text:
The Cleveland Browns return home this weekend to host the Chargers on the lakefront. As always, I have a few thoughts on what will transpire during the game. I also have thoughts on who will perspire during the game but that column will be published on another website that's probably blocked on your work computer....
Read the full article here:
Browns vs Chargers Predictions.
Stephen Thomas: Middle Aged Married Guy
Friday, October 26, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
The Cleveland Browns Like Pina Coladas
I was tired of the Brownies. We'd been together too long. Like a worn out recording, of a favorite song. So while they went 4-12 last year, I read the paper in bed. In the personal columns, there was this letter I read.
It seems to me that the relationship between the Cleveland Browns and their ultra-loyal fan base has turned very much into one like the couple from Rupert Holmes' classic hit "Escape." (You didn't know that's the real name of the Pina Colada Song, did you?) After fifty years together, most couples speak very little, as they know that nothing has changed. They act the same, they do the same things, they smell the same, so why bother? Look across the breakfast table; he has the same haircut he's had since 1974, and he's still clinking that spoon on the side of his coffee cup ... remember when you were dating and you found that little clinking habit cute? Now, after decades together, you spend most mornings trying to find the strength not to shove the spoon handle-first into his temple, don't you ladies? You're not alone. Rather than risk a life sentence in SingSing, most couples simply stop paying attention. Who could blame them?
With the Browns sitting at 1-5, too many Browns fans have followed the lead of the national media, who've stopped paying attention to the lakefront football franchise after over a decade of misery. Look at any of the major sports websites out there (I dare say, none more major than <Insert Name Of Website For This Column>) and you'll see they've all decided to take the easy way out and say "Same old Browns! Ha Ha!" They are then whisked away in the rich-national-media-hovercraft, to the caviar and lobster brunches with champagne cocktails in the dunes on the cape, or whatever it is that national media types do. (I suspect their lives are very pampered and similar to what I've described, and I convince myself of this as I continue to write, hoping that one of them will hire me and pay me in solid gold Pop Tarts or whatever they get.) The problem with the Pina Colada approach is this: these are not the same old Browns. GM Tom Heckert has had several consecutive strong drafts, and has assembled an impressive array of young talent. There are still holes and issues on this roster to be sure, but this team is not the same old wife, so you'd better look again. This wife isn't into Yoga, and has way more than half a brain. She's not there yet, but tomorrow at noon is rapidly approaching. So before you make a date with a stranger at a bar called O'Malleys (to plan your escape), you had best give her another look.
What's different about this 2012 version of the Cleveland Browns? Let's run it down.
Well, they are still losing. There's no way to disguise 1-5. However, if you're really paying attention you can see that they're losing this year because of mistakes, not a lack of talent. Years past, you knew it would take a minor miracle for the Browns to beat some teams, because they simply didn't have the talent at enough positions to compete on a level field. Take a look at their schedule this year, and tell me who you think completely outclasses them. Who? Is there one team left that you're thinking "There's just no way they can win that one." Is there? I don't see any. That's first and foremost, the attitude is shifting and they are in every game.
Second, let's look deeper at my claim that their talent level is rising. All twenty two positions are important, but while weakness at some spots on the field can be covered up, you repeatedly hear that all legitimate Super Bowl contenders must have top level players at the following: Quarterback, Running Back, Left Tackle, Wide Receiver, Rush Defensive End/Linebacker, Shutdown Cornerback.
Left Tackle: Check. Joe Thomas is the best in the game. I hear he also likes Pina Coladas.
Shutdown Cornerback: Check. Joe Haden? Top five. At least. Rumor has it he likes getting caught in the rain.
Wide Receiver. Um ... well ... OK, this one needs work. Josh Gordon is emerging, and is showing the skill set that the front office apparently saw when they used a second round supplemental pick on him, but he's still a raw project. He definitely has a chance to develop into a #1 Wide Receiver - and a legitimate #1 at that - but we won't know for sure about Gordon, one way or the other, until the end of NEXT season. In my mind, Wide Receiver has to be the #1 position of focus in the upcoming offseason. We'll be waiting with high hopes, for the #1 to walk in the place.
Rush DE/LB: Not quite. The front office made defensive line a priority this past offseason, and I think they did a credible job at filling the need. Parker and Rucker were two solid free agent signings, and John Hughes & Billy Winn were two excellent draft picks (Winn is the steal of the Browns 2012 draft). It will be interesting to see the domino effect once Phil Taylor returns; his presence will elevate the play of the rest of the defensive line in much the same way as Haden's return elevates the defensive backfield, but we can't say anything for sure until Taylor gets out there and performs. The Browns do go seven deep in their rotation now, and all of those players are solid, but there's a difference between solid and Top 5, and I just don't think the Browns have a fear-inducing edge rusher. The depth on the DL may provide some 4th quarter pass rush, simply by allowing everyone to stay fresher throughout the game, but they need a guy that the opposing offense has to game plan against. Preferably a guy who's not much into health food.
Running Back: I say "check," but admittedly it's too early to say with 100% certainty. Trent Richardson has show more than flashes of his talent, and I believe he's going to be the engine of this offense for a decade. However, I hate when sportswriters overreact and try to enshrine rookies into Canton after half a season, so I'm holding myself to the same standard. If TRich stays healthy and continues on his current path, I don't think anyone can doubt his worthiness, but only time will tell.
***Side Note*** New owner Jimmy Haslam wrote to the paper. Took out a personal ad. Though he's obviously nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half bad.
Quarterback: Again, I say "check," but it's early. This one is tough sell for a few reasons. One, because I was against the Weeden pick. OK, that's putting it mildly. When the pick was announced, I literally jumped off of my couch, slammed my hat down, and unleashed a string of curse words that would have made longshoremen buy me congratulatory beers in the 1940's. This was not because I thought Colt McCoy was the answer, but because I knew the Browns were at least a year away. My thinking was, why not use the plethora of picks last year to stock up every other position, and give Colt a shot this season with some actual weapons around him? That way, if 2012 went south again, you could take a QB at the top of the '13 draft and bring him into a roster that was closer to competing. Reason #2 giving Weeden a "check" is tough, is that he is indeed twenty nine years old. Prevailing NFL wisdom says it takes three years for a QB to learn the game to the point where it "slows down;" this means Weeds will be thirty two before he really "understands" the NFL. Prevailing wisdom also says that an athlete has their physical prime (in any sport) between the ages of 28-32; this means the window for Weeden to know the game while he can still play to the top of his physical talent is very, very small. Finally, this "check" is a tough sell for reason #3: the opening game against Philadelphia. It was about as bad as it can get, and everyone simply wrote him and the Browns off after that game. The game was indefensible, it was horrible, it earned every joke that came it's way. HOWEVER...
... if you've actually paid attention since week two, the guy has show consistent improvement every game. I dare say that if anyone in the WR corps could have caught a pass before two weeks ago, his numbers would be even better than they are, and there just might be another W on the board. More importantly, Weeden passes "the eyeball test." He doesn't back down. He doesn't get afraid. He doesn't play in fear, even after a mistake, which he has made and will continue to make as a rookie. If you watch his demeanor on the field, he just looks like an NFL quarterback; he has that mystical "it" factor. While I don't believe that his age will help him learn the game faster, as some have suggested, I do believe that his age and maturity will help him with the psychological part of the NFL - after a certain amount of life experience, everyone learns to shrug things off, no matter your walk of life. Being able to "put a bad one behind you" is a HUGE part of being a successful NFL quarterback, and simply put, most 29-year olds have a better chance at that than most 22-year olds. Do I think he's guaranteed to be the savior in Cleveland? No, nothing is guaranteed, and as with Richardson I won't jump to any conclusions after less than half of a season. However, I am firmly convinced that he's the best shot we've had on Lake Erie since Bernie Kosar. The kid has won me over. He also runs better than Bernie. Of course, I run better than Bernie after I've put down four tequila shooters and a Yaeger-bomb, but that's not important.
So looking back at the list, I've put checkmarks into four of the six "important" positions, which is pretty solid. Add to this the undeniable fact that the AFC is down, and there might be a leap towards the top in much quicker fashion than anyone could have believed back in August. There are still good teams in the AFC, but no longer any great teams. The talent level between the top and the bottom has closed considerably, which will allow young teams like the Browns to challenge sooner than they could have just two short seasons ago. Tomorrow is here, so folks in the national NFL media should take notice. I'm already on record as saying the Browns will represent the AFC in the Super Bowl in New York in February 2014, and I see no reason to change that prediction.
These are not the same old Browns. This is not the same old wife. You may know the smile in an instant when she walks in the place, but if you're really paying attention, you'll laugh for a moment and say "I never knew..." Let me say at this point I am not in the least bit sorry for getting this song stuck in your head for the next three days - last week I had to deal with "MmmBop" after an ill-timed trip to the grocery store.
Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting' caught in the rain...
Sunday, October 7, 2012
NFL Sunday - At 35,000 Feet
It's an NFL football Sunday, and I'm spending it at 35,000 feet. I'm flying home from Fort Lauderdale to Los Angeles, and consequently I'm unable to watch the Browns game, or any game for that matter. This season, we have NFL Sunday Ticket in our palatial LA estate, and I hate having money I've spent go to waste (Except in Las Vegas, which you may not know is a Spanish name meaning "Suuuuure, you might win! Keep trying, moron!" See, my column is a cornucopia of knowledge). In order to make the most of our purchase, I have my beautiful wife recording the game on the DVR, so I can watch it when get home, with or without the express written consent of the NFL. This situation presents a unique challenge, which some of my faithful readers have likely experienced; it's something that twenty years ago was unheard of, but is becoming more common in 2012. I have to find a way to get from the airport, to the shuttle, to my car, and to the house (Which from here forward will be referred to as "Stately Thomas Manor"), all without hearing any updates or finding out what happened in the game.
