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For many years, my image of life outside of New York City was represented by the two famous New Yorker posters. You know, the two where everything beyond Manhattan is vaguely located. Queens, Texas, California, Kansas, New Jersey, Japan, and Europe are all somewhere over there, an expression punctuated by the back-and-forth wave of a hand with splayed fingers.
I've since learned differently, having lived outside of New York several times. Those once vast empty areas have been filled in with actual people, real places, and genuine experiences. There is life beyond the tunnels. Unfortunately, there is also HIV beyond the tunnels.
The Suburban Face of AIDS
Strip malls, office parks, acres of parking lots, expressways, shopping malls, fast food joints, suburban rails, Kiwanis and Rotary Clubs, row upon row of cloned ranchhouses and pseudo-Tudors, manicured lawns, serial killers, "kiss-n-rides": Everyone recognizes the components of suburbia. It shares the modern mythic consciousness of America with Silicon Valley, Las Vegas, and Monica Lewinsky.
Suburbs carry with them the fantasy of middle-class privilege. Growing up in the projects of the South Bronx, I always thought that you couldn't be poor if you owned a house and a car. That is untrue. Poverty is not restricted to urban housing projects or rural farming communities. Life in the suburbs ranges from the estates of Long Island's North Shore to the slums of Mt. Vernon, with every socio-economic permutation of the American dream in between.
My first experience of the suburbs was in 1966 when my mother took us on vacation to Puerto Rico. The houses, lawns, and cars of the suburbs were something totally foreign and consequently terrifying to me. It was and is a lifestyle basically foreign to my own. Now that adulthood has brought some understanding of the unique dynamics of suburban life, it is apparent to me that it is both different from and similar to life in the big city.
It follows that the epidemic in the areas surrounding New York City (Long Island, Westchester and Rockland Counties north of the city, and parts of Connecticut and New Jersey) will be both familiar and unknown to many urban dwellers.
These are large areas, each with diverse communities and unique characteristics, and this article can't offer the kind of in-depth coverage each one of them deserves. Instead, this is a general overview of HIV/AIDS in the suburbs around New York City. Commonalities of the suburban experience will be discussed generally. Later I'll touch on some of the more striking or interesting features of these localities.
For years people have been talking about the "changing face of AIDS." For some communities, AIDS has had the same face all along. New York is Number One, with the greatest number of AIDS cases in the U.S., followed by New Jersey at Number Five and Connecticut Number Fifteen. The AIDS demographics of the epidemic in the environs of New York City resemble those of some of the outer boroughs (Brooklyn and the Bronx). For example, the epidemic has predominantly been among recognized intravenous drug users, especially on Long Island (34.9 percent of that area's cases of HIV/AIDS are among IDUs, according to the New York State Department of Health's 1997 report) and in the lower Hudson counties (49.2 percent). Even New Jersey and Connecticut share similar statistics, 48 percent and 51 percent respectively. Nationally, MSMs (men who sleep with men) are 49 percent and IDUs are 26 percent. I say "recognized IDUs" because there is also a community of "socially functioning" IDUs who have jobs, families, bills, and lives like "normal" people. This community is seldom acknowleged or discussed, since these addicts do not present a problem to their neighbors.
Ethnically and/or racially, statistics show the epidemic to be predominantly "white" on Long Island (44 percent), while people of color (especially African-Americans) are the majority in the other suburban areas (50.2 percent for Lower Hudson County, 43 percent for Connecticut, and 51 percent for New Jersey). Nationally, whites still dominate AIDS. Blacks follow. Then come the Latinos, Asians/Pacific Islanders, and Native Americans. Everyone after that is "Other."
Although men still dominate the numbers, the overall number of infected women, both with children and without, is tragically on the increase all across the country. These women are overwhelmingly black and Latina. So are most of the kids with HIV/AIDS. Increasingly, HIV/AIDS is becoming a disease of poor, marginalized, and disenfranchised communities, and that's true whether you're talking about the big cities or the suburbs. None of this is new.
Getting Around
When talking with suburban service providers in the New York metropolitan area, I was struck by the many concerns they had in common. By and large, the most serious problems in dealing with suburban AIDS are those posed by transportation -- or rather the lack of it.
If we think of AIDS as a tapestry, then transportation is a major thread in a complex pattern. Pull on that thread and the entire pattern, each individual thread, moves. Contrary to popular belief, not every suburbanite has a car. Many low-income families are dependent on public transportation to get to and from their various appointments or jobs. But given the nature of suburban public transportation (shitty, to say the least), a simple appointment with a medical professional or service provider can take all day. Although some providers have vans, there simply aren't enough to go around. Any New Yorker who lives outside Manhattan understands this frustration.
Jeff Reynolds of the Long Island Association for AIDS Care, known as LIAAC, puts his finger on the problem: "They call it Long Island for a reason. Getting around is difficult. Some people don't have the money, time, or energy to do it." Adds Lesley Stein of AIDS Related Community Services in Elmsford (that's Westchester), New York, "Medicaid won't reimburse for transportation to a support group." And according to Charles McCarren of Catholic Charities of Long Island, the state apportioned funds for transportation based on New York City public transportation rates, but "transportation on Long Island can be really expensive."
Catholic Charities now has two vans and two full-time drivers. Even so, when a client in Montauk (at the tip of Long Island) wanted to come to the organization's program in Nassau County (closer to the city), he had to catch public transportation to a place where the van could then pick him up. In response to the transportation problem, Catholic Charities and LIAAC are trying to decentralize their services, trying to do more things offsite by initiating satellite programs.
With transportation such a nightmare, many PWAs skip or cancel important appointments. Mothers who can't get childcare may be forced to miss doctor's appointments, increasing the possibility that they will become ill, or even add to the increasing number of AIDS deaths among women. As Nina Brown of the Hyacinth AIDS Foundation in New Jersey says, "Women in urban areas are more prone to go to doctors. Women in small towns don't go for services."
I remember living in Hempstead and taking a bus and then a train at the crack of dawn to make it to work in midtown Manhattan by 8:30 a.m. It was torture. Imagine doing that when you're feeling sick or suffering with Viracept-type diarrhea -- Kill me now.
Transportation might not be such an issue if there were enough service centers in the various villages, townships, and counties outside of New York. But services can be spread out over a county or even several counties. Your doctor may be in one town, your caseworker in another, and your support group somewhere else.
The AIDS Community Resource Center serves six counties in upstate New York. The scarcity of services forces people to travel. Folks in rural areas like Sullivan County (north of Rockland County), where there are even fewer services, are forced to go to the suburbs for their care. Think of the massive stress related to just getting around being added to everything else, like problems with your benefits or a medication that doesn't work. To paraphrase an old Arab proverb, traveling is hell.
Being Alone
There are other issues that result directly from the transportation nightmare. Intimately tied to the problem of getting around is the problem of isolation. If you aren't making it to all your appointments, then you stand the chance of becoming seriously disconnected from the various sources of medical and psychosocial support. "Some people believe that they are the only [HIV-positive person or PWA] in town. It's hard to find someone to talk to," says Stein. "Thank God for the telephone."
It's easy to fall out of touch in the suburbs. Not everyone has access to the Internet. And sometimes calling a hotline isn't easy. Loneliness for a PWA or HIV-positive person can be an enormous burden. As the Swedish statesman Dag Hammarskjöld said, "What makes loneliness an anguish is not that I have no one to share my burden, but this: I have only my own burden to bear."
In some areas, language difficulties can fuel an individual's sense of isolation. Services for Latinos in the suburbs are much scarcer than they are in the city. In rural areas, groups of migrant workers have little contact with local communities. So providers who can speak the language are few and far between. On the plus side, these same differences in language and culture can serve to bring Latinos together with each other, while discrimination, prejudice, and fear about HIV/AIDS continue to isolate them from the mainstream.
Isolation can also breed ignorance, as it can make information harder to come by. Howard Cutler of Jewish Family Service of MetroWest, an Essex County, New Jersey-based AIDS service organization, says, "Isolation is reinforced because there are fewer services and they are less advertised." Suburban communities are small clusters of individuals and families with larger clusters of businesses in between. The AIDS community is consequently broken up, making it hard for people to pull together. According to Cutler, "PWAs don't come together."
Tom Bowie of AIDS Project Hartford (Connecticut) agrees. "There really isn't any community, just bunches of isolated men." That's why AIDS Project Hartford sponsors a party for HIV-positive gay men every fourth Sunday of the month. "It's a way to build community," he says. Cutler adds, "Living in a city, there is more anonymity. You have a better awareness of resources. You have a better chance of meeting someone."
