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The NBA Every-Single-Game Preview
How fired up are we for the return of pro basketball? Enough to do something crazy! Presenting GQ's utterly comprehensive, possibly ill-advised preview of all one-thousand two-hundred and thirty NBA games for the 2014-15 regular season
In 2008, the cast of the famously defunct NBA blog FreeDarko.com previewed every single game of the upcoming 2008-09 season. It was a miserable failure, in that very few of their predictions actually came to pass. Six years later, we are giving it one more go, hoping to find redemption.
Orlando at New Orleans: New stud Anthony "Unibrow" Davis.
Magic at Pelicans: Jrue Holiday becomes a meme.
Mavericks at Spurs: Thousands are injured during Rick Perry Eyeglasses Giveaway night.
Rockets at Lakers: Instead of dunking during warmups, the Lakers shake hands as they meet each other for the first time.
Bucks at Hornets: Giannis "The Greek Freak" Antetokounmpo blows up Twitter during halftime by asking whether "Charlotte is a girl's name."
Sirs at Pacers: Both teams agree to wear patches on their jerseys to commemorate Evan Turner.
Nets at Celtics: Depression sets in early for Boston, and Brad Stevens reminds everyone he's too young to die.
Wizards at Heat: Luol Deng politely vetoes Pat Riley's suggestion to play X-Clan snippets every time he makes a shot.
Hawks at Raptors: Trash talk between Pero Antic and DeMar DeRozan largely centers on whether raptors are phylogenetically related to birds.
Timberwolves at Grizzlies: Robert Pera shows up to game wearing a t-shirt of Barry Bonds wearing Google Glass, introduces first in-stadium T-shirt-cannon drone.
Bulls at Knicks: Knicks fans somehow coordinate a crowd chant implying that Chicagoans were too poor to afford Carmelo Anthony.
Pistons at Nuggets: The Year of Faried begins.
Rockets at Jazz: Isaiah Canaan is pleased to eat a pre-game meal in a Salt Lake City restaurant also named Isaiah Canaan.
Lakers at Suns: In a passionate halftime speech, Kobe tearfully admits he always wanted to be a Dragic.
Warriors at Kings: Steve Kerr coaches the game using exclusively golfing metaphors.
Thunder at Blazers: Serge Ibaka upstages Russell Westbrook by wearing a Rick Owens nun outfit to the game.
Wizards at Magic: Randy Wittman takes a stroll around the arena to relive the glory of the 2005-2006 Magic season.
Pistons at Timberwolves: JJ Barea rides a live timberwolf around the court during halftime.
Knicks at Cavaliers: Dion Waiters keeps trying to needle JR Smith by proclaiming the Cavs have a better backcourt than the Knicks, but Smith just concedes the point.
Jazz at Mavericks: Chandler Parsons spends pre-game nervously fake-laughing at Mark Cuban's newly discovered Aziz Ansari impression.
Thunder at Clippers: Russell Westbrook goes off for 60 points, in post-game interview states that he, not Kevin Durant's mom, is the real MVP.
Grizzlies at Pacers: Roy Hibbert annoys his teammates by telling them he's getting really into podcasts.
Cavaliers at Bulls: Pau Gasol zones out so hard to the Alan Parsons Project "Sirius" during player introductions he becomes too mellow to play.
Sirs at Bucks: Nerlens Noel brags to his teammates that he is the only one of them to have a Starlito song named after him.
Spurs at Suns: Gregg Popovich disrobes during a sideline interview.
Blazers at Kings: Derrick Williams finally blossoms.
Clippers at Lakers: Shelly Sterling and Jack Nicholson are honored at halftime for their respective roles as "Number 1 Fan."
Mavericks at Pelicans: Pelicans' 100-point crawdad explosion promotion is a huge success.
Grizzlies at Hornets: Al Jefferson stomps a hole in the ground.
Raptors at Magic: Dwane Casey folds his arms for the last time.
Heat at Sirs: Sam Hinkie blames himself for Bradley Beal's latest injury.
Bucks at Wizards: Jabari Parker starts percolating.
Pacers at Hawks: Larry Bird gets caught on camera eating a gigantic ham sandwich.
Nets at Pistons: Brandon Jennings teaches Stan Van Gundy a lesson in coaching.
Celtics at Rockets: Dwight Howard dunks on himself.
Bulls at Timberwolves: In a moment of James Brown-like showmanship, Flip Saunders fines Wolves players $10 for every three-point shot they take.
Nuggets at Thunder: Kendrick Perkins' play evokes a Keith Olbermann rant.
Suns at Jazz: Utah honors Jeff Hornacek with a moment of silence.
Lakers at Warriors: Stephen Curry keeps killing Kobe Bryant off the dribble.
Kings at Clippers: Chris Paul and DeAndre Jordan debut a new handshake in which they reenact a pick-and-roll with finger puppets.
Raptors at Heat: Amir Johnson reinvents himself.
Hornets at Knicks: Carmelo Anthony won't stop talking during timeouts about a great new brunch spot.
Warriors at Blazers: Winter arrives in Portland.
Rockets at Sirs: The game is preempted by a Hare Krishna rally.
Thunder at Nets: Brook Lopez and Kendrick Perkins get tangled up and accidentally kiss.
Pelicans at Grizzlies: Marc Gasol admits to hating American football, prompting Grizzlies in-fighting.
Celtics at Mavericks: A Tupac impersonator performs at halftime.
Kings at Nuggets: Brian Shaw and Gary Harris have "the talk."
Jazz at Clippers: DeAndre Jordan names his game-winning dunk, "The Great Pyramid of Giza."
Bucks at Pacers: The crowd cheers when Andrew Luck is flashed on the Jumbotron.
Rockets at Heat: Patrick Beverley tempts fate.
Wizards at Knicks: J.R. Smith turns "emoji" into a verb.
Thunder at Raptors: Reggie Jackson challenges Kyle Lowry to a duel.
Magic at Bulls: Nikola Mirotic locks himself in his car, but Gar Heard rescues him before gametime.
Hornets at Pelicans: Lance Stephenson brings jelly doughnuts for everybody.
Cavaliers at Blazers: Damian Lillard has no conscience.
Suns at Lakers: Nick Young walks to the bench with a custom Versace cane.
Heat at Hornets: Steve Clifford declares himself, "About that action."
Magic at Sirs: The scrimmage of the century.
Raptors at Celtics: Tyler Zeller's PED suspension rocks the nation.
Timberwolves at Nets: Nikola Pekovic's tattoos give Robin Lopez "the willies."
Knicks at Pistons: Dej Loaf sings the national anthem.
Bulls at Bucks: Taj Gibson criticizes millennials.
Pacers at Wizards: Ted Leonsis finds out about Ted Leo.
Hawks at Spurs: Gregg Popovich calls the Beatles overrated.
Grizzlies at Suns: The Morris Twins are revealed to be Siamese.
Cavaliers at Jazz: Quin Snyder talks himself into an all-guard lineup.
Nuggets at Kings: Darren Collison cuts corners.
Clippers at Warriors: Shaun Livingston lets the cat out of the bag.
Spurs at Rockets: J.B. Bickerstaff stubs his toe.
Mavericks at Blazers: Mark Cuban predicts that Portland will cease to exist as a city by 2018.
Hawks at Hornets: Michael Jordan arrives at the arena in a yacht.
Timberwolves at Magic: Flip Saunders forgets to play any rookies.
Bulls at Sirs: Tom Thibodeau dyes his hair white for added effect.
Pacers at Celtics: Luis Scola talks about the glory days.
Knicks at Nets: "Battle for the East River" t-shirt promotion is a surprise hit with the fans.
Bucks at Pistons: Another game between two Eastern Conference teams.
Wizards at Raptors: John Wall tells Jonas Valanciunas to act his age.
Grizzlies at Thunder: Russell Westbrook reminds us of our mortality.
Kings at Suns: Gerald Green misses game while directing a "30 for 30" episode on the Cupcake Dunk.
Mavericks at Jazz: Tyson Chandler reads palms.
Cavaliers at Nuggets: Jeff Bzdelik makes a cameo appearance, sitting in Section 133, Row H.
Blazers at Clippers: Doc Rivers loses his cool when he is asked about the "potential playoff matchup."
Wizards at Pacers: Roy Hibbert grabs 30 rebounds.
Knicks at Hawks: Jeff Teague debates religion with the rest of the locker room, refuses to call Sam Harris a neuroscientist.
Timberwolves at Heat: Zach LaVine is disappointed when he finds out the Heat no longer have LeBron.
Celtics at Bulls: Taj Gibson and Tony Snell badmouth "chemistry."
Warriors at Rockets: Kevin McHale finally remembers what it's like to laugh.
Grizzlies at Bucks: Jabari Parker reveals he voted for Ralph Nader in the last election.
Pelicans at Spurs: General Motors' stock soars after this game.
Magic at Nets: Vice Media buys the Nets.
Jazz at Pistons: Greg Monroe understands irony better than anyone.
Kings at Thunder: The first game to be broadcast exclusively on an episode of Radiolab.
Sirs at Raptors: Cito Gaston does player introductions.
Heat at Mavericks: Dirk Nowitzki reminds people that he is a top-40 all time player.
Warriors at Suns: Goran Dragic fouls out in the first quarter.
Nuggets at Blazers: Fans get in free by exchanging an unwanted firearm for a ticket.
Hornets at Lakers: Jeremy Lin and Carlos Boozer share a moment.
Pelicans at Cavaliers: LeBron finally shaves his head and reveals the Birdman 5-star tattoo.
Jazz at Pacers: Derrick Favors brings a knife to a squirt-gun fight.
Hawks at Knicks: Phil Jackson tells the story of the man with two pinky toes on his right foot.
Pistons at Bulls: United Center keeps using the "boing" sound effect over the sound system.
Spurs at Clippers: Everyone remembers the '90s, and gets depressed.
Magic at Raptors: Victor Oladipo tests the logic of the replay system.
Lakers at Grizzlies: Dick Bavetta comes out of retirement.
Thunder at Bucks: Adam Silver performs a voodoo curse.
Kings at Mavericks: Things don't feel quite like they used to.
Hornets at Blazers: Nicolas Batum lets bygones be bygones.
Spurs at Warriors: Gregg Popovich wears earmuffs.
Pistons at Wizards: Paul Pierce's jersey burns his skin.
Jazz at Hawks: Hawks owners apologize to their fans for the summer fiasco, use the kiss-cam for the duration of the game as penance.
Thunder at Celtics: Tommy Heinsohn begins to call Kelly Olynyk, "Kelly Green."
Pacers at Heat: The two teams feel like they met each other in a previous life.
Magic at Knicks: Derek Fisher passes the bar exam.
Lakers at Pelicans: Julius Randle blacks out.
Blazers at Nuggets: Kenneth Faried gives away Breaking Bad spoilers.
Nets at Suns: Zoran Dragic undergoes a controversial skin-tightening treatment.
Rockets at Timberwolves: Zach LaVine gets lost in James Harden's eyes.
Kings at Grizzlies: Ben McLemore's retainer gives him fits.
Bulls at Raptors: Pau Gasol is back.
Sirs at Mavericks: Lemonade was once a popular drink, and it still is amongst the Mavericks crowd.
Nets at Warriors: Klay Thompson and Stephen Curry go longboarding.
Nuggets at Pacers: Paul George wears a blindfold to the game.
Bucks at Magic: Everyone in the game is too young to remember who Faye Dunaway is.
Heat at Hawks: Erik Spoelstra keeps talking about Dwyane Wade's eighth sense.
Cavaliers at Celtics: Kevin Love floats like a Portuguese Man-O-War.
Jazz at Knicks: Carmelo Anthony takes the Jazz to the funhouse.
Sirs at Rockets: Dwight Howard wears a slap bracelet during the game.
Timberwolves at Pelicans: Nikola Pekovic dedicates this game to all the lovers out there.
Pistons at Thunder: Russell Westbrook doesn't break a sweat.
Hornets at Suns: Al Jefferson becomes one with the desert heat.
Spurs at Lakers: Tim Duncan and Kobe Bryant debate yurt prices.
Magic at Wizards: Randy Wittman and Paul Pierce shoot the dozens.
Hawks at Cavaliers: Kyle Korver winks at the camera.
Jazz at Raptors: Terrence Ross just can't get you out of his head.
Pacers at Bulls: To everyone's dismay, Kirk Hinrich gets involved.
Pistons at Grizzlies: Stan Van Gundy names himself team captain.
Timberwolves at Mavericks: Thad Young tells Mark Cuban that he has a great idea for an app.
Nets at Blazers: LaMarcus Aldridge loses a pint of blood.
Spurs at Kings: Gregg Popovich refuses to shake Michael Malone's hand, is universally praised for his courageous decision.
Hornets at Warriors: Harrison Barnes becomes the first player to wear Vans shoes during a game.
Suns at Clippers: Doc Rivers entertains a special group of fans after the game with some saxophone soloing at center court.
Nuggets at Knicks: Derek Fisher suits up at point guard even though Jose Calderon is perfectly healthy.
Bucks at Heat: Heat fans show up wearing Jason Kidd blonde wigs.
Rockets at Thunder: Dwight Howard discovers "Trapped In the Closet" for the first time and tells everyone about it.
Warriors at Lakers: Check out Jeremy Lin's new shirt!
Bulls at Clippers: NBA Finals preview?
Mavericks at Hornets: Al Jefferson hits a 90-foot buzzer beater to win the game.
Nuggets at Cavaliers: Ty Lawson deletes his Facebook page after the game.
Suns at Celtics: Everyone gets promised a contract extension.
Heat at Nets: The NBA-watching public finally realizes that this is no longer a good matchup.
Magic at Pistons: Kyle Singler patterns his game off the phases of the moon.
Rockets at Grizzlies: Zach Randolph knows it's just a race against time.
Sirs at Spurs: Tony Parker invents the reverse-teardrop.
Pelicans at Blazers: Damian Lillard has never heard Kind of Blue.
Bulls at Clippers: Doug McDermott and Pau Gasol do their famous Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein routine.