Like some of you, I can't watch a game if I already know the outcome. This strikes me as odd, since I can watch the same movies or TV shows repeatedly; I'll watch marathons of Cheers, and laugh each time as if it's the first viewing. This drives my wife nuts, which as any married person knows only makes it more fun for me. Single people, after you're married for awhile you'll learn to appreciate winning the "Annoy your spouse" game. Oh, don't act high and mighty here ladies, you're the masters at this game - is there a wife out there who can empty a dishwasher without SLAMMING the silverware into the drawer, making enough noise to send the message "If I couldn't sleep and am awake at 6:45AM, you're going to be awake too, mister!" Hello? Ladies? Anyone? Thought not. It's a fun game of marital thrust and parry. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I can't watch a game if I know what happens.
Years ago this wouldn't have been an issue. Back in the 1980's, a time period in which my thirteen year old daughter is convinced we still fought Mastodons with spears, all you had to do in this situation was simply turn off the car radio, and you were home free. We could be out of touch any time we wanted back then, but in 2012 that ability is gone. Our wish to remain connected at all times has been granted by the smartphone in our pocket, the one my grandmother refers to as "Stevie's magic phone." There are ESPN apps that send out automatic updates on our favorite teams, email blasts, Facebook, Twitter ... a myriad of ways I can have my DVR'd game ruined for me, and there's virtually no way to turn them all off successfully. Even if you do somehow pull that off, there's still the human element; sports fans always have friends who we are in contact with on game day. In my case, I spend most Sundays texting with my brother in Ohio about the Browns game, so if he doesn't remember that I'm on a plane today, I'll power up my phone after landing and be barraged with stored messages from him; some about the game, others which are simply expletive filled diatribes about the Steelers. (The latter becomes more frequent, and far more vulgar, as his beer intake rises. In the past few seasons, he's taught me several curse words that I never before knew existed, as well as the wide variety of species with whom Ben Roethlesberger apparently copulates in startling frequency. I'm uncertain exactly how my brother acquires this knowledge, but it's great fun.) For those wondering, yes I must turn on my phone. Not only am I waiting for several work related messages, but I have to let my wife know I've landed, and when to bring the car to the shuttle dropoff. It's a high wire act of technological avoidance, and one mistake will be the equivalent of using the last of the Frankenberries to make breakfast (or dinner), then spilling the entire bowl in your lap. Tragedy.
So I have to generate a plan, a method for avoiding not only all updates via my phone, but any snippets of conversation around me in the airport or on the shuttle, such as people exchanging scores with friends, or the possibility that I could run into another Browns fan in LA. I know there's a bunch of us out here, but we tend to stay underground and hidden, kind of like the French resistance in Casablanca, except with fewer Nazis and more bathing. So far, the best plan I've created is to stick my fingers in my ears and yell "Lalalalalalalalalallalalalalallala I'm not listening I'm not listening I'm not listening Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalallal!" for the entire time period after debarking the plane until I arrive at home. While I'm sure you're reading this and thinking "Genius! That is utterly foolproof! Honey, let's send Stephen a pile of cash, to fund that one man Think-Tank he has going over there!" my plan does have a small flaw, in that this type of public behavior can attract the unwanted attention of those annoying, self righteous, do-gooders known as "the authorities." Add to that the fact that I'll be in an airport, surrounded by the TSA, and the "LaLaLa" plan could lead to me spending a bit of time in that little back room marked "secondary security." Now, I've always wanted to know what it looks like back there, and I've heard rumors they have cookies, so it could be fun. Also, several hours of psychologically probing interrogation questions ("What's wrong with you, boy?" "You stupid or somethin'?") would likely offer protection from hearing the Browns score. However, I believe these small advantages are outweighed by the high probability of a tazer being hooked up to my delicate man parts. (I would like to point out at this time that the good folks of the TSA are highly trained, reasonable professionals, who should in no way take this as an impeachment of their skills, or an invitation to pull me aside for a random cavity search. Just ribbing you, guys! Ha ha!) Plus, there might ultimately not be any cookies back there, and I'm not sure I could handle that level of disappointment. As flawed as it may be, this is the best plan I currently have, so I'm going to implement it 100%. Watch for me on the news.
On a side note, I think it might be fun to Live Tweet the game as I watch it on the DVR four hours late, just to confuse my followers into thinking I've completely lost it. In fact, that sounds so fun I might do that in the future with other sporting events, or even old episodes of BJ And The Bear.
Anyway, we were just told to put our tray tables in the upright and locked position, because as we all know, an improperly positioned seat tray will almost certainly distract the pilot to the point where he accidentally bypasses LAX, and instead lands us in the parking lot of a TJ Maxx in Walla Walla. So I need to begin preparations for this gauntlet run up the 405 towards home. Wish me luck. If you text me any score updates, I'll tell the TSA you're wearing cocaine underwear.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
There's a growing rumble in Cleveland that the Browns need to get running back Trent Richardson more carries. All I've been hearing is, "They need to run more sweeps."
To read the full article, click here to see my column on MAN BITES DAWG.
To read the full article, click here to see my column on MAN BITES DAWG.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Almost At The Quarter Pole - Cleveland Browns 2012
As we approach the quarter pole of the NFL season, let's take a moment to reflect on our Browns thus far. Let's also take a moment to hop that the quarter pole is made of brass, and has a hot girl swinging around on it./ (I've apparently spent too much time in Vegas lately)...
For the full article, click here and go to AFC North Report.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Intelligent Booger Jokes
I was recently told that the general public has combined the attention span of a kitten on meth with the intelligence level of liverwurst, and therefore I need to "dumb down" my writing.
I refuse to do so.
It's insulting to me as a writer, and to you as a person (or reasonable facsimile thereof), to assume that any topic, joke, or reference made in print is over anyone's head. I say write what you write, and those that enjoy it will find you. Assuming that your audience is the cast of Road Warrior is like saying that the public is so stupid they'll vote for a dog act over a hysterical, professional, veteran comic like Tom Cotter on a reality contest show. Wait, that actually happened? Well that completely sucks, but even though mistakes - huge, obvious, glaring mistakes - are occasionally made, my point is still valid. Rather than condescend to my readers, I prefer to give everyone credit for reading at or above a reasonably adult level, and having an IQ at least twice as high as a jar of pickles (Sweet, not dill). It seems to me that the Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo crowd aren't going to enjoy my writing anyway, so why should I put any effort into appealing to that society destroying demographic?
It seems these days everyone is attempting to promote and market to the lowest level of human intelligence. I am eagerly anticipating the day when "Slacker Chic" is no longer in Vogue, or even in Elle. To my thinking, intentionally writing less than your best falls into the category of negative activity, and I have spent the past year focusing intently on being positive. Positivity produces positive results, and reaching for your best effort every day is most definitely a positive activity. You and I are smarter than they believe, and we need to stick together. This is why you will never see texting abbreviations, lack of capitalization or punctuation, or the catastrophe that is "Imma" in my writing.
You'll notice that I'm discussing intelligence, and nowhere in this column have I said the word "edgy." I don't give a flying squirrel fart about edgy. "Edgy" is for people who are so into not being "mainstream" that they don't realize they're simply a slave to the mainstream of another demographic. I write what I think is funny, and I am confident and secure enough to know that those out there who also find it funny, will migrate to my column eventually. My humor is my own, and it ranges from juvenile 8th grade "I know you are but what am I" dialogue, to the most obscure "10%" references that I know when I type them are going to fly under the radar. If you enjoy it, then I am beyond thankful and grateful to you, and I hope you return to my column again and again. If you do not enjoy it, then you are a giant, boogerheaded stinkface, and I hope you return to my column again and again.
Years ago, I worked with Emo Phillips at a comedy club in Fort Lauderdale. Whether or not you enjoy his style on stage, Emo is a brilliant writer, and that week he told me something that I have never forgotten. It's the biggest lesson I've ever learned in comedy, and I've applied it to my writing, and my life in general. "The two biggest lessons a comic must learn are these: 1 - Know who you are, and 2 - Know who you are not." It's really that simple. Write and perform as YOU, and the rest will fall into place. I know who I am and who I am not, and therefore I have a good understanding of what demographics produce my fans. People who want Hillbilly HandFishing will not read my work. People who can discuss the differences between Big Brother Season Three and Season Nine will not read my published articles. Steelers fans are giant bags of stupid, who smell like something out of a woodchuck's garbage. These are some of the irrefutable facts through which I try to lead my life.
The basic premise of "dumbing down" writing - or lowering the bar for your chosen pursuits, whatever those may be - is against my nature. Every morning or late afternoon I wake up, and no matter what is on my agenda, I have one overriding goal: to be better than I was yesterday. Better as a writer and a comic, better as a Husband and Father, and better as a man in general. If I'm lowering my standards, then not only am I insulting you, the reader, without whom my writing would have no voice, but I'm also not attempting to improve myself. If I'm not trying to be better than I was yesterday, then I've already seen the best I'll ever be, and that makes for a long, long road ahead.
To you, my readers that consistently return, I say thank you. I am grateful for you, your loyalty, and your constant monetary gifts to my PayPal account at email@example.com. In return for your readership, I promise I will never insult your intelligence by giving anything but my best effort. Whether that effort produces results which make you think and giggle and maybe pee in your pants a little will obviously vary, but the effort will always be consistent. Then I will smack you in the face with booger and fart jokes. That is the relationship which I propose to you.
Do we have a deal?
Follow me on Twitter @15stephen15, and "Like" my Facebook Fan Page HERE.
