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Private Guitar tutoring lessons Bloomfield Hills, MI.
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Popular Guitar Teachers near Bloomfield Hills, MI
Check out some of our most popular teachers near Bloomfield Hills, MI including New Baltimore, Oak Park, Belleville, Walled Lake and Wyandotte.
About Ivan W.Close
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Learn components of the guitar, fretboard, strings, notes of music, major and minor keys, chord construction, scales, shapes, transcription, reading, ear training, timing and rhythm music theory, improvising, several playing techniques, how to play songs, and much more. i teach not just to play but to understand what you are playing.
About Ivan
*** Lesson Details ***
Depending on the student's current level of understanding music and playing your instrument, i start with the healthy way to play your instrument, traditional left hand and right hand techniques, learning exercises, scales, chords, keys, ear training for how to find the part in songs, also music theory including how to read music, and improvising, then different styles of playing bass and guitar, including thump and pluck, now known as slap bass, hammer and tap, harmonics, flamenco and more, most of all i make it fun. With practice you will know how to play your instrument very well, or if you just want to learn songs or licks, its all good i work for you. are you ready? i am, lets go
*** Travel Equipment ***
i can provide a bass, a guitar, a keyboard and amp, but i expect student to have their own instrument and amp to practice
*** Specialties ***
i teach all genres, and i teach you to understand the music on your instrument.
· Bass Guitar · Online
· Guitar · Online
· Bass Guitar · Online
Ivan W.
Ivan W.
About Nicholas C.Close
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I aim to instill a love of music and of the instrument through both student guided song selections from popular genres and movie/video game soundtracks, as well as technical and music reading exercises designed to make my students well rounded and ready for any way they choose to pursue music.
About Nicholas
Nicholas been a musician in some form or another for as long as he can remember. His musical journey started when he was only six, with a delve into the realm of classical piano. While there he studied under world class child prodigy Josh Cullen. The composers that he studied include Bach, Beethoven, Barton, Hayden and many others.
From here he progressed to playing jazz trumpet, studying the Jamey Aebersold method un
Then at the age of 11, with the help of his grandfather he discovered the guitar. He learned quickly on his old SR guitar. He quickly discovered that he had a natural taste for blues phrasing, and his soloing abilities quickly blossomed. 2 years later, he had formed his first band, Spherical. It was through this band that he found the bass.
His journey into the realm of bass, began out of necessity and progressed into love of the bottom end. Since then, he has been collecting basses, playing, living and breathing bass. He now realizes the importance of a funky beat, a subtle line and most important of all A Tight Groove!!!
The benefit of studying under someone with a vast array of both talent and experience is clear.
*** Lesson Details ***
During his musical career Nicholas has played almost every style of music; from folk to experimental from jazz to rock. One thread holds true through all music, it has to groove.
During the course of a lesson he will cover a broad range of topics starting from the basics, and moving into ear training, sight-reading, theoretical knowledge and most important for bass players, groove. Just as every player has their own musical personality and voice, so to does every lesson that Nicholas gives.
In a supportive, patient environment, every lesson is custom tailored to the student.
*** Studio Equipment ***
Home: lessons in dedicated music room with piano and stereo, guitars/basses, cables/amps
*** Specialties ***
Jazz Studies major at Wayne State University. Has a firm understanding of music across both the classical and jazz idioms spanning multiple instruments.
· Piano · In studio
· Trumpet · Online
· Trumpet · In studio
Nicholas C.
Nicholas C.
About Benjamin M.Close
I teach both Acoustic and Electric Guitar. I am also well-versed in the experimental range of Prepared Guitar, use of Electronic Effects and unique approaches in Improvisation - both Standard and Experimental. I can teach using a pick, fingers, eBow, feedback etc. I can also teach Music Theory, Harmony and 12-tone Composition. Creativity and Learning by Ear is Encouraged.
About Benjamin
Whether you want to pursue a Musical Career or simply learn how to Play your Favorite Tunes for friends and family, I am here as your Teacher and Guide. I teach at my own home, at the Student's home or through the use of Skype.
I am originally from Ann Arbor. I spent much of this century living in NYC and prior to that I lived in Chicago. Those experiences vastly helped me develop Networking, Performance and Teaching experience. I now live in southwest Detroit near River Rouge.
As a Father of four, I have had the joy in teaching my own children Guitar, Saxophone, Songwriting, Composition and Keyboard. As a parent I have found that Patience and Encouragement is often the best form of support.
It has been proven that learning Music helps develop intuition, self-awareness, and social skills as well as imp
One of the most important aspects of playing Music is being able to Play by Ear. This has been a priceless gift that I was born with and have developed throughout my life. I encourage all musicians, young and old, to do the same. The use of simple Rhythmic Dictation and Ear Training exercises can do wonders for "picking out" Beats and Harmonies no matter what Genre we are interested in.
I attended music courses at The Boston School of Contemporary Music and Thomas Jefferson College (MI). I have a BA at Columbia College Chicago double majoring in Music Composition and English .
My band THIRD BORDER's "Sun of Water; Sea of Light" was selected to be nominated for the Grammy's as The Best Alternative Album of the Year in 2006. On this record, I played Guitar, Saxophone, sang Lead Vocal and wrote all the Songs. If you are a Songwriter, we can polish up your approach.
As a Composer, I have done Sound Design for Film, Dance, Spoken Word and Multi-media Performance - most notably with renowned poet Anne Carson and former members of The Merce Cunningham Dance Co. I also formed and composed two symphonies for my 12-member saxophone orchestra in NYC. Currently, I am rehearsing new work with a Detroit-based multiinstrumental orchestra.
I hope to talk to you soon!
*** Lesson Details ***
My teaching style is relaxed with a forte on Patience and Encouragement. Though I have specific expectations on what needs to be learned, I gear each lesson towards the student's wishes and their personal direction in Creativity. Whether you are a beginner or an advanced student, I can guide you wherever you are headed!
For Guitar (acoustic or electric), you will learn the fundamentals of Music Theory, Chord Structure, varied Strumming and Picking Techniques, and Scale Positions to travel from one part of the neck to the other. Any song you wish to learn, I can teach!
For Saxophone, you will learn proper Embouchure technique, Notation, Music Theory, and Scale Patterns for improvisation. Whether you are interested in a Classical, Blues, Funk or Jazz approach, I can help you find your own sound that is both personal and professional.
I teach 2nd year Piano and Drums/Percussion directing you into Intermediate level.
For those leaning toward the experimental genres, I am well-versed in the use of Electronics. Much can be accomplished with my lessons on Sound-Scape Improvisation either as 1 on 1 or Group Workshops.
*** Studio Equipment ***
At Home Studio: music stands, metronome, guitar amps, electric and acoustic guitars, guitar tablature, staff music paper, a scanner for weekly homework. I can also record and send MP3s of our lessons to review at home if you wish.
*** Travel Equipment ***
Students will need their own instrument, a mutually chosen music book to learn from, a metronome, and hopefully easy access to a keyboard (very helpful!)
*** Specialties ***
I am fluent in Rock genres, Blues, Beginning Jazz, Beginning Classical technique, Prepared Guitar, Electronics/Sound Art.
· Bass Guitar · In studio
· Saxophone · In studio
· Saxophone · In home
Benjamin M.
Benjamin M.
About Bill G.Close
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I teach everything from finger style classical/Flamenco guitar to all classic/alternative/indie rock; as well as songwriting development and arranging, and music theory.
About Bill
From first lesson beginners to highly advanced students; and from simple songs to elaborate music theory, improvisation, and songwriting development; all are welcome to sign up with this patient, and highly recommended teacher.
Starting guitar lessons at a very young age; Bill went on to win many regional, national, and international awards through out his formative years as a student. Writing and recording in several different styles over the years; and also being a vocalist and songwriter; he founded Indie Fusion trio The Static Dia
Feel free to message with any questions about potential lessons; we'd love to hear from you!.
*** Lesson Details ***
As an instructor, I start students with the basics (open chords, major/minor and blues scales, general rhythm/timing, and beginner technique), and like to get at least a basic ability to sight read (music notation).
For younger students, I get them started on a beginner book for sight reading music and simple/basic songs to start with and build up their ability.
If a student is a little more capable, we start on a more modern/popular song they like. For my more advanced students, we get into music theory (cycle of fifths, harmony, chord language, etc.) and with some students we study specific genres.
My approach is one of building up a student's self confidence, and ultimately making learning fun. I take teaching seriously and value my student's time; so I work to get the most out of them, and to make their lessons worth while. All ages and levels are welcome!
*** Studio Equipment ***
Studio space in Helen's of Troy. Office is furnished with seating, music stand, and amplifier.
Student must have their own instrument and pick.
*** Specialties ***
I'm a singer/songwriter as well as a guitar player/instructor, so the construction and arranging of a song; from the music to the lyrics; are very much within my experience and teaching.
· Guitar · In studio
· Guitar · In studio
· Guitar · In home
Bill G.
Bill G.
About Marc M.Close
I am very patient, and beginners to experienced players are all welcome!