Geographic isolation can lessen the opportunities for AIDS activism or PWA advocacy. When a group of individuals comes together, the opportunity for some kind of group action arises. According to Stein, "We've never been able to put together a strong 'infected' population. There's not a lot of PWA activism [in Westchester]." Reynolds concurs, "Leadership development is harder because people don't want to come out."
Getting the Facts
The lack of information bred of isolation is dangerous when it comes to HIV. Nina Brown, who travels through Essex County doing HIV education, says, "I see more misunderstanding now about transmission, especially because of protease." (More about protease inhibitors later.)
Cutler agrees. "Many affluent suburban families don't think AIDS affects them. It's not perceived as an issue for them. AIDS is more surprising to suburbanites because it seems more rare to them. People feel more immune." He describes the fear that still exists. "People are still worried about [PWAs] holding babies, about [HIV-positives] working with small children. People are still scared."
Stein comments, "There's a crisis in public perception. AIDS is almost passé now." Jeff Reynolds agrees. "There's more denial out there in the general community about HIV/AIDS. People are content to think that those things -- drug use, homosexuality, people of color, AIDS -- can't make their way through the Midtown Tunnel." McCarren calls this population "city refugees."
Thus community education in the suburbs takes on even greater importance, and it takes on different forms. In Hartford, Connecticut, Tom Bowie helps run Positive Interventions, a prevention program geared to HIV-positives. There are two components, Project Athena, for female IDUs or women in relationships with male IDUs, and Project M, for gay men. At Project M, gay men discuss their sexual behaviors and issues like disclosure as a defense strategy because, as Bowie puts it, "You want to know what your partner can give you."
In Yonkers, Joan Gardner works with six minority graffiti artists who design and paint HIV-prevention murals for schools and other institutions. The young artists approached her because they wanted "to do legal work." Working with the art departments of various elementary and secondary schools, they are HIV peer educators who share HIV/AIDS information with young people while they work. The information they provide is very much needed, says Gardner, because "The kids aren't reading the literature." But the kids are talking to the artists about AIDS in their communities. The program recently won a New York State Educational Award.
The Mid-Hudson Valley AIDS Task Force has Personal Experience Speakers, who are trained in storytelling (another of the world's oldest professions). Moving around the area in pairs of infected and affected individuals, they speak at schools, churches, and synagogues.
Finding Programs
The lack of education can also result in a lack of potentially life-saving programs, but a lot depends on the social climate of the area. In politically conservative Long Island, for example, there is not a single needle-exchange program. But Connecticut has five such programs, in Bridgeport, Danbury, Hartford, New Haven, and Stamford. Mt. Vernon's needle-exchange program is run by the Urban League of Westchester. At its first public forum, its supporters included the Mayor of Mt. Vernon, the Police Commissioner, the Health Commissioner, City Council members, and the pastor of Mt. Vernon's largest Baptist Church. Mt. Vernon's League "sister city," San Diego, recently visited the program in hopes of emulating its success. According to Larry Hilton, the program's director, needle-exchange peer educators speak the gospel of harm reduction at schools, churches, and even at the Boy Scouts. As in all human endeavors, and most especially in the wacky world of AIDS, it's hard to predict when or where something is going to work.
Educating the Caregivers
Members of the general community aren't the only ones in the suburbs who need to be educated. In talking about suburban doctors, Karen Kuhn from the New Jersey Women and AIDS Network makes the point that "No matter how progressive or informed doctors are, any doctor will have limitations since so much less is known about women. There is still a lack of basic research about women." At NJWAN's yearly conference, approximately 300 women and providers come together to discuss the unique problems of women with HIV/AIDS.
Medical care in the suburbs seems to be like everywhere else. There are some really good doctors and great facilities, and then there are some okay docs and medical centers, and then there are the doctors who look at you blankly when you talk about the triple cocktail. Individuals who have the time, energy, education, and means go to New York City for their treatment.
Even HIV/AIDS service professionals need to be educated. There is now a generation of AIDS workers who haven't experienced the intense crises, the skyrocketing death rates that existed before protease cocktails. It is a new thing for them when a client dies.
As a veteran, I find that both astounding and heartening. It's also a little scary.
Privacy and Disclosure
Broader community education is necessary to combat one of the universal causes of isolation for all HIV-positives and people with AIDS. On the fear scale, fear of disclosure ranks right up there with fear of losing medical benefits and maybe even fear of death. All of the providers I spoke with agreed. Reynolds calls it "the threat of discrimination due to the small-town dynamic."
I have never experienced the contradictions of small-town life. The closest I've come to it was living in a South Bronx neighborhood in the early '60s, before we moved to low-income housing (commonly known as the projects). I knew everybody on my block, but everybody on my block also knew me. Although there is safety in familiarity, the familiarity can be oppressive. Anyone could ask me what I was doing. By tacit agreement, all the moms on the block took responsibility for all the kids. So even if my mother wasn't watching, somebody's mother was. Suburban life can be very similar. Total privacy is hard to maintain.
Nina Brown says, "Women are afraid to go to the doctor because they're afraid people will gossip. They're even scared to get tested. It's easier for them to say they have cancer or that they got it from a blood transfusion rather than disclose their serostatus."
Women tend to focus on their children, often disregarding their own needs. Karen Kuhn from NJWAN points to the consequences. "So women [in the suburbs] tend to feel very alone." The dangers that come with being labeled with HIV or AIDS can be even more severe in a small suburban town than in a larger, more anonymous, community. Remember the family whose house was fire-bombed years ago? Howard Cutler, who works in Essex, Morris, and Hudson Counties in New Jersey, observes, "People don't go to groups in their neighborhoods. They are so fearful about others finding out. In the suburbs, people tend to know each other, so it's harder to keep things secret." In a survey of rabbis conducted by his agency, most had never been approached by an HIV-positive congregant. HIV/AIDS remains a personal or private dilemma, something potentially destructive and too dangerous to share lightly. But lack of disclosure also now carries the threat of legal prosecution. As nondisclosure is criminalized, and the trial of Nushawn Williams looms, we all await the fallout. You're damned if you do disclose and damned if you don't.
According to McCarren, "Homophobia still remains a problem. People on the Island are more closeted. Remember those cases about the suburban men who took AIDS home to their wives? There's a weirder culture around sexuality issues [on Long Island]." (Author's note: I would broaden that weirdness to include all of the United States. Even New York City, that bastion of liberalism, gets weird about sex.)
Yet disclosure is not so simple. Coming out of any "closet" is not all roses and butterflies. Nor are fears of disclosure always invalid, although sometimes they are hard to comprehend. Many suburban organizations don't put their names outside of their buildings for several valid reasons.
Both Charles McCarren from Catholic Charities and Barry Feldstein from the Long Island People with AIDS Coalition told me the same story. After a long negotiation with Catholic Charities of Long Island, PWAC decided to move into that organization's building. Few AIDS organizations in Long Island share space. In front of the building, PWAC planted a tree with a commemorative plaque honoring the contributions of Long Island's gay and lesbian community to PWACLong Island. According to Feldstein, the clients of Catholic Charities HIV day treatment program objected strenuously to the words "People with AIDS." They were afraid that people would think that all those entered the building were infected. "Yet a lot of people walk here," says Feldstein. "You can't hide here." The tree and the plaque were moved to another, less conspicuous, location.
Looking Ahead
All is not doom and gloom in the world of suburban AIDS. Protease inhibitors have brought their bag of mixed blessings to the land beyond the tunnels. Although access to combination therapy remains limited, many providers have noted the changes in the PWA community. Attendance in support groups has lessened. People are feeling better and returning to their lives, and many feel less need for support.
Although suburban HIV/AIDS services are limited and hard to get to, some agencies have seen a decrease in service utilization. Given the history of AIDS funding, fewer clients may ultimately result in less funding and a diminution of services, not a good thing in the suburbs. After all, protease inhibitors are not a cure, and the long-term situation isn't yet clear.
It also becomes harder to tell what services, if any, people are actually getting. The advent of protease treatment brings new challenges to providers, who are forced to reconfigure in this new treatment landscape. "People don't want to do permanency planning. There is a reluctance to plan for the future since people are feeling better," observes Jeff Reynolds. But he points out a contradiction: "What's the good of living longer if you are wracked with guilt or fear about disclosure. Living is harder than dying."
Protease inhibitors are slowly changing HIV/AIDS service delivery in the suburbs and everywhere else. Once deathly ill individuals are now free to pursue other interests. Freed momentarily from a debilitating health crisis, they can address other issues, like going back to work, or "what do I do with the rest of my life since I'm not dying anymore?"