Follow me on Twitter @15stephen15, and "Like" my Facebook Fan Page HERE.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
AFC North Report: Browns Week #1 Wrapup
A look back at the near-upset, with some thoughts from your fearless Browns fan, published on AFC North Report. Yes, fearless. You have to be fearless to follow this team.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Reader Mailbag: Cleveland Browns Season Predictions
As most of my loyal fan base knows and has been discussing over coffee and marmalade for weeks, it has been quite some time since I've done a reader mailbag column. In fact, my official guy-who-does-these-kinds-of-things (Code Name: Larry) tells me that I haven't done a reader mailbag column since "ever," which is at least before the eclipse, possibly even prior the Hell's Kitchen swimsuit competition. (Do they do that? I don't watch that show.) Anyway, it's apparently been awhile, and this is causing grave consternation amongst my faithful readers, as proven by the following transcript of an actual conversation between two of my imaginary readers from the Washington D.C. area:
Reader #1: "Wow, Stephen has't done a reader mailbag column in at least a fortnight."
Reader #2: "Are you consternated about it?"
Reader #1: "Gravely."
Far be it from me to be the cause of any variety of consternation, so with the NFL season rapidly approaching, let's do a combination reader mailbag/season prediction column. Oh, and I've recently taken to calling myself "King Thunder," mostly because it's what my wife calls me. So all future reader mail must be addressed as such, or no Frankenberries for you.
Dear King Thunder,
Is it true that you're planning to pick the Browns over the Eagles this week? Follow up question, are you planning to bogart the entire bag of whatever you're smoking?
Eddie from Elyria
Dear Eddie From Elyria,
I am indeed, predicated on two things: One, that TRich plays. Two, that Haden plays. If either of those two things don't occur, I will change my pick. As of now, however, this just feels like a game where Philly is overlooking the Browns ... as everyone says they should ... and I mean EVERYONE. That's actually a large factor as to why I'm picking Cleveland - if history has taught us anything it's that A) Anyone can be assassinated (thanks Michael Corleone) and B) If all the sportswriters in the world agree on something and scoff with incredibly unwarranted sportswriter superiority at anyone who disagrees, it almost always turns out to be wrong. Plus, a power running game makes a four win team at least an eight win team. With TRich, that's what the Browns have ... potentially. As it relates to this particular game, as many great names as the Eagles have on defense, they were surprisingly soft against the run last year, surrendering 4.4 yds/rush. Oh, and my bag of "stuff" is for medical purposes only. All this reading of mail gives me serious glaucoma. (For all of my weekly NFL picks, go to my Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/stephenthomascomic)
Dear King Thunder,
Obviously the Browns are going to go 16-0, but what do you think of the rest of the division? Are there any players on those other three teams that maybe the Browns could pick up for their practice squad or anything?
Tom from Twinsburg
Dear Tom from Twinsburg,
First, please give me back my bag of medically approved stuff. I think the Browns will be much improved, but let's not get crazy. Thirteen wins, maybe fourteen; anything more than that sounds like a nutty skit from SuperHost. Second, I think there is potential for a step back for at least one of the other teams in the division, and that's the Ravens. I understand what they're doing with the Flacco hurry-up offense, and I think it will work. However, with the age on that defense, they're taking a huge gamble. Understand, they're not planning to run a no-huddle, but an actual hurry-up, a la the Jim Kelly Buffalo Bills. Those Buffalo defenses wore down at the end of seasons due to all of the extra time on the field, and they were relatively young at their core. This Baltimore defense is long in the tooth, to put it mildly. I think they'll hold up fine the first half of the season and blast out of the gate at 4-0 or 6-1 or something similar, and then wear down in the stretch run. Fortunately for them, I don't believe any of the other three AFC North teams have enough in the tank to catch them, so they'll reign for one more year.
Dear King Thunder,
How can the season be "rapidly approaching?" Doesn't the passage of time stay at a constant, regardless of impending events?
Aaron from Akron
Dear Aaron from Akron,
You are most likely correct, although I've seen several episodes of Star Trek: TNG that raise the possibility of time not being as linear as modern physicists believe. Aren't you way too smart to be reading my column?
Dear King Thunder,
You didn't really answer all of Tom from Twinsburg's question, you just cherry picked one team and then dodged the rest. What are you, a politician or something?
Dave from Dayton
Dear Dave from Dayton,
It's my prerogative as a professional humor writing type person (PHWTP). What are you, a lawyer or something?
Dear King Thunder,
Yes, actually I am. Now will you answer the question and explain your whereabouts on the night of the OJ murders, please?
Dave from Dayton
Dear Dave from Dayton,
No Hablo Ingles. (Sets off Ninja smoke bomb, escapes through secret floor hatch.)
Dear King Thunder,
So why don't you just tell us what you think about the 2012 Browns? This is supposed to be a football column, you know.
Mike from Marietta
Dear Mike from Marietta,
First off, that shows what you know about my column; none of my regular readers think I know the first thing about football. Of course, none of my regular readers own more than two pair of pants, and they rarely wear either one except to a formal event such as an arraignment, but that's for another discussion. Second, OK, here's my 2012 Browns thoughts, in all seriousness. Or mostly seriousness. Or a 70/30 Seriousness/Polyester blend. I really, truly, honestly believe they're going to be much, much better than anyone is predicting. Last year, they hung around in almost every game, and could have won at least five more, and that was with virtually no offense. Now, they have (potentially, all based on that knee) a power running game, and some skill and speed at the WR position, raw though it may be. With an improved defensive line (at least on paper) especially after Phil Taylor comes back, the defense should be even better than it was a year ago. Finally, as much as I wanted them to stick with Colt for another year and then go after Barkley next year if things didn't improve, I've liked the little we've seen from Weeden. Will they make the playoffs? Even I'm not nutty enough to say that. However, I think 6-8 wins isn't beyond reasonable to expect. They're going to surprise some people. So I'm going with 8-8. That's my prediction. Now get off my back.
Dear King Thunder,
What are you going to say when people reply to this column and call you an idiot and a moron, with poorly spelled curse words, non-existent punctuation, and horrific grammar?
Frank from Columbus
Dear Frank from Columbus,
Don't you know that all reader mailbag questions MUST come from people who have alliteration in their first name and their hometown? I'm not answering your question until you rectify this situation. Jerk.
Dear King Thunder,
So what are your division, and Super Bowl picks? Come on, I can't wait any longer - I've secretly liquidated my company's entire 401k fund, and want to go bet it all in Las Vegas based on your psychic abilities.
Carl from Cleveland
Dear Carl from Cleveland,
First, thank you for following the name and hometown rules. If you happen to see Frank from Columbus, kick him repeatedly in the duodenum for me, OK? (What? duodenum is a real thing.) Second, you were wise to make such a bold financial transaction. Sure, people like your bosses and the SEC will be mad at first, but when you put all of the money back plus profit at the end of the season, they're sure to throw you a parade. Third, here we go: AFC East: New England. AFC North: Baltimore. AFC South: Houston. AFC West: Denver. NFC East: Dallas. NFC North: Green Bay. NFC South: New Orleans. NFC West: San Francisco. Super Bowl: Green Bay over New England.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Cleveland Browns Preseason: Tough To Diagnose
New Browns column is up at AFC North Report. I filled it with as much jocularity as possible. I think it's jocularity. It could be rabies. I always get those two confused.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
I Know You Are, But What Am I?
My most recent NFL article, "The Cleveland Browns Know You Are, But What Are They?" has been published by AFC North Report and picked up by Fox Sports. After you read it, leave me a great comment, and share the link with your friends because you love it so much, why don't you marry it? I am so serious right now...
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Which Las Vegas Will It Be?
Heading to Vegas later this month for two weeks of comedy; you can read my columns about all three of the different Las Vegas's here.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Tim Tebow Is A Space Alien And Stephen A Smith Wants To Stab Skip Bayless.
AFC North Report and Yardbarker.com have published another of my NFL columns. It offers conclusive proof that Stephen A Smith might stab Skip Bayless, and Tim Tebow is a space alien. No, really. See for yourself HERE.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
1991 - Last Great Moment For Cleveland Browns Fans
Yardbarker.com, a part of the Fox Sports Network, has published my column on the past twenty years of Cleveland Browns fans misery. Read it HERE and pass it on!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Mad Dogs And Mock Drafts
My guest column "Mad Dogs And Mock Drafts" is now published on the sports humor website Draft Day Suit. It's possibly the greatest NFL Mock Draft you will ever read, according to this pantsless guy sitting beside me at the park. Go check it out!
You can also now follow me on Twitter @15stephen15
You can also now follow me on Twitter @15stephen15
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Eighteen Predictions For The Masters
My guest column "Eighteen Predictions For The Masters" is now published on the sports humor website Draft Day Suit. Go check it out! You can also now follow me on Twitter @15stephen15
For my previous golf articles, click the links below:
I Love You, But If That Goes In...
Of Mice And Golf: Traditions
For my previous golf articles, click the links below:
I Love You, But If That Goes In...
Of Mice And Golf: Traditions
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The Code Of The Jacket
The Code Of The Jacket
We had a deep freeze here in Los Angeles this past week. For not one, not two, but four or five days the temperature hovered around a life-threatening 45 degrees. There was a panicked mob of personal assistants clearing all of the canned goods from the grocery stores, which were promptly returned after the mob realized canned goods are not organic and were probably made by some evil 1% corporation. Then there was a run on the prepared soup, pre-mixed salads, and soy burgers at Whole Foods. Then there was a short period of texting, but everyone was driving their car speeding towards home so it was OK. It was such a terrifying ordeal that Governor Moonbeam nearly called out the National Guard - luckily he "found a mellow patch," and Martial Law was averted. The worst part of the Los Angeles 2012 Olympic Winter Games? I had to wear a jacket. That's right, a JACKET. For several days. In a ROW! Madness!!! If I wanted to wear a stinkin' jacket all the time, I'd move back to Ohio and go to Browns playoff games in January! (That's the most obvious joke on the blog; a Cleveland Browns playoff game? At HOME? What is this, 1988?) However, wearing this jacket (pictured below) while watching the chaos of winter in LA brought me to an understanding, and it was this: very few in this "me first" town live up to what I call The Code Of The Jacket.
