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1043 Senior Systems Engineer
IS Engineer-Senior
Recruitment #TEX-1043-092412
|Department of Technology
|Carol Wong
|Date Opened
|Filing Deadline
|$58.90 - $74.09/hour; $10,209.00 - $12,842.00/month; $122,512.00 - $154,102.00/year
|Job Type
|Temporary Exempt
Applicants are encouraged to apply immediately as this recruitment may close at any time but not earlier than March 21, 2019. The position is open until filled.
The Department of Technology is the centralized technology services provider within San Francisco City & County government, delivering technology infrastructure and services to approximately 33,000 employees and 800,000 residents. The department has an annual operating budget of over $130M and contains over 220 employees. Core service areas include: Infrastructure and Operations, Technology Security, Service Delivery & Management, Enterprise Applications, Project Management Office, Public Safety Systems & Wiring, Technology Administration, Policy & Governance and IT Public Communications.
The primary responsibility of the Senior Systems Engineer is to effectively manage & administer a complex multi-tenant private cloud infrastructure. Aspects of this position include backup, recovery, capacity and disaster recovery planning, provisioning, installation/configuration, operations and maintenance of systems hardware and software, report creation and distribution, service level support.
The emphasis for the Senior Systems Engineer position will manage the architecture, administration, maintenance, development, and implementation of policies and procedures for providing recovery of data and systems.
In this position the incumbent must have the ability to determine, plan & understand the complexities of VDCs, the systems or networking components & requirements to plan for or enhance the needs of the Enterprise system or network. Troubleshoot and resolve VDC problems with minimal disruption to the system or network; exercise judgment, decisiveness and creativity in designing, planning, troubleshooting and integration of large complex systems or networks based on the potential benefits and/or consequences; develop alternative solutions within established guidelines and standards; communicate effectively orally and in writing; establish good working relationships with other IS professionals, vendors, management and departments; read and understand professional journals, manuals and literature; and prioritize competing requests for service.
The 1043 Senior Systems Engineer assignments are in a highly technical area which supports VDCs residing in geo diverse data centers which host multiple City client departments. The Senior Systems Engineer will provide functional and technical expertise; develop and/or modify procedures to solve VDC issues; perform multiple software functions and support hardware platforms.
Essential Duties:
- Design, plan, install, test, integrate, implement, document, maintain and enhance the physical and logical components of a large complex system of virtual servers, virtual server platforms and storage as well as 3rd party cloud offerings (Azure, AWS, Google) & Disaster Recovery Architecture. This may involve the analysis and evaluation of systems software, hardware and communications strategies.
- Manages disaster recovery and resumption plans.
- Collaborate with other City departments in datacenter disaster recovery plan, including remote hot site replication of critical infrastructure
- Experience with best practices, and procedures within the VM platforms, VDC Operations, & disaster recovery
- Plan, implement and provide senior level support pertaining for Cloud technologies related to PaaS, Saas & IaaS.
- Providing Linux OS and Windows Server administration skills to maintain, manage, administer access, control and perform upgrades of the server infrastructure supporting all business and infrastructure host systems on various virtual environment, and traditional implementations
- Performing system modifications to accommodate hardware and OS version upgrades
- Installing and hardening Linux & Windows operating systems and planning for applying security and recommended patches on a regularly scheduled basis
- Performing system modifications to accommodate hardware and OS version upgrades
- Managing storage allocation and back-up/recovery operations
- Troubleshooting of system performance in collaboration with application support, database administration and network administration groups.
- Working and troubleshooting network infrastructure with the Department of Technology staff including switches, routers and firewalls
- Working in close collaboration with City Wide technology staff in the support and maintenance of the network, security and hardware support teams to accomplish desired results
- Participating in on-call rotation and maintenance of server support and performing other duties as assigned
- Ability to thrive in time-sensitive, results oriented environment
- Relies on experience and judgment to plan and accomplish goals.
- Leads and directs the work of others.
- A wide degree of creativity and latitude is required.
- Manages daily activities for ensuring the security and integrity of company data, databases, information systems, and technology.
- Cross-train in various support areas in order to provide assistance during afterhours on-call rotation
- Assist in developing best practices and procedures for Oracle Engineered systems operations
- Help support Level 1, 2, 3, troubleshooting with 24x7 support
- Document procedures and troubleshooting steps related to all aspects of our hybrid cloud infrastructure, including but not exclusive to underlying hardware comprising compute (blades), storage (SAN/NAS), storage and data networks, and software, Azure cloud; develop and review documentation prior to general distribution.
- Assist in establishing policies, procedures and standards. Develop alternative solutions to problems within established guidelines and standards.
- Provision or install all underlying virtual platform components, including but not exclusive to compute, storage, and network platforms.
- Ensure system recoverability and performance stability of all aspects of software and hardware comprising our hybrid cloud environment encompassing on premise virtual platform and virtual machines running on the platform, both management and tenant.
- Perform departmental and system-wide virtual and storage system assessments, including "physical to virtual" and "virtual to virtual" server migrations over dissimilar platforms and technologies. Optimize software and hardware parameters for smooth integration/migration and assist in determining network efficiencies.
- Act as the liaison between vendors, technical support hot-lines and departments to resolve complex system problems as needed. Assist in the coordination and implementation of corrective measures; this may involve site visits, telephone assistance, remote systems management, and participation in technical committees. - Participate and/or drive the establishment of standard engineering practices for service, project delivery and documentation.
- Respond to service request and incident assignments, validating incident and request information, executing and closing assigned tickets, engaging Operations and Support organizations as needed to provide a positive support experience for the client or tenant.
- Perform other related duties as requested.
Job Type:
The Temporary Exempt- Full Time position is excluded by the Charter from the competitive civil service examination process and shall serve at the discretion of the appointing officer. The anticipated duration of this project position is twenty-four (24) months and will not result in an eligible list or permanent civil service hiring.
Nature of Work:
Incumbent must be willing to work a 40-hour per week schedule and may be required to work additional hours when necessary as determined by the department.
Work Location:
Incumbent will conduct the majority of work at the Department of Technology, 1 South Van Ness. However, there may be situations where the incumbent will be required to work at other sites throughout the City of San Francisco as necessary.
Minimum Qualifications
These minimum qualifications establish the education, training, experience, special skills and/or license(s) which are required for employment in the classification. Please note, additional qualifications (i.e., special conditions) may apply to a particular position and will be stated on the exam/job announcement.
An associate degree in computer science or a closely related field from an accredited college or university OR its equivalent in terms of total course credits/units [i.e., at least sixty (60) semester or ninety (90) quarter credits/units with a minimum of twenty (20) semester or thirty (30) quarter credits/units in computer science or a closely-related field].
Three (3) years of experience analyzing, installing, configuring, enhancing, and/or maintaining the components of an enterprise network.
Additional experience as described above may be substituted for the required degree on a year-for-year basis (up to a maximum of two (2) years). One (1) year is equivalent to thirty (30) semester units/ forty-five (45) quarter units with a minimum of 10 semester / 15 quarter units in computer science or a closely related field.
Desirable Qualifications:
Previous as an IS Engineer Senior or related experience in a large enterprise environment that demonstrates the knowledge and ability to perform essential duties; experience working with Linux and Windows Server administration skills to maintain, manage, administer access, control and perform upgrades of the infrastructure supporting all business and infrastructure host systems on private cloud virtual environment, experience working as a VDC support engineer, Solid understanding of load balancing, horizontal scaling, UNIX-related network services, TCP/IP networking, DNS and HTTP(s); Experience in project management; Familiarity with Windows Server OS, WSH, Perl, Visual Basic or batch file commands; Experience with Visio; Ability to interact effectively with team members and all levels of users; and to balance customer needs while adhering to corporate and department policies; Attention to detail and commitment to quality; Ability to develop and follow written procedures and guidelines; Project planning and execution; and Ability to work well with limited supervision; and to multi-task and deal with changing and competing priorities.
Disaster Recovery/Business Continuity Program Development expertise
Experience with disaster recovery policy and management, and process development and improvement.
Senior engineer level understanding of Windows Unix/Linux Operating Systems: Red Hat, Solaris, CentOS
Virtualization: VMware
Storage: Network Appliance, EMC, Oracle Pillar
Strong SAN, NAS knowledge
Experience with virtual/Cloud data center consolidations, relocations, or moves.
Experience with public cloud workload migrations
Experience with DR/BC strategy
Experience with DR Plans/Playbook/Orchestration
Experience with DR Testing and Exercise
Experience in government and/or public safety environment.
Experience working with and configuring VMware vCloud Networking and Security (VCNS), VMware vShield and associated components and appliances.
Hands on experience implementing and supporting VMware vCloud Director 5.x, or vCloud Automation Center 6.x.
Experience implementing and regularly utilizing VMware Operations Center 5.8/6.
Hands on experience supporting other Virtual Machine Technologies such as Microsoft Hyper-V or AWS.
Experience with vCenter Orchestrator (VCO) or Puppet orchestration tools.
In depth knowledge of Cisco Unified Computing System (UCS) Blade Servers and their respective management software platforms.
n depth knowledge of Storage Area Network management tools/software, such as EMC's Unified Infrastructure Manager or NetApp's On Command system, and associated replication methodologies.
Experience with implementing disaster recovery and high availability architectures utilizing SAN and VMware based replication technologies and tools such as VMware Site Recovery Manager (SRM).
Experience with Windows Server 2008/2012, Active Directory, and Red Hat Linux provisioning in a multi-domain environment.
Current Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer certification (MCSE) on Security and Windows Server 2012 Active Directory.
VMware Certified Systems Engineer certifications such as VMware VCAP-DCA, VCAP-CIA and VCP-NV Certification or higher.
Special Requirements:
Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Security Clearance may be required. (See Security Clearances and Background Investigations below).
1. Medical Testing: Prior to appointment, eligible candidates must successfully pass the TB testing process.
2. Security Clearances & Background Investigations: Positions in this classification may require that successful candidates who become eligible for appointment may be required to go through a background investigation to determine the candidate's suitability for employment in this classification. Factors considered in the investigation may include employment history, use of illegal/controlled substances. Reasons for rejection based on this investigation may include, but not limited to: applicable convictions, repeated or serious violations of the law, inability to accept supervision, inability to follow rules and regulations, falsification of application materials and/or other relevant factors. Failure to obtain and maintain security clearance may be basis for termination.
How To Apply
Applications for City and County of San Francisco jobs are only accepted through an online process. Visit www.jobaps.com/sf to register an account (if you have not already done so) and begin the application process.
§ Select the desired job announcement
§ Select "Apply" and read and acknowledge the information
§ Select either "I am a New User" if you have not previously registered, or "I have Registered Previously"
§ Follow instructions on the screen
Computers are available for the public (from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Monday through Friday) to file online applications in the lobby of the Dept. of Human Resources at 1 South Van Ness Avenue, 4th Floor, San Francisco.
Applicants may be contacted by email about this announcement and, therefore, it is their responsibility to ensure that their registered email address is accurate and kept up-to-date. Also, applicants must ensure that email from CCSF is not blocked on their computer by a spam filter. To prevent blocking, applicants should set up their email to accept CCSF mail from the following addresses (@sfgov.org, @sfdpw.org, @sfport.com, @flysfo.com, @sfwater.org, @sfdph.org, @asianart.org, @sfmta.com, @sfpl.org, @dcyf.org, @first5sf.org).
Applicants will receive a confirmation email that their online application has been received in response to every announcement for which they file. Applicants should retain this confirmation email for their records. Failure to receive this email means that the online application was not submitted or received.
All work experience, education, training and other information substantiating how you meet the minimum qualifications must be included on your application by the filing deadline. Information submitted after the filing deadline will not be considered in determining whether you meet the minimum qualifications. Resumes may be attached to the application; however, resumes will not be accepted in lieu of a completed City and County of San Francisco application.
Applications completed improperly may be cause for ineligibility, disqualification or may lead to lower scores.
Note: Falsifying one's education, training, or work experience or attempted deception on the application may result in disqualification for this and future job opportunities with the City and County of San Francisco.
If you have any questions regarding this recruitment or application process, please contact the exam analyst, Carol Wong, by telephone at 652-628-5045, or by email at email@example.com.
Selection Procedures
Supplemental Questionnaire (Qualifying and Informational):
Applicants will be prompted to complete a supplemental questionnaire as part of the online employment application. It is essential that applicants provide complete information in identifying their education, experience, training and licensure, consistent with the information provided on their application. The supplemental questionnaire will be used to evaluate whether applicants meet the minimum qualifications. The Questionnaire will also be used to assess the applicant's knowledge, skills, and abilities as they relate to the this position. Applicants must also complete the official application. The information in the supplemental questionnaire will not be scored and is collected for informational purposes.
The Department may establish and implement additional screening mechanisms to comparatively evaluate qualifications of candidates. If this becomes necessary, only those applicants whose qualifications most closely meet the needs of the Department will be invited for an interview.
Note: Applicants who meet the minimum qualifications are not guaranteed to advance through all of the steps in the selection process.
Applicants may be required to submit verification of qualifying education and experience at any point during the recruitment and selection process. If education verification is required, information on how to verify education requirements, including verifying foreign education credits or degree equivalency, can be found at http://sfdhr.org/index.aspx?page=456
Conviction History
As a selected candidate for a job, you will be fingerprinted, and your fingerprints will be sent to the California Department of Justice (DOJ) and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). The resulting report of your conviction history (if any) will be used to determine whether the nature of your conviction (or arrest, in limited circumstances) conflicts with the specific duties and responsibilities of the job for which you are a selected candidate. If a conflict exists, you will be asked to present any evidence of rehabilitation that may mitigate the conflict, except when federal or state regulations bar employment in specific circumstances, such as:
Candidates for positions with the Unified School District and the Community College District may be disqualified from consideration should their conviction history not meet the standards established under the California Education Code.
Candidates for positions with the Recreation and Park Department may be disqualified from consideration should their conviction history not meet the standards established under California Public Resources Code 5164.
Having a conviction history does not automatically preclude you from a job with the City.
If you are a selected candidate, the hiring department will contact you to schedule a fingerprinting appointment.
Disaster Service Workers
All City and County of San Francisco employees are designated Disaster Service Workers through state and local law (California Government Code Section 3100-3109). Employment with the City requires the affirmation of a loyalty oath to this effect. Employees are required to complete all Disaster Service Worker-related training as assigned, and to return to work as ordered in the event of an emergency.
Terms of Announcement:
Applicants must be guided solely by the provisions of this announcement, including requirements, time periods and other particulars, except when superseded by federal, state or local laws, rules or regulations. Clerical errors may be corrected by the posting the correction on the Department of Human Resources website at www.jobaps.com/sf.
All persons entering the City and County of San Francisco workforce are required to provide verification of authorization to work in the United States. Please be informed that the Department of Technology will not sponsor visa applications/transfers.
Issued: March 7, 2019
Micki Callahan
Human Resources Director
Department of Human Resources
Recruitment ID Number: TEX-1043-092412
All employees hired on or after January 10, 2009 will be required (pursuant to San Francisco Charter Section A8.432) to contribute 2% of pre-tax compensation to fund retiree healthcare. In addition, most employees are required to make a member contribution towards retirement, ranging from 7.5%-13.25% of compensation. For more information on these provisions, please contact the personnel office of the hiring agency.
For more information about benefits, please click here.
Click on a link below to apply for this position:
|Fill out the Supplemental Questionnaire and Application NOW using the Internet.
|View and print the Supplemental Questionnaire.
|This recruitment requires completion of a supplemental questionnaire. You may view and print the supplemental questionnaire here.


