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Bali is a treasured tropical island in neighbouring Indonesia, with captivating natural landscapes, an addictive beach culture and rich spiritual essence. Together these create a distinct vibe that sets Bali apart from the rest of the country. It has long enchanted travellers and remains one of the top destinations in Asia. The island is a haven for bohemian backpackers, surfers, spirituality seekers as well as affluent travelers.
Though the island is relatively small at no more than 6000 square kilometers, there is a whole host of things to do in Bali. Long coastlines of beautiful beaches, magnificent temples, great surf spots, terraced rice fields, volcanic landscapes, yoga retreats and authentic cultural ceremonies are just some of the amazing Bali attractions. The island feel is inescapably fun and relaxing. With flights from Singapore to Bali taking 3hours, Bali is perfect for a weekend getaway.
Tropical Beach CultureBali and beach are almost synonymous. You'll spend glorious amounts of time on the beautiful beaches, so pack your best beachwear and sunblock. It could make all the difference between a delicious tan and turning crispy. Seminyak and Nusa Dua are two upscale areas with clean, quiet beaches close to chic restaurants, five star accommodations and some nightlife. Several luxury hotels and resorts here have private beaches exclusive to guests.
Kuta Bali is the most popular beach, and also the busiest. It is particularly popular with the young backpacker crowd who come to sunbathe, learn to surf, or relax till the sun sets in stunning colours. Then it's time to party. The heart of Bali's nightlife is just a short walk away, stretching from Kuta through Legian.
There are more beaches in Ubud, an area with a rich cultural charm. Bali villas in Ubud are a perfect respite from the city, with beaches nearby and great Indonesian food all around.
✈ Get more tips from travellers in our Bali travel blog.
Balinese Tradition, Temples and Folklore
Balinese are a deeply spiritual people. Offerings and shrines can be seen everywhere, religious rituals are held sacred and their unique form of Hinduism is practiced widely, dating back a long time. Learning about the Balinese culture should top your list of things to do in Bali, for the experience is truly beautiful and meaningful. There are many elaborate temples in Bali you should visit to witness some of their history, traditions and spiritual culture.
Tanah Lot is a majestic temple set on a rock formation surrounded by water. In the evening, Tanah Lot offers a spectacular view of sun setting over the water, framed perfectly by the cliffs edges. Pura Bersakih is the Mother Temple of highest reverence, located high up the slopes of Gunung Agung and aged over a thousand years old. Uluwatu is another popular temple in Bali with marvelous ancient architecture perched on the side of a cliff.
Balinese Dance
Balinese dances are expressive narratives of their religious traditions, folklore and identity. The Barong dance plays out the dramatic story of the fight between good and evil.
The Kecak dance, also known as the Monkey Dance, is a haunting dance involving rhythmic chanting and dramatic lighting from the flames of a bonfire as night falls. Some sacred dances are reserved for religious ceremonies, while others are performed regularly for tourists. They are typically performed in temples, including Uluwatu and Pura Tanah Lot.


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Kate Winslet & Catherine Keener Reunite with Charlie Kaufman for 'Frank or Francis'
It might be too risky to say that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the key reason why the world loves Kate Winslet, simply because she has performed so phenomenally in so many other well-crafted films. But her gig as the emotionally erratic Clementine in the 2004 fantastical romantic comedy/drama, written by the genius Charlie Kaufman, certainly plays a role in the public's lasting adoration of the actress. Catherine Keener is another actress whose impressive career is speckled with Kaufman-scripted highlights, including Being John Malkovich and Synecdoche, New York (the latter being the writer's directorial debut). Both Winslet and Keener are reviving the Kaufmania in the screenwriter's second stab at directing: Frank or Francis.
Winslet and Keener are joining a cast that includes stars Steve Carell, Jack Black, Nicolas Cage (himself a Kaufman returnee as well; Adaptation is arguably Cage's best role to date) and two Kevin Klines—one playing a human, one playing a computer. May that be the first of many eyebrow raisers that you embrace with excitement as you run through the summary of Kaufman's out-of-its-own-mind Frank or Francis.
The story, serving as a critique of sorts on entertainment bloggers (we're beyond flattered to be part of your spectrum, CK), will place Carell in the Frank role as film director Frank Arder, who takes tremendous issue with the critical comments about his work in an online message board occupied by the socially inept genius blogger, Francis (played by Black). We're not exactly sure what roles Winslet and Keener will take on, nor how the rest of the characters fit in just yet: Cage plays washed-up comedian/actor Alan Modell who serves as the host of the Academy Awards in the film, and Kline, as "explained" above, operates as both the brother of a successful (but not Oscar-successful) director and as a disembodied head in a computer that writes screenplays. Are your eyebrows still raised? Well, keep 'em up there. The film is a musical.
This is genius-level crazy. Kaufman's scripts have always been odd—unhappy puppeteer finds a portal into the head of actor John Malkovich, two incompatable lovers erase one another from their memories via a special operation, the host of The Gong Show is actually a CIA agent, a guy puts on a play about himself putting on a play about himself putting on a play (and so on), Nic Cage writes a movie—but this is a whole new level. A level for which I could not possibly be more excited.
Source: Vulture

subset: commoncrawl


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Dairy News
Bega Cheese to open at $6.60 kgBy Geoff Adams
Bega Cheese has announced a 12.8% increase in Victorian opening milk prices for the 2019/2020 season of $6.60 per kg milk solids.
Bega opened this last financial year with $5.85 kg.
Bega says with its Supply Premium, suppliers can earn up to $6.77 per kg milk solids.
Bega CEO, Paul van Heerwaarden said Bega is continuing to offer northern Victorian suppliers an irrigation supplement of $0.20 per kg milk solids.
Bega Cheese will formally introduce new '9/3' payment system with a $0.50 per kg milk solids price differential between Spring and out of Spring months.
"This is a simple payment system that will encourage farmers to look at their farming business and produce milk when it best suits their operations.''


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Through a student's efforts, homemade Asian food has recently come to Binghamton University. The Rice Guys, a Japanese rice ball delivery service founded and run by BU students, began serving the community in September 2016. Traditionally called onigiri, rice balls are a Japanese snack made of white rice and typically filled with meat or vegetables, compacted in a triangular shape and held together with seaweed. The Rice Guys puts a twist on the simple onigiri recipe by introducing new flavors, ranging from sweet ginger and honey beef to savory shiitake mushrooms.
Daniel Wang, a senior majoring in economics, created The Rice Guys to introduce this type of food to the University with the convenience of on- and off-campus delivery for busy students.
"I always wanted to create something that was more unique and sort of represented Asian culture more," Wang said.
The vision of The Rice Guys began when Wang started to live off campus, no longer on the BU meal plan. He began making rice balls to bring to campus as an alternative to spending money on University food, though he soon started cooking 10 to 20 a day for other hungry students.
"My friends saw me eating my onigiri and tried some and they really liked it," Wang said. "They asked if I could make some for them … I started doing that and my friends started to tell their friends, and then I was making them every morning for people."
Wang ran a test business and called it Onibites. But his vision for his rice ball business became official when he got in contact with BU's entrepreneurship department of the Innovative Technologies Complex. There, he pitched his idea to the Entrepreneurship and Innovation office staff, who got involved with the project.
"There's a professor there named Kenneth McLeod who really liked my idea," Wang said. "He told me it was unique and people would definitely like it here."
And thus, The Rice Guys was born.
According to Wang, the startup team has students and local adults working as rice ball makers and delivery drivers.
"I idolized entrepreneurs who don't just create a company, they give back to the community," Wang said. "So the other goal I had was that I wanted to give jobs to people who need it. [Students] need supplement income and it gives them a chance to learn about business. We also wanted to create jobs for locals who need the part time job to pay rent or help raise their kids."
The Rice Guys isn't just an ordinary food delivery service — the business takes pride in their emphasis on homemade food, especially since the original onigiri recipe dates all the way back to Wang's childhood.
"Rice balls were things my mom always made for me," Wang said. "I took my mom's recipe and emphasized the taste more because we wanted the recipe to be more flavorful."
The menu mainly focuses on its specialized onigiri, which includes different meats like teriyaki chicken, slow-cooked beef or braised pork. Besides this, however, there's also an option for onibowls. These have the elements of a rice ball, but aren't compacted into the traditional triangular shape.
Despite the stress and uncertainty that can accompany creating a startup as a college student, Wang says that The Rice Guys is a fulfilling experience.
"The thing about starting your own business is that everything you do or everything you make and create is sort of like a part of you," Wang said. "Even though we're just making rice balls and we're not making the next Uber, it's still very fulfilling to create something that other people find value in."
In regards to aspiring student entrepreneurs that also dream of creating their own startup, Wang believes that the hard work and the inevitable hardships really pay off in the long run.
"If you have an idea, just do it," Wang said. "I spent many hours thinking, 'What if I do this?' or, 'Is this going to work?' But you never really know until you do it. Just go for it."
As of now, The Rice Guys only offers catering and group order services until further notice, as they are in the process of creating a flagship store — a dream Wang has always envisioned. Facebook updates will be used to inform students when the business is running as usual again. Wang plans to continue The Rice Guys throughout his college career and after graduation, and he hopes to branch out to other neighboring college cities, including Syracuse and Ithaca, in the future.


