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Note: What you will find below is not so much a long blog post, but a short ebook; approach it as such. At
over 20k words, it will probably take an hour or two to read, and surely even longer to process. This is the
conclusion and culmination of this long series on manhood, and this short book really defines the
concept(s) that weve been thinking about and working on since we started AoM back in 2008.
Table of Contents
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For the last few months, weve embarked on a fairly epic series on the nature of manhood its origins,
historical imperatives, and standing in the modern world. Heres a look at where weve been:
Part I Protect
Part II Procreate
Part III Provide
Part IV The 3 Ps of Manhood in Review
Part V What is the Core of Masculinity
Part VI Where Does Manhood Come From?
Why Are We So Conflicted About Manhood in the Modern Age?
At this point weve reached the most important question of all: where do we go from here?
In my last post, I described three popular positions as to which path modern men should take, all of which
I believe are ultimately dead ends.
Today I will lay out my own suggested roadmap for how to live as a man in the 21st century.
I offer this guide with the utmost humility. There is no such thing as an expert in manliness, and I make
no absolute claims for the authoritative nature of what youll find below. Manhood is a big, surprisingly
deep subject and my views will likely be refined as I gain further knowledge and understanding over the
years to come.
At the same time, it isnt pulled out of my rear. What you find below represents my earnest and best faith
effort to distill what I have learned through six years of studying and reading about manhood and
interacting with thousands of men around the world, as well as from my own personal faith, philosophy,
and experience. I really believe the principles and steps below can guide a man in making the best
possible life for himself.
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You had no control over being born male. But becoming a man by living the ancient code of manhood
is a choice. It has always been so.
In primitive times, the decision to follow the way of men was essentially made for you. The survival of
tribes and clans depended upon all men striving to achieve the Big Impossible of becoming a real
man by fulfilling the imperatives to protect, procreate, and provide. Young boys didnt get a say as to
whether or not they took part in their tribes violent and strenuous rites of passage, and all men were
expected to hunt and to fight. A man was hypothetically able to opt-out of such endeavors, but the
consequence of doing so was great shame. In a harsh environment a man could not survive alone, and so
could not afford to become an outcast. Beyond a concern for physical safety, a mans identity was so tied
up with his tribe that to lose his status was emotionally crippling a blow to his pride to be avoided at all
costs. Thus our primitive ancestors were highly motivated to try to pull their own weight and meet their
communitys standards of honor.
As danger receded from the perimeter, and life began to be less harsh and dangerous, the necessity of
every man giving his all became less acute, and mens leeway in choosing to live the code of manhood
You may think that the decision of whether or not to strive for the traditional standards of manhood is of
recent origin. But it is something men have grappled with ever since the first rays of civilization began to
dawn. As life became more comfortable, men were faced with the question of how much of the old,
primal ways to hold onto, and how much to cede to the emerging comforts and luxuries of settled society.
Some of the first to wrestle with how to live as men in a more domesticated landscape were the
ancient Greek and Roman philosophers, who pondered and debated what constituted the good life. The
Stoics argued that it could be found in fighting their societys emerging trend towards softness and
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Many of the great Stoic philosophers happened to be extremely rich and powerful men Seneca was the
tutor and advisor to the emperor Nero, and Marcus Aurelius was emperor himself. They could have
helped themselves to all the indulgences their culture had to offer. Yet despite the temptation of being
surrounded by wealth and luxury, these men purposely chose to take a different path from their peers.
They chose the hard way of mental and physical toughness.
The Stoics devoted much of their time and energy to developing the ability to remain calm and collected
in the face of adversity, as well as cultivating an indifference to pain, fear, avarice, and social approval.
They intentionally sought out the kind of challenges their peers avoided. Cold baths, strenuous exercise,
wearing plain and sometimes rough clothing, eating simple fare, and even deliberately seeking out
ridicule were all methods Stoic philosophers practiced and encouraged other men to adopt. They believed
this was the most fulfilling way to live the only way to grow and progress.
Fast forward to today. The amount and availability of luxuries has increased many times over. But despite
the passing of 2,000 years, modern men are essentially faced with the very same decision as their ancient
brethren: How much should you indulge in the ease and comfort around you, and how much should you
keep yourself apart and maintain your independence, mental sharpness, and physical toughness? Should
you take the path of least resistance, or the hard way?
Barring catastrophic societal collapse or another World War, theres hardly anything in our current season
of civilization that will compel men to live the ancient and universal code of manhood. If you wish to live
the way of men, you will, just as the Stoics did, have to intentionally choose to buck the tide of our
culture, exercise your agency, and decide to live it yourself.
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Without some outside force coercing them to live the code, most modern men will follow the path of least
resistance and not even try. Naturally, this has and continues to produce social problems in regards to men
that governments and pundits wring their hands about.
But a few men will hear the old calls and decide to answer.
so in our comfortable and luxurious
world requires self-will and inner-discipline. It will require you to be proactive. Instead of expending your
energy complaining that todays culture doesnt value or encourage manliness, you will need to channel it
into swimming against the tide, building yourself into a Nietzschean Superman, creating a familial tribe,
and surrounding yourself with fellow men of honor.
Though the task is not easy, Id argue that because a man who lives the code now does so of his own
freewill and accord, rather than because he is compelled by an
outside force, this path has never been
more satisfying and fulfilling.
How do we resolve the cultural dissonance we have when it comes to manhood? Sure, we dont really
need all 21st century men to be good at being men in our current safe and luxurious environment. But
what happens when things get rough and manly men are once again needed? Will we have men who have
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what it takes to protect and do the hard and dirty work necessary to keep things going? Can living a code
of manliness actually enhance our lives and provide a deeper sense of satisfaction and fulfillment than
would otherwise be possible?
During my research and writing of this series, there was163
an unmistakable
Comments parallel that kept popping in my
head as to how to resolve and explain this conflict we have in modern society when it comes to manhood:
the military reserves.
Many militaries around the world have a reserve force. Its an organization of military personnel who
arent full-time soldiers, but have undergone basic training and SHARES
make a commitment to developing and
maintaining their military skills so that they are ready to deploy should their country need them.
My proposed resolution to the conflict of modern manhood is something akin to this model of service.
Well call it the Manhood Reserve. While abiding by the traditional
TWITTERcode of manhood isnt urgent in our
current environment, someday it might be and well need men prepared for that moment. Even if our
society isnt hit with some kind of crisis or catastrophe, our training
EMAIL in the Manhood Reserve will still be
worthwhile. We will all encounter hard times in our own livesMORE
that require the fortitude and strength that
living the traditional code of manhood develops. Whats more, living the code will allow men to both
scratch the itch of their primal masculinity and achieve eudemonia the ancient Greek ideal of a life of
excellence and full flourishing.
What follows is a framework that lays out the broad principles and specific training course pursuant to an
enlistment in the Manhood Reserve. It seeks to wed tradition to the realities of modernity in order to
create a pathway that both reaches back and moves men forward. It is positive and proactive. Joining up is
voluntary, and can be done by any man, in any circumstances, in any time. It does not require the culture
around you to change or women to change. It is only dependent on you and your desire to live semper
virilis always manly.
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Theodore Roosevelt was born to a wealthy family in New York City. The Roosevelts enjoyed
comforts and conveniences in their 19th century brownstone that most Americans wouldnt
see until several decades later. When the Civil War tore America apart, Teddys father had
more than enough money to pay for a substitute and thus avoid a draft into the Union Army.
If you were to judge the trajectory of TRs life based on the first ten years of it, youd
probably guess that hed end up as a smart and capable, but physically weak, natural history
professor at some Ivy League university. Roosevelt could have easily settled into a life of
cosmopolitan comfort.
But after a stern talk from his father, young Teddy chose a different path for himself.
He chose the hard way. What he called the strenuous life.
In Teddys time, the standards of male honor largely revolved around virtues like integrity
and industry being a good man. And Roosevelt kept this code to a T. But he didnt want to
just be a good man, he wanted to be good at being a man, too.
It was a goal he actively pursued.
His adolescence was spent exercising and building up his once frail body. He took up boxing
in college and became a competitive fighter. During winter breaks in school, hed go up to
Maine and hunt with the famous guide and timberman Bill Sewell. After his wife and mother
died on the same night, instead of wallowing in grief and despair, Roosevelt headed out to the
badlands of the Dakotas to take up cattle ranching. Despite being a four-eyed dude from
back east, Roosevelt quickly earned the respect of rough and hard cowboys by showing he
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could pull his own weight and wasnt afraid to jump into the fray: he cleared out stables
himself without complaint; he captured a posse of horse thieves after tailing them for 3 days
in subzero weather; he knocked out a gun-wielding loudmouth with 3 dynamite punches.
By striving to live the hard way in his younger years,
163 Roosevelt
Commentsarmed himself with the fire
and fight he needed to succeed in the political, social, and intellectual challenges of his later
life. Even as a middle-aged U.S. president, Roosevelt didnt let up on his dedication to testing
himself and living the strenuous life; he took part in judo and boxing matches in the White
House and punctuated his schedule with hunting, skinny dips in the Potomac, and brisk hikes.
He stayed ever ready for whatever adventures and exploits might await him.
And what exploits they were. Roosevelt served as police
commissioner, governor, assistant
secretary of the navy, and president (the youngest ever to assume the office). When war broke
out with Spain in Cuba, Roosevelt put together his ownTWITTER
volunteer unit and led them in a
charge up San Juan Hill. He was a devoted husband and father of six children. He read tens
of thousands of books and penned 35 of his own. AfterEMAIL
his days as President were over, he set
out on an expedition to explore an uncharted part of the Amazon River and nearly died in the
All throughout his life, Roosevelt had the choice to reject the masculine code, but he never
did. He sought to ever challenge himself in the arena and to always carry his own pack.
Some historical commentators chalk up Roosevelts obsession with the strenuous life to a
symptom of the male anxiety that many 19th century urban men faced in America. It was
the age of machines and steam and a mans place in society was being questioned: What was
the use of masculine strength when new machines could do the work of twenty men? With
the frontier closed, what use was there for the old pioneer qualities of ruggedness and
Sound familiar?
Roosevelt and other men of his time ignored the hand-wringing and deliberately chose to live
by the code of men even though it wasnt demanded of them.
I think thats why I and so many modern men admire Teddy Roosevelt. He showed that its
possible to live in our modern world of luxury and comfort, but not be softened by it. He
showed us that you could proactively choose to be good at being a man even when your
surroundings or culture arent conducive to exercising your innate masculinity.
In short, TR showed us that its possible to live in civilization but not be of it.
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But it is also simply the best way to live your own life, regardless of whether or not anyone else notices or
cares. How so? I submit several reasons for your consideration:SHARES
Those who landed a mate and the opportunity to have children were the men who tried to prove
themselves, who dared to take risks, who ventured out and explored, who had the intelligence, strength,
and courage to become successful. The men who did not take the gamble, or who did not have the
prowess to be successful when they did, died childless.
What this means is that we are all descended from the strongest, fastest, smartest, bravest men of the past:
historys alpha males. Pretty heady, isnt it? It is not a stretch to conclude that the blood of greatness runs
through our veins.
What should we do with this rich, powerful heritage?
Some men squander it on a mediocre life of porn, video games, and corporate dronism. Their fiery thumos
lies neglected and unused; it is as if a fine horse bred for racing was being used for pony rides at kiddie
parties. Tethered to a pole, he plods in endless circles, his muscles atrophied, his eyes downcast.
Failing to exercise your primal potential results in feelings of restlessness and malaise.
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By activating the switches of your ingrained masculine wiring and programming even in small ways
all of your being comes online. Keep the flames of your thumos burning, harness the energy, and ride it
hard down the rode of excellence.
