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Castration consists of removal of a male's testicles. It is the most popular birth control method, although it has many other functions. Contrary to popular belief, castration does not reduce libido. Being an eunuch (i.e. a castrated male) is a wish that many men have, and one that many wives are eager to grant.
The act of castration is regarded as a very pleasant sexual fantasy. Most men who get castrated do it themselves; the price of being castrated by a qualified doctor can cause post-operational depression.
Castration effects[edit]
Although castration is mainly a birth control method, it has many other effects:
- The castration surgery will always give you a lot of pleasure (I'll have two of those please). The sensation that a man feels when his testicles are removed is something every man has once dreamt about (of course it is still a mystery of how we can dream of something we know nothing about).
- Castration will make you happier. Don't ask me why, but it is true (if you are transgender...)
- Castration will make you stronger, more virile and more attractive. When finally you get a woman you want, you won't know what the fuck to do with her.
- Castration will always change your voice. The pitch of the new voice will depend on the way that the surgery is performed. Sometimes people seek castration to change their voice and create a new identity of themselves or just to do espionage (famous example is James Bond, he wanted his balls shaken, but not stirred).
Chances of becoming a sexual superhero[edit]
Due to the existence of God, there is always a little chance of becoming a sexual superhero when you get castrated (famous example of castrated superheroes are of course the smurfs). If this occurs, the castrated male will ejaculate seconds after finishing the surgery (thank God for that, though it was only pain and no pleasure). This is only the signal of the sexual superhero and that liquid is not fertile. A sexual superhero will change its body into a much more handsome one (famous example is off course Marylin Manson). It is not needed to say that women will always prefer having sex with a man who is a sexual superhero to a man who isn't (famous example once again is the pimpass smurf). Being a gay lesbian limp dick flying saucer is a very sexual pleasure in which my penis will grow another few inches and fly around the room until it lands in your mothers mouth.
Do-it-yourself instructions[edit]
Here I will tell you how to castrate yourself. It is the most recommended way to be castrated as it is cheaper and funnier.
- If you don't want to feel the pleasure, steal some local anesthesia from your local hospital.
- Take the most powerful knife of your kitchen. If you did the previous step, inject yourself the local anesthesia near the genitalia (note that this will make you not to feel the pleasure!). Then make a cut with the knife on your scrotum.
- Disconnect the testes from your body and remove them.
- Close the wound with scotch tape or a water soluble adhesive.
- Dip your scrotum in iodine or boiling water to prevent infection.
- Put you removed balls in a jar or alternatively turn them into anti stress balls full of Feng Shui.
- Start singing lessons.
- Let a woman pay or go Dutch on a date.
Alternatively, you can find a bottle of hydrochloric acid in your neighbor's house and pour it all over your pelvis.
If you're feeling adventurous, go to the nearest zoo and hop into the lion exhibit. Offer one of the females (the ones with the sharp teeth) your testicles. If they seem too tame or uninterested, make a small incision on your scrotum (feels great). If the lion still doesn't want to eat them, slap him right in the face. That oughta do the trick. If not, go back home and smash them with a rubber mallet (feels euphoric beyond all descriptive powers) one at a time. Don't cry to us at Uncyclopedia if the lion eats your whole body.You allow the females to castrate you because females are far superior and enjoy castrating men.
As you see it is very easy. It is said that is also possible to be castrated taking a potion, but it is the most expensive way, as there is only 3 litres of this potion all over the planet. A method known as chemical castration is also possible, in which one soaks his genitalia in acid for several minutes. Unfortunately, the effects of chemical castration are only temporary, and it is rarely used outside of legal punishment for sex offenders.
The Story of Timmy[edit]
A long time ago in a kingdom far away, a king wanted to listen to a singer so he called in his royal court.
"I want to hear some really beautifully high pitched womanly singing. Anyone know where I might hear some?"
"Well, we've got this girl here. She sings like an angel."
"No that won't do. I want to hear someone that sounds just like her, but their body has to have been mutilated beyond repair. I can't enjoy myself unless I can hear someone's pain in the way the sing."
"Very well! Come here, dear Timmy. This person wishes to cut your balls off so that you can sing beautifully."
"What's wrong with my voice as it is and as it will be when I get older?"
"Oh nothing, it's just not like her voice. You have to sound like her."
"But why? She sounds like her. Just listen to her if you want to hear her."
"Nope. Sorry."
Now if Timmy had been Jackie Chan, he'd have kicked the two other people unconscious and escaped by climbing the nearest building, then jumping off of it to the next nearest building, and so on in that fashion.
Timmy wasn't Jackie Chan.
Later that night, The King had meatballs for dinner.
They were yummy.