Loyal readers are aware that I have been overseas numerous times, doing shows for the military. Despite performing for audiences who are fully trained to use the weapons in their laps, I survive and keep getting asked to return. On one of these trips several years ago with Steve Mazan (of "Dying To Do Letterman" fame) as well as Award Winning Comedian Don Barnhart (who I believe is in the process of legally changing his first name to "Award Winning") and funnyman Warren B Hall, the airline lost my luggage. OK, this happens, but you have to understand that we were at the termination of what was roughly a 6,487 hour trip, which finished in the mountains of Kyrgyzstan, a country so poor they can barely afford vowels. The temperature when we landed was six degrees, and I had the shorts & t-shirt I was wearing and not much else. It was also 2AM, and our contact informed me that the BX at Manas Air Base was closed until morning. Despite the tingly shrinkage issues, I soldiered on, made it through the night, and purchased a bunch of new stuff the following morning. The folks at Manas were kind enough to lend me a heavy duty winter coat, which was fantastic until I had to turn it back in as we left Manas and headed towards now closed K2 Air Base in Uzbekistan.
The trip to K2 was supposed to be a short flight (we weren't on Delta so there was no connection in Detroit, which we would have missed anyway), so I figured that while on the plane, I would simply tough it out and wear the fleece sweatshirt that I had purchased, then borrow another winter coat once we arrived. Beautiful plan, until our plane was reassigned to a combat mission and we disembarked to stand on the tarmac, waiting for another to arrive. Along with several dozen soldiers, we stood on tundra that made Lambeau Field seem tropical and waited. Then we waited. After that was some waiting. Then for fun, we waited. Now, we were standing next to military folks, who were heading to K2 and points south in Afghanistan where they would likely be shot at, so there was no way I was complaining. On all of these trips my motto is "If they can do what they do, I can never miss a show even if I'm so sick I have a fever of 104 and am hurling into the desert on the side of the road in Qatar and the base doctors give me an official diagnosis of 'Dude, you're sick.'" (A wordy motto, to be sure, but a true story, for another time.)(If you don't believe me, Barnhart, Mazan, and Hall can confirm) As I stood there, turtling as far down into the hoodless fleece sweatshirt as possible, an unknown soldier in full battle rattle and a ski mask appeared and tapped my shoulder. When I turned to face him, he wordlessly handed me the above pictured jacket. I asked if he was sure, saying I didn't want to take a jacket from someone else, and he waved me off, again wordlessly. I put on the jacket, which is warmer than it appears, and eventually another plane arrived.
Upon landing at K2, we went to the arrivals building to do paperwork (military folks know that I really mean "we went to the arrivals hut and stood around for awhile, waiting for the guy with our paperwork to get out of bed and arrive"). Once inside, I removed the jacket and began asking around to see whose it was. It belonged to no one, apparently. After about ten minutes of questioning the soldiers, I stood on a bench and loudly asked "Who was it that gave me this jacket? I want to thank you and give it back!" Nothing. No response. I asked if anyone had already left, thinking maybe I'd missed them, and again no one said anything. Eventually I realized that I wasn't getting an answer because these folks in the military live by a code. Now when I say "code," I don't mean a secret James Bond decoder ring code, like if I say "To my old getaway driver, the white ferret is correct, and haha balls," and someone in Russia knows exactly where I've hidden the detonators. No, not that kind of code, although that would be cool, wouldn't it? (By the way, to the Turkish gentleman I know only as Winston Churchill I say "Captain Funky just passed Uranus.") No, it's a different kind of code, the kind you live your life by, a Ghandi-esque thing, and their code is simple: help people. That's it. That's all it takes. No grand gesture, major life involvement, or government program needed. This soldier, whoever he or she was, saw someone who was cold and gave them a jacket to keep warm. Humbling, to say the least.
It is amazing how an act so small can have such a profound and far reaching effect. Every time I wonder if what I do matters, I remember that soldier, and it reinforces my positive energy and my belief in living. To this day, whenever I wear that jacket in this desolate, arctic village of Hollywood, I think back to that night, and I wonder who that soldier was. I wonder if they came back from their deployment in one piece and now lead a regular, humdrum life. Do they go bowling on Tuesdays? Are they getting enough natural fiber in their diet? Do they remember that one episode of Cheers where the guys took Diane to the opera? I wonder if they're out there now, reading this, and if someday I'll get to meet them, thank them, and give them back their jacket. Of the many items and souvenirs I've brought back from trips to the Middle East and Southwest Asia, The Jacket is one of my most prized possessions. It reminds me of all that is good and right in the world, and how every single day is a miracle. It also makes me think. Every time I pull that jacket out of the closet and slip in on, I wonder: Am I living up to The Code?
How about you, can I help you in some way?
Tell you what, loyal readers, here's my self-challenge goal and my offer to you: I want to help 100 people by the end of the month. Go "like" my Facebook Fan Page HERE, and leave me a message saying how I can help you. If I can help, I will. If I can't, I'll do my best to pass you along to someone who can, or at least try to point you in the right direction. All I want back is that you in turn help someone else. That's it.
The Code Of The Jacket. Pass it on.
Help say thank you to our military men and women by purchasing my comedy DVD on my website HERE - as I have for nearly a decade now, I donate a portion of every DVD sale to a military charity. I've recently switched my donations to "The Wounded Warrior Project," which helps those injured in battle with just about everything upon their return home. Just my way of saying Thank You.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Couples Vegas
The dice tumble. As they do, the world is a slow motion jumble of noise, color, and excitement. A crowd has gathered around the craps table in pit five, and you are a rock star, baybee. You are on a run like none you've ever been on. The group of young guys with the perpetual five o'clock shadow, dressed like they live in a cologne commercial, have been calling you "One Serious Bastard," which is apparently a compliment. Heck, even the Dallas businessmen, all donning hats larger than the state of their birth, have made you an honorary Texan. It's your night, and it's going to continue. You just know it. The casino has sent a snooper to your table to see if you're somehow cheating, and the pit boss is watching your every move. You don't care, you're not cheating - it's just one of those lucky Vegas rolls that happens every third light year.
The music thumps, and even though you have no clue who the band is (you stopped listening to popular music shortly after "Full Moon Fever," thank God for Sirius/XM's "Eighties On Eight" channel) it doesn't matter, this is your night and you're cooler than Sinatra in '63. As the dice approach the far wall, you're strangely relaxed, almost as if you can see the numbers coming.
Is it 2PM or 2AM? Does it really matter? You're the center of the universe! Bring it on, Vegas! This is YOUR night!!! You OWN this town!!! Seven, baybee! I knew it, another seven!! Hey Cologne Boys, not only am I One Serious Bastard, I'm your King! A mighty yell goes up from the crowd!!!
Your eyes snap open, and the crowd has vanished. There are no Cologne Boys, and no Texans, honorary or otherwise. The music has changed from hip and pounding to Enya. Or is it those chanting Monks? You're laying on a table in a room full of ferns, naked under a towel. You look to your right and there's your lovely wife, sitting up on a table exactly like yours, wrapped in a towel exactly like yours. There are two other women in the room, dressed in white. Your wife says "The massage is over, you must have fallen asleep. There's a hot tub break now, before the facials." Ah yes, now you remember. It's a spa weekend in Vegas with your lady. It's Couples Vegas.
Don't get me wrong, Couples Vegas is not bad, not at all. In fact, it's actually extremely nice. When my wife Carolyn and I did our last trip, we ate at high end restaurants, got dressed up for the spectacular shows, and did this eight hour "Couples Treatment" at The Spa At Aria, which is one of the top rated spas in the country. All good things, all fun in their own way, and heck, any time I get to spend an entire weekend with my girl, without the child, it's a good thing. It's just that this is a different Vegas than the Vegas you're used to - it seems this trip to Vegas is one where you'll remember every second, and that's a bit jarring and unusual for men. You're used to coming home with hazy memories and clothes that reek of cigar smoke. Couples Vegas is a Vegas where when you wake up, everything is peaceful, and you simply begin your day. This is the part - the daytime part - where as a man, I stepped into a woman's world and was a bit lost. See, for our anniversary, I had presented my wife with a certificate saying we would go for a long weekend in Vegas, and during this time there would be no poker, no golfing, no cigars, nada. It was a good bluff on my part, but she called me on it - she's picked up on my tells. This was to be HER weekend, and we would do whatever she wanted to do; she'd earned it. My wife works extremely hard, is a great Mom, and as of this writing has only attempted to murder me in my sleep a couple of times, as far as I know. The dinners and shows on this trip were a bit out of character for us, as we usually low-key it in those areas, but there's nothing particularly unusual about them. The spa trip was the star of the weekend, and it was a world as foreign to me as victory is to Cleveland.
As I relate the events of Spa Day, I will include side notes to explain the trickier parts to the guys out there among my faithful readers.