You are a man. This is what you were made to do. Embrace
163 it.
Always Ready
Men, real men who are good at being men, arent needed anymore in our modern world until they are.
Who knows when the world will need men shaped and molded by the ancient ideal of manliness? Sure,
life is for the most part comfortable and pleasant now and weFACEBOOK
really dont need every man to be un vero
uomo, but its hubristic and shortsighted to believe that it will always stay this way. Maybe the
doomsayers and zombie apocalypse fans will be right and some
natural or human upheaval will shake
society so violently that we resort to a Hobbesian state of nature with marauding gangs wandering the
grey landscape just like in The Road. I dont know about you,EMAIL
but I want to know I could hack it in that
sort of situation. I want to be able to look my wife and kids in the eye and say: Ill protect you and take
care of you, and mean it. Id also want to surround myself with other good men, who were also good at
being men brothers with whom I could, as Cormac McCarthy puts it, carry the fire as we set out to
re-build the world together.
But isnt it silly though to spend ones life preparing for a contingency that may never come to pass?
It would be if this way of life wasnt simultaneously the most fulfilling.
Even if society never unravels or blows up, the man who spends a lifetime cultivating the traits inherent
to the code will have the confidence, resourcefulness, and mental fortitude to be ready for whatever
comes. If his life never intersects with a great crisis, hell have the capacity to handle the smaller
emergencies in his day-to-day life from an unexpected death in the family to a tornado razing his house.
Hell also experience the satisfaction of keeping his body in peak condition and learning the kinds of
skills that will allow him to handle any situation. Theres no need to over-analyze it: knowing survival
and tactical skills is just plain cool and few things feel as good as being fit and strong.
Field equipment is a most excellent hobby to amuse one during the shut-in season. I know
nothing else that so restores the buoyant optimism of youth as overhauling ones kit and
planning trips for the next vacation. Solomon himself knew the heart of man no better than
that fine old sportsman who said to me It isnt the fellow whos catching lots of fish and
shooting plenty of game thats having the good time: its the chap whos getting ready to
do it. Horace Kephart, Camping and Woodcraft, 1918
Finally, theres great satisfaction to be found merely in getting ready for something anticipating it and
preparing for it. How many of us have found that the anticipation of Christmas or a vacation is more
enjoyable than the occasion itself! Learning new skills, practicing for various scenarios, trying out
different equipment is all quite enjoyable. Such preparation also keeps your body strong and your mind
Manhood Reserve Case Study #2: Dwight D. Eisenhower
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When Dwight D. Eisenhower joined the military, he had a great desire to serve his country
and to lead men into battle. But after graduating from West Point in 1915, he was given
assignments which revolved around training troops and coaching the Army football team.
When World War I started, Ike saw his opportunity to finally see action and was eager to get
right into the field. He applied several times for overseas duty, but his requests were denied.
Instead, his skill in organization was put to use in preparing regiments to go over there.
Ike fell into a general gloominess. But though he felt his talent was being wasted, he
continued to contribute as much as he could, in whatever capacity he could, to the war effort.
In 1918, Eisenhowers dedication appeared to finally pay off. He was given the opportunity
to command a troop in Europe, and he began preparing for every exigency except one: the
surrender of the Germans.
Eisenhower was crestfallen. I was mad, disappointed, and resented the fact that the war had
passed me by, he recalled. It was said that this was the war to end all wars and Ike felt he
had missed the boat and would never get the chance to test his mettle in battle. He
considered leaving the military and entering civilian life, but decided to stay in. For while he
hadnt gotten into the field, his military career was not without his consolations, as it brought
him into contact with men of ability, honor, and a sense of high dedication to their country.
And so Eisenhower continued on in the military, doing his best and serving with honor in
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whatever assignment he was given. Even when given administrative desk jobs, he acted well
his part. Though his job didnt require it, and though he thought he would probably never
need it, he continued to study military tactics and strategy, for it kept him physically and
mentally sharp and he simply enjoyed it.
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And then 30 years 30 years! after his career in the military had begun, Eisenhower had
his date with destiny.
In 1942, Ike found himself a major general and in command of the European Theater of
Operations in WWII. Hed go on to lead the largest amphibious
invasion in the history of the
world. Because Eisenhower always strived to do his best and remain ever ready to serve in a
crisis, he was prepared to rise to the challenge and performed
Like Eisenhower, many modern men feel gloomy that
theyll never have the chance to test
their mettle, to prove that they are really men. But instead of giving up, we should be like Ike
by remaining ever ready to answer the call of: Give usEMAIL
Besides readying yourself for that unforeseen time when men who are good at being men are once again
necessary, theres just something invigorating, exciting, and dare I say? romantic about living by the
traditional code of manhood. Striving to live by the code of man and taking the hard way just makes life
more satisfying at least it has for me.
Traveling the hard way involves delayed gratification and earning ones rewards, which makes them all
the sweeter once we do partake. And sacrifice and discipline constitute the only route to creating value in
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the world and leaving a legacy the only path to true happiness.
The ancient Greek story of The Choice of Hercules illuminates well these profound truths. According to
the ancient Greek historian Xenophon, Socrates cited this
tale while making a case against indolence and
in favor of the hard way. The story remained popular throughout
the eighteenth century; John Adams used
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it to guide his life and even wished to make an illustration of the tale the design for the Great Seal of the
new nation.
In the story, a young Hercules is very perplexed as to what course of life he ought to pursue. He goes
out into the wilderness to ponder the question, and is there approached
by two goddesses, one
symbolizing Pleasure and the other Virtue. Each seeks to convince the young man as to why he should
choose to pursue their respective paths.
The goddess of Pleasure goes first, and promises Hercules that
he will find happiness in a carefree life of
luxury and ease one in which he can gratify all of his desires, whenever he wishes.
Then the goddess of Virtue steps forward and makes her case:MORE
Hercules, I offer myself to you, because I know you are descended from the gods, and give
proofs of that descent by your love to virtue, and application to the studies proper for your
age. This makes me hope you will gain, both for yourself and me, an immortal reputation.
But, before I invite you into my society and friendship, I will be open and sincere with you,
and must lay down this, as an established truth, that there is nothing truly valuable which can
be purchased without pains and labor. The gods have set a price upon every real and noble
pleasure. If you would gain the favor of the Deity, you must be at the pains of worshiping
him: if the friendship of good men, you must study to oblige them: if you would be honored
by your country, you must take care to serve it. In short, if you would be eminent in war or
peace, you must become master of all the qualifications that can make you so. These are the
only terms and conditions upon which I can propose happiness.
The goddess of Pleasure here broke in upon her discourse: You see, said she, Hercules, by
her own confession, the way to her pleasures is long and difficult; whereas, that which I
propose is short and easy.
Alas! said the other lady, whose visage glowed with passion, made up of scorn and pity,
what are the pleasures you propose? To eat before you are hungry, drink before you are
athirst, sleep before you are tired; to gratify your appetites before they are raised. You never
heard the most delicious music, which is the praise of ones own self; nor saw the most
beautiful object, which is the work of ones own hands. Your votaries pass away their youth
in a dream of mistaken pleasures, while they are hoarding up anguish, torment, and remorse,
for old age.
As for me, I am the friend of gods and of good men, an agreeable companion to the artisan,
a household guardian to the fathers of families, a patron and protector of servants, an
associate in all true and generous friendships. The banquets of my votaries are never costly,
but always delicious; for none eat and drink at them, who are not invited by hunger and thirst.
Their slumbers are sound, and their wakings cheerful. My young men have the pleasure of
hearing themselves praised by those who are in years; and those who are in years, of being
honored by those who are young. In a word, my followers are favored by the gods, beloved
by their acquaintances, esteemed by their country, and after the close of their labors, honored
by posterity.
Hercules, of course, chooses the way of virtue the hard way the path to real pleasure, true happiness,
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and immortality.
Its important to remember too that the code of manhood isnt simply about what we sacrifice and strip
out of our lives in the pursuit of excellence. Its also about
adding the good things creative work, strong,
close relationships, mastery of knowledge and skills. All163
modern researchers have told us are the
keys to a satisfying, happy life.
In short, living the code of man pushes us to be our best, to use all our potentialities, and so to achieve
eudemonia full flourishing.
So youve decided to enlist in the Manhood Reserve. Congratulations! By choosing the hard way, you
have decided to place yourself among the elite of men.
As you pursue this course of life, you will need to seek to incorporate specific elements of the code of
manhood into your life. As you do so, you should guide your actions and decisions by a set of
overarching principles. Let us here discuss the latter, and devote the next chapter to laying out the former.
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you the most or is simply the easiest to achieve, but you do so at your own peril. As weve noted
throughout the series, when one or two of the Ps of Manhood are weakened or non-existent, greater stress
is placed on the remaining pillar(s), causing them to twist and contort.
Becoming what the ancients called a Complete Man requires
developing each pillar to your fullest
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capacity and in balance with one another. Building all three pillars of your manhood awakens all the
dimensions of primal masculinity, ensures that all of your human potentialities are exercised, and leads to
a life of eudemonia.
As you seek to balance the 3 Ps in your life, you must make FACEBOOK
a special effort not to neglect the Protector
Much of this roadmap applies equally well to females who are seeking to live a good life, and there are
certainly women who are drawn to traveling the hard way. There
is a good deal of overlap, particularly in
the Provide and Procreate pillars, that men and women alike should pursue.
Thus, as we argued previously, the imperative of the 3 Ps that is most distinctly masculine and represents
the core of manhood is the Protector role. It is this imperative that most calls upon mens unique
biological and psychological attributes. Men are (generally) stronger than women, more expendable, and
have a tendency for risk-taking, exploration, and dominance. The way we think is geared towards
systemizing and strategizing, which is vital for success in violent skirmishes, and even a mans desire for
male camaraderie and status can be traced back to our evolved role as warriors.
For this reason, the Protector role really acts as the cornerstone of the edifice of manhood. The twisting
and contorting of the pillars mentioned above is most apt to happen when it is weakened or missing in the
lives of men.
We see that today in the United States. With only .5% of citizens serving in the military, fulfilling the
Protector role is more abstraction than reality for most men. Far too much of the weight of manhood has
shifted to the Procreation pillar, and sex has become the primary source of a manly identity for many
young men. Instead of playing a part in a healthy, well-rounded life, we have a society of young men who
devote all their time and energy to becoming master pick-up artists or who stare dead-eyed all day at
online porn.
Our wise ancestors foresaw this inevitability, and sought to strengthen the Protector pillar in order to
strengthen manhood, and society as a whole. As Ive read the works of historys greatest minds on what it
means to be a man, theres always an emphasis on maintaining the attributes of the warrior. These
statesmen and philosophers understood that martial qualities carry over and make possible the other roles
of manhood (you cant procreate or provide if youre dead), and also stave off cultural decadence; the
adoption of the hard, tactical virtues not only prepares men to serve in times of war, but counteracts the
emasculating pull of luxury and comfort in periods of peace.
For example, Socrates and Aristotle argued that a strong body made a strong mind and that courage on the
battlefield or in the wrestling ring translated to courage in the intellectual and moral arenas. Renaissance
and Enlightenment philosophers such as Montaigne, Rousseau, and the Founding Fathers urged men to
beware of effeminate-inducing luxury by taking part in vigorous bodily exercise, living Spartanly, and
being well-versed in martial skills.
All of this is to say that to truly live the code of man in our modern world, an emphasis on the Protector or
warrior role is required.