About Marc
I am a classically trained guitarist that performs both as a soloist and for ensemble in a wide variety of styles. I graduated in 1996 from Schoolcraft College with an Associates degree in Music performance, and then, studying under the tutelage of Brian Roberts went on to receive my Bachelor's degree in Guitar Performance with a secondary in Jazz from Wayne State University in 2004. While at Wayne State and along the way I've performed and participated in several masterclasses with renowned artists: William Kanengiser, John Holmquest, Philip Candelaria, Jason Vieaux, Scott Tennant, and Antigoni Goni. I have also completed the teacher requirements for books 1-a and 1-b for the Suzuki Guitar Institute.
Many of my classical guitar and electric guitar students have went on to study further at the collegiate level, some achieving scholarships. My most recent students are current Berklee school of music graduates now in a band called "Flight of Fire", recently opened for Bonjovi this past summer and are getting air time on local radio stations... well on their way to living the dream! â¦the bulk of my students become full time professional musicians.
*** Lesson Details ***
I am an extremely patient person who has been teaching for over 20 years. I am laid back so there will be no pressure. With my electric and steel string guitar students, I host a special "Jam Session" 2 - 3 times a year to which will be one of your goals to participate in. This includes playing with a drummer, bassist, singer and another guitar player (usually me) and having it recorded. This should serve as your motivation to practice. This really eliminates the need for me to pull out a "yardstick" and "smack" your hands over the knuckles when not practicing your scales as many old traditional teachers may have done!
At your first lesson I will talk with you and give you examples of music that is played with a Flat-Pick, or music that uses the Finger-Style technique. This will be an important process as it will dictate which direction you will go in as a musician and especially during our lessons.
For the most part, playing with a Flat-Pick is generally used with the electric guitar and with most mainstream styles of music like "Rock and Roll", "Blues", "Rock-a-Billy" "Funk", and playing with the Finger-Style technique is used in styles like "Classical" and "Folk." After a while, I will introduce you to the other style of playing as well, as most great guitar players use both techniques in their playing...musicians (guitarists) such as: âJimmy Pageâ, âBrian Setzerâ, âStevie Ray Vaughanâ, âJoe Satrianiâ, âLindsey Buckinghamâ, âPaul McCartneyâ, âJohn Mayerâ, and many, many more.
To make learning the guitar Fun, I make sure to incorporate your main interest(s) first. Whether it be learning your new favorite song(s), learning how to write a song, or just learning some basics that you can use for when sitting around the campfire. This will be intertwined with which style you choose to start with: Flat-Pick or Finger-Style.
Pending on the level that you are starting at, (beginner, intermediate, advanced) I will include tidbits of music theory that will be used in a consistent manner. These will usually be progressive, pending on your level. For example, the songs you learn will be written out in an easy to understand chart that will have the fundamental aspects of theory (IE, chords, key, and rhythm pattern) that all musicians should understand.
With Children learning with a Flat-Pick, I encourage the use of a basic guitar instruction book.
Level One (beginners) :
"Hal Leonard Guitar Method Book One" by Will Schmid.
I will also use as a substitute for Level One:
"Alfred's Basic Guitar Method" by Alfred's Publishing Co.
More advanced players who can read music already (and graduates from book one) I prefer;
"Hal Leonard Guitar Method Book Two"
With Adults, I will ask if learning to read music interests you. It is a vital part of a practicing musician, but sometimes your needs may require a more one dimensional approach as time may be of essence. Again, I learned by ear and educated myself later...so I understand the person who wants to hold off on reading right away.
Students who want to learn the Classical (Finger-Style) approach will be encouraged to purchase a beginners book that I use written by one of my first instructors/mentor. It is a very intuitive book that covers the technique in great detail yet is very easy to understand (along with my help.) I will provide means of acquiring this book at your first lesson.
Students who want to learn the Folk (Finger-Style) approach will usually start in the above book, unless your an adult who just wants to learn some basics.
At your first lesson I will also provide you with documentation that goes more in depth about the various styles of guitar as the above info is scaled down.
*** Studio Equipment ***
-Guitars (Electric, Acoustic, Classical, Bass)
- PA (loud speakers so you can Turn it Up! When playing along)
-Band in a Box (to play along with real prerecorded instruments seamlessly interleaved into a band type setting with almost unlimited genre choices...very impressive technology)
- Pro Tools (recording gear for all needs)
- Guitar Pro and Finale (to transpose music into sheet music)
-Skype (for out of town interactivity. Can do lessons via Skype)
-Basement with plenty of seating for parents, and or observers.
*** Specialties ***
I specialize in Classical Guitar, Electric Guitar, and Acoustic Guitar; Improvisation, Songwriting, Backup Vocals, Fretboard Harmony, Music Theory, Performance, and Recording.
· Guitar · Online
· Songwriting · In studio
· Classical Guitar · In studio
Marc M.
Marc M.
About Tom N.Close
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Classic rock, blues and jazz guitar methods, including ear training, improvising, and help with rhythm issues.
About Tom
*** Lesson Details ***
I am very easy to get along with during lessons, however I can provide extra encouragement and motivation the student needs based on their specific goals for taking lessons, whether it be for personal enjoyment or for the purpose of making music their career. I believe that learning music can be fun even as a serious venture, and therefore I incorporate humor when appropriate. The curriculum I use includes: "Berklee, Mel Bay, and Hal Leonard" methods for guitar. For Piano I use "Schaum and Thompson" piano methods as well as Hannon for technique. Additionally, I invite students to suggest personal favorite songs of interest of their choosing as a motivational tool to aid them learning from the music that inspires them. I find this very helpful for students in developing a good ear as well as sparking motivation to practice as they learn from their favorite musical artists in addition to learning the fundamentals of the instrument.
*** Travel Equipment ***
I can provide music method books/sheet music etc. Students would need to own and bring their own instrument to lessons. I also provide guitar amplification.
*** Specialties ***
Berklee, Mel Bay, and Hal Leonard blues guitar method's. Schaum piano method. Hannon Technique. Pop, rock and jazz styles.
· Piano · In studio
· Piano · In home
· Piano · In studio
Tom N.
Tom N.
About Ellie E.Close
View Full Profile
I teach using the evaluation and gradient method. Students skills, knowledge and proficiency are evaluated and then we progress up the gradient to higher levels all the while objectively measuring the students integration of new skills and concepts to ensure practical proficiency.
About Ellie
I also specialize in Bollywood Music. Below is a list of transcriptions that I have done for my students.
