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TRIGGER WARNING: This content deals with an account of sexual assault and may be triggering to some people.
When you're being raped time does not stop. Time does not speed up and jump ahead like it does when you are with friends. Instead, time becomes your nemesis; it slows to such an excruciating pace that every second becomes an hour, every minute a year, and the rape becomes a lifetime.
On May 25, 2011, I was raped by an acquaintance in Crossett Dormitory on Amherst College campus.
Some nights I can still hear the sounds of his roommates on the other side of the door, unknowingly talking and joking as I was held down; it is far from a pleasant wakeup call.
I had always fancied myself a strong, no-nonsense woman, whose intense independence was cultivated by seventeen harrowing years of emotional abuse in my backwoods home. May 25th temporarily shattered that self-image and left me feeling like the broken victim that I had never wanted to be.
Everything I had believed myself to be was gone in 30 minutes.
I did not report the rape after it occurred. Almost immediately after the rape I flew off to California, got lost in the beauty of the redwoods, the phenomenal art, and meeting the most unique people I'd ever beheld.
I blocked the rape from my mind and tried to convince myself that it hadn't happened; that it couldn't have happened. But there was no denying the facts.
One week before I was supposed to fly back East, everything rushed over and consumed me. My memory had been restored and I wasn't sure how I would be able to hold myself together for that year, let alone for the upcoming three years.
When I returned to Amherst for my sophomore year, I designed a simple plan of attack for surviving: Business as usual combined with a new mantra I will NOT cry.
First semester passed relatively well, there were rocky times, but I kept it together. I masked fear with smiles. I mastered the art of avoiding prying questions. I drowned myself in work and extracurricular activities in order to hide my personal pain. I was unnervingly good at playing the role of well-adjusted sophomore.
It was inevitable though that this masquerade would become too overwhelming and that my façade would shatter.
In February twisted fate decided that I had to work with him on a fundraiser. E-mails. Stopping me in the gym and at the dining hall. Smirks. Winks. Pats on my back. It was all too much.
My masquerade was over.
I broke down and for the next several months, he won.
I spent most of my spring semester an emotional wreck. I saw his face everywhere I went. I heard his voice mocking me in my own head. I imagined new rapists hiding behind every shower curtain and potted plant. I bandaged the situation by throwing myself into more work and by resolutely refusing to acknowledge that I was anything but well adjusted.
Eventually I reached a dangerously low point, and, in my despondency, began going to the campus' sexual assault counselor. In short I was told: No you can't change dorms, there are too many students right now. Pressing charges would be useless, he's about to graduate, there's not much we can do. Are you SURE it was rape? It might have just been a bad hookup…You should forgive and forget.
How are you supposed to forget the worst night of your life?
I didn't know what to do any more. For four months I continued wandering around campus, distancing from my friends, and going to counseling center. I was continuously told that I had to forgive him, that I was crazy for being scared on campus, and that there was nothing that could be done. They told me: We can report your rape as a statistic, you know for records, but I don't recommend that you go through a disciplinary hearing. It would be you, a faculty advisor of your choice, him, and a faculty advisor of his choice in a room where you would be trying to prove that he raped you. You have no physical evidence, it wouldn't get you very far to do this.
Hours locked in a room with him and being called a liar about being raped? No thank you, I could barely handle seeing him from the opposite end of campus; I knew I couldn't handle that level of negativity.
When May rolled around, everything finally came to a head. My "Anniversary" was coming up and all of the terror that I had intermittently felt that year became one giant ball of horror that filled my life. He was still out there. He could get to me again. If I told anyone he would find out and do it again. No, no, no, no, no.
For my independent studies photography course I produced a series of 20 self-portraits representing myself before, during, and after the rape.
I showed them to my classmates. Their words stung like hornets: You look funny…I don't get it, why are you so upset?
I went to the counseling center, as they always tell you to do, and spoke about how genuinely sad I was at Amherst, how much I wanted to leave, and how scared I was on a daily basis. "I should just drink darkroom developer or something…"
Twenty minutes later campus police was escorting me into an ambulance. They were even less understanding: There's something seriously wrong with you; you're not healthy and normal right now. No, you can't say no. You HAVE to go, but don't worry, you won't have to be there too long. This is for your own good. Amherst cares about you and wants you to get better.
On May 5th I entered Cooley Dickinson Hospital's Emergency Room. Three hours after sitting curled up and terrified on a hospital bed I was admitted into the Psychiatric Ward for depression and suicidal thoughts. The doctor was skeptical to say the least: I really don't think that a school like Amherst would allow you to be raped. And why didn't you tell anybody? That just doesn't make any sense...Your anger and sadness right now seem unfounded and irrational, someone your age should not be this sad—it's not normal. We'll be admitting you in a few minutes, they'll take good care of you. They'll get you some drugs and they'll make you feel happy again…If you don't willingly enter we'll have a judge issue a court order legally forcing you to stay there. Trust us, this is for your own good.
So much for not having to stay.
The Psychiatric Ward was a lovely place: the top floor of the hospital, bare white walls, Spartan furnishings, and two stainless steel locked doors at either end of the corridor making sure that anyone who goes in, stays in. Doctors and Nurse Practitioners wondered around the bare hallways checking in on myself and my fellow patients—every fifteen minutes they recorded where we were, what we were doing, and whether we looked happy. In the morning we were given our drugs; if you didn't take them you would have to be there longer. It was in our best interest to take them, so they told us.
During the day we discussed our thoughts and feelings, our inhibitions, our strengths, but more often than not we did nothing.
When you're forced to sit and think about yourself for hours on end, you go through four stages of existence.
Stage 1: Hysteria—Characterized by denying that anything is wrong, "I'm perfectly fine" and "I don't belong here," are common phrases during this stage.
Stage 2: Numb and Ornery—You have finally realized that something is wrong with you, but you are overwhelmed and confused about how to go about fixing your problem. You therefore decide not to do anything.
Stage 3: Determination—You realize that the only way you're allowed to leave the Ward is if you "get better" and "solve your problems." Every fiber of your being thus goes into these two tasks.
Stage 4: Enlightenment—Everything falls into place. Your mind is no longer an oppressive hell and it begins to function again. The outside world no longer seems so daunting.
You are then permitted to leave.
My Enlightenment occurred when I least expected it. Four days into the Ward, I was sitting in on an introductory Substance Abuse and Mental Health Rehabilitation meeting since there was absolutely nothing better to do. To start us off, the meeting leader decided to have everyone go around and talk about why we were on the Ward. We went around the circle: hours in rehab, drug relapses, alcoholism, abusive boyfriends, being an abusive boyfriend, and escapism from the stresses of daily life. The stories weren't the superficial accounts that you read in a person's medical file; they were real life. Every problem, every ounce of frustration, every personal tick was laid bare that evening. And everyone was open, not proud, just blunt and sincere; the desire to improve their lives was palpable.
Over the past four days, I had yet to touch upon "what I was in for," my story was a mystery to everyone around me.
As my fellow patients went around the circle it all suddenly clicked. I realized why I never spoke about the rape, why I had refused to tell my school friends, why I had totally broken down, why I had steadily degenerated over the past few months. I was ashamed, and because of this shame I could not begin healing.
"Silence has the rusty taste of shame," a fellow survivor once wrote.
I had been far too silent, far too ashamed.
That night I told them everything.
For the first time I told my story and I was not ashamed.
Later that night, as I lay in bed—still in an adrenaline induced state of wakefulness—I heard my roommate whisper my name, and then, a question.
"Are you still awake?"
"Thought so…"
A long pause. She'd been in the meeting.
What was she thinking? What would she say?
"I just wanted to tell you, I…I know how it feels. My uncle raped me when I was 15. The police never arrested him. Rape "wasn't their top priority." It still hurts…You're incredibly brave to talk about it…I rarely do."
She was 42 years old.
I did not sleep. That night I realized that from then on I could not stay silent—if not for myself, then for my roommate.
I had reached the apex of Stage 4.
I decided that once I was released I would continue with my plans to study abroad that upcoming semester; I would be rejuvenated when I returned to campus in the winter, ready to take on the world and fight for survivor rights.
I would be strong again.
From the moment I woke, this plan hit one pitfall after another; a domino effect of roadblocks that continued for the next three months.
