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In those early days of recovery, I went to a lot of meetings. I wanted to get better. I went to AA, NA, as well as my S meetings. When I started going to NA and AA, my sponsor told me, "When you go to an AA meeting if you wad up a piece of paper and throw it, you have a one in four chance of hitting someone that belongs in our fellowship. If you go to an NA meeting, don't even bother wadding up the paper because no matter where you throw it, you will hit one of us."
We addicts have a habit of finding escape in new places when we stop using our drug of choice. For many of us in sex recovery, food becomes our new drug of choice. Most of us were already co-morbid work addicts and food provided a modicum of relief. If you are addicted to a substance, sex and food are your next logical stops on the addiction train. That is why in AA you hear about thirteen stepping, and in NA, despite old-timers best efforts, newbies can't seem to keep their hands off each other. Sex, done properly, releases pleasure hormones that rival the high of drugs and allow recovering addicts moments of escape from the pain they can't face.
I liked NA better, because, at that time, I could quite easily introduce myself as an addict at an NA meeting, but didn't know how to present myself at an AA meeting. I wasn't an alcoholic. This may seem like a small detail, but it isn't. Many old timers at AA meetings will call addicts on the carpet as AA solely exists for people who struggle with alcohol. I did not want to offend, and I did not want to lie. I didn't know what to say. We go to meetings to find acceptance and support and when I went to a meeting and didn't feel wanted or like I belonged it felt counterproductive.
I ended up going to NA's Late Night recovery because I worked swing shift and it fit into that life. Also, it met every day and was within walking distance of my house. Going to a new fellowship meant that I needed to navigate a whole new set of relationships. Given the sexually predatory nature of an NA meeting, they were not the safest place for me and did cause me to slip in my recovery later on. Now they are the last resort that I only attend if absolutely necessary.
With those relational realities. I needed relational stability. My S fellowship provided that for me. A small group of us began a friendship unlike any other. Those relationships started at the lunchtime meetings that we all frequented. After the meeting, we'd grab coffee or lunch together, talk and laugh. Though we don't see each other nearly as often, those guys are my best friends. They know me in ways that no one else does. They know my horror. They know my fear. They know my worst secrets. During those formative years, they knew absolutely everything. They were my "Shame-busters." If I was ashamed of anything, I talked to them about it, making sure that I looked as bad as possible. Typically, they'd laugh at me unless they knew it would hurt. When they laughed, their purpose was for me to join in the laughter. The laughter and the light murdered the shame.
Perhaps we loved each other because our shame was so deep, so inescapable, we knew that only this small group of men understood — no, it was more than that. They experienced shame with us they tasted it with us and carried it with us. And shame shared stops being shame.
Others in the larger fellowship began to refer to us as the Rat Pack. That pack of men is one of the greatest gifts God ever gave me. It wasn't an exclusive group. Perhaps there were four of us at the center of it all, but others came and went. All were loved. And no shame was too great. Eventually, we formed a formal accountability group facilitated by my sponsor. We'd gather for 90 minutes late every Tuesday night. We'd check in and then see where God led our conversation. Sometimes we'd create a Gestalt exercise. Other times we participated in narrative therapeutic work. There was always honest, hard, and kind accountability. It was this group that changed me more than any other single entity. Members came and left. But all who came were changed as we met in that little room on Tuesday nights.
These friends taught me to fall into grace — God's grace and their grace. It was in this community that I discovered my current ecclesiology. It was in this context that I learned what it meant to be a disciple of Jesus rather than a religious Pharisee. It was with and because of these amazing men that God outgrew the Bible, my theology, or the church. It was these guys that helped save me. I love them. They don't need to read those words to know they are true. When we are together, we are at home and we rest. In many ways, those years were some of the best of my life.
I long for the pastors and missionaries to know that kind of communion — to have the kind of "I-Thou" moments that our rat pack shared daily. The current ecclesiological system makes that nearly impossible. May I be a part of changing that.
I spent a total of 35 days at Keystone. Those days created necessary space for me; they gave me gifts I needed to not only survive, but start life over again. Those 35 days may not have saved me, but they sure helped.
I returned to Portland on a Sunday and began a new job working accident claims for a major insurance company. One of my former students helped me get in the door. It was a great opportunity with an excellent company.
When I arrived home, my ex, knowing she could get away with it, changed the locks on my house and left all my clothes in one of our cars, parked in my brother's driveway. The illegality and immorality of her choice didn't bother anyone. Afterall, I was the bastard who cheated on her. She was able to get away with whatever she wanted, and so, she chose to exercise that freedom, seemingly, as much as possible. It is sad how my lies led to her needing to lie. Sin works like that, though. Like our forefathers, the Pharisees, our righteousness becomes the seed of our sin. My wife's "righteousness" in our marriage allowed her to sin against the sinner — me — without remorse or a second thought.
My brother and sister-in-law let me stay in their spare bedroom for a month. That was such a gift. I had no idea what was going on beneath the surface of their seemingly happy life together. It would show itself later after the elders of our church (the one that sent me out as a missionary and then shamed me from the pulpit in their own misguided pride) embarrasesed themselves and God by attempting to exorcise the demons from my brother's house after I left.
Much later, after my brother's demons came to light, my "non-practicing-atheistic" sponsor pointed out that probably there were demons in my brother's house, and that they were his not mine. At the time, however, the elders couldn't see anything because of their anger at me. As a result, they helped destroy any hope for my brother's marriage; much, in the same way, the elders from my house church destoyed any hope for my marriage. My brother I and I still don't speak. Neither of us trusts the other. Psychologically, he has to stay mad at me, making up reasons to do so. Since his anger isn't safe for me, I keep my distance. We both lost our opportunity for a relationship with the only other human who could understand what it was like to grow up in our family. My disease, and his disease combined to destroy us.
My brother I and I still don't speak. Neither of us trusts the other. Psychologically, he has to stay mad at me, making up reasons in his mind to do so. Since his anger isn't safe, I keep my distance. We both lost our opportunity for a relationship with the only other human who could understand what it was like to grow up in our family. My disease and his disease combined to destroy us.
Even after I left my brother's home, Mom and Dad were incredibly gracious to me. Mom's Alzheimer's had already stolen much of her mind, and though at times, she was aware of parts of my story, she never felt the humiliation my choices would have visited on her only a few years earlier.
I returned to Portland from Keystone with a solid recovery plan: See Dr. Shaw each week, get to 90 meetings in 90 days, call my sponsor every day, make a lot of program phone calls, keep doing step work, join a recovery small group, spend a bunch of time with my kids, and get more involved with St Matthew's Church. I also found an apartment near my children and made overtures to my Ex about putting our marriage back together, but thankfully, she wanted nothing to do with me.
Two weeks after starting my new job, my employer sent me to Phoenix for two weeks of training. Then two weeks after returning to Portland they sent me to Tampa for another two weeks of training. They gave me a more-than-generous stipend, room, a shared rental car, and said, "Pass your training. Have fun. Drink a lot. Don't go to jail" Though I had created a recovery plan with my sponsor, those weeks away sent me spinning back into my addiction; more wildly, making more insane and deadly choices. Though I was still calling my sponsor every day and telling him the truth of what was happening; though I was getting to meetings when able while travelling, I could not stop my sexual behaviors. I didn't know how to act out efficiently; and was unaware of how the sex marketplace in unfamiliar cities worked and so I blew all my money on gorgeous, wanton women who were only there to take my money and came home to Portland broke from both trips,
The first two weeks in Phoenix broke something loose in me. I became intent on obtaining sex to feed my addiction thinking that "the next one could save me." 1In meetings I'd hear, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Since I didn't want to be insane, I kept trying new and kinkier stuff — more gorgeous women; more, more beautiful women; found different ways to meet, discover and seduce women.
In the In the months between April 2002 and August 2002, I acted out more than I had in the previous 36 years of life. I was in active rebellion against God, my family, the Church and women in general.
Though I am not proud, nor grateful for those months, I needed them. I needed to know the emptiness of the promise I sought. I needed to discover how vapid it was. Don't let me fool you; I found hedonistic pleasure. It was glorious. It was mindblowing, and, it was vacuous. I found all of the pleasures I desired and cashed in on promises of mind-blowing sex with stunningly beautiful women and still didn't find what I was looking for. 2
My sponsor didn't know what to do with me. I went to a meeting or two every day. I called him every day. I was not proud of what I was doing. He watched the life drain from me as I lost hope. Finally, in August, my city hosted my 12-step fellowship's international convention and he asked me to attend the 12-step seminar to work the steps rather than going to the breakout sessions that sounded interesting to me. It was there that I learned how to work the second step and it was learning to work that step that eventually set me free.
Part 1 /2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12
Whenever I showed anger growing up, my parents reminded me that they had beat the tantrums out of me when I was still a toddler; effectively bringing to an end to my "emotional terrorism." Toddlers can be emotional terrorists; holding their parents hostage through angry outbursts, crying, screaming, and demanding their way. Apparently, I was no different, and according to my parents — worse. And so, after returning to our house on Peppercomb Rd in Eastbourne, Sussex, England; after weeks of staying in other peoples' homes where Mom and Dad felt humiliated because of the ruckus my brother, and I made; they used a belt and "beat the tantrums out of me."
My brother and I quickly learned that it wasn't OK to feel or demonstrate anger in our family unless you were a woman. They taught us by beating us until we didn't feel anymore. And so I learned to stuff my anger. Later, through hard work with a counselor, I relearned how to feel it, To this day, it doesn't come easily; my anger is constipated.
Many of my friends in recovery told stories of losing their tempers, throwing things, breaking things, yelling and screaming. I was so jealous and simultaneously felt so superior. I stuffed my anger down, denying its existence, not realizing that it always came out sideways in horrific and costly ways that didn't resemble violence but did so much more damage.
My wife found Steven Delugach, Portland's leading sex addiction therapist, and told me that I was going to see him. So I went. I saw him every week and joined one of his men's small groups. He is damn good at what he does, and he knows what he is doing. His practical, no-nonsense approach rubs some people the wrong way, but his care for his clients is evident, and he gets results. His track record speaks for itself.
I was also going to at least one (and often two) sex addiction meetings each day. In these early days of recovery, I had fantasies of beating my addiction, writing a book, and hitting the national speaking circuit. I poured my heart into recovery for all the wrong reasons — but I poured it, nevertheless.
It didn't take very long for the things that my sponsor and my therapist suggested or asked me to directly contradict things that the leadership in the church demanded of me. At one point, my Bishop's wife and my wife demanded to see my therapist, because they thought I was lying to them about things he was teaching me. Since I wasn't lying, they said I needed to find a new "Christian therapist" who would agree with them. (OK, the last bit was never stated. It was, however, made more than clear.)