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Ill admit that this conclusion surprised even me. Ive never been one to equate manhood with physical
strength and martial courage, but after years of reading, writing, and thinking about the subject of
manhood, its hard for me to deny the Protector pillars importance in a robust and complete idea of
manliness. I sincerely believe that this dimension of masculinity
is what modern men lack most acutely in
their lives. At least, I know its lacking in mine and from163
own experience, focusing on developing the
traits of the Protector role has made me better and more capable in my other roles as a man. Its also given
me a renewed energy as well as intellectual, philosophical, and spiritual vigor. The fire and fight of the
Protector pillar carries over to the pursuits and battles of the soul.
Activating the energy of the Protector pillar isnt easy in our peaceful world (unless of course youre a
soldier, firefighter, etc.). But it is doable: as youll see in my specific steps on living the code of man,
most of them emphasize attributes related to the way of the warrior.
Mans kinship with the gods is over. Our Promethean moment was a moment only, and in
the wreckage of its aftermath a world far humbler, far less grand and self-assured, begins to
emerge. Civilization will either destroy itself, and us with it, or alter its present mode of
functioning. And culturewill of course continue but likewise change. The realm of ideas
and symbols will have to be lived closer to the bone. Terrence Des Pres
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Another thing to keep in mind as you chart your own roadmap to manhood in the 21st century: most
aspects of the traditional code of men have become abstractions in our modern world particularly as
they relate to the Protector role.
At the very core of the ancient code of manhood is hunting
fighting. These were/are the most
distinctly masculine of imperatives and the main channels through which men competed for dominance
and sought to prove their prowess and status. But they are also, of course, no longer activities most men
participate in on a regular basis.
Instead, men spend their time engaging in abstractions of these traditionally manly pursuits. In the first
layer out from the core, men battle for dominance in the arenas of sports, politics, and business. Such
competitions, though they do not require the level of fire andFACEBOOK
fight of true battle, can still be quite
fulfilling. So too can hands-on hobbies that challenge our minds and bodies and lead to the pursuit of
The machine age has, of course, already supplied an unexampled
wealth of leisure and what
happens? The average man who has time on his hands turns out to be a spectator, a watcher
of somebody else, merely because that is the easiest thing. He becomes a victim of
spectatoritisa blanket description to cover all kinds of passive amusement, an entering into
the handiest activity merely to escape boredom. Instead of expressing, he is willing to sit
back and have his leisure time pursuits slapped on to him like mustard plastersexternal,
temporary, and, in the end, dust in the mouth.
Granted freedom, many men go to sleepphysically and mentally, organically and cortically.
Not having the drive for creative arts they turn to pre-digested pastimes, prepared in little
packages at a dollar per. This has literally thrown us into the gladiatorial stage of Rome in
which the number of participants becomes fewer and the size of the grandstands, larger.
Spectatoritis has become almost synonymous with Americanism and the end is not yet.
The stages will get smaller and the rows of seats will mount higher. Jay B. Nash,
Spectatoritis, 1938
This satisfaction decreases as a man moves further away from the core of manhood, and starts dealing in
abstractions of abstractions. Instead of playing a sport, men will watch other men play sports on TV or
play the sport on a video game. Instead of setting off on their own adventures, they browse through the
adventures of others on their Instagram feed.
The abstractions of manhood dont just occur in the Protector role, either. You can see it in the Procreator
role when instead of having actual sex with real, live women, men watch other men have sex with women
on their computer. In terms of the Provider role, some men endlessly read about starting successful
businesses, but never pull the trigger and actually start their own.
In short, modern men too often fall victim to the plague of spectatoritis.
This isnt to say you shouldnt spend any time in abstractions of masculinity. Abstractions of hunting and
fighting have always been a part of mens lives even when they spent their time actually hunting and
fighting! Even primitive tribes had sports and good-natured brawls and sat around the fire listening to
storytellers spin the tales of the manly deeds performed by their ancestors.
Sports and hobbies and creative work are all highly enjoyable pursuits that contribute to your becoming a
well-rounded man. And pondering, studying, and even watching other men do manly things can lend our
lives needed direction, guidance, and inspiration. Its all about balance, and spending more of our time in
the heat of the arena, and less of our time in the cold and gray of the grandstands.
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If you really want to experience the ancient code of manhood at its most concrete, primal core, hunt, fight,
and procreate. If you cant do that, do activities that are close stand-ins. Instead of spending all day
Saturday watching other men play basketball, get a group of guys together for a pick-up game. Instead of
watching UFC, join an MMA gym. Instead of masturbating
Brettto porn, have sex with your wife. You get the
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Too often manliness is presented as an all or nothing proposition: either we must give up on living the
code of manhood altogether or return to primitive times when men were men. For those in the latter
camp, true masculine fulfillment isnt possible unless were living right in the core of things hunting
and fighting for our lives. Anything else is just empty pretend play that cannot ultimately satisfy.
For most men, neither proposition is desirable (or practical), and they thus find themselves stuck between
what seems like a rock and a hard place: they cannot fully access the old ways nor completely embrace
the new ways, and so they decide to do nothing at all. They end up drifting along and feeling a deep sense
of malaise thats difficult to shake.
I strongly reject this all or nothing proposition. You dont have to become a sensitive ponytail guy or a
It is possible to wed the best of tradition with the best of modernity.
As we argued in our series on the 5 Switches of Manliness, its not necessary to abandon all the comforts
and progress of the modern age and return to a complete state of nature in order to experience full
masculine and human fulfillment. Instead, think of your primordial male characteristics as power switches
that are either on or off.
While we often think that throwing those switches requires arduous, perfectly authentic tasks, they can
in fact be activated by surprisingly small and simple means. Just because you cannot live exactly like your
manly ancestors, does not mean you cannot do something.
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Take the parts of masculinity that have been an integral part of manliness for thousands of years and try to
have some semblance of them going on in your life. Not to the extent that they were manifested in
primitive times, but present nonetheless. So you cant live in a cave go camping regularly. So you arent
hoisting heavy rocks on a daily basis lift weights. So you
arent running down a Mastodon with your
bros hang-out often with an all-male group of friends. 163
be surprised how basic changes in your
lifestyle will increase your virility and feelings of fulfillment.
If youre familiar with the paleo or ancestral health movement, this approach towards manhood is very
similar. Contrary to popular belief, paleo adherents dont advocate for living just like cavemen. Rather,
they argue that in order to build the strongest and healthiest body, we should eat a diet and take part in
activities similar to our ancestors because thats what our genes were evolved for. So instead of eating a
modern balanced diet, paleo practitioners eat fewer processed
carbs and higher amounts of protein and
fat a diet similar to our tribal forebearers. This doesnt mean paleo folk are out killing their own bison
with a spear; most just buy beef at their local organic food stores.
Paleoists look to the past for the spirit,
not the letter of the law. We should do likewise with manliness.
So dont get hung up on the idea that to live the code of men MORE
you have to go out into the wild and build
your own cabin though, you certainly can. Use the traditional code of manhood as a framework, modify
it to fit our modern landscape, and simply flip the switch.
When men do terrible things in our modern society wreck the economy, thwart political compromise,
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Societies around the world for thousands of years understood this truth, and wisely constructed outlets to
exercise and channel masculine energy towards the collective good.
Today, such built-in outlets have largely vanished from the landscape.
Competition, recess, and physical
education have been stripped from schools; military service is not compulsory; strength-requiring labor,
both in the workforce and at home, is no longer necessary; fighting
over honor, outside a gym or ring, will
get you hauled into court.
Just as with all aspects of the traditional code of manhood, if you want to exercise your innate masculine
energy, youre going to have to purposefully and proactively find ways to do it yourself.
Below I outline the elements that should be part of the training program of every recruit to the Manhood
Reserve. Each is essential in flipping the switches of your innate masculine energy. So far weve talked in
more general terms now I want to get more specific. For each element, I have suggested some concrete
ways to incorporate it into your life. But exactly how you go about activating the elements is really up to
you. The most important thing is to read this and do something to take action on it.
Note: What I offer here is a framework. In writing this chapter, I quickly discovered that to give each
element a complete treatment would turn this short book into a huge one. So Ive described the essentials
of each element relatively briefly. Some we have written about previously, and others we will be returning
to and expanding on over the years to come. So for each element I have pointed to further articles of ours
on the subject for those interested in learning more. Those titles that do not yet include a hyperlink are
placeholders for articles which are planned for the future. After their publication, this post will be
updated with the link.
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Its easy to dismiss strength-building as brutish something bros are concerned about but not real
I know when I first started the Art of Manliness, I didnt put too much stock in physical strength as an
important component of manhood. Strength of character, sure, but physical strength was more of a
secondary pursuit. Maybe it was because I started AoM partly to get away from the overdone fetishization
of getting ripped that was (and is) promoted by other mens magazines. Maybe it was because I wasnt in
shape myself at the time. (As Ive mentioned in this series, we often construct our definition of manhood
in accordance with that which describes ourselves best, and Im certainly not immune to this temptation!)
Yet over the years, as Ive studied masculinity more and starting building my own body, my attitude
towards the importance of physical strength has changed. Ive come to see it as a defining characteristic
of manhood.
Physical strength constitutes one of the few and most significant differences between men and women. If
the Protector role represents the core of masculinity, then physical strength forms its very nucleus. Its the
fundamental factor as to whether a man can hold his own in a fight whether he can push back when
pushed. Its thus central in how humans viscerally judge a mans manliness. You can call it stupid or silly
or archaic, but it all goes back to the way we evaluate men could they keep the perimeter in a crisis?
Though we now live in a comfortable time of peace, that hasnt changed the fact that men and women
alike (even the most progressive of them) find men who appear physically strong and fit more respectable,
authoritative, and attractive than men who arent. Thus, if you want to feel more like a man (and be
treated like one), seek to build your body.
Granted, strength isnt much needed in todays world where men sit behind desks at work all day. But
being strong is never a disadvantage. Even in our safe environment, strength still comes in handy. I want
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to know that Im strong enough to save my own life or the life of others; I want the strength to lift heavy
bags of cement or mulch when Im working around my house; I want to be strong enough to put an
attacker to the ground.
As Ill argue below, strength of character and virtue is vital
manhood. But are you prepared to fight for
your principles? Likewise, can you truly say youre a good family man if you could easily be
outmuscled by a bad guy trying to get at your wife and kids? Strength and virtue are not mutually
exclusive pursuits; strength is what secures our virtue onto us.
Beyond the idea of building strength for its own sake, and for itsSHARES
practical benefits, I think theres a case
to be made for doing so in order to fortify the mental, moral, and spiritual aspects of your life. Just as we
sometimes set up a false dichotomy between virtue and strength,
so do we too often present brains and
brawn as mutually exclusive. Many great men in history, including philosophers and men who made their
TWITTERthe importance of building bodily
living with their minds, rejected this phony divide, and emphasized
strength and mental strength. Physical strength boosts ones mental determination, and mental strength
increases physical fortitude. We would do well to follow the ancients
goal of achieving mens sana in
corpore sano: a sound mind in a sound body.
Finally, besides the practical and spiritual benefits that accrue to the physically strong, it just feels
awesome knowing you can hoist a lot of weight off the ground. The first time I deadlifted 450 lbs and saw
the bar bending in the mirror, I felt like a beast. I let out a primal shout of achievement and carried that
feeling with me the rest of the week.
Not every man has the physiological make-up to get huge and ripped. But every man can become
stronger, than he is now. Whatever your other interests, no matter your build, if you want to feel your
most virile, get acquainted with the iron.
Action Steps:
Start a strength training program. The program I have long recommended for beginners and used
myself is StrongLifts 5X5. More recently I have had great success with making gains by using the
Critical Bench Program.
Purposefully incorporate more physical activity into your day-to-day life use a reel mower instead
of a gas-powered one, chop your own wood, etc.