Clients are now coming to agencies with a whole new complex set of needs, things like substance abuse needs, mental health needs, and long-term housing needs -- concerns that stretch the capacity and can be beyond the scope of some agencies. Infected individuals now living longer have fewer resources at their disposal, so they come to AIDS service providers looking for help.
Agencies are no longer just dealing with the nice, tragic, well-behaved, grateful gay men who were channeling Greta Garbo in Camille. HIV-positive people who seek assistance now may have prison records or have spent most of their lives on the streets. Yes, even in suburbia.
Part of the change in the perception of people with AIDS seeking services is a direct result of the backlash against poor and disenfranchised populations. It's indicative of a kind of "circle the wagons" mentality of special-interest groups and politicians who shall remain nameless. Protect us from the hordes of the unwashed, like undocumented aliens and welfare mothers.
Often people who need help from institutions are not respected by the people there to provide the help. Spend an hour in any welfare office and see what I mean. Applicants and clients are expected to behave in a particular way, with extreme gratitude bordering on obsequiousness the hoped-for response. Earlier this year, the New York Times ran an article, lambasting one agency for things like having candles on the tables at their dinner program.
The attitude is that people who need help should get particular forms of help, nothing too fancy or frivolous. And people who need help must be deserving of that help. Charles McCarren calls them "the worthy poor." The director of one suburban agency complained that, unlike their clients of yore, clients now were content to "take their methadone and sit in front of the television." Although he was rightly decrying the current apathetic state of AIDS activism and advocacy, the comment was vaguely reminiscent of the Clarence Thomas comment about his "welfare queen" sister.
In the opinion of many, "those people should be doing something to help themselves." Instead, HIV-positive people or people with AIDS come demanding good services now without expecting to have to do anything in return. Funny, wasn't that what many of us were fighting for back in the old days? Ironically, it's the price of our success, the work of AIDS advocates and activists. People also go where the services are. Lesley Stein says that people from the Bronx go to Westchester for services just as people from the 'burbs go into the city. Their priority is where to get the best services. That's also part of our success.
The changing demographics of the epidemic have also contributed to the current crisis, in the suburbs as in the city. Although the number of people dying from AIDS-related problems has decreased, the decrease is predominantly in the white gay male community. In the United States, we are still seeing 40,000 new infections a year. More and more of these are people of color, including young gay men of color. The increase of black and Latina women with children seeking services has stretched the resources of agencies founded by gay men to serve their community.
Agencies are forced to develop creative responses. The People with AIDS Coalition of Long Island runs a recreational support group for infected adolescents. Called Kids Helping Kids, it's the only one on Long Island. Personal Experience Speakers from the Mid-Hudson Valley AIDS Task Force speak on HIV/AIDS in their various communities, including synagogues and churches. The protease cocktail has changed the priorities of the AIDS industry. Reconfiguration to meet client needs means serious changes for some agencies. Only time will tell us what happens.
The issue everyone I spoke with agreed was universal was the need for more funding. Interesting fact: Last year, the CDC conducted a cost-effectiveness study of HIV prevention interventions. What they learned, much to their surprise, was that approximately 60 percent of HIV prevention funding goes to projects working with the "general population." That means that all HIV prevention efforts directed toward at-risk populations (IDUs, MSMs ... you know, the people who actually have AIDS or HIV) are done out of the remaining 40 percent. That 40 percent is what most AIDS agencies are fighting, sometimes viciously, to get a piece of. Looking back at statistics, we see that the AIDS epidemic has essentially remained in the populations we saw in the '80s. What is wrong with this picture?
In the suburbs, as everywhere else, everybody is fighting for the same small sliver of the funding pie. For example, Long Island has about thirty AIDS organizations, but, according to Barry Feldstein, nobody tries to fundraise together. "Organizations want to keep their own identity, so they won't merge," he says. Yet everyone is doing more and more work with less and less money. Organizations are becoming increasingly professional, which is another mixed blessing. "Gone are the days of wearing Doc Martens and earrings to work," says Reynolds. "We are becoming far less confrontive and more collaborative."
Although Reynolds had something else in mind, I agree. Despite the problems of funding and increased caseloads, the coordination, breadth, and continuum of services have increased and improved. One of the achievements of the suburban organizations I spoke with was their ability to collaborate with other institutions. The city government in Mt. Vernon is a staunch supporter of the Urban League's Needle Exchange Program. Members of churches and synagogues in Westchester address their congregations about HIV/AIDS. Area high schools participate in LIAAC's AIDS Walk. Graffiti artists do HIV/AIDS education. PWAC runs support groups for kids and prisoners.
My years in HIV/AIDS work have taught me that communities and organizations in urban areas seem to polarize very quickly and easily. Collaboration ain't all that easy in the big city. Perhaps I am frustrated by it because it is my only context. I understand the suburbs are no utopia, but the limited resources of the suburbs seem to demand some form of collaboration. I was struck by what Lesey Stein from Westchester said: "One of the things that marks this region is that there is a lot of cooperation and collaboration. We know each other. We've worked with each other. We have a long track record of working for clients. We're justifiably proud of that."
None of the obstacles or issues I discussed with suburban service providers were anything new. As some sage said, The more things change, the more they stay the same. Yes, there are differences, but HIV in the 'burbs ain't all that different from AIDS in the big city. Looking at HIV/AIDS in the suburbs compared to urban HIV/AIDS, the inescapable conclusion is that in many ways it's the same but different.
Robert Vázquez-Pacheco is a freelance consultant in organizational development. He has been a regular columnist in SIDAhora and has written for Alive & Kicking, a Philadelphia PWA journal.
Thanks ...
In researching this article, I spoke with people who are working every day to see that the HIV population beyond the tunnels receives needed services and support. I want both to thank them for their help and to pass their names and numbers on to readers who may want to use their services:
Jeff Reynolds, Long Island Association for AIDS Care (LIAAC), (516) 385-2451
Barry Feldstein and Steve Feket, PWAC of Long Island, (516) 377-4242
Charles McCarren, Catholic Charities of Long Island, (516) 623-7400
Karen Kun, New Jersey Women and AIDS Network, (732) 846-4462
Tom Bowie, AIDS Project Hartford, (860) 951-4833
Nina Brown, Hyacinth AIDS Foundation (New Jersey), (201) 451-3039
Lesley Stein, Mid-Hudson Valley AIDS Task Force, (914) 785-8200
Joanne Gardner, Yonkers Community Action Center, (914) 423-0865
Larry Hilton, Urban League of Mt. Vernon, (914) 428-5407
Howard Cutler, Jewish Family Services of MetroWest (New Jersey), (973) 740-1233
And special thanks to Tracie Gardner Wright and Andrew Spieldenner for their help.
... and an Invitation
The hard realities of time and space didn't let me talk to as many folks as I wanted to in preparing this article. Unfortunately, what this means is that the voices of actual HIV-positive people and people living with AIDS in the suburbs are missing.
Body Positive and the author invite suburban HIV-positives, people with AIDS, and their loved ones to share your experiences with us. Your letters and comments will help fill out what is now an incomplete picture, and we would like to publish a selection of them in a future issue. Please write to:
Body Positive
19 Fulton Street, Suite 308B
New York, NY 10038


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MOSCOW (Reuters) - Russian officials offered assurances they were not seeking to block access to YouTube on Wednesday, saying a technical error caused the popular video-sharing website to appear briefly on a register of sites containing banned content.
For about an hour, YouTube was listed on the newly-created register, which the government says is needed to fight child pornography but critics of President Vladimir Putin fear may be used to censor the Internet and stifle dissent.
YouTube was subsequently removed from the register, maintained by Russia's communications watchdog agency, Roskomnadzor, which said there was no plan to block access to the site.
"An unfortunate technical mistake occurred," Roskomnadzor spokesman Vladimir Pikov said. "We work closely with them (YouTube). Basically, we see no reason now to apply towards its owners any preventive measures."
Russia's consumer protection rights watchdog, Rospotrebnadzor, said YouTube took down several videos earlier this week as requested by officials under the new law tightening Internet controls that took effect on November 1.
The blacklist includes websites containing pornographic images of children, instructions on how to make, use and where to get drugs, as well as others describing suicide methods.
Under the legislation, websites have three days to remove content considered harmful or illegal by Russian authorities before they can be blocked.
YouTube is owned by U.S.-based Google Inc..
A spokeswoman for Google in Russia, Alla Zabrovskaya, said all requests from the authorities are handled by the company's global headquarters in the United States.
Anti-Putin activists, who have used the Internet to organize demonstrations, say the law is part of a crackdown on dissent orchestrated by the Kremlin since Putin, a former KGB spy, returned to presidency in May.