A counselor who attended the pastors' prayer group with me suggested that I find a therapist who trained other therapists. If I didn't, he feared that I would walk on whoever tried to work with me. So I started seeing Dr. Richard Shaw, the head of the Marriage & Family Program at George Fox University. Ultimately, I credit him with saving my life.
It was bound to happen; I didn't do my recovery work perfectly. Sometimes I screwed it up pretty badly, and in one instance — knowing that my actions could be considered flirtatious (and enjoying the accompanying fantasy) — I chose to be honest with one of my former students, letting her know that she had been one of the very few triggers for me at work. On one level, the conversation was wholly appropriate, and on another sinisterly manipulative. The conversation freaked out the young lady. She ended up expressing her discomfort to either my Bishop or his wife, and they, in turn, came to me and told me that I needed to talk to my wife and confess my actions.
Recovery taught me that it wasn't safe for me to make any significant decisions. After all, my best thinking made me an addict. So, I talked to both my sponsor and my therapist. Both stated that I should not follow the church's demands. Knowledge of my foolish conversation would unnecessarily rip scabs off my wife's already significant wounds. When I repeatedly refused their demands to submit, my Bishop asked me to leave. I never went back.
About this time, I started cruising again. Dr. Shaw asked me to read Jeff Vanvonderen's book, Tired of Trying to Measure Up. I devoured it, and I saw on the fly leaf that Van Vonderen, also wrote, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. I was stuffing rapidly rising anger toward the church that was unaware of how unaware they were, and my wife, who was almost grateful for my sexual infidelity because it gave her the long wanted excuse she needed to divorce me.
As I read The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, I was looking for weapons and ordinance to aim at church leadership for its blatant spiritual abuse of me. God had other plans because the more I read, the more I realized, "I was the abuser." Every time I raised my gaze, the fingers I wanted to point at the church pointed at me instead. The realization that I drove people away from Jesus, and his Kingdom, just about killed me. It came close because it sent me scuttling back to my addiction — to cruising and prostitutes. Though I didn't know it at the time, I wouldn't find any lasting freedom for nearly another year. The day America woke up to planes flying into the Twin Towers, I was too hung over and haunted from having acted out with two prostitutes the day before to care. For the next six months, I would act out once a month, every month. Those actions led me to decide that I had to get further help.
In the wake of the meeting with the pastors, life went on without much change, other than the fact I experienced my own personal "Ichabod." The Holy Spirit left me, only returning for brief moments when I preached or taught. I refer to this period of my life as my "brown out." God actively hid from me.
I was incapable of enduring the void and my behaviors escalated. Still hampered by my sometimes-unbiblical systematic theology that I used to interpret the Scriptures. It was so bad that I told one of my staff that I wasn't one of God's elect. I explained that there was no fruit of the Spirit in my life and that my prayers bounced off the ceiling; returning to me in utter silence. I related my current prayer to my friend and fellow staff member:
"God, I know I'm not one of your elect. There is no fruit in my life. My sin is continually before my face and has defeated me, grinding me into the dust; but for whatever reason, when I preach people renew or find a relationship with You. So, though you will damn me, I will keep proclaiming You until I die, so long as you promise to save my kids."
And so, life went on without the Spirit's presence. I went through the motions of ministry with an empty soul, having lost contact with my Creator, and out of touch with my wife and myself. But when I preached, there was still power. So, I kept preaching, and people kept responding, and I kept climbing the evangelical church's ladder of success.
In 2000, along with 10,000 other evangelists from around the world, I traveled to the Amsterdam 2000 conference. I roomed with a friend. As he slept, I snuck out to visit prostitutes in the red light district. Toward the end of the ten-day conference, I even began skipping break-out sessions to try to find a girl who could save me. No one could. And, still no one knew my secret.
The shame of my actions overwhelmed me, and for an extended period, I stopped my behaviors. Then on Easter 2001, I returned home from doing a radio call-in show. I thought my performance deserved sex as a reward. She disagreed, and then, for whatever reason, four years after my confession to the pastors, she asked if I had been unfaithful to her. I answered honestly. She hit me in the face, and neither of us slept.
The next day, she went to our Bishop's house, revisiting my guilt with him; and my life necessarily changed forever…
I thought, "Once I am married and can have sex, my sexual struggles will go away." If you remember, I'd just lost the love of my life. Also, my two best friends moved away from Ann Arbor, and I felt incredibly isolated and alone.
I knew that staying in Ann Arbor was a mistake. It was time to move. Leaving IVCF and the Midwest wasn't a sudden decision. I let my Area Director know a year in advance that I was leaving.
The previous year, I joined the pilot program of Arrow Leadership Ministries and made connections all over the country. It felt as if I had limitless opportunities. The summer before leaving, I traveled home to Oregon both to interview for ministry positions and strategize with my parents and sending church about the future.
At the beginning of that summer, I met my first wife. Initially, we didn't like each other much. She couldn't stand me, and I thought she was "the kind of woman you sat on a keg to keep it cold."
She was part of a thriving singles group that my friend pastored. He and I spent much of the summer going on "corporate dates."
Late that summer, we asked the woman I was to marry (the same one that couldn't stand me when we first met) and her roommate to go on a corporate date. After hearing me preach a month earlier, she made it clear that she had changed her mind and wanted to get to know me better. So asking the two of them out didn't seem all that risky. It was a great date. One of the best and one of the last of the summer.
A couple of weeks later, I returned to Ann Arbor. A letter from her was waiting for me. (This was well before email, cell phones, or text messages.) We began virtual-dating via the phone. We were both still dating other people, and sometimes we talked about our dates on the phone. But, once a week, we'd talk together for three to five hours. Both of our phone bills were huge but neither of us minded. Though I didn't feel physically attracted to her, she became my best friend. When other, male friends asked me about the lack of attraction, I responded, "When I'm eighty and sitting in a rocking chair next to my wife, I want her to be my best friend, and she is that."
My shame was so great, and my theology so shame-infused that I combined the two. I believed I had disqualified myself from "God's best for my life." I said, "I'm kinda like Israel, who sinned and wasn't allowed to enter the promised-land." And at one point, I sat with a circle of fifteen or so students around me and said, "Watch everything I do regarding relationships very carefully. Listen to everything I say about relationships, and then do the opposite and you'll be OK." My students knew my story and realized that I was serious.
Spiritualized shame and an unattractive and wholly unbiblical god, formed the root system of my belief that I had forfeited God's "promised land" for me. I read the Scriptures through shame's lenses. Shame infected every facet of my life and hope. I accepted the fact I was condemned to wander in the desert because of my sin. What I thought was God's voice was shame's neverending whisper.
At Christmas that year, I decided to date only the woman who became my first wife. I remember the almost-paralyzing-nervousness of sitting on her living room floor and reaching to kiss her for the first time. I remember her surprise at the kiss and joy when I told her that I wanted to be exclusive. I remember how she kissed me back and said it was what she wanted to. We celebrated by making an exquisite cracked crab salad.
During that season of my life, I cannot point to any specific "acting out" behaviors, yet, I know I was still "using." My addiction was still my most carefully kept secret. But defiantly I hoped and still prayed; confident that once I was married, my addiction would fall away.
I was wrong. I left Michigan in May, and we got married in July. The sexual intimacy that I thought would save me instead proved only to add to my shame. We were broken from the beginning; barely being sexual at all. Everything in me screams, "Blame her!" But I can't. How could my wife possibly feel desirable when I did not see her as beautiful? How could she have any desire for me at all sensing she wasn't wanted? So, sex happened very infrequently and intimacy even less. We went months without affectionate touching or kissing. There was no sexual glue to hold us together. We were on our way to becoming roommates who occasionally had sex and rarely, if ever, made love.
I remained clean for over a year. Then one night, I cruised a red light district. Soon, I masturbated; and then, my wife walked in on me masturbating at our mission's headquarters right after sex. Later, she caught me again while we were on vacation with our baby daughter. Shame reigned in our marriage. She realized that her first impression of me was correct. I realized that I made my first impression of her into reality. Contempt and shame slithered and flew through our home, caking the walls with inescapable filth. This was not God's intention for marriage.
Shame reigned in our marriage. My wife realized that her first impression of me was correct. I realized that I made my first impression of her into reality. Contempt and shame slithered and flew through our home, caking the walls with inescapable filth. This was not God's intention for marriage.
Half a year after the birth of our first child, I had sexual intercourse with two different prostitutes. Guilt and shame flooded me. There was no way to escape the fact that, by any definition, I was an adulterer. I called my best friend and co-pastor to confess to him. We took a long walk in a park, and I told him what I'd done; acknowledging that I didn't know what to do, crying out for help.
My friend contacted our Bishop and arranged for two other pastors to meet with us. We gathered in my living room, and I told them what I had done, confessing again. They thanked me for my confession. And as we talked, I heard them say, "Thank you for acknowledging your sin. What you did was wrong. Don't do it again. Make sure that if your wife asks any questions about this that you answer her truthfully…"
To be continued…
Trying to explain my spiral into addiction is neither pleasant nor easy. In recent months, I've acknowledged that my "perfect" family wasn't perfect at all. We had a dark side. My mother sexually abused me when I was young. I became a surrogate to her while my Dad traveled. (Maybe in the years that follow, sharing more details might prove helpful. For now, however, it serves no useful function.) It is hard enough to acknowledge that the abuse happened at all. By doing so, I violate my family's rules. A Godly woman like my Mom wasn't capable of such horrific acts. And yet, she was. It is important to say that the damage and debris left in the furrow of the abuse did not cause me to become a sex addict. It was my responses to the sexual violence that led me to addiction.
A fiance who betrayed me with another man only served to compound the marring of my soul. The memory of my brother and I driving away from her house after collecting the ring I gave her is still vividly horrifying. My brother pulled over so I could dry heave on a dark, deserted highway. In the weeks and months following the dry heaves, my fantasy life grew dark and violent. I couldn't pretend to be pure and naive any longer. I became monkish, not trusting the opposite sex. For the rest of my college career, I avoided relationships with women to the degree that some of my friends thought I was gay. It took over a year and a half for me to allow my InterVarsity staff worker to try to set me up with a girl from Michigan State. Though we were both interested, it never panned out. As a result, I stayed happily single, masturbating to erotica, pornography, and violent fantasies of sexual revenge against my ex. At this point, sex didn't feel like a big deal to me. It didn't consume me. Masturbation was merely something I did — didn't everyone?
After graduating, from college, I moved to Ann Arbor, to work with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. I still remember walking into my temporary housing and running into a drop-dead gorgeous brunette who introduced herself as a member of the performing arts, evangelism team I was to lead. At that moment, we both knew that there was an undeniable spark. Eventually, we started dating. She was fantastic and was everything that I ever wanted in a life partner. She wowed me, and I was madly in love with her.