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How much is GoldSilver2u.com's Silver?
To know the answer, we will need to examine GoldSilver2u.com silver pricing above spot. Calculating the above spot price for GoldSilver2u.com is as easy as UPSR's mathematics. It is simple mainly because all your needed ingredients are clearly visible from GoldSilver2u.com website.
^ Information captured from GoldSilver2u.com's website on 30th Nov 2011 4:15am
Let's do a quick calculation on GoldSilver2u.com's silver price. Bring out your Einstein thinking cap. We are going back to class.
[Read more →]


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The holiday season may be over but the crop of new wines that hit the LCBO last week are worth celebrating. They include some promising Spanish wines worthy of exploration along with a great selection of BC wines. While I haven't had the pleasure of visiting either place, I can say I am a big fan of their wines.
Chardonnay's from the Mission Hill estate, the awesome Pinot Noir from Burrowing Owl, or the Bordeaux Blends of Osoyoos Larose, there is gold in them thar BC vineyards and finally they are available in the east.
I sampled the Burrowing Owl Pinot Noir 2010 VGA from the Okanagan Valley – it is a splurge to doubt at $41.95. It is supremely balanced with strong notes of cherry and other red fruit.
There is rarely a Rioja that has brought me disappointment in my wine tasting life. It could be luck, or it could be great wine-making – I like them big and bold and plan to get better acquainted with my friends from Rioja, Navarra, and my pick for the weekend : Virgen Del Aguila Artigazo 2007 from DO Carinena – just south of Rioja region $18.95.
I admit I did try a couple of the other new releases that are absolutely worth the splurge.
I Greppi Greppicante Bolgheri 2009 DOC from the west coast of Tuscany – which is super Tuscan territory. This is beautifully smooth, complex, fruit forward with rich tannins and a lovely finish. It is $23.95 and worth the splurge.
My other splurge-worthy suggestion is by a favourite Australian wine maker that has never disappointed, Mollydooker The Maitre D' Cabernet Sauvignon 2010 from South Australia. The deep purple colour and black cherry jammy flavour characterizes the full-bodied and luscious wine. The finish is long, fruity and entirely worth the price. Buy two, one to drink now and one to save for later. Oh and their labels are delightful. $29.95
Finally if you can still find it, Three Rivers River's Red from Columbia Valley, Washington – I may have mentioned it before because it was one of my favourite wines from my wine class. But if you haven't tried it yet, hurry while there are still bottles left. At $19.95, it is a real bargain.
Give them a try or explore the LCBO's new bounty and let us know If you have sampled a wine worth sharing.


