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Nation & World
U.S. hasn't apologized to or compensated ex-detainees
To date, the U.S. government hasn't given any former detainee financial compensation or apologized for wrongfully imprisoning him, shipping him around the world and holding him without legal recourse.
The 38 former Guantanamo detainees who've been found to be no longer enemy combatants by tribunal hearings — the closest the military has come to admitting that it detained some innocent men — were flown out of Cuba with nothing but the clothes on their backs and assorted items such as copies of the Quran and shampoo bottles that the U.S. military issued to them.
"It's particularly deplorable that none of the 38 NLECs have been compensated, since the U.S. has officially recognized that they weren't 'enemy combatants,' even under the broad U.S. definition," said Joanne Mariner, the terrorism and counterterrorism program director at Human Rights Watch.
Ian Seiderman, a senior legal adviser for Amnesty International, agreed.
"The fact that (compensation) hasn't happened at all, even in a small number of cases, shows that this administration is more concerned with avoiding scrutiny and accountability than it is the rule of law," said Seiderman, who previously served as a legal adviser to the Geneva-based International Commission of Jurists and the assistant to the special rapporteur on torture for the United Nations.
Seiderman cited two United Nations' measures — including the 1966 International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, for which the United States is a signatory — that he said call for compensation in cases such as those of many former Guantanamo detainees.
The former general counsel of the defense department, William J. Haynes II, and the general counsel of the State Department, John Bellinger III, declined interview requests, as did several other senior American defense and administration officials.
Human rights advocates said they didn't expect action from the U.S. government anytime soon. The Bush administration has cut off most domestic legal channels, often claiming that cases can't proceed either because the evidence involved includes state secrets or because those who might be charged are immune from prosecution.
The administration also has refused to take part in foreign court proceedings in which international laws against cruel or unusual treatment of detainees could be enforced.
When Congress passed the Military Commissions Act of 2006, it included a section forbidding U.S. courts from hearing almost any detainee cases against the government or its representatives. The act blocks legal actions related to "any aspect of the detention, transfer, treatment, trial or conditions of confinement of an alien who is or was detained by the United States and has been determined by the United States to have been properly detained as an enemy combatant or is awaiting such determination."
In January, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit dismissed a case filed by four former Guantanamo detainees who alleged that their mistreatment amounted to physical torture and religious harassment. It included allegations that a guard threw a Quran into a bucket used as a toilet.
The court agreed with the government's argument that even if the ex-detainees, all British citizens, had been tortured, those who tortured them would be protected under the Federal Employees Liability Reform and Tort Compensation Act of 1988, which provides immunity in some cases to federal workers for actions done within the scope of their employment.
"Even if the detainees were to establish that the defendants authorized, implemented, supervised and condoned torture . . . the defendants' conduct would nonetheless fall within the scope of their employment because the defendants were employed to detain and interrogate suspected enemy combatants," the court wrote in its decision.
The detainees also raised the issue of their religious rights being violated under a U.S. law known as the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which says that "Government shall not substantially burden a person's exercise of religion" unless such an action furthers an important government interest and is the least restrictive way of doing so.
The appeals court decided that because the former detainees were foreigners who were detained outside sovereign U.S. territory at the time, "they did not fall with(in) the definition of 'person.' "
In a separate opinion, Judge Janice Rogers Brown agreed with the court's decision but took exception to how it got there. She wrote: "It leaves us with the unfortunate and quite dubious distinction of being the only court to declare those held at Guantanamo are not 'person(s).' "


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iPhone Apps that Help Manage Diet, Exercise, and Disease
If you own an iPhone, you know the downloadable applications (apps) can help you find your way around town, pick a restaurant, decide which movie to see, and more. But did you also know there are hundreds of mobile apps that will tabulate the calories you consume, teach you a new yoga posture, or help you keep track of your diabetes?
If you're health and fitness conscious, here are some iPhone apps you might want to consider downloading:
Calorie Counter & Diet Tracker app: Enter your weight loss goals. Then Tally your daily calorie intake by accessing this app's 450,000 food database. You can analyze your diet by the amount of fat, protein, sugar, fiber, and so on you consume.
You can calculate calories burned by entering your exercise regimen. This iPhone app will tell you if your day's diet and activity level is keeping you on track to achieve your fitness goals. You can run reports that chart your progress. You can even setup the app so it posts your progress to Twitter and Facebook. Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars; cost: free.
iTreadmill: Pedometer Ultra with PocketStep: This pedometer can tell you if you're really going the distance because it bases its calculations on the length of your actual stride. It counts your steps, distance, and calories burned while you listen to music that you've gathered into your own iTreadmill playlist.
Don't worry if you get a call on your iPhone while you're working out. The app will continue to count your steps while you're chatting away. Rating: 3 out of 5 stars; cost: .99.
Yoga STRETCH: If you'd prefer an exercise app that doesn't have you pounding the pavement, try Yoga STRETCH. You can follow a preloaded, hour-long session or create up to five custom sessions by choosing from among a menu of different yoga positions. Each position is illustrated and explained both in writing and by an instructor's voice. You can workout while listening to one of six preloaded background songs or you can stretch to your own iPhone music. Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars; cost: .99.
You don't always have to be online to access an app's features, such as a food database. Check your particular app's instruction guide for the ins and outs of using it offline.
BCMon — Blood Cholesterol Monitor: If your doctor has instructed you to keep an eye on your cholesterol, this app will provide you with detailed reports based on the levels of total cholesterol, LDL, HDL, and triglycerides you input into the app. You can add cholesterol readings several times a day, and tag those readings according to the time of day (for instance, before lunch and after dinner). The app will provide you with a report of your daily, weekly, and monthly cholesterol averages. You can export these charts and share them with your doctor. Rating: 4 out of 5 stars; cost: 1.99.
iBP Blood Pressure: Tracking blood pressure can be a family affair with this app. Multiple users can enter their blood pressure readings and send the data to multiple e-mail addresses (your family doctor and your heart specialist for instance). The app uses color coding to indicate whether a particular reading is normal, high, or hypertensive. The app will take those individual readings and provide you with charts that display your blood pressure averages over the course of weeks and months. Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars; cost: .99.
Diabetes Buddy – Diet Tracker: With this app you can input information that's vital to successful blood sugar management. Enter your weight, the foods you eat, glasses of water you drink, physical activity you perform, and glucose readings and insulin injections you take each day. The Diabetes Buddy will help you budget your carb intake, show fluctuation trends in your glucose readings, and more. Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars; cost: 2.99.

subset: commoncrawl


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Rule #1 - Be Patient - Rule #2 - Don't ask when, if you don't contribute - Rule #3 - You have coding skills - LinuxMCE's small brother is available: http://www.agocontrol.com
I have mainboard ASRock A75M-HVS . Empty new disk 1,5 TB. Installation ends after cca 3 minutes in black screen :-( Steps done:1. The only I can do is choosing language (left English). (Enter)2. I choose Install MCE (Enter)3. Graphic screen with shifting runner tells "Installing UBUNTU"4. After cca 3 minutes black text screen and : "Busybox 10......." tipe help for available commnads.."5. Donť know what to do with command line "Busybox". I expected smooth graphic installation as I am, used from SuSE Linux 11.x or other distros.What to do now to install Linux MCE (With other disk, Windows 7 MCE works). But I donť want run Windows as MCE . Could you help please?
I just got a new computer with a 7300 Nvidea card and lmce 810 would not load. I installed Kubuntu 10.4 and the lmce script and everything is working except the audio. I know 10.4 is not supported but it looks like it might work. I have been using Ubuntu for about three year. Could I install Ubuntu and the lmce script? I hear that Kubuntu may be going away and I don't want to spend alot of time learning a new OS if it is going to be leaving. Any suggestions?
You should be able to install Ubuntu & then install the Kubuntu desktop with synaptic to "convert" your Ubuntu to Kubuntu. But may have to be sure you chose the Kubuntu desktop meta-package, instead of just installing the KDE parts. That uninstalls the Gnome desktop meta-package, installing KDM in place of GDM, etc. But it leaves the Gnome packages otherwise intact, except where they conflict with KDE. You might even get the Kubuntu splash screen on boot instead of the Ubuntu one,... not 100% sure about that.