Hindi, Malayalam,Tamil and Telugu Cinema, Pop and Traditional Music Transcriptions
(with a few other genres thrown in)
1. Aaj Saanu O Mileya (Punjab)...................................from the film "Zubaan"
2. Aaj Unse Milna Hai..................................................from the film "Prem Ratan"
3. Aapke Pyaar Mein Hum...........................................from the film "Raaz"
4. All Izz Well...............................................................from the 2009 film "3 Idiots"
5. Ammadu Let's Do Kummudo (Telugu)....................from the 2017 film "Khaidi No 150"
6. Apurupamainadamma Aadajanman (Telugu)...........from the 1996 film "Pavitra Bandham"
7. Arikil Pathiye (Malayalam)......................................from the film "Oru Murai Vanthu
8. Aum Namah Shivaya................................................Mantra
9. Aayiram Kannumay (Malayalam)............................from the 1984 film "Nokketha Doorathu
Kannum Nattu"
10. Azhagiye (Tamil)....................................................from the 2017 film "Kaatru Veliyidai"
11. Bandish in Raag Bahaar..........................................Kaliyana Sanga Karataa Ranga-Raliyaa
12. Bandish in Raag Bhimpalasi..................................Jaa, Jaa Re Apane Mandiravaa
13. Bandish in Raag Bhupali.......................................Jaau Tore Sharana Kamal Para Vaara
14. Bandish in Raag Kedar..........................................Bola Bola Mose, Nanda Kuvaravaa
15. Bandish in Raag Yaman........................................Piyaa Ki Najariyaa Jaadu Bhari
16. Bandish ki Thurmi in Raag Kafi...........................Chaado Chaado Chelaa, Mori Biayaa
17. Banno Humari......................................................from the 2016 album "Banna Geet"
18. Bekhudi.................................................................from the film "Tera Surroor"
19. Bhaador Aashin Maashey (Bengali)
20. Bhador Ashwin Mase (Bengali) Bhoomi
21. Blockbuster (Telugu).............................................from the 2016 film "Sarrainodu"
22. Blue Eyes
23. Bolna........................................................................from the film "Kapoor and Sons"
24. Carnatic Saralivarisai Notes
25. Chaiyya Chaiyya.......................................................from the film "Dil Se"
*26. Chal Pyar Karegi....................................................from the film "Jab Pyaar Kisise Hota Hai"
27. Chammak Challo......................................................from the film "Ra. One"
28. Chandrashekhara Astakam (Telugu).........................from the Album "Shiva Strothra Mala"
29. Channa Mereya........................................................from the 2016 film "Ae Dil Hai Mushkil"
30. Chehra Hai Ya Chaand Khila Hai.............................from the film "Saagar"
31. Chura Liya Hai..........................................................from the film "Yaadon Ki Baaraat"
32. Cinema Choopistha Mama Song (Telugu)................from the film "Race Gurram"
33. Crazy Feeling (Telugu).............................................from the film "Nenu Sailaja"
34. Dheere Dheere Se Meri Zindagi (older version)......from the film "Aashiqui"
35. Dheere Se Meri Zindagi (new version)
*36. Dilli Wali Girlfriend................................................from the film "Yeh Jawaani Hai
37. D.J. Waley Babu
38. Don' u Don' u Don' u (Tamil)...................................from the film "Maari"
*39. Eena Meena Teeka (Tamil)....................................from the film "Theri"
40. Ek Do Teen..............................................................from the 1988 film "Tezaab"
41. Ek Sanam Chahiye Aashiqui Ke Liye.....................from the 1990 film "Aashiqui"
*42. Fevicol Se............................................................ from the film "Dabanng"
43. Follow Follow (Telugu)..........................................from the film "Nannaku Prematho"
44. Geetham 1...............................................................Malahari Ragam
45. Geetham 6...............................................................Mohana Ragam
46. Geetham 11..............................................................Ananda Bhairavi Ragam
47. Gerua.......................................................................from the film "Diwale"
48. Govinda Namalu (Telugu).......................................Telugu Devotional Song
49. Gusa Gusa Lade......................................................from the film "Gentleman"
50. Hamsa Naava (Telugu)...........................................from the 2017 film "Bahubali 2: The Conclusion"
51. Harivaranasanam …...............................................from the Sabarimala Temple
52. How To Name It
53. Hum Aapke Hain Koun..........................................from the 1994 film "Pehla Pehla Pyar"
54. The Humma Song
55. Idhayathai Yedho Ondru (Tamil)...........................from the 2015 film "Yennai Arindhaal"
56. Ilaya Nila Pozhigirathe (Tamil)..............................from the film "Payanangal Mudivathillai"
57. Introduction to Indian Classical for Guitar.............from Jazz Guitar Online
58. Itne Shakti Hamein Dena Data................................from the film "Ankush"
59. Jag Ghoomeya Song -female version......................from the film "Sultan"
60. Jai Ganesh Jai Ganesh Deva
61. Jago Mohan Pyare...................................................from the 1956 film "Jagte Raho"
62. Jaya Jaya Jagannatha ( Bengali Bhajan)
63. Jhalli Patakha..........................................................from the film "Saala Khadoos"
64. Kala Chasma...........................................................from the 2016 film "Baar Baar Dekho"
65. Laila Main Laila......................................................from the 2017 film "Raees"
66. Lambiyaan Si Judaiyaan..........................................from the 2017 film "Raabta"
67. Learn Carnatic Music Lesson Gurukula, Jatiswara
68. Learn Carnatic Music Lesson Pillari Geetha Lambodara
69. Learn Carnatic Music Lesson Saralevarisai
70. Lingashtakam (Telugu)..........................................Telugu Chant
71. Main Hoon Hero Tera............................................from the film "Hero"
72. Main Rahoon Ya Na Rahoon
73. Main Shayar To Nahin...........................................from the 1973 film "Bobby"
74. Malare (Malayalam)..............................................from the 2015 film "Premam"
75. Maruvaathai (Tamil)..............................................from the 2017 film "Enai Noki Paayum
76. Maya Nadhi Song (Tamil).....................................from the film "Kabali"
*77. Mehndi Mehndi...................................................from the film "Chori Chori Chupke Chupke"
78. Mella Mella (Tamil)...............................................from the 1984 film "Vaazhkai"
79. Minungum Minnaminuge (Malayalam).................from the 2016 film "Oppam"
80. Mira Mira Meesam (Telugu)..................................from the 2017 film "Katamarayudu"
81. Moodu Pani (Tamil)...............................................from the film "En Iniya Pon Nilavei"
82. Nazar Ke Saamne Jiigar Ke Paas...........................from the film "Aashiqui"
83. Nillayo (Tamil).......................................................from the film "Bairavaa"
84. Ninne Ninne Nammukunnanayya (Telugu)...........Christian Devotional Song
85. Oh! Butterfly (Tamil).............................................from the 1992 film "Meera"
86. Omanathinkal Kidavo (Malayalam)......................Traditional Lullaby
87. Om Jai Jagadish Hare............................................sung by Anuradha Paudwal
88. Om Jai Lakshmi Mata...........................................sung by Priya Mayekar
89. Onnam Raagam Paadi (Malayalam).....................from the 1987 film
90. Oru Kari Mukilinu (Malayalam)...........................from the film "Charlie"
91. Pacha Bottesi (Telugu)..........................................from the film "Baahubali"
92. Papa Kehte............................................................from the film "Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak"
*93. Patola
*94. Peene Ki Tamanna...............................................from the film "Loveshuda"
95. Poomaram (Malayalam)........................................from the 2017 film "Poomaram"
96.Pudhu Vellai Mazhai (Tamil)..................................from the 1992 film "Roja"
97. Punnagai Mannan Theme Music (Tamil)...............from the film Punnagai Mannan
98. Raga Bhupali...........................................................Tarana in Teentaal
99. Raga Durga..............................................................Sakhi Mori Rum Jhum
100. Raghaputi Raghav Raja Ram.................................sung by Hari Om Sharan
101. Sairat Zaala Ji (Marathi)........................................from the 2016 film "Sairat"
102. Sanam Re...............................................................from the film "Sanam Re"
*103. Saree Ke Fall Sa...................................................from the film "R...Rajkumar"
104. Selfie Pulla (Tamil)................................................from the film "Kaththi"
105. Shiva Sandhya Namam (Malayalam)....................Hindu Devotional Songs Malayalam
106. Shyam Teri Bansi Pukare.......................................from the 1975 film "Geet Gaata Chal"
107. Soch Na Sake..........................................................from the film "Airlift"
108. Sree Gananatha......................................................from the album "Ugadi Special Songs"
109. Sri Kanda Sasti Kavasam (Tamil)..........................Songs of Muruga – Devotional Songs
*110. Subha Hone Na Da...............................................from the film "Desi Boyz"
111. Tamma Tamma Again.............................................from the 2017 film "Badrinath Ki
*112. Tera Chehra...........................................................from the film "Sanam Teri Kasam"
113. Thalli Pogathey (Tamil)..........................................from the film "Achcham Yenbathu
114. Thudakkam Magalyam (Malayalam)......................from the 2015 film "Bangalore Days"
115. Tum Hi Ho..............................................................from the film "Aashiqui"
116. Uf Yeh Noor............................................................from the 2017 film "Noor"
117. Varnam
118. Vineem Vithayil (Tamil)..........................................from the film "Thegidi"
119. Violin Song (Telugu)...............................................from the 2013 film "Iddarammayilatho"
120. Why This Kolaveri Di? (Tamil/English)..................from the film "3"
121. Yashomati Maiya Se Bole Nandlala
122. You and Me (Telugu)...............................................from the film "Khaidi No 150"
updated 6/12/2017
· Acoustic Guitar · In studio
· Acoustic Guitar · In studio
· Guitar · In studio
Ellie E.
Ellie E.
About Taylor P.Close
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Students can expect presentable, relaxed lesson in which I will teach the basic scales that are most popular for musicians to learn. I will show how all the scales interact with one another, and how they are used to form chords and melodies. Through this, the student will learn how to create their own songs, play along with others, and have an easier time learning songs they enjoy.
About Taylor
Taylor P.
Taylor P.
About David G.Close
I aim to develop a curriculum based on the students interest, while introducing relevant concepts that will expand their knowledge in a personally gratifying way. I'll offer both technical and abstract explanations of music to encourage each student's creative instincts and in turn form a more impactful learning experience. I'm very friendly, and elated to share my passion for music with anyone who's interested. I won't judge or discourage you, guitar is fun, social, and fulfilling:) Lets Jam!
About David
· Guitar · In home
David G.
David G.
About Jonathan L.Close
I have taught guitar at various music schools from beginner to intermediate for about 3 years.
About Jonathan
· Piano · In studio
· ·
· Bass Guitar · In home
His lessons were always very professional. I always felt challenged, but not overwhelmed, by the material being taught. He also made it easy to be interested in the lessons; he would always ask if there's any song or genre that I wanted to learn and that sort of thing.
Overall, definitely a 5/5 top shelf educator and musician.
Jonathan L.
Jonathan L.
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Is there a best age for learning guitar? We asked guitar teacher Linda L., who has taught young children, teens, adults, and seniors for her take... My opinion on the best age at which to start learning guitar has evolved over the years. I started teaching myself to play the guitar at the age of 14. The book that I used to teach myself featured photos of a 7-year-old girl demonstrating how each chord was to be played. The author of the book told the readers that he had this youn …


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We use Tuffnells, XDP Express, Yodel and DX Freight as our courier services. We can now offer FREE Next Day delivery (unless stated otherwise) within England & Wales, some Scottish Highland and remote areas are exempt from Next Day delivery and will be sent via a specialist delivery service which has a lead time of between 3-5 working days, if you order before 1pm Monday to Thursday. We CANNOT guarantee Next Day Delivery on orders dispatched on Friday's (unless Saturday Delivery is purchased during the checkout process) as these will arrive on Monday's due to our terms with our courier. We do not process or deliver any orders on Bank Holidays. Orders paid for over the weekend will be processed and dispatched on Monday's, except on Bank Holidays. We do not work on Saturday or Sunday's. If you have any questions please email us at email@example.com or alternatively call us on 0800 009 6107 Mon-Fri 9am-5pm (UK).