Further Reading:
AoMs Fitness Section
The 5 Switches of Manliness: Physicality
How to Establish an Exercise Routine
Why Every Man Should Be Strong
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scrapper whos game no matter the odds. If you want to travel the hard way, youve got to be hard!
We certainly admire toughness in women (as did primitive cultures around the world). But, a greater
degree of mental and physical toughness is expected from
men. Even if it is no longer demanded of them.
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We live in a society where you practically never have to spend a single minute of your life uncomfortable.
Our day is spent going from a climate-controlled house, to a climate-controlled car, to a climatecontrolled office and back again. Ample, calorically dense food is never more than a few feet away. We
can go an entire week without a piece of our shod and clothed skin touching a patch of dirt or brushing
against a plant. Opportunities to develop your toughness are thus
something youll have to intentionally
create for yourself. (Are you seeing a common theme here?)
Toughness is a skill that can be honed like any other, and can be broken down into two aspects: physical
and mental. The two are intertwined and feed each other, but TWITTER
lets tackle each in turn, beginning with
physical toughness.
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Mentally tough men are able to stay calm, cool, and collected when things in their life big and small
go awry. They dont lose their temper or fall to pieces when faced with stress. Instead, theyre able to
maintain perspective on the problem and concentrate on how to solve it (or simply ignore it for the
insignificant annoyance that it is). They follow the wise way of the Stoics.
This aspect of the code of manhood has long been a target for feminists and cultural critics, who argue
that suppressing the open expression of feelings stunts mens emotional life and leads to psychological
and social problems.
I think this proposition comes from a well-intentioned place, but is ultimately misguided. What these
social critics and talking heads fail to understand is that its not manhood thats the problem, but an
incomplete, utterly impoverished modern idea of manhood thats at issue. The only thing young men
today know about the injunction to Be a man! is that it represents some kind of hazy standard of tough
guy machismo. We have not taught them the rich nuances that were part of the code for thousands of
years. Our manly ancient forbearers understood that its quite possible to be stoic and cultivate a rich
emotional life; the two arent mutually exclusive. Even Victorian men, famous for their advocacy of the
stiff upper lip, werent shy about crying over sad poetry, writing highly sentimental letters to friends
and lovers, and showing their male buddies a level of physical affection that would make us moderns
uncomfortable. True manly Stoicism is not about suppressing ones feelings entirely; its rather a matter of
knowing when to turn on the toughness and when to turn it off. You dont live like a rock every day, you
just have access to that firm, steady energy, should you need it.
Thus the solution to mens supposed emotional problems is not to chuck the code of manhood, but to
double down on it! To actually teach it in its fullness.
The highly sensitive man is something people like the idea of in the abstract, but recoil from when
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encountered in the flesh. People, whether they can admit it or not, want to know they can depend on men
when things get hard; even in our enlightened culture, they still inwardly cringe at a man who falls to
pieces in the face of frustration or adversity. In the midst of a familial crisis, women want their fathers and
husbands to stand strong and be able to take action. While
we dont face many physical dangers today,
when they do happen, its almost invariably left to the men
While social commentators posit that deep down, men are crying out to, well, cry, I simply havent found
that the majority of men fervently desire the freedom to disgorge their feelings at the drop of a hat. On the
contrary, I think most men very much like to feel a little emotionally tough it gives them a sense of
pride and confidence a satisfaction equal to, if not superior to, that of being able to tear up without
shame during an episode of Greys Anatomy.
Developing mental and emotional toughness offers other personal rewards as well. Big goals and the good
things in life require hard work, sacrifice, and willpower. Mental
resiliency helps us handle the little
setbacks and daily annoyances that might otherwise get under our skin and disrupt our happiness and
Mental and emotional toughness can be increased by taking the steps towards physical toughness outlined
above. Purposefully creating small discomforts, inconveniences, and tests of willpower for yourself will
strengthen it as well. Anything that builds up your powers of discipline and delayed gratification are a
boon to all-around toughness. Also learn and practice ways to lower your physiological response to stress
and threats.
Action Steps:
Fast at least once a month for 24 hours.
Try writing with your non-dominant hand.
Close and put down a book when its getting very exciting and you want to keep going.
Learn how to manage your day-to-day stress.
Familiarize yourself with the warrior color code and learn how to manage stress from more serious
Know how to use tactical breathing to calm yourself.
Meditate daily.
Use biofeedback apps to boost your resiliency and take control of your physiological response to
Do exercises to strengthen your willpower.
Do exercises to increase your attention span.
Read a long book or article all the way through without stopping to surf around to other things.
Keep a strict diet 6 days a week. Make the 7th day a free day where you eat whatever you like.
Know your purpose and plan in life as Nietzsche put it, If you know the why, you can live any
Understand the way your brain and body lie to you about how much push you actually have left
when you think you cant physically or emotionally go on talk to yourself about this when
youre tempted to give up.
Further Reading:
Being the Rock
Building Your Resilience Series
Be Clutch, Dont Choke: How to Thrive in High Pressure Situations
The Power and Pleasure of Delayed Gratification
Discipline: The Means to an End
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5. Learn to Fight
In this world, strength of a certain kindmatched of course with intelligence and tirelessly
developed skillsdetermines masculinity. Just as the boxer is his body, a mans masculinity
is his use of his body. But it is also his triumph over anothers use of his body. The Opponent
is always male, the Opponent is the rival for ones own masculinity, most fully and
combatively realized.Men fighting men to determine worth (i.e., masculinity) excludes
women as completely as the female experience of childbirth excludes men. -Joyce Carol
Fighting and violence are at the very core of masculinity. Researchers theorize that nearly every part of
uniquely male physiology from our shoulders, to our height, to our faces and hands evolved
expressly for the purpose of man-to-man combat. Yet few male propensities have been as maligned.
We dont want people to get hurt, we say. Male violence oppresses others. Violence is only for the
Just like masculinity as a whole, violence itself is thought to be the problem, rather than how violence is
When we think about male violence, we think about rape and domestic battery. We dont think about all
the violence thats done on our behalf so we can live our safe, comfortable existence where we never have
to see two men grapple for their lives. The outsourcing and distancing of ourselves from violence has led
to the naive belief that it is possible and desirable to try to breed this trait out of men altogether.
Instead of teaching young men: Youve got an amazing power and energy inside of you a force that
drove the Vikings and the Spartans and the Minutemen and the GIs, we teach them: You have
something wrong with you, a dark, bad drive that hurts people. Deny it. Smother it. Exclaim that youre
not like other men and reject it altogether!
Nobody likes violence until theyre sitting on a plane thats been hijacked by terrorists and its the men
who hatch a plan to take it back and kill them. Nobody likes violence until someone breaks into their
house, and a man gets up to confront the intruder. Nobody likes violence until their freedom is at stake
and they need men to storm the beaches of Normandy and run a knife through the enemys kidneys.
As a society we have this willfully self-deluded hope that we can smother mens violent tendencies
altogether because in our current society we dont need men who can physically fight; and if we ever do,
well just cross our fingers that theyll be able to instantly turn it back on again.
Far better would it be if we acknowledged the innate energy of violence in men, and both reverenced its
potential and cautioned against its misuse encouraging its principled cultivation and teaching that it
should be channeled towards good, moral ends to protect the weaker, uphold our principles, and guard
our way of life.
While it is often thought that encouraging men to take part in structured, controlled violence will lead to a
more violent world, the research indicates otherwise. For example, when police officers are trained in a
martial art, their use of firearms and other weapons goes down. As philosopher Gordon Marino argues,
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men who do not feel easily threatened are generally less threatening.
In my experience, those who have actual experience with violence even simply within the controlled
confines of a boxing ring are most likely to say it should
only be employed when absolutely necessary.
They intimately understand the unromanticized reality of163
They have been humbled by it. It is
men who have only experienced violence vicariously through stylized video games and movies that are
prone to unleash it in a destructive, narcissistic manner.
You need not wait for society to see the wisdom in this (I wouldnt hold your breath). The individual man
has plenty of reason to cultivate his fighting spirit on his own. SHARES
Besides its necessity in being able to protect others, physical FACEBOOK
fighting can help you withstand the mental
and emotional blows that every man will experience in his life.
How much can you know about yourself if youve never been in a fight? asks Tyler Durden, the
protagonist in Fight Club. When you get in a physical fight and take that first punch in the nose and find
yourself on the mat, its in that moment you learn if youre the kind of man who gets back up after hes
been knocked down. By giving and receiving physical kicks and punches you learn that pain is temporary
and physical wounds heal. This knowledge bolsters your confidence outside the ring as well, endowing
you with mental and emotional resilience, as well as moral fortitude.
Us moderns have a hard time accepting this idea and reconciling martial and moral virtues. We like to
keep the two in separate mental compartments or act like theyre fundamentally different. The ancients
didnt see it that way they understood that moral courage and physical courage were of the same
essence, and that testing ones physical courage on the battlefield or in the sporting arena would in fact
bolster their moral courage faster than a hundred risky intellectual or philosophical decisions. Its
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telling that Aristotle compared developing the philosophical mind to the boxer developing his physique
and that the Stoics would often refer to soldiers and wrestlers as ideals to follow.
Christian churches at the turn of the 20th century understood
Brettthis connection between physical and moral
courage as well. This was another time in our history where
the role of men and masculinity was being
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questioned. Many churches created their own boxing gyms and leagues, rightly sensing that building up
their young mens virility in the ring would help them be all-around better men able to live their faith
more muscularly.
I find it interesting, too, that many of our greatest writers and minds were also fighters and credited their
study of martial skills to their success. Aristotles famous Lyceum also included a wrestling school;
students grappled not only with ideas, but with each other. Ernest
Hemingway boxed religiously, as did
Jack London. Many modern philosophers, such as Marion, are students of the sweet science as well.
Action Steps:
Learn to fight. Boxing and MMA gyms abound in most cities, as do jiu-jitsu and karate dojos.
Sign-up, step into the arena, and learn to give (and take) a punch.
Learn Krav Maga.
Learn how to throw a dynamite straight punch.
Participate in amateur boxing matches.
Start your own Fight Club (look for a post on this later this month).
Further Reading:
How Fighting Develops Virtue
Developing Gameness
Developing the Warrior Spirit
What Martial Strategy Can Teach You About Getting Ahead in Life
6. Go Hunting
David D.Gilmore, author of Manhood in the Making, calls hunting the male provisioning function par
excellence because it calls upon all the elements of the code of man mastery, skill, risk-taking, and
even sexuality.
Hunting and fighting are what men are particularly evolved for, yet so few men hunt today. Consequently,
we have a society filled with men (and women!) who have neither connection to the food they eat nor any
concrete knowledge of the circle of life.
Ive talked to a few of my friends who never hunted until they were well into their thirties and asked them
about their experience. How did they feel during the hunt? What was it like when you finally killed
something? All of them said that while most of the hunt consisted of just long stretches of sitting in nature
(a benefit in and of itself!), when they finally shot something and came upon their prey, something clicked
in them. They didnt feel bad nor did the feel any elation at killing. It just felt weirdly natural.
Action Steps:
Go hunting. Not just for game. Dress and eat whatever you kill.
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Independence and autonomy have always been key parts of the ancient, universal code of manhood.
Dependency is slavery. A man is able to stand on his own two feet and make his own choices. He is
captain of the ship of his life and master of his agency.
Independence takes a variety of forms.
First theres economic independence. While theres an argument to be made that it takes much longer in
our modern world for a young person to get out on their own these days, for the young man with pluck
and determination its still very much in the realm of possibility.
If youre in your teens and 20s, do all you can to prepare yourself to become self-reliant as soon as
possible. Learn basic life skills that will allow you to rely less and less on your parents or others. Learn
how to take care of your car and your clothing. Learn how to cook and clean up after yourself. Learn how
to make a budget and save money.