On Spa Day, we woke up, had breakfast, showered, and went to the spa, located at Aria. We arrived, checked in, and were shown to our personal spa suite. We were to stay in this suite all day, and the various masseuses and other spa practitioners would be coming to us at scheduled intervals. Apparently, this is a big deal, as Carolyn (along with every subsequent female she's told about it) was very excited about this fact. (*NOTE FOR GUYS*: I learned that usually during an all-day spa experience, you have to walk from room to room to get the different treatments (massage, facial, manicure, etc). Yeah, I don't get it either. Since these rooms appeared to be a maximum of five feet apart, I can't imagine how stressful walking between them could possibly be, but she was thrilled about it, so I was thrilled as well.) After being shown around the suite and its various rooms, our hostess left and Carolyn informed me that step one was to take a shower. Since we had showered at out hotel no more than forty minutes previous, I inquired as to why another was necessary. She informed me, in a tone of voice you might use to explain the space-time continuum to a particularly slow-witted chipmunk, that "It's just something we have to do, OK?" At this point I knew I should stop asking questions and just roll with it. While she was in the shower, I explored the suite; I must say it's pretty fantastic, kudos to the folks at Aria. A shower and bathroom roughly the size of the house we're hopelessly underwater in was on one end, followed by the treatment room, and finally the "family room," which consisted of a huge sitting area with a high end couch and chairs, a giant hot tub, and a plasma TV that was at least sixty inches. (*NOTE FOR GUYS* I knew the TV could get ESPN. I also instinctively knew that if I attempted to turn it to ESPN, even while she was in the shower, she just might slip a fin-ski to one of the practitioners to "accidentally" punch my manstuff. I'm not a rookie.) After my shower (During which, I could swear my hair said "Didn't we just do this an hour ago?"), we sat in our robes for awhile until the masseuses arrived, and I was asked to choose which scent of oil I wanted for my massage. When I said I didn't have any idea, and asked if there were pros or cons to any of the scents, the three women exchanged one of those woman looks where they all but roll their eyes and put a dunce cap on my head. The masseuse then held the tray of oils closer to my face, in the same way you would jingle your keys in front of a screaming infant to pacify him, and when I finally blurted out "Peppermint" I seriously thought she was going to tousle my hair and reward me with a Scooby Snack. The two of them then held up towels, told us to drop our robes and lay on the table, and they then draped the towels over us. (*NOTE FOR GUYS*: If I saw another guy who began to give me guff about going to a "girly spa," my planned response was "I was naked in a room with three chicks, and I DIDN'T get arrested for it. Top that, jerkface!" You know, to highlight my maturity.) I won't go into detail about the massage itself, except to say that it was indeed a relaxing situation. I think it lasted nearly an hour, and I dozed off a couple of times. (*NOTE FOR GUYS*: It's not like the "massage" videos you see on the internet. OK, it's kind of like the first free clip, but nothing like free clips two through four. If that's what you're after, you need to go to a different part of Vegas. FYI, this being a different type of massage is the reason that when I was laying on my back, there were no tents in the room. If you get my drift.) After the massage, we had a break. A break from what, I'm not sure, but we had a break. "Man, I can't take that lying down relaxing anymore. Let's go sit for awhile!" As we lounged in the hot tub and on the couch, we noticed that at some point during the massage, our hostess had snuck in and brought a tray of fresh fruit and some sparkling water. The smile on Carolyn's face was all I needed to tell me that this was exceeding her expectations. Plus there was kiwi, and I love kiwi. Sometimes it makes me a little gassy, but that's what the bubbles in the hot tub were for, right? Next item on the agenda: the facials. (*NOTE FOR GUYS*: Again, different than those you've seen on the 'net)
Having never been through one of these, I wasn't sure what to expect. There's even more oil involved in this than there was in the massage. (Thankfully, I didn't have to choose a scent this time.) My face was smeared with more oil than Kyle Busch's pistons. Is there oil on pistons? I'm not a car guy. Anyway, it was pretty oily. After she slathered me in the oil, she rubbed it into my skin in a hard, angry fashion, like I had slept with her sister or something. She would place her thumbs on either side of my nose, and move them outwards in opposite directions, with a force that could only have been designed to split the skin in two and expose my nose cartilage. After my skin valiantly remained in place, she gave up and in an apparent attempt to blind me instead, placed a steaming hot towel over my eyes - think the same level of hot as the one Babu gave Kramer in the Pakistani Dream Cafe episode of Seinfeld. I seriously began to wonder if I owed this woman money or something. After the towel was placed, I laid there for quite awhile with nothing happening. Both of the facial technicians had left, and they were probably in the family room, going through our pockets, spitting in my sparkling water because of whatever it was I did to offend them, and plotting what they were to do to me next. "Hey, let's put pickles up his nose! We'll say it's good for the skin, the idiot won't know the difference! Haha! Hey, turn it to ESPN so his wife stabs him later." Well, there were no pickles involved, but this woman really hated my nose, and was out to redeem herself after failing to split the skin. Once they returned, the towel was replaced with a new one (just as hot, in case there were a few remaining rods and cones in my eyes that had somehow not melted) and she began jabbing my nose with what felt like a particularly nasty Cat O' Nine Tails, or perhaps an experimental military superheated Trident of some kind. I later found out that she was in fact, using industrial tweezers - which she must have recently removed from the surface of the sun - to "excavate the blemishes" from my nose. (*NOTE FOR GUYS*: "Excavate the blemishes" means "pop the blackheads." I know. Women pay for this, yet they say the stuff WE do is gross.) Either I have a ton of blemishes on my nose, or I slept with her sister AND I owe her money AND I poisoned her Parakeet, because she went after me with the vengeance of a Kraken. Once at football practice, I took the crown of a linebacker's helmet directly into my mandanglers, and that was a cakewalk by comparison. I fought back the tears as best I could, or maybe I simply couldn't create any because my tear ducts had been heated to the point of only producing lava. This medieval nose torture technique went on for what seemed like weeks. If it was an inquisition, I would have told them whatever they wanted to know. I would have admitted to being the second gunman on the grassy knoll, writing "Gigli," and being responsible for The BCS, if she'd promise to stop. I was seriously about ready to jump up, grab this woman by the throat and yell "WHAT'S YOUR FRICKIN' PROBLEM, LADY?!?" Then, mercifully, it was over. She removed the towel from my eyes (I regained my sight slowly, like Han Solo in Return of The Jedi), and began to slather even more oil on my face. Based on how much this woman hated me, I half expected it to be battery acid, but it was quite soothing. After the technicians had gathered their things and left (and I THANKED them, what the hell is wrong with me?), Carolyn looked at me and said "Wow, facials really agree with you; you look fantastic! You look like you're wearing makeup!" (*NOTE FOR GUYS*: If a man says this to another man, a throat punch is justified. Several, in fact. However, in woman world this is considered a compliment.) She was extremely happy with the outcome for both of us, so again, I was happy. If all I have to do to give my girl some joy is endure an hour of searing, inhuman pain, I can do that. Although, if I ever see that woman on the street, I'll have some words for her. After I check to see she doesn't have her tweezers, of course.
After another hot tub break, we ordered lunch, and it was top shelf. I had a steak salad and some lobster bisque, Carolyn ordered a panini the size of Rhode Island, and we split some sushi and a fruit & nut plate. Every single item was delicious. Again, kudos to Aria for an absolutely magnificent spa suite experience, and I'm not just saying that in the hopes that they'll send me some free certificates or anything to the address they can easily get by emailing me at email@example.com or finding me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/stephenthomascomic. Not at all.
The remainder of Spa Day consisted of several hot tub "treatments," wherein different salts, herbs, and for all I know pastas were dumped into the water and we sat in it. It smelled good, I guess, and my wife thoroughly enjoyed it, so you know what? I enjoyed it too. The last hour in the suite was ours to do with what we wished, so we sat in the hot tub for awhile. I did learn something about hot tubs: as much as guys like to joke about sitting near the jets for certain adolescent reasons, the bigger tubs have jets too powerful for your manstuff to be directly in front of, if you take my meaning. Lesson learned, we stayed in the hot tub until we got a little dizzy, then moved to the couch. She put on her robe, and I sat there in my altogether. Hey, I had an opportunity to be naked in public, I was not going to pass it up. After a bit, Carolyn asked if I wanted to turn the TV to ESPN. Years of marriage alerted me that this was a trap. "No baby, this is your weekend," was my reply. Seriously? She thought I'd fall for that one? What am I, a rookie? (*NOTE FOR GUYS*: It wasn't during the playoffs of any major sporting season, so it's not like I missed anything. Timing, baybee.) I got a smile out of her for that one. NOW ... This is the point where if it was MY spa experience, there would have been sex. You know, as a reward. (Of course, if it was MY choice to go to a spa, I'd have rock hard abs, Carolyn would have actually been a man named Karl or something, and I'd be living an entirely different lifestyle. I'd also probably be a better dresser, and more successful in Hollywood, but I digress.) There was none. After all, it was her weekend, and she deserved seventy two hours of not being pawed at; so even though I had spent an entire day nude in a room surrounded by various women, I parked the car. I love my wife so much, I will not have sex with her. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.
As we were gathering our things, Carolyn asked if I enjoyed the experience. I said yes, and I meant it. I got to spend the day with the woman I adore, doing something that makes her wildly happy - that's the definition of a good day for me. She asked if I thought she looked better after all of the treatments. Now, I think my wife is beautiful no matter what, but I told her that she did look great, anyway. (*NOTE FOR GUYS*: Notice I said she looked "great," not "better." Again, what am I, a rookie?) She was absolutely thrilled with how she looked and felt, so when we got all dolled up and went out that evening, she radiated that confident beauty around the room, and I only had eyes for her. (My eyes having cooled and resumed functioning shortly before dinner)
Let me say this to the guys out there: if you have the opportunity to give a weekend in Couples Vegas to your woman, do it. She'll appreciate it more than you can possibly imagine. You'll also have more fun than you think. The Dallas businessmen and the Cologne Boys may try to take away your Vegas man card, but just remind them: Eight hours naked, a dozen women in and out of the room. That's right, I am One Serious Bastard. I think.