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Birlea beds and Birlea furniture are not available to AB, DD, IV, PA and PH postcode areas at this present moment in time. This is due to the additional costs involved for delivery being far higher than the usual £40 charge, at £75+ VAT. We are not willing to subject our potential customers to such charges, and therefore we regret that we are unable to process orders for the Birlea brand to these postcode areas at this time. Customers ordering Birlea beds and/ or Birlea furniture who reside in DG, EH, FK, G, KA, KY, ML and TD postcode areas will incur a £40 delivery charge, and these deliveries will take approximately 2-3 weeks for delivery. We understand that this may be frustrating to customers and we apologise for the inconvenience this may cause, these charges are down to the couriers themselves and not ourselves.
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PLEASE NOTE: Due to health and hygiene reasons (and the policies in place with the manufacturers of our memory foam mattresses) Bed SOS regrets to inform that we are unable to accept returns of unsuitable memory foam mattresses which have been unsealed from their original packaging, unless deemed to be incorrect due to an error on our behalf, or deemed faulty by the manufacturer. We may, however, offer a refund based on Diminished Value. Please contact us on: 0800 009 6107 to discuss this matter further.
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One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Go Back To The Onion
One day, God was skipping rocks from the sandy beaches of Heaven. Shaking up land masses in His hands and then with a "Whee!" and a "Score!", God would unleash the mountainous orbs into the Pacific Ocean and smile contentedly to Himself as they landed and rolled into place. I don't know if you know this, but this is how the Philippines was created. A smattering, née a sprinkling, of islands scattered by happenstance. Some lush, some pointy, some scant, some round. This archipelago in the Pacific Ring Of Fire is one of Asia's most populous countries and just the other day one of the innocent specks of sprinkle (I think we call it a sprenkle) was invaded by a bunch of ruddy faced ne'er-do-well's. These precocious poppycocks will live together and fight together for the next 39 days. Some will fall on swords intentionally. Others... not so intentionally. One might trip on a tiny grain of sand with his big toe and simply impale himself on the sword for no other reason than, "Whoopsie!" Only one will emerge victorious though. Only one will deftly maneuver their way successfully through the hiccups and bumps along the road. The others will get lost in the jungle humming TV theme songs to themselves. Eventually, never to be heard from again. Welcome back, bitches. Let's recap, shall we?
With the music swelling behind us, we careen and snake our way through the sprenkles. We float up. We sink down. We tilt sideways and coast gloriously over water, over land, over sea, over trees, over strange new life forms, over...
*chicka chicka vroom* Huh? *vroom vroom vrooooooom* What sort of helicopter or fighter plane goes "vroom"? What kind of futuristic jet pack goes "vroom"?
*a speedboat whizzes across the screen with a beaming Dimples (Jeff Probst) waving from inside* What in the sam hell is that? I wanted an air entry! I wanted smoke and twirls and back handsprings on wings, but nooooo. "Hi folks, look at me drive my little boat. I'll be your Cruise Director. Rum punches on the Lido Deck at dusk! 39 days, 18 people, 1 survivor." *splish splash*
*stares angrily at screen and kicks glitter bowls over with foot* "Let's go meet my other little friends in their little boats. Last one to the marina is a rotten egg!"
Dimples whizzes off into the distance and we reluctantly follow him. I didn't get to snort my three opening lines this time because they were so horribly delivered so I'm a little annoyed right now, but he is wearing a button down shirt the color of infant baby eyeballs which, as we know, is my favorite shade of blue, so I will follow you Dimples. If you walkaway, walkaway, I will walkaway, walkaway... I will follow. I will follow you aboard the ramshackle ferry boat of paper dreams. I will follow you as you make the awaiting suckers squeal at your mere presence. "Welcome to Survivor!" *squee!*
Dimples flashes his pearly whites and gestures grandly to the 3 clumps of neophyte flesh around him, "What do you make of this? There are three tribes, not two." Jeff Kent replies, "It's a fly ball Dimples. It may hit the dugout or it may go in the outfield. I'll keep my eye on the third base coach to see if he waves me in. By the way, I'm a rancher in case anyone was wondering." Dimples then turns his attention to Roxy and asks her if she is aware of exactly how difficult Survivor is, of how much of a toll it can take on a person. Roxy replies, "Absolutely. There was this one guy who almost died in a challenge and he didn't want to leave the game at all." Dimples smiles quite pleased with himself, "Do you mean Russell Swan? Come on out Russell!" And *poof!*, Dimples tears a sheet off of a lump of something while tinkling his jazz hands all around himself. There stands douchey Russell Swan. It was very Siegfried & Roy. Spirit fingers and all. Speaking of fingers, "Do you remember Ole Melty Fingers? Come on out Michael!" *poof!* "And what about the guy with the hat who got the scurvy? Come on out Jonathan!" *poof!*
And there they stand. The Three Stooges: Dreads (Russell Swan), Melty (Michael Skupin), and Scurvy (Jonathan Penner).
Dreads will head the blue tribe called Matsing. For the purposes of this blog, Matsing will now be known as Messing. Kind of like Debra Messing, but not really. Messing consists of Dreads, Malcolm, Denise, Roxy, Angie, and Zane.
Melty will join the yellow tribe called Tandang. We, however, will be calling them Fandango. Fandango consists of Melty, Blair (Lisa), Abi-Maria, RC, Artis, and Pete.
Scurvy will head up the red tribe called Kalabaw, but here at the Bitchy Survivor Blog, we'll call them KrabKlaw. KrabKlaw consists of Scurvy, Dawson, Jeff Kent, Katie, Dana, and Jell-O Pop (Carter).
New readers might find the new names confusing, but trust me... give it a few weeks and you'll be calling these people their fake names for the rest of their lives. More will evolve naturally with the show. Slowly and gingerly they will emerge. The fun part is that every year you guys get to name one yourself. Who will that lucky Survivor be? Stay tuned.
So, Messing, Fandango, and KrabKlaw all embrace their fellow tribemates. "How dee do?", "How are your fingers?", "You take the good, you take the bad..." It's a symphony of questions and groans. The newbies are pretending to be in awe of the vets while the vets are shaking their dreads like peacock feathers. Strut, strut, strut they go.
Dimples suddenly interrupts the merriment and tells our new tribes that they have 60 seconds to ransack their ferry boat and gather up some supplies. Also, Hidden Immunity Idols are back in play. Survivors ready, go!
Abi-Maria lunges for a bunch of wrapped up twigs while Scurvy starts throwing live chickens overboard one by one. Dana grabs a rope three times her size while Melty spends all of his time untying tiny knots on a wicker basket with his prosthetic fingers. Meanwhile, Dreads stands on the bow shouting commands before falling backwards on his ass and into a pile coconuts. Dimples giggles to himself before telling the tribes they better hurry up and unleash their rafts. Malcolm kicks his raft overboard while Katie kicks her raft, a smattering of sharpened bamboo spears, and Jeff Kent into the water all at the same time. A wayward spear stabs Jeff Kent in the knee as he slides lifeless into the water followed by a clucking chicken. The mayhem of the scene is punctuated with juxtaposition. Above water it's chaos in it's purest form, but under the water... it is beauty. It is stillness. It is calm. Just for a second. Tiny green fruity orbs lazily float and fill the sea. Nourishing pearls, if you will, glisten and slip away.
The scene ends with our intrepid tribes rowing off into the distance. One tribe, KrabKlaw, sees that one of their rowers, Jeff Kent, has his leg wrapped around his neck. Melty asks, "Is it broken?" Jeff Kent replies, "I heard something pop like a fly ball, but it didn't sound like a homerun to me. It's fine. The ump is calling 'safe!' I think it was a piece of bamboo that cracked." And there you have it. Jeff Kent will be fine.
Over on Messing, the castaways are finally pulling up to their beach. Dreads pushes everyone aside as he runs ahead and makes himself a little stage out of conch shells and debris. Standing atop his makeshift soapbox, Dreads just wants to assure everyone that there are no leaders here. "No one is in charge. I've done that leader thing before. *yuk yuk yuk* Roxy, shhh! Angie, put that down! Seriously though, let's be a team. Let's all work together. Malcolm, don't you dare start building yet! But, you know, I'm not here to be a leader. I'm just playing the game too. Now, if you'll look at these plans I've drawn up for the shelter, I'll assign you your jobs and we can get started."