LinuxMce is very particular on what o/s /desktop, you may be able to patch together install that way ... but I think you're asking for trouble.Why not just use the lmce DVDjust my 2centsTim
LinuxMCE is meant to be an appliance. ...


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On Wall Street, where shareholder "value" is vigorously pursued through ever leaner and meaner organizations, business as usual changed abruptly on September 11, 2001. Within hours after the tragedy, obsession with self gave way to serving others. At the very epicenter of self-interest, people became engaged in collective effort.
There is a message for management in this. The point is not that concern for others is suddenly going to replace self-interest, but that there has to be a balance between the two. The events of September 11 and the following days helped to make evident how out of balance our society has become. The role of management — responsible management — is to work toward restoration of that balance.
The House That Self-Interest Built
In the past 15 years, we in North America have experienced a glorification of self-interest perhaps unequalled since the 1930s. It is as if, in denying much of the social progress made since then, we have reverted to an earlier and darker age. Greed has been raised to some sort of high calling; corporations have been urged to ignore broader social responsibilities in favor of narrow shareholder value; chief executives have been regarded as if they alone create economic performance. Meanwhile, concern for the disadvantaged — simple, old-fashioned generosity —has somehow been lost.
A society devoid of selfishness is certainly difficult to imagine. But a society that glorifies selfishness can be imagined only as base. The intention here is to challenge such a society — not to deny human nature, but to confront a distorted view of it. In so doing, we wish to promote another characteristic no less human: engagement.
A syndrome of selfishness has taken hold of our corporations and our societies, as well as our minds. (See "A Syndrome of Selfishness.") It is built on a series of half-truths, each of which drives a wedge into society: from a narrow view of ourselves as "economic man," to a distorted view of our values — reduced to shareholder value, to a particular view of leadership as heroic and dramatic, to a nasty view of organizations as lean and increasingly mean, to an illusionary view of society as a rising tide of prosperity. All of this looks rather neat, as does a house of cards. Before it collapses outright, we would do well to balance it with a rather different set of beliefs.


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text:
Ludlowe's Meyer aims to take talents to next level -- as cheerleader
FAIRFIELD -- One of the FCIAC's most talented and coveted athletes this winter will not be found with a ball, puck, stick or any other piece of equipment.
In fact, there is still an ongoing debate about whether Alley Meyer is excelling in a sport or an activity.
What is beyond dispute is Meyer's skill level.
Meyer is a member of Fairfield Ludlowe's cheerleading team, which this winter will attempt to win its third league title in four years. Meyer will be one of the top cheerleaders to come out of the FCIAC, and hopes next year to be a member of an elite college program.
"Obviously she is extremely talented," said Ashley Carolan, the Falcons' coach. "When she first tried out for Ludlowe, you could tell she was definitely one of the top tumblers and top stunters. I was extremely excited."
The FCIAC recognizes cheerleading as a sport. In fact, its championships each winter are among the most well attended of any league-sanctioned event during the school year.
However, last summer the U.S. Second Circuit Court of Appeals denied a motion by Quinnipiac University to designate cheerleading as a varsity sport. Quinnipiac had been attempting to terminate its volleyball program while still adhering to Title IX rules that require women to have the same opportunities as men to play on a team.
At the time of the ruling, Meyer said, "People who think that we don't do anything but dance around and don't think what we do is a sport are uneducated. We know how hard we work and what we do."
If Meyer was a basketball or football player, she would be getting offers from the country's top Division I schools. Because of the NCAA's stance on cheerleading, Meyer is in the reverse position of having to get her name out there and recruit schools.
Meyer must first see which colleges she gets accepted to, then wait until April, when many of their cheerleading teams hold tryouts. She is looking at schools like Louisville, South Carolina, North Carolina State and Georgia, where she can compete at the highest level and also study nursing.
"I've always wanted to cheer in college and take my experiences to an intense level," Meyer said. "The competitive aspect of it is what motivates me. Especially the tumbling aspect. I work hard on the outside doing things that not everyone else does to improve myself."
While sports specialization has reached new levels in recent years, with the high school season now just a small portion of the annual schedule, Meyer has taken her dedication to the extreme.
Meyer said she first started with gymnastics before she turned 2, and was introduced to cheerleading at the Pop Warner level while in middle school.
"It was so much more exciting than gymnastics," Meyer recalled. "I really loved the performance part of it, and working with a team."
Meyer said her enthusiasm was further fueled when she joined the Connecticut Spirit All-Star team.
"That really opened my eyes to the world of competitive cheerleading," she said.
Meyer said there is still a misperception about the sport, and that most people associate cheerleading only with what they see at high school football games.
"That is more the relaxing time, when you have some fun," Meyer said. "But in practices we are working hard for our competitions. We start setting our goals, working on doing well in the FCIACs and states."
Meyer said her only time away from the sport takes place after regional competition -- Ludlowe finished third in New England last season -- at the end of March until tryouts at the end of April.
Meyer said she does a lot of her conditioning work during the summer, when the team also goes to camps.
The choreography for the Falcons' routines takes place in October, leading up to the competitive season, which will begin next week.
Carolan said unlike in basketball, where one standout player can make a dramatic impact, there is more nuance in putting a cheerleading team together.
"We work in groups of fours so a lot of what I need to do is find who has the better chemistry in putting them together," Carolan said. "You look at who has the best all-around skills, including tumbling, jumping, stunting, cheering and leadership. And it is not just the skills but also having the right attitude. I'm lucky to have so many dedicated girls on the team. It's not just one person. That's why we have been successful. This team is closer than any team I've ever coached."
Meyer's work ethic is a big reason she will get to try out for some of the top college teams. She said she gets up early during the week and goes to the gym from 5-6 a.m. before school. She also works at the Gymnastics and Cheerleading Academy of Connecticut in Fairfield.
"I have excellent time management skills," Meyer said with a smile. "As a high school student, cheerleading is a part of me. I go to classes and train."
Added Carolan, "She's as skilled as she is so passionate about the sport. She doesn't settle for anything less than the best."
Meyer credited Carolan for her own personal development, as well as the team's.
"She's amazing," Meyer said. "She can take any person who has the ability and loves cheering and make her into something. It takes an amazing person to get you to perform well together."
Meyer said right now her goal is to be part of a Ludlowe team that will win league, state and regional titles. Then she will set out to realize her dream of continuing at the next level.
"I look at how amazing others are and how good they are and I am doing all I can to try and get there," Meyer said.
email@example.com; Twitter: @DaveRuden


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davidebs necesitaba un nuevo diseño de logotipo y lanzó un concurso de diseño en 99designs.
Un ganador ha sido elegido entre 52 diseños de 23 diseñadores freelance.
Castello Malvezzi
We are an important restaurant in Italy, we are divided into: restaurant, wedding, catering, bar and a lot of service in the same structure.The restaurant is in an old castle of 16 th century and all around there's a park of 30.000 mq. Our restaurant is 30 years old and the logo is the same from all the time. to receive some information and image you can have a look to http://www.castellomalvezzi.it
We are a very important restaurant and we want to be very classic but also have broad appeal and open the communication also to young and old people. The restaurant is quite expensive but will be the kind of place that people feel at home in.It's a place that you can receive nice feeling and remember the important moments of your life(wedding,birth and so on).
We need to have a strong brand that could be divided for different situation( catering, wedding, and so on) and in different format(website,press,tv, van).It has to be a emotional brand ,something that gives a remaing feeling ,very recognizable.You can be creative considering the classical way of the structure.
our logo:
or see in our website
Please feel free to experiment with colors!
The files we will require are:
Print file format - .ai (CMYK)
Web file format - .jpg and layered .psd (RGB)
Please do not use any stock images or clip art in the logo
Descubre cómo funciona un concurso de diseño u obtén más información sobre nuestros servicios de diseño de logo.


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Manufacturer Offer
Welcome to Canada Bonus (WCD) GM CA National
$1,000 cash back
Applies to select new 2018 Chevrolet Camaro.
