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Forgiveness or Punishment: It's Your Choice
Some people may hear the phrase, "Forgive and Forget" and feel unburdened by its lightness, and even follow the advice without a second to waste. Others might shudder at the idea, which is understandable. There is enormous pressure in that tiny phrase! To first insinuate that forgiving is so easy, and then to suggest that a person does so and subsequently forgets what hurt them: How rude! Forgiveness can be tough, so don't let phrases or other people belittle your situation. We live in a world with so much beyond our control, but we do have total control over our own decisions, attitude and actions. Put simply, your forgiveness is yours, and only you can decide when or if you give it.
Choosing to forgive benefits you much more than the person who has hurt you. By choosing to forgive, you are allowing yourself a pathway towards a sense of peace. Holding onto hurt can feel like you're living in a constant state of unsettlement, thereby affecting other relationships in your life and sometimes your health. When you forgive, in a way, you set yourself free. But you may have things, chains if you will, holding you back from forgiving.
Your chains might be:
Wanting revenge, or the other person to "pay" for what they have done. I'm sure we have all pictured ourselves as nighttime vigilantes making justice at some point or another. But the reality is that masking yourself and taking care of business isn't totally legal, or logical, and lingering on the need for justice only keeps the problem contemporary, instead of letting it fade into the past like DaVinci's first attempt at the Mona Lisa, the "Mona Uvula." …It just doesn't sit right.
Unhelpful beliefs about what forgiveness means, such as:
- Forgiveness makes the offense okay
- Forgiving means you are weak
- Forgiving means you're a pushover
- Forgiveness must be earned with an apology or some kind of action
- Forgiveness is not possible for this particular offense
On the contrary, forgiveness does not justify the offense, takes incredible strength to give, and is always possible to give, even if the person who hurt you is no longer around to receive it.
An illusion of control felt by holding back forgiveness. You may not even be aware of it, but holding back forgiveness can give you a sense of power, like having the last word in an argument. It may feel like you are punishing the other person this way, but whether or not they feel your "punishment", you yourself are suffering from the anger and resentment. Remember that the true control is over yourself and the choice of forgiveness; the illusion of control comes into play when you feel empowered over the other person by your very real control of your forgiveness.
Whatever your chains may be, here are some bolt cutters! (or tools to help you forgive):
- Consider what beliefs you have that could be holding you back. Challenge them. If loosening up on one or more of your beliefs could help you let go of hurt, why not try it?
- Talk about it. Sometimes a little blah blah with someone you trust is all it takes to get something settled in your head.
- Take care of yourself. Take some you-time. Decompress. Do or discover what helps you feel comfortable and at peace, whether it's bubble bathing, a one-on-one session with a chocolate bar or three, nature walks, etc… Just focus on floatin' that boat of yours.
- Think about the things that are within your control and the things that are not. Think about how much more control you could gain over yourself and your feelings; by forgiving, you are NOT allowing the offense to continue to hurt you. If you really think about it, forgiving is putting your foot down on pain. Put the foot! (You can chant it to yourself, secretly, awesomely.) (Put the foot, put the foot, put it!)
- Forgiveness, because it can be so difficult, is something to be proud of. Rewrite the story you tell yourself about what happened to include your own courageous act of forgiving. If you can taste the triumph, perhaps it's time to eat it. (Forgive in real life.)
Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. People are often harder on themselves than others, and the shame or guilt you feel might be preventing you from allowing forgiveness to bring healing. Just remember number four on the "tools" list: you don't have control over the past (as time machines are not yet a thing), but you do have control over yourself and future choices. Choose to put your foot down on pain and let the healing begin. …Put the foot!
by Joanna Brewer
About the Author: Ms. Brewer works for LifePaths Counseling and is also a freelance writer and musician. If you liked her article, go ahead and subscribe to our blog to get notified each time a new article is posted. She will be writing more for us soon!