text:
Gaz Man 18084 Hawaiian Print Shirt: Navy
Nothing says summer like a Hawaiian print shirt. Made from pure cotton this navy short sleeve shirt features a white Hawaiian print which looks especially smart when paired together with tapered shorts. Regular fit shirts are designed with comfort and wearability in mind. A fuller cut, Regular fit shirts provide room through the chest, arms and waist.

subset: commoncrawl


text:
At Great Power War, we cover the latest news and developments involving the world's great and regional powers including information about war indicators, geopolitical developments, new weapons, intelligence, foreign policy, diplomacy, and actual war.
About the editor:
Jon Dougherty has 30 years' worth of experience as a journalist, political analyst, and national and domestic security policy researcher. He has a BA in Political Science, an MA in National Security Studies and Intelligence Analysis, and spent 15 years in the military with overseas deployments to Japan and Afghanistan. He is also the author of the 2003 book "Illegals."


text:
Global manufacturing and technology company Emerson has introduced the Performance Learning Platform, a technology training solution that enables hands-on training to prepare workers to maintain their plant safely and efficiently.
The platform highlights the skills essential to fostering digital transformation, whilst helping to close the workforce skills gap. Emerson's collaboration with both the private industry and high education has revealed an urgent need to address the gap in digital technologies.
According to a 2018 Manufacturing Institute Study, the skills gap may leave an estimated 2.4million positions unfilled between 2018 and 2028.
"We designed the Performance Learning Platform as a flexible, hands-on training tool with real-world instrumentation that will help bridge a critical knowledge and skills gap that continues to challenge the industry," said Jeff Hackney, Global Educational Services Director for Emerson's Automation Solutions business.
"This gap exists in large part because technological advances are outpacing the industry's current training strategies and tools," said Hackney.
The Performance Learning Platform aims to help a new generation of workers become adept at applying, using and maintaining the latest digital automation technologies. The platform also provides process control and instrumentation simulation to train or refresh current workers on how to monitor and control complex operations.
Ranken Technical College in St Louis, US, has worked closely with Emerson to develop and utilise the platform for developing the skills Ranken students now need in the workforce.
"Rapid integration of emerging technologies is crucial for future economic growth," said Stan Shoun, president of Ranken Technical College.
"The Performance Learning Platform allows industry and education to provide the hands-on automation training needed globally. Ranken is very proud to be part of this initiative," Shoun concluded.
The platform is another offering in Emerson's portfolio of advanced workforce development offerings.


text:
Earlier this month, I had the chance to spend an evening with Marcy and Steve photographing their country engagement session in Innisfil, Ontario. The weather was beautiful (thank goodness, since this was a re-scheduled shoot because of really heavy rain a few weeks prior). The location was also beautiful - a friend's parent's property. It turns out that I'm not the only one that went to high school with the property owner's kids... Steve and Marcy did too! Small world. Anyway, I had a great time shooting this engagement session. Marcy and Steve were great... and didn't complain at all (to me) when I asked them to kiss one hundred times... We may have even seen a wolf at the end of our session...
Marcy and Steve are getting married next month at Liberty North in Barrie, Ontario. I can't wait. You guys are great together and I'm thrilled that you chose me to help document this special time in your lives.
By the way, this location is also the home of Stone House Studio Designs. Sandra makes beautiful greeting cards, tote bags, cushion covers and aprons using vintage graphics. Like her studio page on facebook by following this link.
Now. here's a bunch of my favourite pics from their session. Enjoy!


text: The Bath Planning Board has been hard at work crafting a new Land Use Code ordinance to establish legislation on adult use and medical marijuana. The Planning Board will be holding another Public Hearing to review the proposed Land Use Code amendment on July 9, 2019 at 6:00 P.M. in the City Council Chambers at City Hall. If you would like more information please contact the Bath Planning Office at 443-8363 or attend the Public Hearing.