subset: commoncrawl


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Dominique Huerta, a young activist born and raised in El Paso, Texas, discusses her upbringing, inspiration and passion for advocacy.
A Woman's Right: The Story It Tells – Victoria of Alamo, Texas speaks frankly about her experiences post-2016 election, her feelings regarding gender roles, and women's rights. Victoria talks about how her Mother and Aunts are all business owners in...
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The infamous Jean Doumanian-produced 1980-81 season of Saturday Night Live occupies a crucial place in the show's mythology as the worst of the worst, a 13-episode trainwreck that nearly destroyed a comic institution in its relative infancy. The season has such a dreadful reputation that even in a YouTube age where seemingly everything is available, I never expected to be able to watch the season legally. I imagined that NBC would hide its shame by burying the show so deep that not even the most dogged comedy geeks would be able to find it. So I was surprised and a little delighted to discover that while full-season DVD sets of Saturday Night Live conveniently end with the 1979-1980 fifth season, the notorious sixth season is available in strangely edited 40- to 45-minute versions on Netflix Instant and Hulu. These are not the full episodes—the musical performances are entirely absent, as are selected sketches and even some of the monologues—but they do provide a good sense of what the season was like.
I approached this fabled lost season with equal parts anticipation and trepidation. Could it possibly be as terrible as its reputation suggests? Could anything? In that respect, the Doumanian episodes have an unexpected advantage: It would be difficult for them to live down to their reputation as a shameful affront to the gods of comedy, just as it's difficult for the early, Lorne Michaels-produced seasons of Saturday Night Live to live up to their reputation for satire, subversion, fearlessness, and innovation.
The finely wrought mythology of Saturday Night Live needs the Doumanian season to be not just substandard or disappointing, but egregiously awful, a complete abomination. Season six needs to be a betrayal of everything the show stands for, perpetrated by comedy Iagos in blatant defiance of God's will. In a People magazine article about Charles Rocket's rocky ride to notoriety, Michaels, the paterfamilias of the SNL universe, captures this desperate need when he saysof the ill-fated 1980-81 season, "My feeling is that Saturday Night came to mean something and the new version apparently doesn't mean anything."
Think about that. Saturday Night Live came to mean something. Michaels was acknowledging that the show took on an importance and symbolism far beyond its actual creative or comedic value. It wasn't just an often funny, sometimes subversive, almost always inconsistent comedy show for college kids to watch while high. It had to mean something more than that. It had to symbolize youth, vitality, satire, and subversion. It had to represent the television flowering of the sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll counterculture of the '60s. It had to mean rebellion and non-conformity and sticking it to the man. It had to mean something, man, or it was just another empty vessel for selling laundry detergent and soft drinks.
The original incarnation of Saturday Night Live simply would not have meant as much if critics and audiences alike embraced the new show with the passion and fervor it did the old, if viewers took one look at new hires like Denny Dillon or Gail Matthius and decided they were more-than-acceptable substitutes for Gilda Radner or Jane Curtin. The Doumanian era—which began after NBC slashed the show's budget by two-thirds following Michaels' departure at the end of the fifth season, losing pretty much the entire cast and writing staff in the process—had to be absolutely terrible so the series' first years could shine even brighter by comparison. The Doumanian season had to mean nothing, absolutely nothing, so the original seasons could mean something profound and important in contrast.
Don't get me wrong. The Doumanian season is bad, but its badness is of a piece with the rest of the show's wildly uneven 37-year run. You do not need to seek out the Doumanian season to finally see what unfunny sketches, dead air, mindless monologue patter, or grating recurring characters look like: Those qualities have been abundant on the show for more than three and a half decades. I have a sneaking suspicion they will be abundant on the show for at least three and a half decades to come.
That's because the faults and strengths of Saturday Night Live are essentially written into the system. No matter how talented the cast and crew might be—and the original cast really was an unusually gifted assemblage of comic geniuses blessed with unique, remarkable chemistry—90 minutes will always be a vast amount of time to fill with topical, live sketch comedy. There will invariably be sketches that don't work, hosts with no comic chops, and gags delivered to deafening silence. No matter the season, Saturday Night Live will always have highs and lows. The big difference is that in 1980-81, the lows were lower and more public than ever before, and the highs were pretty much nonexistent.
The season's miscalculation began with Doumanian's doomed attempt to establish Charles Rocket as the show's breakout star and new leading man. Doumanian nakedly tried to posit Rocket as the Chevy Chase of the new cast. Both men were tall and handsome, with matinee-idol good looks and a distinctly patrician air. They were both talented musicians. Rocket played accordion on a B-52s album produced by David Byrne, while Chase, early in his career, played in bands with members of Steely Dan. They both slid easily into the "Weekend Update" anchor chair and impersonated the sitting president, though Chase played Gerald Ford so indelibly, his version of the president has largely usurped the actual chief executive in the public imagination, while Rocket could never quite get a handle on Ronald Reagan, even though he was one of the easiest and most popular impersonations this side of Jack Nicholson.
Saturday Night Live foolishly encouraged unflattering comparisons between Chase and Rocket in the first sketch of its sixth season. The season opens with host Elliott Gould—who hosted during the show's already legendary golden years—in bed with new cast member Gail Matthius. Matthius protests that they better get ready for that night's show. Then the camera pulls back to reveal that Rocket is also in bed with them, a tardy homage to Gould's hit 1969 comedy Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice. Where Gould pegs Matthius as a cross between "Gilda and Jane" (last names were not necessarily), Rocket introduces himself as "kind of a cross between Chevy Chase and Bill Murray." In a move equal parts bold and misguided, much of the cast is introduced as combinations of previous, better-known cast members. The lovely Ann Risley, for example, introduces herself as a cross between "Gilda" and "Laraine" while Gilbert Gottfried introduces himself as a cross between "Belushi and that guy from last year… He did the Rod Serling, nobody could remember his name?", a mean but not necessarily untrue reference to Harry Shearer.
Of course, Gottfried was not, and is not, a cross between John Belushi and Harry Shearer. That description is both reductive and patently untrue, and the notion seems more than a little ridiculous now. Gottfried wasn't a pale imitation of previous greats; he was Gilbert Gottfried, a loud, grating, nasal, proudly abrasive, and often very funny stand-up comic with a huge personality. But on Saturday Night Live, he was never really afforded an opportunity to be the Gottfried we've all come to know and either love, hate, or grudgingly tolerate.
That first sketch gave critics and audiences all the excuse they needed to write off the new Saturday Night Live—redubbed Saturday Night Live 80 at first—and its fresh-faced, overmatched cast as nothing more than pale imitations of their predecessors. It was a joke, of the winking, self-referential variety the show has always specialized in, but there was a disconcerting element of truth to it as well, a tacit acknowledgment of the cynical calculation behind the show's new cast. It all but broadcast that Doumanian's only real vision for the show entailed trying to replicate the previous cast at a fraction of the price. That mission was doomed to fail, and did.
Tellingly, the first sketch to feature the new cast was all about the old cast. In the cold open, the new cast members are wide-eyed children looking to Gould as an invaluable connection to the magic and mystery of the original cast. His voice full of innocent wonder, new cast member Joe Piscopo, one of only two new hires to survive the season of the damned, asks Gould if it's true that the original cast really used drugs. Gould assures him that they certainly did use drugs, and not just the cast: The crew, the cameramen, everyone was on drugs, and John Belushi was the worst of the lot, a bully who used to wander the halls of 30 Rock with a giant bag of cocaine. And, with partner Dan Aykroyd, he literally forced it into the noses of unsuspecting souls. The sketch is a cheeky spoof of Saturday Night Live's well-deserved reputation for debauchery and reckless hedonism, as well as an acknowledgment that a cast that had only been off the show for a year or two at most (with the exception of Chevy Chase, the first to leave) had already graduated to mythic status in the minds of the cast and the audience.
This opening sketch represents a strange combination of calculation and miscalculation. It seems to be saying, "You want sex? Here's much of the cast in bed with the host, in a seeming post-coital haze. You want drugs? Here's Gould dropping the dime not just on the cast of Saturday Night Live, but also on a TV world where everyone is flying on cocaine or zonked on downers." It's a funny sketch, one of most inspired of the season, but the laughs come at a cost.
Doumanian couldn't hope to top the original cast in terms of talent or chemistry, so she seemed intent on topping the show's previous incarnation in the cheapest, most vulgar way: by upping the shock factor. Later in the episode, Piscopo's Jimmy Carter prepares to leave the White House following his loss to Ronald Reagan, and is consoled by Risley's sultry Rosalynn Carter, who reveals that she deliberately sabotaged the campaign in an attempt to revive their sex life. "These past four years have robbed me of any lustful thoughts," Piscopo's Carter pleads helplessly.
"See, honey, we had to lose! It was either the election or the erection!" Risley replies. That quip is memorable for all the wrong reasons. The 1980-81 season's attempts at satire were often puerile in nature, more schoolyard naughtiness than Strangelovian darkness. A sketch about a religious singing telegram called the "Billy-Gram" (puns are truly the last refuge of scoundrels) finds Rocket cheerfully serenading an unmarried couple living together: "Sin, sin, sin / Is what you're living in / You don't have a ring, but you're having a fling," etc.
Saturday Night Live 80's attempts at edginess tended to land with a dull thud. In a sketch devoted to a group of redneck Commie hunters, Piscopo asks Rocket how to spot a Communist if they aren't demonstrating. Rocket replies, "Hell, Jim Bob, all you've got to do is shoot yourself a Jew or a nigger. Chances are better than even you'll be shooting a Commie anywho." That line is greeted by a good 10 seconds of toxic silence. Silence is deadly to live television comedy, but it's absolutely excruciating when wedded to such an appalling lapse in comic judgment.
Piscopo has long since devolved into a musclebound walking punchline, but he quickly established himself as a valuable asset to Saturday Night Live. He was a whiz at impressions, especially Frank Sinatra and Jimmy Carter, and he instantly developed a recognizable persona as a fast-talking Jersey jock whose signature bit involved him shouting monosyllabically about sports in an amped-up frenzy. Piscopo acted like he belonged, whereas Rocket, for all his good looks and hype, looked like a substitute teacher who was barely tolerating his pupils until the real teacher came back. The end of the season only heightened that impression: After Doumanian and Rocket were fired in humiliating, high-profile ways (the show was even thoughtful enough to give the producer a few swift kicks to the skull while she was down), the real Chevy Chase came back to temporarily replace Rocket in the "Weekend Update" chair and try to convince everyone that Saturday Night Live was not beyond redemption. Chase's signature catchphrase, "I'm Chevy Chase and you're not," applied more pointedly to Rocket than it ever had to anyone else.
Piscopo was not the only Not Ready For Prime Time Player to survive the Doumanian era. One of the darkest moments in the show's history also contained the debut of one of its brightest stars: Eddie Murphy, who was introduced as a 19-year-old featured player with little screen time before steadily establishing himself as the show's breakout star, a sly comic alchemist who could transform the hackiest bits into explosively funny comedy. Saturday Night Live seemed to go from black and white to color, Wizard Of Oz-style, whenever Murphy was onscreen. Even as a teenager, Murphy understood that the key to being cool was not caring; where the rest of the cast worked up a sweat straining for laughs, Murphy was effortlessly funny, with a delivery that only seemed tossed-off.
Doumanian famously did not want Murphy on the show. (She wanted Robert Townsend in the Murphy slot.) She had the misfortune and questionable judgment to see a man with no future (Charles Rocket) as the future of the show, and the future of the show (Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo) as men with no future. But even Doumanian was forced to concede that Murphy's riotous "Weekend Update" appearances were catching on in a way fellow featured players Yvonne Hudson, Patrick Weathers, and Matthew Laurance simply were not, and promoted Murphy from featured player to cast member.
The first "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" sketch was a watershed moment for Murphy and Saturday Night Live. Murphy conclusively announced his arrival as a major talent with a parody of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood in which Murphy plays a small-time street hustler who addresses the camera directly and talks in the soothing, familiar cadences of a children's television host about decidedly kid-unfriendly topics. That intimacy proved crucial to Murphy's ascent: Where his castmates struggled to connect, Murphy seemed to be talking directly to the audience, establishing a natural rapport with an audience desperate for a reason to laugh at a largely laugh-free season.