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Hypofractionated palliative radiotherapy in locally advanced inoperable head and neck cancer: CMC vellore experience
Correspondence Address: Source of Support: None, Conflict of Interest: None DOI: 10.4103/0973-1075.116709
Source of Support: None, Conflict of Interest: None
Background: A novel, short duration, palliative radiotherapy schedule for inoperable head and neck cancer was evaluated in terms of palliation of cancer-related symptoms and acute toxicities.
Keywords: Cancer pain, Hypofractionated radiotherapy, Inoperable head and neck cancer, Palliative radiotherapy
Head and neck cancer is one of the highly prevalent cancers in developing countries like India. [1],[2] Population-based cancer registry in India projects that the number of tobacco- related cancer and head and neck cancer would be 3, 16, 734 and 2, 18, 421, respectively, by 2020. [3] In most cases, due to extensive locoregional involvement, poor general condition of the patient, or comorbid conditions curative treatment is not possible. Therefore, the relevance of aggressive treatment in unresectable locally advanced head and neck cancer has been questioned. [4],[5],[6],[7] The intent of treatment in such cases is to improve the quality of life of the patients keeping their socioeconomic condition in mind and judiciously utilizing the precious resources for curable conditions.
The epidemiology and biology of head and neck cancer in developing countries are different from that of developed countries. [4] Therefore, the treatment data from Western literature should be extrapolated with caution in developing countries like India. The first report on the experience of treatment of buccal mucosa cancer in India was published from our institute in 1966 by Singh et al. [8],[9] The study showed about 30% of the cases was in very advanced stages and a large percentage of patients (60%) did not have any treatment at all due to various socioeconomic reasons. During that period, treatment with radiotherapy and or chemotherapy resulted in a response rate of 19% at 3 years.
With this background, we report the feasibility of a novel, short duration, hypofractionated, palliative radiotherapy schedule for locally advanced inoperable head and neck cancer for palliation of cancer-related distressing symptoms. Occurrence of acute treatment-related toxicities and improvement in quality of life (based on FACT-HN scale) at completion of radiotherapy compared to baseline is also reported.
Thirty-six patients with inoperable, head and neck cancer not fit for radical treatment were prospectively treated with a short course of radiotherapy (2010-2012) after obtaining informed consent.
Inclusion criteria
All patients received 40 Gy in 10 fractions (equivalent dose: 49.8 Gy in conventional fractionation) with 2 fractions per week (Monday and Thursday or Tuesday and Friday, equivalent weekly dose 10 Gy). Patients were immobilized in supine position and head fixed with thermoplastic ray cast. Primary and nodal gross tumor volumes were outlined based on clinical examination, ENT examination including nasopharyngolaryngo endoscopy. Radiotherapy portal included gross tumor volume with 2 cm margin and the high-risk nodal regions. Prophylactic radiation of anterior neck was not done. Radiotherapy was delivered by parallel opposed lateral technique in telecobalt machine (Theratron 780C). Spine shielding was done at 32 Gy, if the nodal volume was situated anterior to the spine. If the nodal volume was posterior to the spine, shielding was omitted [Figure 1].
Supportive care during radiation
Distressing presenting symptoms like pain, painful ulcer, dysphagia, odynophagia, breathing difficulty and neck swelling was recorded and graded on a pragmatic scale of mild, moderate, and severe as per the patient's reporting of the complaint. All patients received nutritional advice by dietician and nasogastric feeding was offered if required.
Assessment of toxicity and quality of life
Patients were assessed weekly for assessment of treatment-related toxicity and tolerance. Treatment-related toxicity including radiation mucositis, dermatitis was assessed using RTOG criteria. [10] Patients were specifically asked about symptom relief compared to baseline presentation. Quality of life was assessed by Functional Assessment of Cancer Therapy (Head and Neck, FACT H and N) quality of life tool. This is a validated and accepted QOL tool for head and neck cancer. This was administered before starting and at the completion of radiotherapy.
Posttreatment follow-up
Tumor response and symptom relief was periodically monitored at 1 month and then 3 monthly or earlier if necessary. All patients were initiated with tyrosine kinase inhibitors (tab. gefitinib 250 mg once daily), 1 month after completion of radiotherapy till disease progression. Patients with progressive disease were treated with symptomatic care only.
Statistical analysis
Primary outcome (categorical variable) was compared by frequency distribution. Overall survival was assessed by Kaplan-Meier survival estimate. Toxicity was graded (categorical variable) and compared the frequency distribution between groups.
Mean value of physical, social, emotional, functional, and head and neck-specific quality of life before and after treatment was compared by paired t-test ( P = 0.05, for significance).
Patient, tumor, and treatment-related characteristics
Radiotherapy records of total 33 patients were reviewed and included in the analysis (88% male and 12% female). Three patients discontinued treatment due to socioeconomic reasons. The mean age was 57.88 years (Range: 34-75 years). About 24% patients did not have any formal education and 52% possessed an educational qualification of high school and above. The median performance status as measured by Karnofsky performance scale was 70. About 72% of the subjects belonged to low socioeconomic status as per modified Kuppuswamy index of socioeconomic status. In the study group, 85% was addicted to some form of tobacco. Among them, 55% were addicted to smoking and 6% to chewable tobacco, 21% to both smoking and alcohol.
The commonest presenting symptom was a pain (42%) which includes pain in the throat, painful ulcerative lesions, or referred pain to ear. Dysphagia was present in 18% patients. About 30% patients presented with neck swellings. Oral cavity tumors were the commonest site (36%), followed by larynx, hypopharynx (34%), and oropharynx (18%). Most of the patients had stage IV tumor (97%, IV A, IV B, IV C in 27%, 61%, and 9%, respectively) [Table 1]. Histologically, 52% of the tumor was moderately differentiated, 15% well-differentiated and 12% poorly differentiated and 21% being metastatic carcinoma based on cytology from neck node.
Treatment-related toxicities and feasibility
The radiotherapy schedule was well-tolerated [Table 2]. About 73% of the patients completed the planned radiation therapy without any break during the treatment. As per the assessment of toxicity (RTOG) grade 3 mucositis and dermatitis occurred in 18% and 3%, respectively. One-fourth of the patients experienced severe pain which was treated as per the WHO pain ladder. Only two patients (6%) needed morphine for pain relief during the course of radiotherapy. Remaining patients had only mild to moderate pain. About 43% patients did not have any swallowing impact before or during the treatment. Nasogastric tube was placed before radiotherapy in three patients (9%), and five patients refused to have nasogastric tube even after being advised. One patient, who had an extensive buccal mucosa tumor with orocutaneous fistula, had worsening of symptoms (pain, difficulty in swallowing) during radiation therapy leading to a break in the treatment for nearly 15 days. She was hospitalized and managed with best supportive care, following which she completed the treatment uneventfully. Three patients needed hospitalization during the course of treatment. Median duration of hospitalization was 6 days.
Improvement of key performance indicator
At the end of the radiation therapy, significant pain relief (more than 50%) was obtained in about 88% of patients and worsened in 9% subjects at the end of radiotherapy. Morphine requirement for pain relief after completion of treatment was 12%. The performance status improved in 60%, did not change in 33%, and deteriorated in about 7% of patients. Treatment resulted in improvement of swallowing in 46% patients and almost a similar number of patients had no improvement. Worsening was observed in nearly 5% of the population.
Quality of life analysis
There was improvement in all the aspects of the quality of life (physical, social, emotional, and functional well-being) at the end of radiotherapy. This is shown in [Table 3]. A statistically significant improvement in social well-being was noted after treatment (17.4 vs. 20.01, P = 0.03). No significant change was observed in head and neck-specific score after treatment (25.01 vs. 20.0).
Survival analysis
Median follow-up period of the cohort was 6 months (1-26 months). The median survival was 7 months (4-9 months). At 2 years, cumulative survival probability was 17% [Figure 2].
Locally advanced head and neck cancer constitutes about 25% of cancer burden in clinical practice in developing countries like India. [11] Response of inoperable locally advanced head and neck cancer to aggressive treatments including chemoradiotherapy is poor and is associated with significant treatment-related toxicities. [12] In India, about 70-75% cases of head and neck cancer present in a locally advanced stage with a significant portion in an inoperable stage. [13] Palliation of distressing presenting symptom like painful ulcer, throat pain, swallowing difficulty, and breathing difficulty is the main objective of treatment, [14] with minimal treatment-related toxicities. Instead of increasing the life expectancy, improvement of quality of life and cost benefit issues are more important in our settings. [12] In India, most of the tertiary cancer centers like that of ours are overloaded with patients.
In order to strike a balance between radiobiologically effective dose and overall treatment duration, the present dose fractionation scheme was selected. Total dose selected was based on the only randomized study of palliative radiotherapy in advanced head and neck cancer. [15] The twice weekly treatment was designed to reduce the number of hospital attendance as suggested by the "Hypo Trial." [16] The scheme had a high patient compliance rate. It also had the advantage of less opportunity of tumor repopulation.
An optimal dose fractionation schedule for palliative radiotherapy in head and neck cancer is yet to evolve even though there are some guidelines for curative settings. [17] Current evidence seems to favor short course palliative radiotherapy schedule than single fraction or protracted course of radiation. [11] Historically, during the World War II, 3-5 weeks regimen was shown to be superior to 1-4-8 days regimen (28% vs. 3% control rate at 3 years for laryngopharyngeal cancer) in Christie Hospital, Manchester [18] as highlighted by Paterson in the Mackenzie Davidson Memorial lecture in 1952. Patients treated with palliative intent decision on dose and fractionation is often based on the feasibility, quality of life, and palliation rather than on survival or radiobiological considerations. [19] Various hypofractionated palliative radiotherapy schedules have been reported in the literature from Western countries as well as from India. [Table 4] gives a detailed review of the palliative radiotherapy schedules for locally advanced head and neck cancer and their major findings. [7],[15],[16],[19],[20],[21],[22],[23],[24],[25] One randomized study reported by Weissberg et al., [15] compared conventionally fractionated radiation of 60-70 Gy (over 6-7 weeks) with 40-48 Gy (over 2-3 weeks). Hypofractionated schedule was found to be equivalent to the conventional fractionation, in terms of palliative benefits and response with about 75% incidence of grade III mucositis. Various dose fractionation regimens have been reported from major institutes of India, like Tata Memorial Hospital, [13] All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS), [14] and PGI Chandigarh. [5],[6] The AIIMS study used a schedule of 20 Gy in 5 fractions over 1 week for 505 patients. Patients with more than 50% objective response received an additional dose escalation to 70 Gy (30% of 505 patients). Patients who received palliative radiotherapy alone without dose escalation had a 47%-59% symptom relief, median survival of 6.5 months, 1-year overall survival of 30%. [14] At Tata Memorial Hospital, Agarwal et al., [13] used a schedule of 40 Gy in 16 fractions. Patients who had partial response had a dose escalation up to 50 Gy in 20 fractions. The incidence of grade III mucositis was 69%. About 74% patients had more than 50% symptom relief. Overall progression-free survival was 55% at 1 year. The cohort had 22% less than T4 disease, 17% less than N2 disease. Weight (>50 kg) and radiotherapy dose (>40 Gy) were significant prognostic factors for progression-free survival. Two palliative radiotherapy schedules were reported from PGI Chandigarh for a small group of patients (30 Gy in 10 fractions for n = 25 and Quad Shot regimen for n = 15). In the former study, all the 22 out of 25 patients had relief of pain which lasted for about 3 months. Only 16 patients came for follow-up and more than 50% patients had to travel over 50 km. to come to the hospital. [5] This is a real situation in India, and our experience parallels to that of the authors. In our schedule, about 73% patients completed the planned treatment without any interruption. The incidence of grade III or more mucositis was acceptable. More than 80% patients achieved palliation of presenting distressing symptoms. The protocol leads to significant reduction in hospital stay time for patients and machine time for treatment. The rate of hospitalization due to treatment was reasonably low. In our study, 88% patients had significant pain relief and only 18% patients had grade III mucositis. The median survival was 7 months which is comparable to that in the literature. The previous four studies from India and the present study clearly shows the relevance, benefit, and feasibility of hypofractionated short course radiotherapy in this condition.
This study shows the feasibility and benefits of hypofractionated palliative radiotherapy for inoperable head and neck cancer in terms of patient compliance, reduced side-effect, and effective palliation. There was significant improvement in presenting distressing symptoms and pain. Overall survival was comparable to similar other studies. This schedule would help to reduce the burden on the treatment machine and would be highly relevant in developing countries like India.
[Figure 1], [Figure 2]
[Table 1], [Table 2], [Table 3], [Table 4]