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Calgary Zoo
Tiger at Calgary Zoo © Tony Hisgett
Canada's second largest zoo is home to more than 1,000 animals from all over the world, as well as a variety of fish and insects in natural habitat enclosures. It also features a prehistoric park with 19 life-size animatronic dinosaurs on display.
The botanic gardens include a 20,000 square foot (1,858 sq m) conservatory, butterfly garden, and a special Rocky Mountains exhibit featuring many indigenous Alberta animals, including the endangered Whooping Crane. The zoo is situated close to the downtown area, on St George's Island, and is a wonderful treat for the whole family.
Address: 210 St. George's Drive North East
Website: www.calgaryzoo.com
Telephone: (403) 232 9300
Opening times: Daily 9am-5pm
Admission: $34.95 adults, $24.95 children, other concessions available.


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G20 security: Detained
- June 21, 2010 8:40 PM |
- By G20 Street Team
Security fence in downtown Toronto. (Zach Bussey)
By Zach Bussey, G20 citizen blogger
Monday, June 21 commenced the first day of police security operations. Naturally, as a resident of Toronto, I was curious to see the full scope of the fences and police force. When I got down there, I wasn't disappointed. Police were on every street corner, in cruisers, on horses, on bikes and on foot.
To get a full feel for how big the fenced-off area was, I took a walk around the entire fence. Something that felt similar to a walk on Vancouver's seawall, but much less beautiful. It actually proved to be quite fun to have a structured walk to follow.
G20 security fence in front of Union Station. (Zach Bussey)
But this is where the story turns a little bit. Walking back through the downtown core, I snapped a few pictures of fences, police on corners and other interesting sights. My activity apparently raised some suspicion because within seconds of snapping a photo of a group of police standing beside a fence, two police officers approached me and questioned me about what I was doing.
I told them that I was there because it's not every day your city is turned into a war zone and it was interesting. This was an apparently insufficient answer as they asked me to come with them to the side of a building, removed from the main sidewalk. They questioned me again about my intent and also my name. I gave it to them openly. I had no ill intent being there, I just wanted to experience what we Torontonians were experiencing.
A group of police officers near Union Station. (Zach Bussey)
They had me sit there for roughly 25 to 30 minutes, without telling me why I was being detained. Nightmarish scenarios entered my mind: visions of being arrested for the duration of the meetings, maybe I'd have a permanent record now, or be put on a watch list, or maybe I'd even be tortured! These did not prove to be the case as a female police officer, who seemed shocked to see me there, told me kindly that I could leave. Apparently my 30-minute timeout was over.
What? Really? No waterboarding for me? Great! But wait... why was I detained anyway? Why wasn't I informed of what I was being held for? Immediately I recounted my story in 140 characters on Twitter, I felt violated. The lack of communication had me in a frenzy of frustration.
I sat down and sent a text message to my dad, a guy I can always turn to with problems who'll provide a voice of reason and he assured me I was fine (Happy Belated Father's Day!). Then, after taking a few deep breaths, I started to think it through.
Perhaps I did something they thought was suspicious? I was wearing a polo shirt and shorts, so among those in suits, I did stand out a bit. Then I admit, I was caught in the excitement of it all and was making strange decisions where I'd turn back and go the way I just came from, or cross the street without really realizing I'd not be able to get through the fence. So maybe there was some cause for concern.
I've come to accept and am okay with what happened today. I understand tension is high and they've got to keep their eyes open for security threats. Maybe they had first-day jitters too?
I think all of us can accept that mistakes can be made. But there has to be better handling if this is going to be a common occurrence this week. Police need to communicate better with who they are questioning.
No one is going to accept a temporary suspension of our rights because world leaders are in town. So please Integrated Security Unit, do it right. This is Canada -- the best country in the world. I think I deserved better.
Related: A message to the security fence
Related: G20 security fence: Close-up
Related: G20: Map of restrictions
About the Blog
CBC News Your Voice has assembled a team of citizen bloggers and CBC staff to bring you a street level view of Toronto during the global conference. From residents who live inside the security perimeter to business owners and students eager to share their perspectives, the G20: Street Level team will provide you with a 360-degree view of the summit's impact.
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Canada hosts the world[an error occurred while processing this directive]
- Main page
- G8 and G20 news and video
- Stories by day
- All the CBCNews.ca stories on the summits
On the ground in Toronto
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G20: Street Level
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Recent Entries
- G20 Street Level: A look back
- Police encircle and detain a crowd of protesters during the G20 summit in Toronto, on Sunday June 27, 2010. (Chris Young/Canadian Press) By Kim Fox, CBC NewsAs police erected barriers, world leaders descended on Toronto, and protesters prepared to capture... Continue reading this post
- G20: Highlights from our reporters
- Reporters sit next to the fake lake at the G20 media centre in Toronto. (Paul Chiasson/Canadian Press)Leading up to and during the G20 summit in Toronto, CBC News' Street Level blog brought readers extensive reports from around the city. Our... Continue reading this post
- G20: Highlights from our citizen bloggers
- A man stands in front of the security fence outside Union Station in Toronto on Monday, June 28 as city life returns to normal following the weekend's G20 demonstrations. (Chris Young/Canadian Press) Leading up to and during the G20 summit... Continue reading this post


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Western dating
That's why family members, such as grandparents, will do their best to pressure and persuade their grandkids to marry when they're in their twenties.On the other hand, American families are much less pushy on this subject.In a recent study of dating and marital preferences among young adults in China, only 38 percent of the female respondents disagreed with the statement that it is best to date and later marry only one man during their lifetimes (Mavrides, 2009).Most Westerners and Chinese people do want to settle, with marriage as the end goal, but Westerner are usually more open to that option later down their life.Related: How To Flirt in Chinese Since open dating is not common before college, Chinese people are generally less comfortable with dating casually, and are more serious when going into relationships.
However, for Chinese women, there is a societal ticking clock.
With the unsteady market growth and rising real estate prices, Xinhua News estimated that 50% of young people over age 30 cannot afford both a car and house (Xinhua 2010.) It is likely that the younger Chinese generation is also rebelling against "traditional marriage culture" and instead pursuing pure love, where economic stability of a spouse isn't as vital as it was.
Research also shows that gender norms are gradually shifting, and women are more eager to be independent, thus rejecting the notion that a man must provide a house and a car.
Of course flirting is still present in both cultures.
But, if there is dating before college then it is usually kept as a secret from parents.


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Evoking a feeling of home sweet home, the 50C3 features 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, 3-car split garage, covered porch, exquisite kitchen with breakfast/dining nook, private study, second floor laundry room, and owner's suite with large walk-in closet.View Community Details
Open Sunday 11:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.
Monday 12:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m.
Tuesday - Saturday 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.
From E-470 & I-25 head north on I-25 to exit 232 for Erie Parkway. Head West on Erie Parkway for 7 miles to Flatiron Meadows Blvd. Go South on Flatiron Meadows Blvd to Front Range Road. You'll see our model complex on the corner.


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Ithaca College is focused on supporting the wellbeing and welfare of its understudies, personnel, staff, and guests. The school keeps up a crisis reaction arrange for that was created as per proper laws, controls and strategies that oversee emergency/crisis readiness.
The Emergency Response Plan is referenced at whatever point a characteristic or initiated circumstance happens that undermines the security or notoriety of the school, its understudies, workforce, or staff. The Plan is intended to augment human survival and protection of property, limit peril, reestablish typical tasks of the College, and guarantee responsive correspondences with the network.
The Core Emergency Response Team routinely refreshes the Emergency Response Plan, executes emergency reenactments to enhance reaction times and procedures, and assesses best practices in the field.
The arrangement takes after the National Incident Management System rules made by the Federal Emergency Management Agency and is adaptable to suit circumstances of various kinds, extents, and span including yet not constrained to:
- Dynamic shooter circumstances
- Prisoner circumstances
- Bomb dangers
- Serious climate conditions
- Fire or risky materials
- Suspicious letters and bundles
It is unequivocally suggested that all Ithaca College understudies, personnel, and staff agree to accept the school's Emergency Notification System to get time-touchy data and headings amid crises.
Guests to grounds might be cautioned to grounds occurrences or crises by the Outdoor Warning System. Furthermore, the school's landing page at www.ithaca.edu will dependably be refreshed with any related data.