Reduced to its broad outlines, "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" is nothing more than Mr. Rogers in the hood, but Murphy adds a pleasing specificity and depth to the character. Though the sketch veered uncomfortably close to crude racial caricature, Murphy ensured that viewers were laughing with Mr. Robinson, not at him. Mr. Robinson wasn't just a hustler on the make; he was funny, smart, and sly, radiating confidence bordering on cockiness. He was, in other words, an early incarnation of the quintessential Eddie Murphy character.
On a season powered by flop sweat and desperation, Murphy was calm and collected. In a standout "Weekend Update" appearance, Murphy posits that Abraham Lincoln never actually signed the Emancipation Proclamation, so slavery is still technically legal, but only people who are currently watching Saturday Night Live know that. So to determine whether a black person has seen the show, Murphy suggests approaching him or her and saying, "Hey, you black Alabama porch monkey, come with me. I'm your master." Murphy's deadpan delivery of the line absolutely destroys, giving the show a transgressive kick it often strained for, but almost never achieved.
Mostly, though, Saturday Night Live 80 flailed. In her previous role as associate producer, Doumanian was primarily in charge of booking hosts and musical guests, so it should be safe to assume that those elements would be among the season's strengths. Nope. The season gets off to a strong start with the dependable Elliott Gould and Malcolm McDowell, but after that, it's largely an assortment of B-listers less notable for their comic chops or memorable characters than the illicit substances they appeared to be on.
While watching 13 episodes of Saturday Night Live 80 in a two-day marathon, I often played a game called "What Drug Is The Host On?" I have no way of knowing, of course, but the high-wattage likes of Charlene Tilton, Sally Kellerman, and Ray Sharkey clearly seem to be flying high on some premium-grade Columbian marching powder. The tiny, irrepressible Tilton in particular looks like she's about to start bouncing around the walls of 30 Rock like some sort of sentient Superball. It's less apparent what a zonked, out-of-it David Carradine is on: I would imagine some combination of pot, pills, and don't-give-a-fuck juice.
Dallas star Tilton plays a central role in one of Saturday Night Live's most infamous moments. At the end of her episode, she sits in the lap of Rocket, who is in a wheelchair after being "shot" in a Dallas parody, and asks him how it feels. Rocket infamously replies, "Aw man. It's the first time I've ever been shot in my life. I'd like to know who the fuck did it." The curious thing about Rocket's profanity is that it does not seem at all accidental, an instance of a cast member mistakenly blurting out a curse word in a moment of panic. Rocket seems calm and deliberate. He even punches up the "fuck" for emphasis, to the shock and seeming delight of the cast, especially Tilton.
Rocket had sealed his doom, and Doumanian's as well. The Tilton-hosted 11th episode of the season would be Rocket's second-to-last. Two episodes later, on the season-ending 13th episode, Rocket and Doumanian would simply be traumatic memories the show would spend the next few decades trying to purge.
In a desperate attempt to resurrect some of the old magic and save the show, the season's 12th episode brought back one of the show's most beloved old-timers: Bill Murray. The Bill Murray-hosted episode opens with an unintentionally poignant referendum on the show's progress via a cold open where first Gottfried and then the rest of the cast file uncertainly into Murray's dressing room in desperate need of a pep talk that will allow them to go on in the face of overwhelming public scorn and ridicule. They are seeking benediction from a revered comic elder.
Murray does his best to assuage their fears, albeit in a manner that betrays just how far they'll have to go to attain competency, let alone perform spectacularly enough to escape the ever-present shadow of the original cast's legacy. Murray doles out praise selectively and in a way that highlights and underlines the show's glaring problems. He praises Rocket for his man-on-the-street "Rocket Reports" segments, yet chastises him for imitating him—at least Rocket found one impersonation he could actually pull off—and condescendingly tells Risley and Matthius, "You girls are terrific-looking… I still mix you up, I can't tell you apart, but it's great, you know. It's like, 'Oh, it's that other girl who's very attractive.'" Matthius and Risley were lucky: In the sketch, Murray can't even remember Gilbert Gottfried's name. In the funniest moment in Murray's parade of passive-aggressive quasi-compliments, Murray tells Murphy, "You're black," then awkwardly pauses before adding, "and that's beautiful, man."
Murphy made such a profound impact on the show and pop culture that it's still being felt, but the rest made such little impact that when Murray dutifully praises "Matt and Pat, Yvonne" I had to scramble a little to even remember that he was talking about Laurance, Weathers, and Hudson. The 1980-81 season of Saturday Night Live is filled with tragic figures, from the reviled Doumanian to Rocket, who committed suicide by slashing his own throat in 2005. But perhaps no figure is sadder than Hudson: The Bill Murray episode was Hudson's swan song as a featured performer, but she continued to appear on the show as an uncredited extra until 1984.
The cold open builds to Murray telling the cast that everything they're worried about just doesn't matter. Ratings? They just don't matter. Bad press? It just doesn't matter. The possibility/probability that the show will be cancelled and there will be no movies in their future? It just doesn't matter. By the end of the bit, the entire cast is chanting, "It just doesn't matter" while huddled together in a weird group hug until they've seemingly convinced themselves.
But it did matter. It all mattered. The bad press, the awful reviews, the toxic buzz: It was deadly to many of the cast members. Rocket, Gottfried, Weathers, Risley, and Laurance never appeared on SNL again, though Gottfried's voice did pop up once. Doumanian would never produce another episode.
In a bitter irony, the cast started to gel just before most of them were fired. A sketch where Murray plays a writer whose constantly shifting prose is acted out by the cast behind him features some bravura physical comedy and crack timing from the ensemble, while a two-hander of a sketch that takes place at a Laundromat has some nice character moments between Murray and Denny Dillon. But as with much of the misbegotten season, the Murray episode's queasy, voyeuristic glimpses behind the scenes prove most fascinating. As the closing credits roll, Murray, his voice quivering with emotion, looks directly into the camera, mentions all of the original Saturday Night Live cast members by first name and, with seeming sincerity, says, "I'm sorry for what I've done."
Is it a joke, or does Murray feel shame for having betrayed his old castmates? It's hard to tell. In the cold open, Murray tells the cast that it's not easy starting over with an all-new cast and all-new writers, but that's not entirely true. There was one writer who stayed on after all the other writers departed: Brian Doyle-Murray, a fine character actor who also happened to be Murray's brother. I suspect that's part of the reason Murray returned to host Saturday Night Live. It's a testament to how much the original cast overshadowed the pale pretenders assembled by Doumanian that the most memorable moment of the show, indeed the only moment anyone talked about, consisted of a mumbled apology from one original cast member to all the others.
The Bill Murray episode was the second-to-last episode of the sixth season, but it was the end of a nasty, brutish, and short period. It marked the close of the Doumanian era and the beginning of the Dick Ebersol era. When Saturday Night Live returned to the air a little over a month later, the show looked and felt radically different, though it opened with a soothing reminder of the show's glory years in a cold open featuring the return of Chevy Chase, who is seen reconnecting with Mr. Bill while rummaging through the show's dusty old prop room.
Ebersol, a big believer in the proven and reliable, tried to poach John Candy and Catherine O'Hara from SCTV. He nearly succeeded in snagging O'Hara, but she ultimately chose not to join the cast after a traumatic encounter with famously intimidating, sinister Saturday Night Live writer Michael O'Donoghue. Candy said no to joining Saturday Night Live, so the show instead settled for another, less distinguished, but still solid SCTV veteran in Tony Rosato, who joined the cast along with fellow SCTV exile Robin Duke and the dependable Tim Kazurinsky.
With his first show at the helm, Ebersol wasn't taking any chances. He brought back Chase for the cold open and the longest "Weekend Update" segment in the show's history, and had Piscopo solidify his place on the show by impersonating Frank Sinatra in a funny sequence where Ol' Blue Eyes waxed jingoistic about our nation's economic war with the Japanese, which occupied the slot where a host's opening monologue would be. If that weren't enough, Ebersol upped the star power by throwing cameos from Robin Williams and Christopher Reeve into the mix.
The final episode of Saturday Night Live's sixth season belongs equally to the past, present, and future. It begins with its first breakout star literally rummaging through his past and the show's already fabled glory years, and closes with that star—who ironically might just be the only person in the Saturday Night Live universe as widely despised as Doumanian—promising a brighter future. The episode doesn't just tell audiences to buck up because the mean old lady is gone and responsible adults are back in charge; it provides a revealing glimpse into what the newfangled Ebersol-produced Saturday Night Live entailed. Under Ebersol's tutelage, the show would become a solid laugh, character, catchphrase, and star-making machine, but lose much of the wildness and subversion of the show's early years.
The "Junior Walker & The All Stars" episode, named after its musical guest because it does not have a proper host, is the funniest episode of the season, but it's even more fascinating as an exercise in self-mythology. Saturday Night Live, that most self-reflective of American comedy institutions, wasn't going to wait for history to render its verdict on the season that had just passed, or the traumatic transition of power from Michaels' cold, distant, but beloved daddy to Doumanian's evil stepmother. Instead, the show wrote its own story while it was happening. It made that contemporaneous revisionist history a dark joke that wasn't just self-deprecating, it was self-lacerating. It went for laughs and it went for blood. It didn't matter if that blood was its own.
After a season of doing just about everything wrong, Saturday Night Live finally did something right. It had Al Franken return to the "Weekend Update" desk alongside Chase to deliver a scathing monologue about how Saturday Night Live flew so spectacularly off the rails.
In a bit of brutal honesty that thankfully happens to be corrosively funny, Franken promises viewers that the show will be a "little better" in the future, if only because "no English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean," a line that's mean and hilarious in perfect proportion.
Like everyone, Franken puts much of the blame for Saturday Night Live's decline on Doumanian, the perfect, eminently hateworthy scapegoat. But he doesn't stop there. Instead, he implicates just about everyone, including the clueless NBC executives who handed over the reins of Saturday Night Live to a widely despised associate producer instead of him, the obvious, ideal choice. Franken even goes after Ebersol, the new boss, whom he mockingly nicknames "Mr. Humor" in honor of such Ebersol-masterminded gems as "The Waverly Wonders," an ill-fated vehicle for Joe Namath, Rollergirls, and a Saturday Night Fever knock-off named Joe & Valerie. In his meanest, most inspired jab at Ebersol, Franken points out that Ebersol's role as the network president in charge of late-night programming at the time of Saturday Night Live's creation allowed him to be "the first person to steal credit for the success of Saturday Night," credit Franken is quick to point out, "should rightfully go to Lorne Michaels and me, Al Franken."
Franken's criticism was pointed and prescient. The prickly, cantankerous future senator points out that Ebersol wasn't being put in charge of Saturday Night Live because he was smart, funny, a comic innovator, or even someone with a reasonably good sense of humor. NBC wasn't putting a renegade or a revolutionary at the helm of Saturday Night Live; it was installing a company man with solid commercial instincts who could be counted on to steer the wayward ship back in an unmistakably mainstream direction by emphasizing stars, catchphrases, recurring characters, and the dazzling charisma of Eddie Murphy (and, to a much lesser extent, Joe Piscopo). Depending on your perspective, Ebersol either saved the show at its low point or was merely a placeholder executive producer who kept it alive and profitable until Michaels could return and, after a similarly disastrous 1985-86 season, return it to its former glory.
But Franken doesn't stop there. He wasn't quite done salting the ground. Building momentum, Franken utters a sentiment that has been uttered countless times since the Doumanian days: "It's clearly time to yank this tired old format off the air." To that end, Franken urges audiences to send cards and letters to
Put SNL To Sleep
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York 10020
As a final flourish, Franken demands, "Let's put this show out of its misery!" before Chase reminds him that he and partner Tom Davis are scheduled to be the next week's hosts, along with special musical guest Grateful Dead. That episode was never to be, thanks to a writers' strike. NBC yanked the "tired old format" off the air, but only for a little while. By that point, the seeds of the show's creative and commercial renewal had been planted. Nobody knew it at the time, but the skinny teenager who survived Doumanian's reign of terror would become an even bigger star than Chase, so big that he'd leave the show and, unique among the show's retinue of superstars, never look back. Murphy has been a conspicuous absence in Saturday Night Live reunions, retrospectives, and oral histories.
The Franken monologue serves as a brilliant bit of satirical jujitsu. In a deft move, Franken attacked NBC and Saturday Night Live bosses past, present, and future and called for—no, pleaded—for a show that once meant so much to so many people to be put out of its misery for its own good, while simultaneously illustrating what made it so intermittently transcendent. He showed that in the right hands—i.e. the hands of people like himself, Al Franken, who returned as a writer and featured performer during the show's second golden age in the late '80s—the "tired old format" could, and would, sing again.
Failure, Fiasco, or Secret Success: Fiasco