Offer only valid 01/12/2018 through 02/1/2020
View Inventory
ELIGIBLE INDIVIDUALS: - All Individuals who hold a valid Permanent Residence Card or Temporary Workers with a valid work permit: I. Permanent Resident Card - Permanent Residents are defined by Citizenship and Immigration Canada (CIC) - The Permanent Resident Card, often referred to as a PR Card, is issued by CIC and is the official proof that the individual is a permanent resident of Canada. This is a wallet sized plastic card that shows they can enter and stay in Canada until the cards expiry date. Most cards are valid for five years. - The arrival date on the back of the Permanent Resident Cards must state calendar years 2016, 2017, 2018 or 2019 to be eligible for this incentive. II. Temporary Foreign Workers - Temporary Foreign Workers are those who enter Canada to work and have obtained a temporary work permit from CIC - In order to qualify for this incentive the temporary work permit must be valid at time of purchase - Lending institutions may have their own requirements eg. term of contract less than term of temporary work permit OTHER REQUIREMENTS: - Individuals must have a valid Canadian drivers license to be eligible. - Vehicles must be registered in the name of the eligible individual and can be co-titled with their spouse, or financing/leasing co-signer (financial documentation must be provided to prove co-signing eligibility). - A person is considered and eligible under the provisions of this program only once in his or her lifetime. Not all buyers will qualify for this incentive program, and some restrictions may apply. Available for a limited time only. Where the incentive is a manufacturer rebate, taxes may be payable on the full amount of the vehicle purchase price. See your dealer for details, terms and conditions, and to determine your eligibility for this incentive program. (
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Team outlooks are listed in predicted order of finish. Lineups and rotations are projections.
1 l Washington
2013 l 86-76, second place
Last year in playoffs l 2012
They are supposed to blossom after years of suffering, top draft picks — Bryce Harper and Stephen Strasburg (first overall), Ryan Zimmerman (fourth) and Anthony Rendon (sixth) — and a few summers of seasoning. When Doug Fister, 29, returns, he'll be the old man in what should be the majors' most dynamic rotation.
CF D. Span
SS I. Desmond
RF J. Werth
3B R. Zimmerman
LF B. Harper
1B A. LaRoche
2B A. Rendon
C W. Ramos
RH S. Strasburg
LH G. Gonzalez
RH J. Zimmermann
RH D. Fister*
RH T. Roark
RH R. Soriano
2 l Florida
2013 l 62-100, fifth place
Last year in playoffs l 2003
The Marlins fleece taxpayers more often than they get to the playoffs, so this pick is a risk. They scored an NL-low 513 runs last year, the only NL team not to top 600, but in an era when veteran pitchers break down with disturbing frequency, the Marlins boast the best young pitcher — Jose Fernandez, 21 — and the best young rotation in baseball.
2B R. Furcal
LF C. Yelich
RF G. Stanton
1B G. Jones
C J. Saltalamacchia
CF M. Ozuna
3B C. McGehee
SS A. Hecheavarria
RH J. Fernandez
RH N. Eovaldi
RH H. Alvarez
RH J. Turner
RH T. Koehler
RH S. Cishek
3 l Atlanta
Last year l 96-66, first place
Last year in playoffs l 2013
The Braves might have a better rotation on the DL than they do on the active roster. Kris Medlen and Brandon Beachy are out for the season. Gavin Floyd and Mike Minor could return within one month. That's a painful hit for a team expecting little offense at the bottom of its lineup.
RF J. Heyward
LF J. Upton
1B F. Freeman
3B C. Johnson
CF B. Upton
2B D. Uggla
C E. Gattis
SS A. Simmons
RH J. Teheran
RH E. Santana
LH A. Wood
RH A. Harang
RH D. Hale
LH C. Kimbrel
4 l New York Mets
2013 l 74-88, third place
Last year in playoffs l 2006
This team should have great young pitching — next year, with Matt Harvey back from injury and Noah Syndergaard ascending from the minor leagues to joining Zack Wheeler. For now, the Mets are an odd mix that includes franchise player David Wright, past-their-prime players Bartolo Colon and Curtis Granderson, and unwanted regulars such as Ike Davis.
LF E. Young
2B D. Murphy
3B D. Wright
RF C. Granderson
1B I. Davis
CF C. Young
C T. D'Arnaud
SS R. Tejada
RH D. Gee
RH B. Colon
RH Z. Wheeler
LH D. Niese
RH D. Matsuzaka
RH B. Parnell
5 l Philadelphia
2013 l 73-89, fourth place
Last year in playoffs l 2011
GM Ruben Amaro Jr. said "there might have to be a disaster plan." Cole Hamels already is injured, and the team slipped from 102 wins in 2011 to 73 in 2013. It would be no surprise to hear trade rumors linking the Dodgers to Cliff Lee and Chase Utley in July, assuming each is healthy.
CF B. Revere
SS J. Rollins
2B C. Utley
1B R. Howard
RF M. Byrd
LF D. Brown
C C. Ruiz
3B C. Asche
LH C. Lee
RH A. Burnett
RH K. Kendrick
RH R. Hernandez
RH J. Manship
RH J. Papelbon
1 l St. Louis
2013 l 97-65, first place
Last year in playoffs l 2013
The Cardinals led the NL in runs last year with little offense at shortstop or third. Those spots have been upgraded, and ex-Angel Peter Bourjos puts a little speed into a team that ranked last in stolen bases. The Cardinals have the best pitching depth in the majors, much of it in the form of relievers throwing 100 mph.
3B M. Carpenter
2B K. Wong
LF M. Holliday
RF M. Craig
C Y. Molina
1B M. Adams
SS J. Peralta
CF P. Bourjos
RH A. Wainwright
RH M. Wacha
RH L. Lynn
RH S. Miller
RH J. Kelly
RH T. Rosenthal
2 l Milwaukee
2013 l 74-88 fourth place
Last year in playoffs l 2011
The Brewers opened last season with John Axford at closer. He lost his job after four games. The bullpen will be better, and Yovani Gallardo, Kyle Lohse and Matt Garza make for a decent top three in the rotation. Carlos Gomez is the only Brewer who hit 20 homers last season, but Ryan Braun, Aramis Ramirez, Jonathan Lucroy and Mark Reynolds could.
CF C. Gomez
SS J. Segura
RF R. Braun
3B A. Ramirez
C J. Lucroy
LF K. Davis
1B M. Reynolds
2B S. Gennett
RH Y. Gallardo
RH K. Lohse
RH M. Garza
RH M. Estrada
RH Wily Peralta
RH J. Henderson
3 l Pittsburgh
2013 l 94-68, second place
Last year in playoffs l 2013
The Pirates were baseball's best story last summer, but their winter was spotty at best. They got worse at first base, and they so botched the A.J. Burnett negotiations that they ended up with Edinson Volquez in their starting rotation at a guaranteed $5 million. (The Dodgers got Paul Maholm at a guaranteed $1.5 million.)
LF S. Marte
SS J. Mercer
CF A. McCutchen
3B P. Alvarez
2B N. Walker
C R. Martin
1B G. Sanchez
RF J. Tabata
LH F. Liriano
RH G. Cole
LH W. Rodriguez
RH C. Morton
RH E. Volquez
RH J. Grilli
4 l Cincinnati
2013 l 90-72, third place
Last year in playoffs l 2013
Shin-Soo Choo, last year's leadoff batter, had a .423 on-base percentage. Billy Hamilton, his replacement, might lead the world in stolen bases, but he had a .308 OBP at triple A. The on-base-plus-slugging percentage of Brandon Phillips, whom the Reds tried to trade, has dropped from .810 in '11 to .750 in '12 to .706 last year.
CF B. Hamilton
2B B. Phillips
1B J. Votto
RF J. Bruce
LF R. Ludwick
3B T. Frazier
C D. Mesoraco
SS Z. Cosart
RH J. Cueto
RH H. Bailey
RH M. Leake
LH T. Cingrani
RH A. Simon
RH J. Hoover
5 l Chicago Cubs
2013 l 66-96 fifth place
Last year in playoffs l 2008
The Cubs have two of baseball's brightest prospects in infielders Javier Baez and Kris Bryant. That won't help this year, when the Cubs could finish 25 games out of first place for the fourth consecutive season. But it might help in 2015, the year predicted for a Cubs World Series victory in the 1989 movie "Back to the Future II."