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Avoid debt as much as you can and eliminate it as quickly as you can when you do acquire it. Dont
cumber yourself with consumer goods that provide little or no value and end up stifling your mobility and
options in life. As you earn more money, avoid lifestyle inflation. Practice frugality. Live a life of
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Second, strive for independence from systems and governments. Obviously all of us rely on government
and institution-provided roads, utilities, and consumer goods. Im not saying you need to go live off the
grid on a compound. Rather, make it a goal to acquire the skills and knowledge you would need in order
to thrive even if these systems and conveniences broke down. Modern society allows men to be careless
and clueless; nature is less forgiving. Dont be like the grasshopper in Aesops fable who dances and
fiddles during the bounteous summer only to beg for help from the industrious, forward-thinking ants
when winter comes. Take survival courses, plant a garden, learn
how to hunt, store up food and water,
start a fire without matches, etc.
Third, seek autonomy in your work. This doesnt necessarily mean you have to become an entrepreneur
(though thats a great way to become autonomous). Even if you
work a regular 9-5, look for jobs that
allow you greater control over your work. Youll find more satisfaction and happiness as you do so.
Finally, seek to be mentally and emotionally autonomous, too. Avoid any addictions, as well as
attachments that fall short of that label, but still diminish your agency. Do you need drugs or alcohol to
feel okay or to have a good time? Can you go 10 minutes, an hour, a day, without checking your phone?
Can you go a week, a month, a year without porn? Do you live for the approval of women? Do you often
should on yourself? Do you read the comments on a blog post to figure out how you should feel about
it? Do you care uncomfortably much about how many likes your Instagram pic gets? Form your own
opinions, make your own decisions, be your own man.
Its important to note that becoming totally self-reliant is neither possible nor desirable. Its a balance
no man is an island. As well discuss later, manhood was never a solitary pursuit. Thinking you can either
survive or thrive on your own is complete bullocks. Its about seeking independence and autonomy where
you can, not bunkering down all by yourself.
Action Steps:
Get out of debt.
Become an autodidact.
Learn basic life skills.
Start a garden.
Start your own business or side hustle.
Move out of your parents house.
Ask your employer for more autonomy in your work.
Do an Input Deprivation Week, and maintain your detachment from devices by taking a weekly
Tech Sabbath.
Build a bug out bag.
Create an emergency food/water/essentials supply.
Learn survival and first aid skills.
Further Reading:
How to Become Self-Reliant
Being Your Own Man
Go Small or Go Home: In Praise of Minimalism
Beyond Sissy Resilience: On Becoming Antifragile
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Throughout cultures and time manhood has always been about gaining cultural competence so you can be
effective. To be a man means to be skilled in as many of the tasks as possible that are important for
getting ahead in a particular society. Cultural competence is about gaining a breadth of knowledge and
proficiencies so that a man can be deft and adroit in any situation
he might find himself in. The French
have a phrase that encapsulates this idea: savoir faire (pronounced sahv-wah fair). James Bond
embodies savoir faire. Teddy Roosevelt had it in spades, and so did many of our grandfathers (I know
mine did). A man with savoir faire can fix a leaky faucet, dress sharp for a black tie event, converse with
truck drivers and diplomats, and immobilize an armed attacker. Its about being a kind of Renaissance
man: smooth, smart, handy, and resourceful.
Having savoir faire aides a man in fulfilling his role as Provider and Procreator because it makes him
more attractive not only to businesses, but also to women. Moreover, becoming capable and competent is
an important part of attaining the goal of independence and autonomy. Plus, knowing you can confidently
walk into any situation and know how to act, how to own the room, and how to solve any problem that
arises simply feels awesome.
For a man living in a modern, Western, capitalistic democracy, having cultural competence means
primarily focusing on softer skills that will allow him to excel in our modern economy and sexual
marketplace. A man needs to know how to dress well, how to carry on an engaging conversation about a
wide range of topics, how to be charismatic, how to manage information, how to give a public speech,
how to persuade others, etc. So work on developing those skills as much as you can. While they arent
called upon as much, it helps to acquire some harder skills too how to use tools, tie knots, fire a gun,
change a tire, etc. You never know when such know-how will come in handy.
Developing savoir faire is definitely one of my favorite aspects of manhood (as you know, much of AoM
is dedicated to it!). Spending time learning about all sorts of new skills is just plain fun, rewarding, and
Action Steps (this is just a sampling of some of our favorites for more, see pretty much the entirety of
our archives and become a subscriber!):
Learn how to shake hands.
Learn how to be more charismatic.
Learn how to write an email that will actually get a response.
Learns the basics of etiquette.
Learn how to command a room.
Learn how to make small talk.
Learn a second language.
Learn how to tie knots.
Learn how to change a tire.
Further Reading:
How and Why to Become a Lifelong Learner
9. Gain Mastery
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While having a breadth of knowledge is important, having depth in a few skills is also important. Dont
be a hyphen or dilettante. These are folks who flit around from one skill or discipline to the next
without ever becoming an expert in any of them. Theyre the jack-of-all-trades but the master of none. To
be truly effective, we need to be Mr. Ts.
T-shaped men have a breadth of knowledge, but also have deep knowledge in a specific area. Theyre a
jack-of-all-trades and a master of one (or two!).
If youve spent most of your adult life jumping from one interest to the next without
fully immersing yourself in something, make the commitment today to focus your time and energy on
gaining mastery. Its incredibly rewarding in and of itself, but it will also make you more useful, more
interesting, and more successful in your vocation.
Action Step:
I would suggest picking two areas in which to gain mastery: 1) a skill thats important to your
professional life and 2) a tactical skill thats close to the core of masculinity of fighting and hunting
marksmanship, a martial art, etc.
Further Reading:
The First Key to Mastery: Finding Your Lifes Task
Mastery: The Apprentice Phase
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The ancient Greek word for manliness is andreia; the Latin word for manliness is virtus. In both
instances, manliness=courage. The Greeks and Romans werent the only cultures to equate courage with
manliness. As Gilmore reveals in his cross-cultural analysis of masculinity, courage has been the sin qua
non of manhood in every time and place throughout all of human
For courage to exist, there must be risk. And so to develop our andreia we must court a little danger in
our lives.
As weve explored in this series, manhood has always been considered
an earned status an
achievement. And just as it can be earned, it can be lost as well. Thus, a manhood that doesnt risk its
dispossession is no manhood at all.
For our primitive ancestors, opportunities to exercise their manly courage through risk were plentiful.
Danger surrounded them at all sides in the form of enemy tribes or wild animals. You didnt have to go
looking for trouble, trouble found you.
Contrast that to our modern world in which safety and comfort are plentiful, but risk and danger are
wanting. If a modern man wants to experience a visceral life or death risk, he has to purposely seek it out
by signing up for military combat or taking part in extreme sports. But even the more subdued forms of
risk that men were formerly expected to embrace have diminished. For example, instead of asking a
woman out in person or over the phone, men today use technology to blunt and even eliminate the risk of
rejection. Theres less sting when a woman ignores your text message than when she tells you no to
your face.
While we should all find ways big and small to court a little danger in our lives, that doesnt mean our
risk-taking needs to be stupid or even excessive. Part of the problem in todays culture is that we provide
and encourage so few positive, pro-social outlets for male risk-taking particularly for young men.
Consequently, we have young men who do needlessly dumb things that provide no real benefits for the
man or for society. To make risk-taking rewarding, we need to, as psychologist Nicholas Hobbs puts it,
choose trouble for oneself in the direction of what one would like to become. Instead of sticking
fireworks up your butt and lighting them, start a business, join the merchant marines, take part in an
amateur boxing match, or ask out that pretty woman youve had your eye on for so long.
Moreover, understand that the amount of risk you take will probably diminish as you enter different stages
in your life thanks to naturally decreasing levels of testosterone as well as simply having more to lose
than gain. Gilmore notes in Manhood in the Making that in most cultures, risk-taking was encouraged in
young men as a way for them to gain the hardihood to tackle the mature tasks of later life. Once a man
becomes established and has a family, excessive risk-taking was then seen as boyish and unmanly,
because at that point in a mans life his job was to maintain what he had and gain more.
All of which is to say, that we would do well to seek the Aristotelian mean when it comes to taking risks.
Action Steps:
There are many forms of courage, but physical courage is its highest form, as it requires overcoming our
strongest biological drive: self-preservation. As discussed above, the courage one gains in the ring or on
the battlefield will extend to ones moral and intellectual pursuits. But Im not sure the reverse is true.
That is, while taking small risks in moral, social, and intellectual areas will develop your ability to take
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greater risks in these areas, Im not sure that turning down a drink to uphold your convictions about
alcohol will translate into greater courage to run out under fire. So as you look for risks to take in your
life, be sure not to neglect some that involve physical courage.
Ask a woman out face-to-face.
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Start a business.
Choose an alternative path to going to college.
Learn to ride a motorcycle.
Stand up for your beliefs even in the face of ridicule.
Take part in sports that involve physical danger (fighting, rock climbing, surfing, snowboarding,
Give a public speech.
Take part in the manly art of haggling.
Do s**t that scares you and conquer whatever particular
fears your have.
Further Reading:
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and competition. He argues that men typically form tight bonds in terms of either a pre-existent object of
aggression, or a concocted one. Men draw close together when they have some other group to compete
against or some difficult goal to achieve. Even when there isnt an enemy real or metaphorical men
will come up with a difficult task to assert their will overBrett
and tackle together.
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For examples of this dynamic, consider the intimate bond that forms between soldiers, especially those
who see combat together. A common refrain amongst soldiers is that while they may have gone to war to
fight for their country, they stayed to fight for their brothers. You can see the way competition solidifies
the male bond with sports teams as well.
Where the male quest for dominance is, male bonding will be also. So if youre worried about the lack of
close male friends that many modern men have, we should beFACEBOOK
encouraging more (positive) competition,
not less.
Third, competition breeds excellence both in ourselves and in the culture at large. Mens penchant for
status-seeking (and risk-taking) is what led to the discovery of new lands and the invention of the worlds
technologies; its the driver of societal progress. Sure, we should compete against ourselves and always
strive to be better than the men we were yesterday. But competing against ourselves will only take us so
far. Its easy to get complacent when youre just trying to beat the man in the mirror because ego and
status arent at risk. We need the friction that comes with opposing forces to keep us sharp. When theres
a risk of public defeat or victory, we push ourselves out of our comfort zone. Other competitors can reveal
flaws and weaknesses in ourselves we didnt know we had. Competition keeps us hungry and humble.
Finally, competition is risky, and as we know, manliness without risk just isnt manliness.
So step into the arena and show yourself a man by competing. You may lose, but youll be the better for
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your striving and youll likely gain some close buds to boot. Youll also have the assurance that your
place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
In the ancient code of man, there is no dishonor in striving
and falling short; rather, as Gilmore notes, the
worst sin of manliness is not honest failure but cowardly
Action Steps:
To tap into the most potent masculine energy, try to compete as part of an all-male team. That opportunity
SHARES Competing in things by yourself
can be hard to find these days, particularly once youre out of college.
wont scratch that primal itch to conquer as part of a gang, but its still a worthy pursuit.
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but dont, and figure theyll start acting like one when they start feeling like one. But this feeling never
arrives, and the sense of being in limbo continues.
Just thinking your way to a new status isnt very effective:
Okay, now Im a man. A concrete ritual
provides an outward manifestation of an inner change, and
so doing helps make the transition to
adulthood more tangible and psychologically resonant.
Rites of passage into manhood can still be found in some faith traditions, as well as in the military and
organizations like the Boy Scouts. But theyre few and far between.