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MIAMI -- A Miami nightclub has to close its doors after a woman rode a horse into a crowd of people.
Mokai Lounge's business license was revoked Friday afternoon due to a threat in safety and a violation of the city's animal cruelty laws.
Controversial video of the incident, which some may find disturbing, shows a bikini-clad woman attempting to ride a white horse into a sea of clubgoers. The animal suddenly drops to the ground, throwing the woman off.
After the video surfaced, a social media campaign demanded justice for the horse. It bashed Mokai for its involvement and asked the city to shut the lounge down.
Miami nightclub shut down after woman rides horse on dance floor
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Rhea is getting a little bit of a dental cleaning tomorrow, and some of her fur knots trimmed. Let the vet techs get her mad rather than me.
Davout's whiskers are in a fine mood.
Look at the teeny feet illusion!
Rhea is pretty amazed by it all.
So is Anna!
Even with the door closed Anna keeps being distracted by the door. But I managed to get her messing with my hands most of the time, spinning in a circle. She likes to turn away from me but spins back to attack if you touch her tail.
The camera strap was of course a big attraction too.
Who is at that door??


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Two summer movies that I saw! Hooray!
Two summer movies that I saw! Hooray!
Yesterday we did a round up of the casting rumours for the forthcoming Straight Outta Compton, today they released the first cast photo and the players are slightly different.
There's a movie about The Most Dangerous Rap Group coming and casting is well underway.


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Or, why lazy evaluation is such a good thing
I was recently challenged, while teaching a Scala class, to explain exactly why lazy evaluation is important. That had me looking at the use cases enumerated in the course notes, and it wasn't really compelling. Sure, there are some obvious reasons that lazy evaluation makes sense — but I really think there are even more compelling reasons to use lazy evaluation.
What it means to be lazy
Most languages are not inherently lazy. Java and Scala, for instance, depend on specific syntax to use lazy evaluation:
lazy val later = calculateTheNumberz()
By using the
lazy keyword we defer evaluation of an expression until the defined name is first referenced. In other words, in the above declaration the value of
later won't be calculated until we first reference
later. At that point, it will be calculated (just once) and any future reference will return the calculated value. In contrast, this expression:
val later = calculateTheNumberz()
Will immediately calculate the value of
later. The obvious advantage here is really twofold:
- Potentially, we never call
calculateTheNumberz()and, presuming this is an expensive operation, we never incur the overhead of that calculation.
- If we do reference
later, we at least defer calling
calculateTheNumberz()until we actually needed it. This can mean faster program startup, for instance.
So, lazy evaluation is a method of evaluation. It means that expressions are not evaluated when they are bound to variables, but their evaluation is deferred until the results are needed. Consequently, arguments are not evaluated before they are passed to a function, but only when their values are actually used. This kind of evaluation is call-by-name, as opposed to call-by-value or eager evaluation.
def someComputation(x: => Int, y: => Int) = if (x > 0) x else y
In the above example, the Scala function
someComputation() takes two parameters. The
=> notation indicates lazy evaluation (or "call-by-name"), so the value of
x and
y will not be computed until referenced. In the expression
if (x > 0) x else y the value
x will be computed and, if positive,
y will never be computed. If we imagine that
y is a potentially expensive operation, this can be a huge performance saver.
Lazy by nature
Some languages are lazy by nature. These tend to be functional languages, such as Haskell. A potential advantage to languages that evaluate everything lazily is that you don't have to remember to use the lazy syntax.
Another hidden advantage of "lazy by nature" is that programs tend to be more efficient without forethought. You can bang out a potentially expensive expression, like this:
if (someCondition) expensiveCall() else heftyCall()
We don't have to worry about such an expression, because only one of
expensiveCall() or
heftyCall() will be evaluated. In contrast, languages that default to eager evaluation may evaluate both functions before deciding which one to call. Some languages are smart enough to avoid unnecessary function calls, but in a truly "lazy by nature" setting, even expressions such as
2 * 2 will not evaluate unless referenced.
The less obvious
Clearly, lazy evaluation readily translates into pragmatic efficiency — most obviously, by avoiding unnecessary computation. But what else does it do?
One benefit is working with infinitely large data sets. For instance, you can model an infinite list of numbers or an infinite stream of data. In a lazy evaluation model, only the head element of such a stream will be evaluated, whereas an eager evaluation will calculate the entire data set:
def listRange(lo: Int, hi: Int): List[Int] = { print(s"${lo}") if (lo >= hi) Nil else lo :: listRange(lo + 1, hi) } scala> listRange(5, 10) 5678910 res0: List[Int] = List(5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
In this example,
listRange() creates a list of integers from a low to a high range. Since it uses call-by-value evaluation, the entire data set is calculated (as we can see from the output). If this were, say, a huge or infinite data set we would have a problem.
Lazy evaluation let's us solve this problem. Here's the same implementation, using a Scala
def streamRange(lo: Int, hi: Int): Stream[Int] = { print(s"${lo} ") if (lo >= hi) Stream.empty else Stream.cons(lo, streamRange(lo + 1, hi)) } scala> streamRange(5, 10) 5 res0: Stream[Int] = Stream(5, ?)
In this case, the lazy
Stream class only calculates the head value of the data set, returning the first integer. The tail calculation is left for later, giving us an easy (and efficient) way to work with arbitrarily large data sets. Only when we ask for the next value will the stream calculate whether we are done with the set.
This works because the
Stream class uses a very simple call-by-name lazy calculation similar to the following:
class Stream[T] object Stream { def cons[T](h: T, t: => Stream[T]) = new Stream[T] { def isEmpty = false def head = h def tail = t } }
Notice how the tail of the stream is constructed using call-by-name semantics:
t: => Stream[T]. The value
t is not calculated until we ask for it some time in the future.
But there's more!
We've discussed some very practical advantages to using lazy evaluation, but I think there are even more important reasons to use it liberally.
Lazy languages are pure, because it is very hard to reason about side effects in a lazy language. By "pure" I mean pure in the sense of functional programming: pure functions are referentially transparent. In a language that doesn't evaluate expressions until they are referenced, it's more natural to think in terms of deferring evaluation — and that strikes me as conducive to functionally pure reasoning.
Also, laziness allows you to define new control structures in the language or implement DSLs. You can't write conditional evaluators (think if-then-else expressions) in a strictly evaluated language. Likewise it's even harder when you consider how to deal with loops or infinite data sets.
And finally — and maybe most important — the best approach to dealing with side-effects in the type system, like monads, can only be expressed effectively by relying on laziness. Think about how hard it would be to implement monadic operations without violating at least one of the monad laws (for instance, mapping over a


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Each year we host a Reggae Q&A session, in which we discuss the impact of Reggae on British music, culture and society. The discussion is led by a panel of Reggae luminaries, from musicians, artists and DJs to promoters, record labels and other industry experts. The Q&A is an opportunity for the panel and festival-goers to engage with one another, sharing stories, knowledge and experiences.
In Association with The Reggae Research Network