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SEYMOUR, Tenn. – A Tennessee woman is making headlines around the country after she claims she was asked to leave a pool because of her swimsuit.
Tori Jenkins says she was at her apartment complex's pool with her fiance when she was told that her swimsuit was inappropriate.
"She basically told me that if I didn't have kids, I wouldn't understand. If her kids were at the pool, she wouldn't want me in that swimsuit, how inappropriate I looked, and then she told me that there were a lot of teenage boys at the complex that I don't need to be exciting," Jenkins told WATE.
She says she was given the option of either changing her swimsuit, putting on shorts or leaving the pool.
The couple went to the apartment complex's office to talk about the situation in private.
Tyler Newman, Jenkins' fiance, says an employee suggested taking photos in order to help her understand why some people were offended by her outfit.
The apartment complex denies asking her to leave the pool, but says there were multiple complaints about her swimsuit.
"Smoky Crossing is a welcoming family community. Multiple residents within our community complained and expressed concerns regarding Ms. Jenks' swimwear. In accordance with our pool policies, which are posted near the swimming area, one of our leasing consultants requested Ms. Jenks wrap a towel around herself when she was walking around the pool.
Ms. Jenkins was never asked to leave the pool. In addition, our leasing agent did not state that Ms. Jenkins swimwear would 'excite teenage boys.'
Ms. Jenkins and Mr. Newman are valued members of our community. However, we feel it is inappropriate to equate requesting Ms. Jenkins to cover up with sexual harassment or 'rape culture.' Smoky Crossing denounces harassment in all forms," a statement from Smoky Crossing read.


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is the KCC Warden for Ash, Eastry and Sandwich and started in June 2018.
His mobile number is 07811 271 299
His e-mail address is: email@example.com
KCC Wardens are the link between our community and Kent County Council, Dover District Council and the Police. They work Monday to Friday and they:
- can tackle low-level crime and antisocial behaviour (such as graffiti, littering, fly tipping and vandalism)
- can take names and addresses and control traffic
- are a reassuring uniformed presence
- are fully trained to the Community Safety Accreditation Scheme before starting their work
- encourage communities to work together and make things better for everyone
- work closely with Kent Police and other professional authorities
- talk with local people, offering information and advice
- take part in local community activities.
They don't make arrests.
28 April 2015
On 27th April 2015, KCC Warden Bob Priestley told the Annual Parish Meeting he is taking voluntary redundancy offered by KCC. His last day as the local Warden for Ash is Friday 1st May. The Chairman thanked Bob for his many years of support to the Ash community and Bob left the meeting to a round of applause.


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rocket raccoon
Rocket Raccoon: 15 Weird AF Things You NEVER Knew
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Doctor Strange Director Wants This Surprising Marvel Team-Up to Happen
Doctor Strange helmer Scott Derrickson wants to see the Sorcerer Supreme team-up with an unlikely hero from Guardians of the Galaxy.
Rocket Raccoon #2
Rocket may hate Earth, but he can't ignore something preying on defenseless creatures! Marvel's Rocket Raccoon #2 by Matthew Rosenberg & Jorge Coehlo.
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It doesn't matter who or what gets in Rocket's way...he's gotta get off this mudball! Marvel's Rocket Raccoon #1 by Matthew Rosenberg & Jorge Coelho.
Guardians Of The Galaxy: Top 20 Members Of All Time
Sit down, buckle up and hang tight as we head to outer space and rank the 20 most memorable members of the Guardians of the Galaxy.
Rocket Raccoon #1 (PREVIEW)
Rocket's stuck on Earth, and he's going to do just about anything to get off of it. Preview the first issue of the new Rocket Raccoon ongoing series from Matthew Rosenberg & Jorge Coelho!
These Rocket Raccoon & Groot Statues Will Make You Say I Am... Broke
They ain't cheap, but who can put a price on true friendship - even if it's between a talking raccoon and a walking tree?
Rosenberg's Rocket Raccoon Stalks the Mean Streets of New York
Matthew Rosenberg tells CBR about his ongoing series in which Rocket's mission to escape Earth embroils him in a tale of crime and vengeance.
Tippy Toe & Rocket Raccoon Preview Teams Marvel's Mouthy Animal Heroes
Marvel has exclusively provided CBR News with a preview of Tippy Toe & Rocket Raccoon, a digital-only comic from Dwayne McDuffie Award-winner Nilah Magruder and artist Siya Oum.
Guardians of the Galaxy Concept Art Depicts Classic Rocket & Groot Scene
An early piece of concept art for Guardians of the Galaxy reveals that an iconic Rocket and Groot moment was always planned for the film.
SDCC: Marvel Animation Promises New Team-Ups, "Secret Wars," Rocket and Groot Shorts & More
Ms. Marvel joins the ranks of the animated Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy's bromantic couple lands their own 'toons, and much more.