After a stint as prime minister, Putin was elected to a third presidential term in March after a series of opposition protests that were the biggest of his 13-year rule.
Additional reporting by Maria Tsvetkova and Anastasia Teterevleva; Editing by Steve Gutterman and Sophie Hares


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The official record says that the Lipscomb Lady Bisons have beaten the Belmont Bruins twice in volleyball.
One of those wins was a forfeit. The other, however, was a gritty five-set match in the semifinals of the Atlantic Sun Tournament in Macon, Ga., last November. The Lady Bisons moved on to beat Jacksonville in the finals and earn their first ever NCAA Tournament berth.
The two open the Atlantic Sun season Tuesday night at 7 at Allen Arena. Tonight is "70s Night" and students and fans are urged to dress in their best fashions of the era.
"Playing your travel partner right off the bat is always tough," said Lady Bisons coach Brandon Rosenthal. "This is one of the match-ups that jump out at you.
"You have to take matches as they come. This is not going to determine our season by any means. There is a double round-robin in the conference this season and we will see them again."
In the preseason poll of A-Sun coaches Lipscomb was picked second and Belmont was tabbed to finish third. But the tournament winner is the one that gets the automatic invitation to the NCAA Tournament and Lipscomb and Belmont each received four votes to be the conference champion.
"Anytime Lipscomb and Belmont play, even if we both had checker teams, there is something about it," Rosenthal said. "You can't downplay it.
"One more win is obviously a good thing. In year's past we might have been able to down play it a little more because we had not won against them. I'm sure they have had this game circled since last November."
Right now, however, Rosenthal is looking for a way to get his team back on the winning track. They have opened the season 1-6. Belmont is 4-3.
"This is the first major sporting event indoors for the new year," Rosenthal said. "I hope all of the students will come out."
Sophomore middle blocker Alex Kelly has been the leader for the Lady Bisons. She has a .384 hitting percentage, second in the conference, and a conference-leading 106 kills. She has led the Lady Bisons in kills in every match this season.
"Alex has done a tremendous job," Rosenthal said. "I talked to her earlier and let her know that not only were we counting on her, but that we had a lot of confidence in her.
"She is a competitor. She hates to lose. She has the fire we like to see. When she is going well our team is going well. It has been a tough situation because she has played so well and we have come up a little bit short. She is probably wondering what more can she give."
One area that Rosenthal wants to bolster is the scoring from the outside hitter position. Senior Sarah Snider, one of the top offensive players in the conference last season, has been playing the libero position this season. The position she played against Belmont will be a match time decision.
Rosenthal is counting on several other players to step up as the Lady Bisons enter conference play such as sophomore setter Stefine "Jake" Pease, junior opposite Erin Pierce and outside hitter Katie Rose, a freshman.
"Erin has done great job in the first couple of weeks," Rosenthal said. "She has been up and down hitting-wise, but she has worked really hard.
"We have put Jake in a tough situation because we have not had as much production as we would like from the outside. There has been a lot of pressure on her to make the right decisions. It becomes harder and harder when you are playing tougher competition."
From a team standpoint the Lady Bisons lead the conference with 14.43 digs per set. Belmont leads the conference with a .176 opponent hitting percentage.Share on Facebook


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|Jeff Filkovski posted a 10-40
record in five years as Marietta's head coach.
Marietta athletics photo
After an extensive search, the North Carolina Wesleyan athletic department is pleased to announce the hiring of Jeff Filkovski as the next head coach for the Battling Bishop football program. Filkovski replaces Mark Henninger, who recently accepted the same position at Marian (Ind.).
A native of Pittsburgh, Pa., Filkovski joins N.C. Wesleyan after a five-year stint at Marietta and becomes the third head coach in program history.
Filkovski stepped down at Marietta last November after the Pioneers went 0-10.
"We are very excited about Coach Filkovski and the new direction of our football program," stated Vice President and Director of Athletics John Thompson. "He comes to us with a wide range of experience, a tremendous reputation in the coaching ranks, and he emerged in our search as the right man at the right time for North Carolina Wesleyan."
Filkovski commented, "I want to thank President Gray and Coach Thompson for the opportunity to lead the North Carolina Wesleyan football program. My first priority is to hit the ground running with recruiting and put together a quality class for next season."
Filkovski takes the reins of a relatively young Wesleyan program that will be entering its tenth season in the fall of 2013. Despite its brief history, the Battling Bishops have enjoyed much success in their first nine seasons, including a trio of conference championships and two NCAA berths. Filkovski looks to build on Wesleyan's previous success and return NCWC to the top tier of the USA South.
"It is exciting to take over a program that has had success at the national level," Filkovski said. "I want to continue the push to be a perennial contender in the USA South Conference."
Filkovski's coaching career at Marietta featured several highlights, including an upset of No. 7 Otterbein in 2009 and fielding one of the top-ranked passing attacks in the Ohio Athletic Conference in 2011. His Marietta tenure saw Filkovski guide 18 Pioneers to All-Conference honors in the OAC, which boasts 11-time national champion Mount Union among its members.
Filkovski posted a record of 10-40 in five years at the helm of the Marietta program.
Prior to Marietta, Filkovski served as offensive coordinator at Heidelberg, leading the Princes' offense to a top-5 OAC ranking in nine different statistical categories. As a result, Filkovski was named the league's co-Assistant Coach of the Year in 2007.
Having coached at both the collegiate and professional levels, Filkovski was the offensive coordinator for the Cologne Centurions of NFL Europe before joining Heidelberg. There, he led the Centurions to the 2nd-ranked offense in the league and a 6-4 overall record.
Filkovski began his coaching career as quarterbacks coach/recruiting coordinator at the College of Holy Cross from 1992 to 1995. He also spent one season as the quarterbacks coach at Thomas More College and four years in the same role at the University of Cincinnati. During his time at Cincinnati, the Bearcat squad earned the 2002 Conference USA title. He started at Cincinnati as a graduate assistant in 1996 and was elevated to tight ends coach and recruiting coordinator in 1998.
Filkovski enjoyed a stellar collegiate career at Allegheny, where he earned a B.A. degree in psychology. In 1990, he led Allegheny to a 13-0-1 record and the NCAA Division III national championship as the Gators' starting quarterback. For his efforts, he was tabbed the Football Gazette Division III Offensive Player of the Year, as well as an Associated Press Little All-American.
Filkovski and his wife, Stacy, have three children: daughters Avrey and Ariel and son Jack.


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They are known as two-year colleges, but soon some of their students likely will receive degrees without regard to how much time was spent earning them.
Taking a page from a popular online university, some of Washington's community colleges plan next year to let students earn a degree at their own pace and get credit for what they already know.
The all-online degrees will be available to students at a growing number of schools, including Pierce College, with Tacoma Community College expected to join the list. At first, the new kind of degree will go only to students earning associate degrees in business that prepare them for transfer to a four-year business school.
But the trend toward what is called "competency-based" education looks likely to spread to more programs and degrees, as two-year schools try to appeal to older students working around careers and busy schedules.
"There's no turning back for us now. I mean, the students want it," Bellevue College instructor Suzanne Marks said.
Marks teaches students working to be certified on computer software including Microsoft Excel.
Bellevue is one of four Washington schools that have been using competency to award such professional credentials earned by taking a single course. They are using money from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and training from Western Governors University — the nonprofit school on the forefront of the move toward measuring competency.
Students get credit for prior learning. "For example," Marks said, "in an Excel class, why should you start re-learning how to type data into an Excel spreadsheet in a cell, when you probably already know how to do that?"
Enrollment has exceeded expectations, she said.
Now schools are expected to apply the same techniques to an entire degree program. To pass each class on the way to a business transfer degree, students will have to master at least 80 percent of what they are supposed to know. The only grades possible will be A, B or incomplete.
The community college system plans to spend an estimated $1.4 million in start-up costs to get ready for the new program, starting in January.
In the long run, it might seem like the online classes would save the colleges money. They don't require classrooms, for example. But college officials caution that competency-based courses do require instructors to individually assess each student's performance, and advisers to guide students through the process.
A union official says those ongoing costs are coming at a time when colleges have yet to reverse budget cuts.
Karen Strickland, president of the Washington chapter of the American Federation of Teachers, said the money could be spent to hold on to existing students, by, for example, restoring counselor jobs.
But the college system says it's trying an innovative approach to break barriers of time and distance for working adults who might not be able to show up in a classroom at a set time every week.
"I think it gives access to students who otherwise wouldn't attend at all," said Marty Brown, executive director of the State Board for Community and Technical Colleges.
"Would that they would put this kind of energy into getting kids that are graduating from high school but never make it to the doors of college," Strickland counters.