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Intel Sports and Manchester City are launching immersive highlights giving fans the ability to experience what it's like to be on the pitch and see additional perspectives of the game.
We live for the big moments, the extraordinary plays. We put fans in the action, to see the play from any angle. Our immersive experiences let fans watch sports in ways they otherwise couldn't. We're taking fans inside the game.1
The world's top sports leagues and Intel are delivering immersive experiences to fan's many devices.
Bringing college athletics to you like never before. Experience March Madness 2019 like you're sitting courtside.
See every side of the play with exciting highlights and recaps. Get into the NFL action.
PyeongChang was just the beginning. We're bringing even more immersive experiences to Tokyo 2020. Intel is proud to be the Official Immersive Technology Partner to The Olympic Games.
Partnership will bring True View to Emirates Stadium and to fans around the world.
LFC fans to enjoy an immersive experience during live matches and in highlights.
True View will bring Blues as close to the action on the pitch as the starting eleven.
Pro gamers, teams, and esports leagues choose Intel to power their gaming PCs and connect millions of players around the world.
Intel® technologies' features and benefits depend on system configuration and may require enabled hardware, software or service activation. Performance varies depending on system configuration. No product or component can be absolutely secure. Check with your system manufacturer or retailer or learn more at https://www.intel.ca.


text:
No news is good news!
Seen sistren, you need to slow down. I was not accusing you in any way, I am just reasoning pon the subject you know, not the object. I repeat, nothing is directed to any certain one.OneLoveRASTAFARI
No sorry, that one was for me. Ok, this is what I'm saying. If it wrong, fiyah bun, yes, but a teaching vibe still, all a matter of definition. Just keep telling truth and that will burn more than any name calling or ridicule.OneLoveRASTAFARI
True, well, see the way I write is with the voice of conscience so what I write is really for one and all. So why speak to only one person when we can speak to everyone at the same time, you know? We are only just talking with ourself.OneLoveRASTAFARI
I think we are all missing the point here. Unless any of you are gay - you will KNOW it is not a choice. Just as straight men did not choose to be gay - neither did gay people choose to be straight. With that logic - it means all you straight men would like to go out and have sex with other men - but you CHOOSE not to.
can't we just live and love and let the eye speak for our individuality?
we're smothering the spirit in a bunch of man-made hatred.
BTW, how do you know that homosexuality is not a choice?
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(ISN) – (FREDERICTON, N.B.) Hockey player Philippe Maillet and soccer's Sam Lagacy were named UNB's male and female Athlete of the Year at the Varsity Reds annual Celebration of Excellence Awards Night at the Fredericton Playhouse.
A second-year student from Lachenaie, QC, Maillet won the men's hockey scoring title in the very competitive AUS this years with 14 goals and 25 assists in 28 games played. He had an extremely impressive 17-game point streak – from Halloween to nearly the end of January. Maillet was named AUS MVP, and AUS First Team All-Star, the AUS playoff MVP, a CIS All-Canadian. He is also an Academic All-Canadian.
Also nominated for the James Downey Award as UNB's top male athlete were Javon Masters (basketball) and Diego Padilha (soccer).
The Colin B. Mackay Shield for the top female athlete of the year went to soccer's Sam Lagacy. A fifth-year student-athlete who is currently studying law at UNB, Lagacy was an AUS First Team All-Star and one of the league's top scorers. Her career scoring record ties her for first in all-time leading scorers for UNB, with 20 goals. Her desire and pride in playing helped her team find the confidence to play to their full potential, finishing first in the AUS for the first time in the team's 19-year history and winning their first ever playoff game. Lagacy is also an Academic All-Canadian.
Also nominated for the Colin B. Mackay Shield were Vanja Mitrovic (volleyball) and Kayla Painter (soccer).
The Varsity Reds were also pleased to be joined by members of the Copeland family, who travelled from across the United States to present the Garnet Copeland Award, including Dr. Copeland's son Brian.
The Garnet Copeland Award is presented to the year's top all-around student-athlete, taking into consideration excellence in academics, community leadership and athlete performance. This year's winner is the starting setter from the women's volleyball team – Paige Paulsen.
Paulsen was the recipient of the AUS and CIS student-athlete community service awards and was the nominee for the James Bayer Memorial Scholarship. She is the current president of the UNB Athlete's Council. This year, she co-organized UNB's first Movember initiatives and helped lead the annual Think Pink fundraising campaign. As the fundraising chair of UNB Global Water Brigades, an group working to bring sufficient clean water to communities, she is in charge of organizing fundraising events for the group's upcoming aid trip to Honduras. She has a passion for coaching and works both with UNB and Volleyball New Brunswick training camps and as head coach of the Bliss Carmen Grade 7 girls' team.
Also nominated for the Copeland Award were Shea Nordheim (men's soccer) and Katie Wallace (women's cross country).
UNB's female Rookie of the Year was awarded to volleyball's Victoria Eadle. A first-year student-athlete from Gallagher Ridge, NB, Eadle was named AUS Rookie of the Year, and AUS Second Team All-Star and to the CIS All-Rookie Team. She was second in the AUS for points per set, first in the league for aces per set and third in the CIS in aces per set.
Also nominated for female Rookie of the Year were Nicole LaFleur (basketball) and Charli LeBlanc (swimming).
UNB's male Rookie of the Year was awarded to hockey's Randy Gazzola. From Thorold, ON, Gazzola made his presence felt this year with two goals and 22 assists. He was named AUS Rookie of the Year and to the CIS All-Rookie Team.
Also nominated for male Rookie of the Year were Cameron Brace (hockey) and Jesse Kendall (basketball).
A full list of award winners follows:
Rings of Distinction: Will McFee (basketball), Vanja Mitrovic (volleyball), Aaron McMurray (soccer), Sam Lagacy (soccer)
Red and Black Awards
Women's Basketball: Kiley DeLong
Men's Basketball: Will McFee
Women's Volleyball: Paige Paulsen
Men's Volleyball: Jordan Brooks
Women's Soccer: Emma Quigley
Men's Soccer: Alex Haiart
Men's Hockey: Adrian Robertson
Women's Track and Field: Tess McDonald
Men's Track and Field: Evan Grant
Women's Swimming: Cassey Mooney
UNB / Pepsi Rookies of the Year
Women's Basketball: Nicole LaFleur
Men's Basketball: Jesse Kendall
Women's Volleyball: Victoria Eadle
Men's Volleyball: Kent Doucette
Women's Soccer: Rebecca Duda
Men's Soccer: Matt Mountney
Men's Hockey: Randy Gazzola
Women's Track and Field: Sydney MacDonald
Men's Track and Field: Ben Fowler
Women's Swimming: Allison Somers
Labatt Most Valuable Players
Women's Basketball: Katelyn Mangold
Men's Basketball: Javon Masters
Women's Volleyball: Vanja Mitrovic
Men's Volleyball: Marc White
Women's Soccer: Sam Lagacy
Men's Soccer: Offensive – Marcus Lees; Defensive – Diego Padilha
Men's Hockey: Philippe Maillet
Women's Track and Field: Sarah Myatt
Men's Track and Field: Daniel Brown
Women's Swimming: Charli LeBlanc
Men's Swimming: Taylor Dalke
Women's Wrestling: Alyssa Cleaves
Men's Wrestling: Ilya Abelev
Women's Cross Country: Katie Robinson
Men's Cross Country: Taylor Lamarche
Women's Curling: Shelby Wilson
Men's Curling: Alex Robichaud
RHB McLaughlin All-Canadian Awards
Randy Gazzola – CIS All-Rookie Team, men's hockey
Victoria Eadle – CIS All-Rookie Team, women's volleyball
Marcus Lees – Second Team All-Canadian, men's soccer
Alex Thoms – Second Team All-Canadian, men's wrestling
Diego Padilha – First Team All-Canadian, men's soccer
Javon Masters – First Team All-Canadian, men's basketball
Philippe Maillet – First Team All-Canadian, men's hockey
Jordan Murray – First Team All-Canadian, men's hockey
Ilya Abelev – First Team All-Canadian, men's wrestling
Grayson St. Laurent – First Team All-Canadian, men's wrestling
Paige Paulsen – CIS Thérèse Quigley Student-Athlete Community Service Award, women's volleyball
Gardiner MacDougall – CIS Coach of the Year, men's hockey
Unsung Hero
Lacey Purdy, women's soccer
Taylor Lamarche, men's cross country
James Born Award
Kathy Waugh


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Credit Score
General Discussion on CIBIL/Credit Score and how to improve credit score in India
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Sometimes when you're searching for answers,
you just have to watch and wait.
Other times you have to dive right in,
even if you get dirty in the process.
On Hope and Healing Little by Little
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.
We need each other.
I love how we can be drawn to those who are most unlike us from varying walks of life, job situations and backgrounds. We juggle the joys and weightiness of the day-to-day, while none of us has it altogether (as much as we'd like to). We speak truth to one another, extend grace when we mess up and cheer one another on when jumping or easing into a new adventure.
We fill our too-short time with catching-up stories and laughter but also our failures and worries, fears and struggles when there is too much real life. And just like that, the isolation we somehow settled into dissipates and renewed connections soften our hearts (harder only seconds before). Friendship filled with transparency builds bridges from one soul to the other, doesn't it? There is just something about the closeness and comfort friends bring to the realities of life.
We need each other.
Courage is contagious. That's all there is to it. Welcome to Hope Speaks, where once monthly I'm featuring those who also fight hard battles, find hope right there in those seemingly impossible places and then take the brave step to share their story.
Introducing Chrystol, one of the most authentic people I know. This part of her journey reminds me a little of that saying God laughs when we make plans. But instead, I believe God shows up when we make plans, sometimes bringing us to an entirely different and more scary-beautiful life than we ever expected.
Here is her courageous story.
I'm going to start this post with a statement of truth about who I am. I am Chrystol; I despise making mistakes and have a fear of failure. Planning, goal setting and control tend to be my chosen methods to achieve success. As a teenager and young adult, I didn't allow myself to relax, be at peace or get too comfortable. There was always a new goal to achieve, a new level to rise to, partially because I was a military brat and moved every few years. I learned that the only thing consistent in life is change, but I had no idea what I was in for as I entered a transition period of my life.
Almost two years after I got married, my husband and I found out I was pregnant…SURPRISE! Well, it wasn't necessarily PLANNED like everything else in my life, and it took me a few weeks to wrap my mind around the fact this life-changing event occurred without planning. My plan was to be at my new job for a few years before this. I wanted to make the DECISION to have a child, not just have it happen, and I didn't feel ready. I cried and cried and cried some more. After I cried, I went back to what I knew to do, research and plan. I read all I could about pregnancy and tried to plan out the next nine months. When we went to our first obstetrics appointment for an ultrasound, there was another surprise. TWINS! Interestingly, I handled the news that I was pregnant with twins much better than the news that I was pregnant. I decided I was going to be the best mother EVER! My pregnancy was really special and required much planning (my favorite). The moment I gave birth to my daughters, my life changed forever. And that was only the beginning.
Although the first few months of twin parenthood were a blur, things went pretty smoothly until one of my daughters suffered a severe injury. I know you're probably thinking, "What happened? What changed?" but this is about my reaction and the effects on my family. I wish things happened differently, and I couldn't help blaming myself for not trusting my own instincts.
It was completely unexpected and felt like my whole world crumbled around me. How could something happen to MY baby? I had spent so much of life devoting time, energy and love to other people's children and MY child would be forever changed. I was taught whatever you sow, you will reap, so why did this happen? I have planted good seeds for years and this is what I get in return? It made NO SENSE AT ALL, and it felt like a sick joke. For the first month or so, I prayed I'd wake up, realizing it was all a nightmare. Nope. It was real. I woke up every single day, looked at my daughter and saw the reality. I tried to bargain with God. Eventually, all of the hope I had for her future and mine was gone. All of the faith I had in God was gone, too. It's amazing how your outlook on life can shift with just one event.
I kept remembering when I gazed into my daughter's big brown eyes, saying, "I won't let anything bad happen to you." And I failed her…miserably, reminding myself of that every day. No one knew how low I really was, and I suffered from depression for about a year after the incident. There were days I simply didn't want to wake up and face my life as a failure to my family, but I believed I'd be even more of a failure if I let them know my sadness. I tried my best to give the appearance of good mental health. At the same time, I decided that I could not allow myself to be happy until I knew for certain that my daughter would be happy, despite her physical scar. How could I smile, knowing one day people might point and stare? How could I forgive myself without being sure she would forgive me? How could I simply move on when I felt so much anger and disappointment in myself? I wasn't only mad at myself; I was so mad at God. How could He allow this? I was taught, "God won't put more on you than you can handle" and "all things work together for good." Well, I couldn't handle what happened and I didn't see any good coming from it! I was so angry! I was sad. I was disappointed. I was confused. I was lost. I was alone. My heart was broken, and I was hopeless. I didn't think anyone knew, but that kind of despair cannot stay hidden for long.
All of those feelings came to surface at my daughters' first birthday party. I tried my best to appear to be in a celebratory mood, but the truth was I felt like a boiling pot of water that was too full. It took one word from the wrong person, and I bubbled over. I had never lost my temper like that! I really don't remember everything I said and did, but I am sure I've never reacted in that way before. When I ran to the bathroom to compose myself, I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the woman looking back. I came out and gazed into the shocked eyes of those around me, knowing they had witnessed how broken I was. I hated I had allowed them to see my pain. I also knew I could no longer live with the weight of the emotions I was trying to hide but I had no idea what to do with them.
The next weekend, my husband and I attended a new members' class at our church. We were asked if there was anything keeping us from a closer relationship with God and were told to write it down on a card. I struggled with whether or not to tell the truth or just give a good church answer. I heard, "Just write it, Chrystol." And I did. "I'm angry at myself and at God…." When the leader of the group asked if anyone wanted to share, before I knew it, my hand shot in the air. That was the first time I openly shared my true, raw feelings. I couldn't believe I was telling a room full of strangers how I felt, but I'm so glad I did. Those strangers gathered around me, praying for me. I wept as they literally surrounded me with love and petitioned God to heal my heart and mind. I will not lie and say everything was perfect after that prayer because it wasn't. But after that experience, I had hope that my life would be happy again and that my daughter would be just fine.
In the months and years following that moment at church, God has shown me that the life I'd hoped for is still possible. My daughter is thriving. She embraces her imperfection, and is so confident. I am doing things I never thought I would, taking risks I would not have taken. I am getting closer to fulfilling my purpose. I now know that dark moments, setbacks, and failures don't need to be avoided. They don't have to break us. There's beauty in the struggle. I accept what was, embrace what is and have hope for what will be. Don't get me wrong, I still love a good plan. But now I also embrace a God plan.
Read more about Chrystol here on her blog, Chronicles of Womanhood.
What are you holding onto? You know, that nagging thing you or someone else said or did yesterday, ten years ago or even when you were a kid? You might not wake up thinking about it, but it crosses your mind at least once a week. You spend more time mulling over it than you'd like to admit. Yes, that thing that has its grip on you so tight it hurts all over again when you've had a stressful day or are feeling less than stellar.
I grew up thinking forgive required forget and said those difficult, confusing words,
I forgive you,
but soon felt like a failure when I thought about [insert the same old/ new issue here]. And now as an adult, playing certain offenses over in my mind like rewinding scenes in a movie brings back angry, hurt feelings. My body knows this and tells the world I am not fine by sending red, hot splotches up my neck and face. As a little girl, I learned to act as if all was okay, denying my true feelings and stuffing them deep down so no one could see (and I didn't recognize them). So many years later after getting married, those long gone emotions gushed to the surface and exploded. I had to save my relationship and find a way to heal.
I am far from an expert on this, but I have learned some things after reading book after book. Some books didn't help, some preached forgetting (and I tossed them as soon as I could), but some made the uncomfortable subject seem do-able.
5 things about forgiveness I wish I knew as a kid:
1. Forgiveness is a process. Saying "I forgive you" aloud (to the person or yourself) is just the beginning. It takes work. Writing it down, telling others about it, even speaking it aloud if you're the only person around reaffirms your decision to begin the process to forgive.
2. Forgiveness is a continual peeling of something unnecessary that hold us down. It reminds me of a a snake, shedding its skin or a tree, leaving a peeled off pile of bark on the ground each year. We might have to forgive that same offense again (and another time or 10) when we feel all those old emotions.
3. Forgiveness does not excuse the offense, deny it or even necessarily forget it. Instead it's freedom for the forgiver from that video stuck on rewind and a heavy load of anger and bitterness.
4. Sometimes forgiveness might involve telling that person who hurt you, but it can come in writing as well. I might be wrong, but I don't believe it requires reconciliation. Oh, I have struggled with this (I'll blame the silly forgetting idea). I had to learn boundaries are necessary and healthy.
5. For me, forgiveness requires talking to God and then laying all the mess out on the table. When I choose words I think he likes, I feel like I'm pretending. When I say it like I honestly feel it (Dear God, this sucks and I hate that this is so hard. I'm afraid of how I'll feel and what this means. I'm not sure I can do it, etc), it's altogether different. I feel heard, understood and finally out of hiding.
Forgiveness brings peace where there was ongoing turmoil. Rather than constant anger and stress that can bring on health issues and plain, old unhappiness, it opens the door to receive peace and joy. Who wouldn't want that?
Want to read more about this? Check out Getting Rid of the Gorilla for true stories of people like you and me, who found freedom by dealing with that thing.
After spending hours at the coffee shop that Saturday, we hugged goodbye and went to our separate cars, reluctant to start the next errand on the to-do list. Minutes later, my friend knocked on my window saying her car battery was dead. We each located our jumper cables when one man and then another asked if we needed help. Oh, no, no thanks…we got this, and we started talking through our plan (with nervous laughter). The red cable connects to the red on the battery and black to black; just don't touch the ends together. We can totally do this.
But when I lifted the hood, we had another problem. Apparently, a short, fat hose was left unattached by a mechanic who "fixed" my car a month ago. Resting on top of my battery, the hose looked as if it was an extra, but of course it wasn't.
We had parked diagonally from one another, but no matter how I maneuvered my car, the jumper cables would not reach. Seriously wanting to handle this ourselves (what a story to tell our husbands later!), I began to realize we would not be able to get her car started unless we let someone help. We used the tools and the (limited) knowledge we had, but that was not enough. So, minutes later, when a third guy offered to help, we watched as he connected our two sets of jumper cables to make the distance between our vehicles. I stood back watching, grateful for this man who knew it was okay to do this…but I felt disappointed. This was not quite turning out to be the story of the time we saved the day with only one another and some jumper cables. Guy #3 even re-attached the "extra" hose, since unlike me, he knew its purpose and where it was supposed to go. As we thanked him profusely and he walked away, I realized we never even asked his name.
I don't know about you, but I want to figure things out by myself and be independent. Still over and over, I realize I have to face my limitations, reach out, ask for help and then be humble enough to accept it when it's offered.
So, I did. I have learned this is the air intake hose, and it's back where it's supposed to be (thank you, Guy #3).
There's something about being up before the rest of my world awakes. Birds gather in the trees and flutter this way and that, seeming to chat about where to find the best morning snacks. I leave the warmth of my house with dogs in tow, and the chill of the winter air whips at my face. Still, I am warmed by all I experience around me, the things I'd miss in the busy-ness of the late afternoon. I notice intricate, frosty patterns on my windshield, soon to melt with the rising sun, while the usual roar of the interstate traffic is only a slight hum in the background. My dogs happily lick the moisture off the grass, leaving a winding trail of paw prints behind them. And I breathe in the chilly air, which seems fresh and alive with the newness of the day.
I love the quiet and stillness of the morning. Here, I get away from the weightiness of the day that ended hours before and will soon begin in a frenzy all over again. This is when I relax into the good that surrounds me. In this stillness, my thoughts are uncluttered and my mind moves towards God and his love for his creation.
I heard someone say God knows exactly what speaks to us and hands it to each of us in a way that we can understand. I'd never considered that before, but it makes sense when I think about what I believe about God. We are his works of art. He knows exactly the number of hairs on your head and mine (which is different before and after a shower and hair drying and all of that getting ready, so he's really something). He is always ready for us to tell him about just everything. He has time for us to pour out our sometimes endless web of worries, fears, hurts and doubts but also listen as we gush about all the good. And he doesn't just act like he's listening.
So if it's true–if he truly knows what gets to us, he speaks to one person through relationships and another through music or art. He speaks to others through written words, quotes, verses and a multitude of other ways at just the right time. It's many of these things for me, but in these early morning moments, I feel his love in the stillness. And when the night breaks into day, and the sunrise is a mixture of purples and pinks mixed with blue, I choose to believe he's saying to me and to all who marvel at the beauty of nature,
"This is just for you."
Just For You was first published on Hope Walks In on 2.9.14.
Courage is contagious. That's all there is to it.
That's why once monthly, I'll be featuring those who also fight hard battles, find hope right there in those seemingly impossible places and then take the scary-beautiful, brave step to share their story.
Introducing my next Hope Speaks author, Wendy. We have been friends for years and have shared multitudes of laughs, movies, Swedish Fish, dinners and even double dates with husbands in tow. More importantly, we have grown together, trading stories about life's triumphs and challenges, while learning that true beauty is on the inside out.
Here is her courageous story.
Growing up in a house full of chaos and crisis, it was easy to be overlooked and unnoticed. The only way to really receive attention was to be the perfect daughter or total disaster (and that role was already taken). It would have required something deplorable and extreme to be comparable, but that just wasn't me. So, I put everything I had into being the ideal daughter. To me, this meant being perfect at everything. Above all else, beauty!
My mother encouraged me to get into modeling. I was enrolled in pageants, model searches, etiquette and acting classes. Although I always felt fear of not measuring up, I was determined to put everything I had into being the best. Besides, all of these things gave me extra time with my mom, and I also liked the attention when she bragged about me. At 14 years old, I was told that I might make it farther in modeling if I was 10 pounds lighter. So, this is when the dieting began, and like everything else, I wanted to do it perfectly. I wanted to make everybody proud, and in a family that struggles with being overweight, I loved the idea of standing out. In less than one week, I didn't just lose 10 pounds; I lost 20. When my father told me that he admired my willpower, it felt like everything I was trying to achieve was working! It was an amazing feeling to, not only, be noticed but to have my father's admiration, as well. Soon, I started to believe the answer to everything I needed emotionally was tied to being thin. If diet and exercise was something to be admired, then I was only going to focus on being the best and working the hardest.
I kept modeling and at 17, was signed with a modeling agency in Milan, Italy. I spent about a year working there and in Munich, Germany. Most people think that it's this glamorous job, where you get all made up, wear designer clothes and walk down a runway, surrounded by people praising you for your beauty. In reality, it's very lonely. There is constant competition between girls, making it hard to form friendships on anything but a superficial level. You are constantly critiqued and criticized: she's too short, too tall, her hips are too wide, shoulders too broad, she's not thin enough. People talk about your appearance in front of you as if you aren't even there. I might as well have been one of the articles of clothing I was modeling needing alterations, being worn thin, turned inside out, tossed aside and easily replaced.
Before long, the criticism replaced many, if not all, compliments I received. When I looked in the mirror, all I could see were the flaws left behind by those negative remarks. I had no control over my God-given bone structure, but I could control my weight. The more I lost, the more power I felt. No one could take that from me, and if being beautiful meant being thin, well, I could easily achieve that beauty with self-restraint, dedication, and determination. Soon, the starvation and obsessive exercise regiments were having the opposite effect than in the beginning. Instead of having control over at least one thing in my life, it gained control of me. Now, instead of standing out, I lost sight of who I was and who I wanted to be. I became tired, withdrawn and afraid of social situations where food would be involved. Everything in my life became overshadowed by my obsession to be thin, especially my friends, family, and faith. I wasn't passionate about anything else.