I transformed my appearance and demeanor; I grew my hair long, into a fashionable late 80's style mullet and began sporting a close-cropped beard. I pierced my ear and wore a dangly silver cross earring in the style of George Michael. Every Wednesday night I went to a pub on Main Street, across from campus talk to people about Jesus. I reveled in the fact that the people didn't understand what a pastor was doing in a pub, drinking beer, talking with them about Jesus. I was having a blast, living a dream. Noting this, is important because my dream life wasn't enough. Indeed, it underlined my fears that I would never be enough.
A major event that few people know about occurred in 1989. I traveled home to Portland for a short break, My appearance had changed so much that my family and friends had a hard time recognizing me. I found considerable freedom in anonymity. One day I met a friend near Portland's red light district. Afterward, I drove a few blocks and picked up a prostitute. It was surreal and completely caught me by surprise. I didn't have any physical contact with her; though I thought I was going to when picking her up. I couldn't. Rather, I pulled over, shared the gospel with her, gave her a tract and let her out, saying, "God bless you," As she walked away, I shook in my boots, asking myself and God what was going on. I had no idea. I was so scared that I called my girlfriend and told her what I did. At her urging, I talked to the leadership at my church, being careful to "spin" my struggles in a way that I could get help and not get fired. They loved me and promised to pay for counseling.
When I got back to Michigan, I found a Christian therapist. I stayed in counseling for three years. Therapy wasn't the answer, though. My sexual behaviors grew progressively worse during those years. I knew I was an addict, and yet I still couldn't admit what that meant. Nor could I do anything about it; because no one in evangelicalism seemed to know what to do.
Soon thereafter, I discovered legal businesses; that offered illegal sexual practices. Behind their legal facades, they are ostensibly brothels and leading players in the sex trafficking industry. Though I found them innocently, entering their doors for legitimate reasons; following my discovery of the sexual acts offered, I became a regular customer; my sex addiction was spiraling out of control.
I never had sexual intercourse in any of these establishments. Indeed, I didn't have intercourse before getting married. That was always a badge of pride for me. Being "technically pure" allowed me to rationalize away my behavior. After all, I was only as sexual as President Clinton had been with an intern. However, I spent more money than I possessed to feed my addiction. Even the sexual release I achieved wasn't enough, though. I soon began experimenting with progressively riskier behaviors.
I knew I was rapidly descending into hell when I acted out with a strung-out woman in a dangerous Detroit back alley, on the heels of teaching about "Sex and being Single," at a large singles conference. The woman, the alley, and the act all disgusted me. It wasn't pleasurable. The only "hit" I got was the adrenalin hit of having taken another step toward death. I made another pledge not to act out sexually again. In this particular instance, I kept it for many months. Then I passed one of those neon signs that lit up the night inviting me back in. A siren song beckoned, and I couldn't say no. I slipped right back into the familiar rhythms of adrenalin, escape, and pleasure. I didn't know or care at this point how much my addiction was costing the women I was paying to gratify me, All I knew was that I couldn't stop. I was an addict. I knew it and didn't know how to admit it.
I lived a double life — no one knew about my behaviors. Unless you've done it (or are doing it), you can't understand what that means. If you are in it, I know the hell you are in, because I visited and even bought a tee shirt while I was there.
Truly, when I was in my role of campus pastor and evangelist, I was unaware of the man who acted out sexually in secret with trafficked women. When I was cruising or acting out, my life as a pastor and evangelist didn't matter one iota. I disassociated. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde's story was my story. I was truly lost.
"I found the bottom and discovered it to be sound."
–John Bunyon, Pilgrim's Progress
I sat in a small upstairs classroom in an unfamiliar church, thinking, "I am all that I feared I was…"It was my first 12-step meeting for sex addicts. It was remarkably surreal — everything from the opening prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" — to the introductions.
"Hi, my name is _________ and I am a sexaholic"…
It was my first 12-step meeting for sex addicts. It was remarkably surreal — everything from the opening prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" — to the introductions.
"Hi, my name is _________ and I am a sexaholic"
"Hi _________," the group answered in unison.
I didn't know if I was dreaming or if this humiliating nightmare was my new reality. It seemed too unreal to be real. But it was very real.Just a few days earlier I confessed to my wife that I solicited prostitutes for sexual intercourse. I resigned all my responsibilities as director of
Just a few days earlier I confessed to my wife that I solicited prostitutes for sexual intercourse. I resigned all my responsibilities as director of Cross Carrier Ministries, and dropped out of "life as I knew it."
My identity was seeping away. How could I know that being crushed by the Church, and cast out into an unknown world was God's way of letting me know he wanted a personal relationship with me. I also had no idea that my path was about losing more than sexual addiction, but about having to cut out all the "stuff" in my life that I considered, "a part" of me, but God saw "as harmful" to me. Little did I know that I was embarking on a journey through the deepest recesses of my soul. It traversed the gullies of my resentments, the canyons of my fears, the cavernous holes bored out by my secret life and the quicksand pits of selfish and prideful attitudes that touched every other aspect of my life. I merely used fantasy and sex to hide from all these things. They were symptoms of much deeper problems I didn't want to have to face.I'm the son of an itinerant evangelist and missionary mother, I quickly slid into the family business. I started preaching at age sixteen. As a communicator, I prided myself on being open about my weaknesses. At times, I even admitted from pulpits that I was struggling with "sexual addiction". I'd reveal much, but never my entire story. By doing this, I relieved some of the suffocating guilt I felt while appearing and sounding like a much better speaker. Looking back, by revealing some of my struggles I helped some people on their journeys.
In reality, my ministry—indeed my whole life – was a façade or a hologram. I was not really real. I was a "hollow man," who perceived the world as his stage, and people as his opponent, or tool. Everything was about me. I was at the center of the universe. The world revolved around me. I was a narcissist. And though I knew something was wrong. I didn't know what. Existential questions plagued me continually, and I found no respite. I was powerless, and my life became unmanageable, and I was incapable of recognizing that reality.
After my fall into grace, I listened to a tape of a seminar I taught at a singles convention on the topic of sexuality. As I listened to that distant memory, I was amazed at how right I was about so much. But I also realized that I offered no enduring, sure hope. How could I give away what I didn't have myself? I had nothing to give. I was an addict with no recovery. Indeed, I was an addict that didn't even fully know that I was an addict. I cognitively understood the lust trap and often expounded on it for hours. I knew every inch of the pit called addiction. I spent my life exploring its inner walls looking for a way out without any success. I read all the books, tried all the prayers. Nothing worked. I had nothing to offer but a tour of the prison I inhabited. It is a harsh reality that too many people live and are familiar with addiction without ever realizing that it holds them captive.
Sexual addiction (like every other addiction) does not discriminate. It doesn't seem to matter who one is. Men and women from different faiths and classes of society whither and wilt inside, little by little, trapped and controlled by powers beyond their control. Many are physically dying from a seemingly endless list of diseases contracted through illicit sex. Or depression and anxiety that nearly always accompany sexual addiction. Some will take their own lives, hopeless and lost. Others simply wander with hollow eyes searching for their next "fix" trying to make it through another day.
I spent hours immersing myself in pornography, cruising bars, the red light districts, phone lines, or the Internet, looking for an adrenaline hit I only achieved while "hunting.". Many addicts have no idea the amount of time we lost in a secret, shameful, fantasy world that sucked us in, refusing to let go. I lost weeks and months of my life to lust that I never will get back. I could get on my computer for a minute and snap out of one of my hypnotic-like state four to eight hours later.Looking back, that has changed.
Now I discover each day a new path to freedom. Like many in recovery, I am slowly finding the fullness of life I was promised (but never experienced) way back in Sunday school. Life is full of hope for recovering addicts. We discover that we have no choice to but to rely on God for our very breath.
For the first time in my life, I began to experience a real relationship with Jesus because I have no choice but to run into his outstretched arms every day if I want to live. I am not a disciplined person by any stretch of the imagination, but some simple disciplines have become a matter of life and death for me. Forgetting them, I consciously decide that I don't want a relationship with Jesus that day or in that moment, and I isolate; alone in my addiction that, untreated will kill me. Today the Bible is not merely a book of theory. It is becoming a book of solace and connection.I cling to Jesus as my hope for salvation. His death and resurrection are my salvation. The twelve steps of which I here write are my path up Golgotha's hill. They are the steps I take each day to kneel at my Saviour's cross.
I cling to Jesus as my hope for salvation. His death and resurrection are my salvation. The twelve steps of which I here write are my path up Golgotha's hill. They are the steps I take each day to kneel at my Saviour's cross.There is nothing magical about them. They are merely a pathway – my pathway. They've allowed me to enter the transcendent spirit world and have fellowship with the Creator of all that is. After spending my whole life telling people about Jesus, these steps are finally allowing me to meet Him.
There is nothing magical about them. They are merely a pathway – my pathway. They've allowed me to enter the transcendent spirit world and have fellowship with the Creator of all that is. After spending my whole life telling people about Jesus, these steps are finally allowing me to meet Him.On my journey, I am discovering a lot about the Church and its approach to addicts (and other sinners) like me. I imagine that every rule has its exceptions. I have found some exceptions to my rule, but by in large, the 21st-century evangelical church is wholly inadequate to meet the needs of people struggling with sin or addictions in the 21st-century Western world.
On my journey, I am discovering a lot about the Church and its approach to addicts (and other sinners) like me. I imagine that every rule has its exceptions. I have found some exceptions to my rule, but by in large, the 21st-century evangelical church is wholly inadequate to meet the needs of people struggling with sin or addictions in the 21st-century Western world.
The church is haughty and has an excess of hurtful "truth" it wields all too freely. In the process lives are shattered, and people turn from Jesus to something more "loving." The Church too often feels it has a monopoly on understanding God and His methods. We've boxed Him in and demanded that He limit Himself to our systematized categories of thought and action.
A mentor, known the world over, said to me, "Sadly, the church has no helpful concept of grace." My experience agrees with him. And, I am aware that there are churches and people who do know and offer grace to the world — to me. The sad news is too many Christians haven't and don't, all the while thinking they have, and do.
Recovery is my journey. It maps the way I need to walk. Who knows, it might be your path too. There are a multitude of women and men who have earned chairs in sexual recovery 12 step fellowships without realizing that there is such a thing. They are unaware that there is a society of men and women who share their stories and experience and will walk with them no matter how far down into the pit they have traveled. For innumerable reasons, only a few will find their seat, begin to undo their wrongs, and discover real freedom. Don't let anything stop you if you belong. Sex addiction (any addiction) is truly a matter of life and death. Often I write a gratitude list to God, and on that list I give thanks that I am a sex addict. For ironically, if I weren't, I'd never have discovered him.