(Next page: How Western Governors University is the model)
The community colleges are learning from WGU, a Utah nonprofit whose enrollment in Washington has soared more than fivefold since an endorsement from the state Legislature in 2011 allowed it to advertise as an in-state school. Now its students are eligible for state financial aid, too.
The community college system took note as its own graduates transferred to WGU in increasing numbers, exceeding transfers to all other private schools and some of the state's public universities.
The colleges are not adopting the WGU model wholesale. WGU has an unusual division of labor among faculty that separates teaching from the design of curriculum and both of those from the design and analysis of tests. Much of the work of creating lessons and tests is outsourced.
The community college system considered but decided against separating responsibilities among faculty. But putting together the curriculum will involve some contracting, while also using the community college system's online library that is open to the public.
"We're going to use open resources. Students won't have textbook costs, and the content will be freely available to others to use," said Connie Broughton, who is heading up the project at the community-college system.
Avoiding textbook costs saves students $800 to $1,200 a year, the system says.
Otherwise, students will pay full freight while they are enrolled — $2,666 for a six-month term, the equivalent of taking 15 credits for each of two quarters. Local colleges might add more fees. But students could save money by finishing faster than in two years.
To move ahead, the state board is expected to approve next month a change to tuition policy.
Spearheaded by Columbia Basin College in Pasco, eight schools have committed to offering the new program, including Pierce, Olympic, Centralia and Bellevue colleges and North Seattle, South Seattle and Shoreline community colleges.
Pierce College also is looking at adding competency-based certifications targeting veterans moving into the civilian workforce.
Those future programs might help a medic use what he knows to become a nurse or a military investigator become a police officer, said Debra Gilchrist, vice president for learning and student success at Pierce College Fort Steilacoom.
"We think it's also a perfect environment for those soldiers and airmen … to take those skills and really put them to work," Gilchrist said.


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WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Barack Obama launched the most comprehensive defense to date of his energy policies on Monday, pushing back against election-year attacks from Republicans who say they are to blame for high gas prices that are eroding his popularity with voters.
Heralding a report on energy security showing a big drop in U.S. oil imports, Obama acknowledged pain at the pump that analysts fear could lift gasoline to $5 a gallon in some parts of the country and pose a threat his November 6 bid for re-election.
"Today's high gas prices are a painful reminder that there's much more work to do to free ourselves from our dependence on foreign oil and take control of our energy future," Obama said in a statement on the energy report. "We have made progress."
The 20-page study, which highlighted rising domestic oil and gas production and Obama's steps to lift fuel efficiency, showed U.S. oil imports declined to 8.4 million barrels a day by the end of 2011, versus 11 million barrels a day in January 2009.
The White House said his policies were tackling a troubling topic for many Americans. This was underlined by a new Washington Post-ABC poll, which showed disapproval of Obama's handling of the economy increased to 59 percent, from 53 percent when the survey was taken last month.
Nearly two-thirds of those polled said they did not approve of his handling of the situation with gas prices.
Republicans complain that Obama has hobbled the energy industry with red tape and point to the administration's block on TransCanada Corp's Keystone XL oil pipeline project to support their contention that he is hostage to environmentalists in his political base.
"With this report, the president is celebrating his recipe for four or five dollar gas. Poll after poll shows Americans overwhelmingly disapprove of the president's work on gas prices," said Brendan Buck, spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner, the top Republican in Congress.
The price of gasoline at the pump has risen more than 12 cents to a national average of $3.81 a gallon in the past two weeks, according to the Lundberg Survey released on Sunday. The highest price, of $4.35 per gallon, was recorded in Los Angeles.
Analysts see no quick fixes to the challenge in the time remaining until the November election.
"There's nothing the president can do that's going to alleviate the gasoline price rise or reduce oil imports by another one million bpd," said Charles Ebinger, director of the energy security initiative at The Brookings Institution.
Rising gas prices could sap consumer spending and undermine economic confidence, which has been lifted by recent encouraging data that was capped on Friday by a better-than-expected February jobs report.
The economy, which is slowly recovering from a savage recession in 2008-2009 but is still hampered by an unemployment rate of 8.3 percent, is expected to be a decisive factor in whether Obama can manage to hold on to the White House for a second term.
Obama visited election battleground states North Carolina and Virginia last week to promote his message. He will speak at the White House on Monday with local television stations serving swing states, including Colorado, Nevada and Pennsylvania.
Oil prices have been buoyed by improving confidence in the outlook for the U.S. and world economy, as well as heightened concern of fresh military conflict in the Middle East amid warnings from Israel over Iran's nuclear program.
Eager to reduce U.S. dependence on foreign oil, the White House report noted that net oil imports as a share of total U.S. consumption declined from 57 percent in 2008 to 45 percent in 2011, "the lowest level in 16 years."
Obama also has told his administration to look into possible manipulation in the oil market as well as evidence of price gouging at the pump, and has not ruled out tapping the nation's Strategic Petroleum Reserve to ease supply pressures.
"All options are at the table, because the president obviously feels the pain that the American people are facing with respect to gas prices," U.S. Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar told reporters during a White House briefing.
However, even a substantial release from reserves might not bring down pump prices.
"In the next six months, even drawing down the SPR as fast as possible, which I wouldn't advocate, is not going to see much impact," said Brookings' Ebinger.
Additional reporting by Timothy Gardner; Editing by Christopher Wilson


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The Barkley Ballroom opens tonight in Frisco
The Barkley Ballroom opens its doors tonight with five nights of live music weekly.
Known formerly as Barkley's West, the new venue will continue in the traditions that have made it one of Frisco's favorite spots through the years, with weekly Latino programming and live rock 'n' roll, but will bring in new types of programming to satisfy the needs of everyone in the county. Some of those new ideas are date nights with some of Summit County's best executive chefs plus the state's best jazz musicians and nationally recognized comedians.
"The bread and butter of The Barkley Ballroom will be bluegrass, latino and jam band music, but the versatility of the space will allow me to offer a certain bit of programming diversity not found in other venues," said new owner Todd Altschuler. "There's a group of people that may not want to go into a music venue and stand shoulder to shoulder but does like a night out with table service, food and wine and a mellow blues concert on a great sound system."
The grand opening coincides with the first of a weekly bluegrass series. Every Wednesday, a rotating cast of bluegrass musicians will come together from 9 to midnight to entertain for free. Other events over the weekend are a collaboration of musicians from bands like Frogs Gone Fishin' and The Congress on Thursday and local favorites Arnie Green and Bevan Frost on Saturday. There will be drink specials and giveaways all weekend to celebrate the grand opening.
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Bernstein in Berlin: new version of A Quiet Place revealed
Kent Nagano conducts a new chamber version of A Quiet Place, the highlight of a series at the Konzerthaus in Berlin focusing on Leonard Bernstein's music.
Berlin presents its largest-ever celebration of the music of Leonard Bernstein in November when the Konzerthaus presents a series encompassing opera, orchestral and chamber concerts, family events and films. The series is launched on 8 November with Ivan Fischer conducting suites from West Side Story and On the Town together with the Serenade for violin and orchestra. Wayne Marshall conducts the symphonies Age of Anxiety and Kaddish, and is soloist in an organ programme including improvisation on Bernstein themes. The composer's daughter Jamie Bernstein will be attending the festivities and joins Sebastian Knauer in a programme exploring the personalities in the Anniversaries for piano.
The culmination of the Bernstein series is the premiere on 27 November of a new chamber version of his final opera A Quiet Place, with Kent Nagano leading Ensemble Modern. Through productions in Houston and Vienna in the 1980s the work evolved into a full-length three-act opera, with the complexity of Bernstein's later style surrounding his earlier jazzy one-act opera Trouble in Tahiti. The editor of the new version, Garth Edwin Sunderland, notes how "the dramatic structure of the work was significantly altered, and a substantial amount of the A Quiet Place material was cut to 'make room' for the incorporation of the entirety of Trouble in Tahiti as a flashback. This version was finalized for performances in Vienna in 1986, which Bernstein recorded for Deutsche Grammophon.
"While the Vienna version is definitive, The Leonard Bernstein Office has always felt that a smaller, shorter version of the opera, using a reduced chamber orchestration, would allow for an alternate, more intimate experience of this very personal work. This new chamber version would not include Trouble in Tahiti, and would restore some of the very fine music that was cut from the Houston version, including full arias for Sam and François.