SS S. Castro
2B L. Valbuena
1B A. Rizzo
RF N. Schierholtz
3B M. Olt
LF J. Lake
C W. Castillo
CF R. Sweeney
RH J. Samardzija
LH T. Wood
RH E. Jackson
RH J. Hammel
RH C. Valenzuela
RH J. Veras
1 l Dodgers
2013 l 92-70, first place
Last year in playoffs l 2013
There will be no underdog story told by the most expensive team in baseball history. The Arizona Diamondbacks have a payroll of about $112 million. The Dodgers left $111 million in payroll behind when they traveled to Australia — Zack Greinke, Matt Kemp, Carl Crawford, Dan Haren, Chad Billingsley and Josh Beckett — and still beat the Diamondbacks twice.
RF Y. Puig
LF C. Crawford
SS H. Ramirez
1B A. Gonzalez
3B J. Uribe
CF A. Ethier
C A. Ellis
2B D. Gordon
LH C. Kershaw*
RH Z. Greinke
LH H. Ryu
RH D. Haren
RH J. Beckett*
RH K. Jansen
2 l San Diego
2013 l 76-86, third place (tie)
Last year in playoffs l 2006
This would be a good time for Carlos Quentin, 31, to put up his first season with 500 at-bats, and a good time for Chase Headley to show his monster 2012 season is not the outlier it appears to be. Yet Quentin is already on the disabled list. The Padres last made the playoffs in 2006, when their catcher was Mike Piazza.
SS E. Cabrera
CF W. Venable
3B C. Headley
LF C. Quentin*
1B Y. Alonso
2B J. Gyorko
RF C. Denorfia
C N. Hundley
RH A. Cashner
RH I. Kennedy
RH T. Ross
LH E. Stults
LH R. Erlin
H. Street
3 l San Francisco
2013 l 76-86, third place (tie)
Last year in playoffs l 2012
Madison Bumgarner might be the most underpaid pitcher in the majors. He had a 2.77 ERA last season, best besides Kershaw in the NL West. The Giants can buy him out of his first three years in free agency (2017-19) for no more than $12 million per year; Tim Lincecum (4.76 ERA in 2012-13) is getting $17 million this year.
CF A. Pagan
1B B. Belt
C B. Posey
RF H. Pence
3B P. Sandoval
LF M. Morse
2B J. Arias
SS B. Crawford
LH M. Bumgarner
RH M. Cain
RH T. Hudson
RH T. Lincecum
RH R. Vogelsong
RH S. Romo
4 l Colorado
2013 l 74-88, fifth place
Last year in playoffs l 2009
The Rockies have a fearsome foursome in Cuddyer, Gonzalez, Tulowitzki and Morneau, each of whom has hit 30 homers. Unfortunately, Gonzalez and Morneau last hit 30 five years ago, Cuddyer did it four years ago, and Tulowitzki last did it three years ago. Closer LaTroy Hawkins, 40, last led his team in saves in 2004.
CF D. Stubbs
RF M. Cuddyer
LF C. Gonzalez
SS T. Tulowitzki
1B J. Morneau
C W. Rosario
3B N. Arenado
2B D. LeMahieu
LH J. De La Rosa
LH B. Anderson
RH T. Chatwood
RH J. Nicasio
LH F. Morales
RH L. Hawkins
5 l Arizona
2013 l 81-81, second place
Last year in playoffs l 2011
The Diamondbacks were going to get Masahiro Tanaka, or Shin-Soo Choo, or Matt Garza in free agency. They got Bronson Arroyo, 37. They traded young depth to get slugger Mark Trumbo and closer Addison Reed, yet Arizona did not summon uber-prospect Archie Bradley to replace injured ace Patrick Corbin.
CF A. Pollock
2B A. Hill
1B P. Goldschmidt
3B M. Prado
LF M. Trumbo
C M. Montero
SS C. Owings
RF G. Parra
LH W. Miley
RH T. Cahill
RH B. McCarthy
RH R. Delgado
RH B. Arroyo
RH A. Reed
*Could start season on disable list.


text:
Time for your Deadspin Open Mailbag Tuesday. Email us here or submit your questions via Twitter. This week, we're covering sexy 80's videos, weighing things, sneezing, Mini Wheats, and more.
When you weigh yourself, do you pretend you're a boxer? Whenever I weigh myself, which is usually after taking a dump and before a shower, I'm almost always in nothing but underwear (if anything at all). So I'll get on the scale, look down, and then look up into the bathroom mirror and put my arms up in a bicep flex, like a boxer posing for pictures after a weigh-in. I think it's almost a reflex at this point. You?
Ditto. Not only do I raise my arms after the weight is registered, but before I go to weigh myself, I do that boxer thing where they stutter step on their approach, like they're actually in the ring, circling an opponent. They kind of jog in place and throw little mini-jabs. It looks totally badass when Manny Pacquiao does this. I look like Christy Brown. The only problem is that I don't have a doctor's scale in my home. The doctor's scale adds that little extra touch of realism to all my pre-bout weigh-ins. There's one at my gym, but I can't raise my arms in victory there without everyone in the open area thinking I'm an asshole.
One plus to the doctor's scale: If you're losing weight, skipping down one of those 50 lb. increments feels fucking glorious. Like, I used to have to slide the big weight to 250 before I played roulette with the small weight. But now I only have to slide the big weight to 200, which totally makes me feel like I lost 50 pounds, even though I haven't.
In my house, I have this digital scale that weighs you down to the tenth of a pound. A lot of readers emailed in last week to extol the virtues of using such scales to weigh your poops. You step on the scale, you go to take a shit, and then you come back and weigh yourself again. One reader got to, like, 2.1 pounds. Not bad at all. I've now started to weigh EVERYTHING this way. I weigh my slippers. My slippers were 2 pounds. HOLY FUCK! My sweater was 1.2 pounds. My kid was 33.2 pounds. It's completely addictive and I can't stop weighing shit. I can't recommend it enough.
Stephen B. Awesome:
What percentage of dough do you eat prior to the cookie being baked?
Ten percent, but it's a fucking Herculean effort to keep the percentage that low. You and I know damn well we don't even have to bake the things if we don't want to. But I lack the balls to follow through with eating 100% dough.
My wife is always horrified when I eat raw cookie dough. "HOW COULD YOU? THERE ARE RAW EGGS IN THERE!" Well then, we need to put raw eggs in more shit around here, because raw eggs are a DELIGHT.
About a month a go, someone broke into my house while I was out at the pub. The police sent me a form to list the property that I'd lost. Here is a detail from that form.
If I'd lost anything actually valuable - my roommate's broken iPod doesn't count - this wouldn't be funny, but it is. Unless the cops who came somehow figured out how often I play NBA Live. Shit.
But that isn't your full name on the form. LOSER!
If you're like me you sneeze in pairs. Sometimes I try to sneeze as hard as possible just to avoid the second one but rarely succeed. As most humans, I appreciate someone saying, "Bless you/Geshundheit" after clearing my nose and acknowledge this with a "thank you". But isn't it awkward when you say, "Bless you" after the first sneeze only to have it followed up by ANOTHER sneeze. This is a lose-lose situation. If you say, "bless you" again, you are setting a dangerous precedent. Now what if the sneezing train continues? You're locked in. You HAVE to bless every sneeze that follows. Conversely, you don't say anything after the second sneeze. Then the sneezer is sitting there thinking, "What? Was that sneeze not good enough to be blessed?"
I'm worse. I sneeze in increments of four and five. Never less, never more. And I sneeze loud, despite my best efforts to muffle the sound. Sounds like my head is fucking blowing apart. I don't care who you are. There are times when a really loud sneeze from someone else will scare the shit out of you, and I tend to be someone who sneezes like that. When I worked in an office, everyone thought I was a complete fucking freakshow. They all said, "Bless you" on the second and third go rounds. By the fourth, they were actively telling me to shut the fuck up with my sneezing. And I was always like, I WOULD FUCKING STOP IF I COULD, DAMMIT.