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Pathetically Apathetic
by Coach on Nov.06, 2018, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, Bullying, STOPPING ABUSE
" Science may have found a cure for many evils; but it has not found the remedy for the worst of them all, the apathy of human beings. "
Helen Keller
It saddens me to see how apathetic we have become as a nation. In many cases we have lost our will to speak our minds, let alone think for ourselves.
We avoid dealing with issues or intervening when our consciences tell us something is wrong. We are increasingly afraid to express opinions that might be divergent from what is "politically correct", and we fear rejection, embarrassment, possible ridicule. What has happened to us ?
apathy – definition of apathy by the Free Online Dictionary …
Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference. 2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.
Crises, like wars or natural disasters tend to galvanize a people as a common threat is felt and we experience a need to join forces. Look at the recent tornados in Oklahoma and how quickly many from neighboring states came to help their fellow citizens in need.
However, when the crisis is more subtle, not in your face, we have the ability to rationalize and justify it away, to procrastinate and ignore until it is too late.
A person might not want to see an evolving crisis in a marriage, avoiding talking about problems that he or she knows exists, allowing the relationship to wither and die.
An individual may feel trapped in a job that is unfullfilling, even though there are options to make changes, retrain or retool, because he lacks faith and trust in himself to do any better. Apathy takes hold as the person allows his or her fears to rule their life.
And now as we enter an era of big government, dependency is being rewarded, replacing the want to challenge ourselves to greater levels of achievement. The people being sucked into this mental abyss will one day realize that they have given up their freedom and motivation to excel , their desire to see and be all they can be.
Instead, they will be dependent, becoming weaker, with minimal self-pride for being on the dole. Oh, they will eventually see the light, but only when they realize that the Great Ones who promised them whatever they wanted did so only to gain more power and control for themselves. That awareness will be certainly painful, and they will be angry for being duped, but angrier with themselves for allowing it to happen. Power does corrupt, it is just a matter of time.
Such is the cycle of civilizations.
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist/ Retired
Blog : www.RuledByFear.com
They walk among us, the Sociopaths.
by Coach on Dec.29, 2017, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, Bullying, STOPPING ABUSE
It was said by Mark Twain that " Truth is stranger than fiction !" In my line of work as a therapist, I have never been able to desensitize to the fact that when you are dealing with human beings, the truth is often more painful, destructive and bone chilling than fiction, yet at the same time ignored, denied to oneself and rationalized as, " No, that could not happen !
Truth is real, and although often ignored at our own peril, there are consequences for when it is not dealt with openly and upfront.
Now, as a Psychologist for some forty-two years, I have specialized in dealing with severe anxiety, panic attacks, phobias and agoraphobia with some real success. But, the use of medications to extinguish the anxiety, in most cases, was only putting salve on the wounds, not fixing the causes or source for the anxiety. I was never satisfied with this, so for those not wanting a temporary fix, but a successful treatment to find and eliminate the source, I had much success. I will stress that at least fifty percent only wanted the medications, and would find themselves getting worse over the years.
Having had panic attacks when I was younger, and working through the causal factors, gave me a heads up to help others, but it was still a challenge.
One thing I learned, and this is an over-simpllification, is that most of the anxiety that was experienced by my clients was due to conflicts or issues in their life that they were avoiding, for fear of failure, rejection, ridicule for shame. They had learned, mostly since childhood, to avoid conflict. Most of them had at least one person in their life that they just could not please, and that list of persons grew as they went through life. They were addicted to pleasing, adapting to fit in, and conforming to seek approval. They were already setting themselves up for conflict.
It is my impression that at least a third of the population are caregivers, conformers or a subtype of perfectionists who fit into this group of adapting personalities. The rest are either so focused on success and are less emotional so they do not need approval, get their dose of approval from what they do, or have less empathy and less a realization as to how things they say or do effect others so that they experience less anxiety and conflict.
Then there are the Sociopaths who take this lack of emotional need for approval, to another extreme. These manipulative, often very successful, charming personalities have the natural characteristic to look for other's weaknesses and use them for their own advanatage…..
This is a true story, of Maggie, a wonderful, bright but adapting and caring personality and her battle to deal with manipulative people, one being a sociopath, and her struggles to find her way. It is a sad story, but a true story. It was the most challenging and tragic story, with only saving grace being that she wanted it to be THE story that would save others.
I was not her therapist, but took on the role of a Coach, because she came to me through a website and chat room I offered every Sunday evening. The goal of this service was to reinforce skills that I taught to my clients, but also to find a source of therapy for each person that was not able to be seen personally by me for face to face therapy. I never met Maggie, but talked with her on the phone and we communicated by writing. I came to know her very well.
It has taken me six years to be able to write this book, but I promised her I would do so in her name and to hopefully prevent at least one other person from falling deeper into the grips of a sociopath.
Now, you might be saying to yourself, " I do not know any sociopaths !" My response is that you most likely have such a personality within your extended family, friends, colleagues and do not realize it. Charming for sure, but if you dare explore most closely, they are selfish, say what you want to hear, but do what they want without a hint of care for how it effects you. They are specialists at manipulation. They use awareness of what you might be sensitive about, mistakes you have made, to have leverage and use the tools of blame, shame or guilt to have control over others.
I can say that at this moment, I know of mothers and fathers who are sociopaths, High School Principals who are sociopaths, parish priests who are sociopaths and therapists who are sociopaths. These are real people, who can entrench themselves into your life as they have my clients. To be armed to protect yourself from their manipulative ways, you need to know they exist and set strong boundaries while at the same time finding healthy ways to meet your emotional needs.
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist
The Benhaven Group
Out of the Ashes !
by Coach on Oct.21, 2016, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE
This is not about politics as much as it is about human nature, and the psychological forces at play in the development, or unravelling of a society.
It appears that many of us have become apathetic, lazy minded and avoidant, forgetting what it takes to be truly self-sufficient, independent, proud of our achievements and successful as an individual… and as a society.
Oh, there are still some who have the old work ethic, and realize you do not get anything for nothing, that believe the old adage "nothing ventured, nothing gained". But there is an ever-growing wave of people becoming willingly or unknowingly dependent on others, especially on our government to think and do for them. That wave will grow to a tsunami, as that government, past and present, left or right, seems to be no longer there to serve the people, but instead to control the people so that government becomes bigger and stronger and ultimately too powerful to challenge. Fear takes over and so the citizens deny what is obvious, so as not to have to deal with the inevitable….they AVOID !
Power corrupts, it is only a matter of time. So, many in government see the opportunity to not only preserve their positions, but to grow in personal and accumulated power. Again, this is a part of human nature for some with less conscience and moral fiber to delude themselves, or justify that they are doing the right thing. They know better than we do as to what is good for us.
We are on that path, and it may be irreversible because too many do not see it, or don't want to see it. Odds are, It is just a matter of time now. Civilizations go through these cycles, and it appears as though we are presently descending into that abyss. However, there is the possibility, if we look at our world's history, that out of the ashes we will again see a more rational people emerge, realizing that the principles this country was created upon are necessary as part of a moral and ethical compass…and a reality that there is no perfect world or society. There will always be the WORKER BEES, DESERVERS, WOULD-BE WORKERS with SPECIAL NEEDS,the GREEDY ONES and the USERS.
The WORKER BEES are those who adhere to the ethical and moral view that you do not get anything for nothing, that each must do his or her share, must through sweat and tears make a living, provide for their families and prepare to eventually be DESERVERS. We might refer to the WORKERS as those with conscience or a moral compass.
The DESERVERS who have put in their time and sweat as Workers, have made a living for themselves and their families and now wish to retire in some form of peace and tranquility while still being fruitful by sharing their knowledge and wisdom with the next generation of WORKERS.
The WOULD-BE WORKERS who are seeking to be full-fledged WORKERS, but need direction, internships, emotional support and opportunity, and are not looking for hand-outs or a free ride.
The WORKERS with SPECIAL NEEDS who have become DESERVERS, who have the ethical and moral fiber to be WORKER BEES, but through no fault of their own, have suffered " legitimate" physical or mental ailments that limit their ability to perform as WORKERS, thus needing special assistance.
The GREEDY ONES, who manipulate and control others for their own gain, rationalizing that all is fair in love, war and politics. Many a Sociopath and Politician may come to mind. A lack of true moral compass is a common characteristic. They can lie with a straight face, or even a smile as they deceive, all for their own agendas. The WORKERS don't see what is happening at first, because they do not want to see the DARK SIDE of mankind.
The USERS, are those who can justify living off the WORKERS, capable but lacking confidence or the drive to become all they can be. They rely on scamming the system, and playing the game to reap rewards without putting out true effort. They are the one's who feel ENTITLED. The USERS may willingly or unwittingly give up their option to be WORKERS, aquiescing to the short-lived promises made by the GREEDY ONES. Once the GREEDY ONES see the benefit of manipulating the USERS, an inevitable and a very unholy alliance is formed where USERS knowingly or unknowingly, become puppets or pawns.
The GREEDY ONES can amass great power, and can use that power, plus the tactics of SHAME, BLAME and GUILT to cause the WORKERS to acquiesce and surrender more of what they earn to provide support for the USERS. The end game is unlimited control for the GREEDY ONES, until the inevitable occurs. The WORKERS rebel, and the GREEDY ONES begin to self-destruct as 1] they can no longer provide for the ever-growing needs of the USERS who have become totally DEPENDENT and 2] they destroy one another as they compete with other GREEDY ONES for more power and control. The USERS then rebel, and class warfare ensues. Remember the GREAT SOCIETIES such as Rome. The society implodes !
In either case, as part of the instinct for survival, the WORKERS will eventually be reborn from the ashes, and with less tolerance, if any, for the USERS and the GREEDY ONES.
And the cycle begins anew ! Why ? Because on the road to becoming a more evolved and conscientious society, we slowly forget the nature of mankind. In time, there will again be WORKERS who are willing to give, USERS who are more than willing to take, and GREEDY ONES who cannot help but fall into the trap, the cycle of power and control and of feeling they are special and above and beyond all others. Human nature is predictable ! We can pray for enlightenment ! We might even learn from the past and recognize what is happening, but the window of opportunity is short-lived and the tendency to avoid thinking, feeling and dealing with the dark side of mankind is so strong. What do you think ?
Just my opinion, but if we as a society provided job opportunities and training, as well as took major steps to prevent fraud in our programs meant to assist people, we would not be promoting dependence, but instead, pride in one's achievements.
Is it just me, or does it seem like if the money our goverments wasted would be put into infrastructure jobs and manufacturing, the materials needed to re-build America's roads, sewers , water and electricity grids, we would have a lot more people feeling that pride, worth and value in themselves and our Country.
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist
CEO, The Benhaven Group
Why Not Say Merry Christmas ???
by Coach on Dec.25, 2015, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE
I just stepped off the elevator at a very beautiful, palm-treed and lush resort where my wife and I chose to spend Christmas. It was an awkward moment as this resort is a very popular destination for families of all nationalities, faiths and backgrounds. When a middle aged gentleman hopped on the elevator, we wished him a Merry Christmas. The look on his face was one of being startled. He responded with a " Merry Christmas " , but then added, "I do not know what to say when I meet someone or pass them by them. Is it alright to wish them a Merry Christmas or will they be offended ? So I just don't say anything ! " Now, turns out that this man was happy to respond in kind after his initial hesitation, but how seriously pathetic is it that we feel the urge to avoid, to hold back offering an expression of greeting during the Holidays that has been so traditional throughout our lives. We have every right to CELEBRATE our faith and beliefs, as long as we are respectful of the faith and believes of others who are like-wise respectful.
So, in fact, it seems as if seventy-five percent of those we greet have no problem responding, but at least half of those have that expression on their faces as if to say, " Is it alright ! " If they don't respond, we just smiled and walked on. If they returned a "Happy Holidays", we accepted and respected that response and again smiled, and moved on. But when they bid us a Merry Christmas in return, it frequently led to some extended friendly words about how they were enjoying their Christmas vacation. That is how friendships are born.
Our Government has not yet banned the expression, Merry Christmas, but I know there are some who would want to do just that from my discussions with them. We must stop LIVING IN FEAR of people's reactions to our freedom of expression, not just about Christmas, but to our entire belief system as Christians. I know my share of people who are of the Moslem or other faiths. I respect their beliefs as long as they do not infringe on mine. But this effort by some to be " politically correct " is damaging to the very fabric of America, and is truly a destructive force. Our silence to these issues energizes those who would take control. Now, don't be naive. There are forces out their whose main goal is that of control. Control is power, and power leads to destructive forces and changes that shatter the very moral fiber of this Great Society. Now, there is no doubt we have made mistakes as a country, but we have learned some painful lessons from those errors in judgement. We are better for that ! It is natural for any government to become bloated with power and lose sight of what is good for the people it was intended to protect. I am not Republican or Democrat [ they are all the same anyway ]. I am an American and a Christian, and I respect the beliefs and rights of others who do not infringe on my rights and beliefs, plain and simple.
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist
President, CEO, Benhaven Counseling
The Benhaven Group, LLC
Blog : www.RuledByFear.com
Destroyed by His Words !
by Coach on Aug.07, 2015, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE
Destroyed by His Words !
He is a Narcissistic Sociopath, and although he is very real, I will give him a fictitious name, Lucius. Upon my exposing him for what he was, he actually bragged and boasted about the "tools" he possessed that allowed him to control and manipulate people, both in business and in his personal life.
Lucius recognized as a teenager, that the things he said and the way he treated people caused them to be "like putty in my hands, allowing me to mold them into thinking and doing what I wanted". As he became an adult, his awareness of his power over people grew by leaps and bounds. No one was safe from his manipulation, even his own daughter.
Being an attorney who specialized in medical malpractice suites in which he was ruthless and gained a mind-numbing reputation, Lucius would explain how he got a dopamine rush, a surge of adrenaline, realizing the power he had over people. He used that power not just in building a rather successful practice, but systematically taking control of his wife, their sexual interactions and her life by making her a victim of abuse that weakened a once strong woman with a career of her own, turning her into an emotionally weak, dependent blob.
My stomach turned and I felt nauseated as I knew that there had been many a victim who fell prey to this man's initial charm and gradual degrading of their self-esteem as he manipulated his potential victim's thoughts and behaviors by using tools such as blame, shame and guilt. Oh he was good at it, and he knew it. The smirk on his face said it all.
Lucius knew that I was aware of what he had done to destroy his own daughter's will to live, and what he was now attempting to do was use his skills of manipulation and control to shut me down. He calmly said,
" You do not know who you are dealing with ! I can and will destroy you ! No one will believe anything you say anyway ! " He was using fear tactics, which he was quite accomplished at due to his lack of conscience.
Then he said something I will never forget. "Everyone has made mistakes. Every man and woman on the face the earth who has a conscience has something they regret, or have done or avoided something for which feel shame or guilt. I know how to find out about a person's past, and I will find a way to take advantage of whatever weakness or fear that a person has and I will use that knowledge to take control ! "
Yes, he was a narcissistic sociopath, but what is critical to understand is that the only real control he would have over his victim would be if he or she gave into their fear.
Someday soon I will share the rest of this true story.
Something I learned from all of this over time, and now forty years of practice, is that there are far many more borderline or full-blown sociopathic personalities among us breathing the same air we do, every day of our lives. Their narcissistic and self-absorbing care for themselves and superficial show of care and concern for others is of course a tell-tale sign. But their ability to lie to our faces, and effectively try to find and take full advantage of the weakness in anyone who would challenge them, has at times made them all powerful. One of the primary strengths, and at the same time weaknesses in some of us that make us potential victims to manipulation is that some we have a conscience, are capable of feeling guilt, and have less of an ability to recognize evil in other people.
When many of us come up against people like Lucius, we just want to walk away , avoid them.
What can you do to defend yourself from such people ?
First, be aware that many such people exist. Watch for the signs, as they can lie to your face without flinching. If you can feel something uncomfortable, don't ignore what you feel.
Don't be mesmerized by what other people say about this person, think for yourself ! There have been many times in history where the minds of intelligent people have been paralyzed by the charisma of a charming, well-spoken person. All the while, below the surface may smolder the agenda of a selfish, control-seeking personality. There are many instances in history, where a person with a charismatic nature, who speaks well and seems to have their act together, takes over the minds of others who may know better but avoid being the one to speak up. Although I admired much about John F. Kennedy, the "Bay of Pigs" issue comes to mind where it is reported that many in his Cabinet had serious issues and conflicts with his decisions, but never expressed their warnings.
Realize that many controlling and manipulative people will say what you want to hear, but do what they want to do. So listen to their language. Do they follow the rules of respectfully dealing with others, or do they have some uncanny way of creating diversions and chaos, and then do their deeds amongst all the chaos and before the smoke clears ? When questioned, do they really answer the concerns others express or turn to comments that are an attempt to make you feel that if you do not agree with them, you are somehow a racist, a bigot, or an uncaring person ?
Life can be hard at times, but good hard work and effort to better yourself builds pride and character. If someone offers you something for nothing, it is a pretty good sign you will end up with nothing,
If you are an adapting or approval seeking personality, you are easy prey for the narcissistic, manipulative personality types. They can smell the want for approval and acceptance in other people.