The building begins and micro manager Dreads is all up in everyone's grill. He tells Roxy how to chop wood, Angie where to stand, and Zane where to find the methylamine. Malcolm, meanwhile, stands quietly in the background, the observant stallion that he is, and whispers to Angie that they'll just go ahead and let Dreads think he is in charge for now. They'll make him happy today and then they'll figure out what they want to do with him tomorrow. Ooooh Malcolm. Hot. That patience will serve you well in this game. Plus, you're kind of sexy... which serves me well in this game. Badum bum!
Eventually Dreads decides that it is time to make fire. What he doesn't realize in that the resident hotty Malcolm has lived in the jungles of Micronesia teaching orphan blind children how to make fire (or something like that) with nothing but their wits and sense of smell. Dreads replies, "Oh! Ok! Then I'll just go ahead and make the fire then." Malcolm gathers up all the supplies for Dreads and with gentle whispers guides Dreads into making some heat. "You have to be gentle. Go slow. Yeah, yeah... like that. You got it. Come on!" *fans self* With Malcolm's expert coaching, Dreads eventually makes fire and, of course, takes all of the credit. This pleases Malcolm because if Dreads thinks he is in charge then Malcolm can continue to quietly pull the puppet strings unnoticed.
Meanwhile, over on KrabKlaw, the red tribe is just now discovering their new home. Dawson dances a herky jerky tarantella of sorts in celebration while Jeff Kent drags his body, using only his arms, up the shore. He is determined not to let anyone know that he is hurt. Wincing in pain and trying to untie his leg from behind his neck, Jeff Kent weakly claps for Dawson as she continues dancing. While the rest of KrabKlaw carry watermelons and supplies off the boat, Jeff Kent gets smacked with another wave of nausea and lightheadedness. He wanders off into the brush to try to regain his composure when Scurvy surprises him and brings him back to camp. Now, I've heard some not so nice things about Jeff Kent, but I've got to hand it to him, he does well hiding the pain and trudging onward. The poor guy has a knee for an ear now so, sure, I'm sympathetic.
Scurvy, however, is feeling no pain at all. As a matter of fact, he is feeling perfect. Tearful and moved and perfect. He's back on Survivor and the guy couldn't be happier. In fact, he's so happy that he'll go out for a lazy afternoon swim. Ahhh, so relaxing.
With Scurvy occupied, Jeff Kent limps and drags his cronies into the trees."Hurry! Hurry! He's gone. Do we want a veteran to win or do we want one of us to win? No vets, no vets, no vets, no batter batter, sa-wing batter! He can't hit, he can't hit, he can't hit, sa-wiiiing batter!" suggests Jeff Kent. Elfin punk rock pixie Dana likes this idea very much. Jell-O Pop, well, I don't know what Jell-O Pop thinks. He has red jeans on though. That's something. I guess. Now all of the KrabKlaws have to do is follow through and get Scurvy out. Good plan!
Over on yet another beach, amidst giggles and splashes, we finally see Fandango disembarking their raft. Blair is bustling around staying busy hoping no one recognizes her - although that one time she called Pete "Tootie" was odd - while Shakira (Abi-Maria) and RC prance off alone to chat. These two opposites become fast friends and instantly decide to be in an alliance together. Shakira is fun loving and spunky while RC is quick thinking and sneaky. For now, I like this duo, but I don't for one second think it will last. RC is crafty, but so much so to the point that she's doing that thing where she lies about her occupation. In reality, she's an Investment Banker who can hail cabs in the rain in 6 inch heels. I'm not sure why, but she thinks that her tribemates might find this to be very threatening.
And then, of course, there is the problem that RC actually wants to work with Melty. As someone who hates vets clogging up her shows, I do not like this part of RC's plan at all. Shakira, on the other hand, wants to pull Pete into their alliance. And do you know how she'll pull him in? With her Brazilian booty, baby! *glitter falls from the sky* Her plan to ass mesmerize is already working because Pete can't take his eyes off his her plus he thinks she wants him. Plain face plasticine Pete would like to use babe Shakira to his advantage. In fact, he "wants to do some damage" with her. I'm not sure if he's talking about her ass or the game. I guess we'll find out down the road.
Anyhow, Pete is quickly recruited by the girls and now RC just needs to pull in Melty and they'll have their four. RC wastes no time as she takes a walk with Melty and tells him they want him in their alliance. Open-mouthed and wide-eyed, Melty nods and is all like, "Ok. Sounds good!" I think he is more shocked that the youngsters have already started playing the game more than anything else. His only strategy when he arrived was to "go with the game" so, what the hell? He'll go with RC, Shakira, and Plastic Pete.
Back at KrabKlaw it seems like Jeff Kent is feeling much better. He's warning the girls about scorpions and revealing small things about himself, "We got scorpions all the time back at home plate. Uh, that's what I call my ranch in Texas - Home Plate." Elfin fairy sprite Dana hears the word "Texas" and feels a kinship with Jeff Kent immediately. She's a southern gal looking for some southern mischief makers to join her cause. And since she can't find any other fairies, elves, gnomes, or wood nymphs to bond with here on the island, she'll instead work the southern angle and maybe this Jeff Kent character and she can work together.
Sticking with Jeff Kent, he starts to reveal more about his ranch Home Plate and how he likes to watch Survivor back in the Locker Room - that is what he calls his living room. The rest of the tribe thinks it is very weird to watch Survivor in a room called Locker Room on a ranch called Home Plate. Jeff Kent then attempts to hide his baseball secret by telling everyone that he does Motorcross and sells motorbikes or something like that. Dawson isn't buying it though. Not for one second is she buying his big ole bag of b.s.. You see, Dawson says she has a friend who tied her to a chair and forced her to watch baseball, but I'm not sure I'm believing that either. Dawson knows all of Jeff Kent's stats, how long he played, and how much money he has. I think Dawson is her own secret friend which is fine by me. Hey, I'm just glad someone knows who he is because now it can come out and maybe, or maybe not, cause some drama. For the meantime though, Dawson will keep the baseball secret to herself and reveal it when the information might be valuable.
Over at Fandango, Blair, like Jeff Kent, is working hard to keep her identity very close to her chest. Quite frankly, I can't believe only Melty has recognized her. He's way older than me and I know who she is! Facts Of Life is one of those shows that even if you weren't old enough to see it when it first aired, you still know about it. Like The Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch was over and done with before I was born but I still know every episode by heart. How does a girl go through life not knowing who Mrs. Garrett is? Or hearing about Edna's Edibles? Come on!
Blair decides that good old fashioned hard work will not only keep her secret, but get her farther in the game. The problem is that RC doesn't like how Blair keeps separating herself from everyone. She tells Melty that she doesn't trust how Blair doesn't hang out with them. She thinks Blair is incredibly smart and should absolutely not be underestimated. As a fan of Facts Of Life, this worries Melty. He pulls Blair aside and reveals that he knows exactly who she is. Blair's lips go thin and that fiery Warner anger flashes behind her eyes. Melty tells Blair that maybe she should tell the others. Maybe it will help her bond with them. Blair narrows her eyes back at him and hisses, "No!" *bites fist*
Back at Messing, let's get to know Zane a little bit. Resident sex therapist Denise has taken an interest in the young lad and his backstory. Like me, Denise loves herself a spunky redneck who probably eats roadkill for dinner. She sees the fascinating illustrated story covering Zane's body in the form of tattoos and perhaps, if she delves deeper, she can help him find that elusive g-spot so many men think is fictitious. Zane appreciates Denise's enthusiasm (and advice!). In fact, he'd like to have an alliance with her. As an alliance will allow Denise plenty of time to find out if Zane is indeed a Kinsey-3, she says yes.
Encouraged by his new friendship with Denise, Zane decides to form some more partnerships and work these people with his junkyard magic charm. He reels in Roxy and Angie quickly enough, but it is when he approaches the men that things get a little strange. He suggests an all male alliance with Dreads and Malcolm and right away Dreads is excited and onboard. But then, Zane tells them that he already has alliances with all the women so if ever they need to pull someone else in, he's got this. *scratches head* Zane is unfortunately making the classic rookie mistake of playing too hard too fast. Plus, he's a big mouth! In his mind though, he thinks he's a superstar. Silly silly Zane.
Peeking back over at Fandango, Melty isn't comfortable with the level of progress they've made so far. They still don't have fire or water and he feels like he needs to take hold of the leadership. As a matter of fact, he'll take hold of this leadership right now. Right here. By this blade. Ouch! A machete is a lovely symbol for leadership and whatnot, but you probably don't want to grab it by the blade, Melty. Melty releases his death grip from the machete and heads into the trees to... OUCH!... poke his eye out with a branch. So now, with blood running down his arm and his free hand covering a gaping eye socket, Melty makes his way to the beach to rinse off and... OUCH!... trip over a pebble. RC, Pete, and Artis watch the one eyed, one armed, one legged man hobble around the camp and they simply shake their heads back and forth in disgust. That whole hand melting thing back in the Outback makes a lot more sense now. The guy is a hot mess.
And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! Each tribe will divide into pairs. The first pair will be tied together as they race into the jungle up a cargo net where they will release two paddles. The second pair will then race to a boat and paddle out to release an underwater chest of puzzle pieces. Once back onshore, the third pair will take over and piece the puzzle together. The first and second tribes to finish will win Immunity while the losing third tribe will go to Tribal Council. The first tribe to finish also wins a complete fire making kit. The second will get flint. The third, bubkis - even though they'll get fire at Tribal.