"In approaching this project, the challenge has been to preserve Bernstein's intentions for the soundworld and the drama of his music, using a radically scaled-down orchestra of 18 musicians. This chamber ensemble will not encompass the sheer volume and overwhelming force of the full orchestration, but it instead has a transparency, and an intimacy, that is appropriate to the opera's themes and its characters, and that allows for a different perspective on Bernstein's score. The music of A Quiet Place is tremendously powerful, representing Bernstein at his most complex and daring, and it is my hope that this new chamber version will provide audiences with a new insight into Bernstein's theatrical and musical genius."
In addition to the Konzerthaus series, Berlin also hosts a new production by Barrie Kosky of West Side Story at the Komische Oper. This new German version opens on 24 November with over 20 performances running through the season.
> Visit the Berlin Konzerthaus website
Photo: Susech Batah/DG


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Thinking of starting an MBA? The Telegraph is devoting a week-long focus to MBA courses. Find out which business schools are ranked the best in Europe by international employers:
10. Judge Business School, University of Cambridge (Cambridge, UK)
Cambridge University's business school squeezes into the top 10, with its
intake having an impressive seven years in work behind them – the
joint-highest among the top schools.
International employer survey score out of 100: 92.8
Average salary three months after graduation: US$94,000
Average years work experience of intake: 7
% Female Students: 26
% International Student Ratio: 94Picture: Alamy


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dgoodwin0921 needed a new logo design and created a contest on 99designs.
A winner was selected from 93 designs submitted by 22 freelance designers.
Looking for a creative design of a logo to illustrate our sites focus; bringing together job seekers and employers from the golfing industry
Desired Color Scheme:
Current site utlizes a deep green and shades of brown but open to other complimentary colors
Desired Style:
Clean, modern, unique, professional
Accepted File Formats:
GolfingCareers.com is a job board for the golf industry. It's a community / forum for bringing together job seeking individuals in the golf industry with employers.
We're hoping you can create a clean new logo that is modern, creative and professionally edgy. Traditional items for an emblem are welcome (e.g. golf balls, flags, clubs, etc) but other ideas that incorporate designs that signify a meeting place, a place to congregate, a community, etc are also welcome. And of course, even better, would be any other unique ideas I don't have the capacity to think of.
The tagline we currently have is "driving towards a better career" but is not mandatory that it is incorporated in the new logo.
Find out how a design contest works or learn more about our logo design services.


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From left: Linda Ulrich and Charles Jefferson.
SAN FRANCISCO — Wine Institute President and CEO Robert P. (Bobby) Koch announced today the appointments of Charles C. Jefferson and Linda A. Ulrich as Vice Presidents of Federal Relations for Wine Institute, effective April 15.
Charles Jefferson served as Chief of Staff for Representative Mike Thompson (CA-1), member of the House Ways and Means Committee and co-chair of the Congressional Wine Caucus, and held senior positions for former House Democratic Leader Richard A. Gephardt. Earlier in his career, Jefferson served in the Clinton White House and on several congressional campaigns in California and nationally. Jefferson most recently was Vice President at BGR Government Relations in Washington, D.C.
Linda Ulrich has served in both the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives and was Director of the Office of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in Washington, D.C. She was Deputy Chief of Staff for Representative Ken Calvert (CA-44) and most recently, Director of Oversight for the Congressional Committee on House Administration. Ulrich, who grew up in California, also served as president of the California State Society.
"Charles and Linda have extensive senior level public policy experience on Capitol Hill working with the California delegation, House and Senate Leadership, key committees and federal agencies," said Koch. "I am so pleased to have them join Wine Institute."
Wine Institute is the public policy advocacy group representing 1,000 California wineries and affiliated businesses responsible for 85 percent of the nation's wine production and 90 percent of U.S. wine exports. The California wine industry generates 820,000 jobs in the U.S. and attracts more than 21 million visitors to the state's wine regions each year.
(Editors: Individual headshots available)
Contact: Gladys Horiuchi


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Detroit automakers are beginning to outsell foreign competitors in an important sector of the US auto market: fuel-efficient vehicles.
General Motors, the world's largest car manufacturer, announced yesterday that over 40 percent of their sales in March came from fuel efficient vehicles that get at least 30 miles per gallon. That figure is dramatically higher than just four years ago, when only 16 percent of GM's sales were attributable to fuel efficient vehicles.
Yet despite the success of these cars, Republicans continue to demonize the technology. And no model has been the poster child for these unprecedented attacks more than the Chevrolet Volt, a car that makes use of both a rechargeable battery with a 40 mile range and a normal gas-powered engine for when the battery runs out.
Yesterday in Wisconsin, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney took another shot at the Volt:
"I'm not sure America was ready for the Chevy Volt. I mean, I hope it does well, I don't want to disparage any product coming out of Detroit. But I think instead of having politicians tell us what kind of cars we ought to make, we ought to let the people who are trying to understand the market make that decision."
This is not Romney's first critique of the Volt. In December, during a radio appearance on a Boston station, he laughingly dismissed the Volt as "an idea whose time has not come."
The Chevy Volt was first introduced as a concept vehicle in January 2007, fully two years before President Obama took office. And the substantial tax incentives for purchasing high efficiency and plug-in vehicles like the Volt were passed under President George W. Bush. Former President and Romney campaign surrogate George H. W. Bush just this past week bought a Volt for his son Neil.
Romney's renewed attack on the Volt places him with Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Fox News' Neil Cavuto, and Newt Gingrich, who have taken turns disparaging the car.


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I am so excited to have Debra Gwartney, author of the wonderful memoir, Live Through This: A Mother's Memoir of Runaway Daughters and Reclaimed Love, here at Mother Words today.
I first read Gwartney's writing just over a year ago when her essay, "The Long Way Home," appeared in The New York Times' Modern Love column. I'm always thrilled to hear about a wonderful mother writer, so I added Live Through This to my reading list. But then, as you know sometimes happens with me, I got busy with teaching and revising and my girls. A year passed.
When I opened her book this summer, I didn't want to put it down. I was reading it while we were up north over the 4th, and I kept trying to sneak away from the chaos of the cabin so I could finish it. (I was asked for something to eat or drink at least five times while I was closing in on the last pages. Is there anything more annoying than that?)
When I finally was able to finish Gwartney's memoir, I had tears in my eyes. In parts, the memoir is heartbreaking and terrifying, but it's also beautifully written—a testament to the power of love and the necessity of forgiveness.
After a contentious divorce, Gwartney moves with her four daughters across the country to Eugene, Oregon. But the upheaval is too much for her older daughters, Amanda and Stephanie, who begin to rebel, skipping school and staying out all night. Then, when Stephanie is fourteen and Amanda is sixteen, the girls hop on a freight train and leave home for good.
There is so much I'd like to say about this book, which was chosen as a finalist for the 2009 National Book Critics Circle Award, but I don't want to take more time away from the interview. So without further ado, I'd like to welcome Debra Gwartney to Mother Words:
KH: Debra, I think this is a tremendously brave book. You don't sugarcoat anything and most of the blame—though your ex-husband gets some of it, certainly—is directed at yourself. I'm wondering how it felt to expose yourself in this way, to examine your actions and reactions and take responsibility for them.
DG: The early drafts of the book included most of the scenes that appear in the final version—the circumstances, the characters, the unfolding of action. Those aspects were established from the beginning. But what challenged me nearly to defeat, draft after grueling draft for eight years, was understanding the dynamic, the "why" of the situation my family was caught in. I wrote many revisions, then gave those pages to trusted readers only to hear, "you're still coming off as a victim." I knew I couldn't let the manuscript go until I'd scrubbed out as much of the "victim" as possible. The reader is not interested in self-pity or in self-loathing, but instead in agency, and it was agency that I wanted to get to the heart of. As best I could. So, yes, it was definitely difficult to revisit the past—not just once or twice, but dozens of times, and each time with the intention of establishing my role in what went wrong among us. Some days I'd have to circle my computer for an hour or more, folding laundry, baking a loaf of banana bread, balancing my checkbook or whatever, all the while easing myself toward the keyboard. Sometimes I'd do the hokey thing of pretending I was putting on a big, thick cloak that made me impervious to the sorrow or pain of the past before I sat down to write. I never once thought that I should try to be brave or to write a brave book. I was just trying to be honest with myself. The fact that you call it brave is humbling and gratifying indeed.
KH: In the introduction to your memoir, you write, "I'd like to be one of those women who can confront the past's reminders […] with nothing but compassion. But apparently, I'm not there yet. Something tangled and sore remains unsolved in me. After years of trying to decode and dissect our history, of picking over episodes with my daughter (a fight over a concert, a note found under one of their beds, the nights and nights and nights they didn't come home), and crawling through the muck again to discover the origins and escalations of our troubles, I want to move on. I want to forgive—Amanda, Stephanie, myself, the times we lived in—so we can stop looking backward." Memoir writing is so much about looking back and making sense of the lives we've lived and times we've lived through, and writing memoir—for me, anyway—affects my relationship with this past. I'm wondering if that was the case for you. How did writing this book affect (if it did) your relationship with this time in your life and your daughters' lives? Did writing this story help you stop looking backward?