Once a person gets sucked into the space of the narcissistic sociopath, a dependency is formed on that person's approval. Then, after becoming a victim, you may not be willing to admit to yourself that you were suckered, so you say nothing, and that avoidance causes you to feel even less in control of your life, which makes you even more vulnerable.
This phenomenon occurs in business as well as personal relationships. How many people do you know that are stuck in unhealthy marriages, where one of the partners shames. blames and guilts the other to silence their legitimate complaints ? Why do so many remain in those unhealthy, esteem destroying relationships for so long ?
Express yourself and your feelings about persons that your gut tells you are manipulative, controlling and lying, but don't spew hatred. Speak respectfully and repeatedly, saying as an example " I appreciate your thoughts and opinions, but I do not agree with you !" Then don't get dragged into defending yourself as the other narcissistic or sociopathic personality type will surely try to convince you that you are wrong. Just repeat yourself !!! In this way you are respectfully expressing an opinion without feeling the guilt of being hateful or mean, thereby not triggering so much shame within yourself. I have had many a client who was a victim of emotional or sexual abuse, whose abuser would try to turn the shame and guilt machine on them big time by saying, " See, you are feeling so much anger towards me right know, which makes you feel dark and ugly inside, so you are no better than me !"
So, think hard about this as the abuse may be more subtle, but it is still abuse when a person uses words to manipulate you. Don't allow fear to rule your life, you deserve better than that.
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist
The Benhaven Group, LLC
Self Destruction, And We Allow It !
by Coach on Dec.11, 2014, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE
As a therapist concerned as to what I see as a deterioration in self-esteem, moral strength and determination of many people I strive to help, I see a pattern that is so destructive in the fraying of the fabric in what once made America great.
It appears as if the Republicans are rolling over to the Democrats, which implies that they really are not seriously different in their agenda. These career politicians are playing games with our futures and that of our children. Politicians, and certainly our President, have learned to lie to our faces repeatedly, using blame, shame and guilt to silence any detractors. AND WE ALLOW IT !!!
Our Government has deteriorated to become like two divorced parents, in competition with each other, stumbling over their own feet trying to pleasure their already spoiled children. The children are the real victims, as more and more of them develop a sense of entitlement, sorely lacking a sense of personal worth and value or any moral compass, causing them to be even more needy and vulnerable to those who would control and manipulate them for their own selfish reasons. Without rules and consequences, a society will crumble under the weight of the dependency it creates.
This is the dawn of a serious and sad chapter in America. We as a country have lost our way because our leaders could not lead, at least not with the true health and well-being of our society in mind. It is a time when selfishness rules and even our leaders choose to incite conflict within its people in order to gain more power and control for themselves.
Our goal should be to help people help themselves, not create dependency !
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist
Can You Teach Me to Become Fearless Again ?
by Coach on Sep.22, 2014, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE
I had not talked to her in at least two months. I had wanted to gradually break any dependency she had on me, because she finally had a family that loved her. Besides, I loathe dependency as it weakens the spirit, and causes a spiraling down-turn in one's motivation, creativity and momentum to find one's purpose in life, to be special.
Make no mistake, I am all for support and reliance on others as long as it is part of a plan to teach an individual how to help herself or himself. However, I see an ever-increasing desire on the part of some to create a dependency of others on them, all for the purpose of having control and power.
This is not a conspiracy theory, just one of those cycles in the history of mankind. Keep your eyes closed to this and you will find out the hard way.
If you are someone who has followed my blog over the years, then you might remember previous articles about this child who came to me for help when she was just ten years old. She was a homeless child, living in a cardboard refrigerator box, on the streets of "Gotham City", having escaped the grasp of her prostitute mother and the certainty that she would be forced to settle for her mother's life-style if she did not take her life into her own hands.
However, this was the real world, so although Joy [ her name of choice ] , had successfully separated from her mother , the following four years found her vulnerable to people of lesser conscience, who would emotionally, physically and sexually abuse her, because they could.
Working with her was so very rewarding for me, and yet very painful as I saw her relentless efforts to escape the almost daily reality of abuse that she had to endure. She seemed fearless and undaunted, maybe because in her eyes, she had no choice. This was survival. So if some guy at the bar offered her a meal for a feel, it was not who she was, but just what she had to go through. Through her eyes, miraculously, she saw every abuse as a motivator, as a stepping stone to finding a path off the streets and into the arms of a loving family. Many times I felt helpless as she
endured what I could not imagine at the hands of those whose selfishness and neediness would have destroyed the average child, or adult for that matter.
Once she was in a family, although not without complications, I found myself relieved but somewhat depleted, thus some time has passed since my last article. Then, last evening, she contacted me. After the usual chatting to catch up, this now fifteen year old said something that I found invigorating. " Can you teach me become FEARLESS again ? " Oh, she loved her new family for sure, but at the same time, she felt somewhat lazy and, listen carefully, DEPENDENT ! It was wonderful to have people looking out for you. It somehow felt good to have rules to follow and rewards for good behavior. It felt safe, and yet it didn't, as she had become less reliant on her own skills to survive. Dependency can do that to the best of us.
We talked about her wanting to become a child advocate, a person who could teach others how to recognize and be less vulnerable to the manipulators, controllers, and in some cases, sociopathic types among us who prey on the perceived weakness of others. Now that was a discussion that I found motivating.
Do you long to be FEARLESS ?
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist
The Benhaven Group, LLC
Blog: www.RuledByFear.com
Intrusive Mothers ?
by Coach on Feb.10, 2014, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE
Intrusive people are always the most difficult to deal with in our lives, but when it is a mother, it is especially anxiety producing.
By intrusive, I mean a person that does not have boundaries or respect those of others, and that certainly can apply to a mother or mother-in-law in their behavior towards their own adult children. Let's say, a daughter and her husband return from a well-deserved night away from the kids only to find that her mother
re-arranged the living room furniture while she was babysitting, or decided the that she knew better how their pantry should be set-up. " Surprise, I took the time to set up your kitchen the way it should to be done, I know you will love it ! " Or the mother comes over bearing a gift of a flower arrangement in colors that she likes and then proceeds to tell her daughter what throw pillows she needs to buy to go along with the new color scheme. Get the picture ?
It gets much worse ! I have seen situations where mothers will openly criticize the relationship that their son or daughter has chosen or how the grandkids are being raised.
What makes is so very conflicting and bordering on abusive is when the mother tries to guilt, shame or blame the daughter every time she does not approve of what she has done.
This is not about giving loving suggestions, but more so controlling and manipulating
So while the daughter and her husband now have children of their own and want to establish a new Christmas morning tradition of opening the gifts as soon as the kids awake with all their enthusiasm at its peak, the mother expects the daughter and family to pack up everything, bundle up the kids and trek over to mom's with gifts and diapers because that was the tradition. When the daughter tries to nicely say that they will come later but they want to establish their own traditions, or even suggests that the mother come early to see the kids come down the steps wide-eyed and filled excitement, the mother says, " You can do that after I am gone. Do you want to break your mother's heart. I won't be around that much longer ! "
Intrusive people are most often very insecure below the surface, very needy of attention and yes, selfish and feeling entitled. Instead of celebrating someone else's happiness or personal growth, they want to re-establish their importance, secure their position of being special.
Lacking somewhat in empathy, but suggesting they are the picture of that quality, the intrusive mother has a warped awareness of the needs of others, and does not often recognize boundaries as her needs dominate.
I have watched many a young married adult go through much conflict, bouncing between guilt and anger in their attempts to set limits and boundaries with an intrusive parent. Not surpisingly, such conflict can bring on anxiety symptoms, including full-blown panic attacks.
What the adult child of an intrusive parent should do, no, what they must do , is set those boundaries firmly and lovingly…and be prepared to be persistent and consistent.
" I love you mom and I know you mean well, but that is not how my husband and I want to do things with our children. Please respect my boundaries. " Then repeat this without trying to defend your position, as the more you say, the more the intrusive person will try to manipulate and control.
I tell my clients dealing with intrusive mothers not to expect this lesson to be learned long-term. Most often, one has to be prepared to express this mantra each time the intrusive mother even shows the slightest move to cross a boundary. Intrusive people tend to not understand or have much insight into the sabotaging behavior, so it is the consequences that they learn. So when the adult child of an intrusive parent speaks in respectful and consistent terms and follows-through, the intrusive person will more than likely come to change their behavior, not because she truly gets it, but because she cannot over-rule the daughter with blame, shame and guilt tactics. Now, if instead, the daughter becomes angry and shows that anger, she plays into the intrusive mother's hands. The mother will surely blame, shame and guilt the the daughter for any outbursts and then take control, unless the daughter is also a similarly intrusive person. Then all bets are off and I am out of there !
You can, of course, apply this approach to dealing with any instrusive person, be it a co-worker, a friend, sibling or stranger. This is not easy, but the effects that an instrusive person can have on your life, marriage, children and self-esteem is real, and it is one of the most important lessons to learn about dealing with difficult people.
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist
Benhaven Counseling, LLC
The Benhaven Group, LLC
Blog: www.RuledByFear.com
On-Line Suppoort Group and Newsletter: www.OneStepataTime.com
At Risk…Your Self-Worth !
by Coach on Nov.25, 2013, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE
So I was talking to a very dear but struggling young lady who was sharing with me her excruciating pain and overwhelming confusion after being molested by a "man of the cloth". I never get use to hearing such gut-wrenching stories of the dark side of mankind. This " not so holy " man manipulated this child of thirteen with kind words, then after molesting her, used the abuser's most common tools to silence his victim, blame, shame a guilt ! Once she realized what his true agenda was, she was overwhelmed with fear as she felt trapped and paralyzed by his words :
" No one will believe you, so save your breath."
" I am a messenger of God, so if you say anything, I will pray so that your little brothers and sisters will all burn in hell ! Do you want to be responsible for that happening ? "
" I can tell that you liked some of what I did to you, it felt good didn't it ? See, you wanted it ! "
" Ah, you are angry with me, you feel hatred right now don't you ? Hatred is a sin. God is angry with you feeling hate. "
I have heard all this way too many times before as I have dealt with other victims of abuse. Yes, it makes me angry that some of those we share this planet with can justify and rationalize doing what they do to manipulate and control other innocent people for their personal needs and agendas.
Certainly one might say that this "unholy man " has some sexual addiction issues, but regardless of whether his addiction is related to the need for sex, alcohol, drugs…or power, his lack of conscience, utter void of empathy, allowed him to cross the lines of decency.
As if the above scenario is not troubling enough, an even more flagrant example of manipulation and control was when I dealt with a father who had repeatedly, "emotionaly" and sexually abused his daughter up to the day she ended her pain and suffering at her own hands. He too used the tools of blame, shame and guilt not only to permanently silence his daughter, but also to emotionally paralyzed her aunt and uncle who swore to protect her. In the end, not wanting to truly admit how evil he was, they too fell victim to shame and guilt. Effectively silencing and eliminating any witnesses to his crimes of passion and abuse [ a long and painful story }, he walks freely even today.
Certainly, the above two examples might be labeled the actions of sociopaths for the degree or heights to which they could lie and abuse, justify and rationalize, and in the end, escape punishment. Neither had a conscience and therefore each was able to deny any wrong doing with a smile on their face and not a bead of sweat on their brow. In reality, further exploration into each case yielded a history of previous deception, abuse and manipulation, but you guessed it, never a charge was brought against either man in the past. They lied so effectively ! They manipulated their victims with blame, shame and guilt so cunningly, that there was no one who would speak up.
Each victim or witness was silenced because of their fear. That is what happens when a victim goes up against a person without conscience all alone.
Yet I also am witnessing first-hand that we, yes you and I, enable, I dare say allow or give power to those who would abuse, to those who would use their power to control and manipulate, whatever their addiction. Put aside the sexual abuse of the previous examples for a moment. The REAL damage was done as a result of the emotional and psychogical abuse and control. There are those who thirst for power and control over others, professing to do so for your own good. We live in an age where lies roll off the tongues of those void of conscience, where we have become complacent to open examples of manipulation, where evil is just ignored, and therefore, in a word, encouraged. Certainly our fears play a part in this avoidance, as in fear of reprisal, ending up on someone's "hit" list, the fear of rejection or embarrassment. But make no mistake, don't try to " avoid " the reality that one reason these people get away with what they do is because we do not rise up individually and collectively and say NO more !
Have you been witness to any person in power lying to you, deceiving you, manipulating you ? Have you doubted that person meant to lie, or tried to rationalize to yourself the person did not mean to deceive, but maybe was simply deceived by others, just didn't know the truth ? Have you listened carefully to the words the potential deceiver uses to explain himself or herself ? Have you heard this individual use the tools of blaming others, shaming those who would question his or her past actions, comments or veracity or play the guilt card to distract you from the reality of whatever his or her agenda might be ? Do you think fear might at times blind you to the truth because it is too uncomfortable to see the dark side of mankind ? Do you feel how uncomfortable it is to face even the thought of dealing with someone who has little or no conscience, or even more painfully realize you have been duped by such a person you previously admired ?
Of course, you may not talk about it with anyone for fear they will find fault with your thoughts and feelings. By avoiding the issue, you are empowering people in your life who would emotionally and psychologically control or manipulate you and others just as the two persons I mentioned above. Oh certainly, the manipuation may not be a horrid as the examples I gave, nonetheless, the effect on your self-image is surely there. It is our self-esteem, self-respect and moral fiber that is at stake. When we do not take action against those who would lie to our faces, and manipulate without hesitation, it is worse than giving up an arm and a leg, as it is your personal sense of worth and value at risk.
Just a thought !
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist / Coach
dba, The Benhaven Group, LLC
Blog : RuledByFear.com
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist / Coach
dba, The Benhaven Group, LLC
Blog : RuledByFear.com
Fear Grows in an Atmosphere of Avoidance
by Coach on Aug.18, 2013, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE
Personal Growth comes only when we stretch, explore and challenge our own personal status quo. Many of us do not realize how much time we spend AVOIDING options or choices to grow, as avoidance can become a habit as it is often the result backing down from fear, which in turn leads to a feeling of weakness and self-doubt, leading to more avoidance.
Some may just be lucky that they are either "wired" for success or grew up in an atmosphere that nurtured the idea of taking risks to grow and not be as vulnerable to the fears of failure, rejection, ridicule or embarrassment. But then, there ate others whose early years were so fraught with challenges that they used all their mental energy to escape being ever again so vulnerable to fear. Don't we marvel at the person who, against all odds, comes through life so motivated to take on challenges and build empires ? In some ways, these individuals were forced by the dark side of life, and some of the darker people they came up against to see evidence that they could persevere, that they were witness to the fact that what they did to survive demonstrated an inner strength. That inner strength created a momentum that was hard to stop, as they were not ruled by fear.
Then there are the rest of us mere mortals, good people all in all, from loving families, maybe somewhat over-protected and under-challenged. We may not be Supermen or Wonder-Women but we CAN ACHIEVE GREAT THINGS if we can escape our fearful thoughts, which although often meant to protect, most frequently detour many of our efforts to grow outside what is comfortable, leaving us comfortably-uncomfortable.
So how do we achieve great things when up against our fearful thoughts, and the self-doubt ?
First, we might recognize that many of the anxiety symptoms, panic attacks, obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors we experience might just be a reaction to feeling trapped in our so-called comfortable lives. When we give into our fears and avoid, we feel a sense of inner weakness, a feeling of not quite being in control of our lives. Could that feeling possibly trigger an anxiety reaction, which then in itself creates more of a sense of being out of control, just maybe ? But once truly recognized and with a carefully laid out plan, we can step by step, with a support team around us, begin to challenge our fears.
The following are comments from a client who has experienced significant anxiety in the form of Obsessive- Compulsive symptoms but has begun to seriously explore why he was having these anxiety symptoms that all but paralyzed him in his life. He asked that I share what he has experienced as he talks himself through his fearful and sabotaging thoughts :
" I hate this job ! I think this is a euphemism for I hate myself for being in this job.
Whoa, let's look at reality ! I am disappointed that I am not doing more to change my situation, but that is no reason to hate myself. Besides, I am now taking steps. They might not seem like much, but they are steps. I am taking a class this Fall to give myself a bit of a challenge and get my feet wet. I am starting to read a Calculus textbook to refresh myself. I am making plans to contact a past college professor, to see if he has any suggestions on how I can achieve my new goal of teaching at the college level.
I am the one who is living my life. If I am not happy then I should do whatever I can to make myself happy. If others do not approve, are skeptical or negative about what I want to do to make myself happy, then I need to realize that while I am sorry they feel that way, it is my life, my happiness that I need to pursue, not theirs. So they can either help or get out of my way. If they cannot be supportive, I must go around them as they are symbols of the fears and negative thoughts that I have allowed to hold me back.
I am intelligent. I am capable. I care about people. I can do this !!! "
It is hard work, but aren't you worth the effort to do more of what you are capable of doing with your life ? The more you avoid, the more conflict you feel within yourself, the angrier or more frustrated you become. You need reasonable goals with reasonable steps, and then allow each step to motivate you to the next move.
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist
Benhaven Counseling, LLC
Blog: www.RuledByFear.com