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Welcome to MediBabble, a free, professional-grade medical translation tool. MediBabble is a robust history-taking and examination application designed to improve the safety, efficiency, and overall quality of care for non-English speaking patients. A timely and accurate history is the cornerstone of medical diagnosis and treatment; the relative difficulty of obtaining one with non-English speakers is a significant barrier to care. We believe that a portable, widely available, real-time communication solution — like MediBabble — has the potential for profound impact and is too important to sell.
Which is why we're giving it away.


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INDIANAPOLIS >> Peyton Manning's streak is over.
Manning will not play Sunday in the season opener at Houston, bringing an end to his streak of 227 consecutive starts, including the playoffs. The Colts said 38-year-old Kerry Collins will get the start against the Texans.
Manning has not been able to fully recover from neck surgery in May. During his streak, he has led the Colts to 11 playoff appearances, 11 double-digit win seasons, eight division crowns, two AFC titles and the first Super Bowl championship in the franchise's Indianapolis era.
The streak is the second longest among NFL quarterbacks behind only Brett Favre.
"It's going to be a little different without Peyton. He's one of a kind," coach Jim Caldwell said. "When you look across our league, most teams have had quarterbacks that have missed time. Ours has just been highly unusual."
Manning had been listed as doubtful for the game, but losing him for any time is a shock to Indy fans, not to mention his teammates. Not only has the four-time NFL MVP never missed a start, he's rarely missed practice.
Manning sat out one week of training camp in 1998 before signing his rookie contract. A decade later, he missed all of training camp in 2008 because he underwent surgery twice to remove an infected bursa sac from his left knee.
The only other time his playing status was in doubt was 2001 after he was injured at Minnesota in a preseason game.
He had always made it back for game day. Not this time.
"To say I am disappointed in not being able to play is an understatement," Manning said in a statement released by the team. "The best part about football is being out there on the field playing with my teammates. It will be tough not to be out there playing for the organization and our fans. I simply am not healthy enough to play, and I am doing everything I can to get my health back. The team will do fine without me, and I know for sure that I will miss them much more than they miss me."
Manning had neck surgery to repair a nerve May 23, but the recovery has taken longer than the expected 6-8 weeks that would have put him back on the field for the start of training camp. Instead, he started camp on the physically unable to perform list and wasn't activated until last Monday.
He did limited work at practice last week, which led to complaints about back pain. The team issued a statement saying that team doctors had re-evaluated Manning and instructed him to stop practicing while he undergoes more tests. No additional surgery has been scheduled.
Caldwell said the bad news only became clear Wednesday.
"We always knew it was a chance," he said. "That's what doubtful means. You always have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best."
Caldwell said he had confidence in Collins, who was lured out of retirement by the Colts just a few weeks ago as Manning's recovery dragged on.
"The guy's thrown for 40,000 yards. He can throw the ball," Caldwell said.
Collins has made 177 career starts and been to two Pro Bowls. He took the Carolina Panthers to the 1996 NFC Championship game and the New York Giants to the Super Bowl after the 2000 season. He helped Tennessee post the AFC's best record (13-3) in 2008.
Still, he has had less than two weeks to learn Indy's pass-first offense, which has traditionally called plays at the line of scrimmage. He didn't even play with Pro Bowlers Reggie Wayne or Dallas Clark in a preseason game, and the Colts will open the season with three new starters on the offensive line and a fourth, former right tackle Ryan Diem, moving inside to guard.
He also now carries the expectations of fans hoping Indy can become the first host team to play in the Super Bowl in February.


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Rape, Abortion, and Roe v. Wade
Just this week, a politician got in trouble for his unfortunate remarks about rape and abortion. While the media has been piling on, enjoying a feeding frenzy over that which he himself has apologized for, there's another story (also out of St. Louis) I want to draw attention to.
If abortion were made illegal—except in the cases of rape, incest, and the life of the mother—that would reduce the rate of abortions by about 98 percent.
Ultimately, we have abortion on demand because of a claim about rape. The whole premise of Roe v. Wade was that the plaintiff in the case, Jane Roe (who we now know was Norma McCorvey) was raped—gang-raped no less.
But years later, Norma McCorvey revealed that she had lied. She said, "I initially I had told Sarah Weddington [the ACLU attorney for Roe] that I had been raped—and I was not raped."
In the mid-1990s, Norma had a come-to-Jesus moment and changed from being the poster child for abortion to being an avid opponent of it. She said in an interview on Christian TV, "I was a hippie of sorts and I sold drugs, and that's what got me into so much trouble. I didn't know how to respond to people and their problems. Since 1995, I've been walking with Jesus Christ, and I tell you: you can't find a better life."
Before her change, she had worked in an abortion clinic and saw firsthand what the industry can do to women. She said, "You are totally different after you've had an abortion. Abortion kind of sucks your soul dry; it makes you a very angry person inside, from what I've seen."
Roe v. Wade has resulted in the deaths of 55 million unborn babies—that's almost twice the entire population of Canada. I wonder how many Americans realize that it was based on a lie.
Norma McCorvey attempted to overturn Roe in a case that went nowhere.
Meanwhile, there's a challenge to Roe looming on the horizon in South Dakota, whose state motto is quite appropriately, "Under God, the People Rule." This challenge would be big news, but the liberal media seems to be obsessed with the poor foot-in-the-mouth remarks of conservative politicians (while giving liberal ones a total pass, it would seem).
A couple of years ago, the legislature of South Dakota passed a law, requiring that a woman seeking an abortion in that state be informed about some of its risks—including the potential emotional risks. One such risk is the possibility of committing suicide. As could be expected, Planned Parenthood has fought this bill in the courts.
By a vote of 7 to 4, Planned Parenthood lost the decision at the Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals (based in St. Louis) late last month. This is big news; and if the results had been reversed, it likely would have been reported widely.
Dr. Allen and Leslee Unruh, the pro-life leaders in South Dakota, have championed this bill, as well as other pro-life work. Dr. Unruh said that this court decision (Planned Parenthood v. Rounds, July 24, 2012) will be the Gettysburg of the war over abortion in America.
Much of the court's decision centered around this: Is there or is there not credible evidence that some women after having an abortion become suicidal because of the procedure?
The court ruled, "Based on the record, the studies submitted by the State are sufficiently reliable to support the truth of the proposition that the relative risk of suicide and suicide ideation is higher for women who abort their pregnancies compared to women who give birth or have not become pregnant."
The court noted the opposition's perspective: "Planned Parenthood contends that requiring a physician to present the suicide advisory imposes an undue burden on abortion rights and violates the free speech rights of the physician."
But the court disagreed: "At a minimum, it appears that many published authors in the field do not accept the opinion of the APA's six-person task force that the 'best evidence' suggests that there is no real significance to the link between abortion and suicide….In conclusion, we hold that the requirements of [the South Dakota bill] are satisfied by a disclosure that the relative risk of suicide and suicide ideation is higher for women who abort compared to women in other relevant groups, as described in the relevant medical research."
On the day of the ruling, Leslee Unruh of the Abstinence Clearing House said, "Today's 8th District Circuit Court of Appeals decision is a victory for all women who have ever been deceived into thinking that aborting their unborn children was the 'only easy way out.'"
She added, "The 8th District Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the women will now be given additional important information before they consent to an abortion: that the abortion procedure places a woman at increased risk of suicide and suicide ideation."
Only time will tell if this case could indeed undo Roe v. Wade. Sadly, Roe herself couldn't undo the damage her earlier lies did. Meanwhile, I would think the news media could report on a little more than some hapless remark that its speaker has himself renounced.


