs of the many". He is even prepared to arbitrarily violate the rights of others if the ends justify the means.
The problem at the root of this is that the writers of 24 are as much in the dark about their philosophy as society in general is today. A perfect demonstration of this is the trial of Jack in season 7 episode 1, where Jack is being vilified for his treatment of terrorists in the past; for human rights "violations". Jack justifies his actions because he "gets results", a fact the prosecuting senator affirms by saying "in other words…the ends justify the means." The writers make no attempt to resolve the situation or the morality involved because they can't; because they have no objective grounding on which to do so. They think torture can only be justified by "ends justify the means" thinking which is a morality they cannot justify. They are right, it can't be justified. But there is another justification for torture that comes down the issue of individual rights; a concept lost on today's intellectuals. They miss the point that criminals and terrorists have no rights, and torture is perfectly moral if used against those who initiate force in order to protect the actual rights of innocents. Justice demands as much, if one's moral standard is rational life.
As a result of this, most of Jack's deeds are themselves the right course of action even if his justification for them is false. The reason he is effective is because reality doesn't tolerate contradictions, and Jack's actions are practical and necessary. This supposed conflict between the practical and the moral becomes more pronounced as the seasons go on, as the show's producers attempt to inject more left-wing liberal morality and modern "human rights" concepts into the show. As a result, the show's heroes find themselves constantly encountering contradictions being doing the effective practical thing to resolve a crisis, and the "moral" thing that appears to prevent them. In other words, they find themselves having to choose between "moral" self-sacrifice or "immoral" selfishness. Because there is no moral justification or common sense for a human being to sacrifice a higher value for a lesser or non-value, our heroes struggle to make moral choices, either simple or complex ones. This is because the morality of sacrifice is impossible to justify in principle or practice, because it is at odds with reality itself, and if consistently applied it will only lead to your own destruction, forcing you to either accept destruction (which many of 24's characters do), or force you to reverse course and act against your moral code and do the "practical" thing. However, a moral code that is impossible to practice is totally useless as a moral code; since a moral code should tell you the best way to live, not the best way to die. That is why the moral is the practical, a concept so radically removed from the cesspit of altruism we are drowning in today.
Further demonstrating the contradiction of altruism is the behaviour of many of the characters. For example, whilst President Alyson Taylor has the moral integrity to pass her own daughter over for arrest rather than take the easy option and cover up a murder (the demonstration of a real selfish virtue: honesty), she thinks nothing of sacrificing hundreds of her own citizens' lives for the "noble" purpose of intervening in the political affairs of another country, simply to try and make it a better place. (An action incidentally that totally betrays the entire principle of good government; it is in fact an act of high treason.) She essentially says that just because America is a powerful capable nation, they have a moral obligation to serve others. Once again we see the morality of altruism exalted; the belief that one man's need must turn other men into means for his end. Or to put it in the words of David Cameron: "that those that can should, and those who can't we will always help."
The writers themselves ultimately sacrifice quality storytelling for short-term "wow" moments. They did have a chance to end 24 on a positive message, and say that in the end the good always wins; that evil and irrationalism are self-destructive; that good men stand up and say no to evil; and eventually the moral will triumph. But they didn't. Not content with having our hero suffer misery after misery, and loss after loss, they once again kill off someone close to him in Renee Walker for no good storytelling reason, other than to push Jack to a place of rage and determination. Renee's death was tragic because she was a likeable character…but I count this as the sixth woman Jack has lost in one way or another (seven if you count Audrey Raines twice). At what point is Jack is a man plagued with suffering struggling to live his life, and at what point is he simply a plot device for the audience to revel in his pain? I think the writers lost their way and just kept thinking "what can we put Jack through next?"
You see, Jack losing his wife in the circumstances which it happened was heartbreaking, terrible, and provided a pain the audience could genuinely feel. It left a bitter taste in our mouths, but it made us feel what Jack felt, and set up his character for the season to come, where he can go out in a blaze of glory and end it all, but he doesn't. He decides to get his life back together and move on. But the subsequent seasons made this entire plot line and his wife's death pointless as he never gets his life back; in fact things just keep getting worse for him. You see, suffering is necessary in a story when it is contrasted with the happiness of a life well-lived, to see the difference between values being achieved and values being taken away. But when suffering becomes the status quo, not only does it lose its meaning in the story and become dull and repetitive, but our character's lives become meaningless, which means we can't empathise or relate to them.
And yet, there is a certain logic to all this: Jack is an altruist. His character is the perfect representation of what happens to someone who consistently follows the course of altruism: he loses everything. He tries to do what he believes is the right thing, yet everyone he has ever loved has died or gone away. He has no home, no family, and no future. He sacrificed everything and he reaped the results: nothing. In a roundabout way, the writers did accurately present the nihilism of sacrifice, they just didn't know they did it, and they did it under the guise of a tortured hero. They glorified his desolation; they made him a hero because of his sacrifice. They missed the point. Heroes aren't heroes because they give everything up; they are heroes precisely because the things they value in life are worth fighting and sometimes dying for; but Jack gives up everything of value in his life, which makes one wonder why he cares about anything in the first place.