Dimples, in a striking greeny-teal-aqua blouse, tells the tribes to go ahead and strategize. I don't know if this is a new thing this season or just a one off, but I like it! We see the Messing Tribe huddle up while Dreads tells everyone to shut their traps. He's not the leader or anything, but he'll decide who does what. Dreads tells them he is a physical person and is horrible at puzzles. Angie nods and agrees, "Me too." Dreads replies, "Ok then Angie, you do the puzzle." Angie squenches her forehead and tries to object, but Dreads simply places one finger over her mouth and tells her to shut her pie hole. Roxy immediately gives Dreads the side eye with a little bit of "Bitch, please!" It doesn't matter. Dreads doesn't want to hear it, but, you know, he's not the leader or anything.
Survivors ready, go! The first pairs (Dreads/Zane, Artis/RC, Dana/Katie) burst forth and head into the jungle. Artis/RC emerge from the trees first with Dreads/Zane not too far behind them. However, there's a tiny problem. Zane is plum tuckered out. Whew doggie! This running... *gasp*... and moving... *gasp*... and breathing... *gasp*... is a little too much for Zaney Boy as Dreads literally drags him with the cord tethering them together.
The paddles are then passed on to the paddlers (Melty/Pete, Malcolm/Denise, Jeff/Carter) with Melty/Pete in a huge lead. Malcolm/Denise aren't too far behind, but Jeff/Carter are major slackers. The giant gust of wind blowing everyone to the right doesn't help. Meanwhile, back onshore, it's nappy time for one Mr. Zane.
The paddlers begin to make their way back and now the entire tribe helps get the enormous chests up onto the beach. Once they've maneuvered the chests, clearly full of the body parts of past fallen Survivors, the puzzlers (Roxy/Angie, Shakira/Blair, Dawson/Scurvy) take over and attempt to build their giant towers. It is a close race between KrabKlaw and Fandango while those Messing gals are having a hell of a time trying to get piece two on top of piece one. In a tight finish with only seconds separating them, KRABKLAW WINS FIRST IMMUNITY!!! Fandango wins second immunity! Messing, you'll be going to Tribal Council.
Dimples turns to those sad clowns on Messing and asks them what the hell just happened. Dreads says he made an executive decision, but he's not the leader or anything. He made a choice and the good news is that there is always a next time. Dimples spits some rum punch in Dreads' face and sticks the tiny paper umbrella in his hair, "There's only a next time for five of you dumb ass!" Dreads stands stoic. Silent. Stupid.
Back at camp, Dreads does that non leader thing where he gives a rousing speech of everything everyone already knows to be true. "Survivor is hard. It is extremely hard. Especially the challenges. I've played before. Now you know." Um, thanks? Dreads isn't done though. He has more pearls of wisdom to bestow on everyone. Like, did you know that.. "I'm gonna stop you right there, Dreads." Oh, what's this? Zane is interrupting. "You gotta pull the fire outta yo stomach. My legs were crampin'. I can't run! I love how powerful this game is, but I deserve to go home now." Come again? Zane! You ignorant slut. Dreads was doing a bang up job sending his own ass home and here you come trundling in with your Frankenstein tat offering to leave the game. *smacks self in head*
Here is where it gets weirder - Zane actually does not want to go home. He thinks this little display of him sacrificing himself on the altar is what will make the entire tribe "king" him and keep him around. Now, I don't pretend to understand redneck logic. Sure, I love a toothless person rocking on their front porch with a rifle and a skinned squirrel in their lap, but I've never pretended to truly understand it. There's a certain bravado and arrogance that comes with being so gloriously unsophisticated that I simply don't have. I wish I did though. I wish I had the ability to have no idea whatsoever of what the world around me thought. Wouldn't that be nice? To be ignorant to the point of complete and utter freedom. To smile a toothless grin and think you're the shit. Just imagine!
Naturally, all of this is heaven sent on a platter to Dreads. He nods his head understandingly and does that shoulder cock eyebrow raise thing when he approaches Roxy and Angie who are both trying to scurry away from him, "Well, welcome to Survivor. It's going to be Zane tonight." Angie has had about enough of Dreads' faux "I'm not a leader" spiel. She tells Zane he can't leave. He has to stay. That meany Dreads doesn't make her laugh like Zane does. Malcolm approaches Zane as well and says he'll go ahead and send Zane home if he wants to go, but the game can still go a number of different ways. In that charmingly nutty "I once dated my cousin" way about him, Zane tells us that Malcolm has just begged him to stay. In fact, no one but Zane has ever played like this EVER! "You ain't never seen a move like this in Survivor history!"
And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples is back in his baby eye blue and I'm dying to know if he'll be the same curmudgeonly Dimples we had last year. That Dimples was such a little smart ass bitch and I kind of dug him.
We begin with Denise. Dimples asks her what she thought of the vets returning and Denise admits that she was disappointed at first because she wanted to play a pure game. Yes! I agree. I am forever bitching about returning players screwing up the naturally organic game play. Pure, organic, tomato, tomahto. Denise is no dummy though. She's wisely adds, for Dreads' benefit, that it is such a help to have someone around who knows the lay of the land and how to survive.
Dimples continues with this line of thought and turns to Zane for further insight. What does Zane think about returning players? On the one hand, they are helpful, but on the other hand, they are better players. What say you, Zane? Zane replies, "Off the top man! It's like a onion. The more layers you peel back, the more you start to cry."
And then we get this look from Dimples and my heart sort of melts. Look at him all quizzical and sassy at the same time. His little bracelet hands one on top of the other. Aww Dimples. Zane continues jabbering on and he starts to talk about his nerves, but Dimples interrupts him, "Wait, wait, wait, go back to the onion." Go. Back. To. The. Onion. I think that deserves a dunk *dunks right breast into chilled pink glitter bowl*
Zane, bless him, tries to explain the onion metaphor, but it's as rickety and flimsy as his cabin on the side of the hill. One little gentle breeze blows through it and it shakes for days.
We move on and, of course, Dreads has to have his say. He admits that today he blew it and that instead of playing 2.0, he went back to 1.0. Dreads says he is once again making the mistake of being a dictator. Malcolm agrees wholeheartedly and says that Dreads definitely came out of the gate way too strong. Roxy nods her head and shouts an, "Hallelujah!" as well. In her case though, she has a military background and she was always taught to obey authority which is why she just went along with Dreads' douchey ideas. Angie nods excitedly and agrees. She ran track in high school and told Dreads that she wasn't good at puzzles yet he wouldn't let her run and made her work on a puzzle.
As for Dreads, he takes it all. He nods. He agrees. He is telling everyone exactly what they want to hear and I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I can't stand this guy. Seriously. I disliked him on his first season and I dislike him even more now. There is a distinct "I'm better than you" vibe coupled with a "Watch me dance, aren't I so charming" vibe that makes me kind of crazy. Plus, I won't lie. The voice. The voice! It's high because he doesn't have the balls to man up and make it low. I guarantee if he stopped pretending all the time, his balls and his voice would drop. Time to vote!
I vote out Dreads. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to vote and neither are you. Unfortunately, we are saying goodbye to Zane as he is the first person voted out of Survivor: Philippines. On the one hand, I sort of get it as Zane is a buffoon and the challenges will only get harder from here. But on the other hand, WHYYYY?!? Why did you get rid of my redneck so soon?! Why did you keep a vet?! Dummies.
So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are there any early favorites standing out for you? Will Blair manage to keep her secret? Would you like Malcolm to whisper in your ear as he teaches you how to make a fire? What body part will Melty lose first? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Super special bitchy thanks to that Aussie bitch Rob Beasley who kindly lets me steal his photos every season. All Survivor photos in this blog are from the Survivor Seasons Facebook Group.
38 comments:
Nice kick off for the season. Keep up the good work!!!ReplyDelete
I want survivor to run 12 month of the year just so I have something to read every week. Melty...Classic!ReplyDelete
Good job Bitch!
This season looks good so far let's hope it stays good!Replies
- AnonymousSeptember 21, 2012 at 5:20 PM
I was concerned at first that if Zane stuck around, I'd eventually be forced into having to read subtitles at some point, as I was constantly saying, "What the hell did he just say?!" (Pause, rewind, rewatch) "Nope. Still nothin'." Perhaps this will open the doors for a Zane spin-off show where he, Jeff and Denise examine a new tattoo and its symbolism each week, delving into choking children and giving flowers and tantric love making. It'd be riveting TV. Also, I couldn't help but shout, "It's Pretty Pony!" when Malcolm let down his Samson like hair, except this Pony seems smarter and more strategy-ier. I was always a fan of Skupin and look forward to seeing which part of his anatomy will be the first to go. All in all, looks like a great start!ReplyDeleteReplies
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2012 at 12:11 PM
Love the show idea!! Hey, CBS, over here!! :)Delete
I am glad I am not the only one who noticed the Malcolm/Pretty Pony lookalike-ness.