And my wife is even WORSE. In the spring and fall, she gets allergy attacks, and will go on tears where she sneezes ten to twenty times in a row. And when she does that, I act EXACTLY like my old officemates did. I say Bless You a few times, and by the seventh time, I'm just like, YOU HAVE TO FUCKING LEAVE HERE. When she feels the sneeze attacks come on, I just say Bless You a dozen times right in a row before she's even done it, for her to use as she pleases. And then I leave.
I think a good guideline is saying Bless You for two sneezes. After that, the fucker is blessed enough.
So my one of my buddies has an interview next week to be a strip club DJ. He has asked our circle of friends to come up with a DJ name but we're all having trouble. His name is TJ so an obvious name would be DJ TJ but he thinks it's cheesy (said the strip club DJ).
Got any good strip club DJ names?
You need to ask a black person this question, because any answer I give you will be something like DJ Onion, of DJ Sex Grossman, or something a white person clearly came up with. It shouldn't even have the word DJ in it.
That's a real problem in movies, when there's a character who's a hip hop star, only the white screenwriter gave them their DJ handle, so they end up with a name like MC Frost, which is less a hip hop star's name than an 80-year-old white person's idea of what a hip hop star is named. White people lack the innovation to come up with decent hip hop names like Young Jeezy. That name wouldn't even cross a white person's mental radar. You can also tell a white person wrote the movie if hip hop is still referred to as rap.
So I was talking to this super religious chick I knew in high school, and she told me that she had never kissed a guy before and that she was saving her first kiss for the altar! Do you think there is any man out there, who is truly straight and truly a man, that would date a girl until marriage without so much as locking lips with her?
No. And she's full of shit. As soon as she hits 28 and is still alone because no sane man would bother with a girl too prude to even kiss, she'll give up the tongue. AND MORE.
I understand the saving your virginity until marriage for religious reasons. If that's your thing, so be it. But no kissing? Please. What if the guy has fucking cadaver breath?
Is it okay to re-use freezer bags?
Yes. THOSE FUCKERS AREN'T CHEAP!
Kristofferson Kriskristofferson:
Ever look at the inside of a blueberry? I have, and it is disgusting. I would rather wear a ski-mask made of peter king's used workout socks than have to do that again. That is all.
Yeah, they're kind of yellowish. Semi-puslike. And don't get me started on the organs of star fruit!
When it comes to fruit, there's nothing I find more repulsive than peeling an orange and discovering the inside of it is bone dry. No juice. No moisture. Just dry as shit segments with nothing but orange fibers. That horrifies me. Like opening a mummy. And all that work for NUTHIN'!
I use Barbasol (original formula). For some reason, gels do not provide proper protection for my face. I don't have a heavy beard or anything. I wonder what the ratio to gels vs cream users are.
I have to think that gels are more popular now, because there are more gels than foams in the shaving cream aisle. But here's the real question: Which product gives you more shaves for your money? Like, if you bought a 12 oz. can of Edge gel, and a 12 oz. can of Barbasol foam, which would last longer, provided you shaved on the same schedule with both? Which would give you more shaves? You would think, given that gel is concentrated, you could use LESS of it each time you shave, therefore giving you better value. BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW? WHAT ARE THE PEOPLE AS SC JOHNSON WAX HIDING?
I work in Boston. This sign recently appeared in front of the pretentious XV hotel's restaurant "Mooo." The sign speaks for itself.
God, I just want to key every Lexus I see now. And I want to burn that restaurant down to the ground. Mooo? Really? Lemme guess: It's a steakhouse.
/looks it up online
IT IS! HOLY SHIT! That's the worst fucking name for a steakhouse ever. Steakhouse should be named after men who are old or dead. Mooo? Who named that shithole? A three year old? "Welcome to my steakhouse. I call it, And Cow!"
I worked for the AAA Sacramento River Cats shooting the brat/hot dog cannon for a season and there is a little known fact about the food from the cannon. Since the gun is fired by air pressure, the dogs/brats have to be carefully wrapped and taped pregame to ensure they fire correctly and don't fly all over the place. Typically, by the time we fired our brats into the crowd around the 5th or 6th inning they had been sitting next to the cannon in the dirt floored equipment shed for about 4 hours. The team claimed you were allowed to take your brat to the concession stand and exchange it for a fresh one but no one ever knew this. I'd guess 99% of the time people ate lukewarm 4-hour-old equipment shed brats. That is pretty nasty but at least leads to great poop stories for future mailbags.
But 4 hours in the shed help give those sausages body and character, not unlike any number of Texas Tech football players. I'm sure those ancient brats harbor countless airborne bacteria after sitting around so long. And yet, if I caught one at a game, I'd still eat the shit out of it. I wouldn't even trade it in if I knew that was an option. I'd want to eat the brat I caught, strictly for the posterity. And the buttworms.
Have you noticed those Hibachi chefs all have basically the same routine? I've eaten at these places on east and west coasts, and for the most part they are all the same:
·Oil smiley face at start - check
·Clanging spatula and fork - check
·"Eggroll" - check
·Flip shrimp tail into hat – check
Is there a secret "Yankee will rove this trick" blog these guys trade ideas on?
But what did you expect? Ad libbing? This isn't Second City. Those guys are dealing with sizzling hot meats. You don't want them improvising, otherwise BOOM! Two thousand degree hunk of flank steak RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING EYE. Also, no childless person should ever be seen in a Benihana. That goofy shit is for kids. There's no reason to pay $30 for well-done ass steak cooked tableside. Real adults should go to a proper steakhouse. Like Mooooooooobaaalalala in Chestnut Hill.
Which of the variety of Kellog's Frosted Mini-Wheat is your favorite? (and don't try and lie to the people and say you haven't had them all)
Strawberry Delight? Blueberry Muffin? Maple & Brown Sugar? Regular?!
Please state your fat case and or make a list.
The Blueberry ones disturb me. They have those Little Bites now. One is Chocolate flavored. The other is Honey Nut, I think. Those are solid because they have shitloads of frosting, and less of the wheat. The wheat is fucking horrible. Let's face it: Regardless of the flavor, by the end of any Mini Wheat bowl you're just sitting there, wondering when the fuck you can stop chewing. One reader also pointed out the Mini Wheats absorb so much milk, that it all but disappears by the end of the bowl. You're just left with the soggy mess of ass. And then you hit the toilet two hours later and shit your guts out.
I was reading some article about healthiest cereals and the #1 healthy cereal was plain Shredded Wheat. You know the ones: those fucking GIANT ones with no frosting. I would kill myself if I had to eat that every morning.
Do you ever wish you could "unknow" something. And I'm not talking about pushing the useless garbage in your brain out (like Curtis Enis' jersey number) in favor of something useful (your wife's birthday). I mean that disturbing picture of the 300-pound woman getting quad-penetrated that your friend sent you. Or the story about the kid that had sex with the cup of poop. I wish I could unsee or unread those things and did not have them floating around in my brain.
It's more a sight thing than a knowledge thing, like the quote from 8MM. I wish I could unsee Tubgirl. (NOTE: Do NOT search the term Tubgirl). That one really haunts me. I picture it in my head at least once a week, and it just makes me want to fucking die.
Pretty much any filmed rape scene would be nice to leave out of my cerebral cortex. I can't stand that. There's this old Wesley Snipes movie called Sugar Hill, and in the movie there's this guy played by Clarence Williams III (I think), and he walks into this room with a girl (played by Theresa Randle, I think), and he's really nice to her, and then he just starts beating the shit out of her, punching her in the face. Then he grabs her and is like, "Now you're gonna suck my dick." That horrified me. Why'd you have to be such a bastard, Clarence? If I see Clarence Williams III on the street, I'll punch him in the kidneys from behind and then run.
Same thing with that episode of "The Sopranos" where Joey Pants beats the stripper to death. The whole thing, from start to finish, bothered me to no end. I wish I'd never seen it, particularly the part where the girl is forced to blow a cop in the club. You just feel like shit when you see that.