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Home Page Chess Life Online 2009 March Pairings Set for London Chess Classic
|Pairings Set for London Chess Classic
|By Jennifer Shahade
|December 7, 2009
The London Chess Classic begins tomorrow at 9 AM EST. Check out the pairings for the entire event here. US Champion Hikaru Nakamura will face Ni Hua in round one. Other anticipated match-ups: Carlsen-Nakamura in round 4 and Nakamura-Kramnik in round 7. Nakamura recently defeated Carlsen in a blitz match, but will he take him in classical too or will Carlsen exact revenge? See Nakamura's own take on the BN Bank Blitz on his official site.
The Classic has some interesting rules to promote fighting chess which you can read about here. In addition to the main 64,000 Euro prize pool, there is 16,000 Euros in best game prizes and a 20,000 Euro prize pool for decisive games. So if there are only four decisive games in the tournament, the winner of each of these games would get 5,000 Euros on top of their prize. This means that someone could get fewer points than another player, but still win more money. I definitely like the best game prize idea, but I'm not entirely convinced about the decisive result bonuses. It doesn't seem like a quick win should necessarily be rewarded over two 70-move slugfests.
Anyway, I appreciate that they are trying something different and can't wait to see how it turns out. Let me know what you think by posting a comment or sending an email to [email protected]. Maybe you'll hear your comment when I'm on the air with GM Joel Benjamin of Ask GM Joel, who will be hosting chess.fm with me on Wednesday at 9 AM EST.
You can follow the action on the official website where live games and commentary will be available. Look for more news on chessdom.com. CLO editor Jennifer Shahade will be commenting on games two, four and five for the Internet Chess Club. Also keep your eyes on CLO for on-the-scene updates by GM Ian Rogers.


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Man's Best Friend
Heading out the door? Read this article on the new Outside+ app available now on iOS devices for members! Download the app.
Trail running with dogs not only keeps both man and beast in excellent shape, it strengthens the bond between them. For dogs, a pre-dinner jaunt in the woods simulates going on a hunt, and eating upon returning home, their reward for a good effort. For humans, a dog's presence can protect you by deterring wild animals like bears and mountain lions (and even two-legged predators) from approaching, or at least, distracting them while you move to safety.
This article appeared in our October 2009 issue.
Dogs naturally love to run, however, they can exert themselves beyond their fitness limits, which means you're responsible for your dog's well being on the trails.
Condition Your Canine
Wait until your puppy (see sidebar for breeds suited to running) is at least a year old before running him, when his muscles and joints are strong enough for the sustained effort. Start with a quarter hour and increase your runs by 15-minute increments each week as your dog's pads toughen up. Different breeds (and individual dogs) react differently to exercise, so inform your vet of your training plan and follow his or her guidelines.
Dogs get sore muscles just as humans do and recover similarly. Notice how long your dog continues to pant upon returning home before his breathing normalizes. If you notice signs of stiffness or lameness, give him a day off or do a recovery activity such as swimming or walking.
Keep Spot Safe
Dogs are at particular risk of overheating—especially long-haired breeds—so budget time for water and shade breaks, the more frequent the better when temps soar. Signs your dog is in trouble include exhaustion, excessive panting, dizziness, red or dark-pink gums and difficulty breathing.
Should your dog show signs of overheating, rest him in the shade or dig a hole in the cool ground where he can curl up. Since dogs can only cool themselves through panting and releasing a small amount of sweat through their paw pads, give an overheated dog a drink and, if available, allow him to stand in a stream or lake. Avoid urging him to continue until he appears revived.
Other safety considerations include keeping rattlesnake-bite vaccinations up-to-date and having your dog wear booties (www.ruffwear.com) to protect his pads from burning on hot rocks, pavement or sand, or getting frostbite on ice and snow. Also carry a mini first-aid kit (including bandages, hydrogen peroxide, cold pack and emergency blanket) and a collapsible water bowl.
Train your dog to carry his own water and supplies in a doggie backpack (www.mountainsmith.com; www.kelty.com), starting with a small load until he builds strength and endurance.
Maintain Control with Commands
Ideally, your four-legged running partner should respond to all basic commands ("heel", "sit" and "stay"), and when running off-leash, "come" is especially important. Train your dog to come to you using a 30-foot line or string tied to his collar. Walk some distance away from your sitting dog, then call his name and "come!" Immediately begin using the string to reel him toward you. When he reaches you, give him plenty of praise, then release him.
This can be a hard lesson to teach to dogs that think the "come" command means you're heading home. However, this exercise teaches that once he has come, he will be free to resume his off-leash exploring. Once your dog obeys to "come" without needing to be pulled with the string, he's ready to run off leash.
Chronic leash pulling is a common bad habit that can be corrected. You'll never win the game of tug-o'-war, as any leash tension only prompts your dog to pull harder. Instead, your goal is to always have a loose leash and a dog that happily heels.
Begin running with the dog at your heel. When your dog bolts ahead, jerk the leash and turn suddenly in the opposite direction. Keep the leash slack and use firm jerks to control your dog. After turning, circle around and try again to move forward. The point is for the dog to realize that he doesn't get anywhere by pulling. You'll make a lot of turns in the beginning, but soon the dog learns to run next to your leg rather than dragging you down the trail behind him.
Jennifer McCarthy is the principal at Jennifer McCarthy World Class Dog Training (www.jmdogtraining.com) in Boulder, Colorado.
Best in Show
Vizsla Originally a Hungarian hunting breed, this athletic dog has great stamina and agility for running over boulders, logs and other obstacles, and is very willing to please.
Weimaraner This powerful and high-strung hunting breed, which can maintain a fast pace for long periods, is known for wearing out its owner faster than its owner can wear it out.
German Shepherd Fearless, strong, intelligent, loyal and versatile, this breed can handle cold climates and makes a good family companion, but needs frequent exercise and mental stimulation. They can carry weighty packs and still have energy to run long distances.


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Small artisan birds at a market outside a church in Cluj, Romania
Elderly Gentleman
An elderly gentleman in Vama, Bucovina, Romania enjoying a beverage at the end of the day. Is it palinka? Who can tell.
Eccentric Door
A very eccentric door in Romania.
A Romanian man forging a horse shoe in a hot an unforgiving environment.
Decorative Metal Design over a Red Painted Vent
Decorative Metal Design over a Red Painted Vent in Cluj-Napoca, Romania
Best Friends
A friendly Romanian and his cow that enjoyed chewing on his arm. While in Vama we went for an evening walk to enjoy the beautiful golden hour light. We happened upon three gentlemen having an evening drink who were happy to let us photograph them. Eventually the whole family and a horse joined in on the fun. But this guy was super proud of the fact that this cow would chew on his arm. The people in this country are so awesome.
A mask found in Romania found hanging with a furry vest
Blue Window Shutters
Blue Window Shutters against a pink wall in Romania
Rainbow over Cluj
Rainbow over Cluj. While hiking up a crazy amount of stairs to get to a restaurant for dinner, I turned around while taking a break and saw this rainbow forming. This was right before an epic rainstorm came crashing in and luckily I made it to the restaurant right as the rain started to come down more heavily.
Cabins along the Romanian Hillside
Cabins lining a Romanian Hillside.
Green Plank Wall with Cross Pattern and Red Shingle Roof
Green Plank Wall with Cross Pattern and Red Shingle Roof
Shingles on a roof in Romania. They all look so unique, so weathered and so customized. There are no two that look exactly alike, and there is one that is pointed rather than rounded. An odd shingle in the bunch.
Carpathian Mountains
Carpathian Mountain Ridges in Romania
Romanian Horse
A white Romanian Horse with red tassels.
Traditional Egg Painting
Traditional egg painting done by the egg lady in Romania. I would never have the steady hand and patience to do such intricate work on a delicate egg.
Horse getting new shoes
A blacksmith in a rural area in Romania working on preparing a horse hoof for a new set of horseshoes.
Traditional Bread Making
Traditional bread making in Romania. The bread is cooked until the outer crust is burnt, and then the burnt portion is removed by hitting the bread with sticks sending the burnt parts flying.
Bran Castle Reflection
A reflection of Bran Castle captured in the pond out front.
Romanian Monument
Monument in Romania on a foggy morning. The beautiful clouds help to establish a lovely landscape shot.
Black and White window sills of Sighisoara, Romania. This was a lovely town with many rustic looking buildings and windows. Loved seeing an capturing these images.
Forging Horseshoes
The stoked fires at a gypsy blacksmith forging horseshoes to put on the horse of a neighbor.
Romanian wildflowers. Everyone was looking at yet another church. I turned around and caught the beautiful morning light hitting these purple wildflowers. Sometimes, it is the little things that intrigue me the most.