Lakers at Hawks: Sleepy Brown's ownership bid for the Hawks is rejected, so he buys up all the courtside seats.
Knicks at Bucks: Larry Sanders flashes brilliance.
Thunder at Jazz: Trey Burke gives Gordon Hayward "a pass."
Pelicans at Kings: The Kings regret getting rid of Isaiah Thomas.
Spurs at Cavaliers: Welcome to the Terrordome.
Hornets at Pacers: Lance Stephenson is given a hero's welcome.
Clippers at Magic: The Clippers watch Grizzly Man before the game to get amped up.
Celtics at Sirs: Rajon Rondo amputates his thumb just so he can play.
Mavericks at Wizards: #TCOT-Twitter accuses John Wall of domestic terrorism.
Bucks at Nets: Lionel Hollins wishes he had Gerald Wallace on the team.
Suns at Pistons: Greg Monroe wants a new contract.
Grizzlies at Raptors: Marc Gasol enters the pantheon.
Knicks at Timberwolves: Mass confusion reigns.
Thunder at Nuggets: Russell Westbrook feasts on human flesh.
Lakers at Rockets: Byron Scott is surprised to be coaching Carlos Boozer.
Clippers at Heat: Josh McRoberts goes through a dark period.
Bulls at Kings: DeMarcus Cousins gets called for his first technical foul of the season for not saying "the magic word" when asking for the ball out of bounds.
Magic at Hornets: Lance Stephenson shaves the Jumpman logo into his head.
Suns at Sirs: Joel Embiid performs Howard Beale's monologues from Network.
Pistons at Hawks: Mike Budenholzer reads When Bad Things Happen to Good People aloud to the team.
Bucks at Raptors: Raptors fans riot for the second time this season.
Celtics at Grizzlies: The Celtics defense is suffocating.
Spurs at Timberwolves: Ricky Rubio records the rare single-single.
Nets at Thunder: Scott Brooks forgets to feed his fish.
Cavaliers at Wizards: Kyrie Irving makes LeBron James and Kevin Love look like an afterthought.
Lakers at Mavericks: Byron Scott makes one joke too many around Kobe Bryant.
Pelicans at Nuggets: Anthony Davis and Kenneth Faried stage a rebounding battle for the ages.
Jazz at Warriors: Dante Exum is surprised that there is another game already.
Bulls at Blazers: Stacey King receives a lifetime ban from Portland.
Suns at Pacers: Eric Bledsoe earns his contract money.
Heat at Magic: Shaq shows up to the game and falls asleep.
Raptors at Cavaliers: LeBron James unlocks another feature of his game.
Sirs at Knicks: Jose Calderon misses the game after getting lost in MoMA.
Mavericks at Rockets: Rockets fans throw nickels at Chandler Parsons' head.
Kings at Timberwolves: Anthony Bennett just wants to have fun.
Wizards at Bucks: Larry Sanders blocks the air out of the basketball.
Nets at Spurs: Tim Duncan's midlife flourish continues.
Pelicans at Jazz: Monty Williams still has not mastered the art of defense.
Clippers at Grizzlies: Michael Beasley is given a Viking funeral.
Blazers at Celtics: Damian Lillard treats the TD Garden like his own personal zoo.
Hornets at Heat: Dwyane Wade welcomes in the Hebrew month of Kislev.
Warriors at Thunder: The term "dressage" is used more during this broadcast than at any point since Mitt Romney's campaign.
Nuggets at Lakers: Adam Sandler films a short documentary at the game.
Clippers at Hornets: Michael Jordan refers to this game as "a real happening."
Magic at Cavaliers: David Blatt coaches the hell out of the third quarter.
Blazers at Sirs: The 76ers give away a slice of pizza for every point scored.
Suns at Raptors: Amir Johnson and Markieff Morris find nothing humorous about their matchup.
Knicks at Rockets: James Harden hears your jokes about his defense; so does Carmelo Anthony.
Pacers at Mavericks: Monta Ellis solves the mystery of Dirk Nowitzki's middle name.
Bulls at Jazz: Dr. Oz gives a special halftime lecture on scoliosis.
Hawks at Wizards: Marcin Gortat shows up to the game dressed like Neo from The Matrix.
Warriors at Heat: The Heat locker room is a celebration of life.
Pistons at Bucks: These two teams could very well make the playoffs.
Kings at Pelicans: Omer Asik and Anthony Davis really need a dual-nickname.
Bulls at Nuggets: Tom Thibodeau tests positive for amphetamines.
Blazers at Hornets: Kemba Walker gets healthy UConn flashbacks.
Wizards at Cavaliers: The Cavaliers continue their perfect start to the season.
Warriors at Magic: Victor Oladipo's career has never looked brighter.
Nets at Sirs: Aley Shved gives the city of Philadelphia something to believe in.
Knicks at Mavericks: Carmelo Anthony gives Raymond Felton a massage.
Raptors at Hawks: The Raptors take a bus to check out the Emory campus on their off day, and Kyle Lowry shouts "safety school!"
Clippers at Pistons: DeAndre Jordan hits a perfect 10 out of 10 on his free throws.
Kings at Rockets: James Harden makes it snow.
Bucks at Timberwolves: Andrew Wiggins versus Jabari Parker lives up to expectations.
Jazz at Thunder: Russell Westbrook works himself into a frenzy.
Pacers at Spurs: We all miss Paul George so much.
Nuggets at Suns: Wilson Chandler explains the end of Nothing But Trouble to his teammates.
Grizzlies at Lakers: Kobe Bryant tells Marc Gasol about his '81' game.
Bulls at Celtics: Both teams show up a little groggy from doing karaoke in Allston the night before.
Warriors at Hornets: Charlotte's Biscuits-for-Buckets promotion is a hit!
Pelicans at Hawks: The Hawks' and Pelicans' mascots team up to fight illiteracy.
Bucks at Pistons: Second place in the Eastern Conference Central Division is still up for grabs.
Mavericks at Raptors: Jae Crowder mysteriously gains 14 pounds.
Clippers at Rockets: Trevor Ariza can't stop being useful.
Knicks at Thunder: Carmelo Anthony refuses to guard anyone.
Magic at Pacers: Ben Gordon can still put up 40 points but chooses not to.
Kings at Spurs: Kawhi Leonard and Danny Green develop telepathy with each other.
Suns at Nuggets: Arron Afflalo is the new Voshon Lenard.
Grizzlies at Blazers: David Joerger is visibly perpled.
Timberwolves at Lakers: Zach LaVine's Instagram comments send sports radio into a tizzy.
Mavericks at Sirs: Monta Ellis has never appreciated a pedicure so much.
Pelicans at Wizards: DeJuan Blair donates his body to science.
Hornets at Hawks: Al Thornton rededicates himself to his craft.
Pacers at Cavaliers: Dion Waiters names a street after himself.
Clippers at Jazz: Blake Griffin can't find a good cup of coffee in Salt Lake City.
Rockets at Bucks: O.J. Mayo cleans up his reputation.
Spurs at Celtics: Kelly Olynyk sees a lot of Tim Duncan in himself.
Bulls at Nets: Brooklyn thinks it might be over having a basketball team.
Warriors at Pistons: Shaun Livingston makes a case for the best offseason pickup in the Western Conference.
Grizzlies at Kings: Ben McLemore puts on a dunking exhibition.
Heat at Knicks: Norris Cole takes part in an NYU graduate student workers union protest before the game.
Magic at Suns: Channing Frye can only stare on, longingly.
Timberwolves at Blazers: Shabazz Muhammad remembers that his rent is almost due.
Raptors at Lakers: Steve Nash declares he will play for six more years.
Spurs at Sirs: A closer trouncing than it looks on paper.
Heat at Wizards: Chris Bosh shows off his range.
Nuggets at Jazz: Quin Snyder tempts fate with a new hair product.
Timberwolves at Clippers: Timberwolves fans are temporarily reminded of Robbie Hummel's positive qualities.
Bucks at Cavaliers: Cavaliers fans start to get a bit paranoid about their success.
Celtics at Hawks: Avery Bradley shows you how to hustle.
Lakers at Pistons: The rivalry is gone.
Nets at Knicks: Adam Silver ropes Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Garnett into an anti-violence PSA.
Mavericks at Bulls: Derrick Rose has a cold.
Thunder at Pelicans: Russell Westbrook convinces everyone that porkpie hats are cool.
Blazers at Nuggets: The Nuggets hire a much-needed team psychologist.
Pacers at Suns: George Hill might be Indiana's only hope for the future.
Raptors at Kings: Vivek Ranadive's "Silicon Valley Night" at Sleep Train Arena goes horribly awry.
Magic at Warriors: Stephen Curry plays the villain for once.
Bulls at Hornets: The Bulls stay in an old Civil War era log cabin for a group bonding experience.
Lakers at Wizards: "What can you say…it's a grind!" says Kobe Bryant, chuckling.
Pistons at Celtics: Brandon Jennings urges everyone to just "get back to basics."
Spurs at Nets: Manu Ginobili is the fifth wheel.
Hawks at Heat: Details are revealed that Dwyane Wade has made an under-the-table deal to become the next owner of the Heat.
Grizzlies at Rockets: The early season battle for the Western Conference sixth-seed never felt so good.
Mavericks at Bucks: Tyson Chandler is reborn.
Sirs at Timberwolves: Nikola Pekovic plays a rent-a-cop.
Raptors at Jazz: Gordon Hayward applies too much bronzer.
Magic at Clippers: Someone leaves the reverb on Ralph Lawler's microphone.
Pelicans at Warriors: Steve Kerr and the Warriors struggle to find a consistent pace of play.
Cavaliers at Knicks: Danity Kane reunites to sit courtside.
Pacers at Blazers: Robin Lopez, this is your life.
Knicks at Hornets: A rare Charlotte snowstorm scares Hornets fans into staying home.
Thunder at Sirs: The most lopsided game of the season.
Nuggets at Wizards: This game raises a lot of questions about the benefits of youth.
Lakers at Celtics: Brad Stevens develops a theatrical limp and flaunts it up and down the sideline.
Hawks at Nets: Brook Lopez takes Donald Trump's twitter comments about "losers" personally.
Cavaliers at Raptors: Tristan Thompson reinvents the granny shot.
Spurs at Grizzlies: The two teams combine for a total of eight points in the first quarter.
Rockets at Timberwolves: Flip Saunders urges patience.
Suns at Mavericks: The Mavericks organize a celebrity roast of Raymond Felton during halftime.
Heat at Bucks: Welcome to the league, Shabazz Napier!
Magic at Jazz: This is loneliness in NBA basketball form.
Pacers at Kings: DeMarcus Cousins sings "Ball of Confusion" by the Temptations to Roy Hibbert.
Sirs at Pistons: Luc Richard Mbah a Moute is somehow still starting.
Warriors at Bulls: Tom Thibodeau calls this game "my Rembrandt."
Suns at Rockets: Eric Bledsoe pantomimes his own 'Beats By Dre' commercial.
Timberwolves at Spurs: Anthony Bennett gets bear-hugged by a fan who runs on to the court.
Magic at Kings: Channing Frye and DeMarcus Cousins partner up for an anti-graffiti ad.
Pelicans at Clippers: In postgame comments, Chris Paul rejects capitalism and announces his retirement from doing commercials.
Wizards at Celtics: Marcus Smart turns us all into believers.
Nuggets at Hawks: Ty Lawson trash talks Jeff Teague on Twitter because he "STILL doesn't have the new iPhone."
Heat at Grizzlies: Skip Bayless is disgusted by what he sees on the court.
Thunder at Pistons: Isiah Thomas shows up to the game wearing a fake mustache.
Bucks at Mavericks: Rick Carlisle gives his team a talk about family planning.
Blazers at Knicks: Carmelo's weight loss begins to hurt his game.
Pelicans at Lakers: Kobe Bryant posterizes Anthony Davis and walks out of the arena.
Hawks at Pacers: Remember Dexter Pittman?
Celtics at Wizards: The Celtics come not to bury Paul Pierce, but to praise him.
Cavaliers at Nets: Kevin Garnett is traded to the Cavaliers at halftime, but he stays with the Nets out of loyalty.
Nuggets at Raptors: Danilo Gallinari has lost that loving feeling.
Warriors at Timberwolves: David Lee insists on referring to the game as the David-Lee-bowl.
Jazz at Kings: Gordon Hayward's new haircut begins to weigh on him.
Suns at Clippers: Blake Griffin boycotts game, demands that both teams observe Feast of the Immaculate Conception.
Raptors at Cavaliers: Drake is forcibly removed from both locker rooms after the game.
Blazers at Pistons: The Pistons players-only meeting goes so well they decide to leave the arena at halftime.
Mavericks at Grizzlies: Raymond Felton hires a personal chef from the concession stands.
Knicks at Pelicans: The Pelicans sign a real live Pelican to a 10-day contract then release him into the wild.
Bucks at Thunder: Russell Westbrook quits smoking.
Heat at Suns: A brawl breaks out over whether the sun generates heat or heat forged the sun.
Spurs at Jazz: Carrick Felix dares to ask the eternal question "why not me?"
Kings at Lakers: Nick Young gets sawed in half by a pregame magician; Lakers still lose.
Celtics at Hornets: P.J. Hairston scores 20 points.
Clippers at Pacers: Roy Hibbert discovers that puns are his safe place.
Wizards at Magic: The Magic set an NBA record for most entry passes in a single game.
Sirs at Hawks: Tony Wroten finally learns the names of all his teammates.
Nets at Bulls: Mason Plumlee tries to explain supply-side economics in the huddle; Kevin Garnett bites off his hand.
Blazers at Timberwolves: Nicolas Batum invites the Timberwolves to a party at his new mansion.
Knicks at Spurs: Tim Hardaway, Jr. grudgingly admits that Shane Larkin's dad got more action.
Pelicans at Mavericks: Monta Ellis tells reporters that his game is "super-sized"
Rockets at Warriors: Andrew Bogut shows up hideously deformed and the team doctor fis him up like new.
Heat at Nuggets: J.J. Hickson admits to participating in a human sacrifice.