By making Jack lose everything, they sent a message that being a hero is about torture, pain, a constant struggle against insurmountable odds, against a world of evil, and that you can never be happy. Such is the negativity that 24 became all about. It was sadly appropriate that it ended this way.


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Using ARM M3 processor, provides strong resolution capability.
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By using diversity antenna, can automatically switch the signals to ensure the stability of the received signal.
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When the aircraft flies out of range, the receiver cannot receive a valid RF signal from the transmitter, and will move the servos to predefined position.
Support PPM and PWM signals.


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With Chinese New Year soon upon us, Rosemary Verey takes the opportunity to select a few of her favourites among the many plants that were originally discovered in that part of the world
Now is an appropriate moment to think about the plants and seeds that E. H. Wilson collected in China and have become established in Europe and the USA. Why this moment? It was 100 years ago that it became possible for botanists to explore this country never before accessible to such travellers.
E. H. Wilson, born in Chipping Camden in 1876, studied botany at Birmingham, then at Kew. Veitch, the great tree and shrub nursery, enquired at Kew for a likely plant collector. They met the young Wilson and invited him to go to China as their representative to acquire seeds of the handkerchief tree, Davidia involucrata. Augustine Henry had seen and recorded this tree previously � when the seeds were not yet ripe.
After six months working for Veitch, Wilson set off from England travelling via Boston to learn the best collecting techniques from Charles Sprague Sargent, director of the Arnold Arboretum. His friendship with Sargent influenced the rest of his life.
Arriving in China he travelled immediately to Szemae to meet Augustine Henry who gave him vital advice on Chinese conditions, the best collecting localities and where he would find the Davidia involucrata.
He found the exact spot only to discover that the tree had been recently cut down to give space for a house. This was in 1900, but fortunately he discovered a grove of them nearby with ripe seeds ready for collection. All the handkerchief trees in Europe and USA are descended from Wilson�s 1900 consignment. During the ten years he was collecting in China he never again saw a ripe Davidia seed.
By 1901 he was in Hupeh Province, where the mountains, rich in plants, made very bad going. To me, his most exciting discovery was the paperbark maple, Acer griseum with its flaking cinnamon-coloured bark, which tempts you to peels this off. The specimen in the Arnold Arboretum sent to Sargent by Wilson is a mature tree and has descendents. Ours at Barnsley grows beside Sorbus sargentiana and Sorbus 'Joseph Rock' who also worked for Sargent in China, and they make a historic trio.
Among Wilson�s consignment of 35 cases of bulbs and roots, 305 seed species and 900 herbarium specimens were shrubs we value for our gardens. They include the Chinese hazel, Corylus chinensis, Corylopsis veitchiana and C. wilsonii. For early spring he sent us Daphne tangutica and for summer Viburnum betulifolium, V. cinnamomifolium, V. henryi, V. lobophyllum and V. wilsonii.
Two syringas are his introductions, S. julianae and S. meyeri. I like to grow the latter as a standard.
Amongst the treasures he sent home between 1900 and 1910 were Itea ilicifolia, the evergreen holly-like shrub with very scented creamy coloured flowers in mid-summer. This shrub always gives me a special pleasure. Philadelphus purpurascens has spreading branches, and is ideal for the shrubbery.
I associate paeonies with China, and Wilson found P. delavayi in west China in 1908. We have grown this for years ever since I was given the black seeds. I always marvel at its scented flowers, followed by its enticing black seeds. It is one of the important plants here.
Come to Barnsley to see them, and do read books about the plant hunters.


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I installed "Liberty Profile Tools for Beta" in Eclipse Luna through "Eclipse Marketplace". I try to confirm that "Liberty Profile Tools for Beta" is installed by looking at "Help > Installation Details". Does "WebSphere Application Server Liberty Profile Tools" mean "WDT Beta"? There is also "WebSphere Application Server V8.5 Liberty Profile Tools". I think it is "NOT Beta".
Answer by ErinHarris (171) | Oct 22, 2014 at 09:38 AM
You can tell if it is beta or not by the version rather than the name. For the latest beta you should see this in your installation details:
OSGi Application Development Tools 9.0.0.v20141006_1858 com.ibm.osgi.wdt.feature.feature.group IBM
Web Development Tools 9.0.0.v20141006_1858 com.ibm.wdt.webtools.top.feature.feature.group IBM
Web Services Development Tools 9.0.0.v20141006_1858 com.ibm.wdt.ast.ws.tools.feature.feature.group IBM
WebSphere® Application Server V8.5 Liberty Profile Tools 9.0.0.v20141006_1858 com.ibm.websphere.wdt.server.tools.feature.group IBM
Answer by KrisKobylinski (5283) | Oct 21, 2014 at 07:10 PM
You should be able to see if the tools are installed by going to the "Eclipse Marketplace" and selecting "Installed" tab.
Hello. Thank you for your answer.