text:
It's WIP (i.e., work in progress) Wednesday …
I thought I had my tagline for the book I'm publishing in the fall. It's called Midnight Magic, A Ghost and Abby Mystery and the tagline was:
Maybe having a Viking ghost for a boyfriend isn't such a good idea …
It worked fine until I decided that I might, just might, put this manuscript in Kindle Scout, the contest Amazon runs. Even though the chances of winning and getting a wonderful publishing contract with them is small, the exposure is great.
But the problem is the contest stipulates taglines must be no more than 45 characters. So now I'm stuck. Totally tongue tied.
I've come up with the following so far:
- At the stroke of twelve anything can happen..
- Beware the stroke of twelve …
But I'm not loving either. Any suggestions?
Photo credits: Shutterstock


text:
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text:
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Beginning with the 2015-2016 school year and beyond, the following lists information for the Meningococcal Conjugate Vaccine (MCV4) that is required of all incoming 12th graders.
The first dose received on or after the 11th birthday
Second dose on or after the 16th birthday
Only one dose is required if the first dose was received at 16 years of age or older.
No proof of immunity allowed
Reminder: Please only submit medical paperwork to a school nurse.
Nurse's Forms
Vaccination Information
Required health documents include a 9th grade physical must be completed within one year of enrollment on the State of Illinois Certificate of Health Examination Form and a complete immunization record including the following:
- Polio with last dose after age 4
- (3doses) DTP/DT/Tdap, with a Tdap given after age 10
- (3doses) Hepatitis B
- (2 doses) MMR (Measles, Mumps, Rubella) given on/after 1stbday
- (2 doses) Varicella (Chicken Pox) given on or after 1st birthday
- For incoming 12th graders, one dose of the Meningococcal Conjugate Vaccine (MCV4) given after the age of 16