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- JotForm Supportashwin_dAnswered on August 27, 2014 at 09:53 AM
Hello equiem,
I did test the "Select All" widget and I was able to replicate the issue you are having. When the submission data is edited, it does not populate the "Select All" widget with previous saved data.
I am reporting it to our back end team. We will get back to you as soon as this issue is fixed.
Thank you!
- JotForm SupportwidgetsAnswered on September 24, 2014 at 11:06 AM
Hey I think this should be working fine now. Closing the ticket.

subset: commoncrawl


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Welcome Henry: Cascade, IA Newborn Photography/
Henry with all his beautiful dark hair was so much fun to shoot for his newborn session. His mom even brought in a Hereford cow hat since they raise cattle on their farm. We put him in a little metal bucket that looks like a grain bucket. I love how it turned out!


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- Title:
- Rotary Christmas in July
- When:
- Tuesday, 3 July - Saturday, 3 July 12.00PM - 2.00PM
- Category:
- Events
Forget about slaving over a hot stove in summer. Come and enjoy a free traditional hot christmas dinner in July whilst being entertained by "The Tokens". All provided by the Rotary Club of North Sudney and volunteers from The Crows Nest Centre.
EventList powered by schlu.net
Coming Soon
There is no upcoming event at this time.


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Liverpool – Dublin (1st Dragoons & 1st Hussars)
(Beamish, North Ludlow, History of the King's German Legion Vol. 1 p90)
9th – set sail from Liverpool (7th Line Battalion)
13th – arrived in Dublin (7th Line Battalion)
(Hering, Johann Fredrich, Journal, Irish Historical Studies, xxv,no. 99 (may 1987))
– 1st Heavy Dragoons arrive Tullamore
– 1st Light Dragoons arrive Gort
(Beamish, North Ludlow, History of the King's German Legion Vol. 1 p90)
18th Dublin 15 & 16 April
The King's German Legion, which lately arrived here, marched out of town on Saturday last, for country quarters; and yesterday they were followed by a number of carts laden with baggage belonging to the regiment.
(Freeman's Journal 18th April 1806)
26th Wednesday a division of light dragoons belonging to the King's German Legion, arrived in town (Dublin from ) for Liverpool.
(Freeman's Journal 26th April 1806)
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
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Thank you for visiting my website! I am excited to be teaching 3rd grade this year. My family and I have lived in Kasson for the past 14 years. This will be my 11th year teaching at K-M.
Iowa State University--Bachelor of Science in Elementary Education with a specialization in Spanish
Winona State University--Masters Degree in Education


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(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); A sneak peak at the DC Universe's next direct-to-video animated movie, Batman: Gotham by Gaslight, has emerged online. The short appears as one of the special features for the home video release of the Warner Bros. upcoming animated feature, Batman and Harley Quinn. Gotham by Gaslight, a 1989 story written
Month: August 2017
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Guardians of the Galaxy director James Gunn is set to take to the small screen for his next project, as it was revealed today that he has signed on to pen the pilot script (and potentially direct) for a Starsky and Hutch television series reboot hailing from Sony Pictures Television
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); While The Force Awakens saw Resistance forces trying to take down Starkiller Base, the planet-sized weapon influenced in no small part by the original Star Wars trilogy's Death Star, it looks like Rey, Finn and company are in for even more large-scale threats in The Last Jedi. The Star Wars
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); The Idolm@ster SideM anime project is taking off at full speed! In addition to a key visual and broadcast information, they also announced a special and a prequel episode that will be airing just before the series. The special program is titled "Idolm@ster SideM Broadcast Celebration SP St@rting Ceremony", and
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); A new visual from the first film in the upcoming Eureka Seven: Hi-Evolution trilogy was recently revealed in a mini web special! Amidst reddish hues, Renton stands with a sharp gaze directed at someone or something off screen, looking much more mature and jaded than usual. The reboot will finally
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); A life-sized Unicorn Gundam statue based on Mobile Suit Gundam Unicorn will be landing in Odaiba's DiverCity Tokyo Plaza on Sept. 24, and to commemorate it, there will be all sorts of campaigns! The statue itself is massive at around 19.7m tall. Even better? It can actually change from Unicorn
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); A potential Justice League spoiler may have hit the Internet thanks to what appears to be an early reveal of the songs comprising the film's soundtrack. A fan of the band Imagine Dragons posted a screenshot to the band's dedicated subreddit of what is purported to be the film's soundtrack,
2 View post on imgur.com 3 View post on imgur.com 4 View post on imgur.com 5 View post on imgur.com 6 View post on imgur.com 7 View post on imgur.com 8 View post on imgur.com 9 View post on imgur.com 10 Nahiri, the Lithomancer 2 11 View post on imgur.com 12 View post on imgur.com
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); The CYBIRD x BAY HOTEL collaboration has returned, this second time boasting even more decorations and projects! This popular capsule hotel is decked out in beautiful Ikemen Sengoku graphics and other decorations including the 12 capsules on the 4th floor, the shower room, and the personal lockers of the 12
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); The Gundam Base Tokyo opened to grand fanfare in Odaiba on August 19th! It's definitely the ultimate base for all Gunpla fans, with over 1,500 past models and a large number of limited edition kits available. This huge space is split up into three areas: the Shop Zone, the Factory
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); The Gintama live action movie continues its sweeping success, raking in 3.48 billion yen with an attendance of over 2.6 million as of Aug. 20! In addition, they also announced a Chinese release: The movie will be shown in 8,000 theaters on 12,000 screens starting from Sep. 1, making it
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); After numerous setbacks, including the loss of two separate directors, Gambit is getting a do-over. Speaking to Hey U Guys, star Channing Tatum revealed that, after countless delays, the movie is essentially starting over from scratch. According to Tatum, the success of fellow X-Men spin-off films Logan and Deadpool has
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Last month, IDW Publishing announced a Goosebumps comic book series, inspired by R.L. Stine's classic line of children's horror novels. The series is slated to run for three-issue arcs, from a variety of creative teams starting with Monsters at Midnight by writer Jeremy Lambert and artist Chris Fenoglio; set in
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Every week Keith Knight makes three comic strips. There's the weekly multi-panel strip The K Chronicles, which has run since 1993. There's the weekly single panel political strip (th)ink. Then seven days a week he's making The Knight Life, a daily comic strip. Knight is also the illustrator of Jake
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); He may be the man behind some of the most famous superheroes of all time, but over the course of his incomparable, nearly eight-decade comic book career, Stan Lee has become a hero in his own right to countless fans. And while do-gooders like Spider-Man rarely get thanks for their
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Netflix's adaptation of Death Note debuts on the streaming service later this week, and director Adam Wingard is already looking ahead to what might come next within his Americanized vision of the beloved anime. RELATED: Death Note: L Confronts Light in New Netflix Clip "When I first pitched the movie
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); It's been a long journey for Natsu and the rest of the Fairy Tail crew! With a whopping 60 million copies in print, the hugely successful manga by Mashima Hiro has finally come to an end. It's clearly time for the guild to have a break, so they've headed to
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(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Fans have known since July that Riverdale is about to start rocking a whole lot harder with the impending launch of The Archies as an ongoing comic series this October. But now readers know who the title's first guest star support act will be: Chvrches. RELATED: SDCC: Riverdale Punks Up
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Tank Girl first appeared in the inaugural issue of the Deadline anthology in 1988 — meaning that the enduring futuristic outlaw created by Jamie Hewlett and Alan Martin is nearing its 30th anniversary. Naturally, Titan Comics isn't letting that occasion pass without commemorating it, and CBR has the first details
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); The actor who frustrated and delighted audiences as Francis Freeman, the main antagonist in 2016's R-rated superhero action-comedy Deadpool, will take his talents to the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense in Hellboy. Skrein has been cast as Benjamin Daimio in the film, a supernaturally-powered agent working for the BPRD.
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Hellboy actor David Harbour has confirmed that the reboot movie isn't looking to start from scratch when it comes to introducing its eponymous character. Harbour said the upcoming film won't focus on Hellboy's origins, but will instead borrow a page from the Indiana Jones school of "running and gunning" storytelling.
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); A new promotional poster for Star Wars: The Last Jedi assembles most of the film's heroes, from Mark Hamill's Luke Skywalker to Daisy Ridley's Rey to franchise newcomer Kelly Marie Tran's Rose Tico. RELATED: Boyega Believes Rotating Directors Strengthens the Star Wars Franchise The image, courtesy of MovieNewsNow, depicts Rey
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Sushi is easily the first thing to come to mind when talking about Japanese food. But sushi doesn't just stop at being healthy and delicious, as it can appear in all kinds of practical or simply adorable forms. Check out our coolest sushi-inspired items below! 1. Try resting your weary
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It has been five years now when Facebook had to withstand a severe blow in its stock options. Yet the company's CEO Mark Zuckerberg has successfully managed to raise his net worth by $9bn per year every year!
33-year old the world's fifth wealthiest as well the youngest tech billionaire is worth of $62.3bn now, according to the Bloomberg Business Index. Four days after he turned 28, Facebook stirred a hype regarding its IPO in the stock market.
Early challenges faced by Facebook
Unfortunate for Facebook that its hype dissipated soon due to technical problems it had to overcome; as a result, its stock($42.05/share) was not available till 11.30am on that same day. However, the face value trickled down as low as $38-a-share later that day.
The dark clouds seemed to get darker indeed for Zuckerberg whose net worth dropped to $11.9bn after the loss.
Despite the losses, in the beginning, Zuckerberg's leadership has also raised the stock price by 282% since the IPO. Right now, its number of active users has risen to 1.3bn per day through its Messenger app, which is 17% of the entire global population. In 2012, the number was only half of what it is now.
Zuckerberg revealed an ingenious idea to other investors
Mark Zuckerberg clearly proved how monetization of social media could be turned possible by offering exposure to other businesses and also by selling customer information; of course, everything comes with a price.
Facebook has acquired a market capital value of $426bn with revenue and income $28bn and $10bn respectively since 2011.
According to Matt Cohler an ex-employee of Facebook and venture capitalist at Benchmark,
"He maintains a relentless focus on innovation, but at the same time he's an applied-science and engineering guy"
As per the given statement, it seems pretty obvious why Facebook is heavily investing into AI and virtual reality. We can only wait to find out more about the classy and hi-tech toys owned by Zuckerberg.
The wealth Mark Zuckerberg has managed to acquire over the years is not meant for himself only, as his family is now entitled to pay 99% of their net worth in 2015.
Image Courtesy: CNBC
For more news on Facebook and/or Zuckerberg, we urge you to subscribe for TTN.


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When: Fourth Monday of every month, 7 p.m. Continues through March 1 2008
Meditation -- it's not just for Buddhists anymore! On the fourth Monday of every month, Brian Schachter-Brooks hosts seminars on Jewish meditation at ChochmatHaLev synagogue (2215 Prince St., Berkeley). Popularized by the Chasidic RebbeNachman of Breslov, hitbodedut translates loosely to "self-seclusion" and entails intimate personal conversations with You-know-whom. Trained composer Schachter-Brooks is a member of the ChochmatHaLev Ensemble, whose renderings enhance the Nov. 26 seminar. 7 p.m. Chochmat.org
Anneli Star Josselin Rufus
Price: free


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Faver-Dykes State Park
State Parkwrite a review 1000 Faver-Dykes Rd.
St. Augustine, FL 32080
Reservations: 800-326-3521
Official Website
|Last Price Paid:
|Number of Sites:
|Pad Type:
|Max Length:
|30 ft
|Tent Camping:
Cell Phone Coverage
|Verizon 4G/LTE
|Verizon Voice Only
|T-Mobile 4G/LTE
Margot BaiToronto, ON, Canada 17' Taylor Coach Nik Nat 2017 Toyota Tacoma
|Nightly rate:
|Days stayed:
|Site Number:
Margot Bai would stay here again
"Lovely, small quiet campground within pinelands and hammocks"
Reviewed Mar 11, 2017
This campground is located down some sand/dirt roads in a beautiful and lush forest area with palms, magnolias and pines. Sites are a decent size and have decent privacy from neighbours. There are also a few trails to hike right by the campground with lookouts over the marsh surrounding the creek. The highlight is the wide Pellice... more
This review is the opinion of a Campendium member and not of Campendium.com
Living Driven27' Airstream Flying Cloud 2016 Ram 2500
|Nightly rate:
|Days stayed:
Living Driven would stay here again
"A nice campground, near the beach and St. Augustine"
Reviewed Jan 15, 2017
The road getting to Faver-Dykes is perhaps the biggest negative for this Florida State Park. Our stay at other State Parks have revealed that this particular park and campground is much more rustic and inconvenient than most others. It's located about 25-30 minutes from the historical downtown of St. Augustine, but if Anastasia is book... more
This review is the opinion of a Campendium member and not of Campendium.com
MacRodgeSD 30' Fleetwood Tioga Subaru Legacy
|Nightly rate:
|Days stayed:
|Site Number:
MacRodge would stay here again
"Isolated Campsite, Pretty Nice For The Price"
Reviewed Jan 04, 2017
This campground is well off the paved roads. Each site has water and electric, and there's one dump site for the whole camp. There's a nice nature trail that winds through the area where one can catch glimpses of armadillos, wild pigs, and rare birds. It's quiet for the most part. The roads in were narrow and a little bumpy, but pothol... more
This review is the opinion of a Campendium member and not of Campendium.com
epritch7Chillicothe, OH 23' Airstream Flying Cloud 23D 2007 Lexus GX470
|Nightly rate:
|Days stayed:
|Site Number:
epritch7 would stay here again
"The real Florida "
Reviewed Apr 29, 2016
Beautiful natural setting. Quiet, water and 30 amp. Very private. We watched armadillos play from our front porch. Nature trail, amphitheater. Gate that closes the park down at 5pm, call ahead if you are running behind to get the code. Only downside was we stayed here to visit downtown St Augustine and it was a longish drive to the be... more
This review is the opinion of a Campendium member and not of Campendium.com
Jen and Mace Man ...Livingston, TX 27' Airstream Flying Cloud Twin 2012 Ford F-250
|Days stayed:
|Site Number:
Jen and Mace Man Fancy Pants would stay here again
"Just a so-so experience for me"
Reviewed May 07, 2015
Site #16 was private and spacious but I just didn't enjoy this park that much. I think in general I am not in love with Florida state park system. It seems like all the roads are narrow and spaces are tight. Perhaps because most of the parks are older and most people didn't have big trailers or Motorhomes back when the campgrounds w... more
This review is the opinion of a Campendium member and not of Campendium.com
WanderWasi30' Airstream International Serenity 2014 Ford F-250
|Nightly rate:
|Days stayed:
|Site Number:
"One night fly-by"
Reviewed Apr 20, 2015
We stayed at Faver Dykes for one night because we weren't able to reserve another night at Anastasia State Park. The park is easy to get to, just off of I-75 however the road within the park is a couple miles of single lane dirt/sand road. It was fairly smooth for us however, I can imagine it may be difficult after a rain. The p... more
This review is the opinion of a Campendium member and not of Campendium.com
........Rolling in a RV - Wheelchair Traveling......: Faver-Dykes State Park
The location of this small park, at the end of a 1 1/2 mile sandy road and a good distance from the Florida coast, makes it quiet and not super crowded so it's possible to get a site during the wee...
- 30 Amp
- 20 Amp
- water
- Partial Hookups
- boat ramp
- boat rental
- fishing
- picnic area
- recreation trail
- water access
Site Amenities:
- fire ring
- picnic table
- dump station
- restrooms: flush
- showers
- trash
- pets
Owners, contact us to update your listing.
Princess Place PreserveCounty Park
Palm Coast, Florida
Pellicer Creek CampgroundRV Park
St. Augustine, Florida
Cedar Creek CampgroundState Forest
St. Augustine, Florida
Flying J Travel PlazaDump Station
St. Augustine, Florida
Bryn Mawr Ocean ResortRV Park
St. Augustine Beach, Florida
PepperTree RV ResortRV Park
St. Augustine Beach, Florida
Ocean Grove RV ResortRV Park
St. Augustine Beach, Florida


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We, here at Hall and Oates Forever, are encouraging our fans to show us your fan pics! Every fan has a story and we want to hear them all!
Here are some fan pics sent to me by Anne Sarbanis, who writes: "Eliot (Lewis) is such a doll, and so friendly, and polite..This was taken after the concert when he was exhausted and ready to leave, and he still took the time for us (my group of friends)"
This one is of Anne (left, under the sign), taken at the LFDH Beacon Theater Show during April 2012:
This one is of Anne (left under the sign) and Allen Stone & gal walking under the LFDH marquee (from 4/2012)
Thank you very much Anne for sharing your pictures with us!
To have your picture shared on our blog, please "message" it to me through my FB page or e-mail it to me through the Hall & Oates Forever DB and I will be glad to feature your picture here on HallAndOatesForever! Keep the pictures coming folks!


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Friday, June 19, 2009
GAY BEAST "second wave"
This is a glorious collision of angular guitar parts, analog synth sweeps and bleeps, sax blurts, and drumming in that complex endless-fill style. And some real singing. (I like me some screeching or hollering too, but it's nice to hear a different approach here.) Oh yeah, and TUNES.
I told a friend who attended a recent Gay Beast show with me that what I loved about them was how they could make challenging and amazingly complex music and also fill it with catchy hooks. After the show, this person, who is far more inclined than I am to listen to "pop" music, said that "maybe it's catchy for music that YOU listen to." Well, point taken. It can be a matter of perspective. Maybe Gay Beast is what Deerhoof sounds like to your average indie rock fan. (if I had pull-quotes, that would be it)
Still, I maintain that the hooks are there. Even to me, they seemed a little hard to "get" on first listen, but now after my 20th listen or so I find myself singing as I walk down the street, "Don't sweep me a-a-aah - don't sweep me under the rug - I am only human!" I have even woken up with Gay Beast songs running through my head.
And there may be the best selling point for "second wave" - it will bring great rewards upon many, many repeated listens. By the time you have the songs figured out, you will find that you've fallen in love with them. This ranks high as the album most worth your hard-earned dollars. All the more amazing that band singer/keyboardist/saxophonist Danimal gave this to me in trade, after he tried to pay for MY disc which I handed him. Could there be a more stand-up dude? (At the aforementioned show. Photos posted soon. I cannot guarantee this trading trick will work more than once.)
FREE MP3 SAMPLE: "eeexxxpppaaannndddiiinnnggg"
Bonus trivia: see if you can catch the DEVO tune semi-hidden on the album.
LP and CD on Skin Graft Records
Here's a video of them killing it at the Cake-Shop back in Oh-6.
Posted by M*P*Lockwood at 10:13 AM
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Simple Delights and Through the Lilac Bushes are hosting an upcoming modest fashion event. :-)
With fun themes, and prizes, you don't want to miss out. I'm going to try and participate if I can, and if you'd like to know more about it, click HERE to read the original post. Autumn is such a lovely time of the year, especially when it comes to fashion. I think it must be my favorite! Perfect temperatures with a crisp coolness in the air and warm sunshine on your face. It doesn't get any better! I thought I'd share with you today my Fall fashion must-haves.
Tall ones. Short ones. Brown ones. Black ones. Suede or leather. Zippers or laces. There are so many options out there, you are sure to find the perfect one for you. My personal faves were a heeled brown suede pair with a sophisticated western feel, They fell apart on me a few years ago and I've yet to find a replacement! Boots are great because they can help greatly into transitioning an outfit to make it Fall appropriate, and they also keep your legs a little big warmer.
I could not live without these essentials during the Autumn season. Tights make practically anything appropriate for the new season (okay maybe not everything, but lots of things!). I have a pretty big stash of basics like black and brown, but also a lot of fun colors like fuchsia, teal, hunter green and whatever catches my eye. It can brighten up an outfit and add so much life and spunk. I also have a thing for tall socks. Tall meaning...at least knee high, preferably thigh high because socks tend to scrunch down while walking. These are great to layer over tights when you want more warmth (wool are the best!), but are also a fun addition to your outfit and add a lot of personal style.
Oh goodness. How could we have Autumn without cardigans? Actually, I wear my cardigans nearly year around, however this past Summer was so darn hot I packed mine into the back of the closet and didn't wear them once! So you can bet that I am excited that Autumn has finally arrived and I can wear them again. :) Cardigans, like tights, are essential to layering. You can make so many things work for Autumn by simply adding a cardigan!
This one probably isn't an must-have for everyone, but my ears are usually the first thing to get cold so I love wearing hats. They make a big difference in staying warm! Beanies come in all shapes and styles so again, I'm sure everyone can find one just for them.
These are just a few things I use a lot during the Autumn season, in transitioning my wardrobe for cooler temperatures. Now I'd love to hear from you!
What are some of your Autumn Essentials?


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Running battles between locals, foreign nationals and the police in South Africa (SA) have made news headlines around the world. Last week the port city of Durban was shut down as police tried to contain widespread looting and violence against foreign nationals. Some of the scenes flashed across television screens were reminiscent of SA in the 80s. People, back then, took to the streets to protest against the apartheid government. This time around they took to the streets to loot and beat the people from the very nations across the continent that welcomed exiled South Africans who were trying to fight the apartheid regime from outside the country.
The Jesuit Institute South Africa and the Southern African Catholic Bishop's Conference released statements last week condemning the violence. Many church and civil organisations, including Jesuit Refugee Service, are working around the clock to bring relief to victims who have had to feel their homes. The South African Football Association has also announced that two international soccer games will be played in neighbouring countries to raise awareness around xenophobia. On Tuesday night a silent vigil has been planned and will take place at the premises of South Africa's Constitutional Court in Johannesburg. A number of politicians, civil activists, church leaders media personalities and celebrities are expected to attend.
Xenophobia (some politicians are now calling it "Afrophobia" as most of those who have been attacked are from other African countries) is always bubbling beneath the surface in SA. In 2008 large-scale xenophobic attacks left sixty-two people dead (twenty one of whom were SA citizens) and hundreds displaced. Nothing seems to have changed; seven people have lost their lives since the attacks began last week. The reasons for the attacks are rather complicated. Some people believe that they are symptomatic of a growing anger in SA because life, for many people, has not changed since independence in 1994. They believe that people, especially poor, young and disenfranchised black people, are becoming more and more frustrated that political promises which were made assuring a better life have not materialised. In fact unemployment rates have risen and the gap between the rich and poor has expanded. Locals claim that foreigners have spilled over SA's porous borders and are stealing local jobs and women. Others blame foreign nationals for the high crime levels in the country. Government and civil society (including faith-based organisations) have done little to prevent further xenophobic attacks since the last widespread outbreak in 2008.
The latest attacks took place soon after a local traditional leader, the Zulu King Goodwill Zwelithini, suggested that foreigners should pack their bags and leave. By no means the only or sole protagonist, many people in SA hold the view that his sentiments incited violence and contributed to the attacks in Durban. He made these after a labour dispute had taken place between locals and foreign nationals. After the violence broke out, he said nothing to quell it. At the inauguration speech of a new traditional leader on Saturday, he did not even mention the deadly attacks that gripped the country. On Monday he called an "imbizo" (meeting) in which he claimed that he had been misquoted and asked the Zulu people to take up arms for peace. He did not offer an apology to the victims or the country (even if he was misquoted) for the mayhem his words may have contributed to. Instead he blamed the media and a "third force".
Late last week, and over the weekend, xenophobic attacks spread to other parts of the country. On the outskirts of Johannesburg police shut down a neighbourhood as police battled it out with locals who had set a building alight believed to be a residential block where foreign nationals were living. The main ring-road highway around Johannesburg, the M2, was also shut down as protestors lit tyres and threw stones at passing vehicles. Displaced people sought refuge in local police stations, community halls and churches. Attacks on foreigners and the looting of homes and businesses were also reported from two other provinces. The Malawian Government issued a statement in which it said that it would be assisting citizens to return home because of the situation in SA. Many foreigners want to flee SA, returning to their countries of origin which they ironically left looking for a better life in SA. Reports emerged of reprisal attacks on South Africans at the border of Zimbabwe and Mozambique.
On Friday the country heard that SA president, Jacob Zuma, would be going to Asia on a state visit and to attend an economic summit. Violence escalated around the country overnight on Friday. On Saturday morning it was announced that Zuma would cancel his state visit to Indonesia so that he could visit victims of the violence who were being accommodated in a camp in an area outside of the City of Durban. He, instead, sent deputy president Cyril Ramaphosa. Zuma's visit to the victims in the camp brought little consolation, he was met with some opposition and many people at the camp expressed their anger and frustration that his government had been slow to respond. He also visited a nearby township and appealed to locals to stop the violence.
South Africans woke up to a shocking story and pictures in The Sunday Times newspaper on Sunday morning – the same day government ministers were scheduled to meet to discuss the violence. It was the story (and graphic pictures) of a Mozambican man, Emmanuel Sithole, being beaten and stabbed to death in Alexandra Township just outside of the most affluent area of SA, Sandton. This story, and the graphic pictures, led many South Africans to take to social media condemning xenophobia and violence. The police identified Sithole's killers from the pictures and arrested them; they are to appear in court on Tuesday. On Monday president Zuma chastised the media for publishing the graphic pictures – he said they bring the country into disrepute. So far more than three hundred people have been arrested in connection with the attacks on foreign nationals.
Late on Monday afternoon controversial leader of opposition party, the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF), Julius Malema, visited Alexandra. Malema defended the Zulu King and blamed the current situation on the government. Malema's visit to the township rocked by xenophobia and the shocking killing of a man became more like a campaign rally. He told the crowd "No Zimbabwean has taken your job. You want a job; go to Luthuli House (the headquarters of the ruling party, the African National Congress - ANC). Take every Zimbabwean back to Zimbabwe, and you will still be unemployed. You can kill all the people of Zimbabwe, and you will still die in poverty." He then said, "Your problem is the ANC."
Tourism authorities and business leaders are reporting losses in business due to the on-going attacks. On Tuesday morning the government announced that the army would be deployed to Alexandra Township (the place where Sithole was slain). Expedited courts have also been set up to deal with those arrested for xenophobic violence.


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The terrific vacuum insulation of the CamelBak Chute stainless steel drink bottle keeps beverages COLD for 24 hours and HOT for 6 hours
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Tip Tuesday – How to identify and reward effort with Mathletics
It's important to Mr Jones that he rewards his students' efforts just as much as their achievements. He wants to reward students who are demonstrating sustained effort over the term, and encourage those who aren't regularly practising their maths to engage with Mathletics more. Mr Jones wants to be able to see how


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Word that the headlines had been introduced by the CHARGE translation, and were not current within the original French textual content. Arkansas – There isn't a law that mandates what the minimal age necessities are for leaving a baby house alone, but most authorities recommend no younger than 13 years of age. I would like to take some classes in a law program however definitely not price giving up my day job to do it. That's to say that some elements of the Law of the nation were borrowed from the Western world. Oxford University Press announced the forthcoming publication of System, Order, and Worldwide Law.
Tennessee – There is no such thing as a minimum age law on this state, however it's advised by state companies to not depart kids under the age of 10 unsupervised. The harmlessness of the mission carried out by law and lawful defense is self-evident; the usefulness is apparent; and the legitimacy can't be disputed. Widespread Law is stuffed with technicalities, rigidity, and harshness, because of its incapacity to offer any redress to a litigant in certain cases.
One of the vital but delicate relationships in a family is the mom in law and daughter in law relation, carefully adopted by mother in law and son in law relation. I've seen this actual state of affairs going on in law companies for nearly 20 years, and I'm positive it preceded my entry into the market. Resiliency coaching; hunt the good things.. Over 15 years of service between the Military and Army Nationwide Guard in support of OIF. The Conference debated methods to preserve the oceans' ecosystems, in addition to the role International Environmental Law should play in regulating actions akin to deep sea mining, marine vitality generation, seabed pipeline and cable techniques.
Since we have already conceded that the work doesn't demand a high-talent, excessive-status expert, there ought to be opportunities to introduce automation and other forms of expertise into the service delivery course of. The prince is depicted as the soul of this shapeless mass of people that type the nation.
I've offered for her, went to her dance recitals, her college occasions, allowed her to remain out late, defined politics and law to her. These conclusions have significant implications for international investment law and State observe. The episode was written by SVU showrunner Rick Eid and Jeffrey Baker, and the dialog was crisp and lifelike.


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Early Years Advisory Team - Support - EY Tracking and data support
This half day support will focus on a review of your own current system and process for tracking children's progress and how well it meets good practice in improving children's progress and outcomes. It will include a reflective, self-evaluative dialogue that will supportively challenge your current practice alongside offering ideas and suggestions on how you could improve it further. There may be an opportunity to briefly draft a development plan if requested. This support will be individualised to meet your needs so it is important to be specific with any particular requests.
By the end of the support participants will
(a) Know how well their current system and process meets good practice
(b) Develop their reflective skills and knowledge of good practice
(c) Have ideas and suggestions on how to further improve their system and process
The recommended minimum for this course is 1/2 day support.
Services for Young Children believe that Professional Options can enhance provider's opportunity to improve outcomes for children. We also believe that our pricing structure will enable providers to purchase training and support at times of need (e.g. prior to/after an Ofsted Inspection).
It is recommended that Early Years providers may wish to join together in order to share the cost and achieve viable/maximum numbers e.g. half day support for 20 participants will cost £15 per person (not including venue/refreshments).
Exclusive of venue/refreshments
A half day support (3 hours) (maximum 20)
A full day support (6 hours) (maximum 20)
Additional hours
£100 per hour
Summary Report
If you would like more than 20 practioners to attend, please discuss your requirements with the respective subject area team contact before booking.
Additional Information regarding cost: Venue/refreshments to be organised and all costs met by setting/school purchasing the training. Quoted prices include course preparation and travel.
Please select your required training session below. You must also ensure that you complete all the fields below as any omissions could delay the booking.
Additional hours
If you require an additional follow up session of one or two hours to support the training or support you have recently received. Please use the drop down option to select and purchase the required time.
Summary Report
Use this option if you require a summary report following a support session that has been delivered. However to ensure that the report is accurate and reflects your establishments current practice the purchase will need to be made as soon as the session has been delivered or within the following 10 working days.
N.B. We are unable to write reports unless they are purchased within 10 working days of the support/training being received/delivered.
Hampshire County Council, The Castle, Winchester, Hampshire, SO23 8ZB
This page was last updated on 9 April 2013. ©
Hampshire County Council 2013.


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Hello everyone! How do I prevent triggering the click event on a particular layer when it is sitting behind another layer? Currently I can trigger a click event on a button when it is actually sitting behind everything...
Hi there's probably a better way but the first thing that comes to mind is setting the layer's CSS to pointer-events: none
Layer.style "pointer-events": "none"
(And that second line should be indented.)
Thanks Ces Cortez! I tinkered more with it and found a solution (not sure if it's the right way), but what I did was just set a blank on click function on the layer that's sitting on top.
"layerOnTop.on(Events.Click, function(){})"
And make sure the layer index are also correct.
This did the trick for me
Ces Cortez I'll give your solution a try as well, cheers for the quick response!
Jacky, that's how I would do it as well.
Layers without any event handlers attached have pointer-events set to none by default, which is why you're able to click the button through other layers. You can change that by setting this property:
layerOnTop.ignoreEvents = false
This is really the property that gets set when you set the blank click handler, so you might as well use it directly.