For the two previous Las Vegas Trilogy articles, click HERE for "25 year Old Vegas" and HERE for "Forty Plus Vegas."
For the two previous Las Vegas Trilogy articles, click HERE for "25 year Old Vegas" and HERE for "Forty Plus Vegas."
As always, friend me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/stephenthomascomic, or visit my website at http://www.starspangledcomedy.com.
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Game On
No one can say RISD's athletic community lacks spunk.
No one can say RISD's athletic community lacks spunk. Many of the college's sporting organizations have developed quite a reputation due to rowdy gameplay, clever mascot costumes and team names laced with over-the-top innuendo.
The Nads, the college's co-ed ice hockey team, is only one example of silly RISD team spirit. While players are busy slapping pucks on the ice, Scrotie - the team's phallus-shaped mascot - heckles opposing teams without a shred of mercy. And when there's a lull in the on-ice action, the team's irreverent representative fires up fans to participate in bawdy cheers.
The newest sporting clubs at RISD have just as much enthusiasm. Consider the RISD Pricks, a fencing club started last year. According to Ashton Agbomenou 14 FAV, who serves as captain, his teammates are dedicated to the sport that uses pointed blades as athletic equipment. "It can get intense," he explains. "Fencing is somewhat like a chess game. It's all about when to attack and deliver."
Don't let the name fool you - the RISD Pricks are actually quite welcoming. The student organization encourages newcomers to drop by practices held three times a week in the RISD Auditorium. "We're a tight-knit group. We all help each other to improve," explains Agbomenou.
There, with the help Atilio Tass, the head coach of the Brown University fencing team, about 12 students practice their swordsmanship and lunging techniques. And after mastering a set of moves, the fencers compete against each other in a series of fast-paced matches. "As soon as you step out onto the mats, the adrenaline starts to pump right away," Agbomenou explains.
The RISD Seamen is another breakout club that's quickly gaining recognition on campus. Last spring Kevin Saxon 14 FD began to drum up support for a student-run sailing club. He got his wish when RISD administrators blessed the organization this fall. "We're so close to the water I just thought RISD should have a sailing club," Saxon explains.
When the weather is favorable, the small band of intrepid sailors zips on life preservers and makes its way down to Providence's Community Boating Center - a local facility that partnered with RISD to give students exposure to boating culture. There, the sea-legged students haul small vessels out from their weatherworn docks onto the waters of upper Narragansett Bay.
The boaters will typically spend a whole day out on the water on Hunter 216s and Sunfish. And on most days, the time spent careening along the Rhode Island shoreline is smooth sailing. "To have the opportunity to see the city from a new perspective is great," Saxton adds.
However, the outings aren't without thrills, as in the afternoon sailors decided to take their boats out for a short cruise - when strong winds suddenly descended on the tiny fleet, causing the sails to luff violently. While trying to regain control of the boats, they narrowly avoided a head-on collision. "It's always exciting," Saxon recalls with a grin.
Needless to say, the Seamen now vigilantly check weather reports before heading out onto the water. Saxon says it's a small price to pay for a fun extracurricular activity. "It's great to have the opportunity to relax on the water after a long day in studio," he says. "It's a beautiful thing."

subset: commoncrawl


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Back on March 30, I wrote about a Stepping Stone Certification that seems to be missing between the MCM and MCITP. I had planned on keeping regular updates about the topic on my blog and have been slacking a bit. It is certainly time to post an update.
Since that post, the forum chatter has slowed a bit, but it has also been more focused. Yes, we recently ran into a lull – but that is not an indication of the direction we hope to push with this effort. We had been tossing the name MCJ around – that has changed. Jack Corbett has posted a blog on the same topic, you can find his post here. There has also been mention of it by Steve Jones in his blog here.
So what have we been up to? We have been discussing the items listed under "Bridging the Gap" in my first article on the subject.
We have also been working on trying to spread the word and get a better feel for what the community wants and sees fit. Several of us have taken the topic to our Users' Groups and presented the idea. There has been good feedback from those groups and many are on par with what we have discussed so far. The biggest consensus is that the MCITP means little to nothing to a lot of SQL Server Professionals, and the MCM is too restrictive for many to even attempt. Along these same lines, a SURVEY has been setup with a few questions to get a general feel for how the community thinks the certification should be handled. We really want this survey to reach as many people as possible. The more input, the more valid the findings would be. Please take the survey – and pass it along to anybody else who you know.
We have also come to a decision that we need more help from the community in getting this thing rolling. This is a volunteer type effort and would be a pretty big commitment. It could mean quite a bit of change for the community as well. More information on that will be forthcoming.
We also think there is a need to find a good name for the certification. We do not believe at this juncture that the MCJ would be an appropriate name. It should be something to designate that the certification is specific to SQL Server, but that it is not endorsed / sponsored by Microsoft (Microsoft would likely not be implementing this very soon).
Time In Service
A general consensus on this topic was reached with the following criteria. The candidate would sign a statement attesting to this.
The candidate attests to a minimum of 18 months hands-on experience in SQL Server. Willfully misrepresenting (lying) about this is subject to a permanent revocation of this certification.
This does NOT mean an equivalent of 18 months of 8 hr days with hands-on experience; this means 18 months of any hands-on experience. This can be as a developer, DBA, or in BI (SSAS/SSIS/SSRS).
Review Board
The review board should be a panel of 3-5 people (with a preference for an odd number). The review board may consist of people from local chapters, at least one member of the review board must be a disinterested party (not from the local chapter). These reviews may be done in person, via phone conference, and may or may not include an interview of the candidate. Anybody on the review board will be required to sign an NDA as well as some confidentiality agreements. This would be a volunteer type position. Those we have discussed as being qualified to be on the board would be 1. MVPs, 2. Individuals already holding the certification, 3. Recognized industry Gurus on the topic. These review boards may also be potentially performed at User Conferences.
The review board will need to review all materials pertinent to the candidate being certified. This includes reviewing the Time in Service, Labs, presentation reviews / scores, interview, and exam scores.
There are three facets to renewal. The first facet is a need for continuing education credits. The idea here is that the candidate will continue to contribute in the community, provide evidence of the contributions or retake exams to maintain certification. The second facet is that the candidate will have a review after a period of time (not yet determined as to the interval of the renewal requirement) by the review board. The third facet is closely tied to the first two facets – a review is required for any elective exams taken after the initial certification. These exams may be counted as continuing education credits.
Focus Areas for Exams
There is a need to test candidates in specific areas of SQL Server. However, a candidate need not take all of these exams. There should be a set of core exams and then some electives. The electives allow you to add an emphasis to your certification much the same as many Bachelors Degree programs (i.e. MCJ with an Emphasis in DR/HA).
- Basic ANSI SQL
- T-SQL Enhancements (from 2005/2008)
- High performing T-SQL – Covering improvements that avoid RBAR type solutions and write code that performs extremely well.
- Clustering
- Mirroring
- Log-Shipping
- Backup / Restore
- Replication
- Backup / Restore
- Indexing
- Performance Tuning
- Execution Plans
- Corruption
- Notification Services
- Troubleshooting?
- SSAS Administration
- SSAS Development
SSBS – SQL Server Service Broker
- Not sure where to place this one. I can see it fitting in a few spots.
- PowerShell
It has also been noted that we need to develop a curriculum with specific study materials and resources.
There are more areas to add. We need more input on what needs to be added. These are the groupings and notes I have to date. I am sure I have missed something – however, this is a good amount of information. So far, we have had some really good discussions. We have many more good discussions to come. I hope that this process takes on a high adoption rate and is accepted by the community.


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Last Updated: 2020-01-17
Employer: Eastern States Construction Service, Inc.Location: Wilmington, DE
The Heavy Equipment Operator demonstrates advanced level skill operating one piece of equipment or intermediate level skill operating various pieces of equipment. Responsible for operating heavy equipment in a safe and effective manner to perform moderately complex work activities necessary for heavy construction projects. Responsible for cleaning, maintaining, and securing…
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Employer: Commercial Insurance AssociatesLocation: Newark, DE
We are an independent commercial insurance agency currently seeking entry-level Account Managers to support our expanding client base. With six locations across the Greater Philadelphia Region & Southwest Florida, we are looking to add creative and organized professionals to our team.
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GENERAL STATEMENT OF DUTIES: Inspects stormwater management ponds and best management practices ("BMP's") for compliance with NCC and State regulations. Inspects construction and maintenance work being performed on privately funded projects or projects for New Castle County to assure compliance with all New Castle County Codes…
- Registered Apprenticeship


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Name: Sharon Marie Copp, 34
Body found: Parts found at Pueblo reservoir, others in a Pueblo alley
Agency: Pueblo Police Department
Date killed: Aug. 16, 1976
Cause of death: Skull fractures
Suspect: Ex-husband Donald Copp, who is now deceased
A fisherman made a grisly discovery on Aug. 16, 1976, in the Pueblo Reservoir, 13 miles west of Pueblo.
Inside a plastic bag were a woman's arms, legs and breasts.
Hours later, a woman's head, torso and other body parts were discovered in another plastic bag 20 miles away on Pueblo's east side.
Pueblo sheriff's deputies and Pueblo police worked on the case together because the bags were left in the city and county. They quickly identified the body as that of Sharon Marie Copp, 34, a mother of three girls who was estranged from her third husband, Donald Copp.
Sharon Copp had been beaten, sexually assaulted and tortured. She died of multiple skull fractures; her body was dismembered after her death.