And there are certain sex scenes in movies that make you completely disgusted with the idea of sexual congress forever. There's a sex scene in the movie Deconstructing Harry featuring Richard Benjamin plowing Julia Louis-Dreyfus while some blind grandma is in the room. It's fucking horrible. Never see that movie, no matter what Leitch tells you. It sucks. Virtually any serious sex scene involving an old man - Like Jeremy Irons in Damages - disturbs me to no end. I want no part of it. Remember Nick Nolte and Jennifer Lopez in U-Turn? Guhhhhhhhh.
Certain porn actors also creep the shit out of me. There was this one guy who used to work with Jenna Jameson a lot, and he was this middle-aged guy who looked like a shoe salesman. Scared me to death.
Does your wife annex the cupholder? I swear every time I try to put a drink in it (which is its stated function), it is filled with her sunglasses, chapstick, lipstick, receipts, cell phone, wallet, mints, and used tissues. Is this situation unique to me? Don't women carry around purses to store all that shit in? Once they get in the car, boom, all that shit goes in the cupholder.
I'm guilty of using the cupholder for those purposes as well, particularly sunglasses and coins. And the reason is because, when I get into the car, I have shit I want to throw into the car, but I can't put it in the passenger seat because it'll slide off the seat the second I make a turn. There are 5,000 pens under the passenger seat of my car. The cupholder is the best place for storing shit securely. Thus, hello there, fifty-day-old dry cleaning ticket!
Dave J:
Remember all those spank-bank worthy music videos on MTV, ones that would have some insanely hot video babe dancing around, only to have the moment ruined by shots of the damn band? Why didn't they just run the babe for the whole video? So that's my idea—the bands recut their videos to feature extended clips of just the chick dancing around, and put it all on one DVD. My theory is that this would be THE classic gift for any guy who's older than 25. Can you even imagine getting that? ALL those old videos you used to love, but with absolutely no cuts of skeezy guy musicians around to interrupt you? Holy shit, it would be like the golden age of music video spanking.
I would buy that DVD. Actually, more accurately, I would steal that DVD off of MegaUpload and then store it in a folder where family members couldn't access it. Those videos are special because, if you're my age, those are among the first things that went into your Spank Bank. And that makes the jerk more meaningful for some reason. Nothing like a little dash of nostalgia in your jerk. I think this is because, back when I was 12, my horniness was absolutely INSANE. I mean, I get horny now, but nothing like when I was 12. Horny at 12 is a whole other animal. It's like someone lit me on fucking fire. So those videos bring a little of that concentrated horniness back.
Again, it saddens me that rock videos don't have hot chicks dancing around in them. Rock n roll without the sex isn't rock and roll anymore. It's just Nickelback.
Side note: you should do a top five list for classic music videos that inspired the most furious jerking off—I don't know about all of them, but I'd have to say Billy Idol's "Cradle of Love" video is the all time best. That chick was completely ridiculous. I killed more potential humans than Xenu over that video.
That's probably the tops. Any ranking would include that video, "Here I Go Again," "Girlschool," "Hot For Teacher," and any number of other obvious selections. The question is… which ones did you miss? Are they any underrated ones you didn't give your full attention to? I think there were. Here's my favorite: "Rhythm of Love," by the Scorpions.
They're on an entire PLANET of hot pussy. That rules. And the "Tease Me Please Me" video also brings the boner heat:
Three more. "Summertime Girls" by Y&T. Watch at the beginning when a guy with a metal detector finds one of the band members buried in the sand. BECAUSE HE'S METAL.
"Don't Treat Me Bad," by Firehouse. The song is awful. The blonde is fucking flawless.
"Reason to Live," by Kiss. Featuring Playboy model Eloise Broady. Oof.
When you're showering & you drop anything, do you always think twice about bending down to pick it up? Maybe I've watched too many OZ episodes, but I never not think about the nefarious prison showers... You never know, Adibisi could be hiding somewhere in my bathroom.
Agreed. The percentage of someone barging into your shower at that moment and raping you are low. BUT THERE'S STILL A PERCENTAGE, ISN'T THERE?
Kid Presentable:
How many times do you reuse towels before they need to be washed? I average about 2 - 3 times per, but still get hesitant every time I go to dry my face on what may or may not be the same area that thoroughly dried my asshole and balls just 24 hours prior. Even if it's when you're at your cleanest, it's still like bathroom roulette ... there's always about a 15 - 25% chance of rubbing your face in that area (not counting the rest of your body), and the odds go up with every reuse. I assume Howie Mandel uses a new towel every day.
Tom W:
I'm a huge fan of the two towel system after showering but my roommates give me shit for it. I use one towel to dry my legs/crotch/gooch area and a different towel to dry my face and hair. I cannot imagine using one towel and potentially drying my face with the same piece of cloth used to dry my hairy nuts/gooch. My roommates claim to section off their one towel into separate areas for nuts/face drying but I don't buy this method one bit.
You're probably right, but I've never had that anxiety over not wanting to touch the part of the towel that dried my ass to my face. I just took a shower. My ass is clean, in theory. (Despite my history of pooping in towels) What does it matter if the towel touched my gooch before it touched my face? You could serve a twelve-course meal on my nuts after a shower, I scrub so thoroughly.
To answer the first question, I'd never wash a towel if my wife weren't around. Sometimes, my wife will come up to me with one of my gym towels.
HER: You need to wash this.
ME: Why?
HER: Smell it.
ME: I don't smell anything.
HER: Can't you smell the mildew? There's mildew all over this thing!
ME: Really? I don't smell anything. I swear. You need to stop smelling things so carefully.
HER: (walks away in disgust)
Am I alone in thinking one of the greatest pleasures is a shower while high? Often times, I'll deliberately take a few puffs just before taking a shower, and the result is euphoric.
Add a shower beer in there, and ECSTASY. I've been in houses before where they have the house's sound system also hooked up in the shower, so you can listen to music while you shower. Imagine an entire afternoon in your shower, high and drinking beers, rocking out like a fucking champ? God damn, I wanna be crazy rich. I would totally make the most of it.
But yeah, showering while high feels great. And in a really pure way. You're just high and showering, and you're just like HEY, I FEEL GREAT! IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT DAY! No irony at all.
RE: Urinal splashguards. First, the title of these things is bullshit. If you don't hit right in one of the holes, it looks like you showered with your fucking pants on. Why are these things in urinals? Is it because they know men love to pretend they are an archer in the Olympic games? Probably... but since my accuracy has declined, I LOATHE them.
Yeah, but I do like threading the needle with my stream. Sometimes, the splashback is WORSE when you make it through the urinal guard because some nefarious toilet operator put those little Dippin Dots underneath, and then the shit just goes flying everywhere. CHAOS THEORY IN ACTION.
Speaking of DVD warnings, have you noticed that Interpol had some sort of convention back on Sept. 8, 1977?
I know! That's when they sat down and wrote "Slow Hands".
My GF makes me buy dinner for my parents now. My parents like going to real restaurants and always offer to pay but I have to pick up the check and that shit ain't cheap. Every time its $100-$125 for the four of us.
That's insanity. You tell your girl to come correct, or else you and the rents will be taking her out to Miami Subs from now on.
I have a question: I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 5 years and for the past 3, she has been shoving this engaged/marriage shit down my throat. Most of my friends are married or engaged and when she finds that shit out it makes my day feel worse. So I've asked my parents the same question I'm asking you…WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF GETTING MARRIED?
Well, my towels get washed. Look, if you don't like the idea of getting married, DON'T DO IT. I get married because I was certain I loved my wife and that marrying her was the exact thing I wanted to do. Don't feel that way? Then don't do it. Don't do marriage half-assed. You'll be divorced and penniless within a decade.
Why do people get married? Because having a supportive and loving lifetime companion is pretty much the key to having a great life. That's why. I love being married and would rather eat out a rotten asshole than not be married right now.
And, again, my towels are washed for me. It's nice.
I saw a boat over a few summers named "Cirrhosis of the River." Good name, quasi-great name?
The best.
Did you ever hear of a "solar hit"? This is when you use a magnifying glass to light your bowl or bong (like you burn a leaf/ant when you were little). It's supposed to be the most pure way to smoke, no chemicals or other tastes, just pure weed. I like it, but more because but I like to think that God is lighting my weed, I mean how cool is that?
I have not done this. I asked resident pot expert KOGOD for his take on this.