I sat at breakfast in bright spirits, attempting to carry on a conversation with a manic depressive woman who rarely talked. I was so genuinely happy that her lack of responses didn't even bother me—I just talked at her.
In the middle of my stimulating conversation my harried looking social worker suddenly strode into the dining room and headed purposefully over to me.
She looked grim and angry. "They're trying to prevent you from going back."
I was shocked.
She began rattling off the Administration's policy regarding students released from psychiatric care. In order for students to be allowed back they had to have parental supervision while on campus in order to make sure that the student did not relapse into substance abuse again (the most common reason for student admittance into the Ward). This meant that a parent would stay in a hotel near campus and would then follow their child around for two weeks until the "all clear" period was reached. "And since you don't have parents…"
She trailed off awkwardly and began to resolutely examine the upper left-hand corner of the dining room.
I must have been speechless for a good minute as a bizarre series of emotions plowed me over.
Shock to incredulity, back to shock, to sadness to anger, back to shock again, then back to sadness, and then an overwhelming amount of shame and embarrassment settled over me. I'm not worthy of even going back; that's how disgusting I am. I can't even step foot on campus…
Panic welled up inside of me.
Did this mean I was trapped on the Ward forever? God, no, I couldn't handle that. I wasn't crazy!
Claustrophobia and paranoia dropped on top of me and I wildly scanned the room. I met my roommate's eyes. She was looking at me with worry: What's wrong?
The room stopped spinning, the walls went back to their normal locations, I could breathe again, and now I was angry. I told her flat out: Let me get this straight. I was raped on their campus. I had an emotional breakdown because I didn't feel safe and felt harassed on their campus. I went to their counseling center, like they told me to, and I told them how I was feeling. They decided that I should be sent to the hospital. And now they won't allow me back on their campus? They allow rapists back on campus, but they won't allow the girl who was raped back? The girl who did nothing wrong.
She told me: Well, when you put it that way…
The maniacal grin on my social worker's face as she walked off was wonderful.
Needless to say, Amherst let me back on campus later that evening. Five days after being admitted, I was finally released from the Ward.
The car ride back to campus with my dean was, also needless to say, the most awkward car ride of my life. I looked at her: You know, I'm really glad that y'all let me back on campus, for a while there I was pretty worried and I was actually preparing an argument for why I should be allowed back…
Her response: No, no, no! That's not what happened, you must have just misunderstood the situation! We're so happy to have you back! Amherst is just such a wonderful place, we know you'll be happy to be back!
A big misunderstanding, I was skeptical.
In the following days I decided that my best policy when dealing with Amherst at the moment would be "let's let bygones be bygones." I quickly forgave the Administration and focused on just being happy to be out. On the inside though I was still dripping with anger, shame, and embarrassment.
Several days after my release I had to defend my chance to study abroad. My chance to leave campus for the first time in 8 months, my chance to relax and heal in a new environment, my biggest chance to revive my love of Amherst, and my chance to move on in life by studying what I truly love. The prospect had gotten me through the most frigid hours on the Ward and I was convinced that it would be the perfect way to continue my healing process.
I half-heartedly murmured, Your actions were understandable. I understand your policy when dealing with depression and students coming out of the Psychiatric Ward…during the meeting that included my dean and several of the campus counselors. Relief instantly flashed across all of their faces and the atmosphere rose in friendliness.
Then: The Ward was the best thing that could have happened to me. I have re-found my love of life and my desire to heal. I will never be 100% better, but I no longer feel like a victim. I'm a survivor, I'm strong, and I think that studying abroad will help me continue healing. When I return in the winter I'll have a greater understanding of myself and a greater appreciation of Amherst.
They responded with enthusiasm: Of course! Very coherent explanation. You seem much happier, which is wonderful! We agree that going abroad and getting off campus will do you good.
Study abroad here I come!
I felt genuinely happy for the first time in a year, and I could not wait to head out.
At Amherst though, things are never that easy.
A few weeks after my release from the Ward I had a routine check-in with my dean to make sure that I was still doing well. I was excited to be leaving soon, and I must have looked quite content, sitting in her office with a million watt smile and bright eyes. I began to rattle on about how nice the warm weather was, how beautiful commencement had been, how great life was, on and on. She seemed distracted: Nod, nod…Mhmmm…Well, excellent! I'm so glad to hear that you're excited about the upcoming summer here. I know how much you wanted to study abroad and how much work you must've put into it, but really, it's for the best. Africa is quite traumatizing, what with those horrible third-world conditions: disease…huts…lions! You'll be much better off here at Amherst where we can watch over you. It will give you some time to think about…you know…that…unfortunate incident…
My face was blank. "I'm supposed to go to Cape Town, South Africa…" Her response broke me down: Yes dear, I know. You were supposed to study in Africa. It's all for the best that you aren't though.
No one ever told me flat out that I would no longer be studying abroad. Not even the study abroad dean told me. I scheduled a meeting with her for two days after the meeting with my dean.
A few minutes after exchanging pleasantries she asked: What are your plans for the summer now that you're on campus?
For the month of June I was decrepit, nothing could perk me up. I returned to feeling the embarrassment and shame that had consumed me before going onto the Ward. If I hadn't told anyone about what happened I'd be abroad…If I had been stronger…If I wasn't such a failure…This is all my fault, I really am just a broken, polluted piece of shit…
Living was difficult. Each day I woke up and wandered around in a daze. At night I stared blank faced at a wall and curled up in my chair in a fetal position. I couldn't talk with people. If I talk with them they might become infected with my dirtiness.
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I secretly hoped that one day on a run my heart would just stop and no one would have to see me again. I wasn't worth anything anyway.
I continued having to meet with my dean; she blamed my sadness on not being allowed to study abroad, but I knew that it wasn't that simple. I could live with not being allowed to go to South Africa at the moment, the country would be there for a while, but being forced to stay on campus in a dorm populated with men I did not know, that was the real psychological issue. Every time I told my dean that I didn't feel safe on campus, that I wanted to be allowed to leave , or at least be put in a different dorm, I received the same unhelpful responses that I had received in February. They told me: You were lucky to be given a room here this summer in the first place, housing is tight right now and you really shouldn't complain. All of your fear is ungrounded, Amherst is one of the safest places imaginable…If we let you leave campus we won't know what mental and emotional place you'll exist in when you return in September; you could become completely unstable! At Amherst we can monitor you, and, if need be, strongly suggest time off when the school year rolls around…
I felt like a prisoner, or, more accurately, like a harem girl. My jail was luxurious and openair, I was free to move about, the ruling power judged my worth on a weekly basis, and I was constantly reminded how lucky I was to be there.
One night, after a particularly rough meeting with my dean (I just don't understand why you've been so angry throughout all of this. You have no reason to be angry about anything.), I was curled up on my floor—I wasn't thinking, I didn't feel anything.
I went over to the mirror on the back of my door and stared. What had happened to the girl who had come off of the Ward so empowered and strong; the girl who decided to no longer be silent and feel shamed? Where had she gone?
I went over to my desk and picked up a brochure I had been given about a survivor center at UMass Amherst. I gave an exaggerated sigh. Might as well…I called the number and made an appointment for the next day.
I went back to the mirror and stared at myself again.
For the next 15 minutes I repeated: "Silence has the rusty taste of shame."
I walked over to my computer, typed up an email, hesitated for a second, and then pressed send.
I had just sent my entire sports team an email-rant about my rape and subsequent breakdown at the end of spring.
It was about time people began to realize that Amherst wasn't just majestic dorms and world-class professors.
It was about time I resumed the silent pact that I had made to my roommate on the Ward.
I will not be quiet.
The next few weeks were a blur of unending days spent resolutely working to feel better (A friend told me: You can't help other people if you feel like shit).
I was able to sleep again. I ate more. I went to free therapy sessions. I wrote and mindlessly colored in order to ground myself. I obsessively made lists of all the things imaginable. I joined a survivor group. I cried less and smiled a bit more.
I started healing.
It took a month of hard work until I was noticeably doing better. My friends, my therapist, my coworkers, and my fellow survivor group members all started commenting on how much healthier and happier I looked. I still felt uncomfortable and oppressed while surrounded by men on campus, but I was no longer afraid to leave my room after 7 p.m. I was determined to love Amherst again.
Life was tolerable.