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KANSAS CITY, Mo. (BP)–When James Walker hears of another person converted to faith in Christ after years of deception in a cult, he rejoices at the news. But if that new believer is eager to discard newsletters and books filled with the false teaching that once entrapped him, Walker is likely to respond, "Not so fast!"
What is reasonably regarded as harmful literature can serve to enlighten those who study Christian apologetics. Former practitioners are just one source of materials that Walker and the staff of Watchman Fellowship acquire to build an extensive library of primary source material.
Over the past 30 years, materials from countless cultic groups that range from the New Age Movement to the Unification Church have been collected by scouring yard sales, used bookstores and family files.
Because making such materials available to seminary students will help equip future ministers recognize cultic deception and counter it with a Christian witness, Watchman Fellowship in placing part of its collection at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Kansas City, Mo.
"Our institution's interest in the Watchman library stems from our desire to understand and reach cultic enthusiasts with the Gospel," Thor Madsen, Midwestern's academic dean, said. "We trust that expertise gained from careful research in these materials will serve that end."
Such preparation is essential in a postmodern world in which the desire to find something to believe in remains strong.
"We might suppose that as America gives up Christianity, it will default to naturalism, which rejects all forms of religious belief," Madsen said. "What we actually see, however, is a turning to all sorts of do-it-yourself, garage-band worldviews, prime examples of which are studied by the Watchman Fellowship."
It was the frustration of being inadequately trained to answer the Jehovah's Witnesses who came to his doorstep that motivated Watchman founder David Henke to search for literature on the subject, contacting every author or organization for which he could find an address. In 1978 he became a full-time missionary to cults. The organization expanded to staff offices in eight states, involving many ministers with Southern Baptist ties.
Having been a fourth-generation Mormon, Walker walked away from serving as a deacon, teacher and priest in 1976, later studying theology at Criswell College in Dallas. Ten years after joining the staff of Watchman Fellowship, he became president in 1994, developing curriculum materials and leading conferences in local churches and theological schools.
"Our goal is to equip the body of Christ for discernment and evangelism, to educate the community to the dangers of religious cults and to evangelize those lost in cultic deception," Walker said.
He advises incorporating two elements for an effective witness to someone trapped in a cult: love and authority. An expression of personal concern and interest in the individual as a person, not just a cult member, communicates that love. Then a Christian relies upon the authority of God's Word, illuminated by the Holy Spirit. By helping cult members recognize the control being exercised by a person or group and how their faith has been misplaced, they become more open to the Gospel.
Walker combines original cult source materials with witnessing manuals to teach Christians an easy, practical and effective method of opening the eyes of cult members.
Watchman Fellowship's research library contains more than 35,000 volumes with about 10,000 files on cult-related issues. Original materials produced by groups such as the Church of Scientology, the New Age movement, Unification Church, Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are among the holdings. Duplicate copies are being provided to Midwestern Seminary for use by students and other researchers.
"Our library eagerly anticipates the arrival of these new resources and we will find opportunities to share these resources with our students and the community," librarian Craig Kubic said.
Tammi Reed Ledbetter is news editor of the Southern Baptist TEXAN.


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2009 NFL Free Agent Signings List
ARIZONA CARDINALS–Signed Dominque Byrd, TE; Oliver Ross, OT; Anthony Becht, TE; Mike Leach, LS; Rodney Leisle, DT; Keith Lewis, S; Bryant McFadden, CB; and Donovan Raiola, C. Re-signed Ben Graham, P; Clark Haggans, LB; Brian St. Pierre, QB; Kurt Warner, QB; and Dan Kreider, FB. Agreed to terms with Bertrand Berry, DE; Elton Brown, OL; Ralph Brown, CB; and Jason Wright, RB.
ATLANTA FALCONS–Signed Mike Peterson, LB; and C Brett Romberg. Re-signed Chauncey Davis, DE; Jamal Fudge, S; Tony Gilbert, LB; Jason Jefferson, DT; Justin Peele, TE; Ben Wilkerson, OL; and Coy Wire, LB.
BALTIMORE RAVENS–Signed John Beck, QB; Chris Carr, CB/KR; Domonique Foxworth, CB; and L.J. Smith, TE. Agreed to terms with Matt Birk, C; and Ray Lewis, LB. Re-signed Samari Rolle, CB.
BUFFALO BILLS–Signed Dominic Rhodes, RB; Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB; Drayton Florence, CB; Geoff Hangartner, OL; and Terrell Owens, WR. Re-signed Kirk Chambers, OL; and Corey McIntyre, FB. Agreed to terms with Pat Thomas, LB.
CAROLINA PANTHERS–Re-signed Jordan Gross, OT; Nate Salley, S; James Anderson, LB.
CHICAGO BEARS–Signed Josh Bullocks, S; Glenn Earl, S; Marcus Hamilton, DB; and Frank Omiyale, OL. Agreed to terms with Kevin Jones, RB; Kevin Shaffer, OT; and Orlando Pace, OT.
CINCINNATI BENGALS–Signed Roy Williams, S; Laveranues Coles, WR; J.T. O'Sullivan, QB; and Jeremi Johnson, FB. Re-signed Cedric Benson, RB; Darryl Blackstock, LB; Chris Crocker, S; DeDe Dorsey, WR; and Jamar Fletcher, CB. Agreed to terms with Tank Johnson, DT, and Brandon Johnson, LB.
CLEVELAND BROWNS–Signed Mike Furrey, WR; Eric Barton, LB; David Bowens, LB; Noah Herron, RB; Corey Ivy, CB; C.J. Mosley, DT; David Patten, WR; Hank Poteat, CB; Robert Royal, TE; John St. Clair, OL; and Floyd Womack, T. Re-signed Mike Adams, S.
DALLAS COWBOYS–Signed Keith Brooking, LB; Igor Olshansky, DE; Gerald Sensabaugh, S; and Matt Stewart, LB. Re-signed Miles Austin, WR; Alonzo Coleman, RB; Rodney Hannah, TE; Cory Procter, G; and Stephen Bowen, DE.
DENVER BRONCOS–Signed Nick Greisen, LB; Brandon Gorin, OL; J.J. Arrington, RB; Correll Buckhalter, RB; Andra Davis, LB; Brian Dawkins, S; Ronald Fields, DT; Jabar Gaffney, WR; Andre' Goodman, CB; Renaldo Hill, S; LaMont Jordan, RB; J'Vonne Parker, DT; Lonie Paxton, FS; Kenny Peterson, DL; Darrell Reid, DT; and Scott Young, OL. Re-signed Jeb Putzier, TE. Agreed to terms with Chris Simms, QB.
DETROIT LIONS–Signed Larry Foote, LB; Terrelle Smith, FB; Ronald Curry, WR; Phillip Buchanon, CB; Grady Jackson, DT; Bryant Johnson, WR; Eric King, CB; Maurice Morris, RB; Will Heller, TE; and Cody Spencer, LB. Agreed to terms with Daniel Loper, OL. Re-signed Aveion Cason, RB; Damion Cook, OL; Jason Hanson, K; and Stephen Peterman, G.
GREEN BAY PACKERS–Signed Duke Preston, OL; and Anthony Smith, S. Agreed to terms with Mike Montgomery, DE. Re-signed Tory Humphrey, TE.
HOUSTON TEXANS–Signed LB Buster Davis; LB Cato June; Shaun Cody, DT; Darrell McClover, LB; Dan Orlovsky, QB; and Antonio Smith, DE. Re-signed Joel Dreessen, TE; Nick Ferguson, S; Chris White, C; Eugene Wilson, S; and Rashad Butler, T.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS–Signed Adam Seward, LB. Re-signed Ed Johnson, DL; Freddie Keiaho, LB; Matt Giordano, S; Lance Ball, RB; Kelvin Hayden, CB; Jeff Saturday, C; Tyjuan Hagler, LB, Dan Federkeil, OL.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS–Signed Sean Considine, S; and Tra Thomas, T. Re-signed Brad Meester, C; Scott Starks, CB; and Joe Zelenka, LS.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS– Signed Monte Beisel, LB; Terrance Copper, WR; Tony Curtis, TE; Bobby Engram, WR; Eric Ghiaciuc, C; Mike Goff, G; LS Tanner Purdum; Sean Ryan, TE; Zach Thomas, LB; and Rodney Wright, WR. Agreed to terms with Travis Daniels, CB; C.J. Jones, WR; Corey Mays, LB; Jon McGraw, S; and Darrell Robertson, LB.
MIAMI DOLPHINS–Signed Joe Berger, G; Eric Green, CB; and Jake Grove, C. Re-signed Yeremiah Bell, S; Vernon Carey, OT; and Channing Crowder, LB.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS–Re-signed Heath Farwell, LB; Jimmy Kennedy, DT; Jim Kleinsasser, TE; Benny Sapp, CB; Otis Grigsby, DL; and Fred Evans, DT. Signed Cedric Griffin, CB; Glenn Holt, WR; and Karl Paymah, CB.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS–Signed Brandon McGowan, S; Vinnie Ciurciu, LB; Chris Baker, TE; Leigh Bodden, CB; Joey Galloway, WR; Nathan Hodel, LS; Al Johnson, C; Shawn Springs, CB; and Fred Taylor, RB. Re-signed Matt Cassel, QB (f), and traded him to Kansas City; re-signed Eric Alexander, LB; Wesley Britt, OL; Chris Hanson, P; Russ Hochstein, OL; James Sanders, S; Ray Ventrone, S; Mike Wright, DL; and Tank Williams, S.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS–Signed Darnell Dinkins, TE; Heath Evans, FB; Jabari Greer, CB; Nick Leckey, C; Pierson Prioleau, S; Paul Spicer, DL; Rod Coleman, DT; Darren Sharper, S; and Dan Campbell, TE. Re-signed Joey Harrington, QB; Devery Henderson, WR; Courtney Roby, WR-KR; Jon Stinchcomb, T; Jonathan Vilma, LB; and Troy Evans, LB.
NEW YORK GIANTS–Signed Rocky Bernard, DT; Michael Boley, LB; C.C. Brown, S; Chris Canty, DE; and Lee Vickers, TE. Re-signed David Carr, QB; and Brandon Jacobs, RB (f). Agreed to terms with Kevin Dockery, CB.
NEW YORK JETS–Signed Marques Douglas, DE; Howard Green, DT; Larry Izzo, LB; Jim Leonhard, S; Bart Scott, LB; and Donald Strickland, CB. Re-signed Ahmad Carroll, DB; Jay Feely, K; Brandon Moore, G; and Tony Richardson, FB.
OAKLAND RAIDERS–Signed Jeff Garcia, QB; Khalif Barnes, T. Re-signed Nnamdi Asomugha, DB; Cooper Carlisle, G; Isaiah Ekejiuba, LB; Shane Lechler, P; and Justin Miller, CB.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES–Signed Stacy Andrews, OT; Rashad Baker, S; and Sean Jones, S. Re-signed Tank Daniels, LB; Joselio Hanson, CB; and Nick Cole, OL. Re-signed Hank Baskett, WR. Agreed to terms with Leonard Weaver, FB.
PITTSBURGH STEELERS–Signed Piotr Czech, K; Jayson Foster, WR; Dirk Johnson, P; Shaun McDonald, WR; Keiwan Ratliff, CB; Re-signed Charlie Batch, QB; Keyaron Fox, LB; Willie Colon, T; Chris Kemoeatu, G; Max Starks, T (f); Andre Frazier, LB; Trai Essex, T; Fernando Bryant, CB; and Arnold Harrison, LB.
ST. LOUIS RAMS–Signed Billy Bajema, TE; Kyle Boller, QB; Jason Brown, OL; James Butler, S; and FB Mike Karney. Re-signed Ron Bartell, CB; Adam Goldberg, G; and Mark Setterstrom, G.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS–Agreed to terms with Kevin Burnett, LB. Re-signed Kynan Forney, G.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS–Signed Marques Harris, LB; Demetric Evans, DE; Damon Huard, QB; and Brandon Jones, WR; and ; Marvel Smith, T. Re-signed Moran Norris, FB; Allen Rossum, CB-KR; and Takeo Spikes, LB.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS–Signed Colin Cole, DT; T.J. Houshmandzadeh, WR; and John Owens, TE. Re-signed Ray Willis, OL. Agreed to terms with D.D. Lewis, LB; Justin Griffith, FB; and Ken Lucas, CB.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS–Signed Byron Leftwich, QB; Angelo Crowell, LB; Mike Nugent, K; and Derrick Ward, RB. Re-signed Michael Clayton, WR; Cortez Hankton, WR; Luke McCown, QB; Jermaine Phillips, S; and Jerramy Stevens, TE.
TENNESSEE TITANS–Signed Jovan Haye, DT; Mark Jones, WR/KR; Patrick Ramsey, QB; and Nate Washington, WR. Re-signed Rob Bironas, K; Kerry Collins, QB; Vincent Fuller, DB; Justin McCareins, WR. Agreed to terms with Craig Hentrich, P.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS–Signed Roydell Williams, WR; Derrick Dockery, G; Dominique Dorsey, KR; Albert Haynesworth, DT; Dirk Johnson, P; Dave Rayner, K; and Renaldo Wynn, DE. Re-signed Ethan Albright, LS; Phillip Daniels, DE; Reed Doughty, S; Alfred Fincher, LB; DeAngelo Hall, CB; and Shaun Suisham, K.
f-franchise player