Sharon Marie Copp, courtesy Families of Victims of Homicide and Missing Persons


text:
fi'zi:k is the phonetic spelling of the word physique, referring to the form or state of the human body. Often associated with general fitness and athletics. The word is also used in many contexts to illustrate physical strength and health. fi'zi:k means passion, design, technology, research, and innovation, and is made in Italy.
Subtotal: ( Items in basket.)


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A system to automate traffic fines designed
Researchers at Universidad Carlos III in Madrid have designed a system that automates the administrative sanctioning process by applying communication and information technologies to traffic flow and using sensors built into vehicles.
The goal of the scientists in the Information and Communications Technology Security Group (Seguridad de las Tecnologías de la Información y las Comunicaciones - SeTI) at UC3M who are working on the E-SAVE project is to use information technologies (ITs) to improve the enforcement of certain traffic regulations. Specifically, they propose a set of systems for the automated, immediate and telematic supervision and management of the administrative sanctioning process. The purpose is to reduce highway accidents, given that one of the critical factors in doing so consists in improving the enforcement of traffic regulations.
The basis on which the researchers have designed their proposal lies within the area known as "Intelligent Transport Systems". These include the recent advances in the area of processing and transmitting information, as well as in the perception capabilities of motor vehicles, which come equipped with an ever-increasing number of sensors. Along these lines, they have developed various protocols and mechanisms where information security and the protection of privacy are critical, indispensable elements. This research has been published in Intelligent Transport Systems.
First, they have designed a mechanism that allows victims to report offenders, while guaranteeing the authenticity, confidentiality and integrity of the information. Second, they have proposed a mechanism for sending the notification of a fine directly to the offending vehicle, with the intention of increasing the immediacy of the process (because the sanction can be presented to the offender while s/he is still driving), thus increasing its educational effectiveness. In the third place, in order to insure the driver's right to adequate means of defending her/himself when faced with supposedly unfair sanctions, a protocol for creating evidence that describes recent driving behavior has been proposed. In this way, the driver would increase her/his ability to defend her/himself if s/he receives a fine s/he does not agree with. "The supposed offender would have a mechanism to create electronic evidence of her/his driving behavior. How? Basically, by asking the surrounding vehicles to act as electronic witnesses," explains José María de Fuentes, of UC3M's Computer Science Department.
Experimental evaluation
In the coming months, the researchers plan to begin the experimental evaluation of the proposed mechanisms, for which they will use communication devices that are specifically designed for communication between vehicles and infrastructure. Thanks to this capability, they plan to test a secure means of providing information to the driver. To do this, they are proposing a mechanism that would avoid the distribution of false information regarding traffic events and incidents via the vehicular communication network.
The SeTI group at UC3M is also working on improving the automatic verification of the vehicle and driver's documentation as part of the project known as PRECIOUS. "It is important that verification does not allow us to be traced, that is to say, that we cannot be followed; therefore our approach is based on the use of cryptographic techniques of anonymous authentification, zero knowledge tests, etc.," says the researcher. To do this, they have proposed a model of credentials that are electronically implemented, eliminating the redundancy and duplication of information that exist with current systems. In this way, it will be possible to authenticate credentials in a much more efficient manner.


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2019 Honda CR-V EX
New 2019 Honda CR-V EX AWD
*Please contact dealer to verify price, options, and other vehicle details.
0 Views
- Stock #: 191426
- Ext. Color: Platinum White Pearl
- Transmission: Continuously Variable
- (253) 833-7900
MPG Disclaimer: *Based on 2019 EPA mileage and driving range ratings. Use for comparison purposes only. Your MPGe/MPG and driving range will vary depending on driving conditions, how you drive and maintain your vehicle, battery age/condition, and other factors.
Description Thank you for your interest in this vehicle. Contact our sales department today to receive more information.
Interior Features
- Engine Immobilizer
- Front Map Lights
- Trip Computer
- Perimeter Alarm
- Locking Glove Box
- Outside Temp Gauge
- Cloth seat trim
- Compass
- Fade-To-Off Interior Lighting
- Rear Cupholder
- Full Cloth Headliner
- Driver Foot Rest
- Manual Tilt/Telescoping Steering Column
- Power 1st Row Windows w/Driver And Passenger 1-Touch Up/Down
- Air Filtration
- Power Door Locks w/Autolock Feature
- Front Cupholder
- Full Carpet Floor Covering -inc: Carpet Front And Rear Floor Mats
- Driver And Passenger Visor Vanity Mirrors w/Driver And Passenger Illumination
- Delayed Accessory Power
- Gauges -inc: Speedometer, Odometer, Engine Coolant Temp, Tachometer, Trip Odometer and Trip Computer
- Systems Monitor
- Cargo Space Lights
- Valet Function
- Cruise Control w/Steering Wheel Controls
- Audio Theft Deterrent
- Carpet Floor Trim
- Dual Zone Front Automatic Air Conditioning
- 2 LCD Monitors In The Front
- Remote Releases -Inc: Mechanical Fuel
- Roll-Up Cargo Cover
- Remote Keyless Entry w/Integrated Key Transmitter, Illuminated Entry, Illuminated Ignition Switch and Panic Button
- Power Rear Windows and Fixed 3rd Row Windows
- Integrated Roof Antenna
- Manual Adjustable Front Head Restraints and Manual Adjustable Rear Head Restraints
- Day-Night Rearview Mirror
- Urethane Gear Shift Knob
- Cloth Door Trim Insert
- HVAC -inc: Underseat Ducts and Console Ducts
- Cargo Area Concealed Storage
- 1 Seatback Storage Pocket
- Radio w/Seek-Scan, Clock and Steering Wheel Controls
- Sliding Front Center Armrest and Rear Center Armrest
- 4-Way Passenger Seat -inc: Manual Recline and Fore/Aft Movement
- Seats w/Cloth Back Material
- 60-40 Folding Split-Bench Front Facing Manual Reclining Fold Forward Seatback Rear Seat
- Driver / Passenger And Rear Door Bins
- Proximity Key For Doors And Push Button Start
- Distance Pacing w/Traffic Stop-Go
- Digital Display
- Full Floor Console w/Covered Storage, Mini Overhead Console w/Storage and Conversation Mirror
- FOB Controls -inc: Remote Engine Start
- Heated Front Bucket Seats -inc: driver's seat w/12-way power adjustment, including 4-way power lumbar support
- Radio: AM/FM Audio System w/6 Speakers -inc: 180-Watts, 7" display w/high-resolution WVGA (800x480) electrostatic touch-screen, customizable feature settings, Bluetooth streaming audio and HandsFreeLink, Pandora compatibility, Radio Data System (RDS), Speed-Sensitive Volume Control (SVC), USB audio interface w/1.0-amp port in center console, USB smartphone/audio interface w/1.5-amp port in center console, 12-volt power outlets (front and center console), HondaLink, Apple CarPlay/Android Auto, SiriusXM, SMS text message function and 2.5-Amp charging ports in 2nd-row
- Interior Trim -inc: Simulated Wood Instrument Panel Insert, Simulated Wood Door Panel Insert, Metal-Look Console Insert and Chrome/Metal-Look Interior Accents
- Driver Seat
Exterior Features
- Body-Colored Door Handles
- LED Brakelights
- Chrome Grille
- Front Fog Lamps
- Clearcoat Paint
- Express Open/Close Sliding And Tilting Glass 1st Row Sunroof w/Sunshade
- Steel Spare Wheel
- Lip Spoiler
- Deep Tinted Glass
- Speed Sensitive Variable Intermittent Wipers
- Liftgate Rear Cargo Access
- Fixed Rear Window w/Fixed Interval Wiper, Heated Wiper Park and Defroster
- Chrome Side Windows Trim and Black Front Windshield Trim
- Compact Spare Tire Mounted Inside Under Cargo
- Black Bodyside Cladding and Black Wheel Well Trim
- Fully Galvanized Steel Panels
- Wheels: 18" Alloy
- Body-Colored Power Heated Side Mirrors w/Convex Spotter, Manual Folding and Turn Signal Indicator
- Tailgate/Rear Door Lock Included w/Power Door Locks
- Body-Colored Front Bumper w/Black Rub Strip/Fascia Accent and Metal-Look Bumper Insert
- Tires: P235/60R18 103H All-Season
- Black Rear Bumper w/Metal-Look Rub Strip/Fascia Accent
- Fully Automatic Projector Beam Halogen Daytime Running Auto High-Beam Headlamps w/Delay-Off
Mechanical Features
- Gas-Pressurized Shock Absorbers
- Strut Front Suspension w/Coil Springs
- Multi-Link Rear Suspension w/Coil Springs
- Automatic Full-Time All-Wheel Drive
- Front And Rear Anti-Roll Bars
- Electric Power-Assist Speed-Sensing Steering
- Permanent Locking Hubs
- 36-Amp/Hr 410CCA Maintenance-Free Battery
- Transmission: Continuously Variable w/Sport Mode
- Quasi-Dual Stainless Steel Exhaust
- 4-Wheel Disc Brakes w/4-Wheel ABS, Front Vented Discs, Brake Assist, Hill Hold Control and Electric Parking Brake
- 14 Gal. Fuel Tank
- 5.64 Axle Ratio
- GVWR: 4,695 lbs
- Engine: 1.5L I-4 16-Valve DOHC w/Turbocharger
Safety Features
- Rear Child Safety Locks
- Electronic Stability Control (ESC)
- Airbag Occupancy Sensor
- Outboard Front Lap And Shoulder Safety Belts -inc: Rear Center 3 Point, Height Adjusters and Pretensioners
- ABS And Driveline Traction Control
- Dual Stage Driver And Passenger Seat-Mounted Side Airbags
- Side Impact Beams
- Low Tire Pressure Warning
- Dual Stage Driver And Passenger Front Airbags
- Curtain 1st And 2nd Row Airbags
- Back-Up Camera
- Blind Spot Information (BSI) System Blind Spot Sensor
- Lane Keeping Assist System (LKAS) Lane Departure Warning
- Lane Keeping Assist System (LKAS) Lane Keeping Assist
- Collision Mitigation Braking System (CMBS) + FCW and Rear Cross Traffic Alert
Prices shown do not include applicable tax, license, title, registration, options, and negotiable $150.00 documentation fee. While every reasonable effort is made to ensure the accuracy of this information, we are not responsible for any errors or omissions contained on these pages. Please verify any information in question with Hinshaw's Honda. It is the responsibility of the customer to verify the accuracy of the price and the accuracy of the equipment and options. The dealership is not responsible for misprints on prices of equipment and options listed. Price is subject to change without notice. All financing is subject to credit approval. Dealership makes no representations, expressed or implied, to any actual or prospective purchaser or owner of this vehicle as to the existence, ownership, accuracy, description or condition of this vehicle's listed equipment, accessories, or any warranties. Any and all differences must be addressed prior to the sale of this vehicle.


