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Fall Garden Market
COVID-19 update, May 31: The information below is from 2019. It is uncertain whether there will be any events in fall 2020. We will post updates here if the situation changes.
October 5, 2019, 10 am–3 pmMartial Cottle Park Harvest Festival. The Harvest Festival celebrates the agricultural heritage of the Santa Clara Valley and the newest park in the county. There will be food, entertainment, park tours, and more.
Plant sale
Our Fall Garden Market plant sale offers a bounty of winter vegetable and flower seedlings plus beautiful low-water succulents. They all thrive in our cool winter conditions and will keep your garden producing year-round. See vegetable list below. Come get inspired! Arrive early for best selection. Sales benefit the UC Master Gardener program.
Two smaller plant sales will also be held:
- September 28, 2019, 10 am–noon, at the Palo Alto Demo Garden
- October 12, 2019 9:30 am–12:30 pm, at Guglielmo Winery, Morgan Hill
Other activities
We will also have:
- Talks and tours by UC Master Gardeners
- Children's activities
- A Green Elephant sale
- An "Ask a Master Gardener" booth where you can ask questions and bring in samples for diagnosis
- A tool booth where you're welcome to bring your own hand pruner (must be in working condition) to learn to sharpen it yourself
See our schedule of activities with descriptions.
Cost: Free admission, $6 parking at Martial Cottle Park
2019 Vegetables
See our Vegetable Planting Chart for a month by month guide on when to plant different vegetables, developed specifically for Santa Clara County.
All seedlings are sold in six-packs unless otherwise noted. Arrive early for best selection. Some varieties may sell out quickly or be in short supply. A selection of flowers, ornamental plants, and succulents will also be offered. Please note: Not all varieties will be available at all plant sales.
OP: Open-pollinated. Seed saved will breed true to type.
Hybrid: Produced from crosses between two distinct parent lines. Seed saved will not be true to the variety planted. (More on Saving Vegetable Seeds from the University of Minnesota Extension)
Asian Greens
Chinese Broccoli, Gai Lan, OP
Thick, juicy stalks, young leaves and flower buds are tender and delicious. Can harvest shoots repeatedly for weeks.
Mizuna Mustard, OP
Four-pack. Kyona type with long, slender stems. Heat /cold tolerant. 4–12" tall. Plant close together for baby leaf or up to 10" apart for larger size.
Pak Choi Green Fortune, Hybrid
Ready in 30 days. Great for greens or stir-fry. Slow to bolt. 8–10" tall. Plant 8–12" apart.
Shungiku (Edible chrysanthemum), OP
Clip young leaves frequently to keep plants small and tender. Fine, lacy leaves are mild and tasty. 4–8" tall. Plant close together.
Tatsoi, OP
Smooth, spoon-shaped leaves in a compact rosette. Mild flavor is perfect for salads or stir fries. 6–10" tall. Plant 6" apart.
Nozawana Turnip Greens, OP
Traditional Japanese variety grown for leaves and stalks. For best flavor and texture, harvest at 2" wide. 24" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Bull's Blood, OP
Deep reddish-purple leaves are popular as baby greens in salads. Roots display pretty pink rings when sliced crossways. 8–12" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Chioggia, OP
Old Italian heirloom beet known for its red & white candy–striped rings and mild, sweet flavor. Named after a fishing town in Italy and pronounced 'kee–OH–jaw'. 8–12" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Detroit Dark Red, OP
Popular heirloom beet, uniform and smooth, with sweet red flesh and tasty 14" tops for greens. 10–14" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Formanova, OP
Tasty, fine-textured beet in a convenient long shape that is easy to peel and slice into rounds. Delicious leaves too. 8–12" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Golden, OP
Sweet golden beets are mild and tasty. Beautiful in salads. Greens are delicious and mild. 8–12" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Batavia, Hybrid
Four-pack. Large 6–8" main head plus side shoots on this very early broccoli. 18–24" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Belstar, Hybrid
Four-pack. Large 6–8" main head followed by plentiful side shoots which will continue all winter long. Later than Packman. 18–24" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Broccolini (Aspabroc), Hybrid
Four-pack. Easy-to-grow baby broccoli produces dozens of tender, tasty heads with an asparagus-like flavor. 20–24" tall. Plant 24" apart.
Calabrese, OP
Four-pack. Medium-sized 3–6" main head followed by numerous side shoots for months afterwards. 24–30" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Packman, Hybrid
Four-pack. Tasty large (10-inch) light blue-green main head followed by lots of side shoots which will continue through the winter. 18–24" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Mixed four-pack of broccoli. A great way to try several varieties! Plant 12–18" apart.
Early Jersey Wakefield, OP
Four-pack. Heirloom variety with 2–3 lb pointed heads that are solid, sweet, crisp and delicious. Compact plants can grow close together. 12–15" tall. Plant 24–30" apart.
Mammoth Red Rock, OP
Four-pack. Heirloom variety with crisp, deep purple-red heads, fine flavor. 5-lb heads, 8–10" across. 12–15" tall. Plant 24–30" apart.
Napa Cabbage, Little Jade, Hybrid
Four-pack. Dense, juicy heads, firm and sweet. 10–12" tall. Plant 10–12" apart.
Pixie, Hybrid
Four-pack. Fast growing baby cabbage is just 5" across. Sweet and crisp. Plant 10" apart
Mixed four-pack of cabbage. A great way to try several varieties! Plant 12–24" apart.
Cheddar, Hybrid
Four-pack. Like a regular cauliflower, but orange! Sweet and tasty, with about 25 times as much beta carotene as white cauliflower. No blanching needed. Delicious and striking. 18–24" tall. Plant 24–30" apart.
Graffiti, Hybrid
Four-pack. Neon purple cauliflower keeps its color when cooked. Makes a great addition to any raw vegetable platter. The 10" heads do not require blanching. For a surprise, dress raw or cooked Graffiti with vinaigrette and watch it turn a bright magenta pink. 18–24" tall. Plant 24–30" apart.
Green, OP
Four-pack. This Italian heirloom, Verde di Macerata, forms beautiful light green heads with no blanching needed. 18–24" tall. Plant 24–30" apart.
Romanesco, OP
Four-pack. Light green heads with incredible swirls that form amazing fractal shapes. Sweet nut-like taste. 18–24" tall. Plant 24–30" apart.
Snow Crown, Hybrid
Four-pack. Early snowball type is pure white, round and flavorful, weighing up to 2 lbs. each. 18–24" tall. Plant 24–30" apart.
Mixed four-pack of cauliflowers. A fun way to try different varieties! Plant 24–30" apart.
Baby Leaf, OP
Harvest at 4–5" tall. Plant 1" apart. Cut tender leaves 1–2" above the soil, leaving crowns to regrow for multiple harvests. 4–5" tall. Plant 1" apart.
Bright Lights, OP
Gorgeous stems are red, yellow, gold, orange, white, pink, violet, and striped. Delicious and tender. Multicolored stems and leaves make a wonderful show. 18–24" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
French White, OP
Thick green leaves are large and tender, on huge, white stalks that are very wide and delicious. Heavy yields because leaves are so large. 18–24" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Peppermint Stick, OP
Beautiful chard with hot pink and white striped stems, delicious as well as ornamental. 18–24" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Cilantro, OP
Four-pack. Fresh cilantro leaves have an intense and tangy flavor. Allow the seeds to develop for fresh coriander seeds. 10" tall. Plant 6–8" apart.
Confetti Cilantro, OP
Slow to bolt gourmet variety with more subtly flavored, feathery leaves. 18–24" tall. Plant 12–15" apart.
Lemon Cilantro, OP
Four-pack. Compact dwarf cilantro with an extra citrus flavor to the leaves and seeds. A little goes a long way.
Parsley Italian Flat, OP
Four-pack. Prized variety for culinary use. 12" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Italian Greens
Chicory, heading Sugarloaf, OP
Green chicory looks like a romaine lettuce but has that distinctive and delicious sweet/bitter chicory flavor. 12–18" tall. Plant 12" apart.
Escarole Blonde Full Heart, OP
Beautiful pale green leaves become golden blonde when blanched. Delicious raw in salads or cooked. 8–12" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Frisée Curled Green Ruffec, OP
Large full heads with delicious finely cut, frilled leaves. Blanch heads tying outer leaves together 2 to 3 weeks before harvest. Holds well in garden, slow to bolt. 8–12" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Radicchio Orchidea Rossa, OP
Beautiful tennis–ball sized radicchio is crisp and delicious. Reliable header, resistant to disease. 8–12" tall. Plant 12" apart.
Rapini (Broccoli Raab), OP
Plentiful shoots have a delicate slightly bitter/spicy/peppery flavor. 12–18" tall. Plant 6–10" apart.
Dazzling Blue, OP
This striking kale features blue-green savoyed leaves with dramatic pink midribs. Upright growth. New from Wild Garden Seed. 24–30" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Lacinato, OP
Heirloom Italian variety is a gorgeous, striking plant with delicious dark blue-green leaves. 24–36" tall. Plant 18–24" apart.
Premier Blend, OP
You'll get a beautiful variety of colors, textures, sizes and flavors with this special five kale blend (Dwarf Blue Curled, Improved Dwarf Siberian, Lacinato, Premier, and Red Russian). 24–30" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Red Russian, OP
Tasty and ornamental kale with red veins will prolifically produce sweet, tender young leaves all winter long. 24–30" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Tronchuda Beira, Hybrid
Portuguese variety. Paddle-shaped, deep green leaves with mild, rich flavor. 24–30" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Tuscan Baby Leaf, OP
More tender texture and sweeter flavor than mature kale leaves makes this wonderful for salads. Plant close together and harvest when just 4–5" tall, leaving crown to regrow for multiple harvests.
Red Giant, OP
Four-pack. Beautiful mustard, both ornamental and tasty. Harvest young leaves for salads or larger leaves to cook. Striking in a border. 8–24" tall. Plant 4–6" or 12–18" apart.
Ruby Streaks, OP
Four-pack. Stunningly beautiful mustard, with feathery, ruby red leaves. Delicious in salads and stir-fries. A perfect ornamental edible. 6–12" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Spicy Green, Hybrid
Four-pack. New variety from Japan developed for a tangy, hot flavor like wasabi. Pick small for mild, delicate flavor or large for robust, spicy flavor. 8–24" tall. Plant 4–6" or 12–18" apart.
Onion Family
Garlic Chives (Chinese leeks), OP
Flat, strappy leaves with a sweet garlic/chive flavor. White flowers are edible. Will reseed. Perennial, full sun. 18–24" tall x 12" wide.
Leek Carentan, OP
Four-pack. Long, thick leek grows strong and vigorously, with a delicate and delicious flavor. Up to 2 inches across. An old European heirloom variety. 18–24" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Cabernet, Hybrid
Medium large red globe onion. Good internal color, mostly single centers, 4–6 month storage. 10–12" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Onion Sierra Blanca, Hybrid
Four-pack. Sweet and mild Spanish white onion with thick rings, stores well for 2–3 months. Day neutral. 10–12" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Onion Torpedo Rossa Lunga di Firenze, OP
Four-pack. These purple-red torpedo-shaped onions are an Italian heirloom with a rich, mild, sweet flavor. Intermediate day. 10–12" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Scallion Delicious Duo, Hybrid
Four-pack. Blend of Red Robin and Green Feast scallions. Great color, heat tolerant, disease resistant. 10–12" tall. Plant 1–2" apart.
Other Vegetables
Artichoke Violetto Precoce, OP
3.5-inch pot. Mid-early violet purple artichoke with medium-sized, thorn-free globes. Tight, thick leaves are deliciously meaty yet tender. Very traditional Italian variety. Perennial, full sun. Cut to ground level after spring production. 3–5' x 2–3'
Collards Georgia Southern, OP
Harvest delicious outer leaves for a constant supply. Cabbage/kale flavor. 24–36" tall. Plant 12–18" apart.
Daikon White Tokinashi, OP
Harvest roots when they are about 2" in diameter and 10–12" long. Crisp with excellent flavor. 10–12" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Fennel Di Parma, OP
Superior bulbing fennel, large and uniform, with great flavor. Flowers attract beneficials and swallowtail butterflies will lay eggs on the feathery greens. 24–36" tall. Plant 10–12" apart.
Kohlrabi Duo, Hybrid
The white flesh inside these alien looking vegetables is deliciuosly sweet and juicy. Can be eaten raw or cooked. Mix of green Kongo and purple Kohlibri varieties. 8–10" tall. Plant 4–6" apart.
Turnip Golden Globe, OP
Large, fine-fleshed turnip with sweet, pale golden flesh. Tasty raw or cooked. 8–12" tall. Plant 8–10" apart.
Little Marvel (shelling), OP
Heavy yields of fine-flavored peas on vigorous plants. Heirloom variety. Best on a short trellis. 3–4' tall. Plant 4" apart.
Tall Telephone (shelling), OP
Large pods of delicious peas on tall vines. Heirloom variety. Needs a trellis. 6' tall. Plant 4" apart.
Mammoth Melting Sugar (snow pea), OP
Heirloom variety with sweet 4–5" long flat pods are borne on vigorous vines. 4–5' tall. Plant 3–4" apart.
Super Sugar Snap, OP
Vigorous vines yield heavy crop of delicious, edible-podded sugar snap peas. Healthy and mildew resistant. Thick, juicy pods are great raw or cooked. 5–6' tall. Plant 3–4" apart.
Salad Greens
Italian Arugula, OP
Delicious salad greens with deep, spicy flavor. Will resow if allowed to go to seed. Flowers are edible too. 8–10" tall. Plant 3–6" apart.
Wasabi Arugula, OP
A wild arugula with a complex, spicy wasbi flavor. Grows in pretty rosettes. Edible flowers. 4–5" tall. Plant 4–5" apart.
Lettuce, Blushed Butter Cos, OP
Tender, semi-romaine type with a buttery texture, green leaves blushed with red. 5–7" tall. Plant 8–10" apart.
Lettuce, Buttercrunch, OP
Loose butterheads with sweet, crisp, thick, delicious leaves. 5–7" tall. Plant 8–10" apart.
Lettuce, Cardinale, OP
Thick, crisp and succulent dark red leaves on extremely heat resistant crispheads. Beautiful and tasty. 6–8" tall. Plant 10–12" apart.
Lettuce, Cimarron, OP
Red romaine heads, tall, crisp, and delicious, slow to bolt. Heirloom French variety. 5–7" tall. Plant 8–10" apart.
Lettuce, Dragoon, OP
Compact mini green romaine heads are crisp and dense. Bolting and tip burn tolerant. 5–7" tall. Plant 8–10" apart.
Lettuce, Gourmet Baby Mixed, OP
Delicious blend of gourmet lettuces. Plant closely (2–4") for cut and come again harvesting or space apart 8–10" for heads.
Lettuce, Queen of Crunch, OP
Crunchy, juicy green leaves can be harvested individually or as the entire head. Heat tolerant and sturdy, this crisphead lettuce is beautiful in the garden. 6–8" tall. Plant 10–12" apart.
Lettuce, Ruby & Emerald Duet, OP
Mix of green butterhead and ruffled red leaf lettuce. Beautiful, tasty, heat tolerant. Good for containers. 5–6" tall. Plant 5" apart.
Lettuce, Truchas, OP
Compact, dark red mini romaine heads are crisp and delicious. Mildew and virus resistant. 6–8" tall. Plant 6" apart.
Lettuce, Valentine Mesclun, OP
Gorgeous mix of red lettuces for dramatic and delicious salads. Plant closely (2–4") for cut and come again harvesting or space apart 8–10" for heads.
Lettuce, Yugoslavian Red, OP
Tender red butterheads are beautiful and flavorful. 6–8" tall. Plant 8–10" apart.
Mâche Big Seeded, OP
Gourmet European salad green. Small, low-growing rosettes of delicate, tender leaves, nutty flavor. Pick individual leaves or harvest entire head. 4–6" tall, plant 4–6" apart.
Catalina Baby Leaf, OP
Harvest individual leaves at baby size or cut whole heads 2" above soil. Regrow for multiple harvests. 8–10" tall. Plant 5–6" apart.
Early Hybrid No. 7, Hybrid
Large heads for a heavy yield of flavorful medium dark green leaves. 3–8" tall. Plant 10–12" apart.
Oriental Giant, Hybrid
Giant arrowhead-shaped leaves are sweet and crisp, on long stems held high off the ground. Vigorous plants will produce all winter long. 18–24" tall. Plant 8–10" apart.
Summer Perfection, Hybrid
New Dutch variety is heat tolerant for a long harvest period. Upright green leaves are crunchy and sweet. 4–6" tall. Plant 5–6" apart.


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Business Briefs: Always Best Care Opens New Location
Always Best Care Announces New Franchise Owner in California
Non-medical in-home care provider franchise Always Best Care has opened a new franchise in Vacaville, California.
The new location, which is owned and operated by local resident Rebecca Smith, will serve the Vacaville area as well as surrounding communities Fairfield, Suisun Valley, Cordelia, Green Valley and Rio Vista.
Smith has been a licensed dental hygienist for 17 years and spent years practicing in the community, but also has a background in mortgage planning, realty and design. She is a long-time resident of Vacaville and serves on committees for the Vacaville Chamber of Commerce and the Alzheimer's Association.
"I am thrilled to open the Always Best Care Vacaville and have the opportunity to serve the needs of local families for many years to come," Smith said. "Having spent close to two years researching different senior care franchise concepts, I decided to go with Always Best Care based on the brand's longstanding industry reputation and its continuum of care services. By partnering with Always Best Care, I have the ability to create and sustain long-term, meaningful relationships with my clients."

subset: commoncrawl


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Published at Saturday, February 04th 2017, 20:39:45 PM by Louredes Borichevsky. Floor
Acacia wood flooring presents the colorful style when it is used as the modern art of wood flooring. The model is using a smooth without any decoration on its surface of the floor so that the impact or the result of this acacia wood flooring reflects the general model of any uses in the furniture modern design. The most beautiful color of this model is cream. Many furniture of acacia wood flooring produce this color because of its elegance on its function.
Copyright © 2020 Erbuzz.
Any content, trademark/s, or other material that might be found on this site that is not this site property remains the copyright of its respective owner/s. All trademarks mentioned belong to their owners, third party brands, product names, trade names, corporate names and company names mentioned may be trademarks of their respective owners or registered trademarks of other companies and are used for purposes of explanation and to the owner's benefit, without implying a violation of copyright law.


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Next Gen Manufacturing tools will Improve Processes and Training
In every country with a strong manufacturing industry, the goals are similar: innovate and educate. Individual companies and private/public partnerships, such as Preziss and other cutting tool industries, are growing and providing the help manufacturers need to close the skill gap. These efforts develop new training programs and speed up the creation and adoption of innovative manufacturing technologies.
To realize INDUSTRIES, a close international network between science, industry and universities is needed.


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ASU Electronic Theses and Dissertations
This collection includes most of the ASU Theses and Dissertations from 2011 to present. ASU Theses and Dissertations are available in downloadable PDF format; however, a small percentage of items are under embargo. Information about the dissertations/theses includes degree information, committee members, an abstract, supporting data or media.
In addition to the electronic theses found in the ASU Digital Repository, ASU Theses and Dissertations can be found in the ASU Library Catalog.
Dissertations and Theses granted by Arizona State University are archived and made available through a joint effort of the ASU Graduate College and the ASU Libraries. For more information or questions about this collection contact or visit the Digital Repository ETD Library Guide or contact the ASU Graduate College at firstname.lastname@example.com.
- Bertmann, Farryl Mw
- Wharton, Christopher
- Hampl, Jeffrey
- 1 Arizona State University
- 1 Barroso, Cristina
- 1 Dixit-Joshi, Sujata
- 1 Johnston, Carol
- 1 Ohri-Vachaspati, Punam
- more
- 1 English
- Nutrition
- 1 Public health
- 1 Public policy
- 1 SES and food access
- Mobile Crowd Sensing in Edge Computing Environment
- The Effect of Disability on Subjective Well-Being across the Adult Lifespan: The Moderating Roles of Age at Disability Onset and Disability Type
- Mechanically Active Heterogeneous Polymer Matrix Composites
- Attribute-Based Encryption for Fine-Grained Access Control over Sensitive Data
- 并购背景下教育行业品牌价值研究
In October, 2009, participants of the Arizona Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants and Children (WIC) began receiving monthly Cash Value Vouchers (CVV) worth between six and 10 dollars towards the purchase of fresh fruits and vegetables. Data from the Arizona Department of Health Services (ADHS) showed CVV redemption rates in the first two years of the program were lower than the national average of 77% redemption. In response, the ADHS WIC Food List was expanded to also include canned and frozen fruits and vegetables. More recent data from ADHS suggest that redemption rates are improving, but variably exist …
- Contributors
- Bertmann, Farryl Mw, Wharton, Christopher, Ohri-Vachaspati, Punam, et al.
- Created Date
- 2013


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Psychostichgeography is a new concept by our Louise Harries.
For every finished masterpiece that comes out of Prick Your Finger there lies hidden, marks that makers make in note books or on odd scraps of paper. We call this Psychostitchgeography.
They are trains of thought, plans, rememberings, sums, trials, errors and ultimately, a journey to getting what you want.
We want to show them because they are usually private, and to others they are a mysterious abstract pattern of clues. They are not made to be seen. Psychostitchgeography doesn't always lead to a finished product, but is proof that ideas never die.
We will show Psychostitchgeography every week. If you have any to share, please e-mail firstname.lastname@example.com
Psychostitchgeography 1 = "Design for front panel of jumper, for man born on the cusp of Virgo and Libre with Cancer rising, never knitted" RM


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Doing the Will of God (Luke 9:51-62)
Listen to This Sermon
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Luke 9:51-62
51. And it came to pass, when the time was come that he should be received up, he stedfastly set his face to go to Jerusalem,
52. And sent messengers before his face: and they went, and entered into a village of the Samaritans, to make ready for him.
53. And they did not receive him, because his face was as though he would go to Jerusalem.
54. And when his disciples James and John saw this, they said, Lord, wilt thou that we command fire to come down from heaven, and consume them, even as Elias did?
55. But he turned, and rebuked them, and said, Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of.
56. For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them. And they went to another village.
57. And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way, a certain man said unto him, Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.
58. And Jesus said unto him, Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.
59. And he said unto another, Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
60. Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God.
61. And another also said, Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house.
62. And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
Last week we did talk about what it was like down in the valley after the time of the great glory of the transfiguration. Some of the disciples were able to see into the divine supernatural glory of God as it shined upon Jesus and transfigured Him. We saw that down in the valley after that great experience was spiritual warfare waiting for them. We saw that after the glory seemed to have passed over there was the ministry of suffering and the announcement that Jesus would suffer and that His kinship, the Messiah-ship would not be like the disciples have pre-figured and thought it would be. We also looked briefly at the problem of selfish unworthy ambitions that were rising up in the hearts of the disciples. These kinds of things had to be contended with as they tried to get ready to follow Jesus into real discipleship ministry. We also saw the problem of being judgmental and exclusive about who is going to work for God and who would be qualified. A lot of problems just cropped up all of a sudden when they got down in the valley beyond the mountain of glory.
Tonight we continue in that same vein of thought to talk about the cost of discipleship, what it really means to follow Jesus. We will see in this gospel as well as all the gospels the tremendous challenge that Jesus faced to begin to turn the focus of the disciples' attention away from the here and now and their longings for glory and great power to cope with the day-to-day life they needed to live and ministry they needed to perform. A lot of people are suddenly after they first get in touch with God and especially receive a divine call and sort of come down from the mountain of His glory, they are continually overwhelmed when faced with the realities of what it means for a person to deny himself and take up his cross and follow Jesus. These realities sometimes scare some people and sometimes hinder others and they cause, they seem to be too great a price for people to pay in order to follow Jesus and perform the ministry to which He has called them.
I want us to look at three particular things in this passage tonight that have to be reckoned with. They are realities, the kind of costs that have to be paid in order to follow the Lord Jesus. The first one is to have a Christ-like attitude toward people. I don't know exactly how to say this to make it sound like it should, but I think one of the symptoms of burn-out in ministry and in service to God is shown and revealed when people begin to have the wrong attitude toward other people and fail to see them as Christ saw them.
Some years ago I was overwhelmed when I began to think about how Christ sees this world. With all of its sin, with all of its rebellion, with all of its rejection of the gospel, with all of its attitudes that are prompted by the power of Satan, yet it is the world of people that God so loved. One man has talked a great deal about when you have church-growth eyes and evangelism eyes and missionary eyes, you see the world as God sees the world, through eyes of love and compassion and understanding. This first example really illustrates that to a great extent. Because Jesus now has set His face to go to Jerusalem, it is going to mean suffering. He's already told them twice that He must go and must suffer many things and it is going to mean suffering and hardship the rest of His earthly journey. Yes, there will be triumphs and victories and miracles and all kinds of things, but He is setting His face with determination to do the will of the Father. That's what I'm really talking to you about: doing the will of God regardless of the cost that we have to pay in order to do His perfect will. When He determined to go, He sent some disciples on ahead of Him to open up the way in a sense and determine the attitude of people. They went to the Samaritans and the Samaritans rejected Him. We do not quite understand why they rejected Him because His face was toward Jerusalem, but there are a lot of things involved in that. It could have been racial and religious prejudice for one thing. You know the story of John which elaborates that great theme of the racial and spiritual prejudice that was involved in the Samaritan woman and the Samaritans when she spit out at Jesus that He was a Jew. She tried to start arguments with Him over racial and religious subjects, but finally Jesus broke through it all and He showed us with the tremendous attitude and method and way of reaching in to the lives of people who are rejecting and who are bound down with all kinds of prejudice and are hard to open up their lives to receive the gospel. He shows us how to get through all that and get deep in the hearts of people with the Spirit and the Word of God.
So they rejected Jesus. This really filled the disciples with what we will call righteous indignation. It might have been a lot worse than that but I'm trying to be kind. They said, "Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven and consume these people that won't accept you? Like Elijah did on one occasion?" And He said, He rebuked them. He said, "You don't know what kind of spirit that's really working on you. The kind of attitude and spirit that's working in your life now about these people who reject, it's the wrong kind of spirit because the Son of Man came not to destroy, but He came to give life and to save men's lives." Now that's the attitude, that's the key we're talking about here; the Christ-like attitude in dealing with people to save them, not judge them, not bring down wrath upon them.
I heard of one man who preached for some weeks at a place and he folded up his Bible and said, "Take them, devil. God don't want them." Nobody made a move. Nobody responded. It was hard to determine what the outcome of that might very well be. But I want to tell you that it is very easy to become impatient with folks who don't see the light that we see. It is very easy to become impatient with people who don't open their hearts to the Word and to the truth. As a pastor for 30 years and as a preacher for all these many years, there is something about it that when somebody walks out on a sermon and stomps out when you're preaching, you can't help but be touched by it. I remember a young man who walked out one night while I was preaching and that was the last message he ever heard. It was the last time he was in church until they brought him in for his funeral just in a few days, less than a week.
When people reject God, when they reject the Lord, when they keep on turning away and turning to their sin, it is very easy for us to lose patience and lose burden and lose vision and be ready to turn aside to some other place and go to a different village, so to speak. But Jesus said that's not the way. Just because somebody has rejected today that doesn't mean that they will reject tomorrow. One of the hard lessons that I learned as a young preacher is you don't so quickly give up on folks who reject God or who reject the church. I've learned that lesson over and over and over again when the lives of great saints of God who held on in faith and in prayer until their loved ones came in. Some of them came in on a late date, but oh thank God they came in because they had continually built a wall of love and a wall of concern and a wall of care around the lives of their loved one. So in doing the will of God, first of all, is to be motivated by the spirit of love for people.
I know there are some people, and we've seen it in times past, some people who seek to become great and become superstars in ministry. They love crowds and hate people. They like the crowds to come and give their applause and their money, but when it comes to being with them on a one-to-one basis, and walking with them over rocky roads and walk with them through valleys of sorrow and death and being with them in times of sickness and trouble, they have very little time for anything like that. Jesus is saying here "If you are going to do my work and follow me and be with me, you will need to love people and purpose in your heart to save men's lives, not destroy, not consume." Because the enemy of our loved ones and friends, that is his purpose to steal and to kill and to destroy. That is his method. That is his attitude. That is his spirit; to steal, to kill, and to destroy. I think sometimes we need to pray for a fresh, new burden for the lost and a fresh, new burden of love for people who have rejected Christ.
Part of the real cost of discipleship is relating to people, and seeing them through the eyes of compassion and love that Jesus has. We are told so many times in the gospels that He was moved with compassion. I learned something about compassion some time back. I learned that when you are touched with the compassion of the Lord it is heaven's invitation for you to perform some good and wonderful and glorious work in behalf of somebody. I've said that before, but I think it bears repeating, when you're moved upon with compassion to pray for somebody, it is an open invitation for God to move in a special way or He wouldn't even touch you with that compassion in the first place. People that we wouldn't even think of talking to about their soul or trying to win when you are moved with compassion, there is a boldness and a love that constrains and compels, that brings power and brings people in touch with the grace of God. So that is the first cost of this walking and following Jesus in discipleship and ministry, is to have this compassion and this Christ-like attitude toward people, even people who reject the gospel.
In the second place, Jesus has experiences here, three particular experiences with people, that show us – all three experiences show us that there is to be nothing to hinder us from immediate absolute obedience. First of all, one man said "I will follow You, wherever You go, Lord. It does not matter where You go." He didn't realize what he was saying. Because Jesus understood the person's heart, He said "If you're going to follow me, you've got to get ready for something you've never done before because the foxes and the animals have dens and places of safety and rest and security. The fowls of the air have their nests. But the Son of Man doesn't have a house. He has no place, no bed, no place to lay His head that He calls His own." That first hindrance has to do with a house, possessions, comfort in life. I've seen some people make shipwreck because they were going to try to get it all fixed just right before they launched out.
I have some good friends who came to this city to study for the ministry. They got caught up with a house. They are taking care of family. They were making money and have not performed ministry and they've suffered divorce. Jesus knew that for this person not having a home, not having a house would keep him from following Jesus. He said to one man, "You follow me." And he said, "Alright, but let me first go and bury my parents." He didn't mean they were dead right then, but what he meant was, let me go and take care of them until they pass away and then I'll be free. That might take years. Jesus does not want us to postpone obedience to His leading and His will. He knows how to take care of parents who are aged. I want to tell you when they are in His hands, they are in lot better hands than ours anyway. I know sometimes as a young couple, my wife and I left our home in Mississippi and a lot of times we left our parents weeping and we were weeping ourselves. On the other hand, I have known people whose parents got in the way. I knew one young man, I advised, I pled with him and he said, "I'm called to preach." I told him, "You ought to come on to Cleveland. You ought to come to Lee College and get some Bible training and prepare for the ministry." His parents stepped in and hindered and said "No, we want you to stay here in the business. We are afraid that you won't be able to get along well enough." They were worried about him. That young man went back on God. He became unfaithful, lost his wife, remarried and today he is back with the Lord and preaching the gospel but his influence and his ministry is sorely limited because he didn't obey the Lord when the Lord said to come on out.
I'm not talking about just answering the call of ministry to preach the gospel. I'm talking about being a disciple of Jesus Christ and allowing things that hinder and get our minds off of following Him and understanding His perfect will and trying to have our own will at the same time. One fellow said "Well, I will follow you, but I want to go and tell my friends good-bye." Jesus knew what that meant and how long it might take him, and he might be persuaded not to venture out.
And then he brought us this final illustration of not looking back. First, we are to have a Christ-like attitude toward people. Next, we are not to let anything or anybody hinder us from immediately obeying the will of the Father. And then, we are to never look back. I followed a man once in ministry who looked back. He said, "I'll never pastor another bunch of knot-heads like these." Now, that's some way to address the saints of God because I found out there were some of the greatest saints of God that ever lived that he was calling knot-heads. But he would look back and he would look back for material things. He got involved with wanting to make it big and later he came and visited and he bragged about his clothes and the price of his suits and the price of his shoes. But he has never had ministry since. Never look back. Jesus put it this way. He used a plain, simple kind of illustration that I could understand perfectly myself. He said, "No person that puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit or worthy for the kingdom of God." Now as a country boy raised on a farm who has plowed, I know what that illustration is really saying. Because to look back, you've either got to stop the plowing and turn around and take a look, or worse still, try to keep on plowing and looking back, you can really make a mess of things and plow some crooked furrows. Now I've done that. I have to admit. I've been looking back at something that caught my attention and plow up about a 10' space of cotton. You don't want your daddy to be anywhere around when you do something like that. This thing of looking back causes people to mess up. That's the simple way of putting it. This is what Jesus is saying. You better keep your eyes on what you are doing. You have to keep looking forward. You have to watch where you are going. You have to watch where you are leading and how you are plowing. I've graduated finally from mules to tractors, but the same principle applies. You can't just sit up on a big tractor and look every which way and look back without wreaking havoc all over the field. That's exactly what happens when some people start looking back and they quit following the Lord Jesus Christ. They mess up and they cause a lot of others to suffer. You know we still grieve over people who have turned back. I don't have time to talk to you about illustrations from the Scripture and also from real life about the tragedy of looking back like Lot's wife, who somehow became entangled and get their attention. Listen folks, this thing about living for Christ, and being a witness, and being a disciple, and serving the Lord requires absolute attention to what we are doing and following the One who is leading, keeping our eyes on Him. Oh, hallelujah!
We try to figure too much out. We make baubles, but as long as we keep in sharp focus, spiritual focus what is set before us, and that brings me back to the thought I opened with in conclusion. Jesus set His face to go to Jerusalem. It was going to mean suffering and death and He chose that. Nothing would deter Him. Nothing would sidetrack Him. Nothing would turn Him around. Nothing would cause Him, even if His closest disciples tried to rebuke Him and said, "Lord, not you. No, you're not to die. No, Lord, it's going to be a different kind of kingdom." And He would have to say, "Get thee behind me, Satan." Even if it was His own loved ones. John gives us the picture in his gospel of how His own brothers did not believe on Him and made some wild suggestions to Him. But Jesus had His face set. What I think that really means is what the lady said when she stood up and testified and she said, "I've got a made up mind that I'm going to heaven." I think that's what it means. I think somehow by the grace of God when we can actually set our face. One of the gospels gives the picture of a flint, like a flint, like an arrow that is shot straight toward its mark and nothing will deter it or turn it aside. When you've got your heart set, your face set, your mind made up, then nothing turns you aside. That's discipleship. So following Jesus in discipleship means putting Him and His will as the most important thing in our lives. I'm not sure I can tell you how it feels to be out of God's will. I feel like my wife and I have prayed earnestly in all our times and that we've followed the leading of the Lord and were in His will. But I have known some friends that got out of His will. I had one good friend whose father was one time the pastor of this church. He had a few problems. He was in a great church doing well, but he had some problems and he called the overseer and got an exchange and left. After he loaded up that U-Haul moving truck and started to pull out of that city, he stopped because his tears were blinding him and he couldn't see how to drive. He got out and leaned across his car and wept like his heart would break. He told me, "Joe, I knew right then I was leaving God's will." He never seemed to find it again. He died with some bitterness and some disappointment at a young age with heart trouble. I would hate to be out of God's will. I don't quite know how to identify with somebody like that. But oh, let me tell you the most wonderful place in this world, regardless of the circumstances, is to be in the will of God. Not looking back, but going forward in faith following the Lord Jesus Christ.
Most of you in this house tonight have already done that. You've almost completed your journey. But even when we get closer and closer to the end, that is the time to keep in sharp focus what lies ahead and the reward that is coming. I'm going to ask you to pray that God would indeed help us to continue to do the perfect will of God in our lives.
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There's a She-Wolf in the Closet, Let Her Out So She Can Depose Her Husband.Posted: February 23, 2014 Filed under: Regulars | Tags: Affair, Edward I, Edward II, Edward III, England, France, Gay, Homosexual, Hugh Despenser, Illegitimate, Isabella of France, medieval, Middle Ages, Piers Gaveston, Roger Mortimer, Scandal, Sex 3 Comments
Move over, Shakira, there's a new BAB (badass bitch)™ in town. And by "new" I mean she was born roughly 700 years ago, and by "town" I mean medieval England, but still, potato/potabo. Enter Isabella of France, wife of King Edward II of England. Gurl had some mad haters in her time, and the shade they were throwing in the 14th century casts a longass shadow. Even though she was noted for her beauty, intelligence, and diplomacy, just because, like *one* time, she usurped her husband's throne, probably had him murdered, and co-ruled with her lover, she has forever been labeled as The She-Wolf of France, and drawn as a manipulative, sadistic, vain, femme fatale. Whatever. Fuckem. Bitches Get Stuff Done.
So our weebaby scandalite is born probably in 1295, daughter of King Philip Eye-Vee of France, ruler of the most powerful state in Western Europe at the time. All of her brothers became kings, and, as was customary, Isabella was promised as an infanta to Edward II (New Moon) of England. Edward's father (Edward Twilight, whom you know from the 1995 pre-meltdown Mel Gibson classic, Braveheart as "that old guy in the crown"), for some reason which Wikipedia did not make clear to me, tried to dissolve the union several times before his death. But, once he kicked it in 1307, the 23-year-old Edward and the 12-year-old Isabella were free to pursue wedded bliss.
Why? Because Edward was gayer than Christmas, that's why.
Well, no—Edward was most likely bisexual, as he and Isabella did eventually have four children, and he had at least one illegimate son by an unknown woman (which I like to imagine means she was a ghost, kind of like Patrick Swayze was that one time), and there is considerable scholarly debate over whether Edward actually had romantic relationships with men (fueled not least by issues of interpreting concepts of medieval sexuality, homosexuality, and male friendship [and for an awesome introduction to these queries, plus a bit of academic titillation, check this nifty volume]). But still, the warning signs were there right from the start that Edward's spankbank wasn't filled exclusively with sweet, sweet ladybits.
Just quick, let's have a tidge of context about Edward: though he was a strapping young buck, the heir apparent apparently shied from traditional kingly pursuits such as jousting, hunting, warfare, bloodshed, mayhem, and dick-measuring contests, in favor music, poetry, and "rural crafts." Edward had a special little hole (in his heart) that was plugged by a nobleman named Piers Gaveston. Apparently, "as soon as the king's son (Edward II) saw him, he fell so much in love that he entered upon an enduring compact with him"—which is sweet and all, but hanging on the arm of another dude like you're the hottest wife in Stepford is 200% not cool in 1300. Edward I banished Gaveston a bunch of times to try to unhook his whore talons from Edward II, but I guess as soon as the king kicked it, Jr. saw this as an opportunity to not only marry his supahrich child-bride, but also debut his boytoy in one big ol' "fuck you, dad, you're dead" fell-swoop.
At her marriage banquet, Izzie watched all her presents given to Gaveston (I mean really, one man can only use so many chip n' dips), and at her coronation, the halls were hung with custom tapestries bearing the coats of arms of Edward and Gaveston. …If TLC had gone all Four Weddings on that biznass, I'm pretty sure even Isabella's sister wives would have given her pity points. That shit's rough.
Isabella apparently resigned herself to a life of neglect and humiliation in the wake of her husband's brazen hussiness. She befriended Gaveston's wife and I assume they spent lots of hours bitching about their sham marriages in their finely illuminated Burn Book of Hours.
BUT, after merely four winters of discontent, in 1312, tensions between Edward and his barons over Gaveston's power in court had reached a boiling point. After being banished once again by the peerage, and recalled once again by Edward, Piers was finally kidnapped by a couple of earls, who handed him over to a couple of Welshmen, who promptly rid the world of that turbulent puff.
Sidenote: This is in direct opposition to what I remember of the
stunning, delicate, cinema vérité death of a character based on Gaveston in the aforementioned Braveheart, in which Edward I pushes his son's lover out a window, squealing like a piglet. No, now I find there's a dignity in truth afforded to the poor soul, knowing he was in fact taken out to the ass end of Wales and beheaded by a couple of sheepfuckers.
Anyway, Edward was so distraught by Gaveston's murder that he went all Norman Bates and kept his corpse around for a while before the Church finally forced him to bury it (Ew. Ew. Ew. EwewewEW.). But, with his lover gone in an arguably tragic turn of events, Edward had to pull it together. He put on his big-boy jerkin and favorite Bobbi Brown lipstick, and knocked up the wife he suddenly remembered he had. For England; for the Plantagenets; for something to do on a Thursday night.
So Isabella and Edward had a son in 1312, the future Edward Eclipse, but despite producing a healthy male successor, the political situation in England was increasingly unstable: ties between France and England were weakening, Edward had his ass decidedly handed to him with a side of tatties and neeps by the Scots at Bannockburn, a royal pretender showed up claiming to have been switched at birth with Edward (though he brought very little charming, lesson-learning, folksy-wisdom, and good-old-fashioned-adventure to this Twainesque episode, and thus totally deserved his eventual execution), and the barons were still having a hissy fit about how Edward threw around his power—particularly in light of his new advisor/bum-chum, Hugh Despenser the Younger.
(Also, there was a famine—which I would say was like the cherry on top of a shit sundae, but it's probably more apt to say it's like the restaurant never bringing you the sundae to begin with, charging you twice, then giving you a plague blanket rather than a mint on your way out.)
Isabella hated Hugh the Younger, because, in all honesty, he sounds like a total, utter, certified, signed-sealed-delivered, midnight-train-to-Georgia douche. Hugh had campaigned against Gaveston and actively displaced Edward's rebound after Gaveston, a man named Roger d'Amory (Dare I say they engaged in amorous rogering? No? Too much? Ok.), so he could get into the king's affections. He held huge political sway over who was in favor at court, and he and Edward instituted massive programs of land confiscation, large scale imprisonment, execution, and the persecution of the widows of their enemies. Hugh in particular wrongfully seized a bunch of land from female nobility (including his wife and his sister-in-law)(!!!!??!!1!), and apparently had one woman's arms and legs broken until she went insane. *teethsuckholyshitfuckthatdude* It has been hypothesized that because Hugh so clearly hated women, and that because Isabella hated Hugh with such a passion, he had sexually assaulted her at some point, but either way, he was horrible, even by medieval standards.
He and Edward made like a shitload of enemies between 1320 and 1326 who plotted a myriad ways to kill them, including—I'm not kidding—voodoo. In response to a brewing war between Edward and the English nobility spurred on by Hugh, Isabella forcibly took a greater role in politics, and attempted to get the Despensers exiled several times, but Edward always manged to bring them back, like a bad penny, or herpes. Edward finally gave her one of his trademark kissoffs by confiscating all her lands, imprisoning all her staff, and taking all her kids. He wanted her to sign an oath of loyalty to Hugh, but she was rightfully like, "fuck that noise," and in 1325 she returned to France, gathered an army with the help of her brother, Charles IV, and the really pissed off English nobles, and a hot little slice named Roger Mortimer.
Disclaimer: Mortimer and Isabella might have been having an affair back in England, but either way, once in France, the queen finally got the crowning she deserved (that doesn't make sense, sorry, whatever, they boned a lot, let's move on).
In 1326, this mediaeval Bonne y Clyd invaded with a very small force, but such was the state of Edward's unpopularity that the country essential descended into mob rule at the news of her arrival. She laid siege to Bristol and retrieved her daughters, and soon captured Edward and Hugh as they tried to flee the country. Isabella or her followers essentially killed every higher-up still allied with Edward, with Hugh given a particularly humiliating public castration and disembowelment (Ew. Ew. Ew. EwewewewEW). Edward was placed under house arrest rather than executed, since he was legally still Isabella's husband, and her legal basis for deposing him was minimal (even though bitch showed mad restraint for sitting it out as long as she did, if you ask me). Her son was confirmed as Edward III, with Isabella acting as regent. Somewhere along the way, Edward II dies—it's unclear whether he was assassinated or simply died in prison, but the most sensational story is that he had a heated fire poker shoved up his butthole (EWWWW).
Now Edward really was a first class tit, but I don't know if anyone really deserves to have the last of the red hot pokers nonconsensually inserted into their ass. But, you know, Middle Ages, anything goes.
Isabella and Mortimer co-ruled for about four years until her son came of age and promptly deposed his mom's main squeeze. She had a nervous breakdown, and was briefly arrested, but eventually was give a massive pension and remained in close contact with the court and her grandchildren. And, like many retirees and shut-ins, she developed an interest in astrology. So, all's well that ends well in the land of Medieval Times: where women who engage in the same shitty, philandering, power-obsessed activity as their shitty, philandering, power-obsessed husbands are forever remembered as despicable SeeYouNextTuesdays.
"Brother, Can You Spare A Line?" or, For Shame! presents: Siblings Week!!Posted: September 2, 2013 Filed under: Regulars, Theme Week | Tags: Charlemagne, Illegitimate children, medieval, Middle Ages, Scandal, Sex, Sibling Week Leave a comment
Hello Scandalites! It's back to school time, and in honor of all the wee baby scandal-lovers that are headed, freshfaced, off to another year of
equality-promoting peace-mongering liberal bullshit indoctrination higher education, For Shame! brings you a theme week close to our collective hearts: Siblings Week.
LH and MR are not the only historically minded gossip hounds in the respective B and G families, no, no! We've got raunchy tales of debauchery, told in the blog's trademark (charmingly) foul tongue, and served hot and salacious by the native brilliance of REB and AMG. Their posts won't necessarily be about scandalous bloodlines, but trust us when we say that the our fascination with ye-olde p-in-v is clearly genetic.
Unfortunately, KAB's siblings are, in her words, "lame," and will not be participating unless there's some kind of 11th hour sports movie miracle. But, we love her anyway, so we're not too put out. And I, JAF, have been tasked to introduce this exciting new foray into having other people write posts for us, because sadly I was destined to tread the paths of this earth in fraternal exile, carrying on the legacy of the great House of F solely upon mine well-developed shoulders. Either that, or I resorbed all my potential siblings in the womb, we may never know.
So, as a bit of an appeteaser for the week (and, in vain personal honor of my recently completed master's dissertation on "The Medieval Ages"), I've got a mini post about the all kinds of fucked that Charlemagne's 18 kids were.
Now, Charlemagne himself was a pretty scandalicious slab of man meat. He was shredded like lettuce, over six feet tall, with soul-piercing blue eyes, and a luscious ginger mane and a magical mustache that just begged to give rides. He was generous with his cashmoney, his kingdom essentially created the French and German empires, his patronage of the arts created a cultural renaissance, and he loved to partay, but disliked drunkenness (because he had class, bitchez). He had four and a half wives (one was annulled, but whatever, they totally boned), five known concubines, and probably like a bazillion other pieces on the side, because, come on, he's the most powerful man in Christendom and he looks like a Ken doll. What wench in her right girlbrains isn't gonna try and get into those hose, amirite?
Via these prime lays, Charlie, in his seventy odd years in this mortal coil, sired a slew of progeny: 11 ladybabies, and 7 normies (boys). He was exceedingly devoted to all of his children, legitimate and otherwise. They willingly traveled with him nearly everywhere he went, including military campaigns, and were uniformly highly educated in The Seven Liberal Arts. These, thankfully, have evolved from the totes blahh originals of "Grammar, Rhetoric, Dialectic, Arithmetic, Geometry, Astronomy, and Music," to "BuzzFeed, Facebook, YouTube, Tumblr, Twitter, Wikipedia, and Intro Psych."
His sons populated the governmental and clerical hierarchy of early medieval Europe (proving the old maxim that kids are "cheaper by the dozen and a half when made for dynastic purposes"), but his daughters were essentially left to their own devices….which was fucking.
There was a reason ol' Charles was in charge, and he foresaw that if his daughters legally attached their ladybits to corresponding men, he'd have more sons-in-law than you could shake a crosier at, grabbing for a piece of his Holy Roman EmPIEre (DOYOUSEEWHATIDIDTHERE????). So, they were allowed to carry on as many relationships as they wanted, but they could never marry. No forced marriages, no political arrangements were ever made. His daughters' common-law husbands were even rewarded with places in court (one was actually canonized), and Charles reportedly "loved the shit out of" the buttloads of illegitimate grandchildren which were produced, BECAUSE MAYBE HE TOTALLY WANTED HIS DAUGHTERS TO BE HAPPY LIKE MAYBE JUST A LITTLE I DON'T KNOW EMOTIONS AND STUFF.
Anyway, this fairy tale called eighth-century France ends when Charlemagne dies in 814 and his son, Louis the
Wetblanket Pious, takes over and locks up his sisters who haven't entered the monastic life for being slorebags.
So that's my fast n' nasty introduction to Sibling Week—stay tuned for more scandal de la familia!*
*accurate Italian.
Sacrilicious.Posted: March 9, 2013 Filed under: Regulars | Tags: Marozia, medieval, Middle Ages, Pope Benedict IX, Pope Joan, Pope John X, Pope John XII, Pope Julius III, Pope Paul II, Pope Sergius III, Pope Sixtus IV, popes, Scandal, Sex Leave a comment
Dearest readers, what better way to begin your bleary-eyed Saturday mornings than with a strong cup of coffee for your overworked bloodstream, and a cup of knowledge for your mindbelly: an only slightly belated super topical post about dirty Popes!
Now please internet, this is not to say that we here at for shame! are in any way accusing Pope Benedict XVI of doing any of the things we're about mention—in fact, every one of these holy perpetrators lived in my own very favorite times, the Medieval Times ™, and as we've established, anything goes before the Renaissance, heyo!
Also, most of this is probably totally bullshit, and anyway, to err is human, etc., etc.
Alsoalso, it wasn't 100% completely mandatory for someone in holy office to be celibate until 1139, but let's just say it was a pretty good idea if you weren't dipping your wick in very saucy inkpot that came along.
Thricealso, MRG has already touched on the beauty of beatific sin, so you should probably read that too because it's excellent.
Quadralso, all of these men have been dead for a reaaaaally long time, and no further defamation can been brought upon their reputations that hasn't already been set down in a textbook you were maybe probably definitely supposed to read for your intro to religion class in freshman year but were too busy making desperate eyes across the library floor at the junior field hockey bros. Ha, turned that shit back around, now didn't I!
So be quiet, sit back, and enjoy a list (because there's a lot here, and I'm just as tired as you this aftermorningnightnoon) in which we bring you history's most scandalous papal authorities. More like Holy LOVEsee, amirite???!!?!?
Pope Sergius III (904-911)—the father of Pope John XI, but NBD, they did that a lot though in the early Middle Ages. Oh, those wacky papal dynasties! The better bit involves Sergius' ladylove, Marozia, a Roman nobelwoman and senatrix—that's right Latinfans, a lady senator! Marozia was John XI's mother, BUT, after Sergius died, she started sleeping with his sucessor…..
Pope John X (914-928)—he gave Marozia the title of senatrix. She was seen by many historians as the power behind the papal throne, and probably an inspiration for the legend of Pope Joan (which, unfortunately so soon after International Lady's Day, I have to debunk as medieval myth—take my word for it, I'm an historian.).
So while John X was fooling around with Marozia, HE WAS ALSO SLEEPING WITH HER MOM, THEODORA!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!111!!!!!11!! She was characterized by a contemporary chronicler, Liutprand of Cremona as being a "shameless whore… [who] exercised power on the Roman citizenry like a man." Which, is actually kind of a compliment. Own it Theodora, own it. Through her powerful poonnections, Theodora got Marozia married off to Alberic I, duke of Spoleto in 909, whose supah riches didn't stop him getting killed in 924.
At some point, Marozia turns against John X, and after Alberic dies, marries John's archnemesis, Guy of Tuscany. They then attack Rome, arrest John (Guy smothers him with a pillow, #goodnightsweetpope), and Marozia sets up two puppet popes, Leo VI and Stepehen VII until her son, John XI comes of age in 931 and can be made head of all Christendom from 931-935.
Guy dies in 929, and in 932 Marozia marries her halfbrother, Hugh of Arles (more like Ewwww of Arrghdonttouchme!!!!1! Ahh, shit, I'm on fire today.), King of Italy. Marozia's son, Alberic II, from her marriage with Alberic is NOT into this, and instead of sending a polite decline to the wedding invite, he brings an army to their wedding, imprisons his mom, chases his stepdadhalfuncle out of Rome.
She dies probably in 936, but still, woman did werk. Check this: Her other son with Alberic, David, was father of Pope Benedict VII (974-983). Alberic II was father to Pope John XII (955-964), and a kid named Gregory, who would father both Pope Benedict VIII (1012-1024), and Pope John XIX (1024-1032), and another son called Alberic III who would father Pope Benedict IX (1012-1055) (he was an antipope, but it totally still counts).
Phew, so I know that was a lot, but to sum up, Theodora and Marozia either slept with, controlled, or directly or indirectly sired 8, count 'em, 8 popes, arguably the most powerful position of authority in medieval Europe.
I, on the other hand, haven't gotten out of bed today. Hey, different strokes.
The others are far less complicated, but no less interesting. Please stand by for further popesex in 5, 4, 3, 2,
Pope John XII (955-963, son of Alberic II)—was described as having has a collection of women, and making the sacred palace into a whorehouse, and living the lifestyle much more suited to a secular prince than, you know, a pope. He apparently had a thing for adultery, sleeping with (according to our old, reliable friend, Luitprand), "the widow of Rainier, with Stephana, his father's concubine, with the widow Anna, and with his own niece." Some historian I'd never heard of calls him "the Christian Caligulia," which is a fine bit of alliteration, if I do say so myself, sir! Also, his mistress could be another progenitrix for the Pope Joan myth (It doesn't really matter, because either way, the medieval people were just hellafraid of a ladypope. I get it, I mean, she probably would have redecorated all that gilt and incense and heavy velvet and made everything sooooo gaudy.). Apparently John died Downtown-Abbey style, after being stricken with paralysis during sex. That, or he was murdered moste fowlee by a jealous husband—either works for me.
Pope Benedict IX (1032-1044, 1045, 1047-1048, and son of Alberic III. These guys are everywhere!)—he was ousted twice in favor of other, probably less shitty popes, as you will see. Apparently, he was between 18 and 20 (or maybe even 11 or 12) when he became pope, and had no actual qualifications other than family connections. An actually holy man, St. Peter Damian, described him as "feasting on immorality" (which, in my mind, is like a chocolate fountain with the insane calories as a proverbial stand-in for sin). He was probably homosexual, but it also just seems like he slept with anything that moved. There's intimations that he also killed and raped people, which seems like a fast escalation from "orgy," but then again, if the Middle Ages were anything like a Starz show, then he was probs burying bodies like erryday.
Pope Paul II (1464-1471)—alleged by some to have died from indigestion because he ate too many melons. That's "science," and I don't understand it, so I'm going to go with the rumor that he actually died while having the secks with another man.
Pope Sixtus IV (1471-1484)—handed out papal offices in return for blahjays. Jeanyus.
Pope Julius III (1550-1555)—had a hugely scandalous relationship with Cardinal Innocenzo Ciocchi del Monte, who he took in as a ward from the street, then made cardinal when he became Pope. Innocenzo was totally unsuited to the responsibility he was given, but the two openly shared a bed, and nobody could really tell him to GTFO, and it was just a PR nightmare for the Church at the time. When he died, nobody was all that sad.
So on that note, the end!
A Good Round of Heavy Petrarching.Posted: November 3, 2012 Filed under: Regulars | Tags: Canzoniere, Dark Ages, Italy, Laura, Literature, Middle Ages, Petrarch, Renaissance, Scandal, Sex, unrequited love 2 Comments
Hey guys. Hey. It's me. JAF. I'm not dead. I'm not even critically injured, horrifically maimed, or otherwise physically incapacitated. I'm just lazy. So incredibly, amazingly, astoundingly, mind-bendingly lazy.
I last appeared as a blip on the proverbial blogosphere radar 6 months ago, and I genuinely have no adequate reason for my absence from this, my internet baby. So I'll just put it out there that MRG, LHB and KAB are the best (and most forgiving) minds of my generation and thankfully they have not been destroyed by the madness of my Chris McCandlessian self-indulgence. Thank you, bless you, I'm sorry, let's move on.
As it so happens, I am currently back in the Old Country, from whence the germ of this blog was first conceived, studying the things I study the best—whiskey, unfiltered cigarettes, odd sleeping hours, and Medieval Literature. So as a "welcome back, old bean" sort of post, I'd like to introduce you to a dear, dear frienemy of mine, Petrarch.
I often ask myself hypothetical questions to while away the hours in between my various pretentious activities, and I have pondered on more than one occasion, "Can I have a deep and
completely only somewhat irrational antipathy towards someone that I have not only never met, but who died approximately 600 years ago?" When it comes to Petrarch, the answer is absofuckinglutely.
You see, Francesco Petrarca, as the Eyetalyuns knew him, was the first to call that roughly thousand year period between the Fall of Rome and the beginnings of the European Renaissance, "The Dark Ages."
What an utter bastard he was.
As a member of the Italian intellectual class, and an early Renaissance humanist, Petrarch didn't cast too kindly an eye upon the lives and times of his forefathers—and who can blame him, really? The oceanic-trench of a chip on my shoulder about how people don't "appreciate" the "cultural" "flowering" of the medieval period is my cross to bear, and hopefully some day I'll be able to hear that most well-meaning of phrases, "Oh, you study the Middle Ages? So you like Ren Faires, right?" without weeping. So, as a staunch defender of my world lit only by fire, I fundamentally despise Petrarch in the same way that popular fiction tells us dogs fundamentally have to pee on fire hydrants.
But I also feel bad for Petrarch. You see, among all his genuine achievements—like collecting, preserving and translating a multitude of Classical writings that would most likely been lost without his efforts, and various original writings on Christian philosophy, diplomacy and the usage of the Latin language—Petrarch is, and probably will only ever be, remembered best for his incredibly passionate, declarative poems to a woman he met once.
There's a certain type of sympathy (alright, it's actually pity) I reserve for men who spend their lives writing reams to a slampiece they'll never have. Everyone knows this is a well–honored literary tradition—Petrarch was by no means the first sad sonovabitch to lust after that (always) perfect and (always, for some unfathomable reason) unobtainable poon, nor will he be the last. But thank Jesus for those men down the ages who have tried to come to terms with their goshdarned unfortunate sexual frustration through painfully personal verse, and, either because of shamelessness or on the "advice" of vindictive friends, have decided to let the world in on their emotional constipation and published that shit. Well, thank Jesus for the talented ones, anyway.
Petrarch's muse was a lady named Laura. They supposedly met in church in 1327, and for the next forty years, almost to Petrarch's death, he put pen to parchment in her imaginary honor. The collection of his 366 poems is called Il Canzoniere, and is perhaps the biggest influence on love poetry in Europe for the next 300 years. Divided into two sections, "in vita," and "in morte" by Laura's death in 1348, Petrarch deals largely with the fact that no matter how much he loves Laura (which makes him happy), he can never have her (which makes him sad), so he refuses to pursue her (since that would be sinful, and sin makes him sad), and just has to deal with loving her passionately from a distance (which makes him sad-happy). (s'dappy).
It all sounds very "dear diary," since, well, you know, it is, but Petrarch can be forgiven for all the sex he ensured he was not having, because his poetry is so stupidly, asininely, heartbreakingly beautiful. Goddammit I just want to hate him, but he hurts my heart too much:
"If it, indeed, must be my fate,
and Heaven works its ways,
that Love close up these eyes while they still weep,
let grace see my poor body
be buried there among you
and let my soul return to its home naked;
then death would be less harsh
if I could bear this hope
unto that fearful crossing,
because the weary soul
could never in a more secluded port,
in a more tranquil grave,
flee from my poor belabored flesh and bones."
Fuck that.
So while it's not a particularly scandalous return, I stick by my choice. Because, like that other great Latin poet of libidinal verse said, "I hate and I love." So here's to you, Petrarch—you're too talented to join the great and ever-growing pantheon of pseudo-intellectuals which contains my other nemesi, but I can still have my revenge and tell
the readership of this mildly popular blog the world about how you spent your life alternating between verbally crying and masturbating over The Pussy on a Corinthian Column.
"Fortune and Love, and my own mind, which shuns
what it sees now and turns back to the past,
afflict me so that there are times I feel
envy for those who've reached the other shore.
While Love wears out my heart, Fortune deprives it
of any comfort, and my foolish mind
gets angry and it weeps—so in great pain
forever I must live and fight this way.
Nor can I hope the sweet days will return,
I see what's left me go from bad to worse,
and I've already run half of my course.
Alas, not made of diamond but of glass
all of my hope I see slip from my hands
and every thought of mine split down the middle."
What an utter bastard he was.
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore Because She's Too Busy Being Baller.Posted: September 13, 2011 Filed under: Regulars | Tags: Alice Perrers, Edward III, England, Middle Ages, Scandal, Sex, Wife of Bath Leave a comment
Short, sweet, medieval. Two out of those three are things I like.
Question: who makes great fucking scandals? The British Royal Family, that's fucking who.
In 1340 there was born a ladybaby named Alice Perrers to no great family or wealth. Though info on the lady herself is spotty, we know for certain that she was one of the most brazen hussies to dickhunt the Most Dangerous Game. Having been married at least twice before our scandal takes shape, she had little qualms about either releasing men back into the wilderness of heartache and shucking their own corn when she was done using their bodies and bankaccounts, or snagging some other poor bitch's main squeeze. Even if that main squeeze happened to be Edward III, King of England.
She beamed her fierce diva gaze in his direction at court and he was done. She's a notably scandalous mantrap, not just because of her affair, but because she securely held Edward, the Hammer of Medieval Manhood, by the pork and beans for the rest of his living days. She bore three children by him, and they were imbued with the mythic strength of royal bastards: they married richer than Rockefellers and spent the rest of their days shoving their parent's illegal boning in everybody's face.
Now I see you're all scratching your heads. What does she mean? I'd have most definitely remembered such a baller biddy before. Well unless you've never had to take an English class in your life, then you do know this fox with a mouth insured by Lloyd's of London. She's the inspiration for Chaucer's Wife of Bath.
Just a refresher for those who don't loll themselves to sleep at night with the classics of medieval epic poetry, the Wife of Bath is one of the best known and best developed women in English literature. Alyson, or simply Alys, she was a rebel without a pause, a figurehead for feminist and antifeminist views of the Middle Ages, and a quadruple-married SBW who knew what she wanted and used her poon and business accumen to snag it. Her whore talons grabbed onto the rich, the old, the poor and the facemeltingly hot, but she come out on top every time she was down, and each husband's head eventually exploded with her awesome. Read it for your goddamn selves, and raise a glass to Alice Perrers, forever immortalized as the greatest bitch this side of the Renaissance.
"Edward the Confessor," or, "My Overly-Impassioned Defense of the Middle Ages Will Never Allow Me to Become an Accepted and Functioning Member of Society."Posted: June 7, 2011 Filed under: Regulars | Tags: 1066, Anglo-Saxon, Bayeux Tapestry, celibacy, Edith of Wessex, Edward the Confessor, England, Godwin Earl of Wessex, Harold Godwinson, holding out, Middle Ages, Scandal, Sex Leave a comment
Ok, much like MRG, I'm going to start this off with some excuses. Hey, what better way? Anywho, I have not contributed to this blog because of many reasons. Namely, work (I clean toilets in hotels. I know, you're saying to yourself, "Why doesn't she just come up with brilliant entries and offensively crude slang terms for women while she pursues her mindless cleaning?" Answer: because instead I'm generally consumed with irrational rage/depression, prompted by the fact that my tip from any particular room is less likely to be monetary and more of the used condom variety.) (Also, fun fact, my official title really is, comically enough, "chambermaid." Most people don't believe me when I tell them that. Lord knows why.).
But, thanks to the wonders of a marathon True Blood viewing over the past few days (Admittedly, I'm not a big vampire fan, but what I do like, is high production values, southern-gothic revival, style over substance, supporting characters that are more interesting than main characters, and the hilariously prominent gap between Anna Paquin's teeth.), and since HBO has no qualms about a lot of sex in their programming, I'm back in the 'for shame mindset,' shall we say.
So I return to my roots–The Middle Ages. It's been far too long since we've touched on that great forgotten epoch, and in honor of the fact I did not fail either of my medievally-persuaded classes this past semester, I feel almost completely somewhat fully qualified to speak in a commanding tone on the general subject. Well, the tone is metaphorically commanding, considering that this is print, but whatever, you get it, let's move on.
Now, in no way to belittle any other posts from me or my fellow bloggers, MRG and LHB, but I feel as though we have touched far too little on sex scandals with braod-reaching historical significance. It occurs to me also, that maybe people see these dramatic word-portraits we paint as being less than serious. I understand, this is a humor blog, BUT, as Flannery O'Connor said, "A comic novel is very serious, for all comic novels that are any good must be written about matters of life and death." So let's get involved in some geopoliticalass scandal, shall we?
I'll set the scene: England. 1042. Shit's so real it hurts. Since the late 8th century the country has experienced continuous coastal assfucking from the Vikings, been occupied, tried to fight back, got raped some more, segregated the land like it was the Jim Crow South (too soon?), got raped a lot more, etc. Anyway, things eventually settled into an uneasy-to-say-the-least arrangement in which (this is a gross oversimplification) the native Angles-Saxons managed to reorder their country and include the Viking Danes who had settled there, though there is a definitely ethnic divide. A lot of money changed hands, and a lot of blood with spilt by guys with names like Sweyn Forkbeard and Ethelred the Unready to reach this arrangement. The English crown has been in dispute for over a century, and was juggled from generation to generation between an Anglo-Saxon or Danish family. A major component in all of this has been the fact that the Anglo-Saxons AND the Danes have also been dipping their wicks into Normandy, the closest section of France to England.
IMPORTANT: Normandy is the darkhorse in this whole thing. The one who sneaks up and wins the triple crown, or takes over a country, you know, whatever's convenient.
So to check our parts and make sure we know where we are—we've got a lot of political backstabbing going on between two groups who are overtly trying to live side by side, but actually would prefer to just push the others casually off the Cliff of Dover. People don't like each other. People want to kill each other. People feel like the other side is getting to cut the last piece of cake AND pick which half they want. Things Fall Apart. The Center Cannot Hold. Feelings Are Getting Hurt.
Enter Edward the Confessor (This was before English kings got Roman numerals, so we give them nifty little nicknames to delineate). Before he took the throne, there were many other claimants- some from abroad thanks to marriage, and a couple in Eddy's own back yard… An Anglo-Saxon, Edward had succeeded a Dane named Cnute (whose name has various other, even dirtier spellings) and his two short-reigning sons. Cnute was Edward's stepfather, because his second wife had been Edward's mom, Emma of Normandy (see, it's all coming together now). Edward's father and Cnute had both married her to not only strengthened their ties to Normandy, which was real verdent and shit, but also their descendants' claims to the throne. But even though Edward had a legitmate claim to the English crown, that did not mean succession was in any way easy. Actually it was really really not easy. Picture how much you didn't want to share a toy in kindergarten. Now picture that that toy is a country and everybody in kindergarten is willing to kill you/your family for that toy. Ta-da! That's the essence of the early Middle Ages.
See, thing about Edward is, he's been called one of the weakest kings in English history, namely because he left the country without an heir in a time of crisis. I'm talking no heir- not even a ladybaby. Historians tend to argue that he was either gay or extremely religous (hence the moniker, "Confessor"), and that's why his royal loins sired no fruit. But, having lived much of his life in terrified exile, running from the Saxons, Edward was in fact incredibly resourceful. He was an excellent warrior and close with his arguably brilliant mother, Emma, even after his father died and she was remarried to Canute. Edward restored the English monarchy through political accumen rather than force (even though he had the chance on several occasions in the 1030s). I personally believe Edward to have been a pretty fucking good guy, and his reign was also one of the longest during the period, considering kings were dropping like preteen panties at a Justin Bieber tour. And nobody, not even a member of the Brit royal family is going to be that much of a complete dickwad and take a vow of celibacy when the situation of his country was so precarious. No, I see a larger, far more scandalous reason Edward never produced an heir, and I also spy tragedy on yonder horizon. To explain:
Edward knew one of the potential claimants to his throne was the son of Godwin, Earl of Wessex, named Harold (There's several Harolds mixed up in this whole thing, but he's easy to remember since his last name is, logically enough, Godwinson.). Godwin had helped Edward get to the throne because he was an advisor of Edward's father, and the highest ranking lord in the country at the time, but he himself had no legitimate claim to the throne, so that's why he didn't swoop in like a giant douchvulture and take the crown for himself. Instead, Godwin tried to get in good with Edward, for the sake of his own progeny. He might have thought Edward was going to be controlled once he was on the throne, but no dice.
BUT, in 1036, before Edward was king, Edward and his older brother Alfred, the heir-apparent after Cnute's sons, were invited by their mother to come to England from Normandy. Cnute had died the year earlier, and she was out of favor with his donkeydick son, Harold Harefoot, so she wanted some support in the form of her strapping young warrior sons. The brothers traveled separately for safety, and when Alfred touched foot on English soil, guess who Harry H. sent to roll out the welcome wagon? GODWIN, EARL OF FUCKING WESSEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!11
Godwin kidnaps Alfred, blinds him and tortures him for like 5 days until he dies. In a dramatic retelling of the aftermath, Godwin somes to Harold with his deed:
Godwin- "Bro, just solved your succession problem!"
(they highfive)
Harold Harefoot- "Fuck yeah, dude! Wanna do a couple jagerbombs?" But midway through
Godwin- "Fuck yeah!" (pops his cowl and partakes joyously of the jagerbombs)
Harold- "Oh shit, I forgot about Edward, Alfred's punkass little brother."
Godwin- "Naw, no big, man. He had like a skirmish or something then went back to Normandy like a bitch. You're cool."
(they continue to partake of the jagerbombs. end scene)
Wrong, fuckers. Edward never forgets.
When Edward ascends the throne less than 10 years later in 1142 and Godwin tries to get all nice-nice up in his shit by offering his daughter, Edward said, "Of course I'll marry Edith and help put one of your loyal descendants on the throne!"
(^that's what he said when Godwin left the room.)
This theory
most definitely probably ignores a shitload of various contemporary factors, but it was shown that Edward did not have an easy relationship, even in a professional capacity, with Godwin. They disagreed on matters of policy both domestic and foreign, and Edward had Godwin banished in 1051. Edward and Edith were married in 1043, less than a year after he became king, and when her father was bannished, so was she. Forserious, it is entirely possible that Edward, who was a devout Christian, affected a vow of chastity for his own spiritual purity. But I'm gonna call bullshit.
By not putting his p in Edith's v, Edward felt there was little legitimate claim for the Godwinsons to his throne (there were in fact five son in the family). Harold Godwinson, who did infact succeed Edward in 1066, then promptly got an arrow in his eye, was possibly probably mildly maybe in Edward's good graces because his superdouche of a brother, Tostig, tried to bring England into a civil war, and Harold was like, "let's not do that." The best record we have of the time comes actually from Normandy, post-1066, called the Bayeaux Tapestry. Details are interpretive in many cases, but it seems as though, on his deathbed, Edward gave his family over to Harold for protection- except, yeah, ok, but Edward's 'family' was his estranged wife Edith, Harold's sister. That's like taking a book off of someone's shelf and handing it to them as a gift, saying, "From me to you. No, no, I insist. You deserve to have this." So like I said, it's a little hazy in here.
One of my greatest goals in life is to try and change the way society views medieval history (That, and to get a credit card that says "JAF, Esquire," but I think I need to have a law degree or a penis for that.). Our modern perception of the Middle Ages was crafted largely by the Renaissance and Enlightenment "historians" who were ready to assume that medieval people were both dumber than the "letters to the editor" page of the newspaper, as well as stunted, insensitive and with the emotional depth of a tea kettle (unless it came to prancing about in forest and fen with tights and a harp, and then medieval people were really tops). In essence- that they were less developed than Reniassance or Enlightenment historians.
But come on, guys! There is so much fire and life in this stuff! If you were Edward, why would you not want to give the ultimate "fuck you" to the son of the bastard who killed your brother? If you're Harold why would you not sell your brother down the river for a chance at the throne of England? If you're Edith, who very possibly helped author the Bayeux Tapestry, why would you not want to legitimize your brother's claim to the throne, and make your withholding husband look like a weak little bitch for the rest of history?
We're human: we felt just as much in 1011 as we do in 2011, and we can't all do the nobelest thing. Edward left his country without an heir, purposefully, one way or another, and for selfish reasons. But, in the wake of a leaderless England, the Normans were able to seize power, and while the immediate effect was devastating, it is certainly one of the most significant events in world history, and possibly the most important for the English-speaking world. The language, culture, customs and country became what it is because of the Norman influence, but Wikipedia can expound on that if you feel the need for further investigation. My main point appears to have been that a sex scandal can effect not simply a few people but the entire course of history, so never sell short the effect of doin' the nasty (or not, apparently).
JAF (Esquire)
A Kid, A Castration, and A Convent: The Story of Abelard and Helowhat?!Posted: March 22, 2011 Filed under: Regulars | Tags: Abelard, castration, Heloise, medieval, Middle Ages, Scandal, Sex 1 Comment
The phrase "power couple" seems to be bandied about very loosely these days, much like "the next big thing" or "sexual harassment." I mean, who gets to decide what truly constitutes greatness between two people who are banging but also bangin'. Rew couples in the history of hotties and/or high achievers have actually come close to power couple status. Par example:
Brangelina– Between them they've got an Oscar, 2 SAG awards, 3 Golden Globes and multiple nominations, as well as a huge body of philanthropic work, and are considered some of the most versatile actors of our generation. Plus they're really fucking hot and worth like a bazillion dollars.
FDR & Eleanor– They single-handedly pulled the country out of the depths of economic and emotional depression, helped defeat the Third Reich, created multiple social programs, and let's face it, cousins that are doin' it is pretty sexy. You can't say you haven't thought about some covert affairs with those hotties from your dad's side you only see at weddings and funerals.
Pete Wentz & Ashlee Simpson- Nuff Said.
But I digress. The simple fact of the matter is, no one has yet to measure up to the massive influence, individual brilliance, and raw fucking sexual magnetism of the medieval power couple, Peter Abelard and Heloise d'Argentueil. They were the the first great (and REAL, thank you, Tristan and Isolde, Romeo and Juliet, get your fictional asses out of here) star-crossed lovers. He, a Renaissance Man before it was cool or actually invented, and She, 22 years his junior (get over it) and considered one of the greatest minds of her time. When their intellects combined, the results reverberated across generations; when their bodies combined, it resulted in a scandal bigger than Goldman-Sachs' profit margins. Because as I always say (which at least four people can attest to), the Middle Ages are just sex and God.
Some backstory: Peter Abelard grew up being one of those shit-poor noblemen who really didn't have any prospects unless he learned his ass some letters and clawed his way up the nonexistent social ladder. Bro was born poor and died poor (spoiler). Since he was the oldest son in his family, and it was expected that he enter a life of military pursuits, as was common for the eldest boy in the medieval gentry. Instead he chose to become an academic, probably because he was "sensitive," or "intellectual" or some crap like that. Thus Pete began a life of itinerant wandering where he would debate and study with various French academics for however long he thought their knowledge suited him, all the while creating a following of the medieval quivalent of undergrad English majors. He did genuinely think he was smarter than everyone else, but then again, he also knocked up a 16 year old, so you be the judge.
Eventually he became the most respected philosopher in continental Europe through a wildly popular public debate tour, in which Peter would show up at a university and publicly challenge the equivalent of the dean to an academic throw down. I'm guessing it was a lot like being at a hyper-literate Thunderdome. Around 1115 he settled in Paris around 1115 and accepted the chair of a school at Notre-Dame.
This was a time of great intellectual flourishing in the Middle Ages (yeah, it's a fucking fact), particularly in France, and Peter owned that shit, calling himself "The only undefeated philosopher in the world." Around that time he would finally meet his match in the pre-teen prodigy, who's talents with the classical tongues would only be matched by those of her mouth-tongue…. eyhhhh…..
Heloise was probably 12 or 13 when her uncle, and ward, first contacted Peter to be her tutor, but she was already renowned for being a real goddamn smarty-pants with ancient texts, as well as her insightful and intellectual writings. The two apparently really hit it off, even though he was almost 40 and she was still in a training bra, BUT, intellectual love and inappropriate sexual desire know no bounds. Under Peter's tutelage, Heloise became a formidable philosopher and dynamite in the sack, and even once their affair was discovered, they continued to meet in secret for sexy, sexy readings on the stimulating topics of 'Atonement,' 'Conceptualism,' and that perennial favorite, 'Nominalism.' Unfortunately, they were discovered once again when Heloise got pregnant (oops.), so her uncle came and chopped off Peter's Little Peter in the night, then shipped her MTV-ready ass off to a convent.
As well as the sex. So, so much sex.


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Q.No 5 Needs to Describe the Conversion of Input Data into Valuable Output Which Will be of Vital importance for the profitability of the Business
Q.No 6 Microsoft Power point is a popular Office application software , The basic purpose is to make business presentations in a sequential manner
Q.No 7 Internet is vital for students and businesses if used in the right way, Students can discover their syllabus contents through the Internet while business can use it to promote and sell their products online.
Q.No8 Was an unimportant questions if we analyze past trends of Punjab University, Most Students leave this question on Choice, Computer Software is Basically Divided into Application and programming.


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Think, for a moment, about David Hunt. No, not the residual chairman of the Press Complaints Commission, but the boss of "an organised crime network implicated in extreme violence and fraud" – as exposed and confirmed, over years and potential millions in libel costs, by Michael Gillard and the Sunday Times.
"This newspaper has needed deep pockets to fill the vacuum left by those who should have taken on Mr Hunt long ago", said a Sunday leader, raising grave questions about underworld protectors inside Scotland Yard. "This is what we do."
Many papers could say it's what they seek as well, what the beating heart of journalism exists to do. But note that these deep pockets belonged to Rupert Murdoch. And note, more lightly, with due obeisance to the cab-rank principle, that Hunt's QC, whose arguments were said by the judge to have a "too-narrow view of the public interest", was Hugh Tomlinson, chairman and silkiest silk of Hacked Off.
Is that a cheap jibe? No, it's fact: but also a necessary note of complexity. For years of crisis, and now under withering fire, Murdoch has paid to keep the Times and its Sunday partner in business. But the Murdoch record isn't all black, and Tomlinson's isn't all shining white. We're talking shades of grey, not high moral certainties. And that's absolutely the right, drab clothing to reach for as the post-Leveson debate enters a new round.
You do not pursue the likes of Hunt by waving a PCC code like a Gideon Bible. This can be brutal stuff; and it was. You do not automatically expect the Yard to lead the moral charge. Cue hollow laughs. But whether we're talking underworld kingpins, state surveillance or invading Stephen Lawrence's family, some journalist will probably be there, asking questions.
Murdoch, rambling away to Sun journalists off the record, probably lathered on the soft soap too hard. But there's no shame in resenting incompetent police performance or in promising to continue paying his employees' medical bills – or in regretting that turning over emails and memos en masse betrayed sources on an industrial scale. Was he right to say that editors pay informants on all papers? That was never true on the Guardian, and surely is not on many more. But you have to be a pretty implacable Murdoch foe (or career politician) to try to turn misty murk into freezing fog. And you have to be pretty Gradgrind not to welcome last week's move to set up a new Independent Press Standards Organisation speedily while politicians and lawyers lollop along behind.
Will Ipso, up and running, satisfy every Hacked Off spokesman? No. But, as Mark Lewis, the Dowlers' lawyer, tweeted: "The main thing is to get a system that works." Here's that prospective system, with a timescale far ahead of Westminster possibility. It can always be adjusted. But famous names with reputations to protect are on its recognition team already. This is a task they haven't shied away from. This, for the press, should be what we do.