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(Reuters) – Rhode Island is suing former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling and the former head of the state's economic development agency over a $75 million loan guarantee the agency made to the baseball player's failed video game company 38 Studios.
The suit was filed in Superior Court on Thursday and listed Schilling, who named the company after his former jersey number, Keith Stokes, the former head of the state's Economic Development Corporation (EDC), several banks and law firms as defendants in the case.
EDC, a quasi-state agency, made the loan in 2010 to lure Schilling who was promising to bring 450 jobs to the economically depressed state from neighboring Massachusetts. The deal was brokered by Donald Carcieri, the state's governor until January, 2011.
38 Studios filed for bankruptcy in June leaving the state's taxpayers responsible for repaying roughly $100 million, with interest included, to private investors who had bought the bonds the state issued on behalf of the company.
The suit charges that some of the defendants committed larceny and permitted the video game company to rely on financial assumptions that were based on "known false assumptions".
Governor Lincoln Chafee, who authorized the suit, issued a video statement saying taxpayers should not be asked to pay for this. "My message to Rhode Islanders is this: I know that you work hard for your paychecks, and for your tax dollars to be squandered is unacceptable," Chafee said, adding that the suit was being filed to "rectify a grave injustice put upon the people of Rhode Island".
From the beginning, the loan guarantee was highly controversial. Massachusetts failed to give the former Red Sox star, who had helped the hometown team win its first World Series championship in 86 years in 2004, the same loan guarantees.
The case is State of Rhode Island Providence, SC v. Wells Fargo Securities, LLC; Barclays Capital, Plc; First : Southwest Company; Starr Indemnity and Liability Company; : Curt Schilling; Thomas Zaccagnino; Richard Wester; Jennifer Maclean; Robert I. Stolzman; Adler Pollock & Sheehan, P.C.; Moses Afonso Ryan ltd.; Antonio Afonso, Jr.; Keith Stokes; and J. Michael Saul, Superior Court.
(Reporting By Svea Herbst-Bayliss; editing by Andrew Hay)
Image Credit: Boston Red Sox


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I'm interested in finding out what people's experiences with standard usernames is. I've always been in places that used {firstInitial}{lastname} (sometimes with a length-limit). Now I've users that want {firstname}.{lastname} - and now it comes up that the period may cause problems.
- What is the best username length limit to use to maintain compatibility across all uses?
- What characters should be avoided?
UPDATE: The reason I didn't mention specifics is that I wanted to be general enough to handle anything that might come up in the future. However, that may be too general of a requirement (anything can happen, right?).
This is our environment: Ubuntu Server Lucid Lynx 10.04 LTS, Red Hat Enterprise Linux 5.6 and up, Windows Server 2003 and Windows 2000 Server (with Active Directory in Windows 2000 Native Mode), Zimbra 7.x for mail, and OpenLDAP in the near future.
UPDATE: I should mention (for completeness) that I saw this question (though it didn't answer my asked question) and also this web post, both of which were very informative.


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Osgood-Schlatter disease is a developmental disorder that causes musculoskeletal problems and is rare in the normal population. However, the condition is more common in teenagers who play sports, affecting an estimated 3-5% percent of this population; it causes painful inflammation below the knee in adolescents and can lead to permanent soft tissue damage. The condition is often diagnosed by MRI, which is both costly and impractical for screening purposes.
Dr. Ralf Doyscher, from the Department of Sports Medicine at Charité – Universitätsmedizin Berlin, recently participated in a study of elite youth soccer players, which included looking at point-of-care ultrasound (POCUS) as an alternative approach to diagnosing Osgood-Schlatter disease.
"The sports medicine team at the Charité was asked to perform a general health check on elite young soccer players enroled in a regional support programme," explains Dr. Doyscher, "and we took the opportunity to simultaneously study the potential of POCUS as a screening tool to identify players who might be suffering from Osgood-Schlatter."
"We screened almost 400 players between 12 and 14 years old, and identified six players with pathologies indicative of Osgood-Schlatter, all of which were later confirmed by MRI. Although this is only an initial study, the findings indicate that ultrasound is well suited to screening for Osgood-Schlatter disease."
"POC ultrasound systems, such as the FUJIFILM Sonosite Edge® system used for this study, offer a convenient and cost-effective alternative to MRI for screening activities, and I believe this approach could benefit young players in a number of other running sports."
POCUS and Sports Medicine Applications
Learn how onoSite's point-of-care ultrasound and needle visualisation technology can help provide on-the-spot answers in the office, on the field, or nearly anywhere sports injuries occur on our Sports Medicine Specialty page. Or check out how our video on how Dr. Dirk Tenner worked with Team Radio Shack with a Sonosite portable ultrasound machine.