Early July and I had another meeting with my dean: You look like you're doing better today. Well done, I'm so glad to see this kind of improvement! I think it's safe to assume that you can come back next semester, and in that regard I think that it's time that we talk about your time at Amherst over the next two years…I know you want to do African Studies through the Five Colleges, but I don't think I can support that decision. Africa is very traumatizing and I think that studying Africa is just a way for you to relive your real-life traumas; it's just not a good place to be studying.
Over the next thirty minutes several more restrictions were laid out: no Five College classes this upcoming year, no study abroad in the spring, definitely no senior year thesis, I would have to meet with a counselor twice a week, and friends off campus would have to be pushed to the wayside. She told me: Amherst is the only place that matters, and, really, you don't have a family, so where else would you go? Amherst is the only place that you can be.
At the end of our conversation I grunted out a vapid response and headed straight to my room. I sat on my bed, million-mile-gazed at the wall, and thought.
What was the point of staying at Amherst? I had been stuck on campus for eleven months straight; each day had been more challenging and emotionally draining than the previous one. I had been feeling better recently, but each time I met with my dean I felt more emotionally distraught than I had beforehand. Her comments reminded me that in the Administration's eyes I was the most base individual: a poor and parentless humanities major who was the school's token-Deep-Southerner. I was sullied, blameworthy, and possibly insane.
I made a Pros and Cons of Amherst List.
The Pro List had seven items.
The Con List had twenty-three items.
On July 14th I made one of the hardest decisions of my life.
I was going to withdraw from Amherst.
That next week I threw myself into finding a way out. Plans were made, plans were broken, Plan B was made, and finally Plan B was successful!
I did not tell the Administration for fear that they would somehow sabotage me. It was probably paranoid, but after being prevented from leaving campus multiple times I was not going to take any chances. The conversation went similarly to this:
"I'm withdrawing from Amherst."
That was my greeting to my dean when I met with her in late July.
The look of complete shock on her face was priceless. When she recovered: So you're taking a semester off? That's perfectly ok, many survivors do, I think it's best that you do what you…
No, I'm withdrawing, permanently. I ain't planning on ever coming back. I'm going to transfer to another school after taking a semester off to travel around.
You can't…You…Nobody withdraws. Where are you going to go? You don't have parents. What are you going to do?
I'm working on a Dude Ranch in Wyoming.
…I didn't think you'd be able to figure out a plan…Well, we technically won't withdraw you from the school until three years have passed. After three years we'll double-check to make sure that you really want to withdraw and then we'll remove you from our current-students system.
No, I just want you to withdraw me. I don't want to come back, I don't want to be affiliated with your school anymore. I'm sick of this place.
I think you need to meet with our sexual assault counselor again, you're way too angry right now and not thinking clearly. I have a feeling you'll change your mind and come back. Amherst is one of the best schools out there, it will be a transfer down unless you go to an Ivy…
You know, I have I feeling that I won't want to come back, but that's just a hunch.
As my dean suggested, I met with our sexual assault counselor a few days later. The meeting was uncharacterizeable by one word, but bizarre might be the closest description: This is a bad idea, you're not thinking straight.
I didn't understand this. I'd been thinking about this for quite a while; I was unhappy at Amherst and I didn't understand why I should stay at a place where I was absolutely miserable. There are other places in the world.
The next two hours was a hodgepodge of topics: Your lack of parental support makes you emotionally volatile and prevents you from following through with decisions that you make.
Apparently I had decided not to study abroad. Then there was bizarre 'concern:'You don't look very healthy. Have you been eating? I think you might have an eating disorder. You know there's a great clinic in Northhampton where we can send you for in-patient eating disorder treatment.
I don't have an eating disorder; I used to have one, I know what they're like. I don't eat a lot because I can't afford to buy food.
Then the ranch came up: Do you realize how difficult working on a Dude Ranch will be? The people in Wyoming are different from the people at Amherst, they won't be well-educated, and they won't understand you. You're going to a backwards place. Do you realize how bad it will be?
Yes, because the rest of the US is filled with ignorant savages who haven't been saved by the light of Amherst. How would I ever survive?
To the counselor's great surprise, these stellar arguments did not convince me to stay at Amherst. I became even more resolute about my decision to leave, and decided to talk with the Victim Rights Law Center, a pro-bono law firm based in Boston that my survivor group had recommended to me several weeks earlier. My preliminary intake with the VRLC was quite eye-opening: Oh Amherst? Yeah, unfortunately I know Amherst all too well. I've been down there many times to deal with the administration and their constant mistreatment of survivors. Our law firm keeps trying to force them to change but they just don't seem to understand, they keep doing the same old thing.
Amherst has almost 1800 students; last year alone there were a minimum of 10 sexual assaults on campus. In the past 15 years there have been multiple serial rapists, men who raped more than five girls, according to the sexual assault counselor. Rapists are given less punishment than students caught stealing. Survivors are often forced to take time off, while rapists are allowed to stay on campus. If a rapist is about to graduate, their punishment is often that they receive their diploma two years late.
I eventually reported my rapist.
He graduated with honors.
I will not graduate from Amherst.
The stories and statistics are miles long in regards to sexual assault on campus. My story is far from unique, and, compared to some of the stories I have heard, is tame.
The more that I learn about Amherst's policy toward sexual assault and survivors in general, the more relief I feel in deciding to transfer. How could I stay at a school who had made my healing process not just difficult, but impossible? How could I stand knowing that the Administration promotes silence? How could I spend the next two years made to feel dirty and at fault?
I could not.
At one point I hated Amherst with an indescribable amount of fury, but I do not hate the school anymore. Amherst took a lot from me, but they gave me some of the greatest gifts imaginable: self-confidence, my closest friends, intellectual curiosity, and endless personal strength. For these things I am forever grateful. For everything else, I stand back and behold the college with a feeling of melancholia.
The fact that such a prestigious institution could have such a noxious interior fills me with intense remorse mixed with sour distaste. I am sickened by the Administration's attempts to cover up survivors' stories, cook their books to discount rapes, pretend that withdrawals never occur, quell attempts at change, and sweep sexual assaults under a rug. When politicians cover up affairs or scandals the masses often rise up in angry protestations and call for a more transparent government. What is the difference between a government and the Amherst College campus? Why can't we know what is really happening on campus? Why should we be quiet about sexual assault?
"Silence has the rusty taste of shame."
There is no reason shame should be a school's policy.
UPDATE: President Carolyn "Biddy" Martin has released a statement concerning this article and the follow-up steps being taken by the administration regarding sexual assault: https://www.amherst.edu/campuslife/letters_president/node/436469
One interesting part of this story is that nobody told this woman about her rights under Title IX. A rape victim has a right to be advised of her rights under Title IX, and Amherst was obligated to give her a "prompt, equitable and effective" response. Amherst did none of it.
Here's a link to an important article describing victims' rights. www.nesl.edu/userfiles/file/lawreview/vol40/4/Murphy.pdf The lawyer who wrote this article was the first lawyer in the country to use Title IX against a school to challenge their sexual assault policies. www.theasca.org/wendy-murphy/ Her case forced Harvard to change its procedures. She just filed suit against Yale last week for violating Title IX and successfully filed actions with the Department of Education's Office For Civil Rights against Harvard, Princeton and U.Va., among others. In fact, Harvard Law School and Princeton are currently under investigation by the Department of Education for violating women's rights under Title IX. In the Harvard Law case, people purporting to be experts in Title IX are responsible for causing the violations that caused the school to be investigated. http://womensenews.org/story/law/110128/obama-may-take-big-step-against-... This victim sought legal advice from a Victims' Rights Law Center in Boston that apparently did not tell this woman that she had many legal options that would have enabled her to hold the perpetrator and the school accountable, and would have allowed her to be heard and respected.
Too many schools send victims to "counseling" which is code for "silencing" victims and persuading them that if they stay quiet they will heal - and if they speak out, they will suffer. The opposite is true. Victims fare much better when they are respected and believed - and when campuses support women's right to safety and equality. Title IX is a CIVIL RIGHTS law - just like Title IV which guarantees equality in education to other "types" of students based on things like race and ethnicity. Title IX forbids discrimination "based on sex", the most severe expression of which is sexual assault and dating/domestic abuse. Women NEED TO KNOW that when violence happens to them, they have a constitutionally protected right to assert their interests under Title IX and to demand a "prompt, effective and equitable" response from school officials.