It's not all that dissimilar from vaporizing with indirect heat from what I could tell. It's also a pain in the ass. Using a magnifying glass to direct a beam of light is one thing, doing it while high is another matter entirely. Tasty though
Yeah, sounds laborious.
I'd like to add shuffleboard to your list of kickass basement games. My buddy just built a house down the street from me, and has a large unfurnished basement.
I want to get about 20 of his friends to ante $50 to buy a good shuffleboard table.
Oh, the ones with the heavy metal pucks you slide? I love that. Although, think about it in comparison to air hockey. In air hockey, you also get a puck, and you can bash the living fuck out of it. Shuffleboard, you have to be careful. You have to slide it gently. Given my clumsiness and urge to break things while drunk, I'd still prefer air hockey. But fuck yeah, shuffleboard would be nice.
How did you propose? How do most people do this? Is it always the no warning, bended knee move? Or can you be less formal than that? I ask out of curiosity only, I'm single.
I had an ornate plan to propose to my wife, but then I got the ring and was so terrified of losing it or breaking it, that all I wanted to do was give it to her so she could assume liability for it. The time in between getting the ring and giving it to her is harrowing. All I could think about was losing it. So I just pulled over and proposed in the car. Since then, I've heard stories from far more smug couples about how the husband sprinkled a suite at the Four Seasons with rose petals, or how he proposed to her on top of Everest, or some bullshit like that. THINK YOUR PROPOSAL WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN MINE, DO YOU, MOUNTAIN BOY? FUCK YOU.
I didn't even ask permission from her dad. I found out afterwards this is, like, a common thing. I thought we got rid of that in the 50's or something. No way I was going to ask the dad. What if he said no? That really happened to someone I knew once. Imagine getting the Heisman from the Dad. I'd fucking collapse.
So, on my last trip home to see my parents, I had some relatives in town. I was getting ready at my parents house when my Dad walked by while I was shaving and asked, "What the hell are you doing?" Now I thought this was a pretty stupid question til my Dad followed it up by asking, "You don't shave in the shower?" I had always shaved at the sink after getting out of the shower. Seemed like a pretty normal procedure to me. I didn't really think about it again until my girlfriend was shopping and bought me a shaving set. Gel, balm, face wash, and a free shower shaving mirror. Now I thought this was stupid and almost just threw it away, but figured what the hell...I'll give it a shot. And I have to say, I think I'm switching over to shaving in the shower. Seems like I get a better shave now. I was curious to see where the majority was. I assumed most shaved at the sink, but you never know.
Yeah, but you need adequate space in your shower for all the equipment: razor, mirror, cream, etc. That requires a rich person's shower. WITH A STEREO. AND WEED.
I just peeled a navel orange to eat at work (USING A KNIFE, GODDAMN IT) and I threw out the little mutant segments like I always do. I know perfectly well that they taste normal and I should eat them, but I've always chucked them ever since I found out that they're basically a mutant Siamese twin abortion orange stuck to the end of the bigger orange. Ugh. Does anybody else chuck those?
No, I eat those. I have no issue with them. I also switched over to peeling with a knife when my wife saw me peeling by hand the one day and was like, "What are you doing?" Then she grabbed a knife, cut off the top and bottom, made four slits down the sides, and took the peel right off. No orange fingers. No millimeter of pith still stuck to the fucking thing. I was an instant convert.
Sometimes when I poop with a magazine, book, etc. I'll finish pooping but stay on the pot until I'm done with the article or finished the chapter. How long is too long to remain on the throne when you've finished your business?
Until you get the numb legs. I'll happily sit there and read another article until the numb legs set in, and that's because I'm maximizing time away from having to handle the kids. I walk out of that shitter after fifteen minutes and my lady KNOWS I was milking the clock. No matter how much I try to overplay the size of the shit. I WASN'T READING! I WAS PUSHING OUT A FUCKING BEAST! I SWEAR! She knows better.
Ever wonder if women have spank banks? What do they masturbate to? Do they picture that sensitive guy with nice eyes at the Gap seducing them with flowers and poetry? Do they just set the rabbit loose and let their thoughts go? Do they fantasize about each other (HOT!)?
I was talking in some other mailbag a while back about it being cool to know which chicks have frigged themselves to you. And some guy wrote in with a response from his female co-worker that was like, "We do NOT do that. We don't have jack off to guys we know." Well then, what the hell do you picture while masturbating? The Anthropologie catalog? Your father being nice to you? I don't get it.
This is a private residence on Dilleys Road, just south of the Wisconsin border in IL. The name of the road certainly does not inspire in me thoughts of ancient Egypt …in fact, Dilleys road sounds pretty shitty to me, so maybe this makes some kind of sense.
Is it made of cheese? Because that would be fun.
Drew (not me):
What do you think would be more embarrassing for us as a society? 1: Clothing is banned worldwide, everyone has to walk around nude all day (let's just assume it's nice outside) but we still have our senses of shame and decency. 2: Whenever you masturbated thinking about somebody, that person would be immediately alerted in their head, would be able to picture you masturbating, and could see what you were masturbating to about them. I have to go with the second choice. Anarchy within the year at least...
Agreed. You'd get used to everyone being naked after a while. Even public boners. You'd get used to public boners if they just became this regular thing. Even if you got one yourself, you can always fool women by telling them it's a random thing you can't control (often true). The second thing would destroy society as we know it.
I have a recurring dream where I'm somewhere out in public, and I'm naked. But no one else is. And I start whacking it in front of everyone, only I don't realize it until I'm mid-way through, and then everyone's seen me doing it, and they're like, "Why are you whacking it in public?" Then I feel terribly embarrassed. Then I wake up in paralyzing fear. I may have issues.
When I was a freshman in college all of our dorm rooms had bunk beds that could be separated into two different beds. When doing this, each bed post had a hole that was used for connecting to the other bed. Once my bed became free standing I immediately started putting boogers into this hole at the beginning of the year. At the end of the year I checked with a flashlight to see how full I got it. The thing was about 6-8 inches deep, and I nearly filled the entire thing up. Here's hoping you broaden your booger deposit options.
We had bunk beds in college, but I never separated them because we wanted to maximize the open space. Bad move. There's nothing worse than being on the bottom bunk in college, and you hear sounds coming from the top bunk in the middle of the night, and you just KNOW your roommate is jacking it. But you don't want him to know you know, so you just freeze the fuck up until he's finally done. That's why I always took the top bunk.
Best movie to see in a black theater: Exit Wounds starring DMX and Steven Seagal. 2001. I was there. Fact.
I gotta think 2012 was a solid choice as well. Anything with white people in trouble. "THE FUCK YOU GONNA DO NOW? YOU GONNA DROP YOUR PISTOL WHEN YOU BUST IN THE WINDOW! THAT'S YOUR ASS, I GUESS!"
Sweet Jesus.
What is your favorite canned dough product?
I think first is the crescent roll. Then the Grands cinnamon roll - the type that only has five in a can, not the pussy kind that has 8 in a can.
It is definitely close, but those crescent rolls are like heaven.
Fuck that. It has to be the cinnamon rolls, with those little tectonic plates of cinnamon sugar butter on top and the giant tub of icing on the end. As I said before, when the tube pops, so does mine. Those things are out of control, they're so good.
Pillsbury also makes a tube of bread you can bake right up. It's like a baguette. Out of the oven, it is insanely good. But after a day, it becomes dogshit. It can't be salvaged, not even as bread crumbs. That can't be a good sign for what it contains.
I clean my ears all the time, and I get pretty pumped when I pull the cotton swab out and see a bunch of yellow/orange/red gunky ear wax. The problem is I do it so often that I really don't get the big haul from letting it accumulate. So sometimes I have to refrain and hold out on cleaning my ears just for the extra satisfaction. Am I the only one who feels this way about ear wax?
Agreed. I love digging out a solid clump. Makes me feel like I have productive ears. And I really dig in there to get at it. Half the time, I go too far and hit something that hurts like hell, yet I go right back to doing it, because I'm retarded. I know you aren't supposed to Q-Tip your ears, because that supposedly pushes the wax back. But fuck that. It's far too satisfying to give up.