I got information that "Looking at the marketplace entry is not a reliable way" by Elson Yuen in the following QA.
Actually, there are facts showing marketplace entry is unreliable.Please look at the QA.
Answer by Elson Yuen (666) | Oct 22, 2014 at 10:50 AM
An different way is to refer to my reply on a different QA: https://developer.ibm.com/answers/questions/29434/installed-at-once-all-versions-of-ibm-eclipse-tools-for-bluemix-and-wdt
If you click on the WDT icon, you should see the Version listed as "Beta".
No one has followed this question yet.
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Last time I wrote, Jade had just turned 1. She turns 4 next Wednesday.
I've survived. I'm going on 27 and I'm still alive and I know I shouldn't be.
I read a statistic once. It said "The number of anorexics over the age of 23 is staggering. They've all either recovered..or died." So what does that make me? I go through periods of weeks/ months living a "Normal" life with "Normal" eating habits and I almost convince myself that I'm okay. I'm not. I'm not okay and I'll probably never be okay.
I am better in certain aspects though. And big ones. I haven't thought about suicide in years. I think the drugs and alcohol abuse had a big influence on that one.
I still don't feel good about myself though. I feel like I need some sort of validation. I would be nice to be noticed. It was nice being noticed when I was at my LW of 107. That was nice. That was really nice. I haven't weighed in quite some time, but I would imagine that I'm back up close to 130.
I feel like I'm stuck.
I got a full time job. A teacher. Crazy, right? How am I supposed to teach kids about health and wellness when I'm batshit crazy myself? I keep telling myself that it's temporary. I've set a goal for Jade and I to be in our own home by next Christmas. I tell myself that life will be better when it's just the 2 of us. ..But I say that all the time "Life will be better if…" "Life will be better when…" Truth is, its not going to get better. This is just the way it is. It can certainly be worse, so I'm not cursing it..but that's just the way it is.
Jay and I broke up about 2 Christmases ago. It was just some rocky shit. I feel like I can blame both of us. Me for not opening up and him for not trying to get in. We didn't talk. He has a baby on the way with his new GF. So that makes it official then. Every since one of my exes is either married or has a baby. And the sad part is nearly all of these relationships happened right after they broke up with me. Whats that movie? Good luck Chuck? I guess that's me.
I still think about Jade's dad. ALL the time. Its stupid of me to think that anything will even change. I try to avoid the thought of him during the day, but I can't control my dreams. I don't want him. I know I don't want him. He's an ignorant alcoholic with truthfully nothing going for him. I do wish that he was open to having Jade in his life though. He's never spoken to her. He doesn't want to. He thinks that's what is best for her. I don't see where it is his right to make that decision. How is it best for a child to know that her father never wants to speak to her? What does that say to a little mind? Daddy doesn't love me, Daddy doesn't want me. Luckily she hasn't asked, but I don't see the questions being far off. What do I say to her? I'm not going to lie to her. I refuse to be the bad guy. If she's asks, I suppose I'll just tell her that he is in California..or at least I think that's where he is. I'm honestly not really sure.
I just don't ever want her to hurt like I hurt.
I remember when I was pregnant that I told my mom that I was scared to have a baby. Not scared of the actual birth or even raising one, but just scared that she would turn out just like me. I still worry about that. But I've also vowed to never be like my parents in the sense that the lines of communication were always closed. I want her to feel like she can talk to me. my mother never talked to me. Not about anything important at least. I got the period talk. That was about it.
She never even noticed me losing weight. 152 to 130 in just a couple months. How do you not notice that on a highschool girl? then again after I had Jade. 170-107. 60 pounds mom! SIXTY. SIXTY FREAKING POUNDS AND YOU DIDN"T SAY ANYTHING BESIDES "Girls with no fat, have no boobs." Really mom? Really?! How about something more along the lines of "Is everything okay?" or "Do we need to get you some help" or "Maybe you should see a doctor" I just need to know mom, how did you not know something was wrong with me? How did no one notice? Not my boyfriend, not my family, not my 1 friend, not my teachers. And people wonder why people like me feel invisible.
I don't know that I'll ever feel whole. I want success. I want stability. I want a friend and someone to love. I want to get off of this sinking ship and stop jumping from depression, to anxiety, to manic behaviors, to eating issues. I just want all of it to stop.
With my new job, I'll have insurance. I really considering going to see a therapist. I don't want to be pserscibed any drugs. I don't trust myself with them. not any kind. I don't even like to take Tylenol any more.
I need to find a partner. I have never been one to "need" a man, but its time. Its time to start a family. I think I can do it right this time. Openness and honesty. I'm not scared like I used to be. No more 'Oh jeez, what if he doesn't like me??' Now its, who cares. If he doesn't like me, we'll move on. And if stuff isn't going right, it needs to be discussed. Not just bottled up. I don't even go anywhere or do anything to meet people, though. That's part of the problem. Theres just not much to do in my town. Tomorrow, there is a college football game though. I'll go to that and maybe mingle. It's a start.