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2012 at 1:58 PM
Smarty Pony...Delete
- AnonymousSeptember 21, 2012 at 5:22 PM
I was concerned at first that if Zane stuck around, I'd eventually be forced into having to read subtitles at some point, as I was constantly saying, "What the hell did he just say?!" (Pause, rewind, rewatch) "Nope. Still nothin'." Perhaps this will open the doors for a Zane spin-off show where he, Jeff and Denise examine a new tattoo and its symbolism each week, delving into choking children and giving flowers and tantric love making. It'd be riveting TV. Also, I couldn't help but shout, "It's Pretty Pony!" when Malcolm let down his Samson like hair, except this Pony seems smarter and more strategy-ier. I was always a fan of Skupin and look forward to seeing which part of his anatomy will be the first to go. All in all, looks like a great start!ReplyDelete
Best characterization ever ...ReplyDelete
Zane! You ignorant slut.
Thanks bitch for the great read as usual!
First, the blog the was ABSOLUTELY worth waiting for.ReplyDelete
Second, it sorta turns me on that you know baseball. You talk baseball like the little dugout bitch I always thought you to be.
Gin, glitter, baseball and a sex therapist. What's not to love about all this.
Oh, and folks, there's a story here... I'd bet a lot of money that Ms LaLa has banged a hardballer or two.Replies
LMAO at "dugout bitch" and "banged a hardballer or two"Delete
Only two?
Zane...You ignorant Slut".....LOL. That was so funny.ReplyDelete
I loved the first episode, lots of interaction with all three tribes and classic Immunity challenge.
I was surprised the most with Angie, I think she had a good episode but her claim that she was no good at puzzles was a understatement. RC is someone I think will try to take over Fandago and I agree about Dreads, I never liked him in Samoa either, too much "man" and "brother" for me.
It's being called the best season opener ever, I tend to agree, just hope it gets better.
According to CBS Press Express, it is another 90 minute show this Wednesday also.
Great return Miss Lala, glad the Cable Guy came good and no blood was used in the making of this blog.Replies
Clearly you can't see my monitor. Covered in blood.Delete
Another 90 minute show?! Ugh... I'm so slow as it is. I guess that means it's good so I shouldn't bitch about it.
Angie wasn't horrible, but I'm still not convinced. Roxy was a pleasant surprise though. I loved her "Bitch, please" looks. Too funny.
Yes especially when Dimples announced on the boat they would be joined by three returnees, the look on her face was priceless.ReplyDelete
I was surprised by Angie as well and am digging Malcolm. What I am not liking is all the color coordinated outfits all the way down to their swimsuits and underwear.ReplyDeleteReplies
I think Malcolm is my new Pretty Pony... only a lot more evil. ;-)Delete
You are too funny."Melty"......loved the blog.I'm so glad that I found you.Really liking Malcolm.ReplyDeleteReplies
I have a feeling a LOT of the ladies are digging Malcolm.I'm tempted to call him the "Firestarter".Delete
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2012 at 12:16 PM
Or maybe Billy Joel, because "He didn't start the fiiiiiiirrrrre!", he let Dreads do it. ;)Delete
He didn't let Dreads do it. He TAUGHT Dreads how to do it. He coaxed him gently through the process.Delete
Even this old redneck was thinking "Zane, you ignorant slut!" OK, we could get network TV with our antenna, and you don't always have the extra cash on Saturday night to hit the honky tonk and kick hippie's asses.ReplyDelete
Great blog darlin'! But I fear Blair's gonna be the first old lady kicked to the curb. Back when Fact's of Life was on, if I would have had a fantasy about her, I was old enough that, in some states I'm sure there's a statutory rape law on the books that would have applied. And someone needs to bubble wrap melty and keep him away from fire!
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2012 at 12:03 AM
Another fantastic blog, Colette!.... By the time the tribes finally merge, Melty will be a bloody, infected, throbbing, pus- filled wreck!ReplyDelete
I won one of the contestant stools from season 24's eBay auction and Jeff/"Dimples" personalized it. They ask you what you want Jeff to write. Since I'm Canadian and I can't get on because of the rules I took a shot and tried the direct approach and went right to Jeff since he's now an Executive Producer of the show; I asked him to watch a video I put on YouTube and tell me what name he would call me if I got on the show. (I don't go for the nicknames or insisting you get called your last name). I got a call from Jeff while he was at Auction Cause and talked to him for about 5 minutes! He was hilarious, sharp and did he put me through the ringer! I told him they need to stop bringing on the "Mactors" and he agreed! At the end he told me this season is going to be great! And season 26 will be even better!
Keep doing your thing because you're fantastic!!
I'm so jealous you talked to Dimples on the phone! Did you call him "Dimples"? Just lie to me and say yes.Delete
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2012 at 12:24 PM
Yes, I did!Delete
He kept telling me during the whole conversation I had no chance of winning if I was ever put on. I argued til I was blue in the face. Jeff said I'd probably be first out. Then he changed it to first jury member, then probably 5th or 6th place. The man is quick and hilarious. I could hear people in the background laughing at his comments.
I emailed Eric Gazin, Auction Cause's head honcho to thank him for the opportunity to talk to Jeff. He replied and wanted to make sure I knew Jeff was just teasing and joking around with me!
He said Jeff is one of the nicest, funniest people they deal!
If you want to, check out my YouTube video: Jeff Probst- Pick a Canadian for Survivor! You have connections- help me get on. I'll tell people to check out this amazing blog site in the voting booth!
Well, my favourite part was "Dreads stands stoic. Silent. Stupid." but what do I know? I'm ignorant you see. So very ignorant.ReplyDelete
Ignorant. Ignorant. Ignorant.
And yes, it is complete and utter freedom. Oh, and I think I'm the shit.
Indeed your "redneck bravado analysis" was perfecto!
Such wisdom you possess Lala. It must be hard for you. I'm sorry, but we can't ALL be ignorant. Who would start the fire?
I didn't start the fire.
What fire?
Fuck you.
Now where's that damn squirrel?
I think it's safe to say that zany Zane over-designed his Survivor strategy. He needed to step back and edit his work. Instead he started something overly ambitious, and then kept adding embellishments. He most certainly did NOT make it work.ReplyDelete
- KittybooSeptember 22, 2012 at 10:36 AM
Great blog! So happy that it's Survivor time!ReplyDelete
I love the names you give the survivors and tribes, but one I have stuck in my head had a different name....Melty becomes Fingers lol
I can't believe Zane...well... yes I can. There is always One who plays too hard and too fast out of the gate. Also with ya on Russe and his voice. You'd think that a second chance to play would give a person insight on what they could have taken from past mistakes specially when they admit them and announce they will nit make them again, but no. right back into dictatorship mode fire him, & more than once. Yeesh.
I'm with whats her name at council wanting a pure game (no one returning) Why CBS continues to do this ...well. *sigh*
Thanks for the blog!!
Love it! :)
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2012 at 11:46 AM
Last one blogged about, first one voted out! Bahahaha!ReplyDelete
Fabulous work, ms lala!ReplyDelete
Loved Denise "Sex Therapist Extraordinaire".....Great blog Bitch!ReplyDelete
- AnonymousSeptember 22, 2012 at 1:25 PM
Ahh, ms Lala, so good to have you back up in full force, kicking ass and assigning names. I like listening to your 45s on twitter, but the album version is so much better! After watching episode one, I entertain flickering hopes that maybe we are coming to a generation of contestants that have seen enough reality t.v. to see the consequences of production loading casts with 'easily promotable' veterans and will band together to send them packing. I like Melty, but Dreads and Pennmanshits? Good God! Off with their heads.ReplyDelete
- DiabolicalSeptember 23, 2012 at 3:20 AM
As usual, great blog Lala! I loved this episode, I actually thought while watching it that there was absolute gold in there for you to blog about...and you didn't disappoint.ReplyDelete
I'm with you on the returning players. They add nothing to the game. While in the past I enjoyed watching the like of Rob and Lucifer work their magic, these three are just...meh. I would have much preferred three new people to add their own personal peccadilloes to the game.
Looking forward to the upcoming episodes!
- AnonymousSeptember 23, 2012 at 4:00 AM
So sad the "Illustrated Man" is gone. After theReplyDelete
Frankenstein tattoo story, he left me wanting more.
Maybe you could ask him to contribute a new story every
week. If anyone can do it, you can....just use some
moonshine and tadpoles in lieu of the usual gin and
Keep on truckin' Bitch. :)
- AnonymousSeptember 27, 2012 at 10:21 AM
I'm officially worried about this season, and it's only episode 2. Zane and Roxy had the potential to be outstanding crazies (read: GREAT reality TV), and they're kicked off first and second. Meanwhile, pretty-but-interchangeable model types and also-rans are still around, and Lisa/Blair is about as interesting to watch as a field mouse. My one hope is that Melty will accidentally chop off an extremity and graft it back using sea anemone spines and palm fronds, but it looks as though this season is rapidly devolving into yawn-inducing routine. Color me worried...ReplyDelete
"Now, I don't pretend to understand redneck logic. Sure, I love a toothless person rocking on their front porch with a rifle and a skinned squirrel in their lap, but I've never pretended to truly understand it. There's a certain bravado and arrogance that comes with being so gloriously unsophisticated that I simply don't have. I wish I did though. I wish I had the ability to have no idea whatsoever of what the world around me thought. Wouldn't that be nice? To be ignorant to the point of complete and utter freedom. To smile a toothless grin and think you're the shit. Just imagine!"ReplyDelete
Funniest piece of literature I have ever read.