Elite schools are especially problematic and often side with perpetrators to avoid scandal and create the false sense that "rape doesn't happen" at top tier universities. In fact, data suggests the problem of sexual assault is particularly serious at schools where offenders are entitled - either because of wealth, family connections, politics or athletic prowess. This victim was mistreated first by her attacker, then school officials, then the legal "experts" -- each of which failed to tell her that she had enforceable rights. Had they done so, she might have suffered far less at every turn. Please share with students everywhere the information they need to protect their bodies and their rights. Schools try very hard NOT to tell students about Title IX and instead - try to handle sexual assault as if it's the same kind of offense as stealing a notebook. In fact, it is a crime, and a hate crime at that - and should be treated as such. Our culture has intentionally misframed Title IX to be understood as a sports equity rule. Most people think of Title IX as a law that only allows women to equal distribution of sports resources. Imagine how people would have responded if targeted violence against people "based on ethnicity" were handled by school officials offering to interpret a civil rights law intended to prevent such hate crimes by giving them their own basketball team! Women have to rise UP - and start calling rape and dating violence what it is: A CIVIL RIGHTS CRIME - NOT BAD SEX. No matter how hard school officials try to persuade women that rape is just a misunderstanding, women need to refuse the label and NAME IT AND FRAME IT as an act of VIOLENT DISCRIMINATION and a violation of women's CIVIL RIGHTS as guaranteed to them by "Title IX of the Civil Rights Act."
I am not a student at Amherst, but I was sexually assaulted at another undergraduate institution and never reported it for a number of reasons. Thank you for having the bravery to speak out about not only the assault itself but also the subsequent treatment you received from your school. Too many of us allow the victim-blamers to succeed in silencing us, in telling us that if only we had called for help it never would have happened. We need more people like you to have the strength to call out the double standards in our society. It is unacceptable that rapists are defended and even celebrated while survivors are questioned, put down, and institutionalized. Stay strong; you are an incredibly inspiring young woman.
WHA??!! This comment is so bass-ackward and presumptious, it leaves my mouth agape. I hope that AC will make some HUGE strides in educating men on campus about responsible, respectful sexuality vs. rape, and empower women to feel safe about reporting incidents, as they (and we) must now be disturbed and terrified by this brave woman's story, and the appalling way she was dealt with.
Her name is Angie. "The victim" you all keep yelling about, keep blaming, keep insisting could have done *something* to stop a fellow student from overpowering her. She has a name. Angie. Try using it. It gets a little tougher to victim-blame and shame when you have to say, "Maybe Angie just did not mention that she didn't want to have sex" and other ridiculous assertions.
As a student and sexual assault options counselor, I would like to thank you for your courage and strength in being able to share your story. I'm so sorry for what happened to you and even though I will never meet you, you are one of the strongest people I know. At SUNY Geneseo we are working to shine light on the issue of sexual assault; educate students, faculty, and staff on what sexual assault really is; and to let survivors know that they have a strong support network behind them at every turn. You are a wonderful person and I wish you the best.
This rapist really deserves worse. It would have been great if his name was on the article for everyone to see.. As well as these pathetic deans who basically recreated a torture assylum.
I was planning to apply to Amherst for regular decision after hearing it was a fine institution. But honestly, I do not care for such "great" academics, if EACH and EVERY student is not valued, cared for, paid attention to, and PROTECTED. You can't ignore these problems--to whatever administrator may be reading this--Amherst's problems are the weakest link, not its strengths.
As usual, school administration is full of sociopaths who hide from real life in their over-sized elementary school, where they are the masters. Never having to report to someone of actual authority.
I only wonder how many rapes go unreported. I suspect, many, if not most, rapes are unreported simply because it might be embarassing for the girl.
I hope all those school officials are FIRED and never allowed to work around young people again.
As much as I agree with your "fire those school officials" comment, I still need to point out that they are just human beings that are SHAPED to conform and promote those policies. Perhaps, they did not think this way before... But overall, you're absolutely right. They should have addressed the problem of another human being.
It's also interesting the comments she made about how the administration views the "outside world". We always suspected these stuck-up private college staff felt like they were "better" than everybody else. This just confirms it. Sounds to me like the entire staff at that school suffers from a mental disorder. Somebody should put them in front of a TV camera and ask them hard questions about the state of the world and see if they even have ANY clue as to what is REALLY taking place. Or if they just feed their delusional little bubble with whatever fantasy they can come up with.
I bet all those idiots care about when they get home is their cars.
"Sounds to me like the entire staff at that school suffers from a mental disorder." Maybe that's because we've only heard one perspective on what happened, and the reality isn't so clear cut. I'm not sure how everyone here has such a strong opinion on the facts of this case without waiting for the college's response and an investigation. This sounds like a horrible set of circumstances, but I'm not picking up a pitchfork until I know the whole story.
"Sounds to me like the entire staff at that school suffers from a mental disorder." Maybe that's because we've only heard one perspective on what happened, and the reality isn't so clear cut. I'm not sure how everyone here has such a strong opinion on the facts of this case without waiting for the college's response and an investigation. This sounds like a horrible set of circumstances, but I'm not picking up a pitchfork until I know the whole story.
Thank you so much for speaking out, Angie. I am a fellow survivor of rape and this seems to be a trend at small schools in New England, not only in colleges but at boarding schools as well. My school's health center's response when I sought help (as a minor) was to put me on psychiatric watch for a week and then place me on mandatory health leave for the rest of year on the promise that I could return when I "got better." But despite my obtaining independent psychiatric reports stating my health by the end of the semester, the sheer bureaucracy obstructing my return was so frustrating that I eventually felt I had no other choice but to withdraw. Since then, I have never spoken about what happened. What I took away from the experience was that honesty is the worst policy when it comes to school health services, and like in the criminal justice system, anything I say may be used against me, especially if it protects the school from liability. I can no longer stand the rusty taste of shame that lingers five years later, and I will not suppress my anger anymore having read your article. It is painfully clear that the services provided by "world-class" institutions to those who have experienced trauma and are brave enough to seek help are woefully inadequate, often create more harm than good, and cannot continue to exist the way they do. It is far too easy for administrations to force students into drastic, mandatory and often external treatment regimes "for their own good" that are completely insensitive to their unique circumstances in order to lessen liability for themselves. This is especially problematic for students without parents nearby or an immediate place to go to take time off - my home is halfway across the world and I completely sympathize with your feelings of helplessness, rejection, prejudice and alienation due to this misguided approach. The patronizing "follow up" systems in place also make it for all practical purposes impossible for survivors to put the past behind them. Thank you so much for being courageous, for embracing your horrible ordeal and creating good from it. Your story is heartbreaking and inspiring and makes me want to take action as well. Don't let the bastards grind you down, Angie. We can make a change!
Dear Angie - thank you so much for sharing your story, which I very much hope will continue to instigate change in the Amherst administration and in the student body and the wider public's awareness of this important issue. Having myself been the victim of sexual abuse in another setting, I think I have some understanding of how difficult it must have been and continues to be for you to live with the experience and to speak up about it. Needless to say, I admire and respect the very brave steps you have taken and your incredible resilience in horrible circumstances, despite the lack of support, indeed extreme adversity you have experienced from almost all sides. I can't thank you enough for speaking up, and I hope and feel confident that you'll be able to find your way and succeed tremendously in the world, away from Amherst. It really sounds like you have very much to offer, and I hope you won't forget it, or let it go to waste.
As an alumnus from UMass across town, I'm sickened to hear that such a rape culture survives so close to where I called home for 5 years. UMass had rapes while I was there, but the offenders were prosecuted and mostly convicted. At one point there were a series of rapes that shocked campus. It caused such an outrage that the rapes stopped months before the rapist was caught. Why? Because it was too dangerous for the rapist to continue. You see, the men of campus had coalesced and made it clear in the Daily Collegian and social media that should the rapist be caught in the act again, the consequences would be... dire. If it had happened at Amherst, apparently the men of campus would never have known in the first place. I was accepted to an Ivy, and I chose UMass. I could have applied to and been accepted to Amherst. Now I thank god that I chose not to.