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- Home
- City Services
- Services A-J
- Housing & Community Development
- Community Development Block Grant
Community Development Block Grant
What is the Community Development Block Grant (CDBG)?
The City of Edmond is proudly committed to ensuring a high quality of life for all its residents. This commitment goes beyond public utilities and public safety; it includes studying and addressing the day-to-day needs of residents and neighborhoods.
The City of Edmond is one step closer to addressing these needs thanks to citizen participation and the Community Development Block Grant (CDBG) program. The CDBG program was authorized by the Housing and Community Development Act of 1974. Each year, the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development provides eligible metropolitan cities with CDBG funds to revitalize neighborhoods, develop affordable housing, expand economic opportunities, and provide public services principally to benefit low and moderate-income persons or households.
All projects and programs must meet one of three national objectives:
- A benefit to low and moderate-income persons or households
- Aiding in the prevention or elimination of slums or blight
- Urgent need (meeting other community development needs having a particular urgency because existing conditions pose a serious and immediate threat to the health or welfare of the community, such as natural disasters)
Developing the 2023 Annual Action Plan
The City of Edmond CDBG Department uses demographic, infrastructure, economic, social, and housing data to aid in developing the 2023 CDBG Action Plan. The most important part of this data collection is citizen participation. The CDBG Citizen Participation Committee hosts quarterly meetings on the third Thursday of that month to discuss CDBG programming, expenditures, community needs, and anything else CDBG related. Everyone is encouraged to attend. For meeting times and an agenda, call (405) 359-4694.
Each year, Edmond's CDBG program assists almost 2,500 low and moderate-income individuals and families. In addition to our current CDBG programs, past construction projects include the Hope Center, Penick Park, numerous waterlines, sewer lines, storm sewers, and an ADA sidewalk starting at Fretz and Main Street extending west to the Splash Pad and north to Ida Freeman Elementary School.
In order to qualify, the applicants must reside within the Edmond city limits and the personal or household income for applicants must be less than the following HUD Income Guidelines (effective June 2022):
|Number in Household
|1 person household
|2 person household
|3 person household
|4 person household
|5 person household
|6 person household
|7 person household
|8 person household


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MV Quest: Respiratory System check! - 35 Entries!!
by Roman aka jar
Dragonlord Games and Massive Voodoo were calling for another quest and you answered!
Sanding resin parts, breathing milliput dust, using many different glue sorts, working with multiple component putty or resin, sanding white metal in different qualities, sniffing strange colours smells ... eeeeecceeettaaarrrraaaa!!! Not the best conditions to grow old so it is good to check for your respiratory systems once in a while and take care to keep them away from danger. That is what this quest is about! It's breathing mask time!!
Many thanks to Dragonlord Games which is supporting not only the Article section with their banner, but also sponsoring a big load of figure candy to this Quest, for you to win!
So, a dangerous passion it is.
We think everybody who loves Miniature Painting should have a breathing mask at home to have a longer life and paint more and more figures! If you already got one at home you are prepared for the upcoming quest that we ask of you. If you have none so far, get one, not only for this quest, also for your health.
Thanks for all your entries.
In the end we recieved 35 entries and I will show them to you soon. What made me really happy is the fact that many of you really understood the deeper meaning of this contest. We care about your health and emails like this really made me see:
"This was great!! We had so much fun. This contest got me to purchase a bona fide respirator instead of the basic mask I've always used. So much healthier from now on. Thank you."
Entry 5: Juan
Entry 6: Ronald
Entry 7: Jan
Entry 8: Sergio
Entry 9: Allen
Entry 10: Gilles
Entry 11: Engineer Jeff
Entry 12: Estefania
Entry 13: Franky
Entry 14: Dirk
Entry 15: MoJo
Entry 16: Andy
Entry 17: Petros
Entry 18: Riccardo
Entry 19: Luke
Entry 20: Wayne
Entry 21: Denniz
Entry 22: Matthias
Entry 23: Andrea
Entry 24: Sebastian
Entry 25: Markus
Entry 26: Alex
Entry 27: Clemens
Entry 28: Pavel
Entry 29: Adam
Entry 30: Oliver
Entry 31: Julian
Entry 32: Lester
Entry 33: Raphael
Entry 34: Enrico
Entry 35: Martin


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Payroll Management: Beginning With the End in Mind
- Why payroll administration is not just about the numbers
- The high cost of improperly classifying employees
- The QETP (Questionable Employee Tax Practices)
- The top three questions auditors and investigators will ask – and why
- Establishing good faith efforts that reduce penalties and fines
- Five vital internal audits that are not about the math
- What to do if you get an FLSA complaint
Making Sense of the FLSA Overtime Exemptions
- Exempt vs non-exempt employees – What's the difference?
- Three tests to help determine overtime exemptions – salary, highly compensated and standard duties
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Worker Classification: Employee or Independent Contractor - How to Decide?
- Creating a worker classification process
- W-9 Compliance
- What is back-up withholding and when should you use it?
- 1099-MISC Hot Tips
- Auditing your W-4 process
- E-verify and New-Hire Reporting
- Your payroll department and the I-9
Payroll and the Non-exempt Employee
- Paid and unpaid leave policies that payroll must understand
- Recognizing compensable time
- Rounding and adjusting the timeclock: The Rule of De Minimis Time
- Overtime requirements and options employers should consider
- Spotting and correcting wage and hour violations
- Gone to the Guard for the week — what to do when military pay and your payroll overlap
- Tips and uniform allowances — what's considered income, what's not?
- What you're required to pay when an employee is dismissed
Special Payroll Considerations and Hot Tips for Maintaining Compliance
- How to determine the order of multiple garnishments for an employee
- When and how to tax fringe benefits
- The legal ramifications of paycheck advances
- Compensation and fair market value — what the law says you must do
- Gifts that must be reported to the IRS
- Withholding and reporting rules for cash fringe benefits vs. non-cash fringe benefits
- Cell phone supplements – taxable or not?


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Hawaiian pizza is given a kick at Buddy's Restaurant and Pizzeria with the continuation of its unique flavor combination in the pizza's sweet and sour sauce. "People who come to Buddy's already expect something a little out of the ordinary," says Wesley Pikula, vice president of operations for the concept in Michigan. Indeed, Buddy's stands out from the crowd with its square-shaped pizzas. It also boasts pastry-like crust, which is achieved by applying the sauce over the cheese. "That way, the crust is crunchy and doesn't get saturated with sauce," says Pikula. The sweet and sour sauce is made with crushed pineapple, honey and a smoky barbecue sauce. Canned Dole pineapple rings and diced imported Polish ham decorate the pizza. The 8-inch deep dish sells for $13.99 and runs a 24 percent food cost. "It's pretty popular. It's one of those specialty pizzas that has a loyal fan base that looks for the `brand' of Hawaiian and orders it every time," says Pikula. Buddy's sells 10 specialty pizzas, and the Hawaiian performs in the top four. Shelf life of canned pineapple doesn't seem to be an issue. "Pineapple is a pretty hardy ingredient. It holds up really well," says Pikula. As Buddy's is a full-service restaurant, cross-utilization is easy. For instance, the pizza's sweet and sour sauce can be used as a dipping sauce for appetizers or entrees. And, of course, the pineapple rings can be crushed to make the sauce itself. "One thing that's really important is the handling of the pineapple. It's got a lot of water weight so you have to drain it for a long time. If not, you'll weigh the pizza down and make it watery," says Pikula.
Our dough is made from scratch daily in each of our kitchens. We use only premium grade flour in our dough's secret recipe. Carefully double kneading the dough and allowing it to rise for 1 to 1-1/2 hours helps to create Buddy's famous crunchy crust. We use almost one pound of cheese on our large, 8-square pizzas. This brick cheese is made especially for Buddy's in Wisconsin and is shredded by hand for the perfect melt. Our produce is received fresh daily and all of our vegetable toppings are hand sliced. We use Margherita brand pepperoni - a lean, high-quality, more flavorful, course-ground sausage. We place it under the cheese to prevent charring from the high baking heat. Our pizza sauce is made with a blend of Stanislaus premium tomato products, herbs and spices (our own little secret for more than 50 years.) All of Buddy's Black Steel pizza pans have to be specially seasoned. Some have been around for more than 50 years.
I'm telling ya! Make the dough recipe I posted...its the real deal! Use whatever pizza pan you want, the pizza tastes the same no matter the shape! I like to just use my chicago deep dish pan. Use Peter's help with the thickness factor and getting the baker's percentages right for your size pan and follow the recipe. You will love it.
How'd the dough and pizza turn out???