DG: I've come to believe that memoir is organized, as its name suggests, around memory—that is, not around events in the past, but instead how you remember events in the past. I guess more accurately: why you remember the event that way. When I gave up worrying so much about what we were all wearing, whether the scene happened on a Tuesday or a Wednesday, if it was rainy or clear, etc., and started pushing myself to understand why I clung to certain details in the memory and refused to acknowledge others—the version of the story I was overly-attached to, from which I derived my sense of identity for a long time—the writing became more rich, more evocative, more interesting (not only to me, but to others, I believe). I did develop a new relationship with the past because in order to write a book I had to tear down my own defenses about the past. In those years of trouble in my family, I'd become quite comfortable telling myself that my rebellious daughters were wrong and I was right. Only by giving up my posture as the "good" one could I move into the writing of the true story of this time. I produced hundreds of pages that did not make it into the book. I realize now that all of that scribbling led me to examine my self-delusion, my own tendency to cling to the story that protected and served me. As a writer, I needed to get to the story of a very complicated set of patterns that led to a family crisis. "We are in the presence of a mind puzzling its way out of its own shadows," Vivian Gornick writes in The Situation and The Story. That was my aim: to puzzle my way out of my own shadows. Most times that didn't feel at all nice, but instead as if my skin was being rubbed off an inch at a time. Though I didn't begin the writing as a sort of therapy, of course it became cathartic. Once I could see myself as a player in our problems, and could admit to that agency, my daughters and I could also be more open, honest, loving in discussing this still painful time.
KH: I was struck by how careful you were in writing about the parts of your daughters' lives that you didn't witness. I think there could have been a lot of speculation about what they were or were not doing on the streets, but your respectfully don't go there. Certainly there are passages in which you are worrying about their safety and wondering about where they are, etc., but for the most part, you have protected the privacy of Stephanie's and Amanda's relationship and their time on the streets, and I was really impressed by the way you were able to tell a full story without divulging this information.
With that said, writing about adult children can be tricky, and I'm wondering if you can talk a little about how you navigated this with her daughters. In the acknowledgments you write, "Not one word of this book would have been written if I hadn't felt my daughters' support behind me—behind this effort to get a complicated family story on paper." How involved were your daughters in processing the content of this book? Did you get their feedback as you were writing or wait until you had finished a full draft? Or even later? Did they get veto power over the content of the book?
Have their feelings about the book changed since it was published?
DG: You're so right that the single copy of the manuscript on my desk was a much different entity than the published book on a shelf in a library or bookstore. My relationship with the physical object changed hugely once it was published—the old cliché that I realized it was no longer mine alone, but now belonged to the world of readers—and I'm sure my daughters also struggled with the difference between the idea of the book and the reality of the book.
But back to your first point: In early drafts of the manuscript, I attempted to explain my daughters' motives and actions. It was weak and uninspired writing, for sure, but I didn't know how to make a book without filling readers in about what these primary characters, my girls, were up to. Then Amanda, Stephanie, and I did a segment for This American Life, produced by our dear friend Sandy Tolan. When the three of us sat down to listen to our voices on the radio parsing our own raw experience—oh what an hour that was!—the girls could not stop staring at each other. Absolute intensity between them. They were both very emotional, and for the first time I really got it: they have a story of their time on the streets that is not my story, that will never be my story, and that I really have no right to explore because it does not belong to me. I returned to my writing with a new goal, and that was to write only and exclusively my version of the story, and to leave their version alone. I had to divulge a little of what the girls were up to, where they were, but I was scrupulous (I hope) in not allowing myself conjecture as to their motives or emotions. If they want to write about that time, they can delineate what was going on in their own hearts and minds. My job, I felt, was to explore the angry, defensive, hurt, lost mother left behind and the ways in which I had to relearn the meaning of motherhood if I was going to have a lasting relationship with my daughters.
When I finally produced a manuscript worthy of a good agent—that is, honest enough, well written enough—and the fabulous Gail Hochman agreed to represent me, I realized I was on new ground. This book could become a reality now that an agent was going to present it to editors, and it was time to hash out that possibility with my children. I gave Amanda and Stephanie each a copy and I told them to be brutally honest with me about every word. If in the end they didn't want me to publish the book, I wouldn't (I certainly would have argued with them, though, I must admit). They both returned with many comments, some bitterly hard to take, but also with their mutual blessing to publish. Later, I gave the manuscript to the younger girls and we had a good talk about the contents and their mixed feelings about the story out in the public arena.
Looking back, that part was fairly easy.
What's been hard is the publicity around the book, which the girls have considered exploitative at times, and which has caused anger/rifts between us (all healed now). They were incredibly good sports about the interviews and photos and all that, but they're done participating, and I totally understand their need to be finished. Hardest of all for us—the truly nasty and consistently anonymous comments about our family life that have appeared on various websites, mostly by people who admit they haven't read the book but still have a thing or two to say about what's wrong with us. Perhaps I brought such ruthlessness on myself, but I'm terribly sorry my daughters have had to bear the brunt of public anger.
KH: I'm very interested in how authors turn short essays into memoirs, and I'm wondering if you can talk a little about the process of writing this book. I know you first wrote and published short essays that told parts of this larger story. How did you move into working on the memoir? I'd love it if you could describe the process of creating a continuous narrative from these separate pieces.
DG: When I was younger, I wanted to be a fiction writer and in fact spent most of my creative time hammering away on short stories. Then, when I was a graduate student at the University of Arizona (in journalism, not creative writing) I took several classes with Vivian Gornick, who opened this giant and magnificent door into the world of memoir. I really had no grasp of the genre back then, but after I read such books as Duke of Deception, Stop-Time, Fierce Attachments, My Father and Myself, Confessions of a Catholic Girlhood, My Mother's House, etc., in her classes, I was certain I wanted to write personal narrative. I tried my hand at some short pieces about my childhood. But then my writing life (except for journalism, which is how I made my living) came to a grinding halt after my divorce, and into the trouble with the girls. It was only after Amanda and Stephanie were back and fairly settled that I tentatively wrote a brief piece about looking for Stephanie in San Francisco. The essay was published in Creative Nonfiction and was a notable essay that year in Best American Essays and (prematurely) got me a bit of agent attention. Around the same time, I published a piece on Salon (The Mothers Who Think column, which I sorely miss), and another in Fourth Genre. Once I had four, five, six twenty-page brief memoir pieces I thought it would be oh-so easy to line them up into a book. I had no idea what I was in for. The arc of a three-thousand-word nonfiction story is quite different that the larger, sustained arc one must discover for a book. I tried for several years and failed quite miserably in my efforts. At that point, I knew I needed help. So I returned to school. I enrolled in the low-residency program at Bennington College and within weeks was on the right track. I worked with absolutely amazing teachers: Phillip Lopate, Sven Birkerts, Bob Shacochis, and by the time I finished the program, I had a book. An honest to goodness book that made sense, had a solid structure, and held together in way that pleased me. It was an expensive decision, Bennington, but I'm convinced I wouldn't have understood how to go from essay to book-length without that training.
KH: I was also struck by how circular the narrative felt at points. There are places where you are in a scene, then back up and explain how you got there, then you're back in the scene, and then forward in time. My thought as I was reading was that this heightens the disorientation and the just-getting-by feeling that you seemed to be feeling at the time. I'd love if you could talk a little about the construction of the book, and whether this was a conscious choice or if it's just how the narrative emerged in the writing process.
DG: I'm delighted by this question, actually, because the narrative was even more circular when I turned it into my brilliant editor at Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, Deanne Urmy. She and I talked a whole lot about structure and chronology—what would engage a reader and what would cause a reader to simply give up. While writing the book, I relished the idea of suspending time. For me, the layering of events, no matter the month or year those events took place, helped establish the patterns that eventually led to our troubles. Sven Birkerts writes about this kind of structuring in his marvelous book Art of Time in Memoir, and cautions (wisely I think) against the tendency to get episodic, this happened, and then this happened, and then this. . .