- meggheggSeptember 29, 2012 at 6:21 AM
I think the next season should bring all the people who were first to be voted out back for a reunion, and let them play it out to see who will be the one Survivor. Hmmm... Who can I think of off the top of my head to be in that one? Zane! Yes, Zane! And then there's that sweet sheep herder girl. Remember her? Wow, there must be more than that, but that's all I can think of! Anyway, bring them all back to give them a second chance against players of equal ability. Maybe it's not equal ability all in the same areas, but there must be something in common that got them to be the first ones voted off. The only problem is that there would be a first person voted out of that season, too. Better have an intervention team standing by, cuz that would be really depressing!ReplyDelete
- meggheggSeptember 30, 2012 at 1:11 AM
And another first cut - Wendy the goat herder (AKA: Motormouth/Nurse) from Survivor Nicaraqua: "My husband told me I'll be the first one to go! The first one to go! Can you believe it? He says I'll be the first one to go because I talk to much! Well, I DO talk a lot and everyone says I talk a lot! Do you think I talk too much? I think I talk a lot but I don't talk too much! Do you talk too much? Do you think I talk to much? Yack! Yack! Yack! Yack!...!"ReplyDelete


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F25 Development Forum Pretty much exactly what it sounds like it is. This is the place to discuss and assist in the community development of F25. WARNING: Any pre-release versions, Beta included, are for experienced testers only. Back up all existing data and read all threads in the version Development Forum before attempting an install. Errors can and will likely occur which may include data destruction or inability to boot other partitions on any and possibly all attached hard drives. While FedoraProject needs and appreciates testers, you must remember to report issues directly to Bugzilla, after checking for pre-existing bugs.
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We have been sitting on this story for some time but enough is enough, something has to be said. We can not sit idly by while Evosport continues to take money from our users and not deliver parts. BenzBoost user JRCART is the latest person who Evosport has taken thousands from, in his case under the guise of delivering a Weistec supercharger for his CLK63 black series. We wish we could say he is the only person who has spent considerable money with Evosport only to not get what he paid for, but he isn't.
Many of you know JRCART as Jim. A nice guy who has a CLK63 Black Series who has done considerable business with Evosport. Well, months ago, he paid Evosport over $30,000 for his Weistec supercharger only for the car to sit with nothing done to it. As a matter of fact, JRCART told us Evosport used this time period to charge something around $20,000 to JRCART's insurance company for front end damage. Not only were we told they took tens of thousands and did not deliver the product they promised, they decided to make money off JRCART's insurance company for bodywork repair whose cost was inflated. UPDATE Jim finally got so fed up with the empty promises after months he had his car taken out of Evosport this past week and taken to Wesitec.
We called up Weistec to confirm this and they did confirm the car was now at their facility. We spoke to Steve at Weistec who was a complete professional. He was as politically correct as one can be and would not engage in any mudslinging and that is to be respected.
Now JRCART and his Weistec supercharger fiasco with Evosport is just one piece of this puzzle. We mentioned hundreds of thousands of dollars. Well, it turns out that a guy by the name of Jim Brady invested $300,000-$400,000 in Evosport. We believe these funds were used for Evosport's new facility and he is waiting on his return. Well, he is going to be waiting a heck of a long time and better get in line. On MBworld he posts as if nothing is wrong and who can blame him? He wants his money back and likely did not realize what he was getting himself into. This is a huge sum of money and we hope he gets it back.
In addition to the now hundreds of thousands Evosport owes, they owe Powerchip a large outstanding balance. This was confirmed in a discussion with Powerchip representatives who did confirm the outstanding balance but would not say how much. We have heard rumors ranging up to $100,000 but now you can all see why Powerchip has the pull with Evosport that they do.
Is this it? We wish, but it isn't. Evosport has an outstanding balance with Rotora. Wondering why you haven't received your Evosport rotors? Well, BimmerBoost user tgoss has been waiting months now for his rotors. He is going to be waiting indefinitely as we have been informed that Rotora supposedly suspended Evosport's account for an oustanding amount in the thousands. See a pattern here?
This has to be it, right? Well, it isn't. Since Evosport started MBworld and it was purchased by Internet Brands they have been able to keep this all silenced on the site they control, MBworld, as well as other internet brands sites such as 6speedonline. Don't believe us? Look at this poor guy who has been waiting since October of 2010 for his parts: Evosport Parts The discussion was locked to help preserve Evosport's image. We contacted the poster and he got us in touch with his friend and still until today in April 2011, he has not received all his parts.
Ok, that is all? Right? Can't be any more? Well, I referred my friend to Evosport who managed to talk him into a V10 twin turbo swap for his E92 M3. I tried to tell him that was a project that would have no end, but he did not listen. Evosport took the S65 V8 out of his M3 only to place it into Brads (one of Evosport's owners) father's race car. This car has been sitting in the shop collecting dust for years now with no end in sight but 10's of thousands taken.
We actually could go on as there are users who have not received headers, pulleys, rotors, etc. There are some prominent individuals we have been told about who did not get their Evosport parts so the list goes on. Everyone in the Mercedes community must be made aware of this as on MBworld all of these details are deleted or removed to protect Evosport who does control MBworld.
So is this all incredibly shady? Yes. But why? Why would they do this? Well, Evosport has moved into a very large new facility and it would seem they are funding it with their customers money. Now you must be saying, how can they survive this? Well, we don't know if they will. JRCART stated that when he picked up all his parts from Evosport Brad looked like he was about to cry. He must know the jig is up. If Jim Brady gets tired of sitting around he will have to go the legal route to get his money back. JRCART (Jim) is already getting his insurance company involved. If Powerchip and others all try to get their money at the same time Evosport is going to be in some major trouble. Our advice? Until all debts are repaid, stay away. That is unless you like waiting forever for parts from a company on very shaky ground.


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One of the reasons Manti Te'o's parents plan to speak on camera with Katie Couric this week is because they, not just their son, were taken in by his fictional girlfriend, according to a person with knowledge of the planned interview.
The person spoke to USA TODAY Sports on Sunday on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter. The person said Ottilia Te'o, Manti Te'o's mother, had spoken with Lennay Kekua about converting to Mormonism and that the family had engaged in Bible study with her via text message.
MORE: Complete coverage of Manti Te'o
Couric's interview with Te'o, which will be taped at an undisclosed time and location this week to air Thursday, will be the first on-camera interview with Te'o, the Notre Dame All-America linebacker and Heisman trophy runner-up who has claimed to be the victim of an elaborate "catfishing" hoax. It will air on Katie, Couric's syndicated talk show that premiered in September.
The person said the advice Te'o has received for the Couric interview is simply to tell the truth. Among the motivations for the interview, the person said, is that the family wants to show how the scandal has hurt them, how it wasn't just their son who was fooled, and to talk publicly about the scam so that it doesn't happen to other people.
In preparation for the NFL draft Te'o, who has been working out at the IMG Academies in Bradenton, Fla., hired agent Tom Condon of CAA. But when news of the hoax broke, the Te'o family also hired Hiltzik Strategies, a New York communications firm that has worked for Couric and also has represented actor Alec Baldwin, Major League Baseball outfielder Ryan Braun, political commentator Glenn Beck and Napster founder and Facebook investor Sean Parker in various crises in recent years.
During Notre Dame's football season, which saw it return to a level of national prominence it had not reached in decades, the leading protagonist was Te'o. One of the most leading storylines around him and the team was that Te'o's grandmother and girlfriend died within hours of each other in September. On Wednesday, Deadspin published a story that Kekua did not exist.
Te'o's first interview in the wake of the scandal occurred on Friday night, when he sat down for an off-camera interview with ESPN's Jeremy Schaap. Details from that conversation were released on SportsCenter and ESPN.com. ESPN issued a transcript of the interview Saturday.
While admitting to tailoring certain aspects of his story, including telling his father that he had met Kekua, Te'o claimed during his ESPN interview to have never had any part in the hoax. He told Schaap that he was not convinced that Kekua did not exist until Wednesday, when Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the individual allegedly behind the hoax, contacted Te'o to confess and apologize.
Many of the questions surrounding the Te'o saga have dealt with who knew what when. According to the South Bend Tribune, there were discussions among Notre Dame officials about when they should publicly acknowledge the hoax. In a story published Sunday, Notre Dame spokesperson Dennis Brown said university officials decided against talking about the situation before Jan. 7 BCS championship in Miami Gardens, Fla., because of how it could affect the Notre Dame football team and to let Te'o and his family speak about it first.
Excerpts of the Couric interview are expected to air on several ABC News programs, including Good Morning America and Nightline.
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