Also, whenever I Q-Tip my ears, my mouth opens involuntarily. No clue why. I have to keep it open until the Q Tip is out. The wife thinks it's the weirdest thing ever.
Bunk Moreland:
I shouldn't feel bad or pathetic about buying pot from my girlfriend's younger brother, correct? FYI, I'm a 24-year-old college graduate and he's a 17-year-old high school junior.
No. Do not feel bad. You have to buy pot where you have to buy it. I know it's illegal, but there's nothing worse than wanting pot and not being able to find a dealer. AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM IN THIS COUNTRY? They can't make California pot vending machines national fast enough.
Speaking of Empire Carpet, is there a more ubiquitous phone number in the country than that fucking "588-2300, EMPIIIIIIIIIRE!"? Until the day I die I will never forget that fucking number.
And I spent time growing up in Chicago, so the song has followed my ass around for the duration of my life. That and the Mennen sting at the end of every old Speed Stick commercial.
Pissing in the sink. Yes or no? For reasons I've yet to pinpoint, I thoroughly enjoy pissing in any and all sinks. I happen to be above average in height so logistically it works well for me. I don't think it's the forbidden fruit idea of it that lures me back time and again. If that were the case, I'd simply piss in my roommate's trashcan or something. The proximity of the sink bottom to the source is such that the velocity of stream impact is almost inspirational.
I concur. You can also rest your balls on the cool porcelain, which feels great. There's also very little splashback because the distance between your dick and the landing pad is so small. If it were acceptable, I'd far prefer to piss in the sink every time. They should have a bar where all the urinals are shaped like sinks and placed at sink height. Sometimes, I'll piss, only I didn't get it all out, and there's a little bit that's about to dribble out, so I have to clamp my dick quickly and then go release it somewhere. And the best place to do that? You guessed it.
RE: Cup a Soooouupp!!! My college roommate introduced me to a move like this, only we called it the Fart Ninja. You'd get a good one brewed up, fart into your hand and throw it into their face as described by the other guy. When doing it you were supposed to say "Ninja… Vanish!", and while they're being blinded by your noxious gift to the face, you get the fuck out of there like a ninja.
One of my pet peeves is when an athlete's jersey says "JR" on the back as if it were part of his last name. For example: St. John's University's Anthony Mason, Jr., whose jersey reads "MASON JR".
Do the players and programs not understand that the JR relates to the first name and not the last name? If Anthony Mason, Jr. had a brother named, say, Shmanthony, shouldn't his jersey have the same name as Anthony's on the back?
As it so happens, Anthony Mason DOES have a brother named Shmanthony. He also has a brother named Bananafannafofanthony.
Is there any feasible way to get your wife to try something you saw in porn, without alerting her to the fact that you first saw it in porn?
Not really. Because you have to have gotten it from SOMEWHERE, and where else would it have come from? "Baby, if you could, I'd like to bang you on this exercise bike." She's not dumb. No way you could have figured that out yourself. BUT I READ ABOUT IT IN FHM! I SWEAR!
You ever have a shituation at work where you take a dump, then as you're washing your hands a friend of yours comes in and then goes right into the stall you just defiled with your pudding cannon?
It's even worse at a dinner party, or somewhere more formal. You come out after taking a dump, someone is waiting there, and there's no doubt about what you just did, and the next person in just has to go in there and fucking TAKE IT. Kind of awesome, actually.
You ever think about what dancing must look like to deaf people? They must sit there thinking about how retarded everyone is.
Depends on who's dancing. Something tells me they'd see the "Cradle of Love" girl dancing and immediately be on board.
I can not stand it when, at the grocery store or the gas station or wherever (anywhere with a cashier), the cashier gives me my change in the following order: bills, coins. Fuck. That. Noise. The coins slide right off!
Indeed they do. There's a nice depression in your outstretched palm to house that change. It should be taken advantage of.
I go to Safeway for food sometimes, and they have this thing where the change comes out of a change dispenser at the end of the aisle. Only the clerk NEVER tells me that's where the change is coming out. So I'll sit there for a good fifteen minutes with the bills in my hand, waiting for the cashier to give me the change on top, and then they'll finally turn to me and gesture to the change dish at the end of the counter. Well HOW WAS I TO KNOW, SAFEWAY MAN?!
The key to shaving is using oil before you put the shaving cream on. Its un-fucking real. It prevents razor burn and you can basically beat the shit out of your face with the razor. I use stuff from The Art of Shaving. They sell brushes and all sorts of other stuff. I have no idea what any of it does, but it makes me feel like a dude from the 1920s.
Is there anything worse than getting a new pair of jeans? It takes weeks to make them fit comfortably.
Agreed. Those first few weeks are agony. Like wearing fucking cardboard. Same as if you wash them. Washing jeans resets them, so they're often just as liable to dig into my fat waist than if they had been new. I never buy jeans. And I never wash them. You don't want to smell my jeans.
Wanted to spread the word on Toothpick.
The beauty of the game is equal parts simplicity and potential violence. A toothpick is placed at the bottom of the pool, at its deepest point. The diver then gets out and joins a group of an unlimited number of people in encircling the pool, waiting for the toothpick to slowly rise from the depths. When someone sees, or thinks they see, the toothpick, they yell "Toothpick!" and jump at it. This sounds somewhat lame even as I type it, but I assure you that there is never a time when only one person sees the toothpick. Usually 2-4 people see it at the same time, and the mid-air collisions are legendary. The winner is whoever comes out of the mass of humanity holding the toothpick. As the esteemed Mr Evans would say: Blood? You bet! Bruises? All over! Potential for drowning? Omnipresent!
Seriously, try having a couple beers and then grab a toothpick and head for the pool. You will not regret it.
Oh, I like the sound of that. Nothing beats fighting in a pool. SEXAY!


text:
Apple Aims High and Low With New iPhones
MarketWatch's Dan Gallagher reports from Apple headquarters in Cupertino, Calif., where Apple announced two new iPhones today. He breaks down the details.
This transcript has been automatically generated and may not be 100% accurate.
I ... the ankle but you know Apple stake or is it just concluded their ... event for the I phone five testified she ... is Dan Gallagher for MarketWatch ... as expected Apple put out two new I phone today ... I the I phone five s for the high-end in the I phone five C for ... Lauren Kasper ... aam as expected the I phone see is a word for lower priced to sell a ninety nine dollars with a two-year contract ... we don't know yet what the cost of an un subsidized price now been in for a fact to gauge how will you in some these emerging markets ... he spent a lot of time here on the I phone five that's ... and this is inching for Apple because of the high-end are also competing with smartphones are coming with these larger screens and other features ... they're still there still seems screen size with the I phone models ... of but they've been a lot of focus on the you know how we're computing capabilities of the I phone five best ... sixty four bit chip ... fingerprint scanner ... um a lot of focus on ... our door and of course our on this phone ... so clearly be their Marketing the ... marketing message going forward with a device ... on these devices will go on sale in one in less than two weeks so we'll see how they do once they hit the market ...


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text:
An upcoming study shows the future for birds and insect life around Fukushima has been badly damaged, an ominous sign of things to come.
The study, set to be published next week in Environmental Pollution, looked at 14 species of birds common to Fukushima and Chernobyl. David McNeill writes in the Irish Times:
Researchers working in the irradiated zone around the disabled Fukushima nuclear plant say bird populations there have begun to dwindle, in what may be a chilling harbinger of the impact of radioactive fallout on local life.
In the first major study on the impact of the world's worst nuclear crisis in 25 years, the researchers from Japan, the US and Denmark say that analysis of 14 species of birds common to Fukushima and Chernobyl shows the effect on numbers is worse in the Japanese disaster zone. [..]
Timothy Mousseau and Anders Pape Moller say their research there uncovered major negative effects among the local bird population, including reductions in longevity, male fertility and birds with smaller brains.
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Many species show "dramatically" elevated DNA mutation rates, developmental abnormalities and extinctions, they add, while insect life has been significantly reduced.
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Japanese researchers began studying flora and fauna around Fukushima in November, with an initial report on the findings expected in March.
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In this video uploaded to YouTube in June, a bird near the Fukushima Prefecture exhibits abnormal behavior: