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Places! is brought to you by Well Go USA Entertainment's Asian Movie Madness at Alamo Drafthouse featuring the film The Front Line on June 16, 2015.
Welcome to our weekly mega-list of performing arts happenings on TheaterJones! It covers a Thursday-to-Wednesday cycle and rounds up our picks for the best theater, classical music, opera, dance, comedy, spoken word/poetry and performing arts on film that are opening on North Texas stages and in movie theaters. Of all the local print and/or digital publications out there, it's the only weekly list of best bets that covers the range of performing arts—and only performing arts.
This week leads off with the second annual Dallas Solo Fest and the question WHY AREN'T YOU PEOPLE SUPPORTING ART LIKE THIS? (Sorry, little rant.) We also have a major production of a 20-year-old play by a Dallas writer; the opening of the 39th season for one of North Texas' most unique outfits, Hip Pocket Theatre in Fort Worth; celebrations of the piano and the cello; and see if you can spot an Oklahoma trend in this list (it helps if you read the profile of Brigham Mosley too).
This list doesn't have everything happening in this week's cycle, but we've hit the highlights. For more listings, click the red calendar button at the top right of the page, and then you'll see a search function where you can search for events by presenting company, venue, title, description, date range and more options.
Note: Theater productions that have opened in a previous cycle and are in the middle of the run are not in the list below, but you can find them in the listings (see paragraph above). When a show is in its final weekend, we'll mention it in the "Last Chance" section of Places!
Get out and support the arts!
Also, please take a moment to vote for TheaterJones to win a grant from Mission Main Street Grants. Vote here, and vote often.
Thursday, June 4 through Wednesday, June 10
1. Dallas Solo Fest
Audacity Theatre Lab | Margo Jones Theatre, Fair Park, Dallas
The second annual Dallas Solo Fest, presented by Audacity Theatre Lab, is at the Margo Jones Theatre. It features eight performances, four by locals and four by out-of-staters over two weeks. TheaterJones has a special section covering the festival, where you'll find interviews with the performers, schedules, reviews and more. Below is a quick rundown of the shows, with a link to the listing for each performance.
Oh, and Margo Jones Theatre is BYOB, and on Friday, June 5, TheaterJones is hosting a party before first curtain, between shows, and after. Say hello and have a special cocktail, courtesy of us. | June 4-14
A complete list of show synopses and schedules is here. Below, click on the play title to see more info about each; and click on the performer name to see an interview for the ones we have published so far.
- Mo[u]rnin'. After. by Brigham Mosley (Dallas)
- ...And Then I Woke Up by Kris Noteboom (Dallas)
- The Seriously Neurotic Dream of Mary Shelley by Carla Cackowski (Los Angeles)
- Tipped and Tipsy by Jill Vice (San Francisco)
- An American Asshole in France by Jeff Swearingen (Dallas)
- Standing Eight Count by Van Quattro (Dallas)
- Lord of the Files by Lesley Tsina (New York)
- '33: A Kabarett by Bremner Duthie (New Orleans)
2. Manicures & Monuments
WaterTower Theatre, Addison
WaterTower Theatre presents Dallas writer Vicki Caroline Cheatwood's Oklahoma-set comedy Manicures & Monuments. Why this is important: While local playwrights have always gotten produced by local theaters, having one of the major professional theaters do it is huge. Even better news: It has been happening more often in recent years, and the trend looks to continue. | Previews are June 5-7, opening night is June 8, and it runs through June 28
» Our interview with playwright Cheatwood, director Susan Sargeant and actors Pam Dougherty and Mikaela Krantz
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
3. The Enchanted Lake
Hip Pocket Theatre | Silver Creek Amphitheatre, Fort Worth
Hip Pocket Theatre's 39th season opens with Johnny Simons' The Enchanted Lake, which features original music by Darren Kobetich and some beloved characters and actors from Hip Pocket's history, including Michael Joe Goggans as Catfish Charlie, Peggy Bott Kirby as Ma Nature, Carmen Scott as Sylvie, Julie Ballew as Angel Puss, Jimmy Joe as Old Momo and Brian Cook as Young Momo. Expect musings on death and what's beyond. If you have never had the Hip Pocket experience before, take some time to check it out. | June 5-28
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
4. Precious Little
Echo Theatre | Bath House Cultural Center, Dallas
Echo Theatre presents Madeleine George's play Precious Little at the Bath House Cultural Center, directed by Kelsey Leigh Ervi and starring Sherry Jo Ward as a fortysomething lesbian linguist who finds out that the baby in her womb might have a genetic abnormality. | June 5-20
» Our interview with performer Sherry Jo Ward
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
5. Baron Vaughn
Amphibian Stage Productions, Fort Worth
Comedian Baron Vaughn, and star of the new Netflix sitcom Grace and Frankie, performs at Amphibian Stage Productions in Fort Worth. | June 5-6
» Our interview with Vaughn
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
6. PianoTexas International Academy & Festival
PianoTexas Institute | PepsiCo Recital Hall, Texas Christian University, Fort Worth
PianoTexas' annual festival brings recitals by top-name pianists and young artists. This year is all about the works of Chopin. The list of Distringuished Artists is below. | June 5-20
- 7:30pm Friday, June 5: Opening Concert in memory of Jose Feghali
- 7:30pm Saturday June 6: Eugen Indjic
- 7:30pm Friday June 12: Piotr Paleczny
- 7:30pm Saturday June 13: Dina Yoffe
- 7:30pm Friday June 19: Arie Vardi
- 7:30pm Saturday June 20: Dang Thai Son
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
7. Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike
Stage West, Fort Worth
Stage West presents Christopher Durang's Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike, a wickedly clever comedy of Chekhovian proportions. | Previews June 4-5, opens June 6 and runs through July 12
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
8. Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella
Dallas Summer Musicals | Music Hall at Fair Park
Dallas Summer Musicals presents the tour of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella at Music Hall at Fair Park, where it plays for two weeks before heading to Fort Worth's Bass Hall for another week | June 9-21
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
9. Lev Aronson Legacy Festival
Lev Aronson Legacy | Southern Methodist University, Dallas
The Lev Aronson Cello Festival returns at Southern Methodist University, in O'Donnell Hall in the Owen Fine Arts Center. There are workshops and events in the day, and concerts at 7 p.m. each night. Below is a list of concerts: | June 6-10
- Saturday, June 6 Opening Gala Concert: "Homage to Pablo Casals" Amit Peled, Cellist, Spencer Myer, Piano
- Sunday, June 7 Chris Adkins Recital Concert features Bach d minor Solo Cello Suite.
- Monday, June 8 Tom Landschoot – Recital Concert features music by Beethoven, Bruch and Franck.
- Tuesday, June 9 Recital - Brian Thornton, Cello, Emanuel Borok, violin, Spencer Myer, piano Performing music by Brahms, Piatti and Herbert.
- Wednesday, June 10 Open Classical presents "Just Add Cello!" Collaborations between Lev Aronson Festival cellists and local vocalists, composers and dancers, curated by the innovative Open Classical.
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
10. Mona Golabek
Dallas Holocaust Center | AT&T Performing Arts Center, Wyly Theatre
The concert pianist and author of The Children of Willesden Lane: Beyond the Kindertransport: A Memoir of Music Love, and Survival, puts on a one-woman piano concert and theatrical performance, which tells the story of her mother's survival experience during the Holocaust. | 7:30 p.m. Wednesday, June 10
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
11. Concerts in the Garden
Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra | Fort Worth Botanic Garden
Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra celebrates 25 years of Concerts in the Garden, with concerts on Thursdays-Sundays, and several special events for the July 4 holiday. | June 5-July 5
» See a listing of concerts here
12. Paul Jacobs
Dallas Symphony Orchestra Organ Recital Series | Morton H. Meyerson Symphony Center
The Dallas Symphony's organ recital series presents Paul Jacobs at the Meyerson Symphony Center on the Fisk Opus 100. | June 6
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Rob Little
Performs at Hyena's Comedy Night Club Dallas | June 4-7
Gary Owen
Plays the Addison Improv | June 4-7
Suite Surrender
The comedy by Michael McKeever presented by Rover Dramawerks, Plano | June 4-27
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Guy Torry
Performing at the Arlington Improv | June 4-7
Paul Varghese
The local comic plays Hyena's Comedy Night Club Fort Worth | June 4-7
Enchanted April
Matthew Barber's adaptation of the Elizabeth von Armim novel, presented by Denton Community Theatre at the Campus Theatre | June 5-14
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Ghost the Musical
The first locally produced staging of the musical based on the hit film Ghost, presented by Granbury Theatre Company at the Granbury Opera House | June 5-July 5
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Les Misérables
Presented by Sherman Community Players at the Finley Theater in Sherman | June 5-28
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Pump Boys and Dinettes
Presented by Theatre of the Square in Weatherford | June 5-21
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Star-Crossed Lovers
The Dallas Symphony presents music dedicated to Star-Crossed Lovers at Meyerson Symphony Center | June 5
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Terminal Cafe
Jackson's Theatre & Dance Company in Richardson presents Jon Tuttle's play | June 5-27
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Jim Jefferies
Comic Jim Jefferies comes to Majestic Theatre, Dallas | 8 p.m. June 6
Le Train Bleu Preview
Next weekend, Dallas Neo-Classical Ballet will recreate the Nijinska Ballet at the Dallas Museum of Art (look for more in Places next week), but you can catch a free preview and talk at the Dallas Public Library's J. Erik Jonsson Central Library on the fourth floor | 3 p.m. June 6
New Works Festival Readings
Kitchen Dog Theater's New Works Festival, its final one in the McKinney Avenue Contemporary, features play readings every Saturday through June 20. This week's readings are:
- Advent by Dallas playwright Montgomery Sutton, 1 p.m. June 6
- The Black Slot by Warren Hoffman, 4 p.m. June 6
» Our review of The Firestorm, the centerpiece production
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Swan Lake
Art Ballet Theatre presents Swan Lake at Truett Hall on the campus of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, Fort Worth. Starring Andrey Pridhodko as the Prince. | 5 p.m. June 6
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Vitruvian Salsa Festival
The Dance Council of North Texas presents its second annual Vitruvian Salsa Festival, every Saturday in June and July in Vitruvian Park, Addison, featuring bands and dancing | June 6-July 25
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Community Mic Night
Stage West's quarterly Storytellers Night has changed into this event, which features storytelling, music and more. Performers this time include Phyllis Cicero, Desiree Fultz, Justin Flowers, Stan Graner, Willy Welch and poet Brian Patrick McCarthy | 7 p.m. June 8 (dinner service begins at 6 p.m.)
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
King Lear
This production from Trinity Shakespeare Festival has its first preview at Texas Christian University, with David Coffee starring; it opens June 11 and runs in rotating repertory with Love's Labour's Lost. Look for more on the Trinity Shakes shows in next week's Places! | Through June 28
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Love's Labour's Lost
This production from Trinity Shakespeare Festival has its first preview at Texas Christian University; it opens June 12 and runs in rotating repertory with King Lear. Look for more on the Trinity Shakes shows in next week's Places! | Through June 28
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
The Aviary/Free Range
Join a group of playwrights, writers and actors read and talk about their latest work at the Gingerman in Lakewood, Dallas | 10 p.m. Mondays
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Mama's Party
Amy Stevenson hosts a sometimes weekly musical theater open mic event at the Uptown Theater in Grand Prairie
» More info
The Open Stage
Circus Freaks does a weekly open showcase of circus feats and other category-defying acts, from stand-up in costume to hula hooping opera singers to stripping poets at Celebration Event Center and Ballroom in Plano | 7 p.m. Mondays
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Open Classical
Bring an instrument (including your voice) and participate in this weekly classical music open mic, in locations in Dallas, Frisco and Fort Worth | See schedule below:
- 8 p.m. every Tuesday at Buzzbrews Kitchen on Lemmon Avenue in Dallas
- 8 p.m. first Monday of the month at Cedars Woodfire Grill, Frisco
- 8 p.m. second and fourth Thursday at Live Oak Music Hall & Lounge, Fort Worth
» Our listing, with times, ticket info, map and more
Each week we'll highlight at least one performance in a city outside of Dallas-Fort Worth that's still reasonably drivable. Because this is Texas, that means five hours or less, one way. So, look for recommendations in Houston, San Antonio, Austin, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, etc.
Oklahoma City Theater
We have three hot shows opening for you in OKC this weekend. Check it:
- Charlie Ross in One-Man Lord of the Rings at Oklahoma City Rep | June 4-7
- The terrific classics company Reduxion Theatre Company does Tennessee Williams' Cat on a Hot Tin Roof | June 5-27
- Oklahoma Shakespeare in the Park opens its summer season with The Winter's Tale | June 4-20
These productions will close this weekend
Buddy: The Buddy Holly Story
Presented by Casa Mañana, Fort Worth | Closes Sunday
Radio Golf
Presented by African American Repertory Theater as the final show in the first season of the AT&T Performing Arts Center's Elevator Project at the Wyly Theatre | Closes Sunday
True West / Speed-the-Plow
The Sam Shepard and David Mamet plays presented in rotating repertory by Fun House Theatre & Film at Plano Children's Theatre | Closes Saturday
» Our interview with real-life brothers Josh and Jeremy LeBlanc, who play the brothers in True West
Here are some must-see upcoming performances and events
- Fort Worth's Trinity Shakespeare Festival kicks up with King Lear and Love's Labour's Lost at Texas Christian University | June 11-28
- House Party Theatre presents True West at That That Gallery, Dallas | June 12-15
- The Lyric Stage season closes with a full-orchestra revival of South Pacific at the Irving Arts Center | June 12-21
- Garland Summer Musicals' season begins with West Side Story at the Granville Arts Center | June 12-21
- Shakespeare Dallas begins with Romeo and Juliet and The Complete Works of Shakespeare (Abridged) (Revised) at Samuell-Grand Amphitheatre at Tenison Park | June 17-July 25
- Circle Theatre in Fort Worth presents Bill C. Davis' Mass Appeal | June 18-July 18
- The Core Theatre in Richardson presents Portal to the Keep | June 18-July 11
- Theatre of North Texas, in Dallas, debuts with One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest | June 19-28
- Casa Mañana in Fort Worth presents Les Misérables | June 19-28
- Uptown Players presents The Nance at Kalita Humphreys Theater, Dallas | June 19-July 5
- Dallas Children's Theater brings back The Musical Adventures of Flat Stanley | June 19-July 12
- Cirque Dreams: Jungle Fantasy comes to AT&T Performing Arts Center's Winspear Opera House | June 19-21
- Dallas Summer Musicals presents the tour of Dirty Dancing at the Music Hall at Fair Park | June 23-July 5
- RatRace Productions presents Dutchman and Guilty or Not Here I Come at the Eisemann Center | June 25-28
- The Theatre Three season closes with the new musical The Kountry Girls | June 25-July 19
- AT&T Performing Arts Center's Off-Broadway on Flora series presents Love, Loss & What I Wore at the Wyly Theatre | June 25-27
- Ohlook Performing Arts in Grapevine begins its late night series with Dogfight | June 26-July 11
- Contemporary Theatre of Dallas revives Ladybug, Ladybug, Fly Away Home | June 26-July 19
- Shakespeare in the Bar does A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Wild Detectives in Oak Cliff | June 29
- Amphibian Stage Productions presents the world premiere of The Quixotic Days and Errant Nights of the Knight Errant Don Quixote | July 9-Aug. 2
- Dallas Neo-Classical Ballet presents Le Train Bleu at Dallas Museum of Art | June 13
- Dallas Flamenco Festival presents Fiesta Flamenca 3 at the Ochre House Theater in Exposition Park | June 13-14
- Bruce Wood Dance Project presents Five Year Celebration at Dallas City Performance Hall | June 19-20
- Ballet Concerto's Summer Dance Concert at Trinity Park Pavilion, Fort Worth | June 25-28
- Contemporary Dance/Fort Worth presents the 12th Annual Modern Dance Festival at the Modern | July 10-24
- The third A Gathering, an AIDS benefit performance presented by TITAS and featuring local dance, theater and music groups, returns to the Winspear Opera House | Aug. 28
- The Second Annual Dallas DanceFest is at Dallas City Performance Hall | Sept. 4-6
- Texas Ballet Theater's season opens with Ben Stevenson's Dracula at the AT&T Performing Arts Center's Winspear Opera House, featuring Dallas Symphony Orchestra | Sept. 4-6
- Ballet Folklórico de México de Amalia Hernadez comes to Verizon Theatre, Grand Prairie | Sept. 16
- Twyla Tharp's 50th Anniversary Tour opens TITAS' season at Winspear Opera House | Sept. 18-19
- The Turtle Creek Chorale presents "Turtle-y 80s" at Dallas City Performance Hall | June 12-14
- Musicians of the Dallas Symphony will perform a free benefit concert to raise money for Dallas CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) at SMU's Caruth Auditorium | 2:30 p.m. June 14
- Ensemble75 performs music by Berg, Schonberg and others at Goss-Michael Foundation, Dallas | 7 p.m. June 19
- The Dallas Symphony presents the music of John Williams at Meyerson Symphony Center | June 20
- The Van Cliburn Foundation's first Junior Piano Competition happens at TCU's Ed Landreth Auditorium | June 21-28
- The North Texas Symphony Orchestra performs Beethoven's Symphony No. 7 at Dallas City Performance Hall | June 21
- The Mimir Chamber Music Festival is at Texas Christian University, Fort Worth | July 2-11
- Dallas Winds presents A Star-Spangled Spectacular at the Meyerson Symphony Center | July 4
- Fine Arts Chamber Players' Basically Beethoven Festival returns to Dallas City Performance Hall | July 5-26
- Filarmónica Joven de Colombia opens the Classical Criterion Season for AT&T Performing Arts Center at the Winspear Opera House | July 9
- The Fort Worth Symphony season opens with the Classical Masters Festival at Bass Performance Hall | Aug. 28-30
- Dave Coulier comes to Hyena's Comedy Nightclub Dallas | June 11
- The Oak Cliff Film Festival is at the Texas Theatre and other venues | June 11-14
- Kathy Griffin plays the Majestic Theatre, Dallas | June 25
- The TruTV Impractical Jokers visits Verizon Theatre in Grand Prairie | June 27
- Bob Newhart comes to Verizon Theatre in Grand Prairie | July 10
- The Asian Film Festival of Dallas is at the Angelika Film Center | July 10-17
- Hyena's Comedy Nightclub in Plano opens | July 16
- Kevin Hart is at American Airlines Center | Aug. 14
- "Weird" Al Yankovic: The Mandatory World Tour visits Verizon Theatre in Grand Prairie | Aug. 21
- Comic Patton Oswalt comes to Majestic Theatre, Dallas | Sept. 12
- Nerdist guru Chris Hardwick comes to Majestic Theatre, Dallas | Sept. 18
» For complete listings of what's happening on North Texas stages, click on the calendar icon at the top right of the page. Once there, you can click the red "Search the Calendar" box, and search for listings by dates, performance type, the presenting company, titles or descriptions. For instance, type "Shakespeare" into the description field, click SEARCH and you'll find a host of performances (theater, dance, music, etc.) by, adapted from or about the Bard.


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A Black Friday market in Boyle Heights, a fest for lady comedians, a Christmas parade in East L.A. and lots more to do post-Thanksgiving.
fri 11/25
"Shop local" is a common refrain this time of year, but now that an evil billionaire is president, it feels more important than ever to stick it to his CEO buddies by putting our money where our mouths are. Shopping goes hyper-local at ¡AyE! Boyle Heights: Alternative to Black Friday Marketplace, Leadership for Urban Renewal Network's art and crafts market for local makers and artists. The impressive roster of vendors offers everything from jewelry and leather goods to nail decals and hand-sewn plush dolls to elotes to snack on. Stretch your holiday shopping dollars and feel good about whose pockets they ended up in. City Labs Boyle Heights, 553 S. Clarence St., Boyle Heights; Fri., Nov. 25, noon-4 p.m.; free with RSVP. ayeboyleheights.splashthat.com. —Gwynedd Stuart
Return to those chortlesome days of yesteryear at the Laurel & Hardy Festival, screening some of the comic duo's best short films, both silent and sound. Many of these shorts were shot right here in Southern California — everywhere from Echo Park to Cheviot Hills to Highland Park — and the decades-strong enthusiasm in keeping Stan and Ollie topmost in the comedy pantheon is thanks directly to the support of venues like the Music Hall. As always, each show starts with a selection of American popular favorites played on the Mighty Wurlitzer, accompanied by a faintly mortifying audience sing-along. Old Town Music Hall, 140 Richmond St., El Segundo; Fri., Nov. 25, 8:15 p.m.; Sat., Nov. 26, 2:30 & 8:15 p.m.; Sun., Nov. 27, 2:30 p.m.; $10, $8 seniors. (310) 322-2592, oldtownmusichall.org/films.html. —David Cotner
If you're done giving thanks for our country — or what's left of it, at least — and have some mashed potatoes to spare, consider partaking in Cinefamily's Delicatessen post-Thanksgiving leftovers potluck. Marc Caro and Jean-Pierre Jeunet's film may not be appetizing in and of itself, what with the postapocalyptic vibe and evil butcher whose choice cuts are all of the human variety, but with the way things appear to be headed it may be wise to be ahead of the cannibalistic curve. Cinefamily/Silent Movie Theatre, 611 N. Fairfax Ave., Fairfax; Fri., Nov. 25, 8 p.m.; $12. (323) 655-2510, cinefamily.org. —Michael Nordine
There is, of course, a remake of The Crow in the works, which means you've only so much time to take a mental snapshot of the original before the new version alters your perception of it. You can do so at the Nuart, where the film that has become a sort of living tribute to star Brandon Lee (who famously died during production when a gun that was supposed to be loaded with blanks fired a live round) screens on 35mm. Though hardly an upbeat enterprise, The Crow offers its own noirish sense of optimism by reminding us that "buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever." Nuart Theatre, 11272 Santa Monica Blvd., West L.A.; Fri., Nov. 25, 11:59 p.m.; $11. (310) 473-8530, landmarktheatres.com. —Michael Nordine
sat 11/26
If you're looking for some post-election-and-Thanksgiving commiserating, the Hammer Museum invites you to Women's Center for Creative Work: Thank You for This Community — A Dinner at the Hammer. The Frogtown-based feminist nonprofit hosts programs, performances and workshops for fellow creative and professional females, everything from yoga to theater to auto shop classes, as well as a feminist library. For tonight's gathering, the collective's founders and members invite nine other local projects and organizations — Sewing Rebellion, Everything Is Medicine, Thank You for Coming, Decolonize L.A., Las Fotos Project, Project Q, Mujeres de Maiz, Honey Power and Craftswoman House — each of which takes charge of some aspect of the meal, whether it's the food, decorations or entertainment. More than just breaking bread, the evening is also a discussion on "our individual communities and the layering of them to create a larger feminist and creative community in Los Angeles." Hammer Museum, 10899 Wilshire Blvd., Westwood; Sat., Nov. 26, 2-5 p.m.; free, RSVP required. (310) 443-7000, hammer.ucla.edu/programs-events. —Siran Babayan
J.K. Rowling is credited with being one of the most creative minds in modern literature — but she never managed to come up with a Small Business Saturday event that would benefit the independent merchants of Diagon Alley, did she? The day after Black Friday, Geeky Teas & Games in Burbank hosts the Diagon Alley–Style Small Business Saturday, a market for people who wish they were wizards. Attendees — who are encouraged to wear their school uniforms — can browse Potter-themed wares by local crafters, and then hang out for Potter trivia and a sandwich from the Grilled Cheese Truck. Let the muggles have the mall. Geeky Teas & Games, 2120 W. Magnolia Blvd., Burbank; Sat., Nov. 26, 11 a.m.-5 p.m.; free. facebook.com/events/1118559618238869. —Gwynedd Stuart
Actor Stephen Kramer Glickman, visually self-described as "Kingpin from Daredevil crossed with Grumpy Cat" yet surprisingly affable, co-starred for five years on Nickelodeon's Big Time Rush and voiced Pigeon Toady in the animated feature Storks. Nonetheless, stand-up remains his true love, the craft from which he created The Night Time Show, a monthly extravaganza delivering guest stand-ups, nontraditional acts, an offbeat backing band, interstitial videos, audience contest giveaways and Glickman, seated behind a desk, conducting interviews. This month's show features Brody Stevens, Quincy Jones, Jimmy O. Yang and other heavy hitters, a karate demonstration and free Fireball shots. Hollywood Improv, 8162 Melrose Ave., Hollywood; Sat., Nov. 26, 10 p.m.; $10. (323) 651-2583, hollywood.improv.com. —Adam Gropman
John Cassavetes is better remembered for his work behind the camera than he is for what he did in front of it — he mostly took acting gigs as a means of financing his independent productions — and the New Beverly is offering a chance to see both. First up is Gloria, quite possibly the most accessible film Cassavetes ever directed, followed by Machine Gun McCain. The former stars his wife and frequent collaborator Gena Rowlands (who earned an Oscar nomination) as a woman on the run from the mob; the latter also concerns organized crime, with Cassavetes as a recently released prisoner who quickly gets back to his old ways. New Beverly Cinema, 7165 Beverly Blvd., Fairfax; Sat., Nov. 26, 7 p.m.; $8. (323) 938-4038, thenewbev.com. —Michael Nordine
It would be forgivable if, as an Angeleno, you've never actually sung in the rain. Passing up a chance to see Singin' in the Rain on 35mm, however, is a much more serious offense. While it's true that musicals aren't for everybody (including, for what it's worth, this writer), Gene Kelly and Stanley Donen's is an all-timer that transcends genre and demands to be seen on the big screen. If said screen happens to be part of a historic movie theater that's as much a Hollywood institution as the film itself, all the better. Egyptian Theatre, 6712 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood; Sat., Nov. 26, 7:30 p.m.; $11. (323) 466-3456, americancinemathequecalendar.com. —Michael Nordine
A new member joins the clan in Addams Family Values, which marks Cinespia's return to the Palace Theatre. Though not the kind of fare one tends to associate with 105-year-old movie palaces, the film is, like its glorious venue, a reminder of a bygone era — and, in times like these, nostalgia might be the purest form of escapism. The morbid proceedings will, of course, be complemented by a DJ and themed photo booth, so get your pigtails and lightbulbs ready. Palace Theatre, 630 S. Broadway, downtown; Sat., Nov. 26, 9 p.m. (doors at 7:30); $20–$45. (213) 553-4567, cinespia.org. —Michael Nordine
sun 11/27
It's not beginning to look at all like Christmas on the streets of L.A., but for a little while, Whittier Boulevard in East Los Angeles will be decidedly more seasonal. The East Los Angeles Christmas Parade, one of the longest-running Christmas parades for the Latino community, has returned to march down Whittier from Eastern Avenue to Goodrich Boulevard, bringing the classic assortment of parade participants, like marching bands, floats, car clubs and maybe even the odd celebrity. After the parade, expect a holiday festival with music, food and more. Whittier Blvd., East Los Angeles; Sun., Nov. 27, noon-5 p.m.; free. elachristmasparade.com. —Gwynedd Stuart
Nobody's perfect, but some movies come close. Some Like It Hot is one of them, a lively comedy from the masterful Billy Wilder whose lighthearted setup belies its staying power. And if you weren't aware that Marilyn Monroe's bombshell status was owed at least in part to some serious comedic chops, make haste to the Aero and see what you've been missing. Aero Theatre, 1328 Montana Ave., Santa Monica; Sun., Nov. 27, 7:30 p.m.; $11. (323) 466-3456, americancinemathequecalendar.com. —Michael Nordine
mon 11/28
While New York City may have the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, Los Angeles has its own holiday tree-lighting tradition at the Music Center Plaza. This year, the official L.A. County Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony features Christmas music from the versatile five-piece ensemble Brass Pacifica, as well as melodies from the Antelope Valley Master Chorale. And, as if the dazzling lights and dizzying tunes weren't enough, this free event further warms the cockles of our cold, dead hearts with free hot chocolate for everyone. Music Center Plaza, 135 N. Grand Ave., downtown; Mon., Nov. 28, 5 p.m.; free. (213) 972-7211, musiccenter.org/events/special-events/la-county-tree-lighting. —Tanja M. Laden
Octavia E. Butler was the foremost female African-American science-fiction writer; her dozen novels earned two Hugo Awards as well as making her the first sci-fi writer to receive a MacArthur "genius" grant. Butler's science fiction was disquietingly mind-expanding stuff, with African-American characters who search otherworldly dimensions for insights into Earthbound matters of race, power and the true nature of humanity. Let It Be Known: Short Films Inspired by Octavia E. Butler is a program of experimental films by artists including Jamilah Sabur, Lauren Kelley, Buki Bodunrin, Ezra Claytan Daniels, Suné Woods, Ariel Jackson and Wura-Natasha Ogunji. REDCAT, 631 W. Second St., downtown; Mon., Nov. 28, 8:30 p.m.; $11, $8 students & members, $6 CalArts students/faculty/staff. (213) 237-2800, redcat.org. —John Payne
tue 11/29
The Do Good Bus is a restored 1976 Crown Coach that takes riders on community-minded expeditions throughout Los Angeles in order to effect change. The exact nature of the specific trip usually is under wraps in order to add an element of mystery and encourage open-mindedness, but past excursions have addressed homelessness, at-risk youth, animal welfare and disaster relief. In an effort to balance out the consumer-oriented Black Friday and Cyber Monday customs, GivingTuesday Do Good Bus invites guests to take part in a new tradition that focuses on giving back, hopefully setting an altruistic tone for the rest of the holiday season. Metro Expo Line, Culver City Station Park & Ride, 8817 W. Washington Blvd., Culver City; Tue., Nov. 29, 9:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m.; $45 (includes lunch). (310) 853-8355, dogoodbus.com/ride-with-us-2/public-rides. —Tanja M. Laden
Wes Anderson has penned more than his fair share of memorable lines over the last two decades, few of which cut to the core like this one from Moonrise Kingdom: "I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about." This tale of young love, the kind that reacts to and rebels against the adult world around it, manages to feel both beautifully rose-tinted and painfully realistic. ArcLight Hollywood, 6360 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood; Tue., Nov. 29, 8:15 p.m.; $15.75. (323) 464-1478, arclightcinemas.com. —Michael Nordine
wed 11/30
Donald Trump is president-elect, but the third annual Funny Women Festival is harnessing the power of 600-plus female comedians to prove the joke's on misogyny. Organized by Lauren Frost and Erin Miller Williams of sketch group Cake Batter, the four-day festival stages stand-up, improv, sketches, musical comedy, storytelling, film and video screenings by both emerging and veteran performers — some with names like The Boobé Sisters, The Pippa Middletons and Size Matters — as well as industry panels meant not just for up-and-coming comedians but for all female artists. Past performers have included Mary Lynn Rajskub, Wendi McLendon-Covey, The Office's Angela Kinsey and Kate Flannery, Grey's Anatomy's Kate Walsh and Frangela. Following last year's event at iO West, this year's shows will take over a good chunk of Highland Park at venues including the Hi Hat, Sonny's Hideaway and Highland Theater. A portion of the proceeds benefit the Downtown Women's Center, a nonprofit that provides services to homeless women. The Hi Hat, 5043 York Blvd., Highland Park; Wed., Nov. 30, 8-11 p.m. (also Thu., Dec. 1-Sat., Dec. 3); $10. (818) 917-7242, funnywomenfestla.com. —Siran Babayan
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When singer Tom Gabel of the punk band Against Me! announced in 2012 that he was transitioning to life as a woman and adopting a new name, Laura Jane Grace, much of the often-conservative rock establishment supported the vocalist's bold change into a more intrinsically authentic identity. It was only then, however, that Grace realized just how difficult life as a transgender woman would be, as her evolution seriously affected her relationships with friends and family. In an incisive new autobiography, Tranny: Confessions of Punk Rock's Most Infamous Anarchist Sellout, co-written by Dan Ozzi, Grace bravely peels back the layers of her life as a troubled army brat who didn't shy away from her gender dysphoria on her journey to becoming a punk-rock icon. Book Soup presents Grace discussing her book. Renberg Theatre, 1125 N. McCadden Place, Hollywood; Wed., Nov. 30, 7 p.m.; $32.70 (includes a copy of the book). (310) 659-3110, booksoup.com. —Falling James
thu 12/1
L.A. is probably one of the few places where it's possible to ice skate in 72-degree weather. Now, the biggest ice rink in the city is adding another perk with a spin on the classical ice-skating tradition. Silent Night Skate Party is a brand-new ice-skating experience that has headphoned skaters moving to the tunes of three different music channels. Onlookers can watch people moving around in silence from the VIP Igloo, while skaters take breaks to pose for pictures in front of L.A. artist Kasey Blaustein's angel-wings mural. Costumes are encouraged, adding yet another fun (albeit surreal) dimension to the whole experience of quietly skating in silence in warm weather. Holiday Ice Rink Pershing Square, 532 S. Olive St., downtown; Thu., Dec. 1, 7-8 p.m. & 8:30-9:30 p.m.; $9 general admission, $4 skate rental. (213) 624-4289, holidayicerinkdowntownla.com. —Tanja M. Laden
As part of Central Library's ALOUD lecture series, writer-director David France discusses his new book, How to Survive a Plague: The Inside Story of How Citizens and Science Tamed AIDS, with Dr. Mark H. Katz and writer-activist Tony Valenzuela. France, a contributing editor for New York magazine and former senior editor for Newsweek, covered the outbreak of the disease from the beginning. (He also wrote Our Fathers, about the sex-abuse scandal in the Catholic Church, which was adapted into a 2005, Emmy-nominated Showtime movie.) France's memoir is a companion to his excellent, Oscar-nominated 2012 documentary How to Survive a Plague, which chronicled the founding of ACT UP and TAG (Treatment Action Group) in New York, and how its activists fought not only the government and pharmaceutical companies but a homophobic society to get access to effective drug treatments at the height of the epidemic during the mid-1980s. Los Angeles Central Library, Mark Taper Auditorium, 630 W. Fifth St., downtown; Thu., Dec. 1, 7:15 p.m.; free. (213) 228-7500, lfla.org/calendar/category/aloud. —Siran Babayan


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Poet (Spoken Word Artist), film-maker, educator, producer and activist.
Sheri-D Wilson has 7 collections of poetry; her most recent, Autopsy of a Turvy World (2008, Frontenac House), was launched in 2008. Her last collection, Re:Zoom (2005, Frontenac House), won the 2006 Stephan G. Stephansson Award for Poetry, and was shortlisted for the CanLit award. She has 2 Spoken Word CDs (arranged by Russell Broom), and 4 award-winning VideoPoems: Airplane Paula (2001), Spinsters Hanging in Trees (2002), Surf Rave Girrly Girrl (2004), and The Panty Portal (2008), all produced for BravoFACT.
Awards Include:
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Reading Highlights:
Blue Met 2008 (Montreal), Voix d'Amériques 2008,'05 (Montreal), Bumbershoot 2003, '99, '92, '91, '89 (Seattle), Vancouver International Writers Festival 2002, '00, '95, '93, '90 (Vancouver), The World Poetry Bout 2002 (Taos, New Mexico), Poetry Africa 2001 (South Africa), WordFest 2008, 2000, '95 (Calgary, Banff), Harbourfront Reading Series 1993 (Toronto), Small Press Festival 1990 (NYC).
Other Highlights:
Women and Words, 2003-2007 (instructor), First Time Eyes: Unearthing Spoken Word, 2007 essay (Canadian Theatre Review), Heart of a Poet, 2006, featured poet documentary series, Bowery Project, 2005 (Instructor), Alberta Scene, 2005 (a commemoration of Alberta's centennial), Human Rights Symposium 2005: Victoria, Sounds Like Canada, 2002 CBC Poet in Residence, Addicted: Notes From The Belly Of The Beast, 2001 essay entitled Blackout, Confessions a Jazz Play, 1991 text of play (Theatrum). Of the beat tradition, in 1989 Sheri-D studied at Naropa University's Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics, in Boulder, Colorado.
Since founding the Calgary International Spoken Word Festival in 2003, Sheri-D has worked at quantum velocities to present the largest Spoken Word Festival in Canada. Driven by the passion to connect people, voices and ideas she organized SWAN (Spoken Word Arts Network, 2007, 2005), produced the 2008 National Slam of Canada and is the Program Director of the Spoken Word Program at Banff Centre.


text:
Melissa Heisler is a recovering Type A. After ten years managing and directing theatrical productions and seventeen years in corporate marketing, the stress of high-pressure, deadline-driven jobs led to her own ill health, mentally and physically. This started her search for a long-lasting means of approaching each situation with ease, contentment, and power. She developed her system for managing stress and has been leading a more peaceful life ever since. In her coaching, Melissa uses this system again and again to guide professionals to live better. She has a master's degree in integrated marketing communication.
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text:
The Donahues Episode 67
Reads: 161 | Likes: 0 | Shelves: 0 | Comments: 0
Script by: NEONETWORK
"It's not so much a closet as it is a prison. A cell where your mind takes over. It tells you you're wrong. That no one will like you. No one will accept you. It's a disease that you're forcing upon everyone. Everyone you love. That won't ever love you back. So you stay in your prison"
- Damian Leonard
(We start with Ryan, Ethan and Kimberly sitting around a table in the kitchen)
RYAN: Dad, mom, I just wanted to take this opportunity to officially come out.
(Zoom out to reveal Jacob with a gong and a gong slammer. He slams the gong, making a loud gong noise. Ethan and Kimberly look confused)
ETHAN: Wait…you haven't already officially come out as bisexual?
RYAN: Um, no, not technically.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, I guess we just assumed.
ETHAN: It's like, it didn't have to be said really, it just kind of vaguely upsets me.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, I mean, are we supposed to cry or something?
ETHAN: Ask God to give us our son back? I don't know.
KIMBERLY: I'm unsure of how to react to this.
RYAN: You don't have to react in a visceral manner, I am just coming out officially as bisexual because I joined the GSA.
ETHAN: And what is that, pray tell?
RYAN: It is the Gay-Straight Alliance of Hansbay High, where gays and straights come together to support teen members of the LGBTQ community in coming to terms with their lesbianism, gayness, bisexuality, transgenderism and whatever the Q stands for.
JACOB: Quilt, I think?
RYAN: Probably not.
ETHAN: I think such an organization is reprehensible! We should not be forcing gay kids to come out of the closet; we should be encouraging them to make a home in the closet. Gays are good at interior decorating, right? Put some nice drapes in that closet, make it real cozy.
KIMBERLY: What inspired you to join the GSA?
RYAN: When President Obama mentioned the Stonewall Riots in his inaugural speech, I felt compelled to help kids who may not be as comfortable with their sexuality as I am to come out.
KIMBERLY: Well I think that's very admirable of you, Ryan.
RYAN: Thanks, mom.
ETHAN: Homosexuality is a choice. Straight-up, simps.
JACOB: Did you just say "simps"?
RYAN: What are you still doing here and where did you get that gong?
JACOB: I'm renting it from DePinto. Apparently it was a gift from a Vietnamese woman he had an affair with.
RYAN: During his service in Vietnam?
JACOB: No silly, she worked at a nail salon.
RYAN: Well, just go, mom, dad and I are talking.
JACOB: Fine, I need to go anyway, I'm meeting up with Kirsten.
KIMBERLY: Really?
JACOB: Yeah, she has this theatre meet and I'm going to crash it, because I don't think it's fair that Ryan gets to talk to her in KDGM more than I ever get to talk to her. We can still be friends, right?
ETHAN: Yeah, just don't bring the gong.
JACOB: It punctuates my salient points!
(Jacob hits the gong)
ETHAN: It's just dreadful.
JACOB: Fine!
(Jacob walks away. Cut to Kirsten in theatre class with Preston, Natasha and others. Ms. Marshall is talking to them, clearly drunk)
MS. MARSHALL: If we don't put on a GREAT show , we're fffffucked!
NATASHA: We're not putting on a show, we're welcoming foreign exchange students.
MS. MARSHALL: Oh yeah. He browny kid, where are you from?
INDIAN KID: I'm from India.
MS. MARSHALL: Are there gravity there?
INDIAN KID: It's not, space. It's on Earth only!
BRITISH KID: (British accent) I'm very excited to be here. Very excited indeed.
BRITISH CHICK: (British accent) I rather think this whole school's in a fairly putrid condition.
BRITISH KID: Sis, this school has treated us with kindness.
BRITISH CHICK: They can shove it up their arses, I don't need kindess. What I need is a cigarette.
MS. MARSHALL: I like this bitch. She's no-nonsense!
KIRSTEN: She's rude.
MS. MARSHALL: NONSENSE! Get her, British chick!
BRITISH KID: I have a name, you drunken twat. It's Tammy.
KIRSTEN: Don't you talk to other teachers and don't they notice you're drunk?
MS. MARSHALL: I can sober myself up on a dime! It's called (She holds up a cup of coffee) coffee!
KIRSTEN: Wow, that smells strongly of rum.
MS. MARSHALL: I like my sugar with coffee and rum! Beastie Boys. (Jacob walks in) Fuck, let's recess.
(Ms. Marshall walks away as Kirsten walks up to Jacob)
KIRSTEN: What are you doing here?
JACOB: I'm here to see you. You haven't been answering my texts, and I also found out your hanging out with my brother, so the jealousy bug bit me, I'm sorry.
KIRSTEN: Jacob, we're not "hanging out", the only talking we ever do in KDGM is when he asks me to get off the computer so I can edit and I say "sure" and then I get off and he says "thanks".
JACOB: That's a lovely conversation I would have with you any day.
KIRSTEN: Jacob, why now?
JACOB: What are you doing?
KIRSTEN: We're introducing the foreign exchange students to the theatre program. They're learning about our country and we theirs.
JACOB: It looks like they're fine without you.
TAMMY: Hey Kirsten, when's eats?
KIRSTEN: Later, Tammy.
(Tammy gets up and walks over to Jacob and Kirsten)
TAMMY: I'm gonna take a smoke outside.
(Tammy walks past them and leaves)
JACOB: Can she uh…do that?
KIRSTEN: Can my theatre teacher drink herself to death in front of us?
JACOB: Can you talk to me occasionally?
KIRSTEN: You broke up with me, Jacob!
JACOB: So that means I have the power to get back together with you.
KIRSTEN: But Jacob, I'm still going to Canada in seven months!
JACOB: God, that's right. Who are you going to date in Canada, huh? French guy or polite, bewildered moose hunter perpetually giving strangers directions?
KIRSTEN: I mean, we broke up three months ago and things have been relatively tranquil since, why now?
JACOB: I don't know…about a month ago I guess I banged Barbara. But I was thinking of you the whole time.
KIRSTEN: Spare me the tales of your sexual escapades with coked-up hipster whores.
JACOB: Hey, she is not coked up! She is a hipster whore, but she is not coked up!
KIRSTEN: Well, I don't mean to be hurtful, but I've gotten over you. We never really connected on an intellectual level and we can still be friends, but…I'm sorry.
JACOB: (Clearly hurt) Fine…that's fine. We're fine. I'm gonna go. I have a headache. I have two headaches. Bye. What's that? Bye. (Jacob leaves and Kirsten stands there, feeling bad for him. Cut to Jacob walking outside the theatre room. He then walks outside the school back doors and sees Tammy is leaning against a wall and smoking a cigarette. Jacob stops and walks over to her) You know, you could get in real trouble for that.
TAMMY: Suppose I can't drink neither?
JACOB: Yeah, you can't. You're not twenty-one.
TAMMY: I'm eighteen, which means I can smoke and drink with immunity.
JACOB: I'm eighteen too, but it's school property.
TAMMY: It's my property.
JACOB: So, you're from England, huh?
TAMMY: Yeah, what of it?
JACOB: I heard it's-
TAMMY: I'm not a dyke if that's what you think.
JACOB: I didn't think that.
TAMMY: People see a badass British chick who smokes and hates everyone, they assume that I just hate men, well they're wrong. Don't hate the penis, hate the game.
JACOB: I see. Well I heard England has great…food.
TAMMY: You're wrong then. England is the only place in the world that has no redeemable quality when it comes to food.
JACOB: Yeah…so um, do you have a boyfriend back home?
TAMMY: Are you tuggin' my dick?
JACOB: I'm not.
TAMMY: I don't date those Harry Potter-lookin' cunts up in England. Either they're Ron Wesley or fat imbeciles with bad teeth.
JACOB: Well, here in America we have fat imbeciles with good teeth.
TAMMY: In Britain, we call that Adele.
(Jacob smiles)
JACOB: Yeah.
TAMMY: So what kinda bloke are you?
JACOB: I'm a bloke?
TAMMY: Yeah, are you a hash bloke or a chav bloke?
JACOB: I don't know the words that you're saying.
TAMMY: I saw a goth bloke earlier, looked like you but with longer, blacker hair and tight trousers.
JACOB: That's probably my brother.
TAMMY: If that's the brother what I had I would punch him in the mouth for dressing and acting like a twat.
JACOB: Why do British people love that word so much?
TAMMY: T"was my first word, mate.
JACOB: So now you're Australian Shakespeare?
(Kirsten opens the door and pokes her head outside)
KIRSTEN: Hey, Tammy, we need you back in here so we can create the virtual United Nations.
TAMMY: It'll be a hell of a lot more powerful than the actual United Nations, I'll tell ya that much. Anyway, maybe I'll see you around-um…
JACOB: Jacob.
TAMMY: Jacob, cheerio.
(Tammy puts her cigarette out on her forehead, much to Kirsten's disgust and then Tammy walks inside while Kirsten appears suspicious. Kirsten then closes the door. Cut to Rob pulling into the Donahue driveway at the same time the cashier girl from TDEP66 pulls into her driveway next to him. They both get out and see each other)
ROB: Don't I know you?
CASHIER CHICK: Yes, we met at the Not Eckerd's a few days ago.
ROB: Yeah, God, why aren't their Eckerds' anymore?
CASHIER CHICK: I don't know, but after six years people still aren't used to it.
ROB: And they shouldn't be! Wait, so you live right here?
CASHIER CHICK: Yes.
ROB: That's awesome. Did you move here recently?
CASHIER CHICK: Uh…nope, I have lived here for twenty-two years I think.
ROB: Really? I've lived here for six months and I just noticed you.
CASHIER CHICK: Well, you rarely emerge from your rage quit dungeon to see the light of day.
ROB: (Laughs) Yeah, I do play pretty loud. Also, I've never finished a game because of how often I rage quit, same with movies.
CASHIER CHICK: You rage quit movies?
ROB: Yeah, who was the real Spartacus?
CASHIER CHICK: I don't know, but I'm pretty into gaming too.
ROB: Okay, don't bullshit me. Game Stop has been trying to convince me for years that hot gamer chicks exist, but I have always thought it too good to be true.
CASHIER CHICK: It's true. I have Angry Birds and a Wii.
ROB: Jesus…
CASHIER CHICK: Oh my God, I'm totally kidding, I have Gears of War, League of Legends, Fallout, MineCraft and DOTA, among others.
ROB: (Laughter of relief) That's awesome, you totally convinced me you were a casual fag!
CASHIER CHICK: Like, a guy who dabbles in cocksucking as a hobby?
ROB: No, it's-
CASHIER CHICK: I'm kidding, I know what casual gaming is.
ROB: (Laughs) Okay. Well-
CASHIER CHICK: Well-go ahead.
ROB: I will. You go, though.
CASHIER CHICK: Alright, um, so I'll probably see you at Not Eckerd's every once and again.
ROB: Yeah, definitely. What was your name again?
CASHIER CHICK: My name's Jamie.
ROB: Oh, well, mine's Kelly.
JAMIE: Wow, we both have those non-gender specific names.
ROB: My name's actually Rob, I just didn't want you to feel alone.
JAMIE: (Laughs) Okay. I'll see you around.
ROB: Yeah. Nice talking to you. Bye.
JAMIE: Bye.
(Rob and Jamie both walk into their respective households. Cut to Rob closing the front door of his house and breathing a sigh of relief)
ROB: That was so awesome, but I'm so glad it's over.
(Ethan walks over wearing a suit and drinking coffee)
ETHAN: What's got ya so flustered, sport?
ROB: Well, Mr. D, there's this girl who lives next door that I like. We had a conversation and it was nice, but I'm not sure where to go from here.
ETHAN: Tell her you like her bangs. Women love compliments!
ROB: She doesn't have bangs.
ETHAN: Oh. Well, tell her to get bangs. Women love advice.
ROB: Do they?
ETHAN: I advised Kimberly to white strip her teeth back in '92 and she broke up with me, and then I got married to another girl named Kimberly.
ROB: That doesn't seem like good advice-
ETHAN: Rob, I have to get back to work.
ROB: Hey, you owe me! Remember the hug?
ETHAN: I remember the hug. Look, Rob, if you want help from me on this woman you're trying to court, you've got to court the way my grandfather Nicholas Donahue taught me while he was succumbing to the effects of Alzheimer's
ROB: ...And those are?
ETHAN: He couldn't remember, but I assume it was the ol' Southern way. Be a Southern gentleman. Invest in a white suit, flowers, a southern drawl and of course, the biggest bowtie this side of the Mississippi.
ROB: Yeah, except we're on the Northern side of the Mississippi, we live in Vermont, not Georgia.
ETHAN: Fine, why don't I cancel your WoW account?
ROB: There aren't enough remotes in the world for me to shove up my ass if you do that, please don't!
ETHAN: Then trust me.
ROB: …Fine. (Cut to Rob in a white suit and bowtie in Ethan's room while Ethan stands nearby) Actually, this is kind of nice.
ETHAN: I told you. Remember, you love those tuxes, I knew you were going to love these.
ROB: I feel like I should be hospitable to somebody or own an exploitative oil venture.
ETHAN: Totally. Now you've got to adapt a southern drawl.
ROB: I feel like that's too much.
ETHAN: It's not enough!
ROB: If it's not enough than really southern me out!
(Ethan takes out a confederate flag)
ROB: Okay, that might be too much.
ETHAN: Just go and take what's yours like Stonewall Jackson! And I don't mean the gay bar!
ROB: Alright.
(Rob walks away. Cut to Ryan, Michael, Brennan, Sarah, Alex, Lance, John, Ross and others sitting in a circle in a classroom. One kid, who has dark brown hair, a purple V-neck and slim-fit black jeans with purple VANS begin speaking)
GAY KID: (Feminine voice) Alright everybody, I hereby call to order the first meeting of the Hansbay High Gay-Straight Alliance. First of all, I don't mean to be a bitch, but I totally do. We need to change our name to the United Susan G. Komen's Gay-Straight-Lesbian-Transgender-Bicurious-Bisexual-Bicentennial-Transfat-Bi-cycle Alliance for the Cure, LLC.
ROSS: Do we have the endorsement of Susan G. Komen?
ALEX: Would you rather it be called Tyler Perry's House of Gay-Straight Alliance you fucking-
RYAN: STOP. Who invited the racist gays? Samuel?
SAMUEL: (Gay kid) The USGKGSLTBBBTBAW accepts all kinds of gays, even those who are intolerant.
RYAN: Whatever, I think we should focus on helping kids who have yet to come out of the sheer prison that is the closet. When I first came out as a bisexual three years ago, I was terrified that people were going to ostracize me from the community. Turns out I was already ostracized and everybody already figured that I was bi, so it wasn't a big deal, BUT not everyone is as lucky as I am. Is there anyone here today that is having trouble coming out? (Timid looking kid raises his hand) Timid looking kid, go.
TIMID LOOKING KID: My name is Tim.
RYAN: Tim-id, maybe.
SARAH: Could you not be an asshole for a second?
RYAN: Sorry.
TIM: Well, my name is Timothy Ivan Doris, so I get that a lot, anyway, I first discovered I was a homosexual, like most kids, at a basketball game.
MICHAEL: Naturally
TIM: The cheerleaders were doing their routines, and I know that's supposed to illicit arousal, but I was only aroused by the male cheerleader.
BRENNAN: Not the players?
TIM: No, the players were too tall and gaunt. I wanted to ask the male cheerleader out so bad, but I hadn't come out yet and I wasn't sure if he was gay or not.
RYAN: Really? You weren't sure?
TIM: Bush was a male cheerleader!
RYAN: Yeah, and he got hot and heavy with Tony Blair, if you remember.
TIM: I don't remember anything from the Bush administration unless it comes out through hypnosis.
ROSS: You know Tim, when I feel lost and alone or sinking like a stone, carry on-
RYAN: Stop quoting Mumford and Sons.
ROSS: Sorry. Anyway, I go and see men of God.
RYAN: Bad idea. Men of God hate men of gay.
ROSS: Men of God don't judge. Listen, my priest is really helpful. I'll take you to a confessional.
RYAN: That implies he's sinning though!
ROSS: He is! He's LYING about who he is.
RYAN: We both know the Catholic Church hates gays more than they hate lying. Although they do sometimes lie to cover the asses of gay pedophiles, so maybe they're more masochistic than anything.
ROSS: Shut up, Ryan, we're taking him to a church.
RYAN: Why don't we take him to a therapist?
ROSS: We don't have any money!
RYAN: Oh yeah. Church it is!
(Cut to Jacob and General DePinto sitting in his living room. DePinto is on his iPad)
GENERAL DEPINTO: Can you believe this shit?
JACOB: What shit?
(General DePinto turns the iPad around to reveal a CNN article reading "US Military lifts ban on women in direct combat")
GENERAL DEPINTO: This shit!
JACOB: Yeah, I heard about that. Why is it shit though?
GENERAL DEPINTO: It's shit. (He turns the iPad back towards him) Women are far too fragile to serve in direct combat in the military. In the military, we don't say "maybe it's maybeline" we say "maybe it's a surface-to-air missile!"
JACOB: Do women say "maybe it's Maybeline" that often?
GENERAL DEPINTO: I don't know, most of the women I know are in TV commercials. Do most women say (British accent) "Fabulous! For a good clean, feeling no matter what"?
JACOB: No, how lonely are you?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Women in the military will inevitably be dogged by lady problems!
JACOB: I think the main lady problem they'll be concerned about is bullets flying past their heads.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Yeah, if those bullets break a nail!
JACOB: I have no faith in your generation.
GENERAL DEPINTO: The feeling's mutual. This means lesbians are allowed in direct combat now too!
JACOB: Speaking of lesbians and lady problems, there's this girl I met today who kind of intrigues me.
GENERAL DEPINTO: How so?
JACOB: She's British and kind of a hard-ass, I don't know, she has this badass appeal to me. But she's not a lesbo, she assured me.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, don't take her word for it. Investigate.
JACOB: I feel like that would make her uncomfortable.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well if she's a hard-ass, making her uncomfortable might show her who wears the pants in the relationship. When I had sex with a Vietnamese woman back in 1970, I kept my pants on the entire time; I utilized the dick hole in Hanes underwear.
JACOB: So what you're saying is-
GENERAL DEPINTO: Use the underwear dickhole to assert yourself, metaphorically of course.
JACOB: Got it. Do you have Vietnamese children in their 40s?
GENERAL DEPINTO: You sound just like those gook attorneys that keep calling me.
JACOB: There's another problem though, she's a foreign exchange student visiting temporarily from the United Kingdom, so she'll probably leave in a week or two.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Wow, that's rough. Sorry, Jacob.
JACOB: I know. I mean, I'm still trying to get over Kirsten and I thought she might be my way out.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, we live in the 21st century, right? Just have an online relationship once she leaves. Go on Twittergram and Instagram and Facegram.
JACOB: Don't pretend like you don't know what those websites are actually called.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Skypegram?
JACOB: But I do suppose that's a good idea. I mean, I broke up with Kirsten not because I wanted to, but because I knew I was going to have to say goodbye in August anyway when she went off to Western Canada.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, now you have to decide. Do you want a long-distance relationship with a girl you dated for five months or a long-distance relationship with a girl you might date for a week?
JACOB: …Well I'll be shat.
(Cut to Kirsten in her room with a German boy, an Israeli boy and a Welsh boy. They are about seventeen and they are sitting on Kirsten's bed. Kirsten is sitting in front of them holding two books)
KIRSTEN: I will now teach you about American culture. Here are two of the most celebrated and cherished books in America. Here, we have (she holds up The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain") The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain and based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire, and here (she holds up Fifty Shades of Gray) we have erotic fan fiction.
(A knock is heard at the door)
GERMAN KID: (German accent) Someone's here! Quick, take this cyanide!
(He takes out a blue pill)
ISRAELI KID: (Israeli accent) That's an Advil.
KIRSTEN: Who is it?
NICOLE SNOWE: (Offscreen) It's your mother, Jacob is here to see you.
KIRSTEN: Oh God, I'll be right out. You three behave and Zivah, don't quarrel with Olaf.
ZIVAH: That's old hat, give me a Palestinian kid, I'll quarrel with him six ways t'ill Passover!
(Kirsten walks to the door and opens it to see Nicole and Jacob standing there)
JACOB: Hey.
NICOLE: Hello, Kirsten.
KIRSTEN: Hi, mom.
(Kirsten closes the door behind her)
NICOLE: I will leave you two alone.
(Nicole walks away)
JACOB: Your mom's like a robot.
KIRSTEN: I know, what are you doing here?
JACOB: Well I was thinking…I don't know if you noticed, but I kind of fancied the badass British chick and her "fuck everything including not getting cancer" attitude. But then I realized, she's going back to England in a week and even if I maintained some sort of online relationship, it wouldn't be fair to you.
KIRSTEN: Jacob, you don't have to run your relationships by me, I approve of that British bitch. I hope you and her have a great marriage and I hope she pursues her dream of being the first rude GPS.
JACOB: No, what I'm saying is that I'd rather be with you for the next seven months and have a long-distance relationship with you than be with Tammy for a week and have a long-distance relationship with her.
KIRSTEN: …Oh, Jacob.
JACOB: What?
KIRSTEN: Jacob, we talked about this.
JACOB: I know, we didn't connect on an intellectual level, we never had in-depth convos about politics, philosophy or even the deeper meaning of the latest episode of Jersey Shore, but we had fun and we liked each other, that's what I miss!
KIRSTEN: Jacob, you've changed since you broke up with me. You became more of a stoner, I heard that you wanted to join the army, you took advantage of Barbara, I heard you caused a panic attack for your friend Ross-
JACOB: Hey, HE smoked the weed! I don't know, he just can't hold his weed.
KIRSTEN: Those kind of comments make you sound like kind of a douche.
JACOB: Kirsten, I've actually cut down on my smoking since about three weeks ago I accidentally smoked some weed laced with DMT at my cousin's house.
KIRSTEN: Really?
JACOB: Yeah, I was in Boston. My cousin Cullen knocked me out so I wouldn't say anything.
KIRSTEN: Jesus. See the kind of shit weed gets you into?
JACOB: I know. Can we at least hang out and see where it goes?
KIRSTEN: I mean…I suppose there's nothing wrong with that. But let's work on stimulating conversation.
JACOB: No problem! You know, I was thinking today that I've probably said the word "what" like, hundreds of times in my life.
KIRSTEN: It's probably been more than that.
JACOB: At most three-hundred times.
KIRSTEN: (Sigh) Come in.
(Kirsten leads Jacob into her room and she closes the door. Cut to Kimberly on the couch watching Patrick White delivering the news on TV)
PATRICK WHITE: Today, a federal appeals court ruled that President Obama's recess appointments to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and National Labor Relations Board, which mere made while the Senate was technically in session, although not conducting legislative business, are unconstitutional. The Obama administration responded by doubling their use of drones in Africa and indefinitely detaining Americans suspects of terrorism in secret prisons as a way of compensating for what many have described as a "small domestic policy dick".
(Rob comes in and turns off the TV while wearing his white suit and bowtie)
ROB: (Southern drawl) Well what's that there TV box doing there?
KIMBERLY: Hey, I was watching that!
ROB: You know what they say.
KIMBERLY: …What do they say?
ROB: (Regular voice) I don't know, Ethan, help me out, I don't know any southern phrases!
(Ethan walks over)
ETHAN: You're doing fine, kiddo. My Grandpa Nicholas always used to say "Where am I?" and "Who are you?". It left me in stitches. And it left him in a state of neurological degeneration.
KIMBERLY: Why does Rob look like a bleached Tucker Carlson?
ETHAN: He's goin' a courtin' for the girl next door, the old southern way.
KIMBERLY: Wait, there's a girl you like, Rob?
ROB: Yes and I am going to pilfer her heart.
KIMBERLY: By speaking like Clarence Thomas?
ROB: Clarence Thomas likes his giblets in the mornin'. And I like my Jamies in the afternoon.
ETHAN: Wait, it's a dude?
ROB: No, it's a girl named Jamie. She's a total gamer chick; I didn't even think they existed in the elusive "hot" species.
KIMBERLY: Why are women always animals to you men?
ETHAN: We're all animals Kimberly!
ROB: HA! Got her there!
(Ethan and Rob high-five)
KIMBERLY: I'm glad you two are so amicable now, but I'm not sure if the southern approach is the best way to get a gamer girl.
ETHAN: Pray tell, what is the best way? To be some foppish northern dandy?
KIMBERLY: No, the best way is to be a gamer guy. And Rob is one. Ethan, what are Rob's biggest flaws?
ETHAN: …Sorry?
KIMBERLY: Rob, you've long been a critic of Rob's personality-(Rob has visceral disgusted reaction to that statement) why don't we work on those flaws to see if he can have more success with the lady-types?
ETHAN: I have never said anything negative about my dear friend, Robert Calvin Altmire.
(Cut to Ethan talking to Kimberly on the couch in July 2012)
ETHAN: He's a braggart, a liar and a slob. (Cut to Ethan and Rob sitting next to each other in the living room in September 2012) Oh my God Rob, just shut up! Nobody wants you to be here, you suck and I hate everything about you. (Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob, Ryan and Madeline sitting in front of the TV while Rob stands nearby in July 2012) …I dislike you very much. (Cut to Ethan talking to Rob in Ryan's room in December 2012) You're rude! You just said fuck to me when I was just doing you a favor, you never said thank you for me taking your car to the shop or getting you hot cocoa or offering you a room. How the FUCK do you not know when to say thank you?
(Cut back)
KIMBERLY: That's demonstrably false. Also Rob, how are you surprised that he's insulted you behind your back when he's insulted you to your face?
ROB: How could he?
ETHAN: Fine, maybe it did take me a while to warm up to Rob, but I think I can level some constructive criticisms of his personality so as to help him in his romantic endeavors. First off, boasting, bragging and gloating, not only are these archetypical of romantic villains in every play ever, they're also bad dating policy. Take care to avoid.
ROB: But I'm the best at not bragging, I once went forty years without bragging in the desert, mind you, I won the 2012 Award for not bragging.
ETHAN: Yeah, that would be an example of bragging.
ROB: I have an even better example of bragging.
ETHAN: One-upping is also irritating to people.
ROB: (Singing) I have a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's-
ETHAN: Immaturity is also a huge turn-off.
ROB: Fuck, that fucking sucks emaciated camel dick.
ETHAN: Excessive cursing is also bad.
ROB: Okay. I think I have what I need.
ETHAN: Lying's a dealbreaker.
ROB: FINE! Keep teaching and try not to be a dick about it.
ETHAN: Oh my God, we have work to do.
(Cut to Ryan, Ross, Samuel, Michael, Brennan, Sarah and Tim walking into a church where congregants are gathered in prayer. There are several confessionals located at each side of the church and there is a priest on stage speaking)
PRIEST: In the darkness, there is only one light, He is our light. By trusting in His word, we trust ourselves. But we must never succumb to the wicked will of the melancholy, the sodomite, the masturbator, the gluttonous, the proud, the wrathful, the slothful, the greedy and the lustful.
MICHAEL: (Whispering) Dude, which one of these confessionals do you think would be the best to jerk off in?
RYAN: (Whispering) Not now, alright? (Pause) Oh my God, the one in the far left corner.
MICHAEL: I was thinking that too!