text:
Note: passwords are case-sensitive
Best suited for mid-to large-sized boardrooms, breakout rooms, churches and classrooms, the Christie® DWU670-E (part of the Christie E Series projector line) provides exceptional brightness and image quality. This model offers native WUXGA resolution and adds a widescreen option to our 1-chip DLP® projector lineup. A compact chassis, along with reliable, long-life performance and Christie's industry-leading warranties, service and support ensure a low cost of ownership.
This dual lamp projector operates in single- or dual-lamp modes, and can produce higher lumen levels in a single lamp than other dual lamp projectors. The dust-sealed, filter-free design prevents dust and dirt from affecting the system – ensuring that image quality is maintained and maintenance costs are low. A full suite of optional lenses provides you with more options to meet your application needs.
Ideal for single screen applications, it has PiP/PbP capabilities making it easy to show multiple windows with different content and/or include video conferencing in your presentations. As well, the Christie DWU670-E ships standard with a high brightness, six segment color wheel (RGBCYW), but offers an optional rich color wheel (RGBCYM) for applications where optimal color accuracy is required.
Power, performance, quality, the Christie DWU670-E provides extra value at no extra cost.
1 In dynamic contrast mode.2 Christie 1-chip DLP projectors can be used in 24/7 or extended use applications. Regular maintenance and a 24/7 maintenance kit are recommended to maximize the lifetime of your projector.
(1) In dynamic contrast mode(2) Limited offset(3) Christie 1-chip DLP projectors can be used in 24/7 or extended use applications. Regular maintenance and a 24/7 maintenance kit are recommended to maintain your product warranty. (4) In this mode, network functions and serial command functions not operable unless projector is turned on.
Due to constant research, specifications and features are subject to change without notice.
This is the PDF product brochure that outlines key features, specifications and uses for the Christie DHD670-E and Christie DWU670-E.
Download now


text:
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Home Inspectors in Denver, CO
(35 within 25 miles of zip code 80214)
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Rick Muller
60 Ratings
Colorado Peace of Mind Professional Home Inspection Services
Broomfield, CO
See Company Profile
David Murphy
1 Ratings
Peace of Mind Home Inspection
Highlands Ranch, CO
See Company Profile
Brent Petty
4 Ratings
Healthy Home Inspection Service
Denver, CO
See Company Profile
Jason Sanchez
4 Ratings
True Vision Home Inspections
Northglenn, CO
See Company Profile
Gregory Sinon
Aurora, CO
See Company Profile
Mike Skeen
56 Ratings
DayStar Inspections
Golden, CO
Follow @NoMoneyPit
ASHI Member, BPI Building Analyst, Kaplan ITA Trained, CERTI NRPP Radon, Independent Home Inspectors of North America
Do you want an inspector who "helps" the real estate agent earn a commission or do you want an inspector who is going to fully disclose the condition of the house? We avoid inherent conflicts of interest and work solely for you.
See Company Profile
Derrick Sova
7 Ratings
Columbine Property Inspections LLC
Centennial, CO
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Mike Tate
12 Ratings
Ark Inspections
Parker, CO
See Company Profile
Bob Terrell & Daneen Rucki
14 Ratings
Inspections House to Home, Inc.
Denver, CO
Licensed general contractor with over 30 years experience in engineering, construction, and commercial maintenance.
House to Home's team concept ensures that you have two sets of eyes trained on your property. You get the unique benefit of the experience and expertise of two qualified inspectors which results in a more complete inspection in less time.
See Company Profile
Shawn Veith
65 Ratings
Home Inspection Of Denver
Castle Pines, CO
Certified Master Inspector�® (CMI)
See Company Profile
Anthony Verbsky
3 Ratings
A+ Home Inspection LLC
Centennial, CO
InterNachi CPI Associate NAHI Certificate 30 Years Construction Experience Applied Mathematician and Analyst
Some people golf , I inspect houses. IT TAKES A TEAM TO BUY A HOME! I would like to have the opportunity to be on your team and help you unlock the "mysteries" of the systems and components of your new home.
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Brent Warner
1 Ratings
Every Square Inch Property Inspection
Lafayette, CO
Follow @twitter.com/esi_Inspection
I have been a home inspector for 10 years and am a Certified Master Inspector with over 3000 inspections.
ESI Property Inspection is a residential Certified Master Home Inspector serving the greater Denver & Boulder areas. We are experts of property inspection, radon testing, thermal Imaging, 360 imaging and drone photography.
See Company Profile
Matthew Willford
1 Ratings
Structurepro, LLC.
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Don Woodring
165 Ratings
Home Insite Property Inspections, Inc
Highlands Ranch, CO
ASHI Certified Inspector #244198. Thousands of home inspections performed. Over 99.7% client Satisfaction Rating.
>President of Rocky Mtn Chapter of ASHI from 2011-2012. >Instructor at The ASHI School, Denver. >Former Consultant for Colorado Div. of Wildlife Engineering. >Over 20 years experience as Contractor & Maintenance Supervisor.
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Tom Beard
13 Ratings
Yellow Cabin Home Inspections LLC
Westminster, CO
See Company Profile
Dean Bowring
Benchmark Property Inspection
Littleton, CO
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John Braddock
Distinctive Property Inspections
Castlerock, CO
See Company Profile
Jim Bucholtz
48 Ratings
Bucholtz Inspection Engineer and Services
Arvada, CO
Member of International Association of Certified Home Inspectors, Registered Colorado Porfessional Engineer
I have performed over 3500 home inspections. A retired Engineer and Project Manager with the National Park Service. I use all of my experience to give you the information needed to help make one of the most important decisions in your life.
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Dan Chandler
4 Ratings
Due Diligence Home Inspections
Aurora, CO
InterNACHI Certified in Thermography, Radon, Structural, Electrical, Plumbing, HVAC, Stucco, Moisture Intrusion,Roofing
40 years of construction industry experience plus 10 years as an insurance property adjuster uniquely qualifies our inspector to provide you a comprehensive and thorough inspection of your property. Let us do Our Due Diligence for You!
See Company Profile
Hans Coleman
87 Ratings
A Happy House Home Inspection, LLC
Aurora, CO
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Volume 47. Christchurch, Spitalfields 1819-1842. Baptism Registers. 9,554 entries.
These are transcribed entries, not scanned images. You can generally expect to find:
Entry No, Birth Date, Baptism Date, Firstnames, Father, Mother, Surname, Address, Occupation of the Father, Source Ref and any notes in the margin.
Easily searchable CD-ROM in Adobe Acrobat format(supplied).Transcribed by Jim Sheppard.
Published by Docklands Ancestors Ltd.


text:
Bernie C. needed a new logo design and created a contest on 99designs.
A winner was selected from 41 designs submitted by 8 freelance designers.
Desert Horizons Communities
http://www.dhcommunities.com. DHC is a vendor for the state of Arizona. We work with the developmentally disabled community. Right now we are using desert style pictures on our website and brochures. We would like to stay in that theme for a logo, hence "desert horizons." Our company colors are maroon and gold. Please look at our website and/or attached brochure for examples of what we are using.
Our audience is professional as we are a private state contractor. Many families, guardians, and government workers will be viewing our new logo.
We are looking for a logo and a simplified "t-shirt" version. Should be in some type of illustrator format.
Find out how a design contest works or learn more about our logo design services.


text:
The Renaissance of Spirits – Tequila
What's this? A show about…tequila? Well, tequila may have more in common with wine growing and wine making than you might imagine. The rules for where and how it can be grown rival many French AOCs. Blue agave plants are planted and hand harvested with some of the same rigor that goes into planting and harvesting grapes. Once harvested, the pulp is then fermented. Of course, this is before it gets distilled…twice.
Familiar to most Americans as the primary alcohol ingredient in Margarita cocktails, tequila is gaining traction world-wide for its different styles, its versatility in other cocktails besides Margaritas, as well as its ability to pair well with many foods.
Join us as we talk with Jim Riley, CEO of Intersect Beverage and Azuñia Tequila, about how and where tequila is made, the stringent rules for producers, tequila's uses in cocktails, and its versatility with food. May the spirits be with you!
For more info:
Azuñia Tequila: www.azuniatequila.com
Sponsor: Pinpoint Technologies – Your Business List Source: www.pinpoint-tech.com
Click Below to Play the Show:
Podcast: Play in new window | Download


text:
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