text:
How To Draft The Perfect Expense Policy
A well-crafted expense policy can save both employers and employees valuable time. Are you looking for insights to create a comprehensive expense policy?
Then, look no further.
Companies formulate an employee expense policy with the idea of making employees aware of the rules and regulations concerning their expenditures. It contains detailed guidelines for claiming reimbursements and responsibilities of approvers and claimants along with a list of reimbursable expenses. However, this policy is a lot more than just pages containing a long list of dos and don'ts. It is the company's code against fraud, and the company expects every employee to abide by these policies strictly.
Benefits of having a well-crafted Expense Policy:
- Clarity: It is a fair and transparent way for the organization to tell its employees what they will and will not be reimbursed for. If employees consider the policy as being fundamentally fair, it prevents them from inclining towards fraudulent practices and turning expenses into a breeding ground for low morale, discontentment, and exaggerated claims.
- Regulations: The lack of an expense policy means the company has no control over what amount of money is being spent, for what purpose and by whom. Having an expense policy that spells out what can be claimed and having the employer police the spends allows the company's finance or revenue teams to view cost leakages and determine budget cuts.
- Efficiency: Having transparent and fair expense guidelines inculcates good practices among the employees and expense reports created tend to clear and error-free. Furthermore, new employees need not be trained or educated about the way reimbursements are handled in the company.
Surveys prove that implementing an expense policy reduces the travel and entertainment costs by upto 20%.
Clearly, companies do require an expense policy to ensure that they save as much money as possible. However, it needs to be an effective and efficient expense policy that thoroughly covers all your business and revenue goals while being comprehensible and clear to your employees and the teams that process expense reports.
What a well crafted expense policy should contain?
- Simplicity
The easier the guidelines are to read, the more your employees will understand and assimilate. Use simple and comprehensible language and avoid corporate lingo. Ensure you provide only the information that is relevant.
For example, predetermined mileage rates and project-specific criteria for reimbursements. Use a tone that promotes a user-friendly impression rather than a forceful one that might negatively impact your corporate culture.
- Fairness
Effective policies always aim to be fair. No employee should have to pay out of his/her pocket for costs that he/she can claim back. Create a policy that not only you but also your staff find fair. Ask for feedback from time and time and see if you can handle their concerns and queries promptly and generously. Make sure your policy is a collective contract and not something that is imposed on your employees.
- Flexibility
To be fair to your employees, try to be flexible with the cost limits you set forth. For example, hotel fares or taxi fares might not be the same in all cities, consider including a small region-specific chart with the acceptable rates. Ensure employees notify the required approvers before making any bookings. Keep in mind that the company holds the right to say no if in case the expenditure is too extravagant.
- Visibility
Your expense policy should be easy to find by your employees. Opt for smart methods to ensure your employees will look through and understand it. Put it on the intranet and send out emails urging your employees to give it a glance. Use text messages or push notifications to increase visibility. Consider printing out a copy for your employees as well.
Your managers can help you avoid fraud at the very ground level. List down their responsibilities and what is expected of them when approving an expense. Make sure they are familiar with the content, the significance of compliance, and the reasons for implementing the policy. This way they can enforce the rules and ensure fraud is in check to the best of their abilities.
- Periodic Updation
Lastly, no expense policy is good to go for the entire lifetime of a company. It needs to be revised and amended regularly. Take into account inflation, legal updates and the condition of the company while making any changes. See to it that these changes are publicized to the management.
Research proves one-third of the employees have submitted expense reports that contained at least 5 errors.
This does not mean expense policies are not perfect, or that employees just won't abide. Instead, it's indicative of the scope of improvements and optimization in your existing policy. The best solution for this is automating using expense report software and expense policy workflows.
Research shows that policies which are built into expense reporting software improve compliance by 44%.
Concurrent policy checks on automated expense management systems help employers ensure no expenses violate the policies. When an employee records a business spend, the software will check for policy violations in the real-time. If there is a breach, the expense will be flagged, and the individuals notified.
The employee will be alerted and asked to clarify or change the expense to match the guidelines. The manager will also ensure the necessary changes are made before approving the expense. Finance teams can also view the audit trail as and when required and gain insights accordingly. Ultimately, these systems not only reduce the amount of time spent on manual policy-violation checks but also curb costs and prevent fraud.
Now you're good to go!
Keep your staff happy and burden-free without compromising on your expense policy or the company bottom line.
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