I was much more interested in delving into symbols, metaphors and lyricism, than adhering to chronology, and I tended to pick up on a detail—putting the tent up in our living room, or standing in the rain in the downtown square confronting my daughters, or eating at a Chinese food restaurant with Amanda—and let my writerly mind make intuitive connections with other times, other episodes. So it was a swirl—the disorientation of that period in my family life, as you say, but also the recognition of the nature of your heart and mind when you're trying to sort out your life, or a significant portion of your life. All kinds of information and memories, and from many different times, pour in as you strive to understand how you got to this point, to this place. At least that's how the process worked for me, and I wanted the writing to express that somehow. Deanne Urmy wisely convinced me to make the narrative more straightforward, less discombobulated, and I soon agreed that was the way to go. Still, the narrative isn't linear, and I hope I was able to express the encounters with time, images, and emotions as I began to reconcile the past with the present.
KH: A number of readers of this blog are mother writers working on memoirs and novels. Time and again we hear that the mother memoir market is "cashed out," that these types of books "don't sell." This is clearly not the case, and I'd love if you could talk a little about your journey from manuscript to book. What roadblocks did you encounter along the way?
DG: I've asked my agent several times (now that I'm working on a new project, and of course caught up in the anxiety of getting this one eventually published, having heard many times that it's actually harder to publish a second book than a first) about what's selling and what's not, and she wisely tells me, "There's always a market for a really good book." Which is her way of saying: go write a really good book. I hope I can do that.
Backing up three years or so: It was not one bit easy to sell Live Through This. I'd convinced myself it would be. I'd send Gail my manuscript and within days, hours even, she'd have an offer. But the manuscript was rejected by quite a few editors and a good number of publishing houses, and I grew despondent as the no thank yous kept piling up. But then I'd force myself back into the writing, trying to make passages stronger (editors consistently complained that the narrator wasn't "likeable," a confounding dilemma, since that narrator was a persona made from me) and the stakes clearer. Months passed, and I was wondering if a huge rewrite was in order, and then—rather quickly and delightfully—Deanne Urmy accepted the book. I often wish I could go back to the moment when Gail called with the news. The relief, the joy, the sense of accomplishment. I'll never forget it. Equally as gratifying and thrilling was the moment I learned the book was a finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award (I replay that one a whole lot, too, when I am discouraged about the writing life).
At one point along the way in trying to sell the book, someone called it a "momoir," which bugged the hell out of me. I'm left to sort out my strong reaction to that silly quip. Live Through This is, in my way of thinking, a book about motherhood. About my illusions of motherhood as a young woman, and the critical need to smash those illusions so I could learn to know my children as real, vibrant, capable people. But I don't want that effort to be belittled by calling it a "momoir." Once the book was published, I noticed the bias against "mother" narratives: they can't be all that serious as literary ventures, they can't hold up against the new, edgy nonfiction out there. On the contrary, I say. It seems to me that we need, more than ever, to hear from mothers who are willing to dig in to both the utter joys and the frighteningly dark side of parenting, who aren't afraid to express fears, doubts, guilt about raising children in an extraordinarily difficult time. It would be a tragedy for a woman to stop writing because she believes there's no market for books about mothering and motherhood—because a well-written book is going to say something profound about the human condition, and we need to hear the voices of women who can express the plight we're all in as humans.
KH: What kinds of reactions have you received from readers?
DG: I've received hundreds of emails from parents—and I'm deeply grateful for each one—who've gone through some kind of similar difficulty with teens. Some write about teenagers who are surly and hard to deal with but are still at home; some have written me about daughters who've been gone for decades without a word. Heartbreaking for sure. It's nearly impossible to talk publicly about your children who've run away from home, because the automatic assumption for most people is that you're an abusive parent. I'm pleased that some parents who are suffering through this nightmarish experience have read my book and feel like they can reach out to me.
I've also heard from parents of young children, who've been hugely supportive of the story; from young people who were once out on the street and perhaps now have more compassion for the parents they left behind; from lawmakers, police, agencies who say they're glad to know more about one mother's point of view in all of this. Very gratifying.
As I mentioned earlier, I've also been lambasted by some readers (and some nonreaders). I find it curious that the angriest notes come from people who admit they haven't read the book but are angered by it anyway. Some who have read the book are infuriated by its contents and by my actions. I'm astonished at the fury this memoir has stirred up. One woman sought me out at the NBCC ceremony to tell me that the book "disgusted" her. She chewed me out about what a bad mother I am right there in the beautiful New York City literary venue—what a shocker. But such reactions come with the territory. The negative responses upset me, of course, but then I try to remember that I wanted to write a book that pushed as hard as it could against the truth, against honesty and my own terribly difficult struggle to know myself better as a woman and a mother. Of course plopping such personal and raw material out there for all to see is going to offend some readers.
Thanks so much for your time, Debra! I do have to chime in here at the end and say how much I also hate the term "momoir," which I've blogged about here at Mother Words. I'm also discouraged that readers (and nonreaders!) would judge a mother who has bravely written about the most difficult time in her life. I am grateful to Debra for having written such a well-crafted and honest memoir. Go buy this book, people.


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Three Men Arrested in Libor Interest Rate Scam
Three men have been arrested in connection with a LIBOR interest rate-rigging scandal, and Delta acquires 49 percent of Virgin Atlantic for $360 Million. WSJ's Polya Lesova reports on the News Hub. Photo: Bloomberg.
This transcript has been automatically generated and may not be 100% accurate.
... the the ... let's see more immediate met ... Matt is ... funny Lesova for MarketWatch is here today ... to go to Markets cooks aam and that other breaking news to do with the guys that did the Delta and Dom an additional anti coal and revealing that this kind of embarassed Indiana sector this morning don't announced it will pay three hundred and fifty million dollars to buy a twenty nine percent stake in the region are planting ... aam and that that would single city to ban friend ... Alberto eking a majority stake so they'll keep fifty one percent ... with this new joint venture at the two airlines hoped to expand ... I did pass Atlantic Matt twenty and dealt a serious heavy activity posted this when you get a deal out ... of up two percent and the stick here and and and done some of these is well ... and done some modeling use of the recent unrest in London yes I'll remind them we got news this morning that he'd been dismantled have been arrested in connection ... with its investigation into day care meeting today being of the London interbank offered rate ... this seems to be a new phase ... I into this hospital was pretty tasty seen from London ... is the isthe Bell ... pub ... GMT Hon ... program and and ... Helena toddy what what distinctive is that the latest on this is on the ongoing scandal for some time ... what we know that these arrests and ... was a little snow ... bullying is on Seiyu that this Deckers said it three all E Lee's increased Apple's we don't know what I say will pull all isn't that the treaties of thirty three ... and forty seven years old ... on top but you know as as as you what was to see that just isn't a new phase will receive Ellison CEO ... Barclays being knocked off his perch by the Solus cattle we've also seen ups on ... you know having to fork out to it's it's it's ... it's payments because of its parts and partake in the libelous cattle ... ultralow back to Scotland is in the middle of toast to the authorities ... subdued in the Wallis Worldwide Amina Live was an incredibly important rate ... write an investment in one point isn't that the human angle to it now I mention where individuals to getting caught in the next ... so given the SEC's to see if this is ... the first three of many I mean ... you know ... as as as as a deal to sell a banks involved in the city of the liable rate on so many people mostly involved in the way that rate was the essential ... as the accusations applying the moment to a was being manipulated ought to have to make its effects and up you ... still the tots ... and Umaga has resigned from a snake ... so it was so part of what else beyond that we would have on tap today ... well contained a very different began its two-day I was going on at the meeting found ... and so tomorrow we'll find out ... what they've decided most expectations are that the Fed ... I would decide to employees that there's a bomb which is by about twenty point five billion a month ... to compensate for the fact that operation Twist ... bow and and aam and that will also get tomorrow but Bettman and his press conference today my inner desires into statistically up by the way we will have full coverage of that at two o'clock when without the that that that that the D tells are coming ... to ... Canada ... and the country and tell us tied to the Fed's effect on the fiscal cliff morning trading band snapped ... up close and tight these days ... oh we also got some U S economic data this morning while we are into the U S trade deficit rose above five percent ... I know Pilbara ... and exports fell by around one percent ... aam and and I headed back in Germany they actually had some positive economic news ... a closely watched index of mind to mind ... I investors is an team doing the contenders zero indicate a need to know more sharply than expected ... I and and that has that given the boost investor sentiment European stocks were higher ... on me this morning and I hear in the U S with thinks U S stock futures rising modestly McCain had ... I may need to do with it to kill it with Steve to do it stops wanted to do with what should be on base ... oh well I didn't mention it ... before and don't doubt will be interesting ... um I think abt will be interesting after the test and now is that it will ... sell its remaining stake ... um dollar General also haven't felt this morning ... so those are some of the Stoxx what one thing this morning trade on a thank you very much his time


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