I have no doubt that she was raped, as she is not an idiot and knows that she was forced to have sex against her will. That said, stop being so naïve in your own behaviour. This did not happen behind some bushes it happened in someone's dorm room. You have to protect yourself. You wouldn't walk down a dark alley, so why would you let a man in your room, or go to a man's room, alone? Don't think these are the same thing? There are certainly more rapes that happen in dorm rooms than in alleys. Don't let him in your room alone and don't go to his room alone. That's true rape prevention. If the objective is to study, then pick a neutral space like the library. If it's to talk, pick another neutral space that's not closed off or isolated from others. Don't put yourself in danger and don't be so naïve to believe you are not in danger.
...that Amherst stands as a pinnacle in the education community and is willing to sacrifice it's female students on its altar of "Stellar Reputation" rather than deal with the criminal behavior of some of its male students. The mind twisting that was delivered to this young woman to keep her from speaking out was immoral and unconscionable! That it was so deliberate and went on for so long by those in power and authority is also criminal, and THEY (the dean, the counselors and any other professional who had a part in it) should be brought up on charges!!!
Good luck, Angie. May you continue to heal and become empowered! AND may you find a law firm with the reputation, courage and conviction to sue the pants off this "reknowned" school for the physical and emotional abuse and damage it knowingly inflicted upon you!
Your comment is also inappropriate. Primarily, the reader you responded to neither blamed the victim for getting raped, nor exonerated the rapist. That comment merely addressed the side of the issue that deals with what women can do to avoid getting raped. The reader also only stated their opinion on the current methods that are taught to women as means of defense. The reader could have, for example, added something about how men should work to avoid raping someone, but they didn't write that for their own reasons. Frankly, it is unfair of you to attack an opinion that was not focused on the victim's story itself, but rather on the topic of rape, on the basis of the victim's experience.
The only sentence the reader wrote that could possible be seen as removing the blame from the rapist is when they stated, "especially if your rapist is unaware he is raping you". But this is a fact, not a vindication. Countless rapists are either drunk, high, etc., when they commit the crime and therefore may not know what they are doing or did. I am certainly not justifying the act of rape; unfortunately, such an inhumane assault has no justification. And of course I completely agree with you that men should be educated in order to prevent rape, even more than women on the matter, but that was not the point of the article or the comment that you criticized.
The reader also did not blame the victim for what happened to her. They only gave advice and sympathy to the victim and potential future victims by affirming facts through their personal opinions. They wrote, "no one should have to go through something like this", and "speaking up about rape is not easy/thank you for doing so". At least to me, that tone does not sound accusatory in the slightest. Besides, the commenter added at the end, "this", meaning their entire say on the subject, "can only be an ASSUMPTION". In your comment, you stated that the reader "[was] not there, [they did] not know what actually happened. The reader, at no point in their comment, claims that they were there or that they have the slightest clue what that sort of ordeal is like. So it does not make sense for you to write that caustic response when the reader only gave useful, and maybe even life-saving advice to future rape victims.
Responding with outrage to comments like the one in question, that at first sound doubtful, and even accusing, is understandable. However, I recommend that you look more closely at the reader's intentions and the true meaning in what they wrote. Also, it might have been helpful to, in your comment, explain how the way the reader supposedly "blames" the victim is the opposite of many points in the article. Your opinion would have therefore been more clear to those of us who disagree with you. I personally think that the way the reader supposedly "blamed" the victim was not the opposite of points in the article. Among those points:
-the school's failure to help her when she needed support
-how they failed to do this
-the school's attempt to cover up the incident and how this hurts her
-her shifting existences in the healing process
-why she was unstable during that process
These are only a few of the main points of the article, and the criticized comment did not refute any of these, nor any others. It is fair to say that the comment was beside the specific content and meaning of the article, but it was certainly not a random attack on the victim nor a defense of the rapist, which would have been on the other side of the spectrum from where the article would place. A clue: this is where the phrase, 'you jumped the gun' comes into play.
Furthermore, as comments on articles should, this is a statement of opinion by an individual who is discussing another side of the issue. The side the comment addressed was also quite appropriate and even expected once the reader revealed that they are/were a member of the "sexual assault prevention organization". And, being a current or past member of this organization, it is safe to assume that the reader would know at least a bit about this topic.
It is clear, from my quoting the comment several times, as well as from the entire comment, that it says everything it was meant to say. I am simply making the evidence of the comment's statements distinct, as it surely were already to anyone who looked at the comment close enough.
To the author: I can only echo your uncounted supporters when I say that you are an amazingly strong and admirable woman. I know for a fact that tragically many rape victims commit suicide because of their suffering. May they rest in peace, respected for their lives and memories.
But you, being a survivor, are especially powerful, intelligent, and extraordinary. Keep spreading knowledge and hope. Thank you and God bless you.
if you're a male rapist, or simply someone who might not fully understand what it is to be a woman in a society which allows rapists to get the benefit of the doubt over their victims, imagine that you are a man with a penis in a female-dominated world. Your penis is just a part of your body, but for some reason, your society puts a lot of emphasis on the fact that you have this penis. If you dress up, women wolf-whistle at you on the street--that includes even the women you are far from attracted to... Let's say that you go to a party because you work a lot and you just want to have a night out with your friends to have fun for a change. You meet a woman at the party who is taller, perhaps a body-builder. Sh starts hitting on you but you're really not interested. You're a little drunk now too, so you have trouble getting away from her because she keeps following you, and eventually, you go into a room to find it empty. This woman has herded you into an empty bedroom. You turn around to find her shutting the door. You scream for help but she quickly puts a hand over your mouth to quiet you. She begins castrating you with a sharp object excruciatingly slowly. You are in so much pain and so afraid that you cannot think because all you know is that she has you pushed against the bed so you can barely breathe through the comforter and all you can do is cry and scream and fight--all with little to no effect. For what you assume is over an hour, this large being has you trapped and does whatever she wants to you, no matter how painful or disgusting or humiliating. Outside, your friends cheer her on, and you just cry and cry and cry. She gets off of you for a moment and pulls the object away from your body, and your penis sits there, bloody but not yet removed. You're bleeding a little, which shocks you because of how much pain you are in. The rest of your body is aching and sore and you don't know how much time has passed for certain but it feels like it has been days. You do not know if you will live through this. You are scared and you vomit and cry but nothing stops her attack. You try to pull away from her but she is so much stronger that it shocks you as though you've been punched in the gut. You've never felt this powerless in your whole life.
Then you realize that your penis is still intact, but it's bleeding and bleeding and bleeding. The woman gets up and leaves, but not before patting you on the back and telling you what a good time she's had mutilating you. Then she gets up and walks out. You start sobbing. You don't want anyone to think you're a wuss or any less of a man, so you don't tell anyone. You also feel shame like you deserved this, even though you know it was far from your fault that this giant woman attacked you. But it makes you stay silent about it for months. You try to move on. But then one day, you tell a friend. The friend urges you to tell a counsellor. You tell a counsellor and they tell you that no, you can't press charges against the woman because she didn't actually REMOVE your penis and are you sure that it wasn't consensual? You stop going to parties. You stop hanging out with friends. You're also terrified of all women--especially tall, muscular women. You eventually join a support group for other males who are victims of attempted castrations and you share your story. You share your words on the internet and in other support groups, and maybe on the news too. You don't know the identity of your castrationist so you can't report her but you see her and hear her in your sleep. You have nightmares constantly. Finally, one day, you snap and consider killing yourself because the fear has made it so difficult for you to leave your home, go to work, or live life daily at all.
That is something like how it feels to be a victim in a society that does not punish rape to the fullest extent of the law, and in some cases, even offhandedly rewards it.
Thank you for speaking up for yourself and for the countless young women in college campuses across the country that have suffered similarly. All of you are brave souls for getting through the horrors that you have been put through. Bringing this issue to light required unimaginable strength and resilience on your part. It had to be done. It is a fight that has needed to be fought. I went to Amherst almost 20 years ago. A close friend of mine was raped with no consequences for her rapist and with a hush-hush attitude about the incident. This has been going on for a loooong time. Not just at Amherst, but on many campuses. Your voice will only empower more voices ...
One way we could reduce rape is whenever someone rapes, we name the rapist. In public. For public safety. And also to shame the rapist. Let others know that the person is a rapist. Don't use a nickname. Use their name that they use to apply for jobs, do business, go to school, etc. Post their full name and last known address. Let others know where they work or go to school.
Why are rapists so often allowed to remain anonymous?
Colleges need to get out of the business of pretending to be a court. All young woman entering college need to be told that if they are sexually assaulted they should immediately go to the local police. If you were raped in Wal-Mart, would you report it first to a Wal-Mart councilor and go to corporate headquarters for help? Of course not! You were assaulted. A crime was committed. GO TO THE POLICE! And I don't mean the campus cops. I mean the real local police. Do not subject yourself to the campus "kangaroo courts" that are run by people who have no idea what they are doing. And if you are a male college student, given the nature of these kangaroo courts on campus, the only sound advice is DO NOT HAVE SEX EVER WITH OTHER STUDENTS ON CAMPUS. The stakes are too high. College administrations are a mess. They work to protect the institution at all costs. And if that means throwing a rape victim or somebody falsely accused under the bus, they will do it, with no remorse.
Who is the rapist? Please name him.
He is an alleged rapist. Accused, not convicted. Put him on trial, then render judgment, not the other way around.
Thank you for taking the time and energy to write this piece. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been, and both the Amherst community, and everybody outside of it is fortunate to have the opportunity and privilege to learn from your trying and unforgivable experience. You are truly inspirational, and I wish you all the best in this life.
With GREAT gratitude,
From this day onward, Amherst College and all colleges and universitues, should make clear that any student who commits rape will be expelled. If convicted post graduation, any degree awarded will be withdrawn or if legally unable to do this, will instead be considered and reported as "a degree conferred with dishonorable discharge due to conviction of rape." Amherst is unfortunately not alone in handling rape poorly; this is a broad cultural issue. Amherst should require all first semester students to study rape, it's impact and the College's response to it as a unit of it's required freshmen seminar--regardless of
You are a courageous and incredibly brave woman and deserve all the support and encouragement that can be given to tell of your experience to help others in the future. Hopefully you will gain closure and some level of healing from this horrific experience and serve as a catalyst for change in the attitudes of those "less than enlightened people" so that other victims will not have to suffer the degradation that you experienced. As a father and grandfather I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart!
You are a courageous and incredibly brave woman and deserve all the support and encouragement that can be given to tell of your experience to help others in the future. Hopefully you will gain closure and some level of healing from this horrific experience and serve as a catalyst for change in the attitudes of those "less than enlightened people" so that other victims will not have to suffer the degradation that you experienced. As a father and grandfather I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Dear Angie,
Thank you so much for having the courage to speak out, not only about your assault but also about the treatment you received from the College -- especially its assertion of control over your body without (or so it appears from your article) assignment of medical or other power of attorney to the college.
As an alumna from the 80s, I am sad to say that I am surprised neither by what happened to you nor by how Amherst addressed it. You demonstrate your brilliance in leaving -- the world beyond Amherst is so much more than Amherst could ever be.
I am glad you shared your story and that the response has been overwhelmingly supportive. I am also deeply disappointed by how the administration at Amherst responded throughout your ordeal and angry that a fellow student who, in my opinion, is a criminal by virtue of being a rapist is proceeding with his life without appropriate consequences for his abhorrent behavior. Only you and he know the truth of what happened. If he has any character or integrity and is guilty, he will come forth and accept responsibility for his actions. Regardless, I admire you for struggling through the endless maze of administrative ineptitude and personal hell to finally reach a place where you can start healing. As a female graduate of Amherst from the class of '88, thank you for having the courage to be honest and for having the sense to leave a place that was preventing you from healing. I wish you all the best.
Rape does not just occur between strangers. When I was a Resident Assistant at my college, I received a phone call late one night from a girl who lived in my dorm. She was sobbing and begging me to come get her. I did. She was naked, bruised, and hysterical. I immediately took her to the hospital. Her story, it turns out, was that she had met three guys she had gone to high school with and had been close friends with. They invited her to come see their new apartment. Would you have hesitated? I wouldn't have! Neither did she. Once there, they locked the doors, ripped off her clothes, and each took a turn raping her. When she protested and tried to fight, she was beaten. One commented that he had wanted to "do this" for years. To make a long story short, the University refused to do anything because the "event" happened off-campus and the local police were hesitant to do anything because she was a student. What the author has gone through is unexcusable and unforgivable. Amhurst's administration should be replaced. For the young lady who wrote this article, I am not only proud of her, I pray for her to continue growing in her strength, resolve, and confidence.
I graduated from Amherst in 1974, when the school was still all-male. One of the reasons that many of us fought for Amherst to go co-ed was the unhealthy, predatory, misogynist culture of the all-male frat-boy world of many on campus. I don't know if it is still in the Amherst Student archives, but an article entitled "Sleazing" published in perhaps 1973 or thereabouts accurately captures this culture which apparently has not died. I detested the fraternities and their mixers when I was a student, and was victimized by their shenanigans surrounding the annual room draw in which seniors from the frats would scoop up the best non-frat rooms and give them the the pledges the following year, while those of us who had nothing to do with the frats usually got the dregs left-over. Being raped or sexually abused is incomparably worse than getting a bad room, but this sort of thought-process was alive and well and fostered in the frats, and so it does not surprise me in the least that a frat would make such an offensive t-shirt and think nothing of it and wonder why people might be upset. There were many sexual assaults and rapes at the frat mixers, but society was different then, and taking advantage of a woman who had too much to drink was deemed the woman's fault. Besides, who in their right mind would go to a frat mixer, drink a lot, and not expect to be hard-pressed for sex by a boyfriend or some person at the frat? And so the woman shared much of the blame in some people's logic back then At least we now know that this is nothing more than a rationalization of a crime. I am truly sorry to see that the frat influence is still present in all its negativity at Amherst, even if the houses are no longer on campus or officially part of the school. It is also not just the frats; I suspect that much of the problem relates to the culture and climate of freedom that characterizes Amherst. None of us want Amherst or our college years to be a police state; we want to experiment with new things, new ideas, and have the freedom to do so. But in a free environment, there is also the risk that bad people can perpetrate bad things, and the openness may make it more likely to occur.
Rape is a horrible crime and a traumatic experience. Those who rape should be subject to suitable punishment, and the victim should be supported, not shamed, ostracized or treated as a pariah. I hope that the committees and commissions and outside experts that Amherst is bringing in to clean up this situation finally succeeds, but in the end, it is really up to each one of us to act with respect towards one another. No commission or code of conduct can fix an uncaring human heart.
Thank you for sharing your story.
The world is just like that sometimes, I feel that the fact mental institution exist is a shame. If we praise the value that all men are equal, just because we can't truly understand people who are not "normal" doesn't mean we can control them. Reading your article almost feel like watching shutter island.
I once had a doctor tell me I have depression lol, and now it's not even uncommon for students to have that, and the way we deal with problem like these are not actually competent at all. We treat the symptoms and make people seem "normal" again, the way people deal with problem like these disgust me.
For better or worse what happen happens, and there are two side to look at things, pain makes up understand way better.
I don't know who you are but I really want to hug you and say it's okay and thank you. I think I understand what you are saying.
All the best,
don't feed the "just say no" troll.
This story is heartbreaking example of victim blaming, gaslighting and generalized mistrust of women, young women, poor women, southern women, to have authentic feelings and report their experiences reliably.
Angie, thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm glad that you've empowered yourself to rise above this horrible trauma, and I hope that someday, I'll be able to do the same. Five and a half years ago, I was your typical freshman at Ithaca College. One weekend, I went to a party at a friend of my ex-boyfriends place one night (he was not there), and I had gotten "roofied" by another student. I have no clear recollection of what happened that night, but I woke up the next morning on the living room couch in hickies & bruises. Whatever was slipped into my drink made me sick for three days. Long story short, I was a victim of sexual misconduct.
Instead of getting the real support I needed, my roommate ratted me out to our RA for getting too drunk (although I definitely didn't have more than 2 drinks that night). My RA then tried to tell me that I have a "problem" and that I should "re-evaluate all of my friendships, and instead befriend people who completely abstain from alcohol." While I had certainly let go of a few inhibitions once I left home, I didn't think that I was THAT far out of the norm of a typical college freshman, and I was certainly not an alcoholic. In fact, I've always liked to think I have A LOT more integrity, trust, and character than most of my female peers. What makes the story better: initially, my (ex-) boyfriend was fully supportive of me when this happened, and confronted the guy who took advantage of me. However, when my boyfriend broke up with me a couple months later, he not only called me a "cheap bitch," he also asked: "By the way, were you really taken advantage of by that guy, or did you actually just hook up with him?" SERIOUSLY?!?!? After that, I made a pact to myself that my next defined relationship must be the creme de la creme of relationships. After all I've been through, I absolutely REFUSE to deal with any one who would even want to consider being a jerk to me, and I will not settle for anything less than what I think I deserve (naturally, I think I only deserve the best, right?).
While I never pressed disciplinary action or charges against the guy who took advantage of me, I was (indirectly) successful in making sure this individual was defeated from winning a seat on Student Council the next year. I had told one friend my situation, and that friend made sure to (anonymously, of course) pass the message on to anybody who considered voting for him. I certainly felt a lot better.
Unexpectedly, animals (mainly dogs) have also come into my life and they've proven to be very therapeutic for my struggles. Each and every animal I've worked with has helped me feel that I'm still unconditionally loved by at least something, while many humans (including my family) may not understand why I am the way I am now. Animals may not fully understand my situation like a human would, but at least they understand how I feel, and they give me some much-needed gratification to function on a daily basis.
Despite a couple unexpected positive things to come out of the situation though, I hardly feel 100% recovered. I tried going to a group therapy class (for dealing with both sexual and non-sexual relationship struggles), and I tried talking to a few counselors, but I still feel like nobody cares to help me. Like you, I ended up dropping out of Ithaca College, and I moved to Colorado 2 years ago to try to give myself a fresh new start to my life. It's beautiful out here, but I haven't been able to make too many new friends, since going to the bars alone isn't my cup of tea (most of my friends here are already in relationships).
What really hurts me most is that I haven't been able to find another guy who actually LOVES me, CARES for me, and APPRECIATES who I am, despite my pros, cons, talents, and flaws. It may have been five and a half years ago, but I still feel tarnished, both because of the person who took advantage of me and my ex. Let me tell you, as a 24 year old female who hasn't been able to be in an actual defined relationship since 2007 (I was 18 when the situation happened), it REALLY hurts to still feel like nobody wants to give me any attention. I know it sounds pathetic, but because of what happened, and the way my ex ended our relationship, I feel like a new relationship will truly give me that much-needed and well-deserved gratification to really give me that 100% closure to "get myself out of this funk."
Angie, your article was so eloquently written; I don't think you could've done a better job writing your story. I hope Biddy Martin will fire your whacko Dean, and any other authority figure who tortured you. And to anybody trying to say anything negative about this courageous young woman, GFY you POSs!
Angie, thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm glad that you've empowered yourself to rise above this horrible trauma, and I hope that someday, I'll be able to do the same. Five and a half years ago, I was your typical freshman at Ithaca College. One weekend, I went to a party at a friend of my ex-boyfriends place one night (he was not there), and I had gotten "roofied" by another student. I have no clear recollection of what happened that night, but I woke up the next morning on the living room couch in hickies & bruises. Whatever was slipped into my drink made me sick for three days. Long story short, I was a victim of sexual misconduct.
Instead of getting the real support I needed, my roommate ratted me out to our RA for getting too drunk (although I definitely didn't have more than 2 drinks that night). My RA then tried to tell me that I have a "problem" and that I should "re-evaluate all of my friendships, and instead befriend people who completely abstain from alcohol." While I had certainly let go of a few inhibitions once I left home, I didn't think that I was THAT far out of the norm of a typical college freshman, and I was certainly not an alcoholic. In fact, I've always liked to think I have A LOT more integrity, trust, and character than most of my female peers. What makes the story better: initially, my (ex-) boyfriend was fully supportive of me when this happened, and confronted the guy who took advantage of me. However, when my boyfriend broke up with me a couple months later, he not only called me a "cheap bitch," he also asked: "By the way, were you really taken advantage of by that guy, or did you actually just hook up with him?" SERIOUSLY?!?!? After that, I made a pact to myself that my next defined relationship must be the creme de la creme of relationships. After all I've been through, I absolutely REFUSE to deal with any one who would even want to consider being a jerk to me, and I will not settle for anything less than what I think I deserve (naturally, I think I only deserve the best, right?).
While I never pressed disciplinary action or charges against the guy who took advantage of me, I was (indirectly) successful in making sure this individual was defeated from winning a seat on Student Council the next year. I had told one friend my situation, and that friend made sure to (anonymously, of course) pass the message on to anybody who considered voting for him. I certainly felt a lot better.
Unexpectedly, animals (mainly dogs) have also come into my life and they've proven to be very therapeutic for my struggles. Each and every animal I've worked with has helped me feel that I'm still unconditionally loved by at least something, while many humans (including my family) may not understand why I am the way I am now. Animals may not fully understand my situation like a human would, but at least they understand how I feel, and they give me some much-needed gratification to function on a daily basis.
Despite a couple unexpected positive things to come out of the situation though, I hardly feel 100% recovered. I tried going to a group therapy class (for dealing with both sexual and non-sexual relationship struggles), and I tried talking to a few counselors, but I still feel like nobody cares to help me. Like you, I ended up dropping out of Ithaca College, and I moved to Colorado 2 years ago to try to give myself a fresh new start to my life. It's beautiful out here, but I haven't been able to make too many new friends, since going to the bars alone isn't my cup of tea (most of my friends here are already in relationships).
What really hurts me most is that I haven't been able to find another guy who actually LOVES me, CARES for me, and APPRECIATES who I am, despite my pros, cons, talents, and flaws. It may have been five and a half years ago, but I still feel tarnished, both because of the person who took advantage of me and my ex. Let me tell you, as a 24 year old female who hasn't been able to be in an actual defined relationship since 2007 (I was 18 when the situation happened), it REALLY hurts to still feel like nobody wants to give me any attention. I know it sounds pathetic, but because of what happened, and the way my ex ended our relationship, I feel like a new relationship will truly give me that much-needed and well-deserved gratification to really give me that 100% closure to "get myself out of this funk."
Angie, your article was so eloquently written; I don't think you could've done a better job writing your story. I hope Biddy Martin will fire your wacko Dean, and any other authority figure who tortured you. And to anybody trying to say anything negative about this courageous young woman, GFY you POSs!
What you have done is brave and amazing. None of this was your fault, and as you say, you have no reason to feel ashamed. Amherst as an institution has a lot to answer for. I wish you all the best and hope you have a very happy future! You are truly an inspiration to women around the world. Thankyou!
Reading your story, I am filled with sadness on so many levels. That you should have to withstand such personal hardship and tragedy just as life is opening up to you is devastating. That this crime always seems to perpetuate the victim's status as one who has done wrong shocks me. That the administrative wheels of bureaucracy make no judgement but only follow policy has become pandemic in our country.
My first concern is not what others in their notes have said about what you should or should not have done, but simply are you OK? You are the one who needs support. You are the one needs a hand outstretched. You are the one who has to deal with this.
I have little understanding of rape as an act. Is it power? Frustration? The act of a misogynist? What leads one to violate another so fully and thoroughly?
Why would anyone suggest that you forgive and forget? Ridiculous. Forgetting that fire burns leads only to another burn. Learning to harness fire and understand its potential good is a different exercise. We have become a society of sweepers. We sweep unpleasantness and personal tragedy under a rug of mandatory forgiveness, silence and time. Phalanx after phalanx of presumptive guides tell us that is the thing to do. Others turn our tragedy into a public debate of blame.
Sadly, this will likely not be the only personal tragedy that you experience. Life is filled with them. Rich or poor. Educated or not. We all experience tragedy at one time or another. Nothing can prepare one for the experience. I sincerely hope that you're doing OK deep down, that you receive the support and kindness you need and that one day your wound will heal with as little a scar as possible. I hope that you will realize that this was the act of one man, not of mankind.
I think that you're very brave. I am saddened by Amherst's pathetic response in the months that followed, its hollow administrative mechanisms and its near complete lack of understanding of the crime and empathy for the victim.
This is a situation that's sadly typical in a lot of colleges, particularly those with really strong reputations, like Amherst. These schools are absolutely desperate to have low crime stats, so they are really unhelpful to sexual assault survivors. And even at schools with progressive reputations, you also have power structures that are really into victim-blaming. At my own small, prestigious undergrad institution, the chief of campus security infamously said that if a woman is in a man's dorm room and sits on his bed, she shouldn't be surprised if he tries to rape her. How is this even remotely okay? To the credit of my campus, students protested him and got an apology, but he stayed on as police chief in all my four years there.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the ability to act through it. Amazingly difficult, especially where fear is combined with shame and/or guilt... You're a very brave person.