Cavaliers at Thunder: Hopefully, Kevin Durant and LeBron James square off in one of the season's most anticipated games.
Rockets at Kings: Dwight Howard wears a monocle.
Blazers at Bulls: Jimmy Butler lies about his age.
Clippers at Wizards: Matt Barnes gets through "Watch Dem N***as" twice before being ejected.
Magic at Hawks: Kyle Korver is distracted by the launch of his religious breakfast cereal, misses game-winning three.
Knicks at Celtics: After a rough night, Rajon Rondo angrily tells reports that "the rhinoceros is not the problem here!"
Sirs at Nets: Joel Embiid makes a surprising one-game appearance. Jason Richardson surprisingly reverts to his 23 year-old self.
Pacers at Raptors: Kyle Lowry gets super stupid.
Hornets at Grizzlies: Courtney Lee learns to juggle on the bench.
Thunder at Timberwolves: Steven Adams blows minds with his new forehead beard.
Cavaliers at Pelicans: This game is much more competitive than anyone expected it to be.
Pistons at Suns: Goran Dragic makes a lifelong enemy of Detroit when he dubs himself "the Black Eddie Kendricks."
Heat at Jazz: The Jazz get a good night's sleep.
Lakers at Spurs: Nick Young taunts Spurs fans with memories of what used to be.
Warriors at Mavericks: Stephen Curry's snazzy new parka totally steals the show.
Nets at Hornets: Kemba Walker argues with Marvin Williams about something.
Blazers at Pacers: Robin Lopez openly petitions team for him and Brook to "get the Morris Brothers treatment."
Hawks at Magic: Maurice Harkless cusses out his aunt for still calling him "Mo."
Clippers at Bucks: Larry Sanders declares pornography legal.
Grizzlies at Sirs: Another OT thriller. The 2014-15 NBA season never ceases to amaze!
Nuggets at Rockets: Wilson Chandler leaves immediately after the buzzer to make his Dancing With the Stars audition.
Pistons at Kings: DeMarcus Cousins asks where Isaiah Thomas went.
Warriors at Pelicans: The NBA experiments with an opening game of rock-paper-scissors in place of tip-off. Adam Silver holds his breath.
Bulls at Heat: Derrick Rose is still going strong.
Jazz at Wizards: Marcin Gortat donates the No Limit tank to the NIH.
Lakers at Timberwolves: Due to a scheduling mishap, this game is played outdoors and on ice.
Suns at Thunder: The Morris Brothers take their show on the road.
Raptors at Knicks: James Dolan asks if Kyle Lowry was ever a Knick.
Spurs at Nuggets: Kawhi Leonard affectionately calls this a game between America's two greatest brunch cities.
Hornets at Cavaliers: The Hornets come out chippy when they realize they've accidentally been scheduled to play 86 regular season games.
Lakers at Pacers: Pacers do a Monday Night Football-style intro video to get themselves in the mood.
Celtics at Sirs: Joel Anthony waves off Rondo down the stretch because he's got more championships.
Bulls at Hawks: Kent Bazemore has had it up to here with Shelvin Mack.
Magic at Raptors: Drake hosts Back to the Womb Night.
Bucks at Suns: Milwaukee unveil their new team slogan, "The Bucks Stop Here," then immediately retract it.
Spurs at Blazers: The Spurs mock the Blazers by continuing to lose to them in the regular season.
Pistons at Clippers: Blake Griffin travels to Atlantis, gets back just in time for tip-off. He is fined by the league.
Timberwolves at Wizards: The city is still buzzing about Paul Pierce's TED talk.
Heat at Nets: Chris Bosh finally decides to be Miami's best player.
Warriors at Grizzlies: Tayshaun Prince takes off his warm-ups and is totally naked. He declines to be institutionalized.
Jazz at Pelicans: Pelicans are not jazz.
Mavericks at Knicks: The Mavericks use "Knick" as an obscenity.
Thunder at Kings: Reggie Evans explodes for 12 points.
Suns at Hornets: The Suns are allowed to put in six players when the Morris Brothers squeeze into one uniform.
Hawks at Cavaliers: The Hawks put Jefferson and Millsap on LeBron so he becomes a willing three-point shooter.
Magic at Celtics: Celtics organist plays Heart's "Magic Man" all night without irony
Mavericks at Pistons: Monta Ellis hits a game-winning jumper then wonders if maybe he should've been a chef.
Jazz at Heat: Reggie Williams chants himself to sleep.
Nets at Raptors: Bojan Bogdanovic calls himself "an overpaid loser," Deron Williams comforts him.
Grizzlies at Spurs: The two teams that every other team has trouble with cause big trouble for each other.
Bucks at Blazers: Flush with success, Brandon Knight decides to play wearing a death mask.
Pacers at Clippers: The Clippers have to call timeout when Chris Paul can't stop laughing.
Rockets at Nuggets: James Harden gets a steal which, surprisingly, happens all the time.
Knicks at Bulls: ESPN markets this game as the latest chapter in an epic rivalry.
Pelicans at Rockets: Tyreke Evans comes out of retirement for one last heroic act.
Bucks at Kings: Ersan Ilyasova channels Andy Warhol.
Thunder at Warriors: Leandro Barbosa talks mad shit to Kevin Durant, who may or may not be active.
Jazz at Magic: The Magic adopt Heart's "Magic Man" as their entrance music.
Hornets at Sirs: The Sirs accidentally play the Pelicans.
Timberwolves at Celtics: Andrew Wiggins finally figures it all out.
Nets at Cavaliers: Mikhail Prokhorov sells the Nets to LeBron James but only after a blowout victory that no one saw coming.
Raptors at Pistons: Toronto puts the rap in Raptors and Drake misses the whole thing. Tensions brew.
Wizards at Heat: John Wall becomes a superstar
Bulls at Grizzlies: Joakim Noah gets angry at me for not mentioning him yet.
Blazers at Spurs: LaMarcus Aldridge punks Tim Duncan.
Clippers at Nuggets: DeAndre Jordan's dance craze comes back to haunt him.
Thunder at Lakers: An undisclosed Thunder player shows up dusted and has the game of his life.
Suns at Knicks: This game will be nationally televised for all the wrong reasons.
Blazers at Pelicans: Anthony Davis makes the MVP award a three-man race.
Jazz at Hornets: Dante Exum has to fly coach and it really motivates him.
Hawks at Rockets: Finally, the Rockets acknowledge Big Moe's contributions to the city of Houston.
Spurs at Mavericks: Dirk and Duncan share weight loss tips.
Pacers at Nuggets: Nate Robinson's X-rated slumber party overshadows the game.
Bucks at Clippers: "We're named after a boat? I fucking hate boats!" - Glen "Big Baby" Davis
Knicks at Raptors: James Dolan asks if they can trade Kyle Lowry.
Grizzlies at Cavaliers: Honest question: How will the Cavs match up against the Grizzlies?
Lakers at Kings: It takes Shaq three quarters to feel a little conflicted.
Pistons at Nets: Andre Drummond blocks his own free throw.
Celtics at Heat: Brad Stevens gets so worked up that he forgets to return a library book.
Sirs at Magic: Nerlens Noel's hair is charged with a foul.
Suns at Wizards: The Suns taste sweet victory by using a five-guard line-up.
Pacers at Timberwolves: Jumbotron video of Ricky Rubio singing "Where Did Our Love Go?" does not go over well.
Pelicans at Thunder: Eric Gordon sighting.
Nuggets at Hornets: This Ty Lawson-Kemba Walker point guard battle should be a good one.
Raptors at Bulls: Tom Thibodeau unleashes Weapon X, James Johnson's alter ego.
Blazers at Rockets: Damian Lillard reenacts his playoffs game-winner over and over again until it gets old.
Jazz at Grizzlies: Derrick Favors does very little to earn his new nickname, "Party Favors"
Hawks at Mavericks: Jae Crowder refuses to take no for an answer.
Clippers at Spurs: Kevin Durant makes a crank call during this preview of the Western Conference Finals.
Kings at Warriors: Michael Malone pulls aside Steve Kerr to ask him how he got so many good players on his team.
Timberwolves at Cavaliers: The Andrew Wiggins Vindication Showcase is the most talked about game since when Miami LeBron came back to trounce Cleveland.
Pelicans at Pacers: Paul George eats a sandwich.
Celtics at Magic: Two teams that will probably make a trade at some point lock horns.
Bulls at Wizards: This regular season contest is decided by a Derrick Rose-John Wall foot race.
Clippers at Hawks: The Hawks win and remind everyone that they've got something to say.
Nuggets at Nets: Are you there God? It's me, JaVale McGee.
Sirs at Heat: Sam Hinkie announces that this is the roster he plans to win a championship with.
Hornets at Bucks: Jabari Parker doesn't just get selfish, he gets even (with O.J. Mayo).
Blazers at Thunder: Kevin Durant and LaMarcus Aldridge briefly guard each other, setting off an intense intra-Longhorn beef that will threaten the stability of the entire NBA.
Mavericks at Suns: Chandler Parsons has so much fun he asks to be traded to Phoenix.
Warriors at Lakers: This one will be a much-needed bloodbath.
Wizards at Knicks: One of the Knicks' recent acquisitions carries the team and proves everyone in New York right forever and ever.
Thunder at Spurs: Some games are too serious to joke about.
Cavaliers at Heat: Absolutely no one roots for the Heat to get revenge.
Lakers at Bulls: Carlos Boozer decides to show Julius Randle and his old team a thing or two. He fails on both counts.
Warriors at Clippers: This half-court slugfest defies all expectations.
Nets at Celtics: For Throwback Night, the Nets pretend they still play in New Jersey.
Cavaliers at Magic: Elfrid Payton shuts down Kyrie Irving.
Bucks at Hawks: You will watch this on a Friday night and have an existential crisis.
Pacers at Pistons: Brandon Jennings guarantees he'll top his career high and falls four points short.
Rockets at Grizzlies: The Rockets shoot so many threes that, like man discovering fire, the Grizzlies decide to try it.
Spurs at Pelicans: Anthony Davis single-handedly neutralizes the best team in the league.
Hornets at Thunder: Reggie Jackson owns this one.
Lakers at Mavericks: Kobe Bryant accuses Bernard James of humblebrag.
Timberwolves at Nuggets: Thaddeus Young runs out the shot clock on a spin move.
Sirs at Blazers: Chris Kaman accuses all the Sirs of identity theft.
Suns at Kings: Kings announcer Jerry Reynolds cracks himself up with a Beatles joke.
Raptors at Clippers: The Clippers settle their years-long legal battle with Microsoft.
Magic at Hornets: Channing Frye totally sabotages Al Jefferson's ticket giveaway night. Jefferson is not amused.
Celtics at Wizards: Just to be a dick, Paul Pierce gives an interview about wanting to retire as a Wizard.
Grizzlies at Heat: Jon Leuer does a great job on Josh McRoberts and impresses a lot of important people.
Pelicans at Bulls: John Salmons pulls Austin Rivers aside and Ghost of Christmas Futures him.
Pacers at Nets: Joe Johnson has the first highlight-worthy play of his long and storied career.
Hawks at Bucks: Johnny O'Bryant III sells his likeness to Parker Brothers.
Sirs at Jazz: Here comes a blog post comparing Dante Exum's game to Divine Comedy.
Knicks at Kings: DeMarcus Cousins goes for 35 and 15, James Dolan tries to sign him as a free agent.
Timberwolves at Warriors: Ricky Rubio swishes an attempted alley-oop from way downtown. Jumper solved!
Pistons at Cavaliers: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope calls out LeBron James for underachieving in the name department.
Rockets at Spurs: The Rockets continue to engage in unrequited rivalry.
Thunder at Mavericks: Mavericks win, world begins to take them seriously.
Knicks at Blazers: Will Barton gets so turnt that a car alarm goes off.
Raptors at Nuggets: Danilo Gallinari roasts the team that drafted Andrea Bargnani.
Suns at Lakers: Kobe spends the whole game looking for a mismatch that only he can comprehend.
Bucks at Hornets: Jason Kidd admits that the Bucks depth chart is a Möebius Strip.
Bulls at Pacers: Metta World Peace flies back from China to sing the Canadian national anthem.
Kings at Nets: Deron Williams gets cocky, spends the whole game trying to figure out if the team is basketball nets or fishing nets.
Magic at Heat: Florida's two NBA franchises get together and spawn a third.
Wizards at Rockets: John Wall accuses Patrick Beverley of witchcraft.
Jazz at Clippers: In a silent protest against what his life has become, Enes Kanter changes his jersey to an imaginary number.
Pistons at Magic: The Pistons refuse to play in Michigan.
Cavaliers at Hawks: The scouting report on Migos is leaked, the mood is tense in Philips Arena.
Nets at Bulls: Prokhorov sits in the nosebleeds.
Spurs at Grizzlies: Gregg Popovich tells Zach Randolph he could never be a Spur, mostly because he calls pool "billiards."
Suns at Pelicans: Gerald Green ushers in a new age of global harmony by doing a Euro step in mid-air.
Wizards at Mavericks: Gilbert Arenas retires his own jersey. On the road.
Lakers at Nuggets: Julius Randle admits he was wrong.
Timberwolves at Jazz: Anthony Bennett gets braces and immediately turns things around.
Raptors at Blazers: Jonas Valanciunas joins Dead Moon.
Sirs at Warriors: David Lee discovers that his last name had an extra "E" before Ellis Island.
Kings at Celtics: Cheerios are poison.
Heat at Pacers: What a difference a year makes.
Knicks at Clippers: The Knicks lose a basketball game and a nation weeps.
Hornets at Rockets: Michael Kidd-Gilchrist changes his name to MKG, calls it "a Soviet thing, …you wouldn't understand"
Bucks at Cavaliers: John Henson breaks down midgame, crying "I just want to be tall!"
Pelicans at Spurs: Gregg Popovich stops drinking coffee, has to adjust.
Suns at Thunder: Russell Westbrook says what everybody else is thinking about the Suns. He may be right.
Nuggets at Bulls: Taj Gibson wonders if any other team will ever love him.
Kings at Timberwolves: Gorgui Dieng tells his teammates that he wants to emulate Dikembe Mutombo, except with amusement parks not hospitals.
Cavaliers at Hornets: The Cavaliers win the opening quarter by a score of 5-0.
Nets at Magic: Victor Oladipo takes Kevin Garnett's advice, starts meditating.
Mavericks at Celtics: Rick Carlisle screens Coal Miner's Daughter before the game.
Pistons at Knicks: The Pistons and Knicks have a group hug after the final buzzer.
Rockets at Pelicans: A beat writer thinks he spots a copy of The Final Call in James Harden's locker.
Wizards at Thunder: Kendrick Perkins goes vegetarian and never looks back.
Pacers at Bucks: In the Pacers locker room, C.J. Miles, C.J. Watson, and C.J. Fair decide to settle it once and for all.
Sirs at Suns: Eric Bledsoe smacks the living shit out of someone.
Hawks at Jazz: Due to public demand, Jeff Teague updates his iPhone operating system.
Raptors at Warriors: Are the Raptors the new Warriors? Find out tonight.
Grizzlies at Lakers: Kobe threatens to get a nose job.
Hornets at Magic: Al Jefferson's soulful baritone rules the day.
Celtics at Bulls: Marcus Smart gets tricked into an elaborate game of telephone.
Heat at Rockets: Chris Bosh makes the Rockets really regret not being able to sign him.
Jazz at Timberwolves: Flip Saunders is mad that no one notices his haircut.
Wizards at Spurs: The Spurs decide to tank the regular season so no one knows what to expect in the playoffs.
Grizzlies at Nuggets: Arron Afflalo really helps someone's fantasy team.
Hawks at Blazers: The Hawks set up a weightlifting station on the sidelines just in case.
Sirs at Clippers: Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan throw down a Chris Paul lob at the same damn time, life showers down on Venus.
Mavericks at Cavaliers: Kevin Love denounces all those who oppose him.
Kings at Pistons: Greg Monroe realizes his next move should be based around a run for office.
Nets at Heat: The Nets team barber resigns and the guys never really get over it.
Bucks at Knicks: Carmelo Anthony makes a major statement by wearing a production hoodie from The Knick.
Raptors at Suns: This game will be played in alphabetical order.
Pacers at Lakers: The Pacers bring back their 1977 disco anthem "Keepin' the Pace."
Cavaliers at Sirs: The Cavs annex the Sirs.
Hornets at Celtics: Brian Qvale learns Yiddish.
Mavericks at Nets: Richard Jefferson jumps over his demons.
Rockets at Bulls: Trevor Ariza tells reporters all about werewolves.
Knicks at Grizzlies: The Grizzlies reign supreme as the Spurs of troubled players, send a care package to J.R. Smith.
Nuggets at Timberwolves: Wilson Chandler stays healthy.
Wizards at Pelicans: Pierre the Pelican does a striptease as the entire city looks on in absolute horror.
Pacers at Jazz: Why are there so many people on the Jazz that I've never heard of?
Lakers at Blazers: Yet again, the entire city of Portland comes together to support the Blazers in a completely ordinary game.
Thunder at Warriors: A game so monumental that it's placed in the National Film Registry.
Hawks at Clippers: The Hawks unleash their new vicious sound effect.
Suns at Bucks: Micheal Eric gets a last name for his birthday.
Pistons at Spurs: Austin Daye finally gets to do an HEB ad.
Pelicans at Hornets: Pelicans hold a press conference to admit that they wish they were still called the Hornets.
Rockets at Cavaliers: Terrence Jones runs the offense down the stretch.
Bucks at Sirs: Giannis Antetokounmpo grows another three inches.
Knicks at Wizards: The Knicks have no answer for John Wall.
Grizzlies at Hawks: Vince Carter pulls out that one dunk a year that reminds us he's still technically Vince Carter.
Celtics at Nets: Avery Bradley gets shit for really, really liking the music of Amy Winehouse.
Jazz at Bulls: Kirk Hinrich tries out being a finesse player and sort of likes it.
Pistons at Mavericks: Tyson Chandler wears a pair of cowboy boots and totally can't pull it off.
Magic at Nuggets: Rocky the Mountain Lion finally goes a little too far.
Suns at Timberwolves: Jeff Hornacek shows blank game film.
Thunder at Kings: Serge Ibaka and Rudy Gay compare horoscopes.
Pacers at Warriors: Jim Barnett continues his lifelong crusade against the octopus.
Lakers at Clippers: Lakers win this moral battle, spend the rest of the season celebrating with iron tears.
Hornets at Raptors: A backcourt of DeMar DeRozan and Louis Williams is surprisingly effective down the stretch.
Rockets at Knicks: The three-headed Iman Shumpert bobblehead does not go over well.
Heat at Blazers: Erik Spoelstra puts a bounty on Robin Lopez's hair, has to explain at halftime that he was just kidding.
Celtics at Pacers: The Pacers realize that without Lance Stephenson, their book club isn't worth it.
Sirs at Nets: Andrei Kirilenko's wife cheats on him.
Hawks at Pistons: Joe Dumars sneaks into the arena.
Jazz at Thunder: Scott Brooks finds inner peace.
Bulls at Wizards: John Wall becomes only the third player in NBA history to hit his career high in points against the Bulls.
Grizzlies at Pelicans: Nature takes its course.
Timberwolves at Bucks: Molten cheese is spilled over the crowd during a timeout. They fucking love it.
Suns at Spurs: The Suns are so vulnerable that the Spurs can't figure out how to exploit their vulnerabilities.
Nuggets at Kings: Mike Malone suffers a crisis of confidence.
Cavaliers at Warriors: Kyrie Irving and Stephen Curry hold a joint press conference to address the elephant in the room.
Magic at Lakers: The Lakers consider this one a must-win.
Hornets at Knicks: apropos of nothing, the Daily News tries to stir up trouble with a "Horny Hornets" back page.
Mavericks at Clippers: TMZ catches Brandan Wright counting out quarters on the bench.
Nets at Pistons: Brandon Jennings blasts Badfinger in the locker room.
Pacers at Sirs: David West threatens to go AWOL if Indiana loses this one.
Celtics at Raptors: Gerald Wallace continues to be impressed by Toronto, Canada's most cosmopolitan city.
Bucks at Bulls: Tom Thibodeau jokes to reporters about Bucks and Bulls mating, is promptly forbidden from attempting any unscripted humor.
Jazz at Rockets: Gordon Hayward figures out that Derrick Favors makes almost as much as he does.
Spurs at Timberwolves: Shabazz Muhammad dedicates a park before the game, is really feeling himself as a result.
Magic at Blazers: Ben.
Wizards at Hawks: No Wizards player will admit to being an actual wizard.
Heat at Clippers: Jamal Crawford with another bit of magical realism.
Suns at Grizzlies: Zach Randolph burps.
Cavaliers at Kings: LeBron James drops 50.
Blazers at Lakers: Kobe Bryant regrets his purchase of a new laptop, takes it out on the Trail Blazers.
Pelicans at Celtics: Come on everybody, it's time to play the Russ Smith drinking game!
Rockets at Nets: Someone is hurt so Francisco Garcia has his one good game of the season.
Pistons at Raptors: Pistons show up in Toronto determined to start a rivalry.
Magic at Bulls: Pau Gasol lulls the Magic into a dream-like state.
Timberwolves at Pacers: Rodney Stuckey takes over the game, signaling that Indiana is a failed basketball state.
Hawks at Sirs: Joel Embiid reads "The Tortoise and the Hare" to the crowd before the game. Sam Hinkie is pleased.
Spurs at Wizards: Tim Duncan brags that he's the real wizard, Washington players don't object one bit.
Cavaliers at Suns: Shawn Marion takes tap-dancing lessons and it shows.
Warriors at Jazz: The Jazz surprise everyone by beating the Warriors. The Jazz are full of surprises.
Mavericks at Kings: DeMarcus Cousins has trouble with Tyson Chandler in the first half.
Heat at Lakers: Networks hype up Dwyane Wade vs. Kobe Bryant and melancholia takes hold.
Spurs at Hornets: Lance Stephenson pretends that he's never heard of Tony Parker.
Rockets at Magic: Nikola Vucevic stretches the floor until it hurts.
Grizzlies at Nets: Mike Conley is better than Deron Williams.
Pelicans at Pistons: Anthony Davis dominates the entire Pistons frontcourt.
Sirs at Raptors: When Drake is not included in the recording of the novelty song "Raptors Rap," that relationship starts to sour.
Wizards at Bulls: A preview of a playoff series.
Hawks at Celtics: I finally give in and make a joke about John Jenkins the Blue Note-era saxophonist.
Mavericks at Nuggets: Devin Harris gets back in touch with his sensitive side.
Heat at Warriors: Klay Thompson falls out of a stagecoach.
Clippers at Blazers: Chris Paul buys a second home in Portland just to fuck with Damian Lillard.
Knicks at Bucks: This is a double-overtime game that everybody will resent having to stay up to watch.
Thunder at Rockets: Dwight Howard forgets to have a good game.
Cavaliers at Lakers: Kobe admits LeBron is better than him, then collapses in nervous laughter.
Pistons at Pacers: The Pacers commemorate The Brawl with a Kabuki reenactment. It draws rave reviews.
Grizzlies at Magic: Victor Oladipo tries to sell Zach Randolph a used iPad.
Pelicans at Sirs: Michael Carter-Williams has grown a recovery beard.
Nets at Wizards: Andre Miller becomes the first player to get an assist in every decade.
Bulls at Celtics: Gerald Wallace starts spouting off conspiracy theories. Rajon Rondo shuts him down with "I am the conspiracy."
Hawks at Raptors: Raptors win, Terrence Ross proclaims that "Damn right Hawks are raptors!"
Warriors at Thunder: Andrew Bogut gets audited, responds with a monster jam.
Nuggets at Mavericks: Dirk Nowitzki gets a tattoo of Randy Johnson.
Blazers at Spurs: LaMarcus Aldridge asks Tim Duncan for his autograph, gets turned down.
Timberwolves at Suns: The Dragic Brothers drop a mixtape with really high sound quality.
Lakers at Jazz: Trey Burke asks Doris Burke if they're related.
Heat at Kings: Danny Granger marries a skeleton.
Cavaliers at Clippers: Jordan Farmar and David Blatt share an emotional photo-op.
Pacers at Hornets: All eyez on Lance Stephenson and he throws the game.
Sirs at Pistons: Luc Richard Mbah a Moute takes a night off on defense because why bother?
Hawks at Bulls: Paul Millsap enters the game on a riding mower.
Warriors at Rockets: Jason Terry can't spell Kostas Papanikolaou and neither can Donatas Motiejunas.
Blazers at Grizzlies: Marc Gasol makes Joel Freeland cry.
Wizards at Nets: Mason Plumlee takes an ice pack to the groin, immediately goes on vacation.
Timberwolves at Nuggets: Andrew Wiggins discovers that he doesn't need oxygen to survive.
Clippers at Kings: Chris Paul starts for both teams and the Clippers still win.
Pelicans at Raptors: Jimmer Fredette gets locked in the bathroom.
Thunder at Magic: Nick Collison falls in love with Central Florida, buys a lot of property.
Jazz at Spurs: Jeremy Evans makes a YouTube video about winning the dunk contest.
Timberwolves at Hornets: Kevin Martin takes the lead in the scoring title race.
Sirs at Wizards: Joel Embiid gets a pet cat.
Pistons at Hawks: Caron Butler officially resigns his post as veteran-in-residence.
Celtics at Clippers: Chris Paul and Rajon Rondo become blood brothers.
Nuggets at Warriors: A high-scoring affair is had by all.
Mavericks at Grizzlies: Chandler Parsons and Dirk Nowitzki combine for 15 points and the Mavericks still win.
Pacers at Rockets: Chris Copeland cuts off all his hair and gets mistaken for Danny Green.
Pelicans at Knicks: Omer Asik has to miss the game after injuring himself ice skating.
Bulls at Cavaliers: Joakim Noah changes his opinion of Cleveland after being taken by John Morton on a pre-game tour of the city's finest art galleries.
Raptors at Bucks: Reserve Bucks center Micheal Eric uses a Dyson Airblade.
Kings at Blazers: Ray McCallum and Ben McLemore finally give up on their campaign to be called 'Mickey 3s'".
Lakers at Suns: Ed Davis has a solid game off the bench.
Thunder at Heat: Luol Deng glares at Mario Chalmers.
Spurs at Nuggets: Matt Bonner debuts his new handlebar moustache.
Heat at Hornets: Gary Neal makes his presence felt.
Jazz at Cavaliers: Alec Burks starts thinking that playing with a guard named Burke might be affecting his name recognition.
Knicks at Sirs: What should be an exciting regional rivalry game ends up being a total dud.
Pacers at Hawks: Rodney Stuckey gets T'ed up for jawing with Jermaine Dupri.
Magic at Pistons: Jacque Vaughn cites Josh Smith as a cautionary tale in a heart-to-heart with Aaron Gordon.
Raptors at Grizzlies: James Johnson finally figures out how to integrate his martial arts training into basketball. Wait until you see it. It's pretty cool.
Mavericks at Timberwolves: Old-man tricks prevail over springy young legs. Winter is here.
Lakers at Pelicans: Wayne Ellington is honored by the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Foundation for having such a jazzy name.
Thunder at Wizards: President Obama attends the game wearing a custom Kevin Durant Wizards jersey and is fined for tampering.
Blazers at Suns: Steve Blake checks out retirement communities in Mesa.
Nets at Kings: Bossip reveals that Jarrett Jack is dating Solange.
Rockets at Warriors: Harrison Barnes pays Stephen Curry $1,000 to let him wear #30 for one game in tribute to former Rocket Harry Barnes.
Spurs at Bulls: Aaron Brooks provides valuable scoring and ballhandling off the bench.
Jazz at Bucks: Gordon Hayward feels at home back in the Midwest.
Celtics at Blazers: Allen Crabbe tries to make the "Crabbe dribble" a thing.
Nets at Clippers: Reggie Bullock plays solid defense and hits a couple timely 3s.
Raptors at Sirs: Dwane Casey's halftime speech invokes the 1,044th anniversary of the defeat of the war elephant corps of the Southern Han at Shao.
Thunder at Hawks: Kendrick Perkins cracks a smile.
Hornets at Cavaliers: Michael Jordan travels to Cleveland for the game and has his Ferrari shipped separately in case he needs to make a quick getaway.
Pacers at Heat: David West wears a special weighted warm-up jacket during shootaround.
Magic at Knicks: Moe Harkless is extra pumped up for this one.
Bulls at Mavericks: Ricky Ledo tells people that he's going by Ric now.
Pelicans at Timberwolves: Ryan Anderson makes a late push for All-Star consideration.
Lakers at Spurs: Popovich sits all of the starters, and Austin Daye scores 36 points.
Celtics at Nuggets: Marcus Thornton wears glasses to the arena and is stopped by a group of autograph-seeking fans who all mistake him for Von Miller.
Rockets at Suns: Daryl Morey gets Ralph Sampson to wear a suit and sit next to him looking stern, but he's no Alonzo Mourning.
Kings at Warriors: Reggie Evans makes things awkward.
Knicks at Hornets: Shane Larkin goes vegan.
Pistons at Bucks: Brandon Jennings plays the game wearing a turtleneck, prompting a rule change.
Sirs at Grizzlies: After watching the Big Star documentary on the plane, Brandon Davies is bummed to find out the original TGI Fridays is no longer there.
Nets at Jazz: Steve Novak buys a tube amp, can't stop telling people how warm it sounds.
Wizards at Blazers: C.J. McCollum jokes to a reporter that the team is just looking to get back in the "win McCollum".
Heat at Bulls: Joakim Noah plays enthusiastic defense and makes smart passes.
Thunder at Cavaliers: The MVP race starts now.
Clippers at Suns: P.J. Tucker discovers CrossFit.
Mavericks at Pelicans: Ivan Johnson tweets about killing a real-life pelican and gets questioned by the United States Fish and Wildlife Service.
Timberwolves at Hawks: Thabo Sefolosha wistfully remembers when he used to get compared to Scottie Pippen.
Pacers at Magic: Kyle O'Quinn publishes a crime novel, doesn't need a pen name.
Bucks at Spurs: O.J. Mayo and Jerryd Bayless form a secret society.
Pistons at Raptors: Tyler Hansbrough loses both contact lenses, shoots his free throws with his eyes closed.
Celtics at Warriors: James Young decides Bart sounds cool and changes his name.
Wizards at Nuggets: Nene goes by his old house just to see what they did with the landscaping. He approves.
Rockets at Lakers: Clint Capela is super excited to see both Clint Eastwood and Clint Dempsey sitting courtside.
Blazers at Nets: Will Barton goes sneaker shopping.
Kings at Knicks: Ray McCallum earns Spike Lee's grudging respect.
Magic at Grizzlies: Nikola Vucevic dominates the Grizzlies' frontcourt.
Sirs at Pelicans: Sirs forward Arnett Moultrie is named an honorary New Orleanian solely on the basis of his name.
Timberwolves at Thunder: Russell Westbrook is enraged when Zach LaVine shows up to the arena wearing the same shirt.
Celtics at Jazz: Quin Snyder has a bad hair day.
Nuggets at Clippers: The Nuggets and Clippers set an NBA record for most alley-oops in a game. Strangely, none are to Blake Griffin.
Raptors at Pacers: Tip-off is delayed by 20 minutes when Roy Hibbert's cat gets out of the locker room.
Cavaliers at Pistons: Kyle Singler and Kevin Love go to Dave & Buster's, win lots of prizes.
Bucks at Heat: Norris Cole says something unkind to Nate Wolters.
Grizzlies at Mavericks: Nick Calathes debuts his new hair plugs.
Bulls at Warriors: Nikola Mirotic shows up to the arena wearing corpse paint and a chainmail vest. He declines to be institutionalized.
Wizards at Lakers: John Wall is cast in the role of John McClane in the remake of Die Hard.
Blazers at Cavaliers: Joel Freeland and Meyers Leonard go to a tanning salon together and then go get their hair cut. Neither plays in the game.
Pistons at Sirs: Tony Wroten adopts a stretch of I-76.
Nets at Hawks: Paul Millsap is still underrated.
Kings at Raptors: Lou Williams tries to bring back short shorts.
Mavericks at Rockets: Dwight Howard gives Kostas Papanikolaou a nickname.
Celtics at Timberwolves: Kevin Martin wonders what happened to the Snorg Tees girl.
Nuggets at Pelicans: Arron Afflalo gets under Tyreke Evans's skin--literally.
Thunder at Knicks: Quincy Acy and Steven Adams get into a shoving match, then talk after the game about how much they respect each other.
Hornets at Spurs: P.J. Hairston loves him some brisket.
Clippers at Jazz: Jamal Crawford gets assessed a technical foul for having too much swag.
Wizards at Suns: Shavlik Randolph takes a pottery class.
Bucks at Magic: Laron Profit gets reprimanded after telling Evan Fournier to "stop looking so goddamn French all the time."
Nuggets at Grizzlies: Timofey Mozgov dunks on Kosta Koufos so hard it redefines the verb "to Mozgov."
Knicks at Pacers: Cole Aldrich is surprised to find out that Damjan Rudez isn't Hispanic.
Bulls at Lakers: Pau Gasol stops by the Walt Disney Concert Hall, decides it's not as cool as the Jay Pritzker Pavilion.
Timberwolves at Sirs: Thaddeus Young feels bad for the Sirs, takes it easy on them.
Blazers at Hawks: Terry Stotts puts his undergraduate zoology degree to good use as he figures out how to tame the Hawks.
Rockets at Celtics: Jared Sullinger gets into artisanal baking.
Raptors at Nets: Brook Lopez tries talking trash, pedantically tells DeMar DeRozan his name means "rubbing the sea'".
Kings at Cavaliers: Brendan Haywood nicknames Joe Harris "Chillin" after his hometown of Chelan, WA and his laid-back demeanor.
Clippers at Pelicans: Austin Rivers reads Greek mythology to psych himself up.
Mavericks at Heat: Dirk Nowitzki hasn't forgotten. He'll never forget.
Warriors at Jazz: Andre Iguodala starts wearing scarves.
Bulls at Suns: Anthony Tolliver cancels his cable and commits to reading more.
Kings at Pacers: Solomon Hill wears a three-piece tweed suit.
Mavericks at Magic: Willie Green gives Victor Oladipo some sage veteran advice.
Raptors at Wizards: Andre Miller and Paul Pierce trade old L.A. playground stories well into the night.
Sirs at Hawks: Jeff Teague records an album of Radiohead songs played on the kazoo.
Rockets at Pistons: Stan Van Gundy tells Spencer Dinwiddie he has a "big man name" and asks him to start posting up more.
Thunder at Grizzlies: Talib Zanna sees his first meaningful action of the season.
Cavaliers at Timberwolves: Kevin Love blocks Ronny Turiaf and turns to give a maniacal grin to Glen Taylor.
Blazers at Bucks: Wesley Matthews goes back to his old college hangout and remarks on how young everyone looks.
Hornets at Nuggets: Cody Zeller grows a beard.
Clippers at Spurs: Hedo Turkoglu checks in during the second quarter to mild applause from Spurs fans.
Suns at Warriors: P.J. Tucker drags Isaiah Thomas to the CrossFit box. Isaiah destroys Grace.
Lakers at Knicks: Kobe has so many chips on his shoulder about this game, he gets a headache and has to sit down.
Heat at Celtics: Udonis Haslem is the only one who thinks this is still a rivalry.
Sirs at Cavaliers: Leading scorer for the game: Matthew Dellavedova.
Hornets at Wizards: Bradley Beal starts getting into single malt scotch.
Clippers at Nets: Spencer Hawes decides to start saying, "crikey."
Bucks at Raptors: Prince William sits courtside and huffily refuses to pose in a Khris Middleton Bucks jersey.
Hawks at Pelicans: Adreian Payne publishes a children's book.
Magic at Thunder: Perry Jones III shows flashes.
Timberwolves at Mavericks: Darrell Armstrong tries to get Al-Farouq Aminu to start drinking coffee during halftime.
Grizzlies at Suns: Beno Udrih tearfully admits he doesn't know how to Euro step.
Nuggets at Sirs: JaVale McGee is the world's forgotten boy.
Heat at Pistons: Danny Granger gets into probiotics.
Celtics at Knicks: James Young goes to the NBA store, tries to get free socks.
Jazz at Blazers: Robin Lopez tries to get the Trail Blazers to play Deerhoof's "Basket Ball Get Your Groove Back" before games.
Warriors at Kings: Brandon Rush and Jason Thompson get in a heated argument about whether Sacramento is in the Bay Area.
Pistons at Pacers: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope asks Caron Butler if he remembers when the Pistons were based in Fort Wayne.
Wizards at Hawks: John Wall stays up all night wondering if Randy Wittman truly understands him.
Nuggets at Celtics: Rookie Jusuf Nurkic gets a tattoo on the back of his neck that says, "Nurkic."
Nets at Raptors: Chuck Hayes invests in an organic pickling company.
Bulls at Rockets: Rockets reserve guard Troy Daniels releases a country album.
Lakers at Bucks: Nick Young visits the Milwaukee Art Museum, discovers he likes German Expressionism.
Heat at Timberwolves: James Ennis makes Dwyane Wade look bad.
Thunder at Pelicans: After receiving an Omer Asik elbow to the face, Nick Collison says, "Fuck this, I'm going to law school."
Magic at Spurs: The Spurs put on a clinic. Then, later that night, they soundly beat the Magic by playing fundamental basketball.
Grizzlies at Jazz: The Jazz call Brock "Dial Up" Motum up from the D-League.
Mavericks at Warriors: What you might expect to be an open, up-tempo affair ends up being quite grimy.
Wizards at Hornets: Kemba Walker is super pumped after listening to "Ante Up" on repeat on his way to the arena.
Clippers at Cavaliers: The Clippers come into Cleveland on a mission and blast the Cavs 123-101.
Mavericks at Kings: Rick Carlisle analogizes the Mavs to Keith Jarrett's American Quartet and tries to get Tyson Chandler to understand he's Charlie Haden, not Dewey Redman.
Suns at Blazers: Not even a visit from the Morris brothers can save Thomas Robinson from these doldrums.
Knicks at Nets: New York is already over it.
Cavaliers at Pacers: Frank Vogel comes up with a brilliant defensive scheme to deal with the Cavaliers, but can't figure out how to stop Shawn Marion.
Lakers at Magic: Ryan Kelly is disappointed to learn that the Mickey Mouse Club isn't an actual club.
Warriors at Hawks: Nemanja Nedovic fires his interpreter.
Sirs at Celtics: Elliot Williams enrolls in a MOOC.
Nuggets at Pistons: Greg Monroe picks Kenneth Faried's brain about what it's like to be an Olympian (yeah, we know).
Clippers at Raptors: Raptors fans sing a personalized song for Jonas Valanciunas to the tune of Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough."
Bucks at Rockets: Both teams play beautiful basketball.
Grizzlies at Timberwolves: Zach LaVine discovers the Paisley Underground and buys a Rickenbacker.
Pelicans at Thunder: Jrue Holiday and Eric Gordon begin to understand one another.
Jazz at Suns: Jeff Hornacek feels conflicted, but gets over it and coaches his team to victory.
Heat at Spurs: After a reporter asks if this is a Finals preview, Gregg Popovich just stares at him and pulls out his beard hairs one by one until everyone leaves.
Nets at Wizards: Drew Gooden shows he's got a little left in the tank.
Bulls at Pelicans: Nikola Mirotic plays his way into the starting lineup.
Warriors at Knicks: Tex Winter watches the game at home and sheds a tear.
Hornets at Sirs: The Sirs earn the dubious distinction of most blocks ever in a loss.
Blazers at Mavericks: Chris Kaman thinks about buying a ranch.
Celtics at Bucks: Jared Dudley plays the national anthem on the soprano saxophone.
Kings at Jazz: Rodney Hood is unhappy with his playing time.
Clippers at Thunder: Scott Brooks tries to downplay the importance of this game and accidentally implies Doc Rivers has gained weight.
Lakers at Cavaliers: Kevin Love and LeBron James both get double-digit assists just to fuck with Kobe.
Hawks at Grizzlies: Mike Budenholzer calls Dexter Pittman's number.
Pacers at Hornets: Noah Vonleh asks Marvin Williams where he buys his pants.
Timberwolves at Pistons: Josh Smith and Anthony Bennett compare notes.
Bulls at Magic: Tobias Harris: The Takeover.
Blazers at Rockets: Real recognize real.
Spurs at Raptors: Matt Bonner takes Danny Green and Patty Mills to his favorite dim sum place.
Suns at Kings: Remember that game last spring when Archie Goodwin scored 29 to Ben McLemore's 31? Well, this ain't that.
Spurs at Pacers: George Hill can't stay in front of Patty Mills, throwing the whole Pacers defense into disarray.
Warriors at Sirs: Healthy once again, Shaun Livingston gets a triple double, shows Michael Carter-Williams what it's all about.
Magic at Wizards: Marco Rubio visits the Magic locker room and receives a cold reception.
Knicks at Heat: Jeff Van Gundy announces the game, but gets bored and spends half the broadcast talking about the current season of "Homeland."
Nets at Bucks: Alan Anderson is psyched he found some New Glarus sours.
Hawks at Timberwolves: Kent Bazemore buys a new parka.
Jazz at Pelicans: Gordon Hayward can't figure out what to get his wife for Valentine's Day.
Clippers at Mavericks: Blake Griffin admits to Matt Barnes that when he goes to Subway, he usually orders a big salad.
Thunder at Nuggets: Ty Lawson and Kevin Durant get dressed up in specially made "Thuggets" uniforms and post funny pictures on Instagram.
Pistons at Hornets: Marvin Williams decides to pretend this game is a rematch of the 2005 NCAA title game between UNC and Michigan State.
Rockets at Suns: T.J. Warren earns a spot in the regular rotation.
Kings at Bulls: Still elated from the previous night's production of Tannhäuser at the Lyric Opera, Pau Gasol has a career night.
Nets at Grizzlies: Tony Allen buys a moped, throws a sweet kit on it.
Nuggets at Lakers: Jeremy Tyler is still so young.
Knicks at Magic: Cole Aldrich makes fun of Jason Smith for his short wingspan.
Hawks at Celtics: Mike Scott annoys/entertains his teammates by talking like Mayor Quimby.
Spurs at Pistons: Jonas Jerebko injures himself cross-country skiing.
Wizards at Raptors: Kevin Seraphin goes gluten free.
Kings at Bucks: Spencer Hawes scores some sweet oords at the Allen Edmonds outlet.
Warriors at Timberwolves: Chase Budinger is on this new awareness kick where he stares at shit and takes it all in.
Pacers at Pelicans: C.J. Miles wins the Terrence Ross Award for most random 40-point game of the season.
Grizzlies at Thunder: Reggie Jackson plays a key fourth-quarter role.
Heat at Cavaliers: Norris Cole bumps James Jones in the tunnel, and trust me, it's not an accident.
Jazz at Mavericks: Larry Brown attends the game, wears a smirk on his face the whole time.
Lakers at Blazers: Kobe hugs Steve Blake for so long it makes everyone uncomfortable.
Rockets at Clippers: Jordan Farmar gets lost on the way to the Staples Center, can't believe it.
Cavaliers at Bulls: Miffed that the Cavaliers are sitting their three All-Stars, Tom Thibodeau plays Jimmy Butler all 48 minutes.
All-Star Weekend: Rookies vs. Sophomores, Jabari Parker and Andrew Wiggins.
Rookies at Sophomores: Mitch McGary steals the show for the Rookies.
West All-Stars at East All-Stars: DeMar DeRozan tries to replicate T-Mac's off the backboard dunk, but accidentally throws the ball over the backboard.
Mavericks at Thunder: Tyson Chandler visits an urban farm.
Spurs at Clippers: The game within the game is whether Chris Douglas-Roberts can out-shifty Manu Ginobili.
Pelicans at Magic: Alexis Ajinca visits a petting zoo.
Pacers at Sirs: Jerami Grant tries wearing goggles during the game.
Raptors at Hawks: Patrick Patterson makes some key hustle plays.
Bulls at Pistons: Taj Gibson forgets to tie his shoes.
Heat at Knicks: J.R. Smith brings a giant picnic basket to MSG, loudly announces it's "cuz I plan to EAT tonight!"
Suns at Timberwolves: Alex Len starts figuring it out.
Cavaliers at Wizards: Rookie Alex Kirk admits that he's kind of scared of Marcin Gortat.
Rockets at Mavericks: James Harden does a lot of hard staring in this one.
Nuggets at Bucks: Jabari Parker waits in line for the iPhone 7.
Blazers at Jazz: Enes Kanter calls Mehmet Okur to ask him for relationship advice.
Celtics at Kings: Nik Stauskas keeps trying to dunk on Tyler Zeller because he's "whiter than I am."
Spurs at Warriors: Steve Kerr shows Gregg Popovich his new wine cellar.
Nets at Lakers: Xavier Henry shows up to the game noticeably thinner and tells the media that he spent All-Star Break fasting intermittently.
Thunder at Hornets: Bismack Biyombo calls Serge Ibaka a traitor.
Pelicans at Heat: Josh McRoberts is holding this Heat team together.
Suns at Bulls: Mike Dunleavy, Jr. tells Doug McDermott to stop stealing his moves.
Raptors at Rockets: Donatas Motiejunas gets fined for tie-dying his warm ups.
Kings at Clippers: Omri Casspi announces that he's back.
Cavaliers at Knicks: The New York Post runs the headline CLE-ANTHONY! after Carmelo Anthony and Cleanthony Early combine for 62 points in the win.
Hawks at Bucks: Marc Lasry asks, "We pay Larry Sanders how much again?"
Wizards at Pistons: Stan Van Gundy gets really hoarse.
Warriors at Pacers: Andrew Bogut buys Mr. Bean: The Ultimate Collection on Blu-Ray.
Sirs at Magic: Casper Ware is haunted by the legacy of Jameer Nelson.
Nuggets at Thunder: Ty Lawson and Kevin Durant put on silly costumes and prank-Skype Michael Beasley in China.
Hornets at Mavericks: The Hornets fire Steve Clifford and hire Charles Oakley as his replacement.
Grizzlies at Blazers: Jarnell Stokes earns Zach Randolph's trust.
Celtics at Lakers: Ronnie Price throws a shoe at Rajon Rondo from the bench.
Sirs at Heat: Luc Richard Mbah a Moute tries to organize a regular bridge game, gets no takers.
Bucks at Bulls: Derrick Rose and Jabari Parker get very earnest.
Timberwolves at Rockets: Decades from now, scientists will study footage of the Ricky Rubio/Patrick Beverley match up.
Raptors at Pelicans: Amir Johnson breaks out his dancing skills.
Nets at Nuggets: Quincy Miller poses match-up problems.
Celtics at Suns: P.J. Tucker PRs his Fran time.
Spurs at Jazz: Tim Duncan regales the local media with Karl Malone war stories.
Grizzlies at Clippers: Surprise, surprise--things get physical between Blake Griffin and Zach Randolph.
Warriors at Wizards: Draymond Green pays a visit to his Congressperson.
Cavaliers at Pistons: Kyle Singler tries to get LeBron to do a remake of the Bird/Jordan McDonald's commercial for his YouTube channel.
Pacers at Thunder: Anthony Morrow proves to be an incredibly valuable pick up.
Raptors at Mavericks: RZA attends the game and announces that he is donating $500,000 to help Ebola victims.
Heat at Magic: Ben Gordon tries to get people to call this "the Florida Derby."
Mavericks at Hawks: Charlie Villanueva reminds everyone that he exists.
Knicks at Celtics: Gerald Wallace paints his bedroom lime green.
Hornets at Bulls: Noah Vonleh sits on the bench with a legal pad taking notes, is surprised when he's asked to enter the game.
Clippers at Rockets: Nick Johnson becomes a fan favorite.
Sirs at Bucks: K.J. McDaniels stands out for the Sirs by looking like a normal basketball player.
Wizards at Timberwolves: Martell Webster insists he has no hard feelings toward Minnesota and that he just wants to play ball and work in his garden.
Nets at Pelicans: Jeff Withey begins a project to translate all of Ovid's love poetry.
Suns at Nuggets: Gary Harris and JaVale McGee begin work on their documentary Sons of the W.
Lakers at Jazz: Julius Randle dunks so viciously he breaks the EnergySolutions Arena's wireless network.
Grizzlies at Kings: Mike Malone gets a technical foul for raising his eyebrows too hard.
Spurs at Blazers: Tim Duncan pulls LaMarcus Aldridge close to him and whispers words of wisdom.
Warriors at Cavaliers: This is a fun one.
Thunder at Suns: Grant Jerrett gets double-teamed by the Morris twins and freaks out.
Cavaliers at Pacers: Paul George live tweets the game from the bench.
Wizards at Sirs: Bradley Beal is ready for a deep playoff run.
Magic at Hawks: Channing Frye thinks Devyn Marble is what he used for the countertops when he redid his kitchen.
Hornets at Celtics: Boston retailers sell out of Erik Murphy jerseys.
Knicks at Pistons: Tim Hardaway, Jr. rents a car and drives to Ann Arbor so he can give Spike Albrecht a noogie.
Warriors at Raptors: Raptors fans spend the entire fourth quarter chanting, "Bruuuuu-nooooo" and erupt in applause when Bruno Caboclo finally checks in during the last minute.
Timberwolves at Bulls: Corey Brewer screams, "Where's Ronnie now?" over and over, revealing just how much the "who's the best Brewer?" question has eaten at his soul.
Nets at Rockets: Sergey Karasev binge watches Deadwood and gets really confused about how English works.
Clippers at Grizzlies: Quincy Pondexter reminds everyone that there's no "I" in "team" nor in "Pondexter."
Heat at Pelicans: John Salmons buys a used Impala on eBay.
Jazz at Nuggets: Carrick Felix believes he always plays well in mountainous areas because Carrick means "rock" in Gaelic.
Spurs at Kings: Ryan Hollins tries to bring back mock turtlenecks.
Bucks at Lakers: Giannis Antetokounmpo does something no one has ever seen before.
Thunder at Blazers: Steven Adams is excited to find some quality traditional Japanese food in Portland.
Pistons at Wizards: Luigi Datome gets his picture taken in front of the Lincoln Memorial.
Hawks at Heat: One of the few things that brings Al Horford joy these days is playing the Miami Heat.
Raptors at Knicks: Landry Fields sleeps on Jeremy Lin's brother's friend's couch.
Grizzlies at Timberwolves: Courtney Lee is driving Tony Allen nuts with his Prince impressions.
Nets at Mavericks: Before the game, Richard Jefferson is seen watching highlights of himself in the 2003 playoffs on his Kindle Fire.
Spurs at Suns: Boris Diaw has had this game circled on his calendar for a long time, but only because he likes drawing circles around things.
Bucks at Jazz: Trevor Booker is ready to show those skinny motherfuckers what time it is.
Clippers at Bulls: Glen Davis is pumped that he got tickets for Next.
Thunder at Lakers: Steve Nash decides it would be fun to preview every single National Women's Soccer League game, but gives up after writing only eleven of them.
Blazers at Kings: Sim Bhullar celebrates a dunk by pulling up his jersey to reveal a stomach tattoo with the skyline of Sacramento and the words SIM CITY.
Warriors at Celtics: Harrison Barnes audits a class at Harvard on authentic leadership development.
Sirs at Pacers: Aley Shved takes George Hill off the dribble and then taunts him by making race-car noises all the way back down the court.
Hornets at Magic: In his first decisive action as coach of the Hornets, Charles Oakley starts both P.J. Hairston and Jason Maxiell.
Cavaliers at Rockets: Trevor Ariza brings his 2009 championship ring to the game, but accidentally leaves it in his car and decides it's not worth walking back to get it.
Pelicans at Nuggets: Anthony Davis and Kenneth Faried discover that Coach K sent them identical inspirational text messages prior to the game. Disheartened by his insincerity, they plot their revenge via an elaborate prank on Miles Plumlee.
Raptors at Sirs: Terrence Ross delights the crowd by taking a quarter off the top of the backboard and replacing it with a Canadian quarter.
Warriors at Nets: Bojan Bogdanovic admits he's never seen The Last Picture Show.
Suns at Heat: Jeff Hornacek tries to persuade referees that he's allowed to take free throws for a technical foul.
Clippers at Timberwolves: Chris Paul won't return Mo Williams's texts.
Pelicans at Mavericks: Russ Smith eats an entire rotisserie chicken during halftime.
Lakers at Hornets: Jordan Hill explains his erratic play by admitting that he was trying to do something that would make a cool GIF.
Celtics at Cavaliers: Brad Stevens debuts a new defensive strategy based in Riemannian geometry.
Rockets at Hawks: After Jeff Teague gets in early foul trouble, Dennis Schroeder takes advantage with a dominant performance down the stretch.
Wizards at Bulls: Before the game, Kirk Hinrich is seen watching highlights of himself in the 2005 playoffs on his Samsung Galaxy.
Jazz at Grizzlies: Marc Gasol is ejected from the game after punching Rudy Gobert in the balls.
Bucks at Nuggets: Kendall Marshall makes a pilgrimage to the location of the first Chipotle.
Knicks at Pacers: The Knicks start three point guards plus J.R. Smith, with Carmelo Anthony at center.
Suns at Magic: Channing Frye gets his own show on the Food Network.
Jazz at Celtics: Vitor Faverani tells assistant coach Walter McCarty to stop calling him Victor.
Hornets at Nets: The streets are abuzz after Lance Stephenson calls out Miles Plumlee in a vicious freestyle on Hot 97.
Cavaliers at Raptors: Greivis Vasquez is the unlikely hero as the Raptors pull out the victory at home.
Grizzlies at Rockets: Jon Leuer out Chandler Parsons Chandler Parsons.
Nuggets at Timberwolves: Gorgui Dieng supplants Nikola Pekovic as the Timberwolves' starting center.
Pistons at Pelicans: Luke Babbitt almost succeeds in convincing Austin Rivers that the Pistons are named after the composer Walter Piston.
Sirs at Thunder: Chris Johnson squeaks out a victory over Steven Adams in "most boring name" contest.
Lakers at Heat: After the game, Robert Sacre does a guest DJ set at Rony Seikaly's club night.
Kings at Spurs: Kyle Anderson gets his first start of the season and ties a franchise record for most assists in a quarter (14).
Bucks at Warriors: Kendall Marshall and John Henson both have bad games after staying up all night playing FIFA 15 at Harrison Barnes's condo.
Blazers at Clippers: LaMarcus Aldridge fails in his attempt to trademark "L.A."
Thunder at Bulls: Tony Snell and Kevin Durant require 11 minutes to disentangle their legs after an awkward baseline collision.
Mavericks at Blazers: Chandler Parsons drops some serious cash at the Pendleton store.
Raptors at Hornets: Landry Fields and Noah Vonleh get in a heated argument over whether raptors and hornets ever existed at the same time.
Bulls at Pacers: C.J. Fair decides to start going by his middle name Keith after getting mid up with C.J. Miles one time too many.
Kings at Magic: Luke Ridnour convinces the Magic to sign his old Duck teammate Luke Jackson to a 10-day contract. He outplays Rudy Gay and then disappears from the arena, never to be heard from again.
Jazz at Sirs: Brett Brown gets in Dante Exum's head by yelling Australian slang at him all game.
Cavaliers at Hawks: The Cavs locker room is tense after a Fear the Sword blog post shows that Kevin Love throws outlet passes to Dion Waiters twice as often as either LeBron or Kyrie Irving.
Suns at Nets: Melania Trump drags her husband to Brooklyn to watch the Dragic Brothers. Donald grumbles that he hates the circus.
Pistons at Rockets: There's a scary moment when Andre Drummond injures Dwight Howard during the opening tip.
Lakers at Grizzlies: Kobe Bryant angrily scores 52 points after his request for a pre-game sit-down with FedEx CEO Fred Smith is rebuffed.
Celtics at Pelicans: Rajon Rondo and Anthony Davis engage in an elaborate, almost mystical post-game handshake.
Heat at Wizards: Chris Andersen is fined after going on a rant about there being a Chinatown in the capital of the United States.
Nuggets at Spurs: The Spurs win 143-139 in what will turn out to be the highest-scoring game of the season.
Mavericks at Warriors: Monta Ellis goes 4-36 in a failed attempt at a revenge game. The Mavs win anyway, thanks to a stout defensive effort led by Tyson Chandler and Brandan Wright.
Grizzlies at Pelicans: Vince Carter debuts a new headband emblazoned with the words "TRUSTED VETERAN" in all caps.
Suns at Cavaliers: Phoenix runs to victory, causing LeBron to wonder if he lacked imagination.
Kings at Heat: Nik Stauskas wants to know where they film the Michael Bay movies.
Pacers at Knicks: Derek Fisher acts like he guarded Reggie Miller in those playoff series.
Hawks at Sirs: Pre-game workshops allow fans to trade Lou Williams stories in a safe place.
Blazers at Timberwolves: Steve Blake pronounces it "Tar-jay" Center.
Wizards at Bucks: Martell Webster and Marcin Gortat recreate that bit from Wayne's World, don't realize it's from Laverne & Shirley.
Rockets at Nuggets: Jeff Adrien needs help filling out his timesheet.
Bulls at Spurs: Derrick Rose unintentionally imitates Gregg Popovich.
Clippers at Warriors: Doc Rivers won't let Spencer Hawes go on Joe Lacob's objectivist leadership retreat.
Jazz at Nets: Toure' Murry declares Williamsburg "over."
Hornets at Pistons: Jodie Meeks and Bismack Biyombo accidentally wear the same outfit.
Celtics at Magic: Marcus Smart momentarily forgets which team drafted him.
Raptors at Thunder: The team bus takes Chuck Hayes to a farm and leaves him there.
Mavericks at Lakers: Carlos Boozer tells Mark Cuban he's his second favorite on Shark Tank after Lori.
Wizards at Hornets: A tearful DeJuan Blair reveals that his ACLs were stolen in 2001.
Kings at Hawks: Dennis Schroeder is converted into pure energy.
Celtics at Heat: The in-arena DJ only plays tracks from 2012. Mario Chalmers keeps saying he feels "like, so old," pissing off Danny Granger.
Grizzlies at Bulls: Marc and Pau Gasol forget to phone their parents.
Pelicans at Bucks: John Henson calls Nate Wolters "Coach."
Knicks at Nuggets: J.R. Smith starts referring to this matchup as his homecoming game.
Warriors at Suns: Leandro Barbosa brings a smile to everyone's face.
Timberwolves at Clippers: A suspiciously sensitive Corey Brewer tells everyone to quit with the Zune jokes.
Magic at Pacers: Rodney Stuckey pretty clearly took all his trash talk fodder from Wikipedia.
Pelicans at Nets: Everyone learns a valuable lesson about recycling.
Cavaliers at Mavericks: Dion Waiters scores 10 points in the first quarter, lets it go to his head for the next three weeks.
Raptors at Spurs: The front offices agree to become sister franchises.
Knicks at Jazz: Tim Hardaway Jr. sees himself as more of a Timothy.
Pistons at Lakers: Kyle Singler thinks Jack Nicholson wants to see his Bucket List.
Kings at Hornets: Ramon Sessions assumes the Bobcats failed as a business.
Bulls at Sirs: Sam Hinkie petitions the league office to make every contract a 10-day contract.
Grizzlies at Celtics: Courtney Lee walks his own autobiographical Freedom Trail.
Nets at Heat: David Stern shows up in shorts and flip-flops.
Magic at Bucks: This game defines the difference between tanking and rebuilding.
Clippers at Thunder: A joyous occasion that gets even better if you stop using it to predict the playoffs.
Hawks at Nuggets: The refs give everyone an extra foul just to see what it's like.
Timberwolves at Suns: P.J. Tucker turns the restricted area into a free speech zone.
Pistons at Warriors: Stan Van Gundy steals a random Tesla from the Oracle Arena parking lot.
Rockets at Blazers: Dwight Howard can't get enough of these donuts!
Bucks at Pacers: The race for 12th in the East is heating up.
Grizzlies at Wizards: Tragically, no one takes Jordan Adams seriously when he complains of losing feeling in his face.
Cavaliers at Spurs: Reggie Miller says "NBA Finals Preview" 76 times, "NBA Finals Pre-Shoe" twice.
Rockets at Jazz: James Harden tells Patrick Beverley he's trying too hard.
Knicks at Lakers: Kobe Bryant gifts Phil Jackson a book just to prove a point.
Bulls at Hornets: Doug McDermott can't play because he's allergic.
Kings at Sirs: Rudy Gay calls a reporter a "dweeb."
Magic at Celtics: Brad Stevens, tired of living a double life, shares his devotion to Wicca.
Heat at Raptors: "Who Wants To Sex Caboclo?" becomes the league's least tolerable meme.
Timberwolves at Thunder: Steven Adams burnishes his reputation as the league's new bad boy when Kendrick Perkins sends him to detention.
Clippers at Mavericks: Jamal Crawford dribbles out the last four minutes of the third quarter.
Warriors at Nuggets: Jusuf Nurkic brings a whole new meaning to the word "respect."
Hawks at Suns: Adreian Payne sinks a halfcourt shot to end the first half, wins a new car.
Pistons at Blazers: Robin Lopez swears he saw Matt Groening in the crowd.
Celtics at Pacers: Whoever wins, we lose.
Kings at Wizards: DeMarcus Cousins dedicates his performance to Jill Biden.
Nets at Sirs: Mason Plumlee won't shut up about what the forefathers would think.
Bucks at Grizzlies: Beno Udrih deserves an extra plate of ribs.
Pistons at Jazz: The official scorer misplaces the box score, uses one from 1997 instead.
Knicks at Warriors: Carmelo Anthony intentionally jumps into the crowd so he can network.
Bulls at Thunder: Derrick Rose accuses Kevin Durant of plagiarizing his MVP speech.
Rockets at Clippers: A 12-point win inspires false hope that the Rockets can challenge for a title.
Nuggets at Pelicans: Randy Foye and Tyreke Evans play a covert game of HORSE in the second quarter. They don't get past R.
Cavaliers at Magic: Luke Ridnour goes out of his way to tell David Blatt he supports Israel.
Timberwolves at Spurs: Aron Baynes wears his jersey over a dress shirt.
Blazers at Raptors: Joel Freeland has never been more arrogant.
Knicks at Suns: Walt Frazier turns "Zoran" and "Goran" into gerunds.
Hawks at Lakers: Kurt Rambis personally smacks any player who shoots a three-pointer.
Raptors at Pacers: Ian Mahinmi has never seen Jurassic Park.
Blazers at Wizards: Paul Pierce gives a PowerPoint presentation on what constitutes a playoff foul.
Sirs at Celtics: Michael Carter-Williams falls down real hard.
Nuggets at Grizzlies: Danilo Gallinari regrets not packing that extra pair of underwear.
Nets at Timberwolves: Kevin Garnett gains absolutely no perspective.
Cavaliers at Heat: LeBron James and Chris Bosh exchange firm handshakes.
Thunder at Mavericks: Monta Ellis and Russell Westbrook each finish with more than 30 points and 10 assists, inciting a holy war.
Hornets at Jazz: Kemba Walker's pre-game nap becomes legendary in the field of sleep studies.
Hawks at Kings: Thabo Sefolosha makes his assistant grab him Five Guys fries and an In-N-Out burger.
Lakers at Warriors: The Warriors retire Jeremy Lin's number at halftime so they can sell more jerseys.
Grizzlies at Pistons: Josh Harrellson enters a fugue state and carries the Pistons to victory.
Spurs at Knicks: Danny Green's meeting with the Anti-Defamation League goes terribly wrong when he complains about the size of his corned beef sandwich.
Magic at Rockets: Kyle O'Quinn is sick of all this pinching!
Bucks at Pelicans: Pierre the Pelican bites John Salmons on the leg.
Hornets at Clippers: Cody Zeller won't stop staring at Rihanna.
Nets at Cavaliers: Joe Johnson does retail therapy at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame gift shop.
Pistons at Sirs: Josh Smith calls DJ Augustin "basic."
Blazers at Heat: No one can tell Norris Cole what a Blazer is.
Timberwolves at Raptors: Andrew Wiggins's 26 points are counted toward Toronto's total.
Pacers at Bulls: The video tribute to Mike Dunleavy does not go over well.
Spurs at Bucks: Jabari Parker asks Tim Duncan for constructive criticism.
Celtics at Thunder: Scott Brooks forgets his glasses, just squints a lot.
Magic at Mavericks: Tobias Harris ushers in the NBA's singlet era.
Clippers at Kings: No one can follow Michael Malone's inspirational speech about his new pants.
Hawks at Warriors: Andrew Bogut is suspended for calling referees "the PC police."
Wizards at Jazz: ESPN's Jon Barry uses every Mark Jackson catchphrase at least once.
Timberwolves at Knicks: Fourteen fans arrive in custom Ricky Rubio Knicks jerseys.
Nuggets at Rockets: The game is delayed 30 minutes to accommodate the release of the latest Entourage trailer.
Pelicans at Suns: Eric Gordon's teammates hold an intervention after he wears way too many wristbands.
Jazz at Lakers: Julius Randle gets his sneakers shined.
Blazers at Magic: Meyers Leonard considers a timeshare.
Knicks at Sirs: Andrea Bargnani finds that smiles are contagious.
Bucks at Nets: Deron Williams unveils the world's worst mutton chops.
Pacers at Cavaliers: David West can't suppress the hurt any longer.
Nuggets at Heat: Erik Spoelstra turns "No Spoilers" into a rallying cry.
Raptors at Bulls: Taj Gibson sets a pick with possession of the ball.
Hawks at Thunder: Reggie Jackson abruptly pulls back on a 3-on-1 to propose to his girlfriend.
Grizzlies at Mavericks: Richard Jefferson fills in for an absent mop boy.
Celtics at Spurs: Marco Belinelli becomes an honorary Celtic.
Hornets at Kings: League Pass Alert!
Pelicans at Warriors: Aaron Craft takes a leave of absence to start for Ohio State in the NCAA Tournament's Round of 32.
Wizards at Clippers: A really fun NBA Finals just possible enough to imagine but too unlikely to consider seriously.
Nets at Pacers: Luis Scola can't find anyone who wants to split a cotton candy.
Bulls at Pistons: Aaron Brooks starts wearing lifts.
Suns at Rockets: Jason Terry feels like the Rockets are keeping his nickname relevant.
Blazers at Grizzlies: Damian Lillard asks Mike Conley how he stays so grounded.
Jazz at Warriors: Klay Thompson's goatee grows its own body.
Cavaliers at Bucks: Jared Dudley proposes replacing the draft lottery with a Big Brother ripoff.
Heat at Thunder: Dwyane Wade saves face.
Spurs at Hawks: This is the last time Manu Ginobili trusts the airport shuttle.
Pelicans at Clippers: Fans are encouraged to dress in their finest nautical outfits.
Knicks at Raptors: Landry Fields asks Amar'e Stoudemire why he's never on GChat anymore.
Wizards at Kings: Ben McLemore endorses the "Six Californias" plan.
Pistons at Celtics: Vitor Faverani taps out Jonas Jerebko.
Nuggets at Magic: Danilo Gallinari hires a wolf as a bodyguard.
Hornets at Timberwolves: Honestly, Ronny Turiaf is just going through the motions.
Mavericks at Suns: Rick Carlisle learns he's been spelling Dirk Nowitzki's name wrong all these years.
Sirs at Lakers: Hasheem Thabeet visits the TMZ bullpen.
Rockets at Pacers: Daryl Morey suddenly realizes he missed Sloan this year.
Celtics at Nets: Evan Turner and Brook Lopez compare Ray Romano impressions.
Grizzlies at Knicks: Pablo Prigioni claims he thought of "Grit and Grind" years ago.
Hornets at Bulls: Marvin Williams refuses to shoot his free throws because he definitely would've scored if not for the foul.
Timberwolves at Jazz: Energy Solutions Arena runs out of towels.
Wizards at Warriors: A single round of War decides the best backcourt in the league.
Raptors at Pistons: Andre Drummond and Jonas Valanciunas force a jump ball on the opening tip.
Heat at Bucks: Kendall Marshall invests in a skate park.
Lakers at Thunder: Anthony Morrow ensures that he will be called a playoff x-factor.
Spurs at Mavericks: Tyson Chandler offers to take Tim Duncan shopping.
Sirs at Kings: JaKarr Sampson's birthplace is listed as "Parts Unknown."
Warriors at Blazers: Nemanja Nedovic builds a pillow fort on the team plane.
Nets at Hornets: Noah Vonleh can't find an apartment that allows pot-bellied pigs.
Clippers at Knicks: James Dolan heals the wounds of the Sterling affair with a concert for American race relations.
Hawks at Magic: Al Horford wonders what it's all for.
Pacers at Wizards: An increasingly wistful Otto Porter creates Jan Vesely in NBA 2K15.
Heat at Celtics: James Young logs the dreaded "DNP — Soup Belly."
Bulls at Raptors: Joakim Noah starts a media boycott only he understands.
Cavaliers at Grizzlies: Matthew Dellavedova invites Kevin Love to his birthday party.
Lakers at Timberwolves: Nick Young does porn.
Rockets at Pelicans: Austin Rivers goes sockless.
Sirs at Nuggets: Joel Embiid tweets photos of bongs he found on Google.
Blazers at Jazz: Quin Snyder runs out of ideas and screens Strictly Ballroom to cheer up a struggling Dante Exum.
Thunder at Spurs: Everyone agrees that Serge Ibaka likes the media attention a little too much.
Kings at Suns: At long last, Isaiah Thomas prefers the Suns' shade of purple.
Pacers at Bucks: Roy Hibbert starts bumping into people's shoulders on purpose.
Pistons at Magic: Elfrid Payton wants the world to know he's the best "Elfrid" basketball has ever seen.
Clippers at Sirs: Tony Wroten considers Cliff Paul a personal friend.
Hornets at Wizards: Aaron Gray admits he's been Australian this whole time.
Heat at Hawks: Kyle Korver starts a ping-pong social club.
Cavaliers at Nets: Alex Kirk spends a lovely day in Astoria.
Celtics at Knicks: Derek Jeter throws out the NBA's inaugural first pitch.
Lakers at Raptors: In his last game in Canada, Steve Nash sets a new record when the scorer starts counting hockey assists.
Timberwolves at Rockets: Daryl Morey congratulates Flip Saunders on "getting value." Flip agrees that Subway is the way to go.
Warriors at Grizzlies: Tayshaun Prince body-shames Shaun Livingston.
Kings at Pelicans: Omer Asik takes a personal day.
Mavericks at Spurs: Tony Parker butts into the MVP conversation.
Jazz at Nuggets: Timofey Mozgov soaks his hands in borscht to keep them hearty.
Blazers at Suns: Alex Len discovers Yelp.
Hawks at Hornets: Jeff Teague asks Hugo the Hornet for an autograph.
Knicks at Bulls: Kirk Hinrich brings out the 3D Rec Specs.
Warriors at Bucks: Brandon Knight pledges to make the best of these last two weeks.
Thunder at Jazz: Gordon Hayward befriends a ghost.
Nuggets at Blazers: Alonzo Gee shortens his last name to just the one letter.
Sirs at Cavaliers: The statistical probability of an unlikely loss consoles Anderson Varejao and no one else.
Lakers at Nets: Wesley Johnson visits East Rutherford on a lark.
Timberwolves at Pelicans: New Orleans finally stops fouling Thaddeus Young when an assistant tells Monty Williams that "Hack-a-Thad" is only a slant rhyme.
Clippers at Celtics: Blake Griffin only scores via jumpers. His critics wonder what they've wrought.
Pistons at Heat: Mario Chalmers and Luigi Datome pose for photographs.
Rockets at Wizards: John Wall requests that reporters use "Johnathan" from now on.
Grizzlies at Spurs: Tony Allen somehow makes exactly half of his seven shots.
Mavericks at Pacers: Even Raymond Felton feels guilty about the final score.
Thunder at Suns: The Thunder storm back from a 16-point fourth quarter deficit and the basketball internet focuses on the Suns' failures.
Celtics at Hornets: Jared Sullinger eats way too much cheese.
Lakers at Sirs: Magic Johnson demands that the Lakers rehire Mike D'Antoni.
Bucks at Hawks: Pero Antic finds a reputable mechanic.
Rockets at Raptors: Tyler Hansbrough doesn't know how much longer he can stand the language barrier.
Kings at Grizzlies: Dave Joerger promises a huge pizza party if Memphis makes the playoffs.
Jazz at Timberwolves: Trevor Booker wants out of his T-Mobile contract.
Suns at Blazers: The Morris twins can sense Robin Lopez's loneliness.
Pacers at Nets: Chris Copeland fills in for Hoda on the fourth hour of The Today Show.
Hawks at Pistons: Caron Butler commissions a new flavor of Mountain Dew.
Spurs at Heat: Gregg Popovich confuses Adam Silver by sitting four key reserves in a nationally televised game.
Warriors at Clippers: David Lee is named the next editor-in-chief of Grantland.
Pistons at Hornets: Gary Neal takes a sewing class.
Spurs at Magic: The search is over — Kawhi Leonard finds a Mickey Mouse hat with the right name.
Sirs at Wizards: Aley Shved can't even with this.
**Pacers at Celtics: **Only the player with the ball is allowed to speak.
Nets at Knicks: Jason Smith hits the game-winner, declares himself "King of New York."
Kings at Rockets: Donatas Motiejunas spikes Sacramento's Gatorade.
Bulls at Bucks: Nikola Mirotic watches Bambi to psych himself up before the game.
Raptors at Timberwolves: Robbie Hummel starts hoarding his per diem.
Mavericks at Thunder: Sam Presti identifies dribbling as a market deficiency.
Nuggets at Jazz: Wilson Chandler's new Alfred E. Newman tattoo is the talk of the town.
Clippers at Blazers: Steve Ballmer and Paul Allen fix the game.
Pelicans at Lakers: Kobe Bryant requests that Anthony Davis guard him.
Heat at Cavaliers: Udonis Haslem screams "Judas!" at James Jones from the bench.
Rockets at Mavericks: The players grow tired of being told this is a rivalry.
Suns at Warriors: Shavlik Randolph makes it to La Taqueria, tweets a three-part review to Nate Silver.
Hornets at Pacers: The world tentatively agrees that Michael Kidd-Gilchrist is figuring it out.
Knicks at Wizards: Amar'e Stoudemire can't believe he's missing Debra Messing's seder for this.
Bucks at Celtics: Marcus Thornton accidentally gets Marcus Smart's laundry.
Raptors at Nets: DeMar DeRozan has his FIBA gold medal melted and reformed into a 2015 NBA championship ring.
Pistons at Bulls: Jimmy Butler plays 43 minutes in ankle weights.
Thunder at Grizzlies: Perry Jones proves those "draft-night steal" projections right.
Magic at Timberwolves: Chase Budinger starts driving for Uber.
Nuggets at Spurs: Why is Arron Afflalo asking everyone's blood type?
Pelicans at Kings: Darren Collison tests the lieutenant governor waters.
Blazers at Lakers: Will Barton sees some real crazy shit at the Museum of Jurassic Technology.
Sirs at Hornets: Jason Maxiell wears his compression shorts on the outside.
Nets at Hawks: The second quarter is delayed 25 minutes while everyone helps Mirza Teletovic look for his contact lens.
Heat at Pistons: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope takes a terrarium-making class.
Celtics at Raptors: The league's new "No Horsing Around" rule launches a thousand thinkpieces.
Wizards at Grizzlies: "Z-Bow-Tie" Night inspires the Nation of Islam to revise its mythology.
Warriors at Mavericks: Steve Kerr sells the "We Believe" brand to a holding company.
Magic at Bucks: Giannis Antetokounmpo beheads Anthony Randolph, experiences "The Quickening" for the first time.
Clippers at Nuggets: DeAndre Jordan comes to terms with all the pressure during a nature hike with J.J. Redick.
Jazz at Suns: Tyler Ennis just wants to see a good game.
Pelicans at Blazers: Everything is on the table when a spot in the playoffs is at stake.
Rockets at Thunder: Troy Daniels reminds us that he exists.
Bulls at Cavaliers: David Blatt becomes the first NBA coach to wear tallit.
Heat at Pacers: George Hill won't dress up as the Easter Bunny, no matter what ESPN says.
Warriors at Spurs: The nation's sports commissioners complain that Adam Silver is calling all the best holidays.
Sirs at Knicks: Iman Shumpert becomes a publicly traded company.
Jazz at Kings: Jeremy Evans gets stuck in a tree.
Clippers at Lakers: Lou Adler declines to renew his tickets for 2015-16.
Suns at Hawks: Paul Millsap stages a coup.
Hornets at Heat: The Heat PA announcer does his "dos minutos" routine fifteen seconds too early.
Warriors at Pelicans: Tyreke Evans finds his stroke right when New Orleans needs it.
Spurs at Thunder: Boris Diaw does it again!
Timberwolves at Kings: Mo Williams crunched the numbers and estimates he can play for every franchise before it's all over.
Lakers at Clippers: Charles Barkley gives his take on CSI: Cyber over the halftime highlights.
Raptors at Hornets: Greg Stiemsma falls into a ditch.
Bulls at Magic: Tom Thibodeau convinces Nikola Vucevic to defect.
Wizards at Sirs: Casper Ware mistakes this game for a lucid dream.
Hawks at Nets: Joe Johnson is such a Marnie.
Celtics at Pistons: Gerald Wallace probably shouldn't have tried to jump that high.
Pacers at Knicks: DJ Mbenga misses driving.
Pelicans at Grizzlies: Nick Calathes lends Patric Young his "K."
Cavaliers at Bucks: Austin Carr shouts "Hey Now!" after LeBron dunks on Larry Sanders.
Rockets at Spurs: Francisco Garcia is never too old for the River Walk.
Lakers at Nuggets: Byron Scott praises a not-present Norm Nixon for his unselfish play in the post-game press conference.
Kings at Jazz: Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Special Guest Coach Malcolm Gladwell!
Suns at Mavericks: Chandler Parsons decides that Miles is the cool Plumlee.
Timberwolves at Blazers: Thomas Robinson doesn't get what's so funny when he does "Smooth" at karaoke.
Bulls at Heat: Luol Deng plays all 48 minutes "for old time's sake."
Blazers at Warriors: Chris Kaman grumbles about paying 25 bucks for a hamburger.
Raptors at Magic: James Johnson takes his defensive assignment too seriously and literally breaks into Aaron Gordon's kitchen.
Hornets at Hawks: Mike Budenholzer calls no timeouts so the Hawks can catch a late showing of the new Fast & Furious.
Wizards at Nets: Jorge Gutierrez needs a hug.
Celtics at Cavaliers: Rajon Rondo consistently initiates the offense off the ball.
Pacers at Pistons: Donald Sloan eats his feelings.
Bucks at Knicks: Matthew Modine lets the officials have it.
Spurs at Rockets: Austin Daye is good now I guess.
Suns at Pelicans: Jimmer Fredette forgets where he came from.
Kings at Thunder: Jeremy Lamb discovers that he has inadvertently kept kosher for Passover.
Mavericks at Nuggets: Brandan Wright clearly hasn't been wearing his retainers.
Grizzlies at Jazz: Trey Burke and Alec Burks convince Jon Leuer that they're brothers.
Timberwolves at Lakers: Jordan Hill refers to himself as a "True Laker."
Knicks at Magic: Orlando's new t-shirt cannon is banned under the Geneva Conventions.
Raptors at Heat: Shabazz Napier would be more comfortable in pants.
Sirs at Bulls: The Keith Bogans Goodbye Tour starts to get a little too real.
Grizzlies at Clippers: Kosta Koufos asks Marc Gasol for a loan.
Jazz at Blazers: Dorell Wright is certain it's Mother's Day.
Timberwolves at Warriors: It's all fun and games until Marreese Speights loses an eye.
Nets at Bucks: Jerryd Bayless achieves the perfect stubble.
Cavaliers at Celtics: A whole section of the TD Garden mistakes Shawn Marion for LeBron James.
Hornets at Pistons: Wow, Brian Cook has been in Detroit this whole time.
Kings at Nuggets: Derrick Williams locks down a third-place vote for Most Improved Player.
Thunder at Pacers: Nick Collison develops opinions on curation.
Hawks at Wizards: Kris Humphries mis up hawks and falcons.
Pelicans at Rockets: The Pelicans take out an ad in the paper apologizing to Anthony Davis after their elimination from the postseason.
Suns at Spurs: Gerald Green explains dunk fundamentals in detail.
Mavericks at Lakers: Can a bunch of guys with nothing to play for be selfish?
Rockets at Hornets: PJ Hairston could definitely see himself as a Rocket some day.
Pistons at Cavaliers: Dan Gilbert shames himself into moving the Cavs to downtown Detroit.
Bucks at Sirs: Totally cancelled.
Knicks at Hawks: Cleanthony Early is the new Iman Shumpert.
Bulls at Nets: Pau Gasol has some questions for Jhumpa Lahiri.
Magic at Heat: Come on, who stole Victor Oladipo's Kindle?
Pelicans at Timberwolves: Shabazz Muhammad thinks pelicans exist only in legend.
Blazers at Thunder: Kevin Durant goes 2-for-15 from the field after spending all night putting together gift baskets for season ticket holders.
Mavericks at Jazz: Jae Crowder is so bored.
Lakers at Kings: Omri Casspi reclaims his aura way too late.
Grizzlies at Warriors: Steph Curry plays through a badly stubbed toe.
Nuggets at Clippers: Chris Douglas-Roberts debuts his playoff topknot.
Raptors at Celtics: Tyler Zeller comes to terms with tokenism.
Wizards at Pacers: Frank Vogel can't believe he has to go back to work tomorrow.
Clippers at Suns: Hedo Turkoglu knows he deserves a night off.
Hawks at Bulls: The Hawks prepare to be shunned in free agency.
Blazers at Mavericks: A game scheduled to decide playoff positioning carries no importance whatsoever.
Jazz at Rockets: The season rests on the shoulders of Terrence Jones.
Pacers at Grizzlies: Paul George demands a trade.
Celtics at Bucks: Kelly Olynyk makes Brandon Bass promise to keep in touch.
Thunder at Timberwolves: Andrew Wiggins scores 42 to send an unnecessary message to Rookie of the Year voters.
Spurs at Pelicans: Luke Babbitt leaves early to beat the traffic.
Magic at Nets: Jacque Vaughn plumb forgets that he ever played for the Nets.
Wizards at Cavaliers: Both teams tell the audience to wait a month for the good stuff.
Pistons at Knicks: Brandon Jennings makes a run for it.
Heat at Sirs: Sirs ecs celebrate when the players leave for the summer.****
Hornets at Raptors: Steve Clifford and Dwane Casey agree to "do it again next week" even though they have different playoff****
Nuggets at Warriors: In a meaningless game, Harrison Barnes tries to get Nate Robinson to dunk on him "so we can trend."****
Kings at Lakers: Kobe Bryant calmly sets his locker on fire.****