I found very few reasons to smile or laugh, but it became easy to fake it, thanks to all the practice smiling for a camera and acting classes I'd attended. I'd closed off the real me and didn't let anyone penetrate the wall I'd built. Believing being thin (having anorexia) was what made me who I was. I thought it made me stand out, and without it, I'd be completely lost and more invisible than ever before. I couldn't let anyone get close to me for fear they might try to take this one thing away, and I'd no longer be beautiful. I had come to believe that all my self-worth came from my appearance, and without it I was worthless.
Then, there were hospitalizations, clinics, therapy and support groups. It took strong feelings of hopelessness to realize that God did not want this miserable life for me. It took one glance in the mirror at age 21, looking at my 5'10" and 100 pounds of bones to see that God had a purpose and a plan for my life, and this wasn't it.
It is amazing that I went through so much and put my body through so much, yet I came out alive and strong! At one point, I suffered organ failure of the heart, liver, kidneys, and lungs. A doctor even told me I would, most likely, never be able to conceive. But I have learned that God has a plan to take the bad in life and turn it into his glory! Today I am blessed with amazing friends, a wonderful church family, a loving and supportive husband, four beautiful children, a life full of patience and grace, along with a very important message to share:
I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
This year on my 35th birthday during a moment of insecurity over aging, I decided to go through some pictures of a much younger me…before I had gray hairs, wrinkles, and became softer around the middle. I thought by looking at those pictures, I'd feel better about being a year older and all the changes that come along. Instead, I focused on how my life is so much fuller and richer now! If I look in the mirror hard enough, I can see growth and wisdom in the gray hairs I find (I still have a lot of hair to turn and lessons to learn). The wrinkles are reminders of laughter from they good times and of tears from the bad, which are necessary, in order to put the good ones in perspective. The softer tummy is proof of how blessed I've been with the gifts of love, laughter, innocence and beauty that exist in all my babies!
Some people say that beauty fades, but I think it just transforms into something much bigger, brighter and meaningful. My family is where I find the most beauty! My children don't need me to be strong enough to lift their weight but instead their spirits. They also don't need me to be stick-thin. They would much rather feel safe and secure wrapped in soft cuddles. When I look in the mirror, every change I see is a lesson learned, a prayer met, a friendship built, a victory won, a loss that didn't destroy me but made me so much stronger and more compassionate.
It is my goal this year every time I feel insecure, to remind myself that appearance is just one small quality that defines beauty. When I think about what I want people to see, it is no longer a tall, long-legged, too-thin girl, who finds her value in her face and figure. Instead as I get older, the other more significant qualities — cherished and devoted wife, loving and courageous mother, loyal friend with a contagious laugh, strong spirit, bright smile and big heart — overshadow physical beauty, which has the least value of all!
Here are some of my favorite verses that encourage me when I need self- assurance:
*Wendy Korbel's writing and photos are used with her permission.
Once a year, I hate Sports Illustrated. To be clear it's not that I hate it as it is, I only groan when the SI Swimsuit Issue makes an appearance, landing in my mailbox addressed to my husband. Year #1, when I saw it, I rolled my eyes and left it in my car for a month, trying to decide what to do with the thing. Do I burn it, tear into shreds, recycle it, WHAT? I threw it in a filthy dumpster but then after a month, I felt like a child who trashed a failing grade and told Brian (who tried his best to understand…before bursting into laughter).
The following year, I got the mail after a particularly trying week and there it was– gorgeous woman-girl in a barely-there bikini all spread out with pages and pages of more just like her inside. Oh, and glorious day, it was a double issue, but feeling I'd matured a little in this area, I tossed it in my car and only waited a week this time. And then, I actually told my husband the magazine arrived. "Why do they keep sending me this?" he laughed. Oh, and I wondered the same thing (feeling ridiculous, as if I shouldn't care). Truth was, it was the only decent magazine he could purchase with his leftover airline miles before expiration and most of the issues actually went straight to recycling anyway. Alas, I brought it inside with the other junk mail, leaving it on the counter for Brian. It stayed there all weekend. Then, "I'm throwing all this in the recycling bin," I said, stealthily directing my eyes at him and wondering if he would object. He didn't, so there it went. At times, I wondered if he went out to rescue it, but I didn't act on it, and the recycling materials were carried away into oblivion days later.
Ah, the issues that come with learning to be comfortable in your own skin. Emotional stuff seems to rear its ugly head a little over time until there is no choice but to deal with it. Body issues come up for all kinds of reasons, but I looked at that magazine as something that highlighted what I was not and could never be. I am not 5'11" and 110 pounds. I am not tan with my Scots-Irish, freckly skin. I do not have long, flowing hair. My eyes tend to be squinty when I am the happiest. I am not as confident as those women appear to be, Photoshopped or not. Sexual abuse is part of my story, and I have wrestled with my body image as a result. Growing up, I wanted the acceptance and compliments of others, but at the same time, I did not want that kind of attention from men. I felt sick (and maybe a little jealous?) that women could be so free and confident to show off their body. Then, I felt nauseated that women knew this magazine was primarily used for men's viewing pleasure and modeled for it anyway. I mean, where's their self-respect? Or is that how they respect themselves? I'm not sure that will ever make sense to me.
Here's the thing. When we have emotional hurts and push them aside over and over, well, they come up again and again in some way until we've done something about it. When we reach out, identify what it is and admit it, then we can start facing our fears of the worst and begin seeking help for it. AND as author Cec Murphey says,
"Our mind may be strong, but our body reacts later in response to stress, trauma and negativity."
So, holding onto emotional hurts can actually wreak havoc on our body. Research actually shows a link between our life experiences and our emotional and physical health. The Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Study in the 1990's shows a connection to later sickness if certain experiences had been a part of early childhood (abuse, neglect, family dysfunction). And who doesn't have family dysfunction in some way or another as part of their story? Constant stress raises our cortisol levels and that can create gut issues. Since our gut is the core of our immune system, health problems can arise.
So what can we do? Give to ourselves what we believe has been lost or desired from others all along: mercy, grace, forgiveness, acceptance. If we can't offer those to ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to? Read on your particular subject, say it out loud, reach out for the help of friends or a counselor. Pray. Know that it's never as easy as deciding to change. When I sought a counselor for help, she told me something I have used all these years: healing is a slow, long, spiraling process. Sometimes our unhealthy responses spiral back around, seemingly out of the blue, but there has been change there, whether we see it or not.
For example–year #2, I was irritated the Swimsuit Issue addressed to my husband still bothered me, but I had less anxiety over it. And you know what? Brian just told me he even moved the magazine in the recycling bin to mess with me (he's such a joker), but I didn't even go back to check.
And THAT was progress.
"Even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the room." ~Simone Weil


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Saturday, 7 November 2009
I've been playing with this synth that I made for the No Label event photo'd above about a million years ago! It makes strange drones that sound delayed and looped (although it has no delay or loop just a looooooong release stage and lfo) and is designed to be fiddled with rather than played or sequenced. At the time I made this I had the idea of creating a pendrive full of little applications that could provide possible sound or sample inspiration played only by the pc keyboard and mouse. I was also into the idea of really clean looking Gui so much so that nothing on this synth is labelled until you click the tiny "?" in the bottom left hand corner..then an overlay appears with all the labels...I'm pleaed with the fact that in this view you can still manipulate all the knobs and stuff through the overlay.
Anyway I'm releasing it into the wild... although before I do I should say that I don't plan to do any updates or mend anything or do any development of this...please watch your volumes (it launches with the volumes low) as it can get pretty loud. The download is a zip file including the application, a read me (contains some instructions) and two little dat files that it generates in any folder you copy it too so don't worry if you lose those. It should run on anything win xp and above and can run from any drive so pendrives, memory cards or internal drives....here you go
concretedog CELLS
You can use or distribute this in any way you want...if you create something with it please let me know.
Posted by concretedog at 08:00
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