ROSS: Guys, this is a house of God, save that kind of talk for the House of Blues.
SAMUEL: This place is full of repressed faggots, I can tell.
RYAN: Of course you can. By the way, where are the women fanning themselves and screaming "testify"?
ROSS: Just because I'm black doesn't mean I go to a black church.
TIM: When am I going to get to spend time in a dark box with a Catholic priest?
ROSS: Wow, don't say it like that. Anyway, the service is almost over.
PRIEST: I hear we have some young men standing in the back, including our very own Ross Higgins.
ROSS: Yes Father Schrader, these are some of my friends from my school.
FATHER SCHRADER: A few of them look like Satan worshippers, Ross.
ROSS: They're not Father, I assure you. They are simply emo kids.
RYAN: For life!
ROSS: Until they're 19.
BRENNAN: No!
FATHER SCHRADER: Children, your sartorial manner takes you far from God.
RYAN: Good, because "Far from God" is my new favorite emo band.
(Ryan unzips his jacket to reveal a shirt with the words "Far From God" on it and a white silhouette being blown by the wind away from the Nintendo 64 version of Andross from Star Fox)
ROSS: Why does Andross from Star Fox 64 represent God?
RYAN: Yeah, Far From God is in a lot of legal trouble for this shirt.
FATHER SCHRADER: And you are in eternal trouble if you do not turn away from sin and accept Jesus Christ into your heart.
ROSS: Father, all these sinners will confer with you and your staff in the privacy of the confessionals after church services.
FATHER SCHRADER: Very well, Ross. I shall see them in the confessionals. Remind them to genuflect!
(Ross turns to all of them)
ROSS: Guys, genuflect, come on!
RYAN: What does genuflect mean?
ROSS: I don't know, just do it!
(Cut to Ryan sitting in a confessional while listening to his iPod. The priest opens the window between them)
PRIEST: Tell me your sins, my son. (Ryan doesn't notice the priest) Um…son? Hey! Hello?!
(Ryan takes out his headphones)
RYAN: Oh, God, I didn't hear you. What'd you say?
PRIEST: Son, tell me your sin.
RYAN: Well, I don't really consider it a sin, but I am a bisexual and I have had relationships with both guys and girls. I masturbate regularly and all that, but I don't really want to discuss those kinds of vices. I was reading up on the seven deadly sins earlier and I looked at the section where they talked about the sins that were left out of the seven deadly sins in order to streamline everything. The sin known as acedia was there. Acedia meaning the sin that is involved with listlessly and joylessly meandering through life. And sometimes, I feel like I…use drugs and cutting and other bad habits to distract from the fact that I indulge in acedia. I feel depressed and like I have no motivation.
PRIEST: You think you have it bad? I don't even think my chiropractor is helping my back at all. Plus, some kid broke a window on my house, I don't know who it was, so now I have to replace it. I dropped my laptop the other day. Now how am I supposed to Skype with the Pope?
RYAN: Are you seriously complaining about your own problems right now?
(Cut to Ross sitting in a confessional with a priest)
ROSS: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
PRIEST: Speak.
ROSS: I have used marijuana to bring on artificial feelings of joy and make me drift further from Jesus' love. I have used God's name in vain. I feel concerned that my friend Jacob is artificially creating joy through much more excessive marijuana use than I, due to his loneliness. I only hope he can find someone….but I think he'll keep using it even if he has someone.
PRIEST: Does he not have you?
ROSS: Yeah, but…ever since I smoked marijuana and had a panic attack about a month ago we haven't hung out as much. He's sort of…a stressor for me now.
PRIEST: It may be best you get away from him now before he is damned to hell and you, me and Rick Santorum are raptured to our eternal reward.
ROSS: …I guess?
(Cut to Samuel in the confession booth licking a lollipop while the priest is sitting there)
PRIEST: Tell me your sins, my son.
SAMUEL: I don't mean to be a bitch, but the robes you guys wear are kind of ugly. (Laughs) This lollipop is such a whore. But seriously, I don't mean to be a bitch, but most of you priest guys are so ugly. (Laughs) I'm totally kidding, but seriously, I don't mean to be a bitch.
PRIEST: I never thought I'd say this but it sounds like you do mean to be a bitch.
SAMUEL: Yeah, I do. (Samuel's cell phone rings) Hold on. (Samuel answers it) Hello? This cell phone is such a whore.
(The priest sighs. Cut to Michael in a confessional without a priest. He looks nervous, just waiting there. Slowly, but surely, he puts his hands down his pants. Cut to Brennan in the confessional with the priest)
BRENNAN: I've used God name in vain, I've masturbated in vain, I've lied in vain and I've injected heroin in vein.
PRIEST: Jeez.
(Cut to Sarah talking to a priest in a confessional)
SARAH: Father, I have a feeling that my boyfriend is still interested in his ex-girlfriend.
PRIEST: That's a complaint, not a sin.
SARAH: Fine, I…am envious of Michelle, that's a sin!
PRIEST: Then have fun in hell.
SARAH: What? Isn't this supposed to absolve me of the sin?
PRIEST: Yeah and the Pope is supposed to punish child molesting priests, but fuck If that happens. Also, priests aren't supposed to say fuck.
SARAH: Yeah!
(Cut to Tim in the confessional with Father Schrader)
FATHER SCHRADER: Tell me your sin, my son.
TIM: Well Father, I recently found out I'm a homosexual. I don't know how I'm going to come out or tell my parents even. I felt like I should hate myself for this, but I think I'd rather just accept it as a part of who I am.
FATHER SCHRADER: Son, go with your original instinct.
TIM: Wha-really?
FATHER SCHRADER; Yes, you loath the sin, you don't accommodate it. Especially a sin with so many sinewy, glowing muscles and (coughs) moral depravity.
TIM: But, don't you think, since Martin Luther King Jr. Day was on Monday, we should respect
his message of equality, I mean, he was a Christian!
FATHER SCHRADER: Ah yes, Martin Luther King, the drum leader for gay rights. In fact, when a young boy wrote to Ebony magazine in 1958 saying he felt the same way about boys that he ought to feel about girls, this gay rights legend said "The type of feeling that you have toward boys is probably not an innate tendency, but something that has been culturally acquired. You are already on the right road toward a solution, since you honestly recognize the problem and have a desire to solve it."
TIM: He said that?
FATHER SCHRADER: He did and it's true today as it was fifty-five years ago, just like how hiding under your desk can save you from a nuclear bomb. Listen Tim, this is simply the devil's cruel trick of tempting you with a life of crystal meth-induced orgiastic crystal meth parties where you can grope and stick to strangers and drink crystal meth from bongs. You must take care to avoid the allure of this lifestyle. Crystal meth.
TIM: I don't think that's the only way gays spend their time.
FATHER SCHRADER: I think I would know, I've…heard about it.
TIM: I feel like trying to fight it out of me has brought me nothing but despair.
FATHER SCHRADER: Despair is better than gaiety.
TIM: Doesn't gaiety mean happiness?
FATHER SCHRADER: How about some gay reparative therapy? (He holds up two oranges) These represent balls. Try to grab them from me.
TIM: There's a divider between us.
FATHER SCHRADER: Break it.
TIM: Okay!
(Tim pushes through the divider and tries to grab the oranges but Father Schrader holds them high up)
FATHER SCHRADER: HA! Now you have to pay for that divider, but you can't because you blew all your money on crystal meth and dildos. Now you have to hand out train station blowjobs for rim money. Sort of a vicious cycle, eh? Blowing out train station rimjobs for hand money?
(Tim pulls his arm back through to his side)
TIM: What?!
(Cut to Ryan with his priest in the confessional)
PRIEST: My mom needs braces and it's like-
RYAN: Why would she need braces at her age?
PRIEST: Well I'm not allowed to have a daughter; somebody's gotta get braces from me.
RYAN: You're the worst priest ever. (Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Brennan, Michael, Ross, Tim and Samuel outside the church) Well, that was the opposite of helpful.
TIM: Yeah, my priest was a total bigot.
SAMUEL: My priest was a total bitch.
ROSS: Well, I don't know what else to tell you guys.
RYAN: There's got to be a safe place for Tim to come out.
BRENNAN: Here's a suggestion. Why does he need a safe place to come out? The only way he's going to make his entire world safe is if he comes out in an unsafe place. Say, in the presence of his parents. They may be distraught, they may cancel Logo, Bravo and MSNBC from their TV plans and they may throw out all the glitter in the house, but in the end, they're either going to love Tim unconditionally or they're going to disown him and if they do, he's probably better off without them. But it's either that or living a perpetual lie and awkwardly trying to evaluate how hot straight people think particular women are and being embarrassed when you misrate a woman.
SARAH: …That's actually a really salient point.
SAMUEL: Yeah. I once rated Arianna Huffington as a 9.0 right in front of Andrew Breitbart.
MICHAEL: Why were you hanging out with Andrew Breitbart?
RYAN: Anyway, I agree with Brennan. Alright Tim, I guess it's decision time. Are you going to come out to your parents or not?
TIM: …Shit. Yes.
RYAN: Alright! Here's an idea, we make a big piece of paper that shows the words "GUESS WHO'S GAY?" and then you jump through it!
SARAH: Let's be a little more tactful than that.
RYAN: Sure, it's always whatever you want!
SARAH: It's what Tim wants.
RYAN: Why can't I be what I want ever?
SARAH: Oh my God, Tim, how do you want to do it?
(Tim stands there, unresponsive. Cut to Kirsten, Jacob, Zivah, Olaf and the Welsh boy in Kirsten's room)
KIRSTEN: Zivah, Olaf, Joris, this is my friend Jacob.
JACOB: Hello, Zivah, Olaf, Joris, where are you guys from?
ZIVAH: I am from the Holy land of Israel.
JACOB: Oh, congratulations on Netanyahu's re-election. (Turns to Kirsten) See Kirsten? I know this shit.
KIRSTEN: That was impressive that you knew that.
JACOB: Where are you from Olaf?
OLAF: Germany.
JACOB: Ah yes, where that Benghazi incident happened, God, why was that old woman with the glasses so frazzled about that?
KIRSTEN: Oh God.
JACOB: Clinton 2016 I guess, where are you from, Pelvis?
JORIS: Joris.
JACOB: That's what I said.
KIRSTEN: No it wasn't.
JORIS: I'm from Holland.
JACOB: Awesome, I know T-Pain's Welsh half-brother, do you know him?
JORIS: He's my uncle!
JACOB: AWESOME! How's he doing?
JORIS: He figured out how to auto tune a harp, so he's making some money off of that.
JACOB: Great. So this is already fun! What should we do, Kirsten?
KIRSTEN: Um, we should teach these young men about America.
JACOB: Well you see there's 100 Presidents, 435 Senators and 1 Congressman, who wants to get McDonald's?
ZIVAH: I could totally go for that. I haven't been to McDonald's without bomb noises interrupting my order for a long time.