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Associate Conductor
Todd Carrico is the Director of Music Ministry at Faith Lutheran Church in Glen Ellyn, Illinois. In this position, he plays the organ for worship and directs three choral groups, two handbell choirs, and the Praise Band. He also develops and directs instrumental ensembles on a seasonal basis primarily in order to present major works with the Faith Choir.
Mr. Carrico holds degrees from Valparaiso University (Organ Performance) and from the University of Illinois (Choral Music). He has studied organ with Philip Gehring, Donald Williams, James Kibbie and Aaron David Miller and choral conducting with Eldon Balko, William Olson, Harold Decker and Chester Alwes. He has studied piano with Bethyne Emery and Kenneth Drake. In addition, Mr. Carrico has participated in workshops and conferences on children's choirs and youth music led by Anton Armstrong, John Bertalot, Helen Kemp, Michael Kemp, Amy Chivington and Andre Thomas.
In over three decades of service to the church, Mr. Carrico has served churches in Champaign, Illinois and Mason City, Iowa. Before coming to Faith in the summer of 2004, he served St. Paul's Lutheran Church in Toledo, Ohio for more than 17 years. There he founded the Cantata Domino Choir School, which drew young people from throughout northwest Ohio. He directed the Cantate Domino Choir, the most advanced choir in the school, which toured annually and produced its first CD in 2000. Also in 2000, Mr. Carrico made his European debut playing concerts in Hungary, first in the Votive Cathedral in Szeged and later in the St. Anna Church in Budapest. Mr. Carrico is a member of the Association of Lutheran Church Musicians and the Choristers Guild.
Todd is married to Cynthia, and they have two children, Jonathan and Melissa.


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Castlevania Netflix series is coming later this year
Producer Adi Shankar, who previously worked on movies Dredd and Lone Survivor, has revealed he's working on a Castlevania series for Netflix, which, according to him, will be the western world's first good video game adaptation" (see original Facebook post below).
The first season will launch this year, with season 2 coming in 2018. Both seasons were penned by comic book writer Warren Ellis, who is also producing alongside Shankar, Kevin Kolde and Fred Seibert (both producers of Adventure Time).
Talking to IGN, Shankar said the plot will be an adaptation of 1989's Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse. He added: This is very much Castlevania done in the vein of Game of Thrones." He also said that [the series is] going to be R-rated as f***." The series doesn't have an exact release date yet.
According to Netflix's official blurb, the animated series will focus on Castlevania's Belmont clan:
Inspired by the classic video game series, Castlevania is a dark medieval fantasy following the last surviving member of the disgraced Belmont clan, trying to save Eastern Europe from extinction at the hand of Vlad Dracula Tepe himself. The animated series is from Frederator Studios, a Wow! Unlimited Media company, written by best-selling author and comic book icon Warren Ellis and executive produced by Warren Ellis, Kevin Kolde, Fred Seibert and Adi Shankar."


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A Labor proposal to raise the tax on cigarettes to pay for Gonski school reforms has been lampooned by a key crossbench senator.
Liberal Democrat David Leyonhjelm echoed the saying that the optimum level of tax was like plucking a goose to take the maximum number of feathers with the least hissing.
"We are already at the stage where the hissing is pretty substantial," he told reporters in Canberra on Tuesday of reports Labor is considering another round of three 12.5 per cent hikes on cigarettes.
Senator Leyonhjelm said he couldn't see a connection between smoking and education, but independent senator Nick Xenophon was more open to the idea.
"If you can slug the tobacco industry and a consequence of that is that it can help fund some worthy programs such as education then I'm all for it," he said.
But he also believes if smokers are going to be "slugged more" they should be given help to quit.
Deputy Labor leader Tanya Plibersek said the idea shouldn't be ruled out.
"I think it is important to look at all options and I was the health minister when we last raised the cigarette excise," she told reporters.
More expensive cigarettes means fewer young people, in particular, smoking, she said.


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In total honesty, things have been super stressful here. We were in limbo for several weeks. Things are looking up and hopefully the blog will be buzzing again shortly!
We appreciate all the thoughts, prayers, and support. Hopefully soon I will have an update post..and no a baby is not the reason. Apparently if you are silent people start guessing :)
Hope all is great with you and for now enjoy fun in the leaves!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
I think you could hear crickets and for good reason...
In total honesty, things have been super stressful here. We were in limbo for several weeks. Things are looking up and hopefully the blog will be buzzing again shortly!
Posted by Basham at 11:20 PM 1 comments
Monday, January 14, 2013
Christmas Eve
I kinda feel like this year was stressful. The not knowing of our move, the impeding date of a job ending, and the fact that Daniel only got Christmas day off made it..well I will be honest, hard. The past several years Daniel has taken the week off between Christmas and New Year and it has been great. This rotation would not allow it. We decided to wait until Christmas Eve to head over to meet my family. Initially Daniel was going to drive us over for the weekend, back to work, drive back for Christmas, back to work, etc. We decided it wasn't worth him being on the road all that extra time as well as, essentially adding more stress.
We spent some time at the park on Christmas Eve Eve. The weather was perfect!
|Fun at the park on Christmas Eve Eve
We had hopes to make cookies with the kids and read Christmas stories before bed. That said, I know in reality the kids will really be excited next year and we can do all those fun things! I love the picture below from the evening:
Wyatt - Now listen this is what is going to go down tomorrow..
Matty - Whaaatttt??
|We must have all been good kids this year!
Luckily, we aren't in that wake up super early stage of kids on Christmas morning and that makes for a fantastic day!! Wyatt woke up around 7:30-8ish had some breakfast, played, and went back down for a nap around 10. We ended up doing presents 11:30 after breakfast. It was fantastic! I know many of you are up at 5:30..sorry!
Up next Christmas "morning" and day!
And no..still no assignment! Hopefully we will hear something early this week! Keep your fingers and toes crossed!
Posted by Basham at 11:56 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Well I get asked this a lot..so here goes a post about cloth diapers and how it works on the road
Some of you know that we use cloth diapers. Some of you don't. Many people think I am crazy to use cloth in the first place and then marvel or actually laugh at the fact that I do it and travel. Then they learn we don't have a real washing machine or a dryer and they kinda don't believe me. (Some of the details in this are for those of you that travel full-time visiting from families on the road blogs/sites and are wondering about space.)
I have many reasons for using them some of them being: the planet, the space to store several economy boxes of disposables, a kid with extremely sensitive skin (like as in he still breaks out with cloth), and we are saving a ton of money. So many websites have statistics and most say that you spend around $1700 to diaper a baby for around 30 months. We have spent about $200 on cloth total on the extremely high side. I have managed to purchase every diaper online and to only buy the diapers and inserts on sale or found them for buy one get one free so our cost is less than most. If you can deal with the minimum amount in the beginning this is how I suggest to build up your diapers. I read a lot about cloth and several people suggested to do this and it really helped ease me into cloth to make sure I could do it, liked the diapers, and saved us money. We also do not have the space to store a lot of cloth (much less disposables) so this keeps my "stash" low!
Cloth has come a long way from what your mama used. There are websites, blogs, and stores devoted to them. They have so many kinds on the market: All In Ones, Pockets, Hybrids, Flats, etc. It is overwhelming. I decided way before we had kids that I wanted to use cloth, so when the reality hit diapers were coming people thought I was crazy. This included Daniel. He wasn't really on board until he saw first hand the cost of diapers and how easy the cloth was to use. He was convinced he wasn't going to be able to "assemble" them.
Anyway here goes. This is how I am able to cloth diaper on the road. I have a bin in which I keep all the inserts, covers, wipes, and wet bags. I really do not have room for much more. Although Santa did bringing two new diapers for Christmas...so be jealous! :) We mainly use the Flips brand of diapers although we do have a few others in the mix. The Flip Diaper System is a flexible, hybrid cloth diapering system that provides options for every occasion.You can choose from a few varying kinds of inserts. The cover is one size meaning that is snaps open (bigger) as he grows and will adjust with him. Through trial and error I use a microfiber insert that lays easily inside the cover as well as, an organic flat or liner over it due to the extremely sensitive skin. I do have to change diapers more often with cloth as opposed to disposables because of the rash battle.
|Basic of basic pail kept in bathroom
|Filling up the Wonder Washer. It is stored and used in the bottom of the shower.
|Full of diaper inserts/covers and ready to go.
Anyway, there you have it. Yes it is a little more work for me but not much. Really, I am proof you can travel and cloth diaper. I completely understand that it is not for everyone however, many people have asked so I decided to do a post on it. We have been using disposals at night and have recently started playing around with using a disposable with a thin cloth diaper over it. I am so over wet sheets and jammies!! That said it is hard for me to even find room to store one box of disposables! LOL! I hope this helps those of you wondering about traveling with cloth. Let me know if you have more questions!
Posted by Basham at 11:20 PM 1 comments
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy Holidays and a Joyful New Year
Posted by Basham at 12:05 PM 0 comments


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1 February 2013
Looking north.
Next: Stumbling into a Syrian refugee camp
Previous: From the bridge over the Euphrates
What I do
I do communications coaching.
I specialize in preparing finance-sector clients for presentations to Board members and investors. My clients get projects approved and investments placed.
I have spent 50% of my adult life abroad, with stints living and working in China and in Turkey.
I have extensive international trade and operations experience, including supply chain management, ecommerce sales and customer service, and business communications coaching.
Other stuff:
Video shorts