To those saying "one must obtain verbal consent first before having sex" - sorry, but this is not necessary. I have had mutually enjoyable sex multiple times without either me or my partner saying a word to each other. Was this rape? There are other ways to consent besides saying "yes" (as mouthing the word "no" does not necessarily mean there's no consent; US litigation system will soon have us drawing contracts for this, m'afraid) but I agree that consent must indeed be given. And "not fighting it" does not mean "consenting to it" - which is probably the number one thing both men and women need to understand. The person not fighting it because he/she felt powerless, or drunk, or shocked did NOT consent.
Brilliantly written, enraging, and heart-breaking story. I applaud your courage in voicing your Truth Angie, especially given the shame-flames, constant dismissals, patronizations and disrespect thrown at you every step of the way of your horrific ordeal with the misogyny-saturated Amherst College.
I am outraged at how Amherst's counselors, campus police, Administration, and dean mistreated and failed you (and psychiatry too since at its inhumane core, it is an oppressive institution that does more harm and little to no good with its brain-damaging psych drugs and life-ruining electro-shock "therapy", but that's a separate story).
Not only did Amherst GROSSLY fail you over and over and over again, but where you say, "How could I stay at a school who had made my healing process not just difficult, but impossible?" -- absolutely, and not only that, but their consistently inadequate and unethical responses to you created a whole NEW trauma for you to contend with. I am especially concerned with the counselor's ignorance in responding to your case because that is the one space that should have been a soft, safe place to land, process, and repair and rebuild yourself, your life, and the school as best as possible (with support from all parties responsible and vested in student's well-being). The way your counselors mis-handled your case and the things s/he said to you is, unfortunately, pretty common and a carbon, micro copy of the macro colonist rape culture script. Side note: The only kind of psychology that seriously and adequately deals with violence against women is feminist therapy; most others fall short.
I hope you know you did nothing wrong in ANY of this and have nothing to be ashamed of! I'm very glad you got the hell out of Amherst Angie, and that you are so bravely sharing your story. Your words are likely empowering other women to step out of their silence to speak their Truths that so desperately need to be heard.
p.s. Have you ever considered being a counselor? Your personal experience, fortunately and unfortunately, makes you more of an expert on rape than someone with 20 PhD's and no personal experience. Who better knows how to treat a rape survivor than someone who's been there? Your nightmare with the counselors and psychiatry also gives you great insight into how NOT to treat rape survivors!
p.p.s. You've mentioned shame in your article a few times -- shame is a HUGE factor in male violence and its upholders. If interested, check out my blog post about Amy Herdy, where I talk about violence and shame in some depth: www.feministrag.wordpress.com
Much Peace & Power to you and your future endeavors.
I hear your words, imagine them, feel your sorrow-praise your bravery! Thank you. People don't understand how Universities sweep things like this under the carpet-I am currently suing my University for this-two years gone-as with my money-but I am trying! Thank you for sharing and being brave!
I am horrified by the pain you had to carry upon your shoulders for so long. It is even more frustrating to accept the thought that school's administration seem to strongly value their reputation and in the process, promote silence amongst victims/survivors. As everyone must have told you, I am incredibly proud of you in sharing such an experience. It gives so many people insight into a world where those who struggle need so push themselves under horrible circumstances to get a positive change... at least, that is how I see it. You have opened doors for me in terms of resources and hope. Thank you for staying strong and realizing your value of life and strength. Thank you for breaking the silence.
I am glad to hear you use your voice. Coming out of the silence brings healing not only to you but to all survivors of sexual assault. I support you and hope that you continue to heal, grow, and inspire others. You are not alone!
If you ever have a chance to participate in Vagina Monologues, it could help empower you by tying you to an international network of those fighting against injustice.
In Solidarity! From California
We at Smith cannot stop buzzing about your story. We are all in shock and stand with you. But this buzz will not make change. We are looking into further action to bring change to Amherst, Smith, and to continue to raise awareness.
Angie, you give me so much hope. Please keep sharing your story. The world is in need of it.
Angie, I am sick to my stomach that this has happened to you and that Amherst College served you so poorly in every way. I was part of the first class of women at Amherst and hoped that the tone of this college toward women would have improved since I arrived there in 1976. I thank you for your inner strength and bravery to share your experience, and I am deeply saddened that you had to live through that. Your article has brought me to tell you (and, well, the public, since this is a public forum) about an experience I had at Amherst that I have never discussed nor told anyone about, though it is nowhere near as horrifying as yours; even so, it has disturbed me to this very day. During my freshman year at Amherst, I went to the health center for a stomach ache. The campus physician (male) told me to strip and lie on a table to be examined. I lay on the table on my back in the health center, as he told me to do, naked, and he came over and patted me on the vagina a few times and told me how 'cute' I was. My sense of shame and embarrassment is still palpable as I sit writing this today. I remember, as if it happened yesterday, my sense of confusion about what was happening at the time, and I am nauseous as I write this. I hope and pray that your seeking counseling and reaching out with your strong voice, despite the horrible and inappropriate response to you from Amherst's counseling center and administration will eventually leave you more whole and at peace inside yourself than I have been about my incident with Amherst that happened so many years ago. And still you are braver than I am, as I am still so uncomfortable about what happened and still have such shame that I cannot put forth my name to this story. Amherst was not ready for coeducation when they accepted women as students. They still had urinals in the women's bathrooms, had no compunction about signs being on our dorms when we first arrived at Amherst that welcomed the men of our dorms, but not the women, to Amherst and invited them to parties at the women's colleges. We were met with hostility by many of the upperclass males at Amherst. I have never given to Amherst's alumni fund and never will. The distaste of my experience as a female at Amherst will never leave me. I would really like to give back in some way by helping to support you in your efforts to complete your education elsewhere. Please start a fund for yourself for this purpose and let us know how we can donate to your efforts.
I am fortunate that I never interacted much with my own school's administration or its counseling services, and I'm perplexed by the way that while attempting to "help" you, Amherst treated you like a child and consistently robbed you of your agency, issuing orders rather than asking how they could help. I understand that they had an interest in making sure you finished school and remained healthy, but surely they would not order around an adult of their own age the way they did you, a young but independent adult woman. What a toxic environment.
Rape is an unforgivable atrocity and it is very important that a survivor have the right to chose how to respond. (Eg., whether to prosecute or not). All rape survivors are entitled to compassionate physical and mental health treatment, supporting her through the initial stages of her healing.
I trust that the new Amherst President will thoroughly investigate in great detail what has occurred and make certain that under her leadership, the school will work diligently at creating a zero tolerance environment for sexual assault/abuse of any kind. I am anxious to hear the results and recommendations of her investigations. I also believe it is right that we give everyone involved a chance to be heard, the just and right thing to do, so that the school administration can learn where changes must be made and how it failed students such as Angie. I am not among those who believe that Amherst College has a policy to ignore or silence rape survivors so as not to tarnish its reputation. We need to remember that the individual who must be held accountable is the perpetrator of the rape. So lets support Amherst in improving its support structure so that survivors will not resist seeking help immediately from her peers and the health center and will feel thoroughly supported and understood should she chose to report her rape and press charges against her rapist.


text:
Why Do Newspapers Keep Publishing Bogus Piracy Numbers From Lobbyists As Fact?
from the why-newspapers-are-dying dept
The latest gullible reporter? Tony Wong of the Toronto Star, who has written an article that probably could have been written every year for the last decade about the awful threat of piracy to the satellite TV industry. What's amusing is that it really does look just like an article years ago, even quoting bogus 2001 "piracy" stats and then just saying "that number is likely far higher today." But the reporter does nothing to verify this at all. He then goes on to talk about how the satellite TV companies are "fighting back," with a "tough new encryption system." I remember reading nearly identical stories from a decade ago, about some great new encryption scheme that would wipe out satellite TV piracy. Yet here we are in 2009, rather than 1999, reading the exact same article. Isn't it the reporters' job to ask questions about both the bogus basis for the numbers and the fact that the industry has been trotting out the same "fighting back! stronger encryption!" story for over a decade? No wonder newspapers are collapsing.

subset: commoncrawl