OLAF: That sounds pretty fly.
JACOB: Fly?
KIRSTEN: I've been teaching them American slang.
JACOB: From the 70s?
JORIS: Are we going to McDonald's or not?
JACOB: Kirsten?
KIRSTEN: (Sigh) I guess we could take a break to get some food-or, McDonald's, rather.
JACOB: Awesome! I'll drive.
ZIVAH: Does McDonald's accept not money? It's the national currency of Israel.
JACOB: It doesn't matter, I'm paying!
(They all cheer except for Kirsten and they walk out the door. Cut to Ethan, Kimberly and Rob sitting in the living room)
ETHAN: Okay, we're still got to get tact, manners and basic human decency down, but besides that, we're golden!
KIMBERLY: C'mon, give him credit; he said your shoes were nice.
ETHAN: That's all he said! He said it like fifteen times to make up for all the rude shit he did.
ROB: This is bullshit, you guys are holding me down! Your shoes are great.
ETHAN: Jesus Christ, this is hopeless, you know what? Just go and get her.
KIMBERLY: But at least try to utilize some of our suggestions.
ROB: I'll utilize the shit out of those suggestions. Now who's car should I take to her house?
ETHAN: It's next door!
ROB: You're right, I'll use yours.
ETHAN: No!
ROB: Fine. (Rob gets up and walks towards the door while Ethan and Kimberly follow him. Rob walks out the door, as do Ethan and Kimberly. Rob walks over to Jamie's house while Ethan and Kimberly discreetly look on. Rob knocks on the door. An older, slightly overweight woman opens up) Hello there. Is Jamie here?
ROB: Fuck, I forgot I was still wearing this.
(The woman walks away and Jamie comes over)
JAMIE: Hey Rob. Why the white suit?
ROB: I was…just MCing for a prom.
JAMIE: In January?
ROB: It was a Southern prom. Listen, I think you're pretty cool and…shoes.
JAMIE: Sorry?
ROB: Your shoes are good.
JAMIE: (Giggles) Okay? Thanks?
ROB: Um, listen, you're really cool and I think we should have coffee at my house or…shoes.
JAMIE: Why don't we just play DOTA right now?
ROB: …Yes.
JAMIE: Come in.
(Rob walks into the house and Rob shuts slams the door)
WOMAN: (Heard from inside the house) JAMIE, DON'T SLAM THE GODDAMN DOOR!
(Pan to Ethan and Kimberly looking on, shocked)
ETHAN: …What the hell is wrong that chick?
KIMBERLY: Apparently whatever's wrong with Rob.
(Cut to Ryan and Sarah at night near a train track. They are holding both hands together)
RYAN: Sarah, we're here.
SARAH: I know, isn't this nice?
RYAN: This is all that matters!
SARAH: What do you mean?
(Ryan lets go of Sarah's hands and puts his hands in the air)
RYAN: This right here is all that matters! Without this there is nothing!
SARAH: What are you talking about, Ryan?
RYAN: I'm saying that there isn't this anymore. I'm saying that there is nothing. It doesn't matter anymore, Sarah.
SARAH: Ryan, you're scaring me.
(A train starts coming)
RYAN: I know. I never thought it would come to this. But it has. We're all here.
(The train comes roaring by and Ryan jumps in front of it and is instantly crushed by it. Cut to Ryan waking up in a cold sweat)
RYAN: FUCK! Oh my God…Jesus Christ. (Ryan opens a nearby bottle of Prozac and takes two pills and puts them in his mouth. He then closes the bottle and puts it down on his bedside table) Sarah…
(Cut to Kirsten, Jacob, Zivah, Olaf and Joris in Jacob's room. They're all smoking weed while eating McDonald's, except for Kirsten)
KIRSTEN: How did this end up happening?
JACOB: Because McDonald's is so much better when you're stoned.
ZIVAH: This is the American dream, huh?
JACOB: Fuck yeah.
KIRSTEN: It's more like the Colorado dream.
JACOB: You want some, Kirsten?
KIRSTEN: I thought you said you were cutting down.
JACOB: Yeah, cutting down, not stopping. I only have McDonald's once a week.
KIRSTEN: I'm talking about weed.
JACOB: Well, that's still pretty regular.
KIRSTEN: …Fine.
(Kirsten takes a hit off Jacob's pipe as "Crash into Me" by DMB starts playing. We cut to Rob playing DOTA while Jamie watches in her room. They are laughing and making merry. Cut to Rob waving to Jamie as he walks back into the Donahue household. Cut to Rob looking through a window in a guest room of the Donahue household. He is watching Jamie through her bedroom window. She is getting dressed and Rob is masturbating to that. Cut to Kirsten leading a meeting of the theatre club in a classroom. She is pointing to the words "LIGHTING, LIGHTING, SINGING AND ALSO ACTING, THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT TENETS OF THEATRE". Then cut to Jacob, Kirsten, Zivah, Olaf and Joris in the Donahue game room. Jacob and Kirsten are sitting next to each other on one couch while Zivah, Olaf and Joris are sitting on another couch. Jacob puts his arm around Kirsten and she welcomes this with no resistance. She moves closer and rests her head on Jacob's chest. Jacob kisses her head. Kirsten then starts making out with Jacob. Cut to Ryan and Sarah at a restaurant. Sarah says something to Ryan and he smiles with a wide grin and then looks down at his lap as his smile fades away. Ryan nervously taps his fingers on the table and Sarah scrunches her eyebrows. Cut to Ryan with a belt tied around his neck in his room, masturbating with his pants down to something on his laptop. He pulls the belt really tight and passes out as he climaxes. A few seconds later, he opens his eyes. Cut to Tim sitting on his living room couch while his parents bawl on the other couch. Then cut to a train track at daytime. A train roars by at full speed as the song ends and we fade to black)
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Arts & Culture: Live Music in Winnipeg2 2 Share Tweet
This April my band, The Sure Things traveled from Toronto to Winnipeg to play some shows with local bluegrass heroes, The Magnificent 7s. Had a great time playing music and taking lomographs!
In April, 2011, my band The Sure Things, traveled from Toronto to Winnipeg to play some shows with local Winnipeg bluegrass heroes The Magnificent 7s.
After a long drive from Toronto, we settled into our home away from home in Winnipeg. Our first day in town, we had a night off. My band mates headed out to watch the hockey game, but I was keen to check out legendary local live music bar The Times Change, High and Lonesome Club (234 Main St.). I have heard about this bar from many musicians who have traveled through Toronto and was eager to check it out. I decided to walk through Winnipeg to the venue with my Diana Mini at my side.
I arrived at The Times Change in time to catch local musician Keith Dick and bar owner John Scoles performing Bob Dylan songs in honour of his 70th birthday. Great times and great music.
The next night my band performed at another infamous local live music venue, "The Standard Tavern" (61 Sherbrooke St.), opening for local faves Andrew Neville and The Poor Choices, who have performed here every night for 6 years! Much beer, music and pinball followed.
So if you are ever looking to visit a town with a fantastic local live music scene, I would highly recommend a trip to Winnipeg to visit The Times Change and The Standard Tavern.
written by stevebarberoffice on 2011-07-09 #places #location #art-and-culture #winnipeg-live-music-analog-times-change-the-standard-tavern-magnificent-7s-the-sure-things-country-bluegrass-tour-road-trip


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Rob Morrison's next "Musical Theatre Melodies" broadcast on Tuesday, 17th March at 9 p.m. will feature a 130th Anniversary tribute to W.S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan's The Mikado, from the 1957 D'Oyly Carte Opera Company recording starring Donald Adams, Thomas Round, Peter Pratt, Kenneth Sandford, Alan Styler, Jean Hindmarsh, Beryl Dixon, Jennifer Toye and Ann Drummond-Grant.
This will be followed by a 1902 recording of "The Mikado's Song" sung by Richard Temple, (who created the title role in the original 1885 D'Oyly Carte London production); plus selections from Gilbert and Sullivan's Trial by Jury, (to mark its 140th Anniversary on 25th March), from the 1961 HMV studio cast recording featuring George Baker, Elsie Morison, Richard Lewis, John Cameron, Owen Brannigan and Bernard Turgeon.


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Without a doubt, it was contagious. In less than 30 days, the phenomenon had affected countless numbers, traveled from coast to coast -- even internationally -- and spread smiles ear to ear.
The random acts of kindness had multiplied at an astonishing rate, all because of a 40th birthday invitation from Kristi Black to her Facebook friends.
"It's one thing to do it yourself," says the New Hampshire woman about her choice to celebrate her May milestone by randomly giving presents to others, "but then to get all your friends involved ...," her voice trailing.
Because of their busy lives, she was hesitant about including them in her unique month-long birthday celebration. Even so, she decided to give it a try and set up the Facebook Random Acts of Kindness page, complete with a creative invitation to join her in the project. Friends could respond with the "going" reply -- and then it was "party on!"
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"A group of people right away said they were going to do it," Kristi recalls about her idea to give gifts to strangers during her birthday month. "It started slow, then one of my friends shared with her friend and then another shared," the young woman's words brimming with excitement. "That's when it took off, friends of friends."
Word spread to at least 16 states, stretching north to south, from Maine to Georgia, and east to west, from Florida to Washington and Hawaii. But the random acts of kindness didn't stop on our country's shores. From as far away as Peru to Italy, Brazil to New Zealand and St. Crois, the birthday celebration rocked with kind deeds.
Free lattes surprised unsuspecting drivers in the Starbucks drive-thru; quarters filled gumball machines and overdue parking meters; smiley-face cookies brightened a dreary day for cancer patients.
The list of thoughtful gestures is long; some as simple as helping an elderly woman find her car in a store parking lot, another as complex as aiding women trapped in human-trafficking.
For Kristi, her random acts of kindness around town seemed at times to have divine direction.
"I often asked in a little prayer, 'What am I going to do with these cookies . . . or if someone needs this, please lead me,'" the mother of four said before setting off on her busy days. "Then I'd miss my turn and see where to give."
A pediatric hospital ward, an animal shelter, a food program with weary volunteers were all places touched by "angels" like Kristi -- friends who wanted to celebrate her life by showing compassion, thoughtfulness and love.
"I think people who are givers know how good it feels to give when it's not expected," the attractive brunette says about the happiness she experiences as she randomly affects the lives of others.
And because of Kristi's birthday wish -- "no gifts for me, just others" -- there are people throughout the U.S. -- and across a continent -- who have felt the sheer joy of giving for no other reason than to be kind to another human being.
Perhaps, the world is a little brighter, a little softer because of their actions. And just maybe the idea of loving one another every day will catch on.


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looking for yahoo answers level 3 account
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We are also looking to buy yahoo answers in bulk.
It's 4-6...
I believe it's still easy to access the old (green) Yahoo answers by using links such as:
All accounts were make manually.
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Separate names with a comma.