Rites of passage you create for yourself arent as effective, because they lack the re-incorporation phase
of the process where a community recognizes your new status
and treats your differently because of it.
This recognition creates a feedback loop in which you act differently because youre now a man, and
people expect more of you because of it, which motivates youTWITTER
to keep living the code. But, a DIY rite of
passage is definitely better than nothing at all and can definitely help move you into a more mature
Action Steps:
The single action step here is to participate in a rite of passage. The forms this rite can take are numerous:
Climb a mountain.
Take a wilderness canoe trip.
Backpack a long-distance trail (like the Appalachian) end to end.
Become an Eagle Scout.
Join the military.
Serve in Americorps.
Serve in the Peace Corps.
Serve a mission for your church.
Teach English in a foreign country for a year.
Join a fraternal organization that offers a rite of passage ritual like the Freemasons or Knights of
Further Reading:
The Power of Ritual: The Rocket Booster of Personal Change, Transformation, and Progress
The History and Nature of Rites of Passage
How to Create Your Own Rite of Passage
13. Go on Adventures
Why are men and boys particularly drawn to adventure stories? Evolution likely plays a role.
The male brain is wired for adventure. According to The Male Brain, when we were hanging out in our
mothers wombs, our bodies were flooded with a bunch of different hormones. Two of these substances
specifically anti-Mullerian hormones and testosterone primed the circuits of our tiny male fetus
brains for functions like exploratory behavior and spatial skills skills that are important when going
into uncharted territory.
Testosterone may continue to drive the male quest to explore even into adulthood. Studies have shown
that when male animals are injected with high levels of testosterone, they expand their distance of
exploration. Primatologists have noted that male chimp gangs that stray the furthest from their home base
typically have higher levels of testosterone than the gangs that stay closer to home. Researchers speculate
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that testosterone has a similar effect on male humans the more testosterone you have, the more likely
you are to be drawn to exploring new things.
Evolutionary biologists theorize that the reason males inBrett
most species, including humans, are evolved to
explore and orient is to help in patrolling and protecting 163
territorial perimeter as well as to expand
their territory to gain access to new resources. Whats more, because males are sexually expendable,
species can afford to lose a few males on dangerous trips to the unknown.
Tens of thousands of years after our hunter-gatherer ancestors left the plains of Africa, the drive to explore
still exists in the DNA of men. It was men who mapped the globe
during the Golden Age of Discovery,
reached the Earths poles during the Heroic Age of Arctic Exploration, and landed on the moon. In all of
FACEBOOKbenefits to exploration, but Im
these instances there were economic, political, cultural, and scientific
pretty sure most men went simply for the adventure.
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Further Reading:
Every Man Needs Adventure
Series on the Life of Jack London
Jack London on the Life That Lives
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How to Live the True Spirit of Romance and Adventure
14. Spend Time in Nature and Get Out into the Wild
When I asked Earle Labor what Jack London teaches us about being a man, one of his answers was: Get
out into nature, but not just any nature, wild nature.
As author John Eldredge puts it, men are wild at heart. And there is no better way of rediscovering this
wildness and of having an adventure than tearing out into undomesticated nature. The primal
energy that runs through the deep woods and mountains will awaken the primal energy within you.
The life of most modern mens lives are tightly scheduled and routine. Wake up, shower, commute, work,
home, sleep. Each day you drive the same route, sit in the same cubicle, and sleep in the same bed. Youre
subject to all sorts of rules, expectations, and constraints. Buttoned up and buried in paper work, you must
act polite, follow the traffic laws, and refrain from throttling the blowhard who prolongs the company
meeting with endless inane questions. Your spirit is constantly hemmed in. And everything you touch,
live in, and use has been modified from its original form: sanded, molded, and packaged for consumption.
Almost every sound you hear, from the car engine to the ringing cell phone, originates from an artificial
source. Its enough to render every man with a mild form of insanity.
Thus, men must periodically tear themselves away from civilization and interact with things in their
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natural state. Touch real dirt, sit by a real fire, sharpen real wood, and listen to the pure sounds of running
streams and the wind in the trees. Surround yourself with matter that doesnt exist solely for human
consumption. Experience things that just are.
Its interesting to note that ancient rites of passage frequently
involved the initiate going out into the wild
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by himself with limited resources. Many of historys greatest men took on the mantle of manhood by
journeying into the wild to test their mettle. Jesus began his ministry by going to the wilderness of Judea
to fast for forty days; TR spent his winters during college in the wilds of Maine; Jack London went to the
Klondike and there found himself and kicked off a legendary writing career.
In the wild is where men strip away all that is false, and find themselves again at the core.
Action Steps:
Get out in the wilderness. The kind of wild thats raw and dangerous. No manicured state parks.
Go camping and backpacking regularly.
Take wilderness survival courses.
Take up sports that get you into nature trail running, mountain biking, skiing, surfing, etc.
In between your trips to the wild, simply try to get into nature on a regular basis even if that means
just taking a stroll in a local park.
Further Reading:
The 5 Switches of Manliness: Nature
When Life in Town Wearies You: Vacation Planning Advice from 1918
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Were right back in our childhood bedroom, with our mother asking, Do you want to wear the green shirt
or the blue shirt?
Consumerism is then if I may borrow from Emerson Brett
in conspiracy against the manhood of every
one of its members. So how do we overcome this conspiracy?
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The trick to not falling into the consumer trap, is first, simply being aware of consumerisms subtle
dependency-inducing and autonomy-sapping influence on your life. Importantly, realize that it isnt just
material goods that we are often mindless consumers of, but information and entertainments as well.
Plenty of folks look down their minimalist noses at those who hoard
stuff, all while they gobble the
media created by others. They go to parties but never throw them; listen to music but never make it;
comment on blog articles but never write any of their own. Their
input to the world centers on giving
things a thumbs up or thumbs down; they sit upon their pseudo-consumer thrones as various diversions
are laid at their feet, to be dismissed or shared with friends. TWITTER
This is, of course, not real kingship, as it gives you no real power
EMAILto affect the world. Being a creator
means more than refraining from consumption, but adding something
of real value to society.
Becoming a creator doesnt mean giving up consumerism completely; I certainly enjoy buying books,
music, and clothing from time to time. Just temper your consumption with your own creative acts. Invest
time in things that will build your legacy.
So dont choose your own adventure, create it. Dont just live in the world, but create worlds. In this you
will be not just a king, but a god.
Action Steps:
Find a manly creative hobby.
Build a piece of furniture.
Write a book, a blog, or simply in a journal.
Write letters.
Start a garden.
Host a party.
Have kids.
Start a club.
Learn how to cook your own food.
Start a business.
Start a non-profit.
Do volunteer work.
Be a mentor.
Do kind things for strangers and friends.
Further Reading:
Modern Maturity: Create More, Consume Less
The 5 Switches of Manliness: Legacy
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But the pursuit of traditional manhood was never a solo endeavor it wasnt (and isnt) a solitary pursuit
of self-actualization. While we sometimes think of manhood in terms of the archetypical lone wolf, this
is a decidedly modern conception. As we explored throughout this series, manhood is both biological and
cultural. While we can do things on our own to tap into and
Brettexperience our innate, biological masculine
energy, if we want to experience a full and complete manhood,
we cannot leave out its social aspects.
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Manhood is not manhood without the ties that bind without the people who support and accompany us
in the pursuit.
This brings us to man and his society. And what a divisive, confusing topic that is in our modern world.
There are men who complain that manhood is no longer respected and is demonized in modern society
(which is sometimes true). And there are those who say that feminism is to blame for all of mens woes
(which is rarely true). There are men who would like to turn back
the clock, and who refuse to contribute
to the system until big changes are made.
As for me, well, Im not in favor of putting women back in their place and doing away with equal rights
and equal opportunities for all. I learn from and am inspired by
history, but I dont desire to live in any
other era than the current one.
In any system, cultural or otherwise, you can either establish clearly defined roles and responsibilities
based on general rules as to who does what best; or, you can let people do whatever they want, however
they want, in accordance with their unique, individual interests and talents. The first option is constraining
but efficient: everybody knows what their job is and what they should be aiming for. The second option is
messy but fair it allows everyone to fulfill their unique potential. In harsh, dangerous environments,
where efficiency is a matter of life and death, having stricter gender roles is an effective and necessary
survival strategy. In peaceful, comfortable environments, theres much more wiggle room for things to be
murky and a little chaotic, and it makes the most sense to let everyone follow their own course.
There are, though, some changes that I think are quite reasonable and would be positive for both men and
modern society as a whole: making schools more boy-friendly by increasing competition and physical
activity; curbing the widespread drugging of American boys with powerful mind-altering stimulants in
order to normalize them; the return of shop class to schools and an effort to point some young men
towards the trades as an alternative to 4-year college; more mentors for young men; greater parity
between the sexes when it comes to dividing up custody in family courts.
In general too it would be nice if mens contributions to society were more recognized and appreciated
and if men werent so commonly belittled. And I think everyone could live fuller lives if we allowed men
and women the opportunity to achieve their complete potential, whatever it is, regardless of sex, while at
the same time being comfortable enough to admit that while men and women are equal in their aptitude
(with the exception of strength) for every pursuit, we generally differ in our level of motivation towards
particular ones. Enjoying and celebrating those differences could be quite enriching, in my ever so
humble opinion.
Yet, Im completely all right if none of those changes ever come to pass (with the exception of the family
courts business and boyhood drugging which really need to be addressed). I recognize that in our huge,
highly diverse nation, reaching consensus on anything gender-related or otherwise! has become nearly
impossible. And instituting special programs for young women and young men on a widespread basis,
while also making room for those with interests and needs who dont fit the general rule, becomes quite
sticky, quite fast.
Perhaps that sounds awfully apathetic. But the reality is that creating a cohesive culture isnt sustainable
in a giant, heterogeneous nation-state. And trying to do so is neither practicable nor desirable. While Im a
proud American, I believe that people are, as they have been for thousands of years, tribal at heart. To
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look for support and validation of our beliefs and a sense of full identity from a population of 300+
million widely disparate people is a dead end pursuit. The core of my identity derives from my family, my
honor group, and my community (more on that below). This is my people, my tribe and within this
tribe we can value whatever principles wed like. I dontBrett
need all of society to agree with those principles,
and in fact, its a truism that living contrary to prevailing163
is even more satisfying that going with
the status quo.
And so I feel the best use of a mans energy is not in trying to get the whole national (or global) culture on
the same page, but contributing to the best possible culture in your own community. You dont have to
wait for societys conversation about men to change, to be a man. And in fact, if the national culture is to
have any hope of changing at all, it will begin in smaller communities in families where fathers and
mothers teach their sons to be honorable men, and their sons FACEBOOK
become teachers and coaches and fathers
themselves who then raise and mentor another generation of fine young men. If you want to change the
culture as a whole, think small bottom up rather than top down.
Men werent made to run in groups of millions or even thousands they were meant to run in
small tribes. When these close-knit social ties fray, masculinity becomes distorted.
Ive become more and more convinced that the underlying contributing factor of what many social
commentators call toxic masculinity is that modernitys expansive social structures set men up for
continuous and crushing status defeat.
I plan to explore the psychology and sociology of male status more in-depth in the future, but for our
purposes now, let me re-emphasize that, because of evolution, men are highly sensitive to status. When
males get together in groups (chimps and humans alike), hierarchies and pecking orders are soon
established. Reproductive success for men in primitive times (and even today) depended on achieving a
high status within their group.
While we frequently focus on the rewards of achieving high status, we often overlook the psychological
penalties of facing status defeats. Several studies have shown the marked differences between the way
men and women respond to a loss in status. For example, one study demonstrated that while mens
cortisol (the stress hormone) levels spike in reaction to a loss of status, womens cortisol levels remain the
same. Imagine the psychological toll that would be inflicted upon a man who faced a constant barrage of
perceived status defeats day in and day out.
But thats exactly whats happening to more and more men in our modern world.
The problem of modern manhood is that men are forced to compete for status in a group thats
exponentially larger than what our psyche is evolved for. Instead of trying to be the best amongst a small
tribe or community of relatively homogenous and equal men, modern men are competing for status
against thousands and sometimes millions of anonymous men from various backgrounds and classes.
Many young men today compete for status in high schools with 2,000 or 3,000 other students; when they
get to college, theyre competing against tens of thousands; when they enter the workforce, theyre
competing against millions. And thanks to mass media and the internet, its not enough to keep up with
the Jones next door, you also have to keep up with the Rich Kids of Instagram or some bro dude who has
his own online fitness business that allows him to be location independent and travel the world. When
thats what an average man is comparing himself to, constant status defeat is inevitable.
The recent mass shooting at Santa Barbara City College has caused a vigorous discussion about the
so-called problems of masculinity. Several reasons as to why such a heinous and callous crime occurred
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have been proffered, from misogyny to mental illness to guns. But I find it interesting that the discussion
about men and status hasnt been brought up much. If you look at the string of mass shootings America
has experienced since Columbine, the underlying factor amongst the perpetrators is that they were young
men who perceived themselves as having an unfairly low
status. The diary of one of the Columbine
gunmen was filled with self-loathing rants about how he163
get the respect he thought he deserved
from his peers (and women). We saw the same thing in the angry video manifestos of both the Virginia
Tech and Santa Barbara mass-shooters.
In the face of what they perceived as an unwinnable status contest, these young men believed that only
drastic measures would get them the attention and recognition they craved.
Its interesting to contrast these anonymous mass shootings with
how men in criminal gangs operate.
When gang members kill, they usually kill one or two targeted people, not a random group of bystanders.
TWITTER group to which he belongs, his status
Because a perpetuator of gang-related violence has a small, intimate
as a man is on a much firmer foundation than the loner young man who feels hes constantly belittled. The
gangland killer doesnt need to kill dozens of random people EMAIL
to feel like an alpha.
Blunting the psychological consequence of male status defeat will require a multi-pronged attack
including changing our commercial cultures twisted emphasis on consumerism and sex as the defining
status markers of men. But the most important prong is bolstering the small, intimate social groups that
were evolved for and in which a mans quest to experience the status of Man is more readily available.
These essential social circles break down into: Family, Honor Group, and Community. Lets take a look at
each of these elements.
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While I just spilled a lot of e-ink on the way in which the lack of social ties leads some men to destructive
patterns, the cultivating of our bonds with others shouldnt be seen in the negative light as in, their only
function is to keep us from going nuts. Rather, its an incredibly positive aspect of masculinity, and in fact
the one thing that psychological research has proved time and time again to be the linchpin in living the
fullest, happiest life possible. Theres no eudemonia to be had in this world without rich relationships.
Theres no manhood in the absence of relationships either. For those looking to live the ancient code, seek
to establish the following circles of sociality in your life, to the extent that you are able.
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present age.
In primitive times and really up until the 20th century, people were constantly surrounded by their
extended family. Husband and wife didnt have to lean on
each other as much there were uncles and
aunts and cousins and grandparents to lend support. And163
friends were common you all might
grow up and die in the same small town together.
Today, in America at least, extended families are usually scattered across the country. Your parents live in
California, youre in Texas, and your sister is in Ohio. Good friends step into the familial roleuntil they
move away. The only constant companion you can count on in your lifes journey is your spouse.
Some social commentators have worried that this has put tooFACEBOOK
much stress on one person. But I honestly
think the relationship can take it especially now that marriage has evolved to where you marry your
TWITTER you to. I think its what the story of
very best friend instead of the person society or your family expected
Adam and Eve foretold, actually. Exceptionally close marriages are the culmination of the institution the
highest spiritual truth, and an incredibly powerful thing. You EMAIL
and her, against the world, building the
world. Within the intimacy of marriage, the innate masculine and feminine energies that we previously
guarded and even denied often naturally emerge. Were sometimes surprised to discover these feelings,
and how much we enjoy them.
On a more practical level, the married couple has really become the most nimble unit for adventure and
entrepreneurship. With everyone so mobile, the easiest, most effective thing to do is to team up with the
person you know will stick around for the long haul.
All of this is to say, that as youre plotting your roadmap to living as a man in the 21st century, make
marriage a goal you actively pursue. In and of itself, marriage isnt as strongly connected to the traditional
code of manhood as the other elements we have talked about, but what it leads to, is: children.
Procreation is one of the three pillars of the ancient, universal code of manhood. But in modern times, its
certainly the least popular and the most controversial!
But though it may, ahem, beget me plenty of ire, again I will say that the family is central to the vitality of
Mens most primal biological drive is to reproduce and pass on their genes. This drive is really what
motivated mens striving for excellence in the other manly imperatives. Men sought to be proficient
hunters and fearless warriors to impress their fellow men, and consequently to gain a reputation as a
superior provider and protector that would garner them more opportunities for mates, sex, and progeny.
And once men had secured those wives and children, they were motivated to feed them and keep them
Thus, the nuclear family serves as a mighty bulwark against the dissolution of manliness. In a large,
complex, and diverse society, where an honor culture can no longer function, a man with a wife and
children still has small group tiny tribe to protect and provide for. The code of manhood, as
discussed above, can definitely be pursued for its own sake, but having people depend on your adherence
to it is highly motivating. The code of manhood evolved in part to integrate men into society and
counteract mens tendency to go their own way; and with families crumbling, thats exactly what some
men are doing.
As a husband and father of two children, I can attest to the motivating power that family can have on a
mans life. Life isnt just about me anymore. And I couldnt be happier about that. Beyond scratching that
primal itch to pass on ones genes, having kids is just amazingly fulfilling a dimension of human
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existence that, if youre truly seeking a life of full flourishing, shouldnt be missed.
While I often feel that all I need in the world is my merry band of McKays, I know thats not enough
not if I want to keep the code of manhood, activate my innate masculinity, and live the fullest possible
If the family is the basic social unit of society, the gang has always been the basic social unit of males.
Our chimpanzee relatives ganged together in all-male groups to patrol the perimeter and to raid competing
groups territory. Anthropologists have found that ancestral humans did something similar by forming
closely-bonded hunting and fighting bands.
The male gang, what I like to call a platoon, constitutes an honor group an exclusive, tight-knit,
all-male society of equals. Every member is expected to live a certain code of behavior: those who excel
at the standards are honored; those who fail the minimum requirements or show disdain or indifference
for them are shamed, and possibly excluded.
Honor groups foster both inter- and intra-competition between men. A platoon will test their skills and
prowess in contests with other platoons, while men compete for status within the platoon to see who is the
best in the group. The two tracks of competition feed each other in competing amongst themselves for
status, the platoon becomes stronger and better prepared to meet an external competitor.
Honor groups are governed by respect you respect the code, and you respect your brothers, and so you
care what they think. While we often think of honor as staying true to ones own standards, thats actually
integrity classic honor meant having a reputation worthy of respect and admiration as judged by ones
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male peers.
The idea that we must rely on the judgments of others for our status as men flies in the face of
modernitys hyper-individualistic attitude. You often hear
men today say things like, A real man doesnt
care what anyone else thinks about him! or, A real man
need other men to tell him whats
manly, or, Being a man means whatever you want it to.
What these men dont realize is that theyre voicing a conception of manhood that runs completely
contrary to the ancient code.
Manhood has always been earned. And just as awarding yourself an Olympic gold medal for a race that
no one witnesses carries no value, awarding yourself the status
of man is meaningless. For manhood to
really mean anything, others have to recognize it in you.
But what do you do when you dont respect the opinion of men in your society theyre not your equals,
they dont share your standards, theyre not fellow men of honor?
EMAILThe ancient Romans faced this problem
when their empire began to crumble and cultural decadence set
in. The Stoics solution was to withdraw
into themselves to become impervious to the judgments of others. While theres wisdom in this
response, as we discussed in the sections on mental toughness and autonomy above, its not a complete
solution and there are serious drawbacks to be found in it.
First, making yourself the only judge of yourself is a recipe for narcissism and mediocrity. Honor begins
as an inner-conviction of self-worth, but then you must present this claim to your peers for validation.
Other people serve as a mirror of the self and a check to your pride they are there to call bullocks on an
inflated or false self-assessment. Without this important check, men become like Narcissus staring at
only themselves all day and absolutely loving what they see. An honor group facilitates the giving and
receiving of open and honest feedback, so you can assess where you can improve. Being accountable to
other men whose opinion you care about, and not wanting to let them down, pushes you to be better. And
the competition for status within a male group motivates you to be your best. As the old proverb notes,
iron sharpens iron.
Second, social withdrawal can lead to isolation, and isolation is psychologically crippling. We still carry
that primal itch to run around in all-male groups, but due to increased mobility and an ever-increasing
dog-eat-dog world of marketplace competition, many modern men go through adult life without a close
posse. Research indicates that the decline of close male friendships has contributed to a host of mental
and physical ailments in males, and there are studies that show that men with few close friends die
younger and are more likely to report being depressed than men with several close friends. Further, men
who are part of close-knit, all-male groups have greater resiliency to pain and stress. Seeking honor
together forges these kinds of vital tight bonds.
Thus, I strongly suggest you seek to wed the timeless code of manhood with the wisdom of the Stoics.
Scratch that itch for male camaraderie by joining (or forming) an honor group with men who share your
standards. Respect the judgment of men inside your platoon. But when it comes to men outside your
circle, who are not your equals and do not share your standards, cultivate a studied indifference to their
A modern man must live with both integrity and honor inner conviction and concern for reputation
among men should work together. When outside your honor group, and nobody is watching, your
conscience keeps you living the standards you believe in; when back with your platoon of men, they
strengthen your motivation to live those standards.
For modern men, an honor group can be found in joining a sports team, fraternal organization, collegiate
club, mens group, or small group at church. If there isnt a mens group out there that interests you, start
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While men sometimes create gangs that exist only for themselves such as criminal or pirate gangs
men almost always formed groups that served their tribes needs. In primitive times, men formed bands to
hunt and to fight in order to feed and protect their people. Men found their purpose and identity not only
in their families and honor groups, but within the community as a whole.
Thus an element than underlies each of the 3 Ps of Manhood was the requirement for a man to be in the
arena to have a presence on the community stage. A man was
not to seek the security of being a
recluse at home, where he could believe whatever he wanted about himself; rather, he had to expose
himself to risk by proving his accomplishments publicly, show
his acts and deeds in visible, concrete
ways, be willing to rub shoulders with and test himself against his fellow men, and contribute to
strengthening his tribe by generously giving back to others from his fortunate gains.
A mans status as a man in genuine communities is on a far surer foundation. Though we often deny it, we
are all social animals. While much of our identity is created within, its also created by the way in which
others perceive us. When people treat us like a man, we feel like a man. Because every person in a small
community knows the man and whether he has gained the status of man or not, they know whether to
treat him as such and what to expect from him. A man doesnt have to do huge things to get noticed and
appreciated, and is respected for the small things he does to contribute and keep the code. When everyone
around you recognizes the manhood within you, status anxiety is quelled, and confidence waxes strong.
Unfortunately, genuine communities are hard to come by in the modern age. Real communities are
intimate, like extensions of ones family. Most of us in the modern world spend our time in what
education reformer John Taylor Gatto calls networks. Networks, according to Gatto, are ad hoc social
organizations made up of only weak tie relationships. Unlike communities that require the whole person,
networks only ask for the part of a person thats pertinent to that particular networks limited and
specialized aim. Theyre geared towards efficiently organizing and managing large numbers of people.
Large corporations, universities, and internet forums are a few examples of networks.
Theres nothing bad about networks in and of themselves. Networks make the modern world run. The
problem arises when your entire social life is made up of just networks. As I argued at the beginning of
this chapter, a big problem facing modern men today is that achieving status is becoming harder and
harder. And Id argue that increased network living and decreased intimate community life is a big culprit
in that. Achieving and maintaining status the status that all men innately desire in a networked life
is just more difficult. In our connected world, we regularly only see the hyper-successful profiles of Mark
Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs, Tim Ferriss, etc, instead of Average Joe who is a great family man, and great at
being a man. Men today feel they have to do big, and sometimes destructive, things to get noticed.
I know some would say, Tough beans. You got to adapt or die if you want to make it in this world. To
which I would agree to an extent. Id just argue that while were striving and fighting for success and
status in the hurly burly of network life, we need to cultivate an intimate community life where the small,
everyday contributions of a man are recognized and valued. A rich community life coupled with a strong
family and a close-knit honor group serve as a psychological bulwark against the many status defeats a
man will invariably face in his networks.
Ill admit that creating a genuine community is a difficult task in our modern world, but certainly
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possible. The easiest way is to move to a small town in which community life is often a natural part of the
order. But not everyone can do that. So youll need to create a community within your networks. This
could be a church, a neighborhood, a gym, or a collegiate society. Ill go more in depth on this subject in a
post later this month.
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As folks have been reading along, and reviewing the various elements of the code of
manhood, I can imagine some have seen fit to exclaim: Im
sterile/gay/disabled. Does that
mean Ill never be a man because I cant protect, provide, or procreate? What about me?!
Well, what about you?
Seriously though, What about me? is a question thats
antithetical to the ancient code of
manhood. A man living in a hunter-gatherer tribe wouldnt think of asking that question.
Instead, hed ask himself this question: So I cant do X
part of the code. What parts can I
A central tenet of the code of manliness was looking to pull your own weight, in whatever
capacity you could. So if there was an element that you couldnt fulfill perfectly, you did
what you could in your capacity, and you strove to be even better than average in the
elements you could tackle.
Gay? Be a manly warrior. Sterile? Adopt. Physically disabled? Sharpen your intellect. I cant
possibly lay out a roadmap for every possible exception. Just become stronger where you can
and create more. Do whatever you can to pull your weight among men and contribute to your
community. A man who decides not to have children because he wants to become a priest or
devote his life to finding a cure for cancer keeps his claim to manhood. A man who doesnt
want to have kids because he wants to save his money for trips to Applebees and parasailing
in Belize, does not.
When we fall short of some tenets of the code, the temptation is either to say, Well the whole
idea of manhood is dumb anyway, or to move the yardsticks on manhood so that its
definition is so broad that it doesnt leave anybody out. We live under what I call the tyranny
of the exception, in which you cant advocate for any standard that not everyone can meet
100%. We dont want anyone to feel bad, so we do away with standards altogether, or water
them down so much they become meaningless. But for something to have meaning, its got to
have limits and parameters. Thats not a bad thing, if we dont look at it that way, and we
make room for the exceptions who respect the code and do their best with it. Even if we all
live the code imperfectly (and every single man does), it provides something to strive for,
which ultimately makes every man, whatever their personal circumstances, better.
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This definition contrasts manhood with boyhood, rather than manhood and womanhood. Thus, its a great
definition of maturity, for both sexes. While both men and women strive for the same virtues, we often
express them differently and take different pathways to the same peaks. Its like two musical instruments
playing the same notes, but creating two distinct and equally
Brett wonderful sounds.
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But what exactly makes manly virtue different from womanly virtue? Why are the same virtues expressed
and attained differently in men and women?
Id argue that living the ancient code of man is what shapes the form of your instrument (your body and
mind) and thus the sound (virtue) that it makes. Embodying the
code of manhood is what makes the
music of your life sound more like a tuba, and less like a flute.
Another metaphor to understand the role virtue plays in manliness is that of a Greek temple. If the three
Ps are the pillars for the edifice of the temple of manhood, then virtue is the crowning touch to that
building. Virtue adds beauty, grace, and refinement to our lives just like the metopes did to ancient Greek
temples. Virtue is what takes the raw masculine energy that weve activated by living the code of
manhood, and guides and channels it towards worthy ends.
This isnt to say that you should strive for virtue only after youve erected the pillars of manhood. Im
sure ancient artisans didnt wait to carve out the reliefs in the metopes that would set atop the pillars of a
temple until after the pillars were erected. Virtue is something we should cultivate at all times even while
were making ourselves into men.
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fine. For me thats better than going after some distorted version of the pillars of manhood, like basing
your sole identity as a man on the number of women you sleep with or the amount of money you earn.
While feminism and gender is an easy scapegoat these days for societys problems, I think the lions share
of our cultural woes can be traced to the fact that we dont
emphasize plain old virtue at all, for either sex.
Society would be a hundred times better if all folks men
women alike sought to be people of
163 and
real character.
But seeking to become a good man, while completely ignoring the pursuit of becoming good at being a
man, does create a couple of problems. First, as we discussed above, developing your physical strength
and capacity to fight facilitates the attainment of higher and more spiritual virtues. By neglecting being
good at being a man in favor of being a good man, you ironically stymie your pursuit of virtue. To
achieve true eudemonia, we should seek to exercise our innate
characteristics, while also expanding our
higher spirit.
Second, a mans claim to virtue is weak if he doesnt have the virile fortitude and strength to back it up
when challenged. The cloak of virtue hangs very awkwardly EMAIL
on a man without fire and fight; it droops
and sags when draped across a structure that lacks strength and firmness. We all know amiable men who
are sickly thin or grossly overweight, who look like theyd burst into tears if a bully broke their walking
stick and would get winded mounting a flight of stairs. These mealy men profess to be nice guys, perfect
gentlemen, but we dont respect them as men, and not even as gentlemen either. As John Waynes
character says in the film McClintock, You have to be a man, before you can be a gentleman. We
invariably chuckle and cringe at men who get this equation backwards.
Theodore Roosevelt preached this message to young men throughout his life. TR perfectly embodied the
Complete Man one who is both good at being a man and a good man. Roosevelts father was his
example in this, a man who really did combine the strength and courage and will and energy of the
strongest man with the tenderness, cleanness, and purity of woman. He taught TR that I was always to
be both decent and manly, and that if I were manly nobody would laugh at my being decent.
In an address to a graduating class of boys, TR described the ideal of manhood strength coupled with
virtue, toughness wed to tenderness:
When I speak of the American boy, what I say really applies to the grown-ups nearly as
much as to the boysI want to see you game, boys; I want to see you brave and manly; and I
also want to see you gentle and tender. In other words, you should make it your object to be
the right kind of boys at home, so that your family will feel a genuine regret, instead of a
sense of relief, when you stay away; and at the same time you must be able to hold your own
in the outside world. You can not do that if you have not manliness, courage in you. It does
no good to have either of those two sets of qualities if you lack the other. I do not care how
nice a little boy you are, how pleasant at home, if when you are out you are afraid of other
little boys lest they be rude to you; for if so you will not be a very happy boy nor grow up a
very useful man. When a boy grows up I want him to be of such a type that when somebody
wrongs him he will feel a good, healthy desire to show the wrong-doers that he can not be
wronged with impunity. I like to have the man who is a citizen feel, when a wrong is done to
the community by any one, when there is an exhibition of corruption or betrayal of trust, or
demagogy or violence, or brutality, not that he is shocked and horrified and would like to go
home; but I want to have him feel the determination to put the wrong-doer down, to make the
man who does wrong aware that the decent man is not only his superior in decency, but his
superior in strength.
If you want to become the Complete Man, seek both virtue and virility.
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The older I grow, the more everything seems to me to lie in manliness. This is my new
gospel. Vivekananda
Are there reasons to live the code of manhood in a time where it isnt always appreciated and isnt acutely
Is it possible to live as a man without blowing up civilization or taking up residence in a cave?
In laying out this roadmap to manhood in the 21st century, I have attempted to answer these questions in
the affirmative. I have offered a positive, proactive approach to explain and resolve the conflicts of
modern manliness in the form of the Manhood Reserve. I have argued that not only is it possible to
activate your innate masculine energy in our techno-industrial age, but it is the most desirable course of
life to pursue. In taking up the hard way, and readying yourself for every possible contingency, you both
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scratch the primal masculine itch within and achieve eudemonia a life of excellence and full
Perhaps you still have doubts about joining the ManhoodBrett
Reserve. Thats natural. Deciding how to live
your life is a big decision, and one that youll ponder and163
throughout the years.
In cultures around the world, manhood was often thought of as a kind of faith. The analogy is apt. Just
like with a religion, the cult of manhood has tenets and standards of behavior to adopt, and promises
rewards and privileges to those who keep them. One cannot see the masculine energy within, and while
some will call upon it anyway, others will deny its existence. Some
will celebrate the code and others will
blaspheme against it.
Just as with evaluating the claims of any faith, you can and should gather as much evidence to support its
truth as you can. But at a certain point you must simply makeTWITTER
a leap.
This doesnt mean throwing yourself into it whole hog. Do anEMAIL
experiment; begin to live the code of
manhood in small ways. Even if you think its just not you,MORE
try it anyway. Oftentimes what we feel sure
is our true self turns about to have been an amalgam of how we were raised, pop culture, and exposure
to thousands of advertisements, TV, and movies. You might be surprised at how satisfying doing these
unfamiliar things actually feels.
Once you plant that experimental seed within you, check on how its doing. What kind of fruit is it
bearing? Has it brought you satisfaction? Has it increased your self-assurance and sense of purpose and
direction? If so (and I feel confident it will) continue on in your journey to becoming the Complete Man.
I hope I will be able to count the men reading this as my brothers in the Manhood Reserve. And I hope
well support each other as we travel the hard way and seek to live semper virilis.
When I originally started the 3 Ps of Manhood series back in February(!), I thought this was just going to
be a single post. 3 Ps of Manhood? That sounds nifty! Ill write a quick little diddy about it! (Insert
rueful laughter here.) Little did I know that I had jumped into a deep rabbit hole. This series has quite
possibly been the most mentally taxing thing Ive ever written, and I definitely couldnt have done it by
First, I want to thank my wife and Mate Woman Kate McKay for all her help throughout this series. I sent
her some drafts that were real turds and she was always able to polish them into nice shiny jewels. (And
no, my dear conspiracy theorists, she never tried to soften or feminize my rhetoric; on the contrary, she
kept encouraging me to use a more forthright and less conciliatory tone throughout.) Her assistance in the
research department was, as always, top-notch, and she added some seriously incisive insights to the
endeavor. I am quite privileged to be a part of the ranks of manly writers like Hemingway, Steinbeck, and
London who happily turned to their wives to edit and improve their works.
Id also like to thank Jeremy Anderberg for editing these behemoth posts on top of the regular work he
does on the site. And often on a short turn-around!
Thanks to Ted Slampyak and Derek Hart for their killer artwork and graphics for this last post. Definitely
added some finishing panache to them.
Also, thanks to David Gilmore for writing the book that inspired this whole series, as well as Jack
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Donovan for writing the book on the core of masculinity that challenged my ideas of manhood.
And finally, I want to thank all of the readers who actually took the time to read the series all the way
through and provided encouragement and kind words ofBrett
appreciation along the way. This was one tough
nut to crack, and your encouragement truly kept us going.
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Stay Manly,
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