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Salim Al Ashkar, 43, was born and raised in Khreibeh in Chouf district of Mount Lebanon. He supervised architectural projects; building houses, paving roads.
He never really thought about his own home and how it would change his life.
"When I was 10, I used to urge my dad to modernize our house," he explains, "I wanted to get rid of the arches, the yellowed stone walls, every old display and the "diwan," the traditional Arab living room. I never looked at our 250-year-old house as a cultural treasure."
In 2005, his views about his home and his life took a dramatic turn when a tourism expert visited the Nature Cedars Reserve in Lebanon near Salim's home and then stopped by to see Salim. He persuaded Salim that his home was well-designed for a guesthouse to host visitors to the nearby cedars.
My mother took over the cooking and I renovated the house, added beds and restored the kitchen.
"My parents, friends and neighbors all loved the idea and supported me from day one." He smiles as he remembers the early days of getting the guesthouse ready, "My mother took over the cooking and I start renovating the house, adding beds and restoring the kitchen." But Salim insists he took care to preserve every aspect of its traditional beauty.
Salim slowly developed his business and earned a good reputation in the field of hospitality. Visitors from across Lebanon started coming to stay and so did diplomats and staff from foreign embassies, international tourists, students and hikers. Al Ashkar guesthouse has become quite a popular destination for visitors to spend a night or two, enjoy the garden and a traditional meal cooked by his mother, who still runs the kitchen. He can accommodate as many as 20 guests at a time. Most like to stay in the guesthouse bedrooms, but Salim says some prefer to pitch a tent or a sleeping bag in the garden.
DHIAFEE Association Helps Salim Advance in Rural Tourism
"Hospitality is an art in itself, you are born with it but you still need to hone your skills and knowledge so this is what I have done," explains Salim. During the last decade he took training classes, workshops and attended conferences. "Some of that special training was organized by Anera, where I learned important tips about security measures, food safety, sanitation and management," he adds.
Salim is passionate about conservation and rural tourism in Lebanon. He has established a wide network of loyal partners, including staff from the Italian and Spanish embassies, board members of the Cedars Nature Reserve, members of the Lebanese Mountain Trail Hikers, and school principals. His guesthouse is part the DHIAFEE Association, a rural tourism network established by Anera to create opportunities for economic development in Lebanon.
"The moment we opened the guesthouse it was a huge success, but in the summer of 2006, the war on Lebanon erupted and tourists canceled their trips," Salim shakes his head and sighs, "It was a disaster. But then I told myself, it is a war and it will end so we need to persevere and better days will come."
In the summer of 2006, the war on Lebanon erupted and tourists canceled their trips. It was a disaster. But then I told myself, it is a war and it will end so we need to persevere and better days will come.
Salim's patience and determination paid off. The next summer more visitors came up to see the cedars and enjoy the beauty of northern Lebanon. His business started to grow and continues to flourish today. Salim is even expanding, building a second floor to welcome more visitors. And, he is continuing to participate in the capacity-building training sessions to hone his skills as a full-time guesthouse owner.
"Through these years of experience I have learned that success comes from taking risks and even failing sometimes but, most important, it is the dream that keeps me going," concludes Salim with a smile.
What is the DHIAFEE Program?
With USAID funding, Anera implemented the DHIAFEE program from 2005 to 2008. The funding has been renewed to upgrade the network across Lebanon. DHIAFEE in Arabic means hospitality. It is also an acronym describing the mission of the program: Developing the Hospitality Industry's Abilities-Fostering Economic Expansion.
Learn more about Anera's DHIAFEE program or view all the guesthouses at www.dhiafeeprogram.org.


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Reporting Guidance
Reporting Tool
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Fahrudin Radoncic, the Bosnian security minister, is warning the European Union that there might be up to 100,000 migrants heading to Western Europe through Greece in the coming weeks.
"Our border is very permeable. We don't have enough (guards) or material resources," said Radoncic, explaining why Bosnia and Herzegovina cannot serve as a buffer that would stop the influx of migrants.
In the meantime, Greece also paints a grim picture of the situation. As most of the migrants coming to Europe enter the continent in Greece, local government forecasts an increase in newly arrived migrants.
According to Greece's migration ministry secretary Manos Logothetis, Greece expects about 100,000 new migrants this year as well.
At the end of last year, Hungary also announced that it is preparing for the 100,000 immigrants who are gathering in the Western Balkans and are ready to enter deeper into Europe.
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According to the International Organization for Migration (IOM) regional coordinator Peter Van der Auweraert, when the weather in the area gets better, some migrants might get on the move, especially as Bosnia and Herzegovina is just a transit country.
However, other parts of the Balkan route have noticed an increase in activity. In January, for example, 3,400 migrants attempted, some of them violently, to cross the border between Serbia and Hungary despite the border fence.


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Rille, et al v. Accenture LLP, et al
Filing 562
ORDER granting 555 Motion to Seal defts' Memoranda, Statements of Fact and Exhibits Thereto, and Consolidated Exhibits in Support of Their May 31, 2011 Summary Judgment Motions. Signed by Judge Billy Roy Wilson on 6/1/11. (kpr)
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